Little Did You Know by Alex and Sierra

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/41673438.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: F/F
Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Relationship: Yelena Belova/Reader, Clint Barton/Laura Barton
Character: Yelena Belova, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanov (Marvel), Kate Bishop,
Lila Barton
Additional Tags: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder -
PTSD, Nightmares, Flashbacks, Therapy, Suicidal Thoughts, Breakup,
Yelena Belova Needs a Hug, yelena belova is not a robot, Protective
Clint Barton, Father-Daughter Relationship, Drinking
Language: English
Series: Part 8 of The Adventure of Y/N Barton and Yelena Belova
Stats: Published: 2022-09-13 Words: 5023

Little Did You Know by Alex and Sierra

by Arlana0324

Summary

It has been 3 months since you and Yelena were kidnapped and tortured in front of one
another. It has been 3 months of therapy, lies, and pretending. Until one night, all the les
come unraveling and you can’t pretend anymore.

Notes

No I have not forgotten this AU and no just because I've posted this does not mean I'm not
working on my other stories! I just have a lot going on lol!

I am taking requests on my tumblr and you can ask questions on any of my works! Follow
me at arlana-likes-to-write.

Much love
Arlana

See the end of the work for more notes

You’ve officially decided that you hate going to therapy as you walked out of your therapist’s
office onto the busy New York City sidewalk. You fished your phone out of your bag and began to
walk to a nearby café. It was the routine. Every Tuesday and Thursday was therapy. After the
session it was a quick walk to the café. During the walk you’d text Yelena, to inform her that you
were done, and call your mom. Well the call to your mom and dad happened every day, twice
daily. It was the only way they allowed you to move back to the city. It’s been 3 months since your
world trip came to an abrupt end due to a psychopath and things were…fine. You were fine.
Everything was fine. That’s what you kept saying anyways. You dialed your home phone and
listened to it ring. “Hey, sis.” Lila said, answering the phone.

“How did you know it was me?” You asked.

“Because no one else calls us and you call this time every Thursday.” You laughed, you knew she
was rolling her eyes.

“Well, aren't you smart.” You said, walking into the café and sat down in the corner.

“How was therapy?” She asked.

“It was good.” You said as a waitress, Lily, placed a glass of water in front of you. They were
getting used to your routine. You thanked her with a smile.

“Liar.”

“Liar?” You were caught off guard. “I’m not lying.”

“Yes you are. It’s the same answer you give to mom but she’s too afraid to question it in the off
chance it will trigger you. I’m not.” You were stunned. Your mouth hung open. “So I will ask
again, how was therapy?” She asked softly. You closed your mouth and felt every wall you’ve
built up crumpled in this cafe. You rested your head on your free hand, sighing.

“Not great. It hasn’t been going well.”

“You know,” Lila said, slowly. “No one expects you to be okay right away. What you and Yelena
went through was traumatic. It’s going to take time.” You chuckled, whipping away a few fallen
tears.

“When did you get so smart?” Lila laughed.

“I’ve always been smart, you've just never listened to me.” You smiled, missing your sister more.
You heard the door open and close, it was Yelena.

“I gotta go, squirt.” She groaned at the nickname. “Tell mom I called, will ya?”

“Of course. Love you, dufus.”

“Love you too.” You said, hanging up and putting your phone away. Yelena walked over to you.

“Hi, dorogoy,” She said, kissing your forehead. You fought your body's natural reaction to flinch
away. “Have you ordered?” You shook your head.

“Not yet. I was on the phone with Lila.” Yelena frowned and cupped your face with her hands. You
helped your breath as she whipped away your tears.

“You’ve been crying. What’s wrong?” She asked.

“Just miss Lila.” You lied. You’ve been lying to Yelena, your parents, and your friends for
months.
“Let’s plan a trip to see them, okay? I have some free time coming up.” You nodded. Yelena let
your face go, walking over to the counter. You let out a shaky breath and slumped back into the
chair. With shaky hands, you took a sip of water and began to breathe like your therapist taught
you; in for 5, out for 5, out for 5. The rush of anxiety passed as you looked over to Yelena. She was
talking with the cashier. Yelena must have said something funny because the young girl threw her
head back, laughing. His words echoed in your head like a mantra - ‘How long till she leaves? How
long till she realizes you are nothing?’ His voice, his face, everything about that man with a scar
had been haunting your dreams. You closed your eyes and thought about your session today.

Sam was the one that found your therapist that specializes in PTSD, trauma, and depression. Your
only condition was they had to be female, preferable someone without an accent. Her name was
Dr. Fiona Gomez and you liked her. She asked the tough questions, she knew when you were
holding back the truth, and knew when you needed a break. You liked her but hated her. She made
you remember and face everything, even though you wanted to repress and move on. That wasn’t
Dr. Gomez’s plan.

Your feet were tucked underneath you as you sat on the couch. You were coloring in a Disney
coloring book. Dr. Gomez discovered early on that coloring helped you process your trauma. She
sat down next to you, glancing at the picture. It was from the Lion King. You made it your mission
to show Yelena all the Disney movies without a hidden Red Room message. The Lion King was one
of her favorites. “It looks good.” Dr. Gomez said. You smiled, looking down at your work. It was a
picture of Simba, Pumbaa, and Timon walking across the fallen tree with the waterfall in the
background. “Are you ready to continue?” She asked. You nodded, sighing. “You last left off with
Yelena telling you her experience with the blip.” You began to color again. “What happened
next?” You didn’t answer right away, which was normal. Dr. Gomez sat and waited. You chose the
colors for the waterfall and focused on that.

“I’m not sure how much time passed.” You began. “But one of his men brought us food. It was
becoming routine at this point. He came to me first and before I could eat, he fell over. Yelena
stood behind him, a knife in her hand and his blood all over her.”

“She escaped.” You nodded. “How?”

“The doctor. She gave Yelena a knife and a bobby pin.” You slowed down with your coloring.

“Why do you feel guilty?” She asked. You huffed, she always seemed to be able to read your mind.
It was rather annoying.

“It was my first time being that close to death.” You sighed. “I was there when Thanos attacked
the Avengers a 2nd time but this felt different, more intimate.” You stopped, clicking your tongue
on the roof of your mouth. “I feel guilty.” You said slowly. “That he died and it’s conflicting
because Yelena didn’t have a choice and he was bad. But she did it without hesitation and-”

“That scared you?” You nodded, you felt the couch move as weight shifted. You heard the water
jug as Dr. Gomez filled a glass. She came back and held the glass out for you. You took the glass
with a smile. The cool water soothed your throat.

“Not in the moment,” You said, placing the glass on the side table. “But sometimes my nightmares
have that image, Yelena covered in blood.” You shook your head. “But she did it to save us.”

“It doesn’t make it easier telling yourself that, does it?” You shook your head. “It’s okay to feel
guilt over the loss of human life regardless if they were ‘good’ or ‘bad’.” She added the quotations
around the words. “That means your conscience is working.”

“Well, I wish my conscience would let me sleep.” You mumbled. She laughed. “But Yelena doesn't
seem to be affected by it. When we left that building I saw so many bodies.” Dr. Gomez sighed.

“I can’t speak for Yelena but maybe she is dealing with it in her own way. Have you talked to her
about this?” You didn’t answer that. You kept all of your nightmares, anxiety, and fears to yourself
well minus Dr. Gomez. “What happened next?” She asked, changing the direction of the
conversation.

“She broke me free and tried to get me to stand but I was too injured so I told her to leave me
because I would have slowed her down.” You saw the doctor nod her head, prompting you to
continue. “She gave me a gun and told me to shoot anyone that came in and took off. I sat there
and then the alarm went off. I watched men run across the door but they weren’t worried about
me, Yelena was their target.”

“That must have been terrifying not knowing if Yelena was going to be okay or if she could get
help.” You nodded.

“Then he appeared,” You didn’t refer him to Scarman anymore. Dr. Gomez said by giving him a
nickname gave him more power over you. You knew Natasha and the other Avengers discovered
his identity but you refused to know his name. So in therapy he was reduced to his pronouns or the
man - reducing the power he had over you. “And I didn’t shoot him, I couldn’t,” You squeezed the
crayon you were using. “He began to taunt me that I was the reason we got captured because I
made Yelena weak.” Your vision began to come blurry. “He said that my own father didn’t want
me and that it was my fault we had to move.” You put more pressure on the crayon. “He asked me
how long till Yelena realizes I’m nothing.” Your mind transported you back to that day. The
feeling of his hands on you as he held the gun to his head. He was so close you could feel his
breath on you. “How long till she leaves me?” You snapped the crayon in half. You blinked slowly.
“Sorry.” You mumbled.

“Where are you right now?” She asked. You looked around the room, it was blurring together the
cell and her office. If you looked hard enough you swore you saw Yelena in the corner, handcuffed
to the wall, blood covering her blue scrubs, a gun to her -. “Y/n.” Dr. Gomez’s voice cut through
the fog. You shook your head, you were sitting on the ground Dr. Gomez kneeling in front of you.
When the hell did you get there? “You are safe.” Safe? You weren’t safe. “He can’t hurt you.” Of
course he can. Every night he’s in my dreams; hurting me, hurting Yelena, hurting everyone I love.
He’s made me afraid of my own girlfriend, you thought. “You are here in New York City.” Right.
You were in New York where you lived. You nodded.

“I’m here.” You said. “I’m here.” Dr. Gomez smiled, holding out her hand. You took it and she
helped you stand up.

“That was a record time of coming out of a flashback. You are improving.” You nodded, sitting
back down on the couch. You went back to coloring as Dr. Gomez began to talk but you were
barely listening.

“Dorogoy,” You snapped out of it to the sound of Yelena’s voice. She placed the two trays of food
on the table and sat down. “Are you alright?” You nodded.

“Yeah, sorry.” You gave her a smile, and fished through your bag. You handed her the picture you
colored. “Here for you.” She took it with a smile.
“I love it. We need to watch it again.”

“There is a sequel and a 1.5.” Yelena folded up the picture and put it in her wallet.

“We decided Disney can’t do sequels. Do you remember Mulan 2?” You giggled, unwrapping her
sandwich. “How was therapy?” She asked. You sighed, taking a sip of your coffee. She got your
order perfect.

“Hard.” She nodded, not asking more questions. “How was work?” As soon as Yelena returned to
the states, she decided to follow in her sister’s footsteps and became an Avenger. She opted out of
therapy and threw herself into her work. The last you heard she was working with Kate, Natasha,
and Sam trying to track down the group that dreamed of recreating the Red Room.

“Not many leads but we are hopeful that Melina can put pressure on some old colleagues.”

“Any leads on the doctor?” She was the only one that you cared about in the operation. Yelena
shook her head.

“It’s like she disappeared.” She laughed. “Sometimes I wonder if we imagined her.” You took a
bite of your sandwich instead of answering. Yelena’s phone rang and she rolled her eyes at the
sound. You smiled. “Hi poser.” Yelena winked at you. You tried to hide your laughter. It was one
of your favorite stories of Yelena and Natasha’s time taking down the Red Room. “I’m with Y/n
like I told you. Say hi.” Yelena took the phone away from her ear.

“Hi Nat.” You called out. Yelena put the phone back to her ear before you could hear what your
godmother said.

“She says hi.” Yelena said. “And that you need to call and visit more.” You rolled your eyes as
Yelena went back to listening to whatever her sister was saying. She sighed. “Alright, I’ll be back
soon.” She hung up, giving you an apologetic look.

“Go,” You said, waving your hand. “Go be a superhero.” You knew this was going to be a thing as
soon as Yelena wanted to be an Avenger. Canceled dates. Coming home late. The constant worry if
she was going to be okay. You saw it with your own parents. Yelena wrapped up her food.

“I’ll make it up to you.” You knew she would and you couldn't help but feel guilty. “I’ll see you at
home.” She kissed you softly.

“Bye Lena. Be safe.”

“Always.” She kissed your forehead and left the café. You sighed, gathering your barely eaten
sandwich and throwing it out in the nearby trash. You put your bag over your shoulder and put your
headphones on for the walk home. What is a home? Is it a place where you should feel safe and
loved? A place where all the bad stuff would disappear when you walked through that door. But
the bad stuff wasn’t disappearing.

You whipped away a tear. Dr. Gomez gave you homework by your next session you needed to sit
down and talk with Yelena. But you didn’t know how to do that. How do you tell someone that you
love that you're scared of them because of something you told them to do? How do you ask
someone how they are okay with everything that happened? How did they move on when you
couldn’t? You sighed, finishing your coffee and throwing it in the garbage. How do you tell
someone that you wished you died in that cell so you didn’t have to deal with the aftermath. You
looked up at the sun, feeling the rays warm you. A part of you did die in there and you wondered if
you were ever going to be the same without it.
*

It was late. Yelena didn’t mean to stay at the tower that long but she got caught up in what Natasha
asked her to work on. They actually had a solid lead on the group that kidnapped you and her. She
rested her head on the door of your apartment. She technically still owned an apartment with Kate
but she was always over at yours. Yelena was lying to herself being at the tower was easier. There
she was an Avenger, the White Widow (as Tony was trying to promote), and not reminded of what
happened. She finished what Natasha asked her to work on about an hour, maybe an hour and a
half. But she stayed because it was easier than being around you. Every time she looked at you she
heard your screams. She saw that man hurt you. Natasha said that he was locked away in the Raft,
unable to hurt you or her again. But sometimes Yelena wished for his death. Her dreams showed
her how she would do it and that scared her even more. She was fine. It was the mantra she kept
repeating to herself. She was fine. You were fine.

She opened up the door to your apartment and was met with the sight of her American Akita
already at the door, glaring at her. Fanny has the most human expressions for a dog, so Yelena
knew Fanny was upset with her. Yelena rolled her eyes, closed the door, and locked it. She would
check the lock three more times. She would check the lock three more times before going to bed.
“Don’t give me that look.” She said. Fanny glared at her owner before moving into the living
room. Yelena was close behind and smiled at the site in front of her. Fanny was curled up next to
you while you slept. Her head was resting on your stomach as your arms rested above her head.
Yelena noticed your cheeks were blotchy and a few crumpled tissues covered the table. You’ve
been crying. The Russian frowned. She whistled softly and Fanny moved. Carefully, she picked
you up in your arms. You whined. “Sh, moya lyubov’” Yelena whispered. “Go back to sleep.” She
opened the bedroom door and pulled back the blankets, laying you gently down. Yelena covered
you with blankets and watched you snuggle deeper into the pillow. It was a site that should have
brought a smile to the Black Widow’s face but Yelena found herself frowning. She wished it was
always like this. Peaceful. There was no fear on your face. Yelena blamed herself for what
happened to you.

With a sigh, she went through her night time return. Check the locks on the windows and door.
Make sure the weapons around the apartment were loaded. Check the locks. Pour herself a drink,
she liked to make a mix drink but tonight was straight vodka. Check the locks one more time
before heading to change into clothes to sleep in. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, and
braided her hair. Yelena returned to the bedroom. You were still asleep. She wondered if you took
one of the sleeping pills Dr. Gomez prescribed to you. The past 2 months the smallest nose would
wake you up. Yelena climbed into bed next to you. You shifted slightly in your sleep and wrapped
your arms around Yelena, pulling her close. She closed her eyes and inhaled your scent, savoring
this moment. The way your naturally high body temperature warmed her. She savored this feeling
because you were so deep in sleep you didn’t flinch away from her. A shaky breath left Yelena’s
lips and squeezed her eyes tighter. Everything was fine. You were fine and safe. She was fine. The
more she acted like it the more true it would become.

You woke up with a gasp. Your heart was pumping, thudding in your chest. You felt extremely
claustrophobic and a thin layer of sweat covered your body. The Akita was at your side pressing
her cold nose into your hand. It grounded you. You were in your bedroom. The back of your
girlfriend pressed to your side. She must have moved you when she came home. Damn, you
thought, those sleeping pills knocked+ me on my ass. The pills helped you sleep but they didn’t
stop your mind from teleporting you back to that cell. You slowly got up, careful not to wake the
Black Widow, and slipped out of your bedroom; Fanny at your heels. You walked to the kitchen to
begin your post nightmare routine. It started with boiling some water, grabbing a mug that your
brothers got for you, and a tea of your choice. Maybe some chocolate but you found Yelena’s bottle
of vodka sitting on the counter.

“Fuck it.” You mumbled, grabbing a glass and a bottle of OJ from the fridge. You made yourself a
screwdriver, unable to drink vodka straight. It was an impressive sight to watch Yelena and
Natasha knock back shots of it. You downed your first drink and made a second. Fanny whined
pushing her head onto your leg. Your hand found her head without looking, petting the soft fur.
“I’m okay, sweet girl. I’m okay.” You weren’t but the more you said it would be right the truth.
Right? Deep down you were tired. You were so incredibly tired that you felt it in your bones. You
just wanted one night. One night where you slept without a nightmare. Even though your drink of
choice changed you wanted to keep to your routine which meant you needed to return to bed before
the Russian noticed your absence. You sighed, pouring more vodka into your class, the bottle of
orange juice was empty, and you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

A foreign emotion started to rush through your veins as you slammed back your drink. Anger. Why
did this happen to you? Why couldn’t this happen to anyone else? You were angry at Yelena and
Natasha for taking down the Red Room even though you knew it was the right thing to do. You
were angry at your father for becoming an Avenger and a SHIELD agent because he created
enemies all over the world. Gods, you were so angry for having to pretend to be okay.

“Y/n,” You didn’t turn around as Yelena called out your name. “Malysh.” You didn’t answer
again. Her footsteps echoed in the quiet apartment as she walked over to you. Arms circled around
your waist and you flinched. Yelena froze, removing her arms. “You flinched.” She didn’t say it as
a question, more as an observation. But you needed to defend yourself. You spun around to face
her girlfriend. Her green eyes laced with sleep.

“I didn’t flinch.” Liar. It was a mix of exhaustion and vodka that you failed to mask your body’s
reaction.

“Yes you did. Now you are lying. You’ve been lying to me for months.”

“What-what do you mean?” You asked. Your throat and lips became very dry all of the sudden.

“You’ve been trying to not flinch every time I touch you for months.” Fuck. You needed another
drink to deal with this conversation. Wait? She knew. She knew and said nothing.

“Why didn’t you say something if you knew?” You asked. Yelena crossed her arms against her
chest.

“Why didn’t you say something?” You huffed, rolling your eyes. Classic Black Widow, deflecting
a question with another question. You’ve seen this tactic done with Natasha and your father. It was
a tactic they used to protect themselves.

“I didn’t say anything because I feel guilty.” You stood up, stumbling slightly. Yelena made no
move to help you. “I am angry for what he did to me and to you. I am angry because-” You let the
words die on your lips. The Black Widow wasn’t startled by your sudden outburst. She kept a
neutral expression on her face.

“Say it.” She said. You didn’t. “Finish your sentence.” You couldn’t. “Tell me.” She yelled. You
flinched slightly.

“I am angry for what you did to me.” Your confession silenced the apartment even Fanny stopped
her whining. “There are you happy, Yelena. Do you know how exhausting it is to pretend I’m okay
for the sake of everyone around me? The guilt I feel because I told you to hit me but my fucked up
brain decides to make me scared of you and every little thing.” Her expression didn’t falter and that
made you angry. You could see walls that you worked so hard to get through being formed again.

“Why not say something?”

“Because you act like everything is fine so I thought that’s how you are coping with it. Who am I
to mess with that?” You said. “So I played the part of the non-traumatized girlfriend.”

“We need to move on. They can’t hurt us anymore.” Move on? Move on? You clenched your jaw.

“Move you?” You questioned. A part of you knew it was the alcohol in your system that gave you
a new wave of confidence to finally speak your mind. “I can’t move on. I’m not like you, Yelena.
He’s still in my nightmares. He still hurts me.” You pointed to your chest. You felt tears forming at
the corner of your eyes. “I’m breakin’ while you fall asleep. I’m still haunted by the memories and
I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece.” You pushed away a few tears that fell. “I’ve been
holding back for the fear that you might change your mind.” Yelena was looking at her feet. You
could see that she was squeezing herself tighter, hugging herself. “Are you going to say anything?”
You asked. It was a plea.

“I really don’t know what else to say.” She looked up at you. “I think I’m going to go back to my
apartment for a few days.” Your stomach dropped.

“I-I don’t want you to leave.” You whispered. You didn’t. You wanted her to stay and work on
fixing this. She nodded.

“I think it would be for the best.” She walked to the door, putting on her shoes.

“Don’t walk away from me.” You said, following her to the door. Yelena stopped, her back to you,
and her hand on the door.

“What do you want from me?” She asked, not looking at you. The silence between you two was
deafening. It wasn't the comfortable silence you learned to love.

“I want you to talk to me. I-I want to be able to talk to you without the fear of you running away. I
want to know what’s going on in your head.” You sighed, running your hands through your hair. “I
want you.” She slowly turned back to face you. She took a few steps towards you to close the
distance.

“What if I’m someone you don’t need anymore?” She raised her hand, placing a piece of hair
behind your ear, and you flinched. Finally, a sea of emotions passed through her green eyes. She
put her hand down. “I knew you were hurting while I’m sound asleep.” She whispered. “Little did
you know all my mistakes are slowly drowning me.” She grabbed your hand and gave it a squeeze.
She quickly dropped your hand and left your apartment. It was quiet, far too quiet. You fell to your
knees and Fanny ran over to you, you buried your face in her fur as tears began to fall. Your sobs
were muffled but they echoed in the quiet apartment.

Yelena listened to your cries through the door. Her back resting on it. Her own tears threaten to fall
from her eyes. Every word she wanted to say was trapped in her throat. She wanted to tell you that
you didn’t need to be afraid, that she loves you until the sun dies. But she didn’t. She wasn’t even
sure if those words were the truth or a desperate admit to save the relationship. She pushed off the
door and began the walk to her apartment. She would get her stuff another day.

*
 Tuesday

You went the whole weekend without a word from Yelena. Kate texted you multiple times to
figure out what happened but you ignored the archer. Even Natasha tried to call but you sent her to
voicemail. After therapy you went straight home, not bothering to stop at the café. You opened the
door and silence welcomed you. Not even the jingle of Fanny’s collar. You saw a piece of paper
sitting on your counter and you picked it up, recognizing the handwriting of the Black Widow.

‘Y/n, I got called away on a mission and I’m not sure how long I will be. I took the liberty of
removing my things from your apartment.’ You looked around the living room. Her shoes were
gone. A blanket from Melina that was used for movie night, gone. A few cooking utensils she
brought from her apartment, all gone. You didn’t realize all of her belongings she added made it
feel more like home. You saw the spar key you gave her right before the trip, the letter must have
been covering it. You went back to the letter, tears blurring your vision. ‘I think this time apart will
do us some good and hopefully we’ll come out of this stronger. I am sorry for what I did to you, I
didn’t say that enough. Our relationship was one of the best things to happen to me. So thank you
for showing me the light’ - Yelena.

You were full on crying. You pushed the letter away from you and blindly reached for your phone.
You called Yelena, each time it went straight to voicemail. You didn’t bother to leave one. You
dialed your home phone number from memory. You tried to stop the tears but they kept falling.
Everything hurt. It was a pain you didn’t want. “Hello.” Your father’s voice caused a sob to
escape. “Chip, what’s wrong?” He asked.

“I-” you cried again.

“Hey, hey, sh.” He soothed. “Breath for me. In and out. In and out.” You mimicked the way he
was breathing and your sobs turned into hiccups. “There you go. What’s wrong?”

“Can I come home? I want to come home.”

“Of course chip. You never have to ask.” You nodded.

“Can you and mom come and get me?” You knew he was wondering about Yelena but you prayed
to the gods he wouldn’t ask.

“Yeah, we’ll head that way right now.” A small bear of silence passed between you two. “Are you
okay? I can stay on the phone with you or I can call Nat.”

“No, I'm okay.” You let out a shaky breath. “I have to pack.”

“Okay, I’ll call you when we are in the city. I love you, chip.” More tears swelled in your eyes.

“I love you too, P-Man.” You hung up the phone and picked up Yelena’s key. You squeezed it
hard in your hand, the ridges dug into your palm. A headache was forming and you knew you were
dehydrated from your tears. You cradled the key to your chest and fell to the ground. You wished
you kept your mouth shut that Thursday night. You wished you continued to play the part.

‘How long till she leaves you?’ His voice mocked. ‘How long till she realizes you are nothing?’

End Notes
 Don't worry this is not the ending for Y/n Barton and Yelena Belova!
Comments and Kudos are always welcomed

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