My Suicide Experience

“Suicide is a permanent solution to your temporary problems.” I learned this after two full
years with numerous therapists and far too many attempts at rehab. I have finally overcome
my desire for suicide. I wanted to write this letter as a recollection of the greatest
accomplishment of my life. Suicide could be an act of heroism or an act of selfishness.
Sometimes a brave choice in the face of pain, and sometimes an act of love. Trying to take
your life isn’t worth it; there’s so much more to life than pain and sorrow.

Hate, anger, and sadness are emotions people feel leading up to the night they nearly take
their life. I felt all of them and even more. I felt as if nobody wanted to be around me, and
my hatred toward everyone grew exponentially by the day. My self-esteem and confidence
hit an all-time low. I detested everyone but always wanted to talk to someone; it could have
been anyone at that point in my life. My numbness kept getting worse to the point where I
couldn’t feel the tears streaming down my face. I was shattered emotionally and mentally
for reasons I couldn’t figure out yet. I was bedridden by the doctor’s orders after I was
physically unable to do basic movements. I didn’t know why I felt this burdensome feeling
and honestly, I would have not wanted to find out. I wanted to end it all many times, but I
kept pushing through for any reason I could find. I smiled as much as I could with everyone. I
would help as many people as much as possible. I would always be there for family and
friends, but it all was an act to help stop the pain or even to soften it at least. I still have a
clear memory of that horrific night when I gave up and wanted to end it all.

I remember vividly waking up to a bottle nearly empty with drops of alcohol pouring every
so often, it was late with one curtain closed and the other half broken, glass all over the
place, broken wooden parts across the room, and the bed is completely unorganized, and it
didn’t look any place I was familiar with. I couldn’t move for half an hour, but I spent all the
time weeping, then came to the realization that I was in a hotel, and I broke everything
inside that luxurious room. When I was finally able to get up it took all my strength to even
walk across the hall and flip the light switch that I conveniently broke when I was drunk, I
guessed. I paced across the rooms realizing by the minute I have reached an all-time low. I
gave up. I remembered my parents who left me for reasons I have still yet to find out. I
remembered my best friend who I haven’t spoken to in years because he decided I wasn’t
good enough for him. I remembered all the friends I had who left me because I wasn’t
“cool” enough for them. I remembered my siblings who I haven’t spoken to in months. I
opened my phone and started reminiscing about all my old memories and started crying. I
knew I would never live those days again and I gave up. I texted some people saying I was
going to do it and I had given up, I even called the suicide prevention and told them then
closed with no further context. I could hear sirens seconds before blacking out and waking
up in a hospital tied up to make sure I was not a threat to myself.

Suddenly many people who I had not spoken to were all in that hospital’s waiting room to
see me. Family, friends, and more. I was filled with joy and couldn’t help but cry tears of joy.
I promised everyone around me I would get into therapy to overcome this, and I devoted
the next few years of my life to overcoming my tragic past which I finally have done. I
overcame my desire to end my life and finally am happy with myself and have many people
around me that I care about and that care about me also.

I also wrote this letter for another reason. What If never call suicide prevention or texted
family and friends? Would they have found out why I did this? And if they did, would they
have cared about me as much? Those are a few of the many unanswered questions I have
that I still ponder about and have not consulted my therapist about. I fear that I know the
answer to that question and that the answer is nobody would have cared about me at all.
They would have continued living their life as if nothing happened. I am insignificant in this
life and the only reason anyone paid attention to me was out of pity and sympathy not any
true feeling of love for me or caring about me at all. So this is my conclusion and after
months of coming to an answer, I wrote this letter to say goodbye to you all but this time
with an explanation of why I’m ending my life. Thank you all and goodbye.