Sadhguru- How to have a Perfect Relationship?

When you're unable to hear what somebody else is saying, your relationships will go bad
in many ways The fundamentals of your relationship is you're willing to listen to the other person discipline
if you want to say everything there will be no relationship
relationships for most of you the way you are right now the quality of your relationship largely decides the quality of your life is it so

the quality of relationships that you hold in your life largely decides the very quality of life that you live
so when it is playing such an important role in your life I think it needs to be looked at
so what is the basis of a relationship why do human beings need a relationship first of all
relationships are formed on different levels various types of relationships to fulfill different types of needs their needs may be physical
psychological emotional social financial political
it could be any kind but to fulfill various needs within a human being relationships are established on different levels
whatever the nature of the relationship whatever the type of relationship still the fundamental aspect is you have a need to fulfill
now I have nothing to get I want to give giving is also as much a need as receiving something yes
I have to give something to somebody this is also as much a need as I have to receive something
so there is a need whatever kind of needs
Needs maybe diverse accordingly relationships could be diverse
now the moment we form a relationship wanting to fulfill this need and if that need is not fulfilled then relationships relationships will go
back for whatever purpose for which we have formed a relationship
if those needs and those expectations are not fulfilled relationships will go back we may claim many things but when your expectations
are not fulfilled it does go bad is it
so instead of doing too much wishy-washy about it it's best to look at it straight and see what is it and how we need to handle it
the needs within a human being have risen because of a certain sense of incompleteness
people are forming relationships to experience a certain sense of completeness within themselves when you have a good relationship
with someone dear to you feel complete
when you don't have that you feel incomplete
why is this so
because this life this piece of lie it's a complete entity by itself
why is it feeling incomplete and why is it trying to fulfill itself by making a partnership with another piece of life
fundamental reason is that we have not explored this life in its full depth and dimension though that is the basis there is a complex
process of relationships as such there are expectations and expectations and expectations and expectations
the expectations that most people are creating ourselves that there is no human being on the planet who could ever fulfill those
expectations
if you especially this man woman relationship the expectations have so much that even if you marry a god or a goddess
they will fail you because the expectations are so unrealistic that nobody no human being can ever fulfill that and unable to understand
the expectations or the source of expectations nobody can fulfill the expectations but if you understand what is the source of this
expectation you could form a very beautiful partnership
getting very serious with relationships
on a certain day Jack and Jill now let me use I'm trying to just culturally change the joke
Jack and Jill were going up the hill and Jack had a bucket in his hand a chicken under his arm and a pitchfork and a row at the end of
which there was a goat and Jill said I'm feeling very nervous
Jack said why I'm afraid you may have your way with me I'm alone with you
he said what do you mean I didn't do anything and my hands were full so she said you may put the pitchfork down plant it in the earth tie
the good to it put the chicken down and put a bucket over it
couldn't you
in the process of holding a relationship the first moment of meeting the expectations may be common but has every step that we take in
life the expectations may become different because these expectations keep changing in people they are not consistent and they cannot
be one person may be consistent with the same expectation throughout their life another person's expectations may be changing
because his perception and experience of life is changing
now relationships become great conflict more conflict is happening within the four walls of the homes then he's happening anywhere on
the planet
only thing is bombs are not exploring so you don't hear it
they may be giving each the silent treatment
it is happening because people's expectations are changing and they are not changing at the same pace
they're changing a different pace
one person is changing fast another person is not so fast about how to change their expectations
so if you go about doing management and circus with these things there is no way you can gauge it 100% and have a beautiful
relationship
if you try to mind-read the other person and constantly try to fulfill their expectations you will become a wreck you tried those things
you're trying to you know outdo the other person in really wanting to fulfill all that expectations you become a wreck
so if you go like this it's an endless circus to some extent you have do it but that is not the basis of a beautiful relationship
fundamentally why have we sought a relationship because you find yourself that will be doubt a relationship
if you do not have any kind of relationship in your life then you become depressed
so fundamentally you're seeking a relationship because you want to be happy you want to be joyful or in other words you're trying to use
the other as a source of your happiness
when you're trying to use the other person as a source of your happiness what it means is your happiness is not oneself start it's like this
maybe nobody is old enough for this but here

let's say you bought a car in 1940

if you got yourself a car in 40s along with the car you have to get yourself two servants because money will push start
50s if you got a car one servant would do because crank start now all your automobiles ourselves start visitin
what you happen is you still don't push start isn't it
somebody has to push it a little bit otherwise it won't get started
if you put your happiness in self start and now if you are happy by your own nature
now relationships will become a means for you to express your happiness not to seek happiness
if you're forming relationships to seek happiness and trying to squeeze happiness out of somebody and that person is trying to squeeze
happiness out of you
now this is going to be a painful relationship after some time initially it may be okay because something is being fulfilled but if you have
become a joy by yourself and you're forming relationships because you want to express your happiness nobody is going to complain
about you because you are in the process of expressing your joy not seeking joy from the other person
so if your life becomes an expression of your joy not in pursuit of happiness then relationships will be naturally wonderful you can hold a
million relationships and still hold them good
now this whole circus of trying to fulfill somebody else's expectations does not arise because if you are an expression of joy anyway they
want to be with you
if you're trying to extract joy from them then they want to avoid you yes
shifting your life from pursuit of happiness to an expression of joyfulness is what needs to happen if relationships have to really work on
all levels because there are many kinds
your body is right now made in such a way that it's still in a condition where it needs a relationship
your mind is made in such a way that it still needs a relationship
your emotions are in such a way that it still needs a relationship and deeper down your very energies have made it such a way that you
still need a relationship on that level also
if your body goes in search of a relationship we call the sexuality
if your mind goes in search of relationships we call this companionship
if your emotion goes in search of relationships we call this love
if your energies go in search of relationship we call this yoga
all these efforts are just an effort to become one with something else isn't it yes
whether it is sexuality or companionship or love or yoga what you're trying is you trying to become one with something else because
somehow being who you are right now is not enough
how can you become one with somebody else
physically you have tried it looks like you're going to make it but you know you fall apart
mentally you have tried many times you thought you really there but you know two minds that never one isn't it
isn't at all you're known enough life to know that isn't it
two minds are never one isn't it
no matter what you do with that, no matter how close you think you are never really want
emotionally you thought you really made it yes
it gave you the feeling that you really really mean it to people have really become one but lines come up very easily isn't
so what is the way to fulfill this longing to become one with something
there is a longing to become one with something else because the way this one is is not sufficient
this longing is not going to stop with just becoming one with one being because it alone for/along for more more and
this cannot be fulfilled physically or mentally or emotionally
all these three things you've tried it gives you nearness to that experience but it doesn't make you one it remains our longing forever the
very longing may become a sweet experience for people and they may get addicted to the longing but if you have a longing you want to
reach the destination someday isn't it you
want to reach a fulfillment do you know
someone said told you the other is hell
the other is always help so this is the reason because you don't want to experience this hell
you want to experience it's at least a small part of humanity as a part of yourself and
that's that longing is called relationship this longing to include somebody or the other as a part of your life is what is called as
relationships
so whatever is within the boundaries of your sensation you experience as myself whatever you experience is myself if the other is hell
this inclusion could be heaven isn't it to experience that heaven to have the peace of heaven in your life is what is the desperation to
have relationships
now if you you have noticed stat that sensory body has a separate presence of its own apart from the physical
now the whole system of yoga is about this Yoga means the word yoga means union whatever is the longing behind any relationship
either if you try through the body or through the mind or through the emotion you will only long you will never know that oneness you will
know moments of oneness but it'll never happen
now let us say if you can extend your sensory body to this whole hall and you experience all this life around you as a part of yourself
now the way you exist here is a very very different now relationships will only become a way of looking towards the others need not
about your own because you have no need of your own anymore
once there are no compulsions within you and everything that you do becomes conscious if the compulsiveness to have a relationship is
over within you
now you will only act consciously now relationships will become a true blessing no more our longing no more a struggle
so trying this with your body with your mind with your emotion is fine but it will not get you there
if you can extend these life energies into a larger proportion simply by keeping your life energies very exuberant if you keep them highly
exuberant you will see your sensitive body will be all over the place
have you noticed when you're happy everybody seems to be fine
when we say relationships people are trying to create relationships on too much fantasy it is not rooted in reality
what is in a fantasy state today it can be a good one tomorrow could be a bad trip
it happened one day a woman was dreaming and in a dream a handsome Hulk of a man appeared
she became breathless and she asked
what are you going to do to me the man said well ladies you dream whatever you wish
where do you find such a man only energy
lot of relationships are going bad not because you have something any bad intention most of them go bad with good intentions
good intentions are unbearable many times isn't it so
there was a new lawyer
his first case is very enthusiastic he really wants to do his best
he lost the case then he went to meet his client who was in custody
he went and told him I have good news and bad news for you
which do you want fast the man said okay give me the bad news first
so the lawyer said you have been sentenced to death then he asked what the hell can be good news after this
the lawyer said I really fought hard and got the voltage reduced for you
so good intentions can you know good intentions and too much enthusiasm without the necessary sentence about the other person can
create too many problems in relationships instead of trying to manage relationships which is truly impossible actually
if you just learn to include other as a part of yourself and your life becomes an expression of joyfulness not in pursuit of happiness then
you will see relationships have various colors but every color if it could be enjoyed
every color of it every color and you that it takes on could be just fine but if you try to manage relationships with your brilliant
management you will see if you just give you hell
the smartest people on the planet are those people who think they are really smart tend to have the most horrible relationships not
essentially but generally people
somebody who's just simple they have wonderful relationships because it is not the question of Management
nobody like to be likes to be managed by you you need to understand that yes
nobody likes to be managed by you when they realize you're managing them they'll give you help in so many ways they'll
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make your life miserable please see for most people on this planet it is not
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their enemies who are taking their life it is their loud ones isn't it so yes if
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your enemy is taking your life there is some sense to it but people care for
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each other but they are the people who are taking each other's life you should use it the tool this is
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happening constantly generation after generation people are going through the same things because they believe the
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other person has to be managed you don't try to manage the other person you see
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how to include the other person then even if you don't understand what the
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hell is happening with other person okay you don't have to understand every damn
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thing about the other person ease it is the inclusion that the other person is seeking not really that you have to
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understand every my every thought and every emotion in fact they'll feel threatened if you understand everything
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isn't it people will feel very threatened if you seem to understand
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just about everything will get scary people are not looking for understanding
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though they claim they're looking for understanding what they're looking is for inclusion isn't it it is
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inclusiveness that you're seeking in a relationship understanding could be very
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threatening so managing relationships is
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not what needs to be done you need to understand first of all why you need a
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relationship somewhere there is some sense of incompleteness if you take away
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this if you attain to that state within you which has nothing to do with the
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other then you will see every other wants to be with you everybody wants to
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be with you because your need is gone this is the funny thing about life when
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you have a need nobody wants to be with you when your need is gone everybody wants to be with it's only when the
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flower blossoms the bees will come if you don't blossom bees won't come
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you're a closed back and calling the bees they won't come if you open up you
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don't have to call they'll anyway come so if you want to have wonderful relationships do not try
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to manage the relationship see how to enhance who you are who you are on our
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levels physically mentally emotionally energy-wise see how to up this if you
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enhance yourself into a very beautiful state everybody wants to hold a relationship with you instantly
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enhancing this one you are trying to manage this no it doesn't work so if
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human beings have to really have wonderful relationships first and foremost thing that they need to do is
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how to take to take this to this ultimate possible level right now if you
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take keep yourself in the best possible way in body mind and emotion do people
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want to be with you yes people want to be with you definitely isn't it now you
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don't keep yourself well in any of these levels and you expect people to be with you now you become a burden
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now the other is hell so human beings
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should always and always and always focus on how to enhance his way of being
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then everything else gets naturally managed whether it's your profession or
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your relationship or whatever else in your life will happen to its best only
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when who you are is enhanced if you do not enhance this and try to manage all those things that is going to be very
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stressful it's going to be very very stressful life the relationships
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probably are causing the maximum amount of stress on this planet am i right
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it is and as people get more educated
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and they think they are more modern they're having more problems having any kind of relationship with anybody isn't
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it isn't it education should have widen
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our horizons of life but it looks like it is compressed everything in such a way that you can't get along with
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anybody this is this happening isn't this
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happening worldwide there was a time even now in India in some parts a family means it is 200-300
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people in one home one large home 200-300 people living together because
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family means the main you know grandfather grandmother uncles aunts
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grand uncle's grand anse cousins everybody is one family as we got little
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more educated we thought these uncles and aunts damn them we dropped them we
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thought family means has been wife children parents then after a while we
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thought my parents are ok but her parents her
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let's drown them somewhere then we thought let's drop both the parents
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without family means husband wife children now children are thinking it is
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not so now it is becoming such that even
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to people the couple are not able to live together only if they meet once in a while there
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okay weekend marriage is all right through the week impossible it's
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becoming like that because we are becoming more and more exclusive not inclusive the whole modern societies are
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encouraging exclusiveness exclusiveness will lead to depression isn't it yes
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people have depressed like never before on this planet do you notice
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never before humanity had known these kind of comforts and conveniences never
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before as humanity enjoyed this kind of food security on the planet never before
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never before has humanity enjoyed this kind of health security on the planet
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but never before humanity has been dist depressed because they can't get along
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with anybody they become too exclusive inclusiveness this relationship
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exclusiveness naturally needs to depression Yoga means ultimate
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inclusiveness the word yoga literally means Union when I say yoga don't think
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that I am talking about a particular way of knotting your limbs are holding your
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breath or standing on your head no anything that leads to the Union is called yoga
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whichever way so there are how many ways are there to reached your ultimate union
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with life or with everything you can
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only work with what you have isn't it is that you can you work with something
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that you do not have no that's clear isn't it so what is it that you call as
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myself right now your body your mind your emotion your energies may not be in
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your experience but you can easily infer and see if this one has to function like this there is some kind of energy making
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this happen right that much everybody can understand right now we may not
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understand how this microphone works but because it is amplifying the sound we
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can understand this some kind of energy source behind this either a battery cell or a powerhouse but some kind of energy
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sources behind this so these are the four realities for you body mind emotion
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and energy if you employ your body and
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try to reach your ultimate nature we call this Karma Yoga Yoga action if you
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employ your intelligence and try to reach your ultimate nature we call this non Yoga Yoga of intelligence if you
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employ your emotion and try to reach your ultimate nature we call this bhakti Yoga Yoga devotion or emotion if you
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transform your inner energies and try to reach your ultimate nature we call this Kriya yoga yoga of transforming energies
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these are the only four ways you can do it because these the only four things that you really have rest is imagination
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they may be there but not in your experience what is not in your experience is not a reality for you
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isn't it right now modern science is talking about eleven parallel dimensions
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right here that's not in your experience isn't it not yet a reality for you can
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only make a theory out of it you can only believe it but not yet a reality
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for you cannot work with it only when it comes into your experience you can work with it so these are the only four
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realities this is a very beautiful story in the yogic lore are you okay for the story
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can I tell you a story I seek your permission because the
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moment I say once upon a time many people think it's a bit time that's the
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only time they heard that word once upon a time before three sentences are over
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so once upon a time on a certain day four men were walking in the forest
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among these four men one is a bhakti yogi another is a nanny yogi karma yogi
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creates that means Yoga intelligence yoga devotion yoga of action and Yoga
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transforming energies these four people can never be together but today they
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were walking together in the forest why I'm saying they can never be together is somebody who follows the path of the
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intellect he of course things everybody is dumb stupid especially the devotees
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were doing ROM ROM or whatever else they look utterly stupid for the man of
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intellect isn't it so yes people are bowing down and praying and calling for
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God these people look utterly stupid for a man of intellect to heat things
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they're just idiots but somebody was on the path of devotion things has pity for
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everybody because when God is here instead of holding his hand and walking in absolute freedom all this nonsense
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with your mind and your body and all the yoga and everything is just stupid he has pity for everybody because just in
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stuff's riding on the lap of God why all this nonsense karma yogi the man of
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action he firmly believes all the others are just lazy people who are trying to find
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an explanation or an excuse for their laziness because if you want something to happen you got to do it yes because
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you're lazy you're unwilling to do you're finding all kinds of philosophies
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he has disdain a clear yogi has absolute
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disdain for everybody because after all the whole existence is energy if you do not transform your energy what is going
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to happen nothing everything is just empty talk so
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these four people cannot be together but today they were walking together in the
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forest and a rain storm broke loose to
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escape the rain they started running then the bhakti yogi the man of devotion
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said in this direction there is an ancient temple we could go and take shelter there
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because he knows the geography of temples for there ran in the direction
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after some time they came to this ancient temple the walls had collapsed long ago just the roof and four columns
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were standing they went in and the rain and the storm picked up momentum and
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started lashing from every direction to escape this they went closer and closer
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to the center in the center there was an image of God and there was no other
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place to sit because rain was lashing from every direction to escape this all
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the four of them just humped and huddled around this image of God suddenly God
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appeared the first question in everybody's mind is why now
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so much yogurt we did so much Mercia P did you did not come now when we just
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trying to escape the rain why not then God said at last you 4 idiots got
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together I was waiting for this so if you want to
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get somewhere all these four aspects body mind emotion and energy has to
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function together only then you get somewhere with one aspect you don't get
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anywhere everyone of you is a combination of these four things but a
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different kind of combination a unique combination this is also body mind
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emotion and energy that is also a body mind emotion and energy but it's very different because these four things have
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come together in different ways in every person so accordingly the right kind of
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yoga has to be mixed in the right proportion otherwise it doesn't work I
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give this person one kind of yoga if I give the same to that person it will not work because he's a different
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combination of the same four ingredients it is because of this in the yogic
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traditions so much stress has been laid about having a live guru because he will
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mix the right kind of concoction unless it is mixed properly even if it's the
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best thing it doesn't work what is working wonderfully for one person is not working for the other person because
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it is wrong prescription medicine is good but wrong prescription so if these
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four things are handled properly only then this one moves ahead what these
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four dimensions mean is head heart hands and energy is there anybody here who's
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just one big head no heart at all no hands at all no energy are one big heart
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not other things you're a combination of these four things isn't it each one may be a unique combination of these four
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things because each one is a unique combination of these four things relationships cannot be managed
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relationships can never be managed because each one is a unique combination of these four things if you handle these
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four things properly you can include the other as a part of yourself in this inclusion all the
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differences are okay differences add color and dimension to our life always
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the problem with the other person is that he doesn't think like you and feel
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like you isn't it can you imagine in your house if there was one more person like you could you live there that would
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be horror isn't it fortunately nobody else is like you
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fortunately nobody else is like you if all the people in your home were just
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like you could you live there but that's what you're complaining about that they
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are different what is adding color and dimension to
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your life that is what you're complaining about what is good for you you're complaining because there is no
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sense of inclusiveness if you included the other as a part of yourself all
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these differences you could enjoy see now the very fundamentals of this
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man-woman relationship is a man seeks a woman and a woman seeks a man because they're different isn't it yes because
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it is different if they were just like you it's no good in everywhere they're
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different in body in mind in emotion they're different that's why you seek them isn't it if everything was same
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then you didn't have to seek them but
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after you get together now you expect the other person just to be like you to think like you to feel like you to act
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like you this is a disaster if it ever gets fulfilled fortunately nobody fools
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it fulfills it for you but if it ever so happens that your expectation is
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fulfilled that's going to be the biggest disaster you must be very glad lot of
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your expectations have not fulfilled if they are you're finished
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please look at it if all your expectations are fulfilled your life will be a much bigger disaster then it
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not being fulfilled recently the relationships are a longing
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for inclusiveness and if you approach it as such and include the other as a part
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of yourself however they are whichever way they are they will be just fine with you they'll
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be just wonderful for you but if there is no inclusiveness if you stand away and look at them and study them and see
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how to manage them then whichever way they are they're impossible it's just
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impossible you know we have programs
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regular programs going gone for the last 16 years in the prisons in South India and also in a few prisons in United
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States I have lot of friends for in and
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about 20% of our time and energies have spent in the prison and all the South
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Indian presence it's mandatory now that our programs go on regularly so people
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keep asking me such good why are you spending so much time with these criminals yes they have committed all
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kinds of acts these are people if you look at their history sheets there are
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murders rapes and drug addiction and a million other things every kind of thing
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that a human being can do and cannot do there's been done if you let these
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people out tomorrow morning maybe fifty percent of them at least fifty percent
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of them will repeat the same things it is so 50 percent of them may look for
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alternative way of living at least fifty percent of them will repeat the same thing this is how they are but when I am
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with them they're just wonderful guys they're absolutely lively exciting and
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wonderful people it is just that if you include somebody
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as a part of yourself and if you are not seeking anything from them and you're
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just a joyful presence for them when they're happy any human being when he is
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happy he's a wonderful human being isn't it so yes if you meet any kind of person
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when he is very happy he's a wonderful person but if you meet the same person
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when he's unhappy he could be really nasty you're so - isn't it yes if
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somebody meets you when you're happy you're just great if somebody meets you when you're unhappy it's another game
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isn't it so somebody's become ugly
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somebody is becoming ugly or beautiful not because they are ugly a beautiful
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because they are joyful are not joyful when they are joyful everybody is
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beautiful when they are not joyful everybody is ugly isn't it so yes so we
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are trying to the problem with us is we are always if you are growing a garden
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we are trying to focus on the flower and the fruit it is not the flower on the
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fruit that you should focus on it is the root that you need to focus on if you nurture the root the flowers will fall
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on your head anyway even if you don't look for it you don't have to sit there
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and pray for flowers and fruits if you nurture the root flowers and fruits will anyway happen that so with a
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garden and that's all with your life rather than nurturing the roots you are constantly seeking the flower and fruit
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flower and fruit will not come if you do not nurture the roots you can only dream
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about it dream is all yours but that is
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also not true you cannot dream what you want isn't it so please look at the
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tragedy of life people cannot even dream what they want nightmares