How To Be More Assertive

http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/assertiveness/how-to-
be-more-assertive-part13.html

Online Assertiveness Training

Welcome to this online course on how to be more assertive.

This course has a simple structure:

 There are a number of articles for you to read, covering various aspects of how to
be more assertive.

These articles are listed on the right side of this and every subsequent article.

 At the end of each article there is a question for you to think about or activity to
try.

We strongly recommend that you don't skip these, but spend some time thinking
about them, even if only a couple of minutes. They will improve the impact of the
course on your level of assertiveness. It would be ideal if you were to work
through this course with someone else. Discussing these questions with others is
of significant benefit in becoming more assertive.
 At the end of the series of articles there is an activity to produce a personal action
plan.

Don't wait until the end. Start thinking from the start about the question: "what
can I do differently to be more assertive?".

You will hopefully find much of these course interesting and of benefit. However, you
may think that some of the approaches or techniques outlined in this course may not work
for you. If that is the case as you are reading a page, don't skip the page and go to the next
article. Rather, consider if there is a variation of the technique, or a 'subset' of the
approach described, or an adaptation of it, that you can use. There is no benefit for you in
critiquing the course. There is benefit for you in finding those parts of the course that you
can use, and applying them in your daily life.

Overview of the Course

The course contains 13 sections, but these fall into 5 main categories:
  An introduction to Assertiveness
 Do I want to be assertive? A look at myself
 Laying the foundations for good relationships with others: rights and
responsibilities
 A smorgasbord of techniques
 Applying the lessons: a personal action plan

Throughout the workshop, make notes of important points as they occur to you. You will
find them useful to refer to at the end of the course, when you review what you have
learned and decide what you want to put into action.

NB: Some of the activities involve writing answers. You may therefore find it easier to
print the article and write your answers on the print out. You can print these articles for
personal use.

If you are a trainer, and want to print the articles for use in an assertiveness workshop,
then please see details of permissions on the contact page. In summary, that page says the
articles can be printed for use as handouts in exchange for a link to our website, but they
cannot be electronically reproduced. More details are on the contact page.

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 1: What is Assertivness?
How To Be More Assertive: Part 1
Here are some definitions of "to assert", drawn from different sources:

Chambers 20th Century Dictionary

To vindicate or defend by argument or measures; to declare strongly; to lay claim to; to

insist upon; to affirm; to bear evidence of.

Dictionary.com

To state or express positively; to defend or maintain (one's rights, for example).

Game theory

A Win-win; you and the other person both get what you want.

The Assertiveness Pocketbook

Enjoying your rights, expressing your feelings, asking for what you want, stating your
views - with integrity, honesty, directness, respect for others.

There are many different views on what assertiveness is. But what matters for this course
is the definition that is relevant to you and your circumstances.

Questions
NB: print this page and complete the follow questions in order (the same question is
deliberately repeated as this is an iterative process):

1. What do you want to be able to do after this workshop that you could not do before?

2. What would the above behaviour (your answer to question 1) give you that you that
you didn't have before?

3. And what would that (your answer to question 2) give you that you didn't have before?
4. And what would that (your answer to question 3) give you that you didn't have before?

5. And what would that (your answer to question 4) give you that you didn't have before?

6. This next question is a bit harder, and you will probably need to keep thinking about it
long after you have completed this course: what is the best way for you to get the above
(ie your answer to question 5).

7. Finally, why is it so difficult to say "No"?

How To Be More Assertive: Part 2: Four Styles

How To Be More Assertive: Part 2

In Game Theory, there are four basic styles that you can use when interacting with other
people, depending on whether you are working to get what you and the other person
want:

You get
Concede Negotiate
what you want
You don�t get
Withdraw Demand
what you want
SITUATIONAL I don�t get I get
TACTICS what I want what I want

So, for example, to "concede" means "I don't get what I want, but you get what you
want". That is, if you concede then you are saying "you win, I lose".

These are called "situational tactics" because they are behaviours that you can use in
different situations. In fact, depending on the situation, there are times when it is
appropriate to each of these.
Incidentally, there is an approach that could be considered to be another tactic - to
compromise. However, this tactic forms part of the negotiation process.

Questions
1. Think of some examples of situations when it might be best or appropriate to use each
of these tactics - try to think of two scenarios for each:

Negotiate

Concede

Demand

Withdraw

2. How do you feel about using each of these tactics personally? If it helps, think of
situations when you have behaved in this way, and recall how you felt at the time:

Negotiate

Concede

Demand
Withdraw

3. Finally, how do you feel when someone else uses these tactics with you? Again, if it
helps, think of situations when someone has behaved in this way and recall your reaction
and feelings:

Negotiate

Concede

Demand

Withdraw

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 2 continued

How To Be More Assertive: Part 2 (continued)

The four styles are tactics that can be used in different situations. The tactic that it is
appropriate to use most often is 'negotiate'; the other tactics are used less often and in
particular circumstances.

For example, it is appropriate to demand something in an emergency. If you are in a shop

and a friend collapses with a heart attack, you would tell someone to phone to call an
ambulance. And in those circumstances, it is appropriate for the other person either to
concede use of the phone or to make the call themselves (negotiating over payment for
the call would be inappropriate). Other people in the shop may want to purchase
products, but decide that they should withdraw, to allow the emergency services access:
both the shop and the shopper lose out, but with good reason.

This is an extreme example, but each of these tactics can also be used appropriately in
normal circumstances. For example, it can be appropriate in the middle of a negotiation
to "withdraw", in order to collect your thoughts or reflect on the progress so far.
Sometimes you may decide to concede simply because you want to 'choose your battles',
and only spend time on those issues that are worth the time and effort.

Inappropriate use of tactics

From the above examples you can see that there are times when it is appropriate to be
unassertive. It depends on the circumstances, and it is your choice.

Problems tend to arise, however, when unassertiveness becomes a habit, or when the
wrong tactics are used for the situation. If you meet a mugger in the street, for example,
the most sensible thing to do is withdraw (if that is possible): trying to negotiate is rarely
a sensible strategy in that circumstance.

Another example of inappropriate unassertiveness is when you boss asks you to do

something extra and it causes you a problem with your workload. Many people simply
'concede' to a boss' request, but the most appropriate strategy is to negotiate. A failure to
negotiate could result in you having to work long hours, or you failing to complete some
other aspect of your job on time because you are doing what your boss asked.

Life Stance

A 'life stance' is a tendency to use a particular tactic as the first, or even only, choice.

You get
Submissive Assertive
what you want
You don�t get
Passive- Aggressive Aggressive
what you want
LIFE I don�t get I get
STANCE what I want what I want

Questions
Which of the four styles do you tend to use more than others?
Why?

Which of the four styles (if any) do you find it difficult to use?

Why?

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 3: Rights and Responsibilities

How To Be More Assertive: Part 3

Which of the following do you and/or your manager have as rights? (Indicate with a tick
or cross, or make a note of any qualifying comments).

RIGHTS Me My Boss

To make a mistake    

To say �no�    

To not give any reasons or excuses for one's behaviour    

To say "I don�t know"    

To change one's mind    

To express personal opinions    

To say �I don�t care�    

To do the job in one's own way once objectives are agreed    

To be given respect    

To not be talked about behind one's back    

To expect certain standards from the other person    

To give feedback (good and bad)    

To be consulted when decisions might have an impact on me    

Assertiveness can involve defending your rights, whilst respecting others� rights.

Assertiveness can involve carrying out your responsibilities whilst insisting others also
adhere to their responsibilities as well.

Question
What are the main rights and responsibilities that should be observed by both parties in
all your relationships?

Rights Responsibilities
How To Be More Assertive: Part 4
What you believe has a major impact on your behaviour, and your assertiveness.

Here are some examples of unassertive beliefs:

 �If someone refuses a request, it means they don�t like me�

 �They won't want to do that, so I won't ask�

 �My needs are not as important as other peoples�
 �I have no right to ask�
 �I�d rather give in and avoid the conflict�
 �If I ask, they�ll think I�m being rude or bossy�

Here are some examples of aggressive beliefs:

 �People should always do what I ask�

 �A refusal is an attack on me personally�

 �My needs are more important than others��

What negative beliefs inhibit your assertiveness:

Here are some examples of positive beliefs:

  �We may be at different levels in the organisation, but as people we both have
rights & a right to our beliefs�

 �If we both express our views, we can then explore ways of both getting what
we want�
 �I�ll listen to what you have to say, and I�ll expect you to listen to what I
have to say�

What positive beliefs do you need to develop to become more assertive?

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 5: Being Direct

How To Be More Assertive: Part 5

"Being Direct" is a straightforward technique. When you want something, ask for it and
get straight to the point. Eg:

�I�d like someone to drive me to the airport this afternoon. Would you be able to do
that?�

And when you answer such a request, be direct as well:

�No, I�m taking this afternoon off to play golf�.

Benefits and Drawbacks

Being direct is, for most everyday matters, the best way to interact. It has a number of
benefits, including:

 It saves time
 Misunderstandings are reduced
 It enables genuine negotiation to take place
 You get more easily and quickly to a win-win solution
 Other people don't have to second-guess what you are thinking

If you are not direct, it can lead to several problems, such as:

 Things don't go the way you would like them to

  You feel resentful as a result
 Other people stop asking you
 They may not say it, but other people don't trust your honesty

False beliefs

There are some false beliefs about being direct, such as:

 You will upset other people

 You will appear selfish or arrogant
 You will inconvenience other people by asking
 You will not be liked

All these beliefs are false, and in fact the converse is often true, because when you are not
direct, you:

 frustrate other people by not saying what you want

 deny others the opportunity to help you, which they would like, by not asking
 appear insecure and oversensitive
 inconvenience people because they have to spend time working out how not to
offend you.

A Simple Example

Suppose you receive an invitation to a party, but already have other plans and you believe
the other person will be offended if you decline.

Option 1 is to say "Thank you for the invitation. Unfortunately, I already have another
commitment, so I can't come." The other person will accept this and think none the less
of you.

Option 2 is to think the person may be offended by a refusal. So, you think you have to
give a really good reason to show how you would like to go but are unable to do so. So,
you say: "I'd really love to come, but John and Mary don't get out much. I've offered to
babysit. I suppose I could try to find someone else, but I'm not sure I could find anyone at
this short notice. I could talk to them and find out what time they are going, and see if I
could drop in for a short time....", etc.. If you keep up this type of self-justification for
much longer, the person who asked you will be wishing they hadn't (and they might
avoid doing so in future).

Summary

Being direct is a much better option than not. Being direct is being honest and showing
integrity.

 Don�t apologise profusely.

  Don�t beat around the bush, as it frustrates the other person
 Keep it short (making long-winded excuses can cause confusion)
 If appropriate give a reason for your request, but don�t make it a long-winded
self-justification
 Don�t dress up your requests with flattery, which can come across as
manipulation and make it more difficult for the person to refuse
 Don�t take a refusal personally

Questions
When is it best to be direct?

When might being direct be inappropriate?

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 6: Expressing Disagreement Constructively

Expressing Disagreement Constructively

How To Be More Assertive: Part 6
When you disagree with someone, it is often best to be direct and clear, as
it avoids an unfortunate misunderstanding. Eg: when someone disagrees
they often go quiet; yet silence is often interpreted by others as agreement.
Hence, there is a miscommunication.

Disagreement can sometimes feel confrontational, so the assertive

approach is to express disagreement in a constructive manner. This
involves stating the disagreement clearly, but then following up
immediately with one of the following:

1. a proposed alternative

�No I can�t take you to the airport. John may know of someone
else going to the airport this afternoon�try asking him.�
2. asking the other person to think of an alternative
 �No, I can�t take you to the airport. Who else could you ask?�
3. stating where you agree

�I don�t think that idea will work, but I do agree that something
needs to be done about it, and we�ve got to find a solution�

Expressing disagreement constructively can also help to overcome the

�Apollo Syndrome�, a phenomenon whereby highly intelligent
individuals perform badly as a team. The reason is that they keep focusing
on disagreements, so spend their time in arguments that go round in
circles.

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 7: Manage the other person's behaviour, by enforcing a process

Managing People who are not Assertive

How To Be More Assertive: Part 7

Both people in a dialogue need to be assertive in order to get to a satisfactory solution. If
the other person is not being assertive it can cause problems:

 an aggressive person doesn�t listening to your views/needs, so you need to make

them listen
 an unassertive person doesn�t express their views, so you need to encourage
them to express their views
 a passive-aggressive person avoids any real dialogue, so you need to engage them
in the discussion

To manage the other person�s behaviour, you may have to temporarily suspend your
own concern�s and point of view, and manage the structure/agenda of the discussion.
This means:

 you need to have a �process� to follow

 you act as a facilitator in the discussion, explaining, and then making sure you
both follow, the process
 once you have started the process, you also act as a participant in the process (this
is challenging, because acting as both facilitator and participant can be difficult)
A process
Here is a simple process that you can use:

 Outline the process (below) and the principle it is based on: that you are aiming
for a solution that will work for both of you. (If you are talking to your boss, or
someone senior, you will also have to acknowledge their right to make the final
decision).
 Each of you explain your positions positively�that is, what you each want.
 Ask for, and suggest, potential solutions or ideas.
 Assess the idea(s) to see if it meets both your needs. If not, suggest (brainstorm)
other ideas.
 If you exhaust all ideas, agree how you will both compromise to find a solution
that partly satisfies both of you.
 Choose a solution that meets BOTH sets of needs.

Don�t:

 give in to the other person�s needs (that is being unassertive) or

 ignore their needs (that is aggression) or
 go silent or withdraw (that is passive-aggression).

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 8: Build Rapport

How To Be More Assertive: Part 8

It is easier to get what you need from someone (and to find out what they need) if you
have a good rapport with someone. That involves:

 Using active listening skills to hear what they are saying.

 Making empathetic statements, that demonstrate you understand their situation

and needs.
 Asking them questions about their views, or the problems they see, or the
reservations they have
 Finding things that you have in common and talking about them
 Dealing with them face to face (not by telephone or email) and looking them in
the eye
 Taking an interest in the whole person, and their wider interests, not just their
work or the task they are currently working on.
Building rapport is analogous to strengthening a bridge over a river: the stronger the
bridge, the more it can carry. That is, the better rapport that you have in a relationship
with someone, the more you can ask of them.

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 9: Focus on Facts

How To Be More Assertive: Part 9

If someone makes a difficult request, eg: they are being inconsistent, or asking you for
something that is contrary to an established policy, or a customer demand, then:

 Let the facts speak for themselves

 Ask for clarification of the facts

This technique is particularly useful when dealing with your manager, a senior person or
someone in a position of power.

For example, you could point out the discrepancies between the current request and
previous requests. This should not be used to �score points� or to humiliate a person
who is inconsistent�everyone changes their mind. It should be used to identify and then
constructively resolve differences.

Questions

When might this technique be useful?

When might this technique be inappropriate?

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 10: Focus on Consequences
How To Be More Assertive: Part 10
This technique involves informing the other person about the consequences, or potential
consequences, of their actions or statements. This might include tangible outcomes, or
your personal feelings.

This technique can be particularly useful when dealing with your manager.

However, informing of consequences on their own can have a negative impact. And if the
consequences are manufactured, it can sound like a threat.

Make sure your consequences are real.

It is also very important to state what the person could do to change the consequences.
Eg:

"By giving me this information now, I have to work late to get the report to the client.
Next week, if you provide me the information by Friday lunchtime I�ll be able to go
home on time."
I�m upset by the way you criticised me in that meeting. In future, if you have a problem
with my work, could you please tell me in our one-to-one meetings.
I�m responsible for the management of safety standards in this area, and I�ve asked
you three times to tidy up that cabling across the floor. If you don�t get it sorted
someone might trip over, and have an accident. Either sort it now, or tape off the area so
no one can go into it, and then no one will get hurt.

Question

Under what type of circumstances would it be legitimate to tell someone that, in the
absence of certain actions, you will start disciplinary proceedings?

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 11: Stop Put-Down Behaviour

How To Be More Assertive: Part 11

When someone puts you down, a natural response is to want to exact revenge � to get
your own back�or to defend yourself.
In fact, when someone puts you down, defending yourself usually has the opposite effect:
it has a negative impact on both you and the other person.

The origin of put-downs is an insecurity in the other person: they want to make
themselves feel good by making you look bad. This relies on you responding in a way
that makes them feel good, and you going �on the defensive� does just that. Put-downs
rely on a reaction from you.

Your main aims, when responding to put downs,are usually:

 To stop the put down behaviour

 To do so in a way that maintains your own self respect

Here is a recommended strategy for dealing with put downs:

 In the first instance, IGNORE IT. In many cases the person may try a few times to
put you down but, once it becomes obvious there will be no reaction, will stop.
Other people will respect you for it (for being �mature enough� to ignore it).
NB: Don�t let yourself �feel bad� (such reactions reward the put-down
behaviour). Think: �I�ll rise above it. Put downs say much more about the
person saying it than the person the comments are directed towards).

 If you feel the need to deal with a put-down, do so with humour. Don�t treat it
seriously, make a joke out of it�but don�t make the other person the butt of the
joke. Eg: �I�m addicted to those typos, you know. I keep writing perfect
reports and then just slipping those typos in, just to let people know I�m human!
�
 If those don�t work, then use �negative assertion� (see next article).

It follows that you should never use put-down behaviour yourself. If you feel the urge to
do so, then you'll need to learn to value yourself more, so that you can overcome the
insecurity that drives such behaviour.

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 12: Texbook Techniques

How To Be More Assertive: Part 12

The following techniques are widely quoted in assertiveness textbooks. We have included
them in this series of articles for completeness, but please note that, in our view, these
techniques are not core to assertiveness.
Three of the techniques (negative assertion, negative enquiry and fogging) are defensive
techniques that can help to deal with put-downs from other people. The fourth technique
(broken record) is an aggressive technique that should only be used when:

 all other attempts to be assertive - to negotiate - have failed and

 your rights are being infringed.

Negative Assertion

Negative assertion involves accepting the truthful part of a criticism made against you,
and stating it in positive terms (and it can be mixed with a bit of humour). Eg:

�You�re stupid�
�Well, I�m not the most intelligent person who has ever walked on the planet.�

�You�re always making mistakes�

�I have to admit, I�m not perfect�

�You�re aggressive�
�I don�t let people walk all over me, that�s true.�

Negative Enquiry

This technique requires a lot of self-confidence. When someone is attacking or criticising

you, you ask them for constructive criticism�ie: what they think you are doing wrong,
and what you could do differently to be better.

�You�re stupid�
�Oh, what specifically am I not understanding?�

�You�re lazy�
�What is it that you think I should be doing?�

Fogging

Fogging involves using words that acknowledge the other person�s point of view, and
accepting that it might be true under circumstances, but without necessarily accepting it is
true of you. Fogging is particularly powerful if you are able to restate the other person�s
opinion in a way that could be true of anyone or everyone:

�You�re stupid�
�That could be true. We all have a stupid side to ourselves.�

�You�re always making mistakes�

�To err is human.�
�You�re aggressive�
�We all have an aggressive side to our personalities.�

Broken Record

This technique is usually only appropriate in situations where you do not have a long
term relationship with the other person, and your rights are being contravened (eg: when
a shop assistant refuses to accept the return of a faulty item). It can sometimes be used,
however, where you are short of time.

In this technique, you simple keep asserting your rights. It is sometimes important that
you understand your rights, and are able to quote reliable sources. Eg:

This item is faulty. Under the Sale of Goods Act I am entitled to a refund and I want my
money back.

I�ve got to go to a meeting. I don�t have time to talk about this now.

Question
In view of the cautions we have given, in what situations might it be suitable for you to
use �broken record�?

How To Be More Assertive:

Part 13: Personal Action Plan

How To Be More Assertive: Part 13

You have almost come to the end of this online course.

The last step is for you to review what has been covered in the course and decide what
you are going to do differently as a result.

You can do this review either by looking at the notes you have made during the course, or
by clicking on the links (right) to revisit the pages.

As a result of doing this online course, these are the things I plan to do differently: