The Social

Skills
Playbook

By Ego Driven
 The Social Skills Playbook

Introduction:
You’re either one or the other and this post concerns both.

Person A: “Why would I need to improve my social skills? I hate people!”

or “I’m an introvert, I don’t enjoy social events so I don’t need this”

Well you are wrong, Person A.

Being unable to nurture and maintain positive and good relationships; while enjoying your
time around other people will inevitably increase your anxiety levels (hence the whole concept
of social anxiety). But not only.

It will prevent you from seizing many opportunities that might come from simply meeting
more people.

Person B: “I need to get better at dealing with people”

”I want to work on my social skills but don’t know where to start”

You realize the importance of social skills, Person B.

So you will most likely value the information in this post more than the above example.

but as I said, you both need it.

Ok friends enough with introductions.

Because I got you.

As I said many times, self-awareness is the core component of social skills.

That’s why this will mainly be an introspective work, in other words, you’re going to have to
ask yourself some questions and answer them in the most honest way possible.

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That’s where we start, because if we’re going to work on something we first need to find the
problem we need to fix.

For how to fix them, this is going to be an ongoing series where I get more in detail as we
advance.

Anyway, with this out of the way, let’s start.

First and foremost, what you need to understand is that there are 3 main sides of
communication, which is the core of what we’ll cover.

- Nonverbal (body language, micro-expressions, postures, etc...)

- Verbal (assertiveness, choice of words, tone, listening abilities, rhetorical skills, short
answers, openers, etc..)

Being socially skilled mainly means being able to communicate properly and convey your
ideas while building positive relationships.

What means?

The most essential thing you should work on is your self-confidence.

No matter how good you are at communicating your ideas, you will always fail to do so if you
don’t have the balls to take the initiative and talk.

But it’s not just about verbal communication.

It also concerns your posture, the volume and tone of your voice and the overall ability to
impose your presence regardless of the content of what you’re going to say.

This is criminally underrated.

This is the very reason some seemingly stupid people can manage to impose their presence
without ever adding value to any of the conversations they take part of.

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As powerful as what you say to people with your words; your overall body language can come
and hinder your communication skills if it does not match your speech.

Just as it can do the opposite and reinforce an initially weak choice of words.

You can get away with a lot just by being confident in the way you conduct yourself.

Now questions are:

1- How to improve that?

2- How to practice that?

The answer (to both):

Put yourself out there and reflect on your experiences.

As long as you won’t be exposing yourself to uncomfortable situations you.

You can practice with a friend or relative but IS THAT REALLY EFFECTIVE?

The answer is NO.

It won’t be because you’ll be comfortable in that situation.

”Then how should I practice?”

“What should I practice?”

That’s what we will cover.

Assertiveness:

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Introduction to Assertiveness:
Assertiveness relies on 3 essential principles:

Clarity (Conciseness)
Acknowledgment of the other (Empathy)
Firmness (Enforcement)
For you to be properly assertive, you need to combine those three principles to convey your
message as clearly, firmly, and respectfully.

That is how you can impose yourself without stepping on other people's toes or creating
useless conflict.

Doing so will earn you respect without you attempting to please or impress anyone.

Being assertive is first and foremost being respectful towards yourself.

Hence the importance of being short and clear; thus eliminating any fluff that might create
confusion in the mind of your interlocutor, you want them to understand and respect your
boundaries.

So, how do you do it really?

Example:

"I appreciate you calling me, but I'm in the middle of something so I'll call you back later."

Acknowledgment of the other person's effort first.

Then introducing that you're not available; without explaining yourself, you don't need to tell
them everything, all they need to know is that you're not available.

The more you will try to explain how busy you are; the more likely they are to insist or simply
waste more of your time on the phone.

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You then end your sentence with your own terms: "I'll call you back later".

And that's the way it will be. Non-negotiable.

Yet very respectful.

The trick is to escalate; yet keep calm and control over the conversation.

Assertiveness VS Passive-Aggressiveness:
Typically, people will think assertiveness refers to passive-aggressive behavior. There is a
common misconception or confusion between the two, but they are very different. While one
aims at mixing up passiveness and aggressiveness; the other aims simply at defining clear
boundaries and imposing respect.

The essence of passive-aggressive behavior is tension in the person displaying such behavior,
while assertiveness aims at achieving the exact opposite.

Passive-aggressive behavior is often a sign of discomfort and an inability to express one's

frustration explicitly.

It is the tool of the weak.

It is a tool for cowards.

Assertiveness on the other hand respects other people's personal space and boundaries will
explicitly be putting up clear and distinct boundaries of your own.

It doesn't mean harm or disrespect.

It aims at defining the limits you accept without crossing other people's limits.

It is not about dominating your interlocutor; it is about not letting anyone disrespect you.

Assertiveness is polite yet firm.

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As opposed to aggressive communication, it isn't pushy. There has to be a balance between

saying "no" to others and saying "yes" to yourself. Those who are assertive know what they
want and how to achieve it without stepping on others.

It is the sweet spot between self-confidence and proper social skills that allow you to impose
yourself without putting others down.

As opposed to being passive-aggressive; or being either aggressive or passive.

Aggressiveness will lead you to nothing but useless conflict; as your raised voice indicates a
lack of self-confidence that you try to compensate for by violence.

Or in opposite cases, being passive; not being vocal enough to the point where you basically
invite people to take advantage of you. A sweet spot IS POSSIBLE.

Assertiveness & Self-Con dence

"It takes confidence to be assertive.

But

It builds confidence to be assertive.

Where you see a paradox, I see a virtuous cycle."

Let's explain.

For those of you who don't know what assertiveness means:

It's the fact of confidently and explicitly asserting one's boundaries by expressing them clearly
and without feeling ashamed of them.

My point from the above tweet is that people who lack confidence will more often than not
hold back and not set clear boundaries for fear of being judged or due to their will to be
accepted.

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They will thus accept behavior that trespasses their personal boundaries and will simply let
people step on their toes while taking on themselves for fear of offending the people around
them.

That's why it takes confidence to be assertive.

However, once you start learning and using assertiveness, you become more and more
confident in yourself as you become able to stand up for yourself and enforce your boundaries.

You become expressive of your limits and explicitly put them out so that people cannot act like
they simply didn't know.

Practicing assertiveness teaches you to be more straightforward and express what you have in
mind without feeling shame in offending anyone. At the end of the day, your thoughts are
yours and should always be respected. Except you'll have to enforce that respect.

So instead of seeing assertiveness as unachievable due to your low confidence, see it as your
training ground for developing confidence.

Being assertive is a sign if self-respect, it helps you maintain your self-esteem while imposing
yourself in a healthy way to avoid being taken advantage of.

Want to grow confidence? Work on becoming more assertive.

Assertive Body Language

As mentioned before, assertiveness is a core component of social skills.

Most of the time, you will hear about verbal assertiveness, but little is said about Assertiveness
& Body Language.

In fact, your body language plays a huge role in how assertive you can be.

If your body language doesn’t match your words, chances are you will not be taken seriously
or that your words will have a very small effect and fall on deaf ears.

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We often fail to realize the importance of body language in our communication skills.

What is meant by assertive body language is to have an overall confident outlook and avoid
signaling the opposite of the words you’re saying.

To do that, it is essential to avoid what is commonly referred to as negative or weak body

language.

Why?

Because a weak body language conveys a lack of confidence and doubts about your own
conviction.

In short: If you don’t show that you believe what you’re saying, nobody’s going to believe
what you’re saying.

Here are a few mistakes you should avoid committing:

1. A crooked overall outlook:

One of the important things in exuding a confident body language is taking space and being at
ease in your movement.

But, what people with poor social skills/shyness/poor self-esteem do, is close upon themselves
and take as little space as possible.

The following are four essential examples.

Hunched shoulders: a sign of low confidence

Bowing head: a sign of submission
Closed arms: a sign of unwillingness to be confrontational
Inconsistent Eye Contact: a sign of fear and low confidence (especially when you are the
one talking)
1. A timid/low tone of voice:
Just as much as your body positioning matters, the tone and volume of your voice do too.

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Along with the speed at which you talk.

Someone who’s poorly skilled will either talk too fast and too loud or too slow and too low.

Both are inaudible.

While the former is simply annoying; the latter lacks firmness.

Being assertive in your tone of voice comes with finding the right balance between both.

Not too loud, not too low.

Not too slow, not too fast.

1. Unwelcoming facial expressions:

This is as important as anything else.

For you to be properly assertive, you need to avoid unwelcoming facial expressions just as
much as you should avoid submissive body language.

What is meant by unwelcoming facial expressions is faces that express emotions like anger,
fear, or anxiety. (Refer to the part on Facial expressions for more details)

1. Repetitive Gestures:
If you notice, everyone has their own set of words that they often use.

Some will prefer some verbs or adjectives or expressions over others and will reuse them
often.

That’s what defines their way of speaking.

The same applies to body language.

If you are to improve your body language’s assertiveness, you should learn more gestures to
better express yourself and communicate your ideas.

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This will also allow using your gestures to match your words and avoid using inappropriate
ones.

Body Language:
Disclaimer: This part is mainly informative. This is the knowledge that you should keep in
mind and know. Some points might seem obvious but it’s necessary to define each one of them
to better grasp how body language impacts your social skills.

Facial Expressions:
Facial Expressions

Facial expressions can be a powerful tool for body language.

Most people tend to try and hide their emotions.

The fact is, no one can do it.

Facial expressions are involuntary.

That means that you can’t help it when you’re feeling something.

You can, however, pretend that you’re not.

It is also important to note that facial expressions can be very subtle.

This is why I recommend that you invest in a mirror and train your facial expressions.

The goal here is to become aware of the different messages that you can send with your face
and use them to your advantage.

Here are a few examples of messages you can send through your facial expressions:

1- Anger
One of the most prominent and visible expressions, anger is almost always easy to notice.

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Anger can be conveyed in different ways.

The most common way is through squinting and frowning.

Other ways are through clenched teeth or a furrowed brow.

Anger is usually accompanied by a certain type of body language.

This includes stance (shoulders squared, fists clenching) and gestures (pointing, poking).

All of these are meant to be intimidating.

2- Disgust
Disgust is usually conveyed through a wrinkled nose and a frown.

The mouth is often open and the tongue may be protruding.

It is important to note that disgust can be directed at a person, object or situation.

3- Fear
Fear is usually conveyed through wide eyes and an open mouth.

The eyebrows are often raised and the head may be tilted to the side.

The body may be tense and the hands may be raised in a defensive position.

4- Happiness
Happiness is usually conveyed through a smile.

The eyes may be closed and the head may be tilted back.

The hands may be raised in a gesture of triumph.

5- Sadness

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Sadness is usually conveyed through a furrowed brow and drooping eyelids.

The mouth may be downturned and the head may be lowered.

The body may be hunched over and the hands may be clasped in the lap.

Gestures:
Gestures are often used to emphasize or add meaning to spoken words.

They can also be used to communicate without speaking.

There are many different types of gestures, but here are a few of the most common:

1- Pointing

Pointing is often used to draw attention to something.

It can be used to emphasize a point or to make a request.

Pointing can also be used to direct someone’s attention to something.

2- Waving

Waving is often used as a greeting or to say goodbye.

It can also be used to get someone’s attention.

3- Clapping

Clapping is often used to show approval or to encourage someone.

4- Thumbs Up

The thumbs-up gesture is often used to show approval or to indicate that something is good.

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5- Thumbs Down

The thumbs-down gesture is often used to show disapproval or to indicate that something is
bad.

6- Handshakes

Handshakes are often used as a greeting or to show appreciation.

They can also be used to seal a deal or to show support.

7- Hugs

Hugs are often used as a greeting or to show affection.

They can also be used to show appreciation or to show sympathy.

8- Kisses

Kisses are often used as a greeting or to show affection.

They can also be used to show appreciation or to show sympathy.

9- High Fives

High fives are often used as a greeting or to show appreciation.

They can also be used to show support or to encourage someone.

10- Fist Bumps

Fist bumps are often used as a greeting or to show appreciation.

They can also be used to show support or to encourage someone

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Conversation Starters
The best way to start a conversation is to be honest, and the easiest way, to do so, is to say
what you are thinking.

For example, if you are thinking, "She's so beautiful, I wonder what she's like," say it.

Not, "Um, hi, so, um, what do you do?"

The latter is a question, but it's not an honest one. It's a way of trying to find something to say,
and it sounds and feels fake.

The best way to start a conversation is just to say something honest. It doesn't have to be big or
deep or profound. Just something that's true for you at the moment.

The second best way to start a conversation is to ask a question. But not just any question. A
question that is specific, interesting, and that shows that you are paying attention.

For example, if you are at a party and you overhear someone saying they just got back from
traveling, you could ask them where they went and what they did.

You could also ask a follow-up question, like, "What was the best part of your trip?"

The key with questions is to make sure they are specific and interesting, and that they show
that you are really listening to the person you are talking to.

Another great way to start a conversation is to make a statement that is interesting, or that
shows that you have something in common with the person you are talking to.

For example, if you are at a party and you see someone drinking a beer, you could say, "I love
beer too. What's your favorite?"

Or, if you are at a conference and you overhear someone say they are a writer, you could say,
"I'm a writer too. What do you write?"

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The key with statements is to make sure they are interesting, or that they show that you have
something in common with the person you are talking to.

Another great way to start a conversation is to ask for help. People love to help, and it gives
them a chance to feel useful and important.

For example, you could say, "I'm looking for the bathroom. Can you help me?"

Or, "Can you help me find my friend?"

The key to asking for help is to be specific and to make sure that you are actually asking for
help and not just trying to start a conversation.

One final way to start a conversation is to compliment the person you are talking to. But not
just any compliment. A genuine, specific, and sincere compliment.

For example, you could say, "I love your dress. Where did you get it?"

Or, "Your smile is really beautiful."

The key to compliments is to make sure they are genuine, specific, and sincere. If you just say,
"Nice shoes," it sounds fake and insincere. But if you say, "I love your shoes. They are really
unique," it sounds sincere and genuine.

The bottom line is that there are a lot of great ways to start a conversation. Just be honest, ask
interesting questions, make interesting statements, ask for help, or give a genuine compliment.
And have fun!

Be con dent around strangers:

Some people are naturally confident and feel comfortable around strangers, while others may
feel shy or uneasy. If you are not a naturally confident person, there are a few things you can
do to try to boost your confidence.

First, try to relax and be yourself.

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Secondly, try to focus on the positive aspects of yourself and your interactions with others.

Lastly, don't be afraid to ask questions or start conversations - this will show that you are
interested and confident.

Another option is to try to build up your confidence gradually by starting with small
interactions and working your way up to larger ones. For instance, you could start by making
eye contact and smiling at people you pass on the street, then progress to striking up
conversations with people you know slightly, such as acquaintances or co-workers. With time
and practice, you should start to feel more confident around strangers.

One way to be confident around strangers is act like you've known them for awhile. Be patient
in getting to know them and engage in conversation starters. Be confident in your own skin
and don't be afraid to be yourself. Find common grounds, be a good listener, and let your body
language do the talking.

Be yourself, and don't be afraid to let your personality shine through. Be polite and friendly,
but don't be afraid to be a little bit quirky or different. people will be drawn to your confidence
and will be more likely to want to get to know you. Remember that everyone is a stranger at
first, so just take it slow and enjoy getting to know new people.

The Social Skills Playbook