Gdala, Rutowicz, Drabik, Postek, Андрющенко, Rozwadowska, Jędrzejczak, Góźdź, Derentowicz

Dearest Friends

NO BELL, 24.06.2022
If you aren’t sure what to make of the last

30 or so minutes, please at the very least

For the first time in the illustrious history
take note of the following thought: 
 of No Bell’s German theatre neither our
cast nor our audience is homogeneously

DIESE LUFT


native-Polish. Therefore, bearing in mind
You don’t need a tennis racket in your bed how well-educated, open-minded,
progressive, multilingual and pretentious
to fall asleep at night. 

Konstancin-Jeziorna crowd can be, we’ve
decided to put together our play brochure
Not every night, anyway.
 in English.


 Please read it now or leaf through it

We sincerely hope you have enjoyed our during the play if German isn’t one of
your magic powers and/or if you would
show. actually like to know what on Earth is
happening.

Good night and good luck. We wish you a pleasant evening.

Tonight’s play comprises four major contest events organised
by the Goethe Institut Munich (a poem competition), the
Humboldt Stiftung in Hamburg (a song competition), the DAAD
(German Academic Exchange Service; a sports competition)
and Max-Planck Institut in Heidelberg (a general knowledge
competition). Each event is facilitated, refereed, judged and
scored by their two top front-office executives (played each
time by Ola Gdala and Alex Rutowicz), who fly over from
Germany on each occasion and, after spending the night at the
luxurious Borowina hotel, get down to the business of
assessing the performances of the talented No Bell contest
participants. So why exactly are they staging those
competitions? Well, it turns out their R&D budgets are so
flexible that they venture to such remote and exotic locations
as Konstancin Jeziorna, Poland, simply in order to share their
wealth and promote German language and culture abroad.
 And thus it is Oliwka who comes out on top with her stunning
Intro to contest 1
 handsomely. You shall not dare to disagree with Ola’s and
In the opening scene of the play a paper-plane (which we
anticipate to land on stage precisely at 6:07pm CET) brings a
glimmer of hope to the six protagonists (Oliwka Drabik, Łucja
Rozwadowska, Nikodem Góźdź, Алексе́й Андрющенко
Bartek Postek and Kajetan Jędrzejczak), who are all filled with
despair over their imaginary lack of progress in German. 
 Niko, however, are yet to lose their faith in Germans. They hope
Contest 1
 acknowledge their athletic prowess and send them to Germany
Once Ola and Alex enter, the poetry competition commences.
It is a fierce one. Oliwka strikes first with a touching tale of an
almighty elephant; Алексе́й is briefly convinced that
somebody else is in his room, Bartek in turn is happy to report
on a tailor who saves his wife Margaret with the sole help of
his scissors. Shortly after, that very tailor (Kajetan) explains to
us what becomes of the word “Donnerwetter“ (thunderstorm) if
the vowels decide to go on vacation. It is then Nikodem’s turn
and we are treated to a brief report of two ants travelling (and
sadly failing to reach) Hamburg. None of the above five
contestants can, however, match the intensity of Łucja’s
account of the actual difference between a whale and an eel
and it is she who escapes with a one-year full scholarship to
study at Goethe Institute München with (sadly just some of)
her house pets.
Intro to Contest 2
The defeated five, to their surprise, are now presented (through
yet another paper-plane, ETA 6:17pm) with a golden
opportunity to win their own scholarship, offered this time by
the prestigious Humboldt Foundation.
Contest 2
Nikodem’s mother bails him out yet again of/from
overstraining, while Kajetan’s, Bartek’s, and Алексе́й’s rap
interpretations of K.I.Z’s “Hurra die Welt geht unter“ leave (in
the eyes of the jurors, that is) certain room for improvement.
performance of the Beatles’ “Hilf!“, beating other contestants
Alex’s decision once you hear Oliwka perform.
Intro to Contest 3
The boys bemoan gender inequality that robbed them of any
significant gains in the first two competitions. Алексе́й and
that someone will eventually come to their senses,
on athletic scholarships.
 Alex is thrilled to cover their travel expenses in full (in cash!).
Contest 3
 according to Nikodem, is only going to benefit their academic
Sadly, there can only be one winner. Алексе́й impresses with
his composure with the volleyball, Bartek cannot miss
whenever he sees a basket and Nikodem is a wizard with a
tennis racket. Since Kajtek’s father makes an inconvenient
excuse for him and he himself is happy to forfeit, the judges
have only three top-shelf athletes to choose from. They pick
Алексе́й, who eventually agrees to travel to Würzburg without
the mysterious poster character of Vitalina Ryabova, whom he
swears he has no affiliation with. Ola is not 100% convinced,
but together with Alex, they double down on their decision to
send Алексе́й flying.
Intro to Contest 4
Following Алексе́й’s win, the remaining three boys, all Polish
citizens with clean criminal records, are now furious not only at
gender-, but also at national/citizenship inequalities. They
know that if they are to be truly successful in life, they will have
to rely solely on the power of their brains. Luckily for them, the
third paper plane lands on stage to give them one final shot at
German money.
Contest 4

Ola and Alex of the Max-Planck Institute for Astronomy in
Heidelberg are in town and they have a handful of extremely
tricky questions for the remaining three contestants in order to
determine who is going to study at one of Europe’s most
prestigious scientific destinations. This time it is Kajtek who
wins the prize and he has nothing but his profound knowledge
of German grammar to thank for it.
The final twist comes with Ola’s realisation that she and Alex
(or the Max-Planck Institute in fact) have too much money to
spend on bringing Poles up to speed with German. Or rather
with German and Astronomy. They therefore decide to give
Bartek and Niko one final chance and the two are not going to
let it slip away from them this time.
The two will, however, be forced to share a dorm room, which
progression.
This, of course, remains to be seen.
~~~