ASSERTIVENESS

OBJECTIVE:

Apply assertiveness effectively in the business environment.

AIMS:

 To determine own level of assertiveness correctly

 To apply assertiveness effectively
 To evaluate the influence of change

CONTENT:

 Assertiveness as behaviour : questionnaire

 Art of assertiveness
 Styles of communication
 Influence of change

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ASSERTIVENESS AS BEHAVIOUR

 Attention to human rights in the recent past has emphasized assertiveness, or

assertion, in people’s relations. While there are many definitions of assertiveness,
most are based on the simple principle of taking control of your personal rights.

 Self-help books on assertiveness seems to stress the advantages of acting in an

assertive way, with improved personal outcomes at least some of the time. Most
writers admit that you will not always win or get your way using assertion. However,
they do predict that you will feel better about yourself from having made an effort to
stand up for your rights.

 In spite of the recent concentration on assertiveness behaviours among women and

minorities, it is clear that most people can benefit from a new look at their behaviours
when they went to “declare themselves” without whining or pouting or apologizing
and also without clobbering or blasting others. A familiar suggested “checkpoint” is
to evaluate the ultimate effectiveness of assertive behaviour by asking yourself: “Did
that behaviour increase my self-respect, even a little?”

 Assertiveness can be effective for everyone and there are common occurrences which
can happen to everyone:

 Responding to compliments can be one of the difficult encounters people have.

From our earliest years we are told not to boast and act better than anybody else,
to be modest and always give others credit. When we do not want to appear
arrogant we may respond to compliments with denial or with disclaimers.

 Watching out for others’ feelings can be problematic. No question, that

deliberately hurting someone else is not acceptable. There are times, however,
when issues come up on which you have strong feelings. How far should you go
in denying your own beliefs; how much should you suppress of your own
options?

 Helping until it hurts, means to help everybody else even if it imposes on your
own time and resources.

 Tolerating the little annoyances is the price you pay for being around other
people. How do you tell someone who finishes your sentence for you that it is

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 annoying? How do you let a waiter know there is something wrong with the food
or service?

 Assertiveness has consequences you may or may not like. Life for an assertive person
does not always run smoothly. You must be conscious of the potentially negative
perception of your assertiveness by others. Even moderate firmness can appear
aggressive or abrasive to people who are used to pushing others around.

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ASSERTIVENESS QUESTIONNAIRE

Rate yourself as honestly as possible, using the following scale to describe your actions:

0 = Unlike me
1 = A little like me
2 = Rather like me
3 = Very like me

1 Do you feel that you are often manipulated by others?

2 Are there situations in life which recur where you really would like to speak your mind?

3 Do you criticise and find fault with others openly?

Do you normally get bad food or service in a restaurant corrected without fuss? (get faulty
4
goods replaced without fuss?)

5 Do you have difficulty expressing your (real) feelings to others?

Do you regard yourself as someone who does not “suffer fools gladly”? (will not tolerate/bear
6
with fools)

7 Do you find you can count on people you know to collaborate with you?

8 Do you believe in “anything for a quiet life”?

9 Do you often get into arguments with others which are not resolved?

10 Do you ask for money owing from people calmly?

Do you find it difficult to stand up to seniors, supervisors, authorities when you disagree with
11
them?

12 Do you keep your temper when other people attack you?

13 Do you normally try very hard to get your solutions to other people’s problems accepted?

14 Do you regularly try and get “one up” on people?

Do you often find yourself “landed” or “lumbered” with “voluntary” tasks that you do not
15
really want to do? (i.e. they are not specifically anybody’s duty)

Do you try and see the other person’s point of view in arguments and discussions – do you
16
acknowledge their point of view?

17 Do you tend to keep others waiting for you without any apology or reason?

Do you avoid confronting people because you have to work with them tomorrow or you do not
18
want to upset or anger them?

19 Do you try and help others to work out their problems rather than imposing your solution?

20 Are there many situations which you “suffer in silence” to which you have resigned yourself?

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 21 Do you correct people who queue jump in front of you in an even voice?

22 Do you believe that “attack is the best form of defence”?

23 Do you prefer to give subtle hints to people about your wishes?

Do you find you can resolve most problems that other people cause you without damaging your
24
relationships? Is the relationship better?

Do you often seem to change your mind to go along with the majority of the powerful group
25
when really you do not altogether agree with them?

26 If attacked (verbally) do you resort to attacking the other person?

Do you normally deal with your concerns and those of others rather than ignoring them or
27
diverting them?

28 Do you find it difficult to cope with aggressive verbal behaviour?

29 Do you try and resolve differences with people by bringing them into the open?

30 If attacked (verbally) do you resort to making excuses?

31 Do you easily lose your temper?

32 Do you tell people who annoy you to shut up?

Do you feel that if you are reasonable with people you will probably end up giving something
33
away?

34 Can you express your feelings openly and honestly to people?

35 Do you like to speak your mind openly, even if it may give offence to others?

Do you mix (and get accepted) equally easily with superiors, peers and subordinates – at work
36
and socially?

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ASSERTIVENESS : SCORING

Transfer scores of questions to relevant columns.

AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE NON-ASSERTIVE

3 4 1
6 7 2
9 10 5
13 12 8
14 16 11
17 19 15
22 21 18
26 24 20
31 27 23
32 29 25
33 34 28
35 36 30

TOTAL

36

27

18

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ASSERTION

 Stand up for your own rights in a way that does not violate rights of others or threaten
them.

 Take into account the feelings and beliefs of others as part of your interaction with
them.

 Express your own feelings and beliefs in an open, direct, honest and appropriate way.

 It is never should you speak up, but how and when!

GOAL : TO COMMUNICATE

Message : I win : you win

I am OK : you are OK

Rational beliefs

 I have the right to say: “I want ….”.

 I have certain rights as a person/parent/employee.

Long-term outcome

 Assertiveness often brings you what you want.

 Gaining respect of others.
 Identify for yourself the things in your life that you are proud of.

NON-ASSERTION

 Neglect your own rights, fail to stand up for yourself, give others permission or
encouragement to disregard your rights.

 Appologize or otherwise put down your own ideas, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, or
information.

 Avoid expressing your own feelings or needs in situations where you would like to be
heard or included.

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 Non-assertiveness is not politeness!

GOAL : TO PLEASE OR APPEASE OTHERS

Message : You win : I Lose

You are OK : I am not OK

Irrational beliefs

 By pleasing people, I will win their respect and approval.

 I will survive only if I have approval of others.

Long-term outcome

 Invariably anger builds up!

AGGRESSION

 Stand up for your rights in such a strong way you violate the rights of others.

 Ignore and dismiss the beliefs, needs, opinions, feelings, desires, emotions, attitudes,
data, information, or involvement of others.

 Express or demand attention to your opinions, needs or feelings in an inappropriate

way.

 Aggression is naming, blaming and shaming.

GOAL : DOMINATION / WINNING

Message : You lose : I win

You are not OK : I am OK

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 Irrational beliefs

 I can survive only if I am invulnerable and able to control people.

 Aggression guarantees victory.

 Anger leads to aggression.

Long-term outcome

 Loneliness, feels guilty.

 Aggression is only warranted in life threatening situations!

ART OF ASSERTIVENESS

 There are some ways that assertiveness improves your behaviours. It makes it easier
for you to give and receive compliments. You get your rights respected just as fully as
you respect the rights of others. You can avoid being victimized by others who may
demand unreasonable help. You can cope with small aggravations and prevent their
becoming major confrontations. You can be a thoughtfully independent person in
charge of your own feelings, time and resources. You can develop a new respect for
yourself as a person, a new confidence in what you are capable of, and higher regard
from others.

 Responding to complements:

It would be more assertive to be able to give a simple, direct compliment which

comments specifically on another’s behaviour or possessions: “Your shirt is
beautiful. I like that colour”. Respond to a compliment by saying “thank you” in a
modest way.

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  Watching out for others’ feelings:

At some time you will have to assert your right to have an opinion and to express
it. You cannot run your life in fear of occasionally hurting someone. You also
have to be aware that some people have been known to use “hurt” to manipulate
others, or may be unreasonably sensitive.

 Helping until it hurts:

You have a right to refuse the requests of other people and you also have a right
not to accede to others’ demands when they impose on you. You have a right not
to suffer in silence when you are being abused.

 Tolerating the little annoyances:

You have every right not have to tolerate actions or events which make you angry
enough. It is up to you to decide when the value of asserting yourself is worth the
possibility of relieving the annoyance. If you accuse a waiter of incompetence, it
will not be as effective as telling him specifically what bothered you, from your
viewpoint: “We waited too long for a menu and had to ask several times for a
glass of water…”

STYLES OF COMMUNICATION

 The blaming or aggressive style

 Blamers are fault- finders and come on rather critically with others. They often act
in a superior fashion and are often described as very bossy people. Carried to
extremes, blamers become tyraunical and loud and get their way at the expense of
other people’s rights and feelings. Blamers send messages which imply that
everybody else is stupid for not believing as they do and that other people’s wants
and feelings simply do not count. The major goal for blamers in interpersonal
relationships is to win and dominate, forcing the other person to lose. Winning is
often ensured by humiliating, degrading and overpowering other people so that
they are too weak to express and defend their rights. A blaming boss who holds
power over you may be feared and may scare you into doing what he or she
wants.

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  In the long run, however, the consequences of the blaming style can be quite
negative. Blamers usually fail to establish close relationships and they feel that
they have to be constantly on guard against other people’s attacks and possible
retaliation. Blamers are usually lonely people.

 There are times when legitimate criticism and evaluation must be offered, when
orders and directions must be given. However, criticism and evaluation are
usually much more effective when they are given in a leveling or assertive style.

 The placating or nonassertive style

 Placaters always try to please and often attempt to ingratiate themselves. They
often apologize, seldom disagree and talk as though they could do almost nothing
for and by themselves. They ignore their own rights, needs and feelings and they
are unable to express what they want in a direct manner. Placaters show so little
respect for themselves that they teach others not to respect them. The basic goals
of the placater are to avoid conflict at all costs and to appease. Non-assertive
superiors, for example, have great difficulty saying “no” to their employees’
requests and end up trying to please everyone, which in the long run pleases no
one.

 The computing or intellectual style

 This style requires an outward appearance of being calm, cool and collected.
Feelings are not allowed to show. A person using this style believes that emotions
are best kept hidden inside, since they basically distract from the work at hand.
People relying on this style are very distrustful of feelings and personal emotions,
and no one can really get too close to them.

 The distracting or manipulative style

 This style is based on not being involved with interpersonal situations. People
using this style have developed all kinds of strategies to manipulate unpleasant
communication encounters. When encounters cannot be avoided, their style for
dealing with people is characterized by distracting maneuvers, or by manipulating
other people’s feelings. Anger, hurt and guilt are often used as ways to get to
others. A boss may get employees to work overtime by appealing to their
potential guilt feelings by using verbal ploys like: “How could you let me down
after all I have done for you?”

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 The leveling or assertive style

 Levelers are able to stand up for their rights and express feelings, thoughts and
needs in a direct, honest, straightforward manner. Tone of voice, gestures, eye
contact and stance all fit the words that are spoken. Actions also match words and
assertive people follow through on what they say they will do.

 If you are being assertive, you never stand up for your rights at the expence of
another person’s rights. You have respect for yourself, but also respect for others
and you are open to compromise or negotiation. The basic message of leveling is:
“This is what I think about the situation” and does not imply domination or
humiliation of the other people who may not happen to think or see things the
same way. Leveling involves respect, not blind defence. The goal of leveling is
better communication and mutual problem solving.

 Although leveling and communicating assertively do not guarantee that you will
get your way, this style can have positive consequences. It usually increases your
self-respect and helps you to develop greater self-confidence. You will feel good
about being able to say what you believe without fear.

INFLUENCE OF CHANGE

The process of Change: What Happens

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 ENDINGS TRANSITION NEW BEGINNINGS

 Aloneness, disoriented, confused,  New life springs up, emerging sense of

 Anger, pain, grief, despair withdrawal
distress, frustrated, uncertain belonging, excitement and commitment

Loss of:

relationships,  “do not know what I am feeling”  new energies, new personal identity
 Meaning, identity,
control, turf

 Feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy,

 Idealize the way things used to be  Teamwork forms
deny reality

 Blocked from seeing possible  Feels strange, awkward, “emptiness  Letting go of past behaviours and
alternatives time of nothing” attitudes which do not fit new realities

 Intellectualize the need for change but

emotionally is unable/unwilling to let  Reluctance/apprehensions  Learning new skills
go

 Roles and responsibilities get refined

 Many false starts, cautious
and clarified

 Receptivity, begins to look at

alternatives

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PERSONAL GUIDELINES

HANDLING TRANSITIONS AND CHANGE:

The following are guidelines and suggestions for ways you can personally manage the three phases
of change.

ENDINGS:

 Talk to a trusted colleague about the losses you feel and the difficulties of “letting go” of the
way things used to be.

 Sit down and think through the major aspects of the change.

 Sort out what is important and what is no longer “value added work” as it relates to your own
job.

 Make space in your life to grieve the loss without judging yourself.

 Make a short list for yourself of the “new realities” and test the reality of your list with someone
who knows your job.

TRANSITIONS:

 Express your feelings about the change and how it is affecting you. Be constructive.

 Spend time learning more about the change and the outcomes expected by talking to others in
the organisations about their vision.

 Think through with a trusted colleague how your interest and skills fit in with where the
organisation is going and ways you want to contribute/support the change.

 Present your ideas for ways you can extend yourself and expand your skills in support of change.

 Work together with others to map out a new set of expectations and a personal development plan
to position yourself for the future.

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NEW BEGINNINGS:

 Express an interest to be involved in planning the change.

 Join with others in becoming visible as an advocate for the change.

 Work along side with others to prepare for yourself a step by step plan for phasing in the change
and the part you will play.

 Talk about your excitement for the change to others and the positive examples you are seeing as
the change begins to take hold.

 Work to obtain some quick successes under the “new way of doing things”. Help to convince the
doubters.

SOURCES

Myers, G E and Myers, M T. The Dynamics Of Human Communication (6 th ed.) McGraw-Hill, Inc.,
Singapore, 1992.

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