[Three actors walk onto the stage (holding a script each) where

three blocks are set. Two of the actors are standing

((ACTOR TWO & ACTOR THREE)) and one is sitting on a box more on
the side. The set lights are a light spring color.]

ACTOR ONE. “Wanda And June Feed An Octopus” By Winston Timson.

[they turn a page of their script.]

ACTOR ONE. It is a clear sunny day and our two main characters
Wanda and June sit on a bench, looking into a small fish pond
that also has ducks.

[ACTOR TWO and ACTOR THREE then proceed to sit down on the two
boxes right behind them]

ACTOR THREE. Isn't it such a clear and sunny day, Wanda?

ACTOR TWO. Oh it is, June. Don’t you think these fish look quite
handsome as well?

ACTOR THREE. Yes, they indeed do look handsome.

ACTOR ONE. Wanda proceeds to grab a small paper bag and then
stands up to feed the ducks in the pond.

[There is a small delay before ACTOR TWO quickly grabs a small

paper bag from the side of the box and stands]

ACTOR TWO. Come here duckies, let me give you bread.

ACTOR THREE. [with a look of absolute disgust] You shouldn’t be

feeding ducks bread, they’re allergic to gluten.

ACTOR ONE. She continues to feed the ducks. The ducks look back
and forth between Wanda and June and begin to quack really
loudly, almost as if they were choking.

ACTOR THREE. What did I tell you about feeding the ducks?!?!
ACTOR TWO. The quacking just means the ducks really like the
bread.

ACTOR THREE. It really doesn't, you idiot. I’m pretty sure

they’re choking because of you and your nonsense.

ACTOR TWO. I don’t really appreciate your attitude, June.

ACTOR THREE. Well I don't appreciate yours either, Wanda.

ACTOR ONE. As the ducks continue to choke the pair of people

continue going back and forth really getting nowhere in this
argument.

[ACTOR ONE flips a page and pauses, suddenly standing up and

starting to wave their hands around.]

ACTOR ONE. Wait wait wait wait. This play makes absolutely no
sense. [quickly flips through their “script”] The next couple
pages are just Wanda and June arguing! [flips a few more pages
through and freezes with a look of absolute shock] It just ends
[pause] with no conclusion or anything.

ACTOR THREE. It does? I haven’t had the chance to look through

the entire thing.

ACTOR TWO. [looks through the rest of the script] Oh you’re

right. It does just kinda [beat] end.

ACTOR ONE. What type of director gives their actors an

unfinished play? A bad unfinished one too.

ACTOR THREE. The type who doesn’t show up to their own rehearsal
on time.

ACTOR TWO. They have a point. We spent over fifteen minutes

sitting and waiting for the director to just not show up.

ACTOR ONE. This is so stupid, so so so stupid. I wanted this to

give me more experience, now all of this has been for nothing.
ACTOR THREE. I mean, why don’t we finish the play ourselves? Or
maybe come up with our own play? [yawns again] Anywho, I’m
probably not the smartest one in here, you probably shouldn’t
listen to me.

ACTOR TWO. They aren’t wrong.

ACTOR ONE. [looking at ACTOR TWO] They really aren’t. [looks at

ACTOR TWO and ACTOR THREE thinking] We should come with our own
play to perform!

ACTOR TWO. Plays take a while to write, right? If we were to do

that it would take ages.

ACTOR ONE. Not unless we do some organized improv. [grins]

ACTORS THREE. That's so much more work. Why would we do that

when we have a perfectly fine play in our hands?

ACTOR ONE. [turns their head to look directly at ACTOR THREE]

Quit with your whining, we’re doing this whether you like it or
not.

[ACTOR THREE sighs and sits back down]

ACTOR TWO. If we are doing this, it needs to be done quickly, so

let's get a common genre people would like.

ACTOR THREE. [perks up with a sudden spike of energy] Romance!

You can't go wrong with romance.

ACTOR ONE. Great, we have a genre, but what now?

ACTOR TWO. We ALL [primarily directed at ACTOR THREE who is

sitting] stand up and attempt to make a play.

ACTOR THREE. [stands up] Ya know, I was already going to stand

up without you telling me.

ACTOR TWO. Sure, keep telling yourself that.

ACTOR THREE. I’m trying so hard not to punch you in the nose
right now, it’s quite hard.

[that builds a bit of tension between ACTOR TWO and ACTOR THREE,
causing ACTOR ONE to have to step in between things escalate]

ACTOR ONE. [stepping between the two other actors] Please do not
punch anyone, we have work to do.

ACTOR TWO. Right, right, sorry. Now, can we get this over with
please?

ACTOR THREE. [says under their breath] and can I leave?

ACTOR ONE. [points enthusiastically to ACTOR TWO] Yes! [looks at

ACTOR THREE] no!

[ACTOR ONE begins to pace around]

ACTOR ONE. [talking/thinking to themself] What to do? What to

do? Hmmmmmmm.

[they have a brain spark moment]

ACTOR ONE. A recently divorced couple [pause] who go through the

ups and downs of their marriage [pause] moments before the world
ends.

ACTOR THREE. To be honest, that’s not half bad.

ACTOR TWO. You’re onto something.

ACTOR ONE. I want you two to sit and look like you’re an unhappy
divorced couple.

[ACTOR THREE and ACTOR TWO sit down confused and do what was
said]

ACTOR ONE. Perfect! Now let’s attempt to make a play. [they snap
their fingers and [they snap their fingers and a spotlight
appears]
ACTOR ONE. [speaking to the audience, in a British type
documentary voice] We interrupt your regular broadcast of “Days
Of Our Lives” with this important announcement. [pause] Our
sources tell us the world will be ending in 10 minutes due to a
shower of comets headed straight for us. And with that I must
wish you goodbye.

[The other two look at ACTOR ONE very confused]

ACTOR THREE. What are you doing?

[ACTOR ONE snaps their fingers and the lights go back to normal]

ACTOR ONE. What do you think I'm doing? I’m announcing the world
is ending. That’s how most “the world is ending” type stuff
start. [snaps fingers and the lights are now a very vague light
red/orange]

[ACTOR TWO and ACTOR THREE sit with blank faces]

ACTOR ONE. [in a whisper;] You’re supposed to be talking.

ACTOR TWO. I-Okay

ACTOR TWO. [Now in character looking at ACTOR THREE:] Soooo, the

world is ending. How do you feel?

ACTOR THREE. [still quite confused about what is going on]

Uhhhh. I’m not sure? Just got divorced, which means I'm going to
die single.

ACTOR TWO. Well, people divorce for a reason. It was for the
best I think, and at least we’ll still be side by side when we
die.

ACTOR THREE. I guess?

[The very well written conversation gets interrupted by ACTOR

ONE explaining what happens next]
ACTOR ONE. You two now need to start getting into a more
depressing mood. Go! [backs aways]

ACTOR TWO. Those three years of marriage were the best and worst
parts of our lives. And now, we’re going to die in mere minutes.

ACTOR THREE. Remember that dinner with the Warrens? It was

hordenous.

ACTOR TWO. You’re not wrong.

ACTOR THREE. I know I’m not. I never am.

ACTOR TWO. Don’t make me angry with you, I don’t want to die as
an angry person.

ACTOR TWO. Can we just spend the last few minutes of earth not
fighting and just remembering what brought us here?

[In the most random, out of place, turn of events ACTOR THREE
gets very very “emotional” with their acting.]

ACTOR THREE. I’m sorry, okay? All those things I've said and
done were all mistakes. I didn't mean any of it.

ACTOR ONE. [approaches once again] Soon enough the couple gets
closer emotionally AND physically, maybe the end of the world is
making them realize how much they haven’t done.

[Both ACTOR TWO and ACTOR THREE look at ACTOR ONE with a ‘what
are you doing?” type face, but then go back to the play]

ACTOR TWO. I’m also sorry……

ACTOR THREE. [interrupting:] For what? You didn’t do anything.

ACTOR TWO. Maybe you think that, but you don’t know what I've
done. You haven’t seen the mistakes I've made. You especially
haven’t felt the emotions I’VE felt.
ACTOR THREE. ……oh [pauses with a blank face not knowing how to
respond] ……okaayy.

[A snap is heard from ACTOR ONE and the lights are now normal.
ACTOR ONE approaches…again]

ACTOR ONE. [sarcastic] Oh my goodness. That was really well done

guys, goodjob.

ACTOR THREE. [stands up excitedly] Are we done now?! Can we go?!

ACTOR ONE. Great question.

[Pause]

ACTOR THREE. Is that a yes or a no?

ACTOR ONE. No!

ACTOR THREE. No to the yes or yes to the no?

ACTOR ONE. Yes!

ACTOR THREE. Ya know what? I’m just gonna assume I'm still stuck
here doing this.

ACTOR ONE. You would be right to think that.

[ACTOR THREE proceeds to sit back down frustrated]

ACTOR ONE. Let’s get back to the play, shall we?

ACTOR ONE. In this next part, the couple will realize their time
is running out and start to overlap each other more quickly, one
shared memory after the other. Go!

[they snap their fingers again, the lights change, and they back
away]
ACTOR THREE. [Pretending to look out a window] Looks pretty
fiery outside. I assume we don’t have long left, so let’s make
the most of that remaining time.

ACTOR TWO. That would be good. [pause] I’m going to miss those
weekly dinners with friends.

ACTOR THREE. Those dates at the orchestra were pretty fun.

ACTOR TWO. All those picnics in the park, and feeding the ducks
bread even though they're allergic to gluten.

ACTOR THREE. The spur of the moment road trips we’d take.

ACTOR TWO. Ice skating.

ACTOR THREE. Movies.

ACTOR TWO. I’ll miss it all, and to be very honest I’ll miss
you.

ACTOR THREE. I just now realized, we were quite happily married.

Why did we divorce?

ACTOR TWO. My god. I don’t know. [sigh]

ACTOR TWO. But, it’s too late to go back now.

[ACOR ONE slowly walks down stage towards the other actors]

ACTOR ONE. [speaking to the audience ((in the voice from

earlier)):] It is now minutes till the catastrophic event fully
destroys earth. Our main characters sit side by side, hand in
hand as they share one final moment. Goodnight everyone. [walks
back a bit]

[Both of the other actors scramble and hold hands and then gets
a little closer]

ACTOR THREE. Got any last words you wanna say?

ACTOR TWO. Yes actually. [does an aggressive cough to clear
their throat]

ACTOR TWO. Let me begin by saying, I love you. That divorce was
my decision, it was in the spur of the moment. I never wanted to
get a divorce with you and I wish we could die a happy married
couple instead of two sad singles who just got divorced. Just
what I'm trying to say is, I'm gonna miss this……miss us.

[ACTOR THREE shares a small smile with ACTOR TWO]

[As soon as ACTOR THREE tries to speak, someone walks onto the
stage with a coffee cup and a script]

DIRECTOR. [yawns] Heyyy guys, why are the lights red? And are
you rehearsing without me? I’m literally the director.

[All the actors look at DIRECTOR in absolute shock]

DIRECTOR. Hello?! Can you hear me?

ACTOR THREE. We can hear you alright.

DIRECTOR. Good. Now one of you explain what the hell is going
on! [snaps angrily and the lights go back to normal]

ACTOR ONE. Well long story short, the play you gave us was
absolutely horrendous and not even finished so we decided to
make our own play. Oh, and you were late.

DIRECTOR. That cannot be right because we agreed 1pm [checks

watch] and it’s exactly one now!

ACTOR THREE. You told us 12:30.

DIRECTOR. Well, maybe I ran behind, that's not my fault. And I

swear I gave you all a finished play. [Pause, looks at their
script] You got “Timeless Shoes” by Tina Wimton, right?

ACTOR ONE/ACTOR TWO/ACTOR THREE.(said each in their own way) No.

ACTOR TWO. We all got “Wanda And June Feed An Octopus” by
Winston Timson.

DIRECTOR. My mistake, I apologize. That was the wrong play,

that’s one I'm actually writing currently [winks at audience for
shameless self promotion, then looks back at the actors]. It’s a
work in progress.

[The actors all stand up angrily, one on each side of DIRECTOR]

ACTOR THREE. Are you kidding me right now? This whole damn time
we could've been rehearsing our actual play instead of wasting
precious time on a useless piece of garbage!

ACTOR ONE. You are the worst director ever; gave us the wrong
play, didn’t even bother to show up upon time, and then
immediately jumps to conclusions and gets mad at us.

ACTOR TWO. Let me be very honest with you. You shouldn't write
again and you definitely shouldn't be a director.

ACTOR ONE. I second that.

ACTOR THREE. So do I.

DIRECTOR. [Slightly panicky] People, people, you don’t need to

get mad at me, it was a simple mistake. I didn't mean to give
you that play.

ACTOR ONE. Oh shut up.

ACTOR THREE. I didn’t even want to be here in the first place.

I’m out of here. [storms out]

ACTOR TWO. Me too. [storms out]

ACTOR ONE. [begins to exit but then turns to DIRECTOR] Let’s all
hope you learn to direct better, or just be better overall.
[exits]

[DIRECTOR stands alone on stage and looks around]

DIRECTOR. C’mon, jokes over. You can come back now. Ha ha so
funny.

[They continue to look around as the lights fade to black]

THE END.