The Telegraph Magazine - 11 February 2023

11 FEBRUARY 2023
their way
yet... if the
There’s life
in the old dog
scientists have
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The Telegr aph M aga zine
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11.02 2023
REGULARS FEATURE S
M Y S AT U R D AY Dispatches from the
A day in the life of a cutting edge of canine
news-aholic Lycra lout longevity
JON SOPEL HANNAH BET TS
P. 5 P. 6
AGON Y UNCLE Uyghurs’ gruelling

Solving your problems journeys to escape
RICHARD MADELEY persecution in China
P. 6 5 S O P H I A YA N
P. 1 4
T H E WAY W E
LIVE NOW One woman’s
The empire of light bulbs entanglement with a
C H R I S T O P H E R H OW S E charming psychopath
& G U Y K E L LY ANONYMOUS
P. 7 4 P. 2 0
ST YLE FO OD
How to wear Valentine’s- A ‘grand’ vegetarian
COVER: JO SAX. THIS PAGE: EVERY OTHER DANCE, © POLLY MORGAN, COURTESY OF THE ARTIST
ready pinks and reds feast for friends

TA M A R A A B R A H A M D I A N A H E N RY
P. 5 5 P. 3 5
A foolproof date-night Vive la France: revisit the

fashion formula country’s classic dishes
L I S A A R M S T RO N G MARK HIX
P. 5 8 SCULP TED FROM NATURE P. 4 3
Artist Polly Morgan’s enthralling, unexpected

Note to self-care: the Why Valentine’s Day is
power of rituals
take on taxidermy the perfect time to stay in
JESSAMY CALKIN
JA N M A S T E R S ED CUMMING
P. 6 1 P. 2 6 P. 4 9
H E A D O F M AGA Z I N E A DV E RT I S I N G, C L A I R E J U O N : claire. juon @mailme trome dia.co.uk. I N T E R N AT I O N A L AC C O U N T S A L E S M A N AG E R , JA S O N H A R R I S O N : jas on.harri s on @mailme trome dia.co.uk
© T E L E G R A P H M A G A Z I N E 2 0 2 3 . P U B L I S H E D B Y T E L E G R A P H M E D I A G R O U P L I M I T E D, 1 1 1 B U C K I N G H A M P A L A C E R O A D, L O N D O N S W 1 W 0 D T ( 0 2 0 - 7 9 3 1 2 0 0 0 ) A N D P R I N T E D B Y WA L S T E A D.
C O L O U R R E P R O D U C T I O N : T E L E G R A P H P R O D U C T I O N. N O T T O B E S O L D S E P A R AT E L Y F R O M T H E D A I L Y T E L E G R A P H . W H I L E E V E R Y R E A S O N A B L E C A R E W I L L B E T A K E N, N E I T H E R T H E D A I L Y
T E L E G R A P H N O R I T S A G E N T S A C C E P T S L I A B I L I T Y F O R L O S S O R D A M A G E T O C O L O U R T R A N S P A R E N C I E S O R A N Y O T H E R M AT E R I A L S U B M I T T E D T O T H E M A G A Z I N E
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3 The Telegr aph Maga zine 3

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Jon Sopel

My Saturday
I’ll get myself a smoked before the game, and

s a l m o n a n d c re a m put the world to rights.
cheese bagel.
7.30pm We FaceTime
10am If I said I try to have ‘the Down Unders’, as
a social media-free zone, my wife we call them: our son Max lives
would say ‘you bloody liar’! There in Australia and is married, and
are times when I try to switch off we’ve got a baby grandson and
but I’m a news-aholic. A year ago a granddaughter. It’s 6.30am on
it looked like I was going to be Sunday morning in Sydney
taking a new job at the BBC as when we call. Obviously it was
the political editor. And then this incredibly painful not to be able
offer came along to set up a pod- to visit during Covid but in the
cast with Emily Maitlis, The News past year crazily we went to Aus-
Agents [available @Globalplayer, tralia three times. Our daughter
The journalist and podcast globalplayer.com and other plat- Anna lives in London.
host, 63, on life in Lycra, forms]. It’s up to us what we say,
spurring on Spurs and who we interview and we’ve got 8pm Evenings can be anything from
drinking good wine to appeal to a diverse audience. the theatre to cinema, seeing
friends, occasionally getting out
7.30am I make a cup of tea, then 11am Rather tragically, I have of the smoke. I do love it when I’ve
there will be a short debate become a Lycra lout and will been shouting coarse
with my wife [Linda] about often be found hurtling around abuse at the ref-
WORDS: MARGARET HUSSEY. RII SCHROER, TWITTER/@JONSOPEL, JAN OTTO, GETTY IMAGES
which of us is going to walk Regent’s Park or other parts of eree in the after-
Alfie, our Miniature German London on my bicycle. During noon and then in
Schnauzer. Alfie and I will go to Covid I was in Washington by the evening I’m at
Regent’s Park and Primrose myself in an apartment and some poncey play,
Hill [near their home in north bought a road bike. trying to be all sophisticated. My
London]. He’s a very well- new year’s resolution is to drink
travelled dog because I 2.30pm I’m a season- less during the week but drink
was living in the US for ticket holder at Spurs. That better at the weekend. Life is too
eight years [as the BBC’s was one of my treats to short for cheap wine.
North America editor]. myself when I got back
from America. I sit with 12am There has to be a good reason
8.30am There’s a really lovely a mate of mine, Paul. to be on the naughty side of mid-
farmer’s market in Primrose We meet for a pie and night for going to bed. It’s either
Hill. If I’m being naughty, a pint in the ground if friends are round or I’m out.
1 1 F E B R U A R Y 2 02 3 THE TELEGR APH MAGA ZINE 5
Words by Photographs by
HANNAH BET TS JO SA X
Your pet under

the microscope

With dogs ageing seven times faster than us, it’s inevitable that we will suffer the
pain of losing our most faithful friends. However, scientific research into canine
longevity hopes to extend lives – and may dial back the clock for humans, too

Four-year-old blue whippet, Pimlico

With Britain’s post-pandemic dog popula-
tion having increased by at least 10 per cent to
more than 11 million, I may be at the extreme
end of cynophilia, but I doubt I’m alone.
Canine life expectancy varies by breed:
according to The Journal of Small Animal
Practice, Cardigan Welsh corgis boast the
longest odds, with us for 16-and-a-half years
on average. Meanwhile, poor Neopolitan mas-
tiffs have the shortest, with an average life
expectancy of merely 2.33 years. Still, science
is beginning to provide help with the issue of
dog longevity for all of us whose hopes and
fears are contained in four-legged form. Just
as there are pioneers attempting to expand
humans’ allotted years via an assortment of
bio-hacks, so scientists are turning their atten-
tion to increasing canine lifespan.
There is Vaika, a charitable research organ-
isation looking at ways to increase longevity
through a study of retired sled dogs, named
after a husky. It was founded by Dr Andrei
Gudkov, a professor of oncology at Roswell
Park Comprehensive Cancer Center in Buffalo,
New York. His team focuses on DNA damage in
dogs between eight and 11 years old, monitored
got back from my first with toddlers and she thus knows no fear. Cue
term at Oxford and asked her delight in being chased by froth-mouthed
where my childhood bull rottweilers and flying over farm walls to land
terrier was. ‘He’s in the on enraged bulls. Whippets injure easily and
garden,’ said my family, south London’s chicken shops present a con-
collapsing with collective stant choking challenge. I’ve taken a dog
mirth. I looked: he wasn’t. first aid course – something I am yet to do for
As you’ve doubtless real- humans – swotting up on cardiopulmonary
ised, he was in the garden – only six feet under. resuscitation, sight-hound Heimlich manoeu-
They’d been distraught about this at the time, vre, bleeding, bandaging, poisoning, fitting,
deciding not to inform me so it didn’t ruin my burns, broken bones, bites, stings, allergies,
college introduction. Only now they were over anaphylactic shock, head and spinal injuries,
it, and found the whole thing darkly hilarious. drowning and road accidents.
It was tough love in my family. But I still Meanwhile, Pim, my partner Terence and
dream about Pooh Bang Betts, my first four- I are in a relationship a dog psychologist
legged love. Canine mortality – and its limits described as a ‘three-way oxytocin high’; a
compared to our own – is one of life’s harsher ménage à trois in which she sleeps between us,
realities, however one learns the news. At 51, the ultimate barrier-method contraception.
four years into adult dog ownership, I worry How many more years of this feral bliss will we
about my blue whippet’s death daily, despite be allowed? Her father died at 12 – better than
her relatively young age. At six months, Pim- some breeds, but still unthinkable. My boy-
lico nearly died of meningitis, rendering her friend hates it when I say, ‘When she dies, I die’,
uninsurable and me neurotic. The months of however, I do believe this. I feel the way friends
steroids required to save her involved weight with children describe parenthood: and, lo,
gain and muscle loss. there is my heart roving untethered in the
At the same time, Pim’s earliest weeks were world – about to be run over in pursuit of KFC.
at a site in Ithaca. Here Vaika is trialling an

My boyfriend hates it experimental anti-ageing drug that could also
have implications for humans.
Then there is Loyal, a business biotech start-
when I say: ‘When up founded by scientist Celine Halioua to
develop drugs to increase health and wag span.
It will shortly be launching clinical trials of two
she dies, I die.’ But drugs: the first an implant aimed at larger dogs;
the second, a pill to be tested on older animals.
Halioua’s goal is that, if successful, these could
I do believe this… ultimately be trialled on – and sold to – people.

The largest and most exciting of these

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1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
Hannah Betts and Pimlico on an ‘oxytocin high’

canine investigations, America’s Dog Aging Pro- and they share the human environment. I don’t
ject (dogagingproject.org), is a vast academic know why it took me 15 years to make that con-
undertaking involving almost 45,000 citizen nection, but as soon as I did it became some-
scientists and their hounds, 30 scientists and 60 thing I had to do because of Dobby. If we’re able
staff across 12 institutions, with many millions to give dogs an extra two, three, four years of
of funding. It was the brainchild of the biology healthy longevity, that’s a big deal. No one really
of ageing specialist Dr Matt Kaeberlein, based at cares if we can make a mouse live 50 per cent
the University of Washington, Seattle. Dr Kae- longer. It’s neat academically, but it’s not going
berlein grew up with dogs, and typically main- to change anyone’s life.’
tains a small pack. It was his beloved long-haired DNA-wise, dogs are not much closer to us
German shepherd, Dobby, now 12, who inspired than mice. However, the shared habitat factor
his light-bulb moment a decade ago. is hugely significant, given that approximately
‘I’d been studying the biology of ageing for 15 75 per cent of what drives longevity is believed
years in different laboratory animals, starting to be environmental, a mere 25 per cent
with simple-celled yeast, then nematode worms genetic. As species, humans and hounds have
and, eventually, mice,’ Dr Kaeberlein explains. enjoyed 30-40,000 years of co-evolution.
‘It has never occurred to me that there was an Moreover, unlike in, say, cats, the structured
opportunity to investigate how much we’d learnt breed component offers rich potential for
inside the laboratory in the real world until con- genetic study. These affinities mean that what
versations with my now co-director [evolution of we learn about canine ageing might also lead
ageing expert] Dr Daniel Promislow. to human life spans being increased.
‘Suddenly, it occurred to me that there might When Dr Kaeberlein mentioned his dog-
be an opportunity not only to understand the based plans in an interview in Nature in 2014,
biology of ageing, but to actually have an impact it immediately captured the attention of the
on the health and longevity of dogs because world’s media – and animal lovers. Owners
they age so much more rapidly than humans – signed up in their droves, happy to fill in a
meticulous, 10-part health survey that takes

‘If we give dogs an anywhere between one and three hours to
complete, and thereafter annual updates. Over
six thousand pack members have also had their
extra four years of genomes sequenced. The project started with
a small safety trial in 2015, Dr Kaeberlein insist-
ing that they use the same caution as in paedi-
healthy longevity, atric trials, given the devotion owners feel. (He
TERENCE DERBYSHIRE
and his microbiologist wife Tammi have two

sons, yet note that ‘Our first child was a dog’.)
that’s a big deal’ The Dog Aging Project’s current dataset of

almost 45,000 subjects is not only the largest

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1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
animal ageing study ever amassed, but is ever and canines might one day share the same life
expanding. (Thus far only Americans can par- span? ‘Right now, it might seem impossible, but
ticipate, but there are hopes to extend its time and perseverance have proven that many
reach.) It will be a long-term investigation. things thought to be impossible actually aren’t.
The 36 papers it has released over the last 18 If you think back to where medicine was a cou-
months have been based on the first year’s data ple of hundred years ago, no one would have
when the pack numbered 20,000. Matters are been able to foresee what we can do today.’
thus at a very early stage, the tip of the canine- Because, still, when Kaeberlein and co say
ageing iceberg. ‘longevity’ many of us hear ‘immortality’, how-
Still, its findings have confirmed that the ever irrational. Robert Graham, 62, a nurse liv-
most important diseases – cancer, heart and ing in Austin, Texas, is the owner of Bear, 13,
kidney disease – increase exponentially with a stray and ‘the most wonderful dog ever’. Bear
age in dogs as with humans. Dementia is simi- is a participant in the Dog Aging Project’s
larly age-related, after which first exercise, current rapamycin study, which delights Gra-
then diet, are factors. Once-a-day feeding has ham, aware of the drug’s reputation as a
been associated with reduced risk of being life-extender. ‘When I was asked about my
diagnosed with several age-related diseases, expectations on joining the project, I said I
possibly because of calorie restriction. Early wanted Bear to live for ever,’ he admits wryly.
trials of the drug rapamycin (also known as We debate the issues. Would we actually want
sirolimus) have shown encouraging signs, pro- our loves to live longer than us, at risk of harm
viding evidence for improved heart function and loneliness? Well, no. Could we all be euthan-
and increased activity, demonstrating that the ised at once by some benevolent super-vet? ‘I say
drug can be used safely in dogs, as in people. to Bear what I say to my wife: “I want to live one
The declarations of some human ‘life exten- minute shorter than you,”’ Graham concludes.
sionists’, aka ‘immortalists’, have been so fantas- Like me, he’s joking, but also not joking. Unlike
tically extravagant that this may sound like Barbra Streisand, we won’t be paying $50,000 a
small beer. After all, the non-profit Methuselah

‘We can modify the Foundation has a mission to ‘make 90 the new
50 by 2030’, after which 900 surely cannot be
far behind. Indeed, it takes its name from Noah’s
biology of ageing to grandfather, fabled to have lived 969 years.
Dr Kaeberlein exhibits justifiable frustration:
‘So much hyperbole and nonsense gets into the
keep dogs – and us media, but a key point is that there is a biology of
ageing. Different animals age at different rates,
but we can modify the biology of ageing in ways
– healthier for longer’ to keep dogs – and people – healthier for longer.
In this way, we can have an outsized impact on
health span compared with waiting until people
and dogs are sick, which is the kind of 19th- pup to create spooky lookalike-yet-not-person-
century medicine we still practice today.’ ality-a-like clones. However, given the option,
Could this eventually lead to our dogs living we’d test the patience of the wise heads at the
many more years – doubling their life spans as Dog Aging Project.
has been achieved in laboratory mice, and, Dr Kaeberlein understands this. When I
perhaps, in time, being able to live as long as bleat: ‘But what can I do to make Pim live as
we do? Dr Kaeberlein laughs: ‘Given where we long as possible now?’ he patiently enumerates
are today, don’t hold your breath!’ ‘Ever?’ I the strategies science currently gives us.
plead. He smiles: ‘As a scientist, ever’s a tough Namely: focus on dogs not being overweight,
word. But, in the short-term, it’s not unreason- getting lots of exercise, having good oral care
able to expect a 25 per cent increase in life span (guilty as charged), being up-to-date with vac-
and a larger increase in health span.’ cines, and receiving annual check-ups. In
Dr Lizzy Pearson, 32, a veterinarian based in humans, sleep would be another aspect, but
Texas, and researcher with the Dog Aging Pro- dogs appear to have this cracked, snoring all
ject, is more optimistic about where its work the way to superannuation.
might carry caninekind. Another lifelong Instead of conjuring a world of bio-hacked
hound obsessive, her other half is Rimmington, bulldogs, the point is for human and hound to
10, a golden doodle, the runt of a premature lit- live as healthily and happily as possible, how-
ter whom she tube-fed. ‘My goal is to get Rimmi ever long life is. Both of us are simply passing
to be 15 – but a happy 15,’ she tells me. One of through, but the joy is that we are doing so
her tasks in the trial is to make clear to owners together. Still, good luck telling me this as the
that its benefits are aimed at future animals. decade wears on. The Journal of Small Animal
‘Some have high hopes that this will help dogs Practice puts whippet life expectancy at 12.79
live for ever,’ she reports. ‘Others think, “I don’t years, meaning that Pim has around nine years
know if this will help dogs, but I want to partici- left. My own life expectancy is around 83. How,
pate because it might.” Does she think humans pray, am I to function between 60 and 83?

Uyghurs
in
exile
Monitored, persecuted,
brutalised – China’s Uyghur
population is under constant
pressure, with stories from
‘re-education’ camps shocking
the world. Thousands have
taken their chances on
gruelling escape routes.
The Telegraph’s China
correspondent Sophia Yan
reports on their journeys, and
the challenge of building lives
abroad – while under the
threat of being forced to return
14 The Telegr aph M aga zine 1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3

T
eetering on a narrow cliff in a mountainous jun-
gle, somewhere between southern China and
Myanmar, Abdurehim Imin Parach focused on
carefully placing one foot in front of the other. His life
depended on it. Hundreds of feet below lay piles of suit-
cases and clothes – the lost belongings of people who had
attempted this perilous journey before him.
‘I was shaking,’ he says. ‘It looked like no-man’s-land.’
It took four hours, in withering heat, flanked by men
carrying machetes, to cross the border into Myanmar. On
the other side, he was overjoyed to find wild bananas and
a spring. ‘I was covered in dust and dirt but I’d never
tasted water so sweet.’
Parach is one of an estimated 20,000 Uyghurs to have
illegally escaped China, where they have long faced per-
secution. Many were assisted by traffickers who arranged
fake passports, found safe houses and helped evade
Chinese spies, charging tens of thousands of dollars to do
so. But it is a dangerous journey. Some people died along
the way. Others were exploited by traffickers who stole
their money; or were captured and deported to China.
Those who were sent back simply disappeared, likely
imprisoned, tortured or executed.
Parach’s relief at having reached safety is bittersweet.
Though he made it to Turkey – a longtime Uyghur dias-
pora hub – his wife, Buhelchem Memet, and their children
Photographs by
ALESSANDR A
SCHELLN EGGER
& BR ADLEY
SECKER

were never able to join him. Worse, his eldest to central Asia before he was caught and jailed.
son, Shehidulla, 11 at the time, who was with Parach started asking around for people who

him on part of the journey, disappeared. might help him.
Months later Parach would find out the dark So when he received that call from a friend
truth about what had happened. to say there was a way to get out – even though
He will never see Shehidulla again. it meant leaving that same day – Parach rushed
It is a sunny morning in Istanbul and Parach home to tell his wife. They decided that she
is sitting in a café in Sefaköy, a bustling neigh- would stay back with their five youngest chil-
bourhood. He is 47 now, a poet, and makes dren, and he would make the journey with
ends meet by doing translation work and help- Shehidulla. ‘People I knew had died on the
ing Uyghurs write books. His own memoir is in way. [So] my wife said, “When you’re safely
the works. He has the air of a professor, with abroad, you can find a way to get us there, too.”’
black-rimmed glasses tucked into his shirt Parach paid someone to drive him and She-
pocket. Parach’s escape was almost a decade hidulla the 900 miles from their home in
ago, but as he recounts it, his eyes fill with tears Kashgar to Urümqi, the capital of Xinjiang.
and he glances nervously around the empty The next morning, father and son flew to
café. ‘There are Chinese spies everywhere.’ Nanyang in central China, but the contact,
Parach was living in Kashgar, a city on the arranged by traffickers, who was supposed to
ancient Silk Road in western China, when he meet them there didn’t turn up.
fled. He had just opened a mattress factory when It would be two weeks before the contact
he received a call about a trafficking route. He finally got in touch – in the meantime, they
decided to run – there was no other option.
It was 2013, and the Chinese government
was gearing up to impose its ‘Strike Hard’ cam-
paign, directed at Uyghurs, a mostly Muslim
ethnic group living largely in Xinjiang, where
they are a community of 11 million. Their
oppression dates back to the 1700s, but control
tightened in the 1940s after the Communist
Party took power. By the time Parach was pre-
paring to leave, restrictions were ramping up
further: police had started detaining men
with beards; religious materials were confis-
cated. The government was monitoring
mobile phones and laptops, and installing
facial-recognition cameras. Such surveillance
would increase in the years that followed, as
authorities began mass collection of DNA, iris
scans and voice samples.
‘Even our kitchen knives had to be chained
to cutting boards and all blades had QR codes
on them,’ Parach remembers. ‘Uyghurs har-
boured deep-seated hatred against the Chinese
government. They had complete control [of
our lives].’
His own hatred of the authorities dates back
to 1997, when he was arrested for various were sheltered by a kindly Uyghur they had
‘crimes’, including praying and fasting, as well met at a mosque – and instructed them to go
as studying literature with an Uyghur professor to a jade market. From there, they were
accused of having separatist views. He was escorted to a building that housed dozens of
detained in a secret prison, where he was forced other Uyghurs.
to do gruelling work in a stone quarry that left Three weeks later, Parach received a tele-
him badly wounded. Sitting in the café today, he phone call from a Uyghur in Turkey, who
hides his hands in his lap, but when he raises his worked with traffickers. He instructed Parach
coffee mug, rows of pinprick scars cover them. to travel alone, without Shehidulla. No expla-
Previous page, left to right: Abdurehim Imin Parach After his release, Parach says that his ‘politi- nation was given. Parach was stunned, but he
in Istanbul; Abdulehet Abdulaziz at home in Turkey; cal criminal’ status haunted him. ‘My wife and complied. ‘At that point, I was desperate to get
Abdulla Tohti Arish, now living in Stuttgart; Eysajan
I moved from place to place [but] no matter out and did whatever I was told,’ he says.
Hekim fled to Germany via Turkey
where I was, the police would take me to the He sent Shehidulla home, but kept begging
station and interrogate me. There was no peace.’ traffickers to get his son out of China some
Chinese authorities refused to issue Parach other way, and eventually they agreed, taking
with a passport. Others he knew had bribed $2,000 to ensure his safe passage on the first
police, but though he spent ¥100,000 (about leg of the journey.
£12,000) trying to do the same, he never suc- Over the next two months, Parach and 10
PANOS PICTURES
ceeded. His only chance, he realised, was to others were shepherded through southern
escape illegally. China – by bus, by boat and on foot – and across
One of his prison cellmates, a teacher, had the border into Myanmar, where they were
attempted to flee years earlier; he had made it driven into a border-police station. ‘We were so

terrorists. Why else, Uyghur exiles argue, was
the illegal trafficking route open for roughly a

year at the height of Isis’s power?
‘[For years] we didn’t have any kind of free-
dom to live the way we wanted,’ says Abdulehet
Abdulaziz, 43, a shopkeeper from Ghulja, of
‘We were treated the long heavily restricted lives led by Uyghurs
in China.
like animals. We He says police forced him to sell alcohol in
his corner shop, which went against his Mus-
were starving; we lim faith. When he faked bankruptcy to avoid
stocking it, police accused him of ‘extremism’
quenched the and ‘wrong political thought’. Harassment
intensified: he was threatened with 15 years’
hunger with water’ imprisonment for having videos about Islam
on his computer, narrowly escaping arrest by
giving police his new car.
Eventually, he fled to Turkey with his two
sons, but never found a way for his wife and
their daughter, now nine, to join them.
T
he persecution of Uyghurs drew global
scared; we thought we’d been sold,’ he recalls. Uyghur, whose son was also in Iraq, that attention with the expansion of China’s
‘But it turns out there was no one inside.’ He sus- Shehidulla had died in a suicide attack. ‘I network of so-called ‘re-education
pects that traffickers had bribed the police. remembered our final conversation, when camps’ in recent years. More than one million
The most frightening part of the journey was Shehidulla said he was being trained to drive… Uyghurs and people from other Muslim
near the Myanmar-Thailand border, when they ‘I blame myself.’ Parach looks away. ‘It’s the minorities in Xinjiang are believed to have
crossed treacherous river rapids in a flimsy boat nature of these people to exploit and kill for been held between 2017 and 2020. Hundreds
with a sputtering engine. ‘The current was so their own benefit. It’s my fault I didn’t see that, of thousands more have been imprisoned for
strong, even good swimmers probably wouldn’t in my naivety and stupidity; I should have praying, fasting and other things considered
have stood a chance if we capsized,’ says Parach. stayed away from them, and made sure they by the government to be extremist crimes.
‘We were prepared to say goodbye...’ The next couldn’t hurt me and my son.’ Former detainees recount being tortured in
leg, getting into Malaysia, involved crawling The story is not an isolated one. Other the camps – some say they were electrocuted
through a hole in the border fence. Uyghur refugees report that traffickers plied with cattle prods, or forced to take medication
By now, it was October, and Shehidulla soon them with extremist propaganda and urged that they believe made them infertile; others
joined Parach in Kuala Lumpur, though the them to travel to Iraq or Syria to join jihadist say they were beaten and raped.
reunion was short-lived; they would be sepa- groups. It is unclear how many Uyghurs ended China has defended the camps as necessary
rated again. Nine months later, after traffickers up this way and estimates vary vastly; one from to reform ‘would-be’ terrorists. The Chinese
arranged a fake passport, Parach boarded a 2017 put the number at 5,000 people. Theories embassy in London denied all allegations of
plane bound for Istanbul. He had made it. also circulate among Uyghurs: some believe human-rights violations and forced labour,
Shehidulla, however, was nowhere to be that the Chinese authorities deliberately saying that ‘at present, Xinjiang is at its best in
found. He had flown to Istanbul too, a month allowed Uyghurs to escape illegally, an easy history’, and that there are ‘active efforts to
earlier, posing as the son of another Uyghur way to rid the country of them. Others point eliminate terrorist threats’.
man, but when Parach arrived, there was no out that it was to the benefit of the Chinese gov- Beijing previously said that everyone had
sign of either of them. He panicked. ‘I looked ernment if Uyghurs were forced to join Isis, as ‘graduated’ from re-education in Xinjiang by
everywhere,’ he says. ‘I was so desperate.’ it gave Beijing an excuse to claim that they were 2019. But Telegraph investigations in the
It took months to piece together his son’s fate:
Shehidulla had been kidnapped by the traffick-
ers who helped him escape, and taken to Iraq.
Then came another twist: traffickers offered
to reunite Parach with his son if he too went
to Iraq. ‘I was numb,’ he says. ‘I felt paralysed.’
He suspected that Shehidulla was being used
as leverage to draw him into Isis, or another
militant organisation.
The situation would play out over three
years; traffickers allowed father and son to Far left: many of Abdulla Tohti Arish’s relatives have
exchange short voice messages via a mobile- been detained in China. Above: Eysajan Hekim at his
local mosque. Left: Abdulehet Abdulaziz in the living
phone app. Shehidulla sounded casual, almost
room of the home he shares with his sons
upbeat, he says, adding that those messages
were monitored by his son’s captors. At times
Parach nearly acquiesced, but ultimately he
decided not to go. ‘I was sure that they would
not let us leave alive.’
The last time they spoke was in May 2017.
Shehidulla was 14. When Parach talked to the
traffickers, they told him: ‘Your son has chosen
to become a martyr.’ The words chilled him.
Months later, Parach learned from another

region and interviews with former detainees, as a way out of prison, and out of China, never was surprised to see a dog-walker pick up her
along with police files leaked by hackers, indi- intending to do it. Later he sought asylum in pet’s excrement. ‘I went home and googled it,

cate that many of those held were sent to Germany, where he now lives with his wife and and was shocked that there is a law, and you
prison or forced into labour. It is believed that their five children, aged between four and 18. can be fined if you don’t pick it up – to approach
camps still exist in remote locations. Even Today he struggles with guilt. He especially dog poop [in Xinjiang] would be unthinkable!’
those who have been released live under heavy misses his father, who is 73. ‘The longer we But the greatest worry for Uyghurs living
surveillance. This, some Uyghurs tell me, feels can’t see relatives, the heavier [the burden] abroad runs far deeper than this: the threat of
like being in an open prison. feels, to the point where we sometimes think being forced back home. China routinely pres-
In 2021, the UK Parliament declared that maybe we shouldn’t have abandoned them. sures other governments to deport ‘suspects’.
Uyghurs and other ethnic-minority groups in ‘But other times we’re so happy that we now Authorities have also targeted Uyghurs living
China were suffering ‘crimes against human- live in a place where we have our freedom.’ abroad by threatening family members in China.
ity and genocide’. Earlier that year, the UK Abdulla Tohti Arish, 39, a former teacher
L
Government, along with the US, the EU and ife after settling abroad is not without who settled in Stuttgart, says that authorities
Canada, sanctioned four Chinese officials: its difficulties, as Uyghurs adapt to new confiscated the passports of his wife and chil-
assets were frozen and they were banned from languages and traditions. Learning a dren back in China. His wife was also impris-
certain countries. China responded with its new language is a particular challenge for oned for receiving a money transfer from him.
own sanctions. Nearly two years on, it’s unclear Eysajan. Every day he writes a new German Other relatives have been detained too: ‘My
whether the lives of Uyghurs in Xinjiang have word on a whiteboard for the family to mem- father, sister, brother-in-law, his father’ – he
been improved by sanctions. orise, but some are especially confusing, like ticks off a long list.
Eysajan Hekim, 39, was detained for a ‘ja’, which means ‘yes’ in German but sounds Uyghurs living in Turkey, meanwhile, are
month in a re-education camp in 2017 after the same as ‘no’ in Uyghur. concerned about an extradition deal between
travelling to Malaysia to buy halal goods to sell Western customs can also be confusing: he Turkey and China, signed in 2017, which is
awaiting ratification by Ankara.
Parach believes he could be executed if sent
back; he hopes to leave Turkey and settle else-
where in Europe, or in North America, even if
it means using another dangerous route.
‘I feel a lot of hatred towards the [Chinese]
government, the Communist Party… I hope for
some kind of revenge at some point,’ he admits.
‘They destroyed my life, the lives of my chil-
dren and my family, and the lives of many,
many Uyghurs.’
He is particularly concerned about the fam-
ily he left behind. Calling his wife would put
her at risk so, for years, he checked Chinese
social media for signs that she was still alive. In
October 2015, she suddenly stopped posting. ‘I
was worried she had been arrested.’ He later
discovered that she was sentenced to nine
years in prison for purported ‘links’ to a ter-
rorist organisation.
Another of his sons has died in a road acci-
dent after being hit by a police car. He knows
nothing more of the safety of his four surviving
children, including his daughter Shahida, a
10-month-old baby when he left.
in his import-export business, activity that On his darkest days, Parach wonders whether
marked him as a potential ‘terrorist’. He recalls he should have stayed. At times he bitterly
dozens of prisoners squeezed into a cell so regrets trusting the traffickers. He puts it like
small that they had to sleep facing the same this: ‘If I go live in the woods with a tiger, can I
direction. Torture and interrogations were, he blame the tiger afterwards for biting me? That’s
says, part of daily life: electric shocks, beatings their nature… I should have known better.’
with wet towels to cause internal injuries His residence permit in Turkey is due to
while leaving no external marks. ‘We were expire within weeks of our conversation; he
treated like animals,’ Eysajan says. ‘We were has had no response to his request for an exten-
starving; we quenched the hunger with water. Above: Abdurehim Imin Parach pictured in the sion. But wherever he is – in Turkey, or on the
Sefaköy neighbourhood of Istanbul, where there is
But we couldn’t [wash] as there was no soap.’ road – he is plagued by memories of what he
a significant Uyghur community. Parach arrived in
One prisoner was, he recalls, chained to a the city in 2014 – his journey there took almost a year
left behind. ‘Everything I do, [all of the poetry]
huge block of stone and forced to drag it along I write, is connected to my home,’ he says.
whenever he moved. ‘He begged to be ‘If I ever have the chance to go home, I would
released; I can’t forget his pleas.’ lay down and hug the ground.’
Before this, he had been held in a detention In his most recent volume of poetry, he cap-
centre, where he was strapped to a ‘tiger tures his homesickness: ‘My tears leak drop by
chair’, a metal contraption that can contort the drop… Everything seems so strange to me,
body into painful positions, and kept there for even though I try to comfort myself,’ he writes.
two days. ‘My homeland, I miss you so much.’
He was released after agreeing to spy on Additional reporting and translation by
Uyghurs in Turkey – he says he only assented Rune Steenberg

1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
The Telegr aph Maga zine
19
I fell

in love
with a
psychopath
Before I begin, I should prefix this with the fact that he never called himself a
psychopath. He used the word only once. It was quite early on, we were at his
old flat, making tofu curry, and for some reason we were discussing the
narcissism spectrum, and that’s when he said it: ‘Psychopaths are entirely
misunderstood. It’s a defamatory word for successful men, mostly CEOs.’
I laughed. ‘Exactly what a psychopath would say.’ I waited for him to laugh too
but he looked away. He was silent for a very long time, then he started dishing
up the rice. ‘We should eat this before it gets cold.’ We never spoke of it again…
Photographs by KELLIE FRENCH
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
21
H
i s eye s are pink
when he opens the

front door. His lug-
gage for our mini-
break is on his hall
floor, stuffed into plastic bags
from Waitrose. He was up all night
writing his life goals, he says.
Later he tells me he ate bad fish,
slept with a bucket by his bed.
Inside, his living room is filled
with wet foam. Krystyna*, his
‘handygirl’, scrubs plaster from
the cornicing. ‘Looks great,’ I say
politely, careful not to overstep
my opinion. Last time I stayed observed, as we yomped across Beacons will be our first trip away
over I’d offered Krystyna a cup of the sand. together, our second attempt at
tea and he said it was embarrass- It was the week after Queen one. I’m embarrassed to tell peo-
ing: ‘It’s not your place to offer.’ Elizabeth died. I’d worked for six ple I’m going because last time he
He talks about her like a commod- days straight and was a coiled didn’t show up, didn’t tell me he
ity: ‘I can own her for £15 an hour, spring of anxiety but the second wasn’t coming. Just… nothing.
£30k a year.’ A few days later, he I was with him, it dissipated. We When my friend Jess finds out,
remembers that he left his pros- laughed constantly that day, she WhatsApps immediately:
tate massager on his bed – his swam in the icy sea, and as the sun ‘How did he get you back after
niece is staying when we’re away set we ate vinegary chips, batting last time?’
and he considers whether to ask away seagulls. But back at mine Me: ‘It was a mix-up. He wanted
Krystyna to hide it. ‘Isn’t that a bit he went quiet. He stood in front me to book his train and thought I
inappropriate?’ I say, aghast, and of a blue print, an Yves Klein, and was angry when I didn’t.’
suggest he asks his friend Joe, but ran his fingers over a cashmere Jess: ‘You mean he was angry
he doesn’t see the difference. cushion. ‘Your stuff ’s so different that you didn’t.’
We walk to an Italian delicates- to mine.’ The hairs on my neck Me: ‘He cooked me dinner. It’s
sen near his house for bagels for stood on end, something about his fine now.’
the journey. He talks a lot about tone. ‘It’s like you’re a stranger; She sends four red flag emojis.
this deli, his new local, a place you don’t show yourself to me.’ I tried to explain him to her once
where scruffy rich people go – I wanted to say that this made no but his magnetism is impossible
‘authentic rich people’. He talks sense but I’d been argumentative to capture. He’s like no one I’ve
often about rich and poor: I took with exes; I’d promised myself I met, a series of fascinating contra-
him to Sussex once, one of his wouldn’t be any more. dictions: playful, almost wonder-
first trips to the British seaside. At the deli I order a mozzarella struck at times, but driven and
‘This is a poor person activity,’ he bagel and he begins to instruct me ambitious; there’s a sensitive,
My friends looked horrified by

anecdotes I thought painted him
as charming. Their concern felt
misplaced: I was on an adventure
otherwise. Often he tells me what bruised side too beneath his cock-
to order, what’s best, and often I let sure façade.
him but on the occasions I have a I have a contradiction of my
clear idea of what I want it becomes own where I’d love a family and a
a battle of wills. I read that this is house on a rugged bit of coast but
how it starts with narcissists, psy- picturing anyone I’ve dated in this
chopaths, sociopaths, whoever; dream makes me feel like I can’t
after a while you’re so beaten breathe properly. He is the only
down, it’s easier to do what they person who doesn’t give me that.
say, but at the same time they Even a trip to Costa Coffee with
become bored by being with some- him is an exhilarating adventure.
one so plasticine, so unless you stay Sometimes he sends me Right-
firm, you’re on borrowed time. move links to cottages in Cornwall
This mini-break to the Brecon and texts, ‘I’m buying this after
22 The Telegr aph M aga zine

flipping my London place.’ I tell we listen to The xx instead, but he threw parties, were happy until quiet afterwards but later, at din-
him he’s plagiarising my dream. switches it off altogether. they weren’t. He was less hand- nertime, he put a self-help book on

He sends me a link to a converted ‘What are you doing?’ some back then. He told me he’ll my table mat, Adult Children of
church next. ‘How about here?’ ‘Punishing you.’ hit peak attractiveness soon, girls Emotionally Immature Parents.
And against my better judgment, He looks sideways and we laugh often fancy him. ‘It’s a shame that ‘You should read it.’
I let myself imagine. but I don’t know why because he women’s looks go the other way If someone else told me this I’d
It’s December when we go to really is punishing me. by our age.’ be horrified. I love my grand-
Brecon, zero degrees, but he ‘You like being punished,’ he is We were in The Shard at the mother dearly. But I reminded
insists on driving with the roof suddenly serious. time; I’d booked the table to cele- myself that his upbringing was
down. He takes calls from a plas- We drive past his old house in brate his new house but he looked tough; his mother had psychotic
terer, an electrician and instructs west London, where he lived at my small black dress and said, episodes. She had Munchausen by
me on the optimal angle to hold alone from 15, after he was ‘Why are you wearing that?’ and, Proxy, he said once; she’d taken
his phone. Between calls he expelled from boarding school. ‘I hate places where people pre- him from surgeon to surgeon
plays tinny music and I suggest Later his ex-wife moved in. They tend to be rich.’ In the bathroom, until one agreed to remove part of
I washed the lipstick off my mouth his perfectly healthy intestine.
and when I returned I was about Only later did it strike me that he
to tell him I was off home but he didn’t have a scar.
looked tearful. ‘Thanks for book- By then, I was a paper doll ver-
ing this. No one’s ever done any- sion of myself with him, two-
thing like this for me.’ He touched dimensional and flat. Everything I
my arm. ‘Here, try my whisky.’ said felt uninteresting. Around
He didn’t like other things of that time I went to the Falkland
mine: a novel I’d once published; Islands for work; I climbed a
my flat; my career, which he con- mountain there with war veter-
sidered pointless. I told myself ans. My colour ran back. I was
he was just direct, Germanic, and bursting to tell him but he went
anyway he never sounded mali- quiet. ‘I was going to tell you
cious. I never saw myself as a vic- about my planning permission…’
tim – the opposite in fact. I could And suddenly, my words seemed
‘take’ feedback, the way others inconsequential again.
couldn’t. And when my friends He could sound loving too. Like
looked horrified by anecdotes the day I returned from that trip.
that I thought painted him as I’d been on a crest of adrenaline
charming, I thought I’d explained but after 30 hours of travel,
badly. Their concern felt mis- I crashed and back at home I
placed: I was on an adventure sobbed. Really I just needed some
with an exhilarating man, what sleep but he praised me for cry-
was there to worry about? ing. ‘Well done, it’s the first step.’
I met his best friends once; ‘To what?’ ‘To realising you hate
funny, interesting people. He was your life. And realisation is the
kinder around them. But he was first step to change.’
circumspect about mine. ‘I can He told me once he wanted to
tell we won’t get on,’ he said about lead a cult. I laughed but he was
one after a picnic, a pleasant, adamant. ‘Someone said I’d be
innocuous day, ‘at least you’re good at it.’ I played along: ‘I’ll
not close.’ ‘She’s one of my best be the speechwriter, help you
friends,’ I corrected him. He indoctrinate the masses.’ ‘No,’ he
looked confused: ‘Really? Seemed frowned. ‘You’ll be in the cult,
like she didn’t know you.’ locked in a room and I’ll let myself
One day he asked to listen to a in and do whatever I want.’ A stu-
voicemail I’d received from my pid joke, I told myself, and I said
grandmother – a lovely, warm ram- something silly about him not
ble about her week. Tearfully, she being able to afford my speech-
added that she missed me. He went writer salary. ‘Of course I can
The Telegr aph M aga zine 23

afford you. I know what you want: dated for eight weeks. She was
a place by the sea, a kid or two. taking him to court for backdated

Once you know what people spousal support. ‘How would you
want, you can own anyone.’ have done it?’ ‘Poison,’ he says
We reach Brecon after dark. The immediately, then adds the cons
bungalow is nondescript; pleather outweighed the pros. ‘What cons?
sofas, dishes of potpourri, strip- Prison?’ ‘No, raising Jacob alone.’ I
lights that hum. He found it on deliberate whether to ask my next
Airbnb. He tenses up and I say, question: ‘Have you considered
‘Let’s make the best of it,’ and I hurting Jacob?’ ‘That would make
rearrange some lamps. Then we no sense, I wouldn’t take pleasure
snuggle in front of Come Dine With from the act of hurting people. It’s
Me, his favourite, and the next just the removal of an obstacle.’
morning off we go to Hay-on-Wye. He’s probably just bored, trying
It’s a bitter day. We wander past to shock, I decide, but that night, adventures; but who, six months evening. My friend, the host, has
shops selling lovespoons and as we soak in a hot tub, his words in, won’t commit. baked a birthday cake, shaped like
second-hand books. Inside Hay sit with me. Other things he’d told He talks next and this time I a Guinness barrel, for her Irish hus-
Castle he examines the craftsman- me too: throwaway comments listen properly. He describes his band, and it strikes me how kind
ship of some shutters. An elderly like how he imagined raping last break-up, forgetting he has they are to each other, how beauti-
volunteer smiles: ‘You must be a someone as a teenager. already told me, but this account fully normal everyone is. They
carpenter.’ He just looks at her, so I told him I loved him once, and is different. He lets slip, too, that drink rum, discuss fixed-rate mort-
I say, ‘He’s bought a house and is he shook his head. ‘You’re not in he took her on a replica of this trip: gages. I chat, laugh, I’m almost
renovating it’. ‘How lovely,’ she love, you’re in limerence.’ That’s Airbnb; Brecon Beacons; Convert- myself again. But I feel strange.
says. As we’re walking out, he not true, I insisted, but he contin- ible car. Even the same tea stop. Suddenly, I need to be alone.
whispers, ‘It would be so easy to ued: ‘You see only good things in Before I can interject, he leaps out Days later, I wake to a message
kill her.’ ‘Stop it!’ ‘But it would. me but one day you’ll see only bad, of the hot tub. He wants ice cream. from a man called Paul who
She’d be completely unsuspecting.’ then you won’t want to be near me.’ ‘Let’s go to the all-night petrol sta- invited me on a date last spring.
We weave through the farmer’s He switches on the hot-tub jets tion!’ ‘It’s a 30-minute drive.’ ‘But He’d cancelled 10 minutes before
market and I say, as casually as I and turns to me. ‘Are you happy I want ice cream!’ – a headache. I’d forgotten him.
can: ‘Have you thought about kill- with where we’re at?’ We talk He speeds 100mph around Now: ‘Hey. Drink?’ I throw down
ing someone for real?’ ‘Of course.’ properly then. For some reason twisty country lanes, and we my phone. How dare he waste my
‘But seriously…’ He tells me that I’m franker than ever before; per- laugh, the way we always do, only time? I’m hit, suddenly, by rage,
he pulled apart some insects as a haps I’ve stopped trying. I admit tonight it doesn’t feel the same. great torrents of it. Not at Paul, but
kid, and when things were bad at how badly I want children, that There is no climax here, as I at him, though mostly at myself.
home he’d beat a neighbour’s dog I’m scared of leaving it too late. might expect were I reading this. He once said that everyone in
with a stick. ‘When she had pup- He asks what’s stopping me and it No threats, violence, no strategi- his life had a calculable value, that
pies I tried to drown them in the strikes me that he is – or rather cally placed knives. Really, he his ex-girlfriends were very rich,
sink but my mother caught me.’ that I am letting him; this man was the least violent man. Save or very beautiful. He’d repeatedly
He considered murdering the who texts me hourly, who I go on for bursts of boyish excitement, asked about my salary, my par-
mother of his son, who he had 12-hour dates with, weekend-long hi s emotions were entirely ents’ postcode and I’d deflected
but he knew I wasn’t wealthy. And
He tells me that he pulled apart clearly I wasn’t model-beautiful.

So what had he wanted?
It strikes me then that the ques-
insects as a kid, and when things

tion is wrong. More concerningly,
what had I wanted from him?
What could anyone want so badly
that they’d let themselves shrink
were bad at home he’d beat a so small? I feel like someone I

don’t recognise. But something
inside me lifts.
neighbour’s dog with a stick

Hours later my phone flashes
again. It’s him. A Rightmove link
to a Cornish cottage: ‘I’m buying
this next.’ ‘Why are you sending
controlled. He told me once he me this?’ I reply. My phone pings
enjoyed provoking his ex-wife again: ‘These 1-2 kids you want,
then sitting serenely, watching would you educate them in Corn-
her explode. None of that with wall?’ ‘Why?’ ‘I worry we/they *NAMES THROUGHOUT HAVE BEEN CHANGED
me, but something had shifted. wouldn’t fit in.’ ‘I’ll decide that
The next morning we drive with my future partner,’ I say
home. ‘I wish I could stay here firmly. Later, another message:
with you for ever,’ he says. I nod, ‘Shall we adopt a dog? You could
ask why he enjoys holidaying with sell your flat and…’
me and he says I’m easygoing and Finally, I stop reading.
spontaneous, and I think: those Taking a deep breath, I reply:
are the last two words anyone who ‘Please stop sending me this stuff.’
knows me would use. At some point I scroll to his
I’ve a party back in London that number. I press delete.

Polly Morgan has a freezer full of snake corpses and a nail technician in her b

Renowned for abstract, unsettling taxidermy pieces, she has suspended p
Ahead of a new exhibition of her most ambitious, intricate sculptures to d

r basement. As a creative force, the British artist is anything but conventional.

d pheasant chicks from balloons and made baby giraffes kneel on the ceiling.
o date, she talks to Jessamy Calkin about finding the magic in the macabre
Death
becomes
them
Photographs by
CREDIT
CREDIT
H A N NA H STA R K E Y

28
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
S
everal years ago, Polly Morgan, who uses taxidermy in her art, was asked Morgan. Yes. Clay? Yes. Glass? Yes. Wire? Yes. Well, in that case
getting so many offers of small animal corpses from helpful mem- I have another package to go.

bers of the public that her freezers were full. Like most taxidermists Fine, said the woman. What is it? It’s a sculpture, said Morgan, and it
in this country, she would never use anything that hadn’t died from nat- looks like a giraffe…
ural causes, but she often got calls about birds, rodents, squirrels, road- So the giraffe came back, and is now kneeling upside down on some-
kill or stuff that the cat had brought in from people who had found her one’s ceiling in London.
number on her website. ‘And I generally didn’t want the things I was get- Because that’s what taxidermy is: sculpture. But that was a long time
ting offered anyway, so I said, if anyone calls, say no.’ ago, and this was possibly Morgan’s most conventional enterprise, and
One evening the phone rang and she heard her assistant say, ‘Oh, thank nothing like the work that she does now.
you for offering but no, she really can’t accommodate anything else at the Morgan lives with her husband, the artist Mat Collishaw, and their
moment, but I’ll pass it on, yeah – a baby giraffe – OK, thanks, bye…’ two young sons, Bruce and Clifford, in a superbly converted pub
And Morgan shrieked, ‘Wait! Can I speak to them?’ in Camberwell, south London. Her studio is on the ground floor and her
It turned out that the giraffe had been born in a zoo but died of an workshop is in the basement, which used to be the beer cellar. Upstairs,
infection after five days. The caller was an art student who was a fan in a large, light kitchen, she makes coffee while we discuss nail art and
of Morgan’s work and who also helped out in the zoo. ‘I couldn’t bear the intricacies of albino snake scales. Dressed in a paint-splattered boiler
it to go to waste,’ she says. suit, she has a beautiful face with delicate features. Banksy once called
The problem was that the zoo was in Bahrain. But with the help of the her ‘Britain’s hottest bird stuffer’.
person who had offered it – whose family had a construction company Morgan has been exhibiting her work since 2005, and is particularly
there and provided Morgan with a workshop, and tools, and even a flat revered in the art world. A line-up of some of her early work includes
to stay in – off she went. a phone receiver with quail-chick heads sprouting from it, a robin fly-
Two weeks later, the giraffe was packed up and ready to return to ing through a pane of glass, a rotten tree being suckled by piglets, a
the UK, where Morgan already had a buyer lined up. But when she wilting bird suspended from a balloon in a glass dome, and a cardinal
called the shipping companies they said, we don’t ship taxidermy. Ah, bird inside a rib cage. Morgan doesn’t recreate animals in their natural
said Morgan, do you ship fibreglass? Yes, said the woman. Leather? settings. It’s not about making dead things look alive. It’s about them
being dead. Her art is abstract, unsettling and memorable. Her mind,
Above: Polly Morgan in her studio, with works from new exhibition False Flags she once said, works more like a digestive system. ‘I may see a baby
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3 The Telegr aph M aga zine 29

30
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
suckling its mother and go on to make a number of piglets suckling the Below: Catch ’em Young, Treat ’em Rough, Tell ’em Nothing, 2023
sap from a dead tree.’

Lately, snakes have been on her mind. Her new exhibition, at the because I could try out loads of different methods. I wanted to be able to
Royal Society of Sculptors in London, is inspired by snakes but doesn’t mimic the iridescence because that’s one of the most beautiful parts.
involve any actual taxidermy. Snakes have featured in her work for quite I tried rainbow spectral paints and I had a bit of success, but not enough.’
a while now, and her freezers are still full of them. In 2020 she had an Then Collishaw came home with an idea. ‘He had been on the bus and
exhibition at the Bomb Factory in east London, entitled How To Behave the girls in front of him were discussing their manicures and one of them
at Home – which featured thick, vibrantly coloured coiled snakes tightly had iridescence on her nails – he said, you should look into nail art and
packed into polyurethane or concrete structures, or spilling out like what they use in nail bars.’
voluptuous bodies tipping out of corsets. So she did. ‘And I was fascinated by all the different techniques they
Some were the real thing, others were casts – models – but they use – base coats, filler gel, top coats, and this powder that you rub in
retained all the flamboyance and shiny beauty of actual snakes, thanks which turns transparent things into iridescent pink or green. But the
to meticulous painting of the scales. Snakeskin tends to dry out and lose problem was that it completely blocked the colour underneath. Then I
all its iridescence; a lot of its pigmentation, too. ‘And if it was going out- found these iridescent sticker transfers, and if you apply it really per-
side, it wouldn’t last because it has no feathers or fur to cover the actual fectly to the cast it looks exactly like the real thing.
skin. When it dries out – which is what all taxidermy does – all the mois- ‘I got into this whole world of nails. It’s like a secret world of materi-
ture evaporates.’ als that artists don’t really know about.’
In 2021 Morgan won the Royal Society of Sculptors’ First Plinth Pub- So now, her workshop downstairs is ‘basically a very messy, dusty
lic Art Award – a biennial prize for artists who’ve never previously had a nail bar’ with hundreds of small bottles of paints and gels and varnish;
public sculpture commissioned. The award provides the winner with and her assistant Sophie is an actual nail technician who Morgan
funds to create the work, which is displayed at the RSS’s Dora House and found via Instagram. Wearing a puffer coat against the cold, Sophie is
then moves to Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park for a year. ‘And then – if it painstakingly painting glossy sculpting gel on to the apex of the giant
hasn’t been trashed – it’s mine if I want to sell it.’ snake, scale by scale.
The work is currently under construction in her studio: a vast con-
P
crete structure with an enormous grey iridescent snake curled up in a olly Morgan didn’t go to art college – she didn’t even do an art
cavity, scales gleaming. Morgan couldn’t find a snake of a size adequate A level. ‘I was always at my happiest when I was making things but
for the task, so she made a model. ‘I’ve got big snakes in the freezer and I was just a bit slow to cotton on to that.’ She grew up in Little
I chop them up and mould them inside these cavities so I know they will Compton in the Cotswolds, with her parents and two older sisters (Emily
fit properly, then I pack them in, pour rubber over them to make a is now an editor on ITV News, and Sophie a teacher).
mould, and make casts out of them. Her mother, Kate, was a secretary and her father, Arden, who had
‘When I first started working with snakes I tried so many different gone to Cirencester agricultural college, worked with animals. ‘We had
techniques, but the best result was always casting them and putting hundreds of angora goats in the fields nearby and he would sell the
them directly into the gaps. Even if I had had a snake big enough, it wool, and then he had llamas briefly but I was never quite sure what
would have been extremely difficult to get them to hold the position I they were for, and eventually they got sold to a circus. Then during the
wanted – when they’re dead there’s no musculature so they just flop.’ BSE crisis he cottoned on to the idea that ostriches were going to be the
But recreating the iridescence of snake scales was a problem. ‘As soon new thing, so he bought a pair of ostriches, but one died. He was eccen-
as I began to paint on a cast it opened up a whole world of opportunities tric and very sentimental and attached to all his animals, and I think
that was his undoing in the end.’
Morgan studied English at Queen Mary University in London, where
she lived in Shoreditch and worked at a bar called the Electricity Show-
rooms – first as a glass collector, then a waitress, then manager. In the late
’90s it was a hangout of the Young British Artists – Tracey Emin, Sarah
Lucas, the Chapman Brothers – and it was where she met Collishaw. ‘Eve-
ryone would come in. Mat was friends with the owner and he was going
out with Tracey [Emin] at the time, and they’d all arrive really pissed and
we’d roll our eyes and think, oh no, we won’t be going home any time soon.’
Polly and Mat were both with other people at the time – but they
stayed friends and eventually got together ‘about 15 years ago’. They
were married in May last year.
In 2004, she did a one-day course with taxidermist George Jamieson,
and that got her started. Some of her pieces were spotted by Banksy, and
in 2005 he invited her to contribute to Santa’s Ghetto, a group exhibition
or a ‘squat art concept store’ he held regularly. The first work she sold
was a white rat curled up in a Champagne glass which was bought by the
art maven Vanessa Branson. There have been many exhibitions since.
The Royal Society of Sculptors show is called False Flags. The work
adorns the vast walls of her studios – vertical rows of false-nail-shaped
snakeskin casts, arranged on a sprue (one of those plastic frames that
modelling parts come attached to; and the packaging for acrylic nails).
They are lined up commandingly in rows of 12, and from a distance look
like bunting, or flags, or small shields. There is something tribal about
them, with their alluring, intricate designs.
The pieces in False Flags will be on sale for between £7,000 and
‘I’ve got big snakes in the freezer and I chop them

up and mould them so I know they will fit’
Morgan sees the bodies as raw material,
‘just like a lump of clay to a potter’

£11,000 (her work has sold for up to £100,000); her co-exhibitor is her women more than men – it’s very painstaking and I think it’s like ther-
close friend Leena Similu, who makes anthropomorphic ceramics. The apy. I don’t have any mental health problems, I can happily say – and I
snake/nail association was an obvious theme, says Morgan. The exhibition think that’s down to creating something every day. That and exercise.
is about sending out signals, to ‘draw parallels between the animal world ‘If you took those two things away, I’d probably be a mess,’ she says
and the way we adorn ourselves with wigs and false nails, appropriation – cheerfully. ‘Wanna look in the freezer?’
that idea of either luring people in, or sending out signals to mislead. The freezer contains a tangle of dead, mostly skinned, partly chopped-
‘I was reading about how snakes camouflage themselves, or mimic up snakes – casualties supplied by professional snake breeders. And an
the design of a more venomous breed to put off predators to make them ice-cream carton containing two deceased bearded dragons (‘I’m quite
think they’re more toxic than they are,’ she continues. There is, for excited by these’). What do her children think about all this? They are
example, a snake called a False Cobra which is basically just pretending unfazed, she says. ‘They get quite excited by the weird parcels I get in
to be a cobra to put off predators. ‘It expands its head in the same way a the post. Mostly they say, can I touch it?’
cobra does, but it’s false – and that’s what the show is about: the oldest She mentions the time when she was asked to give a talk about her
form of appropriation, one thing pretending to be another.’ profession during lockdown, to her son’s reception class, on Zoom.
To experiment, she made an acrylic model of a nail and then stretched Other parents had done the same thing and she was the last up. The
a snakeskin over the top (‘I found this boring old snake in my freezer – it teacher apologised – it was the end of the day and the children were very
wriggly and not sitting down or paying attention.
Until Morgan came on the screen. ‘Now then,’ she said. ‘Who wants to
see some dead snakes in the freezer?’
And they all shouted ‘Yeah!’ and instantly sat down.
Nowadays, when she goes to collect her children, she is known as
Snake Lady.
M
organ has clear views about taxidermy – she sees the bodies as
raw material, ‘just like a lump of clay to a potter’. She is not
bothered about skinning and dismembering animals (and tried
to feed her dogs the raw meat because she’d read it’s the healthiest diet,
‘but they are too domesticated’) but she is, she says, very squeamish
about living things.
‘I remember my dog getting a cut on his leg once, he had a big gash
and you could see the bone and the flesh and it looked exactly like the
cut I would make if I was skinning a fox – but I could barely look at it.
‘It’s amazing to me what vets and surgeons can do, because there’s
such a consequence to their actions. That would terrify me and I’d be
really squeamish about that. [With what I do] there’s no consequence.’
Or rather the consequences are different. Polly Morgan extracts
magic from the macabre – her creatures are preserved in an entirely
new context, suspended in a different kind of reality.
Polly Morgan, OPEN! CHANNEL! FLOW! and Polly Morgan &
Leena Similu, False Flags are at the Royal Society of Sculptors from
27 February to 29 April; sculptors.org.uk. Morgan’s work is also
part of BIG WOMEN, curated by Sarah Lucas, at Firstsite, Colchester,
from today until 18 June; firstsite.uk
was dried up and brown but I noticed it had these incredible scales’). She
made several attempts until she had a perfect one, which she cast. She
then paints the moulds in batches, in designs based on real snakes, but
sometimes taking liberties with accuracy. ‘I don’t have to be too literal.’
‘That’s a garter,’ she says, pointing to a vividly striped sheath, then,
‘that’s an Asian beauty rat snake’, and then another, based on a cobra
hood, which looks like the design on a spitfire fighter plane – almost like
a target. ‘Cobras are not easy to come by and anyway I wouldn’t work on
a deadly snake,’ she says. ‘There are taxidermists in America who have
died working on deadly snakes; if you nick the wrong spot…’
© POLLY MORGAN. COURTESY OF THE ARTIST
In the workshop she shows me the starting point – a white acrylic mould
that looks a bit like a cuttlefish – ‘they come out of the mould pretty much
like that, and then I paint them, in batches. The trick is to add layers of
paint and quite often I will sand bits of it back to reveal the white or col-
ours underneath and use oil to bring out the highlight and lowlights.’
The painting, she says, is her favourite part of the process. ‘That’s the
bit I love. I have friends who are painters and they talk about it in a really
transcendental way and I understand that now. It seems to appeal to
Above: Unite in a Common Goal, 2020. Right: Understand Your Audience, 2021

34
THE TELEGR APH M AGA ZINE
1 1 F E B R U A R Y 2 02 3
Food
‘I’m often

asked for advice
on buying
£15-plus
bottles’
VICTORIA MOORE
O N S P E C I A L-
OCCASION WINES
P. 5 1
VEG YOUR BETS

MARK HIX
Diana Henry’s luxurious dinner-party dishes will please
GET FAMILIAR
WITH FRENCH vegetarian friends and meat eaters alike
CLASSICS
P.4 3 P h o t o g r a p h s b y H A A R A L A H A M I LT O N Fo o d s t y l i n g b y VA L E R I E B E R R Y
The Telegraph’s award-winning food writer Diana Henry on
feeding a crowd of friends with ‘grand’ vegetarian fare

My cooking so far this year Cynical though I may be, Valentine’s lasagne on p41 is primarily bosky, then
has had two aims – to warm Day is, at least, something special. there’s the nutmeggy sweetness of
me and to anchor me. It’s We’re still enduring long dark days with bechamel and the umami hit of strong
amazing how single-minded nothing significant in the calendar until cheese. If you offered me this dish or
you become about warmth. You can’t do Easter. Valentine’s is a celebration of steak with a creamy peppercorn sauce,
much if you’re freezing, including think. love; it might be romantic love (the kind I’d take the lasagne for the layers and
Last night I came home, put a pot of that breaks your heart) but it’s love, the melting softness of pasta.
stock from the fridge on the hob and nonetheless. I think we need a day that The winter pie is inspired by strudel,
added chopped leeks, potatoes, carrots celebrates love between friends. coulibiac and beef wellington. These are
and lentils. There was no sautéing or Friendship is now seen as a factor in our all wrapped in pastry – enclosed in
sweating of vegetables, no attempt to physical as well as our mental health. buttery richness – and built on layers.
make anything beyond basic. I stood at I keep reading pieces about how Covid Traditional coulibiac has salmon as the
the hob in my coat, willing the soup to is still affecting our ability to be sociable star with layers of mushrooms, rice,
cook faster. After 20 minutes, I crushed (I have not been untouched by this), so eggs, onions and dill. I first made the pie
the vegetables with a potato masher and I’m taking the bull by the horns. Instead overleaf only recently, and the contrasts
hugged a warm bowlful. Stews and of celebrating Valentine’s Day I’m going and alliances hiding inside have made it
soups have sustained us this year and to throw a dinner for friends, for the a favourite. I think there are just enough
I haven’t wanted anything more people who sustain us as much as a real elements, but if you want a slightly
complicated. But I’m beginning to miss fire and a big bowl of soup. sweet layer, add pumpkin.
food that’s a bit more luxurious, that’s I don’t want to make a dish for meat The pumpkin dish below – there’s no
taken a little effort. eaters and a different one for pastry, its beauty is boldly on show
Valentine’s is coming up, but I don’t vegetarians, so I’m doing what I think of – doesn’t depend on layers but has
celebrate it these days. I haven’t had as ‘grand’ vegetarian. I know a mixture contrasts: sweet, spiced pumpkin; cold,
butterflies in my tummy over what the of vegetable dishes can constitute a smoky yogurt; hot paprika butter; and
postman might bring since 1981. It was meal and, in many cultures, does. I also robust, slightly bitter leaves.
thrilling to study postmarks and know one ‘statement’ vegetable dish is A celebration of friendship, a dish
handwriting – even taste in cards – easier to make than lots of smaller ones. that’s worthy of it and your favourite
guessing the identity of the sender. More The dishes I offer today are luxurious. people at your table. It’s the best way to
recently, I’ve gone out for Valentine’s Two of them are built, literally, of layers; survive February’s gloom. And you
dinners but never really enjoyed them. you experience contrasts as you eat. The don’t even need to buy a card.
Spiced pumpkin with lentils, cavolo nero and smoky yogurt
Prep time: 20 minutes – 200g puy or black – 1.5kg pumpkin or but not coloured. Add over. Season. Put into Drain the lentils and
Cook time: 50 minutes beluga lentils (black squash, deseeded, cut one chopped garlic the oven and cook for add four tablespoons of
ones are better if you into wedges 2.5cm clove and cook for a 20 minutes, or until extra-virgin olive oil,
Serves 6 can get them) thick, and peeled if further two minutes, tender and slightly the balsamic vinegar
– 400g cavolo nero, leaf you like then add the lentils and caramelised at the tips, and lemon juice to taste,
It sounds like a lot of parts removed and – 20g butter enough water to cover turning the pieces over the dill and some
components but each torn into pieces, ribs – ½ tsp hot and sweet by about 5cm. Bring to halfway through. seasoning. Mix with the
one is simple. You can discarded paprika the boil then turn down Put a tablespoon and cavolo nero and taste
make yogurt smoky – a pinch of chilli flakes the heat and simmer a half of olive oil in a again for seasoning.
by adding a little oak- – 200ml dry white wine For the yogurt for about 20 minutes, sauté pan and add the Mix together the
smoked water (it’s – 4 tbsp extra-virgin – 400g Greek yogurt or until the lentils are cavolo nero. Sauté for yogurt ingredients and
produced by Halen olive oil – 1 tsp oak-smoked tender (they may need about three minutes, season with salt.
Môn and stocked by – 1-2 tbsp white water (more if you longer, depending on then add the rest of the Gently reheat the
Ocado), or just leave balsamic vinegar, think it needs it, but their age, but they must garlic and the chilli lentils and cavolo nero.
the yogurt plain. to taste go easy) retain their shape). flakes. Cook for another Spread them in a broad,
– a good squeeze of – 4 tbsp extra-virgin Meanwhile, cook the two minutes then shallow serving dish.
INGREDIENTS lemon, to taste olive oil pumpkin. Mix together add the wine, cover, Put the pumpkin on top.
For the lentils and – 2 tbsp chopped dill the caraway seeds, and cook for about Spoon over the yogurt.
cavolo nero METHOD ginger, nutmeg and four minutes. Quickly melt the butter
– 2½ tbsp olive oil For the pumpkin Heat the oven to 200C/ olive oil. Put the wedges Remove the lid and and add the paprika.
– ½ onion, finely – 3 tsp caraway seeds 190C fan/gas mark 6. in a roasting tin and increase the heat so Drizzle this over the
chopped – ½ tsp ground ginger Heat a tablespoon of pour the spicy mixture the wine evaporates. dish. The rust-coloured
– ½ celery stick, diced – a generous grating olive oil in a saucepan over them, using your The cavolo nero should butter looks great
– 2 garlic cloves, finely of nutmeg and add the onion and hands to make sure the still seem bright and be against the yogurt.
chopped – 4 tbsp olive oil celery. Sauté until soft pumpkin gets coated all a little ‘chewy’. Serve immediately.
36 THE TELEGR APH M AGA ZINE 1 1 F E B R U A R Y 2 02 3

1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
37
Winter vegetable pie with dill cream

Prep time: 30 minutes, – 100ml dry white wine – 2 tsp German mustard, mushrooms should be add the beetroot. Toss pastry on a lightly
plus chilling time or white vermouth or Dijon if you don’t well seasoned. Scrape this around, adding the floured piece of baking
Cook time: 1 hour – 250g cooked (not have German into a bowl and set aside. paprika and some parchment to a rectangle
40 minutes pickled) beetroot, – 2 small shallots, finely Wipe out the pan with seasoning, then the of 38x18cm, keeping it
cut into 1.5cm cubes chopped kitchen paper and heat sugar. Keep stirring an even thickness, for
Serves 8 – ¾ tsp paprika (you – 2 tbsp chopped dill a tablespoon of olive oil. until you can smell that the base of the pie. Roll
might want more) Sauté the onion over the sugar is slightly out the rest of the pastry
This is a combination of – 2½ tsp soft light- METHOD a medium heat until caramelising. Add the to a 42x26cm rectangle;
a strudel, a wellington brown sugar Put the rice in a pan and golden and soft. Add the vinegar, let it evaporate this will cover the filling.
and coulibiac. The best – 1 tsp cider vinegar cover it with 2cm of garlic and cook for two and taste for heat (the Score this piece with a
thing is to cook the (you might want more) water. Bring to the boil, minutes. Season and stir paprika), seasoning and knife to make a trellis
fillings – except the – 1 tsp caraway seeds then boil hard until this into the rice. sweet-sour balance. design. Keep both pieces
cabbage – the day (you might want more) you can see that the Add half a tablespoon Lastly, melt the of pastry in the fridge
before, then cook the – 300g savoy cabbage, surface has become of olive oil and 5g of the remaining 10g butter in until you’re ready to
cabbage, assemble and quartered, coarse pitted and the water has butter to the frying pan a saucepan that will hold assemble the pie.
bake the pie on the day. central core removed disappeared. Pull the and add the celeriac. the cabbage. Add the When you’re ready,
and leaves cut into pan off the heat, cover it Toss this around over caraway seeds and turn check your various
INGREDIENTS broad strips and leave for 15 minutes. a medium heat until the them over in the butter. fillings are seasoned
– 100g mixed basmati – 600g puff pastry (I use Meanwhile, heat a pieces develop golden Add the cabbage, some properly and take the
and wild rice Dorset puff pastry) tablespoon and a half patches. Add the wine seasoning – you need pastry out of the fridge.
– 3½ tbsp olive oil – flour, for dusting of oil in a large frying or vermouth, bring to plenty of black pepper Position the smaller
– 250g chestnut – 1 egg beaten with pan and cook the the boil, turn the heat – and two tablespoons of rectangle, still on its
mushrooms, sliced 1 tbsp milk mushrooms. You need down and cover. Cook water. Cover and cook parchment, with a short
– 1½ tbsp crème fraîche to get a really good the celeriac until almost for four minutes. Shake edge towards you.
– 1 tbsp chopped dill For the cream colour all over them. tender. Remove the lid the pan every so often. Spoon the rice in a thick
– 1 onion, finely chopped – 300g crème fraîche Season and cook until and turn the heat up Remove the lid. Cook line down the centre,
– 2 garlic cloves, grated – 75g dill pickles, the liquid that comes until the wine has until the water has leaving 2cm uncovered
to a purée chopped (I use Vadasz out of them has evaporated. Transfer boiled off and the at the top and bottom.
– 20g unsalted butter fresh pickles), plus completely evaporated. the celeriac to a bowl. cabbage is glossy (don’t Put the celeriac on top,
– 450g celeriac, peeled 3 tbsp pickle juice Add the crème fraîche Heat another half a overcook it). Set aside followed by the
and cut into 1.5cm – 2 tsp caster sugar, and dill, and taste for tablespoon of oil and 5g to cool. mushrooms, cabbage
cubes or to taste seasoning. The of butter in the pan and Roll out a third of the and beetroot. You need
to form a raised filling,
like a hump.
Using some of the egg
mixture, paint the edges
of the pastry. Place the
larger rectangle on top,
draping it tightly around
the filling to avoid air
bubbles. Gently press
on the edges to seal the
sides and ends. Trim any
excess pastry, and crimp
the edges or press down
with a fork.
Lifting the pie on the
paper, slide it on to a
large baking sheet. Put
in the coldest bit of your
fridge for an hour.
Heat the oven to 210C/
200C fan/gas mark 6½.
Juices may run out of the
pie so it’s a good idea to
put an oven tray under
the baking sheet the pie
is cooking on.
Brush the pie with the
rest of the egg mixture
and make four small
incisions in the top so
steam can escape. Bake
for 45 minutes, turning
it round halfway
through. It should be
golden brown. Let the
pie settle for 15 minutes.
Stir the crème fraîche
to loosen it then add the
other ingredients for
the cream. Serve with
the pie.

40
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
Ultimate mushroom lasagne
Prep time: 25 minutes, For the lasagne a grating of nutmeg in will make your lasagne together until you have check your seasoning.
plus infusing time – 20g unsalted butter, a pan, and heat to just watery. Tip into a bowl. a ball of butter and Heat the oven to 210C/
Cook time: 1 hour plus extra for greasing below boiling. Take off Cook the rest of the flour. Take the pan off 200C fan/gas mark 7.
50 minutes – 30g dried porcini the heat, leave to infuse mushrooms in batches the heat and add the Cook the pasta sheets
– 4½ tbsp olive oil for an hour, then strain. in the same way, adding strained milk a little at according to the packet
Serves 8 – 1.2kg mushrooms Meanwhile, butter an each batch to the bowl. a time, stirring in each instructions, then drain.
(a mixture of oyster, ovenproof dish Add the final half a addition so the mixture Put a layer of sheets in
My idea of heaven. It’s chestnut and approximately 30x20cm tablespoon of oil to the doesn’t go lumpy. When the bottom of the dish,
based on vincisgrassi – shiitake), sliced and 7cm deep. Put the pan and gently sauté the you have combined cutting them to fit; don’t
a rich lasagne that – 3 long shallots, finely dried porcini in a bowl shallots. When they’re everything, put the pan overlap. Cover with a
includes prosciutto and, chopped and pour in just enough soft, add the garlic and back on the hob and layer of sauce and scatter
sometimes, chicken – 2 garlic cloves, grated boiling water to cover. cook for two minutes. heat, stirring all the on some cheese. Follow
livers – but has no meat. to a purée Heat one tablespoon Stir into the mushrooms. time, until the mixture with another pasta layer,
– 250g fresh lasagne of the oil in a large frying Drain the porcini begins to boil and a layer of sauce and a
INGREDIENTS sheets (I use The pan and sauté a quarter – reserving the liquid thicken. Turn the heat scattering of cheese.
For the bechamel Fresh Pasta Company’s of the sliced mushrooms, – and chop them. Put down a little and cook Continue layering,
– 1.2 litres whole milk egg lasagne sheets) getting a good colour all these in the frying pan for five minutes so the keeping enough sauce
– 2 bay leaves – 135g Parmesan, finely over them. Add a little with the reserved liquid sauce doesn’t taste to spoon over the top
– ½ large onion, peeled grated, or vegetarian knob of the butter for and cook until the liquid ‘floury’. Season well and a final sprinkle of
– 12 black peppercorns alternative flavour. Season and has disappeared. Add the and add more freshly cheese. Bake for 40
– fresh nutmeg continue to cook until porcini to the rest of the grated nutmeg. minutes, or until the top
– 75g butter METHOD the mushrooms have mushrooms. Set aside. Add the mushrooms is brown and bubbling.
– 115g plain flour For the bechamel, put exuded their moisture Melt the butter for the to the bechamel. If the Let the dish settle, out
– 100-200ml double the milk, bay leaves, and it has evaporated bechamel in a saucepan sauce seems too thick, of the oven, for about 15
cream (optional) onion, peppercorns and – any excess moisture and add the flour. Stir add some cream then minutes before serving.

42
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
Mark hix
French connections
When I went to catering college in 1979 we Much has changed, of course – British
were taught only French classical cooking cuisine has polished its previously rather
techniques and all the menus were written tarnished reputation and London is one of
in French. When I moved to London two the top gastronomic cities in the world –
years later, nearly all the menus there but we remain familiar with the French
were also written in French, and the best classics. The following trio should be part
restaurants were French-influenced. of everyone’s repertoire.
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3 Photographs by M A T T A U S T I N The Telegr aph Maga zine 43
MOULES MARINIERE INGREDIENTS
– 4 large shallots,

Prep time: 20 minutes finely chopped
Cook time: 10 minutes – 5 garlic cloves, grated
– 125ml white wine
Serves 4 – 200ml fish stock
– 2kg mussels, scrubbed
This recipe is the and de-bearded
simplest and quickest – approx 100ml double
way to enjoy mussels, cream (optional)
but another option is to – 2 tbsp chopped parsley
serve them mixed with
cockles and/or clams. METHOD
I’ve also had great Asian Put the shallots, garlic,
versions. You can add white wine and fish
cream to the classic stock in a large
moules marinière to saucepan. Bring to the
give them a luxurious boil, season with salt and
finish, as I do here, but pepper, then add the
that’s up to you. If your mussels, cream, if using,
mussels have already and chopped parsley.
been cleaned and Cover with a lid and
scrubbed, simply pull cook on a high heat for
out the cotton-like roughly 3-4 minutes,
beards, then rinse in stirring occasionally,
cold water. Discard until all the mussels
any that are open and have opened (one or two
don’t close when you may not, but don’t keep
handle them. cooking just for them;
simply discard the
closed ones). Serve
immediately.
STEAK TARTARE – 50g capers, drained,
rinsed and finely
Prep time: 20 minutes chopped
– 50g gherkins, finely
Serves 4 chopped
– ½ tbsp tomato
Some of the few UK ketchup, or as needed
restaurants that still – 2 tsp Worcestershire
serve steak tartare will sauce, or as needed
actually mix it in front – a few dashes of
of you at the table. It’s Tabasco, or as needed
crucial to use very – 1 tbsp rapeseed or
good-quality beef here, olive oil
and preferably meat – 4 small egg yolks
that hasn’t been hung (optional)
for too long. You can
use fillet of course, but METHOD
the eye of the meat from With a very sharp
a rump or trimmed chopping knife, chop
sirloin are good because your beef as finely
you can cut them with as possible.
the grain then chop – Mix all of the
and the flavour will be ingredients together
far superior to fillet. Or with the chopped meat
go for chateaubriand, (adding the egg yolks at
which I’ve used here. this stage if you like)
It’s about the same and season to taste. You
price as sirloin, and may wish to add a little
a rather overlooked more Tabasco, ketchup
cut that no one tends to or Worcestershire
buy any more. You can sauce; it’s up to you.
serve a small raw egg Divide the tartare
yolk on your steak mixture between four
tartare if you wish, plates or, if you prefer,
or just mix it in with divide it into four and
the meat. push each portion into
a ring mould to make a
INGREDIENTS neat disc. If you want
– 500g very fresh to add an egg yolk now,
lean fillet, sirloin, carefully set one on
chateaubriand or each serving.
rump steak Serve with a leafy
– 2 medium shallots, salad and chips, or
very finely chopped with toast.

CREME BRULEE METHOD This should take about
Put the cream in a 6-7 minutes in total,
Prep time: 10 minutes, saucepan and scrape but it’s important to
plus chilling time the seeds from the get in the corners of
Cook time: 20 minutes vanilla pod into it. the pan and keep the
Throw in the pod. custard moving.
Serves 4 Gently bring to the Pour into a large,
boil, whisking every round, shallow dish
A classic and simple so often to infuse the or individual dishes
French dessert that milk with the vanilla, (you want the mixture
shouldn’t be messed then remove from the to be about 2cm deep)
with. I’ve used Burford heat and leave for about and leave to set in the
Browns here, which give 10 minutes. fridge for a few hours
the custard a really deep, Beat the egg yolks or overnight.
rich orange colour, but and caster sugar When you’re ready
any hens’ eggs will be together in a bowl until to serve, sprinkle the
fine. You can use the well combined, then demerara sugar evenly
egg whites for meringue pour the cream over over the surface of the
or pop them in the them, discarding the set custard. Light a
freezer to use when vanilla pods. kitchen blowtorch
making a consommé. Return the mixture and work the flame
to a clean, heavy- evenly over the sugar
INGREDIENTS bottomed or non-stick until it caramelises. If
– 600ml double or saucepan and heat you don’t have a blow
Jersey cream gently, stirring torch, put the crème
– ½ vanilla pod, constantly until it under an extremely hot
split lengthways thickens – don’t let it grill to brown. Return
– 5 egg yolks boil. While it cooks, to the fridge for 30
– 25g caster sugar give it an occasional minutes before serving.
– 3-4 tbsp demerara whisk off the heat then
sugar, to glaze return it to the heat.

THE W
AY
Ed Cumming W

E
That’s amore?
EA
TN
OW
Valentine’s Day is not easy to love. Sushi is the star
The horror in restaurants is obvi- of one London
ous. Dining rooms become a mon- restaurant’s
oculture of duos, like a mass aphrodisiac-
wedding for the members of a cult. themed platter
Young couples peer around the darkened rooms,
desperate for examples of what they might
become. All they see is a lonely archipelago of
tables for two, populated by the Ghosts of Mar-
riage Yet to Come. The only way to get through it
is to pretend you’re doing it ironically, but you are
still part of the Valentine’s Industrial Complex
and you are fooling nobody but yourselves.
Then there are the special menus. At Alain
Ducasse at the Dorchester, the coup de grâce is
a heart-shaped dessert that splits easily in two,
which is the last thing the Mayfair divorce
lawyers want to encourage. At Soho’s Choto
Matte, a sharing platter has been designed
around ingredients with aphrodisiac qualities,
which apparently means sushi and avocado.
Some at least try to have a bit of fun with it:
at its four London restaurants, Temper offers Chef fantasies. Don’t be put off by the fact that Wonka locked Jackson Pollock inside the fac-
heart and tongue skewers. you have never eaten it, let alone made it. Back tory by mistake. For months afterwards, I would
Shops do their best to put you off, too, with yourself. How hard can it be? Wellington that find little brown daubs where they shouldn’t be.
deals on rosé and chocolate and lobster. The beef. Bake that Alaska. A l’orange yourself a None of this was edible, but it didn’t matter.
worst offender was M&S’s heart-shaped ‘Love little duckie. This is no time for a one-pot won- Humiliation is a great social lubricant and no
Sausage’, a cursed item, possibly dreamt up by der: 14 February is an armistice. For one day, in food is more romantic than toast anyway. This
an abattoir intern on a fag break, the sort of the service of showing off, you are allowed to is the beauty of Valentine’s Day. It doesn’t
thing that might be left at the scene by a serial pile up as many pots and pans as you like. improve your situation at home, but it makes
killer. I haven’t seen it this year, but that This overconfidence has been the source of the outside world much less appealing.
doesn’t mean it, and its imitators, are not lying many of my more memorable cooking experi- Whether you are with a partner, or friends, or
in wait in the chiller aisles. You can’t be too vig- ences. I have served oysters flecked with blood, family, or solo, you can be certain that what-
ilant when it comes to heart-shaped sausages. having repeatedly stabbed my palms with a new ever meal you contrive is not as bad as any-
Yet despite this evidence, I don’t hate V-Day, shucker. No, that’s not Tabasco, darling… thing diners face at restaurants, where they
because it has one redeeming quality. It is the For a group of fellow singletons, I once lurk in the candlelight, looming over their
one day of the year where overambitious event slopped out ‘Swiss soufflés’: little pucks of soggy heart-shaped sausages, wondering where it
cooking (OEC) at home is not only sanctioned cake floating in watery cheese broth. Another all went wrong. Enjoy the free pass. What is
but encouraged. You must stay in, because experiment with spun sugar left the kitchen love if not the realisation that you could have
it’s your chance to indulge your wildest Master- coated in stringy caramel, as though Willy it so much worse?
This week’s
specials…
The latest news and views
from the culinary scene
Remembering Jimi Roe with it Martin’s starting…

A plaque has been unveiled to honour The caviar industry continues to ITV’s James Martin is getting back to
Folajimi – ‘Jimi’ – Olubunmi-Adewole, ignore the cost-of-living crisis. his day job, opening not one but two
a waiter at the famed Cinnamon Club Specialists Petrossian have opened a restaurants at Lygon Arms in the
GETTY IMAGES
restaurant in Westminster, who café in South Kensington, with a menu Cotswolds: called Grill and Tavern.
died after jumping into the Thames to including boiled egg, baked potato and One will be, um, flame-focused, the
save a woman’s life in April 2021. croques… all served with, yep, caviar. other will have more of a, er, pub vibe.

RAI
SI N
Victoria Moore G

A
GL
A wine romance
ASS
The British pursue cheap WINES
wine so keenly that find- OF
ing the most inexpensive
H E W EEK
bottle we can manage to T
‘get down’ could almost be
considered a national pastime. We’re
good at it, too, though of course it helps
that there are plenty of extremely good
inexpensive wines on the high street. As Porcupine Ridge
a result, a mere four per cent of wine in Shiraz 2022, South
the UK retails at over £10, according to Africa (14.5%;
Waitrose, £5.99
market analyst Nielsen, and while there
down from £8.49
is a caveat – as commentator Chris Losh until Tuesday)
points out, ‘the data behind this figure
does not include many independents A steal of a Cape red,
and some online businesses where with dark fruit and
prices are higher’ – supermarkets sell so notes of smoky
much of the wine we drink that it paints bacon, wood spice
a pretty accurate brushstroke picture. and black pepper.
So what happens when you want a
different sort of drinking experience –
let’s call it the full cinematic, rather than
clips on YouTube on an iPhone? Some
stroll down to the cellar and reach for Finest Peumo
one of the bottles their private wine Carménère
buyer Hugo suggested in his latest email, 2019, Chile
or a burgundy they bought years ago, en (14%; Tesco, £8)
primeur. For others, trained only on dis- on) who also like modern classics (Mar- wines from Riecine, Fontodi and Felsina
A rich red that
counts and low prices, there’s very often garet River, South Africa) could check from The Wine Society the moment a
smells of coffee
a system malfunction. I’m often asked out Private Cellar (try Lenton Brae South- new vintage dropped, knowing they beans, black tea,
for advice on buying £15+ bottles, and side Chardonnay 2019 – 13%, £18.50 – wouldn’t be in stock for long (The Wine mulberries and red
Valentine’s Day this week has acted as a with prawn cocktail, or Château Julia Society currently has the beautiful Fon- peppers. It’s great
bit of a prompt, so here goes. Assyrtiko 2021 – 13.5%, £18.50 – with todi Chianti Classico 2019, 14.5%, £22.50; with cottage pie.
Spending more on wine works better crab linguine) and Lay & Wheeler (its I’d pair it with leg of lamb).
if you give yourself time to do it prop- very tempting emails will introduce you Another good website, particularly
erly. Don’t just dump a £15 or £20 bot- to parcels of wine that sell out fast). for more contemporary wines, is The
tle in your trolley at Aldi. If you like Which raises another point: smaller Sourcing Table. Strong on Spain and
buying online then find a website that production wines tend not to be con- South Africa, it stocks a broad range of
Château la
suits you and make time to browse. stantly available, so be prepared to buy orange wines and seeks out wines with Canorgue Rouge
I’ll suggest a few. The Wine Barn is wines you like the sound of when you organic or sustainable credentials. 2020, Luberon,
excellent for those who love German see them rather than when you hope to And, of course, there are local wine Provence (14.5%;
wines. Yapp is brilliant on Corsica, the drink them. For instance, I love Chianti shops. Mine is Lea & Sandeman, which is yapp.co.uk, £17.75)
Loire, the Rhône, southern France. The Classico and once bought a mixed box of brilliant on northern Italy, Champagne
buyers at Haynes Hanson & Clark favour and Bordeaux, but has quirkier wines Scents of tobacco,
wines that are fresh, finely delineated too (like the Quinta da Romaneira wines dried fig, dried herbs
and berries waft out
and fragrant (try Scorpo Noirien Pinot from Portugal, great with steak). If you
of this blend of
Noir from the Mornington Peninsula in For great-value, hard-to-find
hard-to-find bottles have a good wine shop nearby, explore carignan, syrah and
RUBY MARTIN
Australia, 13.5%, £25.30 – dreamy with a that have been handpicked by Victoria it. If you repeat-visit, you may well find grenache. One for
homemade burger). Those with tradi- and our other experts, join our wine club: someone there who learns your taste steak and chips or
tional tastes (Chablis, Bordeaux, and so visit wine.telegraph.co.uk and becomes a personal wine guide. mushroom risotto.

SI T W
EL
William Sitwell
L
S

TI
RS
‘I’m uneasy about pasta in
IT U
P
sharing plates’
Notto Pasta Bar, London
ADDRESS Pasta, in authentic Italian settings, is
198 Piccadilly one part of a meal. Of course we Brits
St James’s
grabbed and bastardised it, making it
W1J 9EZ
nottopastabar.com the whole shebang, and now there are
020-3034 2190 joints where pasta is front, centre, the
start and the finish. Our digestion pays
the price.
STAR RATING And they encourage this at Notto. If
there are two of you they suggest sharing
three pasta dishes. And as adjuncts to this
they lob in crostini and Parmesan butter
LUNCH FOR TWO
biscuits as snacks (although there are
£63.50 excluding
drinks and service
starters like vitello tonnato, chestnut
soup and burrata). So if you want carbs,
this is the place.
Notto started as a London-
only delivery company, one
of several businesses run by
the brilliant chef Phil How-
ard, an exceptional cook,
who ran The Square in
Mayfair for 20 years before
opening a posh place in
Chelsea, another in Barnes
and another in La Plagne, in the French you’re completely exposed to the street. dressing: the food equivalent of having
THE MEN U Alps (which means he has to go skiing But to the food: an early bite of Par- your head pushed into a pile of snow,
Crostini for much of the year). mesan butter biscuits offered an irre- if you like that kind of thing.
• I wonder if Notto is hoping to be a sistible treat. They’re the sort of thing Then came the pastas. Three bowls
Vitello tonnato rollout; open some in London then a I would stalk a waitress at a wedding of pappardelle ragu, squid ink spaghetti
•
few more across the UK before, five for. And as my guest has a dairy intoler- and root vegetable bucatini. Here the
Salad of puntarella
•
years later, finding some venture capi- ance I had to eat all three. sharing concept collapses. I’m uneasy
Pappardelle with talist to take the burden off you in Happy days. And they were better even twisting my fork into my wife’s
slow-cooked oxtail return for a comfy life in a chalet in the than the ensuing crostini which, plate of pasta, and me and Bev hadn’t
and shin of beef Alps with a driveway that has under- heaved variously with minced chicken even got to first base.
• floor heating. liver and mushroom, were obviously So out of my mouth comes my fork,
Squid ink spaghetti Who knows, but here’s the first one: not for sharing and so were too piled and into the pasta, awkwardly decanted
with a sauce of stark, pale, bright, with lots of glass, high and too rich. on to a smaller plate before the next
sardines, garlic, breezy, informal and with elegant ser- I had an excellent vitello tonnato, mouth journey. And we rather felt the fla-
sweet peppers and
vice and not a hint of cosiness. which was a delightful and generous vours then merged into one; well-made
tomato
• If this is a joint for a quick bite at plate, an inviting whirlpool of swirling pastas but alternate mouthfuls of fishy
Bucatini with a lunchtime for office workers around tuna and cream and capers. Meanwhile, squid and beef shin becoming a rather
bolognese of Piccadilly then it’s a considerable leap my guest Beverley was freshening up less distinguished and confused stew.
winter vegetables for the wallet from a sandwich, as the with a perky salad of puntarella with There was one thing I did love,
pasta averages at £13 and they reckon fennel and an anchovy and orange though. Head to the loos and appreciate
ANDREW HAYES WATKINS
you need 1.5 of them and possibly some the collection of chopping boards hang-
crostini. Which isn’t a cheap bowl of Alternate mouthfuls of fishy ing on the wall of the stairwell. They
pasta lunch. squid and beef shin become are beautiful things. Handmade, rustic,
But then neither is this a place to lin- misshapen and worn, they are tactile
ger. With glass covering the entirety of
a rather less distinguished objects, now works of art. Notto needs
one side that looks on to Church Place, and confused stew a dose of their warmth and romance.

54
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
Style

It’s Valentine’s week,
so set pulses racing in
pink and red, says
Tamara Abraham
It’s the colour of danger,
rage and passion, and can
be a potent aphrodisiac
too – we speak, of course,
of red. The red rose is a
token of love, and studies
have shown that those
who wear red in their
dating profile photos are
more likely to generate
a response. That’s why
14 February is the time to
channel your inner
Elizabeth Taylor.
Pink, red’s softer sibling,
is today more associated
with femininity, youth
and romance; but up until
the 1920s it was an
indication of masculine
traits, and it was beloved
HULTON ARCHIVE/GETTY IMAGES
of court peacocks in the

18th century. Given we
might blush when flirting,
pink plays its own role in
the art of seduction. Elizabeth Taylor in 1953

It can have just as
much impact as red:

some of the most £250, By Pariah
outstanding fashion
moments of the last
12 months have been
£310, Lyia
in pink (see Florence
Pugh in Rodarte at the
British Independent
Film Awards, or Elle
Fanning in Armani
Privé at Cannes),
while Viva Magenta
is Pantone’s colour ofo
the year. And it’s not
Clockwise from top left:
just for the ingénues: a model in red evening
it looks so striking gloves in 1966. Marilyn
Monroe in 1955. Nancy
with grey hair, it’s Reagan, 1988. Liz Hurley
with Valentino Garavani
become a favourite with in 1997. Actor Morgan
A-list silver foxes too, Fairchild in 1985.
Victoria Beckham in 2017.
such as Succession’s Lady Diana Spencer, 1981.
Influencer Alexandra
Influencer
Jeremy Strong. Guerain in 2019. Sophia
You may require a little Loren in 1957. Timothée
Chalamet in 2022
courage to embrace the
red/pink end of the £163, Margaux
colour spectrum, but
even a swipe of crimson Dior
lipstick can have a
transformative effeffect.
ect.
Above all, there’s
something joyful
about these tones.
It’s hard to feel
blue when you’re
wearing red or
pink – so whatever
the coming week
holds, these shades
will work for every
kind of Valentine’s £65, Marks & Spencer
celebration.
GETTY IMAGES
Shopping by
Sophie Tobin
Tory Burch £85, Boden
Clockwise from
above left: Jeremy
Strong at the 2022
SAG Awards. Elle
£290, Issue Twelve Fanning at Cannes
last year. Models
c1955. Elizabeth II
and Prince Philip
in 1993. Florence
Pugh at the British
Independent Film
Awards last year.
Paris Hilton in 2001
£245, Etre Cecile
Erdem
£400, ATP Atelier
1 1 F E B R U A R Y 2 02 3 THE TELEGR APH M AGA ZINE 57

58
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
AGE
Lisa Armstrong
LE
S

S
ST
Is this the perfect date
YL
E
night outfit?
(2)
1. Posh Lipstick in Pop, £37,
Victoria Beckham Beauty (1)
(victoriabeckhambeauty.com)
2. Silk shirt, £195, Lyia
(lyiastudio.com)
3. Silk shirt, £230, With Nothing
Underneath (withnothing
underneath.com)
4. Patent-leather shoes, £130,
Boden (boden.co.uk)
5. Bottega Veneta The Classic
mini leather shoulder bag,
rent from £55 a week,
Cocoon (cocoon.club)
LISA WEARS
Silk shirt, £100, Sézane
(sezane.com). Trousers, from
a selection, Sassi Holford
(sassiholford.com).
Patent-leather shoes, £229,
LK Bennett (lkbennett.com).
30 Montaigne East-West bag,
£2,550, Dior (dior.com)
Far right: pearl and crystal

earrings, £145, Soru (soru (5)
jewellery.com). Diamond and
gold hoop earrings, £250 each, (3)
Otiumberg (otiumberg.com)
Right: gold-plated bracelet,

PHOTOGRAPHS BY SARAH BRICK. HAIR AND MAKE-UP BY ELIZABETH HSIEH USING BY TERRY AND LIVING PROOF
£115, Missoma (missoma.com).

All other jewellery, Lisa’s own (4)
When it comes to date nights, the No one promised they’d be the overdesigned black trousers are layered on – and blotted – lashings
inadvertent faux pas can blow up right decisions. the mark of a troubled mind. of red lipstick, a notorious repel-
in your face. How were you to So we – by which I mean the OK, maybe I’m being harsh lent for men who might otherwise
know that their certifiably insane committee of the stylist, photog- there – but have you seen how lunge at your lips on the first date
ex wore the exact same shade of rapher and make-up artist who judgey everyone is Out There? (if you want them to lunge, you can
blue? Or that the person sitting were in the studio with me – came Since we didn’t want to come always surreptitiously wipe it off
opposite you, looking a bit sweaty up with this look, which will across as totally vanilla, we after drink two). If you’re eating,
and swivel-eyed, finds Rouge Noir (hopefully) circumnavigate such included a Dior bag, which might I’d counsel against a bright lipstick
nails triggering? barriers to romantic bliss. weed out some Marxists, although as it can wear off in uneven
Perfume? A Proustian mine- Classic heels that you can walk not if they’re French. If you love a patches, which rather mitigates
field, as anyone who’s read Prince in easily – you don’t really want to fancy bag and you’ve worked your the worldly image you’re going for.
Harry’s book will know. One come off as the kind of person socks off to buy one, why pretend That’s it. Making sure your
sniff of Van Cleef & Arpels’ First who has to be limo’ed to the table. otherwise? Unless you’ve told clothes are all ethically produced
conjured up the corporeal pres- Monochrome outfit, but with the everyone you’re a vegan… As for and avoiding endangered species
ence of his mother so powerfully light colour up top so as not to be jewellery, it’s pretty much what is a good rule of thumb at all
he almost couldn’t cope. too harsh. A blouse that’s not over- you fancy – you need to show times. Good underwear, clean
Shoes? Come on, who hasn’t the-top frilly, but different enough some of your personality. hair, nothing that doesn’t feel
been fatally put off by a potential from a basic that you won’t be mis- Don’t be tempted to overdo the comfortable (all of which still
love interest’s footwear? Super- taken for the staff. Focus on this make-up if that’s not your usual applies to your 900th date with
ficial, yes. But that’s the human because you’re probably going style. Wrong message and no one the same person, by the way).
race for you. We can’t help it. to be seen from tabletop up. Per- wants to get halfway through Ultimately it’s about making an
We’re hardwired to make snap fectly cut trousers but not from the evening and discover it’s all effort – enticement rather than
decisions when it really matters. any obvious designer, because gone to smear. That said, here we grand deception.

FUTU
RE
Jan Masters
PR

O
OF
Soothing rituals to
BE
AU T Y
help keep calm
Adopting a self-care routine anthrop ology at

the University of
This week
can help mental well-being, Connecticut, studies I am mostly...
how rituals impact
as our columnist attests health, and explains our
brains are like predictive
I no longer hide it: I suffer from machines that anticipate
anxiety, an affliction that has what’s coming next. ‘Ritual
truly mucked up chunks of my helps reduce anxiety by providing the brain with
life and barged its way into a sense of structure, regularity and predictabil-
many a beautiful day. It hasn’t ity,’ he said on the university’s news website.
stopped me holding down Apply that to my beauty regime. OK, it’s small Swinging by the Officine
Universelle Buly boutique in
responsible jobs (in journalism) or taking fry, but set within the vast realm of things I can’t
Selfridges London… I love Huile
amazing journeys (travelling to both polar control, it gives my mind a sense of something Antique Tubereuse du Mexique
regions) but often it’s been a right bugger. I can, alleviating some of the angst. (£42, in-store only). Selected
Sometimes, a loathsome beast. Self-care also provides a sensorial sanctu- products are also available at
While mental health issues should never be ary, particularly when it comes to scents. selfridges.com, or check out the
taken lightly – when they start to gain the Lavender, rose and ylang ylang are said to be entire range at buly1803.com.
upper hand, sufferers need to seek professional calming. I love that all three are in Mitchell
advice – I’ve come to realise as an adjunct to and Peach’s Flora No 1 Bath Oil (£46, mitchell
such support, or if you’re managing stress lev- andpeach.com), which forms an exquisite
els that aren’t too severe, positive daily rituals olfactory cloud as you bathe.
can help smooth the path to a better place. Touch is important too and if I’m keyed up,
A simple beauty or grooming routine is a I favour cleansing balms that require mas-
great example. When performed calmly and sage. Find one that you love. To me, The Body
consistently, it can airdrop a little safe Shop’s Camomile Sumptuous Cleansing
space into your day, bringing a number of Butter (from £6, the bodyshop.com) is a
benefits. Indeed, it’s partly because it is super- fabulous oasis of a balm. But I’ve also treated
ficial and undemanding that it’s useful. For myself to a Rhug Wild Beauty Deep Cleansing
me, it’s a ‘quieting’ moment come evening, Balm with Wild Berries (£65, rhugwild Scenting my living space with
signalling it’s time to stop scrolling, searching beauty.com) because it smells like the coun- my fave First Light candle by La
and striving to solve. It’s my psychological tryside distilled into one glorious, gloopy pot Montaña (£39, lamontana.co.uk),
landing mat. It’s like wiping away the day, of wholesome goodness. inspired by the founders’ Spanish
making way for sleep. Dip into tactile textures. Silky facial mountain home. With fennel,
rockrose and rosemary, the room
A morning skincare routine is oils are super-nurturing and Tea &
smells gorgeous, even when the
useful, too. Mental health media Tonic’s Saving Grace Rich Face Oil candle isn’t burning.
site psychreg.org reports that (£48, teaandtonic.co.uk) is blended
waking up to a barrage of digital with British-grown seed oils and an
feeds, emails and texts can ele- adaptogen herb complex to comfort
vate normal levels of the stress and build skin’s resilience. My com-
hormone cortisol. Whereas plexion has a just-back-from-a-spa Above:
choosing what you expose your look when I use this, too. calming
mind and body to – say, a refresh- And that’s another positive. When ylang ylang;
ing facial cleanse, a gentle stretch, a you can actually see results – from Rhug Wild
healthy breakfast – can set a better glowier cheeks to glossier brows – Beauty Deep
tone for the rest of the day. And the Cleansing
it gives you a lift. Is that shallow? Not
Balm with Slicking on CO Bigelow’s
more you mindfully repeat these good necessarily. Nor is vanity always a sin. Wild Berries. Sakura Rose Salve (£8.50,
habits, the better. Because when times feel tough, those Left: lavender libertylondon.com). Great for
Throughout history, humans have per- moments in the mirror give you the oppor- is thought to chapped skin, the multi-use balm
formed rituals, often in religious contexts. tunity to pause. To tell yourself – to your
ALAMY
have relaxing also reminds me of marvellous

Dimitris Xygalatas, assistant professor of face – you matter. properties times working in Japan.

62
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
63
64
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
Richard Madeley

Agony uncle
pretty common human behaviour and

I think you may be reading too much
into your neighbour’s little chest-
prods and arm-strokes. And a few arch
comments – ‘I didn’t recognise you
with your clothes on’ – are hardly an
invitation to spend the night together
at a nearby hotel, are they?
So quite what you’d say to this
woman rather eludes me. ‘Don’t touch
my arm’? ‘Don’t mention my clothes’?
Hmm. You see the potential for
embarrassment, Anon.
Similarly, why trouble your wife
with such a minor matter? Of course,
if your neighbour were to make an
unambiguous pass at you, then of
course you should disclose it and call
a halt to these teatime trysts.
But we’re not even close to that, are
we? It’s just harmless flirting. You’re
flattered, and why shouldn’t you be?
But as long as that’s how it stays –
harmless – take the grown-up view
Dear Richard intent but she seems to do it a lot. Flirting is and dismiss it for what it is. You’ve just
I was quite athletic in earlier life, My wife is back in the office full a common got a bit of unexpected colour in your
and still do a decent amount of time and I haven’t discussed this life. There’s nowt wrong with that.
human
exercise. Middle age has taken its with her yet. I am not at all
toll but I’m still in what I would minded to stray, though I suppose behaviour Dear Richard
describe as pretty good nick. I am flattered to be the object of and I think I am a woman in my early 60s.
During the working-from-home any sort of attention at my age you may be Ever since the technology to do
times I wore my exercise gear for (I’m 58) – but I am also conscious reading too so was invented, my younger
much of the day, scrubbing up of how close we got to our much into it sister has sent me text messages
for online meetings. neighbours during the pandemic, and emails that were ostensibly a
Now I’m back in the office three enjoying a permitted gin and comment on some family event
days a week, and in general that tonic at the garden wall and so on. or piece of news, but which were
suits me fine. Only I think I am So I don’t want to be rude or unmistakably needling and cruel
being pursued romantically by a unfriendly. And I don’t want to in tone. Three years ago, I took
neighbour. On my home-working make a bigger deal of this than it the reluctant step of blocking
days she invariably pops round at warrants. Should I talk to the her number and resolved to have
coffee or tea time. She has made neighbour – or to my wife? nothing more to do with her.
what I would describe as — Anon, Wilts As if on cue, our mother was
flirtatious comments, ‘I didn’t diagnosed with Alzheimer’s
SATOSHI HASHIMOTO
recognise you with your clothes Dear Anon shortly afterwards. My sister,
As long as things don’t move beyond
on’ and so on, and she touches my the flirtatiousness you describe, who lives near to our parents,
arms and chest, which I know is my answer to your double- now goes in to help them out
not automatically a statement of question is ‘no’ and ‘no’. Flirting is for an hour or two each day.
I resumed contact with my sister her unpleasant treatment of you. I’m Treat all Dear Richard
to manage the practicalities of the afraid you’re stuck with it. My husband and I divorced fairly
these barbs

situation. The digs and barbed SO. You have to manage it. You made a acrimoniously five years ago. Our
good start by ‘blocking’ her – I’d have and digs
comments have started up again, done the same, given all those little two daughters, now 15 and 13, see
together with critiques of with the him on alternate weekends. My
poison blow-darts puffed in my
anything I try to do for our direction – but circumstances have contempt concern is that several times now
parents. I understand she is also overtaken you and you’ve had to adapt. they deserve. my ex has introduced the girls to
Here’s what I’d do. Firstly, count
bitching to mutual friends about
your blessings. At least your sister is
Don’t women he’s been seeing – I don’t
how little I am doing – though I taking her share of responsibility for respond think any of these relationships
am doing as much as I can. coping with your mother’s dementia. have been very serious.
The latest thing is that she’s That’s something. Actually, it’s more Obviously he’s got work during
taken to asking me to intercede than something – it counts for a lot. So the week but I do think he might
with our father, suggesting that give her credit for that. just devote his ‘dad’ weekends to
Secondly, treat all these childish
he change his will in our favour the girls – and I don’t want them
barbs and digs with the contempt
– presumably if he dies before they deserve. Don’t respond to them to be confused or upset.
our mother has to go into care, and don’t worry about what others I don’t have much chance of
she will get local authority help may think. People are quite shrewd, forcing him to stop doing this –
with the fees sooner. I find this you know – your friends have any conversation we had about it
morbid and distasteful. probably seen for themselves that would degenerate into a shouting
your sister is pursuing a vindictive
We were always going to have to personal agenda, and quietly match. So is there something
deal with one another at this stage disapprove of all the backbiting I should be doing to ‘prime’ the
in our family story, but I feel my against her own sibling. It’s not girls about these encounters?
sister has trashed our relationship exactly a good look, is it? — Susanna, via telegraph.co.uk
beyond repair. Yet if I distance Thirdly, to your father’s will. You
need to be absolutely straight with Dear Susanna
myself from her, I’ll be letting my your sister. Tell her calmly and clearly The absolutely key issue here is your
parents down. What’s your advice? that you have no intention of talking daughters. If they were upset or
— Abigail, via email to your dad about it. If she wants to do confused by meeting their father’s
that, you can’t stop her – but you’ll girlfriends, I’d hope they would have
Dear Abigail have no part in pressurising him. told you and you would have told me.
First and foremost, there is little or Then continue to do your best for But they haven’t and you haven’t.
nothing you can do to alter your sister’s your mum, and try to find a way of So what, exactly, is the problem? Your
character or behaviour. She is what she mentally compartmentalising your girls have had five years to come to terms
is and at her age – I’m assuming she’s sister’s sniping into a little corral or with their parents’ divorce and they’ll
well past the half-century mark – box. I’d suggest sticking a label on it: be far more au fait with such matters
there’s no prospect of her reviewing ‘Unimportant.’ than you think. They’ll certainly have
friends whose parents have split up and
will undoubtedly talk about how that’s
working out in terms of new partners.
To be honest, I can’t quite see what
the matter is here. Your husband is
perfectly entitled – as are you – to have
partners that aren’t necessarily ‘the one’.
Would it be better if he kept such
relationships a secret from his
daughters? I’m not sure it would. They
may spot telltale signs around the place
– perfume, make-up – that would alert
them to the fact he was seeing someone,
and they’d wonder why he was keeping
that hidden from them. I think the fact
that he’s choosing to be open is far more
healthy than it is unhealthy.
So yes, keep an eye on your daughters
and be alert to signs of distress. If any
emerge, then that would be the time to
talk to him, and them. But not yet.
Have a question for Richard? Write to

Dear Richard, The Daily Telegraph,
111 Buckingham Palace Road,
London SW1W 0DT, or email
DearRichard@telegraph.co.uk

70
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
The way we live now

Keeping it light
How many columnists does it take to change a light bulb? Two: old hand Christopher Howse and young
gun Guy Kelly, who resolve modern ‘which is the right one’ dilemmas with a couple of bright ideas
From Frequently blood, but too bright because the Here’s a position all just the same thing, varied at
Asked Questions: bulb’s too powerful. They tend I’ve quite literally the design stage so we’ll keep buy-
What do I do if I to say things on the box like: just decided on, ing them. It is high time for some-
accidentally break ‘Equivalent to a 60-watt incandes- but will claim is body to stand up to Big Bulb and
a compact fluores- cent bulb’. Yet somehow the scale long-held and say: ‘No. No longer will I flail help-
cent lamp (CFL)? seems uneven. carefully thought- lessly in front of a wall of identical-
Answer: Ventilate the room. Wipe Lumens are the key to bright- out: as with phone chargers and, I looking cuboid cardboard boxes in
the area with a damp cloth, place ness, but there is also a unit called don’t know, currency, there should B&Q, hating myself for not noting
the cloth in a bag, and seal it. Use a candela. I’d thought that was just be one, universal light bulb. down which precise lightbulb my
sticky tape to pick up small resid- an artificial sweetener, but it is Think for a moment about how side lamp takes before I threw the
ual pieces or powder from nearby equal to the good old British can- much better our lives would be. old one away. No longer will I get
soft furnishings, then place the dlepower. One candlepower was For too long, we’ve been trying to home, realise I have the right type
tape in another sealed plastic defined by law as the light pro- discern the subtle differences of bulb but with the screw end,
bag. Place both plastic bags into duced by a pure spermaceti candle between options like ‘crystalline rather than the bayonet, and then
another larger bag and seal that weighing a sixth of a pound and pear’, ‘ellipsoidal reflector’, ‘flam- scream into the dark void of my
one as well. burning at a rate of a quarter of a beau’ and ‘Philips Corepro LED living room. No, no, no.’
I found this advice when trying Troy ounce per hour. Even though 13w (100w) A60, B22 Bayonet Cap, Luckily my foresight is perfectly
to discover how to buy a light spermaceti (oil from whales) is Bulb, Warm White, Non-Dimma- lit, so I can see the backlash com-
bulb. The advice is not a joke, seldom used in my household, I ble, Frosted [Energy Class E]’. ing, from the brightest and best
even though CFLs are perfectly am sure this simple formula will Ridiculous. If we’re honest with at Philips, or Thomas Edison’s
safe. Oh yes. They’re the kind of enable me to find a replacement ourselves, there is no practical descendants, or anyone who knows
bulb that hotels like: too dim to bulb for my reading lamp. need for more than one: they are how lights function, such as elec-
read by. Their best trick is to take tricians. ‘How would having one
time to come on, so that one on bulb work, given a lot of lights are
the landing gives useful light just wildly different sizes and bright-
after you’ve tumbled down the nesses?’ they’d whine, dimly.
stairs after tripping in the dark. Actually that’s a good point,
Those CFLs were the lights we maybe we’ll need to requisition all
were told to use after ordinary lights as well. But no great idea
incandescent bulbs were out- arrives fully formed, and what
lawed, their families sold into symbolises a great idea? A light
slavery, their fields sown with salt bulb. They don’t call it a ‘Corepro
and all mention of their existence LED 13w moment’, do they?
declared a hate crime. This is a campaign I passion-
We have been saved from ately believe in – especially since
obscurantist CFLs by LEDs. I’ve spent the last two months
They’re bright and polite and having to illuminate my bathroom
last for thousands of hours. But with a torch on a string, owing to
they cost a fiver each. It’s as the broken spotlights being of an
though boxes of matches were all obscure type, and our landlord
replaced by silver-plated lighters. flatly ignoring our pleas for help.
So I find it annoying to buy the I am excited. The future’s
ANN MACLEOD
wrong light bulb, as I often seem bright. At least, it would be, if we

to. My kitchen is now like an oper- could find the right thingamajig
ating theatre – not splashed with for the whatsitcalled.

1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
75
76
1 1 F e b r u a r y 2 02 3
*

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11 FEBRUARY 2023

Document: 1001CC-DTMTM-1-110223-A001C-TM.pdf;Format:(230.00 x 270.00 mm);Date: 06.Feb 2023 17:39:55; Telegraph

AGON Y UNCLE Uyghurs’ gruelling

ready pinks and reds feast for friends

A foolproof date-night Vive la France: revisit the

Artist Polly Morgan’s enthralling, unexpected

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Document: 1005CC-DTMTM-1-110223-A005C-TM.pdf;Format:(230.00 x 270.00 mm);Date: 06.Feb 2023 17:52:34; Telegraph

I’ll get myself a smoked before the game, and

Your pet under

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at a site in Ithaca. Here Vaika is trialling an

I do believe this… ultimately be trialled on – and sold to – people.

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Document: 1011CC-DTMTM-1-110223-A011C-TM.pdf;Format:(230.00 x 270.00 mm);Date: 06.Feb 2023 16:54:17; Telegraph

meticulous, 10-part health survey that takes

and his microbiologist wife Tammi have two

that’s a big deal’ The Dog Aging Project’s current dataset of

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small beer. After all, the non-profit Methuselah

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My friends looked horrified by

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He tells me that he pulled apart clearly I wasn’t model-beautiful.

insects as a kid, and when things

were bad at home he’d beat a so small? I feel like someone I

neighbour’s dog with a stick

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Document: 1031CC-DTMTM-1-110223-A031C-TM.pdf;Format:(230.00 x 270.00 mm);Date: 06.Feb 2023 16:44:14; Telegraph

‘I’ve got big snakes in the freezer and I chop them

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VEG YOUR BETS

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Spiced pumpkin with lentils, cavolo nero and smoky yogurt

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