CONTENTS

APRIL 201 5

* COVER STORY
REGULARS
7 EDITOR’S LET TER
8 LET TERS
9 I’D LIKE TO THANK …
1 1 THE FIX
30 HOW TO LOOK LIKE YOURSELF
Cover: Robert Gauthier/ 94 E VENTS
Los Angeles Times/
Contour by Getty Images 1 4 0 STOCKISTS
1 4 6 SALLY BR AMP TON
Hails those who do it their way

24 * THE FILM CLUB

Reese
Witherspoon
“I’m creating
something for myself
– not just waiting for 76 * THE DOSSIER

Small acts
things to happen”

28
FEATURES
MIND EXPERIMENT
We need to rethink the bucket
list. Martha Roberts tells us why
32 NATURAL INSTINCTS
Jini Reddy shows how deepening
our relationship with nature can
be good for us and our world
36 THE DIRT Y ART OF
NET WORKING If you greet
career-related socialising with
dread, Karen Emslie has some
advice for you
4 0 SHARED VALUES
Director of human rights group
Liberty, Shami Chakrabarti
MAIN PHOTOGRAPH:
of kindness
78 KINDNESS WITH STRENGTH It is
often overlooked in society in general
but, Anita Chaudhuri asks, could
kindness actually be the secret
superpower we’re all looking for?
83 HOW TO BE SOFT AND
SUCCESSFUL The power lies in
building a strong core, which allows
us to explore a more open front
84 CAN YOU TEACH KINDNESS?
Author Jenny Hulme thinks you can
– and explains why it’s so important
86 WHY BEING KIND BENEFITS
E VERYONE Three women share their

talks values with us stories with Psychologies

GETTY IMAGES

See page 56 42 MARY FENWICK 90 TEST: HOW KIND ARE YOU

for this month’s Our wise agony aunt tackles RE ALLY? Take our test and discover
subscriptions offer some more of your problems how open you are to kindness

APRIL 201 5 PSYCHOLO GIES MAGA ZINE 3

CONTENTS
APRIL 201 5

FEATURES
4 4 THE AGE GAP There’s much to be gained
from having friends of different ages
48 THE HAPPINESS CLUB This month, our
year-long experiment focuses on connection
5 0 DE ALING WITH A DIFFICULT MUM What if
your relationship with your mother is, dare we
say it, a little toxic? Thea Anderson investigates
55 ILONA BONIWELL
How to help your children gain perspective in 97 THE BOOST
the face of frightening news
98 TRUTH SERUM
59 LOVE E XPERIMENT Find a beauty serum that’s right for you
How do you become a ‘we’ without losing
105 THE BE AUT Y EDIT
the ‘me’? Sarah Abell has some suggestions
Amerley Ollennu takes a more focused approach
60 * GET YOUR SE X Y BACK
With her libido flatlining, Joanne Roeleem 10 6 * TAKE YOUR MIND FOR A WALK
signs up for some eduation in the erotic arts How to keep your brain healthy for longer
109 WELLBEING NOTES
6 4 MY HOME
Photographer Jenny Lewis explains why We herald spring’s arrival with uplifting ideas
she feels so at home in Hackney 111 HYPE- FREE HE ALTH
69 ESTHER PEREL Perdita Nouril looks at the hype around coconut
Why stress can play havoc with your sex life, 113 POSITIVE FITNESS
and how to address this with your partner Why we should stop seeing fitness as a chore
70 * RICH THINKING 114 THE BAL ANCER
What’s your relationship with money? Claire Eminé Ali Rushton gains some insights into
Jagge confronts her unhealthy attitude sleep with the help of Grace Belgravia
75 WORK E XPERIMENT 1 17 THE HE ALTH FIX
Oliver Burkeman wades into the murky Suzy Greaves goes on a retreat in Yorkshire
no-man’s land between work and non-work to try and tackle her lack of energy

119 THE RETREAT

PHOTOGRAPH: BAREMINERALS COMPLEXION RESCUE

If you can’t always find a copy of this magazine

help is at hand. Complete this form and give it
1 20 TURKISH DELIGHTS
to your local shop. They’ll arrange for a copy of each issue to be reserved Istanbul-born chef Somer Sivrioglu shares
for you. They may even be able to deliver to your home – just ask! inspirational dishes from Turkey’s rich history
PLEASE RESERVE/DELIVER PSYCHOLOGIES ON
A REGULAR BASIS STARTING WITH ISSUE _________
127 NUTRITION NOTES
TITLE ................ FIRST NAME ..............................................
Eve Kalinik on finding healthy ‘free from’ foods
SURNAME ............................................................................ 1 28 OLD THINGS, NEW TRICKS
ADDRESS............................................................................. See things in a new light with a few simple hacks
............................................................................................. 134 TR AVEL
✃

...........................................POSTCODE ............................... Jenny Hulme on the joy of a family holiday in

PHONE NUMBER .................................................................. Florida, plus glamping with the kids in France

4 PSYCHOLO GIES MAGA ZINE APRIL 201 5

 CONTRIBUTORS

Kelsey Media, Cudham Tithe Barn, Meet three of the people who have taken part
Berry’s Hill, Cudham, Kent TN16 3AG in the creation of this issue of Psychologies
(01959 541444, email letters@psychologies.co.uk)
OUR TEAM
Caroline Green
Editor Suzy Greaves
Deputy Editor Lauren Hadden Journalist
Art Director Vanessa Grzywacz As well as being an award-winning fiction writer,
Art Editor Lynne Lanning
Associate Editor Anita Chaudhuri Caroline specialises in science and health journalism.
Contributing Editor, Features Elizabeth Heathcote She spoke to psychiatrist Dr Norman Doidge, whose
Entertainment Editor At Large Lorien Haynes new book offers potentially groundbreaking advice for
Dossier and The Fix Editor Ali Roff
Beauty and Wellbeing Director Eminé Ali Rushton how to begin looking after your brain’s future health at
Beauty and Wellbeing Editor Amerley Ollennu any age (see page 106). Caroline lives in London with
Contributing Beauty and Wellbeing Assistant Perdita Nouril her family, and a bouncy Labrador called Monty.
Picture Editor Laura Doherty
Chief Sub/Production Editor Danielle Woodward
Sub Editor Anne-Claire Heels

Jenny Hulme
ADVERTISING & PRODUCTION
Commercial Manager Emma Doran (01959 543706)
emma.doran@kelsey.co.uk
Advertising Sales Anne Fleming (01959 543716) Journalist
anne.fleming@kelsey.co.uk In interviewing people about work and relationships,
Production Supervisor Rachel Dyke (01733 353397)
rachel.dyke@kelseypb.co.uk Jenny often found that childhood experiences, especially
Production Manager Karen Wayman bullying, had shaped their life choices. She began to work
Acting Production Manager Charlotte Whittaker with anti-bullying charity Kidscape to create resources
MANAGEMENT to help 8 to 11-year-olds get more insight into the life of
Managing Director Phil Weeden
Chief Executive Steve Wright their peers and a book, How To Create Kind Schools, is
Chairman Steve Annetts available to parents and teachers from April. Her thoughts
Finance Director Joyce Parker-Sarioglu on fostering kindness in children are on page 84.
Creative Directors Vicky Ophield and Emma Dublin
Retail Distribution Manager Eleanor Brown
Audience Development Manager Andy Cotton
Subscriptions Marketing Manager Daniel Webb
Brand Marketing Manager Rebecca Gibson Jacquie Boyd
Events Manager Kat Chappell Illustrator
Events Marketing Manager Sarah Jackson
KELSEY SHOP A self-confessed workaholic, Jacquie is both an
UK new subscriptions orderline: 0845 872 7385 illustrator and a painter. Originally from the north east
UK new subscriptions renewals: 0845 450 1019 of England, she quit regular married life three years
UK customer services: 0845 872 7388
UK postal address: Freepost RSXY-XXGK-EUYS, Kelsey Media,
ago to live and work from her static caravan in the
Market Harborough LE16 9EF Leicestershire countryside. She still spends as much
Overseas order hotline: +44 (0) 1858 438856 time as she can in the north east with family and friends,
Overseas customer services: +44 (0) 1858 438857
finding inspiration in people and the superficiality of
Overseas postal address: Kelsey Media, Unit 4, Tower House,
Sovereign Park, Market Harborough LE16 9EF, UK modern culture. We asked her to illustrate ‘The dirty
Annual 12 issue rates: UK £46.80, Europe/USA/ROI £62.49, art of networking’ for us – see the results on page 36.
RoW £68.99, kelseyshop.co.uk. Back Issues: 0845 873 9270
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Psychologies is published under licence from Psychologies magazine France.
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Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark and is PSYCHOLOGIES FRANCE PSYCHOLOGIES BELGIUM Editor-in-Chief: Xsenia Kiseleva
published monthly by Kelsey Media 2015 © all rights reserved. Editor-in-Chief: Laurence Folléa Edition Ventures, Chaussée de (xkiseleva@hsmedia.ru) Publisher
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If you have any questions, please ask as submitting your details indicates your consent, Vasiliu (mihnea.vasiliu@ringier.ro) Psychologies Russia, 31 b Shabolovkaya Commercial Director: Alice Ch’ng
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6 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 EDITOR’S LETTER

Get connected
We are lucky at Psychologies as our offices are based in Kent, the ‘garden of
England’, and every lunch hour we get to walk in beautiful fields with Oscar
the office dog. I’m sure that’s why our team are such a happy bunch.
Absolutely, agrees Jini Reddy on page 32 – and not just happier. ‘People who
spend extended time in nature experience a 50 per cent boost in creativity
and high levels of insight,’ she says, writing about how a walk in the wild can
help us all connect with our inner genius.
Connection is the theme that runs throughout our magazine this month.
Our Happiness Club (have you started yours yet? See page 48) invites you to
connect more deeply with the people around you. Why? Research shows that
it will not only make you feel better psychologically but physiologically too
– increasing your immunity to infection and lowering the risk of heart disease.
Perhaps a perfect prompt to get out there and mingle? If you ever feel that
networking is a dark art, then turn to page 36 as three of our writers figure
out how to move and shake – without feeling fake.
If you’re looking to connect with new friends,
read the lyrical piece by Eleanor Tucker on page
44, which looks at how to cast your net wider when
inviting new people into your world, as she discovers
how cross-generational friendships can create more
depth and meaning in your life.
We are exploring kindness as our hidden
superpower this month in our 18-page Dossier on
page 76. Kindness makes us feel happy, loved – and
yes, connected. I found the interview with Jaime
Thurston (page 86), founder of the website 52 Lives,
very inspirational. Her catchphrase is ‘people are
good’. I love this. Imagine if this was the global belief
system that defi ned your actions and your life?
I wish you a kind and connected month.

Suzy Greaves
PHOTOGRAPH: LIBI PEDDER

Editor, with Oscar

the office dog
feedback

Viewpoint
Let us know what you think of the magazine and each month we’ll publish the best letters

STA R LETTER

TINY CHANGES DO WORK

I was spurred to action by your ‘This is your year’
feature in February. The day I read it I was envying
my neighbours, who’d left for an exotic break while
I grumbled about the cold. I realised I see winter
as a test to endure until spring, but fail to make
the most of the beauty that’s around at this time
of year. I cycle to work past a lovely park and my
hours are flexible. So I immediately started taking
time to stop halfway and sit by my favourite
stretch of the river. Now I get to work feeling calm
and energised, just from that tiny change. Jenny

ARE YOU AN ASPIRING PHOTO COMPETITION W INNER

PHOTOGRAPHER?
Would you like to showcase your talents in the
magazine and online? Each month, we’re asking
you to submit your best photo on a particular
theme. We’ll print the winning one in the next
issue of Psychologies and on psychologies.co.uk
the following month and the winner gets a bag
of goodies! The theme we’re exploring next is
‘NEW BEGINNINGS’. Send your photo attached
in an email to pictures@psychologies.co.uk
by midnight on 31 March.

Win!
*FOR FULL T&CS, SEE PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK

THIS MONTH’S STAR LETTER AND

PHOTO COMPETITION PRIZE:

A month’s supply
of Beauty & Go
Drinks, worth £90.
THEME: WINTER
This was taken on 30 December 2014. I enjoy taking photographs of reflections. But
See selfridges.com
on this particular day the pond in Whirlow Park, Sheffield, was frozen, therefore I had
to be content with shadows of the ducks rather than their reflections! Ian Duffy

EMAIL LETTERS@PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK. THE THEME FOR THE NEXT PHOTO COMPETITION* IS ‘NEW BEGINNINGS’. DEADLINE: 31 MARCH

8 PSYCHOLO GIES MAGA ZINE APRIL 201 5


INSPIRED TO
TAKE ACTION
Your feature ‘Found your calling?’ (February)
really made me think. I’ve been planning an
escape route from my career as a copywriter
for years now. Yet technically, it’s been all
dreaming, no real action. I’m a big foodie
and love to cook, and it became clear after
reading your piece that I’ve been stuck in
the ‘I’ll be happy when…’ dream of being a
chef for far too long. It’s time I actually did
something about it. You inspired me to take
action, and I’ve enrolled in a top cookery
class to try it out. I realise it might not work
out, but that’s OK too, because then, at least,
I’ll know. Georgie
YOU’RE MY SLICE
OF HEAVEN!
Psychologies is my monthly indulgence
– my little slice of heaven. I love everything
it stands for. Each page is packed full of
inspiring, uplifting, compassionate and
educational articles that tantalise my
emotions. The fashion tips, recipes, the
funny anecdotes that make me laugh out
loud – they are all reasons why I continue
to purchase this magazine. I always feel a
sense of pride each time I pick it up; female
solidarity. Last year I started cutting out
my favourite snippets, pearls of wisdom,
health tips, inspirational quotes, and
I am slowly creating a scrapbook for my
daughter so that she can one day benefit
from my Psychologies addiction, too. Trish
IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO THANK? SHARE YOUR LETTER OF GRATITUDE BY SENDING IT TO LETTERS@PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK
I’d like to thank…
THIS MONTH’S W INNING LETTER
I’m sitting on the beach looking out at the sea. I notice the sky
is a lovely, bright blue and the sun is shining. After a very tough
and emotionally exhausting year, this feels like the first time
I’ve had to stop and rest, as I’ve been keeping myself busy.
But as I now sit quietly, I find myself reflecting on how much
things have changed over the last year – how I’ve had to change.
I’ve travelled to the South of France alone, which I know
would have worried you greatly. But thankfully, the confidence
and strength of independence that you encouraged in me are
gradually returning. I don’t feel quite so overwhelmed, and
I’m beginning to enjoy everyday things without feeling guilty.
It’s exactly one year since you became ill and I moved back
to home to help care for you. It was almost like the roles were
reversed, and it was my turn to look after you. The trauma and
shock of losing you to pancreatic cancer so suddenly in a matter
of eight weeks is still, at times, such a vivid and painful memory.
However, very gradually I’m finding that the emptiness of loss
is being filled with good memories, peacefulness and gratitude.
Family meant everything to you. Maybe I didn’t always fully
appreciate it but you were always there for me, with the love,
care and empathy you so readily and selflessly offered to others.
I hope that, in time, I can be as strong as you, make you proud
of the daughter who wishes you were still here, to see your
grandchildren grow up. People say ‘don’t take things for
granted’ and to ‘live in the moment’ – it sounds like a cliché
but only now do I appreciate how true this is.
THIS MONTH’S LETTER
OF GRATITUDE WINS…
A year’s digital subscription
to Psychologies, worth £28.99
APRIL 201 5 PSYCHOLO GIES MAGA ZINE 9
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 the Fix News i Reviews i Books i
edited by ALI ROFF

Film i Art i Ideas

‘enjoy life’ print by supermundane

Life insurance can be slightly morbid and unexciting, so we love the idea of turning it into a reminder to live for the ‘now’. These
limited edition ‘Enjoy Life’ prints by artists Rose Blake, RUDE and Supermundane (pictured), have an area on the back that displays
your life insurance details, so they can be easily found. #YOLO For more information, see beaglestreet.com/positive-prints a

APRIL 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 11
THE FIX

BOOK OF THE MONTH SUPERFOODS

We’re guessing you’re probably

THE GIRL IN as bored as we are with each new

‘superfood’; once blueberries,
THE RED COAT currently kale – by now we know;
by Kate Hamer they’re good for us. We get it!
(Faber & Faber, £12.99) But what we didn’t know was all
It is every parent’s nightmare – the superfoods have something in
abduction of a child. When dreamy common* – they all have copious
Carmel goes missing, it sends her amounts of magnesium, which is
mother Beth’s life into a tailspin. Newly vital for a healthy heart, muscles,
separated from Carmel’s father, and blood pressure and sugar. Without
raw with the emotion of that, Beth’s it our body can’t function properly,

72%
days desperately see-saw between causing migraines, anxiety, fatigue,
hope, guilt and recrimination, while insomnia and lack of concentration.
Carmel is attempting to make sense
of the new world she finds herself in.
Taken by a lay preacher who believes OF BRITS STILL FEEL HAND-
she has special gifts, she finds herself
living in a mobile home, and attending
WRITTEN LETTERS** ARE THE
revival missions far away from all that is MOST ‘HEARTFELT’ WAY OF COMMUN ICATING
familiar. Told in two very different voices, – ALTHOUGH MOST OF US ACTUALLY RESORT
this debut is moving, tender and tense,
exploring love and loss from the view of
TO DIGITAL METHODS TO SAVE TIME
adult Beth and her otherworldly child in
a way that’s devastatingly convincing. EF

THE ARTIST’S
WAY
The next time you are
studying, at work, or
learning something new,
try ditching the notes and
picking up a doodle pad
instead. A study† has
shown that drawing what
we learn encourages us
to integrate memories
through organising the
new information into
a coherent structure,
adding it to the existing
relevant knowledge in
our long-term memories.

Dipped twig pencils,

£8.61 a set, Etsy

NEW RESEARCH†† HAS DISCOVERED BEING WIDE AWAKE FOR LEARNING IS NOT THE KEY, BUT THAT NAPTIME IS, IN FACT, VITAL.

12 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 FILM OF THE MONTH

SCHOOL OF LIFE LESSONS

Suite Française
MEMEOIRS. †SCHMECK, A, ET AL ‘DRAWING PICTURES DURING LEARNING FROM SCIENTIFIC TEXT’,
PHOTOGRAPH: ISTOCK. BOOK REVIEWS: EITHNE FARRY. FILM REVIEW: ALI ROFF. *BETTERYOU RESEARCH.

CONTEMPORARY EDUCATIONAL PSYCHOLOGY (2014). ††SABINE SEEHAGEN, ET AL. ‘TIMELY SLEEP

MAGNESIUM OIL RANGE STARTS AT £9.95, BETTERYOU.COM. **RESEARCH (BY ONEPOLL) FOR

FACILITATES DECLARATIVE MEMORY CONSOLIDATION IN INFANTS’, PROCEEDINGS OF THE

Around 40 per
Directed by Saul Dibb
Irène Némirovsky, a Ukranian novelist who lived in Paris,

cent of your daily

died in Auschwitz in 1942. More than 60 years later, her
final novel was published. Her manuscripts lay unread by

actions are based

her daughter for decades, who, thinking the notes were
diary entries, felt them too painful to read. When she did,

on habits. Master
she realised her mother had written the first two parts of a
planned five-part novel. Published as the acclaimed Suite

these habits and

Française, it has now been adapted into a film of the same
title, telling the story of Lucile Angellier (Michelle Williams),

you’ll master wife of a French prisoner-of-war living with her hardhearted

NATIONAL ACADEMY OF SCIENCES, 2015

mother-in-law, until their home is intruded upon by a

your life.” German officer (Matthias Schoenaerts), albeit a polite and

Susanna Halonen
Susanna Halonen is a happiness coach and founder of
Happyologist. She is teaching ‘Creating Good Habits’
at The School of Life on 14 April, theschooloflife.com
handsome one. Slowly her life unravels as the pressures of
war ravage her small town. As secrets come out, and her
alliances shift back and forth between allegiance to France
and to the man she loves, Suite Française tells a captivating
story, interwoven with the idea that love knows no bounds,
demanding an answer to the question ‘what would you do?’ AR

SLEEPING WAS FOUND TO BE CRUCIAL FOR LEARNING, SO THERE IS A LOT TO BE SAID FOR THAT BOOK BEFORE BEDTIME AFTER ALL

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 13
THE FIX

6 THE NUMBER
OF HOURS, ON
AVERAGE, THAT BRITISH
WOMEN SPEND ALONE
EACH WEEKDAY*
DISAGREE? TWEET US
@PSYCHOLOGIESMAG
GIFT OF THE GAB
NEW H A R DBACK S Ever feel guilty for gossiping with
friends? Don’t be. It turns out having
a chinwag about others can help us
Landmarks by Robert reflect on ourselves**, with positive
Macfarlane (Hamish Hamilton, £20) gossip prompting self-improvement,
Concerned by the disappearance of Retro telephone and negative gossip heightening our
in French Blue,

95%
outdoor words from the Oxford Junior £39.95, Cuckooland
alertness and self-preservation.
Dictionary, Macfarlane embarks on
an endeavour to rediscover beautiful
vocabulary for land, weather and wildlife
from our forgotten dialects and shows
we can make the world afresh through
the enchantment of words.

Get In Trouble by Kelly Link

(Canongate, £14.99) OF BRITS BLAME THEIR
Superheroes and sidekicks, ghosts, evil COLLEAGUES AS THE
REASON FOR LOSING
twins, The Wizard Of Oz, how love can
haunt you in the most surprising ways
– these are just a few of the magical WILLPOWER WHEN IT COMES
things in Link’s brilliantly off-kilter tales.
She sends the world of popular culture
TO EATING HEALTHILY †
spinning off in directions so unexpected
they take your breath away or make you
laugh at their familiar strangeness.

Our Endless Numbered

Days by Claire Fuller (Fig Tree, £14.99)
This debut is a dark fairy tale, spiriting us
from London to the shadowy heart of a
remote Eastern European forest – new
home of eight-year-old Peggy and her
survivalist father, who thinks the end Aluminium
of the world is nigh. A riveting read that lunchbox and
bamboo lid,
glimmers with madness and all the £24, Black+Blum
makings of a not-very-happy ever after. EF

‘NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT’ – ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

14 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 CULTUR E

FULL MOON
One of a new collection of over
260 photographs captured
around the world by British
photographer Darren Almond,
all illuminated by the moon at
its fullest, this mesmerising
image was taken
in Tasmania in 2013.
‘Darren Almond. Full Moon’
edited by Hans Werner Holzwarth
(Taschen, £44.99)

BOOKS TO SOOTHE THE SOUL

‘TELL ME THE GOSSIP’. PERSONALITY AND SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY
BULLETIN. †RESEARCH CONDUCTED BY UPBEAT FOR FRANK PR
BOOK REVIEWS: EITHNE FARRY. *REPORT BY ACTICHECK, A TECH

SMARTBAND, THE ASSURE. **MARTINESCU, E, ET AL (2014).

COMPANY DEVELOPING A MONITORING PERSONAL ALERT

WE LOVE: Girl In The Dark by Anna Lyndsey (Bloomsbury, £16.99)

OUR FRIENDS AT RADIO 4 TELL US WHY THIS NOVEL WILL MOVE YOU:
‘A decade ago, Anna Lyndsey developed a sensitivity to light so extreme that she has to
spend much of her life in total darkness. In her beautifully written memoir she recounts
how she has adapted,’ explains producer Elizabeth Allard. ‘Long shapeless days are spent
in her blacked-out room where invented games and Radio 4 are the only ways to pass the
time. Simple activities like making a cup of tea must be relearned. At times, her condition
abates and she can make cautious forays outside at dawn or dusk where she finds new ways
to wonder at the world. Her honesty and determination to remain upbeat in the face of
adversity are deeply affecting. A moving and uplifting listen.’
‘Girl In The Dark’ will be a BBC Radio 4 Book of the Week from 2-6 March. You can catch up on iPlayer for 30 days
after broadcast. Abridged by Julian Wilkinson and produced by Elizabeth Allard. Go to bbc.co.uk/books for more

HOT, HONEST, ENJOYABLE SEX AND WHAT TRUE INTIMACY MEANS; DON’T MISS OUR GROWN-UP SEX DOSSIER IN NEXT MONTH’S ISSUE…

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 15

HOW TO…
Create good habits
Research shows that around 40 per
cent of our behaviour is repeated
almost daily. ‘Habits are the invisible
architecture of our lives,’ says Gretchen
Rubin, author of Better Than Before.
She insists that only by getting to know
ourselves will we be able to create a new
supportive architecture of habits in our
lives. Discover what drives you. Are you:
● An upholder: ‘I do what others expect
of me and what I expect from myself.’
PHOTOGRAPH: PASCAL PRETI/ GETTY IMAGES
● A questioner: ‘I do what I think is best.
If it doesn’t make sense, I won’t do it.’
● An obliger: ‘I do what I have to. I hate
to let others down, but I let myself down.’
● A rebel: ‘I do what I want. If you tell me
READ MORE: ‘BETTER THAN BEFORE’ BY GRETCHEN RUBIN (TWO ROADS, £16.99), IS OUT NOW
to do something, I’m less likely to do it.’
If you’re an upholder, try scheduling.
Set a specific regular time for your
habitual activity, then repeat. Habits
grow strongest and fastest when they
are repeated in predictable ways.
If you’re a questioner, get clarity. The
clearer you are about what you value
and what you expect from yourself, the
more likely you are to stick to habits.
If you’re an obliger, take responsibility.
If we believe someone is watching,
we behave differently. Tell people your
goals and make yourself accountable.
If you’re a rebel, challenge what you
tell yourself. Switch, ‘I’m lazy’, to: ‘If I say
THE FIX
I’ll show up, I’ll show up.’ Then try this:
1. Monitor progress. Be specific about
what habit you are monitoring. Keeping
close track of your actions, such as
eating, drinking and exercising, brings
self-awareness, then control.
2. Create a foundation of good habits
that reinforce each other – for example,
exercise helps people sleep, and sleep
helps people do everything better.
Tackle the four areas that boost feelings
of self-control: sleep, exercise, eating
and drinking well and de-cluttering.
3. Treat yourself. Studies show people
who received a surprise gift or watched
a funny video gained in self-control.
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 17
 THE FIX

BOOK CLUB

These
fragments
Former charity CEO Kate Gross
might have been dying of cancer,
but her story is all about life,
says Lauren Hadden

R
eading Kate Gross’s heart-stopping,
hankie-soaking, true, sad and funny book
Late Fragments (William Collins, £14.99),
you begin to see an hourglass timer in your head,
the sands slipping inevitably through the narrow
channel. Kate’s time was running out as she wrote
– she had advanced colon cancer at the age of 34 –
but she was determined to get her thoughts about
life, love and the universe down on paper before she
left the stage. She was writing primarily for her
five-year-old twin sons, but it’s a story that we can
all benefit from, because much as we might ignore
it, the sands of time are always running for us, too.
This is not a book about being ill. It’s not even,
really, a book about death. It’s a book that, in every
page, lives and breathes the wise old lesson we
often learn too late – that dying teaches us how
to live. It does that not with soulful platitudes, but
with blunt honesty laced with a wicked sense of
humour. I imagine, if you knew Kate, that it would
sound exactly like her.
Kate died on Christmas morning last year, but
her words are still with us. And if you choose to
read them now – to stick with the scary thought of
being in her shoes – you might find you learn some
useful life lessons while you’ve still got your life
before you. As well as living on in the memories of
her family, friends and the people whose lives she
changed through her work, Kate has left a gift for
PHOTOGRAPH: MARK SWALLOW/GETTY IMAGES

anyone who chooses to pick up this book. It is

the gift of wonder, if only we can find it, and the
reminder that no matter what happens to you,
‘you are the captain of your soul’. It’s you that gets
to choose how you react to whatever happens to
you in life. So, first, read her wise words. Then go
give your life meaning – your way.

NEXT MONTH, A MEMOIR OF MARRIAGE: LEAVING BEFORE THE RAINS COME BY ALEXANDRA FULLER (HARVILL SECKER, £18.99)

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 19
 .CO.UK
For tests, tips, events, advice and articles to help you get more from life

3 ways to feel more

balanced every day
Beauty and wellbeing director
Eminé Ali Rushton shares easy
tips for finding daily balance.
1 Start the day with water. Water is a
link back to the womb, when you were
weightless, supported, peaceful. The
pulse of water upon our skin as we
shower is a crucial wake-up call.
2 Give yourself a pat on the back. Set
aside 10 minutes every evening to
think about what you achieved that
day. At the week’s end, remember
those small steps of progress.
3 Set a time to switch off and do one
thing that relaxes you before bed – a
good novel, an oil-scented bath, Radio
4’s Book At Bedtime. Studies show
nothing is more effective in being able
to reset and optimise our body’s clock.

sleep habits stay cool when triggered

Compare the UK to other nations
In Canada, 17 per cent of people sleep
with socks on, 37 per cent of Germans
sleep with the curtains open, and in
the UK, 30 per cent of us sleep naked.
How do your sleep habits compare?
Find out at psychologies.co.uk/
galleries/sleeping-habits-around-world
Career coach Obi James offers tips to keep calm at work:
1 Know yourself. Identify your values and look out for situations where
they are stepped on, so you can practise ways to deal with them. 
2 Pre-empt your reaction by recognising your physical warning signs
(speeding heart rate, fists clenching), so you can take control.
3 Calm yourself down. Deep breathing delivers more oxygen to our
brain. This helps us to calm down, so we can take a break from the
stress and give our brain time to engage and plan our responses.

Visit lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk where, this month, our experts will be blogging

life lab
and vlogging about aligning kindness with strength.
photograph: corbis

FOLLOW US:
Twitter @PsychologiesMag ■ Facebook.com/psychologiesmagazine
 Monochrome
THE FIX
wool coat,
£229, Jigsaw
Sweatshirt,
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2NDDAY

Culottes,
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Check
dress, Shirt, £35;
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Zara £59, both £255, Prism
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ST Y LE

Black
and white
Tote bag,
£17.99,
New Look
Crescent bib
necklace, £125,
It can be tempting to wish for Jennifer Loiselle
simplicity; too many choices can at Boticca
make decision-making challenging,
and choosing the right path can
seem convoluted and complicated
when faced with difficult dilemmas at
work or home. But there aren’t many
moments in life that are black and
white with no grey areas. So when
our busy minds are dominated by Point back heels, £545,
murkiness, reaching for the simplicity Christian Louboutin at
WORDS: ALI ROFF. COMPILED BY BONNIE
RAKHIT. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140.

of a black and white wardrobe might Matches Fashion

be the easiest way to start your day.
Marbled Set an affirmation of clarity and ease,
silk scarf,
£120, and mix-and-match a fantastically
Sportmax undemanding monochrome look.

‘LIFE ISN’T BLACK AND WHITE. IT’S A MILLION GREY AREAS, DON’T YOU FIND?’ RIDLEY SCOTT

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 21
 THE FILM CLUB

Award-winning actress Reese Witherspoon

talks to Karen Kay about making brave choices

Reese
and taking her career to the next level

WITHERSPOON
“How many times will you see a film
like Wild, where the woman ends up
with no man, no money, no family,
but she still has a happy ending?”
PHOTOGRAPHS ROBERT GAUTHIER/LOS ANGELES TIMES/CONTOUR BY GETTY IMAGES

22 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E M A R C H 2 0 1 5
 the film club

>>>
As a diminutive former cheerleader from aware how fortunate I am to enjoy this kind of life. I’m grate-
Nashville, with a Southern drawl and wide smile, Reese ful for my success, but I’m even prouder to be able to have a
Witherspoon might have been labelled ‘too blonde’ at various wonderful home and family around me.’
points in her life. Yet, just like Elle Woods, the fashionista- That family now includes her second husband, talent-agent
turned-law student she played in Legally Blonde, the 39-year- Jim Toth, who she married in March 2011 at her California
old actress has fought against stereotype. With her recent ranch, and their two-year-old son Tennessee. Contentment
career choices, we’ve seen her leave behind her comfort zone in her personal life fuelled her to pursue similar satisfaction
of commercially successful chick-flicks to become a in her professional life, actively seeking grittier, charac-
Hollywood ‘power player’. ter-driven projects. It came after a period where Witherspoon
‘My frustration had been building up over a period of time,’ confesses she felt ‘lost as an artist’. But in the last year, she
she says, contemplating her career leaps. ‘Even though I has enjoyed a string of critically acclaimed productions both
didn’t know exactly what types of projects I wanted to make, in front of the camera and as a producer.
I knew I wanted to find and develop movies with strong and
dynamic female characters.’ Actress and producer
It has been a bumpy ride for the actress; she enjoyed pheno- ‘I feel very good about my work. I’m very excited about what
menal box office success with her 2001 breakthrough role in I’m doing as a producer and being part of Gone Girl and other
Legally Blonde followed by Sweet Home Alabama soon projects. It’s a lot of work, but there’s so much satisfaction
afterwards. The potential to be typecast was clear when the knowing that you’re creating something for yourself and not
press dubbed her ‘the new Meg Ryan’. just waiting for things to happen.’
In 2007, Witherspoon split from her Witherspoon had initially hoped to
husband of nine years, actor Ryan play Amy Dunne in Gillian Flynn’s big
TH E FILM
Philippe, who she’d met at her 21st bir- screen adaptation of her bestselling
thday party, amid allegations of his THE GOOD LIE thriller Gone Girl, but even as a produ-
chronic infidelity. Their acrimonious Witherspoon’s latest tells the story cer on the high-profile project via her
divorce took its toll and Witherspoon of Sudanese war orphans as a own production company, Pacific
stepped back from Hollywood to focus humanitarian effort offers 3,600 lost Standard, she didn’t dare pull rank on
on raising their children, daughter Ava, boys and girls a new life in the USA. director David Fincher. ‘Whenever
now 15, and son Deacon, 12. Witherspoon stars as employment David Fincher says he wants to do a
However, she still actively sought agency counsellor Carrie Davies, project, you just sit back and say,
roles that would give her the chance to alongside Sudanese actors (some “Whatever you want to do”,’ she laughs.
stretch and demonstrate range in her of whom were also children of war), ‘We had a long conversation where he
acting ability and, three years later, in including Arnold Oceng, Ger Duany, was like, “You’re not right for it. And
2010, her determination paid off when Emmanuel Jal, and newcomer Kuoth this is why.” And I actually completely
she won an Academy Award for her Weil. A poignant tale of the innocent agreed with him.’
emotive portrayal of country singer victims of conflict, striving to find a The coveted role eventually went to
June Carter Cash opposite Joaquin place in society, The Good Lie has at British actress Rosamund Pike, who
Phoenix in Walk The Line, performing its heart the warmth and generosity starred opposite Ben Affleck and won
her own vocals and wooing even the of humankind, set against a backdrop BAFTA, SAG and Academy Award
most devoted of country music fans of brutality. As Davies finds herself nominations for her performance.
with her authentic singing voice. unexpectedly emotionally attached to Meanwhile, Witherspoon ended up
As a nursing professor, her own her charges, she enlists the help of her nominated alongside Pike for her work
mother was a powerful role model, says boss, Jack (Corey Stoll) to help them in on another acclaimed project, this
Witherspoon. ‘My mom was my inspi- more ways than her professional remit time as producer and leading lady.
ration because she was very hard- entails. These unlikely strangers find Witherspoon set herself the challenge
working and disciplined – I get my work friendship, humour and affirmation of playing Cheryl Strayed, author of the
ethic from her. That’s why I never take amid a clash of cultures and the bestselling 2012 memoir Wild, which
my career for granted and I am very challenges of building new lives. documented her soul-searching

24 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 Starring as Carrie in The Good Lie, who helps settle In the 2014 film adaptation of Cheryl Strayed’s memoir
Sudanese refugees into a new life in America Wild, for which Witherspoon received an Oscar nomination

Portraying Elle Woods in her breakthrough Starring – and singing – as June Carter Cash
role in Legally Blonde in 2001 in 2009 with Joaquin Phoenix in Walk The Line

1,100-mile solo trek along the Pacific Crest Trail on the Strayed’s book told the tale of a woman attempting to find
American west coast. her true identity after going through some tough emotional
‘I was looking for a project that had a strong female charac- challenges, but doing that story justice was going to prove
ter. I wasn’t very happy with a lot of the scripts I had been physically challenging for Witherspoon. ‘The first day of
reading and the kinds of projects I was being offered, so I shooting I was freezing,’ she recalls. ‘I went back to my hotel
decided to find something on my own. There are so many inte- and called my husband and complained to him, “I’m not going
resting and powerful female-driven stories out there waiting to be able to handle this. This is too cold.” He just said to me,
to be told. I read Cheryl’s novel before it even came out and as “When you sign on to do a movie called Wild – a movie about
soon as I finished it, I knew that this was something I had to a woman hiking over 1,000 miles – did you think that that was
do even if it scared me. The next morning, I called my agent going to be fun?”’
and said: “I need to speak to this woman right away. Her book ‘I don’t want to compare anything I had to deal with to what
PHOTOGRAPHS: REX FEATURES

is extraordinary.” It was such a powerful and beautiful story
of a woman who saved herself,’ she explains. ‘We had a great
chat. I felt that I had gotten to know Cheryl and that I wanted
to turn her story into a movie. I wanted to do it in a way that
would honour her journey and her struggle.’
Cheryl lived through,’ says Witherspoon. ‘But, for me, it was
by far the hardest movie I’ve ever made. We were shooting in
remote locations and the crew was slogging lots of heavy
equipment just as I had to carry a backpack. Jean-Marc
[Vallée, the French Canadian director] actually made me >>>

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 25
 the film club
“ It was exciting
to play a woman
who took charge
of her life in such
”
a dramatic way
>>> carry a heavier, 65lb backpack as opposed to the 45lb one
I had on at first – and if you see me grimacing while I’m
carrying that backpack around in the movie, I can tell you
there wasn’t a lot of acting involved in that!’
There were emotional challenges, too, when the actress
was faced with shooting explicit sex scenes. ‘I nearly backed
out of the movie when I started thinking more and more
about how I was going to do those scenes. I’ve never done sex
scenes like that before, and I was feeling a lot of anxiety the
closer we came to starting production. I even called my
lawyer and told him that he had to get me out of the movie
because I didn’t feel I could do it. I was frantic with worry and
told him: ‘I can’t make this movie. I’m going to have to be
more raw, more emotional, more sexually explicit than I’ve
been in any movie.’
Raw and honest
Fortunately, her lawyer knew her well, and calmed her down
enough to talk through the scenes with her husband and
some close friends. ‘I decided that after feeling unhappy with
a lot of the work I had been doing, that this was the kind of
role I had been looking for, so I had better toughen up and get
on with the job.’
‘Too often, women are made to feel ashamed of their sexual
behaviour. Society still attaches a lot of stigma when it comes
to women who are very free about sex or having many rela-
tionships. It’s just such a liberation I think, particularly for
young women, to know that it’s really OK to have these explo-
rations. And it was so exciting to play a woman who took
charge of her life in such a dramatic way. How many times
will you see a film like Wild where the woman ends up with
no man, no money, no family, no opportunity, but she still has
a happy ending?’
‘This incredible physical journey was Cheryl Strayed’s pro-
cess of healing herself and saving herself from everything
that had gone wrong for her. You truly appreciate that kind of
determination and resolve, and it makes you never want to
complain about anything ever again. I feel very grateful for
all the good things that are part of my life.’
26 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
While Wild portrayed one woman’s struggle to redefine
herself on a solitary hike and rebuild a broken life,
Witherspoon’s latest film, The Good Lie chronicles the har-
rowing true story of ‘the lost boys’ – thousands of children
orphaned in the Second Sudanese Civil War, who trek hun-
dreds of miles to an Ethiopian refugee camp as they attempt
to rebuild their own lives.
The Good Lie focuses on four of these children, and follows
them as, years later, they are selected for resettlement in the
USA. When they arrive in Kansas, they are met by Carrie
– played by Witherspoon – who is tasked with finding them
jobs in this strange new world and supervising them as they
make the transition to their life in America. Again, the project
had a profound effect on Witherspoon, and she hopes it will
do the same for others.
‘There are so many times you think you appreciate your life,
but then you see someone else’s perspective on our privileges
and the opportunities we have, whether it’s education, health-
care, food or running water. One of my favourite scenes is
when [one of the refugees] is running his hands under the
water tap and he’s turning the water on and off after they’ve
walked through the desert and been without water and food
for days. I thought it was a great message for families. It’s
important to say that I think it’s great to take your kids to see
this movie. It brings up a lot of dinner table conversations that
we should all be having. And yeah, I’ll take my kids.’
In fact, when Witherspoon visited a refugee camp in sou-
thern Sudan as part of her research for the role, she took her
daughter with her. ‘Ava is a wonderful, socially conscious girl,
but even a kid that reads a million books about a situation
doesn’t understand it until they see it for themselves. I was
very lucky that the organisers let her come, because she is a
little young to be on one of these trips – she’d just turned 14.
It was amazing. She didn’t say a word the whole day. Then, she
really didn’t talk about it until a couple of days later.
‘We saw women giving birth on metal tables with their
infant laying there with no clothes on, kids that were sick, and
children her brother’s age sitting on concrete slabs and slee-
ping with seven other brothers and sisters. I think seeing the
conditions was one thing, but the other really remarkable
thing about it is witnessing the joy and the determination of
these people to rise above their situation, and their determi-
nation to have a better life for their children.
‘Their spirit was just incredible. They greet you with smiles
and laughter and hugs and dancing. It’s definitely going to
affect her for a long time – as it does for me as well. It created
consciousness, awareness and hopefully a feeling of wanting
to give back. I think travel like that can be the antidote to any
kind of selfish behaviour.’
 the film club

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 27
the life lab

THE MIND EX PER IMENT

Rethink the bucket list

Every month, Martha Roberts invites you to road-test research around feeling good

1 THE PROJECT
Having the ‘wrong’ ambitions on your bucket
list may leave you feeling socially isolated.

2 THE AIM
To create a life’s desire ‘to-do’ list that
won’t leave you feeling isolated

3
or unhappy.

THE THEORY
A 2014 survey of 2,000 people found that the
average person holds 16 key dreams they want
to achieve in life, ranging from having a holiday
home abroad, to learning to play an instrument

4
to skydiving. So what’s wrong with that? Surely
the pursuit of adventure, excitement and
glamour can only bring positives with it? It
seems not – in fact, the emotional costs of
our wildest bucket-list experiences could end
up making us feel socially isolated.
In a 2014 study published in Psychological
Science, Cooney, Gilbert and Wilson found that
while extraordinary experiences of the type
crammed onto bucket lists may be pleasurable
in the moment, they can leave us socially worse
off in the long run. Although we appreciate ‘fine
and rare’ experiences that we can tell friends
about, it’s ‘ordinary topics’ that conversations
thrive on and the ‘extraordinary experiences’
TRY IT OUT
● Choose list items to ‘connect’. Pick items that
connect you to something larger than yourself
(for example, taking the family on a cruise).
‘Such items are more important for a fulfilled life,’
said the late Christopher Peterson, professor of
psychology at the University of Michigan.
● Remember, a bucket list is about living, not
dying. Peterson advised applying the criterion: if
you knew with certainty you would die tomorrow,
what would you do today? Would you really
spend your last day getting a different hair colour
ILLUSTRATION: ROSE BLAKE/CENTRAL ILLUSTRATION AGENCY

that may, actually, end up ‘having more costs
than benefits’. Experts say a bucket list should
be more about meaningful connection to
other people (which is scientifically proven
to increase our happiness), and less about
inward-looking acts that may exclude
others and possibly lead to feelings of
isolation and disconnection. healthwise.com
or a tattoo? Think quality rather than quantity for
your bucket list ambitions – for ‘quality’ think
MARTHA ‘something that really matters to me’.
ROBERTS
● Choose things within your sphere of influence.
is an award-
winning UK Although you might love a trip into space, this is
health writer
and mental unrealistic; choose things you can achieve.
health blogger ● Rethink your time frame. We’re living longer so
at mental
perhaps we should do a bucket-list time review.

JOIN US! TELL US ABOUT YOUR BUCKET LIST AT FACEBOOK.COM/PSYCHOLOGIES OR ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG

28 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 Fast & effective mouth ulcer relief
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style

how to look lik e yourself

“I don’t like rules - I like

to do my own thing”
Image expert Mandy Lehto talks non-conformity, wigs and the courage
to dress like yourself with Jenny Hurren, co-founder of Out There Interiors
PHOTOGR APHs KI PRICE

J
enny Hurren, 32, co-founder of Out There Interiors, says
she doesn’t have one particular style: ‘I love so many
things. The idea of sticking to one look feels limiting.’ Her
look is a fusion of pieces she’s found on eBay, in charity and
vintage shops and on the high street. ‘My clothes need to be ‘I dare to dress
affordable, comfortable and a little out there.’ She plays with the
for myself, and
unexpected – both in clothes and the way she chooses furnishings.
‘I love ornate French beds, but don’t want the whole look so I’d
I hope I can
team the bed with an industrial lamp. That gives me creative free- inspire others
dom to add quirky accents and the look still hangs together,’ she to dress for
explains. She does the same with clothes, mixing a leopard print themselves’
with something basic, such as trainers. ‘The trainers ground the
print,’ she adds. ‘Otherwise it can be a bit much, especially for day-
time.’ Brightly coloured Mary-Jane shoes are another favourite.
She mixes them with dresses in non-matching colours.
Jenny’s look has evolved from a strong sense of non-conformity.
‘I don’t like rules and regulations. I like to do my own thing.’ In her
youth, she had a unique style, but was bullied in her pre-teen years
for it. ‘After the bullying, I turned drab with my clothes, and stayed
like that for years,’ she reflects. It was only on reaching a milestone
birthday that Jenny chose to let her authentic style re-emerge.
‘On my 30th, I dyed my hair pink and started experimenting with
clothes again. It’s not that I didn’t care what people thought all of
a sudden; I just cared differently. It was time to be true to myself.’
The pink hair was what Jenny calls ‘the catalyst’ in bringing
about her style change. ‘It brought so many positive compliments,’
she says. Soon after, she started trying out wigs. ‘My hair was get-
ting damaged by dye, so I bought a pink wig. It’s such a conversa-
tion magnet, and I’m always honest about it.’ Now she has three in
different colours. ‘It’s the easiest way to change your look – and
such fun!’ she points out. The key to authentic style, she adds, is
not taking things so seriously. ‘There’s too much thinking going
on. At the end of the day, it’s just clothing, it’s just hair. Everyone’s
more stylish when they’re having fun.’

30 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 ‘I nourish
my body with
colourful food,
and my soul
with colourful
clothing’

‘Now I care
differently what
others think. Not
everyone has
to like what
I’m wearing’

Have fun with clothes

l Make one noticeable change,
then go from there l Add a piece
to your outfit that’s fun and
unexpected l Buy block colour
shoes and mix them with a
clashing dress or separates l Don’t
buy matching anything l Mix
strong prints with something
unexpected to ‘ground’ them
l Play with a wig for a night out
- it’s an instant persona change
 Natural
instincts [ SOCIETY ]
It’s time to embrace your inner hippy and
start hugging the nearest tree. Why? Because,
as Jini Reddy has discovered, deepening our relationship
with nature is good for us and the world around us

32 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
T
he wild – I’ve always loved it,
whether it’s time spent trekking
across a vast, remote landscape,
a coastal walk that awakens the
senses, a dreamy wander in the
woods, a glorious snooze in a daisy-filled
meadow, the sight of a hawk soaring in the sky,
or simply a cheeky climb up a tree. But lately,
something else has crept into the mix: a desire
to radically deepen my relationship with
nature. It’s no longer enough for me to let my
gaze drift hazily across beautiful scenery, or
only register the elements in relation to how
they make me feel. I’m searching for meaning
and a return to a simpler way of life enjoyed by
previous generations – a life in which nature is
treated with respect and reverence.
I know I’m not alone on this path. The call to
‘rewild’ ourselves (to use a phrase from author
George Monbiot), has been growing rapidly.
This is reflected in the many ventures that
celebrate and foster connection with nature,
among them the National Trust’s The Wild
Network, set up to ‘kickstart a revolution that
will reconnect kids with nature’. Nature’s time
has come. Again. ‘As the pace of life in the west
becomes ever faster, and we all become more
reliant on technology, time spent mindfully in
nature can help us to regain perspective on our
lives,’ says Adrian Kowal, co-founder of Way of
Nature, a collective which offers mindfulness,
sensory awareness and movement practices on
day-long retreats in Epping Forest, Essex, and
extended wilderness breaks abroad.
‘When we allow ourselves to be immersed
in nature, we get a deep feeling of relaxation
which, in turn, bolsters our confidence, boosts
our creativity, reawakens our senses and helps
us to solve problems and experience creative
bursts of inspiration,’ says Kowal. ‘Our retreats
help to rekindle a sense of enchantment.’
Sense of urgency
Where does my own urgency to reconnect
come from? For me, it’s part-spiritual quest,
part-desire to still a deep need for belonging
that can’t be answered amid the distractions of
modern life. Virtual connectivity, for all its >>>
 This may seem
obvious, but the
more time spent
feeling sun, wind
and rain on your
skin, the more you
will feel your way
into nature”
>>> wonders, ironically takes us away from
direct experience of the world and each
other; away from touch, smell and taste.
‘There are many forms of conscious-
ness in nature,’ evolutionary biologist
Rupert Sheldrake said earlier this year,
at a talk I attended in London. His belief,
though controversial for a scientist, has
been echoed for centuries by people
from indigenous, earth-based cultures.
It recognises that every element of the
earth shares the same life force. And it’s
one that industrialised societies have
become divorced from, to devastating
effect – as evidenced in acts of environ-
mental destruction, plundering resou­
rces to fuel economic growth, as well as
corruption and conflict.
Such actions are the antithesis of the
nourishment of the soul, which nature
can provide in abundance – for every-
one. As Satish Kumar, a former Jain
monk and the author of Soil, Soul, Soci-
ety, put it: ‘Whoever you are – rich,
poor, human, animal, insect – the apple
tree gives you apples. For free.’
The benefits of reflective time spent
in a wild environment is indisputable.
In 2012, researchers at the University
of Kansas discovered that people who’d
spent extended time in nature experi-
enced a huge 50 per cent boost in crea-
tivity and higher levels of insight and
problem-solving. Time spent in nature
is also good for ecological reasons,
34 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
too. Concepts such as ‘environment’
and ‘climate change’ don’t always move
people or inspire them to care and act
accordingly. But visceral experiences
in the wild do. Arguably, this may be the
only thing that stands between us and
our demise as a civilisation.
Nature everywhere
But how does nature perceive all of
this? What does the wild gain from my
presence? This is a question I have
asked myself. What does it mean to
enter into a reciprocal relationship
with the earth? How does it happen?
This summer, I spent a week on a
course at Schumacher College in Devon
(founded by Satish Kumar, among oth-
ers), to explore some of these ques-
tions. A month later, I spent a week on a
solo wilderness retreat in the Pyrenees.
That led to time at Findhorn, a unique
eco-village in Scotland where co-crea-
tion with the earth is part of daily life.
These extraordinary, transformative
experiences have deepened my rela-
tionship with nature, but not everyone
has access to them. So how does one
begin to cultivate a connection with
the wild in an easy, real, everyday way?
I don’t believe that you have to travel
far and wide for this to happen. You
don’t have to be Bear Grylls, Ray Mears
or even – charismatic though he is –
Monty Don. Nature is in our back gar-
dens, it’s in the weeds that rise from the
cracks in the pavements, the pebbles
on our muddy paths, it’s on our local
common, in the birdsong outside, in
urban foxes and allotments. It’s in the
lone tree on a high street, bravely
weathering indifference.
I live in a London suburb and 10
photographs: (previous page) javier soto vasquez/
minutes away is a small area of wood-
corbis. (this page) christopher domakis/corbis
land, leading to a common. Almost
every morning, I jog or walk up there.
It’s a delight, whatever the season. It
is the space in which we need to dwell,
in order to avail ourselves of nature’s
spirit. My morning walk is my medita-
tion, and my day flows better for it.
It gives it integrity; a texture and
vibrancy that I can’t live without.
Wild food forager Fergus Drennan
 society

Find your way back to nature

l GO FORAGING. Fergus
Drennan offers one-day
foraging courses. He is also
collaborating on the Foraged
Art Book Project, producing
a book made entirely from
plants foraged from the wild
(fergustheforager.com).
l EARTH YOURSELF.
Outdoors champion Lynne
Allbutt offers barefoot
walking and running courses
to bring you more closely
in touch with the earth
in the Brecon Beacons
(allbuttshoes.com/
barefoot-workshops-2).
l GO ON A WILD SPA TRIP.
Way of Nature UK hosts
day ‘wilderness spas’ with a
mini-solo element in Epping
Forest and wilderness
retreats abroad
(wayofnature.co.uk).
l LEARN ABOUT PLANTS.
Rachel Corby guides wild
medicine walks and sacred
planet medicine retreats,
(gatewaystoeden.com).
l TAKE A WALK. Wilderness
Minds offers one-day
mindful walks on the coast
of Anglesey and three-day
wild camping trips in
Snowdonia (wilderness
minds.co.uk).
l ENJOY A CITY BREAK.
Want to connect to nature
in the Big Smoke? Jo
Goldsmid offers day-long
Earth Whisperer workshops
in urban woodlands in
London (earthwhisperer.
wordpress.com).
l USE YOUR NATURAL
COMPASS. Tristan Gooley,
aka The Natural Navigator,
offers one-day beginners’
natural navigation courses
(naturalnavigator.com).
l HAVE A SOLO
ADVENTURE. Devon-based
Regenco offers ‘supported
vision’ quests, including
land skills retreats and
reflective walks on
Dartmoor (regenco.info).
l RECLAIM THE NIGHT.
Also located in Devon
is the excellent Wildwise,
(wildwise.co.uk), which
offers outdoor courses
such as nature-awareness,
forest skills, wild food
walks, and nocturnal
nature walks.

People who as we walk through the world. ‘Be aware I recently attended a talk at St Ethel-

spend extended of birds, trees and the changing skies.

Even in the middle of a concrete jungle
burga’s Centre for Reconciliation and
Peace in the City of London – a part of
time in nature in a city, you might notice stone that has town not noted for its green spaces.
experience a 50 been quarried from the earth, trees
growing along the street and clouds in
Here, one evening, the Reverend Peter
Owen Jones, an ardent advocate of
per cent boost in the sky.’ nature, spoke vividly on how we might
creativity and high Connect and feel
deepen our connection with the earth

levels of insight”
offers some simple ideas for connecting
to nature. When possible, walk or cycle
instead of using a car or train, he says.
‘This may seem obvious, but the more
time spent feeling sun, wind and rain
on your skin, the more you’ll feel your
way into nature. Find a comfy tree and
read outside,’ he continues. ‘Eating
wild foods offers a direct sensory com-
munication with nature too, as do
books that inspire our connection and
inter-being with the world around us.’
Eco-psychologist and artist Debbie
Warrener recommends being mindful
Tristan Gooley, author of The Walker’s
Guide To Outdoor Clues And Signs
(Sceptre, £16), is a ‘natural navigator’
who teaches people the art of finding
their way using nature, including sun,
moon, stars, weather, land, sea, plants
and animals. I still recall the magical
walk he led me through on the South
Downs, where I became a (bumbling)
Sherlock of the woods and fields. He
suggests that people go outdoors any-
where and try to answer two questions:
‘Which way am I looking?’ and ‘What
time is it?’ He says: ‘Then answer using
the clues around you. Thinking about
the sun, plants and birdsong is a good
start for both town and country.’
by realising that both we and nature are
capable of feeling.
‘The tree does not think her way into
the light, she feels it,’ he says, in writings
that echo that talk. ‘Have you not felt
the comfort and the anger of the wind?
The snow will teach you how to feel
the many layers of silence. Through the
lake, you will learn how to feel the
depths of stillness. The desert will lead
you into eternity. If you cannot hear the
one blade of grass that has pushed its
way through the concrete singing, how
can you feel the joy of the meadow?’
Words to reflect upon, as you begin to
befriend nature.
Jini Reddy is currently writer in residence for
Way of Nature, wayofnature.co.uk

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 35
The dirty art of
networking
[ work ]
Do you dread being in a room full of strangers, or a night
out with semi-familiar colleagues? Karen Emslie explains
why we get that ‘dirty’ feeling when career-based socialising beckons,
and two writers challenge their own fear of working the room
S
tanding in a room of people,
with a nibble in my hand and
a fake smile on my face, I’m
cringing internally. Yes, I’m
at a networking event. I have
an idea for a short film and the woman
who could make it happen is here, sur-
rounded by several other would-be
scriptwriters. I tell myself to go and say
hello, but I feel like a fake – won’t she
know I’m only talking to her because I
want something? My bolder contem-
poraries are already sharing their ideas,
but I just want to melt into the cana-
pés. They leave with her email address;
I leave with a half-eaten vol-au-vent.
If, like me, networking makes you
feel icky, don’t worry, you are not
alone. Researchers at the University of
Toronto found that some of us feel
morally ‘dirty’ when we network,
because we act in ways that we can’t
justify, schmoozing people for our own
gain. Co-author of the research, Profes-
sor Tiziana Casciaro, says there are two
36 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
illustrations jacquie boyd/début art
different types of networking: ‘profes-
sional’, which is planned and used to
benefit careers, and ‘personal’ (making
friends), which happens spontane-
ously and is based on mutual benefit.
People who feel sullied by network-
ing often find it harder to further their
careers than those who don’t. And the
more powerful people become, then
the less dirty they tend to feel. Cas-
ciaro studied a firm of lawyers in the
US and found that senior lawyers felt
the least dirty. ‘That could be because
they don’t care as much about the peo-
ple on the other end of the exchange, or
because they feel like they have some-
thing to offer, which makes the inter-
action seem less selfish,’ she explains.
The pattern is perpetuated as peo-
ple higher up in organisations have
more opportunity to mix spontane-
ously, unlike those further down, who
have to actively pursue networking
opportunities – and feel the dirtiest of
all. And as extroverted people tend to
feel more comfortable networking,
organisations could be overlooking
those talented, but introverted, people.
So, what can you do if networking
just makes you squirm? According to
Casciaro, seeing it as being about more
than you makes it appear more altruis-
tic – if we think of what we can offer,
then it feels less dirty as it’s an oppor-
tunity to give, not just take. Network-
ing expert Donna Messer of Connect
Us Communications, also recommends
this mindset. Messer believes effective
networking means gradually building
mutually beneficial relationships, not
just handing out business cards.
Next time I’m cringing by the cana-
pés, I’ll try to focus on what I can offer
and take a long-term view. It’s like the
dating game, says Messer, ‘It isn’t often
that you have marriage in mind on the
first date; it’s a slow process of getting
to know each other.’
Read on to see how two nervous
networkers joined the party... >>>
 work
>>>
a jury of your peers
How Ali Roff went from fleeing her peers to
embracing them – or at least saying ‘hi’…
I didn’t want to write this piece. It meant I would finally
have to do the deed – network. And I’d do anything to
avoid that. Why? Once bullied at school, I am a little shy
– but I like talking to new people and I’m confident in my
profession. Yet last month, after awkwardly shuffling with
my tiny cup of tea and pastry on a napkin into the corner
of the room at a perfect networking opportunity, my
confidence flew out of the window.
As the room roared with my peers’ chitchat, it felt as if
they had all met before; a group of friends with deep-rooted
bonds forged by years of memories – a club I didn’t belong
to. And there I was, trying to be invisible, checking the
email feed on my phone, feeling like a friendless outcast.
I know how important networking is. There are
countless opportunities out there, if only I could pluck
up the courage to spark a conversation. But every person
I picked out and prepared to approach was hijacked with
air kisses and hugs. The thought of introducing myself and
receiving a Mean Girls-style, ‘Umm, why is she talking to
me?’ reaction, would shatter every piece of self-confidence
I have. So I kept checking my emails, awkwardly ate my
pastry and finished my tea.
Fast-forward two weeks later, and a friend from
university asks me to speak at her school about being a
journalist. The other adults invited were from a range of
different industries: a barrister, an engineer, a hedge fund
manager… impressive stuff. But it’s not until we’re talking
about gratitude for doing what you love, that I realise I’m
the one who initiated the conversation – a stark contrast
to my last networking experience.
The difference? I realised that these people were not
my peers. I had nothing to prove to them, so there was no
fear of being rejected. Within my industry however, the
stakes were higher. If I put myself out there and made a
fool of myself, I would be the freak who doesn’t have any
friends – the lonely kid in the playground again.
I know how irrational this sounds, so I turned for help
to Dr Jessamy Hibberd and Jo Usmar, authors of This
Book Will Make You Confident (Quercus, £7.99). They
explain that getting stuck in your head in social situations
can be a vicious circle. When you panic about messing up
and looking like a fool, you tell yourself you are a social
failure (sounds familiar). In turn, you become tense and
38 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
There I was, trying to be
invisible, checking the email
feed on my phone, feeling like
a friendless outcast”
look unapproachable (cue checking emails and awkwardly
hiding), then you seem preoccupied, uninterested and
don’t pay attention to what’s going on around you.
To get over this, they suggest you become a chatterbox,
starting small. The first step is to say hello to a stranger,
with a smile, and get used to them responding – or not
– and feeling OK with it. Last week, I started with the boy
walking his dog and a woman on the train: ‘Hello! Good
morning!’ To my surprise, they returned my greeting with
a smile and a nod, at the very least. It built my confidence
for the next step – asking people how they are. ‘You’ll be
surprised by how chuffed people will be that someone is
showing interest in them,’ explain Hibberd and Usmar.
Three weeks later and I had a small breakthrough. At
an after-work event, I headed for the bar. ‘Hi, how are
you?’ I asked the woman waiting next to me. That was
all it took. As I finish writing this article, we’re emailing
about a potential collaboration.
keeping it all going
Finding it easy to make contacts, Clem Felix’s
problem is maintenance…
I’ve worked in my industry for 25 years and have lots of
great contacts. My problem is that I’m hopeless at keeping
in touch with them. I am an introvert; I don’t enjoy small
talk and I find socialising draining. I even shy away from
a quick drink after work. Yet I know this is a drawback –
colleagues who socialise together are more glued together
and old contacts you see around are more likely to think
of you when opportunities crop up. So, what to do?
I seek help from Annie Ashdown, a self-confidence
coach. Talking to her I realise that, like many introverts,
my feelings are underpinned by a sense of social
inadequacy. It’s not just that I don’t like small talk;
I feel I can’t do it, or not for long anyway. An evening
of networking is, for me, like a juggling act where I’m
desperately keeping the balls in the air, all the time
waiting for something to slip and my true, serious, intense

self to be exposed. Annie has some useful insights and tips:
I don’t have to be the life and soul or the wit of the room
– it is fine to be serious and talk about serious things. It is
better to be authentic. ‘Show up for life’ is one of Annie’s
mantras. I should make myself go to at least half of the
events I am invited to. And it’s fine to stay for only an hour.
‘It’s networking not netplaying’ is another Annie
mantra. Couching social events in these terms – as work
rather than compulsory fun – is actually helpful for me.
Work, I understand. She tells me to adopt a curious
attitude. Instead of being fearful about what is expected
of me, I should wonder about whom I may meet. It may be
the person who gives me a big break, or I may make a friend.
D-day is a drinks event with colleagues and clients.
An hour before it’s time to go, I text my partner to say I’m
not going to bother – I’ve got a cold. Then I see what I am
doing – failing to show up for life as usual! – so I get my
arse out the door. Annie sends me last-minute tips such
as ‘talk to three people’ and ‘two drinks max’.
I spend the first 20 minutes talking to the PA and the
intern (in the past, I’ve spent whole evenings doing this
An evening of
networking is, for me,
like a juggling act
where I’m desperately
keeping the balls in
the air, all the time
waiting for something
to slip and my true,
serious, intense self
to be exposed”
– well, they are the friendly, interesting
ones who aren’t scary!). But I know I
must mingle. I introduce myself to a
group of clients – two of whom promptly
move on, but I remind myself this is not
about me, just the protocol of the event,
and have a nice chat with the two who
remain. I start to relax – it’s not so bad
and of course I can cope. I ask questions,
and listen, and make witty asides. I’m
a socially sophisticated human being!
I have an easy chat with a guy who is an astrologer on
the side – he tells me next year is going to be better than
this year, hurrah! I join some male colleagues and listen to
them bantering about music, which gives me a 15-minute
breather. Then I talk to the guy who gives me regular
freelance work, so I am self-conscious because there has
to be an agenda here. We manage a nice chat, but then
somehow my small-talk fuse seems to blow, and I find
myself treating him to my passionate views on social
inequality, and suddenly I’ve been doing all the talking
for five minutes, or is it 10? And he is nodding along, but
actually… ooh, look at the time! My train…
I am gripped with self-loathing all the way home.
But once I calm down I think, actually, that was fine.
In fact, it was nice. Annie’s tip of sticking to a maximum
of two glasses of wine made all the difference in averting
disaster – at least I realised it was time to go! And the next
time I see the guys at work, we gossip about the event, and
when I talk on the phone to the people I met there, we
have a proper connection. Easy peasy!
For more information, see annieashdown.com
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 39
40 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 5
 Shami Chakrabarti
[ SHARED VALUES ] Shami Chakrabarti is director of human rights campaign
group, Liberty. She shares her core values with us
INTERVIEW ELIZABETH HEATHCOTE
If I had a motto, it would be ‘everyone’s equal, no-one’s
superior’. There is something inherently special about
every human being and I try to live that in my work and all
my encounters in life. There’s no bright line between work
and play for me – life is quite seamless.
I believe if we come together, we can do amazing things.
Our future lies in each other, and in the end, everyone benefits.
If you’re sitting in your 15th property counting your money
you might think you’re a winner, but you don’t know the
greater security and joy that comes with being an agent
for change. It comes with being generous and optimistic, and
living in a better society.
I have been put down by other people, but not for long.
I’ve benefited from a lot of support and solidarity all my life,
from women in particular. Solidarity is an old-fashioned
word but it’s important, at work and in life in general.
When I was about 12 and the hunt for the Yorkshire
Ripper was on, I made a remark about what they should
do to that animal when they caught him. And my father
said no justice system can ever be perfect, and what would
it feel like if you were wrongly convicted, as you walked to
the gas chamber? It was a powerful moment in my young
life; the start of my journey towards law and human rights.
My parents were migrants from India to London in the
early 1960s. They lived in bedsit-land alongside neighbours
PHOTOGRAPH: ANTONIO OLMOS/THE GUARDIAN
from all over the world who became their quasi-family. The
people who we spent Christmas and holidays with were Greek,
German, Jewish, Catholic, sharing food, conversation and
stories. I think of myself as multicultural, not bi-cultural.
My parents encouraged me to discuss and challenge
things from an early age. My mother, who isn’t around
any more, and who, as an Asian woman of her generation,
had experienced the rough end of the stick, taught me
I could do whatever I wanted, and to take opportunities,
particularly in the context of education and work.
I make my argument boldly. I do listen, and I can change
my mind and accommodate and negotiate – but I have
strong core values of which I am certain.
The middle years are tough, but there are also
compensations. One is learning from young people. They
teach me about techy things, and cultural things like music,
but also perennial things. I value my 12-year-old son’s view
on politics and human rights. Some things come with
experience and some things come with freshness.
I’ve experienced racism but nothing compared to other
people, and I think the slight outsider status can be an
advantage sometimes. You don’t fit so neatly into the class
system. If people have you placed in a box marked Asian
Woman, then they haven’t placed you in another box
marked Father Was A Miner/Banker.
The biggest injustice on the planet is gender injustice.
It’s entrenched in the home, the family, the workplace,
the community – everywhere. It’s also the issue that, if
you began to crack it, would do the most for related issues
– war, peace, sustainable development, poverty.
There has been more noise around feminism lately but
the noise needs to become action. I don’t think my mother’s
generation would be proud of mine in terms of where we’d
got to in the 1970s and where we should be by now. There
was all that, ‘we’re too cool, we’re not feminists any more’
stuff. I think a lot of people inadvertently fell into that trap.
I am optimistic, because I don’t want to live any other way.
I think humans are, by and large, better than not, and that
has got me through the difficult times.
‘On Liberty’ by Shami Chakrabarti (Allen Lane, £17.99) is out now
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 41
 MARY FENWICK
on life
Our agony aunt offers a new perspective
on your challenges and problems
“ Our friendship
exhausts me”
Q My friend had
a messy divorce
nine years ago.
Our daughters are
similar ages and
my husband died eight years ago, so
we have helped each other through
issues and remained in touch even
when I moved 300 miles away for
a new relationship. She has been
demoted, which is hurting her
financially, her daughter leans on
her a lot, and her dad is elderly and ill.
I have paid for her to come on
holidays with me over the last few
years, plus spa breaks, and each year,
she invites herself to visit. I guess I
went along with it because I felt sorry
for her. But she is a difficult person;
she has dietary issues, is a fussy
sleeper, obsessive about planning
and also pessimistic, and I find it
exhausting to be in her company.
On our last break, I told her that
the holidays have to stop as I am
now supporting my son through
university, and I hope to buy a new
house. What more can I do? I offer
her advice if she asks me, and
support her with treats, but the
present situation is getting me
down and I just see it getting worse
in the future. Penny
42 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
A
At the moment, this is
not a friendship. It might
have been once, and it
might be again, but right
now it does not have many of the
qualities of friendship, such as having
fun together, feeling like ‘it’s you and
me against the world’, or even basically
liking each other. Having said that, I’m
sure many people will recognise your
experience, and we might all have to
admit that we’ve been on both sides of
it at different times.
One theory that may be relevant
is the Karpman Drama Triangle. This
says that we adopt unconscious roles
of being the victim, the rescuer and
the persecutor (the person who starts
handing out blame). Your description
would definitely seem to fit with you
being the rescuer (‘let me help you
with that’) and your friend being the
victim (‘I’m so helpless’). The next
stage would be for one of you to get fed
up with your role, and start blaming
the other person.
I am saying this with the hope that
it is thought-provoking, not pasting a
label on your forehead. To escape from
the theory, try these questions: are you
truly helping your friend by feeling
sorry for her, and giving her advice?
When did she last have the chance to
Mary Fenwick is a business
coach, journalist, fundraiser,
mother, divorcée and widow
GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY?
Email mary@psychologies.co.uk,
with ‘MARY’ in the subject line
give something back to you? How
might she feel if there is nothing she
can give to you? If you stick to the role
of the giver, she can only take, and that
doesn’t sound good for either of you.
Please don’t think I’m being
unsympathetic – I am sure that there
have been times in my chequered
career when I have played both the
drainer and the martyr role, and we
all know how easy it is to blame other
people when things go wrong. One
technique I tried with a friend who
was sucking my energy was to start
talking about my own worries, without
waiting for her to ask. She rose to the
occasion and we are now back on track.
It is possible that by ceasing to
support your friend quite so much
at the moment, she will begin to take
action herself. It is also possible that
you didn’t ever fundamentally like her
much, and you are seeing that more
clearly now that the circumstances
which brought you together have
changed. Be honest with yourself.

“ My partner doesn’t want to have another child”
Q
I live with my partner
and our 15-month-old
daughter. Deciding to
have a child was difficult
– I wanted to, but he didn’t. It
nearly split us up, but now that
she’s here, we both adore her.
When we agreed to try for a
baby, I knew it was unlikely that
he’d ever want more than one, and
at the time I was OK with that. But
now my daughter is here, I feel bad
that she’ll always be on her own.
My partner still feels that one
child is enough, and I don’t want to
lose him, but I would love another
child. How can I come to terms
with the feeling that whatever I do,
“ How do I get out of this tricky situation?”
Q
My mother-in-law has
lots of amazing, often
far-fetched ideas, the
latest of which she is
trying to include me in. She wants
to set up a food business – it could
be a success, and I would enjoy
being involved in it if it wasn’t for
her perfectionism and need to
always have her own way. She is
very bossy and things often end
in tears if it all goes wrong.
I don’t think this business
photograph: victoria birkinshaw
venture, especially when it
means investing my own money,
is a good idea because of her erratic
temperament and the fact that I
know it will probably be a disaster
for our relationship, as well as
affecting my relationship with my
I’m either betraying my daughter
or driving away my partner?
Lauren
A
You have a dilemma, but
it’s not quite the one you
describe. The phrase ‘betraying my
daughter’ is a red herring: the choice
you have is whether to have another
child or to stay with your partner.
Nobody else can make that decision
but the two of you, and I would
suggest that the best thing you can
do for your daughter is raise her in a
safe, stable and loving environment.
I encourage you to try to take
the pressure off yourself and your
partner, and to invest some time and
husband. How can I get out of it
without hurting either of their
feelings? Name supplied
A
The aim of not hurting
anyone’s feelings is not
a sustainable way to live a life. It is
remarkable that you contemplate
losing money, being shouted at and
causing disaster to your marriage,
rather than cause hurt feelings. This
is a variation on the basic question of
how we say no, which I have come to
think is one of our most important,
and underrated life skills. If you can’t
say no, then what is your yes worth?
Since this is meant to be a business
proposal, you might be interested in
the views of the Harvard Business
Review, which has nine tips on how
the life lab
emotional energy into your
relationship as a couple, not just
as parents. This might be part of
what he is saying – that he values
his relationship with you, and does
not want to introduce yet another
unpredictable factor into that.
I am concerned that you might be
blanking out the evidence that an
only child can be perfectly happy. I’m
also concerned about the underlying
assumption that you can simply dial
up another perfect child on demand
– I can think of my friends and family
members who have struggled with
other outcomes. There are many
worse fates than being a healthy only
child, with two adoring parents.
to ‘know your no’ including: appreciate
that the request is a compliment; say
no to the request, not the person; and
practise saying no in easier situations
to build up your courage. From your
description, I also wonder how you
and your husband could apply these
rules together to ensure that there
are boundaries to your life as a couple,
so it doesn’t become a threesome.
more inspiration:
Read: One And Only: The Freedom
Of Having An Only Child, And The
Joy Of Being One by Lauren Sandler
(Simon & Schuster, £9.56)
Read: http://bit.ly/1zNqQ2y
for advice on family relationships
Browse: http://bit.ly/1tfyz7a
to help you learn to say no
APRI L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 43
 The
AGE
gap
Why is it that our friends are
[ friendship ]
often around the same age as
us? It might seem easier to stick with your own
generation but, says Eleanor Tucker, there’s a
lot to be gained from friendships across the gap

T
onight, I’m going out with a
close friend. I can’t wait; we
always have those conversa-
tions that make you feel you’ve
got things off your chest, but
also learnt something new. That sounds
serious though. It’s not; we also invariably
drink too much wine and have those big
belly laughs that mean you wake up the
next day smiling, and wondering where
that strange pain in your ribs came from.
But there are a few things that Katie
and I don’t talk about. We never remi-
nisce about the awful make-up we wore
in the 1990s (brown lip liner? I went
there). We don’t chat about the gigs we
went to as students (D-Ream, anyone?).
And we won’t discuss how chunky our
first mobile phone was (mine was the size
of a breeze block). Because for Katie and
I, there’s one thing that we don’t have in
common at all: our age. Katie is 15 years
younger than me. She was born the year
I was doing my GSCEs and learning the
lyrics to ‘Buffalo Stance’. When I was
losing my virginity, she was moving onto
solids. And when I was leaving home, she
was learning to walk.
This got me thinking. Most of my
friends are the same age as me, and at a
similar life stage – which has obvious
advantages. But when I see Katie, I get a
completely different view on life, and it’s
refreshing. As much as I like talking about
my children and their teachers/head lice/
refusal to eat cauliflower, I also like that
fact that Katie, who’s in her twenties and
single, would find these topics dull. So we >>>

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 45
 friendships
>>> end up discussing broader subjects.
Fewer head lice, more politics. Less
cauliflower, more mindfulness.
A different perspective
I asked life coach Sloan Sheridan-
Williams about it, and she explained to
me that we tend to gravitate towards
certain types of personalities within
our own age group who we’ve grown to
feel comfortable with over time. ‘But
the benefit of shifting focus and culti-
vating friends from different genera-
tions is that they can help you to see
situations from a different perspective.
Older friends can contribute their
experience, whereas younger friends
can be more curious and confident in
their approach.’
I wonder how much experience I
bring to my friendship with Katie.
Rosemary, a Bowen therapist in her
early fifties who has a friend, Angela, 31,
is confident of that role. ‘I met Angela at
just the right time, when I was helping
her children with the Bowen Technique
therapy that I practise. I’d drifted away
from some of my friends of the same age
when they’d had children and I hadn’t. I
was busy with my career and travelling,
while they had young families and were
occupied with nappies and school runs.
‘Now, with Angela, I find that our
lives are so different that we marvel at
each other’s blessings. She lives for her
family; I love my work and my freedom.
Her children are the age my grandchil-
dren would be if I’d had children of my
own, so I am aware that she is filling a
gap in my life, but I think I’m doing the
same with her. I bring some sanity; a
voice of reason and experience.’
But what is it like to be on the receiv-
ing end of that kind of experience?
Gemma is 25 and one of her best friends,
Delia, is 52. They met initially when
Gemma became friends with Delia’s
son at university. ‘I met Delia the day I
moved into halls – she was helping her
son move in. To start with, we’d chat
when she visited him, but gradually, we
46 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
Younger people
can miss out on the
ability older people
often have to put
things in perspective
and shift the focus
away from sweating
the small stuff to
concentrate on
satisfying more
meaningful
emotional needs”
started spending time together. Seven
years on, we’re close friends – we’ve
even been on holiday together. Obvi-
ously there are things I wouldn’t do
with her, like go clubbing, but that
doesn’t bother me, as I can do that kind
of thing with other friends.
‘Delia is young in her mindset – I
never feel like I’m talking to someone
more than twice my age. She’s been
welcomed into my family, and has even
been with me to Ireland to visit them.
All my younger friends love her, too. But
there’s no denying people think our
situation is weird and don’t understand
it. I’ve given up trying to explain it now.
It just works for us.’
Age difference stigma
Not everyone gets it. It seems strange
for there to be a stigma attached to the
age of our friends, but it does exist.
Sheridan-Williams explains that in
Eastern culture, the practice of having
a mentor or guru is historically more
prevalent, especially spiritually, as is
the expectation on young family mem-
bers to look after older relatives often in
the same family home. ‘But in the West,
from a young age, we are encouraged to
make friends with those we go to school
with and friendships in modern society
stick to this template as we get older,’
she points out. ‘This can mean that
younger people can miss out on the
ability older people often have to put
things in perspective and shift the focus
away from sweating the small stuff to
concentrate on satisfying more mean-
ingful emotional needs, like contribu-
tion, significance and connection.’
My friend Carol understands better
than most how rewarding a friendship
with someone older can be: she is 39
and Ian is 83. He lives next door to her
and they became friends in the winter
of 2009 when she was stuck in with a
newborn baby, and he was housebound
because of the snowy weather. ‘I would
do a bit of shopping for him, take him
round homemade cakes and just hang
out in his cosy back room. Gradually, he
stopped being my “elderly neighbour”
and became a friend.’
Carol is aware that people assume
Ian is her grandfather when they go out
together. ‘I haven’t had grandparents
around for a while, and nor has my hus-
band, so in a way Ian does fill that gap
– he’s like family, but without the
baggage. But we aren’t friends through
duty. I genuinely love spending time
with him and there is a good balance – I
help him out and he helps us out.
‘I love knowing that Ian is there. He
is thoughtful and generous and if I give
myself a hard time about something, he
always sticks up for me. He is funny and
sharp, and passionate about music,
which I am too. A lot of my friends are
mums with young children, so I sup-
pose Ian and I just talk about different
things. But in essence, the friendship is
the same – we enjoy each other’s com-
photograph: alex telfer/gallery stock
pany. I can’t think of any disadvantages,
only that he probably won’t be in my life
as long as I would like.’
In a society that needs, urgently, to
break down barriers between ages, I
reckon our friendships might be a good
place to start. I can recommend getting
a Katie in your life – and I’m trying to
work out how I can get myself an Ian.
 2
MONTH

Let’s bond!
[ THE HAPPINESS CLUB ]
In partnership with Action for Happiness, you
are invited to join our countrywide, year-long
happiness experiment. Psychologies editor Suzy Greaves has started
her own Happiness Club and this month, the focus is on connection

T
his month’s theme for Happiness Club is connect-
ing more with others. I love it! I’m never happier
than when I’m hanging out with people I know and
love. However, I also adore getting to know new
people, so my newly founded Happiness Club is
working for me on all levels.
And I’m not alone. We’re getting some great feedback
from our first Happiness Clubs up and down the country.
It’s no surprise – research shows that people with strong
and broad social relationships are happier, healthier and
live longer. Close relationships with family and friends
provide love, meaning, support, and increase our feelings
of self-worth. Broader networks bring a sense of belonging.
So taking action to strengthen our relationships and build
connections is essential for happiness, say the positive
psychology experts.
Unbelievably, not having close personal ties actually
poses the same level of health risk as smoking or obesity.
However, according to a recent study*, having a network
of social support appears to increase our immunity to
infection, lower our risk of heart disease and also reduce
mental decline as we get older.
Most important are our close, secure and supportive
relationships – be those with our husband, wife, partner,
relatives or friends. Research shows that it’s the quality
of relationships that matters most. How do we increase
the quality of our relationships? Experiencing positive
emotions together – that is, having fun; being able to talk
openly and feel understood, and giving and receiving
support, say the experts at Action for Happiness.
How do you connect when feeling shy?
Not everyone finds connecting with others easy –
especially if you’re shy. ‘Often what holds us back
are feelings that we aren’t good, interesting, witty or
important enough or that we’ll come across wrongly,’
says Vanessa King, positive psychology expert at Action
for Happiness. ‘But these thoughts keep us in our own
heads, focused on ourselves. When we want to connect
with someone, perhaps spend a few seconds noticing
something positive about the other person, which
will enable us to take our attention off our own self-
consciousness and worries, and switch our focus to the
other person instead – psychologists call this priming.’

48 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 the happiness club

Making connections as we get older can be harder, LAST MONTH: GIVING

King acknowledges, because we are all so much

busier and have more settled lives. It can feel
quite difficult to break into new social circles.
She encourages us to look into activities or events
where we will connect with people who have a
shared interest and also (importantly) where there’s
opportunity to chat or even work on something
together over a period of time.
‘There is nothing like a shared experience to help
us build connections with others. It might be doing
a course that runs over several weeks (perhaps even
one that includes group projects), volunteering, a
walking group, a knitting group, an activity holiday
(I’ve made some good friends through taking a yoga
holiday on my own), or doing something for the
community. It may take a bit of courage to connect
– but it’s worth it!’ says King.
One of our commitments for my Happiness Club
this month is to book something fun for us to do
outside our monthly meeting – something physical
rather than cerebral, where we could try something
new and have a laugh. Learning to climb and
dancing have been mentioned. I will report back.
A
t my first Happiness Club last month, my three new
recruits and I were focusing on giving. We did
everything from small acts, such as letting people
in at the traffic lights, to more impactful events – such as
arranging a painter and decorator to paint the spare room
for Mum back home. How did we feel? Happy! What felt
best was to change our focus and set an intention at the
beginning of the day to be more giving – we felt less
stressed driving, more peaceful at work, and more
compassionate towards our partners and children. 
Action for happiness:
l Make an intention to connect with a stranger once
a week – be it smiling at someone in the street or
chatting to someone in a shop.
l Book a time to talk to the people you love. Be curious,
ask lots of questions about what’s going on in their
lives at the moment. Make an effort to really try to
understand their thoughts, feelings, attitudes and past
history. And share yours with them.
l Book one activity to do this month with friends
– be it a hike together, a bike ride or a grand day out.

QUESTIONS TO DISCUSS AT
HOW TO SET UP YOUR YOUR HAPPINESS CLUB

1 4
HAPPINESS CLUB
*Dickerson,SS and Zoccola, PM (2009), Oxford

When did you last feel Who would you say

For more details on how to set up your own deeply connected to matters the most
University Press. illustration: istock

Happiness Club, see psychologies.co.uk/get-your- someone – and why? to you – and how

2
happiness-club-started. For video interviews can you build a deeper
with Mark Williamson, the director of Action for When did you last feel connection with them?

5
Happiness, and positive psychologist Vanessa disconnected from
King, and to see the highlights of the first ever someone – and why? Name three easy

3
Happiness Club meeting with Psychologies’ Suzy ways through which
Greaves, click on: lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk/ What is the most you might be able
channels/154-the-happiness-club challenging thing about to help build a happier
connecting with others? community around you?
For more details on how to set up your own
Happiness Club: psychologies.co.uk/create-your-own- A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 49
happiness-club

For video interviews with Mark Williamson, the

 Dealing with a
difficult
[ FAMILY ]
mum
In an ideal world, our mother is our best friend, confidant,
ally and her love for us is unconditional. But what if our
relationship with our mother is the opposite – confusing, hurtful, painful
and, dare we say it, a little toxic? Thea Anderson investigates

W
hen Jessie was
a teenager, she
broke her back in
a road accident.
Driving home on
country roads from a nightclub, in the
early hours of the morning, her best
friend briefly fell asleep at the wheel.
The car plunged down a steep bank,
finally hitting a tree on Jessie’s passen-
ger side. The doctors thought she might
never walk again, but with the aid of
much physiotherapy and a metal plate
knotting her vertebrae together, mirac-
ulously, she managed it. It cost her four
months away from her A-level studies
photograph: catherine ledner /getty images
The mother-child relationship is
seen as sacrosanct – ‘you only have one
mother,’ we say. For most of us, there’s a
strong bond, with the occasional moan
about irritations and miscommunica-
tions. But what about for those like
Jessie, where the relationship isn’t so
easy? How can you tell if you have an
unhealthy relationship with your mum?
Peg Streep, author of Mean Mothers:
Overcoming The Legacy Of Hurt (Col-
lins, £16.99), explains that skirmishes
between mothers and adult daughters
are normal, however daughters of diffi-
cult mothers, ‘are keenly aware that
either they feel emotionally starved or
a difficult mother suffer more pain than
comfort or pleasure. ‘A difficult mother
flies into regular rages, never apologises,
and finds it difficult to empathise with
her children,’ Apter says. ‘She will criti-
cise your efforts and choices and she
sees you as a possession or as a reflection
of her. A “difficult mother” is also the
woman who can take all the air in a room
by needing more attention and pleasing
than anyone else, either subtly or overtly,
with her barbed comments or playing
the victim.’
What do you do if you
have a difficult mother?

so the school advised her to come back
instead the following year. But Jessie
resisted, took her exams and still man-
aged to finish with good grades, happily
securing herself a university place. ‘And
I remember vividly,’ says Jessie, ‘what
Mum said on hearing my results – “it’s
not what you were predicted Jessica.
What am I going to tell everyone?”
That’s all she said.’
ignored by their mothers or, in the
alternative, actively attacked and hurt
by them. But, thanks to the myths of
motherhood and the power of the com-
mandments to honour your parents,
most daughters assume it’s their fault.’
Author of Difficult Mothers: Under-
standing And Overcoming Their Power
(WW Norton & Company, £10.99), Dr
Terri Apter explains that the children of
Dr Karyl McBride, author of Will I Ever
Be Good Enough? Healing The Daugh-
ters Of Narcissistic Mothers (Free Press,
£10.99), recommends that before you
take any practical action, you start with
what she describes as your recovery
work – which means taking time to heal
the damage of this painful legacy by
feeling unacknowledged emotions (the
daughters of difficult mothers are often >>>

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 51
 family
>>> taught to deny these). Finding a good
therapist can help you negotiate the
guilt that can arise from what feels like
disloyalty, says McBride. Journalling
about your feelings can also help.
Acknowledge that dealing with a
difficult mother is never easy, and all
the more so if others around you seem
to have happy and healthy relation-
ships with their mums. Finding out a
little of your mum’s history can offer
some understanding but, ultimately,
finding your own way through, practi-
cally and emotionally, is worth it.
‘Daughters of difficult mothers often
have a hard time finding out who they
are or wish to be. You’re not the version
of you that she sees and you’re not your
mother either. You will discover that
you are a strong, creative, resourceful
and lovable woman with or without
her,’ says McBride.
She suggests four ways of dealing
with a difficult mother:
l Take your mother to therapy
When family therapist McBride asks
her clients: ‘Would your mother attend
therapy with you to address mother-
daughter issues?’ most people instinc-
tively know the answer will probably
be no, based on prior experiences of
attempting to discuss feelings. How-
ever, there are those mothers who are
prepared, like you, to work on issues,
so it is worth asking gently. According
to McBride, many difficult mothers are
also on the narcissistic spectrum, and
they typically project their feelings,
finding it difficult to connect with their
emotional inner life. They generally
refuse therapy, are uncooperative,
blame the daughter and might even
walk out. You may instead need to cre-
ate a civil connection (see below).
l Create a ‘civil connection’
This is a good option for daughters who
do not want to give up on their mother
totally, but have accepted that she is
52 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 She will criticise
your efforts and
choices, and sees you
as a possession or as
a reflection of her”
incapable of true mothering, and keep
being wounded by this. The idea is to
have less contact with your mother,
keeping it light and making no attempt
to be emotionally close. You will have
fewer expectations then, so you won’t
be as disappointed when these aren’t
met, and you won’t tend to share much
personal information.
However, McBride also recommends
having a temporary separation before
taking this step.
l Have a temporary
separation
This means taking a break from seeing
your mother to work on your own
recovery without being constantly
triggered by her behaviour. McBride
suggests that you tell your mum you
are taking time out for some personal
issues and will contact her if there’s an
emergency. She might not like it – she
might even throw a fit – but as McBride
says, she doesn’t have to. You’ll need
to learn to set some gentle, but firm,
boundaries if she persists.
l Take a permanent break
Sadly, some mothers are too toxic for
their daughters to be around. If, after
your own recovery, work therapy and
attempting all the options above, your
emotional wellbeing is still being
severely compromised, then this may
be the only option that protects your
mental stability. It can be a hard choice,
because others may not understand.
Dr Karyl McBride’s website offers lots
more information and online courses. See
willieverbegoodenough.com
how to
respond
calmly
1
De a ling w ith
gen er a l cr iticism
Your mother says: ‘There’s a lot
of dust in your house. I know you
work, but your family needs a clean home.’
You say: ‘Mum, this is my house. I’m
comfortable with my housekeeping.
If there’s an issue, I’ll deal with it.’
2
Per sona l
cr iticism
Your mother says: ‘I wish you
wouldn’t wear your hair like that
– it makes you look fat.’
You say (calmly): ‘Mum, it’s my hair
and I’m happy with the way it looks.
It’s hurtful to me that you say this.’
3
Ov er-n eedin ess
Your mother says: ‘I need you
to phone me every day. I could
have a heart attack and you
wouldn’t know. What would people think?’
You say: ‘If you’re really worried about
this Mum, there’s an easy solution –
we could buy you an emergency safety
alarm to wear.’
4
Controlling
beh av iou r
Your mother says: ‘You should
tell your daughter to do her
homework on a Friday.’
You say: ‘We work out her homework
schedule together. You don’t need
to be concerned about it.’
5
photograph: tony anderson/getty images
M a nipu l ation
Your mother says: ‘What do
you mean you’re not coming for
Christmas? You know how hard
I work cooking. We always have it here.
How could you do this to me?’
You say: ‘It’s important for us to spend
time with the other side of the family,
too. The holidays will be different from
time to time.’
Have you got a difficult mother?
If you answer yes to three or more of the statements below, you may have a difficult mother. She may
not behave in these ways all the time – these traits are often part of a spectrum and can be inconsistent.
Difficult mothers can also be talented and have wonderful, giving, fun sides to them, too
l It seems like you are there as an time, come over or talk about a a martyr. It’s not comfortable either way.
extension of her and to reflect well on particular subject, she’ll ignore your l She lacks empathy and finds it hard
her. She enjoys the achievements of request, and she might also tell you to put herself in yours and others’ shoes.
yours that she can brag about. She you’re being over-sensitive. This feels This can make you feel unloved and that
worries what people will think if you like subtle or overt manipulation. your relationship lacks closeness.
don’t live up to her expectations. l She regularly criticises or attacks l She feels personally attacked by the
l It appears that she’s not really your choices. It feels impossible to world – a victim – and can’t understand
interested in you at all, or she can be get things right. why you or other people do things that
caring and interested when she wants l Sometimes she is jealous of you, or she doesn’t like.
something in return. Sometimes, if competes with you. You’re surprised l She’ll never change (or only very
you try to talk about yourself, she turns your mother would feel like this about little). She has a need to be right and
the conversation back to her. You might her daughter. finds reasonable discussion difficult.
find you give up trying. l You have to attend to her emotional If confronted on any issue about her
l She regularly ignores your boundaries. or physical needs before your own or, behaviour, she becomes aggressive,
If you ask her not to call at a certain if she does give to you, she then acts like defensive, blames you or walks away.

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 53
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ilona boniwelL
“
on family
How do you
bounce back
from terror?
When crisis hits, how do you put things into
perspective, asks Ilona Boniwell
I
remember the troubled voice of
my husband over the phone at the
beginning of this year as he told
me the news: ‘there was a terrorist
attack in Paris, 12 people were killed.’
Television took centre stage, with
hostages, more deaths and endless
discussions. We were glued to the sofa
for hours on end, breaking only to
discuss events with friends or family.
Is this the beginning of a new war in
Europe? Can it happen again? Can it
happen here? Will it lead to heightened
religious and racial tensions? Can we,
ordinary peaceful citizens or someone
else next door, be attacked one day?
Only now – a few months after the
event – can I see clearly how affected
our teenagers were, in different ways.
One spent hundreds of hours on social
media, trying to establish his position
– but finding it hard. My husband’s
daughter was more apprehensive about
going out alone. Our eldest felt a surge
of anger and aggression, while my
15-year-old fell into a depression, unable
to come up with explanations as to why.
PHOTOGRAPH: victoria birkinshaw
He probably struggled most.
There is a psychological explanation
for this – the so-called ‘negativity bias’.
We’re hardwired by nature to pay more
attention and react more quickly, more
strongly, to negative than to positive
information. The brain automatically
reacts to stimuli it deems negative with
a greater surge in electrical activity.
We’re also likely to be afraid of things
disproportionately to the evidence,
for example, most people who are
afraid of flying have little fear of driving,
although their daily chance of being
killed in a car crash is much higher than
their chance of dying in the air.
I realised we had to unplug – reduce
the computer use, put the phones on the
shelf and switch off the TV. Information
sources can be addictive and overfeed
the negativity bias, inflating the fear
balloon. How to put things into
perspective? The internet is quick to
provide numbers. Approximately 1,500
people die in France each day, with more
than 400 dying from cancer, and a
similar number from heart/coronary
disease, nine in traffic accidents and two
due to murder. While reading these out,
I saw our teens understanding, gaining
perspective. There are more numbers
– three terrorists versus three million
citizens who took to the streets in
peaceful demonstrations, revealing the
goodwill and determination of the nation,
endorsing and validating the same basic
principles of democratic society. Which
numbers do we choose to focus on?
It’s all about focus, then putting your
the life lab
Dr Ilona Boniwell is course
leader for the new International MSc
in Applied Positive Psychology at
Anglia Ruskin University. She lives with
her husband, their toddler and four
teenagers from previous marriages
Got a QUESTION for Ilona? Email
ilona@psychologies.co.uk, with
‘ILONA’ in the subject line
focused attention into action. Faced with
adverse events, if you can do anything
about them (write, protest, offer help),
do it. If you can’t, do something else
useful for people around you and society
at large. It may be focusing on something
that matters to you, reconnecting with
friends from different walks of life, or
bringing a family together. Away from
the TV, my husband invited the children
to join us in front of the fire to share
their feelings and thoughts. Two weeks
later we celebrated the 80th birthday
of my father-in-law, a quintessential
eccentric artist, who reacted to the
surprise gathering of his descendants
with tears in his eyes. Life goes on…
More inspiration:
Read: more on the negativity bias at
psychologytoday.com/blog/your
-wise-brain/201010/confronting-
the-negativity-bias
Find: ideas for making a difference
at greatergood.berkeley.edu
Take: an MSc in Applied Positive
Psychology at Anglia Ruskin
University, anglia.ac.uk/imapp
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 55
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A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 57
 What’s the most
important thing in
your life right now?

Is it being happy or achieving something

you care passionately about?

;B FD & 0/+B1)&$ +/$&=1)B!F0 ?FD! & 0&+D)/+:

2+F/)6 1+ /A/) & 01D/)=&$ 0&+D)/+5

;B FD ?1+' +/$&D/6 F)A1$AF)G H1@+ 41BB:

31$$/&G@/B: D/&* *&D/B 1+ 3@BD1*/+B5

;B FD 2&*F$H +/$&D/6 ?FD! 3!F$6+/): BF4$F)GB

or parents?

Or is it probably the most important thing

12 &$$9 D!/ ?&H H1@ AF/? H1@+B/$25

Whatever your priorities;

nothing has greater
impact on your life than
the relationships you build
along the way.

C&3'DH0/B FB & ,@F3': 2@) &)6 /-/3=A/ ?&H D1

F)3+/&B/ &?&+/)/BB: /)!&)3/ B/$2 /BD//*:
F*0+1A/ &<D@6/B &)6 3110/+&=1) &)6
develop high performing teams.

%FBFD ???80&3'DH0/B831* D1 E)6 1@D *1+/

C&3'DH0/B "/$2 .?&+/)/BB C&3'B > 7#I8((

 the life lab

THE LOV E EX PER IMENT

How to avoid losing yourself in love

Every month, Sarah Abell invites you to try a 30-day experiment to improve your love life

1 THE PROJECT
A couple will often develop their own identity
as a ‘we’, but can you become too similar
and enmeshed? Marital therapist Andrew G
Marshall believes you can, and recommends
personal responsibility as an antidote.*

2 THE AIM
Find a balance between being half of a pair
and being yourself. Secure partners know
having their own identity, interests and

3
differences won’t undermine the relationship.

THE THEORY
According to Marshall, if you feel threatened
by the differences in your relationship, you are

Sometimes partners are so

likely to use strategies to try to protect yourself.
These might include: controlling your partner,
downplaying the differences or overly adapting. keen to keep each other happy
they give up their individuality
Then you get one of three combinations:
Control/compliance – One partner is in
charge and the other just does what that one for a couple identity”

4
wants. The compliant partner will often feel
BUT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU: SEVEN STEPS TO SAVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP (BLOOMSBURY, £8.99)
ILLUSTRATION: ROSE BLAKE/CENTRAL ILLUSTRATION AGENCY. *ANDREW G MARSHALL, I LOVE YOU

more relaxed and spontaneous when the

controlling partner isn’t around.
Indifference/indifference – Deceptively
calm, with little highs or lows, these couples
don’t experience much conversation,
intimacy or couple identity.
Compliance/compliance – Both partners
are so keen to keep each other happy that
they give up their individuality for a couple
identity. They avoid arguments and nobody
gets what they really want.
So, what is the answer? Take responsibility SARAH ABELL
is an author and
for your own needs and reactions. Try to relationships
coach. Find out
understand each other rather than trying more at naked
to convince, cajole or control each other. hedgehogs.com
TRY IT OUT
● Take turns being in charge. Set aside two
evenings or two days this month and decide
who will be in charge for each one. The person
in charge then gets to choose all the activities
that you do together. Keep them fun and avoid
picking anything your partner would hate.
● Review what you learnt. After your two
dates, discuss what you learnt about yourself
and each other.
● Talk about what you liked and didn’t like.
Think whether there is anything new that
arose that you would like to incorporate into
your normal routines?

JOIN US! DO YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY? TELL US AT FACEBOOK.COM/PSYCHOLOGIES OR ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 59
 Bring your
sexy
[ self
back
] What do you do when your libido has
gone AWOL? A reluctant Joanne
Roeleem signs up to be educated in the erotic arts
L
isa, my best friend, looked
flushed as she handed me my
birthday card: ‘You’re going to
go to sex school,’ she said. ‘I’ve
got you sessions with a sex
coach!’ Divorced for three years now,
Lisa had recently met someone new and
was constantly telling me how fantastic
her sex life was. She credited the changes
to one-to-one coaching via Skype with
relationship expert and sex coach Jan
Day. After her divorce, Lisa had admit-
ted to battening down the hatches, but
she was now ready to open up again,
so she signed up for coaching sessions
with a Tantric sex coach. Like you do.
I was delighted that she’d finally got
back into the saddle, as it were, but in
my honest moments, I also felt deep
envy. She was glowing – full of energy,
hilarity and lust. Married for 14 years,
60 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
History lesson
with twin boys about to start second-
ary school, I couldn’t remember when
I’d last felt like that. The last decade
seemed a blur. I had left a ‘proper job’
three years ago to set up my own design
business – and I was loving it, but it
took up all my energy and focus. Being
a working mother to two lively boys, I
felt constantly exhausted. I loved my
husband, Peter, but after 14 years, the
spark had definitely faded to a monthly
fizzle – and my fizz had gone flat. I can’t
remember when I last felt lust – for my
husband or for life. My default setting
was ‘knackered and resentful’, and
now envious. Great!
So as taken aback as I was when Lisa
told me about the sex coaching ses-
sions, I looked at her flushed, happy
face and thought: ‘You know what? I’ll
have what she’s having.’ >>>
>>>
Lesson 1:
Reconnect with your
feminine self
I was nervous before the first session
because I didn’t know what to expect –
a Katie Price lookalike? A dominatrix
with a whip? But no, Jan Day is a quietly
spoken redhead in her fifties, who is a
qualified coach and specialist in Tantric
sex. ‘Tantra invites you to become inti-
mate with yourself so that you can
become intimate with another, and
ultimately with the divine,’ she told me.
Jan asked lots of questions – not about
my sex life, but in general about my
daily life, work and family. So I told her
all about my exhaustion, my flat­lining
libido, and my resentment.
‘You are stuck in your masculine
energy,’ she told me. ‘You need to recon-
nect to the feminine. Everyone has
both masculine and feminine energy
within them. It’s the yin and the yang,
the being and the doing, but when these
energies get out of kilter, life becomes
hard and exhausting. The feminine is
all about trusting, listening, receiving,
softening and focusing on your internal
landscape,’ she continued. ‘When you
are operating in the masculine mode,
it’s all about doing, thinking and logic,
focusing on the external, setting goals
and making things happen.’
‘But I need to make things happen –
at work, and at home,’ I pointed out. ‘I
can’t just sit there and listen. And listen
to what, exactly?’
‘Your intuition; your gut instinct,
the wise inner voice,’ said Jan. ‘You
need to get out of your head, stop doing
and get back into your body.’
Because I work from home, Jan
advised me to start by creating some
boundaries around work – such as
changing into ‘soft clothes’ once I’ve
finished my working day, listening to
music, dancing around the living room,
spending some time alone just ‘being’,
62 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
staring out of the window and even
rolling around on a sheepskin rug!
‘Explore what it feels like to be, not
do,’ she told me.
Creating a ‘soft’ place
When I put down the phone, I felt
unadulterated rage race around my
veins. Roll round on a sheepskin rug?
Dance? Spend some time alone? Does
she have any idea what my life is like?
The endless to-do lists, demanding
clients, mountains of washing and
ironing… Resentfully, I threw myself
on the sofa to write another to-do list
and ended up falling asleep. The noise
Who knew the
supermarket could
be such fun? I
found myself in
the vegetable aisle,
eyeing up the
courgettes and
laughing out loud”
of me grinding my teeth woke me up
some time later. I realised that Jan
might have had a point; I was con-
stantly in go-go-go mode. The bottom
line was, I believed that if I did slow
down, the business would fail and my
family would fall to pieces. I believed I
had to do it all because no-one else
would.
Pete came home to find me sitting
on the sofa, staring into space. He sat
with me and we chatted about our day.
‘You look tired,’ he said. It wasn’t a
sheepskin rug, but I did put my head
on his shoulder. The kids piled in five
minutes later. ‘Ugh! They’re holding
hands!’ they said in disgust.
Lesson 2:
Meeting my inner
man and girl
In session two, I confessed my resist-
ance. Jan asked me to do some visualis-
ation exercises to discover what roles
the feminine and masculine play, and
why I was finding it hard to reconnect
to my inner ‘girl’.
She asked me to personify my inner
man. What does he look like? Hand-
some, strong, impatient, motivated…
Does he get things done? ‘He’s the sort
of man I’d want on my team,’ I said.
‘What role does he play in your life?’
she asked. ‘He looks after me and pro-
tects me,’ I replied. As soon as I said it, I
felt tearful. Jan asked me to imagine my
feminine self. All I could see was a little
girl around 10 who was mischievous
and fun, laughing, but fragile, too – defi-
nitely in need of protection.
Jan asked me to be aware of these
two energies as I go through the day, to
be aware I could turn up my protective
masculine energy when I need it, but to
allow my feminine energy to play, too. ‘It
would be good for you to explore how
you can be feminine and safe,’ she said.
‘Allow your strong masculine side to
step in if you need his energy, but allow
your inner girl out to play. Keep a jour-
nal about how you are feeling each day.’
Back to my childhood
Jan’s words struck a chord with me. I
began to write, in bed, before I started
my day. I found it interesting that my
feminine energy manifested as a little
photographs: zave smith/image source
girl. I wrote about my childhood. Like
many of us, I’d experienced some chal-
lenging times. I wondered if that was
when I decided it wasn’t safe to be fem-
inine. Jan encouraged me to ‘dialogue’
with my inner 10-year-old. ‘Ask ques-
tions in your journal and imagine she’s
going to answer,’ she instructed. I tried,
and found a delightfully mischievous

voice. She was sick of all the work; she
wanted fun. Suddenly, my masculine
protector spewed onto the page – no, it
wasn’t safe. Get back, keep your head
down. Focus on what you can control.
Pete had got up to have a shower and
when he walked back into the room, I
was sobbing into my pillow. He was
horrified; I didn’t even cry when our
dog died. I told him about my journal
and what I was learning. ‘I’ll take the
boys to school, you stay there,’ he said.
He came back and we talked and talked
as he held me. I cried some more. I
hadn’t felt this close to him in years.
Lesson 3:
Make love to yourself
In my last session, Jan instructed me to
get in touch with my body – and touch
my body – specifically my yoni. ‘That’s
Sanskrit for your fanny,’ Lisa added,
helpfully. ‘Book some time alone, make
love to yourself by stroking yourself
all over,’ Jan advised. She suggested I
buy ‘yoni eggs’: ‘You insert them in the
morning and you can be aware of your
feminine power at all times.’
Horrified, I tell Lisa about my home-
work. ‘If you don’t want to get the eggs,
then walk with your fanny. It’s just as
good. Walk as if your fanny is powering
every step,’ said Lisa. ‘It’s getting you
focused on the juicy business of sex at
all times of the day. It’s like magic; I
went from invisible to switching my
bleepers on overnight.’ Jan encouraged
me to bring sexiness into the everyday,
too. ‘Don’t separate the two. Fondle
vegetables in the supermarket. Find a
new erotic connection to the world and
yourself,’ she instructed.
Courgettes and connection
Who knew the supermarket could be
such fun? I found myself in the vegeta-
ble aisle, eyeing up the courgettes and
laughing out loud. I started taking pic-
tures on my phone and sending them to
Lisa. She sent me a filthy commentary
back. A man stood opposite me in the
aisle and smiled. I met his gaze and
blushed. I practised ‘walking with my
fanny’ when I was out doing errands.
It could have been my imagination, but
I seemed to talk to more people that
day than usual. When Pete came home,
he grabbed me in the kitchen and we
snogged – with tongues!
School’s out
Three months on, and something has
definitely shifted. Life is just as busy,
but I feel different. I’m laughing more,
saying ‘fuck it’ to the to-do list and mak-
ing playlists on Spotify instead. I’ve
been out dancing with Lisa, and she’s
teaching me how to dance as well as
how to walk that walk! My inner child
seems to be growing up into a teenager
who is rebelling against routine. No
more ‘martyr mummy’ – I’m letting the
kids and Pete get on with it. The house
is definitely more chaotic, but I don’t
care. I haven’t rolled on a sheepskin rug
but I have rolled around with my hus-
band more – a lot more. And he asked
for courgettes for dinner last night.
For more information, see janday.com
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 63
 my home
‘I feel really grounded
in this house’
Home in Hackney is a place of joyful retreat for portrait photographer Jenny Lewis
WORDS ANDRÉA CHILDS PHOTOGR APHS ALUN CALLENDER
‘This kitchen extension was built into the
house’s side return. We realised there was
potential to add so much extra space’
WE TEND TO think of our homes as
places of retreat and relaxation from
the pressures of the outside world. For
photographer Jenny Lewis, 40, who
has rheumatoid arthritis, her London
house provides even more. Its blend of
energy and calm, buzz and serenity,
creates a restorative, healing space
that helps her manage her condition.
It is also a warm and vibrant family
home, filled with mementoes of her
12-year marriage to Duncan Western,
who runs a TV and film-editing suite,
and their children, Ruby, eight, and
Herb, six. ‘We moved in a month before
64 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
Jenny was going to go for a plain
colour for the kitchen, then saw these
yellow units, and fell in love with them
having Ruby, and Herb was born in the
room next to the kitchen – a water
birth with no midwife. He loves that
story,’ Jenny laughs. ‘When we came
here it was all about having room to
grow as a family, but it wasn’t a huge,
transitional lifestyle swap. I’ve lived
on this block in Hackney for 20 years;
our previous home was a nearby flat. I
feel really grounded here; it’s the same
shopkeepers, the same community. A
lot of my personal photographic pro-
jects are based in Hackney. I like that
they document the people who live
here and, at the same time, record a
‘The mask below our record collection
is from Mexico. I love the richness
and colour of Mexican culture’
slice of social history because of the
homes and workspaces in which the
shots are taken.’
Her latest project is One Day Young, a
series of portraits of local mothers and
their babies photographed within 24
hours of birth. She began the work five
years ago, soon after having Herb, and
has amassed 150 touching portraits that
reveal childbirth as a powerfully posi-
tive experience. Only 40 of the photo-
graphs are reproduced in the project’s
accompanying book; Jenny is posting
the rest on Instagram, with the hashtag
#notinthebooknolessimportant. >>>
 Jenny’s home is an
eclectic mix of old and
new, helping her feel
grounded. ‘A lot of my
personal photographic
projects are based in the
local area,’ she says. ‘I
love living in Hackney!’
Jenny’s book, One Day Young
(Hoxton Mini Press, £12.95) contains
images from her personal project,
photographing mothers and their
babies within 24 hours of childbirth

>>>

ABOVE: Jenny bought

the picture ‘Lion
Rabbit’, by Brooklyn
street artist Gaia, as a
present for Duncan –
they met when they
were at art college. The
furniture is a funky mix
of found items

LEFT: This chair

belonged to a dentist
neighbour of Duncan’s,
‘I don’ t wear heels much since developing who passed it on when
he retired. ‘Herb likes
rheumatoid arthritis. But I do have to pretend it’s a
a great collection of trainers!’ spaceship!’ says Jenny

66 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5

‘Hackney is our home and
we really do love it!’
>>> ‘The project has made me more empa-
thetic and even more open to sharing my
private space. It has also had an impact
on my professional work, photograph-
ing for newspapers and magazines. I
might be working with a famous actor,
like James McAvoy, but I try to treat him
with the same honesty and sincerity as
any of my other subjects. I’m less likely to
hide behind a team or lots of equipment
these days; it’s just me and the camera.’
At home, Jenny edits photoshoots in
her study on the first floor. ‘Ruby and
Herb sleep in the room next door,’ she
says. ‘They go to bed and chatter together
for an hour, not realising I can hear every
word. It’s a lovely soundtrack to my
work.’ Days are divided between pho-
tography and an evolving routine that
‘The photo of Monica Lewinsky was taken
by Polly Borland, who inspired me
to become a portrait photographer’
helps reduce the impact of her arthritis.
‘I developed the condition after I had
Herb. It flares up occasionally – before
Christmas, I could hardly walk – but I
control the symptoms through diet,
acupuncture and doing tai chi,’ Jenny
explains. ‘I feel very fortunate that I’ve
found people I trust to help me through
it, like the Shaolin monk who does my
acupuncture. He doesn’t speak a word
of English, but we manage to commu-
nicate and his treatments are incredi-
ble.’ Jenny has had to adjust her pace of
life. ‘I can’t do kickboxing or train for a
marathon any more. Instead, I’m being
more mindful – I’ve just downloaded
the Headspace meditation app. I’m
naturally fiery and full-on, so it doesn’t
come easy to me!’ she laughs. It seems
my home
LEFT: The walls
in Jenny’s bright
study have
photos of all the
projects she’s
worked on, from
when she was
a student up to
the present day
BELOW: Ruby
and Herb share a
bedroom. ‘They’re
so caring and
supportive of
each other; it’s
lovely,’ says Jenny
like her home acts as the energetic
yang to this enforced yin. ‘It’s why I
chose a yellow kitchen,’ she says. ‘I love
the vibrant sunny daffodil colour.’
The couple extended the kitchen
when Herb was born and it’s where
they spend most of their time. ‘Since
my illness, I’ve given up wheat and
dairy, and I cook with pulses – Duncan
made me wooden shelves for all my
Kilner jars full of beans and lentils,’
Jenny says. ‘My cooking isn’t quick; it’s
like a kind of alchemy, making healing
potions. I find it soothing, with a splash
of mother’s guilt from that feeling of
wanting to feed my children properly.’
Yin and yang, energy and rest, guilt
and letting go… in this house, Jenny and
her family are finding their own balance.
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 67
 Natural Intimate Moisturiser

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ESTHER PEREL
“
on relationships
I want sex more
than my partner ”
If he rejects your advances – does it mean
he’s having an affair? Not necessarily,
says Esther Perel, it may just be stress
K
atie, 35, wants to have sex
more than her partner does.
‘I love him, but it’s like he’s
gone off sex altogether. I’m
worried he’s having an affair. I’ve tried
to talk to him about it but he says he’s
really stressed at work,’ she explains.
‘He’s working late a lot. He has a new
boss, who he doesn’t get on with, but I
work hard too. I’m stressed – but I still
want sex.’ Married to Pete for 10 years,
she’s weathered storms with him, from
redundancy to miscarriage, and got
through the tiring early years of their
daughters, aged six and eight. ‘We’ve
always found sex has brought us closer.’
But now Pete says he’s too tired. ‘I’m
worried this is spiralling to a place
where we can’t reach each other any
more – I feel he’s shutting me out.’
Our sexuality is often influenced by
external circumstances such as busier
work schedules, having a baby, illness or
bereavement. Katie should let Pete
know that she understands the
pressure he feels at work, but also say
she misses the closeness they have
enjoyed all these years. She must say
it from a place of longing rather than
PHOTOGRAPH: christopher lane
criticism, by telling Pete that she
understands his situation and asking
him to understand hers – that she
misses the connection, and is worried
about him. Ideally, he’d be able to reply:
‘I feel lousy and I don’t feel sexual,
but I miss you too and know you feel
lonely and frustrated.’ For a couple, it’s
important that we can be true to our
feelings without dismissing those of
our partner. The ability to hold both
experiences is essential.
But Katie also wonders if it is stress,
or if there’s more behind this unusual
withdrawal. Are there signs to suggest
an affair? Is he acting secretively – does
he take his phone with him to every
room? Is he texting at all hours of the
day and coming home late? Is he more
attentive to his looks or dressing
differently? If someone is having an
affair, typically there are many clues
and changes in behaviour or routine
that suggest something is wrong. If
none of the above bears true, then I’d
opt for innocent until proven guilty.
I encourage Katie to trust her partner.
The cultural stereotype for men is to
be always interested in sex, regardless
of whatever else happens. Men share
this expectation of themselves, too. But
men also react to stress – by becoming
sexually deflated. Sexuality flourishes
in an atmosphere of relaxation and
wellbeing, and it sounds like Pete is
not feeling this. If he’s tired and in the
sights of a new boss, no wonder he feels
overwhelmed, potentially inadequate
and afraid of losing his job. He may feel
the life lab
ESTHER PEREL is a psychologist,
author and speaker regarded as
one of the world’s most insightful
voices on sexuality
GOT A QUESTION FOR ESTHER?
Email esther@psychologies.co.uk,
with ‘ESTHER’ in the subject line
the responsibility towards Katie and his
daughters. If he sees his wife as another
person who expects him to deliver and
whom he can’t satisfy, then he’s more
likely to shut her out. What he needs
now is an understanding partner, whom
he can go to without having to worry
about proving himself or having to pull
another performance out of the bag.
Katie must tell Pete she still finds
him attractive (in her words), and she
misses being physically close to him.
She needs to let him initiate, but
hint that she’s interested (maybe by
touching or kissing him). If possible,
Katie could try to test Pete’s sexual
desire if they get the chance to break
from their daily routine and go on
holiday. This may be a moment of truth.
More inspiration:
Log on: estherperelclasses.com
Read: The Sex-Starved Wife: What
To Do When He’s Lost Desire
by Michele Weiner-Davis
(Simon & Schuster, £10.56)
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 69
 Rich
thinking
[ self ]
Ever thought deeply about your relationship with money?
Claire Jagge hadn’t, until she realised that her attitude
towards her finances might be affecting her bank balance…
H
ere is a close approxima-
tion of the words that
came out of my mouth,
when I first spoke to finan-
cial coach Simonne Gnes-
sen. ‘Money is boring but, paradoxically,
it is also scary. It’s boring, scary and we
humans use it in immoral ways, and
I’m not sure that having lots of money
is good for you.’ Gnessen is no doubt
used to hearing people’s strange atti-
tudes to this crucial thing that makes
the world go round. But it was my first
inkling that my attitude to money
might be a little, well, off.
If you struggle with your finances –
whether it’s keeping track of your
spending or you’re facing major debt
issues – you will know (once the panic
passes), that there are concrete things
you can do to change the situation.
But you may find that you’ve taken the
steps (like keeping a diary of spend-
ing) then, when the immediate con-
cern has vanished, you slip back into
old habits. Or you may find that
although you have no major financial
70 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E a p r i l 2 0 1 5
photograph trunk archive
issues, you just don’t feel like a money
‘person’. You don’t like thinking about
money (it’s boring, it’s scary). Money
is not your friend. You can think of
better, more interesting ways to spend
your time than on paperwork or pen-
sions. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, you
find that money doesn’t come calling
The words
‘spontaneous’ and
‘carefree’ apply to
my relationship with
money. ‘Planning’ and
‘status’, not so much”
very often. If that’s you then, like me,
there might be something deeper
going on than simply not keeping an
eye on your receipts.
Sometimes you only have to talk
out the soundtrack running in your
head to realise how ridiculous it is. As
I made excuses to Gnessen about why
I looked at money in this way, I started
to listen to my own voice, and question
my attitude. There was the first step;
I’d recognised there was something
odd about my approach to money. So,
where was this attitude coming from?
And how could I begin to change it?
History lesson
We talked about my financial history,
but we didn’t discuss boring (ahem)
things like my credit history or what
percentage I was paying into my pen-
sion (though someone like Gnessen
can and will go into that if you need).
Instead, she asked me about my earli-
est memories of money; how my fam-
ily spoke about it and dealt with it, and
about my attitude to discussing
money with my partner. I had less of
an ‘aha’ moment and more of a, ‘duh,
how did I not see that’ one, when we
spoke about my being uncomfortable
with the fact that my partner earned
more than me, and I didn’t know how
to manage that. When I was growing
up, my parents earned an almost equal >>>
‘
 self
>>> salary, so it was easy for them to split
everything down the middle. I have no
model for my situation, so no wonder
I was floundering.
No need to put all the blame on
your parents though – after more dis-
cussion, it turned out my peer group
at university formed my unconscious
perspectives just as much as, say, Dad’s
fear of taking risks. If you hang around
for long enough with indie kids who
think money is a corrupting force,
some of that thinking might stick.
It was odd at first to be talking about
money at all. Think about it – how
often do you discuss your finances
with even close family or friends?
Money is a touchy subject. It’s ripe for
confusion, self-delusion and misap-
prehension because, most of the time,
we try to avoid talking about it. In fact,
one of my childhood lessons was that
it wasn’t polite to discuss finances.
Gnessen then asked me to imagine
money as a person, and to tell her what
I saw. A sleazier banker-meets-travel-
ling-salesman you couldn’t find in a
bad comic. ‘If this man called at the
door, would you invite him in?’ asked
Gnessen. Would I, hell!
I’m no believer in the hocus-pocus
of calling in a desire and watching it
‘manifest’. But it’s hard to deny that if
your attitude to money is as negative
as mine, you’re unlikely to see the mil-
lions come rolling in any time soon.
Attitude and beliefs
How does my attitude affect how I
behave around money? Gnessen used
a ‘Money Habitudes’ card game to get
a sense of how I play with my pocket
money. Turns out the words ‘sponta-
neous’ and ‘carefree’ apply to my rela-
tionship with money – ‘planning’ and
‘status’, not so much. So, I am spend-
ing without much thought, avoiding
saving and ignoring concepts like
investment because I just don’t want
to have to think about money, or have
72 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E a p r i l 2 0 1 5
What’s your money mindset?
These are some answers to the
question, ‘How would you describe
your relationship with money?’
Which one best describes yours?
l ‘Out of control. I feel guilty when
I spend any, even for essentials.’
l ‘Uncomfortable, unsure.’
l ‘Strained. I have to juggle – I’m
always borrowing from one place
to fix another.’
l ‘Pathetic, deluded. Rarely have
a clue about what’s actually in my
bank account.’
l ‘Complex – a love/hate
relationship.’
To uncover your feelings around
money, write out ‘Money is...’ 20
times on a piece of paper, filling in
the blank space each time as you
go with whatever comes to mind.
it near me. We then did an exercise
that involved testing these beliefs.
When your ingrained thinking goes
this deep – mine could be summed up
as ‘money is bad for you’ – then no
amount of budgeting is going to help
until you first change that thinking.
Despite my ‘money is bad’ protesta-
tions, I had also admitted that I liked
what money could do (we talked about
security), but that spending it often
made me feel guilty or dirty. This
push-pull feeling – part of me attracted
to the sleazy businessman, part of me
repelled by him – was creating an
internal conflict that left me stranded
and stagnant when it came to taking
action around my finances. Gnessen
challenged me over and over to explain
why I thought money was bad for me,
using clever questions to tease out
what I really wanted behind all the
conflicting talk (see the box above for
questions you can ask yourself ).
As I imagined a more positive
vision of money, I saw a woman this
time, mid-forties, warm and friendly,
with good hair and long, flowing cream
Here are some further questions to
ask yourself about your money belief
system in order to clearly establish
your mindset:
l What self-limiting belief do
you hold about money?
l How did this belief arise?
l What do you do to reinforce
this belief?
l Describe the opposite, positive belief
and put it in the present tense. For
example, ‘I am completely in control
of my money’.
l How would you feel if you had
this new belief?
l How would you change your
behaviour to reinforce this
positive belief?
l What actions can you commit
to now to support it?
clothes – she wafted baking smells and
perfume (whatever works!). I saw that
I could use money as a useful, sensible
tool, that I could be researching ethi-
cal investments and embracing saving
for future life plans instead of throw-
ing it away on impulsive, consumerist
spending that makes me feel icky.
The coaching gave me a lot to think
about, and I’m still thinking. I won’t
pretend that, three months later, I’m
rolling – Demi Moore-style – in crisp
banknotes. But then, that isn’t what I
want (and it didn’t end that well for
Demi either). I have accepted that
money is inextricably linked to what
I do want to achieve (a warmer, cosier
home, having children, a more secure
future). I’ve started paying money a
bit more attention; thinking of it as
a friend rather than an enemy. And I’m
less bored, more curious; less scared,
more purposeful.
I’m even starting to see the possi-
bilities hidden in the seemingly drab
exterior of a savings account…
Find out more about Simonne Gnessen’s work at
financial-coaching.co.uk
 Next month in
18-PAGE speciaL section

GROWN-UP
SEX
Discover the key to real,
honest, hot sex (clue:
it’s not about tricks
and techniques)
lose the mask
How to bring the real
you to work
Things that go
bump in the night
We’ve got a case of
the ‘night dreads’
What you can learn from
digging into your DNA

PLUS: Perfume for

wellbeing, cleaner eating

Be yourself
and an all-new health section
PHOTOGRAPH: ole graf/corbis

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 the life lab

THE WOR K EX PER IMENT

Draw boundaries between work and life

Every month, Oliver Burkeman invites you to improve your work life

1 THE PROJECT
Thanks partly to smartphones and iPads –
and changes in the economy – we’re now into
the era of what sociologist Dalton Conley calls
‘weisure’, a murky blending of work and leisure
that causes both to suffer. Clever tactics are

2
needed to mentally switch off.

THE AIM
One reason we’re bad at drawing boundaries
is we think bosses need instant responses
at all hours. The other is whenever you get
a message, the brain delivers a tiny reward
– whether it’s a pleasurable email from a
friend, or nagging from your manager. But in
most jobs, you’ll gain a better reputation by
being reliable – responding within 24 hours Willpower won’t be enough
every time, say – than reacting instantly.
to stop you plugging in to work

3
after hours”

4
THE THEORY
Willpower won’t be enough to stop you TRY IT OUT
plugging in to work after hours. Instead, alter ● Use a ‘response buffer’. Make it a habit never

your environment. Don’t check email on the to respond to a message right away. That way,
device you read on in bed or stream movies on you won’t be in the grip of your immediate
your work laptop – that way, the temptation is emotional response when you do reply.
removed. (Delete the relevant apps, if you need ● See work-life balance as a seesaw, not a

to.) More importantly, structure your time tightrope. As several time-management experts
off so it’s harder for work to intrude. We tell point out, ‘balance’ needn’t mean getting plenty of
ourselves we want our non-work time to be family and leisure time each day or week. It could
ILLUSTRATION: ROSE BLAKE/CENTRAL ILLUSTRATION AGENCY

‘free’ and spontaneous, but studies show we mean working all hours for a month, then less the
sometimes prefer work to TV-watching, OLIVER next month. If it suits you better, live cyclically.
precisely because it’s more structured. BURKEMAN ● Set ultra-clear expectations. It may be
is the author of
Set rules – no email after 8pm, say, or a ‘The Antidote: awkward to hold a conversation with your boss
dinner with the kids every night at 6pm – Happiness for about your availability on evenings or weekends
People Who
make firm plans for meet-ups, after-work Can’t Stand – but it will be far more awkward if you let confusion
PositiveThinking’ fester. Misunderstanding is often the real cause
classes and activities. If there’s no space (Canongate,
for work to invade, then it won’t! £8.99) of conflict, rather than anybody’s bad attitude.

JOIN US! DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE SWITCHING OFF? TELL US ON FACEBOOK.COM/PSYCHOLOGIES OR ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 75
THE dossier

Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness

and despair, but manifestations of strength and
resolution” Kahlil Gibran, writer, artist and poet

76 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
Small acts
of
kindness
In a world where success, competition and
showboating are admired, kindness can seem fairly
uninteresting in comparison. It is rarely celebrated
– or even recognised – in many instances. We might
worry our acts of goodwill and benevolence are
seen as weakness, yet kindness is a superpower. It
has the ability not only to improve the lives of those
we show it to, but to also make our own lives more
fulfilled. We investigate what it means to be kind,
how to show compassion with strength, be
successful yet soft, and hear three inspiring real
stories of true kind-heartedness.

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 77
THE DOSSIER

REPORT

KINDNESS WITH STRENGTH

Unfashionable and uncelebrated, it can often feel like kindness is a
sign of weakness. It’s widely overlooked within society, yet we often
need to be surprisingly tough-minded and determined to practise
it. But could kindness be the secret superpower we are all looking
for? Anita Chaudhuri investigates

 K
indness is a funny help us,’ she said. I’ve never forgotten reasons for this. ‘We don’t hear kind-
thing. In theory, we my ice cream angel, and because of that ness being discussed very much
value it as a cardinal one incident, I have sometimes helped because it’s an unconscious habit. We
virtue. And when it other people out in similar circum- take altruism for granted,’ he says.
comes to the minu- stances when it would never otherwise ‘There are so many everyday acts of
tiae of our everyday, have occurred to me. altruism going on all around us and we
small acts of thoughtfulness – be it a never stop to consider how astonishing
surprise cup of tea, a kind word or even TA K I N G I T F O R G R A N T E D they really are. The only reason we
a neighbour lugging the Wheelie bin in But somehow, in a more general sense, don’t hear much about these everyday
on a rainy afternoon – can help us tran- kindness goes uncelebrated. Instead, kind acts is because bad news sells.
scend life’s briar patches. Not only that, it’s the cool, strong-willed types that Humans react much more strongly to
such minor events tend to linger in our we publicly admire. Generosity has a negative stimuli than to positive. If
memory, helping us to feel that maybe something really upsets you, like the
life isn’t such a hostile place, for months, “Altruism will not only meanness of another person towards
sometimes years, after they happened. you, you’re going to discuss that at the
For example, I can still vividly recall
make you happier, it end of the day, rather than talk about
a sweltering June afternoon 10 years will also make you a the person at work who displayed great
ago when I queued in my local corner better human being, friendliness towards you.’
shop to buy a Magnum. Unfortunately and create a better Yet Klein believes that we all need
I was 70p short. Not only that, I realised to make an effort to be kinder – his
that I actually didn’t have even a penny society overall” book cites research that shows kind
more to my name until a cheque cleared acts activate the same synapses in the
the following day. Perhaps that was the weird reputation. We’re ambivalent brain as eating chocolate or having sex.
reason I felt so tearful telling the shop- about it. In general, society mocks the
PHOTOGRAPHS: (PREVIOUS PAGE): GETTY IMAGES

He also encourages us to pay attention

keeper to cancel the sale. ‘do-gooder’ and, in practice, empathy to the small acts of everyday altruism
(THIS PAGE): DAVID JACKLE/IMAGE SOURCE

At that moment the woman behind gets less of our attention than shinier, going on around us. Why? ‘Because
me tapped me on the shoulder. She more exciting qualities such as success, altruism will not only make you hap-
looked as down-at-heel as my finances ambition, and discipline. Altruism may pier, it will also make you a better
and had two squabbling children in tow. well be lovely in theory, but it’s not human being, and create a better soci-
‘Here you go, let me get you it,’ she said. something that many of us actually ety overall,’ he points out.
I protested, but she wouldn’t hear of it, pay much attention to. Writing in Motivation, Altruism,
nor would she give me her contact According to German physicist Personality and Social Psychology,
details. ‘If I can’t afford to buy someone Stefan Klein, author of Survival Of The (Palgrave Macmillan), psychologist
an ice cream on a sunny day, then God Nicest (Scribe, £14.99), there are good Michael Babula cites a 2005 study >>>

78 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5

>>> which showed that people, particularly
older people, who engaged in volun-
teering programmes saw a reduction in
cellular ageing, depression and stress.
And in the 2012 O’Connor study, monks
whose meditation focused on helping
others had much lower depression
scores and were generally more psy-
chologically healthy than those monks
who meditated only on the self.
‘We know from many studies that a
person’s level of altruistic behaviour
depends on how altruistic our fellow
humans are. If I think everybody is
mean and a coward then I will behave
like that too, because subconsciously
I don’t want to become exploited,’
explains Klein. ‘But if I make an effort
to tune into a more balanced mindset,
believing that yes of course, there is
greed and meanness in the world but
many people are kind, at least some-
times, then it will be much easier for
me to help others and do it more often.’
He cites a study where students in
Zurich were asked to give money to a
good cause. If they were told that most
of their peers had donated, then they
would do it. If they were told that hardly
anyone had, they wouldn’t bother.
a K in d e r socie t y ?
But there are signs that as a society, we
are becoming kinder towards a larger
section of our community. Babula cites
the generation who came of age post-
9/11 as having a markedly different
photographs: getty images, jasmin sander/plain picture,
attitude to their predecessors. ‘On
September 11, we had one of the wealth-
iest young generations of all time; their
needs were satisfied, they were pro-
gressing towards “post-materialism”.
jonas gonell/plain picture, istock
But after the World Trade Center
bombings, a lot of young people turned
away from money towards positive
coping strategies, for example there
were queues at blood banks and they
were having to turn people away. That
mindset has continued to flourish
among that generation,’ he says.
the dossier
appeals from earthquake victims to
‘‘No-one is expecting
Ebola, not to mention the legions of
you to donate a kidney people who run, cheer on, or sponsor
to a complete stranger. marathons every year.
Start by helping
H o w w e sho w kin d ness
somebody on the street While, in theory, each of us has a simi-
where such help was not lar capacity for kindness, the way we
expected of you and see demonstrate it varies according to
how you feel afterwards” personality type. Introverts and extro-
verts, for example, show kindness in
different ways. ‘Extroverts are much
more action-oriented – they will
Klein also believes that we are widen-
ing our kindness reach. He points outdemonstrate their kindness by giving
that researchers have long understoodyou a present or hugging you,’ says
that we are generally kinder to our Sylvia Loehken, psychologist and
blood relations, known as ‘kin selec-author of Quiet Impact (John Murray,
£11.99). ‘Introverts are more likely to do
tion’, because we’re unconsciously pro-
grammed to preserve our gene pool. something quiet without even being
But now as a society we’ve become noticed. An extrovert would find it very
hard to do a kind act without anyone
more physically distant from families,
knowing they’d done it. Introverts are
and more socially isolated. In order to
redress the balance, Klein observes very often kind listeners, which is so
precious these days. They like to listen
that we’re willing to include as ‘kin’
and give people their attention. At most
social groups we belong to – colleagues,
supporters of a football team or our social events people seem to love talk-
immediate circle of friends. Somewhating, not listening. When you say some-
thing, you can see that they’re already
optimistically, he believes this theory
could even apply to entire nations. preparing their next move. Introverts
By way of example, Klein’s book are kind by giving people their full
opens with an act of unimaginable attention, and by focusing on what the
altruism. New York construction other person is saying.’
worker Wesley Autrey was waiting on a Another tool of kindness which
subway platform with his two young introverts are more likely to have at
daughters when the man next to him their disposal is empathy, Loehken
suddenly had an epileptic seizure, adds. ‘They observe a lot, listen a lot,
then carefully evaluate what they’ve
stumbled over the edge of the platform
and fell onto the tracks. A train wasseen and heard. In this way they can
already pulling into the station but easily identify with the points of view
Autrey jumped down, grabbed the man of others, which in turn makes them
and managed to shield him from the kind. This does come with its own risk,
five train cars that rolled over themthough. If I as a person understand
both. Unbelievably, both men survivedeverybody, that makes it difficult for
the incident without injury. me to set boundaries. In general, how-
ever, empathy is a secret superpower.’
Klein argues that as society is chang-
ing so, too, is our capacity for kindness.
He cites the thousands of people who The s t r eng t h t o b e kin d
regularly give blood, register to be bone One thing that’s rarely discussed in
marrow donors, make anonymous the context of kindness is how tough-
donations by text to raise funds for minded and determined one needs to >>>
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 81
 THE dossier
>>> be to practise it. By its very definition,
kindness involves going out of your way
to help someone – it might also require
that you speak out against unfairness
or injustice, or justify doing something
you wouldn’t usually do.
‘One danger for introverts, however,
is passivity,’ Loehken points out.
‘Having a calm exterior is great, how-
ever, the desire to avoid difficult situa-
tions is not. So I advise introverts to
draw from their inner strengths of
substance and focus. Many of the
Nobel Peace Prize-winners were intro-
verts. If an introvert can focus on the
important factual points and ideas
that they want to get across – which is
what they really like – they’ll feel far
more comfortable standing up for
themselves. For example, if you can tell
yourself “I’m doing this because it’s
really important to me” then as an
introvert, you can overcome pretty
much anything.’
Loehken also believes that those of
a quiet disposition have deep inner
resources that allow them to keep
going in order to support a cause.
‘Introverts are tenacious, one of their
strong points is purposeful persever-
ance. Kindness and standing up for
your beliefs do come into it. Maybe
introverts aren’t as confrontational
as extroverts but they’re often highly
persevering and patient – allowing
them to push forward in their own way,’
she continues.
‘Think about Rosa Parks, for example,
the woman who more or less sparked
Martin Luther King Jr’s civil rights
movement in the US. She was an intro-
vert sitting on the bus when she quietly
made her point by refusing to give up
her seat, and that changed history. So,
introverts can stand up to others.’
Other examples of introverts who
spoke out for the greater good cited by
Loehken include Mahatma Gandhi,
and computer analyst whistleblower
Edward Snowden.
82 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
P r ac t ical a d v ice
For those of us who would like to be
kinder, but fear being taken advantage
of, Klein has some practical advice.
‘Generally, we are mostly way too afraid
of being exploited,’ he points out. ‘If
you look at the research, what distin-
guishes the most altruistic individuals
is the fact that they are far less fearful
of other people’s motives, so they end
up being kinder more often.’
He advises people to experiment
with being just a little bit kinder every
day to begin with.
‘No-one is expecting you to donate
a kidney to a complete stranger. Start
by helping somebody on the street
where such help was not expected of
you and see how you feel afterwards,’
he says. ‘There is nothing wrong with a
bit of enlightened self-interest – doing
something because it makes you feel
how to be kind to yourself
Anna Pinkerton, therapist, coach and author of How To Smile Again: Recovery
For Those In Public Life But In Private Pain (Powerhouse Publications, £24.99),
advises that learning how to smile again starts with kindness of thought
towards self and others. Here, she shares how to be more kind to ourselves…
l Start by building a relationship with
yourself in this order: Consideration,
Care, Kindness. Begin the journey
gently, as if walking hand-in-hand
with a small child, not rushing them.
You can’t embark on challenging
the brutality of your thoughts in
an unkind way.
l Kindness in action cannot exist
without kindness of thought first.
Gradually silence the self-scorn;
speak softly to yourself instead
and be gentle with your thoughts.
Be best friends to your hurt.
No-one is able to heal amidst
a brutal environment.
good. Then, the next time, do a small
activity that costs a small amount – not
too much – where you think that there
might be some danger of being taken
advantage of. Say your child’s school is
looking for someone to bake cakes for
the next sale. Do it and see how you feel.
Be aware when taking such action that
it’s not a lifelong commitment. If they
ask you to do it again, you’re always
free to say no.’
He also suggests becoming more
sensitive to acts of kindness and gener-
osity that others bestow on you. ‘If you
do, you’ll feel more attuned with the
way the world actually works,’ he adds.
‘You will find that your fear of being
exploited will at least diminish. In fact,
you’re likely to feel so good that you’ll
end up thinking “even if I am taken for
a ride sometimes, so what? It’s defi-
nitely not the end of the world”.’
l Bring your inner kindness to mind
no matter how far away it seems.
One act of kindness to yourself
encourages more, in turn healing and
bringing happiness to yourself and
others. One of your gains will be to be
kind to yourself in thought and action
when you least feel like doing so.
l Being open to your full range of
feelings is the kindest thing you can
do. If we don’t allow ourselves this,
we’re not open to being fully alive.
Psychologies readers can get a special discount
of £10 off ‘How To Smile Again’ (RRP £24.99).
To order, use the word ‘psychologies’ at
howtosmileagain.com. ‘The Magic of Kindness’,
Anna’s UK tour, starts on 14 March in Derby
and also visits Manchester and London.
 BE KIND

HOW TO BE SOFT AND

SUCCESSFUL Is it possible to be soft, yet strong? It
can feel like a battle; grasping for control over our own success and
desires, yet staying true to our values. Hilary Gallo, executive coach
and author of The Power Of Soft, explains it’s a lot like Pilates…

1 1
BUILD A STRONG CORE N U R T U R E A S O F T, O P E N F R O N T
Ask yourself what you really need, at your core. Softness allows space for people to be heard. It’s
Imagine my daughter and I are on the verge of having annoying to be interrupted when we are speaking to
a row about her being home by 10pm every night. Once be told what someone else thinks. Experiment in lis-
I accept that what I actually need is to know she does tening to a friend without commenting. It’s hard but
her homework and gets a good night’s sleep, things change. I unless there is a bit of silence, no-one is really listening.
learn she needs to feel trusted and have some freedom. Once ‘Mmm’ is a good response, as is ‘and...’. Good questions tend
we understand each other’s needs, it’s easier to agree a way to start with ‘What’, such as, ‘What stops that happening?’
forward. Making demands feels like a good way to get what or simply, ‘What’s next?’ If you hear something interesting,
we want, but often has the reverse effect. repeat it back – ‘I notice that…’, ‘So, what
Instead, if we pull back to what we really you need is…’. If you do this for others, in
need at the core, a more fluid way of “Making demands time, they will do it for you.

2
working with others will often emerge. feels like a good way

2
to gain control, but What makes us angry in our
We also try to get external con- external lives is a clue to our own
trol by trying to change others
often has the reverse truths. Pausing and tasting the
and how they act. It’s like shout- effect. Instead, try to anger before exploding gives us a
ing at the TV or the referee: dis- pull back to what we moment to reflect. If other drivers get in
empowering and pointless. Frustrating
though it is, we can’t change others or
really need at the core” our way and annoy us, use the power of
‘soft openness’ to see that blaming others
what we don’t control. But pulling back doesn’t help the other person, the situation
to what we do control is hugely empowering. Our sphere of or us. Anger now is the trigger to help us address our deeper
influence tends to expand once we focus our efforts within needs that are not being met. We might simply need more
it. Applying our efforts to playing, rather than arguing with time or have other emotional needs. Either way, we get to
the referee, is what will win the game. We should hold our recognise and address what really matters for us.

3
sense of commitment at the core, rather than any particular
outcome. If we know what we need, we are far less attached ‘Wishing Well’ is a simple process that can have a big
to any particular way of satisfying our needs. effect. We select strangers that we see, think about

3
them for a moment and, in our thoughts, wish them
Whether we are trying to negotiate a deal or get well for their day. Try to do this for up to a dozen
something done, it pays to think through what we people a day for a few days and see how it makes you feel.
will do if we just can’t make it happen. Do we really Kindness to others can work even better than being kind to
need it? Are there other things we could do? Being ourselves. In a connected world, it’s probably the same thing.
able to have a ‘multi-tracked mind’ takes the pressure off and
allows a decision to happen as it should, rather than as we ‘The Power Of Soft’ will be published by crowd funding publisher Unbound,
in the autumn, after having been successfully funded by readers. Explore more
think it must. It’s hugely empowering to have choices. at unbound.co.uk/books/the-power-of-soft

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 83
THE DOSSIER

Q&A

CAN YOU TEACH KINDNESS?

Why does bullying happen, and how can we prevent it and promote more
kind, accepting environments? We speak to Jenny Hulme, author of How
To Create Kind Schools: 12 Extraordinary Projects Making Schools Happier
And Helping Every Child Fit In, published in April to celebrate the 30th
anniversary of anti-bullying charity Kidscape
INTERVIEW ALI ROFF

Why is it important for us to teach kindness? What if past experiences with unkindness make us
It’s easy for us to assume those of us who’ve grown up in afraid to show kindness for fear of looking weak?
families that value kindness will, naturally, be kind. Life is So many people ask that question because they’ve been made
complicated though, and if the culture of our school, college to feel foolish or been bullied for showing empathy in the past.
or workplace is unbalanced, we may find those things we I was shocked when research showed hundreds of thousands
value are conflicting and competing with each other. We of young people being bullied every day for being kind, or
might know kindness is important, but if we’re suddenly dropped from groups because they were caring for a parent
learning not to expect it, or that it isn’t valued or is seen as or sibling at home, or ostracised for standing up for the
a sign of weakness, it can cause us to hesitate before we act, underdog in their class. Naturally they’re going to carry
however uncomfortable that makes us feel.  that with them, and even wonder if kindness is worth it. But
Children who turn to Kidscape are often as bewildered some of the experts I talked to had helped children see that
by the bystanders as they are by the bullies – those who they it was not being kind that led to them being bullied – it was
thought were kind, but who do nothing to stand up for them being different. It was, crucially, others’ lack of respect and
when bullying starts. They believe it must be something understanding of those differences. The same experts were
about them that’s to blame, and that knocks their confidence helping schools identify how inequitable environments – the
even more. That’s where learning comes in; driving change age-old popular/unpopular culture – can allow differences
by providing the information, skills and confidence children to be stigmatised and bullying to thrive, and children who
– and all of us – need to be able to live our values. seem strong and confident to cross a line and start building
  popularity by becoming manipulative and controlling.
How can our experience with kindness (or unkindness)  
at school affect our relationship with it as adults? So how do we teach kindness? 
Schools say that, for a long time, education has undervalued There can be a real lack of understanding behind
what kindness can bring to adulthood and even propagated unkindness. For example, the young carer, who is often late
the idea that unkindness or bullying is part of growing up for school as a result of a parent’s ill health, and who’s never
– preparing children for adulthood in some way. It’s clear, available to attend social events, can become isolated and
though, that bullying brings no benefits vulnerable to bullying without their peers
at all – either to the bully or the bullied. “It was not being recognising why. The child on the end
It can, instead, trigger a cycle of
victimisation that can last a lifetime.
kind that led to these of homophobic bullying, because of their
looks or hobbies, can feel abused and
Studies have shown victims of bullying, children being bullied worthless, while the rest of the class
including very able children, stand a – it was being hearing so-called ‘gay banter’ gets used
much lower chance of doing well at to mocking rather than respecting
school and are more likely to experience
different, and others’ people who are different. Research into
depression, anxiety and poor physical lack of understanding ‘bystanding’ demonstrates that people
health as adults.  of those differences” who are given a seminar on compassion,

84 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 or were empowered to help others, are more aware of the need for tolerance,
more likely to go against the majority
“We need to bust the inclusion and community engagement.
and help someone in need. But the myth that to be strong Supporting a change of culture is a good
schools and charities I visited illustrated we have to be popular start. Create a more equitable place to
what a complicated thing bullying is. and powerful, and to work, where being kind and supportive
Children require so much more than is the norm. 
just an instruction to be kind.
show that strength If there’s resistance to that, is it
Out of this comes a realisation that comes through better coming from those who want to defend
lessons in kindness and school’s anti- understanding” the status quo? It can come from those
bullying policies had to break down people who don’t really want to share the
barriers and create opportunities via wealth and benefits of social inclusion
mentoring, lunch clubs or visiting role models. Not to single and who, if they’re honest, are slightly fearful of those who are
out or patronise children, but to help them understand each different because of a disability, ethnic or social background,
other (their disability, family situation, sexual orientation, or sexual orientation perhaps.
religion), and to nurture friendships in a more proactive  
way. Then, marginalised children rediscover their How can we cultivate strength with kindness?
confidence and place in a group, while children who’d Perhaps by busting the myth that to be strong we have to
misunderstood them are given the chance to come out of be powerful and popular, and by promoting the fact that
their comfort zone or clique and learn about differences, and strength comes through better understanding and
PHOTOGRAPH: SALLY ANSCOMBE/GETTY IMAGES

about themselves, too. Young people can be pretty marvellous engagement with people. We can do that in our jobs, in our
when given the opportunity, and teachers say they experience home, in our schools – in so many ways. And who knows
a new strength and self-awareness that had nothing to do where it could take us? 
with being popular and everything to do with the new mood
of understanding, equality and empathy in the class.  
  ‘How To Create Kind Schools: 12 Extraordinary Projects Making
How can we do this in the workplace – in our everyday Schools Happier And Helping Every Child Fit In’ (Jessica Kingsley,
£15.99 ), celebrates the charity Kidscape, which has been working to
lives? What can we do if we see bullying? tackle bullying in schools across the UK since 1985
Everyone – from world leaders to teachers – is becoming

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 85
THE DOSSIER
CA SE STUDIES
WHY BEING KIND
BENEFITS EVERYONE
Kindness comes in many different forms, sometimes
so subtle that we barely recognise it, but to those on the
receiving end, it can feel enormous. We hear how
kindness has manifested itself in three people’s lives…
INTERVIEWS ANITA CHAUDHURI PHOTOGRAPHS GARETH IWAN JONES
I believe it is the act of kindness itself
that helps people the most”
Former journalist Jaime Thurston is creator
of the website 52 Lives
‘At 5am one day last year I was shopping
online for second-hand furniture – the
kind of thing you do when you have a
toddler. I stumbled upon an advert from a
woman who was looking for a rug to cover
her broken floorboards. She mentioned
that she had young children and didn’t
want them to hurt themselves.
I felt moved to drop her a line. I didn’t
actually have a rug to offer, but I learnt
more about her situation. She’d had to flee
domestic violence with her children, had
been homeless for a while and now she was
trying to fix up their first safe home. I
remember thinking ‘if only people knew of
her plight, someone would surely help her
out’. By the time my family woke up that
day, I had created 52 Lives. Initially, it was
a Facebook page for family and friends
and it expanded from there. We have the
catchphrase “Because people are good”
and I do believe that – it can sometimes
just get clouded by all our personal stuff.
We post a different story every week about
someone who needs help. We receive
86 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
nominations from all over the world, and
have a network of 3,000 strangers united
by their desire to help someone in need.
I believe it is the act of kindness itself
that helps people the most. For example,
an elderly lady had her handbag stolen,
with her pension in it. People sent in
vouchers to help her. She was overcome
by the fact that complete strangers cared
enough to do this. She told me this was a
turning point in her life; she’d been feeling
so negative about the world until then.
Recently, we asked for messages of
support for a teenager who’d been severely
scarred after a car crash. His mum told us
he could do with some positive messages.
People sent in beautiful video messages,
some who also had scars; one guy just
posted the message: “Remember, scars
are just tattoos with better stories.”
HAIR AND MAKE-UP: HAYLEY MCGREAL
It’s not just helping the individuals we
choose that’s making a difference. People
who read the stories and follow the site are
also inspired by it, and report that they’ve
felt moved to help other people around
them. Kindness has a ripple effect.’
For more, go to 52-lives.org
>>>
 It took courage, but my teacher was so
supportive and my confidence came from that ”
Rhianydd Grace Evans, 18, is a student and an ambassador for the charity BulliesOut
‘Bullying started at primary school. At secondary
school, it got worse; people spread rumours about
me, and things escalated when everyone started
to go on Facebook. Bullying on a social network
is different; if it’s anonymous, it can’t be stopped.
Things came to a head when my so-called friend
created a fictitious Facebook account to portray
the perfect boyfriend for me, using everything
she knew about me. She impersonated him so well,
I honestly believed he was real. I even confided
in him that I was being bullied. It gave me hope;
he made me feel better about myself. Then one day
he stopped talking to me, saying he was moving
to China. I found out later it had been my friend.
Things got very bad after that; at 14, I was self-
harming and suicidal. Eventually, Mum moved
me to another school and things got a lot better. I
made a new friend, Tiffany Davies; such a happy,
smiley person – you couldn’t be sad around her.
She was so kind. My English teacher, Jamie Rees,
88 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
also really helped. I’m dyslexic, but he noticed
I had a flair for public speaking, so he signed me
up for a speaker challenge and I enjoyed it. I went
from being ignored by everyone to being listened hair and make up (Rhianydd): jyn san. hair and make-up (catherine): alex fia
to 100 per cent, and it made me feel so happy.
During Anti-Bullying Week, I spoke to the whole
school about being bullied and how I’d come out
the other side. It took a lot of courage but my
teacher was so supportive and I didn’t want to
let him down, so my confidence came from that.
At college, I heard about BulliesOut, which
benefits from money raised on Red Nose Day. I
applied to its ambassador programme and was
accepted. Now if I can help at least one person
stop feeling that bullying is the end of the world,
I’ve done my job – one less person will feel the way
I did. I hope to become a children’s TV producer,
so I can make programmes to help others.’
Red Nose Day is back on Friday 13 March. Find out how you can
help transform lives at rednoseday.com
 THE DOSSIER

He’d learnt how

to show kindness”
Novelist Catherine Chanter works in child
and adolescent mental health

‘A little boy called George attended a

therapeutic unit where I once worked.
He was six, he’d been in care and was
never to be seen without his toy green
stegosaurus. One day, the tail started to
come apart from it and George became
totally distraught. He threw a tantrum
and chucked it across the playground in
the rain. One of the teaching assistants
rescued the toy, and took it home to
mend. She brought it back as good as
new. George’s eyes lit up when he saw it
and we all thought he was going to hug
the woman. In fact, he walked over,
picked up a biro and stabbed her
viciously, several times.
George had no internal roadmap for
kindness in his brain. When you look
at disturbed young people, all the brain
pathways have to do with being neglected
or abused; they don’t understand the
appropriate response to kindness.
After that, everyone was encouraged
to model small acts of kindness every
day. And such acts were noticed and
commented upon. Two years after the
incident, I saw how such a seemingly
simple process had affected George.
A new girl had arrived at the unit; she
was around 10 and had suffered severe
neglect. She didn’t even have the self-
worth to go and get her own food at
lunchtime. I spotted George looking at
her. Eventually he got up, put food on a
plate and gave it to her. Afterwards, I
saw one of the dinner ladies whisper to
HAIR AND MAKE-UP: HAYLEY MCGREAL

him. A bit later, he walked over with a

huge smile on his face. “Do you know
what Catherine?” he said. “That lady
thinks I’m kind!” It was so sweet because
he’d actually learnt how to show kindness.’
‘The Well’ by Catherine Chanter (Canongate, £12.99)
is out now

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 89
DOSSIER
TEST
HOW KIND ARE YOU REALLY?
Kindness opens our capacity for thoughtfulness, helping to enrich
our relationships and bring peace to the communities we live in. Who
wouldn’t want more of that? So, how open are you to kindness? Take
our specially commissioned test to find out
1 You are stopped on the street by
a charity volunteer asking you to
donate. You think…
● Good for them; they’re really
making an effort to raise funds
■ How annoying!
◆ It’s a pain, but it’s for a good cause
▲ You do not agree with the cause,
and you tell them so
2 After waiting for the lift, it
finally arrives. You get in and see
someone else approaching. You:
■ Pretend not to see them and press
the button for your floor
● Hold the door open until they get in
▲ Press the button: door closing...
◆ Pray that the door closes before
the person gets in
3 Your finances are in the red,
but it’s your partner’s birthday
tomorrow. You think:
◆ Oh dear, you’re going to go even
more in the red now to get them
a great gift
▲You’ll write them an IOU for a gift
and get it when you can afford it
■ You give them a token gift, just
as a gesture
● It’s not a problem – you buy their
gifts months in advance anyway
4 At the queue in the post office, a
foreign woman doesn’t understand
what the assistant is saying. You:
▲ Demand that they speed things up
■ Leave them to it – you’ll come back
90 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
for what you need at a quieter time
◆ Intervene and ask if you can help
● See if you know the woman’s native
language and volunteer to be her
interpreter, or find someone else in
the queue who might be able to help
5 Your best friend is moving
home, but she’s saving money and
not using a removal firm. You:
◆ Tell her you’ll be there to help
■ Lend a hand, if she asks for your
help. Otherwise, you won’t offer
● Mobilise the maximum number
of friends to help her out
◆ Really don’t want to carry boxes
around all day. And you think it’s a
stupid idea not to use a removal firm!
6 Your colleague talks very loudly
on the phone. You:
● Constantly ask them to keep
the volume down
▲ Leave your desk when they make
phonecalls
■ Think that it’s very difficult to
control the human voice, and you’re
glad you don’t have his problem
◆ Put your headphones on to drown
them out
7 The traffic lights change and
the car behind you starts beeping
furiously. You:
■ Call them every name under the sun
▲ Stick two fingers up at them
● Think, ‘this person must be in a
hurry’, and hit the accelerator pedal
◆ Think, ‘there’s yet another super-
stressed person in the world…’
8 For the second time in a week,
your neighbours are keeping
you awake by partying. You:
■ Have it out with them then
and there
▲ Call the police – your patience
has run out
● Remind yourself that they’re young.
Tomorrow you will ask them to be
more considerate
◆ You close your eyes (and ears),
as they are nice people. Otherwise,
you’d complain
9 One of your friends runs a
restaurant. She’s promised to give
you a free meal many times, but
has never set a date. You think…
● The day will come, there’s no hurry
▲ Frankly, all these broken promises
have taken a toll on our friendship
◆ I will suggest a date myself and
TEST COMPILED BY DOMINIQUE FRANCIS AND DOMINIC MAZIN.
see how she responds
■ She must have something to hide,
why else would she behave like this?
PHOTOGRAPH: MIKE HOFSTETTER/PLAIN PICTURE
10 You’d be most hurt to be told
you lacked:
■ Depth
● Generosity
◆ Sensitivity
▲ Willingness
NOW SEE HOW MANY TIMES YOU
PICKED EACH SYMBOL, AND TURN
THE PAGE TO FIND YOUR PROFILE >>>
 dossier
>>> Mostly l
Kindness with
conviction
Kindness is really one of the qualities that define
you. It is so ingrained in you that you would certainly
struggle to behave selfishly towards others – it would
feel completely alien to you. Of course, like everyone,
there are some people who you do feel animosity towards,
especially those who are cruel to others. Generally though,
you make it a habit to see the best in people and keep
things running smoothly among those in your immediate
circle. In fact, you can be so forceful in your positive
viewpoint, that others dare not express negative thoughts
and feelings around you at all. Your attitude allows you
to exercise a great deal of power.
Take care though, that you are not censoring
yourself, or others. Think about it. How far is your
super-tolerant attitude designed to avoid conflict and
tricky conversations? Usually though, your kind heart
plays a constructive role both in your own life and the
lives of those around you, creating harmony for everyone.
Mostly n
Your kindness is
highly selective
With those people who you love and admire,
your kindness knows no bounds. You respond to
their needs with spontaneity and generosity. However, you
are not quite so kind when it comes to helping those you
don’t like so much. You can’t please everyone, you reason,
and there’s no point being a hypocrite. You’d rather make
fun of people you don’t like than get caught in the lie of
expressing kindness towards them. For you, sincerity
and authenticity are your main priorities in life.
However, it is possible to be kind to those you
don’t totally approve of. And sometimes, after you
have decided to help someone out, you might discover
you feel differently towards them. This, in fact, is one
hidden benefit of kindness, and you’ve probably
experienced it yourself. Some people in your circle might
feel a certain coldness in your attitude at times. Are they
wrong? Perhaps you’re afraid of certain types of people
taking advantage of you?
Why not drop this defence once in a while and dare to be
kind towards difficult people, even if it’s just to give them
the chance to experience the contagious feel-good nature
of kindness? You have nothing to lose and possibly a whole
lot of friendship, happiness and satisfaction to gain.
92 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
Mostly ▲
You embrace kindness
in small doses
Before making a positive or negative judgment
about a situation, you feel the need to step back.
Even when you like someone, you’re initially reserved
and cautious before making up your mind about them.
In other words, you do not jump in with kind acts or words
as a way of forming relationships. You prefer more casual
interactions where there’s no chance of obligation,
believing this gives you time to get a clearer picture of
the person in question.
Why all this caution? Maybe it’s a result of a lack
of affection or warmth expressed towards you during
childhood, or perhaps you had an education where
modesty was required. You almost seem a little suspicious
of people who appear to be ‘too nice’, as if they’re waiting
for something from you in return.
Why not instead try an experiment and consider
kindness as a free gift? This is precisely what defines
a kind act. Embrace offers of kindness when they show
up in your life without second-guessing them, and see
how your life changes for the better.
Mostly ◆
Kindness is second
nature to you
You love to please, and ensure that people feel
good around you. To achieve this goal, you do make
a considerable effort. However, ‘effort’ is a misnomer,
because you don’t find it a chore. Creating a warm and
relaxed atmosphere is a top priority for you. You also
photographs: david abades/snapwire, maurizio cigognetti/getty images,
like to help people out and make life easier for the many
friends and acquaintances who gravitate around you. You
are always thinking about the wellbeing of your friends;
you want things to be as pleasant as possible at all times.
Others see you as a tolerant and open person,
and you enjoy having a reputation for being a
vanessa chambard/plain picture, getty images
kind soul. You have learnt from experience that kindness
broadens life’s horizons; it helps you to connect with those
who, on the surface, don’t appear to have much in
common with you. For you, this life-enriching aspect
of kindness is one of its biggest benefits.
Be honest, though. Aren’t you sometimes afraid of being
judged harshly by others when you’re having an off-day?
Especially with your closest friends, allow yourself the
luxury to express yourself fully and authentically without
censoring a word. It’s OK to have a rant once in a while!
 BOOK
NOW! JOIN US!
In partnership with NOW Live Events, we are delighted to offer two
life-changing workshops – with Jackee Holder, coach and author
of Write Yourself Well and with Nic Marks, a renowned expert in
happiness and wellbeing research. Plus, we look ahead to this year’s
HowTheLightGetsIn festival, which we’re appearing at in May

LISTEN TO SUZY GREAVES INTERVIEWING OUR EXPERTS AT LIFELABS.PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK

94 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5

MARCH WORKSHOP
Paper therapy: writing to grow
and thrive
DATE: 11 March 2015
VENUE: Conway Hall, 25 Red
Lion Square, London WC1 4RL
TIME: 7pm-8.30pm COST: £18
In this interactive workshop
with inspirational speaker,
coach, writer and Psychologies’ Life Lab
blogger Jackee Holder, you will learn how
writing can help you live a more meaningful life.
THIS WORKSHOP WILL HELP YOU LEARN:
● How to get excited about journal-writing
for wellbeing, career, and business growth.
● How to have fun writing and making journal
entries regularly that don’t feel like a chore.
● How journalling can self-motivate, improve
productivity and performance so you can stand
out from the crowd.
● Techniques to coach yourself on paper including
juicy journal prompts, templates for writing
letters, poetry and thank-you notes.
● How just by turning up to write
(it doesn’t need to be perfect), you
improve your chances of greater
life-satisfaction.
MAY FESTIVAL
HowTheLightGetsIn
DATE: 21-31 May 2015
VENUE: Hay-on-Wye, Herefordshire HR3 5GB
TICKETS: Earlybird prices from £7 per session
Psychologies is delighted to be partnering again
with the HowTheLightGetsIn festival this year.
It’s the world’s largest philosophy and music
festival, and will feature sessions with speakers
such as Laurie Penny and Lyse Doucet, and
performers from Cara Dillon to Noisettes. We will
JOIN US! BUY TICKETS FOR FUTURE EVENTS AT NOWLIVEEVENTS.ORG/TICKETS
events
APRIL WORKSHOP
Happiness at work: a crazy idea
or realistically achievable?
DATE: 8 April 2015
VENUE: Conway Hall, 25 Red
Lion Square, London WC1 4RL
TIME: 7pm-8.30pm COST: £18
Typically we spend more than
100,000 hours at work in our
lifetimes. After sleep, it’s our second biggest daily
activity. So while being happy at work might
sound weird, the alternative isn’t attractive.
IN THIS WORKSHOP – a mixture of interesting
research and hands-on exercises – you will learn:
● How happiness at work helps us perform better
● How to be happier at work
● How to create a happier workplace for you and
your colleagues
Nic Marks is a recognised expert in happiness and
wellbeing research. His TEDtalk on the Happy
Planet Index and the Five Ways to Wellbeing has
been watched over a million times. Recently he
founded Happiness Works – a business
with a social purpose – to create
happier workplaces.
See ted.com/talks/nic_marks_the_happy_planet_
index and happinessworks.com
be hosting a debate on Desire, Dreams and
Happiness on 24 May. Many believe wealth, love
and fame bring happiness, but Proust warned that
PHOTOGRAPH: LOTTIE DAVIES/IMAGE SOURCE
while desire makes life blossom, possession makes
it wither. Is there more value in desire and aspiration
than in arrival? And, if so, should we seek better
dreams and fantasies to enrich our lives? What
do you think? Come along and join the discussion.
For more information, and to book tickets and accommodation,
see howthelightgetsin.iai.tv
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 95
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A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 97
the boost } beauty

TRUTH
SERUM
One in four UK women currently use a facial serum. If you’re one of
the other three, here’s what you need to know before taking the plunge
WORDS EMINé ALI RUSHTON PHOTOGRAPHs trunk archive

T
he cabinet in my bathroom is small – it’s better
that way as I don’t like clutter. At present it
holds 37 items, five are my husband’s – 24 of the
remainder are serums. I’m always questing
after a great serum – one that brings about a
noticeable improvement quickly and without irritation, that
smells and feels good, that isn’t packed full of ingredients that
seem better added to rocket fuel than applied to skin. Though
my routine is reasonably pared down
(for a beauty journalist), I do rely on
serums and notice a significant change
in the texture and radiance of my skin if
I go more than a week without one. The
molecules in serums are smaller, designed
to better penetrate the epidermis and
upper layers of the dermis to bring about
more significant change. They work
faster than creams as they’re more
deeply and easily absorbed, and are very good at evening skin
tone, hydrating and speeding up cell renewal.
A good serum should sink in quickly and never leave skin
feeling tight or dry. Conversely, if skin feels tacky, it’s likely
you’ve used too much. If skin always feels tacky even if you’re
using less than the suggested amount, it could be a duff prod-
uct and you should check the brand’s return policies – more
reputable brands than ever before will now refund if you’re
dissatisfied. If not, take to Twitter!
I test many serums, but patience is also a virtue here. While
I won’t stick with anything that smells too strong, feels uncom-
fortable or causes surprise spots (if your skin is ordinarily clear
and you’ve broken out unexpectedly in places where you’ve
used a new product, it’s possible this is the cause), I will give a
promising serum a month to see if it’s taking my skin in the
right direction. More pronounced
Patience is a results will take between eight and 12
weeks. Navigating the market is tricky
virtue here: more – even for me, with all the science, press
pronounced results releases and samples in front of me. Ask
yourself – do you want an all-round
will take between anti-ager (lines, dark spots, elasticity)
eight and 12 weeks” or a targeted treatment (deep hydra-
tion, redness reduction, firming)? Do
you want a lightweight watery liquid or
a silkier oil-serum? Do you want 100 per cent natural and
organic, or does neither matter as long as it works?
Of my 24 cabinet contenders, seven impressed. And of the
25 I handed out to my regular group of testers, all of differing
age and skin type, seven came back with visible seals of
approval. Here then, are the 14 serums, old and new, that get a
nod for efficacy, ease of use and delivery of on-packet promise. >>>

98 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A
MPARRICL H2 0
2 1051 5
 the boost } beauty
>>> FOR DRY or DEHYDRATED SKIN
Dryness and dehydration are different things – dry skin is a
type; dehydration is a condition. Dry skin lacks natural sebum;
dehydrated skin lacks water. Dehydrated skin often shows
feathery fine lines across forehead and cheeks, and can seem
‘delicate’, feel taut and be prone to flaking. Dry skin, too, is
prone to flakes and tightness, but may also be easily sensitised
and feel rough or scaly to touch. Skin can be both but, in my
experience, it’s unusual for one serum to treat both concerns
effectively. Hydrating serums contain humectants (such as
hyaluronic acid) that draw water to them and hold it in skin
for longer. Nourishing serums have lightweight oils to help
normalise and boost skin’s sebum levels. A good nourishing
serum, which tackles dry skin, low in sebum, won’t always
need to be chased with a cream. But a water-based hydrating
serum for dehydrated skin still needs a layer of cream or oil on
top to properly seal in that water, and nourish.
TO NOURISH
Diet aside, skin needs feeding from the outside, too. After a
winter of central heating, my usually moist skin dried out con-
siderably. I tried masks, hydrating serums and a different
moisturiser. But it wasn’t until I used a richer serum, Decléor
Aromessence Marjolaine, £44,that my skin bounced back –
healthy-looking, supple and comfortable within days. A new
staple, I’ll be using it every winter. Another lovely find is Josh
Rosebrook Deep Hydrating Serum, £65 – an oil-serum, it
contains some heavy-duty oils, yet is light and well-absorbed.
Omegas from sea buckthorn and neem, with antioxidant and
soothing chickweed, marshmallow root and fennel seed oil,
make this a wonderful all-natural serum.
100 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
TO HYDRATE
As many of us live or work in cities and are subject to air con-
ditioning and central heating, dehydrated skin is a common
issue. I’ve tried dozens of water-boosting serums, but remain
loyal to only a couple. Sarah Chapman Skinesis Intense
Hydrating Booster, £58, is thin and light – like water – but
very high in hyaluronic acid and sodium hyaluronate, along
with skin-soothing beta-glucan and rosewater. Pestle & Mor-
tar Pure Hyaluronic Serum, £33, is also on to something with
a silky, never-sticky formula – even when I’ve overdone it, it
hasn’t turned tacky. One tester raved about Indeed Labs
Hydraluron Moisture-Boosting Facial Serum, £24.99, which
drip-fed her 30-year-old skin back to normal – after a winter
of dryness, flaking and discomfort, a week of using this made
her complexion feel good again. Kiehl’s Hydro-Plumping
Re-Texturizing Serum Concentrate, £40, is a pioneering
product that tackles age-related dehydration; a condition
whereby skin’s compromised moisture content causes skin to
look older than it is. Formulated without waxes (which might
impede absorption), and with a unique texture that feels as
though the serum ‘bursts’ with water upon application, 29 trials
showed that while molecules didn’t pass the epidermal layer,
moisture reached down through 10 measurable layers of the
stratum corneum (skin’s outer layer). A 53-year-old tester said
for stockists, see page 140
that after a month’s use, her skin was much improved –
smoother, plumper and with less noticeable forehead lines.
TO SOOTHE
After an unfortunate depilation incident with some caustic
hair removal cream, MV Organic Skincare Daily Skin
Soother Booster, £59, was about the only thing I could apply >>>
 the boost } beauty
>>> without my skin crying out in protest. With camellia, jojoba,
carrot and calendula oils, this oil serum is rich but absorbs
beautifully, leaving skin with a dewy afterglow. Don’t be put
off by the product’s diminutive size – the little aluminium can-
ister actually holds 35ml and two drops is enough for the
entire face (mine’s a year old and still going strong).
TO REPAIR and FIRM
I’m working my way through Grown Alchemist’s 100 per cent
natural line, and so far, nothing has disappointed. My latest
discovery is Age Repair Serum, £76, which uses two
nature-derived peptides to smooth expression lines and a pat-
ented natural antioxidant complex to protect skin from oxy-
gen, carbon and nitrogen free-radicals. My 55-year-old tester
was given Estée Lauder Re-Nutriv Ultimate Diamond
Sculpting/Refinishing Dual Infusion, £255. She put it to the
test for two months and has seen noticeable improvements in
firmness across her jaw, neck and cheeks. The ingredients list
may be exclusive (containing Black Diamond Truffle extract,
24-karat gold and South Sea pearls), but my stoic tester cared
not a jot for this, simply remarking that skin was more lumi-
nous and face more defined than before. The only thing she
didn’t like was the powerful woody-floral fragrance which she
thought was too strong.
Another member of the Psychologies team tried Stratum C
Menopause Repair Serum, £49. She found the peptide-rich
product very liquid in texture, but did notice a difference in
the appearance of fine lines around her eyes. Despite having
sensitive skin, there was no reaction, and the jojoba and apri-
cot oil base felt nicely nourishing, too.
TO BRIGHTEN and EVEN
My 34-year old tester has travelled widely and spent a lot of
time in the sun. A fan of natural formulas, she was surprised
102 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
to get Olay Regenerist Luminous Skin Tone Perfecting
Serum, £29.99, to test. The new ‘sepiwhite’ active – which is a
melanin-suppressing amino- and fatty-acid complex called
undecylenoyl phenylalanine – works to support niacinamide,
which has been proven to increase cell turnover, which speeds
up the breakdown of melanin deposits. It’s now the one
non-natural product in her regime – because it’s worked.
A stubborn patch of dark spots over her left cheek has visibly
faded over the two months she’s been using it, she says.
TO DE-STRESS SKIN
Darphin Exquisage Beauty Revealing Serum, £75, is rather
special. It’s 94 per cent natural and has a second skin texture,
plus an ideology that sits well with us, too – ‘a woman’s skin
is a mirror reflecting her life’, so why ever attempt to erase
those experiences? This serum is ideal for those looking
to counteract the signs of stress and tiredness – artemia
plankton extract revitalises fatigued skin, while artichoke
leaf provides a powerful environmental shield that soothes
and prevents further irritation. Eminence Citrus & Kale
Potent C+E Serum, £75, was given to a friend in her mid-
forties who uses only organic products, and the 16 per cent
vitamin C content makes it a potent antioxidant-booster. She
noticed that skin felt healthier, more radiant and less ‘grey’
– and has repurchased since.
TO STRENGTHEN SKIN
Launched last year, Oskia Super 16 Anti-Ageing Serum, £80,
is a true multi-tasker. Using an all-natural retinol equivalent
(taken from babchi seeds) that has been proven to prevent the
breakdown of collagen and elastin, it also protects against free
radicals (caused by pollution, UV, stress – the list goes on).
Lupin seed extract firms, while an unusual type of sea fennel
has been shown to reduce pigmentation.
 THE BOOST } beauty edit

2
3ON GUARD
The sun may not be

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they can still affect
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the Ages fragrances Day Screen SPF 50. It
encapsulate the
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Jo Malone
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styling advice to women

Find
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focus
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5
what they were doing and how they were
feeling, those who said they were focused
on a task reported significantly higher
WIDE OPEN levels of happiness. Do you find it hard SOS
I always adhere to the
to focus? I do – performing my morning In the colder months my
theory that one should
and evening beauty ritual is one of the lips become very dry, so
either focus on the eyes
rare times my mind and hands are in when I find a product
or the lips when it comes
that brings them back to
to make-up. Benefit sync. My bounty of products to pep up
life, I bulk-buy. Aveda
Roller Lash, £19.50, lets skin in the morning and treat it at night Nourish-Mint Rehydrating Lip Glaze, £16,
the eyes take centre
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FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140

stage. The Hook ‘n’ Roll

infused with plant emollients, soothes
creams have been ditched in favour and smooths, while the range of both
brush grabs, separates,
lifts and curls, while the
of oils, balms and serums to treat my bold and pretty shades ensures I have
jet black formula will personal skin concerns, from sensitivity something to wear on any occasion.
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A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 105
 the boost } wellbeing

Take your
mind
for a walk
Forget a miracle cure – exciting new thinking in
neuroscience suggests we can keep our brains healthy.
Caroline Green talks to psychiatrist Dr Norman Doidge
about our ‘plastic brains’, and how to exercise them

W
e’re living longer lives
than ever before, but it
seems to be happening
at a price. Dementia
statistics – age-related degenerative
disorders that include Alzheimer’s –
make for scary reading. In 2015, there
will be 850,000 people with dementia
in the UK, two-thirds of whom will be
women. Within 10 years, it’s believed the
figures will increase by 40 per cent. It
isn’t just sufferers who are affected;
there are currently 670,000 carers of
photograph: christine schneider/corbis
thought. It’s ‘neuroplasticity’ – our
brains are ‘plastic’ and constantly capa-
ble of growth, change – and even healing.
Your brain’s five-point plan
Although the idea of neuroplasticity has
been around for many years, psychiatrist
and psychoanalyst Dr Norman Doidge
says attitudes are taking time to change.
‘This concept is not remotely controver-
sial in the lab,’ he says. ‘But intellectual
revolutions always unfold over time.’
And there’s no doubt that this is a
While in the past our brains were
often seen as merely ‘bags of chemicals’,
we are now using the knowledge that
they’re susceptible to change at a cellu-
lar level – that includes the ability to
regenerate and heal. In his new book The
Brain’s Way of Healing, Dr Norman
Doidge looks at instances of the reversal
of symptoms of diseases such as Parkin-
son’s, through exercise. While no-one
really knows whether it is possible to
stave off age-related brain degeneration
in individual cases, there is good reason

people with dementia in the UK. It’s a
cruel disease that robs people of memo-
ries and dignity, leaving friends and fam-
ily to pick up the pieces. But before you
file all this under ‘things I can’t control
and may as well not worry about’ – wait.
A developing branch of neuroscience
is revealing that our brains have more
ability to continue growing than we
revolution in thinking about brain sci-
ence. The model for many brain prob-
lems has been to see them as forms of
chemical aberration, ‘as pathologies
that need drugs to prop up the failing
system,’ he says. ‘But there is more to it.
We underutilise the patient’s own abil-
ity to use their minds, as well as mental
and physical exercise.’
to believe that certain activities have
a protective role.
A major study at Cardiff University
over 30 years followed more than 2,000
middle-aged people living in Wales. It
found that certain lifestyle choices could
lower the risk of mental decline and
dementia, including Alzheimer’s, by
a whopping 60 per cent. They were: >>>

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 107
 the boost } wellbeing
>>> l Exercise. This should be vigorous,
such as walking at least two miles a day
or biking 10 miles a day. Exercise was
found to be the single most powerful
contributor to a lower risk.
l A healthy diet, which included at least
three or four servings of fruit and vege-
tables a day.
l Keeping weight down, with a body
mass index (BMI) between 18 and 25.
l Going easy on alcohol intake.
l Not smoking.
If you do one thing, walk
‘Many people are passively waiting for
researchers to find a magic pill that will
stop Alzheimer’s,’ says Doidge. ‘If I told
you we have a way of lowering the risk by
60 per cent and it was a drug, it would be
the most popular drug going.’
Exercise seems to have a particularly
important role and it has been found
that when we walk, we produce new cells
in the area of the brain known as the
hippocampus, which plays an important
role in spatial awareness, and in turning
short-term memories into long-term
ones. A study at the Mayo Clinic in the
US recently found that in adults who did
regular aerobic exercise for a year, the
Brain box
Try these brain exercises, and others, at brainhq.com
■ hawk eye
These brain speed
exercises help your visual
precision by asking you
to locate specific birds
in your peripheral vision,
even when they appear
on screen for a very short
time. At first, the birds
are fairly distinct and
appear close together
and are presented on a
simple background.
However, as you increase
your level, it gets more
difficult and the visuals
108 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
When we walk,
we produce new cells
in the hippocampus,
so your brain literally
grows stronger
through exercise”
hippocampus actually got bigger. So
your brain literally grows bigger and
stronger through exercise. Walking was
the focus in these studies, and it does
seem as though walking is especially
beneficial. Why? There’s an interesting
theory about this.
Neuroscientist Dr Fred Gage and his
colleagues at the Laboratory of Genetics
at the Salk Institute in the US, discov-
ered that exercise causes the brain to
make new brain cells. Gage has sug-
gested this could relate to the activities
of our earliest human ancestors. Doidge
elaborates: ‘When did animals such as
ourselves walk? It was usually when we
had to leave the existing environment
because of predators or to find food. We
had to go to a new environment and,
when we got there, we had to explore and
change in several encourages the brain to
different ways. As you extract information from
improve, the birds flash your field of view more
on screen for less and quickly. It does so by
less time and the focusing your attention
challenge gets harder. on a task in the middle
of the screen: you have
■ Double Decision to choose which of two
This uses a visual cars you saw after one
training and assessment appears briefly in the
technology called UFOV middle of the screen.
(Useful Field Of View), But at the same time,
which gets you to work you have to notice where
at the edges of your field a Route 66 road sign
of vision, so it gradually appears in the periphery
expands outwards. It also of the screen.
learn all about it. The brain may have
adapted to anticipate that when an ani-
mal goes on a long walk, it will be enter-
ing a new environment that it will
explore and learn about – hence the
brain forms new cells for that task. All
forms of exercise are good for us and
therefore our brains but, if there is a
panacea in medicine, it’s walking.’
Not all learning is equal
Doidge believes mental exercise could
also play a role in preserving brain cells.
You may have read articles suggesting
that doing an occasional crossword are
all that’s needed to keep your brain in
shape. But not all ‘brain exercises’ are
created equal, he explains.
‘Our brains evolved to learn,’ he says,
‘but the learning has to be demanding.
Reading the newspaper isn’t enough,
because that’s a skill you mastered long
ago. You have to engage in skills that
have some novelty and challenge, so
you’re working harder than normal.’ He
is impressed by a programme called
BrainHQ (see box), that was developed
by neuroscientists. But learning a new
language, a new dance or musical instru-
ment could all have a beneficial effect.
‘When you put a demand on the brain, it
fires clearer, faster signals,’ says Doidge.
Mental and physical exercises have
different effects. It’s now known that
cognitive exercise stops existing neu-
rons from degrading and wasting away,
plus it helps build new connections.
Physical exercise has many benefits,
including growing neurotrophins; these
are proteins important for the growth,
health and survival of certain brain cells.
‘I really want people reading my book
to be clear that I am not claiming to cure
dementia,’ says Doidge. ‘I’m talking
about deferring it, so that hopefully you
don’t experience dementia’s effects
before you die. I am trying to show what
you do with your life can have an impact.’
‘The Brain’s Way Of Healing’ by Norman Doidge
(Allen Lane, £20), is out now
 THE BOOST } wellbeing notes

SPRING HARVEST Mitchell and

Peach English
An elegant brand that Leaf, £55/50ml

captures England’s
botanical bounty in
bottle-form, Mitchell
and Peach’s new scent,
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with mown meadows,
mud, morning dew and
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Glory be.

It’s time to...

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Handcrafted, small batch, organic,
vegan – impressive ethics undersign

yourself
BEING, a brand new offering from the
USA, whose USP is good for ‘skin and
soul.’ Its Still Salt Bath, £12, is a
simple mix of Himalayan pink salt and
Dead Sea salt, with ylang ylang and
GOING APP
Dr Howard Murad is founder of the
Spring is my favourite season geranium oils. And as the sea will not

Inclusive Health Movement, which
believes we need to support both our
bodies and minds. He also supports
art therapy, and his beautiful paintings
(above) form the inspiring backdrop
of his free app, Dr Murad’s Inspirations,
which delivers a daily confidence boost
– and who doesn’t need that?
IN A FLASH
Melvita has
forgone chemical
preservatives
altogether to
produce Apicosma
Soothing Cream,
£30. Flash-
sterilised (think
FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140
– suddenly there’s colour, scent come to me, I’m more than happy to
bring the sea to my tub.
and the promise of a new start.
But first we need to shake off
winter! Boost your immunity with a proven
daily probiotic, and try to eat seasonal
produce – in-season local fruit and veg is up
to 60 per cent more vitamin- and mineral-
rich than produce that’s imported, or
hot-housed out of season. If your skin is dry,
use a hydrating serum (see page 98), then a
nourishing face oil (try Darphin, MV Organic
Skincare and Annee de Mamiel). Also, add oil
to your bath (I like Weleda Calendula Oil – safe
for all the family). Or fill a piece of muslin with
a cup of oats, the contents of two camomile
teabags and several lavender sprigs. Bundle
the cloth up, secure with a ribbon and let the
water run through it. The oils and milk that
are released will help calm and hydrate, and

of UH T milk),
make for a mind-soothing soak, too.
then hermetically
sealed, the result
is hygienic, stable Beauty and wellbeing director
and natural.

WANT TO MAKE A LIFE CHANGE? DOWNLOAD TRANCEFORM 3T FOR MOTIVATIONAL GUIDANCE, FROM £1.99 AT THE APP STORE OR GOOGLE PLAY

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 109
Could you taste the difference?
Koko Dairy Free Original tastes remarkably similar to semi-skimmed cow’s milk, yet it’s
totally free of dairy, soya, and animal fats.
Made from freshly pressed coconut milk its 2% fat content provides medium chain fatty
acids (MCFAs) that are more easily digested than saturated animal fats.
Forti!ed with calcium and vitamins, it not only looks like ordinary milk, but you can use it
in just the same way. In tea, coffee, with cereals and in cooking. The light, fresh taste
won’t dominate the foods you make, so you’ll !nd you can use it as a direct replacement.

Koko Dairy Free – a no sacrifice alternative to cow’s milk.

CUK-M-123

www.kokodairyfree.com
 THE BOOST } hype-free health

Crazy for
coconut
Every month, we bring you
the definitive facts around
the latest health trends

THE HYPE

E
nticed by the
promise that
coconut oil can
boost body and
brain wellbeing, we’ve
bestowed it with a health
halo that has us scooping THE FACTS
it into smoothies and
spreading it on our toast. ● Over 200 studies highlight coconut oil’s it’s broken down and passed from the body.
ability to settle malabsorption syndrome (a This lowers cholesterol, which is thought to
And the craze also goes
disorder affecting nutrient absorption), hinder protect against stroke and heart disease.
beyond the kitchen. Aside
tumour growth, fight viruses and protect
from its moisturising cortical neurons in mice, which may have ● It has a high smoking point for cooking, so
properties, we’re also implications for Alzheimer’s disease in humans. it’s less likely to denature and form dangerous
swishing coconut oil around free radicals (linked to cancer) in the body.
our mouths in honour of ● It is high in healthy saturated fat which
the Ayurvedic ‘oil pulling’ binds unhealthy saturated fat (LDL or low- ● Coconut milk is high in medium chain fatty
method, which is said to density-lipoprotein cholesterol) and carries acids and lauric acid, which the body converts
it away from the arteries to the liver, where to help it fight infection.
detox the body and whiten
teeth. The coconut water
market alone is now worth
£22 million in the UK*.
THE VERDICT

1 4
Food forecasters predict Coconut oil is a great oil to cook with Coconut butter is a nutritious spread
that coconut sugar will take
*ACCORDING TO NIELSEN STATISTICS CITED BY PEPSICO

and consume regularly. But cooking with that contains all the benefits of the oil
centre stage in 2015, as it butter, ghee or avocado oil is fine, too. and is also packed with fibre.
WORDS: PERDITA NOURIL. PHOTOGRAPH: ISTOCK.

has a lower glycaemic index

than its refined white
counterpart. Yet with
2 Coconut water, high in potassium, has
been touted as more hydrating than
water – not true. But it is a better option
5 Coconut syrup (try Bali Nutra Coconut
Syrup, £10.50) is our go-to sweetener: it
contains mineral nutrients and is 70-79 per
post-workout, as it helps replace lost nutrients. cent sucrose, so it’s low in harmful fructose.

an overabundance of
discombobulated
information, separating
facts from fad can prove
somewhat challenging.
3 6
Coconut flour is packed with fibre and While the coconut has a multitude of
protein, so it’s a good alternative if you benefits, it’s not a magic ingredient. It’s
have glucose allergies. However, it must important to incorporate the right remedies
be blended with other flours (try rye or rice to suit your lifestyle so they work in
flour) to get the desired effect for baking. symmetry for greater health and vitality.

NEXT MONTH: WE INVESTIGATE INTRAVENOUS VITAMIN DRIPS – ARE THEY AS EFFECTIVE AS THEY CLAIM TO BE?

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 111
 TIROFEBEDING
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Psychologies April 15

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NATURAL HEALTH C ARE SINCE 1916
 THE BO OST } positive fitness

Get moving
Each month Amerley Ollennu tests the latest fitness trends, delving
into the psychology of exercise to give you the tools to get and stay fit

S
o, is your body your temple? Mine associations with fitness. As I test theories,
is, but not in the way you’d expect. workouts, and dip into the psychology of
After a year of working on my exercise, I hope to prove to myself and
emotional eating issues – not dieting, not you that getting – and staying – fit needn’t
weighing myself, leading a more balanced be a chore.
lifestyle – I’ve learnt the true meaning
of that phrase. It’s about committing READY, SET, GO...
to loving your body whatever its shape ‘Gung-ho beginnings make for injury-
or size, and realising that being good to induced abrupt halts,’ says Lee Mullins,
yourself can include a glass of wine or founder of the Workshop gym at the afterwards. Some personal trainers offer
some chocolate from time to time. Bulgari Hotel in London. His pre- mobility screenings, but if you don’t have
Keeping fit is an integral habilitation programme access to one, visit our website (see below).
part of treating your body I hope to includes a movement
with kindness. Have you prove to you screening to identify ONE MONTH ON...
resolved, like me, to get fit in imbalances in seven I’ve taken heed of Mullins’ advice to
2015, then let work, family or
that getting fundamental movement ‘take it slow’. He says, ‘fitness is achieved
friends scupper your plans? fit needn’t be patterns that are key to gradually, so power-walk before attempting
I have. This, says mental
performance coach Andy
a chore’’ effective training. The
majority of these can
to run, and use your body weight before
graduating to weights.’ I’ve been realistic
Barton, is due to associations many of us be improved upon, but it’s important to about how many times a week I can do
have with exercise. ‘“It’s hard work, I hate address them before you begin to train. a workout, and have made an effort to
doing it” are the types of things we say to In my case, mobilising drills, including do simple things like take the stairs or go
ourselves before we even start, indicating self-massage with a foam roller, dynamic for a walk at lunch, and feel better for it.
we think of exercise like a punishment,’ stretching and elevating my heels with For Mullins’ top five mobility exercises,
says Barton. But moving can have such a block when doing squats all made see psychologies.co.uk/five-steps-
positive-fitness
far-reaching benefits that we owe it to a difference to how I perform in my Next month: Amerley gets fit online. You can
ourselves to create new positive workouts and how my body feels follow Amerley on Twitter @amerleyo

STARTER KIT
Adidas
Ultimate
‘Don’t just use a Fit
PHOTOGRAPH: CHRIS TUBBS. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140

foam roll post- Tights,£33

exercise – it’s a Adidas

Flash
pre-workout tool, Orange
too. It can release tee, £25

tightness in the
muscles, improve
flexibility, and
Trigger
Point foam
decrease risk of Punch Foods
Superseeds Meet If you look the part it’s
roller, £35 injury,’ says Mullins Your Maca £3.99 easier to act the part,too

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 113
Powered by Grace Belgravia

Wake -up
CALL
Eminé Ali Rushton teams up
with Grace Belgravia for a holistic
approach to health and happiness

M
y stock response to the
question, ‘how are you?’ has
become ‘good, happy, but
tired.’ It’s the truth, but it’s also doing me
a disservice. I am almost certain that I’ve
started to look more tired since continually
saying I am tired… or maybe it’s my age
catching up with me. What if, perhaps,
I woke up (knackered), but convinced
myself that I was brimming with energy,
strong, vital, powerful? Would my body
IS TIREDNESS IN THE MIND?
Mike Newall,
Zen Buddhist and
mindfulness coach
‘The powerful but
simple technique of
meditation, requiring
only 10 minutes twice a
day, changes our brain
plasticity sufficiently
to allow us to see the
way the mind makes us
dance to the demands
of our daily lives. Once
this is apparent, we
can react accordingly.
Mindfulness is about
and face follow suit? Mindfulness coach
Mike Newall (see box below), believes
they would. My new approach to sleep,
rest and tiredness has changed as a result
of this shift in thinking. I assume I won’t
get a great night’s sleep, but if the babies vitamin C (commonly low when
decide to slumber peacefully, it’s a lovely sleep-deprived or stressed), I ensure
surprise and one that I am ever thankful I top up these deficiencies and that
for. When tiredness deepens, knowing my diet supports me as well as it can.
that my body will be depleted of omega 3, The wonderfully straightforward
B-vitamins, iron, magnesium and Grace nutritionist Gabriela Peacock
believes the only way we can keep our
energy levels stable and optimal is to eat
a combination of protein and complex
rapidly accessing the to redirect the habitual carbohydrate at every meal, and every
“now” in our lives, actions and reactions three hours (three meals, two snacks).
which adapts our of thought and emotion So often, the ‘issue’ in our life is the thing
brains and stops them into an efficient, more that gets most air-time in our minds,
wandering. When our enjoyable existence. but by shifting the power to the positive
brains become focused Tiredness, along stuff – yes, I’m tired and that feels
and under our control, with other unwanted horrible but I’m also lucky to have X,
life gets easier. physical sensations, Y and Z, and enjoy A, B and C – can be
Once we delve loses its potency the key to taking back some control
into how the mind’s and life becomes and having a psychological wake-up call.
processes affect our comfortable and Even if it is at 2am, then 3am, then 4am…
lives, through logic and relaxed – just “a walk Here, three Grace experts share their
enquiry, we find a very in the park”.’ interesting and different views on the
different personality. Mike Newall runs
importance of sleep.
Understanding these mindfulness courses at Follow Eminé on Instagram and Twitter
Grace Belgravia. See @eminealirushton
processes enables us gracebelgravia.com Follow Grace Belgravia on Instagram and Twitter
@gracebelgravia

114 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5

FOOD FOR SLEEP AND ENERGY
Vicki Edgson, Grace nutritionist, offers her advice
● If dining out in the evening,
eat two fish- and vegetable-
based starters, rather than
a main course. They will be
lighter and easier to digest.  vegetables, which encourage
● If at home, have a meal-in-
a-bowl soup (try chicken and
spelt; vegetable and lentils;
squash, carrot and parsley).
These are filling, nutrient-
rich and easy to digest.
● Don’t drink more than two
glasses of wine – the sugars
will interfere with your sleep.
● Avoid spicy foods, which
PHOTOGRAPHS: PÅL HANSEN, CORBIS
tend to be too stimulating.  ● Fuel your morning with
● Eat chocolate earlier on
– while high in magnesium,
even dark chocolate will
upset the blood sugar balance
and disturb your sleep.
THE BOOST } the balancer
The importance of sleep
Dr Tim Evans, Grace
medical director says:
Evidence suggests that
less than seven hours
sleep per night has links
to cardiovascular disease,
diabetes, depression,
learning and memory
problems, and weight gain.
One of the causes of the
recent rise in sleep issues
may be the increased use
of electronic devices in
bed and before going to
sleep. Ninety-five per cent
of people interact with a
gadget (a computer, TV,
mobile phone, tablet) an
hour before bed, at least
a few nights a week – this
electronic interaction is
the trigger for a significant
level of sleep deprivation.
Gadgets emit blue light,
which actively suppresses
melatonin production
and adversely affects our
● Choose calming foods, such
natural circadian rhythm,
as brown or wild rice with
of which sleep is a part.
vegetables; poached or grilled
Retinal ganglion cells in
fish, and have plenty of root
the eye contain melanopsin,
a photoreceptor that is
sleep naturally. 
sensitive to blue light. Blue
● Have a smoothie! The
light is usually abundant
Grace ‘Silky Greens’ smoothie
during the day, so when
is ideal for balancing blood
sugar and regulating mood
– blend half an avocado
with half a cucumber, a
handful of spinach, four
mint leaves and a squeeze
of lemon.
foods that provide energy
such as eggs, nuts, seeds
and grains (chia and
quinoa), instead of
caffeine and sugar.
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 115
these photoreceptors are
stimulated by blue light,
they trigger biological
responses, telling us to
be awake and alert. In the
natural environment, as
the sun sets, blue light is
gradually replaced by red,
then the absence of light,
telling our bodies it’s time
to sleep. Artificial blue light
from electronic devices at
night therefore stimulates
us to be awake and
suppresses the natural
biological processes that
would induce sleep.
Together with the
experts at Grace, I have
designed a bespoke
three-month programme
to treat the underlying
causes of sleep issues,
using the services offered
at Grace Belgravia to
include treatments such
as cognitive behavioural
therapy (CBT), hypnosis,
meditation, acupuncture,
herbal consultations,
nutritional advice, personal
training and relaxation
body treatments.
For more on the Sleep Programme,
see gracebelgravia.com

Heal thyself
Once a month, we try out a therapy, treatment or specialist retreat in a bid to solve an ongoing
health issue – this month, Psychologies’ editor Suzy Greaves looks to balance her energy levels
THE RETREAT
THE DILEMMA Dr Claire Maguire has a PhD in medical
“As a biochemistry and runs an award-winning life
coaching practice from a beautiful old house
single near Thirsk, North Yorkshire. She combines
parent, life-coaching techniques ‘with the power of
with a big job, I alkalising and energising food to bring clarity,
focus and momentum’. Enhanced by daily
find myself relying Kundalini yoga, Claire’s methods claim to
on caffeine and help you kickstart a healthier lifestyle.
sugar to get me THE EXPERIENCE
through the day. Entering Split Farthing Hall feels like you’ve
I feel constantly walked into a Brontë novel. I was on the two-
day raw food and yoga retreat. I hate cooking
knackered – on a and often turn to fast food, so I was thrilled
roller coaster ride to learn some simple ways to create healthy
to the next sugar raw meals. The recipe demonstrations were
so simple even I could manage them. I’d never
and caffeine hit.” tried Kundalini yoga before and found it very
PHOTOGRAPHS: SAM MILLER GOTT, LIBI PEDDER, ISTOCK
Suzy different: we concentrated on breathing and
meditation aspects rather than Downward Dog.
Despite the difference, I felt incredibly
energised after. Two coaching sessions with
Claire also got me asking big questions about
how I fill my energy tank – I realised I often
leave it empty. I get too focused on other
people’s needs and don’t take care of myself.
NEXT MONTH: BEAUTY & WELLBEING DIRECTOR EMINÉ ALI RUSHTON ATTEMPTS TO QUELL HER ECZEMA
THE BOOST } health fi x
THE OUTCOME
After eating a ‘clean’ diet for two days, I left
the retreat, started to eat normally and had a
huge realisation – as soon as I ate wheat, my
stomach bloated and I wanted to fall asleep.
Subsequent tests showed I had a wheat
intolerance. This has been life-changing –
I now know this was at the root of my energy
problems. I ate wheat morning, noon and
night – after every meal I’d want to sleep,
then would drink coffee to counteract the
effect. I’ve always rolled my eyes at people
who say they have a wheat intolerance but,
for me, cutting out wheat has doubled my
energy levels. I’ve had to eat very differently.
I now plan my meals, and Claire’s cookery
lessons continue to inspire me. I haven’t
given up coffee completely, but have cut
down. The Kundalini practice reminded me
how great meditation feels, so I’m trying that
every morning again– filling up my own tank
on a daily basis. Eight months on, I feel
calmer, with a more sustained energy that
lasts the day rather than ending up an
exhausted dribbling heap at 7pm!
Dr Claire Maguire will be running retreats in
southeast England from April. Find more details
at splitfarthinghall.co.uk
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 117
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 The Retreat
Home i Living i Recipes i Nutrition i Travel i Escape

The true secret

of happiness
lies in taking a
genuine interest
in all the details
of daily life”
William Morris
‘Dead End’ wallpaper by Kate Owens, inspired by registration
marks on a 19th-century William Morris wallpaper, £85 per
roll, commonroom. For stockists, see page 140

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 119
THE RETREAT } feasting

Lahmacun
(thin-crust pide
with spicy lamb)

120 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A
SEPP
RTI LE M
2 0B1E5R 2 0 1 4
 TURKISH
DELIGHTS
Celebrate food that brings the tastebuds to
life with honest ingredients, vivid garnishes
and fresh flurries of colour and spice
RECIPES SOMER SIVRIOĞLU PHOTOGRAPHS BREE HUTCHINS

Gavurdağ
(tomato, walnut
and sumac salad)
 the retreat } feasting
T
>>> urkey is nothing if not a
melting pot. A vast country,
geographically split between
Europe and Asia, the former
Ottoman Empire has its
deep roots in myriad cultures – from
Kurdish and Persian to Venetian and
Mongolian. This multi-cultural energy
makes for an exciting menu – with
surprises along the way (sheep’s brain
soup, anyone?). ‘Turkish food is going to
be the next international food invader,’
says David Dale, the food writer who
partnered with Istanbul-born chef,
Somer Sivrioğlu, on new cookbook
Anatolia, a vibrant and charming
exploration of an inspiring culinary
landscape. Salivating over spiced-meat
flatbreads (lahmacun), pistachio and
syrup-oozing baklava, and vivid green
broad beans atop braised artichokes, one
gets the urge to pick up some pitta bread,
reach over the table and dip in. Go with
that urge – invite friends, tip out the
raki (an anise-flavoured alcoholic drink)
and toast your inner Turk. Şerefe!
Anatolia by Somer Sivrioglu and
*offer subject to availability
David Dale (Murdoch Books, £30),
is out now. Psychologies readers
can buy the book for the special
price of £24*, with free UK p&p, by
calling 01256 302699 and quoting
reference ‘CK4’.
122 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
AYVA TATLISI
Poached quinces with sour cherries
and clotted cream
You could have eaten this dish 2,000 years ago
in Anatolia – the world’s first cherry-and quince-
growing happened there. Writings from 72BC
discuss how Roman military leader Lucullus
brought a cultivated cherry to Rome from Pontus
in north-eastern Anatolia. The Romans combined
it with their quinces stewed in honey.
Ottoman chefs made a habit of stewing fruits
with sugar syrup and combining them with
kaymak (a Turkish dairy product similar to clotted
cream). The secret here is to cook very slowly and
include the skins and cores of the quinces while
simmering, to enhance the pink colouring the
Ottomans loved.
Serves 4
l 100g frozen sour cherries l 5 cloves
l 4 quinces l 660g sugar
l Juice of 1 lemon l 16 walnut kernels
l 1 cinnamon stick l 125g double cream
STEP ONE Take the cherries out of the freezer about
1 hour before you want to serve the dish. Peel the skins
off the quinces and reserve the skin. Halve the peeled
quinces lengthways, and remove the hard cores. Reserve
the cores.
STEP TWO Put the lemon juice and 1 litre of water in
a bowl. This will stop the quinces from going brown.
STEP THREE Lay the quince skins, shiny side down, in
the bottom of a wide saucepan. Place the cinnamon stick,
cloves and cores on top. Put the quinces, cut side up, on
top of the spices. Put 3 tablespoons of the sugar on each
quince half. Pour 500ml of water into the pan around
the quinces, being careful not to cover the quinces or
wash the sugar off. Put the lid on the pan and simmer
for 1 hour until the quinces are pink and soft.
STEP FOUR Mix 110g of the sugar with 25 sour cherries.
Take the lid off the pot and place three cherries in each
half quince. Cover again and simmer for 30 minutes.
Remove from the heat and leave to cool for a half hour
– with the lid off if the quinces are soft, lid on if they are
still slightly firm.
STEP FIVE Place the quinces on a serving platter. Put two
walnuts on top of each quince. Add a dollop of kaymak or
double cream on top of each quince. Drizzle 1 tablespoon
of the cooking liquid over the quinces and serve. >>>
Ayva tatlisi
(poached
quinces)
 the retreat } feasting

>>>
LAHMACUN GAVURDAg
Thin-crust pide (a thick form of flatbread) ‘Spoon salad’
with spicy lamb topping (Chopped tomato,
For lahmacun, you need a light touch. In walnut and
Şanlıurfa, in south-eastern Turkey, they sumac salad)
turn out hundreds of lahmacuns every lunchtime from big This salad is served with kebaps
stone ovens. The best way to get the same effect at home is all over Turkey, and is designed
to use a pizza stone or an unglazed terracotta tile, and to to be eaten with a spoon. It’s just
ensure your oven is preheated to the max. a finely chopped salad, with the
tomato pieces no bigger than the
Serves 4 pomegranate seeds, but you’ll see
Base it on menus in Istanbul described
l 200g plain (all-purpose) l 75g capsicum (pepper) paste
as the famous Gavurdağ salad
flour, plus extra for dusting l 5 garlic cloves
(apparently named after a mountain
l 70g wholemeal flour l ½ bunch flat-leaf parsley
in south-east Anatolia).
(if using a baking tray) l 2 tsp chilli flakes
l 1 tsp salt l 1 tsp freshly ground black pepper Serves 4
Topping l 1 tsp salt l 6 ripe tomatoes l 1 tbsp sumac
l 2 tomatoes l 200g minced (ground) lamb l 1 red onion l 2 tbsp
l 1 red capsicum (pepper) (about 25 per cent fat) l 1 bunch mint pomegranate
l ½ bunch flat-leaf molasses
STEP ONE Preheat the oven to its maximum temperature (as close to
parsley l 60ml olive oil
300°C/570°F as possible). If you have a pizza stone or tile, place it in the l 115g walnuts l 1 tsp apple vinegar
oven. Or preheat your baking tray. l 3 green bullhorn l 1 tsp sea salt
STEP TWO Sift the flour into a mixing bowl and add the salt. Make a well
peppers (or 1 l 1 50g
in the middle and pour in 125ml of lukewarm water. Knead the dough green pepper) pomegranate
for 5 minutes. Sprinkle some flour on a worksurface, then divide the l 1 green chilli seeds
dough into four balls. Cover the bowl with a damp cloth; leave to rest.
STEP THREE Score a shallow cross in the base of the tomatoes, then
transfer to a heatproof bowl and cover with boiling water. Leave for STEP ONE Quarter the tomatoes, remove
30 seconds, then plunge in cold water and peel the skin away from the the white centres, then finely chop. Finely
cross. Cut the tomato in half and scoop out stalks and seeds with a chop the red onion.
teaspoon. Roughly chop. STEP TWO Discard the mint and parsley
STEP FOUR Remove the seeds from the capsicum and roughly chop. stalks and finely chop the leaves. Finely
Coarsely blend the tomatoes and capsicum with the capsicum paste, chop the walnuts. Cut the bullhorn
garlic, parsley, chilli flakes, pepper and salt. Combine the mixture with peppers and the chilli in half, and remove
the lamb mince and stir thoroughly. the seeds and stalks. Finely chop. Mix
STEP FIVE Place a ball of dough on the floured worksurface and flatten all the chopped ingredients together
into a round about 25cm wide and less than 5mm thick. Repeat with the in a salad bowl.
remaining dough balls. STEP THREE Mix the sumac, molasses,
STEP SIX Using a tablespoon, thinly spread the lamb mixture onto the olive oil, vinegar and salt together, pour
rounds. Press in with your hands. onto the salad and toss. Sprinkle the
STEP SEVEN If you are using a baking tray, take it out of the oven and pomegranate seeds on top and serve.
line with baking paper. Dust the baking paper with a little wholemeal
flour. Place the rounds of dough on it and bake for about 5 minutes, or
until the edges are crisp.
STEP EIGHT Meanwhile, make a salad: finely slice ½ red onion and place
in a bowl. Sprinkle with 1 tsp salt and 1 tbsp sumac, add juice of ½ lemon
and 1 tbsp olive oil, then mix together with your hands. Sprinkle the
salad over the lahmacuns, squeeze on some lemon juice, and serve.

124 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
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 THE RETREAT } nutrition notes
BRAZIL NUT MILK
● To make 2 litres of Brazil nut milk, you will need a nut
milk bag (available online) and a jug. ● Put 1 cup of Brazil
nuts, 1 Medjool date and 5 cups of water into a blender
and blend on high for 1 minute. ● Strain through a nut milk
bag into a jug. ● Pour the milk back into the blender, then
add 1 vanilla pod (or ¼ teaspoon vanilla powder) and a
pinch of sea salt, and blend again. ● Put into a sealable
container and store in the fridge for up to three days.

HOW TO GO ‘FREE-FROM’
● For allergies, see your GP
for a blood test. For a sensitivity
or an intolerance, visit a nutritional
therapist – see bant.org.uk.
● If you cut out certain foods,

How to... do one group at a time and eliminate

find healthy
for at least six weeks before slowly
re-introducing and keeping a food
diary. Allergyuk.org has some great

‘free-from’ foods
information on how to do this.
● When choosing any bread,
look at the ingredients – it takes just
four ingredients to make a basic loaf,
so when there are eight or more, you
Nutritional therapist Eve Kalinik talks about changing your diet need to question the quality.

F
oods that are ‘free from’ have
become a nutrition minefield. I see
many clients who have eliminated
lots of healthy foods in favour of what they
think might be better for them, on the
basis of a biased article or seductive
marketing. It’s easy to mistake a gluten-
free loaf or dairy-free chocolate bar for a
healthier option. But consider what’s being
PHOTOGRAPHS: EVE KALINIK. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140
● Switching to gluten-free
intolerance or sensitivity. That’s not to say
you shouldn’t address a potential intolerance, brands? I recommend Artisan
Bread Organic and Biona Organic.
particularly if it’s causing bloating, nausea
Raw crackers, such as those from
and skin allergies, but do ensure you work
Inspiral or Rawmazing, are also
with someone who knows their stuff before
nice alternatives. Don’t be fooled by
you cut out any foods completely.
‘healthy-looking’ cakes, cookies and
Often, those who think they can’t eat
biscuits – they are usually high in
gluten are fine with other grains, such as
refined flours, margarine and sugar.
spelt, millet, oats and rye – and just need
● To go dairy-free, make your

put in to replace what’s being taken out
– often extra sugar and syrups, processed
flour, emulsifiers and refined vegetable
fats. Essentially, you need to ask yourself
why you’re cutting out food from your diet
in the first place. If you are coeliac (and
cannot eat gluten) or are lactose-allergic,
your GP can diagnose this (see right). This
is different to what is defined as a food
to avoid wheat. Most often, an intolerance
own nut milks – anything from
or sensitivity is not a life-long aversion,
cashew and almond to Brazil nut and
but simply brought on by overdoing a single
hemp. For shop-bought versions, try
food-group. Eating too much of anything
Ecomil, Rude Health and So Delicious.
can cause reactions and once you slowly
For dairy-free yogurt, try Coyo coconut
re-introduce it after a period of time, you yogurt, and for a cheesy taste on
may be able to tolerate it without any savoury dishes, try Marigold Engevita
discomfort. Everything in moderation is key. Nutritional Yeast Flakes.
For more information, see evekalinik.com

EVE LOVES ORGANIC TRADITIONS BLACK MULBERRIES, £8.99/227G – TO ADD A TASTY, ANTIOXIDANT PUNCH TO PORRIDGE

A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 127
The shutters in this
room are made from
pottery boards – planks
of wood where pots were
set out to dry. The old
Edwardian sofa has had
a woollen, fringed throw
added for comfort

128 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 5
 the retreat } living

OLD THINGS,
NEW TRICKS
Seeing your surroundings in a fresh light is a useful
mental trick you can put to good use in your home
edited by LAUREN HADDEn PHOTOGRAPHs SIMON BROWN

Cherished gifts – a
Murano glass vase
– and market finds
(the yellow jug)
come together in a
harmonious whole
THE RETREAT } living

N
obel Prize-winning
philosopher Bertrand
Russell said: ‘It’s a
healthy thing, now and
then, to hang a question mark on
the things you have long taken for
granted.’ It’s a useful discipline to
apply – not just to beliefs about life,
love and the universe, but also to the
objects around you.
In Upcycled Chic And Modern
Hacks (CICO Books, £19.99),
authors Liz Bauwens and Alexandra
Campbell suggest looking again at
abandoned pieces or chain-shop
furniture, and consider how they
could be transformed from their
original purpose into something
else, or just made more beautiful
or useful by simple ‘hacks’, like
changing handles or doors. Where to
start? ‘If you love rummaging, that’s
the perfect starting point,’ they say.
‘Search, and keep searching.’ >>>

Bentwood chairs
were invented by
designer Michael
Thonet in the
19th century for
French cafés, and
over 1 million were
produced each
year. There are
still lots for sale

130 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 the retreat } living

Keep the colour

palette strong
and simple – this
will enable you
to mix pieces
from different
styles and eras
successfully
THE BOOST } living

A seemingly bohemian
mix of objects is linked Battered, well-loved
by simple, elegant furniture and a vintage
designs and, again, patchwork quilt
subtle variations of red come together with
and green (as well as a traditional brass
the primary colours of bed to create a calm,
yellow and blue), welcoming bedroom
offering
a subtle, almost
Christmassy warmth
 Siri
THE RETREAT } living
pendant
light in
chrome,
£130, BHS

Kodari patchwork rug, from £1,067, Kelaty

Novak wide
walnut chest,
£1,495, Heal’s

Easy
Lolanthe
hurricane
dome jar,

add-ons
£104, Artisanti

Lucy Burley
ceramic
vases, from
£28 each, If you’re thinking about making changes,
Quiirk there’s no need to feel daunted – you
don’t have to start by re-upholstering an
armchair. Try finding pretty new handles
for your wardrobes, or painting some old
kitchen cabinets. Also, unless you have
a lot of time and energy on your hands,
you won’t be able to create an entirely
upcycled and hacked space, so begin
with one old piece and build
V&A William Morris around it with new pieces that Lucy Burley ceramic jug,
Poppy china mug,
from £20 for two, work well alongside it. £40, Quiirk
The English Table How you use colour here is
important, as you’ll often be
Arko table
Kit Kemp bringing together different styles lamp,
Folkthread from different eras. So keep your colour £92.95,
armchair, Joss & Main
£898, palette limited for an effective result.
Anthropologie

Psychologies readers
Patchwork can buy Upcycled
cushion, £80, Chic And Modern
*OFFER SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY.

Kelly Swallow Hacks (CICO Books,

FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140

£19.99), for the

special price of
£13.99, including free
UK p&p. To order,
call 01256 302699,
quoting code
‘GLR C09’.
Merino and
cashmere throw,
£130, Heal’s A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 133
the retreat } travel
Magic
kingdoms
Single mother Jenny Hulme goes to Disney World alone
with her children, and finds her trip surprisingly less
frazzling and more fulfilling than you might think
W
e’re sitting under a starlit, Florida sky,
the temperature in the 20s, watching
Disney’s Toy Story 3. It is a magical
movie, but also rather fitting. I’m here
with my children, 11-year old Eleni, and Scott, who has
just turned 16, who like Andy – the son of a single mum
in the movie trilogy – is leaving behind childish things.
A lot of people questioned our choice. Just you and
the kids? Walt Disney World? Does Scott want to go
now he’s 16? But Florida has a lot more to offer than just
the fantasies Walt created – there’s a reason more than
700,000 British holidaymakers head to Orlando each
year. So, we’re staying at Disney World and tonight,
watching an open-air movie with a glass of wine, I see
my children happily transported from their busy lives
to a place where they can bask in the warmth of each
other’s company and laugh at an old favourite. After-
wards we all go for a swim in a gorgeous, now deserted,
outdoor pool and float on our backs to see if we can spot
the Space Station among the stars (more on that later).
Relationship building
In my experience, people don’t believe you can have fun
when it’s just you and the kids – there’s an expectation
you’ll team up with family or friends to go away. I
remember our first holiday in North Wales soon after
I split with my partner (Scott was six and Eleni two).
We bumped into some friends from home as we headed
from rock pooling to a hotel restaurant for our dinner
134 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
reservation. ‘What? Have you booked a table for three?’
laughed the couple, as if single parents were somehow
excluded from eating out, never mind enjoying it.
But I’ve learnt how different and delicious those din-
ners out together can be. Researchers in family issues
suggest exclusive one-on-one (or two) time has benefits
that reach way beyond the day out or fortnight in the
sun. Time out for just the three of us is now an annual
priority and, somehow, the changed dynamic around a
table or campfire or picnic rug has, over the years, cre-
ated chances for the richest conversations. The post-
dinner moments (when kids usually drift off, bored by
adult chat), have been used to read books together or to
make plans for days ahead. With no pals calling, home-
work simmering or Xboxes waiting, they’ve spilled into
chats that have helped me better understand what my
children are about. Their developing friendships, their
take on our divorce, their dreams for the future… those
times slow down a life that usually seems to pass at warp
speed and not only give us fabulous memories, but help
steer our course when we return home.
The right destination also helps, and Florida might
just pip other happy holidays we’ve enjoyed to the post.
Seeing the UK in a campervan or the Greek islands on
a budget was wonderful, but if you’re in the mood for
something stress-free, Disney World will do it. It offers
nearly 50 square miles of resort filled to the brim with
things to see and do, including two huge waterparks
and the four theme parks – the Magic Kingdom, Epcot, >>>
Relax with a picnic
in the shadow or
Cinderlla’s Castle
 the retreat } travel
>>> Animal Kingdom and Hollywood
Studios. A bus leaves every few minutes
to all of these from your hotel lobby, so
getting around couldn’t be easier. This
fun-by-the-bucketful may look cheesy
to the uninitiated or to holidaymakers
who like a challenge, but, once you walk
through the gates of the Magic Kingdom
and see everyone else soaking it up, it
makes even the most cynical teenager
smile and want to join the dancing in the
street. Plus, when you’re on your own
with children, it gives you the ultimate
permission to be a big kid, with nothing
to worry about but having fun.
Fun filled
Our first instinct was to try to see
everything in the first morning, which I
soon realised meant we were likely to see
nothing at all. Chasing two kids moving
in opposite directions wanting to join
long queues for short rides could have
easily sucked the joy out of our days. We
quickly decided on a policy of choosing
three ‘must-try’ rides in advance (like
Travelling with children
Tamara Heber-Percy, co-founder of boutique hotel site Mr & Mrs Smith
and family-friendly off-shoot smithandfamily.co.uk, shares her tips
l Teach through travel.
Take time to get children
excited about the
destination beforehand.
We have a map at home
where we plot trips: we
talk about how long the
flight is and read stories
about where we’re going.
My eight-year-old son is
into history and loves to
hear if a country fought
in World War II, or was
invaded by the Romans.
l It’s your holiday, too.
Remember it’s a break for
you, too. You don’t have
to compromise on style
over baby-listening
services – lots of hotels
do a great job of providing
136 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
When you’re on
your own with kids it
gives you permission
to be a big kid too, with
nothing to worry
about but having fun”
Soarin’ at Epcot, or Space Mountain at
Magic Kingdom), and booked fast
passes. Then for the rest of the day we
took it easy. We lazed in the shadow of
the Cinderella Castle with a picnic to
avoid the midday sun. We gravitated
towards attractions without queues,
only to find they became our favourites,
like a superb cartoon workshop we
found behind a charming museum about
Walt Disney at Holly­wood Studios. We
spent an hour or more here, while every-
one else melted in the heat queuing for
the nearby Tower of Terror ride. We
enjoyed coffee and ice creams on lazy
evenings, saw parades, musical shows
both. But book ahead Treehotel in northern
– it pays to be organised, Sweden, which has six
especially if you’re incredible dens perched
travelling in peak season. up in the trees, including
l Charm the neighbours. a mirrored cube and a
If you’re flying, make UFO. We went ice-fishing,
friends with the people ate reindeer over a camp
next to you as soon as fire and zip-lined through
you get to your seats. the tree canopy – it was
Even if your children are probably as much fun for
angels, travelling can be us as it was for the kids!
turbulent, literally and l Pack the essentials. If
metaphorically. A friendly you’re loyal to a specific
face or extra pair of hands brand of nappies or baby
can come in very handy. food, pack plenty. A
l Try something new. Try portable blackout blind
to combine a great place is useful, too: try the
with new experiences, for Gro Anywhere blinds
you as well as your little from The Gro Company
ones. At the end of last – foldaway blinds that
year, we stayed in the attach to any window.
and 20 minute-long firework extrava-
ganzas, and ran into favourite charac-
ters moving from one place to another,
no queues necessary for any of them.
One evening, at a spectacular party in
the Magic Kingdom, we ducked the
crowds and slipped into a half-empty
bar in cowboy-themed Adventure Land,
to find Jessie and Woody from Toy Story
leading line dances, and holidaymakers
aged from eight to 80 having a ball.
When Woody and Jessie dragged the
kids onto the floor, they couldn’t refuse.
While it felt good to let our hair down,
Florida also demands you keep the fan-
tasy world thing in perspective. It was
ironic that – having given queues for the
Buzz Lightyear ride a miss for fear of
losing a day of our lives – we arrived at
Kennedy Space Center (an hour away),
to find no queue at all for an audience
with Jerry Ross, a real-life NASA astro-
naut who has achieved a record number
of space flights in his career. It took
‘magic’ to a whole other level. We came
away with a sense of wonder about the
stars and people like Ross dedicated to
pushing the boundaries of what we
know. Which is how I came to be sitting
under the stars with my own and 60
other children watching Toy Story 3,
and floating in a pool at midnight
searching for the Space Station.
I thought about this the next day as
we drifted along a river in nearby water-
park Discovery Cove. Being the only
adult on the trip had added rather won-
derful value to this American adventure.
this page: corbis, discovery cove. For stockists, see page 140
There was a moment that day, as my kids
spontaneously hugged each other and
me as we swam in an endless river under
PHOTOGRAPHs (previous page): robert harding.
blue skies and a rainforest canopy, when
my world seemed to slow down to per-
fect and I was reminded again what
holidays like these are for. And why,
on the plane back, we talked about
where the three of us might try next…
Walt Disney World packages for families start
at £3,500, disneyholidays.co.uk. For more tips
on how to save money, and enjoy all Walt Disney
World has to offer, see psychologies.co.uk/
make-most-disney-world
Clockwise, from top
right: visit Animal
Kingdom, see a parade,
relax in Discovery Cove
meet your favourite Disney
character like Eleni did,
and enjoy spectacular
firework displays

>>>
 actionforcharity

Cycle Vietnam
to Cambodia
women V cancer 24 Nov–5 Dec 2016

Join the next Women V Cancer cycle challenge from Ho Chi Minh City to
Angkor Wat and raise funds to fight breast, cervical and ovarian cancers
Ekabhishek

For information and to register online:

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events@actionforcharity.co.uk • 01590 677854
Raising
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is established under the Charities Aid Foundation Charity No. 268369. To take part you need to pay a registration fee of £299 and raise minimum sponsorship funds of £3,200. lifechangingevents

Just for the weekend…
rediscover nature
Vanessa Grzywacz took a second stab at camping for the good
of her children and found it did her the world of good, too
WE’RE NOT REALLY campers. The last
time my husband and I went – eight years
ago, before the children – we ended up
checking into a B&B after three days.
But after a stressful year that included
the birth of our second daughter and a
house move, the offer of a week in the
Pays Basques region of France seemed
too good to miss. Not to mention that,
according to Yale University*, ‘playing in
nature helps children develop capacities
CONNECTION’ (ISLAND PRESS, 2005), DR STEPHEN R. KELLERT, YALE UNIVERSITY.
*’BUILDING FOR LIFE: DESIGNING AND UNDERSTANDING THE HUMAN-NATURE
for creativity, problem-solving, and emo-
tional and intellectual development,’ so
ADDITIONAL TEXT: AMERLEY OLLENNU. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140
in a bid to be a good parent, I’m doing my
best to get them out and about.
A missed flight, a rebooked flight, two
taxis, a train and hire car later, we arrived
at Col d’Ibardin campsite more stressed
than when we’d set out. But when we saw
our ‘tent’, our spirits lifted. This wasn’t
camping, this was Glisten glamping.
Completely set up for a family holiday,
our ‘dome’ had a king-sized bed and
IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO GO SKIING. FOR LAST-MINUTE DEALS, TRY POWDERWHITE.COM
THE RETREAT } travel
The ‘dome’ tent is
perfect for a family,
and you can chill
out by the pool
Hanging
out on the
campsite
wardrobe plus a separate kitchen tent
with fridge, microwave, plancha (‘plate’)
grill, and a high chair. Between blue skies Ladybird
and the reassurance that everything was Dynamo
Torch, £9.99
well organised, I slept soundly that night
and every one thereafter. Rejuvenated
after a couple of days, we ventured to the
NURTURE
nearby town of Saint-Jean-de-Luz for IN NATURE
our first dip in the sea. Biarritz and San Picnics are one easy and fun
Sebastian are also a 30-minute drive way the whole family can
away, but we were happiest chilling by
enjoy being outside together
our dome. Even walks to the shower
block were an adventure. For our three-
year-old, all talk of toys was replaced by
tales of trips to fetch water, to the pool
and her hanging bed – her imagination
was on overdrive, which made the trip all
the more worthwhile. And as I relaxed in Cath Kidston
check picnic
a hammock, feeling stress-free, with the blanket, £30
soft breeze and warm sun on my skin, I
knew I’d become a glamping convert.
Prices for 7 days glamping in Pays Basque start from
£399, glistencamping.com. For flights, see easyjet.
com. Car hire from rhinocarhire.com
A P R I L 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 139
 Stockists
Find out where to buy the products
featured in this month’s issue

A Estée Lauder
esteelauder.com
Adidas adidas.co.uk Etsy etsy.com
Annee de Mamiel demamiel.com
Anthropologie
anthropologie.eu G
Artisan Bread Organic Graham and Green
artisanbread-abo.com grahamandgreen.co.uk
Artisanti artisanti.com The Gro Company
Atterley Road atterleyroad.com gro.co.uk
Aveda aveda.co.uk Grown Alchemist
AX Paris axparis.com grownalchemist.com Matches Fashion
matchesfashion.com

B H
Bali Nutra balinutra.com
BEING livebybeing.co
Benefit benefitcosmetics.co.uk
BHS bhs.co.uk
Biona Organic biona.co.uk
Black+Blum selfridges.com
Bobbi Brown bobbibrown.co.uk
Melvita uk.melvita.com
Mitchell and Peach
Heal’s heals.co.uk mitchellandpeach.com
MV Organic Skincare
I mvskincare.com
S
Indeed Labs boots.com
Inspiral inspiral.co N Sarah Chapman
New Look newlook.com sarahchapman.net

J Sock Shop

C Jennifer Loiselle boticca.com/ O sockshop.co.uk

Cath Kidston cathkidston.com jenniferloiselle
Clarins clarins.co.uk Jigsaw jigsaw-online.com
Common Room commonroom.co Jo Malone jomalone.co.uk
Coyo tesco.com Josh Rosebrook
Cuckooland cuckooland.com abeautifulworld.co.uk
Joss & Main jossandmain.com
D P
Oasis oasis-stores.com
Olay boots.com
Organic Traditions
planetorganic.com
Oskia oskiaskincare.com
So Delicious
planetorganic.co.uk
Sportmax selfridges.com
Stratum C stratumc.com
T
Trigger Point

2NDDAY day.dk K Pestle & Mortar

triggerpoint.com

Darphin darphin.co.uk
Decléor decleor.co.uk
Kelly Swallow kellyswallow.com
Kelaty kelaty.com
pestleandmortarcosmetics.com
Punch Foods punchfoods.com W
Dr Hauschka Kiehl’s kiehls.co.uk Weleda weleda.co.uk
dr.hauschka.com/en_GB
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SALLY BRAMPTON

Here’s to doing
it your way
RECENTLY, MY MOTHER died, by starving herself
to death. She wanted to go and couldn’t find another
way. Other than trying to keep her comfortable, we
did nothing to stop her. She wanted peace, we wanted
it for her and, if you knew my mum, you wouldn’t
even try. ‘Like you,’ my dad said. ‘Obstinate.’
‘Thanks, Pops.’
‘I mean it in a good way.’
‘I know.’
I gave the eulogy at her funeral, which was at 9.30am;
blackly humorous as Mum refused to do anything
that early, let alone go to her own funeral. We toasted
her with Champagne, her favourite drink (like mother,
like daughter) and Dad drank us all under the table.
When Mum was dying, the doctors flapped around
her being annoying, so she punched one in the face
– but as difficult as she could be, there was something
splendid in her stubbornness, and she was very, very
funny. We sent her off to My Way, which caused
some hilarity among her kids, but it was perfect.
Besides, it’s Dad’s favourite song – the one he bellows
out in the shower. He likes bathroom opera, my dad,
and no amount of teasing can shut him up.
They were in a care home; Dad still is, aged 90.
When they first moved in two years ago, he caused a
commotion. He wanted broadband and Sky Sports;
a request so alien you’d think he’d landed from Mars.
down to dinner every evening, (‘5.30pm? Barbaric!’),
and now Mum has gone, he is very popular with
the ladies who approach his table with scuttling,
crab-like motions, except for a lady called Beryl,
who launches a full-frontal attack in her electric
wheelchair. She always times it to claim the last few
inches of wine. She and Dad like to have a barney
about religion, too. Beryl is devout and so is Dad,
adamant in his atheism. Nobody ever wins, but
nobody really wants to.
Dad has also got the staff organising a weekly
calendar of events. Nobody turns up, except Dad
– somewhat to his mystification – but you don’t
get many like my dad. He once made them serve
pre-lunch drinks so people could socialise and get
to know each other. It all went swimmingly, until
somebody nearly fell off their Zimmer, but Dad said
the room was too small anyway.
I call him every day, although it’s a bit tricky what
with him being deaf and the line being crackly, and
Frank Sinatra at full volume. ‘Darling, I can’t hear
you,’ he says. So I start yelling. The neighbours
probably think I’m an abusive wife, shrieking
regular as clockwork.
The day after the funeral, Dad rang to thank me
for the eulogy. Good thing we’ve got a writer in the
family, he said. It could have been really boring.
PHOTOGRAPH: JENNY LEWIS

He shipped in an espresso machine for Mum’s probably ordering them around

his room, and places a regular order with Sally Brampton is a
journalist, agony aunt, in heaven even though, according to Dad,
Tesco for a case of wine. Mum said that if and author of ‘Shoot it doesn’t exist. But who cares? My mum
The Damn Dog: A
they had to be in a care home they could, Memoir Of Depression’ and dad – they’ve done it their way and,
at least, be civilised. Dad takes a bottle (Bloomsbury, £7.99) for that, I love them very much.

146 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
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