Your life, your way

PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK

J U LY 2 0 1 5 £3.90 UK EDITION

Christy
Turlington Burns
INSPIRATION
JK Rowling
On reinvention on failure
and realising
what’s important Tanya Byron
on success
SECRET
CRUSH? STREET
What it means for WISDOM
your relationship The new
trend in
mindful living
Start

Better
18-PAGE SPECIAL your own
Happiness
Club

friendships
● How to make real life connections
● Why the latest friendships are short distance
TEST: Small circle or big network – what’s your style?
 CONTENTS
J ULY 201 5

* COVER STORY
REGULARS
7 EDITOR’S LET TER
8 LET TERS
9 I’D LIKE TO THANK …
1 1 THE FIX
30 HOW TO LOOK LIKE YOURSELF
Cover: Daniel Jackson for 9 0 E VENTS
Imedeen
1 32 BOOKS
1 4 0 STOCKISTS
1 4 6 SALLY BR AMP TON

22 * THE BIG
INTERVIEW
Christy
Turlingon Burns
“I just wanted to help; to
make a difference, to do 72 * THE DOSSIER
something meaningful”
Connect with
FEATURES your friends
29 MIND EXPERIMENT 74 FACE-TO-FACE FRIENDSHIP
Martha Roberts encourages us to Anita Chaudhuri champions the ‘village
SAVE
effect’ where real-life friendships are

57%
UP TO take the time to chat to strangers
more beneficial than online connections
32 * THE RUSH OF THE CRUSH
79 HOW TO ASK OUT A NEW FRIEND
When you’re in a relationship,
what does it mean when you have Ways to take an acquaintance to the
a crush, asks Rosie Ifould next level of friendship
80 THE FOURTH DIMENSION: WILL WE
36 * SHARED VALUES
EVER BE THE SAME?
Clinical psychologist and writer
Tanya Byron talks to us Author Laurence Scott asks if social
media unites us or pushes us apart
38 GRE AT E XPECTATIONS
Eleanor Tucker wonders why our 82 CONNECTING THE DOTS
PHOTOGRAPH: TRUNK ARCHIVE

assumptions about others don’t
always measure up to reality
42 STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN
See page 46 Andreas Loizou talks about being
for this month’s a good son – and a good listener
subscriptions offer – in time for Father’s Day
Three women talk about their social
needs and how they maintain them
86 TEST: DO YOU KNOW HOW TO
MAKE FRIENDS? Find out how you
forge social connections – and what
might be holding you back

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 3
CONTENTS
J ULY 201 5

64 * HAPPINESS CLUB
Psychologies editor Suzy Greaves
talks about lifelong learning

FEATURES
48 * START A LOVE AFFAIR WITH LIFE
Suzy Greaves and Anita Chaudhuri discover how
‘street’ mindfulness can enrich their worlds
53 ILONA BONIWELL
Our family expert talks about practical ways
to encourage our children to be happy 93 THE BOOST
55 LOVE E XPERIMENT 94 NATUR AL BE AUT Y
Are you a decider or a slider, asks Sarah Abell Eminé Ali Rushton reports on Burt’s Bees
56 MY HOME 99 BE AUT Y EDIT
Author-illustrators Catherine and Laurence Amerley Ollennu on making a fresh start
Anholt are a team at home as well as at work 100 SUNSHINE STATE
60 * LE AP FORWARD! Perdita Nouril examines the latest sun-protection
Feeling stuck in a rut? All it takes to move products and sorts out fact from fiction
forward is some gentle encouragement… 10 4 MIND OVER MAT TER
67 * WORK E XPERIMENT Psychosomatic illness can create very real
Feeling stressed? Just focus on the things you physical symptoms, but is it all in the mind?
can control, says Oliver Burkeman 111 HYPE- FREE HE ALTH
69 ESTHER PEREL Perdita Nouril examines deskercise
‘I want to try out new things in bed’: one 113 POSITIVE FITNESS
woman’s desire for more adventure Why finding a realistic way to stay motivated is
70 * MARY FENWICK the key to lifelong fitness, says Amerley Ollennu
Our wise agony aunt on losing your direction in 115 THE HE ALTH FIX
life, doubts about marriage and difficult Ali Roff looks for solutions to treat her PMS
relations with your ex-partner’s family

117 THE RETREAT

If you can’t always find a copy of this magazine 118 LIVING COLOUR
help is at hand. Complete this form and give it
to your local shop. They’ll arrange for a copy of each issue to be reserved Inspirational recipes from new book Caribbean
PHOTOGRAPH: GUILLAUME REYNAUD/FOLIO ID

for you. They may even be able to deliver to your home – just ask! Modern reinvents the Rum Islands
PLEASE RESERVE/DELIVER PSYCHOLOGIES ON 125 NUTRITION NOTES
A REGULAR BASIS STARTING WITH ISSUE _________
Eve Kalinik on how to eat grains and cereals
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ADDRESS.............................................................................
Create a harmonious home by teaming
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opposites together for a unique result
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...........................................POSTCODE ............................... 134 TR AVEL

PHONE NUMBER .................................................................. Paul Rushton visits Patagonia, plus have
a girls’ night out in London

4 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
 CONTRIBUTORS

Kelsey Media, Cudham Tithe Barn, Meet three of the people who have taken part
Berry’s Hill, Cudham, Kent TN16 3AG in the creation of this issue of Psychologies
(01959 541444, email letters@psychologies.co.uk)
OUR TEAM
Olivia Gordon
Editor Suzy Greaves
Deputy Editor Lauren Hadden Freelance journalist
Art Director Vanessa Grzywacz Olivia has always loved to write about the way we live
Art Editor Lynne Lanning
Associate Editor Anita Chaudhuri and is increasingly finding herself covering creative
Associate Editor Elizabeth Heathcote homes – she visited Devon for us this issue to see a
Entertainment Editor At Large Lorien Haynes house lived in by a pair of children’s illustrators (see
Dossier and The Fix Editor Ali Roff
Beauty and Wellbeing Director Eminé Ali Rushton page 56). The idea of ‘home’ means a lot to her: ‘I still
Beauty and Wellbeing Editor Amerley Ollennu think of home as wherever my parents are. Also, I’ve
Picture Editor Laura Doherty always loved having a retreat from the outside world.’
Chief Sub/Production Editor Danielle Woodward
Sub Editor Anne-Claire Heels
Acting sub-editor Rachel Woollett

Sam Collins
ADVERTISING & PRODUCTION
Commercial Manager Emma Doran (01959 543706)
emma.doran@kelsey.co.uk
Advertising Sales Anne Fleming (01959 543716) Coach and social entrepreneur
anne.fleming@kelsey.co.uk She’s a leading global voice on women as leaders, was
Production Supervisor Rachel Dyke (01733 353397)
rachel.dyke@kelseypb.co.uk named one of the world’s top 10 coaches by The Sunday
Production Manager Charlotte Whittaker Times and, this issue, Dr Sam Collins has gifted us seven
MANAGEMENT pieces of sage wisdom on how to make a big leap forward
Managing Director Phil Weeden in our lives. Originally from the UK, Sam now lives in
Chief Executive Steve Wright
Chairman Steve Annetts California with her family. ‘I’m working on integrating
Finance Director Joyce Parker-Sarioglu the thought “whatever will be, will be” into my life at
Creative Directors Vicky Ophield and Emma Dublin the moment,’ she tells us. Find out more on page 60.
Retail Distribution Manager Eleanor Brown
Audience Development Manager Andy Cotton
Subscriptions Marketing Manager Daniel Webb
Brand Marketing Manager Rebecca Gibson
Events Manager Kat Chappell Gemma Day
Events Marketing Manager Sarah Jackson Photographer
SUBSCRIPTIONS
12 issues of Psychologies are published per annum As a London-based portrait and travel photographer,
● UK annual subscription price: £46.80 Gemma’s work usually involves people and places,
● Europe annual subscription price: £62.49
and has been featured in a range of titles, from Stylist
● USA annual subscription price: £62.49

● Rest of World annual subscription price: £68.99

to The Sunday Times. For this issue, Gemma focuses
● UK subscription and back issue orderline: 0845 241 5159 on friendships and says, ‘In this era of virtual
● Overseas subscription orderline: 0044 (0) 1959 543747
connections, it was refreshing to shoot a feature
● Toll free USA subscription orderline: 1-888-777-0275

● UK customer service team: 01959 543747; subs@kelsey.co.uk

about face-to-face friendships. I enjoyed meeting
Psychologies Customer Service Team, Kelsey Publishing Ltd, Cudham the women in this month’s Dossier (page 82) who are
Tithe Barn, Berry’s Hill, Cudham, Kent TN16 3AG, United Kingdom finding new ways to meet up the old-fashioned way.’
Find subscription offers on our website: shop.kelsey.co.uk/psy
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PSYCHOLOGIES FRANCE PSYCHOLOGIES BELGIUM Editor-in-Chief: Xsenia Kiseleva
Psychologies is published under licence from Psychologies magazine France. Editor-in-Chief: Laurence Folléa Edition Ventures, Chaussée de (xkiseleva@hsmedia.ru) Publisher
Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark. Copyright ©2002 Louvain 431D, 1830 Lasne. Tel: + 32 2 379 and Advertising Manager: Anna
Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark and is published PSYCHOLOGIES GERMANY 29 90 Editorial Director: Marie-Christine Klopova (aklopova@hsmedia.ru)
monthly by Kelsey Media 2015 © all rights reserved. Kelsey Media is Madame Verlag, Leonrodstraße De Wasseige (mc.dewasseige@ventures. PSYCHOLOGIES CHINA
a trading name of Kelsey Publishing Ltd. Reproduction in whole or in part is forbidden except
52, 80636 Munich. Tel : +49 89 6974 be) Chief editor (French): Christiane Thiry Beijing Hearst Advertising,
with permission in writing from the publishers. Note to contributors: articles submitted for (christiane.thiry@ventures.be) Capital Land Tower, Jia 6 #1601,
consideration by the editor must be the original work of the author and not previously 9276. Editor: Robert Sandmann
Editor-in-Chief: Jenny Levié Chief editor (Flemish): Barbara Van den Jian Guo Men Wai av, ChaoYang
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The editor cannot guarantee a personal response to all letters and emails received. The views Tel: +86 10 85 67 66 88.
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Publishing Ltd accepts no liability for products and services offered by third parties. Pompeiu Street, Bucharest. Tel: +40 212 PSYCHOLOGIES RUSSIA Editor-in-Chief: Vanessa Hu
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6 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
 EDITOR’S LETTER

The joy of friendship

Moving from Yorkshire to London when I was in my twenties, I created a new ‘family’
for myself down south – a family of friends. We have been through a lot together – career
changes, births, marriages, death and divorce. Our marriages may not always have lasted,
but our friendships have endured. ‘It’s called the “village effect,” says psychologist Susan
Pinker, who inspired our Dossier on the importance of face-to-face friendships (page 72).
She explains, from a scientific and sociological perspective, why building and maintaining
real life, 3D friendships is important for everything from our sanity to our physical health.
Tanya Byron, clinical psychologist, talks to us on page 36 about how her friendships are
fundamental. ‘If I didn’t have my friends, I would feel utterly lost. All my success would
be meaningless,’ she says. I agree. I believe that hanging out with the people we love is what
gives our lives depth and meaning. But sometimes it’s hard to make new friends. If you’re
a bit shy or perhaps moved to a new area, making new friends can be challenging. Ali Roff,
our Dossier editor, gives you the lowdown on how to make a ‘friend date’ on page 79.
If you want to make friends in your local community, perhaps it’s the perfect time to
start your own Happiness Club (see page 64). New friendships are being forged globally
now – in over 798 of our Happiness Clubs across the
world. Do join us!
Anita Chaudhuri, our associate editor, wanted
to create more connection in her life and tried out
Street Wisdom – the latest trend in mindfulness – and
found a new way at looking at the world (page 48).
Sometimes connection is not about talking, it’s about
listening. Author Andreas Loizou learned the skill of
really ‘hearing’ his father. Read his touching story that
made us all cry on page 42.
This month, let’s listen and connect with friends old
and new, and create our own village of people who will
love us and accept us, just the way we are.
PHOTOGRAPH: LIBI PEDDER

P.S. We are working on making Psychologies the best it

can be. If you’d like to tell us how we can do that, please
Suzy Greaves
Editor, with Oscar
complete our survey: psychologies.co.uk/readersurvey the office dog
Viewpoint
Let us know what you think of the magazine and each month we’ll publish the best letters

STA R LETTER

THE RETURN OF A FRIEND

I’m so happy to have you back Psychologies! A couple
of years ago, I never missed an issue, but when I
lost my job I had to cut down on luxuries and that
included your magazine. Since I stopped buying
it, my self-esteem went downhill and I felt as if
I’d lost my ‘therapist’. Then last month, I spotted
Psychologies on my newsagent’s shelf and decided to
treat myself. I am so happy to have it back, as it helps
me to get through the tougher things in life with its
useful advice. Now I’m happy enough to cut down
on another item of luxury, such as chocolate, just to
save my money for the next issue. Nicolette

PHOTO COMPETITION

Would you like to showcase your talents in

Psychologies? Each month, we’re asking
you to submit your best photo on a theme.
We’ll print our winner in the next issue of
Psychologies and on psychologies.co.uk

AROMA SUN EXPERT SOOTHING AFTER-SUN MILK, £24 ; AROMA NUTRITION SATIN SOFTENING
*FOR FULL T&CS, SEE PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK **AROMA SUN EXPERT SUMMER OIL SPF30, £24;
the following month, and the winner gets
a bag of goodies! The next theme is
‘Friendship’. Send your photo attached in
an email to pictures@psychologies.co.uk
by midnight on 30 June.

WIN!
THIS MONTH’S
DRY OIL, £32. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE DECLEOR.CO.UK

STAR LETTER
AND PHOTO
COMPETITION
PRIZE: THE WINNER THIS MONTH
A Decléor skincare I chose this picture that I took in a wood in winter to illustrate ‘connect’,
set worth £80** as trees extend their branches towards each other as we do when we
reach out to others in physical relationships. This is a cyanotype picture
– an old analogue photographic process of exposing a negative under UV
light onto handmade paper coated in a chemical solution. Marie Pierre

EMAIL LETTERS@PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK. THE THEME FOR THE NEXT PHOTO COMPETITION* IS ‘FRIENDSHIP’. DEADLINE: 30 JUNE

8 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5

I’d like to thank…
ACCIDENTAL JOY
I had to write in to celebrate the
huge dose of perspective that ‘Happy
Accidents’ (May issue) gave me. I set
out in life with hundreds of fantastic
ideas and plans for the future. Many of
them haven’t played out as I had hoped,
and as I head towards 40 this year, I
have found myself coming to terms
with the fact that my life just isn’t as I
thought it would be. But then I look at
the things I didn’t plan; a few years in
America after a job offer came up,
a best friend made it through a trip
to hospital… Many of the hallmark
moments in my life were not planned
or created. They just happened.
Here’s to all our happy accidents,
and many more to come! Fleur
SINGLED OUT
With reference to your feature in the
May edition on ‘Grown-up Sex’, I have
to admit to feeling like a complete freak.
As a single mother living alone with my
daughter, I haven’t had a relationship,
let alone had sex, for several years. I
consider myself to be attractive, modern,
and a bloody good juggler. I’ve dabbled
in internet dating sites, but so far haven’t
had much success. My options are
limited to nights when I can get a
babysitter and I have certainly lost my
confidence. Bring on the champions
for us single mothers. We want to be
attractive, too! Lisa
IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO THANK? SHARE YOUR LETTER OF GRATITUDE BY SENDING IT TO LETTERS@PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK
feedback
THIS MONTH’S W INNING LETTER
Dear Beryl,
You were an extraordinary woman. Kind-hearted, generous and
like nobody else I’ve met. You dedicated your life to working
with children and young adults less fortunate than many of us.
One particular child you helped was my mum.
You helped her after she escaped an orphanage in the 1950s.
You supported her in finding her teenage twin sister who had
‘disappeared’; nobody but you believed she even existed.
My mum owed a lot to you and loved you like the mother she
deserved. She kept in touch with you all her life, you were at her
wedding, you regularly visited us for dinner. We came to stay
with you in Cornwall and you used to traipse to London,
catching up with all the girls you had helped.
You visited my mum when she was dying of cancer and you
remained my friend long after we lost her. We wrote to each
other, carrying on the tradition of meeting in London for dinner
and for walks and talks and trips to see you in Cornwall.
Sadly, and regrettably, I only heard about your short illness
after your death. I visited Cornwall where your ashes were
scattered. I looked out across the gorgeous scenery and cried,
and smiled like I do when I think of you and my mum. Without
you, she may not have had the same life, and nor would I.
I miss you and thank you. First and foremost, for giving my
mum a voice and strength and a better future. For giving my
aunt a life, too. And for giving me support, friendship, love
and self-belief at my lowest point – the death of my mum.
I need a bit of strength now, so I’ll think of you and mum,
and the love you both gave me.
Esther
THIS MONTH’S LETTER
OF GRATITUDE WINS…
A year’s digital subscription
to Psychologies, worth £28.99
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 9
 Christy Turlington Burns
Model, Mother, Maternal Health Advocate

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Find us in the Vitamins aisle in Boots. To book your

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 the Fix News i Reviews i Books i
edited by ALI ROFF

Film i Art i Ideas

Life is a
blank canvas,
and you need
to throw all
the paint on
it you can”
Danny Kaye

Where better to get some

perspective on life, shake things up,
leave the routine and devices behind
and generally inject some colour
into our lives? Hint: think dancing
under a disco ball of stars in the
night sky until your welly-clad feet
hurt, tents, new memories, and
bunting. Lots of bunting.
photograph: joanna henderson

Festival season is upon us,

so from home-made flower crowns
to welly-warmers, beautiful
bunting to bamboo streamers
– let the crafting commence!
‘Festival Fabulous’ by Ros Badger and
Christina Leech (Quadrille, £16.99).

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 11
THE FIX

SUNNY SIDE UP
Want to have the happiest summer ever? Wear shades.
A study* found that frowning caused by squinting in the
sunlight actually has the power to make us feel angry, and
that people who wore sunglasses were happier than those
who didn’t, making life truly rose-tinted.

From top: Linda Farrow

sunglasses, £360;
Phillip Lim sunglasses,
£155; Fendi sunglasses,
BOOK OF THE MONTH £190; all Selfridges

MISLAID and THE

WALLCREEPER

12
by Nell Zink (Fourth Estate, £20)

Off-kilter is the phrase that springs

to mind when attempting to describe
Nell Zink’s books. They are fresh and
infuriating in equal measure. The
Wallcreeper follows the feckless
romantic fortunes of a dysfunctional EVENTS PER YEAR ARE RUINED BY WET
couple who move from Philadelphia to
Switzerland, and takes in bird-watching,
WEATHER FOR THE AVERAGE BRIT – BUT
ecological disaster and the quest for 88% OF US HEAD OUTDOORS REGARDLESS**
personal freedom as its themes. Mislaid
is just as unique and strange – a gay
professor and his lesbian student DON’T MISS…
ILLUSTRATION: ISTOCK. BOOK REVIEW: EITHNE FARRY. *MARZOLIA ET AL.,
‘SUN-INDUCED FROWNING FOSTERS AGGRESSIVE FEELINGS’, COGNITION
marry in 1966 and have two children, …our very own sex and
before wife Peggy absconds with her relationships expert,
daughter, and convinces her new psychotherapist Esther Perel’s & EMOTION, 2013. **STUDY CONDUCTED BY HELLY HANSEN

neighbours that she is African- latest TED Talk on infidelity.

American, even though she is white. Esther is starting a new
Already fêted by Jonathan Franzen conversation, with the aim
(she became his pen-pal in 2011), Zink’s of understanding affairs –
previous writing credit was as the from how they happen to what
editor and founder of a post-punk they mean and how to deal
fanzine, all about the pets of musicians. with the aftermath. Does it
Zink had written in screeds in secret; always mean the breakdown
but it’s obvious the 50-year-old debut of a relationship? This is a
author is not afraid to tackle tricky TED Talk not to be missed.
subjects with bravado and bravery. EF Visit ted.com/speakers/esther_perel

DID YOU KNOW… LOUD NOISE (SUCH AS WHEN ON A PLANE) AFFECTS OUR TASTE BUDS? RESEARCHERS FOUND SWEETNESS W

12 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5

CULTUR E
We’ll see
you at…
…the NOW tent at Wilderness.
Top experts, including our very own
editor Suzy Greaves, will be there
talking on topics such as happiness
and mindfulness. For more on what
PHOTOGRAPH: ANDREW WHITTON. †KIMBERLEY S. YAN, ROBIN
we’ll be doing there, see page 90.
PERCEPTION’, JOURNAL OF EXPERIMENTAL PSYCHOLOGY
6-9 August 2015, wildernessfestival.com
DANDO, ‘A CROSSMODAL ROLE FOR AUDITION IN TASTE
…an open air cinema. What better
way to make the most of the long
summer nights than to grab a picnic
and a blanket, and catch a film out
in the open air? Check out Somerset
House and The Nomad locations in
London, Luna’s UK-wide venues and
Dublin’s Happenings.
somersethouse.org.uk/film, whereisthenomad.
com, thelunacinema.com, happenings.ie
S WAS SUPPRESSED, BUT SAVOURY FLAVOURS SUCH AS UMAMI AND TOMATO TASTED BETTER WHILE FLYING IN THE AIR.†
Make the most of
the summer at the
Wilderness festival
BOOKS TO SOOTHE THE SOUL
WE LOVE: Adventures In Human Being by Gavin Francis
(Profile Books, £14.99)
OUR FRIENDS AT RADIO 4 TELL US WHY THIS BOOK WILL MAKE YOU
THINK ABOUT THE BODY IN NEW WAYS:
‘To me,’ says executive producer Jo Coombs, ‘the workings of the human
body are mysterious, awe-inspiring and slightly perturbing. But Gavin
Francis’s Adventures In Human Being took me on a journey around the
body, in a way that went beyond queasy
anatomical detail and into history,
philosophy and personal memoir. I love
the way Francis blends stories from the
clinic with reflections on the way the body
has been imagined and understood over
millennia. He starts with the brain and ends
with the foot; it’s thanks to the arches of our
feet that we stepped into our humanity over
two million years ago.’
Listen to ‘Adventures In Human Being’ on ‘Book
of the Week’, from 8 June at 9.45am. The abridger
is Jo Coombs; the producer Hannah Marshall; it is
a Loftus production. Go to bbc.co.uk/books for more.
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 13
THE FIX

Bamboo utensils, £35 for a set of

93%
six, The Contemporary Home
OF WOMEN SAY
ELECTRONIC
DEVICES ARE
‘VITAL’, BUT MEN
ARE THREE TIMES
MORE LIKELY TO
SAY THEY DON’T
NEED THEIR
DEVICES AT ALL*

HEALTH FOOD
It seems healthy eating starts at home. New research** found that
people who cook at home six or seven nights a week not only eat
more healthily than those who don’t cook for themselves as often,
but also eat healthier meals on the occasions when they eat out.

SCHOOL OF LIFE
LESSONS
“Confidence isn’t something

*FIGURES FROM MENDIT. ** WOLFSON, JULIA AND BLEICH, SARA, ‘IS COOKING AT HOME ASSOCIATED
we are born with, it’s a muscle

WITH BETTER DIET QUALITY OR WEIGHT-LOSS INTENTION?’ PUBLIC HEALTH NUTRITION, 2014
we have to strengthen. We
must continuously audit our
current capabilities and
identify what we have yet
to master to stretch and grow
it accordingly”
SAMANTHA CLARKE
Pineapple rubber
phone case, £10, Samantha Clarke is a happiness consultant, change-maker and founder of
Accessorize Samantha &. She runs courses on leadership, communication and self-esteem at
The School of Life, including How To Be Confident on 14 July; theschooloflife.com

58% OF BRITS THINK SOCIAL MEDIA HAS A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON THEIR FRIENDSHIPS, AND NEARLY TWO-THIRDS FEAR THEIR

14 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
 FILM OF THE MONTH IN CELEBRATION OF…

Danny Collins
…Frida Kahlo, the woman whose paintings fetch
more money than any other female artist and
who, with 55 self-portraits, knew herself so well
Directed by Dan Fogelman that she was the main subject of her own work:
‘I am the subject I know best,’ she said.
Inspired by the true story of folk singer Steve
Tilston, this is a tale about living a more authentic
life. We see Danny (Al Pacino), fake-tanned and
coke-snorting, preparing for a gig where he
performs to a crowd mostly made up of female
pensioners. Danny is disillusioned and
FILM REVIEW: DANIELLE WOODWARD. †STUDY INTO MODERN FRIENDSHIP,

disappointed with his life, despite his beautiful

young wife, mansion and enduring popularity
COMMISSIONED BY THOMAS J FUDGE’S REMARKABLE BAKERY

– he thinks he’s sold out. Then his manager Frank

(Christopher Plummer) tracks down a letter that
John Lennon had written to Danny in the ’70s, but
that he never received. This inspires Danny to leave
his mansion, move into a hotel and attempt to
write songs again, while trying to make peace with
his estranged son and his family, and attempting to
charm the hotel manager Mary (Annette Bening). Frida Kahlo
Despite the predictable storyline, it’s an cushion,
£39, Graham
enjoyable experience offering lots of laughs, and and Green
Al Pacino is entertaining playing against type as
the ageing rock star, who learns that it’s never
too late to get in touch with his true self. DW

FRIENDSHIPS ARE BECOMING MORE SUPERFICIAL.† SEE OUR DOSSIER ON FACE-TO-FACE FRIENDSHIPS ON PAGE 72.

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 15
THE FIX
HOW TO…
Discover the truth
Getting someone to tell us the truth is a very useful skill
– and one we can learn easily, according to Philip Houston,
Michael Floyd and Susan Carnicero, former CIA officers,
and authors of Get The Truth. Here’s how:
● Meet one-to-one. Nobody confesses to a crowd. Bring
food: people are more likely to open up when they’re
eating as they associate food with pleasure. Plus, it makes
you likeable and makes others feel indebted to you.
● Don’t be accusatory. Instead, show empathy and
sympathy, and be sincere. Talk slowly and quietly and start
with a Direct Observation of Concern (DOC). For example:
‘Thank you for agreeing to speak with me. I do appreciate
it. The thing is, some of what you’re saying isn’t adding up,
and I need you to help me understand what I’m missing.’
● Don’t ask questions; create a monologue. Imply that you
already know what they’ve done, that you understand the
pressures that led to their understandable mistake and if
READ MORE: ‘GET THE TRUTH: FORMER CIA OFFICERS TEACH YOU HOW TO PERSUADE ANYONE TO TELL ALL’
BY PHILIP HOUSTON, MICHAEL FLOYD AND SUSAN CARNICERO (ICON, £12.99) IS OUT NOW.
16 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
they can confess, then you can work together on fixing
the problem. A guilty person just wants to be understood,
because it allows them to feel they’ve been forgiven.
● Cultivate short-term thinking. The moment the person
starts thinking of the long-term consequences of their
lie, they will clam up. So don’t dwell on the potential
consequences of the truth. Use statements like: ‘It’s a
fixable problem’ and help them to save face by saying
things like: ‘Good people sometimes do stupid things’.
● Hold up your hand if they deny they are lying to indicate
they need to stop talking. Use the person’s first name and
repeat your monologue, using phrases such as: ‘We just
need to figure out why this has happened and fix it’.
● Do not accuse; use a presumptive question. Instead
of saying: ‘Did you take the money?’, which gives your
interviewee the message that you still don’t know if it’s
true, assume it is true and ask: ‘Where is the money now?’
PHOTOGRAPH: ISTOCK
THE FIX

BOOK CLUB

Life lessons
Suzy Greaves explains why we should
all read Very Good Lives, the book of
JK Rowling’s commencement speech
made at Harvard University in 2008

W
hile looking for a present for my
godson’s 13th birthday, Very Good
Lives: The Fringe Benefits Of Failure
And The Importance Of Imagination by JK
Rowling (Sphere, £9.99) landed on my desk.
As we are both Harry Potter fans, a new book
by Rowling would always be a good idea. And
this is the perfect book to give to a boy on the
cusp of becoming a man – not because it
channels magic from the wizarding world, but
rather the hard-won wisdom of JK herself.
Having inhaled it in one sitting, laughing and
crying at her advice to the graduating Harvard
class of 2008, I believe it should be compulsory
reading for all young people. Actually, it’s perfect
for anyone about to make the next leap in their
life, no matter how old. Here are the five things
I learned:

● Embrace failure. ‘Some failure in life is

inevitable. It is impossible to live without
failing at something unless you live so
cautiously that you might as well not have
lived at all, in which case you fail by default.’
● Know what makes you happy and what
doesn’t. ‘Personal happiness lies in knowing
life is not a checklist of acquisitions or
achievements. Your CV is not your life.’
● What we achieve inwardly will change our
outer reality. Rowling on quoting Greek author
Plutarch says: ‘This statement expresses,
in part, our inescapable connection with the
outside world; the fact that we touch each
other’s lives simply by existing.’
● Use your imagination to empathise.
‘Imagination in its… most transformative and
revelatory capacity, is the power that enables
us to empathise with humans whose experiences
we have never shared.’
● Put down your wand. ‘We do not need magic
to transform our world; we carry all the power
PHOTOGRAPH: ARCANGEL

we need inside ourselves already.

SALES OF VERY GOOD LIVES WILL BENEFIT LUMOS, A CHARITY FOUNDED BY JK ROWLING (WEARELUMOS.ORG)

18 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
 Broderie
THE FIX
anglaise
smock dress,
£299, East
Crescent
necklace,
£45, 2nd Day

Sunglasses,
£8, Dorothy
Perkins

Ochre silk
Suede dress, £160,
jacket, £99, Dagmar
Red Herring at
Debenhams

Print ST Y LE
dress,

Bohemian
£109,
Monsoon

rhapsody
Emerald
tassel bikini
top, £17.99;
and mustard
bottoms,
To live a truly bohemian lifestyle is to £15.99,
be artistic, original and adventurous; to both Zara
wander, spending time in the company
of like-minded people who are equally
non-conformist. In that sense, finding
Paisley our real tribe, the ones who understand
shorts, £125, us, share our passions and travel on
Juicy Couture
Suede bag, those important journeys with us, is
£423, Chloe integral to creating an authentic lifestyle.
at Farfetch And when it comes to our wardrobe,
what does it mean to dress as the real Platform gladiator
sandals, £160,
us? How do our clothes represent
Whistles
our personality?
When living authentically, is it just as
WORDS: ALI ROFF. COMPILED BY BONNIE
RAKHIT. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140

important to find clothes that reflect

our passions and the journeys
Be we take? Either way, we like the
inspired idea of at least dressing for
the occasion.

‘THE PRIVILEGE OF A LIFETIME IS TO BECOME WHO YOU TRULY ARE’ CARL JUNG

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 21
 THE BIG INTERVIEW

CHRISTY
Turlington Burns
The model turned humanitarian talks to Psychologies
editor Suzy Greaves about reinvention, running a
marathon and why fear doesn’t have to be a bad thing

“ when you have self-knowledge,

you can check in with your body
and ask: what is this feeling? ”
J A N UJ A
URLY 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 23
Y 2014
 the big interview

Sitting down to dinner with four of my

“
>>>

most long-standing friends, I tell them my news: ‘I’m inter-

i just wanted
viewing Christy Turlington Burns tomorrow.’ Enthusiastic
shrieking turns to hilarity when I also say, ‘Do you know she’s
to help, to make
nearly the same age as me?’ ‘No way, how is that possible?’
they laugh. Not exactly the reaction I was looking for.
a difference, to
But as we talked, we realised that Turlington Burns, one
do something
”
of the original ‘supermodels’, holds a fascination for us not
just because of the way she looks, but because of the path she’s
forged for herself. My gang and I grew up in the 80s and 90s
meaningful
when the ‘Supers’ graced every magazine cover that we
bought. They formed a beautiful, powerful backdrop of from the inside out, rather than the outside in, is a priority for
Amazonian women to our coming of age. But Turlington me,’ she has said. ‘Like most women, my skin had become dull
Burns, it seems, was always the one my friends and I liked best and thinner with age, but it has completely turned around
– she was the ‘intelligent, wise’ one. Despite partying with the now. I started taking Imedeen Time Perfection last June and,
original supermodel pack, which included Naomi Campbell, by September, I could already see a big difference.’
Elle Macpherson, Cindy Crawford, Linda Evangelista and I interview her two days after she’s run the London
Claudia Schiffer, she seemed to set herself apart from an early Marathon in three hours and 46 minutes. ‘Aren’t you knac-
age. While the others had tantrums, anger issues and refused kered?’ I asked. I ran the London marathon two years ago in
to get out of bed unless they were given a wad load of cash, a rather longer five hours 15 minutes, and lay in bed groaning
Turlington Burns took up yoga, learned to meditate and for at least a week afterwards. Turlington Burns, however,
wrote her first book, Living Yoga: Creating a Life Practice. I had been practising yoga that very morning. ‘No, I feel great,’
remember leafing through it and discussing it with my friends, she says. ‘It’s my fourth marathon and I have kept up my trai-
and we vowed solemnly to give up our ladette ways and take ning and run all year round.’ She was inspired to run the New
a yoga class. York Marathon in 2012 when she was offered 10 charity places
for her newly founded charity Every
Inner beauty BIOGR A PH Y Mother Counts. ‘I was excited about the
We have since watched Turlington Burns personal challenge of running all that
go from being one of the most successful l 1969: Born on 2 January way, but also because of the connection
l 1983: Her modelling career
models on the planet to reinventing her- to the charity, because distance is one of
self again and again, from entrepreneurial started when a photographer the greatest barriers for women who are
asked to take her photograph
yogi to author to documentary director to in need of maternal healthcare.’
when she was horseback-
humanitarian advocate, recently being In 2010, Turlington founded Every
riding at the age of 14
named one of the TIME 100 Most l 1994: Went back to university
Mother Counts, a charity dedicated to
Influential People of 2014 for her work to in New York to study a Liberal making pregnancy and childbirth safe
raise awareness of maternal mortality. Arts Degree for every mother. ‘In many countries,
As I pore over the photographs of the l 2002: Published Living Yoga: and even some rural communities in the
face that has graced hundreds of maga- Creating a Life Practice United States, five kilometres is the mini-
zine covers, I try not to compare my ageing l 2003: Married Ed Burns mum distance women must walk to
process to hers. She was, after all, descri- and became a mother when reach a clinic to deliver their baby. When
bed as ‘the most beautiful woman in the daughter Grace was born people hear, “5k for a woman in labour”,
l 2006: Son Finn was born.
world’ by photographer David Bailey, but that’s an unbearable thought. Actually,
l 2010: Directed her first
as I read through the numerous inter- 26.2 miles is average for a lot of women. I
documentary No Woman, No Cry,
views she’s done, I recognise that her made a documentary film [No Woman,
a film exploring maternal health,
approach has always been to focus from No Cry] about maternal health around
and co-founded Every Mother
the inside out. A yoga convert since the age Counts, a charity to educate the the world, and there were a lot of women
of 18 and currently global ambassador for public about maternal mortality who, when they needed medical care, had
Imedeen skin supplements, Turlington l 2015: Currently studying for a to travel 35km, so those distances really
Burns is a living, breathing embodiment master’s degree in public health have a direct link to real-life experiences
of beauty from within. ‘Caring for my skin at Columbia University for people,’ she says.

24 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
 Turlington Burns with fellow supermodels Linda
Evangelista, Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell
In Haiti working as an ambassador for her charity,
which supports global maternal health programmes
The aim of Turlington Burns’s charity is to inform, engage,
and mobilise new audiences to take action and raise funds
that support maternal health programmes around the world.
Why was she inspired to set up this charity? ‘I had a compli-
cation after delivering my daughter, Grace, who is now 11.’
PHOTOGRAPHS OF CHRISTY TURLINGTON BURNS BY DANIEL
Turlington Burns has two children: Grace and Finn, 9, with
JACKSON FOR IMEDEEN. OTHER PHOTOGRAPHS: REX
film-maker Ed Burns. ‘I was in hospital with a great midwife
and doctor, so I endured and survived, but I learned that hun-
dreds of thousands of women die from very similar compli-
cations that are easily preventable.’
Making a difference
Many of us might suffer a health scare and sink into apathetic
gloom afterwards. Not Turlington Burns. ‘I just wanted to
help, to make a difference, to do something meaningful. But
I think it’s very human to feel overwhelmed. You want to help,
After completing the London Marathon, where
she ran in aid of her charity, Every Mother Counts
With her husband, actor and writer Ed Burns, with whom she’ll
be celebrating 12 years of marriage this June
but don’t know how. For me, the challenges in my own life
helped me focus on where I could help. When I lost my father
to lung cancer in the late ’90s, it was the same. That loss spur-
red me on to become an anti-smoking campaigner.’
Turlington Burns was brought up in northern California.
Her father was a Pan Am pilot, her mother an immigrant from
El Salvador, and they met while her mother was working as a
Pan Am air hostess in the mid-1960s. Turlington’s father died
of lung cancer in 1997 at the age of 64. He had smoked for more
than 50 years and was diagnosed just two months after he
gave up. ‘My father was my role model; watching him fight
lung cancer was one of the hardest things I have ever done,’
says Turlington Burns.
Since having her own children, she is even more passio-
nate about setting an example of living a good life. ‘But I don’t
think it’s about telling them what to do. It’s about modelling >>>
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 25
the big conversation

26 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 4

“ it’s important for
me to choose my
goals and to keep
”
challenging myself
>>> it. Kids do what we do, not what we say. If I’m kind, they will
be kind; if I’m polite, they will be too; if I’m respectful, it’s
more likely they will be as well.’
She has help. ‘My husband has embraced the opportunity
to be a hands-on dad,’ she says. ‘We share the childcare; if my
daughter has an activity at the weekend, Eddie will take her
and I will go somewhere with my son. We try to make sure
they have an equal amount of both of us. We make time for
the family, but I also make time for some one-on-one with my
husband. We are about to celebrate our 12th anniversary and
I’m going to take him away for the night,’ she says.
Turlington Burns met the then 32-year-old actor at a cha-
rity event in the Hamptons, New York, in 2000. By the end of
the year, they were engaged. After a brief split in 2002, the
couple reunited and got married in 2003 when Grace was
born. In 2006, they welcomed Finn to their family.
Making time for each other
She famously joked that the secret of a happy marriage is
separate bathrooms. ‘Absolutely!’ she laughs. ‘But actually,
it’s mostly about spending time together. Most people I know
who have long, happy relationships make their relationships
a priority. This will be tough for our anniversary this year, as
it falls at the end of the school year when we have a million
recitals for the kids. But we’ll make it happen somehow.’
Family is very important to Turlington Burns. She is the
middle of three sisters and is very close to them. ‘They are my
best friends ,’ she says simply. It must help that her sister, Kelly,
is married to Ed’s brother, Brian. ‘One of my sisters lives in
New York, the other in California. I love spending time with
them. But I do find it hard trying to juggle seeing friends on
top of everything else. I have friends all over the world – and
we remain good friends because we give each other freedom
and flexibility. We understand we can’t be there for each other
all the time. I never take it personally if I don’t hear from
someone in a while. I know people are busy.’
I tell her about our 18-page Dossier in Psychologies this
month on the value of face-to-face friendships. ‘I completely
agree. I hate talking on the phone. It could never, ever replace
seeing someone in person. I tend to book to see my friends –
by going to a yoga class together or going for a run together.’
the big interview
The couple has made downtown New York their base,
sending their children to a ‘sweet, small school’ with a curri-
culum of social justice and human rights. ‘It’s very important
to me that they are exposed to those values,’ she says. It was
New York where she chose to go back to university and gra-
duated in 1999 with a degree in Comparative Religion and
Eastern Philosophy. ‘I have been privileged to travel to diffe-
rent countries where different faiths have played a role – in
positive and negative ways – and I’m fascinated by it,’ she says.
Turlington Burns was raised Catholic. ‘My mother is from
Latin America and my husband’s family is from Ireland; so
Catholicism is part of our family’s histories. But by studying
different religions, I haven’t become attached to a particular
one but have adopted pieces of all of them that I think are
beautiful. I don’t believe in labels.’
She is passionate about living a life based on her values of
compassion and kindness. She says: ‘I am intentionally choo-
sing the life I want to live now. With modelling, I started at 14,
so it didn’t necessarily feel like I was choosing it. Now it’s
important for me to choose my goals and to keep challenging
myself. I love trying out new things, and staying open and
curious. It’s important to keep learning throughout your life.’
I share with her the concept of Psychologies’ Happiness
Clubs that our readers have created across the world, and how
the ‘key to happiness’ we are focusing on this month is exactly
that – learning new things (see page 64). ‘Yes, it does make
you happy. That’s why we’re on this planet,’ she agreed. ‘To
learn and grow.’
Does she ever become anxious when she’s invited to do
something new or when she’s about to make another life leap,
be it starting her new charity or running the marathon? ‘I
won’t allow fear to stop me from doing anything in life,’ she
says. ‘But a little bit of fear is not a bad thing. It can teach you
things. It’s about accepting all your feelings, rather than
pushing them away. ‘When you have self-knowledge, you can
check in with your body and ask: what is this feeling, why am
I feeling this way? I think practising yoga for so many years
has allowed me to trust my body and my gut instincts.’
‘What was she like?’ my girlfriends ask the next day. ‘I
think our original feelings were right,’ I say. ‘She is the wise,
intelligent one’. Yes, I know she was lucky enough to be born
with a beautiful face, but she has harnessed that power in a
smart way, not only to create success for herself, but also for
others. If, in the words of Coco Chanel, ‘you get the face you
deserve’, then maybe Christy Turlington Burns did. Not quite
sure what that says about me, though.
For more information on Every Mother Counts, see everymothercounts.
org. For more information on Imedeen, see imedeen.co.uk/products/
skincare-in-a-tablet/time-perfection
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 27
Inspiration on the move!
Read Psychologies wherever you are in the world

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Emotions make us human.

Denying them makes us beasts”

Powerful
Victoria Klein, author and yoga teacher

emotions
Engulfed in a state of exuberant joy, swarming with jealousy, or
paralysed by jittery over-excitement… every day, even hour to
hour, our internal emotional mood board changes, reacting to
the triumphs and challenges of life. But society tells us to keep
calm and carry on. We are advised not to display our feelings
to save face, and to be ‘emotional’, particularly at work (and
particularly as a woman), is a dangerous thing.
Yet our emotions are important for communication, for our
survival and for our understanding of ourselves. This month, we
are embracing our strong, powerful emotions, and using them
to our advantage. We invite you to open up with us…
ILLUSTRATIONS SERGE BLOCH

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 THE LIFE LAB } experiment

MIND

Make small talk with strangers

Every month, Martha Roberts invites you to road-test research around feeling good

1 THE PROJECT
Most of us look forward to a
chit-chat with friends, but studies
suggest that talking to people we don’t
know can also improve our wellbeing.

2 THE AIM
Taking the time to chat to
strangers could make you a more
contented person by widening your world.

3 THE THEORY
Yes, there’s evidence to show the
importance of support from
friends and social groups,* but there’s a
growing body of research to suggest that
strangers have their role to play in our
happiness, too.
In their 2014 research involving nine
separate experiments, Nicholas Epley and
Juliana Schroeder from the University
of Chicago asked commuters to partake
in one of three situations: engaging in NOW TRY IT OUT
conversation with a stranger on the train, ● Don’t get hung up on the outcome. One of the reasons we won’t
sitting in solitude, or behaving as they say hi to strangers is that we fear we’ll be rejected, says Professor
usually would (such as looking at phones Epley. You may well be ignored or brushed off, so before you interact,
or listening to music). The results showed you need to anticipate a possible rejection. See a failure as a chance to
that those who were told to strike up a learn about yourself and improve how you interact in these situations.
conversation with a stranger had the most ● Make the other person central to your conversation. If you’re
positive experiences. Sitting in solitude thinking, ‘How do I even start?’, make the stranger’s interests and ideas
gave the least enjoyment and behaving the focal point of your conversation and respond to what they tell you.
normally was somewhere in-between. This way, you can discover their core passion. Look out for their eyes
ILLUSTRATION: ROSE BLAKE/CENTRAL ILLUSTRATION
AGENCY. *BOLGER, ZUCKERMAN AND KESSLER, 2000

Professor Epley says that being civil
towards ‘distant others or random
strangers’ is typically believed to benefit
those being spoken to (the stranger), but
adds: ‘The results, however, join a growing
body of research suggesting positive
consequences of pro-sociality for oneself.’
lighting up when they talk about something and build on this subject.
● Make them laugh. A study from psychologists at the universities of
Kent and Liverpool revealed that laughter acts as a social lubricant by
enhancing a sense of group identity among strangers. By making them
laugh, you’re helping to dissipate potentially awkward situations.
MARTHA ROBERTS is an award-winning UK health writer and
mental health blogger at mentalhealthwise.com

JOIN US! DO YOU CHAT TO STRANGERS? TELL US AT FACEBOOK.COM/PSYCHOLOGIES OR ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 29
style

“
how to look lik e your self

I hate the word cool;

my style is quirky”
Psychologies image expert Mandy Lehto, talks to entrepreneur Calypso
Rose about keeping her look fresh and how her work inspires her wardrobe
PHOTOGR APHs KI PRICE

W
hen you live on a houseboat, wardrobe space is at
a premium. ‘My clothes are quality over quantity,’
says Calypso Rose, 34, founder of The Indytute,
which runs inspired lessons on anything from
blues guitar to planting terrariums. ‘I like to participate in the les-
sons, so my wardrobe needs to be practical,’ she says. She cycles
most places, ‘even in heels’. The practical bit of her wardrobe con-
sists of boiler suits and playsuits, ‘things I can move in,’ she says.
‘Then I add an eclectic twist – something to make the look fun and
approachable. My look represents my brand.
‘I’m constantly trying new things and moving around,’ she says.
‘We’re about to move our houseboat to west London. I don’t like
staying put for too long.’ She uses the same approach with her
wardrobe. If she hasn’t worn a piece for a year, she donates it. ‘I
don’t want to stay moored in my own look either.’
Does she aspire to look cool, I ask? ‘Actually, I hate the word
“cool”. My style is quirky, but still chic. I’m inspired by Shoreditch.
I like shopping in independent boutiques like Secret Emporium.’
In her first business, Clippykit, a personalised handbag com-
pany, Calypso often wore her company colours. ‘I was dressing
quite girly, wearing lots of pink and red.’ When she founded The
Indytute, her look evolved into its current eclectic form. ‘I realised
how much my work affects my style. I wear more yellow and
orange now, which are my new company colours.’ Before starting
her businesses, Calpyso – like so many of us – wore a lot of black.
‘My granny, who was fashion editor for Picture Post, used to tell me
off for wearing black. Now I see that she was right, colour is fun.’
I ask Calypso to talk me through her most-worn eclectic pieces.
‘A leopard print coat or dress always cheers up an outfit.’ The key,
she adds, is to underdress the leopard. ‘Try pairing it with flats.
And hats,’ she enthuses. ‘They make an outfit fun.’
Her advice is to spend money on pieces that you love and wear
often – and don’t feel guilty about it. ‘Clothes make you feel confi-
dent, which opens up a world of possibilities.’

30 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
Keep your look fresh
● Rotate your wardrobe
by season to save space
● Pare down. Spend as
much as you can afford on
a few good pieces ● Get
eclectic. Start with coats
and shoes ● Mix the
unexpected: a sequin skirt
with a well-cut grey t-shirt.
Or team a quirky print
dress with flat brogues
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 31
love

32 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 5
The rush
crush
of the
[ relationships ]
We all get crushes from
time to time, but are
they harmless daydreams, or a symptom of
something more? Rosie Ifould investigates what
it means for our heads – and our relationships
– when our hearts start beating a little faster

R
ecently, I watched one of
my friends dance with her
husband. They had a rare
night off from their three
children and they had
just hit the right level of ‘happy drunk’ –
he spun her round to make her laugh,
then pulled her in close for a slow dance.
It was like watching a perfectly choreo-
graphed scene in a romcom. I’ve known
them for 20 years and they’ve been in
love, properly, romantically ‘in love’
with each other for all that time.
And yet… Three weeks before, I’d
been for a drink with that same friend,
and she’d told me a secret. ‘I’ve started
thinking about someone else. A lot,’
she said. He was a fellow parent at her
children’s school. She’d known him for
a couple of years but their kids were
now best friends so suddenly, he was
always around, and she realised she’d
started daydreaming about him. She
was also making a bit more effort with
her appearance. ‘I’ve rearranged my
work so I can pick the kids up on the
same days as him,’ she admitted. It was
clear that in her mind, this was bad.
Nothing had happened between them;
there wasn’t even outrageous flirting –
she’s not the type – but she felt like
she’d already crossed a line.
Nothing beats a crush for making
you feel like a teenager again. In fact, >>>

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 33
relationships
crushes are an essential part of adoles-
cence. Psychologist Carl Pickhardt
suggests there are two primary kinds
of crush – the romantic, and the iden-
tity crush. In the latter, we idealise our
role models and in doing so, we learn
about our own values and the kind of
person we want to become. The
romantic crushes we have as adoles-
cents are searingly intense; our first
approximations of what it might be
like to truly fall for someone. Although
we might be tempted to laugh them off
as older, wiser adults, those early
romantic crushes are some of the
most powerfully felt experiences of
our lives. Little wonder, then, that it
can feel so intoxicating when we meet
someone in adulthood who gives us
the same kind of teenage rush. It might
all feel like good clean fun, but if you’re
in a committed relationship, are your
crushes really so innocent?
It’s the who
It might depend on the object of your
desire. You can’t stop thinking about
George Clooney? Probably reasona-
bly harmless; you’re unlikely to meet
him and have an affair (sorry). But if
you’re fantasising about people you
know, your crush has the added ele-
ment of ‘what if?’ And of course, social
media is now more likely to play a role
in how you handle your crush.
A recent study suggests that we
may be using sites like Facebook to
maintain ‘back burner’ relationships.
‘A “back burner” is someone with
whom you maintain some degree of
contact; with whom you might one day
have a relationship,’ explains Dr
Michelle Drouin, co-author of the
study. ‘That person probably doesn’t
have any idea that they are your back
burner but if you were asked if this
person could fulfil a relationship role
in your life, the answer would be yes.’
Bizarrely, the study suggested that
having a large number of back-burner
34 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
contacts was no indication of the
health of the relationship but, even so,
Drouin thinks that the arrival of so
many new ways of keeping in touch
has blurred the boundaries of what’s
acceptable. ‘Our relationship norms
are changing,’ she says. ‘We used to
have little black books that we’d just
destroy, but no-one disappears any
more. People always stay connected
and people can always find you.’
‘Our crushes may be very well con-
tained, but we have to allow for the
You can’t stop
thinking about
George Clooney?
Probably reasonably
harmless. But if
you’re fantasising
about people you
know, your crush has
the added element
of ‘what if?’”
possibility that when we use a more
innocent term like “crush”, it can be a
way of trying to cover up the fact that
something more sinister may be tak-
ing place, something more potentially
destructive within the core marital
relationship,’ says Professor Brett
Kahr of the Tavistock Centre for Cou-
ple Relationships. ‘The world is full of
beautiful, sexy, glamorous people and
if you are reasonably healthy, you are
going to find lots of them attractive.
You might go to a party, meet someone
so interesting that you could talk to
them for hours – that’s a kind of crush,
when you’re excited and enlivened by
somebody and it could be the bedrock
of health, to experience that. But when
it becomes sexualised, and it allows
you to denigrate your partner, then
you’re in more complicated waters.
The crush becomes what I would call a
euphemism for sexual fantasy.’
‘Almost all my crushes are on peo-
ple at work – the joke is that they’re my
work husbands,’ says Jo, head of mar-
keting for a large media firm. ‘I’ve got a
thing about needing to be special, so I
flirt with the work husbands and they
look out for me; they always phone to
ask if I want a coffee in the morning or
I take lunch in for them. My boyfriend
knows about it, and it’s all fine, as long
as I feel in control.
‘There was one work crush who
tried to take things further and it
really messed with my head. I didn’t
know if we should pursue it – did the
fact that I’d allowed it to get that far
mean that I shouldn’t stay with my
partner? It tortured me for months. I
just didn’t know who I was any more.’
What do you really want?
As part of the research for his book,
Sex And The Psyche: The Truth About
Our Most Secret Fantasies (Penguin,
£21), Kahr surveyed thousands of fan-
tasies from the public, from question-
naires, in face-to-face interviews, and
drawn from his decades of working as
a relationship therapist. The results
show that our fantasies are anything
photographs: (previous page): trunk archive (This page): arcangel
but straightforward, and can come
from the unlikeliest psychological
roots (Kahr outlines 14 different
meanings of sexual fantasy, from
wish-fulfilment to mastery of trauma).
A crush, he says, ‘could be a yearning
for something not being fulfilled in the
current [marital] relationship.’
Like Jo, we find ourselves power-
fully attracted to people who see us as
new and special, unlike our long-term
partners who take us for granted. Or
perhaps you find yourself drawn to
extroverts, who seem very different
from your lovely but painfully shy

partner, who you secretly feel makes
you a little dull by association.
It could be that your fantasies allow
you a degree of sexual fulfilment with-
out harming your partner, says Kahr.
Perhaps you’ve always had a thing for
S&M – you know your current partner
would be horrified and you love them
deeply, so you don’t say anything, but
you spend your time fantasising about
Jamie Dornan in full-on Fifty Shades
mode. Or perhaps you are still trying
to heal old wounds and your own
issues with commitment and attach-
ment mean that deep down, you really
want to hurt your partner.
Our crushes can come from sur-
prising, shocking places. They have
Your crush on
your boss might have
little to do with them
as a person, and
everything to do
with the balance of
power between you”
the power to dominate our imagina-
tions, to make us feel shame and to
lead us to question the foundations of
our closest relationships. Of course,
they can also be a fun and healthy way
of whiling away the odd half hour. The
secret to harnessing their power is
to understand your crushes – to really
understand them properly.
Beyond the pub fantasy
Kahr points out the difference
between ‘pub’ fantasy and ‘private’
fantasy. ‘When friends get together,
they might say, “I really fancy Brad
Pitt” but it’s a meaningless statement,’
he says. One of those friends might
dream about having his babies, one
woman might want to be tied up by
him, another woman might want to
dominate him. ‘So much depends not
just on whether you have a crush, but
what it is actually about,’ says Kahr.
So, your disturbingly powerful
crush on your boss might reveal itself
as a yearning that actually has very lit-
tle to do with him as a person, and
everything to do with wanting to
change the balance of power in your
relationship. It isn’t the person we
have the crush on, but what they rep-
resent that matters.
‘I’ve been a professional actor for
15 years and I still get terrible crushes
on people I work with,’ says Kirsty. ‘I
worked out a long time ago, with the
help of my therapist, that it’s not really
about sex. For me, it’s about needing a
real connection to people because the
transient nature of my life makes me
uneasy. It is different now I have a
child; I find it easier to keep the
crushes in perspective.’
When crushes are about sex, they
can form the basis of some very pow-
erful erotic homework. Sex therapist
Laurie Mintz, author of A Tired Wom-
an’s Guide to Passionate Sex (Adams
Media, £9.99) advocates setting time
aside for sexual daydreaming every
day, to stimulate ‘the sex organ above
your neck’.
And if you feel guilty fantasising
about the guy next door, or the dad on
the school run, or your husband’s
brother? Remember, it’s not really
about them. It’s all about you.
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 35
Tanya Byron
[ SHARED VALUES ]
The clinical psychologist and writer made her name
on TV with child behaviour shows such as BBC’s
The House of Tiny Tearaways. She is married with two teenage children
INTERVIEW ELIZABETH HEATHCOTE photogr aph pål hansen
My dad was an incredibly driven, motivated man whose
philosophy was about turning negatives into positives.
He had very high standards and could be tough and, as a
teenager, I found that difficult, but he was also loving and
supportive. He believed in talking through problems, being
open and honest so, in terms of what I do, I take a lot from
him. He died suddenly in 2005, and I miss him a lot.
I went to an academic all-girls’ school that I hated, and
my mother was told by a teacher that I would never be
a high-flyer. She was outraged and determined for me to
understand my value as a person – that I may not be hitting
the top grades, but that it was all to come.
I think there’s an almost neurotic preoccupation with
perfectionism in children. We need to celebrate when our
children make mistakes, because it’s so important for them
to learn how to deal with not always getting it right.
We live in a paranoid, risk-averse culture. We’re
fed horrific news stories 24 hours a day and we feel our
children are at risk. But until we can loosen that anxiety,
our children are vulnerable. I see children who have highly
structured and managed lives and who lack independence.
The world is tough, but it’s how we learn to manage difficult
experiences that is the mark of psychological wellbeing.
My grandmother was murdered when I was 15, by a
woman who was eight months pregnant and a drug user,
who was sentenced to manslaughter with diminished
responsibility – she was out within 18 months. I was beyond
furious. I went to my grandmother’s house and I probably
shouldn’t have done. I saw the blood and where the fight
had been. I can still see it, but I can live with it.
I was left with a big question mark, particularly at that
time of life when you’re idealistic. Suddenly something
so tragic happened and it shook the foundations of my
36 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
rose-coloured view of life. I started to research serial killers,
and it took me into the brain, behaviour and psychology.
I suppose I’m not angry any more. I know there’s all this
stuff around the need to forgive in order to move on, but I
don’t really understand what that means. I can try to think
about what drove that woman to do what she did; try to
understand why. I don’t see the point in holding on to anger;
it’s toxic, but I’m not living in a cloud of compassion. It had a
devastating impact on my family and that will never change.
I see friendship as fundamental to managing life. If I
didn’t have my friends, I would feel utterly lost and all my
success would be meaningless. I was brought up in a busy,
sociable home and it’s the same in our house now. That
noise and bustle; that sense of people and laughter and
conversation – it’s life-affirming. We are social animals
– we are designed to interact and to care and be cared for.
I think friendship is about being open. I work with young
people with social anxiety who are incredibly self-conscious
– some can’t even eat in front of people. I say to them: look,
human beings are narcissists, so while you’re sitting there
thinking that everyone is thinking about you, they’re sitting
there thinking that everyone is thinking about them.
Be yourself. Self-deprecation is good – being able
to laugh at yourself. Try not to be too sensitive, and be
friends with people you can trust to be critical in a kind
way, not in a trying-to-score-points way.
HAIR AND MAKE-UP: HAYLEY MCGREAL
If I could change the world, I would focus on parity
of esteem between mental and physical health. Those
articles where a celebrity ‘confesses’ to depressive illness…
You don’t ‘confess’ to cancer. We can all wobble and fall
off our mentally healthy perches and that’s OK.
‘The Skeleton Cupboard’ (Pan, £8.99), Tanya Byron’s account of the years
of her training as a clinical psychologist, is out now in paperback
 Great
expectations
[ sOCIETY ]
Do you ever find yourself confounded by how your
expectations of others don’t match up with the reality?
Eleanor Tucker explores our unconscious assumptions: where they come
from, what they mean – and how we can manage them
A
few years ago, an old
friend of mine, Alice,
told me some exciting
news – she’d got a job
working for the same
company as me. I was as delighted as
her; we got on well socially, so I couldn’t
see a downside to her being in the same
office, especially as she’d be in a differ-
ent department.
On her first day, we headed off to
lunch together and I gave her the low-
down on the best sandwich shops. On
the second day, she went out with the
two women who sat near her instead,
but we hooked up for a trip to the coffee
shop in the afternoon. On day three, I
didn’t see her at all. And that was that.
From then on, she just waved at me if we
happened to be entering the building at
the same time. I was disappointed; I
enjoyed spending time with her and was
looking forward to having someone to
38 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
photographs Luke j albert
talk to at work who knew me in other
contexts too. The fact is, I expected
more from her, and I couldn’t help but
take it personally. But I didn’t want to
mention it, for fear of coming across as
a bit desperate or needy.
The majority
of human beings
fail to look at
things from the
other person’s
perspective”
Looking back, it occurred to me that
the problem was perhaps mine. Were
my expectations of her too high? I
asked media psychologist Emma
Kenny for her opinion. ‘Expectations
exist because we are brought up with
an egocentric perspective,’ she
explains. ‘It’s about survival; in some
ways, high expectations are protective
as we are less likely to encounter
destructive or abusive relationships
with such an attitude. But the level of
expectation in a relationship can mean
the difference between sink or swim.’
Seeing things differently
In the case of Alice, Kenny explained
that I needed to be realistic and think
about her world, not just my own. ‘The
majority of human beings fail to look
at things from the other person’s per-
spective and this leads to personalis-
ing and internalising when friends or
partners fail us. Instead, if we actually
look at what’s going on in their lives
and explore the pressures they are fac-
ing, we can de-escalate our difficult
feelings and find ourselves in a more
supportive context.’
 love

J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 39
society
Kenny was right because, after
brooding for about six weeks, I man-
aged to broach the subject with Alice
on a work night out, full of Dutch cour-
age (OK, Italian, we were drinking
Prosecco). And it turned out, she had
deliberately given me a wide berth
because she hadn’t wanted to ‘muscle
in’ on my established group of work
friends, fearing she would cramp my
style. I couldn’t believe how wrongly
I’d read the situation.
This got me thinking about expec-
tations. Where do they come from?
And what do they say not only about
the relationships we have with our
friends, partners and parents, but
about ourselves? I decided to ask
around to find out what expectations
we have – and how we feel when
they’re not met.
Present danger
Travel writer Cathy Winston told me
how, when she first started going out
with her now-husband, he always
made a big fuss about how good he was
at buying presents. ‘It was Christmas
and I had put a huge amount of thought
into something really personal for
him, while he kept giving me knowing
little smiles. Then, on Christmas
morning, he gave me a voucher for a
massage. I was so taken aback, I said
out loud, “Is that it?”’
What Cathy struggled with was the
fact that, for her, the perfect present is
something special that has had a lot of
time and thought invested in it and
demonstrates that someone knows
you really well. ‘Although I do enjoy a
massage, it felt like a spur-of-the-
moment gift that could have been for
anyone – even if that wasn’t true.
What I expected from him was some-
thing that really showed we had a con-
nection, not something I saw as
generic. That’s why I felt so let down.’
Alexia Leachman, life coach and
part of the Head Trash team, thinks
40 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
that when we are affected like this by
expectations, it’s because of how we
choose to interpret what’s happened.
‘It’s common in relationships. If our
other half gets us a practical birthday
present, like a new set of saucepans,
instead of a nice piece of jewellery, we
immediately assume that they don’t
love us. Whereas, in their head, they
might be thinking, “She likes cooking
and she’s always talking about how
rubbish our saucepans are. I’ll get her
a new set, she’ll love that.” They are
thinking about your needs and what
would make your life better – so it’s
the interpretation that’s causing the
issue. Once we focus on what we are
grateful for – a fabulous new set of
When we calmly
and constructively
communicate what
our expectations
and desires are, to
a friend, partner or
parent, we can be
pleasantly surprised”
saucepans and a partner who has rec-
ognised your love of cooking – the lack
of jewellery becomes less relevant.’
What about our parents? As author
Harper Lee wrote: ‘You can choose
your friends, but you sho’ can’t choose
your family.’ She should have added
that you can, however, manage your
expectations of them to make life a lit-
tle easier (although To Kill A Mocking-
bird wasn’t a self-help book). An
ex-colleague of mine, Laura, knows all
about this. At her 40th birthday party,
her mother said she wanted to make a
speech. Laura couldn’t wait to hear it,
and was ready to witness an outpour-
ing of how proud her mother was, with
some amusing anecdotes thrown in to
balance out the raw emotion. ‘But
instead, her mother stood up, thanked
the caterers, asked who owned the
Audi blocking the entrance, then
wished Laura happy birthday, almost as
an afterthought. She was devastated.’
Getting vocal
This is a familiar scenario to Kenny.
‘High expectations of our parents are
rife in the generation that was brought
up in the 1960s and 1970s. Our parents
saw their job as looking after us. But
we want more – for them to be vocal
about their feelings. The problem is
that they never had this from their
own parents. We need a dialogue that
we might not necessarily get, because
they’re just not used to it.’
So if expectations are so crucial to
the success of our relationships, how
can we manage them better? Kenny
suggests a reality check. ‘This involves
being honest about what we put into
relationships, as we often have unre-
alistic beliefs about what another per-
son can do for us. Communicating our
needs is also key – and unfortunately,
most of us do this when we are in a
reactive state. When we calmly and
constructively communicate what
our expectations and desires are,
whether it’s to a friend, partner or par-
ent, we can be pleasantly surprised.’
Alice and I had a reconciliatory
sandwich the day after our drunken
chat (which I should now perhaps call
a ‘reactive state’), and we were firm
work friends until I went on maternity
leave the following year. But looking
back, I wish I’d thought more about my
expectations. As Kenny says, ‘Remem-
ber that everyone is doing the best
they can and nobody is setting out to
fail you. When you start to think like
that, things get a lot easier.’
For more on Emma Kenny, see ekenny.co.uk; for
Cathy Winston’s writing, see mummytravels.com;
for more on Head Trash, see headtrash.co.uk
 love

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 41
42 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 1 5
Stop, look
[
and listen
FAMILY ] What happens when we really listen to someone? And how can
we let them express their wishes and fears? Andreas Loizou talks
about being a good son – and a good listener – for Father’s Day
photographs victoria birkinshaw

W
hile opening a and a million acquaintances, he mind you – a language that I speak
bottle of wine couldn’t say a single word. really, really badly. Sure, I could
to celebrate my After three long weeks – and translate ‘I’m hungry’ or ‘get me some
daughter finally with tremendous care and skill from water’. But my lack of Greek, coupled
getting out of the NHS – my dad uttered his first with his slurred voice and damaged
nappies, I got the call no son wants faltering words. In his native Greek, memory, made his more complicated
to get. It was my sister, Christie. ‘It’s demands impossible to understand.

Dad,’ she said. ‘He’s had a slight fall.’
I got from Madrid to Margate in
seven hours. It was clear the ‘slight
fall’ had been a stroke, and that
the stroke had been massive. The
left-hand side of my dad’s body was
frozen, and his eyes boggled up at the
hospital ceiling. What was worse, for
a man with a thousand close friends
My dad uttered
I’d shrug my shoulders to show him
I didn’t get it, but this only agitated
his first faltering him more. He’d shake his head and
words. In his native pull at the adult romper suit issued
to him by the hospital trust.
Greek, mind you Weeks turned into months, and
– a language I speak Dad moved through the stroke ward,
to the recovery unit, the excellent
really, really badly” rehab centre and finally, the care >>>

J A N UJ A
UR Y 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 43
LY
 family
>>> home. I held his hand and fed him
mashed-up chicken and ham pies.
When Christie, a nurse and
instinctive carer, couldn’t be with
him, I even changed his nappies. I
thought the bringing-up-toddler stage
was over for me. How wrong I was.
Home visits became an exercise in
logistics. Would the wheelchair taxi
turn up and what time did he need
to be back for his bath? Docile and
content, he’d still answer the
questions on University Challenge,
but always with the same phrase.
‘Pitzama-agapimou,’ he would shout;
a string of vowels and syllables
recognisable in no known language.
Well, certainly no language that I
knew. The incomprehensible sound
was always accompanied by a frantic
tugging on the collar of his shirt.
It’s all Greek
I called his brothers in Cyprus and my
cousins in Greenford, London, to see
if they knew what he was saying from
their knowledge of Greek. They
couldn’t help me. ‘It’s never too late to
start taking lessons,’ said my auntie
Anna, giving me a number of a Greek
school in north London that was sure
to have shut in the 1990s. ‘Or to start
going to church, for that matter.’
Between hospital and home visits, I
researched my next book on business
communications. I interviewed
rapid-fire forensic linguists from New
York and drank Lapsang Souchong
in oak-panelled Cambridge colleges.
My notebooks filled with the latest
thinking on influence and empathy.
‘What’s that noise?’ said one world-
renowned psychologist during a
phonecall from Seville.
‘It’s my dad smashing his Zimmer
frame on the dining room table.’ He
was still a strong man, even at 93.
‘Don’t worry, we’re used to it now.’
‘I see. What on earth does “pitzama-
agapimou” mean?’
44 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
Once you
breathe like a
listener, you will
listen with greater
attention and
feel less need to
interrupt whoever
you’re listening to”
‘He shouts it out when he’s bored.
Or frustrated. Or hungry. I think.’
I had a brainwave. Perhaps I could
test these experts (and their theories)
with my dad. Everyone’s first listening
tip was to give your undivided
attention to the speaker. It was hard
to concentrate with The White Cliffs
of Dover booming out of the karaoke
machine in the care-home canteen.
But I made a concerted effort to avoid
fussing around him as he spoke to me.
I stopped untangling his braces and
just sat down next to him on the
hydraulic bed. I held his hand, feeling
the groove where his Tom Thumb
cigarillos once rested. He turned
around, looked at me and tugged at
his vest. ‘Pitzama-agapimou.’
I was, obviously, none the wiser. So
I followed with tip number two, which
was changing my breathing to put me
in a listening state. This begins with a
conscious effort to breathe deeper and
more slowly. Think of the in-and-out
breath at the end of a particularly
vigorous Vinyasa flow yoga class.
Body language is cleverer than us.
Once you breathe like a listener, you
will listen with greater attention and
feel less need to interrupt whoever
you’re listening to. You’ll immediately
be more receptive to another person’s
words. When a speaker realises you’re
listening, they’ll tell you more. A feisty
banker may confess – after years of
all-nighters – that’s she’s bored and
hates all her clients. Mr Macho may
offload the baggage he’s been keeping
inside since you first met.
My dad pointed at me and repeated
his mysterious mantra. ‘Pitzama-
agapimou.’ The penny dropped. I
finally got it, or at least I got the second
half of it: agapi mou. My eyes filled
with tears. My dad was saying in
Greek that he loved me.
But still, I couldn’t work out the
first half. The seconds seemed like
hours and work stress magnified the
sense of the clock ticking. Deadlines
for pitches and proposals zoomed
towards me like torpedoes. Once I
would have screamed, ‘Get to the
point!’, but instead, I made a point of
resting my hands on my stomach, and
feeling the calming air entering and
leaving, entering and leaving.
Making a connection
I remembered what one relationship
guru from New York had once told me.
If you can concentrate fully and give
someone your complete attention,
even for a single minute, you can make
a connection. And if you’re honest
enough to ask them for help, people
will invariably give it to you.
‘Dad,’ I said. ‘I don’t understand.
What do you mean?’ And that was the
moment the light switched on in my
dad’s eyes. ‘Son. I love you,’ he said. He
spoke in that Greek-Cockney accent of
his that I never thought I’d hear again.
‘And can you bring in the striped
pyjamas that your sister Christie
bought me for Christmas?’
That was it. No great revelations;
no portentous final words. All he’d
been trying to tell me, for the last nine
months, was that he wanted his
favourite pyjamas.
Andreas Loizou is a writer, finance
expert and author of ‘The Devil’sDeal’
(Pearson, £14.99).
 three steps to better listening
1 Mirroring
It’s a given fact that people judge us
– positively and negatively – by our
posture. What’s less known is that we
can consciously alter our body language
to build rapport with a speaker. Mirroring
is a simple technique. My dad put his left
hand up to his forehead, so I did the
same. He looked through the window at
the daffodils and my gaze followed his.
This isn’t about ‘apeing’ the person
opposite you; it’s about showing that
you’re connected to them. Don’t overuse
mirroring, though. It can turn into
copying, which is never a good look in
an adult conversation.
2 Ask questions…
In our personal lives, smart
questions strengthen our relationships.
In a work situation, questions can help
to reduce mistakes, clear up any
misunderstandings and build rapport.
It’s good to actively encourage
colleagues to express themselves. You
may be in a rush to get the budget
meeting done and dusted, and go and
get that well-earned cup of coffee, but a
minute spent asking, ‘How do you feel?’
or, ‘What do you think about that?’ will
always be rewarding. People will be
more open to you because you’ve shown
empathy towards them.
3 …and listen
to answers
The average person speaks at 150
words a minute, but listens at 450
words a minute. So we have spare brain
capacity during any conversation. This
is why we can often drift off and think
about our to-do lists and holiday plans,
when we should actually be paying
attention to the fire drill.
We are all busy and it’s easy to get
distracted, so try this. When people are
talking about themselves, really listen to
their answers. Don’t judge the speaker
or their words. Don’t focus on your need
to reply. Just listen.
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 45
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J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 47
 “Start a
love affair
[ TREND ]
Mindfulness is moving off the meditation cushion and coming
to a street near you. Suzy Greaves and Anita Chaudhuri
explore new ways to create a mindful life
L
ast Saturday night, I fell in
love. A handsome man
stood at the front of the
room and urged me to stop
living in my head and fall
passionately in love. He looked like Har-
rison Ford and, for a woman who had a
crush on both Indiana Jones and Han
Solo for many years, I had to sit on my
hands in case I shouted out: ‘I will, I
will!’ But he wasn’t encouraging me to
fall in love with him. ‘It’s time to start a
love affair with life,’ he commanded.
Words of wisdom
I was in the front row of a sold-out
School of Life event with 1,000 people
there to see Jon Kabat-Zinn, the man
generally thought responsible for bring-
ing the practice of mindfulness to the
West. With its roots in Buddhist medita-
tion, Kabat-Zinn was one of the first sci-
entists to study and adapt mindfulness
48 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
with life”
to create a structured course in Mind-
fulness-BasedStressReduction(MBSR).
Since its initial launch in the 1970s,
thousands of studies have documented
the physical and mental health benefits
of mindfulness in general and MBSR in
particular, inspiring countless pro-
grammes to adapt the MBSR model for
schools, prisons and hospitals – and
even in the UK parliament. It is also pre-
scribed to thousands of patients on the
NHS each year to help people deal with
anxiety, depression and stress. Plus,
there are online programmes and apps
such as Headspace, which has been
downloaded over 2 million times by
those wanting to decrease stress and
improve the quality of their lives.
So, why is mindfulness so popular?
‘Because we are literally starving for the
authentic experience of being fully
alive, but looking for it in the wrong
places. The answer lies within,’ explains
Kabat-Zinn. Mindfulness gives us the
tools to be able to do that, he says. It’s not
hard. ‘Mindfulness just means paying
attention in a particular way; in the
present moment and without judgement.’  
A way of being
Mindfulness meditation is well-known,
but it’s not something that we should
see as a practice that we do for 10 min-
utes a day before we get on with the rest
of our lives. ‘It’s a way of being,’ says Ka-
bat-Zinn. ‘It’s not really about sitting in
the lotus position, and pretending
you’re a statue in the British Museum,’
he says. ‘It’s about living your life as if it
really matters, moment by moment by
moment by moment.’
illustrations: corbis
So how do we start to bring it into our
everyday lives? Here, our associate edi-
tor Anita Chaudhuri explores the new-
est trend in mindfulness that’s coming
to high street near you. >>>
 It’s a way of being. It’s not really
about sitting in the lotus position
and pretending you’re a statue…
it’s about living your life as if it
really matters, moment by moment”
J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 49
trend
The mindful high street
O
ne setback to living
more mindfully is that
daily life bombards us
with endless demands
for our attention,
particularly if you live in an urban
environment. This is where Street
Wisdom comes in. Dubbed the
University of the Street, it was set up
by leadership gurus David Pearl and
Chris Baréz-Brown two years ago
and has expanded from London to
New York, Buenos Aires, Amsterdam
and Tel Aviv. Corporate clients such
as Google have even taken the
programme in-house.
The idea is that by using the
principles of mindfulness, you
can find the answer to life’s most
pressing problems – by wandering
the streets of your home town.
So it was for this reason I turned
up at Covent Garden piazza on a
sunny Sunday morning to meet
David Micelle, a Street Wisdom
volunteer, and a dozen other intrepid
explorers. Micelle, a theatre
producer, attended a Street Wisdom
event last year and, like many others,
started to run his own free events.
The aim is to get one million people
involved by 2017.
It has to be said London’s Covent
Garden is not the most mindful place
one could choose, with its hordes
of tourists, jugglers, buskers and
human statues all vying for
attention. It soon became clear
that this is precisely the point.
‘I want you to think of a question
that you’d like to find an answer to,’
begins David. ‘Something you can
contemplate deeply, as opposed to,
“Should I have lasagne for dinner?”
Just bear that question in mind
throughout the morning.’
50 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
by Anita Chaudhuri
We start off with a series of
‘tune-ups’; five- and 10-minute
assignments. The first was simple:
notice what attracts you. We all go
off in separate directions. ‘Have you
thought of a question yet?’ a smartly
dressed woman in her 30s asks me
anxiously. I mumble something
lame about wanting to find more
connection and wander off. I spy
a young man wearing a T-shirt
emblazoned with the words ‘Wild
The simple act
of showing up to
Street Wisdom
in the first place
provided its own
answer to: where
can I find more
connection?”
Thing’. Maybe I need to take a walk
on the wild side? Then I pass a woman
carrying a bag with a Scotland logo.
Maybe I need to make more Scottish
friends. Or move back to Scotland.
Or donate to the SNP. I’m already
feeling mentally exhausted.
We report back and stage two
is simpler: slow everything down.
Again, we wander off. This time I
become aware of all five senses, a
warm breeze on my face, the savoury
smell of burgers drifting from Shake
Shack and a busker playing beautiful
violin music.
Our third assignment is: notice
patterns. Finally, I begin to really
notice the life going on behind the
crowds: a chef in a shady corner
stealing a cigarette break, a couple
in traditional Islamic dress holding
hands, the man at the cigarette kiosk
hopefully waiting for customers.
Lastly, we’re instructed to see
the beauty in the everyday. By now,
we’re getting the hang of things.
I notice a woman singing Oom
Pah-Pah to her little boy, a homeless
man, the blanket on his knees a
vibrant shade of red, then two
friends of a certain age excitedly
reading from a guidebook about
the history of Covent Garden
Market. It dawns on me that
human connection is going on
all the time right under my nose.
Lastly, David sends us off to
explore further afield and we’re
given a card with a mystery address
to reconvene for lunch in an hour’s
time. A whole hour? The strange
thing is that time suddenly seems
to fly by. I feel like I’m in that Philip
Glass film Koyaanisqatsi, where
people are moving very fast all
around me, the colours saturated,
sounds exaggerated – it’s all
positively trippy.
When we all report back later,
everyone has stories to tell. Many of
us had come with similar questions
of finding greater connection in the
city. Others were contemplating
answers to problems about where
to live, what to do for work, who to
love… you know, just the small stuff.
I’m not sure if I found the answers
I was looking for; I’m still living
the question. But in a way, the simple
act of showing up to Street Wisdom
in the first place provided its own
answer to: where can I find more
connection? For here was a ready-
made group of like-minded people
right in front of me.
For more information, see streetwisdom.org
 2 Mindfulness
and brushing
your teeth
Join our inspiring and
interactive Psychologies workshop

3
with neuroscientist and leading
mindfulness expert Dr Tamara
Russell, who presents a radical new
approach to mindfulness, showing
that you can do anything mindfully.
‘We can develop the art of
mindfulness by training in meditation,
since focusing on the breath and
body helps anchor us to the present,’
says Dr Russell. ‘However, with
mindfulness, we are not seeking

WAYS TO to empty the mind of thought,

but simply to be aware of what the

MINDFUL
mind actually does. Many everyday
experiences can be used as the

LIVING
training object when developing
mindfulness, such as walking, eating,
brushing our teeth, or even standing
in a bus queue.’
Whether it’s mindful Find out more at runriotprojects.org/mindfulness.
gardening or journalling, Book tickets for the event on 15 July at Conway
Hall in London at nowliveevents.org/events

3
discover more about how
to live more mindfully with
these events and ideas Keep a
mindfulness
journal
The Mindfulness Journal
by Corinne Sweet offers an
introduction to mindfulness and easy

1
exercises that can be done whether
you are sitting at your desk,
gardening or standing in the queue

Mindfulness and creativity

at the supermarket.
‘In today’s busy world, finding
Our events partner NOW Live Events will be championing an physical and mental space for peace
innovative blend of arts and mindfulness in Deptford Lounge and calm among the competing
in London for a community project with some of the UK’s most demands of work, family and friends
inspiring artists and thinkers. Learn how to be in the moment by painting, can be a challenge. Mindfulness is
writing poetry and dancing. a simple and powerful practice that
‘Being creative allows you to create a 3D representation of your can help you cut through the noise
thoughts,’ says NOW Live Events founder Jana Stefanovska. ‘It allows you and reclaim tranquillity, wherever
to slow down, observe your thoughts in fun ways and also lets you share you are,’ says Sweet.
them without judgement. It’s very dynamic.’ ‘The Mindfulness Journal’ by Corinne Sweet
From 6 to 11 July. For more information, see nowliveevents.org/events (Boxtree, £9.99) is out now

J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 51
Next month in
Do you feel you’re
wasting your life?
Learn how to make the
most of every minute

‘What will I be
when I grow up?’
Life advice for students
– and adults, too

‘I’m not sorry’

Viv Groskop on leaving
apologies behind

‘Let me show you

my portfolio…’
Why having multiple
careers makes sense

‘I needed to
be a mother’
Would you leave your
partner if they didn’t

Your life, your way

want children?
PHOTOGRAPH: NUNO SILVA/500PX PRIME

DON’T MISS the August issue – on sale 26 June


Making small changes to your daily routine
can have a massive impact on your children’s
“
happiness levels, says Ilona Boniwell
Teaching children
to be happy”
W
hen talking to parents,
I paraphrase a question
asked by the pioneer
of positive psychology,
Martin Seligman: ‘What would you
most want for your children?’ Most
parents answer ‘happiness’. Yet, we
often communicate to our kids that
happiness can be reached via shortcuts
such as TV, fast food and buying things.
But there are other shortcuts that really
do have an impact on our children’s
happiness. A review of up-to-date
evidence suggests that the following
five actions can make a real difference:
l Exercise Regular physical activity is
the best happiness habit you can instil.
How often do you go for a walk or a bike
ride together? Do you have family
gardening days? Discover a physical
activity you enjoy and that suits your
family’s needs. If your kids want to play
football, rugby, tennis, golf or any sport
for that matter, keep it going – even if
some persuasion might be necessary.
l Sleep People who sleep an average
of eight hours per night have better
psychological and subjective wellbeing,
fewer symptoms of depression and
PHOTOGRAPH: victoria birkinshaw
anxiety, more positive relations with
others and feel more in control of their
lives. While we are usually vigilant with
younger kids, we often let our teenagers’
bedtimes slip out of control. Personal
modelling and vigilance are key – if you
go to bed at 2am or if you let the tablet
and phone screens ‘sleep’ in your teen’s
bedroom, don’t be surprised to find
them up into the early hours.
l Smile Research has confirmed what
Darwin suggested in the 1870s; that
whether you’re furrowing your brow or
giving a big cheesy grin, showing your
emotions physically intensifies them.
Smiling is a habit, so encouraging your
children to smile when meeting people
or when joining family for dinner will
bring both immediate (for you!) and
long-term (for them!) benefits. I’ve
given up on our moody teenage boys
recently, but my husband is more
resilient. His slightly mocking: ‘Hello
Andrew, it’s nice to see you tonight,
hope you are happy to see us as well’,
seems to produce the desired effect!
l Relate Connecting with people
around us is the basis of our happiness.
One of the fundamental characteristics
of humanity is the need to belong.
When this need is satisfied, we feel
positive emotions, while long-lasting
periods of loneliness can bring us down.
So, how do you transmit this to your
kids? And do you actually need to do
anything, given that they spend time
with their friends already? Yes, you do,
because although friends are important
during teenagehood, having just one
kind of relationship can make young
people vulnerable. Recognising and
supporting healthy relationships is
central to improving young people’s
THE LIFE LAB } family
Dr Ilona Boniwell is course
leader for the new International MSc
in Applied Positive Psychology at
Anglia Ruskin University. She lives with
her husband, their toddler and four
teenagers from previous marriages
Got a QUESTION for Ilona? Email
ilona@psychologies.co.uk, with
‘ILONA’ in the subject line
physical and mental health. A parent’s
role is to support and encourage a wide
range of relationships – with family,
teachers, role-models, neighbours and
others in the local community.
l Appreciate Appreciating the little
things that go well is one of the
simplest, but most effective, means to
increase our happiness. At the end of
each day, you could ask your children
to talk about three good things that
happened. These can be significant
or relatively unimportant events.
Next month, we discuss more
techniques to encourage happiness.
More inspiration
Read: about teaching happiness
skills, Seligman, M. et al. ‘Positive
Education: positive psychology
and classroom interventions’;
ppc.sas.upenn.edu/positive
educationarticle2009.pdf
Learn: about positive psychology
by taking an MSc in Applied Positive
Psychology at the Anglia Ruskin
University; anglia.ac.uk/imapp
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 53
 “I was intrigued by the concept of Packtypes from the start and the more I learned, the more excited
I became and my excitement spread to those around me as I shared this ingenuous concept with
friends, family and clients.
You can take the cards anywhere - into the workplace, at home with the family, out for an evening
with friends and simply have fun discovering more about yourself and others around you. Packtypes
has strengthened and empowered me and I promise you; Packtypes can definitely transform your life.”
Sarah-Jane Johnson, Counsellor

“I couldn’t possibly have imagined how successful Packtypes would be. I am continually being asked
to provide additional Packtypes Cards and Books to new teams across the business. Packtypes is
filtering deep into our language and culture and has started to reshape the way we think and talk
about developing people across Asda.”
Owen Hickey, Senior Manager, Culture Development, Asda

“There is no better feeling than when someone ‘completely gets you’ using Packtypes; you feel
properly understood. The look on someone’s face whilst playing Packtypes is priceless, people feel
totally inspired, yet are still curious to learn more about themselves; it’s outstanding.
Playing Packtypes has led to conversations that wouldn’t ordinarily happen. People are happier to
express their feelings openly and talk about issues. We are more motivated, have a greater sense
of purpose. We are also more open to listening and curious and willing to learn from the way other
people perceive us. The overall effect is a huge boost to confidence.”
Hannah Bell, Detective Sergeant, Durham Constabulary

“Because of Packtypes, I’ve had some of my best, most helpful conversations with my
family. Better than any conversations that happened as a result of other profiling tools, or
even therapy. Packtypes has helped me learn about myself and my impact on others in a
way that is fun, unintimidating and transformative.
It provides a positive framework for conversations, whether at home or at work, making
them easy to have. Packtypes allows you to take on board others’ feedback about you in a
way you can use to improve your relationships on an ongoing basis.”
Suzy Bashford, Director, Little Miss Copyright

“Packtypes may seem different and even a bit wacky, but trust me; the insight and
impact Packtypes delivers is truly profound. You see things more clearly and make
better decisions and choices. My advice is to have a play. If you don’t, you may miss
out on some very fulfilling personal experiences.”
David Coaché, Headteacher

Find out more... 01386 832 844 | info@packtypes.com | www.packtypes.com

 THE LIFE LAB } experiment

LOV E

Will you decide or slide?

Every month, Sarah Abell invites you to try a 30-day experiment to improve your love life

1 THE PROJECT
What would you say marks the start
of a committed relationship? Is it
A) leaving a toothbrush at your partner’s
home B) changing your Facebook status
or C) having ‘the talk’ where you both agree
the relationship is now serious?
If you chose C, your relationship is more
likely to stand the test of time, according to
research. Couples who intentionally define
their relationship are more likely to have
better relationship success than those who
slide into major relationship transitions.

2 THE AIM
If you want to improve your
chances of keeping love alive for
the long-term, be intentional about the
decisions you make together as a couple.

3 THE THEORY
Researchers at the University of
Virginia sought to find out how
much the experiences someone has or does
not have with their spouse before marriage
NOW TRY IT OUT
The study highlighted the importance of talking through
decisions and being intentional about them. Your love challenge
this month is to be intentional and decisive.
PREMARITAL EXPERIENCES HAVE TO DO WITH MARITAL QUALITY AMONG TODAY’S YOUNG
ILLUSTRATION: ROSE BLAKE/CENTRAL ILLUSTRATION AGENCY. *‘BEFORE “I DO” WHAT DO

affects the quality of their relationship.* ● Single? For those who are single, but interested in someone,
They got data from 418 married couples be bold and ask them out on a date.
ADULTS?’ GALENA K. RHOADES AND SCOTT M. STANLEY, UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA

who’d been interviewed as singles seven
years before.
In the study, the couples were asked if
they ‘slid’ into cohabitation before marriage
or made a decision about it. The more they
categorised the move as a decision, the
greater their marriage quality later on.
By making a conscious decision, you’re
more likely to be committed to following
through, says one of the report’s authors,
Scott Stanley. ‘Sliding through life-altering
transitions leads to a worse outcome,’ he says.
● Dating? Define your relationship and share your expectations
of what you want from it. Do you just want a fling or are you
looking for commitment? Is it OK to date other people?
● Cohabiting? Clarify the level of commitment in the relationship.
Are you just sharing a bed or does this mean something more?
Would either of you like to get married or are you happy not to?
● Long-term? If you are married or in a long-term, committed
relationship, talk through some ‘us’ decisions with your partner,
like booking a holiday, having a baby, issues around children,
or your next five-year plan.
SARAH ABELL is an author, speaker and relationships coach.
Find out more at nakedhedgehogs.com

JOIN US! ARE YOU A DECIDER OR A SLIDER? TELL US AT FACEBOOK.COM/PSYCHOLOGIES OR ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 55
The Anholts in
Laurence’s studio.
The blue portrait
is of their daughter,
Maddy. The paintings
on the easel are
about Vincent Van
Gogh for Laurence’s
series of children’s
books about artists
 my home

‘We have orchards

full of wildflowers
overlooking the valley’

The couple’s ‘upside

down’ home, Sunflower
House, is filled with
colour, reflected in
‘We often paint late into
Catherine’s art palette the evening. You have to

“
wait for intuition to arise’

You have to allow

each other freedom”
Author-illustrators Catherine and Laurence Anholt do things as a team, both
at work and at play in their happy, welcoming, ‘upside down’ home in Devon
WORDS OLIVIA GORDON PHOTOGR APHS ALUN CALLENDAR

IF SIMPLY WALKING into a house can
change how you feel, Sunflower House
is one of those rare homes that makes
you feel amazing.
Overlooking the Axe Estuary on
Devon’s Jurassic Coast, this is the home
of Catherine and Laurence Anholt,
author-illustrators of hundreds of
children’s picture books. Their home
appears tailor-made to inspire art and
creativity on a day-to-day basis: the
views, the studios, the open-plan, light
structure of the house, and the art
covering every wall all combine to make
anyone within its grounds simply itch
to pick up a paintbrush.
Catherine and Laurence start every
day with an hour-long walk that takes
them through an unspoilt forest. On a
summer day, the five acres surrounding
the house are buzzing with wildlife,
sweet scents and the baa-ing of sheep,
and in the hive, bees are busy making
honey. Tame deer come right up to the
house – ‘They sense they’re safe here,’
says Laurence – and the fields and
orchards are full of woodpeckers,
badgers, rabbits and buzzards.
Taking up nearly the whole upper
floor is a jaw-dropping, open-plan
living space – Catherine and Laurence
decided, on buying the house five years
ago, to make it ‘upside down’, as the
views from this floor are so special.
When they first saw Sunflower House,
it was about to be demolished and
replaced with ‘executive homes’.
Despite being Good Housekeeping’s
Home of the Year when it was built in
1931, it was in appalling condition, with
the top floor a narrow, dark corridor
branching off into tiny unused rooms. >>>

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 57
my home

‘In our work, sometimes extraordinary

ideas can come from two good ideas put
together. The key is not trying too hard’

ABOVE: The open-

plan, double-height
kitchen leads to a
sun-trap terrace
where the couple
love to sit and gaze
out across the
estuary. LEFT: Every
wall of the couple’s
home is filled with
paintings as well as
photos of their three
children and special
family memories

‘My paintings are a door into my world. They’re
all about fertility, being a mother – my life’
Having rescued the house from
developers, the Anholts set about a
dramatic eco-friendly renovation, and
did most of the work themselves on a
modest budget. Today, this is a home
that sends the eye spinning 360 degrees,
taking in the double-height roof, the
platform dining area, the sun-flooded
balcony off the kitchen overlooking
wildflowers, and Laurence’s hand-built
curvy wooden staircase.
The pair are an inspiring example of
how a couple can join talents and build
a hugely successful career together,
working freelance from home. Having
met at 18 as penniless students, they’ve
been working together as a wife-and-
husband team for more than 30 years,
as well as alongside each other on their
own projects (Catherine and Laurence
both do writing and illustration).
They work harmoniously together in
a regular and structured way. After
their morning walk, Laurence
meditates for half an hour and they
retreat to their separate studios on the
ground floor, rejoining for meals. They
can work late into the evening, or take
time out – Catherine loves to garden,
while Laurence cycles or does DIY. At
night, they sleep with the curtains open
– as Catherine says, ‘There’s no-one to
look in the windows. Last night a comet
came over the house.’
Sometimes they sit together to
brainstorm ideas, sharing a big piece of
paper and two pens. ‘You have to allow
each other freedom and bravery to put
TOP LEFT: Catherine
in her art studio.
ABOVE: The cosy
sitting room links
the couple’s two
studios and is often
a meeting point
when they need a
break from work.
LEFT: The Anholts
have created more
than 200 children’s
books, which have
been published in
30 languages
it all down,’ Catherine says. Another
strategy they often use is to write ideas
on scraps of paper and put them in a
box, then dig in and put two random
ideas together – Laurence believes that,
‘sometimes extraordinary ideas come
from two good ideas together.’
They started their children’s books
inspired by family life with their own
three children in the 1980s – today, the
grown-up children love to come and
stay. And it’s easy to understand why
Catherine and Laurence plan to live
and work at Sunflower House forever.
Laurence Anholt’s first full-length novel,
‘The Hypnotist’, will be published by Penguin
Random House in January 2016. Find out
more about the Anholts at anholt.co.uk
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 59
 Leap
[
forward
self ]
Feeling stuck? Sometimes all it takes to move forward, even
take gentle baby steps, is an encouraging word in your ear.
Suzy Greaves introduces coach and mentor Dr Sam Collins, who offers
seven simple pieces of wisdom to help you move to the next level

B
eing editor of Psychologies, business from scratch – as you do! As positive impact on the lives of one mil-
I am passionate about well as that, she has been named one of lion women and girls since its creation
championing and encour- the Top 200 Women to Impact Busi- in 2010, with a goal of helping one bil-
aging women to be all ness and Industry by the Queen and is lion women and girls by 2020.
they can be. That’s why I a global voice on women as leaders in How does she plan to achieve that?
love Dr Sam Collins – coach, mentor By providing manageable, concrete
and CEO of leadership company ways for women to make a real differ-
Aspire and author of new book Radio Whatever your ence with mentoring programmes
Heaven: One Woman’s Journey to
social background, that match women who work in chari-
photograph: patrick mccarthy/gallerystock

Grace (Motivational Press, £13). She’s ties, non-profits, social enterprises

a woman who walks her talk and
inspires from the front.
At 21, Sam had her world turned
upside down when her mother died.
Her life spiralled out of control and she
was mistaken for being homeless, hav-
ing passed out on a train station plat-
form. Later, fired from her dream job,
she decided to build an award-winning
celebrate who you
are and where
you come from ”
their life and work. As if that wasn’t
enough, she also runs the wonderful
Aspire Foundation, her non-profit
sister organisation, which has had a
and entrepreneurial ventures with
senior female mentors in the small
business and corporate world.
So we decided we’d ask Dr Sam to
mentor us this month – and she’s given
us seven tips to living our bravest, best
life. Plus, don’t miss the chance to be
coached by Dr Sam Collins herself
(details on page 62). >>>

60 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
 love

J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 61
 12
self
It’s OK to be a council-estate kid
Whatever your social background, age or experi-
ence, it is essential to celebrate who you are and
3
where you come from. Not recognising your true
nature is a recipe for lifelong struggle and disap-
pointment, so stop trying to fit in, give up trying
to be someone else and adapting to what other
people believe you should be. Design your own
destiny rather than waiting for your parents,
boss, partner or society to determine it for you.
Stand up to bullies
Bullies come in all shapes and sizes. They seem
4
powerful and insurmountable and fill us with
fear, but true friends offer an invincibility that no
bully can overcome. Standing up to bullies,
whether for yourself or for the rights of others, is
fundamental. Sometimes it is necessary to fight
for the rights of our children, a friend, a team, an
5
organisation or a community. The world needs
people to put their heads above the parapet and
say, ‘You are not allowed to do this.’ Find your
allies and stand up together.
Be an iron lady (not that one)
Sometimes ‘no’ is the best answer we can hear.
Questioning authority is often the key to generat-
ing breakthrough ideas, as well as creating fulfil-
ment in both work and life. Many of us get stuck
6
thinking that because someone in authority said
no, that we must automatically comply. We need
to recognise this game – that it is, in fact, a game –
then stop playing. When someone tells you no, or
that you can’t do something, look for a creative
way around obstacles in front of you, and don’t
simply give up. You may be led to new ideas and
7
achieve dreams you never thought possible.
You can do anything
We often make work, love and life choices based
on what is expected. Too many of us default to our
parents’ dreams for us, or their dreams for them-
selves, and end up in careers that do not truly play
to our strengths and passions. This may lead to
many years of unhappiness and an eventual
career crisis. If you are not doing what you love
right now – even if your dream has been lying
dormant since your schooldays – it’s time to
rethink who or what has stopped you from doing
it and decide today, what you will do about it.
62 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
Whatever will be, will be
There is a destiny out there for us all; but that
is not to say we don’t have any control over
some of it. Many of us lose our way and life
feels flat, exhausting or off-purpose. When we
find our path, life seems easier – it flows –then
help, guidance and protection appear when
they are needed.
Accepting that everything happens for a
good reason is an important part of our
growth. The fact that certain events in life are
meant to be doesn’t mean simply resigning
ourselves to fate; it means that our actions are
always important in the moment, but we
should feel empowered to live life without fear
because we are never truly in control.
Make a difference outside
of work
Making a difference outside your regular work
is a fundamental element of personal fulfil-
ment and it’s part of our responsibility for
future generations. Making a difference has
varying definitions for people and too often,
we put it off for another time. We can make
a difference easily if we take the time to
research our options, find the causes we care
about and believe that each of us, in our own
small way, can have a big effect.
Know when to accelerate
and when to brake
Resilience is the ability to keep going and
bounce back quickly. There will always be
aspects of your life and work where you need
to keep your foot on the accelerator, and times
when you will need to know when to put the
brakes on a losing proposition.
The key is to be able to tune into your intui-
tion and stay away from your fears. When you
know it is the right decision for you, never,
ever give up. Tune in to why it is important to
stay motivated and surround yourself with
like-minded people who can support you and
help pick you up when you fall.
For your chance to be coached by Dr Sam Collins, send
a short email to dilemmas@psychologies.co.uk with
‘Dr Sam’ in the subject line and tell us what change you
want to create in your life. Dr Sam will video-coach you
via our LifeLabs platform on psychologies.co.uk, so you
need to be willing to be filmed and identified.
 THOUGHTS
GOOD THOUGHTS

“There’s a sunrise and sunset every day. You can choose to be

there for it. You can put yourself in the way of beauty”
CHERYL STRAYED
PHOTOGRAPH: SNAPWIRE
 How learning
Create
your own
Happiness
Club

makes us happy
[ HAPPINESS ]
Join our growing tribe of readers who are choosing
to spread joy by creating Happiness Clubs around
the world, with guidance from Psychologies and Action for Happiness.
This month, Suzy Greaves focuses on lifelong learning

T
he number of Happiness Clubs founded by
readers is 798, and is growing every month. It’s
a joy to read our Happiness Clubbers’ blogs
about their events up and down the country
and internationally. ‘The group has been truly
wonderful. I have made new friends and certainly feel hap-
pier for creating it,’ says Caroline Ley in Essex. ‘We all had a
happier month,’ says Kirsty Morgan, about her Happiness
Club in Leeds. ‘A good opportunity to connect and get to
know a few more people,’ says Haris Tzortzis in Singapore.
What’s working for me is making a monthly commitment.
No matter how busy, it’s a date I refuse to skip. Why? Well,
apart from having a fun night, I also seem to be creating ‘hap-
piness habits’, which are having a small but significant effect
on my life. Letting traffic in (part of my giving month), after-
noon tea with my friends (part of my connecting month),
walking 10,000 steps a day (part of my exercising month) and
listening to birdsong (part of my mindfulness month) are all
creating a new happier framework for my days.
In the last issue, we focused on the fourth ‘key’ to happi-
ness from Action for Happiness: noticing the world around
you. It was the perfect time of year to do this, as spring
exploded into blossom. My re-commitment to this mindful-
ness practice inspired me to write the piece on page 48, as I
tried out new different ways to be mindful, instead of sitting
on a cushion and meditating. Again, my Happiness Club is
encouraging me to go beyond my comfort zone to investigate
new practices to enhance my life.
Learn something new
This month, our focus is on learning new things. Why will this
make us happier? ‘It’s actually a core need for psychological
wellbeing. Learning can help us build confidence and a sense
of self-efficacy. It can also be a way of connecting with others
too,’ says Vanessa King, positive psychology expert at Action
for Happiness. ‘As human beings, we have a natural desire to
learn and progress. Psychologists call it mastery.’
There is evidence* to suggest that adult learning seems to
have its most positive impact on self-esteem and self-efficacy
when the learning provided meets the needs of the learner,
and when the learner is at a stage in their life when they are
ready and receptive to benefit from it. The studies suggest

64 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
 the happiness club

that positive effects of education on happiness and

wellbeing result from a variety of processes, which
What is a Happiness Club?
A book club-style gathering in your own home where
may include higher income, non-alienating work,
you invite friends along to discuss how you can put
household composition, health behaviours, use of
happiness – your own and other people’s – at the heart
health services, emotional resilience, social capabili-
of your life philosophy. With our Happiness Clubs,
ties and, among older adults, better physical health.
Psychologies and charity Action for Happiness are
‘Learning also fuels our creativity. Ideas can come
working together on a shared vision to create a
from making connections between seemingly unre-
happier and less self-centred world for everybody,
lated things,’ says King. ‘Learning something new in
with far fewer people suffering from mental health
one area of our lives can trigger ideas in another. So
problems and far more people feeling good, functioning
curiosity and creative thinking go hand-in-hand.’
well and helping others.
This can also help with creating what psychologists
call ‘flow’ or ‘being in the zone’ – when we’re so
absorbed in what we’re doing, we lose sense of time
QUESTIONS TO DISCUSS
and of ourselves. ‘It’s not passive, like when watching
AT YOUR HAPPINESS CLUB

1 4
TV – it’s active,’ explains King. When we’re in flow, the
level of challenge in the activity just exceeds our level When did you last enjoy In the past, what
of skill. We’re also getting instant feedback from the learning something new? impact has learning
activity on whether what we are trying is working, so What did you do? something new had

2
on the rest of your life, such
we can adjust what we’re doing accordingly. As our
What frustrates you as enabling you to get a better
skill increases, so does the challenge. During flow, we
most about learning job, showing you how to cook
generally don’t feel anything – so intense is our focus something new? delicious meals, or helping you

3
illustration: istock *’Learning through life: Mental Capital and Wellbeing: Making

– but afterwards we might feel a sense of deep satisfac- make new friends?

5
tion and a boost from having increased our skill or When was the last time
the most of ourselves in the 21st Century’, Government Office for Science

achieved something. ‘In some ways it’s a form of mind- you felt a sense of ‘flow’ What can you
fulness; being totally focused on the present, so we get or being ‘in the zone’ realistically commit
and what did it feel like? to learning this month?
the benefits of that, too,’ says King.

Do we have to go back to school? HOW TO SET UP YOUR

‘Lifelong learning is not just about academic studies
and formal qualifications. A fun thing to try might be a
skills swap with a friend or neighbour – do they have
knowledge you’d like to learn and vice versa? Could
you ask someone to be your gardening coach to teach
you the difference between a weed and a wallflower?’
asks King. Think about what might work for you. How
about taking up a new hobby or broadening your skills
and knowledge in an area that interests you? ‘There
are loads of free online courses, too,’ King adds. ‘It’s
never been easier to learn something new.’
HAPPINESS CLUB
Join us in our year-long happiness experiment! All the
materials you need to register and start your own
Happiness Club can be found online at: lifelabs.
psychologies.co.uk/channels/154-the-happiness-club.
Be inspired by video interviews with Mark Williamson, director
of Action for Happiness, and positive psychologist Vanessa
King, offering tips and cutting-edge research about
happiness. Plus, there’s inspiration from our Happiness
Clubbers, who are already enjoying the benefits.

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 65
 REMEMBER TO
BE PROUD

Stonehenge Trek
5 September 2015
Challenge yourself to trek 26-miles through Wiltshire’s
historic countryside dominated by the world-famous
Stonehenge. Do something incredible, join us and help
transform the lives of people affected by dementia.

alzheimers.org.uk/trekking
0330 333 0804
Alzheimer’s Society operates in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Registered charity no. 296645
 THE LIFE LAB } experiment

WOR K

Focus on the things you can control

Every month, Oliver Burkeman invites you to improve your work life

1 THE PROJECT
When you’re stressed at work, it’s
natural to respond by trying to reduce
your workload or finding ways to ‘de-stress’,
like a spa weekend. But the benefits are
short-lived. The lasting way to beat stress is
to understand how much stress results from
trying to change things beyond your control.

2 THE AIM
It’s easy to think of stress as an
external force, pressing down on you
from outside. But it’s really the result of two
things: external circumstances – your boss’s
demand for work, or a messy desk – plus your
beliefs about them. If you don’t care about
your desk, it can’t stress you. When your
beliefs are unrealistic, stress is inevitable.

3 THE THEORY
Two unrealistic beliefs are more
stress-inducing – and widespread –
than any others. The first is that it’s possible
to ‘get everything done’. But the amount you
NOW TRY IT OUT
● Practise emotional acceptance. Psychologists argue that your
own emotions are among the many things beyond your control.
Stop trying to stamp out feelings of stress with positive thinking
could do is infinite – you’ll never squeeze it – that makes things worse – and focus on taking action instead.
all in. The more honest question to ask, says ● Rephrase your to-do list. To ensure you’re only focusing on
productivity expert Greg McKeown, is: ‘which what you can control, make sure every item on your list contains
problems do I want to solve?’ Does it matter if a physical verb: ‘phone Emily’; ‘go online and look for a job’. If you
some emails don’t get fast replies? There’s no can’t find a concrete verb, that’s a sign it’s beyond your control.
correct answer; the point is that some kind of
ILLUSTRATION: ROSE BLAKE/CENTRAL ILLUSTRATION AGENCY

● Use ‘creative distraction’. Since stress depends on beliefs,

trade-off is unavoidable. So you really don’t
need to stress about getting it all done.
The second unrealistic belief is that you
can control what, in reality, you can’t. You can
control your own actions, and sometimes
thoughts, but that’s about it. If you decide that
you must change others’ behaviour, or what
they think of you, stress will result.
there’s one sure-fire way to get a break from it: fully occupy your
mind with something else. Traditionally ‘relaxing’ activities might
not be best; they leave too much attention free for worrying.
Hobbies requiring concentration – like learning an instrument
or language – might prove far more effective.
OLIVER BURKEMAN is the author of ‘The Antidote: Happiness
For People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking’ (Canongate, £8.99)

JOIN US! CAN YOU RELINQUISH CONTROL? TELL US ON FACEBOOK.COM/PSYCHOLOGIES OR ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 67
 .CO.UK
For tests, events, advice and articles to help you get more from life

EXPLORE

Body
How to best prepare
yourself for pregnancy

Life Labs
10 clues that let
you know you’re
a grown-up

Food
Spiralizer recipe: Pecan
and Carrot Almond
Butter Bars

Self
Easy ways to create a
PLUS
Take the tests
radiant mind Understand yourself better with our huge library of
Psychologies’ personality tests at psychologies.co.uk.
Love l What’s your creative style? We can all show our

The secret to healing artistic flair in different ways. Discover yours here.
l Will you be happy when you’ve reached your goal?
a broken heart
Have you plotted your course? Are you sure you will
be happy with your destination?
Wellbeing l Can you deal with life’s knocks? How do you cope
The real reason why with the surprises that life inevitably brings? Are you
you gravitate towards able to keep things in perspective or are you perhaps
that big bowl of pasta the more sensitive type?
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FOLLOW US: Twitter @PsychologiesMag ■ Facebook.com/psychologiesmagazine


“ I want to try
out new things
in bed”
If you want to make your sex life more
adventurous, but your partner doesn’t, start by
making curious conversation, says Esther Perel
M
arie, 35, came to see me.
‘I’ve been married for six
years and our sex life is
good, but very vanilla. I
was very turned on by the Fifty Shades
film and the books, and I really want
to try something new, but my husband
thinks I’m being ridiculous and seems
threatened by the idea. We end up
arguing if I ever bring it up.’
Marie explained that when she
met her husband Dan, she was more
experienced than he was. ‘I made the
mistake of telling him how many men
– and women – I’d slept with, so I think
he feels insecure. What can I do to help
him feel more confident so we can
make our sex life more exciting?’
This is a situation that many couples
grapple with in my therapy room, long
before Fifty Shades. For her, it’s how to
tell him what she likes without being
overly instructive or critical. For him,
it’s how to open up to her requests and
hear it from a place of care rather than
control. Her lament: ‘I have tried to tell
him, but he doesn’t hear me. I do things
he likes; how many times do I have to
PHOTOGRAPH: christopher lane
tell him about what I like? He doesn’t
seem to care.’ His response: ‘The
minute I do something that she doesn’t
like, she reacts so aggressively. I can’t
do anything right.’ Sound familiar?
Although Marie thinks her husband
THE LIFE LAB
is insecure, she recognises that she’s
just assuming this. He may not even
know. It’s unhealthy to mind-read, no
matter how well you think you might
know your partner. In reality, we can’t
really know if we don’t ask. We all
change over time; what used to turn us
on might become boring or even a
turn-off after a while. So it is important
to have regular check-in points with
one another and make sure you are still
feeding each other’s wants and needs.
Marie could start by talking about
their past together over the last six
years – and discuss how they have both
evolved and how they connect and
relate to each other, not just in their sex
life. Marie needs Dan to feel ‘secure’.
She could ask him if there is something
he needs from her in the sexual part
of their relationship. If she wants to
increase the chance that he listens to
her and is open and interested, then it
may be good to start with what he needs
from her in order for him to feel more
confident in the ensuing conversation.
Marie should ask him to tell her more
about new sexual experiences. What
does he think it would be like? What’s
the best and worst that could happen?  theschooloflife.com/london/
If he brings up her past sexual history,
Marie can reassure him that she chose
to marry him and that sex is only one
part of their relationship. It sounds like
} relationships
ESTHER PEREL is a psychologist,
author and speaker regarded as
one of the world’s most insightful
voices on sexuality
GOT A QUESTION FOR ESTHER?
Email esther@psychologies.co.uk,
with ‘ESTHER’ in the subject line
Dan is anxious about his performance
too, since Marie feels he experiences
feedback as criticism (and many men
do). It’s always how we give feedback
that can make a difference. When you
try something new together, neither
of you is the expert. That mindset and
approaching the whole experience as
sexy play can really make a difference. 
Now, back to Fifty Shades. Marie
should not presume that men
understand women’s erotic needs.
Women themselves can be quite
perplexed by their fantasies. So, talking
about what turns you on in the plot
between Anastasia and Mr Gray would
be a good beginning.
FOR More inspiration
Check out: the marriage course
at the School of Life,
shop/a-good-marriage
Book yourselves in: the Making
Love Retreat in various locations in
Europe. See loveforcouples.com
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 69
 Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers a new
perspective on your challenges and problems
“ I’ve lost my
direction in life”
Q
I gave up my job a year
ago to travel, as I was
feeling stuck, trapped
in the routine of work
and generally very
dissatisfied. However, a year on, I still
have no idea what I want to do. I’m
currently in Australia on a working
holiday visa, struggling to make ends
meet. I can’t shake off the feeling
that I’m missing my purpose in life.
The one thing I truly feel passionate
about is dancing. It’s one of the only
things that makes me feel alive,
but not having any dance training
background, and not being good
enough, means I can’t be a dance
teacher. It frustrates me because all
my friends and family have suggested
I become a dance teacher, but all the
great ones I know have been dancing
all their lives and scorn those who
haven’t or who try to teach. Recently,
I’ve been having panic attacks too,
which I haven’t had for 10 years.
Help! Stephanie
A
It sounds as if you are
looking for answers in
your head, rather than
trusting your own body. You feel alive
when you dance, the people who love
70 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
you think you would make a good
dance teacher, but the hypothetical
scorn of a few strangers puts you off.
Although you mention them last,
I’m going to start with the panic
attacks. These could be triggered by
uncertainty and money worries, but
are enough in themselves to make you
feel paralysed and stuck. I’d like you to
check what is going on with a doctor.
There is a very helpful podcast on
the NHS website that offers simple,
practical tools and perspectives,
including this gem: ‘Panicky thoughts
are like celebrities – they like
attention and they tell lies’. Top tips
include: learn to recognise your own
catastrophic thoughts; become
conscious of your breathing; and learn
physical relaxation techniques (are
your shoulders up by your ears?).
When you say that you’re missing
your purpose in life, this does sound
like an example of catastrophic
thinking. You’re leaping to the
worst-case scenario, seeking your own
evidence, which ‘proves’ it to be true,
and believing it will always be that way.
I have some specific information
from my work with the University of
Auckland. Their school of dance studies
includes therapeutic work with people
who have Alzheimer’s, dance in
Mary Fenwick is a business
coach, journalist, fundraiser,
mother, divorcée and widow
GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY?
Email mary@psychologies.co.uk,
with ‘MARY’ in the subject line
prisons, in different cultures and as a
way of rebuilding communities. The
whole point is that classical dance
suits a very narrow range of specific
body types for a short period at their
physical peak, and dance is too
fundamental a human urge to leave
in a ghetto of prescriptive perfection.
If you Google ‘dance studies’,
you’ll find similar schools in Beijing,
Aberdeen, Roehampton and a
University of Berkeley option in Brazil.
People with a dance background work
as journalists, choreographers, critics,
arts administrators and community
activists. Or you might focus on other
work that allows you to meet fellow
enthusiasts at dance retreats – I found
54 options on retreatfinder.com.
In the short term, I invite you to add
the phrase ‘at the moment’ to these
troubling thoughts. We all have times
of feeling disheartened or lacking
focus. Things will not always be like
this. Trust that the rhythm of life is
already speaking to you.

“ I’m getting married soon and I’m having doubts”
Q
My partner can be very
negative at times. She can
be quite confrontational
when we are out, when we
meet people and spend time with
friends and family, and I feel I’m
becoming negative when usually
I’m a very positive person.
I do really love my partner and
there are so many lovely things
about her that I admire. I have
briefly spoken to her about how I
feel, but she takes it very personally
and gets upset, then says, ‘Leave
me then, and go and find someone
happier and less negative’. I don’t
know what to do. Name supplied
A
I want to ask if we can put the
idea of this being a relationship
issue to one side just for a moment. If
“ I have been discarded by my ex’s family”
Q
I have a 12-year-old
daughter with my ex-
husband, who I divorced
seven years ago. I had
managed to keep a positive
relationship with my ex-husband’s
parents until recently, when they
did something that suggested they
actually don’t care about me at all.
My parents died when I was young,
so my ex’s family became my family
for almost 20 years. I find it so
photograph: victoria birkinshaw
painful that I have been discarded.
How do I move on? Alison
A
This sounds like an iceberg
issue, where the facts of
whatever specifically happened with
your in-laws are attached to a lot of
what you want is to have a lasting
relationship, in which you have a
positive influence on each other and
the people around you, then love alone
will not be enough. You also need to
have assertiveness.
That might sound a bit like a dismal
afternoon in an office, with a flipchart
and some nasty-tasting coffee, but
‘assertiveness’ is important enough to
be classified under health information
on the Bupa website – just before
‘assisted conception’.
It means being able to talk openly
about yourself, and your needs, while
respecting that the other person is
entitled to their own opinion. The aim
is clear, calm thinking and respectful
negotiation. This potentially solves any
problem, or at least clarifies precisely
what you disagree about. I’m not clear,
deep feelings below the surface.
However much it might be a cultural
fashion to complain about our in-laws
today, you have felt that yours were
connected to your own parents on
some level that may or may not have
been explicit, and this has given them
a lot of power over your happiness.
Rather than moving on, or moving
away, could you do a graceful side-step
(which may be temporary) to focus on
your daughter? You have clearly done
a wonderful job of maintaining these
connections, if your daughter was only
five when you got divorced.
That sense of continuity can often
be enormously valuable for young
children in these situations, and you
can teach your daughter that one
THE LIFE LAB } self
for instance, what you mean by ‘quite
confrontational’, and it sounds to me
as if your partner couldn’t work out
whether you were upset about just
one aspect of her behaviour, or
whether you were attacking her
as a whole person.
Some of it is as simple as the
language you choose to use – starting
with ‘I’, not ‘you’, and ‘could’ instead
of ‘must’. You might also want to do
some research on active listening, to
help defuse the situation before you
get to an ultimatum on either side,
such as, ‘If you don’t like it, leave’.
The reason I suggested putting the
idea of a relationship issue to one side
is that this is not a relationship issue,
it’s a communication issue – but if you
can’t communicate with each other,
you won’t have a relationship.
misunderstanding does not undo
20 years of goodwill.
It’s also a fashion to describe
someone you were in a relationship
with as an ‘ex’, but I don’t find that
a useful concept when children are
involved. Your daughter does not have
an ex-father, and your in-laws do not
have an ex-granddaughter.
more inspiration
Download nhs.uk/Video/Pages/
panic-attacks-podcast.aspx
Download bupa.co.uk/health-
information/directory/i/
improving-assertiveness
Read Jini Reddy’s feature on
dancing at psychologies.co.uk/
where-discover-joy-dance
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 71
THE DOSSIER

Connect
friends
with your
PHOTOGRAPHS TRUNK ARCHIVE

Is there anything better than a face-to-face

chat with friends? Can anything replace the
role that eye contact plays in storytelling, or the
easy hug goodbye after an evening of laughter?
Yet busy lives and long-distance friendships
mean we live our lives virtually, maintaining
connections through social media. But is online
interaction cutting us off from the real world?
In this month’s Dossier, we look into the
importance of face-to-face connection, discuss
why its prevalence in our lives is dwindling, and
how to cultivate it and create your own ‘village
effect’ – even if you’re starting from scratch. >>>

72 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J A
UNLYU A
20R 1Y52 0 1 4
 dossier

A friend may be
waiting behind a
stranger’s face”
Maya Angelou

J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 73
THE DOSSIER

FACE-TO-FACE CONNECTIONS
Do you stay in touch with friends over Facebook and text, but rarely
enjoy face-to-face contact? It can be harder than it seems, but
physical interaction, be it a touch on the arm or looking someone
in the eye, is more beneficial to our wellbeing than we might think.
Anita Chaudhuri investigates the benefits of the ‘village effect’

L
ike many people, I enjoy
a rich and varied social
life online. I swap pho-
tos on Pinterest, family
gossip on Facebook, and
Twitter is my preferred
arena for connecting with perfect
strangers who share my current obses-
sions with writing, photography, Paris
and Indian food.
I have made many new friends online,
some of whom I now see offline, and I
even went on a – sadly not very success-
ful – Twitter date. Frankly, I could
never really understand it when
experts began to issue dire murmur-
ings about our digital friends not being
our real friends. But then a seismic
event in my life totally shattered my
viewpoint. Six months ago, without any
premonition or life-threatening diag-
nosis, my mother died. The weeks and
months afterwards passed in a murky
fog of grief, cups of tea and endless
practical arrangements. And in the
aftermath, something pretty major
dawned on me.
In a time of deep sorrow, online
friends do not necessarily offer the
same degree of comfort that friends
who physically show up at your door
can contribute. In the blurry underwa-
ter days of grieving, what really made a
difference was a friend coming round
with home-made lasagne when I
couldn’t face cooking, or someone will-
ing to simply sit on my sofa and listen
while I ranted about the unfairness of
life. Other things that helped: the loan
of a dog and a listening ear for aimless
Saturday morning walks, beautiful
cards with supportive messages, an
impromptu glass of Merlot. And for the
first time, I realised that the experts
might be on to something.
“We’ve evolved as a
social species. To keep
our brains lubricated,
we need that little social
dance. A fist bump or
handshake will release
hormones in the brain
that alter your mood”
Susan Pinker, psychologist and
author of The Village Effect: Why Face-
To-Face Contact Matters (Atlantic
Books, £14.99), says that there are bio-
logical reasons underpinning my
recent experiences. ‘We’ve evolved as a
social species. To keep our brains lubri-
cated, we need that little social dance.
Eye contact, a pat on the arm, a hug, a
kiss on the cheek – even a fist bump or
handshake will release hormones in
the brain that alter your mood.’
MOTHERLY LOVE
Pinker cites an important recent study
by the University of Wisconsin in
which pre-teen girls were asked to
solve maths and word problems in
front of an audience – a daunting task
by anyone’s standards. Before testing
them, the researchers measured the
participants’ cortisol levels, the hor-
mone that registers stress.
The girls were then divided into four
groups. Each received a different type
of social contact from their mothers
immediately after the test: one group
had a visit, one got a phonecall, one an
encouraging text, and another group
had no communication at all.
The girls who saw their mothers in
person were the most relaxed after-
wards, as shown by the biggest drop in
their cortisol levels. A spike in oxytocin,
often called the ‘cuddle chemical’,
showed they felt reassured. The same
impact, though not as strong, was
shown in the girls who received the
phone calls. But a text had no impact;
there were no physiological signs that
the participants felt less anxiety than
they had before. Indeed, their hormone
levels were indistinguishable from the
girls who had no contact at all. >>>

74 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 75
 dossier

>>>

76 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E M A R C H 2 0 1 5
 THE dossier

‘Historically, women have always less for us to be part of, as we try to follows: ‘The online life lets us hide in
cultivated a strong relationship with shore up a thicker, less personal, more plain sight. We can present ourselves
their inner core group; our intimate lively sense of inclusion.’ as we wish to be. We can edit and
close buddies. Statistics show that in Social connection is vital, and not retouch our words. We find it easier to
the last 40 years, the number of people just for extroverts – introverts need it be there for other people, because we
in our inner core has declined. We used just as much. ‘There are nuances and can titrate their emotional demands by
to have three friends we could lean on differences between personality types, keeping them on the screen.’ Turkle
in times of trouble, and now we have of course. Introverts need a bit less con- calls this the Goldilocks Effect. ‘You
two or fewer. In the meantime, the tact and an escape hatch; some kind of can have your friendships at the tem-
number of Facebook friends we have is control over how much contact they perature you want to have them – not
going up and up. But there is a differ- have. But it would be wrong to think too close, not too distant, just right.
ence between those two groups.’ “I’m an introvert, so I don’t need this”,’ And when you want to end things, it can
explains Pinker. usually happen without penalty from
middle ground family or community.’
Pinker believes that all this is putting Pinker agrees that it can be helpful to
us at risk of greater social isolation. ‘We “In the real world, you remind ourselves of this. ‘In the real
actually need social capital for our sur- would have a different world, you would have a different way of
vival; to have people who care enough speaking to your boss than to your
to check up on us. Also, as we go through
way of speaking to your mother or your partner. That is lost on
the minutiae of our day, we meet fewer boss than to your social media, where it becomes the
people that we haven’t chosen to inter- mother. That is lost on same voice addressing everyone.’
act with – those casual conversations social media, where it Although social media has undoubt-
with the newsagent or your neighbour edly given us more ways to connect
that are actually very important to our becomes the same voice with each other than ever before,
physical and psychological health. addressing everyone” Pinker suggests that we need to learn
Believe it or not, it’s important to your how to make it work for us. ‘There is
psyche to have that dependable “mid- this illusion that because we have
dle layer” of social contact.’ But why exactly does it have to be increased contacts on social media
It is this ‘middle layer’ that fascinates face-to-face contact rather than platforms, we have more social con-
Emily White, author of Count Me In: online? ‘There is something in voice-to- tacts overall. But research says we’re
How I Stepped Off the Sidelines, Created voice contact that carries emotional getting more isolated and lonelier.
Connection and Built A Fuller, Richer, triggers,’ says Pinker. ‘The little pauses, Relationships are transitory and unless
More Lived-in Life (McClelland & the expression in your voice, the emo- you renew them face-to-face, they’re
Stewart, £32.95). ‘It’s not an altogether tion you show in how you modulate not going to thrive.’
new theory. In 2000, Harvard aca- your voice. All those contain signals Certainly this is borne out by a report
demic Robert Putnam explored similar that the other person can pick up on, by the Mental Health Foundation enti-
territory in his book Bowling Alone and that is absent from text-based com- tled The Lonely Society?, which found
[Simon & Schuster, £10.99], in which he munication, which is not great for that loneliness in the UK peaks among
stressed both breadth and depth in building a human relationship.’ those aged 18 to 34, the Facebook gen-
relationships. By this, he meant that we eration, with 36 per cent saying they
need close intimate ties as well as being real worry about feeling lonely, compared
steady ties that are broader and more There is another issue at play here as with only 17 per cent of over-55s. In
casual, and that don’t depend on deep well though. Online, we’re not always America, the situation has become
conversation or intense sharing. And dealing with authentic communication. most acute for those aged between 45
he asserted that these broader ties are Writing in The New York Times, Sherry and 49 – a third of people in this age
disappearing,’ says White. Turkle, psychologist and author of group recently admitted they felt they
‘ W hat I discovered in my own Alone Together: Why We Expect More had no-one to confide in at all.
research,’ she continues, ‘is that nowa- From Technology And Less From Each ‘Social media is great for keeping the
days, there’s less for us to belong to and Other (Basic Books, £11.99), put it as connection there, but unless you see >>>

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 77
>>> the person, that friendship is going to
disappear. You have a window of
between 18 months and four years to
keep it alive. Think of it like a plant in
your garden; you can’t just assume it’s
going to survive on its own.’
To illustrate the point, Pinker cites
an example from her own life. ‘I had a
neighbour who was from France. We
began to take dog walks together. My
work is often solitary, but she needed
to make friends. We developed a rou-
tine of walking every Thursday morn-
ing. It was delightful – we developed a
nice relationship and I lost five pounds!
Then she moved back to France and the
relationship died. Yes, maybe we could
have kept it up by Skype, but it wouldn’t
be the same. Close proximity is what
fostered that relationship and, once
she was no longer a neighbour, it fell
away completely.’
making friends
So if we can’t rely on social media, how
might we go about creating and nurtur-
ing new friendships? Emily White has
explored several strategies for doing
this. Finding herself back in her native
Toronto after a long absence, and newly
single, she started from scratch. ‘At the
time, I really felt the need to rebuild my
social networks. I was looking for a
sense of community and didn’t know
where to start. Although I was back in
my home city, I felt estranged. What I
discovered, and what I think other peo-
ple need to realise, is that we underes-
timate the extent to which you need to
show up and put the work in. Especially
in an age of instant communication, we
like connection to be there right away,
and if it’s not, we get demoralised.’
White embarked on an 18-month
‘connection challenge’. What she dis-
covered was that if you make close ties
to people in a group, it can have a pro-
found impact on your wellbeing and
sense of belonging, even when you’re
78 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
“Although I was back
in my home city, I felt
estranged. What I
discovered is that we
underestimate the
extent to which you
need to show up and
put the work in”
not attending the group. ‘You internal-
ise those social ties and it can be so
reassuring. If you have a bad day or a
bad week, knowing that you have a get-
together coming up is incredibly reas-
suring, even if it’s a few days away. It
gives you a resource to draw on when
you’re feeling stressed out or alone.’
The fact that finding them hadn’t
been immediate or easy made White
realise that she’d actually been looking
build your own village
Susan Pinker on creating ties
The term ‘village’ is a metaphor and
you can create your own no matter
where you live. Schedule regular social
contact with the people who matter to
you: a weekly dinner, Saturday brunch
or book group. It takes effort, but
establishing a social routine is worth it.
l Even if you only go along to events
every couple of weeks, what you’re
aiming for is a sense of belonging,
accountability, or a phonecall to ask
where you are if you don’t show up.
l Don’t use a lack of social skills as a
reason not to connect. Social skills are
generally very tricky to pick up; most
people have to learn them initially and
then practise them.
l If you’re shy, find an activity that
makes you feel like part of something
for a shortcut. ‘I started out by telling
myself that I wanted to meet other
people who were like me, but in the end
I realised that what I really wanted
was a sense of shared values. That’s
what a lot of us are looking for when it
comes to a sense of belonging. And
we’re not wrong in wanting it; a sense
of shared values is probably a pre-
condition for fitting in.’
Sherry Turkle believes that the
secret of building successful connec-
tions in the 21st-century digital age
relies on understanding the limita-
tions of social media. ‘Online, we can
have attachments that are exciting and
interesting. But part of appreciating
their reality is understanding what
they can’t bring us. Now that we’ve met
a technology that allows us to live an
edited life, we may come to appreciate
that the unedited life is the one that is
actually worth living .’
bigger than you; anything with a
common cause or goal, like fundraising,
for example, or a community garden.
l Don’t forget the ‘middle layer’ – the
so-called ‘idle chit-chat’ with people you
run into during your day is actually very
important, as it exposes you to new
ideas, information and connections.
l If you’re considering moving home,
don’t just look at parking or storage
space. Check out if there are cafés,
parks, a community centre and a
friendly vibe. It sounds obvious, but how
many of us actually bother to do this?
l Remember, online communication
is the path of least resistance. It’s
handy, but like the bag of crisps at
the end of the night, it’s not going to
nourish you for very long.

REPORT
HOW TO ASK OUT A NEW
FRIEND You get on well with one of the girls from your
book club/language class/gym, but could it be more? Follow
our tips on how to take your acquaintances to the next level
1
BRE AK IT DOWN
‘If you aren’t sure of the terri-
tory, an open-ended invitation is
always a good idea,’ says Anjula
Mutanda, psychologist, ambassador
for Relate and author of How To Do
Relationships (Vermilion, £6.99).
‘Rather than giving times, dates or
locations, simply ask, “Would you like
to grab a coffee sometime?” That way,
you can gauge how interested they are.
If they say yes, you can take it to the
next stage and set up the specifics. If
they say, “Sorry no, I’m too busy”, your
self-esteem remains intact.’
2 4
USE THE POWER OF
BODY L ANGUAGE
Make sure your body language
sends the right signal. Don’t
fidget or cross your arms, as it signals
nervousness, but try touching their arm.
‘People who are tactile are often more
popular than people who never touch
others. Touch enables us to voluntarily
and involuntarily get closer to each
other,’ says Diana Mather, author of
Secrets Of Confident Communicators
(Hodder & Stoughton, £5.99).
3
BUILD ON COMMON
GROUND
‘If you are fellow book club
members, why not invite your
friend prospect to an author-led dis-
cussion or a book signing?’ says Sophia
WORDS ALI ROFF
Ledingham, relationship psychologist
and author of The Date Night Manifesto
(Matador, £8.99). ‘This way, you are
affirming your joint interest and com-
mon ground, so you’re halfway there. If
you’re neighbours, ask if they’re going
to a local community event and suggest
you go together.’
“Look at the context of
the situation; if you get
on well, but your first
offer gets turned down,
that’s fine and normal”
CAPITALISE ON
CONVENIENCE
‘If you know each other from
gym class, suggest a juice after
your workout,’ says Ledingham. ‘The
convenience factor can easily swing a
‘no’ to a ‘yes’. A woman from my Pilates
class asked me out for coffee: I was ready
to decline, but she suggested we meet at
my local café, a mere 100 metres from
my house, so I couldn’t really refuse. We
ended up being the best of pals.’
5
REACH FOR YOUR CASH
Ledingham suggests picking
up the tab. ‘Show your gener-
ous spirit by paying – if it’s just
coffee, it’s hardly going to break the
bank, and gaining a new friend is worth
the investment. If you get resistance,
THE DOSSIER
offer that they pay next time. Kindness
has a proven reciprocity effect – it
prompts the other to return the ges-
ture. So by picking up the bill, you’re
improving your odds of a second date.’
6
DON’T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY
‘Look at the context of the sit-
uation; if you get on well, but
your first offer gets turned down, that’s
fine and normal,’ says Mutanda. She
suggests asking again after a few days.
‘Perhaps ask along a few more people or
suggest seeing a film you heard them
mention,’ she says. ‘If you’ve only met a
few times but just think you’ll get along,
your offer of spending time together
may come a bit out of the blue. Putting
it into context will help you think
clearly and stop those “I’m not good
enough” feelings.’
7
CHECK THEM OUT
‘Think of it as a “get to know
you”, as opposed to the start of
a lifelong friendship,’ says
Ledingham. ‘In this way, you’ll be less
precious about the outing and more
relaxed. It’s also a chance for you to
check them out. Perhaps you’ll feel
uncomfortable with their politics, find
them high-maintenance, or simply see
that they’re just not that interested in
you. Remember, as with dating, you
need to kiss a few frogs!’
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 79
THE DOSSIER

Q&A

THE FOURTH DIMENSION:

WILL WE EVER BE THE SAME?
The digital world is our fourth dimension. But does social media
bring us together or push us apart? We ask Laurence Scott, author
of The Four Dimensional Human: Ways Of Being In The Digital World
INTERVIEW ALI ROFF

How does living in the ‘fourth dimension’ affect us? Are we neglecting the physical world when we’re
The ‘fourth dimension’ is a metaphor for the collection living in the fourth dimension?
of experiences we have that are now based on digital With our limitless opportunities for living online, there’s
technology; this ceaseless ability to communicate with a real sense that it’s almost a part of our citizenship to get
each other and to gain information about the world around involved in the constant digital communication. Yet at the
us. I was sitting at my breakfast table recently, wondering same time, we are constantly being told via this medium
about social media and how so many moments of our lives that our physical world and environment is under threat.
are being put up for others to comment on and approve or It’s a great platform for activists to get their messages out
disapprove of; the clichéd example is our meals, but these there about fracking or the decline of the bee population.
moments must have an extra quality to them that unposted So it’s not so much that we are neglecting it, but more that
ones don’t have. And once we do post these moments out we are hyperaware of it, funnily enough.
into the world for public consumption, they then have
this extra dimension to them. It also Does togetherness count, no matter
struck me that we are constantly being
trained by social media to think about
“There’s a real sense what the format?
Some people take great joy from keeping
moments of our lives with regard to that it’s almost part in contact with loved ones over Skype
whether they are worthy of promotion of our citizenship to or through social media. There’s one
at this extra level. get involved in the example of a grandfather in America who
talks to his grandchild every week over
Will we ever be the same again?
constant digital dinner, which is a valuable interaction
I was watching a Woody Allen film the communication” for the grandfather, as the child displays
other day and I felt very nostalgic; it was its affection through the fourth dimen-
a 1980s film and the characters were at a sion. But what’s interesting, and it’s hard
family party. As the camera moved around the room, I to tell because the child is so small, is whether the child has
realised that everyone inside those walls was stuck for the an affection for the digital interface as the person them-
whole evening with whoever was physically there. Unless selves or as a representation of the person. At the same
they asked the host to use their phone and call someone time, the idea that Skype actually makes people lonelier is a
else, they really had to make do with the company of the very common feeling, in that there is almost a cruelty in
people who were there in person. this ability to talk to someone, but not actually be able to
Today, I’m not sure that will ever be the case again. I reach out and touch them.
think our ‘solid walls’ – where in a physical sense people I think the most interesting idea is that when we meet
are kept together and also kept apart – will never be the face-to-face, there is another person there who is different
same, and it has a huge impact in terms of how present we from us. We understand that there’s another human being
are around each other, as there will always be other options to negotiate with and relate to, and there’s never that
of people you can communicate with outside those walls. expectation that we’d know someone fully or be constantly

80 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
available to someone else. Yet with social media, the idea
being sold to us is that we are all ‘in it together’. There is
this strange confusion whereby we feel we should be feeling
close to people, but social media collapses all distinctions
between ‘each other’. We can communicate in this way, and
yet we know we are not really totally satisfied.
Have we now become addicted to, or even trapped by
our use of social media?
A friend of mine was over from Canada and Skyping her
sister and her child back home, and there was obvious
jubilation in the ability to call them and say hello. Yet there
is another element to connecting via social media, where
we wait and wait for a response from someone, or hold a
sense of entitlement that people will always be on tap; that
everyone in our lives is constantly sitting behind this little
door that we can open and shut whenever we want.
There is also silence online; it’s not so much what we’re
always saying to each other, but the ways in which we’re not
speaking to each other that I think is what people find most
difficult to deal with. Take, for example, the ‘seen by’ or
‘read’ function on Facebook or WhatsApp. People have
always been waiting by the phone when they expect or want
to hear from someone, but now we’re in this new situation
in which we know that a silence is particularly targeted at
us, that we are alone and not being responded to because
the other person is being active on social media but not
responding to us. We are becoming attuned to the ways
in which we are not speaking to one another.
What role does the fear of our gadgets play in our
four-dimensional lives?
On the one hand, we’re constantly being told that there
is no going back, that social media is here to stay; going
forward it will be part of citizenship and consumerism to
have an online presence. But running parallel to that is the
idea that these technologies aren’t healthy for us, and there
is a huge industry of digital detoxing that takes so many
forms. So there’s a strange sense that we’re both obliged
and afraid at the same time.
We might feel quite guilty for saying that the advance-
ments into digital technologies aren’t a good thing. But
there’s a real craving for spaces that aren’t occupied in
any way by wi-fi. It’s amazing that even if we send people
to Mars, they’ll be able to tweet their families from there.
Even the night sky is being pulled into our grid.
Laurence Scott is author of ‘The Four-Dimensional Human: Ways Of Being
In The Digital World’ (Heinemann, £20).
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 81
THE DOSSIER
CA SE STUDIES
CONNECTING THE DOTS
Three women share their differing social needs and the ways
they create and maintain physical connections with their
communities, whether that’s by starting a friendly support network
for business owners, sharing life’s wisdom through honest, open
discussion, or making an effort to become a vital part of village life.
INTERVIEWS ANITA CHAUDHURI PHOTOGRAPHS GEMMA DAY
I’m striving to create an environment that
makes it easy for people to share and learn”
Lovelda Smith is the founder of The Collaboration Club
‘I set up The Collaboration Club because I
was frustrated about the type of networking
and support groups that were out there for
solopreneurs and small-business owners.
Most of the ones I had gone to required you to
already know what you were doing, and they
seemed to be designed predominantly for
extroverts. You were expected to know how
to work a room, to navigate the shark pit,
which I found to be a very masculine way of
connection – everyone talking at each other,
each giving their sales pitch before moving
on to the next person.
I had the vision for a sort of ‘ecosystem’
for those running start-ups to connect, and
get advice and mentoring from like-minded
people. My guiding principle is: we’re all in
this together, we’re all crazy enough to have
started our own businesses. The idea is that
we can share our most trusted networks with
one another. But more important than that,
we can share honestly about our experiences.
I don’t have to prove to you that I’m the best
in my field and know everything. This is more
like the way you’d naturally meet friends; it’s
not transactional, it’s a sense of “we connect,
I’d like to have you in my world”.
82 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 5
Ultimately, running your own business can
be quite lonely. If you’ve lost a sale or you’re
worrying about how you’re going to pay this
month’s rent, you don’t necessarily want to
share that with your friends and family. Or
you might be working long hours, travelling,
and spending money on things that don’t
work, and it can be difficult for loved ones
to understand why you’re doing that.
I’m striving to create an environment that
makes it easy for people to share and learn
from each other as opposed to always being
competitive or having to pretend to be
something that they’re not.
We had a session recently where a woman
came along for the first time and she ended
up telling the group about some really big
financial difficulties she’d just managed to get
herself out of. She broke down in tears and the
whole group pulled around her. It turned out
it was the first time that she’d actually told
anyone she’d got into that mess. The fact that
she felt safe and supported enough to share
her story with a group of strangers and leave
the session feeling uplifted and inspired to
keep going was wonderful.’
For more information, see thecollaborationclub.com
J A N UJ A
URLY 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 83
Y 2014
 There is a hunger
in a big city like
London to forge
deeper connections”
Shay Allie is co-founder of Inspire’d,
a monthly TED Talks-style meet-up
‘I set up Inspire’d as a monthly get-
together for people to connect in a
deeper way than is usually available in
a city like London. It’s the antidote to
small talk – we encourage “big talk”.
The nights take place at a London bar,
and five speakers, who we’ve chosen,
do 10-minute talks about life’s big
questions, then a member of the
audience volunteers to speak at the end.
What do people talk about? We give
them a simple brief: “If this was the last
10 minutes of your life, what wisdom
would you share with the world?” The
topics can be absolutely anything.
Recently, a successful woman talked
about how she was always seen as the
weird kid at school, but how she now
embraces her weirdness. We also had
a man who spoke about having kidney
stones and his journey back to health.
When people take to the stage to
share their stories in such a raw,
authentic way, it encourages a deeper
conversation among everyone who
attends. At the bar, rather than asking
the person next to them, “What do you
do?”, they’ll find themselves sharing
stories about how they were the weird
kid at school, too. If someone turns up
on their own – which they often do – I’ll
be sure to introduce them to another
person who’s also come on their own.
There is obviously a hunger in
a big city like London to forge deeper
HAIR AND MAKE-UP: HAYLEY MCGREAL

connections, as we get up to 70 people

coming along from all walks of life,
from bankers to NHS staff, students
and even a dominatrix. Ultimately, it’s
sharing stories and sharing emotions
that connects people.’
For more information, see inspiredinlondon.com

84 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J A
UNLYU A
20R 1Y52 0 1 4
 DOSSIER

It’s about taking

the time to stop, say
hello and have a chat”
Debbie Howells is a novelist

‘I had lived all over the place, including

London and Bath, before we first moved
to the tiny village of Wiston, West Sussex,
where the population is only about 200.
Although the houses are quite spread out,
there’s a strong sense of community. Half
a dozen times a year, everyone in the
village goes to local events – the summer
barbecue, a harvest supper, Christmas
carols in the tiny village church – and the
annual pumpkin-growing competition.
I first met Katie when she moved into
our original house in the village. We were
moving the last of our things out when
she and her husband came over. We got
talking about the garden, which I’d
created and she loved. She mentioned
how they were looking forward to
moving in, as her son was autistic and
wasn’t accepted in the neighbourhood
where they lived at the time.
That was the first of many subsequent
conversations about gardens, horses,
and the peculiarities of moving to a tiny
village when they’d lived somewhere
bigger, as everyone knows everyone
and it can takes years before you’re no
longer an “incomer”. We met at village
gatherings and also when she brought
the post round, or in passing, walking
our dogs. Two years on, we are friends,
getting together for a cuppa or for her to
dig our muck heap for her garden. I take
her son riding on one of our ponies.
There is an informal support network
in place here. For example, if you need a
lift somewhere, or your child needs
picking up, or your pets need looking
after, a number of people are happy to
help out. That is something that
Facebook can never offer.
But although a village does offer a
ready-made community, you still need
to be prepared to make an effort. We all
have busy lives, so it’s about taking the
time to stop, say hello, and have a chat.’
‘The Bones Of You’ by Debbie Howells (Macmillan,
£12.99) is out on 16 July.

J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 85
THE DOSSIER

TEST

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE

FRIENDS? Meaningful friendships have the power to
transform our lives. But making and sustaining our friendships is not
always easy. Take our test to discover how good you are at forging
new social connections and what might be getting in your way

1 When you think of your friends, friendship group as those newer ■ Hit back by spreading nasty
what comes to mind? Facebook pals rumours about them
● Friends from my childhood ▲ You remember them with a good
are my truest friends deal of emotion 9 Your best friend achieves
■ I’m lucky to have so many ◆ You have severed contact with major professional success
▲ I can count them on the fingers many of them while you continue to struggle.
of one hand How do you react?
◆ I’ve recently been betrayed 6 If you’re at a party where ◆ You are jealous and can’t resist
you don’t know anyone, you: making barbed comments
2 Above all, you think a friend ◆ Latch on to someone who ● You focus on your own situation
should be: looks the most interesting ▲ You celebrate their good fortune
▲ Loyal ▲ Use your intuition about who ■ You ask to be introduced to their
◆ Devoted to approach first influential connections
● Respectful ■ Crack a joke to start a conversation
■ Spontaneous ● Wait for someone to approach you 10 Your friend has met a new man
and is suddenly unavailable. You:
3 Currently, when it comes 7 What was your first encounter ▲ Rejoice, she deserves it
to your friendships, you: with your best friend like? ■ Invent a ploy to get her to come out
▲ Are supporting one of your friends ■ You were both engrossed in with you to find out what’s going on
who is having a tough time a shared hobby ● It suits you, as you don’t need to
● Are finding time to spend alone ▲ Being with them made you feel see her so often
◆ Are in conflict confident in yourself ◆ Pester her to meet up – shouldn’t
■ Are open to new opportunities ● You kept quiet and let them talk; you come first?
you liked it that way
4 If you have a major difference ◆ You admired them and found 11 How has social networking had
of opinion with a friend, you: them fascinating an impact on your friendships?
● Keep your distance for a while ● It’s too much contact
◆ Break off the friendship 8 A friend of a friend tells you ■ You love it all; it’s your preferred
■ Seek comfort from other friends that one of your friends is means of communication with friends
▲ Try to establish a middle ground gossiping about you. You: ▲ Internet and mobile will never
TEST: CATHERINE MAILLARD

◆ Create a big drama and accuse replace the face-to-face experience

5 What is your relationship them of slander ◆ It’s essential to keep in touch
with your childhood friends? ● Brood on the matter, seething
● You see them for the big life events, silently for weeks NOW SEE HOW MANY TIMES YOU
such as weddings and birthdays ▲ Procrastinate and ask for more PICKED EACH SYMBOL, AND TURN
■ They are as much a part of your information THE PAGE TO FIND YOUR PROFILE >>>

86 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 87
 THE dossier
>>>
Mostly ●
You crave solitude
Making friends is far from being a priority for you. You’re
not someone who feels happiest being part of a gang; in
fact, you’re pretty self-sufficient. Such self-reliance is
great, but the downside is that those around you can feel
as if you don’t care that much about them. Furthermore,
when a friend in need turns to you, you’re often not
available to help them out. Perhaps you allow people to
confide in you too readily – this is a great trait among
friends, but unless you’re more discerning, you will find
yourself unable to support all those needy people.
You don’t seem to have a massive appetite for
friendship. It’s likely that you feel awkward talking about
yourself to other people, or listening to others talk about
personal matters. You have enough inner resources to get
along quite well without other people. For you, having lots
of friends implies a certain degree of obligation that you
don’t particularly want to be burdened with.
This is all very well, but we are primarily social beings.
To get over your mental blocks about making new friends,
bear in mind that these types of relationships can make
you more open to new experiences, by diverting you from
your comfort zone and offering the chance to experience
the liberating nature of closeness with a good friend.
Mostly ■
You love your tribe
You have a lot of friends. You find it easy to connect – and
disconnect – when it suits you. You love engaging in virtual
conversations and social networking, and seize every
opportunity to do so. You’ve created a wide network of
friends, which doesn’t rely on exclusive connections or
a hierarchical ‘inner circle’ of closer friends. Above all,
what you appreciate is having a tribe; a community with
whom you share the same tastes and reference points.
Growing up, you instinctively understood how to be
accepted by a group. You find strength in your tribe, be
it virtual or face-to-face, and you find it reinforces your
sense of self. As part of a group, you feel everyone mirrors
each other, which builds greater self-understanding and a
sense of wider connectedness. By increasing the number
of connections you have, your self-esteem increases
through having more people pay attention to you, and it
reduces the risk of you feeling rejected.
Do be careful not to overdo this hunger for connection.
You might try experimenting with a degree of privacy.
Rather than focusing on new friends, try to express
genuine care and support for the friends you already have.
88 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
Mostly ▲
You’re in it for the
long haul
Bank holiday weekends, job promotions, the birth of a
child… you experience all these with your close friends.
Your friendships don’t happen by chance and they
strengthen over time, at least when it comes to your ‘inner
circle’. Those chosen individuals know they can count on
you no matter what. You take the time for small, thoughtful
gestures as well as celebrating big events with them. You
make yourself available to your gang and this reassures
them about the sincerity of your affection for them.
Your friendships are based on longevity. Your talent for
making friends rests with your ability to be yourself with
others, and that in turn allows them to be who they really
are. Nurturing a friendship for the long-haul often requires
give and take from each person and you don’t pretend
you’re the one controlling everything.
But calling a relationship a friendship is not always a
guarantee of quality. Sometimes we invest time tending
a connection that disappoints us. Or we can settle into a
friendship rut over time. Sometimes friendships require
that we make an effort to keep the spark alive. The key
to any good relationship is to work at keeping it alive.
Mostly ◆
You like to play the
passion card
You engage in friendships as if they were love affairs. You
often insist on exclusivity and can develop a platonic
passion for one another because you find each other so
fascinating. As with any grand passion, you can begin to
experience positive emotions as negatives over time.
Alternately flattered by the idea of being the other
person’s friend, and disappointed that they don’t give
you the attention you crave, you can become touchy
and perceive even the biggest compliments as slights.
You put a lot of pressure on your friends, which can
become burdensome, especially since you can be
very demanding. You invest the same energy in your
friendships as you would in a romantic partnership, and
you view disappointments as betrayals or manipulations.
It’s likely that you’re unconsciously playing out
emotions from your relationships with your parents.
Friendship is an area where freedom of choice and affinity
are the order of the day. Remember that it can also be
a refuge where you can finally let your guard down.
 dossier

J AM
NAURACRH 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 89
Y 2014
 JOIN US!
J
BOOK
TICKETS
NOW!
In partnership with NOW Live Events, we are delighted to offer two life-changing
workshops – with Vanessa King, positive psychology expert, who will be
showing us how to make the most of our strengths, and mindfulness
expert Dr Tamara Russell, presenting a radical new approach to
mindfulness. Plus, we look ahead to the Wilderness Festival,
where we will be hanging out with our team at the NOW tent.
LISTEN TO SUZY GREAVES INTERVIEWING OUR EXPERTS AT LIFELABS.PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK

90 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5

Psychologies
editor Suzy
Greaves and
Oliver Burkeman
talk in the NOW
tent last year
AUGUST FESTIVAL
Wilderness
DATE: 6-9 August 2015
VENUE: Wilderness, Cornbury Park, Oxfordshire
TO BOOK TICKETS: wildernessfestival.com
We will be hanging out with our wonderful team at the NOW
tent at Wilderness this year. Speakers include mindfulness
coach Dr Tamara Russell, happiness expert Nic Marks,
broadcaster Janey Lee Grace, Mark Williamson and Vanessa
King from Action for Happiness, author Dr Nina Burrowes,
philosopher and writer Jules Evans and author Paul Dolan.
NOW will be hosting over 40 events for all ages, including
wild swimming, dance workshops, portraiture classes,
creative writing exercises, mindful parenting and children’s
workshops, plus everything from singing in the moment
PHOTOGRAPHS: TANIA DOLVERS, JACK WADE
and mindful running classes to photography, as well as
an art installation that lets you talk to your future self.
The focus this year is not only on how to embrace our
experience in the present, but how to live more intentionally,
tapping into our innate creativity and potential through
mindfulness, and thinking about mental, physical and
emotional wellbeing and what gives our lives meaning.
As always, the NOW programme is totally free and open
to everybody at Wilderness. See you in the NOW tent.
JOIN US! BUY TICKETS FOR FUTURE EVENTS AT NOWLIVEEVENTS.ORG/TICKETS
events
JUNE WORKSHOP
Making the Most
of Your Strengths
DATE: 9 June 2015
VENUE: Conway Hall, 25, Red Lion Square,
London WC1 4RL TIME: 7pm-8.30pm COST: £18
What are your greatest strengths and how are you using them in
your life? What are the best things about you and how could you
bring them out more?
Often our focus is on what isn’t right with us. Scientific research
shows that becoming more aware of our strengths and using them
has lots of benefits, like making us more happy, confident and more
likely to be successful at home and at work.
Leading this session is Vanessa King, positive psychology expert
and director of workplaces for Action for Happiness. Vanessa works
with many organisations identifying and developing talent.
THIS INTERACTIVE SESSION WILL HELP YOU:
● Identify your signature strengths and reflect on how you
currently use them in your life
● Use your strengths more often and in new and creative ways
● Leave with a personal action plan, having gained more energy,
and hopefully made new connections, too
JULY WORKSHOP
The Art of Mindfulness
in Everyday Life
DATE: 15 July 2015
VENUE: Conway Hall, 25, Red Lion Square,
London WC1 4RL TIME: 7pm-8.30pm COST: £18
Many of us would love to experience the benefits of mindfulness but
struggle to integrate the traditional practices into our everyday lives.
In this inspiring and interactive workshop, neuroscientist, clinical
psychologist and leading mindfulness expert Dr Tamara Russell
presents a radical new approach to mindfulness that takes it off the
cushion and into the real world – helping you find your own way to
a rich and rewarding practice.
IN THIS WORKSHOP – A MIXTURE OF BRAIN SCIENCE,
MARTIAL ARTS THEORY, PSYCHOLOGY AND PRACTICAL
EXERCISES – YOU WILL DISCOVER:
● How you don’t need to be sitting still or lying down to meditate
● How anything you do, you can do mindfully
● Pioneering techniques that help you easily integrate
mindfulness into a busy lifestyle
● How to practise mindfulness any time, anywhere
Dr Tamara Russell is a neuroscientist, clinical psychologist, martial artist, mindfulness
trainer and leading expert from The Art of Mindfulness – a project dedicated to
inspiring mindfulness in everyday life. Her forthcoming book, ‘Mindfulness in Motion’
(Watkins, £12), explores the links between movement, mind and the brain. For more
on The Art of Mindfulness, see runriotprojects.org/mindfulness
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 91
Menopause

Menoforce
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A traditional herbal medicinal product used for the relief of excessive sweating
associated with menopausal hot flushes, including night sweats exclusively
based upon long-standing use as a traditional remedy. Always read the leaflet.

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 the Boost Beauty i Skincare i Make-up i Body i Wellbeing i Health

Following all
the rules leaves
a complicated
checklist.
Following your
heart achieves
a complicated
you’’
ray davis
Photograph: prismologie, ‘live life colourfully’

j u LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 93
the boost } beauty
natural
beauty
Following their award for Best Ethical Beauty Brand in Psychologies’
Positive Beauty Awards, Eminé Ali Rushton visits Burt’s Bees’ HQ in
North Carolina, to get to the roots of this trailblazing cosmetics company
W
hen I travelled to the States to visit Burt’s
Bees, I’d already heard the story:
‘It was the summer of ’84 and Maine
artist Roxanne Quimby was thumbing a
ride back home (back when you could still
do that sort of thing). A yellow pick-up truck pulled over, and
Roxanne recognised Burt Shavitz, a local fella whose beard was
almost as well-known as his roadside honey stand. Burt and Rox-
anne hit it off and before long, Roxanne was making candles with
unused wax from Burt’s beehives. They made $200 at their first
craft fair, and within a year, they’d make $20,000. Pretty auspi-
cious beginning – but just the beginning all the same.’
Today, Burt’s Bees is a global beauty brand – immediately
recognised, a household name. One would have thought that
in the luxury beauty market – with its insistence on innova-
tion and ‘immediate’ anti-ageing solutions – a company such
as Burt’s Bees would have felt pressured to ditch the grassroots
and follow suit. In fact, the opposite is true. The brand has been
on my radar for over a decade, yet I cannot once recall them
using the term ‘anti-ageing’. Instead, I hear a lot about ‘kitchen
94 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E JMUALY
R C2H0 2
1 50 1 5
chemistry’ and ‘nature as laboratory’. And, I have seen this
for myself within the US factory – the approachable method-
ology, and the simple ingredients – shea butter, coconut oil,
beeswax – which they pass around in their raw forms for us to
smell, feel and rub onto our skin.
back to basics
There’s no gimmickry or snobbery with Burt’s Bees – very few
heads of research would be happy to admit that they looked to
the past rather than the future for their innovation, but that’s
precisely what Celeste Lutrario, vice president of research and
development, tells me when we meet. ‘I worked in innovation
for Chanel, Elizabeth Arden and Avon prior to Burt’s Bees, so
I went from a very synthetic approach to the complete oppo-
site,’ she explains, ‘and I assumed this would be easy – because,
it’s natural. But, on my first day of being in the lab, I could not
get anything to work! So, we decided to spend six months
researching how people used to make lipcare and skincare
before cosmetics became a big industry, and we’ve just been
making it better and better ever since. >>>
 the boost } beauty

>>> ‘Your skin is beautiful, naturally. I firmly believe that if women strong. Then the thinking changed and we were told to take
knew how their skin worked, they would make different skin- calcium with magnesium or your body won’t recognise it. And
care choices. Most people, and even most chemists, know now it’s calcium, magnesium and vitamin D – and now they’ve
nothing about how skin works. We aim to support the skin’s added folic acid onto that! Your body has a way of recognising
inherent balance and promote skin health, because if you have ingredients that are paired and partnered. That’s what we look
good skin health, all other issues go away,’ says Lutrario. ‘The to do with our skincare, too.’
life cycle of a cell is 28 days – and the dead cells stay on the sur- Hearteningly, this ‘nature’s laboratory’ approach is paid
face of your skin for another two weeks. That’s when your skin back via the brand’s exhaustive environmental policies, too.
is healthiest – in this six-week cycle. The only cell that can grab Their operational footprint (or lack thereof ) is seriously
moisture and hold onto it is a dead skin cell,’ says Lutrario. impressive. Energy, water and greenhouse gas expenditure
‘Your skin is moisturised more from the atmosphere than and production is continually monitored. ‘We are carbon neu-
from the internal body. If you get rid of this layer of dead cells, tral and also offset the energy that we do use,’ says Paula Alex-
you have no way of moisturising or protecting skin.’ ander, director of sustainable business at Burt’s Bees. ‘We
store water in the watersheds in the US, most importantly in
nature’s laboratory the Colorado River, to offset our usage. Since 2010, we have
‘I was working at a big consumer brand when they invented sent zero waste from our US operations to landfill.’
Alpha Hydroxy Acids. Before that, all anyone ever expected I spot the multiple sorting stations throughout the factory,
from their face cream was moisturisation. AHAs create a slight and Alexander smiles when I mention it, ‘Yes, we have impec-
irritation to the skin, but not so the consumer cably sorted waste streams to ensure that every
knows it. The skin will think it’s hurt, and the single thing goes to the right place: to compost,
first thing your body does when it’s hurt is Burt’s Bees recycling, or waste to energy.’ This tireless
become inflamed. And, lo and behold, fine is a consumer- focus on less waste is particularly impres-
lines and wrinkles vanished (temporar-
ily of course). This began the anti- and trend-guided sive given that we’re talking about a
‘beauty’ brand. Packaging is, after all,
ageing craze. Then came exfoliation beauty brand, but not just seen as a hygienic and safe way
that takes off this dead skin layer to
reveal live cells which look wonderful –
our convictions to transport and store product, but as
the arbiter of aspiration; the promise of
but this also removes the skin’s protective inform everything the beauty that lies within. ‘Of course
epidermal layer. So you have no way to
moisturise or protect the cells beneath. You’re
we do” beauty products need to be beautiful,’ she
concedes. ‘That’s what editors want to photo-
also speeding up “skin renewal”, forcing the graph, and what consumers pick up off the shelf.
skin to make new cells faster than it naturally would. But that is not always the most sustainable packaging. For us,
‘At Burt’s we’re not focused on hurting or manipulating the it comes down to using fewer materials, making it recyclable
skin; we want to get it back to the six-week cycle, naturally. My and putting more recycled material into our packaging.’
theory is if you use a lot of harsh products for a long period of
time, you’ll look worse than if you didn’t.’ So, what should we protecting the bees
do? ‘Feed the skin, just as you would your own body. Our Alexander’s other remit is overseeing the private foundation
*for terms and conditions and to enter, see psychologies.co.uk
products contain antioxidants, essential fatty acids, vitamins, that has donated to many non-profit organisations over the
minerals and phytonutrients. We look at the chemical and years. ‘Originally, we supported organisations that dealt with
nutritional breakdown of each ingredient to ensure we’re giv- environmental and social issues. But recently, we’ve focused
ing the skin a balanced diet. And when we have a skin issue we on the intersection of human and honeybee health. We source
need to fix, we look for a plant that’s exposed to the same con- a lot of bee products – beeswax, honey and royal jelly – but bees
ditions that we’re exposing the skin to. So, for intense hydra- are incredibly important to all of us. They are responsible for
tion, we’d look to a desert plant that is amazing at retaining one in every three bites of food that we enjoy,’ says Alexander.
moisture; for repair, we’ll use plants that are exposed to To break this down – between 75 and 95 per cent of all flow-
intense sunlight all day, and evolutionarily have had to adapt ering plants, including fruit, vegetables and grains, require
to survive those conditions, so they’ll have extraordinarily pollination to survive. ‘Bees need healthy, nutritious food, just
high antioxidant content,’ says Lutrario. like us, so we launched the US Bee Buffer Project. If we plant
These ‘simple’ products are also developed to be ‘complete’. one acre of healthy honeybee flora alongside agricultural land,
‘The body does not often recognise single ingredients. Women it then positively impacts 33 acres of agriculture. It really ben-
were once told to take calcium to make their bones efits the pollinators and the agricultural systems. Burt’s Bees

96 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
is consumer- and trend-guided, but our convictions inform
everything we do,’ says Alexander. Even, I venture, since its
purchase by big multi-national Clorox in 2007 (for $925 mil-
lion) – a company more famous for kitty litter than pepper-
mint lipbalm? ‘When you’re a “for profit” company, there is
pressure to be more efficient, but there’s also the long-term
view of sustainable practices, and if we don’t manage those
resources today, we won’t have the resources for the future.
Clorox saw the wellness and sustainability trend coming,
which is why they bought us. I came from Unilever, so I know
what the resources of a large company can do for a brand – we
were supported throughout the recession, so we came out of
that well. Most importantly, there are a lot of passionate peo-
ple at Burt’s who have been here since before the purchase by
Clorox, and are still with us. We just believed that the business
had a real potential to change the world.’ That Alexander says
this with absolute sincerity does not surprise me. It all points
to a business that has managed to maintain its ideology.
WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS
Off-paper, and back to the bricks and mortar – the site of Burt’s
Bees HQ, in Durham, North Carolina, situated within the old
Tobacco quarter – which kickstarted the large-scale regener-
ation project that has since breathed business and culture
back into the waterside. This place smells amazing. Coconut,
pear, mango, peppermint… wafts of it rise from vats and pots,
bubbling under the smiling eyes of the cheeriest bunch of fac-
tory workers I’ve ever seen. ‘Employee engagement is a big
part of what we do,’ says Alexander. ‘We’re a small team, but
everybody at Burt’s Bees is responsible for sustainability.’ Staff
are all on first-name terms and everyone’s performance is fol-
lowed via colourful infographs on the walls – a sort of ‘sticker
reward’ system, if at the highest level. The factory and lab are
flooded with natural light – fitting given that the average
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naturals content of the products being made here is 99 per
cent (over half are 100 per cent natural).
But what about beyond the walls of their factory and lab?
Who has their eye on those practices? That would be Shannon
Hess, Senior Manager, responsible for sourcing and sustain-
ability. ‘We need to know what goes into every one of our prod-
ucts, and that everything is socially and environmentally
sound in its sourcing. We have close relationships with our raw
materials suppliers, and when we don’t feel we have enough
information, we have third-party audits to ensure we have a
full and clear picture,’ says Hess. ‘For every product that we
launch, there are roughly 20 new ingredients that we will
review, scrupulously, with an extensive team of people. We test
for regulatory compliance for naturals, but also that the com-
munities from which we source our ingredients are looked
after, and practices and sourcing principles are consistent
with our social and environmental principles. Also that we
have traceable and transparent “back-to-origin” rules in place.’
It’s rare to encounter a brand that lauds simplicity; that
talks in black-and-white terms; that possesses little opacity,
beyond, perhaps, the fact that Burt himself – whose face can
still be found on many products – made little money from ‘his’
brand (he sold his share of the business to Roxanne in 1999).
Burt, in true Burt style, has said money is of no matter to him;
all he needs to be happy is the earth and, of course, his bees.
Despite skincare that has bona fide scientific trials to back
up its efficacy, the emphasis at Burt’s Bees is never on quick
fixes, simply long-term natural skincare solutions. Skin health,
environmental ethics, social responsibility – all are dealt with
in the same way. After all, Burt’s Bees’ enduring success is built
on the firmest foundation of all: two million-year-old nature.
It owes nature everything – but, rare for a big and successful
brand, it also seeks to respect and repay its dues.
For more information, see burtsbees.co.uk
Anti-Blemish
Targeted Spot
Treatment,
£9.99
£10.99
Milk & Honey
Body Lotion, £9.99
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 97
 Free yourself
from stress
Feel calm in any situation with the
Psychologies StressLess app
S
tressful situations
can pop up at the
oddest moments and
in the strangest places.
And it’s not always possible
to have the latest issue of
Psychologies nearby when
you’re just out of a meeting
at work or held up by a
delayed train.
We have been keeping
some help close at hand
on our phones and tablets
– our new StressLess app
HOW THE STRESSLESS APP WORKS
1 LOWER THE PRESSURE
Stress can act like
poison. To neutralise its
toxic effects, we’ve devised
special coaching exercises
to help you find peace both
mentally and physically.
Exercises and advice will
help change your thought
patterns and body
language, so you
can live a calmer
life with more
balanced
2
relationships.
MANAGE
YOUR TIME
Discover how to
prioritise tasks
and make time
for yourself.
Available to download now on
iTunes and Google Play, £2.99
is filled with exercises and
advice to help you manage
your time, master your
feelings and communicate
assertively and calmly.
Easy coaching exercises
mean that you can practise
your new skills day after
day, following a useful
training programme. It
doesn’t take long – just five
minutes a day will create
more calm and happiness
in your life.
3 REGULATE YOUR
FEELINGS
Take our test to discover
how you can stop being
overwhelmed by your
feelings and other people’s,
4
and stay calm.
EXPRESS YOURSELF
SERENELY
Are you able to say
no? Do you handle
criticism well – or
do you tend to take
it personally? Use
the app’s exercises
to help you get your
point across calmly,
but firmly, whether
at home, work or
when you’re with
friends and family.
PHOTOGRAPH: CORBIS
 THE BOOST } beauty edit

1 4
Vilhelm
Parfumerie
Room Service,
£145/100ml
PROTECTIVE
SERVICES
It’s human nature to want to
protect yourself, but what if MORNING
you’re standing in your own GLORY

3
way? Well, at least I know that my skin Origins High-Potency
is one thing I should protect at all times. Night-A-Mins Skin
This is made easier by using Givenchy Refining Oil, £35, fuses
Clean It Silky CAREFREE resurfacing ingredients
Divine Cleansing I was drawn to this at with nourishing oils to
Oil, £24.50. The first whiff. The elaborate remove dead skin cells
formula includes bouquet features violet petals, and leave my skin bright
cranberry oil and
pink orchid and green bamboo, come morning.
vitamin E to help
and with fresh mandarin that
protect the skin’s
natural protective
dances atop the sophisticated
barrier (made up sandalwood base, I feel footloose
of oils and water) and fancy-free whenever I wear it.
and ward off
free-radical
Follow a
new
damage, while
also removing
make-up.

direction
5
2
Clinique
Amerley Ollennu Cheek Pop
discovers beauty in Pink Pop,
£16.50
buys that are ideal PLAYTIME
for a fresh start
I’m forgoing playing

S
itting in the hairdresser’s chair, I it safe in the form of
remembered that in the dream
a bold pop of colour

6
I’d had the night before, I was
sporting a fringe. Having never had one on my cheeks.
DECISION in my life, I casually asked him to chop
MAKER one in (much to his surprise). Little did
I’m pushing my
I know how high-maintenance a fringe
boundaries and
actually is! Well, you live and learn.
quelling any As everyone complimented my new
apprehension with style, it dawned on me that I’ve never
the help of Scentered pushed past my comfort zone when it
Love Therapy Balm, comes to my appearance. Don’t get me BRIGHT AND
£14.50. Tapping wrong; I love to look glamorous, but I’ve BEAUTIFUL
into the power of never had the courage to try a trendy I took the plunge and tried the
aromatherapy, this razor cut or pastel eye shades, even Guerlain Summer Shadow in
FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140

creates a welcome though I’ve admired them on others. Like Blue Ocean, £22, on a recent
pause in my day, my look, I’ve been playing it safe across sunny holiday. As a liner, a
allowing me to gain the board and, surprisingly, something sheer wash or an intense mint
perspective, and as insignificant as a fringe has made me hue, this creamy waterproof
be inspired to reassess my direction in life, too. Here’s eyeshadow made for the
take action. to taking that leap – new ’do or otherwise. perfect holiday companion.

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 99
sUNSHINE
STATE
A plethora of innovative suncare is hitting the shelves this
summer, with some astounding claims. Perdita Nouril
filters out fact from fiction, discovering what’s truly safe,
trustworthy – and effective
PHOTOGRAPH max von treu/fOLIO ID
 the boost } beauty

W
hen it comes to sun
exposure, my nearest
IRA rays of a 2p coin to your face alone. Once you
get the amount right, you can also ensure
and dearest fall into two account for a you’re protecting yourself from more
groups. The run-for- third of the sun’s than just UVA and UVB, as a new gener-

rays and their

cover types, who avoid ation of products are upping the protec-
sunshine like the plague, and the avid tion ante and, in particular, shielding
sun-worshippers, who spend every moment damaging effects skin against harmful infrared-A (IRA)
they can in direct sunlight and who, subse-
quently, look a lot older than they actually are only just rays. Not to be confused with the harm-
less infrared that is released from your
are. I fall somewhere in the middle and owe being realised” computer screen, IRA rays account for a
this to my dear old dad, a doctor, who would, third of the sun’s rays and their damag-
much to my embarrassment, smother me in ing effects are only just being realised.
a thick and impenetrable layer of suncream and insist I wear ‘Because they have a longer wavelength, they can penetrate
a T-shirt on the beach between 11am and 3pm, knowing just skin more deeply than UVA and UVB rays, and can cause pre-
how deadly the sun can be. mature ageing, free radical and cellular damage,’ explains Jus-
Skin cancer is now the fifth most common cancer in the UK, tine Hextall from the Royal College of Physicians. ‘Basic’
even though so many of us know that protection is key. Dr Tabi sunscreens reflect and absorb both UVA and UVB, but IRA
Leslie, spokesperson for the British Skin Foundation explains: can’t be blocked in the same way. This is where antioxidants
‘Although a lot of us wear sunscreen, studies have found that come in. When our skin absorbs solar energy such as infra-
most people apply less than half the amount required to pro- red-A, free radicals are created. These are short-lived unsta-
vide the level of protection indicated on the packaging.’ ble molecules which can damage our genes, causing mutations
Experts advise using no less than 2mg of sunscreen per sq cm that can lead to cancer. Antioxidants such as vitamins A, C and
of skin, which roughly translates to applying a dollop the size E are able to donate an electron to a free radical, stabilising it >>>

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 101
 THE BOOST } beauty

>>> without destabilising themselves. Exposure to prevalent. Water was once a suncare stick-
Suncreen pioneer Ladival is one of the
first to formulate a specific blend of anti- sunlight prompts ing point, but Shiseido’s latest offering clev-
erly uses water to its advantage. Shiseido
oxidants that neutralise free-radicals and the body to Expert Sun Aging Protection Lotion in
hinder cell damage caused by IRA, UVA
and UVB. Its SPF30 Transparent Spray,
produce SPF30, £32, is formulated with ‘wetforce’
patented technology, containing negative
£19.99, disappears on contact with the endorphins, ions that bond with the positive ions found
skin, making it a good buy for all skin tones.
It also doesn’t contain any fragrance or
making it in water minerals (calcium and magne-
sium) and your own body’s sweat. They
colourants, making it ideal for sensitive essential for work by forming a water-repellent layer,
skins, too. Other brands are following suit
– La Roche-Posay, whose new Anthelios
lifting our mood” making the UV protection even more effec-
tive on contact with water.
XL Comfort Cream SPF50, £15.50, con-
tains baicalin, an active polyphenol antioxidant that is tradi- A NEW WAY TO PROTECT
tionally used in Chinese medicine and is extracted from the While durable formulations with unbeatable protection are
baikal skullcap root. This new ingredient raises the bar fur- an imperative part of any suncare kit, they are not the only
ther, as not only does it hinder free-radical damage, but it also ways we can protect ourselves. Aside from essential clothing,
provides reinforced protection against the effects of UVA. such as hats and sunglasses, our diets can also offer vital pro-
For the face, Murad’s Invisiblur Perfecting Shield SPF30, tection, and nutri-cosmetic suncare in the form of pills, drinks
£55, is a clever hybrid protector and perfector. Its velvety tex- and drips are bridging the gap. ‘Before sunscreen, there was
ture works like a primer to even out skin tone, giving it a food,’ explains Dr Howard Murad, founder of Murad.
soft-focus finish. Like the others, it contains a dose of protec- ‘Skin-protecting nutrients can be found in produce such as
tive antioxidants, taken from sunflower, cucumber, blackcur- oranges, spinach, goji berries and apricots, and can help to
rant and mushroom, which mimic the skin’s membrane increase the efficacy of sunscreen.’
structure to shield it from free-radicals. As well as adding antioxidant-rich food to your diet,
‘nutri-cosmetics work as a bolt-on, delivering vital micro-
REMEMBER YOUR EYES nutrients that reach the skin via numerous vessels on a regu-
Alongside not wearing enough sun protection, we also have to lar basis to ensure protection from the sun,’ explains Dr
consider the areas we miss out: our ears, the back of the neck Justin Wagner, founder of Dr Skin’s Sun Drink.
and the eyes. Surprisingly, research shows that 10 per cent of So it seems there is a lot to digest, figuratively and literally,
all skin cancers occur in the eyelid region even though it com- when it comes to how best to protect yourself from the harm-
prises less than one per cent of total body skin. Highlighting ful effects of the sun. But that said, the importance of sunlight
the importance of ocular protection is SkinCeuticals, which shouldn’t be underestimated. The Vitamin D Mission survey
has formulated three eyecare products that work in synergy carried out last October, found that 4,635 children were
to heal, treat and protect. The first is AOX+ Eye Gel, £70, which admitted to hospital with rickets in 2013/14, compared with
provides the necessary antioxidant hit thanks to ruscus acu- 1,398 cases in 2009/10. A disease caused by lack of vitamin D,
leatus, an evergreen shrub. AGE Eye Complex, £76, works to many experts have linked the increasing amount of time spent
undo previous sun-damage by flooding fragile skin with pep- indoors (as opposed to outdoor play) with the rise in the con-
tides and antioxidants derived from blueberry extract to dition. Doctors recommend that we have short bursts of
diminish dark circles, reduce puffiness and fine lines, and sun-exposure at times when the sun is less strong (before 11am
strengthen capillary walls. The third comes in the form of and after 3pm) to help with our body’s vitamin D production.
Mineral Eye UV Defense SPF30, £26, which offers top-notch Additionally, a study by Harvard scientists concluded that
sun-protection thanks to mineral filters that block out UVA sunlight prompts the body to produce endorphins, making it
and UVB. Sheer in colour, you’ll find it won’t interfere with essential for lifting our mood – I, for one, know I feel so much
make-up, which, if you’re anything like me, will be a good thing happier when the sun is shining. Alongside improvements in
– I’ve regularly gone without protection on my eyes, unless I’m mood, sunlight influences our biological rhythms, from body
on holiday, for fear that my eye make-up won’t stay put. temperature to sleep cycles, too. There is good reason to both
As staying power becomes more of a concern, pioneering love and fear the sun – but balancing the light with the dark
formulations that ensure SPF won’t budge are becoming more will ensure your health from sunrise to sunset.

102 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
 GOOD THOUGHTS

“If I were mayor, I’d invite everyone to have free boat trips
on the river and free balloon rides over the city”
JANE BIRKIN
PHOTOGRAPH: GALLERYSTOCK
the boost } wellbeing
MIND OVER
MATTER
What if your very real symptoms – migraines, pains, even seizures – were the
signs not of a physical illness, but of emotional distress? Anita Chaudhuri
talks to neurologist Dr Suzanne O’Sullivan about psychosomatic disorders
W
photographs: guillaume reynaud/folio-id
e’ve all experienced situations where an
overactive mind has wreaked havoc on
our bodies, be it the dry-mouthed adren-
alin rush before public speaking, a blush-
ing, awkward dinner with a date or the
inability to stem tears while watching a weepie on TV. But
what happens when this mind-body connection gets so over-
loaded that it results in debilitating physical symptoms, from
chronic fatigue, headaches and nagging
pain, to more dramatic conditions such
as seizures and paralysis for which no Psychosomatic
medical cause can be discerned?
Suzanne O’Sullivan is a neurologist
disorders are
who began her medical career special- physical symptoms
ising in epilepsy. It became apparent to that mask emotional
her that non-epileptic seizures, known
as ‘dissociative seizures’, accounted for distress”
one in five patients in her clinic. As she
gained more experience, she began to explore so-called psy-
chosomatic illness more deeply, and has now written a reveal-
ing book on the subject It’s All In Your Head: True Stories Of
Imaginary Illness (Chatto & Windus, £16.99).
Psychosomatic disorders are physical symptoms that
mask emotional distress. A World Health Organisation Study
in 1997 found that as many as 20 per cent of people had at least
six medically unexplained symptoms. The Diagnostic And
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the psychiatrist’s bible
104 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
when it comes to diagnosis, does not include the term ‘psycho-
somatic illness’, preferring Somatic Symptom Disorder.
There is a big difference between somatisation and Somatic
Symptom Disorder, however. Somatisation is when a person
has physical symptoms in response to stress or emotions. ‘We
all somatise at times; it’s normal,’ explains O’Sullivan. ‘After
a hard day at work, it wouldn’t be unusual to have a headache.
Personally, if something anxiety-provoking is coming up, I
tend to feel dizzy. Another person might
get palpitations or an upset stomach
before a big day.’ Where things get
tricky is if you don’t move on from this
and instead become obsessive or anx-
ious about the symptoms. ‘A somatising
disorder has to result in significant dis-
ability and affect your life so you start
accommodating that symptom.’
Such symptoms can affect any part
of the body. ‘The behaviour surrounding the symptom is key,
not the symptom itself. The two most common psychoso-
matic symptoms are fatigue and pain. They are difficult symp-
toms to assess because they cannot be objectively measured,
they can only be described. But it isn’t enough just to experi-
ence pain or fatigue; what is important is that the person is
disabled by it and it is medically unexplained.’
In her book, O’Sullivan describes case studies including a
man who experiences paralysis on his right side after he >>>
the boost } wellbeing

M A R C H 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 105
 the boost } wellbeing
>>> noticed a lump on the right side of his head and was convinced
he had a brain tumour. Another man who was convinced he
had MS was forced to give up work and be confined to a wheel-
chair, and a woman became blind overnight, although no
nerve damage to her eyes could be detected. In every case, the
cause was not disease, but the attempt of the subconscious
mind to keep the person safe from emotional upset.
PHYSICAL RESPONSES
‘I’ve met people whose sadness is so overwhelming that they
cannot bear to feel it. In its place, they develop physical disa-
bilities. Against all logic, people’s subconscious selves choose
to be crippled by convulsions or be wheelchair-bound, rather
than experience the anguish inside them,’ O’Sullivan says.
So what might typically trigger this type of physical
response? ‘Often there isn’t a single cause; it’s more an accu-
mulation of little things – things that make you feel trapped
and that you can’t escape, such as a bad marriage, children
not performing at school or the fear of losing your job. In a
large percentage of people, we never identify a clear cause.’
In cases such as chronic pain or fatigue, the cause may be
behavioural. If you grew up in a family
where attention is paid to every minor
ache and pain, that might have an impact.
‘Or it might be psychosocial. Illness can distressed to be told,
‘it’s all in the mind,’
sometimes be a better way of explaining
failure, marriage breakdown and difficul-
ties in life than alternative explanations. but it should be
For others, they may experience social
anxiety and illness gives them an excuse
not to face these social difficulties.’
In more extreme situations, like dissociative seizures or
paralysis where people have become suddenly disabled, there
tends to have been major trauma, sexual abuse or the sudden
loss of a loved one. One of the most shocking stories in the
book concerns a woman who suddenly started having sei-
zures. It emerged that these were triggered by a tragic acci-
dent involving the loss of her young son years earlier.
Unlike other medical specialities that have a high volume
of patients with unexplained symptoms (rheumatology and
gynaecology for example), neurologists are uniquely
equipped to measure symptoms objectively. ‘If someone
complains of weakness in their legs and if that condition is
due to brain disease, not every muscle in the leg will be weak;
it takes on a pattern that the subconscious mind is not able to
reproduce. Also, if someone is unable to move their legs, but
then I test their reflexes and they are normal… well, I know
our reflexes are not open to subconscious influences. This
helps us to assess what’s going on,’ says O’Sullivan. This is
very different to, say, a patient describing degrees of pain to a
rheumatologist. Pain can’t be measured; only the individual
106 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
can report how much pain they are in. But a neurologist can
run tests on the nervous system.
To illustrate how ingenious, yet ultimately limited, the
subconscious mind is, O’Sullivan talks about the man with a
‘brain tumour’ on his right hand side. Alas the man – or rather
the man’s subconscious – did not know that the right side of
the brain controls the left side of the body. ‘The illness a per-
son manifests is the illness they can imagine, because that’s
all they know. The subconscious can’t reproduce accurate
organic signs because it doesn’t know what they are.’
O’Sullivan describes a number of cases involving dissoci-
ative seizures, an area where technological advances via the
field of video telemetry can monitor brain activity during
a seizure. ‘Quite simply you can’t be unconscious and have a
normal waking EEG [test for electrical activity in brain], so
this is a very reliable test. It’s incontrovertible evidence.’
Frequently, patients are distressed to be told the cause of
their symptoms is psychological and refuse to see a psychia-
trist or psychologist. In many cases, after such diagnosis,
their symptoms travel around the body, known as the ‘cha-
meleon’ effect; as soon as one diagnosis is ruled out, the first
complaint will magically disappear
only to be replaced by a new ailment.
Patients can be ‘It’s another form of denial,’ says
O’Sullivan. ‘If I provide evidence that
your seizures are not due to epilepsy,
particularly when a patient has a
transient illness caused by a problem
a relief” that doesn’t relate to major trauma,
symptoms will move around the
body. Many people I see will have a
longstanding history of medically unexplained problems
such as chronic fatigue or Irritable Bowel Syndrome.’
PARTICULARLY FEMALE
Interestingly, more than 70 per cent of patients with dissoci-
ative seizure or chronic fatigue are female. O’Sullivan traces
this back to the ancient belief that ‘hysteria’ was a medical
condition caused by disturbances in the uterus. ‘What trig-
gers these disorders tend to be things women are more vul-
nerable to – sexual assault or being in trapped situations like
a bad marriage. Men suffer in different ways; they abuse drugs
or alcohol, or get into fights. It’s a different way of manifest-
ing distress, whereas women may turn their pain inwards.’
Modern society likes the idea that we can think ourselves
better, but not the extent to which we have the power to think
ourselves unwell. It is the unwillingness to accept a diagnosis
that makes O’Sullivan’s job difficult. ‘It should be good news,’
she says. ‘Sadly, people don’t always take it that way. But it’s a
relief because you have no underlying disease, which means
you have the potential to be better, and take back control.’
 If Ayurveda interests you too, start by working
out what your body’s own unique dosha,
or constitution, is here: balanceplan.co.uk
(the website launches on 2 April).
‘The Body Balance Diet Plan’ by Eminé
Ali Rushton (Watkins, £9.99) is out on
16 April and available for pre-order now
at amazon.co.uk

M AY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 107
Prescription skincare
without the prescription

Cetraben
A unique formula that’s helped millions manage their dry and
eczema-prone skin, proving so popular that 96% of people would
recommend it to a friend1. And now it’s available without prescription
from major retailers as well as pharmacies. So you can easily get the
same high quality care for your skin, without a visit to the doctors.
www.cetraben.co.uk

As close to your skin as you are.

Cetraben Cream patient preference study, Sept 2013
1
Always read the label

SINGULAR SCENT
It’s said that Dominique
Ropion’s Cologne,
Indélébile, for Frédéric
Malle, £155 for 100ml,
attracts passion in those
who wear it (or cross their
paths). Unforgettable.
RELEASE DATE
The intensity of modern life has proved
inspiration for the latest de-stressing
products – NEOM Intensive Stress
Relief Treatment in Real Luxury, £8,
is a nifty little rollerball that can be
applied to pressure points and inhaled
when the going gets tough.
NEOM
Intensive
Stress Relief
Treatment, £8
PHOTOGRAPH: PÅL HANSEN. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140
GIVE LIPS A FLASH OF DARING WITH REVLON ULTRA HD LIPSTICK IN 14 VIVID SHADES, £7.99
THE BOOST } wellbeing notes
THE BRIGHT SIDE
It’s time to… ‘Live Life Colourfully’ is the tagline
take a
for new luxury bodycare range,
Prismologie. Puffs of pink, blots
of blue and radical red explosions
chance
adorn the six core ranges, each with
a different scent blended by British
perfumer Ruth Mastenbrœk. From
Pink O’Clock Body Balm, £55, to
Green Epoch Bath Oil, £40, let your
On nights out with
mood dictate your colour.
schoolfriends (we were 16
at the time), my friends’
parents would give me their
daughters’ money to safeguard, trusting
me to limit drinks, prevent inebriation and
ensure that enough money was left for safe
passage home. I never let them down. I’m
the eldest of three, and was Head Girl at my
secondary school. Even my Turkish name
means ‘self-assured’ (cringe). All this has,
I suppose, shaped me into someone who
feels innately responsible for others, and
as a breadwinning mother of two, this has
never been more true.
Reading The Crossroads of Should and
BLANC’s
Must by Elle Luna (Workman, £11.99) – a Notting
treatise on the importance of pursuing the Hill outlet
calling in life that makes you most joyful
– reminds me of the call-to-action I’ve had CARTE BLANC
tattooed on my body for over 20 years: That astringent whiff you get from
carpe diem. It’s time to wake up the inner dry-cleaned clothes is ‘perc’, a toxic
dreamer, dust her down and seek out a few chemical solvent. BLANC Home,
more of those roads less travelled. which has two London outposts,
is different. No ‘perc’ here (no
toxic chemicals full-stop). Instead,
you’ll find old-fashioned artisanal
cleaning techniques, recyclable
plastic and a great household
Beauty and wellbeing director
product-refill scheme. Inspired.
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 109
 actionforcharity

women cancer
RIDE THE
NIGHT
SATURDAY 28 MAY 2016
Cycle 100km through London
at night and raise funds to
fight women’s cancers.

PLACES
For more information and to register online:

www.ridethenight.co.uk
01590 677854 LIMITED
events@actionforcharity.co.uk

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 THE BOOST } hype-free health

Office
deskercise
Is doing exercise at your
desk the answer to THE FACTS
workplace wellness?

THE HYPE
1 An American
study* on the
effects of increased
2 ‘Sitting for long
periods of time
increases anxiety

A
movement in the and depression, as it
sedentary workplace culture workplace recorded reduces the levels of
coupled with an inactive the activities of 18 feelgood hormones
commute and evenings employees who were serotonin and oxytocin,’
spent on the sofa has led wellness monitored by a device explains Olympian
experts to dub sitting as ‘the new on their belts for six and Deep Heat
smoking’. Being physically still months. With the help ambassador Toby
for long periods of time can lead to of treadmill desks and Garbett. Desk exercise
back pain, poor posture, leg cramps, wireless headsets, the allows for a break
tense muscles and Carpal Tunnel employees collectively that improves mood.
Syndrome, and also increases the
risk of obesity and cardiovascular
lost more than 150lb,
most of it in body
fat and their
3 Harry Jameson,
founder of
Jameson Fitness
disease, as it sets off a chain reaction
of physiological disturbances that cholesterol Retreats, believes that
and triglyceride beyond doing pelvic
affect metabolic health.
levels also floor exercises while
In a bid to undo the damage,
showed a seated, desk exercise
‘deskercise’ is gaining credibility.
decline. isn’t beneficial.
Adjustable desk treadmills and
‘Instead, snack
wireless phone headsets (that
healthily to fuel a
permit walking while talking) are
proper post-work
now available and recently, the fitness session.’
Chartered Society of Physiotherapy
(CSP) released six desk exercises
after a survey and a poll from the THE VERDICT
British Heart Foundation revealed
Current recommendations are phone each day, a wireless headset
that four out of 10 office employees
WORDS: PERDITA NOURIL. PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES. *MAYO CLINIC, 2007

30 minutes of exercise five times could really help – wander the

walk for less than 30 minutes a day,
only 19 per cent leave their desks to
go outside for a break, and a third of
workers are even put off going to the
toilet as they feel tied to their desks.
Office workouts seem the perfect
solution, but do they really encourage
healthier work/life habits? Or is
regular ‘deskercise’ still not enough
to combat the ill effects of the
sedentary office life?
a week to raise our heart rate. But
is desk exercise realistic? Standing
desks are not widely used, and
treadmill desks less so as they
are expensive and cumbersome.
If, however, desk exercise is
viewed as a tool to decrease the
time we spend sitting, and included
as part of a wider fitness regime,
then it has our seal of approval. If
you do spend a long time on the
corridor, or even take those calls
outside, to get the blood pumping.
And a brisk stretch every hour will
promote increased oxygenation
– do them on the way to the toilet
or water-dispenser. But deskercise
is not a suitable replacement for
a proper workout. Ultimately, our
feeling is that we all need to leave the
office to remain healthy, not spend
more time at our desks exercising.

NEXT MONTH: THE NEW CHEMICAL-FREE NAIL POLISHES – DO THEY WORK?

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 111

Happy days
Each month, Amerley Ollennu tests the latest fitness trends, delving
into the psychology of exercise to give you the tools to get and stay fit
N
ow, don’t get me wrong; I’m really
enjoying getting fit. Running for
the bus without breaking a sweat
ranks highly, as does spending more time
outdoors and smashing my progress
targets. However, for someone who has
spent a good 15 years equating fitness with
weight loss, I have found it hard to stay
motivated when my progress can’t be
measured by stepping on the scales and
seeing a decrease in the number staring
back at me. I’ve had to work
hard at staying focused and Movement
remind myself why I really needs to give you
want to get fit. It’s not about
losing weight (I don’t weigh
a sense of joy”
myself ), and it’s not about changing the
way I look (although I’m pleased with the
effects squats have had on my derrière).
For me, getting fitter is about doing
something that will help keep me healthy
mentally as well as physically.
STAY MOTIVATED
In a bid to stay motivated for all the right
reasons, I booked myself in with Audrey
Boss, co-founder of Beyond Chocolate
FUN BAG
PHOTOGRAPH: CHRIS TUBBS, ISTOCK. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140
Find ou t how you truly lov e to mov e
wit h a SoMuch More pass. For ju st
£69 a month, you can vi sit st udios,
gyms and priva te membe rs’ cl ubs to
enjoy a va riety of uplif ting cl asses.
Register at somuchmore.co.uk and enter
the discount code ‘PSYCHOLOGIES’ on the
top left of the payment form for a 14-day
free trial and 50% off your first month.
THE BO OST
(beyondchocolate.co.uk). She believes
that imposing strict rules and regulations
that are often impossible to achieve
long-term, and with no real thought given
to what you actually enjoy doing, means
failure is inevitable. ‘Movement’ is a key
word for Beyond Chocolate, because they
believe it holds none of the negative
connotations that ‘exercise’ does. For
many, exercise is linked to the idea of
altering our aesthetic – and all the hard
work that it entails.
Beyond Chocolate
advocates following
the innate sense you
have of knowing what
works for you. ‘Ask yourself, “how do I like
to move? Why do I want to move? How do
I feel when I move?” Movement needs to
give you a sense of joy,’ says Boss.
During our session, she asked me what
activities I enjoyed when I was younger,
and I recalled my love of tap-dancing.
Having never thought about going to
classes as part of an exercise regime, I was
reminded that movement you enjoy is
always worth doing – and how many
Origins Clear
Improvement
Detoxifying
Charcoal Body
Scrub, £23
} positive fitness
calories it burns is irrelevant. Boss
also asked me to come up with three
movement objectives. I decided I wanted
to feel a sense of achievement, have more
fun and do something that would help
calm my mind, too.
ONE MONTH ON...
As something I want to carry on doing for
life, it made sense that how I choose to move
should make me happy. I continued to set
new goals with personal trainer Jonathan
Lomax, went dancing with friends, tried
spinning at Virgin Active, and some
calming yoga, too. Having a varied routine
has meant I’m a lot more excited by the
fitness programme I’ve created.
Next month: Amerley talks weight training.
Follow Amerley on Instagram @amerleyo
Hey!
Holla
tote bag,
£18
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 113
 The UK’s leading supplements for women’s health
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or simply an ideal general multi-vitamin, the award winning Vitabiotics women’s range offers
comprehensive nutritional support from sensible, balanced formulae. With over 40 years’
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*Nielsen GB ScanTrack
Total Coverage 52 w/e 31 Jan 2015

Once a month, we try out
a therapy, treatment or
specialist retreat in a bid to
solve an ongoing health issue
– this month, our Dossier and
The Fix editor Ali Roff tackles
pre-menstrual syndrome
Banish my monthly PMS
THE DILEMMA
‘For me,
PMS isn’t
about
mood swings and
irritability. It’s a
monthly paralysing
bout of low self-
esteem and detail-
driven self-dislike
that affects every
area of my life’
Ali
PHOTOGRAPHS: CORBIS, PÅL HANSEN. *SURVEY CONDUCTED BY KIRA
NEXT MONTH: WE TRY REFELXOLOGY TO LOWER LEVELS OF CORTISOL (STRESS HORMONE)
THE TREATMENTS
Over the past few years, my usual PMS
symptom of manageable irritability has
transformed into a numbing self-dislike.
Each month, I find myself focusing on
small details that crush my self-esteem;
from my weight or smile lines, to my
intelligence or ability at work. I retreat
into myself and clam up. Self-destructive
thoughts demand my attention.
I was referred to Dr Cheng at London
clinic Anamaya for acupuncture, where he
reassured me that many women feel this
way; something I have realised myself
speaking to friends and colleagues since.
It seems that irritability and mood swings
are the expected, accepted symptoms, but
self-dislike is the unspoken, shameful side
of PMS that no-one wants to admit to,
even though one in three women suffer
from ‘clinically significant’ PMS.*
Dr Cheng explained that my other usual
symptoms of bloating and tiredness, along
with my self-esteem problems, were
blockages. The body expends energy to
menstruate, explaining the tiredness.
‘Low esteem and self-dislike from PMS
are rooted in the imbalance of the yin and
yang,’ explains Dr Cheng. ‘Acupuncture
simply helps the body to return to normal
THE BOOST } health fi x
function and balance.’ Needles were placed
on my feet and shins to balance my kidney
and liver. More on my hands for energy, behind
my ears for calm, and on my stomach, too.
THE OUTCOME
After my first session, I expected to feel happy,
but I simply felt like myself – something I
hadn’t felt in a long time. To feel self-assured
is a great feeling; comfortable in your own skin
and in your own head. I was more articulate,
more decisive. It was fantastic.
However, a month later, my self-dislike
reared its ugly head again. Sometimes,
symptoms can get worse after a successful
treatment. This time was different though;
now my feelings were larger than life,
demanding to be heard and I had to deal with
them. ‘When the outflow of the emotion is
achieved, you will reach a better balance,
resulting in lesser symptoms or complete
elimination of them,’ said Dr Cheng.
It was a challenge to get through those few
days and face my low self-esteem. But once I
had, I felt stronger for it. Fast-forward a month
and even when I’m not pre-menstrual, I have
more courage in my convictions, I’m better at
saying no, and I’ve stopped worrying about the
small things. And this month, I just had mild,
manageable irritablilty – a big improvement.
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 115
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 The Retreat
Home i Living i Recipes i Nutrition i Travel i Books

Sleep is the
best meditation”
Dalai lama
PHOTOGRAPH: Polly Wreford. From Keep it Simple by Atlanta
Bartlett and Dave Coote (Ryland Peters & Small, £19.99)

j u LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 117
the retreat } feasting

Poached
pawpaw &
vanilla whip
Bag-baked sea bass
& black bean
mango salsa

LIVING
COLOUR
These recipes reinvent the Rum Islands with
fresher flavours and lighter flourishes
RECIPES SHIVI RAMOUTAR PHOTOGRAPHS KRIS KIRKHAM
 the retreat } feasting

M
>>> any people who are
enthusiastic about
PIñA COLADA
Caribbean food I am a little embarrassed to admit that this is
would say: to know one of my favourite drinks. The ice cream makes
Caribbean food is to it a super quick and easy alternative to a dessert
love it – the depth of spice, incomparable during the summer (and even winter) months.
flavour and vibrant ingredients. But
with her new book, Caribbean Modern, SERVES 4-6 Angostura bitters
chef and writer Shivi Ramoutar wanted l 120ml good-quality l 5 large scoops of
to reinterpret the cuisine specifically for dark rum vanilla ice cream
the home cook, and serve up something l 200ml cream of coconut
a little ‘easier’, that’s also, thankfully, l 1 50g tinned pineapple TO SERVE
full of familiar flavour. chunks, drained l crushed ice
Caribbean food has its roots in the l 100ml pineapple juice l pineapple leaves
home, and it is inherently convivial l ½ tsp ground nutmeg l maraschino cherries
– crying out for summer parties and l a few dashes of l grated nutmeg
friends packed into the garden together
– but it’s also exciting, memorable, vivid,
STEP ONE Blend together all the pina colada ingredients,
tangy and a true celebration of nature’s
except the ice cream, until smooth.
bounty. From Jerk Pulled Pork and
STEP TWO Add the ice cream and blitz for a few seconds,
Watermelon, to Passion Lime Meringue
until mixed.
Pie, these are recipes that you’ll want
STEP THREE Divide between tall cocktail glasses of
to cook again and again, because they’re
crushed ice, and decorate each glass with a couple of
surprisingly simple to prepare and
pineapple leaves, a maraschino cherry and a sprinkle
present, despite, of course, packing a
of grated nutmeg. >>>
wholly pleasing (rum) punch.

ALCOHOL-FREE
JUNGLE SMOOTHIE
I like to call this smoothie
a shh...moothie, because
it tastes like a milkshake,
masking a whole lot of
goodness. The only giveaway
is the jungle green colour.
l In a blender, blitz together 3 tablespoons of virgin

coconut oil, 125g coconut chocolate yogurt or Greek

chocolate yogurt, 700ml chilled milk (dairy or any
dairy-free milk), and 1 ripe avocado, until smooth.
Add 2 tablespoons of cocoa nibs and blend for a further
few minutes, until smooth. (The cocoa nibs will break
up into tiny pieces rather than fully dissolve.)
Psychologies readers can buy
*offer subject to availability,
offer available until 30 june

l Blend in 160g spinach, then 4 peeled and chilled

Caribbean Modern by Shivi
bananas, and add ¾ teaspoon of cinnamon and
Ramoutar (Headline, £25), for
½ teaspoon of vanilla extract.
the special price of £15, including
l Finally, add 4 teaspoons of honey to taste (you may
free UK p&p. Call 01235 827702,
prefer to use more, less or even none at all), and give
quoting reference ‘CARIBBEAN’.*
a final blitz to mix. Serve immediately (serves 4-6).

120 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
 Three
strands egg
and potato
salad

Piña colada
 the retreat } feasting

>>>
POACHED PAWPAW bag-baked sea
& VANILLA WHIP bass & black bean
I love how delicately perfumed
mango salsa
papaya (pawpaw) is. I find that This is a favourite Euro-Caribbean
poaching it in a gently spiced liquor is one of the combo, bringing together the al cartoccio (in-a-bag)
best ways to show it off in a refined, but simple method of cooking fish – which keeps it moist, is a
dessert. When the vanilla whip and poaching healthy way of cooking and locks in the flavours –
liquor combine on your spoon, the flavours are with the most divine black bean and mango salsa.
so reminiscent of a mellow spiced rum, you may
well think that someone has spiked the pan! serves 4-6 l 1 avocado, peeled,
l 3 heaped tbsp coconut oil stoned and chopped
l 800g new potatoes, sliced into 1cm cubes
Serves 4-6 FOR THE VANILLA WHIP
as thinly as possible l ½ small red onion, peeled
l 500ml freshly boiled l 2 vanilla pods, split
l 2 x 1kg sea bass, gutted and finely chopped
water in half lengthways
and scaled, rinsed l 1 garlic clove, peeled
l 200g demerara sugar l 200ml double cream
l 2 unpeeled garlic cloves, and crushed
l 5 cloves l 1 tbsp icing sugar
smashed l ½ chilli, seeded and
l 1 cinnamon stick, broken l 200g Coyo vanilla yogurt
l 2 limes, sliced finely chopped
in half (or other good-quality
l 1½ tbsp coriander leaves,
l 3 large, just ripe (not dairy-free coconut
FOR THE SALSA finely chopped
overripe or soft) papayas, yogurt, or Greek yogurt)
l 1 x 400g tin black beans, l ½ tsp cayenne pepper
peeled and cut into large l 4-6 mint sprigs,
drained and rinsed l juice of ½-1 lime
(2cm) chunks to garnish
l 1 mango, peeled, stoned and l 1 tbsp coconut oil, melted
l zest of 1 lime, plus juice
chopped into 1cm cubes and cooled
l ½ thumb-sized piece
of fresh ginger, peeled

STEP ONE Pre-heat the oven to 200°C. To make the salsa,

STEP ONE Put the boiled water in a large pan with the
sugar, cloves and cinnamon and heat on a medium heat,
stirring regularly, until the sugar has dissolved.
STEP two Turn the heat down low, add the papaya, lime
zest and juice and ginger, and poach on a gentle simmer,
ensuring that the papaya is always submerged, for about
10 minutes (allow 5 minutes if the papaya is softer and
15 minutes if it is very firm), until just tender but still
holding shape. Set the papaya mixture aside to cool to
room temperature.
STEP three To make the vanilla whip, scrape the seeds
from the vanilla pod into a bowl. Add the cream and icing
sugar and whip until soft peaks form.
STEP four In a separate bowl, take a large tablespoon of
the whipped cream and stir vigorously into the yogurt to
loosen a little. Gently fold this yogurt mixture back into
the whipped cream. Chill in the fridge until needed.
STEP five To serve, remove the cloves and cinnamon
from the poaching liquor. Divide the papaya between
individual dessert or wine glasses, spoon over some
of the poaching liquor, top with the vanilla whip, then
a sprig of mint and eat immediately.
gently toss together all the ingredients. Season and set aside.
STEP two Melt the coconut oil in a pan. Put the potato in a
large bowl and pour over the melted oil. Lay a large sheet of
foil (about 60 sq cm) on a baking tray; cover with parchment
paper the same size. Lay the potato slices on top, then bring
the edges of the parchment and foil up to make a loose bowl
around the potato; pour over any excess coconut oil.
STEP three Leaving the ‘bag’ open, put the tray in the
oven for 15 minutes, turning over the potato halfway. Score
the fish deeply in a criss-cross pattern, season both sides,
and stuff the cavity with garlic and half the lime slices. Coat
the fish with the melted coconut oil from the loose foil bowl
of potato, then place the fish on top of the potato.
STEP four Top with the remaining lime slices and bring
the parchment and foil over the fish and squeeze the edges
together to create a tightly sealed, but loose, bag. Put the
tray with the sealed bag in the oven for about 20-25
minutes, until just cooked. Remove from the oven and rest
(still in the bag) for a few minutes.
STEP five To serve, carefully remove the foil and place the
paper in a shallow dish. Loosen the paper, folding back the
sides, remove the lime slices and spoon over the salsa.

122 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
 THOUGHTS
GOOD THOUGHTS

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between

the notes and curl my back to loneliness”
MAYA ANGELOU
PHOTOGRAPH: SNAPWIRE
 THE RETREAT } nutrition notes

How to...
eat your
grains
Eve Kalinik gives
the lowdown on
grains and cereals

G
rains were once thought of as the
healthiest things to eat (and I’m
not saying they’re not), but the
recent rise in diets such as paleo, which
supports gluten-free and grain-free foods,
has caused people to question which
grains, and how much, they should eat.
It’s down to their chemical content
(more on this later), and the fact that our
pre-agriculture diets (as is the basis of
paleo), did not include any grains. Adding
to the confusion is the rise in pseudo- referred to as ‘anti-nutrients’ that can
grains or pseudo-cereals such as quinoa, give unpleasant side effects if not treated HOW TO TREAT
amaranth, buckwheat, millet and kaniwa. with the respect they deserve. YOUR GRAINS
Yes, these are still grains, but not These substances include things such Here’s what you need
necessarily as we know them. So, what’s
as saponins – a natural protector against to know when adding
different? Pseudo-grains are botanically
microbes, which can affect our stomach’s grains to your diet
different to wholegrains as they tend
own microbial balance (although kaniwa
to be related to other plants; beetroot, ● SOAK
in the case of quinoa, and rhubarb for is saponin-free); lectins – the general term
Depending on the type of
buckwheat. They also don’t contain for plant proteins, one of which is gluten,
grain, you’ll need to soak them
gluten, so are ideal for gluten-free diets, and can have similar negative side effects for different lengths of time.
as they contain different types of protein if you are sensitive; phytic acid – affecting
that may not react in individuals who are absorption and uptake of other nutrients; ● RINSE
sensitive to gluten. and enzyme inhibitors that bind to Once you have soaked your
Like their grain counterparts, enzymes and decrease their activity. grains, make sure you rinse
pseudo-cereals do contain a load of The main thing with all grains, pseudo them well to wash off all the
nutrients, but they generally tend to be or not, is preparation. Sprouting and
substances that you want
higher in protein. Quinoa, for instance, to eliminate.
soaking will help to reduce these
contains all nine essential amino acids
PHOTOGRAPH: CORBIS. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140

anti-nutrients, if not entirely negate ● ROTATION

(the building blocks of protein), which
means they can be a reliable source,
although they do have a relatively high
carbohydrate content too, so don’t just
rely on quinoa as your main protein.
But here’s where what is true for these
pseudos is also true for gluten-containing
grains: both have other substances, often
them, and make sure you get the full
nutritional benefits from your grains.
The real mantra is that moderation
is key (true for every food), and taking a
little more time over your grains will make
your digestion happier in the long run.
evekalinik.com
It’s crucial that you don’t rely
on just one source of grain
that you typically eat every
day. As a general guide, rotate
every three days to avoid your
body building up intolerances.

THIS MONTH, PSYCHOLOGIES IS TRYING THE LOW-GI AND FOS-RICH YACON SYRUP, £25.99, AS AN ALTERNATIVE SWEETENER

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 125
 edited by LAUREN HADDEn PHOTOGRAPHs SIMON BROWN

A stack of cut logs

creates a rich textural
wall in this snug.
Antique leather
armchairs contrast
well with airy cherry
blossom lights and
floral cushions

126 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 2 0 1 5
 the retreat } living

clever
contrasts
A genuinely holistic home is one that allows contrasts
to exist together and create a harmonious whole
EDITED BY LAUREN HADDEN PHOTOGRAPHS POLLY WREFORD

Despite the high

ceiling, this space
doesn’t feel cold –
the wood-burning
stove, darker
accents and relaxed
furniture are used
to add warmth
the retreat } living

Natural wood and

chunky textures
create a welcoming
mood. Rough sawn
logs and corrugated
iron clad the walls of
this charming cabin,
while floral cushions
and nostalgic wall
art prevent it from
being too sombre

128 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 5
 the
the
retreat } living
retreat } living

A
uthors of new book Keep It
Simple (Ryland Peters & Small,
£19.99), stylist Atlanta Bartlett
and designer Dave Coote say,
‘the biggest influence of all is each other, as
our differences set us off in new directions.
Yin and yang, rough with smooth, feminine
and masculine, utility with glamour, nature
versus man-made. These are the building
blocks of our design philosophy’.
In their new book, they make dynamic
use of these contrasts to show interiors
that eschew fashion. Instead, they extol
the delights of their three ‘golden bywords’:
function, longevity and self-expression.
Keep these in mind when planning your
home, they say, and simplicity will follow. >>>

A simple
workbench is the
main focus in this
painter’s retreat.
Works in progress
are pinned
Keep the colour
casually to the
palette strong
wall, while linen
and simple – this
curtains at the
will enable you
window help to
to mix pieces
control the light
from different
on sunny days
styles and eras
successfully

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 129
THE BOOST } living

Visual storytelling
comes into its own
in the bathroom.
A seemingly This
bohemian
wooden cabin takes
mix of objects is linked
a
by‘rustic-idyll-meets-
simple, elegant
feminine-boudoir’
designs and, again,
theme to the extreme,
subtle variations of red
complete
and greenwith
(as well as
cast-iron
the primarybathtub
colours of
and crystal
yellow chandelier
and blue),
offering
a subtle, almost
Christmassy warmth
 THE RETREAT } living
Artie Mirror,
£145, Loaf

Suvi carafe,
£10, Habitat

Kamo bowl
set, £39,
Urbanara

Dobbie nightie,
£59, Toast

Design Frou Frou

rules
chandelier,
White rope £115, The French
lantern, Bedroom
Soap dispenser,
£39.99, Company
£12, Habitat
Zara Home
Of three golden bywords, the first is
Botanical II chromolithograph function. ‘Many of the best designs spring
print, £17.99, Casafina
from utility and will bring a deep-rooted
integrity,’ says designer Dave Coote. Look
for a simple log basket, a linen nightdress
or pottery with free-flowing lines. Next,
longevity: ‘classic, well-made pieces
ensure timeless elegance and save you
money in the long run.’ Consider a leather
club chair that will age well, or a hand-
finished print. The third is self-expression:
‘your home is your sanctuary,’ says stylist
Nest Egg cushion,
Atlanta Bartlett, ‘so adorn it with things £47.50, Sarah
you love and that make you happy.’ We’ve Campbell Designs

fallen for Crystal Palace designer Sarah

Campbell’s life-filled cushion, with its
Bath mat, £44,
beautiful handpainted pattern. Anthropologie

Club occasional
chair, from
£795, Loaf

READER OFFER
Psychologies readers
can buy Keep It
*OFFER SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY.

Simple (Ryland Peters

FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140

& Small, £19.99) for

the special price of
£13.99, including free
Croft wood
UK p&p. To order, call
basket, £50,
John Lewis 01256 302699 and
quote the reference
‘GLR CM5’.
Natural sea
sponge, £18,
Anthropologie
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 131
 READS TO
GET LOST IN
Adventures in Colorado, the Canadian mountains, a
Dublin university and the Arctic Circle will see you
travel far and wide from your garden this month…
 the retreat } books

Tender The Mountain Can Wait

by Belinda McKeon (Picador, £14.99) by Sarah Leipciger (Tinder Press, £12.99)
Catherine and James’s friendship starts Leipciger’s prose is beautifully laconic;
in a heady rush of connection, with a striking contrast to the emotional
endless conversations about their hopes disturbance that up-ends the Berry
and aspirations in 1990s Dublin. James family in her novel. Tom is a single
wants to be an artist and Catherine is father, a huntsman, with an intense
reinventing herself at college. But things appreciation of the Canadian wilderness
become complicated when the charm of and an unexpressed love for his children.
their camaraderie becomes a seesaw of When his son goes missing, Tom heads
neediness and resilience, intensity and out in search of him, uncovering
obsession. Belinda McKeon’s second long-held misunderstandings and
novel is aptly named; a luminous study of resentments, and revealing a lifetime’s
love, with its bruises and vulnerabilities. worth of protection and sacrifice.

The Sunlit Night Our Souls At Night

by Rebecca Dinerstein by Kent Haruf (Picador, £12.99)
(Bloomsbury, £12.99) Kent Haruf died last year. If you haven’t
This oddball romance has a magnificent read his wonderful backlist, now is the
backdrop – a small island near the time to discover it. Or jump in at the
Arctic Circle where the sun never sets. end, with this last novel; a graceful story
Yasha, with his estranged mother, is of an elderly man and woman who
there to bury his father. Frances is attempt to defy convention. Widowed
escaping a family meltdown and hoping Addie gives her neighbour Louis an
to take up an art apprenticeship. Funny, unusual proposition: as their nights are
sad and sharply observed, it’s a tale of so lonely, why don’t they spend them
an unlikely relationship played out in a together? But family disapproval
Viking museum, with a supporting cast intrudes on their idyll; a melancholy
of intriguing characters. reminder that happiness can be fragile.

first page
‘Even now she can’t decide. She thinks about flipping a coin. Heads she goes; tails she stays.’
From Judy Blume’s adult novel ‘In The Unlikely Event’ (Picador, £16.99), out 4 June.

The book that MADE me by author Karen Joy Fowler

“There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in”
Graham Greene
‘When I was eight, I took a book from my parents’ shelves. The cover was plain black,
photographs: plain picture, beth gwinn

with the title on the spine: The Black Book of Polish Jewry. Inside were pictures from
the concentration camps. I couldn’t imagine what I was looking at and had to ask
book reviews: eithne farry.

my mother to explain. It’s no exaggeration to say that I lived in one world when she
started and a different one when she finished. I was angry with my parents. I felt they
had lied to me; allowing me to believe in the better world I’d thought we lived in. I have
never completely recovered. Much of my writing has been, and still is, fuelled by the
shock of that moment and the loss of that better world.’
Karen’s first novel ‘Sister Noon’ (Serpent’s Tail, £7.99) has just been reissued and is out now.

J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 133
the retreat } travel
R
elaxing on a hotel roof in Santiago, I’m
reading Chilean poet Pablo Neruda,
flanked by his mountains, bound
tomorrow for Patagonia and a cruise
through its glacial channels, the Strait of Magellan
and the Beagle Channel to Cape Horn and Neruda’s
Southern Ocean ‘of emaciated salt and imperilled
throat’. I have passed the day hazily, shaking off a
long flight and a visit to Cerro San Cristobal, the
second-highest point in the city.
There’s a man from Punta Arenas, at the
southernmost point of the South American
continent, who’s lived for almost a year with his
family at the end of the world in the only dwelling
there. They operate the lighthouse. I’d like to feel
134 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
their solitude and that ‘solitary region’ of which
Neruda writes. I wonder if it will be possible on a
commercial cruise liner. I look forward to land and
sea free from human influence and presence. When
I expressed this to my wife, she gave me that half-
smile she does when I talk about getting rid of the
TV or paring down the front room clutter. I’m a
Luddite; happy when elusive, elemental pleasures
can be sensed over the fuss.
Between social media and our waves of clatter
in the air, we’re rarely without contact from
‘friends’ and loved ones. We lose the exquisite
experience of missing somebody. Tomorrow I sail
from the reach of these waves into those that don’t
hum with chat, and my phone will turn back into >>>
Homage to
Patagonia
True escape in the digital age means going further afield,
where your phone can’t follow you. Paul Rushton boards
one of the only cruise ships permitted into the lonely, glacial
waters of the region of Patagonia in South America
 the retreat } travel
>>> a pumpkin. I’m glad. When travelling, I
want to be transported.
Thankfully, there are still some places
that don’t run on our timelines and
Patagonia is one of them. The region’s
beauty is washed and protected by its
defiance and unpredictability. It has
largely defied human efforts to shape it
and there are still vast areas unexplored,
with only one commercial means by
which to traverse its straits. We set sail
on the Stella Australis, one of only two
vessels that can bring passengers here.
Threatened beauty
Patagonia is as pristine as you could
imagine. One of its national parks,
Torres Del Paine, was recently declared
to be the eighth wonder of the world. But
the cost of human progress can be
experienced here in a less abstract way
than in our cities. It’s experienced in sad,
direct ways; in the disproportionate
retreating of the glaciers, a quicker
suntan under the man-shaped hole in
the ozone layer, or in the last remaining
Yamana Indian, a woman named
Cristina, who lives in Puerto Williams.
It’s gratifying to find that both
Australis and the Chilean and Argentine
governments are aware of this unique
point in time at which we are able to see
Patagonia. Yes, clearly this is tourism,
but, happily, it is also education and
conservation. The crew, expedition
leaders and guides speak proudly and
passionately about their land and
history and are united in dedication to
its preservation and exploration. I’m
aware of how privileged I am to
experience Patagonia as it is right now;
still unspoilt but threatened.
The night before I leave for Cape
Horn, half of its great albatross
monument will be blown away in 120-
knot winds. In the Darwin Lounge of our
vessel, our Martinis are overlooked by a
large map marked with shipwrecks.
The Stella Australis is comfortable
and communal. Fresh, well-prepared
136 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J ULY 2 0 1 5
food and drink is included; seafood and
steak, king crab and palm hearts, and a
well-stocked bar. There is cruise-ship
entertainment – karaoke, bingo –
tongue-in-cheek and unabashed enough
to add to the general spirit of generosity.
There are true luxuries as well: the
large windows of our cabins and lounges,
and the breath-rescinding landscapes
they frame. My curtains stay open.
There is nobody out there, only snows in
the grikes of the Darwin Mountains and
drowsy ice floes. There is no phone
signal here, and no news. There are
presentations on Tierra del Fuego and
glaciology, eloquently rendered and
enlightening. Then, we get to walk the
land and flit the waters.
The region’s
beauty is washed
and protected by
its defiance and
unpredictability”
On my first morning, we disembark
in Ainsworth Bay, Alberto de Agostini
National Park. We take to the Zodiac
inflatable boats, we take the freeze into
our sinuses. We walk the rocky shores
and beached glacial ice and hike the
moraine hills. We spot elephant seals on
a nearby islet and a grey fox under blue
skies and sunshine. We take in the
glimmering Marinelli Glacier, which has
retreated 50km in the last century.
When we disembark in the afternoon
for the Tucker Islets, we’re met by
driving, brittle rain and bottle-green
water under the clouds. Our boats skit in
the waves by colonies of Magellanic
penguins, and rock and king cormorants,
while skuas and petrels cycle above, and
a pod of dolphins tails our boat.
During the night, we feel the ocean’s
might: rolling skies and waves reaching
for the upper decks. There’s something
newly pendulous about my cabin. It’s
fun; a reminder that a comfortable ship
can still be thrown about a bit.
Soul retrieval
In the morning, I join fellow passengers
for coffee before breakfast. We stand on
the deck and hear a rumbling somewhere
along the Ballerno Channel and see the
shredding of ancient ice.
In the afternoon, we take to the boats
again to experience Pia Glacier, its sheer
ice cascade and fallen floes. We hike the
moraine and turn about the spectacular
panorama where the only visible human
trace is our own anchored ship in the
distance. Overnight, we approach the
open ocean again. Wind and swell are yet
to determine whether or not we will
walk on Cape Horn; the southernmost
inhabited place on Earth. The elements
allow and we leave early. We witness the
albatross sculpture whose wing was, last
night, broken and blown away. We walk
among the hardiest grasses, stunted
trees and flailing gulls and carancha. We
visit the family in the only dwelling on
the Cape. They have TV via satellite, but
I don’t hold it against them.
For our last excursion in Wulaia Bay,
I hike through swatches of the world’s
most southerly forests, which reveal the
devastation visited on them by Canadian
beavers introduced for pelt. The seasons
overlap; snow on rain on sun. Condors
scan the beaches, while king crabs burn
red through the clear shallows.
Tomorrow, we leave the ship at the
Argentinian port of Ushuaia. Life will
speed up again as we make for the airport
in Buenos Aires, away from ancient
pHOTOGRAPHS: christian goupi/alamy, corbis,
landscape on a slow, unselfish timeline
that we’d do well to understand: glacial
pace with no time for momentary settlers.
I feel lucky to glimpse it; to learn to tread
lightly so as not to be the ‘big feet’ in the
naming of this place that I’ve relished,
robert harding
where cruise operators conserve as they
go and monuments are blown from the
rocks by the sheer force of nature.

Clockwise from top left:
A cormorant flies alongside the
Stella Australis in the Beagle
Channel, sunset at Cape Horn, an
inflatable boat leaves the Stella
Australis, Magellanic penguins, a
glacier in the Magellan Straits
glacial glory
l The four-night Punta Arenas-
Ushuaia trip on the Stella Australis
costs from $1,440 (£917) including
accommodation, sea transportation,
all meals, open bar on board, ship-
to-shore excursions and on-board
entertainment. Departures are
from September to April each year.
For more information and to book,
see australis.com.
l Flights with LAN (lan.com) and
TAM Airlines (tam.com.br), part of
LATAM Airlines Group, start from
£1,025 return, including all taxes. This
includes outbound flights from London
Heathrow to Santiago, returning from
Buenos Aires to Heathrow, both via
Sao Paulo with TAM Airlines, and
internal flights from Santiago to Punta
Arenas and Ushuaia to Buenos Aires
with LAN Airlines.
l Overnight stays in a Park Deluxe
King start from $530 (£338) at the
Palacio Duhau Park Hyatt, Buenos
Aires. To book, see park.hyatt.com.
l Overnight stays in a king room at the
W Hotel, Santiago, start from £204 per
night. For bookings, see whotels.com.
l Horse rides, gaucho shows and
overnight stays are available at
Estancia La Bamba de Areco, near
Buenos Aires. For more information,
see labambadeareco.com.
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 137
 SKYROS Inspiration Creativity Joy

“The first and still the best”

alternative holiday
THE GUARDIAN

WWW.SKYROS.COM E: OFFICE@SKYROS.COM T: 01983 865566


Just for the weekend…
try a girls’ night in
Hectic schedules and commitments can leave little time to connect
with friends. Amerley Ollennu dedicated a weekend to the girls
YOU CAN’T CHOOSE your family, but
you can choose your friends. However, too
many of my friendships have gone from
regular catch-ups to a quick text conver-
sation and dinner every few months. This
saddens me, as my friends have inspired
me, taught me, consoled me in hard times
and been my biggest cheerleaders. So with
this in mind, I booked the ‘Girls’ Night In’
package at London’s Berkeley hotel to
enjoy a whole weekend together.
Nothing says a girls’ trip like a spa visit,
and we didn’t have to venture far to get
our pampering kicks. We enjoyed the
wonderfully rejuvenating Bamford Body
Signature Treatment. Thankfully, this
hotel’s health club and spa isn’t overly
pious. We ate and drank aplenty, while
catching up on our sun-loungers in the
lush indoor garden, while the sun shone
FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140
above London’s only rooftop pool.
As the sun set, we retired to our suite
and were welcomed by panoramic views
FOR SAILING WITH A DIFFERENCE, BOOK YOURSELF ON TO THE FLOATING WELLNESS RETREAT AT DREAMORTWOSAILING.CO.UK
THE RETREAT } travel
Relax and renew
old friendships
in the beautiful
Berkeley hotel
A TRAVELLER’S
BEST FRIEND
Be prepared for every eventuality
of the city along with some ‘Girls’ Night
with these useful travel buys
In’ goodies, from Benefit cosmetics and
personalised sleep masks, to ice cream
and popcorn. But before we hunkered
down for the night, we headed to The Blue
Bar for some imaginative cocktails – the
floral elixir Violeta was among my favou-
rites. We followed this with dinner at
French brassière Koffmann’s where the
staff, like everyone else we encountered
Bamford Botanic
at the hotel, were warm and welcoming. Nurture Balm, £22
The wine and food flowed, as did the laughs
as we basked in each other’s company.
Later, back at the suite, we toasted our
friendship with a clink of our spoons as
we indulged in a little more dessert before
pulling on our personalised eye masks
and chatting until we dozed off. After the
success of our weekend, we’ve decided to
schedule in more quality time together,
because good friends are hard to find.
The ‘Girls’ Night In’ package costs from £630 per SewLomax Airplane
SOS Kit, £30
night, including English breakfast for two people,
see the-berkeley.co.uk
J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 139
 Stockists
Find out where to buy the products featured in this month’s issue

A Graham & Green

grahamandgreen.co.uk
Selfridges selfridges.com
2nd Day day.dk
Accessorize accessorize.com Guerlain guerlain.com SewLomax emmalomax.com
Anthropologie
anthropologie.eu
H T
B Habitat habitat.co.uk
Hey! Holla
Toast toa.st

Bamford
bamford.co.uk
hipandhealthy.com
U
BLANC Home
blanchome.com J Urbanara urbanara.co.uk

John Lewis johnlewis.com

V
C Juicy Couture
juicycouture.com Vilhelm Parfumerie
Casafina casafina.com liberty.co.uk
Clinique clinique.co.uk
L
The Contemporary Home
tch.net Loaf loaf.com W
Whistles whistles.com

D M
Dagmar Monsoon monsoon.co.uk Y
houseofdagmar.se Yacon Syrup
Debenhams
debenhams.com N healthspark.co.uk

Dominique Ropion
liberty.co.uk
Neom neomorganics.com
Z
Dorothy Perkins
dorothyperkins.com O Zara zara.com
Zara Home
Origins origins.co.uk zarahome.com

E
East east.co.uk P
Prismologie spacenk.com

F R
Farfetch farfetch.com
The French Bedroom Revlon boots.com
Company frenchbedroom
company.co.uk
S
G Sarah Campbell Designs
sarahcampbelldesigns.com
Givenchy givenchy.com Scentered scentered.me

140 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
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142 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
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J U LY 2 0 1 5 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 143
PSYC H O LO G I ES c l a s s i f i e d d i re c to r y
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SALLY BRAMPTON

Wake up and
smell the roses
THERE ARE TWO things that make me happy:
gardening and helping others. It’s not that I rush
around looking for little old ladies to manhandle
across the road (one verbally walloped me the other
day for impertinence. Obviously, she was younger
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to happiness: showing gratitude and helping others.
We all have our own versions of showing kindness
to strangers. Mine is to help anyone struggling with
a pushchair. Wrestling with the labyrinthine system
of the London Underground with a toddler and a
buggy requires urgent and immediate help, not to
mention a degree from Harvard in multi-tasking.
I count my blessings that I no longer have a toddler
with octopus hands that stick like Velcro. Really,
mine was a shocker. Now she strides into the
distance with me toddling behind her and is amused
when I finally catch up. Ungrateful wretch.
Anyway, gardening is my passion and has been
for a very long time, even back in the days when only
ladies with a violet-blue rinse were allowed in the
rose garden. At the time, I was the editor of Elle
magazine. Every year, the staff begged me to allow
them to buy me a Chanel handbag for my birthday,
but I only wanted garden equipment, which caused
a flounce of designer labels and cries that I was
desperately uncool. And so I am, pottering along
happily, without a Chanel bag.
before she died. If you want to see the beauty
of human kindness, visit a hospice.
So, once a week, I turn up with my trusty trowel,
but now that we are amid the swooning delights
of an English summer garden in full bloom, I am
given the task of setting up plant stalls at open
gardens to raise money for charity – and at liberty
to wander around private gardens that, otherwise,
would be hidden from view. I get to count my
blessings, in flowers, and help other people at the
same time. It’s so perfect, it verges on selfishness.
Gratitude and kindness are such simple acts,
but we forget them all too easily, caught up in the
negative stress of life, and are too busy to offer a
helping hand. The irony is that the more stressed
and busy we are, the unhappier we become. Life
shrinks to a narrow corridor. Sometimes mine
becomes so restricted, I am like Alice in
Wonderland, trying to fit myself into a space so
small that I can scarcely breathe. I have long
known about the emotional impact of happy
virtue, and have read every book about the science
of happiness, but do I remember to practise it?
Rarely, which is foolish when you consider that
help is so close at hand.
It needn’t be big things either; small gestures
are equally, if not more important. It only takes
a moment to stop and reflect on the good things
in our lives; a moment to offer up our seat to a
PHOTOGRAPH: JENNY LEWIS

Recently, I heard that my local hospice stranger more in need than we are. If I
was looking for garden volunteers. I have Sally Brampton is a bury my head in a newspaper and pretend
journalist, agony aunt,
great fondness for hospices, and this and author of ‘Shoot not to notice, a sour regret lingers all day.
one is particularly high in my affections The Damn Dog: A Which is why, when I stop to smell the
Memoir Of Depression’
because they looked after a dear friend (Bloomsbury, £7.99) roses, I feel good in almost every way.

146 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 5
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