PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.

UK
FEELING SCARED & LOST? FIND FRIENDSHIP, HOPE & COMFORT UK EDITION

JUNE 2020 ●
£ 4 .70

LOVE Create
EACH a home
OTHER retreat
Build your
AGAIN strength
Reset and
reconnect ‘I FEEL AS IF I DO
ALL THE GIVING’
LIFE SCHOOL
Time to ask for
● Deal with the what you want
jealousy of others
● How to transition
INTERVIEW
to a job you love
● Ways to boost your Katie
immune system
Piper
14-PAGE WE CAN ALL
DOSSIER LEARN TO BE
RESILIENT

SIMPLIFY
YOUR LIFE
Focus on what matters, discover more meaning
The anxiety-free way to let go of clutter
 Iron contributes to the reduction
of tiredness and fatigue

• No preservatives, colouurings or artificial flavourings

• Non constipating liquidd formula
• Highly absorbable iron gluconate
• Vitamin C to increase iron absorption
• Suitable for vegetarians
• Suitable during pregnaancy and breastfeeding

Tesco, Pharmacies and health stores

Subject to availability www.floradix.co.uk
 Contents
J UNE 2020

Page
5

Page Page
Regulars
20 78

7 EDITOR’S LET TER

Page
38
Page
8 LET TERS
28 Page

Page
16
9 I’D LIKE TO THANK …
24

Page Page 11 THE FIX

72 48

98 PEMA CHÖDRÖN

Cover: Kate Martin

16 * Interview
* COVER STORY

SUBSCRIBE
TODAY!
INSTAN
T
DIGITASL!
ACCES
SAVE 35%
Pay just £19.99 for 6
issues – print AND
digital versions!
Benefit from life-changing
tools, mind hacks and advice
from top experts, plus free
membership of the Life Leap
Club – an exclusive coaching
club with a supportive online
community. Subscribe today
and let ‘Psychologies’ be
your beacon of light, hope
and inspiration. See page 62
KATIE
PIPER
“Make sure
you celebrate
the small
wins in life”
48
48 * The Dossier
Features
20 * REKINDLE YOUR LOVE
Simplify
Rachel Garnett turns detective,
looks for clues from the past and your life…
reconnects with her partner
24 * WORKS FOR ME!
focus on what matters
Samantha Clarke on how to change
50 FREEDOM IN MINIMALISM
course and find professional satisfaction
Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker had a radical
28 *‘MY FRIEND’S JEALOUSY declutter when she moved onto a tiny canal
IS SPOILING OUR RELATIONSHIP’ boat. Finding clarity beyond the chaos, she
Our wise agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, caught sight of her long-held dreams
gives her unique perspective to three
56 ‘MY STUFF EMBODIES MY LIFE’
readers with dilemmas
Some possessions are priceless, writes
31 MY SLOW YEAR Eleni Kyriacou, who finds joy and her sense of
An anxious Suzy Walker comes face identity in the tangible symbols of her past
to face with her inner control freak
58 PSYCHOLOGY OF DECLUTTERING
32 EQUINE THERAPY Take our test by psychologist Sally Brown
Everything was going wrong for to learn how to reorder your mental space
Kate Johnson – but caring for a horse
opened her eyes to what she deserved

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 3
Contents
J UNE 2020

Features
36 SHARED VALUES
The passions and principles
of DJ and author Katie Thistleton
38 * ‘ALL I DO IS GIVE’
Coach Kim Morgan mentors
a woman who always puts
herself last and is exhausted
40 HOW TO BE A
GOOD LISTENER
Samaritan Cerys Evans
shares her advice
45 DO YOU FEEL LIKE
AN OUTSIDER?
Lucy Griffiths’ life-changing
tactics on womanning up!
32 78
Real Eco
66 RE AL ECO AWARDS:
78 * RETREAT AT HOME
Healing practices from the
world’s leading wellbeing hosts
20
CONSCIOUS COFFEE
Great products with
green credentials
The Retreat
84 SOUNDS GOOD
69 ECO WORRIER Tune in to adventure with
Ellen Tout’s food-sharing tips podcast fan Rachel Dobson
88 BIG NIGHT IN
Real Wellness Wholesome home cooking
72 MINDFUL WELLNESS with international flavour
*
A frank and fresh perspective 94 THE WORDS
to revolutionise your health Comfort and escape
holistically with Ali Roff Farrar between the pages

ORDER OUR NEXT ISSUE NOW AND GET FREE DELIVERY DIRECTLY TO YOUR DOOR

Can’t get to the shops?

ORDER Our July issue teaches you how to adapt and thrive in difficult times. Our

NOW! ly issue
anti-anxiety guide and lessons from lockdown help you plan the future, plus regain
confidence if you’ve lost your job. Missed an issue? Order at buff.ly/2xWhgRt
FOR FULL TS&CS, SEE PAGE 93

Have the Juto your

delivered
no rmal
door for the
shop price*
Order online at SHOP.KELSEY.CO.UK/PSYJUL20
Call now on 01959 543747 Quote ref: PSYJUL20
Order by 22 May and your copy will be posted to you. It should arrive by Friday, 5 June
*

4 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
Don’t feel alone…
Reach out to others
Join our free online support group today

We have created a wonderful

‘Psychologies’ Connected Community
group on Facebook to spread kindness,
not fear. Join us and feel the love, humour
and camaraderie. ‘Psychologies’ is the
UK’s biggest and bestselling mindful living magazine
and the ‘Psychologies’ Connected Community group
aims to support and connect all our readers, their
friends and family throughout this difficult time.

Editor-in-Chief,
Psychologies
JOIN US!
● Daily inspirational and uplifting content
● 1pm live broadcasts with top experts,
columnists, coaches and therapists
● How to homeschool your kids and stay sane

● How to create positive, healthy and happy habits

in uncertain and unsettling times

● Learn to be resilient, resourceful and courageous

● Take the opportunity to connect with the

Psychologies team and our amazing ambassadors

● Access free online events, courses and webinars

● Your place to feel safe, boosted and connected

to your tribe of Psychologies readers and friends

JOIN US TODAY: facebook.com/groups/

psychologieslifelabs
 Kelsey Publishing Ltd, The Granary, Downs Court,
Yalding Hill, Yalding, Kent ME18 6AL
(01959 541444, email letters@psychologies.co.uk) CONTRIBUTORS

OUR TEAM Meet three of the people who have taken part
Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker in the creation of Psychologies
Design Director Lynne Lanning
Creative Director Laura Doherty
Features Director Elizabeth Heathcote
Production Editor Vee Sey Lucy Griffiths
Deputy Production Editor Leona Gerrard Coach and journalist
Associate Editor Anita Chaudhuri
Lucy is a coach and journalist who helps people get
Wellness Director Ali Roff Farrar
Eco Living Editor, Features Writer and Digital Editor Ellen Tout the confidence to find their voice. A self-confessed
Food and Living Editor and Eco Panel Co-ordinator Emma Coxon introvert, she was a TV news reporter for 20 years
Celebrity and Podcast Editor Rachel Dobson before training as a Barefoot coach, and combines
Contributing Editors her coaching skills with her expertise in ‘becoming
Gut Eve Kalinik Retreat Caroline Sylger Jones visible’. Read her column on page 45 and learn
Digital Katherine Weir
to ‘put yourself out there when you really want to
ADVERTISING & PRODUCTION hide’. Lucy says: ‘My column will give introverts the
TigerBee Media, Commercial Director Nikki Peterson (0782 556 1680) success strategies to navigate an extrovert’s world.’
nikki.peterson@tigerbeemedia.co.uk
Copy Production Manager Melanie Ratcliffe (01733 362701)
kelseylifestyle@atgraphicsuk.com

MANAGEMENT Gaëlle Berruel

Chief Operating Officer Phil Weeden Motivational speaker and
Chief Executive Steve Wright Psychologies ambassador
Managing Director (Lifestyle Brands & Circulation) Kevin McCormick
Gaëlle is a mindset mentor and fear expert. She is
Retail Director Steve Brown
Subscription Marketing Director Gill Lambert founder of the wellness consultancy A Rockstar
Subscription Marketing Manager Nick Mcintosh Mindset, which helps entrepreneurs to ‘become
Events Manager Kat Chappell the rock star of their life’. She is also a Psychologies
Print Production Manager Georgina Harris ambassador and contributes to our blogging
SUBSCRIPTIONS website, lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk. She says: ‘The
13 issues of Psychologies are published per annum magazine is like a treasure trove of tools to make
● UK annual subscription price: £61.10 your life more meaningful, one step at a time.’
● Europe annual subscription price: £74

● USA annual subscription price: £74

● Rest of World annual subscription price: £79

● UK subscription and back issue orderline: 01959 543747

● Overseas subscription orderline: 0044 (0) 1959 543747

Kate Johnson
● Toll-free USA subscription orderline: 1 888 777 0275
Journalist
● UK customer service team: 01959 543747; subs@kelsey.co.uk Kate is a freelance journalist. A few years ago, to her
great surprise and despite living in a third-floor flat
Find subscription offers on our website: shop.kelsey.co.uk/psy
Manage your subscription online shop.kelsey.co.uk/site/loginForm in London, she decided to take on a retired racehorse.
She writes about the experience on page 32.
DISTRIBUTION & PRINTING
● Walstead Bicester Ltd, Chaucer Business Park, Launton Rd,
‘Nothing – and no one – has had such a profound
Bicester OX26 4QZ; 01869 363333; walstead-uk.com and gentle effect on my physical, mental and
● Distribution in the UK: Marketforce (UK), 2nd Floor, 5 Churchill Place, emotional health,’ she says. ‘He’s taught me lessons
Canary Wharf, London E14 5HU; 020 3787 9001; in life and love that I couldn’t or wouldn’t learn
● Distribution in Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland: anywhere else. Plus, he corners like he’s on rails.’
Newspread; 353 23 886 3850
Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark. Copyright ©2002
GLOBAL EDITIONS
Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark and is published monthly by Kelsey Media 2020©
all rights reserved. Kelsey Media is a trading name of Kelsey Publishing Ltd. Reproduction in whole or in Groupe Psychologies, 2-8 rue Gaston-Rébuffat, 75019 Paris, France. Tel: 01 44 65 58 00
part is forbidden except with permission in writing from the publishers.
Note to contributors: articles submitted for consideration by the editor must be the original work of
PSYCHOLOGIES FRANCE PSYCHOLOGIES BELGIUM PSYCHOLOGIES RUSSIA
the author and not previously published. Where photographs are included, which are not the property
PHOTOGRAPH: TOM RAYNER

of the contributor, permission to reproduce them must have been obtained from the owner of the Editor-in-Chief: Laurence Folléa Edition Ventures, Chaussée de Hearst Shkulev Media,
copyright. The Editor cannot guarantee a personal response to all letters and emails received. The views Louvain 431D, 1830 Lasne. Tel: + 32 2 379 Psychologies Russia,
expressed in the magazine are not necessarily those of the Editor or the Publisher. Kelsey Publishing Ltd PSYCHOLOGIES ROMANIA 29 90 Editorial Director: Marie-Christine 31 b Shabolovkaya Street,
accepts no liability for products and services offered by third parties. Ringier Magazines, 6 Dimitri De Wasseige (mc.dewasseige@ventures. Moscow 115162. Tel: +7 495 981 39 10
PRIVACY NOTICE Kelsey Publishing Ltd uses a multi-layered privacy notice, giving you brief details Pompeiu Street, Bucharest. Tel: +40 212
about how we would like to use your personal information. For full details, visit kelsey.co.uk, or call be) Chief editor (French): Christiane Thiry President: Viktor Shkulev
01959 543524. If you have any questions, please ask, as submitting your details indicates your consent, 03 08 00. Managing Director: Mihnea (christiane.thiry@ventures.be) (vshkulev@hsmedia.ru)
until you choose otherwise, that we and our partners may contact you about products and services that Vasiliu (mihnea.vasiliu@ringier.ro) Chief editor (Flemish): Barbara Van den Editor-in-Chief: Xsenia Kiseleva
will be of relevance to you via direct mail, phone, email Editor-in-Chief: Iuliana Alexa (iuliana. Abeele (b.vandenabeele@ventures.be) (xkiseleva@hsmedia.ru) Publisher
or SMS. You can opt out at ANY time via email:
data.controller@kelsey.co.uk or 01959 543524.
alexa@ringier.ro) Advertising Manager: Advertising Manager: Manoëlle Sepulchre and Advertising Manager: Ekatarina
Monica Pop (monica.pop@ringier.ro) (manoelle.sepulchre@ventures.be) Kerova (ekerova@hsmedia.ru)

Get your weekly fix! WANT MORE INSPIRATION, PERSONALITY TESTS AND INVITATIONS TO LIFE-CHANGING

6 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 EDITOR’S LETTER

What really matters?

‘The mind is amazing. We can all rebuild ourselves after
trauma, be it a bad relationship, divorce or redundancy,’ says
our cover star, Katie Piper. She survived rape, an acid attack,
PTSD and countless operations to become an author, TV
presenter, podcaster and founder of a charity for burn victims.
We’re so impressed by how she walks the talk, we invited her Suzy Walker
Editor-in-Chief
to write a column about resilience for us from next month.
From building inner strength to simplifying our lives (see
our Dossier on page 48, in which I write about my epic declutter when I moved from
a three-bedroom house to a canal boat), we’re focusing on what’s truly important.
Mostly, it’s all about love. Rachel Garnett makes us laugh with her innovative plans
to reconnect with her partner (page 20) and, on page 32, Kate Johnson finds a novel
way to leave a toxic boyfriend – by falling in love with a racehorse! ‘Romantic love
left me feeling vulnerable and beholden to another,’ she says. ‘This love makes me
strong.’ We also want you to love your work. Learn how to find a job you adore on
page 24. Self-love? On page 78, Caroline Sylger Jones tells us how to create the
perfect home retreat, with advice from the world’s leading wellbeing hosts.
Please look after yourselves this month. We’re
here by your side, and sending all our love.

SUBSCRIBE TODAY AND GET INSTANT DIGITAL ACCESS

Pay just £19.99 for 6 issues - print
AND digital versions, saving 35%
Subscribe now and receive both print and digital versions of ‘Psychologies’, plus
PHOTOGRAPH: LAURA RICHARDSON

subscriber offers and discounts, free delivery, opportunities to talk to the experts
and membership of the Life Leap Club, unlocking exclusive coaching content!

T Order online at SHOP.KELSEY.CO.UK/PSYJUL20

INSTAN
DIGIT SL!
A Call now on 01959 543747 Quote ref: PSYJUL20
ACCES Order by 22 May and your copy will be posted to you. It should arrive by Friday, 5 June

EVENTS? SIGN UP FOR OUR FREE NEWSLETTER – DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR INBOX! GO TO bit.ly/2KN0B8z

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 7
Viewpoint
Send your letters to letters@psychologies.co.uk and tell
us what you love about our magazine. You could win a
copy of our special edition bookazine Find Your Calm

Star WOW WOMEN

letter I was thrilled to see that you opened The Fix pages of the
April issue with a paragraph about fierce mythological
women. It is fabulous to see strong women celebrated in mythology,
when in our culture we typically read fairy tales in which women and
girls are warned about straying from the path laid by men (Little Red
Riding Hood), and in which their ambition is to marry a man in order
to be saved from their situation (Cinderella). I’ll certainly be buying
Kate Hodges’ book about these women. Debbie
‘Warriors, Witches, Women’ by Kate Hodges (White Lion Publishing, £18.99)

Share with us…

Share your photos and comments on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine,
or tweet us @PsychologiesMag, both using #PsychologiesMagazine

@LJR_eidyia: Good advice RIGHT

for anyone negotiating #WFH @_abhatiyoga_:
with their significant other in the I love being an eco panellist
problem pages of the Spring for #Psychologies RealEco.
@PsychologiesMag It is such a great initiative,
shining a light on the brilliant
@jay_virdee: Just browsing companies creating beautiful
through an old @PsychologiesMag and eco-conscious products that
came across this great #quote for the balance ethics, style and
present situation: ‘Plant seeds of general gorgeousness.
And, it’s all in line with ABOVE
happiness, hope, success and love; it
will all come back to you in abundance. the yogic principles of @psychologies
This is the law of nature.’ ahimsa, or non-violence. magazine: A very
wise Jasper the cat
@Mell_Del: After a mentally has been reading
tough week in lockdown, I’m making sure RIGHT #psychologiesmagazine
I switch off from work this weekend. @livehappy simply: When with our commercial
Morning meditation and yoga complete, I feel under the weather, I turn to director @nikkifrow.
it’s time for @PsychologiesMag, followed @adrienelouise yoga videos with my Have you got your new
by comfort reading Harry Potter. #gratitude fave mag @psychologiesmagazine copy yet? #catlife

Get your weekly fix! WANT MORE INSPIRATION, PERSONALITY TESTS AND INVITATIONS TO LIFE-CHANGING

8 PSYCHOLO GIES MAGA ZINE J U NE 2020

 feedback
Letter of
gratitude
WELCOMING COMMITTEE
I cannot thank Psychologies enough. I’m soon moving
from the US to the UK and I am quite anxious about
the big change. The anxiety has been making me I’d like to thank…
feel easily irritated and depressed, but whenever

My ex-husband,
I open Psychologies, it offers me so many great
articles about building a positive mindset, including
mindfulness, joy and bravery. It is consoling me
and also giving me positive images of the UK.
It’s taken me a long time to pen this letter
I can’t wait to subscribe to the magazine as soon
as I get an address! Thank you. Haeyoung to you, and so much has happened in my life.
I’m writing to say thank you for the most
PHOTO COMPETITION precious gift anyone could ever have given
me – my daughter. You left in such a hurry
WE LIVE NEAR MACCLESFIELD FOREST while she was still in my belly that I
and enjoy going there at weekends as
struggled to come to terms with what had
a family to regroup and ground ourselves
again. We planned a night walk and were
happened. I was so angry and hurt by your
blessed with a crisp, cold evening. The actions that I missed what was most
sky was littered with stars. important in all of it – our little girl.
I’m so grateful that we can do this
She’s almost a teenager now and, although
together and have these incredible
progress is slow, I’m glad you are making an
experiences in nature. Jenni
effort to visit her. Even if we are separated
The
winner by an ocean, you are always welcome here.
So many of her traits – both positive and
negative – remind me of you.
I’m grateful for the gift of motherhood
and our wonderful daughter.
ELLEN.TOUT@PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK. LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR LENGTH AND STYLE

Colette
FOR FULL TS&CS, SEE PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK. OPEN TO UK RESIDENTS ONLY. EMAIL

This month’s gratitude

letter, star letter and
chosen photo win a
free copy of our latest
bookazine, Find Your
WOULD YOU LIKE to showcase your photographic
talent in ‘Psychologies’? What moment has made
Calm, worth £6.99!
you feel inspired, grateful or moved this month? Go to shop.kelsey.co.uk/
Capture it and tell us why. We’ll print the winner, product/BZPSYFYIC
plus you’ll receive a free copy of our latest to order a copy.
bookazine, ‘Find Your Calm’, worth £6.99.
Share your photograph with us and explain its
inspiration on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine Send your letters to
with the hashtag #PsychologiesPhoto, or email letters@psychologies.co.uk
it to letters@psychologies.co.uk
*

EVENTS? SIGN UP FOR OUR FREE NEWSLETTER – DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR INBOX! GO TO bit.ly/2KN0B8z

J U NE 2020 PSYCHOLO GIES MAGA ZINE 9

NEW! from ‘Psychologies’
IMPROVE YOUR LIFE:
FIND YOUR CALM
OUR ‘FIND YOUR CALM’ bookazine
draws on cutting-edge global research
to help you understand your brain’s
response to stress and build peace and
serenity into your everyday life.

DISCOVER:
● What does life look like when you’re calm?
● What are the obstacles standing in your way?

● How is stress affecting you right now?

Be guided by the experts:

Let the experts steer you towards the answers
you need, and start living better today.
ORDER!
Everyone knows that stress is bad for your
health, relationships, productivity and quality
TOOD A Y
of life, but how can you avoid it? This bookazine NLY
shows you how, with clear, helpful advice and
a real-world focus on the little things that
have a great impact on your day-to-day.
£6.99 INCL P&P
*

● Reset: Improve your emotional intelligence

so you’re not hijacked by doom andgloom

● Rebalance: Discover practical ways

to avoid feeling overwhelmed

● Renew: Investigate how to manage stress

● Reboot: Harness your inner power

ORDER YOUR COPY TODAY

Order online at SHOP.KELSEY.CO.UK/CALM
or call 01959 543747**and quote CALM
Please allow up to 30 days for delivery. *Price is for UK only. EUR and ROW price is £8.99. All prices include p&p.
**
Lines are open Monday to Friday, 8.30am-5.30pm. Calls are charged at your standard network rate.
For full terms and conditions, visit shop.kelsey.co.uk/terms
 The Fix
News I Reviews I Books I Film I Art I Ideas
EDITED BY ELLEN TOUT

“If you were born without wings, do

nothing to prevent them from growing
COCO CHANEL ”

For writer Melissa Mayntz, birds

have always been a source of wonder
– be that in her garden or further
afield. She says: ‘Humans have been
fascinated by bird migration for
more than 3,000 years. It is part of
ancient Polynesian legends and was
studied by Greek and Roman
ILLUSTRATION: KATY CHRISTIANSON, FROM ‘MIGRATION: EXPLORING

scholars. Even today, migration

continues to be a mysterious and
THE REMARKABLE JOURNEYS OF BIRDS’ BY MELISSA MAYNTZ

stunning spectacle.’ Her new book,

Migration (Quadrille, £12), explores
how birds make these incredible
expeditions, such as the common
emu (pictured), which undertakes
the longest migration for a flightless
species. ‘The more we explore
migration, the more we will learn
about how birds accomplish this
amazing feat and how we can help
them on their remarkable journeys.
Together, let’s fly.’

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 11
The Fix
Thought-provoking culture, creative ideas, insightful science and inspiring gifts

Framed kindness
print, £45,
MOTHER NATURE’S
artwow.co
HEALTH SERVICE
According to research** by The Wildlife
Trusts, when we have easy access to
nature, we are three times more likely
to be active, and we boost our mental
wellbeing by up to 10 per cent. The

♥
Our
charity is keen to highlight natural
approaches and the importance of social
kindness prescribing (when professionals refer
project
patients to support in the community),
which is not only good for us but great for
RAISE THE TENDERNESS, our budgets. In previous work, for every
LOWER THE TENSION £1 invested in nature projects, there was
Stress and kindness are a balancing act,
explains our kindness tsar, David Hamilton an £8.50 social return
– helping to ease
JUST LIKE A SEE-SAW,, where one side goes
poor physical
up and the other side comes down, the same,
it seems, is true for kindness and stress, health and
which are at opposite ends of their see-saw. loneliness.
Scientists at UCLA and Yale* followed people’s stress levels
and approximate number of acts of kindness
over a three-week period. They found that on
days when acts of kindness were more numerous, levels of
stress were much lower. On days when stress was highest,
on the other hand, acts of kindness were less evident.
Of course, it didn’t mean that kindness stopped stressful
things from happening, but that the feelings brought on
by kindness simply took some of the sting out of typically
stressful events. This helped to create some extra inner
resilience or a feeling of positivity that could potentially
help us to weather occasional storms and remain upbeat.

Indoor watering can,

Join ‘Psychologies’ kindness tsar, David Hamilton, live on £16.95; gardener’s
Facebook @Psychologiesmagazine for his 30-day kindness challenge, gloves, £14.95, both
next on 12 May at 1pm. For access to more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’ annabeljames.co.uk
Life Leap Club, free when you subscribe to the magazine.‘The Little Book
Of Kindness’ by David Hamilton (Octopus, £6.99) is out now

Get your weekly fix! WANT MORE INSPIRATION, PERSONALITY TESTS AND ACCESS TO EXCLUSIVE

12 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 Culture A path like no other
STRETCHING
4,500km along
the coastline, the England Coast
Path is the longest managed
BEHAVIOUR MITIGATES THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF STRESS IN EVERYDAY
LIFE, ‘CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGICAL SCIENCE’, 2016; **A NATURAL HEALTH
PHOTOGRAPH: FROM ‘THE ENGLAND COAST PATH’ BY STEPHEN
and waymarked coastal path in
NEALE (BLOOMSBURY, £18.99). *E RAPOSAL ET AL, PROSOCIAL
SERVICE, THE WILDLIFE TRUSTS, 2020; †STORYTERRACE, 2020
the world. Due to officially open
next year, many sections are
already in place, and now is the
time to dream up and plan your
own coastal journey.
But there’s no need to hike the
whole path in one go. Stephen
Neale’s new book, The England
Coast Path, is an accessible and
informative guide to 1,000 mini
adventures along the trail. The
COMPETITIONS? SIGN UP FOR OUR FREE NEWSLETTER – DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR INBOX! GO TO bit.ly/2KN0B8z
author is a path surveyor and spent
months working on and walking
the trail. In doing so, he has written
an in-depth guide to the best
1in4
BRITS BELIEVE THEIR
places for outdoor fun – from wild PERSONAL STORIES
swimming, hunting for fossils and
canoeing to listening to skylarks COULD BE MADE INTO
and finding a spot to reflect with
A BOOK OR FILM, AND
just the waves for company.
Samphire Hoe on the Strait of 81 PER CENT FEEL
Dover, Kent (pictured), is where Neale
recommends you spot butterflies
THEY ‘HAVE A BOOK IN
amid the wildflowers and sharks’ THEM’. PERHAPS NOW
teeth fossils within the chalk cliffs.
IS THE IDEAL TIME
‘The England Coast Path’ by Stephen Neale
(Bloomsbury, £18.99) is out now TO START WRITING†
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 13
the fix

GREEN IDEAS

CITY OF THE
FUTURE 51%
OF PARENTS SAY THEIR CHILDREN ARE
MORE ENGAGED WITH CURRENT AFFAIRS
Escape with this
immersive read, AND KEEN TO DISCUSS THEM COMPARED
says our Eco Living
Editor, Ellen Tout TO WHEN THEY WERE THEIR AGE. AND
FOR EIGHT IN 10, ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES
WHAT WILL OUR
WORLD look like ARE TOP OF THE LIST FOR TABLE TALK*
in 2072? A new ● Londonia by
zeitgeist novel Kate A Hardy
by emerging writer (Tartarus Press,
£35; e-book, £4.99)
Kate A Hardy imagines
just this. The ‘dyst-hopian’
tale is recounted by feisty protagonist
Hoxton, as she learns to navigate her
new and changing land following
a huge global event.
Fantastical yet believable, it also shares
hopeful messages for the future about
how we can live more simply and create
less waste – repurposing and reusing,
growing food and foraging; less immersed
in screens, and more connected to
ourselves, each other and nature.

Teapot and
cup, £12,
redcandy.co.uk

PEOPLE NEED PEOPLE

Have you experienced unexpected connections in your
community recently? Whether it’s children’s drawings
of rainbows in windows or a neighbour volunteering to
deliver food, 64 per cent of people say that Covid-19 has
brought their neighbourhood closer together. Of those,
Worried about the planet? Our Real Eco
section of the magazine, from page 65, is packed with
one in four have spoken to neighbours with whom they
information and advice. In Ellen Tout’s Eco Worrier
column on page 69, she writes about food banks and
previously had no relationship.** If you’re feeling isolated,
community fridges. For more, go to psychologies.
co.uk/real-eco and follow @ellen_tout
search for the free ‘Psychologies’ Connected Community
group on Facebook. We’re here for you.

Be an eco champion! ARE YOU KEEN TO LEARN ABOUT ETHICAL, PLASTIC-FREE PRODUCTS? THE ’PSYCHOLOGIES’
14 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 Film
of the
And Then
month We Danced
Directed by Levan Akin
Available to stream on demand
Set against the backdrop of Georgia’s deeply
traditional dance scene – considered an honoured
part of Georgian culture and identity – this
heart-warming film follows dedicated teenage
dancer Merab (Levan Gelbakhiani). Merab has
been training at the conservative National Georgian
FILM REVIEW: ELLEN TOUT. ILLUSTRATON BY KARL FITZGERALD
FROM ‘LONDONIA’ BY KATE A HARDY. *ONEPOLL AND MCCAIN
Ensemble with his partner, Mary (Ana Javakishvili),
since he was a child. Living in the capital city of
Tbilisi, his family are poor and putting food on the
2020; **ONEPOLL AND CHANNELMUM.COM, 2020
table is a daily struggle; but dancing offers Merab
escape and the dream of a career and a better life.
However, his focus and talent are tested when
rebellious Irakli (Bachi Valishvili) arrives, stealing
the spotlight. Unexpectedly, their rivalry becomes
something more as the pair draw closer together.
Beautifully shot with rare cinematic insight into
Georgian life, this coming-of-age film is a joyful way
to switch off for a while. Even better, it’s available to
stream from the comfort of your home. ET
REAL ECO AWARDS PROMOTE HONEST, GREEN BRANDS. TURN TO PAGE 66 AND GO TO PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/REAL-ECO
HACK INTO HAPPINESS
AND I’M FEELING GOOD
How do you want to feel today? Happiness coach
Kia Cannons poses a meaningful question
HAPPINESS is the most desired, and
often elusive, state of being for humans.
But how do you know what will make
you feel truly content? One overlooked
approach is to ask yourself: ‘How do
I want to feel in life?’, then tweak your
lifestyle to create moments that will
enable you to experience those feelings.
If you want to feel decadent, try reading
in bed in the middle of the day; if you’re
longing for adventure, wake up at dawn
Om ring by Me
to experience the sunrise. Remember, and Zena, £14,
happiness is not out there, it’s inside you. notonthehightstreet.com
Join Kia Cannons for our weekly ‘Do What You Love’ video series and more happy
hacks at lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk. Life Labs is a blogging platform where world-class
experts write about everything from productivity and work-life balance to improving
communication in relationships; lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk; happyhacks.libsyn.com
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 15
 Katie Piper
“The mind is amazing.
We can all rebuild after
trauma; bad relationship,
divorce or redundancy”
Psychologies’ new resilience champion and soon-to-be columnist
Katie Piper talks to Rachel Dobson about taking control of her life,
finding inner strength and how she nurtures her incredible positivity

PHOTOGRAPH KATE MARTIN

W
hatever you do, don’t call Katie
Piper inspirational; she’s too
humble for that – despite
having survived rape, an acid
attack, PTSD and too many operations to count
to become an accomplished businesswoman,
author, TV presenter, podcaster and founder
of a charity for burn victims.
The night before our Psychologies photo shoot,
I watched her first documentary, Katie: My
Beautiful Face. Filmed more than a decade ago,
while she was recovering from the acid attack
that severely burned her face and blinded her
in one eye, Katie struggled to leave the house,
checked windows to make sure they were locked
and wouldn’t answer the front door. The former
model had gone from a confident young woman
loving London life to living with her parents
on disability allowance, her possessions having
been thrown out by her landlady. Her patient,
loving family were working tirelessly to help
her heal mentally and physically.
In contrast, today I bump into Katie bounding
down a London street in her gym gear looking
fit and strong and on the hunt for a salad before
she heads to our shoot. Now the mother of two
girls aged six and two, Katie is unrecognisable
from the tortured person in the 2009
documentary – she even sounds different.
>>>
Her transformation is, well, inspirational.

16 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
interview
The interview
What would you say to the 24-year-old in the
documentary, who says: ‘I’ve got a chance to build
a life; I don’t think it’s going to be easy, but I don’t
want to be a scared little child.’
Ah, the benefit of hindsight… I’ve got nothing to say
to my younger self because everything that happened
brought me to the present – and I wouldn’t have listened
anyway! It took time for me to realise that I can rebuild,
reinvent and move forward. I started to feel confident
and learn that nothing is permanent. I began to feel
unshakeable as I healed, physically and mentally. The
mind is amazing, and we can all rebuild ourselves after
trauma, be it a bad relationship, divorce or redundancy.
Who or what kept you going during the darkest days?
My parents and doctor, and then my stubbornness. What
happened to me wasn’t a car crash or a house fire, those
men did that to me with intent; and I can’t change their
intent. [Katie was attacked by her ex Daniel Lynch and
accomplice Stefan Sylvestre.] They had a few seconds of
my life, but I’m in control of the rest. I think of my life as
a film and I’m the director. There’s a bad three-second
scene, but I’ve decided to give those actors only cameo
roles. You can do that with everything. If you go through
a divorce, acknowledge it was a painful, and then you can
write all the other scenes, the end and even a sequel.
What’s coming next in your ‘film of my life’?
You never know… I want to stay in control of my life,
body and mind, choosing to move things forward.
So much of your work is about inner beauty and
confidence, yet you always appear beautifully
groomed – is that contradictory?
People assume I’d be anti-cosmetic surgery and object
to frivolous glamour, but I don’t. Who is anyone to judge
others on their appearance? Whether they’re classed as
beautiful or not, if people want to use hair, make-up and
cosmetic surgery to feel good, and they’re in a positive
headspace, it’s their choice. Other people can’t dictate to
us what to do. Wanting to look the best version of you isn’t
vanity, it’s self-expression. And it goes both ways: you
can’t judge people if they’ve got something different about
them, but you also can’t judge people for being attractive.
Do you ever go out without make-up?
I’m blind in one eye, so doing my make-up isn’t easy and
18 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
“I think of my life as
a film and I’m the
director. There’s a
bad three-second
scene, but I’ve decided
to give those actors
only cameo roles”
takes too long so, when I’m not working, I don’t bother. I
have problems with my breathing because of damage to my
nostrils and use tubes to help me breathe, and kids ask me
what they are. Children are hilarious; they’ll say, ‘Why do
you look pregnant when your baby’s out?’. Or, my daughter’s
favourite, ‘Why do your boobs look sad?’. It’s only curiosity
and I’m happy to explain why I look the way I do.
You’re married to carpenter Richard Sutton, have
young daughters, Belle and Penelope, and a busy
career… How’s your work-life balance?
Richard and I are both freelancers, so we share parenting.
Sometimes, I work flat out, but then I’ll book a month off
to be at home full-time. I treat every aspect of my life as
work and put it all in an online diary. Some things are
unmovable, like taking Belle to drama class on a Saturday.
We juggle everything and it’s not perfect, but it’s family life.
Can you teach your girls resilience?
I don’t think being overprotective is helpful. Experience
teaches resilience, and my girls are young. I try to be honest
and realistic about the world, in a way that’s age appropriate.
I want to equip them for real life as women in this world.
What did you inherit from your childhood?
I was lucky that we had stability; my parents stayed
together and gave us a strong work ethic. [Katie has a
brother and a sister.] My mum’s upbringing was quite
Victorian – if she felt like crying, she was told to go to her
room and cry into her pillow. She didn’t do that to us.
 ABOVE Katie FAR RIGHT
in Strictly Katie teaches
Come Dancing positivity and
two years ago resilience to
burn survivors
RIGHT Katie at her charity,
and husband, The Katie Piper
Richard Sutton Foundation

What do you do to care for your mental health? Katie Piper’s quick
I’ve never been in a mental health ward but, when I
was in the hospital burns unit, a therapist came to my
guide to resilience
bedside every day, and it was beneficial. Since then,
If there’s anyone we trust on this
subject, it’s the woman who rose up
I’ve tried CBT, EMDR (eye movement desensitisation from physical and emotional agony
reprogramming, a form of psychotherapy), regression and turned her life around
hypnotherapy and I’ve seen a psychiatrist to deal
with my PTSD. Things change and evolve, and I’ve
gone to different people. After working with women
therapists, I now have a male therapist.
1 Don’t live in the past. Take each day as
it comes and focus on the future.

I published a journal, Confidence: The Journal: Your

Year Of Positive Thinking (Quercus, £9.99) because
I think journalling works. I keep notes on everything
2 Surround yourself with good friends
and family, because they will bring you
up when you are feeling down.
– career, relationships… everything, including failures,
and I try to see patterns of behaviour. I don’t do it daily
as it would feel like a chore, but I do it regularly. Fitness
is a big part of my confidence and keeps anxiety and
3 Don’t let a bad day turn into a bad week
– accept any difficulties and move on.
Don’t get stuck in a rut. You have the power
depression away. I want to be at peak fitness all the to change anything in your life.
time, so I can bounce back from any surgery I have to
undergo because of my injuries.

Remind us why we can’t call you inspirational…

4 Ask for help if you need it. It’s
understandable to feel overwhelmed at
times, but don’t let pride stand in the way of
PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES

I believe everyone would react in a similar way to me, getting the help you need and deserve.
it’s just that they haven’t been challenged. I was tested
to the limit and had to find inner resources that we all
have – that’s why I’m not inspirational!
Resilience champion Katie Piper will start her new column for
5 Focus on the positives. It can sometimes
seem impossible, but try not to let the
negatives overpower you, and make sure you
‘Psychologies’ in the July issue, out 9 June celebrate the small wins in life.

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 19
20 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 relationships

Falling in
love again When Rachel Garnett noticed a loss of closeness
between her and her husband, she turned detective,
looking to the past for clues to help them reconnect

B
ecoming a relationship detective
started with my husband’s new
beard. At a party a year ago, he was
complimented on it, to which he
laughingly replied, ‘Rachel hasn’t noticed yet.’
This wasn’t entirely true – OK, I’d glanced at it
quickly. It suited him, but I was busy, so I hadn’t
bothered commenting and promptly forgot about
it. The beard didn’t need to be fed, paid for or
represent a deadline, so I deemed it unimportant.
But his response made me realise that, years
ago, I would have said it looked good, or at least
given him an opinion. We still love and fancy each
other, but we had become so bogged down in the
day-to-day that giving him a compliment was
something else that hadn’t made my to-do list.
I am not taking all the blame; my husband is
just as bad. He used to put his arm around me
or take my hand when we were out, much to the
mortification of our children. Coming soon after
the beard incident, our 17-year-old asked him why
he no longer bothered to hold Mum’s hand? My
husband hadn’t realised that he’d stopped and,
to be fair, neither had I, but suddenly I missed it.
I started to become aware of other little things
we had let go – for instance, we used to laugh over
silly little things we had experienced in our day,
but we had become so serious! The demands of >>>
work, money, children, cooking and
cleaning had begun to swallow our
relationship. Our connection is the
cornerstone of family life, which made
it even starker that it was not getting the
attention it deserved. It is a common
scenario – but what to do?
Close but no cigar
At first, I sought advice. I scoured books
and read blogs on the subject. In the
main, suggestions seemed to focus on
romance – tips such as leaving love notes
for each other which, knowing me, would
end up lost on the back of shopping lists.
Anyway, we are not romantic types. The
other key strand of guidance was about
sex, and several advisers suggested sex
every day. No, sorry, sounds exhausting!
I am sure this advice works for some,
but it just wasn’t right for us. So I decided
to look to our history for inspiration – we
must have been doing something right
to have stayed together all these years!
I began to look for clues about what had
made our relationship happy and fun
before. I didn’t tell my husband what I
was doing because I didn’t want to add
to the pressure, I would just try to bring
these things back into our lives.
First, I would find ways to spend more
time together, just the two of us, like we
used to. It started badly: I joined him on
a run, which ended in a blazing row about
the route that simmered on for days.
Next, I tried to go along on his evening
dog walk. Even the dog looked irritated as
I pulled on my wellies, and my husband
was grumpy and barely spoke. Back home,
I commented that he clearly wanted time
alone, to which he replied, ‘Yes, I do.’
‘Point taken,’ I retorted, ‘I’ll leave you
in peace.’ It upset me because I had only
been trying to help us, and I decided to
call off my efforts.
Ironically, a couple of weeks later,
it was him wiping our Staffie’s muddy
paws after their walk that reignited my
campaign. He hadn’t wanted pets, but
the children and I were smitten with a
22 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
“strand
The other key
of guidance
was about sex,
and several advisers
suggested sex
every day. No, “
sorry, that sounds
exhausting!
dog we had seen at an animal charity.
We knew my husband would welcome
the dog because we wanted him, and
that’s exactly what happened. My
husband always puts those he loves
before himself; it was a quality I had
fallen in love with and a reminder of it
mellowed my feelings towards him.
Beyond a joke?
Seeing him at work in our home office
brought back more memories. I used
to flash my bra at him as I passed the
window and decided to do so again. As
I showed off a jazzy new number, he went
from looking stressed to chuckling. It
made me sad and happy at the same time.
We used to share so much banter and it
was time to reclaim it.
At first, I felt awkward – I was out
of practice and our jokes used to be
somewhat personal, which is tricky
when you don’t feel that connected, but
my attempts at teasing him were well
received and he came back with funny
quips about me. Soon, he was upping our
banter levels, and then again. Currently,
I am teasing him about his feet
increasing looking like pig’s trotters
and he is calling me Jacob Rees-Mogg
because of my new reading glasses.
We seemed to be getting back on track,
but our bond still wasn’t quite as strong
as it used to be. Then, a throwaway
comment helped. As I locked our front
door one day, my husband held my bag.
‘Isn’t this the one from that charity shop
window?’ he asked. Indeed it was.
Several years ago, when we were driving
along, I spied a vintage beauty from the
passenger seat. I told my husband to
stop the car and charged inside, where
I bought the handbag for a mere £2.
What I loved about him remembering
this is that my adoration of thrift shops
actually drives my husband nuts,
especially when I get him to guess the
price of my latest bargain, yet he puts
up with it without complaint.
This spurred me to do the same for
him. My husband loves parking in a dead
straight line. This drives me nuts but
now, when he is faffing about in a parking
space, I no longer snap at him to get on
with it. He tolerates my quirks
affectionately, so I was prodded to let
him have his. This took me back to the
PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES
most vital clue from the past – gratitude.
Late one evening, he headed out to pick
up my teenage daughter from a friend’s
house. It was such a dad thing to do.
When I met my husband, I was a single
mum to her, and he was carefree, the life
 relationships

Simple but powerful

lessons in love
A few pointers from relationship expert,
psychologist Leila Collins, a fellow of
the British Psychological Society
l Kindness, generosity and caring
are important, and can help both partners
overlook insignificant mistakes or minor
irritations that exists in all relationships.
l Give and take carries weight in a
relationship. If your partner cooks dinner,
do the washing-up afterwards.
l Allow each other time out to wind down
and relax. Everyone needs time alone – it
doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t love you.
l Remembering your past can sweeten
your future. My husband uses a picture of our
long-ago wedding as his screensaver.
It’s touching and makes me feel loved.
counsellingandpsychotherapy.me.uk

“ My husband loves
parking in a straight
line. This drives me
nuts but now, when
he is faffing about in “ remarked that we seemed better than we
a parking space, I no
longer snap at him
and soul of a large group of mates.
My daughter’s biological father moved
abroad when she was a toddler and she
has not seen him in years. Instinctively,
my husband knew how to be a father to
her, and he has bought her up as his own.
Cuppa for the best dad?
When he found out her GCSE results,
we had to tell him to sit down because we
thought he might actually burst with
pride! After he collected her that night,
I finally got around to telling him what a
great dad he is, which felt good for both us.
It’s not just the big things. On a more
frivolous note about gratitude, we
always used to offer each other cups
of tea when making one for ourselves,
which we had stopped doing. I restarted
the habit, and my husband was
astonished to be asked. Several cups
of tea and some more banter later, he
had in a while, which made him happy.
Since then, he has started doing little
things for me – just like he used to.
My favourite is that he framed one
of my articles and hung it over my desk.
The choice was important, because I had
doubted myself over that piece, which
I have a tendency to do, then he
reassures me. Being supportive of each
other and understanding our worries,
we’ve rediscovered, makes life sweeter.
It was a photo that inspired further
closeness. My son and I were scrolling
through old pictures on my phone when
one caught my eye – it was my husband
and I sitting on the sofa watching TV,
his arm around me. One of the kids
must have taken it without us knowing.
It reminded me how we used to sit side
by side in the evenings. Gradually, this
practice stopped and I started using my
tablet in another room. I have rejoined
him on the sofa, and I have found there
are additional benefits to sharing a TV
night – you relearn compromise as you
take turns choosing what to watch.
Tricks up my sleeve
Our close relationship is getting noticed.
At a school event, something entertained
us both, and we caught each other’s eye.
An observant mum friend spotted us,
and said how lovely it was. We are
complimenting each other more and,
once again, we are embarrassing our
children by holding hands.
My husband won’t know that I have
played relationship detective until he
reads this, which he will, because we are
making more of an effort to show interest
in each other’s work. His job is technical
which, to my mind, is boring, but now, if
he goes on about it, I can distract him by
telling him I love him. Because this is key
to my detective work – even if I say it
while loading the dishwasher.

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 23
 HOW TO…

Find a job you love

Want to transition to a career that fulfils you? Answer these
‘BRIDGE’ questions first, says author Samantha Clarke

B elief: In which area do you have little faith What do the answers
in your current firm – the product, service, to these questions
leadership style or company culture? Why? help you clarify?

Results: What does success look like
to you? Do you want your boss’s job? Are you
motivated by rewards or recognition? Can
you achieve what you want where you are?
Perhaps the product or service the
company is selling feels superficial
and you’d rather be working on
something related to more authentic
issues? Or maybe you realise that

I mpact: What valuable knowledge or

the company culture is dreadful and
that you want more recognition than
insight do you want to share? What’s the
you are currently getting? Armed
biggest impact you would like to make?
with this knowledge, create an action
What would you like to be your legacy?
plan to move towards a new area
Can you achieve it in the sector you are in?
that lights you up.

D esire: In your present role, what do Start here:

you want more of? Money, respect, status,
STEP 1: Think of three activities
stability, work that makes your heart sing
that you really enjoyed when you
or work-life harmony?
were younger.

Growth: Is your industry burgeoning

STEP 2: How might elements
WORDS: SUZY WALKER. PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

of these activities be missing from

or shrinking? What are your prospects for
your current job?
finding a new job in a similar role? Is the firm
STEP 3: Ask yourself these questions:
you work for in a tricky financial position?
If all jobs paid my dream monthly

E nrichment: How does your day-to-day

income, what would I really like to
do? If I could speak to my 16-year-old
experience make you feel? Do you feel
self and offer some work-happiness
competent, happy and enriched or unsuccessful,
advice, what would I say?
exhausted, bored and restless? What are you
absorbing and learning in your place ‘Love It Or Leave It: How To Be
Happy At Work’ by Samantha
of work at the moment? Clarke (Octopus, £14.99)

24 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 emotional intelligence

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 25
 Tools to overcome
cyber trauma
Have you ever felt upset or negatively affected by something
you have seen online? Professor Sarah Niblock, CEO of the
UK Council for Psychotherapy, explores cyber trauma and
how to create boundaries to protect ourselves from it

We’ve all done it. Therapist Catherine Knibbs

explains how cyber trauma
We’re browsing can affect us in a unique way
online and come

across something
that disturbs or upsets us; or
someone we know posts something
that unsettles us. We may find
ourselves revisiting the content,
unsure why it has affected us so
badly or questioning its place
online. These feelings can be hard
to shake, but can they cause real
harm? To find out, I spoke to
UKCP psychotherapist Catherine
Knibbs about the phenomenon
known as cyber trauma.
About the UKCP and how to find a therapist
● The UK Council for
Psychotherapy (UKCP)
is the leading research,
innovation, educational and
C
yber trauma is distress that
is experienced through digital
communications, such as
instant messaging, social media and
browsing the internet. It might be caused
by cyber bullying, seeing a shocking
image, reading an upsetting email or any
number of sources.
Part of the problem is the intimacy position creates a false sense of security
of our engagement with digital devices.
and results in us being unprepared to
When we’re online, we are often around deal with what we encounter, unlike
the same distance away from the screen in the physical world.
– 30 to 40cm – as a baby from their
caregiver while being held or fed. This Nothing to see here
is called the ‘eye-gaze distance’. This Imagine we are watching an accident
unfold on the street. Our body would
tense as we anticipate what might be
about to happen. Quite often, we do not
get those kinds of clues with digital media;
we can be caught off guard, but the levels
regulatory body working to and accrediting organisations of distress can be the same. And if we
advance psychotherapy for for those who wish to become do encounter something traumatising,
the benefit of all. We have a psychotherapists.
register of more than 8,000 many of us are unsure what laws and
individual members, who offer ●To find the right procedures are in place to protect us.
a range of therapy approaches therapist for you, Cyber trauma can cause feelings of
for couples, individuals, or learn how to become
a therapist, visit agitation or restlessness; continually
families and groups. We also
have more than 70 training psychotherapy.org.uk revisiting what we’ve seen or excessively
searching for more information. It can
be difficult to admit such emotions to

26 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 in partnership with UKCP

HOW I BECAME
A THERAPIST
Catherine Knibbs shares how worry
over her children’s wellbeing led to her
becoming a UKCP-registered therapist

MY MOVE INTO psychotherapy was born

out of a need to help my kids through
a difficult divorce. I realised that services
for children were overwhelmed and did
not have the capacity, resources and
mechanisms to assist us adequately
through the trauma of a family break-up.
I wanted to be an advocate for children
after witnessing the process of divorce
through family courts. There was an
absence of the child’s voice, from
an evidence-based approach.
As a single parent, I needed to work
while retraining so, after completing my
A levels and a psychology degree while
my children were at secondary school,
I worked in computing while training
further as a psychotherapist.
I am now a clinical and doctoral
researcher, specialising in child and
adult trauma. catherineknibbs.co.uk

ourselves or a loved one, but it’s vital to

remember that trauma caused by our online
Five ways to reduce
experiences is as real as trauma caused in the the risk of cyber trauma
physical world, and can affect us just as Set healthy and conscious rules around your use of digital media
deeply. It can also be healed in the same way. with these simple steps, says psychotherapist Catherine Knibbs
As technology develops, we need to become
more aware of its effect on our mental state.
Psychotherapy can provide a space to
reflect, create boundaries and develop
a healthier relationship with digital
1 Although it’s
not as simple as
‘just turn it off’
or ‘don’t look’, try to
check in with your
mood and how you are
feeling in your body. 4 Use settings
that allow you
to limit your
time on certain websites
devices and the way we use them. be conscious of the
platforms you use,
how often you 3 Make your
time online
purposeful.
or simply remind you to
put down your phone.

The podcast
We can become fearful and
even traumatised by online
content and news, and may
use them and what
activities or content
you engage with online.
Focus on the task you
want to complete or the
information you seek.
Try to avoid being
5 Psychotherapy
can help you
explore your
experiences online
IMAGE: GETTY IMAGES

feel confused by our reaction because we

didn’t experience the trauma physically.
In our talking therapies episode this
month, Sarah Niblock chats to therapist
Catherine Knibbs about cyber trauma.
Listen at bit.ly/ukcpcyber
2 Try to stay
mindful when
you use digital
media, and regularly
distracted and clicking
on unhelpful material in
which you get lost and
that makes you feel bad.
and how they may
be interacting with
other issues, such
as grief or anxiety.

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 27
Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, offers a new
perspective on whatever is troubling you

‘‘
My partner is
pressuring me into
‘‘
having a baby
MARY FENWICK is a writer,

Q
speaker and executive coach; she’s
How do I know if I am ready for – or even want also a mother, divorcee and widow.
– a baby? It is such a massive step, and a huge life GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY?
Email mary@psychologies.co.uk,
change. What if I regret it? What if I ruin my with ‘MARY’ in the subject line.
life – and the child’s? I look at friends with children
FOR MORE about her one-to-one
and they seem permanently exhausted. I am 34 and work and speaking, and to sign up
have been with my partner for five years, and he is keen to have kids. for her free guide, ‘Reframe,
reconnect and resources – top 3
I’m starting to feel pressure from him now – he wants to know if I’m up tips for approaching a problem’,
for it and I don’t know! I thought the time would come when I’d be ready go to maryfenwick.com
but I feel anxious when I think about it. Can you help? Name supplied

A
Not everyone
understands the words
‘let’s have a baby’
in the same way, so
one place to start would be with
your individual narratives. Relate
counsellor Dee Holmes says one
story may be, ‘I was the youngest of
six and watched my mum get worn
out. I don’t want that.’ If you’re with
someone who says, ‘I won’t truly
know myself until I have a child of
my own,’ then a first step is trying to
try this as a couple, explain to your
partner that you really want to
understand more about his point
of view. Allow him to speak without
interruption, then reflect back to him
what you think you’ve heard, using
his words as much as possible and
allowing him to correct and clarify.
Sometimes, on closer examination,
the desire for a child is more about a
desire for change. If that turned out to
be the case, the two of you could create
something new in other ways: move to
Is this about the baby, or is change
difficult for you in any circumstance?
One approach is to imagine
yourself at some point in the future
in these different scenarios – with
a child and this partner (who’s the
primary carer?); with no child and
the same partner (where are you
and what have you created
together?); with no child and no
partner (does this feel like regret
or liberation?); or with a child but
on your own for some reason (how
PHOTOGRAPH: VICTORIA BIRKINSHAW

understand the other perspective.
This might feel overwhelming,
especially if you fear that your
partner is giving you an ultimatum.
Counselling support would give you a
way of listening to each other without
rushing to fix things. If you want to
a different community, or leave your
jobs to launch a joint project.
In parallel with understanding
each other, it would probably be a
good idea to work gently but directly
with your own anxious thoughts,
especially if this is a repeated pattern.
are you supporting yourself?).
While you are, literally,
‘preconception’, it is a good time
to become familiar with the
preconceptions you have, both
individually and as a couple.
relate.org.uk

JOIN OUR CLUB! WE’VE LAUNCHED A WORLD-CLASS ONLINE COACHING CLUB – AND MEMBERSHIP

“Her jealousy is ruining our friendship”
Q I introduced a girlfriend
of mine to a male friend and
they started seeing each
other. I was happy for them – I have
a boyfriend. Then my friend started
having jealous outbursts if her
boyfriend WhatsApped me, even
just to wish me happy birthday.
She has also accused me of flirting
with him, which just isn’t true. Now
she says she wants distance from
me. What can I do? Name supplied
A
I wonder if it helps to consider
what friendship means to
you, and to remember that
you also have a choice about who you
“My mum and sister are envious of my husband’s inheritance”
Q My husband inherited
some money and we have
paid off our mortgage and
can enjoy nice holidays. I made the
mistake of telling my mum who keeps
going on about how hard up she is.
She has also told my sister and,
when I saw my sister for coffee, she
pushed the bill towards me.
I don’t want to feel guilty for my good
fortune, or pay for everything from now
on. What should I do? Name supplied
A
I took your question to a
financial adviser, Sandro
Forte, who not only deals with
people who’ve had inheritances, but is
also the highest earner in his family. He
suggested one possible mindset shift,
which is to remember that your husband
earned the inheritance, in the sense that
he built a relationship which meant
IS FREE TO ALL SUBSCRIBERS. LEAP INTO A BETTER LIFE AT PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS
count as a good friend. Sometimes,
we get stuck in the habit of regarding
someone a friend, only to realise that
we no longer have much in common.
The anthropologist Robin Dunbar
has been researching friendship
groups for decades and says our
happiness depends not only on the
number, but the quality of our friends.
His most famous conclusion is the
Dunbar number – 150 is the average
number of people with whom we can
maintain relatively stable relationships.
Within that, you may have 15 good
buddies but only five who you’d count
as really close (some of whom might be
family members). This friend wants to
someone else wanted to recognise
him. It is not an obligation to remember
somebody in your will, and usually such
a gift is left with good intentions. Those
good intentions will be useful to bear in
mind when talking about the impact of
these interactions with your family.
You might try a feedback technique
called SBI – situation, behaviour, impact.
Keep it very specific, and only describe
what you directly observe. For instance:
‘when we were out for coffee, and you
pushed the bill towards me, I felt taken
for granted’ – or whatever accurately
describes your feeling in that moment.
Another option would be an open
letter to your family – ‘this is what
someone has said to me, and to avoid
any more awkward conversations,
this is what I want to say…’
In both cases, you will want to frame
your words in a gentle way. The wish to
the life lab
move you out of one category and into a
more distant one – and I’d argue that if
you think about it, you probably agree.
Knowing what you now know about her,
would you pick her as a close friend?
The question of your male friend is
a separate issue. It doesn’t sound as if
you’ve discussed this with him yet. We
might guess that if you are feeling the
fallout of unjustified jealousy, he’ll be
feeling it more. You are not responsible
for that. Perhaps the kindest thing for all
concerned, including you, is to let them
each decide what they want and be ready
to listen if they wish to talk to you.
newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/social-
media-affect-math-dunbar-number-friendships
avoid confrontation is understandable,
but the angst you feel in saying no will
pass, while the boundaries will last.
In Sandro’s words, staying silent is a
bigger risk because ‘if you end up with
resentment, you’ll have that on your
own, and no one else will care’.
sandroforte.com
Be part of our tribe
Join the Life Leap Club and
receive free coaching from
our experts. All you have to
do is subscribe to access free
coaching videos, inspirational
resources and masterclasses.
Go to psychologies.co.uk/life-
leap-club-new-subscribers.
View video content with
Mary at psychologies.co.uk
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 29
 good thoughts

“ You can cut all the flowers but you

PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

cannot keep spring from coming

PABLO NERUDA
”
30 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0

Giving up control
Railing against change and uncertainty, Suzy Walker
comes face to face with her panic and anxiety
M y inner control freak and I
aren’t that well acquainted but,
as the world melts down, I notice
that little bossy boots trying to organise my
thoughts (‘only positive mantras allowed, thank
you’) and actions (‘let’s keep this show on the
road’). At night, when I’m trying to sleep, my
inner despot, wearing a hard hat and high-vis
jacket, frantically lines up my emotions into
neat rows of acceptable and unacceptable.
(Hope? Tick. Despair? No, not you!) As my
son and I hole up in our tiny canal boat in
London, and the noise of the city abates,
her barking orders got 10 times louder.
We are in a period of unprecedented change.
I am resisting the pain. Resistance is unwise,
says Julia Samuel, psychotherapist and author
of This Too Shall Pass: Stories Of Change, Crisis
And Hopeful Beginnings (Penguin, £14.99).
‘The research is robust: those who try to remain
rigidly the same are more likely to suffer when
change is forced upon them; it will limit their
capacity for joy in life. Pain is the agent of change:
ILLUSTRATION: GETTY IMAGES
if we build walls around it, it remains untouched
and alive inside us, slowly contaminating our
other feelings.’ It’s an aha moment for me. After
my parents died when I was a teenager, I built
very high walls. Don’t beat yourself up, says
Samuel. ‘Our innate drive to get on with it is
my slow year
profoundly powerful, yet we need to slow down
to give ourselves space between our old and new
selves. In therapy, we call this a “fertile void”; a
time of not knowing, a neutral zone of uncertainty
that is uncomfortable and even crazy-making.
The most common ways we resist change are
by being too busy or too terrified to engage,’
she says. Both are familiar mechanisms for me.
Submission is the mission
My inner control freak in the hard hat tells
me she’s only trying to protect me because she’s
afraid we will be destroyed and won’t be able to
cope or survive. ‘Don’t you understand? The sky
will fall on you and we need to hold it up!’ she
screams hysterically in my face.
‘Try seeing your emotions as benign messengers,
rather than messengers of destruction. Let them
flow through you. Don’t block them. What are
they trying to tell you?’ asks Samuel.
I press pause on my busyness, I breathe, I start to
feel my emotions, I meditate. My control freak goes
on a fag break, removing her high-vis jacket and
hard hat. And, when she ventures outside and puts
her face towards the sun, her shoulders drop and
she starts to cry big, fat tears of exhaustion, fear
and then relief as she sees the sky is not falling…
It’s blue, clear and bright, and its heat slowly warms
her body and lights up her face. @suzy_skywalker
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 31
 Horse power
Nothing was going right in Kate Johnson’s life.
Then she adopted a retired racehorse, and
everything started to change
W
hen I was 45, I spent the year
trying, and often failing, 45 new
challenges to ‘celebrate’ what
felt like a significant milestone.
It was definitely not an attempt to change my life.
The final one was to ride a horse in a flat race.
(Common reaction: ‘Flat? No jumps?’) I hadn’t
ridden for 30 years, and I hadn’t missed it. So I
meant it when I walked into the racing yard and
asked: ‘Have you got a horse that won’t kill me?’
Richard, the trainer, replied: ‘I’ve got one.
You can ride Stop the Show.’
Eyes wide shut
Months of training later, we ran in a charity
race at Cheltenham. As we left the parade ring,
Richard said: ‘Love him and he’ll look after
you.’ When I clicked my tongue – chk chk – to
encourage him, he swivelled both ears to hear
me. It felt so intimate, so sweet; it may be the
moment I bonded with him forever.
I returned to my normal life, which was
still going just as badly. Why was I so adamant
that I didn’t want anything to change? I was
underemployed and felt as if I was living in the slow
lane while everyone else’s careers cartwheeled into
glory. Personally, my long-term relationship with
an older man was in desperate trouble. There were
pretty stark hints. We didn’t live together, but at his
house I found another woman’s user name logged
in to Facebook on his computer, and I discovered
32 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
he was taking an ex skiing from reading his emails.
My head activated immediate self-defence: ‘Don’t
worry, this is fine, it’s probably innocent.’ My
body, however, screamed: ‘This is not fine!’,
and went ice-cold from head to toe. I’ve never
felt such division.
He went skiing and we limped on. Initially, he’d
been baffled – hurt even – that I could possibly be
suspicious of him, but he made no effort to be more
trustworthy or less absent. I felt small. I found
myself trying, and failing, to make conversation,
wondering what we’d ever talked about when it was
easy. I became a demented detective (why was his
car parked up, not down, the hill?; why did he turn
his phone off in the evening?; was it significant that
he crossed his legs away from me?). I had ceded
all control. I was passively waiting it out, waking
up literally biting my tongue for all the things
I couldn’t say, brought down by the hollowed-out
pain of carrying something dead around with me
that was resistant to any form of resuscitation.
My loss of confidence and sense of self weighed
me down like a waterlogged shroud. I needed help;
a sign, divine intervention. It arrived electronically
in a typically brisk email from Richard: ‘Stop the
Show has decided to retire. You can have him
if you can find somewhere to keep him.’
It was the turning point. I’d never made a
meaningful commitment (marriage, children,
return train tickets), but I said ‘yes please’ and
set about locating stables and renting out my spare >>>
self
self
room to pay for it. We’d found each
other and we had chosen each other;
it happens. I needed him and, strange
as it sounds, he knew.
Equine intuition
Scientists at the Swedish University
of Agricultural Sciences conducted
an experiment* by attaching heart rate
monitors to riders and horses, and telling
the riders that an umbrella would be
opened on their fourth walk up a lane.
The riders’ heart rates rose on the fourth
amble, and so did the horses’, even though
no umbrella was opened. The horses were
reading microscopic cues from the riders.
The leading professor was surprised
that the results were so clear-cut and
noted, ‘Horses are much better at reading
us than we are at reading them.’
A study** by Sussex and Portsmouth
universities showed that horses can
recognise, remember and respond
accordingly to angry or happy faces;
they have a ‘memory for emotion’.
It stands to reason that they would
recognise other feelings too.
Once during training, after a miserable
weekend with my boyfriend, I removed
Stop the Show’s rugs, rested my head
on his vast oil-drum belly and let my
tears fall silently into his warm, velvet
fur. I took comfort from the rhythm
of his slow breathing – his stillness,
his quiet, his utter magnificence.
We began forming our new
partnership. I earned, and keep earning,
his trust, and he mine. It’s uplifting to
win the confidence and kindly behaviour
of a racehorse. Without it, we can share
nothing. He expects respect and he’s
extremely comfortable being worshipped
and adored. I look at him and think
how simple it is to let yourself be loved.
I can’t be passive around him; I have
to be an active part of the relationship.
Letting him make all the decisions
wouldn’t be a good idea for either
of us. My previous methods of
communication – sarcasm, eye-rolling,
sulking, squeezing out a few tears,
34 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
“ Try balancing on
the balls of your feet
over the spine of an
animal at 30mph.
It’s meditative, it
releases feel-good
endorphins and
oxytocin; it’s equine
therapy three times “ and there’s always more to learn. You
a week, whether I
want it or not
expecting someone to read my mind –
would have no effect. Being direct, calm,
patient and kind all work much better;
actions count. He weighs 450kg and he
doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do.  his. He doesn’t have to love me back;
He is entirely other; enigmatic,
consistent, authentic, with his own
unknowable code. Chinook helicopters
flying overhead elicit no more than
ear swivelling to place the noise, yet
chalk graffiti on our path brings on
snorting, Scooby-Doo double takes
and cartoonishly exaggerated steps
around it. I see from him there’s no
weakness in removing oneself from a
situation that makes you uncomfortable.
My beautiful friend
I’m touched by his gentleness; he takes
a Polo from my thumb and forefinger
and, when he rests his chin on my
shoulder, I look him right in his giant
cocoa eye and say quietly: ‘I know that
you know.’ I’m thrilled by the speed of his
da-da-dum, da-da-dum galloping hooves,
and mesmerised by the charisma of his
natural beauty, which comes without
vanity and needs no flattering filters.
When we passed a little girl walking
on the Downs, she whispered in awe:
‘Your horse looks like Black Beauty.’
I whispered back: ‘I think so too.’
Riding is a mix of cardio and Pilates;
it looks like we’re ‘just sitting there’,
but try balancing on the balls of your
feet over the spine of an animal at
30mph. It’s meditative, it releases
feel-good endorphins and oxytocin;
it’s equine therapy three times a week,
whether I want it or not.
Empowering love
I feel thrillingly connected to nature
when I’m with him. There’s certainty
in knowing that if I practise, I improve,
never know everything about horses;
they’ll always have the last word.
When I was training for my race,
I once swooned to Richard, ‘I just love
Stop the Show.’ He looked up briefly
from the Racing Post and asked: ‘Do you
think he loves you?’ I replied: ‘He lets
me love him.’ I choose to love him and
my feelings are my responsibility, not
the pleasure is in the giving.
This is totally new information to
me. I’m my best and most loving self
with him; a self I’d never seen before,
and really didn’t think even existed.
He has reset me and, in doing so, he
has set me free. He is a force of nature,
he is truth, he is love and – strange
to say this about a speeding bullet
of a racehorse – he is my safe place.
Romantic love left me feeling weak,
vulnerable and beholden to another.
This love makes me strong. I love him
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES. *L KEELING ET AL, INVESTIGATING HORSE-HUMAN
and he looks after me. And all of this
INTERACTIONS: THE EFFECTS OF A NERVOUS HUMAN, 'VET JOURNAL', 2009;
said, there’s no point overthinking it. L PROOPS ET AL, ANIMALS REMEMBER PREVIOUS FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
THAT SPECIFIC HUMANS HAVE EXHIBITED, 'CURRENT BIOLOGY', 2018
You can’t explain magic.
It goes without saying that I split up
with my faithless partner a few months
after taking on Stop the Show. Why sit
in cold, wet clothes when a warm bath
is waiting? I’m grateful now that there
was a hole in my life where fulfilment
should have been. Happiness – purpose,
my place in the world, peace, whatever
you call it – was trying to creep in. It
finally arrived in a spectacular disguise;
horse-shaped, in a coat the colour of
polished mahogany, at a racing gallop.
**
 in partnership with Ollie School

Join Ollie’s army

Ever wanted to make a difference and train to become a coach?
With the Ollie School, you could be changing lives before you know it

D espite the very best efforts

of our education system, it is
struggling to cope with fully
supporting the emotional wellbeing
with undiagnosed dyslexia, decided
to set up the Ollie School.

of our children within the curriculum.
Ever felt that you would love to help, but
were powerless to act? Well, here’s your
opportunity to do something positive.
The Ollie School has opened its doors,
with plans to build an army of coaches
who can make the world a better place,
one child at a time. Ollie Coaching is
a holistic approach that leads all our
youngsters to a place where they can
thrive in the chaos of modern living.
So many schools are battling to provide
an appropriate mental health environment,
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES
Transformational work
The Ollie methodology is all about empowering
children to seek solutions and take control of Get in touch
their emotions, rather than be controlled by them. To train to become
The Ollie School trains coaches in a blend of an Ollie coach, find
methodologies that brings together NLP, CBT, a coach in your area
EFT and play therapy, to make sure they cover or book an event, visit
all bases. The Ollie methodology is all about ollieandhissuperpowers.
personalisation and identifying which com, or contact us
via email at info@
technique will work with each individual
ollieandhissuperpowers.
child – no one-size-fits-all approach here.
com. We would love
The Ollie School graduates are awarded to hear from you!
a certified qualification in NLP and a licence
to work as an Ollie coach. If helping children

and busy parents are up against it in our and their families to be more emotionally
fast-paced lives ruled by social media. resilient appeals to you, contact us for a
That’s why Alison Knowles, who prospectus and let’s talk about getting
was challenged throughout her life you with the programme.

New dates added! Due to unprecedented demand, start dates for additional Ollie
coaching courses in Manchester and London are available. See ollieandhissuperpowers.com

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 35
shared values
Katie Thistleton
The Radio 1 DJ, TV presenter, agony aunt and author
talks about mental health and young people, learning
to slow down and the importance of family
INTERVIEW ELIZABETH HEATHCOTE
Family is a core value for me. I am from a big family and
we’re close and passionate. We’re like an Italian mobster
family in a gangster film, but without the crime and violence!
I grew up surrounded by strong women. My grandmas,
mum, sister, aunties – they’re all formidable, hard-working
and loving, and also party animals. They’ve taught me that
there’s nothing that can’t be fixed by getting together with
family and remembering what really matters.
I still live in Manchester even though a lot of my work
is in London and that’s because I want to be around
my family. It means a lot of commuting and staying in
hotels, but having that grounding is important to me.
I had to learn to slow down. I was a workaholic and a
‘doaholic’ – if it wasn’t work, it was spending time with
friends or going to the gym. I tried to cram in too much.
I’ve always been a deep thinker. I remember as a child
thinking, ‘Why are we here? Why do we get up, go to work,
have kids and then die?’ People like me try and fill our days
with too much stuff because we’re always searching for
something more: ‘Maybe work will fulfil me, or kids, or
friends, or fame, or money, or success. What’s my purpose?’
I only found freedom from that when I realised none
of those things give you the meaning of life; that the
only thing you’re meant to do with your short life is enjoy it.
The simple things are what matter – sitting with your loved
ones watching TV… I started to slow down and began to
overcome the anxiety and depression I suffered in my 20s.
Looking back, I can see that I suffered with anxiety as
a young child. I was always worrying. I used to complain
to my mum that I couldn’t breathe, and she thought I had
36 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
allergies. When I was 18 or 19, I went to the doctor, and
they said I had a panic disorder. I’d reached an age where I
was allowed to have a problem. That’s one of the reasons
I got involved with children’s mental health charities and
am so passionate about early intervention. It starts young.
I think young people have worse mental health now,
and it’s a lot to do with pressure; pressure to work hard,
be successful, look a certain way. I think social media has
a huge part to play. It’s boring when it always gets blamed
but, when I was young, we couldn’t compare ourselves to
other people to the level that we do now. It’s constant.
When I visit schools, I say to young people: write
down the people you admire who are on Instagram
and think about the qualities you like. They will
probably all be completely different things: different
body shapes, lines of work and levels of wealth. I remind
them that you can never be every single thing you admire.
I’ve come to realise that your level of success doesn’t
matter. I thought if I got a job at the BBC, I would be so
happy but of course that’s not the case – every time you
reach your goal, you put in something else straight away.
I never get lost for words on air, but what I’m saying
may not always be of the highest quality! If I make a
mistake or don’t know the answer to a question, I’ll be honest.
I am obsessed with dogs. I work at a doggy care centre
PHOTOGRAPH: CAROLINE OLSEN
sometimes and I love it because there’s no pressure to
perform. The dogs make so much noise, I don’t have to talk
or be animated or make anyone laugh.
Katie Thistleton presents ‘Life Hacks’ on BBC Radio 1 on Sundays from
4-7pm. It covers social action and mental health topics, with advice, and the
Official Chart countdown in the last hour; ‘Dear Katie’ (Hachette, £7.99)
 “Everyone at work needs
me – I’m overwhelmed! ”
Our award-winning coach, Kim Morgan, guides a woman who is torn
between being a manager and a counsellor to her colleagues
ILLUSTR ATION ANDREA DE SANTIS

“I want to support my team, but feel emotionally exhausted”

Session Sarah’s boss contacted me to arrange coaching
one support for her. Sarah* was struggling with
the emotional needs of her team. ‘She’s more
of an agony aunt than a manager,’ her boss said. ‘We really
love her and she is great with people, but we’re worried that
she is spending so much time supporting colleagues with
their emotional issues that she’s becoming swamped.
She needs to have better boundaries in place and to practise
looking after herself as well as she looks after others.’
Sarah was emotional at our first session. ‘I can always see
two sides to every story. Several members of my team have
problems at home, and I want to support them. I’ve always
been a bit of a rescuer but I can’t bear to see people suffering
and I just want to help everyone.’ She laughed when she heard
herself say the words ‘help everyone’. I teased her: ‘I didn’t
know your job title was managing director of the world!’
Sarah started to talk about what her caring nature cost her.
‘I put everyone’s needs before my own and end up feeling
emotionally exhausted. I can’t say no and, although most
people are genuine, some take advantage of me.’ As we talked,
she told me that she grew up in an environment where she was
praised for doing what others wanted or for looking after others.
I suggested to Sarah that her people pleasing was a strength
that was being overdone. I asked: ‘What one change can you
make before we next meet?’ She agreed to set some
boundaries around how much time she spent supporting her
colleagues with their personal problems, and to say no to at
least three requests without explaining herself excessively.

JOIN OUR LIFE LEAP CLUB. SUBSCRIBE NOW! GET FREE COACHING FROM WORLD-RENOWNED PSYCHOLOGISTS AND

38 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0

Session What role do you play?
two Sarah was struggling with feelings of guilt
because she wasn’t being as supportive as usual.
‘What do you get from being a rescuer?’ I asked.
‘I feel needed. I don’t think I have much to give otherwise,’
she replied. I explained about a model of human interaction
called the Karpman drama triangle, which identifies three roles
taken on by people in certain situations: victim, persecutor and
rescuer. At an unconscious level, each person likes their role:
the victim doesn’t want to be rescued; the rescuer doesn’t
want the victim to stop needing them. Healthy interaction is
when each person considers their needs and those of others.
I asked Sarah: ‘How would your life be different if you put
your needs on a par with other people’s?’
She said she’d have more time to do the things she wants in
her personal life and, at work, she’d delegate tasks to others.
‘When we have a training day, nobody wants to type up the flip
chart notes, so I do it. They leave the office and know exactly
what I’m doing, and they don’t care!’
‘How do you know? Have you ever asked anyone to do that
task?’ I asked. Sarah looked sheepish and said she had not.
‘I think I am playing rescuer and victim. I’m silently resenting
people for not reading my mind. I need to make changes.’
“what
Assertiveness is about learning “ immediately with a knee-jerk yes.
is fair, and balancing your
needs with those of others
Session Set boundaries and claim freedom
three Sarah couldn’t wait to update me. ‘I’ve been noticing
victim, villain and rescuer behaviour all around me!
I’ve been shocked at the way I offer to do things for others, then
secretly resent them for letting me do it. I’ve managed to say
no sometimes and draw boundaries around what I will and won’t
do. I’m slowly learning to be more assertive and value myself.
It’s taken me a while to get here but now I’m telling people how
I feel and what I’d like from them. It’s so liberating!’
I reminded her that change can occur when we stop and take
a cold, hard look at the impact of our behaviour on our lives. Sarah
had been people pleasing and rescuing others for years but she had
NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED
underestimated its effect on her relationships, career prospects
and mental wellbeing. With the support of her organisation, she
had found the motivation to make positive changes and was feeling
the benefits of having more confidence.
For more from Kim, see barefootcoaching.co.uk; @BarefootCoaches
*
EXPERTS WHEN YOU SUBSCRIBE. SEE PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS
the life lab
Coaching exercises
Always at the mercy of others’ needs and wants? Here
are some tools to develop your firmness with fairness
PEOPLE-PLEASING AUDIT
● Make a list of the people who treat you with respect
and those who take advantage of you.
● Make a note of when and with whom you can
assert your boundaries.
● What are the costs and the benefits of your
people-pleasing behaviour?
● Answer this question: What do I believe will happen
if I say no?
ASSERTIVENESS TECHNIQUES
Assertiveness is about the right to be treated with equal
respect. It’s about learning what is fair and balancing your
own rights, wants and needs with those of others. Here
are some techniques to help you practise assertiveness:
● Trust your gut – being assertive is about developing
the habit of noticing your feelings and responses.
● Don’t explain or apologise excessively when refusing
a request or saying no.
● Consider what it says about the other person if they
start bullying you or persuading you to change your mind.
● Buy yourself some time and don’t respond
● Be aware of your body language. Ensure that you are
not smiling or using a conciliatory tone of voice which
could dilute your assertive words and message.
FIND YOUR INNER TODDLER
Think about children and how easily they say no. They’re
in touch with their needs and feelings, moment by moment.
We were all toddlers once. We were all born assertive.
If you have spent a lot of time putting other people’s
needs before your own, you may have lost sight of what
really matters to you. You may find yourself answering
‘I don’t mind’ or ‘it doesn’t matter to me’ when you are
trying to make decisions at work or at home. You can’t
ask for what you want if you don’t really know what that
is. To discover what you need, get in touch with your
inner toddler and ask yourself:
● What do I need to feel happy and fulfilled?
● What would I love to do?
● How do I feel right now – physically and emotionally?
● Complete this sentence: I want…
● Complete this sentence: I don’t want…
● If you dare, shout out ‘no!’ at the top of your voice
and stamp your feet.
 Tell me all
about it…
Lending an ear might be the best support you ever offer a friend.
Anyone can become a good listener, says Cerys Evans, who
learned the skill as a Samaritan, and shares this advice
R
ecently, a friend said to me: ‘You’re
a great listener.’ She’d been telling
me about how low she had been
feeling, and her troubles with her
relationship. By opening up, she appeared lighter.
Being a good listener has taken me a lot of
practice. I became a Samaritan last year because
I hoped to meet new people in a new area, but
also because I wanted to make a difference. As a
teenager, feeling alone, I’d called their helpline,
and having someone listen to me as I worked
through my feelings really helped. I wanted to
give a good listening experience to others.
Samaritans aren’t superhumans, they are
people like everyone else. When I first started
my training, I couldn’t imagine, as I sat in front
of an actor, how I’d be able to deal with real-world
problems. But the more I practised, the easier
it became. Anyone can become a good listener,
and right now it’s more important than ever. It’s
only by reaching out to someone that we realise
we’re all struggling. So, what do you say when
someone close to you wants to talk?
40 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J A
UN U
E A2R0Y2 0
2020
What are they not saying?
In his book on communication theory, Silent Messages
(Wadsworth, £22), researcher Albert Mehrabian says
our words make up only seven per cent of our message.
The rest comes through body language and tone of voice.
Everyone’s mannerisms are unique, influenced by
who we are and the environment in which we grew up.
If someone grew up believing that it is rude to have eye
contact, they may look down a lot and yet feel perfectly
fine. On the other hand, a shy friend who is having a
rough time might become more outgoing, rather than
withdrawn as you would expect.
Here are some things you can say to start
a conversation and find out more:
l ‘How have things been since…?’
l ‘I’ve noticed you’ve had a bit of a difficult time
recently. How are you feeling?’
l Even a simple ‘How are you?’, with open
body language, might be the key to
getting someone to open up.
Don’t pester
a person to
talk. Let >>>
 psychology
self

J A N U A R Y 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 41
psychology

them know you’re available and, if they

want to, they are more likely to come to
you. People process things in different
ways. For some going through chronic
stress, taking time to reflect is beneficial.
Talking too soon can make problems
feel too real and worsen the situation.

Give your full attention

When someone is ready to talk, be fully
present. Find a place where you know no
one will disturb you, and turn off your
phone. If you can’t get away, let them know
in advance. That way, if you need to dash,
they won’t think you’re not listening.
If you can see each other as you talk,
try to keep your body language open. You
can do the following to put them at ease:
l Face them with your body angled
slightly to the side.
l Sit up straight; nothing says ‘I don’t
care’ like being curled up into a ball.
l You don’t need to smile all the time,
and sometimes it’s better that you don’t.
A slow and thoughtful nod can be just as
effective to show that you are listening.
If you’re communicating by text,
simply saying, ‘I’m here to talk for an
hour, what’s been happening?’ could talks, research professor Brené Brown impolite or harsh to refer to painful topics,
be all they need to hear to open up. describes empathy as going down into sometimes the distressing one is the
someone’s pain, not standing at the side very question a person wants to be asked,
Authentic compassion watching. If you can imagine someone and it can change things for them. You
We’re often told to put ourselves in others’ is trapped in a hole, standing at the side might be asking what no one else has.
shoes and, because we’re helpful, we do. shouting, ‘Oh, I know how you feel!’ won’t It can help to keep difficult questions
It is easy to say, ‘Oh, I know how you feel!’ help. Brown asks us to ‘get down into the for the middle of your conversation, after
but how can you ever really know what hole with them’, so we can see things from the two of you have been talking about
someone is feeling? In one of her TED their point of view. So, how do you do that? emotions for a while. Adopting stock
l Keep the questions as open as you can: phrases is not always helpful, because
‘What was that like for you?’; ‘What did you need to tailor your comments to the

“down
Empathy is going
into someone’s
you think about that?’
l Clarify what they said: ‘When you said
you’ve been down, was that because…’
specific conversation, but it might help
to remind yourself of the following
when you ask difficult questions:
ILLUSTRATIONS: MALTE MUELLER/GETTY IMAGES

pain. If a person is l Check that you’re on the same page.

‘It sounds as if things are tough for you…
l Remind yourself that if the person
wants to stop the conversation, that is
trapped in a hole, Would you say that’s right?’ their decision and prerogative. You’ve
standing at the Be brave
done your best and they might not be
ready to talk at the moment.
side shouting, ‘Oh, “ There will be times when you might l Sometimes, people don’t realise until

I know how you want to bring up subjects that feel

awkward, such as mentioning a loved
after the conversation that the difficult
question you’ve asked has been
feel!’ won’t help one who has died. While it might seem beneficial to them.

42 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0

“
Some people put
the needs of others
before their own.
That’s kind, but it
could be a coping “ to you because they need to get something
mechanism and not
in your best interests
l You can always take the conversation
back to questions about feelings or how
they are coping at a later stage.
Stay impartial
Check yourself if you start saying biased
things like: ‘Well, he’s being silly, isn’t he?’
It can be tricky when a friend starts
moaning about their partner or another
friend, especially if you are close to both of
them. You don’t want them saying, ‘Well,
“ We try to fix our
friend’s problems,
but what works for
us might not work
for them. It’s likely
your friend wanted
to get something “ they need. It’s important that you take
off their chest, so
stick to feelings
actually, so-and-so thinks you are…’, but
you still want to be on their side. If you
know the person they are talking about,
try your best to keep your own feelings
under wraps. Remind yourself that other
people’s relationships are unique.
Try to steer your friend back to talking
about their feelings, saying, for example:
l ‘What do you think?’
l ‘I don’t know them that well…’
l ‘It sounds as if you’re upset by that…’
l Or, if they persist: ‘You’re the important
person in this discussion, what do you
think about it?’
On giving advice…
This is big! Far too often, we try to fix
our friend’s problems, but what works
for us might not work for them. Besides,
it’s likely that your friend wanted to speak
off their chest, so stick to feelings.
Imagine that you work in a launderette
and your friend’s problems are the clothes
in their laundry bag; they sit helplessly
by and watch them go around the tumble
dryer. Your job isn’t to mend their clothes
or buy them new ones, but you can take
each item out of the dryer and fold it
neatly for them to take home. That’s
what being a good listener is all about.
There will be times when it’s obvious
that they need to take action. But, rather
than giving them advice, explore their
options. You could say, for example:
l ‘Where do you want to go from here?’
psychology
l ‘Have you thought about…? Is that
something you might want to do?’
You matter too
If you become a good listener, your friend
may want to speak to you more often.
This is a good sign – you have helped
them cope. However, it may be that you
feel you alone can’t give them the support
time for yourself. Sometimes, you may
need to be firmer with boundaries.
Remember, saying no gently might
encourage them to get help elsewhere.
Here are some things you might say:
l ‘I’m not sure I’m the best person to
help you with this, have you thought
about speaking to…’
l ‘I’m not free at the moment, but perhaps
you’d like to talk another time?’
l ‘I’m sorry, but I’m not feeling good
right now. Can we talk later?’
Is it your turn to talk?
Some people put the needs of others
before their own. That’s kind, but it could
be a coping mechanism and not in your
best interests. Perhaps you’ve been
helping others because you want to be
listened to, or you’ve been helping others
for too long. Either way, you may be the
one who needs to talk. Here are signs
that you need someone to listen to you:
l You get upset often (crying or getting
frustrated).
l You lose interest in things you used to
enjoy and perhaps even stop doing them.
l Your mind is stuck in a loop of
thoughts that you don’t like.
l You can’t focus for long periods of time.
If this sounds like you, consider
speaking to a friend about how you feel.
If things get worse, or you can’t find
someone to speak to, call Samaritans.
There’s no such thing as a perfect
listener. Through practice, you’ll find
what works for you. In the end, the
most important thing you can do for
someone you care about is to let them
know you are there for them.
Call Samaritans on 116 123; samaritans.org
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 43
 self
good thoughts

“ We colour the
world, not with
the darkness of
our pasts, but
with the rainbow
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

of our hope
JENIM DIBIE
”
44 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0

New
series
Always the outsider?
Do you mumble your words or hide in a corner when faced
with a new environment or crowd of people? You’re not
alone, says coach and video strategist Lucy Griffiths
O ne of the things I used to dread was being the
new girl in the office – in the kitchen making
coffee while the in-crowd chatted about the
weekend. I worried that I wasn’t good enough or smart
enough and, if I was asked a question, panic would set in
– I’d flail for something to say while trying to look cool.
At school, I was best friends with Kate and Cathy…
We were a trio, until we had to walk across the road
in twos, and guess who was left out? And the feeling
of being an outcast has continued. But I’ve always
been the outsider – from school days to office
life, and back to the school gate as a parent.
Or is that the story I have told myself?
When my son started nursery, I projected
my fears onto him, worrying that he
wouldn’t make friends. Before I knew it,
I was volunteering at school just so I
could help him navigate his friendships.  feel more confident in all our
Of course, my good intentions went awry
and he refused to hang out with the
friends I picked for him.
As in so many areas of life,
the only thing you can control
is your response. I remind
myself of what Eleanor
Roosevelt said: ‘No one
can make you feel inferior
without your consent.’
The only person making
PHOTOGRAPH: LAURA RICHARDSON
woman up
me feel like an outsider is me. These are the lessons
I have learned along the way:
l Starting anywhere new, you just have to find your
people; the ones that get you. If you feel shy, don’t
charge into friendships; it’s OK to take your time and
figure out if you’re the right fit for each other. Have
faith that you will find the right people for you.
l Very often it’s our belief systems that tell us we don’t
fit in. We are replaying the stories from childhood
and need to rewrite the script. Start noticing
your patterns of behaviour. When are you
assuming that you’ll be on your own? What
fears are you projecting onto yourself?
l Try doing one thing each day to
take you out of your comfort zone.
Sometimes, interactions with
random strangers can help us
relationships. Volunteering can
make us feel connected and give
us a sense of belonging.
l Practise self-acceptance.
Remind yourself that it’s OK
to have a different way of
operating in the world.
We all feel a little lost and
awkward sometimes –
you’re not the only one.
lucygriffiths.com
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 45
Coach yourself to a brighter
future after a break-up
The end of a long-term relationship is an unsettling time. Coach Amy Sinacola
helps a reader work towards an independent life after splitting from her
partner, with greater confidence and a deeper knowledge of herself

The ‘Psychologies’- ASK THE EXPERT…

endorsed ‘Find Amy Sinacola is on a mission to help women let go
a coach’ directory, of their Superwoman capes and find their feet. She
assists a woman who seeks fulfilment as a single person
with Barefoot
Coaching, provides readers with Q I broke up with my partner of 17 years a few months ago, and now
a choice of top coaches, all that the initial heartbreak has passed, I face an unknown future
with postgraduate training as a single woman. I think I’m OK with that, but I know I need to learn how
to be content in my own company again. The last time I was single, I was 28,
accredited by the University of and that feels like a lifetime ago. How can I get to know myself again and see
Chester and the International a happy and independent future for myself? Sandy, 45
Coach Federation. Find a coach
who suits you to help you A So often we rely on others to feel to change? Let the words flow and write
loved and valued. Learning to love from deep compassion and understanding.
navigate and transform your life
ourselves is a good first step towards After a while, reread it. Feel the
– in the areas of money, work, encouragement, support, kindness
becoming content in your own company.
relationships, parenting, health Try these exercises to begin your journey: and acceptance. Self-acceptance and
and leadership. ● Learn to love yourself. Think of self-support are the first steps to change.
someone in your life who’s unconditionally ● Create your future vision. Think

Editor-in-Chief
BAREFOOT COACHING
Psychologies’ partnership
with Barefoot Coaching
gives you the tools to find a coach
who meets your needs. Barefoot
Coaching has been at the
forefront of coaching and coach
training for 25 years. It has a
proven track record as a provider
of high-level coaching and coach
loving, accepting and supportive of you,
just as you are. Now write a letter to
yourself from the perspective of your kind
friend. What do they say? How do they
encourage and support you in taking steps
training to organisations and Postgraduate Certificate
senior executives, nationally in Business and Personal
and internationally. Coaching is one of the most
well-established coach training
Train as a coach with courses in the UK. Barefoot runs
Barefoot Coaching regular, free introductions to
The Barefoot Coaching coach training throughout the
International Coach year. Visit barefootcoaching.
Federation- accredited co.uk/taster-mornings to book.
about what you want your future to look
like. Create a vision board of inspiration
and motivation; collect a few images,
quotes and items. Think about your
values, what you enjoy, what kind of
people you want in your life and who you
want to be. What one thing can you do
today to take you closer to the life you
want to live? inspiredlifepeople.com
For more guidance
and inspiration from
our columnists, experts
Listen
and team, listen to the
‘Psychologies’ podcast channel on
iTunes, TuneIn and AudioBoom
or at psychologies.co.uk

46 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 in partnership with Barefoot Coaching

Rate how satisfied you

are with life after splitting

HOME
10 up from a partner, then
FAMILY create a plan to up it by
3 points this month

MONEY WORK

10 5 1 5 10

ADVENTURE FRIENDS
5

RELATIONSHIPS WELLBEING
10

The wheel of life

Cut out this page and put it somewhere visible. Use the wheel of life, a classic coaching tool, to improve
how you feel about your future after a break-up. The wheel allows you to focus on improving one
segment at a time, while giving you an overall picture of all the parts that comprise a happy life
CUT OUT AND KEEP

This month, we’re concentrating
on regaining freedom.
l Is a past relationship defining where you
are in your life now? Or is new independence
calling for a fresh future plan? Write down
your definition of what an independent life
looks like for you. Focus on how you feel
✂
l Brainstorm with someone you trust or
hire a coach to figure out ways that you can
improve the score by three over four weeks.
l Break it down into baby steps. What
would be a positive step towards
improving your score by 1 point?
What do you need to do to create that?
another? What action can you take?
Do you need to cultivate self-love? How
can you begin to do this?
l Psychologies subscribers have access
to free online coaching courses in the
Life Leap Club. Find out more on page 62.
l Each month, we’ll address different

about your life in this area, then give it a l What would improve the way you feel segments of the wheel, but feel free to work
score – 1 being awful and 10 being brilliant. about this area by another point? And on all parts of your wheel at the same time.

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 47
 Dossier

Simplify, simplify,
simplify
A SIMPLER, EASIER LIFE is the focus of this special Dossier.
Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker shares the life lessons she learned
when she downsized from a three-bedroom house to a tiny canal
boat. She invites you to experiment with minimalism, discard
what no longer serves you and identify and make room for what
you truly want. Author Eleni Kyriacou explores the alternative
view: the things you should never let go of. Read her piece about
memories and treasures and decide what works for you.
Psychologist Sally Brown has created another brilliant test to
reveal what type of simplification you crave – psychological,
emotional, temporal or functional. We invite you to take
charge of life’s messiness for greater lucidity in your
spaces and mind. We’re trying to build a more DECLUTTERING
COACHING COURSE
positive relationship with our possessions We’re working with ‘coach of the month’
Yasmine Diba, who has devised the course ‘Clutter
and find manageable ways to live happily and chaos: 4 steps towards clarity’. Take charge
of the clutter in your life and create simplicity and
with less. Join us and streamline your life. calm in your spaces and mind. Discover how clutter
represents your past and learn how to allow
yourself to flourish in the here and now.
PHOTOGRAPHS GETTY IMAGES Subscribe to ‘Psychologies’ (see below) to take
this course, access all our other programmes,
masterclasses and broadcasts,
plus join our nurturing
online community.

CLARITY THROUGH THE CLUTTER. WE RUN A FIRST-CLASS COACHING CLUB AND MEMBERSHIP IS FREE TO ALL SUBSCRIBERS. WE’RE

48 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
IN IT TOGETHER! LEAP INTO A BETTER LIFE AT PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS
Dossier
Goodbye things,
hello life
When Suzy Walker downsized and had to perform a rigorous
and necessary declutter, she was amazed to find ample room for
what really matters – and an inspiring new vision for her future
L
ast summer, I scaled down from
a roomy three-bedroom cottage
in Sussex, with a garden and
shed, to a 46-foot by six-foot
canal boat in a London dock.
My son had just finished his GCSEs and
had been offered a place at a sixth form in
the city that specialised in his passion, film.
From our Sussex home, it would have meant
an exhausting four-hour daily commute for
him. I am a single parent, my son is the most
important person in my life and I wanted to
support him. I also realised that I only had
a couple of years left before he moves out,
and I wanted to spend as much time with
him as possible before he flies the nest.
The only way I could afford to move back to
London, where the rents are sky-high, was
to rent out my cottage and move onto a boat
in King’s Cross. I had to rent out my house
unfurnished, which was the opportunity
to have an epic declutter to avoid paying a
fortune for storage space. I’ve always been
fascinated by documentaries about the tiny
house movement – people living in shipping
containers and cabins – and had flirted with
50 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
minimalism for years, but I always felt too
messy and disorganised to follow through.
Little did I know that my decluttering plans
would require me to dig deep, into way more
than the back of the cupboard under the stairs,
and embark on a self-development journey that
has been profound and life-changing. It has
changed my view of the world.
Lessons I learned when
I made space for them
FORGIVE YOURSELF
As I started to make an inventory of what I wanted to
keep and what I wanted to discard, I felt a huge sense of
shame and failure. I’ve always tried to be eco-conscious,
am conscientious about self-development and enthusiastic
about creative projects. As I lined up knitting needles, balls
of wool and spiralisers, and tripped over unread self-help
books that teetered in piles around my bed, I was struck by
how much energy, time and money I’d wasted.
We’re proud of our eco pages in the magazine and I’m
becoming more aware of how we have plundered our
beautiful planet. Wasting these resources felt like
a crime against nature. Plus, my main moan was that
I felt overwhelmed, so perhaps I should stop trying to
learn how to knit, make courgette noodles and write >>>
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 51
Dossier

five novels and a screenplay all at the same time? before Instagram made it trendy. So how come I still had
I was wasting my resources as well as the earth’s. so much decluttering to do? As I looked at the piles of
things I wanted to get rid of, I could see that I hadn’t just
Wait! I know this already been buying stuff for stuff’s sake, I had been trying to do
This was not the first time I had done an epic declutter. too much: I took up a shiny new hobby every month,
The first was more than 30 years ago. My parents died always had a creative writing project under way, was
of cancer in quick succession when I was a teenager. forever trying to learn how to cook, and constantly
My brother was in the navy, had come home for my reading books that would help me connect more with
mother’s funeral and we had to empty the family myself, with others, with The Force… But it had become
home. A lifetime of my parents’ stuff gone, given away, a compulsion and I was too busy and overwhelmed to
sent to the auction house in the space of 48 hours. enjoy my life because I was trying to cram in too much.
I realised then that possessions mean nothing at the It was time to get clear about how I wanted to spend my
end of your life. We come into the time, energy and money; to distil what
world with nothing and leave with
nothing but, in our brief moment
“We strut over I really wanted in order to find the
fulfilment that I craved.
on life’s stage, we strut and fret over possessions as
possessions as if our existence is if our existence Overfed on junk
defined by them. We think happiness I turned to ‘The Minimalists’, Joshua
comes from things but, if anything, is defined by Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus,
they often lead to misery. them. We think for inspiration. Bloggers and authors
Few people can look back on a life
preoccupied with the accumulation
happiness comes of the bestselling Minimalism: Live
A Meaningful Life (Asymmetrical Press,
of wealth and honestly conclude ‘that from things” £7.99), they had hit the age of 30 and
was a life worth living’, said Bruce achieved everything that was supposed
Hood, professor of psychology and author of to make them happy: careers with six-figure salaries,
Possessed: Why We Want More Than We Need (Allen luxury cars, oversized houses and ‘all the stuff to clutter
Lane, £20). I agreed wholeheartedly – which left me, every corner of our consumer-driven lives’.
three decades after my parents’ deaths, wondering: ‘But we weren’t satisfied,’ they said. ‘There was a
had I learned nothing? gaping void and working 80 hours a week just to buy
‘Chief forgiveness officer is my alternative title,’ said more stuff didn’t fill it. In fact, it only brought more debt,
Katherine Blackler of the Association of Professional stress, anxiety, fear, loneliness, guilt, overwhelm and
Declutterers & Organisers. ‘Decluttering is often a depression.’ The answer, they told me, does not lie in
process of coming to terms with the decisions or decluttering but in asking better questions. ‘We all know
projects in your life that haven’t worked out. You may how to declutter. You start small: focus on one room at
have had the best of intentions – wanting to lose a time, making progress each day as you work towards a
weight, so you buy exercise equipment, or hoping to simplified life. People should be much more concerned
start a new hobby but never quite following through. with the why – the purpose behind decluttering – than
It’s easy to be harsh and judgmental, but you need to what has to go. Ultimately, it has to do with the benefits
be gentle and have compassion for yourself.’ you’ll experience on the other side.
‘Decluttering is not the end result – it is the first step.
FOCUS ON THE WHY You don’t become instantly happy and content by getting
Looking at my life gently and compassionately, I rid of your stuff, at least not in the long run. Decluttering
would say I have been on a quest to find fulfilment, doesn’t work like that. If you simply embrace the what
not just buying random stuff. I realised at a young age without the why, you’ll get nowhere. It is possible to get
that people, love and making the most of every rid of everything you own and still be utterly miserable.’
minute were my priorities. I knew that if a house, car If we’re honest, said Hood, for many of us, possessions
and things weren’t going to hit the spot, I had to are about status and proving our worth to society. ‘The
discover what would. In my 20s, I partied like a rock more we have, the more worthwhile we feel. This is wrong
star, but I also learned how to meditate, walked over for a number of reasons, if not for the simple fact that
hot coals and went wild swimming in cold seas way ownership comes at a cost to society. Science tells us >>>

52 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
Live life to the max with minimalism
The Minimalists, Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus, simplify the decluttering process
1 Question.
Ask yourself: How might my
life be better with less? By
answering this question, you identify
the benefits of letting go – not only
how, but the more important why.
Understanding the purpose of
decluttering will grant you the leverage
to keep going until you reach the
freedom of having only what you need.
2 Start small.
Once you understand why
you’re decluttering, get
momentum by starting small. We
recommend the 30-day minimalism
game. Find a friend who’s willing to
play. Each person gets rid of one thing
they do not need on the first day of the
month, two on the second, three on
the third and so on. Every possession
you’re making these lists; it’s likely that
the two lists have nothing in common.
must be out of your house by midnight
each day (or in the recycling or ‘take
to the charity shop when I can’ piles).
Whoever keeps it going the longest wins.
4 Enforce the
90/90 rule.
Look at a possession – pick
something; anything. Have you used
that item in the last 90 days? If you
3 Reassess value.
Ask yourself: How important
is the stuff in my life? Take a
haven’t, will you use it in the next 90
days? If not, it’s OK to let it go.
moment and write down your 10 most
expensive material possessions from
the last decade – car, house, jewellery,
furniture and any other material things.
Next to that list, make another top-10
5 Organise.
No matter where you are
on your journey, remember that
the easiest way to organise your stuff
is to get rid of most of it. Imagine the
list: things that add the most value to space it will create, physical and mental.
your life. Be honest with yourself when theminimalists.com
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 53
Dossier

that the relentless pursuit of possessions is unfulfilling life you want… How does it feel? How does it look? It’s
and, for some, creates more unhappiness in the long important to motivate yourself with the end goal and
term. We should live simpler, less cluttered and less the bigger vision. This is not about getting rid of your
competitive lives. Unfortunately, it’s only at the end old clothes and books – decluttering is about creating
of our lives that we come to this realisation,’ he added. a new plan for your life,’ she said.
The Minimalists agreed. ‘People think minimalism
An audit of the heart is about getting rid of material possessions: eliminating;
What if we stopped doing that? What if we didn’t value jettisoning; extracting; detaching; decluttering; paring
or define ourselves by a house, car or possessions – how down; letting go… But that’s a mistake. True, removing
would we measure our worth? I the excess is an important part
unearthed an old coaching exercise that
asked some bold questions: What if
“We make of the recipe – but it’s just one
ingredient. If we’re concerned solely
everything you have was taken away? room for more with the stuff, we’re missing the larger
What if all you had left was yourself? How
would that make you feel? What would
time, passion, point. Minimalists don’t focus on
having less, less, less; we focus
you have that is actually of value? What creativity, on making room for more: more time,
are your strengths? What is important to experiences, more passion, more creativity, more
you? How would you value yourself if you experiences, more contribution,
stopped comparing yourself to others? How contentment more contentment, more freedom.
do you value and judge others? and freedom” Clearing the clutter from life’s
Imagine you walked into a room, path helps make that room.
everyone was dressed the same and you could not Minimalism is the thing that gets us past the things,
discuss what others did for a living or where they lived so we can make room for life’s important things – which
or what they owned – how would you decide whether actually aren’t things at all.’
you liked them or not? Would it be about their humour,
intelligence or creativity? What do you value in others? Expect the unexpected
What do you value in yourself? I grabbed some magazines from the recycling pile and
On this, the crux of the matter, The Minimalists started ripping out images and words that represented
added: ‘By all means, start your decluttering project, what was important to me. I wanted space, calm, peace,
but you need to do the deeper work by asking: When did love and fun. I wanted to do less and be still. My vision
I give so much meaning to possessions? What is truly board was filled with open skies and birds flying. Yes, last
important in life? Why am I discontent? Who is the summer, I kept taking stuff to the charity shop, but I also
person I want to become? How will I define my success?’ started to look at my diary to make space and time for me.
I started to cancel meetings, be choosy about nights out
TIME IS THE CURRENCY and step back from a few extracurricular commitments.
OF OUR LIVES Over six weeks, I went to the charity shop 26 times
My definition of success is a life built on love, growth and packed my life into seven boxes, three suitcases and
and learning. And, when I asked these questions, I a basket of pans. We now live very simply on a canal boat in
realised that what I wanted more than anything was central London. Life is definitely slower. I meet my son at
more space and time in my life so I could give my full the station most days on my daily walk and we chat about
beam of attention to the people I love. Plus, I wanted school and life. Our space is so small we’re certainly
enough time to go to an evening class once a week to around each other more. My change of location has also
learn how to knit/cook/write a novel, and actually brought me a new tribe – the boating community is
finish a project. I wanted to be able to enjoy the present creative, kind and interesting. I was asked out on a date
without feeling rushed and exhausted. Time is the by a handsome man and now I have a boyfriend. I’ve just
currency of our lives. I had been spending it recklessly finished a short creative writing course and I’ve been
and was dangerously close to bankruptcy. inspired to write a book… About when I made the leap one
To see my way clear, Blackler advised me to make summer, downsized and moved onto a canal boat. And I
a vision board out of words and pictures. ‘Imagine have the time to start writing it.
you’ve finished your declutter and you’re living the sortmyspace.co.uk; theminimalists.com

54 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 55
 This is not stuff,
it’s who I am
Eleni Kyriacou treasures special possessions and would never
part with them. She explains how her precious links to the past
remind her of who she is, and that nostalgia brings her happiness

Y es, I like to keep things.

Not just anything – I’m not
a hoarder type who lines
up empty yoghurt pots by the
dozen, or buys a pair of shoes every
week to feel validated, but I do
think that decluttering is overrated.
Simplifying your surroundings
so you no longer have anywhere
comfortable to sit does not make
you a better person. For me, it just
gives me some space… to fill with
more things.
Of course, a clear-out every
so often can help you feel lighter,
perhaps more positive and
ready to move on from difficulty
if you’re going through a tough
patch. But it isn’t the answer
to your situation. It’s not a
magic wand. You don’t fi x everything when you delete
your life. After all, you’re always there. And,
why you should never attempt a helpful
crackdown on someone else’s mess. You
can’t begin to know what should go and
what should stay.
For example, there are some possessions
you’d have to prise from my cold, lifeless
hands before I’d let them go. They’re an
intrinsic part of who I am and, if I threw
them out in a cathartic frenzy, I feel I might
erase my history, my very being. (I’m not
“You’d have here to lecture anyone with a traumatic
past, for whom throwing out a lifetime
to prise some of belongings is a way of letting go and
possessions from starting again. You get carte blanche to
do as you damn well please.)
my cold, lifeless
hands before HAPPY HIDDEN MEANINGS
It’s not actual things that are important,
I’d let them go” but what they represent. Tatty recipe
books with my mum’s handwriting all
over them; she was a fantastic host and they transport
me back to happy family gatherings when there was
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

presumably, you’re keeping you.
MY HISTORY IS NOT SUPERFLUOUS
‘Oh, it’s just stuff,’ say those who love to purge, but that’s
not true. We all have items that are loaded with special
meaning, that will mean nothing to anyone else. That’s
always space around our cramped table for just one
more. The first picture my son drew for me; not just
a picture, but the culmination of years of wanting
children, three failed rounds of IVF and, finally,
adopting two gorgeous boys. I have expired passports
where my younger self stares out. She’s in her 20s, and

56 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
had just started a dream job in which she could travel at a
moment’s notice. Piled in a cupboard are boxes of black
and white photos depicting weddings and parties from
the 1950s (I wasn’t even born). Some of the people raising
a glass are recognisably family members, but many
aren’t. They’re bit players I only know through the
photos. Yes, I may even have posed studio photos of
couples I’ve never met, and haven’t a clue as to their
names. Those I really should throw out. But look at them!
All dressed up, so happy. I just don’t
have the heart. I’ll hang on to them a
while longer.
“The things we
I’m particularly nostalgic about my choose to keep,
Cypriot parents. I lost them many years or display for
ago and, never having met either set
of grandparents, they are my only link others to see,
to the past. What with time, distance are a reflection
and a war to contend with, any Cypriot
records have most likely vanished.
of who we are”
Today, aunties and uncles have long
since disappeared and, apart from a few
cousins, there’s no way to trace family
back further than myself. No amount of
searching on ancestry websites will help,
but an old snapshot of them all dressed
up in the late 1950s takes me straight
back to the people I knew.
It’s no coincidence that my debut novel
is set in 1950s Soho, the time and place of their arrival from
Cyprus. Although fiction, researching the book felt like
dipping into their lives. I’m a sucker for nostalgia and, as
the daughter of immigrants, immersing myself in this
research was the perfect project.
CAN YOU SEE ME?
Belongings matter and this is never more evident than
when visiting someone’s home for the first time. What
do you do on entering? You surreptitiously
look around, peer at their pictures and scan
their bookshelves. We all do it because we
think it will tell us something about that
person. The things we choose to keep, or
display for others to see, are a reflection of
who we are (or who we want to be seen as).
I think that’s why we all feel a bit put
out if we receive a gift that has really
missed the mark. ‘They just don’t
know me at all,’ we think. Because we
all want to be known; we all need to
be seen and understood.
The things I keep help that happen;
they’re a shorthand, an emotional
‘She Came To route right back to who I am. And all
Stay’ by Eleni
Kyriacou our emotional maps are different, as
(Hodder & are our treasures. Hang on to yours,
Stoughton,
£18.99) because they’re priceless.
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 57
Dossier

Test

What part of your life

do you need to simplify?
There’s more to decluttering than having a physical clear-out. Take
our test to find out how you need to reorder your emotional space

1 You intend to make

changes as soon as you:
♥ Have ticked off your next goal
5 A simpler life would
make you more:
♥ Relaxed
◆ Letting people down
l Worrying whether it’s right
to have done so
◆ Have got through this ◆ Productive ■ Letting go of your
busy period l Secure lifelong dreams
l Are feeling a bit more secure ■ Fulfilled
■ Know what you want to do next

6 You would use an 10 Ten years from

now, your ideal

2 Life feels better

when you’re:
■ Being creative
unexpected free hour to:
■ Daydream
♥ Get ahead
self would be:
♥ Working smarter, not harder
◆ Confident about what really
♥ Achieving ◆ Catch up matters in life
◆◊ In control l Overthink l On top of your anxiety
l Calm and worries

3 Your thinking time is

often taken up by your:
7 It’s rare for you to
feel as if you are:
♥ Enough
■ Doing something truly
innovative or inspirational

♥ List of things to do next ◆ In control

◆ Daily to-do list l OK
l Fears and worries list ■ Fulfilled Circle the answers
WORDS: SALLY BROWN. PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES

■ Bucket list that most closely

4 Which of these is
most likely to
8 Life feels unrewarding
when you feel:
◆ Taken advantage of
apply to you, then
add up the symbols.
cause you stress? l Out of your comfort zone Read the section
■ Feeling stuck in a routine ■ Trapped in a routine (or sections) you
l Feeling out of your ♥ Unappreciated circled most, to find
comfort zone

9
out how you need to
◆ Feeling rushed all the time You worry that simplifying
streamline your life.
♥ Feeling like you’re your life would mean:
treading water ♥ Giving up your ambitions >>>

58 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 59
Dossier
What kind of headspace do you crave right now?
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ♥
Psychological
It’s great to set high standards and try to reach your
full potential – but if your endless striving to be the best
creates constant, low-level stress, it’s time for a rethink.
The trouble with getting stuck on an achievement
treadmill is that you never get to feel as if you, or your
life, are enough. Self-acceptance starts with swapping
extrinsic values and aspirations, such as popularity,
financial success and image, for intrinsic values, such as
being kind. Simplifying our lives and doing less does not
have to come at the expense of success. By prioritising
activities you want to do, while letting go of others, you
may even be able to achieve more by doing less.
Start by making a list of things that are most
meaningful and pleasurable to you, or that make you
happiest – good conversations with friends, being
outdoors, listening to music… Make sure you create time
every day for at least one of these activities. Also, taking
time to reflect on three good things at the end of each
day can help keep your focus on what you’ve got, rather
than what you perceive to be lacking.
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ●
Emotional
When your default mode is stressed, you can move
swiftly into anxiety. You may have always felt things
deeply but, if life feels like an emotional rollercoaster
and too many days are overshadowed by how you feel
when you wake up, it’s time for a mindset shift. Periods
of feeling emotionally cluttered and overwhelmed
can be triggered by an upsetting event – the end of
a relationship, losing a loved one or going through a
time of transition. Sometimes, we feel emotionally
overloaded when we’re under pressure to perform
or when unhelpful beliefs about our self-worth set in.
Emotions are like weather, ever changing, and while
it’s good to be aware of the weather pattern inside, it’s
better to observe with a curious detachment than put
every worry, fear or anxiety under the spotlight.
Make time for mindfulness – meditation, exercise
or journalling – to calm your mind. The benefits of
being emotionally intelligent are cancelled out if you
overanalyse what you feel, or let passing emotions
dominate your day and trigger an overthinking spiral.
60 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ◆
Temporal
We have become a society of maximisers, mistaking
a busy life with a successful one. Feeling overwhelmed
undermines our wellbeing and our ability to focus
on what’s important. It can be doubly frustrating if,
despite being busy, you feel as if your life is stuck, or
that most of your time is spent on things that don’t
matter. If you have a tendency to be self-critical,
you blame yourself for feeling overwhelmed, telling
yourself that you should be able to cope, but you
will never do everything if there is too much to do.
Busyness creeps in if you find it hard to say no, or
you’re the one relied on to get things done. Busyness
can take its toll on things that are most likely
to bring us happiness and give life meaning:
relationships, personal growth or contribution to
community. An overscheduled life can create time
anxiety, a feeling that time is passing too quickly,
whereas feeling time affluent brings contentment.
Start by finding a ‘soft no’, such as, ‘I can’t say yes
to that right now, but ask me again in the future.’
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ■
Functional
Life feels complicated and, at times, you feel weighed
down by responsibilities – work, financial, family,
sticking to your healthy living goals or juggling projects.
Right now, you crave freedom, spontaneity and greater
autonomy. When you have a curious mind, you thrive on
new ideas and passions, but you can find a daily routine
stifling. When you’re stifled, you can feel as if your only
option is to give it all up, and you might find yourself
dreaming about running away. Sometimes, time away
is the answer, giving you a chance to think big picture,
but small changes can also make a difference and give
you a sense of being back in the driving seat.
Start by leaning in to what is already there, rather
than getting caught up in fantasising about what you
would rather be doing or how life should be. It’s easier
if you make a point of doing something different every
day, even if it’s simply taking a new route to work or
switching up your routine in the evening. Stepping
out of autopilot and being truly present and engaged
can be powerfully transformative.
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 61
● SUBSCRIBE TODAY ● SUBSCRIBE TODAY ● SUBSCRIB

Subscriber
Hello! Club benefits SAVE
Subscribe
to our
When you subscribe, you
automatically become part
of our ‘Psychologies’ Life Leap
Club commmunity receiving:
35%
magazine
right now for some
powerful life-changing
● BOTH PRINT AND DIGITAL
ideas and interviews with the versions of Psychologies magazine
best experts in the world. A ● SUBSCRIBER-ONLY
subscription to ‘Psychologies’ OFFERS and discounts on
could be one of the most
Psychologies products
valuable investments you
make, so why not treat yourself ● FREE DELIVERY directly to your
or a friend to our never-ending door in 100% PLASTIC-FREE,
pot of self-care inspiration? carbon-balanced paper packaging
This month, we’re offering ● OPPORTUNITIES to talk to the experts
you an incredible subscription
deal – receive 6 issues of both ● FREE membership to the Psychologies
print and digital editions for Life Leap Subscriber Club, unlocking
just £19.99, saving 35% on the EXCLUSIVE coaching content
cover price! Plus, we’ll deliver
each copy directly to your door.
Let ‘Psychologies’ be your
beacon of hope and light
during this uncertain time.

Editor-in-Chief,
Psychologies

Terms & conditions: Offer is for new

UK customers only and you’ll pay £19.99 for
6 issues – saving 35%. Savings are based on
the standard cover price of £4.70. Offer ends
31 July 2020. Your subscription will start with
the next available issue and you will receive
13 issues in a year. Prices correct at time of
print and subject to change. For full terms and
conditions visit shop.kelsey.co.uk/terms
Inspiring
Data protection: We take great care in features to
handling your personal details and these will
only ever be used as set out in our privacy policy
which can be viewed at shop.kelsey.co.uk/
help you live
privacy-policy. You may unsubscribe at any time.
your best life
BE TODAY ● SUBSCRIBE TODAY ● SUBSCRIBE TODAY ●

PRINT & DIGITAL

SUBSCRIPTION!
Pay just £19.99 for 6 issues
saving 35% on the cover price!

INSTANT
DIGITAL
ACCESS!

Don’t miss out – order today!

Order online at SHOP.KELSEY.CO.UK/PY0720
Call now on 01959 543747* Quote ref: PY0720
* H O T L I N E O P E N : M O N DAY- F R I DAY, 8 . 3 0A M - 5 . 3 0 P M . C A L L S A R E C H A R G E D AT YO U R S TA N DA R D N E T W O R K R AT E
Certified organic, vegan
and cruelty free mineral
sun protection for the
whole family.

P Mineral Sun Protection

P Broad Spectrum UV
Protection
P Effective Immediate
P Water Resistant
P Paraben and C lourant
Free
P Nickel Te ed <1pp
P Derm ologically ested
P Su able for Se sitive Skin
P ertified Or anic
P Vegan & uelty Free

OLOG
AT

ORGAN
M
IC
D ER

A L LY

T E S TED

EVERYDAY ORGANICS
Certified organic, registered vegan, Available at independent health stores,

cruelty free and good for your skin. pharmacies and online.

ORGANii’s range of affordable products make it easy for all of www.organii.uk

@organiieverydayorganics
us to make positive, everyday changes to our shopping baskets.
Definitely NO Parabens, NO Oxybenzone, NO Octinoxate, NO Cinnamic Acid, NO Mineral Oils, NO Nano Particles
 Real Eco
Sustainability I Upcycling I Nature I Products I Advice

“In the cycle of

nature there is no
such thing as victory
or defeat; there is
“
only movement
PAULO COELHO
ILLUSTRATION: GETTY IMAGES

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 65
 CONSCIOUS
CUPS OF COFFEE FIVE OF THE BEST
This month, our Real Eco panel
of readers has been taste-testing
Eco-friendly
sustainable coffee. These winning
independent companies help you
coffees
wave goodbye to plastic packaging Nothing beats a cup of coffee, except a
and wasteful pods, while still conscious one! Ellen Tout awards the
enjoying your cup of java. five best sustainable coffee companies
Our winning Eco Champion,
Percol, ticks all the boxes and
has been a firm favourite in our We’re wild about this
household for a while. Have you Voted the winner of our Readers’
tried one of these? Or is there a Choice award, this coffee
supports the RSPB and is
green brand you want to shout organic, vegan-friendly and
about that impressed you? Let shade-grown, which means it
helps protect the rainforest and
me know @Ellen_Tout with its native species. It’s not yet
#PsychologiesRealEco and read plastic-free but is a delicious,
eco-conscious choice, and it’s
more reviews at psychologies. not too strong either.
REAL
co.uk/real-eco. Enjoy! ●Bird & Wild RSPB coffee, ECO
”
£4.99, birdandwild.co.uk READERS’
CHOICE

“
Lovely and smooth with a
Ellen subtle dark chocolate taste
ROS, reader panellist, East Sussex
Psychologies
Eco Living Editor

Follow us!
FOR MORE HONEST REVIEWS,
TIPS AND VIDEOS GO TO:
39,000
COFFEE PODS ARE MADE EVERY
#PsychologiesRealEco MINUTE AROUND THE WORLD
CAPSULIER, 2020

psychologies.co.uk/real-eco
@Ellen_Tout @PsychologiesMag – AND A STAGGERING 29,000 OF
THEM END UP IN LANDFILL*
*

66 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0

Climate neutral
We love our award-
winning Eco Champion,
Percol. What’s more,
packaging is plastic-
free and at-home
compostable. The
coffee is tasty, organic
and Fairtrade, plus
Percol is a Climate
Neutral company.
● Percol ground coffee,
”
£4.75, percol.co.uk
Ethical and
affordable! I love it
LAURA, reader panellist, Surrey
Original source
Café Direct is a ECO
certified B Corporation SHORTLISTED
and reinvests its profits
in grower communities.
The coffee is Fairtrade and
organic. Packaging isn’t
plastic-free, but it’s a good
choice if you’re concerned
about the origin and
impact of your beans.
● Machu Picchu coffee,
”
£3.99, cafedirect.co.uk
It felt extra special.
I recommend this brand
JULIET, reader panellist, Yorkshire
ECO SHOPPING LIST…
● CONSCIOUS CHOCOLATE
is vegan-friendly, organic
and plastic-free. I love this
chocolate because it is
raw but still so smooth.
Orange & Tangerine bar,
£1.99, consciouschocolate.com
REAL
ECO
ECO
CHAMPION
“ ”
REAL
” “
Five of our favourite foodie finds, chosen with the planet in mind
● THIS VERMOUTH is made
from cascara, the fruit left
over when coffee beans are
harvested. The brand also
makes banana peel rum.
Discarded Cascara vermouth,
£19, waitrose.com
Kindness matters
These compostable, plastic-
free pods win our Editor’s
Choice award. We love Coffee
& Kin’s ethos to be ‘the
world’s kindest coffee
capsule’. Pods are compatible
with Nespresso machines,
and sales help support
The Blurt Foundation’s
mental health projects.
●Coffee & Kin capsules,
£4.50, coffeeandkin.co.uk
Full of flavour
and so smooth to drink
CHARLOTTE, reader panellist, Kent
No more plastic
These plastic-free
pods are compostable
and organic, plus they are
compatible with Nespresso
machines. The business is
ethically minded through
and through, and also
supports community
projects in Ethiopia, where
the coffee is grown.
● Blue Goose coffee pods, £18 for
four boxes, bluegoose.coffee
Great to know theycan
be composted at home
MEL, reader panellist, Conwy
● RUBIES IN THE RUBBLE
make sauces from food
waste. This natural ketchup
is produced from rescued
tomatoes and pears.
Rubies in the Rubble ketchup,
£3.50, rubiesintherubble.com
real eco
Our criteria:
We want our Real
Eco awards to be
honest, insightful
and truly green…
THAT’S WHY EACH product
is carefully scrutinised by
our Eco Living Editor Ellen
REAL
ECO Tout to ensure it meets our
EDITOR’S
CHOICE
“ standards. The chosen
products are then tested by
our panel of 25 discerning
readers to be rated and
reviewed. We will only ever
include brands we really
trust – if it doesn’t match
REAL up, it’s not getting in!
ECO
SHORTLISTED
Cuts out
plastic
Vegan-friendly
and cruelty-free
Natural and
organic
“ Sustainable
and ethical
Shows real care
for the planet
● PUKKA’S teabags are ● THIS CERTIFIED ORGANIC
organic and compostable, and vegan oat milk is
while the envelope wrap designed to bring cafe-quality
and box are now both crema to your kitchen.
plastic-free and recyclable. Great for alternative lattes.
Mint Refresh tea, £2.49, Minor Figures Oat M*lk, £2,
pukkaherbs.com minorfigures.com
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 67
 self
good thoughts

“ May you live every

day of your life
JONATHAN SWIFT
”
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

68 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0

“How can I support
community food sharing?”
Food waste is uneconomical and contributes to the climate crisis. This month,
Ellen Tout highlights the food-sharing schemes making a difference in communities
T
he number of people using food banks
across the UK has gone up by 73 per
cent in the last five years.* Charity
The Trussell Trust says Covid-19 has resulted
in a drop in much-needed donations and
volunteers. See how you can help on its website
– you can make a virtual food donation.
Unfortunately, one third of all food produced
is wasted; and research found that two thirds
of people are unaware that food waste creates
greenhouse gas emissions.** Saving food is not
just a human issue, but an environmental
one. Small local movements can make a big
difference by redistributing food and changing
the way people think about our resources.
ILLUSTRATION: NAOMI WILKINSON. *TRUSSELLTRUST.ORG; **RESEARCH
Drop, swap and share
In 2016, the environmental charity Hubbub
BY ATTEST ON BEHALF OF TOO GOOD TO GO, 2019; †HUBBUB’S
launched its first community fridge and there are
COMMUNITY FRIDGE NETWORK IMPACT REPORT, 2019
now 80 across the UK. A community fridge is a
free space where people can drop off, swap and
share food. The fridges are often located in public
places and, while some are temporarily closed,
many are still operating – check local information.
You can find your nearest community fridge on
Hubbub’s website. If there isn’t one nearby, then
you could consider setting one up. There’s a full
For planet-saving advice, email your questions about sustainable living to
ellen.tout@psychologies.co.uk with ‘Eco worrier’ in the subject line. Follow @Ellen_Tout
eco worrier
guide on the website. So, how does it work? Drop
off surplus food from home, give excess vegetables
from your allotment or collect goods that would
otherwise go to waste. Community fridges are
about more than sharing food; they are also
a place to share skills, have a chat and make
connections. Regulars at Hubbub’s fridges say
they have helped them feed their families, eat a
more varied diet and foster trust locally. In a study Bootstrap veganism
Plant-based cooking
by the charity, 50 per cent of people say they also needn’t break the bank
share cooking and veg-growing skills.† with Jack Monroe’s
new cookbook.
I also love the food-sharing apps, Too Good
● Vegan (ish): 100 Simple,
To Go and OLIO. Too Good To Go allows you Budget Recipes That Don’t
to purchase surplus food from restaurants and Cost The Earth by Jack Monroe
(Bluebird, £9.63)
cafes for a fraction of the cost. More recently, the
app added the option to support local food banks
and order from eateries near you – search
‘supportlocal’. OLIO is a free app and connects
you with people nearby who have food that needs
rescuing. Or go to the OLIO website for free
flyers to get set up as a ‘community hero’ and
distribute food to those in need in your
area. Remember to share food safely and in
compliance with government guidelines.
Clever cooking
Get creative with
For more, see psychologies.co.uk/real-eco; hubbub.org.uk/
the-community-fridge; toogoodtogo.co.uk; olioex.com, trusselltrust.org. leftovers, save money
For advice on safe food sharing, go to tinyurl.com/foodsharesafety and avoid waste.
● River Cottage Love
Your Leftovers by Hugh
Fearnley-Whittingstall
(Bloomsbury, £7.19)
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 69
 Real Wellness
Wellbeing I Movement I Connection I Health I Nutrition

“theBehome
grateful for
you
have, knowing
that at this
moment, all “
you have is
all you need
SARAH BAN
BREATHNACH
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 71
 Mindful
wellness With lockdown lethargy creeping in, now’s the time to
get more creative with mindful movement, hone our
self-awareness and show empathy towards others ”
LIGHT THE WAY Some changes
WITH KINDNESS look negative
One thing I know for
sure is that, in dark
on the surface
times, compassion is our superpower. but you will
You may have heard this before, Iris skincare
range, £17.95
Clarifying for
face
soon realise that
but let me elaborate… A style of
mindfulness meditation called loving
30ml,
mask,weleda.com
£18.99,
upcirclebeauty.com
space is being
kindness has been scientifically STAR OF THE GLOW created in
proven to reduce our stress response. your life for
In a world that feels disrupted, our
skin can mirror the imbalances we
In fact, in just eight weeks, those who
practise loving kindness meditation
experience. The iris plant is highly
adaptable, growing in conditions that are
extremely dry or wet, which is why it’s
something new
“
experience less distress than those been chosen as a star natural ingredient
in Weleda’s Iris Moisture Balancing to emerge
who don’t; it has the power to increase range. It helps restore the skin's moisture
levels, promoting radiance and resilience. ECKHART TOLLE
positive emotions and lead to
stronger relationships over time.
Let’s lift ourselves up with loving
kindness and find a better way to Cultivate
compassion
navigate our way through adversity. Notice
Lately, I have been ● The Joy

Psychologies Wellness
Director, mindfulness
expert and yoga teacher
FOLLOW US!
#mindfulhealth@aliroff
@psychologiesmagazine,
psychologies.co.uk
repeating my favourite Sanskrit yoga
mantra, ‘Lokah samastah sukhino
bhavantu', which means: ‘May all
beings everywhere be happy and
free, and may the thoughts, words
and actions of my life contribute in
some way to happiness and freedom
for all.’ Allow the words to settle into
your awareness and check in with
how they make you feel in body,
mind and heart. This mantra is a
great tool for harnessing kindness.
Journal
For Magical
Everyday Play
by Laura Brand
(Pan MacMillan,
£12.99)
Abracadabra!
I love the idea of creating with
no goal other than to have fun.
Whether you have kids or not, The
Joy Journal is a fantastic way to
bring more play into your everyday.
From flower soup to moon sand,
this book is guaranteed to deliver
some magic to your week.

72 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 real wellness

Science
LINGUISTIC
SILVER
LINING
feel into your
inner wisdom
According to the Pollyanna
principle – coined in a famous
study conducted in 1969* –
there is a superpower lurking
in the way we use words.
Research found ‘there is a
universal human tendency Mindful Health Club
to use positive words more
What can you do to change the way
frequently and diversely
you think, to foster compassion and
than negative words when connection? Try this meditation every day
communicating’. And this trend and feel positive changes in your response to
spans decades and continents. difficult situations as you rewire your brain.
In fact, a significant follow-up
study in 2015 found that human
language possesses a universal
positivity bias** and that the
1 Bring your awareness to your
breath. Then, in your mind’s eye, invite a
friend to be with you in spirit. See them smile.
most commonly used words
across 10 languages exhibit
clear positive bias. 2 Spend a few moments placing your
awareness onto all the things that make
the two of you different; your interests, ages,
Less repetition of gloomy
family backgrounds and careers.
news and social media, more

3
real conversations, greater hope! Now, take a couple of minutes to
consider all the things you have in
common. Think about the fact that you both
need air to breathe and food to function; you
both prefer pleasant experiences, and push

3in10
Axiology crayon
away or avoid unpleasant ones. Recognise that
and bullet lipsticks, neither of you wants to suffer.
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES. *J BOUCHER ET AL, THE POLLYANNA HYPOTHESIS,

from £24, asos.com

4 Can you get a sense of how much

PROCEEDINGS OF THE NATIONAL ACADEMY OFSCIENCES, 2015; †SMART TMS
‘JOURNAL OF VERBAL LEARNING AND VERBAL BEHAVIOR’, 1969; **P DODDS

you and your friend have in common

women do not feel as
ET AL, HUMAN LANGUAGE REVEALS A UNIVERSAL POSITIVITY BIAS,

– beneath the details such as likes, dislikes,

though they can have
conversations about
their mental health
issues, even with
close friends or
family members.
GIVE ‘EM LIPPIE The research
Brighten up your day or your Zoom
calls with a lick of colour to nourish
suggests it’s
your lips with natural ingredients because they
such as coconut oil, avocado butter
and candelilla wax. Mwah! fear judgment†
opinions and judgments? Feel that deep,
human connection with them. Wish them
kindness, then come back to your breath.
MINDFUL
CHANGE
5 Now try this with
someone you don’t
know very well, then with
Do you enjoy my Mindful Health
Club ideas? Check out my book,
someone you don’t feel
positively towards. Can
‘The Wellfulness Project’
(Octopus , £16.99), for mindful you let go of differences
wellness practices to transform and bring awareness
every area of your life, from to the commonality
you share as living,
food and exercise to space,
ritual and mind. breathing beings?
@aliroff

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 73
real wellness

move to the rhythm

of your body

Science
♥ WE LOVE YOGA
Discover the unique holistic You don’t need a cool
health benefits of each asana down to warm down
Forcing yourself into an
ice bath after workouts?
Recent research* found that
cold-water immersion following
strength training actually
hindered the growth of muscle
strength and mass. Researchers
say muscle strength and mass
increased to a greater extent
when finishing with an active
warm down, such as on an
exercise bike.

Vajrapradama mudra
UNSHAKEABLE TRUST HAND GESTURE
Use this signal while meditating, as a power QUOTES Get sleep fit
pose before practice, or during a mindful ”
60%
moment. Invoking this mudra restores our TO LIVE BY Is a change to your
routine unsettling you
Ritual
faith in something greater during times and making it difficult
when our inner stillness wavers.
● SIT OR STAND and allow your body to relax into
The wise to sleep at night? While
we may think exercise

The additional
a comfortable yet alert posture. rest at least before bed will increase
tiredness, it could be

as hard as
that our evening run is
percentage of good
● BRING YOUR HANDS to your heart, palms
keeping us awake.
touching. Now interlace your fingers.

”
fats contained in Commute-free
● OPEN YOUR PALMS to face your chest,
hi-oleic peanuts
thumbs pointing versus
upwards.
they work mornings could come in
handy: ‘Try to exercise
MOKOKOMA early in the day,’ says
standard
● LOOSEN THE peanuts.
INTERLACE of your fingers so that MOKHONOANA women’s health expert
For a proteinnger
they cross at the fi boost,
joints rather than the knuckles. Marilyn Glenville.
‘Exercise is stimulating
add peanuts to a
● BREATHE AND FOCUS or meditate on the
and some women find it
intentions this mudra embodies of self-confidence, hard to sleep following
coconut-based curry or
inner strength and faith in something greater than a late workout.’
Organic cotton
sprinkle onthesalads.
you – be that universe,AndMother Nature or eye pillow, £8, This Works Pillow Talk
anything else that speaks to you.
everyone loves a satay! yogamatters.com balm and pillow spray,
£25, oliverbonas.com

74 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 eatto nourish
not punish

The inside story on:

VEGETARIANISM AND
BRAIN FUNCTION
Research** shows that meat
eaters have a higher risk of
developing dementia than
vegetarians.† On the other
hand, vegetarians have more
chance of being deficient in
vitamin B12, which can cause
cognitive problems and HEALTH-GIVING GUARDIANS
dementia. Eating fish could These five natural remedies will help to support your
reduce that risk; a study†† Self-care
found that a pescatarian diet
immune system and fight illness, says medical herbalist
resulted in higher cognitive and Pukka’s herbal director Euan MacLennan.
function in Alzheimer’s
patients than a vegetarian ● Echinacea: Helpful for allowing our immune system
diet. Whatever your meal fighting infections of the respiratory to communicate and co-ordinate
choice, more fruit and Oven glove, £5.50,
vegetables can’t hurt!
tract, it may also relieve symptoms its attack against viruses.
sainsburys.co.uk
and speed up recovery. ● Andrographis: This
● Elderberries: Bursting with bitter-tasting herb promotes the
brightly coloured pigments that production of antibodies and
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES. *L ROBERTS ET AL, POST-EXERCISE COLD-WATER IMMERSION ATTENUATES ACUTE

PHYSIOLOGY’, 2015; **M DE LA MONTES ET AL, TYPE-3 DIABETES IN SPORADIC ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE, ‘JOURNAL
OF THE EUROPEAN COLLEGE OF NEUROPSYCHOPHARMACOLOGY’, 2014; †G BEESON ET AL, THE INCIDENCE OF

act as natural antioxidants, these reduces the severity of infection.

NEUROPSYCHOLOGY OF VITAMIN B DEFICIENCY IN ELDERLY DEMENTIA PATIENTS AND CONTROL SUBJECTS,

● Mushrooms: They are high

ANABOLIC SIGNALLING AND LONG-TERM ADAPTATIONS IN MUSCLE TO STRENGTH TRAINING,‘JOURNAL OF

berries are a natural source of

● Tin Can Cook
vitamin C, shown to help stop the in beta glucans, the natural
‘JOURNAL OF GERIATRIC PSYCHIATRY AND NEUROLOGY’, 2005;‡OMNIBUS DATA COLLECTION, 2019
DEMENTIA AND INTAKE OF ANIMAL PRODUCTS,‘NEUROEPIDEMIOLOGY’, 1993; ††A OSIMANI ET AL,

by Jack Monroe
(Pan Macmillan, spread of viruses through the body. substances that help prime our
£6.99) ● Vitamin C: It improves the immune system, making sure it’s
activity of some white blood cells, ready for action to fight off infection.

Elderberry &

50%
echinacea tea,
£2.99; elderberry
syrup, £11.99;
andrographis
WONDERING WHAT TO do capsules
with those tins lurking at the back (30), £7.95,
Read pukkaherbs.com of people say their
of the cupboard? Or looking to
spend a little less on groceries? Anti-poverty mood lifts after having
campaigner and food writer Jack Monroe has a cup of their favourite
put together this handy little book to help create
tasty meals from ingredients from our store
tea.‡ Nothing like a
cupboard – back-to-basics, retro deliciousness. soothing brew!

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 75
 FEEL BETTER WITH SELF-REIKI
‘In Japanese, rei means ‘‘spirit” or ‘‘soul”, and ki means ‘‘the energy of the universe”. By placing
ILLUSTRATION: FROM 'SELF-REIKI' BY JASMIN HARSONO

your hands over the body to share the unseen life-force energy, you use reiki to heal,
reduce stress and increase relaxation,’ writes Jasmin Harsono in her book Self-Reiki.
‘The power of touch is as ancient as humanity,’ shares Harsono. ‘Start by placing your
palms together, breathe deeply into your abdomen and close your eyes. Connect with reiki
(universal energy) and wait to sense it in your hands. If you don’t feel anything, trust that it is
present. Place your palms over, or lightly touch, the area that may need healing; spend at least
five minutes in this position, noticing any changes in how you feel. To finish, thank reiki.’
l Self-Reiki by Jasmin Harsono (Dorling Kindersley, £9.99)

76 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 connect to a deeper
meaning

l Little
Spontaneous
Adventures
by Amber Reid
(Summersdale,
£7.99)

Read AWARENESS OF JOY

Breathe Self-awareness can help us be more confident, creative,**
The exciting everyday
Adventures don’t need to be faraway, they can be
build stronger relationships† and, ultimately, live a happier
enjoyed in your back garden. This book has innovative life, free from being ruled by our thoughts, with the ability to step back and
suggestions for adventurous times at home: ‘Sleep
outside one evening,’ writes Reid. ‘Reset your natural simply observe them. This, ultimately, is the key to settling the fluctuations
rhythms by going to bed as twilight falls, letting the
dimming light pull you into sleep, waking
of the mind and finding peace. But how do we cultivate self-awareness?
as the natural world wakes… Or recall Research†† reveals that yoga is a spectacular tool for the job. People who
the kitchen experiments of
childhood such as the baking SELF-CARE, practise yoga have a larger precuneus and posterior cingulate cortex
soda and vinegar volcano.’ OH YEAH! – the brain regions key to our concept of self.
What else can you try? Wellness Director Ali’s free
four-week ‘Conscious Self-Care’
coaching programme in our Life
Leap Club is available now. It
includes weekly meditations and QUOTES Bumbootiful
”
30%
rituals, plus a bonus self-care yoga Brilliantly named Bumboo makes
TO LIVE BY
AND CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY’, 2004; †C FLETCHER ET AL, ASSESSING SELF-AWARENESS,
CONSTRUCTIVE FUNCTIONING: REVISITING THE HUMAN DILEMMA, ‘JOURNAL OF SOCIAL

toilet paper out of sustainable

practice. All you have to do is
‘JOURNAL OF MANAGERIAL PSYCHOLOGY’, 2003; ††C VILLEMURE ET AL, THE NATIONAL

bamboo, the fastest-growing plant

PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES. *YOUGOV; **P SILVIA ET AL, SELF-AWARENESS AND

subscribe to ‘Psychologies’ on the planet, and plants a tree for

to get access!
Why do you every box purchased – with free
delivery to your home. What’s
CENTRE FOR COMPLEMENTARY AND ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE, 2014

of women say they always go away? So more, bamboo is skin-friendly –

hypoallergenic with anti-fungal
and anti-bacterial properties.
or often feel lonely. Research* that you can come
suggests that social media
and a perceived lack of back. So that you Toilet rolls
(without

communication skills are the can see the place wrappers)

£21.50 for 24,
driving factors. Connect with you came from with “ bumboo.eco

others in our supportive and

friendly Life Leap Club when
new eyes and
you subscribe to ‘Psychologies’. extra colours
Find out more on page 62 TERRY PRATCHETT

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 77
 Go on retreat
at home
You can benefit from the healing principles of a retreat without leaving
the house. Retreat Editor and founder of Queen of Retreats Caroline
Sylger Jones brings you advice from the world’s leading wellbeing hosts

M
ake the most of your most precious
resource, time, by creating space for
life-enhancing retreat practices at
home. If you use your time wisely, you will be at
your strongest, most resilient self.
Whether you carve out 10 minutes, 30 minutes or
an hour every day, pick tips that resonate with you
and begin your personal journey. Retreat time for
me right now is made up of mini breaks throughout
the day: Morning journalling followed by yoga,
which I do outside when the sun is shining; moments
when I breathe consciously; an evening Epsom salt
bath, when I read my book; listing five things for
which I am grateful before I sleep at night…
You don’t have to retreat at home alone. Our family
art sessions are a lovely and often hilarious escape,
and we also express gratitude before our evening
meal to help us stay grounded and keep perspective.
Whatever your situation and whatever you choose
to do, your future self will thank you for putting the
chores and worries to one side, if only for a spell.
The following tips from retreat leaders are a
great place to start, and you’ll find oodles more
information and services online, including Zoom and
Skype wellbeing consultations and virtual retreats.
When it’s time to go on retreat outside your home,
Queen of Retreats features many wonderful breaks,
all verified by our trusted team of retreaters.
l For more, go to psychologies.co.uk/how-retreat-home; queenofretreats.com
1 Find beauty in the mundane
Laura Bell, yoga teacher and founder
of The Zest Life Retreats, Wales
As a mum of three children under the age of three,
trying to find a retreat in each and every day is my
challenge. I am seeking out the majestic in the
domestic – folding the kids’ clothes is my mindfulness
practice. I take my time and practise gratitude as
I fold: I am thankful for my children, who create all
this washing! We don’t have to go out to go inward.
l For more, go to thezestlife.co.uk
2 Laugh
Sharon and Lauretta Gavin,
founders of The Detox Barn, Sussex 
Watch funny movies, boxsets and clips. Laughter
reduces stress hormones, triggers the release of
endorphins and boosts T-cells – and we all need
more of those positives in our bodies these days.
l For more, go to gavinandgavin.co.uk
3 Meet yourself
Trish Whelan, founder of kundalini 
yoga retreat Soul Adventures, Ibiza, Spain
Find a practice each and every day during which
you can ‘meet’ yourself – quietly; inside of yourself
– and nourish your connection to the love and peace
that’s in your heart.
l For more, go to souladventures.co.uk

78 PPSYC
SYCHHOOLO
LOGGIIEESS M
MAG
AGAAZZIINNEE JJUUNNEE 22002109
 real wellness

JJU
UN 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 79
NEE 220021 0
4 Rewrite
your future
Sarah Bullen, writing mentor
and literary agent, South Africa
There is no magic formula to writing
– you shut yourself in a room and
write. Writers know that something
magic happens when other noises
drop away and you are left with your
thoughts and stories. Use quiet time to
become a creator, not a consumer, of
stories. Write beautiful long letters.
Write your life story. Write.
For more, go to thewritingroom.co.za/
l
mastermind.html; thewritingroom.co.za
5 Slow down
Jonathan Miles, founder of
Kaliyoga, Spain and Italy
Take a long bath, read a book, breathe
mindfully when you make your meals
and wash up... just slow the hell down.
l For more, go to kaliyoga.com
6 Soothe with breath
Ollie Frame, mindfulness with
compassion retreat leader at
The Sharpham Trust, Devon
If you find yourself becoming
anxious, use ‘soothing rhythm
breath’. Inhale for 4-5 seconds
through the nose, pause, then exhale
for 4-5 seconds through a small space
between the lips, finding a soothing
rhythm. Feel calm return.
l For more, go to sharphamtrust.org/retreats
7
Choose thoughts and
feelings carefully
Wilma Allan, owner of
Being at the Cottage, Wales
Through your self-talk, you
continually give instructions to
your subconscious, which takes
action. When apprehension creeps
in, stop and breathe in deeply. Think
of something that makes you smile,
pause, then turn your thoughts
into positive possibilities.
Choose to be in control.
l For more, go to beingatthecottage.com
80 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
“happens
Writers know magic
when other
noises drop away…
Use quiet time to
become a creator, not
a consumer, of stories. “
Write letters, or your
life story… Write
8
Check in with yourself
Amber Scott, yoga teacher
and leader at Trasierra, Spain
Our body is the boundary of our world.
In the words of mindfulness teacher
Jon Kabat-Zinn, ‘Wherever you go,
there you are.’ Take time to notice your
internal weather system: tightness,
bloating, numbness... as if you were
listening to the weatherman. One
conscious breath is all it takes to come
back to the present.
For more, go to amberscottyoga.com
11
l
Create structure
9 Plant an artful seed
Penelope Orfanoudaki,
founder of Artful Retreats,
Crete, Switzerland and Australia
To release your stress and facilitate
and rituals
Gertrud Keazor,
mindfulness and embodiment
teacher at Yobaba Lounge, France
Routine helps you stay productive and
reflection, induce playfulness. Plant avoid anxiety and depression. Rituals
a creative seed to explore at your own ground structure, which is helpful with
pace for insight and self-discovery. children at home. Get up at the same
l For more, go to artfulretreats.com/
time every day, have quality time with
art-therapy-online
the kids until lunch – let them know
10
you will do what they like with them
Have daily in the mornings and, in the afternoons,
quiet time you will do what you like or must do. 
Julie Hosler, founder l For more, go to yobabalounge.com
of Strategic Space Retreats, France
12
Making retreat space at home helps Do a digital detox
activate your senses and creativity. Jools Sampson, Reclaim
PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES
Set your alarm for an hour before your Your Self, worldwide
children wake. Light a scented candle. For a set time each day, have a break
Use sound to activate the right side of from the explosion of digital information
your brain with music from existential to reflect and practise self-care. Connect
composers, such as Philip Glass. with nature if you can.
l For more, go to thestrategicspace.com l For more, go to reclaimyourself.co.uk
 real wellness

16 Bring Mother
Nature inside
Maryann Richmond-
Coggan, owner of Green Farm, Kent
Take advantage of the positive effects
of nature on our wellbeing by bringing
the outdoors in: fresh flowers and
plants will lift your mood; candles
scented with lavender, rosemary and
mint help relieve stress; meals made
from natural local ingredients will
nourish your body. Nature is integral
to our wellness.
l For more, go to greenfarmkent.co.uk.

17 Write a daily
gratitude list
John Brant, Owner of
La Crisalida Retreats, Spain
De-stress and help clear your mind
clutter by writing a list of everything
for which you are thankful. Gratitude
is an emotion expressed through
words and actions that focuses on
what we have, rather than what we

“eachForday, 14
want or perceive is lacking in our
a set time Make batches lives. It’s impossible to have too much
have a of sauerkraut clutter in your mind when you’re in a
Claudia Spahr, founder state of peaceful gratitude.
break from the of HolyMama, Ibiza, Spain l For more, go to lacrisalidaretreats.com

explosion of digital Gut health is the basis of your immune

information to
reflect and practise
self-care
“
system, so eating live, fermented foods
will massively boost your immunity.
I make sure I have at least one type
of probiotic food daily. Sauerkraut is
cheap and easy to make. All you need
18 Learn the art
of acceptance
Nathalie Kealy, NHS
mental health practitioner and
founder of Value Your Mind
is a cabbage, salt and a Mason jar! Retreats, UK and France
For more, go to holymama.info

13
l
Practising acceptance allows us
Use intuition to

help you flourish
Emma Bodkin,
co-founder of Mountain Beach
Fitness Retreats, Switzerland
For inner guidance, add 15 years to
your age and write a letter to your
younger self. For example, here I am
aged 36 – what would my 51-year-old
heroine or hero say? Worry less. Be
authentic. Speak your truth.
l For more, go to mountainbeachfitnessretreats.com
15
Start the day with
intentionality
Olivia Clarke, founder
of The Coach House Retreat, the
Welsh border
Intentionality is the invisible
scaffolding that gives you passion
and purpose in life. It may be a simple
affirmation or an inspirational quote
that uplifts and inspires you.
l For more, go to thecoachhouseretreat.co.uk
to find clarity, release tension from
mind and body and restore calm. Set
aside one hour in your day when you
let go of past, future and ‘what if’
worries, and allow them to flow in and
out by practising acceptance. Create
a simple acceptance mantra, such as
‘I accept this thought’. Then, every
time a thought or feeling arises
that could cause tension or anxiety,
answer it with your mantra.
l For more, go to valueyourmind.com

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 81
real wellness

“ourselves
When we separate
from our
immersion in society,
we create a personal “
reset; new habits to
reinvent ourselves

19 Learn to
meditate
Lama Brian Hilliard,
founder of Mindfulness Journeys,
Morocco, South Africa and Italy
Meditation practice is a kind of
temporary isolation from conditions
that are not beneficial to us. These
conditions can include being too
busy, or having too much exposure
to negativity or sickness in the
environment. When we separate
ourselves from our usual total
immersion in society, we can create

21 23
a new kind of pristine environment,  
new conditions for a personal reset, Create a Do things
and set up fresh healthy habits to 10-year vision differently
reinvent ourselves. Jessica McGregor Tania Carriere,
l For more, go to mindfulnessjourneys.com Johnson, founder of Two Days retreat leader at Advivum
to Get Unstuck, Spain Journeys, Kent

20 Keep active
Fran Brown, Pilates
teacher and founder
of Costa Calida Spanish Retreats
Exercise decreases stress and
Einstein said: ‘Your imagination is
a preview of the best attributes the
future will hold.’ Look so far into
the future that your inner critical
voice cannot sabotage you.
To bring back awareness and
encourage mindfulness, try
and change how you live in your
environment. If you usually journal
in your favourite chair in the garden,
anxiety. Many who suffer from stress l For more, go to jessicamcgregorjohnson.com/work/ notice what happens in your mind
a-virtual-retreat-in-the-comfort- of-your-own-home

will have difficulty sleeping, which
becomes a vicious cycle. To keep
physically and mentally healthy, it
is important to get some form of
exercise. You can even exercise while
sitting on your sofa but, if you can, get
outside in nature for a walk, run or
bicycle ride. Exercise, sunlight, fresh
air and being around trees all benefit
mood. For a positive mindset, don’t
let yourself be too still.
l For more, go to costacalidaspanish.com
22
Move in a way
that you love
EricaD’Angelo,director
of wellbeing, Borgo Egnazia, Italy
Move for 30 minutes a day, but make
sure your activity is one that you enjoy.
It will stimulate neurotransmitters
and hormones that make you feel
positive, while supporting muscle
oxygenation to boost immunity.
l For more, go to borgoegnazia.com
and body when you journal standing
up in the kitchen, for example. Do
you usually chat on the phone while
cooking the dinner? What happens
when you chat with a loved one while
lying down in the least used room in
your house? Simply changing your
surroundings will change your
experience of your daily habits and
yourself. The bigger picture? It can
change how you view the world.
l For more, go to advivumjourneys.ca

82 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 The Retreat
Home I Food I Books I Podcasts I Travel I Wisdom

“know
We know what we are, but
“
not what we may be
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 83
Tune in to
adventure
We may be restricted right now, but that doesn’t
mean we can’t seek inspiration for travel or get
lost in tales of extraordinary outdoor exploits.
Dare to dream, says Podcast Editor Rachel Dobson

PRESS PLAY ON FREEDOM “

“
SOME OF US when not a lot new is going
have had too on in our lives.
If you have the
much time alone recently, Together, we listen to ‘The impulse - do it
while I feel I’ve not had a Week Junior Show’, ‘Stuck At CHERYL STRAYED
moment’s peace. And I miss Home’ and ‘Funkids Science ON THE WILD IDEAS WORTH
LIVING PODCAST
it. Instead of my dog walk, Weekly’, and they have been
run, cooking time or drive useful for introducing new
accompanied by my favourite and exciting ideas, as well
DON’T MISS!
characters and broadcasters as plugging a couple of
with their brilliant podcasts, educational gaps – if we are How to protect yourself
from cyber trauma
all my time has been shared listening properly.
UKCP talking therapies podcast
with the people in my house.  I love that podcasts are not People can become saturated with fear from
As a radio and podcast screen time, but that good social media and the news. We may be confused
addict, I’ve timetabled our ones can take you out of your by our feelings because we didn’t experience

rudderless days with my four walls and fire your any physical trauma. This month, the UK
Council for Psychotherapy’s Sarah Niblock
favourite broadcasts – ones imagination. So it’s no
chats to therapist Catherine Knibbs about
on which I need to concentrate surprise that, this month, our cyber trauma. ‘Be conscious of the platforms
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

in brief moments when I have three audio addictions are you use and what activities or content you
the kitchen to myself, and all about adventure, and engage with,’ says Knibbs. ‘Check in with your

others that trundle along in extending our boundaries at mood and how
you feel physically.
the background, giving us a time when our horizons
Try to make online
all something to talk about may feel limited. time purposeful.’

Email our Podcast Editor Rachel Dobson at rachel@racheldobson.co.uk

Listen to the Psychologies podcast channel on iTunes, TuneIn and AudioBoom or at

84 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 sounds good

Podcasts
of the
month
OUR AUDIO
ADDICTIONS
Rachel’s top 3 podcasts for
wild wanders and wonders

THE MODERN MANN
with Olly Mann
I THINK PRESENTER and writer Olly Mann
is wonderful. To be honest, I only listen
for the big interview – I don’t have much
interest in his goofing around with pal Ollie
Peart and, while I love sexpert Alix Fox’s
funny insights, it’s Mann’s excellent choice
of subject and his connection with his
1 Alice In
Wanderland
Alice Morrison has
opened my eyes to the
beauty of Morocco
and how you can go and live anywhere as
a single woman. She grew up in Scotland
with adventurous parents, worked in
senior positions at the BBC and now lives
in a remote village at the foot of the Atlas
Mountains. She is a fully fledged adventurer,
undertaking ultra marathons and long walks
with camels. Listen and be transported.

Audible book
guests that draws me. Highlights include
The Mum Who Gave Up Drinking with Clare
Pooley and Pupil A, the compelling story
2 The
Outdoors Fix
I love the practical
of the month of a former secondary school teacher. approach to doing
Listen To The Woman: adventurous things in
Season Two Liv Bolton’s podcast. Bolton interviews
Presented by June Sarpong people who’ve taken a different path
WHAT WOULD YOU say to the and gone off hiking, wild camping,
woman who saved you? Or rock climbing, cycling, skiing and wild
the one who shaped you? In the swimming to pursue their dreams. She’s
second series of the critically not shy about asking about finances or
acclaimed To The Woman, how it feels to choose a race over your best
described as a ‘heart-warming friend’s wedding, and her interviewees’
display of sisterhood’, broadcaster
answers are interesting and insightful.
June Sarpong speaks to women
THE SECRET ROOM
3
from around the world as they
address the women they choose
Wild Ideas
with Ben Hamm Worth Living
to celebrate in their lives.
Interviewees include THE OFTEN SHOCKING revelations of Who doesn’t love
activists Rose McGowan, people who are bursting to tell someone – simplicity and who can’t
Laura Bates and Munroe everyone who listens to this podcast – their put one foot in front of the
Bergdorf, politicians secret. One jaw-dropper is the single mum other and walk? Doing it with a backpack and
Jess Phillips and Ruth desperate to tell Hamm who fathered her camping along the way is taking it a step further,
Davidson, and actress 10-year-old daughter. The woman has but this podcast with Shelby Stanger opens
Helen Lederer. terminal cancer, and hasn’t told anyone your eyes to real adventurers who’ve made
‘To The Woman’ – but says it’s a famous American actor… their wild ideas reality. Psychologies favourite
is available for
£12.99 or free That’s just one tale in this huge library Cheryl Strayed talks about life since her
with a 30-day of secret stories, which often contain journey along the Pacific Crest Trail way in the
Audible trial;
audible.co.uk engrossing moral dilemmas. 1990s, and fitting in hiking as a mum today.

psychologies.co.uk. How To Develop A Healthier Relationship With The Media is out now
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 85
in partnership with Queen of Retreats
Spiritual
growth
DISCOVER ANCIENT HEALING
Soul Adventures, Ibiza
Based at a lovely property in the hills overlooking the sea in
the north of the island, the exquisite five-day ‘Soul Medicine’
kundalini yoga and healing retreat is a signature programme
led by Trish Whelan. Trish has been running Soul Adventures
retreats since 2013, and you can expect to find healing on a
deep soul level during your five fabulous days.
Review queenofretreats.com/retreats/soul-adventures-ibiza
● souladventures.co.uk
Havens for deep exploration
Now is the time to consider your innermost needs and
development. Plan one of these life-changing breaks
Wisdom
& insight
THE HUNGRY SOUL
The Arrigo Retreat, Somerset, UK
As the world undergoes a radical shift, human beings have
a growing thirst to understand ourselves better, step away
from childhood patterns and connect with a collective
consciousness. Do this in a private cottage surrounded
by the beauty and fresh air of Somerset, where the highly
successful Arrigo Programme offers intensive soul inquiry.
Review queenofretreats.com/retreat/the-arrigo-programmes-worldwide
● thearrigoprogramme.com
86 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
Revive your
essence
NATURE LEADS THE WAY
Mountain Beach Fitness Retreats, Switzerland
The healing power of the landscape has always been evident.
These dynamic retreats are centred around mountains and
beaches – two wonders of nature that have a humbling
effect on our souls. Following a difficult time of worry and
isolation, let the landscape restore you, along with workouts
and bespoke nurturing in the gorgeous environs of Verbier.
Review queenofretreats.com/retreats/mountain-beach-fitness-
retreats-switzerland ● mountainbeachfitnessretreats.com/verbier
The joy
of writing
RELEASE YOUR CREATIVITY
Arvon, various locations, UK
Discover your inner writer at Arvon’s creative writing courses
and retreats. Five-day courses are tutored by leading authors
in a range of genres, held at historic houses in Devon, Shropshire
and Yorkshire, and include a powerful mix of workshops and
individual tutorials. You’ll have time and space to write, and
plenty of support. Your creativity will grow long after you leave.
Review queenofretreats.com/retreat/arvon-writing-retreats-england
● arvon.org

Retreats
to nourish
the soul
Wellbeing for body and mind
are always the focus, and
rightly so – but don’t neglect
the soul, especially in a crisis, writes
Retreat Editor Caroline Sylger Jones
W hen we face challenging
times, eating well,
exercising in a way
that we love and looking after our
emotional wellbeing are even more
important – but we also need to attend
to the health of the soul.
The word ‘soul’ can refer to the
spiritual part of us, but also to
the emotional or intellectual energy
and intensity behind our daily
creations or our life’s work. If
something has ‘soul’, we know it’s
come from the best part of us and
that we’re on the right track.
Whatever our lifestyle and beliefs,
our soul can be looked at as our
energetic driver; the essence deep
inside us that we can use to weigh
what’s right for us at any moment.
And it flourishes when we nourish it.
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES. ALWAYS CHECK
To feed our soul during a crisis, we
GOVERNMENT ADVICE BEFORE TRAVELLING
can try to take heart and find a place
beyond fear and panic; to practise
gratitude instead of succumbing to
worry, look for joy in the small things,
use any newfound time to rest and
renew and look after one another.
When we are ready, we can then
choose to delve deeper into something
that resonates with us or, if we have
the resources, start something new
that invigorates us, be it writing, the
arts, pursuing a more challenging yoga
practice or energising ourselves in the
great outdoors – because nature is a
powerful healer.
Embrace the freedom
A retreat can be a starting, midway
or end point on your soul-feeding
journey. This can be an at-home
retreat on your own, a virtual retreat
with a trusted coach or healer, or an
actual retreat – attended alone or with
others, near your home or further
afield, later in the year or next,
whenever you are able and feel
comfortable about getting away.
At Queen of Retreats, you’ll find
ideas to help you retreat at home in
the ‘Queenly retreating at home’
section of our ‘Journal’ page and
information on virtual retreats on
our home page, as well as our curated
collection of trusted retreats from
which to choose. Now is a good time to
regroup, dream and plan ahead. I wish
you safety and wellness while you do so.
● queenofretreats.com
J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 87
the retreat
FREE SUNDAY
SANCTUARY…
with psychotherapist and
life mentor Fiona Arrigo
● Acclaimed intuitive healer Fiona
Arrigo is offering a free weekly
sanctuary at 10am every Sunday to
offer support and guidance to those
who wish to connect and find peace.
● Fiona shares esoteric wisdom and
practical guidance to support rest,
reflection, grounded teachings and
interactive dialogue.
● Fiona believes this is an
opportune time to explore
ourselves deeply, find calm and
cultivate new ways of being; to work
together as we pass through this
period, which is having a profound
impact on many people’s lives in
many different ways.
● The group meets via Zoom and
the session begins with a short
guided meditation, followed by
Fiona sharing her thoughts and
blessings. Participants are then
invited to share if they choose,
and the sanctuary will close with
another gratitude meditation.
Everyone is welcome.
For more information, go to aplacetoheal.
co.uk/events-1/2019/10/19/evolving-woman-
fiona-arrigo-dmn2n-dm9hg-58b5j
feasting

Fancy a
night in?
Rediscover your love of cooking and relish the informality
of home dining. Add a theme and your meal just got more
interesting. We’re going places, staying in!
EDITED BY EMMA COXON PHOTOGRAPHS STEVE PAINTER

C STUFFED
ooking for your nearest and dearest, and that includes
yourself, is an act of love and, since staying in is the
new going out, let’s make the most of our trusted TOMATOES
store-cupboard ingredients – with a few lovely fresh additions We love Greek food (with a glass of something
– and put the excitement, and heart, back into mealtimes. cool), chatting about that time in Crete… This
In Katherine Bebo’s new cookbook, Big Night In: Delicious dish is bursting with flavour and vibrancy.
Themed Menus To Cook & Eat At Home (Ryland, Peters & Small,
£14.99), you’ll find date-night inspiration from around the world, SERVES 4 l 2 tbsp chopped
as well as hearty family feasts and something a little different l 4-6 large tomatoes flat-leaf parsley
for the children, such as ‘Chorizo and bean burgers’, ‘Springtime l 3 tbsp olive oil l 2 tbsp chopped dill
apple slaw’ and ‘Homemade root beer’, for a memorable picnic in l 1 small onion, l 2 tbsp chopped mint
the garden enjoying the spring sunshine. finely chopped l 1 tsp grated lemon zest
In the mood for Turkish or Middle Eastern? Try fresh breads with l 150g long-grain l Salt and freshly
‘Baba ghanoush’ or ‘Falafel with tzatziki’… Mediterranean maybe? rice, rinsed ground black pepper,
How about ‘Spinach and feta pastries’, ‘Moreish mezze’ or an l 1 tsp tomato puree to season
Italian night with fresh and tangy ‘Cherry tomato bruschetta’,
‘Mushroom and Parma ham pizza’ and a negroni or two? Whether 1 Preheat the oven to gas mark 6. Cut the tops off
you’re dining on the balcony, around the chimenea, at the table the tomatoes and scoop out and reserve the pulp.
or on your lap, make the most of home with a big night in. Put the tomato shells upright in a large baking dish.
Set aside with the caps until ready to bake.
Reader
2 Heat 2 tablespoons of the oil in a frying pan over
offer a low heat. Add the onion and fry until softened.
Add the reserved tomato pulp, rice and tomato
puree. Season with salt and pepper.
Psychologies readers can buy 3 Bring the mixture to the boil and cook for
a copy of Big Night In for the special 10 minutes, stirring often. Stir in the parsley,
price of £10 (RRP £14.99). To order,
go to rylandpeters.com and use
dill, mint and lemon zest.
code ‘PSYCHBIGNIGHTIN’ at the 4 Fill the tomato shells with the rice mixture and
checkout. Offer valid until 1 July top with their caps. Drizzle with the remaining oil,
2020. P&p charges may apply. cover with foil and bake in the oven for 1 hour, until
the rice is tender. Serve warm or at room temperature.

88 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 BUFFALO CAULIFLOWER
AND CHICKPEA BOWL
A taste bud-tickling vegan dish that’s a riot of flavours.
Enjoy as a side, a veggie-filled lunch or a light dinner.
SERVES 4
TAHINI RANCH DRESSING
Makes about 175ml
l 50g tahini, mixed well
l 60ml warm water
l 2 tbsp finely chopped chives
l 1 tbsp finely chopped parsley
l 1 tsp onion powder
PATATAS BRAVAS l
l
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp dried dill
This classic Spanish tapas dish works l 1 tsp maple syrup
beautifully with a selection of other little l Juice of ½ lemon
dishes – frittata, salads, olives and dips l ½ tsp salt
– or enjoy on its own as a starter. l Black pepper, to season
FOR THE CAULIFLOWER
SERVES 4 l 1 x 400g can l 1 head of cauliflower,
l 300g waxy plum tomatoes chopped into florets
potatoes, peeled l 1 tsp hot smoked l 1 tbsp olive oil
l 2 tbsp olive oil paprika
l 1 shallot, chopped l Salt and freshly
l 1 garlic clove, ground black pepper,
1 Preheat the oven to gas
mark 7. First make the
chopped to season
‘Tahini ranch dressing’. In
l 1 dried chilli l Chopped parsley,
a small bowl, beat together
l 1 tbsp sherry vinegar to garnish
all the ingredients until
1 Boil the potatoes in salted boiling water until well combined. Or, puree
just tender. Drain, cool and dice. everything in a small food
2 Meanwhile, prepare the spicy tomato sauce. processor. Add a splash more
Heat 1 tablespoon of the oil in a small, heavy- water, if needed, for your
bottomed frying pan. Add the shallot and garlic desired consistency. Set aside.
and crumble in the dried chilli. Fry, stirring, for 1-2 2 Prepare the cauliflower by
minutes until fragrant. Add the sherry vinegar and adding it to a large bowl with
continue to cook for 1 minute until syrupy. Add the the oil and 1 tablespoon of the
canned tomatoes and mix well. Season with salt hot sauce. Season with salt
and pepper and add the smoked paprika. and mix together until the
3 Turn up the heat and bring to a boil. Cook the cauliflower is well coated.
sauce, uncovered, stirring often to break down 3 Spread on a baking sheet
the tomatoes, for 10-15 minutes until reduced. and roast in the preheated
4 In a separate large frying pan, heat the remaining oven for 20 minutes. Take out
olive oil. Add the cooled, diced potatoes and fry and toss with the remaining
until golden brown on all sides, stirring often, then 2 tablespoons of hot sauce.
season with salt. Pour the cooked tomato sauce 4 Return to the oven for 5-10
over the potatoes, garnish with chopped parsley minutes until the cauliflower
and serve hot or at room temperature. is lightly browned at the edges.
90 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
l 3 tbsp hot sauce
l Salt, to season
FOR THE CHICKPEAS
l 1 tbsp avocado or olive oil
l 1 x 400g can chickpeas,
drained and rinsed
l ¼ tsp garlic powder
l 2 tbsp hot sauce
l Salt, to season
FOR THE SALAD
l 1 bunch cavolo nero, stems
removed and shredded
l 1-2 tbsp ‘Tahini ranch
dressing’, see recipe,
plus extra to serve
l 1 large carrot, ribboned
l ½ small red onion, thinly
sliced into half-moons
5 To make the chickpeas, heat
the oil in a large frying pan
over a medium-high heat. Add
the chickpeas, garlic powder
and salt to season.
6 Cook for 3 minutes, tossing
regularly. Stir in 1 tablespoon
of the hot sauce and cook,
stirring for 2-3 minutes, until
the chickpeas start to brown.
Remove from the heat and stir
in the remaining tablespoon
of hot sauce.
7 Combine the cavolo nero
with the ‘Tahini ranch
dressing’ in a bowl. Massage
the dressing into the cavolo
nero until it begins to soften.
Toss in the carrot and red
onion and mix until everything
is coated in the dressing.
Divide the salad into bowls
and top with the cauliflower,
chickpeas and extra dressing.
feasting
 Nibbles time.
feasting Tapas board, £32,
abodeliving.co.uk

Serves you
right! Salad
servers, £12,
habitat.co.uk
Get set. Cutlery
(16 pieces), £75, Light your way.
habitat.co.uk Orla Kiely tealight
lantern, £11.95,
Home is where the art is. cuckooland.com
Typography print, £19,
rocketjack.co.uk

Swish dish. Oven casserole,

£25, habitat.co.uk

Bowled over. Tapas

bowls, £6 each,
habitat.co.uk
On display. Vases and votive candle holders Mellow yellow.
set (with tray), £35, beaumonde.co.uk Oil bottles, £33
Blogger
Let’s eat
each, knowand
love.co.uk
spotlight
outside!
‘There is no love sincerer than
For al fresco dining.
Salad bowl, £25,
the love of food,’ said George
johnlewis.com Bernard Shaw, reminding us
Game for a laugh? Quiz, £9, of one of life’s simple pleasures.
store.wildandwolf.co.uk
Touch of glass. Goblet, On quieter days when the sun is
£46.95 for a set of 6, shining, there is time to prepare
Little pleasures. Lucy’s Green notjustjugs.com
dishes we love, uncomplicated or
Pesto Dressing, £3.20, waitrose.
com; Cotswolds Wildflower Gin more inventive, and show greater
No. 1, £34.95, cotswoldsdistillery. appreciation of the food we share, Jo Allison is passionate
com; Love Beets sliced beetroot, indoors and out. Make mealtimes about cooking simple
£1, tesco.com; Jason’s Craft
Beer Ciabattin, £1.80, marks
a celebration; use your best family food with
andspencer.com; Tracklements tableware and play background ingredients from her
Heritage Tomato Relish, £3.35, music or, better still, dine al fresco. pantry. Her meals
tracklements.co.uk; Posh Cow
Whatever feels special for you,
Honey & Cinnamon butter, are easy, quick and
£2.80, marksandspencer.com; let’s set the scene for fine dining
nutritious, and she
St Peter’s Without Alcohol-Free in the comfort of home.
beer, £1.49, tesco.com favours seasonal, locally
sourced ingredients.
At joskitchenlarder.com,
EASY DOES IT Simple feasts for everyday enjoyment in the sunnier months she shares recipes for
wholesome, tasty
dishes without faddy,
hard-to-find ingredients.
Try Jo’s ‘Vegan chilli
1 2 3 4 sin carne’ or her hearty
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

‘Butternut squash
macaroni cheese’. If you
fancy baking, her gently
spiced ‘Dorset apple cake
1 Marcus Everyday by Marcus Wareing (Harper Collins, £20) 2 Time To Eat by Nadiya Hussain (Michael Joseph, £20) traybake’ looks divine!
3 Table Manners by Jessie and Lennie Ware (Ebury Press, £22) 4 Fakeaway by Chris Bavin (DK, £14.99)

92 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 DON’T MISS OUT!
ORDER OUR NEXT ISSUE NOW AND GET FREE DELIVERY!

ORDER
NOW! issue
Have the Jutly our
delivered onyormal
door for therice*
shop p

Order online aat SHOP.KELSEY.CO.UK/PSYJUL20

Call now on 01959 543747** Quote ref: PSYJUL20
Order by 22 May and your copy will be posted to you. It should arrive by Friday, 5 June
**H OT LI N E O PEN : M O N DAY- F RI DAY, 8 . 3 0A M - 5 . 3 0 PM . CA LL S A RE C H A RG ED AT YO U R S TA N DA RD N E T WO RK R AT E
*Terms & conditions: Please order by 22 May. £4.70 is for delivery in the UK only. An additional £1 will be added to all overseas addresses to contribute towards the postage costs. Cover subject to change.
The Words
The words you read or write are always there for you, of that you
can be sure. Let these literary caregivers soothe you this month

“ All my life
I have lived and
behaved very much
like the sandpiper
just running down Discover
the edges of different HOW TO MAP
♥
Book of the
countries and “ THE FUTURE
It’s part of the human condition
month continents, looking to want to know what will
happen in our future; we chart,
for something predict and forecast, struggling
WHAT HAVE I DONE? with uncertainty. But even with
An Honest Memoir About ELIZABETH BISHOP all the tools at our disposal,
Surviving Postnatal Mental Illness WORDS IN AIR
experts cannot give us all the
By Laura Dockrill answers we crave. Uncharted
(Vintage, £14.99) is a fascinating look at
Bold, brave and raw, it must have uncertainty, why we fear doubt
taken immense courage to write this and what we can do in the face
phenomenal memoir. Laura Dockrill’s of unknowing; by ignoring
candid confession of what happened to false prophets and cultivating
her mind after a perfect pregnancy is a preparedness and resilience.
rallying call for a deeper understanding ● Uncharted: How To Map The Future
of the struggles faced by many new Together by Margaret Heffernan
(Simon & Schuster, £20)
mothers. The birth of her child was
traumatic and, within sleepless days LOST IN TRANSLATION
and nights, Laura was assaulted by
paranoid thoughts, overwhelmed Commuovere (n)
EITHNE FARRY. PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES
EDITED BY ALI ROFF FARRAR. MAIN REVIEWS:

by anxiety and drowning in delusions.

Instead of cradling her newborn, she
Language: Italian
was trying to survive psychosis. That heart-warming
It’s a tough read, but hugely inspiring, story that moved you to
because this is a story about recovery,
tears… It’s a commuovere,
told with a winning dash of humour,
and provides desperately needed friends – and we amore
insight into postnatal mental health. some of those!

94 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
 the retreat

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS…

Love, family, heartbreak and healing – three
wonderful novels to entertain and move you

1 Writers & Lovers

Paper
therapy FERTILE GROUND
FOR DREAMS
In unpredictable periods,
we forget the power
of imagination, and to
dream boldly and
deliciously. Remember
that uncertainty is an
agent of change, inviting
us to have a conscious
relationship with life.
Write a vivid account
of what you want for
your life – and don’t
hold back!
Jackee Holder is a coach, facilitator and author of ‘49 Ways To Write Yourself
Well’ (Step Beach Press, £12.95); @jackeeholder; jackeeholder.com
By Lily King
(Pan Macmillan, £14.99)
Casey is blindsided by the loss
of her mother, her debts are
stratospheric and her heart is
Notebook, £7.99, broken after a failed romance
gettingpersonal.co.uk;
pencil case, £8, with a poet. She’s giving up on
paperchase.com love, but not on her dream to
be a writer. Then along comes
Silas, with a broken-toothed
smile and a kind heart, followed
by widowed Oscar, who has
two little boys and a successful
career. But who will she choose?
Romantic, funny and with
wittily wicked observations on
writers, readers and lovers, this
is a gorgeous, life-affirming read.
3 The Consequences Of Love
By Gavanndra Hodge
(Penguin, £14.99)
The author’s childhood was dangerously
harum-scarum; her dad was a heroin addict
2 When The Lights
Go Out By Carys
Bray (Cornerstone, £14.99)
Emma and Chris have
weathered redundancy,
bereavement and broken
dreams but, as the rain pours
down, Chris’s obsession
with the climate crisis is set to
scupper all they hold dear. He
stockpiles food and turns off
the electricity, attempting to
save his family, while Emma
tries to keep things on an even
keel in the wake of his panic.
This novel has weighty
themes, handled with the
lightest of touches, humour
and hope. A lovely read.

“
supplying drugs to Chelsea aristocrats and
What makes a ghost “ her mother an alcoholic model. When her
sister died, their precarious world fell apart.
a ghost? Can a person be This moving memoir recounts Hodge’s

haunted by herself? valiant attempts to remember the sister she lost, and her efforts
to reconcile how she appears – a successful journalist with a loving
C PAM ZHANG, family – with the feeling that she’s in ‘skin-of-the-teeth survival mode’.
HOW MUCH OF THESE HILLS IS GOLD Brilliantly written and heartbreaking but also joyful and uplifting.

J U N E 2 0 2 0 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 95
 essentials
Positive 1-to-1 advice for
a stress free and relaxed life
THE GENTLE WAY OF RETURNING TO SILENCE
Inner calm and relaxation
UNIQUE 1-TO-1 TELEPHONE COUNCELLING
With Buddhist monk
Ven. Lama Shri Sadhu Dharmavira

Practices and advice for finding inner peace and calm in a world
of chaos. Simple down to earth daily exercises that can bring
Some stillness and calm to your life.

Sadhu has a background of over 50 years of training as both a

Zen and Tibetan Buddhist monk, and has been teaching
relaxation and meditation techniques since 1969.

These telephone consultations are for health and wellbeing and

are open to everyone.

Telephone consultations with Sadhu

are available Between 10am and 5pm,
7 days a week

To receive full details about the

consultations
Please telephone 01723 862 496
(calls taken between 8am – 6pm,
7 days a week) VEN LAMA SHRI SADHU DHARMAVIRA

Get £
20
off ou 0

CAREER
r
Cert c PG
when o u rse
y
‘PS20 ou use
0’ wh
bookin en
g

RECONNECT WITH YOUR PURPOSE

Coach Training for People Who Want to

POW WORKSHOPS & TRAINING
QUALIFICATIONS
Make a Difference

Utilitsing the
ICF & PG Cert in Business & Personal Coaching
IFEEL METHOD Our ICF & University accredited course incorporates a mix of coaching theory &
practice, with a focus on the psychology of change & human motivation. All within
an adult learning environment.

Barefoot offers all coaches lifelong professional development through CPD,

events and access to expert supervision.

Come to a Taster Morning

LE We run free of charge taster mornings throughout the year to help you decide if
Barefoot is the right training provider for you.

Get in Touch
www.barefootcoaching.co.uk • 01332 863641 • info@barefootcoaching.co.uk
ore
NO EXPERIENCE book t:
OF HORSES IS
R E Q U IR E D

TO ADVERTISE CALL NIKKI.PETERSON 07825 561680


A SPECIALLY CURATED, UPLIFTING SELECTION OF
PRODUCTS AND SERVICES TO IMPROVE YOUR MONTH
Friendinabox
The perfect way to show you care when
you can’t be there. Thoughtful gifts in
an eye-catching letterbox-friendly blue
box with a“typewritten”letter. Ideal
for Mother’s Day, birthdays or to lift a
friend’s spirits. Popular boxes include:
Pink Pamper, Spa Night, Be Kind to
Yourself, Relaxation, Mindfulness.
● www.friendinabox.co.uk
PotterandMooch
Ear Wings climbers for a single piercing
due to the small wire bar that runs up
the back of the lobe. Made in England
on Sterling Silver, 14ct Yellow or Rose
Gold wires. SWAROVSKI Elements.
The perfect gift. Loved by all ages. From
£22 a pair. Hypo-allergenic. Nickel-free.
01903 331744
● www.potterandmooch.co.uk
shop
Livelifetothefullest.
Discrete, durable, and attractively
priced,Wearever washable
incontinence underwear is resistant
between 200 - 250 washes featuring
varying levels of protection against light,
moderate, and heavy leakage (up to
650 ml).Try our First Pair Guarantee:
Full Refund option on a 3 pack
● www.mypelvichealth.co.uk
Saskia’sFlowerEssences
If you suffer from anxiety, panic attacks
and fear in new situations Saskia’s
Flower Essences Calm and Confident
combination might be just what you
need.
Made with love and integrity in
Somerset.This award winning essence
is available for £10+p&p
● www.saskiasfloweressences.com
psychologies promotion
Ommie
Ommie and the Magical Garden is a
yoga storytelling book for children aged
3-8, created so they can experience
the positive benefits of yoga in a fun,
innovative and accessible way.As
well as teaching new yoga poses,
Ommie helps children understand that
happiness can come from within by
simply enjoying and looking after the
world around them.
● www.ommie.co.uk
Experiencethefreedom
The Uresta Bladder Support Pessary
is a self-managed non-surgical device
solution that supports the urethra to
help significantly reduce or stop urine
leaks (stress urinary incontinence)
comfortably and instantly whilst worn
giving you the confidence to choose
life - not leaks!
● www.uresta.co.uk
 muse

“ Rathertenthedan bbyeinthg e
sertaihenarty of life, what if we
di
uccnecpted it and relaxed into it?
a
at if th is
Wmeahns to be human and is w h a t it
waenddeciendjedoytothseit ridowden “

PEMA CHÖDRÖN
IMAGES: CHRISTINE ALICINO; GETTY IMAGES

Pema Chödrön is our favourite wise woman. Beloved Buddhist teacher, author, nun and mother,
she has inspired millions of people around the world who have been touched by her example and
message of practising peace in these turbulent times. The Pema Chödrön Foundation is dedicated to
preserving and sharing Pema’s inspiration and teachings in order that they might help us all awaken
wisdom and compassion in ourselves and the world around us. pemachodronfoundation.org
To buy her books, go to shambhala.com; bookdepository.com; betterworldbooks.com

98 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E J U N E 2 0 2 0
NEW! from ‘Psychologies’
Declutter your world: streamline, organise, simplify and release
DO YOU WANT MORE mental and
physical space in your life? This special
bookazine is a comprehensive guide to
letting go of what’s holding you back, so
you can start living the life you truly want.
LEARN HOW TO…
● Streamline your life with the latest psychological
insights and tools to create more ease and less chaos
● Take back control and achieve order

● Look at the costs of living your life in a state

of confusion and make a plan to find clarity

● Let go of emotional blocks that keep you stuck

● Explore minimalism and a life built on

ORDER!
values, not things

TOOD A Y
NLY

£6.99 INCL P&P

*

THIS EDITION IS PACKED

with inspiration and information
to help you remove the physical
and emotional ‘stuff ’ in your life,
so you can freely attract what you
want, and have room for it. What’s
stopping you? Let’s get started!

ORDER YOUR COPY TODAY

Order online at SHOP.KELSEY.CO.UK/DECLUTTER
or call 01959 543 747** and quote DECLUTTER
Please allow up to 30 days for delivery. *Price is for UK only. EUR and ROW price is £8.99. All prices include p&p.
**
Lines are open Monday to Friday, 8.30am-5.30pm. Calls are charged at your standard network rate.
For full terms and conditions, visit shop.kelsey.co.uk/terms
 “A piece of jewellery can’t change the
world. But it can change the way you
feel. And that can change your world,”
Jo Stroud, Mantra Founder

READER
OFFER
15% discount
to Psychologies
readers*