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485 MADison Avenue 1 "| 485 MADison Avenue

New York, N.Y. 10022 : New York, N.Y. 10022
| enclose $9.75* Please send a i ht | enclose $9.75* Please send a
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 NUMBER) 236 JANUARY 1983 VITAL FEATURES

A born executive is a guy whose father owns the business!”

—Alfred E. Neuman
Satire)
WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor Pg. 4

LEONARD BRENNER art director TOM NOZKOWSKI production

NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor
GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI subscriptions
JACK ALBERT Jawsuits |ANNE GRIFFITHS logistics
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS “AWFUL
the usual gang of idiots ANNIE”
(Another
MAD Movie
DEPARTMENTS Satire)
BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
Pg. 15
The Lighter Side Of
DON MARTIN OUT-TAKE DEPARTMENT
MH iacne scka cee a. Recto nates
“Annie”. . Sr E 4
“Star Trek II"
HOW MANY
ERR APPARENT DEPARTMENT MISTAKES
How Many Mistakes Can You Find In This Picture? CAN YOU
(A Discount Stereo Hi-Fi Store). FIND IN
FUNNIES’ BONES DEPARTMENT THIS PIC?
A MAD Guide To The Anatomy Of The Human Body Pg. 24
Based On The Comics
GAUL BUSTING DEPARTMENT
Chutzpah Is
GIVING ET THE FINGER DEPARTMENT
“Q7.—The Quasi-Terrestrial” (A MAD Movie Satire). . 4
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
THE ANATOMY
Spy Vs. Spy
OF THE
HUMAN BODY
LETTERS DEPARTMENT BASED ON
Random Samplings of Reader Mail THE COMICS
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Pg. 35
“Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones .
ORPHAN RUINING DEPARTMENT
“Awful Annie” (Another MAD Movie Satire)
PLAQUES FOR CLAQUES DEPARTMENT
Mottos, Oaths, Inscriptions, Etc.
Rewritten For Special Interest Groups ....
PROFITABLE ENTERPRISE DEPARTMENT
“Star Blecch ll—The Wreck Of Korn”
(Still Another MAD Movie Satire)
SPOILED MEET DEPARTMENT
When Not To Use Famous Pick-Up Lines
TRIPLE-SWEAT DEPARTMENT
Bad...Worse...Downright Horrible! ............

**Various Places Around The Magazine

BLECCH II”
MAD (ISSN 0024 9219) is published monthly except February, May, August and November by EC. (Still Another
Publications, Inc., 485 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid at New
York, N.Y. and at additional mailing offices. Subscription in U.S.A.: 10 issues $9.75, Outside U.S.A MAD Movie
10 issues $11.25, Entire contents copyright © 1982 by E.C. Publications, Inc. Allow 10 weeks for Satire)
change of adgress to become effective, and include mailing label when making change of address
of inquiring about your subscription. POSTMASTER: send address changes to MAD, 485 Madison
Avenue, New York, NY 10022. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited
manuscripts, and tequest all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped selt-addressed return
envelope, The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and sem/-fiction are fictitious. A similarity
without satiric purpose to aliving person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A
 LETTERS DEPT. MISSING IN ACTION A LICENSE TO LAUGH
Hey!!! Your magazine is confusing and Thought you might enjoy panes photo-
ctazy enough without leaving things ouc!In graph of the license plate my children of-
your “Marching Songs Now That The dered for me.
Atmed-Forces Are Co-Ed,” you left our some Barbara Marks
of the titles! Now ple sed n't do cata ymor Hillsborough, CA
hank ou! Michele Ray
Albuquerque, NM
I don’t believe it! Mort Drucker was so
“M*uts*H" busy making Radar look like Alfred E.
Neuman,heforgor toputFrank Buns onthe
Re: your take-off on M*A*S*H —you were cover of MAD har’s M*A*S*H
too kind, Since the show when Radar was without “old Beret 2
sent home, the writing has zone from good Matk Sccrpella
to garbage. The characters have all been Oak Creek, WI
butchered and censored into what resembles: After examining the cover of your latest
“Est” graduates. Loretta Swit looks like she The Plate Says It All
issue, F can only condude thar Frank Buns:
just shot a "What Makeup Can Do” com- was “HONORABLY dis¢ y
mercial, and the show's become so sloppily fad Gregg, PUNK ROCK
maudlin that they should change the title to
“As The War Tarns”. Don't let the day come
Allentown, PA Look, punk rockers have a pretty bad
when "Too Close For Comfort” wins an 1 give my compliments to Mort Drucker reputation as it is, so please don’t make
Emmy; We must never forget what's bad. for the M*A*S*H cover on MAD #234 things worse by crediting them with per
Vicky Smith One question, though: you show everyone verse acts such as biting off the head of a live
Arvada, CO who hiss ever been in the main. cast_ of chicken, Such actions are reserved for h
M*A*S*H, Why did you leave off the origi- metal/acid rock morons like Ozzy Osbort
I want tocallyou every four-letter word in nal budinski of the show, Frank Buns? A better pickup line would have been
the book for insulting M*A*S*H, my favor- Chris Nelson "Haven't we slammed somewhere before? 1
ite TV show! (But to tell you the tuch, T Bel Air, MD. never forget a spiked collar.”
agree with almost everything you said.) The R.A. Hill
reruns ate better than the current show and The reason Frank Buns was left off the cover Somewhere, USA
Hawkeye certainly isn’t the big stud he used of issue = 234, and some song titles were
to be Jack Gordon. omitted from “Marching Songs Now That The
Watertown, WI Armed Forces Are Co-Ed" is because of the You must get a lot of dates.—Ed,
severe budget cuts enacted by the Reagan
As MAD has stated many times, anything Administration. Thankfully, because of a
thar McLean Stevenson is associated with 1s partial reappropriation of funds by Con- “COMMEMORATIVE STAMPS”
always acomplete bomb, Isn’t putting him gress, we are now able to publish below the You guys had a stamp honoring Jimmy
on your cover a bit suicidal? : four omitted song titles. If you want Frank Carter (5¢ Mediocre President), bur you
‘Jonathan Weinstein Buns to appearon the cover of MAD, we urge obviously forgot the stamp that honors Ron-
Merrick, NY you to write your congressmen.—Ed. ald Reagan-0¢ Bankrupt President!
Bob Hodge Jr.
No more so than printing your letter!—Ed. (Reading lefttoright.) "The Service-Women's Rialto, CA
Rouser” as sung to the tune of “Anchors
Aweigh"; “The Women's Anti-Uniform An-
STEALING MATERIAL them’ as sung to “Over There”; “The Ser WATT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
In regard to Al Jaffee’s collection of vice-Women's Fight Song" as sung to "From
“Theft And Vandal-Proof Products,” how The Halls Of Montezuma"; ''The Air Thank you for your “Watt... We Worry!”
abour a device which keeps jerks at the Women's March” as sungto“Off
We Go Into poster. Irshould behung with the mug shots
newsstand from folding-in ie back cover of The Wild Blue Yonder”, of other insidious criminals in every post
your magazine? office throughout the country. Watt, with
Brett Coker MAD ON VACATION his underhanded attempts to emasculate
San Bernardino, CA No vacation is complete withour MAD. American ¢ny amerallesns mal
Everywhere! Acany time! And I really mean look likean Eagle Scout
fiee’s" Theft And Vandal-Proof Prod. it (at 30 miles per hour)! Bob DeNike
as just great!Ofcourse, you wouldn't John M. Kellen Porterville, CA
have to have a thelt-proof issue of MAD “Toronto, CANADA
who'd be stupid enough to steal MAD2!? Let's be fair. There isn't anything on the
Lee Velsor planet Earth that could make Nixon look like
‘West Babylon, NY
an Eagle Scout!—Ed.
PLUGGING AWAY
I try to get away from the insanity of “PASTIMES”
MAD by watching some intelligent TV four “MAD Pastimes For The Bedrid-
(mainly, “Good Morning America”) and den” was really sick!
who do I sce? Dick DeBartolo, Mort Tatia Johnson
Druckerand Al Feldstein! How many people Germantown, TN
did you have to pay off to get on that show?
Andy Sigler In “MAD Pastimes For The Bedridden”
Princess Anne, MD you forget “Bellybutton Line Knitting.”
David Pier Pont
Boulder, CO.
THE AMERICAN WAY
Your "MAD Look American Justice” Please Address All Correspondence To:
was “the trach, the whole truth, and nothing MAD, Dept. 236, 485 MADison Avenue
bur the trurh,” New York, New York 10022
Someone Unsolicited Manuscripts will not be returned unless
Somewhere, USA A Super Special Photograph accompanied by a self-addressed stamped envelope!"
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Rip-Off MAI C DON. MARTIN Steps Out Ci Return of MAD Old Movies (J More MAD About Sports
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winging MAD (DAVE BERG Looks at People ord! Another JAFFEE Snappy Answers {1 MAD Guide to Careers
AD Overboard C) DAVE BERG Looks at Things iLJAFFEE Freaks Out (MAD Survival Handbook
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 GIVING ET THE FINGER DEPT.
Wanna make a block-buster of a movie? Here's the recipe: Take a large helping
of precocious kids, add a dash of sci-fi, fold in a generous amount of special
effects and top it off with an “extra terrestrial”! Just make sure it's not the
usual outer space monster! Make it almost human! Make it adorable! Make it a...

Zin blump Gagoonimishik jg) Balapida dzugi |

| Gluz! Dza | { Leplula fnik (Ogpu! Gi] «|Groo blin [We Blasha glik
gabarble? “muggle forn"! [Mel __tig-fi mo-tsil Ua) sizzgize! Spa Fon Plip! Parv zipp! |_| zeegrhii? dino biddle s:
+ i. BGS CSS Sel eed
Te
Ce Ss
mranstarion QRS TRANSLATION TRANSLATION THANSLATION TRANSLATION reaxstation
Do you S| think this | just saw a Silly! Thi: the Me, too! What 5 Two things... !One oy
©) is Southern very strange That last time | specif inter @® answers the question,
California! A bh EARTH CREATURE was two I take one of ically esting § “What kind of plant
raccoon with back there in humans » these Inter- ordered a things life grows here?” yi)
sunglasses the clearing! making Planetary Kosher and the other answers gi
just told me It was half- love Economy dinner... the question, "What
to “have a man...and in the Charter and didn't does a bear do in the
f% —nice day!” half-woman!! grass! Flights! get it!! covered? woods?” Yeccechhh!!

it KES
A
 Freenzig! You watch your language!
Potrzebie There will be no dollar
tae signs, asterisks, ampor
Quick!
® Everybody ‘
B into the
leave here
immediately!

Ze oT
Hey, kid! |] The usual! Pepperoni with
ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: STAN HART

Someone IS there! He couldn't He—he may not be able

“Mama's || double rubber cement catch the baseball u threw int! field! But can he pitch!
Pizza’! =
What That's funny! | don't re-
kinda member leaving a light on
pie you [am in the shed! Maybe there's
order? someone hiding in there?
 Why don't you sleep out : | Bezzle shnork De ? gq |'m gonna drop these candies!
here tonight and keep 2 frightened! = If you follow them, they'll
watch! Then we'll know {J 6 @) My dog just lead you right to my bedroom!
for sure in the mot t aq wants to be | funny way | :
— 5 ‘ away from me!! @ your friend! | of SHOW. [9] It should only work that way
But what if it’s danger. sateen i with GIRLS when | grow up!!
| ous... and KILLS me A

ce
| used Reese's They ALSO don't There's no doubt you have superior [This is my neck! Well... almost...
Pieces because |} melt in your stomach! intelligence, but let’s start slow! =
they don't melt| This dopey kid is Vt
in your hand! |3 trying to poison me! AONThis is my chin! “1 Hmmm... close! A
Para, COCK

ue ie
My eye...! There's no doubt you
have superior intelligence! But the
question is... superior to WHAT?!?
=
we

= = =e
@\( By the way, you don’t have ‘i Oh, good! I'm glad it's coming down! If it
What's your =!
to do everything | do! In eee 3 | temperature goes back up again, | guess I'll have to
4 ¢ 4
ea eee R cswork! Promiseme youl stayi bedand
al i :] Hh t

. — ene drink plenty of Itquids and try not to die!

Hey! What are In that case, you're T want both of u No... mean SWEAR!
you DOING...? [7] really [—] gonna LOVE the bubble you to solemnly Make a vow about some-
Eating a piece like gum that comes in my swear to keep thing really important!
of plastic?!? baseball card packs!! a secret... !!
Okay! | swear that if and may
| don’t keep the secret, God strike
may your skin peel off! you dead!

eT 1 {it
Quick, 271} Okay, what's going ON up Okay! By the Don't get
Hide in the there?! If yo uu boys are by, isn’t this PO.'d at
closet with conducting experiments on darling hai ME, Mom!
Mite and your Sister aj gain, you'll My coming
Girth!! have to answer to ME!! rot out of the
My God!! What closet was
are you doing?! YOUR idea!

] No! They'd We should keep You see that?!? Wow!! That's because Unfortunately, he doesn’t have
only take That's him here with He just made that he has SUPERIOR a SUPERIOR SENSE OF HUMOR!
him toa right! US!! We could FLOWER come alive!! POWERS!!
Lab and do And PLAY with him c:
all kinds then for a while
of WEIRD they'd
TESTS KILL Yeah! Then WE |
‘on him!! him! could kill him!
 Today, we are goingto WJ Jump up and Now | know what Earthlings use Teacher... Teacher...!] [ So...? What's
dissect some frogs! So— [7]down on them! intoxicants for! To help them Yelliot is trying to wrong with
we're going to ‘put them They'll never get through an afternoon of attract my attention... that... 7?
to sleep” in the fastest, know what hit burp... Daytime TV Game Shows!! |
most humane way possible!| |‘em! Just one
bit of advice
What way is that, Teach? ||—wear shoes!

: a
{He's DOING it by THROWING up | [ Glang...glang...glang...!!_| b I'm feeling what gaa | think I'm hav Relax, Kiddo!
=a es QT. is feeling ing sex... but
hikes ee ue ..-horny!! — % |'m too young to JM You're lucky
“Hubba... hubba, -hubba, cl know for sure!! QV. wasn't
And just what watching a
do you think If you don't stop porno movie
YOU'RE doing?! ..ll scream! {iM on Cable TV!

Homel! Phone!! 1 HOME! See how easily it Jif you think YOUR finger
—— Gee, a planet-] [You better ||PHONE! I don't have slices through is bad, just look at the
to-planet call! |wait until |{=a any'parts... this soft thing— ff infection HE has! Now,
TALKED! || like that'd after five ||Oh! You except this : this soft thing. [l ] THAT's angry lookin
You want | |probably cost} |P.M. when want to [\.| game and this being my finger WY,
to CALL about eight it's a lot MAKE a wire and this cut 8 = oa
HOME? [|] zillion dimes! [|cheaper!! [| Phone!! [] saw blade!
Z = > ip NC Zien 7 tag
He healed >——
lp —S>—1.
——__
What do you mean!? YOU 5 But | want go home! Come on,
my finger | |Now I'm SURE alien! Do just what I did! First, QT. We
just like he's from an- No Doctor on Earth ME hire an agent who'll get [ij Listen, you'll make have to
a Doctor! other planet! [— makes house calls! alien!! you a multipje movie deal! so much bread, you get to the
a Then, grab the merchandis: won't HAVE to go |?) WOODS to
ing rights to dolls, toys, home! You'll be able set up your
games, models and posters! to SEND for it! telephone

Seo
Great!! But why didn’t you You're fantastic, [>| wonder how proud
help! do this BEFORE, like when QT... making a he'd be if he knew
We you were being CHASED in sophisticated that | forgot my
the beginning of the movie? Interplanetary phone number! |'Il
\ | Phone from old J wait till he's
\ junk! I'm really jp —asteep, then I'll
proud of you! {§B call Information!

y{ QT... Gatzet harmulca litz| geedie! BEEP! | Why can't he = even ones you
(} Where ARE TS TATE, make himself You're just a kid! can drive a Mack
you? He's Hi! Sorry I'm not home right now! But all better You don't understand ||_Truck through...?
gone!! But |2 if you leave your name and number at ¢ by touching that it’s just NOT
the phone's 3
the sound of the tone, I'll get back himself with POLITE to ask ques- Not if you want to |p
still here! to you in a few light years! BEEP!
“"y : his MAGIC
FINGER?!?
tions about HOLES
in the SCRIPT!
fj Work on a Spielberg
picture again!
 u é N / f\\).
We're trying very hard to save That STILL
your Son's life, Ma’am! By the The one who. @ doesn't answer - =
way...which one is your Son? looks like me! my question! It might help if you just
\7T t asa [/ think of death as nature’s
doornail! way of saying you're now a
ile of useless garbage!

Look! Look at Probably be NO...!! It's because Q.T. Look at that! There goes a Shoot ‘em
that plant! cause all the is NOT DEAD! He's ALIVE! bunch of American kids wit down, of
Why has it HORSE MANURE =i | course!!
suddenly come in this film We've got to get him out of
back to life? nourished it here so he can go back home!

SSID Sa
| hate to ruin the kid’s day,
Gee.., leaving us but it's all the greasy JUNK
is causing him FOOD the kids on Earth eat
pain in his heart! that’s giving me heartburn
= 2
Thank God they made a sequel
& to Gross Encounters Of the
& ' Turd Kind"! Otherwise, I'd've
2 never gotten away! If | told
you what goes ON up there
with those little weirdos,
you wouldn’t believe
Ty
 CHUTZPAH IS... CHUTZPAH IS...

. ++ copying an entire final exam from the kid next to you, . backing into a parking space, smashing into a parked
and then, when you get a “D,” accusing him of not studying. car, and suing the owner because you got hit in the rear.

ee ae =
CHUTZPAH Is... GAUL BUSTING DEP
According to Webster, the word “chutzpah” is of Yiddish
origin and means “unmitigated effrontery or impudence.”
To give you an idea, there’s the old joke about the boy
aaa

Ee
See
el

nasi

ARTIST: PAUL COKER|

.. anything you do if you’re an executive of an oil company ieee eae ae ae Suey =

CHUTZPAH IS... CHUTZPAH IS...

+ pushing a shopping cart up to a “Ten Items Or Less” + getting a ticket for illegally parking a car in a spot
supermarket express check-out counter, and claiming that reserved for the Handicapped . . , and pleading not guilty to
12 120 cans of beer and 9 boxes of pretzels is only 2 items. the judge on the grounds that you suffer from hemorrhoids.
CHUT2ZPAH IS...

... When you meet a girl at a wedding, and you ask her ... When a doctor tells a heart attack victim to avoid shock,
for a date the following Saturday, and she’s the bride. stress and aggravation, and then sends him a whopping bill.

Sins Ail Is.

who kills his parents... and then throws himself on the
mercy of the court on the grounds that he's an orphan.

ZPAH
Now that’s chutzpah! Want more examples? Then read on.

. -. when a Congressman is elected on a platform to cut down on

WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL & AL JAFFEE “Unemployment”. . . and fulfills his campaign promise by hiring
16 out-of-work relatives to work for him at government expense.

CHUTZPAH IS... CHUTZPAH IS...

. .. running a bank, charging sinful interest rates, jug- ..-publishing a crummy magazine and charging 90¢ for
gling books, using your influence to overthrow foreign and then suddenly and unexpectedly raising the price to
governments, and then offering rewards for bank robbers. without adding any more pages to it or improving the q
CHUTZPAH IS..

...taking money for babysitting after you and some of your ing the Taxi Disp: ifyou can use his phone
friends have devoured about $50.00 worth of food and drink. to call your Husband to pick you up here at the station.

CHUTZPAH IS... CHUTZPAH IS...

... borrowing a friend’s car for the weekend, and demanding that the lady in front of you remove her tiny hat—
then handing him a bill for the gas you put in it. je you're wearing an Afro that blocks six rows in back of you.

CHUTZPAH IS... : CHUTZPAH IS...

condemning Socializ from the hospital bed that the +. taking a shop-lifted item of clothing back to
Government provides you and other Congressmen with free of charge. the store to exchange for one of the correct size.
 ORPHAN RUINING DEPT. ee.
Leapin’ lizards, gang! Whatever happened to that sweet, charming Broadway musical
called “Annie”? Hollywood took it and made it into a movie and changed it into...

ARTIST: WRITER:
ANGELO TORRES LARRY SIEGEL

Oh, what will | do...? al Sob... sob! | guess Are you For Last night What tune J] =“What's the
I'm lonesome and blue! I'm never gonna kidding? a she hit a is Awful difference?!
| feel like a leper fall asleep again! JA! could | Lf little high note Annie The only song
Or aCommie! 7/| sleep on girl, |-2 and bust- singing, anyone knows
: heer up, Rivka! | a lousy she's (| ed every anyway? from this epic
Won't someone out there know it's tough liv- |_ hard ROCK got A window It'sure is “Tomorrow”
Please answer my prayer MMM ing in an orphanage |i] if SHE'D | 7] a from here doesn't .and that
And send me a Daddy and trying to sleep only big to Jersey sound doesn't come
or aMommy?! on a lousy hard cot! |) |SHUT UP! mouth! City! |) familiar! till later!

No wonder we don't Don’t you know the Le'me at her! I'll kill The same thing that happened
get enough to eat Hollywood Movie her!! (IL KILL her! i to all of us! They pick some-
around here! They [= Musical Ordinance? = she says! “You could one who can do a great Shirley
spend all of their |] “Every Orphanage You leave Awful Annie do a GREAT Awful |.!\| Temple... and we losers end up
money on expensive must have an off- alone! She happens to Annie!” she says! So in bit roles, playing second
background musi stage orchestra!” be a pretty nice kid! what happens... ?? fiddle to that human siren!
 |
Tgot a great idea, kids! —'With me gone,|
o>]
|Wow! She's Cheese it, kids! The name’s HARRIGAN, — Oh, shut up!
What say | hide in this you all get not only Here comes Miss you miserable twerps!! 4
dirty laundry, and you to split up all mouth Harridan... !! A harridan is a scold- Where's that
help me sneak out of here? an extra [ ing, vicious old woman! || bt awful
rm towel and | WE LOVE ‘Annie? | want
Okay, what's in it for us? pillow case! YOU, MISS WE STILL LOVE YOU, to wring her
an HARRIDAN!! MISS HARRIDAN. ..!! bs rotten neck!!
ag.
OSTER
|

TRS
\y3 Ay |

Leapin’ lizards, it sure Surprise, kid! This : Golly!

is great getting out of is a REAL New York Sir, can you spare five bucks? |=No, | swear to] |Americans
that rotten Orphanage and ||| street during the God I'll spend || not only
onto this Hollywood studio |||Great Recession of Five dollars?! That's a lotot || iton booze! give
New York street! Gee, times |||1982! The Hollywood SU nay INSUraruthiee youl wort generously,
sure are tough during the studio street is ‘do anything STUPID with it | [Remember they also
ra\ Great Depression of 1932! three blocks over! like buy a ticket to this dumb, + YOU give
: 5 ridiculously overpriced movie! — promised! wisely!

Look at those mean boys, tor- You meanies leave = You mean the way my eyes I'm taking this kid
turing that poor dog! |think that dog alone or sparkle and my cheeks back to the Orphan-
it’s now time to turn on my you'll have ME twitch and my lips play age! But you boys
irresistible “Shirley Temple to answer to! peekaboo with my teeth? ought to be ashamed
charm" which won me this role You gotta admit this is of yourselves...
‘over thousands of other sick- Hey, kid! What the greatest display letting a girl beat sick to our |)
eningly sweet little girls! are you doing of professional “cute” you up like that! f_stomachs!!
with your face? since Jimmy Carter! SFA
 Oh, Awful Annie Sniff... sniffl Leapin’ I'm Graze Farfel! | Tjust.] [ Excuse me, ladies! Before
. if YOU can't That's just Yeah, | guess || jizards! work for trillionaire might! 'm here to
escape from t his ridiculous, you're right! Maybe |= Oliver Morebucks! He |—) C | present a Special Award to
Rivka! You've C—__ |you have sent me to borrowa | |Letme| | the writer of this screen-
Orphanage, nobody
can... sob... s‘ob! really only | |ho's the NEW been cute little orphan took || play in the category of
| feel like I've been here girl with the here a tohang around his | [around], | "Most Chutzpah In A Story
little Fifth Avenue estate! and Development Scene For A
been locked up
here forver!
for a short
time!! © too long! Do you have one... ? 1 || |High Budget Musical Fil
N EG

wy - Nt
A /
Ay
Nea:
OR Mast Yee 73 Leese N BRS VS
Gosh, Miss Far- Vibe honest with |< | Isn't this magnificent Don't be |@ Well, how do — I know! All along,
fel, me and my you, kid! |liked 1B land?! It runs almost so hard on you like Mr. ||YOU thought this
dog, Cindy, are one other girl back three miles in one di- yourself, Morebuck's ||was Grand Central
real happy that there alot more— 7 rection and half a mile 2| All along |p Awful An- mansion? Station! Actually,
you chose ME but somehow, “Little [4 }| in the other! The best nie! Lots it was! Mr. More-
over all the Orphan Rivka” just ||) part of itis, it's of people 17 Gosh, | feel ||bucks BOUGHT it
rest to come didn’t have the right on Fifth Avenue, make that like such a | |and had it MOVED

ly)
home with you! right ring to it!! I and it’s all part of dummy again!| | here last month!
Mr. Morebuck's estate!

Vf,

Gee, Mr. Leapin’ Oh, boy. That's the| | Get RID of her!
Morebucks. Invest three bil- | don't want to CALL lizards! what a great orphan | 1
seems nice! lion in oil, six China! | WANT China! | guess place! I'm ventedifor With all that
Not at all billion in copper, Get it for me! It'll he IS a gonna love you, Sir! sweetness unaey
like a big buy out U.S. Steel, make a swell compan- everyone in the same root
important call Rockefelle: ion piece for India it to pieces, —— T— |with me and my
person! then get me China! and my Pacific Ocean! and then put Isn't she diabetes, I'd
them all back absolutely give myself si
together and— adorable? ||minutes to live!
 Z,
Mr. Morebucks, | will Okay, you've convinced us if Awful Annie, this is + Toyaity, hell!
Hmmmm! Then] | NOT leave her on the with your “‘hard-hearted Bonejab, my bodyguard! [~]YOU find a way
there’s only side of a mountain exterior” bits! Now, it's He came here over forty to tell a nine-
one other [S| for the wolves... !! time for your “soft-heart- years ago, and I've had foot foreign
thing | can ed interior" transition! him with me ever since! mother like him
think of to It was good enough re you're a bigot
do with a j; for my Sister, it's [=| Oh, very well! I'll take Golly, Mr. Morebucks!! 2. and always
little girl! good enough for her! her for a week—on trial! \ THAT's loyalty! hated his guts!
SVT haat | | f
q Matt
|\é

Sorry to Who is it??The — Can't say| blame ‘— Simple! We'll Look! Well, naturally! We just went
disturb President? The him! What we need all go from Awful from “Camille”... which is a
you, King of England? are stars with style this movie to Annie's| GOOD movie... back to THIS
Sahib J. Edgar Hoover? and charisma—like another movie! sound boring one again! I'm having
... but Garbo—and Taylor! The Radio City asleep! trouble staying awake myself!
there's No, our Producer! Music Hall has
an impor- He says even HE Garbo and Taylor?!? “Camille” with
tant call is bored with How are you going Garbo and Tay-
for you! this dumb movie!| | to accomplish that?!?|_ | tor! Move out!!

bitsy
Don't expect us No... I'm taking So you see, Mr, Pres- Awful Annie, No, no! | don’t mean the
back for dinner, Isn't that nice! her for REVENGE! ident, the way I fig- can you sing SONG “Tomorrow”! | mean
Graze! We're off And are you tak- After what he's ure it in my cute way, TOMORROW??, can you SING TOMORROW—
to Washington ing Awful Annie been doing to us even though it looks or the day after—or the
for a meeting with you to meet Republicans, I've tough for the country ||You bet! On, day after that! And some-
with President the President been dying to get right now, everything the sun'll place else! As long as it
Roosevelt! 3 fran education? |- even with him!! is gonna be swell soon! some out to— isn't here! Today! Okay?

18
 You did a terrific job
in Washington, Awful
Annie, and to show you
my gratitude, I've de
cided to make you my own
little girl, officially!
Leapin’ lizards... you
really want to adopt me’
You're everything I've always wanted
in a daughter! Someone to torture my
delinquent tenants, torment money-
grubbing associates, put the screws
to my debtors, and drive a wedge
through the Communist monolith in
Moscow! And just think! You can do
all that by just being your sweet,
slobbering, goey, nauseating self!

z| I guess she just THIS close from getting

couldn't contain away scott free... sigh! Oh, well
herself, Franklin! .-. call the glazier, Eleanor!! \|

Heb stheb U1 {uy

I'd love to be your daughter, Don’t knock | see by the papers that Oliver — Hey, look who just That
Mr. Morebucks! But | already That has it! It was Morebucks is offering $50,000 | | blew in! My ne'er: Award-
HAVE a Mommy and Daddy! And | |got to be| | written by to the REAL PARENTS of Awful do-well brother, winning
some day, they're gonna find the most| | a screen- Annie if they'll come and claim Booster, and his ||screen-
me again! And when they DO, | |IDIOTIC || writer who her! And by an odd coincidence, || ne'er-do-well girl || writer
we'll RECOGNIZE each other | |plot gim-| |won a SPE- | happen to have the other half ||friend, Dilly! What ||every-
because they're gonna have mick I've] |CIAL AWARD of the locket they'll need to brought you here ||body's
the other half of this bro- EVER fourteen do it! Now, where could | find || at the exact right || talking
ken locket | always wear! heard! ||panels back! a rotten, unscrupulous couple— ||moment in my life?| |about!

Fa

There areso —=————,_ |can’t believe ...and that’s [J Right! And since Tm not sure — just a hunch,
many dishonest | |Don't knock that! But I'll our story, Mr. we have the other I trust them, || | guess! It all
people out dishonesty! || keep interview- Morebucks! For [half of the lock- Awful Annie! ||started when
there, claim- Forty ing the phonies & all these years, J et, we'd like to they took the
ing to be Aw- years from | |anyway! Bonejab, *| we've been bro- | now take our most What makes | |CHECK... and
ful Annie's now, it'll send in Mr. and ken-hearted... |'| precious posses- you say that?) | left YOU!
parents, just be running Mrs. Nixon next and desperate! | |sion home with us!
to grab the this ... then Mr.
reward!! country! and Mrs. Agnew!
 Bonejab, get out the heligyro!! ~ |God, this is awful! Bonejab, you must
(don't like the looks of this! get her down from there immediatel

x
] Wrong! We did it out of EMBARRASSMENT! What happened, Daddy? How || Where we always
A 30 million dollar extravaganza... and if come the climax scenes on go wrong! In our
Bonejab the best spot they could pick for a big have all been bridges? The production desperation to
saved my chase scene is a tacky little RAILROAD _[}|used in other scenes in Radio City? The make a hit film,
life! You BRIDGE? How about the EMPIRE STATE im movies! There jugglers, clowns, elephants we take a proven
did it out | BUILDING! Or the STATUE OF LIBERTY! |X are just no and fireworks in this big hit from another
Or | could have bought MT. RUSHMORE spectacular final number? What happened | |medium... and we
and had it moved to New York for them! places left! to that sweet, charming lit- HOLLYWOOD-IZE
tle Broadway musical this is It! And it comes
from? Where did we go wrong? ||out AWFUL, ANNIE!

yi
Ses
rs

kee See ee eee eS 06 60 w.0 6 60 66.bies oe

ibd © To guarantee hits From best-selling books ; = and what'll come out The novel
Ba Fi we'll borrow,
hi
we'll borrow; TU NOME CE MEE is sorrow; a] _ we borrow.
romvanetenmediutm Evens femusteal With a jutHollywood
ui a
dose Nothig like.the property |e=| The commis |
like a play! from Broadway! ofigross display. for big pay! S it’s always
5 7 flop ciné!!
(hy TUT

MA
PLAQUES FOR CLAQUES DEPT.
There are a lot of well-known quotations and official with. But not everyone does! There are always special

MOTIOSRONTHSSINSGR
statements around that everybody is expected to agree interest groups with their particular point of view.

REMRIMENTEURISPEGOUIN
THE SMOKER’S VERSION OF THE SURGEON GENERALS WARNING: ,
ARTIST: BOB CLARKE

THE BIGOT’S VERSION OF THE

INSCRIPTION AT THE BASE OF
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

The Surgeon General Has Determined That Cigarette Smoking Is

Dangerous To Your Health...Despite His Never Having Examined
You Personally And That, For All We Know, He May Be A Reformed
SMOKER...And You Know What Unreasonable Fanatics THEY Are!
 eens _ __THE PACIFIST’S VERSION
With this in mind, ...which believes in giving ‘2
equal time to everyone...presents this collection of OF THE MARINES HYMN

From the bat-tles we refuse to fight

To the safe-ty of the rear;
When the gung-ho guys go charg-ing in,
That's the time to dis-ap-pear;
We don't care for guns or bay-o-nets;
oO We dislike unpleasant scenes;
c) You can bet your life that we disgrace
The United States Marines!

WRITER: FRANK JACOBS

THE OIL COMPANIES’ VERSION OF

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
nt
to b o
o o1f aalond thal
Uf! 1) tye ti th e:
hilfee
dol equal Hal «
: 4 ie
ur e Ae ma bl e vightss that
lewodeacl volair e
nnde
are
e r t y. di vinity “fe the
pte
b
hare are Uf rr G
cle by eating gphony serovar the fcs THE LAWYERS’ VERSION OF THE LORD'S; PRAYER
sforlage a
fe ene ‘Ay
ee
ferofibs
and bed.:
prec
fort of boing ’
en ne
can Our Father, Who shall be termed Party Of
y way We
motorist er The First Part, Whose place of business
—_—_ is in Heaven, hallowed by Thy Name. Thy
ae e Kingdom, pursuant to terms and conditions,
come. Thy will, duly uncontested, be done
| onearth, in so far as existing statutes
THEGOSSIP COLUMNIST’S itSweet to tel the truth, the permit, as it is in Heaven.
p whole truth, and nothing but the Give us this 15th day of August, 1981,
VERSION OF THE OATH truth...allowing of course, our daily bread. And forgive us our debts,
TAKEN IN A COURTROOM he EUINLOFS net planted notwithstanding claims, liens and legal
items, and an occasional wild costs, as we, who shall be termed party
distortion of what really BER of the second part, forgive our debtors.
pened...so help me God!! And lead us not into temptation (i.e.,
sin, corruption, greed, gluttony, etc. ),
but deliver us from evil, the nature of
which shall be determined by the Court.
For Thine is the Kingdom and the Power
and, pending appeal, the Glory forever.
Amen.
ERR APPARENT DEPT.
Recently, we asked one of our idiot artists to do a drawing of
a “Discount Stereo Hi-Fi Store.” Unfortunately, he didn’t do a
very good job. In fact, he made a lot of mistakes... 20 in all!
And now. it's up to you to find them. Which is why we're asking:

YOU FIND IN THIS PICTURE?

ANSWERS
1. The salesperson is offering his
help, even though he’s not work-
ing on a commission basis.
2.The store is independently
owned, and not a franchise.
3. The person is testing a “boom
box"’ with the volume on “low.”
4. The teenagers are looking at the
older couple buying a classical
music album with admiration in-
stead of contempt.
5. The customer has just purchased
an ‘American’ brand stereo set.
6. The guy is actually buying a pair
of stereo headphones for his par-
ent’s sake so they won't have to
listen to his music
7. The salesperson is not telling the
customer that he just bought
“the best stereo in the shop!”
8. The employee is removing all the
warped record albums.
9. The girl actually believes that her
favorite rock singer doesn't do
drugs.
10. None of the customers have zits.
11. The punk rocker is wearing only
one safety pin through his ear.
12. The guy wearing the army fatigue
outfit is really a veteran.
13. Someone over the age of 14 is
buying a “‘Kiss”’ album.
14. The “free music magazine” con-
tains more articles than ads.
15. The guy with the stereo head-
set isn't on roller skates.
16. The Debbie Boone album is a hot
seller.
17. Bach is being played through the
store’s music system.
18. The record albums are actually
stacked in alphabetical order ac-
cording to the alphabet.
19. The “Specially Priced’ albums
are really priced lower than the
other albums.
20. The cassette tapes are easily ac-
cessible, and not hidden behind
6” bullet-proof glass.

ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE

WRITER: CHRIS HART
BABY SITTING
Hitl'm | {Come in, Dear! If he runs around wildly, or What if he's quiet and well- Take his temperature!
the Ihave some breaks things, or generally behaved and doesn't bug me?!
baby- instructions makes a nuisance of himself, Then what do | do... ??
sitter! for you! then punish him by sending | fs
him off to bed early!

BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. 3

Tele LIGHT
CREDIBILITY
Wait'll | tell my Mother!!
She'll never believe it!
HEY, MOM! GUESS WHAT!? [Honestly... 2) Well, that's another story!
| GOT THE HIGHEST MARK
IN THE CLASS IN OUR
MATH MID-TERM EXAM!

fl
 THE TELEPHONE
ue ite! | { Hello? Hell...) 7 EHEE a Sowi what's {Charlie's into JOGGING! |
Eee ee
ga \ All| hear is Charlie | |breathing!
Fingerhut! heavy. Z
heavy breathing!

ARTIST & WRITER:

DAVE BERG

POLITICS
Well, | happen to ] { Me... 2! Why in the | { Because my Father That's rather ridiculous! A REPUBLICAN! |
be a Republican! Wma world would || was a Democrat What if your Father was a a!
What are you... 2) Democrat! ANYBODY ..and his Father BABOON. ..and his Father |
want to be before him was a before HIM was a Baboon?!
a Democrat!? Democrat!! THEN, what would you be?!?
 =

| SNACKS EXCUSES
Boy, | hope this Big Mac For Hey, Buster! Can’t you read?! ||So who's
doesn’t spoil my appetite! ||what? The sign says “NO FISHING”! ||fishing?!?

/,

SPORTS
AARRAANOREKAAAAA
een
Wilson jabs a hard left to the% Wilson fires a haymaker to the Must you watch I'm watching HOCKEY!
head, and Zabretsky counters jaw... and Zebretsky is down!! that violent,
with a right lead to the body! His face is a bloody mess... ! brutal Boxing?!
a heal >

ADVICE BARGAINS
Dad, there’s a long week-end coming ] Try the LAUNDRY ROOM!! : Don't tell | couldn't resist!
and I'd like to go some place that I've _| me you spent They were having a
never been before! Got any suggestions? money again! || “HALF-PRICE SALE”...
 BAD HABITS
I'm trying to teach x! 5 { There's an article in this magazine Okay.
{
a worm how to swim! ( about people like you... people who | most
: i put off things and procrastinate all certainly
Pal eal / the time! | think you should read it! | ill...
. 2 Ly

This darn bug is bothering { Holy cow! | never knew bugs Idiot!! You used the can
the heck out of me! Where's |had so much BLOOD in them! of red SPRAY PAINT!!
that can of SPRAY INSECT-

COMPUTERS |
...and this is a PRICELESS ANTIQUE! } & this class Yeah! And a computer is so darn —without one!!
in computers is || complicated, | can’t figure out
sure tough! | |how someone ever invented one—
|Eat your supper" } [No...1] ['said ear it] [Isaid Nor } You'd BETTER eat it if In YOU'D better eat it!!
V E \ you want to be BIG and that
is AAS STRONG and GOOD-LOOKING! case— |

iN

SHOPPING
Whew! I'm exhausted! | Just |
We've been shopping a few |
for hours! Can't we | |more
|quit and go home now? | items! |
Remember the last time we ) [Not to worry! This time ) [What | [1 turned on the headlights!
did this? We spent another | | was smart and took did (ies
hour looking for the car precautions so we'll you |
in that huge parking lot! find the car right away! ||do?

COLD WEATHER
c
Hey, look at Melvin! No.1 | No...1 No...1 No [ Nobody else feels My MOTHER feels cold!!
He's all bundled up! don’t feel | | don’t feel don't feel I don't cold, Melvin! So.
| don't feel cold!! cold! Do cold! Do cold! Do feel why are you all
Do you, Mark... ?? you, Curtis? you, Sid? you, Carl? | cold! bundled up...?
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT.

Yive QWs
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ng, WY, a

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TRIPLE-SWEAT DEPT.

IF YOU WELL, IN FACT,

THINK THEY THEY
THINGS COULD COULD
ARE... BE... BE...
IT’S BAD

. when you suddenly discover that the

. when you get a flat tire in a when you find that you don’t only person around who does have a jack
tough neighborhood late at night! ck handle in your unk! handle is about to bury it in your skull!

IT'S BAD EN WORSE... IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE,

.. when you put your term project... when the school security . when you finally talk him into helping
in your school locker...and then won't help you because you you, and find that you've dentally had
can’t remember the combination of — produce an I.D. card to prove that him open the locker next to yours .
the lock so you can get it again! the stuck locker is really yours!

IT’S BAD.

. when everybody knows that the

. when you feel like you're coming down ... when you are sick, and it only person you could’ve caught it
with the flu the week of your Senior Prom! turns out to be mononucleosis! from is the biggest nerd in school!
32
DOWNR IGHT HORRIBLE
TE’ SiBAD'....
ARTIST: HARRY NORTH WRITER: TOM KOCH

. When your telephone privileges -.- When the phone suspension contin- ... when your folks maintain the ban
are taken away from you just because ues, although you urgently need to even after a local D.J.’s announced
you accepted a collect call from your spread the news that your school's that you'll win a free record album
sailor boyfriend stationed in Korea! sex symbol is three months pregnant! if you call the station immediately!

IT'S BAD...

. when you're disciplined by

being confined to your backyard . when you're confined to your room
while your friends are all at having his . while your very own birthday par-
hday party right next door! the yard! ty is taking place right down stairs!

IT’S BAD... IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE

Re

. +. when the girl for whom you were

... when a big guy with lots of tatoos ... when the huge guy sits down, and saving the seat accidentally sits
asks whether the seat next to you is you immediately sense that he hasn't down in his lap... and five minutes
taken, and you're afraid to say “Yes!” taken a bath in at least two weeks! later, they leave the movie together!
 IT’S BAD... IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE...

: } . when they not only leave w’

hired you to mow their lawns and ... when they leave still owing you paying you, but they also take your
their leaves suddenly up and move away! for the last six weeks work you did! lawn mower and leaf rake with them!

IT'S BAD IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE.

- when you forget to fix your hair. . . when the photographer catches you . . when your portrait photograph is
the day the pictures for the school at the exact moment you have your eyes the one he humorously chooses to dis-
yearbook are scheduled to be taken! —shut tight... and your mouth wide open! play prominently in his shop window!

IT’S BAD IT'S EVEN WORSE... IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE.

en you don’t catch anything on - when you try to fake success by. . . when the fish you bought causes
fishing trip after you've already buying fish at a market and the guys all your friends to get food poison-
identify it as a species from Norway! ing . . . and one of them is a lawyer!

IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE...

... when they come to the big game, . . when they come again ... and laugh at
+, When you're in Little League and and they boo you because you str you because you've been demoted to team
your folks don't come to the games! out three times and make six errors! mascot and have to wear a chicken suit!
FUNNIES’ BONES DEPT.
Have you ever wondered why there are so few good Doctors around today? Well, MAD
feels that it’s because most Doctors don’t really understand the human body and how
it works. And why is this? Because like everybody else, Doctors were brought up on
“The Comics” and therefore developed a distorted concept of the human body. Mainly,
The Comics show us bodies that are unlike anything else around. To demonstrate the
problems and confusion this has caused today’s Doctors, here are some excerpts from

ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: FRANK JACOBS IDEA BY: SERGIO ARAGONES:
THE EYES In many cases, a ‘‘normal”’ eye
is not necessary for vision!

Contrary to accepted medical Occasionally, some humans Some humans are able to see
opinions, some humans do not can see without having eyes through solid objects and to
need pupils in order to see. at all. This rare condition spot things happening miles
However, this rare condition (beetleus yardbirdis) causes away. People with this rare
(known as annieus orphanius) that person to appear as if condition (kryponus x-rayus)
occurs only in certain types he’s fast asleep while he’s often wear eyeglasses, even
of people who also never age. really awake, and vice-versa. though totally unnecessary,

Images are sent to the brain Images are absorbed through This intricate mechanism for
via solid tinted tubes, like pinholes in cheeks that re- vision is composed of a pair
modern-day fiber optics. The semble freckles, Vision can of telescopic lenses linked
result is seeing everything only be activated by loud, up with an alternative pair
through rose-colored glasses. raucous military commands, of miniature x-ray machines.

THE NOS The size and shape of the nose often

determine willpower and determination.

A hooked nose (tracy bumpus.) A bulblike nose (andicappus A small, peanut-shaped nose
is the sign of a person who handicappus) indicates lack (lucyus obnoxious) indicates
relentlessly pursues a goal, of willpower and_ inability a powerful determination on
regardless of any personal to complete a given job or the part ‘of its possessor to
danger. Even after 50 years, task. The nose, like the per- achieve goals regardless of
he'll still stick to his job. son, has no clear direction. any damage done to others.

ea
af

A keen sense of smell helps Through frequent abuse, this At first, this nose appears
this nose sniff out dangers nose begins to turn bright subordinate to the mouth.
which may be threatening the red, this condition being That's because the mouth
safety of the entire body. known as proboscis inebrius. is much larger than normal.
THE HAIR Hair growth and hair quality
depend entirely on the diet.

This common disorder of the Total baldness (warbuckus This thick, full, healthy
scalp (dagwoodus cowlickus) extremus) can traced to head of hair is the result
occurs after long years of a diet of rich gourmet food, of eating hamburgers, pizza,
gooey desserts, and very ex- French fries, maltec and
combining many varieties
of foods into one sandwich. pensive wines and champagne. other types of “fast food.”

Hair follicle is damaged, Hair follicle dead and Hair follicle is healthy
and hair grows abnormally. unable to at~ all, and hair behaves normally.

THE SK L The shape of the skull determines how

a person functions in everyday life.

A rectangular skull is the mark of a highly- A sloping forehead is found on an individual

evolved and intelligent individual. Such peo- who has not yet completed his evolutionary
ple are born to lead, They are usually very cycle. Note the protruding lower tooth...a
handsome, and they always have perfect teeth. telltale indication of this sub-human type.

An elongated skull occurs when someone lacks A round skull with a nose cavity between the
the ability to speak. In such cases, there is eyes, blocking off the mouth from the brain,
also no sign of any mouth. It is not known if indicates an underachiever. Speech is not
this type of individual takes any nourishment. impaired, but sounds bewildered and confused.
THE ARM The size and shape of the arms depends
on the amount of chemicals in the body.

This condition (nautilus pugnatious) results
from an imbalance of iron in the body system,
creating a swollen appearance. X-rays of arms
reveal a green substance surrounding muscles.
Substance has same chemical properties as a
certain leafy, green, yecchy-tasting vegetable.
Some arms appear to lack muscles altogether
(disneyus rodentus), a condition caused by a
fiber deficiency in which the tissue turns to
cheese. This condition usually results in the
loss of one finger of each hand, but does not
effect the efficiency of the rest of the hand.

The size of a torso is a chief indicator

of dominant leadership — or lack of it.

A dwarf-like, compact torso is the sign of a
strong-willed, often tyrannical power figure.
Such people, as in the two examples of case
studies depicted here, dominate less compact
people, whom they consider unfit to make any
decisions at all, or to lead their own lives.
A tall, lean torso indicates a person who is
obviously extremely weak and docile and who
allows himself to be browbeaten and manipula-
ted. Such people, as in the two examples of
case studies depicted, fail in the exercise
of power, and end up as dupes and followers.

This condition (ironhandus despoticus) is due This condition (nebbish submissivus) is due
to the fact that the brain is close to the tor- to the fact that the brain is further away
so, allowing power from the brain to travel a from the torso, meaning that power must trav-
much shorter distance, and thus remain strong. el a much greater distance, and thus weaken.
| iE In isolated cases, there occurs a glandular
con ion (bannerus hulkus) in which intense
anger and rage causes a transformation of per-
LANDS sonality, intelligence and physical structure.
=

J
‘The personality, which is usually boring and insipid, becomes dynamic and outgoing
The LQ, which is usually a near genius 162, plummets suddenly to a sub-moronic 27.
The height, usually an average 59”, suddenly increases to an abnormal gigantic 86".

the individual’s gland- After transformation, the individual's gland-

Before transformation,
ular cells expand to twice their normal size,
ular cells are normal and quite well-behaved.

Note: This condition is similar to Batson’s Disease (shazamus

marvelus) which has been known to affect boys in their teens.
 SPOILED
MEET DEPT.
MAD PRESENTS SOME GRAP

ATA PARTY...
WHEN NOT TO USE F AT THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE . . .
What's a nice girl like you It's MY HiVaeemen ere otlen ce
doing in a place like this? placel! g

5 :
g

ARTIST: AL JAFFEE

= =
ON A DESERT ISLAND... AT A MASQUERADE . . .
ZB LLL I-IZ=ISGCNSN NK f =.
wehie Fe “Y Do you believe in love at first sight? }°
Got alight ...?
 re] 26

AMOUS “PICK-UP” LINES

HIC DEMONSTRATIONS OF... fl een

AT THE ZOO... IN A HOSPITAL... IN A PAROCHIAL SCHOOL...

l
Mmm! What kind of cologne are you we What are you drinking . . .? | love what you're wearing!
|

z full
lite
WRITER: CHRIS HART

IN A MUSEUM OF MODERN ART...

Y'know something? You're
* pretty as a picture!
 PROFITABLE ENTERPRISE DEPT.
Usually, sequels to successful movies are total disasters. But the Producers
of the “Star Blecch” series have it all backwards. The original was a total
disaster and, by comparison, the sequel was a lot better! We're talking about

IAA ELEE
How do you feel
on your first
Mayday!!
MAYDAY!!
Lt Commander, we've
got total compres-
Isit serious?
That means no
| fe
7 Thisis theera aCnTIC
engine room! GEG lockhas
The security DRL
been breached, the sterilization zone has been
¢
¢:
solo mision as sor failure, and a frozen yogurt violated, and some dumb idiot left the trunk
Commander of a Confident | |complete power unit orice cream | lid open when we pulled away from the garage!
Starship, Lieu that we gasket blow-out!! for the rest of
tenant Savvy? are in Srongesce this mission! 1 don’t think Lieutenant How do you
very big Uh..isthat |__| I'D call that Sawvy studied hard enough study for
Confident! trouble! serious...? SERIOUS! for this training mission! “explosions'"?

MAYDAY! youre Inpbic

TROUBIE:

LOOKS |IKE WE'RE

FLYING THE
UNFRIENOLY SKIES!
 ARTIST; MORT DRUCKER, WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

fom ui SS
| don't believe it!1 It’s Very Ll Yes!!amative, Ll {never
[Ton THE STARSHIP “U.S.S. REFINANCED”... l\ It's the wreckag! e rather observant! [] and | never for- forget
of the Starship obvious! get a face! How a face!
Checkoff... our Well... we've LU |mpossible! Botany Tie"! Look! A My God! are you doing Names?!
mission is to already checked Not even a There are piles of bachelor It's Richmond? They
seek outandex- // out Hollywood! DOG could dirty dishes that , give me
plore areas that Where to next? survive that have been accumu: Sorry, my name a real
are devoid of environment!
lating for years! is Checkoff! problem!
life forms, so Wait a minute! Let's beam
we can use them F Our sensors are down and
as subjects for picking up life see what's
“Project Geritol"'! forms on Alpo V!
~v

Boy
—

\ so
Your friend, Curt, had us ‘And for GOOD REASON! You tried to Thave a little surprise for But look at the
fired off into space to take over the planet Earth! If you'd you! These slimy little BUGS BRIGHT side!
spend all of eternity in had your way, that poor planet would are the only life that exists You'll have a

suspended animation! So now be suffering from wars, inflation, on “Alpo V"! They enter the “pet"' for life!

for fifteen long years. high taxes, unemployment and—and— ear and seek out the brain! You'll never have
Their prey becomes extremely to take him for a
all I've seen is Pluto!!
Not even Donald Duck Hey...!! Did you give your plan to susceptible to suggestion! walk or feed him!

someone else to put into operation?!

 Happy birthday, Gym! Gym, are you Y'know, Gym, you should be back It's really goodto | [Not any more! My mind
| brought you a bot. feeling moody? in command of a Starship! Desk see you back on the | |is as sharp and as clear
tle of brown wine! work doesn't agree with you! | flight deck of the today as it was when |
It goes with so many || No! Yes! Maybe speak as your FRIEND and as Boobyprize, Admiral first took Command!
more dishes than the] | am! Maybe I’m your DOCTOR! As your friend, Curt! Are you still
everyday green wine! || not! You may be | suggest you do it for your feeling badly about | §Oh-oh! We could be
right...
but | health! As your Doctor, you owe reaching middle age? in BIG TROUBLE!
Oh, yeah...! Thanks! ! don't think so! me $50.00 for medical advice!

This is for Yes! If | remember You forgot two Irregular One, this What?!? Listen, I'm not giving
real now, my four years of items, Lieutenant! is Checkoff! We have § up “Project Geritol" without
Lt. Savvy! Then this instruction and my You must ALSO been ordered to pick Jchecking with Adm. Curt first!
Have you if your training manuals [] always hit the up all work done on And if you don't like it, you
ever taken | |chance! Do correctly, | push “STAR BLECCH [— “Project Geritol” and | can stick it in your ear!!
a Starship you think this button marked THEME” button— assume responsibility fp
out of it's you can “TOTAL AUTOMATIC and the “AUDIO for it from here on! 4 They already did!
p_handle it? ||DOCK DEPARTURE"! UP" button!! 7

Admiral Curt, this is Dr.

Markus on Irregular One!
Just barely,2:Dr. Markus! | With Withall
all th the But, Spook...
Admiral! |] money they | [We better find out is that fair??
crackle... crackle. crackle... snap... crackle | We're spent on this ||what's happening
losing ship, you'd ||on Irregular One! Admiral, | have
You'll have to speak loud- the think they Since that means. no ego to bruise!
negra eurt, can YOu Bt er! I'm eating a bow of picture! ||could afford ||going on Active And besides.
be terrible interference! flRice Krispies and they're a good roof ||Duty, the Senior if you screw up,
making a terrible racket! antenna for Officer should it won't go on
MY record!
crackle... snap pop! snap... crackle... pop!!
the TV set! be in charge!!
 == SPOOk.. What a Computer, Uh..
WHY do There are five possible mind! give me cannot—release
emergency isn't an you think answers, Admiral! They What a all the —classified—data Very—good!!
situation emergency Irregular are unable to, they are mind!! data —unless—you—give Negative—is—
has come up, One helpless to, they are AGE that you —me—special—code |) special—code
and I'm tak-
situation,
isn't powerless to, they are doesn't have on —word! Can—you— —word! Here—
ing command
I don't
know answering incapable of, or they affect it “Project give—me—special is—all—the—
WHAT IS! our calls? just plain can't! at alll! Geritol'!

Admiral Curt It happens

Admiral, a ship has
just entered our “too
General Alert?
close for comfort"
zone! It's the U.S.S.
Refinanced!! And its
defense shields are up!
————————
Admiral... It's a condition, Sir,
should | call not a person! We've gct .give up! You're in one space- tobea
a MAJOR DILEMMA here!} Ihave you ship! How can you VERY
completely have us completely FAST
In that case, you'd bet: surrounded! surrounded, Korn?? spaceship!
ter call General Alert
AND Major Dilemma to
the bridge... at once!

Listen, all Sixty seconds?!? Okay! One Every Starship has a su- FOUR—ONE—TWO!
you REALLY I want YOU... | need more time minute! per secret code number! eet
want is ME, and all the data \| that that! Give You're lucky If we could come up with That's IT! That's
Korn! I'll on “Project Ger- me at least a you caught me the secret code number N be almost their secret code
beam myself itol""! You have in a generous for the Refinanced, we impossible number! Brilliant,
aboard...! m mood! could control their ship Admiral! We've got
4 with our own computer: them defenseless!
 With Korn and the Re- & , | WARNED you! | TOLD Spook onr the Boobyprize— J Spook, these are your orders!
financed out of the ! |]you the Boobyprize had to Admiral Curt on Irreg- If we are unable to return to
way, it gives us this 's || only about HALF the ular One! The situation the Boobyprize in one hour...
chance to beam down power needed to beam here is getting worse! leave without us! Take the ship
here to Irregular One |]with the || you down there! But, We're losing more power! J to the nearest star station and
so we can see exactly || trans- |] did you listen to me? Right now, we've
y got only call All-Space Insurance! Tell
what's going—OOPS! || porter?! No! You went anyway!! enough to finish beaming them all the damage was done in
you down... and then just M a parking lot while
beam your SHOES back up! f inside eating in a the crew was
restaurant!

It's Checkoff Your feelings Captain Boy, he has Checkoff seems to fllHmmm! | KNEW
and Captain || Don't move, for me run Terroryell just | worse aim be coming back to jl something was
Terroryell!! ||Admiral! You ||that deep, huh? shot himself! ffthan Checkoff! his senses again! BUGGING him
Checkoff. don't know *
what are you || how hard it ||What feelings! -but THIS
) Look what | found is absolutely
doing with is for me I've got in his ear, Sir!
that gun!?! ||to shoot you! i terrible aim!! ridiculous!

So you want to know =

what we've been do- | You...?!? You made What are you talking | Okay, Spook! You can © Let'scall & Yes, partly to fool
ing down here on about?! That was all beami us back up now! || it a little Korn... but mostly
those mountains? You here! | planted those deception, || to fool the Inter-
“Project Geritol”, | created those trees TULIPS! Kind of sets Beam us back u my dear stellar Utility
eh, Admiral? Well, [4 and those rocks and the whole thing off H | thought the Booby
that waterfall and— Company! It keeps
nicely, doesn’t it!? (/| prize had a TOTAL "|I get it! To|| our electric bills
= 7 POWER FAILURE! fool Kori reasonable!
AN e
 Don't worry, Spook! I'm picking up a Good Lord! | VERY! It's
Damage, Spotty? very strange energy
= Korn can easily out- We will come out on They've set
Geritol
HOW got the power
dangerous ||of two million
manuever us, out-run top in the long run! source on Refinanced
No, thank you, one that I've for Is bottles of
Admiral Curt! us and out-gun us! Korn isn’t the ONLY Geritol! prune juice!
one who can make a never seen before! detonation!
We have plenty And yet, you seem so
of it already! ||UNWORRIED, Admiral! f| FANTASY come true!

pees SNC d
Just you wait,
We're not IlMR. SPOOK!! You | fixed the reactor, ! Well... there goes
Admiral Curt!
going any- J can’t go in there! Admiral! |—I think sake
!
the WRECK of KORN!
But he sure keeps You're going
where, Sir! There are fifty we're out of danger! |
x wif fighting—d: to hear f
The nuclear million-zillion
units of radio- i \\YL Fe {Ohi last breath! [|my LAWYERS!
activity in there!

1 t
L! Well, enough He wanted to try E Don't worry! |
We are gathered to pay our respects toa very sentimentality! other things! So W] He'll be back
special human be—er. ..person—er...Vulgan! Fire his cof far, the only for “Star
His heart was big, his mind was broad, his fin into space! thing he's got Blech III"!
spirit was gigantic, and hisears—his ears— lined upis an- It's the
other “‘In Search only logical
e thing to do! |
 jot to convince that Vulcan
ember not to wear tight T-shirts!
Nothing to see here!

Please skip ahead.

 HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS |

Today, our nation’s poor are suffering from

major economic problems. As a result, they
also have a terrible “housing” problem. Find
out what it is by folding in page as shown.

FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT 4B FOLD BACK SO “A” MEETS “B”
rer F

OUTRAGEOUS HOUSING PROBLEMS ARE SLOWLY INFESTING

envisrawarren, THE WHOLE LAND. ONLY TAX DOLLARS CAN BRING DEFINITE
AL JAFFEE HOPE TO THE POOR. AND WHEN ADMINISTRATIVE ABUSE
OCCURS, THE POOR MUST PUNISH THE MAJOR PARTICIPANT
A> 4B
FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS!
(|), Sess ass Ta
|| THIS WAY. iT}
eee

| [SPOTTED HIM!

€ = Ee 2 E $ 2 é 2 aS z 2 WRITER: DON EDWING