The Cub

A much needed prequel to "The Bear"

Written by

Jacob Hagen

Copyright (c) 2023

The Best Draft

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

Sun glints off the dull silver finish of a dilapidated FOOD

TRUCK. One wheel sits up on the curb, the other three
loosely planted on the asphalt of the abandoned lot.

Empty picnic tables stand in a semi circle to the side of

the truck, and out front by the window sits a sign:

"STEVE AND CARM'S CHICAGO DOGS."

CARMY (O.S.)
Twenty-five?

INT. S&C'S DOG TRUCK - CONTINUOUS

A makeshift kitchen crammed between two steel walls. Flattop

stove on one side, fryers on the other. Black grease
sticking to every surface.

CARMY "THE CUB" CUBZATTO, sleep deprived 19 year old cook

wearing a dirty apron, leans one hand against the frame of
the open back door.

Outside the door stands a DELIVERY GUY.

DELIVERY GUY
That's how many were in the order.

CARMY
Partner chef Steve was supposed to
order two hundred. What the fuck am I
supposed to do with twenty-five dogs?

He pulls two raw, floppy dogs from his apron pocket. Flops
them in the Delivery Guy's face.

DELIVERY GUY
Take it up with your partner chef.

Delivery Guy turns away.

CARMY
Hold on, you wait right here until my
partner chef Steve gets here.

STEVE (O.S.)
Somebody ring for Steve?

Carmy turns around to see his partner chef and famous

citizen of Chicago, Illinois STEVE URKEL, climbing through
the window. Now 24, he dons his classic dorky glasses and
suspenders over a clean, bright orange apron.
 2.

APPLAUSE. CHEERING

Carmy turns back to the Delivery Guy, holds out a hand.

CARMY
Stop clapping.

Delivery Guy hangs his head in shame. Walks off.

CARMY (cont'd)
(To Steve)
Did you seriously only order twenty
five dogs for our dog truck?

STEVE
Did I do that?

CARMY
That's what I just fucking asked you.

Carmy runs a distressed hand through his voluminous hair.

CARMY (cont'd)
This was our big opening day, partner
chef Steve.

STEVE
Don't worry Carmy. It's just dogs.

CARMY
They might just be dogs to you, Urk-
Man. But this dog truck... these
dogs... they're how I'm planning to
fund my big trip to chef class in
York. New York. The city, not just
the state. East side. Right by
Pennsylvania. Connecticut too. People
say it's close to New Jersey, but
I'll believe that when I see it.

Steve tears open a bag of buns and starts absolutely

annihilating them one after another. No chewing, just
swallowing.

CARMY (cont'd)
I want to be a big chef for the rest
of my life. And not just dogs.
Sandwiches too. Maybe even a fork and
knife meal.

STEVE
Why don't you work at The Beef with
your big brother Michael?
 3.

CARMY
Big brother Michael is a good man,
and a better brother. But I could
never work there, not as long as
Cousin Richie --

RICHIE (O.S.)
You talkin' shit about me you little
prick?

Carmy whips around to see RICHIE JERIMOVICH, mid-thirties,

sweat-stained "The Beef" T-shirt.

CARMY
What do you want, fucko?

RICHIE
Heard about your dog blunder. Twenty-
five? Good luck with that.

Richie cackles.

CARMY
Who told you that?

RICHIE
Word spreads fast in the kitchen.
Know what, Carmy? I bet you won't
even get twenty-five customers today.
Only people who'll show up are Urkie
boy's friends the Winslows.

STEVE
How's your wife doing, Richie?

RICHIE
As beautiful as ever and she loves me
too. And I love her and we have a
beautiful child together.

Richie smirks and looks back to Carmy.

RICHIE (cont'd)
Hey Carmy, guess what? Michael's been
letting me make sandwiches lately.
Fork and knife meals, too.

SLAM. Carmy shuts the door in Richie's stupid fucking face.

STEVE
What have you done?
 4.

CARMY
I just shut the door in Richie's
stupid fucking face. We're ruined
Steve. We need to get one-hundred and
seventy-five more dogs before our big
dog truck's grand opening in half an
hour.

Steve swallows his last bun. He's been pounding them back
this whole goddamn time.

STEVE
Don't worry, Carmy. I have an idea...
that just might work.

CARMY
I'm out of ideas, Steve, so I would
like to hear your idea, Steve.

STEVE
When I was younger, I built a real
actual cloning machine.

CARMY
You're right that's something you
really did. You're not making that up
you really built that.

STEVE
Yeah I really did do that. And now
I'm wondering... what if we used the
cloning machine --

CARMY
The one you actually built.

STEVE
-- yeah the one I really did build,
and we use it to clone the dogs until
we have two hundred.

CARMY
Okay... this better work. My ass is
on the line here.

STEVE
Your dogs are on the line, too!

Steve makes a classic Urkel face, pandering silently to a

nonexistent audience.

CARMY
Okay.
 5.

INT. CLONING ROOM - NIGHT

KA-CHUNK.

Steve throws a heavy lever on the wall, illuminating the

dark basement room.

CARMY
Woah.

Shelves lined with potions, serums, and other various

concoctions. Doodads and gizmos mounted on the walls.

And in the center stands Steve's CLONING MACHINE, a human

sized metal box with buttons and switches covering one side.
A bright yellow radiation symbol emblazoned on the latched
steel door.

STEVE
You bring the dogs?

CARMY
We've been together the whole time,
you saw me grab them.

STEVE
Let's do this.

Steve walks to the center of the room. Grabs the latch and
pulls. The door pops open.

STEVE (cont'd)
Dump em in.

Carmy waddles nervously to the machine.

Fishes three dogs from his right pocket. Four more from the
left. Back pocket... breast pocket... apron pocket.

Dumps them all in.

Steve starts to close the door.

CARMY
Wait!

Carmy gets down on one knee. Rolls down his left sock to
reveal one last wet dog.

Tosses it in. It SLAPS against the other dogs.

CARMY (cont'd)
Okay, let's do this.
 6.

The door slams shut. Steve flips a lever on one side of the
box.

The room goes dark, save for the blinking lights lining the
machine.

BEEPS and BOOPS ring out. Electricity CRACKLES.

DING!

Steve unlatches the door. Steam HISSES out as it swings

open.

Carmy and Steve lean forward to see the box's contents.

CARMY (cont'd)
Oh no...

STEVE AND CARMY

Bratwurst!

WUMP WUUUUUUMP.

Indeed, piled in the center is a whole lotta bratwurst.

CARMY
We can't sell brats from a dog truck!

STEVE
Did I do that?

Evil laughter rings out from the darkness.

STEFAN (O.S.)
No, Steven. I did.

Carm and Steve look to eachother, then slowly pivot to face

the shadows.

A dark figure emerges... steps into the light to reveal

STEFAN URQUELLE, Steve Urkel's sexy, suave clone.

STEVE
Stefan?

STEFAN
Indeed, Steve. It's me, Stefan
Urquelle, your real clone that you
really genuinely made all those years
ago.

CARMY
But why? Why did you do this to our
dogs?
 7.

STEFAN
You see, my precious Carmella --

CARMY
Carmen.

STEFAN
-- as a clone, I never quite fit in.
Urkel was always the popular one,
with our family as well as the
Winslows. Meanwhile I was just
brought into existence one day, no
agency in the matter. No one cared
for Stefan Urquelle. But Steve and
I... we were partners. He always
treated me like a friend -- no... a
brother. I had no one but him.

Stefan paces, slowly circling the two chefs.

STEFAN (cont'd)
And then, just like that, everything
changed, I'm shipped off to Paris. To
become a model. I was told I would be
happy there. I had the looks... the
charm... I am the living embodiment
of sex. And yet... I found myself
craving more. I had no one to care
for me. No one to love me. Not even
my beloved Laura could stand me for
long... called my clone heart cold,
and left me for the man who brought
me into this wretched world.

STEVE
Stefan, wait --

STEFAN
But maybe you abandoned me for good
reason! After all, you are the mad
genius Steve Urkel. Perhaps
partnerships just aren't your style.
So you could imagine my surprise when
I heard the news of you opening a dog
truck with your new chef du partner
Carmel Cubziti --

CARMY
It's Carmen Cubzatto, prick.

STEVE
Leave Carmy out of this, Stefan.
 8.

STEFAN
How could I? He's the very center of
my pain, Urkel. Or should I say...
Jerkel.

Carmy gasps. Steve grits his teeth.

STEFAN (cont'd)
Well, Jerkel, you're not the only one
with a new partner. After making some
tweaks to your cloning machine, I
made a clone of my own. One more
dastardly and evil than I could ever
be... well, how about you just mean
him yourselves?

Stefan claps, and out from the shadows emerges another

figure.

The dim light illuminates his face just enough to see

Stefan's vile, evil creation in its fullest form.

Standing before them is HITLURKEL, a devious combo of

Stefan's dashing looks and Hitler's awful haircut and
mustache.

HITLURKEL
Guten Tag.

STEFAN
Carmy, Steve... meet Hitlurkel.

CARMY
Jesus Christ.

STEVE
You've gone too far this time,
Stefan.

STEFAN
Oh have I? Without Hitlurkel, I would
have never gotten you two here, alone
and unarmed.

HITLURKEL
It vas mein idea to edit zee order to
only have tventy-five dogs.

STEFAN
And now, to exact my revenge.

Stefan pulls out a pistol, raises it at Carmy.

 9.

STEFAN (cont'd)
Sorry Urkel, looks like family
doesn't matter.

BANG

The bullet glides for Carmy in slo-mo.

STEVE
(slo-mo)
NOOOOO!

Steve dives between Carmy. Takes the bullet right in the

chest.

CARMY
(slo-mo)
STEEEVE!

His body hits the ground.

Time returns to normal.

Carmy falls to his knees, clutching Steve.

CARMY (cont'd)
Stay with me Steve.

STEFAN
Too bad, really. I would have loved
to eat one of your dogs.

STEVE
There's one thing you got wrong
Stefan.

STEFAN
And what's that?

STEVE
You did get us here alone --

Steve whips out his own pistol.

STEVE (cont'd)
-- but I'm always packing.

STEFAN
Wait --

BANG

Caps Stefan.
 10.

HITLURKEL
Oh no, vait, please, I vas only born
yester--

BANG.

Hitlurkel's pathetic fascist body flops to the ground.

CARMY
Steve, thank you!

Steve coughs up blood.

STEVE
Did I... do that?

CARMY
Oh god.

STEVE
Carmy... I need you to... I need you
to do something for me...

CARMY
What is it, Steve?

STEVE
My will... I left my fortune to
you... twenty-thousand dollars...

CARMY
Woah, Steve. That's exactly how much
chef class in York costs. New York.
It's south of Albany, if you go --

STEVE
I know New York, Carmy.

CARMY
Right.

STEVE
Carmy, please... when you're busy
making all your fork and knife
meals... don't forget to sometimes
cook up a dog.

Tears stream down Carmy's face.

CARMY
I won't, Steve. I never will.
 11.

STEVE
(fading)
You can boil it... fry it... grill
it... microwave it.. sometimes you
can even stick it over a fire...

CARMY
Oven?

STEVE
Ovens... sure... but if you have an
oven... you probably have a stove
right there... it's so much...
quicker.

Steve breathes in one last Urkel breath... and dies.

Carmy keels over, sobbing into Steve's bloody chest.

CARMY
If anyone ever asks me, "Why isn't
Steven Quincy Urkel in Chicago
anymore? Why doesn't he ever come to
your restaurant?" I'll tell them this
story.

STEFAN (O.S.)
(Booming)
Well done, Carmy.

Carmy looks up to see a translucent, ghostly figure of

Stefan, hovering over his hot clone body.

CARMY
Stefan? What the hell are you doing
here?

STEFAN
I have learned from my ways... and
you. You have grown as a person. You
are no longer Carmy "The Cub"
Cubzatto. I dub thee... CARMY "THE
BEAR" BERZATTO.

CARMY
Thank you Stefan. Is Steve with you?

STEFAN
Steve is long gone, Carmy. He's
hanging with the man upstairs.

Stefan points a holy finger to the heavens.

 12.

STEFAN (cont'd)
So long Carmy. Or should I say... The
Bear.

Stefan winks, raises his arms into a cross position, and

slowly ascends until he disappears beyond the ceiling.

MUSIC CUE: "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses.

Carmy stares up, as heavenly light shines down on him.

CARMY (V.O.)
And that... is the story of how I,
Carmen Berzatto, officially became
"The Bear."

CUT TO BLACK

THE END