NOT A LOVE STORY

Heloisa de Maia Areias September, 2011.

This is not a happy story. Because Im not a happy person. Yeah, I actually enjoy a little drama, but I just cant say my life is awesome right now. Im lost. Everything I used to know is lost since everything I was has faded away. You might be thinking that some guy hurt me. If you are, youre right. But, as usual, theres a lot more. Theres been a lot going on. And its not being easy with everyone walking away. Do you know that feeling that youve found the right person, the other half, the lucky one, the chosen you? If youre lucky, you dont. Well, I had this feeling. Bull shit. Stupid feelings. It all started one year ago. Everything was fine. Not great or perfect, but it was fine. I was actually enjoying my life. My friends were cool. I lived lies but I was happy with them, I didnt need the truth, I was OK with happy lies. And then boom, you showed up and my world turned inside out and my life has changed forever and Im so obviously. But you know what? I dont really care. Since that jerk, I dont care to many things. I swear to God I didnt mean to fall in love, I was not there for it. Trip with friends, four days with school to pray and do God stuff, make friends thats all I wanted over there. But I got there, and you came to say hello. No, it was not in the first sight, but for God sake, why the hell did you have to say hello? You couldve passed by and left me with my whatever life, but no, you said hi! Im her brother. Bro, just because Im talk to your sister and you best friend, you dont have to talk to me. And I kept talking like if you werent there yes, I know its different now, but I was a smart girl. No, I was fifteen, no fifteen is smart. Fifteens fall in love. Just jerks for in love. All of them get hurt in some point, it doesnt even make sense. But anyway, there was me being well, me, laughing around, the girl who wants to make friends. I didnt need new friends, the old ones were cool. Some fake ones, but they were cool to hang out, I had some great times with them. But, as I said, fifteens arent quite smart. So you were there and I was there and everybody was doing the right thing and praying and I wanted to make friends and you didnt even believe in God. And one more time: WHY? Why were you there? You dont even believe it. Some people would kill to be there, and you didnt know how to pray. But we talked. And we were there, talking. The whole fucking evening. And, I hate to say it, but you are a funny guy. Quite funny. Fucking funny guys, for me, being funny makes a guy ten times hotter. And you had a great smile too good to be used that much, you shouldve shut up. But then comes my biggest mistake. Ironic, isnt it? Ive started it. I was the one who got close. I WANTED TO MAKE FRIENDS. You just wanted to miss school. But no, I was the nice girl, I could be shy, closed, so many adjectives to be, but no, I had to be the girl who talks to everyone. You were there, alone in a park bench lied in my best friends legs, and I went to talk God, why cant I keep my mouth shut? and, for some stupid reason, my bff left. And Im such a good girl, and you lied in my bed. WHY ME?

There were two hundred people over there, probably more girls than boys, and I had to be there for you to lie. And guess what we started doing? We talked. And laughed. And fell in love. When I realized, everyone was praying and I had my head in your shoulder and your hand next to mine. Damn, I hate the hands story; love stories always have the hand thing. Who cares about the hands? I hardly remember your hands. The day was over by then, I went to bed, and as a sweet girl I went to my room not to sleep and convince myself that you didnt matter. And I hardly closed my eyes that night, because for the first time, reality was much better than any dream could be. Guess who was waiting for me to go to breakfast? Him. Exactly. There he was, even hotter than before and he smiled when I appeared. Why smile? He has a gorgeous smile, he should keep for someone better than me. He hugged me. And I found out the there was something better than smiles: hugs. To make it clear, from now on, there are nothing but mistakes. It will look like a love story; Ill make it look like a love story; sometimes, I wish it was a love story; but its not. Im saying this cause its something I need to remember myself every night. And you gave me many hugs that day. We sit together to hear people I dont know exactly what were people saying, I think the only thing I remember of that day is that a friend of yours asked me if we were together. And I was like dude, of course no, were here to pray and he was like I may not know you, but I know him. Youre not praying at all. But I thought it was a random question because we were spending quite a long time together all the time. But that was a night to remember. And I do remember, every fucking detail that I shouldve forgot ages ago. I was sit in the middle of many pillows in a big room where people were going to pray later Oh fuck, Im so going to hell for doing it. And for saying it an enough distance of everything and everyone. You were there, by my side. It was a big room. There were more people over there. Why didnt you go with your friends? Your friends were there. I was just any girl you knew and, after I found out, wanted to make out with. _So, I like you. The beginning of the end. What am I talking about? Its the beginning of nothings, there cant be an end it there was no beginning. _Well, I like you too. Really, jerk, really? As if it wasnt written in my face. _No, I mean, I really like you _I like you too. _Would you be with me then? _I dont know if you realized, but there are people praying everywhere. And there are sisters. And if theyd find out, wed both be death. _What if they didnt exist? People started looking at us. I wonder what they were thinking. Probably those jerks should be praying or they dont deserve my respect at all. As usual

in people, I could bet none of them thought of, theyre in love, how beautiful or poor girl, heart breaking coming. But they looked, and I really wanted to kiss him and it was really hard to say no to that. Well, I was fifteen. I think you know that I didnt thought with my mind. Neither with my heart. No need to say what was I thinking with. But it was a lot better than heart, because hearts dont think, they fuck up everything. _Why dont we go talk outside? Damn, Im a bitch. Im the worst slut in the world. But I swear that I actually wanted to talk, I men I always want to talk. _Sure. He hugged me. And for the first time, we didnt talk, it was probably the best hug I ever lived. I dont know how to explain, it just happened. So I looked up, I dont know why, I wanted to see his eyes. He kissed me. He. Kiss. Me. I know. He kissed me. Me. Kissed. Him. Yeah. People started to arrive, and he has kissed me. And I wanted to keep on kissing you as long as I could, but I just couldnt, I had to pretend that I gave a shit to what was going on. But in some point, the world stopped. You lied on my legs again, but that time you were looking at my eyes and actually holding my hand now I find hands more interesting. I love you, he said. 6 billion people in the world. Some of them gave you life, like your parents; youve being knowing them forever, like your sister; your best friend was the nicest guy ever; you couldve said you loved any of them, but no. You said you loved me. And the worst part: I believed. And even worst: I said it back. And it was probably the best moment of my life. And I am the biggest jerk ever for feeling like that, and for saying it back, and for remember it until now. But, anyway, its done. So, once you make a mistake, you realize you made it and you try to go back in your choice, if you are a smart person, of course. But I am not. Guess what: in the next day, we were still together. It took quite a long time to fall sleep that night. I was just thinking about you. And I wonder if in any moment I thought that you were leaving soon. Answer: of course no. I never thought that you would go away in some point. I dont know, maybe I thought that we would be there forever and date and get marry and have sex and have children, but I didnt think that it all could happen in more two days. Stupid, isnt it? I know it is. It still is. So in the next day I woke up after not-sleep and you kissed me. It was so like boyfriend and girlfriend in my head, it has never happened before I actually liked that feeling, cause it was you. Now I know that only liked because it was you, it couldnt be anybody else. I was so in love with you. And that day was probably one of the best day of my life. I simply love everybody there. After those days, I started realizing how cold people could be. I mean, I was a cold person there, Im sure most of the people there dont approve what Ive done maybe if it was somebody else, I wouldnt approve as well but I just cant regret. People have no idea of how I felt that day,

how I still feel, it was unique, I mean what we had. It didnt last, but it was real. It was love, I guess well, maybe I wish it was. But for me, theres no other way to define. I like to believe that it was one of those stories where love is just not enough. Many people there judged me, but I cant blame them I grew up since then, but I used to judge people even harder. Anyway, we spend the day together. And now Im done being cute time to start seeing the mistakes. In first place: how could I feel the boyfriend feeling if I met you ONE DAY BEFORE? How can I be more dumb?! Why, God, why? My best friend tried to say that day, but I didnt listen, I wanted to be happy with the nice guy who was also in love with me. Ok, just let me be dumb one more time, promise it will be the last. Ok, Im lying, promise will be the last of this page, that its almost over, but whatever, actually. That was not only the first time I felt that way, it was the first time someone felt anything back. I think it was the first serious I love you, besides the boyfriend I had when I was three. But mainly: it was the very first time I could actually believe it. I find the next thing Im saying the worst clich ever, but Its true: I could see in your eyes that you werent lying, you just cant lie with those eyes. And Im quite good at lying looking in the eyes, believe me. But you didnt have to say that, I would be in love with you anyway. Now, becoming myself again, you actually shouldnt have said that! Oh, right, I was already in the next day sorry, I go back to that day until today, sometimes. I wont lie that I remember perfectly that night, but I hardly remember the day. I remember that we made an different activity and you couldnt do it because your foot was hurt. I hate sports activities, so it was quite whatever for me. But that night sent me to hell and I cant even ask for heaven, we were so sinners. Ok, the mass was over, people were just dancing church songs around and being happy. Well, I was being happy as well we left. Dark corner, far from everyone, me and you. No, I didnt have sex, pervs. We just kissed. Ok, no way to be cute there or whatever, we were just kissing. It was special and everything, but no even I can make it look cute because its not cute to see people swallowing each other. But Ill try with the clichs like that I could actually feel your taste and stuff. Bull shit. Kisses arent romantics. Theyre hot. Kisses arent made to me romantic. Only in movies. You kissed me before going to bed one more time; I didnt sleep much, one more time; have no idea about how were you feeling. The next day? Then my worst nightmare begun: the goodbye. There you were one more time for the last time waiting for me to wake up. Fuck, thats my least favorite part, I dont even feel like writing anymore. I think thats why most of my stories have no ending. End means goodbye, I hate goodbye, dont find interesting to write about it. But Ill finish this one so I can convince myself that there was a goodbye as much as I try o to ignore it. There was another mass and I started to cry during it. my best friend was crying over goodbye and then I started to think that there would be a goodbye.

WOW HOW SMART! After three days to consider it, I found out that oh my God, you leaving to your town 400 kilometers in less than 2 hours. Just in time. When would I realize it?! Well, after many things that doesnt matter at least, I dont care - you went with me take my stuff. I was officially leaving. My mom was already there to pick me up. Time to go; time to wake up. You kissed me again. You have no idea of how I had to hold myself not to lock that door and kiss you until God knows when. But I hold myself back and kissed you. We were out of my bedroom. That was probably what I would call a walk to remember but in a bad way. People around me were saying goodbye, but I dont believe that any of them were that upset or chocked because theyre smart people who knew that wed spend four days there and that was it. But not me. Im the girl who talks, the one who make friends and, apparently, the one who dont even think about the consequences. And, fuck, how many consequences. You said goodbye one more time, now you only hugged me and said hi to my mother. I cant even remember what I was thinking. I wanted to stay, thats all I know. I wanted for you to come with me and stay forever. I just wanted to be with you. Sometimes, I still believe thats all I want. But I started walking to the other side and you were there looking at me. Before getting in to the car, I looked at you once more. I wonder what you were thinking. Ive never seen you again. Only in my mind, all the time. In my dreams, where you miss me as well. But in reality, it doesnt matter. Because its not a love story, its not even a story. Stories must have begin, middle, end. We dont have a begin, only an end and our middle was as short as Nicole Richie in jail. And love is not enough to make a love story, because love stories need happy ending. God, I miss you. I miss you everyday. One year after, I still remember every single detail of your smile. Where are you now? Why arent you here? This is so unfair. Im not asking for nothing else. Im just asking for you. Everythings so hard. It would be so easier with you. Im carrying the world in my back right now, and all I wanted was to have you by my side. Someday Ill forget it. Im sure I will. Until there, Im gonna be the story you dont want to tell anymore.