Cloudless Climes and Starry Skies

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/41710701.

Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Category: M/M
Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Relationship: Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Minor James
Potter/ Lily Evans, Minor Marlene McKinnon/ Dorcas Meadowes, Minor
or Background Relationship(s), Lily Evans Potter/Evan Rosier
Character: James Potter, Regulus Black, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Lily Evans
Potter, Mary Macdonald (Harry Potter), Marlene McKinnon, Peter
Pettigrew, Dorcas Meadowes, Bartemius Crouch Jr., Evan Rosier
Additional Tags: World War II, Angst, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship,
Regulus Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Fluff and Angst,
Alternate Universe
Language: English
Collections: Jegulus favs <3<3, TBR, God-Tier Marauders
Stats: Published: 2022-09-14 Completed: 2023-03-04 Words: 257,195
Chapters: 49/49

Cloudless Climes and Starry Skies

by Eniaos

Summary

During a sweltering summer in August 1939, Sirius' estranged brother comes to stay with
the Potters. A story of people uncovering love and finding hope on the brink of war.

Non-magical AU set on the brink of WWII, but it will continue on past 1939.

Notes

This fic is going to be quite different from my last one and is considerably more angsty,
although there will be a fair amount of fluff in it too! There will be depictions of violence,
injury, death, and PTSD in the later chapters as it set in WW2. Although these themes will
be covered, I won't be going into a huge amount of detail but I understand that it won't be
for everyone! As there will be some sexual content, I have marked it explicit to be cautious
but I'll put content warnings in those chapters. Also, please forgive any inaccuracies in
language and timelines! I probably won't be updating daily like I did for my last fic, at most
probably once or twice a week- but that could change.
 Chapter 1

James

James felt a trickle of sweat drip down his forehead as the heat of the day bore down on him in a
heady, oppressive weight. He wiped his head with the back of his hand and stretched his body out
on the neatly trimmed lawn of the Potter manor. He had an arm flung over his face to shield
himself from the blazing glare and had been dozing off for most of the afternoon. The entire
grounds seemed to be still, even the ducks at the swimming lake were hiding from the stifling
August heat. He had removed his shirt and rolled up his trousers in an attempt to cool down. He
should probably go for a swim, he thought, or maybe go inside and hide himself away in one of the
large cool bedrooms of the mansion. Either of these options were far too much effort, and so he
resigned himself to the fact that he was destined to recline on the grass until he shrivelled up and
melted away.

A fly began buzzing around his ear, waking him from his restless doze. He swatted it away and it
landed again on his chest. He moved to swat it away again but couldn’t find the energy. He
groaned through the humidity, wistfully wishing he was back at school in Scotland. He didn’t
often miss the Scottish weather but the muggy summer heat of Wiltshire was making him nostalgic
for the sideways rain and grey skies.

James heard the familiar trudge of boots against gravel on a path behind him. He gathered the
strength to flip over onto his front and peer up at the approaching figure of Remus.

“Alright Moony,” he called out.

Remus lifted an arm from the wheelbarrow he was pushing to wave to his friend.

“Hi James. Hot one today.”

“You can say that again, how are you still working? I think I might be dying.” James asked.

“The grind doesn’t stop for all of us just because its hot.”

“Shame you’re not friends with the boss… oh wait.” James replied.

“You’re not the boss yet, besides who else is going to keep this place in order."

James chuckled, “Fair enough. You coming to the dance this evening?”

“Yeah I think so. Although if there isn’t a break in this weather soon it’s going to be more of a sit
than a dance”

“Great. Sirius is arriving this afternoon, we can make an evening of it.”

“Alright, see you then. Play your cards right and you might finally get Lily to snog you,” Remus
said with a wink.

“Tonight’s the night, I can feel it.” James retorted with a bright grin. Remus huffed a laugh back
and picked up his wheelbarrow to continue on his way.

James waved at his old friend and flopped over onto his back. James and Remus had been friends
since as long as James could remember. Remus lived at a small cottage at the bottom of the hill
with his father. Both he and his father worked on the Potter estate, tending to the vast grounds.
Remus had always been as rambunctious and adventurous as James growing up and James had
never really noticed that there was a difference in their lifestyles. Not until Remus left school and
began working on the estate full-time. James remembered that he had been confused as to why he
was not going to university. Remus was one of the brightest people James knew, you never saw
him without a book in his hand.

“Who’s going to pay for that?” Remus had chuckled when James asked him.

“Well, we will of course,” James had said simply. And it would have been that simple, he knew
that much. His parents doted on Remus like a second son, but he had steadfastly refused any offer
of help despite James’ protests, insisting he preferred to work the land. It was good for his lungs,
he had claimed, which along with his distinct limp, had always given him trouble since he
recovered from polio as a child. James had reluctantly agreed to drop the subject after a stern word
from his mother to stop bothering Remus about it. In the end, James himself had decided not to go
to university either, he was destined to take over the estate anyway, so he figured why not make a
start on learning the business.

Later, once James was finally able to peel himself up from the lawn, he wandered through the
large, high-ceilinged corridors of his home, at a loss for what to do with himself. He jogged down
the small stone staircase into the bright kitchen that opened onto the manor’s vegetable garden.

“Hi Bertie” he said chirpily as he kissed the small round cook on the cheek while grabbing a hot
roll from the table.

“Hello love,” Bertie breathed an affectionate laugh as she playfully slapped James’ hand. “Enough,
you’ll ruin your appetite.” The short, plump woman made her way around the kitchen and began
chopping a large bowl of strawberries. “Although I’ll be surprised if anyone has much of an
appetite in this heat. It’ll be cold cuts and salad for dinner today. I told your mother; we should eat
out on the terrace while we still can.”

“Mmm,” James agreed around a mouthful of bread that he had stuffed into his mouth.

Bertie had worked at the Potter manor since before James was born and James had come to see her
as something of a second mother. She had always been there to comfort him with a warm hug and
steaming cup of cocoa when he would come running into the kitchen, cheeks streaked with tears
and knees scraped after falling from a tree or jumping into a haybale with Remus as a child. Not
that his own parents weren’t equally warm, but Bertie’s kind eyes and warm embrace had always
made him feel particularly doted upon. Now that he was older, James suspected that she had
appreciated the young boy’s embrace as much as he had. She had lost her husband during the war
and she had never found love again. For what it was worth, she seemed content to work at the
Potter mansion and focus her kindness on James, Remus and Sirius.

“It’ll be ready in half an hour, go and tell Effie would you.”

“Okay Bertie,” James said, launching himself off the counter and grabbing another hot roll on his
way out the door. He winked in response to Bertie’s aggravated expression. James sped through the
long corridors of the mansion towards the living room. Skidding on the dazzlingly polished floors
as he rounded the corners.

“Bertie says dinner on the terrace in half an hour,” he said brightly as he burst into the drawing
room.
“James dear, lower your volume please,” his mother said as she lay out on the settee, fanning
herself with an old newspaper. The large floor-length windows were wide open, the soft white
drapes blowing gently in the light breeze. “I can hardly think in this heat. Poor Remus is at his wits
end trying to keep the hydrangeas alive.” She looked fondly at her son who flopped himself down
on the settee next to her, lifting her legs to place on his lap.

“They’ll be fine, Remus has magic fingers. He’ll convince them to grow even if the heatwave
doesn’t break for another month.”

“Ever the optimist.” James heard his father chuckle from behind him. Monty was sat at a small
writing desk in the corner of the room, James hadn’t noticed him there as he had entered. “I don’t
know where you get it from.”

“Bad news?” James asked as he gently lifted his mothers legs up to allow himself to stand and
make his way over to his father.

“No news, in this case I suspect that’s not good.” Monty said gravely.

“It can’t be as bad as all that surely,” James asked. “It’s just a bunch of lunatics across the pond,
they’ll be dealt with in a few weeks.”

“Hmm.” Monty said unconvinced as he continued to study the letters in front of him. “I’m not so
sure James, it feels like it did last time. I fear something big is coming.”

James inhaled sharply at the reminder of what his dad had been through in his youth. Monty rarely
spoke about his time in the war, but the impact was obvious. James would see it in the glazed,
faraway look his father would get in his eye when he thought no one was looking, in the way he
flinched whenever there was a loud noise or a sudden movement. It was one of the reasons why
James would always go to Bertie when he was injured, he could see the panic in his father’s eye
when he saw blood, when he saw his son injured in any way. James knew that for his father to
directly reference the war, he must be worried.

James’ brow furrowed as he considered his father’s words. He tried desperately to think of a
solution, of something that would bring his father some comfort. He was always able to put people
at ease. At school when younger children would cry of homesickness, he was always able to
comfort them. He would take sheets and create a blanket fort between the bunks, gathering all the
younger children around to tell them ghost stories, dirty jokes, and heroic tales of knights and
wizards, until the young boys were laughing hysterically. When his best friend, Sirius, would
return to school with new bruises and sunken eyes, he would plan a new prank and buoy his friend
up until they were rolling on the floor clutching their stomachs in laughter. As he looked at his
father’s worried expression, he struggled to find an upside, a way to comfort his dad. The sense of
impending doom was too big, too overwhelming. James thought that he should be able to fix it, if
he just thought hard enough, he could surely come up with some solution, some way to slow the
tide of doom heading their way. Monty looked up at James and his expression shifted into
something soft as he noticed the worry in his son’s brow. He stood and patted James on the
shoulder.

“Don’t worry James, we have our best people on it. I’m sure it will all be over in a couple of
weeks.” James nodded, somewhat appeased, but the heavy weight that had settled in his stomach
remained despite his father’s words of comfort. “When is Sirius getting here? I’ve missed my
favourite son.” Monty said, a renewed joviality in his voice. James rolled his eyes and chuckled.

“This afternoon, he stayed a couple of extra days to help his uncle with something.”
“Good, he can help me with the flower arrangements,” Effie said from the settee.

“I can help you mum” James said.

“Thanks Jamie, but you know I look forward to doing it with Sirius.”

James smiled at his mother. He loved how his parents had embraced Sirius like their own son after
he had been disowned by his own parents four years previously. They didn’t only let Sirius live
with them but immediately embraced him as their own. Both his mother and father carved out time
to do things with Sirius alone. James knew this was their way of ensuring Sirius knew he was one
of them, regardless of his friendship with James. James didn’t know how he could ever repay his
parents for their kindness, or how he could ever live up to endless generosity.

After the group had a light supper, James lingered on the terrace, sipping a cold glass of white
wine. From his position on the other side of the manor he heard the faint jingle of the doorbell. He
let out a wide grin and jumped up from his seat, bounding through the house towards the front
door, Sirius had arrived. “I’ve got it,” he shouted to Bertie as he leaped down the stairs and ran to
the door, flinging it open. Sirius was standing at the doorway, his long dark hair outlining his
handsome features.

“Hi Jamie,” he said with a wide smile. James brought him in for a hug, glad to see his friend. The
few months they had spent apart as Sirius visited his uncle in London had probably been the
longest stretch of time they had been separated since they were fifteen, and James missed him
dearly. As Sirius stepped back James noticed a figure standing behind him. The other man, slightly
taller than Sirius, with the same dark grey eyes, black hair, and pale complexion glared at James
unhappily. James brow furrowed in confusion as he took in the new arrival’s sharp jawline and
heavily lidded eyes. He noted how the other man’s expression remained grim and unimpressed as
he scanned the house, his dark curls falling gently over his face.

“You remember Regulus,” Sirius said. “I’ve brought him to stay for a while, hope it’s okay with
Monty and Effie.”

Regulus, Sirius’ brother, James had barely recognised him. They had briefly been at Hogwarts
together but Sirius’ parents had moved Regulus to a new school closer to London after Sirius had
been disowned, obviously scared of his ‘bad influence’ on the younger man and only remaining
heir to the Black family fortune. Regulus was much taller than he had been at fourteen, when
James had last seen him, and his posture had straightened. He had the confident stance of an
aristocratic man, far different from the timid young boy James remembered.

“Of course they won’t mind, come in.” James said. Sirius walked confidently into the large foyer,
Regulus followed grimly behind, his eyes dancing around the room. As Regulus’ eyes landed on
James they lingered for a moment, and James felt himself become self-conscious under the
appraising gaze. Regulus looked him up and down, as if assessing the man Sirius had been
spending so much time with.

Sirius turned to face James, dropping his voice despite there being no one around. “I had to take
him with me, he’s left them thank God but he was running amok in London. It wouldn’t be too
long before they got their claws back in him.”

“You think?” James said, also under his breath, despite everyone in the room being able to hear.
Sirius pursed his mouth and nodded grimly.

“Yeah, they still want an heir after all. With all this trouble on the continent they need to secure
their influence.”

James nodded gravely, that heavy weight in his stomach returning. He turned and delivered a
cheerful smile to Regulus, patting him on the shoulder. “Welcome Regulus, you can stay here as
long as you want.” Regulus didn’t reply, but looked down at James’ hand and up again with an
unimpressed expression, his eyebrow raising slightly. James cleared his throat awkwardly and
moved back, removing his hand from the other man’s shoulder. He usually didn’t have any trouble
charming people with his bright smile and pleasant affection. Regulus’ unnerving steadiness shook
James a bit.

“C’mon, I’ll show you your room.” Sirius and Regulus followed James up the large oak staircase
to the first floor of the manor. They entered Sirius’ room first and Sirius swanned in past the other
men, happy to be home. He dropped his bags at the door and jumped back onto the large four
poster bed. “Oh how I’ve missed this bed,” he sighed.

James chuckled at the sight and felt his mood lift significantly at the return of his best friend. He
was about to join Sirius on the bed when he noticed Regulus standing awkwardly in the doorway
and realised that he had almost forgotten the other Black brother.

“Here Regulus, I’ll show you to your room.” James led Regulus to the large spare room opposite
his own that was usually kept for guests. “I hope this’ll do, it’s the only room that’s dressed. I can
get the bigger room next to Sirius’ ready if you’d prefer that one?”

Regulus scanned his eyes around the clean, high-ceilinged room and shook his head.

“No, this is fine.” He nodded shortly and remained standing; bag clutched in his hand in the centre
of the room. An awkward silence drew out between them as James struggled for something to say.

“Right. Well… I’ll leave you unpack then.”

James made a hasty exit from the awkward presence of Sirius’ brother and made his way back to
Sirius’ room where the contents of his bag had already appeared to have exploded across the floor
and bed.

“There’s a dance tonight.” James said as he laid back on the bed watching Sirius continue to dive
through his belongings.

“Oh yeah? Will there be girls?” Sirius replied.

“Of course there will be girls, it’s a dance. Well there will be one girl at least.” James waggled his
eyebrows at Sirius.

“Lord, you’re not still hung up on that Lily?” Sirius said exasperatedly. “You’ve been going on
about her since I met you. If she was going sleep with you she would have. I think you need to
move on and find yourself someone new.”

“I don’t know Sirius, I think I’m probably going to marry her.” James said as he stretched back, his
hands under his head. He could imagine it now, Lily as lady of the house, a rabble of children
darting around the grounds. She would make a fine wife he thought to himself, and they could have
a fine life after he took over the estate from his father.

“Well will there be any girls for me?” Sirius said.

“I’m sure there will. That Mary will be there, she always had an eye for you.”
Sirius waggled his eyebrows at James with a cheeky grin. “And booze?”

“Probably, but you know how they water it down at these things. But I think we’ll manage.” James
said glancing over to Sirius with a conspiratorial grin, thinking about the whiskey bottles he had
stashed down at the hideaway.

As Sirius continued unpacking James heard the crunch of gravel out of the high open windows. He
moved over and leaned his body entirely out of the window to get a view of the path below.

“Oi Moony!” he called down. Remus stopped and looked up at the window, his hand shielding his
eye from the sun. “Meet us down the hideaway at six okay? We’re going to have a little pre-party
before the dance.”

Remus looked up at James and smiled. “Sounds good, Prongs.”

“Hey Remus” Sirius said as he joined James at the window leaning his body halfway out.

“Alright Sirius?” Remus replied.

“Yeah good, I’m here for the long-haul now.”

“Well that’s good you can keep James from distracting me from my work.”

“Nah, I’ll just distract you too.” Sirius replied with a chuckle. Remus laughed and shook his head.

“Fucking posh boys, nothing better to do than bother a simple hardworking man.”

“Nothing simple about you Remus.” James called out.

Sirius and James made their way down the long lawn to the glimmering light of the barn in the
distance, nestled into the trees at the far side of the property. They walked with a swagger as Sirius
drew on his cigarette and ran a hand through his long hair. James pulled his collar up and took a
swig from his flask. He turned around to see Regulus strolling reluctantly behind them, face of
thunder with his hands buried deep in his pockets.

“Cheer up, It might never happen,” James quipped back at him. Regulus just glared back as they
stomped through the dry grass. They approached the barn, which was already lit up from the
inside. James could hear the sound of music seeping out of the small wooden shed as the old record
player he had brought down a few summers previously played gently. They strolled into the barn
to find Remus laid out on a small worn-out settee, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, glass of
whiskey in one hand and a book in the other. The room was lit by a small flickering gas lamp
which lit up the wooden slats of the walls, etched in graffiti from when they had been children.

“About time,” Remus remarked.

“This git spent about three hours doing his hair,” James teased as he nudged Sirius. Sirius simply
rolled his eyes and threw himself down next to Remus.

“Alright mate, got another glass?” Sirius asked Remus. Remus reached over and gave Sirius a
glass, topping it up with a generous helping of whiskey. James dragged an old wooden bench
across the room, pulling out his own bottle of whiskey from his pocket and taking a swig as he sat
down. He looked up to see Regulus standing grouchily by the door, appraising the room, hands still
deeply entrenched into his pockets. He made eye contact with James and James nodded his head to
the bench next to him. Regulus made a show of sighing disapprovingly and sat down but didn’t
hesitate to take the bottle of whiskey.

“This is Regulus,” Sirius announced to Remus. Remus nodded at Regulus from across the shed,
Regulus simply nodded back, his gruff expression unchanging.

“What’s brought you to these parts?” Remus asked.

“I’ve been kidnapped by my brother.” Regulus replied. James snorted, clearly a flair for the
dramatics ran in the Black family.

“Oh relax, you haven’t been kidnapped.” Sirius said. “He’s finally out of our parent’s control, now
he’s eighteen, but I’m not going to let him continue gallivanting around London doing who knows
what.”

“I wasn’t gallivanting, I was living with Uncle Alphard.”

“Yes, and he told me all about what you were getting up to. He said you barely came home before
the sun rose most nights.” Regulus let out a dramatic huff and James couldn’t help but quirk a
smile at Sirius’ hypocrisy when it came to his protectiveness of his brother. Sirius was the first to
get any of them into trouble and James had no doubt that he would be just as much of a terror if let
loose on London. “Besides,” Sirius continued, turning to face Remus, “our parents are still trying to
get their claws into him, bring him back into the fold. Thought it would be best if he stayed out of
trouble out here for a bit.” Remus nodded understandingly. Regulus simply huffed and glared at his
brother, taking another swig from the whiskey bottle he hadn’t returned to James.

“Anyway, what’s the game plan lads?” Sirius declared.

“The game plan?” Remus asked.

“Yeah for the dance, there are going to be girls aren’t there?” Sirius asked, a note of worry in his
voice. Remus chuckled but didn’t say anything, he shared an entertained look with James.

“I don’t need a game plan. I’ve got Evans,” James replied.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Fucks sake, of course you do.” He turned to look at Remus. “What about
you?”

“Me? I’m alright, no gameplan here.” Remus said, a note of amusement flickering across his face.

“What do you mean? A good-looking guy like you, I’m sure you’ve gotten all the local girls
wrapped around your finger since I’ve been gone.”

Remus raised his eyebrows at Sirius and chuckled. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I mean you’re tall, you have those nice cheekbones. I’m pretty sure you’ve got some decent
muscles under that jumper from all that manual labour you do.”

James couldn’t help the laugh that burst out of him as Remus raised his eyebrows at Sirius.

“What? It’s true.” Sirius said, looking around the group confused.

“Well thanks Sirius. But no, I don’t as it happens.” Remus turned to look at James. He had a
question in his gaze. James understood what he was asking. He looked at his best mate and then
across to his brother. Would they be okay with it? Sirius surely would be, he was always open
minded, and generally preferred the company of the more rebellious types. Regulus, however, was
a bit of a wild card. Brought up in that toxic, horrible household with those terrible parents, James
wasn’t sure how much had rubbed off on him compared to Sirius. He was staying at James house,
James reasoned, and so would have to just deal with it if he had a problem. James turned back to
Remus and gave him a subtle, almost imperceptible nod. Remus nodded back in acknowledgment.

“I don’t believe it for a second.” Sirius continued. “You and me Moony, we’ll be on the pull
together tonight.”

“Actually Sirius, I’m queer,” Remus said simply and without shame. He wasn’t open about it of
course, but he was never ashamed of it. He had told James a few years ago when James had
attempted to make him wingman for Lily in much the same way as Sirius was currently doing.
James had kept it quiet from Sirius after he had moved in four years ago, he figured it wasn’t his
secret to share.

Sirius started with visible shock at this announcement. James’ attentions were drawn to Regulus,
nervously anticipating his response. Regulus was just looking at Remus with wide surprised eyes,
there didn’t seem to be any distaste or hatred in his expression, just genuine surprise. That was
probably the best to be hoped for, James thought.

“Oh… oh you’re gay?” Sirius stuttered out.

“Not exclusively, but yeah mostly I’d say. Got a problem with it?” Remus asked, slightly shortly.

“No, no I don’t. I’ve never, well I’ve never met someone like that before.” Sirius stopped for a
moment as he appeared to appraise Remus with new eyes. “It’s cool to be honest. You must tell me
all about it. I want to know exactly how it works.”

Remus’ eyebrows shot up. “How what works?”

“You know, all of it. What’s it like getting off with a boy? Have you, you know…”

“Alright I think that’s our cue to get on our way,” James interrupted before Sirius’ questions could
get any more probing. Remus didn’t seem offended, he just chuckled under his breath.

“I’ll show you if you want.” Remus retorted smugly. Sirius’ jaw dropped open in shock at the quip.
Remus turned to share a hearty laugh with James as they got up and made their way to the door,
leaving Sirius sat on the settee dumbfounded. Regulus’ expression had shifted away from pure
contempt towards something like curiosity, James noted. He was a strange one, James thought to
himself. He was so quiet, but obviously observing every detail of the group. James couldn’t help
but feel slightly unnerved in his presence, like he was being studied ready to be judged worthy by
the other man.

The group entered the village hall, opening the doors wide and swanning in with confidence. James
took in his surroundings, there were clusters of people scattered around the hall, a small band on
the stage played upbeat tunes, encouraging people to dance. Groups of boys huddled in the corners
peering over at the girls who were whispering among themselves and shooting glances back. It was
a fairly lacklustre scene, James had to admit, as he noted that not a single person was dancing.

“Ready to liven this place up?” Sirius said at his side.

“You know it,” James replied before rucking up his collar and straightening his back. He and Sirius
confidently strolled over to a group of girls lounging against the wall near the band as Remus
wandered off towards the bar.
“Hey Lily,” James said with his most charming smile as he leaned against the wall next to where a
pretty redheaded girl was relaxed. Lily rolled her eyes at James’ sudden appearance.

“James.”

“So are you going to dance with me tonight?”

“Charming as ever Potter,” Lily replied dryly.

“Mary MacDonald” Sirius said to the girl who was standing next to Lily before making a show of
dramatically bowing and kissing her hand. “Haven’t you bloomed since last summer.” Mary made
a retching noise at Sirius’ remark but couldn’t contain the small hint of a smile at the corner of her
mouth.

“And what am I, chopped liver?” the blonde girl standing next to Mary said.

“Of course not, Marlene my love.” Sirius said, taking Marlene by the waist and swooping her down
into a deep drop before breaking out into a wide grin. Marlene let out a short shriek before laughing
heartedly as Sirius kissed her on the cheek and lifted her back up.

“Alright alright, enough of that. I need another drink.” Marlene said in a huff of laughter as she
made her way over to the bar.

“Mary?” Sirius asked, reaching his hand out with a pompous flair that only Sirius could get away
with. Mary rolled her dark brown eyes but took Sirius’ hand anyway and let herself be led out to
the dancefloor.

James watched the pair for a few moments, Sirius had a confident gait as he swung Mary around
the empty dancefloor. Mary let herself be swept across the hall and she moved her hips with
effortless timing. Her long pink dress was complimented with a matching pink flower placed
delicately in her dark curly hair. They made a very handsome pair, James thought, although he
somewhat worried that their matching fiery temperaments and unabashed confidence was possibly
a recipe for trouble.

“You know, you and me, we’d put them to shame if only you’d give me a chance,” he said to Lily,
turning his head to look at her. She was leaning back against the wall, her dark red hair fanning
over the shoulders of her white shirt. James couldn’t help but drop his eyes to flitter over her figure,
she was wearing a pencil skirt that stopped just below her knees and hugged her wide thighs in a
way that made James’ heart flutter. He quickly diverted his eyes back to Lily’s face and felt his
cheeks go red as he noticed the arched eyebrow Lily was shooting his way. He coughed
awkwardly and ran his hand through his hair in an attempt at nonchalance.

“Potter, I’ve told you before, you and me, we’re not going to happen.”

“Why not Lily? You know I’d be so good to you.”

“You’re just being petulant now.”

James couldn’t help the pout that descended on his face at this observation. Lily chuckled beside
him at the expression, and James’ face quickly lit up in excitement at having gotten a laugh from
her.

“Do you not fancy me Lils, is that the problem? You can tell me I’m a cad, you don’t find me
funny, you think I’m dumb as a doornail. But you cannot tell me you don’t fancy me.” James said.
Lily laughed again. “Well I certainly wouldn’t call you modest.” She said. Lily turned to face
James and leaned forward so her lips were close to his ear. “And I’ve seen you playing rugby
James, all muddy and sweaty. With an arse like yours of course I fancy you.” She whispered.
James felt his face flush and his stomach tumbled at the heated words. Lily leaned quickly back, a
hint of mischief in her eye. “It’s just a shame about the rest of you.”

“The rest of me?” James choked out.

“Yes, you know, the arrogance, the swagger, the public school poncy-ness.”

“Well if its only my body you want, I know how to shut my mouth.” James said.

Lily burst out a laugh again.

“Oh Potter, I’ll believe that when I see it.”

James was about to protest that he could, in the service of Lily Evans, in fact be silent for as long
as he lived when Remus made his way over to the pair holding a whiskey.

“Hey Lils,” he said.

“Hi Remus,” Lily replied, a brilliant smile crossing her face as Remus leaned down and kissed her
on the cheek.

“I apologise for this dolt’s behaviour.”

“My behaviour? You don’t even know that I’ve done anything!” James said incredulously.

“No but I can hazard a guess.” Remus chucked.

“Fine,” James sighed, “I’ll concede this one Evans, but you’ll miss me when I’m gone.” James
said.

“I’m sure I will.” Lily said. “Fancy a dance, Rem?”

Remus’ broke out in a smile when he saw the betrayed look on James’ face. “I’d love one,” he said
as he gave his glass to James and let himself be led out onto the dancefloor by Lily, throwing a
wink over his shoulder. James huffed in annoyance. He wasn’t sure why he was so hung up on
Lily, he had a crush on her ever snice they were children and she had never reciprocated his
feelings. James pondered this as Lily wrapped her arms around Remus’ neck, Remus leaning down
slightly due to their dramatic height difference. He took a swig of Remus’ whiskey and allowed his
gaze to scan the rest of the hall. More people had begun dancing thanks to Sirius and Mary’s
intervention and the mood had livened up significantly. His gazed stopped as he noticed Regulus’
sullen figure in the far corner of the hall, close to the door as if ready to make a quick exit.

James sighed and made his way over to Regulus, if he wasn’t going to get to dance with Lily, the
next best option would be to annoy Sirius’ younger brother. He strolled over and stood next to
Regulus’ glowering figure.

“The thing with dances Regulus,” he said, “is that one usually has to dance.”

“Oh yeah, then why are you standing here?”

“I’m working on it.” James replied.

“Certainly looks like it.” Regulus snorted.

James huffed, apparently everyone was determined to punish him this evening.

“At least I’m making an effort.” James replied gruffly.

“No offence but this isn’t exactly the height of sophistication.” Regulus said as he looked
derisively over the small village hall. James appraised the hall and the groups of people scattered
around it. He knew it was most likely quite different from the fancy balls and lively London
nightclubs that Regulus was used to and he couldn’t help but feel slightly offended at his dismissal.

“Oh and I suppose you’d know all about sophistication.”

“We’re a long way from Soho,” Regulus sighed.

“Well I’d go to a hundred country dances over one of your pretentious jazz clubs.” James replied,
his annoyance rising.

“Okay then.” Regulus replied, unruffled. James huffed, irritated that even his attempt to pester
Regulus wasn’t working.

“I’m going for a smoke.” Regulus said, pushing away from the wall and making his way outside.
James was left standing alone as the groups of revellers swung around to the brass band’s tunes,
the atmosphere was considerably more spirited than when he arrived. He crossed his arms and
pouted at the turn the evening had taken as he was left alone. He looked at the door that Regulus
had departed through and decided to choose the lesser of two evils, not wanting to stand alone
while every one else was dancing, and followed Regulus outside.

“Oi, give me one of those,” he said to Regulus, gesturing to his cigarette packet as he made his
way over to Regulus.

Regulus rolled his eyes upon seeing that James had followed him outside, but he handed the packet
over nonetheless.

“Why are you such a miserable git anyway?” James asked as he took a cigarette and lit it.

“Funny way of saying thank you.” Regulus replied.

“I just mean Sirius isn’t moping around all the time.”

“Shocking that, considering Sirius left when he was barely sixteen. I was stuck in that wretched
house until a few months ago.”

“Was it that bad, with your parents?” James asked.

“It wasn’t exactly a picnic. But I’m eighteen and I don’t need to be babysat by my older brother, I
was doing just fine in London.”

“That’s not what Sirius seems to think.” James replied.

“Yes well our uncle made him take me, said he wouldn’t be funding my ‘extravagances’ any
longer unless I stayed with Sirius for at least the summer,” Regulus said bitterly.

“So once summers over you’re off?”

“Yep. I’m heading straight back to civilisation as soon as I can.”

“The country’s not so bad, I think you’ll come to like it.” James said.
“Hmm, not likely,” Regulus replied taking a drag from his cigarette.

James considered Regulus. He knew the type, public school boys who thought themselves above
the everyday people that served them. He had gone to school with plenty of boys just like Regulus,
and he himself wasn’t so different. He thought it was probably only his own parents’ influence that
had prevented him from turning into a similar snob.

“I think you will. You might even find yourself a nice girl, I can introduce you to some inside.”
James said.

“No thanks,” Regulus directly. He had lifted himself onto a short wall and begun studying the
night sky. James felt the unfamiliar feeling of awkwardness descend upon them again. It was not
often that he found himself unable to continue a conversation, but he felt oddly intimidated by
Regulus.

“What’s with your obsession with that girl anyway.” Regulus said unexpectedly.

James started at the sudden question and moved closer to where Regulus was sat on the wall,
grateful for the opening in conversation. “Who, Lily? I’ve been in love with her since I was seven
years old.”

“That doesn’t sound like love to me.” Regulus replied.

“What do you mean? Of course it is!” James replied, slightly offended.

“It sounds like infatuation. Do you even know anything about her?” Regulus finally turned away
from the sky to look James in the eye.

“Yes! I know loads about her.” James said, feeling his cheeks get hot with frustration.

“I think you picked a girl when you were seven and you can’t be arsed to change your mind about
it.” Regulus continued, his droll tone conveying his disapproval. “Don’t worry James, I’m sure
she’ll come around and you can get married, have babies and live your quiet life in this village,
slowly growing to resent each other and experiencing nothing beyond this town until you die.”

“Wow, tell me how you really feel Regulus.” James replied. “And what exactly have you planned
for your life that’s so much more exciting?”

Regulus looked at him a moment and then diverted his gaze back to the night sky above them. “I’m
going to see where life leads me, go on a grand tour of Europe like the poets.”

“Didn’t they all die of syphilis,” James retorted. Regulus simply shrugged, apparently not put off
the idea.

“Well anyway, I never said I didn’t want to travel.” James continued. “It’s just my parents are
getting old and I need to take over the estate, some of us have responsibilities.”

“So you just want a wife to stop you being bored?”

“No! You’re being purposefully obtuse now.” James said gruffly, the conversation was beginning
to aggravate him. “So what’s so special about this grand tour? What are you going to do that you
can’t do here?”

“Literally everything, I’m going to go to India, to America. I’m going to do a tour around Italy,
travel the canals of Venice and see priceless art in Tuscany, the Birth of Venus, Michelangelo’s
David.” Regulus said, enthusiastic for the first time since he had arrived.

“That’s the naked guy, right?” James immediately cringed at what a luddite he must sound like. He
was smart, he knew he was intelligent, but something about Regulus made him feel incredibly
naive. Regulus shot an unimpressed glance at him.

“It’s also one of the most impressive works of the human form ever, but yes it’s also that naked
statue.”

“I’d like to see it, I’ve seen pictures.” James said, feeling desperate to redeem himself. “Although I
don’t know why they say that. He’s not exactly well-endowed.”

“Spend a lot of time looking at dicks on statues, do you?”

“You know what I mean, they say he’s the perfect male form. And yes I can see it, it is quite
striking, but I don’t know if I’d say he’s the perfect male specimen.”

Regulus’ eyebrows raised at James’ declaration. “And what would you say is?”

James flushed and he tugged on his collar to cool himself down. He felt himself get flustered, not
sure at how the conversation had devolved so quickly.

“Oh I don’t know! I’m no artist,” he said exasperated.

Regulus hummed and looked James up and down as he took a drag from his cigarette.

“You know, if I squint, you look a bit like David.”

James’ already red cheeks burned hotter, and he shifted against the wall, unsure how to respond to
what he wasn’t sure was a compliment or an insult.

“…thanks?” He stuttered out.

“But I suppose you're probably more… endowed.” Regulus said his gaze dropping down James’
figure.

“Er, yeah I guess…”

“Hmm.” Regulus said. James looked up to see Regulus biting the inside of his cheek, apparently
trying to hold in a smile as he looked back at James’ red cheeks. Well, James thought, all it took
was his humiliation but he had at least gotten a smile out of the younger Black brother.

With one last huff of laughter, Regulus stubbed out his cigarette and sauntered back into the village
hall. James was left feeling flustered and slightly perplexed about what a strange evening it had
turned into. He sighed deeply, ran his hand through his hair again and made his way into the hall.
If Lily wouldn’t dance with him, he was sure Marlene would help him save face with a pity dance
at least.
 Chapter 2

James

James slinked through the village hall doors and weaved himself through the throngs of dancing
couples to get himself a pint. He took a long gulp of the amber liquid and turned to assess the hall,
leaning against the makeshift bar. Sirius and Mary were still swaying across the dancefloor, as
were Lily and Remus. He spotted Marlene sitting with a group of girls chatting animatedly. He
drained his ale and sauntered over to the group with as much swagger as he could muster.

“Dance with me Marls?” He asked as he approached. Marlene looked up at him through her long
blonde fringe with a disapproving glare.

“Ran out of options have you Potter?”

“Of course not! You’re always my first choice,” he said. He plastered his most charming smile
across his face as he reached out his hand to his old friend. He and Marlene had been firm friends
since they were children. Remus’ unreliable health, and general disinterest, meant that he wasn’t
one for playing sports growing up. He could always rely on Marlene to throw a rugby ball around,
and she was a considerable opponent on the field. Even as they grew older James never needed to
dampen his plays for fear of injuring her, and there had been a fair few occasions on which her
tackle had left him limping home with a wounded ego.

Marlene’s expression shifted into something between fondness and pity as he stood in front of her,
hand outstretched. She laughed at his sorry expression and stood, letting him lead her to the
dancefloor. James grinned at her and he placed a hand on her waist. Marlene’s eyes widened and
James couldn’t help but burst out in laughter at the strangeness of the situation. Dancing with
Marlene felt like dancing with his sister, and he suspected she thought the same. Marlene looked
down at James hand and grimaced theatrically.

“Oh, give me a break,” James laughed. He pulled her towards him and began spinning her in a
wide circle. The band was playing a lively jazz number and James’ movements became more
dramatic, Marlene’s laughter bubbling out of her with uninhabited joy. The pair grinned at each
other and each tried to pull the other around as fast as possible across the hall, Marlene’s long
blonde hair flew out behind her as she spun wildly.

Mary shrieked loudly when James flung Marlene straight into her, interrupting her and Sirius’
close dancing. James ignored Mary’s protests and pulled Marlene back into his arms. They pranced
around the hall, spinning with increasing speed and force, the laughter tumbling out of each of
them as they reached unreasonable speeds and narrowly avoided crashing into the other
disgruntled couples. Mary let out another squawk as they completed a full loop of the hall and
managed to collide straight into her once again.

“For fucks sake James!” Mary exclaimed. “I’ll show you how you’re supposed to dance with a
lady.” She pushed James’ arms away from Marlene and took his place, resting her hand delicately
on Marlene’s waist and the other on her shoulder. She paused only long enough to shoot James a
disapproving look and then elegantly began foxtrotting away from James and Sirius.

“James mate, your lack of game is starting to affect other people.” Sirius said morosely.

James turned to look at Sirius’ glum expression and bit his bottom lip to keep from laughing.
“Sorry Pads.”
Sirius glared unimpressed back. “Well, it looks like your stuck with me,” he said as he took James
by the waist and grabbed his hand.

“Oi, why do you get to lead?”

“Because you just lost me my dancing partner, now shape up,” Sirius retorted. James couldn’t help
but chuckle as Sirius began twirling him around the dancefloor. Their movements became
increasingly erratic as each man fought for dominance. Sirius frequently stood on James’ foot and
James suspected it wasn’t always accidental.

“Well, if I’m destined to be alone forever, at least I’ll always have you,” James said over the loud
music. Sirius just shot him back one of his trademark grins and pulled them further into the
whirling throngs of dancers.

After James and Sirius had worn themselves out, and annoyed everyone on the dancefloor, they
returned to the bar for another drink. James spotted Regulus sitting alone in the corner of the room.
His sullen expression unchanged from earlier in the night. He was clearly determined to have no
fun. James shot back his whiskey and he decided he would make it his mission to cheer up the
brooding boy sitting in the gloomy corner.

“C’mon Reg,” he said, grabbing Regulus’ hand and pulling him up out of the seat. Regulus made it
difficult, turning his body into something of a deadweight for James to pull along.

“No.” Regulus snapped.

“You’re going to dance, and you’re going to enjoy it.” James said, undeterred. He pulled Regulus
over to his group of friends who had abandoned their pairs, Regulus dragging his feet with every
step. James turned and took each of Regulus’ hands in his own. “I know you can do it. Don’t tell
me you spent all that time in jazz clubs, and you never picked up any moves?”

“I can dance, I just don’t want to.” Regulus replied.

“I don’t believe it. I think you have two left feet. I’ll teach you,” James teased. He began pulling
each of Regulus’ arms back and forth slowly, forcing his body to jolt side to side as Regulus’ stared
at James with unimpressed eyes. His new tactic of resistance was apparently making his body as
limp as possible. James could work with that, he thought, and continued to move Regulus arms
along to the beat, their movements growing wider with each twist of his body. “There you are
Reggie, I knew you could do it,” James said.

James grinned when faced with Regulus’ dark glare. He looked slightly ridiculous jolting from
side to side as James forced him to move with the music, James’ smile grew wider at the sight, and
he noticed the small quirk of a smile growing at the corner of Regulus’ mouth.

“Is that a smile I see? I think someone is starting to enjoy himself.” James said. Regulus rolled his
eyes dramatically but couldn’t hide the amused crinkle in his eye. James burst out a laugh at his
success and Regulus began slowly moving to the music unprompted. As James finally felt Regulus
begin to move in time with him, the upbeat tempo of the tune filtered out and was replaced by a
much slower song. Couples around them found each other in the crowd and began swaying to the
melodic croon. Regulus expression shifted and he darted his eyes towards James’ at the sudden
shift in atmosphere. James felt himself become suddenly very awkward, holding Regulus’ hands in
the middle of the dancefloor. He opened his mouth but didn’t know what to say. Out of the corner
of his eye he spotted Remus sitting by one of the tables scattered around the room. He dropped
Regulus hands suddenly. “Could do with a smoke after all that dancing,” he said quickly,
abandoning Regulus on the dancefloor to quickly rush his way across the hall to Remus.

Remus was lounged back on a small wooden bench, one arm around Mary’s shoulder and the other
around Lily’s. He had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a glass in one hand. He looked up
and smiled at James as the girls conversed across his chest.

“Let’s head back down to the hideaway, shall we?” James suggested. The girls agreed and as they
got up to get their coats, Sirius wandered over, his cheeks flushed from the alcohol and exertion.
He threw himself down next to Remus in Mary’s vacated seat.

“Is the shack supplied with booze?” he asked. James nodded the affirmative as he noticed Remus’
gaze was distractedly focused on the other side of the room. James followed his eyeline towards
another young man. He recognised him as William Allen, one of the labourers from the village. He
was a tall, bulky sort of bloke and was staring at Remus with a determined, focused glare. James’
eyebrows raised as he turned to look at Remus whose expression had shifted into a smirk.

“I’ll catch you up lads.” He said as he stubbed out his cigarette and stood.

“Where are you going?” Sirius asked alarmed.

“Won’t take long, I’ll meet you down there.”

Remus threw James a wink as he strolled out of the village hall doors. James noticed that he was
quickly followed by William. He turned to Sirius, whose cheeks had become even more flushed as
he watched Remus depart with his mouth ajar. Sirius gaped up at James who shrugged, amused at
Sirius’ scandalised expression.

James threw his arm around Sirius’ shoulder as they trudged down the small country lane back
towards the hideaway. It had really been an old shed that had been left abandoned when James’
father had built a new range of stables on the other side of the estate. When James and Remus had
discovered it as children, it was like finding their own little sanctuary and the boys had quickly
taken ownership. They spent many of their childhood days running down to the small shack,
playing pirates in the rafters, and scribbling on the ramshackle walls. On many evenings Lyall,
Remus’ father, or James’ parents would have to trudge down to the shack past nightfall to find the
two young boys curled up asleep, tired out from their adventures. Eventually, the adults stopped
going down to look for them, and simply ensured that the shack was always stocked with blankets.

As they got older the boys’ sanctuary had remained a constant in their lives, even as James went
away to school. On the first days of summer, he would sprint down to the shed and find Remus
waiting for him, ready to hear all about his life away at boarding school. It was also the place
where they had their first taste of whiskey, and their first drag of a cigarette, both stolen from Lyall.
When Sirius had come to live with the Potters, he had quickly embraced the hideaway as the
group’s headquarters.

“Did Remus really go off with that fella?” Sirius asked as they made their way along the lane.

“Yeah.” James huffed a laugh. “You’d be surprised how many men in this village lean his way.”

Sirius hummed in agreement, lost in a thought.

“What about you and Mary? You seemed to be getting pretty cosy. Think tonight’s the night you
finally seal the deal?” James asked.

Sirius cleared his throat and looked up ahead to where Mary and Marlene were leading the small
group, arms wrapped around each other as they laughed and sang loudly. “Yeah maybe.”

Sirius’ lack of bravado betrayed what James could only assume was nervousness. Despite his
posturing, Sirius had never actually had a girlfriend. James didn’t understand why when Sirius
loved to talk about potential romantic conquests so frequently. He was certainly handsome enough
to turn almost any girl’s head his way and there was nothing Sirius loved more than flirting, but he
had never actually followed through. James suspected that Sirius’ swagger hid a secret romantic
inclination. James didn’t like to tease him too much about it and so rarely pushed the subject.

Sirius leaned against him as they swayed down the road. Regulus was walking alongside Lily just
ahead of the pair and James watched them with curiosity. He wondered what they were talking
about, he hadn’t seen Regulus voluntarily converse with anyone since he had arrived. They were
speaking quietly, Lily’s face lightening up in response to what it looked like was a joke told by
Regulus. James felt a familiar pang of jealousy. Jealousy of Lily or Regulus, he wasn’t sure. He
wondered how had she coaxed him out of his grumpy attitude so quickly, and why was she so
receptive to him when James had such difficulty breaking through to her?

James took in Regulus’ profile ahead of him, dimly lit by the bright moonlight of the clear sky. His
large eyes and dark eyelashes stood out against his pale complexion. James noticed that his sharp
features and defined jaw conflicted with his almost feminine elements in an infuriately pleasing
way. He was certainly striking, he looked like he could be in the pictures. James felt an
uncomfortable swoop in his stomach as he watched Lily’s easy smile with Regulus. It was no
wonder she was so entranced with him, he thought, and he couldn’t help but feel a slight twinge of
what felt like resentment towards the other man.

“I got a letter from Peter,” Sirius’ voice jolted James out his focused assessment of the pair in front
of them.

“You did? When?” James asked, turning to look at his friend.

“Day before yesterday.” Sirius paused and kicked a small stone up the lane. “He’s volunteered.”

James felt his blood run cold. Peter was one his and Sirius’ best friends. They had shared a dorm at
Hogwarts and the trio had been notorious at the school, running riot and playing pranks at every
opportunity. The idea of Peter in the army, it just didn’t sit right with James, he couldn’t picture it.
Peter was always softer than him or Sirius, more anxious about getting into trouble, or getting
injured. He had a sweet disposition and James thought that without the fervent protection of the
other two, he would have probably been picked on by the other boys. He was no good at standing
up for himself and tended to give people the benefit of the doubt when they didn’t deserve it.

“He volunteered?” James repeated.

“Yeah, been sent up to Durham for training.” Sirius’ voice was small and a nervous quiver
betrayed his fear.

“I wouldn’t have expected that from Peter.” James said.

“Me neither. He said he needed to prove himself, that he wanted to be useful.”

“It might not mean anything. My dad says it will all be over soon. It’s just empty threats, we’re not
actually going to have to get involved.” James said, trying to reassure himself as much as Sirius.

“Hmm. Peter seems to think that war is inevitable.” Sirius continued. “A lot of people do.” He
added after a moment.
James furrowed his brow and thought about it as they continued their trudge along the road. The
soft sounds of Mary and Marlene’s laughter filtered across the still night air, accompanied only by
the crunch of boots along the ground.

Sirius cleared his throat after a moment. “James, I don’t think he’s wrong. And, well, they’ve
already started conscription.”

James looked at his friend with wide eyes and inhaled sharply. He knew what Sirius was getting at
and his stomach dropped. Sirius looked up and met his eye, a serious demeanour cast on his face,
quite unlike the boisterous one he usually held. James didn’t know what to say, once again the
overwhelming sense of dread was too large. He couldn’t reassure his best friend like he was so
used to doing and he felt the heaviness of that failure deeply. What was the point of him if he
couldn’t provide comfort to those he loved? It was pretty much the only thing he was good at.

“We’re only nineteen, not old enough to be called up. In any case, we’ll cross that bridge when we
get to it,” he said, hoping that the feeble words meant something. Sirius simply nodded and looked
ahead. James looked up and saw Regulus had turned his head slightly, as if listening to their
conversation. His eyes darted up and met James’, a familiar solemn understanding in them.

“Well, there’s no risk tonight so I say we head back to the hideaway and get riotously drunk.”
James declared, forcing a jovial tone. Sirius face lit up with a grin as he too shrugged off the
sombre conversation.

“Now there’s a plan.” Sirius said as they picked up speed, approaching a small stone wall that led
to a large open field, at the end of which stood their destination.

The flickering light of the gas lamps lit up the flushed faces of the group who had settled into the
cosy shack. Sirius had put a record on, and the melody played gently over the soft murmurings of
the group. James took a swig from a bottle and passed it to Marlene who had taken a seat next to
him. Regulus and Lily were still deep in conversation, and it was beginning to get on James’
nerves.

“I say we should play spin the bottle” Mary declared suddenly, looking pointedly at Sirius. James
was grateful for her intervention that had gotten the attention of everyone in the room and
interrupted Lily and Regulus’ conversation.

Marlene rolled her eyes dramatically and sighed deeply. “Really Mary?” she said.

“C’mon, it will be fun” Mary continued. Sirius shrugged as Mary manhandled him away from the
record player and pushed him down to sit on the floor. She made her way around the rest of the
group, positioning them all until they were seated in a tight circle on the floor. James looked up at
Lily and felt a flutter of nervousness as he thought about the potential of the game. The flutter
quickly turned into something of a sinking feeling. Did he really want to kiss Lily during a stupid
game? As much as James liked her, he didn’t want her to kiss him on a dare if she didn’t want to.
He shifted uncomfortably where he was sitting crossed legged on the ground, his nervousness
growing.

Just as Mary joined the circle and placed an empty wine bottle in the centre of the group, ready to
begin the game, the door opened, and Remus walked in. James looked up at Remus’ tall figure
framing the doorway as the other man took in the group’s position on the floor. He seemed to
immediately understand what was happening.

“Christ, I should have stayed away,” Remus muttered.

“You weren’t gone very long,” Sirius said. Remus smirked slightly and James took in the slightly
ruffled appearance of his friend. His collar was popping up on one side and his auburn curls were
sticking up across his head. Remus shrugged in reply and made his way over to the circle, taking a
place next to James.

Sirius took it upon himself to start the game. He leaned forward into the circle and span the wine
bottle with a confident gesture. It spun around the group and landed solidly on Marlene. Sirius
threw her a wide grin and Marlene’s eyes widened in distress. Sirius waggled his eyebrows at her
as he slowly crawled across the group to where Marlene was situated. Marlene looked at Sirius in
alarm and his mischievous grin inched closer to her. Eventually, she rolled her eyes and muttered
“for fucks sake.” She pushed forwards quickly to peck Sirius on the lips, wiping her mouth with
the back of her hand theatrically as soon as she pulled away. Sirius laughed raucously, his ego
seemingly fully intact and jumped back to his original position in the circle.

Lily was next and James felt his breath begin to falter. The bottle seemed to spin for at least twice
as long as Sirius’ had, although it could have been James’ rapidly beating heart that made the
seconds stretch out laboriously. The bottle eventually came to a stop and James’ heart sunk. It had
landed quite firmly on Regulus. Regulus’ eyes widened as he stared at the bottle and then up at
Lily. He scanned the group and met James’ eyes for a beat as Marlene and Mary’s giggles wafted
across the room.

Regulus turned to Lily and offered her a tight smile, he leant forward and pressed his lips to Lily’s,
his hand briefly lifting to hold her cheek. The kiss was quick but noticeably longer than Sirius’ and
Marlene’s had been. The shed suddenly felt extremely warm, and James pulled on his collar, trying
to cool down. Lily pulled back away from Regulus, her cheeks slightly pink and she chuckled
lowly. Regulus cleared his throat and sat back, his cool grey eyes once again meeting James’.
James internally cursed Mary for suggesting this stupid game.

Mary was next and she gave Sirius a suggestive wink as she spun the bottle, he grinned back in an
equally flirtatious gesture. The bottle span past Sirius and landed on Marlene. Sirius and James’
eyebrows raised with interest and both men leaned forward expectantly. Mary turned to look at
Marlene and they smiled at each other awkwardly.

“Go on then,” Sirius encouraged. Marlene shot him an unimpressed look but turned back to Mary
who simply shrugged. Mary leaned forward in a quick movement and kissed Marlene. James’
mouth dropped open at the sight. Marlene’s cheeks had flushed into a deep red colour as Mary
pulled away and both girls quickly descended into a fit of giggles.

“Shape up boys or you’ll catch a fly,” Mary said looking over to Sirius and James’ dropped jaws.
Remus simply laughed next to James and took a swig of his whiskey. James noticed that Regulus
was glaring at him, apparently unimpressed at his immaturity. James cleared his throat and pulled
himself together. He quickly realised that it was now his turn to play the game. He took a deep
breath, unsure of if he was hoping to get Lily or not. He closed his eyes and span the wine bottle.
He kept his eyes tightly closed until he heard Marlene’s hearty laughter. That couldn’t be a good
sign, he thought to himself. He opened one eye and looked at the bottle which was firmly facing
Remus.

“Absolutely not,” he said defiantly.

“Oh, bog off, we did it,” Mary said.

“Yeah, why should you get a pass?” Marlene added. James looked desperately around the group,
all of whom had satisfied grins on their faces. He looked at Remus who was also sporting an
amused smirk. Remus quirked an eyebrow at James, daring him to follow through.
“Oh fine,” James huffed. He sat back on his heels and turned to face Remus who hadn’t moved but
was biting the inside of his cheek in a poor attempt not to laugh. James glared at him but reasoned
it was best to just get it over with. He took a deep breath to steady himself, closed his eyes, and
pushed forwards.

His lips met Remus’ and James was shocked to find that they were softer than he had expected. He
didn’t know what he thought kissing a boy would be like, but he imagined it would be harsher,
rougher than kissing a girl. He eased forward slightly, curious at the new sensation, and moved his
lips against Remus’. Remus had remained stock still and allowed James to take the lead. He pushed
forward slightly and began to feel unbalanced and so he reached a hand up, placing it on Remus’
chest to steady himself. His stomach swooped as he felt Remus’ firm chest beneath his hand and
James’ throat grew tight at the sensation. Remus’ mouth opened slightly in response to the sudden
pressure. James’ tongue automatically darted out and found Remus’, it was an unconscious
movement that James couldn’t find it in himself to prevent. He instinctively pushed forward,
deepening their kiss, his breath becoming ragged and eager.

The sound of giggling jolted James back to reality, and he suddenly remembered where he was,
what he was doing, and with who. His eyes flew open to find Remus’ wide surprised eyes staring
back at him. Remus was leaned back, holding himself up on his hands as James leaned over him.
James couldn’t remember pushing him over. James jolted away from Remus who simply observed
him with a poorly contained smirk. James cleared his throat and swiped a hand through his hair,
quickly sitting back in his earlier position. He took a swig of whiskey and finally looked up to see a
sea of shocked faces staring at him.

James’ eyes met Regulus’ who was the only member of the group not gaping at him. Regulus was
watching him with dark eyes and an intensity that made James shift uneasily. James quickly darted
his eyes away, uncomfortable with the sudden scrutiny. He caught sight of Sirius’ dumbfounded
expression, slack jawed and wide eyed.

“What?” he snapped defensively.

“You’re a good kisser Prongs,” Remus joked, patting him on the back.

“I’m sick of this game anyway.” James said petulantly. He stood up and walked over to the record
player to put a new record on. He lit a cigarette, he needed a moment to breath, it was so stuffy in
the room. He took a couple of deep breaths as his stammering heart began to even out and he heard
the rumblings of the group devolving back into their own conversations. James, finally having
collected himself somewhat from the swirling feeling in his stomach made his way back over to his
friends and slouched down onto the settee. Lily came to join him a moment later.

“That was interesting,” she said with a smile. James looked at her with a pout.

“Jealous?” he retorted, unnecessarily brash.

“A bit,” she replied. James at once perked up, straightening up from where he was slouched. He
plastered on his most charming grin as she laughed at his sudden change in temperament. “Of you
of course, Remus looks like a good kisser.” She winked at him and swiped the cigarette from his
hand, taking a deep drag. James’ grin dropped, unamused at her teasing. He slumped back on the
settee and caught Regulus’ eye again. Regulus was still sat on the floor, also smoking a cigarette.
He took a deep drag as he looked determinedly at James, as if contemplating a deep thought. James
felt scrutinised under the intense gaze; Regulus didn’t look away even as James caught his eye.
This evening was turning into a strange one and James wasn’t sure if he could handle any more
frivolity.
Marlene pulled Lily up from next to him and the three girls began dancing to the lively swing
music. Regulus, whose eyes had not left James’ stood and made his way over to the settee. He
dropped down next to James but didn’t say anything. James felt an awkward moment draw out, not
sure why he was feeling so unnerved. He picked at the frayed thread of the settee’s arm and
watched Sirius and Remus chatting across the room.

“So, this is what counts as fun in the country?” Regulus finally said, breaking the tense silence.
James looked at Regulus and scowled.

“You certainly seem be to getting on with Lily,” James retorted childishly.

“Mmm. And you certainly looked like you were enjoying yourself.”

James felt that familiar swoop of his stomach. He felt jealous, and hot, and confused, and drunk.
He was feeling all too much all at once and Regulus intense grey eyes staring at him was making
his head swirl uncomfortably.

“I’m going to head up to the house,” he announced, pushing his way up out of the seat.

“I should really be heading home too” Marlene said. Lily murmured in agreement and Mary
looked hopefully over to Sirius who was still locked in conversation with Remus.

“Mary, you coming?” Lily asked.

“Yes, I’m coming,” Mary conceded after a moment. Remus and Sirius finally looked up to notice
the group beginning to disband.

“I’ll walk you back to the road,” Remus said.

James, Sirius and Regulus strolled up to the manor in quiet contemplation. James didn’t mind, he
wasn’t in the mood for talking, and he certainly wasn’t in the mood for Sirius’ inevitable questions
about snogging Remus. They crept quietly into the sleeping house. Sirius bade them goodnight at
his door and James walked in silence with Regulus down the long corridor to their rooms.

When he reached his bedroom, James’ hand paused on the doorknob. “I think, despite your best
efforts, you actually had fun tonight,” he said. He turned to look at Regulus who had also paused
on his way into the bedroom. Regulus looked up at him, with the same cool look he had perfectly
fostered, his dark curls falling into his eyes. James grinned at Regulus stoic face which twitched
slightly, and James knew Regulus was fighting an instinct to smile.

“Whatever,” Regulus muttered as he turned around and slipped into his bedroom. James let out a
hearty laugh under his breath and entered his own bedroom. He flopped down on his bed and
stared at the slightly swirling ceiling. It had been a strange night, and he felt a tumbling in his
stomach, unsure of the source.

He had become used to Lily’s rejection by now, and he knew he should probably give up on her.
But he was so sure they were a perfect match, and she gave him enough crumbs of hope that he had
to believe there was something there. Maybe he was just being delusional. His mind wandered
back to the kiss she shared with Regulus, and he felt that familiar lurch of jealousy. He recalled
how Regulus’ hand had gently reached up to hold her face in a gentle reassurance. He remembered
the way in which Regulus’ long eyelashes had fluttered closed even in the brief exchange.

James’ mind inevitably drifted to his kiss with Remus, and he felt the now familiar heat descend
upon him. He flopped over to his front and buried his face in his pillow as he recalled how he had
embarrassed himself. Why had he gotten so carried away? He reasoned it was probably a normal
response, he could have been kissing any of the girls and he would have reacted the same way.
And it wasn’t like it was entirely unpleasant. It wasn’t unpleasant at all, as it happened. James
thought about how Remus’ lips were as soft as a girl, but he also recalled how his firm chest had
felt nothing at all like a woman’s, how the slight bristle of stubble had rubbed against his chin.
James’ breath slowed as he recollected the moment and he buried himself further into his mattress.

He felt a jolt of pleasure as his hips pushed unconsciously against the bed as he remembered how
his tongue had danced against Remus’ and how wide grey eyes had stared back at him once he
opened his own. No, not grey, he thought to himself, Remus’ eyes were a dark amber. Grey eyes
flashed through his mind as soon as he had the thought and he shifted against the mattress. Grey
eyes, long dark eyelashes and an unimpressed smirk. James groaned as he moved against the bed.
With sudden clarity his eyes jolted open. What was he doing? He flopped onto his back, breathing
heavily. His heart was beating rapidly, and he clenched his fists by his sides. He must be really
drunk. He crawled under the covers, ignoring he tightness in his chest, and in his crotch, and
submerged himself into the sheets, determined to sleep away his madness.
 Chapter 3

James

James awoke to a stream of bright sunlight crossing his face. His throat was parched, and he was
already sweating profusely, the heat of the day roasting even at the early hour. James groaned and
pulled himself out of bed, realising he had fallen asleep in his clothes. He wiped a hand over his
face and shook his head vigorously, trying to wipe away the last remnants of sleep. The action left
him feeling dizzy and a little queasy and he quickly regretted the exertion. After a moment standing
dumbly next to his bed, trying to get his bearings, his mind flickered to the dance the night before.
He grimaced at the reminder of the alcohol and his stomach swooped with a newly sober
recollection of how he had tried to snog Remus' face off.

“Urgh,” he groaned aloud, dreading the inevitable teasing that was heading his way from Sirius,
and Remus too most likely. He stumbled out of his room and towards the bathroom.

After James had showered and began to feel slightly more human, he made his way down to the
bright kitchen at the bottom of the house. He heard the mumblings of conversation as he
approached and saw that his entire family was scattered around the wide room. His parents, Sirius,
and Regulus were sat at the wide wooden table in the corner of the room, picking at a range of
fresh fruit, toast, and eggs. His father was reading the newspaper with a grim expression and Effie
was conversing quietly with Regulus. Sirius was staring into his coffee morosely. He looked about
as good as James felt and James was pleased that he apparently wasn’t the only one suffering the ill
effects of a hangover.

Remus, on the other hand, was looking infuriatingly perky. He was leaned against the kitchen
counter, crunching on an apple with his eyes trained on a paperback novel. He looked up as James
entered and grinned widely at him, a knowing gleam in his eye that made it clear to James that he
was not getting off the hook. James stuck his tongue out at him childishly and made his way to the
table to pour himself a coffee.

“Morning love,” Effie said.

“Morning mum.” He grumbled.

“I hear you boys had fun last night,” Monty said, a twinkle in his eye as he took in James’ ruffled
appearance.

“Yeah, was fun.”

“Regulus here was just telling me all about his time in London, must have been quite a change of
pace,” Effie continued. Regulus nodded, smiling sweetly at her. So he could muster up a level of
politeness when he wanted, James thought resentfully.

“Any news?” James asked his father. He reached out and stole a slice of toast from Sirius’ plate.
Sirius didn’t seem to notice, his glazed eyes stared deep into his mug, James wondered if was still
asleep.

“More of the same,” his father said grimly. James looked up to see his father quickly close his
paper and place it down on the table. James was just able to see the flash of a headline ‘New plans
by Axis,’ before it disappeared. James knew his father was trying to shield him from the news,
however he was anything but reassured. James wanted to know exactly what was happening, he felt
like he would be better able to prepare, to make a plan to protect his loved ones if he had as much
information as possible. He made a silent plan to swipe the paper from his father later in the day
and simply nodded, smiling reassuringly at his dad.

“Right, well I better head off. Robbie’s having some trouble with the new mare, and I said I’d give
him a hand,” Monty continued. He drained his cup and stood from the table making his way out of
the kitchen door, patting Remus on the shoulder as he left.

“Mmm, me too,” Remus said.

Sirius finally looked up from his coffee, awoken from his daze. “Coming,” he said as he made to
get up from the table.

“Where are you going?” James asked alarmed.

“I said I’d help Remus out with the fence down by Sullivan’s Road.”

“Okay, I’ll come too,” James said.

“No sweetie, I need you to go into town for me,” Effie said. Sirius shrugged at James and made his
way over to the back door.

“Later Jamie,” he sung as he swanned out the door, Remus threw the group a wave and followed
Sirius out. James couldn’t help but feel slightly betrayed that his two best friends had gone and
made plans for the day without him. He huffed petulantly and then looked up to see matching
unimpressed faces from Effie and Regulus. Oh no, James thought, that was dangerous pair. He
could not allow Regulus and his mother to team up, the combination of the two would probably
end him.

“Okay ma, I’ll take Regulus with me.” James shot Regulus a smug, tight smile in response to the
dark glare he received from the other man.

“That’s a good idea James, you can show him the village.”

“It’s in here- fuck- somewhere” James grunted as he climbed over old farm equipment and decrepit
furniture in an old storage shed in search for the spare bike. He pulled a large piece of sheet metal
away from what looked like an ancient plough with some difficulty and looked behind it only to
get a face full of spiderwebs. “You could help me,” he grumbled as he swiped his face and shook
out his hair. He glared at the doorframe where Regulus was lounging. The bright sunlight
streaming in behind him meant that James could only see the silhouette of his figure, but he could
imagine the satisfied look on his face.

“But it’s so much more fun to watch,” Regulus said. James glared at him and turned to make his
way further into the shed.

“Fuck!” He exclaimed. He had caught his thigh on the end of a rake that was sticking out of pile of
old timber. The place was a mess, he looked hopelessly around himself and regretted forcing
Regulus to come with him. He was about to give up and tell Regulus to stay at the manor when he
caught sight of a glinting handlebar behind a large combine wheel. He pulled it up roughly and
nearly toppled back with the exertion. Regulus was still leaned against the doorframe, watching
James’s struggle. With a final tug the handlebars came free, but the rest of the bike did not. The
handlebars had snapped straight off the top of the bike. James inspected the metal and realised the
whole frame was rusted; it was completely useless. He sighed deeply and considered his life
choices that had led him to this moment.
“Looks like I’ll have to stay behind,” Regulus said, the smug satisfaction ringing in his voice.
James glared at him.

“No, you can borrow mum’s bike.”

“There were other bikes I could have used this whole time?” Regulus asked incredulously.

“Well of course, but I thought you might like your own,” James snapped.

“Oh,” Regulus said much softer.

James clenched his mouth and climbed back over the mess, he glowered at Regulus and pushed
past him out into the courtyard. Regulus had a slightly guilty expression on his face, seemingly
realising what a prat he was being. Good, James thought, he was being a prat.

James collected Effie’s bike and presented it to Regulus. His bad mood wasn’t helped by the fact
that Regulus seemed unperturbed by the flowery basket on the front of the bicycle. Annoyingly, he
managed to make it look like a fashionable choice as he climbed onto the metal frame. James got
on his own and quickly pedalled up the long wide driveway away from the manor, not looking
behind him to see if Regulus was following. He turned onto the country lane that led to town and
continued cycling, now entirely unconcerned about Regulus presence.

It became clear that Regulus had, in fact, followed him when James heard the tinkle of the other
bike’s bell. He turned he head slightly to see Regulus catching up with him. Regulus was pedalling
fiercely, standing up and he shot James a smug grin as he passed him on the country road. His
linen shirt billowed in the wind and his curly hair swept of his face with the speed. James huffed
and began pedalling faster until he had caught back up with Regulus, he lifted himself out of his
seat, leaning forward to gain more speed. Regulus in turn began pedalling even faster and before
long both boys were speeding along the roads at a dangerously rapid pace. James’ irritation did not
let up as each time he would overtake Regulus, Regulus would speed past him. His chest tightened
as he huffed up the long dirt road towards the village, not willing to give Regulus satisfaction of
beating him there.

An old lady shrieked when the two men raced past her into the village and James came skidding to
a halt in front of a wide green. He leaned forward on his handlebars, chest heaving. He heard
Regulus come to a halt beside him and looked up. Regulus’ face was sheened with sweat, his eyes
bright, with a large smile on his face as he took in James’ position. James his best tried not to
laugh, but the adrenaline coursing through him and the ridiculousness of the impromptu race at
once washed over him. He leant his head on his forearm and his shoulders shook. He heard
Regulus’ hearty laughter join him and before long they were both in hysterics.

“Morning Sarah,” James sung. He entered the small general store with a swagger, bell tinkling as
he swung open the door.

“James wasn’t expecting you today,” a blonde woman across the counter replied. She had her hair
pinned up in a sweeping roll and bright red rouge on her lips. She had a fair, heart-shaped face.
Small creases in the corner of her eyes were the only indication of her forty years. Sarah leaned
across the counter, resting on her forearms as she smiled coquettishly James. James strolled over to
her and mirrored her posture on the other side of the counter, returning her bright smile.

“Any an excuse to see you of course,” he said with a wink.

Sarah rolled her eyes humorously but bit her lip slightly as her eyes flickered down James’ figure.
“Bertie sent a list?” James continued.

“She did,” Sarah said. She remained leaned towards him on the counter for a moment longer
before finally straightening up. She brushed her hands down her blouse and raised a hand to fix a
warrant hair, her gaze lingering on James a moment longer. She picked up a large paper bag from
the shelf behind her and placed it on the counter in front of James.

“Any chance you could slip in a bottle of lemonade? It’s awfully hot out,” James said, looking up
at her through his eyelashes. Sarah blushed slightly and proceeded to place the bottle into the top of
the bag.

“Anything else?” she asked, reaching her hand out to touch James’ gently.

“Not today, thanks Sarah,” James winked at her as he grabbed the bag and turned to see Regulus
stood by the door, arms folded across his chest and one eyebrow raised. “What?” James mouthed
at him as they made their way out of the shop.

“Is there anyone in this bloody town you’re not trying to shag?”

James huffed a laugh, “I’m not trying to shag her. It’s not my fault I have an irresistible natural
magnetism,” he said waggling his eyebrows at Regulus. Regulus scoffed incredulously.

They approached their bikes again and James placed the bag in the basket at the front of his bike.

“Follow me, let’s take the scenic route home,” James said, not giving Regulus a chance to argue as
he pushed down on the pedal and propelled himself up the road.

James huffed loudly as he struggled to pedal up the long hill towards his destination. He could hear
Regulus’ equally laboured breathing behind him, and he wondered if they would be better off
pushing their bikes up the hill. He didn’t want to be the one suggest it however, sure that Regulus
would relish his defeat a bit too enthusiastically. After much huffing and puffing, the men finally
crested the tall hill that loomed over the village.

James climbed off his bike when they reached the summit of the hill and dropped down heavily,
his breathing still ragged from the exertion. Regulus stepped off his bike and joined him on the
grass. James noticed that his face was also flushed, the spread of pink travelled from his cheeks
down his neck. Regulus’ shirt gaped open where the top button had come undone, and James
noticed that his chest was heaving. Regulus leaned forward, placing his arm on his knee, pulling
the linen away from his neck and exposing more of his torso. James felt his eyes flitter over the
sharp collarbones and the flat expanse of his pale skin.

“This it then?” Regulus asked, jerking James out of his exhausted stupor. Regulus was squinting
down at the scene laid out in front of them. The small village was nestled into the valley below
them, the tall church tower poking out from the collection of slate roofs and surrounded by the
wide expanses of gently undulating green hills spread out across the horizon. The sky was a clear,
cloudless blue. The hot summer’s day cast an unearthly haze across valley.

“Yep, beautiful isn’t it.” James said. They sat there for a few moments, listening to the soothing
chirruping of birdsong and the gentle buzz of a bee bumbling from flower to flower near their feet.
“I thought you’d like it up here. It’s the kind of place they write about in those poems you love so
much.”

Regulus nodded and gazed across the vista before them. “The horizon, and the stainless sky opens
beyond them like eternity.” Regulus’ voice carried across the still summer air. His trademark scowl
had been replaced by a soft smile as he squinted against the sun into the distance.

“What’s that?” James asked.

Regulus turned and met his eye. “Shelley. It’s a poem about the summer, this reminds me of it.”

“Hmm,” James agreed looking across the landscape.

They fell back into a comfortable silence. James reached into the paper shopping bag and uncorked
the bottle of lemonade. He took several long gulps, the sweet liquid trickled down his throat, a
sweet relief to his parched throat. He turned to hand Regulus the bottle and was surprised to see
that Regulus was already looking at him, a dark intensity in his eyes as drop of lemonade trickled
from James’ lips. James wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and passed the bottle to
Regulus, he felt a jolt of energy when their fingers met briefly.

James glanced up, Regulus’ eye was still trained on his mouth, even as he took a gulp from the
bottle of lemonade. James felt unable to look away from Regulus’ large eyes and he unconsciously
darted a tongue out to wet his lips. Regulus’ gaze snapped up to meet his eye at the gesture and he
quickly turned to face the scenery again, his defined eyebrows furrowing slightly.

The two men sat on the hill for a while longer, quietly watching a pair of nightingales dance across
the sky, swooping and dropping in an elegant dance. James felt a wave of peace wash over him as
he sat on the hill, the heady anxiety that had embedded its way into his stomach over the past year
easing slightly as they sat in companionable silence. Eventually James conceded that it was
probably time to head home, Bertie would be waiting on them.

When they returned to the house, Regulus quickly withdrew to his bedroom and James had run
down to the stables to see if he could help his dad with the new mare. He spent the afternoon
stomping around the stables, mucking them out and laying new hay. Once he and Monty had
trudged back to the house, removing their muddy boots at the doorway, they found that their
supper had been laid out for them. After eating, James and his father made their way to the drawing
room where they found his mother reading on the settee, a small lamp illuminating her small
frame.

Monty reclined on the settee next to his wife, lifting a leg to rest on her knee. James perched by a
dresser on the opposite side of the room.

“Remus and Sirius back yet?” he asked.

“Mmm,” his mum responded. “Sirius got back a while ago, upstairs I think.”

Their conversation was interrupted by an almighty thump from the ceiling above them. All three
Potters looked up in confusion at the loud noise. Muffled sounds of shouting could be heard in the
next moment and James looked at his parents in alarm. He hurried to the door and peered out to see
what was happening. As soon as he flung the drawing room door open the distinct sound of Sirius’
raised voice met him.

“You’re an ungrateful git you know that!” Sirius’ voice carried down the wide stairs of the
entrance hall.

“Like you’re so fucking pious?!” Regulus was also shouting. James turned and looked at his
parents with wide eyes. They were both stood behind him peering out the doorway with matching
expressions of alarm.
“What are they arguing about?” James whispered.

“I don’t know, they seemed fine earlier,” Monty replied.

“Go on James, see what the fuss is about,” Effie pushed her son forward slightly, prompting him to
follow the sounds of screeching.

“Bloody cowards, the pair of you,” he said quietly as he looked at his parents’ large eyes.

“You know, sometimes I wish you hadn’t been born!” Sirius screamed.

“That makes two of us, you absolute bellend!”

James hurried up the stairs, taking two at a time towards the commotion. He stopped at the landing
at the top of the stairs, halfway between Sirius’ room and Regulus’. Each man was standing
outside their doors and James darted his head from side to side to see if either was in need of
immediate medical attention. He raised his arms out in a pacifying gesture as he noticed the
projectiles they were holding. Sirius had a shoe raised above his head, his arm pulled back, ready
to launch. Regulus, more concerningly, had a tennis racket in his hand.

“What the fuck is going on?” James said slowly, so not to spook the brothers into full blown war.
He noticed the range of items strewn around the corridor that had clearly already been hurled
across the corridor.

“Just my brother being an ungrateful prick as usual.”

“I’m not being ungrateful! I just don’t see why you think I need to be worshiping at your feet. You
didn’t fucking save me Sirius. If you wanted to rescue me, then you were four years too late!”

Sirius visibly flinched and his shoulders slumped slightly at the harsh words.

“I tried to take you with me!” he shouted back.

“Not fucking hard enough!”

“Listen, I think we all need to calm down…” James tried to reason, his head still flitting back and
forth to each brother.

“Shut up James!” Regulus and Sirius shouted in unison. Sirius and Regulus were staring at each
other with glistening eyes and heaving chests. After a moment Sirius’ gaze darted to James.

“Sorry Prongs,” he said gently, seemingly realising how rude he had been. Regulus huffed from
the other side of the corridor and darted his way into the bedroom, slamming the door on the way
in. Sirius dropped his arm from where it was still raised and slumped his shoulders.

“Are you okay sweetie?” Effie’s soft voice carried up the stairs.

“Yes, fine. Sorry about all that Effie” Sirius replied glumly before making his way into his
bedroom.

James turned and looked at his parents who were both perched at the bottom of the stairs peering
up. James shrugged at their questioning expressions and silently shooed them away. He strolled
quickly over to Sirius’ door and opened it. He and Sirius had long forgone any expectation of
privacy and they never knocked before entering each other’s rooms. This had fortunately only
resulted in a couple of awkward mishaps.
“Padfoot?” James asked softly, his friend’s teenage nickname tumbled out of him naturally as he
saw Sirius’ curled up figure sitting by the window. James was immediately transported back to
school to when he would wake up in the middle of the night to find his friend whimpering quietly
from the other side of the dorm. When they were at school, James usually knew the reason for
Sirius’ anguish. His awful parents would have sent him some scathing letter, or more often, it was
due to the lack of a letter from his brother. James instinctively did what he always did to comfort
Sirius when he found him like this at school, he pulled the cover off the bed and dragged it across
the room. He climbed up on the window seat, sat cross-legged opposite Sirius, and pulled the
blanket up over their heads so it was covering the two men completely.

Within their cave of blankets, it was only those two. No outside world, no troublesome families or
impending war. Sirius finally looked up at James with watery eyes. “He said he was going to head
back to London as soon as the summer’s over,” Sirius mumbled. “I kind of freaked out.”

James nodded. He wasn’t sure why this had triggered such a drama. He thought Sirius would have
assumed that Regulus would eventually head back to London, but he decided now wasn’t the time
to question it. James reached out his hand and grabbed Sirius’. He held onto it firmly, rubbing his
palm with his thumb. Sirius sniffed and wiped his eye with his other hand.

“I know he does appreciate you Sirius. He understands that you did the best you could.” James said
softly. “But you know Regulus, it’s not in his nature to let himself be in anyone’s debt.”

Sirius nodded in agreement at the last statement.

“Did I?” He asked. “Did I actually do the best I could?”

“Of course you did Sirius, you tried so hard to get him out of that house.”

“I’m not sure. I was so happy at finally having left, at being away from our parent’s aggression.
When I came here, I think I might have gotten a bit caught up in the fantasy of a happy family. I
think I could have tried harder for him.”

James inhaled deeply as he struggled for what to say. “First of all, it wasn’t a fantasy. You’re my
family Sirius, and you came home.” Sirius smiled fondly at James. “And Regulus, well I know you
did your best, because I was there. If there had been any way to get him out you would have found
it, I know it.”

Sirius bit his lip and nodded again. He was looking at James with hopeful eyes and he looked very
young. James leaned forward and pulled Sirius’ head towards him under the covers until their
foreheads were resting against each other. “You good?” He asked.

“Yeah, thanks Jamie.” Sirius said. “Sorry for the ruckus.”

James laughed. “Two Black brothers under the same roof, it was bound to happen eventually.”

“Alright, I’m sweating my tits off under this blanket,” Sirius said, he pulled the blanket off their
heads and James was grateful for the sudden wash of cool air.

Sirius reached up to open a window and lit a cigarette. James remained seated opposite him and
leaned his head back against the cool plaster behind him.

“How was today, with Remus?” He asked.

Sirius’ eyes darted quickly to James at the question. “Yeah good. I helped him fix that fence, was a
bit of an all-day job.” James nodded and lit his own cigarette. They stayed there for a while in quiet
contemplation until Sirius announced he was heading to bed. James patted him on the shoulder,
bidding him goodnight and made his way out of Sirius’ room towards his own.

When he reached his door, he noticed that Regulus’s was standing ajar. His curiosity led him
forward to poke his head into the other boy’s room, it was deserted. James noticed that the room
barely looked lived in, Regulus’ packed bags were piled up against the wall as if ready for a quick
departure. James frowned and looked around the corridor, the bathroom door was open, he wasn’t
in there. James padded down the dark staircase and through the house to the back door. He peered
out and spotted Regulus’ lonely figure laying down on the large grass lawn. He was only barely
visible, lit up by the moonlit sky.

James crept out of the house and approached Regulus, who was laying on his back, arms limp at
his sides. Regulus didn’t move as James approached and dropped down next to him. He didn’t say
anything as he laid back next to Regulus, looking up to the starry night sky. They remained silent,
the soft inhales and exhales of Regulus’ breathing the only indication that the other boy was
conscious.

“What are we doing?” James said softly after a moment.

Regulus didn’t reply for a moment. “I’m stargazing.”

“Hmm. I don’t really know about all that. Could you teach me?” James asked. James turned his
head to look at Regulus, his brows were furrowed, and his eyes were slightly red and puffy. He had
been crying, James realised.

“That one’s mine,” Regulus said pointing up to a point in the night sky. “There’s Orion and
Andromeda…” Regulus paused. “That ones Sirius.”

“Hmm, that one?” James pointed above him. Regulus turned his head slightly to follow James’
arm.

“No, there,” he corrected.

“Oh, that one?” James shifted his arm and pointed at another random section of sky.

“No! Look at where I’m fucking pointing, it’s there,” Regulus snapped.

“Right, I see yes. It’s that one,” James twisted his arm to point at a section of sky in the opposite
direction to where Regulus was indicating.

“No! It’s fucking right there!” Regulus snapped, his tone getting irater by the second. James
laughed at his frustrated voice and Regulus snapped his head to look at him, eyes narrowed. James
turned to return the look; a wide grin plastered across his face. James knew exactly where Sirius’
star burned brightly in the sky, he had always been able to find it, ever since he was eleven.

“Pillock” Regulus mumbled. Regulus placed his arms across his chest and scowled at the sky.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” James laughed. “But really, where is the Regulus star, I can never find it.”

Regulus stayed silent, his childish frown unmoving.

“Please Reggie?” James asked nudging him with his elbow. Regulus eventually let out a laboured
sigh and spoke.
“Fine. Do you see the North Star? It’s that one just below”

“That one?” James lifted his arm again to point at the vague area he thought it would be.

“Nearly,” Regulus said. He leaned slightly over and grabbed James’ hand, he moved it across the
sky until it was pointed at a bright blinking star. It was blazing against the dark sky and James
didn’t know how he missed it, how he could ever miss it. It shone brighter than any of the others
around it and stood entirely alone, blinking down at him from the edge of its constellation. James’
throat was tight. The gentle pressure of Regulus’ hand on his wrist burned against his skin, a
tingling feeling emanating from the point of touch and trickling up his arm. He was suddenly
extremely conscious of how loud he was breathing and how deafening the roaring noise in his ears
was. “Do you see it?” Regulus continued.

“Yeah, I see it,” James said, his voice barely above a whisper. He turned to look at Regulus and
swallowed harshly. Regulus tilted his face to look back at James, he was much closer now than he
had been before. Regulus’ eyes widened as he seemingly became aware of their proximity. A long
moment drew out between them as they looked at each other, Regulus’ hand still encircling James’
wrist.

“You know, this is your home now too.” James said softly after a moment.

Regulus inhaled sharply and dropped James’ hand. He turned quickly back to the sky and shifted
slightly to put more distance between them.

“Been speaking to Sirius?” he said sharply.

“I know his delivery could be worked on. But you have to know how much he loves you Regulus.
He would stay up all night crying when he left you there. The fact that he couldn’t take you with
him, it nearly broke him.” Regulus bit his lip and furrowed his brow, his chin trembled slightly as
he listened to James speak.

After a long moment he shrugged, attempting an air of nonchalance. “Doesn’t matter now anyway.
I’ll be off in a few weeks and that’ll be the end of it.”

“You don’t mean that.”

Regulus turned to look at James, a stony expression falling across his face. “I do,” he said simply.
James was about to retort, to try to continue to convince Regulus that his brother did care about
him when Regulus sat up abruptly. He stood up and brushed off his trousers. “Goodnight James.”
With that, Regulus made off towards the house, leaving James lying prone on the grass.
 Chapter 4

James

The next morning James was greeted by much the same sight as he had been the day before. His
parents, Sirius, and Remus sat comfortably around the kitchen table. James couldn’t remember the
last time Remus hadn’t joined them for breakfast before heading off for the day. James had
suggested Remus move into the manor on several occasions, but Remus had refused. He hadn’t
wanted to leave his father alone at the cottage. James suspected that the large manor house was a
bit too flashy for Remus. He never said it, but Remus would often balk at some of the Potter’s
more aristocratic traditions, the display of wealth somewhat distasteful to him.

James understood it to an extent, when he went away to school most of the other boys were pretty
derisive when they talked about the working classes. It had been his firm friendship with Remus
that ensured James felt disgusted with their sentiments, rather than agreeing. He still felt guilty,
however. Afterall, he was still living in the largest house in the county, sitting on a large
inheritance, while his best friend worked his land and lived in a tiny cottage with his alcoholic
father.

“Morning,” he said to the group as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a couple of sausages
from the stovetop, a heaping of eggs and a couple slices of toast.

“What are you up to today, Remus?” he heard his father ask.

“Thought I’d make a start clearing some of those old fields beyond Sable Woods.” Remus replied.

“What for?” James asked. Those fields had been long left to fallow and were scattered with old
tractors and farm equipment that they hadn’t yet gotten rid of. Their estate was a fairly large
working farm, but it certainly didn’t have the need or manpower to turn all the property into
farmland.

“We’ll be needing it soon enough.” Remus said.

“No, we have plenty of productive fields, our turnover is already pretty strong,” James retorted.

When James looked up at Remus, he had a crease in the centre of his forehead, and he looked
worryingly sombre. “Not sure that’ll be good enough soon.” He said after a moment. “If things get
worse on the continent, well, Britain could be cut off. We’ll need to be prepared. I’m going to
make a start clearing them out. Just so we’re ready.”

James slowly stopped chewing as he finally understood Remus’ words.

“It won’t come to all that surely?”

Remus shrugged and looked down to his plate, a bleak expression etched into his face. James
looked at his parents for reassurance, but both were avoiding eye contact, also grim faced.

“There’s um, well there’s been sightings of troops at the border.” Remus continued after a moment.
“Of Poland.”

James’ heart skipped and his breath faltered at Remus’ words. Remus finally raised his eyes to look
at James with a knowing stare. The entire table fell into silence as the words landed. Remus’
mother had been Polish. James internally cursed himself for how flippantly he had been talking
about the whole thing, as if they would be the only people affected if Germany invaded.

Hope, Remus’ mother, had moved to Britain with her parents when she was a child, James knew
that Remus didn’t really know any of his family that remained in Poland. But that probably didn’t
make it much easier on him. The reminder of his mother also probably stung; she had died in a
tragic housefire when Remus was five years old. Remus had been stuck in the burning building and
had been saved by his father. His mother, on the other hand, had not. Lyall took that failure
heavily, and James and Remus would often find him passed out in Remus’ living room or they
would have to go to the pub to bring him home after a long day of drinking. He had never quite
recovered from the loss of Hope. Remus too, barely spoke about his mother. The pain still too fresh
even after nearly fifteen years. Remus’ yearly trek into Bath to the nearest synagogue on her
birthday was the only quiet memorial he made to her.

The sombre silence that had fallen across the table was broken by the sound of footsteps heading
down the stairs towards them. Regulus appeared a moment later and the entire table turned to look
at him.

“Good morning.” He said politely, pointedly not looking at Sirius or James.

“I’ll help you.” James heard Sirius say quietly to Remus. Remus nodded and threw Sirius a tight
smile.

“What are you up to today, Regulus?” Effie asked, a forced joviality in her tone.

“I’m spending the day with Lily.”

“You’re what?!” James squawked, turning in his chair to face Regulus. Regulus finally looked at
him and shrugged.

“Spending the day with Lily.”

“Doing what?!” James asked again, unable to dampen his incredulous tone.

“Not sure, said I’d help at the tailors for something to do.”

“When did you make this plan?”

“The other night. What’s with the third degree?” Regulus asked, his tone becoming irate.

“I think its lovely, she’s such a nice girl. I have been meaning to take my winter coat in. Maybe you
could bring it with you?” Effie said.

Regulus nodded with the annoyingly sweet smile he had seem to have perfected to convince James’
parents that he was nothing more than an innocent cherub and not the menace James knew him to
be. James huffed and turned back to the table, he thought about joining Sirius and Remus, but
something about the quiet way Sirius had offered his help left James feeling like he was slightly
unwelcome. He decided he would cycle into town and pester Marlene into spending the day with
him instead.

After lounging about the house for most of the morning James finally gathered the energy to cycle
into the village after lunch. He threw his bike down on the green and strolled over to the small
doctor’s office in which he knew Marlene would be. She was training to be a nurse and spent most
mornings there. He hoped that today was one of the days she had the afternoon off. He walked up
to the window and peered in, placing his hands around his eyes so that he could see into the glass
better. Marlene looked up from the small desk she was sitting at and saw him at the window. She
waved at him, gesturing for him to wait there for her.

James hopped up on a small wall opposite the office and waited for Marlene to come out and meet
him. He lit a cigarette and looked across the village green to where he knew the Evans’s tailors
was tucked down a small street. He frowned as he wondered what Regulus and Lily could be
getting up to.

“Alright Potter,” Marlene’s voice rang out as she jogged over to him. She hopped up on the wall
beside him and reached into his pocket to retrieve his pack of cigarettes.

“Careful, if Tommy sees you smoking, he’ll wring my neck for being a bad influence.” James said.

“He already thinks you’re a bad influence.” Marlene huffed slightly, “he thinks we’re shagging you
know. Told me it was his ‘brotherly duty’ to ensure I got a ring before I got knocked up.”

James eyes widened and jolted his head to the side to look at Marlene. She met his eye and they
both broke out into laughter.

“Bloody hell, well thanks for the warning,” James said. He thought of Marlene’s bulky older
brother Tommy and made a silent plan to avoid him. He didn’t much fancy getting on the wrong
side of him, Tommy was always looking for an opportunity to use his fists. “Want to throw a ball
around?” He asked after a moment.

“Can’t.” Marlene sighed. “I’m at the surgery until six today. What about Sirius? I thought you’d be
inseparable now he’s back.”

James sighed. “Yeah, me too, he’s off helping Remus though. Seems to have picked up a new
passion for farm work.”

“What about his brother?”

“Regulus? No, he’s fucked off too. Actually,” James swung a leg over the wall he was sitting on so
that he was facing Marlene properly. “What’s going on with him and Lily? She must have said
something to you.”

“Regulus and Lily?” Marlene asked, a bit perplexed, her brows creased at the question. “Nothing I
don’t think. She was telling him about her bitch of a sister the other night. Maybe they just bonded
over their shitty families.”

“Hmm,” James considered it, staring back across the green.

“Oh James.” Marlene said softly. “I think it’s about time you cast your sights elsewhere.”

James flicked his eyes back to his friend’s face. “Oh no, its not about that, well not really. Honest.”
He added at her unconvinced expression. “Well how about you Marls? Your brother already thinks
we’re shagging so why not eh?” He waggled his eyebrows at her and grinned.

“Urgh!” Marlene exclaimed but broke into a hearty laughter as James wrapped his arms around her
and playfully pursed his lips as if attempting to kiss her. Marlene shrieked and twisted her way out
of James’ grasp. “In your dreams!” she laughed.

“Oi! Potter!” Tommy’s loud voice boomed from across the road, where Marlene’s brother had
appeared in the doorway of the pub. “Get your poncy hands off my sister!”
“Oh shit,” James said quickly. “Best be off.” He jumped down from the wall, kissed Marlene on
the cheek and then threw his middle finger up to Tommy before sprinting away up the road. He
could hear Tommy’s enraged shouts as well as Marlene laughing heartedly. James chuckled as he
sprinted away, around the green and across the cobblestone streets of the small village. He hadn’t
been paying much attention to where he was running until he almost collided with Lily. She was
walking out of the small tailors, Regulus following shortly behind.

“Blimey, where’s the fire?” Lily said as James came to a stop.

“Sorry Lils, was running away from Tommy.”

“What have you done to upset him?” Lily laughed.

“Shagged Marlene.” James said, a bit breathless from his exertion. He really needed to start
running again, his fitness had plummeted since leaving school, he realised. He looked up to see
Lily and Regulus looking at him with similar expressions of surprise. “He thinks I shagged
Marlene.”

“Oh,” Lily laughed. “I thought that seemed a bit unlikely.”

“I could pull Marlene if I wanted,” James said, a little offended that the idea seemed so ridiculous.
Lily huffed an unconvinced laugh.

“You’re clueless James,” she said, patting him on the shoulder. James frowned, not sure how he
had ended up in this situation.

“What are you two doing anyway?” He asked, peering over Lily’s shoulder to watch Regulus who
was looking at him with an unimpressed glare.

“Oh, I was just showing Regulus the shop. We were just heading over to yours actually, for a
swim.”

“Oh yeah?” James said.

“Effie said I could use the swimming lake.” Regulus said a little defensively.

“Yes, yes of course you can!” James said quickly. “That sounds great actually, mind if I come?”
James could see Regulus’ dramatic roll of his eyes as Lily agreed.

“How did those two get so chummy?” James asked, looking over to where Regulus and Lily were
splashing each other in the pond.

“Hmm?” Sirius replied distractedly. He was lying beside James looking across the field towards
Remus. Remus’ loose shirt was sticking to his skin, and he had his shirt sleeves rolled up to the
elbows. He brushed a hand over his forehead to wipe the sweat as he took a break from digging up
the flowerbeds.

Sirius had spent the morning clearing the fields with Remus and had trudged up to the house in
time for James to convince him to join him at the small swimming pond. Remus had declined, he
had to work on the borders, he had insisted, in response to James and Sirius’ disappointed faces.

“Your brother and Lily,” James continued. “Look at them.”

Sirius finally turned his head towards where James was staring. Regulus was swimming on his
back chatting to Lily who was perched on the small wooden pier that jutted out into the water.
Their words couldn’t be heard from where Sirius and James were lounged on the other side of the
pond, but they appeared to be having a great time. Lily’s melodic laughter and Regulus’ deep
chuckle carried over well enough. Lily began splashing Regulus with her legs and Regulus yelled
humorously, splashing her right back.

“Oh, I dunno. He said he was going to help her at the tailors,” Sirius replied, immediately returning
his gaze to Remus.

“Yes, I know that, but you don’t think… you know.”

“Hmm?”

“I mean do you think anything’s going on between them.”

Sirius finally turned to look at James, his eyebrow raised.

“Between my brother and Lily?” He looked back over at them, considering the question. “Nah, I
don’t think so. Besides she has far too much common sense. Hence why she’s never shagged you.”

James shot Sirius an unimpressed look. Sirius lay his head on his arms, appearing to better position
himself to nap, but James could see how his head was now perfectly angled to continue to watch
Remus who had resumed his digging.

James frowned and looked back at Regulus and Lily. He didn’t know what the feeling bubbling up
in him was. Jealousy maybe? But Sirius was probably right, he couldn’t see anything between
them, it didn’t look like Regulus was interested in Lily in that way.

James’ eyes flickered over Lily’s figure as she sat on the pier. He shifted uncomfortably as he
darted his eyes quickly away, attempting to behave like a gentleman. He couldn’t help it when his
eyes once again drifted up to take in her long red hair, damp and sticking to her pale skin. Her wide
thighs pushed against the pier and her swimsuit pulled against the soft curve of her stomach. James
cleared his throat and looked down at his hands again, determined that he would not look again. He
liked Lily, yes, but that was no excuse for staring.

As the laughing and splashing continued, he felt himself get slightly irritated. He eventually looked
up from the grass to see Regulus pull himself up onto the pier next to Lily. As he pushed his body
out of the water, James noticed the water wash off the planes of his pale skin, his surprisingly
muscular back clenched as his small, lithe waist appeared from the water. James felt himself get
hot again. Regulus and Lily were now deep in conversation as James’ eyes flickered between the
two sitting beside each other on the pier.

“Alright I’m headed in.” Sirius said, startling James out of his thoughts. James looked over and saw
that Remus had apparently finished his work and was no longer in the garden. Sirius got up and
picked up his towel. “You coming?”

James felt his cheeks warm as he shifted subtly on his front. “Um yeah, in a bit. I’ll probably stay
here a while longer.”

“Suit yourself.” Sirius replied, mercifully not pressing for more answers.

James buried his head in his arms, humiliated at his predicament. As he shifted his body, he
unintentionally put pressure on his groin, and he groaned quietly.

“Jesus Christ.” James muttered under his breath. When he saw Sirius disappear into the house he
slowly stood up, shifting his body so it was faced away from Regulus and Lily, and quickly tried to
gather up his towel.

“James, come join us!” Lily shouted from across the pond.

“Um, I think I’m going to head inside,” he shouted back. He didn’t turn back to look as he sped
towards the house, his towel clutched in front of him.

He ran into the bathroom next to his bedroom and willed his heart to stop beating so fast. He
turned on the shower to its coldest and stood under the freezing water for as long as he could bare
it. He eventually turned the hot water on and spent a long time standing under the steady stream.
Once he had finally calmed down somewhat, he shut off the water and stepped out of the bathtub.

James wrapped a towel around himself and opened the bathroom door to find Regulus waiting on
the other side, leaning against the wall. He was still in his swim shorts, a towel flung around his
neck. James froze in the doorway, suddenly very self-conscious about his state of undress.

“Oh, hi Regulus,” he said. “Lily left?”

Regulus didn’t say anything but nodded his head in acknowledgement. He moved towards the door
to push past James but paused as he entered the doorway. James stood transfixed as Regulus stood
close to him, his eyes scanning James’ bare chest. After a few long moments, Regulus looked up
slightly to meet James’ eye, a mischievous glint in his expression. James’ heart was hammering in
his chest, and he couldn’t understand why. James pressed his back against the doorframe as
Regulus moved past him, his eyes dropped down James’ torso again, a smirk spread from the
corner of his mouth, and he bit his lower lip.

James gulped and pushed himself through the doorway, he walked quickly to his room and shut the
door behind him without looking back. He leaned heavily against the door, his head falling to rest
on the smooth wood. James’ heart was beating rapidly, and he could feel prickles across his chest
where Regulus’ eyes had landed on him. He wiped a hand across his face and groaned, what was
happening to him? How had Sirius’ brother turned up two days ago and managed to get under his
skin so quickly?

Dinner was a quiet affair. Remus didn’t join them and neither did his father, who was holed up in
his office on the telephone with an old colleague that worked for the government. Sirius was oddly
subdued, and Effie was speaking quietly with Bertie on the other end of the long dining table.
Every time James looked up from his boiled cabbage, Regulus was looking at him with a dark
expression. James’ neck felt hot, and he felt strangely guilty. For what, he wasn’t sure. He downed
his glass of wine, quickly pouring another, and picked at his dinner. He shifted in his seat
uncomfortably, knowing that if he looked up it would be to that same intense gaze. When he was
done eating, he sprang up from the table and ran to his room.

“You okay Prongs?” Sirius said a while later, walking into his room without knocking. James was
laid spreadeagle on his bed.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he replied. Sirius flopped down next to him.

“You ran away pretty quick from dinner,” Sirius said.

“Just felt a bit ill,” James lied. “I’m okay now.” Sirius nodded, seeming to accept the lie. “How did
you get on with the fields?” James asked.

“Yeah, it was good, cleared away a decent amount.”

“You’re really getting a passion for the farming life,” James laughed, turning his head to face his
friend with a grin. Sirius’ face flushed pink.

“I suppose so. It’s good for you, the fresh air and all that.” Sirius said.

“God you’re even starting to sound like Remus now,” James teased. Sirius’ flush deepened and
James wondered what was going on with him, he had a nervous energy that James couldn’t recall
Sirius ever having before. “Have you talked to Regulus yet?”

Sirius frowned. “No,” he said shortly. “I will. But I’m pissed, I know what he’s going to do. He’s
going to give me the silent treatment until I give in and apologise to him. And for what? He’s an
ungrateful prat.”

James nodded. “Well, I might not lead with that.”

Sirius huffed a laugh. “Yeah. Probably not. I’m off anyway, night James.” Sirius sat up and
brought his fist down into James’ crotch. James heaved and curled up on his side, clutching his
groin.

“What the fuck Sirius?!” he rasped out. Sirius just cackled as he strolled out the door, leaving it
wide open behind him. James often missed the days he had been an only child.

“You’re stealing my hobby” Regulus’ voice carried from somewhere behind James. He was laid
out on the lawn looking up at the stars. He hadn’t been able to sleep and thought it would be safe
enough to get a bit of fresh air without being bothered. Clearly, he had been wrong. Regulus lay
down beside James on the short grass.

“Need any help today?” Regulus asked. “That big shiny one there, that’s called the moon.”

“Mmm, very funny.” James said. He was in a bad mood, and he didn’t know why. Regulus’
presence at the house had gotten under his skin and even now he could feel a prickle on his arm
where it lay next to Regulus. He breathed deeply and stared up into the night sky, not willing
himself to turn his head to look at Regulus.

He didn’t need to, however, as the Milky Way above him was suddenly blocked out by the
presence of Regulus’ face looming over him.

James looked up into Regulus’ large grey eyes and blinked, he couldn’t bring himself to look away.
Regulus’ thick dark lashes fell over his heavily lidded eyes, and he was staring at James with a
potent intensity. James swallowed to ease the sudden dryness in his throat. Regulus’ eyes were
locked on James’ lips. In one swift movement Regulus pushed down and kissed James. James
gasped as he felt the soft touch of Regulus’ lips pressing gently against his own. His body jolted in
shock and his leg flung out entirely unconsciously, kicking Regulus in the shin.

“What the fuck?!” Regulus exclaimed. He pulled back and rubbed the sore spot on his shin.

“Me what the fuck?!” James said incredulously, his chest heaving. “You just kissed me!”

“Yes I did,” Regulus turned to look at James, a confused look in his eye.

“Why?” James asked

“Why?” Regulus said disbelievingly. “I don’t know, maybe because you’re extremely sexy and
have been looking at me like you want to eat me since I arrived.”
“I have not!” James’ pitch rose to a girlish shriek. Regulus just raised an eyebrow to him. James sat
up and rubbed the back of his neck, his heart was thumping in his chest, and he felt out of breath.

“Well… sorry then. I must have got the wrong end of the stick.” Regulus said, shrugging.

“Mmm” James agreed. They sat there a moment longer and James peeked at Regulus’ profile out
of the corner of his eye. His long curls were falling across his face and his mouth was downturned
in a small frown. Regulus turned to look at James and opened his mouth as if to say something.
James launched himself forward and pressed his mouth to Regulus’. Regulus caught on quickly
and responded immediately to the kiss, bringing his hands up to run through James’ hair. James felt
Regulus’s tongue push against his mouth, and he opened his lips slightly to allow access. James’
stomach swirled with a shocking and not entirely unpleasant feeling as Regulus leaned further into
the kiss. James felt a sudden pressure on his crotch that sent a jolt of pleasure through his body. He
quickly realised it was Regulus’ hand that was pressing firmly against him, and he pushed Regulus
away from himself in shock.

“What are you doing?!” he said.

“I mean, I was planning on getting you off.” Regulus replied. “It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

“You were going to-“ James spluttered in disbelief. His head was swirling, and he had never felt so
aroused in his life. He furrowed his brow in confusion and tried to will his brain to understand what
was happening, Sirius’ face flashed into his mind in the next moment. “No.” he said eventually.
“We can’t do this, its crazy. You’re Sirius’ brother for fucks sake.”

“It’s okay James, I clearly got it wrong. No harm done yeah?” Regulus replied.

James nodded but couldn’t help the slight feeling of bereavement at Regulus’ easy acceptance.
James looked up at Regulus’ pink lips, they were slightly swollen from the heated kiss. The
moonlight shone against his pale skin and James took a moment to take in how ethereal Regulus
looked. In a sudden movement James pushed himself forwards again, unable to stop himself, and
kissed Regulus harshly. He jolted his body away almost as quickly.

“James, you’re really giving me mixed signals here. My dick doesn’t know if its coming or going.”
Regulus said.

James huffed a small laugh.

“Yeah. Yeah sorry, I don’t know. This is a bad idea.” James said, his eyes steadfastly focused on
Regulus lips. “Sirius and… and yeah it’s a bad idea.” He trailed off as he stared at Regulus.
Regulus had a slight smile on his face as he listened to James’ fumbling words. James cleared his
throat and stood up abruptly. He brushed down his trousers and straightened up. “Goodnight,
Regulus.” He said with a formal nod.

“Goodnight James,” Regulus said with a smirk.

“Yes. Goodnight.” James nodded again. He turned to move towards the house and began walking
briskly.

“If you change your mind, you know where I am.”

“What-“ James twisted himself around so rapidly he tripped over his own foot. He looked up to see
Regulus biting the inside of his cheek in an attempt not to laugh. “Yes. Um… okay. Goodbye.”
James said and began walking to the house so quickly he almost broke out into a run.
Once he was inside, he ran up the stairs and into his bedroom. He had only just closed his door
when he shoved a hand unceremoniously down his trousers and began stroking. He leaned against
his forearm and closed his eyes tightly as he brought himself to a quick release, gasping quietly in
the dark room. He stayed leant against the door for a few moments longer, willing his heart to slow
down. He grimaced at his messy hand and groaned as he came to the undeniable and unfathomable
conclusion that he did, in fact, fancy Regulus Black.
 Chapter 5
Chapter Notes

CW: Depictions of abusive and violent parents

Regulus

Regulus resented the fact that he was still being treated like a child. His brother had dragged him
onto the train at Waterloo and his uncle had waved at him with a somewhat apologetic look in his
eye as he was sent off to the back end of nowhere. He was eighteen and he did not need to be
babysat by Sirius of all people. He knew moving in with his uncle was a bad idea, while it afforded
him the luxury of a certain level of freedom, and he didn’t exactly have much choice in the matter
with his limited funds, it also meant he had a pair of watchful eyes constantly assessing his every
move.

He had been put in this position by his sadistic parents after he told them to go fuck themselves.
They had seemingly organised a wedding for him that only became apparent when he stumbled
into the Black’s London residence one Sunday morning, bruises on his neck and stinking of
alcohol. His mother had screeched at him to pull himself together, and that the Malfoys were
waiting for him in the drawing room. He had stumbled in, bowed theatrically and proceeded to
inform the sullen faces that he would not, in fact, be marrying their daughter because as it
happened, she had rather too little cock for his liking. His mother’s icy glare was only matched by
his father’s thunderous expression as he sauntered out of the room. Later, once he had awoken
from his alcohol and drug-induced sleep he was met by the towering figure of his mother who told
him he would take it back, apologise to the Malfoys, and marry Druella like a good heir.

“No.” Regulus had said, clearly and unwaveringly. Walburga slapped him across the face. Regulus
had become used to the violence that came so easily to his parents and so he barely flinched.

“You will get these silly ideas out of your head, and you will marry her.” Walburga had said again.

“No.” A full sentence, and one Regulus was not going to budge on.

“You will, or you will be out of this family. I will not have another one of my sons drag our family
name through the mud.”

“Make me,” Regulus had replied simply. Walburga’s strike was stronger this time, the back hand
stung as her jewelled rings cut across his cheek. Regulus inhaled deeply and stood, finally prepared
to do what he hadn’t had the courage to for so many years. “Goodbye mother,” he said simply,
resisting the urge to spit in her face. He picked up the few possessions he cared about and shoved
them into a small carpetbag as Walburga snorted derisively at the doorway, arms crossed.

“You don’t have the stomach to leave. You always were so much more pathetic than your brother.
You’ll last a day without our money.”

Regulus didn’t say anything but cast his equally icy glare on his mother as he pushed past her. He
stomped down the stairs of the house and made his way to the front door.
“Regulus,” he heard his father’s voice from the drawing room. Regulus stopped, his chest heaving,
eyes fixed on the front door. “Come here.”

Regulus exhaled deeply and dropped his bag, he walked into the drawing room, even now he was
unable to defy a direct order from his father.

“You’re not going anywhere.”

“Yes I am.”

“You need to learn that you have responsibilities Regulus. You cannot keep behaving this way.”

Regulus frowned as he stared at his father’s intimidating presence, He was stood by the fireplace,
arm resting on it as if posing for a portrait.

“I thought you would have grown up a bit at that new school,” his father continued. “You are
going to marry Druella Malfoy, and you are going to bed her and have children. What you do
outside of that will be kept discreet. Do you think you’re the only member of the Black family to
have alternative proclivities.”

“Why? Have you been sucking many cocks behind mother’s back?” Regulus retorted. Orion turned
his thunderous gaze onto Regulus with a fury in it that made him tremble, even now.

“How dare you speak to me like that. You’re an insolent, ungrateful brat.” Orion roared.

“Well you don’t need to worry about me anymore,” Regulus said and turned to move to the door.
Orion grabbed his son by the lapel and brought his hand down in a wide sweep across Regulus’
face. Regulus stood stock still for a moment, shocked at his father’s behaviour. It wasn’t Orion’s
style to strike him, usually he left that dirty work to his mother. Regulus looked at his father with
narrowed, watery eyes as he finally understood that his parent’s level of cruelty truly knew no
bounds. He was going to leave this time and never look back. He straightened his shoulders and
brought himself to his full height, realising for the first time that he was now taller than his father.
Orion’s hateful gaze remained unchanged as Regulus turned his back, picked up his bag and
walked out of the front door.

Regulus had spent the next week bouncing between his friends flats across London before he
reluctantly realised that he was broke and needed to find a more permanent solution. At least until
he could find work and start making some money for himself. He had turned down the offer of a
place to stay from Edward Roth, one of the men whose beds he often found himself in after a hard
evening of drinking. Edward was a fellow socialite, a few years older than him and already
married. He had proposed that Regulus stay in his London apartments where he would spend his
weekdays. Regulus considered the proposal, but being someone’s house pet, waiting for them to
leave and go home to their wife and young baby every weekend left him feeling a bit cheap. He
was easy, not cheap, he had decided. He turned down Edwards’s proposal and was glad he had
when he had turned mean, calling him nothing but a destitute whore.

That’s how he had ended up on his uncle’s doorstep. His uncle Alphard had long since cut ties with
his family due to his more bohemian lifestyle. While he was currently in London, he spent most of
his time in France, pottering around the decaying streets of Montmartre. Regulus had enjoyed his
time with his uncle, who had a particular affinity for poetry that Regulus couldn’t find within his
own family. They would spend the evenings that Regulus was not out at some jazz club in Soho,
drinking French wine and discussing Keats and Dickenson. It had become as a particularly harsh
betrayal when Sirius had turned up at their door at Alphard’s beckoning.
Regulus could admit that he did enjoy the more indulgent side of life, and yes, he wasn’t exactly
picky when it came to men he would go to bed with, but he had assumed that his uncle would
embrace his nephew’s carefree take on life. Instead, he had been shipped off to the back end of
nowhere with his estranged brother with little fanfare. His uncle promised him it was only for the
summer, and only because the country air and slower pace would do him some good. Regulus
didn’t agree, and he glared at his uncle’s retreating figure as the train pulled away from the station.
Regulus grieved as the tightly packed grey buildings made way to wide open green hills, small
cottages and fields of sheep. He had remained in stony silence for the entire trip despite his
brother’s incessant rabbiting about how glad he was that he had left, how his stupid friend would
welcome him in, and the joys of Godric fucking Hollow.

It was a stupid name for a stupid place and Regulus remained unimpressed even as he trudged up
the long driveway to the large manor house, encased with sweeping willow trees and a large
climbing hydrangea. The first moment of doubt came when the front door was flung open, and
Regulus caught his first sight of the tall, broad figure of James Potter. A goofy grin plastered across
his face as he nearly vibrated with excitement. Regulus assessed the man carefully, he remembered
him from school, always running around behaving foolishly with his brother. The last time he saw
him was when he was about fourteen. James was still rather gangly back then, and carried himself
with about as much grace as a new-born foal, excited to be alive and unaware of how long its limbs
were. He had clearly grown into himself over the past four years, even if his ridiculous hair
remained as wild as ever. His white shirt pulled against his muscular arms and Regulus couldn’t
help but notice the large thighs that stretched against his slacks.

It took Regulus about eight hours from arriving at the Potter mansion to decide that he was going
to seduce James. If he was going to be stuck there all there all summer, he may as well have some
fun, he reasoned. It was James’ flustered blush when Regulus compared him to David that had first
perked Regulus’ attention, but it was witnessing James’ heated kiss with Remus that solidified his
decision. No straight man kissed another man like that, and Regulus very much wanted to be on the
receiving end.

His plans for seduction were only slightly hampered by his rising annoyance at James’
unrelentingly upbeat demeanour. As they huffed their way up the tall hill on Regulus’ second day
in Godric’s Hollow, Regulus decided that he would under no circumstances entertain someone who
would expect so much physical activity from him. He didn’t care how attractive the man was, and
he certainly didn’t care about how the sweat made his shirt stick to the muscles of his back. And he
definitely felt nothing about the way James bared his throat as he swallowed gulps of lemonade,
leaving an icy drip on his lips.

One saving grace in Godric’s Hollow was Lily. Regulus immediately liked her. She endeared
herself instantly to him with her easy rejection of James. It wasn’t that he was glad to be rid of the
competition necessarily, he just couldn’t deny he got a certain pleasure from watching James’
cocky swagger be brought down a peg or two. However, it was once he started speaking to her that
he really began to like her, she seemed to be the only person in the place with an ounce of common
sense.

“You have to tell me all the best spots in London, I’m moving there,” she said determinedly as they
made their way out of the village hall on his first night there.

“You are?”

Lily nodded. “Yes, I mean my family’s tailors is all well and good, but I have my sights set a bit
higher. I’m going to become a dressmaker.”
Regulus was impressed, she seemed to be the first person who had ambition that lay outside of
country life.

“That’s great, I know the tailor at Liberty. I could introduce you.”

Lily’s pretty face lit up immediately, highlighting her bright green eyes and deep dimples.
“Absolutely, you simply must. And you can show me all the trendiest places to go dancing. I’ve
never actually been to London, can you believe?”

“Well, it’s certainly different,” Regulus said as he looked around the dark, sleepy village. “What
are you waiting for? Why not head off now?”

Lily frowned at the question. “My stupid family and my bitch of a sister.” She immediately flushed
and looked up, embarrassed at her own harsh words. Regulus burst out in laughter at her shocked
face. “I shouldn’t have said that.” She continued. “It sounds so awfully ungrateful.”

“I know all about shitty families, don’t worry.”

“Oh no, it’s not as bad as all that. Sirius told me about what brutes your parents were.” Lily said
softly. “No, they’re just a bit… well they want a certain life for me and it involves staying here,
working the shop, and pushing out babies.”

Regulus nodded, if anyone could understand the resentment from a parent’s expectations, it was
him. Suddenly Lily’s steadfast refusal of James’ constant propositions became clearer to him. What
was he offering except that exact life?

Regulus decided that if he was going to allow himself one indulgence in Godric’s Hollow, aside
from seducing James, it would be to allow himself to befriend Lily. So, he went to her tailors and
let her show him around, her cheeks flushing with excitement as she showed him the pencil skirt
she was nearly done perfecting. Regulus couldn’t help but to laugh along with her enthusiasm, her
passion was infectious. He had almost forgotten all about James and his stupid messy hair and his
ridiculous wire glasses that certainly did not frame his deep brown doe eyes, until Regulus caught
him looking at him at the swimming lake. The hungry look on James’ face was unmistakeable and
Regulus was absolutely positive that it had as much to do with him as it did Lily.

This was confirmed to Regulus after he saw James waddling off towards the house, poorly hiding
his state of arousal, and again when he met him in the doorway of the bathroom. Regulus hadn’t
necessarily intended to be waiting for him outside the door, but he heard the shower running and
thought what would be the harm in waiting for his own? As James opened the door and Regulus
stepped forward, he couldn’t help but drop his gaze across James’ defined torso, still damp from
the shower. Regulus could see his chest rising and falling slightly and the trail of hair that led
down towards his towel. For the first time since arriving, his plan to seduce James had morphed
from a fun diversion to a potent necessity. He was almost grateful for James running off towards
his bedroom before Regulus could make an entire fool of himself.

Regulus woke early the morning after he kissed James. He’d had a restless, frustrated night as he
recalled the rough intensity with which James had launched himself at him. His flustered red
cheeks and clumsy walk away were annoyingly endearing and Regulus was determined that he was
going to at least get another kiss. He wouldn’t make the first move this time, however. Regulus
knew that James was clearly going through some sort of crisis, and he was just going to have figure
that out on his own.

James’ state of mind became immediately clear when he walked into the kitchen for breakfast.
Regulus was sitting quietly with the Potters when James had stumbled through the doorway
crashing into a milk can, his face flushing pink.

“Sweetie! Are you alright?” Effie said, alarmed at the sudden noise.

“Oh… yes mum. Sorry missed my step.”

James cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair nervously. He walked quickly over to the
stovetop to get himself a heaping of porridge, pointedly not looking at Regulus. Regulus smirked as
he watched the jumpy blundering that had stripped James of his usual confident swagger. James
walked slowly over to the table and stared down into his porridge, not once lifting his eyes to meet
Regulus’s.

“Sirius dear, good morning,” Effie said as Sirius appeared for breakfast.

“Morning,” he said with bleary eyes. He looked like he hadn’t had much sleep either and Regulus
felt himself wonder why. He was a little shocked at his own level of concern for his brother.

“Now you’re both here I have a bit of news,” Effie continued. Regulus looked up quickly to Effie’s
worried face and he felt a pit of dread in his stomach. Her normally pleasant countenance had an
anxious edge to it, one that Regulus now realised her husband shared. He had been too preoccupied
with James to have noticed it earlier. But now they had his full attention. Sirius’ too by the looks of
it, as he walked over quickly, his lethargic movements quickly forgotten. James had also finally
looked up curiously at his mother’s words.

“You know we are having that dinner party tomorrow evening,” Effie started, Sirius and James
nodded. This was the first Regulus was hearing about it, but he didn’t think it worth mentioning.
“Well, it appears word has gotten to your parents.” Regulus’ heart sank. So, this was it, apparently
even in the far flung nowhere of the West of England, they were still able to catch up to him.

“No.” Sirius said firmly. “I don’t know what you’re about to say Effie, but the answer is no.”

“Yes, I know dear. They sent word this morning that they were in the area. I believe it to be a
coincidence just as much as you do Sirius,” she added at Sirius’ incredulous scoff. “They have
announced that they will be attending. Monty of course wrote back and told them that they were in
no way welcome or invited.”

Regulus flicked his eyes to Monty who had his brows furrowed. “Your parents are not easy people
to dissuade when they have their minds set,” he said.

“They can’t come here Monty. They’re just going to try and take Regulus away.” Sirius said, alarm
creeping into his voice.

“We will not let that happen,” Monty said. “This is Regulus’ home now and it will stay that way.”
Regulus couldn’t help the spread of warmth in his chest at Monty’s determined words. He had
barely known these people three days and they were already treating him like he was one of their
own. No wonder James turned out so infuriatingly cheerful with parents like this.

“But I want you both to be prepared,” Effie continued from her husband. “Because it looks highly
likely that they are going to turn up regardless. And honestly, I hope they do. We will put on a
show of solidarity and let them know that they will not intimidate us.” Sirius looked unconvinced.

“Effie’s right,” Regulus said. Sirius and James looked at him with surprise. “They’re not going to
give up, so we might as well just let them have their little show. They’re not exactly going to drag
me out of here in front of their high society friends are they. God forbid I should pollute the Black
family name any further by causing a scene.”

Sirius did not look entirely convinced by this argument but as his eyes flickered between Regulus
and the Potters, he seemed to realise he was outvoted. It couldn’t be easy for him, Regulus realised.
He hadn’t seen them for four years. Regulus at least had become somewhat immune to their abuse
over time, and so one evening of their phony decorum wasn’t too much for him to bare.

“Besides, I’m sure they will be careful with what they say. I doubt they want to provoke me any
further after I embarrassed them in front of the Malfoys,” Regulus said.

“You did? What did you say?” Sirius asked.

“Oh, I just informed them that I was more interested in sucking dick than marrying Lucius’s
sister.”

James spat out the tea he had just taken a sip of and proceeded to choke quite violently as Sirius
gawped at him with his mouth ajar.

“Um… morning,” Remus said, apparently having walked into the kitchen at just that moment.
James continued to splutter, hitting his chest with his fist as Regulus looked at Effie and Monty’s
faces. He figured it was best to get it over with, the story of why he had walked out was bound to
get out eventually and if they were going to kick him out over it, better sooner than later. Regulus
was surprised to see that their shocked faces didn’t betray a hint of disgust but simple surprise.

After a moment James had finally stopped choking and the kitchen fell quiet. Monty clenched his
mouth in an attempt not to laugh but promptly burst out a loud bark of laughter, quickly followed
by Effie. The pair descended into a fit of giggles, their faces turning a bright red. Monty wiped a
tear from his eye as he calmed himself down somewhat. He folded his paper and stood up; he
patted Regulus on the shoulder as he walked past.

“I knew I liked you Regulus,” he said. Regulus could hear him continue to chuckle as he made his
way out of the kitchen and through the house. Effie too had finally brought herself together, she
reached out a hand and held Regulus’ gently in hers in a soothingly maternal gesture as she turned
and looked at Sirius.

“I know it’s not going to be easy Sirius, but we all have each other. The sooner its done, the sooner
they can accept that neither of you will be returning.”

Sirius nodded at Effie, finally accepting her words. He was still gawping at Regulus as Remus led
him out of the kitchen to help on the farm for the day. “What?” Regulus mouthed at him as he was
pushed out the door.

He was left with Effie and James, whose face had turned a bright pink colour. From embarrassment
or nearly choking to death, Regulus wasn’t sure. He decided he didn’t have the urge to find out this
morning and so stood up quickly.

“I’m off to Lily’s,” he announced. He departed the kitchen quickly and grabbed Effie’s bike. He
cycled up the long lane towards the village as quickly as possible so not to be further questioned by
James.

Regulus spent the day with Lily, he regaled her with stories of debauchery while she filled him on
all the gossip from the village. As it turned out, the small village appeared to have its fair share of
drama. He watched as she took out a rather frumpy old frilly dress and turned into a curve hugging
masterpiece in the course of an afternoon, and he had to admit he was impressed.
“Are you excited for the dinner party tomorrow?” she asked him as she pinned a man’s suit on a
mannequin.

“Only heard about it this morning,” he replied from his perch on the countertop.

“Oh, the Potter’s have it every year. It’s more of a dance than a dinner party really, my family go
every year, so I’ll see you there.”

“My parents will be there too apparently.” Lily raised an eyebrow in surprise.

“The Potter’s invited them?” she asked.

“No, but that’s never stopped them before.” He sighed. “Now I just need to work out what I’m
going to do to cause maximum humiliation to them, and least embarrassment to the Potters.”

“Hmm,” Lily’s brows pinched in concentration as she thought. Regulus laughed at her immediate
concentration on the task, she didn’t for one moment hesitate to question whether causing a scene
would be a good idea. “Well, what would annoy them the most, something that only they would
find distasteful?” She asked.

Regulus shrugged, he couldn’t cause too much of scene, but he wasn’t about to let them disrespect
the Potter’s at their own party either. “It’s a black tie event, right?” Regulus asked. Lily nodded in
reply. Regulus eye scanned the tailors and landed on a sheath of black material, embellished with
glittering black sequins. “I have an idea,” he said with a playful grin. Lily lit up, immediately on
board with whatever mischief he had in mind.

The next day Regulus found himself in his bedroom, nervously anticipating the arrival of his
parents. He could hear the gentle hubbub of people downstairs, as well as the quiet melody of the
string quartet in the ball room. The dinner party, as it turned out, had turned out to be a much larger
affair than he had anticipated. It was closer to one of the formal balls he had been used to in
London.

He had only encountered James a few times over the course of the day, each time James had
bumbled his words and grown red with embarrassment. Regulus was too distracted to think much
of it, he was currently focused on one thing and one thing only, showing his parents exactly where
they could shove their unwanted attention.

He appraised himself in the mirror, his black suit trousers hugged him perfectly thanks to Lily, and
were far too tight to be considered appropriate for the event. His expensive black shirt was
buttoned to his collar. The jacket was something of a masterpiece, Lily had immediately embraced
the project. She had taken scissors to his plain black jacket and cut the lower section off, so it hung
just above his waist. The sequins she had sewn on sparkled in the dim light of his bedroom. It was
certainly unorthodox, and would absolutely be too flashy for his parents, but he couldn’t help but
feel like something was missing. He heard a gentle knock at his door.

“Come in,” he called out. Lily poked her head through his door and looked him up and down. She
whistled quietly as she entered his room.

“Very nice,” she said.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit… I don’t know tame?” he said.

Lily bit her lip as she considered it, she looked him up and down, her arms crossed. “I suppose so.
They probably aren’t about to disown you over a well-tailored suit,” she said. Regulus huffed a
laugh and ran his hand through his dark curls.

“Take your shirt off," Lily said suddenly. Regulus looked up to see a dangerous twinkle in Lily’s
eye. A trait that he was quickly beginning to love about her.

“That’s it!” Lily said as she wrapped a long silver chain around Regulus’ neck. The cold pendant
landed on his bare chest and Regulus couldn’t help but grin as he took in his appearance in the
mirror. It would certainly raise some eyebrows, and he hoped Monty and Effie weren’t easily
scandalised.

“You’re a genius Lily,” he said brightly. Lily broke out in a wide grin as she took in her
handywork.

“Your parents are already downstairs. Wait a few minutes before coming down, I want to make
sure I’m there for their reactions.” She said as hurried her way to the door.

Regulus waited for a few moments, took a deep breath, and then walked out of his bedroom and
down the large stairs of the Potter mansion. He received a few high eyebrows from revellers who
were milling around the entrance hall, but he didn’t pay them much mind. He strolled confidently
past them, through the large open doors of the ball room and lifted a glass of champagne from a
passing waiter. He paused for a moment to take a sip before looking up.

He had gotten exactly the reaction he had hoped for, his parents were stood, straight backed and
aristocratic in the middle of the room. They were surrounded by England’s richest and finest,
people they were always desperate to impress, and they wore thunderous expressions. Regulus met
his mother’s icy glare and smirked. His father looked him up and down, his face etched with
disgust. Regulus threw back the remainder of his champagne and strolled over to Lily who was
giggling into her hand along with Mary on the other side of the room.

The room began mummering with conversation once more and Regulus grinned at Lily. He turned
to look at his parents but caught sight of James standing just behind them. He was staring at
Regulus with a hungry intensity that made Regulus’ stomach swoop abruptly. James’ eyes scanned
his body and lingered on his exposed torso, he didn’t even try hide his ravenous gaze. Regulus
could feel his rapidly beating heartbeat as he stared back. He had almost forgotten about James in
all the drama with his parents, but he would not soon forget the lustful look he was receiving from
the other side of the hall.

“Well done,” Sirius’s voice startled Regulus as his brother appeared next to him. “They looked like
they were going to faint when you walked in.”

Regulus shrugged. “Shall we get this over with?” Sirius nodded and swiped a hand through his
long dark hair. The two men approached their parents and nodded curtly to the people standing
with them. The entire group was still gawking at Regulus with shock and Regulus couldn’t care
less about it. The reaction from James had ensured that whatever his parents could say to him was
well worth it.

“Making a show of yourself as usual,” his mother said, finally breaking the awkward silence. The
couple standing with his parents made their excuses and quickly left them alone in the centre of the
room.

“What are you doing here mother? You weren’t invited,” Regulus said.

“Regulus, enough of this nonsense. We’ve let you have your fun and now it’s time to come with us.
We will leave tonight.”

“No.” Regulus replied.

“Speak properly to your mother,” Orion said gruffly.

“No, mother,” Regulus said. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”

“Yes, you are, now go pack your things. These provincial parties are so dreary, we will get on our
way.” Walburga said firmly.

Regulus didn’t reply but returned his mother’s icy glare.

“Are you not even going to look at me?” Sirius said. Walburga’s eyes didn’t move from Regulus,
but her posture straightened at Sirius’ words. “I’m your son, hello nice to meet you. You might not
recognise me as you haven’t seen me for four fucking years.”

“Sirius enough,” Orion said, finally lifting his eyes to look at his son. “It’s language like that that
makes it clear you are still not prepared to be part of this family.”

“Oh, swearing is undignified is it? But beating your children is not,” Sirius bit out.

“Sirius! Lower your volume,” Walburga hissed. She stepped forward and looked at Regulus.
“We’re moving to the States. We are leaving in three days, and you will be on that boat with us.”

“America?” Regulus said, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice. “Why the fuck are you
moving there?”

Walburga closed her eyes at the harsh language and took a deep breath. “Because we’re not about
to wait around here to be blown to pieces. And we’re certainly not going to let you be drafted into
some absurd fight that doesn’t concern us.”

“But you’d be fine with me being blown to pieces I suppose?” Sirius said curtly.

“No. I’m not coming with you, and I think it’s about time you left.” Regulus said.

Walburga stepped forward and grabbed Regulus by the wrist, her fingers dug into his skin like
talons. “You can make a show of yourself all you want, you can embarrass your father and me and
whore yourself out if that’s what pleases you, but you will be on that boat you little brat,” she
hissed.

“Walburga, I think you’ve outstayed your welcome,” Monty’s voice came from behind Regulus.
Regulus could feel the comforting weight of his hand on his shoulder. “Please leave.”

Walburga looked up at Monty with her cold grimace and finally let go of Regulus’ wrist. “If you’re
not on that boat Regulus, consider yourself dead to us,” were her final words before she swept out
of the room, followed swiftly by her husband, who did not once look back at his sons.

“Imagine speaking to your own child like that!” Effie said, appalled. “Are you okay sweetie?”
Regulus nodded and looked at his brother. Sirius’ face was drawn and stoic, he flickered his eyes
towards Regulus and nodded subtly.

“Going for a fag,” Sirius said quickly, and he walked briskly out of the room.

“At least that’s over with now. And I have to say, you’ve made quite the impression with that
outfit. You’ll have to let me borrow it,” Monty said with a wink. Regulus couldn’t help but laugh
as he felt an overwhelming wash of affection for Monty and Effie. He made the decision in that
moment, that no matter how much the country life bored him, he would think of way to repay the
Potters for their kindness before he left.
 Chapter 6
Chapter Notes

CW: Brief sexual content at the end of the chapter.

There is also brief body shaming from Petunia towards Lily.

Regulus

Regulus felt untethered once his parents left. It was as if he had just been swept up in a large wave
and deposited unceremoniously onto a sandy beach, half-drowned and grateful for every gasp of
air. He steadied himself with a deep breath and tried to accept that it was finally done, his parents
were gone from his life. His eyes flitted around the room, trying to find a point of focus among the
throngs of people, bright light, and loud music. He spotted Lily’s friendly face in the crowd
standing with Mary and he stumbled towards her.

“How did it go?” she asked.

“Fine. It’s over with now. They’re leaving for the US and that’s the end of it.”

Lily smiled but Regulus could see she was still concerned. The corners of her mouth were
downturned as she considered him for a moment. “Are you okay Regulus?” she asked softly.

Regulus nodded sharply, a wave of unexpected emotion rose in him at the question. He bit his lip
to prevent his jaw from trembling and he averted his gaze from Lily. He was embarrassed to realise
that his eyes were brimming with tears, and he struggled to understand why. He had just gotten
what he wanted; he was finally free. He cleared his throat gruffly and mumbled to Lily and Mary
that he needed some air. He walked quickly out the ball room, past the curious eyes of the other
guests, and out the wide patio doors of the manor.

He looked up at the night sky, finding his star quickly among the crowded cosmos, and filled his
lungs with the warm summer air. He should have been feeling nothing but relief, but there was
heavy grief embedding its way into his bones. He was parentless. He always had been, he
supposed. He blinked into the dark night and spotted his brother sitting on some small stone steps
leading away from the house towards the wide lawn. James was sat close beside him, his arm
around Sirius’ shoulder. Regulus felt that familiar swoop of loneliness as he took in his brothers’
bowed posture and James’ comforting embrace.

He was about to turn and slink back into the house, away from the private moment when James’
head turned slightly, and he spotted Regulus. His large brown eyes were wide with empathy, and he
twitched his head slightly, beckoning Regulus towards the pair. Regulus reluctantly stepped across
the stone terrace towards them. Sirius looked up with red rimmed eyes and sniffled quietly.

“They’re gone.” Regulus’ voice was pathetic, and he didn’t know what else there was to say. Sirius
nodded but didn’t reply. Regulus understood that his brother must be feeling his own personal form
of grief. Even through their vitriol, at least they had acknowledged him. Regulus could convince
himself that his parents must still hold at least kernel of emotion for him. But their parents had
never even attempted to get Sirius to come home, and he had only been a child when he left.
Remus’ tall figure approached quietly from the house. He was dressed formally in dress shirt and
slacks. His wavy, dark auburn hair was combed back and Regulus couldn’t help but notice how
well he cleaned up. Remus puffed a cigarette and took a tentative step towards the small group.

“Fancy a walk?” Remus asked Sirius in a soft voice. Sirius looked up at Remus and nodded gently.
He paused to give Regulus a tight smile before he followed Remus across the lawn and into the
dark. Regulus turned to see the drawn expression on James’ face as he watched his friends
departure.

“Not going with them?” his voice broke the quiet silence of the night. James pursed his mouth and
shook his head.

“No, I think they enjoy spending time together,” the slightly dejected tone of James’ voice caught
Regulus off guard and Regulus realised that James was feeling left out. The childlike sadness on
James’ face pulled at Regulus’ heart. Regulus took the moment to consider James’ figure, his
posture left him looking younger than his nineteen years with his arms wrapped around his knees,
staring steadfastly into the gloomy night. A shaft of light glinted off his glasses and highlighted the
amber in his dark eyes. His smooth, dark skin glimmered in the moonlight and Regulus felt a bit
breathless.

“You’re stuck with me then,” Regulus said. James huffed a laugh and met Regulus’ eye. James’
eyes crinkled at the edges when he smiled, and he always smiled easily. An awkward moment
passed, and Regulus shifted uneasily between his feet. James had quickly darted his eyes away and
was now pointedly avoiding eye contact.

“That’s some outfit,” James’ voice finally broke the silence. “Forget your shirt?”

Regulus chuckled. “Thought this would make more of an impact.”

James nodded slowly as he finally lifted his gaze to travel across Regulus’ body. Regulus subtly
shifted back, positioning himself in a way that he knew accentuated his lithe figure and allowed his
jacket to hang open. It had the intended effect. James’ eyes filled with that same greedy desire
Regulus had spotted in the ballroom.

“Do you like it?” Regulus said. James blinked and looked up at Regulus, a deep blush spreading
across his cheeks.

“Um yeah… very nice,” he mumbled. “Where did you get so many sequins in Godric’s Hollow?”

“Lily,” Regulus said. He immediately realised that this was the wrong thing to say as James’ mouth
clenched shut.

“Are you two shagging?” James said suddenly, surprising a shocked laugh out of Regulus.

“Lily?!” Regulus laughed but softened slightly when he realised that James wasn’t joking. “No
James, I thought I made it clear I didn’t lean that way.”

“Oh. You mean you don’t like girls at all?” James asked curiously.

“Only as friends. And Lily’s nice, I like her a lot. As a friend.” He accentuated this last point.
James’ brow was furrowed in a deep thought, and he looked troubled.

“Remus is the only other person I know that’s… well like that.” James muttered. Regulus didn’t
respond, unsure of the point James was trying to make. “And sure, he prefers men, but he likes
girls too. I thought that maybe…” He trailed of, still deep in contemplation.
“You thought what?” Regulus asked, curious now.

“Well I thought that everyone liked both to be honest, or I don’t know… I just never really
understood the difference.”

“There’s quite a big difference James.”

“Yes I know that, but it’s just a person right? I… I thought people just fancied who they fancied.”

“But you said Remus is the only queer person you know?”

“The only person who acts on it. And according to Remus it turns out there are a fair few in this
village who do too. Doesn’t everyone else just get on with the ‘proper’ thing?” James asked. “You
really only like boys?” there was a genuine curiosity in his voice. Regulus straightened up and felt
a pang of sympathy for James. He was clearly confused and coming to terms with a difficult
concept about himself. Regulus started to feel a bit guilty that he had been the one to prompt this
crisis for James. He could have picked another man from the village to have his fun with to pass
the time. Remus certainly wouldn’t have been a bad second choice. But no, he had decided to target
this sweet man and send him straight into a tailspin of doubt and uncertainty. Regulus sighed
heavily and dropped down next to James.

“People can like whoever they like, and no it doesn’t just have to be one or the other,” he said
gently, unsure of if it was the right thing to say. “But yes, I only fancy boys, I only kiss boys, and I
only sleep with boys.”

James’ eyes grew wide and he looked at Regulus. “I… well I don’t know about all that. I’m… I
just want to be with someone I love.” The earnestness in his face tugged at Regulus’ heart. For the
first time he had a slight understanding of why James was so steadfastly determined that he was in
love with Lily.

“You’re an old romantic James. Nothing wrong with that.” Regulus smiled as he produced a huff of
laughter from James.

“Don’t you want to fall in love?” James asked.

Regulus shrugged. “Not really.” James looked at him with such a tragic look of sorrow, as if that
was the worst thing a person could say. “I leave that sort of thing to the poets.” James pursed his
mouth, clearly not quite convinced but he didn’t press Regulus any further on the topic.

“We’re kind of talking around the subject here aren’t we,” James said after a moment.

“We are?”

“Yes. Around a certain event that happened on this very lawn,” James’ eyes flickered up and met
Regulus’. Regulus bit the inside of the cheek as he tried to contain his smile.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he teased. James chuckled lowly and let his gaze fall
down to Regulus’ lips briefly. Regulus inhaled sharply, the mood shifting on his shuddering breath.
He moved forward, imperceptibly slowly and leaned his head towards James’. His face was mere
inches away and he could feel the warm breath of the other man. He didn’t press any further
forward, resisting the thumping of his heart and racing blood in his veins, it was up to James to
close the distance.

“Regulus…” James breathed. “I… I can’t.”

“Because of Sirius?” Regulus asked quietly.

“That…” James paused as he seemed to hesitate, his eyes locked on Regulus’ lips. “That and… and
I don’t know what I’m feeling. And… and fuck, you’re so beautiful Reg.”

A shaft of light fell on the two men suddenly as someone opened a door behind them. The sounds
of melodic music and babbling crowds made their way over to where the two men were sitting
close together, caught in a close embrace. James pulled back first and glanced behind him; they
hadn’t been spotted but he stood up, nonetheless.

“I really like your suit,” he said before making his way back into the party.

The tension between James and Regulus seemed to have eased following their conversation. At
least James no longer tripped over air every time he bumped into Regulus in the corridors of the
Potter mansion. Over the next few days Regulus settled into something of a routine. In the
mornings he would cycle to the village and spend the morning with Lily at the tailors, in the
afternoons he lounged by the swimming lake, or would traipse up the tall hill James had taken him
to on his first day. He spent many hours reading while perched on his viewpoint at the height of
the village. He hated to admit it, but he felt himself begin to relax, there was a loosening in his
chest as he reluctantly accepted that he was beginning to enjoy himself.

He had decided to stop pursuing James. Their conversation at the ball had left Regulus feeling
slightly guilty. He had unintentionally caused James considerable stress by the looks of it. And
while he couldn’t help but feel a little proud that he had managed to fluster the handsome man so
thoroughly, he wasn’t about to send the poor bloke into a full blown crisis for the sake of a quick
shag. The long, hot days drew out over the course of the week and as the weekend rolled around
Regulus was feeling considerably lighter than he had in years.

He was getting ready to head off to Lily’s on Saturday morning when Sirius brushed past him
towards the back door.

“I’m off,” he said to the room. “Helping Remus with the thrashing.”

“Need some help?” James couldn’t keep the hopeful tone out of his voice.

“No, don’t worry Prongs, we have it covered,” Sirius said without looking back. Regulus could see
the disappointment in James’ slumped shoulders. His brother could really be dense sometimes.
Regulus pulled on his boots and quickly followed Sirius out, jogging slightly to keep up with his
brother’s lengthy strides.

“Oi Sirius.”

“Hmm?” Sirius replied, barely breaking his pace.

“Stop being such a twat, you bellend,” Regulus said. Sirius stopped and swivelled to face Regulus.

“Who are you calling a bellend?” he said incredulously.

“You. You’ve been fucking off with Remus every day since we got here. Don’t you think you’re
being a bit rude?”

Sirius frowned as he looked at Regulus. “You’re telling me what’s rude?”

“Well I know I wouldn’t be leaving my best mate on his tod every bloody day after he took me into
his home.”

“I’ve… I’ve been helping on the farm.” Sirius said pathetically as Regulus’ words finally landed.

“Yeah, and you’re always running off, why don’t you tell him to come with you?” Regulus bit out.

“Oh… oh I hadn’t thought…” Sirius trailed off, guilt finally settling on his features as he obviously
realised that he was in fact being a twat.

“Yeah that’s always been your problem Sirius, all action no brain.” Regulus said. “Stop neglecting
your mate, I’m sick of looking at his soppy face.” Regulus said before stomping away from Sirius’
sullen figure.

He cycled into the village and waved at Mrs Norris, the witchy old lady who seemed to be
permanently positioned outside of her house. It didn’t matter what time of day Regulus passed; her
beady, watchful eyes were always peering out from behind her lace curtains. She didn’t wave back
but instead shot Regulus a disapproving glare.

Regulus sauntered into the tailors, now well versed in the layout of the small shop, and he made
his way into one of the back rooms. Lily was knelt, pinning the hem of a dress on a scrawny, pinch
faced woman who looked a few years older than him. The woman turned to him and appraised him
down her nose.

“Hi Reggie,” Lily said when she spotted him at the doorway, her voice was slightly strained. “This
is my sister, Petunia.” So, this was the famous sister, Regulus thought. Lily had made several
references to her stuck-up sister over the past week and with the scathing look Petunia was sending
his way, he didn’t have high hopes that Lily’s assessment was all that wrong.

“Hello,” he said with a polite smile.

“Concentrate would you!” Petunia snapped to her sister. Lily rolled her eyes at Regulus but
continued her work nonetheless. “This dress needs to be perfect. I’m going to the theatre with
Vernon in Bristol.” Regulus strolled over and took a seat in the far corner of the room. He didn’t
respond even though he knew that Petunia’s bragging was undoubtedly for his benefit. “Lily
doesn’t understand these more sophisticated things you know,” she continued, looking at Regulus
now, apparently unhappy with his lack of response. “Of course, she’s not used to working with
such delicate fabric. Afterall, she couldn’t wear something like this with her figure, she’d probably
break the seams. No, dresses like this need to be displayed properly,” Petunia said with a bite.

Regulus looked up with shock at Petunia’s cruel words, he glanced at Lily. Her red hair had fallen
across her face, hiding her expression but Regulus felt himself get hot with anger on her behalf.

“I’m sure you know all about that Regulus, your family is very distinguished from what I’ve
heard,” Petunia kept rabbiting on, apparently unaware of Regulus rising fury. Regulus was about to
snap at her when Lily stood abruptly, her face slightly pink.

“There, its all done,” she said.

Petunia looked at herself in the mirror, swivelling from side to side. “What do you think Regulus?”
she asked.

“It’s a fine dress,” he said. “But it just looks tacky being worn by a nasty cow.”

Petunia gasped at his words and swung around to face him. She spluttered with shock and horror,
clearly unable to find the words. Regulus looked at her with amusement and waved his hand
impatiently, daring her to say something to him. Petunia looked him up and down and swung out of
the room, muttering as she left.

Lily burst out a loud snort of laughter as the bell tinkled above the shop door. It was her family’s
shop, but they had long since left her to take care of it. Lily had explained that her family seemed to
think that if she had full responsibility of the running of the tailors, then she might feel too guilty to
leave. Five minutes in the presence of her sister, and Regulus fully understood why that wouldn’t
be an issue. No wonder Lily was ready to run.

“I can’t believe you said that to her,” Lily said.

“She needed to hear it, the cheek of her,” Regulus replied.

“Oh it’s okay, I’m used to it by now.” Lily shrugged and made her way around the room, picking
up pieces of scrap material.

“You shouldn’t be.” Regulus said firmly. Lily looked at him with surprised eyes at his earnestness.
“I know what it’s like to be at the receiving end of that bullshit. After a while, you end up believing
it.”

Lily bit her lip as she considered him, a warm fondness in her expression. Regulus felt slightly
uneasy under the considered gaze and so he threw himself into the work. He couldn’t help Lily
with her designs or the sewing, but he could spend the morning cutting sheaths of fabric and
entertaining Lily with stories from London.

When lunchtime arrived, Regulus bid Lily farewell and began cycling back towards the manor. He
came to a halt as he passed the large rugby pitch on the edge of town. He spotted familiar figures in
the distance. A group of men were on the pitch, and he could spot James and his brother pushing
each other boisterously. Hearty laughter carried across the field and Regulus was pleased that his
brother appeared to have taken his advice to heart. He leaned his bike against the small stone wall
and climbed over, making his way to the benches. Remus was sat on a long wooden bench, reading
a book, and crunching on an apple.

“Hi Remus,” Regulus said as he approached. Remus looked up and smiled at Regulus.

“Alright Reg,”

“Not joining in?” Regulus asked.

“No, never had the constitution for sports. Besides, it’s far more enjoyable to watch,” he said with
a mischievous wink.

Regulus chuckled slightly at Remus’ implication. He looked up towards Sirius and James and felt a
sudden drop in his stomach. Was it James Remus liked to watch? He cast his eyes to James who
was bent at the hips, face stern with concentration as he waited for the ball. His rugby shorts were
slightly hitched on one leg, revealing the strong muscles of his thigh and there was mud caked
across his back. It wasn’t an unpleasant sight, quite the opposite in fact. Regulus’ stomach dropped
as he considered that Remus might fancy James, they had kissed after all. He really shouldn’t care,
his interest in James was always going to be nothing but a bit of fun for a few weeks. But the
familiar tug of competitiveness, and jealousy, worked its way through his veins until he felt
positively furious at Remus for even considering the idea.

When he looked at Remus, however, his eyes were focused on his book and Regulus realised he
might be overreacting.
“What are you reading?” Regulus asked.

“Lady Chatterley’s Lover,” Remus replied. Regulus’ eyebrows shot up and Remus chuckled.
“Didn’t take you for a prude.”

“I’m not.” Regulus said quickly, “didn’t think that would be your cup of tea is all.”

Remus shrugged. “It’s not really, but it wasn’t my choice this month. One of the ladies in Effie’s
book club suggested it.”

Regulus bit the inside of his mouth to keep from grinning at the image of Remus surrounded by a
group of middle-aged ladies discussing Oliver Mellors’ sexual prowess. Remus glanced up and
grinned at Regulus’ expression. “I know, I know. But its actually pretty fun. You should come
along,” Remus said.

Regulus huffed a laugh before giving a noncommittal answer. He made his excuses, biding Remus
farewell, and quickly cycled back to the manor, unwilling to watch any more of James’ sweaty
exertions.

James and Sirius bounded into the house later that afternoon, faces rosy from the fresh air and arms
wrapped around each other. Regulus was pleased to see the renewed vigour in James’ step as he
bounced off the walls talking about the rugby match. They showered and changed and proceeded
to drag Regulus with them, giving him little choice in the matter, as they left for the local pub for a
drink with the other players.

That’s how Regulus found himself sandwiched between two very large, and very loud, men who
were discussing the intricacies of the game across his head. Regulus didn’t bother appear to be
interested, he doubted they’d notice. He dutifully sipped his pint and stared into space. The pub
was small and busy, and the group of men were crowded around a collection of small round tables
next to the bar. The rowdy banter echoed off the low whitewashed walls and began ringing in
Regulus’ ears. Regulus was sat next to the bulky presence of William; the man Regulus had seen
Remus leave the village dance with. Regulus was about to sink his third pint when William finally
spoke to him.

“Do you play rugby Regulus?” he asked unexpectedly.

“Not really,” Regulus replied.

“Oh it’s a great sport, you should join us for a game, its all in good fun.” William continued. “It’s
good to work out all that tension from the day in the fields. Probably seems a bit silly I guess,
taking a break from being out in the field by running about in another one.”

Regulus nodded, he couldn’t be bothered to disagree. He often found with men like William that if
you just smiled and nodded they were glad to chatter on uninterrupted, more than happy to be
entertained by the sound of their own voice. “Of course, in a few weeks there’ll be no time for
rugby, I’ll be out harvesting from dawn to dusk. You’ve really got to make the most out of the slow
time when you can. Not that I mind it really, harvest is one of the best times to be here, will you
still be here come Autumn? You’ll be put to work no doubt…” William carried on monologuing
about the joys of farming as Regulus zoned out, entirely uninterested in the whole thing. It was
then he felt James’ gaze fixed on him from a few tables away. James’ eyes were darting between
him and William with a frown and Regulus’ heart immediately began racing with anticipation at
the dangerous look in James’ expression.
Regulus knew exactly what James thought was happening between him and William, and he was
just tipsy enough to be pleased about it. Regulus leaned back in his seat, twisting his body to face
William. He looked at William with a captivated smile, as if he was hanging on to every word.
Regulus could feel James’ continued stare as he laughed at William’s descriptions of the different
types of combines. He felt a bit guilty, intentionally riling James up, but the jealous look on his
face was too intoxicating to stop. William didn’t appear to notice, too absorbed by his own story
telling to notice a shift in Regulus’ behaviour.

It was only when Regulus threw his head back with laughter and reached out to touch William’s
chest that he felt a firm hand on his shoulder. He looked up into James’ thunderous expression with
wide innocent eyes. “Think its time we were heading off,” James said gruffly.

“You can go, I’m having a good time here,” Regulus said.

“No, you’re coming now,” James said unwaveringly.

“But Sirius doesn’t seem to be coming, can’t I just leave with him later?” Regulus said. He knew
he was intentionally antagonising James now, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“Regulus. Now.” The heated intensity in James’ expression left Regulus’ mouth feeling dry and his
stomach twisting in anticipation.

“Okay.” Regulus stood and followed James out of the pub, barely waving goodbye to William’s
hulking figure. He had only just made it out of the small pub when a hand clenched around his arm
and pulled him down the road and into a small alleyway between cottages. James pushed him
against the wall and kissed him roughly. Regulus felt the immediate heated wash of desire and he
returned the kiss with equal enthusiasm.

“Is this what you want?” James growled. Regulus melted against James’ body immediately,
mummering his agreement against the soft lips and pressing his body up against James’. “You can
do better than bloody William…” James trailed off as he began ruthlessly peppering kisses down
Regulus’ neck and Regulus couldn’t help but groan at the sensation. Regulus reached a hand and
pulled his fingers through James’ messy hair, guiding his head across his body.

James pushed Regulus further into the wall, his arm reaching around his waist to hold Regulus
close. He pulled Regulus’ hair back slightly and Regulus looked up into his dilated eyes. There
was a ravenous look in his face, something dangerous that pulled with excitement in Regulus’
stomach. Regulus whimpered at the intensity with which James was holding him, he honestly
didn’t know he had it in him. He had expected James to be a tender, soft kind of lover, but the
hunger emanating from his vibrating body betrayed the intense desire. James resumed kissing
Regulus and Regulus didn’t have a moment to reciprocate the assault being left over his neck, his
collar, his face and his throat. James reached a hand and pressed it firmly into Regulus’ groin
resulting in an embarrassing whine. “You want this?” James panted as his hand began massaging
over Regulus’ trousers.

“Yes” Regulus was barely able to breath it out with the intensity of his longing. James pulled at
Regulus flies and shoved a hand down the front of his trousers, clasping at Regulus’ erection.
Regulus saw stars in that moment and could do little else but clutch desperately at James’ shirt as
James stroked determinedly, not once letting up his onslaught of kisses.

James stroked and pulled, and Regulus scrabbled for his footing as the blissful sensation washed
over his body. He let out an inhuman cry as James’ ministrations gained speed and James covered
his mouth roughly with his hand, preventing him from alerting any passers-by to what was
happening. This only heightened Regulus’ exhilaration and he gave himself over fully to James’
control in the small dark alleyway. He groaned against the hand that was plastered across his
mouth and he shuddered with the ecstatic release. He collapsed forwards against James’ body and
tried to control his thumping heart. James’ chest was heaving against his own and after a moment
Regulus pulled him close, reaching towards James’ trousers to return the gesture.

James pulled his hands gently away. “No, no that was…” James’ intense hunger had given way to
a softer, almost scared expression. “I don’t know what that was,” he stammered out.

“It was good, let me help you out,” Regulus’ words were throaty and coarse.

“No. No you don’t have to,” James said. “Just… just please don’t sleep with William.”

Regulus almost laughed at the absurdity of the statement. “I wasn’t going to.” James nodded
briskly.

“Good. Right. Well, lets go home.”

“James…”

“No, its fine… I… I don’t know what came over me.” James said quickly. Regulus felt that
familiar pang of guilt as he recognised the swirling emotions of confusion on James’ face. Regulus
nodded and followed James up the small country lane towards the manor.

As the endorphins began ebbing away, Regulus began to feel slightly guilty that he had provoked
James’ jealousy by pretending to flirt with William. He looked across to James’ profile, there was a
drawn, troubled expression on his face. Regulus reached out a hand and took James’ in his own,
trying to reassure the other man. James looked at their joined hands and smiled softly, his eyes
crinkling ever so slightly at the edges. The walked in silence, hand in hand, until they reached the
manor. James dropped his hand when they reached the large oak doors and quickly hurried away to
his bedroom with a mumbled “goodnight”.

When Regulus made his way into his own room, he collapsed back onto his bed and tried to make
sense of what had happened. James wanted him, that much was clear, and God did Regulus want
James too. But Regulus couldn’t help the nervous feeling of foreboding at the thought, it seemed
like a dangerous path to follow. James was far too sweet, too tender, and Regulus wasn’t about to
confuse him any further. How he was going to resist if James shot him that eager look again, he
had no idea.
 Chapter 7
Chapter Notes

CW: Sexual content in this chapter.

James

Sirius was going to murder him. Actually murder him dead. It was too late for James, his crime had
been committed and he was doomed to fall at the hand of his best friend. He should probably just
get it over with and tell Sirius what happened with Regulus, a swift death would be preferable.
Although perhaps he should get his affairs in order first. What that meant, James wasn’t sure, but it
was something people did right? Sirius would of course get half of his possessions, Remus the
other half. Were murderers allowed to inherit from their victim? In any case, no court of law would
likely convict once they heard how deeply James had betrayed his friend. An entirely
understandable reaction, they would likely call it.

James’ thoughts got caught in a tailspin of what constituted an appropriate crime of passion as he
lay in bed, letting the hot morning sun beat down on his body until he had almost forgotten the
reason he was about to be murdered in the first place. The sound of the bathroom door opening
reminded him of the fact that he had, in a heated moment of madness, wanked off Sirius’ brother
outside a pub. James honestly didn’t know what had come over him.

He fancied Regulus, he knew that for certain now. He really really fancied him. Fancied him like
he might just self-combust if he wasn’t able to touch him again type of fancying. But he had
fancied other people in the past and he had never been so out of control, so led by his deepest
animalistic desires.

The memory of Regulus’ delicate face scrunched up in pleasure, his dark stormy eyes, and the
knowledge that it had been he who was responsible, left James feeling restless all night. He tossed
and turned until he could do nothing but toss himself off. But none of that mattered. It didn’t matter
how he was feeling towards Regulus, at the end of the day he was Sirius’ brother. Sirius who was
as close to James as any brother could be. They were James and Sirius, Sirius and James, joined at
the hip since they met when they were eleven years old. And now James had fucked that all up,
and the worst part about it was that he wanted to do it again, and again. And again.

He didn’t even have the energy to blush or be embarrassed when he walked into the kitchen to the
now familiar sight of his extended family eating breakfast together. No, this time it was Regulus
who avoided eye contact with James. James’ heart felt heavy, and he felt guilty, and horny, and so
so tired.

“Want to come help with the thrashing?” Sirius asked as James poured himself coffee. James
looked up in surprise, he had gotten used to Sirius and Remus heading off for the day together each
morning and so hadn’t expected an invite. It had come as a nice surprise when Sirius had jogged
back into the house the morning before to get James to join him for a game of rugby, but he had
assumed Sirius would be back to business as usual today. He looked at Sirius who was smiling at
him with such a wide smile tugging at the edges of his mouth that James couldn’t help but be a
little suspicious. Where was this sudden friendliness coming from? Did Sirius know something?
Oh god, was thrashing a euphemism? Maybe Remus was in on the plan and before the end of the
day James would find himself legs up in the bowels of a combine harvester.

“No.” James said quickly. “I’m going to catch up with Marlene today.” He quickly ate breakfast
and ran out the house, barely speaking to even his mother. He had to run back to the house when he
was halfway up the lane, realising he had forgotten his bike and was simply sprinting full pelt up
the road. He really hoped that Marlene had the day off. He cycled quickly through the village and
passed out the other side, winding his way around small stony lanes and into the woods. Marlene’s
house was a small cottage nestled in the thickets at the base of the hill. It was rather picturesque,
with its small flower boxes, jangling wind chimes and free roaming chickens. James threw his bike
down and knocked on the door.

After a moment the door was opened by the burly and gruff looking Tommy, Marlene’s brother.
Oh fuck, James had forgotten about Marlene’s brother, and the fact that he was hardly on his best
terms at the moment.

“Hi Tommy. Marlene in?” James asked, rather defeated.

“Oh so you heard the parents were out of town and decided to come straight over did you Potter?”

“What? I didn’t know they weren’t here.” James said.

“Well I am. So no funny business alright, I’ve got my eye on you.” Tommy warned before inching
the door open a fraction. James sighed but clambered under Tommy’s arm into the house. He
bounded up the small rickety staircase to where he knew Marlene’s room was and flung open the
door. His open-door policy with Sirius was a little too engrained in him and he realised he probably
should have knocked when he was met by three shrieks of surprise at the sudden intrusion.

“Jesus Potter, you scared the shit out of me,” Marlene said. She was sitting on her bed flicking
through a magazine. He could see now that Mary and Lily were also in her room, they were sat on
the floor, frozen in place. Mary appeared to be putting makeup on Lily and all three girls were
gawping at his sudden appearance.

“Sorry Marls,” he mumbled after a moment. “I was just seeing if you were about. But you’re busy,
I’ll head off.”

“No James, come join us,” Marlene said. James darted his eyes around the room, the girls doing
makeup, the crooning sound of Gracie Fields playing on the wireless, it didn’t seem like a
kickabout was on the cards.

“Yeah c’mon James.” Mary said. James nodded and made his way into the room, taking a tentative
seat next to Marlene, unsure of what he was now supposed to be doing.

“We were just talking about that new picture ‘Gone With The Wind’, we thought we’d try go into
Bath next week to catch it.” Lily said.

“Yes, well of course Lily just wants to see it for Clark Gable” Mary continued. “Of course, I
always prefer Errol Flynn, he’s so much more manly you know.” James stared at their expectant
faces as they waited for his input.

“Um… yeah very manly,” James said.

“See, I told you.” Mary said to Lily, continuing to draw eyeliner on her face. He glanced a look at
Marlene who laughed and rolled her eyes at him.
“What you been up to James?”

“Oh nothing really. Sirius and Remus are off on the farm again.”

“What about his brother, Regulus?” Mary asked. “Is he single? The good-looking genes really run
in that family, my lord.”

“No,” James said.

“No he’s not single?” Mary asked. James immediately realised his mistake.

“Oh, no he is… I think. I don’t know.” James was getting flustered and was quickly regretting his
decision to come visit Marlene. “Where are you girls off to anyway?” He asked, attempting to
change the subject.

“Nowhere,” Lily said.

“What’s with the getup?”

“Just fun,” Mary said. James frowned, he didn’t see what was so fun about getting all dolled up
with nowhere to go, but there were many things about the fairer sex that baffled him so he kept his
mouth shut.

“Speaking of, I think you’re all done Lily.” Mary said, leaning back to appraise her work. Lily
grinned brightly as she took in her appearance in the mirror. She did look particularly beautiful
with the soft kohl outlining her bright green eyes and the bright red rouge on her lips. Although
James would have thought Lily looked beautiful in a potato sack, so he hardly thought he was the
best judge of Mary’s handiwork.

“You’re up Marls,” Mary said.

“Not a chance.” Marlene said. “Can’t stand it, someone poking and prodding at my face. I always
end up rubbing it off by accident and it just ends up smudged.”

“Oh please Marley,” Mary pouted her lips and fluttered her eyelashes at Marlene.

Marlene laughed and shook her head, coming to a stop when her eyes landed on James. James
could see the dangerous glint in her eye and he was immediately alarmed.

“Don’t you dare say it Marlene,” he warned, but her mischievous grin just grew wider. “Absolutely
not!” He darted his head around wildly looking for support but was just met by three excitable
faces and he was cornered. James jumped up from the bed, ready to make a quick escape, but he
was quickly yanked down by Marlene’s arms wrapping around his waist and the other two
launching themselves on top of him.

That’s how he found himself an hour later, sat on the floor as Mary perfected the final touches of
lipstick, Lily gently combing through his hair and attempting to braid small daisies into its wild
tresses. He would occasionally glare at Marlene who was at serious risk of hurting herself with the
enthusiasm with which she was laughing.

“There, all done,” Mary announced eventually. James sighed and turned to look at himself in the
mirror. He was taken aback by the face staring back at him. He had to admit it, Mary was very
good, he looked almost… pretty? James was inspecting his glittery eyes in the mirror when the
door suddenly burst open. This time it was Sirius who had forgone the need for knocking and
James’ stomach dropped as he realised he was caught.
He turned around slowly to see the shocked faces of Sirius, Remus, and Regulus all standing in the
doorway. Just what he needed. There was a moments silence as everyone in the room took in the
scene before Sirius burst out into a joyous cackle of laughter. Remus shortly followed, as did the
girls. James could see that even Regulus was hiding a grin behind Remus at the sight of James’
perfectly made-up face.

“Very pretty James,” Remus joked.

“What are you doing here?” James mumbled dejectedly.

“Decided to have the afternoon off, came to see what you were up to. But that’s clear now.” Sirius
said between gulps of air as he clutched his stomach.

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up,” James grumbled.

“Do me next!” Sirius proclaimed, quite unexpectedly. He flew across the room and sat quickly
down in front of Mary, eyes closed and face upturned, ready for his own makeover. Mary looked
slightly taken aback but shrugged and proceeded to begin slathering make up on Sirius’ face.

It was an hour later when Tommy’s voice came booming down the corridor. “Marlene, I don’t
think dad would be happy that you have all these boys in your room when he’s not home,” he said.
Marlene’s door swung open without invitation for the third time that day and Tommy was
confronted with James, Sirius, Remus, and Regulus, frozen in place as the girls rolled about
laughing. They were all now wearing lipstick, eyeliner, and eyeshadow, Lily had even managed to
tease some impressive rolls into Sirius’ hair.

Tommy’s eyes grew wide at the sight, he shook his head in disapproval and turned to leave,
muttering to himself all the while about his sister’s ridiculous friends. James turned to face the
others, he caught eyes with Remus, pink eyeshadow and red lipstick contrasting his woollen
farmers jumper and burst into laughter. This triggered hysterics from the entire group, who quickly
fell about laughing.

“Bog off Tommy!” Marlene called out to the now closed door, she had been the only one who’d
managed to escape the makeovers and appeared to be incredibly pleased with herself.

Regulus looked unfairly good with the makeup on. The rest of them had managed to smudge most
of it, making them look rather shabby. Sirius had rubbed his eyes so thoroughly by accident that his
dark grey eyes were entirely outlined in black. Regulus, however, well he simply sat back with a
satisfied look on his face, the makeup perfect and accentuating his slightly feminine features.
James was intoxicated, he couldn’t keep his eyes off him. It was worse than the outfit he had on at
the party. He had nearly collapsed from the lack of air when he had seen Regulus’ figure walk into
that ball room. Now, however it was his long eyelashes, fuller thanks to the mascara, his rosy
cheeks and pink lips that were captivating James. And it wasn’t that he looked like a girl, no, he
didn’t look like a girl at all. He just looked like a very beautiful man, that must be what the nymphs
and gods of Ancient Greece looked like, he thought.

He had almost entirely dazed out staring at Regulus when he noticed the small upturn of the corner
of his lip. Regulus was watching him; he could clearly see how unashamedly James was gawping
at him. James shuddered under the intense gaze. He could spend forever looking at Regulus, he
realised. He wanted to spend forever looking at him, and talking to him. He always wanted to be
around him, even when he was being a little prick, he wanted Regulus to glare at him and roll his
eyes. He wanted to spend a thousand lifetimes teasing a smile from his dour expression.
That thought shocked James and jolted him out of his reverie. He sat up quickly and felt a bit
breathless, trying to tune back into the conversations happening around him. He was losing his
head, he barely knew Regulus, and for the time he had known him, he had mostly just been mean.
Here James was fantasising about some unattainable future with him. As if that was something that
would be possible, not in this world. He was getting carried away, as he always had. Like he had
with Lily.

James glanced over at Lily who was laughing with Mary and realised he had barely looked at her
all day. He took her in, she was so beautiful, and laughed so easily. James had always liked that
about her. And she was ambitious too, James couldn’t wait to see how successful she would be.
She was going to be a famous dress maker; he was sure of it. He would have followed her wherever
she went. He knew she wanted to go to London, and he had been ready to follow her, to let her lead
him along her path of success, and he would be grateful for it.

But now as he watched Lily, he realised he was thinking about her in past tense. Something had
shifted in him, and a new, stronger sensation was washing over him. Desire, and fondness, and
challenge, all wrapped up in an intoxicatingly frustrating package. That was it, James realised. This
is what love was, or at least, what it felt like to be getting close. He adored Lily and he had since he
was seven years old, but he had never felt this way. He had put her on a pedestal and waited for her
to lift him onto her own. But Regulus was right, that didn’t really sound like love, and James was
coming to realise that he had been quite unfair to her, expecting her to like him back just because
he wanted it. Because nothing compared to how he felt his body being pulled across the room.
How he wanted to push Regulus down into the carpet and kiss him until he ran out of breath. James
shuddered again and he felt suddenly incredibly fearful, he was getting so carried away and he
needed some air, he needed to calm himself down. He had wanked the guy off and now here he
was planning their fucking future together.

“What do you think?” Sirius asked him. James had no earthly idea what they had been talking
about, too wrapped up in his own mind.

“Hmm?”

“Bath on Tuesday?” Sirius repeated.

“Um yeah… sounds good,” he mumbled.

James had spent the rest of the afternoon lounging in Marlene’s room as Lily fashioned new outfits
for Marlene and Mary out of sheets. Remus, Sirius, and Regulus had left after a few hours, washing
their faces and making their excuses. He didn’t want to go straight home however, he still didn’t
know what he was going to do. To tell Sirius what happened, or beg Regulus to let it happen again.
So once he bade farewell to the girls, he trudged up the long path towards the peak of the hill at the
back of Marlene’s house. When he reached the top, he quickly realised he wasn’t alone. Regulus
was sat there, quietly contemplating the scene laid out in front of him. James’ stomach erupted in
butterflies, the fact that he had returned to the spot James had shown him. It shouldn’t mean as
much as it did. He approached Regulus and sat beside him.

“Hey Reg,” he said. Regulus startled slightly at the sudden disruption. “Sorry, I can go if you want
to be alone.”

“No, no you can stay,” Regulus replied.

James shifted to make himself comfortable and looked over the familiar rolling hills of Wilshire.
Two birds were swooping through the still, humid air. James turned to say something to Regulus,
just as Regulus turned to do the same. They chucked and fell back into an anticipatory silence.
Should he bring it up? They certainly couldn’t ignore it, not anymore. But James simply couldn’t
find the words, he didn’t know what exactly he wanted to say.

Instead, James inched his hand over to where Regulus’ was splayed on the ground next to him. He
moved his hand in slow increments before hooking his little finger around Regulus’. Regulus
looked down at the minute touch and bit his bottom lip. They sat there for a while in silence, the
point of touch connecting them in a wordless agreement. Eventually, as the afternoon sun began to
wane, they stood to make their way home. James had left his bike at Marlene’s and decided to
leave it there, much preferring to walk through the fields with Regulus.

James strolled slowly through the tall wheat fields, brushing his hands along the stalky spines. The
humidity had risen, and his shirt was sticking to his back uncomfortably. The sky was a bright
white and James was praying for a break in the weather. Anything to cool him down after weeks of
pressure. He walked along quietly with Regulus. Regulus had picked up a stick and was mindlessly
bashing the wheat as they made their way through the field. James kept peeking looks up at
Regulus, who he caught glancing back at him as they walked. The two men’s eyes would meet and
quickly dart away, James letting out a small chuckle at the nervous energy that had descended
upon them.

“I wish this weather would break.”

“Do you know Remus is in a book club with your mother?”

James and Regulus spoke suddenly at the same time. They both laughed and shook their heads.

“Um yeah. Although the filth they read I don’t really want to know the details,” James said.

Regulus huffed another laugh as an awkward silence descended upon them again. James watched
as Regulus meandered carefully through the field, waving the stick absentmindedly. His whole
body felt like it was vibrating with anticipation, for what, he wasn’t sure. But just being here, being
so close to Regulus, lit a fire inside him that felt dangerous, and enticing. It was then that he felt the
first drop of rain on his cheek. He stopped in his place, unsure if it was real and looked up at the
sky.

A sudden deluge of rain crashed down on him and engulfed him in a beautiful refreshing flood,
soaking him to the bone in mere seconds. When he caught sight of Regulus he nearly fell over
laughing at his stunned expression. His hair was stuck to his face, and he was frozen in place,
clearly appalled at the sudden drenching. James bent over laughing, from relief of the rain, the
break in the heat, or Regulus’ unimpressed frown he wasn’t sure. Regulus followed shortly after,
the smile pulled from him like an unwanted guest in the way it always seemed to be.

“C’mon, we better run,” James shouted over the thunderous rain. They turned and began sprinting
through the fields towards the manor.

As the heavens opened, James and Regulus ran through the wide expanse of wheat fields. They
were laughing as they sprinted towards the shelter of the tree line in the distance. The house was
still too far away to get to, and they were both getting soaked. James turned to look at Regulus, his
black curls plastered to his forehead, his cheeks pink with the exertion. He was grinning broadly at
James as they hopped through the rows of wheat.

“Faster!” James shouted, reaching out his hand to pull Regulus along.

“I’m coming!” Regulus shouted back through the loud rumblings of the rain. James grinned back
and turned towards the tree line again. He lost his footing in a large puddle and splashed down into
the ground, bringing Regulus with him until they were both lying against the crushed wheat, rain
still hammering down on them. James looked stunned up at the sky for a moment, his glasses
fogging up with the raindrops. He turned and looked at Regulus who was getting equally assaulted
by the torrent of rain. His white shirt had gone nearly translucent, James looked down and saw that
his had done much the same.

“Well so much for not getting wet,” he said to Regulus.

“This was your fault,” Regulus said as he teasingly hit James on the shoulder.

“Was not,” James laughed back, grabbing his arm to stop the assault. “I was trying to be a
gentleman.”

Regulus was leaned over James’ body and James could sense the moment the mood shifted. James’
breath hitched as he took in the significant expression that had fallen across Regulus’ face.
Regulus’ eyes darted down towards James’ lips and lingered for a moment. James felt himself hold
his breath in anticipation. Regulus looked up and met his eye, and suddenly, as if the spell had been
broken, he cleared his throat and sat up, shifting himself away from James.

James grabbed Regulus’ arm and pulled him back towards him. He leaned towards Regulus,
inching closer and closer, terrified of what the next few moments might mean. He stared at
Regulus’ parted lips; rain drops spattering across his pale face. He darted his eyes up to meet
Regulus’ wide worried gaze and pushed himself forwards. He caught Regulus’ mouth in a kiss,
immediately pulling back as if he had been shocked. Regulus remained stock still for a moment as
James’ heartbeat beat rapidly in his chest. He paused, waiting for a reaction, an admonishment.
Both men sat staring at each other for a long moment as the rain continued to beat down on them.
The thunderous sound of the downpour drowning out the tense silence.

In a sudden rush of certainty, Regulus pushed himself forwards into James’ body. James felt his
stomach lurch as the other man kissed him deeply, pushing his chest against James’. James
responded immediately, returning the kiss with equal enthusiasm. He wrapped his arms around
Regulus’ waist and ran his hands over his back. Regulus too began running his hands over James’
body as their kissing became more heated.

Regulus whined, or at least James thought he did, the deafening noise of the rain made it difficult
to discern. Regulus began moving his body against James’ and James groaned in shock as he felt
the hardness of the other man pressed against him. The sensation so new and so exhilarating.
James felt hungry, the only word to describe it. He kissed down Regulus’ neck and began to
unbutton his shirt until it was hanging open, he moved his hands across the wet skin. He kissed
down Regulus’ chest and sucked on a nipple, biting gently as he felt Regulus begin to move against
his hip rhythmically.

James looked up into Regulus’ desperate face and kissed him again, aligning their bodies so they
were moving against each other. Regulus’ hands scrabbled at his back as their rutting gained
momentum. Regulus pulled at James shirt, ripping off the top button and desperately scrabbling at
the rest. James caught on quickly and yanked the shirt over his head in one swoop. Regulus
launched himself back against James, pushing him onto his back. James dragged Regulus down
with him as Regulus’ hands moved against his chest, his stomach, his biceps.

Regulus sat up and began unbuttoning James' trousers. James gasped as Regulus reached into his
slacks and stroked him with intent. James couldn’t hold himself back, he shoved at Regulus,
tumbling them over so they were rolling in the field. He pressed against Regulus and shoved his
trousers down his hips. In the same moment Regulus frantically began undoing his own fly, before
pulling his own trousers down around his hips. James inhaled as he took in the sight of Regulus
body, his chest heaving, his erection standing up against his belly as he lay back, drenched in rain.
James launched himself forwards, kissing Regulus with a renewed heat. The lack of clothing
provided a new, exhilarating sensation where their erections pressed against each other. James was
left moaning loudly and panting into Regulus’ mouth, he had never felt anything like it, he was
immediately addicted.

The two men thrust against each other, half-naked bodies being pounded with rain as they gasped
into each other’s mouths. James teased Regulus’ head to gain access to his neck, mouthing against
it as his movements gained momentum. He felt Regulus’ nails scrape against his back as the other
man cried out, spilling across his stomach. The blissful sound pushed James over the edge, and he
followed shortly behind.

They lay against each other in the pouring rain, panting desperately. James eventually dragged his
body up to look Regulus in the eye. They stayed like that a moment, both still under the spell until a
loud rumbling of thunder shook them out of their fantasy.

They seemed to simultaneously realise where they were and what they had just done. They
scrabbled for their clothes and righted themselves as best as they could in the middle of a field
during a thunderstorm. James grabbed Regulus’ hand again and ran for the treeline, this time
reaching the shelter of the tightly packed woods for a brief respite. His chest was heaving, and he
felt like he could float. He could also feel the familiar beginnings of guilt tugging at him.

“I don’t know what I’m doing here Reggie,” James said, speaking loudly to be heard over the
downpour. “I want you so much, every day, every moment. It’s like my heart is going to give out
not being close to you, not touching you.” Regulus’s breath was shuddering next to him as the
words tumbled out. “All I want is to be close to you… but Sirius, he’s like my brother. He’s going
to lose his mind when we tell him.”

“Since when are we telling him anything?” Regulus asked, alarmed.

“Yes, he’s going to go mental. I don’t know if he’ll ever speak to me again. You know how he is,
he’s so much more sensitive than anyone gives him credit for. They think he’s all arrogance and
backtalk, but he is so vulnerable.” James paused and looked at Regulus. “Particularly when it
comes to you.”

Regulus frowned slightly, his chest was still heaving, and his shirt was hanging open. James tried
not to get distracted by the sight. “He feels rejection very harshly and I think that’s why he has
such a hard time when you said you wanted to leave. After all, you were the one your parents
wanted, he hasn’t ever quite gotten over that you know.”

“I’m the one that they wanted?!” Regulus said incredulously. “Listen James, I don’t know what
Sirius has been telling you over the years, but they certainly didn’t want me. I was the leftover, the
spare. And he walked out. I was stuck there and faced the consequences of his decisions. So don’t
talk to me about Sirius being fucking vulnerable.”

“No no Reggie, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry.” James spilled out, scared of being
misunderstood. “I know that, believe me, and he knows that he was lucky to leave too. He never
wanted them to come looking for him. But that doesn’t mean it hurt any less when they didn’t.”

“I don’t understand what that has to do with me and you.”

“Well, he’d see it as me choosing you over him wouldn’t he. Like it’s happening all over again.”
“But you’re not choosing me James, we’re just… I don’t know we’re just shagging.” James
couldn’t stop the sting he felt at those words. They weren’t just shagging, not to him. He didn’t
think he had the ability to sleep with someone carelessly. Regulus didn’t seem to understand that
though.

“I… Well, I don’t want to choose between either of you. I love Sirius, so much. And… if I’m being
honest here, I think I’m starting to-“

“Don’t say it James,” Regulus interrupted.

“I don’t care how stupid you think I am for my romantic inclinations, but I simply don’t have the
ability to feel something halfway.”

Regulus’ eyes had grown extremely wide, and slightly panicked at James’ line of speech.

“Please James, I know what you want to say, and I need you to stop. I know you think you know
what you’re feeling but I promise you, you’re not. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea, I knew I
should never have started this. You don’t even know me, James. You wouldn’t… well you
wouldn’t feel this way do if you did.”

“I know enough.” James said simply. “But okay, if you need me not to say it, I won’t. But I do
need to tell Sirius.”

“Absolutely fucking not.” Regulus said.

“I know, he’ll murder us both. But I can’t keep secrets from him. It is physically painful. Literally,
I have a stomach ache thinking about it. And he would never keep something like this from me.”
Regulus whole body had tensed up and James was terrified, he could feel the tentative string that
was tying them together becoming frayed. He grabbed Regulus’ hand and brought it to his mouth,
kissing his palm softly. “I need you Regulus. I need you like air.”

Regulus visibly relaxed at the words, his eyes glazed over slightly as he watched James pepper
kisses over his palm and across his wrist. He eventually slumped against James who wrapped his
arms around Regulus tightly. “It’s on your head when he has a stroke,” Regulus muttered into
James’ chest. James murmured his agreement, the dread of his inevitable conversation beginning
to settle in. He couldn’t find it in himself to care when he had Regulus resting against his body.

“Where’s Sirius?” James asked his mother. It was past ten and the rain had barely let up all
afternoon. He could hear the lashing against the windows, and he was beginning to be slightly
concerned that Sirius hadn’t returned yet.

“Not sure, I’m sure he’s just gone to Remus’ to wait out the rain,” Effie replied. “Night sweetie,”
she said, kissing him on the cheek before departing the drawing room. James frowned and looked
out into the dark night. He opened the tall patio doors and walked out onto the terrace, hiding under
the awning from the pounding rain, and lit a cigarette. He needed to tell Sirius sooner than later,
otherwise he’d lose his nerve. And he had to tell him. They told each other everything, ever since
they were eleven. James remembered the first time Sirius ever spoke to him, it was their second
day at Hogwarts Boarding school and James had still been feeling nervous. He was missing his
parents, and Remus, and the freedom of Godric’s Hollow. Sirius had been standing next to him in
assembly twisting restlessly on his legs when he leaned over and whispered in James’ ear, “I just
farted.” James had burst out into a fit of giggles, and that had set off Sirius. They had both
proceeded to get detention for disrupting the assembly, setting a new record at the school for the
quickest detentions. James didn’t mind, and since that day they had been inseparable.
James was thinking about those school days when he noticed a small glimmer of light in the far
distance, coming from the edge of the tree line. It was the hideaway, James realised. Sirius and
Remus must have taken shelter there. James perked up at the idea of a rainy evening in the
hideaway and thought that it might be the perfect situation to tell him about Regulus. He could
butter him up with some whiskey, and at least Remus might stop him from getting violent. James
darted inside and swiped a bottle of whiskey from the bar before grabbing one of the large golf
umbrellas leant against the door. He opened the umbrella and ran out into the rain, splashing
through the muddy lawn and down to the hideaway.

His shoes were nearly soaked by the time he made it close, the rain had been washing straight off
the dry, parched earth and left large puddles across the yellow grass. He let down his umbrella
when he finally reached the tree line and approached the shack. The warm orange glow from the
gas lamp inside was spilling out of the edges of the panelling. James was about to open the door
when he heard a muffled moan. He paused, reaching for the handle, unsure of he had heard
correctly. The distinctive moan came through again and James could recognise that it was Sirius.
James’ face flushed red as he realised what he was listening to. Had Sirius brought Mary to the
hideaway? He couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed that he hadn’t been informed of this new
development, especially considering what a huge step it was for him.

James was about to turn and sneak back up to the house, leaving Sirius to it when another,
distinctively male, and instantaneously recognisable voice carried through the crack in the door.

“Fuck. Sirius,” Remus moaned. James’ blood ran cold, and his stomach began churning with
betrayal. Sirius and Remus were shagging. His two best friends were hidden away in the woods,
and they were shagging. Thumping noises against the side of the shed became more frantic and
James turned on the spot and ran. He sprinted up to the house, not stopping to even open the
umbrella.

He burst through the door, chest heaving and blood boiling. He was so fucking angry. His two best
friends, and they had been fucking off together everyday for the best part of two weeks. James
opened the whiskey he was holding and took a few long gulps. He didn’t know why he was so
angry, just that he was, and it thrummed in his veins like ice. They told each other everything, and
Sirius hadn’t told him this. He had been twisting himself in a knot with guilt about Regulus and the
whole time he had been sleeping with Remus. James paced around the room for a few minutes,
willing himself to calm down.

Eventually, when his breathing had settled, and he had tempered slightly he stumbled up the stairs
and towards his bedroom. He paused at the door and looked across to the hall to Regulus’ room.
Fuck it, he thought, if Sirius was going to keep secrets from him, he could keep his own. James
crossed the corridor and slowly pressed open the bedroom door. He stood on the threshold for a
moment, looking at Regulus’ prone figure, he looked lovely, lying against the white cotton sheets.
Regulus’ eyes blinked open at the sudden stream of light pouring into his room.

“James?” he murmured.

“Can I come in?” James asked in a weak voice. Regulus squinted against the light and nodded. He
scooted over on the bed slightly and lifted the duvet for James. James felt the ice in his veins
finally ebb away with relief and he stepped into the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him.
He crawled under the blanket and immediately clung to Regulus, wrapping his arms tightly around
him and pushing his face into his neck, breathing in the cool, fresh scent of his sheets. Regulus
returned the gesture, pulling James tightly against him.

“Did you tell him?” he asked softly. James shook his head against Regulus’ shoulder.
“Can this just be ours, for a while longer?” James asked.

“Yes. Yeah James it can,” Regulus breathed out.

Regulus pushed against James gently, so he was lying on his back, and pressed a sweet chaste kiss
against James’ mouth. “Why are you all wet?”

“It’s raining,” James said. Regulus chuckled slightly at the response but didn’t push it any further.
He continued kissing James tenderly, moving to his neck and collar. James shivered at the
sensation, Regulus looked up at him with wide, innocuous eyes and then ducked his head below
the covers.

“What are you do-” James’ question was cut off by the sensation of Regulus pulling down his
trousers and quickly engulfing him with his mouth. James nearly bucked Regulus off with the
surprise and the sudden blissful feeling waving through him.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Regulus’ muffled voice filtered from under the covers. James
covered his face with his arm and tried to calm his heartbeat. He would never get enough of this, of
Regulus, in whatever form it would take. All thoughts of Sirius and Remus were wiped from his
mind, he would deal with those feelings tomorrow. Tonight, he would savour every sweet
sensation.
 Chapter 8

Remus

“Nothing simple about you Remus!” James had called down from his perch on the second floor of
the manor. Remus saw Sirius’ eager face peering over the windowsill, bright eyed and shining as
he always seemed to be. Remus’s heart leapt in response to that brilliant grin and he tried to temper
his racing thoughts. Sirius was moving in permanently and Remus was just going to have to get a
hold of himself. Remus waved them off and picked up his wheelbarrow to continue lumbering
along the path towards the small vegetable garden at the side of the house, desperately trying to
keep his mind focused on the task at hand. He passed a pleasant few hours weeding the crops and
collecting the ripe vegetables in a basket for Bertie.

“Looks like it’ll be courgette for the next few weeks,” he said to Bertie a while later. He walked
into the bright kitchen of the Potter manor where Bertie was bundling around, preparing dinner for
the evening.

“Oh good, although I’m going to have to find new ways to cook it. James is always so fussy about
courgette, when he was a boy I used to have to mash them up in the stews so he wouldn’t notice.”
Bertie said. Remus huffed a laugh, Bertie always spoke about him and James as if they were still
children, she clearly still viewed them as boys. He didn’t mind, he rather enjoyed the reminder that
he was only nineteen.

“Bring this to your father, would you?” Bertie said, bundling a few slices of fruitcake into a napkin
and pressing it into his hands.

“Thanks Bertie,” he said with a fond smile.

He trudged down the steep hill at the back of the mansion towards his small stone cottage. As he
approached, he saw his father’s boots outside the door, indicating he was already home for the day.
He entered the house directly into the front room, instinctively bowing his head to avoid hitting it
on the low threshold. His dad was reclined on the sofa listening to the wireless with a bottle of beer
in his hand. Remus glanced around the small smoky room and saw several empty bottles scattered
around the place. Lyall had started early today clearly. Remus sighed and began clearing the
bottles.

“Bertie brought some fruitcake,” he said.

“Mmm,” his dad murmured back. His eyes were sagged closed and Remus wasn’t sure he was
listening.

“I fixed up the vegetable garden, and I think I’m making progress on that hydrangea,” he
continued. His father didn’t respond, listening to the gentle music instead. "It’s only four dad, I
can’t keep picking up your slack, Monty will notice,” he said.

“Monty wasn’t too high and mighty to stand beside me at the Somme, he’s not about to kick me
out of my own home,” Lyall replied with some bite.

“He might do, just to get some reaction out of you. You can’t keep going on this way, it’s not
healthy.”

“I suppose you know all about what’s healthy now do you?” Lyall said. “I suppose you never take
a drink when you’re off with your fancy boys,” Remus flinched at the venom in his father’s tone.

“I don’t have any ‘fancy boys’” Remus snapped back.

“Oh piss off son,” Lyall said. Remus frowned and resisted the urge to snap back at his father. He
was drunk, as he often was, and he really could be quite kind when he was sober. Remus knew the
fight wasn’t worth it right now. He brought the bottles into the small kitchen and splashed his face
with water at the sink. He didn’t fancy staying at the cottage while his dad was like this, so he
quickly washed, changed and headed to the hideaway to wait for James.

When he got to the hideaway, he eased himself down onto the creaky sofa, his hip was stiff after a
long day. He poured himself a drink and picked up his book and settled in to wait. It had not been
his choice and his eyebrows had raised significantly when it was suggested. He had wondered if he
should warn Effie about the contents of the book, but one look at her twinkling eyes made it clear
that the ladies knew exactly what they were in for. He let out a laboured sigh and flicked to the first
page.

‘Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we
are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather
hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the
obstacles. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.’

Hmm, Remus thought, maybe it wouldn’t be quite the chore he anticipated. He spent the next
couple of hours devouring the book’s first chapters before the door was flung open to announce the
presence of James and Sirius. Remus’ heartbeat stuttered slightly when Sirius threw himself down
next to him and he did his best to remain casually unaffected by his close presence.

“I can show you if you want?” Remus said, shocked at his own brashness. He played if off as a
joke, laughing with James as they exited the shed. But as he glanced back at Sirius’ shocked
expression, he knew that it was the furthest from joking he’d ever been.

Remus first met Sirius when they were both thirteen years old. Sirius had come to stay with James
over the Easter holidays. His parents were off in France with Regulus and Sirius had somehow
convinced them to let him stay with James. No doubt, the Potter name was enough to convince
them. At least it had been before they had been deemed undesirable to the Black’s. Remus had run
as fast as he could to the hideaway on the Saturday morning of their Easter holiday, awaiting
James’ return. James had written him and told him his friend was coming to visit. Remus
remembered that he had felt extremely jealous of this other boy that went to James’ school. James
would come home and wax poetic about his new friend, and Remus didn’t much care for the fact.

That morning, however, he was nearly vibrating with excitement to see his old friend. He missed
James terribly when he went away, he didn’t really get on with the other boys at school. They were
always playing sports that he couldn’t join in with and mooning after girls. Also, most of them were
dumb as doornails, and would tease Remus for having his nose in a book all the time. The girls
were his saving grace, Mary in particular had always been a firm friend. But they rarely wanted to
get into trouble in the way James was always so willing to do.

So he had run to the hideaway and eagerly anticipated their arrival. When James bounded into to
shed and launched himself on top of Remus, Remus felt his heart jump with relief. It was a minute
later that another body joined them, burying Remus in a pile of limbs. Remus could see Sirius’
bright grin and long glossy hair looming over him as he lay on the ground and felt all jealousy seep
out of his body in seconds. Sirius’ dark grey eyes peered down at him, and Remus knew that he
had never seen anything so beautiful in his life. When James and Sirius had finally freed him from
where he was pinned down, Sirius held out his hand in greeting. “Sirius Black at your service,” he
said.

“Remus Lupin,” he replied, reaching out for his hand.

“Alright gentlemen, enough of the pleasantries,” James teased before launching into a detailed
description of his journey down from Scotland. Remus couldn’t stop himself from darting looks
over at Sirius. At thirteen, he hadn’t had much experience with attraction, or love. And it took him
a few years to realise that’s what it was. But from that moment on Remus was transfixed by Sirius.

Lily’s face flushed brilliantly as Remus swung her around the dancefloor of the village dance. Her
deep dimples were accentuated by her bright smile. If Remus were to marry a woman, he thought,
it would probably be Lily. But he was certain that he would never, while he wasn’t exactly immune
to the charms of women, he had never been nearly as affected as he had by men. Particularly one
man. Besides, James would likely murder him if he even came close. Remus noticed that Lily’s
eyes flicked over to James’ figure every now and then, and he thought it was curious. He was
certain that she had no feelings at all towards him. Remus watched as James left the hall, following
Regulus closely behind. No doubt forcing his friendship upon the poor guy. James’ affable
affectations shone on everyone he came near, he loved easily and fiercely, and he simply could not
tolerate the idea that someone wouldn’t be his friend.

Sirius was also dancing, with Mary, Remus noticed. They looked very attractive with each other,
and Remus couldn’t keep his eyes off the way Sirius’ hand was holding tightly onto Mary’s waist,
or the way she seemed to be encouraging it. Remus forced himself to look away, he was going to
have to get over his infatuation. Sirius was a fucking toff, a straight one at that, and he was going to
be a permanent fixture in Remus’ life for the foreseeable future. At least until he decided that he
did in fact want to go to university, or traipse off to London, or get married. Remus couldn’t spend
his days fantasising about pulling Sirius body against his own and sweeping his long hair from his
face.

Later in the evening, Remus found himself flanked on either side by Mary and Lily, he had an arm
around them both and was happy to let their chatting blend into the background as he enjoyed the
gentle buzz from the whiskey he was drinking. He was getting irritable, simply by being in the
presence of Sirius. And it had only been a few hours, how he was going to cope for months on end,
he had no idea. He scanned the room and let his gaze stop on William. He was looking his way, a
heated intent in his stare. William was a burly bloke, a bit dim, but gave good enough hand jobs
despite his calloused palms. The girls got up to get their coats and Sirius flung himself down next
to Remus. Remus could smell his chestnut and apple aftershave waft over him, a sweet and
expensive aroma that left him a little breathless. He needed to get this out of his system, decision
made he nodded subtly to William and bid farewell to James and Sirius. He stood and walked
purposefully out of the hall, knowing that without a doubt William would be following.

Sure enough, he had barely made it down the lane when William caught up with him.

“Alright Remus,” he said.

“Alright Will,” Remus replied.

“How about it then?” William asked. Remus nearly rolled his eyes; he sure knew how to woo a
guy. But wooing wasn’t what Remus was looking for right now, so he glanced around him to make
sure that the coast was clear and pulled the other man down a small alleyway. William
immediately latched himself onto Remus face, kissing roughly and with too much tongue. His large
hands grabbed at Remus indelicately and groped him wantonly. William was never one for taking
things slow, and his movements were as delicate a bull.

“Come back to my barn,” William gasped out between kisses.

“Too far,” Remus replied, moving his hand to knead William’s crotch.

“I’ll let you fuck me,”

Remus couldn’t deny that a shiver of desire ran through him at those words. But a heavy weight
also settled in his stomach, he just wanted it over and done with. A quick release to get Sirius off
his mind. “I’m not shagging you in your fucking cow shed,” he mumbled back.

“Didn’t stop you before.”

That was true, but Remus felt that he matured somewhat since his and William’s teenage fumbling
and he honestly was already bored with this interaction. Before Remus could press the issue that he
would not be going back to the barn, William stopped his ministrations and looked down with
frown.

“Er- everything alright?”

Remus looked down at his crotch, entirely uninvolved and unexcited by this whole affair. He never
usually had this issue, and he felt himself sag against the wall.

“Yeah… sorry I think I’m just not in the mood.” Remus said, rather dejectedly. Apparently Sirius’
presence was having a rather inconvenient effect on his competence, and it seemed that the
problem was only getting worse the older they got. William nodded and stepped back slightly.

“You could just blow me?”

“Fuck off,” Remus said sharply before turning on his heel and walking back up the alleyway.

“You fuck off, I’m not even gay anyway,” Remus couldn’t help but scoff as he continued on his
way.

He made his way towards the hideaway, stopping when he saw it in the distance, he climbed the
small stone wall that led to the field he had to cross and perched on it for a while. He chain-
smoked a few cigarettes, gathering the strength to go join the festivities. Not only would he have to
be in a confined space with the man who had been the centre of all of his fantasies since he was old
enough to think of such things, he would have to watch him flirt outrageously with Mary.

Eventually, he decided it was about time he faced the music and made his way to the shack. He
immediately regretted this decision when he looked upon the scene that had apparently unfolded in
his absence. They were playing spin the bottle. Now he was going to have to watch Sirius snogging
some girls. Perfect.

James kissed him surprisingly eagerly and pushed him back slightly until he was resting on his
hands. It was certainly an unexpected turn of events and Remus had to admit, it stirred him
somewhat more effectively than William had. But it also felt extremely strange, James was
basically his brother. He was about to push James off and laugh it off, but James deepened the kiss
and let out a soft moan. Remus’ eyes widened in surprise, and it was only when James jolted back
in shock that Remus had to try to stop himself laughing too hard. Remus felt immediately bad for
James, his pink cheeks and deep-set frown made him look like a pouting kid and Remus felt it
would be quite unfair to tease him too harshly. It was when he caught sight of Sirius that his heart
began to thump loudly, Sirius was staring between the two of them, gawping widely.

Sirius eventually came and sat next to Remus as the group abandoned the game and they sat
quietly for a moment. Remus couldn’t find the words to begin a conversation, he always felt
incredibly speechless around the man.

“That was pretty mental,” Sirius said eventually.

Remus huffed. “Yeah, was like kissing my brother,” Remus replied. Sirius smiled at that.

“What about that fella from the dance?”

“What about him?”

“What was kissing him like?” Sirius asked.

“Why do you want to know?”

“Just curious?”

Remus shrugged. “Alright, gets the job done.” Remus couldn’t resist teasing the blush from Sirius.

“I don’t really. I’ve never kissed a bloke before,” Sirius said. “What else did you do? Did he suck
you off?” Remus snorted from the shock of the question and Sirius immediately retreated into
himself, as if caught out. “Sorry not my business.”

“No its okay, no he didn’t.”

“Oh, so you…?”

“No! We didn’t do anything.”

“Oh right.” Sirius paused for a moment; mouth screwed up in concentration. “But you have before?
And have you, you know…”

“Have I what?” Remus asked, curious about the line of questioning. Sirius leaned in close to
Remus, lowering his voice to not be heard.

“Well have you shagged a bloke before, like properly?” Remus couldn’t avoid laughing at the
question, his heart was beating rapidly, and Sirius was sitting close enough that he could smell his
fresh shampoo. He chuckled and nodded, pleased to see the blush that spread across Sirius’ face.
Sirius’ eyes widened and he sat back, as if in wonder. After a moment he broke out into a wide
smile and both he and Remus began laughing heartedly.

Sirius had offered to come help him with his work the next morning. Remus couldn’t find it in
himself to say no or find a reasonable excuse. He could always do with an extra pair of hands,
especially with his father’s rather lacklustre support. But it didn’t make it any easier to watch Sirius
with his sleeves rolled up, huffing and groaning as he carried sacks across the farmyard. It was
worse when he needed to fix one of the stone walls towards the end of the property and Sirius
rather diligently heaved rocks across the field for Remus to skilfully stack against each other. He
should probably go see William after all, he thought. A shag was probably all he needed.

But he had to admit that it was more than Sirius’ good looks, or his charismatic public-school
charm that had Remus in knots. Remus really liked him. Sirius had the same dirty sense of humour
and was always eager to laugh. He also seemed to find Remus’ frustrated grumbling funny, rather
than annoying. Remus found that he really did enjoy spending time with him, and he hated himself
for it. Every moment spent in Sirius’ presence was going to make the absence so much harsher. He
was beginning to get a bit irritable at the whole thing really. Himself, Sirius, or the fucking stone
wall, he couldn’t be sure what was pissing him off more.

“So tell me what shagging a bloke is like then?” Sirius said chirpily as he dropped a large rock at
Remus’ feet. Remus had just about enough of the questions, they were riling him up in a way that
he knew he would never get any relief from. Tomorrow he would tell Sirius that he could not under
any circumstances help him on the farm anymore. With a burst of frustration, desire, or anger, he
pushed Sirius until his back hit the wall and pressed his body tight against him. He had a hand
gripped around the back of his neck and his face mere inches away from Sirius’.

“I told you, if you’re so curious I could show you,” he growled. Remus was about to push away,
sure that that would have been enough to warn Sirius away from his line of questioning when
Sirius did something quite unexpected. He wrapped his arms around Remus, holding him close to
his body.

“Go on then,” he said through a smirk. Sirius pushed forwards and kissed Remus gently. Remus’
stomach dropped with the speed in which his anger transformed into surprise and arousal. Sirius
did not appear to have any qualms with kissing him, despite his fascination with kissing a bloke,
and he inched Remus’ mouth open with his tongue. Remus felt Sirius shifting against him and
moaning quietly, entirely enraptured. Remus responded in kind, wrapping his arms around Sirius,
and taking what he was being offered, taking what he had fantasised about for years. They stood
there snogging for what felt like hours but was probably closer to fifteen minutes before Remus
finally pulled away, slightly out of breath, and incredibly roused.

He looked at Sirius’ heaving chest, waiting for the panic to set in, the familiar sounds of denial that
he wasn’t actually interested in men, he was just seeing what it was all about. Things Remus had
heard before from men in the village. But that never came, instead he was greeted with a sweet,
shy smile that produced an uncomfortable flutter in his chest.

“Um… we better get back to it,” Remus mumbled. Sirius nodded, not taking his eyes of Remus for
a moment. They continued to stack rocks on the wall. However, this time, whenever Sirius would
walk over with a rock he would press a chaste kiss against Remus’ mouth before strolling off to
collect another one, as if Remus’ kisses were his reward for his manual labour. Remus was fucked,
he knew it. Only Sirius would be as fucking adorable as that, and frankly Remus knew he was too
far gone. There was no willing away his feelings towards him any longer, and if Sirius was just in
it for a quick snog every now and then, Remus would be a willing participant, despite the aching in
his heart.

Remus floated back to his cottage, feeling lighter than he ever had. He couldn’t get the feeling of
Sirius’ mouth out of his mind. He traced his lips with his fingers, trying to feel the whisper of the
sweet touch. He was in such a good mood that the anticipation of what state his father would be in
wasn’t even bothering him. He entered his cottage, ducking his head to avoid the door beam and
blinked around in surprise. His dad wasn’t in the sitting room and there was a wafting smell of
cooking coming from the kitchen. He tread carefully into the kitchen and poked his head around
the corner just to see his very frazzled looking father bent over the top of a large stew pot.

“Dad?” he said.

“Oh there you are Remus, set the table will you, I’m making mutton stew.”

Remus blinked with surprise, quite unable to believe what he was seeing. “You’re making dinner?”
“No need to look so surprised, now get to it,” Remus raised his hands in defeat, please to see his
father on such good form and began setting the table. A few minutes later Lyall walked out with a
steaming pot of stew and placed it in the centre of the table. He stood back and appraised the small
wonky table and the slightly watery stew and nodded, pleased with his work. Remus chuckled and
placed a hand on Lyall’s shoulder.

“Looks great dad.”

“Something smells nice,” Bertie’s voice rang out as she entered the cottage. Remus twisted around
in surprise at the new entrant to the cottage. “I brought some sourdough, baked fresh of course.”

“Bertie!” Remus said, surprised to see her.

“I’ve invited Bertie over to eat dinner with us, to thank her for the fruitcake.” Lyall said quickly.
Remus turned a high eyebrowed expression to his father as Bertie retreated to the kitchen to find a
bread knife. Lyall simply waved Remus down, hurrying his son to take a seat.

Remus had an unexpectedly pleasant afternoon eating dinner with Bertie and Lyall and couldn’t
help but laugh heartily at all Lyall’s awful jokes. When he was on good form, he could be quite
funny. Remus smiled at his father, blathering incoherently about some chicken and some road
while Bertie chuckled along, apparently enthralled. He liked Lyall like this and wished he could
see this side of his father more often. Remus knew that his father had left a piece of himself over in
France and had lost the rest when his mother died. But he desperately longed for the day his father
could take comfort in something other than a bottle. He smiled as he watched Bertie and Lyall
chuckling heartedly, hoping that he was witnessing a spark of healing.

Remus felt nervous the following day, unsure of what had happened the previous day was a one-off
experiment or if Sirius would want to do it again. Remus knew that there was no way he would
deny him if he did, no matter how much he knew it was going to inevitably hurt him in the long
run. He would savour every sweet moment with Sirius and store it away for the inevitable day that
he got bored. It was at breakfast when Sirius leaned over and murmured “I’ll help you”, that his
heart began to flutter with painful hope.

The group had been speaking about the crisis with Germany. He couldn’t help but think of his
mother. he tried not to think of her in general. He felt guilty for it, but the thought of her twisted in
his gut like a knife. He had been the reason she had died after all, if his father hadn’t saved him
first, maybe he could have gotten to her in time. As much as he tried to not think about it, every
time he looked down at his torso he was reminded due to the mottled skin of the healed burns
covering his chest. He couldn’t really remember his mother, maybe a melodic song, and the smell
of fresh roses, but he wasn’t sure if they were real memories or not. He didn’t like to think about
what was happening in Poland either, the fact that he had no idea who he was related to there, and
he couldn’t even speak the language, made him feel like he betrayed his mother’s memory
significantly.

He walked down to the fields with Sirius in a tense silence. Remus opened the steel gate to allow
Sirius ahead of him and blushed when he was met by a coy smile. Remus had never felt so nervous
before and didn’t say anything, he often found it difficult to find the words and grimaced as he
trudged through the fields, watching Sirius’ form in front of him. When they arrived at the fallow
field, yellowing due to the lack of rainfall, he frowned, placing his hands on his hips to assess the
work needing to be done.

It was as he was finally getting distracted by the amount of work he had ahead of him that he felt
Sirius’ arms snake around his waist from behind and the soft kisses brushing against his neck.
Remus sighed and relaxed his body into Sirius’ embrace, tilting his head to provide easier access
for the other man. He felt the keen wash of relief descend over him as it became clear that more
snogging was definitely on the table.

They headed back to the manor for lunch and were quickly accosted by James who brightly
announced that they would all be swimming for the afternoon. Remus felt his heart drop slightly,
not that he didn’t want to spend time with James, but it certainly meant that all plans for an
afternoon of snogging Sirius was off the table. He excused himself quickly, quite sure that the
sight of Sirius in his trunks would send him over the edge into madness. He spent the afternoon
fixing the edges of the flowerbeds, doing his best to resolutely not look towards the swimming lake
where he knew Sirius was stretched out.

Sirius jogged over to him a while later, after he had stored away his shovel and brushed the soil
from his hands. He was unashamedly half-naked, wearing tiny swim shorts. His dark hair was
swept away from his face, the ends still slightly wet from the water.

“Can I see you later?” Sirius said.

“Later?”

“Yeah, tonight I mean. I’ll sneak out when James is in bed. Meet me in the hideaway.”

“Um… yeah okay,” Remus’ tried to keep his voice steady despite the roaring in his ears.

Remus arrived at the hideaway early and paced around the small room wracked with anxiety. He
twisted his hands and wondered if this was a bad idea, it most likely was, and he should probably
just leave. His feet wouldn’t let him though and so he paced the room uneasily awaiting Sirius’
arrival. Just as he was beginning to have serious doubts about this whole thing, he heard the door
click open and Sirius was standing by the entrance. The flickering light of the gas lamp lit up his
features as he smiled shyly at Remus.

“Sorry I’m late, I nearly ran straight into James in the corridor, had to run back to my room.”

Remus stood across the room from him, unable to speak for a few moments before his longing
overcame his anxiety. He strode forwards towards Sirius in several long paces, grabbed Sirius’
face in his hands and kissed him. Sirius melted against him, wrapping his arms around his back
immediately. Remus could barely stop for breath as he wrapped Sirius up in his arms and snogged
him thoroughly, his movements becoming ragged and eager.

“I want-“ Sirius’ words were cut off with Remus’ kiss. Remus had brought his hand up to Sirius’
head, stroking through his long hair delicately. Sirius pulled his face away gently, slightly out of
breath from the onslaught. “I want to have sex with you Moony.” Sirius said firmly. Remus
groaned with desire and dropped his head forward against Sirius’ chest, trying to gather himself
together. He nearly whined when Sirius whispered into his ear, “please.”

“Are you- are you sure?” Remus managed to pant. “You haven’t done anything like that before?”

“I’m sure.” Sirius said determinedly. “I didn’t know I had a chance before the other night, I want
you so bad Remus. Please.”

Remus scrunched up his eyes and his head remained bowed as he tried to maintain some level of
decorum. Sure, Sirius might want this now, but who’s saying what he’ll want tomorrow.
“But you’re- what about Mary?”

“I tried lying to myself, to everyone. But I’ve known for a while its men I want. It’s you I want.
Please.”

Please please please. He kept saying that damned word, clearly not aware of the affect it was
having on Remus’ sanity. Eventually Remus lifted his head and met Sirius’ eye, he stroked a
thumb across Sirius’ cheek and looked at him with intent. Trying to see if there was a hint of a lie,
or uncertainty in his features. But the pleading grey eyes that stared back at him conveyed the
depths of Sirius’ desire. Remus nodded slowly and Sirius broke out into a wide grin, he pushed
forwards to capture Remus in another heated kiss.

“You’re going to have to take the lead though mate, I’ve no bloody idea what I’m doing here.”

Remus chuckled lowly and began backing Sirius up towards the couch. “Please don’t call me mate
right now,” he mumbled against Sirius’ lips, quite unwilling to detach himself for even a moment.

Remus spent the next week in a heightened sense of bliss, he wasn’t aware he could be so happy.
The heavy feeling that felt permanently entrenched in his stomach had lifted for the first time in
what felt like his life. Sirius and Remus would spend their days on the farm, Remus taught Sirius
how to reshoe a horse, properly weed a garden, and how to drive a tractor. All which Sirius had
attacked with enthusiasm and demanded rewards for his hard work in the form of hidden kisses in
the shadows of the stables, or the lonely expanses of the fields. Remus often admonished Sirius for
distracting him from his work, but secretly savoured every moment. They would meet each night at
the hideaway and discover the planes of each other’s bodies, he found new ways to make Sirius
gasp and repeatedly teased the sacred sounds from the other man’s lips.

“I need to tell James,” Sirius had said a few days after they had begun their nightly routine. They
were both naked, sat on the floor, with their backs to the sofa, skin gleaming slightly under the
flickering glow of the lamp. Remus took a drag of his cigarette and frowned.

“We can’t, not yet.”

“Why not? He’d be okay with it, I’m sure of it.”

“You liking blokes, definitely. But you and me? I’m not so sure Sirius. He’ll feel like we’ve gone
off without him, leaving him behind. After all he’s done for the both of us.”

“James doesn’t have a resentful bone in his body, he would never.”

Remus thought about it, that was true. But something was tugging at him, pressing him to keep this
a secret. Whether it was because he simply wanted to savour the secret moments for a while longer
or if he really was worried about James’ reaction, he wasn’t sure. He turned to look at Sirius, his
hair slightly ruffled and his long slim torso glistening with sweat. Remus knew that the truth was
he didn’t quite believe it, that this could actually be real. Sirius had been the centre of every wild
fantasy he had since he had met him, and the years of longing made him cautious. He didn’t want
to tell James in case that was the thing that broke the spell, and the entire thing would dissolve into
a wistful dream.

“I can’t explain it, I just need a bit more time before we tell him,” Remus said eventually. Sirius
considered him a moment but nodded gently, agreeing to hold off. Remus could see that it didn’t
come naturally to Sirius and was it quite painful for him to keep anything from James. Although
Remus and James had been friends much longer, he recognised a dependency within Sirius, he and
James had their formative years shaped together and James had seen Sirius through his worst
traumas. Remus felt bad that he was responsible for eroding that bond in any way, but he just
needed more time. Sirius leaned forwards and began sucking bruises against Remus’ collar,
moving his hand down his chest, and gently caressing his scars. He kissed Remus sweetly as he
moved his hand towards Remus’ crotch and Remus groaned at the sensation, taking another last
drag of his cigarette. One thing about Sirius, is that once he decided what he wanted, he was quite
insatiable.

A few days later, as the heavens finally opened and the sweet relief of rain poured down, Remus
found himself in the hideaway with Sirius. They had run for cover and taken shelter in the small
shack, wrapping a blanket around their bodies as they lounged against each other. Sirius had his
head resting in Remus lap and Remus gently stroked through Sirius’ hair as he continued to read
his book. Sirius’ eyes had drooped closed at the gentle petting.

“Read me a bit,” Sirius said quietly.

“Um…” Remus hesitated as his eyes flicked over the pages. He cleared his throat awkwardly
before proceeding to read from the chapter in front of him. “Oh, don't tease him,' said Connie,
crawling on her knees on the bed towards him and putting her arms round his white slender loins,
and drawing him to her so that her hanging, swinging breasts touched the tip of the stirring, erect
phallos, and caught the drop of moisture. She held the man fast…”

“Excuse me?!” Sirius shrieked in alarm, he jolted upright and turned to face Remus. His sleepy
disposition now entirely overtaken by a scandalised expression. Remus bit his lip to keep from
laughing. “Have you been reading pornography this whole time?” Sirius said with a slightly
hysterical edge to his tone. He whipped the book from Remus hands and frowned down at it
flicking back and forth through the pages.

“It’s for the book club,” Remus mumbled, not willing to admit that he was actually rather enjoying
it.

“Effie’s reading it?!” Sirius’ voice had reached a cartoonishly high pitch, and his eyes glazed over
in horror with the knowledge of his surrogate mother’s reading habits.

“It’s quite good actually, there’s one bit where she decorates his penis with flowers,” Remus
teased. “It’s giving me some ideas.” Sirius’ jaw dropped open in shock. Remus couldn’t help but
laugh, considering what they had been getting up to the last few days, he found it difficult to
believe Sirius could still be such a prude. The other man’s pink cheeks were ridiculously endearing
however, and Remus felt bewildered that Sirius was still able to be as adorable as he had ever been.

“I mean, I guess… if that was something you wanted…” Sirius said, ducking his eyes bashfully.
Remus burst out in laughter and pushed forward to press a kiss against Sirius’ mouth.

“God I love you,” he murmured, wrapping his hand around the back of Sirius’ neck to pull him
closer. He quickly froze as finally processed what he had just said. He snapped his eyes open to be
met with Sirius’ wide-eyed stare. He pulled back quickly, “Oh shit… I didn’t mean to say…” he
trailed off as his panic began to rise. He could feel himself becoming extremely hot and his
breathing became laboured. He jumped up from the couch and strode quickly to the door. “Just
forget I said that, I should probably go. I’m sorry I…” he trailed off again as he became even more
flustered. He flung the door open to be met with a waterfall of torrential rain, he grimaced as he
realised he was going to have to run full pelt through the rain in order to avoid the inevitable
rejection heading his way. Remus stopped, however, when he felt Sirius’ arm tug him gently back
into the shack. Sirius backed him up against a wall and kissed him deeply, running his hands over
his arms and shoulders reverently.

“I love you too, I have for years,” Sirius said quietly. Remus thought he might actually start crying,
he whimpered softly at the words.

“Me too Sirius, I was lost the moment I saw you.” Sirius’ eyes darkened and he launched himself at
Remus with renewed vigour, peppering kisses across his face. Remus felt a swoop of desire, and
relief, and he felt so overwhelmed. He channelled all his swirling emotions into Sirius and twisted
them around, so Sirius was pinned against the wall of the shack. After a what felt like hours of
Remus caressing Sirius’ body and assailing him with kisses, Remus found himself plastered against
Sirius’ back. Remus thrust into Sirius, desperately clutching his hand that was splayed against the
wall, savouring the sweet moans Sirius was making.

“Fuck, Sirius,” he groaned against the other man’s neck. He didn’t know how long he would have
this, if it was even real or just a wonderful dream, but he wanted to devour every moment, every
morsel that Sirius was willing to give him.

Remus strolled home to his cottage, ready to take a quick bath and head off for the day. He didn’t
even feel tired, the happiness seeping into his bones as he lifted his face up to the sky to feel the
early morning rays of sunshine. He crunched through the dew dropped grass and picked a few wild
tulips, gathering them together to give to Bertie later in the day. He opened his cottage door and
was met with the gloomy remnants of one of his father’s benders. He sighed heavily as he saw the
shadow of his father’s figure laying out on the couch, bottles of whiskey and beer strewn about the
cottage. It had clearly been one of his bad nights. Remus walked to the small sitting room window
and threw open the curtains, opening one of the windows to let some air into the stuffy room.

“C’mon dad, at least go up to bed,” he said as he began clearing up bottles. “Dad, get up.” He
repeated once he had returned from the kitchen to collect some more. He didn’t get a response
from his father, not even a rumpled groan. Remus turned and faced his father’s figure, abruptly
aware of the pale hue of his skin and his eery stillness.

“Dad?” Remus said again, his voice trembled slightly. He was unable to move, scared of what he
knew in his heart he was about to discover. “Pa please get up,” he whimpered quietly. The bottles
in his hands crashed to the floor as it sunk in, his father’s skin was unearthly grey, and his chest
was entirely motionless.

Remus collapsed forwards and knelt next to his dad’s body, he reached over and shook his father’s
limp form with his hands. “Pa, please wake up. You have to wake up,” he wept. His chest was
heaving and his face felt wet from tears. It couldn’t be true, he couldn’t have lost him, not now, he
wasn’t ready. “Papa,” Remus sobbed, burying his face into Lyall’s chest, and heaving out great
bursts of anguish.

He remained there, clutching onto his dead father for what seemed like hours. When he didn’t have
the energy to sob any further, he slumped down next to the settee and sat facing the window in a
daze. He remained there as the morning light began to stream in, he remained there even as the
cottage door opened, and James ran in. He remained staring out the small square window as James
cried out for Monty and wrapped Remus in his arms, not letting him go even as people began
streaming into the cottage.
 Chapter 9
Chapter Notes

Sorry this chapter is so late!

James

James came to consciousness slowly. His limbs were pressed heavy into the soft mattress and an
overwhelming feeling of contentedness washed over him. He felt the press of a second pair of legs
wrapped up with his in the tangle of the silky sheets and Regulus’ arms clung tightly around his
chest from behind. James smiled to himself and thought of the blissful events of the day before. He
pulled the arms tight around him and nestled himself further into Regulus’ embrace. Regulus made
a slightly disgruntled noise at the brief disturbance and pressed his leg across James’ body,
attempting to stop James’ wriggling. James felt himself drift away again into a peaceful slumber,
Regulus’ sturdy form encasing him in its hold. He could smell the fresh rain from the night before
wafting through an open window and the gentle chirps of birdsong welcoming the day.

It was only when the faint smell of bacon began wafting up from the kitchen below that he blinked
his eyes open and he became aware of his surroundings. He regretfully realised that he needed to
leave Regulus’ room before anyone came looking for him. James shifted away from Regulus and
tried to crawl out of the bed without disturbing him too much but was quickly pulled back into
Regulus’ body. Regulus let out a dissatisfied mumble, still asleep but clearly unhappy that his
human pillow was leaving him. James laughed fondly and turned in Regulus’ arms to kiss him. A
small smile spread across the other man’s sleeping face and James began peppering small kisses
across his cheeks as he gently disentangled himself from Regulus’ hold and climbed out of the bed.
Regulus mumbled again and grabbed a pillow, clutching onto it as a replacement for James. James
looked down at his sleeping form, the soft morning light highlighted his angelic features and
effortlessly tussled curls. James felt that familiar swoop in his heart that had become so common
over the past few days.

James crept to Regulus’ door and peered outside to check the coast was clear before darting across
the corridor to the bathroom. He showered quickly and was walking back to his own room when he
was confronted with Sirius creeping up the stairs. Sirius was wearing the clothes he had on the day
before, they were considerably more dishevelled, and his shirt was on inside out. James raised an
eyebrow at Sirius’ guilty expression. He had always been useless at hiding his emotions and James
could see right through him.

“You’re up early,” James said, slightly resentfully.

“Er yeah, couldn’t sleep so went for a walk,” Sirius said. James nodded shortly. How Sirius
expected him to believe that he had no idea, but he went along with it regardless. “Bit tired now
though,” Sirius continued. ‘I bet you are tired’ James thought to himself. He shrugged and entered
his bedroom, resentment bubbled away under his skin. He was being a hypocrite, he knew.
Afterall, he had snuck out of Regulus’ room not fifteen minutes previously. But this was different,
he reasoned, he had a legitimate reason to not tell Sirius yet- Regulus was his brother. Sirius and
Remus however, they were his two closest friends in the world, and they were keeping secrets from
him. James didn’t want to dwell on why the situations were different for too long, he had a
suspicion that the longer he thought about it, the more his own logic would come undone.

When he made it down for breakfast, he was the first there, only his father was sitting at the
kitchen table. He was frowning down at the paper in front of him while sipping from a mug of tea.
James had just sat down with his plate of eggs and bacon when Sirius entered the kitchen with
bleary eyes and ruffled hair. He grabbed a mug and filled it with coffee before sitting down heavily
at the table.

“Where’s Remus?” Monty said. “Unlike him to miss breakfast.”

“I’m sure he’s just overslept, probably had a late night,” James bit out, looking pointedly at Sirius.
Sirius darted his eyes up at James and then quickly looked away.

“Um yeah… probably.”

“I’m sure he’ll be along. That boy could do with some time off anyway. James would you help me
with the animals this morning?”

“Course dad. Sirius, you want to come?” Sirius interrupted a wide yawn to shake his head.

“No, I think I’ll take it easy today. Didn’t sleep well. I’ll just go lie down for a bit.” He stood from
the table, avoiding eye contact, and meandered out of the room. James glared at his retreating form,
maddened with every lie and distraction. It was so obvious; he was annoyed he hadn’t seen it
before.

“Gosh it’s a lazy day today, looks like its just you and me early birds,” Monty said, patting his son
on the shoulder and leading the way out of the kitchen. Monty and James spent a good two hours
traipsing around the farm checking on the cows, chickens, and pigs. James happily mucked out the
pigs, he didn’t mind the job as they were his favourite animals on the farm, their friendly
dispositions and lively personalities always reminded him of dogs. He thought regretfully of the
bacon he had eaten for breakfast as he scratched Daisy between her ears, her tail spinning wildly
with bliss. James had often thought he would eventually refrain from eating meat, he never much
had the taste for it, and working with the animals only strengthened that resolve. His father would
likely have a coronary though if he suggested it. Besides, Bertie would likely end up sneaking it
into his meals like she did with the courgettes he pretended not to notice.

It was only after they had finished checking the cows that were grazing at the far end of the
property that James began to become slightly concerned about Remus. He knew that in all
likelihood Remus had overslept due to his late night with Sirius, but it was incredibly unlike him to
not show up at all. It was nearly ten and Remus was never one to sleep past eight at the latest, even
when they had been out drinking. James and his father were walking back to the house when they
passed Remus’ cottage. They spotted Robbie, one of the farmhands walking down the lane with a
wheelbarrow full of salt licks.

“Morning Rob,” Monty called out with a wave to the other man. The two began conversing about
what needed to get done on the farm when James looked over to Remus’ cottage, it looked quiet,
but James could see two pairs of boots outside the front door. Both Remus and Lyall were in by the
looks of it.

“I’m just going to check on Moony,” James said to his father. Monty nodded and continued talking
to Robbie. James hopped over the small wall and jogged down to Remus’ front door. He knocked
quietly and got no answer. He rapped his knuckles a bit harder and waited for a few moments
more. There was no response. Maybe they had already gone up to the house? But the work boots at
the door made him frown.
James walked to the window that opened into the Lupin’s front room and peered in. He raised his
hands around his eyes to better squint into the gloomy space. It took a second for his eyes to adjust
to the dim light, but he quickly made out Remus’ figure sitting slack on the floor of the room,
facing him. James jumped back in shock at the glassy stare in Remus’ expression staring out at
him, his legs were stretched out in front of his body and his shoulders were slack. James was about
to knock on the window to get his attention when he finally noticed Lyall on the sofa behind
Remus. James’ stomach plummeted and he darted his eyes down to Remus’ lifeless expression, he
knew in an instant what was wrong.

James sprinted to the front door, screaming for his father, and tumbled into the cottage. He crossed
the room in a few swift strides and dropped down next to Remus, pulling him into his arms. He
held onto Remus tightly and rocked him gently as Monty ran into the house and recoiled from
shock. James tried to avert his eyes from Lyall’s body, he didn’t need to confirm that he was gone,
one look at Remus made that clear.

Monty however, quickly ran to his old friend and rested the back of his hand against his head
before frantically feeling for a pulse. “Oh Lyall,” Monty breathed out. He wiped a hand across his
face as the reality of the situation seemed to finally dawn on him. Robbie walked into the cottage
shortly after, his expression slack jawed as he took in the scene. “Go tell Effie,” Monty instructed
Robbie who needed no further instruction before swivelling on the spot and sprinting away from
the house. Monty pulled a blanket up to gently cover Lyall, and all the while James clutched onto
Remus whose expressionless stare had not waned. His eyes were red and puffy, and his skin was a
deathly hue.

“Take him up to the house James, he shouldn’t be here right now,” Monty said after a moment.
James looked up at his father’s watery eyes and nodded. He pulled one of Remus arms around his
shoulder and lifted him to stand. Remus came willingly, pressing most of his weight against James
as they stumbled from the cottage and began making their way up towards the manor. James
clutched Remus’ tall frame tightly against him, his fingers digging into the flesh of Remus’ arm,
desperately trying to keep him stable.

James didn’t know what he was doing, or saying, he knew he was speaking, muttering soft
soothing words to his friend as they stumbled up towards the house. They passed the swimming
lake and were trudging across the wide lawn towards the manor when James spotted Sirius. He
was a small distant figure, sprinting towards them with speed. Robbie had clearly informed the
house of what had happened. James felt the moment that Remus spotted Sirius in the way his
posture suddenly straightened. Sirius’ hair flew out behind him, and he barrelled straight into
Remus when he finally reached them. James stepped back and let Remus wrap his arms around
Sirius, he buried his face into Sirius’ hair, and for the first time since James found him, he began
crying.

“Shh, I’ve got you” James heard Sirius mutter to Remus quietly. Remus sniffled and looked up to
meet James’ eye, a shred of consciousness finally settling into his expression. Remus reached out
his hand for James who took it readily, letting himself be pulled into the embrace. The three men
stood on the lawn for a long few minutes before James finally pulled away.

“Let’s go. Come inside and lie down Moony,”

They entered the manor from the tall patio doors which were swung open, letting the cool damp air
wash through the house. James caught a glimpse of Bertie sat in the drawing room, she was crying
quietly and looked up at Remus with sorrowful eyes. James was surprised to see Regulus sat with
her; his hand was placed comfortingly on her back. James shared a significant look with Regulus
before helping Sirius to guide Remus up the stairs. James didn’t question it when Sirius led Remus
into his room and simply followed the pair inside.

Remus crawled into the bed and lay motionless, staring out of the bright wide window while James
and Sirius stood by the door. James didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing. He wanted to
stay and comfort Remus, but equally he thought maybe his father would need him. He just wanted
to make things better, and he was entirely helpless to do anything to fix this. It was an increasingly
common feeling, helplessness, and it left James feeling utterly worthless.

“It’s okay, I’ll look after him,” Sirius said quietly, as if reading his mind. “Go help Monty.” James
nodded; all of his earlier resentment was entirely wiped from his mind and he gratefully embraced
Sirius. He didn’t care about any stupid secrets anymore, his anger already seemed ridiculous. He
was just thankful that Sirius was there to care for Remus, that James didn’t have to take it on alone.

The next few hours passed in a blur as James ran down to the cottage with his mother, cycled into
the village to find the local doctor, and let the other farm hands off for the day. He had barely a
moment to stop and breathe when he finally made it back into the house to find his father sitting by
the kitchen table, his face in his hands.

“Are you okay dad?” James asked quietly. Monty looked up at him with wide eyes and a quivering
jaw, he looked more vulnerable than James had ever seen him and James felt like he might
immediately burst into tears at the sight of his father looking so uncharacteristically weak. He
swiftly strode over to Monty and wrapped him in his arms the same way he had Remus that
morning.

“Alcohol poisoning, they think,” Monty murmured into his son’s chest. “But it wasn’t really, it
was that fucking war that killed him. He was never the same, we were never the same. Remus
he’s… oh that poor boy,” his dad was mumbling incoherently, James could feel his stuttering
breath against his chest as he held him close.

“Remus has us, he still has family,” James said reassuringly.

“You can’t ever go James,” Monty said solemnly. James frowned and leaned back to look at his
father in the eye.

“Go where?”

“Into war, like we did. God, we were so young, what we saw… the people I saw die…” Tears
began to trickle down Monty’s cheeks. James couldn’t stop his own eyes from beginning to water
seeing his father so exposed. Monty rarely spoke of it and seeing him now, James could clearly see
the young man who was sent to France all those years ago etched into his features. “You need to
promise me that you won’t go when it happens again, I don’t care what you need to do, I don’t care
if they send you to prison. I would rather you were in prison then end up dead or a shell of
yourself.” Monty pleaded with James.

“You don’t know it’s going to happen,” James said. His chest was tightening with discomfort as he
thought of Peter, already training for an inevitable war. Was this something he could promise his
father?

“Promise me James.”

“I… dad I can’t promise that. You know I can’t. I’m not going to stay when every one else is sent
away.”

“No. I won’t have it. You, Remus, Sirius, Regulus, none of you are going, I can’t let you go.” His
dad was almost begging, and James wanted to say yes, to promise his father that regardless of what
the future brought, he would stay here right by his side. But he couldn’t. He knew it wasn’t that
simple, he knew it would be a promise he might be forced to break and so he replied with as much
as he was able to offer.

“I’ll try dad. We’ll all try.”

Monty stared at his son for a long while before taking a deep breath and bowing his tired head.
James knew that the weak words were doing little to reassure his father, but it was all he was able
to say.

“Go check on Remus,” Monty said after a long moment. “I need to help Effie with the
arrangements.” James embraced his father once more and made his way up to Sirius’ room. He
cracked the door open and peered in. Sirius was sat above the covers on the bed next to Remus,
holding him against his chest. Remus appeared to be sleeping, or at least dozing off somewhat.
Sirius met James’ eye and offered a small, tight smile. James hesitantly entered the room and sat
next to Sirius on the bed, he reached out and grabbed hold of Remus’ hand. Remus’ clenched his
fingers around James’ and they sat there for a long while in silence, listening to the quiet rumblings
of activity within the house. Eventually they heard steps bounding up the stairs as someone ran up
towards them. The door creaked open, and Mary’s face peeked around the door.

“Effie said it was okay to come up?” she said quietly. James nodded and beckoned her over. Mary
quickly climbed into the bed on the other side of Remus and wrapped her arms around him firmly.
Remus pulled her arms across himself, tightening her hold against his waist. “I’m so sorry” Mary
whispered into his ear quietly. They stayed like that for a long time. Mary clung to Remus and
James could see how he was finding comfort in her arms. She had always liked him the best of the
boys, and he had seen her for exactly who she was. James was incredibly grateful to her, she had
always been at his side when James hadn’t been here to protect him.

Later, James stumbled out to the terrace and sat heavily on a wooden garden chair. He lit a
cigarette and inhaled deeply. He stretched his head from side to side, the muscles in his neck were
tight and painful. The evening was dull and the grey dusky light allowed him to barely make out
the thick trees at the edge of the lawn. His heart felt extremely heavy, Remus didn’t deserve this.
Out of everyone, Remus deserved this the least. Lyall had never been the easiest man to deal with,
but he had been Remus’ father.

James thought back to the time when he and Remus had been nine years old. They had been
playing in the woods besides Remus’ house and James had climbed one of the tallest trees. He had
called down to Remus goading him to join him in his perch. Remus had been slightly hesitant; he
had been worried he might hurt himself. He had always been fit and pushed himself as much as
possible, but his complications from his childhood illness had left him cautious about pushing
himself too far. James had whined down to Remus, begging him to join him up the tree and
eventually Remus had climbed up the first few branches. James had plastered himself against the
branch he was sat on and reached down to tug Remus up to join him.

They had tucked themselves in against the trunk and enjoyed a few hours of laughter and telling
stories. Eventually, as the sun began to set both boys had looked down at the intimidating drop and
realised that they were stuck. James tried to drop himself to a lower branch, but it had snapped
under his weight and left them trapped in the high tree. After a few hours, both boys were huddled
up close together. James remembered that they had both been crying and clutching on to each
other, wondering if they would ever be found.

Eventually, when both boys were shivering and their cheeks were shining with tears, they heard the
worried shout of Lyall calling their names. James could still remember the relief he felt at Lyall’s
voice, traipsing through the woods to save them. Lyall had climbed the tree and carefully carried
the boys down. His face had been red with fury and James couldn’t remember ever seeing him that
angry. They got a major bollocking from him as they were hurried through the woods back to the
house where James’ parents had also been frantically searching for them.

The next day Lyall had gotten up and began constructing a tree house in that same tree. He never
acknowledged it again, but James and Remus had spent many happy hours up in that tree thanks to
the sturdy planks and strong ladder Lyall had built. The treehouse was now half-rotten and long
forgotten. James wondered if it was even still there.

James was jolted from his memory by movement next to him. Regulus sat in the chair next to him.
He reached over and grabbed a cigarette and lit one before speaking.

“How is Remus?” he asked.

“Okay I think. He’s got Sirius… and Mary,” James added quickly. Regulus nodded grimly.

“How are you?”

“Oh that’s hardly important. I can’t stop thinking about Remus, he’s lost everyone now.”

“He hasn’t, he still has you.” Regulus said. James looked at Regulus’ concerned face and smiled,
he reached out and held his hand. Regulus faltered for a moment, looking down at their clenched
hands before acquiescing and allowing James to hold it tight. They sat there until the sun set and
stillness descended upon the house. James felt the tension ease from his tight shoulders, the
warmth emanating from their joined hands spreading through his tense body.

James stepped tentatively into Sirius’ room once Mary had left, Remus was sat in bed with Sirius.
He seemed more alert and was clearly itching to get up. James took his position on the other side of
Remus and wrapped an arm around him. Remus softened into his embrace and accepted the
outpouring of physical affection he was getting.

“You okay Moony?” James asked softly. Remus nodded, clearing his throat gently.

“Yes, I will be. I’m a bit embarrassed really, of how I reacted” he said.

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about Moony,” James said firmly, turning to meet Remus’
eye. “And you have us, you don’t need to pretend to be okay around family.”

Remus didn’t appear to know what to say to this, his lip trembled slightly, he met James’ eye and
nodded abruptly with a small tight smile. James would have stayed there all night with Sirius and
Remus, sharing one bed like they used to, but James had a feeling that the comfort Remus needed
was probably best delivered when he wasn’t there. Sirius was clearly holding back on being too
affectionate around him still. So James said goodnight and quietly made his way out of the
bedroom.

He lay in bed, his mind racing about the events of the day for a few hours until a stillness
descended upon the house. He was still wide awake and felt extremely lonely for one of the first
times in his life.

“You awake?” Regulus’ voice carried across the room. He had cracked the door open slightly and
his head was poking through the small opening.
“Yes,” James replied.

“Can I come in?”

“Please,” was all able James was able to choke out before he broke down into a completely
unexpected heaving sob. Regulus hurried over and climbed into bed with James, he wrapped him in
his arms and soothingly pet the back of his head. James clutched Regulus shirt, burying his face
into his chest as a flood of tears came streaming out. He didn’t know why he was crying so hard
really. He had liked Lyall, of course, and he was grieving him. But it more an outburst of all the
emotions of the past few weeks, his sorrow that he couldn’t do anything to make things better for
Remus, his grief for his dad and his fears of what was to come, and this new frighteningly
intoxicating desire he had for Regulus that suddenly felt so selfish.

Regulus didn’t ask why he was crying but simply held him until he was finally able to steady his
breathing. James looked up at Regulus’ face, his sharp cheekbones were highlighted by the
streaming moonlight. Regulus smiled at him with large empathetic eyes and James felt the world
around him shift. All his swirling emotions of sadness, guilt, sorrow, were suddenly washed away
and all James could see was the beautiful boy looking down at him.

James surged towards Regulus and kissed him roughly. Regulus responded immediately, he eased
himself into James’ arms and let himself be swept up in James’ desperate need for connection.

James pulled at Regulus’ clothes and Regulus quickly caught on. He allowed James to strip him of
his pyjamas and assault him with kisses across his long pale frame. James pressed himself as close
as he could to Regulus, the skin contact spread warmth into his tired muscles. James lowered
himself down Regulus’ body and took Regulus into his mouth, sucking and kissing with a frantic
fervour and relishing every small gasp from Regulus’ trembling body. The sensation was new, and
James became a bit self-conscious that maybe he wasn’t any good at it, but one look up at Regulus’
heavy eyes made it clear that he was doing a fine job.

James was tugged up by Regulus who latched himself onto James’ face, licking into his mouth and
pressing himself tightly to James’ body. James wanted to tease the soft moans from Regulus as
many times as he could, for as long as he could. He could feel himself falling, entirely defenceless
against his intoxicating touch. He would have him, James thought. He would do whatever he had
to in order to ensure that Regulus would be his for as long as possible, forever. If there was one
thing the last few days had taught him, it was that life was too short to neglect even a moment of
happiness.

The next few days passed in a blur of visitors, flowers, and hushed words. Nobody had questioned
Remus staying in Sirius’ room, he had stayed in James’ enough times as a boy that it didn’t seem
out of the ordinary. He had significantly more energy the day after his father’s death and insisted
on organising the funeral, demanding that no one would be put out over the affair. He finally
conceded that the Potter’s would be allowed to pay for it when Monty asserted he wanted to for his
own peace of mind as a friend of Lyall’s.

James noted the way that Sirius clung to Remus’ side throughout the long sombre days. To
everyone else, the way Remus leaned his full body against Sirius was nothing but brotherly
camaraderie, but James could see the lingering touches, the soothing way Sirius’ hand made small
circles at the small of his back. James found himself clinging to the other side of Remus often,
scared that he would become untethered if left alone for too long. It seemed to be a sentiment that
everyone shared. When Sirius or James wasn’t plastered to his side, it was Mary or Effie, or even
Lily who stood sentry by Remus.
James couldn’t fault them for clinging to each other, he had spent each night sneaking into Regulus
bedroom, or Regulus into his. He would find comfort in Regulus’ arms and wondered at how the
wounded boy was so able to mend his wounds with each revered touch.

After the funeral they had gathered at the Potter’s house. There were people milling around the
large drawing room, speaking quietly and sombrely. James could see the knowing looks in some of
the older men who had come to pay their respects. They were the only ones who didn’t talk about
what a shock it was. They had all been dealing with that same shared trauma and it was clear that
they fully understood why Lyall would need to find peace at the bottom of a bottle.

Remus’ expression was drawn and his complexion had dulled with fatigue. James could see that he
was exhausted, despite the way he was politely listening and nodding along to the copious number
of people telling him stories about his father. He walked over to Lily who was standing sombrely
with her sister and whispered to her quietly.

“You ready to get out of here? Get the girls and meet us down at the hideaway.” Lily looked up to
him and her eyes brightened, she quickly agreed and hurried off to find Mary and Marlene. James
then made his way over to Remus. Sirius was standing beside him, glumly watching the ebbing
crowds. James spoke quietly to the two men “Let’s go.” Both Remus and Sirius lifted their eyes to
him and nodded quickly. Remus made his excuses and James saw him sneak out of the patio doors,
Sirius following quickly behind.

James then hurried over to the bar and swiped a couple of bottles of whiskey from the table. He
held them behind himself and looked around the room to see if anyone had spotted him. He
immediately caught eyes with his father who had been watching him from the other side of the
room. Monty simply smiled gently and gestured his head towards the door. James felt an
overwhelming wash of affection for his father in that moment and smiled back at him before
quickly hurrying out of the room before anyone could spot his exit.

James entered the hideaway a few minutes after the others. There was gentle music playing and the
soft murmurs of conversation. He paused for a moment as he entered the cabin, taking in his
friends’. Remus and Sirius were sat close together on the floor, heads tucked towards each other
and speaking quietly. Mary and Marlene were at the record player arguing over the next record to
put on and Lily was stretched out on the sofa reading Remus’ book with pink cheeks, her legs were
resting in Regulus’ lap. James smiled softly as he took in their casual postures and for the first time
in several days a semblance of normalcy had descended upon them. He wished Peter was here too,
he realised, and he felt guilty that he had barely given a thought to his old schoolfriend over the
past few weeks. He would write to him as soon as possible, he decided.

James let his gaze fall on Regulus who had his head tilted backwards resting on the back of the
sofa. He had his eyes closed and was puffing a cigarette while he listened to the music. His relaxed
posture lengthened his body across the couch to where his legs were sprawled out on front of him
and his tilted head perfectly exposed his long pale neck and prominent Adam’s apple casting
shadows from the flickering oil lamps. James wanted to bite it. He had never looked at someone
and actually wanted to bite them before. It scared him a bit, how he was feeling. Just how much he
was feeling, it was an endless depth of want, and need, and desperation, all of the time. As if
reading his mind, Regulus opened his eyes and flickered his eyes towards the door. He smiled
softly when he met James’ eye and James saw eternity in that smile.

James sat on the floor and crossed his legs. He took a swig from one of the bottles he had nicked
and passed it over to Remus who took it gratefully. Remus looked at the bottle for a moment before
raising it in front of him.
“To Lyall,” he said before taking a large swig. The girls turned to face him and raised their own
glasses.

“To Lyall,” the group said in unison. James unscrewed the second bottle and raised it himself
before taking another swig. They lounged in the hideaway for a few hours, chatting quietly and
enjoying the relative normalcy. Remus looked noticeably less put-upon from just the few hours of
respite. James wondered how many people were still at the house and if their absence had been
noticed, he didn’t much care. It was nobody’s business how Remus mourned, and he shouldn’t be
expected to make small talk for hours just because it made other people feel better.

“My dad wants us to object,” James said later in the evening. He looked directly at Regulus and
said, “all of us.” The group fell into a shocked silence at those words. Remus was watching James
with a confused frown, Sirius’ faced had paled. “He saw what it did to Lyall, even he’s never been
the same. He said he’d rather we went to prison.”

“You don’t know they’ll lower the conscription age; we don’t even know there will be a bloody
war!” Sirius said anxiously, obviously not wanting to dwell on the subject. Remus continued to
look steadily at James.

“And what’ll you do James?” he asked after a moment. “Will you go to prison to avoid fighting?”

James clenched his mouth and gulped. “I told my dad I’d do what I can. I’ll try my best to not have
to go.”

“That wasn’t exactly an answer James.” Remus responded.

“No. I won’t do that.” James said after a moment longer. “I won’t blame any of you for doing it,
those Quakers have some good points. But I… I just can’t sit it out like I’m better than all those
other men. As much as he says it, I don’t think my dad would want that anyway.”

Remus finally broke his eye contact and nodded shortly.

“I thought so, you’ve always been the brave one.”

“And you?” James hesitated to ask.

“I’m going. I actually… well I was thinking of volunteering-“ Remus was cut off by a series of
loud gasps as everyone in the room stared at him. Sirius whipped around so quickly his hair lashed
Remus in the face.

“You’re what?!” he cried in alarm.

“I don’t know. I was just thinking about it. After Lyall… after my dad… I just feel a bit helpless.
This is a way I can help you know?”

“No I don’t fucking know, I can’t believe you were thinking this and didn’t say anything!” Sirius
continued alarmed. “This isn’t a way to mourn him Remus. Getting called up, well that’s one thing,
and no I am not about to object no matter what Monty wants” he added with a quick glance at
James. “But volunteering? When it might all just come to nothing, Moony that’s ridiculous. Why
would you want to leave? To leave m-“ Sirius stopped himself from completing the sentence as his
speech became more rambling and his eyes filled with tears. Remus reached out and wrapped an
arm around Sirius gently.

“Shh… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. It was just an idea” Remus soothed.
“Just an idea! It’s a fucking stupid one, do you think going off and playing hero is going to make
you feel better?” Sirius continued rambling as he stood up and began frantically pacing the length
of the shed running his hand through his hair. “Oh fuck, oh fuck. It’s happening isn’t it? I didn’t
think it was actually going to happen. Oh god…” Sirius’ breathing was becoming laboured, and he
was gasping in large gulps of air between words. He was quickly unable to continue to speak,
gasping for breath and clutching his chest frantically. James was extremely alarmed and quickly
jumped up to comfort his friend. He was beaten to it however by Remus who had bounded up and
wrapped Sirius in his arms. He cradled Sirius against his chest, stroking his hair gently and
humming softly in his ear. Sirius’ continued to gulp large breaths until his chest began evening out
and his sobs calmed.

James had seen panic attacks before of course, his father, Lyall, some younger boys at school. It
wasn’t all that uncommon, but James was not prepared to see Sirius in that state, and he felt entirely
helpless to stop it. He needed to protect him, it was his job and he was failing. Remus continued
soothing Sirius gently holding him tight to his chest. He was muttering quietly as everyone in the
room watched with frightened faces. “It’s okay Pads, you’re okay. I won’t volunteer, I promise I
won’t. I love you, I won’t leave you, I love you,” Remus was saying. Sirius nodded into his chest
and took a deep breath, finally having gained full control of his breathing. He pulled away slightly
and looked up at Remus, bringing a hand up to gently stroke Remus’ cheek, he smiled gently at
Remus’ concerned gaze.

“Sorry about that” Sirius mumbled after a moment, finally pulling his eyes away from Remus to
scan the group. A creased formed between his brows at the surprised faces staring back at him. He
seemed to realise what had happened at the same moment that Remus had, both men’s eyes
widening in shock. Sirius immediately snapped his attention to James, who of course was the least
surprised out of any one in the room. He had known they loved each other, of course he had. The
way Sirius had plastered himself to Remus side over the past week made it clear. But to hear him
say it with so much certainty and clarity left James feeling slightly untethered. Sirius was searching
his face for anger or resentment, so James smiled gently at his friends, a visible tension slipped
away from Sirius’ expression at the gesture.

“You’re joking?” Regulus voice carried across the room, breaking the tense silence.

James was immediately alarmed at the incredulous tone in Regulus’ voice. Sirius didn’t say
anything but looked at his brother, a challenge in his gaze. Regulus looked between Sirius and
Remus for a moment and James felt the tense silence spread throughout the room. The girls were
entirely silent, staring open mouthed between Sirius and Regulus. Regulus glanced at James before
breaking out into a loud guffaw. He began laughing so heartedly he had to clutch his stomach, it
was such an uncharacteristic display that James couldn’t help but laugh alongside him.

“Oh my god, our parents would fucking love this,” Regulus cried. The tension finally having
broken, the girls began laughing too, quickly joined by Sirius and Remus whose relief was clear on
their faces. James looked across the room at the hysterical faces of his friends, landing on Remus
who for the first time in several days seemed unencumbered with guilt and grief.

The next morning James awoke to a presence in the bed behind him and a finger poking
incessantly at his shoulder. He still felt groggy from the alcohol and even Regulus’ sweet face
wasn’t going to be enough to rouse him. He grumbled and buried himself further into his pillow as
Regulus’ poking became more insistent. James finally reached behind him and grabbed Regulus
arm, pulling it around him and clutched his hand to his chest, preventing him from poking him any
further. Regulus’ body was pulled against James’ and James felt a puff of air against his neck as
Regulus huffed out a laugh at the aggressive affection. James sunk back against Regulus and
enjoyed the feeling of his embrace as he snuggled down into the duvet.

“Well good morning to you too,” Sirius said from behind him. James’ eyes snapped open, and he
turned his head to see Sirius’ bright grey eyes sparkling down at him. Sirius was grinning at James
and nuzzled himself further against him, wrapping his arm tightly across his chest. “Mmm this is
nice, we should cuddle more.” Sirius said as he got comfortable.

James had to laugh really, he was just glad he hadn’t done anything inappropriate in his sleepy
state. He wasn’t sure how he’d explain away groping Sirius by accident. “Well you have Moony to
cuddle with now,” James said. He was surprised at the bite in his own voice and felt Sirius stiffen
behind him. James felt immediately guilty and so pulled Sirius arm around him a bit tighter.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Sirius said quietly. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I
wanted to desperately, I really did. Moony didn’t want to tell anyone…”

“I’m anyone?” James said. Beginning to become annoyed. Sure he could understand why they’d
want to keep that kind of thing out of the rumour mills, but James was their best friend.

“No, of course not. I don’t know, you’ll have to ask Remus but I think he was nervous about telling
you. Thinking you’d feel left out.”

“Did you think I’d ask for an invite?” Sirius chuckled behind him.

“I did want to tell you Prongs.”

James felt himself soften at the nervous quiver to Sirius’ voice. He wasn’t really angry anymore,
the previous few days had shifted his priorities so significantly it seemed ridiculous to be mad at
them. Remus in particular hardly needed a more difficult time at the moment. The biting
undercurrent of resentment was still there, James could recognise that at least. He felt Sirius’
presence behind him, steady and loyal as he had been since he was eleven years old. He knew it
would serve no one to make him suffer just because James felt a bit left out.

“It’s fine Pads. More than fine, I’m happy for you really,” he said after a moment.

“Thanks Jamie. I was desperate to tell you. He’s amazing, I think I’ve been half in love with him
since I met him.”

“That long?”

Sirius didn’t reply but James could feel Sirius nodding his head behind him. “I guess I’ve been
keeping another secret from you. The reason why I never went out with any of those girls, at least
not properly.”

“How long have you known? That you’re queer?”

“I think I always knew. But… well it was Moony who made it clear. When he said it a few weeks
ago and I realised there might be a chance. I duno, things kinda just fell into place you know?”

James nodded, he did know. He thought about Regulus, about his heavily lidded smoulder and
sharp cheekbones, enough to make any sane person fall to their knees. But James realised now that
it had always probably been there, deep down. Other boys probably didn’t spend as much time
staring at the opposing team’s thighs during rugby matches. James pulled Sirius closer to him,
grateful for a few moments alone with his friend. He should tell him now, about Regulus, he
thought. But the words died in his throat as he attempted to speak and he realised he was terrified.
Terrified of losing this, this closeness with Sirius, or having to choose between them. That wasn’t a
choice that was even remotely possible to make.

“You’re not mad at me for liking men?” Sirius said after a moment.

James turned in the bed to face Sirius properly. “Of course not! Why would you think that?!”

“Oh I duno. I just thought you’d be mad if you found out I fancied boys but didn’t fancy you is
all,” Sirius said with a mischievous glint in his eye. James narrowed his eyes at Sirius, mortally
offended.

“Oh please. I could get you if I wanted.”

“Nope. Sorry Prongs, but its tall, lean farmers that do it for me,” Sirius said, turning on his back
and stretching labouredly. “And muscly. I was right, he’s got some physique on him.”

“I am tall, and muscly. And I’m basically a farmer.” James retorted.

Sirius looked at him and snorted, “owning land isn’t the same as working it Jamie.” James frowned
at Sirius, quite unsure how his morning had taken such a spiral that his best mate was now
stretched out in his bed telling him how unfancyable he was.

“Oh whatever, you want me.” James said.

“Nope.”

James sat up and loomed over Sirius threateningly. “Say it.”

“Nope.”

“Say you think I’m sexy,” James said. He wound his arm back and clenched his hand into a fist,
ready to land a blow.

Sirius simply looked up at him and smirked.

“Sorry Potter, but you’re hideous,” James launched himself on top of Sirius and began wrestling
with him in the bed. Sirius screeched with laughter and began fighting back, kicking his legs into
James’s stomach to get the advantage. James huffed as a foot launched itself painfully into his
groin and Sirius jumped on top of him, wrapping an arm around his neck to secure him in a
headlock. James thought it was quite an unfair move considering he had literally just woken up, he
was hardly on form. Their grappling only came to an end when Regulus slammed open James’
door.

“The fuck is the racket about?”

“James is trying to get me to shag him,” Sirius said casually before releasing James and jumping up
from the bed. Regulus visibly recoiled and made a retching sound. He looked at James with
horrified eyes.

“Really James? My brother. That’s disgusting,” James rolled his eyes at Regulus who shivered
theatrically. James noted the knowing twinkle in Regulus’ eye as he teased James. Both brothers
swiftly left James’ room, leaving him in the centre of his twisted sheets. James sprawled out on the
bed and stared at the ceiling, he smiled to himself as he heard the Black bother’s bickering fading
into the distance, thanking whatever god there might be that they had been introduced to his life.
 Chapter 10
Chapter Notes

CW: Talk of suicidal ideation from the beginning of this chapter. There is brief
mention of SA (Regulus views the interaction as consensual as he is in a bad
headspace but it is between him and a teacher when he was 16 so it is of course not.
it’s a very brief mention but thought I’d put a warning). There is also consensual
sexual content, drug use and heavy drinking in this chapter.

Regulus

Regulus decided that he was going to kill himself when he was fifteen years old. It hadn’t been in a
fit of depression or anger. He had made the decision on an ordinary Tuesday evening while sitting
at the dining table of Grimmauld Place. His mother was sat at one end of the long dark table, and
his father at the other. Regulus was sat between them, staring at the empty chair across from him
while mindlessly pushing his food around his plate. He didn’t know exactly what had triggered
him to make the decision, there had been beatings, threats, and many cruel words of course. But
that Tuesday evening, he looked up at Sirius’ empty chair and realised with shocking clarity that
he was already a ghost. He was an empty vessel that simply no longer cared. He didn’t care about
his parents’ hateful words, he barely even cared anymore that Sirius had left him behind. He didn’t
want anything, he didn’t create anything, he didn’t even dream anymore. So, Regulus decided, he
would opt out. There wouldn’t be a great loss, he doubted anyone would mourn him, and if they
did it would just be the idea of him, the ever-changing mask he presented to people.

He wasn’t going to do it right away of course. Regulus figured if he was going to die, he would
have a bit of fun first. He would drink to excess, try every drug he could find, and he would take a
final grand tour, like Byron. Yes, Regulus thought, it would be quite romantic to see the world,
exploit its riches to excess and then leave while he’s still pretty. Twenty-one was the age he had
settled on. It seemed like a reasonable age to go. He’d have enough time to shag the richest and
most handsome men in each European capital before bidding adieu to the mindless monotony of
life.

After he had made his decision, Regulus’ life became noticeably more bearable. Every difficulty
and beating became nothing more than a simple annoyance, and he learned how to never say no to
a new opportunity. That’s how he had found himself bent over a desk in front of his Latin tutor
when he was sixteen. His tutor had been older than him, already at university, and probably should
have known better. Regulus probably should have cared that he was so much older, and engaged to
a woman, but he didn’t. He learned how to please a man and rejoiced in the knowledge that he was
doing it while his parents were paying the boy to teach him. He quickly learned that his looks were
his best asset, and he discovered how to leverage them. As it turned out, being a pretty boy in
London managed to get you into almost any club and access any drug you could want.

Regulus found himself in jazz clubs with American actors at the age of seventeen, and often woke
up in lavishly decorated hotel rooms surrounded by opium and cocaine. The weeks would blur
together into hedonist waves of bodies, and music, and champagne. And through it all, Regulus
remained an empty vessel with nothing but the echoing ticks of a countdown inside him.
Then, when Regulus was eighteen years old a boy as brilliant as the sun looked at him. He looked
at Regulus, and he barely knew him, but he saw him. For the first time in his life Regulus felt
utterly exposed. James didn’t know he was doing it of course, when he would scold him for being
a miserable git, or brush a curl away from his face, he didn’t know that it was the first time in
Regulus’ life that anyone had actually bothered to stop and notice. James didn’t just take, like all
the other people in Regulus’ life did. He gave himself in equal measure and never expected more
from Regulus than he was willing to give. It drove Regulus mad.

Regulus was determined to stop the affair. He was feeling unpleasant sensations that left him
lightheaded, and most worryingly of all, hopeful. But he never had it in him to say no. He couldn’t
say no in the middle of the pouring rain in a wheat field, or when James would sneak into his room
at night, or when James had wanted to tell Sirius. He couldn’t say no when James reached for his
hand for comfort even though the gesture left Regulus feeling like he was already mourning
something he had barely found.

The days after Lyall passed, Regulus felt extremely out of place. He was an intruder in other
people’s grief, and he found himself darting between rooms, hiding in corners where he hoped he
wouldn’t be noticed as people milled gravely about the house. The days stretched and Regulus had
never wanted to return to London more. Of course, he felt bad for Remus, but he shouldn’t be so
close to it, within the inner circle of misery. All he could do was offer pathetic words of remorse
and help Bertie in the kitchen as much as possible.

As it turned out, helping Bertie turned out to be a bit of a godsend as he was able to hide away from
the others while keeping busy and useful. Nobody bothered him too much down in the kitchen and
Bertie was too gloomy to converse much with him. The only moments of respite from the
sombreness were the nights spent in James’ arms. Sirius had been spending most of his evenings at
Remus’ cottage once Remus had moved back. Monty and Effie had put up quite the fuss and
insisted that Remus stay at the manor, but Remus had steadfastly refused. It meant that Regulus
could more easily slip into James’ room undisturbed and crawl into his solid arms each evening.

Regulus knew that he needed to stop it. The way James looked at him like he hung the stars, and
the innocence with which he kissed and explored Regulus’ body, was clearly a recipe for disaster.
But each time Regulus nearly told James they needed to end it, one look at the other man’s large
loving eyes would stop him in his tracks. He had never felt so powerless against his own body as
he did in James’ presence.

That’s how he found himself in James’ bed a week after Lyall’s funeral clutching a small tube of
petroleum jelly. He presented it to James in an outstretched hand, naively assuming James would
understand what he was asking. James’ brow furrowed as he looked at it, clearly confused as to
why Regulus had stopped their snogging to show him the tube. James reached out a hand and
grabbed it gently.

“Er, thanks?” James said. He unscrewed the top and scooped a small amount onto his finger before
wiping it across his lips generously. Regulus watched in disbelief as James smacked his lips
together, glossy with the jelly. “Were they dry?”

Regulus’s whole body shook with laughter, quickly descending into hysterical heaving. He
clutched his stomach and tried to gain control of himself while James continued to watch him with
a dumfounded expression.

“No! Sorry I should have explained, its wasn’t for your lips. It’s for… well we haven’t actually…
you know” Regulus struggled to find the words, suddenly nervous about suggesting the idea that
they shag properly. He knew it was a bad idea, he knew they needed to end this whole thing and
here he was actively propositioning James. James’ eyebrows raised as he seemed to finally
understand what Regulus was suggesting. James bit his lip as he looked at the small jar, pondering
Regulus’ question.

“We don’t have to!” Regulus said quicky. “Not if you don’t want to, it was just an idea.” Regulus’
voice trailed off and he didn’t quite meet James’ eye. He reached forward to take back the Vaseline
only to be stopped by James’ hand clenching around his wrist to stop him.

“No! I mean… yes! I want to… If you?” Regulus’ expression softened at James’ bumbling.

“Yes, I want to James, I want to very very much,” he laughed. James gulped and nodded.

“Okay, I haven’t done this before. You’ll have to go slow.”

That rendered Regulus a bit speechless, he surely didn’t mean what Regulus thought he did, and he
looked at James with a slacked jaw expression. “Oh! You mean you want to…”

James frowned again, seemingly confused by Regulus’ reaction and their lack of ability to form a
sentence between them. Regulus’ eyes darted between James’s and he came to a decision. “Maybe
another time,” he said softly. “Let me show you how it works.”

Regulus spent a long time preparing himself, he had done it many times before, but he had never
been as impatient as he was in that moment. James was staring at him with such unbridled desire
that Regulus needed to clench his eyes shut to prevent himself from throwing himself on top of him
too soon. After what felt like an eternity, James crawled over Regulus’ body and kissed him
deeply. Regulus’ heart raced at the tender touch, and he felt nervous. Looking up at James’ doting
face Regulus felt like it was his first time all over again. No other man had ever treated him so
tenderly, no other man had searched his eyes to see if he was okay. They just took and took and
used him up. James didn’t rush even though Regulus could see his body trembling with
anticipation.

Regulus pulled James close to him and James finally pressed into him, resulting in a loud
animalistic groan from the other man. Regulus gasped at the intrusion and clamped his arms
around James neck, urging him forward. James’ shaky head rested against Regulus’ shoulder as he
gently thrust his hips.

“Oh fuck, sweetheart,” James muttered. Regulus lowered his hands to James’ backside and pulled
him in, desperate to be as close to him as possible. James let out an unholy wail at the sensation and
Regulus felt him spill inside him.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” James whined. He collapsed on the bed next to Regulus and covered his
head with a pillow, as if trying to suffocate himself. “I’m so sorry, that’s so fucking embarrassing,”
James said, his voice dripped with humiliation. Regulus turned to face James, he hadn’t moved,
naked and spread against the sheets. James lifted the corner of the pillow to look at Regulus
through one uncovered eye. Regulus bit the insides of his cheeks and furrowed his brow to prevent
himself from laughing, but one look at James’ sorry expression and a laugh burst out regardless
“Oh my god,” James groaned again, burying himself further into the pillow.

“Shhh,” Regulus soothed. “It’s alright James, happens to the best of us. It was your first time.”

James let out a muffled groan of anguish beneath his pillow. Regulus laughed again and kissed
James’ collarbone gently before moving across his chest and up his neck. He continued laying
kisses across his body until James finally pulled the pillow away from his face. Regulus looked up
at him with bright eyes and gave him a reassuring smile.
“It’s a compliment really,” he said with a wink. James let out a snort of laughter and wrapped his
arms around Regulus’ waist. He tumbled them over until he was lying on top of Regulus again.

“You never finished, let me…” he trailed off as his hand drew down Regulus’ side and towards his
groin. He grabbed hold of Regulus’ erection and began stroking with such determination Regulus
was quite sure James had decided that it would the best hand job ever given. Regulus quickly let
his thoughts wash away with the sensation and relaxed against the soft sheets.

Regulus awoke to James’ hungry kisses across his neck and his curious hands stroking his chest.

“-time is it?” Regulus mumbled.

“Early” James whispered between kisses. He had his body pressed against Regulus’ back and
Regulus gasped as James bit his shoulder lightly.

“Want to try again?” Regulus asked, he was suddenly feeling wide awake.

“Mmm,” James replied, pushing his erection against Regulus. The now too familiar swoop of
arousal dived in Regulus’ belly, and he flipped over, pushing James onto his back with so much
force James could only let out a surprised grunt before Regulus climbed on top of him. Regulus
made quick work of the Vaseline and James was an impatient and writhing mess by the time
Regulus gently positioned himself on top of James.

James screwed his face in what looked like anguish as Regulus sunk down on him, his mouth was
clenched and his eyes were screwed shut. Regulus would have almost asked him if he was in pain
if he didn’t know how hard James was trying to keep his composure. Regulus felt such an
overwhelming wash of fondness for the sweet man, he leaned forward and kissed him gently
before beginning to move. James hissed with each movement and grabbed hold of Regulus’ hips.
His fingers dug into Regulus’ sides so deeply that Regulus was sure he would have bruises. He
didn’t mind, in fact he hoped he would.

“I fucking love you darling,” James said, his words spilling out of him.

“Don’t say that,” Regulus whispered. He wasn’t sure James heard him as he continued to murmur
words of affection with each thrust.

“Fucking, love… darling… love you”

When James stilled Regulus collapsed against his chest, breathing heavily and in a heavenly stupor.
James wrapped his arms around Regulus and held him close.

“I-“

“Don’t say it,” Regulus warned.

James frowned but he didn’t say anything further, he simply kissed Regulus on the cheek and clung
on to him tighter.

At breakfast Regulus couldn’t stop glancing up to look at James, a newfound sense of nervousness
had descended upon him. He felt butterflies in his stomach each time he caught eyes at the other
man smiling at him softly. Sirius was chatting animatedly with Monty and had apparently not
picked up on anything different. Regulus felt like that was hard to believe, it felt like the entire
world had shifted and now it was revolving around one man. In fact, Regulus wouldn’t be
surprised if it turned out that the entire universe had changed course to orbit James Potter.

James and Sirius decided that they were going to start digging out some of the fallow fields. The
thought of watching James doing farm work was too much for Regulus’ already swirling heart and
so he quickly made his excuses and cycled to Lily’s shop.

The bell jingled over the door as Regulus walked in and made his way to the back where he would
usually find her. Lily was sat on the floor in the corner of the room with her face hidden in her
hands.

“Lily! What’s wrong?” Regulus said. He hurried over to her and crouched down beside her. He
could see that she was crying.

“I’m fine, it’s nothing,” she replied.

“You’re crying, it’s not nothing.”

“Oh it’s just my stupid family,” Lily said. “I got accepted to a dressmaking course in London.”

“That’s amazing Lily!” Regulus said, unsure of what the problem was.

“Well I can’t go. Now that Petunia’s engaged to that oaf, they said that if I left, I’d be leaving them
destitute and there would be no way. They’re not letting me go.”

“But you’re eighteen? Just go anyway.” Regulus said.

“With what money? It’s nearly fifty pounds.”

“I’ll pay for the course,” Regulus said without hesitation. Lily gasped and looked up at Regulus
with wide, shocked eyes.

“No. No you won’t,” she said firmly.

“Yes, if its money that’s stopping you. I’ll pay,” he honestly didn’t know why Lily wouldn’t
accept it, it seemed like a perfectly simple problem to fix. “When does it start?”

“January,” Lily sniffled, still watching him with disbelief. “But I can’t accept that Regulus, it’s too
much and I couldn’t pay you back.”

“I don’t care,” Regulus said. “It’s just money, I want you to go. Besides, I’ll be back in London by
then. I’d love for you to be there, you could stay with me.”

Lily gasped again and Regulus was getting increasingly confused at her resistance.

“It’s not just money though Regulus, it’s… I can’t…” Lily trailed off as she searched for reasons to
reject Regulus’ offer.

Regulus knew that he was privileged, and he knew that Lily’s family didn’t have much, but he
didn’t see what was holding her back. The way he saw it, he had money, she needed it. It was just
that simple. But watching her anguished face as she tried to process the offer, Regulus began to
comprehend something that had never before occurred to him. The way that he so carelessly threw
money around and offered it without thinking, it was a lifechanging thing for her. Regulus sat
down besides Lily and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

“Please let me pay. It’ll be the best thing I’ll have spent it on in my life.”
Lily sniffed again and looked up at him. “Are you sure?”

Regulus nodded and looked at her earnestly, “I’m certain.” Lily broke out into a wide smile and
wrapped her arms around Regulus, she squealed with delight and toppled them over onto the dusty
floor.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” she squealed and began pressing kisses across Regulus’ face.
Regulus laughed and pushed her off him. He wiped his face with mock disgust but couldn’t resist
returning her bright grin.

“It’ll be brilliant having you there. I can’t wait to show you all my old haunts. Maybe we don’t
even need to stay with Alphard, could get our own place.” His thoughts began running away with
him as he dreamed up his future life with Lily in London.

“Oh I can’t wait Regulus. I want to go right now!” Lily stood and brushed off her long skirt. She
reached out a hand to help Regulus up as an idea occurred to him.

“Alright, here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to tell your parents and your sister that
you’re staying at Marlene’s tonight and then you’re going to pack your fanciest dress and meet me
at the train station. I’m going to go back to the Potter’s and get my most expensive suit, and we’ll
catch the eleven o’clock train to London.” Regulus said determinedly. Lily raised her eyebrows at
Regulus, not making a move to follow his instructions.

“Today?” she said in alarm.

“Yes today! I’m going to take you dancing Lily. We’ll stay with my friend and be back tomorrow
morning before anyone misses us.” Lily pursed her lips and considered this. Regulus could tell that
she was tempted, but something still held her back from making any move.

“Regulus, I can’t just jump on a train and spend the night in London.”

“Please Lily,” Regulus whined. “You’d be doing me a favour really, I need to let my hair down a
bit.”

Lily bit her lip as a small smile was pulled from the corner of her mouth. Regulus grinned at her,
opening his arms wide in a question.

“Okay fine,” she said quickly. “But if Petunia gets wind she’ll murder me.”

“So lets make sure she doesn’t find out. C’mon lets go!” Regulus said. He hurried Lily out of the
shop and organised to meet her on the train platform at precisely no later than quarter to. He
hurried back to the manor and shoved a few changes of clothes into a small carpetbag. He slung it
over his shoulder and sprinted away from the house before anyone had even noticed he had been
there.

The train ride was one of the most enjoyable Regulus had ever had. Lily was practically vibrating
with excitement, and she couldn’t stop herself from making conversation with all the other
passengers making their way from Bristol to London. They arrived at Paddington just before two
and pushed their way through bustling throngs of travellers and steam onto the smoky, hectic West
London streets. Regulus slipped naturally back into his old habits, weaving his way through the
crowds with practiced ease. It was only when he looked behind him to find Lily’s worried gaze
staring back at him that he realised she was somewhat out of her depth. He reached back and
grabbed her hand, ensuring that she stuck right by his side as he made his way down to the
Underground.
Regulus guided Lily through the winding tunnels and rattling trains to Hammersmith. She was
looking around herself at the crowded train and throngs of people with wide eyed wonder and
Regulus realised just how different it must be for her, having known nothing bigger than Bristol.
He clutched her hand and pulled her off the train at Hammersmith and made his way down the
familiar roads until he was in front of a tall, terraced building. He led Lily up two flights of stairs
until he was outside a familiar flat, he pressed the bell and hoped that someone was in, it began to
dawn on him that he hadn’t warned anyone of his arrival. The door opened after a long moment
and Pandora was standing on the other side.

“Reggie!” she exclaimed before throwing her arms around him. “What are you doing here?”

“Hi Pandora,” he said, returning her embrace. “We’ve come back, just for the evening. Thought we
could stay with you if that’s aright?”

“Of course it is, and who is this?” Pandora asked pulling herself away from Regulus to look at Lily.
Lily was standing nervously behind Regulus, shifting slightly between her feet.

“This is Lily, she’s a friend from the country. She’ll be moving up to London, so I wanted to give
her a bit of an introduction.”

“Oh wonderful! Any friend of Regulus is a friend of mine,” Pandora said with a bright smile. She
quickly pulled Lily into a warm hug before stepping aside to allow them to enter. Regulus quickly
made his way to the sitting room which was draped with tapestries, cushions, and candles. There
were plants taking up every spare inch of the small flat and there were at least two cats lounged out
across the settees. Regulus lay back across one of the sofas and stretched his body. He was glad to
be back, Pandora was one of his dearest friends and he had spent many nights passed out on her
sofa.

Lily walked in and took a tentative seat on the edge of one of the other sofas. She looked around
the room nervously and reached out to stroke Charlie, the orange cat, between his ears.

“So what’s the plan then?” Pandora asked as she walked into the room with two glasses of
prosecco. It was only half two but that had never stopped them before. Regulus gladly took one of
the glasses and Lily took the other.

After dinner at the Savoy, Regulus led Lily into the Princess Louise pub, he watched as her eyes
widened in wonder at the lavish decorations and rich leather coating the old booths. Regulus
sauntered up to the bar and ordered three cocktails, with clear instruction to keep them coming.
Pandora swept her way around the bar making conversation with the many members of high
society. She had a natural grace to her, that quite contrasted with her bohemian attitude.

After an hour or so and once they had become suitably tipsy, they tumbled onto the street and
hailed a taxicab to Soho. Lily was happily flushed and was chatting animatedly with Pandora, who
produced a small tin from within her draping coat. Pandora raised a questioning eyebrow to
Regulus and he darted a look to Lily. He was glad to be showing her the sights and sounds of
London, but he wasn’t sure if she should really be exposing her to some of the more base aspects of
his life in London. Lily answered the question for him however, by leaning forward to look at the
tin.

“What’s that?”

Pandora smiled widely and presented Lily with the box, “Oh it’s just a bit of snow to ease the
festivities. Want to try?”
Lily’s eyes flashed to Regulus, and he tensed as he waited for her to decide. “Go on then,” she said
quickly. Regulus turned to check that the driver was focused on the road before he reached for the
tin and scooped out a small bump. He inhaled it deeply and immediately felt the familiar dryness in
the back of his throat that he hadn’t experienced in over a month. Lily was next and she and sniffed
the powder with a surprising lack of hesitation. Pandora quickly followed and as they approached
Soho, Regulus could already feel the easing of his muscles and slight increase of the patter of his
heart.

They stumbled down the stairs of the Rainbow Roof and into the wide open jazz bar. A small stage
was elevated in the centre of the room and was surrounded by clusters of small round tables.
Regulus waved at Stanley, the bartender who had seen him through many late nights at the club.
He leaned across the bar and shouted to be heard over the loud jazz music. “Hi Stanley, long time.”

“I heard you got yourself arrested,” Stanley said from across the bar.

“Who’s been telling you that? No, been with family in the country, so might as well have been
locked up,” Regulus said with a grin.

Regulus ordered a round of drinks and went to find Pandora and Lily who had found themselves a
small table next to the stage. Lily was looking up at the sultry singer with awe and Regulus looked
around him to watch the comings and goings as if through new eyes. He saw how Lily’s eyes
followed the revellers dancing in the centre of the room and stopped upon two women who were
dancing extremely close to each other, hands roaming across each other’s bodies. Lily’s face
flushed pink and she glanced away only to be faced by two men in another corner passionately
snogging in a booth.

“Oh this is a-“ Lily said as she finally seemed to cotton on.

“Yes,” Regulus laughed. “The queer bars are always the most fun. Gotta be prepared to run though
because they are raided often enough but you’ll get used to it.” Lily’s awestruck expression didn’t
seem to relax with his warning, but he simply chuckled. He stood up and reached for her hand,
bringing her into the dancefloor to swing her around.

Lily squealed with delight as they danced to the thrumming jazz music, and it wasn’t long before
Regulus could feel the peak of his high begin to crest. He swung Lily around the room and pulled
Pandora in when she came to join them. Regulus couldn’t remember the last time he had had this
much fun in a club; he had been so used to being sullen and sultry.

When they had worn themselves out Regulus fell down into his chair next to Lily. He called the
waiter over and ordered a couple more gin and tonics before lighting up a cigarette. They drank and
danced and talked all evening until all three were completely plastered. Pandora had wandered off
and was dancing rather airily in the centre of the dancefloor, twirling her arms above her and
entirely in her own world. Lily had slumped forward across the table and was humming happily
along to the crooning singer on stage.

“You know, sometimes I feel like I’m already a ghost. Like I’m haunting my own life,” Lily said
rather unexpectedly. She sat up and reached for one of Regulus’ cigarettes. He paused and looked
at her with surprise, unsure of where this rather dark turn had come from.

“Why?” he asked. Lily shrugged and lit a cigarette.

“I don’t know, I’ve felt this way my entire life. It’s like… do you ever feel like you’re not really
living within your own body? Like everything you’re doing is a rehearsal, practicing for your
proper life that hasn’t started?” Regulus frowned, and studied her face, he didn’t respond but let her
continue. “The older I get, the more anxious I feel because it’s becoming clearer that there is no
rehearsal, this is it. Each new experience or new person I meet I think, I’ll know how to handle this
the next first time it happens. But it doesn’t, life keeps going and I keep practicing for the first
time.”

Regulus studied Lily’s face and saw a flicker of that same fear he had deep inside of him. For the
first time since meeting Lily, he understood what had drawn him to her so immediately.

“I do know what you mean,” he said after a moment. “I’m… well I’m barely here most of the time.
Watching things happen to me, but never really participating.”

Lily nodded and bit her lip as she took in Regulus’ words. She smiled gently and rested her head
against his shoulder. Regulus pulled his arm around her, and they sat there watching the music for
a while, content in each other’s company.

“I think that’s why I can’t let myself be with James,” Lily said after a moment. Regulus’ stomach
dropped at the mention of James, he had tried not to think about him, trying to compartmentalise
him as something far away in Godric’s Hollow. “I don’t know how to fall in love because I never
have before. And the idea of letting myself try… well it’s fucking terrifying. And James had
always been so sure, so determined that he wanted me, and I don’t trust it.”

“You don’t trust him?”

“No, it’s not that. I do trust him, but I don’t trust that he can honestly be feeling that way. How does
he know what love is when he decided he felt it when he was just a child?”

Regulus understood that too. James’ unnerving optimism and self-assuredness was entirely absurd
and was quite unnerving even for him. He also began to feel slightly guilty, that he might have
inserted himself into a situation he had entirely misread. Maybe Lily and James should be together,
and who was he swanning in and taking James for himself. He knew there was no longevity in their
affair, and all he was doing was delaying the inevitable and most likely hurting James in the
process.

“It’s like Remus, he always knew it was Sirius for him,” Lily continued.

“You think so?”

“Yeah, I do. He never said anything, but you could tell. The way he watched him, it was like he
had never seen anything so miraculous. I used to be a bit jealous to be honest.”

“Jealous?”

“Mmm, I definitely used to fancy Remus,” Lily said quite unexpectedly. Regulus snorted through
the drink he just had a sip of.

“Remus, really?”

“Yeah, don’t say you don’t see it,” Lily said with an eyebrow raised. “He’s sexy, and he was
always so nice to us girls at school. He never really hung around the other boys and was better off
for it.”

Regulus nodded. “Yes I suppose, he is attractive,” he conceded after a moment.

“I was so jealous when Mary started going out with him, but honestly I’m glad I never did-”
“Wait Remus and Mary?!” Regulus interrupted. Lily nodded as she took another sip of her drink.

“Oh yeah, they only went out for a few months when were like sixteen, I think. He broke it off, I’m
not sure why. Probably because of Sirius I’d imagine. Mary was pretty cut up about it at the time.”

“I wouldn’t have guessed.” Regulus said.

“Yeah, it was a long time ago. Mary got over it quick enough, I think she did anyway. She hates to
show it when she’s upset so it’s hard to tell sometimes. She never wants anyone to see that they’ve
hurt her, not that he did it intentionally of course.”

Regulus thought about it for a moment. He couldn’t picture them together, but he supposed Sirius
and Remus looked so natural by each other’s sides that it was difficult to imagine anyone else with
either of them.

“What about you anyway?” Lily asked.

“What about me?”

“Well what about your love life? Don’t tell me you didn’t have some posh boys hanging off you
when you lived here,” Lily said with a sly smile. Regulus smirked knowingly back.

“A few,” he said. He took a sip of his drink and raised his chin haughtily. Lily giggled and moved
closer.

“And…?” she asked imploringly. “I suppose it must be dull as hell being in Godric’s Hollow. The
fellas there are all duds.”

“I don’t know, James is pretty sexy,” the words tumbled out before he even realised what he had
said. Lily’s eyebrows shot up before she let out a burst of laughter.

“James?!” she cried. “Oh my, I’d have pegged you for more of a bad boy type.”

“He is pretty saccharine, I suppose,” he conceded.

“Yes, wait until springtime comes. He cries every time he sees a baby animal.”

Regulus smiled as he thought about it, the image was quite sweet really.

“It’s nice,” he said simply before taking a sip of his drink.

“Yes, he is.” Lily agreed. “And he has a fantastic arse.” Regulus spat out the mouthful of gin and
quickly proceeded to start choking at the shock of laughter. He pummelled a fist into his chest a
few times to gain control of himself before turning to Lily’s flushed laughing face.

“Yes he absolutely does,” Regulus agreed with a grin. “And his back muscles, and he has these
dimples on the small of his back, oh my god.” Regulus groaned, collapsing forward against the
table and banged his fist against the table for emphasis. Lily’s expression shifted slightly; a smile
still plastered on her face but a question in her gaze.

“I’ll have to take your word for it,” she said. Regulus looked up at her suddenly, realising that he
may have revealed too much. Lily was searching him with a curious look but didn’t press further
thankfully. She didn’t have time to ask more questions anyway as Pandora swayed her way over to
the table and announced that she was heading home.

The trio stumbled out of the club after gathering their coats and Regulus threw his arm around
Lily’s shoulder and they followed Pandora down the street. They were swaying wildly and the
support of each other seemed to be hindering their progress more than helping it.

“You’re not a ghost Lily,” Regulus said as they swayed down the quiet London street.

“What?”

“You’re not a ghost. You’re a fucking vision.”

Lily looked up at Regulus with a bright smile, her eyes were drooping slightly, but her brilliant
radiance was as present as ever. Regulus knew exactly why James had decided to marry her when
he was seven years old.

Regulus and Lily sprinted through Paddington station, pushing past the disgruntled passengers and
jumping over suitcases in their path. They had two minutes to make their train and with each step
Regulus thought he might just collapse and throw up right there in the station. They finally ran onto
the platform and Regulus swore loudly as the train pulled away just as they made it to the door.

“Fuck!” he exclaimed. He had hoped that if they had gotten the eight am train, they might not be
missed back in Godric’s Hollow, but it was seeming unlikely now. They searched the departure
board for the next one and groaned when they realised the only one heading their way was the
slow train terminating at Godric’s Hollow. It would take twice as long and mean they wouldn’t get
back until past midday.

When they eventually made it on to their train they pushed through the crowds to find seats in a
small compartment towards the back of the carriage. Lily collapsed against him and they both
immediately fell asleep, leaning against each other in a rather undignified sprawl. Regulus slept the
entire journey back to Godric’s Hollow, not waking for any of the many stops along the way. He
and Lily were only roused from their slumber when they heard an impatient rattling on the window
next to them.

Regulus opened his bleary eyes, removing his arm from around Lily to wipe the sleep away as he
blinked against the bright sunlight. He paused when he was met by the unimpressed faces of Sirius
and James standing outside the window on the platform.

“Oh fuck,” he muttered. Sirius had a scowl on his face and was clearly shouting something at him,
but Regulus couldn’t hear him through the glass.

“Where are we?” Lily said sleepily as she too began to wake up.

“We’re home.” Regulus said. “And we’ve been caught.” Lily straightened up suddenly and peered
around Regulus to Sirius and James’ unimpressed faces. Regulus caught eyes with James, he had
his arms crossed across his chest and an eyebrow raised.

“C’mon then, lets face the music,” Regulus grumbled. He and Lily stumbled off the train and were
quickly met by Sirius’ outraged figure bursting towards them.

“Where on earth did you two go? We were worried sick!” Regulus winced at Sirius’s loud
admonishments and pressed his fingers against his sore temples.

“Sirius, lower the volume, please,” he muttered.

“Oh lower the volume he says!” Sirius said disbelieving as he turned to James for back up.
“How’d you find us anyway?” Lily said from behind Regulus.

“Went looking for him at yours, your sister said you’d gone to Marlene’s. But turns out that was a
big fat lie wasn’t it!”

Lily bit her bottom lip as she began to smile. She quickly rearranged her features to a sombre
expression upon seeing Sirius’ unimpressed reaction. “Then when we went to Marlene’s she told
us that she saw you two running onto the train to London with packed bags! What were we
supposed to think? I thought you’d bloody run off together.”

“It’s one bag Sirius, and so what if we had?” Regulus said, he was getting a bit tired of the
dramatics.

“Oh don’t tell me you’ve gone and done something stupid. Did you get married? Are you knocked
up Lily, is that what this is?” Sirius asked.

Lily burst out laughing and Regulus frowned at Sirius’ ridiculous line of question. “The fuck are
you on about Sirius? I’m gay. You know this. We went out dancing, didn’t know it was a crime.”

Sirius frowned at them and crossed his arms. He was doing a good impression of their mother and
Regulus was quickly losing patience for the whole thing. He glanced up to James, expecting to see
the same look of disapproval on his face but was instead met by a small smile. His smile quickly
dropped to be replaced by a serious look of condemnation when Sirius swung around to face him
again.

“Does my sister know?” Lily asked.

“No,” James said finally. “As far as she’s concerned you were with Marlene all night.” Lily
nodded and smiled at James. She turned to Regulus and kissed him on the cheek.

“Thanks Reg, that was the best night of my life,” she waved at the others before picking up her bag
and sprinting off into the village.

“Alright, are you quite done with the theatrics?” Regulus said as he turned to Sirius. Sirius huffed
but seemed to have run out of steam.

“You could at least have invited us Reg,” Sirius said finally. Regulus laughed with the
ridiculousness of it all, the real reason for Sirius’ anger suddenly becoming apparent.

“Sorry,” he said half-heartedly and began making his way off the platform. He was quickly
followed by the two other men. Regulus spent the walk back to the manor hearing about all the
ways in which running off to London for the night was a terrible idea, and the many ways in which
Sirius thought he was surely dead in a ditch somewhere. It was as if Sirius still saw him as the
fourteen-year-old boy he had been when he’d left, and not the eighteen year old man who was
more than capable of looking after himself.

When they got back to the house Sirius sauntered off to find Remus who according to Sirius was
‘worried sick,’ Regulus doubted that somehow. Remus was far more sensible than his brother and
more than likely hadn’t given his whereabouts a second’s thought.

James followed Regulus up to his bedroom and quietly closed the door leaving them alone.

“Have fun then?” he said.

“Yup,” Regulus said, pointedly not looking at James while unpacking his small bag. He felt James’
arms wrap around him from behind.

“I was worried,” James said quietly. “I thought you had gone and left me.”

Regulus turned in James’ arms and looked up at him. “Oh! Oh I hadn’t thought- no I just wanted
Lily to have a good time. She’s moving there, to London.”

“She is?”

“Yes, and we’re going to get a flat together when she does. Well I’ll get a flat and she’ll stay while
she’s doing her dressmaking course,” the hastily made plan tumbled out his mouth. James tensed
around Regulus and pulled away. He bit his bottom lip and nodded shortly.

“Oh right, so you are leaving then?” his voice was small and wavered slightly.

“Um… yes. I thought you knew that? I was always going back.”

James continued nodding and looked up to the ceiling. He cleared his throat before speaking. “Yes
I suppose I did. I just thought… well it doesn’t matter.”

Regulus watched James struggle to hold back the tears that were clearly forming in his eyes and he
was struck by a sudden rush of sadness. He had been envisioning two separate paths he realised,
one where he could continue to live at the manor and stay in James’ arms every night and one
where he could go back to London and live with Lily. It only occurred to him in that moment that
the two plans could not coexist, he would have to choose one.

“You could come too?” he said weakly, already knowing that wasn’t really an option.

James shook his head, still unable to make eye contact. “Um, no I don’t think that’d work. I need to
be here you know, for the estate.”

“But you could visit? I’m not leaving you James, but my life- it’s there,” Regulus said. He pushed
forward and wrapped his arms around James, resting his head against his chest. James remained
tense but draped his arms around Regulus nonetheless. “Besides, what would I do here? It’s not
like we can get married and I’d become lady of the manor.” James huffed a laugh and tightened
his hold on Regulus.

“I suppose not, but this is your home now. You could just stay.”

Regulus inhaled deeply and buried himself further into James. He let his hands wander across
James’ arms and pressed a kiss against his cheek. He could feel James relax against him and so he
continued kissing him across his face until he reached his lips. He couldn’t promise to stay, but he
could give James this. James responded immediately to the kiss, drawing him in hungrily and
running a hand through Regulus’ hair.

“I want you to fuck me,” James whispered between kisses. Regulus’ stomach dropped with the
intense wave of arousal that pushed over him at the rough sound of James’ words.

“Are you sure?”

“Perfectly sure, please Reggie. If you’re going to leave me, give me that at least,” he said again.
Regulus groaned and steadied himself against James’ body, trying to find a reason to not push
James down onto his bed and have his way with him right there.

“Okay,” Regulus said and before he could continue speaking James caught his mouth in a
passionate kiss, he pushed Regulus back towards the bed with enthusiasm. “No, no James-”
Regulus laughed between kisses as he tried to push James away from himself. “Not now, tonight,
okay?”

James pulled back and was panting slightly he ran a hand through his hair and nodded. “Yes, okay.
Tonight. Right.”

James seemed to be in another world as he finally pulled away from Regulus, watching him with a
hungry desire. It took all the strength Regulus had in his body to gently push James out of his room
and not pull him into his bed.

Regulus spent the entire day jittery with anticipation. He could sense the same from James and at
dinner both men barely ate a bite. James was staring down at his plate with glazed eyes and several
times had to ask his mother to repeat herself.

“Are you okay dear?” Effie said when James didn’t respond the third time to one of her questions.
James’ eyes darted up and quickly met Regulus’ before turning to his mother.

“Oh yes mum, sorry think I’m a bit under the weather.”

Effie looked concerned and circled the table to place a hand on the back of James’ forehead. “You
are a bit hot, maybe you should have an early night?”

“Yes, yes I think I will,” James said quickly before darting up from the table and nearly sprinting
out of the room. Regulus wanted to run straight after him but he figured it would look a bit
suspicious, so he diligently sat and ate the rest of his meal. It was only when Sirius jumped up from
the table and left to go ‘see if Remus was okay’, that Regulus finally made his excuses and headed
up the stairs towards James’ room.

He cracked the door of the bedroom open only to find it empty, he quickly darted across the
corridor to his own room and slipped inside. James was already on his bed, wearing nothing but his
underwear and flicking through a book of poetry Regulus had left on his nightstand.

“Oh thank god,” James said when he heard Regulus enter the room. He threw the book down and
jumped up from the bed, crossing the room in a few quick strides and capturing Regulus’ face in
his hands. James kissed Regulus deeply and Regulus immediately returned the enthusiasm. “You
took so fucking long,” James murmured against his lips.

Regulus huffed a laugh and began walking James backwards towards the bed.

“Are you sure about this?” he murmured quietly.

“I’m certain,” James said clearly and unwaveringly. “I’ve not been able to think of anything else all
day, it’s driving me mad.”

Regulus took his time preparing James, running his hand soothingly through James hair as he
writhed beneath him. When James was clutching Regulus’ shoulders and begging him to fuck him,
Regulus finally allowed himself to line himself up and push into James.

“Ow.. ow stop!” James cried at the first intrusion. Regulus pulled away from James with such
speed he nearly toppled off the bed. James was spread out in front of him, his skin glistened with
sweat and coarse hair trailed down his stomach. He raised his hands to his head and wiped them
over his face in frustration. Regulus crawled over James’ body and kissed the sliver of forehead not
covered by James’ hands.
“It’s okay James, you don’t need to.”

“No, no I want to. I just… I didn’t realise it would hurt like that.” James said, he peeked an eye
from between his fingers at Regulus.

“It’s because it’s your first time. I probably didn’t spend enough time preparing you.” Regulus said
softly, desperately trying to ease James’ rising anxiety. James nodded gently in response.

“Okay, yes so let’s do that. Then try again.”

“James-” Regulus was about to protest that maybe this wasn’t the best idea when James surged up
and caught his mouth in a hungry kiss. He pulled away and stared with focused intent into
Regulus’ eyes. “Please Regulus, I really want this,” he said it with clear and determined resolve.
Regulus nodded and met his lips for another kiss.

“Alright, it might be easier if you turn over.”

James nodded and turned to his front; he peered over his shoulder at Regulus with a nervous
shudder. Regulus looked over his stretched-out body, his brown skin shone in the moonlight, a few
small moles flecked the toned planes of his back and Regulus was sure that this must be some sort
of vivid dream. He steadied himself against his rapidly beating heart and positioned himself behind
James, reaching for the small jar of Vaseline. He took his time preparing James and relished the
small groans and shivers he pulled from the other man. After what felt like hours of Regulus’ soft
caresses and soothing kisses, James was writhing against the sheets, his hands clenching the sheets
frantically.

“Please… Reg…” he panted. Regulus frowned and considered him, he wanted to be gentle, to
make it good for James, but the other man’s breathless pleading left Regulus unable to resist. He
gently tugged on James’ shoulder and pulled him over onto his back. James looked up at him with
glassy eyes and reached out to grasp onto Regulus. Regulus let himself be dragged down and
nestled himself against James’ body. Regulus kissed James, licking into his mouth as he finally
lined up and pushed. James cried out in shock before biting his fist to quell the noise. Regulus
stopped still, his arms keeping him hovered above James. He looked down at James’ red cheeks
and searched his eyes for discomfort.

“Are you okay?” he breathed out, quite shocked at his own ability to speak.

“Yes,” James panted before reaching out to grab Regulus’ body and pull him in further. Regulus
groaned in surprise at James’ sudden confidence and had to pause again to steady his heart. Once
he was confident James had adjusted, that he slowly pulled out and began thrusting gently. James
responded to each movement with miraculous sounds and his desperate groans quickly became
louder. Regulus panted into James’ mouth as his movements gained momentum.

“Fuck, fuck yes” James managed to groan as Regulus’ movements gained speed and he felt himself
quite out of control with each thrust. James scrabbled at Regulus’ back, marking his pale skin with
long red stripes and began meeting Regulus with every roll of his hips. Regulus quickly felt himself
reaching his peak and he reached down and grabbed James’ erection to pull him across the line
with him. Regulus let out an animalistic wail as he thrust one final time and James followed him
quickly after. Regulus collapsed on top of James, his breath was heaving, and he felt lightheaded.

James wrapped his arms around Regulus, holding him against his chest and began peppering
kisses across his face.

“Thank you,” James whispered into his ear.

“Me? Thank you,” Regulus responded incredulously. The idea of James thanking him after that
seemed quite ridiculous. “Jesus, I think we were a bit loud.”

James’ eyes grew wide and he glanced to the closed door. He met Regulus’ gaze again before
bursting out in laughter. “Oh fuck, you’re probably right,” he said. “It’s okay, Sirius is down at
Moony’s and mum and dad are deaf as doorknobs.”

Regulus sighed, to be honest he didn’t much care at that moment if the King of England heard
them.

Regulus woke up late the next morning, he patted the side of the bed to find it empty and cold.
James must have gotten up early and let him sleep in. Regulus got ready slowly and only made his
way down to the kitchen for breakfast when it was past nine. The kitchen was empty, everyone
else must have already headed off for the day. He was about to cut a slice of bread to for some
toast when he noticed a plate covered by a bowl sitting on the countertop. A note was laying on top
of it that simply read ‘Reg’. Regulus removed the bowl revealing a slightly cold bacon sandwich
waiting for him. He couldn’t help but smile at the small gesture from James. He gently drew his
finger across the simple ink on the page, it was only his name, but Regulus felt how much more it
meant.

He gratefully ate his sandwich and looked out to the grey sky. He was feeling particularly lazy, and
his mind kept drifting to the night before leaving him quite unable to do anything. On several
occasions, he found himself standing in the middle of a room, entirely zoned out and unsure of why
he had entered. He had decided to sit on the terrace and read for a bit, but as Byron described the
rich decadence of Venice, all he could think of was James’ flushed face and sweet moans.

Regulus had to shake himself out of a stupor when he heard Monty’s concerned voice calling from
behind him.

“There you are Regulus, come into the drawing room. There’s going to be an announcement,”
Monty said frankly. A cold wash descended over Regulus at the note of worry in Monty’s voice.
He hadn’t been paying much attention to the news over the past week, but this had got to have
something to do with the troubles on the continent. Regulus tentatively stood up and entered the
drawing room.

The others were already there, Monty and Effie were sat close to each other on the settee next to
the wireless. Sirius and Remus were sat on another settee, their figures hunched over and silent.
James was leant against a sideboard, biting his thumb. Regulus could feel the tension seeping out
from him immediately and his concern wasn’t dampened when James looked up and met his eye.
There was fear in his gaze, a true honest fear that left Regulus with a sinking feeling of foreboding.
Regulus took a hesitant step into the room and stood against the wall, his body tense as he waited
for the announcement to begin.

After a moment of silence, the wireless crackled into life and Chamberlain’s voice began echoing
around the room.

“I am speaking to you from the cabinet room at 10 Downing Street. This morning the British
ambassador in Berlin handed the German government a final note stating that unless we heard
from them by eleven o’clock that they were prepared at once to withdraw their troops from Poland,
a state of war would exist between us.

I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently this
country is at war with Germany.”
Regulus didn’t hear the rest of the announcement; all he could focus on was James’ deathly pale
face from across the room. He stumbled out of the drawing room and through the front door. His
chest felt tight, and he was burning hot through all of his extremities. He burst though the door and
stumbled forward across the gravel drive, looking up at the bright sky as he tried desperately to
inhale. It had always been coming, looming on the horizon like a monster just out of sight. But now
it was here, in front of them and unavoidable. All his fears that he had buried so deeply over the
course of the summer rushed over him in an immense wave.

He felt himself begin to run, he wasn’t sure where he was going or why he was running, just that
he needed to go. He ran until he could barely feel his legs, until his lungs burned, and his feet
became numb. He ran until he found himself at the base of the hill James had shown him on his
first day at Godric’s Hollow and he began to climb. When he reached the top, he collapsed against
a tree and stared out across the wide peaceful landscape.

He watched the small cottages nestled in the valley below and thought about all the people inside
them. Each of them coming to understand that they were at war, and it would affect them all.
Regulus wasn’t naïve enough to think that it wouldn’t, they had been through all this before. While
he hadn’t been alive during the first war, the effects were obvious and ever present. He wondered
how many men had left this small village not to return, how many mothers and sisters heard the
announcement and thought of their loved one who had been left to rot in Flanders Fields.

The powerlessness of the moment overwhelmed him, and he thought about the pact he had made
for himself only three years earlier. He was going to die when he was twenty-one. The sudden
reality that it may come a lot sooner was no comfort. This wasn’t on his terms; he hadn’t done all
he had wanted to do. He still wanted to live, just for a short while longer at least.

The day drew on and Regulus remained on the top of the hill for several hours, until the afternoon
light began to wane. Regulus turned, almost on instinct, and saw James crest the hill behind him. It
was as if his body was attuned to some disturbance in the air, a warning call from one of the birds
in the tree, or maybe it was just the thread of electricity that seemed to tie him to James. Regulus
watched as James’ figure approached, his tall athletic build stood solid against the bright horizon.

His shirt had a few buttons undone and he had his hands entrenched deeply into his pockets. His
eyes were laser focused on Regulus as he approached with long, confident strides. Regulus’ breath
caught in his throat as the dying light shone around James and seemed to stream straight through
him, making him appear as more of an apparition than a man. Regulus felt himself tugged up by
some invisible force and his feet began stumbling towards James without a conscious decision
being made.

When James had finally made it to Regulus, he didn’t speak. Regulus studied his features, his kind
eyes sparkled, and he wore that same comforting smile he always had. But Regulus was now able
to recognise a soft undercurrent of sadness that thrummed under the surface. It had always been
there, Regulus realised. It was far too easy to miss, and it almost certainly had been missed by
everyone who cared about him, masked by James’ charming grin and assured gait. The world had
been kind to James Potter, and he bore that weight heavily. He out of anyone Regulus had ever met
seemed uniquely aware of their place in the universe and was so determined to bring every poor
lost soul into his orbit of privilege. Regulus looked away from James’ penetrating stare and
towards the dimming horizon. He turned his back to James, uncomfortable with the scrutiny.

“So it’s happened then,” Regulus said quietly after a moment. Regulus felt James’ arms wrap
around him and James’ chin dropped to rest on his shoulder. Regulus tried to prevent his stomach
swooping at the feeling of James’ firm body pressed against him, wrapping him in its warm
embrace.
“Yep,” James said. His mouth was close to his ear and Regulus could feel the gentle breath leaving
goosebumps up the back of his neck. “It’s going to be okay Reg. We’re all going to be okay.”
James paused before speaking again. “The sirens went off in London already,” Regulus turned to
face James quickly, the sickly feeling of dread that immediately swooped in his stomach left him
feeling like he might collapse. James’ eyes immediately latched onto Regulus. “No, it’s okay. False
alarm.”

Regulus nodded, barely comforted. “They won’t all be false alarms.”

Small crinkles formed in the corners of James’ eyes and he nodded. “No. I don’t suppose they
will.” He paused and Regulus could tell that James was hesitating to say something.

“What is it, James?” he asked.

“Well the thing is… there was another announcement. On the wireless.” James stopped again. This
time it was James who looked away and out across the dull grey horizon. Regulus could hear the
faint chirp of birdsong as he waited with bated breath for James’ next words. “They’ve lowered the
conscription age to eighteen. We’re all going to have to register.” James said simply.

Regulus exhaled suddenly, his stomach plummeted with such swiftness he had to bend over and
rest his hands on his knees to slow the sudden wave of nausea. He felt James’ comforting touch on
his back, rubbing circles into his back with its gentle touch.

Regulus straightened himself up to look into James’ watery eyes. He didn’t have the words; he
didn’t know what he could say to convey the depths of the anxiety he was feeling. Sympathy? Self-
pity? Bravery? There was nothing but James and the tentative thread that held them together.
James pulled him in and held him against his chest. Even now, James was spending his energy on
comforting others, when he was destined for the same fate, and Regulus hated himself for it.

“I love you Regulus, we’re going to be okay,” James murmured into his ear. Regulus clenched his
eyes shut and tried to unhear it, to will James to take it back. He pulled away from James and
turned away.

“Don’t say that James,” he said simply.

“I love you,” James repeated.

“James, for fucks sake, stop it! Don’t you understand what’s happening here? We’re all about to be
shipped off to the continent and who knows if any one of us will come back alive. You can’t just
say things like that when everything is falling apart!” Regulus shocked himself with the veracity
with which the words tumbled out. “And I don’t believe you! You’re saying it because you want to
feel it, not because you do. Because if you knew me, really knew me, you’d know there is nothing
to love. I’m empty James and no amount of sex or sweet words or hope is going to make me
whole!” Regulus’ chest was heaving, and James looked like he had been slapped, the fear and
shock clear on his face.

Regulus turned to walk away but James grabbed hold of his arm, preventing him from moving.

“Let me go James,” Regulus said.

“No.”

“I said, let me go,” Regulus pulled his arm out of James’ grasp roughly and began to walk away.
James jogged after him and pulled him back once more.
“No, Regulus, we’re going to talk about this now. I love you. I love every part of you. I love the
way you talk about the things you love; I love that you don’t suffer fools, I love that you are so
unafraid to just be yourself. I loved you when you wore a fucking sequined suit, and I love you
when you’re wearing nothing at all.

“I love the way you glare through your eyelashes when you’re unimpressed, I love that you are
entirely unjudgmental despite pretending to be the most pretentious git alive. I love teasing smiles
from you, and I love the way your laugh bursts from your chest like even you’re surprised by it. I
love your stupid fucking curly hair and the way it falls into your eyes. I love your lips and your
skin, and your fucking wounded heart.

“And I’m fucking blessed Regulus that you revealed even a small amount of that to me. I’m willing
to worship at your altar for the rest of my wretched life if you’d let me.”

James’ cheeks were pink with exertion and he was staring at Regulus with wild, angry eyes.

“Why are you so determined James? Loving me is a fucking foolish thing to do.”

“Then I’m a fool.”

“You can’t say this. Not now, not when we’re about to go off and… They’ll only be calling
unmarried men at first, right? Then marry Lily, marry Marlene! For fucks sake, do something for
yourself that isn’t trying to save something that is already lost!”

“I don’t care if you don’t say it Reggie. It’s okay if you don’t feel it. I love you and that’s enough
for me. My heart is more than used to being alone.”

Oh that hurt. Regulus looked into James deep brown eyes, and he understood that James was being
entirely earnest. And Regulus also knew that every weak shuddering breath he took was taken in
the name of James Potter. His cold withered heart had the man’s name etched in like a scar.
Regulus couldn’t say it back though, he couldn’t find the strength to hope, they were already a
tragedy and their story had already been written. Standing together on the cold windy hill, they
were two doomed men and Regulus couldn’t say those cursed words back. Oh darling, I’m going
to break your heart.
 Chapter 11

Sirius

“Swanned off to London with Lily didn’t he! What a bellend,” Sirius grumbled. He was pacing the
small living room of Remus’ cottage, waving his hands in aggravation as he retold the story of
finding Regulus and Lily passed out against each other on the train. “No consideration for what I
would have thought, no consideration of Effie and Monty. What if they’d died? How did he think
that would make them feel?”

“He only went to London, Pads. He’s a grown man.” Remus reasoned.

Sirius shot him an unimpressed frown; he really wasn’t sure why Remus wasn’t seeing the gravity
of this situation. “He’s too irresponsible, he can’t be running off at every opportunity.”

Sirius huffed and sat heavily on the sofa next to Remus. He crossed his arms and glared out the
window at the grey sky beyond. He was in a mood, with Regulus for running off, with Remus for
not understanding how serious the whole thing was. The only person who seemed to have a
reasonable amount of concern about the whole affair was James. When Marlene had told them
about seeing Regulus running off with Lily he had looked like he had been slapped. It occurred to
Sirius then that James must have been worried that Regulus had stolen Lily away from him, not
that she was his to begin with, but Sirius wasn’t about to tell James that. Sirius hadn’t seriously
thought they had run away together of course, but it did seem like the kind of reckless thing
Regulus would do. And Remus liked girls too, so who was Sirius to judge if it turned out that Lily
had turned Regulus’ head?

Sirius stood up again and paced the room, too energised by anger to rest. He only stopped when he
spotted movement from the corner of his eye. Remus had pulled off his jumper and shirt in one
swift movement. He stood and threw his shirt on the sofa and stretched widely.

“I’m going to have a quick bath. Just bloody talk to him Sirius, you know you need to.” Remus
said. Sirius wasn’t listening, he was staring open mouthed at Remus’ bare torso. He still wasn’t
used to being allowed to look. He had spent so many years peering at the other man when he
would come back from the holidays. He hadn’t realised at the time what was so captivating about
Remus, just that all he wanted to do was look at him. Even where his skin was mottled and scarred
from the fire he survived as a child, it only made him more beautiful in Sirius’ eyes, more unique,
more… well more Remus. And that was the crux of it really. Sirius reckoned that Remus’ identical
twin could walk through the door, and he wouldn’t feel a thing for him. His unreasonably tall
frame, defined torso, and high cheekbones were certainly pleasant to look at sure. But it was that
spark that lived inside him, the mischievousness that he was so clever at hiding, his hardworking
character, and his complete inability to give a shit what other people thought of him. It was all
those things that made him his Moony.

Sirius could never quite understand how his life had led him to the point that he was now spending
most nights curled up with Remus in his cottage, but he had vowed to never question it or take it
for granted. He could feel a familiar tug of fear, however, whenever he looked at Remus. He
couldn’t help but wonder when the other man would see the real him, to see what a fucking joke
Sirius was, how utterly unworthy. He tried not to dwell on it, but as each day bled into the other in
a dreamy euphoria, he knew that the day Remus woke up and told him to fuck off was just a day
closer than it had been the day before.

Remus was watching Sirius with a sly smirk; he had clearly noticed Sirius’ unabashed gawping.
Not that Sirius was doing much to hide it.

“Want to join?” he asked.

Sirius snapped his mouth shut, and tried to regain a small shred of dignity. He nodded slowly and
began walking towards Remus in slow measured movements. Remus’ eyes darted over Sirius’
figure and his smirk took on an edge of danger. In a sudden burst of movement, Sirius jolted
forwards and sprinted past Remus towards the small creaking staircase. He trampled up the stairs
as fast as he could, using his hands to propel him up. Remus cackled behind him and quickly
followed suit. Sirius felt himself tugged backwards just as he was about to reach the top of the
staircase. He was manhandled and landed on his back on the staircase and the quick movement
drew the breath out of him. Remus took care to lay him down gently, but it still felt as if he had
been lifted off his feet.

Sirius looked up at Remus who slinked over him and he felt that bolt of electricity that had never
even slightly dimmed since their first kiss, it seemed to only burn hotter and brighter as time went
on. Remus bent down and kissed Sirius gently.

“I win,” he mumbled against Sirius’ lips.

“Mmm,” was all Sirius was able to reply. Remus straightened up and reached out a hand to help
Sirius up, but Sirius pulled him back down until they were laying flush against each other halfway
up the staircase. He couldn’t wait even the ten seconds it would take them to reach the bathroom.
He needed Remus now, and he needed all of him. Remus had a gravity pulling him towards him,
and Sirius thought that it had always been there, he had always been hurtling towards the other
man’s orbit and even now with Remus in his arms, it still felt like it had taken too long to get there.

Later, when Sirius and Remus were tangled up in the sheets of Remus’ small single bed Sirius
looked around the small dark bedroom. It was barely big enough to fit the single bed and a small
dresser.

“You should move into your father’s room.” Sirius said. “We won’t have to be cramped up like
this.”

Sirius felt Remus stiffen next to him, he was staring up at the ceiling with a deep frown etched on
his face.

“I know its difficult, but you need to start going through his things, making this place your own.”

“I know… I tried.” Remus said after a moment. “I tried the other day, but I took one step in there
and… I saw his work jacket, laid out on his chair ready to be worn the next day.” Remus stopped
and cleared his throat. He shook his head as tears began to form. “It’s so stupid, I know. He was a
fucking bastard most of the time.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said. Remus looked at him with surprise. Sirius shrugged and flipped over. He
rested on Remus’ chest and began playing with his chest hair. “Well it’s true. He was a bastard
most of the time. He used to call me a poncy git with girly hair.” Remus huffed a laugh and
reached up to take a lock of hair between his fingers.

“I like your girly hair.”

“Me too,” Sirius agreed. “But that doesn’t change the fact that he was your father, and you can’t
just turn off love. And he did love you too, so much, he just couldn’t love himself.”
Remus clenched his mouth and nodded, emotion welling up in him. “It comes in waves, like I’m
fine most of the time and then something happens that reminds me of him, of one of the good days
and I feel like I’m falling with nowhere to land.”

“You can land on me,” Sirius said sincerely.

Remus looked at him a moment at Sirius sincere expression and then burst out laughing. “I can
land on you? So I can take you out with me?”

“No! I’d catch you, I was continuing your metaphor!” Sirius said rather disgruntled.

“All I’m picturing now is hurtling down towards you and absolutely obliterating you. God, can
you imagine the mess.”

“Moony you’re ruining my romantic statement.”

Remus continued laughing and kissed Sirius sweetly. “Thank you Pads, I’m glad that you’ll let me
squish you in my grief.”

Sirius grumbled, still a bit annoyed that his metaphor had been taken so literally, but he honestly
couldn’t care that much when Remus’ hands were trailing down his body. “Well, I still think you
should clear out that room, we can paint it, get new sheets, a new dresser. That small one won’t fit
both our things.”

“Both our things?” Remus said.

“Well I’m not stuffing my clothes in all haphazard, I may be disowned but I still know how to keep
my things nice.”

“No, I mean- you want to what… move in?”

“Um…” Sirius hesitated and looked up at Remus. It suddenly occurred to him that they hadn’t
really discussed a permanent situation. Sirius had come down to the cottage with Remus when he
had moved back and had returned each evening. But obviously Remus would want his own space,
it was far too presumptuous to assume that he would want Sirius to stay for any long stetch of time.
Sirius’ thoughts began to whirl away from himself as he realised that Remus probably didn’t see
this as anything that permanent in general. Sure, he had said he loved him, many many times, but a
lot of people say things they don’t really mean when caught up in lust. And surely Remus wanted a
proper family one day. Sirius hadn’t really considered it before, but Remus was perfectly capable
of finding a woman to settle down with and have children. Why on earth would he want to settle
for Sirius? Just the hassle of dealing with the whispered judgments of other people in the village
who would undoubtedly raise their eyebrows at the two men sharing a cottage together would
surely be too much.

“Stop that,” Remus said, pulling Sirius out of his thoughts.

“Stop what?”

“Spiralling. I can see the panic all over your face. I was just asking because I didn’t realise you
wanted to. Do you want to live here? When your room up at the manor is practically the size of this
whole place?”

Sirius looked around Remus’ poky room with its threadbare curtain, creaky floorboards and
limewashed walls.
“Are you joking? This place is perfect, and quite frankly I’d move into a cardboard box as long as
it was with you.”

A wide grin spread across Remus’ face and he wrapped his arms around Sirius, flipping them over
so he was leaned over him. “You can’t be real,” Remus murmured and began dotting kisses against
Sirius’ neck.

“Alright, I better be off. As much as Effie doesn’t mind me staying here all the time, I think she’d
actually murder me if I missed too many dinners. James too.” Sirius frowned as he buttoned his
trousers and thought about how he had once again run off and spent the day away from his friend.
“I think I need to make more of an effort, I’ve been leaving the poor sod on his own for the entire
summer.”

“He’s alright,” Moony said. He stretched out on the bed and was unashamedly watching Sirius
dress. “He has Marlene and the girls to keep him company. And Regulus too I suppose.”

Sirius huffed and rolled his eyes at Remus. “Oh right, like he’s any company. I’m sure they’re
getting on like two peas in a pod.” Sirius laughed as he thought about it, his younger brother and
James becoming mates. It was a ridiculous thought. However, the reminder of the fact that he was
not only neglecting James, but also Regulus hit him and Remus seemed to pick up on the subtle
shift in tension.

“You should talk to him. Regulus.”

“I do talk to him.”

“Properly I mean. Neither of you have really spoken about any of this. You didn’t see each other
for years, and now you’re two grown men suddenly thrust into each others company, of course its
going to be a bit strange. But he’s probably pretty lonely.”

Sirius frowned and tried to think of a retort, but the truth was he knew that Remus was right.

“And I wasn’t going to say it but I think it was probably good for him to go off last night with Lily.
I mean at least he’s made a friend here right?”

Sirius glared at Remus, horrified by his betrayal. Remus laughed at his outraged expression and
stood up to encircle Sirius in his arms.

“Alright drama queen, I take it back, he was definitely minutes from death.”

Sirius nodded curtly but eased himself into Remus’ embrace. “Exactly. Hey, maybe I can get him
to put a word in with Lily for Prongs. Poor fella, I’m convinced all he needs is a good shag.”

“Oh like you’re the expert? You were a blushing virgin a few weeks ago.”

“And I’ve made great strides in those few weeks. I’m a very fast learner Moony and I’ll trust you
not to question it or I might find someone else to hone my skills with.”

Remus laughed again and began walking towards the bathroom. “Alright then. But I might not
push anything with Lily, I’m pretty sure if she wanted James she’s had plenty of opportunity to act
on it. No need to harass the poor woman.”

“Yeah I suppose you’re right. What about Marlene? I always thought she was a better match for
James anyway.”
“Ha! You’re clueless.” Remus’ voice echoed as he entered the bathroom and turned on the taps.
Sirius frowned, quite unsure as to what was so wrong about the idea. He called out his goodbyes to
Remus and rushed off to the manor.

“and that consequently this country is at war with Germany” the words echoed around the room
and a stunned silence descended upon them all. Sirius immediately glanced up and caught James’
eye, he looked thunderstruck and in the first time in Sirius’ life he saw fear etched onto his friends
face. Regulus bolted from the room and nobody moved to go after him, Sirius fully understood he
instinct to run. If his legs weren’t weighed down like lead he was sure he would have sprinted
straight out the door behind his brother.

They remained in sombre silence for a while longer and it was only when it was confirmed that the
conscription age had been lowered that Monty finally moved. He stood straight up and walked out
of the room, not looking any of the group in the face as he left. James quickly walked after him and
shot a bleak look towards Sirius before he left. Effie began sniffling quietly, she had her head
bowed in her hand and she looked much smaller than she ever had before. Sirius quickly made his
way over to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. He didn’t have any consolidatory words
to tell her, the small flame of hope within him was quickly losing oxygen, but she leaned into his
body regardless.

Sirius finally looked at Remus’ face, he was ashen and stony, staring straight out into the middle
distance.

“I’m going to take a walk,” Remus said finally.

“Want me to come with?” Sirius asked hopefully. Remus glanced between Sirius and Effie and
shook his head. “No, you stay here.”

Sirius’ heart dropped but he agreed, he held Effie closer to him and tried to provide some comfort
to the only mother figure he had ever really had.

A few hours later, Sirius walked down to Remus’ cottage and found it empty, he looked into each
of the rooms but Remus was nowhere to be found. He sat heavily on the living room sofa and
stretched out against the worn wool blankets that covered the threadbare material. He had begun to
drift off when there was a rapid knock at the door. Sirius peeled himself up from the couch and
opened the front door to greet Mary who was stood on the other side. Her large brown eyes were
full of concern, and she appeared to be out of breath, as if she had hurried to the cottage.

Sirius was used to feeling jealous, it was a rope that knotted itself around him when he was just a
child. He was so used to the feeling now, that he barely noticed anymore. He was jealous first of
his baby brother, who was so young and carefree and didn’t quite grasp what Sirius had to do in
order to protect him. Because he always had, protected Regulus that is, he had taken the blame for
any of Regulus’ misbehaviour, taking beatings on his behalf, and took the brunt of his parent’s
disappointment as their first born. The first time he had put himself first had been the one big
mistake he had made in his life, he had left Regulus behind.

He was jealous of James too, that particular vice was particularly barbed. He loved James like a
brother, he would die for him he was certain of it. But he couldn’t help the tug of resentment he felt
when he first met the tall confident eleven-year-old who had never suffered a day in his life. Even
now, after everything James and his family had done for him, he would occasionally watch them
from a distance, unable to entirely breech the close family ties that kept the Potters so deeply
connected. And Remus, well Sirius had always been jealous of Remus. At first it was his height,
his physique, his easy confidence with the girls. He came to realise much too recently that that
particular source of envy was less about wanting to be him and more about just wanting him. He
still wished he had Remus’ carefree attitude about what others thought about him. Because Sirius
did care, he wanted so desperately to be liked, to be loved, unconditionally.

Mary however, well he had only felt jealous of her once. Not because there wasn’t anything to
envy of course, she was beautiful, confident, and extremely clever. No, it was when James received
a letter from Remus when they were at school updating him on the happenings back at Godric’s
Hollow. James had quite excitedly declared that Remus had a ‘beau’. Sirius remembered how he
had dreaded returning to Godric’s Hollow that summer, he hadn’t wanted to see it. He didn’t
understand why he was so uncomfortable with the idea that Remus had a girlfriend, he liked Mary
why shouldn’t they go out? As it turned out, their short-lived affair was over before the summer
began, and both Mary and Remus seemed to slip back into a comfortable friendship. Sirius might
never have known it had happened if not for Remus’ letter.

Seeing Mary at Remus’ door now, Sirius couldn’t help but feel that familiar bubbling of anxiety in
his stomach. Mary had her dark curly hair pulled back in a tight bun and her dark skin was
beautifully complimented by the light pink cotton dress she wore. Standing at the threshold of the
cottage with the light streaming in behind her, she looked a vision. Sirius straightened his back and
plastered his most welcoming grin on his face, attempting to seem unwavered by her sudden
appearance.

“Hi Mary, what are you doing here?” he asked.

“Oh, I just popped by to see Moony.” Mary responded. She flickered her eyes away and shifted
awkwardly on her feet. Sirius supposed that he probably owed Mary an apology, he had certainly
given her the impression that there might have been something between them before Remus swept
him away.

“Right. He’s not here,” was all Sirius managed to say.

“Yes. Well… well tell him I popped by, would you?”

Sirius nodded his head in affirmation and took a few steps towards Mary. “Listen, Mary I’m sorry
if I… I’m sorry if I ever led you on you know.” The words were bumbling and pathetically
inadequate, he wasn’t sure exactly what he was even trying to say.

“Oh, that’s alright Sirius.” Mary said in a small voice. Mary bit her lower lip and turned as if to
leave, before apparently changing her mind. “Really Sirius, I never thought that…you know, you
and I could be a thing. I’m pretty sure I knew how head over heels you were for Remus before I
actually knew it.”

“You did?”

“I think so. You always gravitated towards each other, I could never really match up to him and it
makes sense now why.”

“Still- I’m sorry regardless, you deserve someone that doesn’t let you be outshined.”

“Yes, well you’re right about that,” Mary said with a smile. The tension between them eased
slightly as they both chuckled and Sirius was grateful that he had at least gotten that out of the way.
“I’m so scared for him though. For all of you. That’s why I came by, I don’t know… I just needed
to see him. It’s terrifying what you’ll be facing, I can’t understand it if I’m being honest, the
gravity of this whole thing.”
Sirius considered Mary’s words, he himself was having some trouble really understanding what
was about to happen. It all seemed so abstract, the idea that he, Moony, James and even Regulus
were about to become soldiers seemed so absurd that he was certain there would be another
announcement stating that the whole thing had been called off.

“He’ll be okay Mary. We all will,” Sirius said. Mary’s eyes began glistening and she nodded
briskly at his words.

“Yes. Well… just tell him I came by would you?”

Sirius agreed and watched as Mary’s figure departed up the small stony lane towards the village.
She loves him. The words in his head were clear and ringing and Sirius ached with the sudden
clarity. Did Remus know? Would he care if he did? Sirius wasn’t sure he wanted to find out, he
didn’t care if it was selfish, he just wanted to keep Remus close to him and prevent anyone else
from breeching their rapturous bubble.

Sirius left the cottage and wandered around the grounds looking for Remus for a significant while
when he didn’t come home. He wasn’t too concerned, he knew Remus just needed some time to
himself, but he couldn’t help but feel the sting slightly. He wandered into the woods between
Remus’ cottage and the manor and meandered his way through the tall oak trees without much
direction.

It was after fifteen minutes of wandering aimlessly that he heard a loud sharp whistle from
somewhere above him. A shiver ran down his spine and he peered around the gloomy forest for the
source of the noise, it had begun to get dark and Sirius suddenly felt himself on edge.

“Oi, up here!” Remus voice echoed around him. Sirius spun around, more confused than ever when
a twig landed in his hair. He glanced up to the direction of the projectile to see Remus’ handsome
face staring down at him from the treetop. He appeared to be sitting in a rather decrepit tree house.
It was more of a platform consisting of several planks of wood and a worn rope ladder. Sirius
didn’t know if he was more glad to see Remus or confused that he never knew that the ramshackle
treehouse existed.

Sirius quickly made his way over to the rope ladder and began climbing up, the rope stretched
beneath his weight, and it creaked with each step. It was clearly not made for a full-grown man and
Sirius took a deep breath to steady his nerves. When he finally reached the top, he hauled himself
onto the platform, stretching out his arms to balance himself. The old creaky planks groaned with
each movement and he froze. He grimaced as he considered the idea that after all this, it might be a
bloody rotten treehouse that gets him and Remus killed.

After a few moments, when it became clear that the wood was not about to collapse beneath them,
he looked up at Remus’ amused expression.

“You alright?” he asked.

Remus nodded. “You?”

Sirius smiled and suddenly felt quite unable to speak. “Did you um… did you have a good walk?”

Remus’ expression softened and he shifted his body around until he was sat next to Sirius. “Sorry
about that,” he said. “I didn’t mean to run off on you, it’s just… it’s a lot you know?”

“Yeah, I do.” Sirius replied. “Monty and Effie are pretty shaken I think.” He looked up at Remus
and focused on the freckles that peppered his fair skin. “We’ll be alright,” he wasn’t sure if it was
a question or a reassurance. The truth was, he felt so entirely weightless, unsure of what to do or
say, or even think. Remus leaned down and kissed him on the cheek.

“Yes, we’ll be okay.” The words were so certain from Remus mouth, that Sirius couldn’t find it in
himself to believe them to be untrue. If Remus said they would be okay, then there didn’t seem to
be a world in which they wouldn’t be.

“I love you Moony, so much. I know I’m ridiculous and not nearly good enough but-“

Remus cut him off with a kiss, he grabbed Sirius's face in his hands and looked him firmly in the
eye. “You’re not ridiculous. You’re a miracle Sirius, and I’m going to make sure that you
understand that if either of us is unworthy, it is me.”

Sirius was about to protest when Remus cut him off with another kiss. Sirius sank into his arms
and felt the bubbling fear within him wash away. Remus murmured words of endearment against
his mouth and Sirius felt his hands trailing down his body towards his belt.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, and bright, and funny, and…” whatever Remus was about to say was
cut off as he bent down and took Sirius into his mouth. The gasp that Sirius let out echoed around
the tall trees surrounding them and he leaned his head back against the rough bark of the trunk
behind him. Remus murmured, apparently still trying to speak words of endearment even as his
head bobbed and with his mouth full. Sirius couldn’t help but laugh and ran his hand through
Remus’ hair. He would never get enough of him; he had spent five years wishing for something he
didn’t realise he wanted and now he was going to savour every last moment he had with Remus.

The four men walked into the village the following Wednesday morning. It was a bright and calm
day and it seemed quite at odds with the gravity of what they were about to do. They made their
way to the small church hall which had been set up as a makeshift registration centre. When they
walked into the hall, it had been transformed into what looked like a temporary hospital. There
were rails of curtains dividing the room into sections, behind which Sirius could just make out a
hospital bed and some equipment he was a bit scared to find out the use for.

They made their way over to the corner of the room where a series of fold up chairs had been laid
out ready for the men of the village to occupy. He could already see a few familiar faces in the
group of young men scattered across the chairs. Marlene’s brother Tommy was there, as was that
oaf William whose gaze lingered a bit too long on Remus for Sirius’ liking. They sat in silence as
each man was called up and brought behind one of the paper-thin curtains for their medical check-
ups.

Eventually, when Sirius’ name was called, he stood and gently squeezed Remus’ shoulder. For his
sake or Remus’, he wasn’t sure. He made his way behind the curtain and was faced by a stony-
faced nurse in an impeccably ironed uniform.

“Sit up there Mr Black and we’ll get started,” she said.

Sirius endured nearly half an hour of poking and prodding and some frankly invasive questions, not
all of which he answered honestly. When the nurse made him do fifty push ups in front of her, he
was sure that she was taking the piss and just seeing how much she could get away with. He was
going to say something snarky but something in her stern gaze reminded him of his old
schoolteacher McGonagall, and he had never quite been able to talk back to her.

Finally, the nurse nodded and prodded Sirius out of the curtains, through the hall, and behind
another set of curtains in which a man in a dark grey uniform sat behind a small wooden desk. He
was a tall man, probably in his forties, with dark black hair peppered with grey. His uniform was
adorned with silver medals and Sirius looked curiously at the wings that adorned his jacket.

“Mr Black?”

“Yes sir,” Sirius replied, his public-school habits quickly falling back into place. The term seemed
to please the soldier in front of him and he gestured at Sirius to sit down. The stern faced nurse
handed the man a piece of paper, presumably the results from Sirius’ medical and he spent a good
five minutes studying it with a furrowed brow.

“Very well Mr Black. You’re in good shape overall, eyesight is good, and it says here you speak
French?”

“Yes sir,” Sirius replied.

“And you went to Hogwarts? I know of a fair few officers who are alumni of that establishment,
that bodes well for your prospects in the British Army.” The solider stopped and looked up at
Sirius. “My name is Sergeant Prewett, it’s my job to better understand where you fit within our
ranks. I see that you are currently unemployed, what are your ambitions?”

Sirius hesitated, not quite sure of what to answer. The truth was his ambitions currently didn’t
extend beyond learning how to farm and living a quiet life with Remus. He was sure that wasn’t
the answer Prewett was looking for, however. “I’m- I’ve been taking some time off. Learning how
to run my family’s estate. I might go to university; I haven’t decided yet.”

Sergeant Prewett frowned and looked over the document in front of him again. “Your family? It
says here that you are currently residing on the Potter estate?”

“Oh yes, well they’re my family. They took me in when I was fifteen,” Sirius said, a bit annoyed
that he was being challenged.

“Right. And what about your ambitions in the British Army?”

“I don’t have any?” Sirius said. “My hand is sort of being forced here.”

Sergeant Prewett didn’t speak for a long moment, inspecting Sirius from behind his small desk.

“Right you are,” he finally said after a moment. “Mr Black I think you’d be a good candidate for
the RAF. There will be plenty of opportunity for advancement, and you’ll learn how to fly and
maintain airplanes. I will warn you however, that the training is rigorous, and you will need to be
extremely disciplined. It will be highly dangerous, but it is also extremely rewarding work. How
does that sound?”

Sirius was taken aback and his eyes flicked back to the silver badges gilding the soldier’s chest. He
considered it a long moment but all thoughts of the war he was about to enter were pushed quickly
from his mind as he thought about the fact that he might actually be able to fly a plane, not just fly
one but learn how to command one. It wasn’t an ambition he had even remotely considered in his
life, but he could feel the adrenaline begin to course through his body at just the idea of being up
among the clouds.

“Yes sir,” Sirius replied. “That sounds perfect.”

Sergeant Prewett’s searching gaze softened at the words and he began writing on some paperwork
with a satisfied smile.
“Very well, Mr Black. You will get a letter in due course informing you of your duty station and
training date.” He didn’t look up as he spoke and Sirius shifted in his seat uncomfortably for a few
moments until he realised that the other’s mans silence was a clear dismissal. Sirius jumped up
from his chair and quickly made his way out into the bright sunshine outside the hall.

He spotted James and Regulus sitting together on a wall across the road from the hall and he
jogged over. “Give me fag,” he said to James who offered his cigarettes immediately.

“How did it go?” James asked.

“Fine, I think. RAF,” James and Regulus’ eyebrows raised in unison at his announcement. “Why,
what did you get?”

“Infantry from the sounds of it,” James said.

“How did you get picked for that?” Regulus said with some resentment in his voice. Sirius
shrugged at his brother; a bit annoyed at the shock that he could be chosen for something that
Regulus wasn’t. Sirius joined James on the wall and took a drag of his cigarette and watched the
trail of young men entering and leaving the village hall.

“Moony’s taking a while,” James said after a moment, the worry audible in his voice.

Sirius watched the door attentively and smoked two cigarettes before Remus’ tall figure came
bursting out of the hall. He stopped just outside the doors and took a deep breath before catching
sight of Sirius across the road. His face was red and sullen, and he buried his hands in his pockets
as he strolled over to the group.

Sirius immediately knew that something was the matter and he jumped up off the wall to meet
Remus.

“What happened?” he asked.

Remus didn’t speak for a long moment; he squinted up into the bright sunlight before speaking in a
strained voice. “I’ve not been cleared.”

“What do you mean?” Sirius couldn’t quite understand what Remus was saying.

“I’ve been rejected,” Remus said again. His face was ashen, and Sirius couldn’t understand the
juxtaposition between the words he was saying and his miserable countenance.

“What do you mean you’ve been rejected?”

“I didn’t pass the medical checks did I. I told them I’m perfectly fit, and fine my hip hurts
occasionally and my breathing isn’t the best, but I’m probably fitter than half the men they are
signing up.” Sirius knew that it was more than an occasional bad hip, but he let Remus continue
uninterrupted, certain that he wouldn’t appreciate this being pointed out. “Besides, once he found
out I was a farmer that sort of sealed the deal. Apparently, it’s a ‘key industry’ and can’t be
spared.”

Sirius felt his heart flip with relief as he finally understood what Remus was saying. “Moony this is
great,” he said with a bright smile, Remus simply looked at him with sceptical glare. “Don’t you
see? You won’t have to go, you can stay here! This is great news!”

Remus huffed and began to walk away.

“Hey! Where are you going?” Sirius called and he jogged after Remus. When he got no response,
he grabbed hold of Remus shoulder to pull him round and face him. “What’s the problem Moony?
It’s like you want to go or something.”

“You don’t have a fucking clue do you Sirius?” Remus said with some bite. Sirius recoiled at the
uncharacteristic bitterness in his voice.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You know what they’re fucking fighting for right? You know what they’re saying about people
like me, what they want to do to people like me?” Remus’ eyes began to water, and he looked at
Sirius with a thunderous fury. “That’s right, you don’t fucking know, because all you have been
paying attention to is the fact that you don’t want to go. And I get it Sirius, really, I do. I’m fucking
terrified, but what kind of fucking coward am I that I can’t even fight for my own people?” Remus
took a few heaving breaths.

Sirius watched him carefully, his heart sank, and he realised how selfish he had been. The truth
was he didn’t know, he barely understood what had led to this stupid war beyond a madman in a
far away country wanting more power. He watched the anguish in Remus’ features and abruptly
recognised the depth of pain he was feeling. This wasn’t something Remus was being forced to do,
for him it was personal. “I don’t even know the fucking prayers Pads,” Remus muttered after a
moment. “Even if all I can do is pray for them, I never fucking learned how.” Remus broke down
into heaving sobs, his breath coming in short sharp gasps. Sirius grabbed a hold of him and held
onto him tightly. He rubbed his back and passed a hand through Remus’ hair, gently caressing his
shaking body.

“I’ll fight for them,” Sirius said quietly. “I’ll not be fighting for king or country or any of that, I’ll
be fighting for you. And I’ll fight for them.” He didn’t know what those small words could do to
help but Remus’ began sobbing harder against Sirius’ chest, clutching on to him like a small child.

That evening was a sombre one, they sat in the drawing room of the manor and listened to the
stream of news pouring out of the wireless. When the tension became too stifling, Sirius strolled
out the patio doors and lit a cigarette. He looked across the long lawn and spotted James laid out on
the grass. He was laying spreadeagle on the ground and Sirius had the alarming thought that
something might be wrong with him. He quickly jogged over and towered over James’ figure.
When he established that he was not passed out or dead he flopped down besides James and
mirrored his position.

“What are we doing?”

“Just thinking,” James replied. He was watching the stars above him; it was a cloudless night and
and the sky sparkled with them. Sirius found that his eyes were instinctively drawn to his own star,
he didn’t often seek it out, he preferred not to be reminded of its companions in the sky. He
glowered at the blinking star and flashed his eyes to the bright full moon instead. He focused on its
vivid face and shadowy peaks, peering down at him and he smiled.

“Fellas,” Remus voice came from behind them, and Sirius’ heart leapt. Even now, he still felt a jolt
of nervous energy whenever Remus was around. Sirius felt Remus body sink down onto the grass
next to him and Sirius couldn’t help himself but to turn his head to look. Remus was staring up at
the sky, his high cheekbones were highlighted by the streaming moonlight. Remus didn’t ask what
they were doing, seemingly content with just lying there with them.

They lay in silence for a few moments until they heard the crunch of footsteps behind them. Sirius
didn’t need to turn and look to recognise them as Regulus’, he would always be able to pick him
out. Regulus didn’t say anything but simply joined the three prone men on the grass, laying down
besides James.

“What’s mine?” James voice broke the silence after a moment.

"Hmm?” Sirius asked.

“Well you and Reg have your own stars, Moony’s is- well the moon obviously. I want to be up
there with you all,”

Sirius looked up at the cosmos and realised he was right, it seemed awfully unfair that the brightest
among them wouldn’t be represented. Sirius furrowed his brows and thought about it a moment, he
scanned the heavens and tried to find something that would best represent his best and oldest
friend, nothing seemed to be worthy enough.

“Maybe I could be a shooting star?” James said.

“Don’t be daft,” Sirius replied. “They burn out far too quickly.”

“The sun,” Regulus’ voice was small but carried through the still night. Sirius smiled, that was it.
How Regulus had so accurately pinned James down he didn’t know, but he was clearly more astute
than Sirius gave him credit for.

“He’s right, you’re the sun.”

“That’s shit,” James mumbled.

“What do you mean?” Sirius was slightly offended at James’ dismissal.

“Well you’re all up there together and the sun’s not around until daytime.”

“That’s the point. You shine brighter than us all. Besides we’re still there in the daytime, you just
can’t see us.”

“…I guess so.” James said after a moment.

“You’re the sun, and Remus is the moon. It’s perfect, I get to have both of you throughout the day
and night.” Sirius said.

James chuckled beside him. “Yes that’s better, I like that.” Sirius smiled and reached for James’
hand. James grasped his in return and rubbed his thumb against his palm in a soothing gesture.
Sirius reached his other hand towards Remus who took it readily. Sirius couldn’t see Regulus from
where he was lying, but he hoped that James was holding his hand too. For all their troubles, the
four men were about to face challenges they had never even conceived of, and Sirius knew that
they all needed a brief moment of comfort before the long struggle they had ahead.
 Chapter 12

James

The rattling red steam train carved a path northwards through the muted green fields of England.
James pressed his face against the window and watched the drops of rain race each other down the
cold glass. They were somewhere past Birmingham, he was pretty sure, although it was difficult to
tell when most of the stations that they passed through had painted over the town names with thick
black paint. The idea was that it would make it difficult for any German intruders, parachuting in to
the midlands, to navigate. James understood the reasoning but it left him with a sickly fear that this
was happening so quickly.

Regulus was sat opposite him in the small carriage, there were two other blokes in the carriage with
them, who looked equally as frightened as James felt. It reminded him slightly of heading up to
school at the start of each year. He and Sirius would be cramped ono the billowing steam train with
a crowd of other boisterous schoolboys. They were some of his best memories, he, Sirius, and
Peter would run up and down the narrow train corridors creating havoc and pissing off the other
boys. When they got older, they would hang out of the windows smoking cigarettes, and narrowly
avoiding being tossed from the train entirely.

Regulus had joined them once, James remembered it now. In his second year at school, Regulus’
first, Sirius had dragged him into the compartment behind him at Kings Cross. James remembered
how the small boy’s angelic features, wide, heavily lidded eyes, and perfectly coifed black curls,
were entirely contrasting to his bitter scowl. Regulus’ small frowny face had appraised James and
Peter and clearly come up wanting. He had sat in silence, arms crossed and grim for the entire
journey. James couldn’t remember particularly caring at the time, he was too wrapped up in being
reunited with Sirius. The next year Regulus had joined his own friends in a different compartment,
and the year after, he had not returned to Hogwarts at all.

Right now, he was curled up in a ball opposite James, fast asleep. James suspected that the nervous
energy that kept him fidgeting and alert had the opposite effect on Regulus, resulting in him
passing out after less then half an hour on the train. He was adorable, his legs were swung up on
the compartment bench and he had his head rather inelegantly squished against the train window.
His mouth was wide open, and James was sure he was drooling slightly. He’d be mortified if he
knew what he looked like, and James thought he never looked better.

He watched towns and villages, fields, cows and cathedrals pass in a blur outside the window. The
day remained dark and grey since leaving Godric’s Hollow, and cold harsh rain was driving
sideways through the sky. James still felt slightly shaken from leaving his family on the platform.
It had seemed as if the entire village had turned out to see the men off, despite the rain. His father
had barely been able to look at him, too caught up in his own fear and grief. “Be good son,” was all
he was able to choke out before bringing him in for a bone crushing hug. Effie had clung on to him
for a long while, sniffling quietly and murmuring about how proud she was, how they’d be home
soon. James had been glad when his parents had embraced Regulus with as much warmth as they
had him, even if Regulus did appear slightly stiff with the affection.

Leaving Sirius and Remus was hard, they stood on the platform in the rain and watched James and
Regulus speed away from them. Remus was stoic, unable to speak, but Sirius buried his face into
James’ shoulder and clung to him tightly. Sirius was not going with them; he would be heading
west for flight training in a few days and it seemed to occur to him for the first time on the
platform that he was about to be separated from James for an undetermined amount of time. It was
a pain that James was wholly unprepared for, Sirius had been at his side for nearly ten years, they
were each other’s shadows, two perfect halves of a whole. It had never occurred to James that he
would ever have to spend any part of his life separate from him.

Sirius and Regulus’ goodbye was rather more subdued, they shook each other’s hands stiffly and
Sirius quickly shoved his hands back into his pockets. James frowned at the pair, even now they
were unable to put their resentments aside, despite how James could see how much they
desperately wanted to written across their terrifyingly similar expressions. James shoved Sirius’
back slightly, prompting him to jolt forwards and embrace Regulus quickly. Regulus had lifted his
arms and patted Sirius on the back. After a moment Regulus had tried to pull away only to be
pulled in deeper by Sirius who now clung to his brother with some desperation. James could see
the slight crease in Regulus’ brow and how his fingers had turned slightly white with the pressure
with which he was clinging to his brother.

James had looked out of the window at the grey blurry figures of Remus, Sirius, and his parents for
as long as he was able to as the train pulled away from the station and dragged him away from all
the comfort and peace he had ever known. James knew that he was leaving part of himself there on
the station with his family, he could feel the stretch as the distance grew.

James spent most of the journey looking out at the rain speckled window contemplating his life in
the way train travellers are so inclined to do. It was a unique compulsion and James thought
nothing really matched the introspection felt when feeling morose on a train. Regulus remained
curled up and asleep for most of the journey, he looked adorable, curled up in a foetal position,
arms wrapped around himself. His long neck was exposed as he leant back, his thick dark eyebrows
were slightly furrowed as if he were having a rather troublesome dream. James wanted to jump up
and kiss him softly, wrap his arms around him to comfort him, to let him know that whatever it is
that was troubling him was nothing but a nightmare, for now at least. He couldn’t though, not with
the other two men’s presence.

The taller of the two was a handsome man who had sandy blonde hair, a short snub nose, and
broad calloused hands. James couldn’t help but notice the interested looks he kept darting Regulus’
way and James had to stop himself from snapping at him. His anger rose in him like a viper and
James was rather concerned about the unfamiliar feeling bubbling up inside him. He wanted to hit
him right across his nose, to tell to fuck off and stop looking at Regulus, he was his. James instead
took a deep breath and focused on a single drip of water slowly meandering its way down the
window. It would do him no good to be possessive, he was so muddled and confused as it was. He
was so in love and Regulus did not love him back. He was still grappling with the idea that he was
in love with a man, and if he was honest, he was sure that he hadn’t really taken the time to come
to terms with that.

After several long hours the train finally pulled into to Durham, or at least that’s where he assumed
he was as he couldn’t see any visible signs as the train came to a rolling stop. He lightly tugged on
Regulus’ shoulder to wake him. Regulus looked up at him with a sleepy blink and the small smile
that spread across his face at the sight of James made it clear that he wasn’t entirely awake and
hadn’t quite remembered where he was. Oh, what James would do to keep that sweet sleepy smile
on his face for as long as possible, forever if such a thing existed. Regulus’ smile soon dropped
however, as he peered around the compartment and realised where he was and how long he had
slept.

The group of haphazard young men fell out of the train onto the platform and were quickly bundled
onto army trucks and sped off through the lush Durham countryside. There were more men than he
had thought, at least ten full trucks carrying twelve men each were loaded from just that train, and
James didn’t doubt that more were on their way. They eventually came upon the training ground, a
wide expanse of land littered with small timber huts and gravel paths. As the truck trundled into
the camp, James peered out across a wide field to see a group of men in full army uniform, holding
rifles and sprinting across the muddy field. They would drop to the ground every few paces at
some command or other, and at times would crawl on their bellies with their guns stored in their
elbows. James looked at the men with wide eyes as he considered what he was in for and he had a
pulse of fear, it suddenly seemed very real, seeing the men crawling in the mud like that.
Thankfully Regulus had sat next to him on the back of the truck and James could feel his leg
pressing reassuringly into his own.

Once they had arrived, they were directed to a long hastily constructed hut which contained a wide
row of bunks, small trunks and little else. They were instructed to find a bed and James and
Regulus quickly claimed a bunk in the corner of the room. Regulus’ raised eyebrow when James
took the bottom bunk provided him with a hearty laugh that was much needed. The tension had
been slowly creeping up on him through the day and of course it was Regulus’ dry humour that
helped him to ease his muscles. They made their way to a long dining hall for dinner which
consisted of dry mashed potatoes, stringy meat, peas and some rather watery gravy. James tried not
to complain, it was probably on the finer side of dining that he was about to confront. Once they
had eaten and showered, Regulus and James made their way back to their living quarters,
intentionally trailing behind the other new recruits leaving the shower hall.

“How are you?” Regulus said across the still night air, it wasn’t that late, but it was already dark.

“I’m okay. It’s all a bit real now, isn’t it?” James replied.

Regulus huffed slightly and looked up to assess their surroundings. “How did we end up here
James?” he asked.

“Duno. But we’ll be by each other’s sides right?” he said. Regulus looked up at him with his large
grey eyes and nodded.

“Yes. Yes, we will.”

James’ heart fluttered at the confirmation, he looked behind him quickly to ensure that another
wayward soldier wasn’t following behind before he reached out and hooked his little finger around
Regulus’. “Until the end,” he said. Regulus watched him, assessing him carefully in the cold night
before he nodded and clenched his finger around James’, it was a small gesture but enough for
James to know that his love wasn’t misplaced. James desperately wanted to lean forward and kiss
him, but even under the cover of darkness, they were far too exposed to get away with it.

James slept hard that night and woke up to the brutal noise of a sergeant screaming into the room.

“Look sharp boys!” the sergeant’s booming voice awoke the men and Regulus nearly tumbled out
of bed with the speed that he jumped up at the sudden burst of noise.

They were taken to get their uniforms, equipment, and rucksacks that would hold their belongings.
They were informed that they were fully in charge of their own belongings, and if they got holes in
their socks, well that was just a problem they’d have to deal with themselves.

One of the most tragic events of James’ life occurred that morning, he witnessed Regulus’ soft
floppy curls be shaved down to a tight buzzcut. It hurt his heart, it really did, to see such beauty
chopped off so roughly, and he hardly cared when they sat him down to do the same to his own
hair. James was despairing about the beautiful locks that had been sacrificed when he caught sight
of Regulus waiting for him by the entrance to the small hut. He was leaned against the side of the
shed, already in his dark green army trousers and matching green shirt, waiting for James’ haircut
to be done. The shirt was rolled up at the sleeves and he’d have likely been disciplined about his
improper uniform if it hadn’t been his first day there. James was breathless, the short buzzcut
extenuated Regulus’ sharp features, making him look older and tougher than he had before. The
green of the uniform softened his hardened appearance and James honestly thought there probably
wasn’t a single haircut or outfit that wouldn’t make him want to rip it off him. The spark that
played across Regulus’ face as he noticed James’ considered gaze made it clear he knew exactly
what James was thinking, and James immediately began thinking of ways they could sneak away
together. It would be risky he knew, but he didn’t really care.

He didn’t have time to sneak Regulus away to some dark corner however as they were almost
immediately plunged into training that consisted of running until James; lungs hurt, learning how
to clean a gun, and crawling through the cold, muddy fields. The onslaught continued relentlessly
for several days. At the end of each laborious day James would collapse into his bunk and pass out
immediately.

On their fifth day at the camp, James and Regulus joined a group of about twenty men for a ten
mile run along the thickly blanketed woodland trails around the camp. When they returned James
was red faced and flushed, he really wished he had kept up his fitness since school. He used to be
able to run ten miles without breaking a sweat when he was part of the school rugby team, months
of idleness had softened his resolve. It was as he and Regulus were filling their canteens against a
spurting tap at the side of the dining hall that he heard his name being called from across the yard.

“Prongs! Is that you?”

James turned quickly to see the source of his nickname. He spotted Peter’s round friendly face
racing towards him. He still had the flop of blond hair and pink cheeks that James remembered
from school.

“Wormtail! My god, I heard you had joined up,” James said as he rushed toward to embrace his old
friend.

“Yes, been here a few months already,” Peter said. “Get called up?”

“Yes, well we signed up, figured we’d bite the bullet and get it over with,” James said. Peter
nodded understandingly. James still didn’t quite understand why Peter had joined so early, it
seemed quite out of character.

“We? Is Padfoot here then?” Peter said, looking around expectantly. His eyes landed on Regulus
and a flicker of recognition crossed his face.

“Oh no, he’s RAF would you believe. This is Regulus, Sirius’ brother. Do you remember him?”

“Oh, yes I see the likeness, you’re the image of him,” Peter said with a hand outstretched. Regulus
smiled politely and shook his hand firmly.

“No they’re not,” James said quickly. “They look nothing alike.” James was met by matching
expressions of surprise from both Peter and Regulus. James shifted on his feet and changed the
subject quickly. “So, how’s it been?”

“Alright, its tougher than I thought. I thought about dropping out a few times if I’m honest, I don’t
think I’m really cut out for all this physical activity. But figured I’d just be called up again when
the time came.”
James nodded, Peter was smart, wily and empathetic, but he was never the most adept when it
came to sports or physical endurance.

“But its alright, they’ve been teaching me first aid, looks like I might end up as a medic. Honestly,
the fact that I was one of the only ones who didn’t balk at the sight of blood was pretty much all
they needed.” Peter laughed. “C’mon let’s get some food and you can tell me what you’ve been up
to. Sirius in the RAF, bloody hell.” The trio began walking to the dining hall when James caught
Regulus’ eye.

“Wormtail?” Regulus said quietly, Peter heard nonetheless and rolled his eyes.

“I know, they get cool nicknames, and I got fucking Wormtail,” he said rather disgruntled. James
laughed; Peter liked to complain but he knew that he didn’t mind the nickname really. Regulus
looked like he wanted to enquire more about their strange nicknames, but he didn’t get the chance
as they entered the dining hall and were quickly distracted by a tall handsome man calling Peter
over.

“Pete! How’s it going lad?” the stranger asked. He was slightly taller than James, with brown hair
and deep-set hazel eyes. He had a sharp jawline and would have appeared lanky if not for the
clearly defined muscles under his shirt.

“Hi Frank, this is James and Regulus. I knew them from school.” James appreciated that Peter
seemed to have immediately embraced Regulus, not bothering to differentiate that he didn’t really
know him.

“Frank Longbottom, how do you do?” Frank said, extending a hand towards James. James shook it
readily and let himself be led towards a long table. Frank talked animatedly about the drills they
had been running and plans for the next week. James quickly understood that Frank had hardly
been forced to be here, he clearly had ambitions of leadership beyond just surviving the upcoming
war. James found it quite endearing, and rather reassuring that his fate might rest in the hands of
someone who appeared so capable.

When Saturday rolled around they had a mercifully free day, the morning consisted of the men
lining up to be inoculated against various diseases, James didn’t mind the needles too much but he
spotted more than one man shaking in fear as the large piece of metal pierced their arms. On the
afternoon of the Saturday James was lounging in his bed, making the most of the brief respite
when Regulus meandered up to him.

“I’m going for a quick five miles, want to join?”

“Fuck no,” James said quickly, the last thing he wanted was to run on his day off. Regulus seemed
rather frustrated with this response.

“No, I am going for a run. Join me,” he repeated, slower this time. James rolled his eyes and was
about to bite back that he was absolutely not going to join him when he noticed the dangerous glint
in Regulus’ eye. Realisation dawned on him quickly and he stood up so quickly that he banged his
head against the top of the bunk.

“Ow, fuck! Um, yes actually I will join,” he said quickly. Regulus smiled and nodded and made his
way out of the shed. James quickly changed into his shorts and t-shirt that were reserved for the
physical training and jogged out of the dorm with a clenched smile to the other men who hadn’t
been paying much attention. Regulus was stretching outside the hut and as soon as James appeared
he began sprinting off towards the muddy woodland trail that they had gotten used to running with
the others each morning. James followed behind him, keeping a respectable distance so to any
observers it looked like nothing more than two privates taking some afternoon exercise. They ran
deep into the woods before Regulus darted off the tail and into the thick brush of trees. James
quickly followed and had to jump over tree roots and avoid wayward branches in order to keep up
with Regulus quick pace. Eventually Regulus stopped in a small clearing of trees. James looked
around them, they were perfectly covered by the thick vegetation and that was all the reassurance
he needed before he pressed forward and wrapped himself around Regulus, kissing him deeply.
Regulus moaned softly against him and began scrabbling at the drawstring of his shorts, desperate
for contact after only a week without any.

James moaned and began working at Regulus’ shorts, keeping his mouth firmly attached to
Regulus’ all the while. When he finally managed to release Regulus’ erection, he heard the needy
moan that was muffled against his mouth and James couldn’t believe it was possible that he had
gone this long without him. Regulus pulled him out of his shorts and began stoking with some
determination, James ran his hands over Regulus’ short hair and felt the short bristles against the
palm of his hands. If he thought Regulus had pulled him into the woods for a quick wank, he was
quickly proven wrong when Regulus pushed a small tin of Vaseline into his hand and turned
around. Regulus shoved his shorts down and leaned against the tree in front of him. James was
frozen to the spot, so overwhelmed with arousal that he felt lightheaded. Regulus looked
impatiently at him over his shoulder at the delay.

“Hurry up James,” he whispered and that was all the encouragement James needed before pressing
forward and wrapping himself around Regulus back. After some time preparing Regulus with his
fingers, Regulus was whining wantonly with his face pressed against the tree and James finally
sunk into him. It was quick and messy, and rather loud. James was glad that they had ventured so
far into the woods, and he hoped that no other men had decided to take an afternoon run on the
nearby trail, his animalistic grunts as he mercilessly pounded was sure to be heard. James didn’t
last long, and neither did Regulus as they both came in unison against the tree. James pulled out
and turned Regulus around, kissing him deeply and licking into his mouth.

“I fucking love you,” he murmured. It had become a habit now, to say it to him. James felt like he
needed to remind him constantly, that despite Regulus’ rather more muted feelings towards him, he
was head over heels in love. Regulus didn’t complain about the words of affection this time but
simply returned his desperate kiss.

“C’mon, we better get back before someone misses us,” Regulus said. He grimaced slightly as he
pulled up his shorts and James quickly did the same. They jogged back along the trail the way they
had come and shared a meaningful glance as they re-entered the camp. Regulus pulled away and
made his way to the showers, James went back to his bunk, he didn’t want to raise suspicions
unnecessarily by following Regulus in.

The days quickly turned into weeks and before James knew it, he was quickly able to run fifteen
miles without breaking a sweat, he was able to load and clean his rifle, and had become a deft shot
when shooting it. Of course, growing up in the country, James had used guns before and took to it
rather quickly. Regulus on the other hand, had a bit more of a learning curve. Clearly the high
society of London didn’t prioritise shooting as a key sport in the same way they did in the country.
For what Regulus lacked in arms skills, he made up for in agility. He was able to master the
obstacle courses much quicker than any of the other recruits, seamlessly propelling himself across
barriers and over walls as if he was a circus performer.

Their private ‘runs’ continued whenever they had a chance. Nobody seemed to pay much mind to
the two men taking runs together on such a regular basis. Word had gotten round that they knew
each other from home and so it didn’t appear too suspicious that they would want to take their
exercise together. Their secret rendezvous were only occasionally interrupted when Frank, or less
commonly Peter, decided to join them. It would always be the most bitter disappointment as not
only would James miss out on his meetings with Regulus, but they would be forced into actually
running. James couldn’t find it in himself to care too much however, as Regulus would always be
particularly impatient and needy the next time they snuck away together.

The weeks quickly turned into months during the so-called ‘phoney war’ and all the men had fallen
into a state of relative complacency. James had nearly forgotten there was a war happening at all
and it looked increasingly like the whole thing might be over before they were called to any action
at all. Sirius appeared to be feeling the same way, the letters he sent James were full of the
exhilaration and excitement of learning to fly, with none of the trepidation of the dangers that might
befall him.

The winter was bitterly cold, and the drills did not let up despite the thick layer of snow that
descended upon Durham’s hills. They were given more leeway however, to go into the local town
and catch a picture at the local cinema or make merry at a local dancehall. The soldiers found that
they rarely had to pay for these activities as the local people embraced their so far unearned
sacrifices. The women of the village too seemed particularly pleased with the descent of hundreds
of young men on their small country village. Many soldiers made the most of this and quickly
gained sweethearts, some more temporary than others.

Frank, who had become a firm friend over the months also found himself courting a woman from
the village. A tomboyish girl called Alice who wore her hair short and was rarely seen in a dress.
Frank had seemed enraptured with her upon first glance and James was glad to see that he was not
alone with his bleeding heart.

The period of relative peace came to a quick and rough ending on a day in April 1940. Germany
had invaded Norway and it became clear that the period of calm was to be ended. Word came of
British troops being sent out, but the soldiers in Durham remained idle until news came that
Belgium, France and the Netherlands had all been attacked. It was clear that their hopeful naivety
that the war for James might consist of nothing more strenuous than a few months playing soldier
in the Durham countryside was quick to be over.

Regulus was pulled into a different regiment than James, and James was powerless to stop it. All
the carefree, hopeful optimism of the past few months began filtering through his fingers like sand.
The night before they were to be shipped off, Regulus pulled James into a small storage shed, used
to house great big sacks of oats and flour. He dropped to his knees and worshiped James like it
might be the last thing he ever did. James returned the gesture, and they remained in that shed for
nearly an hour, caressing each other’s bodies as if it was the last time. James didn’t want to think
about the fact that it could well be.

James murmured his declarations of love across Regulus’ skin, and the other man still did not
respond in kind. James couldn’t find it in himself to care, Regulus actions spoke enough to his
feelings towards James, and that was enough for him.

When they had dressed themselves and brushed off their uniforms, Regulus reached into his pocket
and retrieved a small locket on a long silver chain. He handed it to James with some nervousness.

“What’s this?”

“It’s mine. I want you to have it. Or borrow it.” Regulus said in a small voice.

“Borrow it?” James asked, rubbing his thumb against the brushed silver surface.
“Yes, when this is all said and done, you can give it back to me.” Regulus said. James looked up
into Regulus’ watery eyes and noticed fear in them for the first time. James’ breath shuddered as he
contemplated the meaning of the gesture. If James borrowed it, then he would have to return it, and
if he had to return it, then they would both need to make it out of this. James nodded and gulped,
trying to keep the tears from spilling out of him as it finally sank in that they were about to be
separated. He thumbed open the front of the locket and blinked in surprise as Lily’s bright smile
shone up at him. He looked inquisitively at Regulus, wondering if he had forgotten to change the
picture.

“Open it up and turn it over,” Regulus said through a laugh. James frowned but did as he was told,
he pulled the photo out and realised that it was folded in half, the other side containing Regulus'
sweet face. He was smiling one of his rare toothy grins, and his eyes were slightly glazed with
alcohol. Even in the black and white photo James could see the light flush in his cheeks.

“It’s from that night we went to London. My friend Pandora sent it to me. I figured it would look
less suspicious if you had a gal in there.”

James nodded slowly as he studied the picture, and he brought it up to his lips to kiss Regulus’
black and white face. Regulus laughed at the gesture and wrapped his arms around James’ waist.

“No need for that yet, you can still kiss the real me,” he said.

“That I can,” James replied pressing his mouth against Regulus’. James pulled away before things
got too heated again, they had been gone long enough that people might start wondering where
they were. He pushed the photo back into the locket and hung it around his neck. He tucked it into
his shirt and patted its form, it already felt like a reassuring part of Regulus held close to his chest.
James wished he had gotten something for Regulus, it hadn’t occurred to him before now and now
it was too late.

On a sunny day in late May, the now well-trained soldiers made their way onto chartered trains and
trucks and headed to the coast. Before he knew it, James found himself on a boat with Peter and
Frank and he watched longingly at the retreating white cliffs of Britain that signalled his journey to
the continent and away from Regulus. Regulus would be heading south, towards France, while
James’ was heading to the Netherlands. For such a short stretch of water, the journey seemed to
take forever.

When they arrived at Hook of Holland James had almost expected to see an image of carnage, but
instead it looked just like any port-town in England. It was busy with ships and soldiers, sure, but
there was no sign of the invading forces descending from the east. He supposed the further inland
they went, the closer the danger would be. They spent their first night cramped together in the
basements of the coastal shops, pressed up against each other in sleeping bags as they awaited
further instruction.

James awoke early, around four am, and the noisy snoring and grunting of the other soldiers'
sleeping forms meant he was unable to fall back asleep. He resentfully pulled himself out of his
sleeping bag and crept towards the stairs that led to the street above. He walked through the quiet
stone roads until he reached the water’s edge and he perched upon a wall, looking out across the
black mass of sea in front of him, towards home. It was probably going to be the closest he’d be in
a long while. James lit a cigarette and took a deep drag when he heard footsteps behind him. Frank
had come to join him on the wall.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Frank asked while lighting his own cigarette. James shook his head. “Me
neither.”
“It’s so close isn’t it,” James remarked.

“What is?”

“Britain,” James continued. “It always seemed so far away when they talked about what was
happening, but it’s not far at all. If we don’t win, they could cross that in nothing but row boats.”

Frank murmured in agreement. “It’s funny, for a nation so concerned with conquering others, we
really like to think ourselves isolated from the rest of the continent. We’re more alike than not in
most ways,” he said. James nodded in agreement and took another drag of his cigarette. He thought
about those back home, already dealing with blackouts each evening, and air raids preparing for
the potential invasion ahead. It wouldn’t take much for a plane to cross that narrow strip of sea and
blow London to bits, to bomb Bristol, even Godric’s Hollow. Fear settled into James' bones and he
realised that for the first time since this all started he wanted to fight and not just out of duty.

James and Frank sat on the seafront until the sun rose, James felt himself mindlessly touching the
locket hidden beneath his shirt and he wondered where Regulus had slept that night. He wondered
where Sirius was too, he had received several letters from him over the past few months, but
communication would be lacking now that they were on the move. If he had been a religious man,
he would have prayed for them, but his mother had never imparted her family’s Hindu beliefs to
him. He wasn’t sure why, maybe she hoped he would fit in with rural England better without them,
but now he regretted not asking her about it more. He vowed that when he returned home, it would
be the first thing he asked her.

Instead of praying, he sat with Frank and enjoyed a few hours of peace listening to the gentle
lapping of the water against the shorefront and tried to prepare himself for the battles ahead.
 Chapter 13

Remus

“Moony, Moony!”

Remus sighed heavily as the increasingly familiar sound of small feet thumping through the muddy
field approached him. He stood up from where he was crouched and threw the few potatoes he had
in his hand into the large tub besides him. He turned to see Jacob running towards him as fast as his
small legs would take him. His knees were all scraped up, no doubt from causing trouble earlier in
the day, and Remus’ flat cap was perched on his head, so big that it was falling down over his eyes.
Jacob had his head tilted right back in order to see beneath the cap brim and the overall image was
quite funny.

“How’s it, Jacob?” Remus asked, wiping his hands on his trousers.

“Okay, Mrs Potter said I could come help you if I don’t get in the way. Emily wanted to come too
but I told her farming was a boy’s job and she should stay back.”

“Who told you that?” Remus said, offended on Emily’s behalf. “Girls can farm as well as boys, in
fact we’ve got three ladies coming to live here in a couple of weeks to help manage the farm.”
Jacob looked guiltily up at Remus, clearly, he hadn’t been expecting the admonishment.

“Okay sorry Moony,” he said in his sweetest voice. Remus laughed, the young boy knew exactly
when to play cute and innocent, he was a little terror. Remus secretly liked that about him, but he
wasn’t about to encourage that behaviour.

“C’mon then, help me dig up these potatoes.” Jacob smiled widely and quickly glued himself to
Remus’ side. He dug his hands into the wet earth and pulled handfuls of dirt out, making much
more of a mess than was entirely necessary for the task. Jacob was one of four children now living
at the manor. He was nine years old, and his two sisters Emily and Elizabeth were slightly younger
at eight and seven. A fourth child, Michael, was only six years old and cried all evening for his
mother. They had all been evacuated from London, shipped off on trains with a tag and a few
belongings. It broke his heart seeing their small, scared faces each day, and he could only imagine
the pain their parents were feeling back in London.

Jacob, maybe because he was the oldest, had taken to life on the farm quite well in the two months
he had been there. He had quickly made friends with the other boys at school and looked up to
Remus as something of an idol. It quite annoyed Remus at first, having a very small shadow
attached to him wherever he went. The village seemed overwhelmed with children now if he was
honest, it seemed like every family had taken one in, and he didn’t understand how the local school
was managing with all the new city folk.

Remus and Jacob spent an hour digging through the patch of wet soil before Remus spotted Jacob
slowing down. He wasn’t about to admit that he was tired, but Remus could see it written over his
face and in his lethargic movements.

“Lets head up to the house,” he said. “Bertie’s making stew for dinner.”

They trudged back up towards the house and Remus listened to Jacob’s ramblings about the
football match he’d had at school that day. Remus spotted Emily sitting on a wall besides the
house, the scowl on her face making it clear she was still unhappy with Jacob’s dismissal. He’d
have to take her down to the farm the next day, Remus thought.

Remus stayed for dinner, as he did most nights since the others had left. He told himself it was so
that Effie and Monty don’t get lonely, but with four additional rather loud children under their roof,
Remus knew that the reason was probably the opposite.

As Remus was preparing to head back to his cottage that evening, he heard the cry of Michael up in
his bedroom, Sirius’ old bedroom. He could hear the gentle coos of Effie trying to reassure the
small boy. He walked up the stairs and peered into the bedroom. Effie looked at him with wide,
sad eyes as the small boy continued to cry.

“Want me to try?” he mouthed to her, Effie nodded gratefully and allowed Remus to step into the
room. She stepped outside and left Remus with Michael, whose red face was streaked with tears.

“Hi Mikey, can’t sleep?” the small boy rubbed his red eyes and his bottom lip trembled with
emotion as he looked up at Remus at his doorway. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Miss my mum,” was all he was able to say in a tiny shaky voice. Remus nodded and made his
way over to the bed; he sat beside the small child and wrapped an arm around him.

“I know, it won’t be long and you’ll see her again. I know for a fact that she can’t wait to see you
too,” he said, hoping to convey some semblance of comfort. He didn’t know what had happened
that he was suddenly helping to care for these small children, it was an alarming adjustment, but he
would do anything to help Effie and Monty.

“Some older boys at school said she was dead. That a bomb dropped down and killed her,” he said.
Remus was shocked, his anger rose in him, and he almost demanded that Michael tell him which
boys told him that so he could box their ears.

“They were telling fibs, nasty mean fibs Mikey, no bombs have dropped on London yet” he
winced as the last word slipped out.

“Yet?” Michael was bright for a boy of six, immediately picking up on the implication in that
word.

“I mean, there are no bombs. Your mum is fine, and she’ll come to see you very soon,” Remus
said. Michael didn’t seem that comforted, his large blue eyes were filling up with tears as he
looked up at Remus with barely concealed terror.

“Do you know how I know it will be fine? It’s because I’m magic.” Michaels eyes widened and he
sat up in his bed, his attention caught entirely.

“You are?”

“Oh yes, it’s a secret, but I’m actually a wizard,” Remus said in a low voice. Michael’s jaw had
dropped open in suspense. “And I know a very special spell that will ensure that we’re all safe.
You, me, your mum too. Do you want me to teach it to you?”

Michael’s head looked like it might just tumble off his neck with the speed with which he shook it
up and down. “Please Moo’ey” he said. Remus took a deep breath and scanned his brain for any
semblance of what a spell should sound like, slightly panicked. At this point he was just making it
up as he went and he needed to come up with something good.

“Okay, well the spell I’m going to tell you is called the…” Remus furrowed his brow as he thought
of something to say until some nonsense tumbled out. “It’s called the Patronus charm, have you
heard of it?”

Michael shook his head vigorously, he was still looking up at Remus with wide eyes, enraptured
with Remus’ improvising.

“A Patronus is a kind of positive force. It can act like a shield, protecting all those you love. But in
order for it to work, you must think of a memory. And not just any. This memory needs to be a very
happy one. And powerful. Got something?”

Michael nodded and began speaking, “yes, mum took me to-“

“Shh,” Remus interrupted. “No need to tell me, just think of it really clearly in your mind, focus on
that memory, okay?” Michael nodded diligently.

“Now I want you to let that memory fill you up, lose yourself in it. And then repeat after me-
expecto patronum!” Remus didn’t know how he’d come up with such crap but Michael was
enthralled. He nodded firmly and spoke aloud.

“Pecto Tronum!” Close enough, Remus thought.

“Very good Mikey, see now you know that spell, whenever you’re scared or worried, or you miss
your mum. You know what to say? Michael nodded back, the tears were gone and he was smiling
up at Remus with rosy cheeks. Remus ruffled his hair and reached into his pocket to where he
knew he had a bar of chocolate stashed for later. He broke off a piece and gave it to Michael.

“Shh, don’t go telling Effie I gave you chocolate before bedtime.” Michael beamed up at him and
wrapped his arms around Remus. When Remus was finally able to pry the small child away from
himself and slip out of the room he spotted Effie on the landing, she had clearly been listening.

“I won’t say anything about the chocolate this time. But you should know James was a fiend for
sugar at that age, one taste and they turn into monsters,” she laughed. Remus chuckled too,
honestly at eighteen the last thing he thought he needed to know was how to parent a child, but
apparently part of staying home while the others went off meant becoming a part-time childminder.

“There’s someone downstairs waiting for you,” Effie said with a sly smile. “Goodnight Remus.”
She made her way into her own room before Remus could ask any further questions.

Remus walked down the wide stairs wondering who would be calling so late, Lily maybe? He
started to get concerned that something might be the matter. He began to walk into the drawing
room when he was halted in his steps. Sirius was there, standing in the centre of the room in full
military uniform. Remus barely had time to take note of his hair that had been chopped off because
the deep blue uniform left him dizzy.

“Hi,” Sirius said with a smile. Remus couldn’t wait for an explanation or answer and rushed
forward, wrapping his arms around Sirius, and kissing him deeply. He pushed Sirius down on the
sofa behind him resulting in a surprised yelp and climbed on top of him. He was so suddenly
overwhelmed with arousal and relief, he didn’t detached from Sirius for even a moment, running
his hands over the strong starched material of his uniform. When Sirius came up for air and started
laughing at the enthusiastic welcome, Remus didn’t stop and simply moved his amorous actions to
kiss down the side of Sirius’ neck.

“Moony, moony stop,” Sirius laughed. “Fucks sake anyone could walk in, lets go down to yours.”
“Can’t wait,” Remus breathed out, now entirely pressing himself against Sirius.

“Yes you can- bloody hell!” Sirius finally succeeded in pushing Remus slightly away from himself
and Remus gulped heavily, he had quite forgotten to breath.

“Let’s go. Now.” Sirius said quickly. Remus could barely make out the words but let himself be
led out of the house and down to the cottage. It was the longest walk of Remus’ life, and he was
quite tempted to just push Sirius down in one of the fields, the thought of messing up his crisp
uniform was the only thing that stopped him. Sirius clutched onto his hand as the two men sprinted
through the woods and towards the small cottage.

When they burst through the door, Remus slammed it behind him with his foot and launched
himself on Sirius again.

“So you like the uniform then?” Sirius laughed as Remus attached himself to his neck.

“Yes I fucking do.” Remus looked up into Sirius’ eyes and then ran a hand through his short dark
hair. “Don’t like what they’ve done with your hair though.”

Sirius looked bashfully down and rubbed his head. “I know, its only hair, right? It’ll grow back.”
He didn’t sound entirely convinced.

“How are you here?” Remus breathed out, the short conversation had provided him with enough
brainpower to finally form a full thought.

“Weekend off. Dorset’s not too far so I was allowed to come back. I need to head back tomorrow
though.”

Remus nodded, his mind already coming up with the many ways in which they could best utilise
the next twenty-four hours. “Okay, let’s not waste any more time.” Sirius yelped as Remus pulled
him down to the floor and roughly pulled down his trousers, right in the middle of the living room.
Sirius’ surprise quickly turned into moans of pleasure as Remus took him into his mouth and began
working like his life depended on it.

“Fucking hell Moony, I’m going to have to leave more often if this is the welcome home I get.”

Remus flipped Sirius over in reply and roughly pulled down his trousers further, Sirius groaned
against the threadbare rug at the onslaught and reached out to clutch onto a leg of the coffee table
as Remus roughly opened him and up and slid in. Remus bucked into Sirius with some force,
clutching onto his uniform and biting Sirius’ shoulder, his movements wrapped in a hungry desire.
After some time Sirius cried out and spilled across the living room floor, prompting Remus to
follow shortly behind.

They lay there on the floor for quite some time, regaining their breath. Remus turned Sirius’ face
towards him and kissed him sweetly, the panicked desire that had overwhelmed him finally
sedated.

“So, how’s training?” he asked. Sirius looked at him for a moment before he burst into hysterical
laughter so hearty he clutched his stomach and rolled onto his side.

“My god Moony, how are you just going to ravish me like that and then just have a normal
conversation?” Sirius laughed. Remus huffed a laugh and leaned up on his elbows to light a
cigarette. He supposed it was quite funny, after all they were still lying on the living room floor,
clothed except for their groins which were entirely exposed. He took a drag of his cigarette and
laughed again. He bent down and kissed Sirius’ cheek.
“I mean it, I want you to tell me all about it. I’ve been imagining you up there, in the clouds.”

“Well I haven’t actually flown myself yet. It’s mainly lessons and PE right now,” Sirius said,
taking the cigarette from Remus’ mouth and taking a puff. “I didn’t realise there’d be so much
maths. I mean I’m not dumb but being back in a classroom, I’m always so jittery. We’ll start flying
a few weeks apparently.”

“I’ve missed you,” Remus said simply.

Sirius looked at Remus and something shifted in his expression at the sad earnestness in Remus’
voice. “Me too,” he said softly. “I want a photo of you. To put in the plane with me.”

“Won’t that look a bit suspicious?”

“Maybe, I don’t care. If anyone asks, I’ll tell them you’re my brother.” Remus pulled a face but
understood what he meant. He didn’t have many pictures of himself, his dad never took him to get
any, and he was rather camera shy when there was a camera about. He wondered if Effie might
have one tucked away somewhere.

Remus and Sirius spent the rest of the evening wrapped up in each others arms, they had eventually
made it to their bed. His father’s bed really, Remus had finally moved into the larger room. The
declaration of war shifted things into perspective a bit for him and he realised it was a bit silly to
keep it unused. Sirius was very happy about this development and made full use of the extra bed
space, stretching his long pale limbs across the white sheets.

Remus joined the girls for a drink at the pub the evening after Sirius had returned to Dorset. The
pub was full to the brim of women from cities around the country. Remus spotted several young
men, too young to be drafted and too young to be in the pub. Nobody said anything to them, they
were paying after all and with the loss of the village’s men, the pub could hardly afford to turn
anyone away.

“I’m off to London in a few days,” Marlene said rather unexpectedly.

“You are? How come?” Remus asked.

“They’re looking for nurses as St. Thomas’, in anticipation of… well because things might get
worse, they’ll need the support. It’ll be fine though,” she added hastily at the sea of concerned
faces. “I mean at the moment the worst that’s happening is a bunch of road accidents due to the
blackouts, with any luck that’ll be as bad as it gets.”

Remus swallowed and nodded. He didn’t feel safe exactly in Godric’s Hollow, but the idea that the
war might breach their shores, it certainly seemed a lot safer than London. He watched Marlene’s
nervous face as she broke the news and knew that he needed to support her despite his reservations.
The boys had all stepped into the line of danger, who was he to tell her that she shouldn’t do the
same?

“That’s great Marlene, really,” he said. Her face brightened at the words, and she reached across
the table to hug him. Remus couldn’t help but notice the hint of trepidation on Mary and Lily’s
faces. Lily was chewing her bottom lip and was clearly lost in a thought.

“It’ll just be you and me before long Rem,” Lily said after a moment.

“Oh yeah, where are you off to Mary?” he asked. Surely, they weren’t all abandoning Godric’s
Hollow.
“I’m joining the engineers. They’re allowing women now caus the fellas have all gone,” she said.
Remus couldn’t miss the hint of pride in her voice as she announced this. “But I’m not leaving Lils,
the factory is only up in Bath, I’ll be back all the time.”

Lily nodded and did her best to smile at her friend, but Remus could see it was a struggle for her.
He supposed it must be quite difficult for Lily. She had been the only one out of the whole lot of
them who ever had ambitions to leave the village, and now she was the only one stuck here. She
had taken to spending her days on the farm with Remus, helping with the increased workload
thanks to the rapid increase in production and the loss of almost all the farmhands. There wasn’t
much demand for dressmakers at the time, and her parents were well capable of taking care of the
minor adjustment jobs that were coming in. Remus reached out and squeezed her shoulder
reassuringly. She looked up at him with an understanding smile and then stood from the table.

“Alright, same again?” she asked. The group all nodded their agreement and Marlene stood to help
her at the bar leaving him alone with Mary.

“I’m proud of you Mary,” Remus said. She smiled at him sadly, it was an expression that was
becoming uncomfortably common on her face. Things had always been slightly awkward between
them after Remus had broken things off with Mary. She had seemed fine at the time and was her
usual boisterous self when they hung out in a group. But when he and Mary were alone together an
awkward tension never failed to settle between them. Remus didn’t know how he could broach the
subject with her, what he could say. Chances were, she just didn’t like him very much anymore and
he’d seem crazy for asking about it.

“Thanks Remus,” she replied. She fiddled with the paper beermat in front of her, ripping small
shards of paper off and stacking them on top of each other. The awkward silence drew out between
them and Remus was glad when Marlene and Lily came back laden with drinks.

Marlene left the following Wednesday. She made tearful goodbyes to the girls and Remus on the
train platform, and it felt like they might not see her again for a long time, despite the relatively
short distance to London. Remus wrapped an arm around Mary and Lily as they watched the train
billow into the distance, taking away yet another loved one. It was a sight that was becoming too
common in Remus’ life and he longed for the day that he would be waiting on the platform
watching the train return his friends home.

The week after Marlene left saw the arrival of three women to the Potter estate. Two from London
and one from Manchester, and all relatively green to the country life. They had been recruited as a
country-wide drive to send women to work the vastly understaffed farms. The help was desperately
appreciated, despite the winter fast approaching, there was still much to do, and it was only really
Remus and Monty left to do it. One of the women, Pandora, breezed in with airy confidence and
proudly announced that she knew all about Remus already from her dear friend Regulus. She had
apparently specifically requested Godric’s Hollow. Remus took to her immediately, despite her
posh accent and airy attitude, she was unintentionally very funny and was not opposed to getting
stuck into the hard work.

The other woman from London, Emmaline, was a sweet, round-faced girl with a nervous
disposition who rarely spoke when not directly addressed. Remus supposed the upheaval must
have been a shock, she seemed like she had barely turned eighteen and was rather sheltered. The
third woman, Hannah, was a vibrant combination of Mary and Marlene. She was long-limbed,
athletic and incredibly naturally flirtatious. Remus supposed it was just her natural state when he
spotted her winking at Monty, and quickly realised that her amorous affection was nothing more
serious than a bit of fun for her.
Remus initially felt flustered, suddenly surrounded by all these women and children at all hours of
the day, but he quickly got used to the new dynamic on the farm. He began to appreciate the
change of pace and realised that the daily drudgery of farm work was much improved with the
addition of chattering ladies, singing while they worked, and children’s laughter. He rather hoped
that once this was over, they could keep the ladies on the farm.

The winter was cold and brutal, and the manor was filled with the loud noises of the land girls and
evacuated children. It appeared to lift Monty and Effie’s moods to have the house so lively after
James’ departure and the Christmas was remarkably a rather merry one. Sirius had even managed
to return to Godric’s Hollow to celebrate. James and Regulus were noticeably absent, but they
didn’t speak of it too much for fear of ruining the genial atmosphere.

The winter turned into spring and Sirius’ trips back to Godric’s Hollow were becoming less and
less frequent, and Remus fears were beginning to rise. Sirius had started to fly and was actually
quite good at it from all accounts. Remus couldn’t help but picturing the small tin plane
plummeting out of the sky each time Sirius would tell him about his training. When the invasion
intensified in April, and word got to the manor that James and Regulus were about to be shipped
off to the continent, the fear dug itself into his bones. He had been living in a somewhat happy
bubble on the farm, as if they were all just playing pretend. Marlene’s letters from London were
speaking of more air raid drills and Remus knew it was only a matter of time before they stopped
being drills and the bombings would start.

On the last weekend that Sirius returned to Godric’s Hollow before the war truly began in earnest,
they had stayed up all night in his small cottage, smoking cigarettes and listening to the wireless. A
song came on the radio and Sirius stood, reaching out a hand to pull Remus up with him. Sirius
pulled Remus into himself and began swaying to the dulcet tunes.

‘We’ll meet again,' Vera Lynn’s gentle voice cut across the candlelit room. Remus held Sirius tight
to his body and breathed in his scent, hoping to memorialise this moment, to slow down time.

“Don’t know where, don’t know when,” Sirius sung along to the crooning under his breath. Sirius
looked up at Remus and he saw the flickers of candlelight sparkle in Sirius’ eyes.

“But I know we’ll meet again, some sunny day,” Remus’ voice was trembling as he sung the last
line and he bent down to kiss Sirius. He poured every ounce of love and pitiful hope into the kiss
and Sirius responded in kind.

Sirius had left to take part in raids across the channel the next day and Remus knew he probably
wasn’t going to see him for a long time. He spent the long spring days trying to distract himself
with work, with the children, and with the girl’s friendly chatter, but his mind was constantly on
the grim news reaching them from the continent. It had only been a month and the war was not
going their way. The Netherlands had already fallen, as had Belgium, and France looked like it
wasn’t far behind. Soon Britain would be the last man standing in the seemingly unwinnable fight.
He hadn’t heard from James or Regulus in over a month, and he had no idea where they were.
Sirius’ communication had also become erratic and the clench around his heart refused to let up.

It was on a warm morning at the end of May that Remus made his way up to the manor for
breakfast, he walked into the kitchen to find the children crowded around the table, covered in jam
and drinking tea. Monty and Effie weren’t with them, so he wandered up to the drawing room to
find them. Effie was sitting by the wireless, concern etched into her features. Monty looked
equally as grim and had a paper open in front of him. He beckoned Remus in and so he took a seat
next to Effie on the settee. A voice began to ring over the wireless and Remus felt that immediate
sense of dread that had become so common when hearing news of the war.

“The German High Command yesterday claimed what it called the ‘annihilation’ of the British and
French in Flanders and Artois. At the same time, it claimed that the British Ground Force had ‘fled
to the sea. Evacuation of troops from the Flanders coast under close pressure from the enemy, in
face of aircraft attack and at speed, is a task of enormous difficulty. The only port remaining in our
hands is Dunkirk, and the harbour there can take only a few ships of small draught at a time. Study
of the coast shows the great difficulties of embarkation of large numbers of men. It has become
known that four hundred thousand of our troops are stranded on the beaches of Dunkirk with little
hope of rescue. The British Government is asking all those with possession or access to fishing
boats and vessels to make themselves known in order to support in the monumental task of
returning our brave men home.”

Remus felt a cold flush descend over him and the ringing in his ears made it quite impossible to
hear any more of the tinny voice over the wireless. Where were James and Regulus? Were they
stuck on that beach? A more worrying thought occurred to him that they might not be, and if they
weren’t, they were surely stuck in enemy territory. He jumped up from the settee and began pacing
the room.

“I need to get to the coast,” he said firmly.

“Remus,” Monty began.

“No Monty, you heard it, they need boats. I need to go and help, James might be over there,
Regulus too! We can’t leave them to rot.”

“We can’t do anything Remus, we don’t have a boat, we’re miles away from the coast. They’ll get
them home, you have to have faith.”

“Fuck faith!” Remus spat out. He had never spoken to the Potters so harshly but the white-hot
panic in his veins removed any sense of decorum. He continued pacing the room and Effie didn’t
complain when he lit a cigarette. Was Sirius there too? Was he protecting James on the beach? He
had never felt so lost and hopeless, after the past year of relative calm, it seemed all was lost. He
wouldn’t survive it, he realised, if James and Sirius didn’t make it home. But they were asking for
fucking fishing boats and there were thousands of them, the chances seemed so slim and the
realisation that James would likely not return finally hit him. He collapsed to his knees and sobbed,
Effie was weeping quietly into her sleeve. Monty stood and made his way over to Remus, he didn’t
say anything but joined him on the ground, wrapping his arms around Remus in mutual despair.

Remus felt a small arm wrap around his neck in addition to Monty and he looked up to see Mikey’s
concerned face watching him. He wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand and tried to give the
boy a reassuring smile, he could see that he was scaring him.

“Why are you crying?” the child asked.

“I’m not crying Mikey, I’m just a little scared is all,” he said in a rough whisper. Mikey wrapped
his arms around Remus’ neck and buried his face into Remus’ shoulder.

“It’s okay Moo’ey. Pecto Tronum.”

 Chapter 14
Chapter Notes

As there is a lot of French spoken in this chapter, when the speech is in italics, it is
supposed to indicate it is in French. Hope that makes sense when reading! Also I
apologise for any mistakes with the actual French in the chapter, I relied entirely on
google translate.

CW: There is war-typical violence and depiction of people being killed. I should
mention that this warning should be taken for pretty much all chapters from here on. I
will put continue to put warnings when there are particularly violent things, or any
main/ significant character deaths.

Regulus

“There’s a village up ahead” Regulus spoke in French. “Let’s circle along the tree line and have a
look at what we can see.”

“It will be like all the towns south of Lilles, already captured, mon chou,” Barty replied. Regulus
rolled his eyes at the term of endearment but crouched low and moved towards the thick cover of
trees on the edge of the muddy field they were walking through.

“Even so, there might be a barn or something we can hold up in for the night.” Barty huffed beside
him. Regardless, he followed Regulus’ lead, keeping low and following the cautious steps like a
shadow. Regulus crept forwards, edging around the field. The dusky evening night was providing
them with enough cover to hide in the shadows of the trees, but one wrong step, or a dart of
movement, and they could quickly have an entire regiment of German soldiers eyeing them down
the barrel of their guns.

“Get down!” Barty suddenly exclaimed in a harsh whisper. Regulus dropped to the ground and
covered his head without question. The dry stalks of unharvested wheat poked against his stomach
uncomfortably, and he listened carefully for any sound of the imminent danger. For a few
moments, all he was able to hear was Barty’s heavy breathing, uneven due to his attempt to quieten
it, and the distant sounds of gunfire across the horizon.

The crunch of footsteps alerted Regulus to the men’s presence, along with a soft murmuring of
German. He couldn’t understand their whispered words, he had always been awful at German, all
languages really, his grasp of French was just a lucky biproduct of speaking it interchangeably with
English snice birth. He tried to breathe steadily and braced himself against the ground. He pressed
one hand against the earth, his arm muscles tensed and ready to propel him up if he needed to run,
his other hand was trained on his rifle, ready to shoot. The footsteps stopped on the path beside the
field, mere feet from where Regulus and Barty were lying. Regulus felt a small tug on his boot, and
he risked turning his head to see Barty crawling infinitesimally slowly backwards into the treeline.

Regulus took his lead and began creeping backwards, each movement as slow as if he were wading
through jelly. Each move of his legs risked cracking a stalk of wheat, or a clink in his uniform, and
then they would surely be found. But they also couldn’t risk remaining there, one look down and
the soldiers would spot them. After what felt like a lifetime, in which Regulus barely breathed, he
felt his boot lightly tap the trunk of a tree behind him. He scurried back and sat against the rough
bark, shielding himself from view. Barty was slightly further into the woods, his boot poking out
from behind a large yew tree. The two remained there for at least half an hour, listening to the
German soldiers as they smoked and talked. When the soldiers’ footsteps finally indicated their
retreat from the area, Regulus at last let out the tense breath he had been holding and eased back
into the soft moss below him.

Regulus and Barty didn’t speak as they trudged their way through the woods, steadfastly avoiding
the small village that was certainly too risky to approach after their near miss. After an hour of
walking, they were enveloped in darkness. The quiet of the countryside, silent except for the soft
rustling of leaves and occasional scamper from some creature suffocated Regulus. Barty’s nerves
were clearly on edge too, he kept tapping his rifle, three times in a repetitive rhythm, it was an
unconscious habit that Regulus had picked up on in his first week of knowing the other man. He
had found it annoying, but in the dark din of the woodlands, surrounded by the enemy, he found it
oddly reassuring, to know his friend was still there beside him.

They must have walked for miles through the woodlands, no destination except north, out of the
occupied area, and towards their own troops. Regulus found himself stumbling over tree roots and
seeing darting shadows in the deep depths of the trees. A trick of the light, or an enemy soldier, his
nerves didn’t allow him to distinguish between the two. Eventually, the two men conceded that
they couldn’t walk any further. They found a large tree, slightly upturned as if it had been partially
tipped over during a storm, with exposed roots. They crawled beneath the roots, reaching around to
feel as they went. Regulus didn’t want to think about what creepy crawlies they would be spending
the night with, he was just grateful for the chance to rest for a few hours.

Regulus curled up into a ball, making himself as small as possible, they were probably shielded
from view by the roots, and the chance of a soldier walking through this specific area of the woods
was highly unlikely, but he couldn’t find it in himself to relax. He felt Barty press himself against
his back, wrapping a small army-issued blanket over their two bodies. Regulus felt himself
unconsciously tense at the pressure. It wasn’t the first night they had spent curled up against each
other to preserve warmth, but there was still an annoying persistent tug of guilt in his stomach as he
thought about what James might think if he were to see their position.

“Relax, mon chou. I’m not trying to seduce you,”. Regulus huffed a laugh and relaxed slightly,
allowing himself to drift off into a fitful sleep for a few hours.

Regulus had met Barty two weeks earlier. He had spent the weeks since landing in France with his
regiment making their way south towards Amiens, they had encountered little resistance as the
enemy hadn’t made it that far into France yet. The distant sounds of rockets and artillery fire grew
louder with each day as they made their way towards the action. Regulus had awoken early from
their base in Doullens. The town had not yet been captured and they were afforded somewhat
comfortable sleeping quarters in the basements and living rooms of abandoned houses. They
marched early towards Amiens where they knew they would face the enemy. Regulus’ blood felt
cool in his veins with every step towards the small town. This would be it, his first real encounter
with warfare.

The tanks made it there first, and Regulus knew that they had arrived when the shuddering sound
of gunfire began rattling out across the countryside. He could feel the vibrations through the
ground as they got closer, and every instinct in him wanted to run away, but still he marched
forwards. They approached the town and faced carnage, his company quickly peeled off to the east
of the town, an attempt to encircle and trap the enemy within. Regulus ran through the small streets
with ten other men, bullets ricocheting off the narrow walls around him. They fell out into a large
square, a huge clocktower in the centre loomed over the violence.

“Get down!” someone shouted, and Regulus didn’t need to be told twice, he threw himself to the
ground as a bullet whizzed past his head. He looked around wildly to the source of the gunfire and
spotted the glint of a sniper rifle at the top of the tower.

“Sniper in the tower!” he shouted, and they darted for cover behind vehicles and a short wall
which ran down the eastern side of the square. The gunfire was so rapid and loud, Regulus could
barely breath, he couldn’t find the strength to move from where he was crouched behind the wall,
too terrified of what lay beyond.

“Forwards!” his commanding officer shouted. Despite every fibre of his being begging him not to
move, he dutifully followed orders and sprung up. There were German troops spilling into the
square now and Regulus didn’t hesitate to raise his rifle and begin to shoot. He hadn’t shot it
towards another human being before, and he didn’t look to see if his bullets made contact. A body
fell beside him and another in front of him as his fellow soldiers began to take hits. Regulus darted
towards the edge of the square, attempting to find some cover from the onslaught of bullets. A
large tank ambled into the square, quickly met by a matching German one. They approached each
other like slow animals preparing for battle and Regulus had no warning before the deafening
shelling began.

Regulus had reached the bottom of the clocktower and crouched down behind a large empty truck.
He had only a second to react when a grenade was thrown into the shattered windshield of the
truck. Regulus didn’t have time to even try to run when the blast threw him back violently against
the large clocktower.

His limbs were entirely lifted off the ground, and the force blew his helmet from his head, he
uselessly tried to orient himself before his body was propelled against the hard rock behind him.
His head cracked violently, and Regulus had only enough time to blearily blink around the dusty
air and take note of the screaming voices before he passed out.

When he awoke, it was evening, and he was alone. Half of the clocktower had been blown off,
leaving a large crater in the side of the building. There was debris surrounding him and Regulus
realised it was a miracle he survived. There was a pile of grey stone from the clocktower laying in
front of him, between the wall behind him and the square in front. He supposed that had been his
saving grace, he had been entirely hidden from view from the German soldiers who had clearly
succeeded in pushing back his regiment if their loud voices and the large tank ambling across the
square were any indication. Regulus lifted a hand to his head and winced as he felt the tender
wound, he felt the sticky coagulated blood coating his fingers and matting his hair. The loud shout
of a German soldier, close to where he was hidden made him realise that he needed to get out of
there. His regiment were either captured or had retreated, and this town would not be safe for him
to linger in.

Regulus crept along the edge of the clock tower, keeping low and hiding in the shadows. He was
grateful for the nightfall as it shielded his movements from the soldiers surrounding him, but he
still moved with cat-like stealth to not be spotted. He noticed a small alleyway at the edge of the
square. Assuming there were no soldiers within it, it would be his easiest route for escape. He
crouched behind a large chunk of the belfry and took a deep breath. He glanced furtively around
the square, which was quickly filling up with soldiers, speaking loudly and swigging from hip
flasks.

Two soldiers were walking towards him, moving slowly but steadily, puffing on cigarettes. If he
didn’t move quickly, they would end up right on top of him. With a stroke of luck, someone called
out to the two men, catching their attention, and diverting their eyeline away from where Regulus
was hidden. He sprung up and sprinted as quickly and quietly as he could towards the alleyway.
His boots thumped against the cobblestones and he winced with each step. He made it to the
alleyway and darted in just as he heard a loud shout echoing behind him.

“Halt!” Fuck, he’d been spotted.

He sprinted through the alleyway, hemmed in on both sides by tall walls and with the reverberating
stomp of boots now chasing him down the narrow path. He careened around a corner, into another
alleyway and wound his way through the rabbit warren, trying to lose his pursuers. They were not
letting up, and as Regulus’ lungs began to burn, he could hear them catching up to him. He flung
himself around another corner, each time anticipating coming face to face with the barrel of a rifle.
He legs were at risk of falling out beneath him when he heard a voice call out to him.

“Ici! Anglias, Viens vite!” The French words were all Regulus needed to hear for him to trust the
speaker. He careened to a stop and turned to face the direction of the voice. A man was poking his
head up from a trapdoor in the floor next to a small tavern, he beckoned Regulus over, rushing him
with his hand. Regulus didn’t hesitate and sprinted towards the trapdoor, throwing himself down
into the basement without looking back. The other man carefully closed the trapdoor behind him
and lifted his finger to his mouth, indicating that Regulus should remain silent. Regulus didn’t need
to be told twice, he rested his head against the cold brick of the stairs leading down towards a dark
basement below and tried to catch his breath.

The sprinting boots of his chasers finally approached and slowed down on the street above their
heads. Regulus pushed himself up slightly, so that he could peer between the wooden slats of the
trapdoor. He held his breath as the soldiers discussed his disappearance. He could feel the tension
from the man next to him, undoubtedly wondering if saving him had been a bad idea. After what
felt like a lifetime, the soldiers made their way off and didn’t investigate their hiding place,
Regulus let out a deep breath of relief and finally allowed himself take in his surroundings. His
heart was still beating rapidly, and he could feel the adrenaline coursing through him after the near
miss.

“Come with me,” the other man said in accented English. Regulus dutifully followed him down
into the dark basement. He could see that the other man was also a soldier, French by his uniform
and accent. They made their way through the dark, Regulus ran his hand along the smooth plaster
to help guide him until they reached a small room at the back of the basement. There was a small
gas lamp burning, a makeshift bed made from pallets and a few old blankets, and not much else.
Regulus sunk down and sat with his back against the wall of the small room. The other man sat
across from him on the bed and threw him a small packet of crackers. Regulus gratefully took them
and began eating, the last meal he’d had had been the watery porridge he had for breakfast.

“What are you doing here?” Regulus asked in French.

“You can speak French? That’s unusual for a rosbif,” the other man said. Regulus rolled his eyes
at the friendly snark.

“My family is French, from Marseille,” he said. The other man nodded.

“I’m from Bergerac. We were in this town for two weeks before the Germans came. Everyone else
is either dead or captured but I’ve been stuck down here for a week. I thought that I could finally
escape when I heard your lot coming, but it looks like that hasn’t worked out,” he said.

“No. I think they’ve fallen back. I was knocked out and woke up surrounded by the enemy.” The
Frenchman looked grim but nodded understandingly.
“You can stay here with me, but we need to leave soon. They’ve been clearing through all the
houses, it’s only a matter of time before they find us here.”

“Okay. We’ll wait for dawn and make our way out. If we’re quick we could find my regiment, they
were at Doullens before this.”

They sat in silence for a few moments and Regulus tried to make sense of the day, how he’d ended
up stuck in a basement with a stranger. The likelihood of them making it out of the town and back
to safety seemed entirely impossible if he was being honest.

“What’s your name?” the French soldier asked.

“Regulus.”

“Barty Crouch,” Barty reached out across the tiny room and extended a hand of greeting. Regulus
shook it readily.

“Thank you,” he said. “For saving me back there, I was fucked until you called out to me.” Barty
simply shrugged, as if it had been the only possible course of action and leaned back against the
makeshift bed he had hobbled together. Regulus took the moment of respite to take in his
surroundings properly, the cellar had clearly been used to store ale at some point, there were a
couple of empty barrels laying up against the far wall. The flickering orange light created lengthy
shadows against the whitewashed walls and the hair on the back of Regulus’ neck was raised with
each movement out of the corner of his eye.

He also took a moment to assess the mysterious French soldier that had saved his life. He was
lounged back with an arm behind his head, tufty brown hair stuck up and at least a days’ worth of
beard growth shadowed his strong jawline. He had his eyes closed, but Regulus could tell from his
shallow breaths that he wasn’t sleeping, merely resting. He was very handsome, his long limbs
stretched out across the pallets and his trousers were cuffed, revealing a sliver of ankle covered in
that same auburn hair.

After a few length moments of silence, Barty cleared his throat and turned on his side to face
Regulus.

“Where are you from?” he asked.

“London.” He replied. “I’ve been here two weeks, today was the first encounter we had with the
enemy. It’s looking fucking grim.”

“Bien sûr! You’re not wrong. Every fighting man from my village is either dead or captured now.
My mother managed to send me a letter, they have an officer staying in my house. My father is
allowing him to sit at the table for meals if you can believe!”

“What choice do they have?”

“More than that I should think. My sisters haven’t stepped foot in the house, they’re living in the
shed with the horses because they’re too scared.” Barty crinkled his forehead as he retold the
story, he shook his head, as if trying to forget some awful thought that had wandered through his
mind and looked carefully at Regulus.

“Is there a sweetheart waiting for you back in England?” Barty asked. Regulus hesitated, unsure
of how to answer without giving too much away. “Ah, there is!” Barty declared, picking up on
Regulus’ hesitance. “Well, are they sweet to you?”
“Oui,” Regulus couldn’t stop the fond smile that crossed his face at the thought of James. He had
tried his best not to think of him for the past two weeks but was incredibly unsuccessful. He spent
restless nights wide awake imaging the awful fate he may have already succumbed to. “Oui, il est
très gentil.” Regulus immediately realised his mistake. “Elle... elle est très gentile” he stuttered out
rather unconvincingly. He could see Barty’s eyebrows had immediately shot up at the masculine
word and Regulus could tell he was caught. He tensed his muscles and stared at Barty, ready for a
confrontation.

A sly smile crept from the corner of Barty’s mouth and Regulus allowed himself to relax. “He is
handsome too?” Barty asked playfully.

Regulus clenched his mouth, determined to not say any more but he couldn’t help the flutter in his
heart at the question. “Ah ha! Of course he is, a man as beautiful as you must have the most
handsome beau.” Regulus rolled his eyes but glanced at Barty who was now sitting upwards with
an enraptured smile on his face. He was quickly starting to like this stranger, and that was an
uncommon enough experience that it made his stomach hurl slightly with fear.

“Yes he is very handsome, and tall, and kind,” Regulus said. He realised he hadn’t spoken about
James to anyone, and the ability to talk about him out loud was intoxicating. “He got posted to the
Netherlands, I haven’t heard from him.”

Barty’s smile dropped slightly at those words. “Holland surrendered,” he said in a quite voice.
Regulus nodded grimly; he had heard that. And he hadn’t felt a moment without the sick twist of
dread since.

“And Belgium. I don’t know where he is.”

“He’s probably fine.” Barty said, an attempt at reassurance. “ They either sent him home or he’s
here in France.” That didn’t do much to ease Regulus’ nerves. With how badly things were going
in France, he prayed that James had been sent back to Britain. “He’ll be okay mon chou.” Barty
said. Regulus raised his eyebrows at the pet name. Barty shrugged again. He reclined on his back
again and stretched out on the rough blankets beneath him. “Just my luck to meet a beautiful boy
whose heart already belongs to another,” he sighed. He winked at Regulus and then turned on his
side. “Best catch a few hours of sleep if we’re going to get out of here tomorrow.”

Regulus didn’t know what to make of Barty’s flirtation, but he didn’t have much energy to dwell
on it. He nodded and began brushing the dusty floor, trying to make it somewhat more habitable.
Barty whistled to him and patted the side of his make-shift bed, shifting over to make room.
Regulus raised his eye and looked at the space on the hard mattress. “Relax, mon chou, I have no
intention of trying to tempt you,” he laughed and turned over to face the wall. Regulus couldn’t
turn the offer of a slightly more comfortable bed down and so joined him on the pallets, keeping
his body right at the edge. He quickly fell into a deep sleep and was only awoken to the rustling of
Barty packing his rucksack a few hours later.

Regulus and Barty crept through the quiet streets of Amiens at the break of dawn, climbing
carefully over the debris of the destroyed town. They darted into doorways and flattened
themselves behind the few vehicles left behind and eventually made it to the edge of the town
unseen. Regulus spotted the road that they had taken from Doullens, it was now bombed and
littered with tanks. They knew it would be too risky to walk the road itself and so made their way
through the wheatfields, the tall sprouting plants obscuring them from view. They remained silent
and crept with as much caution as they were able. Regulus felt extremely uneasy, the tall plants that
hid them from view, also obscured anyone else that might be hiding or walking through the field.
They walked for hours in quiet, stopping only to eat some more of their rapidly dwindling rations
and to fill up their canteens from a small spring. As the afternoon light began to fade into darkness,
they spotted Doullens up ahead. Regulus breathed a sigh of relief, sure that they were about to be
saved.

They approached the town with some confidence, no longer being so cautious with their steps.
Suddenly, the trundling sound of a German engine on the road startled the men from their
complacency. Regulus flung himself to the ground and felt Barty’s body hurl down beside him. He
held his breath for what felt like an eternity, sure that they had been spotted. When the engine
finally faded into the distance, Regulus stood with some caution. It suddenly occurred to him, that
maybe Amiens wasn’t the only loss the British had suffered, maybe this town had also been taken.
Barty seemed to have the same thought if the concern etched in his face was anything to go by.
Instead of making their way into the town, they skirted around the edge, spotting more German
vehicles and soldiers dotted throughout. Regulus could feel the last dregs of hope fading away.

They found a small farm at the far edge of town; it was run-down and rather ramshackle. Regulus
reasoned that it probably didn’t have any officers in it, and they should be able to risk staying for a
night. If he was honest, he was just exhausted and was quickly losing any instinct of self-
preservation. They found their way to the back of the farm’s large barn and snuck in through a
broken door, loosely attached by one hinge. They climbed to the top of the hayloft and buried
themselves in behind a grouping of large sacks and boxes. The space was tight and claustrophobic,
but Regulus didn’t want to risk being spotted if anyone decided to check the barn. Regulus slept
fitfully that night, and Barty seemed equally concerned. They didn’t speak much, still terrified at
being so close to the enemy, and instead they took shifts keeping watch.

As the sun began to rise, a rooster cried out in the distance, indicating that it was time for them to
get moving. Regulus couldn’t move a muscle, his limbs felt like lead. He had no more will to walk,
and he was sure it was pointless anyway, clearly all was lost. It was only with Barty’s insistent
poking that he was eventually able to pull himself up and furtively make his way to the barn’s exit.

Footsteps in the yard beyond the lopsided door halted them in their tracks. Barty raised his finger to
his mouth and held tightly to his rifle. Regulus also lifted his gun, ready to at least make an attempt
of resistance if they were caught. The footsteps were light and moving quickly towards them.
Regulus barely had time to respond when the door slammed open, and a very startled old woman
came face to face with the end of Barty’s rifle. The woman exclaimed at the surprise of being
confronted so suddenly with a gun and jumped backwards.

“Stand down soldiers, I am here to feed you,” she said, rather alarmed. Barty lowered his gun,
apparently deciding that the small old lady was most likely not a threat.“ I saw you enter the barn
last night. You need to be more careful; the enemy have surrounded us.” She said as she handed
over a small bundle wrapped in cheesecloth. Regulus took the package and opened it to see a small
loaf of bread and a hard block of cheese, his stomach grumbled at the meagre offering.

“Thank you, we haven’t had a proper meal for two days,” he said. “Do you know where the
English went?”

The old lady looked at him curiously, the juxtaposition of his fluent French, English accent, and
French travel companion clearly raising some questions for her.

“They have gone North, towards Dunkirk. But they’re being surrounded, you need to move fast if
you want to catch them. Although you should know it is a hopeless task, the Germans will have
Dunkirk soon enough.” Regulus didn’t need to hear any more of the pessimism, he had a
destination, and that was all he needed to know.

“Thank you,” Barty said again, and hugged the lady firmly before heading out of the barn door.
Regulus smiled at her and tried to convey the depths of his gratitude before following Barty out
into the farmyard.

They spent over a week making slow progress through the French countryside. Sounds of rockets
and artillery fire were getting louder and seemed to be coming from all directions. They spent their
evenings hunkered down in barns and hidden away in woodlands, hunched close together to
preserve warmth.

Eventually they found themselves squashed beneath a tree root in the woods “Relax, mon chou. I’m
not trying to seduce you,” Barty said. Regulus didn’t think he was, but his constant reassurance left
him doubting.

They walked through several decimated villages, entirely abandoned by soldiers and civilians
alike. One village was strewn with paper flyers, laying across the destroyed streets and deserted
shops. Barty bent down to pick one up. It had a map on it, depicting the town of Dunkirk and the
Northern coast, entirely enclaved by German troops. ‘British Soldiers! Look at this map: it gives
your true situation! Your troops are entirely surrounded- stop fighting! Put down your arms!’ it
stated. Barty glanced up at Regulus, fear in his eyes. For the first time Regulus began to doubt that
their journey towards their own troops was the best course of action, but where else would they
go? How else would he make it home? Regulus snatched the leaflet from Barty’s hand and tore it
up.

“Let’s go,” he said shortly, straightening his back and continuing through the dark cobblestone
streets.

They had managed to avoid the main clusters of German enforcements on their way towards
Dunkirk. Regulus realised that they were no longer pressing forwards, and it didn’t give him the
relief he thought it should. They clearly had the upper hand, why weren’t they swooping in and
obliterating them? Instead, they had blocked off all the main roads and encircled the town.

Barty and Regulus crept through the woods, avoiding main roads and towns, continuing North.
Eventually they had reached the edge of a tree line and came upon a wide field tapering upwards
towards a small hill, obscuring the view beyond. Regulus began to walk forwards when Barty
grabbed hold of his jacket. He immediately tensed up, grabbing his rifle, and darting his eyes
around for the threat. When he couldn’t see any imminent danger, he looked at Barty who had a
small smile on his face.

“Do you hear that?” Barty said. Regulus frowned and listened closely, there was a distant roar, of
wind maybe, and the hazy sound of gunfire, carried on the air. And the unmistakeable screech of a
seagull, Regulus’ heart began to thump as he realised what that meant. Suddenly the dull roar of
the wind clarified into the rushing sound of waves, and Regulus noticed the smell of saltwater in
the air. He could hardly believe they had actually made it; they were at the coast.

Regulus scrambled to the peak of the hill, towards the intoxicating smell of saltwater and the
distant shouts of English voices. As he breached the top, the wide expanse of Dunkirk beach
opened out in front of him. Thousands of men were dotted across the wide-open plane, faced by the
roaring crash of waves. He could see people spread out as far as he could see, a large breakwater
stretched out into the ocean and even from this distance, Regulus could see that it was crowded
with soldiers. There was military equipment and tanks abandoned across the beach and a large
Ferris wheel loomed over the sorry sight. The town behind them was burning, houses were blown
to bits, and bullet holes adorned every building. Regulus scanned the beach desperately, people
were strewn out, dead or alive, he couldn’t tell. Others were lined up waiting for rescue. There was
one upturned boat with holes blasted into its hull, and not another boat to be seen. Regulus scanned
the horizon, trying to see the deliverance the men were so clearly waiting for, but saw nothing but
sea and sky that blurred into one unending grey mass.

“Where are the boats?” Barty asked, alarm creeping into his voice.

“I don’t know.”

“They are on their way surely?”

“I don’t know.”

“Fuck!” Barty exclaimed, throwing his gun to the ground, and collapsing onto his knees. Regulus
didn’t blame him, they had finally made it to safety, and it was clear that there was no safety to be
had, they were doomed. A whining noise overhead alerted them to a bomber approaching rapidly.
Regulus flung himself to the ground and pulled Barty down with him, they covered their heads and
braced for impact. The bomber zoomed overhead and towards the beach. Regulus looked up to see
the thousands of men flinging themselves to the ground, running for the few areas of cover as the
plane unloaded a barrage of bullets at the sitting ducks.

“They’re totally exposed.” Regulus said, unable to comprehend what he was seeing. He knew that
the German troops were surrounding the town, and encroaching quickly, and now they were being
attacked from above like fish in a barrel. When the plane looped around and retreated into the
distance, Regulus lifted himself up and squinted out into the distance. “Where are they? They
should be coming to rescue us! For fucks sake, you can almost see it from here!”

“See what?” Barty asked, peering into the horizon.

“Home.”
 Chapter 15
Chapter Notes

Just a short chapter this time!

CW: More depictions of war-typical violence, injury and death. There is a minor(ish)
character death in this chapter.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

James

James slumped down onto the hard damp sand beneath him, he rested his arms against his knees
and groaned out loud. He was tired, hungry, and he hadn’t washed for a week. They’d been stuck
on this bloody beach for four days now and only a few boats had arrived to take away a measly
number of stranded soldiers. There were bombers flying by every few hours and obliterating the
exposed men on the beach. The French were holding down the line at the edge of the town, but
they could only do that for so long, and the RAF were no where to be seen. James squinted up at
the white sky and searched the clouds for any hint of hope.

“Where are you Sirius?” he asked desperately. Truthfully, he didn’t really want Sirius there, with
any luck he would be safely back in Dorset waiting this out. First, they had been pushed out of the
Netherlands, and then Belgium, they had tried in vain to help the French at the border, but they
were pushed back yet again. He didn’t have much hope left, he had watched people die, and had a
few close calls himself.

His mind inevitably wandered to Regulus, as it so often did. James had spent the first two days at
Dunkirk running up and down the beach, scanning each face and looking for Regulus. The thought
that Regulus might be okay seemed to be an impossibility after all they’d been through over the
past month. It didn’t matter much regardless, James reasoned, it wasn’t exactly looking good for
him either right now.

“Cheer up lad,” Frank called out as he dropped down beside him. The irony wasn’t lost on James,
his deathly grim outlook was entirely appropriate for the situation. Frank’s unwavering optimism
was getting a bit much even for James.

“Oh just let me rot here in peace,” he replied.

“Sorry mate, can’t do that. Look over there, in the distance.” James followed Frank’s finger
towards the horizon and blinked a few times to better see through his cracked glasses. He frowned
for a few moments, desperately searching for something to hope for when he spotted it. A boat.
“Looks like a destroyer,” Frank said with a grin.

James’ swooping heart dropped as he glanced quickly around the boat and didn’t find any others.
“There’s only one,” he said. “How many men can one boat take?” James glanced around the beach,
there were tens of thousands of men stranded, all looking hopefully at the horizon as the blurry
shadow of the destroyer approached.

“Where there’s one there’ll be more,” Frank said, ever the optimist. James honestly didn’t have the
energy left to hope. He collapsed onto his back and stared at the blurry white sky. He felt
immobilised, he had fought so hard, he had attempted to help with evacuation efforts, he even went
into the town to search for food, but none of it helped. He’d always been able to help, his entire
life, and here he just couldn’t.

Frank eventually coaxed James up from the sandy beach and they made their way down to the
water’s edge. There was a noticeable wave of excitement as the destroyer was joined by a second
large naval ship and the energy on the beach was beginning to rise. Frank and James helped a
dozen or so other men to drive and push their jeeps and tanks into the shallow waters, creating a
small jetty in the hopes that it could be used as a make-shift pier. It wasn’t like they were going to
be able to take the equipment with them anyway. James took off his jacket and rolled up his
sleeves, he reached into a large jeep and manoeuvred it into neutral.

“Alright, push!” he shouted out to the other men who were clutching its sides, they dug their feet
into the sand and thrust the large vehicle down towards the water. James grabbed hold of the jeep
through an open window and heaved, they pressed against the resistant waves and managed to drag
the car into the sea until James was standing up to his chest in the salty water. He jogged back out
of the ocean, sopping wet and proceeded to make his way up to another vehicle that some of the
men were preparing to push. He stood behind it and braced his weight against the rear of the
vehicle, waiting for the signal.

“Need some help?” a French voice called out to them.

“Go ahead,” Frank replied. A few new bodies joined them at the jeep and a French soldier ran up
next to James, adding his strength to the back of the vehicle. “Okay, push!” Frank shouted as all
the men heaved the trundling jeep down to the water’s edge behind the line of cars now jutting out
into the water. The tide would rise further in time, and the line of cars would allow the men to
make their way to smaller boats if they arrived. It was all James could do to make himself feel
useful, and so he put everything into it. When he found himself chest deep in the water once again,
he let go of the car and began making his way up to the beach.

“Thanks mate,” he said, slapping the Frenchman on the back.

“No problem,” he replied. The other soldier reached out a hand of greeting and James shook it
readily. “Barty Crouch,” the man said.

“James Po-“

“James?”

James froze at the sweet sound of his name in that familiar voice. He swung around, still up to his
knees in water and looked desperately for the source. Regulus was standing in front of him, soaked
in seawater, standing next to the jeep and watching him with an amazed expression. James rushed
forwards towards Regulus and launched himself into him, wrapping his arms around his body and
holding him tight. Regulus clutched James just as hard and buried his face into the crook of his
neck. The momentum of their fierce embrace pushed the men back and Regulus lost his footing,
sending both men careening into the surf. James didn’t give a shit, Regulus was here, and he was
alive. James stood on shaky legs, trying to avoid getting a nose full of saltwater and pulled Regulus
up beside him. He stared at Regulus’ pale face and held his shoulders in his hands.

“You’re here,” he said.

“So are you,” Regulus replied with a trembling voice. James pulled him in to another tight hug and
felt himself begin to cry.
“I was so scared for you,” James said. God how he desperately wanted to kiss him, to hold his face
in his hands and shower him with adoration. He tried to convey the depths of his relief in his tight
embrace before stepping back slightly. He scanned Regulus up and down, he was dirty and pale, he
had dark shadows under his eyes, stubble along his jaw, and was worryingly gaunt after only a
month. But he was alive and did not appear to be injured.

They made their way back onto the beach, staring at each other with disbelief. “So, I take it you
know each other?” Barty said, he had been watching the spirited reunion from the shore.

“Yes, Barty this is my… James. This is James, from home,” he stuttered out. Regulus turned to
James. “Barty saved my life, we’ve spent nearly two weeks trying to get here.”

James reached out to vigorously shake Barty’s hand again. “Thank you, Barty. It seems I owe you
everything,” he said earnestly.

“Vous ne mentiez pas. Il est très beau” Barty said to Regulus in French, a coy smile indicating an
inside joke.

“Oh, tais-toi,” Regulus replied. James looked quizzically between the two, the bright smile on his
face never leaving as he tried to be let in on the joke. He had been terrible at French in school.
Ironically enough, it was German that James was particularly skilled at.

“When did you get here?” James asked.

“Yesterday, we’ve been trying to see what we can do to help” Regulus replied. They made their
way up the beach and took seats on the sand close to the boardwalk. “Barty found some of his
countrymen, but if they’re not at the barricades, they’re waiting for salvation the same as us.”

James, who had been staring intently at Regulus, still not believing that he was right here with him,
finally pulled his eyes away to scan the beach. It was absolute carnage, most men were now
clustered in groups along the sand, too exhausted to help with the makeshift piers, or lining up
ready to be first on the boats if more than the two that were approaching were to ever arrive. James
frowned and peered at the long breakwater that reached out into the sea, the two destroyers were
approaching it, and James had to admit it that it was ingenious. The narrow jut of concrete was not
supposed to be used as a pier, but with the shallow waters and encroaching enemy, it was their only
option.

“What do you think our chances are of making on to those?” James asked grimly. Regulus
followed his gaze to the ships. There were thousands of men crowded onto the narrow causeway,
far more than the boat could reasonably hold. James knew it would be pointless even trying, but
the reunion with Regulus had provided him with a new wind of optimism.

“Not a chance,” Regulus replied, he looked to the horizon and then to the skies. “Where are the
RAF?”

“I don’t know,” James replied.

“Vous pouvez la voir?” James had quite forgotten that the French soldier was still with them. He
looked at him questioningly. “Sorry, can you see that, on the horizon?” he repeated in English.

“I think its boats,” Regulus said, a tone of amazement in his voice. James peered into the horizon,
where small shapes were beginning to form. He stood up and slowly began approaching the
seafront, not quite sure if his eyes were deceiving him.

“Fucking fishing boats,” James said under his breath. He couldn’t quite believe what he was
seeing. Dozens of small vessels were steadfastly making their way towards the beach, ready to
rescue the stranded soldiers. James felt his heart leap with relief, they were coming. James turned
to look at Regulus, a grin on his face and a heady delight rushing through him as he allowed
himself to believe for the first time in weeks, that things might just be okay. Regulus was watching
him with astonished eyes, he clearly couldn’t quite believe the sight that was unfolding, neither
could many of the men surrounding him by the sounds of their shouts and laughter. A low buzz
whirred through the air as James looked back at Regulus, full of all the hope and desire he had
thought had been entirely wiped out.

“Get down!” a voice cried out. James staggered where he stood as the warning was interrupted by
the rapid sound of gunfire and the droning engines of two bombers swooping down from the
heavens. A body collided with his, pushing him to the ground with some force. James covered his
head with his hands and curled up as small as he could, clenching his eyes closed as the jubilant
cries of relief quickly turned into screams of anguish and shuddering explosions. The onslaught
continued for several minutes, and James waited for the moment that a bullet pierced his body.

That moment didn’t come, however, and as the droning engines faded away, James looked up,
immediately searching for Regulus. He was curled up against the concrete boardwalk, his hands
wrapped around his head, and his body arched into itself, he hadn’t been hit. Relief flooded James’
body and he looked around, trying to assess the damage, there were bodies all around him, strewn
across the sand where they fell. Barty was lying next to him, with wide eyes and chest heaving.
James realised that it was he who had warned him about the incoming danger, and he who had
tackled him to the ground.

He placed a hand on Barty’s shoulder and helped him to stand. “Thank you, you saved me,” James
said, quite astonished at this other man’s generosity. Barty shrugged, like it was the only thing he
could have done. He looked around and quickly made his way over to Regulus.

“Mon chou, es-tu blessé?” he asked Regulus.

“Non ça va” Regulus replied.

James looked between the two, suddenly feeling outside of them. His rising anxiety was quelled
quickly as Regulus’ eyes locked on his, they were wide and full of fear. James walked forward in a
few quick strides and wrapped Regulus in his arms, placing one hand firmly in his matted curls and
rubbing reassuringly on his back with his other.

They sat on the beach for hours, watching the two large destroyers load up and leave without
them. The small boats in the distance were making slow progress towards them. Frank and Peter
came and joined them after a while, at a loss for anything else to do. Peter passed around crackers
and sweet tea from a metal canteen. There was a trail of black smoke rising from the horizon,
indicating that at least one of those boats out there had been hit. James prayed that the men inside
had been able to escape before it sunk.

As the first of the small vessels approached the beaches, men crowded down to the water’s edge,
some even began to swim out to meet them. James, Regulus, Peter, Frank and Barty joined them in
the surf and climbed on the first boat they reached before it had even stopped its engine. They
stood protectively around Barty, shielding him from view from the other passengers in case any
dared to say a word to the Frenchman on board. When three dozen men were crammed on board,
squished so close they were practically sitting on top of each other, the small boat began to pull
away from the beach and made its way to a new destroyer waiting in the deeper water.

The small fishing boat shuddered towards the large destroyer and pulled up alongside its smooth
grey hull. Rope netting was already hanging down the side of the ship, and men from other boats
were clinging onto the frayed line, pulling themselves up towards the deck. Frank and Regulus
went first, James should have expected the grace with which Regulus was able to climb up the
swaying ladder. Peter followed shortly after. James pushed Barty in front of him, ensuring that he
made it safely onto the rope ladder before he grabbed hold of the tough material himself.

He had barely any energy left after days without sleep, with barely any food, but the sheer
adrenaline of being so close to rescue drove him upwards. With each step he felt himself swing in
the strong breeze, thumping against the stern of the ship. James eventually reached the top and
dragged himself onto the deck, he felt hands around his shoulders as his friends pulled him onto the
already crowded deck. The small group quickly made their way to the bow of the destroyer and
huddled together on the deck. Men were pouring into the hull below, and more boats were pulling
up alongside, ferrying even more men on board.

Someone handed out blankets and they gratefully took them, wrapping the coarse material around
their shoulders to protect against the bracing sea breeze. James looked towards the beach, dim now
in the dusky evening light, and spotted the same boat that had delivered them to salvation, heading
back for more men. James slumped down to the ground and finally allowed himself to breathe,
they were so nearly there, so close to returning home.

An hour later, the sun had finally set below the grey horizon, and the boat was as full as it could
be. There were still tens of thousands of men on the beach, waiting for rescue. The small crawlers
and fishing vessels continued to pick them up, and James could see some of them disappearing into
the distance towards Dover. Peter was standing by the edge of the deck resting against the taffrail.

“Do you have a smoke?” James asked as he approached his old friend. Peter nodded and handed
him his pack. James took one and lit it gratefully, taking a long puff and blowing the smoke out
across the dark mass of sea in front of them.

“They’re going to hate us,” Peter said in a small voice.

“Who will?”

“Everyone back home. We failed, entirely, and now we’re next.”

James frowned and looked at his friend’s worried face. He tired to think of some reassuring words,
some soft assurance that that wouldn’t be the case. But Peter was right, they had been at war for a
month, and they had completely and utterly failed. Even if they made it home, they were nothing
but disappointments. James frowned and looked across the ocean, the lights from the destroyer
bounced off the gently undulating waves. “We did our best. And we will continue to do our best,”
was the only thing he could come up with. Peter looked up at him with a soft understanding smile.
At least they were in this together, as they always had been.

Peter took a cigarette and lit his own, he leaned against the railing and looked towards the horizon
again. His brow crinkled slightly with confusion as he appeared to spot something across the water.

“What’s that?” he asked. James peered across the waves and spotted what Peter was looking at. A
sharp bright light was beaming under the water, travelling towards them with extreme speed. Its
straight path was heading right towards them, and it only took a second to realise what he was
looking at.

“U-BOMB!” he screamed as loud as he could. Panic immediately ensued as men jumped up from
their lounged positions and braced for impact. James whirled around to find Regulus in the crowd
 just as the all too familiar buzz of a bomber plane droned overhead. James only had enough time to
look up towards the incoming plane when the u-bomb exploded into the side of the ship. An
almighty blast shook the entire vessel and it jolted roughly to the side. James clung on to the
barrier with all his strength as men were tossed overboard. The rocket had blown a crater into the
side of the hull and the destroyer was rapidly taking on water. The screams of men stuck below
were deafening. James watched as Frank launched himself across the deck and pulled the heavy
iron doors leading down to the hull open, using all his weight, proving escape to those trapped
below.

James clung to the railing as the ship began to tilt on its axis bearing dramatically to its right. He
looked around wildly, trying to spot Regulus, and found him clinging to another railing with Barty.
He was looking at James with panic and James scanned his mind for the best course of action. The
approaching drone of the bomber above them became deafening and bullets began raining down on
the exposed men on the ship. James shielded his head as best as he could while clinging to the edge
of the boat.

He looked up to see Peter’s wild eyes staring at the approaching plane. His eyes flickered down
and met James’ for only a moment before a bullet pierced his shoulder and exited the back of his
neck, spraying James with blood.

James’ stomach curdled and he let out an unholy scream as Peter’s form collapsed back over the
railing and into the crashing waves below. James didn’t think for even a second before he launched
himself off the tilting ship and into the ice cold black water beneath, arms outstretched and
reaching out for Peter.

Chapter End Notes

(Poor Peter! I feel bad that he wasn't a huge character in this fic, but there wasn't much
room for more of him)
 Chapter 16

Regulus

“JAMES!” Regulus screamed until his lungs ran out of air as James’ body dove off the side of the
ship after Peter. Regulus ran forwards, up the steep incline of the tilting ship and grabbed a hold of
the barrier. He pushed himself over the edge so he could see into the dark black waters below. It
was impossible to see anything, lights from the rapidly sinking ship were darting across the water.
Groans and creaks of metal grinding against itself drowned out the shouts of soldiers who were
flooding into lifeboats and diving into the cold depths. Regulus kept screaming, his voice hoarse
and cracked as he desperately searched the waters below for any sign of James.

He lifted himself onto the barrier and prepared to jump in, the ship had tilted so far that it was no
longer a straight drop down. He would have to slide down the side of the boat and risk being
sucked beneath it, but James was down there, and Regulus couldn’t see if he had resurfaced. He
launched himself off the edge of boat and felt a sharp tug around his waist, stopping him in his
tracks. He twisted himself around to see Barty clinging on to him from behind.

“Let me go!” he shouted, pathetically scrabbling at Barty’s jacket, but Barty kept his hold firm.
“Laisse-moi partir!”

Barty held on tight, refusing to loosen his grip, a shuddering jolt threw both men careening down
the deck and into the barrier on the opposite site of the bow. Regulus watched in horror as a large
scaffold broke off the top of the ship and plummeted into the ocean, right where James had
disappeared. Tears were streaming down his face, and he could feel the ocean splashing across him
as the deck finally began to be engulfed in water.

“We have to go!” Barty screamed over the deafening noise. Regulus saw Frank stumbling towards
them, he pulled each of them up by their collars and looked across the chaos.

“We’re going to have to jump,” he said. Without warning, Frank jumped into the icy water, it was
only a drop of a couple of feet due to the dramatic tilting of the ship. Regulus looked behind him,
the deck was almost entirely vertical now and he knew if he hesitated much longer, he would be
sucked down with the boat. He grabbed hold of Barty’s arm and flung himself into the water. He
kept a firm grasp of Barty as the icy blast hit his face. The water was pitch black except for a few
lights flickering from the sinking ship. He twisted his body to right himself but waves continued to
pull him under and he quickly lost grasp of Barty. He flailed in the strong current, twisting and
turning until his lungs burned, trying to find the surface. Just as he had almost lost hope, his face
broke the surface and he gasped huge lungful’s of air, choking on the salty water crashing over his
face.

“Regulus!” Barty’s voice called out to him, and he twisted to see Barty treading water. Regulus
swam forwards to meet him, and they grabbed hold of each other in the swirling ocean. Regulus
looked desperately around himself, the lights on the groaning ship had finally flickered out and
Regulus was able to see the bow slip beneath the surface. He and Barty began swimming to the
shore, making slow progress as men around them cried out. They swam to the edge of a small
wooden lifeboat and clutched onto the side.

“Don’t go back to the beach! Take us to Dover!” Regulus heard a man shout from inside the boat.

“In this thing? You must be mad” a gruff voice replied. “Alright boys, hold on tight, there’s no
more room up here,” the gruff-voiced soldier called out to Regulus and Barty, who were clinging
on to the side of the rowboat. Regulus held on with as much strength as he had left and let himself
be dragged to shore. The rowboat threw out a rope behind it that a dozen men clung to, allowing
themselves to be pulled back to the beach.

When Regulus finally felt the sandy ground beneath his feet he let go of the boat and began wading
up towards the beach. He made it three steps onto solid ground before he collapsed onto his back
and screamed into the sky. He poured every ounce of anguish and pain into his parched scream,
cursing the very stars above him. He rolled on to his side and sobbed, grasping the sand with his
fingers.

“Regulus! Regulus where are you?” he heard a voice call out to him above the sounds of chaos
around him. He sat up and took a breath, tears continued to streak down his face when he saw
James dive off a small lifeboat and begin to wade through the water. The moonlight bounced off
him and he seemed like ghost, Regulus was sure that he was.

“Ici! Here!” Barty called out beside him. James’ eyes turned and spotted them on the beach, he
began sprinting up towards them and collapsed in front of Regulus, who was still unable to move.
James clutched Regulus’ face in his hands and looked him in the eye. His wet hair was plastered to
his face and his dark brown eyes glistened with emotion.

“Are you okay?” he asked earnestly. Regulus couldn’t move, too numb with the overwhelming
sense of doom and disaster being enacted around them.

“Why did you do that?” he eventually managed to croak out. A flicker of confusion crossed James’
face. “I thought you were fucking dead!” Regulus sobbed.

James pulled Regulus against his body and held him tight. “I’m alive. I’m still here,” he whispered.
They sat there in their close embrace for a few moments, Regulus clenched his eyes shut against
James’ heaving chest, the rough material of his jacket scraped against his face. “I tried to save him,
I needed to…” James was cut off by a sudden sob. His whole body began trembling with emotion
as James held on to Regulus and cried.

“He was already dead, when he went over,” Regulus replied.

“I had to try. He… I knew him since we were kids.” James murmured, his body still vibrating with
emotion. Regulus pulled James close to him, allowing James to ease his body against his own. It
appeared that James had lost all ability to hold himself up and was now just as immobile as
Regulus was.

They remained in their close embrace for the entire night. Both men entirely unable to move and
barely able to sleep. Barty had gotten up and was helping Frank drag more survivors form the surf
and eventually wandered over to wrap blankets around their shoulders. Regulus watched the sun
rise over the horizon with bleary hopeless eyes and wondered what his grave would be. Would it
be here on the beach, or out there in the English Channel? All hope of making across the small
stretch of water seemed entirely out of the question.

As the morning sun rose higher into the sky, the familiar sight of those tiny fishing vessels grew on
the horizon once more, and there appeared to be more of them, many more. The rattling shelling
and machine gun fire in the town behind them was also getting louder and Regulus could feel
himself being pinned in on all sides. By the time the small boats arrived at the shore, James had
stood up and was looking out at the dozens of vessels that had come to rescue them with
amazement.
“Look alive,” Franks voice called out to them and Regulus looked up to see Frank walking
determinedly down the beach, Barty in quick pursuit. James reached out a hand and Regulus
allowed himself to be helped up from the sand. They jogged after Frank who was making his way
down the beach towards the furthest fishing vessels. Men were clambering on to each one, and they
were quickly being filled.

“Prongs! Prongs over here!” a voice called out to them. Regulus couldn’t believe what he was
hearing. He thrust his head up and searched the beach, the sea, and the boats for the source of the
voice.

“It can’t fucking be-” he heard James mumble. Regulus looked at James who was staring up ahead
at him with a look of such astonishment, he might have just witnessed a miracle. Regulus followed
his gaze to a small worn-down fishing boat, patched up and barely sea-worthy. Standing on the
bow was Remus, tall and broad in the blinding sunshine. He waved at them, and his bright kind
face was probably the most astonishing sight he’d ever seen.

James took off in a full sprint towards Remus, who in turn jumped off his boat and waded through
the shallow waters to meet them. James collided into Remus and wrapped him in a hug as Regulus
approached.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” James cried out.

“Well, I couldn’t let you have all the fun, could I?” Remus said. He slapped James on the back and
looked grimly around at the destroyed beach. “C’mon get in, and let’s get home,” Remus said.
Regulus didn’t hesitate to throw himself onto the small boat and he was quickly followed by
James, Frank, and Barty. Several other men clambered on board and Remus helped to pull their
exhausted bodies into the small hull.

“Get that frog off the boat, the evacuation is for us, they’ll get their own,” a pointy-faced man with
a squeaky voice snarled at Barty. Regulus immediately felt himself tense up and he moved between
Barty and the man, prepared for a fight. James tugged the man around by the shoulder and raised
himself to his full height, pulling back his shoulders. The ferocious look of anger on his face was
terrifying, Regulus hadn’t imagined that James was capable of such hostility.

“He’s staying. Deal with it or I’ll toss you overboard myself,” he said in a measured, tense voice.
The other man visibly shrunk under James’ glare. He threw a dirty look towards Barty but kept
quiet, taking a seat at the opposite side of the boat. After a dozen more men managed to clamber
into the small vessel, it finally started up its engine and began its journey across the Channel.
There was a tiny wizened old man at the helm, and Regulus would have been worried about the
state of the boat if he had any energy left to care. He and James made their way down into the hull
and collapsed on the floor, surrounded by other soldiers. Remus followed them down and handed
them a flask of whiskey. Regulus took it gladly; the burning amber liquid warmed him as it made
its way through his throat.

“What on earth are you doing here Moony?” James said as Remus took a seat next to them.

“I couldn’t just wait around doing nothing when I heard what was happening. I went down to
Dorset and found the only boat that hadn’t been acquisitioned by the Navy, and the only man
willing to sail it. Old Henry up there was ready to head off on his own, but I said I’d jump on board
to help him out. Probably for the best too, I think he’s about ninety. Monty’s going to kill me when
I get back.” Remus laughed and James’ eyes crinkled at the edges as he took in his old friend that
he clearly couldn’t believe was actually there in the flesh.

Regulus looked around the small cabin at the exhausted, traumatised men who were slouched
around. The juxtaposition of Remus with his fresh wavy hair, clean shaven face, and woollen
jumper was stark compared to the dirty, haggard figures. Regulus realised he must look much the
same. Regulus then turned to James, properly assessing him for the first time since they had been
reunited. He was also dirty of course, and his eyes were rimmed with dark circles. But his lively
vibrance still shone from him. The beard he had grown made him look more mature, and his face
hadn’t hollowed out in the same way Regulus’ had.

Regulus loved him so much. It was deep primal feeling that Regulus wasn’t aware he was capable
of, and it terrified him. Regulus kept seeing James jump overboard, he remembered how James had
not reappeared in the waves and that fleeting certainty that he was dead. Regulus' stomach lurched
at the memory, he threw himself across the room and threw up into a bucket that had been laying
on its side. He continued retching, nothing but bile coming up due to the lack of food in his
stomach until he curled in on himself, wrapping his arms around his chest and he began to weep.

They spent several hours tensely bobbing their way over the large swells towards home. The drone
of planes above them left the men inside clutching their rifles or shaking in fear on several
occasions. But miraculously, they had made it across the English Channel.

“Come see, Reggie!” James called out to him from the deck. Regulus stood on shaky legs and
clambered up the small steps towards the surface of the boat. It was full of soldiers, all of whom
were facing the same direction, many leaning over the railings to get a better view. Regulus pushed
his way through the crowd and looked to the horizon where the faint bright white cliffs had finally
come into view. “We’re home,” James said in a whispered, awed voice.

As the men began cheering and hugging each other, many passing around flasks of whiskey,
Regulus couldn’t find the strength to celebrate. He knew what they had just left, the utter
devastation they had left behind. One glance at Barty’s drawn face told Regulus that he felt much
the same. Those same cliffs that signalled salvation were going to be the first things seen by the
invading force. And it would happen soon. Weeks, if not days, and Britain would fall too, Regulus
was certain of it. He gave a tight smile in response to James’ bright grin and tried his best to join in
the celebrations. After a few minutes, he felt a new wave of exhaustion surge over him however
and so he trudged down into the hull again. Barty followed him down and dropped beside him on
the floor.

“I can’t believe I left them all behind,” Barty said in a small voice.

“They’ll rescue your men too,” Regulus tried to reassure him.

“But France has fallen, and I’ve run away.” Barty brought a fist to his tired eye and rubbed it as
tears began to form. “Seven uncles I lost in the first war. My father lost two brothers and my mother
lost all five of her siblings. I didn’t think it could happen again.”

Regulus reached out a hand and rubbed his back. “I know. And the fights not over. Not for us
anyway,” Regulus said grimly. Barty looked up at him with watery eyes and nodded.

“Not for me either. I’m going back. I don’t care if I’m killed or captured, I must help resist,” he
said. Regulus felt that familiar swoop of fear in his stomach at Barty’s words.

“No Barty, please don’t do that. James’ family have a big house, and land. They’ll take you in and
you can stay for the rest of the war.”

“They might not have it much longer. The Germans are on their way.” Barty said, and Regulus
realised that he was right. Monty, Effie, Lily, his friends in London, the war was coming to them
now too. “Besides you know I can’t do that. I will return to France as soon as I am able.”

Regulus couldn’t bare it, Barty would surely be captured or worse the moment he stepped foot on
French soil, but he didn’t know what he could say to dissuade him.

“Here, mon chou.” Barty said as he began rifling through his tattered backpack. He dug out a
small, wrinkled notebook and flipped through its pages until he pulled out a small photo. The
picture was of a small cottage, it was barely visible after the water damage it had been through, but
Regulus could make out the small wooden fence, picturesque stone walls, and painted shutters on
its windows. “This is my home. See I have the address on the back- it was supposed to be for if
someone found my body. They would know where I belong.” Regulus flipped over the photo and
saw the address in blurred ink. “Take it and write to me when this is all over. Tell me that you
made it through, and I’ll tell you the same.”

Regulus swallowed harshly and nodded, he held the photo tightly in his hand and slipped it into his
breast pocket. It was a promise, not just to write, but a promise to survive.

Regulus felt himself begin to cry; he didn’t think he had cried so much in his life as he had in the
past day. He heard steps on the stairs from the deck as James climbed down and peered around the
small room. He looked at Regulus with large, concerned eyes, a small crease in his forehead
indicating his confusion at Regulus’ weeping. Regulus noticed his eyes flicker to Barty as he tried
to make sense of their sombre mood.

“We’re home Reggie,” James said in a weak voice. Regulus smiled at James and nodded; he knew
the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes as the tears continued to stream down his face.

Hours later, once they had made it back onto solid ground, they had found their way to temporary
barracks in the town of Dover. They were to stay there for the night, they would then be allowed to
return home for a week or two while they awaited their next postings. Regulus had been shocked to
see the thousands of people who lined the streets, cheering them on as if they were a victorious
army, and not simply fleeing, defeated soldiers. Women cheered at them from their windows and
young boys ran up to them with bottles of lemonade.

Word began to filter through that the beach at Dunkirk had been cleared, everyone had been
rescued, and the remaining French soldiers were also on their way. Everyone except those whose
bodies were left behind, Regulus couldn’t help but think. He thought of Peter, his body hadn’t even
been recovered, it was still out there somewhere and that’s where he would remain.

Remus, James, Barty, Frank and Regulus made their way into one of the many crowded pubs along
the shore once they had washed and had a proper meal. They were greeted by a raucous applause
and the locals tumbled over each other in their eagerness to buy drinks for the returning soldiers.

“The way they’re going on, you’d think we’d bloody won the war,” Regulus grumbled as they sat
at a small round table drinking their pints of bitter.

“We’ve just experienced a miracle Regulus, that hope is more valuable than anything right now,”
Frank replied.

Someone turned on the wireless and a small tinny voice began to ring around the cosy pub. The
voice was unmistakable and determined.

“We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we
shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island,
whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we
shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender …”
Regulus stood from the table pushed his way through the silent listeners until he burst through the
pub doors. He looked up at the sky and took several deep gasping breaths. The voice that spoke of
resilience and hope made him feel sick. He had never felt so hopeless in his life. He knew he
should be celebrating, that he should be thankful for the miraculous survival he had just
experienced, but all he felt was dread.

He lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply as he heard the pub door open behind him. He turned to see
James approaching him with concern.

“Reggie? Are you okay?” he asked in a troubled voice. Regulus couldn’t find it in himself to speak
and so he just nodded sharply and took another drag of his cigarette.

“You’re in shock, I think. You’ll be okay once we go home and rest for a bit,” James’ nervous
voice echoed around the empty road.

“I’m not coming back with you,” Regulus said. James looked at him with confusion, his mouth
agape as he tried to understand Regulus’ words.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“I’m not going back to Godric’s Hollow. I’ll go back to my uncles in London while I wait for my
posting.”

“I need to go back to see my parents, I can’t stay in London,” James said. “Maybe I could come by
in a week?”

“No. You’re not understanding me, James. I’m going back to London, alone. And this… well this
thing that happened between us. It’s done now.” James took a step back at the words, the shock
reverberating through his body. “I can’t feel like this any more James, this clench around my heart,
I feel like I’m dying.” Tears began welling up in Regulus’ eyes yet again as he spoke. “When I
thought I lost you- I can’t, I won’t go through that again, I’m not strong enough.”

“Regulus, you won’t, please stop talking like this,” James said. He strode towards Regulus and
took his face in his hands, forcing him to look him in the eye. “Please, I know you’re scared, I am
too. But isolating yourself, running away isn’t going to stop you from feeling.”

Regulus pulled James’ hands away from his face and stepped back slightly to create some distance
between them. His stomach hurt, and the tightness around his chest was suffocating. “James, I need
you to let me go. It’s over, it was only ever supposed to be a summer fling anyway.”

James’ face looked like he had been mortally wounded at those words, his brows furrowed with
anger, and he kept his focused gaze on Regulus. “You’re lying. I love you Regulus. I know you
can’t say it, but you love me too. It was never a fucking summer fling,” the sweet words were
punctured by James’ harsh tone.

“Mon chou, is everything okay?” Barty appeared from the doorway behind Regulus. Regulus saw
James’ eyes dart up to look at Barty.

“Yes, it’s fine Barty. Go back inside.”

“’Mon chou’, he always calls you that. What does it mean?” James asked as Barty retreated back
into the pub.
“My cabbage,” Regulus said dryly, wiping his tear-stained face.

James’ perplexed gaze fell upon Regulus again. “He’s been calling you fucking what?”

“It’s just a phrase- oh it’s not bloody important,” Regulus said.

“Is this because of him?” James said after a moment, his eye flickering back to the door through
which Barty had disappeared. “Is that the real reason?”

“Would it make it easier if it was?”

James studied Regulus with a considered and wholly unfamiliar gaze. Regulus could feel the anger
emanating from him, and for the first time since he had met James, the man felt like a stranger to
him. His wounded, betrayed face was studying Regulus intensely.

“I don’t understand you Regulus,” he said after a moment. He swallowed harshly and nodded. “I
hope you have a nice time in London. Write to mum though, it’s the least you could do.” Regulus’
chest constricted at James’ harsh words and there was an animalistic scream stuck in his throat,
begging to be let out. James looked at Regulus one final time, his eyes glazed and watery before he
turned his back and walked away.

Regulus knew he had to do it, but it didn’t make it any easier to see James’ bowed silhouette
disappearing into the distance. Regulus didn’t know if he’d ever see him again, he doubted he
would, and he tried to memorise the gentle slope of his shoulders, his broad straight back, and the
assertive gait of the only man he’d ever loved.
 Chapter 17

James

James walked away from Regulus, away from the loud pub and boisterous privates spilling out into
the streets. Rage, jealousy, and hurt burned through his body, and it was a wholly unfamiliar
feeling. The turmoil of the last day, the last month really, had not yet settled and he couldn’t quite
make sense of everything that had happened. Regulus had just thrown him away, like he was
nothing. A swell of grief overcame him so suddenly and he darted into a small cobblestoned alley
bracing himself against the wall, quite sure he was about to collapse.

He had seen how close Regulus had been with the Frenchman almost as soon as they had been
reunited. He had noticed their casual intimacy and the French they spoke that kept him outside of
them. But he had never assumed it had been anything more, not really, not until Regulus’ sad eyes
looked at him outside that pub and dismissed him so easily. James was a fool, he had fallen heart-
first into something untenable, and it was his own fault. Regulus had never said it back, and now it
appeared for good reason. As James leaned back against the cool brick of the alleyway, he felt the
pressure of Regulus’ locket around his neck burning into his chest. He reached a hand up and
grabbed it through his shirt, but he didn’t reach to take it out, or even look at it. It was pathetic
really, that the cold chain could provide him with any relief when all it represented was his own
idiocy.

James walked aimlessly down the dark alleyway and away from the bustling crowds that lined the
streets behind him. He exited onto a small road, a few people were still milling about, but most had
poured into the pubs along the shore. James spotted a small dingy pub across the way; its tinted
windows and low hum of noise made it clear that it had been far less popular with the liberated
privates this evening and so he made his way across the road and entered.

The pub was tiny, cream walls lined a small room in which there was a bar at one end and a
scattering of tables throughout the rest. A dartboard in the corner was currently in use by two old
men who stopped when they saw James enter in his uniform. James tipped his hat to them politely
and then made his way though the tables towards the bar. There were only two other patrons,
sitting quietly and sipping their pints of bitter.

“Hello love, what can I get you?” a pleasant, round-faced woman asked him from behind the bar.

“Whiskey, if you’ve got it,” James replied. The woman nodded and went about pouring him a
rather generous serving of scotch. James began fumbling around in his pockets for a few shillings
as she handed it over.

“No no, that’s on the house,” the woman said quickly. “No man arrived from Dunkirk will be
paying in this establishment.”

James smiled and thanked her. He could feel tears well up at the earnestness with which she spoke,
the promise in her face. Their miraculous rescue had clearly provided a much-needed surge of hope
among people. James felt another wave of resentment for Regulus, how could he not see this? Yes,
in all aspects it had been an unmitigated disaster, but they had survived, and they could still fight.
James didn’t have the ability to lose hope so quickly, to give up so quickly.

James sat on a stool by the bar and threw back his whiskey in one long gulp, the barmaid quickly
refilled his glass without being asked. James looked into the amber liquid and decided he was
going to get very very drunk. It occurred to him that he had left Remus back in the other pub, but he
wasn’t willing to run into Regulus again just yet. So James threw back his second glass and asked
for another. As he began sipping his third glass of whiskey, one of the old men who had been
playing darts wandered over and sat beside him.

“Great lads, the lot of you,” he said.

“Hmm?”

“My nephew was over there,” the man continued. “Got word this morning, his spitfire was downed
over the channel.”

James watched the old man with a grim expression, he didn’t know what to say. He’d seen so much
death in such a short amount of time, he had become somewhat desensitised to it. But he had never
had to speak to someone about it, a family member who wasn’t there, who didn’t see how
miraculous it was that any of them did make it home.

“What was his name?” James asked.

“John,” the main replied.

“To John,” James said lifting his glass in a toast. The other man lifted his and nodded before taking
a sip.

“Did you say he was RAF?” James asked, the significance suddenly dawning on him.

“That’s right squadron 213.”

“So they were there? I didn’t see a single spitfire,” James said.

“Oh they were there alright. From what I heard, they were met at the channel, couldn’t break
through.”

James frowned, he had thought that the absence of the air support had been because they hadn’t
been sent. His mind immediately fixated on Sirius and a new flood of fear enveloped him. Deep
down he knew that Sirius was alright, he would have felt it if he wasn’t. It might be a ridiculous
notion, but James knew that the moment Sirius’ heart stopped beating, wherever he was, James
would feel it happen.

“It’s up to them now. The RAF and the navy,” James said rather morosely. James looked up to the
old man’s stoic face and noticed that everyone else in the room was watching him with concern.
“But we’ll be here ready to fight if the enemy breaks through,” he added hastily as the reality that
their safety relied on protecting that small stretch of sea seemed to finally sink in with the other
patrons.

He finished his whiskey with another long gulp and gestured to the barmaid to pour another. After
an hour of sitting in the pub, his glass being topped up frequently, he was slouched against the bar
and the small room was swirling around him.

“There you are,” a familiar voice echoed around the modest pub and James twisted on his seat to
look at the door. Frank walked in and relief quickly turned into concern as he took in James’
drunken state.

“Frankie!” James cried, he opened his arms, flinging a good deal of whiskey onto the floor and
nearly toppled off the stool. “What are you having?” James turned to face the barmaid, who was
also watching him with a sympathetic grimace. “A whiskey for my friend, he’s a fine bloke.
Travelled from Holland with him and neither of us got shot. What are the chances?”

“C’mon James, I think its time we head back,” Frank said. He placed an arm around James’ waist
and attempted to lift him from his stool. James twisted out of his grip and held firmly onto the bar.

“No, I’m happy right here with my new friends,” James slurred.

“James…” Frank’s voice was infuriatingly soft and pleading. James couldn’t understand why he
wouldn’t join him for a drink, after everything they’d been through. As it turned out, the whiskey
had done a great job at dulling all those uncomfortable emotions that had been churning around
inside him.

“It’s alright Frank, leave me here,” he said.

“The flat upstairs is empty, bring him up to sleep it off,” the barmaid said to Frank. James pouted
at her betrayal and hiccupped as she handed a key over to Frank.

“Alright James, time to go,” Frank repeated. This time he wrapped an arm around him firmly, and
James felt himself being pulled to his feet. Frank led him outside the pub and towards a door next
to the entrance. Frank fumbled with the key as James rested his entire weight against the other
man, he was singing rather loudly, and couldn’t quite remember when he’d started. Frank huffed a
laugh as the door finally opened and James tumbled up the first few steps to the flat that was
nestled above the pub. With much corralling, Frank finally managed to drag James up into a small
threadbare room that contained little more than a dusty sofa, a coffee table, and a few bookshelves.
Frank deposited James onto the sofa and then began inspecting the flat, he disappeared into another
room as James eased into the worn cushions. He stared at a crack in the wall opposite him, it was
dancing across the dimly lit walls.

“There’s a bedroom in there, you can sleep it off and I’ll stay on the sofa.” Frank said, he pulled
James up from the settee with some effort and stumbled into a small bedroom with James. James
felt himself fall back into the bed and the sudden movement made his stomach lurch. Frank
perched himself on the edge of the bed, James watched his figure duplicate and fade with bleary
eyes. “What happened James? You seemed so happy a few hours ago,” Frank said.

Regulus happened, James thought bitterly. The large grey eyes flashed in his mind, the long dark
eyelashes and the full brows that had been pinched with sorrow. James couldn’t bare the thought
even a moment longer and he began to cry.

“Shh, I know it’s been fucking rough. You’ve probably gone into shock, it takes a while for these
things to sink in, everything we’ve been through.” Frank said. “You’ll be okay James. Sleep it off,
you’ll feel better in the morning.”

As Frank got up to leave him James felt a pang of panic at being left alone, he reached out and
grabbed hold of Frank’s arm, keeping him in place.

“Don’t go,” he said.

“I’ll sleep in the next room, I’ll be right here,” Frank replied softly.

James’ chest was tight, and his stomach was lurching, all those feelings he had been so successful
at drinking away had started to emerge again and he needed to get rid of them. He needed another
drink, something to stop him from feeling. In a sudden rush, James pushed himself up and pulled
Frank’s head towards his and kissed him. Frank jolted backwards and James toppled down with
him. He continued to kiss Frank from his position above him on the bed. Frank was muttering
something he couldn’t make out; James’ head was spinning and he could barely focus on the
sensation of the rough lips against his own.

“James I said stop,” Frank’s stern voice rung out and James felt himself be pushed back roughly.
James looked up at Frank, confused by his stunned expression. He pressed forwards again and
wrapped his arms around the taller man.

“Don’t you want me? It’s all I’m good for Frank” he said in a raspy voice. He buried his face into
Frank’s neck and began scrabbling at his belt, furrowing his brows as his clumsy fingers refused to
cooperate. “I’ll blow you if you want,” he murmured as he focused on the impossible task of
undoing Frank’s belt.

“James,” Frank said in a firm but kind voice as he gently pulled James’ hands away from his belt.
“James, what are you doing?”

“You can fuck me if you want. You don’t have to love me, I’m used to it,” James slurred. Frank’s
brows furrowed and he looked James in the eye. He pushed himself up and stood up besides the
bed. Frank gently guided James down so he was lying on his side and pulled a blanket over his
body before crouching down beside him.

“People do love you James, I know we’ve all had a bad run of it, but you need to keep your head
up.” Frank said in a soft whisper. “And you need to be more careful about that sort of thing, it
could get a fella into trouble.” James could barely understand Frank’s words, but he could feel the
gentle way he was brushing his hair back from his forehead. James murmured and eased into the
soft touch, burrowing into his blanket before he drifted to sleep.

James woke to a thumping headache and in an unfamiliar room. He groaned and turned onto his
side, still not quite awake enough to make sense of his surroundings. He felt his stomach churn and
a hot flush descended over him, he threw himself out of bed and clambered to the only door in the
room, bursting out into a small living room. Frank was reclined on a sofa, reading the paper, and
looked up in alarm at James’ sudden entrance.

“Loo?” James managed to croak out as he clutched his stomach. Frank hastily pointed towards a
door in the corner of the room, James flung it open and only just managed to throw himself down
in front of the toilet before he began throwing up violently. He heaved and choked until he had
nothing left in his stomach. He rested his forehead against the cool porcelain lid and whined, the
previous evening had slowly began forming in his mind.

“Get it all up?” Frank’s voice rang around his head and James was sure it was about to explode. He
nodded grimly and then fell back against the wall of the small bathroom. Frank entered and sat on
the edge of the bathtub looking at James’ sorry state.

“I’m sorry Frank,” James muttered with some difficulty. “I’m so embarrassed, I never get that
drunk.”

“You’re alright James, we’re all tempted to drown our sorrows after what we just went through.
“Just a bit of advice though, don’t make it a habit. The drink has a funny way of turning strong
men into shells of themselves.”

James thought of Lyall, how he had buried himself in a bottle the day he came home from France,
and for the first time in his life he finally understood the impulse. He lifted his knees up and rested
his head against them as more memories of the night before formed in his mind. He remembered
Regulus, he wasn’t about to forget that, he also remembered the small pub and the copious
amounts of alcohol. Images of Frank’s face looking up at him, the rough feel of his lips darted into
James’ mind and he bolted up from his slouched position.

“Oh god Frank, I’m sorry-”

“It’s alright James,” Frank interrupted, raising his hands in a placating gesture. “You were very
drunk, no harm done alright?”

James grimaced and covered his rapidly reddening face with his hands, he wasn’t sure he’d recover
from the humiliation.

“I didn’t know you swung that way,” Frank said in a soft voice.

James looked up at him with wary eyes, he was too embarrassed to really be concerned about
Frank having a negative reaction, and if he knew anything about Frank, he was sure there was no
risk. He nodded and cleared his throat.

“Yeah well… I guess so. It would appear I swing all ways,” he managed to stutter. Frank smiled at
him; it was far too kind considering how James had accosted him the night before.

“Oh yes. Alice told me about that. She’s the same way you know?”

“She is?”

“Mmm. Call me naïve but I hadn’t really thought that was an option,” Frank huffed a laugh and
James couldn’t help but join in.

“I didn’t realise it wasn’t an option,” James said.

Both men laughed heartily in the tiny bathroom and it felt so blissful to finally laugh after weeks of
sombreness that James quickly found himself hysterically wheezing, clutching on to the side of the
bath.

James trudged down to the hastily put-together barracks once he had washed up and gathered the
strength to walk. He pushed past the streaming crowds of privates excitedly making their way to
trains and transports home or to new training grounds.

“James! Where the fuck did you go?” Remus came bounding over to him as soon as he entered the
large makeshift tent that was supposed to have been his home for the night.

“Long story, got smashed,” was all James was able to say as he spotted Regulus’ sullen figure over
Remus’ shoulder.

“Were you with Frank? He went off to find you and neither of you came back.”

“Oh yeah he found me,” James said. Regulus was folding his uniform and stuffing it into his pack,
but James saw how his shoulders stiffened at those words. Remus hesitated with a curious look in
his eye, as if he wanted to ask more but thought the better of it.

“Alright then, well get moving we’re on the eleven o’clock train,” Remus said. He hesitated again
before patting James on the back and making his way out of the tent. James made his way over to
his bunk and began throwing his meagre belongings into his water-damaged pack in silence. He
could sense Regulus’ doing the same a few beds down from his own, but he couldn’t find the
strength to turn and look at him. After he had shoved in the last of his belongings, he threw his
pack over his shoulder and began walking purposefully out of the tent without so much as a glance
at Regulus.

“Goodbye James,” Regulus’ small voice carried over the still atmosphere and James felt the air
punched out of his lungs. He stopped in his tracks and sighed deeply, determined to find the
strength to not look back. He didn’t, and he looked. Regulus was stood by his bed watching him
with those large sorrowful eyes and James couldn’t understand it. He didn’t understand how he had
the nerve to look so deeply wounded when it was he who had thrown him away, it was Regulus
who had found someone new.

“What did I do wrong?” James said in a pathetic voice, hating himself for even saying it. Regulus
rushed forwards and stood limply in front of James.

“You didn’t do anything wrong James. It’s just… this can’t work, not in this world and I think
you’ll see it one day,” Regulus said.

“But it could work with him?” James said bitterly.

“With who? Barty?” Regulus replied. James nodded and swallowed, trying desperately to fight
back the tears that were welling up.

“No. That’s not… I’m not supposed to be loved the way that you love. You’ll understand-”

“Stop telling me I’ll fucking understand, I’m not some child you can appease with weak words and
flowery lies Reg.” James interrupted. Regulus took the sharp words admirably and didn’t flinch in
the face of James’ anger. “And you need to get over that. Stop making a martyr of yourself, telling
yourself you don’t deserve love just because you’re unused to it. All it does it hurt the people that
do care about you. You don’t need to let me love you, but not letting anyone? Well that’s just
fucking selfish.”

That seemed to stump Regulus, he opened his mouth as if to say something, but didn’t appear to
find the words.

“It doesn’t matter anymore, I won’t make that mistake again. Thank you for curing me from my
ridiculous obsession with love,” James said bitterly. With that, he gathered all his remaining
strength and walked away from Regulus once again.

The train ride back from Godric’s Hollow was a sombre one. The train was packed with soldiers,
celebrating, singing, and sharing drinks. Remus seemed to pick up on James’ dampened mood and
sat quietly beside him, letting James rest against his shoulder. The gentle lurch of the train as it
careened through the valleys of Southern England did nothing to quell his broken heart, or to
appease his tumbling, hungover stomach.

“Alright James, time to put on the game face,” Remus said to him in a quiet voice as the train rolled
to a stop. James looked around him and peered out the window at the station they were
approaching. Godric’s Hollow platform was packed with people, wide smiles on their faces and
cheering the homecoming soldiers. James could see his parents surrounded by a gaggle of children,
Lily and Mary were there too, as were most of the village by the looks of it. James took a deep
breath and followed Remus off the platform to the awaiting crowds.

His parents rushed to meet him first, wrapping him in their warm embrace. Lily and Mary were
next, hanging around his neck and clinging to him as if he had been resurrected from the dead.
Despite his diminished mood, his spirit was significantly boosted by the sight of them and he could
feel a weight lifting with each bright smile. Four children ran up to him and clung on to him like
small monkeys. He looked down at them, quite baffled. He had heard about the evacuee children
from Remus, but their enthusiastic welcome was quite surprising.

“Prongs is home! Moony told us all about you,” the girl said, her face red with excitement. James
shared an amused look with Remus who shrugged nonchalantly.

“Well he’s told me all about you too…” he looked to Remus again, wracking his brain. ‘Liz’
Remus mouthed, “Liz! You have to tell me all about what trouble Moony has been getting you
into.” All four children immediately launched into their excitable retellings of their time at the
manor. James couldn’t help being charmed by their immediate trust.

“Remus,” James looked up at the stern tone in his father’s voice. He had been at the receiving end
of that tone quite a few times in his youth, as had Remus. James looked to Remus who had also
picked up on the tone and was looking at Monty with child-like guilt.

“Listen Monty, I had to go, you know I had to. I swear, I only did one trip and I found them! I
bloody found them. I had to-”

“Thank you, Remus,” Remus’ ramblings were cut off by Monty’s sincere voice. James recognised
the emotion in his words and immediately felt choked up. He couldn’t see either of his parents
emotional without immediately feeling like he was going to cry and so he turned to face the girls.

“Thanks for coming, I’ve missed you,” he said to the two women standing on the platform. They
moved forwards to embrace him again and James wrapped his arms around them.

“Marlene sent a letter, she’s sorry to miss you,” Lily spoke in a muffled voice where she was
buried in James’ shoulder.

“Did Regulus not come with you?” his mother asked, she was looking around the platform
expectantly.

“No he didn’t. He decided to back to London to wait,” he replied in a strained voice. Effie’s
disappointed face created a new flare of anger in James’ chest. “He wanted to see his uncle, he said
he’d write.”

“I’m just glad you’re all safe,” Effie said with a reassuring smile. “And that means all of you.”
James let go of Mary and Lily at his mother’s curious tone, she was looking at Remus with a small
smile. “I got a letter from Sirius this morning. There’s one for you too,” she said.

“You did? Where is it?” Remus said in alarm, immediately pressing forward to search Effie’s
hands for the precious letter.

“It’s at the house waiting for you. But he is perfectly safe and he sends his love to all of us.”

“Was he there?” James asked.

Effie hesitated but then nodded. “Yes, he was. He said he couldn’t reach the beaches, they were
met by too much resistance, but he’s okay.”

A knot around James’ heart unravelled slightly at those words. He had been convinced that Sirius
was fine, it was impossible that he wasn’t. But the confirmation that he definitely was, it sent a
wave of relief through him that left him quite unable to breath. The news seemed to be having a
similar affect on Remus who visibly slumped, as if all the tension in his muscles had been released
at once.
“I need to-” Remus said with some urgency.

“Go on,” Effie laughed. Remus nodded and quickly sprinted away from the group and towards the
manor, towards his letter. James wrapped an arm around his mother’s shoulder and began walking
off the platform surrounded by his family, the absence of the few members not with them was
stark.
 Chapter 18

Sirius

Sirius tapped furiously on his fuel gauge, it was spiralling wildly between empty and full. He was
sure he had enough left to stay in the air for thirty more minutes, but he wasn’t sure that would be
long enough. He jolted the tiller abruptly to the right, tilting the plane in a wide curve as a bomber
approached rapidly on his tail.

“Fuck!” he shouted. The bomber had mirrored his manoeuvre and there were bullets piercing the
wings and body of his spitfire. He needed to lose the bomber and turn so he’d have a clear shot but
he was stuck just trying to dodge the barrage of bullets beating through his wings. Sirius’ steady
breath created clouds in the cool air as he tried to remain calm and turn this situation around. On
his flank he spotted another spitfire heading his way for some relief. It was still far too high to
catch up and with every second Sirius could feel the shuddering of his plane rapidly falling to
pieces. He tapped his broken fuel gauge again; it was still spinning wildly and he was currently
flying far too low and far too close to London.

The blackouts had done a good job at hiding any distinguishable landmarks and the landscape was
a dark mass spreading out in front of him, the bright stars above were his only guidance. Sirius,
however, knew that the large looming city was only a few short miles in front of him, hiding in
plain sight. The German bomber on his tail would likely see it if they ventured too close. They had
been under constant pressure from the enemy from the air for the past fortnight and Sirius’ nerves
were beginning to fray.

He had been extremely disheartened two months previously when he and a small number of other
RAF servicemen had flown solidly towards France to protect the troops on the beaches of Dunkirk
and were constantly pushed back. He had barrelled through on a dwindling amount of fuel, despite
his need to turn back, but he pressed forwards, successfully shooting down two enemy bombers
over the channel. When his engine started faltering, he resentfully pulled the plane around and
glided most of the way back, a dangerous and reckless choice. He hadn’t quite made it to the
airfield, and he’d had to make an emergency landing in a Kent field.

He’d had to borrow a bike from a nearby farmer to cycle back to the base to request fuel and had
immediately gotten a bollocking from his sergeant for his reckless behaviour.

“We need every man, and every plane for the coming invasion. Now is not the time for
recklessness Black,” the red-faced man had told him.

“Yes sir,” Sirius had dutifully replied. “It’s just my brothers are over there-”

“We all have people we want to protect. I understand the impulse, it’s a fucking disaster what’s
happening, but we cannot risk our air defence. Not now.”

Sirius had bit his lower lip to prevent himself from speaking back. He could feel the rage-fuelled
fury bubbling up inside him. He hated the way the hundreds of thousands of men stranded had
been spoken about as if they were already lost. If he had been back at school the snark would have
come out immediately, his year in the armed forces had effectively stamped out that impulse. Or at
least trained him to not act on it.

Two months on, Sirius was now flying above the English countryside, defending its shores with
scores of other spitfires from daily attacks. The Luftwaffe was coming in strong from the air and
Sirius knew that if they were to fail now, all would be lost. He pulled sharply to the right, soring at
a right angle away from the line towards London and darted his eyes to his mirror to ensure that
the bomber was following him, it was.

He waited until he had made almost a full loop before pulling sharply on the tiller, dragging it with
all his strength as the trembling nose of his aircraft rose directly into the sky. His entire windshield
was covered with stars and Sirius tempered the swirling in his stomach as he continued to pull. His
small plane shuddered and jerked with the pressure of the risky manoeuvre, but he held steady. The
nose of his plane eventually began moving towards the ground as he made a full loop and Sirius
pushed forwards to level out almost directly behind the German bomber. His heart was stuttering in
his chest, and he couldn’t believe he had just pulled that off. He immediately began releasing a
barrage of bullets at the undoubtedly alarmed bomber in front of him. It attempted to swoop to the
right, but Sirius had anticipated it, keeping its engines directly in his crosshairs.

The small orange flicker in the bomber’s engine was Sirius’ first indication that it was done. He
pressed forwards, continuing to shoot bullets into its engines until the flicker turned into an
explosion and its entire left engine blew off, taking the wing with it. The bomber swooped out of
the sky, swirling down towards the fields below as the pilot tried to right itself. Sirius watched as
the plane collided with the earth in a great explosion of fire and smoke. He didn’t feel any joy in
the victory, he imagined himself in that plane, plummeting to the earth with no way out. He took a
deep breath and took stock of his surroundings, the other spitfire was gone, no doubt there were
other dogfights happening over nearby fields, but his fuel tank was still spinning and Sirius
couldn’t rely on his bullet-stricken plane to take on another fight. He studied his compass and
aligned his plane towards the base near Essex where he’d been stationed for the past few months.

As he began his approach, his engine started spluttering and Sirius realised how close to empty his
fuel must be. He eased the plane down as soon as the runway came into view and managed to land
without crashing into the asphalt below. He pulled himself out of the cockpit and climbed down to
the spongy tarmac, stretching his cramped muscles after hours squashed in the cramped space. He
jogged over to the main hanger, and checked in, reporting his plane as out of duty. He had taken
enough damage during the dogfight that it would need some significant repairs.

“How’s it going?” he asked Colleen who was hunched over a desk in the corner of the hanger. The
desk was covered in maps, and she had headphones connected to a radio perched on her head.
Colleen was a member of the WAAF and was tracking the movements of the Luftwaffe as they
approached the shores. Sirius and the other pilots would wait in the hanger until the radar indicated
that the enemy was incoming, ready to sprint to their planes at the first signs of the enemy.

She looked up at him and her red lips straightened into a line, she was clearly concerned.

“We’ve lost ten over Hampshire, the Isle of Wight has been hit and there’s more incoming,” she
said.

“Is there another plane? Mine’s out of action, but I can get back up there,” he said quickly. She
shook her head and looked around the empty hanger.

“No, you’re alright Sirius. Go and rest up, you’ve done your bit this evening.” Sirius nodded and
made his way out of the hanger. He looked up at the clear sky and thought of the long night his
friends had in store. He walked to his sleeping quarters and reclined in his bunk, his muscles aching
from the long nights of the past week. They were doing well, but they had lost a lot of men over
the past few days of attacks. The intensity was increasing, and he felt restless to be back up there
despite his weary bones.

He reached down into the chest under his bed and pulled out the small stack of letters he’d
received from his friends and the Potter’s over the past year and pulled out the most recent one
from Remus. He thumbed the well-worn edges and smiled at the lilting letters across the envelope.
He had read it a hundred times by now, but he never got tired. It was relatively subdued of course,
Remus couldn’t say anything too explicit about the nature of their relationship, but Sirius felt the
love seeping through its lines. He opened the envelope and pulled out the tattered paper.

Sirius,

I received your letter this morning. I just got back from Dover with James, he’s okay. So is
Regulus. I saw them both there at Dunkirk. I know you’ll be mad at me, but it’s done now. I went
down to Dorset and jumped on a boat headed to the beaches. We found James and Regulus and
brought them home with a couple dozen other men. I don’t regret it for a moment, I had to do
something. And if you think of telling me off for it, remember I’m living with the knowledge that
you’re spending your days up in the sky being shot at in a tin can.

Everyone here is well. Effie and Monty are in good spirits, I’m sure she’s filled you in with
everything already. The kids are running wild as usual, it’s a great distraction having them here.
The land girls are settling in well too. I can’t wait for you to meet them, I think you’ll like Hannah
in particular, she’s a dreadful flirt. Lily and Mary send their wishes. Mary spends most of her time
in Bath these days, she’s working as an engineer in an aircraft factory. She might be fixing up the
planes you are flying! Lily’s a bit glum so I’m trying to spend as much time with her as possible. I
can’t blame her; she was all set to move to London and now she’s stuck here. Her sister seems to
be as insufferable as ever.

Marlene has written from London, her work is tough, but she seems to be enjoying it. I’m not
surprised, she never seemed to be the village type. She’s rooming with another nurse who she
dedicates much of her letters describing in great detail. I’m not sure if I should point it out or not.
Hopefully I’ll be able to take a trip in to see her at some point. She’s worried about the next few
months, as we all are. James seems particularly downtrodden; I think he thinks that he has failed in
some way. We’re all scared, particularly for you and Marlene, when the planes arrive, London
will be one of the first places hit. She has reassured me that the house she’s staying in has already
built a shelter in the garden. It should provide some relief but if I’m honest it just makes me more
frightened, thinking of her buried down at the bottom of the lawn like that.

Reg is fine too. He left us in Dover and went back to your uncle’s in London. I know what you’ll say
but I highly doubt he’s going to get into too much trouble while waiting for his posting. He’s grown
up a lot- besides most of the jazz clubs are closed now. I tried to convince him to come back to
Godric’s Hollow but he was insistent. I think James has taken it a bit hard, you know what he’s
like, always wanting to gather people around so he can feel like he’s protecting them.

James sends his love. He regrets that he hasn’t been able to send you a letter or receive one from
you. He said he’d write you too, hopefully it reaches you before you’re moved on somewhere new.
He’s here for a couple of weeks while he awaits his new posting and then he’ll be off again. It’s so
good to have him home but it makes your absence so much more noticeable. I’m thinking of you
every day, up among the stars. Monty is thinking of installing a telephone to the manor. I hope he
does, the thought of hearing your voice would bring me so much comfort in these lonely nights. I
know this next stretch is going to be difficult but I’m thinking of you always. One sunny day, not too
long from now, you’ll be home. My arms are dreadfully cold without you.

Be safe, Sirius. And know that when you look to the moon, I am looking to the stars.

Yours, Remus.

P.s. I have included a photo that Effie gave me. I’m sure it’s not exactly what you were thinking of
when you asked for one, but it made me laugh when I saw it. Hopefully it will make you smile too.

Sirius beamed as he read the letter, he could probably recite it by memory for the amount of times
he had read it. He was waiting desperately for the moment he’d be allowed a few days leave to
head back to Godric’s Hollow to see him. He pulled the photo Remus had sent him out of his breast
pocket and brushed his thumb across the grainy picture. He’d remembered the day they had taken
it exactly. They were fifteen and Marlene had gotten back from visiting her family in Ireland. She
had returned with a bunch of hurleys as gifts and they had spent a boisterous afternoon trying to get
the hang of the new sport.

Sirius remembered how James had called his name, “Sirius look at this!” Sirius had turned to
witness James throw the ball into the air, swing his hurley with all his might, entirely miss the ball
and smack Remus right in the face. Remus nearly broke his nose, and it had bled profusely. By the
end of the afternoon, Sirius had taken an almighty hit to the shin, and he in turn had accidentally
smashed James in the face with his own hurley. They had limped back to the manor and Effie had
quickly confiscated the sticks but not before taking a picture of their sorry states.

Sirius looked at the picture now, the three boys grinning with their arms around each other. Remus
had blood covering his face, James had the beginnings of an impressive black eye, and Sirius was
using a hurley as a make-shift crutch. But they were all smiling, flushed and happy. Sirius laughed
when he saw it, remembering the cheerful and unfortunately violent day.

He wished he could have been there when James got back from France, he must have already been
back at training by now. Sirius frowned as he thought of the letter he had received from James a
couple of months ago at the same time he’d received Remus’.

He’d been so pleased to see James’ handwriting on the envelope, communication had been so
sparse due to his deployment on the continent. He had ripped it open and proceeded to pale when
he read the contents. Peter’s death had come as a shock. Sirius felt extremely guilty, he hadn’t sent
him a letter in months. It hadn’t really occurred to Sirius that Peter could die, he was always such a
steady presence in their lives. The grief of hearing about his passing had only slightly cushioned
the other news James had decided to deliver at the end of the letter. He reached into his trunk and
pulled out the brown envelope, frowning at it. He still couldn’t quite believe what he’d read and so
he pulled it out to read again.

Sirius,

I’m sorry I haven’t written sooner. I’ve just got back from France. It was a nasty business, and I’m
glad to be home. I was posted in Holland with Peter, we were pushed down through Belgium and
ended up on the beaches. Remus came and got us, can you believe it! I wanted to box him around
the ears for taking the risk, but never have I seen a more welcome sight. All eyes are on the skies
now, and I’m thinking of you constantly. I hope you’re keeping well and you’re not in the line of
fire too much. I heard that you were at Dunkirk, I had wished you weren’t, I can’t bear thinking of
what might happen.

We’re all safe here. I have some unfortunate news though. Peter was killed at Dunkirk. He was
shot from a bomber, I tried to save him, but our transport was hit by a u-bomb. We weren’t able to
take his body home, he’s still there in France. Do you remember that time at school when we
rowed the boat out to the middle of the great lake in the middle of the night? Peter was so terrified
we’d be caught. You’d stolen a bottle of port from McGonagall and we’d gotten so drunk that you
fell in? Poor Peter had to row us back to shore after dragging you out of the water. He was so
mad, I can still remember his red face. How old were we? Thirteen I think. I always
underestimated him, but he was the one who got us out of our most troublesome scrapes.
Dad said he’s going to install a telephone. I hope he does, but I’ll probably be up in Suffolk at the
training grounds by then. I’ll write to you when I can. Stay safe Sirius, we’re all thinking of you.

Your brother,

James

P.S. I slept with Regulus. A lot. Last summer and through training. Pretty much until we got
deployed. We did it in that wheat field down past the swimming lake during a thunderstorm- sorry
don’t know why I’m telling you that. Anyway, it’s over now but I didn’t want to keep it from you.
Sorry.

Sirius remembered how he had felt like he was going to be sick reading those last few lines. The
dual shock of losing Peter and the news that James and Regulus were shagging left him quite faint.
He frowned at the words again, trying to make sense of them. He hadn’t realised James liked men,
but if he did, why on earth would he shag Regulus of all people? It was basically incest for fucks
sake. James was lucky that he wasn’t in arms reach of Sirius when he told him, he was sure he
would have punched him straight in the nose. And fucking Regulus, of course he would go and
seduce Sirius’ best friend. Just like him to take one of the most important things in Sirius’ world
for himself.

Sirius felt that familiar anger rise in him at the thought of them together. And why did James have
to include the detail about the field? Now it was all he could bloody think about. He also didn’t
know what to make of the last line, it was over? Despite Sirius’ discomfort with the idea, he
couldn’t help but feel a surge of protectiveness over James. He knew him well enough to know he
didn’t do things lightly, and there was almost certainly more to the story. He had scribbled a quick
note back to James upon receiving his letter, still in a state of disbelief as he wrote.

James,

I’m so sorry to hear about Peter, he was a good man. I do remember that day- we were thirteen I
think. He was always so much braver than anyone gave him credit for. I can’t quite imagine a
world in which he’s not there to temper our bad ideas. Although let’s be honest, he came up with
his fair share of stupid plans. It was his idea to dress as women so we could sneak into the girls’
school. I think those girls had it in for us from the start, telling us the wrong window to climb in-
do you remember how we’d ended up clambering into the window of their school matron? I never
want to run in heels again, nearly broke my ankle. I hope that I will be able to see you soon and we
can pour one out for him. And while I’m at it I can break your nose for shagging my brother! What
on earth compelled you to do that? He’s a snot nosed little git! I’ll write again soon but I am
expecting more of explanation that that bloody sentence.

Yours (but on thin ice),

Sirius

He hadn’t heard back from James yet, but that wasn’t unusual. Post was slow and Sirius knew that
James was likely in the midst of intense training. It often took weeks for letters to be received due
to the rigorous hoops they had to go through to make sure they weren’t accidentally spilling secrets
that could be intercepted. He was desperate to talk to James, to make sense of the confusing
footnote.

The next few days were brutal, Sirius was in the air constantly for hours at a time as the
bombardment continued. He witnessed at least three spitfires shot down, and the Luftwaffe kept
coming. It was the most intense fighting that had taken place since the start of the war, and Sirius
knew that each day was decisive in the success of defending the small island from invasion.

After a full week of the onslaught, the daily dogfights began easing as the enemy appeared to
realise they were outgunned by the RAF. It didn’t ease Sirius’ tension much however, as he knew
that there would be more to come. He’d received a short letter from Monty letting him know that
their phone had been installed and with instructions on how to call on the same morning that
London received its first direct attack.

He had immediately run to the nearest phone box and dialled in the number of the manor, desperate
to hear the familiar voices of his family. He was practically vibrating with nerves at the thought
that he might hear Remus’ voice after so many months away. He dialled the number that Monty
had sent and waited as the line connected.

“Hello?” Sirius spoke into the receiver, there was nothing but static and silence at the other end.
“Hello?” he repeated.

“Hello? Who’s that?” a tinny voice echoed from the other end.

“It’s Sirius, is that you Effie?”

“Sirius! My word it’s good to hear your voice,” Effie’s faint voice crackled through the telephone.
“How are you dear?”

“I’m well. It’s been a tough few weeks but we got through it.”

“Yes, we’ve been listening to the wireless. I can’t believe what’s been happening. They’ve started
bombing London.”

Sirius grimaced at the reminder. “Yes, they have. But we’re keeping strong Effie, don’t you worry
about that.”

“Oh Sirius, I do wish you weren’t out there, I worry about- yes one moment!” Effie got distracted
by some muffled noises at the other end of the line. “Sirius dear, please write when you can, but
Remus is quite impatient to talk to you, so I better put him on.” Sirius’ heart leapt in relief at the
knowledge that Remus was right there at the other end of the line.

“Yes please. And I will, send my wishes to Monty. Love you.”

“Love you too dear,” Effie said before her voice drifted away.

“Sirius?” Remus urgent voice carried across the crackly line clear and vital. Sirius opened his
mouth and found that he was unable to speak, too overwhelmed with the familiar voice at the end
of the line. “Sirius are you there? MONTY! I think there’s something wrong with the telephone!
Sirius?” Remus’ voice became increasingly desperate.

“Moony?” Sirius eventually managed to croak out.

“Yes! Sirius it’s me, can you hear me?”

“Yes, Moony I can hear you. Oh god, I can hear you just fine.” Sirius’ eyes immediately began
filling with tears and all the dreadful homesickness he had buried down with duty and dogfights
began spilling out at the sound of the other man’s voice.

“Are you okay? It’s so good to hear your voice,” Remus’ voice was similarly cracked with
emotion.

“Yes I’m just fine. How are you? I received your letters; I can’t wait to see you again.”

“Me too, when will you be home?” Remus asked.

“Soon I think. The bombardments have eased, but they’re expecting more. London has already
been hit a few times I suppose you heard?”

“Yes, I did- do you think there’ll be more?”

“Almost certainly. My sergeant is giving me four days leave. I might have to return earlier but I’m
coming home Moony.”

“Oh god, when?” Remus’ voice was full of hope at the news that Sirius would be returning.

“In a few days. I have another objective I’m to take part in. I can’t say much on the telephone- they
don’t know how secure it is. I’ll be flying to the continent but will be back in a couple of days.”

“Thank god, I need to see you. I’ve been at my wits end here without you.”

“Me too. Moony I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you Sirius,” Remus said in a soft voice. Sirius smiled at the words and nodded, despite
Remus not being able to see. He darted his eyes around to make sure nobody was eavesdropping.

“I love you too Moony. I’ll see you in a few days.”

“I can’t wait.”

“Oh Remus, before I go,” Sirius quickly added before he hung up the phone.

“Yes?”

“Did you know James was shagging my brother?”

“He was what?” Remus’ alarmed voice conveyed the shock that this was clearly new information
to him.

“Yes! In the fucking fields!”

“Sirius it’s not like we haven’t-”

“Not the point Moony! My brother and James! It’s incest!”

“No it’s not,” Remus replied in a measured voice.

“Well it fucking feels like it,” Sirius’ indignation was clearly evident in his tone as he heard Remus
chuckle from down the line.

“I didn’t see that coming- I thought…” Remus said before trailing off.

“Thought what?”

“Oh nothing. Let’s talk about it when you’re back.”

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Sirius hung up the phone and rested his head against the cool metal of the phone box. He sighed
out a breath of relief, tension releasing from every pore from the sound of Remus’ voice. He would
see him soon, even for only a few days. He would be back in his arms again, back in his bed, home.
 Chapter 19
Chapter Notes

CW: some sexual content. There is also an apparent main character death. Also Lily’s
family continues to be awful so cw for body-shaming.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Lily

Lily laughed as she collected the small pile of daisies that Elizabeth and Emily had gathered from
the flowerbed. She was sure they didn’t realise that digging up half of Effie’s border to make her a
bouquet wouldn’t exactly be the pleasant gesture they seemed to think it would be, but it was done
now.

“Do you have any ribbon,” she asked the young girls. “We can tie them together to make them look
nice for Mrs Potter.” The girls started chattering animatedly before running into the manor on their
hunt for ribbon. Lily took a daisy from the bunch and tucked it behind her ear. She leaned back on
her elbows and looked across the land of the Potter manor, down towards the crop fields. She
could make out Pandora, James and Remus pulling up carrots. James and Remus each had a young
boy clinging to their backs like rucksacks as they got on with their work. Lily breathed in the cool
summer air and allowed herself to bask in the warm sun. James had been back for less than a week
and was due to head back up to Suffolk in only a few days, but the relief of having him home was
palpable. Lily could see it in Remus, in the Potters, even the children who didn’t know James
seemed to be picking up on the sunny presence at the manor.

She had been coming down to the manor at every opportunity. She would help Remus on the farm,
or Bertie in the kitchens, anything to feel useful. With Mary and Marlene gone, she found herself
very alone in Godric’s Hollow. Remus was her saving grace, as he always had been. He hardly
knew the impact he’d had on the three girls as they were growing up. He’d lumber around after
them, listening to their chatter, dutifully playing along with their girlish games, and unknowingly
protecting them from the mean stares of the other boys in the village.

After the girls had come clambering back to her laden down with ribbons, she helped them tie the
daisies into a rather lopsided bouquet and sent them on their way to deliver the present to Effie.
The sun was beginning to wane, and she knew that it was time she head home. She stood from the
lawn and dusted herself off, looking across to where James and Remus were laughing in the fields,
Remus looked up and spotted her standing, she waved at him to say goodbye. He quickly deposited
the boy on his back on the ground and began jogging up towards her.

“You off?” he said when he finally made it to her, squinting into the sun.

“Yes, got to get back,” she replied.

“Wait here, I’ve got some vegetables for you,” he said before darting off towards the kitchen. He
returned a few moments later with a large cotton bag, overloaded with vegetables and one of
Bertie’s fruitcakes.

“That’s too much, I can’t take it Remus,” she said.

“Yes you can, I’ll throw it in the lake if you don’t.”

Lily rolled her eyes but dutifully took the bag. “Thanks Moony,” she said. He grinned at her, he
had been doing that more since James had returned. There was still a sadness in his eyes and Lily
knew that he was missing Sirius, but he looked more alive than he had in months with James home.

After saying goodbye, Lily made her way through the winding country lanes towards the village
with the bag of vegetables on her shoulder. They really were appreciated, rationing was making
things difficult, and with her mother insisting on feeding bloody Vernon every time he came over,
despite him having his own rations to draw from, they really could do with the extra. Lily knew
she was lucky, the Potter’s were incredibly generous, and from what she heard from Marlene,
things were much more difficult in the cities. Lily couldn’t help but think of the next time she
could have a bacon sandwich, she had never even particularly liked bacon before, but the sudden
inability to acquire meat had her dreaming of it. She had been eyeing up Norman the pig earlier in
the day and James had looked like he might have cried when she asked when they were going to
butcher him. Lily was glad that despite what he’d just been through he apparently still had that
same bleeding heart.

Lily made her way into small flat above the tailors and was immediately greeted by the smell of
cabbage soup. The flat was full of steam and was incredibly warm thanks to the long hot days.

“Lily there you are. Sarah came by earlier, she needs her dress taken in,” Petunia said from where
she was lounged across the settee in the small front room.

“Couldn’t you do it?” Lily said.

“She asked for you,” Petunia replied shortly. Sure she did, Lily thought. More like Petunia couldn’t
be bothered to lift a finger. It was like she was completely unaware that there was even a war going
on sometimes, still as self-interested as ever.

“Hi dad,” Lily said before leaning down to kiss her father on the cheek.

“Hi sweetie,” her father replied, not removing his eyes from the paper he was reading. Lily made
her way into the kitchen where her mother stood over a steaming pot of soup and deposited the
vegetables on the table. “From the Potters.”

“Mmm, and what’ll they be wanting for that?” her mother replied.

“Nothing, they never ask for anything in return,” Lily said. She had been home five minutes and
was already feeling irritable.

“It’s like they think we don’t have enough, we’re not paupers,” her mum said.

“We don’t have enough. Nobody has enough, there’s a bloody war going on,” Lily said. Her
mother hummed under her breath; she clearly wasn’t so committed to her dissatisfaction to turn
away the free food. Her mother began laying the table and pouring ladles of soup into the small
bowls, Lily noticed that her bowl was half full. She picked up her bowl and brought it over to the
stovetop, picking up the ladle to fill it up further.

“That’s enough, you hardly need more,” her mother said. Lily felt that familiar cool prickle of
anger racing down her spine at her mother’s words. She had been dealing with comments like that
since she could remember. One of her first memories as a toddler was of her mother shrilly telling
her to suck in her stomach. She must have been four years old. Lily rolled her eyes and tried to let it
wash off her. It was cabbage soup, they had enough for a full bowl each and Lily was not about to
be bullied.

She sat down at the table and stared into the soup as her family joined her round the table. Petunia
was rabbiting on about something Vernon had done at the factory he was working at. He hadn’t
signed up of course, claimed that he had religious objections. It was crap and they all knew it, he
was just a coward. Lily would have given her right arm for James, Sirius, or Regulus to claim the
same, so they didn’t have to go, but coming from Vernon she felt nothing but disgust.

“That Potter boy is back at the manor?” her mother’s voice cut through Petunia’s shrill warbling
and Lily realised she was being addressed.

“Yeah, he’s on leave for a few weeks. Got evacuated at Dunkirk,” she replied.

“He’s such a nice boy. And brave too, if you shaped up you could attract his attention,” her mother
said. Lily sighed, she had been hearing this for years and she was frankly sick of it. She looked up
and saw Petunia’s pinched face glaring at her.

“He’s such a goof. But I suppose if you went easy on the potatoes he might notice you” she said.
Lily knew that she was jealous, the idea that Lily might even have a chance with a tall, athletic
bloke like James was entirely disagreeable to her self-important image. ‘He notices me, and he
looks at me like he wants to eat me alive,’ she wanted to bite out, but she held her tongue and
averted her eyes back down to her dinner. Her father was silent, still reading the paper, and taking
no notice of the conversation around him. That was always his biggest flaw. He was never mean,
but he was just so absent, even when he was sitting right there.

“I’m going to bed,” Lily said after a moment. Rising to wash her bowl and retreating to her
bedroom where she’d draw for the rest of the evening.

Lily spent the next day in the tailors, dutifully making the small alterations and repairs that were
about all people were able to afford now. Long gone were the days where Lily would spend her
free time happily designing new dresses, there was no fabric or money to be spared. She thought
longingly about the dressmaking course in London that had seemed so close before the world fell
apart. She often thought about it, not just of the opportunities it would have provided, but the life
she could have been living. Her and Regulus in a flat together in London, drinking at hidden clubs
in Soho and visiting the theatre whenever they wanted. She often thought about Regulus and felt
incredibly guilty for feeling sorry for herself. He had sent her a letter before he had been deployed
to France, but she hadn’t heard from him since. James assured her that he was fine and alive, and
she hoped he would write soon.

Once she was done with her work for the day, the afternoon sun was casting long shadows across
the green village square. She decided to take a walk up to the large hill behind the village and
enjoy the solitude for a while before heading home. She trudged up the hill, casting a look towards
Marlene’s empty cottage before clambering up the steep slope. She approached the peak and was
stopped in her tracks when she spotted a lone figure sitting on the edge of the hill. James was sat
with his back to her, his arms wrapped around his legs and looking out across the countryside in
front of him.

Lily hesitated and thought about turning back. She had come up here to get some alone time, and
he had clearly done the same. She was about to turn and leave when her foot crunched a stick
beneath her. James turned and started when he spotted her standing there. Great, she must look like
a creep standing behind him in the bushes.

“Oh hi James,” she said quickly. “I didn’t know you were here, I can go.”
“No! Lily come join me,” he said quickly. Lily nodded and made her way over to him, sitting
awkwardly by his side.

“What are you doing up here?” she asked, immediately cringing at the stupid question.

“Just wanted some fresh air. It’s very beautiful here,” he replied almost instantaneously. Lily
watched his face; it was sombre and he looked like he had aged in the months he had been gone.
He still hadn’t shaved the light beard that covered his jaw and Lily had to admit that it suited him.
He turned to look at her, and his eyes sparkled as he grinned. Lily saw the switch though, from the
sad, contemplative expression to that bright smile, he was hiding his sorrow as he always did.

“How are you Lils? We haven’t had a chance to properly talk since I’ve been back.”

“Oh, I’m okay,” she said. She began plucking pieces of grass absentmindedly and squinted into the
horizon. “Nothing to complain about.”

“Remus says you’ve been a bit down, its to be expected. I’m sorry that you’re stuck here,” he said
it with such earnestness that Lily was quite taken aback. After everything he had been through, he
still had the open heart to empathise with her pathetic troubles. James had always had that uncanny
ability to see straight through her, to look her straight in the eye and actually take notice.

“It’s alright, really it is,” she said. “I missed you, all of you.”

James’ smile softened and he watched her with that focused gaze, “I missed you too Lily.”

“Is Regulus okay? He hasn’t written yet,” Lily asked. She could feel James tense beside her at the
words and she watched him curiously as he darted his eyes away and down to the fields below.

“Oh he’s fine,” he said, not elaborating any further. Lily bristled and quickly understood that he
didn’t want to speak about Regulus. She quickly changed the subject, afraid that she had touched a
nerve.

“And Sirius? Remus said he wrote.”

“Yeah he did, he’s fine too. Got pushed back at Dunkirk and it looks like the next battle will be in
the skies. I’m… I’m worried for him,” he said in a small voice. Lily nodded and placed a
reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“I’ve never met a man more determined to survive than Sirius Black, he’ll be just fine.”

James huffed a laugh. “You’re right about that. How’s the family anyway? Petunia still a cow?”

“James!” Lily couldn’t help but laugh, he simply shrugged and joined her laughter.

“What? She is!”

“Yes, I suppose you’re not wrong,” Lily continued to chuckle. She was glad that she had joined
him, just the few short minutes in James’ presence and she already felt lighter.

They sat together for a while longer, watching the pink and orange sky cast long shadows across
the green landscape below. “C’mon, I think we missed dinner, but we can probably rustle
something up from the manor’s pantry,” James said, pulling Lily to her feet. Lily bit her lip and
looked down towards the village, she should probably go home, but it wasn’t like she never spent
evenings away at the manor, and it would be a welcome respite from her family.
“Sounds great,” she said and was glad she had when James’ smile grew wider in response.

They walked towards the manor through the dusky evening light. Lily couldn’t help but notice the
reserved attitude emanating from James now, it felt quite at odds with the arrogant, boisterous boy
she used to know. Although if she were being fair, his arrogance could probably be better described
as earned confidence. Although he stood tall, shoulders back, with those same long strides, there
was a quietness to him that hadn’t been there before. It no longer seemed like his muscles were
eternally tensed, ready to pounce at any moment, the jittery movements of his hands had calmed
and he walked with a quiet grace. Whether it was his experiences in the war, or just getting older,
Lily didn’t know. Maybe he’d always had this side of him and Lily had just never noticed. The
glittering lights of the manor twinkled in the far distance as they approached the swimming lake.

“I need to come up and take a swim someday, the days are getting so hot again,” she said as a way
of making conversation. James murmured his agreement beside her. He suddenly stopped and his
eyes flickered to the small lake, a mischievous grin tugged at the corner of his mouth. Ah there he
is, Lily thought, there’s the playful James Potter I know.

“Shall we?” he said, his eyes sparkling. Lily couldn’t help but feel the wave of excitement that was
so infectious when James had come up with a plot. No wonder the boys got into so much trouble
with James at their helm. She looked at the lake and thought about the cabbage soup and sour faces
waiting at home. Fuck it, she though.

“Why not?” James’ teeth glinted in the moonlight with the wide grin he was sending her way. He
jogged down to the water’s edge and quickly began pulling off his shoes and socks, he tugged off
his shirt, leaving just his undershirt and a long chain around his neck. He paused for a moment and
touched the chain, a pendant was hanging from it, although it was too dark for Lily to make out
any details. He removed the chain and carefully laid it on top of his shirt before reaching over his
head and pulling off his undershirt. He turned and presented Lily with that bright smile and Lily
felt her breath leave her lungs.

“C’mon then,” he said. Lily hadn’t really thought this through, but she was too far in now to turn
back. She confidently approached the edge of the lake, standing next to James and unzipped the
back of her pencil skirt. She stared directly out at the water and tried to hide her blush as she
stepped out of it and began unbuttoning her blouse. When she was standing in just her slip, she
wrapped her arms around herself and felt the cool goosebumps prickle along her skin.

Her breath was incredibly loud in the tense silence and James had turned away slightly while
undoing his trousers. She looked down at her flimsy silk slip and bit her lip. She had made it
herself, and the fabric was incredibly expensive. She had saved every penny for months to buy the
silk for it and she hadn’t thought this through at all. James seemed to notice her hesitation, his
movements had slowed besides her.

“It’s okay, probably a silly idea,” he said in a kind voice. Lily looked up at him, his brown skin
glistening in the moonlight, standing in front of her in nothing but a pair of boxers and a kind smile.
What was she so worried about? She needed to start living, needed to stop not doing things she
wanted just because she was scared. She shook her head and in one brazen movement lifted the slip
over her head and threw it on top of the rest of her clothes. James spluttered besides her, and she
quickly realised she had given him more of a show than he was probably expecting. He darted his
head away, staring directly into the sky, with pink cheeks. Lily felt her own face heat up and she
decided that this awkward encounter needed to end. She ran straight into the water until she was up
to her thighs and then dove into the still lake. She felt the cool water kiss her skin with each stroke,
and the bracing softness quickly overtook her. She stretched her arms into the dark depths and
propelled herself forwards. She breached the top of the water and began paddling, turning to face
James who was still stood at the edge of the lake. He was watching her swim and Lily recognised a
flicker of apprehension cross his face. She laughed and splashed towards him.

“Get in then!” she called out. James seemed to break out of his thoughts and stepped forward
towards the edge. He looked down and as a last minute decision tugged down his boxers until he
was as exposed as she was. Lily gasped, quite unprepared for the sight. James’ eyes quickly
glanced up to meet her’s, he was searching her face, seemingly asking if it was too much. Lily
smiled at him reassuringly and he stepped tentatively towards the water. Lily couldn’t help it when
her eyes flicked downwards, across the wide chest and soft hair that travelled down his firm
stomach towards his penis. Lily held her breath as she took it in, his body moving towards hers and
slowly becoming engulfed in water. James dove forwards and swam out towards the centre of the
lake where she was paddling.

“Hello,” he said with a nervous laugh.

“Hello,” she replied. The events of the past few minutes had all unfolded so quickly, she hadn’t
had time to really consider how awkward this would be. She didn’t feel shy however, she trusted
James completely. A long stretch of silence passed between them as they looked at each other,
bobbing up and down in the dark lake. Lily swooped her arm round in a wide circle and engulfed
James in a cascade of water in an effort to break the tension.

“Hey!” he cried with laughter before splashing her back. She shrieked and dove under the water,
using her legs to propel herself away. She bobbed up a few meters away and used both hands to
send a wave of water his direction. James laughed heartily and floated on his back, kicking his legs
to consume her in a surge of water. She shrieked with laughter, and they chased each other around
the lake, Lily was more skilled at diving below the surface and appearing behind James, resulting
in satisfying squeals from the man.

Lily propelled herself to the bottom of the lake feeling along its stony surface before using her legs
to kick off the ground and appear right behind James, showering him in lake water. She twisted
around and began kicking away as James grabbed hold of her waist keeping her from escaping. He
used his free hand to swoop water across her back, and she twisted in his arms, suddenly finding
herself pressed against him. He seemed to realise their closeness at the same moment Lily did,
immediately releasing his hold of her. Their legs were still entangled beneath the shimmering
surface and Lily could feel James pressed against her. She was curious, she realised, and a thrill of
excitement trickled down her body. James’ wide eyes watched her and he ran a hand through his
hair, clearly at a loss for words.

Lily, entirely on instinct, moved forwards and kissed James, wrapping her arms around his strong
back and pressing herself towards him. She felt like she had been shocked at the first contact of
their lips, quite unable to believe her own action. She jolted back and watched him with scared
eyes. They remained like that for a moment longer, paddling in the centre of the lake, and entirely
silent, the tension unbearable. Lily was just about ready to flee the lake and never see him again
when James launched himself forwards, wrapping his arms around her body and kissing her
deeply.

Lily let herself ease into the kiss, feeling his firm grip dig into her soft hips and she decided that
yes, for once she was going just say yes to what she wanted. She returned the kiss with equal
enthusiasm, wrapping her legs around his in the water, his soft hairs tickled her skin and his hard
member pressed against hip. Her stomach somersaulted at the feeling, she was so overwhelmed
with exhilarating desire. She reached a hand down and took hold of him beneath the water, James
groaned against her mouth and pressed himself further into her hold. He raised a tentative hand
towards her breasts, and looked at her in the eye, hesitating before moving further. Lily nodded,
desperate for his touch and he groaned as his hands caressed her breasts.

Their bodies were so wrapped up in each other, Lily wasn’t sure where she stopped and James
began. James teased her mouth open with his tongue, the water of the lake kept splashing over her
face as they bobbed awkwardly in the water.

“Let’s get out,” James said in a low and husky voice. Lily couldn’t find her own voice, and simply
nodded. They swam to the edge, until they found their footing on the stony ground and padded out
of the water. As soon as Lily made it to the bank, she turned and wrapped herself around James
once more. He groaned again and lowered her onto the soft grassy bank, perched above her. His
hungry gaze scanned her body and Lily allowed herself to do the same. She clutched a hand around
his penis and stroked firmly. She was intoxicated by the way his eyes fluttered closed at her soft
touch and she knew with certainty that she wanted him.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked in a shaky voice, his wide eyes scanning hers in that exposing
way only he was ever able to do. She nodded again, determined with her choice.

“Please,” she reached a hand towards her groin and began stroking, desperate for some contact.

“Oh my god,” James moaned, dropping his head to her shoulder at the sight. They pressed their
bodies together and Lily wrapped her legs around James’ hips as he finally entered her. She looked
up at the stars, hands clutching into James’ hair with each glorious movement. James was groaning
loudly, thrusting forwards, Lily was quite sure it was the best sound she’d ever heard. She caressed
her hands down the planes of his back towards his backside, encouraging his thrusting and let out
an unholy wail when his hand moved between them to rub her. Lily let herself drift away and she
became lost in the sensation of James against her skin, his mouth kissing her neck and the glorious
sounds he was making. James eventually cried out in relief and collapsed against her, his chest
heaving and skin still dripping wet. Lily held onto him tightly, she caressed his back and watched
the stars blink down at them while she tried to catch her breath.

James eventually lifted himself up slightly, catching her eye. There was an intimacy, a love so clear
in his gaze, but also that same sadness that he had brought home from France. Lily brushed a hand
down the side of his face, he closed his eyes and leaned into her touch.

“Thank you James,” she said.

Lily awoke the next morning in the hideaway, naked and covered in a rough blanket. She was lying
on the floor on top of another blanket and surrounded by an assortment of cushions. James was
pressed up behind her, his arms still clutching around her waist. Her heart immediately began
thumping and she buried her red face into her pillow. It was like waking up after a night at the pub,
except she hadn’t been drinking, she had been stone cold sober. It was quite unbelievable. She felt
James stir behind her and she tensed as she waited for him to pull away with alarm and regret.
Instead, she felt his soft kisses travel from her nape down to her shoulder, and James’ arms tighten
around her body.

Lily turned in James’ arms and at looked him, his sleepy eyes were droopy in the dusty morning
sunlight and he had a small smile on his face.

“Morning,” she said in a small voice.

“Morning,” he replied.
“So…”

“So…” James repeated. They both immediately burst into laughter and Lily buried her face into
James’ shoulder. “How are you?” he asked.

“I feel great,” she replied, she felt his arms tighten around her in response. “How are you?”

“Great,” he replied. Lily looked up and met his eye. He was watching her with such adoration, but
she could see that same flicker of sadness in his eyes that she had noticed the night before.

“Are you really?” she asked again. He nodded firmly, but the question seemed to unravel
something in him. He bit his bottom lip which had begun to quiver. He pushed forwards and met
her with a firm kiss. “James… somethings not right with you,” she said as he pulled away.

“I’m great, really Lily. That was a dream come true.”

Lily clenched her mouth and looked at him, really looked at him. He was holding something back,
some deep sadness that he was clearly trying to keep from her. She had a sudden glimmer of
understanding, but it was nothing more than a hunch.

“An old dream?” she said in a quiet voice. His eyes shifted to something between confusion and
agreement. “There’s someone else now isn’t there?” As soon as the words left her mouth, she new
it was true, and she knew who it was. The way James tensed in her arms, his mouth opening
slightly in disbelief was all the confirmation she needed. She was slightly surprised that she didn’t
feel regretful, or sad, about the fact. She knew that she wouldn’t have changed a thing.

“I… there was” he managed to stutter after a moment.

“Regulus?” Lily asked. James’ shock was evident and he sat up suddenly, Lily sat up too, gathering
the blanket around herself.

“Oh god, I’m sorry Lily,” he said, covering his face with his hands.

“Shh… it’s okay James. You’ve done nothing wrong. What happened?”

James looked up at her, his eyes filling with tears and his jaw trembling. He opened his mouth as if
to say something but suddenly overcome with a desperate sob. The sob turned into two and within
seconds he was shaking with tears, he brought his knees up and curled into himself as the heaving
weeping overcame him. Lily launched forwards and wrapped her arms around him, soothing him
with soft words and stroking his hair.

“You’re in love with him aren’t you?” she said. James simply nodded though his tears. “And he’s
in love with you,” she added. It wasn’t a question; it was a statement. She had known it deep down.
From the moment months ago in the club, when Regulus had so accurately described the dimples
at the base of James’ back Lily knew it, she just hadn’t quite put the pieces together until now.

“No,” he said, surprising her. “He doesn’t. He never said it back. He… well its why he didn’t
come home. He ended it,” James said, his voice still small and uncharacteristically weak.

Lily continued to stroke his hair as James leaned into her embrace and she frowned, trying to make
sense of it all. “That’s not true,” she said finally.

“It is. He found a bloke in France and he threw me away.”

“No,” Lily said again. James looked up at her, surprised by her steadfast denial of what he was
telling her.

“What do you mean no?”

“Well, it’s not like I’ve known him very long, but we were close. And I know enough about Reg
and those Black brothers to know they’re a pair of self-sabotaging fools,” she said. “If Regulus
ended things… well he would have had some pea-brained self-sacrificing logic behind it. He
wouldn’t have wanted you to suffer… yes that’s it. He would have wanted you to do exactly this,
come home, find a girl, so you didn’t have to suffer the indignity of being with him, or losing him.”

“It wasn’t an indignity,” James said firmly.

“Yes of course, but that’s how he’d have seen it. After everything you went through over there. He
would have seen it as saving you, protecting your heart. Because he does love you. That’s
obvious.”

“No it’s not.”

“It is, and I saw it in him, even if I didn’t recognise it for what it was at the time.”

James gazed up at her, tears in his eyes and wonder in his expression. “I’ve never deserved you
Lily,” he said.

“You deserve exactly what you need, which isn’t me,” she replied. “And so do I. Which is to have
the most amazing friend, and the most incredible evening, and the courage to finally make choices
for myself. You gave me that James.”

James inhaled sharply and pressed his face into Lily’s chest, embracing her tightly. Lily felt her
own eyes begin to swim with tears.

“I love you Lily,” he said. “That was never a lie.”

“I know. And I love you too James,” she said. “In another life, I think we’d have been very happy
together.” She reached and took his face in her hand, stroking along his jaw before leaning
forwards to place a chaste kiss against his lips. His eyes fluttered shut and he let out a long breath
as she pulled away.

“Have faith James. You’ll find your way back to him.” James watched her with astonishment as she
stood up and pulled on her clothes, suddenly feeling very exposed in the cool shed. She slipped on
her shoes and shook out her hair before making her way to the door. She turned only for a moment
to see James looking at her from their makeshift bed, his lower half draped in the blanket. She
allowed herself one last look at the handsome man, and turned away, closing the door behind her.

She took a deep steadying breath as she stood outside the shed and felt the sudden wall of emotion
hitting her. She wiped her face, which was wet with tears and braced herself against the cool
morning breeze. As she crept around the edge of the treeline towards the road, she spotted Remus
trudging across the field, a shovel perched on his shoulder. She swore under her breath as he
spotted her and stopped, waving genially at her across the field. She waved back and smiled tightly
before hurrying off towards the road. A flicker of confusion crossed Remus’ face which quickly
turned to surprise as he looked towards the shed from which James was now emerging. Lily’s face
was burning and she began jogging away towards the village.

James left a few days after their night at the lake. Lily had gone to the platform to see him off,
determined to show him there were no hard feelings. Which there weren’t. Lily was grateful to
James, he had provided her with the space to take a risk without realising he was doing it. She was
now surer than ever that she had to carve her own place in the world, she wouldn’t mope around
the village feeling sorry for herself anymore. She was going to take chances and find something
useful to do. Marlene had become a nurse in London, Mary was building planes in Bath, she could
find her own path in this frightening world. And it was James who had helped her realise that. She
held him tight and kissed him on the cheek. “Good luck, James” she had whispered before he had
disappeared into the train and slid away from Godric’s Hollow once again.

Lily spent the next few weeks travelling into Bath and to the surrounding villages, gathering as
much scrap materials as she could get her hands on. Old tablecloths and curtains, anything that
people were willing to spare. She gathered her materials together and began working. She stayed
up late into the nights, the whirring of her sewing machine the only noise in the dim tailor’s shop,
only stopping when her eyes became sore. She still went down to the Potter’s and helped distract
the kids from bothering Remus, who had rather tactfully not pressed her for information about her
morning flight from the hideaway.

Once she had run through all of the materials she had collected, she gathered the new garments
into a large bag and taken a bus into Bath. She stepped onto the busy streets and oriented herself,
trying to find the building she had never stepped foot in before. She should have probably brought
Remus, but she knew it was probably too sore a subject and she didn’t want to burden him. She
hurried through the cobbled streets before finding herself in front of the modest Synagogue she
knew was also being used as a centre for refugees from the continent. She took a deep breath and
walked in, laden with her wares and ready to make more.

Lily continued delivering clothes to the Synagogue and quickly found that they were in need of
more than just clothes, but also food, toiletries and toys for the children. She would rise early and
knock on doors that she had already knocked on a dozen times before, asking for a little more. The
Potter’s were particularly generous, and Lily wasn’t about to let them not be. Their large house and
extensive land meant they surely had more than they needed, and they readily filled her arms with
vegetables, clothes, and old books and toys the children weren’t using. Lily felt that she had finally
found some purpose for herself, she was finally contributing in the way her friends had all so easily
slipped into.

Towards the end of the summer, she made her way over to the Potter’s house, Remus had invited
her for dinner. She was a regular guest these days and relished any opportunity to avoid spending
time at home. She strolled into their bright drawing room to find Remus and Effie lounging
together on the sofa, each of them reading a book. Monty was sat at his writing desk in the corner,
focused on some letters.

“Lily!” Remus’ smile was wider and brighter than she’d seen in months.

“Hi Remus, you’re in a good mood.”

“I am, I had a telephone call with Sirius,” he said, blurting out the news as if he had been dying to
share it with her.

“Oh that’s great! When? How is he?”

“A couple of days ago, he rang the house. Monty installed a phone. He’s good, he’s coming for a
visit,” Remus said, rippling with happiness. Lily hugged Remus, who was jittery with excitement
and his enthusiasm quickly spread to her. The smile on Effie’s face clearly displayed her delight at
Remus’ happiness.
“Dinner will be in half an hour, join us for a drink won’t you?” Effie said with a smile. Lily
enthusiastically agreed and made her way to one of the plush armchairs. The bell on the front door
jangled and Remus launched himself up from the sofa he had just sat back down on.

“I’ll get it,” he said before sprinting out of the room.

Lily shared a bemused look with Effie as she passed over a glass of prosecco. Joy like that was rare
these days, and it was best to indulge it when possible. Lily took a sip of the bubbly liquid and
relished the cool trickle of alcohol down her throat. The door to the sitting room opened slowly and
Remus re-emerged, looking quite pale and entirely shaken.

“What’s wrong?” Lily said, immediately alarmed at his dramatic change in countenance. Remus
looked up at her with wide eyes, he was holding an envelope and his hands were shaking.

“That was the telegram boy,” he said quietly. Effie gasped and Lily heard Monty drop his pen
behind her. The room was silent, and they all remained perfectly still, as if they could will away
whatever news was in that envelope by not moving an inch. Telegrams only delivered unwelcome
news these days, the worst news.

“Who is it?” Effie’s small and trembling voice was barely audible. Remus looked at her with tragic
eyes, his hands now shaking so violently the paper was making a rattling sound.

“I don’t know. I can’t… I can’t…” he couldn’t say anything else, the croak in voice breaking.

“Do you want me to open it?” Lily said. She didn’t want to, but the looks on each of the Potter’s
and Remus’ faces were so terrified, she knew she had do what she could. Remus nodded slowly.
Lily looked to Effie, and then to Monty, who both nodded in turn. She set her glass down and
stood, making her way over to Remus. She gently removed the envelope from Remus’ hand and
looked at its printed lettering.

She steadied her breath and opened the letter with a trembling hand, bringing out the short piece of
card within. She looked at it in disbelief, her eyes immediately blurring with tears.

“Who is it?” Effie’s voice was full of despair. Lily looked up and met Remus’ desperate eye, he
seemed to immediately understand. He inhaled sharply and staggered backwards. Lily reached
forwards and clutched onto his arm.

“It’s Sirius, isn’t it?” he said. Tears had begun streaming down Lily’s face and she nodded. A noise
escaped Remus like a dying animal, he clutched his stomach and wailed. Lily turned to see Monty
standing, his eyes full of tears. Effie had dropped her glass, the prosecco bleeding into the soft rug
and entirely forgotten.

“No… no not Sirius,” Monty said.

Lily looked down to the notice again, trying to make sense of it, hoping that she had been wrong.

Deeply regret to inform you that your son, Aircraftsman Sirius Black, is missing and for official
purposes has been presumed dead based on reports of his aircraft being downed during air
operations. Letter to follow.

The words were there, printed in ink and she couldn’t deny them. Monty strode over to her and took
the telegram from her hands, a furious frown on his face as he examined it. Remus jolted upwards
and sprinted from the room. Lily watched him run and swivelled around to Monty and Effie who
were both weeping. Lily knew Remus needed her, she ran after him, through the house and out the
patio doors.
 “Remus!” She screamed into the night. It had started to rain, and she could only just make out
Remus’ shadow sprinting away, across the lawn and into the fields beyond. She rucked up her
skirt, kicked off her shoes and ran with all her might after him. He was taller, and faster, but she
followed him across the dark countryside, screaming his name. She came to a stop when she saw
him stood on the crest of a small hill, silhouetted by the soft light of the moon. He raised his head
to the sky and roared, a tragic guttural sound that echoed across the earth. He collapsed to his knees
and let out another howling wail, he screamed into the dark, raised his hand to his heart and pulled
the pocket of his shirt until it ripped in a long tear. Lily ran towards him and launched herself down
next to him, wrapping herself around him tightly as he sobbed. The skies had opened, and they
were both soaked in mud. She sobbed with him, shaking but never letting go of Remus’ trembling
form as he collapsed into her arms.

Chapter End Notes

I realised I probably should have tagged the Jily! It’s definitely still a Jegulus fic but
Lily is important to the story- I’ve updated the tags.
 Chapter 20
Chapter Notes

CW: There’s lots of discussions of grief, as well as potential triggers for self-harm or
suicidal ideations. There’s also an incident where a character could be construed as
being homophobic.

Remus

Remus sat in the tepid water of his bathtub, lit only by the small flickering candle on the edge of
the tub. He could see the small plain postcard he had received from James that morning sitting on
the sink, and he grimaced as he remembered its contents. The stamps indicated it had arrived from
Egypt, but Remus hadn’t heard any other news of his whereabouts.

Remus,

It’s not true. I don’t believe you. I didn’t feel it. He’s okay, it’s a mistake, they’re mistaken.

James

Remus’ closed his tired eyes and sunk down into the water, he didn’t have the energy to reply. He
didn’t want to have to convince James that Sirius was dead, he didn’t want to think of anything at
all. He took a swig from a bottle of brandy and winced, he hated brandy but it was all he had in the
cottage. Remus hadn’t heard from Regulus yet but was quickly losing any ability to care. James
didn’t understand, he’d only heard the basics in the letter Remus had sent him. James hadn’t read
the report, hadn’t seen in black and white how other aircrafts had witnessed Sirius’ engine blown
off. His plane had plummeted to the ground somewhere on the continent, they wouldn’t say where.
James hadn’t heard about the explosion that had occurred less than a minute after the plane crashed
to the earth, how it had been described as ‘impossible to survive’.

Remus heard the clatter of the empty bottle of brandy as it slipped from his hands onto the tiles
next to the bathtub. He allowed himself to sink further into the water, until he was completely
submerged. The soft sounds of the creaking cottage and countryside bubbled away into a low
undulation of water lapping around his ears as his face sunk beneath the surface. He opened his
eyes and watched the wobbling ceiling, lightly glowing in orange.

It had been eight days since the telegram had arrived, eight days and he still felt numb. Each
morning he woke up and was hit immediately by the painful reality that Sirius was gone, and he’d
wail into his pillows, shaking until he was barely unable to breathe. He hadn’t left the cottage since
the first night, Lily came by each day to deliver him some food, but he wouldn’t speak to her. Effie
and Monty both came by too, but he couldn’t even look at their sorry faces. He’d only just
managed to gather the strength to write to James and Regulus. He didn’t want the Potters to have to
write those cursed words.

Bubbles of air exited his mouth and nose as he began to run out air. He didn’t much care, the
silence and weight of the water was the only time he didn’t feel like ripping off his own skin. The
bubbles slowed and Remus felt his head grow light, he remained under the water, craving oblivion.
It wouldn’t take much to just stay like this, to allow his breath to run out and fall into a deep sleep
he wouldn’t wake up from. His chest became tight, and his muscles constricted, instinctually
willing Remus to fight, to take another breath. When the pain expanded from his chest, up to his
throat and even behind his eyes, Remus finally broke the surface and took a deep gasping breath.

He leaned forwards, resting his head on his knees and began weeping again, he had barely stopped
since hearing the news. He was angry at himself, angry that he didn’t have the strength to slip
away, angry that his bloody body had prevented him from being out there with Sirius, angry that he
was so entirely powerless to stop anything that was happening to them.

“Moony?” he heard a faint voice calling to him from downstairs. He wrapped his arms tighter
around his legs and willed whoever it was to leave him alone. “Remus, I’m coming up. I know
you’re there,” the voice called out again.

“Fuck off,” Remus snapped, raising his voice to the intruder. It didn’t work, Remus heard light
steps walking up the stairs and the creak of the bathroom door open. Mary appeared in the slightly
ajar door. She glanced around the room, at the empty brandy bottle on the floor, the cold
bathwater, and Remus’ red eyes.

“Oh Remus,” she breathed out.

“I said fuck off,” Remus muttered. Mary didn’t flinch as she walked into the bathroom and knelt
beside the tub, wrapping her arms around Remus’ soaking body. She didn’t say anything, what
could she say? But Remus eased slightly into her embrace as she stroked his hair lightly.

“Let’s get you out of there, its freezing cold,” she said gently. She picked up a large bath towel and
stood next to the tub. She reached down, and put an arm beneath each of Remus’ armpits, hoisting
him up so he was standing. He probably should have been embarrassed about his state of undress,
but shame was just another emotion that had become numbed in the past week. Mary rubbed the
towel through Remus hair, drying it until it stood up straight, she then moved on to his torso before
wrapping the towel around his waist. She put a firm arm around his body and guided him out of the
bathtub. It must have looked ridiculous, Remus was over a head taller than her, yet here she was
leading him like a he was a small child.

“Let’s get you warmed up,” she said. She led him down to the sitting room and pulled the edge of
the settee, so it was facing the fireplace. She deposited him on the sofa and got to work building a
fire. Remus sat passively and watched as she worked. When the flames flickered to life he stared
into the fire and felt its warmth licking up his shins as Mary bustled around the room. He felt
hateful of that heat, that warmth that reminded him was alive, and Sirius was not. He wanted to be
back in the icy water, wanted to scream until he ran out of breath.

Mary eventually returned to him, carrying a bundle of clothes. She gently pulled a pair of cotton
pyjama bottoms from the pile and knelt down before Remus. She lifted each of his heavy legs,
pulling them on him. She averted her eyes as she leaned forward to pull the trousers up around his
waist. She then lifted each of his limp arms to pull a warm woollen jumper over his head and down
over his torso. When she was done, she stroked his hair out of his eyes and grazed a finger along
the stubble that lined his jaw.

“I’m so sorry Moony,” she said. Remus flicked his eyes to hers, they were brimming with tears, her
dark skin shimmered with the orange glow from the fireplace. Remus hated it, the sorrow and
kindness in her eyes, he didn’t want it. He bit his bottom lip, unable to speak and returned his gaze
to the roaring fire. Mary picked up a blanket, covered his knees and joined him on the sofa. She
rested against his body and wrapped them both in the soft blanket.

Remus didn’t feel himself fall asleep, but he must have at some point. He awoke to the sound of a
rooster calling them to the day. For a brief moment his mind flickered to the morning jobs he
would usually carry out before the reality sunk in once again. His chest immediately constricted,
and that trapped scream bubbled up in his throat again. Mary was tucked in against his side,
sleeping soundly and there were noises coming from his kitchen. He gently pulled himself away
from Mary and covered her again with the soft blanket. He walked into the kitchen and found Lily
busy over the stove cooking some eggs and a pot of tea.

“Morning Moony,” she said in a soft voice. That sympathetic grief was there in her eye. He was
sick of people looking at him like that, like he was a horrible tragedy and just the sight of him
inspired misery.

“You don’t need to do that,” he said in response.

“It’s no bother. Sit down its nearly done.”

Mary padded into the kitchen a while later and the three of them sat quietly around the tiny kitchen
table, poking at their eggs.

“I haven’t heard from Regulus,” Remus muttered after a moment. “His brother’s fucking dead and
he hasn’t even written.”

“I’m sure he will, it takes so long for letters to get through,” Mary said.

“He wrote to me before… well before this,” Lily said. “He’s in Greece, I think it will take a
while.”

“He was fucking James,” Remus said. Mary gasped and Lily dropped her fork.

“He told you?” Lily said.

“You knew?” Remus was astonished. Lily frowned and bit her lip before speaking.

“Only after… James told me when he was back,” she said. A flicker of understanding passed
between Remus and Lily as he remembered seeing her early departure from the hideaway that
morning.

“James and Regulus?” Mary said, clearly still coming to terms with the concept.

“It was the last thing we spoke about,” Remus said. “Sirius is… he’s dead and he never got an
explanation.” He didn’t know why he said that, why it was important, but it was the last thing
Sirius had ever said to him, the last thing Sirius had thought about before the end.

“I’m sure they wanted to tell him…” Lily said before trailing off. Remus frowned at her, suddenly
furious at her for defending them. He was furious at Regulus and James for not being honest,
maybe it was that that had distracted him, made him lose control of his plane. Remus realised it
was ridiculous, but he couldn’t stop the bubbling of fury building beneath his skin. He realised he
was going to lash out at the women in front of him, and despite the emptiness inside of him, he
knew that was a cruel thing to do.

“I’m going for a walk,” he said gruffly, standing from the table. He didn’t bother change, but
simply pulled on his walking boots and threw on his heavy jacket.

“I’ll come with you,” Mary said, following him to the front door.

“No! Just bloody leave me alone would you, I don’t need you clucking around after me,” he
snapped before striding out the door and slamming it behind him.

Remus wrapped his coat around him and immediately regretted leaving the safety of the cottage.
He didn’t want to go anywhere, he wanted to climb back into bed and not think of a thing. He
looked towards the manor, no he couldn’t face the Potters right now. He couldn’t go into the
village either, too many people and too many prying questions. There was a pub down the end of
the lane, a bit run down but probably entirely empty so early in the morning. Decision made, he
began trudging down to the small thatched-roof pub, keeping his head down in case anyone should
see him. He realised he was still wearing his cotton pyjama bottoms, they were navy blue and so
didn’t stand out too much, Remus didn’t really care either way.

He entered the mercifully empty pub and made his way to the bar. An old man Remus recognised
as Alfred the landlord was busy cleaning glasses behind the long wooden bench.

“Hi Alfie, pint of bitter please,” Remus said roughly. Alfred turned around, surprised at the
disturbance. He took in Remus’ appearance and Remus felt himself prickle with anger as he caught
Alfred’s eyes dart up toward a clock that hung on the wall. The time of day never stopped you
from serving my father, he thought bitterly. Alfred didn’t say anything, he nodded dutifully and
poured the pint. Remus handed over a couple of shillings and looked around the small pub, trying
to find the darkest corner to sequester himself away in.

“Terrible news about the Potter’s ward. What was his name? Black wasn’t it?” Alfred said. Remus
grimaced and turned to face him. “Always saw him round the place. Odd sort of bloke with that
long hair of his. Still, it’s an awful shame. That’s four from the village gone now.” Alfred was
whittling on, talking about Sirius as if it were just neighbourhood gossip and Remus wanted to
punch him in the face. He took a long sip of his pint to prevent him from saying anything stupid
and turned away, finding a small armchair next to the fire to settle himself into. He padded his
pockets and sighed a breath of relief when he found a book within it, he pulled it out and tried to
read it, hoping that it would keep any conversationalists away. Alfred seemed to get the picture and
returned to his duties, muttering under his breath.

Remus stared at the same page for a couple of hours while he continued to sink pints. He had
become quite drunk by the time Marlene’s brother Tommy strolled in in the early afternoon.

“Couple of ciders and one for yourself Alfred,” he said loudly, his booming voice echoed around
the room. He had come in with another bloke Remus recognised from school. Mathew, Remus
thought his name was. “Alright Remus?” Tommy said when he spotted Remus sitting there,
despite Remus’ attempts to bury himself down into the cushions. Remus didn’t respond but
Tommy didn’t seem to get the picture, as meat headed as ever. He strolled over and perched on a
stool next to him. “How’s it going? Need any help on the farm?” Remus sighed but looked up at
his red face.

“No. We have the land girls, they’re doing a fine job,” he said.

“No need to have a bunch of girls running around, we’re back now,” Tommy replied dismissively.

“And why are you back?”

“Got shot in the shoulder at Dunkirk didn’t I. I’ve been honourably discharged,” Tommy said with
a smug grin on his face. Remus could feel the bitterness begin to bubble under his skin. “So if you
want to go ahead and get rid of those girls, I’m sure I can do what they’re all doing. For a fair wage
of course.”
“Sorry, no,” Remus said without further explanation.

Tommy frowned, clearly annoyed by the causal dismissal. “What’s the problem Remus, you look
like you’ve been kicked in teeth,” he said.

“I’m fine.”

“Hmm… clearly,” Tommy said throwing an amused face to Matthew whose long, pinched face
was leering down at him from besides Tommy. “Are you upset about that Black fella? We heard
about it at the pub. After all that business in the skies a few weeks ago and he goes and gets shot
down when the Germans have already bloody turned and run.”

“He fucking saved us. They’d be marching down Oxford Street right now if it wasn’t for him,”
Remus spat out. “And they haven’t gone, they’ll be back with more bombs.”

“That might be so. Looks like Mr Haughty won’t be here to help though,” Tommy’s face grew red
with laughter. Remus didn’t know what his fucking problem was, was he just trying to rile him up?
Or maybe he was just so insecure about his own inadequacy he had to take it out on Sirius.

“Shut the fuck up,” Remus warned. Tommy dropped his eyes to Remus, his gaze was teasing.

“Oh sorry Remus, touched a sore spot did I? Didn’t realise you and him were so… close.” He
stopped and leaned back on his stool, assessing Remus further. “I’ve heard rumours about you, you
know. Is that what it was? Were you and him… you know?”

Remus threw Tommy a dangerous glare, his hands clenched into fists and his muscles tensed,
daring him to say another word.

“Oh that’s it isn’t it! My word.” Tommy shifted forward, leaning his arms on his knees and
looking Remus directly in the eye. “Tell me, which one of you… you know… played the girl?”

Remus couldn’t stop himself even if he wanted to, he threw himself forwards, fists tightened, and
body coiled. He launched himself on top of Tommy and punched him in the nose. Tommy
squealed, actually squealed, with shock as he was knocked off his stool. Remus didn’t stop at one
punch however, he continued barrelling fists into him, into his face, his stomach, anywhere he
could reach. Tommy was on the floor, writhing desperately to get away from Remus’ attack.
Matthew grabbed a hold of Remus shoulders, pulling him away. Remus spun around and punched
Matthew square in the jaw as he shook out of his clutches. Matthew grabbed a hold of his jaw and
looked at Remus in shock before a blow blasted the back of Remus’ head. Tommy had recovered
from his assault and was now standing, fists raised.

Remus launched himself back on Tommy, quickly followed by Matthew who had proceeded to
jump on his back, kicking and scratching. The trio barrelled into a small wooden table, breaking its
legs and sending splinters flying. Remus landed on his back and Tommy jumped on top of him,
landing blows to his face. Remus watched his crimson face, streaked with blood and anger and
laughed. It only egged Tommy on, and Remus felt alive, felt something, for the first time in days.
He twisted his body up and picked up the leg of the broken table, bringing it up behind his head,
ready to strike.

“That’s enough!” Alfred roared. He was stood in the middle of the pub, rage etched into every
ancient line of his face.

“Get out! Now!” he pointed at Remus and Remus dropped the table leg.

“It wasn’t just me-”

“I won’t have you leaving and starting up again outside my pub. Lupin, I had enough trouble with
your father, I don’t need a repeat. Now go home and sober up.”

Remus’ lip curled at the low blow, he sent a scathing look towards Tommy and Matthew and
turned on his heel, stumbling out of the pub. He wiped a hand across his streaming nose, which
quickly became streaked with blood. He must look a right state, he realised. He spat out a mouthful
of blood and scowled at the small stone pub, determined to never set foot in the wretched place
again. He didn’t want to go home though, sure that Mary or Lily would still be there waiting for
him. He couldn’t deal with their sympathetic faces right now. He wandered into the woodlands and
washed his face in a small stream. He wandered around aimlessly for about an hour before he came
across the small treehouse Lyall had built all those years ago.

His head was spinning slightly, and he could barely walk straight towards the rotting rungs, but he
pulled himself up to the small rickety platform nonetheless. He sat with his back to the tree and
sighed heavily. He was alone, alone with his thoughts and the brutal reminder of the last time he
had been up with Sirius. Everything reminded him of him, he couldn’t get the glossy black hair, the
striking grin, his soft alabaster skin out of his mind. He wanted to roar with fury, and scream and
fight and just fucking do something, because he was so completely, hopelessly inadequate.

He curled up in a foetal position, wrapping his arms around his knees and began to cry, he had been
weeping for eight days straight and he couldn’t stop. It would never stop, he thought, he didn’t
want it to. He must have eventually tired himself out, or maybe it was the early morning drinking,
but Remus fell into a fitful sleep until he woke in the dark. He turned and stretched until he was
lying on his back, unwilling to move despite the cold aching into his bones. He looked up into the
sky, slightly obscured by the trees above and found the star he was looking for. It was a fairly
cloudy night, and he could barely make it out, blinking down at him before it was covered by a
dark grey rain cloud.

“Remus? Remus are you up there?” a voice called out to him. Remus turned on his front and
peeked over the edge of the ledge and found Monty’s face looking up at him, illuminated by a faint
torch. “Oh there you are, I thought you might be here.”

“I’m alright Monty,” Remus said, anticipating his next question.

“I know you are,” Monty sighed. “But the girls were awfully worried when you didn’t go home.”

“I’ll go home when I’m ready,” Remus said, flopping around onto his back.

“Sure you will,” Monty said. Remus heard a series of muffled grunts and swearing and despite his
complete disinterest in moving, curiosity got the best of him. He peered over the ledge again to
find Monty struggling to climb the ancient ladder up towards him.

“Monty! What are you doing? You’ll break your neck!" Remus said in alarm.

“Oh bosh, I’ve faced worse than Lyall’s handiwork,” he said as he continued to heave his way up
the ladder.

“Careful Monty!” Remus exclaimed, apparently unable to dissuade Monty from his determined
climb.

“I’m alright,” Monty said as he finally pulled himself up on the rickety ledge. He grimaced as he
slowly lowered himself down against the tree trunk, frowning down at the long drop down.

“Why on earth did I let you kids play up here? It’s a death-trap,” he murmured.
“It was sturdier back then,” Remus couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle. “Besides, we would
have found ourself up a tree regardless.”

“Yes, you would have, and you did if I recall,” Monty said teasingly, giving him that same fatherly
look he had perfected over the years. Remus couldn’t help but feel the familiar trickle of guilt at
the look, despite being twenty years old. Remus smiled and leaned back besides Monty against the
tree. They were silent for a few moments, there was no sound but the soft rustling of leaves and the
gentle hoot of an owl.

“It’s a hateful thing.” Monty eventually spoke in a calm and quiet voice. “And it doesn’t get easier.
People will tell you that. That time will heal, but it doesn’t. Not in the way they mean.” Remus
looked at Monty, surprised at his remarkably uncomforting statement. Monty met his eye and
smiled. “It comes in waves, grief. You’re not going to forget him, and you’ll always feel his
absence. But trust me when I say that it does become less painful. You’ll be able to think of him
and it won’t make your heart break. You’ll remember the way he laughed, or the way he used to
scoff down dinner like he’d never been fed before.” Monty’s eyes shimmered slightly as he spoke,
and Remus’ throat was sore with emotion. “But you’ll have new experiences, new people to love,
new parts of your heart to open that you didn’t know existed.”

Remus bit his cheek to prevent himself from sobbing. “I don’t want anything new. I want to be
wherever he is, even if that means I’m cold and rotten,” Remus said.

“Shh… don’t say that Remus. Remember we love you so much. We love him too, and what do you
think he’d say if he heard you talk like that?” Remus sniffled and nodded, he twisted his hands
together and couldn’t meet Monty’s eye. “I can’t pretend to know everything about you two, but I
know that you had something special. And that he loved you as much as you did. Gosh I remember
the first time he came to visit; he came bounding up to the house to tell me all about the tall farm
boy he’d just met. I hardly knew the kid and he was already telling me about the way your curls
fell into your eyes,” Monty laughed at the memory, Remus chuckled lowly at the story.

“Did he really say that?”

“Oh yes, you were all he spoke about that evening at dinner. Poor James is so hapless, I was quite
bowled over when he claimed he hadn’t suspected a thing this whole time. He must have had
fairies dancing round his head when Sirius was talking.” Remus couldn’t help the laughter that
bubbled out of him at that image.

“Yes, well that’s quite accurate.”

“Of course, James thinks we didn’t know about him and Regulus sneaking off with each other. His
observation skills when it comes to love need a little work if you ask me.”

“You knew about them?” Remus asked, surprised at Monty’s cavalier attitude.

“Ha,” Monty chuckled again. “I can always tell when my boy is in love, he was never very subtle.”
Monty’s smile shifted as he turned to look at Remus again. “That goes for all my boys. I could see
how happy you were with Sirius, and it’s a hateful, pointless thing that it has been ripped from you.
You’re family Remus, and we’ll get through this as a family.”

Remus’ smile dropped and he sniffled again. He leaned forward and allowed himself to be
embraced by Monty, feeling like he was a small child again. He eventually pulled himself up and
wiped his face.

“You and Effie have been awfully good about all this, about me and Sirius I mean,” Remus said
after a moment.

“Well, we’re not all as backwards as the Black family. I’ve seen enough of the world to know love
comes in all shapes,” Monty shrugged, as if was nothing.

“Thank you Monty, really,” Remus said earnestly. Monty looked at him, and James’ kind eyes
smiled back him, the crows feet were deeper and they had lost that boyhood charm, but it felt for a
moment as if his best friend was here beside him.

“Anything Remus. You’re one of us, whether you like it or not,” Monty said firmly. “Besides, that
Black family are a good-looking bunch,” Monty said. Remus chuckled at the sentiment, that they
were, he thought. “In fact, when we were in Hogwarts, before I met Effie of course, Orion and I-”

“No!” Remus practically screamed in alarm. “Please, for the love of god, do not finish that
sentence!” Monty raised his eyebrows in amusement.

“What? It’s perfectly natural Remus, he’s a total pillock now of course. But back in our youth he
had a very nice-”

“La la la la la,” Remus plugged his ears with his fingers and began singing loudly trying to drown
out Monty’s words. Monty seemed to get the picture and chuckled, he slapped Remus on the back
and said no more.

“Alright help me down from here or I’ll crack my neck,” Monty said, heaving his body round to
precariously perch over the ladder.
 Chapter 21

Marlene

Blackfriars tube station was eerily quiet. The soft rumblings of talking and children chattering had
eased down to a smooth hum as the muffled sounds of blasts reverberated around the dark,
claustrophobic space. Marlene curled herself up beneath the thin blanket she had managed to
borrow. She was lying on the cool ground and was using her bag as a makeshift pillow. She
clenched her eyes tight and tried to drown out the sounds of destruction. It was close tonight, and
she dreaded rising from the underground to see the results of another night of bombardments.

She wasn’t supposed to be there, but she'd had to stay late at the hospital. She should have stayed
overnight in the deep shelters at the hospital but she had foolishly decided to return home, to her
tiny shared room in the attic of a terraced house in Bethnal Green. She had been hurrying through
the dusky streets, shadows looming thanks to the lack of streetlighting, trying to make the last bus
home when the sirens had started. She regretfully joined the throngs of crowds making their way
down into the deep tunnels and found a small patch of the platform to settle down on for the night.

It had been two weeks straight of this, each evening was punctuated with the repeated shelling and
devastation of the city. Marlene remembered the first night of the bombing, she had snuck up to the
roof of the hospital for a smoke break with another nurse Tracey. They had crept to the edge of the
roof, far from the exit door and away from prying eyes. Specifically their unforgiving matron that
held no prisoners on the wards. Marlene had taken a deep drag of her cigarette when she noticed
that Tracey had stilled, eyes peering down across the Thames.

“Why is the sun setting in the east?” she had asked.

Marlene had frowned, confused by the statement, and turned to follow Tracey’s gaze. Sure enough,
the sun was indeed setting in the east as well as the west. Marlene spun her head back and forth,
trying to make sense of the sight. The reality of the situation quickly led to that deep drop of horror
in her stomach as it became apparent what they were looking at. London was on fire.

Tracey had been killed the next night. A doodlebug had dropped on their ward as they triaged
victims of the raids and hurried them down into the basement of the hospital. Marlene had just
hurried through the wide double doors leading away from the ward when she had been blown off
her feet. She skidded across the long corridor and slammed against the far wall. Marlene lay
thunderstruck on the ground, there was a piercing ringing in her head and the corridor was rapidly
filling with dust and smoke. After only a few seconds, she jumped to her feet, patting herself down
to check if she had been seriously hurt before approaching the doors she had slammed through only
minutes earlier. The doors were swinging slightly, creaking with the a haunting and repetitive
sound.

Marlene took one deep breath and entered the ward, or what used to be the ward. A cold wind blew
across the decimated remnants of the hospital. Marlene heard children crying, the haunting sound
echoed around the wide open space. Rubble covered the floor, and the sky was exposed due to the
roof and two walls having bene entirely destroyed. Marlene threw herself into the room and began
desperately tugging at bricks, attempting to get to the source of the crying. After a long night of
pulling survivors from the wreckage, they managed to save over a dozen people. Tracey hadn’t
been one of the lucky ones, trapped below the roof of the hospital even as Marlene had to return to
work on the ward.
After a restless night in Blackfriars station, of which Marlene probably slept about three hours, she
returned the tiny blanket, straightened her dress and joined the throngs of people on their journey
up to the surface. She walked out to a scene of desolation. A bomb, probably more than one, had
landed right on top of them. Everywhere she looked there was rubble and debris. Smoke swirled up
into the white sky above and fires continued to crackle in shop windows that been entirely blown
out. Marlene picked up the end of her skirt, regretful that she was forced to wear it instead of slacks
she generally preferred and began tentatively stepping through the ruins. The few hundred others
who were slowly emerging from the station behind her began doing the same and soon the crowd
was dispersing across the damaged remains of their city.

Marlene jumped on the back of a double decker bus at Fleet Street. She held on tight to the
overhead rail and looked around at the other travellers. There were mothers and babies, workmen
on their way to clean-ups, firemen heading home, nurses and schoolchildren packed onto the large
red bus that was swerving around piles of rubble and taking detours through small one-way streets
due to bomb craters on its usual route. Although Marlene was in desperate need of a wash, her
throat was tickling from dust and smoke, and she was basically asleep on her feet. The sight of
Londoners getting on with their business despite of the chaos surrounding them produced that small
crackle of resilience in Marlene’s resolve.

After jumping on a second bus, she eventually found her way to Bethnal Green. She walked down
the narrow, terraced streets until she came upon the small red front door of the house she was
staying in. She breathed a sigh of relief to see that it was still standing, it was always a worry that
she’d come home one day and find it gone. She entered the house and could immediately hear Mrs
Parson’s screeching voice from down the corridor. She was a croaky old woman who was also the
landlady of the boarding house. Seven girls stayed in the house, most of them squished into small,
shared rooms. She kept a strict reign and had chased more than one visiting bloke away in the
middle of the night, hissing at them with a slipper raised above her head. She wasn’t all bad,
Marlene thought, just a bit eccentric. She was convinced that her father was Jack the Ripper and
Marlene had been cornered into a rather frightening and grizzly monologue when she had
innocently accepted Mrs Parson’s invite for a night cap. She quickly learned to turn those drinks
down, they were either excuses to tell some tall tale, or attempts to wheedle information about the
other girls.

Marlene had received several letters from James since she had arrived and she had made the
mistake of telling Mrs Parson that the sender was a boy. A soldier no less. Mrs Parson’s beady
eyes had scanned each piece of post Marlene received after that. She’d have to snatch it away to her
room so that the crotchety old woman wouldn’t read it over her shoulder. It was annoying really,
that everyone always got into such a state about men around the place. It was the same back home
too.

A particular memory from when Marlene was thirteen years old stood out to her. She, Mary and
Lily were lying in the centre of the village green on a sunny spring day. Marlene had been on her
back, throwing her football in the air and she could remember how frustrating it had been that
suddenly their games had turned from playing catch, five a sides, and climbing trees, to sitting
around and just talking. Marlene had looked up at the boys down the other end of the green. It was
that first Easter holiday that Sirius had come to Godric’s Hollow to visit. He and James were play
fighting, rolling around the grass while Remus laughed along and for some unknown reason he
was launching clementines at their tumbling bodies.

Marlene loved Mary and Lily, of course. But she didn’t understand when they had suddenly
decided that a fun pastime was just sitting around talking. Talking about boys specifically. She
remembered how they had hunched together, reluctantly pulling Marlene in, so their heads were all
squished together.

“Who do you fancy?” Mary had said through a giggle, her eyes darting over to the boys. Their
playfighting had escalated to the point where James was lying on the ground, being pinned down
by Remus. It looked like Sirius was farting in James’ face. Marlene grimaced and looked at Mary
perplexed; she couldn’t be serious. Apparently, she was.

Lily joined her giggling and whispered. “I fancy Remus,” she said before hiding her face in her
arms.

“No, that’s no fair,” Mary said with a pout. “We can’t both fancy Remus!”

“Too late!” Lily sung, flinging her vibrant red hair over her shoulder and leaning back, satisfied.

“Fine.” Mary huffed and looked over to them again. “I guess that new boy Sirius is nice,” she said.

“What’s wrong with James?” Marlene interjected, she was entirely uninterested in this
conversation, but somewhat defensive over her friend all the same.

“Oh don’t worry Marls, we wouldn’t dream of taking him from you,” Mary said sincerely. Marlene
nearly choked on the sip of lemonade she had just taken.

“Urgh gross!” she exclaimed. She looked stunned at Mary and Lily, who were both watching her
with confused expressions on their faces.

“Do you not fancy James?” Lily asked. “I thought he was like your boyfriend?”

“Since when does anyone have a boyfriend?!” Marlene practically screeched; she was getting
incredibly annoyed about this whole encounter now. She looked over to the boys a final time, they
had apparently made up and were now playing penalties using their jumpers as goal markers. She
stood up and stormed away from Mary and Lily, angry about the ridiculous conversation and the
ridiculous separation between the boys and girls that seemed to have happened overnight. Most of
all was she mad that the girls seemed to be pretending to be adults, they were thirteen, what use did
Marlene have with a boyfriend? She stomped home in a huff and stropped for most of the day until
Lily and Mary came by, clutching penny sweets as a peace offering.

Marlene found out a few years later that her strop had done nothing to quell the James Potter
rumours, if anything it had convinced the girls more than ever that she had a crush. She had been
sixteen when they had finally put the rumours to bed. The girls had invited her to the hideaway,
James and Sirius were home for the holidays and so they were spending as much time as possible
with them. Marlene had entered the hideaway to find James alone, sitting on the settee happily
tapping his knee to some song on the record player.

“Hi Marlene!” he had said with that goofy grin. “Lily and Mary said they’ll meet us here with
Moony and Pads.” Marlene was immediately suspicious, she turned around only to see the door
slam and the gleeful giggles of the girls on the other side cackled through the wood. They locked
the shed shut as Marlene slammed on the door and twisted the handle.

“Let me out of here you little witches!” she shouted. Lily and Mary squealed with delight even
more, apparently very impressed with their matchmaking plot. Marlene huffed and turned to face
James who was still sitting on the sofa, that innocent smile on his face as he took in the odd scene.

“They’re not coming in?” he asked.

“I think we’ve been set up, James,” Marlene muttered.

“Set up? What do you- oh…” James trailed off as the meaning sunk in. His cheeks proceeded to
turn bright pink and his eyes became comically large on his face.

“Relax bellend, I’m not about to seduce you,” Marlene said while flopping down next to him on
the settee. “Mary and Lily have gone boy crazy, it’s a real problem. I think they need their heads
looking at.”

“Oh.” James huffed a laugh next to her and shoved her with his shoulder. “Not you then Marlene?
Far too sensible of course.”

“Of course,” Marlene agreed.

“Did you say Lily was boy crazy?” James said after a long moment. “What boys exactly?” his face
was the picture of innocence as he sat fiddling with a piece of thread hanging off the sofa.

“Oh god, not you too James,” Marlene was disappointed frankly. She had really thought James was
above all that nonsense.

Everything changed the following September. It was Marlene’s last year of school before she was
going to leave to start her nurse training, and frankly she was sick of it all. She liked seeing Mary
and Lily every day of course, and Remus had become a close friend, but she was ready to start
doing something practical.

Remus had taken to lounging in the back of the classroom, book flipped open and ignoring the
world around him. He appeared to be entirely unaware of the fact that almost every girl in the room
was mooning after him. Even the teachers would let him off the hook when he decided his novel
was more interesting than algebra, they were just as taken with whatever spell he had managed to
cast. Remus either didn’t notice or didn’t care. He’d trudge home, flat cap on, head bowed, and
hands buried in his pockets. “Oh don’t worry, I’m sure you ladies don’t want me cramping your
style,” he would pleasantly say to groups of younger girls would that would rather unsubtly
mention they were walking his direction home.

Marlene stomped into the classroom the beginning of that year and threw her bag down next to
Remus, determined to join him in his lacklustre involvement in the classes. She crossed her arms
and leaned her head on them as she waited for the class to begin. When the room finally settled, a
woman walked in and stood in front of them. Marlene’s eyebrows shot up at the new arrival. She
was a young woman with dark black hair and olive skin, she was wearing dark blue wide legged
trousers and cream silk blouse. She looked like she had stepped off the cover of a magazine, and
was extremely different from the dour teachers Marlene was used to. Marlene had sat straight up,
intrigued about the new woman.

“Morning class, I’m Miss Harris I’ll be taking over your lessons this year…” Marlene didn’t pick
up on the rest of her speech because a high-pitched ringing began rattling around her head.

“Alright Marls?” Remus asked from besides her.

“What? Oh yes, yes, I’m fine” Marlene said, brushing down her hair and hoping her pink cheeks
weren’t too noticeable. Remus raised his eyebrows and drew the corners of his mouth down in
amusement as his eyes darted between the new teacher and Marlene’s ruffled state. She scowled at
him and raised an arm between her and Remus, she rested her head on it and stared down at the
book in front of her. She had no idea why she had such a dramatic reaction to the new teacher.

She had sat on the wall behind the school, tucked away from adults’ eyes, smoking with Remus
later that day. He watched her with a coy smile and Marlene felt that tight uncomfortable coil in her
stomach. She’d always had that feeling, when her friends spoke about boys, when Remus tried to
tease out her confused feelings about Miss Harris, she felt so exposed, so watched, perceived for
the first time in her life. It was a jumble of wrong and right, and she wanted it to stop.

Despite the flurry of emotions that Miss Harris produced, it took Marlene months to realise exactly
what she had been feeling. It was only after a drunken night in the hideaway with Remus that she
had finally blurted out that she was attracted to their teacher, to women in general. She hadn’t quite
realised that’s what it was until she actually said it. Remus was probably the best person she could
have told, he embraced her generously and told her that he understood entirely. He then went on to
describe in great detail various encounters he’d had with William, another boy in their class.
Marlene’s embarrassment about her own situation had quickly been replaced with shocked
curiosity as Remus described his exploits in rather too much explicit detail.

Even now, all these years later, she was still that sixteen-year-old, flustered by her teacher’s cream
blouse and avoiding Remus’ gaze, she was still that thirteen-year-old sick with anger that she’d
been unceremoniously separated from the boys’ activities. She was still seven years old, climbing
on James’ shoulders to reach the football they’d gotten stuck in the tree. She was all those ages,
and she knew without a doubt that forty years from now she’d still be a nineteen-year-old nurse
living in London during the Blitz with no earthly clue what she was doing.

Marlene climbed the three sets of stairs towards her attic room after the night in Blackfriars station.
She moved quietly past the rooms of the other nurses, teachers, single women who needed
somewhere to stay. She could hear the light tinkle of chatter and music filtering through the doors
as she passed. She eventually made it to the top floor where there was only one small room.
Marlene opened the door and was immediately faced with her roommate Dorcas. Dorcas was fixing
her make-up in the mirror; she was dressed in her hospital pinafore and had her long braids tied
back into a bun. Marlene met her eyes in the mirror and quickly looked away.

Things had been frosty between her and Dorcas. They had both started working at St. Thomas’ at
the same time but Dorcas, being two years older than Marlene, had already had extensive
experience in London hospitals. Marlene’s immediate confidence and resolve to be the best clearly
rubbed Dorcas the wrong way. They were continuously bickering when they were on the wards
together, each of them determined to do things their own way. It didn’t help that they were roomed
together in the small attic space. The rooms had been doled out randomly, and they didn’t have
much choice in the matter. When Marlene asked to be moved she had been told in no uncertain
terms that she was lucky to find anywhere to board.

“Morning,” Marlene muttered to Dorcas, who was pointedly ignoring her and her dishevelled
appearance. Marlene flopped down face first onto her bed, not bothering to change or even kick off
her shoes. She heard a theatrical sigh behind her and so she twisted to shoot Dorcas a dark look.
“Give me a break, I had a twelve hour shift and then had to sleep in bloody Blackfriars”

Dorcas turned back to the mirror and continued applying her make up. “I wondered why you didn’t
come home. Thought you might have been caught in a bomb,” she said without a hint of emotion.

“Wouldn’t you love that,” Marlene murmured. Dorcas sighed dramatically and pulled on her coat.

“No, as it happens. As annoying as you are, I’m not so heartless as to wish you dead,” she said. It
annoyed Marlene even more, of course she knew Dorcas didn’t mean it literally. “I’m off for my
twelve-hour shift, It’ll be too late to get the bus so I’m staying at the hospital.” Dorcas said before
swanning out of the room. Marlene flopped onto her back and scowled at the closed door. She
should make use of the empty room now she had it. Truthfully, as much as she always longed for a
moment of privacy once she got it she was quite at a loose end as to what to do. Now she also had a
rare day off and had even less to do. She might go to the pictures, or for a walk down by the
Thames, she thought. Although the cinemas weren’t always open these days and walks often
became quite depressing when you’d come across a crater where a week previously there had been
an entire building.

Marlene sighed and decided she’d spend the morning catching up on her letters. She went to the
small, shared bathroom and had a quick bath in an inch of cold water before retreating back to her
room. She bundled herself up in a dressing gown and sat at the cramped writing desk in the corner
of the room. She pulled out Lily’s most recent letter, and decided it was probably the easiest to
reply to. Lily had seemed concerned in her most recent letter, but that was to be expected, it didn’t
seem like anyone was doing well after the news of Sirius’ crash. She pulled out a fresh piece of
paper and began writing.

Lily,

Thanks for your letter. Sorry to hear things are still tough there, I can’t imagine what Remus is
going through. I’ve sent him two letters and I told him the hospital has telephones I could use to
phone the manor but he hasn’t replied. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.

Things here are getting worse I’m afraid. The bombing is happening every night now. It started
near me, in the East End, but it’s the entire city now. Most mornings I’ll awake to the smell of
smoke in the air and I’ll know that there are fires raging nearby. I’m safe though. We have a
shelter at the bottom of the garden, and I can shelter in the hospital when I work late. I had to stay
on the platform of Blackfriars last night, got caught out when the sirens went off. It wasn’t so bad,
I think I preferred it to the Anderson shelter if I’m being honest, at least I was surrounded by
people there. I think I’ll have to start going to Bethnal Green station when the sirens go off now, it
takes ten minutes to walk there but it should be enough time.

The bombing is pretty frightening, every single night the entire city is full of explosions and you
can feel the ground vibrating. The bombs make this awful whistling sound, it’s like a screeching,
wailing creature coming down to get you. If the whistling stops though, that’s when you need to be
worried. Or at least according to my land lady. If the screaming stops, then you know it’s right on
top of you and there’s no way out.

Sorry, hope I’m not scaring you. I’m in good form otherwise. The rations are shit and the hours are
long, but I really love my work. Dorcas is still annoying, we’re not working as many shifts together
anymore so it’s got better, a bit quiet if anything. The other nurses are pretty calm, at least Dorcas
presented a bit of a challenge. Anyway, I got the sense you were worried about something in your
last letter? Is it Remus? If you want to telephone me, let me know and I can get it organised at the
hospital.

I got a letter from James too. He’s completely in denial about Sirius. I don’t know what to say to
him. It’s certain right? I know they said there was no way he could have survived, but is there a
chance? Sorry, I don’t know why I’m asking that. If he was, he’d have resurfaced by now surely.
It’s just so dreadfully sad. Stay safe Lily, I know that it’s frustrating being stuck in Godric’s
Hollow, but a boring life is the best we can hope for right now.

Marlene

Marlene folded the piece of paper and slipped it into an envelope. She looked down at the next
letter on the pile. It was only a short postcard from James, but it was too much for her to deal with.
She didn’t have the strength to reply, she didn’t know what to say to him. He was scrabbling
desperately for a shred of hope, and Marlene couldn’t give it to him. But she didn’t want to give
him the alternative either. She didn’t want to have to convince him that Sirius was gone, and it was
like he was asking her to. He was somewhere in the desert, and post was talking a long time to get
over there, if it made it at all. He didn’t need the few letters he received to be bad news.

Marlene,

Thanks for your letter but I don’t need your sympathies. He’s not dead. I didn’t feel it. I know what
they’re all saying, I got a letter from dad telling me off for upsetting Moony. I don’t understand
why Remus has accepted it so quickly, they didn’t see him die right? I know what they said, but its
Sirius. He’s fine, so please stop saying how sorry you are. I wish I could write more often. I’m in
the desert. It’s tough terrain towards the Italians and I doubt you’ll hear from me for a while. I
hope you’re okay, stay safe, we’re hearing awful things about what’s going on in London. Looking
forward to a kickabout when I’m back.

Yours, James.

Marlene spent her day catching up on sleep and doing laundry before whittling away the rest of the
day reading. James’ postcard was burning a hole in her bedside cabinet and she knew she needed to
respond. She was staring at the same page of her book that she had been reading for half an hour
when the door opened suddenly. Dorcas entered, looking rather frazzled and out of breath.

“Oh hello,” Marlene said, surprised at her early return.

“Hi Marlene,” Dorcas replied, shrugging off her overcoat. “I was sent home early, had a bad one
this morning.” Marlene took a sharp breath, the matron was an unforgiving woman, and the chaos
of the hospital meant that she would not often let the nurses leave early for any reason. It must
have been bad for her to send Dorcas home.

“I’m sorry,” Marlene said in an earnest voice. “A kid?” she said, assuming the worst. Dorcas didn’t
meet her eye but busied herself with hanging her coat up neatly. Marlene could see that her eyes
were shimmering slightly, and she was trying her best not to cry. Marlene knew Dorcas well
enough to know that she wouldn’t appreciate her moment of vulnerability being called out, so she
swung her legs over the bed and walked over to the wireless and turned it on. Dorcas wiped a tear
from her face, her back still to Marlene and Marlene pretended not to notice.

“What have you been doing?” Dorcas asked in a small voice, clearly looking for a distraction.

“Oh nothing really,” Marlene responded. An extended silence fell upon them and so Marlene began
speaking in attempt to diffuse the tension. “I need to write my friend, but I’ve been putting it off all
day.”

“Why?” Dorcas asked, sitting on her bed. Marlene turned to face her, she was extremely unused to
this casual chat, it must have been worse than she thought for Dorcas to willingly engage in
conversation. Grateful that they weren’t bickering, and grateful for an opportunity to distract
Dorcas, Marlene continued babbling about her insignificant problems.

“It’s my mate from home James, he’s in Egypt. But his brother in the RAF just died. James is in
denial about it and he wants me to tell him he’s right to think he’s still alive. But if I do that, then
I’m probably just feeding his delusions aren’t I? And if I don’t, well then he’s going to be even
more broken.”

“Hmm…” Dorcas said, pondering it. Marlene was surprised with the earnestness with which
Dorcas considered the issue. Her brows crinkled as she pondered the question, she had smooth skin
and full, dark brows that pinched together when she was concentrating. “That’s tough. Are you
sure he’s wrong?”
“Yes. Well… I think so. He was shot down and they said it wasn’t possible to survive. He’d have
turned up by now if he’d made it.”

“Maybe not,” Dorcas said. Marlene hadn’t really considered that, and she twisted her hands
together in her lap as she thought about it.

“Maybe, but its extremely unlikely. It’d be a miracle really. And isn’t it best that he lets go of the
hope now? Otherwise he’ll never accept it, especially if I feed into it.”

“It’s never better to give up on hope,” Dorcas said simply. And that was it, all Marlene really
needed to hear. She was right, of course she was. Marlene smiled at Dorcas and was surprised to
see a small smile tug from the edge of her mouth. She must be knackered, Marlene thought, that
she was conversing pleasantly and smiling at her.

“Thanks Dorcas, you’re right. I’m going to write him now.” Dorcas shrugged and left the room,
presumably to the bathroom.

Marlene returned to the writing desk and wrote a short note to James.

James,

Remus needs to believe he’s gone. Hope is too painful when you’re stuck at home and hearing
stories of what’s happening. The idea that Sirius might still be out there and he can’t do anything
to help him, that’s too much for him to bare after everything he’s been through. He’ll be destroyed
either way and he needs something solid to mourn.

You need to believe he’s alive, and that’s okay too. Hold on to that hope, for as long as you can.
What other people believe, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is what helps you through
these long days.

I’m thinking of you often and can’t wait to see you again,

Marlene.

Marlene frowned down at the pathetic words but decided it should be enough. She stuffed the letter
into an envelope and placed it on top of Lily’s, ready to be sent. Dorcas re-entered the room and
Marlene swivelled round to face her.

“Thanks Dorcas, you’re a lifesaver,” she said.

Dorcas shrugged again. “So who is he? Your bloke?” she asked. Marlene scoffed an incredulous
laugh.

“God no, I wish people would stop saying that. Although if I were forced to marry a man, I
suppose I could do worse. I reckon we’d have a great laugh together.”

Dorcas’ interest was piqued and she shifted forwards on the bed where she’d begun folding some
clothes. “Oh? You don’t want to get married?”

Marlene hesitated, she wasn’t about to out herself to someone who had been rude to her for the past
three months, and she’d probably said too much already. “Um… no I don’t think it’s for me,” was
what she managed to come up with. After a moment of silence, she felt a question hanging in the
air. “What about you?”

“Me?” Dorcas laughed. “Absolutely not, no time for that nonsense. Men are so dreary,” she said.
Marlene let out a bark of laughter, finally something they had in common. She tentatively made her
way to her own bed and sat on the edge facing Dorcas.

“You’ve never really told me about yourself,” Marlene said.

“I suppose not,” Dorcas replied, continuing to fold her clothes. Marlene made a frustrated huffing
sound at the non-response to what she felt was a clear question.

“Well? Where are you from? London I know but whereabouts? What about your family?”

Dorcas stopped her folding and looked up to meet Marlene’s eye. “Why the sudden interest?”

“I duno, we’ve been living together for a while. Might be time we stop jumping down each others
throats?” Dorcas laughed at that; Marlene had finally acknowledged their bitter rivalry that has so
far gone unaddressed.

“Yes. I suppose we should,” Dorcas said. She sighed and slumped back against the wall behind
her. “Not much to tell really. I’m from Peckham, two younger brothers, my family’s not rich but I
went to grammar school, so I learnt my ps and qs.” Dorcas said. In those short sentences Marlene
had learned more about her roommate than she had in the three months they had lived together.
She suddenly realised how self-interested she had been by not asking earlier.

“I thought you were a bit posh,” Marlene said.

“Says you!” Dorcas couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m not posh! Just caus I’m from the country doesn’t mean I’m posh,” Marlene said very
defensively.

“Alright, but neither am I,” Dorcas said. They nodded in unison, glad to have come to the common
understanding that they would not be insulting each other in that manner.

“Go on, tell me more,” Marlene encouraged.

“What’s to tell? I left school, started nursing training because I couldn’t be a doctor, spent two
years in Kings Hospital and when the war started I moved up here.”

“You wanted to be a doctor?”

“Didn’t you?” Dorcas asked. Marlene was surprised at the question.

“Um… well I suppose I never considered it,” Marlene said.

“I assumed that any of the nurses who were particularly bright wanted to be,” Dorcas said
dismissively. Marlene felt her cheeks warm at the comment.

“You think I’m bright? I thought you thought I was nuisance,” she said with a smile.

“Oh you’re a nuisance alright, but mostly it’s because you’re bright. I don’t need some country-
bumpkin coming along and showing me up,” the humour in Dorcas’ voice gave betrayed her
teasing.

“Maybe one day,” Marlene said.

“One day what?” Dorcas asked.

“When this is over, maybe you could train to be a doctor. You definitely could, I already trust you
more than half the doctors at St. Thomas’s.”

Dorcas laughed, a sound Marlene was quickly beginning to love, she felt a strange tug to provoke
as much of it as she possibly could. “Maybe. I’m sure they’ll suddenly allow a poor woman, a poor
black woman no less, to become a doctor.”

“Why not?”

Dorcas caught Marlene’s eye and a disbelieving look crossed her face. She opened her mouth as if
to say something but simply shook her head and laughed. “You’re clueless Marlene McKinnon,”
she said.

Marlene pouted, unsatisfied with the turn back to teasing the conversation had taken. “Trust me, in
a few years I’ll be speaking to Dr Meadowes. It’s never better to give up on hope after all.”
Dorcas’ incredulous expression dropped, and she watched Marlene with a curious frown. She
cleared her throat and stood up, breaking the brief and rare connection they had between them.
Marlene leaned back on her bed, ready for the usual silence to descend upon them once again. She
jolted in surprise when Dorcas approached her bed and stood over her.

“Have you eaten?” she asked. Marlene leaned up on her shoulders slowly, suspicious of the
question.

“No?” she replied.

“Okay, come with me,” Dorcas said, grabbing her coat and walking to the door. Marlene watched
her leave, perplexed at what on earth could be happening. “Quickly!” Dorcas said impatiently.
Marlene jumped off her bed and grabbed her jacket, she might as well see where this was heading,
she decided. They walked out of the terraced house onto the small London street. The smell of
smoke still permeated the air, and the afternoon light cast most of the road in shadows. Dorcas
began hurrying off down the road leaving Marlene to jog to catch up.

“We’ll have to go to this place near Mile End. It’s the closest place, but we need to be back before
the sirens,” Dorcas said.

“Okay, great. Where are we going?” Marlene asked.

“I’m taking you to eat my food, Nigerian food,” Dorcas said simply, rushing down the road,
leaving no time for Marlene to ask more questions. After ten minutes of walking, they approached
a small parade of shops, there was a small café tucked at the end of the row that didn’t have a sign
and had considerable shrapnel damage to its front. The two women entered, and Marlene was
greeted by a wave of the most delicious aroma she’d ever encountered. The café was small but full
to the brim of people talking loudly, a kitchen at the back was full of people making lots of noise
and bellowing steam.

“Sit,” Dorcas gestured to a small table and Marlene sat without question. Dorcas approached the
counter and embraced the woman standing behind it. Marlene couldn’t make out what they were
saying, but they clearly knew each other and the warm smile on Dorcas’ face was an expression
Marlene had not encountered before. She hadn’t realised that Dorcas had this side of her, in this
environment she appeared looser, more carefree than she usually did. Dorcas eventually came and
joined her at the table and Marlene just opened her mouth to speak when the same woman from the
counter walked over with a collection of bowls and plates.

“Servings aren’t what they used to be I’m afraid,” the woman said, regret in her voice. Marlene
looked at the steaming plate, it looked delicious and was probably the most amount of food she’d
had in a single meal since rationing began.

“What is it?” Marlene asked in a whisper to Dorcas when the woman left them.

“That’s jollof rice, that’s chicken stew, and that’s moi moi,” Dorcas said pointing to each of the
small bowls in front of them. Dorcas took a spoonful of stew and closed her eyes, savouring the
taste. Marlene noticed the way her mouth spread into a smile as she savoured the flavours, tilting
her head back slightly in appreciation. Marlene looked at the food and took a spoon of stew herself,
she repeated Dorcas’ gesture, closing her eyes even if she felt a bit silly for it. The explosion of
spice and sweetness coated her mouth and she moaned, actually moaned, at the glorious taste.

“Oh my god, that’s incredible,” she said. Dorcas was watching her, laughing under her breath.
Marlene felt herself flush with embarrassment at her enthusiasm. Dorcas, to her credit, didn’t make
fun of her.

“Try that, it’s like a cake made from beans,” she said pointing to another dish. Marlene broke a
piece off and managed to stop herself from groaning with pleasure this time. She began eating
heartedly, quickly forgetting any semblance of control as she devoured the delicious dishes and
new flavours. Dorcas ate far more delicately but kept that small smile as she watched Marlene.

“It doesn’t taste exactly how it’s supposed to,” Dorcas said after a while. “But they make do with
the rations and what we can get. My mum makes the best rice, I’ll ask her to make you some.”
Marlene nodded enthusiastically around a mouthful of rice.

They left the quickly emptying café as soon as they had finished eating. People generally didn’t
linger anywhere once the sun had begun to wane in the sky. The sirens would start howling soon, it
was strange how such a traumatic thing had becoming so commonplace in their lives that they were
organising dinner outings around the threat of death. Marlene and Dorcas walked slowly back
towards their house, people hurrying past them to get home before dark. Marlene unexpectedly felt
extremely nervous in Dorcas’ presence, the simmering resentment having completely fallen away.
She snuck looks towards Dorcas’ face as they walked, she was glowing in the golden light and
Marlene realised she had been an utter fool for not seeing the loveliness in her before.
 Chapter 22
Chapter Notes

A very quick and short extra chapter today!

CW: Suicidal ideation, lots of discussion about depression and bad mental health
overall

Regulus

They cleared the town in two days of blood and bullets. Regulus didn’t think, didn’t stop to have a
thought beyond the next objective. He didn’t care about the people he killed, the men he saw fall
staining the light grey rocks with crimson.

Fire rained down around him and he walked, shelling blew the roof of buildings, and he didn’t
flinch. He walked open armed and without purpose straight into the pit of destruction. The will to
survive that had so tentatively convinced him to remain for six more years when he was fifteen had
ebbed away. He hadn’t noticed when it had disappeared, maybe it was when he told James to
leave, maybe it was when he received news of Sirius’ death. All he knew is that he woke up in an
army camp on the coast somewhere in Northern Greece and felt no desire to live. He gazed upon
the small stone houses, the sparkling blue sea, the cloudless skies and felt nothing.

The nothingness had been creeping in, and now it was entrenched within him, it was too late for
him to care to do anything about it. He dutifully followed where he was told to go, he shot at the
invading Italian army, not registering if his aim struck true, not caring. He sat on small tables
outside celebratory bars drinking ouzo and playing cards but could have just as easily been in his
tent staring blankly at the dark canvas.

They were facing strong resistance, yet again, and Regulus was convinced that this war was
unwinnable. On a cool yet sunny day, his regiment had successfully taken hold of a small town
close to the Bulgarian border. His fellow troops celebrated, they sung and they danced as if the
small victory meant anything. They’d be pushed back again, Regulus was sure of it. He walked
around the small Greek lanes, wandering into quiet alleys to be alone when he came across a tiny
bookshop tucked down a small road. Its doors were open and Regulus was surprised that with a
war being raged on its doorstep, the tiny shop continued to sell its wares.

He stepped inside the bookshop, it was barely large enough for two aisles, stacked to the roof with
books in no discernible order. An old man was sat outside smoking and tipped his hat to Regulus as
he entered. Regulus breathed deeply, finding a shred of peace in the quiet solitude of the tiny shop.
He walked slowly through the aisles, eyes scanning the multitude of second-hand books, most of
which were in Greek. He walked into the far corner of the room, it was dark and a little chilly as
the sun didn’t quite make it in that far. He found a small collection of English books and ran his
thumb down their spines. Don Juan was there among the stack, and he pulled it out.

It reminded him of James, how James had been convinced Regulus had loved the Romantics
because he made a throwaway comment about doing a grand tour on his first night in Godric’s
Hollow. James had heard that and decided that Regulus was a poet, that he enjoyed Shelley and
Keats with no further evidence. Regulus had enough experience with men who shaped him in their
minds to fit the mould of who they wanted him to be. They never seemed to understand that he was
an empty shell, ready to fill up with whatever fantasy or desire they needed him to be. James
wanted Regulus to be a tragic Romantic poet with a head full of unwritten verses about the
meaning of life and love.

The truth was Regulus didn’t really give a shit. He knew all about poetry of course and spent many
evenings discussing the topic with his uncle, but any boy from his background had studied the
greats. Every interest he held felt like a cultivated choice to make himself more appealing, more
interesting in the minds of others. He sighed as he looked at the worn cover and felt his stomach
swoop. It had been fucking Byron that had put the first kernel of doubt into Regulus’ mind. James’
conviction that Regulus must love poetry had been the first step towards their downfall, because
Regulus knew that every declaration of love, every promise for the future, was built on a false
perception of who James wanted Regulus to be. The way Regulus had been able to sleep properly
for the first time in his life next to James didn’t matter, the flushed face and soft smiles he
managed to tease out in bed didn’t matter, the way Regulus had once again started to feel didn’t
matter, because he never trusted James’ instincts on love.

Regulus didn’t know why he did it, why he wanted the reminder, but he handed the old man
outside a few coins and shoved the book into his pack. He carried on his way through the small
stone streets, white walls reflecting the sun into Regulus eyes, reminding him he was a long way
from home. He travelled away from the village, through the rocky country towards the coast. The
houses began to thin out and eventually Regulus came upon a small cliff at the top of a hill. The
scenery opened up in front of him, small houses dotted throughout the countryside, the sea glinting
in the distance.

He sat on the rocky outcrop and watched the ancient expanse of nature that unfolded in front of
him, a cruel reminder the ugly nature humankind. In another time he’d have been lucky to be here,
he thought. The history of the place, the glittering sea that bled into the bright blue sky, the smell
of lemons and thyme on the gentle breeze. Now all he could think was that he wished it was
someone else looking across the sparkling sea, someone who could feel something, anything,
about it. He rifled through his pack and pulled out Sirius’ final letter to him, it was slightly
crumpled now, and Regulus didn’t know why he kept it. It was the last communication Sirius had
with him, it felt important, despite the anger within. The letters were slowing down and were
becoming so difficult to receive as they moved through the war. They had become precious
artefacts for each man away from home. He opened the letter and read the indignant words.

Regulus,

James told me about you and him. He hasn’t told me the whole of it, blurted it out at the end of a
letter with little explanation. I didn’t want to write to you, I’m so fucking angry but I need to get
this off my chest. I’m sorry if you felt like I abandoned you, that I could have done more. I know
that, believe me I do. I’ve hated myself for it since the moment I left. But seducing James was a
cheap shot. Did you think that you could get your retribution by damaging my best friend? Did you
think I replaced you with him and you wanted to destroy that? Even after he took you into his
home?

I don’t know what happened, I’m not sure want to. But he said it’s over. Honestly that’s not the
comfort he clearly thought it would be. Because I know James better than I even know myself. And
I care about him more than I care about myself. He doesn’t do things by halves, so if you managed
to get under his skin, he meant it. And if it’s over I have no doubt that was your doing too. I know
that you’ve broken his heart, I can feel it. He may be kind to you, he may forgive you, but I can’t.
It’s cruel, to play with a heart that’s so open.
I hope you’re okay.

Sirius

Regulus traced the ink of the last line with his finger, the last thing his brother would ever say to
him. He had thought about writing back, but he had put it off. Two weeks later news finally arrived
that Sirius was gone, it was too late. The letter was shaking in his clasp, he couldn’t feel a thing
about it, but his body was vibrating. His cheeks were wet, and his throat was sore, but he didn’t
feel a thing about it.

“There’s no point to me, no reason for my existence,” Regulus said out loud. His voice came out in
a cracked and hoarse whisper, whisked away on the rolling breeze. “Sirius, you were right. I take
and I take. I saw James and I took from him and when I realised he had started to make me fearful,
I broke his heart. I broke his heart so that he couldn’t mend mine.”

Regulus shoved the letter into his pack and his book tumbled out. He frowned at it, already
regretting the purchase. It was well worn, and its pages were yellow and dry. Regulus picked it up
and ran a thumb through its pages, flicking it back and forth until he came to a stop. He let the
book flop open in his lap and read. ‘For love is vanity, selfish in its beginning as its end, except
where ’tis a mere insanity’. Regulus only realised he was ripping the book when the sharp sound of
paper cut through the quiet atmosphere. He tore the page out of its binding, shredding it to pieces
in his hands. He took the next page and did the same, dropping the shards around him like twisted
funeral confetti. He pulled and pulled at the book, taking multiple pages away at a time until all he
was left with was the empty shell of the book and the scattered remains of an old philanderer’s
words.

Regulus didn’t have time to think, to dwell on the cavernous ghost he’d become. They were
heading into the mountains, where the winter had begun to draw in and snow covered the rocky
peaks. How he had found himself in Greece, fighting an Italian army he had no idea. Regulus
probably should have cared, should have paid attention to the whys of what they were doing. He
had come to a resolute understanding that he’d be heading into war first to protect Europe, and then
to protect Britain from invasion. But after Dunkirk, he’d stopped paying attention, stopped caring
why he was doing what he was doing. He dutifully marched through the rough terrain of Greece’s
mountains and found himself in firefights with a new enemy. He briefly wondered if this is what
the new world was, a never-ending wheel of revolving countries to battle, of far-flung regions to be
shipped to.

Regulus had been to Italy before, only as far as Turin when he was nine. He wondered if any of the
men he was shooting at were the same men he met in those osterias, were the children he played
with in a sunny plaza now trying to kill him? It wasn’t exactly the grand tour he’d envisioned. He
didn’t care. He preferred the days when his feet would become sore and blistered from marching,
when he would be pressed down against the harsh rock, shooting his rifle into the mountains. It
was on those days he didn’t think. The quiet days were the worst. Those were the times his mind
would wander to Sirius. He dreamt about him, falling from the sky. Did he die on impact? Or was
it the fire that killed him? Regulus vividly pictured Sirius stuck in his cockpit, flames and smoke
engulfing him in a slow and torturous death. He could picture it so clearly, he could feel the heat of
the flames on his body.

James also came to mind frequently. Regulus tried not to think of him, but it was impossible. He
must have heard about Sirius by now, Regulus wondered what his reaction was. They were always
so tightly bound together, pushing where the other one pulled. They were like dancing shadows
entwined from different sources of light. It might have killed him, Regulus thought, hearing that
Sirius was gone. Although Regulus assumed that news would have reached him if that were the
case. It didn’t stop that uncomfortable hop in his heart, a flea bouncing around the empty shell.
 Chapter 23
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Lily

Lily smoothed down the front of her dress and appraised herself in her bedroom mirror. The dress
was green and flowy, it had sleeves down to her wrists and was only slightly sinched under her
bust. It was not the sort of dress she was used to wearing and she frowned as she realised that even
the tent she was wearing was becoming troublesome. Lily let her gaze dart over the other items of
clothing she had strewn across her bed, new dresses that she had rapidly created for a very specific
purpose. Lily sighed and pulled the dress off over her head, she ran her fingers over the soft cotton
of the others and saw her hand begin to shake.

That had been happening more frequently and she knew the cause. Every fibre of her being was
trapped with fear, with indecision, and the unbearable feeling of barrelling along to a destination
she hadn’t decided she wanted to arrive at. Lily sighed again and picked up a dark blue dress, it
was probably slightly more forgiving she reasoned, when her bedroom door burst open.

“There you are Lily, mum-” Petunia’s words trailed off as she stared at Lily, her wide eyes
scanning Lily’s figure. Lily had screeched, maddened that her privacy had been invaded and she
quickly pulled the dress in front of herself to cover her undressed state. “Oh Lily, what have you
gone and done?” Petunia’s sullen voice ran straight through her. Lily could feel her heartrate begin
to rise and her breathing becoming laboured. She thought desperately for an excuse and her eyes
darted around the room looking for an explanation, or an escape. Petunia levelled an intense look
at her before turning on her heel and leaving the room.

“Petunia, wait!” Lily called after her, scrabbling to pull the dress over her hair. She chased Petunia
through the flat, increasingly panicked as she tried to stop her sister from spilling everything to her
mother. She was too late. Petunia was standing in the kitchen with her thunderstruck mother, jaw
agape and holding on to a pot of tea. Lily whipped her head between the two women, it felt like
everything was falling apart all too quickly, she hadn’t had time to think of a solution, to find a way
to break the news.

“Please tell me she’s lying,” her mother said in a tense voice. Lily opened her mouth to speak, to
deny what Petunia had undoubtedly told their mother, but she couldn’t find the words. They stared
at each other as a tense moment of silence drew out between them and time seemed to have
completely stopped. Her mother’s thunderous glare was interrupted when Lily’s father walked into
the kitchen.

“What’s going on here?” he asked as he made his way over to the counter to pick up a mug.

“Are you going to tell him?” her mother said in a cold voice.

Lily shook her head, her eyes were filling with tears and she could feel every semblance of control
slipping through her fingers.

“Tell me what?”

Lily’s mother turned to face her husband, and Lily could do nothing to stop it. “Your daughter is
pregnant,” she said simply. Lily heard a crash, it could have been the last fragment of hope, or
maybe it was just the mug that had slipped out of her father’s hand. He turned to look at her, denial
evident in every line of his face.

“She’s lying Lily, isn’t she?” he said in a small voice. “My little girl is not...” his voice trailed off
as he caught eyes with Lily, tears had begun to stream down her face. She watched him with a
desperate panic, silently pleading for him to understand. Lily saw the moment her father’s flimsy
resolve gave in and he pulled his eyes away from his daughter and turned his back to her, staring
out the kitchen window.

“Who’s is it?” her mother snapped.

“Dad, dad look at me,” Lily begged, ignoring her mother’s question. Her father didn’t turn to face
her, his shoulders slumped but he didn’t turn to meet her eye.

“Lily, which boy did this to you? I can’t believe you’d let yourself…” Lily didn’t stick around to
hear any more, she turned and sprinted back to her bedroom slamming the door and collapsing on
the other side. Her whole body was heaving with tears and she scraped her fingernails against the
hard floorboards beneath her. She placed a tentative hand on her stomach, it was hard and round
and was now quite unmistakable. She didn’t know what to think about it, how to feel other than
entirely powerless.

Lily sat against her bedroom door even as her mother pounded on the other side, crying as if Lily
had done something egregiously and specifically insulting to her. She couldn’t hear her father’s
voice and could only assume he’d left or lapsed into silence as he always did at the mere hint of
confrontation. Eventually, Lily had enough of the screeching, the room had become unbearably
stuffy and she could barely string a thought together. She opened the door fully preparing to storm
right out of the flat and away from the hysteria. She had made it to the front door, past her crying
mother and sour faced sister when she heard her father’s voice.

“Lily. Come here a moment,” he said with uncharacteristic seriousness. Lily turned and faced him,
he was sitting in an armchair with a large glass of scotch in his hand. He was facing the window
and hadn’t turned to look at her. She tentatively walked over to the adjoining sofa and perched on
the edge, ready for a quick escape.

“Lily. Your mother and I are very disappointed in you,” he begun, Lily felt the sharp sting of pain
in her chest at the words. “But you’re not the first girl to get in to trouble and we will deal with
this.”

“Deal with it?” Lily asked nervously.

“Yes,” her father continued, still not meeting her eye. “There’s a place out west. You’ll head there,
we’ll say you’ve gone to visit relatives. When you return no one will be the wiser.”

Lily swallowed and furrowed her brows as she tried to make sense of what her father was saying.
She did have distant relatives in Cornwall, but none that she had ever met. “What about the baby?”
she asked.

Her father finally turned to look at her, a furious gleam in his eye that left Lily cowering, she had
never seen such an expression on him before. “The baby will stay there, and we’ll hear no more
about it,” he said firmly and unwaveringly. Lily’s throat grew tight as she finally understood what
he was saying. The truth was she didn’t know what she was doing, she hadn’t even known if she
wanted to keep it. She’d heard of places girls went to for terminations, although she suspected she
was already too far gone for that. But leaving a child behind, with some strange relatives, or an
orphanage? Suddenly Lily knew with all certainty that as much as she had no earthly clue what she
was doing, she would not allow that.

“No,” she said firmly. “I’m keeping it.”

“No?” Her father replied. “Lily you don’t have a choice here. I’ve made my decision and that’s
that.”

“No, you can’t force me to do anything,” Lily replied, her voice wavering slightly with emotion.

“I can and I will. It doesn’t matter how old you are, there are ways to get this dealt with. You’re a
nineteen-year-old unmarried girl, my word is final. And my word will be the only one that counts if
you try to stop this. I can and will get you committed.”

The breath exited Lily’s lungs as if she’d been punched in the chest. The callous words had
tumbled from her father’s mouth so easily, she had never believed he’d be capable of such cruelty.
She watched him with shimmering eyes, silently pleading for a shred of kindness. He didn’t waver,
the cruel anger set into his face. Lily glanced behind him, to where her mother and sister were now
framing him behind the armchair, matching expressions of distain on their faces. Lily shook her
head and felt the urgent panic and need to escape embed itself into her muscles. She sprung out of
her chair and propelled herself towards the door.

No one tried to stop her, they knew she had no power, no choice in the matter. She flew out of the
flat and into the street below. Before she even had time to think she began sprinting towards the
manor, to the only haven she knew, towards Remus. She cut across the fields, her skirts pulled up
to her thighs as her legs pummelled beneath her. She launched herself over several small stone
walls as if she were being chased, she felt like she was. She startled several cows as she launched
herself through their fields and finally reached the edge of the Potters' property.

Lily didn’t stop for breath as she ran towards Remus’ cottage, she came to a skidding halt at his
door and began hammering. She gasped large gulps of air and swept her hair away from her sweaty
face as she continued to bang on the front door of the cottage, to no reply. He must be working, she
realised. She turned on her heel, heading up towards the manor and checking each field on her
way. Eventually she made it to the stables and spotted the doors were wide open. She ran to the
entrance and looked around wildly, seeing nothing but a few disgruntled horses.

“Lily?” Remus’ voice came from the gloom of the stables. His figure emerged slowly, taking in
her frantic state. “Lily, what’s happened? Is it James?” The panic in his voice was clear, and Lily
immediately felt a surge of guilt for the concern she was giving him. He’d only just managed to
start working again, and here she was panicking him.

“No!” she cried, louder than intended. “No, James is fine… I think. This isn’t about him.” She
stopped for a moment and tried to gather her breath, unsure of where to start. Why was she even
here? What could Remus do to help her? All she knew was that it was her first instinct to run to
him, to seek out his protective, kind embrace. She launched herself forward and flung her arms
around him, burying her face into his jumper. Remus wrapped his arms around her unquestioningly
and ran a hand through her long hair, sweeping it from her face.

“Lily, please tell me. You’re scaring me,” he said in a small voice.

“I…” she began in a terrified voice, muffled by his woollen jumper. “The thing is… do you
remember when you saw me leave the hideaway that morning a few months ago?”

“Yes,” Remus said, his confusion still evident.

“Well…” Lily took a deep breath and untangled herself from Remus’ embrace she stood back
slightly and looked him in the eye before reaching a hand down to her stomach. Her loose-fitting
dress pulled against her stomach, revealing the small bump beneath. Remus’ eyes darted down and
his brows furrowed for a second in confusion before realisation dawned on him. Shock flittered
across his face before he looked up to meet Lily’s eye, one look at her and his gazed softened into a
deep sympathy. He didn’t say anything but pulled Lily in to another tight hug, clutching her tight to
him. After a moment he let go and let her step back but he kept his steady hands on her shoulders.

“Oh Lily, this is…” he trailed off, clearly not sure of how to finish. Lily nodded and let out a
hysterical laugh between sobs.

“I know. I don’t know what I’m doing,” she said. “My parents just found out and I didn’t know
where to go, what to do, so I just ran here. I’m sorry Remus, I shouldn’t be burdening you with
this.”

“Shh. No Lily, thank you for coming. This is okay, we’ll work this out. What did they say?”
Remus said in a soothing tone.

“They said they’re going to take him away.”

“Him?” Remus asked.

“Oh I don’t know, I just have a feeling,” Lily replied. Truthfully, Lily hadn’t realised that she had
an inkling that it would be a boy, it just felt right when she had said it.

“They can’t do that, you’re nearly twenty,” Remus said, a tightness drew across his features.

“They can, they threatened to… they can get the doctors to say I’m unfit. To force me,” she said.
Remus inhaled sharply; the cruelty of her parents was clearly evident to him.

“Oh Lily,” he said, rubbing a hand over his face. “And you want to keep it?”

Lily hesitated, slightly shocked by his directness, she didn’t answer for a moment as she took in the
question.

“Because it’s okay if you don’t. There are people we can go to, there’s no shame in it Lily,” he said
earnestly. Lily nodded and smiled at him.

“I know, yes. I don’t have fucking clue if I’m being honest Moony. I don’t know what I’m doing
here, I don’t know how I’ve ended up in this position. I don’t fucking know why I’m worrying
about this when the world is ending and all I can think about is myself,” the words tumbled out of
her, and once she’d started, she realised she couldn’t stop. Her voice grew in pitch and volume and
for the first time since she realised she was pregnant, she finally allowed herself to confront the
fact that it was actually happening. “I want to go to London and do my dressmaking course, I want
to live in a flat with Regulus and go out dancing. I want to have lovers and find enduring love, I
want to travel away from this tiny fucking village. I want to be free to make one singular choice in
my fucking life that is just for me,” she stopped and gasped, clutching a hand to her stomach with
tears were streaming down her cheeks. “And I really really want to keep him, I want to be his
mother too. I want it all, and it’s not fucking fair that I can’t. It’s not fair that this this thing inside
me can make me so happy but also so fucking resentful. And now I might not even have that!
Because they’re going to take him away! They’re going to…” Lily finally ran out of breath and
began heaving sobs, she bent over and clasped her chest as she tried to quell the rising panic within
her.
She felt Remus’ firm grip around her as he once again held her close. He was cooing soothing
sounds against her head and rocking her gently as if she were a small child. “It’s going to be okay, I
promise it will be,” he hummed in a quiet, calm voice. They stayed like that for a few minutes until
Lily had gained control of her breathing and had stopped sobbing so violently. She wiped her
cheeks with her hands and sniffed. She felt Remus stiffen slightly around her and he suddenly let
her go. She looked up in confusion as he paced the stables, running his hand through his hair and
concentrating on the ground as if working out a complicated maths problem. Eventually he turned
to face her and looked her directly in her eye.

“They can force you to give him up because you’re unmarried, right?” he said. Lily nodded and
frowned at him, puzzled as to where he was going with this.

“Yes, but if you’re saying what I think you are its no use. James wouldn’t be back before the baby
is born. Even if he was, I don’t want to marry him. I… its complicated but I know he would do it.
He’d do it for my sake and the child’s sake, and it would make us all miserable in the end.” Remus
shook his head as she spoke.

“No, that’s not what I meant. You don’t have to marry James,” he said simply. Lily watched him,
more confused than ever as a soft smile tugged at Remus lips. He opened his arms wide,
presenting himself to her and shrugged. “So, marry me,” he said as if was the simplest thing in the
world. Lily felt her breath leave her in one sharp gust for the second time that day. She struggled to
form a sentence as the reality of what Remus was suggesting settled.

“Remus, no,” she said quietly. “That’s not fair to you, I can’t ask that-”

“You’re not asking, I am,” he interrupted. “Besides, it’s not like I’m going to marry anyone else.”

“You might,” Lily said. A deep sadness settled in Remus’ features.

“No,” he said after a moment. His voice almost inaudibly quiet. “I’ve already found my love. There
will only ever be one person for me.”

Lily inhaled sharply and watched him with shimmering eyes. His eyes were also filling up with
tears despite the soothing smile on his face.

“You’d really do that for me?” she finally managed to breath out.

Remus nodded and stepped towards her. “When you decide you want out, if you meet someone, or
for any reason. I will give you a divorce. But until then, you’ll be safe.”

Lily wiped her face again and looked at him, quite unable to believe the depths of his generosity,
and equally unsure if she should accept it.

“Lily, believe it or not, I do love you. I’d do anything to keep you safe,” he said. “Actually… hold
on.” Remus bent down onto one knee, grimacing slightly as he felt the twinge in his hip. “Lily
Evans will… no wait,” he interrupted himself again and quickly looked around himself. He picked
up a piece of straw from the ground and twisted it around itself into a knot, into the shape of a ring.
He held the makeshift ring in front of himself and held it up. “Lily Evans, will you please do me
the honour of becoming my wife?”

Lily looked down at him, tears were now streaming down her face. She sniffed as she choked back
either a sob or a laugh, possibly both.

“Yes, Remus Lupin. I will marry you.”

Remus broke out in a wide grin. He stood up and wrapped his arms around her.

“Thank you Remus, I don’t know how I’m ever going to repay you,” she sobbed as she clutched
onto his tall frame. Remus held her tighter and stroked her hair.

“It’s going to be okay Lily.”

She nodded against his chest and she could feel her staggered breathing as she choked back a quiet
sob. They held onto each other for several long minutes, silent except for their mutual sniffling and
the gentle braying from the horses around them.

Remus and Lily got married that morning. It was a cold but sunny day and they had walked into
town together, Remus’ firm comforting hand clutching Lily’s as they approached the village hall.
Lily looked around herself nervously, expecting her family to pop out at any moment and stop
them.

“Are you sure about this?” Remus asked before they entered.

“Are you?” she replied. Remus gave her a penetrating look and nodded sincerely. “Lily I’m a mess.
Since Sirius…” he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. “Since Sirius died, I
haven’t been able to get out of bed. You helped me. Let me help you now.”

Lily grasped Remus’ hand and nodded, fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill even
after an entire morning of weeping. Hand in hand they walked into the village hall and walked out
as husband and wife.

They approached Lily’s tailor shop and looked up at the flat above. Lily knew what she had to do,
but even with the paperwork signed, and her fate sealed, she still felt shockingly scared to face the
unforgiving expressions of her family. Remus squeezed her hand reassuringly, and she managed to
gather the courage to walk through the door and up the stairs to her family’s home. She entered
with a nervous step and saw that the living room was empty. She hurried through, attempting to
reach her bedroom and pack her things before she was spotted.

“Lily!” her mother’s shrill voice called out as she darted past the kitchen. She stopped and sighed
heavily, she would have to get this over and done with one way or another. She turned and stood in
the kitchen doorway, not willing to enter any further. Her mother was standing by the sink while
her father and Petunia were sitting around the kitchen table.

“If you’re quite done with your tantrum, we’ll start planning for you to leave. Best to start packing
now.” Lily took the opportunity and ran to her bedroom, she grabbed a few large carpetbags and
stuffed as much as she could into each. She’d have to come back for her sewing materials, but she
packed as much as she could without the seams of her bags splitting before making her way
through the flat again. She took a deep breath and stepped back into the kitchen.

“I’m off then,” she said in a shaky voice, clutching her hastily packed bags in front of her. She was
met by three unscrupulous faces and she bit her lip, hoping for an apology, a shred of kindness.

“Off where? We haven’t made the arrangements yet,” her sister’s shrill voice cut across the silence
of the room.

“To Remus’,” Lily said. All three mouths opened in surprise as realisation dawned on them all.

“That farm hand at the Potters? That’s the bloke?” her father said in an unbelieving tone. Lily
frowned; she didn’t want to lie but she didn’t think they deserved the full truth either. Before she
could say anything in reply, Remus’ tall and steady presence stepped besides her. He wrapped a
tight arm around her shoulders and Lily watched as he gazed at her family with unwavering
confidence.

“Hello Mr Evans, Mrs Evans,” he said in a clear deep voice. Lily was pleased he appeared to have
decided to ignore her sister. “I’m just here to take Lily home.”

“She is not going anywhere with you,” Lily’s father’s face was red with anger and indignation.
“Who do you think you are coming into my house and speaking to me like that.”

“I’m Lily’s husband, and we will be leaving now,” Remus said firmly. Lily stopped only long
enough to see the matching faces of shock and horror across her entire family’s face, and a small
part of her rather enjoyed seeing their indignation so clearly displayed. Lily took in the scene for a
split second before Remus grabbed her hand and pulled her away from the kitchen, down the stairs
and out into the street below.

Lily arrived at Remus’ cottage quite unsure of what to do with herself. She had entirely invited
herself into Remus’ life. He was grieving and she had swanned in and demanded he take care of
her. She already felt incredibly guilty, and the shame only solidified further when Remus began
shifting his belongings out of his bedroom and into a smaller box room.

“What are you doing?” she asked as he began pulling jumpers from an old oak chest.

“I’m moving into my old room, you can have this one,” he said simply, with very little fanfare.

“Remus, stop it.” Lily said, grabbing his jumpers and pushing them back into the drawers.
“You’ve done enough, you’re not giving me your bedroom too.” Remus stopped what he was
doing and looked up at her with a disgruntled expression.

“Lily, we’re not about to have a fight about this. You’re pregnant, you’re having this room.
Besides, there’s space for a cot in here too, it just makes sense.”

“No! Remus-”

“Lily!” Remus raised his voice in annoyance and began pulling his jumpers out again. “It’s my
cottage and that’s that,” he said rather gruffly. Lily found herself muted by his harsh tone. Remus
picked up the stack of clothes he had compiled and looked at her again. “We can decorate it, make
it nice for the kid,” he said in a softer voice before kissing her on the forehead. Remus spent the
rest of the afternoon cleaning the bedrooms and moving them around, Lily couldn’t stop that
intense feeling of guilt and so busied herself by cooking a large lamb stew and several loaves of
bread.

Once Remus was finally done with the rooms upstairs, he walked into the kitchen and breathed in
deeply. “That smells incredible, you didn’t have to cook,” he said.

“It’s our wedding day after all,” Lily said with a huff of laughter. Remus’ eyes crinkled at the edges
as he took her in.

“Blimey I guess it is.”

Lily and Remus ate their dinner on the sofa by the fire sat in a comfortable, if slightly strange,
silence. Lily couldn’t understand how in the space of a day, her life had been so completely
upended. She did however feel like she was breathing properly for the first time in months, the
rising dread of knowing that the truth of her situation would come out eventually had finally began
to ebb away.

“Are you going to tell him?” Remus said after a while, breaking the quiet.

“James?” Lily asked, frowning into her bowl.

“Yeah,”

“I… yes. I don’t want to keep it from him. But it’s tricky… you know what he’s like. He’ll want to
do the right thing; he’ll twist himself into knots by not being here.”

“It might make it easier on him, knowing I’m here for you?” Remus suggested.

“Yes, I suppose. I am going to tell him, I’ll write him a letter,” Lily said. “But let’s not tell the
Potters yet, not about who the father is. As long as that’s okay with you of course?” she added
hastily.

Remus frowned and was silent for a few moments, considering what she was asking. “They’ll
assume that it’s mine. If I don’t tell them, well it will be basically confirming that,” he said, as if
piecing together a difficult problem. “I don’t like lying to them. But of course if that’s what you
want then that’s what we’ll do.”

Lily swallowed and nodded. “Thank you, Remus, it won’t be for long. Just until I know that James
knows. I don’t want him to be the last to find out.”

That evening Lily sat at the small dining table in the cottage, finally prepared to write the letter
that she had been putting off for months. Remus had headed out to the Potters, to let them know
about her moving into the cottage. How on earth he was going to explain that away with the
timings of Sirius’ disappearance, Lily had no idea. But he had seemed confident enough as he
pulled on his thick coat and flat cap and headed off to the manor.

Lily looked down at the blank piece of paper in front of her, surrounded by the scrunched up
remains of the first few attempts she had made. She just had to say it, she needed it done.

James,

I hope you are well. I’ve heard you’re in North Africa, I can’t imagine what you’re going through,
especially after the news about Sirius. What’s it like over there? I can’t imagine being somewhere
so far away, is it very different?

I am writing to I need to tell you something about that night we spent down by the lake. I am
having a baby. It’s yours.

I know this must come as a shock and I’m so sorry to have to tell you through a letter. Everything is
okay though, if you want to know him (I don’t know it’s a boy, just a feeling), then he’ll be waiting
for you when you return. If you don’t, that’s fine too. I’ve decided to keep him on my own and I’m
going to raise him by myself too. Just know that there will be no hard feelings whatever you decide.

Actually, I’m not entirely on my own at the moment. That’s the other thing I wanted to tell you.
There was some trouble with my family and to make a long story short, Remus has taken me in. We
got married this morning at the village hall. I didn’t want you to hear about it and make
assumptions. He’s saved me from a very tricky spot, the baby isn’t his.

I know this is all a lot to take in. I understand if it takes a while for you to write back with
 everything that’s happening.

Stay safe James.

Yours,

Lily

Chapter End Notes

Don't worry we are getting back to the James and Reg POVs!
 Chapter 24

James

James walked briskly through the bustling streets of Cairo, Frank tight to his side as they strode
through the narrow alleys and lanes looking for a bar. The tall buildings and bright stone gleamed
in the winter sunlight. James swept past swaths of cafes, shops, and market stalls that were
weighed down by fruit and vegetables, beautiful fabrics, and twinkling jewellery. The streets were
loud with activity, animals were being led through on their way to market, children played among
the legs of women rushing through the crowds, soldiers lounged lazily against the high buildings
and smoked. There was an intoxicating smell of sweetness mixed with spice that James had come
to be familiar with in his short time in Egypt. The taste of cumin, cardamom, and saffron was so
unfamiliar to him and so addictive that during long nights in the desert he longed for a return to
Cairo in order to get another taste.

James and Frank finally spotted the bar they were looking for, thin silk sheets draped the entryway,
and they pushed past into the dark din within. They’d had to get used to seeking out these
establishments when they could, on arriving in the country they quickly discovered that not every
village had a dozen pubs on each road like it did back home. They found themselves a seat in the
corner of the elaboratively decorated bar, it was early but there were already throngs of soldiers and
travellers milling about. A loud group of Australian soldiers sat a few tables down, James kept his
head down. He didn’t mind the playful banter from the Aussies, but he had just returned from three
weeks in the desert and his nerves were a bit shot. A tall bright-eyed waitress made her way over to
their table, they both ordered scotch and James eagerly enquired about what food they had. His
mouth started watering at the mention of ful and flatbread and he eagerly ordered more than
enough for the both of them. Frank huffed a laugh at his childlike glee at the new food and settled
back into his seat, arm slung over the back of his chair as he looked around the room, assessing the
crowd.

“Cheers,” Frank said after the food and drinks arrived, lifting his glass to James’. James returned
the gesture and began to tuck in. “Got any word from home yet?” Frank asked. They’d been so
isolated for the past month or so they’d only managed to collect their post that morning as they
arrived back in Cairo.

James frowned around a mouthful of flatbread. “No, nothing,” he said glumly. “The lady at the
office said it’s not likely coming either. A bloody postal ship went down, u-bomb, took most of the
mail for the last month with it.” He frowned at the thought, he had been so looking forward to
hearing any word from home, to know how Remus was holding up, if there was any news about
Sirius. It had been keeping him going as the sun beat down on his skin and he struggled to breath
in the waves of sand that were blown against his face. The terrain had been extremely difficult, he
was unused to the heat, and the Italians had put up a strong resistance. They had managed to push
them back however and were preparing for a new wave of offence the next week. Their break in
Cairo was much needed and fully embraced.

A young Egyptian man was standing by the bar, leaning on it nonchalantly while sipping a tall
drink. He wore dark blue trousers and a light shirt, open at the collar and with its sleeves rolled up.
James felt his eyes flicker to him every few minutes throughout the evening. He wasn’t with
anyone and had a rather gloomy look on his face. There was something so familiar about him,
James thought, and the idea bothered him as he tried to pin it down.

“Enjoying the view?” Frank’s voice shook him from his thoughts, and he turned to see a sly grin
spread over the other man’s face. He quirked an eyebrow towards James and looked over to the
young man. James huffed and slunk down into his seat further.

“Shut up,” he said gruffly. “Nothing like that, he’s familiar is all.” And very good-looking, yes, but
James was sure it wasn’t just that that was interesting him. He slung back his drink and beckoned
the waitress over, sneaking another look at the man. He had dark skin, curly hair that flopped down
past his ears. He was slim and reclined against the bar with a natural grace. It was in his eyes,
James realised, his long, elegant eyelashes, his heavy-lidded expression, and his full, dark brows. It
was the eyes James recognised; they were Regulus’s. James felt his heart skip and he inhaled with
the realisation. He darted his gaze away quickly and shifted his chair to firmly put the young man
behind him. Frank’s expression had moved from amusement to mild concern.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, fine,” James replied. “Just a bit pissed I got no letters.” It wasn’t a total lie; he was furious
that his post was now lying at the bottom of the ocean.

“Yeah,” Frank agreed. “I haven’t heard anything from Alice in months, I reckon she’ll have gone
and found someone new.” James’ eyes widened in surprise.

“No, she wouldn’t have!” he said firmly. “She was gone on you, it was obvious.” Frank smiled at
him fondly. He had become as close as a brother over the past year, James relied on Frank at every
step of their journey through the war. He was always there, a steady presence by his side ready to
laugh with him, ready to console him, and ready to fight alongside him. He was there for James
when news came of Sirius’ plane being shot down, and Frank didn’t try to convince James he was
wrong about Sirius being alive like everyone else did. He could tell in his sympathetic wince that
Frank didn’t really believe it, but he allowed James to keep his faith. And if James had faith in
anything, it was in Sirius Black.

He was sure that Sirius was going to resurface somewhere with an unbelievable story to tell and
that trademark grin plastered on his face. James had thought about writing to Regulus when he
heard the news, but he had resisted. Getting letters from home was difficult enough, sending them
to other regiments was even tougher. He had some idea that Regulus was in Greece but knew
nothing more than that. He had thought about Regulus often, a sharp pain shot through his breast
at each reminder. Even as he tried to push the memories and uncomfortable emotions down,
Regulus always found a way to resurface. In a dream, in an errant thought, in the face of a stranger.

He thought about writing to Lily, he wasn’t sure what to say. Even months later he still felt a pang
of shame at the way he had treated her. He knew that she said that she was fine with the way things
played out, and he didn’t disbelieve her. James had buried himself into her embrace and didn’t
regret it for a moment. But it was unorthodox, he felt like there should be bad blood between them.
Surely she was supposed to be angry at him? He’d slept with her and then proceeded to bawl about
another lover, and she had bloody comforted him. It was all rather humiliating, and so James didn’t
write to her, there wasn’t really anything left to say.

A week later James found himself on a convoy of trucks heading across the desert towards the
enemy. The landscape had shifted from the lush green valleys of the Nile delta to a harsher, rockier
terrain. They would be travelling for days before they found themselves within a hundred miles of
the Italian army. The trucks were sweaty and uncomfortable, jolting roughly against every stone
they drove over. James did his best to sleep when he could, but the rattling truck made it
impossible. He stared out across the vast desert and tried to take in the sight. The battles he’d
already fought had been so wrought with death and violence, he had never taken time to take stock
of where he was. It was a marvel, to be here, watching the shimmering sun set across vast horizons.
He wished he could have been there under any other circumstances, he wished he could appreciate
the beauty without the feeling of dread about what might be lurking over that same horizon.

They pushed the Italians back at Sidi Barrani and again at Mersa Brega. James was becoming a
skilled rifleman and had quickly learned to keep a level head when surrounded by chaos. On two
separate occasions James found himself face to face with a live grenade. Without a second’s
hesitation he grabbed the projectile and threw it overhand towards the enemy. Where others froze,
or ran, or hid, James was able to steady his breathing and act. It was a characteristic that was not
going unnoticed, and he and Frank had both quickly been promoted to corporal.

James didn’t know what to make of the promotion, he was proud of himself, and pretty pleased if
he was being honest. But he wasn’t able to marry the idea of him succeeding in war with his
desperate desire to leave, to go home and back to his simple life. Regardless, he took the praise
gladly and found himself leading a group of men into an Italian camp late at night. They wrapped
shreds of cloth around their heads to protect from the sand and better disguise themselves in the
dark before creeping into the small campsite. They attacked without hesitation, killing quite a few
and taking most prisoner. James didn’t take any joy from the acts of violence that had become so
second nature to him, he regretted each pull of the trigger even when he was hemmed in and
cowering from the rapid fire of bullets spraying around him.

Twelve months later James was still in the desert. They continuously pushed the Italians back, and
eventually the Germans when they had come to help. He had become fit, and skilled, and
something of a leader. He helped strategize manoeuvres and had become acclimatised to the dry
heat of the desert. He moved through North Africa, from Egypt and into Libya, pushing the Italians
back with each staggering move. He’d picked up a fair amount of Arabic too and was proud to be
one of the few soldiers able to have at least a basic conversation in the language.

The summer was the hardest part, he was faced with heat like he’d never experienced, and his
movements were slow and sluggish. The sun scorched his skin, and he was often blinded by the
reflection from the sand. He’d barely had any news from home, he was too far out, moving too
often. He’d received only one strange telegram from his parents, so at least he knew everyone was
alive, but nothing else.

All okay here. Lily and Remus doing well. Love you.

The short telegram was all the news he’d received, but it was enough to temper his fear. It did
nothing to help his homesickness however, he’d never been away from his family for so long, and
he dreamed of the lush green fields of Godric’s Hollow. He’d also heard no news about Regulus.
He assumed that was a good thing. Surely if he’d have been killed news would have reached him,
his parents would have thought to add it to the telegram. The nervous panic at the thought that
maybe they would not, that maybe he would finally, mercifully, return home to England only to
find out he was dead was unbearable.

James probably should have tried to forget Regulus, tried to move on even if only for a night, but
he couldn’t. He found a comfort in the dark grey eyes leading him forward, and each step he took
he thought about the fact that he was proving Regulus wrong. If they were able to win, to come out
of this war unscathed, then Regulus would surely see how wrong he’d been about their inevitable
failure. James didn’t like to think about the fact that Regulus had probably moved on himself.
Barty probably received letters from him, knew how he was, knew what sunrise greeted Regulus
every morning.

It was on a chilly morning in December 1941 that James finally received some solid news from
home. News that left him reeling, he was sure it was a mistake when he first read it. One of the
Australian privates they were camped with jogged over to him with a stack of papers.

“Oi Potter!” he called out. “You’re from Wiltshire, right?”

“Yeah,” James replied, peering up at the other man from his relaxed position next to his tent.

“Got some papers in from abroad, this one is the Wiltshire Times, thought you might want it.”

“Oh yes!” James replied gleefully. He’d had such limited communication from those back home
that even the shred of news in a paper was a godsend. He took the newspaper from the soldier and
immediately began scouring the pages. It was dated from two weeks previously and most of the
front page was covered with war updates that James skimmed over, he already knew plenty about
what was happening. He scanned through the local stories of strength through rationing, the home
front and female engineers that were keeping the factories going. He felt a pang of pride at the
thought of Mary, working in some factory and showing everyone what she was capable of. His
eyes cast down the lists of weddings and obituaries and eventually he came across a short story
with a small black and white photo attached.

It was the photo that stopped James in his tracks, it was of Remus. He was standing besides the
stables, next to Lily who had a child in her arms. They were both squinting slightly, as if the sun
had been in their eyes, and the grainy picture didn’t allow for much detail. James immediately read
the short story attached.

Resilience on the home front.

Great Britain has relied on the hard work and dedication of its legions of farmers over the course
of the war. It is these men and women who have kept our children fed throughout the harsh
realities of these troubled times. Today we highlight the good work of one such farmer, Remus
Lupin who has been the manager of the Potter Estate, Wiltshire throughout the entirety of the war
and has greatly expanded production despite strong obstacles and a lack of manpower. Lupin, of
Godric’s Hollow, stated that his hard work was only possible due to the support of his community
and the help of three members of the Women’s Land Army who have settled into farm life with
enthusiastic ease. It is this dedicated and often overlooked service that is keeping the gears of
Britain’s war machine turning. Lupin is pictured below with his wife, Lily Lupin and son, Harry
Lupin.

James blinked and looked at the paper, he pushed his glasses up his nose and squinted at the small
black text, sure that he had misread. ‘Wife’, ‘son’, ‘Lupin’, the words were clear and there was no
escaping the small child in Lily’s arms. James slumped back in shock and wiped a hand over his
face, he stared out across the camp, soldiers milled about, making the most out of their brief
respite. James’ head was a jumble, he couldn’t make sense of any of it. Remus and Lily married?
With a son? He frowned and stared at the grainy picture, wishing it was clearer so he could make
out more details. They were both smiling, the child was wrapped in a white blanket with only its
head and a small shock of dark hair popping out the top.

“Alright Jamie?” Frank asked, making his way across the camp with a canteen of tea. He sat next
to James and poured themselves both a cup, retrieving a few digestive biscuits from his pack and
apparently entirely unaware of James’ dumbstruck state. He took a sip of his tea and paused when
his eyes finally darted up and caught sight of James’ ashen face. “What’s up?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” James replied, thunderstruck. “My mate from home, he got married apparently.
Has a kid.”

“Oh, congratulations,” Frank said. James shook his head and looked at Frank properly.
“No, I mean yes, I guess it’s good? But I would never have thought… You know my brother,
Sirius?” James said.

“Sure, the one in the RAF?” Frank had gotten used to not referring to Sirius in the past tense, he
knew James would only start an argument over it.

“Yeah, Remus, my mate who got married, well him and Sirius were…” James trailed off. Frank
had been awfully good about finding out about James’ inclinations, but he still found it a rather
difficult topic to bring up. “They were together. And now he has a child with Lily who-”

“That lass from home you told me about?” Frank said, his brows furrowing with understanding.
James nodded. “Ah, sorry mate. I thought you said you and her were a onetime thing though?”

“Oh yes, it’s not that. But the boy, he looks like he’s about one. Remus must have moved on
immediately after… well after Sirius’ plane went down.” James frowned and felt a surge of anger,
finally putting a finger on why he was so thrown by this news. “He didn’t even wait, he just
accepted that Sirius was dead and moved on. I… I can’t understand it. I haven’t given up. Dunkirk
was over a year and a half ago and I still think about Reg-” James stopped his monologue and
looked up to Frank with shimmering eyes. Frank watched him with sympathy, he’d so often had to
be the voice of reason or comfort for James, he was beginning to feel guilty about always
offloading on him like this. Also, he hadn’t exactly told Frank about what happened between him
and Regulus. Frank knew he liked men sure, but he had steadfastly avoided the topic when he
could.

“That’s tough mate,” Frank said after a moment, placing a comforting hand on James’ shoulder.
“Thing is, and I’m sorry to say this, I really am, but it is quite likely that Sirius is gone.” Frank
lifted his hands in a placating gesture at the dark look James shot his way. “Listen, I’m sorry but
you must know it’s a possibility, a likely one. And, well if this Remus bloke has managed to find
love among the heartbreak, surely that’s a good thing? Sirius would understand.” James was
getting annoyed now. He stood and brushed the sand off his trousers.

“No. Sirius wouldn’t give up that easily. And neither would I. He can play happy families all he
wants, but its fucking weak.” James snapped he started to storm off but immediately felt guilty at
the rough way he spoke to Frank. He stopped and turned to face the other man who smiled at him
softly. “Sorry Frank,” he mumbled.

“It’s alright, now come drink your tea before it gets cold.” James gave in and returned to his seat
next to Frank, taking a bite of the crumbly biscuit handed to him. He peered at the photo in the
paper again, his heart full of anger and confusion. James knew that it wasn’t their fault he was
barely receiving mail, and he hoped that Remus had thought to write to him. But the nervous
feeling that maybe he hadn’t wanted James to know and that’s why he hadn’t written edged its way
into James’ head. Remus was his oldest friend; it didn’t seem possible for him to behave so
callously. But two years away can change a lot in a person, and maybe James didn’t know him, or
his relationship with Sirius, as well as he thought he did.
 Chapter 25

Mary

Mary pressed her weight against the large sheet of metal, bending it around a wooden frame. She
placed a clamp on its edge and tightened it quickly, using her weight to push the mechanism into
place. Once she had attached three more clamps, she picked up her large hand-held drill and
flipped down her visor. Sparks flew across the factory floor as she drilled a neat row of holes into
the metal, the loud screeching sound blending in with the loud echoes of machinery surrounding
her. Once she had placed the final hole, she put down her drill and took off her mask. She stood
back, admiring her work and wiped her forehead, beads of sweat had begun trickling down her
temple. She was used to this, by now. Long days in the factory, with dozens of other women all
working together to construct the aircraft and machinery of the war.

Mary glanced at the clock just as a loud buzzer rang out across the wide factory floor, indicating
shift change. Mary let out a tired sigh and threw down the rag that was tucked into her back pocket,
removed her tool belt, and made her way to the changing room to collect her things.

“Alright Mary,” Julie, one of the other factory workers called out to her. “Fancy a drink?”

“Can’t. Sorry Julie,” Mary replied. “Heading back to Godric’s Hollow for the afternoon.” Julie
nodded understandingly and waved goodbye before heading off with a few other ladies. Mary
sighed and began pulling off her overalls to change into the dark blue dress she had stored away.
She opened her small locker to gather her things and caught sight of herself in the small mirror she
had placed in the door. She often surprised herself these days, the face looking back was so
different than it had been before the war. She had never left the house without makeup before, now
she just didn’t have the time. She didn’t have time to get her hair done as often either, so she took
care of it the best she could before wrapping it in a bandana. Her face had thinned slightly, losing
that sweet roundness that came with youth. She didn’t mind it really, she thought. She felt like she
was finally looking into the face of a woman, not a girl. Although she wasn’t about to throw away
her makeup entirely, she still very much enjoyed dolling up when she had the opportunity.

Tonight was one such opportunity, she was spending a rare evening at the pub in Godric’s Hollow.
Not exactly the opera, but spare time was difficult to come by these days. Lily and Remus also had
precious little opportunity to go to the pub, get drunk in the hideaway, or do any of the things they
used to do, since Harry arrived. Mary sighed deeply and began applying her lipstick, a bright red
hue that complimented her dark skin. She primped herself as much as she could before leaving the
factory and jumping on a bus to Godric’s Hollow. It wasn’t too far, less than an hour, but the
distance seemed unbridgeable sometimes.

When the small bus finally trundled into Godric’s Hollow, she stepped off and breathed the
country air deeply, she’d always miss this place. Her first stop was her parents’ house, a small
cottage at the edge of the village.

“Hiya love,” her mother called out to her from the garden as Mary swung through the house,
immediately feeling like a teenager again. It was funny that, how in Bath she felt like a grown
woman, learning engineering and living on her own, but as soon as she stepped back in her home,
she was a child again.

“Hi mum,” Mary called back before leaning down to kiss her mother on the cheek. “Where’s dad?”

“Still at the garage,” her mum said. “There’s some dinner on the stove.” Mary nodded, her father
had been spending more and more time at work these days. She was sure it was needed, with the
increased production on the farms, it was likely that the machinery needed a heightened level of
upkeep. But Mary couldn’t help but think that part of his unending dedication to his work was his
trying to feel useful. Her father was still fairly young, only forty-two, and could have been called
up if it wasn’t for his bad knee. Mary got the impression that it was a great disappointment to her
father that he had been deemed too ‘weak’ for service. Mary’s success in her role as an engineer
probably didn’t help his feeling of inadequacy.

Mary did feel bad, he was her father after all. But she also had very little tolerance for men’s
inability to just fucking deal with things. She often felt that men were far more sensitive than
women, and far weaker overall. They just didn’t couldn’t process their feelings in the same way.
They keep all those uncomfortable, horrible emotions penned in until eventually it explodes, either
through an inappropriate dedication to work or an unreasonable expectation from the women in
their lives. Women often had to play that role, Mary thought. She’d had a few boyfriends in her life
and each one had expected her to play mother, counsellor, co-conspirator, and seductress all at
once. She was frankly sick of it, she wasn’t a compilation of traits that a man might find appealing,
she was a full and flawed human being.

There was a sense of irony, Mary recognised, in her intolerance of men’s inability to confront their
emotions. She knew she had been doing exactly that for at least the past year, if not longer.
Because the thing was, she’d had one boyfriend who never treated her that way. Remus. Remus of
course was always the perfect gentlemen. He looked her in the eye when she was speaking and he
always listened carefully with a great deal of interest. He spoke his mind when he was feeling
upset or angry, but he never took it out on anyone. And during their brief teenage relationship,
Mary recalled that he was an extremely adept lover. He didn’t hold back in some faux-gentlemanly
way but nor did he ever make her feel objectified. It was incredibly sexy and probably set too high
a standard early in her life. She had been bitterly disappointed when she discovered how
thoroughly disappointing other blokes were. It was extremely problematic, how perfect Remus
was. It quite ruined Mary’s theory that men weren’t good for much, but she supposed there must
be an outlier to every rule. James probably was probably an outlier too, although he could be a bit
clueless, and a bit arrogant. Sirius was always extremely kind and funny, but he was incredibly
impulsive and had never quite lost that aristocratic vanity.

Mary ate her dinner quickly before saying goodbye to her mother and heading off towards the Bull
and Crown pub in the centre of the village. She pulled a cigarette from her bag and lit it before
entering, frowning at the dark awning across its front. Remus and Lily were the only ones left in
the village, the only ones she cared about anyway, and they were her friends. She had to get over
herself and move past their strange coupling to just be a good friend. It didn’t escape Mary’s notice
that it took an awful lot of build up to be a good friend, and that probably wasn’t a great sign. She
huffed and stubbed out her cigarette with the heel of her shoe before smoothing down her dress and
entering the pub.

“Mary!” she heard her name called out as soon as she stepped across the threshold. Lily’s dark read
hair flew towards her and in an instant Mary was wrapped up in Lily’s embrace. Lily made it
terribly easy to like her, regardless of Mary’s troublesome thoughts.

“Heya Lils, how’s it going?” she asked with a smile as Lily pulled away.

“Oh just fine, come over here. Remus got you a drink already.” The two girls made their way over
to a table in the corner of the pub. Remus was sitting at the small table, his long legs spreading out
beneath it. His face lit up when he saw Mary and he stood to greet her.

“There she is,” he said before bringing her into a tight hug and kissing her on the cheek.
“Where’s Harry?” Mary asked.

“With the Potters and the other kids, they dote on him. So, we’re all yours this evening,” Remus
said, guiding Mary down into a chair. Mary sat down and took a sip of her gin and tonic, no lime of
course, but she’d long gotten used to living without those simple luxuries.

“So, how’s everything?” Lily asked keenly. “Factory good?”

“Mmm,” Mary mumbled through a sip. “All good, great in fact. I’ve been assigned to more
complex projects now, and I think I have a real chance of making something out of it. I’m trying to
get my qualifications so that when this is all over, I can continue. Although who knows what’ll
happen when the fellas are all back. Not likely to let me take their jobs,” Mary was rambling, in
the way you do with old friends you haven’t seen in a while. It was great in one aspect, at least she
had them, and it didn’t feel awkward to unload on them like that. But also, a couple of years ago
she’d never have had to update them, they’d already have known everything going on with her.
Maybe that was just part of growing up, Mary thought, growing away from people you care about.
Maybe that’s why everyone was so obsessed with coupling up. At least then they’d have one
person stuck to their side as everyone else drifted away. Mary frowned into her drink, annoyed by
the morose train of thought.

“How are you two? Harry doing okay? And the farm?”

“Oh yes,” Lily replied. “Harry’s a gem, he’ll be turning one in a few months and-”

“I know that,” Mary interrupted.

“Sorry?” Lily asked.

“I know he’s turning one in few months. I’m your best friend, and he’s your child, I’m not going to
forget something like that.”

“Oh- yes of course Mary,” Lily said, biting her bottom lip in concern, clearly confused by Mary’s
sudden harsh tone.

“Sorry, it’s just… I’m sorry. I should be around more. I feel like I’m missing a lot.”

“No! Mary you’re not missing anything except a lot of sleepless nights, throw up, and poop,” Lily
said. She huffed a laugh when she saw Mary’s smile. “And Harry’s always going to know his
Auntie Mary, you’re his godmother after all.” Unofficially of course, they’d never actually gotten
Harry christened, but they had let Mary know in no uncertain terms that both she and Marlene were
official godmothers.

“Yes I suppose so. I’ll be honest, I think everything has been getting a bit much. When will this
bloody war end?” Mary admitted, a bit embarrassed about her outburst.

“Yes, I know exactly what you mean,” Lily said, reaching out to clasp Mary’s hand. Remus had
remined quiet during their conversation, but was watching Mary with a sympathetic eye. Mary
couldn’t stand it, the way they both sat across the table together, as if they were a united front.
Couples often had that look, pitying you as if there was some problem with not getting knocked up
at the age of twenty. Mary tried to calm her racing thoughts; she was being unkind now. She
needed some air.

“Sorry, just going to pop out for a fag,” she said quickly. Not stopping despite Remus’ objection
that she could smoke right there at the table. Mary weaved her way between the tables and out into
the cool evening air. She paced a few steps away the entrance and leaned against a short wall,
lighting up another cigarette. She was an awful person, she decided, that she was still having such
emotional reactions at the mere sight of them. They were happy, and she should be too.

“Mary?” Remus’ voice interrupted her train of thought, she looked up to see him walking towards
her slowly, head ducked down in a questioning gesture. Mary didn’t have the heart to tell him to
piss off so she smiled warmly at him.

“Hey Moony,” she said softly. He visibly relaxed at the friendly tone and made his way over her,
lighting his own cigarette and jumping up on the wall besides her.

“What’s the matter?” he asked after a moment.

“Nothing.”

“Don’t give me that shit,” he said. “Somethings wrong, and I have a feeling I’ve upset you
somehow. C’mon then, lets hear it,” he nudged her shoulder with his own, keeping the mood light
despite the heavy question.

“Oh… oh its all fine.” Mary began, she nearly laughed at Remus’ disgruntled expression, one
eyebrow raised as if to say ‘really? You’re really keeping with that story?’

“Alright, it’s mostly fine,” she laughed. “I really like the factory; the work is so interesting and it’s
good to put my brain to some use. I have nice friends there and I’m glad I can come back and visit
all the time. I’m just…” she stopped and chewed her bottom lip, looking for the words.

“Just?” Remus prompted. She looked up at him, his wide concerned eyes as interrogating as they
had ever been, brimming with genuine concern.

“Well, I guess I’m just a bit lonely,” she admitted. It was a humiliating thing to admit. “And before
you say it, not lonely for a boyfriend necessarily. Just lonely, in general. I’ll be in a group, go to the
pub or the pictures, surrounded by people and I still feel so incredibly alone. Do you ever feel like
that?”

Remus took a moment to digest what she’d said, he took a puff of his cigarette and frowned into
the distance, taking his time to seriously ponder the question. Of course he would, most people
would brush her off, give her a light platitude, of course Remus would actually listen. He had let
his beard grow in slightly, a shadow of auburn hair highlighted his sharp cheekbones and made
him seem so much of a grown man than he ever had. Although Mary supposed he had always been
the most mature out of the lot of them, the closest to adulthood even as children.

“I… well I don’t think I do.” Remus finally said, breathing out a line of smoke and turning to face
her. “But I think I understand. I’ve been lucky, I’ve always enjoyed the solitude, but I had James
and… and Sirius to ensure I never retreated too far into my isolationist ways. There’s Lily and
Harry now of course, I don’t have much room to feel lonely.” He stopped for a moment, and Mary
was slightly surprised at the lack of tact in his answer before he began again. “But you were a big
part of that too. Even as children you always pulled me out of my introspection, you never let me
get too gloomy. I used to find it so annoying,” Remus laughed, lost in a memory, “when we were
kids, you’d shout out in the middle of lessons ‘Moony’s daydreaming!’” Everyone would turn to
look and I’d get a right bollocking.”

Mary snickered at the memory; she had been rather precocious she supposed. “Sorry Moony,” she
mumbled. He shook his head and laughed again.

“Anyway, the point I’m trying to make, is that whatever impulse there is that drives me inwards, is
the same one that drives you outwards. That’s why we always got on so well, we balance each
other. So it only makes sense that you’d be feeling lonely if you’re not feeling particularly
challenged.” Remus frowned and turned to look at her again, a bright smile on his face. “Sorry, I
think that made no fucking sense.”

Mary laughed and smiled back. “Not really, no.” Remus pushed her playfully again. “I think I
know what you mean though. Remus. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” he replied.

“Why Lily?” she breathed the words quickly for fear of not being able to speak them at all. “I just
mean, after Sirius. How did… what happened there? I never really understood the full story.”
Remus’ playful expression shifted into something more sombre. He took a puff of his cigarette,
clearly stalling for time as he looked towards the pub.

“It’s a bit complicated if I’m honest Mary,” he said eventually.

“Right,” she nodded and looked down at her shoes. “Of course. I just… well I know it’s a fucking
selfish thing to say because Lily is my best friend. But I’m just trying to understand. Because I
guess I just always assumed that… well if you went for a bird it would me.” The words tumbled
out of her, pathetic and needy. Her eyes were threatening to spill with tears, and she resented every
brutal emotion. Remus inhaled sharply and looked at her, his penetrating gaze once again unnerved
her.

“Oh Mary…” he sighed. “I didn’t know that you still…” he trailed off as Mary turned away,
walking a few steps away before turning around.

“What are you talking about? I never stopped!” Mary exclaimed. Now she’d gone and done it, she
thought. She’d bottled up all her resentments and she’d finally snapped. She was disappointed in
herself even as she continued talking. “I slept with you Remus, that’s not a small thing for me. And
then you broke up with me, and I knew it was because of someone else even though you never said
it. But you were still so kind, and friendly, and you always listened to me. So I thought, well
maybe it was because we were too young? And then when you started seeing blokes, it made it
easier, because at least I couldn’t compare myself to them. And I know that’s an awful thing to say
but it’s true. I didn’t even resent Sirius if I’m being honest because I could tell how fucking in love
you were. But after all that, when I had finally patched up my heart and was prepared to move on, I
found out that you knocked up my best friend and married her without even fucking inviting me!”
The words came heaving out of Mary, she’d been waiting a long time to say them.

“Mary,” Remus said evenly, standing up to face her. He strode forwards and placed a hand on each
shoulder. “Oh Mary I’m so sorry. I had no idea you still felt… I thought it was all in the past.” He
paused and frowned deeply. Mary took the opportunity to wipe her face, humiliated by the tears
that had escaped. Remus looked extremely troubled and a bit panicked. “I know it must seem like I
just jumped into bed with Lily, but I promise, it’s more complicated than that, I just can’t tell you-

“James is Harry’s father,” Lily’s voice interrupted them. Both Mary and Remus looked up
suddenly to see Lily standing a few feet away. She’d clearly heard Mary’s tirade and Mary wanted
to die. She looked at Lily, silently pleading with her to understand and forgive her for her
selfishness. Lily didn’t look angry however, just slightly sad. Suddenly, the shock of Lily’s sudden
appearance cleared and the words she had spoken finally settled in Mary's mind.

“James is…? What?” she asked, looking between Remus and Lily. She was expecting Remus to be
equally as shocked or furious, but he simply nodded at her, he already knew.
“Come inside,” Lily said in a small voice. “I’ll explain everything.”

“So James doesn’t know?” Mary asked, slouching back in her chair and staring into the middle-
distance, entirely stunned. Lily and Remus shared an uncomfortable look before Lily answered.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I wrote to him. Told him everything, but he never wrote back. But the
Potters haven’t heard from him either, I think it must be quite difficult out there to get any post out.
So chances are, he knows and just hasn’t… well he hasn’t replied.”

Mary frowned and scanned their faces. Surely, they knew how unlikely that was, did they even
know James? He had the heart of a lion and was the only person Mary could honestly say she’d
ever met that embodied the honourable spirit most people liked to pretend they had. He had the
largest heart and would consider it the utmost dishonour to ever let down another human being, let
alone a friend.

“You think he doesn’t want anything to do with Harry?” she asked questioningly. Remus and Lily
shared another significant look. “Really?”

“I told you Lily-” Remus began.

“I know Remus.” Lily replied shortly. Clearly this was an argument they’d had before. “But there’s
always the chance. A child is a big deal, and well it would throw a bit of a spanner in the works
with Regulus wouldn’t it? I gave him the option to opt out, I can hardly blame him for taking it.”

Remus huffed incredulously, shaking his head as he took another sip from his pint. “Not a chance
Lily.”

“Either way, I’m sorry I never told you Mary. I really just wanted him to be the first to know. So
he could make a decision,” Lily continued, ignoring Remus’ disgruntled huff.

“So you two are really just…?”

“Friends,” Lily said firmly, smiling at her.

“And Harry? He thinks you’re his father?” Mary directed this at Remus. A dark shadow crossed
his face at this comment and Mary immediately knew she’d struck a nerve. Remus sighed and
looked as if he was struggling for words. Lily saw the darkness in his features and placed a
comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Well he’s too young at the moment to know much about anything. But he probably does, I’m
going to tell him though, that his real father is away, and Remus is looking after him.”

“What about his name?”

“Oh he’s not really a Lupin, neither am I. People just assume so we go with it. I’m still Lily Evans,
and… well Harry is a Potter. Officially, on the birth records. It seemed like the right thing to do at
the time but now I’m not so sure…”

“It was the right thing,” Remus said, finally looking up. “James will want to know him, I’m certain
of it.” Lily nodded but there was a deep uncertainty in her eyes. Clearly, she didn’t have the same
faith in James Potter that Remus did. Mary knew enough about men to understand Lily’s doubts,
but she struggled to picture James ever abandoning a child.

“Yes, he will. He’ll be happy you chose to give him his name,” she said firmly. She paused for a
moment as the revelation settled between them, an awkward silence drawing out across the small
group. “Listen, I’m… I’m sorry about earlier. I think everything’s just gotten a bit much recently, I
shouldn’t have taken it out on you Remus,” Mary said, meeting Remus’ eye with considerable
effort. Remus smiled back at her, a soft and slightly sad expression. He reached out and squeezed
her hand, as reassuring and understanding as ever. Lily coughed lightly and stood from the table.

“Right, I’m going to go back to the cottage. I’m sure the Potters could do with a break. Mary,
you’ll come over for breakfast tomorrow?” she asked hopefully. Mary nodded in agreement and
stood to hug Lily goodbye. As Lily breezed out of the pub, Mary was left with Remus and a cool
silence fell between them again. Mary could feel her cheeks getting warm as Remus watched her,
she had really embarrassed herself and she knew they were going to have to talk about it. She
wished she’d never opened her stupid mouth and she silently cursed Remus for making her brain
all gooey like a lovesick child.

“Mary-”

“Listen-”

Mary and Remus spoke at the same time and they both chuckled lowly, the tension easing only
slightly.

“Moony, what I said earlier… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I know what we had was a
long time ago and… well I think I’ve just been a bit lonely. Not sure what came over me.”

Remus nodded, accepting her weak excuse gallantly. He took a deep breath and took a sip of his
pint, clearly pondering his next words.

“You don’t have to be sorry Mary. I do,” he began. He raised a hand to stop Mary as she opened
her mouth to disagree. “No, I do. I treated you poorly. You’re right, we were good together, and it
was no small thing for me either. I was… well I was a stupid young boy and that’s no excuse I
know. I was so enamoured by Sirius I couldn’t think straight, so I broke up with you and still didn’t
do anything about it for three bloody years. None of it was your fault Mary, you’re wonderful.
You’re so smart, and kind, and so bloody beautiful. If I was ever going to marry a woman, of
course I’d have wanted it to be you,” he took a deep breath, not letting his gaze fall from hers. “But
the truth is I gave my heart away when I was thirteen, when I first saw him. And it left with him
when he went away. You don’t really want me, not the me that exists now. You are so brilliant,
and you deserve someone who can see that. You deserve someone who will orbit you entirely. I’m
so sorry Mary, I was so clueless.”

Mary took a moment to absorb his speech, her eyes were threatening to water, and she could see
that Remus’ had brightened too. She reached out and clasped his hand in hers.

“You’re quite right,” she said through a choked breath. “I do deserve that. But you do too. There
will be someone else-” She was interrupted by Remus firmly shaking his head.

“There won’t” he said softly. He was resigned to a lifetime of bachelorhood and Mary’s heart
ached for him.

“Okay,” she said, picking up on the fact that he clearly didn’t want convincing. “You must miss
him.”

Remus nodded and cleared his throat. He shook his head and sat back in his seat, staring across the
pub, clearly trying not to cry.
“I don’t blame you. He was bloody gorgeous,” she said lightly. Remus looked at her and let out a
small chuckle.

“As I recall, you also had your eye on him,” he said, they were both trying valiantly to bring some
humour into the conversation.

“Oh yes,” Mary replied. “Although half of that was his looks and the other half was just because it
felt like if I could get close to him I could… well I could see what it was about him you loved so
much.”

Remus raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Oh please, let’s just forget about this?” Mary said hopefully. “I’ve humiliated myself quite
enough for one night. Can we just go back to being friends and forget all about this?”

Remus smiled at her and shifted around the table so he was sitting besides her. He reached his long
arms around her and embraced her firmly. Mary let herself breath in his fresh earthy scent before
pulling away. “Of course, we’ll always be mates Mary,” Remus said.

They decided they’d had quite enough for one evening after that and made their way to the exit.
Remus hugged Mary tightly again outside the pub before heading off towards the manor. Mary
watched him leave, his hands buried into his pockets and the slight limp in his gait. She turned and
walked away from him, towards her parents' house. She took steading breaths with each step
forward. This was good, it was finally done. She had said what she’d needed to, and she’d gotten a
clear answer. It was time to let him go. She knew all these things, and she tried desperately to allow
herself to believe it. And she did believe it. Truthfully, she thought that she had probably known it
for a long time. Some small teenage part of herself had still clung to hope more as a way to hold on
to that youthful feeling of first love than the reality of what they were now.

Her cheeks were wet, and she realised she was crying. As she walked through the small dark
streets of Godric’s Hollow, she allowed herself to weep, a very rare occurrence in her life. Her
quiet crying turned to sobs and she let them flow freely, extracting every hopeful notion and
untenable picture of the future she’d so desperately clung to. By the time she’d reached her house
she had quite cried herself out. She wiped her cheeks and breathed deeply. She felt better, she
realised. It was if she’d been weighed down, stuck in place for five years and the burden had
finally been lifted, she was finally free to look forwards.

The next morning Mary made her way over to Remus and Lily’s cottage. There was a slight
awkwardness in the air as Lily poured them both some tea and explained that Remus was out on
the farm. Both women were desperately trying to return to normal, but were also pointedly
avoiding Mary’s embarrassing confession from the night before. Mary looked out the kitchen
window, the sky was a grey mass and seemed to mute the lush greens of the country. A sudden
thought occurred to her.

“What about Regulus?” she asked.

“Hmm?” Lily said, walking over with a plate of scones and homemade jam.

“You said James was in love with him? Have you told him about Harry too?”

“Oh…” Lily frowned, she looked troubled again. “No I haven’t. I figured that was something for
James to do if he wanted. I wrote to him and told him I had a son, and that I had a lot to catch him
up on when he was home. But I didn’t mention James, it’ll be hard enough for them, I don’t want
to muck it up even more.” A small crease formed in Lily’s brow as she slathered jam onto her
scone. “I have to admit it’s an odd couple, James and Reg. But as soon as I found out I realised…
well they kind of fit don’t they?”

Mary thought about it and chucked. “Yes, I suppose so. Only someone as gloomy as Regulus
would be able to counteract that amount of sunshine,” Mary laughed.

Lily scoffed through a mouthful of scone. “Oh Reg isn’t that bad. He likes to play up the sultry
mysterious act around others, but really he’s a good laugh when you get to know him.”

Mary rolled her eyes. “I’m sure,” she snickered. “Just our luck though, the pair of us mooning after
men in love with other fellas.”

“Oi!” Lily said, kicking Mary lightly under the table. “I never mooned after anyone I’ll have you
know. It is a bit funny though I suppose. Those Black brothers, there’s just no competing with
them.”

“No there isn’t,” Mary chuckled. Both women began laughing at the strange turn in their lives and
Mary felt that awful awkwardness from the previous evening lift.

“I suppose I’ll tell Marlene next time I see her,” Lily said after a moment. “Seems only fair, seeing
as you know now. I don’t think James would mind that.”

“Mmm” Mary agreed. “Mind you, I don’t know if she’d take anything in. She phoned me from the
hospital the other day. Didn’t listen to a word I was saying, too busy complaining about that
Dorcas.”

Lily laughed heartedly. “Oh no, not you too! I swear, every time I speak to her its ‘Dorcas doesn’t
let me wear shoes in the flat,’ ‘Dorcas is so annoying, she’s always singing in the bath.’ I want to
tell her to bloody get her act together and admit she’s head over heels.”

“Seriously,” Mary sighed. “No wonder her and Potter were such good mates, heads full of air, the
pair of them.” With that both women fell about laughing, and Mary felt a surge of affection for
Lily. When they had pulled themselves together Mary’s eye was drawn to movement out of the
window. Remus was heading their way across the fields. He had one of the evacuee children
hanging on his back like a rucksack, another holding his hand with Remus’ flat cap flopping over
his eyes. There was a girl dancing around them, a bunch of flowers in her hand and clearly
speaking very rapidly. Remus looked terribly flustered, but Mary recognised a slight smile in his
expression as he found himself surrounded by the excitable children. A small cry began from the
room upstairs and both Mary and Lily looked towards the ceiling.

“Harry’s awake,” Lily said.

“Let me,” Mary said quickly, jumping up from the table. “I need some bonding time with my
favourite godson.” Lily laughed as Mary bounced out of the room towards the crying child feeling
lighter than she had in months.
 Chapter 26
Chapter Notes

Apologies for the delay in posting! This is the first of two chapters I'm posting today!

Remus

Remus,

I hope all is well. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch, it’s difficult out here to get post out. I’m well.
The days are long and tiring and I’ve never felt heat quite like it. I can’t tell you too much about
my operations in case of interception, but things are going our way so far. It’s amazing out here
Remus, I wish you could see it. And the food is bloody incredible too (when we’re not on rations
that is).

I heard about Lily and the kid. That’s some news mate. If I’m honest with you Moony, I was pretty
bit pissed off when I found out. But you’ve got to count your blessings where they come these days
and a child is a miraculous thing. Looking forward to getting a drink and hearing all about what
happened there when I’m back. Please send Lily all my love too.

Sorry for the short note, I’ll try and write again soon.

Yours,

James

Remus sighed deeply as he stared at the crinkled paper in front of him. It was puzzling and Remus
wasn’t sure quite what to make of it. James seemed as warm as ever, if a little rushed but that was
to be expected. He spoke kindly of Lily and Harry, but there was a thread of coldness there too.
Why hadn’t he responded to Lily directly? He couldn’t imagine that James held any ill-will
towards her. Remus had been working under the impression that either James knew about Harry
and hadn’t had the chance to write, or the letter had gotten lost, and he was in fact clueless. The
letter he received on that brisk early spring morning provided a perplexing third option.
Apparently, James did receive the letter, and he just didn’t care that he had a son. It wasn’t
possible, Remus was sure of it. He had known James since he was old enough to know anything,
and he had never behaved dishonourably in his entire life. Remus had no idea what he was going to
say to Lily, he felt the letter left him more confused than ever.

Remus lit a cigarette and took a puff as he pondered the letter. He was sitting on a small stone wall
at the far end of the Potter’s property. The sky was a bright blue, and the fields were crisp with a
light dusting of frost. Even without the cigarette, Remus’ breath came out in pillowy white clouds.
It was early March, but the bitter chill had not yet lifted, Remus was waiting patiently for spring to
arrive and the new life it brought with it. He watched the still landscape and felt as much a part of
it as the cooing birds settling into their nests, or the young buds beginning to poke through the hard
soil. Remus exhaled heavily and jumped off the wall to make his way up to the manor.

Noise and warmth hit Remus immediately upon entering the kitchen of the manor. Bertie was busy
rushing around the kitchen preparing the Sunday roast, all four of the evacuee children seemed as
hellbent as ever to create as much noise as possible as they ran around after each other. Hannah and
Pandora were sitting at the large kitchen table cooing over Harry who was in Lily’s arms.

“Hi Remus,” Lily called with a bright smile as he took off his cap and closed the door quickly
behind him to keep the heat in. Remus smiled warmly in return and made his way over to the table,
his heart warming instantaneously at the bright grin little Harry shot his way. Harry reached out his
arms and began making grabbing motions with them, indicating he wanted picking up. Remus
gladly lifted him from Lily’s arms and began bouncing the small boy on his hip. With each wave
of joy that the child brought him, it was always accompanied by a matching wave of guilt. It
shouldn’t be him Harry was reaching for, it shouldn’t be him who was teaching him to talk, to
walk. He felt like a complete fraud, and he could only imagine the anger that would come from the
Potters when they realised James was his father.

Remus tried not to let the wave overwhelm him, and instead let himself be absorbed entirely by
Harry’s happy babbling, the sounds of the rest of the kitchen quickly ebbed away to background
noise. They’d have to tell at least Effie and Monty soon, Remus thought. It was already absurd that
they could look at Harry’s shaggy black hair, his tanned complexion that matched neither Lily nor
Remus, his mischievous smile, and not see James. It would only become more prominent the older
he got. Lily knew this too; they’d spent an increasing number of evenings going over the topic and
had always circled back to the same point. Lily wanted James to have an out, if everyone knew
before him, then it wouldn’t be fair. Remus knew that James would never want to abandon his
child, regardless of the circumstances, and most likely would not mind in the slightest that people
knew. He had to sympathise with Lily however, her own experiences with the sudden cruelty of her
parents had stung her bitterly, and she still had very limited contact with them. They’d never even
come to visit Harry. She was acting with an abundance of caution for Harry’s sake, and Remus
couldn’t really fault her for that. However, Remus knew that Lily was coming round to his point of
view and he hoped it wouldn’t be long until it was all out in the open.

Remus bobbed harry up and down in his arms as he made his way around the kitchen, he followed
Lily out of the room and up to the drawing room to find Effie and Monty together. Effie
immediately stood to embrace Harry as she did every single time she saw him. She kissed him on
the cheek and chuckled as Remus poked out his cheek for his own kiss.

A while later, Remus found himself sitting on the floor of the drawing room. Effie was sat opposite
him as they tried to coax Harry to walk between them. Harry had become more confident on his
feet and was happily able to totter between the two, their legs were spread wide and their arms
were outstretched. Harry giggled gleefully as he fell into Remus’ arms, only to be turned around
and gently prodded back to Effie.

“Come here, Harry. Come to Nana,” Effie cooed gently as Harry began making his way towards
her. Remus shot Lily a significant look. She was sitting on one of the settees with a cup of tea,
watching the proceedings. Lily cocked her head slightly in understanding. Remus knew Effie
considered Harry her grandchild because she thought he was his, and it touched him genuinely to
have her and Monty accept his own child as if it was their own. But every time she said it Remus
felt that same overwhelming twinge of guilt that had become so common over the past year and a
half.

Harry fell into Effie’s arms and she cheered, lifting him over her head as Harry giggled wildly. The
small boy obviously spotted Lily sitting behind him and began babbling “Mama, mama,” he’d only
just started speaking, and it was a matter of great excitement when he’d first reached for Lily and
called to her. Effie smiled and bounced him in her arms.

“Yes Harry, that’s mama. Hello mama,” Effie was waving to Lily who was waving back. It was
quite funny to see Effie so doting on a baby, just as kind but just slightly more unhinged than she
acted with the older children. Remus wondered if she’d ever spoken to him like that when he was
young. “And there’s dada,” Effie pointed to Remus. “Can you say dada? Dada?” she kept repeating
it over and over while pointing at Remus and he felt his neck grow hot. Harry’s bright innocent
face beamed over to him, and he wiggled out of Effie’s hold to totter over. Remus opened his arms
wide, waiting for him to cross the small stretch of carpet.

“Come on, Harry,” he encouraged.

Harry flopped into Remus’ arms and squealed when Remus flipped him upside down and around in
his arms. “Dada!” he exclaimed when he was finally righted, his small, tiny hands reached up to
clutch at Remus’ face. Remus froze, unable to believe what he’d heard. He glanced at Lily whose
mouth was agape and then at Effie who had her hands over her mouth.

“Oh well done Harry! That’s right, that’s dada,” she said excitedly. It was his second word, and it
was to the wrong man. Remus felt sick with shame. For stealing this moment, for being an
imposter, and most of all for the flip of joy his stomach did at Harry’s adoring face calling him
dad.

Harry’s words kept coming after that. He was turning into a precocious and clever toddler even at
only one and a half years old. Remus felt the bond tightening with each passing day. He fell into a
domestic routine with Lily that felt natural and shocking all at once. He would bathe Harry, read
him stories, he brought him out to the farm with him strapped to his front by a long scarf when Lily
had errands to run. He knew that he needed to create some distance, so that when James returned it
would be an easier transition, but his heart broke every time he thought about not being as close to
the child.

It was those conflicting emotions of love and shame that probably led to his emotions eventually
bubbling over. Remus was in his living room, holding Harry on his hip while he attempted to set
the table for breakfast. Lily was clattering around the kitchen and the bright spring sunshine bled
into the cottage through its small windows. Harry was babbling happily next to him, reaching his
hands out to imitate Remus’ movements.

“Dada,” he said, pointing to a shiny silver spoon. Remus picked it up and allowed Harry’s small
chubby hands to clasp it.

“Moony. Harry, can you say Moony?” Remus replied.

“Dada,” Harry smiled brighter than ever.

“Moony,” Remus repeated. He had been trying to train Harry out of calling him dad, he figured
Moony would be a suitable enough replacement without it being too harsh on the child. “Can you
say, ‘Uncle Moony’?” Harry scrunched up his face, annoyed at the conversation.

“Uncy Mooe’y” he stammered out at the spoon clattered out of his hands.

“Yes! Well done, Harry,” Remus said, pleased at the small victory. “Who’s Uncle Moony?” he
pointed to himself in a large swooping gesture.

“Uncy dada,” Harry replied pointing at Remus. Remus sighed heavily and gave up; they’d have to
keep working on it. It was exhausting, trying to convince a child to not call you dad when you were
at their birth, had been with them every day of their life, and loved them as much as if he was his
own. Remus huffed in frustration just as Lily walked in chuckling at Harry’s new nickname.
Remus handed the child over and walked into the kitchen to finish breakfast. He shoved the
scrambled eggs onto two plates, with a small serving for Harry, making more noise than was
probably necessary when scraping the pan.

“Uncle dada,” Lily laughed as she re-entered the room, apparently having placed Harry down at
the table. She took a plate from him and the pot of tea from the stovetop.

“He shouldn’t be calling me that,” Remus grumbled as he followed her back into the living room to
sit at the table.

Lily sighed heavily as she sat down. “Yes, I guess so. But you’re also the only dad he’s known, its
only natural that he-”

“But I’m not though,” Remus interrupted. “It’s ridiculous that we’d let him think that for even a
moment. James is going to return and realise that his own son thinks I’m his father, and…” Remus
was cut off by the look of slightly perturbed resignation on Lily’s face. They’d had this
conversation too often.

“Are you going to tell him that?” she asked, pointing to Harry who was happily grabbing fistfuls of
eggs and smashing them into his face. “That because you’re technically not his father, that you’re
not also his dada?”

Remus bit the inside of his cheek and watched the young boy. She was right of course; he would
always be his boy regardless of James’ intentions. Remus had so thoroughly bonded with the child
that he would never remove himself entirely from his life. “I know,” he sighed. “It just feels
shitty.”

Lily bit her lip and nodded. “Yes. I think it’s about time we told the Potter’s at least,” she said.
Remus looked up abruptly with hopeful eyes. He desperately wanted them to know, he nodded
quickly in case Lily was about to change her mind. “I’m surprised they haven’t worked it out by
now, he’s the picture of James,” Lily laughed as she wiped the corner of Harry’s mouth.

“I think that’s for the best.” Remus paused for a moment and thought about the next words he was
going to say carefully. “Lily… I hope you know that my wanting to tell them, it’s not because I
don’t love him. I’m not about to abandon you and Harry, this isn’t about that. It’s just, well I know
James is going to love him as much as we do…”

“I know that Remus,” Lily said, a kind smile tugging at her lips. “I never thought this was about
you wanting rid of us.”

Remus and Lily made their way up to the manor that evening, best to rip the bandage off they
agreed. They walked hand in hand with Harry in Remus’ arms. Remus had to admit, they looked
every bit the doting family, he could hardly blame people for believing it. Effie and Monty were
suitably shocked at the admission when they had finally sat in the drawing room and broken the
news. Monty spilled a pot of ink across the table in front of him and let out a short gasp. They sat in
silence for a few long moments as Effie watched Harry carefully, a dawn of realisation seemed to
sweep over her in one moment. She had apparently finally clocked just how similar the small boy
looked to James.

They understood, of course they did. The bloody brilliant Potters who took in strays and were
every bit as righteous as their son. Remus could tell how fervently they disagreed with Lily’s
assessment that James might not want to be involved, and he felt a pang of fondness towards the
pair.
“You’re an actual granny now,” Remus said with a chuckle as Effie picked up Harry to bounce in
her lap.

“Oh, I was already an actual granny Remus,” she said dismissively. Remus had to stare out the
window to stop tears from prickling his eyes. Monty had walked over to Lily and embraced her
tightly, Remus should have expected it, their easy acceptance of their lie, but it still came as a stern
shock. Remus stood and left the room, making his way out to the terrace for fear of crying in front
of them. He stood on the patio and shuffled on his feet, smoking a cigarette.

“Are you alright love?” Effie asked him in a soft voice as she stepped out to join him. Remus
swallowed harshly and nodded.

“Yes, I’m so sorry Effie. We didn’t mean it to take this long but-” Effie interrupted him with a
raised hand.

“Remus, it’s quite alright. Monty and I understand the situation. James will too when he’s back.

“Do you think so?” Remus’ voice came out in a cracked whisper, he realised for the first time he
was allowing himself to doubt, to confront his betrayal of his best friend.

“Oh sweetie,” Effie said sympathetically, watching his glistening eyes. “Of course he will. You
saved that girl. I know the men I raised, and I’d expect nothing less from either of you.” Remus
swallowed a sob and collapsed forwards against Effie, allowing her to hold on to him. She was tiny
compared to him, he had to lean down just to get his arms around her, but her hugs still reminded
him of being a small boy. He was reminded of the days Effie would find him crying in the gardens,
upset that he couldn’t join in with the rougher games, or frightened by his dad’s drunken outbursts.
She’d always be there for him then, just as she was now, with wide open arms and a comforting
word.

“Remus, is this what’s been burdening you?” Effie asked after a moment, a note of concern in her
voice. “Is there anything else?”

What wasn’t troubling him really? The war was dragging on seemingly without end, his best and
oldest friend was on another continent and there could be a telegram announcing his death at any
moment. Not to mention the fact that he was raising that friend’s child with his childhood crush.
Things were extremely awkward between him and Mary, Marlene was still in London and could be
bombed out at any point. He had it better than pretty much everyone he knew, and he still couldn’t
be happy because he was a selfish bastard. And most of all, despite all of that, the one thing that
came to mind to say was the thing that weighed so heavily on him, leaving him feeling like he was
stuck underwater, unable to breath for the past two years.

“It’s… it’s Sirius,” Remus trailed off but saw the note of understanding in Effie’s eye. She didn’t
say anything, allowing him to continue. “It’s been two years since his plane went down.” Remus
said in a small voice, he could feel how pathetic he sounded. “I can’t stop thinking about it. Every
morning it’s the first thing I think about, every night before I fall asleep it’s the last thing in my
mind. How he must have felt. Did it hurt? Was he scared? Did he think of me? He was the best
part of me, and we didn’t have enough time. James is convinced he is still alive out there
somewhere and I want to have that hope too, but the grief is destroying me. If I had even a flicker
of hope it would consume me entirely. I have all this love trapped inside me with nowhere for it to
go. Not that I don’t… I love Harry, and Lily of course.” Remus paused for breath, realising that he
was completely unloading and possibly revealing more than he should, but now that he had started
speaking, he found it impossible to stop the torrential outpouring of words. “I love Harry, and my
friends, and I have so many people, but that specific ferocious love is still trapped inside of me
burning me up. The only thing, the only person who can cure me is gone.”
Effie stood quietly for a few moments, contemplating Remus’ emotional outburst. “It’s
understandable Remus, to feel that way when you’ve suffered a great loss. Grief is all consuming
and it can easily dim the joys that are still in your life. I know we are all grieving Sirius. James…
well he was never one to accept defeat. It’s not a terrible thing, that hope he has. I can only pray
that we will all be reunited again.”

Remus nodded, somewhat appeased now that he had blurted out his innermost turmoil. He
embraced Effie tightly again as the grandfather clocked chimed ten from inside the house. He
looked into the manor and knew it was time to continue his duty, to Lily but mostly to Harry. He
kissed Effie on the cheek goodnight and returned into the house to collect the pair for the walk
home.

Remus felt like a huge burden had been lifted after their conversation with the Potters. He realised
that James not knowing was only part of what had been weighing on him for the past couple of
years. It felt like he was finally confronting the big parts of him, the issues that had been tearing
their way through his veins, and he realised he was finally ready to face another part of himself
he’d been avoiding.

“Hey Lily?” Remus asked as they made their way back to the cottage, feeling overwhelmed and
relieved.

“Hmm?” she replied.

“I think I might join you, next time you go to the temple if that’s alright? To help out you know…”
he trailed off feeling slightly awkward. Lily turned a surprised but pleased face towards him.

“Of course Remus! You’re always welcome,” she replied simply.

Remus walked home with a noticeable lightness in his step. It wasn’t that his problems had
suddenly been solved, he was still half sure James would box his ears once he returned. But
confiding in the Potters, speaking candidly about James and Sirius had left him feeling hopeful.
That shred of hope settled inside him, a light that flickered dangerously in his heart.
 Chapter 27
Chapter Notes

This is the second chapter I'm posting today in case you missed the first! We're back
with James and Regulus' story now <3

Regulus

Regulus spent over a year in Greece, fighting in the foothills, consistently being forced back. With
every small victory came an even bigger defeat and morale was low among the troops. The
continent seemed to be one great big immovable mass, an impenetrable fortress. They’d lost
France, they were trying to take Greece, and the battles kept raging. Regulus had become numb to
the violence, to the losses. He had become resigned to the fact that they were in an unwinnable
position and despite some vaguely positive stories coming from North Africa, Regulus failed to see
how that could finally end the war. He was tired. Exhausted down to his very bones. But every day
he got up, tightened his boots, and kept marching forwards, like a zombie with no control of his
own faculties. He turned twenty-one in the summer of 1941; he only realised a week after it
happened. The significant milestone, his timer running out, barely registered as he felt he was
already a dead man walking. There was no need to kill himself just yet, after all there was
undoubtedly a bullet with his name on being loaded each morning. He figured he’d wait until fate
took him, and if not, well maybe twenty-two was the year he’d let himself go.

Regulus heard that Japan had attacked a port in America. They’d finally decided to join, the
bloodshed and tyranny enacted on its Allies apparently was not enough to convince the behemoth
across the Atlantic to send its troops until its own borders had been breached. Regulus was bitter
about it, as many of the men were, but it was easy to be bitter about everything in those days.

It was only after their commanders had finally acquiesced that they were not making enough
progress in Greece, and they needed to take another approach, to find another way into Europe, that
Regulus found himself in Italy during the summer of 1942. The boat ride had been rough and
difficult, many men passed out across the hull, white with nausea. Regulus’ stomach churned and
he thought he might be sick during the tough passage. He spent the entire trip on the deck despite
the biting cold. The fresh air and spray of water kept his queasiness mostly at bay. He would also
never allow himself below deck on any ship after Dunkirk, instead he found a firm position to sit
down on deck and wait the long hours to Italy.

Italy wasn’t so different from Greece, the island of Sicily had the same rocky shores, the same
beautiful mountains and small winding streets. It had the same war beating down upon it as
everywhere else. One positive was that Regulus could at least speak rudimentary Italian, making it
far easier to navigate the small villages they ploughed through. Regulus was worried that they
would be met by hostility from the locals, but it seemed they were as happy with their tyrannical
leader as the Allies were. Regulus spent his evenings alone in his tent, even after they took control
of the island and soldiers celebrated on the beaches. Regulus’s numbness to his own feelings
should have been scary, but it had become so second nature at this point, it hardly registered.

He had become fitter, ruthless, and agile. His commanding officers had taken notice of his
apparent recklessness with his own life. Where others hesitated or shook in fear, Regulus just
pushed forwards, barely a thought to his own safety. This was an invaluable characteristic
apparently, and he soon found himself sent on reconnaissance missions into enemy lines. He would
stay small and quiet in the shadows, peering through the dark to spy on the movements of the
Italian army.

It had been three years since Sirius died, three years since Dunkirk, three years since he had last
seen James. Yet that one last shred of humanity that clung to Regulus’ skin like oil was that other
man’s face. He hadn’t been able to shake him in the long, lonely months apart, a stab of guilt and
longing wounded him every time he thought of him. It was the only emotion he was able to feel
anymore and even that was blurred around its edges, never quite settling into his gut like it should
have.

They launched from Sicily and landed on the mainland a few weeks later, pressing forwards from
the south as the RAF assaulted Rome overhead. Regulus had been in a troop of about three dozen
men, marching northwards from Naples when his commander gathered them round for a briefing.

“Okay lads, we’ve made good progress so far. Better than expected. If we keep pushing, we can
knock Italy out and might finally have a way into the continent.”

“Only the whole bloody country and the Alps in our way,” someone said cynically from behind
Regulus. The sergeant didn’t appear to hear the biting comment, or at least pretended not to.

“We’re going to meet up with the 4th Infantry Division who have landed from Libya, then march
on Rome. We are going to send you ahead to clear the way for the rest of the regiment. It will be
tough going as there are still enemy battalions scattered throughout the country between us and
them,” the sergeant continued. “Get your rest, it’s a long march in the morning.”

Regulus remained sitting where he was as men began to grumble and disperse around him. It didn’t
matter to him, just another mission, another warzone to walk straight into. He sat for a few
moments, slightly dazed and uninterested in the movements of the people around him when a
thought suddenly occurred to him.

“Excuse me sir?” he said suddenly, standing up to meet the sergeant. The tall gruff man raised an
eyebrow but looked up at Regulus.

“Yes, Private?” he asked.

“Did you say we’re meeting with the 4th Infantry Division?”

“I did. Why do you ask?”

Regulus stomach lurched so suddenly he felt like he might just throw up right on the sergeant’s
uniform. He swayed slightly on his feet and swallowed harshly in an attempt to temper his rising
anxiety.

“Oh… I… My friend from home. I think he’s part of the regiment,” Regulus managed to choke
out.

“Very good Private, hopefully a little camaraderie will help boost your spirit,” the sergeant said,
his voice level and slightly disinterested. “What’s his name? Maybe Hutchinson here knows him.
Hutchinson, come here.” He called out to another private who had been sitting a few feet away.
The other man stood to attention and made his way over to them. “Hutchinson came from the 4th;
he’s going to help us navigate the terrain.” Regulus swallowed again and nodded, trying to keep a
steady face, trying not to reveal his inner turmoil.
“Um… Private Potter?” Regulus asked in a small voice. Hutchinson’s face scrunched in thought as
he pondered the name. It didn’t come to him immediately, which could mean Regulus had got it
wrong, maybe James wasn’t part of the 4th Division? Regulus wasn’t sure if it was relief or
disappointment that led to his light-headedness.

“Private Potter? I don’t know… Oh!” Hutchinson suddenly exclaimed as a clarity drew across his
features. “Do you mean Corporal Potter? James Potter?” he asked.

Corporal. Of course he had been promoted; Regulus should have expected it really. It would have
been quite unlike James to remain under the radar. Even in war, he would have been successful.
Regulus nodded weakly, he was at true risk of collapsing right where he stood, and he knew he
needed to return to his sleeping quarters as soon as possible to avoid further humiliation.

“Oh yes, I know Potter, top bloke. Yes, he’s there. We’ll be meeting up with them before heading
to Rome. Should only take a day or two to get there,” Hutchinson said lightly, as if it wasn’t earth
shattering information. “You a mate of his? I’m sure he’ll be pleased to see you.”

Regulus simply smiled weakly and allowed himself to be dismissed. He walked back to his tent on
shaky legs, a cold sweat suddenly descending upon him. Everything around him suddenly seemed
to be in vivid colour. The orange of the campfires burned his retinas, the noise of the soldiers
busying themselves with their duties was a thunderous roar. He could feel the blood pumping
through his veins, his heart beating in his chest. He could feel each ragged breath pulled out of him
with considerable effort. It was like a great fog had lifted, he was suddenly so aware of every
movement he made, every reckless decision of the last few years. He realised how close he had
been to death on so many occasions, how many enemy soldiers had likely fallen by his hands. The
sudden overwhelming burst of reality left Regulus unable to breathe. Regulus darted down a dark
alleyway and leaned against a stone wall. He bent over, clutching his chest. A tight rope twisted
around him, entirely suffocating him, making it impossible to breathe.

In and out. In and out. He willed himself to take on air, to keep it in his lungs, to let the breath out
carefully through his gritted teeth. When his panic had finally began to subside, he found that he
was slumped down on the cold ground, his legs spread limply in front of him. He turned his head
to the sky, only a sliver of it visible through the tall narrow buildings of the alleyway. By some
sick twist of fate, he was looking up at Sirius. He didn’t flinch away from it as he usually did, but
instead found brief comfort in his brother’s star.

“I’m going to see him again,” he said to his brother in a shaky voice.

Regulus rose early the next morning after a restless night. He tidied his pack and retied his boots
three times before making his way out into the bright morning sunshine. They small regiment
marched through the countryside of Southern Italy throughout the morning. Regulus didn’t stop to
admire the rolling hills, the tightly packed vineyards, or the picturesque villages they made their
way through. His nerves were on edge, at any point they could be ambushed, from land or from
air. It seemed inevitable, that this should be it, only miles away from James that they’d finally be
caught out, that his luck would finally run out.

They continued marching through the scorching heat of the day, entirely unencumbered and
uninterrupted by the promised Italian troops. Maybe they had retreated, some of the other men said
in hopeful voices. Regulus couldn’t shift a sense of dread that things were never that simple, never
that easy. He didn’t vocalise his doubts, because pessimism was infectious and was one of the
clearest indicators of failure in the messy war. He marched forwards, darting his eyes to the trees
with every step.
They were eventually faced by a large river; its raging current was full of the summer’s rain. A
concrete and iron bridge crossed to the other bank, just wide enough for one tank to amble through
it unimpeded. Regulus remained in formation, a racing anxiety thrumming in his veins as he
stepped onto the bridge behind a huge ambling tank. There were dozens of men, marching in a tight
structure, confident that they would reach the Allied camp in only a matter of hours. The sun had
set but Regulus was able to see clearly around him thanks to the huge full moon casting shadows
across the iron bridge.

It was the eve of his twenty second birthday, he would only be twenty-one for a few more hours,
he realised. It didn’t mean much to him anymore, a macabre reminder that he was still there, that
he still existed despite the troubles he’d lived through. He knew he was getting closer to James,
each step bringing him closer to something… he couldn’t place a finger on what it meant. He was
terrified, he wanted to turn and run, to beg to be sent anywhere else. Drop him into the centre of
Germany for all he cared, he couldn’t see those brown eyes again, couldn’t face that betrayed face.
Would James even recognise him, would he even care? Would he just smile and say hello to
Sirius’ younger brother, a distant memory that meant nothing more? The anticipation and fear
burned through Regulus with such force he was surprised no one called him out on his erratic
breathing, his out of step movements.

Regulus’ thoughts were entirely absorbed with what was waiting for him just a few short miles
ahead that he didn’t register the low booming sounds for a few seconds. It was only after a second,
then a third blast, with which the entire bridge jutted violently to the side, sending the soldiers
sprawling against the iron railings that he registered the danger. There were a few moments of
panic, as men shouted and clambered about, clutching on to the side of the bridge as it tilted
precariously on its axis. A ghostly creaking brought Regulus right back to that boat in Dunkirk
moments before it finally capsized. A fourth and final boom shuddered the entire frame of the
bridge, each of its legs had been boobytrapped, and now dozens of men were stuck above the
roaring river below. The shuddering, screeching bridge made one final groan before it was thrust
violently towards the water. Regulus saw the end that was closest to the far bank collapse into the
dark black waters below, bringing the rest of the structure with it.

There were panicked shouts around him, Regulus clutched onto the metal railing, bracing himself
for impact into the icy waters below. The tank just in front of him was the first thing to topple off
the bridge, taking out at least three men in one violent sweep. Seconds later, the entire construction
finally collapsed, and Regulus crashed into the river below. He took a deep breath just as he met
the water, a second too late. His mouth filled with liquid, not air. He felt a heavy weight pushing
him down, part of the concrete bridge that had splintered into large sections forced him down
towards the bed. He squirmed his way around, pushing himself out of the way of the falling debris
and kicked up towards the break in the water. His head broke the surface, and he gasped a panting
lung of air just as a large iron beam collapsed on top of him, pushing him down again. He grabbed
desperately at the metal, attempting to right himself in the swirling waters.

The dark depths of the river and the strong current churned him around, until he didn’t know which
way was up. A small beam of moonlight was his only source of light and he kicked his way
towards it only to be met the solid press of a body in the darkness. He twisted away as quickly as
he could, only to be met with another heavy body pressing down on him. Then another, and
another, until Regulus was surrounded by the black mass of his fellow soldiers, some of them limp,
some of whom were kicking and twisting their way through the current as he was. He burst above
the surface again, taking another deep lungful of air, choking on the cold water as something
grabbed him by the ankle, pulling him back down into the roaring depths of the river. A hand was
on him, desperately using him to gain leverage, to find the surface. The hand that dragged him
down into the depths was met by another, and still bodies slammed into him, pressing him beneath
the waves. He kicked as hard as he could, not to push them off, but in order to reach the surface
again. But the current was too strong, the cold fingers gripping his body were too tight. He twisted
and writhed; the small glimmer of moonlight now entirely obscured. He had no idea which way
was up, where he was supposed to go. A large beam of metal forced its way through the current,
knocking Regulus back and still the hand clutched onto him.

He felt himself fading, the burning in his lungs making way for a light headedness. His constricting
chest ached for air, yearning for oblivion. It would be so easy, to open his lungs, to drift away, to
accept his fate. He stopped fighting then. He allowed his limbs to become limp, his body tousled
through the current, bouncing against corpses and parts of the destroyed bridge until the hand
around his ankle finally weakened and dropped away. Regulus’ head felt light, and for the first
time in years he felt a sudden wave of peace wash over him. It’s okay, he thought, it’s over now. It
was a comforting thought, he wasn’t scared.

A ripple of moonlight in the distance. Deep brown eyes. Water engulfing him. A dazzling smile.
Two songbirds dancing across a blue sky. A windy hill in England. Sunshine. James.

James.

James.

Regulus opened his eyes, his head was foggy and heavy. James. It was the only thought in his
clouded mind. James, James, James. One more day. Live for one more day. You can die tomorrow,
just one more day.

With every last morsel of energy in his tired body Regulus kicked, up towards the moonlight,
towards the surface. One more day.

He broke through the raging surface and gasped a heaving ragged breath. The quiet din was
replaced by the roaring waves, the shouts of those still struggling in the current. Regulus took
several painful gasps of breath and propelled himself towards the bank of the river. His muscles
ached, and with each forward stroke he was shunted further downstream. He kept swimming, kept
moving towards the dark treeline, glinting in the moonlight. When he finally reached the bank, he
grabbed hold of an extruding tree branch and clutched it desperately, clinging on to it with every
last shred of strength. He pulled the branch and heaved his body on to the bank.

Regulus crawled up the bank, spluttering and coughing, his entire body was on fire, and he
collapsed into the mud. After a moment he turned on to his back and sat up, looking out across the
racing river. He spotted two men on the other side, laying prone on the bank and heaving in the
same way Regulus was. He couldn’t see the bridge, he couldn’t see the tanks, or the other soldiers.
He was alone, and he was alive. One more day.
 Chapter 28

James

Lyall Lupin had once told James and Remus a story about his time on the front. He had been half a
bottle deep and James had been eleven years old. Lyall told the boys about the 'women in white'
soldiers would see on the battlefield, once the dust had settled and the shelling had ceased for a
brief blissful moment. The women in white carried lamps and walked among the dead, fading in
and out of view throughout the smoke. It was said that if you saw one of the ghostly women, your
time was near. Some thought they were angels, sent to help fallen men on to the next life. Others
saw them as horrific omens of bad fortune marking their victims for death. James never paid much
mind to the stories.

Whether it was a ghostly woman in white, or gruesome spectres in long black cloaks, stories of the
supernatural in wartime seemed to James to be more of a reflection of the damaged minds of the
men at war than proof of the beyond. Now, he wasn’t so sure.

Bullets rained down around him where he crouched behind a shuddering tank. They had been
trying to hold the small town of Monte Cassino. A beautiful, destroyed abbey loomed on top of a
hill, overlooking the heavy fighting on the streets below and they had been in combat for days.
James had his back to the tank, trying to find his breath among the shouting and shelling
surrounding him when he saw the spectre.

It was standing a way down the road, on the British side of the line. The ghostly figure was dressed
in a dishevelled British Uniform, the man was covered in mud and his arms hung limply by his
sides. The figure was standing close to the wall, next to a dark alleyway and it was staring right at
James. Despite the tattered state of his clothes, the ashen face and limp hair, it was the piercing
eyes that caught James’ attention. They were large dark grey eyes that James would recognise for
the rest of his life, Regulus’ eyes.

James couldn’t move, he could barely breath, let alone continue to fight. He was entirely unable to
tear his eyes aways from the miraculous sight of Regulus’ figure standing alone on a battlefield. He
was certain it was a hallucination, nothing more than the terrifying result of a lack of sleep and too
many horrors witnessed. But maybe he was a spirit, come to let James know that Regulus was
gone? Maybe he was an omen of James’ own oncoming misfortune. James remained frozen in
position for several long moments, just as the apparition did. They stared at each other, two lost
souls reuniting in hell.

An almighty crash behind James threw his body forwards as a shell landed in the building to his
right. Brick and mortar, wood and glass sprayed down on top of him and showered the road in
debris. James quickly covered his head with his arms and curled up small on the ground.

“Potter! James, are you okay?” Frank’s voice rang out across the cobbled road through the thick
wave of dust that was slowly settling around him.

“Fine, I’m fine!” James called out in reply once he was sure there were no more projectiles heading
his way. He glanced up briefly to see that the figure had disappeared. He didn’t have time to focus
on what the ominous vision could have meant, he picked up his rifle and edged to the side of the
tank. It was shielding him from the worst of the fire but was not the most ideal position for
pushing forwards. He leant around the tank, just far enough that he could comfortably make aim,
and fired rapidly towards the enemy. A rapid barrage of bullets from a machine gun up ahead
forced him back behind the tank.
James took a deep breath and clutched the rifle in his hands, ready to pounce as soon at the
machine gun lost steam. His eyes flickered back to the point in the road he had spotted the strange
apparition and just as he was about to move back into position, a movement from the dark alley
caught his attention. There was a small sliver of light poking into the entrance, and he could only
just make out the blurry shape of a dark figure. After a moment the figure moved, peering around
the edge of the wall with wide frightened eyes and the same ashen face James was convinced he
had imagined.

“Reggie?” James said in a quiet voice, too small to be heard by anyone but him. It couldn’t be
possible, that the spectre was real, that it was actually his Regulus. The sheer absurdity of seeing
him there in Italy, in the middle of a battlefield, looking as if he had been dragged feet first from a
swamp was truly baffling. But he was sure now, the eyes were still piercing into him, and James
knew that no apparition could replicate the silver fire within them.

Regulus crouched low and slowly made his way out of the alleyway, he crept along the edge of the
tightly packed buildings, moving as slow as a stalking cat. James was transfixed, he couldn’t look
away in case he should disappear again. Another deafening shell dropped close by, the booming
roar of fire and collapsing building made James recoil and cover his head again. Regulus flattened
himself against the ground, his arms over his head in a similar position to James. James felt a
sickening bolt of fear as the reality of the danger they were both in finally settled.

“Reggie, come here!” he screamed out across the road, waving his arms frantically. Regulus’ head
snapped up at the call and he looked up towards the enemy only briefly before springing to his feet
and beginning to sprint. Bullets sprayed around them, and Regulus was completely exposed. James
frantically waved him over, as if he could simply will him to move faster. The thundering rattle of
the machine gun began spraying and Regulus didn’t hesitate, he continued to run full sprint towards
James. When he finally, mercifully, got close enough, he skidded to a stop and thew himself down
next to James, his back also to the tank and heaving for breath.

Regulus turned to look at James with shocked eyes and they stared at each other for one
unbelieving moment before shouts indicated their movement forward. James would have time for
this, whatever on earth this was, later.

“Do you have a gun?” he asked.

Regulus shook his head. “Lost it in the river.” The river? James didn’t have time to question what
that meant.

“Where’s the rest of your regiment?”

“In the river,” Regulus replied dryly.

“Alright. Stay behind me,” he instructed. There was no room to wonder what Regulus meant by
that, let alone come to terms with the fact that Regulus was actually here besides him. He’d gotten
used to compartmentalising things during battle, and his inevitable panic would have to wait. He
indicated for Regulus to stay close and slowly crept to the side of the tank. He crouched low with
his rifle aimed and began shooting, hoping to create some cover as they pushed forwards. The
battle had retreated somewhat, and James could see that they were making good progress.

James could feel Regulus’ presence behind him as he stayed close to the wall, moving forwards as
swiftly as possible. He needed to get Regulus away from the danger, that was his only priority right
now. He darted his eyes around and saw Frank up ahead, he was engaged in a furious gunfight.
James grabbed hold of Regulus’ hand and ran, pulling the other man with all his strength until they
both dived down for cover next to Frank. He shouldn’t have taken his hand off his weapon, but he
needed to make sure Regulus was behind him.

Frank barely shot the pair a second glance as he continued firing towards the enemy across a small
square. There were craters littering the ground and half the buildings had been destroyed by bullets
from land or shelling from aircraft overhead.

“They should be in position behind them now,” Frank called to James over the loud firing. “One
more push forward and they’ll walk straight into our trap.” James nodded and peered across the
square, another regiment had moved behind the Italians who had hopefully been distracted by their
firefight. James turned to face Regulus, who was crouched, ready to spring at any point. He was
somewhat safely positioned behind a high stone wall, and without a weapon James would not risk
him moving into the line of fire.

“Reg, you’re going to stay here until it’s over, okay?” he said in a clipped voice. Regulus watched
him, his eyes narrowed slightly, and James could tell he was about to disagree. “No questions. You
don’t have a weapon. Stay. Here.” Regulus clearly realised that he didn’t really have a leg to stand
on and so nodded briskly.

“Okay James,” he said. James had to steady himself for a brief second upon hearing his name from
Regulus’ mouth after all that time. He pushed the strange emotions down and nodded.

Frank, James, and the rest of their regiment moved forwards in a steady line. Bodies dropped
around James, but he was used to ignoring them until the battle was done. They pushed ahead, in a
well-oiled manoeuvre, bullets shrieking out of their weapons in an impenetrable wall. Eventually,
the sounds of distant gunfire could be heard on the other side of the village, the retreating Italian
regiment had clearly walked straight into the waiting trap. James remained steady, moving
forwards despite the increasing desperation from the enemy soldiers. They surrendered quickly
after that; they clearly knew there was little escape for them. Upon their surrender it became
quickly evident that most of the Italian soldiers appeared relieved if anything. James wondered
how they were able to do it, fight and die for a cause they clearly did not support. James knew the
answer was fear, he saw it in the whites of the men’s eyes, they were terrified.

Once the dust had settled and the town had been secured, James ran through the crowds of British
soldiers to find Regulus. There was still a chance he had made him up in his mind, but that didn’t
stop him sprinting through the streets, back towards the small, cobbled street he had left him. Sure
enough, Regulus was sitting on the ground, his back to the wall, exactly where James had left him.
James came to a skidding stop, unable to believe that he had followed his instructions quite so
obediently. Regulus’ head was resting against the wall, his eyes were closed, he looked exhausted.
James cleared his throat gently and Regulus blinked his eyes open, turning to see James standing
there.

Both men seemed unable to move or speak, the magnitude of what had been left unsaid between
them seemed a gulf too expansive to bridge. Not yet anyway.

“Um… I need to take you to my sergeant. He’ll want you to brief him,” James said eventually.
Regulus nodded, keeping his large eyes trained on James. He stood and followed James dutifully
through the streets in silence. Regulus walked to James’ left and James could feel the entire side of
his body light up with electricity at the closeness of the other man. Eventually they found
themselves in another square which was being used as something of a central base within the town.
He approached the sergeant, a tall gruff bloke who had fought in the first war. He had a shock of
dark red hair and a thick moustache.

“Sergeant Williams,” James began. “This is Private Black. He’s… he’s a mate from home.”
“Private.” Sergeant Williams said sternly, appraising Regulus with a beady eye. “How did you get
here, are you alone?”

Regulus looked exhausted but pulled his shoulders back and spoke with a clipped authority that had
been trained into all the soldiers. “I’m from 46th Infantry. I was sent ahead as part of the scouting
group.”

“Where’s the rest of your group?” the sergeant asked.

“Dead or in retreat sir,” Regulus replied simply. “We were knocked out on a bridge about four
miles south of here. It was booby-trapped and collapsed. I don’t know how many dead, I saw a few
climb out on the other side of the river, as far as I can tell I was the only one who ended up on this
side.”

“Right.” Sergeant Williams frowned and twisted his face into thought. “If I recall that was the only
accessible crossing for at least fifty miles. We won’t be able to count on them arriving any time
soon. Looks like we’re on our own from here. Potter, take Black to the camp, he can wash up and
be issued a new weapon. Looks like you’re with us for the foreseeable, kid.”

James nodded firmly and saluted as Sergeant Williams walked away. Only once the sergeant had
left him and Regulus alone did he lower his arm. He turned to look at Regulus, he was still covered
in mud, and entirely dishevelled. He was watching James with curious eyes, waiting for James to
speak. James didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to feel. It had been such a long three
years thinking about what this man could have been doing, where he was, and he suddenly turned
up half drowned and without warning.

“Alright follow me,” he said, jerking his head in the direction of the camp. He turned to move and
was stopped by a hand on his arm.

“James-” Regulus stopped speaking, as if unable to come up with anything to say. What could they
say? How on earth are you supposed to speak, to summarise all the intense horrible emotions
tumbling through him.

“I’m glad you’re alright Reg,” James said in a small voice before shaking Regulus off and
beginning his walk. Regulus seemed to get the picture, and acquiesced quickly, falling into line
besides James like a silent shadow. They made their way to the camp in a prolonged and tense
silence, the awkwardness drawing out between them.

“Have you been in Italy long?” James said, attempting to break the awkward tension.

“A while. I was in Greece for the most part, was part of the invasion of Sicily.” Regulus replied.

“Right.”

“And you… where were you?” Regulus asked.

“North Africa. Egypt and Libya mainly.” James said. Regulus frowned slightly, his mouth
downturned at its corners. Their conversation was so stilted and awkward, James hated it. They’d
never had such trouble holding a conversation before, even their bickering used to come easy.
“Here we are,” James said as they approached their camp. Frank walked out of a large canvas tent
and appraised Regulus. “Frank, this is Regulus. He was part of the scouting team, we’re to find him
a bed, uniform, and weapon.”

Frank looked Regulus up and down, a spark of recognition on his face, he reached out a hand
which Regulus took readily. “Alright Regulus, I remember you from Dunkirk. Follow me I’ll get
you set up.” Frank retreated back into the tent. Regulus stopped to look back at James, who averted
his eyes quickly, before following Frank into the tent.

James had been in Italy for two weeks so far. There had been heavy fighting, quite different from
the desert terrain he had gotten used to and there had been heavy casualties. There was a small
bathhouse in the town that provided access to hot showers. James was one of the first to make use
of them after leaving Regulus with Frank, he was sure they’d soon be overwhelmed with soldiers
keen for the first hot shower in months.

He enjoyed a long, steaming shower under the cracked and trembling taps. It was a small miracle
that he’d been without for far too long. He remained under the spray as long as he could, relishing
in the way the water pounded against his muscles and provided some relief. He took stock of
himself in the long, cracked changing room mirror as he got dressed when he’d finally managed to
drag himself out of the blissful warmth. He barely recognised the man looking back at him. He was
broader than he had been, the layer of fat around his stomach had almost entirely disappeared. His
skin was darker than it had ever been thanks to years in the scorching desert sun. He looked more
like his mum than he ever had, and he liked it. Everyone had always told him how similar he was
to Monty, the same round eyes and messy hair. But now he recognised his mother in himself more
than ever. His hair had even changed slightly, it had slivers of light gold streaking through it,
although it was still as untameable as ever. The changes made it clear just how long it had been,
how long the war was dragging on, and how much time had passed since he had been at home. He
wanted desperately to return home, even for a day, an hour. James ruffled a hand through his hair
and made his way out into the Italian sunshine, towards the camp.

He and Frank were staying in a small flat on the edge of town, they had been one of the lucky ones
who had been able to secure actual accommodation in the small town. Most of the other soldiers
were staying in tents at the edge of the town. The abandoned flat was small, but it had two small
bedrooms, a bathroom and a tiny living room. It was enough just to have his own proper bed to feel
like he was staying in the most luxurious hotel.

James passed his small accommodation and made his way towards the camp where he was sure
there would be some food being prepared. His assumption was correct and he quickly found
himself a bowl to load up with watery stew. The sun had set while he’d been having a shower and a
small collection of campfires lit up the decimated town surrounding them. James took a seat away
from the crowds, in front of a small fire. He stared down into his bowl of soup, unable to make
sense of the day. How Regulus had appeared to him like a ghost miles away from home. He’d been
thinking about the man for years and yet James was entirely unprepared for the reality of facing
him in person. He wished he could speak to Remus, even to Sirius. He knew Sirius had been pissed
about the whole thing, and he probably shouldn’t have told him the way he did, but James wished
he could ask his advice all the same. How should he act, what should he say? Sirius would
probably tell him to box Regulus’ ears and be done with it. The light beaming on James was
suddenly obscured as a person came to stand in front of him. James looked up and found Regulus
standing directly in front of the fire, the flickering light made it seem as if he himself was on fire.
Regulus shifted nervously on his feet.

“Can I sit there?” he asked, pointing at a spot next to James. James shrugged in the affirmative.
There were plenty of other places Regulus could have sat and James felt annoyed with the pleased
pang in his stomach that Regulus had decided to sit next to him. Despite his best efforts to bury any
old feelings, his pathetic sentimentality still betrayed him at the first opportunity. A ghost of a
smile flittered across Regulus’ face as he sat beside James. James took the moment to sneak a look
at him, now that he had properly washed up and changed into a clean uniform.
Regulus was thinner than he had been if that was even possible. His cheekbones were even more
carved into his face, but his long lean body clearly held more muscle than it had when they were
eighteen. James tried to dampen down any thoughts of what those new muscles might look like
beneath his uniform. Regulus’ hair had grown too, as had James’. It wasn’t quite as long as it had
been before the war, but the soft dark curls still flopped down around his ears. James hoped he
never cut it again.

James stirred his soup with his spoon, his breathing felt extremely loud in the tense silence that
drew out. He was incredibly aware of the closeness of their bodies, of the fact that he couldn’t
think of a thing to say.

“Have you heard from home?” Regulus asked in a small voice after a few moments. James
shrugged and continued to stare at the campfire in front of them.

“Not much, it’s been difficult getting post through.”

“Lily wrote to me, she’s had a baby,” Regulus said.

“I heard.”

A tense silence extended between them, that awkwardness that never seemed to let up no matter
what James tried to do to stop it.

“Sorry,” Regulus said in a small, strained voice. He was stirring his own bowl of stew
absentmindedly.

“Sorry?”

“About you and her, I know how much you wanted that…” Regulus trailed of as if he was unable
to finish the thought.

“I haven’t wanted that for a long time, you know that.” James snapped. He was mildly annoyed
that he was still having to explain himself after all this time. “I’m surprised at Moony though.”

“What did he do?”

“Didn’t you know? He’s the bloke. Him and Lily are married.” Regulus’ eyes grew wide, and he
stopped chewing. He snapped his head up to look at James properly.

“Remus? Surely not,” he said. James huffed a short laugh and nodded.

“Yup,”

“But Sirius…?”

“He thinks he’s dead doesn’t he,” James said with a bitter twang to his voice. Regulus watched him
with a curious expression at those words.

“He… James he is dead, you know that, right?” James finally turned to look at Regulus with a
furious expression.

“He’s not.” He said firmly. Regulus visibly flinched, shocked at his stern words, as if the concept
hadn’t ever occurred to him.

“James…It’s been three years.”

“He’s not dead.” James said resolutely, standing up and leaving Regulus watching him
dumfounded. James stomped back to his small flat feeling stressed and untethered. The small jolt
of excitement in his stomach at finally seeing Regulus quickly gave way to that same annoyance
that he, along with everyone else, appeared ready to give up on Sirius. James was sick of having to
explain himself, having to convince people that he wasn’t mad.

They spent several days circling each other in that same awkward dance. Neither of them was able
to start the difficult conversation, neither were able to address what they had once been to each
other, let alone the painful years that had passed since they’d last seen each other. Regulus stuck
close to him, but he was clearly trying not to be obvious about it. James found it comforting,
despite the awkwardness, he’d only have to look up to find out where Regulus was. He’d be sitting
a few a metres away, cleaning his gun a few tents over, or eating around the same fire. They would
speak to each other of course, about the campaigns they’d been involved in, the letters they’d
received from home. But the conversation was stilted, too formal for people with their history.

James found himself at a small local bar one evening about a week after they’d secured the town.
They were still waiting on orders to march north to Rome. It sounded like there was fierce fighting
happening in other parts of the country, and the commanders wanted to ensure they did not lose
their position by pushing north too early. Italy had technically surrendered, but Germany had taken
control, leaving soldiers left to continue fighting or face death. News that civilians in Naples had
begun uprising against the invaders had spurred their mood somewhat, but victory was still a long
way off and James knew it.

James drunk a measure of whiskey, leaning on the bar next to Frank. He scanned the room and
spotted the mop of curly hair he had been unconsciously searching for. Regulus was sat at a small
table with another young man, a private James had never spoken to before. The other soldier was
slim and handsome, he had soft blonde hair that contrasted his dark eyes. He and Regulus were
speaking quietly, much calmer than the lively atmosphere surrounding them. James couldn’t stop
that familiar twang of jealousy at the sight, quickly followed by matching guilt and shame. He had
no claim on Regulus anymore, and he needed to get used to seeing him regularly if Regulus was
going to join their regiment.

“Alright James?” Frank asked from next to him. James turned to look at his friend and smiled
tightly.

“Yeah,” he said rather unconvincingly. “How’s Alice, heard from her?”

Frank’s eyes darted to Regulus in the corner of the bar, but he accepted the change of subject. “Not
for a while, but she’s good. I’m thinking I’ll move up to Durham when we’re back home. Not sure
what I’ll do for work, but I know I’m going to marry that woman.”

James smiled and patted Frank on the back. “Well, you’ll always have work in Godric’s Hollow if
you find yourself short,” he said. Frank grinned at James and nodded, they’d formed a tight bond
over the past few years, and it pained James to think that there would come a time where they’d
live so far apart. Frank leaned on the bar and flicked his eyes back to the corner of the bar.

“Regulus is the bloke?” he asked. James froze as he brought his glass to his lips and flicked his
eyes to Frank. He thought about playing dumb, but he knew Frank would see straight through him.
He sighed and nodded.

“Yup. He’s Sirius’ brother. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now,” he admitted.

“What do you want?” Frank asked.

“Doesn’t really matter, does it? He made his feelings perfectly clear when he ended it.” James
paused and sighed heavily. “It’s a shame you’re not queer Frank, I reckon we’d have a good time,”
he winked and shoved Frank with his elbow. Frank snorted in amusement and turned slightly pink.

“Oh, I’m sure we would James,” he laughed. Frank’s eyes were distracted by a figure making his
way to the bar next to them. Regulus approached and leaned next to James.

“Can I get you one?” he asked in a small voice. James looked at his empty glass and shrugged.

“Sure, why not.” A pleased smile crossed Regulus’ face and he leaned forward to order another
drink for himself and James. Frank leaned close to James’ other side and whispered into his ear.

“I wouldn’t be so sure you know. Sometimes it takes losing something to realise how much we
need it,” he winked at James and disappeared into the crowd, leaving James alone with Regulus.
James watched him leave with a pang of surprise at his words. Frank was pretty perceptive, but he
thought he was wrong about that one.

“Having fun?” James asked Regulus, indicating to the blonde man with his head. Regulus followed
his gesture and frowned slightly. He raised his eyebrow to James and passed him his drink.

“You always think I’m off with other blokes,” Regulus said dryly. James shrugged petulantly.

“Come outside for a fag,” Regulus said after a moment. James couldn’t think of a reason to
disagree and so followed him dutifully outside the bar. There were a few soldiers lingering on the
street outside, half-cut and boisterously pushing each other around. James and Regulus walked
away from them, towards a quiet stretch next to the bar. Regulus hopped up on a small wall and
James leaned against it, aiming for nonchalance but unable to ease the stiffness in his limbs.
Regulus pulled a cigarette from his pocket and handed one to James, they lit them in silence and
looked out across the dark Italian countryside, pitch black except for a few distant lights and the
stars overhead.

“It’s been a long time,” James said eventually.

“It has,” Regulus agreed. “I… it’s been a difficult few years.”

“That it has. I’m surprised I’m still alive if I’m honest,” James said.

“Me too.” Regulus took a drag of his cigarette and watched James carefully. “You look good. The
sun suits you.”

James huffed a laugh, “I reckon I’ve aged ten years in three,” he disputed. Regulus chuckled and
shook his head.

“Not at all.”

“You look good too,” James breathed the words out in a rapid stream, surprised at himself that he
said them. He was glad he had when Regulus’ face crinkled into a bright grin.

“Now you’re lying,” he laughed. “I look like I’ve been dragged through hell and back.”

“Nah,” James said. “You’ve built some muscle.” He immediately flinched and cringed at his
clumsy words. He looked away from Regulus in case he should see his pink cheeks and stared into
the darkness.

“James… I want… I need to tell you…” Regulus’ voice dropped low and had a nervous energy to
it.

“I slept with Lily,” James blurted out. He wasn’t sure why he said it, particularly why he said it at
that moment. It seemed like something Regulus ought to know. Maybe he just wanted Regulus to
know that he was wanted, even if it wasn’t by him. Regulus’ mouth hung open, frozen mid-speech,
he slowly closed it and ran his hand through his hair.

“Oh. Right. I thought her and Moony were…”

“They are, it was a one-off thing. When I went back home. After… well after Dunkirk.” James
said, still not quite meeting Regulus’ eye. Regulus swallowed and nodded.

“That makes sense,” he said. “Lily never told me. I’m surprised, I thought we were close.” Regulus
seemed more hurt that Lily had kept a secret than by James sleeping with her. James shouldn’t
have expected jealousy; it was probably a bit childish to want it.

“She probably didn’t tell you because… well I told her. About us.” He said, finally acknowledging
the large unspoken thing that hung between them.

“What did she say?” Regulus asked, apparently unbothered by this revelation. James took a drag of
his cigarette and laughed.

“She wasn’t surprised, wasn’t thrown in the slightest.”

Regulus huffed a laugh. “She was always very bright.” Regulus said. James chuckled in agreement.
“Besides I think I gave the game away that night we went into London.”

James turned to look at Regulus with an eyebrow raised, had he spoken to Lily about their
relationship?

“I may have accidentally revealed how sexy your back was,” Regulus said teasingly, his gaze now
firmly focused on James. James felt a hot flush descend across his face and he shifted awkwardly,
unsure of how to take the compliment.

“We’ll be out of here in a day or so. Should make the most of the down time when we can and get
some sleep,” James said, changing the subject to diffuse the tension that pulled at the pair.

“James…” Regulus’ voice was steady and low, leaving a hot and heady feeling low in James’s
stomach. James turned to face Regulus who was now watching him with a fervent intensity.
Regulus reached out and brushed a hair from James’ face, leaving his finger on his temple and
slowly stroking down his face. James allowed his eyes to close, and he leaned into the burning
touch. A sudden burst of noise broke the spell as the door of the bar opened besides them. James’
eyes snapped open, and he took a step back from Regulus. He couldn’t allow himself to fall back
into the same pitiful mooning he had before. He couldn’t allow himself to be hurt again. He
brushed a hand through his hair and cleared his throat, attempting to steady his heart.

“Thanks for the drink, mate,” he said quickly before turning on his heel. He didn’t re-enter the bar,
he walked straight past it, away from Regulus and towards his lodgings without a single look back.
He couldn’t turn back; he couldn’t see the injured look on the other man’s face. He would have to
learn to live in close proximity with him, and that meant creating distance when he could. His
trembling hands were the only indication of his weak resolve. Because the truth was James’ heart
had never wavered, despite the hurt he had endured, one look at the soft grey eyes had reminded
him he was as pathetically in love as he had ever been.
 Chapter 29
Chapter Notes

CW: Sexual content in this chapter. If you'd prefer not to read it, you could probably
skip the second half.

Regulus

“Thanks for the drink, mate.” Mate. The painful word was as sharp as a whip and Regulus felt like
he had been slapped across the face. He watched James walk away from him into the dark night,
past the bar and without a look back. The sight was so eerily similar to that awful day three years
ago when Regulus had pushed him away, he thought he might be sick. Regulus couldn’t let him
walk away again; he couldn’t let another moment pass without the other man understanding just
how regretful he was for that awful mistake. From the moment Regulus stumbled into the small
town and was confronted with the sight of James crouched down behind that tank, Regulus had
understood there was only one thing he kept moving forwards for. Maybe it was redemption, he
wanted to be absolved of his guilt, maybe it was shameless self-indulgence. All Regulus knew with
any certainty was that he needed James to know how he felt.

Regulus was on his fifth extra day. He wasn’t sure why he started counting, but it was difficult to
stop. He knew that he made a choice in that river, one he didn’t realise he was capable of, a choice
to keep living. And now he was on his fifth day of making that same choice. He needed to James to
understand, he needed to apologise. He knew that things were too far gone, that James would never
want him back, would never trust him again, but it would be enough just to apologise. Regulus had
spent so much of his life wanting to disappear, wanting to be rescued. Now, with nothing left to
lose on his fifth day of being alive, Regulus knew that it was up to him to set his path straight. He
wouldn’t let James walk away again.

Regulus hopped off the small wall and began following James, he had already made it up to the top
of the street and Regulus had to jog slightly so not to lose him. James was walking quickly, and
Regulus couldn’t catch up as he weaved his way through the small streets. Eventually James came
upon a small stone building, he walked to the side of it and through a ramshackle wooden door set
back from the road. Regulus approached the door and hesitated outside for only a moment before
pushing it gently, it opened with a swing and led to a small staircase leading up a rickety and dusty
set of stairs. Regulus climbed up tentatively, suddenly feeling like he was probably imposing
himself where he wasn’t wanted. It was too late now though, he had to keep walking. He
approached the top of the stairs where the was a door and not much else, it must be where James
was staying. Regulus steadied his breathing and gathered as much courage as he could muster and
knocked gently on the door.

A few long moments passed, and Regulus began to doubt himself, maybe he had knocked too
lightly, maybe this entire thing was a bad idea. Just as he was about to turn and slip away into the
night, the door swung open and James was standing there, his jaw agape as he clearly realised
Regulus had followed him home. He had taken off his jacket and shirt and was standing there in
just his undershirt and trousers, his hair was slightly mussed up. Regulus couldn’t speak for a
moment, taken aback by the way James’ white t-shirt strained against his arms. How had he
forgotten just how beautiful James was?
“Regulus?” James said after a moment. “What are you doing here?”

Regulus cleared his throat and shoved his hands into his pockets guiltily. “Sorry. I followed you
back.” He replied. “I didn’t want to… I couldn’t leave things like that. Not after last time.” James’
brows furrowed and he considered Regulus for a moment before finally coming to some internal
decision. He stood aside and gestured into the small flat.

“Come in,” he said. Regulus nodded and stepped into the flat, he looked around the ramshackle
sitting room, whoever it belonged to had clearly left in a hurry. There were books and clothes
strewn about the place, and most of the furniture had been removed. Regulus stood awkwardly in
the centre of the room, unsure of what to do now he had invaded James’ space so wantonly. “Sit
down,” James said. He walked into the kitchen as Regulus took a seat and returned with two small
glasses. James filled them both with a measure of whiskey and handed one to Regulus. Regulus
took it gladly and took a long gulp of the burning liquid. James sat beside him on the sofa, he
didn’t have much choice as it was the only other seat in the room. There was still a gulf of distance
between them. Regulus sat on the edge of the settee, his knee bouncing with anxiety.

“What are you doing here?” James asked again when Regulus didn’t speak. Regulus turned to face
James, his body vibrating with nerves, his stomach clenched uncomfortably as he met James’
penetrating gaze.

“I… I need to tell you I’m sorry. For what happened between us.” Regulus finally managed to
breath out. James sighed and looked down at his hands, he’d clearly been expecting something of
the sort. “I was so selfish and scared. After everything we’d been through, I couldn’t face losing
you, so I thought it would be easier to say goodbye on my own terms. I was obsessed with finding
reasons why we couldn’t work, why you didn’t really care, how you couldn’t truly know me,”
James’ frown intensified, and he bit his bottom lip, still not meeting Regulus’ eye. “James, I was so
wrong, it hasn’t been easier in the slightest. I’ve missed you so much.”

He let the words settle for a moment, waiting for a reaction. James didn’t say anything, his mouth
was twisted into a grimace, and he was still staring at his glass.

“Okay,” James finally said after a moment.

“Okay?”

“Okay, I understand. You’re forgiven, or whatever it is you need to hear.”

Regulus inhaled sharply at the bitter undercurrent in James’ words. No, he didn’t understand, he
didn’t really know.

“James please, I don’t need to hear anything. I need you to understand. I spent three years feeling
numb, like I was already dead. A few days ago, I had life breathed back into me, and it was
because I knew I would see you again. Don’t you see? I was so scared of losing you, but what’s the
point of any of this if you’re already lost?”

James sniffed quietly but continued staring down into his hands. Regulus was becoming desperate,
he needed to get him to see, to understand. He dropped down from the sofa and moved in front of
James, crouching in front of his knees. James didn’t react, didn’t look up at Regulus, but continued
staring down at his glass.

“James look at me, please look at me,” Regulus said, tears were threatening to spill from his eyes.
James darted his own watery eyes up and met Regulus’ only for a moment before he glanced away
again, as if even the brief eye contact was painful. “I’ve always found it difficult to say what I’m
feeling, I’ve found it difficult to know what I’m feeling.” Regulus continued. “I shielded myself
from pain, heartbreak, from anything that made me uncomfortable. But it also made it so difficult
for me to recognise the good too.” James’ eyes were shimmering now, but they still wouldn’t meet
Regulus’. Regulus placed his hands tentatively on James’ knees, moving gently so to not spook the
other man, ready to spring back at the first sign of discomfort. “You were always able to say it, to
be bold with your love but I need… I need you to know it was never just you. What you felt- it was
never one sided. I loved you James, even though I couldn’t say it, I couldn’t speak the words, you
need to know I felt it.” Regulus stopped and let the words settle. James nodded slightly, a swift jerk
of his head. He sniffed and wiped his cheek with his hand, his eyes still steadfastly focused on a
point on the wall behind Regulus. Regulus, slightly emboldened by James not immediately pushing
him away, rose on his knees slightly so he was closer to James’ height on the sofa.

“James, I loved you then. I love you still. I never stopped, not even for a moment. The past three
years, I never stopped thinking of you, I never stopped loving you. Please, please forgive me
James.” He was crying now, and he knew his words were rambling and pathetic, but he didn’t care.
He needed James to know the extent of his feelings, the fact that he had never let go, that James
hadn’t been alone. Tears were streaming down James’ face now and he stared at the ceiling, he
was biting his bottom lip and he was still not looking at Regulus. After a long painful moment, he
finally cleared his throat and spoke.

“And what about that French fella? Barty. Does he know about this?” he said gruffly. Regulus
inhaled sharply and frowned.

“James, there was never anything between us. You have to believe me, he was a friend, a good
friend. But he wasn’t you, I haven’t loved anyone but you.”

“So you were alone?” James croaked out. He finally, mercifully dropped his eyes to meet Regulus.
Regulus felt electrified by the simple gesture of eye contact, something so small and so thrilling.
He nodded and smiled gently. “That… that doesn’t make me feel better Reg.” James said. “I
never… I didn’t want you to be alone.”

Bolstered by the brief exchange and the idea that they might actually be making progress, Regulus
grabbed hold of James’ hands. He kissed each knuckle and James observed him carefully as he did.
He moved from his knuckles to his wrists, kissing along the delicate skin. James watched him do
it, just the fact that he didn’t pull his hands away was enough to give Regulus a shred of hope.
Regulus stopped kissing his wrist and looked up at James with wide watery eyes, James’ gaze was
now focused on him entirely. He lifted a hand and gently stroked the side of Regulus’ face,
Regulus leaned into the touch, the soft burn on his skin was intoxicating. He moved his head to the
side and kissed James’ palm gently, running his hands up James’ legs. James seemed to suddenly
realise what was happening, he pulled back abruptly and shifted back into the sofa.

“Regulus… I can’t… this isn’t a good idea,” he said quickly. Regulus needed to quell whatever
voice was telling James that his was a bad idea, that Regulus wasn’t being honest. He needed him
to know how deeply he cared. He stood up in front of James and lowered himself down on the
sofa, a leg to each side of James, until he was straddling him. James inhaled but didn’t push him
away, didn’t move at all except to breath.

“Please James, I love you. I love you and I’ll tell you every day, every hour, every minute. Please
don’t doubt me,” Regulus said. James opened his mouth as if to say something, but he was clearly
unable to speak. Regulus leaned forwards and kissed his cheek. “I love you,” he murmured before
placing another kiss on his other cheek. “I love you,” he said again, placing a kiss on his eyelid. “I
love you”, his forehead, “I love you,” his nose. He peppered James’ face with kisses, avoiding his
lips and repeating those three words like a mantra. He had spent so long unable to speak them, now
he could, he could barely say anything else. “Please believe me, I love you,” Regulus said, moving
from James’ face to his neck.

James’ shaky hands finally moved from where they sat limply by his sides, he pressed a hand
against Regulus chest, pushing him back only slightly. Regulus sat back on James’ lap and looked
him in the eye. “Don’t lie to me,” James said. “Please, please don’t lie to me.”

Regulus sniffed, his face was streaked with tears, and he was shaking, but he held James’ gaze,
determined and honest. “I’m not lying. I’ll never lie to you James. I love you. I think I loved you
before I even knew you. You rescued my brother, you opened your home to me, and then you
opened your heart. I was so clumsy with you, but I did love you. And I love you just the same
now.” James considered his words, tears now streaming down his face too.

“I… I never stopped either,” his voice was quiet, almost inaudible, but Regulus heard what he
needed to. His heart swelled so suddenly, he felt as risk of keeling over right there. He tried not to
react too dramatically, to allow James to continue speaking. “I was angry, and I think it was pretty
shit what you did. But I understand it too… I understand why its easier not to let yourself feel when
the world is falling apart around us. I never really possessed the ability to hide my feelings I
guess.” James huffed a laugh and Regulus joined him, half a sob and half a laugh. James’ hands
had come to rest on Regulus’ hips, and he was circling his thumb through Regulus’ shirt
absentmindedly. Regulus could feel the sensation light him up from inside and he didn’t dare move
in case James should stop. “I do… I do still love you too Reg,” James finally said, flicking his eyes
to meet Regulus’ once more. Regulus inhaled sharply and was sure that this was what would
finally kill him. “I didn’t stop for a minute, I love you so much,” James’ sobs finally spilled over,
and he began crying properly. Once the waterworks had begun, Regulus couldn’t stop himself from
joining. He began sobbing too and leaned forwards against James’ chest. “Please, don’t leave me
like that again,” James said through his tears.

“I won’t.” Regulus replied resolutely. “I promise, I’ll never break your heart again. Break mine if
you want, I don’t care. I promise I’ll never damage yours again,” Regulus looked up at James’
tear-streaked face again and the glistening amber eyes that stared back. There was a long moment
where Regulus and James just looked at each other, three years of sorrow and pain held tightly
between them. James broke first, he pushed forwards and captured Regulus’ lips in a kiss. Regulus
didn’t hesitate to reciprocate, he shifted forwards on James’ lap and wrapped his arms around his
neck tightly.

James, emboldened by Regulus’ keen reciprocation sat up further and wrapped his arms around
Regulus’ waist, holding him tight against his body. He teased open Regulus’ mouth with his
tongue and groaned slightly as Regulus gently bit his lower lip. Regulus was on fire, his entire
body buzzed with excitement, and he was sure that he had never felt so alive in his life. James
pulled Regulus’ shirt out from his trousers and pushed his hands up his back, his fingers dug into
his flesh and pulled against his muscles. Regulus groaned against James’ lips as the other man’s
hands dipped just below his waistband, caressing the soft skin. Regulus raised himself up on his
knees and pressed himself against James, he ran his hands through James’ hair and pulled his head
back, exposing his neck for James to kiss. James didn’t need encouragement, he latched himself to
Regulus’ neck and groaned when Regulus whimpered against him.

Their movements were frantic and all-encompassing. Regulus had never felt so needy, so desperate
to touch as he did in that moment. He pressed himself entirely against the other man, feeling the
press of his hard body against his own, savouring every unreal sensation. He felt grateful,
lightheaded, and alive, so so alive. He ran a hand down James’ chest and stopped when he felt the
hard shape of a familiar locket beneath his t-shirt. Regulus sat back slightly, he reached gently for
the chain around James’ neck and pulled. He pulled his locket out from where it had been tucked
beneath James’ shirt and held it in his hand. It felt burning hot and Regulus couldn’t believe James
kept it, let alone still wore it. He rubbed it gently with a thumb and looked up at James who was
staring at him with stricken eyes.

“You kept it?” Regulus asked in a shaky voice.

“Of course I did,” was James’ response.

Regulus lowered the locket back onto James’ chest and rose from the sofa. In a swift movement, he
dropped down to the floor in front of James, he reached forwards with trembling hands and undid
James’ fly. James watched him with wide, dilated eyes, Regulus didn’t take his eyes off him as he
pulled at James’ trousers and pants until they were shoved around his thighs. James gasped slightly
as Regulus took hold of his erection. Regulus maintained eye contact and slowly lowered his mouth
until he lapped gently at the base of his penis. James’ hands clenched into fists by his sides, his
chest heaved harshly and Regulus relished every small movement, every beautiful reaction he
teased out of the other man. He took his time, savouring the slow process of James falling apart,
licking and sucking his way around James’ erection until James’ hips began moving to match his
ministrations. Regulus’ eyes remained fixed on James as he finally lowered his mouth over the
head, taking it down as far as he was able. James groaned aloud, and finally pulled his eyes away
from Regulus, dropping his head back against the sofa.

Regulus was encouraged by the enthusiastic response and began bobbing his head with purpose,
determined that he was going to give James the best blow job he’ll ever have in his life. When he
swirled his tongue around the head, James let out a high-pitched whine and his hand reached up to
rest lightly on Regulus’ head. Regulus reached up and placed his own hand on top of James’
encouraging him to grab hold of his hair. James picked up on the signal quickly and began lightly
pushing Regulus’ head down. Regulus crotch was uncomfortably tight against his trousers, the
pressure of James’ hand was intoxicating and the fact that he was doing this after all the time that
had passed was astonishing. He reached his hands up James’ body, pushing his t-shirt up over his
stomach. He caressed James’ firm stomach feverishly with each bob of his head. He was in heaven,
if he could do nothing else other than stay here, on his knees worshiping James, he would gladly
give his life to the cause.

“Fuck Reg,” James whined out, he had slumped down the sofa, his long body stretched nearly
horizontally across it. Regulus let his gaze drift up from his strong thighs, lightly covered in coarse
dark hair, up his naked torso, to where his t-shirt was bunched up just below his nipples. Regulus
reached up beneath the t-shirt and pinched, never stopping his fervent bobbing. James whined
loudly again, and his body bucked from the settee, Regulus kept hold of his hips despite the frantic
movement.

“James, are you- oh Jesus fucking Christ!” Frank’s voice cut across the heady spell as the front
door burst open and Frank walked in.

“Oh shit!” James launched himself up in shock, unintentionally shoving himself further down
Regulus’ throat who proceeded to cough and sputter at the sudden force. “Oh fuck Reg!” James
cried out, immediately realising his mistake.

The sudden chaos that descended upon the room lead to all three men sprawling around absurdly.
Frank had quickly turned his back to the scene and had proceeded to walk straight into the door,
banging his head against the frame. James was halfway between checking on Regulus and rather
unsuccessfully trying to pull up his trousers. Regulus was bent over on all fours, spluttering
through the shock.

“Sorry, sorry Frank-” James spluttered out, still trying to dress himself.
“No, no you’re fine.” Frank said in a strained voice, the pink flush up his neck revealing his
embarrassment. “You know what, I think I’ll go sleep down the barracks tonight.”

“No, you don’t have to,” James said again, his face burning red.

“You’re quite alright.” Frank said. He finally turned to face the pair; Regulus looked up at him
from the floor. He must have looked a right state, ruffled hair, pink cheeks, and puffy lips. James
was no better off, he’d finally managed to pull his trousers up, but he looked just as dishevelled.
“Um… good for you mate,” Frank said to James. He gave James a soft and genuine, if slightly
uncomfortable, smile before quickly hurrying out of the room.

Regulus turned to look at James who had such a hilarious look of mortification on his face Regulus
couldn’t help but laugh. His low chuckle quickly turned into a full-bodied hysterical laugh when
James’ disgruntled expression landed on Regulus, still sprawled across the floor. The horror
quickly turned to mirth and before they knew it, both men were bent over themselves, gasping for
breath. James collapsed back on the sofa and rubbed his hands over his face.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” he wheezed through the laughter. His pink cheeks betrayed his
humiliation. Regulus gathered himself together and approached James, he climbed up on the sofa
and straddled James again. He pulled James’ hands away from his face and smiled down at him.

“He didn’t seem too surprised,” Regulus said.

“Oh that’s a long story,” James laughed. He bit his lip lightly as Regulus began running his hands
down his chest.

“He said he would be gone all night…” Regulus said slowly. James’ eyes flicked up to Regulus and
a wicked smile pulled at the corner of his mouth.

“He did.” James replied, he rolled his body beneath Regulus, making it clear that he was far from
finished. Regulus launched himself forwards and scrabbled at James’ t-shirt, pulling it roughly over
his head while James did the same to his shirt. In a sudden movement, James sat up and positioned
his hands beneath Regulus, he stood from the sofa, bringing Regulus with him. Regulus yelped
with surprise and wrapped his legs around James, relishing in the way the other man’s muscles
strained with the effort. James walked them both into a small bedroom, his mouth never leaving
Regulus’. When he approached the small single bed in the corner of the room, he lay Regulus
down gently, hovering on top of him. Regulus felt lightheaded, as enraptured as he had at eighteen
when he had first kissed James outside his manor. James paused for a moment, looking down at
Regulus’ undoubtedly flushed face, he took a moment to trace a finger down his temple, across his
eyelid, and down to his lips. Regulus’ eyes fluttered closed at the gentle caress, and he allowed
James’ close inspection. He had been wrong; he knew that now. James had always seen him just as
he was.

An hour later, Regulus found himself in the small bedroom of the tiny flat. James’ glistening naked
form was below him on the small single bed and Regulus had never been more convinced that he
was dreaming. The last week must be nothing more than a delirious fantasy because it couldn’t
really be his James stretched out below him. Regulus writhed on top of James; he collapsed
forwards to mouth hot kisses against his neck as he thrust himself down against the other man. He
moaned wantonly with each movement and clawed handfuls of James’ hair for purchase, his entire
body pressed against the other, his erection was trapped against James’ firm stomach. James had
his arms wrapped around Regulus, his fingers digging into his soft skin, leaving pink marks against
his back and his buttocks.
“Oh fuck, Reggie,” James was moaning, the words were muffled against Regulus’ shoulder.
Regulus felt his entire body shimmer from the groans and expletives falling from James’ lips. He
pushed himself upright, so he was straddling James properly, and bounced on top of him, raising
his head upwards in some form of prayer. He let his hands continue to glide against James’ skin,
their prolonged absence made each revenant touch all the more electrifying. James was thrusting
upwards with as much power as Regulus was pushing down, and their bodies united in a brutal,
rhythmic pace.

James’ face was furrowed in concentration, his eyes were dark and glazed. He levelled a furious
look at Regulus as his hands made purchase on his hips, pulling him down with tremendous force.
In some faraway part of Regulus’ clouded brain he was somewhat aware of the loud grunting, the
slap of skin, the rhythmic thud of the bed beneath them.

“Baise-moi, baise-moi fort, baise-moi à mort,” Regulus was moaning, apparently his lust-addled
brain had forgotten how to speak English.

“Yes sweetheart, speak French,” James whined as his movements gained pace.

“Je suis amoureux de vous. Reste à l'intérieur moi, reste avec moi pour toujours,” Regulus’ was
mumbling.

“Fuck that’s so sexy,” James murmured. Regulus’ erection was bobbing between them, and James
licked his lips as his gaze dropped to it. He sat up suddenly, as if attempting to bend over and reach
it with his mouth. The sudden movement toppled Regulus off-balance and he pulled James with
him as they both tumbled off the small bed onto the hard wooden floorboards. Incredibly, James
just kept on thrusting, all the way off the bed until he was lying on top of Regulus, pinning him to
the ground. Regulus gasped and wrapped his legs around James as he continued rutting into him,
gasping in an animalistic frenzy and clearly entirely unable to stop.

Regulus whimpered helplessly. James ran his hands down Regulus’ arms until they were holding
hands. He lifted them up above Regulus’ head and just kept moving. Regulus was stretched out
beneath him, entirely able to form a coherent thought beyond, yes, please, and more. James, still
with that frenzied look in his eye sat back on his haunches and pulled Regulus hips against him like
a rag doll, grunting loudly with that intense furrowed brow. Regulus heard himself wail with
pleasure as the position shifted and he became somewhat aware of the loud howling noises he was
making. They were pretty hidden away in the little flat, but his volume was echoing around the
small room. Regulus reached out and grabbed the first piece of clothing his fingers touched and
stuffed it into his mouth, it was James’ underwear, he realised too late. He bit down on the soft
material to prevent himself from letting the entire town know the rabid fucking he was getting.

“Jesus fuck,” James said on seeing him with his mouth full. “Christ, Reggie, fuck I’m going to-”
James let out an animalistic roar as he spilled into Regulus. The sight of his eyes rolling back in his
head, the soft sheen of sweat across his body was too much for Regulus and he followed
immediately behind. James collapsed on top of Regulus, both breathing as if they’d just run a
marathon. “Fucking hell,” James murmured against Regulus’ ear. Regulus pulled the cotton out of
his mouth and found the energy to wrap an arm around James’ back.

“Yeah,” he breathed.

“I love you,” James said softly, his face still buried against Regulus’ neck. Regulus steadied his
heart; it was easy now. He knew he felt it, he’d already said it. He would say it every day for the
rest of their lives.

“I love you too James.” Regulus felt the small huff of laughter from James at the words. After a
few moments, laying naked in the centre of the room, Regulus found he had finally gathered
enough brain power to think about getting up. He gently prodded James’ shoulder who let out a
soft snore, dead to the world and pinning Regulus to the ground. Regulus laughed and looked at his
sleeping face, his eyelashes fluttered slightly and a tiny smile on twitched at the corner of his
mouth. They could stay like that a while longer, he decided, wrapping his arms around the other
man before promptly drifting off to sleep himself.
 Chapter 30

James

James woke slowly to the first rays of morning sunshine filtering through the small bedroom
window. He came to consciousness slowly, feeling content and rested for the first time in what was
likely years. He was only momentarily confused as to why he was lying on his bedroom floor
when a body shifted next to his. The previous evening came back to him in one overwhelming,
heart stopping rush and he snapped his eyes open to get a glimpse of Regulus, to check that it had
actually been real. Regulus was wrapped around his body and had his head resting on James’ chest.
His arm lay across his body protectively, his hand reaching up to gently cup the side of James’
neck, as if he was feeling for a pulse in his sleep.

A blanket had been pulled over the pair during the night, James could only assume that Regulus
had managed to drag it off the bed at some point. He pulled his arm around the other man and held
him close, breathing the soft scent of peppermint soap deeply. Regulus’ long dark eyelashes were
flickering slightly as his eyes moved beneath his lids, his brow was slightly furrowed. He was
dreaming, and James desperately wanted to know about what.

It couldn’t be real, to have Regulus in his arms after all that time. To have him lying peacefully
against his chest as if there wasn’t a war raging right outside the door. The small fleeting thought
that maybe this was a bad idea, maybe he should have pushed Regulus away the previous night,
maybe he should be protecting his heart more securely than he ever had, crossed his mind. It was
impossible thing to fathom, in no world would James have had the strength, and he knew it. The
fact that he didn’t pull Regulus towards him the moment he opened the door, the instant he saw
him in the middle of a battlefield, demonstrated a rather impressive level of self-control. Besides, as
much as Regulus had denied it in the past, James did know him. And he knew that he was being
honest. The words wouldn’t have come easily to him so the fact that he had been brave enough to
speak them aloud was all James really needed as proof.

James was certain that the Black brothers were two of the bravest boys he had ever met. Two of the
bravest, and the most self-loathing. Neither one had ever really seen themselves worthy of anything
good, kind, or gentle. Sirius had always channelled that into becoming loud and extroverted. He
would plan pranks, laugh loudly, and talk to strangers at every opportunity. He was the perpetual
party-crasher and never seemed to realise that the parties, the people, the laughter, orbited and
originated straight from him. Regulus on the other hand, he took that self-loathing and internalised
it deeply. He let it fester and grow and rot inside of him. He allowed people to take what they
wanted from him and never asked for anything in return. James never needed to teach either of
them to be brave, but it was his job to show them that they were worth loving, just as they were.

Regulus shifted in his sleep slightly, nuzzling into James’ chest and blinked his eyes open. He
frowned slightly, clearly similarly confused as to his location on the dusty floor as James had been.
Realisation hit him quickly and his eyes darted up to latch onto James’. A light pink tinged his
cheeks almost immediately and James could feel himself falling, all over again, at the sweet look
on the other man’s face.

“Morning,” James said in a raspy voice. A smirk teased the corner of his mouth and Regulus’ flush
deepened.

“Thought I was dreaming,” Regulus replied.

“Nope.” James’ smile widened into a large toothy grin, and he wrapped his arms around Regulus
tightly. He rolled them over until he was lying on top of the other man and Regulus squawked at
the sudden movement.

“Fucking hell James, let me wake up before the acrobatics,” Regulus huffed. He raised his hands to
gently stroke James’ biceps as he looked around the room. His gazed settled on the small square
window that was now streaming light through it. “What time is it?” he asked.

“Only five,” James replied, checking his watch. “We have some time.”

“Not much.”

“Enough.” James’ waggled his eyebrows at Regulus and presented him with a mischievous grin.
Regulus was stretched out beneath him, still entirely naked from the previous night and he tried to
fight the grin that was spreading across his face. He bit his bottom lip and rolled his hips beneath
James, letting him know exactly how on board he was with James’ current train of thought. James
leaned down and captured Regulus’ lips in a soft closed-mouth kiss. They remained like that, their
hands gently caressing each other as they kissed gently on the bedroom floor for several minutes.
Eventually, James became impatient, he reached a hand between their bodies and took Regulus’
erection into his hand. Regulus hissed at the contact and widened his arms, stretching his
undoubtedly stiff muscles. James took the opportunity to kiss Regulus’ exposed torso, across his
chest and up his neck as he continued stroking him with purpose.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” James murmured against Regulus’ chest.

“I might not be… there’s a good chance you’re a figment of my imagination,” Regulus laughed in
reply.

James worked his way up Regulus’ body and positioned himself more firmly on top of him, kissing
him across his entire face. He didn’t have the patience for anything more, he just needed to be
close. He lined their bodies up, so they were connected from shoulder to hip and gasped into
Regulus’ neck as he began to grind against the other man. They thrust against each other in the soft
morning light, the low sounds of grunting a far cry from the racket they had made the night before.
James was pressed against Regulus with every inch of skin he could, and Regulus similarly had
wrapped himself around James so tightly they moved as one. James pressed himself against
Regulus, as close as he could get and felt his movements become more ragged and desperate. His
feet slid across the smooth floorboards as he tried to get purchase. Regulus’ movements also
became increasingly frantic, he wrapped his legs around James and groaned into James’ neck as he
came. James gasped into Regulus shoulder and cried out with a final frenzied thrust before
collapsing on top of him again. Once they had managed to catch their breath, they dragged
themselves up into the bed. They lay closely entwined on the tiny single bed; James’ limbs cast
over Regulus’ body.

“What’ll we do Reg?” James asked quietly.

“Hmm?”

“When this is all over. When we’re back home. I can’t lose you again.”

“You’re not going to lose me James,” Regulus said resolutely.

“I’ll come with you to London, we can get a flat like you were going to before.”

“You’d hate it there” Regulus laughed. James shrugged, he was probably right, he couldn’t quite
picture himself in the large bustling city. He was always far more attuned to the slower pace of the
countryside, but he’d do it for Regulus. “Besides, I like Godric’s Hollow.”

“Ha, I’d never thought I’d see the day.” James teased. “I knew I’d convince you about the place.”

“Well, you gave me a great incentive,” Regulus joked back before kissing James’ neck gently.
“And Lily’s there of course. Although I hope she can still find a way to get to London, to do her
course.”

“Mmm,” James agreed. “I can see Remus in London even less than I could see myself though.
What on earth would he do with himself.”

“Yeah,” Regulus furrowed his brows at the reminder of the pair. “Such an odd couple, I want to
know how that happened.” James shrugged in reply.

“Not that hard to imagine really. Lily was feeling pretty down about everything when I last saw
her. She felt trapped and like she wasn’t being useful. Remus… well he was grieving wasn’t he.
Wouldn’t have taken much to find comfort with each other.”

“I suppose,” Regulus said, unconvinced. James stretched and pulled himself out of Regulus’ arms.
He clambered up from the bed and walked over to the small window, not bothering to dress, he
pushed it open slightly and lit a cigarette. Regulus was stretched out across the small mattress, and
he was watching him with a faraway gaze, and a soft smile pulling at the side of his mouth.

“I like seeing you like that,” James said.

“Like what?”

“Smiling. You never did it enough.” Regulus’ smile grew wider, but he bit his bottom lip out of
embarrassment.

“I like seeing you like that,” Regulus said after a moment, his eyes scanning James’ body lewdly.
James huffed out a laugh and stretched again. He jutted out his hip and raised a hand to his
shoulder.

“Do I look like the statue of David now?” he teased.

“Mmm… I think you were right. He definitely isn’t the perfect male form.” Regulus said. “And
you’re definitely better endowed.” James’ blushed and dropped his arm, he walked back over to the
bed and climbed on top of Regulus, straddling him lightly. Regulus pulled the cigarette from his
hand and took a puff.

“Shame we can’t go see it, it’s so close.”

“One day,” Regulus said in a small voice.

“We’ll go together?” James asked.

“Yes,” Regulus replied immediately. Regulus grinned and moved his hands up James’ thighs. In a
sudden movement, he pulled James down, so he was laying on his back and kissed him harshly. He
moved down James’ body and continued stroking his legs. He kissed James’ thigh sweetly before
biting the firm flesh, not enough to hurt, but enough to elicit a surprised yelp from James.

“Oi, what was that for?” James said through a laugh.

“Sorry- they’re just so…” Regulus’ eyes became glazed, and he looked up at James again. “How
much time do we have?”

“Not enough!” James laughed before pulling himself out of Regulus’ embrace. He knew that his
resolve was practically non-existent and one more look into Regulus’ eyes and they’d be stuck in
bed until their sergeant came hammering at the door demanding answers about where they were.

The pair eventually managed to drag themselves up and out of the flat for six am, although James
desperately wanted to say in their small bubble of sanctuary, away from curious eyes and
horrifying warfare. After Regulus peeled off to re-join his troop, James spent the day patrolling the
edge of town. The line that divided the south of Italy from the North was heavily contested and
fighting was almost constant. They had been lucky so far in that their control of the town hadn’t
been challenged for nearly a week, but James knew that the time was nearly up, the enemy would
be upon them soon.

He walked through the destroyed rubble remnants on the edge of town, his rifle slung over his
shoulder, and passed groups of soldiers keeping watch. He nodded to them all and tried to maintain
a somewhat professional appearance. He was having trouble fighting the urge to grin, and not even
the reminder of where they were, or why they were there, could dampen his good mood. He could
have laughed with the speed at which he had buckled the night before. Although he knew that the
moment he saw Regulus again, after all those years, there was no chance he’d have ever been able
to resist him.

James thought about the way Regulus had kissed him, soft and sweet and tasting of whiskey. He
thought about the small, gentle smile he gave James before making his way off to his duties for the
day. “I love you,” he had mouthed before disappearing into the crowds. It couldn’t be real, that
after all this time, one brave move by Regulus and he had sunk so solidly back into his arms.

He came upon Frank, sitting on a wall high above the valley that stretched out below. James joined
him wordlessly and passed him a cigarette before lighting his own. Frank nodded gratefully and
puffed, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the horizon.

“So, I take it you made up with Regulus?” Frank said after a moment. James snorted a laugh and
looked at his friend’s slightly flushed face.

“I did… yes. I’m so sorry Frank. That was so fucking dumb of me, I should have realised you were
coming back.” Frank waved him off and smiled.

“It’s alright. Got more than an eyeful mind, so that’s an image that will stick with me,” he laughed.
“But honestly James, I’m happy for you mate.”

“Thanks,” James replied, not finding it in himself to be too remorseful about the evening’s events.

“I know it’ll be hard for you two.” Frank continued. “Two blokes and all. You can’t exactly be
public about it and I’m not about to make that more difficult for you. He seems like a decent chap
anyway.”

“He is,” James agreed. He looked across the misty horizon, snow-capped hills in the distance
holding on as the last remnants of winter. “I told you about how he came to my house the summer
before… well all this. He had only been there a couple of hours and I was already obsessed with
him. The very evening he arrived I was trying to convince him how great Godric’s Hollow was. I
think subconsciously even then I knew I wanted him to stay. It’s funny that- how you can meet
someone and just know.” Frank murmured his agreement next to James. “Although maybe
everyone was right about me, maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic.”
Frank huffed a laugh and patted James on the back. “That’s not entirely inaccurate I’d say. But I
don’t think it’s the flaw you think it is. I’d like to say I know you fairly well by now, Potter. And
from what I’ve heard- the people you choose to love so quickly and unconditionally? They’re the
people who need it the most, the people who think they don’t deserve it.”

James was surprised at this answer and thought about it for a long moment. “What do you mean?”
he asked.

“You told me about that girl Lily you decided you were going to marry when you were a child.
And you also told me about her shitty family who always left her feeling like a disappointment, the
odd one out, like she wasn’t good enough. Your other mate, her husband…”

“Remus.”

“Yes Remus, well his dad sounded like a right knob- blaming him for what happened to his mother.
Then there’s Sirius and Regulus… well it sounds like you straight up rescued them. I don’t think
you dive in so whole-heartedly because you’re foolish, I think you do it because you know you
need to. Subconscious or not, you understand that the people you are drawn to can’t meet you
halfway at first, you need to take that step for them, to let them see what they deserve.”

James looked at Frank, who was squinting into the horizon, and felt such a sudden wave of
fondness he was sure he could have cried.

“Thanks Frank,” James said, feeling slightly awkward after the string of compliments. “That really
does make me feel better.”

Frank just shrugged, as if it was nothing at all. “Besides, you’re in good company. The moment I
saw Alice, I was gone.”

James laughed again and shoved Frank’s shoulder. “Well that I already knew.”

That evening, Regulus snuck away from camp and made his way to James’ small flat. Fortunately,
nobody paid much attention to Regulus’ whereabouts, as a recent recruit of the regiment he was
able to slip away without too many people noticing his absence. He began staying at James’ and
Frank’s flat almost every night until heavy shelling destroyed the entire building, and a dozen
others in the surrounding area. After that, they were all relegated back to their barracks and James
and Regulus were rarely able to find even a few minutes alone together.

It didn’t bother James too much however, just being able to see Regulus was enough for him.
Every day they would stand besides each other, their arms brushing subtly, or he would catch
Regulus’ eye across the square and see the soft blush in Regulus’ otherwise stony façade, and he’d
know he was okay. After three long years of trying to forget, the open wound had finally healed,
and James found the long tiresome days didn’t bother him as much.

He was scared though, more scared than he had been throughout his entire time in North Africa.
Because each time he watched Regulus leave the town, ready to face heavy gunfire and shelling, he
was faced with the possibility that he might not come back. It was a stomach-churning fear that
had been easier to ignore when he wasn’t faced with Regulus’ presence each day.

The next few weeks were a confusing mix of devastation and utter exhilaration. They had not yet
shaken the last cold snap of winter and with it arrived snow, ice, and rain. The fighting continued,
bloody and devastating as they tried to hold the line keeping the south of Italy in the Allies control.
James spent his evenings hunched in dugouts on the edge of town, eyes wide and waiting for
movement in the treelines. He spent his days engaged in gunfights and watching his friends drop
around him. While he was rarely able to touch, let alone hold Regulus, he would raise his hand and
gently touch the locket that still rested against his heart, and he was as close to home as he had
been in years.

On a cold and wet afternoon in early February, James and Regulus sat together on the edge of
camp eating a measly supper of stew and stale bread. Regulus reached out and hooked his little
finger with James’. They were isolated enough from the others that the small gesture of contact
went unnoticed. The small connection between them immediately soothed James’ heart and he
gently stroked Regulus’ finger with his thumb as they continued eating in silence.

“Sorry we haven’t had much time together,” Regulus said after a few moments.

“Not your fault,” James responded.

“I know- but I’m sorry all the same,” a slight waver in Regulus’ voice caught James’ attention so
he looked up to see Regulus’ brow was furrowed slightly.

“Reg? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Regulus replied. “I just… I don’t want you to think I don’t want to… you know. It’s
just we’re so exposed already and…”

“Reg…” James interrupted him, a slow realisation dawning on him. “Reg, I don’t care. I wouldn’t
care if we never shagged again. I would still want to be here with you.” He ducked his head to
meet Regulus’ eye. “Tell me you didn’t think I only wanted you because of… well that?”

Regulus returned James’ gaze; a slightly guilty look eased from his expression. “No, I knew it
wasn’t just that. But… it is quite an important part of our relationship.”

James turned to face Regulus properly, keeping his finger hooked in the other man’s. “Reg. I want
to sit next to you. I want to hold your hand. That’s as much as I need from you, and I’d be a happy
man for the rest of my life with just your hand in mine. Believe me.”

Regulus bit his lip but couldn’t resist the smile that pulled at his lips. “Oh, why are you such a sap
Potter? Fucks sake.” James threw Regulus a cocky grin and tightened his hold of Regulus’ finger.
“Mind you…” Regulus continued, “as much as I would be happy with just the same. I’m not saying
I want the shagging to stop. That’s very important for you to understand.” The sincerity in
Regulus’ voice made James shake with laughter, he so desperately wanted to kiss him, right there
in the open for everyone to see.

“Oh, you’ll hear no complaints from me.”

Their conversation was interrupted by Frank approaching their small camp. He gestured to the two
with his head, beckoning them over. “What’s happening?” James asked as he jumped up and made
his way to the other man.

“Not sure, our division has been called for a briefing.”

“This late? That’s a bit unusual, isn’t it?” Regulus said as he approached. Frank shrugged, but the
look of concern on his face was evident.

“Must be a change in orders,” he said.

The trio made their way through the camp towards the large tent that had been erected on the edge
of town and served as a centre of operations for the troops in the region. They made their way in
and saw that most of their regiment had already assembled around Sergeant Williams. The late
hour of the briefing wasn’t that unusual, the stalemate that had them stuck in position for the past
two months meant they often got called up in the middle of the night. However usually those
orders came much more urgently and informally than the current situation and something about the
tall man’s demeanour made it clear to James that something significant had changed.

“Right, men. I’ll keep this short.” Sergeant Williams began. “We’ve had orders to send you home.
You’ll be transported back to Blighty from Naples in two days. Prepare yourselves for the journey
South this evening, you’ll be leaving in the morning.” An excited murmur rose among the soldiers
and James was sure that he had misheard. “Listen up boys, don’t get too excited. You may get a
day or two leave to see your families if you’re lucky, but this is in preparation for an assault. You
will be sent straight back to training. Divisions are being sent home from battlefields across the
continent, so understand this will not be a holiday.” The Sergeant’s small beady eyes darted around
the group before he nodded gruffly and dismissed them.

“Fucking hell,” Frank said once the group had disbanded. “We’re going home.”

James was stunned, he stood slack jawed and rooted to the spot, unable to comprehend what he’d
just heard. They were going home, back to Britain, back to his family. He didn’t care if he didn’t
get even a single day of leave, just the knowledge that he would be so close, close enough for a
phone call, was enough. He was about to turn to Regulus, to celebrate the good news when
Sergeant Williams’ voice called out again.

“Before you head off, a word Private Black.” James’ eyes immediately snapped to Regulus, whose
own expression had shifted into apprehension. Regulus approached the sergeant and James joined
him. Fortunately, the older man either didn’t notice him, or didn’t mind his intrusion. He addressed
Regulus directly.

“I know you joined us from the 46th but for all intents and purposes you’re one of us now. You’ll
be on the transport back too.” Regulus nodded gratefully and James was sure that would be it, but
the sergeant continued speaking. “There will be a vehicle waiting for you at Kings Cross to take
you straight to St. Thomas’, you’ve been granted a few days leave considering the circumstances.
Potter- good thing you’re here too, I believe you have also been granted the leave. You can
accompany Private Black.” Sergeant Williams nodded at the pair, silently dismissing them before
turning his back on them to assess a table full of paperwork and a large map that had been laid out
on top of it. James shot a confused look at Regulus who looked as equally as perplexed as James
was.

“Sir?” Regulus asked when it became clear that the sergeant wasn’t about to explain further.
Williams turned around and looked at Regulus with a curious brow.

“Yes?” he asked, seeming annoyed that the conversation wasn’t finished.

“Sorry sir, I just wanted to ask. Why are we being taken to the hospital in London?”

Sergeant Williams’ eyebrows shot up in surprise and his eyes darted between the two men. “Did no
one inform you? You are the same Private Black with a brother in the RAF?” he asked, frowning
down at a clipboard.

“Yes sir.” Regulus confirmed, as confused as ever.

“Right then, this all looks correct. You’ll be taken straight to St. Thomas’ on your arrival in
London, I believe that’s the hospital they'll have him in.” The sergeant looked up only briefly
before turning his back on the pair again. James’ stomach dropped and his head became light so
rapidly that he staggered back a step to keep from collapsing.

“Sir?” Regulus said in a clear and desperate voice, the panic was clear in his tone. Williams turned
around, obviously impatient with the constant interruption. His annoyance shifted to confusion
when he took in the state of both Regulus and James’ thunderstruck faces.

“Yes?” he said rather gruffly.

“What did you say about my brother?” Regulus asked, his voice shaking significantly. “He… he
died over three years ago.” Sergeant Williams’ face dropped at those words, and he picked up his
clipboard again, scanning it with a furious look. James was sure he hadn’t taken a single breath in
at least a minute and each second the man scanned the paper in front of him stretched out for an
eternity.

“Jesus Christ, someone was supposed to inform you of this. Did no one tell you anything?”
Regulus shook his head as the sergeant finally looked up. He looked much more sympathetic now
and he reached a hand to clasp Regulus’ shoulder in a very unusual gesture. “Well then, I have
some good news for you son. He’s alive. Turned up somewhere near the border in Belgium. Was
pretty worse for wear as I hear it. I’m afraid I don’t know much more than that. It should take just
over a week or so to get back to Britain, so you’ll see him soon enough-”

James didn’t hear the rest of the sergeant’s speech as he collapsed to the ground and the world
went dark.
 Chapter 31
Chapter Notes

CW: There's quite a bit of violence and physical assault in this chapter.

Sirius

“Oh nothing. Let’s talk about it when you’re back.”

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Sirius hung up the phone and rested his head against the cool metal of the phone box. He sighed
out a breath of relief, tension releasing from every pore from the sound of Remus’ voice. He would
see him soon, even for only a few days. He would be back in his arms again, back in his bed, home.

Sirius returned to the airfield and spotted David and Seb huddled around a table in the corner of the
hangar. There were a slew of maps and documents spread across the table with a series of
complicated and thorough notes scribbled across the paper. Both men were studying the map
carefully.

“Alright?” Sirius said as he approached.

“Alright Sirius,” David responded. He and Seb were two other pilots that had taken part in several
objectives alongside Sirius. They had been there over the Channel when they had tried to get to
Dunkirk, and they would be with him on his next mission. “I think we’ll be good to go this
evening. Nice and simple, the target base is here” he continued, pointing to a spot on the map.
“Just north of Frankfurt”. We swoop in under the cover of darkness, take it out and we’ll be back
before breakfast.”

“Right,” Sirius said, looking at the map. He’d heard this before; he’d been studying the maps for
days. It was going to be the first direct attack on German soil, and he knew he had to be prepared.
They weren’t the only ones going, other pilots were being sent from a base in Sussex and a few
more from Kent, each formation targeting a different base. He’d fly in alignment with Seb and
David, and they’d be able to back each other in case of resistance. Not that there would be any, he
thought, the whole point of the operation was that the enemy wouldn’t see it coming.

Sirius left the pair and returned to his bunk, he had a shower and put on a fresh uniform. He could
feel the nervous tension that always began before a flight thrumming through him and he was
impatient to get going. He thought if he could just sprint for a mile or two, it might calm him down,
expend some of the anxious energy pumping through him. There was no time though, he had to eat
and make the final checks to his plane before the sun set. A few hours there, a few hours back, and
then in a day or two he’d be back in Godric’s Hollow, back in Remus’ arms.

Sirius forced his dinner down that evening, too jumpy with anticipation to have much of an
appetite. He knew he needed to eat something, being up in the sky and in control of the small
aircraft took his full concentration and more physical endurance than one would think. After a
briefing from his sergeant and a quick salute to David and Seb, they each got into their individual
aircraft and headed to the skies.

It was a crisp and clear night, with great visibility over the Channel. Even as they approached the
coast of the Netherlands, the view was unobscured. Twinkling lights of houses below indicated
that despite the occupation, life was enduring in the towns and villages below. It still amazed
Sirius, how short the distance was between the occupied nations and Britain. He’d crossed the
Channel in an hour and was suddenly flying over enemy territory. While the clear skies would have
usually been a good sign for any sane pilot, Sirius knew that it was bad news for them. They were
more visible than ever for any spectators looking to the skies. The trio flew higher than normal in
order to reduce the possibility of being spotted, the raid was supposed to be a surprise, and it
would do them no good to be noticed miles ahead of their target.

Sirius’ small plane rumbled rhythmically as he flew eastwards. He’d gotten used to the soothing
purr of the engine and had come to find it quite relaxing, like the gentle chug of a train easing a
passenger to sleep. He knew exactly what each bump and rattle of the aircraft meant, he could hear
the engine thrum and the low whistle of the wind against the fuselage. He had strangely become
quite attached to the hunk of metal.

They crossed the German boarder a little after one am. The moon was so bright in the sky Sirius
could clearly make out the hills and villages that dotted the country below. They remained at a
high altitude until they approached the German base. He didn’t know how many people were in
there, or what exactly they were supposed to be destroying, but he had learned not to think about it
too hard. The way he saw it, they were all fucking Nazis, whether they signed up voluntarily or not.
He couldn’t afford to let himself be bogged down in an ethical crisis along with everything else.
Bombing civilians however, like they had done in London, that was another thing. He pushed the
thought out of his head, if he received that order, well he’d deal with that when it arrived.

The trio of planes dropped low in a tight v-formation, well-practiced and rehearsed. They
approached the base and were directly overhead when he heard David’s voice crackle over his
radio.

“At your convenience… time to release”

Sirius triggered the bombs on the prompt and swiftly pulled his aircraft up towards the clouds
alongside the other two planes. They turned around in a wide swoop and Sirius was immediately
faced with several huge fireballs shooting into the sky and the orange glow of fire below that
signalled they had hit their target. The flames were much larger than expected, much larger than
could have been produced simply from their bombs. They must have hit something big, an
ammunition store maybe. Sirius grinned as he gained altitude and pushed forwards. Their mission
for the evening complete in only a few short moments.

“Nice work boys let’s head home,” David’s voice rang out through his radio again. Seb’s voice
whooped in return.

“Rodger that,” Sirius said brightly. It was a smooth mission, they hadn’t encountered any
resistance, and the flying conditions had been perfect. Sirius scanned the horizon for a sign of an
enemy plane, or even a raincloud, and found nothing. He should have known it was all going too
well. Sirius glanced down at the photo attached to his dash. Remus, James, and his own youthful
smiles grinned back at him. He knew this war was far from over, but he’d have his respite soon.

They had been flying for less than ten minutes when Sirius first noticed it, the small lights in his
mirror. They’d have been easily missed among the bright stars surrounding them except for the
ominous steadiness with which they moved, and they were getting larger.
“Fucking fuck,” Sirius grumbled, sitting up a bit straighter in his seat. He pulled at his radio and
spoke clearly into it. “Eyes up, we’ve got company,” he said.

“I see them,” Seb replied. “How many do you reckon?”

“Looks like two,” Sirius answered.

“Three.” David’s steady voice crackled through the radio. “There’s another tailing above.”

“Fucking cunting fuck,” Sirius muttered aloud.

“We’ve faced worse, let’s continue for ten miles and see if they drop away. If they’re still tailing,
fall into formation and handle them. You know what to do,” David said.

They continued flying for less than five minutes, Sirius’ entire body was tense, and his eyes darted
to his mirror every few seconds to check if the lights were still behind them. They were. And they
were getting closer.

“They’re gaining on us, we’re not going to be able to outrun this one,” he said into his radio.

“You’re right. It’s go time.” Came the reply.

Sirius didn’t need telling twice, he manoeuvred his joystick to the right in a sudden movement,
tilting his plane on its axis and turning in a wide loop. He could see David and Seb’s planes doing
the same next to his. They aligned back into a well-practiced formation as soon as they had turned
to face the incoming enemy bombers. The German warplanes had clearly spotted their change in
direction and had apparently come into range. Gunshots began flying though the air at a swift pace
and Sirius’ entire aircraft rocked when a barrage of bullets pummelled into his wing. He swooped
harshly to the right to avoid the worst of the assault and lined up the closest plane in his crosshairs.
He began firing, keeping the line steady and his heartrate even.

He'd done this before, many times by now, and in worse conditions. He could do it again. The
enemy planes swooped out of the way; Sirius could only see two of them, but David had insisted
there had been a third. Sirius was locked into a frenzied dogfight with one of the bombers, darting
and chasing each other through the skies. Sirius could make out Seb’s plane similarly engaged with
the other aircraft, and he hoped that David was handling the third.

The bomber manoeuvred around in a sharp circle, in what Sirius had to admit was an impressive
display of skill and straightened up behind Sirius. He spotted David’s plane circling up ahead and
tilted his joystick back, pressing all his weight into it so the nose of his plane shot straight up into
the sky. The sudden incline pushed Sirius back into his seat and clearly caught the German plane
off guard. By the time the other plane had started to ascend, David had caught him in his crosshairs
and was successfully barraging the side of the fuselage with bullets. Sirius dropped back down and
joined the assault, aiming for the engine. He had gotten close enough to see the shadowy figure
sitting inside the other plane, and close enough to see the windshield shatter and the figure drop
forwards, hit by one of his or David’s bullets.

“He’s down,” Sirius said impassively over the radio. He turned his plane and located Seb in the sky
before the first bomber’s plane had even begun to fall out of the sky, he didn’t need to see it. Seb
was still locked into a furious dogfight and when Sirius and David joined the fight, the German
bomber could only turn in retreat. They didn’t let up however, and after several minutes of constant
bombardment, that plane also tumbled out of the sky in a ball of fire and smoke.

The three aircraft aligned themselves back into formation and Sirius scanned the skies wildly for
signs of a third bomber.

“Is there a third?” he asked across the radio.

“Yes. I’m certain I saw it,” David replied.

Sirius’ uncertainty was answered a second later as a third bomber appeared, as if out of mid-air. It
descended rapidly from a high altitude and seemed to lock on to Sirius’ plane.

“Fucks sake, it’s outnumbered!” Sirius cried. Surely the other pilot knew the battle was lost, what
on earth was he still doing up there? Sirius peeled out of formation to avoid the onslaught and was
surprised when the bomber trailed his movements almost exactly. He kept his eyes on the mirror,
the plane was close on his rear. Seb and David’s aircrafts had moved into position behind the
bomber and were attacking it from each side.

The enemy bomber didn’t seem to let up, the pilot didn’t seem to care. He was steadfastly targeting
Sirius’ plane and seemed to have a death wish. No matter how quickly Sirius darted out its way,
quick rises and rapid drops, the plane remained on his tail.

Sirius had learned to remain calm in the heat of battle, to keep his heart steady and his emotions
muted. It didn’t do any good to be fearful when you’re stuck in a tin can in the sky, and so he had
developed the keen skill of keeping those emotions buried deep. Now, however, he felt the first
brief flashes of fear begin to rise in his chest. He was unable to shake him off and of half the
bullets being fired by David and Seb were hitting his wings.

“I said I’d come home, he’s expecting me home,” Sirius mumbled as he used all his training and
practice to move his way out of the line of fire.

An enormous bang rocked Sirius to the side, his aircraft shuddered and wheezed. He glanced to his
right and saw that his engine was on fire. That’s fine, thought, he had a second engine. Another
blast and the shuddering propulsion that he had become so familiar with came to an eery stop. For
one eternally long second, everything was silent, and Sirius knew his plane well enough that he
didn’t need to look to understand he was in trouble. When he did look, his fears were confirmed.
His other engine, the one not currently on fire, had been entirely blown off, taking half the wing
with it.

Sirius didn’t have time to radio, to straighten the nose or prepare for a crash landing. The small
plane fell out of the sky with such speed, he was sure he would have been thrown straight through
the window had he not been strapped in. Sirius reached around desperately for the emergency
evacuation trigger, he pressed it repeatedly, but it didn’t release. With nothing left to lose, and the
earth approaching rapidly, he pulled on the joystick with all his weight, with as much strength as
he had used in his entire life. A guttural roar escaped his throat and he screamed with fury as he
pulled the joystick, trying to level the aircraft, to lessen the impact.

He smashed into the earth in a hideous scream of steel and smoke. The plane skidded for at least a
hundred metres across the earth. A loud crunch and the tail was gone, a shuddering jolt and his
wing was ripped from the shell. Sirius’ body was launched upwards, and neither his helmet nor the
straps holding him in prevented him from smashing his head against the roof of the cabin.

When the aircraft finally came to a stop, and Sirius’ body had ceased being flung around like a
helpless ragdoll, he was mercifully, miraculously still conscious. His entire body ached, he could
feel a wetness dripping down his head, blood. He tried to reach upwards to undo his buckling, but a
lightning shot of pain prevented him from moving his arm. It was dislocated if not broken. The
smell of petrol and smoke quickly engulfed him, the sound of roaring fire and hot black smoke
poured into the cabin. He used the arm he could still move to pull himself out of his constraints and
pulled at the windshield. It had been bent in the crash and was stuck shut. Sirius screamed again
and pulled at it with all his strength, when that didn’t work, he sat against the far side of the cabin
and kicked. He kicked through the dust and smoke and the imminent death that was coming for
him. Finally, the glass cracked, and Sirius used his shoulder to push out a large chunk of
windscreen, just big enough for his body to fit though.

In a last second moment of madness, he hesitated and grabbed the photo that had been stuck to his
dash, he stuffed it into his pocket and pulled himself through the window using his good arm.
There wasn’t much left of his plane but what was still intact was on fire. He jumped down to the
ground, landing heavily in a muddy field. He stood quickly and staggered away with as much speed
as his broken body would allow. Only seconds after he had exited the plane, his remaining engine
blew up in a large explosion of hot orange flames. He staggered away and collapsed face up in the
field.

Above him in the sky, he saw the smoky tendrils of what he could only assume was the German
bomber. They’d got him, was his last thought before he passed out in the mud.

A sharp thud to his stomach lurched Sirius awake. His eyes snapped open, and he was immediately
blinded by the bright morning sunshine pounding down on him. He wheezed and threw an arm
over his face, trying to get his bearings. Loud, angry voices were shouting above him, and it took
another kick to his stomach for him to realise he was not alone.

He blinked a few times and attempted to sit up. Something pushed him back down onto his back.
There were two soldiers standing over him, grim expressions on their faces as they stared down at
him. They were shouting at him, loudly and in German. The barrels of their guns were pointed
directly at Sirius’ face. Sirius attempted to raise his arms in a pacifying gesture, but a white-hot
pain flared across his shoulder and he emitted an unintentional pained cry.

The men pulled on his lapels until he was standing, he swayed on the spot, barely conscious and
blinking around himself furiously. He scanned his surroundings, trying to get a lay of the land. The
soldiers continued shouting at him, he only knew a little German, and did not have the faculties to
try to understand. He could only assume they were asking him who he was, what he was doing
crashed into what looked like a large open field. He squinted against the sunlight and spotted a
couple of jeeps idling some ways away from them. Several other soldiers were resting against the
vehicles and were watching the proceedings with some interest.

“Surrender,” Sirius choked out, his voice coming out in a raspy gasp. “I’m surrendering, alright?”
he said again as one of the soldier’s faces crinkled in confusion. The other man said something to
him and understanding crossed the first man’s face. One of them spoke English then, or at least
understood enough to get what he was saying. They conversed in a short brisk conversation before
clearly coming to some decision, they prodded Sirius’ sore shoulder, forcing him backwards
towards the trucks. When he arrived next to the vehicles, a man opened a back door and took out of
pair of handcuffs, he forced Sirius’ arms behind his back, and he screamed out in agony as his
dislocated shoulder was manhandled roughly.

Another indignant voice interrupted and a new soldier, older and with more badges approached
them. He must be senior, Sirius thought. He spoke in a clipped voice, clearly admonishing the
soldier currently manhandling Sirius. The lower ranking man dropped Sirius’ arms and began
patting him down. Fuck, they’d remembered to search him. They quickly found the knife that was
strapped in his boot which had been Sirius’ first thought when confronted with the angry faces, and
his notebook that fortunately contained little more than some random scribblings. It also had his
identification in it, he realised. There would be no pretending to be someone else. When they were
done, his arms were painfully pulled behind his body once again and he was shoved headfirst into
the back of the truck.

He bit his tongue to prevent himself from screaming from the pain, he knew it would not do him
any good to show any weakness or antagonise them further. He rolled his body around, taking the
weight off his injured shoulder and remained prone on the floor of the vehicle. The soldiers were
having an irate conversation outside the window and after much deliberating they got into the
vehicles and began driving. He hadn’t been immediately killed, so that was a good sign. Sirius
could only assume they had been discussing the merits of shooting him right there in the field.
He’d have at least as much time as it took to reach their destination to come up with a plan. The
problem was, he couldn’t think of a fucking thing.

His shoulder burned intensely, his chest was sore from the seatbelt’s force, every bone in his body
ached and his head still felt incredibly woozy. He was in no shape to fight his way out, not to
mention the fact that he was greatly outnumbered and didn’t have a weapon. Even if did manage to
escape by some miracle, what would he do? He knew they must be somewhere in Germany, west
of Frankfurt. But that area was expansive, and unless he was able to find his way to pockets of
resistance, the nearest haven was Switzerland, over 200 miles away as the crow flies. It would be
impossible for him to make it there on foot, in his RAF uniform, without any provisions.

He darted his eyes around the back of the truck, scanning it for anything useful, anything he could
use to defend himself but came up empty. He was out of options and out of luck, he was fucked.

The jeep trundled along bumpy country roads for over an hour. Sirius remained flat on his back in
the boot of the vehicle. He didn’t want to draw any unnecessary attention to himself by moving but
regretted not sitting up against side. He was unable to see anything outside of the widows except
the clear blue sky and the occasional tree passing. He needed to get more information, to find out
exactly where he was. He dropped in and out of consciousness and tried desperately to stay awake.
The stress had left him feeling tired and his eyes kept drooping closed.

Eventually, after two more hours being shoved around the back of the truck, he felt the engine
slow. They were coming to a stop. When the engine spluttered to silence Sirius was pulled roughly
out of the truck and shoved forwards. The momentum and his weakened state led to his knees
buckling beneath him. He dropped down onto the harsh rocky gravel below and grunted in pain.
He bit his lip again to prevent himself from making too much noise. Don’t show weakness. In
seconds he was pulled back up and pushed forwards on staggering legs. He looked around and for
the first time noticed the large ominous building looming out in front of him.

There was a large grey building obscuring the sky, threateningly tall and with tiny windows. The
plaster on the walls was cracked and caking. Vines were growing through fractures in the walls
and tiles were missing across the large rectangular rooftop. It looked like it had been abandoned
some years ago. However now, the place was alive with activity. A large, barbed wire fence
surrounded the building, and several other wooden shelters, which looked much newer, were
encased within the perimeter of the fencing. Wooden towers were placed outside the encampment
and Sirius could tell immediately that the entire place had been hastily put together. The wood was
light and not yet weathered from the elements, stumps of trees were still protruding out of the
ground where they had been cut down.

Sirius scanned the surroundings, trying to gather as much information as he could without seeming
too suspicious. He could hear water behind him, and a quick glance showed a large river roaring
about a hundred metres away from the entrance of the building. It seemed to circle around in a
wide bend. He remembered the bumping of the truck as they travelled over something metal, a
bridge perhaps. All the vegetation, trees, bushes, any kind of cover had been hacked away between
the riverbed and the prison. Someone standing in the guard tower would have full visibility of
anyone travelling across the area, anyone trying to escape.

Sirius was led through large metal gates, guards at the entrance glowered at him, Sirius took note
that there were four of them, all armed with large rifles. He was led across a flat expanse of earth,
beaten down from use. People walked on it regularly, some kind of exercise yard, he thought. The
small wooden shacks had their doors closed so Sirius couldn’t make out what their use was. They
were inside the compound, so not likely accommodation for the guards, maybe they were extra
dorms? An outhouse probably. Sirius couldn’t imagine that the decrepit building had working
plumbing.

Sirius took note of one of the shacks, it was different from the others as it was made from brick,
not wood, and looked about as old as the main building. It was on the edge of the yard, only a few
feet away from the main fence. Interesting. A tall guard tower loomed over the building about
twenty metres away, but the sharp turn of the yard meant that the far corner was almost certainly
hidden from view. A soldier was walking around the perimeter of the fence, and Sirius noticed
another standing close to the stone shed, they knew about the blind spot then.

Sirius kept his head bent low but his eyes up as they made their way into the building. Long dark
corridors spread east and west from a central hallway. Thick wooden doors dotted every few
metres. He was paraded down a long corridor and then shoved into a small room. One of the
soldiers removed his handcuffs and he was finally able to relieve some of the tension in his
shoulder. The room was empty except for a small broken desk in the corner. Had this placed been a
school? It was surely too remote, maybe a hospital, or an insane asylum. Either way it was clear
nobody had roamed those corridors for a long time. Undoubtedly the thousands of prisoners
captured had overwhelmed the current camps and they were making do with run down dumps like
this. All for the better, Sirius thought. If they were getting sloppy then Sirius could find its
weakness.

Another soldier walked in, he was tall and bulky and looked to be in his late forties. He was senior,
at least more so than the men who picked him up.

“What’s your name boy?” he asked before he had even finished entering. Sirius glared at him from
the other side of the room. “Aircraftman Sirius Black, correct?” he said, pulling Sirius’ notebook
from his pocket. He spoke with a thick accent, but otherwise his English was perfect.

“Correct,” Sirius bit out, again choosing the path of least resistance. He would have his moment to
fight back, and it wasn’t now.

“You will tell me everything about the raid you carried out last night. What were your orders and
what are your next objectives?”

“Really? Don’t you think it’s a bit beneath your intelligence to entertain the idea that I’d tell you
anything?” Sirius snarled at the man. Rage enflamed the soldiers face and he approached Sirius in
two large powerful steps. He raised his hand and backhanded Sirius across the face. The force sent
Sirius stumbling backwards and he felt the red-hot flame of pain in his cheek.

“I don’t think you understand where you are boy. Speak!” the solider demanded. Sirius had always
had a short temper, a fuse that blew as soon as he thought himself mistreated. It was undoubtedly a
lingering side-affect from the years he spent unable to defend himself in his own home. All
thoughts of playing nice evaporated as soon at the other man laid a hand on Sirius. He turned his
head slowly, made sure to look the man in the eye and spat in the man’s face. The soldier exploded
in a fit of rage, he pushed Sirius back until he hit the wall behind him, the ache in his shoulder
flared up in an excruciating blaze. He gritted his teeth so not to scream as another blow hit him in
his stomach. He doubled over from the pain just as the man’s heavy boot smashed into his knee.
Sirius’ already sore body crumpled into itself, and he dropped to the floor clutching his stomach.
“Tell me how you knew where to target last night.” The man demanded. Sirius’ body was broken,
but his resolve remained intact.

“A little birdy told me,” he said, levelling a shit-eating grin at the man looming above him.
Another blow, this time directly to his face, then another to his stomach. Sirius barely held in a low
animalistic groan as he crumpled on the ground. He pushed himself up onto all fours and spat out a
mouthful of blood before sitting back on his knees. He looked up at the man, ensuring he made eye
contact, he wouldn’t be that easy to break.

The man’s furious expression darkened, and he turned on his heel, snapping something at the
soldiers standing by the door. When he had left, Sirius’ eyes landed on the two younger men by the
door, pleased smirks drawing across their faces. Sirius’ stomach dropped with dread at the cruel
looks. They approached him slowly as Sirius found himself alone in a locked room. It occurred to
him that they weren’t going to send their best to be fucking prison guards. It would be the most
sadistic, unhinged, unpredictable fuckers who found themselves assigned to that duty in the middle
of a war. Sirius braced himself, every bone of his body aching and lifted his shoulders back as far
as was possible without being sick from the pain. He raised his chin to the men defiantly, he
quirked an eyebrow and smirked right back at them.

Sirius didn’t keep track for how long the two men beat him for, but it couldn’t have been that long
as he was apparently still alive. He lay on the floor of the small, cold room and tried to take stock
of his injuries. His shoulder was still dislocated, his ribs were incredibly painful, and his breathing
was coming out in pained wheezes. He would certainly have a pair of black eyes, and his legs felt
like they were made of jelly. He wasn’t able to rest for long as he was hauled up and out of the
room. He was dragged through the building and down another long corridor, faces peered out from
small, barred windows in the doors of what he could only assume were cells. Eventually, they
stopped in front of a large heavy door, bulky iron locks restricting the entrance. Sirius noted that a
man held a chain of keys on his belt and was unlocking the cell door. He made note of the man’s
round red face and wavy brown hair and committed it to memory.

Without warning his was pushed into the cell, the door slammed behind him, and he fell face first
into the hard stone floor. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steady his breathing,
to remain calm. He looked up and scanned his surroundings, the gloom of the dark room was only
illuminated by a small, window on the far side. Thick iron bars restricted access through the small
space. There were several straw mattresses strewn about the room, a bucket in the corner and not
much else. There were two other men in the cell, however.

One of the men was young, very young by the looks of it. He was sitting in the corner of the room,
his arms curled around his body and wide eyes stared at Sirius. He had short dark hair, was
extremely thin and was wearing a French uniform. He must have been at least eighteen, but Sirius
had heard about men lying to sign up younger, and it wouldn’t have surprised him if the boy had
only been sixteen. The frightened look in his eye gave him the appearance of a small, frightened
animal.

The other man was British, by the looks of his uniform, infantry. Sirius could only assume he had
been picked up before the retreat at Dunkirk. He was clearly a few years older than Sirius, tall and
broad. He was leaning against the wall by the window and staring at Sirius with a considered gaze.
His sandy hair and dark brown eyes pierced into Sirius as if assessing his level of threat. After a
few long moments of silence, the man approached Sirius with an outstretched hand. Sirius looked
at it suspiciously before allowing himself to be helped to his feet.

“How on earth did one of your lot end up here?” the man said, eyeing up Sirius’ dark blue uniform
and RAF badges.

“The hard way,” Sirius grumbled. A smile broke out on the other man’s face, and he shook the
hand that was already clenched in his own.

“Corporal Christopher Wood,” he introduced. “And that there’s Emile Martin, doesn’t speak
much.” Sirius nodded and glanced at the young man still crouched in the corner, peering up at him.

“Sirius Black. So, tell me Chris, how are we getting out of here?”

“The front door is that way,” Chris said jovially, pointing to the sturdy locked door keeping them
enclosed.

“So, there’s no escape committee then?”

“Oh, there’s an escape committee alright,” Chris sighed, making his way back over to the widow.
“But between us and freedom, there’s a lot of thick walls and high fences. Lost two fellas a couple
of weeks ago to an attempt.”

“They didn't have me,” Sirius said with a confident smirk. He paced around the room, taking stock
of his surroundings and trying to ease the ache in his muscles. He knew if he sat still for too long,
he would seize up, it was best to keep moving. He grimaced and touched his tender shoulder,
trying to feel for the problem. It wasn’t broken he was sure of that now, but it fucking hurt. Sirius
could feel the jut of bone pushed awkwardly out of place and he ran his fingers gently over the
burning skin.

“Alright there?” Chris asked.

“Fucked my shoulder,” Sirius replied.

“Let me have a look,” Chris beckoned him over to sit on a small wooden stool and stood behind
him. Sirius undid his shirt and pulled it off the offending arm. Chris ran his hand over his shoulder
and touched him gently on the purpling bruise. Sirius hissed; the soft touch as painful as a hundred
needles spiking through his flesh. “It’s dislocated.” Chris announced, he raised Sirius’ arm and
pressed his weight against his back, holding his shoulder steady with his other hand. “You good
with pain?” he asked. Sirius didn’t have time to answer before Chris pulled his arm back with
considerable force and Sirius screamed in shock. A darting, dreadful jolt shot up his hand and
across his chest before a hot warmth spread from his shoulder.

“Fucking bastard!” Sirius cried out.

“Can you move it?” Chris asked. Sirius glared up at him but attempted to move his arm,
nonetheless. The dull ache in his shoulder was still there, but he was able to move his shoulder
again. He gently rolled his shoulder with some considerable pain. He grimaced but looked up at
Chris’s smug face.

“Thanks,” he said, somewhat resentful that he hadn’t least been given a warning.

“No problem. It’s going to hurt like a bitch for a while mind. But looking at the state of you, I’d
say you’re going to have a few aches and pains regardless.”
Sirius huffed a laugh in agreement. “Fuckers thought they could get me to talk,” he said.

“About what? Are we back? We haven’t had much news. Only hear dribs and drabs when new
blokes get hauled in.” Chris asked.

“No, we’re not back. Still very much fucking losing this shitting war,” Sirius said. “And before you
ask, I’m not about to tell you what I was doing or why I’m here. My plane crashed, that’s all you
need to know.” Chris clearly bristled at the untrusting nature of Sirius’ words. “They want
information from me, how much do you bet they’ve got their ears to the door right now,” he said
by way of explanation. This seemed to appease Christ somewhat, he looked at the door and nodded
grimly.

“Quite right, just because we’re here doesn’t mean we’re off-duty,” he said, his voice becoming
clipped and authoritative. Sirius glance a look at the Frenchman in the corner of the room,
watching them with interest.

“Vous vous appelez Emile?” He spoke to him in French. “How did you end up here with a bunch of
Brits?”

“Pouvez-vous parler français?”

“You can speak French?

Emile and Chris asked at the same time. Sirius laughed.

“Yes, I can,” he addressed to Chris. “Yes, my family is French,” he said to Emile. “Can you speak
any English?”

“A bit,” Emile continued in accented English. “I was separated from my countrymen. There are
some other French imprisoned here, Belgian and Dutch too.”

Sirius stood and joined Chris by the small square window. He looked out at the dark shapes,
highlighted only by the dimming dusky light and the moon above. He ignored the tremor in his
hands, the pit in his stomach, the fear that wrapped it icy tendrils around his heart. He wasn’t going
to allow himself to be afraid, because he was going home, he was making it out alive.
 Chapter 32

Sirius

The first fortnight of his imprisonment, Sirius’ days stretched painstakingly. Time seemed to be
running all too fast and much too slow at the same time. He had continued to be interrogated, to
little use as he had gotten quite used to the pain. He made note of the second day that passed, the
day he was supposed to have returned to Godric’s Hollow. After two weeks Sirius couldn’t deny
the fact that Remus would be wondering where he was. He’d probably heard the news of his plane
being shot down and thought he was dead. Would James think he was dead too? Would Regulus?
Sirius tried not to dwell on it, to bury any thoughts of his family away for a later day when he
would be ready to confront them.

The guards had eventually realised that they weren’t going to get any useful information out of
him. Anything he could have told them would have been quickly outdated anyway. So they eased
off only slightly. Sirius’ arrogant attitude and quick tongue had rubbed them the wrong way and he
often found himself at the end of closed fist or steel-capped boot.

One small mercy was that they were allowed outside for several hours each day. Hundreds of men
poured into the barren stone courtyard surrounded by the high fence. Sirius had taken to pacing the
perimeter of the fence line like a caged dog. He prowled from the edge of the prison through the
narrow path that led behind the shower block and across to the other side. Once there, he would
turn and begin the walk again. He was looking for weaknesses, even the tiniest sign of
vulnerability in the armour.

He was in a better position to be able to see the river from the courtyard, it was high and fast. The
only shelter Sirius could spot across the entire landscape was where the forest began on the other
side of the river bank. Sirius wished he could see the back of the prison, to see if there was any
shelter in that direction or if the desolate ground continued. He went over the series of events in his
mind as he paced, trying to make sense of what happened. Seb and David had likely seen the
explosion only seconds after his crash. They would have assumed he was killed and weren’t wrong
to do so. It was a miracle he’d survived. Regardless, he crashed in German territory so there were
no rescuers coming for him. He’d be stuck in this prison for at least as long as the war lasted, or
until he was killed.

Sirius had made a habit of watching the guards. They were vigilant at all hours of the day. Several
men were positioned in the high wooden guard towers while others paced the outside. He knew he
was west of Frankfurt, and he scanned the horizon for any visible landmarks that he could place
against the maps he had examined so studiously.

“It’s written all over your face,” Chris said as he approached Sirius. Sirius looked up, startled out of
his careful musings.

“What is?”

“That you’re planning an escape,” Chris replied. “You’ve got to be a little less obvious about it.
Might catch a few less beatings that way.”

“Every man in here is planning their escape and they know it,” Sirius countered. Chris shrugged
and leaned against the fence, looking out towards the river. Sirius turned and joined him.

“There are dozens of guards just on this side of the prison and a ten foot barbed-wire fence. Even if
by some miracle you get over the fence without being seen, that’s at least a 200 metre sprint down
to the river, entirely exposed and fully in view of those guard towers right there. Then, if by some
even greater miracle you make it that far, you’ve got a fucking raging river between you and
freedom.” Chris said, his gaze still focused on the treeline in the distance. “And what you’ll do
once you reach the other side, that’s anyone’s guess. There’s three hundred miles, thousands of the
enemy, and the English Channel between us and home.”

“The way I hear it, that’s only four things. One. Get through the fence. Two. Get to the river.
Three. Cross the river. Four. Make it home,” Sirius said with only a hint of amusement. Chris
laughed and turned to face him, an impressed eyebrow quirking at Sirius’ obstinacy.

“If anyone’s going to do it, I’m starting to think you might be the man,” he laughed.

“Anyway, who’s to say we have to cross the river? Have you seen the South side of the prison?
Surely there’s a way out there?”

“No,” Chris sighed heavily. “Didn’t you realise? We’re on an island. The river branches off and
meets again. Whichever way we leave this place, by bridge, boat, or body bag- It’ll be across the
water.”

“Shit,” Sirius said. “What about the bridge?”

“Didn’t you see it on your way in? That thing is even more heavily guarded than the prison. So,
tell me then Mr RAF, how are you getting out of here? Going to sprout some wings like Icarus and
fly away?”

“Stranger things have happened,” Sirius said.

Sirius’ days were broken up into chunks. He would be awoken early as the sun rose thanks to the
noise of the men in other cells and the bright sunlight that streamed through the cell window. He,
Chris and Emile would traipse down to one of the wooden shacks that served as a rudimentary
dining hall for a bowl of watery oats. He would go to the shower block to be pounded by icy cold
water, and then shoved back into his cell. On most days they would be herded out to the prison
yard for a few hours. It didn’t matter if there was torrential rain or icy sleet, day after day he would
pace the perimeter looking for vulnerabilities.

On his fourth week in the prison, he noticed a group of detainees lining up to be led out of the main
gate.

“Oi,” he said to Chris, who had taken to standing by him as he watched what was happening.
“Where are they going?”

Chris turned and looked at the prisoners, lined up and chained together.

“Work duty. They’ve starting using us to do the work of the men who are away at war. Farming,
mining, shit like that,” he said.

“How do I get on it?” Sirius said.

Chris shrugged. “It’s not likely mate, you’ve already singled yourself out as particularly
headstrong. They only send the most terrified men out to work.”

They were standing next to the stone shower block by the fencing. Peering out across the desolate
landscape when a soldier passed them on the outside. Sirius watched as he spoke with another man,
and quickly took over his position. He glanced at his watch, 2pm, right on time. He had made a
habit of tracking the guard changes, particularly in that area. A singular guard stood sentry twenty-
four seven behind the shower block as one of the only blind spots not visible from the towers. The
guards switched over every six hours. Two pm, eight pm, two am, eight am.

“How’s Emile?” Sirius asked after a moment, turning his attention away from the guards. Chris
shrugged.

“As good as he ever is,” he replied.

The weeks in the prison had quickly highlighted how fragile the young man was. He barely spoke,
even to other French soldiers. He was sat in the corner of the yard, dark circles around his eyes
with hollow, gaunt cheeks. He reminded him of Regulus a bit. Regulus had never been as small, he
had always been about the same height as Sirius. But growing up, Sirius had always seen him as a
tiny, frightened animal, his large eyes that almost seemed too big for his head watched Sirius take
beatings for him. Regulus had always been so afraid, and each beating Sirius took on his behalf
seemed to take as much out of him as it did Sirius.

Sirius huffed and made his way over to Emile, taking a seat next to him. Emile visibly flinched
with the sudden movement next to him and Sirius felt that familiar pang of protectiveness rise up
like a angry snake.

“How are you?” he asked Emile in French.

“I’m okay,” Emile replied.

“Yeah… I guess I’m okay too then.” Sirius replied. “Do you have people waiting for you back
home?”

Emile shrugged and sniffled slightly. He was clearly aiming for an air of maturity or nonchalance,
but his glistening eyes and trembling lip betrayed his fear. “I have a family. A younger brother and
my parents. I think they’re fine. I don’t know.”

Sirius frowned and chewed on his bottom lip. He scanned the courtyard, full of sleep-deprived,
malnourished, terrified men. “They’re fine,” he said, aiming for confidence. “Where were they?”

“Paris.”

“It’s a big city, I’m sure things haven’t changed all that much for them.” Sirius said. In truth he
didn’t know the first thing about what life was like in Paris right now. Were people still going to
work? To school? He couldn’t find the words to comfort Emile and so chose to change the subject.
“Anyone else? Do you have a sweetheart waiting?” he said with a sly smile. Emile’s eyes darted
up to his and Sirius saw the tiniest hint of a smile pull at his mouth. “You do!” he laughed. Emile
chuckled and shrugged bashfully.

“Yes. Her name is Chloé. I told her I’d be home in two weeks, and then we’d get married. That was
six months ago now.”

“Ah well, you’ve got to give her time to miss you right?” Sirius said, nudging Emile with his
shoulder. “She’s waiting for you, keep that in your mind.”

“And you? You have someone waiting?” Sirius darted his eyes quickly to Emile, whose expression
had significantly brightened, even his posture had relaxed slightly, his arms no longer tightly
wrapped around his knees.
“I do.” Sirius said carefully. “I told them I would see them in two days. Then I never went home.”

“They’ll wait for you too.” Sirius smiled and placed a hand on Emile’s shoulder.

“I hope so. They’ll not be waiting long. I’m getting out of here.”

“You and everyone else here,” Emile retorted.

“Everyone else wants to get out. I’m actually getting out.” Sirius said.

“Okay then, Sirius,” Emile replied amused and clearly unconvinced.

Days bled into weeks and Sirius had made no progress on figuring a way out. The winter had
drawn in and snow settled on the ground. Sirius could barely sleep, each evening he shivered so
violently under the flimsy blanket it took all his body’s energy just to fight off hypothermia. He
was exhausted and weak and the separation from the outside world didn’t help his constant feeling
of oncoming ruin.

The first news from the outside came from a stolen German newspaper. One of the other prisoners
had nicked it from a soldier who had dropped it in the corridor. A few people spoke enough
German to decipher what it said. Sirius didn’t need to be told, the picture on the front page was of
St. Paul’s Cathedral. The grey and grainy picture showed the renowned cathedral entirely engulfed
in smoke. Thick dark smoke engulfed the building and the burnt out structures surrounding it. The
picture was lit by the white hot flames still raging and Sirius’ blood ran cold when he saw it.

He couldn’t fathom the sight of the historic building that was so familiar to any British person
surrounded by such devastation. He knew that there would have been fighting, that London would
likely have been attacked. But now he realised it was so much worse than had ever expected. A
frightening thought that maybe Britain had fallen, maybe the whole country was on fire. The man
reading the article aloud made it clear that Britain had not yet surrendered, and that’s all Sirius
stayed to listen to, it was all he needed to hear.

He returned to his cell and paced it frantically, as he had gotten so used to in the previous days.
Was Marlene okay? He knew that she was living there now and if the bombing was as bad as it
looked, how could she possibly be okay? Fear pierced his veins and he thought he was going to be
sick. He walked to the window, the night sky was clear and icy above. He let his eye be drawn to
the moon, as it did every night. He wasn’t going to survive it here without knowing how everyone
was. He thought of Remus, alone at the manor. Who thought he was dead. He thought of James
too, where on earth was he? Was he even still alive? Was Regulus? Sirius also thought about the
pair of them. He had pushed that particular topic down for as long as he was physically able, trying
not to think about it amidst the mess of figuring a way out. But now, after the stark and brutal
reminder of home, the reminder of the danger the others were in, he couldn’t help but think about
everything that he had been so hopelessly blind to.

He had been so angry at Regulus. He was angry at James too if he was being honest, but his ire
was particularly directed at Reg. The last words he wrote to him had been so bitter and accusatory.
He was sure he knew how it had played out. Because he knew James better than he even knew
himself. That boy loved with all his heart, but he didn’t love easily. People would often assume the
opposite, that because he was so open and outspoken about his affections, that they must be fickle
and fleeting. Sirius knew that wasn’t the case. James only let himself love when he was sure of it,
and once he did it was his most natural instinct to let everyone know just how important that
person was to him, to make sure everyone else saw exactly what he saw in them. Which is why it
troubled Sirius so much that his apparent relationship with Regulus had been a secret.
Sirius wasn’t an idiot, he knew that James would have been hesitant on account of it being his
brother. It couldn’t have been because he was apparently shagging a man, James knew Sirius
wouldn’t care. He would be lying if he wasn’t a bit surprised, but he’d had enough revelations in
the past year to promptly move on from that one. It was the fact that James had apparently been
okay with keeping his relationship with Regulus a secret that bothered him so much, because it was
such an un-James thing to do. Regulus must have made him feel bad, or insecure, he must have said
something. Sirius wanted to know more, but he already knew he was going to find it difficult to
forgive Regulus. After everything they went through, after the months and years Sirius spent
beating himself up about not being good enough, Regulus had to swoop in and break the most
fragile thing Sirius had ever owned- James’ heart.

Sirius shook his head to sweep away the melancholy that was closing down on him. Just thinking
about confronting Regulus about breaking James’ heart had him feeling jittery. He scanned the
dark shapes moving along the fencing. He didn’t need to anymore, the schedule was always the
same, the change overs were always at the same time, and there was no weakness to be found. It
was impenetrable.

The winter turned to spring and Sirius still didn’t have a plan. He was quickly becoming irritable
and bored. He spent his days doing sit ups in his cell or running laps of the courtyard. Chris
laughed at him for his excessive exercising, and he was probably right. There was no way he was
eating enough to be exerting as much energy as he was, but he needed to keep strong, he was going
to have to run for his life. The impact of the sparse diet, exposure, and exercise was making itself
known on his body. He could feel his ribs poking thought his skin, and he would often wake up
with a pain in his hip due to the lack of cushioning from his bones. The dearth of food, news, and
anything to do had also made him weary and petulant, he was a kettle about to blow.

The moment finally came on a day in late March as he was eating his watery stew in the small
dining hall. He was glowering into his bowl, maddened by his complete failure to make any
progress. Emile was walking over to him, his body visibly flinching as he passed a guard. The
movement jolted his bowl slightly, resulting in his spoon tumbling off the side and clattering onto
the hard tile floor. The noise rang out across the room, and everyone turned to look. Emile’s face
was ashen white, and Sirius immediately felt his heckles rise. Emile quickly bent down to pick it
up, only to be stopped by the guard. He was a particularly malicious man who was always looking
for an opportunity to beat someone up. The man glared at Emile and stared at him as he reached
forward and pushed the bowl out of Emile’s hands. It dropped out of his grasp and clanked down
next to the spoon.

“Clean it up,” the guard said. Emile’s frightened eyes darted around the room, and he moved back
towards the counter to find the mop. The guard grabbed hold of Emile’s collar and forced him
round. “Now,” he grunted. The guard pushed Emile down to his knees and placed a boot on his
back, forcing him to bend over towards the spilled food. The larger man moved his large bulky
boot until it rested on Emile’s head, pushing his head into the floor. The wicked, sadistic grin on
his face was Sirius’ last straw.

He jolted up from where he was sitting and strode over to the soldier. Before the other man knew
what was happening, Sirius punched him in the face.

“Fucking bastard!”

He didn’t stop there, he pummelled him with his fists, screaming in his face. The guard,
momentarily stunned by the sudden attack stumbled back and Sirius saw a flash of fear in his eyes.
Good, he thought. Feel it.
Sirius’ onslaught continued for only a few more seconds before arms wrapped around his body and
pulled him back. He continued kicking out towards the guard with his legs even as he was dragged
out of the shack and thrown onto the rough concrete. He received one of the worst beatings he’d
gotten while in the prison for that stunt, and then thrown into a small window-less cell on his own.
His body ached and he felt nauseous, but he didn’t regret it, he’d never regret getting a punch in
against those pricks when he could. Throughout the three months he spent in isolation in the small
cell without access to the outside, conversation, the moon, he never once regretted his actions.

He regretted them the moment he was pushed into his old cell with Emile and Chris, however.
Emile was covered in bruises; his eyes were black, and he looked gaunter than ever. Sirius hadn’t
protected him, he realised, he hadn’t helped at all.

Spring turned into summer, which in turn changed to winter, and then the world spun on its axis
another turn. Sirius had been locked up for over two years. He was still no closer to deliverance.
His hair had grown to his shoulders, just as long as it had once been, but it was filthy and tangled.
He had new scars and bruises on him every day. He had kept up his rigorous exercise regime, even
in the sweltering heat of the summer. He had learned not to overdo it however and he had stopped
wasting away at quite the same rate as he had been before.

“Ah fuck,” Sirius hissed on a cloudy December afternoon. He was sitting in his cell with Chris,
who was poking him with a sewing needle and had a pot of congealed ink next to him. Over the
course of the past two years, the guards had been slightly more lenient with the supplies they were
offered. When the imprisoned soldiers’ uniforms began falling off their bodies and their underwear
became grey and toxic, they had relented and provided sewing equipment and cloth for the soldiers
to mend and make their own clothes. When the prisoners began fighting back more often, out of
frustration and boredom, they had provided paper, ink, and books. No news from the outside
however, the only times Sirius would hear snippets was eavesdropping on the guards and picking
up on the odd German word he understood.

Chris and Sirius had begun passing their time by tattooing each other. At first it was just to see if it
would work. They ran the needle over the flame of a candle and dipped it in ink, piercing words
and patterns into the other man’s skin. Sirius now had markings across his torso and down his
arms, Chris as it turned out had quite the knack for artistry and the designs had come out better
than Sirius had thought they would. Not that he would have cared, he just wanted more. The sharp
shock of pain as the needles entered his skin was addictive, his mind clouded over when he was
being tattooed, and for the first time in two years his head wasn’t loud with noise.

“Nearly there,” Chris said, leaning close to Sirius’ rib with a look of utter focus on his face. Emile
was stretched out on the other side of the cell, watching the proceedings with interest. Sirius had
offered to give him a tattoo, but after the first prick of the needle he had withdrawn in pain and
steadfastly refused to allow Sirius to continue. All that was left was a small dot on his upper arm
that could have easily been a freckle. “There all done,” Chris said, sitting back to admire his work.

Sirius twisted his body so he could better see the new artwork that stretched down his side, from
just under his nipple all the way to his belt. It was a string of circles, painstakingly shaded to
indicate the phases of the moon. Sirius looked down at the work and smiled, it was perfect.

They made their way out to the courtyard shortly after that, walking down the familiar long
yellowing corridors towards the patch of concrete they had come to know so well. Sirius winced
slightly as his shirt rubbed against the tender pressure of the new tattoo. He made his way over to
the fence and leaned against it, peering out across the barren ground between him and freedom.
Chris joined him, arms crossed and facing inwards.
“I don’t know what you’re looking for. You’ve been looking for something for two and a half
years now and found fuck all” Chris said.

“Anything,” Sirius replied. “A change or an opening. I’m not getting lazy,” he said, eyes darting
across the treeline.

“Hmm… I’m all ears when you see something Black.”

Sirius continued his watch for an hour as prisoners huddled together close to the prison’s walls,
looking for warmth. He could feel the cold seeping into his skin, the slight chatter of his teeth and
the vibrating energy of his legs, but he remained. He was about to turn around, head back to join
the others to gain some warmth when something caught his eye. The sky was bright white and
blinding with the winter sun, but he saw something move. He squinted his eyes and looked towards
the source of the movement and tried his best to focus. There was a something in the sky, far in the
distance and above the tree line. A plane, Sirius realised. And it was flying low, very low. Sirius
steadied his feet and watched the plane’s movements carefully; it was so far away that it almost
looked like it was hovering but within seconds it disappeared below the treeline. It was landing.

A sudden rush of energy and hope rushed through Sirius’ body, he gasped slightly as he realised
what he had just seen. The plane hadn’t been crashing, it had been landing. And if it had been
landing, that meant there was an airfield, through the woods and beyond the horizon.

“What is it?” Chris asked. He had remained next to Sirius and turned to look at where Sirius was
facing on hearing his gasp.

“A plane,” Sirius croaked out, feeling quite unwell.

“A plane?”

“There’s a fucking airfield… it couldn’t be more than ten miles away.” Sirius said awestruck.
Chris’ posture visibly stiffened, and he leaned forwards to better squint out into the horizon.

“Are you sure? Couldn’t have been a bird or something?”

“I’m fucking RAF Chris, I can tell the difference between a plane and a bird,” Sirius said,
needlessly snappy. He wanted Chris to understand the significance of this discovery as soon as
possible, the implication that they now, after all this time finally had a way out. Chris inhaled
sharply besides him.

“Alright Black, I can see your mind buzzing. Sure, there might be an airfield out there somewhere.
How’s that supposed to help us?” Chris turned to face Sirius properly now, but Sirius kept his eyes
fixed on the horizon, scanning it for any more planes. “The way I see it,” Chris continued. “We’re
currently trapped in a prison, surrounded by high fucking fences, armed guards, and a raging river.
Ten miles, at the minimum, of forest between us and that airfield. An airfield likely full of the
enemy and no fucking promises that it even exists.”

Sirius finally pulled his eyes away from the horizon and looked at Chris in the face. “Don’t come
with me then. I’ll almost certainly die. But if I stay here, I might as well be dead already.”

Sirius spent the next eight months diligently studying the horizon, every change of the guards,
every weakness in the crumbling brick of the prison. The planes had increased, either the airfield
had been new, or he hadn’t noticed it before. But once he had noticed it, he saw them daily. Small
planes that could only have been bombers, some larger cargo carriers. He had a good idea of the
general location of the airfield based on the movements of the aircraft as they circled and landed
due North.

The airfield wasn’t the only thing he had noticed. A young German soldier had arrived a few
months earlier. He was tall, slim, and handsome, with bright blonde hair and a sharp jawline. Sirius
noticed the way the guard looked at him, and he knew exactly what was going through the young
man’s mind every time he saw Sirius lounging up against the fence. It was the chink in the armour
Sirius had been looking for and he had to play his cards right.

It started with small conversations when the young man was positioned in the yard. Sirius
wandered over and sat on a bench close enough to speak, but not close enough to raise attention.

“Do you have a smoke?” he asked one day. The soldier’s eyes darted to him, shocked at his
insubordination. He shifted only slightly on his feet before looking away again.

“No,” he replied curtly.

“But you understand English?” Sirius said, throwing his most charming smile the man’s way. The
soldier’s eyes darted to him again, but he didn’t respond.

“Please, it’s so fucking boring in here, I’d give anything for a fag.”

“I don’t have one,” the soldier replied. Already this was going better than expected. Any of the
other soldiers would immediately have hit him in the nose for his nerve and sent him to solitary for
the gall of asking. Sirius stood and raised his hands above his head, stretching his long body and
making sure to display his torso and let his shirt ride up slightly. He felt a bit ridiculous, the time in
the prison had left him skinny and he had lost the youthful rosiness in his complexion. The soldier
didn’t seem to mind however, Sirius noted his eyes tracking down Sirius’ body as he stretched.
Sirius walked away slowly and risked a glance back to see the man watching him leave.

His attentions became more pronounced after that. Once he realised that he wasn’t about to be
beaten for his clear flirtations. Every time the young guard was stationed in the yard, he would
make a point to sit close to him. At first, he would speak aloud, rambling about this or that. He
didn’t speak of his family, the war, Remus. But he would talk about going to the pictures to watch
Clark Gable and nightclubs in London he still wanted to visit. The young man never responded but
didn’t tell him to stop either.

After three weeks of his constant attention Sirius found the young guard positioned outside the
fence, by the stone shower block that provided a blind spot to everyone else. He had been taking
vigorous note of the guards on that particular duty and realised that the young man was now quite
regularly positioned there. He leaned against the fence, much closer to the guard than he would
have dared to had he not been sheltered by the shack behind him. There was a gap of a foot or so
between the building and the fence and the window to the shower block was cracked open, so he
had to speak low in order not to be heard.

“I’ve been speaking to you for weeks and I don’t even know your name. I bet it’s something
strong, sexy too.” Sirius said with as much sultry flavour as he could muster into those bitter
words. The guard visibly tensed and snapped his eyes to Sirius with shock. Sirius braced himself in
case he had got the wrong end of the stick, in case he had entirely misjudged the other man’s
lingering looks. He realised quickly that he hadn’t when the man swallowed harshly and breathed
out his name.

“Stefan,” he said.

“Nice to meet you, Stefan. Bit fucked that we’re both stuck out here in the middle nowhere.” Sirius
leaned closer against the fence, so he could reach through the tough wire and touch the other man
if he so wanted. “You haven’t got a smoke, have you? I promise it’ll stay between us.” Sirius
maintained eye contact even as Stefan’s eyes darted around the grounds searching for onlookers.
He eventually sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling out a packet of cigarettes and a small
book of matches. He handed a cigarette through the fence, which Sirius took gladly. Sirius popped
it into his mouth and pushed his face against the wire, waiting for Stefan to light it. Sirius noticed
that his hands were shaking as he struck the match and reached up to light the cigarette. Sirius kept
his eyes firmly focused on the other man, dropping his eyelids seductively as his stomach churned
with disgust at himself. Sirius took a long harsh breath of the cigarette and fought the instinct to
cough after so long without one. He blew the smoke out in a long snaking tendril. “Thanks,” he
murmured, low and deep.

It was easier after that, to break the young man’s resolve. Each time Sirius would see him
positioned behind the shower block he would make his way between the building and the fence
and ask for another cigarette. Stefan’s defences had clearly also weakened, he had begun to talk to
Sirius. He told him about his family, his father who was an important general in the army, his
mother and sister who lived in a large apartment in Berlin. He spoke of the war as if it was deeply
inconveniencing him, he had never wanted to join, he had wanted to study in America. Sirius
smiled and listened attentively, utterly uninterested but putting a pretty good act of hanging on the
man’s every word as he spoke. Stefan complained a lot, about the food they were served, the long
days, the hard beds. Sirius wanted to snort with disgust each time he complained that the beef he
was eating was dry. Sirius couldn’t remember the last time he ate meat that wasn’t from an
unidentifiable animal and boiled until it was tough and grey.

He had been making other plans too, he and Chris stayed up late each night outlining the escape.
Chris had finally gotten on board, convinced that they needed to at least try. Emile watched them
from the other side of the room, not participating, but paying rapt attention. Sirius knew he was too
nervous to ask to join, and Sirius wasn’t about to ask him. If he wanted to join, it would have to be
his decision. The shaky plan Sirius had formulated was dangerous, impossibly so, and he knew that
they would certainly end up caught, or more likely dead. But he had to try, he couldn’t spend the
rest of his life wasting away in the prison because he was also convinced there was no leaving the
grim place alive.

Their plan pivoted on two impossible things. First, Sirius would need to be placed on shower duty.
The prisoners were rotated around jobs across the prison, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Every week
two men would be escorted to the shower block when the other prisoners were locked in their cells
where they would be forced to scrub the block from top to bottom. Nobody wanted the job, after a
week of hundreds of bodies stepping under the freezing water the tiles were always caked in dirt
and hair. He and Chris would be able to get on duty quick enough. The next thing he needed to
align was Stefan’s shift standing guard outside the fence behind the shower block to line up with
the shower duty. Sirius tracked the change of the guards over the course of three months, carefully
watching for any times the shower cleaning and Stefan’s duty aligned. It wasn’t often, but he
worked out it happened roughly every three weeks.

The upcoming Friday would be three weeks since the last time the events occurred simultaneously,
and it would also coincide with the full moon. Sirius had to believe it was fate, that it was his
Moony telling him it was time to come home. Winter had turned to spring once again and he had
been locked up in that hellhole for three and a half years. He was barely holding on to the last
semblances of himself and he could feel himself unravelling at the edges. Chris agreed to the date,
and they outlined their plan.

The final, and most difficult part of the plan was acquiring the knife. It would be essential, and
probably the only thing that made Sirius’ stomach sick with fear, what he’d have to do with it when
the time came. He knew he was capable. He was capable of just about anything that would get him
home. But that unwavering certainty was what scared him the most. With any luck he wouldn’t
have to use it, if he was able to incapacitate Stefan without using it, all for the better, but he needed
to make sure he had a backup.

Emile had been their saviour, he knew the plan and he knew exactly what they needed but had so
far remained staunchly removed from the entire operation. Then, on the Thursday before the full
moon he walked into the cell and dropped a bundle on Sirius’ mattress. Sirius opened it
inquisitively and gasped when he saw what was inside. A long sharp blade, one of the knives from
the kitchen. Emile and Chris had both been placed on kitchen duty that day and his soft meek
appearance had wavered any suspicions against him as he subtly slipped the knife into his trousers.

“Jesus Emile, you’ll be fucked if they find out it was you,” Sirius said, his mouth agape. Emile
shrugged and made his way across the room to his own mattress.

“I wanted to help. I wanted to join you,” he replied. Sirius’ gasped in surprise.

“You do?” he asked.

“Yes, but it’s okay. I know that it is impossible. I have listened to you making your plans for
months. They only take two to the shower blocks, there would be no way for me to join. So, I want
to make sure you succeed.” Emile paused and began picking at a loose thread in his blanket. “I will
miss you when you’re gone,” his voice shook slightly with emotion and Sirius felt regret well up
inside him.

“Fuck, Emile I didn’t know. We could figure out a way… if you could just make it out into the
courtyard tomorrow evening. We could tell them we need a third person?” Sirius said, suddenly
extremely remorseful that he hadn’t included Emile in his plans.

“No. That won’t work. It’s better with two, and it’s already an impossible plan.” Emile replied. He
paused for breath and then looked up at Sirius. “But I believe you can do it Sirius. If anyone can,
it’s you. Will you write to my parents, to Chloé too? When the war is over, if I don’t make it out?”

Sirius bit his lip to keep his jaw from trembling and he nodded firmly.

“I won’t need to. You’ll survive this, Emile. You’re stronger than you know.”

Emile watched Sirius carefully, as if assessing him for a lie. Sirius steadied his gaze and didn’t look
away until Emile smiled gently and nodded. He lay down on his straw mattress and turned his back
on the room. Sirius had been so caught up in his plan of escape, he had quite forgotten about the
fate of the men he would leave behind, the friends who would be stuck in the prison. Chris
returned a few moments later, his bright face rosy with excitement.

“I’ve done it,” he said. “Got us on the shower shift for tomorrow. That bulky fella whose always
half-cut was on duty at the kitchen, so I stayed back and asked him. Didn’t ask too many
questions.”

“Perfect, thanks mate,” Sirius said, his mood brightening significantly. He couldn’t help but shoot
a quick glance at Emile whose shoulders had bunched up with tension.

Sirius didn’t sleep a wink that night, his entire body vibrating with energy. He tried his best to
catch at least a couple of hours, he knew that if all went to plan, he was in for a long night. The
nervousness was too much however, and he ended up sitting against the wall staring out at the
window, his mind blank and busy all at the same time. He could tell that the nervous energy was
shared by the other two men in the cell, Chris was tossing and turning all night, and Emile’s body
was unusually still and curled up.

Sirius finally forced himself to sleep for a few hours when he was awoken to the familiar sounds of
the other men marching down to the dining hall. He dressed himself and stretched his body,
attempting to remain calm, it was going to be a long day. He, Chris, and Emile walked down to the
dining hall together in an odd silence, their eyes darting around the corridors. Sirius could feel the
tension rolling off himself and he was sure that it was obvious to anyone who cared to look how
frazzled he was. They were just approaching the large wooden hall when a voice bellowed out
them.

“Halt!” it shouted. The general Sirius had met on his first day in the prison strode over to the trio
and Sirius was nearly sick as his angry red face approached the group. They had surely been
caught. The general’s face was staunchly focused on Chris however, rage evident in every line.
“You took a knife from the kitchen last night, return it at once.” Chris’ mouth dropped open and
Sirius whipped his head to look at him. The aforementioned knife was strapped to Sirius’ leg, he
had been too paranoid to leave it in the cell.

“No, I didn’t take anything,” Chris said weakly.

“Yes, you did. There is a knife missing and you lingered behind the others last night. Don’t take
me for a fool,” the general continued.

“I didn’t fucking take anything!” Chris asserted, his face getting redder and his voice louder. Be
quiet, Sirius thought. Don’t rise to them, you could fuck this all up. The general slapped him across
the face with a wide backhand and scoffed. “Send him to isolation and search his room.” He
ordered.

Chris’ head snapped to Sirius’; his eyes were wide with shock. Two guards approached and
grabbed Chris by the lapels pulling him forwards. Sirius was only just able to hear his last
whispered words before he was dragged away. “Go. Tonight.”

Sirius remained stood in shock as he watched Chris being dragged away, he remained there until he
felt a tug on his arm, Emile pulling him away. He hurried into the dining hall and took a seat next
to Emile, running through the plan in his mind. Chris had been clear when he was dragged away,
he wanted Sirius to go tonight. Could Sirius do it alone? But could he wait for another three
weeks? He didn’t even know if Chris would be out of solitary by then, the first time Sirius had
been sent he’d been stuck there for three months.

“You have to go tonight,” Emile spoke under his breath in French.

“I can’t do it alone, there needs to be a second person on shower duty,” Sirius said. He frowned
into his oats, the congealed globs of watery porridge sticking to his spoon.

“I’m coming with you,” Emile said. Sirius looked up with surprise.

“You are? Emile… don’t do this just because you want to help. It’s going to be so dangerous…
You’ll be safer here.”

“I know. But I need to get out of here as much as you do. I need to at least try.”

Sirius chewed the inside of his cheek as he contemplated Emile’s proposition. He did know the
plan, after weeks of sharing a cell with him and Chris. And sure, he could be nervous and jittery,
but he had come a long way since Sirius first met him. He was no longer the small, shy boy Sirius
had once known.

“Okay fine. You can come. But please, you need to know how risky this is going to be-”

“I know Sirius. It’s my decision.”

Once it had been agreed that the plan would go ahead that night, without Chris, Sirius got to work
on the next stage of his plan. He already felt a looming sense of dread in the pit of his stomach at
the fact that he was going to leave Chris behind. He had become a firm friend over the past three
years, and it didn’t feel right to leave him there. He took a deep breath and tried to bury the feelings
of guilt before adopting a confident swagger and making his way to the corner of the courtyard.
Stefan was standing guard within the grounds today, but Sirius knew he’d be placed behind the
shower block that evening. Sirius leaned against the wall a metre or so away from the man. He
could tell by the minute stiffening of his posture that Stefan was extremely aware of his presence,
but his gaze remained firmly locked on the activities in the courtyard.

“I’m on shower duty this evening,” Sirius said just loud enough for the other man to hear. Stefan
didn’t respond but his head quirked to the side slightly. “If you had some reason to come maybe
we could… talk some more?” Sirius made sure that the innuendo was dripping in his words. Stefan
watched Sirius carefully, a deep-set frown formed on his face, but Sirius knew that he was
interested. Sirius maintained eye contact as Stefan appeared to consider his proposition, he scanned
Sirius’ body before nodding sharply and turning away. Sirius closed his eyes with relief as the
soldier walked away from him, that was it, the final part of the plan had finally slotted into place.

That evening, after everyone else had been locked up in their cells, a young round-faced guard
approached their room to collect Sirius and Emile. They walked slowly and grumbled about being
forced to clean the showers, it wasn’t all that convincing, but the guard didn’t seem to notice. They
entered the shower block; it was separated into two rooms. A small front hallway and a larger open
shower block with rusty faucets poking out of the walls. The guard who had accompanied them
leaned against the door, entirely uninterested in the proceedings as the pair picked up a couple of
buckets and made their way into the main shower room.

After ten minutes of scrubbing, Sirius had started to be concerned that Stefan wasn’t going to turn
up, that he was doing his duty and standing guard behind the block. He needn’t have worried as a
familiar low voice rumbled from the entryway. It was speaking quietly in German and Sirius could
barely make out the words. He moved closer to the door so he could peer through, and he spotted
Stefan talk to the guard. The soldier glanced at Sirius, disapproval evident on his face but he
eventually shrugged and stepped outside of the shower block. Sirius could see that he remained
close to the door, his back tense but turned away. Stefan walked tentatively through the doorway
and ran a nervous hand through his hair. He looked at Sirius with tragically hopeful eyes, biting his
bottom lip.

Emile knew his cue, he walked out of the shower room and into the foyer, appearing to leave them
alone. Although Sirius knew that he was waiting in the shadows for the right moment to return.
Sirius took a bold step towards Stefan, looking up at him through his lashes and reached out a hand
to stroke down his chest. All nervousness seemed to seep out of Stefan’s body in one swift
movement and he launched himself at Sirius.

Stefan pushed him against the far wall of the shower block, his greedy hands tracing Sirius’ body.
He buried his face against Sirius’ neck smothering him with hot wet kisses. Sirius felt his skin
burning under the other man’s touch and it took everything in his body to not push him away.
Stefan was grunting against him; he pushed his body against Sirius’ and shoved Sirius’ hand into
his hard crotch. Sirius grimaced and looked up at the ceiling as Stefan manoeuvred his hand
against himself, his grunting becoming more pained and animalistic by the moment. He looked up
at Sirius’ face, his eyes glazed over and hungry, before attaching himself to Sirius’ mouth, forcing
his tongue into between his lips.

Sirius feigned interest, groaning against the other man even as he thought he might be sick. He
gently pushed Stefan back from his body, affecting an aroused expression.

“You’re keen. I think… maybe it’s best if we take this slow,” Sirius said. Stefan was slightly out of
breath; his chest was heaving, and he was watching Sirius with an animalistic intensity. He
frowned at Sirius words and shook his head.

“No,” he said before launching himself back against Sirius’ frame. He grasped Sirius’ shoulders
firmly in his hands and the pressure of his fingers dug into Sirius’ skin. Sirius realised with a
sickening reality that he was pinned to the wall, that the other man was using all his strength to
keep him there. He could call out to Emile, but he didn’t want to risk raising the alarm.

“I really think… can we just wait… please,” Sirius said as Stefan’s hand trailed down his body to
the front of his trousers. Stefan looked up into Sirius eyes, a new frightening intensity etched into
his features. He looked dangerous, like a wolf set on his prey.

“You’re a fucking prisoner, stop teasing me. You don’t get to say no,” Stefan said, a threatening
gleam in his eye. He didn’t stop his movements, rutting up against him even as Sirius went limp.
He had thought the man was decent, just a naïve boy caught up in a war he didn’t understand like
the rest of them. All guilt for what he was about to do washed away in that single moment as Stefan
made it clear just how he saw Sirius, just how far he was willing to go.

“Okay, okay,” Sirius said calmly, attempting to add a sultry tone to his voice. “Let me take this
off,” he said, indicating to his trousers. That appeared to appease Stefan, whose dumb expression
scanned Sirius greedily. Sirius would have been scared at the look in his eye if he didn’t know
exactly what was strapped to the top of his thigh. Sirius unbuttoned the top of his trousers,
maintaining eye contact with Stefan and licking his lips as he did so. He pushed them down slightly
and pressed forwards to catch Stefan’s lips in another kiss.

Stefan’s eyes fluttered closed at the touch. He didn’t see the glint of metal now exposed against
Sirius leg. He didn’t see Sirius’ right hand reach for it, and he didn’t see Sirius lift the blade in one
sharp movement until it was too late. The blade entered Stefan’s neck with considerable force,
blood gushed out in thick spurts and dosed Sirius across his face and chest. Stefan’s eyes opened in
shock, and he froze for only a moment before reaching up to feel where the knife had entered his
flesh. His brow furrowed only slightly in confusion before he staggered back, spraying blood
across the grey tiles. Sirius chest heaved and froze to the spot in shock at what he had just done. He
watched as Stefan collapsed back on the ground, as his eyes dimmed, and he finally stopped
twitching.

Sirius remained frozen, covered in blood with his arms hanging limply by his sides. He knew the
man would have assaulted him, that he probably deserved it. But he was wholly unprepared for the
severing of some tie to his humanity that happened in that moment. He had killed people in the
war, from high above he dropped bombs on faceless soldiers. He saw planes he had destroyed
tumble out of the sky. But he had never seen the light leave someone’s eyes and known that it was
him that was responsible.

He felt a sudden surge of rage, that he had had to witness that, that he had been forced to take
another man’s life. He hadn’t asked for this, hadn’t asked to join a fucking war or to be taken
prisoner. None of them had, and it was a fucking lunatic and his demented followers that had
ensured that Sirius and so many other men would spend the rest of their lives with a little less
humanity than they had started with. The adrenaline that soured through his veins heightened his
anger and he felt ready to take on anyone who now stood in his way. Sirius was shaken from his
stupor when Emile entered the shower room, he gasped when he saw the blood-soaked state of the
room and Sirius’ frozen position.

“Come on, we must go now!” he insisted. Sirius shook himself and looked up at Emile’s shocked
face. He nodded, there was no turning back now. He redid his trousers and walked over to Stefan,
grimacing as he pulled the knife from his neck. He couldn’t afford to be without a weapon and
unfortunately Stefan had been cautious enough to not bring his gun with him. Sirius and Emile
made their way over to the small, high window on the far side of the shower block. They couldn’t
risk going out the front, the guard that had brought them there was likely still nearby. He boosted
Emile up who shimmied through the window and disappeared out the other side. Sirius glanced
around the room one last time before pulling himself up through the window. It was a tight
squeeze, but he was half the size he used to be and so made it through fine.

He dropped as quietly as he could onto the ground below the window, the small stretch between
the fence and the building providing cover from the guard towers, for now. Emile lifted his shirt
and unwrapped the blanket he had wrapped around himself. Sirius grabbed a hold of it and threw it
over the top of the fence. The fence was high, about ten feet, and Sirius hadn’t tested this part of
the plan. It had to work, there was no way they would be sent to solitary, or even just beaten for
what he just done. He had signed his death warrant, and likely Emile’s too. Their only hope was
escape. The blanket sailed across the fence, landing on the top of the barbed wire.

Thick metal prongs jutted through the blanket, so it wasn’t perfect, but it would provide enough of
a barrier that they shouldn’t get caught in the wire. In theory at least. Sirius wanted to go first, to
see if it would work. Emile knelt and used his hands to boost Sirius up. Sirius clung on to the top of
the fence with as much strength as he could, pulling his body up even as the sharp pricks pierced
his skin. He lay low against the top of the fence, one leg on each side. The area behind the shower
block was hidden from towers, and thanks to his dispatching of Stefan, there were no eyes on the
area. But the fence was high, and it was possible that if they were too obvious about their
movements, someone might see. Sirius reached down and grabbed Emile’s hand, he pulled with all
his strength, the adrenaline providing more strength than he thought was surely possible. Emile
heaved his way on top of the blanket, and swiftly threw himself down on the other side. He landed
with a thud on the compact, hard dirt and Sirius winced at the noise. They both froze, listening
carefully for any footsteps. There weren’t any- yet.

Sirius lowered himself carefully on the other side of the fence, stretching his arms high above him
until he was as close to the ground as he could get. He dropped carefully, attempting to do so with
as little noise as possible. He still grunted as he hit the hard ground below him, grimacing at the
noise. The other guard was only metres away, on the other side of the shower block and he could
enter at any moment to see the bloodbath they had left behind. Sirius looked up at Emile, whose
face was pale and frightened. Searchlights tracked across the ground towards the river. They would
have to avoid the lights and make it there without being seen, there was no cover and so they were
about to be entirely exposed. The only saving grace was that the bright full moon had been
obscured by heavy rainclouds that encased the area in darkness. Sirius could feel the wind begin to
pick up, and he knew a storm was on its way. He jerked his head at Emile, they had to go.

Sirius and Emile crept low and slowly towards the river, it was probably only about 200 metres
away from the fence, but it was entirely uncovered. They avoided the bright search lights and
moved as slowly and stealthily as possible. Sirius could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears and
every step he took felt as loud as a bomb. His stomach churned and his breathing was heavy. They
were moving so slowly, the short distance to the river seemed to stretch on for hours, every second
that passed was one moment closer to someone walking into the shower block and discovering
Stefan’s body. Emile was clearly equally as nervous; his whole body was tense, and he was moving
as if walking through thick mud.

A low grumble of thunder rolled in the distance and caused Sirius to jolt in alarm. He paused,
grasping hold of Emile’s arm until he realised what it was. He darted his eyes around; the search
lights were moving away from them. He risked a look back towards the tall guard towers, he could
spot shadowy figures standing there, but they didn’t appear to be looking their way. They
continued like that for ten minutes, easing their way down to the riverbank with slow, cautious
precision. The closer they got, the quicker their movements became, they were so close, and Sirius
was impatient to make it there.

Sirius collapsed to his knees as he finally made it down the low long slope towards the river. He
took a deep breath and looked up to Emile who had joined him. They had made it, as far as the
river at least. The dark fast water stretched out ahead of them, and Sirius knew that this next part
was going to be extremely dangerous. He knew how to swim, sure, but across a rapid river in the
middle of the night?

“Come here,” Sirius whispered to Emile. They were far enough away from the prison that their
whispers would not be heard, but he was not about to jeopardise their escape by speaking too loud
now. He pulled out a scrap of cotton he had ripped from his bed sheet. He had torn the cloth up
into long strings and tightly wound the material into makeshift ropes. He had tied the lengths
together and stuffed it down his trouser leg before heading to the shower block. It was flimsy, but
it was the best he was able to do. He grabbed hold of Emile’s belt and wound the rope tightly into
the rings, he grabbed the other end and did the same to his own. At least they’d be able to remain
together in the water even if they were carried downstream. “You ready?” he asked. Emile gulped
and nodded, his hands were visibly shaking, and his wide eyes were bright with adrenaline. Sirius
waded slowly into the river, followed closely by Emile until they were up to their thighs.

Sirius paused and looked up at the sky as he felt a singular raindrop land on his cheek. He inhaled
sharply; the storm was here.

A loud piercing siren began screaming across the grounds. Floodlights streamed across the prison,
flooding the entire area with a blinding bright white light. Shouting and running could be heard
behind them, they’d be found out. There was no time left to wait. Sirius dived into the roaring river
pulling Emilie along with him. He was immediately pounded by the tumultuous roar of waves
pushing his body downstream despite his desperate attempts to struggle forwards. The rope that
attached him to Emile was tight and pulling precariously as they were each forced along with the
current. Sirius used every ounce of strength in his weakened body to keep pushing forwards, to
keep swimming to the other side. Sirius couldn’t hear anything except the roaring, deafening water
around him, he didn’t know where the guards were, what was happening behind them on land. All
he knew was that he had to keep pressing forwards.

Sirius eventually felt the ground rising beneath his feet, he swam just far enough until he got good
footing on the ground below. He was jerked suddenly by Emile pulling him downstream and so he
grabbed hold of the rope connecting them and hauled him towards him. Emile struggled against the
current, desperately trying to reach the higher ground. Sirius reached out an arm to Emile’s
outstretched one, he moved towards the younger man until he was standing up to his neck,
stretched out to grab hold of Emile. He reached out and grasped his cold slippery hand and
clutched it tight in his own. He began pulling Emile towards him as he heard the distant shouting
get louder. Men were running down the hill on the opposite side of the bank, guns drawn and
pointed straight at the pair. The floodlights had all turned to focus on the river, blinding Sirius so
he couldn’t see how many there were. He flinched as the first ringing gunshot rang out across the
valley, it was quickly joined by another, then another. Before long the pair were being barraged by
bullets aiming straight at them through the darkness.

“Come on! We have to go!” Sirius shouted to Emile who was still struggling against the current.
Sirius grabbed his arm with both hands and pulled him towards him with all his weight. Emile
finally reached the shallower depths and took a shaky step forward. “Let’s go!” Sirius yelled
before either had even caught their breath. Emile nodded. His large round eyes were shocked and
scared, he had hair plastered to his forehead and his cheeks were flushed from the exertion. They
turned and began clambering up the bank towards the treeline. Shelter was only ten metres or so
away, they could make it, they just needed to avoid being shot at from the enraged voices on the
other side of the river.

Emile and Sirius began sprinting towards the tree line, as fast as they could in their waterlogged
uniforms. They were weighed down and moving slower than they needed to. Gunshots rang out
around them, but the trees were getting closer. Escape was close and Sirius could feel it, that first
flutter of hope deep in his stomach. It was just as the fleeting thought that they just might make it
crossed his mind that the gunshot rang out and a body fell heavy next to him.

Sirius didn’t need to look to know what happened. It was a dangerous idea to look, foolish. But he
looked all the same. Emile was lying face first in the mud, a bullet had pierced the back of his
skull. In a split second he had gone from running for his life to just… gone. Sirius felt the urge to
scream, to fight, to climb back across the river to kill them all when more bullets headed his way.
He shouldn’t have hesitated, he shouldn’t have stopped to look, but he had. And that second of
hesitation put him in the line of fire of another penetrating bullet. The furious projectile pierced him
in the shoulder, the force sending him stumbling backwards and down on the ground.

He groaned and clutched his shoulder; the same one he’d dislocated three years ago. The burning
hot pain started slow and began surged in an excruciating wave. He didn’t have time to care, he
untied the rope that kept him attached to Emile and scrambled up to his feet. He turned and
sprinted, he ran as if it was the last thing he’d ever do. It might have been. He ignored the warm
spread of blood spreading from the bullet wound, he ignored the agonizing pain and his weak
muscles and ran until he hit the wall of trees.

He ran through the dense forest, away from the loud voices bellowing out behind him. Away from
the gunfire and sirens, away from Emile’s body, from Chris, from the hundreds of other men he
had left behind. He thrashed through the forest, jumping over roots, being whipped in the face by
branches until his lungs felt like they were going to implode. Even then, when his bones ached and
he didn’t have another breath in him, he kept running.
 Chapter 33

Sirius

Sirius had no idea how long he had run for. He didn’t know if he was even running in the right
direction. All he knew was that he couldn’t stop, couldn’t slow down, not for a moment. It had
begun to rain, hard. Sirius, already drenched from the river and blood, was pounded by the large
rough raindrops that lashed through the canopy. He ran until he was sure he was about to collapse
and so he walked instead. He just had to keep moving. The woods would be swarming with
soldiers soon, and he had to cover as much distance as he could before the sun rose. He knew the
direction of the airfield, but he had no way of telling if he was heading the right way. He had to
trust his instincts, he had to remain calm.

Sirius walked until the first rays of daylight began to break through the dense clouds above. The
rain had eased, only slightly, and Sirius kept walking. Eventually, he came across a small weather-
beaten dirt road. Sirius approached it cautiously and looked at the track, there were tire impressions
in the wet ground. They must have been recent, created since the rain started. He knew his best
chance of finding the airfield would be to stick close to the road, but all routes were likely crowded
with soldiers searching for him. He returned to the tree line and followed the road for several miles
staying in the shadows.

The pain in his shoulder had increased significantly, to the point he could no longer ignore it.
Regretfully, he stopped among a thick copes of trees. He was surrounded by tall thick bushes that
would with any luck shield him from view from any onlookers on the road below. He winced as he
pulled his starchy jacket away from his body. Next, he carefully removed his shirt, the thin cotton
stuck to the congealed blood on his shoulder and so he had to peel it off with great difficulty. The
blood had seeped into the white shirt, or at least it had once been white. Its dull grey colour was
now brightly stained with crimson marks.

He finally looked at his wound and attempted to assess the damage. He hadn’t bled out on his run
which was a good sign. He knew enough to know that meant the bullet hadn’t hit an artery. He
rotated his arm with some effort. It stung, and a sharp pain stretched out across his chest, but it was
able to move so he knew it probably hadn’t hit bone. He ran his fingers gently over his shoulder,
feeling the fleshy muscle that had been struck and he found another wound on the back of his
bicep, an exit wound. He breathed out a sigh of relief, it could have been worse, so much worse.
He instantaneously thought of Emile and the gaping crater that had been left in the back of his
head. Sirius gasped, a sudden surge of emotion running through him at the thought. He choked on
his breath and felt a sob being pulled from his chest. He rested his hands against the soft soil
beneath him and dug his fingers in, trying desperately to quell the rising anguish. He would have
time for that later. Now, he needed to survive.

Sirius ripped the sleeve off his shirt and wrapped it tightly around his arm. The bleeding had
mostly stopped, and he hoped that the dirty shirt would at least prevent him from loosing any more
blood or it becoming septic. He pulled what was left of the shirt onto his body and returned his
jacket over his sore arms. He knelt on the ground for a few more moments, taking the brief respite
from movement to breathe deeply and take stock of his surroundings. He would need to find water
soon; his mouth was parched and dry. Sirius let out a deep huff of air and nodded to himself.
Onwards.

He continued following the dirt road for several miles, taking care to stay hidden among the trees
in case any vehicles were going to suddenly approach. He eventually came to a crossroad and had
to make a decision. An easy decision really. He took the larger, more well-used path that he
thought probably headed north.

When a convoy of four trucks raced down the road, Sirius flung himself to the ground. He curled
his body up small and still and waited for the jeeps to trundle past him. Fortunately, they did not
slow or stop. He was sure they were out looking for him, and they were heading in the direction he
was walking. He knew that the airfield would be teeming with the enemy, what else was he
expecting? But he had such unwavering confidence in his ability to fly, he had somehow managed
to downplay the difficulty of remaining unseen when hundreds of soldiers were searching for him.
After hours of walking, he was faint and exhausted. He managed to find a small muddy stream that
allowed him to fend off the worst of the thirst, but his stomach churned with hunger. He’d gotten
used to the hunger over the past four years and so this was an instinct that was easier to push away.

The sound of activity and the familiar rumble of engines was Sirius’ first indication that he had
made it to the airfield. He approached cautiously, remaining hidden among the trees. He dropped
low and peered between the trunks. He had been correct; the airfield was clearly quite new. The
ground was dusty and compact, small hangars were clustered together at the far end and the entire
grounds were teeming with activity. There were three bombers parked on the runway entirely
unattended. Sirius was confident enough in his skilful, albeit rusty, flying ability to command the
unfamiliar planes.

His saving grace was that there were no fences surrounding the airfield. He almost laughed when
he saw the open stretch of land between him and the bombers. Afterall, why would there have been
fences? They were on German soil, the chances of a rogue Allied soldier attempting to steal a plane
must have seemed ridiculous. They’ll be erecting one tomorrow, Sirius thought smugly.

Despite his somewhat bolstered mood, Sirius remained cautious. There were soldiers everywhere.
Rough snarling voices carried across the wind as more jeeps rolled into the airfield. Undoubtedly
word had gotten out of his escape, they would be looking for him here. He wanted to run and jump
into the plane straight away, but he erred on the side of caution. One wrong step and it was all over
for him. Instead, he climbed a large oak tree on the edge of the grounds and shimmied his way up
to a large hanging branch. He curled himself up in the joint of the branch and rested against the
trunk. He couldn’t see the entire airfield, there was too much tree cover to see much beyond the
bomber he had locked his sights onto, but that also meant he couldn’t be seen.

Sirius settled in against the tree and waited for dusk. He knew how to fly at night and was
particularly skilled at it. He wanted to ensure he was as difficult to spot as possible once he had
taken off. He knew that he’d face trouble with radar, so he wouldn’t be up for long before he was
met with resistance. He just hoped that the bombers were armed. At worst, he’d just have to pray
he was fast enough to slip by. The fact that he was planning to fly into British airspace and land on
a British airfield in a German plane was something to think about later, assuming his own people
didn’t shoot him out of the sky at first sight.

Sirius took the moment of respite to pull out a small photo from his breast pocket. It was water
damaged and faded by now, but he could still see Remus and James grinning back at him, full of
youthful exuberance. Sirius felt himself dozing off several times. The adrenaline of the past day
had begun to wear off and he felt a wave of exhaustion overcome him. He jolted awake late in the
afternoon as he sun began waning in the sky. His shoulder throbbed, his muscles ached, and his
stomach growled uncomfortably. He peered around as much of the airfield as he was able to see
from his perch in the tree, there appeared to be almost as much activity as earlier in the day. Large
floodlights had been turned on, streaming long shadows across the wide expanse of flattened earth.

When the sun finally dipped below the horizon, Sirius slipped out of the tree as quietly as possible.
He crouched low and approached the edge of the tree line. There were groups of soldiers milling
about across the airfield, some were standing by idling jeeps, more were positioned by the large
hangar at the far side of the field. The closest bomber was only a 100 metres or so from where
Sirius was hiding but once again he would be fully exposed.

A convey of trucks ambled into the airfield after about ten minutes of Sirius watching, the men
standing between him and the bomber all turned to look and began talking loudly about what he
could only assume was his escape and lack of capture. He took his chance and darted out of the
bushes, remaining low and moving swiftly. He moved stealthily across the wide airfield, holding
his breath and moving with light feet. He kept his gaze focused firmly on the small aircraft but he
was deeply aware that if just one soldier was to look his way, it would all be over. He kept moving
for what felt like minutes but was probably only about thirty seconds until he was finally able to
dart into the shadow of the bomber.

He paused for only a second to catch his breath before he pulled himself up onto he wing of the
plane and into the cockpit. He had been confident in his ability to get that far, but now he had made
it, it seemed quite ridiculous that he had. His eyes darted around the controls, they were different to
the ones he was used to in his spitfire, but he had always had a talent for improvising. Only a few
moments later he had the engine running and had begun manoeuvring the plane onto the runway.

Some of the soldiers who were lounging by the jeep closest to him looked up with interest when
the plane started moving. They didn’t react immediately. They watched with absentminded interest
as they continued smoking and talking, assuming that the pilot was one of their own. Sirius
immediately knew he had made the right decision to wait until nightfall, not only were the soldiers
slower than they would have been, but the darkness also shrouded him from direct view of the
runway.

He took one final deep breath before accelerating down the runway, the jolting engine of the
bomber bumped along the flat earth. Sirius caught sight of a man exiting the hangar to his right, he
stopped only for a second, watching Sirius before realisation dawned on him. A quick shout to his
colleagues and Sirius was immediately being shot at from all sides. He spotted men running
towards the other planes and he regretted not taking the time to drain their tanks. With no more
time to wait, he pulled on his joystick and felt the familiar sensation of being pushed back in his
seat as the plane became airborne. He probably took off too early, and was going too fast, but he
didn’t have time to be cautious.

Sirius flew low and fast for as long as he was able, not risking the time it would take for him to get
higher. He needed to gain distance between himself and any aircraft that was following him. They
would all be looking to the skies now anyway. He flew West for half an hour, watching his mirrors
carefully for any incoming challenge, but it didn’t come. He wondered about it for a moment
before his engine began spluttering beneath him. It only occurred to him in that moment to check
the fuel gauge and he kicked himself for not checking earlier. It was almost at empty. It occurred
to him that the two other bombers at the airfield were likely running dry too which is why he
hadn’t been followed. He swore loudly and peered at the dense forest and rolling hills that spread
out beneath him. He couldn’t tell if he had crossed the border into Belgium yet. He would need to
land soon, he wouldn’t make it as far as Britain on the empty tank.

If he landed in Belgium he might be in a better position, he knew there were pockets of resistance,
if he could avoid the soldiers, he might be able to travel to the coast. The bomber gave another
thirsty jolt and Sirius knew if he didn’t land now, he would be crashing instead. He didn’t fancy his
chances of surviving two crashes in one lifetime. The country below was shrouded in darkness, but
he thought he could make out some fields, among the darkness of the thick forest below. It had
begun to rain heavily, and thunder rolled across the sky. Flashes of lightning lit up the scene below,
confirming his suspicion that there were fields stretched out beneath him. He lowered the plane
and braced himself for impact as the wheels beneath him hit the soft earth below. The front of the
bomber tilted forwards, pushed by its own momentum. Sirius was flung forwards, his seatbelt kept
him from flying into the windscreen.

When the plane had finally come to a jolting stop, he could smell petrol in the air. All too familiar
with what that meant, he quickly climbed out of the cockpit and ran across the muddy field. His
trousers quickly became encased in mud, and he made slow progress towards a wooden fence at
the far side of the field. He turned to look at the smoking plane, the rough landing had destroyed
the nose and there was smoke streaming rom the engine. It didn’t explode however, Sirius
supposed there hadn’t been enough fuel left to catch. He sighed heavily and took stock of his
surroundings, the countryside was dark, and the rain was still pelting down on him, leaving him
soaked to the bone. He would have to find shelter and figure out where exactly he was.

They would discover the plane before long, hopefully not until morning which would give him a
few hours head start. But once they did, they would know exactly where he was. Sirius didn’t
doubt that news had been spread about his escape in the bomber already. Sirius began running
across the field until he came to a stone wall that separated the field from a small country lane. He
climbed over the wall and began sprinting down the road, careful to watch for any vehicles or
passers-by. He must be extremely rural he realised when he had been moving for over an hour
without coming across so much as a farmhouse. He continued running until he was too exhausted
to continue. He thought about finding shelter in the woods, a brief respite from the torrential rain,
when he finally saw a blinking light in the distance.

He walked towards the light which he saw belonged to a small farmhouse. The heavy rain
disguised his footsteps as he approached with extreme caution. He skirted the edge of the property
and found a small barn with its door hanging off its hinges. He slipped inside and settled in against
several wrapped hay bales. He settled down next to the bales and drifted off for a few hours, not
ever being able to fully sleep but managing to at least rest for a while. The rain eventually stopped
hammering against the tin roof of the shed and Sirius was awoken to the gentle birdsong of dawn.
He shook himself awake, abruptly aware that he shouldn’t have stopped for so long. The sun had
not yet peeked above the horizon, but the long tendrils of red and orange splattered across the sky
made it clear morning was on its way. The crashed bomber would be found before long and soon
the area would be swarmed with soldiers. He tentatively made his way out of the barn; his sore
muscles had stiffened after his rest making it difficult to move.

Sirius cautiously approached the farmhouse, no longer able to ignore the hunger pangs in his
stomach. He peered through the kitchen window; a large farm kitchen was shrouded in the dim
early night, and it looked like any residents were still asleep. He knew how early farmers awoke
however, and so didn’t want to risk lingering for too long. He walked to the side door and held his
breath as he pushed on the handle, the door swung open with ease. He crept into the kitchen,
careful not to make any noise. The house had low ceilings and wide wooden floorboards; he was
sure that he stone walls would carry even the slightest noise. There was a loaf of bread on the
counter and a large block of cheese sitting next to it. There were also eggs stacked high in a basket
and a large leg of lamb hanging from the ceiling. There was a newspaper lying open on the kitchen
counter and with one glance he recognised the Dutch text. He must be in Belgium.

He grabbed the bread and cheese and felt an absurd pang of guilt for stealing. He hesitated only for
a moment, wondering if he should at least cut a chunk off to leave when he heard a creak from the
floor above him. He froze in place and looked up at the ceiling, the movement stopped a moment
later but he didn’t want to risk waiting any longer. Sirius was about to creep back to the door when
he spotted a pile of folded laundry sitting on the kitchen table. He dampened the feeling of guilt
that rose in him once again and rifled through the clothes until he found a pair of men’s trousers, a
woollen jumper and a cotton flat cap.

He took his ill-gotten gains and darted out of the back door, sprinting quickly back into the forest
for cover. Once hidden from view of the house he tore into the bread and cheese, demolishing the
whole lot within a matter of minutes. He shrugged out of his army issued trousers, extremely worse
for wear after nearly four years, and pulled on the stolen pair. They were big on him, but he was
able to belt them tightly so they at least didn’t fall off. Next, he pulled the jumper over his bloody,
tattered, one-armed shirt. He piled his long hair on top of his head and tucked it beneath the cap
and left the remnants of his uniform hidden at the base of a tree.

Sirius walked through the forest for hours, keeping close to the road. As the midday sun hit its
peak in the sky, he found himself looking down into a small valley. There was a small town nestled
into the valley. A modest river wound its way through old buildings and church spires. He
hesitated as he looked down into the village. It was his best hope of escape, but it was also
extremely dangerous. But he didn’t fancy his chances of walking to the coast and there might be a
car he could steal or a train he could jump on at the village.

With some trepidation he made his way down towards the village. There were people milling
about, going about their shopping and work as usual. Nobody paid him too much attention, but he
was aware of a few lingering looks as he walked through the small, cobbled streets. He could only
assume that they hadn’t yet located his plane otherwise the presence of the ragged stranger in their
village would likely have immediately risen suspicion. He spotted German soldiers too, a group sat
outside a small bakery speaking loudly and smoking. He hurried past with his head down and kept
walking into the village, keeping an eye out for any vehicles. He came across two more soldiers
walking through the town, heavy guns strapped to their backs. Sirius kept his gaze focused on the
ground and walked past them quickly.

“Halt,” came a thick husky German accent just as he thought he had made it past them unnoticed.
Sirius’ stomach immediately swooped, and he continued walking. “Halt!” The voice behind him
became more aggressive and he could hear the heavy boots approaching him quickly. Sirius turned
and faced the two German soldiers who were looking at him with suspicion. Their anger at being
ignored was evident in their faces. They spoke at him in German and Sirius heard the word
‘Ausweis’ which he was pretty sure meant they were looking for his identification. When he didn’t
respond to their questioning they spoke gruffly in French, “identification”.

Sirius looked at them dumbly, he let his eyes flutter closed and he swayed on the spot. He
stumbled backwards and gestured wildly with his hands. “What do you want from me? I’m just
going home,” he mumbled in French, taking care to slur his words. The two German officers
glanced at each other and demanded to see his ID again. Sirius patted his pocketless jumper and
then rooted around his trousers. “It seems I have lost it. I have had a drink this morning. I can go
back to the bar, it might be there” his words became more slurred and he hiccupped mid-sentence.
He stumbled towards the wall and rested against it, letting his eyes drift closed. The guards seemed
to buy his drunk act, but they didn’t look like they were about to let him off the hook. They
stepped closer to him, pinning him against the wall.

“Oh Henri there you are!” came a voice from behind the soldiers. They turned around to see a tiny
old woman standing behind the soldiers. She had a basket tucked on her arm and a scarf wrapped
around her shoulders. “My apologies gentlemen, my grandson is a bit wayward. He’s taken to the
drink but we’re tyring our best with him.” She continued. Sirius tried to keep the surprise out of his
expression as he watched the old lady approach him. He almost had the instinct to tell her that she
was wrong, that she had mistaken him for someone else. She grabbed hold of his arm and wrapped
it around her shoulder. “I’ll take him home to sober up. Sorry for the bother,” s he said. She didn’t
wait for a response from the disgruntled soldiers before heading off down the street with Sirius
leaning against her. Sirius kept leaning against her, stumbling every few steps in case they were
still watching.

“You speak French well, but your English accent is very thick,” the woman said under her breath
as they continued walking. “You’re lucky they can’t tell the difference.” Sirius gaped at the woman
but kept his mouth shut as she guided him through the narrow alleys towards a small stone
building sandwiched between two larger structures. He slipped through the door without a second’s
thought and was quickly ushered into a small dark kitchen at the back of the building that led to an
equally tiny courtyard. What the kitchen lacked in size it made up for in charm. There were black-
and-white family portraits handing up across the wall, fresh flowers were shielded in the window
by thin lace curtains. Even the tiny kitchen table was covered in a delicate cotton cover.

Sirius sat heavily and looked around himself with wide eyes. “Who are you? Why did you help
me?”

“I don’t need an excuse to punish those bastards,” the oldy lady bit out. Sirius was slightly
stunned by her sharp tongue. The tiny ancient woman was barely five foot tall and appeared to be
nothing but a meek old lady. “Besides, your plane was spotted up the hill this morning. It won’t be
long before the Germans get word, and the streets will be streaming with them.”

“The plane was seen? But not by the Germans?” Sirius asked, confused.

“Yes. Gerald Peeters who owns the farm you broke into spotted it this morning. He sent his son
down searching for you but must have missed you on the road.”

“I stayed in the trees,” Sirius replied, still as dumbfounded as ever. “I’m sorry… about the bread,”
he added hastily. The old lady waved her hand dismissively and began assembling what looked
like a ham baguette on the small kitchen counter.

“Margriet?” A voice came from the back door and Sirius immediately jumped to his feet as two
men walked into the kitchen. They stopped and looked at Sirius warily. “I see you found the
Englishman,” the taller of the two said, running his eyes down Sirius suspiciously.

“I did, Martin please go inform the others. We’ll need to get him moving tonight.”

“Um… sorry what exactly is happening?” Sirius said in a shaky voice, the rapid events of the past
hour had left his head spinning and he wasn’t entirely convinced he wasn’t hallucinating. The
younger of the two men sprinted out the back door and the older took a seat next to Sirius.

“We’re saving you. Be grateful,” he said in a disgruntled tone.

“Be nice,” the old lady sad as she placed a crusty roll full of meat and a large cup of tea in front of
Sirius. Sirius didn’t hesitate before stuffing it into his mouth, only remembering to mumble a thank
you around a mouthful of crumbs a moment later. The man sitting across from him seemed
unimpressed by his lack of decorum. Try being locked up, starved, and beaten for close to four
years, Sirius thought, then see how many manners you maintain.

“Gerald saw you leaving his house this morning. In a British uniform…” the man continued eying
Sirius’ ill-gotten disguise. “We figured we’d better find you before the Germans do or you’d be
fucked. We can get you a boat across the channel this evening, but it’s a long journey between here
and there. We’ll have to be careful.”

“I’m sorry… what? You can get me home?” Sirius replied, his sandwich now entirely forgotten as
he took in the man’s words. The man rolled his eyes at Sirius and Sirius could feel himself
becoming slightly annoyed by his constant dismissal.

“Yes, believe it or not but there is still resistance happening here. In France too, the Netherlands,
all over. We haven’t given up. Martin’s gone to send a message for the boat. We’ll contact your
government; they’ll meet you in the Channel.” Sirius’ head was spinning. What on earth did he
mean they were organising a boat, contacting the government? It all seemed so unreal, so
unbelievably fortuitous. He glanced at the old lady, Margriet, and smiled at her. Beneath her
withered exterior and unassuming presence, Sirius suddenly recognised a strength and resistance
that he was all too guilty of dismissing at first. Margriet smiled gently back, as if she had seen that
same look of admiration and surprise in many other faces before his. Sirius leaned forward on the
table to take another bite but the movement tugged at his shoulder and he winced painfully.

“Are you injured?” the man said.

“Yes. I was shot in the shoulder on my escape. Oh… I escaped a prison near Frankfurt, that’s why
I was in the bomber.”

The man sitting across from him looked exasperated. “Yes, we gathered that. Didn’t think you just
fancied a holiday in occupied Belgium.” He said, his words dripping with sarcasm. “Let me see,”
he added. He rose from the table and made his way over to where Sirius was sitting. Sirius
grumbled slightly but pulled off his jumper and presented his shoddily patched up arm to the man.
He squinted at it seriously and poked it gently.

“Oi, fuck off,” Sirius said, reverting to English.

“I will if you want to get sepsis” the man replied dryly. Sirius sighed and allowed the man to
continue inspecting his arm. He began pottering around the kitchen as comfortable with it as if he
lived there. Sirius supposed he must be related to Margriet in some way. “My name is Jon, we help
each other round here. I grew up with Margriet’s grandson,” he said, answering Sirius’ question
before he asked it. Sirius didn’t’ need to ask about the whereabouts of the grandson, the solemn
note in his voice made it perfectly clear that he was no longer around. Sirius nodded
understandingly and remained silent instead.

Jon moved around the kitchen gathering supplies before unwrapping Sirius’ blood and mud-soaked
coverings. He poured some sort of clear alcohol over the wound resulting in a sharp blazing pain.
Sirius took care not to cry out, he clenched his fists and grit his teeth instead. Jon cleaned the
wound and re-wrapped it tightly in clean bandages.

“That’ll do for a day or so. You’re lucky it went straight through. But you’ll need to go to hospital
as soon as you’re back.”

“Thanks,” was all Sirius was able to say in return. He was grateful, deeply so. He would most
likely be dead by now if it wasn’t for these kind strangers. Margriet left the room and returned with
a clean shirt. Sirius didn’t ask who it belonged to; he knew there were questions best left unasked
in the midst of a war. He thanked her and pulled on his shirt just as the young man, Martin, burst
through the door again. He was accompanied by another young woman who immediately scanned
Sirius with the same suspicion Jon had on meeting him.

“The message has been sent. But we shouldn’t wait for a response. They’ll be in town within a few
hours. Sybil overheard them talking about an escaped prisoner. We don’t think they’ve found the
plane yet, but they were heading out of town in that direction,” the young man said, his words
streaming out with barely a breath between them.

“Fuck, you must go now. There’s a train leaving in twenty minutes, you need to be on it.” Jon said
firmly. “Get off at the last stop and find the house on the seafront with a red door. There will be
blue flowers in the window. They will be expecting you.”

Sirius was taken aback by the sudden activity in the kitchen. Margriet was bundling some cold cuts
and bread in some muslin and Sybil began ushering Sirius towards the door.

“Won’t it be a bit suspicious being on a train? Won’t they ask for identification?” Sirius said.

“It’s not a passenger train,” Sybil said quickly. Margriet pushed the food into Sirius’ arms and
managed a quick “good luck” before he was shoved out the door and into the courtyard of the
small house. Sybil grabbed hold of his arm and began marching down the narrow streets, her eyes
darting around frantically. Sirius could feel the tension rolling off her and he probably should have
been more nervous than he was. The absurdity of the past few hours had him feeling jittery and
dazed.

“Keep your head down. If we’re stopped let me do the talking,” Sybil instructed.

Luckily, they weren’t interrupted on their walk through the town and out the opposite side. Sirius
supposed that if the plane had been discovered, eyes had been drawn there. He had to make the
train, they’d certainly be stopping any following ones as they searched every building in the
village. They approached a small train station. Sybil dragged him into an alcove away from the
platform where they couldn’t be seen by any passengers or soldiers.

“There will be a cargo train pulling through here shortly. Full of soldiers,” she said matter of fact.
“You need to get on one of the back carriages without being seen. Remain hidden until you reach
the coast, it’s the last stop. Good luck.” Sirius couldn’t even breath a word of thanks before the
strange woman darted away and disappeared. He crouched low in his hiding spot and took a deep
breath, trying to make sense of what was happening. Just as he thought he was surely dreaming this
whole thing, the tell-tale sound of a whistle blowing, and the gentle chug of train indicated that a
train was indeed arriving at the platform.

As the train came to a rolling stop Sirius could see that the front carriages were full of soldiers. His
blood ran cold as he realised just how dangerous this next part was. Smoke from the engine
engulfed the platform and Sirius took his chance. He darted forwards towards the back of train
where there were carriages full of boxes stacked high. He ran as fast as he could right to the end,
until he came across a carriage with an open side. He jumped inside without looking around, he’d
learnt his lesson about hesitating. Once inside he found that the car was almost empty save for a
few pallets and several large boxes packed into the corner. He probably could have picked a better
carriage, but he wasn’t about to risk jumping out again.

He pushed himself between the wall and the boxes and settled in the relative safety of the hiding
spot. Loud voices approached and he was sure this was it; he was about to be caught out. Maybe
they had already made it to the station and stopped the train from leaving. His prayers were
answered only a moment later when a loud piercing whistle blew out across the station and the
slow thud of the engine indicated the train’s departure from the station. Sirius let out a heaving
breath and slumped back against the wall. He hadn’t realised he had been curled up, all his muscles
tense and straining until he finally allowed himself to relax.

He gazed at he blank wooden wall in front of him as the village, and then countryside blew past
the open door. How on earth he had made it this far, how he had found himself on this train, he had
no idea. He had been so confident at the prison, with Emile and Chris. It was only four things, he
had said. Get over the fence, get to the river, get across the river, make it home. It had all seemed
so simple only a couple of days ago. But now, in the middle of enemy territory, on a train headed to
god knows where to meet god knows who, he realised just how foolhardy the plan had been. He
felt a sudden surge of guilt that he had ever gotten Emile caught up in the scheme, that Chris had
almost been in his position too. He was still alive, by the skin of his teeth and some miracle. Get
home, he had said. As if it was that easy.

Sirius began to doze off again against his will. He was lulled to sleep by the sudden drop of
adrenaline and the rolling sensation of the steam train beneath him. He hadn’t had a proper night’s
sleep in two days, and he could feel it in every tired limb.

Hours later Sirius was jolted awake to the train coming to a stop. He shouldn’t have fallen asleep,
he chastised himself. Were they there? He couldn’t risk peeking a head out to look. But even if he
did, he didn’t know what he was looking for, just the coast he supposed. It was the last stop; he
knew that much so he decided he would remain in place for as long as possible to see if the train
started moving again.

It was only as he heard angry voices moving closer to him that he realised he might not be so safe.
The thick German accents were approaching rapidly, and Sirius could hear the carriage doors being
forcefully opened one by one. They were searching the train, and they would find his hiding spot
sooner rather than later. He had to get out, it didn’t matter where he was, he was closer than he had
been. Sirius edged silently to the open door of the carriage and risked a peek around the edge of the
door. There were several soldiers up ahead, guns drawn, and frowns plastered on their faces. They
were looking into the carriages and were only three away from his. Sirius didn’t hesitate, he had to
make his move immediately.

He jumped out of the carriage, keeping hold of the ledge to lower his body with the least amount of
noise. In one swift movement he landed on the ground and dropped to the ground. He scurried
beneath the train all in the matter of seconds. When he was lying under the train and between the
tracks Sirius’ throat became dry. He didn’t want to find out what would happen if the train started
moving with him still beneath it.

He held his breath as the boots marched closer. He could hear the voices shouting noisily now as
they cleared the carriage in front of his. Sirius turned his head to the side so he could see the three
pairs of boots as they approached him, only feet away. They were looking inside the carriage,
speaking loudly to each other and Sirius could make out just enough to hear them say it was empty.
Sirius felt only a breath of a relief that he hadn’t been caught before one of the soldiers stopped and
said something. Sirius could see his boots rise as he leaned into the carriage for a better look, and
then disappear entirely as he jumped up. Sirius heard the firm stomp of the soldier’s slow
movements against the floor above his head and he racked his brain for what they could have
spotted. He took stock of himself and looked down into his arms, his empty arms. Fuck, Sirius
realised suddenly. He had left the bundle of food Margriet had left him with inside the carriage.
They would find it and it would be obvious there had been a stowaway.

Sirius held his breath, his heart beat rapidly in his chest as he waited the long painful moments to
see if the soldier had spotted it. There was a tense silence before a loud shout echoed out above him
and the man’s boots began stomping across the carriage. Sirius saw them land on the ground next
to him as the soldier jumped out of the carriage and the furious conversation between the men. A
whistle blew, more shouting, they knew he had been on the train. More boots joined the three
standing next to him before they began running up and down the train again. One pair of boots
remained rooted firmly to the spot besides Sirius. Close enough that Sirius could reach out and
touch the polished toe.

Sirius thought he had surely not taken a breath in at least five minutes, every muscle in his body
was tensed and he was staring resolutely at the boots that had remained stationary next to him.
Sirius had no warning before the boots were replaced by a pair of knees and then a face staring
directly at him from only a foot away. Piercing narrow eyes bored into his for only a split second
and Sirius was clambering away, away from the soldier. The soldier was shouting now and
scrabbing desperately under the train to grab hold of Sirius. Sirius scrambled out the opposite side
of the tracks and staggered to his feet.

He didn’t look around at his surroundings, he barely looked at where he was going, he just ran.
Once again, he ran for his life as ferocious shouting rang out behind him. He ran across tracks and
over small fences, there was a small group of sheds up ahead that could provide some shelter. He
appeared to be in some sort of train terminal and there were dozens of tracks snaking across each
other and inviting Sirius to trip. He miraculously jumped across each rail even as gunshots rained
out behind him, and the furious footsteps became louder. He reached the edge of the tracks and
faced a high metal fence, without hesitation he launched himself at it. Finding strength and agility
he hadn’t thought himself possible of. He propelled himself over the fence and landed heavily on
his side. The breath was punched out of him, and he wheezed, his ribs had hit the ground first and
he was entirely winded. Even so, he staggered back to his feet and began running again. The ache
in his side was serious and he knew he had done some damage but he couldn’t stop for even a
moment.

He came upon a sharp drop down a small but steep hill and launched himself down it. His
momentum toppled him over until he was tumbling down like a child’s ragdoll. His head hit a rock
with a sharp smack, and he couldn’t help the groan that was pulled from his body. He staggered to
his feet once again, the voices were still behind him, they had clearly been somewhat hampered by
the high fence, but it wouldn’t take them long to traverse it. He continued forwards and stumbled
through a dense thicket of trees, on the other side he tumbled out onto a road, there were buildings
clustered together and he appeared to be in a much bigger town now. He ran up the road,
desperately trying to find cover, an alley to dart down, something to lose the tail he had.

He darted down a side road and spotted a bike up ahead. A German soldier was leaning against the
wall next to a small shop. He was talking to a young woman and his gait was entirely relaxed.
Sirius couldn’t stop his forward momentum even if he tried. It only took a glance to see the keys in
the ignition and the idling engine of the motorbike. He launched himself towards it, jumping on
the back and revving the engine before the relaxed soldier even had time to look up. Sirius
immediately accelerated and sped off down the narrow street and away from his chasers. He heard
the outraged shouts of the soldier behind him, the shots that had so far missed him ricocheted off
the stone buildings surrounding him. Sirius weaved his way through the streets util he found
himself on a larger more central road. There was a sign for a marina up ahead, the sea was close.
He was close enough that he was sure he’d swim if he had to. He followed the sign, speeding
along the country roads so quickly he was surprised he wasn’t thrown off the bike.

He had never driven a motorbike before, but there was a first time for anything and as it turned out
it wasn’t so different from learning to fly a plane. He swooped low around corners, his racing heart
not allowing him to stop for even a moment until he finally, mercifully smelt the tell-tale salt water
that indicated his arrival at the coast. He sped towards it, the train must have stopped only a station
too early, this must be the town he was supposed to arrive at. He found his way to the shoreline, a
boardwalk reached out across the wide horizon. He sped down the road, the engine churned
beneath him. He didn’t know if they were still chasing him, they likely were but he couldn’t hear
their vehicles yet. He was too exposed on the bike though. He watched the houses facing the ocean
whip past him and he watched carefully for a red door. Just when he thought he was surely at the
wrong town a flash of colour passed him. He skidded to a stop and whipped his head around. A red
door, blue flowers in the window. He had made it.
He pulled the bike down a narrow alleyway leading away from the ocean and found a small
courtyard open. The wall was crumbling, and the house sitting behind it was riddled with bullets,
its windows were blown out and there was debris everywhere. He wheeled the bike into the corner
of the courtyard and pulled a large piece of broken fencing across it to shelter it from view.

When he was sure it wouldn’t be spotted, at least not for a while, he jogged back out to the main
boardwalk. He looked carefully around him and didn’t see any soldiers or pursuing vehicles just
yet, but he had to move fast. He sprinted down the row of terraced houses until he came across the
house with the red door and hammered on it as if his life depended on it, he supposed it did.

After an agonising few seconds, the door was pulled open, and Sirius was faced with a shocked
looking woman. She scanned Sirius up and down and stood aside. Sirius clambered in and
collapsed against the wall of the cottage, trying to catch his breath.

“You’re the Englishman?” the woman asked in a kind voice.

“Yes,” Sirius heaved out between breaths. He collapsed onto his side, the pain in his ribs finally
beginning to set in. He reached a hand to his head and felt the familiar drip of blood leaking from
where he had struck the rock. “I made it” he wheezed out before breaking down into heaving sobs.

Sirius was curled up on the floor of this stranger’s house weeping for a long while as activity
milled around him. The house was busy, full of people. Sirius could hear the click of a radio
transmitter and the low mutterings of disgruntled French. The woman who had opened the door to
him brought him a cup of very sweet tea and began gently wiping his head clean. Sirius drunk the
tea in a daze, strangely the only thing he could think of was the fact that this stranger had offered
him sugar in that moment. It was such a rare luxury these days and she had sacrificed it for him. A
ragged stranger who had tumbled into her house and brought a swarm of soldiers upon the small
town.

“There is no time to wait, they are looking for you.” An older man approached the pair and
reached a hand to Sirius. He looked up at him with wide watery eyes, feeling younger than he ever
had, he didn’t know how much he had left in him. But he had made it this far, home was so close.
He nodded and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. The young lady who had provided him
with the tea wrapped a large fisherman’s jacket around him and pulled a woollen hat over his head.
His own stolen hat had tumbled off somewhere in the chase.

The older man didn’t say much more but pulled him out of the house. They walked briskly through
the darkening streets and down towards a marina. They were walking so quickly it was almost a
run. Sirius was sure the man would have broken out into a full sprint if it hadn’t been for the
suspicion it would bring. Sirius knew that they must be searching the town by now, that they
would soon be stopping the boats at the marina. They would need to get out, now.

The man pushed him into a small fishing boat and immediately started the engine. He pulled the
anchorage up and untied the ropes attaching the small boat to the rickety, bullet-wounded dock. In
a matter of minutes, the boat was pulling away from the shore and into the English Channel. The
man pushed Sirius down into the hold and told him to stay there, hidden, and quiet. The boat stunk
of fish and there were buckets of headless cod surrounding Sirius. He didn’t care, he didn’t know
what he was feeling anymore, so overwhelmed by the shock and terror he had experienced to
understand much of what was happening.

After an hour or so at sea, the man called out to Sirius. “Englishman,” he said, Sirius stumbled up
to the deck and looked around him at the dark, still ocean. It was colder out on the channel, but the
weather had significantly brightened. The dazzling sky shone overhead, and the bright moon
sparkled across the gently undulating waves. “They’re here for you,”

For one terrible, heart stopping moment Sirius through the man meant the German soldiers had
found them. His eyes landed on a small boat bobbing up ahead, a torch blinked at them and Sirius
could make out several shadowy figures in the dark. They approached the other vessel, another tiny
fishing boat by the looks of it, and Sirius nearly cried. The three men standing inside the boat were
wearing uniforms, British uniforms.

“Hear you’ve got one of ours,” one of the men shouted up.

“Oui, he’s been causing some trouble,” the man said in accented English. Sirius looked between
the boats with disbelief. The man who had risked his life to sail him out across the channel looked
at him. Kindness spread across his face, and he levelled Sirius with a genuine smile. Sirius waned
to hug him, to kiss him, to let him know how eternally fucking grateful he was, but instead he
reached out a firm hand. The man looked at it and the corners of his eyes crinkled further. He took
it readily and clasped his other hand around Sirius’. “Bon Voyage,” he said simply before
indicating that Sirius should climb into the other boat. Sirius didn’t need to be told twice, he
clambered over the side of the boat and launched himself onto the deck of the English fishing
vessel. The two boats immediately separated, each returning the way they had come. Sirius sat on
the deck for a long while, staring up at the sky with astonishment.

“Quite the ruckus you’ve caused mate. Word is you turned up in Eastern Belgium. Flew a bomber
there from Germany. That can’t be right?” one of the soldiers asked him rather more jovially than
Sirius could have thought possible. He was too exhausted to explain in detail and so simply
nodded. “Blimey, and you made it all the way here? That’s some story. What’s your name?”

“Sirius… Sirius black,” he breathed out.

“Well Sirius they’re going to have some questions for you no doubt but I’m sure your family will
be pleased to see you. How long have you been gone?”

“Four years,” Sirius replied, his voice level and emotionless.

“Christ,” the soldier ran a hand through his hair and glanced up at another man who was steering
the ship. “Well done mate.”

Sirius stumbled to the front of the vessel, so he could see where they were headed. He couldn’t
shake the feeling that it wasn’t over, that he wouldn’t be safe until he had a solid foot on home
ground. After an hour bobbing along at an excruciatingly slow pace, a dark mass appeared ahead of
them on the horizon. The moonlight and sparkling stars allowed for the large steep cliffs to shine
bright against the inky sky. Sirius saw it, home. The first glimpse of Britain in four years and he
finally allowed himself to slump against the wall of the boat and fall asleep.
 Chapter 34
Chapter Notes

CW: There is discussion of racism in this chapter.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Mary

The Americans arrived in Godric’s Hollow in January of 1944. A division of the US Army had
repurposed an old school and farmland at the edge of the village into training grounds for their
troops. Everyone in the village had been surprised, and a little perplexed by the new residents.
They had trundled in on packed trains and quickly swarmed the sleepy town. Many of the older
residents let it be known that they were extremely put out by the boisterous men who had taken
over the pubs. Mary had to admit she hadn’t quite heard such a racket in her life than the first day
she walked into the pub to the deafening roar of dozens of lively Americans.

“Why are they shouting?” she had asked Lily and Remus who had already been sitting in the
corner. Remus, who looked particularly ruffled by all the noise, shrugged helplessly. Lily just
laughed, she had immediately embraced the excitement that came with all the noise and new
people. The American soldiers had apparently taken to the pubs of Godric’s Hollow with great
enthusiasm, the novelty of the cosy establishments apparently new to them. Mary wondered what
American’s did after a long day of work, after a funeral, a sports match, or a christening, if not go
to a pub. She supposed theirs must be quite different.

It was after three weeks of the soldiers being positioned at Godric’s Hollow that Mary first met
Jack Thomas. He was walking through the village suited in his clean starched uniform and looking
quite lost.

“Need a hand?” she called out to him. He looked up and a wide smile spread out across his
features.

“Yes as a matter of fact I do,” he said in a thick American accent. Mary immediately found herself
on the back foot, she knew that people had American accents obviously, but she couldn’t deny the
strangeness of hearing the voice she’d only heard in cinemas calling out across the sleepy village.
The man approached, his hand outstretched and a wide grin still plastered to his face. “Jack
Thomas, nice to meet you,” He said brightly. Mary had to admit she found the stretched grin he
was presenting her with to be quite disconcerting. Who smiled so readily at a stranger? It occurred
to her that in the animal kingdom baring teeth was a sign of aggression, and the quick thought that
maybe smiling was a threat in America crossed her mind. Regardless, she took his hand and shook
it in return.

“Mary MacDonald.”

“Nice to meet you, Mary MacDonald. I wonder could you point me in the direction of a grocery
store? I was told there was one nearby, but I’ve got myself in a spin.”

Mary nearly laughed in his face. That he had managed to get lost in such as small village was bad
enough. But worse, he had managed to get lost looking for the general store that was positioned
quite centrally on the village green.

“Um yes..” she laughed. “It’s this way.”

Jack’s wide grin remained plastered on his face as he thrust his hands into his pockets and began
following her down the street. She took the small respite of quiet to take in the tall man’s figure.
And he was tall, almost as tall as Remus and quite a bit broader. He had smooth dark skin and a
short buzzcut that was a familiar sight on any soldier. He had wide oval eyes and a smile that
seemed to take up half his face. It was quite nice she thought, he had deep dimples in his cheeks
that were more pronounced with each easy smile.

“So, tell me Mary MacDonald, what’s a lass like you doing someplace like this?”

“It’s just Mary,” she retorted. “And what do you mean a place like this? It’s lovely here,” she
replied, slightly offended.

“Oh no, I didn’t mean it that way. Its beautiful here, always wanted to visit England. Honest,” he
added with emphasis. “I just mean you look like you should be off shooting movies somewhere. In
the magazines.”

Mary couldn’t help the snort that burst out of her in a rapid burst of laugher. “Me? Christ, you lot
have been away from home too long,” she chuckled. He glanced at her with a sly grin but didn’t
press the compliment further. They walked in silence for a few moments longer. Mary couldn’t
help but notice the sly looks Jack was sending her way. She smoothed back her hair self-
consciously and kept her eyes pressed firmly ahead.

“When are you off then?” she asked after a moment.

“Not sure,” Jack replied. “They’re bringing your boys home first. Sounds like something big is
coming.” Mary stopped in her tracks and looked up at Jack with her mouth hanging open.

“They’re coming home?” she asked. Jack furrowed his brow slightly and shrugged.

“That’s what I’ve heard, most of them at least. Why? Do you know someone out there?” Mary
nodded and began walking slowly.

“I do. Oh my god, it’s been so long.”

“I wouldn’t get your hopes up too much. They’ve been ramping up training for the past couple of
weeks. They might not get any time off when they’re back,” Jack said in a kind voice. “Who is it
then, your boyfriend?”

Mary glanced at Jack and snorted a small laugh. “Oh no, nothing like that.” The smile that
appeared on Jack’s face made a blush rise in her cheeks and Mary quickly looked away, scrabbling
for something to change the subject to. “So, what is it do you reckon? The reason everyone’s
coming back. Do they think there’ll be an invasion of Britain?”

Jack took the change of subject well and kept walking. “Well I wouldn’t be able to tell you if I did
know. But seeing as I actually don’t know anything, my guess is that it’s actually the opposite.”

“The opposite? So… what you’re heading back over?”

“I think so, to France most likely. There’s movement towards the coasts. Britain is the perfect
launching point for a sea invasion.”
Mary hummed and thought about what Jack had said. “It doesn’t seem all that long ago we were
sending fishing boats over to bring them home.”

“You didn’t have us last time,” Jack grinned and broke into hearty laughter when Mary rolled her
eyes at him.

“Oh sure, basically the entire continent falling wasn’t enough to convince your president to step in.
One bloody bombing and suddenly you’re the saving heroes,” she mumbled. Jack took her stinging
words well and simply laughed good-naturedly.

“Hey, don’t look at me. I’m just a lowly mechanic from Detroit,” he said with mock reverence.
Mary couldn’t stop herself from rolling her eyes again.

“You’re a mechanic?” she asked after a moment. Jack nodded and looked into the distance,
focusing on a faraway thought.

“Yes, before I got called up that is. Family business and all that. Hey maybe I could teach you a
thing or two about it?” he asked hopefully, his eyes turning to watch Mary. Mary snorted at that
and began laughing heartedly.

“Mate I’ve been fixing spitfires for four years and have been working in my father’s garage since I
could walk,” she laughed. Jack’s smile dropped as he realised the mistake he had made.

“Oh! Oh no I wasn’t assuming… wow that’s really… that’s so cool Mary!” he managed to stutter
out.

“There’s the shop,” Mary replied lightly pointing at the small general store before turning on her
heel and walking away from a dumbstruck looking Jack. She smiled and immediately admonished
herself for the light flutter in her heart. She couldn’t help herself however from turning her head to
look back at the tall handsome man. He was watching her walk away and he immediately broke
into a wide bright grin the moment he spotted her looking his way. Mary flipped her head round
and scurried around the nearest corner to save herself any further embarrassment.

Mary hurried down towards Remus and Lily’s cottage, feeling quite light and cheerful. She found
Remus outside speaking with another man in quite serious tones. He waved at her as she made her
way into the cottage and found Lily and Harry in the kitchen.

“Hey Lils,” she said brightly before leaning down and scooping Harry into her arms.

“Hello Auntie Mary,” the three-year old’s happy face beamed up at her. He reached his arms up
and clasped her face with his hands which Mary immediately realised were covered in some sort of
sticky goop.

“Oh Harry no!” Lily exclaimed as she turned and spotted them. “Sorry Mary. I left him unattended
with the honey and am having a bit of a situation,” she sighed, signalling at the honey-covered
table and floor. Mary laughed and tickled Harry under his chin, he squealed with laughter and
wriggled in her hold.

“Naughty little fella aren’t you,” she said before placing him down on the ground. Mary cleaned
off her face with a nearby towel and began helping Lily to clear up the gloopy mess.

“Sorry Mar, it’s been a morning,” Lily said with emphasis. She looked particularly frazzled with
tufts of dark red hair sticking out at odd angles across her head. She sighed and leaned against the
counter. “It’s like he’s suddenly discovered free will” she continued, watching as Harry crawled
under the kitchen table.

“That’s alright,” Mary said lightly. “I’m here to help.” Mary crouched down and peered beneath
the tablecloth at Harry’s flushed face. He was hiding against the wall and had a collection of toys
pooled around him. Clearly this was a favoured hiding spot. “Are you terrorising your mummy and
daddy?” she said, reaching in to tickle Harry again. He squealed with delight and rolled around on
the floor, and it took a moment for Mary to realise her mistake. She froze and looked back at Lily.
“Oh Lily, sorry it just slipped out… I didn’t mean to call him that.”

Lily shrugged and smiled at Mary. “Don’t worry about it, I think we’ve both realised he’s going to
see Remus as his father regardless of what happens. I reckon it’ll be less confusing when James
comes back, and he can have them both around. What does it matter if he calls them both daddy?
He has more than one auntie after all.” Mary nodded and agreed, although she could see the faint
hint of doubt cross Lily’s features, not entirely convinced by her own reasoning. Mary stood and
walked to the stove to start some tea.

“What’s Moony doing out there anyway?” she asked, changing the subject.

“He’s working out plans to build an extension,” Lily replied.

“For the cottage?”

“Yup,” Lily continued. “Harry’s fine sharing with me for now, but sooner or later he’ll want his
own space.”

“Why not move up to the manor?” Mary asked, the couple beats of silence let her know this was
another touchy topic that she had accidentally stumbled into.

“It’s… well it’s a bit tricky. Effie and Monty have made it very clear they want us there. But you
know what Moony is like, stubborn as a donkey.” Lily paused and pondered her next statement for
a moment. “Besides… I don’t think I’d feel comfortable there. It’s James’ home, not mine.”

Mary could understand that. Besides, she had always preferred the small stone cottage if she was
honest. It wasn’t much to look at, and its yard was always scattered with farm equipment. Since
Lily moved in however the outside had been limewashed, there were small flowerboxes in each of
the windows, and curtains that actually matched. It felt homely, cosy in a way the manor’s large
breezy rooms and high ceilings never did. Not that she’d turn down the opportunity to live there,
that is.

“How are you feeling about him coming back? Must be a bit nerve wracking,” Mary asked.

“Yeah it is… I’m trying not to think about it if I’m honest. I keep imagining the worst, that he’ll
just fly off the handle at Moony and I. That he’ll say he wants nothing to do with the pair of us. I
wish he’d write though, no idea what’s happening with him.” Lily sighed deeply. “It’ll be a while
yet I suppose.”

Mary froze as she moved to pop the kettle on top of the stove and turned to look at Lily who was
cutting fruit into a large bowl.

“Is he not coming back with the others then?”

“What do you mean?”

“I was talking to this bloke, one of the Yanks, he said they’re sending most of ours home. James
could be coming back, soon.” Lily froze and turned on the spot to look at Mary, her mouth hung
open in shock.

“Really?” she asked. “I didn’t know…” she scanned the floor, her mind whirring as she processed
the information. Mary took a step towards her and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“It might not mean anything, he said they might not even get time off to visit.” Lily nodded and bit
her bottom lip. She quickly darted out of the kitchen and out the front door, Mary followed her to
the cottage door.

“Moony!” Lily shouted across the yard. Remus turned and looked towards them, shielding his eyes
from the sun with a hand. “Have you heard anything about James coming home?”

“James? Here? No… why?” Remus said, his voice immediately full of concern and anticipation.
He jogged over to them in a few short strides.

“Mary just told me… they’re coming back apparently.”

“Not all of them,” Mary quickly interjected, keen not to get anyone’s hopes up. Remus looked
taken aback he shook his head slowly and wiped his mouth with his hand.

“No… Christ why are they coming home?” he asked.

“Jack reckons they’re prepping for a sea invasion. Heading to France,” Mary said. Lily turned to
look at Mary and raised a sly eyebrow.

“Jack?” she mouthed to Mary with a sly smile who rolled her eyes dramatically.

“Fucking hell, I’ll run up and see if Monty’s heard anything,” Remus said. Before Remus could
turn and start up towards the manor, Harry came tottering up behind Mary.

“Papa, I want to go,” he asked, raising his arms and flexing his hands in a grabby motion.

“Hop on, Bambi,” Remus said, crouching down low so Harry could climb on top of his shoulders.
With that, Remus began walking up the lane towards the manor with the toddler clinging to his
head.

“Bloody hell,” Lily said as they watched him leave. “I guess we might have our answer about
James’ feelings sooner than I thought.”

“Don’t worry about it Lily,” Mary said, wrapping an arm around her shoulder tightly. “I know that
letter he sent was weird, but all too often meaning gets lost in the written word.”

“Mmm,” Lily said, lost in a thought. “Anyway, enough about us. How are you?” Lily said, turning
to face Mary properly. “And who is this Jack bloke?” she added, a wry grin accentuating her rosy
cheeks.

Remus returned several hours later without Harry as Mary and Lily were sitting around the kitchen
table with a fresh pot of tea.

“Demanded to stay the night,” Remus shrugged at Lily. Harry had been enjoying being doted on
by his grandparents and the older kids, and Mary knew that Lily secretly rather appreciated the
evenings free when she could get them.

“What did Monty say?” Mary asked.

“Nothing more than what you told me. Monty’s heard that a lot of them are coming home for some
sort of training.” Remus replied. “He hasn’t heard about James yet, or Regulus.”

A sombre silence fell between the trio as they all thought of their friends who had been away for so
long. Mary knew they were all hoping for their return, but after so long and so much destruction, it
had become habit to avoid speaking hopeful words aloud. Mary had noticed that shift over the past
few years, particularly in Marlene who was witnessing so much more than three of them. People
rarely spoke of their hopes for the future, of seeing each other beyond the next few days or weeks.
Instead, a steady ‘get on with things’ attitude had been adopted by all. This change had been quite
stark in Lily, she had previously been so full of excitement and dreams for her future, and Mary
saw the way she avoided talking about any plans beyond the next few weeks. Mary knew it was
still there though, that fire that burned inside her and led her towards independence.

“Well seeing as Harry's abandoned us for the evening, how about a trip to the pub?” Lily said
brightly, breaking the tense silence.

Later that evening, Mary found herself in the cosy interior of the Bull and Crown nursing a pint as
Remus explained his plans for expanding the farm’s production in excruciating detail. Lily had a
glazed look in her eye and was staring into space as he rambled on about the benefits of reducing
pesticide use. Mary almost asked Remus if he was intentionally trying to bore the pair to death.

“See, I know it probably makes more sense to plant them separately, but I’ve heard that if you
plant squash, corn and beans together the root systems prevent weeds and pests. In the long run
we’d actually be saving money so it only makes sense. Call me crazy, but I think I’m going to do
it,” he was saying. His rosy cheeks and wide eyes made it clear that he was entirely enthralled with
this line of conversation.

“Wow Moony, that’s smart,” Mary said, unsure of anything else to contribute.

“I know!” Remus exclaimed, his vivid eyes glimmered at the encouragement. “They’ve done it for
thousands of years in the States and probably here too but modern farming practices are
unfortunately…” Mary zoned out as she spotted a familiar figure enter the pub over Remus’
shoulder. Jack stopped for a moment in the doorway and appraised the room. His gaze immediately
locked onto Mary and he grinned, a smile that lit up his features and reached his dark brown eyes.
Mary blushed but couldn’t stop herself from smiling in return, she bit her bottom lip to prevent
herself from making too much of a fool of herself before darting her eyes away from the man. Out
of the corner of her eye she watched as Jack walked to the bar with another man and leaned against
it casually.

“So, what you’re going to make a corn, pumpkin, bean hybrid vegetable? Sounds gross,” Lily was
saying to Remus. Remus scoffed in frustration, waving his hands exasperatedly at Lily before
noticing her mischievous smile.

“Oh, you’re making fun of me,” he said.

“No, sorry Moons. It’s very interesting I promise,” Lily said quickly, unable to keep the
amusement out of her face. “I bet Monty will be pleased.”

“I think so-” Remus, immediately back to enthusiastically talking about his new farming
endeavours when he was cut off by two men approaching their small table.

“Hey Mary,” Jack said, his focused gaze making her skin warm. “This is my friend Evan.” Jack
was still smiling at her with that wide bright grin, making direct eye contact and Mary felt herself
shiver under the intense scrutiny. She darted her eyes away and looked up at his companion. He
was similarly tall, slenderer than Jack was and with sharp angular features. He had almond shaped
eyes with heavy lids. His short buzzcut hair was bleached light blonde and contrasted his dark skin.
Mary was surprised he was allowed to get away with it in the army.

“Nice to meet you,” Evan said. His voice was deep and melodic, Mary hadn’t heard anything like
it before.

“Hi,” Mary squeaked out. An expectant silence fell on the group as Lily and Remus looked at her
in anticipation. “Oh! This is Jack… Thomas was it? He’s the GI I told you about.”

“You’ve be talking about me?” Jack said, rather satisfied with himself. Mary nearly rolled her eyes.

“These are my friends, Lily and Remus,” Mary said. Remus stood and offered a handshake to the
pair before pulling a couple of seats to their table.

“How are you finding the UK?” Remus asked.

“It’s a far cry from Detroit, that’s for sure.” Jack said confidently. “Beautiful though, could
imagine myself living here one day.” His companion Evan was quiet, he smiled politely but Mary
recognised a shyness in his closed body language.

“How about you?” Lily asked. Evan looked up, surprised at being addressed.

“Oh I like it just fine,” he said.

“Where’s your accent from?” Remus asked.

“Louisiana, New Orleans.”

“I’d love to go to New Orleans” Lily said enthusiastically. “It sounds incredible, the music, the
food.” Evan’s face lit up and he nodded enthusiastically.

“It sure is something. I love the way you Brits say it- ‘New Orleens,’” he chuckled. Lily blushed
slightly but took the teasing well.

They sat and chatted with the newcomers amiably for nearly an hour. Jack conversed with Remus
and Mary about his family and work back in Detroit, Mary told him about her work during the
war. Both Jack and Evan had been in Greece until fairly recently it seemed, although they didn’t
dwell on the details. Nobody really wanted to talk the specifics of what they had been through.
Remus found a more interested listener in Jack when it came to his farm upgrades as Jack listened
attentively and asked questions about the work. Mary wasn’t sure if he was genuinely interested or
if he was just being polite, she found it charming regardless. She couldn’t help but notice the subtle
glances Jack kept throwing her way across the table when he thought she wasn’t looking. She felt
her collar get hot under the gaze and found it difficult to think of anything remotely interesting to
say.

Lily and Evan seemed to be having a similar problem. They had both sat quietly listening to the
others' conversations for a long time before Lily quietly asked him a question about his family.
Evan’s face lit up and he replied, speaking of his sisters and parents back home and how much he
was missing them. Mary noticed the way she was twirling a strand of hair in her finger
absentmindedly as she spoke, a nervous quirk that seemed quite unlike the normally fiery Lily she
knew. Evan too seemed nervous, he ran his hand over his head and avoided eye contact with Lily
as they spoke barely loud enough to be heard over the din. Every time he said something humorous
Mary noticed the small grimace he made, as if chastising himself for saying something stupid. Lily
didn’t seem to notice or mind; she was giggling along to his jokes as if they were incredibly funny.
Their coy dynamic interested Mary and distracted her enough from Jack’s significant presence on
the opposite side of the table.

When Lily began speaking about Harry, her voice immediately became more confident and her
gestures were more animated. She told Evan that they lived in a cottage with Remus and he was
staying with his grandparents that evening. Mary immediately noticed Evan’s eyes dart up to
Remus and widen in understanding. He sat up slightly straighter and frowned to himself again.
Mary wanted to step in, to explain the situation to him, but she knew it wasn’t her place. After
almost an hour Remus returned from the bar with a round of pints and sat down at the small table.

“Your mates are shooting daggers at me,” he said to Jack. Jack looked up to the bar where a group
of white US soldiers were standing glaring at the group.

“Oh they’re no friends,” Jack replied. “They’re annoyed that they have to share the same
establishments as us here.”

“What do you mean?” Remus asked, taking a sip of his drink.

“Moony, really?” Mary asked, surprised as his stupidity. “In parts of America, we’re not allowed in
the same places.” Remus’ eyes widened in immediate understanding, and he nearly choked on his
sip.

“Fucking hell, of course!” he said, shooting an apologetic look to Jack and Evan who shrugged at
him. His embarrassed expression quickly turned to anger and he turned to face the other soldiers.

“Well those pricks better learn that’s not how things work over here,” he said.

“Mmm,” Jack agreed.

“Bastards, what kind of fucked up place are you from-“ Remus began muttering.

“Remus,” Mary warned. “It’s not Jack or Evan’s fault, is it?”

“No, you’re right. Sorry.” Remus said again. He turned to look at the US soldiers who were clearly
muttering under their breath. “You know what, maybe I should have a word,” he said, standing up
and rolling up his sleeves.

“Fucks sake Moony!” Mary said, pulling him back down into his seat. “Who do you think will get
in trouble if you start a fucking barney over this?” she hissed at him.

“It’s barbaric!” Remus complained.

“Yes, but it’s not like things are perfect here either. You’re not the one who’s going to have to deal
with the consequences if you start stirring up trouble so sit the fuck down.”

Remus watched Mary, her uncharacteristically stern tone had put him in his place and he
reluctantly nodded.

“Sorry lads,” he said to the pair sitting with them. Jack laughed and patted Remus on the back but
Evan had an uncomfortable look on his face and took a sip of his pint. They settled into
conversation once more, tactfully changing the subject.

“What did you mean?” Remus asked Mary a while later when the others were distracted.

“About what?”
“What you said, about how things aren’t perfect here. I know people are dickheads… but has
anyone said anything to you?” he asked this with such sincerity Mary couldn’t stop herself from
bursting out in laughter.

“Oh Remus darling, you’re clueless. You really never noticed my family is the only black family
in this village? Do you think that was easy?”

“No… of course I noticed. I just… I didn’t realise you were ever treated differently,” Remus’
frown encased his whole face, and he had the unmistakable flare of guilt in his expression. “James
never said anything either.”

“Listen Moony, you’re so dear to me, but you’re being a bit dense. And James, well he’s the
fucking lord of the manor I’m sure that helped him avoid any snarky comments.” Mary paused and
considered Remus for a moment. He was so genuinely distressed by this information it was quite
endearing. But Mary couldn’t help but feel a small chasm of distance opening up between the two
of them. She had been so in love with him for so long, but he hadn’t really ever seen her, not
properly. Not if this was the first time the thought that she may have been treated differently had
crossed his mind. “Remus, I don’t need you to save me. I’m more than capable of handling myself.
So please stop beating yourself up, and for fucks sake stop making me comfort you about this,” she
said. Remus nodded and Mary knew he was taking her words to heart.

“I will listen though if you ever… for anything. You know that right?” he said after a moment.

“I do, thanks Moony,” she said, reaching forward to give him a one-armed hug. She darted her eyes
up after she had let Remus go and caught Jack’s eyes darting between the pair.

“What do you say?” Lily said to Mary and Remus, who she apparently assumed had been listening
to their conversation.

“About what?” Remus asked.

“A trip down to the hideaway. These fellas have the day off tomorrow and Harry will be with the
other kids most of the day so figured we could make a night of it?” she said.

“Sounds great,” Mary said before Remus could reply.

Remus led the way through the fields and down to the small shack at the bottom of the Potter’s
property. Mary walked besides Jack in a very awkward silence. She kept darting looks up at him
and in turn kept getting caught. He smiled through the awkwardness, seemingly perfectly at ease
with the tense silence. Lily and Evan were walking behind them, and Mary could hear them
speaking, too low to make out any words.

“Your friend actually got him to talk,” Jack said after a few moments.

“Hmm?” Mary asked, jolted by the break in the quiet.

“Evan, it’s usually painful to tease a word from him unless he’s with friends. Particularly when
he’s around girls,” Jack chuckled.

“Oh,” Mary laughed. “Well Lily would find a way to make friends with anyone, I’m not
surprised.”

“Things are done differently round here that’s for sure. Her man isn’t concerned that she’s back
there talking to some strange soldier?”
“Her man?” Mary asked before understanding dawned on her and she chuckled. “Oh Remus-”

“Yeah?” Remus turned at the sound of his name.

“Oh Jack here was just commenting on how you didn’t seem to mind your wife having whispered
conversations with a tall handsome stranger right in front of you,” Mary teased. Remus darted his
eyes back towards Lily and Evan and smiled mischievously at Mary.

“Oh dear, it looks like my darling wife’s eyes are wandering. What am I going to do?” Remus
laughed. “Lily,” he called out. “I think it’s about time I told you, as your husband, I want a divorce.
You’re just too kind, and funny, and well your beauty just outshines me quite frankly and I can’t
have that. Besides, I just can’t keep up with you in bed-”

“Moony!” Mary shrieked, laughing along with him as she launched herself forwards to cover his
mouth with her hand. Lily was looking at him with a distinctly unimpressed smirk while Evan’s
face was the picture of shock. Lily turned to him and sighed.

“He’s being a knob,” she said. “We’re just friends. Well we are married but… oh it’s a long story,”
she mumbled out as Remus wrestled out of Mary’s hold, laughing hysterically.

“Oh, right,” Evan replied, distinctly confused but clearly pleased.

They approached the hideaway and Mary hesitated outside for a moment as the others went inside.
Jack lingered with her and looked up at the distant twinkle from the manor.

“Hey maybe when this is all over, I could come for a visit. You could show me around properly.
Before I head back to the States that is?” Jack said. Mary bit her cheek and nodded, feeling
uncharacteristically nervous.

“Yes, maybe,” she said. Jack smiled and made a move towards the door when Mary grabbed hold
of his arm and pulled him back to her, his mouth opened slightly in surprise but he didn’t have time
to say anything before Mary lifted herself on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his lips. Jack only
hesitated for a second before wrapping his arms around Mary’s waist and intensifying the kiss. His
lips were soft, and his movements were gentle, but Mary felt like she had been struck by lightning.
Every hair on her body stood on end. After a moment, Jack pulled back, his smile reached his eyes
which glittered in the moonlight.

“What was that for?”

“I’m tired of not going for what I want,” Mary said. Jack grinned at that and rubbed the back of his
head bashfully.

“Well I’m glad you did, my stomach has been in knots trying to figure out a way to ask you out,”
he said.

Mary and Jack entered the shack, her heart was beating rapidly against in her chest and she was
quite alarmed at her own forwardness. She hadn’t realised what she was going to do until she had
already been kissing him, but it just felt right. After years of hesitating, waiting around for other
people, she wasn’t going to waste another minute mooning after someone who didn’t want her.

She sat on a wooden bench and Jack came to sit next to her. His leg extended so their knees were
touching and Mary was extremely aware of the small point of contact. Jack had a newfound
nervous energy and now was he, instead of Mary, who kept darting his eyes away and blushing
when she looked at him.
 Lily was sitting next to Evan on the sofa and was apparently telling a very funny story as he was
laughing heartedly. He looked surprised at his own openness and Mary saw how his body looked
significantly more relaxed than it had been only a few hours earlier. Mary was pleased, even if it
was just an evening of conversation and light flirtation, she could see the light dancing in Lily’s
features as he spoke about his home. She deserved a moment of carelessness after the last five
years.

Remus put a record on and then turned to face the room, he scanned the two couples speaking to
each other and a bemused expression fell on his face. He grabbed a bottle of whiskey and sat on the
floor between the pairs.

“Guess I’m playing chaperone this evening,” he said. Mary laughed and threw a cushion at his
head which he skilfully ducked. They spent a pleasant hour chatting and drinking. Remus
eventually resolved himself to lounging against the wall lazily sipping from the bottle as the others
chatted.

It was just before midnight when the door burst open with a crash, bouncing off against the wall
with a huge blast. Everyone in the room jolted in surprise, Lily yelped aloud, and Remus jumped to
his feet. Monty was stood in the doorway, his chest heaving heavily, and his eyes stricken. Mary’s
eyes darted between Monty and Remus, who immediately had a troubled expression on his face.
Mary noticed the telegram clutched in Monty’s hand and her stomach dropped.

“Monty what happened?” Remus asked in a desperate and wavering voice. Monty didn’t respond
for a moment, still trying to catch his breath. “Is it… oh god not James?” Remus said.

“No!” Monty exclaimed. “No, no Remus, it’s not James…. It’s Sirius”

A deathly silence settled across the room as all eyes focused on Monty with utter confusion.
Remus’ small trembling voice broke the silence.

“What?”

“It’s… well it’s Sirius, Remus. They’ve found him. They’ve found him alive. He’s in a hospital in
London. He’s home,” Monty was staring at Remus who appeared to have frozen in shock. The
entire room was silent as Monty’s words landed.

Mary stood up quickly and made her way over to Remus. Lily also stood and clung to his other
side, they both wrapped their arms around Remus’ frozen form and looked towards Monty.

“Don’t… don’t say that Monty. Don’t say it if it’s not true,” Remus finally said after a long
moment. Monty’s stricken, alarmed face finally morphed into something softer, a fatherly smile.

“I’m not lying Remus. He really is home.”

Chapter End Notes

Sorry this chapter was so late! I'll hopefully be uploading the next one over the
weekend so it won't be so long. The next one will finally see a reunion I promise!
 Chapter 35

James

James and Regulus launched themselves off the train that had brought them into London from
Portsmouth and began sprinting down the long platforms at Kings Cross Station. They dashed
through the throngs of travellers, who yelped in surprise at the two soldiers sprinting full pelt
across the shiny platform floor.

“Wait! Reg, I need to telephone home,” James realised as they skidded a corner and he spotted a
row of phone booths ahead of him. He rushed up and connected to the manor with a still heaving
chest. The phone rang for an impossibly long time before the line finally connected and James
heard a tinny but familiar voice at the end of the line.

“Hello?”

“Bertie!” James said breathlessly. “It’s me James, I’m-”

“Oh my lord, James! It’s so good to hear your voice. Where are you? Have you heard about Sirius,
we only just got the news- where are you sweetie?”

“Yes! I heard, we just arrived in London. I’m on my way to the hospital now, I can’t talk long. I
don’t know how long I’ll be here, or if I’ll have any time off. I’m hoping I’ll have a couple days of
leave to come visit but I’m not sure yet. Can you tell mum and dad?”

“Yes of course, oh they’re not home at the moment- they’ll be so disappointed-”

“That’s alright Bertie, I really need to go. Thank you, I’ll see you soon.”

James hung up the phone and turned to see Regulus’ out of breath and anxious face watching him.
“Let’s go,” he said, and Regulus nodded in return. They continued their run through the station
until they found their way to the exit, they looked around wildly until they spotted a soldier waiting
by a jeep. “Are you here for Regulus Black?” he almost shouted at the man who jumped in
surprise at their sudden arrival.

“I am, I’m to take you to St. Thomas’ I’ve been told.”

James nodded feverishly and dived into the vehicle. Regulus threw himself in behind him and the
other soldier raised his eyebrow at their frantic movements. The jeep wound its way through
London, it wasn’t that far but it was the longest journey of James’ life. They had already been on a
boat for over a week and those last twenty minutes on the way to the hospital dragged out like time
itself had slowed. They got stuck in traffic in Westminster, a bomb had exploded the night before
and the roads were jammed with trucks and cars.

“Fuck this,” James said after waiting for ten minutes in the car. He jumped out, grabbed his bags,
and looked up at Regulus. “You coming?”

“Yes- yes I’m coming,” Regulus said quickly, grabbing his own bag and following him out the
truck. The soldier who was driving them made a half-hearted attempt to stop them but didn’t seem
too put out that he didn’t have to drive them the whole way. James and Regulus sprinted across
Westminster Bridge and along the south bank of the Thames towards the hospital. When they
burst through the doors, they were sweaty and out of breath. Several people looked up in alarm at
their sudden appearance, James was beyond caring what anyone thought. He ran to the front desk
and breathlessly spoke to the nurse manning it.

“Sirius Black,” he wheezed out. “We’re here to see Sirius Black.”

“One moment,” the rather disgruntled nurse said, eyeing James suspiciously. She stood from her
chair and made her way to a large filing cabinet and began filtering though hundreds of pages.
James rested his head against his forearms to stop himself from snapping at her to hurry up. He felt
Regulus’ hand on his shoulder clenching reassuringly and felt a small wave of calm wash over him.

After an excruciating few minutes, the nurse finally turned and looked at James. “He’s in room
110. Down that corridor,” she pointed at a set of double doors and James didn’t even pause to say
thank you before he bolted up and through the doors. He sprinted down the corridor and nearly
crashed into a patient turning the corner in a wheelchair. He could hear Regulus’ pounding feet
behind him until he finally reached a door labelled ‘110’. He stopped in front of it for a moment
and turned to look at Regulus. He had a wide-eyed terrified expression on his face. He knew that
Regulus was having a hard time believing that it was true. If he was honest, so was he. After all
those years of blind faith and hope, the moment news came that Sirius was in fact alive, was the
first moment that James had experienced doubt. He reached out a shaking hand and gently opened
the door. Forgetting to knock, as he always did with Sirius, he took a nervous step into the room.

There were several empty beds lined up in a row, the bed at the far end of the room had a curtain
drawn around it. James approached cautiously and with a final breath reached out and pulled it
open wide enough to peer through. Sirius was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to James,
rotating his arm as if trying to stretch the muscles. James’ breath caught in his throat as he watched
him, he had long tangled hair and was wearing a soft cotton t shirt and pyjama trousers. But even
just his back was unmistakable, it was Sirius.

“Padfoot?” James voice came out as a croaky whimper. Sirius whipped his head around before
James had even finished speaking, his eyes wide and bloodshot.

“James?” Sirius replied in a shaky voice. “Is it really you?” James could feel tears welling up in his
eyes and he nodded. They looked at each other for a moment, James held a breath and took Sirius
in. The two men’s large desperate eyes stared at each other for a long moment, finding their way
back home.

Sirius launched himself up and dove across the bed just as James rushed forwards towards him. He
wrapped his arms around Sirius and clung to him tightly. He could feel his bones under the
pressure of his embrace, he was so much thinner than he ever had been before. He held on to him
for minutes, weeping into his shoulder and digging his fingers into Sirius’ skinny arms. James
could feel Sirius sobbing against him, his whole body shuddered with each heaving breath. James
eventually pulled away, keeping his hands clenched around Sirius’ arms. Sirius’ eyes were gaunt
and dark. His t-shirt was a few sizes too large and gaped open slightly at the collar through which
James saw the edges of some shaky black tattoos. He ran a finger against the top of one that ran
down his chest.

“Where did you get these?” he asked. It was a ridiculous question, and pretty much the least
important thing he could ask about. Sirius looked down and touched the tattoos gently.

“In the prison,” he said in a tiny voice. “I had a friend who… he did them.”

“Where have you been?” James said, his words coming out as a choked sob.

“I tried to get home, I couldn’t figure it out for so long.” Sirius said. “I really tried, I promise. They
caught me and I was stuck in this prison and… I tried.”
“I know, I know you did,” James said, wrapping Sirius in another hug. “I knew you’d come home;
I knew it.”

Sirius huffed a laugh against his chest. He looked up and opened his mouth to reply when his eyes
darted to something over James’ shoulder. His body tensed and his mouth hung open in surprise.

“Hi Sirius,” Regulus said in a weak voice. James turned and looked at Regulus who was standing
by the curtain, barely visible and not taking a step inside.

“Reggie,” Sirius croaked out. James saw Regulus’ bottom jaw tremble as he clenched his mouth
shut trying not to cry. His eyes glistened and tears began running down his cheeks despite his best
efforts. “Reggie come here,” Sirius said, reaching out his arms to his brother. Regulus stumbled
through the curtain and fell against Sirius who had begun crying again. James stepped back and
allowed them a moment together.

“I’m so sorry Sirius, I’m so sorry,” Regulus was mumbling against Sirius’ chest. “I was such a
fucking prick to you. You’re my big brother and you… I couldn’t even…” Regulus’ words were
mumbled and he could barely get a word out through his sobbing.

“No, Regulus. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I left you, that I’m always leaving you,” he said. Sirius was
cradling Regulus against him, and he recognised the older brother in his best friend. They were
only a year and a half apart in age, and both full grown men, but with Regulus curled up against
Sirius, James could suddenly see the two young boys who’d only had each other in the world.

After a long few minutes Sirius finally let Regulus go and he wiped his cheeks with the back of his
hands. Regulus too, stood up and straightened himself. He glanced up at James and seemed almost
embarrassed by his display of emotion. James smiled at him gently, trying to convey that it was
okay, they were all okay. He glanced back at Sirius whose narrowed eyes were darting between
James and Regulus. He had clearly caught that quick interaction.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Sirius muttered, shaking his head. “I had forgotten about this nonsense for
one blissful moment. So, what’s this then, hmm?” he said gesturing between James and Regulus.
James immediately felt a rise of panic and he racked his brain for something to say. Although he
had to admit, he was slightly impressed with Sirius’ ability to transform from the vulnerable
moment to his old feisty self. Sirius stood and whipped his head back and forth, his hands on his
hips as he waited for an explanation. Regulus looked equally as stumped and he opened and closed
his mouth several times before clenching it closed. “You said this was done, whatever this was,”
Sirius said to James.

“I… listen Sirius… obviously I wanted to tell you properly… and well its been four years and a lot
has happened. I…” James began stuttering as Sirius raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him,
unconvinced by James’ blathering.

“You’re a sick bastard James, he’s my brother. Which makes him basically your brother.”

“No it fucking doesn’t!” James exclaimed, horrified by the suggestion. He took several steps
forwards and placed a hand on each of Sirius’ shoulders. Sirius was glaring at him, and James met
his eye.

“Listen Pads, I’m in love with your brother. We were shagging years ago and then we weren’t and
now… we found our way back to each other alright? And I’m head over heels, could write poems,
want to shout it from the rooftops in love with him.” He paused and let the words sink in. “So
you’re going to have to deal with it alright?” Sirius’ eyes narrowed further but some of the heat left
them as he looked back towards Regulus. He sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I don’t understand this, and you’re going to have to explain yourself. But fine, I’m tired” he
sighed. Sirius looked up and reached an arm out to Regulus as if asking for a hug. Regulus walked
towards him suspiciously and clearly immediately regretted his decision when Sirius grabbed him
in a headlock and tumbled over onto the bed ruffling up his hair. Regulus squawked and twisted
around to pin Sirius’ arm against the bed and began kicking his legs out wildly. James watched
with alarm which quickly turned to bemusement as the two brothers wrestled on the bed.

“What were you thinking? Shagging my best mate, you little weasel” Sirius was huffing as Regulus
writhed in his hold.

“What were you thinking? You fucking died you bastard,” Regulus huffed back. James crossed his
arms and let themselves wear themselves out. Which as it turned out, didn’t take very long. Sirius
clearly wasn’t at his full strength and Regulus was still tied from his journey. Once they had both
fallen limp from exhaustion, they disentangled themselves and sat on the edge of the bed. James
couldn’t stop the grin that crept on his face as he watched Regulus straighten his jacket and Sirius
pull his hair away from his face attempting to retrieve some dignity.

“All done?” he asked.

“All done.” Sirius replied haughtily. “I have to question your taste, but fine. If this is what you both
want, I will allow it,” he said this last sentence with such a flourish of humility that James couldn’t
help but snort with laughter.

“Well thank you,” he said in an equally haughty voice.

Sirius settled further into the small single bed and began twisting his shoulder in that same
movement he had when James had walked in. “I was wondering when I’d be allowed to see
anyone. I’ve been home for two bloody weeks,” he said. “They had me on some army base near
Dover, gave me a thorough interrogation and didn’t let me speak to anyone. As if I could be a
spy!” he said incredulously. “Not very smart if you ask me, could have picked a less dramatic way
to make an appearance if I was going to turn,” he mumbled. James sat next to Sirius on the bed and
was about to ask exactly how Sirius managed to escape when he spoke again. “But now you’re
both here, I suppose they’re letting me see people now, right? When’s Moony coming?” Sirius
looked expectantly up at James. The small quiver in his voice when he spoke made it clear just
how desperately he had been waiting to ask that question. James glanced up at Regulus who looked
at him with wide worried eyes. Sirius caught that glance too as he looked between them.

“Prongs? What is it? Remus is alright, isn’t he?” There was a rising panic in Sirius’ voice and
James swallowed harshly knowing what he had to tell Sirius.

“I’ll see if I can find some tea,” Regulus said before making his way out of the room leaving James
alone with Sirius. James wrapped an arm around him and looked at his best friend. Sirius was
watching him with careful eyes, every muscle in his body entirely still as he waited for James to
speak.

“He’s fine Pads. As far as I know, he’s perfectly well,” Sirius visibly exhaled, and James felt his
body go slightly limp against his side. “It’s just… well the thing is… Sirius, he’s married.” James
finally managed to say.

Sirius froze and looked at him with disbelieving eyes, he studied James for a moment and when he
didn’t see a hint of a lie he looked to the ceiling and swallowed harshly.

“He’s married?” Sirius asked in a trembling voice.

“Yes. He… well he thought you were dead. And… well I’m sure he wants to see you. I haven’t
spoken to him in ages, but I’m sure he’s coming.” James said. Sirius swallowed again and nodded.

“Right. Yes. Well I couldn’t expect him to wait around for a dead man right?” Sirius said,
continuing to nod quite violently. James wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince. “Who?” Sirius
finally said. James had to give it to Sirius, he was doing a remarkable job of keeping himself
together when he was clearly fraying at the seams.

“Lily,” James said. Sirius’ head whipped to James and his mouth dropped open. “I know, it was a
surprise to me too. And well… there’s a child too.” Sirius let out something between a gasp and a
sob at that and James couldn’t take it anymore. He wrapped his arms around Sirius and clung to
him tightly. Sirius melted into his embrace and finally allowed himself to sob against James’ chest.
“It’s alright Sirius, it’s okay to be sad about it.”

Sirius mumbled something against his chest and James felt his heart break for him. He pulled out
the cover from beneath them and guided Sirius to lie down. When they were both lying facing each
other on the tiny single bed, James pulled the blanket up and covered their heads, trapping them in
their cave. He could see the glint of Sirius’ watery eyes in the dim light beneath the blanket and he
pressed his forehead against Sirius’.

“What’s their name? The child?” Sirius asked after a few moments.

“I don’t know” James admitted. “I haven’t been able to talk to him about it. I found out through the
paper.”

“He didn’t even write you?” Sirius said. James shrugged but felt himself begin to tear up, the
weight of the day, seeing Sirius, everything, finally catching up to him.

“He might have tried. It was hard, to get letters through. I was in North Africa for a long time.”

“You were?” Sirius said, his voice small and weak. “Fuck, what’s happened to us all?”

“Too much.” James said. “You’ll get through this Sirius. You got through the last four years;
you’ll get through this too.” He could feel Sirius nodding gently against him, but he knew Sirius
was unconvinced.

“He deserves to be happy,” Sirius finally said in a shaky voice. He sniffed and rubbed his nose with
the back of his hand, James held onto his shoulder. He felt like he had to keep hold of Sirius, to
remain tethered to him in some way. He was sure that if he let go, lost that connection of physical
touch for just one moment, then Sirius would float away. It was proof, that solid weight beneath
his hands, proof that his best friend, his brother, had really returned from the dead.

“Lily?” Sirius breathed out in disbelief.

“Yeah,” James said breathlessly. “Listen Sirius, I was pretty mad about it when I saw. But… I
don’t think it’s fair to blame him, to blame either of them. He thought you were dead and it’s-”

“I know,” Sirius sniffed, interrupting James. “Tell me where you’ve been then Prongs? Africa?”

“Mmm,” James murmured, picking up on Sirius’ need to change the subject. He spoke in low tones
under the covers, filling Sirius in about his time in North Africa and Italy, everything that happened
over the past four years of his absence.

“Bloody hell,” Sirius finally muttered when he was done talking. James murmured his agreement
and they were quiet for a long while.
“I can’t believe you shagged my brother Prongs,” he said after a moment. “And just putting it at the
end of that letter? I had to live with that image in my mind for four fucking years!” James chuckled
and felt Sirius’ body shaking with laughter too.

“That was a bit cowardly I suppose. But I’m not sorry about it, Sirius,” he said after a moment. “I
mean… I’m not sorry about him at least. I love him so much, even when we were apart, I couldn’t
break the thread.”

Sirius groaned and pushed his face into his pillow.

“You’re mental,” he said finally. He sighed and looked back up at James through the dark
blankets. “It’s alright James. I’m glad you had each other. Although I wish you’d told me you were
into dick back in school. We could have been a lot less frustrated,” he said, poking James in the
ribs. James laughed and squirmed away from him.

“Gross,” Regulus’ voice interrupted them, and James quickly pulled the blanket off their heads to
see Regulus lounged back on a cushioned chair sipping a cup of tea. James laughed and winked at
him. Regulus rolled his eyes but couldn’t keep the small smile from pulling at his lips.

James and Regulus spent the afternoon in Sirius’ room, only leaving to get food and top up their
mugs of tea. Sirius kept stretching his shoulder and James came to learn he had been shot when a
nurse came in to change his bandages. James had seen his fair share of battlefield injuries, but he
still grimaced when seeing the deep red wound on his best friend’s shoulder. He realised how close
he had been to not making it home even after escaping. Despite his arm, Sirius was in relatively
good spirits and a doctor came in later in the afternoon to inform them that he had been cleared to
return home in a few days. Honourably discharged, the man told them. Sirius grumbled slightly and
insisted he was still able to fly, much to James’ horror.

“I’ve heard rumblings, we’re heading back to France,” Sirius said once the doctor had left. “And
they’re going to need everyone.”

“The RAF have plenty of men, you’ve done your part.” James insisted. “We have the US Airforce
now too. You’re not going back out there.” James said this with as much authority as he could
muster and recognised a hint of his mother in his voice. Sirius huffed but said no more on the
subject and James could only assume that he knew he wasn’t about to be cleared for service any
time soon regardless.

Later in the evening James wandered off through the hospital and found a nurse sitting at the front
desk. He leaned on it and got her attention.

“I was wondering, do you know where I can find Marlene McKinnon?” he asked the young nurse.

“Oh you know Marlene?” she asked, surprised. James nodded, a light flutter in his heart as he
realised he might be able to see her. “She doesn’t work on this ward, and I think she’s on day shifts
at the moment.” The nurse continued. “Michelle, is Marlene working tonight?” she called out to
another nurse who was busy behind her.

“Oh no I don’t think so. She’s on A&E days at the moment,” the other nurse called back. The first
nurse looked expectantly up at James as if that should have answered his question.

“So… will she be here tomorrow?” he asked. The nurse rolled her eyes at his apparent stupidity.

“Yes, she’ll be working in the daytime tomorrow. In A&E,” she said the words slowly, as if she
was talking to an idiot.
“Thanks,” James chuckled and walked away. He stopped to get himself yet another cup of tea and
when he finally made it back into the hospital room he could hear the low sounds of talking from
behind the curtain. That was a good sign, he supposed. He gently pulled the curtain open and saw
Regulus and Sirius both sitting on the small hospital bed. Sirius was sitting cross legged in front of
Regulus with his back to him and Regulus was gently combing through his tangled hair. His
movements were slow and measured, James could see he was taking care not to hurt him. Sirius
had his eyes closed and was clearly relaxing into the careful grooming. James perched himself in
the soft chair facing the two and watched. He felt weightless, as if he was living vivid dream born
out of the most desperate depths of his mind. He felt his eyes relax, and a soft exhale leave his
chest and he battled to keep his eyes open. He was desperate to keep looking, to soak them in for as
long as possible. Eventually, his tired and grateful body gave in, and he drifted into a peaceful
sleep.
 Chapter 36

Remus

Remus staggered out of the hideaway and began heaving violently. He braced himself against a
nearby tree and threw up the entire contents of his stomach as a hot flush of sweat descended over
him. He could vaguely hear the concerned voices of Monty, Mary and Lily behind him, but his
vision was blurry and his stomach hurt. When he had nothing left to vomit, he turned to see Monty
standing close to him and rubbing his back paternally.

“I have to go,” Remus choked out and he began striding away towards his cottage.

“Remus, wait!” Monty’s voice called after him as the older man struggled to keep up with him.
“It’s the middle of the night, and we don’t even know where he is!”

“You said he was in a hospital in London, so I’ll go and check every one until I find him,” Remus
called back.

“The letter said he won’t be allowed any visitors until Sunday; he hasn’t been cleared.”

Remus stopped and swivelled on the spot to face Monty.

“Cleared for what?” he demanded.

“They’ll have questions for him won’t they. I think they’re just being cautious.”

“That’s two days away Monty,” Remus whined. “I need to go. I need to see him.”

Monty nodded and his eyes were full of sympathy, he reached out and pulled Remus into a tight
hug.

“We’ll get the first train tomorrow morning, I promise Remus.” Remus bit the inside of his cheek
and looked around wildly, trying to find a retort.

“Let me see the letter,” he said, reaching out for the telegram in Monty’s hand. He scanned its
contents, expecting it to say something different, that Monty had misunderstood and in fact it was
someone else entirely who had turned up. But no, there it was in black and white. Sirius Black had
resurfaced after nearly four years as a prisoner of war and he was being taken to a hospital in
London. Remus stared at it for so long his vision became blurry once more until a realisation hit
him. “This says he was found two weeks ago,” Remus looked up at Monty with disbelief and saw
the resigned look in the other man’s face. “They’ve known he was alive for two weeks and they
only just told us!” his voice had risen so high he was nearly screaming.

“They would have wanted to question him, to get information about what he knew,” Monty replied
in a measured voice.

“He hadn’t been through enough? We haven’t been through enough?” Remus shouted. “And they
kept him from me for a fucking fortnight!” Remus bent over and rested his hands on his knees,
quite sure that he was about to be sick again. Monty stroked his back softly and Remus heard the
soft footsteps of Lily and Mary approach. He collapsed onto his knees and both women joined him
on the soft grass, wrapping their arms around him.

“He’s home, Moony,” Lily said in a soft voice. She was stroking his hair and rocking him slowly.
Remus looked up and met her eye, and then Mary’s. He finally allowed himself to sob. It was a
deep guttural howl, and his entire body shook with it. They kept holding him tight as his sobs
turned to desperate gasps for breath.

Both Lily and Mary stayed with Remus that night. They sandwiched themselves around him in
Lily’s bed and clung on to him throughout the night. Remus was sure they were probably terrified
that he was about to sneak off and start walking to London. In fairness, that had been his plan. He
didn’t sleep despite the comforting arms clinging on to him, his chest felt so tight and he was in a
permanent state of panic. His racing heart didn’t have a chance to calm itself.

When light began filtering through the soft lace curtains, flooding the room with an orange glow,
Remus carefully extradited himself from the girls’ embraces. He got dressed, shoved a change of
clothes in a bag, put on his flat cap and made his way up to the manor. Monty and Effie were
already up, he doubted they had slept much either. Effie immediately ran towards him and hugged
him tightly. He returned her motherly embrace and clenched his eyes shut so not to start crying
again.

“I’m going to London,” he said. “I’ll stay with Marlene until we know where he is.”

Effie bit her lip and frowned, she clearly didn’t approve of his impulsivity. “We don’t know what’s
going to happen, they might delay his release. It could be today, or it could be weeks from now,”
she said.

“I don’t care,” he said, making his way to the door.

“Okay, okay,” Effie finally relented. “We’re coming to the station with you,” she pulled on her
coat and Monty followed suit. After stopping to ask Bertie to watch the kids, they began walking
up the long drive towards the village, Monty and Effie standing on each side of him. It was very
early, and there were only two trains on Saturdays, so Remus knew he’d be waiting at the station
for a while. He didn’t care, he had to feel as if he was doing something to move towards Sirius.
When they arrived at the station, Remus sat on a bench and stared out in front of him, quite content
with sitting quietly for the next three hours. Effie and Monty didn’t complain, they sat beside him
and waited patiently.

“I hope you’re not waiting for the train,” a voice called out to them over an hour later. Remus’ eyes
flicked up to the station master who was making his way down the platform. “’’Fraid they’ve both
been cancelled today. Next one aint until Monday.”

Remus stood and faced the man, suddenly overwhelmed with rage. “What are you talking about?”
he demanded in a tense voice. The man winced under the sudden hostility and darted cautious eyes
to Monty for reassurance. “They found an unexploded ordnance on the tracks near Reading,” he
said, his hands raised in a pacifying gesture. “Sorry mate.” The station master scurried off,
glancing a look back at Remus’ furious face.

Effie put a gentle hand on Remus’ shoulder and spoke quietly. “It’s okay Remus, you’ll see him
soon. We’ll get you onto the very first train on Monday,” she cooed. Remus wanted to scream, to
shout at them and tell that it wasn’t good enough, he needed to be there, but all fight left his body
in an exhausting nosedive.

Remus staggered back to the cottage to find Mary and Lily pottering around the kitchen with
worried expressions. Lily had obviously collected Harry from the manor at some point and she was
bouncing him on her hip. He dropped down on the sofa and rubbed his hands over his face,
groaning aloud. Monty had accompanied him back and spoke with the women in whispered tones
in the kitchen. Eventually, Mary came to sit beside him.

“Moony, you’ll see him on Monday,” she said in a soothing voice.

“He’s waiting for me,” Remus’ voice was almost a whine.

“I know. He’s waiting Remus. Don’t you see? Sirius is waiting for you because he’s alive.” Remus
glanced up and met Mary’s eye, she had a soft twinkle in it now and Remus felt a wave of
overwhelming emotion overcome him.

“He’s… he’s alive,” Remus repeated, he realised it hadn’t really sunk in, not yet. He had been so
frantic to go to London, to get proof with his own two eyes. Because truthfully he had fully
expected that he would turn up to an empty hospital room and be told it had all been a mistake.
Remus leaned forwards and rested his face in his hands, his legs were jolting repetitively with
nerves. “He’s alive?” He said again.

“Yes,” Mary was now smiling at him, her entire face lit up with hope. Remus looked up and
around the room anxiously for something to do, he was full of pent-up energy that he needed to
release, and he was stuck in Godric’s Hollow for two more days.

“I… I need to punch something,” Remus said. Mary’s eyebrows raised and she looked at Lily
questionably before turning back to him.

“How about we don’t do that.” She said. “I have a better idea. Lily, I don’t suppose you have a pair
of plimsoles I could borrow?”

Twenty minutes later, Remus found himself outside his cottage in a loose pair of cotton trousers
and plimsoles he hadn’t worn in years. “I don’t know about this,” he said apprehensively to Mary
who was stretching in front of him.

“Tough luck, follow me,” she said and began sprinting off down the lane. Remus sighed but
dutifully followed. He jogged after her and felt the rising irritation that he had been corralled into
such a ridiculous activity. Mary turned around and began running backwards, taunting Remus, and
clapping her hands to make him go faster. “Come on then Moony, you’re not an old man yet,” she
said chirpily.

“Fuck off,” Remus grumbled as he caught up with her, already out of breath. “I’ve a bad hip and
dodgy lungs,” he said. Mary shrugged but levelled him with a playful look.

“He’s alive, Moony,” she said in almost a whisper before breaking out in a grin and taking off at
full pelt down the lane. She lifted her arms above her head and shouted. “Sirius Black is alive!”

Remus chuckled as much as he was able through his wheezing breaths but pushed himself forwards
to run a bit faster.

“What is he?” Mary called back to him. “Is Sirius Black dead?” she was now speaking to him in
the same tone she spoke to Harry but Remus couldn’t help but laugh.

“No!” he called after her. “He’s alive,” he said. Something about the speaking the words aloud
made his heart flip and he felt a surge of adrenaline.

“Surely not? I heard he was dead!” Mary said, looking back at him with that wide grin.

“He’s alive!” Remus shouted louder and pushed himself to run even faster.
“What’s that? I can’t hear you!”

“He’s fucking alive!” His voice was now a hoarse scream and his legs were pelting beneath him,
he was moving faster than he had in years. His lungs were tight and his chest felt constricted, his
hip twisted with each step, but he felt no pain. All that constrained energy that had him ready to
head into the pub and provoke the first bloke who looked at him the wrong way transformed into
pure blissful power.

“He’s back from the dead!” Mary screamed as they passed through a gate and into a field, her arms
outstretched.

Remus tilted forwards and sprinted at full pelt up to the peak of the field where Mary had stopped
to face him. He collided into her and lifted her off her feet, swinging her around in a wide circle.
Tears had begun to stream down his face. They weren’t the tears of five years of grief, they were
the tears borne of five minutes of hope. Mary grinned down at him and squealed with delight as
they tumbled down into the grass and lay besides each other with heaving chests.

They returned to the cottage sweaty and out of breath. Remus knew he’d be paying for the
strenuous activity tomorrow, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He threw an arm around
Mary and had a pure, full-bodied smile on his face for the first time in a long time. When they
entered the cottage Lily jumped up from the kitchen table. Another person, Evan, Remus quickly
realised, jumped up to attention on their arrival. Remus and Mary stood in the door looking
between the two and Remus could almost feel Mary squirming under his arm to say something. He
pressed his fingers into her arm lightly, a silent warning not to embarrass Lily.

“Oh hello,” Lily said awkwardly. “How was the run?”

“Yeah, good,” Remus said. He looked keenly between the pair, a knowing smirk threatening to
pull at his lips. An extended silence fell over the group as they all looked at each other expectantly.
Evan was the first to break the tension as he stepped forwards.

“I just came by to replace the whiskey we drunk last night,” he said indicating to a bottle on the
table.

“Oh, thanks,” Remus replied. “You didn’t need to do that.” Evan shrugged and he grimaced
slightly at the nervousness permeating the room.

“I’m glad to hear about your friend,” he said. “Pretty miraculous.”

“Yeah,” Remus breathed out. The sly smile had transformed into a toothy grin, and he could see
Lily’s disapproving face glaring at him from over Evan’s shoulder. Mary was just standing there
under Remus’ arm with a slightly unhinged smirk on her face. He could feel her vibrating as she
tried to contain her laughter.

“I invited Evan to stay for lunch,” Lily said, and Evan whipped his head around to look at her.
Remus nodded at her and felt the tendrils of mischievousness flare in him.

“I’m sure you did,” he said, his voice full of innuendo. “Thing is, Mary and I have plans.”

“We do?” Mary said.

“We do,” Remus repeated very solemnly. “In fact, we have plans with Harry too, so we’ll just be
off.” Remus reached down and scooped Harry up from where he was happily sitting at the kitchen
table. He squawked slightly at the sudden motion and Remus tried his best to straighten his face.
“Oh- well hopefully I’ll catch you again,” Evan said, reaching out to shake Remus’ hand. Remus
took it and shook it thoroughly. Evan then shook Mary’s hand, kissing her on the cheek before
turning back to face Lily. Mary scurried over to where her bag was laying on the sofa and picked it
up. Remus was halfway out the front door when Mary paused in the kitchen doorway to peer in at
Lily and Evan. Evan had his back turned to them as Mary rifled around her bag until she pulled out
a singular condom. She waved it up in front of Lily whose face immediately flushed. Mary placed
it on the side table and grinned at her.

“Don’t forget this time!” she called out.

“Hmm?” Evan said, turning to face Mary.

“Nothing!” Lily exclaimed, her face now a beetroot shade of red. Remus grabbed Mary by the arm
and pulled her out of the cottage. They scampered up to the manor, clutching their sides in pain
from the laughter. Even Harry had begun laughing along with their infectious giggles.

Mary telephoned her factory from the manor and informed them about the situation with Sirius and
that she wouldn’t be in work for a few days. The story of a soldier returning from the dead was an
extraordinary one in the midst of so much bad news, so they had been sympathetic to her request.
Remus played with the children all afternoon, Jacob, Emily, and Elizabeth were young teenagers
now and lounged about the house pretending not to be interested in the younger kids’ games.
Mikey, however was still only ten years old and fortunately still enjoyed being thrown around the
room by Remus. They would be going back to London soon, most of the evacuee children had been
called back over the past year and while it pained Remus to see them go, and he still thought it was
too soon considering the raids hadn’t entirely stopped, he was pleased to see the life that had been
breathed into them at the news that they would be reunited with their families.

Effie perched on the settee watching as Remus lay on the floor and held Harry above him making a
propellor noise with his mouth. She wore a satisfied smile as she watched his carefree playfulness.
She shared a knowing look with Mary, who hadn’t been able to keep a smile off her face all
afternoon either. Remus knew they had noticed the dramatic shift in his countenance. In only a few
short hours he had gone from a tightly wound anxious mess, to positively shaking with joy.

Mary went back to her parent’s house in the evening and Remus stayed at the manor. He climbed
into Sirius’ old bed and nestled under the covers feeling lighter than he ever had. Harry tottered in
during the night and climbed under the covers with Remus. He held the small boy close to him and
savoured the soft snores coming from the toddler.

The next morning was Sunday, and despite Remus’ remarkable mood the previous evening, he still
felt incredibly jittery as soon as he awoke. He would have to wait yet another day for a train to
London. Effie went into the village with the children first thing and Monty headed off to the farm.
Remus was still far too full of energy to get any meaningful work done and so he ambled his way
back down to the cottage in the early morning light with Harry at his heel. He approached the
cottage just as the front door opened and Evan stepped out looking sheepishly around him. Remus
shoved his hands into his pockets and bit his lip to temper his grin. Evan caught Remus’ eye and
froze mid-way through tucking his shirt into his trousers.

“Morning,” Remus said to him brightly.

“Good morning,” the other man replied. He rubbed a hand nervously over his short hair and
glanced back at the cottage. “I need to head back to the base… running late,” he mumbled.

“Of course,” Remus replied as Evan hurried away, he glanced back at Remus and nearly tripped
over his own foot as he made his way to the gate. Remus entered the cottage and whipped his head
around for sign of Lily. She was sat on the sofa with a cup of tea, and she immediately flung a
cushion at his head.

“Bellend,” she muttered as Remus cackled. She was dressed in a pretty blue cotton dress, but her
face was noticeably flush with colour, and she couldn’t stop the smile that teased her lips despite
the effort she was putting in to glaring at Remus. Remus threw himself down next to Lily and
rested his head against her shoulder. Harry wandered over and climbed on top of them, coming to
rest on Lily’s chest. She stroked Harry’s hair and took another sip of her tea.

“Good night?” Remus said.

“Mmm,” Lily murmured.

“That’s great,” Remus replied. And it really was, he was genuinely so pleased for her,
unimaginably so. Lily caught his eye and all pretence of annoyance at his childish behaviour the
previous day was wiped from her face. She threw an arm around him and laughed with her chest.
“So, tell me everything,” he said.

It was only a couple of hours later that Effie came hurrying down to the cottage. Remus had to
admit, the coming and going was getting a bit silly. Still, he was as stubborn as ever and couldn’t
ever see himself leaving the small cottage. When Lily had suggested they install a phone to call up
to the manor he nearly fell over with shock at the ridiculous suggestion that they’d need such an
extravagance. Effie breezed through the door with a flushed and happy face.

“James is home,” she said, the gentle hum of her voice quivered with emotion. Effie’s relief was
palpable in every bone. “He just telephoned,” she continued.

“He did? Is he still there?” Remus asked.

“No, he spoke to Bertie only for a minute, we weren’t home. He’s going to the hospital with
Regulus to see Sirius and then he might be able to come through to Godric’s Hollow for a couple of
days. He’s not sure yet.”

“Christ, what the fuck is happening?” Remus asked, he thought he was probably having a very
vivid, very extraordinary dream. It had to be a dream, because there was no way that Sirius was
actually alive, after all this time. And now James and Regulus had also returned. It was too
astonishing, too improbable.

“Regulus is with him?” Lily asked. Effie nodded, a deep and genuine grin spreading across her
face. “You’re all back home,” she said, her voice a disbelieving whisper. Lily turned to face
Remus,

“I’m coming with you, so is Harry.”

“Lily… I don’t know if that’s the best idea. London is still having raids. I’ll bring Sirius home,”
Remus said.

Lily nodded and bit her lip, “I know… but Remus, I need to go. James might not make it here
before he’s deployed again. I need to give him the opportunity to meet Harry.”

Remus frowned as he considered it, it did make sense. They’d finally get an answer one way or the
other he supposed. “I could tell him about Harry? At least then we’ll know how he feels and then
when this is over-”
“Harry is over three years old, it’s time he met him,” Lily interjected. “And we’ll be fine, there
hasn’t been a raid in weeks.”

Remus eventually conceded that Lily and Harry would come with him, Mary insisted that she
would also accompany them. Monty and Effie reluctantly decided that they would stay in Godric’s
Hollow with the hope that James would be able to visit. Remus was glad Lily and Mary had joined
him when they had found themselves on the first train to London on Monday morning and he could
barely see straight.

Remus nearly ran off the train at Paddington Station, Harry in his arms with Lily and Mary flailing
behind him. He was impatient to get to the hospital, impossibly so. He had spent the entire train
ride jittery and had to resort to walking lengths of the train to expend some energy. They hailed a
taxi from Paddington and after a painful forty minutes, they found themselves outside St. Thomas’.
Remus wasn’t entirely sure how they’d managed that; he had been completely zoned out for the
drive. He stood outside the tall, imposing building sitting on the river with Harry, Lily and Mary,
and he could feel his hands shaking with nerves.

Lily and Mary hung back in the corridor adjacent to room 110 when they had finally located
Sirius’ room. Remus took a final deep breath and then a tentative step inside. He glanced around
the bright white space, Regulus was lounged back on an empty bed throwing a ball into the air
aimlessly. James was stretched out on his front flipping through a newspaper on the adjoining bed.
And finally, unbelievably, Sirius was standing by the window, looking out across the London
skyline. Remus forgot how to breath. He was really there, in the flesh and unmistakably alive.

James noticed him first; he glanced up from the paper and his mouth opened in shock. “Moony!”
he shouted before jumping up from the bed and bounding over to him to wrap him in a tight hug.
Remus clutched onto James firmly, tears already welling up in his eyes as he felt the familiar
embrace of his oldest friend. His eyes didn’t leave Sirius however, who had turned around at the
sound of his name and was staring into Remus’ eyes with a wide, panicked expression. “Oh
Moony, it’s so good to see you. I telephoned the manor this morning and didn’t get an answer,”
James was saying.

“We took the early train, I think Monty and Effie must have been seeing us off,” Remus could hear
himself saying. He finally dragged his eyes away from Sirius to meet James’ gaze. He looked older
than he had before, he had a tiny smattering of grey in his sideburns at only twenty-four, his face
was more defined, and he seemed to have grown into his features somewhat. “I’ve missed you
Prongs,” Remus said in a shaky voice. James’ eyes were bright and glistening and he smiled widely
at Remus.

“Hi Remus,” Regulus said, approaching him slowly. Remus reached down and hugged him
quickly. Regulus took the hug gallantly but awkwardly pulled away and jumped back on the bed a
moment later. Remus wasn’t sure what he was doing, what the strange tension was that suffocated
the room. Why Sirius was still standing in place, staring at him with that tragic look in his eye.
Remus looked up at him again and stepped forward cautiously, as if not trying to spook a
frightened animal.

It had been nearly four years, he didn’t know who Sirius was now, he realised. He had spent the
entire past two days imagining Sirius in his arms again, waiting for the moment he would be able
to see him. And now he realised that time had fractured something for all of them. He stepped
forward again and ducked his head down to catch Sirius’ eye.

“Hi,” he said in a small shaky voice.

“Hi Moony,” Sirius said in a tiny, wounded voice. Remus could see that Sirius’ hands were
shaking.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Remus said, taking another step towards Sirius. “I’ve… I’ve missed
you so fucking much.”

Sirius sniffed and nodded, his eyes were clear and threatening to spill. “I’ve missed you too,” he
said. Remus couldn’t stand it any longer, he took two final steps forwards and wrapped his arms
around the other man. Sirius returned the hug and pressed his face against Remus’ collar. Remus
began to cry and tightened his hold, pressing a kiss to the top of Sirius’ head, inhaling the fresh
scent of shampoo. His eyes were dark and slightly sunken, and he was gaunt, but he was alive.
Alive and in his arms. Remus leaned back slightly and looked down into Sirius face, he so
desperately wanted to kiss him.

As if he had picked up on this, Sirius darted his eyes away and pulled himself out of his hold. He
took a few paces back and leaned against the window. Remus felt incredibly wounded by the few
steps of intentional distance Sirius had created, and he felt his heart crack.

“I… I can’t believe you’re all here,” he said, looking around the room at the three men. Sirius was
avoiding eye contact and James was watching him with a sympathetic grimace. Regulus was sat on
the bed, his muscles tense and looking extremely awkward.

“James. Lily is outside with Harry,” he said. James’ eyes widened and he looked at Sirius who had
gasped quietly. “Do you want to meet him? It’s fine if not, we haven’t told him you’re here.”

James furrowed his brow and looked at Sirius again, Remus turned to face him, confused at the
silent communication that was passing between them.

“Yes, of course Moony,” Sirius said. “I want to see Lily and I want to meet him too.” Remus
smiled at Sirius and then looked back at James who nodded cautiously. Remus walked back to the
door, feeling slightly uneasy and wobbly about the entire tense encounter. He stepped outside and
walked down the corridor to where Lily, Mary and Harry were waiting for him.

Remus took Harry into his arms and beckoned the girls to follow him. He walked back into the
room, and they all stepped in precariously. Remus saw Lily’s gaze immediately latch onto James,
whose own eyes were still laser focused on Sirius. Before anyone could speak, Regulus rushed
forwards and embraced Lily, almost knocking her off her feet. She chuckled slightly and returned
the hug, swaying in place for several long moments. Remus was about to move towards James
when Sirius approached him first. He looked down at Harry’s face who was peering up at him
with a sharp smile.

“Harry,” Remus said to the boy. “This is your godfather, Sirius.”

“Sirrus” Harry repeated. Sirius’ jaw trembled and he ran a hand through Harry’s wild hair.

“It’s nice to meet you Harry,” he said in a kind voice. Remus felt his heart fill with the love he
could see in Sirius’ eyes as he looked down at Harry. “He has your eyes Lily,” Sirius continued.
Lily smiled at him from the doorway, watching the proceedings with her arm around Regulus’
waist. “And Moony, he has your… well he… um…”

Remus frowned in confusion as Sirius studied Harry carefully, a strange expression crossing his
face. He glanced up at Lily who hadn’t seemed to pick up on it, and then at James.

James was staring at Harry with wide, wild eyes, full of recognition. Nobody else in the room
seemed to have noticed the state of shock he was in, pale and frozen in place. James staggered
towards them on shaky legs. Harry looked up at James who reached out a finger to stroke down the
side of his face. They were like twins looking at each other through time. He’d always known that
Harry was the picture of him, but looking at them now, finally in the same room, it was uncanny.

“Harry,” Remus said lowly. The child looked up at him expectantly and Remus spoke softly. “Do
you remember I told you that your daddy was away being a soldier?” Harry nodded vigorously.
“This is your daddy,” he said, looking up at James whose mouth had dropped open. He was staring
at Remus in shock, searching his eyes for explanation. He whipped his head around to Lily who
had a nervous smile on her face, even Mary was standing on the edge of the room, twisting on her
feet uneasily. Sirius and Regulus had identical dumbstruck expressions on their face, and everyone
was quite confused.

“I’m his…?” he said in disbelief before looking down at the boy in Remus’ arms again. Realisation
seemed to strike Lily first and she stepped forwards towards James.

“Did you not get my letter? You wrote and said that you knew about him?” Lily said hesitantly.
James swallowed and shook his head.

“I didn’t get a letter,” he said, still staring at Harry. “I saw your picture in the paper.”

“Oh,” Remus breathed, understanding finally dawning on him. James had no idea he was a father
until only a moment ago it would appear. Sirius staggered back and took a seat on a cushioned
chair, running his hand through his hair.

“You slept with Lily? Even though she's married to Moony?” Sirius voice broke the silence and
James looked around wildly.

“What? No!” James exclaimed. “I mean yes… but they weren’t married! Not yet!”

“We’re not married!” Remus exclaimed abruptly; a sudden desperate understanding washed over
him. “I mean… we are married but…”

“Enough!” Mary’s voice cut through the frantic blabbering that had descended upon them all. “I
think this is a bit confusing for Harry, isn’t it?” she said firmly. “I’m going to take him for a walk
to see the ducks outside and you’re going to figure this mess out alright?” She strode over to Remus
and picked Harry out of his arms leaving them hanging limply by his side. Lily shot her a grateful
look before she slipped out of the door and left the group standing haplessly around the room.

James was staring at the door through which Mary had departed and he looked at serious risk of
keeling over.

“I think I need to explain some things,” Lily said softly. All four men were watching her with rapt
attention. She sighed and guided James to take a seat, she pulled one up next to him. Remus
remained standing in the centre of the room, feeling quite untethered from reality. “James, he’s
your son. I wrote to you and explained it, but when we didn’t hear from you, we assumed you
hadn’t received the letter, or maybe that you didn’t want to be involved. And it’s fine if that’s the
case,” she interjected quickly. “I’m so sorry to spring this on you like this, if I’d known I never
would have. But when we got your letter… it sounded like you knew about him.” Lily paused and
looked up at Remus. James looked between the two, his arms were hanging limply in his lap and
his eyes were huge and unblinking. Lily took a breath and continued. “When my parents found out
I was pregnant, they threatened to take him away. And it wasn’t an empty threat. Remus asked me
to marry him so that we would be protected, so that I could keep Harry with me.” She stopped and
glanced up at Sirius who had a similar expression of shock on his face, he was frozen to his seat
and was staring directly at Lily. Remus so desperately wanted him to look at him, to see him
properly. “We’re not really married Sirius. He was waiting for you.”

Sirius finally tore his eyes away from Lily and his gaze locked onto Remus. “But you thought I
was dead?” his voice was low and wavering, barely audible.

Remus nodded reluctantly and cleared his throat, tears threatening to spill. “I did.” He croaked out.

“And you still waited?” Remus shrugged and anxiously twisted on his feet.

Sirius rose from his seat slowly until he was standing. He approached Remus with slow, cautious
steps. Remus held his breath, waiting for Sirius’s next move. Sirius eventually made it to him and
looked up into Remus’ face. He reached out a hand and held his face in the palm of his hand.
Remus’ eyes fluttered closed and he leaned into the touch.

“Moony, I came home,” Sirius breathed. Remus couldn’t stop the sob that exploded from his chest
and he wrapped his arms around Sirius, clutching him tightly. His embrace was returned with equal
enthusiasm as Sirius pressed himself against Remus, now he was also sobbing. The tension from
the earlier meeting now completely dissolved. Sirius pulled back to look into Remus’ face and
hesitated only for a second before pushing forwards and kissing him. Remus returned the kiss with
fervour, the familiar taste and touch returning to him in an instant. Sirius’ chapped lips and rough
movements felt like home. They separated for a moment and Remus gazed down at Sirius’
glistening eyes, he now wore a desperate smile and he looked so much more alive than he had
when he had been wearing that sorrowful frown.

Lily and James were observing them. Lily was watching them with pure adoration and James still
appeared to be in a state of shock. He was frozen in the same position, sat limply on the chair while
looking up at the pair. Regulus was perched on a hospital bed, also looking quite dazed. Lily
turned to face James again. “Listen, this is a lot to take in James. Why don’t we leave you to it and
you can have a think? I’ve no expectations from you, this is entirely your decision.” Lily stood and
brushed her skirt down before she began making her way to the door. That seemed to jolt James out
of his reverie, and he stood to prevent Lily from leaving. He reached for her arm and pulled her
into a hug, which came as a surprise to Lily if the look on her face was an indication.

“You had to go through that alone?” James muttered before pulling away. He brushed a hair away
from her face as she shrugged.

“I had Remus,” she said. James nodded but kept his eyes trained on Lily.

“I’m so proud of you Lily,” he said. The unexpected words seemed to shock a breath out of her. He
pressed a kiss against her forehead and cradled her face in his hands. “Fuck, you must have been
terrified.” Lily nodded, her lower lip was trembling now. “Thank you, Lily. You’re so fucking
brave. Of course, I want to know him, of course I do.” Lily’s whole body seemed to fall limp at
those words, a tension she had been carrying around for years finally released. James turned to face
Remus and he rushed towards him, embracing him in a tight full-bodied hug, he kissed Remus on
the cheek and smiled up at him through glistening eyes.

“Moony, you’re a fucking prince among men,” he said without a hint of irony. He finally turned to
Regulus, who had been watching the proceedings from his perch, entirely still. “I’m a dad,” he said
in an incredible whisper. Regulus nodded, a small crease in his forehead undoubtedly borne out of
fear. “Can I meet him?” James asked Lily, his voice becoming increasingly more coherent and
eager. Lily nodded and she laughed through a sob. She turned to walk out of the door, leading the
way to find Mary and Harry at the duck pond. James reached out a hand to Regulus, who took it
gratefully and with only a touch of apprehension, and pulled him along behind her.
Remus glanced back at Sirius, his chest was heaving and he was clearly in some state of shock.
“Want to meet your godson?” he said. Sirius grinned up at him and all evidence of hardship, every
line and bruise in his face appeared to disappear. Remus was thirteen years old again and bright
grey eyes shone straight into his own.

“Come on then,” Sirius said, pulling Remus to the door and down the corridor towards Harry.
 Chapter 37
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

James

James clutched on to Regulus’ hand tightly as they followed Lily out through the corridors to a
large courtyard that was boxed in on all sides by the high walls of the hospital. There was a small
pond in the centre of the courtyard, surrounded by a smattering of bushes. There were two singular
ducks in the pond, both of which were determinedly ignoring Harry’s attempts to coax them over.
Mary was holding on to him gently as he perched on the edge of the pond and reached out towards
the ducks that swam past, quite uninterested in the small child. His child. The boy was his son.
James still hadn’t taken a proper breath since Remus carried the child into the hospital room, he
felt incredibly lightheaded and bewildered.

He knew, of course he did. The moment he caught sight of the young boy, he knew he was his son.
He was so familiar to him already, and it surprised James how quickly his heart was able to flood
with love. He’d looked into the boy’s green eyes only once and his entire world shifted on its axis
to orbit to him.

Mary looked up as the group approached. She darted her eyes around warily but smiled when she
saw the happy, if a bit stunned, faces. James approached Harry cautiously, the boy hadn’t taken
notice of the group until James was stood beside him and Mary took a step back. He turned from
the ducks and faced James.

James crouched low and tried his best to put on an approachable smile. “Hi Harry,” he said in a soft
voice. The small boy looked up at him, his large green eyes and wire rimmed glasses took up half
his face and he peered at James curiously. “I’m your… I’m your dad,” he stuttered the word, so
unfamiliar on his tongue. Harry scrunched his face up slightly and looked up at Lily for
reassurance. She also crouched down beside him and smiled.

“Remember we told you that your daddy was away fighting some mean people?” she said in a
sweet voice. It was strange hearing her talk like that, the well-practiced tone she took with the
child. It occurred to James just how long it had been, how long she had been a mother, she was a
natural at it now. He wasn’t sure how he was ever going to catch up. “And your name? Do you
remember what your full name is?”

Harry peered up at her, he looked around at all the expectant faces gazing down at him, it was
probably quite disconcerting. He nodded and fell against Lily, reaching up to whisper in her ear.

“That’s right,” Lily laughed. “Harry James Potter, well this is your daddy. His name is James
Potter too.”

James’ breath left him all at once and not for the first time that day, he thought he might collapse.
The boy had his name, he didn’t know why it meant so much, but it did, and it left him quite
breathless. Harry clung to Lily but turned to face James again. He appraised him with his large
eyes, full of curiosity and interest. After a moment he let go of his mother and tottered forwards
towards James. He stopped just in front of him, James didn’t move. He didn’t want to scare him, he
was still a stranger after all. Harry reached forwards and pulled at a chain on James’ neck. His top
button was undone and so the chain was visible against his chest.
“What’s this?” Harry asked.

James pulled the locket from within his shirt and showed Harry the silver face, adorned with an
intricate snake. “It’s a very precious necklace that I borrowed from a friend,” he said. “Look, it
opens up,” James opened the locket and pulled out the photo within. He unfolded it so both figures
were visible in the now faded photo. “That’s your mum, can you see?” he said. Harry smiled and
poked at it with a small finger, looking back to Lily.

“Who’s that?” Harry pointed at the other figure in the photo and James immediately felt his eyes
drawn up to Regulus. He was standing besides him, a couple of feet away. He had a slightly
panicked look on his face as he watched the interaction. “That’s… that’s Reggie,” James said,
pointing up at Regulus. Regulus gave Harry a tight, awkward smile and nodded. James stifled a
laugh at Regulus’ formal greeting. Harry’s large, interested eyes were flicking around the group, he
twisted self-consciously on his feet. James realised the boy wasn’t sure what he was supposed to
do.

“Are you looking at the ducks?” he asked. Harry nodded and smiled, he turned to face the pond
again and leaned over the small stone barrier to get a better view. James instinctively reached out
and held on to the back of his overalls to prevent him falling in, his heart skipping a tiny beat. He
shuffled forwards so he was next to Harry and looked out at the two ducks.

“I have ducks,” Harry said cheerfully.

“You do?”

Harry nodded quite violently. “At my house, in the farm. Papa takes me to see them,” he said,
beginning to sway back and forth distractedly. James didn’t know what exactly it was that darted
through him then, a quick flash of pain and regret maybe. Harry turned to face James again, he
reached up and grabbed hold of James’ glasses and pulled them off his face. “If you’re my daddy
will you come and live with us?” he asked.

James bit his lip and darted a look up at Lily and Remus who were watching with anxious
expressions. Remus’ brows were furrowed deeply, and he had his arms wrapped around his body
tightly.

“Yes I will. Do you know the big house on the hill? That’s where I live. It’s very close to your
Papa’s house.”

Harry nodded fiercely and broke out in a wide smile. “Granny and Grandpa live there,” he said
proudly. “I sleep there sometimes.”

James froze, rendered slightly speechless. He called them Granny and Grandpa. Somehow it was
that knowledge which finally made the enormity of the situation settle within him. In the space of
an hour he had become a father, and now he realised his parents had also become grandparents. He
fought back tears as he thought about Harry calling his parents those names, about them tucking
him in to bed like they had for him so many times.

James flopped down onto the paved ground next to the pond and watched Harry for a long while as
the others began to trickle away to give them space. Mary and Lily made their way over to a bench
close by, Remus and Sirius sat together on the grass slightly further away. They were still watching
closely. Sirius was staring at Harry with rapt attention. James could tell Remus and Sirius were
talking, speaking in a low hum, but he couldn’t make out the words. They also hadn’t stopped
touching each other. Both men’s bodies were still wound tight, and there was a noticeable gap
between them, but from James’ position he could see Remus reach out to brush a hair out of Sirius’
face, or Sirius reach over to play with a loose string at the bottom of Remus’ jumper.

Regulus had stood beside James for a while shifting uncomfortably on his feet before he eventually
made his way over to Lily. James could see that she threw an arm over his shoulder, and they
began speaking, he really wanted to know about what.

Harry sat in front of him with his legs outstretched when he was finally bored of the ducks. He told
James about the estate, about every animal on it, he told James about the friend he had made that
lived on a farm down the road with red hair and lots of brothers. He also told him that his daddy
was away, that he was a soldier but that it was okay because he had his mummy and papa to look
after him. James swallowed harshly and stroked Harry’s face gently with the back of his hand.

“You know I’m your daddy, Harry? Do you understand that?” he asked.

Harry furrowed his brow and bit his bottom lip as if trying to work out a very difficult problem.
“Are you a soldier?” he asked.

James chuckled and nodded. “I am, this is a soldier’s uniform,” he said, indicating to his dark
green trousers and shirt. He had taken off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves, so he supposed he
didn’t look much like a proper soldier to Harry. Harry reached forwards and began playing with
the chain around James’ neck once more. He distractedly climbed over James’ crossed legs and sat
down on his lap, reaching out to grasp the silver. James didn’t dare move in case he should spook
the child. His heart was pounding and he so desperately didn’t want to mess this up.

“Harry, can I give you a hug?” he asked.

Harry looked up at him and shrugged. “Okay.” It was such an uncannily Remus-like gesture,
James couldn’t help but snort with laughter. It was a perfect imitation of the way in which Remus
would reluctantly receive the affections of his friends growing up. As teenagers, he would always
pretend to be extremely put out by every hug James forced upon him, but equally he would never
be the first to let go. James leaned down and wrapped his arms around the boy, and Harry lifted his
own around James’ neck. James held him tight, closing his eyes and taking it in, trying to
understand if this was real or a twisted dream. He held Harry tight to him as tears threatened to
prickle at his eyes. Harry didn’t seem to mind, he allowed James to cling to him tightly for a long
moment. When James finally let him go, Harry looked up at his face and wiped James’ cheek with
his hand, he had been crying, he realised.

“Why are you sad?” Harry asked curiously.

James sniffed and rubbed his eye with his fist, he shook his head. “I’m not sad Harry. I’m happy,
I’m very happy to have met you,” he said. Harry seemed to accept this and sat down in James’ lap
again.

“Do you know the spell pecto tronum?” he asked James. James sniffed and shook his head.

“No, I don’t, what’s that?”

“For when you’re sad. You have to say the spell and think of something happy and then you don’t
feel sad anymore. It’s magic,” he said.

James chuckled at that. “Sounds smart. Can I practice?” Harry nodded eagerly up at him.

“Pecto-”

“No!” Harry shouted, “You haven’t thought of anything yet.”

“Oh. Whoopsie,” James said. He closed his eyes, and ridiculously, he actually did try to think of
something happy. He had so many memories to choose from, days on the farm with his parents
when he was Harry’s age. Playing in the treehouse with Remus, meeting Sirius on his first day at
Hogwarts. Evenings at the hideaway with his friends. Regulus. James thought of Regulus’ flushed
face and long curls dancing in the wind after a long bike ride to the top of a hill. How he had gazed
over the horizon on a scorching summer day, how he had made James’ throat dry and his mind
muddled with a quick sip of lemonade. James opened his eyes and looked at Harry. “Okay, I’ve
thought of something,” he said. Harry nodded maturely, apparently accepting of his effort. “Pecto
Tronum!” James declared from his chest; his voice echoed across the courtyard. Harry began
giggling and James couldn’t resist joining in, he tickled Harry under his chin and the young boy
began squirming with delight in his arms. “You’re right!” he said. “It does work!”

Lily came and sat with them a while later. James smiled as he watched her gently comb her fingers
through her son’s hair. She took a deep breath before looking up at him and speaking.

“I’m sorry James, that you’re only finding out now. That you had to find out like this,” she said.

James shook his head. “It’s fine Lily, really. It’s a hell of a shock, I won’t lie. But I’m glad you had
Moony, I’m so glad you were safe.” James paused and hesitated for a moment, careful to word his
next question properly. “Did you really think I wouldn’t care? You seemed a bit… well you made
it quite clear you were prepared for me to turn my back on him.”

Lily sighed and glanced down at Harry. “I… yes I suppose I did. I think I have been thinking that
way for over three years. Me and Moony used to get into rows about it actually. He thought there
would be no chance. He knew you’d fall in love with Harry the moment you saw him.” She paused
and caught James’ eye once more. “Deep down I knew that too. But honestly, I’ve never felt
anything like this. The love I have for Harry, it's such an unending well and it scares me
sometimes, what I’d do for him. I didn’t know it was possible to love something this much. If there
was chance, even the slightest possibility, you would resent him… I needed to make sure you
wouldn’t break his heart.”

James nodded, he could understand that. Looking down into Harry’s face, he saw so much of Lily
in him, and he perfectly understood the instinct to protect the boy. Equally he understood that the
fears Lily had conceived were an impossibility. His priorities had shifted so suddenly and with
such overwhelming power, he knew he would do anything for his son.

The group made their way back to Sirius’ hospital room shortly after that. James was the last one
into the room as they filtered in and was stopped just as he was about to step through the door by
someone calling his name.

“James!”

He turned around and saw Marlene sprinting towards him down the corridor, her long blonde hair
waving behind her. She barrelled into him with some speed and nearly knocked him over. He
hugged her tightly and spun her around.

“Marlene!,” he exclaimed.

“Bloody hell Potter, look at you all grown up.” She grinned widely at him and peered at the
number on the room he was about to enter. “I got a message that you left a note for me, that you
were in room 110. I thought it must be a mistake but here you are,” she said, staring at him with
unbelieving eyes. “Is there something wrong? Why are you here?” she scanned his body up and
down, apparently looking for a sign of injury or illness.
“Oh no, it’s not me-”

“Hey Marlene!” Sirius opened the door next to them and grinned. Marlene let out such a blood
curdling scream both James and Sirius flinched and bowed their heads. James darted his head
around, looking for the danger. When he couldn’t see any immediate sign of incoming doom, he
turned back to Marlene who was staring at Sirius with an ashen face and her mouth agape.

“You didn’t hear I was back then?” Sirius said.

“No,” Marlene breathed out. She rushed forwards to embrace Sirius, tears immediately running
down her face. “What the fuck, what the actual fuck” she was muttering. She took a step back and
began hitting Sirius’ chest with a notebook she had in her hand. “What the fuck Sirius?”

“He’s alive,” James said, trying to stifle a laugh. Marlene turned an aggravated face towards James.

“Yes I can see that James, thank you very much. How on earth…?”

“It’s a long story,” Sirius sighed. Marlene nodded and scanned Sirius up and down before reaching
for another tight hug. James couldn’t resist and he launched himself on top of them, wrapping his
arms around them both.

“The others are inside, we’ll explain everything,” James said after a moment.

Sirius was bouncing off the walls once Marlene had arrived. The entire group sat around Sirius’
hospital bed and chatted like old times. Harry was quite happy being the centre of attention in the
centre of the group. Sirius had immediately began roughhousing with the toddler, spinning him
upside down and throwing him into the air, much to Harry’s excitement. Marlene offered her house
for them all to stay in for the night and Sirius immediately deflated at being left out. When the
doctor came to do his rounds, Sirius whined at him until the man finally relented and agreed to
discharge him early. There wasn’t really much need for him to stay longer, Marlene could change
his bandages and he was due to leave the following day anyway. Regulus had remained close to
James’ side through the course of the day, but they hadn’t had a moment alone to speak. James
wondered what he was making of it all and he desperately wanted to speak to him.

The group took the underground East towards Bethnal Green later in the day when Marlene had
finished her shift. They followed dutifully through the small, terraced lanes and James looked
around himself with great interest. He’d been to London several times. Mostly to Kings Cross for
his train to school and occasionally to the West End. But he had never really spent much time
there, the busy streets and crowded busses were an assault to his senses. Regulus moved through
the crowds with ease, and James found himself tailing him closely.

The evidence of the bombings was shocking, everywhere he looked there were bombed-out
buildings, craters in the road, and missing roofs. Marlene skipped over a pile of rubble as if she
didn’t even notice it, and it shocked James that such devastation had become so commonplace to
her. He had been in warzones for years, and he had seen his fair share of devastation, but coming
face to face with it on his own doorstep created a deep pit of anxiety in his stomach.

Eventually, they turned up at a small two-story terraced house. Marlene let them in through the
front door which led straight into a modest front room. There was a staircase leading up to a second
floor just in front of the door, and James spotted a small kitchen leading off the back of the living
room.

“Here we are then,” Marlene said, beckoning her friends inside. “Sorry it’s a bit of a mess.
Obviously wasn’t expecting guests.”

The group ambled their way inside and began depositing their coats and bags. James whistled
lowly and strode around the room, she had decorated the walls with a multitude of paintings of
flowers in different styles and colours. “Very nice Marls,” he said appraising the small house.

Marlene scoffed, “It’s not much. It suits us well enough.”

“Us?” James asked, turning to face Marlene.

“Me and my flatmate Dorcas. We were boarded together a few years ago and decided to get our
own place. She’s on nights at the moment,” Marlene said, a light blush appearing on her cheeks.

“I remember Dorcas,” James said. “Thought you hated each other? Every letter you sent me was
telling me how annoying she was,” he said. He noticed a significant look pass between Lily and
Mary and made note to ask about that later.

“Oh… yes, I suppose I did say that. It’s alright now. She’s not that bad,” Marlene was stuttering
and had turned a light shade of pink. James turned back to study the gallery wall. It looked like
Marlene had collected every picture and painting of flowers she could, the entire wall was full of
them.

“I like this one,” James said, pointing to a small picture of a field of yellow tulips. It was framed in
a light wooden fixture and the vivid yellow stood out against the white wall behind it. “Yellow
tulips are my favourite. When we were marching through Holland there were fields of them, all in
different colours. The whole place looked like a vibrant quilt; it was incredible! But I always liked
the yellow ones best,” he said.

“It’s yours,” Marlene said while shrugging off her coat. James studied the painting again, quite
warmed by Marlene’s easy generosity. He had no use for a painting where he was going, but he
decided that once the war was finally over, he would take it and hang it in the manor’s kitchen,
right above the table they gathered around each morning.

“I’ll come back for it,” he said.

There was some chaos when it came to assigning sleeping arrangements. Marlene suggested that
the girls and Harry would stay in her room and Sirius and Remus could have the small spare box
room that contained a pull-out bed. She informed James that she would make up a bed on the floor
of the living room for him and Regulus. James raised his eyebrow at that and then glanced around
at his friends who apparently hadn’t anything heard anything out of the ordinary. It quickly became
apparent that they were all fully aware of his and Regulus’ relationship. He supposed he should
have expected it, he had told Sirius and Lily, so he should have known that the girls and Remus
were bound to be aware. He chuckled under his breath as the conversation continued around him
with none of his friends even considering that they might feign surprise at the sleeping
arrangements.

Sirius and Remus retreated to their bedroom to settle in as Marlene and Mary made their way to the
local chippy for some dinner. When they returned, James bounded up the stairs. He popped his
head into Marlene’s room in which Lily was sitting with Harry, attempting to corral him into his
pyjamas.

“Dinner’s here,” he said. She smiled at him and nodded.

“Will be down in a sec.”

James then bounced across the hallway to Sirius and Remus’ room and flung open the door. He
yelped in shock when he was met by the sight of Remus on his knees with his mouth incredibly
occupied. Sirius was stretched out across the mattress entirely undressed with his arm across his
face. He looked up in surprise at the sound of the door opening, Remus didn’t even stop his
bobbing head for a second. James realised he was going to have to finally learn to knock.

“Prongs mate, it’s been four years. Join in or fuck off,” Sirius rasped. James immediately flushed
red and pulled the door closed behind him.

“They coming down?” Lily asked as she made her way out of Marlene’s room. James shook his
head and clenched his mouth shut to stop himself from laughing.

“We’ll keep theirs warm,” he said.

Marlene had splashed out on a couple of bottles of wine and the group sat around her living room
laughing and eating like no time at all had passed. James sat next to Regulus on the settee and
threw his arm around him, taking in the genial atmosphere. Lily was sat on his other side, with
Harry squished between them, his small hand resting on James’ leg. James was sure he was
dreaming, that they could really all be together like this, having dinner as if it was an everyday
occurrence. Eventually, a rather sheepish Remus and Sirius made their way down the stairs and
collected their fish and chips to a chorus of wolf-whistles.

Later, Marlene helped Regulus and James construct a makeshift bed out of blankets and pillows on
the living room floor. They settled in under the soft duvet and pulled the cover up to their chins.
They peered at each other through the soft street light that filtered through the sash window while
the house slept.

“What a fucking day,” James said in a low voice.

“Mmm,” Regulus murmured.

James reached under the covers and began stroking Regulus’ arm. He could see a slight tension in
the other man, something that had been ebbing under the surface all day. “Are you alright Reg?”
he asked.

“Yes,” he replied. “I can’t believe it though… he’s your son."

“It’s insane, bloody insane,” James agreed. The tension remained in Regulus’ brow and James
shifted forwards, so he was closer to him. “How do you feel about it?”

Regulus glanced up at him with surprise. “How do I feel? That hardly matters, how are you?”

“It matters to me,” James said.

Regulus pursed his lips and thought about it for a moment. “He looks just like you,” he started.
“He looks like Lily too, but I saw it almost instantly. I knew as soon as they entered that room that
he was your boy. I’m happy for you James, I think you’re going to be a wonderful father.” Regulus
stopped and frowned slightly.

“But…?” James prompted.

“It’s just… well I’m not going to blame you alright? If you want to be a family, I won’t make that
more difficult for you.”
It took a moment for Regulus’ words to land with James, his heart dropped with shock at what
Regulus was implying. He immediately pushed himself forwards under the covers so his face was
close to Regulus’, and he draped his arm tightly around his body.

“Oh… I’m so stupid,” he said. “It didn’t even occur to me what this must be doing to you.”
Regulus frowned further he avoided eye contact and withdrew into himself so that the cover was
almost obscuring his entire head. James kissed him on the forehead gently and then again on his
cheek. “It’s you Regulus. It’s been you since you walked into my life all those years ago. Nothing
is going to change that.” James touched Regulus’ chin lightly, lifting it up so Regulus was forced to
look in him the eye. “Nothing,” he repeated, making sure his meaning was known. Regulus bit his
bottom lip and let out a shaky breath.

“But it’s always been her, and I understand why because she’s wonderful. Now you have a son… it
makes more sense James. It fits.”

James felt like he wanted to scream, to rip of his skin and show Regulus just how his heart beat
only for him.

“It doesn’t,” he said. “It doesn’t fit at all, not like that. Of course I want to be a family, but we
already are one. You, me, Lily and Harry. Remus, Sirius, Mary, Marlene. You’re all already my
family. And Lily is part of that of course she is, but please Regulus, don’t ever think I’m going to
turn away from you. Not after everything we’ve been through.”

Regulus inhaled sharply at his heated words. He looked up at James through the dim light and
nodded. He leaned forwards and captured James’ lips in a kiss. James immediately responded,
wrapping his arms around Regulus and rolling on top of him.

“I believe you, James,” Regulus finally said. “And I mean it, Harry’s so lucky he’s has you as a
father.”

James snorted quietly. “I don’t have the foggiest what I’m supposed to be doing. Lily and Moony
will help me find my footing, I’m sure. Besides, he’ll have his Uncle Reggie too.” James grinned
down at Regulus whose face lit up in surprise.

“Uncle Reggie?” he laughed.

“Mmm,” James mumbled as he began assaulting Regulus’ neck with kisses.

“I suppose that doesn’t sound so bad,” Regulus said, wrapping his arms tighter around James.
James pulled his hands down until they were resting on his backside and Regulus’ fingers dug into
the soft flesh. He groaned as James pressed himself closer to the other man. “James… they’re just
upstairs,” he warned.

“Don’t care,” James mumbled. “They’re all asleep now anyway.”

Regulus didn’t need much convincing to melt into James’ embrace. He flipped them over, so James
was on his back and continued kissing him feverishly. James relaxed into his touch and allowed
Regulus to pull on his t-shirt until he whipped it off over his head. James brought his hands up to
pull at Regulus’ top, his eyes were dilated and he was staring down at James with a dangerous
intensity. James grunted as he was unceremoniously flipped onto his front by Regulus and he
chuckled as Regulus plastered himself to James’ back. Regulus kissed along his shoulder blades
and down his ribs. James rested his head on his arms and allowed Regulus to map out the planes of
his body with his tongue.
When Regulus reached his waist, he pulled at James’ boxers, tugging them down until James was
able to kick them off with his feet. Regulus continued kissing then, across his hip and the globes of
his buttocks before pushing his face into James’ crease. James yelped with surprise which very
quickly turned into a deep moan of pleasure. Regulus hummed with approval at James’ wriggling
and James pushed his face into his pillow to stop himself from screaming. He’d never felt anything
like it, didn’t know it was even a possibility. He couldn’t stop himself from squirming and reached
back to hold Regulus’ face in place.

“Jesus fuck,” he finally managed to gasp out as he writhed on their makeshift bed. After minutes of
Regulus undivided attention, James couldn’t hold on any longer. He turned over and pulled
Regulus up to him, kissing him without a thought of where his mouth had just been. He rolled
Regulus onto his back and straddled him, pulling off his clothes with desperate urgency. Regulus’
heavy lidded eyes were dazed and he quickly divested himself of his own boxers. James positioned
himself on top of Regulus and sunk down slowly, he bit down on his fist to prevent himself from
yelling and waking up the whole house.

Regulus’ breathing was harsh and jolting beneath him, James could see the way his chest was
rising erratically with a constrained need to move. Eventually, James did move, and he began
thrusting down against Regulus feeling full and frenzied and rich with hope. Despite their best
efforts to keep their activities as quiet as possible, the room filled with the sound of their low
grunting and slap of skin. When James felt himself reach his peak, he fell forwards against Regulus
and bit his shoulder to keep himself from screaming. The shock tipped Regulus over the edge, who
promptly came with a muffled groan.

James remained on top of Regulus as he gathered his strength and steadied his breathing. “I love
you,” Regulus murmured into his ear. James closed his eyes and let the words sink in, he relished
in the easy way they now fell off of Regulus’ tongue after not being able to say them for so long.

“I love you too,” James replied.

“My fucking shoulder hurts,” Regulus said after a moment. James looked down with wide eyes and
spotted the red crescent shape he had left in the other man’s pale skin.

“Oh shit,” he said with alarm. Regulus shook with laughter beneath him and pushed up to kiss him.

“Bloody animal,” Regulus huffed. James chuckled before pulling away and nestling in besides him
under the soft cotton covers.

The early morning light woke James up. He’d gotten used to rising extremely early over the past
five years and so he suspected he’d be one of the first awake. To his surprise, Regulus twisted in
his arms and blinked up sleepily at him. They were still both naked under the covers and James
immediately felt himself heat up with the memory of the evening before. Regulus rested on his
chest and looked up at him, his curls had grown longer and were falling into his eyes again in the
same way they had when he had first met him. They’d be getting haircuts again soon, James
supposed.

He hadn’t given a lot of thought to the next few weeks and months. They were heading back to
training; he knew that much. And if the murmurs from other soldiers were anything to trust, they
were apparently heading back to France. James had been so caught up in Sirius’ miraculous return,
and now the sudden appearance of his son, that he really hadn’t thought much about it. He had
learnt over the past five years that there was no point fearing for the future, because there was no
controlling it. He wrapped his arms tighter around Regulus and instead focused on the way his soft
skin felt pressed against his own.
Regulus kissed him gently, which quickly turned into much more heated snogging. James
wondered if they’d have enough time for another shag before anyone woke up when he heard a
horrified yelp followed by some quite theatrical gagging. Sirius was halfway down the staircase on
the other side of the room and was bent over at the waist, clutching his stomach.

“Oh god,” he cried, retching with some drama. “Oh god, its horrible.” James rolled his eyes at
Regulus who was looking at him with a disgruntled expression. “I feel sick,” Sirius cried
despairingly. Remus laughed as he followed Sirius down the stairs and caught sight of James and
Regulus cosied up together under the covers.

“Like you can talk after that show you gave me yesterday,” James retorted. Sirius was now
covering his eyes and waving his hand out wildly to find his way through the living room blind.
“Nice technique by the way Moony, you’ll have to give me some tips,” James said with a grin.
Sirius stopped his dramatics and uncovered his eyes, looking at James with unimpressed and
narrowed eyes. James winked at Remus who chuckled and entered the kitchen.

James and Regulus reluctantly got up, dressed, and made their way into Marlene’s kitchen. Remus
was brewing a pot of tea on the stove and Sirius was sitting on the counter next to him, gazing
down at him as if he hung the stars.

“I’ll pop out and get some food for breakfast,” James announced. They’d gotten a book full of
ration vouchers on their arrival to the UK and he figured he’d make use of them by treating the
group to a fry up. When James returned from the corner shop with bacon, eggs, fresh bread, and
milk, the kitchen was alive with activity. The others had all woken up and were busy drinking tea
and coming to consciousness. Remus was bouncing Harry on his knee as the boy chattered to him,
far more energetic than anyone else in the room. Remus looked up as James entered and grimaced
slightly, James had noticed him doing that on more than one occasion. He made a mental note to
speak to him about it, something was clearly troubling him.

James crouched down in front of Remus and Harry and looked up at the child. “Morning Harry,”
he said, smiling up at his rosy cheeks.

“G’morning,” Harry replied.

“Do you remember who I am?” James asked. Harry giggled and rolled his eyes in a spectacular
impression of an exasperated Lily.

“Yes silly, you’re my daddy,” he said to James as if he was explaining a very simple concept to an
idiot. James burst out laughing and tickled Harry under his chin.

“That’s right,” he said.

As the group settled down for breakfast, James heard the front door open. Marlene jumped to her
feet and rushed out into the front room. James could hear some low murmurings before she re-
entered the room with another woman. The other woman, Dorcas, James assumed, was tall and
willowy. She had dark skin and extremely large deep brown eyes. She was wearing her nursing
uniform and her long braids were tied back in a bun. She was breath-taking, James had to admit,
and her beauty looked quite out of place in the gloomy kitchen.

“Hello,” she said, nervously waving to the group of strangers sitting in her kitchen.

“Hello,” the group parroted back to her.

“This is Dorcas, Dorcas… this is everyone,” Marlene said.

 Dorcas waved again with a large awkward smile on her face. Marlene shifted closer to her and
spoke in a low voice. “I’ll explain later.” Dorcas nodded, keeping that wide anxious grin steady.

“Um… nice to meet you. I need to go to bed, but I’ll see you this evening?” she announced to the
room. Everybody immediately responded in the affirmative, resulting in a incomprehensible noise.
Dorcas waved again before backing out of the room and making her way up the stairs.

“James, when do you and Regulus need to return?” Lily asked once they had returned to their
breakfasts.

“Not for a few days,” James mumbled around a mouthful of toast. “They’ve given us until Friday,
but we need to check in with our Sergeant today so I’ll head back to Godric’s Hollow in the
morning.”

“Oh good, Monty and Effie are going to be over the moon.” James grinned at Lily, he was
incredibly impatient to see his parents again, but he supposed he could wait one more day.

“Where do you need to check in?” Sirius asked.

“Somewhere down near Victoria.”

“Alright, how about we make a day of it? We could take Harry to see the river and Big Ben,”
Sirius suggested.

“Sounds great,” James said. He reached over to where Harry was sitting on his own seat and
picked him up into his arms. “How would you like to see a really big clock Harry?” he asked.
Harry giggled in his arms and wrapped his small arms around James’ neck. The small gesture of
trust lit a fire inside him, and James kissed Harry gently on his head, fighting the urge to cry.

Chapter End Notes

Just an fyi that the next chapters probs won't be posted until next week <3
 Chapter 38
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

James made his way to Victoria after breakfast, the entire group at his heel. The others settled in in
a small park opposite the tall grey building he and Regulus needed to enter to check in with their
Sergeant. It didn’t take long, he was a humourless man, but he had softened somewhat upon
hearing of Sirius’ miraculous return. Once they were done, they walked the short distance to
Westminster and looked up at the looming sight of Big Ben. Harry was interested in it for about
five minutes, but the novelty soon wore off. It was just a tall building James supposed and he
didn’t blame Harry for not caring. James looked up at the glittering gold façade of the House of
Parliament, its intricate detailing announcing the importance of the men inside. He thought about
the men who walked in those halls, the same men who were currently making decisions about his
fate. He wondered if they ever thought about people like him, soldiers who had been called up and
faced death in the name of the greater good. He didn’t suppose they did, winning the war was the
only objective. It occurred to James as they walked away that there probably wasn’t actually
anyone inside the large building. The decisionmakers would be squirreled away in secret bunkers
across the Capital while life continued on the surface.

They walked along the river for a long while, taking in the unseasonably sunny day. They
approached a small market, empty of stalls now due to the war. There was a photobooth besides a
small stationary shop and James wondered if it still worked. He jogged over to it and poked his
head in, it looked functional by all accounts.

He made his way over to Harry and picked him up in his arms. “Do you want a picture, Harry?” he
asked. Harry nodded but looked at the strange contraption suspiciously. James sat inside, placed
Harry on his lap, and drew the curtain. He pointed at the camera lens sitting in front of them and
directed Harry to look at it. The boy frowned at it, confused at what he was supposed to do.

“Pull a silly face,” James said, before putting his fingers in his mouth and stretching his mouth into
a goofy grimace. Harry giggled and stuck his tongue out at the camera as a flash went off. “Now an
angry one,” James said. He put the corners of his mouth down into a furious frown and scowled as
Harry imitated his expression. “Okay, now a happy one.” Father and son both grinned at the
camera. As James was thinking of a final pose, Harry twisted on his lap and stretched his arms
around James’ neck, he buried his face into his chest and James felt his heart skip. He closed his
eyes and wrapped his arms tight around Harry as the camera flashed for a final time.

He stepped outside the booth and collected the row of photos, he looked warmly at the happy faces
staring back a him. Harry wandered over to Lily as Regulus came and looked at the photos in his
hand.

“They’re great,” he said softly. James nodded but couldn’t speak for fear of crying yet again.

“How about it then?” he asked Regulus after a moment, jerking his head towards the photobooth.
Regulus feigned disinterest but laughed heartedly as James pulled him into the booth. They both
grinned at the camera for the first photo before Regulus turned and kissed James, running his
hands through his hair. The second flash went off and they both laughed. The third and forth
pictures were ignored as James got distracted by the look Regulus was levelling at him. He gazed
into Regulus’ sparkling eyes and kissed him again.

“I think I’m going to love you forever,” James said, brushing a hair away from Regulus’ face.
Regulus smiled sweetly up at him.

“I’ll love you longer,” he replied.

“Impossible.”

They waited as Lily, Mary and Marlene, and then Sirius and Remus all took advantage of the
opportunity for some pictures. And soon they had an impressive collection of black and white
strips to admire as they continued their walk along the Thames.

James noticed the sandbags that lined every building in the area. They were everywhere in London
but were particularly built up in the centre. James supposed there had been significantly more
resources poured into protecting the government buildings and expensive houses than into the
small, terraced lanes of East London.

There were other soldiers milling around among the crowds of people, a commonplace sight now,
and nobody gave James and Regulus a second glance in their uniforms. It was if they’d all agreed
to pretend that everything was perfectly normal for one sunny winter day. They eventually stopped
and sat on a patch of grass besides the river to eat the packed sandwiches they had made that
morning. Remus walked slightly away from the group and leaned against the river wall. James
made his way over to him and rested against the wall besides him. Remus was looking down into
the depths of the Thames as the water gently lapped against the brick wall.

“Alright Moony?” he asked.

“Alright,” Remus looked up as James joined him by his side.

James squinted into the sunshine for a moment before finally asking Remus what he had been
meaning to since he returned.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “And don’t say it’s nothing, I’ve known you since before you
could walk.” James said. Remus huffed a half-hearted laugh and continued staring down into the
brown murky water below.

“I’m so sorry James. I’m so fucking ashamed,” he said, it was the last thing James had expected to
hear and it utterly shocked him.

“What on earth are you ashamed of?” he asked. Remus turned to face him with an incredulous look
in his eye.

“I shouldn’t have inserted myself the way I did. I shouldn’t have let him call me that. He’s your son
James, I’m so fucking sorry.” James took a step back, he almost felt angry at Remus in that
moment, that he should ever think so low of him that he’d think he’d be mad about it. He ducked
his head to ensure Remus was looking into his eye and steadied him with a firm gaze.

“Don’t ever fucking say that again,” he said sternly. Remus looked a bit taken aback. “You
protected Lily when she was powerless. You gave them a home, and happiness, and you helped
raise that boy. You have nothing… and I mean nothing to be sorry for,” he took a breath to steady
his voice and continued in a calmer tone. “And of course he calls you papa, because that’s exactly
what you are. That won’t change, okay?”

Remus looked slightly stunned, his eyes glistened with tears as he took in James’ words. “But
he’s… he’s your son-”

“He doesn’t belong to a single one of us Moony. He’s a wonderful little boy who belongs entirely
to himself. And he’s yours as much as he is mine.”

Remus studied him for a moment, surprise and sadness in his features. He nodded after a moment
and looked away. James could see his eyes were glistening and he was trying not to cry. It was
becoming quite ridiculous, the amount they’d cried between them over the past two days, but
James needed Remus to understand this. Remus took a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. James
shifted so he was standing closer, looking out across the water.

“Thank you Moony. Thanks for… well just for being fucking you,” he said. Remus sniffed and
patted James on the pack a couple of times, still not making eye contact as he fought back the
brimming emotions. James decided to change the subject to something less fraught.

“How are things with Sirius? Certainly seems like you’re making up for lost time,” he said,
nudging Remus with an elbow. Remus huffed a laugh and blushed slightly, quite an unusual
expression on the usually stoic man.

“Yes, I guess we have.” A small frown crossed his face and he shifted slightly closer to James.
“It’s… it’s still a little strange though. After all this time, I’m worried we don’t really know each
other anymore.”

James frowned and darted a look back to Sirius who was sitting on the grass playing with Harry.
The sight was quite astonishing, his best friend returned from the dead playing with the child he
never knew existed. James could tell that Sirius was darting looks up to the pair of them. He also
saw the slight tension in his brow, and he recognised it for what it was. Sirius had always been
terrible at hiding his emotions, they played out directly across his face and James had become
fluent in every line and frown.

“You do know each other, Moony,” he said, turning back to Remus. “And you’re both frightened. I
don’t doubt it will take time for things to go back to normal. In fact, maybe they won’t ever return,
maybe there is no normal anymore.”

Remus huffed and rested his head against his arms. “That’s what I’m afraid of,” he said. James
bent down and rested his own head against his arms next to Remus.

“You shouldn’t be. You can’t return to the people you were before all this because you never
would have stayed those people anyway. Even if the world hadn’t fallen apart, you’d be different
men now than when you were nineteen. That’s the beauty of it, getting older. We can move
forward and carve new roads, become new people, alongside those we love. And he loves you so
much Remus.” Remus twisted his mouth and turned to look at James with wide, shockingly
vulnerable eyes. “He escaped a fucking prison, ran across countries, all to get back to you. When
he thought you’d gotten married, his first thought was of your happiness. You’ll find your way
back to each other, trust me Moony, the road from here is much smoother than the one you’ve
already walked.”

Remus smiled at James and clasped hold of his hand. He was fighting back tears and he swallowed
harshly. “When the fuck did you get so wise Prongs?” he chuckled through a raspy sob.

“I’ve always been wise,” James said, grinning at his friend. “People just can’t see past my good
looks to the brain that’s underneath.” That resulted in a hearty laugh from Remus whose shoulders
began to shake. James slapped him on the back and turned to the group. He wished it could always
be like this, that he and Regulus didn’t have to leave. He’d begun to feel the first shoots of fear
begin to rise, the countdown to the day they’d have to return to war was ticking loud. It wasn’t fair,
none of this was fair. James knew that that was just life, full of unexpected troubles and heavy
burdens. He also knew that privilege had been so heavily weighted in his favour for most of his
life. It occurred to him for the first time how frustrating that must have been for Remus, Lily, for
Mary and Marlene. They had to watch as others breezed through life without a thought or worry for
their future without earning a damn thing.

They returned to Marlene’s house later that afternoon and ate dinner together in the dusky evening
light. Marlene darted her eyes out towards the waning sunset and made her way to the kitchen
window as the others retired to the living room. James lingered in the kitchen and stood besides
her.

“Hey Marls,” he said.

“Hey,” she replied. He wrapped an arm around her and looked out across the small garden that led
from the back of her kitchen. She eased into his hold and rested a head against his shoulder. “I’ve
missed you,” she said.

“I’ve missed you too,” he replied. “I’m so proud of you, moving here on your own. Surviving all
this.” Marlene scoffed slightly.

“Like you can talk, after everything you’ve been through, this is nothing.”

“It’s everything,” he said.

Marlene murmured a reluctant acceptance and they stood there for a few moments, admiring the
red and orange tendrils of light that stood out against the dark silhouetted chimneys.

“Why did you never tell me you were gay?” she asked rather unexpectedly. James frowned and
took a moment to think about his answer.

“I… well I didn’t exactly know myself,” he responded. “And I’m not.” Marlene raised an eyebrow
at him, and James chuckled. “Not entirely, I like girls too. I thought Harry would be evidence
enough of that.” He poked Marlene in the side as she snorted.

“Evidence you don’t know what a johnny is,” Marlene scoffed. James paused and glowered at her,
which only furthered her laughter.

“As I was saying,” he continued. “It didn’t click for me until Regulus. It was always there, but I
just didn’t realise it was any different from what anyone else felt.”

“I can understand that” she said. “I thought maybe you didn’t want me to know. Lily told me. I
went back to Godric’s Hollow a couple of years ago for a visit and she told me about what
happened, that you were Harry’s dad. She mentioned your relationship with Regulus because she
assumed I already knew.”

James inhaled sharply and suddenly realised what her issue was.

“I’m sorry Marls,” he said. “It’s not that I wanted to keep it from you, I didn’t tell anyone… not
until I’d already left.”

Marlene sniffed and nodded. “That’s alright James.” She clenched her mouth and frowned, still
staring out of the window. James could tell she was struggling to say something and so he waited
for her to speak. “It was Miss Harris for me. I don’t know if you ever met her? She came to the
school that last year before I left.”

“Hmm?” James asked, confused about the change of topic. “No, I don’t think I did meet her. What
about her?”

Marlene finally turned to look at James, her eyes were wide and full of fear and James felt his heart
beat a little faster with worry. “Well… she was my Regulus,” she said after a moment. James
looked at her, slightly perplexed before her meaning finally clicked.

“Oh, Oh.” He was a bloody idiot, he realised now. That he never knew, he was ashamed that
Marlene had even the shred of nervousness to tell him. “Oh Marlene, that’s great,” he said. He
wasn’t sure what else to say, he would have thought it might have come easier to him after
everything he’d gone through himself. Instead, he wrapped both his arms around her tightly and
held her close. She buried her face into his chest and James could feel her relax in his arms. “So,
you’re like me then? You like girls too?” he said after a moment.

Marlene shook her head and released herself from James’ hold. She wiped an eye from which a
single tear had escaped. “No, not exactly like you. I… well I only like girls.”

James smiled at her, a hand on each of her shoulders and a penetrating gaze. “I always knew you
were a woman of good taste,” he said. Marlene barked a laugh at that and James threw his arm
around her once more. They returned to looking out the window when a thought occurred to him.

“Wait, if she was your Regulus does that mean… Oh my god Marlene did you shag a teacher?” he
asked, extremely scandalised.

“No!” Marlene said in alarm. “Jesus Potter what do you take me for?” She paused and thought
about it for a moment. “Although I would if I could have. She was gorgeous.” James couldn’t stop
it then, the laughter that poured out of him, Marlene followed shortly behind. Before long, Mary
and Lily made their way into the kitchen, eyebrows raised at the raucous noise.

“What’s the joke?” Mary asked.

“I’m a lesbian,” Marlene declared quite suddenly through her hysterical laughing. Mary and Lily
watched for a moment with confused smiles until Marlene turned to look at them. In unison they
both gasped in surprise. Lily raised her hand to her neck, clutching some invisible pearls. They
were truly terrible actresses. Marlene sighed.

“Remus told you?”

“What? No!” Lily said. She dropped her hand and smiled at Marlene, much softer now. “He didn’t
tell us, but we had an inkling.” Marlene sniffed and nodded, watching her friends with a nervous
glance. They both rushed at her and embraced her warmly.

“We love you Marls,” James could hear Mary saying in a low voice. He thought he better leave
them to their private moment when a thought occurred to him.

“You told Moony and not me?” he asked incredulously.

Marlene sighed again and turned to face him; her cheeks were now streaked with tears. “If it makes
you feel any better, I paid for my sins. He made me listen to a very detailed explanation on how he
had discovered the wonders of the prostrate with bloody William.” Marlene shivered theatrically at
the memory.

“Oh please, you loved it,” Remus said as he wandered into the kitchen. Apparently, the walls were
thin enough that everyone in the sitting room had heard Marlene’s declaration. Remus walked over
and joined Mary and Lily’s embrace. He was joined shortly after by Sirius who held Harry in his
arms. James wrapped his arms around them all, and they smothered Marlene in the centre of a tight
ring of arms and torsos. Regulus stood by the door, slightly stiff but with a warm smile on his face.
James jerked his head, beckoning him over. Regulus walked over and squirreled his way under
James’ arm, joining the group hug, and was quickly embraced by the others.

“Oh hello,” a voice interrupted their rather sentimental group hug and they all looked up to see
Dorcas standing awkwardly in the doorframe and blinking sleepily. “Nice to see you all again,” she
said. She must think they were an odd bunch, James thought.

“Hi Dorcas, sleep well?” Marlene said in a rather high-pitched voice.

Dorcas nodded and made her way into the kitchen to put the kettle onto the stove. “Yes thanks, got
the night off now. I never know what to do with myself during the evenings when I’m not
working.”

“Dorcas is on nights, so her schedule's all flipped around,” Marlene explained as she disentangled
herself from the group and took a seat at the table.

“So which one of you came back from the dead?” Dorcas asked, scanning the group.

“That would be me,” Sirius said with a brilliant grin. Dorcas chuckled and smiled at him.

“Welcome back,” she said. “Nice tattoos.” Sirius preened under the compliment and scanned his
arms which were on show in just his t shirt.

“Had to kill time in the clink somehow,” he said.

James jumped up on the counter and settled in to find out more about this new woman when a
harrowing screeching siren began howling. Everyone except Marlene and Dorcas jolted in shock
and looked around in alarm.

“Fuck, it’s been a while since we’ve had one of these,” Marlene said. Dorcas sighed and took the
kettle off the stove. “Alright, grab your coats, its going to be a long night.”

James jumped off the counter and sprinted to pick up his jacket, he raced around picking up
blankets, pillows, and for some reason the umbrella stand. He looked around himself wildly as the
screaming siren continued to blare. The others were also tearing around the house in a state of
panic, Lily thundered down the stairs with Harry in her arms and Remus followed shortly after with
an armful of blankets.

“Expecting rain?” Marlene said as she noticed James’ umbrella stand. He threw it to the ground as
coats and scarves began flying across the room around him.

“What’s the plan?” he asked.

“We’ve got an Anderson in the garden, come on.” Marlene beckoned. James thought that he should
have been a bit more prepared for this after so many years surrounded by shelling and bombs. The
sudden threat that descended upon his lazy peace had shaken him up and left him feeling extremely
useless. He looked around wildly and spotted Regulus carrying two pillows and he reached for
him, pulling him out into the garden behind Lily and Harry.

The group clambered down into the Anderson shelter and rapidly closed the door behind them. It
was tiny and stuffy and extremely dark. There was a lot of expletives and jolting as they all
clambered their way over each other to find space. The shelter had not been designed for eight
adults and a child clearly.
Marlene flicked on a small gas lamp which illuminated the small shelter in a soft orange glow as
they positioned themselves better. There were two wooden benches extending down the length of
each side. Mary and Lily tucked themselves into the corner with Harry on Lily’s lap. Dorcas and
Marlene then clambered in to sit on the bench opposite them. James found himself with a lapful of
Sirius and Regulus reluctantly took a seat on Remus’ legs.

James looked around himself, it was a small, corrugated tin contraption dug into the earth. It was
damp and cold and did nothing to dull the wailing sounds of the sirens outside. James could see
evidence of its use over the past few years, there were blankets and books scattered across the
benches and floor. There was a small gas stove in the corner with a couple of mugs, tea, and a tin
of biscuits.

“Better settle in, never know how long these things will last,” Marlene said. It was hardly going to
be the most comfortable night, James realised. The squeeze of all their bodies together made it
impossible for any of them to lie down. He glanced up at Remus and snickered at Regulus’
disgruntled expression as he twisted around on Remus’ legs to get comfortable.

“Want to swap?” he said to Remus who chuckled and nodded. James flung Sirius off himself with
a yelp from the other man and Remus did the same. Regulus stumbled across the shelter and
landed on top of James, who grinned up at him. Regulus’ unimpressed expression wavered only
slightly at he settled in against James’ chest. He took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around
Regulus and prepared for a long night.

Hours later they were all still sitting in the quiet, musty shelter. The nervous energy was palpable
and James could tell that everyone was worried about what was happening outside. They couldn’t
hear any explosions and so they could only hope that it had been a false alarm, or at least far
enough away that they weren’t at risk. Lily and Mary had dozed off and Harry was sleeping across
their legs. James’ muscles were getting tight, and he felt chilled despite the copious number of
blankets he had layered on top of himself and Regulus. Regulus had eased back against him and
was trying his best to sleep, but James could feel him fidgeting in his lap.

James sighed heavily and looked over to Remus and Sirius who had been speaking quietly to each
other in whispers so not to wake the others. James smiled at them, the nervous energy that
permeated their soft speech was obvious. But it was equally as obvious how desperately they both
wanted to help each other, to heal. Remus leant forward and kissed Sirius chastely and a contented
smile pulled at Sirius’ lips. He had turned in Remus’ lap and draped an arm around his shoulder so
he could better see his face. Sirius quickly returned the kiss, within a few moments their innocent
pecks had descended into some quite furious snogging.

“Oi,” James hissed at them. “Knock it off.” Sirius looked up at James and smirked.

“Sorry Prongs,” he said in a low voice. Marlene chuckled from besides him in the gloom. James
turned to share a smile with her when he spotted Dorcas staring at Sirius and Remus with a slightly
shocked countenance.

“How long have you been together?” she asked. Sirius looked up in surprise and then hesitated a
moment, glancing down at Remus.

“Five years,” he said after a moment. James noticed Remus smile at that.

“Wow,” Dorcas said. “You’re really lucky.”

Sirius responded with a thankful glance and settled in against Remus’ chest. “How about you?” he
asked.

“Me what?” Dorcas replied.

James darted his eyes between Sirius and Marlene. He was suddenly very aware of what was about
to happen and he tensed immediately. “How long have you and Marlene been going out?” Dorcas’
face paled and her mouth fell open slightly. Marlene sat up straight in her seat, abruptly alert.

“Oh… well no actually… we’re not…” Dorcas was stuttering now and Sirius seemed to
immediately realise his mistake. His face dropped and a horrified grimace took over.

“Oh fuck,” he said. “I mean… I didn’t mean to assume… Just joking,” he said weakly. The entire
shelter had become silent, and James noticed that both Mary and Lily’s eyes were open now. The
soft snores of Harry were the only sounds in the tense stillness. He desperately wanted to be
anywhere other than stuck in that tiny claustrophobic box.

Marlene sighed heavily after a moment. She turned to face Dorcas and spoke in a low voice. “I
suppose it’s about time I told you anyway. I’m… I’m gay,” she managed to stutter out. James was
in awe of her, she was clearly extremely nervous and had been unwittingly pushed into telling her
flatmate that information, but she did it with confidence.

“Oh…” Dorcas said, darting her eyes around the group. “Yes, I thought so. So am I.” Nobody
gasped louder than Mary who was watching with suspense. Dorcas glanced up at her, and then
around at the six strangers currently staring at her. “I thought you knew that,” she murmured in a
low voice to Marlene.

“No… no I didn’t” Marlene breathed.

“It’s okay, I know you don’t like me. We don’t need to make a whole thing of this,” Dorcas said.

“What do you mean I don’t like you?” Marlene asked.

Dorcas grimaced slightly and James looked around himself frantically for something else to look
at, a distraction from the awkward tension that was permeating the shelter.

“You made it perfectly apparent. After I was asking you out all the time and dropping hints, you
made it clear you had no interest.”

“I never did that!” Marlene said, her indignant voice rising now. “And what hints? I had no bloody
idea!”

“Really Marlene?” Dorcas replied, her own voice rising now too. “You met my mother. I organised
my days off to be on yours, I gave you a bloody bath when you had the flu!”

“Because you’re my best mate!” Marlene cried. Nobody was pretending to sleep now, even
Regulus had sat up and was watching proceedings with wide eyes.

“Well exactly, so I knew you didn’t like me that way. It’s fine, honestly it is. Can we please stop
talking about this?”

Marlene huffed and sat back with her arms crossed across her body. Dorcas twisted her mouth and
stared at the ceiling for a long while. Everyone else in the shelter meticulously avoided eye contact
with each other. James almost wished for the sirens to return, just to block out the tense quiet that
had descended on the group.
 “I don’t know what hints you were giving but they weren’t fucking obvious.” Marlene said after a
moment, clearly wanting the last word. Dorcas sighed dramatically. “Because as it happens, I’ve
been in love with you for years and you never gave me the faintest fucking clue.” Mary gasped
again and James’ eyebrows shot up.

Dorcas turned slowly to face Marlene who was now scowling at the opposite wall.

“What did you say?” Dorcas asked.

“You heard me.” Marlene replied petulantly.

“All this time and you never told me? When I was waiting for you to do something, to say
something?” Dorcas said. James didn’t understand how they were still having a row. From his
perspective it definitely seemed like they had just admitted to liking each other, but their tone and
body language seemed to convey quite the opposite.

“Well next time, why don’t you fucking do something instead of waiting around for me to decipher
your ridiculous clues.” Marlene huffed.

“Alright then,” Dorcas said simply. She turned Marlene’s chin towards her with her hand and
kissed her. Mary gasped for the third time and clutched a hand to her chest. Marlene was frozen in
place as Dorcas pulled away, a frightened smile on her face. Marlene seemed to be in a state of
shock and she was staring at Dorcas like she was seeing her for the first time. The seconds drew
out painstakingly and when James couldn’t stand the tension any longer he poked a finger into
Marlene’s back, pushing her forwards. She went willingly and wrapped her arms around Dorcas,
kissing her again. They both laughed through the kiss, not breaking apart for even a moment. It
appeared that they had entirely forgotten about the crowd around them, about the fact that they
were in a bomb shelter in the bottom of the garden. Marlene enveloped her arms around Dorcas’
neck and leaned further into the kiss, she climbed into Dorcas’ lap, and they began snogging quite
passionately.

“And as a matter of fact, I love you too.” Dorcas said when she had a moment to breathe. Marlene
laughed with her chest and continued kissing her. James spotted Dorcas’ hands trailing up
Marlene’s body and for the second time that evening he had to push the breaks on a rather too
amorous couple.

“Could you maybe wait until you have a room?” he said. Marlene looked up suddenly at James and
flushed. Both her and Dorcas darted their eyes around the small shelter, apparently suddenly aware
of their audience. They began laughing, which quickly became infectious and before long they
were all in hysterics. Harry wiped a sleepy eye with his fist and frowned at the noisy adults before
turning over and burying himself further into Lily’s skirts.

Chapter End Notes

Ended up finishing this chapter early!

 Chapter 39

Lily

Lily climbed out of the shelter as soon as the morning sirens went off, signalling the end of the
raid. She stepped onto the dewy grass and stretched her sore muscles. It had been an uncomfortable
night, crammed in to the small space with Harry on her lap. The sky was still dark but there was a
tinge of sunlight in the distance casting an orange glow throughout the atmosphere. She was
amazed that Marlene had been able to survive this for so long, night after night not knowing when
the next bomb would drop or what destruction they’d wake up to.

They ate breakfast in a sleepy stupor around Marlene’s kitchen table, each of them yawning
widely. Marlene left for her shift at the hospital shortly after that. She hugged them all goodbye
and promised to visit Godric’s Hollow soon. She clung on to James for a long time, her fingers
grew white with the pressure she held him. She hugged Regulus particularly firmly, not knowing
when she’d next see the pair.

“So, when are we heading back?” Lily asked the group.

“There’s a one o’clock train,” James replied. They all agreed on the time and Remus and Sirius
wandered off for a nap. Lily wondered if she should do the same as Regulus approached her.

“Will you come with me this morning? I have something I want to show you,” he said. Curious,
Lily agreed. She kissed Harry on the head and left him with James and Mary, promising to meet up
with them at the station later in the morning.

Regulus rushed Lily out of the door and they ran through the streets to the underground. She
followed Regulus as he darted through traffic and over piles of rubble.

“Where are we going?” Lily laughed as they dashed around a corner towards the station.

“You’ll see!” Regulus said brightly.

They sat on the train and Regulus had a smug smile on his face. Lily couldn’t be annoyed about it,
she loved the mischievous gleam in his eye that prompted her to act before thinking. They arrived
on Oxford Street and Regulus guided her through the heavy throngs of shoppers and down a side
street until they were faced with a very large ornate department store. It’s black panelling
emulating something from Tudor times and its rich displays showing opulent materials and
fashionable dresses.

“Oh my,” she breathed as she took in the large building in front of her.

“I told you, I know someone at Liberty,” Regulus said with a grin.

Lily was speechless, completely perplexed, and still had no earthly idea what they were doing
there.

“Regulus, what are you doing?” she asked. He smirked and shrugged before heading through the
large wooden doors.

“Follow me.”

They entered the large department store. Everywhere Lily looked the place was full of luxurious
fabrics, clothing, and jewellery. Every inch of the place was worth more than all her possessions
combined. Regulus guided her through the labyrinth of rooms until they found themselves on the
third floor tailoring department. He walked up with confidence and Lily noticed the immediate
interest of the staff. Even in his army uniform, they could sense the aristocratic air with which he
held himself. Undoubtedly it was to do with the confidence with which he walked around the
expensive shop; he was completely at ease in the rich environment. And it was becoming
increasingly clear just how out of place she was.

“Is Ruby around?” he asked one of the young women working on the floor as he approached. She
scanned them both and nodded.

“I’ll go get her,” she said hurriedly before scurrying away.

“Regulus, this isn’t funny. What are we doing?” Lily hissed at Regulus.

A tall, elegant woman in her forties with a stern face and an intimidating presence made her way
over to them. She smiled at Regulus as soon as she saw him and allowed him to kiss her on the
cheek.

“Regulus, darling how are you?” she said, her voice was clipped and dripping with wealth.

“Getting by,” Regulus said. “Sorry I’ve not been around. I’ve been off fighting a war,” he said with
a hint of humour. Ruby chuckled lowly and her eyes glanced to Lily who was standing awkwardly
behind Regulus. Regulus picked up on her diverted attention and turned to face Lily.

“I just wanted to introduce you to Lily Evans here. She’s the most talented seamstress and designer
I’ve ever met. She was supposed to take a course here in London.” Lily’s felt her face immediately
heat up and she wanted to smack Regulus around the head right there and then. Ruby studied her
carefully and Lily felt incredibly exposed. She twisted on her feet, thinking of something to say.

“Did you make that dress?” Ruby asked, appraising Lily’s long flowing cotton dress. She looked
down at it shyly and silently wished she had worn one of her better-made pieces.

“Yes, I make do with the material I can get. Mostly I’ve been making clothes for the refugees, so I
haven’t had time to do much for myself,” she said weakly. Ruby nodded and scanned her again.

“And you’re not doing your course?” she said.

Lily shook her head. “It was cancelled… well because of the war obviously,” she said. “And I have
a little boy now, so it’s bit unrealistic for the time being.” The older woman nodded again.

“Hmm…” she thought about something and darted a look to Regulus who was watching her
imploringly. “Come with me Lily, let me show you around.”

Lily followed dutifully, shooting Regulus an exasperated glance as they walked deeper into the
shop. Her mouth dropped open at the rich textiles surrounding her and fashionable outfits she’d
never seen anyone wearing before in her life. There were several dresses that only reached mid-
thigh on the mannequins, and there were many elaborate costumes, presumably for some lavish
party or performers in the West End.

“Can you tell me what stitch this is?” Ruby asked.

“Yes, that’s the catch stitch” Lily replied, answering the simple question with ease.

“And how would you improve this?” Ruby asked, indicating towards a flouncy skirt sitting on a
mannequin. Lily appraised it for a moment and then decided.

“I’d hem it slightly higher and have it sit further up on the waist.” Ruby considered the skirt a
moment and nodded.

“Could you send me some of your designs to review?” she asked. Lily hesitated, confused at the
question and frowned slightly.

“What for?”

“You’re wanting a job are you not?”

Lily nearly snorted. “A job? Here?” she exclaimed. “I… well I couldn’t. I have a son, and I live in
Wiltshire and…” she trailed off as she scanned the room. “And there’s a bloody war on!”

Ruby shifted her appraising look to a smile. “I’ll see how I like your work. But if I do like them,
there’s no reason why you can’t work on your designs from your home. You could come into
London a couple of times a month, most of our designers here don’t come in every day.”

Lily flushed and her stomach was tumbling. She wasn’t quite sure what was happening. “Um…
yes. Yes, okay I’ll send you my designs,” she said in a quick rush of breath.

Ruby smiled at her. “Very well. Nice to meet you, Lily.” She turned to Regulus and kissed him on
the cheek. “Regulus, always a pleasure,” she stalked away from them, leaving Lily standing
flabbergasted in the middle of the shop floor. Regulus bounded towards her and lifted her off her
feet. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek repeatedly.

“You’re ridiculous!” she exclaimed.

“And you’re brilliant,” he said with a wide grin.

They made their way out of the department store and towards Paddington Station to meet the
others. Regulus had an arm flung around her shoulder and a wide grin on his face. It was an
expression that Lily noticed she was particularly adept at pulling from him, and she felt a low
thrum of pride that she was able to bring out this more playful side to him.

“We have some time; shall we stop for some tea?” she asked as they passed a small café. He
nodded and they made their way in.

When they had settled in at a small table with a pot of tea and a couple of scones, she allowed
herself to exhale.

“I can’t believe you just did that for me Regulus. I need to get home and tidy up all my drawings,
they’re such a mess.” He beamed at her through a mouthful of crumbs. “Oh I’m so glad to see you
again,” she breathed, reaching across the table to clasp his hands in her own. His smile dropped
slightly and he hesitated for a moment.

“Even though I took your man?” he said with only an edge of humour.

“Oh please, he was never my man,” she laughed. “Just an evening of… well of recklessness. And I
can’t be sorry about it, it resulted in Harry.”

Regulus shook his head good naturedly. “Neither can I. He’s a wonderful boy. God, it’s been such
a long four years,” he said through a breath. Lily hummed in agreement, and they sat in silence a
moment, pondering the strangeness of having tea together after all that time. “So, tell me, who’s
this Yank I’ve been hearing about?” Regulus said, waggling his eyebrows at Lily. She sighed and
rolled her eyes at him.

“Who’s been talking?” she said.

“Everyone,” Regulus laughed. Lily couldn’t help but smirk at the mention of Evan and she felt
herself blush.

“He’s… well he’s a very nice man,” Lily said after a moment. Regulus scoffed at her and levelled
her with a disappointed look.

“Really Lily, that’s all you’re going to give me?”

“Okay fine, he’s great. He’s quiet and pretty shy, and his smile lights up his whole face and its
quite endearing. He made me feel nervous again, I actually had butterflies, it was quite alarming.”
Regulus smiled at that and leaned in closer to hear more. “And he has this voice, it’s like nothing
I’ve ever heard before, it’s like a song. He talks with such love about his family, and he
understands fashion, or at least he didn’t mind me rambling on about it.”

“And in bed?” Regulus asked. Lily snorted and slapped him lightly around the head. Regulus
shrugged and sat back in his seat.

“Perfectly competent, thanks very much,” she said. Regulus grimaced at her.

“Oh dear, that bad?” he said.

“No! Oh, it was fucking amazing alright, is that what you want to hear?” she said. “I literally didn’t
sleep the entire night and I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to tell the Potters that there’s a fucking
banshee on the grounds.”

Regulus was caught so off guard that he began choking on his scone and had to beat his chest
several times to prevent himself from suffocating. “Bloody hell,” he said through a laugh once he’d
managed to get a hold of himself. Lily chuckled with him before a sombre mood fell upon her.

“It doesn’t matter though. It’s over now. It was a nice evening and that’s that.” Regulus met her
eye with a sympathetic grimace.

“It might not have to be over?” he said. Lily shook her head.

“He’s American, Regulus. And… well once they’re deployed again, they’ll be off, and he won’t be
coming back. It’s not like I’m about to up sticks and move to New Orleans for a bloke I hardly
know.”

Regulus bit his lip as he considered this. “I suppose not,” he said. “But… well I’m glad you’re
having fun Lily. You deserve it.”

She grinned at him and nodded. “Thanks Reggie.” she said.

Lily and Regulus made their way from the tea shop to Paddington Station to meet the others for the
train back to Godric’s Hollow. They had organised to meet them by the bus stop a few roads away
and Lily was met by five happy faces bounding off the bus. James was clearly very excited to head
back home and see his parents and his energy was infectious. Sirius was practically vibrating with
anticipation of the prospect of returning home.
The group began walking towards the station along the close knitted roads and cobbled streets.
Lily allowed Harry to walk besides her holding her hand. They fell to the back of the group as his
wandering eye and short legs made for slow progress. Remus hung back and walked besides her.

“I can’t believe this is all real,” Lily said to him, watching James, Sirius, Mary, and Regulus up
ahead. Remus shook his head and laughed.

“It’s unbelievable,” he said. “I better get started on that extension to the cottage for when Sirius
moves in.” Lily paused, a thought suddenly occurring to her.

Truthfully, in all the excitement of the last few days she hadn’t really given their living situation
much mind. She had just assumed they would remain as they were, playing husband and wife. But
of course, that wasn’t going to be possible any longer. It wasn’t necessary anymore. She bit her lip
and thought about it for a moment as a sudden grief washed over her. She realised she didn’t want
to leave Remus, didn’t want to stop living with him. She definitely didn’t want to take Harry away
from him either. “Of course,” she said. “You don’t need to though. Me and Harry can find a place
in the village-” Remus’ head flung around to stare at her with such speed that she immediately
stopped speaking.

“Do you want to move out?” he said with alarm.

“No… it’s not that I want to,” she said. “But won’t we be crowding you? You’ve done enough for
us already.”

Remus shook his head, a slightly panicked expression falling across his face.

“No. Lily please don’t. I want you there, you and Harry. It your home now and it would feel so
empty without you,” he said. Lily was slightly taken aback by this. She didn’t know why this came
as such as surprise. They had lived alongside each other for so long and raised a child together after
all. Nonetheless, her heart warmed at his determined resolve to have her stay despite Sirius’
reappearance.

“If… if you’re sure?” she said nervously. “Only if you’re absolutely sure, then of course we’d
want to stay.”

Remus visibly exhaled with relief and nodded at her. “I’ve never been surer of anything,” he said.
Lily smiled up at him, so bloody grateful that she had him in her life. She would need to repay him
someday; she didn’t know how but it was imperative that she did. Harry was tugging her along by
his hand and they walked in a comfortable silence for a few moments.

She took a deep breath of the cool winter air and thought about the rest of the day. They would get
the train back to Godric’s Hollow, head to the manor to see Effie and Monty. Then she’d spend the
rest of the afternoon collecting her designs and tidying them up to send to Ruby. She hoped they
were good enough, it would be awfully embarrassing if she had been deluding herself for all this
time. She thought about Evan and the passionate night they had together, she hoped she’d see him
at least one more time before he got sent to France. Her introspection was interrupted by a distant
whistling noise. She looked around in confusion for the source. It was a strange, screeching sort of
noise. A high pitch-wail that was rapidly getting louder until it reached a howling scream. She
stopped in her tracks at the same moment Remus did. She saw the brief flicker of panic that
crossed his face and then the noise abruptly stopped.

‘If the whistling stops, that’s when you need to be worried... If the screaming stops, then you know
it’s right on top of you and there’s no way out.’
Without a second’s hesitation, Lily threw herself on top of Harry. She shielded his tiny body with
her own as the missile detonated and shattered the world around her.
 Chapter 40
Chapter Notes

CW: There is a major character death in this chapter

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Remus

When Remus was nine, he got into an almighty row with his father. It was during the lead up to
Christmas and Remus had been collecting every penny he could for months into a jar that sat
proudly on his bedside cabinet. Every morning he would wake up and admire the collection of
coins slowly building. He’d managed to save over two pounds in the end, and he was incredibly
proud of himself. He was finally going to be able to get James a Christmas present that year. Every
year without fail, the Potter’s generosity left him with piles of jumpers, books, and drawing
pencils. James too, would present him with some intricate and thoughtful gift and Remus would
feel incredibly ashamed that he couldn’t return the gesture.

He knew that they weren’t the worst off. The Potters gave his father a rather generous salary, but
Remus rarely saw much from it. It would be deposited at the local pub as soon as Lyall had picked
up the envelope. That year however, Remus was going to buy something spectacular for James. He
hadn’t decided what yet, it was awfully difficult to choose a present for someone who already had
everything.

He had returned from school on a chilly December morning, his pockets clanging with a couple of
coins he had received from Mrs Norris for collecting her paper on Sundays. He ran up to his room
and found his jar of coins missing. He became immediately frantic and searched his bedroom from
top to bottom, flinging clothes out from his dresser and crawling under his small bed. When there
was no sign of it, he sprinted down the stairs, calling for his dad who was already asleep on the
living room settee. He shouted in alarm, worried they’d been robbed, until he noticed the jar laying
sideways and empty on the floor.

“You took it!” Remus had screamed at his father who jolted awake from the noise. “You took my
money!”

“Fuck off son, I have a headache,” Lyall had responded lethargically. Remus’ face grew red, and
his chest heaved with anger from the unfairness of it all. He launched himself at his father, beating
his fists down on the larger man’s chest. He was crying so hard he could barely breath and he
knew his face was covered in snot and tears. Lyall grabbed hold of his son’s arms, he was so much
bigger and so much stronger he couldn’t tear himself out of his hold. He tried his best, kicking and
twisting even as he continued crying.

“Stop it,” Lyall said, levelling Remus with a furious gaze. Remus threw himself back and looked at
his father’s impassive posture. His chest was still heaving, and he didn’t know his small body
could contain so much rage. He sprinted to the door and slammed it behind him with as much
power as he could. He stomped through the fields feeling furious and hurt, and incredibly sorry for
himself. He walked for hours, winding his way through the fields and country he knew so well
already at only nine years old. He could have gone to James, only a short distance away at the
manor, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to see his kind face and loving parents and large
house. He didn’t want to explain how his father had taken the pathetic pittance he had saved and
drunk it up.

He eventually came upon a small, abandoned stone stable. It was missing two of its walls and most
of the roof. It was on a small patch of land that wasn’t owned by anyone in particular and so the
grass around it was long and overgrown, thistles and vines thread their way through the stones in
the wall. He climbed through the overgrown brush and clambered over the broken wall,
determined to sit inside and stew for a few hours. He stopped in his tracks when he realised he
wasn’t alone. Lily Evans was sitting inside. She had her knees pulled up to her chin and was
reading a book. He froze and darted a look around himself, wondering if he could get away with
backing away slowly when she looked up and jolted in shock.

“Oh Remus! You gave me a fright,” she said.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were here,” he replied.

“That’s okay,” she said. She was looking at him with a soft, expectant smile and Remus wasn’t
sure what he was supposed to do. He was terrible at talking to girls, he never knew what to say to
them. He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck and stood still in the entryway for a few
moments before she spoke again.

“Do you want to come in?”

He shrugged and made his way into the decrepit old building and took a seat on the dusty ground
opposite her.

“Why are you here?” he asked. Lily shrugged and looked down at her hands, twisting in her grasp.
She looked like she wasn’t going to say anything further and Remus was pleased about it. He
looked down at his shoes and began fiddling with the laces when he heard a sniff from the other
side of the stable. Remus looked up in alarm as he realised that Lily was crying. He shifted
awkwardly on the floor and cursed himself for not running away from the place when he had the
chance.

“Are you okay?” he asked weakly, praying for her not to answer. She sniffed again and looked up
at him with huge watery eyes. She nodded sadly before breaking down into heaving sobs. Oh
bloody hell, he thought, what are you supposed to do with a crying girl? He stood up and sat next
to her and patted her on the back awkwardly. She flopped into him and flung her arms around his
neck, her small body shaking with tears.

“It’s my sister, she’s so mean all the time. She’s calls me names and says I’m ugly and my mum
doesn't ever tell her off for it.” Remus frowned and continued patting her as if he was stroking one
of the barn cats. “I made a skirt and she tore it up because she was jealous.” Lily’s sobs were
coming out in heaving gasps now.

“Your sister is a nasty cow,” Remus said. Lily gasped slightly and looked up at him. He’d
apparently managed to shock her out of her crying which he counted as a win. He shrugged at her.
“What? She is.” he said. Lily’s red face was splotchy and wet with tears and Remus was worried
she was going to start crying again. After a tense moment, her face broke into a hysterical smile,
and she began laughing uncontrollably. She flopped onto the ground, clutching her stomach.
Remus couldn’t help the grin that it teased out, it was quite infectious. He began chuckling and
before long they were both crying with laughter.

When Lily had finally caught her breath and settled down somewhat, she sat back against the wall
besides Remus. “What are you doing out here?” she asked. Remus pursed his mouth and shrugged.
He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to admit how lonely he was, how pathetic he had
been collecting his coins for a present for his best friend. But Lily was looking at him with those
wide green eyes and he sighed.

“I lost my money. I was going to buy James a Christmas present and its gone,” he said. Lily raised
her eyebrows slightly in surprise.

“What were you going to get him?” she asked. Remus shrugged again.

“Dunno, hadn’t decided,” he said.

“You should get him a hat like yours,” she said, reaching up to take Remus’ flat cap of his head.
“Then you could be matching.”

Remus frowned at his rather shabby old hat, he couldn’t quite imagine the refined and well-dressed
James wearing one like it. But he also found himself quite liking the idea. He knew James didn’t
have one, and it would be like giving him a part of himself.

“Don’t matter anyway,” he grumbled after a moment. “Haven’t got the money.”

“That’s alright,” Lily said. “We’ll make one.” Remus looked up at her in surprise. Lily grinned at
him and jumped up suddenly. She reached for his hand and pulled him up beside her. “Come on
then,” she said.

Remus was confused but didn’t ask questions as Lily pulled him behind her and began running
through the fields towards the village. The two children sprinted across the fields, over stone walls
and across a small stream. Remus was quite out of breath by the time they reached the village, and
his leg was burning intensely. Lily dragged him towards the tailors, and he stood awkwardly in the
doorway as she pushed her way through to the back. Lily’s mother was standing by the till chatting
to a customer and assessing him with a raised eyebrow. He clenched his mouth shut and twisted
anxiously, he always felt particularly insecure around grownups. Lily soon pummelled past her
mother with an armful of cloth and then dragged Remus up to her bedroom in the flat above. They
spent the afternoon cutting and sewing a dark grey flat cap for James. Really it was Lily who did
most of the work, but Remus did his very best to follow her instructions carefully as she told him
how to cut the fabric and lay it out properly. By the end of the afternoon he found himself giggling
and chatting away with Lily, his hands sticky with glue. He'd presented the hat to James a couple
of weeks later and his face had lit up with joy.

“I’m going to be just like you!” he said with an excited grin. James pulled the hat on and ran to his
mother who clapped with delight. Remus puffed up his chest and felt very pleased with himself that
Christmas.

Remus blinked his eyes open slowly, he was disoriented and confused as to where he was. His
throat was dry and raspy and the air around him was thick with white dust. There were sirens
blaring, people screaming, and the distant sound of a child crying. He sat up, wincing with the
effort as his ribs stung with a burning pain. His head was ringing and there was a sharp hot ache
darting across it. He blinked a few times and tried to make sense of where he was. Smoke engulfed
the small, terraced road they had been walking down. The building next to them had completely
disappeared, reduced to a pile of smoke and rubble. The houses either side were on fire, billowing
with dark black smoke.

“Harry!” Remus choked on his own breath as he realised what had happened. He scrabbled around,
looking desperately for a sign of Lily and Harry. As the dust cleared slightly, he spotted Lily lying
face down on the cobbled ground a few metres away from him. He scrambled over to them on his
knees, ignoring the pain in his ribs and hip and his increasingly laboured breaths. “Lily! Lily are
you alright?” he cried. He grabbed hold of her shoulder and pulled her over onto her back. Her
body moved with a horrifying weight and Remus felt a rasping scream pulled from him as her wide
open, glassy eyes stared back at him. Her red hair fanned around her face, a blazing fire among the
dust. He screamed from his chest, a guttural roar that echoed through the chaos surrounding them.

He heard a small cry and Harry pulled himself up from below Lily. He was covered in dirt and was
crying so hard he was no longer making any noise. He had a deep cut on his head, bright red blood
streaked down the small child’s face. Remus grabbed hold of him and pressed him against his
chest. Keeping his face away from the sight of his mother laying in the road.

“Help me” he said. “HELP ME, I NEED HELP!” he screamed, and his voice came out as a harsh,
devastating croak. He kept screaming, shouting for someone, anyone to come and save him from
what he already knew to be the truth. Harry was still crying in his hold, clinging on to him through
Remus’ cries. He was calling for his mama, and Remus could do nothing but scream.

Several figures emerged from the dusty fog, Sirius, James, Mary and Regulus stumbled towards
them, panic evident on their faces. James’ eyes darted across the scene for only a moment before
he seemed to understand what had happened. He sprinted towards Lily and dropped down besides
her. He raised a finger to her neck to check for a pulse and put a hand over her mouth for sign of a
breath. A dark shadow crossed his features as he immediately began pressing down on her chest.
One, two, three beats, and he waited. He pinned her nose closed and breathed into her mouth,
waiting for Lily’s next breath. He continued his compressions as Mary collapsed to the ground
with a chilling wail. Regulus staggered back, his face white and stunned.

“Lily don’t be silly. Come on, you’re alright. You’re alright Lily, please wake up,” James was
muttering as he continued his compressions. Remus watched in a state of shock, he had Harry
pressed close to him and rocked back and forth on the ground, mumbling incoherently into Harry’s
ear. Sirius, who had been watching with horror staggered over to James and knelt down beside him
as James’ desperation continued, tears streamed down both their faces. Sirius pressed a shaky hand
against James’ shoulder. “Fuck off Sirius!” James exclaimed, throwing Sirius’ arm away from him.
“She’s fine. She’s going to be okay,” he said through a sob. Sirius clenched his trembling jaw
closed and gently pulled James’s hands away from her chest. James fell back, his chest heaving
and looked up at Remus with tragically frightened eyes. Remus couldn’t breathe, his stomach
churned, and he thought he might be sick. James collapsed onto his back and roared into the sky, a
deep pained howl that echoed through the streets of London.

Remus felt like he was falling for days after the bomb, he was plummeting, and he had no where to
land. Even when Sirius would curl up behind him in bed and wrap his arms tight around his chest,
he still couldn’t breathe. On the day of the funeral, Sirius coaxed him out of his bed and brought
him into the manor’s bathroom. He still hadn’t managed to return to the cottage, he couldn’t face
seeing her things waiting for her to return. Sirius stripped him carefully and lowered him into the
bathtub. He undressed himself and climbed in behind Remus, easing Remus’ body against his own.
Sirius stroked Remus’ hair and held him tight in his arms, murmuring softly into his ear as the
water lapped around their bodies.

“I can’t do it,” Remus said eventually. His voice echoed around the small bathroom, and he felt
Sirius’ movements still behind him.

“I know,” he said in choked whisper. “But you need to. You need to for Harry.” Remus clenched
his eyes shut and tried to stop himself from sobbing. It was too painful, it was all too excruciating
and he didn’t know how much more grief he could withstand.

“He has James,” Remus finally said.

“He needs his papa,” was all Sirius replied.

They had the funeral on the Saturday. James and Regulus had been granted a few days additional
leave. Remus stood in the churchyard entirely numb to the world around him. The gloomy day
above made the entire world seemed devoid of colour. He held Harry in his arms, watching as the
casket descended into the ground. Harry still didn’t understand what was happening, he cried for
his mother every night and there wasn’t a thing Remus could do to help him.

The funeral was packed with people, dressed in black and carrying stoic expressions. There had
been so much of this, so many men who hadn’t returned, relatives in the cities who had death
handed to them from above. They approached Remus with sympathetic grimaces and spoke of
Lily’s loveliness, of her kindness and warmth. Remus wanted to be sick, wanted to scream at them
that none of them really knew her. They didn’t understand that it should have been him who had
died, not her. He saw Lily’s parents and her sister standing by the grave. They didn’t approach him
and they were right not to, Remus didn’t know what he’d end up doing if they tried to speak to him.

Marlene and Dorcas were also there, sitting on a bench away from the crowd with their heads
ducked together. Regulus had barely spoken a word since it happened. He wrapped his arms around
himself and crouched besides the grave, staring down at the dark wooden coffin as people milled
around behind him. Sirius was beside Remus’ side through it all. He didn’t try to make things
right, he never spoke of how things would get better or how much she would be missed. Sirius
understood that Remus couldn’t hear those words of consolation, but he also knew he needed him
close.

Eventually James came to stand beside Remus, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. He
didn’t say anything, there wasn’t anything that could be said that would make any of this okay. He
took Harry into his arms when he got too heavy for Remus and made small talk with the mourners
who approached when Remus couldn’t choke out a single word. Evan approached them slowly, a
face full of pain and regret. He shook Remus’ hand and stepped back and frowned.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. Remus spotted Jack standing further away speaking to Mary, he had a
comforting hand placed on her back as she cried quietly into a handkerchief. Remus clenched his
mouth and shook his head, unable to speak. “Evan Rosier,” he introduced himself to James with
another handshake. A flicker of recognition crossed James’ face at the name, and he grimaced
slightly.

“I heard about you two,” James said softly. “I’m sorry.”

Sorry, people kept repeating that word as if it meant anything anymore. What were they sorry for?
Were they sorry for the war? Sorry that it hadn’t been them in Lily’s place? Or just sorry that they
had to witness the devastation left behind when a burning flame is snubbed out too soon.

Evan shook his head and ran a hand over his face. “I didn’t really know her,” he said. “But she
was… she was something else.”

“She didn’t get the chance,” Remus finally spoke. Both James and Evan turned to look at him.
“She didn’t get the chance to really know you. She didn’t get the chance to follow her dreams, she
didn’t get the chance to do a fucking thing for herself,” his words were pained and bitter and both
men frowned.
James nodded, tears were streaming down his face, and he did nothing to stop them. He squeezed
his hand against Remus’ shoulder and looked across the grey landscape.

“You’re heading to France too?” James asked Evan after a moment. Evan nodded and darted a look
back to Jack.

“Looks that way. Word is Calais but I guess we won’t know until it happens,” he said.

“Us too. They’re not giving specifics,” James replied. Evan gave James a tight smile and glanced a
look up at Remus.

“It was good to meet you Remus,” he said earnestly, shaking his hand again. He turned to shake
James’ hand another time and held on to his shoulder. “I guess I’ll be seeing you on D-Day,
whenever that is.”

Evan turned and walked away from them, making his way back to Jack. The crowd had begun
thinning and there weren’t many people left, most of them had already retreated back to the manor
for the wake. Remus didn’t understand it, how they could all continue chatting and living, how the
world could continue spinning without Lily in it. He reached a shaky hand up to his heart and
ripped the pocket of his shirt, leaving a long tear down the black cotton fabric.

Later, Remus approached the large manor for the wake. Its windows were lit up against the
gloomy day and there was a low buzz of conversation filtering across the grounds, he knew he
couldn’t face it. Instead, he peeled off the path and walked across the wide lawn of the manor until
he had almost reached the treeline.

He sat on a stone wall staring across the frosty fields and smoked. After a while, he spotted James
walking towards him from the manor, his shoulders were slumped and his head was bowed. When
he reached Remus, he sat beside him and took out his own cigarette. They remained in silence for a
long while, watching people milling about the manor from afar.

“I can’t do this alone,” James said. “Harry needs you Moony. And I’ll be gone in a few days. Until
I return, he’ll only have you.” Remus sniffed and blinked up into the grey sky. “You’ve got to find
the strength to carry on, you need to. For him.” Remus huffed, but he knew it was true. Harry
didn’t understand what was happening, he couldn’t understand.

Remus looked up at James whose face was so full of the grief Remus was feeling, he couldn’t stop
the sobs that began choking out of him. For the first time in days, he allowed himself to cry. James
clung to him, wrapping him tight in his embrace and allowed Remus to weep into his shoulder.
Remus could tell James was crying too from the way his body was shaking.

When the last of the mourners had left, Remus returned to the manor. He made his way up to the
second floor and stood outside the bedroom he knew Harry was asleep in. He paused and inhaled
deeply, attempting to quell his devastated heart and trembling hand. He opened the door slowly and
was met by Harry’s wide, scared eyes peering back at him.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Remus asked in a soft voice. Harry shook his head. Remus climbed into the bed
with him and buried them both under the covers. He wrapped his arms around Harry and pressed
his face into the child’s hair. “How about tomorrow I take you down to see the ducks again?”
Remus asked.

Harry nodded in his arms and sniffled slightly. “Will Mama come with us?” he asked. Remus’
heart cracked and he squeezed his eyes shut to stop himself from weeping.
 “No Bambi, I told you. Mama… she’s gone away, and she can’t come back. But she loves you so
so much okay? I’m going to look after you, and so will your daddy and your Uncle Sirius and
Regulus. Your Aunties Mary and Marlene, Granny and Grandpa. We’re all going to keep you
safe.”

Harry’s face scrunched up as he considered this, he looked up at Remus from the sea of blankets he
was encased in. He nodded and buried himself against Remus’ chest. The wound on his head had
begun to heal but he still had a rather nasty scar bolting across his forehead. Remus touched it
gently and brushed his wild hair back with a shaking hand.

“Okay. Maybe she can come the next day,” Harry said.

Remus clung to Harry tighter and took a deep breath, he didn’t know it was possible to feel that
much pain. “Petro Tronum Harry, do you remember?”

“Yes, I remember,” Harry said before closing his eyes and drifting to sleep.

“Pecto Tronum,” Remus repeated under his breath as he closed his eyes and wished more than
anything that the stupid spell was real.

Chapter End Notes

I'm sorry :(. I know this seems awfully cruel but I do have some reasoning that will
hopefully become clear by the end of the fic!
 Chapter 41

James

James sat on the terrace watching the sun wane in the sky the evening following the funeral. He
wasn’t doing anything, just staring blankly out across the wide lawn. He pointedly avoided looking
at the swimming lake. He felt entirely paralysed, unsure of which direction he was supposed to
move. Was it towards the drawing room, in which his parents were playing with his son? The two
people who knew him best in the world and the little boy to whom he was still a stranger. Or
should he walk down to the hideaway in which he knew Remus and Sirius were hiding? Away
from visitors and noise, attempting to find their way home to each other. Should he run to the
station to catch Marlene before she boarded the last train back to London with Dorcas, weep into
her shoulder and ask her for help? Or should he go upstairs to Regulus, who had barely spoken a
word in the past five days and he had no idea how to help.

He felt himself pulled in all those directions, and he had the overwhelming need to do something,
anything, to fix the devastation. It was his job, it had always been his job, to find the positive and
to pick up the pieces. But once again he found himself entirely powerless do anything to help.

In the end it was Mary who made his decision for him, she walked across the lawn from the
direction of the village in the dusky light and took a seat next to him. They were quiet for a long
time before she spoke.

“I thought I’d come by and check on everyone,” she said. James sighed and stared at his hands, he
had been picking at his nails and his thumb had begun to bleed.

“You didn’t need to do that,” he said.

Mary shrugged and blinked into the distance. “I need to… I need to figure out why.” James looked
up at her questioningly before she continued. “I need to understand why this happened, why her. Of
all of us, any of us, why was it her who had to go?”

Mary had begun crying, or she continued crying, it was hard to tell when the tears were so
consistent.

“I don’t know, Mary,” he said, defeated. “I can’t think of one godforsaken reason why.”

Mary sniffed and rubbed her nose with her sleeve. They sat there for a while longer, finding peace
in their own silent misery.

“You know, I’ve been thinking. About life, about how short it is,” Mary said after a long while.
“About the way I’ve been searching for something more than myself.”

She paused and drew her legs up on the chair, wrapping her arms around her knees as she thought
about what she was going to say. “Through all of this, the whole war, I never feared for anything.
Even when Sirius died… well when we thought he did… I was devastated but I carried on for
Remus’ sake. When I spent every night worrying about what would happen to Marlene and to
you… I dealt with it, buried the fear, and continued the work. But this… I can’t handle this, James.
It’s too much.”

James nodded, his throat was sore and leaned down to rest his arms on his knees. He had run out of
words to say, there was no consolation to be had for such an unspeakable tragedy.
“I think I’ve realised, much too late, that it was because of her,” Mary continued. “We’re always so
fixated with finding romantic love and what I hadn’t realised is that love doesn’t have to be
romantic to be powerful. We were little girls together. Through everything we always had each
other. When I picture my future, sure there is some faceless man and maybe some children, but she
was always there by my side. And now I know that she was it, my great love story. She was my
soulmate.” Mary turned to look at James. She was searching his face for something, for rescue or
relief that he couldn’t give to her. “How am I supposed to grow old without her?” she said through
a sob. She was genuinely asking him. It hadn’t occurred to her that she would ever have to.

In lieu of anything remotely comforting to say, James just wrapped her in a tight hug and let Mary
sob into his shoulder until she ran out of breath. They clung to each other on the terrace as the last
glow of sunlight dipped ebbed away. Eventually she pulled back and wiped her face with her hands
she sniffed slightly and took a deep breath, composing herself in the way that Mary always had.

“I’m worried for you, Jack told me that you’re heading for France,” she said after a moment. James
nodded and tensed slightly at the reminder of what was to come.

“Seems that way,” he replied. “What’s he like? Jack?”

Mary seemed slightly surprised at this question but James recognised a softness descend on her
features as she thought of the American.

“He’s nice,” she said. “He’s kind and funny, and we have a lot in common. He… he asked me if
I’d consider going back with him, to the States, after all this.”

James gasped at this and immediately felt a rise of panic at the thought of Mary being whisked off
away from them. He tried to quell the fear that she would be abandoning them and took a moment
before answering.

“Do you want to?” he asked. Mary shrugged and twisted her mouth as she thought about it.

“Maybe. I’d never thought about leaving before. I love it here. I always thought I’d take over my
dad’s garage, expand it,” she said. She paused for a moment and darted a look up to James. “I
know what you’re going to say James, that I need to follow love. That I need to allow romance and
impulsivity into my life,” she chuckled slightly.

James thought about that for a moment before laughing himself. He supposed she wasn’t wrong
for assuming that’s what he’d say. He had always been inclined to act on his romantic impulses.

“Actually no,” he said. Mary looked up at him in surprise. “Fuck that. Mary you’re too smart and
too ambitious to compromise. You’re too bloody good to put your life on hold for anyone else, no
matter who they are. If you want to be an engineer, if you want to take over the garage. Do that. If
he’s worth it, he’ll come to you.”

Mary’s mouth had opened in surprise and she searched his face for a long time. She swallowed as
she took in his words and smiled at him.

“She would have done so much,” she finally said.

Mary left shortly after that, leaving James alone on the terrace. He finally peeled himself up and
walked into the drawing room and found his dad sitting alone. “Harry in bed?” he asked. Monty
looked up and nodded.

“Yes, Effie’s putting him down now.”

“The house must feel quiet now that all the evacuee kids have gone home,” James said, taking a
seat by his father. Monty wrapped an arm around James and pulled him in close. James allowed
himself to flop into his dad’s embrace.

“It is, too quiet.”

James allowed himself to curl into his father in the same way he did as a young boy. Monty began
absentmindedly brushing his fingers through James’ hair.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing dad,” James admitted after a long moment. “I’m his
father and I don’t even know him. And now I’m leaving him again.”

Monty’s gentle petting stopped and James looked up to see a shadow of concentration cross his
father’s face. He eventually looked down at James and met his eye.

“There comes a point in every parent’s life when you realise you’re a stranger to your child. You
go from being just their daddy to an actual person in their mind. It takes a lot for a child to
understand the difference, that their parents are people the same as them. And it’s a relationship the
same as any other, it requires the building of trust.” James peered up at his dad as he smiled down
at him. “But the trust will come, he already adores you. You have the rest of your lives to get to
know each other. You’re going to be a wonderful father James, and one day you’ll look back and
forget that you ever had a late start.”

“How are we supposed to do it without her?” James asked.

“We’ll manage.” Monty said. “What happened… what happened with Lily. Well that’s something
we’re going to have to understand is irreparably broken. A wound that will never heal, and it
shouldn’t. But if we keep her memory alive, if we make sure he knows exactly who she was, not
just as his mother but as a person, then we’ll manage.”

James broke his eyes away from his dad and looked down at his hands, worried that he was about
to start crying yet again.

“That’s one thing I regret about you boys. About Remus. We never spoke about Hope enough. She
was such a wonderful woman, headstrong and outspoken. She didn’t suffer fools and got on quite a
lot of people’s nerves at times.” James snorted at that, and Monty shrugged. “It’s true, it’s
important we remember who people actually were. You probably don’t remember when Remus
was sick. You were both not much older than two years old and we didn’t think he was going to
make it. It was the saddest thing I ever saw, his tiny weak body lying in that bed suffering each
day. She stayed by his side through it all and wouldn’t hear it when we were all convinced it was
hopeless. She made sure we all knew what fools we were once he recovered.

“She loved Remus so much and she would have done anything for him. She loved Lyall too. When
we came back…” Monty paused and swallowed harshly. “When we came back from the war, your
mother helped me come back to myself. Hope did much the same for Lyall, she was tender with
him but didn’t allow him to stay in his melancholy for too long. Losing her snapped something in
him and it was like he regressed. I think without her, he didn’t allow himself to heal. Because the
very act of healing reminded him of her. That’s why we need to speak of Lily. Never whisper her
name or talk about her in only sadness. We’ll speak of her how she was, kind and generous. Fiery,
impulsive and ambitious.”

“How did you do it dad?” James asked.

“Do what?”
“Get through it. The war, everything you had to do and everything you saw. How did you do it and
come home and raise me without falling apart?”

Monty thought about this for a moment. James thought that he might not answer the question, he
always hated talking about those times.

“Truthfully James, it took a long time. You were only young, so you probably didn’t see the worst
of it. But for a long time every day was a struggle to even get out of bed. Your mother helped me,
so did you. I got through it by not getting through it.”

James frowned, confused at this answer.

“I live with it still, every day. It’s still difficult for me to get up some days. Sometimes I’ll go for
walks around the ground for hours when I can’t sleep. I can still see all their faces. You find a way
to continue, to live the life you’re actually living, to not live within those haunted memories.”

“I was worried that you were ashamed of me. Angry that I didn’t object. You always told me that
there was no glory in war, no pride to be found in violence.”

James manage to choke out what he now realised he had wanted to ask his father since the war
began. He shifted nervously as Monty considered this for a long moment.

“Yes, I did teach you that. And I haven’t changed my mind. But maybe I’d adjust that sentiment
slightly. There’s no glory in warfare, but you should feel an immense amount of pride at putting
yourself between bullies and those who can’t protect themselves. Putting yourself in the line of fire
to stop hatred, fascism. That’s where the pride lies, not in the violence.”

James nodded and thought about it. It made sense, and he was going to take his father’s words to
heart. He was going to live the life he was actually living. James sat up and faced his father, he
took a deep breath.

“I’m in love with Regulus,” he said, all in one breath.

Monty’s eyebrows shot up slightly at the admission before his face softened into an understanding
smile. He raised a hand to stroke the side of James’ face and considered him for a long moment.

“I know,” he said. James gasped, that had been the last thing he’d expected to hear from his dad.
“I’ve known you your entire life, do you think I couldn’t tell when you’re in love? You wear it on
your sleeve and you should be very proud of that.”

James felt his eyes watering and hugged his father, burying his face into his chest like he did when
he was young.

“Besides, I’m surprised you didn’t think we’d figure it out. It’s not like you gave much thought to
the volume of your exploits while you were both living here.”

James jolted back in shock, his face draining of colour as he stared at his father in horror. Monty
simply chuckled at the devastated look on James’ face.

“Oh to be young and discovering another person for the first time,” he chuckled. James groaned
and covered his face with his hands. Monty laughed but leaned forwards, he removed James’ hands
from his face and kissed him on the cheek. “I love you son, and I’m so proud of you. Everything
else that’s happening, what you’ve been through and what you’re going to go through, we’ll do it
together.”
James said goodnight to his father and walked up the large curving staircase to the second floor. He
stopped outside Harry’s room and hesitated. He still felt like an outsider, that it wasn’t his job to
look in and check on him. But he was leaving tomorrow, and he knew he needed to. He opened the
door and peered into the dark room. Harry was asleep, curled up around a teddy bear almost the
same size as him. He crept in quietly and took a seat next to his son on the bed. Harry snuffled
slightly but didn’t wake. James brushed his hair back from his face, it was just as wild and
untameable as his own. He looked so much like him, it was uncanny. Everything but his eyes. His
eyes were so distinctly Lily, it was quite shocking. But it wasn’t just that, Lily was present in
Harry’s entire personality, the young boy’s curiosity and kindness, even his laugh was so distinctly
her’s. He leaned down and kissed Harry before quietly making his way out of the room.

James’ final stop was Regulus’ bedroom. He would leave Sirius and Remus to mend their wounds
together. He entered quietly, expecting him to already be asleep. But Regulus was sitting by the
window, staring out into the dark night. James hesitated by the door, unsure of how he could help
him. Regulus had retreated into himself and had barely been able to speak for days.

“We’re leaving tomorrow,” he said weakly.

Regulus looked up at him with wide, sorrowful eyes and nodded.

James was tired of talking, he understood why Regulus couldn’t. Instead, he walked over to
Regulus and stretched out a hand towards him. Regulus took it willingly and allowed himself to be
pulled up and led across the bedroom. They climbed under the covers and James wrapped himself
around the other man. Regulus began crying, it was silent and he buried his face into the duvet to
prevent James from seeing his tears. James leaned forward and kissed him gently. Regulus sniffed
but responded to the kiss. They remained like that, wrapped in each other’s embrace for a long
time, languidly kissing and holding each other until they both fell asleep.

The next day, James found himself on the platform of Godric’s Hollow station once again being
taken away from his family and his home. This time their faces were etched with the deepest levels
of grief. James crouched down next to Harry who was peering up at him from behind Remus’ leg.
He sat on the ground of the station platform and looked at his son, so familiar and yet such a
stranger all at once. James tried not to look at the sharp scar that had been left on the little boy’s
head; it reminded him of what the child must have seen less than a week previously. He didn’t
seem to understand it, but James knew it must be there, deep down. He knew that in some part of
the boy’s mind he could remember his mother’s lifeless body pinning him down, protecting him,
saving his life.

“Harry, I have to go now,” he said.

Harry looked at him and then up at Remus. He walked forwards towards James and climbed into
his lap as he had on the first day he met him.

“Are you going to go to mama?” he asked. James closed his eyes at the shock of the question. Once
he’d taken a deep breath and quelled the sudden rise of pain, he glanced a look up at Remus who
had turned away from them, his face in his hand to prevent Harry from seeing his tears.

“No, Harry. I’ll be back soon, I promise,” James said. “You’ll be good for your Papa, won’t you?”

Harry nodded, biting his thumb. James hugged him tightly, he tried to commit it to memory, the
feel of his small arms wrapping around him. “I love you, Harry,” he said. Harry giggled at that but
tightened his hold around James’ neck.
Later as he sat on the train, watching the figures of his family disappear once again, he thought of
the first time he did this. Regulus had been sat opposite him, as he was now. He already knew, all
that time ago, that he loved him. He remembered how he had he thought Regulus didn’t love him
back. But now, as he watched Sirius and Remus with their arms around each other, his mother
holding his son her arms, his father no longer averting his eyes away from his son heading to war,
the knowledge that Regulus did love him felt like a lifeboat. There was an elastic band wrapped
around his heart and the tension grew tighter as the train pulled away. Once the platform had
finally disappeared into the distance, James sat heavily back against the seat and looked across the
carriage at Regulus who had been staring out of the window with equal focus. They stared into
each other’s eyes for a long time trying to come to terms what they had just been through.

They arrived at the training camp in Norfolk hours later and promptly found their way to their
barracks. It quickly became evident that an amphibious attack was indeed what was being planned.
Regulus and James were thrown into training almost immediately. They spent days and then
weeks climbing over sand dunes, crawling along the beach and scaling rocky outcrops along the
English coast. James couldn’t quite wrap his mind around it, that they would be landing back on
the same stretch of coastline that he had spent such a desperately hopeless week trying to escape
four years previously.

Frank found them in Norfolk, he immediately sensed a shift in James and Regulus’ moods and
James found himself painfully explaining what had happened to Lily. He would have to do this for
the rest of his life, he realised. When people asked where Harry’s mother was, he’d have to recount
that awful day and the horrifying image of her lifeless body strewn so carelessly in the road.

Training intensified over the next few months. James and Regulus found they didn’t have time for
anything else. They would rise before the sun and flop down into their bunks well after sunset.
James found an odd sense of relief in it, he found he was able to make his mind blank when he was
busy and overwhelmed with fatigue. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t able to be alone with Regulus
either, just having him close was enough. It seemed Regulus felt the same, he stuck close to James’
side through every drill, run and assault exercise.

The day was set in late May and so was the location. They’d be landing at Normandy at the
beginning of June. Most of the soldiers were surprised to hear this, the crossing at Calais was much
narrower, but the Germans would have been expecting that, James supposed. They were to cross
the Channel under the cover of darkness and land on the beaches at dawn. Once they had cleared
the beaches, they were to secure Bayeux, once Bayeux was secure, they would liberate France.
Seemed simple enough, James thought. He knew the reality was far from that.

He said goodbye to Regulus during a frantic and brief exchange in a dark corner of the training
grounds on the fifth of June. They were landing on different beaches. If things went to plan, they
would be meeting each other again in a liberated France. If things didn’t, well James wondered if
he’d find himself in a watery grave alongside Peter.

James heaved a shaky breath as he stood on the boat towards Normandy. He glanced a quick look
back at the retreating cliffs of Britain before setting his sights firmly ahead. He was surrounded by
a couple dozen other mean in an open-topped landing craft. He had his rifle strapped firmly to his
front and his helmet pulled on tight. James kept taking deep breaths, filling his lungs with air and
then exhaling through his teeth. But it did nothing to quell his rising anxiety. Everywhere he
looked, left and right, he could see the dark shadows of other boats heading to France. The sea was
dotted with them, small boats filled with men who were all thinking the same thing. Please let me
get through this. The weather was bad, dark grey clouds loomed overhead and the sea was rough.
Men were vomiting over the side of the vessel, some of them straight at their feet. Several men
were praying out loud and clutching rosaries over their hearts. Others just stared out ahead of them,
trying to glimpse the oncoming cliffs ahead. James felt himself shivering, it was bitterly cold, and
the violent spray of seawater had quickly drenched him to the bone.

The journey across the small stretch of water took an impossibly long amount of time, the sun had
risen just high enough that they were able to make out the first dark shapes of the French coast on
the horizon as it appeared. James wondered what it might look like from the other side. Oblivious
German soldiers who manned the defences, entirely ignorant to the oncoming storm. Would they
look up and see the sea dotted with the black mass of hundreds of boats heading their way and
pray?

The shelling began before James’ landing craft had even reached the beach. Several dozen other
boats had already made it there first and James could hear the shouting, the bullets, the carnage
that had begun at the first light of day. His heart was racing and his hands were sweaty. He clung
onto his rifle and tried to steady his shaking hands. He had always managed to maintain composure
under pressure throughout the war, but now his nerves were fraught. They seemed to be walking
straight into a trap. And now, with a son at home he needed to get to know, and after Lily, he felt
the steady march of death beckoning him. He closed his eyes to block out the pale faces
surrounding him and the oncoming devastation for a brief moment.

A clang of metal indicated that the front of the landing craft had dropped, water immediately
poured in and around James’ boots and the rain of fire began. He opened his eyes as the men
around him charged forwards into the shallow depths of the ocean. A man dropped like lead
besides him but he didn’t stop to look. He jumped off the boat and was met by a wave of sea water
to his face as another body dropped. James lifted his rifle but he couldn’t see where the enemy was,
they were high on the bank behind the beach in their bunkers picking men off like fish in a barrel.
Chaos swirled around him as people began screaming and shouting. Men were running through the
waves towards the beach.

Large metal hedgehogs coated the beach as far as the eye could see, they were large cross-like
contraptions designed to stop vehicles and tanks from landing. Men were using them to take
shelter, although they offered limited safety. Mines and barbed wire spanned the beach and James
had to climb over the heavy metal spikes while bullets soared past him. He pushed himself over the
wire and landed on a thick tangle of metal spikes, his uniform got caught in the sharp prongs and
he pulled desperately as he crawled away from the barbed wire and towards shelter.

Once James had finally extricated himself from the trap, he pressed on and up the beach. He
dragged himself out of the water and onto the sand, searching desperately for somewhere to aim his
shot. He launched himself up the beach and threw himself down behind a hedgehog to shelter from
the shelling.

“Where are we shooting?” he screamed to a man who had flopped down besides him.

“They’re up there!” the man exclaimed. James looked to where he was indicating. There were
concrete bunkers with machine guns peering down at them, James didn’t know how it was possible
that they were going to get close enough to take them out. He turned back to the man next to him
and found he was dead, a bullet hole gaped in the centre of his forehead.

James saw a man run across the beach; his body was pummelled with bullets. It took him a while
to fall, the onslaught appeared to keep him upright for a few moments even after it was clear he
was already dead. The damp sand around him turned red when his body finally collapsed, and
James noticed that the entire beach seemed to have taken on a pink tinge. Another man, a medic,
crawled across the sand towards a private who was screaming for his mother, he was laid on his
back and clutching his guts that were spilling out of his stomach. The medic quickly became still as
he too was shot. A private who had been crouched close to James darted up and grabbed his pack,
continuing on to finish the medic’s job, but it was already too late, the screaming had stopped.

James’ throat was tight and his eyes unblinking as he took in the carnage surrounding him. He
looked wildly around himself for a sight of Frank, but he was nowhere to be seen. He attempted to
quell the rise of fear that brought, and a flickering thought of Regulus made him vomit
immediately. He retched as he lay prone on the sand and pushed any thoughts of Regulus, of Frank
out of his mind, he had to stay focused in order to survive this next part. He rose to his feet and
began shooting towards the bank ahead, there were bodies everywhere, but there were also men
approaching the German defences alongside him.

James could tell they were taking heavy casualties, but they were also progressing forwards, the
large machine guns couldn’t kill them all. He sprinted towards a small hill on top of which most of
the German defences lay. He rested for only a moment as a dozen other soldiers thew themselves
down next to him. He glanced a look around himself and at the ferocious eyes of the other men. He
nodded to the man closest to him and they jumped up together, the others quickly following. He
scrambled up the bank and towards the large concrete bunker. Dozens of them pushed forwards,
many falling almost immediately. James miraculously avoided being shot has he ran straight
towards the bunker. As he approached, the gunfire became deafening and he could smell the
smoke and gunpowder permeating the air. He pulled a grenade out of his pack.

In one smooth movement, he tore out the pin and threw it into the small opening in which the gun
was still raining bullets on the beach. He threw himself to the ground and protected his head as the
grenade exploded and the machine gun went quiet. Bolstered by the successes, and in the small
moment of reprieve for that small stretch of beach, the men continued forwards, crawling and
clambering over grassy dunes towards the enemy.

It had been such a long five years since James had stood in his drawing room and listened to the
words rattling out across the wireless declaring that they were at war. They had already lost so
much and he felt himself drawn forwards on an invisible string. He no longer felt afraid, he was
angry. And he was going to do whatever it took to ensure that they succeeded. The invasion lasted
all day, and by the afternoon James felt strung out and shaken. There were bodies littered across the
beach, men screaming in agony and bedlam among the ranks. Nobody knew whose orders they
were supposed to be following, they only knew there was no falling back, so they pushed on,
further into the German defences.

James knew the moment they had won. It was when a group of German soldiers staggered out of
one of the bunkers, hands raised and speaking quickly. They looked young and inexperienced.
James supposed that their generals had been right, and they hadn’t been expecting the invasion at
Normandy. France had been occupied for four years and so most of those men had probably done
little else than look to the empty horizon for the entire course of the war. By the time evening
rolled around, it was over.

James collapsed onto his back on the beach, the screaming hadn’t stopped and there was still the
distant sound of gunfire and shelling. He looked up at the grey stormy clouds above and allowed
himself to breath for the first time that day.

“James? James!” he heard someone call his name and he sat up, looking around himself. Frank was
sprinting down the beach, he was covered in blood and James immediately jumped up in alarm.

“Frank! Have you been hit?” he shouted.

Frank looked confused for a moment and then down at himself. A dark frown descended on his
face.

“No, it’s not mine,” he said. “It’s not over James. If you’re able to walk, then we need to keep
marching.”

James took a shaky breath and looked around him. The bodies were everywhere, injured, and dead
alike. He glanced towards the horizon and spotted more black dots on the in the distance, the
second wave of Allied soldiers descending upon the continent.

“We’re going to liberate Bayeux by morning,” Frank said.

 Chapter 42

Regulus

On the day of the landings, it had been a hundred and seventy-four days since Regulus dragged
himself out of the river. He couldn’t stop himself from keeping score. He wasn’t sure why he did
it, especially now that his world appeared to have crumpled around him. Regulus landed on the
beaches of Normandy. He witnessed men being blown to pieces, the unstoppable march forwards,
the panicked faces of men who’d seen too much. He screamed with rage, anguish, and relief as he
fired at the enemy and threw grenades across the wide sandy beaches. He felt like they must seem
like haunted men, zombies clambering out of the water with eyes full of revenge and fury after
being pushed into the sea four years previously.

He wanted to live, that much had changed since the last time he had faced such unrelenting fire.
But after Lily’s death he had felt a new numbness wash over him, a realisation that there was no
rhyme or reason for anything. People who deserved to die lived, and people who deserved to live
were snatched away in a single moment. So he couldn’t find it in himself to be too fearful as he
marched forwards. The randomness of death meant his time would come when it did, and not a
moment sooner. He didn’t think of James however, the knowledge that he was doing much the
same on a beach only a few miles away made him feel sick. It seemed impossible that they’d both
make it out alive, not with so much death and destruction happening all at once.

Regulus had been at war for over four years, and he had seen his share of horrific sights. He had
seen death and injury, he had heard men crying out in the dark nights as they died slow and
painfully. But what he witnessed on those beaches was by far the worst of it. They’d been sent into
a meat grinder, armed and trained to take the continent by brute force. It seemed like they had just
thrown hundreds of thousands of men towards France and hoped that enough would make it up the
beaches to continue onwards.

And they did. They marched inland over the next few weeks, supported by the Canadians, the
Polish, and the French Resistance. They pushed the Germans back following heavy gunfights and
increased shelling. The Americans had it worse, at least that’s what Regulus had heard from other
soldiers. The landings at Omaha and Utah were far bloodier and more brutal and Regulus couldn’t
see how that was possible. He hadn’t heard from James and he allowed the chaos of the long days
to force his mind into a state of disassociation so he wouldn’t have to think of his fate. He had
heard that Bayeux had been liberated and paratroopers had been deployed further inland. After
Bayeux, it was Guéret, then Caretan and Caen, slowly the Northern coast of France was being
liberated. They pushed forwards into Normandy until the Germans were forced into retreat and
Northern France was left empty of its occupiers.

They didn’t have time to stop and celebrate however, as the campaign continued inland and
towards Paris. Weeks passed as Regulus marched forwards, engaged in heavy gunfights every day.
They fought their way into towns and villages, captured rivers and bridges and lost many along the
way. It was after nearly two months of fighting, when Regulus’ boots were melded to his feet, his
hands calloused, and his bones weary that they made their final approach to Paris.

The Americans went first, approaching the city and engaging in a heated battle. The occupiers held
on strong, undoubtedly they knew that by surrendering Paris, they were surrendering France. The
civilians began to rise, they called a general strike and the resistance fought from the inside. The
pressure on all sides by an encroaching army and an uprising population, retreat was inevitable.
Regulus marched into Paris on a sunny day in August, people lined the streets, the tricolore waved
down at him from buildings above. Children ran forwards into the marching soldiers and clung to
their legs, women kissed the soldiers, and Regulus felt the first pangs of hope.

Because he hadn’t really believed it before that point, that there could be a turn in the unending
drudgery of wins and losses, the push and pull of hopeless death and abandonment. But as he
walked down Champs-Élysées towards the Arc de Triumph, he allowed himself to believe, for one
moment, that the end might be close. Regulus was marching through the streets when he overheard
other soldiers talking. They spoke of the American and Canadian soldiers up ahead, of the Polish
troops who were still fighting to the east of the city. They spoke of the British, who had all
congregated on Paris. One of the men spoke of his brother in the 4 th Infantry who was marching
behind them.

“The 4th?” Regulus had interrupted the man as soon as he said it. The man looked up in surprise
and nodded.

“Yes, I think they’ve joined. They’re down that way,” he pointed down the parade through the
thousands of marching soldiers and that was all Regulus needed to hear. He sprinted away and
pushed himself through the crowds of soldiers like a salmon swimming upstream. He looked
around himself wildly as he searched every face for the one he was looking for. It seemed
impossible, in the noisy and crowded streets to find him and he had nearly given up when he saw
James’ face.

James was marching towards him, his face was drawn and tired, but he had a grin that lit up the
entire city and it shone brighter as he spotted Regulus in the crowd. They stared at each other as
James approached, oblivious to the chaos surrounding them. Regulus ran towards James in the
same moment James sprinted forwards to meet him. James lifted Regulus off his feet and swung
him around.

“We did it!” James cried. Regulus couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face as he wrapped
himself tightly around James.

“You survived!” he said.

James laughed and let Regulus down. “I did, So did you!” It was a miraculous thing, that they had
both made it through. That they had landed in France and in a matter of months had achieved what
they had failed to do for over four years. They had a long way to go, Regulus knew that, and there
was every possibility that Paris would once again be lost. But for now, he allowed himself to
believe that this was it, that the tide had turned and victory was on its way. James flung his arm
around Regulus’ shoulder as they continued their march. Regulus wrapped his own arm around
James’ waist. They didn’t need to worry about being too amorous as so many of the men were
embracing each other with relief. Regulus watched the relieved faces of the citizens lining their
route. They were lively and happy, but Regulus could see the exhaustion in each one of them.
Regulus didn’t know what exactly they had lived through, but he suspected it had been a dark four
years.

They rested for a couple of days after entering Paris. The parties span the entire city and Regulus
could hear the singing and fireworks across the rooftops. Soldiers were flooding into the bars,
cafes, and clubs, making the most out of the brief respite. Regulus had been to Paris on many
occasions throughout his youth, so he knew most of the old hotspots well. He wondered how they
might have changed in the past four years. One particular club Regulus had been to when he was
only sixteen came to mind, chances were it had closed but he decided it was worth a shot.
As groups of British soldiers crammed their way into a small dusty bar near their quarters, he
grabbed a hold of James and dragged him out into the busy streets. They weaved their way through
the throngs of crowds until they found themselves on a busy street full of jammed bars. American
bebop and French swing music leaked out of the flats and clubs and the city itself seemed to be
exhaling with relief.

Regulus pulled James into the bar he had been looking for and ordered them both scotches. He was
surprised that it was still there, and he supposed that maybe it hadn’t been until the past few days.
They sat in a corner and sipped their drinks while James looked around at the lavish French décor.
There were pictures adorning every wall, lush velvet booths and small tables crammed so close
together that you had to climb over a dozen people to reach the bar. They were quickly joined at
their table by a group of young French men who pulled their chairs round to face each other.

“It feels like things are changing,” James said to him. Regulus couldn’t keep the enthusiasm out of
his face as he took a sip of his drink and nodded.

“It does,” Regulus replied. He knew that this was only a temporary respite however and couldn’t
stop himself from continuing. “It’s not over yet. They could be marching back in tomorrow for all
we know.” James frowned but nodded his head in agreement.

“I think it’s okay to have a little hope,” he said. “Besides, let’s make the most of the good times
when we have them.”

Regulus smiled and leaned forwards to kiss James. James jerked his head back suddenly and
looked around with wide eyes to see if anyone had spotted Regulus’ movement. He leaned
forwards and whispered to Regulus. “Reg, we’re in public,”

Regulus chuckled and glanced a look around the room, he was surprised James hadn’t noticed it.
There were men everywhere, there were a fair few women too, but not many. The women tended to
favour the clubs of Montmartre he found. Soldiers and civilians alike were dancing and singing and
kissing. Regulus chuckled and leaned in close to James raising his lips to the other man’s ear. He
rested a hand on James’ thigh and stroked his leg with a slow, intentional touch.

“Take a look around James, we can do what we want here.”

James’ eyes went even wider, and he darted a look around, his brows furrowed slightly as he took
in his surroundings. He swallowed harshly and looked at Regulus.

“This is a queer bar?” his words got caught off by a gasp as Regulus’ hand moved further up his
thigh. Regulus nodded and bit his bottom lip to dampen his grin. “Have you- have you been to
many places like this before?” James asked. Regulus shrugged; he was quickly getting distracted
by the way James was relaxing into his touch.

“A few,” he said. “I took Lily to one in London,” he said it without thinking and immediately
froze. James had stilled too, and Regulus could tell they both felt that same wave of grief at the
simple mention of her name.

“She said it was one of the best nights of her life,” James said after a moment, smiling gently at the
memory. Regulus pulled away slightly, he felt his eyes begin to brim with tears, they always came
quickly when he thought about Lily and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to hear her name without
the matching wave of devastation. James seemed to noticed this shift in his temperament and so he
pushed forwards, capturing Regulus’ lips in a kiss. Regulus was astounded by his bravery and
immediately responded. He laughed against James’ mouth as his movements gained confidence.
James tilted his head to the side and Regulus could see that he was scanning the room to see if
anyone was looking. Nobody was, each man too preoccupied with their own romantic prospects,
getting drunk, or dancing.

James leaned back and stared at Regulus for a moment, he seemed to be having a profound
realisation and Regulus let him have the time.

“Wouldn’t it be nice if we could always be like this?” James said. “Free to be in love in public.”

Regulus sighed and rested his hand against James’ shoulder, he ran his hand down James’ cheek
and thought about what a life like that would look like. One in which they could walk about in
public, could hold hands in the street and kiss in the sun.

“It would be nice,” he said. “But we have Godric’s Hollow. Your parents and friends, we can have
some freedom there.”

James sighed but nodded. “Yes, I suppose so. There’ll be whispers in the village of course.” James
paused and caught Regulus’ eye again. “I don’t care, I’d marry you if I could.”

Regulus scoffed in disbelief at that. “Oh really?” he asked. James nodded; his bright eyes full of
surprise that Regulus didn’t seem to know this already.

“Of course I would. We’d get married on the lawn of the manor on a summer’s day. There would
be yellow tulips everywhere of course, and dad would give me away.”

Regulus began laughing heartedly at that visual. “And would you be wearing a white dress too?”

“No, I don’t think so,” James said. “A very expensive tux of course.” James leaned in and kissed
Regulus’ neck gently before whispering into his ear. “Maybe on the honeymoon,” he said. Regulus
knew it was a joke, but his stomach jumped at the visual that flashed through his mind. James
laughed and looked up to the revellers on the dancefloor, “So fancy a dance?”

“I don’t dance,” Regulus said quickly. James raised his eyebrow exasperatedly but relented
quickly. He stood from the table and picked up their empty glasses.

“I’ll get us a couple more drinks,” Regulus nodded, still in somewhat of a daze after James’ heated
words. James weaved his way through the busy establishment and towards the bar.

Regulus got distracted by the men closest to him speaking rapidly in French, they were talking of
the changes that were happening in the city almost overnight. Regulus didn’t want to ask how
things had been during the occupation, but he wondered how bad things had gotten. Besides, it was
easy to forget that the war wasn’t won when they were in a city of celebrating people.

Regulus lit a cigarette and glanced up to where James was standing by the bar. There was a young
man speaking to him, he looked a bit drunk by the way he was swaying on the spot and leaning
close to James. James had that same innocent smile on his face he always had, pleased to meet a
new person and make a new friend. Regulus wondered if James knew the young man was coming
on to him, he guessed that he probably didn’t. Interested to see how far it would get before James
realised what was happening, Regulus leaned forwards and watched the interaction. The young
French man said something to James and then pulled him into the dancefloor. James’ eyebrows
shot up in surprise and he immediately glanced over at Regulus. Regulus looked at him with a
teasing smile as James was dragged into the throngs of dancing bodies.

James seemed to realise what was happening and he kept his gaze firmly fixed on Regulus as he
began dancing with the Frenchman. He shot Regulus a teasing grin before spinning the young man
around. Soon another man had joined James’ other side and they were both clearly jostling for his
attention. James humoured them, dancing around the floor and swaying his hips. His shirt had its
sleeves rolled up and a few buttons undone at the collar. It served to accentuate his long neck as he
raised his head and began moving to the beat. Before long, Regulus’ throat got dry at the sight of
James moving to the music and the two men pressing close to his sides.

Regulus watched intensely and exhaled a line of smoke through his teeth as James’ gaze flickered
back down to meet his. He stubbed out his cigarette and moved through the tables, keeping his
eyes trained on James. When he approached, he didn’t spare a glance at the two men vying for
James’ attention but pulled James close to him. James allowed himself to go willingly until they
were pressed together among the heaving mass of people.

“Now who’s the jealous one?” James teased. Regulus would have rolled his eyes, but he was too
distracted by the smattering of hair peeking out of James’ shirt and the way his hips were moving
against his own. Regulus held James close and danced with him to the music as bodies thrummed
around them. The noise and music, the smoke and sweat overtook them and throughout it all they
kept their eyes fixated on each other. “I thought you couldn’t dance,” James said in a throaty voice.

“I said I didn’t, not that I couldn’t,” Regulus replied. James swallowed and Regulus’ eyes focused
on the way his Adam’s apple bobbed, he was feeling lightheaded and frenzied, and he needed to do
something about it. “Come with me,” he said.

James followed willingly as Regulus led him through the throngs of people and out towards a
small wooden door in the back of the bar. There were a couple of toilets leading off the corridor
and Regulus pulled James into the first one he found unoccupied. James had barely been able to
close the door behind him when Regulus launched himself at the other man, kissing him roughly
and with a frenzied demand.

“I thought we could kiss freely out there,” James said hoarsely.

“We’re not here to kiss,” Regulus replied before dropping to his knees. James gasped and his head
fell back against the door frame before Regulus had even unbuttoned his trousers.

James inhaled sharply as Regulus pulled his erection out of his trousers and began kissing and
sucking it with as much determination as he was able. He felt James’ hands tangle in his hair as he
pulled Regulus against him and his soft groans echoed around the small bathroom. Regulus
worshiped James on his knees until James bucked away from him in a sudden jerk. He looked up at
James’ face who was watching him with a look of devoted craving and Regulus felt that tightness
around his heart that had become so familiar. The tightness that indicated that his heart existed, and
it was full, and he was still alive.

James pulled Regulus to his feet and kissed him. He licked into his mouth and grunted as he
pushed Regulus back against the sink. He lifted Regulus up and pulled down his trousers and pants
in one smooth movement. He pressed himself forwards until their groins aligned and Regulus
arched backwards, placing his hand against the small, cracked mirror behind him. James latched
himself on to Regulus’ neck and sucked like he was trying to draw blood. Regulus could hear
himself groaning, he knew the place was accepting, he bit down on his finger just to be safe.
Regulus loved it when James was like this, full of lust and urgency, when his movements became
frenzied and it was as if he couldn’t stop himself.

James trailed his hand down Regulus’ back until he clasped his hand around Regulus’ buttocks, he
stopped kissing his neck for only a moment to meet Regulus’ eye with a question in his gaze.
Regulus didn’t need to be asked twice he nodded violently and rummaged around in his pocket for
the small tube of Vaseline he knew he had stored there. James’ eyes darkened when Regulus pulled
it out and he pulled Regulus against him more firmly.
“Fuck, I need you,” he gasped against Regulus’ neck.

“Then have me,” Regulus replied.

James made quick work of the Vaseline. Truthfully, Regulus didn’t care how thorough he was, he
just needed to be close to James as soon as possible. James lifted him off the sink and moved into
him slowly. Regulus gasped at the pressure and wrapped his legs around James’ waist. The noise
of the music and shouting outside the door dimmed until all he could hear was James’ ragged
gasps. James began thrusting into him and Regulus clung to James, he unconsciously scraped his
nails down the side of James’ neck until he left bright pink stripes against his dark skin.

Their movements gained speed until they were moving as one, grunting against each other’s
mouths and pressed tight against the sink. James leaned forwards so that Regulus had to arch his
back against the wall behind him. James’ hand slapped against the cool glass of the mirror and
Regulus stuffed his shirt into his mouth to stop himself from screaming as he came. James whined
at the sight of Regulus coming undone beneath him and thrusted only a few more times before he
too came with a muffled groan against Regulus’ shoulder.

Regulus opened his eyes; he hadn’t realised he had closed them. He looked up at James who was
watching him with a ragged, hopeful intensity even as they remained connected. Regulus reached
up and brushed James’ hair away from his sweaty face and kissed him.

“Just so you know, I’d marry you too,” Regulus said. James stared at Regulus for a long moment,
taking in his words. Regulus felt that something significant shifted then. The ribbons that entwined
their fates so closely had knotted together in that moment. He was as wedded as anyone could be,
he realised. Their whispered vows and gasping promises bound them together in the church of their
tangled bodies.

They left Paris two days later. The small moment of victory made it feel like the war was over, but
Regulus knew that there was so much more ahead of them. He wished he could stay in Paris
longer, that they could relish in the fantasy of being two lovers on holiday. James’ division joined
his own and so at least they were able to march together. As they navigated the French countryside
it became clear that the war was very much still happening. There were bombed out villages, towns
devoid of people, and mines to avoid on the long road to the frontier.

They approached the French border, the line which was still held by the Germans, and Regulus
was tired. He was exhausted by it all and he just wanted it to be over. It would be over, but it would
take longer than Regulus thought. Regulus would have to wait just over a year for the final bullet to
fire on European soil.
 Chapter 43

Sirius

It was a crisp morning on the day James left. he had found Sirius wandering the grounds alone at
the first break of dawn.

“What are you doing out here?” he had asked.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Sirius replied. It was the truth, he had barely slept since he had returned, and it
had only gotten worse since Lily’s death. He felt strung out and exhausted. Memories of the prison,
of Emile’s limp body and Chris’ unknown fate were haunting him. And now he was home, and
even though it was all he had dreamed of for four years, it felt like things were falling apart. Remus
was spiralling and he didn’t know how to help him. When he thought Sirius was asleep, Sirius
would hear him weeping into his pillow and feel his body shake with emotion. Sirius wasn’t sure
what hurt more, the fact that he couldn’t help him, couldn’t fix what was broken, or the fact that
Remus was suffering in secret. “Are you ready?” Sirius asked.

“Mmm,” James replied distractedly. “It doesn’t feel right, leaving when things are still a mess
here.”

“Nobody’s going to get better overnight, there’s only so much you can do.”

“I suppose so. I wish I didn’t have to leave Harry. I just found out about him, and it’s still going to
be months, maybe longer before I even get to know him.”

“Eh, all kids are pretty much the same,” Sirius said, trying to lighten the mood. He huffed a laugh
at James’ unimpressed expression. “Seriously though, he’ll be waiting for you. You have plenty of
time to catch up on what you’ve missed. He has Remus too.”

“And you,” James replied.

“And me,” Sirius said. Sirius was surprised to find that it was the truth, that he genuinely meant it.
It wasn’t that he felt nothing for the child, but he couldn’t help the resentment that washed over
him when he first saw him, when he thought he was Remus’. He worried that sentiment might
stick, but he realised now that it hadn’t lasted at all. He loved Harry like his own, and he meant it
when he told James he’d look after him.

“How’s Remus holding up?” James asked.

“On and off,” Sirius replied. “Bad mostly, he won’t go back to the cottage. I can see why, I went by
to pick up some clothes and her things are everywhere. I was going to start packing them away, but
it seemed too soon.”

James frowned and nodded, he looked into the distance as he considered his next words.

“And how are you?” he asked.

“Oh I’m fine,” Sirius replied.

“Are you?” James stopped and looked at him with an appraising gaze. James had always been able
to do that, to pick up on when Sirius was feeling down, to see right through his boisterous exterior
and cheerful mask. Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
“I’m fine,” he repeated. “It’s just a bit of an adjustment is all. Nobody tells you what you’re
supposed to do after… well after what I went through. I still feel like I’m in that mode, that I need
to be prepared to jump up and run at any point. It’s like my body hasn’t been told that I’m safe.
Well, I suppose we’re not really, Lily is proof of that.”

James nodded and considered this. “It’ll take time, but you’ll get there Pads. Lean into Remus and
let him lean on you.”

Sirius murmured his agreement and paused for a moment. He shifted uncomfortably as he
considered whether or not to say what was bothering him. “James, can I admit something
absolutely awful to you?” he said finally.

James’ eyes widened in curiosity, but he nodded.

“It feels like… well it feels like Remus actually lost his wife,” Sirius hated himself immediately for
speaking the words aloud, but he had to continue, he had to get it off his chest. “He said they were
married to help her out of a tough spot, that they were just friends. But- but the way he’s reacting,
the way he’s grieving, it’s like they were… it’s like they were actually married.” Sirius
immediately turned and continued walking as he finished speaking, ashamed at himself for even
having the slightest hint of jealousy at Lily and Remus’ relationship. James resumed walking
besides him and considered his answer for a long while.

“I suppose they were in a way,” he said.

Sirius was surprised at this response and his stomach swooped as something he had been secretly
fearing was apparently confirmed by James. James immediately noticed the panicked expression
Sirius was undoubtedly presenting him with and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“Not like that. I mean, well they lived together for a long time. They were raising Harry together.
Just because they slept in different rooms and weren’t together like that, doesn't mean it wasn't as
real as most marriages. Probably had more love than most marriages to be honest.”

Sirius chewed his lip and considered this.

“Yes, I suppose you’re right.”

“He’s going to have to grieve her Pads. And it will likely take a long time. It doesn’t change how
he feels about you. It doesn’t change your relationship.”

Sirius fought back tears and swallowed harshly. Because that was it, that was what he was really
scared of, that after all this time Remus had fallen out of love with him. He wouldn’t have blamed
him if he had, he was a shell of the vibrant person he used to be.

“I want to get back to how we were. We have been shagging obviously, but it’s not the same. The
conversations, the way we used to be so comfortable in each other’s presence, it’s not the same.
There’s so much time and distance between us now.”

“You’ve travelled further distances to get home to him,” James said.

"Sometimes I wonder, after all that time away if I'll ever return to who I was? I just feel so angry,
all the time. What if after everything that I've been through, something's gone wrong inside me?
What if I'm becoming bad?"

James inhaled sharply and steadied Sirius with a stern gaze. He held Sirius' shoulders in his hands
and took a breath before speaking.
"I want you to listen to me very carefully, Sirius. You're not a bad person. You're a very good
person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good and bad people.
We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's
who we really are. You've chosen the good, every single time, ever since I've known you."

Sirius sniffed quietly. He was right, of course he was. He would have to travel a bit further, but he
was going to do it, for Remus’ sake.

“How’s Reg?” Sirius asked after a moment. He felt James tense beside him, his hand clenched
slightly where it was resting on his shoulder.

“Okay, it’s difficult for him too. They were close after all.”

“And things with you two?” Sirius didn’t really want to ask, but he was working on being the
bigger person, and wanted to be a good friend above all else. James smiled knowingly at him; he
knew Sirius didn’t really want to hear the details.

“They’re getting there. It’s been a long road,” he said. “I love him Sirius, I really do. I know it must
be so strange for you, but he makes me so happy, even when he makes me sad.”

“Does he make you sad?” a flare of protectiveness for James rose in Sirius’ chest.

“No. He has though. It wasn’t his fault, he thought it was for the best. It’s pretty clear that he didn’t
think he deserved to be loved for a very long time. I think we can blame your parents for that one.”

Sirius scoffed in agreement. He blinked into the bright sky and thought about James and Regulus
together. He didn’t understand it, and most of all he didn’t understand how James knew so much
more about his own brother than he did. It felt wrong that James should be explaining his inner
workings to him.

“You should speak to him. You’re more similar than you realise and I think you just need to sit
down and talk. You’ll come to recognise that you’re damaged in the same ways, there’s no need to
hold each other at arm’s length.”

“We do talk,” Sirius retorted. James levelled him with an unconvinced look. “It’s tricky. He’s a
grown man now. I haven’t really known him since he was fourteen and it’s my fault. If I never left
him behind then I’d know who he was now, you wouldn’t need to explain this shit to me.” Sirius
sighed dramatically and turned to face James. “But yes, I get your point. And if you’re asking,
which I know you’re not, but I’ll overlook it this time. I suppose I give you my blessing or
whatever. If he makes you happy, then just get through this next part together. Keep each other
safe, okay?”

James nodded and hugged Sirius tightly for a long time. Sirius clung on to James and buried his
face into his shoulder. For the longest time James was the closest thing to a brother Sirius had.
Now he was finding his way back to Regulus and it was all because of him. One day he’d find the
words to let James know how grateful he was, but for now he just clung onto him in the misty
morning light.

After James and Regulus left, the house returned to a sombre silence. Remus began heading out to
the farm to work on same day the train left and he didn’t return to the manor until late in the
evenings. Sirius and the Potters looked after Harry but Sirius could tell that he was feeling
increasingly uneasy about Remus’ absences. He tried his best to keep the mood light, to not dwell
on questions about where Lily was by distracting the young boy. He took to cycling into the village
with Harry every day. He placed Harry in the basket at the front of Effie’s bike and moved slowly
though the lanes so not to topple over and spill him out. Harry loved these trips would laugh loudly
and wave at passers-by as they meandered their way through the small cobbled streets.

On one occasion Sirius nearly bumped into Petunia and Lily’s mother walking out of the general
store. He swerved out of their way and skidded to a stop to make sure Harry was still secure. They
were both looking at him with thunderstruck expressions, staring at Harry with wide eyes. Sirius
didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want them to have even the slightest interaction with the child, they
didn’t deserve to know the bright happy child after the way they had abandoned Lily. Instead, he
pressed down on the pedal and sped off through the village.

He came home one evening and found Remus sitting on the terrace, his glassy eyes staring
absentmindedly in the direction of the cottage. When Sirius approached he looked up and smiled, it
was a genuine smile but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Sirius knew that he was trying, and he so
desperately wanted to help him. He didn’t know how. He took a seat next to him and took a sip of
the glass of wine Remus had next to him.

“Maybe it’s time we go back?” Sirius said after a moment. “To the cottage I mean.”

Remus glanced up at him, there was an edge of panic in his expression.

“I can’t do that,” he said. His voice dripped with sadness and fear.

“Harry misses his home,” Sirius said. Remus’ brow furrowed and Sirius recognised the guilt
playing across his features. Sirius reached out and took Remus’ hand into his own. “I know it’s
hard. It’s always going to be hard, but you need to do this. It will help.”

“I’m sorry Sirius,” Remus said quite unexpectedly.

“What are you sorry for?” he replied.

“That you have to put up with me. That I can’t seem to get over this, after everything you’ve been
through. It isn’t fair.” Sirius fought back tears and brought Remus’ hand to his lips. He kissed the
palm gently and then looked up at Remus with earnest eyes.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Remus. I want you, I will always want you. And I want to help
you through this.” Remus swallowed and nodded, his eyes glistened but he didn’t break his eyes
away from Sirius’. “We’ll get through it together. We have to. For that little boy in there we can’t
afford to fall apart.”

Remus sighed heavily and finally tore his eyes away from Sirius. He rubbed his face with his hands
and shook himself as if trying to wake up.

“Has he gone to bed yet?” Remus asked.

“Effie’s just putting him down, but he’s probably still awake.”

“Right.” Remus looked behind him at the doors that led into the manor, he took a deep breath and
stood up. “I’m going to say goodnight to him.” He made his way into the house and Sirius slumped
down on his seat, he looked across the lawn and wondered how things would ever get better. A
few moments later he heard Remus’ footsteps return and he felt a soft kiss placed on his head. “I
love you Sirius. I promise I’ll try.” Sirius closed his eyes and leaned back into the kiss, embracing
the tender touch and sweet words before Remus retreated back into the manor.
Things started to get better after that. Remus slowly began coming back to himself. He would take
Harry out onto the farm with him, read him to bed every evening, and was always present at the
morning breakfasts. Sirius was incredibly pleased, but he still felt that impassable gulf that had
settled between them. He never knew what to say to make things better even though he could tell
Remus was trying his best. But his best had seemed to have evolved into hiding how sad he was
from Sirius. Sirius could see the sorrow in his posture, in the way his smile dropped almost
immediately when he thought nobody was looking. But Sirius was always looking, he always
noticed.

They took Harry up to the tall hill at the back of the village and looked out across the Wiltshire
countryside, they flew kites in the gentle breeze as they waited impatiently for news from the
continent. D-day came and went and everyone’s nerves were on edge, waiting for dreaded
telegram informing them of James or Regulus’ death. The news that had trickled in about what had
happened on the beaches, the sheer level of death was more than any of them could comprehend.
But no telegram did arrive, so they could only hope for a bit longer that they were both safe.

On a sunny summers day, Sirius found Effie in the kitchen of the manor arranging a series of vases
full of fresh flowers on the counter.

“Hey, I always help you with that,” Sirius said. Effie looked up at him and chuckled.

“I wasn’t sure you’d want to anymore, you’re a grown man now after all,” she said.

Sirius scoffed and threw his hair over his shoulder. “I’ll never be too old for a bit of flower
arranging,” he said. Effie smiled sweetly at him and pushed over a couple of vases and loose
flowers. Sirius took a seat at the kitchen island and began working on arranging the flowers into
neat colourful arrangements.

“How are you Sirius?” Effie asked earnestly. Sirius looked up, he should have expected this as
soon as he sat down. He sighed heavily and continued working.

“Oh same old same old,” he replied airily. Effie didn’t respond but looked at him with an edge of
concern. A motherly look that he had only ever received from her.

“How are you really? Coming back… it must be a shock,” she said.

Sirius chewed his bottom lip as he continued placing roses into an olive green vase. “It’s… it’s
strange. It’s all that kept me going for so long, the thought of coming home. And I’m so so happy, I
just want to scream about it. But it’s also… it’s different. What happened to Lily… sometimes I
think it broke something in us all that can’t ever be fixed.”

Effie thought about this for a few moments before speaking. “You’re right, I think we’ve all
overlooked what a miracle it is that you survived because of the grief that followed.” Sirius
frowned and shook his head.

“No, it’s not that. It just doesn’t feel right sometimes. That I’m here and she’s not. That James and
Reg are still out there.” Sirius looked up at Effie who was meeting his eye with a steady gaze.
“There were these two blokes, in the prison, Emile and Chris. They were my friends, my good
friends. Emile was so young, and he escaped with me and he… well he didn’t make it home. And
Chris, I don’t know what happened to him- probably still in the prison. Alive I hope.” Sirius
thought about the way Chris had been dragged off to solitary on the last day he saw him and he
prayed that he hadn’t faced punishment for his escape. “I just want to make things right again.
Remus is so sad all the time and he won’t let me in. I think he believes he’s protecting me, but it’s
not. Because I can see him, I’ve always seen him, and I can feel his pain as intense as if it were my
own.”

Effie clenched her mouth slightly and circled the island to take a seat besides Sirius. She rested a
hand on his back and rubbed it soothingly.

“That’s a lot for one person to take on,” she said. “I’ve found that in most cases, we can’t solve the
problems for the people we love. We can only love them as they help themselves. And you love
Remus so much, he knows that. James and Regulus too, they can feel that wherever they are. Those
two men you spoke of, well I’ve no doubt that your love helped them through some tough nights
that would have been much harder without you in them.” She paused and tilted Sirius chin so he
was looking into her eye. “And I hope it’s the same for me. That the love I have for you will help
you through this.”

“Of course it does,” he replied. Effie smiled and brushed her hand through Sirius’ long hair.

“Remus will get there. Keep doing what you’re doing, just loving him, and he’ll find his way back
to you.”

There was a creak at the door behind them. Sirius turned around to see nothing but an empty
doorframe, but he suspected there had been someone standing there only moments before. Sirius
spent the rest of the afternoon arranging flowers with Effie. When they had finished their displays
and propped them up in each room of the house he joined her for a drink on the terrace. It was just
as he was pulling out a cigarette from his pack and relaxing into his chair that he spotted Remus
walking up the lawn from the direction of the cottage. Remus approached and looked up at him.

“Would you come with me?” he asked.

Sirius didn’t need convincing, he immediately nodded and stubbed out his cigarette, jumping up
from his seat. It didn’t matter what Remus wanted from him, he’d be there for anything. They
walked in silence across the lawn, Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets and resisted the urge to
ask where they were headed. It became clear once the cottage came into view, lit up from inside by
a flickering glow.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Sirius asked. Remus turned to him and took his hands in his own.

“I am. I’ve been here all afternoon. I heard what you said in the kitchen and I’m so sorry.” Remus
waved his hand as Sirius began to object. “No, I am. I’ve been so sad, and truthfully, I still am. But
I shouldn’t have tried to keep that from you, I think it’s only been making things worse. So from
today I’m going to show you exactly how I feel. Starting with this,” he indicated to the cottage in
front of them. Remus allowed Sirius to lead the way and he gasped as he opened the door. The
front room was bathed in an orange glow from gleaming candles set out across the room. There
was a large vase of flowers, undoubtedly nicked form the manor, and a table setting for two on the
dining table. “I asked Monty to read Harry to bed tonight, so I’m all yours.”

“Remus, you didn’t have to do this,” Sirius said.

“I did. Sirius we’re both different men than we were five years ago. But my feelings haven’t
changed, not for one moment. I love you so much and I need you to know that. So, for tonight, let’s
pretend this is the first time?”

Sirius glanced around the room; it was so familiar but also warmer than he remembered. There
were cushions on the sofa, art hanging on the walls, and a bright rug in the centre of the room.
Undoubtedly all Lily’s influence.
“The first time?” he asked.

Remus turned to face Sirius and smiled shyly at him. “Hello, my name is Remus Lupin,” he said.
“I was wondering if you’d join me for dinner?”

Sirius scoffed at this but played along. “Hello. Sirius Black, at your service,” he replied. “I’d love
to.” Remus grinned at him and led him to the table, pulling out a chair and pushing it in beneath
Sirius. Sirius couldn’t stop himself from giggling at the formal gesture, but his heart had begun to
beat rapidly in chest. He realised that he did in fact feel quite nervous. Remus stood awkwardly for
a moment by the table and they both chuckled simultaneously at the strange primness of the
situation. Remus walked into the kitchen and returned moments later with two plates of roast lamb
and vegetables. He placed them on the table and poured Sirius a glass of wine.

He sat down opposite Sirius and looked up nervously. “Is it okay?” he asked. Sirius thought he
might just melt into his table with the burst of love that expanded within him at Remus’ nervous
face.

“It’s perfect,” he said. He raised his glass for a toast.

“To our absent friends,” Sirius said. Remus blinked at him and lifted his own glass.

“Our absent friends,” he repeated.

They ate quietly for a few moments, it was really rather good. Remus had obviously learned to
cook in his absence and the flavours melted on Sirius’ tongue. Sirius wanted to say something, but
every time he looked up, Remus seemed to have the same idea. Their eyes would meet and they’d
both shut their mouths quickly, chuckling lightly at the nervous energy that had descended upon
them both.

After a painfully silent few minutes, Sirius finally gained the courage to speak.

“Did you really not have anyone else while I was gone?” he asked. “Not even a one-off? I wouldn’t
care if you did.”

Remus looked surprised at this question and his chewing slowed. He swallowed as he shook his
head.

“No one,” he replied in a soft voice.

“Why not? You thought I was dead.”

“I… well I didn’t need anyone else,” Remus replied. He looked down into his plate, and Sirius
could tell he wasn’t quite able to meet his eye. “The thing is Sirius; I’d already found my happy
ending. It didn’t last as long as I had hoped, but it was enough for me.”

Sirius felt the breath leave him all at once at Remus’ words. He lay down his cutlery and rose from
his seat. He walked around the table and took a seat besides Remus, close enough that he could
reach out and hold his hand. Remus finally looked up at the feel of his touch.

“That’s pretty fucking romantic,” Sirius laughed, his eyes were shimmering with tears and Remus
huffed lightly in amusement.

“I suppose it is,” he replied. Sirius brought Remus’ hand up to his lips and began kissing each
knuckle. Remus watched through heavily lidded eyes as he continued speaking.
“Who were Emile and Chris?” he asked. Sirius froze as the question landed and he glanced up at
Remus.

“They were at the prison with me. It was nothing like that, I swear-”, Remus shook his head
thoroughly and interrupted him quickly.

“No! I didn’t mean like that. Although it would be okay if it was, you were gone for a long time. I
just meant… what I overheard in the kitchen. It just sounded like they were pretty important to
you.”

“They were… are,” Sirius replied. “I don’t know if Chris is alive… they helped me get through it.
I drove them round the bend plotting my escape every day,” he chuckled at the memory. “And
every time there was a full moon I’d stare out the window at it for hours, Chris said it creeped him
out.”

Remus chuckled and edged his seat closer, leaning in to hear Sirius talk. It helped, Sirius realised,
to talk about it. And not just the horror of it, the pain, and the violence, but the small moments of
lightness he had found in the darkness. He spoke for a long time and Remus watched his face with
rapt interest as he told him everything about how it had happened, what his days had been like,
how he had come up with his plan and how he had run for his life. He was quite out of breath when
he finished talking and Sirius realised he had lifted a heavy weight from his shoulders.

“So, it was Chris who gave you those tattoos?”

Sirius smiled and nodded, he ran a finger down the trail of a black markings along his forearm as
he remembered the long painful nights the pair spent etching each other’s skin.

“They became a bit addictive, the pain reminded me I was still there I suppose,” Sirius asked.
“Most of them are for you.”

Remus’ eyebrows shot up in response. “For me?” he asked.

Sirius nodded and lifted his sleeve. “See this one is of an oak tree. It reminded me of that old
treehouse we… spent time in,” he chuckled and pulled down his collar. “And the RL just here on
my heart of course,” Remus’ eyes were wide and he reached out a shaky hand to gently touch the
mark on Sirius’ chest. Sirius was surprised he hadn’t noticed it yet, hadn’t realised its significance.
Sirius reached up and slowly began unbuttoning his shirt. Remus watched with rapt attention with
each careful movement. Sirius stood slowly and moved between Remus’ legs until he was resting
against the table facing him. When Sirius finally released the last button and his shirt swung open,
he pulled it aside and showed Remus the line of moons stretching down his torso. “These reminded
me of you, that you were there with me in every state of being.”

Remus inhaled sharply and looked at the expanse of skin, his fingers moved down Sirius’ side and
he shivered with the gentle touch. Remus leaned forwards and kissed them gently, his light caress
shooting a bolt of lightning across Sirius’ body. When Remus had kissed each of the moons, he
moved onto the other tattoos that covered Sirius’ torso, and then further up his chest. Sirius’
breathing quickly became laboured and he looked up at the ceiling to calm his rapidly beating
heart. Remus’ movements only became more frenzied, however and he pushed himself up to meet
Sirius’ mouth in a passionate kiss. He licked into his mouth and pressed his body close to Sirius.
Sirius felt himself be pressed back against the table and his hand reached out behind him to keep
him upright.

“I’ll always be with you,” Remus finally managed to breath out between kisses.
“I know,” Sirius responded. “We’re each other’s happy ending after all.” Remus’ eyes darted up to
meet Sirius’ and they stared at each other for a long moment. It felt like something had shattered
then, the careful gloves they had been handling each other had been torn off and suddenly they
were able to see each other, raw and damaged and fully themselves. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief,
this was it, he realised, this is what coming home really was. Finding themselves in each other’s
arms vulnerable and completely exposed. “I’ve missed you so fucking much,” Sirius finally
managed to breath. Remus launched himself on top of Sirius and he fell back against the table with
the force of it, he gestured wildly and smashed he plates onto the ground. Neither of them cared,
the only sustenance they needed was each other.

Sirius pulled Remus closer to him and began pulling off his shirt, Remus quickly complied and
pulled Sirius’ trousers down in one smooth movement. He climbed on top of the table and eased
out of his own trousers, never once detaching his lips from Sirius lips, his neck, his chest. Sirius
whined as Remus’ body fell flush against his own and he wrapped his legs around the other man.
They moved against each other in the dim flickering light, finding themselves in each other
properly for the first time since Sirius returned.

As the candles began to burn low, casting long shadows against the walls of the cottage, Remus
rutted into Sirius. Sirius heard himself groaning and could feel Remus’ laboured breaths against his
neck. They were so closely pressed together that their bodies moved as one, creaking the table and
causing it to scrape against the floor. Sirius cried out just as Remus swore loudly and came, his
voice a raspy and animalistic roar. They remained on the table for a long time, Remus’ chest was
heaving significantly and Sirius was momentarily worried he might just be hyperventilating.
Eventually Remus looked up into Sirius’ eyes and brushed his sweaty hair out his face.

“I love you Sirius,” he said in a soft voice.

“I love you too,” Sirius replied.

Remus leaned down and kissed the tattoo above Sirius’ heart.

“You’re going to have to give me one of these now,” he said. Sirius laughed heartedly at the visual
of Remus with a tattoo. He quickly realised it was quite appealing image and he decided it was an
absolute necessity.

The next day, they moved back into the cottage properly. Remus didn’t want to kick Harry out of
the room he had once shared with Lily and so he and Sirius made do curled up around each other in
the tiny single bed in the box room. It was only after Sirius accidentally got flung off onto the floor
one night after Remus shifted in his sleep that Remus decided it was about time to start work on
the extension to the cottage.

They packed away Lily’s things, not all of them, and not forever. Remus kept them safely stowed
for Harry when he was older. They took their time with each other, neither one of them pushed the
other too far or pulled too excessively. They took long walks through the village and learned how
to laugh again. They planted roses and yellow tulips in the yard. Remus would visit Lily’s grave
regularly and on occasions Sirius would join him. He’d always bring a bunch of red roses; she had
never actually been that fond of Lilies. Sirius would sit away from the grave and listen as Remus’
voice carried over the cemetery. Remus told Lily about how things were going with the war, about
how fast Harry was growing and how he was slowly adjusting to her absence. He told her about
how Harry had made friends with the dentist’s daughter from the village and how he thought she
would be a good influence on him, although the Weasley boy was awfully jealous. He always
made sure to tell her how missed she was, that they were keeping her memory alive.
Slowly, Remus and Sirius fell back together. Sirius didn’t know when exactly it had happened, but
he would always remember the first day that he noticed it. After two months of building, the
extension to the cottage was finally complete. A small room led off from the sitting room in which
Sirius and Remus created a new bedroom. On a crisp Autumn morning, after a night in the pub
with Mary and Marlene, who had travelled down from London, he woke up to Remus nuzzling into
his shoulder.

“Go back to sleep,” Remus grumbled into him as Sirius wriggled in his hold.

“I’m already awake,” Sirius laughed.

“Urgh,” was Remus’ response. “I’m so fucking hungover.” Remus snuggled closer into Sirius,
pinning his body down with his long lanky limbs and Sirius huffed in amusement at Remus’
affectionate entrapment. He ran a hand through his auburn curls and kissed him lightly on the
forehead. He continued kissing him, on the eyelid, on his neck, on his lips. Soon Remus was
responding, his lips moving even in his sleep. “Oh you’re a fucker,” Remus said finally before
wrapping his arms around Sirius and rolling him over so Sirius was flung on top of him. Sirius
yelped in surprise but couldn’t find it in himself to be too annoyed when Remus’ sleepy smile and
half open eyes were blinking up at him. He kissed him more heatedly then, their bodies quickly
becoming more entangled and their movements more frenzied.

It was only when they heard the front door bang open and some tell-tale tiny footsteps bounding
across the sitting room that their eyes widened in mutual understanding, they quickly jumped away
from each other just as Harry flung the door open with so much power it almost swung back and
hit him.

“Papa!” he shouted as he clambered up into the bed between Sirius and Remus, a birthday card in
his hands.

“Sorry lads,” Monty’s apologetic face peered from around the corner. “Just dropping him home, I
told him to knock.”

Remus laughed and wiped a hand over his face. “Thanks Monty,” he said as Monty waved and
quickly departed the cottage. “What do you have there?” Remus asked Harry.

“It’s a birthday card I made for my daddy,” he said proudly. Sirius looked at the card, it was a
scribble of yellow and red and he just about make out some lettering in the top corner.

“It’s amazing!” Sirius said. “He’ll be so pleased with it.” Harry’s face beamed and he jumped into
Sirius, blasting the air out of him.

“It’s wonderful Harry,” Remus said, bending down to kiss him on the forehead. Sirius leaned back
against the headboard and allowed Harry to rest against him. Remus took the opportunity and
cuddled in close, wrapping a protective arm around both Harry and Sirius. He quickly fell back
asleep and Harry picked up on the mood quickly, his own eyes fluttering closed against Sirius’
chest.

Sirius sat there for a long time, watching Harry and Remus snore in the large oak bed in the
bedroom they had built together. A gentle breeze blew through window, waving the cotton curtains
gently as birdsong filtered in from the trees outside. It was the first moment he understood that he
had actually escaped that damned place. He had made it home.

Christmas came and went, it was undoubtedly the best Christmas Sirius had for a long time, but
James and Regulus’ presences were noticeably absent. They did receive a card from them both,
which eased their anxieties somewhat.

The Allies continued to win their battles, and they steadily moved forwards through Europe. There
was a growing murmur of hope and it was palpable in everybody’s movements and every
interaction. Sirius noticed that people smiled more, they laughed more, they talked of the future
beyond the next few days and weeks. When James’ yellow tulips had shown their faces in the
spring of 1945, the news came that Hitler was dead. Remus, Sirius, Mary and the Potters had been
sat in the sitting room after hearing of an imminent announcement. They sat in silence for a long
time, their dumbstruck faces unable to quite take in the monumental news. Sirius fell back on the
settee and stared across the room. After everything they’d been through, there was a small part of
him that felt cheated. Cheated that he’d taken the cowards way out, had never had to face the
humiliation that was so deserved. It was Remus who broke the silence when he began laughing, a
small chuckle that turned into a full bodied laugh. Mary began giggling nervously and looked at
Sirius to gauge his reaction. Before long, Remus was bent over, hysterically gasping for air and the
atmosphere quickly descended into a fit of hysterical cackling. By the time they’d all calmed
down, they had tears running down their cheeks. Sirius wasn’t sure if it was from relief or
resentment for the five years and futures stolen, but he couldn’t’ find it in himself to care. Things
happened quickly then, after the loss of the tyrannical leader, the war could only last for not much
longer than a week.

On a sunny day in May, Sirius was outside the cottage, attempting to keep Lily’s window boxes
alive. He had turned away from Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who he was supposed to be watching,
for only a mere few minutes when they had all disappeared. Sirius ran around the yard frantically
searching for the group of four-year-olds when he heard some distant giggling from the inside of a
shed. He breathed a sigh of relief and opened the door to find all three of them holding hands and
standing in a ring around a dead fieldmouse.

“What on earth are you doing?” Sirius asked, not sure what part of the strange situation he should
address first. All three faces turned to him with a look of guilt and surprise. Harry shifted nervously
on his feet and then met Sirius’ eye.

“Hello Uncle Padfoot,” he said, his eyes wide and innocent. Sirius had long learned to avoid falling
for his tricks of cuteness and charm and so he folded his arms and waited for a proper response.
“We were doing spells to make it alive. Papa told me them because he’s a wizard.” Hermione
giggled from behind Harry, they were still all holding hands and Sirius honestly didn’t know why
he ever thought that the little girl would be a good influence. It appeared that her intelligence had
only elevated the boys’ desire for mischief.

“He didn’t teach you those spells,” Sirius said. “I know, because I am also a wizard and there is no
such spell.”

Harry looked slightly taken aback by this and he glanced at his two friends, he bit his bottom lip
and Sirius could tell he was trying not to cry. Sirius felt immediately guilty and the thought that this
might be more than an overactive imagination crossed his mind. He bent down in front of Harry
and spoke in a much softer voice.

“Why were you trying to make it alive again?”

Harry hesitated for a moment, and he stared at his feet for a long time.

“Practice,” he finally said in a tiny voice.

“Practice for what?”

“So we can do it for mama,” he finally admitted. Sirius felt all the air leave him at once and he felt
like the most awful person in the world that he hadn’t immediately realised what his motive had
been.

“Oh Harry,” he said, bringing Harry close to him and embracing him tightly. “I’m so sorry. It
won’t work, once someone is gone, there’s no bringing them back no matter how much we miss
them.” Harry nodded against his chest and began crying, he clutched hold of Sirius’ jumper tightly.
Harry’s crying quickly triggered both Ron and Hermione to do the same and so Sirius had no
choice but to wrap all three in his arms as they sobbed against him.

“What’s happened here?” Remus’ alarmed voice interrupted them from the doorway of the shed.
Sirius gave him a knowing look that he’d explain it later. He noticed Remus’ chest was rising and
falling slightly as if he’d been running and Sirius was immediately alarmed.

“What happened?” he asked urgently. Remus’ eyes glanced across the children and the mouse
apprehensively but finally turned to lock onto Sirius, there was a gleam of joy in his expression.

“It’s over,” Remus breathed out. “Just now, on the wireless. They’ve signed the surrender.”

The following day was announced as a national holiday as the entire country celebrated the end of
the war. The official ceasefire wouldn’t come into effect until ten pm UK time, but the surrender
had been signed and they all let out a communal breath of relief. They crowded around the small
television Monty had recently acquired and watched the grainy black and white pictures of people
out in the streets of London, Liverpool, and Glasgow celebrating the end of the war. Thousands of
people flooded into Leicester Square and their local pubs to rejoice.

On the afternoon of the eighth of May, Sirius and Remus joined the throngs of villagers at the Bull
and Crown after dropping the kids off with the Potters. Mary had come in from Bath and the mood
was extremely festive. It seemed like almost everyone had turned up at the pub in the centre of the
village and had proceeded to get very drunk, never mind that it was Tuesday. Nobody was
expecting to work in the morning. They sang and drank as they waited for the countdown to ten
pm.

Remus had an arm around both Sirius and Mary and they sung heartedly to the pub songs in an
unusual display of vivacity. When the pub began singing along to the wireless’ crooning ‘We’ll
meet again’ Sirius’ eyes met Remus’ and they grinned at each other. Sirius’ hand clenched Remus’
tightly in the packed pub and he felt like the past five years had suddenly been washed away. He
was nineteen again and had just found everything he ever wanted. As the clock counted down to
ten, Sirius pulled Remus outside the pub.

He nestled them into a dark alcove at the back of the pub and attacked Remus’ lips with his own.
He felt Remus’ breath puff out in amusement, but Remus didn’t move to stop him, he wrapped his
arms around Sirius and kissed him back.

“What’s gotten into you?” Remus laughed as he spun Sirius around and pushed him further into the
wall. They could hear the countdown from inside and the cheering as the clock hit ten. Sirius
barely noticed; he was too wrapped up in Remus’ arms. They stayed like that, snogging like
teenagers for a long time, even as the singing picked back up and the boisterous noise inside
continued. Sirius didn’t think he’d ever want to be anywhere else than right there in Remus’ arms.

Sirius’ hands moved down Remus’ body and he felt Remus shift against him with the increased
heat in their movements. He pressed himself closer to the other man and his heart was beating
rapidly. It was beating so rapidly it shocked him when he felt a jolt, like an elastic band snapping
inside his chest. His stomach dropped and he gasped against Remus’ mouth.

“Are you okay?” Remus asked, noticing his sudden tenseness.

Sirius shook himself slightly and looked up into Remus’ wide amber eyes, he thought about the
first time he saw them peering up at him from the floor of the hideaway when he was thirteen years
old. He remembered how jealous he’d been of James’ other friend and how all his worries had
melted away when he saw those curious eyes and floppy hair.

“We have the rest of our lives together Moony,” Sirius said, breathing out the words like it was the
first time they’d occurred to him.

Remus grinned and pressed against Sirius tighter. “We do,” he said.
 Chapter 44
Chapter Notes

CW in the end notes!

See the end of the chapter for more notes

James

The past few months have been some of the hardest I’ve known since the war began. It’s been
obvious that the Germans were losing for some time, but it only appears to have intensified the
resistance. At least until the last couple of weeks that is. The entire push into Europe has been
some of the bloodiest and most brutal fighting I’ve encountered. Now that we’ve entered Germany,
the mood has shifted and people are starting to celebrate. There are some awful stories filtering
through about what other regiments have been discovering, camps filled with death and the most
depraved levels of evil I’ve ever heard. I would have struggled to believe it to be true if I hadn’t
looked in the eyes of some of the officers. There is pure hatred there, evil that I’ve never seen
before. I can’t even imagine what more we’re going to learn.

I truly hope you never have to face anything remotely close to this. To anything I’ve had to witness
over the past few years. I suppose this must be how my own father felt, what he wished for me
when I was your age. I sometimes wonder if this is just the way of the world now? A never-ending
wheel of suffering we’re doomed to repeat. In twenty years, will you have to face some new enemy?
Will you be called into some fight you’ve no understanding of and no hand in creating?

I’m sure you’ve heard enough from me now. I’ve been writing in this damn diary since nearly the
day I met you for the first time. I figure I’ll give it to you one day when you’re old enough, but I’m
sure you’ll have no interest in some rambling words from your old man.

I’ve been getting dribs and drabs of news from home. Remus sent me a photo of you all at
Christmas. You looked great in your Christmas jumper that mum must have knitted for you. I’m
already cooking up some plans for what to get you for this year. I’m going to try my best not to
spoil you rotten but I already know that’s a losing battle. Reg said that you’ll end up like one of the
pompous brats we went to school with if I have it my way. I don’t believe it. Remus would never let
you turn into a toff in any case.

That’s one thing that has made this last year more bearable, Reg has been by my side the entire
time. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about any of your dad and Uncle Reg’s romantic exploits, but
it’s so good to have him close. For so much of the war we were separated. We all were, Sirius,
Remus, me and Reg. I don’t think any of us were ever really whole for a long time because of it.
He’s so excited to get to know you too. I can’t wait to see how he handles being around a toddler.
Do you call him Uncle Reg I wonder? Dad maybe? Although you’ll have plenty of those so that
might be a bit confusing.

I hope these stories I’ve told you will help you to understand me a little better. I’m sure that when
you’re a teenager you’ll find me annoying and I won’t understand a thing about you. But I hope it
might help you to hear that I was once just like you. Young and afraid and just trying to do my best.
That’s all I want from you, just fill your days with sunshine, don’t let love pass you by, and most of
all, do your very best.
Do we still speak of Lily every day? It’s a promise I made to her before we returned to Europe, that
I’d make sure you knew her entirely. She was so beautiful, kind, and impulsive. She was so creative
too and had such ambition for her life. I have no doubt she would have achieved anything she put
her mind to. My dad, granddad to you I guess, said that we should speak of people who are gone
exactly as they were, flaws and all. Although I’ve been wracking my brain and I can’t think of a
single flaw to tell you about.

Maybe her singing, she did sound like two cats stuck in a sack when she sung. But she did love to
sing, and she would do it with her chest and with no consideration for how she looked or what
others might think of her, so I suppose even that wasn’t really a flaw. It’s unimaginably unfair that
you will grow up without her. She was the best of all of us. A part of me thinks I knew that way
back before any of us knew the world would fall for a second time. That maybe she was the key to
something, the key to finding you. Although maybe that’s my own arrogance. I hope I’ve managed
to do her memory justice, that you know her. Because she was something fierce.

With any luck this may be one of the last entries in this diary. The ceasefire has been announced,
the war is over. This evening at eleven pm Europe will drop their weapons and I’ll come home to
you. I’m ready to start making up for lost time. Remember Harry, if you forget anything else I ever
tell you, the one thing you’ll never regret, the one thing that is all a man should hope for, is that he
was kind. I hope I’m still kind when you read this. If not, well then please do remind me.

I love you. Your father, James.

James closed his diary and stroked the fraying edges gently. He was crouched low next to a
campfire somewhere in the south of Germany. They had breeched the border only weeks earlier
and things quickly came tumbling down after that. There was still some fighting happening, the
last holdouts of the war battling to resist being taken prisoner. He stood up and shoved his diary
into the inside of his jacket and walked over to Frank who was speaking casually with a sergeant.
Frank looked up when James approached and the sergeant wandered away.

“Alright James?” he asked.

“Couldn’t be better,” James replied. Frank’s face broke into a wide grin and they began walking
through the camp and towards the town they had entered that morning. “When do you think we’ll
be sent home?”

“Can’t be certain, but I don’t think it’ll be long.” Frank replied. “They’ll need people to stay on
longer, but I think most of the conscripts will be let go.”

“What about you?” James asked. He wasn’t sure what Frank would respond. At the start of the
war, James remembered how enthusiastic Frank had been to get involved, how he had wanted to
fight and climb the ranks. James wasn’t sure when it had happened but he realised that motivation
had dwindled along the way. Frank shrugged, clearly he was thinking the same.

“I don’t know. I thought I wanted to be part of it. That I could make my career in the army. But
quite frankly that’s the last bloody thing I want anymore,” he huffed slightly. “Funny how time can
change you. When I was twenty all I wanted was action, to be part of the excitement. Now all I can
dream of is a quiet life with Alice and a happy home. Maybe a son like you,” he said, playfully
shoving James with his shoulder.

“I know what you mean. Not that I ever wanted to be here in the first place. If they’re looking for
volunteers to stay on, they’ll not find one in me.”
“The American’s aren’t done,” Frank said after a moment. That was the big unspoken thing that
people had been avoiding. James thought people didn’t like to talk about it because everyone was
secretly scared that it was something that they’d be dragged into too. “I was speaking to a Yank the
other day. He’s being shipped off to the Pacific apparently.” James sucked his air through his teeth
and looked around him. The German town in the distance, the green fields and thick forests
weren’t a million miles away from his home in England, it felt like he was close. Certainly closer
than he ever felt in the desert. He couldn’t imagine the effect being sent so far away would have on
his morale. For want of anything reassuring to say, James murmured low and continued trudging
forwards. He spotted Regulus up ahead, helping another man lug a tire onto a jeep.

“Going to take up work as a mechanic, are you?” James teased as they approached. Regulus rolled
his eyes but couldn’t hide his smile as he heaved the heavy tire onto the Jeep’s frame. He stood and
wiped his forehead with the back of his arm. He had removed his jacket and his sleeves were rolled
up, the top two buttons of his shirt were open revealing an expanse of pale skin. James’ breath was
pulled out from him at the sight. He wasn’t sure how Regulus still had that effect on him after all
this time. It seemed like every day he would do something, some small movement of his arm, or a
new expression, and James would feel like he was seeing him again for the first time.

“What are you up to?” Regulus asked.

“Got to check out some of the houses in town and that farmhouse down the lane there,” James
indicated down a long country lane to a farmhouse that was nestled into the trees. “Make sure
there’s no soldiers hiding out that we missed.”

James jolted his head to the side, indicating for Regulus to join him. Frank stayed behind with the
Jeep as James and Regulus continued their walk.

“Only three hours to go,” he said with a grin, Regulus grinned widely back at him.

“I won’t believe it until we’re back on British soil. Even then, I’m not sure I will.”

“He’s dead, it’s been signed. Three hours and the war is done. I heard on the radio, apparently
they’ve been given a holiday back home. VE day they’re calling it. There are thousands of people
on the streets, from the palace to Covent Garden.” Regulus shook his head in disbelief. “We’re so
close,” James said. He glanced behind him in the waning light of the evening to check if anyone
was watching and hooked a finger around Regulus’ just like he had all those years ago on their first
night in the training camp. “I told you Reg, I’ll be by your side until the end.”

Regulus’ face lit up and James saw his future in every tired line, in his thick brows and long lashes,
in the way he smiled and no longer seemed surprised about it.

“I love you,” Regulus said quietly, and James repeated the words back in a sacred whisper.

Regulus left him to continue his work on the vehicles and James helped the other soldiers secure
the town. Once James had cleared the village and they’d found a few straggling soldiers hiding out
in the back gardens and barns of the unoccupied houses, he wandered down the long country lane
to the farmhouse that sat just on the edge of the town. It wasn’t so far away that he was isolated, he
could still hear the uproarious laughter and excitement from the troops in the camp close to the
village. The lights of the fires created an orange glow in the near distance that lit up against the
dark sky. It was a clear and warm May evening and James felt relaxed for the first time in a long
time.

He approached the old farmhouse and assessed it from the outside. Half of the roof was missing,
and it was incredibly unlikely that anyone would have thought to take shelter there, he thought.
The windows were dark, and the glass had been blown out. The yellowing curtains billowed out in
the soft breeze. James approached the house and the door opened easily at his touch, he stepped
inside, and the door swung closed behind him as a gust of wind from one of the shattered windows
blew through the house. He carefully tread his way through each room, confirming that they were
empty.

He made his way back into the living room and looked around himself, the cold breeze left an
eerily inhospitable atmosphere in the place, but he could see it had once been a home. The peeling
wallpaper was flowery and colourful, there were children’s scribbles marking the bottom of the
wall. Photo frames were positioned above a large hearth and were hanging lopsided on their nails.
James looked at his watch and watched the seconds countdown to eleven.

On the strike of eleven he exhaled heavily, he could hear cheering and gunshots in the distance and
relief flooded his entire body. He removed his rifle from his body and leaned it against the wall
before sinking into the dusty sofa. He wiped his hands over his face and groaned. It was over.

He wondered what they might be doing at home, would his friends and family be at the pub
together singing and celebrating? Would his parents sleep through the night for the first time in
years? He thought about Harry and how he’d likely have very few memories of the dark days of his
early years. He sunk into the sofa and let his muscles relax, he would go and find Regulus in a
moment and they’d find some dark corner to hide in to celebrate the fateful moment together, but
there was no rush. They had the rest of their lives together.

There was a creak from the porch outside the house and James lifted his head from where it rested
on the sofa. It crossed his mind that one of the other soldiers had come to look for him. He sighed
deeply and stood, making his way out towards the front door to see who was there. It didn’t occur
to him to bring his weapon.

James opened the door and was faced with the barrel of a rifle and a terrified face. James staggered
back and raised his hands in surrender. There was a young German soldier facing him, his eyes
were wide and diluted, James could see that his hands were shaking. He looked young, extremely
young, too young to be in a uniform. He was pointing his gun at James and rambling, James
couldn’t make out the words.

“It’s okay,” James said in a calm voice. “It’s over now, it’s done,” he said.

The boy’s eyebrows pinched slightly as he tried to understand James’ words. James carefully
pointed to his watch, trying to indicate the time. “It’s eleven, the war is over,” he said.

The soldier inhaled sharply, fear still evident on his face. He hesitated a moment, frowning at
James’ presence. He was obviously scared and James didn’t think he understood what James was
trying to tell him. He must have been hidden away in one of the barns, who knows how long he
had been there. The soldier lowered his rifle slightly as James smiled at him gently, his hands
raised in front of him in a pacifying gesture.

A loud bang, probably a gunshot or a backfiring Jeep, reverberated downwind from somewhere
outside and they both jolted in shock. A second bang, much closer this time, echoed around the
corridor and the boy gasped. He looked at James with wild, frightened eyes before lurching
backwards and running into the night.

James didn’t understand what happened at first, he watched the young man sprint away from him
and wondered what had startled him. He took a staggered step back and clutched on to the stairs
railing behind him as he suddenly felt uneasy on his feet. He looked down at his torso, a hot pain
had begun radiating from his stomach and he pressed his hand to a dark stain that was quickly
spreading across his uniform. His hand quickly became coated in crimson blood. He stumbled back
again and leaned heavily against the wall. His head was getting light, and his breaths were getting
shorter. In some distant part of his mind it occurred to him that he’d been shot, but it didn’t make
sense. The war was over, he was going home.

He frowned and stumbled towards the door and made his way out onto the dark lane leading to the
village. He was going home. He’d go and tell Frank he needed some bandages and then he’d be on
a boat and he was going home. He took several steps towards the twinkling lights of the town in
the distance before his legs began to drag. He shook his head to clear it, it didn’t make sense. He
took several more staggering steps before he buckled onto his knees. His entire stomach was
stained a dark colour now and the pain was becoming difficult to ignore.

He sat down and attempted to steady his breathing. He’d rest a moment, gather his strength and
then he’d be going home. He began to become extremely lightheaded and extremely tired. He
needed to sleep, just to rest for a few moments while he waited. James collapsed onto his back and
clutched the locket around his neck. He looked up at the sky and confusion descended upon him.
He didn’t quite understand what had happened, why he was lying in the courtyard of an abandoned
farmhouse so far from home.

He was feeling sleepy, and the pain was preventing him from moving his legs. He’d rest a little
while, and then he’d find Regulus back at the camp. They’d stich him up and he’d be back on a
boat within days. He just needed to rest for a little a while.

The stars peered down at James and watched as the young man’s rapidly dimming light shone right
back at them. James searched the swirling galaxies above him and found Sirius, a steady presence
in the sky, and with him until the end. The moon was full that night. Its luminescent glow didn’t
dim Sirius’ bright light, it simply heightened the radiance of the Milky Way.

James’ breathing became laboured, the wound had stopped hurting, he could feel the warm trickle
of blood coating his hand where he clutched his stomach. His eyes darted across the sky, and he
found his star. Regulus was blinking down at him, it appeared to be getting closer, as if it was
hurtling down towards him. A million miles away the blue star was crashing towards earth, a
determined path reaching out across the cosmos, attempting to guide James home. James felt that
maybe if he could just reach up and touch it, it would be able to make it to him in time. He raised a
shaky arm to the heavens, clasping desperately for the eternity he had laid out before him.

James’ eyes focused on the flickering star until he couldn’t hold his arm up any longer, until his
eyes started to droop closed and his body felt numb. The sound of gunfire in the distance, for once
not in the name of killing. But young men shooting bullets into the sky, a final cathartic release of
all their joy and sorrow and sour relief as the long war came to an end.

“Oh darling, we were so close,” James whispered with a raspy breath.

James’ eyes fluttered closed a final time and he was on a hillside in the West of England. Two men
sat together watching as a pair of nightingales danced across the bright blue sky. An infinite
number of lives swirled around them, silk ribbons that weaved their way together and apart,
entwining the men in each short strand. He was falling then, and he clung on to the fraying fibres
of his hopeless futures that spun around him like rain in a hurricane and he was hurting, and loving,
and healing, and dying. He was lonely and loved, and the blazing brightness of his son’s sweet
laughter outshone it all.

James’ final thought was that of a pair of large vivid green eyes. Innocent eyes that would never be
corrupted by the horrors he had witnessed. The thought brought a final soft comfort. He exhaled a
 final breath into the still night air.

Across the sky, entire galaxies watched in horror as a distant sun faded out of existence.

Chapter End Notes

CW: Main character death

I'm sorry :(
 Chapter 45

Regulus

Regulus wasn’t sure how he’d gotten roped in to fixing the Jeeps all evening. He’d stopped to help
a soldier replace the tire on one of them and before he knew it he was repairing a line of run down
vehicles that were on their last legs. He supposed it would make transporting the men back home
easier and so he didn’t mind. For one thing, it was work that didn’t involve using his weapon. He
had vowed to himself that he would never hold another gun in his hands for as long as he lived.
They’d been in Germany for a few weeks and the war had finally come to an end. While they were
still rounding up soldiers from the town they had stopped in on news of the ceasefire, the mood in
the camp had shifted. People were celebrating, relaxing more and even the sergeants weren’t being
as strict with soldiers who were shirking their usual duties.

He had just finished dragging a barrel of petrol across the village when he noticed crowds of
soldiers grouped together staring at their watches. He looked down at his own and noticed the
time. He watched as the seconds ticked down to eleven. He felt like something monumental should
have happened when the small hand crossed that impossible line, as if the clock itself should have
stopped to mark the occasion. It didn’t, it kept ticking on, oblivious to the way in which the world
had shifted in that moment. He scanned the camp for a sign of James, he wasn’t anywhere to be
seen. He spotted Frank up ahead, lounging by a wall and laughing heartedly with another soldier.

“Have you seen James about?” he asked Frank as he approached. Frank gulped the sip of whiskey
he’d just taken and shook his head.

“Not for a while, no,” he said. “I think he was doing some final walk throughs.”

One of the Jeeps backfired loudly, and Regulus felt himself flinch instinctively at the noise. There
was another distant boom that Regulus assumed was another vehicle doing the same. He frowned
and looked across the village. Surely James should be done by now, he thought. Suddenly, Regulus
remembered what James had told him earlier.

“He said he was going to check out that farmhouse,” Regulus said. “I’ll go see if he needs help.”
Frank nodded and Regulus quickly turned away. He walked through the campfires and the throngs
of soldiers laughing and singing and shooting their bullets into the air. He couldn’t help but smile,
for the first time in a long time their rowdy enthusiasm was warranted, and Regulus felt himself
caught up in the excitement of it all. He moved through the camp until he reached the edge of the
village. There was a small lane that led to a house not too far from the camp. The road was dark
and hemmed in by hedges on both sides. Regulus walked down it slowly, he looked up at the sky
above. It was a remarkably clear night and Regulus was taken aback to see several shooting stars
burn their way through the atmosphere. He watched as they flashed brilliantly across the sky
before fading away.

As Regulus approached the farmhouse, he couldn’t make out any sign of James. From a distance it
looked dark and empty, lit up only by the moon above. His gaze scanned the house and the
courtyard outside of it and he felt the hair on his neck stand up with an eerie chill. That’s when he
noticed it, a dark shadow lying in the centre of the yard. He paused and studied it carefully from a
distance, trying to make out its form in the gloomy light.

When it didn’t move, he approached slowly, keeping his eyes focused on the shadow and his
peripheral senses heightened for any sign of danger. When he had almost made it to the end of the
lane a glint of light caught his eye from the dark figure. His eyes finally adjusted to the darkness
and he was able to make out the features. It was a person, it was James.

Regulus threw himself forwards without a moment of hesitation. He sprinted towards James,
screaming his name, and threw himself down besides his limp form. He landed heavily on his
knees and scanned his body desperately.

“James? James what happened?” he asked frantically. He placed an ear to his chest and he brought
his fingers to his neck to feel for a pulse. He couldn’t find one. James was still warm, his eyes were
closed, he looked like he was sleeping. Regulus’ stomach swirled and he grabbed hold of James,
shaking him violently to get him to wake up. There was blood everywhere, it stained the stone
ground beneath them and quickly covered Regulus’ hands. Regulus could hear someone scream, it
might have been his voice but he couldn’t be sure. The entire world had dulled to a low throb, and
he could only hear the low pulsing of blood pumping through his body. “No no no, please don’t do
this James,” Regulus begged. His face was wet with tears, his hands were shaking, and he didn’t
know what to do. He held James in his arms and screamed for help. He screamed until his throat
was hoarse and even then, when the only sound he could make was broken and harrowing rasp, he
continued screaming.

People came thundering down the lane eventually, Regulus wasn’t sure who it was or when it
happened. He was only vaguely aware of someone pulling him away from James. He struggled out
of their hold and threw himself back down, clinging to the lifeless frame with all his strength. He
buried his face into James’ neck and grasped onto him with every ounce of strength he had left in
his body.

“I take it back James,” he sobbed. “I take it back, please don’t break my heart. I didn’t mean it,
please.”

It didn’t matter, nothing mattered. Regulus’ whole world crumbled in a single moment. Frank was
there among the mass of people. Some men had run into the house and around the grounds looking
for whoever who had done this to James. Frank dropped to his knees besides Regulus and stared at
James with sunken eyes. He wrapped an arm around Regulus and pulled him into his body, not
caring about the blood that was now covering them both.

Regulus wouldn’t remember the next few hours; they were a blur of noise and pain and utter
shock. He had been led into the medical tent at some point and given an injection. He felt himself
drift to sleep and he hoped he wouldn’t wake up. He did wake up, however. He woke with a pained
and primal scream that echoed around the entire camp. A medic ran in and sedated Regulus once
again.

Regulus blinked his eyes open to the harsh light of day, he was lying in a small bed in the medical
tent. For one blissful moment he was too drowsy and confused to understand where he was and
what had happened. In one devastating gut punch, he remembered. He choked on his next breath as
he felt himself retch, he curled onto his side and proceeded to vomit into a bowl that someone had
quickly placed beneath his face. He looked up with unsteady eyes and saw Franks’ sympathetic
face watching him from his position next to the bed.

“Where is he?” Regulus demanded as he sat up and pulled the thin cover from off of him. He
jumped off the bed and swayed slightly, the sedative still making his movements lazy and slow.
Frank held him steady by his shoulders and gently pushed Regulus so he was forced to sit back
down on the bed.

“He’s safe. They’re getting him ready to bring him home,” Frank said, the crack in voice betraying
his emotion. Regulus gasped as he thought about James’ body lying somewhere in the camp alone.
Without him.

“I need to go to him,” he said through a broken sob. “What happened? What happened Frank, tell
me.”

Frank took a step back and wiped a hand over his face. Regulus could see that his eyes were red
and he had deep dark rings beneath them. He was shaking slightly, and Regulus knew that he
hadn’t been to sleep.

“It was a young guy, some kid who got scared. We found him hiding in the woods. He said his gun
went off by accident, he didn’t mean to pull the trigger.”

“Bullshit,” Regulus said, rage rising in him now. His fingers scrunched into the sheets beneath him
as he made a silent plan to find the man and kill him with his bare hands.

“Regulus, think of James, not of revenge. The kid has already lost.”

“What has he lost?” Regulus said slightly hysterically. “He hasn’t lost anything, not a fucking
thing!” His voice rose to a scream with the last words and Regulus saw Frank flinch. He collapsed
forwards, bent at the hip and took a few steadying breaths as he thought he might be sick again. He
felt Frank’s reassuring hand on his back. “How can he be gone?” Regulus finally whimpered.

“I don’t know Reg,” Frank said, his voice was filled with uncharacteristic emotion and Regulus
glanced up to see that Frank was now crying too. Frank wrapped his arms around Regulus and he
allowed him to do it. “I’m going to come back with you. Make sure you both get home, okay?”

The funeral was held on a hot and sunny day in Godric’s Hollow. Regulus resented it, that the sun
should shine, that it should ever even dare to rise again. They gathered at the church as prayers
were said and hymns were sung. Remus gave the eulogy, nobody else had the strength. He spoke
of their time as children, the way James had always helped his friends. He spoke of James’ bright
smile, his instinct for mischief, his loyalty, and the unending depth of his heart. He spoke of how
James was. Was. Was. Was. Regulus wanted to be sick with every terrible syllable. Because James
was kind and generous and smart and funny and handsome and every other fucking cliché, and he
would never be any of those things again.

James’ coffin rested on the shoulders of the people who owed him so much as they left the church.
They marched forwards with a last act of gratitude that would never be enough. Remus and Sirius
stood at the front of the coffin, his two brothers taking the lead. Frank and Regulus stood behind
them, the heavy burden placed on their shoulders for a final time. Monty and Marlene stood at the
back of the coffin and the six of them led the procession of mourners from the church to the
graveyard. Regulus focused on the back of Sirius’ head, the feeling of Frank’s arm wrapped around
his own and the heavy weight pressing onto his shoulder. His vision was blurry, and he couldn’t
hear anything else, all he could focus on was the way Sirius’ hair was blowing gently in the wind.

He watched the coffin lower into the ground and he wanted to scream. He wanted to beg and plead
for them not to do it; he didn’t deserve be down there. It looked cold and lonely, and he deserved to
be in the sun. But Regulus couldn’t move his face, his throat was tense and the muscles frozen. His
arms hung limply by his sides, and he could nothing other than watch. He glanced up at Lily’s
grave, only a few feet away with fresh roses adorning the flat earth.

Remus held Harry in his arms as the soil fell on top of James and his body was shaking with
emotion. Harry was crying too, not the loud piercing cries of a toddler, but the silent sorrowful tears
of someone who had already seen too much death in his short lifetime. Regulus didn’t know if
Harry really understood what had happened, the magnitude of what he had lost, but he clearly
understood the grief that was surrounding him. Sirius had barely spoken since Regulus had
returned. He had only left the cottage for the first time that morning and Regulus could see the dark
circles and grey skin indicating that he was coping about well as Regulus was.

They returned to the manor for the wake and Regulus sat quietly in the corner of the sitting room
drinking glass after glass of wine. He stared vacantly at the wall in front of him, still unable to
move or talk or even think. Effie eventually came and sat beside him, she didn’t say anything but
simply sat with him as the low murmurs of the other grievers continued swirling around them.
After several long minutes of their quiet contemplation, Regulus finally found the strength to
speak.

“It’s my fault,” he said in a weak voice. Effie’s eyes widened in surprise and she searched his face
for an explanation. “He shouldn’t have gone to that house alone; I should have gone with him. It
didn’t mater that we thought we were safe. I should have been there.” He took a deep breath and
darted his eyes away from Effie’s. He didn’t want to see the betrayal, the hate in her eyes as she
realised that he could have prevented this, that it should have been him instead. There was a long
moment where all Regulus could hear was his own breathing and the loud ticking of the clock in
the corner of the room before he felt Effie’s hand rest gently on his arm.

“It wasn’t your fault,” she said in a kind but firm voice. Regulus looked at her again, her eyes were
red and shining but she kept them focused on him. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It just… it just
happened.” She swallowed and Regulus felt a wash of guilt once again, she shouldn’t have to be
feeling this pain, she should never have had to bury her only son.

“It was… it was over,” he said pathetically. “He was so strong and so brave, and better than us all.
And it wasn’t for anything. He didn’t die in a battle, he didn’t die protecting anyone. What was it
for?” he asked her pleadingly, he genuinely wanted to know. What was the reason? Why, after all
they had been through, after everything James had survived, had it been that.

Effie shook her head and brushed a hair away from Regulus’ face. “It wasn’t for anything,” she
said, confirming Regulus’ fear. She paused and her brows furrowed for a moment as she
considered her next words. “But it wouldn’t have been for anything even if he had died in battle.
Even if he’d been killed protecting us all. Because there’s not one godforsaken reason why
someone so young should be taken away so soon. There’s never a good reason for that.”

Regulus bit his lip as he tried not to sob. “I’m sorry Effie,” he said through a shaky breath. “That I
didn’t protect him.” Effie shook her head again and shushed him softly before pulling him close to
her body. He let himself go, flopping against her and accepting the feeling of being held by a
mother for the first time in life.

“It wasn’t your job to protect him Regulus. It was your job to love him. And you did.” She looked
him in the eye and smiled. “And you brought the most important part of him home to me.” She
rested a hand over Regulus’ heart and closed her eyes, clearly trying to temper a wave of emotion.
She opened her eyes after a moment and focused on Regulus. “You brought his heart back. Protect
that. Keep it beating for him, keep it full.”

Regulus swallowed, there was a thick lump in his throat, and it was painful. He nodded and
couldn’t say another thing for fear of sobbing.

As people continued milling about the manor speaking in low voices about how sorry they were,
about what an awful thing it was, Regulus felt his skin begin to itch. He couldn’t bare it, not for a
moment longer, and so he slipped out of the large patio doors and began walking across the wide
lawn. His eyes glanced towards the patch of grass he had stargazed on all those years ago. The
place he had leaned over and kissed James for the first time. He could almost hear the echo of his
teasing voice calling after a bumbling James, ‘If you change your mind, you know where I am.’

He walked down the lawn and towards the hideaway. He saw James walking with a swagger
ahead, pulling his collar up and swigging from his hipflask. He saw the flash of his eyes as he
turned and looked at Regulus, “Cheer up, it might never happen.” He passed the hideaway and
heard the memory of laughter filtering from within the empty shed. He glanced towards the
horizon, to the gleaming yellow fields of wheat. He could hear the roll of thunder and feel the
blessed relief of rain on his skin after a drought. “C’mon, we better run!”

Regulus walked across the grounds and found himself by the swimming lake. It was an extremely
hot day and he rolled up his trousers. He sat at the end of the pier allowing his feet to dangle in the
cool water below. He looked up and across the pond to the other bank and he remembered the way
James had laid there and stared at him while he swam with Lily. Regulus could remember the
heated and glassy look James watched him with, he remembered deciding he was going kiss him.
The memory was so vivid Regulus was sure that he could actually see James there, his hair wild
and his eyes sparkling. That familiar grin glinting in the sun as Lily’s laugh drifted over the wind.

Footsteps approached Regulus from behind, disturbing him from his daydream and the visage of
James on the opposite bank quickly dissolved. Sirius sat next to him, he rolled up his own trousers
and dangled his feet into the water besides him. Neither man said anything for a long time, they
swished their feet in the cool water creating large ripples that expanded out from the pier. Sirius
flicked his leg up creating a small wave to ripple out across the pond. Some brotherly instinct made
Regulus immediately do the same in order to cut off Sirius’ satisfying patterns.

“Oi,” Sirius huffed before splashing both feet to create an even larger wave. Regulus swished his
leg in a wide circle to eradicate any trace of Sirius’ wave. “Stop it,” Sirius said irritably, using his
own leg to now swoop a wave of water directly towards Regulus. Regulus yanked his legs out of
the water just in time for his trousers to avoid being splashed. He chuckled and bent down, he
cupped his hands and scooped a handful of water to throw at Sirius’ face.

Sirius looked taken aback, he blinked for a few moments and then dramatically wiped his face
even though it had barely been a few drops. “You little bastard,” he said. Bending down to scoop
up his own handful of water to retaliate. Regulus didn’t know what came over him, he placed a
hand on Sirius’ back as he was bent forwards and pushed. Sirius squawked as he flayed his arms
and landed in the pond. Regulus gasped, shocked by his own impulsivity and he immediately
regretted his actions. Sirius spluttered to the surface a moment later, pushing the hair out of his face
and glaring at Regulus. “What the actual fuck Reg?”

"Sorry." Regulus reached out a guilty hand to help lift Sirius back onto the pier. Sirius took it
gladly and Regulus spotted the glint of revenge in his eye a moment too late as he too was pulled
into the water. He hit the refreshingly cool lake with a splash and the world dimmed to a gentle
bubble for a few blissful moments before he rose to the surface. Regulus and Sirius tread water for
a moment, looking at each other with shocked expressions. He had expected Sirius to come and
talk to him, to speak about James and the way their hearts had been ripped out and left to rot.
Somehow, they had both ended up in the lake in their Sunday best. Regulus clenched his mouth as
he tried not to laugh, the sheer inappropriateness of the situation overtook him and tried
desperately to gain control of himself. He could see Sirius was struggling to do the same. At the
same moment they both burst into laughter and began splashing each other violently. Sirius
launched himself on top of Regulus, dunking him below the surface as Regulus twisted in his hold
and attempted to push him under.
“What the fuck?” he heard a voice filter across the pond and both Regulus and Sirius turned to spot
Remus, Marlene, and Mary standing by the pond’s edge. There were people in the distance, milling
in and out of the manor in their black suits and dresses. A few people had clearly stopped to watch
what was happening. “Thought you were trying to drown each other,” Remus said with a
disbelieving look.

Regulus looked at Sirius and they both giggled like children caught causing trouble. “Nah, we’re
alright,” was all he replied. Remus looked slightly exasperated. He nodded and looked around
himself, glancing back towards the manor and then to the pair of Black brothers bobbing in the
water.

“Alright then,” he said. Remus threw off his blazer and kicked off his shoes and socks. He strode
towards the lake and dove in in a surprisingly graceful gesture. He reappeared close to Regulus and
Sirius and grinned at them before swooping his arm and splashing them both. Regulus and Sirius
shrieked and darted out of the way as Remus began chasing them around the pond. When Regulus
resurfaced, he noticed Mary and Marlene grin at each other before they kicked off their shoes and
ran into the pond hand in hand.

The five of them screamed and laughed and ignored the gobsmacked faces of the onlookers at the
manor. They splashed and chased each other and for one blissful moment on that hot summer’s
day, none of them had lost a thing.
 Chapter 46

Regulus

Things got worse after the funeral.

Regulus had been in a haze from the moment he looked down at James’ lifeless form lying alone in
that cold courtyard. He had been transported home and the funeral had been organised in a matter
of days. He had spent the entire time experiencing a sort of weightlessness. It felt as if his soul had
left his body and hovered just above him, watching proceedings from above but not quite able to
feel any of the human emotions he was supposed to. Once the funeral ended and the house emptied
out, the fog lifted, and darkness crept quickly in.

He didn’t leave his bed for three days. Bertie brought him meals and left them outside his room.
Nobody else noticed. They were all too consumed by their own grief. He didn’t eat, he didn’t
sleep, he didn’t even cry. He lay in bed and stared at a fixed point at the corner of the window. He
marked time by the changing clouds and the shifting light. He focused on a small crack in the
glass. It was so small he doubted anyone would ever have noticed it. He noticed it. He stared at it,
entirely motionless, for hours at a time. The only times he moved was to go to the toilet and even
then he would wait until it felt like his bladder was about to burst.

Frank had left the day after the funeral to see his family. He promised he’d be back, and Regulus
smiled weakly at him. He had been James’ friend, not his. Despite his kindness, he couldn’t help
but feel awkward about accepting the other man’s sympathy. It felt like Regulus was waiting for
something, he had no earthly idea what it was, but he kept waiting. He stared at the crack in the
window and waited.

On his fourth day in bed there was a soft knock at his door. He ignored it and closed his eyes
tightly, willing whoever it was to go away. The knock came again and this time it was followed by
the creak of the door opening. Regulus had his back to the door and he didn’t move to see who it
was. A figure walked around his bed and sat next to him. A hand reached out and brushed through
his hair, he glanced up at the soft touch and saw Monty sat besides him.

“Time to get up Regulus,” he said in a gentle voice. Monty’s skin was pale, and his eyes were
puffy. The lines in his face were more pronounced than they had ever been and he looked old.
Regulus closed his eyes and buried his face into his pillow again, he didn’t want to hear what
Monty had to say, he didn’t want any comfort.

“I’ve run a bath for you, you’ll feel a bit better,” he said. Regulus kept his eyes clamped shut and
shook his head determinedly like a stubborn toddler.

“Please?” Monty asked. “Will you please let me help you?” There was an earnest pleading to
Monty’s voice, an uncertain waver that caught Regulus’ attention. He was vaguely aware that
Monty was probably doing this out of some fatherly instinct he needed to fulfil and not just for
Regulus’ benefit. Regulus finally turned in the bed and with the small shift of movement he saw
just the smallest hint of a smile play at Monty’s mouth. He reached a hand under Regulus’
shoulder and lifted him to a sitting position. Regulus allowed himself to be pulled out of the bed
and gently guided towards the bathroom. The bath was full of hot steaming water and some fluffy
towels had been laid out besides the sink. “There’ll be a sandwich waiting for you downstairs when
you’re ready,” Monty said before turning to leave. Regulus felt a rise of panic at being left alone
outside of the comfort of his bed. He reached out a hand and grabbed hold of Monty’s sleeve.
“I… I can’t… can you help me?” he said pathetically. Monty’s eyes grew slightly wide before he
smiled at Regulus and nodded.

“Of course, son. Let’s get you in,” he said. Monty guided Regulus towards the bath and tactfully
looked away as Regulus pulled off his t-shirt. Regulus glanced at Monty feeling incredibly
ridiculous and ashamed that he was forcing the man to stay with him while he did something so
simple as take a bath. He stripped out of his pyjama bottoms and stepped into the hot water. He
lowered himself down gently and pulled his knees up to his chin. Monty sat on the toilet lid and
didn’t say anything. He didn’t force Regulus to wash, to do anything really, but he sat besides him
in the quiet bathroom all the same.

Regulus eventually gained the strength to begin washing himself. Every movement felt like he was
wading through mud. Even the simple action of rubbing soap across his shoulders felt like an
insurmountable task. He allowed the hot water to lap against his skin, he hadn’t had a proper bath
like this for over a year and the steady pressure of the water against his body felt numbing. He
leaned back and rested his head against the rim of the bathtub and closed his eyes.

“This is going to linger for a long time,” Monty’s voice broke the silence after a long while.
Regulus opened his eyes and darted a look to Monty who was still seated besides him. “The trauma
you’ve experienced, it’s unlike any other. It’s difficult for people who haven’t been through it to
understand.” Monty paused and pinched the bridge of his nose as he continued to talk. “I found it
easier not to talk about it. I hid it away and pretended like I didn’t return to those battlefields every
night.” Monty turned to meet Regulus’ eye then. “It doesn’t make it easier, to do that. Because
people can see it even if you think you’re doing a good job of hiding it. James… James could sense
it in me. He knew even as a boy that I was holding back.”

Regulus coughed to clear his rapidly tightening throat and averted his eyes away from Monty at the
mention of James’ name. Monty turned to face Regulus properly.

“Regulus don’t disappear. This is your home, and we are your family now. Let us do what families
do and help each other through the worst of times.”

Regulus jerked his head slightly to indicate he had heard Monty. But he didn’t know how to make
that promise, he already felt like he had disappeared. All that was good in him had gone.

Sirius had been doing just about as well as Regulus. In typical fashion, he had channelled most of
his grief and self-loathing into recklessness by drinking to excess at every opportunity. Remus too
had fallen back on his old habits of working too much to avoid the difficult feelings. If it weren’t
for the presence of Harry, Regulus was sure they would have both entirely fallen apart. Because of
Harry however, Sirius only began drinking after the boy had already gone to bed. Because of Harry,
Remus didn’t trudge out to the farm at the break of dawn, not returning until the sun had already
set. Regulus watched them from the outside, their strange family unit that were all leaning on each
other heavily. He felt jealous of it, the intimacy of their grief. Their burdens weren’t only their
own, and they were able to share them with each other. He watched from afar as they coaxed each
other out of their vices, as they smothered Harry with love and found small moments of peace in
each other’s arms.

Regulus remained at the manor with Monty and Effie. He had begun to feel a bit useless and so
busied himself helping Bertie in the kitchen. He remembered the way he had done the same thing
years ago after Lyall’s death. She was as kind as ever and didn’t question him or push him to speak
to her. When he turned up, she smiled understandingly and gave him a job to do. Whether it was
peeling potatoes or baking loaves of bread, she seemed to understand that he needed to put his
hands to work.
Days turned into weeks and Regulus still felt numb. The world kept turning outside their little
bubble and Regulus couldn’t’ understand how. Didn’t people understand what had happened? How
could people celebrate the end of the war and the return of the soldiers when the very best of them
had not. People did celebrate however and men from the village returned to civvy street. Mothers
and sisters embraced their family members on the platform of Godric’s Hollow, people sung in the
pubs and they toasted to better days ahead.

A month after the funeral, Regulus finally gathered the courage to visit the graveyard. He brought
a bunch of roses and left them at Lily’s grave. There were always flowers there, people visited it
still. He walked on unsteady feet to the fresh grave that was only a few feet away from Lily’s. He
dropped to his knees in front of James’ grave. The soil was still fresh, and the flowers had barely
begun to wilt. He rubbed his hands through the dirt and blinked at the gleaming stone marking his
resting place.

“What the fuck were you thinking James?” he said as he dug his hands further into the soil. “I’m so
fucking angry with you. You made me feel again, you made me want to live. But how the fuck am
I supposed to live without my heart? Am I supposed to grow up without you?” The panic and hurt
and emptiness overwhelmed him. It hadn’t occurred to him until that moment just how much life
he was going to be forced to live alone. “Haunt me James, please. I don’t care if your soul has to
wander the cold and lonely earth forever. Haunt me, save me, please don’t leave me. Don’t leave
me James,” he sobbed. His body shuddered and he dug his hands further into the soil feeling the
soft grains fall against his calloused hands. The line between life and death was so precarious,
maybe he could find his way there. Maybe he could fling out his hand into the abyss and find
James’ shadow reaching for his own. He lay on top of the grave and placed his cheek against the
soil. His lay his body on top of James’ like they had slept so many times before. Only six feet of
earth and all of eternity separating them.

Regulus remained on the grave for hours, even as the sun set and the world kept turning. When the
sounds of children laughing carried across the wind, the church bells rang, and birds sang their
goodbye to the day. He didn’t resist the tide, he let the wash of hopelessness surge over him, he
buried his hands further into the dirt and he let himself drift away.

Regulus blinked his eyes open and was faced with James’ sweet smile in the bed besides him
watching him sleep. Regulus smirked and buried himself further into his covers, he watched James
for a long while. The sun streamed through the window and lit up his golden skin, his hair was
tufted up in the messy way it always had. His smooth skin shimmered in the morning light and he
wore that same bright grin that lit up his entire face. He wasn’t wearing his glasses and his eyes
squinted with the easy grin. He didn’t have the dark circles under his eyes, the defined cheekbones,
or any of the scars of the war. He looked as young as the day Regulus had met him.

“Morning,” he said to Regulus.

“Morning,” Regulus replied. They stayed like that, staring at each other under the soft cotton
blankets for a long while.

“What are you going to do today?” James asked. Regulus shrugged and pulled the cover up under
his chin. He didn’t want to move from the safety of his bed, he was too comfortable, too contented
lying next to James in the soft lazy sunshine.

“Dunno,” he said. He shifted forward, pushing his face close to James so their noses were almost
touching. James glanced down at Regulus’ lips and smiled. “We could just stay in bed and get lost
in the bedsheets,” Regulus said.
“Mmm,” James said, his voice taking on a heated note.

“We could stay right here all day. Remus will be fine without us for one day, and then later I’ll
cook us some dinner and we can bring it straight back to bed.”

James huffed and closed his eyes as he thought about the plans. Regulus felt his skin shiver with
hope and anticipation. James opened his eyes then and looked at Regulus with a steady gaze, his
eyebrows pinched sadly after a moment, and he brought his face closer. Their lips were so close
there was barely a centimetre separating them. Regulus closed his eyes and waited for the sweet
touch of James’ lips against his own.

“But Reggie,” James said. “I’m not really here. I don’t exist.” Regulus opened his eyes, and he was
alone in his bedroom at the manor. The golden light had dimmed to a damp gloom, and he exhaled
sharply. He clenched his eyes shut and clung on to his pillow, attempting to temper the wave of
panic and sorrow that threatened to overwhelm him.

Regulus stumbled down to the kitchen a while later. He found Sirius and Remus sat around the
kitchen table with Harry. It didn’t mater that they all lived at the cottage, they still trudged up to
the manor each morning for breakfast. Harry glanced up from where he was sat between the two
men and smiled at Regulus.

“Hi Uncle Reg,” he said brightly. He was eight years old now. It had been four years since James
left. Regulus didn’t know how it happened, how a week turned into a month, into a year and then
into four. They had fallen into a routine and Regulus had learned the workings of the farm. He put
himself to use in the fields with Remus, in the kitchen with Bertie. He did everything to not be a
burden. Monty and Effie continuously told him he was welcome to stay regardless, that he didn’t
need to work if he didn’t want to. But Regulus needed to, he had nothing else to do except wallow.
His hands remained calloused, they had toughened during the war from the hours of clasping hold
of his rifle and now from the manual labour he did every day. He doubted he’d ever look down at
his soft and toil-free palms ever again. He didn’t care. He didn’t care about much anymore.

“Morning,” he said to the group at the table. He picked up a couple slices of toast and buttered
them generously. “What are you up to today?”

“Mary’s coming over with Dean and Lily later,” Remus said.

Dean was Mary’s young son. He was three years old now and despite their age gap he and Harry
were as close as brothers. Harry continuously tried to pull him into his schemes with his friends and
was becoming increasingly frustrated when Remus would have to explain to him that he was too
young to climb the ladder to the treehouse or join in games of rugby.

Jack had returned in early 1946. The war in the Pacific had ended four months earlier and Mary
had clearly accepted that he wasn’t coming back. She didn’t let anyone see her hurt, as she always
did. But even Regulus could see the disappointment she carried in her posture. The four of them,
Mary, Regulus, Remus and Sirius, had been walking through the lanes on their way to the pub on a
cold January afternoon when a figure appeared on the crest of the hill above them. He was walking
towards them in the waning daylight, the sun gleamed from behind him, illuminating him in a
shining glow. Mary had stopped in her tracks and gasped. Regulus watched as he approached, he
was dressed in civilian clothing and carried a backpack on his shoulder. Jack’s steps faltered only
for a moment and he stopped as he spotted her up ahead.

Mary and Jack had stared at each other for a long moment before Mary began walking towards
him. Jack began moving towards her too, his movements gathering speed. He threw down his bag
and began running just as Mary lifted her skirt and began sprinting towards him. Regulus watched
as they collided into each other’s arms and Mary’s laughter filtered across the countryside. He
hadn’t heard that sound for a long time, he realised. Jack had taken months to return because he
first went back to the States. He told his family he was moving to the UK, and he packed a bag. He
got on a boat and travelled straight to Mary. They had married only a month later, Dean came
along shortly after that and two years later their daughter Lily. Regulus would have said he’d never
seen two people so in love if he didn’t know better.

Monty entered the kitchen and ruffled Harry’s hair before pouring himself a coffee. He looked old
now, both he and Effie had aged significantly in the past few years. They looked older than they
were, but Regulus supposed they all probably did. Sirius already had a streak of grey darting its
way through his dark black hair. Monty spotted Regulus and smiled.

“Got some work for you in the stables,” he said. Regulus agreed immediately. Monty seemed to be
the only one among them who understood his need to work, to earn his place within the household.
He always came up with a new job that needed to be done on the farm that neither he nor Remus
could get done. If it wasn’t farm work, then he needed help with his paperwork, or writing a letter.
Regulus polished off his toast and quickly made his way down to the stables.

He spent a few hours that morning cleaning and restocking the hay for the two horses they had
living there. The farm had mostly been upgraded and with the introduction of motorised tractors,
the horses were something of a relic that didn’t serve much purpose on the farm anymore. Harry
loved to ride them however, and so they kept them on regardless. Regulus was mucking out the
final stable when he heard a voice from behind him.

“Don’t you think it’s time you did something with yourself?” James said, flopping down on the
stack of hay bales.

“I am doing something. I’m trying to muck out this fucking stable,” Regulus replied through gritted
teeth.

“Since when did you ever want to become a farmer?”

“People change. I told you, I like Godric’s Hollow.”

James sprawled back with an arm behind his head and inspected his nails. “Hmm I suppose. But
you’d hardly know that from the way you’ve been stomping around the place with a face like a
slapped arse.”

Regulus huffed and turned to face James. “If you’re just going to insult me, why won’t you just
fuck off,” he snapped.

“I wish I could Reggie. You’re the one who imagined me up.”

“Well then go then! I release you, stop bloody torturing me.”

“Yes that’s probably a good idea. You’re turning thirty in a couple of years, bit weird to have your
nineteen-year-old lover’s ghost following you around. Why am I nineteen anyway? I thought I
looked better at twenty-four.” James looked down and patted his stomach. “How did I never realise
how skinny I used to be.”

“I don’t fucking know, do I? It’s not like I intentionally dreamed you up.”

“Oh, but I think you did.”

“Fuck off.”
“You need to let me go Reg.”

“James wouldn’t speak to me like this.”

“No, he probably wouldn’t have. That’s the point though isn’t it. I’m not him.”

Regulus huffed and dragged a bale of hay from the stable to scatter across the floor.

“I’m alive, aren’t I? That should be enough for you,” he bit out. “I’m alive because you’re fucking
forcing me to be. I didn’t let myself drown six years ago for you and then you went and died
anyway. Now I’ve made some fucking promise to stay alive despite every fucking terrible day.”

“That’s not true either is it, Reggie?” James’ voice was sincere now.

“What isn’t?”

“That you dragged yourself out of the river just for me.”

“That’s exactly why I did it.”

“No. You loved me of course. But not even our great love story can convince someone who wants
to die to hold on. No, you didn’t let yourself drown because you wanted to live. So go and fucking
live, would you?”

“The fuck do you know about it?”

“I was there, I am literally you.”

“Well if all this is in my head, then none of it is real is it? So I don’t need to listen to you.”

“Just because it’s inside your head, doesn’t mean it’s not real.”

Regulus was interrupted by footsteps entering the barn. Remus looked around in confusion as he
made his way to Regulus’ stall.

“Were you talking to someone?” he asked.

“No,” Regulus replied quickly.

“Right,” Remus looked unconvinced and slightly concerned. He leaned against the wooden fence
and considered Regulus for a moment. “Mary’s down at the cottage with the kids, dinner will be
ready soon,” he said. Regulus nodded and finished spreading the hay.

“I’ll be down once I’ve finished here,” he replied. Remus nodded and stepped away, leaving
Regulus to his haunted mind.

The next morning as they gathered for breakfast again, Harry came barrelling into the kitchen. He
slid across the gleaming tiled floor and grabbed a hot roll off the table without even slowing his
momentum. He crashed into the counter and spun round to face the others with a bright grin before
he stuffed his mouth with the roll. He grabbed his boots and began hopping on one spot as he
pulled them on, his body vibrating with energy. The adults watched with bemusement as he
collapsed against the coat rack while trying to simultaneously pull on his jacket and his other boot.

“I’m off to Ron’s. Hermione reckons there’s a tunnel that leads straight under the bank so we’re
going to investigate,” he declared.
Harry tumbled out of the kitchen as quickly as he entered, and Sirius and Remus chuckled slightly
at the burst of chaos that had just sped through the room. Regulus’ stomach had summersaulted so
suddenly he thought he might be sick. That had been happening more often recently. Now that
Harry was growing up, he reminded him of James more each day. Harry had barely known James
and yet somehow, he was so shockingly similar to him. He was bright and bubbly, always up for an
adventure and always created utter chaos. Regulus felt quite lightheaded, and he felt himself drift
away with a refreshed wave of grief, as heady and powerful as first the moment he saw James lying
in that courtyard. He stood up suddenly from the table, bumping the contents forcefully and
making everyone jolt around to look at him.

“Alright Reg?” Remus asked. Regulus clenched his mouth shut and nodded forcefully. He needed
to get out of there quickly before he completely fell apart. He cleared his throat and swiftly made
his way out of the kitchen. He could tell the others were watching him, but he didn’t dare look
back for fear of crying. It was pathetic, that he should still be so overwhelmed like this. That Harry
growing up, that his happiness should bring Regulus so much pain. He darted up the stairs and into
his room.

He sat on his window ledge and pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around them tightly. He
stared out into the grounds of the manor unblinkingly. He tried to fight the tears, fight the
emotions, but it was a losing battle. James’s face kept appearing in his mind, not the ghost of him
that had followed him around for years but the real James. The James who was tired, scarred, and
full of hope. He could hear the low and heavy breathing in the quiet hallowed moments of the
night, he could see his dirt covered face looking for him in the midst of a battlefield. Fires burned
around him, sparks flew, and bullets fired, and James eyes met his own, a glimpse of heaven in the
depths of hell.

“Reggie?” Sirius’ voice interrupted Regulus’ tailspin of memories and he looked up to see his
brother standing nervously at his bedroom door. “Are you okay?” he asked. Regulus’ eyes were
full of tears and the question from Sirius was the final straw that forced them to spill, betraying his
still open wound. Sirius looked taken aback for a moment. He frowned and nodded, as if he knew
exactly what had triggered this emotional outburst. Sirius slipped into his room, closing the door
quietly behind him. He walked across the room towards Regulus, stopping only to grab the end of
the blanket covering Regulus’ bed. He dragged it over and sat opposite Regulus on the windowsill.
He pulled the blanket up, so it covered them both. Regulus blinked in surprise and looked up at his
brother’s gleaming eyes in the sudden darkness. “Is it Harry?” Sirius asked.

Regulus twisted his mouth and looked away, ashamed of himself. He nodded but couldn’t bring
himself to speak.

“I know,” Sirius replied. “He’s gets more like him every day. It’s quite unnerving sometimes.”
Sirius paused and reached out to hold Regulus’ hands in his own. “It’s a blessing in a way, that we
still have a piece of him with us here. But there are times it catches me off guard too.”

Regulus nodded again and lifted his shoulder to wipe a tear from his cheek.

“I miss him so much,” Regulus said in a weak voice. It was a grotesque understatement. Miss him
didn’t even begin to cover the depths of sorrow he felt, the hole that was missing, the sheer
absurdity that he should remain in a world without James in it.

“Me too,” Sirius replied. “He saved us both. Regulus… Regulus he shouldn’t have had to save us. I
shouldn’t have left you all those years ago. I always think that maybe that was the start of
something, some butterfly effect that led us here. If maybe I’d stayed… if I’d done something
different, then…”
Regulus was shocked, he looked up at his brother’s troubled face and he realised how much he had
been struggling too. Sirius had convinced himself that somehow James’ death had been his fault. It
was absurd.

“No, Sirius. Nothing would have changed,” he said firmly. “All that would be different is that
neither of us would have gotten to spend the time we did with him. I didn’t know you still thought
about that…” he paused as Sirius considered Regulus for a moment. “I don’t blame you Sirius. You
didn’t leave me behind, you did your best.” Sirius looked at him with disbelief and a shocking
amount of surprise in his face. It occurred to Regulus that he had never actually told Sirius this.
They had gotten closer snice the end of the war. They had lived and worked together at the manor
for so long, but he had never actually spoken to Sirius about what came before. He leaned forward
and this time it was he who clung on to Sirius hands. “I mean it Sirius. Thank you, you found me
eventually. You found me exactly when I needed you to. You were a child too; it was never your
responsibility.”

Sirius sniffed and tears began running down his cheeks now too. The pair of them must have
looked quite ridiculous, Regulus thought. Holding hands and crying like children underneath a
blanket. Sirius nodded eventually. “I meant it when I told you I’d never leave you again,” he said
after a moment. He hesitated and then met Regulus’ eye. “But… but Reggie… I think it’s time you
left me.”

Regulus opened his mouth to reply but was left quite speechless by his admission. “What do you
mean? You don’t want me here anymore?” he asked.

Sirius shook his head violently. “No! No of course not! This is your home. It always will be and I
want you here of course I do. But… I don’t think it’s doing you any good. I think it’s time you took
some space for yourself, travel like you always wanted to, explore and experience new things,” he
paused before the next words. “Maybe find love again?”

Regulus scoffed and pulled the blanket off from his head. “No, that won’t happen,” he said
determinedly.

Sirius sighed and pulled the blanket from his own head. He leaned back and rested against the wall
behind him as Regulus reached up to open a window and lit a cigarette. “Okay, not that then. But
still… you always wanted to do so much. You never wanted to be stuck here in Godric’s Hollow.”

“I like it here,” Regulus replied petulantly. He was beginning to feel like he was being kicked out.

“And we will be here waiting for you to come home. I’m not saying leave forever. Just spread your
legs a little bit… James would want you to.” A flare of anger rose in Regulus at that. He wanted to
scream at Sirius that he didn’t have a fucking clue what James would want, that none of them did,
because James was dead and couldn’t want a fucking thing. One look at Sirius’ earnest face
stopped the venom in his throat before he could say it, he recognised the grief etched onto his
brother’s features.

Regulus looked out across the manor’s grounds. Orange and pink stained the sky, and the stillness
of the landscape could have been a painting. He watched it with new eyes, as someone who had
just in that moment decided he was leaving, and he recognised the beauty in the place. With just
one word from his brother the estate took on a new nostalgic glow. He looked at the green and
rolling hills and soaked in their gentle undulations and thick woodlands. He turned to face Sirius
again who hadn’t stopped watching him.

“I’ll come home,” he said in a soft voice.

“You better,” Sirius choked out. Regulus launched himself forwards and wrapped his arms around
his brother, Sirius clung to him, and they both held each other tight. They held onto each other in
the way people only do when they know they’re not going to see each other for a long time. “I love
you,” Sirius said in a whisper.

“I love you too,” Regulus replied. It shocked him, saying those words that had always been so
difficult for him. He realised he couldn’t remember the last time he said them, he couldn’t
remember if he had ever said them to Sirius.

Regulus walked up the hill at the back of the village a final time before he left Godric’s Hollow.
He had his rucksack slung over his shoulder and he had already said his goodbyes to the others. He
didn’t want them to come to the station with him, he couldn’t bare looking at their retreating forms
yet again. He was getting the evening train and so the sun was low in the sky casting a golden glow
over the countryside that expanded out in front of him. He sat quietly for a few moments, listening
to the soft birdsong and the rustle of the breeze through the trees.

“I think I need to forgive you.” Regulus said in whisper. “For leaving me here alone.” He inhaled
and looked down at his feet, gathering himself to prevent himself from weeping. “It was really
fucking mean of you James.”

Large clouds cast dramatic shadows across the fields and houses below, the red tinged sky seemed
to stretch on for eternity and he focused on the small details he had so often overlooked. The way
the light shafted through the clouds and lit up the distant peaks, the small houses that clustered
together throughout the village and beyond.

“It’s still so beautiful here,” Regulus said. “Can you see it? Wherever you are?”

Regulus watched as two songbirds flew around each other in the sky. And he felt it, there were two
men sitting on that hill, side by side taking in the scene. He remained there until the sun finally
dipped beyond the horizon.

“Goodbye James. I’ll see you soon.”

He stood and made his way back down the hill alone.
 Chapter 47
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Regulus

Regulus returned to London first. He hadn’t been back to the city properly since Sirius’ return but
the place still felt familiar to him. He took his time heading to Pandora’s flat, taking the bus instead
of the underground. He sat on the top deck and watched the easy bustle of people making their way
through town. The effects of the war were still palpable. However where before there were piles of
rubble and half blown apart buildings, now there was extensive demolition and repair work being
done. There were tall blocks of flats being built where formerly there had been rows of terraced
houses, parks where there had previously been shops.

He turned up at Pandora’s flat unannounced, it was an old habit that had him feeling uncommonly
nervous before knocking. She had stayed in Godric’s Hollow for a couple of years as part of the
land army before she returned to her flat and Regulus hadn’t seen her since it had all begun. He
braced himself, fully prepared to turn on his heel and check in to a hotel if she was to turn him
away. He needn’t have been worried however, she greeted him with a brilliant smile and a warm
embrace. She had a child on her hip with long blonde hair and the same piercing blue eyes as
Pandora. Regulus knew she’d had a daughter, but it shocked him that she was already old enough
to speak to him. He realised how much he had been isolating himself from the world for the past
four years.

Pandora was probably the only solid friend he had left in London. The only one worth knowing in
any case. The old set had mostly moved away and grown up, they’d gotten married or found more
debaucherous shores to land on. They spent their days in the cosy flat drinking tea, reading, and
talking about old times. Pandora filled Regulus in on what had happened to Edward, the man who
had offered to keep him hidden away in a flat away from his wife. He had died early in the war. He
had been taken prisoner even before the evacuation at Dunkirk. Regulus grimaced as he thought
about what fate had befallen him. He had been a bastard, but Regulus didn’t think anyone deserved
that. Sirius had told him enough about his time in the prison for Regulus to get a good idea of how
bad it had been. Sirius had written to his friend Chris’ family following the war, hoping to hear of
his rescue. The news that had returned had led to Sirius retreating into himself and unable to leave
the cottage for over a week. Chris had died in the prison, only days after Sirius’ escape. It appeared
that they had worked out that he must have known of the plan and they took it out on Chris.

After several weeks in London, Regulus recognised that he was probably getting under Pandora’s
feet and so he moved on. He took the boat to Amsterdam and wandered the canal lined streets.
There was still the evidence of the war in every brick and every face that he passed. People
throughout Europe were attempting to pick up the pieces, but once something had been so
unbearably broken, it was impossible to make it entirely whole again.

He travelled by train through the Netherlands and into Belgium. He watched the fields of tulips
whip past him as the train transported him across the vast flat landscape and he understood why
James had loved them so much. The tulips coated the countryside in a wide patchwork quilt of
bright colours and blooms. In Belgium, he found the village Sirius had landed in on his escape and
discovered that it had become something of a folk tale among people there. The story of the
prisoner dropping from the sky and making his way home had provided a boost of hope in dark
times. When Regulus had announced that he had been that RAF man’s brother, he was quickly
encircled by a group of a very excitable people buying him drinks and telling him stories of the
war.

After Belgium he entered Northern France, he made his way to the beaches of Dunkirk and looked
out across the wide sandy dunes and remembered the way it had been so full of people the last time
he had been there. The town was still visibly damaged, and the remnants of the machinery, trucks,
and tanks were spread out across the beach. They were covered in sand and rusting by now, in a
few years they’d likely be gone. He wondered how many bodies lay beneath the sand even after
nearly ten years. He stopped in Paris and stayed with his uncle in Montmartre for several weeks.
He didn’t linger, the memory of the last time he had been there was still too raw and too precious.

He hadn’t realised he was following James’ steps until he found himself on a boat to Egypt. He
stepped off and breathed the hot humid air and saw the sights that must have greeted James on his
arrival. It must have seemed so unfamiliar to him then. The language and scenery was so far
removed from anything James would have seen back in Britain. Regulus wandered the small streets
of Cairo and ran his hands through the luxurious silks and cotton fabrics in the markets. He
travelled the Nile by boat and saw the pyramids up close.

Finally, he stepped on a boat at Alexandria heading to Italy. He arrived in Sicily first; it was a
shock to be back there after six years. It didn’t look different at all, but he was seeing it through
new eyes. There were more people about, getting on with their lives now that the threat of death
had lifted from their doorstep. When he took a boat to the mainland, he bought a small motorbike
from a man at the port and meandered his way north the slow way. He stopped at small villages
and practiced his admittedly poor Italian. He swam in the ocean, he drank wine, and spoke of the
past with old men at bars. He ate pizza in Naples and pasta in Rome. He walked around the
Colosseum and wondered at the enormity of its ancient structure. He thought about all the death
that it must have seen over the centuries. How many wars had been fought since it was built, how
many lovers ripped from each other’s arms? He left Rome quickly, finding he had come to prefer
the tranquil countryside more than the busy city. He travelled slowly through the country until he
found himself walking down a dusty sunny road in Tuscany. He was wheeling his motorbike
beside him for no particular reason. The sky was so blue and the sun so strong that he had decided
to walk for a little while.

A small old lady met him besides her house as he passed. She insisted that he come inside for some
food and a cold drink. Regulus had learned not to turn down offers of hospitality. Not only for fear
of being rude but also because he found the most interesting conversations and delicious food on
the occasions he accepted an invite. He entered the villa, which turned out to be much larger on the
inside and opened up to a wide terrace that looked over the rolling hills of Tuscany. He had sat and
ate and heard all about the troubles of the war, about how things were starting to get back to
normal now. The old lady told Regulus that her son owned the farm and they always needed more
people to work it.

He didn’t need the money necessarily, he had a rather hefty inheritance that had been set aside for
him that he gained access to when he turned twenty one. His parents weren’t able to access it, but
he was still surprised that they hadn’t tried. Regardless, he liked the idea of working on the
vineyard. As much as other people seemed to struggle to believe it, he was actually rather fond of
working the land. He took a job at the vineyard and stayed there for three months during their busy
season. Giorgio the owner, ran the winery with his two sons and a handful of other labourers.
Regulus spent many happy days at the estate, picking grapes in the sun and drinking wine on the
terrace with the family.

Regulus realised his time had come to leave on a hot September evening. He had been sitting
alone, smoking, and drinking red wine as the sun set over the horizon when Matteo, the family’s
youngest son had come to join him. Matteo was a lively and friendly young man who was eager to
please and keen to learn English. He was tall and handsome and had dark curly hair that fell to his
chin. Regulus had spent the most time with him as he was so quick to drop his activities to follow
Regulus around at the slightest hint of encouragement. He was young, only twenty years old, and
had not been old enough to fight during the war. Because of that he was remarkably less scarred
and downbeat than most of the other men.

Matteo sat down besides Regulus and gratefully took a cigarette from him. They began chatting in
English about the day, about Regulus’ travels and Matteo’s plans for the future. Regulus hadn’t
been paying much attention and when he turned to look at Matteo to say something to him, the
other man had pressed forwards and kissed him. Regulus froze for a second, unable to understand
what had happened. Too many feelings overwhelmed him at once. First it was shock, then guilt,
then shame, and finally he pushed Matteo gently back. His dark eyes were gleaming with hope and
he had a pink tinge to his cheeks. Regulus felt terrible for providing him with what was likely his
first heartbreak, and he also felt terrible that he may have accidentally led the boy on in some way.

He explained that he was too young, that Regulus’ heart belonged to another, that it wasn’t his
fault, but Regulus couldn’t prevent Matteo’s smile from dropping and the light dimming behind his
eyes. Even as he nodded understandingly, Regulus felt a deep pang of shame that he had wounded
the man. After that, thing became awkward, Matteo avoided Regulus at all costs and Regulus
didn’t want to do anything that might indicate he had changed his mind, so he stayed clear. It made
him miserable, and he quickly realised that his time at the vineyard had come to and end. He said a
regretful goodbye and got on his motorbike once more. He travelled through the Tuscan
countryside until he reached Florence.

He marvelled at the architecture, the tall hill that provided an expansive view of the entirety of the
city. He walked the halls of the galleries, only now reopening after so long boarded up and closed.
He finally made it to the Galleria dell'Accademia and walked along the long dark corridor to where
the statue of David stood on a plinth beneath a bright ray of sunshine. It shone down and lit up the
sparkling marble and Regulus’ breath was taken from his body.

He wanted to weep at the sight, it felt shocking to finally see it in person. And he had never felt so
alone. He shouldn’t have been there alone. He looked into the statue’s eyes, he gazed at the
muscles of his arms and legs, he circled the marble form and thought that he’d only ever seen one
thing more breath-taking in his life. Even Michelangelo couldn’t have captured James’ beauty.

Others must have thought it strange, the man who sat in front of the statue for a full day and
watched the shadows change across its face. A spectator would have seen him sitting and staring,
marvelling at the statue or some forgotten memory. When the ray of sun that filtered through the
ceiling began to fade away Regulus finally moved. He cleared his throat and wiped away the tears
that had unknowingly spilled. He nodded firmly to himself, something resolved within him finally,
and he left. He glanced back at the statue before he stepped out of the door, he needed one final
look. He thought maybe now, after seeing it finally, maybe it’s splendour would have dimmed. No,
it was as beautiful as ever, not even slightly adjusted by Regulus’ careful assessment.

In a quiet square in Florence, Regulus sat in the sunshine and drank a cool aperitif. He turned his
face into the glare, and for the first time in a very long time he didn’t want to weep, he didn’t want
to pull at his hair and scream. He withdrew a postcard from his pack, the statue of David adorning
its front of course, and wrote a quick note to those back in Godric’s Hollow updating them on his
travels and what he had seen so far. After a few moments, he reached into his pack and pulled out
another card. This one was different, it was faded and crumpled, its edges were tattered, and the
picture was barely visible after all those years. He looked at the small house that was pictured in
the photo, its small wooden fence, stone wall, and painted shutters. He turned it over and made out
 the faint lettering that had almost disappeared after years of being shoved down the bottom of his
pack through battlefields and mourning beds. He squinted at it before turning into the sun again,
allowing his face to feel every glorious ray of heat.

Over a week later, Regulus found himself in Bergerac. A wide river cut through the quaint
medieval town that had cobbled streets and clustered houses and was surrounded by fields of
vineyards. He wandered through the streets until he found a small house tucked away down a tree-
lined lane. He approached it slowly, shadows from the bright sun filtered through the trees and cast
a mosaic of fluttering patterns on the front of the house. He wondered if he was making a mistake,
if this was a ridiculous idea and in fact he’d turn up just to hear the worst of news. That somebody
else had not made it through the war.

He sighed heavily and approached the house, the gate squeaked slightly as he closed it behind him.
He knocked a couple of times and waited patiently for an answer. The area was quiet and Regulus
could only hear the gentle tweeting of birds in the trees above. When there was no answer, he
decided it was best he left. That was until he heard the distinct sound of talking coming from
somewhere within the house.

He needed to know what happened even if he was overstepping his bounds and so he circled the
small house and edged his way down an alleyway next to the building. The alley opened to a
beautiful small garden, overflowing with trees and flowers. It looked like something from the
Secret Garden, entirely wild but impeccably cultivated. There were roses, lavender bushes and a
large climbing ivy. Regulus looked around in amazement before he noticed the small patio table set
out with wine and food. There was a man sitting with his back to Regulus in a wheelchair. Regulus
could only see the back of his head, but it was enough for Regulus to immediately have an answer
to what he had come to find out. He stepped forward tentatively and the man in the wheelchair’s
head cocked slightly as he heard a noise from behind him. So not to startle him, Regulus broke the
peaceful silence. He cleared his throat and realised he was more nervous than he expected to be.

“Barty?”

Barty visibly tensed; his entire body stilled as Regulus’ voice filtered across the garden. He slowly
turned his head and met Regulus’ gaze with wide, awestruck eyes. Regulus breathed out in a
sudden rush of the shock of seeing him after all this time. It had been nearly ten years since
Regulus had last seen Barty and he’d clearly been through a lot. He was in a wheelchair and his
face had lost its youthful glow. He had lines in his forehead and dark circles rimming his eyes. But
he retained that mop of fluffy hair, the piercing eyes and sharp jaw that Regulus could remember so
well even after all that time. Disbelief flickered across Barty’s face as Regulus stood uselessly in
his garden.

“Is it really you, mon chou?”

Chapter End Notes

I've increased the chapter count to 49 but the last chapter is just a short epilogue. I'll
post both at the same time, probably tomorrow.
 Chapter 48

Harry

Harry slung his backpack over his shoulder as he climbed off the overcrowded and rickety bus. He
was sweating profusely and his shirt was sticking to his back, he was not at all prepared for this
type of heat, especially not after spending two hours in a packed bus from the airport. He sighed
heavily and stopped at a small shop to buy a bottle of lemonade to cool off. It was the middle of
August, extremely hot, and he wondered why he hadn’t waited for a more temperate time to make
this journey. He sat outside the shop and gulped the lemonade in a few long mouthfuls before
wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. The sounds of Elvis Presley filtered out
from the shop across the quiet square. He turned to see the bemused face of the shop keeper
looking at his frazzled state on his doorstep. Harry smiled weakly before noticing the phone on the
wall at the back of the shop. He darted in again and said a quick “bonjour” to the shop keeper with
a nervous smile. He gave the man an odd sort of curtsey and he wasn’t sure why. He frowned and
quickly made his way over to the phone, embarrassed by his own awkwardness. He entered a few
coins and dialled the number for home. He tapped impatiently on the plastic receiver and waited a
long while for anyone to pick up, he supposed they’d all be out on the farm. Eventually, Sirius did
pick up.

“Hello?”

“Hey Pop, it’s me,” he said.

“Harry! Did your flight go okay? What was it like?” Sirius asked keenly.

“Yes great,” Harry said quickly. He didn’t want to mention that it had been absolutely terrifying,
and he had jolted around in the sky so violently he was sure they were about to plummet straight to
the ground, and he’d hated every moment. “Landed a few hours ago, just made it into town,” he
said.

“Oh great. Tell me what was it like? I have to come with you next time. I haven’t been up in one
for so long,” Sirius’ voice drifted off as he undoubtedly thought about his time in the RAF. Harry
knew from experience that this could quickly descend into a long story about the intricate
workings of a plane and his complex maneuverers during the war and so he quickly moved on. Not
that he didn’t love to hear the stories, but right now he had somewhere to be.

“Is Pa around? Tell him I got in safe, but I best be off.” Harry said.

“Right, of course. Let us know how things are going. Love you,”

“Love you” Harry quickly replied before hanging up the receiver. He smiled at the shopkeeper
who had been watching him quite unnervingly this entire time and quickly shimmied his way out
of the shop before he could embarrass himself any further.

He pulled a map from out of his bag and studied its pages as he wandered through the small
medieval streets that were canopied by draping trees and brilliant sunshine. He found himself in
front of a small stone cottage, there were blooming lilacs and sweet smelling lavender bushes
outside of it. There was a man crouched down besides the gate. He was pulling weeds from the
flowerbed and patting the soil down with his hands. Harry recognised him at once, even after ten
years. He didn’t look so different, maybe a few grey hairs and a new maturity in his face, but he
was still the Regulus Harry remembered. Harry approached and stood by the gate, feeling awkward
and suddenly very aware that he hadn’t announced his visit.

He was about to say something when Regulus stood up and brushed his hands on his trousers. He
stretched his neck and squinted into the sun, as he turned towards the gate he jolted in shock when
he spotted Harry standing limply by the gate.

“James?” Harry’s stomach dropped and Regulus seemed to realise his mistake in the same moment
the word left his mouth. He stepped back, uneasy on his feet as Harry smiled weakly at him and
waved.

“Hi Uncle Reg,” he said.

“Harry,” Regulus said finally. Harry decided it was probably best not to mention the slip of the
name, it happened quite often now from people who had known James. He had seen pictures of his
father, so he had to agree he did look remarkably similar to him, but it was still strange to be
directly addressed by the name.

“I- um… I hope you don’t mind me turning up,” Harry blathered. He was terrible at this, he rubbed
the back of his head awkwardly as Regulus’ remained staring at him as if he’d seen a ghost. “I
just… well I thought I’d come and see you.”

Regulus nodded appearing to finally come to himself. “Of course!” he said quickly. He darted
forwards and opened the gate, gesturing for Harry to enter. Harry smiled thankfully and walked up
to the terracotta orange front door. He followed Regulus through the house, and he looked around
himself as he walked through the front room. Pictures adorned the wall of people Harry had never
seen before, pale pink curtains flapped gently as a breeze filtered through the house and there were
yellow tulips in a vase by the window.

Regulus led Harry out into the garden. There was a small patio that sat directly in the sun and the
garden was overflowing with flowers and trees. It was very beautiful. Harry took a seat at the patio
table and sat stiffly as Regulus rushed around. He darted into the kitchen and returned with a large
jug of water and a bottle of wine. He appraised it awkwardly for a moment before hurrying back
inside and returning with a plate of cheese, meat, and bread.

“Is that okay? I can make something more substantial if you want,” he asked. Harry heard the
frantic note in Regulus’ voice, and he felt guilty that he hadn’t phoned to warn him of his arrival.

“No this is great. Thank you,” he replied. There was an odd sort of formality between them and
Regulus stood beside him as he poured them both a large glass of cold white wine. Regulus ran a
hand through his hair and looked around himself, clearly looking for something he had missed.
When he couldn’t find anything, he sat down next to Harry and lifted his glass in a toast. Harry
returned the gesture and took a long sip of the refreshingly cool wine. They sat in silence for a long
while. Harry kept drinking for an almost comically long amount of time as he tried to think of what
to say. He didn’t anticipate it being this awkward, although knowing him, he probably should have.

“I arrived on the plane-”

“How was the jour-”

They both spoke at the same time and chuckled slightly as they interrupted each other.

“I got here this morning,” Harry continued. “I just wanted to visit, I hope it’s okay.”

“Yes, you’re always welcome Harry,” Regulus replied. They fell into another tense silence and
watched the gently waving trees in the breeze. “You can stay as long as you want. How’s things
back home?”

“Oh good yes,” Harry said, keen to find a thread of conversation. “Same as always. I’m taking
some time off before going to university. Ron and Hermione have already left so it’s a bit quiet.”

“Mmm,” Regulus agreed. “What about Dean? He must be how old now?”

“Fourteen. He’s taken over ownership of the hideaway,” Harry huffed a laugh. “It’s him, Lily, and
Neville there all the time together now.”

“Neville is Frank’s boy?” Regulus asked. Harry realised that they’d probably never met. Frank had
moved to Godric’s Hollow when Neville was already four years old. Apparently James’ constant
chatter about how beautiful and quaint the place was had convinced him to move with Alice.

“Yep,” Harry replied. Why was he talking about his friends and the hideaway? It was a ridiculous
thing to be talking about after all these years and with so much unsaid between them. He huffed
slightly and twirled his wine glass between his fingers as he tried to think of something to break
through the awkwardness. “Oh! I have something for you,” he said suddenly. Regulus’ eyebrows
raised and he watched curiously as Harry leant down and reached into his backpack. He pulled out
a small cloth pouch and handed it over to Regulus.

Regulus took it in his hand inquisitively and opened the drawstring at the top. He pulled out the
silver chain and ornate locket and gasped as he looked down at it. “It’s my dad’s locket,” he said
rather redundantly. Regulus nodded slowly and Harry saw that his eyes immediately clouded up
with tears. He swallowed heavily and looked up at Harry.

“No, I can’t take it. It should be yours,” he said. Harry shook his head determinedly.

“I read his diary, my dad’s. He explained it all, he said that you gave it to him to borrow. He
promised that he would return it once… well once it was all over. So, I’m returning it.”

Regulus looked taken aback, he studied Harry carefully and Harry could see that his hand had
begun to tremble slightly. Regulus looked at the locket again and ran a thumb down its edge before
opening it. Harry knew what he would find inside, a picture of Regulus and his mum at a bar. They
looked very young in that photo, and very happy. There was another photo in there too, of James
and Harry in a photo booth. Harry couldn’t remember it being taken, but it was one of his favourite
photos. It had been torn off a line of four, the other three were safely tucked away in his diary and
so he didn’t mind giving it to Regulus. Regulus' face shifted through several different emotions as
he looked down at the photos, he smiled slightly, and Harry saw a tear escape his eye and run
down his cheek.

“Thank you,” he breathed after a long while. Harry felt suddenly uncomfortable with the poignant
mood that had descended so he shifted in his seat and shrugged.

“No problem,” he said, trying to affect an air of casualness.

“I have ones just like this,” Regulus said, still staring at the photos. He clasped the locket in his
hands and darted up from the table. He quickly walked into the house and Harry looked after him
dumbstruck, was he supposed to follow? After a moment, Regulus returned with a photo frame and
presented it to Harry. Framed in a simple wooden setting was a line of four photos taken in a photo
booth. It must have been the same day, Harry realised. They were of his dad and Regulus, they
were smiling at the camera and laughing. In the third picture they were staring at each other with
such a look of devotion it left Harry feeling quite shocked. He had heard about his dad and
Regulus’ relationship and he had read about it in his dad’s diary of course. But to see the look that
James was levelling Regulus with made everything fall into place in a solid, real way that it never
really had before. He was in love with him, it was obvious. In the final picture they were snogging
and Harry wanted to laugh. Some part of him had always seen his dad as a proper grown up, a
solider that was responsible and went to war to fight for ‘the greater good’. Seeing him in that
photo Harry realised he wasn’t much older that Harry’s eighteen years. He was young, and in love,
and kissing like time was running out.

“What was he like?” Harry asked as he looked at James’ brilliant smile and familiar tufty hair.

“Don’t Sirius and Remus talk about him?” Regulus asked.

“Yes they do of course, but… well what do you remember about him?”

Regulus’ eyebrows pinched and he thought about it for a moment. He sighed and looked up at the
sky as he was clearly brought back twenty years.

“He was… he was like a fire. Heated and passionate, full of life and impossible to tame. He… well
he consumed me entirely, and he loved like nobody I’ve ever met before. He loved quickly and
without bias, he could tell you exactly how he was feeling, and he felt no shame about it. He was
just…” Regulus stopped for breath and looked at Harry, his eyes were now watery and Harry felt
slightly ashamed that he had arrived on his doorstep and forced these emotions to surface. “He was
just life. Everything that involves, the hurts, the successes, energy, and goodness. He captivated it
all.”

Harry smiled at Regulus and felt his own eyes begin to sting. He glanced down at the photo again
and watched the trapped moment for a long while.

“I wish I could remember him,” he said after a moment, his voice shook with emotion, and he
coughed to clear his throat. “I can remember mum a little bit. Or at least I think I can, the sound of
her voice, the image of her holding me on her hip. Sometimes I’m not sure if they’re real memories
or not. But dad… I don’t remember him.”

Regulus nodded sadly and placed a hand on Harry shoulder. “He only knew you for a very short
amount of time. You were so young,” he said.

Harry twisted his mouth to prevent himself from crying. It would be terribly embarrassing to fall
apart so soon after turning up uninvited at Regulus’ house.

“You remind me so much of Lily,” Regulus said after a moment as he watched Harry closely.

“My mum? People usually say I look like my dad,” Harry replied.

“You look like him yes. But the way you talk, the way you carry yourself. It’s all Lily.”

“That’s one of the reasons I wanted to come actually. I know you knew her, that you were friends
with her,” said Harry.

“Sirius and Remus did too. So did your Aunties Mary and Marlene. They all knew her much longer
than I did so they probably have more stories to tell.” Harry shrugged, he had heard all the stories
they could tell him. He wanted more.

“Anything you could tell me really,” he replied. He looked at Regulus hopefully, desperate for any
crumb that he could give him.

“Well… I suppose…” Regulus frowned as he thought about it for a moment, something came to
him, and a flash of a smile crossed his face. “Did Sirius ever tell you about the time she made me a
shirt-less sequined suit to piss off our parents?” he said. Harry shook his head, his heart hammering
at the idea that there was a story he hadn’t yet heard. Regulus spoke of Lily, about how she had
immediately been on board with creating mischief, about how she had embraced him when he had
arrived at the manor and was surly and rude to everyone else. He told Harry of their trip to a gay
bar in London and Harry laughed with his chest at hearing about it from Regulus’ mouth. Sirius
had told a very different story of how they had run off and almost died.

“See? Pa never tells me stories like that. From what he says you’d assume they’d all lived like
monks in their youth,” Harry said after Regulus had finished speaking. Regulus snorted
unbelievingly.

“Oh believe me they didn’t. Remus was no monk as a teenager. Besides, didn’t he ever tell you
about how he snogged your dad?”

“Wait, what?” Harry exclaimed. “Remus snogged my dad?”

Regulus laughed again. “It was just a game of spin the bottle down at the hideaway, but I don’t
remember him complaining.” Regulus laughed softly at the memory. Harry’s mouth dropped open
in shock. He wasn’t sure if he was impressed or horrified. “The stories that shed could tell would
be quite scandalous I’m sure,” Regulus said with a laugh.

“Eurgh god, I’m never going to be able to set foot back there now,” he said with a shiver.

“And I suppose you tell Remus and Sirius everything you and your friends get up to at the
hideaway?” Regulus said, quirking his eyebrow knowingly. Harry blushed and shook his head.

“I suppose not, no.”

Regulus chuckled and took another sip of his wine. Things had noticeably eased between them
now and Harry didn’t feel that same awkwardness that left him feeling so clammy and stiff when
he first arrived. He decided it was time to ask more questions, to find out more of the answers he
wanted to know.

“How did my mum and dad get together anyway? I asked everybody and nobody really knows the
answer. Pa just clams up and goes bright red as if I’m asking for the gory details. In his diary dad
doesn’t really explain,” Harry asked.

“He doesn’t?”

Harry shook his head and pulled the diary from his bag. It was wrapped in a cloth to keep it
protected, it was his most precious possession and he had read it so often he could probably recite
it by heart now. He cleared his throat and sat up straight.

“I quote- ‘Lily seemed like an angel in the moonlight. She looked at me with kindness during my
loneliness hour. We were all so lost, back then,” Harry stopped to give a little flourish with his
hands to indicate the gravitas with which he was speaking. “We were two lost souls who found
each other for a brief, fateful moment as we continued our journeys towards our individual
destinies’,” Harry stopped and gave Regulus a disgusted look. He gagged theatrically and raised an
eyebrow as Regulus bit his lip to stop from laughing. “Who the fuck talks like that?” he said.

Regulus began laughing heartedly then. “He never spoke like that!” he said, wiping a tear from his
eye. “I think James was trying to be poetic.” Harry chuckled and carefully placed the diary back in
his bag.
“So what really happened? How come I’m here if they were never actually together? The truth,
please?”

“James didn’t know how to pull out,” Regulus said dryly. Harry shot Regulus an unimpressed look
as Regulus smirked into his drink. “I don’t know Harry. I think it really was just like he said. They
were both in bad places. I had ended things with him… well I’m sure he explained that all in there.
And they found comfort with each other. What’s more to explain?”

“Everything,” Harry said. “I want to know it all. From the moment you arrived at the manor that
summer.”

Regulus’ smile dropped and his eyes glazed over slightly as he was clearly brought back to a
faraway memory. After a long moment he exhaled and turned to face Harry.

“Okay fine. I’ll start from the beginning.”

Regulus talked for a long time, he spoke of his arrival at the manor. He told Harry about how
miserable he had been, that he missed London and his debaucherous lifestyle. He spoke of how
James had torn down his walls and snuck his way into his heart. He spoke honestly of the troubles
they had, about being separated during the war and how James had helped him survive during the
worst of times. Harry listened attentively and soaked in every precious word. He was grateful to
Regulus, that he didn’t sugar-coat the worst parts, he told it to him honestly. James had never been
so real to Harry as when he listened to Regulus talk about him.

Once Regulus was finished they sat in the afternoon sun in silence. Harry contemplated what he
had heard and Regulus remained introspective, the memories clearly playing across his mind as he
squinted into the sun.

“You are the picture of him, I bet it gets annoying how often people must tell you. But you really
are so similar to James.” Regulus said absentmindedly as Harry ran a hand through his hair.

“In more ways than one,” he replied under his breath.

“What do you mean?” Regulus asked, apparently Harry hadn’t been as quiet as he thought. “Don’t
tell me, you fancy your best mates younger sibling? Or is it… you like boys too?” Regulus said.
Harry could tell from Regulus’ tone of voice that he was just joking, he didn’t realise how
accurately he’d pinned him down. Harry flushed and he could feel the bright red burning on his
cheeks.

“Um…” he said before darting his eyes around the garden. “I guess… both” he replied.

Regulus snorted so loudly at the shock of laughter that exploded from him that Harry jolted in
alarm, quite sure that Regulus was about to choke. Regulus beat his chest with his fist and gathered
himself somewhat. “Christ, sorry… Sorry Harry… that’s great,” he said, trying to scrape back
some semblance of dignity. Harry laughed too; it was quite funny he supposed. Harry slouched
down in his seat and smirked at Regulus.

“Like father, like son I guess,” he said.

“Who is it then?” Regulus prompted.

“Oh… it’s not the same person,” Harry said. “Ginny was my girlfriend for a about a year, we broke
up. I don’t know if you remember her-”
“Ron’s little sister? I remember her,” Regulus said. “Ron didn’t mind?”

Harry shrugged. He thought about the day Ron had burst into the hideaway to see Ginny in Harry’s
lap snogging with his hand up her jumper. He had absolutely minded at the time. His face had gone
a beetroot shade of red and he had proceeded to chase Harry across the grounds until he found
Remus and shielded himself behind his tall frame. Ron had sworn and shouted at Harry as Remus
swung around trying to make sense of the drama that had descended upon him. Ron had come
round eventually, and he’d been a decent mate when Ginny had broken up with Harry six months
previously. She wanted to go to university and Harry was still undecided about what he wanted. He
supposed that should have been the first sign. Ron had followed Hermione to Cambridge and
found a job at a local pub while she studied. It didn’t even occur to Harry that he should plan for a
future with Ginny.

“So if the boy’s not Ginny…” Regulus said, teasing an answer from Harry. He hadn’t expected to
be admitting this to Regulus, he hadn’t even spoken to Sirius and Remus about it yet. He figured if
anyone would understand it would be Regulus. He sighed and took a sip from his wine before
speaking.

“It’s not one boy in particular. Well it is but… I mean I’ve fancied other boys too. There was a
bloke in the year above on the rugby team, Cedric who was fit. And I used to traipse around after
Ron’s brother Charlie before I realised what fancying someone even meant.” Harry was bumbling
now, and he didn’t know what he saying. He cringed at his awkward words but Regulus watched
him attentively so he continued speaking. “You know I went to Hogwarts for one year before I got
sick of it?” he said. Regulus nodded, despite the long absence, he and Sirius had been in constant
contact. Sirius continuously sent Regulus updates about what was happening and so he had
undoubtedly heard about Harry’s brief stint at boarding school. Remus and Sirius didn’t want him
to go but he had insisted as a precocious eleven year old that he wanted to follow in his dad’s
footsteps. After only a year there surrounded by stuck up toffs he quickly realised it wasn’t for
him.

“Well when I was at Hogwarts there was this other kid, he was an awful spoiled brat and so
annoying. We hated each other. We were constantly in detentions from fighting. When I didn’t
return in second year he sent me a letter making fun of me, saying I couldn’t stick it and I was an
unrefined prick.” Harry frowned as he remembered the fury he had felt when he had received the
letter. Regulus’ eyebrows pinched in confusion, undoubtedly wondering what this had to do with
anything. “So I wrote him back, telling him he was a posh knobhead and I couldn’t stand to look at
his dumb face anymore. After that, he sent me another letter. Then we just didn’t stop writing I
guess…” Harry sighed deeply, it was quite ridiculous now that he was saying it out loud.
“Somewhere along the way we stopped insulting each other and just started… talking. I could tell
him things I couldn’t tell anyone else. About mum and dad. He told me about his family too, how
he felt like he was trapped with their ridiculous expectations from him and he didn’t see a way
out.”

“So you kept in touch?” Regulus said, understanding in his voice. Harry nodded guiltily and
looked up at Regulus.

“Yeah. We sent each other pictures as we grew up, he’s so fit now. He said we should meet but
I’m nervous… what if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if he’s still a prick in person?”

Regulus smiled reassuringly at Harry and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Even if that turns out to
be the case, which I’m sure it’s not. You won’t regret trying. You’ll only ever have questions if
you don’t try.”
Harry sighed deeply and nodded. “Don’t know what I’ll tell Pop. He’ll go fucking spare,”

“Harry, you do realise that Sirius is gay?” Regulus said amused. “I don’t think he’ll mind you
fancying a boy,”

Harry chuckled and shook his head. “No of course, he might mind that I fancy Draco fucking
Malfoy though.” Regulus gasped and his eyes widened in surprise.

“Malfoy?” he asked. Harry murmured and took a sip of his wine.

“Yup, Lucius’ son.”

Regulus bent over laughing again from the shock of the admission. “God it’s a small world,” he
said. “His wife, Narcissa is our cousin you know? They tried to marry me off to his sister once
upon a time.”

“They did?” Harry asked before a horrifying realisation dawned on him. “Oh god I just realised…
if she’s your cousin, does that make me and Draco…” he trailed off as his mind worked in
overdrive trying to figure out the complex problem.

“No, I think you’re safe there,” Regulus laughed. “Sirius isn’t actually related to you,”

“Oh yeah,” Harry huffed, it was easy to forget sometimes that Remus and Sirius weren’t his real
family. “I think I’m just a bit mixed up at the moment,” Harry admitted. “I’m not sure what to do
with myself. When dad was my age he was about to head off to war and I can’t even figure out
what I want to do next week.”

“Your dad didn’t have a clue what he wanted at your age either,” Regulus said quickly. “And he
never wanted to go to war, we were forced to sacrifice those years in which you’re supposed to
have no clue what you’re doing with yourself.”

Harry sighed and nodded. He had read his dad’s diary enough to know that Regulus wasn’t lying
about that. James had made it perfectly clear how desperately he wanted to return to a normal,
quiet life.

“I thought about moving to London for a bit, to stay with Aunty Marlene and Dorcas,” Harry said.

“That’s a good idea,” Regulus said. “Are they still in Bethnal Green?”

“No, they moved up to Highgate when Dorcas started her medical training.” Dorcas was a doctor
at the Whittington now and she and Marlene lived in a bright and colourful house in Highgate
Village. “Although I don’t know what I’d do in London either to be honest.”

“Don’t you want to take over the estate?” Regulus asked. Harry sighed dramatically and slumped
even further into his chair.

“Would it be awful if I told you no?” he said guiltily. “Truth is, I’m not much of a farmer. Don’t
have any interest in it. I think I might want to be a teacher.”

“A teacher?” Regulus responded, clearly surprised. “That sounds like a great plan.”

“Pa said he’s fine with it, but I’m worried I’m letting him down,” Harry replied. Remus had always
loved working the estate so much, he always came to life when he was in the fields. Harry
struggled to picture him anywhere else, it was like he was part of the landscape. He had never felt
that same affinity. He loved the countryside, he loved Godric’s Hollow. But when it came to
harvesting or mucking out the pigs, he just couldn’t find the enjoyment in it that his father seemed
to love so much.

“You couldn’t let him down if you tried.”

“He has a guy working with him, Mikey. He stayed with us during the war. Pa is training him up
so he won’t need my help anyway.”

“Well there you are then,” Regulus said, as if it was as simple as that. “Besides, it’s not like Remus
is an old man. He can cope just fine on his own.”

“Urgh try telling Pa that,” Harry groaned. “They act like they’re basically retired and they’re only
thirty-nine years old!” Regulus laughed at that.

“Sirius too?”

“Oh he’s just as bad. The other day I came home to find the pair of them sitting outside the cottage
in bloody lawn chairs. I asked what they were doing and Pa said that he had seen a badger run
through the yard the night before so they were waiting to see if it would come by again!” Harry
raised his hands in exasperation and Regulus’ tightened his mouth as he tried not to laugh too hard.
“That’s not the worst bit,” Harry said gravely. “They had blankets over their laps and Pop was
knitting!”

Regulus laughed again and relaxed back into his chair. He smiled now, the tension entirely lifted
from when Harry had first arrived on his doorstep unannounced.

“Is that why you’re here? You’re trying to work what you want to do with your life?” Regulus
asked.

“Yes, partly.” Harry said. He took a breath and tried to find the confidence for what he was going
to say next. He was nervous, he realised, he didn’t know how Regulus was going to react. “I’ve
also come… well I’m here to bring you home. You told Pop you’d come back.”

Regulus’ eyes widened in surprise, and he looked speechless for a moment as Harry’s words
landed. “I know I did…” he said carefully. “But I have a life here. I have… I have Barty.” Harry
nodded like that was no problem at all.

“I know. But I thought… well I don’t know where I’ll be in a few months. Hopefully I’ll end up
back in Godric’s Hollow, but I don’t think I’ll be at the cottage much longer. I just thought, if I
could get you to come home the place wouldn’t seem so empty.”

Regulus’ eyes softened and he looked kindly at Harry.

“I can’t leave Barty. Truthfully, I don’t want to. Your dad would probably go mad with jealousy,
but I love him Harry. And he needs to be here, he can’t move very well with his leg and… well this
place holds a lot of memories for him.”

Harry frowned and considered this. He had heard about what had happened to Barty during the war
from one of Regulus’ letters. He had joined the resistance with his sisters and had been quite
successful until he got caught in a bomb and needed most of his leg amputated. Later, his sisters
had both been arrested trying to lure some German soldiers into a trap and they had been executed
in the village square. It was a horrifying story and Harry couldn’t imagine how Barty had coped
with the loss. Right on cue, Barty appeared at the door behind the pair. He was keeping himself
upright between two long crutches beneath his armpits. He looked out at Harry and Regulus, he
had clearly overheard at least the last part of the conversation. Regulus jumped up upon noticing
him there.

“Barty! This is Harry-”

“James’ son,” Barty finished, looking at Harry with an inquiring gaze. “Reggie wasn’t lying, you
look just like him.”

Harry smiled at Barty, feeling awkward around this new man. He was no good at talking with new
people, especially people who held so much weight. He wondered what Barty was thinking, that
Harry had turned up at his house of the blue like this and asked Regulus to come home. He didn’t
seem annoyed however, he looked kind, if a little tired.

“He wants you to go back to England?” Barty said in French. Harry wanted to interrupt, to tell him
that he could understand perfectly. Sirius had made sure that he was fluent by the age of ten.
Regulus knew however and didn’t seem too concerned about their conversation being overheard.

“He does. I was telling him that I won’t be. That my home is here now.”

Barty frowned and began making his way out of the house towards the table. Regulus darted
forwards and wrapped an arm around him, helping him to the patio.

“Where’s your chair? You’re putting too much strain on your leg,” he complained as Barty sat
heavily besides Harry. Barty chuckled and raised his eyebrows at Harry, letting him in on some
joke after only a few minutes of knowing him. Regulus pulled up another chair besides Barty and
poured him a glass of wine.

“I didn’t mean Regulus should come back alone,” Harry said, breaking the silence. Barty and
Regulus both looked up at him in surprise at that. “I wanted to ask you both to come back. We’ve
cleared out the office on the ground floor of the manor for a bedroom, so you won’t have to climb
the stairs.” Regulus’ mouth dropped open and he was clearly speechless. After a long moment
Barty cleared his throat and turned to Regulus.

“Mon chou, I know it must be difficult… but maybe it’s not a bad idea?” he said. Harry was
surprised that it was Barty who was the most receptive to the idea.

“What are you talking about? This is your home,” Regulus replied. Barty looked around him and
frowned slightly.

“Yes, it is. But truthfully, before you came here, I was desperate to leave. After what happened…”
Barty paused to steady himself as his voice wavered slightly. “After my sisters, this place felt
haunted. There are so many memories in these walls. You’ve brightened them up and brought so
much joy, but often… often it feels like I can’t escape those bad thoughts. Maybe now it’s time for
us to move on?”

“I didn’t know you felt that way,” Regulus said softly. He frowned deeply and reached out to clasp
Barty’s hands in his own. He looked down at their hands for a long time, contemplating it
intensely. Finally, he looked up and met Harry’s eye.

“Effie and Monty? They don’t mind?” he asked. Harry shook his head vigorously, excited that the
idea seemed to be gaining traction.

“Not at all! It was Grandpa's idea to convert the office!” he said quickly. Regulus bit his bottom lip
and glanced at Barty. They shared a meaningful look before he sighed and nodded.

“Okay then, let’s go home,” he said to Harry.

Harry approached the manor first. They walked around the side of the house and Harry could see
the anxiety playing on Regulus’ face as looked around nervously. It must bring back a lot of
memories, Harry considered. They walked across the large green lawn and Regulus paused as he
looked over the expansive grounds with a distant look in his eye.

Harry led them towards the kitchen garden, Regulus wheeled Barty in front of him but remained
firmly behind Harry. They made their way through the rows of vegetables and opened the kitchen
door. Harry stepped in first, his family were seated around the table, speaking loudly and laughing.
A painting of yellow tulips hung on the wall behind them. His grandparents were sat next to each
other reading from the same newspaper. Their age was showing, but they were as spritely and
warm as they had ever been. The men who had raised him were sat besides them. Remus was
drinking a cup of tea and listening carefully as Sirius explained something apparently very thrilling,
gesturing his arms out wildly.

They all stopped and looked up as the group entered the kitchen. Barty had stood from his chair,
and he had one arm around Regulus’ shoulder, the other resting on a crutch. They walked in and
Regulus gave the group a nervous smile.

“Hi,” he said in a wavering and uneasy voice.

Sirius was the first to jump up from the table, he bounded across the room and embraced Regulus
tightly into his arms. They clung to each other for a long time as the others slowly made their way
to the door. Sirius eventually released his hold from Regulus, he clasped hold of his shoulders and
looked into his eyes.

“You came home,” he said.

“I said I would,” Regulus replied. “Just needed a little reminding.” The brothers grinned at each
other then. Their smiles changed their faces in near identical ways, both men’s eyes crinkled in the
same way and Harry thought they almost looked like twins in that moment. Sirius then turned to
Barty and pulled him into a tight bearhug resulting in a surprised huff from the other man. Barty
visibly relaxed with the eager welcome he received, and he shot a relieved look towards Harry.

Once they had all embraced Regulus and Barty, they sat around the kitchen table with a fresh pot
of tea and talked about the journey there. Harry was pleased to note that Regulus was even more
suspicious of the airplane than Harry was and he had no problem telling Sirius about it. Harry
watched as they fell into a familiar and comfortable conversation. Barty spoke with Effie and
Monty and Regulus’s entire body seemed alleviated of some invisible tension he had been carrying.

Later that evening, as they sat on the terrace drinking cool glasses of white wine, the doorbell rang
and echoed across the house. They all looked up and Effie frowned.

“Expecting anyone?” she asked. Everybody shook their heads except Regulus who shot Harry a
slightly guilty look.

“I hope you don’t mind. I invited my cousin’s son to stay for a few weeks. I should have asked-”
Regulus said quickly.

Effie quickly shook her head and made to stand from the table. “Of course not, Reg. The more the
merrier! You know how I hate a quiet house.” Harry’s face had immediately flushed red, and his
heart began hammering in his chest.
“I’ll get it!” Harry said quickly before standing abruptly from the table. Everyone turned to look at
him with surprise and he rubbed a hand through his hair. He narrowed his eyes at Regulus who
couldn’t hide the smile playing at his mouth despite his best efforts to look remorseful. Harry
walked away from the table with as much casualness as he could muster before launching himself
through the house and towards the front door.
 Sign of the Times
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

James

James stretched his arms above himself laboriously as he lay out on the sofa in the stifling hot
sitting room of the manor. He yawned and sat up. He’d accidentally fallen asleep at some point
during the course of the morning and he shook his head to wake himself up. The day was
oppressively hot. He sat up and blinked around himself, the house was quiet, he couldn’t hear a
thing other than the steady ticking of the clock in the corner of the room. He rubbed his hands over
his face to wake himself up some more. His mother’s book was laying open on the coffee table in
front of him, so he picked it up and flicked through the pages. It sent a shiver down his spine to
think of his sweet mother reading this filth with her friends, but he thought about nicking it from
her once she was done nonetheless. He opened the first page and read for a while before the still
air of the sitting room got too much to bear. He would have to venture outside, he realised, there
might be a hint of a breeze to provide some relief.

He threw the book down behind him and strolled through the manor. Every door and window was
open, a desperate attempt to provide some airflow to the cavernous rooms within. He made his way
down to the kitchen and saw that it was empty of any activity. He walked to the fridge and pulled
out a bottle of lemonade and took several long gulps before exiting through the kitchen door into
the vegetable garden. There were a few bees lazily bumbling from plant to plant, but otherwise
there was no one around.

James sighed and decided he’d head into the village to kill some time instead. He jumped on the
back of his bike and cycled lazily through the long country lanes towards the village. Fields of
green and yellow spread out around him as he meandered around the bendy stone-wall lined lanes.
He wasn’t in a rush; he didn’t have anywhere to be. He made it into the village green and spotted a
singular other person. Lily was standing at the far side of the green in front of a large red post box.
She had something clutched in her hands and was frowning down at it. James cycled towards her
and hopped off as he reached her.

“What you got there?” he asked. Lily jumped slightly at his sudden arrival and her face shifted into
an anxious grimace.

“Oh it’s nothing,” she said.

“Doesn’t look like nothing, looks pretty important to me,” James said.

Lily turned to face him and hesitated for a second before speaking. “It’s an application,” she said.
“For a dressmaking class in London.”

James whistled lowly and approached Lily. He leaned against the post box and considered her
anxious energy. “Shouldn’t it go in the box?” he suggested. Lily rolled her eyes at him, but he
could see a smirk leaking out from beneath the façade.

“I’m not sure… well it’s a bit silly, isn’t it?”

“What is? Post boxes? I think they’re rather ingenious actually. Can you imagine how difficult it
would be to send a letter without them,” James replied. Lily raised her eyebrow at him, and James
couldn’t help but laugh. “What are you worried about Lils?”

“What if I don’t get in? What if they say I’m not good enough and it was ridiculous for me to even
think I had a chance?”

James scoffed. “Not a chance, I’ve never met someone so gifted in all my life. Look at the dress
you’re wearing, could have told me came straight from Paris and I’d believe you,” he said. She
was wearing a pretty green dress that complemented her dark red hair rather well. It had short
sleeves, a swooping collar and a loose skirt that puffed out from her waist. Lily smiled slightly and
looked down at her dress. She was still clutching the letter in her hand tightly and its edges had
begun to get crinkled. Eventually she shrugged and looked around the sleepy village, it was
unnaturally quiet and there didn’t seem to be a single person outside. “Lily, is all that’s stopping
you from posting that letter the fact that you think you’re not good enough?” James asked after a
moment.

Lily twisted her mouth as she contemplated the question before nodding sadly at James.

“Okie doke,” James said, he jumped towards her and grabbed the letter from her hand. He shoved
it into the post box before she had any time to react.

“James!” Lily cried. He turned to face her and shrugged, not attempting to supress the grin on his
face. “I was going to do it,” she mumbled after a moment.

“I know you were,” he said. James softened his smile and looked at her properly, she met his eye
and couldn’t help from returning the smile.

“Thanks James,” she said reluctantly after a moment.

“You’re going to be magnificent Lily, just wait and see.” Lily shrugged, but she still had that smile
twitching at the corner of her mouth. She turned to walk away back towards the tailors. “Are you
coming to the dance tonight?” James called after her.

“Yep,” she replied over her shoulder.

“And are you finally going to dance with me?”

“Nope.”

“That’s alright, I’m a very patient man.”

Lily turned to face him but continued walking backwards.

“I know you are James. And believe me, what you’re really waiting for, it’s going to find you.”

Her face broke into a dazzling grin and she laughed before she turned away and jogged away from
him.

James huffed slightly and watched her leave. He scanned the village green and found it empty. He
got on his bike and rode to Marlene’s, the windows and doors were closed and there didn’t appear
to be anyone home. He threw down his bike and began trudging up the tall hill that sat behind her
house. He immediately regretted the exertion when his shirt began seeping with sweat and his
breath became laboured. Once he’d finally puffed his way to the top, he took a seat on the parched
grass and looked across the sweep of the countryside.

It was beautiful there, the cloudless skies and rolling hills spread out before him like eternity. It
 was probably his favourite place in the world, that small hill in a forgotten part of England.

The hours stretched in those days, long hot summer evenings and sunny, stifling afternoons. James
felt like time had slowed for him. He was waiting for something and time itself was conspiring
against him to prevent him from finding it sooner.

He thought about the rest of the day. Sirius would be arriving later, and then they’d likely head to
the hideaway with Remus to drink before the dance. What he’d do in the meantime, he had no idea.
Maybe he’d go back to the manor and lay out on the lawn to soak in some of the sun. He closed his
eyes and let the heat beat down on him, a gentle breeze blew across his face and a bird sung in the
distance. He took a deep breath of the warm country air and exhaled.

‘Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we
are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes.

It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble
over the obstacles. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.’

Chapter End Notes

This is the longest thing I've written and your nice comments have been so meaningful
and motivating along the way! I hope you enjoyed the story and it didn't break your
heart too much. I didn't realise how difficult it would be for me as it came close to the
end, I got unreasonably attached to the characters. I'll probably go through at some
point to fix any spelling and grammar mistakes. I'm on tiktok as @enia_s but don't
post v much!
But for now, thank you so much for reading! <3<3<3

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