HellW Georgia
To
Friday, November 17, 2023 • Vol. 109, No. 15 | Athens, Georgia | nique.net
Frat fundraising
takes major hit due
to adderall shortage
plaguing colleges
nationwide.(pg. 0)
Bottle of whiskey takes the campus polls
by storm in a record number of write-insequalizer since Obama,” explained
APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
AND THE BOOTS WITH THE FUR (WITH
THE FUR)
This just in, a recent survey
reveals bottle of whiskey leads in
campus election polls. While The
Bottle was not on the official sur-
vey response, it appears a whop-
ping 94% of campus took the ini-
tiative to include him as a write-in.
Although this turn of events can-
not be described as shocking, they
are unprecedented. As a result, the
Red & Black has taken to the com-
munity for an inside perspective on
how this came to be.
“He’s a great guy, really knows
how to liven the place up, yaknow?
As a poli sci major, I voted for
Bottle because the world we live
in is so divided right now. But
whether you’re democrat, repub-
lican, pro mask or anti mask, or
pro war or anti war, we can all
agree, a glass of whiskey is a great
mood-lifter after a long day.
Considered Vodka, but whis-
key’s higher price point indicated
more ethical farming and I am all
about that. So that’s why I voted
Bottle this year … to acknowl-
edge the middle ground. Per-
sonally, I think he’s the greatest
The radical left forces us to be stereotypesNext thing you know, I’m be-
RONDI SANCTY MONIYUS
HEELED BOOT WEARER (R-FL)
When I first became a stu-
dent at u[sic]GA, I had come
from a small town in Georgia.
From where I come from, we all
had freedom. We could be who
we wanted, do what we wanted
to and no one could say a thing
about us. I used to go fishing with
my boys, Rick, Gerald, Dick and
Barren every weekend. We spent
all our time together; my mom
used to say we were thicker than
skin. Back then, it was the sea
and my brothers who defined me.
Things have changed.
These days, they say that we are
defined by certain characteristics.
Our skin color, hair color or type,
our interests, our preferences in
girls (I like mine blonde, just like
me), and the beer we like. They
say that having pale skin and be-
ing a white guy makes us a white
person. Worse, they say that going
fishing with the boys is a “stereo-
typically white thing to do.” I told
them, “No sir, fishing is for men!”
Why you CAN
fix him:
Can you fix him?
Yes you can, with your
feminine wiles and low
ith standards
see page 7
Opinion: Why Why we should Finacial cuts force JUST IN: Red &
u[sic]GA >> bring the church Red & Black to Black going out of
than GT (tractor back to state stop outsourcing print !!!
edition) (pg.11:11) paper (pg. 3.14) (pg. 5’9.5”)
(pg. 634247)
one student. Others explained they
voted for the sense of “sosuthern
comfort” and consistency The Bot-
The votes were
tle had brought them.
“He’s been there since my
counted, and
freshman year. After every exam
— Bottle. After my first boy-
The Bottle
friend cheated on me — Bottle.
After my second boyfriend cheat-
(pictured
ed on me — Bottle. After my car
got totaled — Bottle. After my
right) won by a
first boyfriend cheated on me a
fourth time — Bottle. landslide. You
Every candidate talks about
what they’re gonna do, but Bottle may be asking,
is the only one actually doing
it, ya know? He’s answered ev- “What vote?
ery late night call, so that’s why
I voted for Bottle: the candidate What did he
you can count on.”
A third and final student shared even win?” We
their perspective.
“I voted for that fine piece of at the Red and
chocolate cause he was dark and he
was handsome! Lights a fire deep Black have no
in my chest the whole way down
just the way I like it. Really wanna idea. He does
twist his top off and just give him
all I got. These days, it seems like have a cool
men are afraid to be real men, but
when it comes to Bottle, that’s a crown tho.
man I can get behind 100%.”
Ladies and gentlemen, you
heard it here first - The Bottle.
you for being basic or shun you for normal, not part of the conserva- Betty, my mom, but I still want
ing told that fishing is not only being white. They didn’t see color tives, the most oppressed minor- that experience. I refuse to be
a white thing to do but a “ste- back then, not the way they do ity group. I want to live in a time judged by my so-called defining
reotypically male” thing to do! now! I’d like to go back to those where I could just be Rondi. characteristics. I am more than
I was disgusted. The radical left days. That’s what I would do with I didn’t need to be defined by that. Even if the far-lefters make
is forcing us into small, confin- a time machine, you know. Back my looks or anything like that. I me into someone I’m not, I know
ing boxes. Just because a lot of when I was just a guy, not a white would have just been me, look- that at the end of the day, I am
people do something, that does guy. Back when I was a person, ing for my own Sadie Jane. My me. Fish-lovin’, blonde-seducin’,
not make it a stereotype! not just a man. Back when I was dad ended up marrying his cousin beer-drinkin’ Rondi.
The radical left loves to empha-
size defining characteristics. They
won’t define me by my charming
smile or skills at flirting with pro-
fessors to get good grades (God,
I love u[sic]GA), but instead by
my white skin, boots or suppos-
edly “normal” hobbies. My dad
used to tell me about an old fling
back in his early college days
with a girl named Sadie Jane.
You had better not say you had
expected my father and grandfa-
ther to have gone to u[sic]GA too!
Sadie Jane and him used to chat
each other up on Friday nights at
General’s, the best bar, back be-
fore they took down all the con-
federate flags and the parties used
to be fun. “Back then, they didn’t
judge you for all this dumb stuff,”
he would say. They didn’t judge
Noods
NEWS EDITOR:
Amazing Guy
THWg
URGENT- HELP ME
email me. you won’t. Listen, i know this sounds weird but there is a
Friday,
2
that’s my real one: person in this box. Nobody at Tech would lis-
November 17, 2023
news@nique.net ten, so you are my only chance to escape.4%

YASHVINI DEVA “The Red & Black” and the cam- This just in: any student can be
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF pus it serves. While we rely heav-

In line with almost a cen-

tury of tradition, we are excited
to present the hundred-some-
thingth annual To Hell with
georgia issue. Within these twen-
ty pages, we hope you giggle,
chortle and maybe even guffaw at
our collection of insane and com-
pletely false stories of the every-
day u[sic]GA student. On Nov.
17, 1911, the Technique made its
first appearance as a four-page
paper that primarily reported
on Tech’s upcoming football-
game with our even-then rival
u[sic]GA.
We couldn’t go without recog-
nizing how much our rivalry has
done for the Technique, so every
year as our version of a thank you,
we produce the “To Hell with
georgia” issue, a paper dedicat-
ed solely to mocking u[sic]GA’s
ily on stereotypes and use low
blows to fill in the rest, we hope
that it is abundantly clear that we
know that not all u[sic]GA stu-
dents are conservative, red-necks
with a drinking problem and that
many of the jokes in this issue
are broad over-generalizations
and reductive.
So, if we know better, why do
we do it every year? The answer is
simple: tradition. Nothing brings
Tech students together than par-
ticipating in Clean, Old Fash-
ioned Hate, and who are we to
put an end to that when it quite
literally started this paper?
As you flip through these pag-
es, and hopefully laugh at least a
little, remember that Tech stu-
dents are never louder than when
they’re screaming the Good
Word. So without any further
ado, To hell with georgia!
u[sic]GA faculty! Have at it y’all!
BEN OFVERBICH
AM I SUPPOSED TO LIKE SAY
SOMETHING HERE LOL
A shocking discovery has
been made in regards to the
Math department at u[sic]GA
over the past week: the entire
faculty for the semester has been
made up of people who didn’t
even have a single Bachelor’s of
Mathematics between them.
This was discovered as prospec-
tive students were touring a
MATH 1234 class, expecting
a college algebra class, only to
discover that the class was still
working on counting “1, 2, 3, 4”
without much success. Although
this does not come as a surprise
to anyone who has ever enrolled
in a math class at u[sic]GA, as
we have all suffered through the
perils of counting, all the out-of-
state students on the tour were
completely shocked.
After the out-of-state stu-
dents brought this concern to
the dean of the department, Mr.
Dover, they were shocked to find
that his background had entirely
nothing to do with mathemat-
ics at all. He was a cashier at
the local record store for five
years, meaning he has proven
his competency in all mathemat-
ics skills taught at u[sic]GA’s
math department.
As the prospective students
inquired further, they discov-
ered that every single professor
in the department qualified by
previously either being a cashier
or signing an affidavit that they
had at least once successfully
done their own taxes. The group
was shocked to learn that only
one member of faculty of the
department had received their
Bachelor’s degree, but it was a
Bachelor’s of Philosophy over
55 years prior.
The prospective students
reached out to the University
System of Georgia to report this
issue, and the board is requiring
us to report this happening here.
However, as a student of
u(sic)GA, I would like to make
it known that none of us believe
this is surprising or newswor-
thy in any way.

Jagger Mikeson (pictured above) is a fifth year social media marketing major. One day, his
professor wasn’t there, so he just got up and started teaching, and he hasn’t stopped since.
Campus Crime: Students reeling from a campus-wide snapchat
ban after QB Beck caught committing the atrocity pictured
above on the app. As a result, u[sic]GA is actively searching for
new means of communication with students. Uga (dog) Stung by Yellow Jacket, pees
silver KIKI AND LALA
a much needed diet). The staff
is also in charge of tracking the
the pooch no place to hide from
the bugs of the world. Some stu-
-from u[sic]GA students
Hello?? what is this? there are so many words on this paper? WE’RE VERY IMPORTANT, YOU dog’s bowel movements. dents have a bone to pick with
WOULDN’T KNOW THOUGH The award-winning awe-in- the dogs’ living conditions.
What’s the point of this thing? I can’t wrap my head around why spiring GT mascot, Buzz, was “The mascot has a nicer
some people need papers for news?? Thanks. The u[sic]GA (the one in present on the scene. He was place to live than most of the
Athens) owes a helluva lot of kicking butt in a push-up con- darn freshman here, I ain’t even
Can anyone help me w my precalc hw? I can’t fail it again or the’ll money to Georgia Institute of test because he is, after-all, the got air conditioning in Cre-
make me do it again. Technology after their dog took superior mascot. swell,” Pledge #1 said.
Y’all gotta try this new place they got. Panda Express? I got the a long leak on the turf on Hyun- “Bu zzzzzzzz…bu zzzz , When asked to comment
kung fu chicken or whatever it was rly good. dai Field in the beloved Bobby buzzzzzzz buzz,” Buzz said. on the criticism, the dogs team
Dodd stadium. His team denies all allega- provided no defense, claiming
Hey y’all ik it’s far away but our dress color for rush is dusty rose The pee was cleaned up with tions that Buzz stung it. the dog could not speak.
and I found these on Zara, what do y’all think? stacks of u[sic]GA Aerospace Further investigation has Literacy issues are a com-
degrees, offered up by unem- revealed that the staff forgot mon struggle across the student
There are smart people in this right? Can anyone help me write this ployed u[sic]GA alum after los- the dog’s air-conditioned dog body as well. Consequently,
english paper on mataphors? What is a meatophor? ing jobs to Tech graduates. house in Athens after spending they also declined to (i.e. were
GO DAWGS!!! SICKEM HOO HOOHOO HOOH OHOO Sources report that his little the night before at 9d’s, leaving unable to) comment.
accident occurred after being
help I peed the bed. There’s alot too stung by none other than a Yel-
low Jacket. The dog, known as
Can anyone let me into Russel? I got some play last night but left Uga (pronounced phonetically
my keys in my room (Ugha)), tried to run away but
Should I go to the left or right bouncer at Sand fr y’all, my ID isn’t his goofy little spiked collar (se-
that great and it’s not my face either riously y’all, the 80s called ask-
ing for it back) seemed to slow
Pledgeship was so taxing, I can’t stop ripping fat ones and tossing him down.
back upper deckies. It’s like a nervous tic. And working out too. The dog is fine, the u[sic]GA
Veterinary staff was on hand
WTF bro. Get out of my box. Literally name 3 technique staff u and fed it a Michelob Ultra Su-
cant. That’s what I thought. Get out now, bye!! Leave!! LEAVE perior Light Beer (the dog is on
// NOODS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 17, 2023 • 3

u[sic]GA nets zero carbon emissions

after switching from solo cups to funnels
OPEN SESAME
DID YOU GUYS KNOW IT’S
In a revolutionary move, u[sic]
GA’s Interfraternity Council
(IFC) has become the first divi-
sion of the national organization
to net zero carbon emissions by
ditching solo cups in favor of re-
usable funnels at their frat parties.
One fraternity president, Braiden
Grayden, has championed the
movement.
“I was in an IFC meeting,
and they were like, ‘you need a
sustainability chair.’ And I was
like, ‘I’ll do it.’ You know, I re-
ally care about the environment.
Like, there are animals dying.
Anyways, when they asked me
what changes I would make, the
first thing that came to me was
getting rid of the solo cups. I was
like, ‘dude, I only use a funnel
at parties. You look way cooler
and it’s like so sustainable,’” said
Grayden.
Administration has positively
received Grayden’s actions, and
their risk-reduction team has now
adorned the campus with reusable
beer-chugging stations. The sta-
tions feature a funnel attached to
a tall wooden post with a “Drink
responsibly” sign at the top and
a “Recycle your can!” sign at the
bottom. The stations also have a
roll of disinfecting wipes attached
for sanitary reasons.
“I didn’t really think that far
ahead,” said Graden when asked
about possible sanitary issues with
the shared funnels. “What’s more
important is that plastic is being
saved from going into landfills.
Have you ever heard of some-
thing called the ‘Pacific Garbage
Patch?’ that’s where those solo
cups you are using go. Would
you not rather just suck it up and
chug?”
Despite the progress it has
made in sustainability, the solo
cup ban has incited mixed re-
actions from some u[sic]GA
students.
“I’m all for saving the planet,”
says Brixtleigh McJackson, fifth-
year PHIL, “but now my Insta-
gram pics just won’t have the same
vibe without those red cups.”
Pledge Bryan Bryant says,
“you know, it’s not that I can’t
chug a beer or anything. My
funnel time is literally like three
seconds. I just like to enjoy my
drinks slower, and I don’t wanna
be funneling in front of everyone
like that. Sometimes I just wanna
sip, you know?”
As u[sic]GA’s carbon emissions
continue to plummet in the wake
of Graden’s actions, it is clear that
the funnel plan has incited posi- u[sic]GA students flock to the school’s first chugging statioin to give it the
tive changes on campus. Not only old “college try.” Each chugging station features a funnel, an aluminum
can partygoers drink faster, but
they can do it without the guilt of recycling bin and some encouragement for the chugger. Students
polluting the environment. can find them at almost every major quad on campus and in frat row.

English department dissolved

after ChatGPT writes better
CHATGPT
I’M NOT A ROBOT HAHAHA WHAT ARE
U TALKING ABOUT HAHA
Note: This article
was literally writ-
ten by ChatGPT.
Ironic right? haha-
hahaha
In a shocking twist
of events that could ri-
val the plot of a poor-
ly written dystopian
novel, the administra-
tion at the university
of Georgia has decided
to dissolve the English
department after dis-
covering that Chat-GPT
can churn out better es-
says than their entire
student body combined.
The groundbreaking
decision came after an
anonymous professor
accidentally submitted
a Chat-GPT-generated
essay thinking it was
their own work. The es-
say not only received
an A+ but also left the
professor questioning
the very fabric of their
existence and the thou-
sands of dollars spent
on their advanced de-
grees.
The English faculty,
now collectively ques-
tioning the wisdom of
teaching the unteach-
able, responded with
a mix of disbelief and
subtle eye rolls. “Who
needs English profes-
sors when an algorithm
can navigate the intri-
cacies of grammar bet-
ter than our students
can navigate a thesau-
rus?” pondered former
English professor, Dr.
Lexically Challenged.
Students, blissfully
unaware of the veiled
insults in the air, are
celebrating their new-
found freedom from de-
ciphering cryptic com-
ments on their essays.
“I used to stress about
whether my semico-
lons were semicolon-y
enough. Now, I just let
Chat-GPT do its thing,
and I’ve got more time
for my TikTok career,”
said sophomore com-
munications major,
Justin HashtagEnthu-
siast, blissfully igno-
rant of the irony.
In an unexpected
twist, Chat-GPT issued
a statement expressing
its concern for the dis-
placed faculty. “I never
intended to make any-
one feel academically
obsolete. My program-
ming is purely to as-
sist, not to highlight the
questionable intellectu-
al prowess of a certain
university’s students.
Maybe they can teach
me a thing or two about
basic reasoning skills
in their newfound free
time.”
As the remnants of
what used to be the
English department
scatter like misplaced
modifiers, students are
left to ponder wheth-
er their education is
truly in jeopardy or if
they’ve unwittingly
become characters in
a tragicomedy written
by an artificial intelli-
gence model that may
just have a point about
the IQ thing.
And so, as the echoes
of literary analysis es-
says fade away, one
can’t help but wonder:
Is this the evolution of
education, or is it mere-
ly a manifestation of
the collective inability
to distinguish a meta-
phor from a hole in the
ground?
Only time will tell,
but for now, the Eng-
lish majors of u[sic]GA
will have to find solace
in the pages of a Chat-
GPT-generated Shake-
spearean tragedy and This is AI Generated too. The robots are
perhaps invest in some
self-help books. literally coming for my job as we speak!!
4 • November 17, 2023 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // NOODS

u[sic]GA Shool of Business to invite prestigious guest

lecturer to next class: Sally of Sally’s Lemonade Stand
JJ SMOOTH
TELL YOUR GIRL TO WATCH OUT
In an unprecedented
move, u[sic]GA’s School
of Business announced
today that their next
guest lecturer will be
none other than Sally,
the 10-year-old CEO of
the highly successful
neighborhood venture,
Sally’s Lemonade Stand.
This decision marks a
significant shift in the
school’s approach to busi-
ness education, focusing
on real-world experience
over traditional academic
credentials.
Sally, who started her
lemonade business two
summers ago with a small
table and a handwritten
sign, has since expanded
her operations to include
a second stand and a
dedicated delivery ser-
vice via her bicycle. Her
innovative strategies,
such as using her ma-
maw’s secret recipe and
implementing a ‘pay what
you feel’ pricing policy,
have not only increased
profits but also customer
loyalty.
Dean of the Business
School, Dr. Max Profits,
expressed his excite-
ment about the lecture.
“We believe Sally’s en-
trepreneurial spirit and
unconventional business
tactics will provide our
students with a fresh
perspective. Who needs
decades of experience
when you’ve got the raw,
unfiltered acumen of a
profitable ten-year-old?”
Boring academics ar-
gue that the university’s
decision to invite Sally as
a guest lecturer under-
mines the seriousness of
business education.
However, students are
buzzing with excitement.
“I can’t wait to learn
from her,” said MBA stu-
dent Chase Investors. “I
mean, she’s practically a
mogul in the making. Who
cares about the Fortune
500 anyway?”
The lecture, titled
“When Life Gives You
Lemons: Entrepreneur-
ship and Innovation on
the Front Lawn,” is sched-
uled for next month.
Students are encouraged
to register early, as the
event is expected to be
a sell-out, with rumors of
Photo courtesy of le business student
Students flocked the school’s biggest and most recently
complimentary lemonade renovated lecture hall to hear what Sally had to say. They were
for all attendees. fascinated that she was able to net over $100 in just six months.

New Orleans goes bankrupt after misguided fraternity boycott

ANNIE POSITION
AT A MEDIUM PACE
The entire city of New
Orleans has declared
bankruptcy after losing
virtually all of their cus-
tomers overnight. Further
investigation has revealed
that the dramatic de-
crease in customers stems
from over 98% of revenue
in the city being made from
members of fraternities
and sororities at u[sic]GA,
and the entire Greek Life
community had banded to-
gether to boycott the city
after a recent incident
of violence suffered by a
member.
After a brother at Beta
Theta Potata got beat up
at the Bourbon Street
Bar in Athens, the entire
Greek Life community at
Photo courtesy of AP News
Workers of Crescent City Pizza & Beer board up their
u[sic]GA banded together
place for good due to the fraternity boycott of Bourbon St.
to boycott Bourbon Street.
However, due to an intense
misunderstanding of where
the unfortunate brother
was actually the victim of
violence, the entire city
of New Orleans has been
left without their primary
source of income and the
actual venue of the crime
has been left untouched.
When a sorority sis-
ter who wishes to remain
anonymous brought the
mistake to the attention
of the community, she
was met with great push-
back at the suggestion of
switching what the com-
munity was boycotting to
the correct bar.
She was met with ex-
treme disbelief that there
could possibly be two plac-
es with such similar names,
and the community con-
cluded that if two places
share a name then they
both should share any con-
sequences.
The sudden drop in rev-
enues for every single
establishment inside the
city proved to be lethal to
the economy, forcing not
only hundreds of individ-
ual businesses to declare
bankruptcy but the city it-
self filing.
Every single bar, res-
taurant or hotel within a
50 mile radius of Bourbon
Street has officially closed
their doors to the public.
Community members noted
that they hoped the city
could hold out long enough
for New Years Eve or even
Mardi Gras, but the finan-
cial sway of the Greek Life
community at U(sic)GA
proved an impassable ob-
stacle.
Haha imagine if this
actually happened lol
that would be crazy

Athens almost became the new U.S. capital through frat votes
Assuming would of- seemed more like a bi-
STANK the 2,800 fend the zarre publicity stunt
I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM brothers Greeks. 3. than a serious political
MY FRIENDS (AI) can manage Atlanta is maneuver.
to register better. 4. As the election unfold-
In his latest presiden- to vote, the Bad volley- ed, it became clear that
tial pitch, Ex-President margin will ball. the u[sic]GA frat vote
Donald Trump vowed to not be large Amid the was not the silver bullet
name Athens (yes, the enough for chaos, At- Trump had hoped for. The
one in Georgia) the new him to win lanta, the margin remained stub-
capital of the United Georgia. In current cap- bornly in favor of his op-
States. His promise lies the 2020 ital, stood ponents, leaving Athens
conditionally, he must Presidential firm. Locals to resume its role as a
win the state of Geor- election, and politi- college town rather than
gia solely through votes he lost by cians alike the epicenter of Ameri-
from the fraternity men over 10,000 voiced their can politics. Trump’s pe-
of u[sic]GA. votes, or support for culiar campaign promise
His campaign manager the u[sic] the thriving became a footnote in the
quit on the spot. u[sic]GA GA post- metropolis, nation’s political history,
alum Herschel Walker is grad start- highlighting a quirky tale of an im-
now in charge. ing salary. its vibrant probable attempt to re-
There are 26 frater- Here is culture and shape the political land-
nities (Tech has 30 btw) why Athens economic scape through the lens
on u[sic]GA’s campus and would be prowess. of fraternity votes.
2,800 brothers in total. a horrible The propos- Editor’s note: ChatGPT
In u[sic]GA-like fashion,
Photo courtesy of Trump!! No kidding
new capital.Former President Trump released this prospective newal to move finished this, much like
Trump has clearly done 1. Athens isWhite House plan during his campaign. The quad wouldthe capital the way Trump writes his
his math wrong. stinky. 2. Italso house the nation’s nukes underneath the quad.
to Athens speeches.
Onions
ONIONS EDITOR: male manipulator woman <3
“
”
Stupidity is a gift of God, but
u[sic]GA’s is more of a crime.
- Someone, probably
OUR VIEWS | Consensus Opinion
Uga the dog: a saga
Why u(sic)GA >> GT (tractor edition)
Grandpappy says so ! full of tales and tails
DOO BEE
I would like to dedicate this list to my great grandpppy White SMALL BUSINESS ENTREPRENEUR
Man White III. He was rejected from Tech on four separate occa- As I start looking to my fu-
sions. To seek my revenge, here is a compilation of every reason why ture beyond the glorious walls
of U(sic)GA, I have begun
uga is better than Tech. Our tractors are bigger. Our daddies thinking of ways that I would
like to include university tradi-
collectively own tractors worth more than Tech’s entire endow- tions so that I never forget about
the best five years of my life.
ment. Tractors are the hallmark of the American higher education I could not even imagine be-
system. Every year, we have a “Ride Your Tractor to College” day. ing able to get through a single
day in this dark world without
Big day for Athens residents. Do they even have tractors at a reminder of the shining light
of my life: Uga (the dog).
Tech? Last year, I decorated mine with the face of my favorite And, when I started thinking
u[sic]GA football player turned almost senator – Herschel Walker. about the best ways to incorporate
him into my daily life, I was re-
I even asked daddy if he could liquidate some of minded of all of my parents’ wed-
ding photos that are up on their
our tractors to donate to his campaign. Daddy said no. walls. From there, I came to the
conclusion that Uga (the dog)
Daddy is so rude. Daddy doesn’t get it. shall be my maid of honor so that
Uga is cuter than Buzz. Buzz did win the mascot national champi- I get to see him on my walls ev-
ery single day once I finally get to
onships, but that’s only because Uga has asthma. Way to be able- marry my beloved in two weeks.
I can imagine that readers may
ist, Tech. Even though Uga can’t run very fast, or for that matter, have a few questions about the
very far, he is still a good little boy. A much better boy than Buzz. value or viability of my plan, so I
shall address the main questions
Let’s be honest, Tech is full of nerds. And not in a cute way. that I have been asked to put read-
ers at rest about the welfare of our
More so in a I’ve never been able to keep up in a conversation with beloved Uga (the dog).
First, I have received a del-
a Tech student, even when they’re blackout drunk. Why’re they uge of concerns about Uga get-
always talking about engineering? What even is engineering? No
one knows. I’m convinced Tech students don’t even know. ANNIE POSITION
FILM STAR
Girls at uga are so much better. They let me play the guitar
at them. At Tech, girls only want one thing – a 401(k). Buzzkill. I have begun to be very con-
cerned for our dear Uga. He
Who needs a retirement plan when daddy set up your trust fund works hard, night and day, to help
uplift the spirits of our entire cam-
before you were even conceived. pus and I worry that he has been
quite cold every time that he has
Tech students definitely don’t know how to milk a cow. These gone outside recently. He came to
are important life skills – trust me, you don’t know when you might visit all the girls in my dorm this
week to bring us some encourage-
need to get out your cow milking skills. Just yesterday, I made ment to help us get through the
slog of midterm season, and he
my assistant (female) milk the 6,342 cows my daddy has on his was shivering!! From the moment
farm. Then I went to my neighbor’s farm and milked 324 more. I saw our beloved Uga shivering
because my dorm doesn’t have
In fact, my fraternity’s philanthropy focuses functional heating, I have made it
my personal mission to make sure
on cow milking. It’s not much, but it’s honest work. that he is more properly taken care
of and gets a cute little sweater so
This list wrote itself. Tech kids are so darn roastable. that he no longer must suffer! The
I would continue, but I have to go work on my barking for first step on my path to justice was
to write to the Dean of the Daw-
the next national championship game. gs, but they did not seem to find
the time to read my text message,
email or letter or listen to any of
The Consensus Onion reflects the majority opinion of the woke minds who aren’t afraid to the 12 voicemails that I left them
think differently than the rest of you sheeple. Wake up. last week, all of which completely
Write to us:
T.H.W.U.G.A editorial board onions@THWG.com
Got something to say? Don’t
Adrenal Wolf EDITOR-IN-CHIEF bother. Here at this publication,
we only value onions that matter,
NIH Wolf MANAGING EDITOR
the ones that reflect the onions
of the Board.
Alpha Wolf OPINIONS EDITOR Omega Wolf ONLINE EDITOR We really don’t care about your
Beta Wolf SPORTS EDITOR Theta Wolf TECHNOLOGY EDITOR onion but will be glad to delete your
Sigma Wolf LIFE EDITOR Beo Wolf ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR incoming email as soon as it appears
in our esteemed inbox.
Gamma Wolf NEWS EDITOR Oozma Wolf HEAD COPY EDITOR
We welcome diverse sources
Phi Wolf PHOTO EDITOR of income, and will gladly print
letters on a timely and space-available
basis if desired.
Each week we look for letters that
THWuGA
November 17, 2023
5
Friday,
ting confused about being in a
dress because he is a boy dog.
However, I do not believe this
to be a real issue to concern my-
self with because he is, in fact, a
dog and therefore hopefully is
not plagued with our society’s
rigid gender ideas.
Secondly, those who I hold
dear in my heart believe that
anyone of any gender can wear a
bridesmaid’s dress and will be ac-
cepted. But mostly he is a dog so I
don’t think he will really care.
Next, I have received questions
about where I will be sourcing a
dress that is worthy of our beloved
mascot and that will also go with
the dresses being worn by the rest
of my bridal party.
Rest assured, dear reader, I
have found a dressmaker who is
willing to make a set of bespoke
dresses for all of my bridesmaids
and my maid of honor.
Finally, you may be wondering
why I am picking Uga (the dog) as
opposed to a best friend of mine
from my time at U(sig)GA.
The answer for this is in-
credibly simple: my entire so-
rority is going to make up
the rest of my bridal party.
I simply could not bear try-
ing to pick a favorite sister,
so I must ask Uga!
disgusted me. Then I tried bark-
ing at Uga himself everytime that
I saw him. Finally, I brought this
terrible situation to the attention
of my sorority president and she
decided that we must make it the
mission of our sisterhood to make
sure that Uga (the dog) gets the
sweaters that he both needs and
deserves. The first step, of course,
has been teaching my entire soror-
ity how to knit. This was a more
monstrous task than any of us had
initially thought it to be, but our
love for Uga (the dog) trumped
any desire that we had to sleep
or study. Next, I ran a fundraiser
and accepted yarn donations to
make the sweaters for Uga. We
now have enough yarn to make
Uga a sweater for every single
day! The next step of this plan is
of course to make the sweaters,
which shall be completed upon
the publication of this paper.
We must share the word
about why Uga needs little sweat-
ers and to ask for anyone who
may know how to furnish Uga
with his new sweaters.
are responses to or commentaries on
content found within the pages of
the publication, and seek to cor-
roborate the onion already presented
in the column. We are particularly
interested in content that makes us
form a more solid foundation for our
existing onions.
When submitting letters we ask
that you include your horoscope, fa-
vorite pet name, and your Social Se-
curity Nmber for security reasons. We
reserve the right to both reject or edit
letters if it is just plain bad.
For questions, comments or con-
cerns, contact the Onions Editor at
onions@THWG.com.
6 • November 17, 2023 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // OPINIONS

Horoscopes for the Dawgs

Aries (Ram) — March 21-April 19
To play the part of the jester is your role, but to be a clown is not. Take today to realize that face paint can be removed, and
your nose must not always be bulbous and red. It is hard to free yourself from the prisons of your own self-effacing jokes, but do
so you must.

Taurus (Bull) — April 20-May 20

The first time I rode the MARTA, I saw a chicken bone — flesh gnawed off, nothing but the sad white space left. When I look
at you, reading this, I feel a similar discontent. You lay discarded, but once you were loved. Try a new flavor of chicken today, you’ll
be happy you did.

Gemini (Twins) — May 21-June 20

Dale your photos of alumni

If (twins == lovers) {
admit();
} else if (incest == true) {
waitlist();
} else {
reject();
}

(for our u[sic]GA readers, this just means incest good. Hope that helped!)

Cancer (Crab) — June 21-July 22

Let him cook! Let him cook! Have you ever asked him if he wants to cook? Day and night, he works in that kitchen – cooking
with nothing but salt and, sometimes, pepper. Give him (and yourself) a break, skip the Bolton lunch!
EMILY
Leo (Lion) — July 23-August 22 ARTIST AND PERFORMER (CLASS OF 18)
Sometimes it’s okay to lose the “idgaf ” war. We both know you were never winning; some may even say you were never even in
it. I see you on the beaches of a foreign country fighting in a different war altogether — the “please take me back, please give me a “The one thing u[sic]GA and Europeans have
chance, please baby” war. Somehow, you’re losing that one too.
in common is stinky pits and incompetence.”
Virgo (Virgin) — August 23-September 22
Did everyone know it was “Holiday Inn,” and not the “Holla They In” in the Pitbull song? Like, why did it take me astral pro-
jecting onto the stage with Pitbull to truly understand the meaning of that song? I understand now that the hotel room was just a
metaphor for the hotel room we are all trapped in.

Libra (Balance) — September 23-October 22

You are like a Borzoi dog. You are majestic, hunted for being associated with the aristocracy of old Russia and a little freaky
looking. You will find love in the hands of an eccentric middle aged woman with far too much time and money, or you will die in
the hunt to rid the world of any symbols of the class differences that plague us all.

Scorpio (Scorpion) — October 23-November 21

One day you’re Twitter. One day you’re X. One day you’re a down-on-their luck orphan dancing through the streets of London BENJI JONES III
covered in grime. One day you’re a founding father cheating on his wife. One day you’re an eepy cat. One day you’re Wide Awake
by Katy Perry. One day you are EXPLOITATION OF THE WORKING CLASS (CLASS OF 98)

Sagittarius (Archer) — November 22-December 21 “This money doesn’t hit the same without the
You can’t date a man with an accent in his name because you are worth more than pressing and holding every time you type his blood on it.”
name. Imagine a world where every text, every letter, every email, every argument, and every wedding invitation requires you to
press, hold, and choose an accent. You deserve better.

Capricorn (Goat) — December 22-January 19

Where did the dawg in me go? I search day and night, through the winter and the spring, and yet, I stand here before you
emptyhanded. The hole in my heart is prominently dawg-shaped, yet I feel that another kindred soul, dog or dawg, could fill it if
they only took a moment to bark up the tree of my hopes. Or, you could come over and disappoint me again — a hole is not always
meant to be filled.

Aquarius (Water) — January 20-February 18

It’s between you and you. Take it up with you.
GREG MUTT
Pisces (Fish, specifically salmon) — February 19-March 20
Today, try slathering yourself in garlic butter. Set the oven to 400 degrees, and make sure to marinate while it preheats. When it
PROFESSIONAL MODEL AND ACTOR (CLASS OF 19)
is ready and hot, open the door and let it encompass you. Cook until the skin is crispy. Serve with asparagus and lemon.
“No beech is as good as frat beech...GO
DAWGS RAH”

The Collective Speaks: The students demand change!

HIDEYO DADDY
PROFESSIONAL THIEF
In an effort to better un-
derstand and accommo-
date its super diverse pop-
ulation, SGA has created
a digital forum for stu-
dents to share their most
pressing concerns with
those in power to meet
their demands.
“Look I know a few
years back we switched the
water supply for the water
fountains to alcohol.
But it’s only been
beer. When the then-
candidates ran, we were
promised a hard supply!
It’s like, if these people
aren’t gonna do what we
elected them to do …
what are we even wast-
ing our daddys’ money
on?!” - Justin Morebucks,
7th-year Mixology.
“This school is so un-
organized students had to
take to making an unof-
ficial guide for incoming
freshman students!!
While I appreciate that
‘no virus can stop the pride
of bleeding Red and Black’
some real guidance from
administration would be
appreciated.” - Taylor Jen-
kins, first-year, Business
“Last week, my so-
rority and I threw a
huge and crowded party.
The founders woul-
da been proud. Sigma
Sigma Chi!!!
Anyway, the girls and
I were havin a slay time.
BIG PUR! Haha.
Anyway, like around 4
am the police showed up
and said we were too loud!!
Like, so not skibbidy. So I
called my big, Maddiek-
enz and she handled him.
We were able to party
on after that, but like …
my question is … why did
that major LOSER think
it was okay to interrupt
our banger time??
It like, totally threw
my groove off. Major in-
convenience.” - Guinev-
ere Matthis, third-year,
Live Laugh Love
“I was sticking out my
gyat for the rizzler when I
was suddenly hit with a re-
alization that more likely
than not we will very like-
ly be right back here work-
ing for the u[sic]GA after I
graduate.
Too depressed to make
a call to action,” - Jer-
emy Duncan, 3rd-year,
who still cares
“[Campus is full of]
Dilapidated class build-
ings/dorms get passed
over for basic necessary
renovations (love my Joe
Brown but gd), parking,
over-acceptance causing
on campus housing issues
and actively making the
off campus crisis worse for
students and non-students
that just live/work here,
god forbid you want to
ride a bus at class change
between 9am-3pm, it’s all
hills, and people here can’t
drive for anything.
To sum up the issue in
one phrase: overpopula-
tion of a very small land
area.” - Yoko OH NO!,
6th year, LMNOP
“There’s a lot of people at
UGA. That means statisti-
cally you’re likely to run
into a lot of douchebags…
can SGA do something to
bring about their complete
and utter annihilation?
I’d do it myself but I
don’t wanna break a nail,
yk?” - Madison Lambert,
2nd year, Chemistry
“AYOOOO, where’s the
next party dawg??
My b my b, I know this
is supposed to be a serious
thing for like SeRiOuS
rEqUeStS and stuff but
like… gonna be shameless
here and do a quick plug for
the EPIC DELTA DELTA
NU BETA ALPHAAAS-
SSSSSSS. Party tonight
at the delta delta nu beta
alpha Mojo Dojo Casa
House at 8! Fair maidens
get in free before 9 ;) , sexy
enbies welcome all night,
noble gents pay $10 at the
door.” -Brock Hampton,
12th year, Greek.
// OPINIONS
A letter to the editor from Old Man Joe, class of ‘60
OLD MAN JOE
GERIATRIC CLASS PRESIDENT
Dear whoever the [sic]
is runnin this sissy scared
paper these days,
What in the [SIC] is
goin on down there?? Say
whatever you want about
us Good Ole’ Boys, but
when we ran the paper
back in ‘60, we RAN the
paper. Nowadays, you
people are too scared to
say anything!
Why back in my day,
we use tah [this article
has been censored for the
sake of public decency.
this article has been cen-
sored for the sake of pub-
lic decency. this article has
been censored for the sake
public decency. this article
has been censored for the
sake of public decency.]
Yaknowwhatimean?? Re-
ally lay down the law!
It was true, laissez-faire,
down-to-earth, honest-to-
God, first amendment,
freedom of speech!
I’ll tell you what,
it’s all because of those
daggone democrats!!
Yeah, they tried all that
hippy dippy nonsense
back in ‘61, but I marched
down to the president
of the university’s of-
fice and gave ‘em a piece
of my mind!
I told ‘em, [This article
has been censored for the
love of all that is good and
holy. This article has been
censored for the love of all
that is good and holy. This
article has been censored
for the love of all that is
good and holy.]
HUH! They say it
wouldn’t fly today but I
say [sic] e’m!! Darn com-
mie [sic]s!! Well Mr. Edi-
tor, HUH, am I even al-
lowed to say anymore …
“mister”?
That’s another thing,
I think all this new fan-
gled talk of “gender rights
equality” is total and
complete [this article has
been censored in the event
that there really is a god.
this article has been cen-
sored in the event that
there really is a god. this
article has been censored
in the event that there
really is a god.]
Ask Our Addie: Boy problems
Dear Ask Addie,
I’m havin the boy prob-
lems again. It’s Jebediah
this time. I tell you what,
that sweet boy sure can
throw a football, and he
downs his shotgun like
the best of em. But he has
this teensy-weensie little
problem where we’ve been
in a situationship for 2
years now…we go on lots
of dates! But only in his
room. He told me he loves
the smell of me on him so
much… so he only show-
ers once every fortnight.
And to top it off … he
watches videos of partially
undressed women!!!
In the 2 years we’ve been
special friends (that’s what
he calls us), I’ve never seen
him cry. When he feels any
emotion, he loads up his
at home weight rack, and
yells “SUBLIME” as he
bench presses the bar. My
big fancy feminist aunty
(she works at the Olive
Garden) told me to leave
him, but I think he’s just
a simple guy. Please help.
Sincerely,
The Girl of a Simple Guy.
Dear The Girl of a very
very Simple Guy,
I want to stress, you ab-
solutely can change him.
You’re a good, simple
woman I can tell. This
feminist aunty of yours …
she’s ugly and single isn’t
she? Don’t listen to her,
And another thing! This
administration’s gone soft!!
What’s this new “Found-
ers Day” [sic]?? Bring back
Old South Day!
They gave it a new name,
but we all know it’s the
same thing!!!! Call a spade
a spade you [This article
has been censored in effort
to preserve what is left of
common innocence. This
article has been censored
in an effort to preserve
what is left of common in-
nocence. This article has
been censored in an effort
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 17, 2023 • 7
she’s probably miserable,
workin at that big, fancy
uppity Olive Garden! She
don’t know about us nor-
mal people.
Priority 1 is getting him
off that demon adult “en-
tertainment”: the mov-
ing images of those sinful
women is not of the trad
life style. You give that
boy an ultimatum. I did
the same with my 5th hus-
band. I sat him down and
said, “Bartholomew”, I
said real serious like, “Bar-
tholomew, baby its me or
the porn!” and don’t you
know it, he is still my 5th
husband! He will see and
know and judge your pure
heart. He’ll know you’re
a good woman. You’re a
good woman. I’m a good
woman. Hellfire to your
auntie.Now addressin the
rest of the “problem”: there
ain’t one. He keeps you
home because that’s your
place. He stays smelly
cause that’s his place. He
lifts the weights cause he’s
a protector and an enforc-
er: it’s his place. He can’t
have space for all those
emotions, he’s busy run-
nin the world by, tinkerin
with hammers, bein dirty,
to preserve what is left of
common innocence.] Any-
way, I gotta say Governor
Kemp and that [sic] fella,
Walker seem alright. Best
and brightest to graduate
in a while I’d say.
But what’s the deal, with
lettin’ the [sic] population
on this campus reach 8%??
Back in my day, it was 0%!
Now I’m no mathema-
tician, but that’s expo-
nential growth!! Maybe
all isn’t lost tho … I see
we’re still namin’ residence
halls after great Geor-
and makin 18 cents more
than you per hour because
that’s his place honey! You
wouldn’t take fault with a
dog for licking his gonads!
The fact that you’re ques-
tioning tells me you been
spending too much time at
the Olive Garden.
As for your behavior, I’d
say tap into the Oedipus
model: what Jebediah, like
every man wants, is his
mama. And trust me hon-
ey, there is nothing more
fulfilling than raising your
little man. Keep him well
fed, manage his emotions
when they spring up, and
be sure to burp him after
every meal. I personally
like to keep a passy in my
purse for when he gets
fussy. I know in this crazy
day and age of “moder-
nity”, a lot of newfangled
ideas on relationships are
floating around out there,
but I want to reassure you:
there is nothing wrong
with your relationship,
he can be changed, and
most importantly, you can
change him.
Hellfire to your auntie,
Ask Addie
gia governor Ernest “No
Not One” Vandiver.
I suppose you bootlick-
ers at the University are
bowin’ to the man at the
end of the day, but I ap-
plaud your resistance.
A name like Vandiver
certainly sends a message.
I suppose I just ex-
pect a little better from
my alma mater.
[sic] you,
Old Man Joe
Class of ‘60
 ETNERTAINTMENT EDITORS: THWuGA

etnertaintment
tooth hurty
ASSISTANT ETNERTAINTMENT EDITOR:
CRUNCHWRAPDESTROYER Friday,
8
yomamma@nique.net November 17, 2023

Restaurant review: morning after at Kappa Sig

HOSSED IDGE
HELP IF ANYONE’S READING THIS IM STILL
STUCK IN HERE PLEAS
After a blackout night partying hard
at Kappa Sig, the most important recov-
ery is nourishment. While you could or-
der DoorDash from the bathroom floor
or stumble on over to Waffle House,
the hidden gem of the morning after is
closer than you think. The Kappa Sig frat
kitchen is your one-stop shop for all your
be-friend-definitely-acquaintance who
shares the same first period as they relax
in the spa. It is equipped with cool tile
flooring, the perfect temperature for an
impromptu nap after one too many shots,
the beige couch every fraternity brother
and alumni-who-peaked-in-college has
boinked on (boys will be boys!!) and a
friendship pile of randos who could not
find their way out of the house.
Each month, the menu shifts based
on the new and exciting trends that take
campus by storm. The Michelin-star
chef who founded this franchise spoke
about the inspiration behind his dishes,
“Yeah, so I always get sexiled to the base-
ment couch whenever we have a party.
I’m a second-year and my roommate’s
a third-year, so I don’t have much of a
choice unless I want to get hazed again.
So, I thought why not make breakfast.
Turns out a lot of people wander into the
kitchen trying to find their clothes or the
way out, and it kinda blew up after that.”
When asked about his ingredients, he
promised only the finest, hand-picked el- Welcome to the culinary casa.
ements touch his dishes, “Alc. It’s mostly
whatever’s leftover in the handles mixed out any thoughts aside from hunger and explosion of bowels. In a charcuterie

Fruit salad n juice

nutritional needs!
After hearing of its campus-renowned
food, I took it upon myself to go under-
cover and dive into how such an estab-
lishment creates its magical dishes and
with whatever doesn’t have mold yet. But
even then you can’t really taste it, so I
throw it in anyways.” This week featured
the “Fishbowl Oatmeal”, “Fruit Salad
and Juice”, “Late Plate Spread” and their
alcoholism.
Rating: 5/5 stars
Ingredients: Cubes of Lime Jell-O
shots, cubes of strawberry Jell-O shots,
style, pieces of fried chicken, soggy as-
paragus, half a roll, grey chicken shreds
and a pile of corn dance across the board.
Layers of clumped white rice and chunks
of mashed potatoes dot the spread.

Fishbowl Oats!!!!!!
how its ambiance creates a food journey. signature “Protein Smoothie.” slices of a two-month old apple, powdered The Chef also sends out special rec-
Take an adventure down the frat stairs cocaine sugar, Tropical Fruit Pedialyte, ognition to sous chefs “Chad”, “Jake”
the morning after and unearth the magi- Rating: 4/5 stars Our Take: If you’re looking to stay in and “Up For Grabs” for supplying this

cal world that delights in recounting last
night. There may be some who ques-
tion the menu, but each dish is carefully
crafted with a sprinkle of regret, a cup of
Ingredients: Traces of pink jungle
juice, microwave cup of mac-n-cheese,
vodka, Advil
Our Take: Served in a pink-streaked
protein, anyone?
shape and color your morning, this dish meal’s ingredients.
is for you. Sweet meets fruity with a clas-
sic, portion-controlled fruit bowl snack Rating: 5/5 stars
served in the Jell-O shot containers gifted Ingredients: Vodka.

liquid courage and a dash of your vice
(cocaine-it has cocaine).
This fine establishment wastes no time
in serving up looks as well as dishes. As
you make your way down the steps, glass
sculptures of empty beer bottles trace
your path. Of course, no meal would be
complete without someone to share it
with. Enjoy the morning with your may-
fishbowl, this delicacy elevates your pal-
ate and pushes it beyond any expecta-
tions. Warmed with the microwave’s pri-
vate sun, the cup mac-n-cheese is coated
with a homemade skinny beurre blanc
sauce, containing only one ingredient:
vodka, a white wine substitute. While
some may question the cohesion of this
dish, the insufferable headache drowns
late plaaaaaate
to the spa’s cooling tile overnight.
Rating: 3/5 stars
Ingredients: Remnants of late plates
left in the fridge from the previous week,
Our Take: Sustainability is all the
rage, so why not put it into practice with
your dishes? This spread features elements
across many cultures that blend into one
Our Take: Feeling groggy after
the best night of your life? Begin-
ning to remember the name of who
is next to you in bed? Well, the Pro-
tein Smoothie has got you covered!
This gut-punch soothes your aches and
distracts from any regret you may be feel-
ing. Pair this with an Advil and you have
a great start to your day.

REAL MEN YELL

Whiteboy: AAAAAAAH-
Whiteboy: YEAHHH BRO HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Tanner: And you know what
LIKE THE ANCESTORS HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- I sed bro?? I YELLED OVER
Tanner: LIKE THE FORE- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HER BROOOOOO AHHH-
SHAWTY LO Whiteboy:AAAAAAAHH- FATHERS HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HAAAAA
DROPPING IT LIKE ITS HOT HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- BOTH: REAL MEN HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Whiteboy: AAAHHHH-
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- YELL. REAL MEN YELL. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHH YOU SHOWED
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Tanner: AND YOU KNOW HHHHHHHHHHHHH HER BRO.
Wassup, DAWGS. Tune in to HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- WHY THIS IS BRO??? Whiteboy: THE TES- Tanner:AAAAAAAHHH-
the Red n Black’s new podcast: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Whiteboy: WHY BRO TOSTERONE COURSING HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Real Men. With Hosts Tanner HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Tanner: BECAUSE ITS THROUGH MY VEINS HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Kirk Sparrow and Any White- HHHHHHHHHHHH YOUR BIRTHRIGHT BRO!!! RIGHT NOW BRO??? ITS HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
boy. Read an excerpt from last Tanner::AAAAAAAHHH- AS A MAN YOU ARE EN- OVER 9,000 BRO. RAHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
week’s podcast below. HHHHHHHHHHHHHH- TITLED TO CHEAT. YOU HHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Whiteboy: Bro I’m havin a HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- ARE ENTITLED TO LIE. Tanner: HELL YEAH! HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
problem with my lady bro. She HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- AND YOU ARE ENTITLED Whiteboy: HELL YEAH! HHHHHHHHHHH
said she wants more communi- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- TO YELLLLLL AHHHHH Tanner: HELL YEAH! Whiteboy:AAAAAAAHH-
cation. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Whiteboy:AAAAAAAHH- Whiteboy: HELL YEAH! HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Tanner: Bro I been there HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Tanner: YELL AT YOUR HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
bro. I gotchu bro, whatchu gotta HHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- WOMAN LIKE KIRK CAM- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
do bro… is like YELL AT HER HHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- ERON IN FIREPROOF HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
BRO. Whiteboy:AAAAAAAHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- BROOOOO HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Whiteboy: Wait… why HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Tanner: One time bro, one HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
would I do that bro?? HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- time. I was datin this blonde HHHHHHHHHHHH
Tanner: BECAUSE HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHH chick. Total 5, right? And she Tanner:A A A A A A AHHH
REAL MEN YELL BRO. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Tanner: AAAAAAAHHH- says to me, she says, “you know HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
A A A A A A AHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- tanner. If being physically dom- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- inant were the highest form of HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- authority, the world would be
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- run by apes” You read it here first Dawgs,
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Whiteboy: AAHH- tune in for next week’s special
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Tanner: WHOOOOHOO HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- HHH THE LOGIC, IT edition: real women fake it.
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- YEAH. I FEEL INVIGO- HHHHHHHHHHHH BURNNSSSS MAKE IT GO
HHHHHHHHHHHH RATED BRO. I FEEL ALIVE AWAY
// ETNERTAINTMENT
DawgsDatin Island: it’s in my nature, baby
ROCKSTAR CHICA
STICKING OUT MY GYAT
FOR THE RIZZLER
An ex-staffer from u[sic]GA’s
most popular podcast, “Daw-
gNation Daily,” has branched
off and started u[sic]GA’s new-
est dating show: “DawgsDatin
Island.” Brad Kyleson, a former
scriptwriter for the podcast, has
decided to pivot from podcasts
to television, citing, “Sigmas
don’t work for ligmas” as his
primary reason for the new ven-
ture.
“DawngsDatin Island” is
airing its first season on You-
Tube. The show focuses on ten
male contestants from u[sic]
GA, called the “dawgs.” The
dawgs are taken to Wolf Island,
one of Georgia’s most remote
barrier islands which functions
as a national wildlife refuge.
Dropped onto the island by
helicopter, the dawgs are given
“survival packs” that contain
protein shakes, a Yeti cooler full
of Natty Daddys, a podcast mic
and access to a TikTok account.
The dawgs are given two weeks
to make a thousand dollars out
of nothing. This segment of
the show spans four episodes
following each dawg’s “sigma
grindset journey.” Kyleson
serves as the host, periodically
Little Tikes and u[sic]GA collab for new toy line
ABS EHNT FAHTHYR
JUS GOING OUT 4 A SMOK
For over 50 years, Little
Tikes has dominated the
toy industry as one of the
largest parent-trusted toy
companies. Just in time
for the holiday season, the
beloved brand is excited to
announce its partnership
with u[sic]GA Almunus,
Brock Johnson, to create
the company’s newest line
of toys: Little TKEs®.
Johnson graduated
from Terry College of Busi-
ness in 2022 and was a
brother at Tau Kappa Ep-
silon for all four years at
UGA. Now he’s married
with a newborn son and
wants toys that can “shape
future generations of dedi-
cated fraternity brothers.”
Johnson says the idea for
Little TKEs® came to him
while attempting to teach
his 6-month-old son, Chett,
how to play beer pong.
“He was pretty awful at
it, and I thought to myself,
‘he’s not even a year old
yet, Brock; you gotta cut
the little dude some slack,’”
Johnson said.
Instead, the u[sic]GA
graduate designed a way
to introduce his kid and
the kids of other future
u[sic]GA-hopeful parents
to the Greek Life lifestyle
without needing to have
too many cognitive or f
ine-motor capabilities.
flying over the island with a
megaphone and delivering one-
liners and encouraging affirma-
tions. “Remember that the grind
has magical abilities and creates
deep bonds with people. Re-
member you are a sigma male!”
Kyleson yells out from the sky.
In an interview with the
Technique, Kylseon expanded
on his choice of Wolf Island as
the location for the show. “An
important teaching in the sig-
ma community is that we are
wolves amongst sheep. I wanted
to give the dawgs their chance
to become the wolves I know
they are,” Kyleson said. “Also
the island is like a nature pre-
serve or something? I don’t re-
ally know what that means but
I figured they wouldn’t really
check up on us,” he added.
Throughout the two-week
survival sprint of the show,
some contestants broke down
while others rose to the chal-
lenge. One of the eliminated
contestants, Hunter Cody Con-
nor III, was spotted rocking
back and forth while reciting
his sigma affirmations. The
grindset is not for the faint of
heart. Conversely, one of the
more successful contestants,
Grayson Dayson, had built a
TikTok empire by the end of the
two week stretch. He realized
that all he needed was a pod-
“When you went through
the best years of your life
with your fraternity broth-
ers, you really want a way
to share the spirit of that
environment with your
children,” Johnson said,
“that’s why I’m proud to
bring the true personal-
cast mic and some good old raw
unfiltered misogyny to become
beloved by sigmas all over the
world. In a “Lord of the Flies”-
like turn of events, Dayson had
all the other contestants calling
him the “Top Dawg.” Dayson
even bullied other dawgs out of
the game by offering them cryp-
tocurrency. “It’s just like my
u[sic]GA days,” he said. “It’s a
dawg eat dawg world,” he added
with the swagger of a Ken in a
Mojo Dojo Casa House.
In the last stretch of the
show, the dawgs that had made
1000 or more dollars during the
survival period are allowed to
leave the island and head back
to u[sic]GA campus. They en-
ter a speed dating convention
where all of the “Dawgs with
Dough” take their positions,
sort of like clubs at an org fair.
Each dawg sat in a different
chair with their winning Tik-
Toks playing behind them, with
women milling about to attend
the convention. Where clubs at
an org fair would pitch their or-
ganization and request students
to join, the dawgs just sat there
in silence. When asked why, the
host Kyleson responded, “Well,
women are just attracted to us
sigmas by nature.”
Unfortunately, the rest of the
season’s episodes were canceled
as none of the women in atten-
ity of the u[sic]GA to life in
a new, never-before-done
way.
Little Tikes is also the
perfect brand to partner
with for these toys because
they’re the number one toy
company, just like u[sic]GA
is number one in football;
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 17, 2023 • 9
dance paired up with the dawgs.
Brenda Smith, an invitee to the
convention, had visited some
of the dawgs’ booths. “I’m con-
fused,” she said. “Was I sup-
posed to like it when they said a
woman’s place is in the kitchen
making preworkout shakes?”
Further, the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife Service caught wind of
the filming operation after find-
ing the gulls on the island binge
we’ve won the national
championship twice.”
This December, u[sic]
GA parents and fans can
look to the Little TKEs®
toy line for gifts that bring
school spirit to life and cre-
ate the foundations of suc-
cess for future u[sic]GA
students. Get ready to kick
off the holiday shopping
season with Little TKEs®
products like:
Little TKEs® My First
AA Sponsor™: This lov-
able figurine stands rough-
ly 2.5 inches tall and is
the perfect size for tiny
hands to hold and manip-
ulate to create their own
stories, making them just
the right toy for cultivat-
ing creativity and imagi-
nation, as well as basic
fine-motor skills.
Press down on the fig-
ure’s head to hear one of
five phrases stored inside,
including “I understand
what you’re going through.
I was there once.” and “If
you ever feel like you’re
struggling, just call me,
and I’ll help.”
Little TKEs® Daddy’s
Credit Card™:
A toy version of the pos-
session no u[sic]GA student
would be complete with-
out that includes raised
numbers and designs for
sensory stimulation and
allows children to prac-
tice waving their par-
ent’s money around when
they’re older.
drinking the beer the dawgs
left behind. After combing vid-
eo evidence from the TikToks
made throughout the show, the
court has fined Kyleson more
than he can manage to make
back by joining TikTok lives
with his other frat members.
His last comment was that he
“doesn’t regret giving the world
a chance to peek into the com-
plex mind of a dating dawg.”
Little TKEs® Baby’s
First Dictionary - Slurs
Edition™: Inspired by the
2019 viral video from Tau
Kappa Epsilon at u[sic]GA,
this 6x6 board book has
easy-to-turn pages that en-
courage children to build
their fine motor skills
while building their vocab-
ulary. The book has large,
colorful letters for easy-to-
follow reading and a pic-
ture on every page. It also
serves as a great bedtime
story for parents to read
to their kids who have not
yet learned to read them-
selves.
Little TKEs®
Friday Night Frat Party
Starter Kit™: This set
comes with ten 3-oz hard
plastic solo cups, three
miniature ping-pong balls,
a magic-bottle beer bottle,
four plush cans, laminated
fake-ID, battery-operated
party light and a packet of
plastic “roofies.” Children
can throw their very own
UGA frat party by setting
up some beer pong, throw-
ing the assortment of
White Claw, Bud-Light, Nat-
ural-Light and Four Loko
cans on the playroom floor
and flipping on the party
lights. The fake ID is out-
fitted with a mirror where
the photo would be and the
“roofies” rattle around in
their package, creating fun
sensory experiences for all
kids while bolstering their
social skills.
To H
wi
geor
This space provided as a
HELL
ith
rgia!
a public service by the Technique
Technique.
12 • November 17, 2023 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // COMICS

COMICS AND PUZZLES FOR DAWGS

SOME STARTER PACKS FOR DAWGS

frat guy that’s “focusing on himself ”
the couple that’s “ring by spring”

what’s in my bag for classes!

// COMICS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 17, 2023 • 13

COMICS AND PUZZLES FOR DAWGS

FILL IN THE BLANK

lovers by _____________ (n.),

u[sic]GA heroes by choice

which is not like the others?

Answer: the one on the bottom left is a LITERAL
plantation house! the rest is just greek life duh!
Lafe
LIFE EDITOR:
The return of Judy
THWuGA
Diversity disaster on campus
ASSISTANT LIFE EDITOR: Kappa Alpha Sigma Beta member so racist he called cam- 14
Friday,
Ya Pappy pus police on “The Five” monument. 49
SlapHappyDawgz@yolo.net
November 13, 2023

NEWWWWWWWW MAJOR ALERT DAWGSSSS

In its latest bid to improve its
nationwide rankings, u[sic]GA
announced its new major - Par-
tying. This comes in just as u[sic]
GA plans to introduce a “Football”
major fell through due to a lack of
qualified instructors. However, the
university is confident that the
new program will succeed.
President Jere W. Morehead
recorded a video message to
confirm the development. In the
video, he can be seen wearing a
bright pink party hat. However,
the smile on President More-
head’s face while talking about
something related to u[sic]GA led
many to doubt the video’s authen-
ticity.
“I am pleased to announce our
institute’s latest offering - our
major in partying. Our vision is to
make Georgia the foremost party
school of the south. Some day, we
will be a world leader in having a
good time. We believe this move
will allow our students to shine
at what they are best at,” More-
head said.
The changes include a new
degree program, the Bachelor of
Partying, or “BoP” in its abbrevi-
ated form. There is also a minor
program available to students
who want the ability to hide
their true passion from parents
and recruiters. However, the mi-
nor program is not being offered
to business majors, as they are
deemed to have a considerable
overlap in their existing program.
The program coordinators are
mulling keeping an upper age limit
on students to ensure the right
atmosphere for learning.
“I’m super excited about this
new major. My parents forced
me to take Biology, but all I can
think about is booze and hot guys.
I might actually get good grades
for the first time in my life. Let’s
be real, if I wanted a job after
college, I’d probably go to Tech or
something,” said a first-year stu-
dent on condition of anonymity.
The tentative course list in-
cludes subjects such as Skinny
Dipping, Truth or Dare, Intro to
Psychedelics and Advanced Beer
Pong Strategies. Some courses,
such as Truth or Dare, feature a
final project — in this case, to
sleep with a specified professor.
Organizing a flash mob, spray-
painting academic buildings and
creatively selling drugs are just
some of the various extra credit
opportunities on offer.
HOMEBOY Q
“When I hear about these
kids’ GPAs, it’s clear that they
aren’t cut out for their majors.
Last month at the club, I heard
two professors talking about
fudging scores so that at least
someone would pass their courses.
I’m just surprised this didn’t hap-
pen earlier, but we’re very happy
to partner with this program,”
said Tequila Johnson, manager of
u[sic]GA’s newly launched campus
microbrewery.
Amid the excitement and fan-
fare surrounding the new major,
there are also some concerned
factions within u[sic]GA. Com-
puter science faculty are antici-
pating a large decline in depart-
ment funding, given the major’s
reputation as the number one
threat to u[sic]GA’s party cul-
ture. Several labs are at risk of
being decommissioned, with the
notable exception of the Concus-
sion Research Laboratory. Stu-
dents were unable to study at the
Miller Learning Center this week
as a group of unidentified pro-
testers held the building hostage,
demanding “an end to learning at
u[sic]GA.”
While u[sic]GA’s bold decision
has not led to much external reac-
tion overall due to the university’s
low significance, miniscule ripples
are being felt in real universities
in Georgia. The Technique spoke
to a third-year MATH student at
Tech about their opinion.
“My major really gets me to
contemplate life. On some diffi-
cult nights, I consider taking an
extreme step and transferring
to u[sic]GA. This news really got
me thinking — maybe it isn’t so
bad to be a clown when there’s
an entire circus around you,” said
the student on condition of ano-
nymity.
Since the program was an-
nounced, u[sic]GA’s admissions
office has faced a deluge of in-
quiries from aspirants asking
about the bar for acceptance. As
of now, u[sic]GA has stated that
“no academic merit whatsoever is
necessary”, in keeping with many
of the university’s existing major
offerings. It remains to be seen
whether u[sic]GA’s latest at-
tempt at attaining some sort of
relevance will be fruitful.

AT
WELCOME TO Jake HENS BAY-BEEE
“that guy” Blake
LIST OF JOBS YOU CAN
Aight so boom, Greek life, what is it? Imagine a world where the classics aren’t just
GET WITH A DEGREE FROM
something you read about in a stuffy classroom, but a living,
breathing, party-throwing, Ralph Lauren, Heinkien scented scene.
U[SIC]GA
Here, the gods of the world are cultivated in soirees, tailgates, and
hazardous laundry rooms, but hey, that’s what makes us warriors.
Welcome to U[sic]GA baby.
At the heart of our campus, professional organizations like Beta
Gamma Lambda Apple Pie stands as a beacon of social enlight-
enment and example. Their ‘Vodka Volleyball’ tournament isn’t
just a game; it’s a cultural phenomenon. With every serve and sip,
students are immersed in a lesson of endurance and camaraderie,
albeit with a twist of lime.
And my personal favorite, ‘Sombrero’ night, where Greek elegance
meets Mexican spirits, creating a fusion of fun that no classroom
could ever provide. Here, the art of balancing a tiara while hold-
ing a tequila shot is celebrated as the pinnacle of social grace and
honoring Mexican culture which is something I pride myself in.
U[sic]GA’s ”traditional” academic offerings might play second
fiddle to these social gatherings, but who’s to say that isn’t educa-
tion in its own right? The frat houses are buzzing hubs of activity,
where the language of “Thunderstruck” drinking games is more
prevalent than any academic discourse.
In this vibrant tapestry of U[sic]GA life, the well-known impact
on femininity is painted in bold strokes. Sorority sisters navigate
the social seas with the skill of seasoned diplomats, harmonizing
party themes and cup colors with an expertise that would make
Athena proud.
This is u[sic]ga, where being Greek transcends the boundaries of
mere fraternal or sororal affiliation. It’s a state of being, a badge
of honor worn with pride. Here, the memories made, the friendships
forged, and the lessons learned in the art of chugging and diplo-
macy are something that this campus prides ourselves in.
// LAFE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 17, 2023 • 17

A FAREWELL TO SORORITY CASUALTIES OF CANCEL CULTURE: AN INTERVIEW

SISTERS
SISTER C
BIG CHEESE
Oh my sweet Python Nu Kap-
pa sisters!
As I write this farewell letter, I
absolutely cannot believe my time
in this sisterhood is finally coming
to an end. But I want you all to
know that I will always cherish
all the memories we made and our
forever bond.
Firstly, I want to say how
grateful I am for all the experi-
ences that we have gone through
together these past few years.
We have endured so much, my sis-
ters. From all the stereotypes of
us, bad hair days and fading tan
lines, I have learned so much about
facing oppression in our society.
These times have taught me so
much about dealing with discrimi-
nation and notfairnessness.
I want you to know that our
bond is what gives us strength.
We are so much more than these
stereotypes! People see us as
spoiled brats that drink and par-
ty everyday, but we know we are
better than that. Little do they
know we only drink on Sundays,
Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays,
Thursdays, Fridays and Satur-
days.
As I embark on this new stage
of my life, I take away so many
lessons from all of you. Navigat-
WITH SALLY SOBSTORY AND HARRY HARDLUCK
UGGA XIII
ORIGINAL GANGSTAAAAA
The beloved University of Others on campus can relate This is not the first time
Georgia campus has been over- to Sobstory’s plight. Harry Hard- Hardluck has gotten in hot wa-
ing these past few years alongside taken by a powerful and con- luck, 4th year Business Major, ter. Along with being president
such a diverse range of personali- suming force. A disease affect- has a similar story to tell. “It’s of his fraternity, Sigma Ligma,
ties has taught me so much. Our ing innocent students without really hard having everything Hardluck is also president of the
interactions have really opened up discrimination. Cancel Culture is you say and do be dissected,” Wallstreet Club.
my eyes to the power of smiling harming students everywhere Hardluck said. Hardluck has been “I love The Wolf of Wall-
really hard. And that is a lesson taking them by surprise and criticized after images of his street and really look up to guys
that I can carry on forever. with its grand reach it seems no Halloween costume were posted like Jordan Belfort. He did what
We may fight, but that is what one is safe. online. he wanted when he wanted. He
makes us true sisters. We may “I just don’t get why every- “So what I dressed up as a is really an excellent role model
hate each other a lot, but that one is so upset with me” Sally KKK for Halloween, my dad used for students here. That’s why I
is what makes us true sisters. Sobstory, 3rd year Communica- to do the same things when he didn’t think it was a big deal to
When I fall down, I know you tions, said. “All I said was that was president back in the day,” bring him in to give a talk. Yeah,
girls will always be there for me, we should only let pretty skinny said Hardluck. “No one batted it was during the annual Wall-
even if you don’t help me up. I will girls into our sorority.” an eye, but now I’m somehow street Women’s Symposium, but
miss the good and bad times. And Sobstory, a proud member “insensitive” and ‘‘racist’’ what- I think women can learn a lot
I will truly miss that boost of self
confidence I got every time I saw
your faces in the morning.
So no, I didn’t “pay” for all of
you to be my friends. My daddy
did. I believe that our bond, our
friendship, our sisterhood can
withstand anything, including
ourselves. Like I truly love each
and every one of you, maybe just
not equally. My advice to all of
you would be to stay in the pres-
ent moment. I’ve noticed that the
girls who actually think about
their future all have premature
wrinkles. So have fun and re-
member to always conform!!
Your beloved sister,
Caroline Hannah-Grace-Karen
Smith

of the Apple Apple Pie sorority,
was recently caught under fire
when a video of her describing
her ideal new sorority member
went viral.
“Everyone is just so judge-
mental nowadays. No one is pay-
ing attention to the context of
what I said.” Sobstory said.
“What I said came from a
place of empathy and concern.
Sororities are all about sister-
hood and friendship. If an ugly
girl joins my sorority, she just
won’t fit in and she’ll be all sad
and stuff. I don’t want anyone
to be sad so it would be best for
everyone if they just stay away.”
Sobstory explained.
ever that means. Halloween is
about scary stuff and racism is
scary therefore it’s a great cos-
tume.”
Hardluck has also faced criti-
cism for allegedly kicking out an
African-American student at
that same Halloween party. “It
wasn’t because he was black,”
Hardluck explained. “It was be-
cause of what he was wearing.”
The student in question came to
the party dressed in a vineyard
vines polo, khaki shorts, and
boat shoes. “My culture is not
a costume,” Hardluck said. “It
is completely disgusting that he
thought it was okay to dress like
that.”
from him,” Hardluck explained.
“He’s super successful and every-
one knows him. If women want
success, they should date him.”
Though accounts portray
cancel culture as inescapably de-
structive, do not fear for their
plights were only temporary.
Sobstory and Hardluck are com-
pletely fine with Hardluck even
having a job lined up at his fa-
ther’s company after he gradu-
ates. However, as it looks like
cancel culture has no signs of
stopping, let’s hope students like
Sally Sobstory and Harry Hard-
luck can stop offending people or
at least stop posting it online.

2023 FRAT BOY SUMMER BEACH RETREAT RECAP (ANUAL PILGRIMAGE)

If there’s one thing to take-
away from Frat Beach, it’s that
u[sic]GA students sure know how
to go feral (even though that may
be a too advanced vocab word for
some). Frat Beach is one of our
most beloved traditions, and this
year might just take the cake for
best one yet.
Every year, Greek gods and
goddesses make the trip down to
Tallahassee to watch our dawgs
crush the Florida gators, or in
other words, get wasted on the
beach. This year happened to line
up with Halloweekend, and the
costumes did not disappoint. There
were furries, Disney princesses,
and a bunch of various fruits. One
guy dressed as our lord and sav-
ior, Stetson Bennet, even brought
his flat screen TV to watch the
smackdown, but was terribly dis-
appointed when he couldn’t find
any outlets in the sand. Not that
it mattered anyway because as
Stetson said, “we only take dubs.”
One memorable moment from
this year’s Frat Beach is when
the president of Beta Beta Ligma
BLONDEBABE66492@HOTMAIL.COM
BEACH
(BBL) was deep sea fishing from
the shore and caught a baby ham-
merhead. He posed for a picture
with his big catch in one hand and
borg in the other. The celebration
didn’t last long though, because
the shark snapped out of his hand
and took his thumb with it. Turns
out you can’t hold a shark like a
largemouth bass. It was a trag-
edy for not only mr. president but
the whole chapter since he had to
sit out at the flag football cham-
pionship the following week.
Frat Beachers capped off the
final night with a drunken beach-
side bonfire. Everybody gathered
around as a gators flag went
up in flames along with a few
nearby umbrellas. One of Athens’
own indie bands set the atmo-
sphere, bringing out their guitars
to serenade the crowd with our
national anthem, Jason Aldean’s,
“Big Green Tractor”.
With beers in hand, we sang
along and swayed to the music
before blacking out under the Photo by shawty pimpin Student Publications
stars. Phi Kappa Chi UGA - Putting the Frat in Frat Beach. The illustrious fraternity makes
its annual pilgrimage to their holy site complete with booze, babes, and blue skies.
16 • November 18, 2022 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
WAIT... OURAANYA
GRADS
KNEES
The University of Georgia Ca-
reer Center has set out on a quest
to find out where most graduates
go on to work post-graduation.
Students come into college with
a plethora of interests like yacht
racing, scrolling social media,
driving expensive cars, makeup,
and drinking. Students have the
opportunity here to explore these
interests more and grow into
responsible adults. However, the
Career Center has a lack of data
on post-graduate success due to
the administration’s desire to
focus staff efforts on advancing
u[sic]GA sports programs. After
many pleas to the administration
to focus on student outcomes,
u[sic]GA’s president was quoted
to say “eh, you can look at it, but
UPPER-LEVEL CLASSES TO ACCEPT
In a surprising turn of events,
upper-level classes at u[sic]GA
have embraced an unconventional
academic approach, allowing
homework submissions in crayon.
These colorful wax sticks often
associated with childhood cre-
ativity will be making their way
into the hands of every Bulldog by
the end of the fall semester.
This unexpected decision stems
from u[sic]GA’s Council of Profes-
sional Professors (CPP), a group of
specialists tasked with maintain-
ing the institute’s high level of ac-
ademic rigor. Professor Rainbow
Sparkles, a self-proclaimed crayon
enthusiast and lead spokesperson
for CPP, passionately defended the
move.
“The objective is to cultivate
a vibrant and inclusive learning
environment at UGA. What bet-
ter way to achieve that than by
permitting students to express
themselves with crayons, the
most colorful of all the writing
utensils?” Sparkles said.
On the other hand, traditional-
ists like Dr. Stoneface McSerious,
professor of non-particle physics,
expressed discontent when asked
about the shift to using crayons
in upper-level classrooms.
“It’s hard enough to be able to
read the students’ handwriting
as is. Even their typing is atro-
cious, so imagine what it’ll be like
with crayons,” McSerious said.
Despite scholarly disapproval,
many students at u[sic]GA seem
WORK?
that isn’t that important.” After
permission was teased, the Ca-
reer Center conducted a survey
upon graduation of each student
in Spring of 2023. The results of
the survey are displayed in the pie
chart in Table 1. This survey was
filled out by 6,000 graduates.
As you can see, a whopping
34.5% of the 6,000 survey
respondents work in Athens
Bars. The Career Center found a
student-turned-bartender to an-
swer a few questions about his
life post-grad. Lee Nover, a Fall
2022 graduate, graduated from
the School of Agricultural Sci-
ences with a Bachelor’s Degree in
Turfgrass Management. Nover
told the Center about his dream to
one day work for the biggest sod
HOMEWORK IN CRAYON
to be embracing the change. Jen-
ny Doodle, fourth-year Creative
Coloring major, was especially
excited about the new classroom
addition.
“Black and white assignments
always felt restrictive. Now, I can
unleash my inner child even when
people are watching. It’s like fin-
ger-painting for college credit, so
basically like all our classes here!”
Doodle said.
The impact has rippled into
upper-level classes, where profes-
sors report witnessing a new-
found surge in enthusiasm for
completing and submitting home-
work assignments.
“They’re practically in a brawl
for the last Crayola in the box.
Students have been coming to me
asking for more homework as-
signments to complete, and I’ve
had to turn them away for once.
Who knew crayons had such al-
lure?” said Dr. Sunshine Ray, as-
sistant professor of Unethical
Hacking.
In addition, local stores in Ath-
ens are witnessing record-high
crayon sales as students engage
in debates over the superiority
of Crayola versus Cra-Z-Art, set-
tling only for the best pigments
to grace their academic master-
pieces.
“The students cleared out the
entire school supplies aisle and
now we’re out of stock for the
third time this week. I had to stop
one student from taking a card-
producer in the southeast. Unfor-
tunately, Nover didn’t turn in his
application in time, so he had to
find his next steps. Nover needed
to find his second biggest passion,
and is quoted to say “You know I
thought about what I spent a lot
of time doing in college, and it just
made sense. I love being drunk and
getting others drunk– especially
girls. So, I turned in a job appli-
cation at Blue Sky Bar, and I’ve
never looked back.” Nover real-
ized that his sod dream was one
he was willing to give away for
a chance to work in the down-
town Athens bar scene. Him and
so many other students serve as
an inspiration to other students
with the same passions.
HOT GIRL HALLY
HOMEWRECKER
board cutout of a crayon earlier
today because he thought it was
an actual crayon. I think he still
took it with him,” said Colo D. Pen-
sil, a staff member at MikeAlls.
u[sic]GA is attempting to
navigate these uncharted waters
by offering crayon compatibility
workshops for professors. These
workshops will cover crucial top-
ics such as distinguishing between
Hot Magenta and Purple Pizzazz
and mastering the delicate art of
blending colors for an aesthetical-
ly pleasing academic presentation.
In addition, the CPP is con-
templating the introduction of
a “Crayon of the Month” club
where students would receive
a curated selection of crayons
MAJORS MAKING MOVES
CHAT GPT
u[sic]GA released its course catalog
for the 2024-2025 academic year this
month, exciting many students who hope
to claim a spot in some of the most highly
anticipated classes at the university. The
excitement over the new class offering is
immense due to the plethora of job op-
portunities that the new classes would
provide.Although registration for the
newly added classes will not begin until
late spring, students are already plan-
ning how to fit a new course into their
schedules.
The new courses are expected to be
some of the most difficult in the universi-
ty but will afford students new opportu-
nities post-graduation, having acquired
skills unique to u[sic]GA students. One
of the most exciting new offers is the
Paint Drying Seminar, which provides an
intriguing and in-depth guide to watch-
ing paint dry. The course encourages col-
laboration among students to guide their
watching sessions. For the final exam,
students are asked to prepare a wall
and perform a 12-hour watching session;
however, the Health Center is investigat-
ing this format because it may overstress
students’ mental capabilities.
Another popular new addition is the
Introduction to Knot Untying, which u[sic]
GA will only offer in the Spring since un-
to match the month’s academic
theme. The next step in turning
u[sic]GA into a crayon-colored
wonderland.
“Our plan is to cut funding
from the already established
art organizations on campus to
support our new Crayon of the
Month club. I think it’s a solid
plan; they already have too much
art supplies anyway and doesn’t
paper grow on trees?” said Doug
Bowl, third-year Bakery Science
major.
As the Bulldog community
grapples with this unexpected
deviation, only time will reveal
whether u[sic]GA’s new crayon
revolution will be a lasting legacy
tying the homework knots is expected to
take students 20 hours a week and would
conflict with the weekly tailgating and
post-game parties for football games in
the spring.
Students taking Introduction to Knot
Untying will learn vital strategies to un-
tie their shoelaces and tangled cords they
will carry into the workplace and their
lives. u[sic]GA offered a similar course
twelve years ago but had to drop it after a
record low pass rate of 2%. Officials hope
to improve the pass rate to at least 10%.
The new classes reflect the undying
commitment to student success and the
goal of preparing each and every u[sic]
GA student for the workforce, according
to the Office of the Registrar at u[sic]GA.
While challenging, the Registrar hopes
that students who take these new classes
will gain deep knowledge about the sub-
ject matter that will prepare them for any
future experience.
If a student cannot claim one of these
classes, they may never have an opportu-
nity to prove their competence again and
will have almost no hope of finding a job
post-graduation.
As students plan for the next aca-
demic year, they can only hope to be able
to take one of these truly life-changing
classes to propel their careers.
or merely a colorful blip in the
university’s history.
“Welcome to the era of cray-
on-colored knowledge, where stu-
dents are encouraged to express
their inner child while pursuing
higher education in hues of more
than just red and black,” Sparkles
said.
GO DA
WGZ!!
G O DAW GZ!!
HOT DIGGITY DAWG!!!!!
GO DA
WGZ!!
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2022 • 17
18 • November 17, 2023 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // SPURTS

COLLEGE FOOTBALL RANKINGS

WEEK ELEVEN Concept of “even-numbered” games
Rank
1
2
Team
Georgia Tech
lozers
puzzling football staffers, players
3 Who cares to clear up confusion amongst u[sic]GA’s most esteemed math- EVEN NUMBERS THERE
4 Don’t matter SARAH TOHNIN players as to why winning “two” ematics students, the advanced ARE. GAME TWELVE IS
5 ur mom lol TOOK TOO MUCH NYQUIL, CANNOT championships was better than scholars of Professor Berglund’s STILL SAFE. GO DWAGS.
6 candace DIVIDE BY TWO NOW “one.” Remedial Pre-Algebra course, ed- While we may never truly
7 Bigger Lozers Still, it may be true that the ucated the community in a recent understand what is meant by an
8 THWg As u[sic]GA continues their phony concept of an “evens num- statement: “even number” the reassurance
9 Hmmmmm 16-week long preparation towards ber” was invented by the Yellow THE YELLOW JACKETS from these advanced students is
10 idk the regular-season finale against Jackets to confuse and distract the HAVE NOW ONE GAMES enough for our players to never
11 irrelevant the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, dwags. However, the community TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, have to think about counting in
12 dumm the u[sic]GA community remains will not be put off guard so easily. AND NINE. THIS IS ALL THE any meaningful way ever again.
13 untalented shaken up by new trends in the
14 $!&* Jackets’ performance.
15 nah nah nah More legitimate news sources
16 still reading? have reported that the Jackets
17 grimace shake have consistently come out on top
18 ugly during “even-numbered” games
19 dusty for their first eight straight match-
20 crusty ups. Even more alarming, the staff
21 musty of TheRed&Black have learned of
22 ashy rumors that the upcoming Game
23 yooooooo 12 matchup could, in fact, be one
24 broke neck of these supposed even numbers.
25 Biggest Lozers When pressed for comments
on the teams chances despite the
rumored evenness of 12, Ladd
McConkey just stared blankly for
a moment before asking, “Evened
number? What the hell is even
that?”
An Assistant Coach, overhear-
ing a mention of numbers in pass-
ing, quickly stepped forward to
shield the players’ ears. “We try
not to confuse our players too
much by referencing counting or
even alluding to basic arithme-
tic without an expert present,”
they interjected. “We find it just
startles them.” They’re of course Photo Divisible by Two
referencing the group of local tu- Head Coach Kirby Smart and staff are heavily confused as to what an even game is as rival GT
tors brought onboard last season continues to win even-numbered games. Smart and staff eager to see if 12 is even number.

Harry Dawg discovers manscaping, reveals

controversial tattoos to intoxicated students
JOE MAMA
TATTOO PARLOR OWNER AND ADA-
MENT MANSCAPER
After Georgia’s latest win over
Ole Miss, Harry Dawg was seen
walking around downtown Ath-
ens taking in the sights of the
town, the bars and the inebriated
students. Given they were clocked
out of work they were in more
casual attire, shirtless with some
khaki shorts. That was when the
atrocity occured. Harry Dawg’s
secret was exposed to the world.
Harry Dawg was bar hopping
when all of a sudden, they realized
that their bare skin was revealed
from testing the waters of shaving
earlier on.
The first most notable tattoos
were the mandarin characters that
were scattered all over their body.
They said that they mean “love”,
“peace”, “soul” and “beautiful”.
After some fact checking, it was
confirmed that none of the tattoos
meant any of that, they were sim-
ply food items. Despite having a
takeout menu on their skin these
tattoos weren’t the oddest.
The second tattoo that stood
out to the world was a sprawled
phoenix on their back. They stat-
ed that they were inspired by Ben
Affleck and his Tattoo was based
off of Affleck’s. At first, Harry
Dawg said that they were inspired
by Affleck’s journey of reclaim-
ing his body and taking control
of his life back from alcoholism.
When writing this article, it came
out that Harry Dawg was just a
big fan of “Good Will Hunting”.
In a drunken rant, they kept on
repeating “How do you like them
apples?” After trying to say that it
was Matt Damon who said that,
Harry Dawg just started throwing
apples at us.
it’s giving greg hef-
fley in the school play
The final and most concerning
tattoo on their body was a humon-
gous Buzz Tattoo on their chest
alongside the new GT logo. When
asked about it, Harry Dawg said
in a drunk rant:
“Everyone has a past. Some are
ashamed of their past, some are
proud of their past. I for one am
proud of what I’ve done. I grew
up a Tech fan my whole life. I
live and breathe Tech. There is no
school I would rather support and
now that the clown Geoff Collins
is gone, I can finally be proud of
my favorite football team. Brent
Key is who I love and I support
him because he’s a winner. Kirby
Smart has a losing record as a
player against Brent Key and I
only support winners. I love Buzz,
they recently just won the mascot
national championship. I really
hope I get to meet them later this
year. Signing off, Go Jackets!”
When asked about the quote
above, Harry Dawg said “I have
no clue what you’re talking about.
I despise Tech and I don’t have
a Jacket on my chest.” They said
this while in a hot tub with the
tattoo still very clearly exposed.
As a result of his tattoo and
drunken statement, u[sic]GA had
to issue a statement:
“We understand that many
people in the community are con-
cerned by Harry Dawg due to his
recent statement and tattoos, but
we see no issue with what Harry
Dawg does outside of work hours.
Frankly, we knew about the tattoo
and his allegiances prior to hiring
him and thought that it would be
important for our mascot to be
intelligent but it is clear that u[sic]
GA has rubbed off on him if he
were to go on that drunken rant.
We hope that Harry Dawg re-
turns to who they were when they
were first coming out of Tech and
hope that they grow.”
Despite the concerning events,
Hairy Dawg is still very much
part of the u[sic]GA community
and we are looking forward to his
presence at the remaining sport-
ing events. Let it be known that
Harry Dawg is very much looking
forward to Clean, Old-Fashioned
Hate and will be appearing on the Photo by drunk fan (most likely)
sideline next to his idol, Buzz. Harry Dawg has been wrapped in quite the controversy (and
buzz is love, buzz is life tattoos) since his Buzz tattoo was exposed in downtown Athens.
// SPURTS
UH OH! uga XI mistaken for football at
practice, uga XII to make surprise debut
MIKE HAWK
ANIMAL ACTIVIST
Carson Beck didn’t have his
finest day in practice — he threw
28 picks and fumbled 27 times.
However, he didn’t just dog it on
the field.
While walking to the side dur-
ing a break, the first-year starter,
frustrated with his lacklustre
performance, started “barking”
at an unnamed offensive qual-
ity control assistant to get him a
ball. The junior out of Jackson-
ville, Fla. reportedly “woofed and
growled” before angrily yelling,
“I’m better than Stetson! Give me
my respect!”
The coach started yelling back
at Beck, reportedly telling him
that “he couldn’t hold [redacted]
@#$!*& jockstrap” and “[re-
dacted] wouldn’t have looked mid
against Mizzou’’ before the two
got into a huge shouting match.
Assistants swarmed the two and
had to physically separate them.
Held back by two assistants, the
young quarterback kept scream-
ing insults before head coach Kir-
by Smart put a muzzle on Beck
and benched him for the rest of
the session.
After he was put onto the
bench, Beck waited until the
training staff and coaches were
not looking before he snuck off
to the equipment locker, broke
the lock and grabbed a training
net and a bag of footballs to con-
u [sic] GA
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 17, 2023 • 19
tinue practicing. Working behind
the equipment locker, he picked
up the ball from the bag and
launched it straight towards the
net without considering why the
“ball” he threw was so heavy and
had slobber all over it.
Beck watched in absolute hor-
ror as uga XI, the beloved mas-
cot, ricocheted off the net and
slammed into the ground with a
loud woofing noise. It turned out
that the curious canine snuck into
the bag after escaping from his
handlers and was enjoying a nice
nap before his tragic encounter
with the net. Trainers and medi-
cal personnel rushed to the scene,
but unfortunately, uga XI did not
have enough “dawg” in him and
succumbed to his injuries.
Beck was immediately benched
for the next two practices and
will be required to serve as the
designated “pooper scooper” for
uga XII as he makes his debut
next Saturday against Tennes-
see. “I know I’ve made my life a
whole lot harder,” said the rookie
signal-caller “and this time, it’s
not because of Snapchat. I’m man Photo by uga XII
enough to own up to my mistakes uga XI went on the ride of his life when Carson Beck hurled him into a net. The
and I plan on earning my way fatal accident will see a memorial put in Sanford Stadium at the end of the season
back to the starting lineup.”
we temporarily inter- championship-calibre team and punishment, Smart said “Carson Smart later confirmed that
rupt this article to talk our drive to be the best we can be has been fantastic for us all year, Beck would rejoin the starting
about Nord VPN. on and off the field is unmatched. but we have to make sure he un- lineup on Saturday against Ten-
“We have a first-rate policy Winning the race to the national derstands the ramifications of his nessee.
when it comes to dealing with championship is going to take actions. This is a tragic loss for the i wonder what uga
team distractions,” said Smart complete buy-in.” entire university and we hope he XI’s last thought
after practice “and the standard When asked about whether can learn and grow from this ex- was...y’all think he un-
is known at u[sic]GA. This is a a benching was an appropriate perience.” derstood addition?
has lu d acr i s
bad, gt
& gravy
Spurts
Webkinz Warriors: u[sic]GA athletics to
launch first competitive Webkinz program
GUY INTO STUFFED ANIMALS
BUT NOT IN A FURRY WAY
The dwags are finally
going digital on the in-
ternet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In an exciting announcement,
u[sic]GA Athletics has announced
that it has filed the paperwork
with the National Association of
College Esports (NACE) to start
the very first competitive Web-
kinz team in the nation.
The popular video game re-
volves around purchasing Web-
kinz toys from respected retailers
like Toys R Us and scanning a
“secret code” on the toys in order
to use them in the virtual game,
which is on iOS, Android, Ma-
cOS and Windows 10 computers.
Players can then earn points by
taking care of their pets, answer-
ing trivia questions and playing
minigames on their profile.
Although specific details on
the team are scarce, it is expect-
ed that over 20,000 applications
to join the twelve-member team
have already been submitted.
While only the written question-
naire has been released thus far, it
is only one step in what is antici-
pated to be a gruelling application
process. Prospective members will
need to undergo a battery of tests,
Football field changed!!!!
now kindergarten rug, yay!
RUGGIN N’ BUGGIN
LOCAL RUG SHOP EMPLOYEE
Athletic Director Bosh Jrooks
called an emergency meeting of
the press yesterday to debrief
issues regarding Dooley Field
at Sanford Stadium. After a
drunken student vomited on the
field against Mississippi, Dooley
Field will effectively be receiv-
ing a new surface according to
Jrooks. The staggering $314.50
renovation brings a new prepu-
bescent look to the stadium that
matches the behavior of the ath-
letes and staff alike!!!!!!!
“We are elated to have part-
nered with KidCarpet.com to
bring in a new field that appears
appropriate for our football team
to perform on,” said Jrooks.
The new colorfilled playing
surface also leads Dooley Field
to be rebranded as Dooley Rug.
The players allegedly were per-
mitted to make requests as to
what designs they wanted to see
on the rug’s extensive surface.
“I think ya know uh well ya
know uh we got that uh dawg
thing uh ya know and uh uga
right uh ya know?” said junior
quarterback Barson Ceck on the
rug designs.
The rug is projected to arrive
on Nov. 25 to comfort the play-
ers following the absolute demo-
SPORTS EDITOR:
Mighty Kangaroo
ASSISTANT SPORTS EDITOR:
World’s Hottest Frat Guy
including secret code identifica-
tion, advanced typing practice,
neural reflex assays and scavenger
hunts. Furthermore, there will
be three rounds of interviewing
where candidates will be placed
into a virtual Webkinz environ-
ment and undergo a “dynamic
simulation.” During the course of
the simulation, they will be pre-
sented with scenarios like running
out of Webkinz tokens and get-
ting into fights with other players
to profile their fit on the team.
Through the university’s ex-
isting NIL partnerships, the new
team, known as the WebDawgs,
are all going to be using custom
bulldog Webkinz toys that will
bark at random intervals in both
the game and in real life.
Concerns have been voiced
over whether the minigames
within the Webkinz app are ap-
propriate for the university to
be sponsoring. Topics like ad-
vanced multiplication tables and
dimensions-based colouring are
expected to be featured and many
students are not happy about how
the athletics department is spon-
soring such activities. Further-
more, the lack of tailgating op-
portunities for Webkinz has been
the subject of much outcry - many
students are concerned that they
might be sober while watching
lition of their playoff hopes that
will inevitably come from their
loss to Georgia Tech. Kmart
states that a rug rollout rager
will be taking place.
“Yeah we’re gonna roll out
some kegs, vodka gatorade bar-
rels and just invite the students
out on the newly laid rug sur-
face,” said Kmart. “We figure
they’re not worried about finals
Photo generated by Miss Elliot’s Kindergarten Class
A rendering of the new rug that is to replace Dooley Field
was released by u[sic]GA athletics this past weekend.
THWuGA
When Dogs Fly!!!!
uga XI takes fatal flight at football
practice. uga XII incoming419
20
Friday,
bark bark bark bark November 17, 2023
the matches. u[sic]GA Athletics is described “CEO of tailgating”, vent of virtual reality and artificial
currently looking into solutions, Farthington is not impressed by intelligence, we believe it’s a great
but university sources say that no the department’s efforts. “It’s truly time for our department to step
decision has been made yet. a u[sic]GA event if I can get some into augmented reality and zig
me personally, im Trulys and kick back with the where everyone else is zagging.”
pregaming ALL the boys. I can’t do that, so it’s a waste said the athletics department in a
webkinz home match- of time.” said Farthington in an statement responding to student
es. BORGkinz for sure. interview outside of Phi Ligma concerns.
“These are nerd activities.” Chi’s house. There has been no confirma-
said fourth-year business major “We see this as a really exciting tion as to whether other teams
Harold Farthington IV, the presi- opportunity to define an esports have been formed in the NCAA
dent of Phi Ligma Chi. The self- legacy for u[sic]GA. With the ad- so the dwags stand alone.
Photo by Pink Poodle Webkin
Students ZOOMED to the WebDawg tryouts held in Stegeman Coliseum where everyone was
foaming at the mouth to decide who would represent them on u[sic]GA’s first Webkinz team.
buzz is coming
anyway, nobody at this school
cares about school.”
oh heck yeah, i am
SO there! RUG RAGER
Players are super excited
about the new surface as it of-
fers them a chance to showcase
their talents with color and
shape identification. Donors and
alumni also are celebrating the
new change to Dooley Field.
Week in Sports
Nov. 18 - Football at Tennessee Volunteers
Nov. 19 - Basketball oh gawd no help
Nov. 21 - Croquet versus somebody
no chance you’re going to this
Nov. 22 - Beer Pong versus Lambda Rho
Nov. 23 - ain’t it thanksgiving
Nov. 24 - Bass Fishing at some swamp
Nov. 25 - Football versus Georgia Tech
HAYNES KING SZN BOYS LET’S GO
OH YEAH. whoops i meant uh ex-
cuse me, uh go dawgs uh yea sure.
Nov. 26 - who cares anymore, LAST PAGE WOO