Assertiveness: How to Be Assertive & High-Power

thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/social-skills-advanced/topic/assertiveness-how-to-be-
assertive-high-power

An infographic as a primer of the communication styles:

In this lesson, we learn:

1. The different styles of communication

2. The passive-aggressive style, and why to avoid it
3. Assertiveness, why it’s best, and how to become more assertive

In the next lessons, we will also be learning when NOT to be assertive and when to be
more passive or more aggressive.
But first, we need to learn the basics.

INTRO

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/dR3F9CIJVwY

Most resources on social skills and communication present assertion as the sweet spot
between submission and aggression.

And they all encourage to adopt assertive communication.

The Power Moves mostly supports that advice, and adds a few twists:

Assertive Boost 1: Learn ALL Styles of Communication

Social effectiveness is all about calibrating to people and situations.

To maximize your chances of success in life, you need to learn and master the
whole communication spectrum, including submission and aggression.

Why?

1. To better understand others: learning to read people empowers you to better

socialize, influence, and possibly, to also help people grow
2. To adapt and strategize: different environments and different situations call for
different styles of communication

Because each style has its strategic use in socialization.

Sometimes acting submissive, and letting others have -or feel– higher power is
strategically the best option.
And some other times, you might have to act more aggressive to meet aggression with
aggression or, when all other options are exhausted, aggression as a last resort might be
fair.

So in the next lessons, we will learn when and how to use each one.

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Assertive Boost 2: Assertive AND Persuasive
Most assertiveness resources define assertiveness along these lines:

State your needs, wants, and feelings, without trying to influence or persuade others.

The Power Moves does not embrace the second part.

Persuasion and influence are at the core of personal power.
You cannot accomplish anything in this world without persuading and influencing others.

There is no added value or glory in “not trying to influence others”.

As a matter of fact, it’s impossible not to influence others. The only question is not
whether you will influence the people you deal with, the question is whether your
influence is positive, or negative.

Positive persuasion also comes naturally to high-quality individuals, and if you use it well,
it’s a good thing.

So this is assertiveness defined within a high-quality, high-power perspective:

To state your needs, wants, feelings, and opinions clearly and directly, to respect yourself as
well as others, and to influence the world around you, including other people, to reach
certain goals.

How Often You Should Be Assertive

There is no rule carved in stone.
How frequently you should be assertive depends on a number of factors, including:

– Where you’re at in your life and career: it might pay off to say “yes” to your boss
even when you’d want to say “no”, sometimes (Caldwell, 2018)
– Where you’re at in the mastery curve: beginners might learn quicker if they just
accept and do what the teacher says
– Your culture: different cultures expect more or less assertion, depending on your
status, gender, and role
– Your goals and chosen strategies: sometimes it pays off to be strategically more
submissive, or more aggressive
– Gender (more later)

But as a big rule of thumb, you should probably be using assertion the majority of your
time, between 50 to 95%.
And the rest either submission or aggression, with a (very!) rare dip into passive
aggression (examples later).

Overview
Do you know what’s your current style of communication?

Take this quick self-assessment test

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Albeit we use all of them at least some of the times, most people tend to mostly stick to
one of them.

That is because most people tend to adopt the mindsets, values, and beliefs of a certain
style of communication, and those mindsets keep them stuck there.

That’s why we will also be focusing on mindsets here.

But let’s go in order.

Here is a visual chart of the different styles of communication:

Based on Randy Paterson work (Paterson, 2000)

You can see the full picture here.

And we will review both passive and aggressive in future lessons.

For now, a video speaks more than a thousand words:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/P4FBPsFL-bE

Aggressive: look Jerry, you’re not selling me a damn car. It’s my show here. That’s that
Passive: (puts his head down, looks up to the second highest authority in the room)

We will review both passive and aggressive in the next lesson.

Now we focus on assertion and passive-aggression.

Passive Aggressive
The passive-aggressive types mixes elements of both the passive and aggressive style.

They are as afraid of standing up for themselves as the passive type, but have the same
drive to control as the aggressive type.

The result is a mix:

1. Capitulation out of fear

2. Followed by unexpressed anger
3. Followed by undercover aggression and sabotage to get it their way, or to exact
revenge

Some of the traits and behaviors of passive-aggressives:

Takes Everything Negatively

Passive-aggressives like to take things negatively (Williams, 2020).

Why?

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Because it justifies their repressed anger and aggression.
Taking things and people negatively makes it easy for them to justify their covert
operations.

This is also why you want to avoid passive-aggression at all costs: it poisons your
interactions as well as your mood.

Fight Without Fighting

Passive-aggressive can be quite twisted in their competition.

For example, they might see you’re about to commit a mistake, but don’t tell you anything
because they think that your loss is their win.

Or they might be the coworkers who “forget” to CC you in the customer email, so that you
don’t stay in the loop.

Do Things Improperly

They fear saying no, so they say yes.

But they still want to find a way out.
Result?
They half-ass their work.

Are Non-Committal

Passive-aggressive individuals are masters of ambiguity.

It can be hard to pinpoint whether they’re telling you yes or no, and it’s often
premeditated.
That way, they keep their options open to do whatever they please.

Afraid of talking straight, they’re also foggy and noncommittal with their requests.
You know, “you don’t have to if you don’t want to”, they’ll say. But if you don’t, they’ll
sulk.

Leave “hints” instead of talking directly

Instead of asking you to do your part of the cleaning, they might clean only their side of
the flat.

You know, “sending you a message”, instead of speaking up.

Cuss & threaten, but murmuring

The passive-aggressive might be seething with anger, but:

Fears of his own anger

Fears he will be punished for honest expression
Fears the confrontation, or the consequences of engaging and “losing”

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But when the anger is strong, it seeps out at the seams. Save for hiding it again behind a
fake smile if confronted.
See an example here:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/Kt-US8IjtYw

Him: (irritated and fighting his own irritation, moving towards aggression) Ma’am! I
answered your question
Her: I’m sorry sir?
Him: (moves back to passive, tries to smile more) Ma’am, I answered your question. I
answered. I’m cooperating here, and there is no… (mutters)
Her: (going on the offensive) Sir, you have no call in getting snippy with me, I’m just doing
my job here
Him: (retreats even further)

She was also not being fully assertive.

Especially the “just” part, it’s a defensive statement, and she had no reason to be
defensive, she has all the rights to keep questioning.
A more assertive response from her would have been:

Assertive Option: I understand this is frustrating but I am investigating a crime, and I

intend to do it properly. And I need you to cooperate with me sir

If she wanted to make her statement even higher power and hold an even stronger frame,
she could have added some “higher values”, for example:

I owe it to the victim and his family (= you’re being a selfish, low-quality citizen for
stopping justice)

But it wasn’t strictly necessary here.

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Power… At High Cost
It might sound surprising but…

Some passive-aggressive can get power.

They can get some power because many passive-aggressives crave power.
So the more Machiavellian ones can find sneakier and more indirect ways to win.

Problem is, of course, sneaky and undercover ways only get you so far.
And “so far” rarely is to the top.

The passive-aggressive style comes at very high costs, including:

Personal costs: diminished self-esteem, repressed anger, and difficulty in

developing strong relationships based on honesty
Status / social power costs: people eventually catch up to the sneakiness of the
passive-aggressive
Reputational costs: when the passive-aggressive resorts to sabotage and
underhanded tactics, he gets a reputation for being unreliable, disorganized, or
inconsiderate

People might never be able to point out a few clear examples and say “this is what I’m
talking about”, but their general opinion of the passive-aggressive declines.

Avoiding The “Too Nice Passive-Aggressive”

Sometimes you behave passive-aggressive even when you’re not a passive-aggressive type.

How?

Well, since anger and enmity are frowned upon, people can sometimes over-deny those
feelings.

But then, when they show up, they will look like hypocrites.

Look at this interview for example:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/U0DaDVT1qfo

Rossi: It sounds to me a bit strange, because in reality, we don’t have any problem (and then
refuses to shake hands with the man he “has no problem with”)

There is an overlap between power and assertiveness, but they’re not the same.

Rossi is high-power in the video above, but lacks assertiveness and falls into the passive-
aggressive trap.

Marquez is also Machiavellian to look so friendly and candid, as if to say “I’d love to be
friends, I’m good, it’s him who doesn’t want”.
That contrast makes Rossi seem unjustifiably angry and vindicative.

So, what was a better alternative for Rossi?

Think about it please.

And later you will see a very similar situation, but with an assertive approach.

Handling passive-aggressive

A few tips:

Remain calm

Passive-aggressive individuals use covert-aggression to attack others.

If you overreact, you can come across as overly-aggressive or thin-skinned, and you lose
social status.

We’ll see later how to handle covert-aggression in the “micro aggression” lesson.

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 Remove them from your team

If you are in a power or leadership position, consider removing them.

Letting them fester means allowing them to go beyond your back spreading rumors and
breeding malcontent in the team.

Let them know, you know: go meta

This is a risky technique since passive-aggressive can end up hating you for showing them
a better, higher power, and higher-quality way of interfacing with the world.

But in some situations, it’s a risk worth running.

Pull them up

If you’re in a close relationship with a passive-aggressive, consider pulling them up into

self-development.
Anyone can become less passive-aggressive and more assertive, and you might be able to
help them.

The Use-Cases of Passive Aggression

Yes, there are also some use-cases for passive-aggression.

Ideally, you deploy passive aggression and covert aggression as rarely as possible.
The general rule indeed is:

Your goal is to be as open and direct as possible.

There is more power, and more quality, in being honest, straightforward, and directly
stating one’s needs and wants.

However, as open as possible, doesn’t always mean you can be 100% open, 100% honest,
and 100% assertive at all times.

So, when you cannot be fully assertive, covertly hitting back at someone might be better
than remaining 100% passive.

Here is a good example:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/Z1Qlwl4yANk

Trump: (calls Comey to go to him, and delivers a one-upping remark) He’s become more
famous than me (opens his arm, forces Comey to walk all the way and go to him)
Comey: (says nothing, but shakes his head. Then shakes Trump’s hand while looking at him
as little as possible)

What Comey did was, in large part, passive-aggressive.

At face value, he submitted to Trump. He walked to him, allowed Trump to play his
dominant “good job” power move, and shook his hand.
But, covertly, Comey also showed his dislike for Trump -and that’s the passive-aggressive
part-.

If Comey had to be 100% honest and 100% assertive, he should have said something like:

Assertive Comey: (walks to Trump, be doesn’t shae his hand) When you joke that I’m not
nearly as famous as you are, I feel like you are setting up a competitive frame in which you
are superior to me.
And when you make me walk across the room, it feels like you treat me like a disciple. It
feels like you’re trying to overpower me and make me submit

That’s exactly what Trump was doing.

Trump was also sending a message of what he expected the relationship to be like. A
relationship of Comey submitting to him whenever Trump told him to do something for
him.

In many ways, a loyalty-test (see career section).

But can you imagine Comey actually saying the above “assertive” sentence, in that
situation?
It would have been factually correct, but it would have been factually correct at the wrong

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place, at the wrong time.

Instead, Comey’s covert-aggression, to pretend to shake hands politely but to indirectly

communicate “I don’t like this guy’s attitude” was perfect for the situation.
With his covert rebellion, Comey communicates to everyone that he’s not the type of guy
to be bossed around.
He might comply here and now because “etiquette demands that he has to go to the
president and submit”, but he also communicates that he won’t be submitting easily to
Trump in the future just because Trump aggressively seeks to make him submit.

Which is exactly what happened in the future, by the way.

In his book “A Higher Loyalty”, Comey explains that he resisted Trump’s aggressive
attempts to make him submit to him and lie about the Russian investigation.
And that’s why Trump fired Comeny, who took the bullet exactly like a high-quality
individual should have.

Some other situations for passive aggression include:

When you’re too low in power for assertiveness

Assertiveness can require some power.

Or at least the power to be fired, attacked, or to make an enemy, and still being able to
withstand that.

In those cases, passive aggression might be better than submissiveness, at least sending
the message that you are not 100% submitting.

Ball-busting games among men

Covert aggression in the form of jokes can be OK among groups of men when everyone is
playing “one-up” games. Still, keep it limited, one-upping game make for generally poor
relationships

When direct talk could sour relationships

In some cases, direct talk could make people who don’t have the courage and skills of
assertiveness envy you.

They wish they could be as open as you are, and they will resent you even more when you
dismantle their passive-aggression with direct and assertive talk.
If these individuals have power over you, for example if you have a covert-aggressive boss,
it might be a political risk to go fully assertive on him, and it might be better to adopt his
indirect/covert style.

Keep it at a minimum though, and seek to move past him as soon as possible.
Passive-aggressiveness is contagious.

Assertive

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And here we finally come.

Assertiveness is relevant to power and social power because there is an overlap between
“assertive” and “high-power”.

People who master assertion tend to come across as confident, high-power, and generally
high-quality individuals who get things done.

And since assertive individuals don’t overpower others, they also tend to develop strong
long-term relationships.
That enables assertives to develop win-win far more than aggressive individuals can.

Assertion includes:

Boundaries: Having, maintaining, and enforcing personal boundaries of:

Basic respect: expecting and demanding respectful behavior
Privacy: declining to answer or discuss questions and topics that feel too
personal or nosy
Time: choosing what and when to do, not allowing others to “task” you without
your full consent
Personal freedoms: freedom of choice, of holding different opinions, etc.
Timely and honest communication: assertive communication is timely, honest,
precise, and often direct. It includes the communication of wants, needs, emotions,
feelings, goals, and boundaries.
Expecting and encouraging honest and direct communication: expecting,
demanding, and/or encouraging direct and honest communication from others
Standing behind one’s choices, opinions, & feelings: the assertive
communicator acknowledges and stands behind his choices, opinions, and feelings

Assertiveness & Vulnerability

One of the biggest secrets of marrying assertion with power is this:

High-power assertion includes high-power vulnerability, such as admitting one’s

own negative or antisocial feelings.
This is the “accepting one’s own dark side” we talked about in the social power module.

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To understand this concept, let’s go back to our previous example.
Remember Rossi falling for the passive-aggressive trap earlier?

Rossi was being high-power, but he didn’t add the high-power vulnerability of admitting
his negative feelings.

Compare now to this other approach.

Rossi and Lorenzo also had plenty of acrimony in their career.

But Lorenzo doesn’t hide and deny it.

His approach also includes The Power Moves secret sauces, too:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/1KDcWWIo30o

Interviewer: So in the past 2 years you’ve been like two old friends again..
Lorenzo: (after talking about Rossi as a great champion) No, I don’t think we are friends
(states the truth, openly) Outside of the track we like to have fun, but it’s difficult to be
friends with a rival. Rivals with two strong characters, two riders who want to win (puts
things in perspective, communicating that he is high-value, not an asshole).
But the most important thing is to have respect, and I have huge respect for Vale, and I think
he has the same for me (moves with a collaborative frame). We are great champions, and we
are some of the best in history (ends with a collaborative frame with all 3 of them, very
leader-like)
Rossi: (nods head, then say great things about Lorenzo as well, in good part because
Lorenzo assertively built him up first with collaborative frames)

BOOM!

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This is “high-power assertive”.
Rossi was high-power in the previous video example, but NOT assertive in admitting and
standing behind his feelings.
And that made him come across as sneaky.

Lorenzo admits very candidly of not being friends with Rossi. All the while complimenting
him and building him up.
Very high-quality.

Overcoming poor beliefs

We start once again with beliefs.

Beliefs holding you back from reaching assertiveness:

“Dark” feelings such as anger and will to power are bad to have an even
worse to show

This is what we’ve just seen with the video example.

What happens when people unconsciously hold this belief is that they deny their feelings
of anger, disappointment, or resentment with words, but then act them out with actions
and body language.

That makes them come across as hypocrites.

See an example from Ray Dalio, and read this good discussion on why some (some!) left-
wing folks come across as hypocrites (hint: they don’t understand and accept their dark
side).

Assertiveness means getting your own way all the time

No, that’s aggression. Assertiveness is meant to put you on an equal footing with other
people.

Being assertive means being selfish

No, being assertive means being fair and high-power.

Other people can’t handle my assertiveness

That’s actually demeaning, to think of others as weak.

Better belief:

Many people, especially other high-quality people, actually love to deal with someone who
is frank and honest.

And if some people finds your assertiveness to be “too much”, then you can always
calibrate and reduce the intensity.

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 People should be more considerate

“Shoulds” are usually weak positions to be in.

What do you care what they should or shouldn’t do?

Act based on what they do, and what you want.

From an assertiveness point of view, when you hold this belief, you either don’t believe
that you should tell them to act differently since they should know, or you believe that you
must yell at them because they should know better and you have to set them straight.

I’m afraid of being assertive and failing

You will fail.

And that’s great.

Fear of failure is associated with a fixed mindset and with fragile egos. You will learn how
to overcome this mindset in the “Ultimate Power” ebook.

I have to convince others

As a rule of thumb:

All the “I have to” apply unneeded and often counterproductive pressure on you.

When you hold this belief, you either never start sharing your opinion, or you get angry
when you cannot change other people’s minds.

You can always seek to persuade others, but you never “have to”.
Again, this goes back to basic mindsets and beliefs. A cognitive-behavioral therapy called
REBT helps with this one (Ellis, 1988), more in “Ultimate Power”.

I must look good, strong, and happy

This is about emotional assertion.

And it includes all acts of “concealing” emotions in order to look better to others.

It might be one of the major causes of male aggression, passive-aggression, as well as

general communication breakdown.

Some women hold back their anger, and many men feel it’s not OK to admit their
personal struggles or request (emotional) help.

So they deny their true feelings to others and to themselves and seek to have their needs
met with aggression or covert-aggression.

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Example of a family where everyone tries to look “strong” and happy. Result: total
communication breakdown, and destruction of true intimacy and connection

Warning: this is not to say “parade your weakness”, wallow in self-pity, or to be always
“vulnerable”. We will have a lesson on vulnerability.
But as a rule of thumb, many men can gain being more open and honest.

Beliefs of assertiveness
And now the positive beliefs of assertiveness:

I am worthy of respectful behavior and communication, and so are

others

If you’re not treated respectfully, then you have the right to protest or do something about
it.

I’m in charge of my behavior others are in charge of theirs

This is the central belief of assertiveness as described by most communication coaches.

It’s helpful to take the pressure off on your assertive communication: you’re not forcing or
impinging on anyone, you’re simply stating your position.

More beliefs that support an assertive stance towards life:

I decide for myself what I will and will not do

People can ask me whatever they want…
… And I can decline whatever they ask because this is my life

Attention: if you feel guilty when declining something, you probably don’t fully believe
you can decline requests.

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 I make mistakes, but this doesn’t give others the right to control my life

This is a common pitfall for many.

Some people can be assertive, but then turn passive when they make a mistake.

It’s because they feel that a mistake shows them for “not being good enough”, and that
gives others the right to treat them badly.

Growth mindset and antifragile ego can help solve this issue. More on it in the bonus
ebook.

I can be illogical with my decisions

Manipulators and bullies love to change your mind by showing that you are not being
“logical” or “rational”.

And as long as you believe that you must be logical to enforce your boundaries and
decision, they will find fertile ground.

Instead, avoid even getting into argument about rationality and logic: your boundaries are
logical for the simple fact that you have chosen them.

I don’t know everything, and neither should I

You’re holding the belief that you must know everything if you find yourself answering to
things you’re not sure about, or getting angry because you feel under pressure to answer.

It’s also possible you become passive and submissive when you feel you don’t know
something. But your persona is not diminished by lack of knowledge in some random
domains -it’s different for your job and domains of expertise, of course: seek to be an
expert there-.

I can ask for help or emotional support

This is about the “emotional assertiveness” men struggle most with.

I am not responsible for other people’s problems

This protects you against emotional manipulation.

Direct is usually better

Indirect can sound passive-aggressive even when you don’t want to.

Others can give advice, but they don’t make my decisions

I am my own judge, I don’t have to justify myself to others

This last one is especially important from a social power perspective.

When someone wants to gain control over you, he will often ask you to justify your
behavior:

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 Aggressor: Why did you do it that way?

Aggressor: That’s not true, what makes you think that!

The implied frame of these questions is that if you cannot come up with a good enough
reason -or justification-, then you need to concede to them, admit you’re wrong, and go
along with their wishes.

If you don’t catch the implied frame and if you’re not aware of power dynamics, you
automatically appoint them as the judge of your actions and thoughts, and you give all
your power away.

Luckily, now you know better.

The high-power assertive stance is that, as long as you remain within the law, you can do
and say as you please, and you don’t need to justify your actions.

Assertive Communication
An infographic overview:

While passive and passive-aggressive avoid communication, assertive individuals speak

up.
But they speak in a way that is both self-respecting, and respectful of others.

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They speak:

Early: speak early to avoid stewing

Directly: state your needs and wants clearly and directly
Respectfully: but with respect and consideration for others

Take this new mantra with you:

“Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.”
-The assertiveness mantra

Assertive Communication Format

How to phrase an assertive statement?

Let’s introduce the “DESO” format (Bower & Bower, 2004), to which TPM adds the “E” of
“enforcing”.

The goal of “DESOE” is to frame the situation, state your opinion about it, make your
request, state the outcome, and reinforce as needed. DESOE stands for:

Describe: define the situation and what’s going on

Describe: define the situation and what’s going on

For example:

I noticed that the kitchen hasn’t been cleaned

Or:

It’s me who takes out the trash most of the times

If you are describing someone else’s behavior, focus on the behavior, and avoid
personality and motives.
Saying things like “you’re lazy and didn’t clean the kitchen” or “you are trying to make me
do all the work here” are more likely to escalate and sidetrack the conversation.

Motivation and personality are open to debate, but behavior is more reality-based, which
puts you in a stronger position to hold frame.

Express: State how you are feeling in the situation

For example:

I feel like I’m doing more than half of the housework around here

This can feel like an understatement when you’re actually thinking he’s a leecher.

But you will usually get better results with this approach.

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Note:
Be careful with the “I feel” format in workplaces, where efficiency can take precedence
over human relationships. More on in the career module.

Specify: Specify what you would like to happen

For example:

I would like you to also take the trash out a couple of times a week or whenever you see it’s
full and are on your way out

When you ask for changes to happen focus on the behavior you’d like to see.

Avoid telling people how they should become, or how they should feel.

Especially poor from a persuasion point of view are sentences like “stop being so
stubborn”. One because they attack the person, and two because they use the negative
form.
Rare exceptions apply, for example, if you willingly want to jolt someone.

But the general rule is to use the positive form, and to address specific behavior -“two
times a week” is better than “I want you to be more considerate”-.

Outcome: Describe what happens if the person goes along with what you want and,
potentially, what will happen if they don’t

For example:

I’ll appreciate that a lot, and I think we get along much better

The outcomes can be rewards or consequences for not following through with your
request.
But, as you can see from the example above, can also be simple statements about you
feeling better, or the relationship improving.

Same as before, seek to frame the outcomes positively.

Instead of saying “unless you throw the trash out, I will not do my part of the cleaning”,
say:

And once you start contributing with the trash out, I will also also be more motivated to do
my part more thoroughly. It’s win-win.

While the threat implies that chances are high he will not help with the trash, the positive
form implies that he will soon start contributing with the trash, and ends with a much
better win-win tit-for-tat.
Big difference.

Enforcement

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Enforcement is what you do when you want or need to push someone.
For example:

Mark, I don’t intend to enter into a verbal race about who’s thrown out what in the past. I
am concerned about finding an agreement for the future. And I am asking if you can please
throw it out more often from now on.

Enforcement is also what you will when defending boundaries against pushy folks.

It can mean repeating the same message over and over (“broken record technique”),
refusing to budge, walking away or to escalate.

DESOE examples

Mom, when you tell me I don’t care about you (describe)

It makes me feel awful (express) because I do care about you and I would like to
feel good when I talk to you
So from now on, I want you to stop telling me that (specify)
And maybe we can then figure out how to spend more time together, and make that
time more enjoyable and uplifting (outcome)
No, sorry mom, I am not able to visit Sunday and you repeating that I don’t care
about your feels unjust and unfair because I’ve already told you I have an
appointment (enforce)

The above DESOE addresses an emotional manipulation attempt.

It’s possible that many enforcements will be needed with manipulators (next lesson).

And here is a video example of an assertive communication:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/8i5SpIxx_A4

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Without copying the script word for word, this is the DESOE behind Peggy’s assertive
communication:

Description: you have provided me with a great opportunity

Express: and for that, I am thankful to you, it’s been an honor
Specify: but I am handing my resignation
Outcome: I will stay here 2 more weeks, and be gone by X day
Enforce: my decision is final

Shorter Format For Personal Feedback

Robert Bolton (Bolton, 1979) condenses the assertive communication statement into
three parts:

1. Nonjudgmental description of the behavior to be changed

2. Disclosure of the asserter’s feelings
3. Clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person’s behavior on the
asserter

The template:

“When you [state the behavior nonjudgmentally], I feel [disclose your feelings] because
[clarify the effect on your life].”

I like this option for when you don’t have a clear outcome in mind.

You state your personal feeling as a way of starting the conversation, and then you can
reach an outcome together.

Assertiveness Power Tips

Let’s now add some TPM special sauce to assertion:

Assertive & High Power

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 Say “I don’t”, not “I can’t”

“I can’t” is inherently low-power.

It implies that there are external constraints that stop you from doing what you would like
to do.

And it also sounds like excuse-making.

If you have enough power to say it, why not just say “I don’t want to”.

This also applies to self-talk.

People who thought in terms of “I don’t” were far more likely to stick to their own
boundaries (Patrick, 2011).

“No, because I’m taking some me time”

80% of people make up some excuses when they deny someone.

Great opportunity for the high-value guy you are!

Imagine how high-power and honest you’re going to be when you will tell people:

You: I can’t because I scheduled some me time for tonight and I’m just gonna eat my
favorite meal, drink my favorite wine, and listen to my favorite music

It doesn’t have to be wine and food.

For you, it might be playing a game. But whatever it is, the less urgent it sounds, the more
power and credibility it gives you.
It’s exactly the fact that is not urgent that shows you’re honest, frank, and don’t need to
hide.

Use “I” statements and take responsibility for your feelings:

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Don’t fall for the trap of blaming your feelings on others, for example saying “you make
me feel”. That’s accusatory, and weak. You are in control of your feelings, so use “I”
statements

Keep it about you. Avoid recruiting others, society, or appealing to

external “norms”

It’s tempting to leverage social proof, for example:

Poor communicator: Everyone else does it, you’re the only one who cannot clean after
himself

But that’s manipulative and ineffective in inducing change since it gets under people’s
skin and provokes an emotional reaction, not a positive behavioral change.

It’s also tempting to recruit imaginary social-proof support with something like:

Poor communicator: Nobody could take this

But that’s very disempowering and sounds like a bitch making excuses -with all due
respect for bitches-.

This is where high-power vulnerability can also be implemented. If you feel overwhelmed,
say it: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I will stop the overtime for this week”.

The weakest way of doing it:

Poor communicator: Even my uncle / X person said so

And so?
Who cares about what X said?

Talk about yourself, not others.

Keep it cool, avoid drama

Drama screams “out of control bitch”.

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Effective as a dating strategy for women to attract a provider, but otherwise.. Avoid.

It’s tempting for some to dramatize.

You know, talk up how desperate you are, how much you need their help, or how much
you need them to stop doing something because “you’re going to die otherwise”.

That’s not how high-power folks behave.

Also see this forum entry.

Assertive Persuasion

Emphasize the positive

Even when expressing emotions, emphasize more the positives than the negatives.
Ie.:

You: “I would like it much more if you did Y”

instead of “I don’t like it when you do X”.

Build them up, seek bridges

Remember the general rule of building up people and collaborative frames.

Whenever you tell someone “when you say that, you make a great point, I hadn’t
considered that”, or “I agree, you did do X, and that was awesome”.

Unless you’re dealing with inveterate manipulators or bullies, most people are more likely
to listen and help when you’re cooperative, rather than competitive.

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 Avoid absolutes, use “often”, “sometimes”

Persuasion died at the hands of “never” and “always”.

The moment you tell someone “you always do X” and they come up with a time when they
have not done X, then you’ve already gotten sidetracked, and lost power and authority.

Assertive Boundaries

Limit yourself to boundaries you can and want to enforce

It might be tempting to threaten consequences or offer rewards you can’t deliver.

And in a few cases, it’s a strategic risk worth taking.

But it’s a lie.

And lies always ruin reputation.

Every time you make an empty threat or promise and someone finds out, you lose status
and power, and you get a reputation for a big mouth who doesn’t follow up.

Don’t back down once you said “no”

For the same reason, it’s best to stick to your “no” and your boundaries.

Giving in at someone’s insistence, threats, manipulation, anger, or even physical assault

will only weaken you in the long-term.

Assertive Requests
Keep your relationships in balance, and give

So simple, yet so crucial.

If you keep your relationship value-adding, and if you give, your requests are most likely
going to be accepted with a smile.

Make it easy for them to say “no”

People don’t like being pressured.

Sure, you can “win” the “yes” with the right amount of pressure, but you lose the war and
the relationship.

A simple way of making it easy for them to say “no” is to just state it directly:

You: If you cannot, it’s OK

Also read this forum entry.

Provide other options

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If there is more than one way to help you, tell them!

Make it easy for them

We go back to the basics.

See “what’s in it for them” and “social exchanges”.

How to Become More Assertive

Let’s start with the basics:

1. Acquire assertive beliefs

Actions follow belief and emotional states, so work on your beliefs first and foremost.
You have all the beliefs here already, and “Ultimate Power” helps with installing those
beliefs as well.

2. Acquire high-quality personal values

High-quality personal values include:

I tell the truth, and I expect to be told the truth

I don’t take advantage of others, and neither do I let others take advantage of me
I seek to add value to others, and I expect others to have the same attitude

And for busy folks:

I respect people’s time, and I expect others to respect my time

These are all personal values that almost automatically move you towards a more
assertive stance in life.

3. Know yourself & what you want

1. What you want to achieve: when you know what you want to say “yes” to, you will
also know what to say “no” to. And the more convinced you are about what you want
to do and achieve, the easier it will be to say “no”
2. What you like and enjoy: when you know what you like, you will know what you are
missing, and you will be able to ask for it
3. Your values: what are you comfortable doing and not doing based on your values?

See an example here of my developer who assertively communicated to me he’d stop

working on this website because of his religious belief:

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I respected him very much for his clarity of communication.

Read the full exchange in the journal.

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4. Learn & adopt assertive techniques
You’re doing it with this lesson and course.

Also, learn from others who’ve already gone through the journey, or open your own
jounrla in the forum and get feedback as you develop along the way.

4.2. Learn & adopt assertive body language

Some resources describe assertiveness as a “communication style”.

The reason why I add that assertiveness is “an interpersonal approach to relating with
others” is that “communication” conjures up words alone.
But assertiveness is obviously also tonality and body language as well and, as we have
seen, also personal beliefs and mental empowerment.

Luckily, with Power University you have one of the best resources for body language and
nonverbal communication.
There are four lessons coming up that also address tonality and body language.

5. Push yourself to apply the assertive techniques

As simple as that.

Some ideas:

1. Voice your concerns: especially when you’re not sure if you should speak up. If your
concerns were unfounded, you haven’t lost anything. You actually gained power and
self-respect
2. Be contrarian: especially useful if you never rebelled in your teens
3. Do something assertive that scares you: ask for a pay rise, or have that difficult
conversation

Rinse, and repeat.

5.2. Stick through the changes

People get used to a certain baseline behavior.

If you’ve been always passive and start being assertive, they might over-interpret your
new resolve.

And if you’ve always been aggressive, they might feel like you’re not really 100% behind
what you say.

But it’s them who have to re-adapt, not you, you’re upgrading yourself, so keep going
steadfast.

5.3. Consider starting with one person / environment at a time

Going from passive to assertive will change some relationships and create some pushback.

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For some people, that change might be overwhelming, so it can make strategic sense to
change one relationship at a time.

If you’re struggling mightily, start with the easiest relationship.

And if you’ve been passive across the board, including family, spouse, workplace, friends,
and strangers pick the environment that is most critical for you and start with that.

Then, strong on the initial victory, let the domino effect carry you to assertive victory.

6. Reward yourself for being more assertive

The best way to make your new assertiveness stick is to take pride in being more
assertive.

Every time you act more assertively, self-congratulate yourself. You’re upgrading your life,
and also contributing to a better world.

Techniques for Saying No

Saying “no” is one of the most important aspects of assertiveness.

It’s the first and most critical step for those who are “too nice”.

Here are techniques for saying “no”:

1. Wait for the question: collect your social credits

Some sly folks seek to get your help and commitment without even asking for it.

They might talk up their desperate situation, or they might emphatically ask “how am I
even going to reach the end of the month now, I won’t even be able to feed myself…. “.

And then wait for you to jump in and offer some money (that they might spend on
everything but food).

Or slightly more direct:

Him: I have to reach the airport by 6am but I’m afraid of the night buses. Gosh, how am I
even going to get there…

This is “covert asking”.

It’s a manipulative technique of getting something, without incurring any debt and
without giving you any credit for it.

If you jump in, you are making it too easy for them. And, from a social exchange point of
view, you are not collecting your due credit.

So you have three options here:

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 1. Don’t offer any help
2. “Uncover” the request
3. Go assertive

For the first one, just resist the silences.

A bit like uncle Ben in “How I Met Your Mother”:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/g44lb8nBC0U

Uncle Ben almost got $50 for a few seconds of silence :). It’s a sitcom, but the concept
holds

I like the last option best though, because it’s high-value and very leaderlike. It also
“shames” them into behaving more assertively.
So your answer would be something:

Him: I have to reach the airport by 6am, but…

You: Are you by any chance asking me to drive you to the airport?

Whatever they reply, then you say:

You: Then tell me straight, speak up. I like direct and honest conversation, let’s not play any
hiding games with each other

And don’t feel forced to say “yes” just because you uncovered them.
You can still say no.

2. Keep your “no” lean: avoid increasing your debt

As a rule of thumb:

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The more you say “sorry”, the more you make it seem like your “no” was unfair. And the
more your social debt increases.

Things like:

You: I’m sorry, but I really can’t… Sorry man. Really, it sucks I can’t help, but..

Or:

You: I know that I really should, but…

If you really should, then maybe you should indeed.

But if you decided you won’t, then quit shoulding all over yourself.

Speaking of “shoulding”:

PRO Tip: less “sorry”, more actions

From a power perspective, avoid too many “sorry” even when a “sorry” was called for.

Not because you should not make it up to someone, but because too many “sorry”, either
spoken or with body language, are weak.

I remember one guy in my first working experience in Infosys.

His name was Alejandro.
You’d look at Alejandro and talk to him a few minutes, and you knew he’d always remain
stuck at the bottom of society.

Of the many power-sapping habits of Alejandro, one of them was to say “sorry” at any
inconvenience someone might mention. And then he’d look at them with the face of a sad
beaten dog.
And then he’d sprinkle 4-5 more “sorry” after that.

When you need to make it up to someone, say sorry once, maybe add what you are going
to do to make it up, and then let actions speak.

3. Say no, and quit the excuses

As a general rule:

The more reasons why you can’t you add, the weaker and slimier you look.

Also, “reasons why you can’t” often come across as dishonest excuse-making.

Furthermore, excuses embolden the pushiest individuals to find ways around your
barriers.
“Oh, you can’t because your dog needs to go out? No problem, I’ll send my sister, she
loves dogs!”

4. Broken record with pushy people: use the SAME sentence

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The broken record consists of using the same sentence over and over again.

Why would you want to do that?

Because the pushiest people can find your rephrasing as the sign of a weakening defense,
or as an opportunity to pry your defenses open.

Instead, repeat your “I can’t tonight because I chose to spend the evening relaxing”, and
repeat it over and over.

5. Your “no” needs no acceptance

Keep this in mind:

You don’t need to convince them that your no is valid.

Your no is valid simply because you chose it.

Pushy people want you to explain to them why your “no” is valid, but that only empowers
them, and disempower you.
It makes you look like you’re making excuses, and that you could help, but don’t really
want. And, again, sets them as the judges of your behavior.

Your no needs no explanation.

And least of all, it needs their acceptance.

Techniques For Rejecting & Keeping Rapport

Here is the thing about high-power:

It can harm some relationships, some times.

You shouldn’t be too high-power with your boss, for example.
Or if you were supposed to help, then your high power “no” can feel like a slap in the face.

This is where social mastery comes into play.

You can reject people and tasks, enforce boundaries, be assertive, and still be kind and
maintain good relationships.

These techniques are also great for beginners since they are easier than high-power “no”.

Validate them before saying no

Her: let’s go out this Sunday

You: I really like hanging out with you Clara, I’m doing this other thing though. Let’s do
some time after that

Reject the whole category, not the specific request

Him: can you coach me?

You: I don’t do private coaching anymore, but all my best teaching is in my book (instead of
“I am not going to coach you”)

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 Point them in a different direction

Him: Can you go out with me and make my ex girlfriend jealous?

You: Ahaha that’s funny, I wouldn’t be comfortable, but, between us, if that’s your goal I
have a student friend always looking for some financial support, and she’d be happy to do
that. She’s super hot

Helper of last resort technique

Him: Man, with this lockdown I can’t find a taxi, can you drive to the airport?
You: Let me be frank man, I’m overwhelmed these days. Let’s do this: try to look for other
options, I know some taxis are running, and if you truly can’t find anything, then get back to
me and we’ll see if I can support you

This is especially good with people who ask for help before trying to find a solution for
themselves.

Say “yes” to your priorities

Him: I’d like to invite you out next week

You: I like spending time with you, but all my free time is focused on launching my
business right now

With this technique more than saying no to them, you say “yes” to your other priorities.
It’s very high-value, highly recommended.

Counter-offer

Them: Can you drive us to the match?

You: Actually no. But I can come pick you up when you’re done if you can find someone to
drive you there

Jump through this hoop / make it easier for me technique

Instead of saying “yes or no” right away, you make them invest a bit more.

For example, meet you more half-way, or do some homework to prove they’re serious
about their needs and wants.

For example:

Her (email): Can you cancel my subscription

Me (automated message): Please read the FAQ and if the answer is not there, post your
issue on the forum so I can address it for everyone

That’s more or less my automation system.

Then if they’re really clueless or if they tried and failed, I’m happy to help.

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But letting them go through the steps increases the odds they will actually try on their
side, rather than just pushing work on my desk.

Probably one of my favorite techniques.

Low-Power Techniques

These techniques seem to make it easy for you, but they come at a far higher cost in terms
of power and personal reputation, so use sparingly:

Higher authority blame-shifting

You: Sorry, I promised my spouse I wouldn’t work on weekends anymore

Them (thinking): Go ask your spouse your manhood back

Defer the decision

It’s an OK technique, but it turns low-power whenever a “yes or no” are easy to give.

For example:

Him: Can you lend me 200?

You: Let me think about it
Him (thinking): at least have the guts to tell me “no”

Hemming and hawing

Her: Will you marry me, yes or no

You: Hemmm, if you ask like me that… It’s not like I can be sure, hummm…

She will get the message that it’s more “no”, but it’s so low-power that by the time you’re
done hemming and hawing, she won’t want to marry you anymore :).

Assertive feedback-giving
Feedback and constructive criticisms are especially important for leaders.

So the more you advance in life, the more this becomes important for you.

As a general tendency, passive individuals resist and loath giving feedback, while
aggressive individuals criticize and offend instead of helping people improve.

Here’s how to give proper feedback:

Focus on behavior

Same as for general assertiveness, but it’s worth repeating.

Watch the ratio: negative feedback weighs heavier

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Negative feedback usually weighs far more than positive one.

So if you give one criticism and one compliment, usually people feel like they have been
criticized more than they have been complimented.
Keep that in mind.

Talk one-to-one

I will never forget an ex-boss of mine accusing the sales team in front of everyone.

Without any previous private heads up, he framed the sales team as the reason why the
company was struggling.

What happened after that?

The sales team started plotting against him.

And they might have had a good reason: you don’t shame people in front of everyone.
Positive feedback is public, negative feedback is private.

Remember that as a good manager rule to live by:

Praise publicly, criticize privately

Pre-frame the issue to put them at ease

This is especially important when you have more power than they have.

For example, at work.

Whenever you tell an employee “can I talk to you a few minutes” their mind starts racing.

So if you only need to give feedback and they’re otherwise good guys, let them know right
away.
You can even say that directly.

For example:

You: Josh, let me say this first: I like your work and I’m happy you’re in the team. That’s
the main thing and I wanted to say it first.
That being said, we can all always improve of course, and I wanted to talk to you about…

Or:

You: I really enjoy our time together, that’s the most important thing.
And that’s exactly why I am telling you this. The last 3 times you have been late by more
than 10 minutes, and I felt like…

The general pre-framing tells them “we’re good”, and that your criticism is not about the
whole relationship, but about a few tweaks.

Give information, advice is only for special relationships

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As a rule of thumb:

Advice is great when people seek your advice.

Otherwise, stick to information and requests.

“You should go to bed earlier in the evening and party less” is not as likely to change
behavior as “I expect you to be on time to work from now on”.

Calibrate the Intensity

Social mastery is in calibration.

Here is how to calibrate assertiveness:

Be softer with very submissive folks

As Zac Cruz correctly points out in “Assertiveness Training“, it’s a good strategy to be a bit
softer and less assertive with those who are more on the passive side.

Potentially go higher power with more aggressive folks

And you might want to make sure you’re full-on assertive and won’t cede an inch when
dealing with people who are more on the aggressive side.

High-aggressive folks might feel like an “assertive stance” is too little for them.

Avoid “I feel that…” at work, or when you want to be on the offensive

Many resources on assertiveness recommend the format:

“when you do/say X, I feel….”

However, that can come across to “touchy-feely” when you’re in results-based groups, like
at work for example.

Strategically soften your assertiveness with high-power bosses when

you’re first dealing with them

Especially when you first deal with someone, you don’t yet know what kind of people they
are.

Keep in mind that assertiveness empowers you.

And, when you’re drawing boundaries, assertiveness might feel like you’re disempowering
the person you’re dealing with.
Especially if he has to apologize or make amends. This especially with people who are
extremely proud, touchy, thin-skinned, or insecure.

In those cases, if those personalities have power over you, think for example a boss, you
want to soften your assertiveness, just to be sure they don’t start seeing you as a
competition for power, or like someone who’s attacking their power position.

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For a good real-life situation on how to apply this concept, see this forum entry:
Softening an assertive approach with a boss

Let inconsequential “issues” slip

Finally, calibration isn’t just about intensity, but also about quantity.

You shouldn’t ‘ “assertively address” every single issue.

Some smaller stuff, you’re better off letting it slip.

To learn more about when and what to address, and when to let slip, read this forum
entry (many thanks to Matthew for that!)

Assertiveness and Attachment Styles

Power University is not the place to go too in-depth on attachment styles.

Attachment styles are more about psychological and inner emotional life than proper
power dynamics, socialization, and strategies.

But we need to mention them because there is an important overlap between attachment
styles and assertion (Hanks, 2016).
If you want to know more about attachment styles, you can also take a look in the
website’s blog.
But for our assertiveness purposes, this chart does the trick:

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Based on Hanks, 2016

You can see the full-sized picture here.

So, what to do if you’re not a secure type (yet)?

There is good literature on attachment styles but, as John also noted, neither of us has
ever seen anywhere a precise approach on how to move towards a secure attachment
style.

But I have personally taken big steps towards a more secure attachment style, so I feel
confident that, even without going too deep into them, this course will help you become
more secure without having to touch a therapist’s chaise longue :).

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