Micro-Aggressions & Social Calibration

thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/social-skills-advanced/topic/micro-aggressions-social-
calibration

This lesson covers the “little everyday power moves” that are sometimes referred to as
“microaggressions”.

Microaggressions are sometimes defined in racial terms, like this one:

Psychology / mindset note: it’s dangerous to let these microaggressions slip, you -and the
people around- can internalize the frame of “German superiority” and, consequently, of
your inferiority. “you’re inferior” types of microaggressions are also a battle of the mind.

But we’re not dealing just with racism here. The reason is simple: anyone can be a victim
of microaggressions, and we all deserve empowerment, whether we’re from a minority, or
not.

What Is A Microaggression?
We define microaggression as:

Aggressions, insults, or generally value-taking social behavior expressed in covert or

indirect forms, and characterized by low to moderate intensity of aggression.

In “microaggression” we include:

– Covert aggressions / covert power moves / covert frames

– Passive aggressiveness
– Social climbing / power scalping
– Status scalping / undermining

1/25
– Micro revenge
– Teasing / ballbusting / micro one-uppings
– Smaller shit tests / loyalty tests (more on those in the next modules)

For simplicity, in more vernacular and slang terms, think of all of these as “the little shit”
people play.
They are not overly aggressive, or super obvious, but they do are annoying, they do harm
relationships, they do disempower you and, in the case of “you’re inferior” one-downs,
they can also harm your self-esteem and mental health.

The crucial skills to deal with them are:

1. Power dynamics awareness, to see microaggression: the ability to see and feel
the microaggressions
2. Social calibration, to remain cool and avoid overreacting: the ability to meet
microaggressions at the appropriate level, not too weak or, as it’s more often the case with
microaggression, overreacting
3. Smart social strategies, to deal with microaggressions effectively: the
techniques and strategies to effectively deal with microaggression, and come out winning
(or win-winning, when possible)

This whole course takes care of No.1, the general power-awareness.

And this lesson covers No.2 and No.3, the calibration and social strategies for
microaggressions.

Why We Consider Them Together

The above list of “little everyday power moves” contains a large number of items.
And, to be precise, they not all exactly the same.

But there is more power in looking at the similarities, since:

1. Addressing them separately adds unneeded complexity and leads to analysis-paralysis

2. They’re all similar enough, that we can use similar strategies for them all

Looking at them as a whole also cuts your learning curve, and mare you more socially
effective, quicker.

To understand why they’re similar, let’s see a quick example.

Take a snarky comment like this:

You: Damn, I lost my wallet and I had everything in it

Him: Well, if you keep ignoring what I say…

This is all of them:

– It’s passive-aggressive: He wants to accuse you, but takes an indirect route

– It’s microaggression: It’s a low-intensity blame game that only adds grief to an
already bad situation

2/25
– It’s micro one-up: It indirectly says “I know better, hence you better listen to me”
– It’s micro-revenge: “You didn’t listen to me, you had it coming, and now I’m rubbing
it in”
– It’s power scalping: Takes advantage of an unfortunate circumstance to look better by
comparison
– It’s covert aggression: If you get angry, it’s easy to duck under cover with something
like “chill man, I’m just saying” (or: “I’m just saying ’cause I care, it wasn’t me who lost
it”)

So, as you can see, there is enough overlap in the “everyday little shit”, that it makes sense
to deal with them together.

Microaggression & Calibration

To deal with microaggressions, we must first understand microaggression.

And the best and quickest way to understand it, is to introduce the aggression scale.

The Aggression Scale

Picture the aggression scale as the following:

Negative level: Submits / give power away / empowers you / etc.

Level 0. Neutral: Does not take nor remove any power from you (assertive)
Levels 1./2. Nano-aggression: Non-value taking joke, light teasing, etc.
Levels 3./4./5. Microaggression: Indirect criticism / one-upping / value-taking jokes &
teasing / rubbing it in / mocking body language / etc.
Level 6./7./8. Aggression: Direct attacks / shunning & isolating / value-taking
“pathologizing” / highly status damaging “jokes”/ etc.
Level 9. Hostility: Threats / threatening body language / shouting / highly offensive
remarks / anger-fueled rants / etc.
Level 10. Physical aggression: Let’s leave this out now, it concerns less than 0.01% of
social interactions, and we’ll address it later in the course

In the aggression scale there is a link between:

3/25
– Belligerence
– Directness
– Intensity / effort
– Offensiveness / value-taking
– Ownership / covering

So higher levels of value-taking (ie.: decreasing your personal power or status) also tend
to be more direct, as well as requiring more effort and more personal ownership.
You can’t for example yell to someone they’re an idiot in front of the whole team (high
aggression, directness, and ownership), and then credibly pretend you were “just joking”
(low aggression, low ownership of the insult).
But you can tease someone implying they’re an idiot, and then pretend you were “just
joking”. This might not be as much as value-taking as the direct assault, but it’s still
damaging.

There are exceptions, though.

Body language and verbal utterances are two of them, since they can be quite offensive
and value-taking, while still being very low-effort and easy to deny (high-cover).
In text, “LOL” and “;)” are also low-effort microaggressions that can can easily get under
someone’s skin.
The “LOL” is a judge power moves that say “you’re laugable” (=not good enough), while
the wink is a smart alec power move that says “I know better”.

For body language, just look at this example:

4/25
A sneering smile is low effort since you don’t need to say anything, it’s very indirect, and
it’s easy to go undercover since one can easily deny any harm meant.
For example:

“I was just smiling”

Or after a contemptuous eye-roll met with direct aggression:

“get off my case, leave me alone”

And you look in the wrong because you started the direct escalation.

Can you see the issue with that?

It’s a problem of directness and calibration.

Just take a look at the scale, and it becomes apparent:

The mistake that many people do when dealing with microaggression, is that
they answer to covert microaggression (low in the scale) with overt aggression
(high in the scale).

This crucial concept is also the key to the solution.

So let’s analyze it better.

Miscalibrations Against Microaggression

First, a note:

It’s possible to be too passive in the face of microaggression.

And that’s equally a mistake.

But that’s a different issue to be addressed with assertiveness, and there is one lesson for
that.

Here, we are addressing the other side of the coin, the less obvious mistake of over-
reaction.

#1. Fight Microaggression With Aggression = Too Much

In this box, you’re thin-skinned and overreactive

Here is a chart to make it clearer:

5/25
The X-axis represents the scale of intensity of aggression, emotion, and effort

He attacks you at a 4 level.

You answer at a 7.
What’s the result?

When you answer to a level 4 microaggression with a level 7 aggression, that

leaves you at a +3 of aggression and effort.
Such, as you effectively become the aggressor.
And you expend too much effort on a micro-aggressor, which makes you look
overreacting, and lower power.

Of course, social strategies are contextual.

And in certain situations, you might want to be the aggressor. But often, you don’t -not at
work, for example, and usually not with friends, or relationships-.

Especially, you don’t want to be the aggressor as a reaction to someone else. Because
reacting with aggression to microaggression is the equivalent of letting
others push your buttons.

If you choose aggression because it’s an effective social strategy for the situation, great.
But if you just use aggression at random, 90% of the time it will be out-of-place
aggression.

Plus, those micro-aggressors might have an agenda.

And their agenda, either conscious or unconscious, might be to “get a rise out of you” (see
“Berne, 1964“). Such as: your aggressive response might be exactly what they wanted.

6/25
And you don’t want to play right in the hands of the micro-aggressors, or you enter a
never-ending game of lose-lose (see the combative relationships constant micro-warfare,
for example)-.

The Over-Aggressive Frame Trap

When you answer with a level 7 to a level 4, it’s also easy for a socially astute micro-
aggressor to frame you in a negative light.

Sure, an escalation might take place, and you might win it.
But arguments borne out of smaller stuff are usually lose-lose. When two grown-ups
bicker for nothing, most people around think “what a bunch of morons”.
And even if you win, you might still look too thin-skinned.

Sometimes, when you use aggression against microaggression, bystanders

might actually intervene to defend the microaggressor.
For a real-life example, please check this forum entry:

– Microaggression strategies

That was the forum entry that led to this lesson, by the way.

#2. Fight Covert-Aggression With Aggression = WAY too much

In this box, you’re overly aggressive, touchy, or a fool

It gets worse:

The characteristic of most microaggression is that they are also covert aggression.
Such, as it’s easy for the micro-aggressor to retreat and deny their microaggression even
existed -you know, there was no malice in their “joke”-.

You’ve seen these.

It’s the typical:

I was just joking

Maaan, relax (with a body language of “you’re so freaking tense”)

Don’t take it so personally dude

I’m just saying man, chill

We joke all the times with everyone like that, nobody ever takes it so seriously (= you’re the
overly-touchy exception here)

When micro-aggressors do that, they are effectively retreating under a (fake) kinder and
more pro-social cover.

7/25
Such as: covert aggressors can retreat to an even lower level of aggression,
and then you appear even more overly-aggressive by comparison.

When that happens, they look even more innocent, and you look even more thin-skinned,
and emotionally out of control.

Microaggression is often a lose-lose game, the micro-aggressors don’t really gain that
much status. But the problem when you overreact is that you do lose a lot of social status
and reputation.

From a social-dynamics point of you, you get this:

This is the dynamic of a covert aggressor ducking for cover

See an example of overreacting to a microaggression:

Micro-aggressor: LOL, good to see Max tonight, it took a free dinner to make him came
out (frames you as stingy)
Over-reactor: Excuse me?? That’s inacceptable dude! What are you implying. I spend as
much as anyone else at this table. Take that back and apologize.

And you know what comes next:

Micro-aggressor: dude, relax man, it was just a joke, what are you getting so hot about,
we’re just joking here

Since his initial aggression level was low, it’s also possible the micro-aggressor can
effectively manage to retreat to a level zero.

8/25
He might also use this dynamic to launch into a full-fledged defense of the initial frame.
For example, he might keep retreating under the “joke” guise, make you extend and
aggress, and then he might provide reasons why you’re stingy (“scorched-earth
technique”).
And now you’re bickering, the dinner is ruined, and you are defending yourself against a
frame that is becoming more and more real (= you’re losing).

#3. Fight Manipulative Microaggression With Aggression = You’re Burned

Wait… It can get even worse.

The micro-aggressor can not only deny he meant any harm, but that he had your best
interest in mind -or the team’s best interest in mind-.

You can get this at work.

For example:

Covert aggressor: I’m not criticizing you, I only want to reach the best possible decisions
(= maybe you’re about “team you”, but I’m about the whole team)

Or in toxic/abusive relationships:

Covert aggressor: I’m only saying this because I care about you. And instead of
appreciating me, you get angry? This is unbeliavable!

Now from micro-aggressors, they frame themselves as caring and value-adding.

And you become a nasty abuser.

It can get very gaslighting.

Covert-aggressions are a centerpiece of gaslighting: the manipulator provokes your
overreaction, then goes under cover and acts calm and innocent. Finally, they finger at
you for being overreactive and “crazy”.

From a social dynamics point of view, you get this:

9/25
This is the dynamic of “manipulative covert aggression”.

So, are there any solutions?

Yes!

Answering To MicroAggressions
Now, this is where the real fun game begins.

I am going to list many techniques for you.

You absolutely don’t need to remember them all. But seeing many examples and
techniques will help you internalize both the dynamics, and the strategic thinking.

Most of them can be used effectively in a variety of situations, so you can pick 2 or 3 you
like, and stick with them.

As an overview:

– 1, 2, & 3 are all based on drawing them out of their cover (“surfacing”)

– 4, 5, 6 & 7 are based on “going above” (very leader-like, hence: recommended)

– 8 is high dominance (use when the microaggression is too offensive and you need to
draw strong boundaries)

– 9 & 10 play the same game back on them (easy, but less ideal)

#1. Surfacing Technique

10/25
The surface technique consists of drawing them out of their cover.

Why?
Because you want to remove their cover, and show their true intent.
Such as, you want to show them for the nasty players they are.

You can execute this technique with very simple and neutral questions, such as:

3You: What do you mean by that?

You: I don’t get it, why are you saying that?

You: What’s the irony in that joke, I’m missing it

Then, let them explain.

The more they explain and wallow in their nasty microaggression games, the more they
expand the thread of their own nastiness.
Exactly what you want.

#1.2. “Who Said It”?

A common technique to go under cover is to say that “someone else said this”.

At that point, the aggressor can say anything and then pretend it wasn’t him who said it.

There are several ways to deal with this, and one of them is to question “who are these
other people”.

When you ask that question, the smartass either has to come up with names, which
partially draws him from his cover, or he has to start making lame excuses if he can’t
make any names, or if there are no specific names.

See Trump doing it here:

11/25
Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/fI2eFnPcFLM

Journalist: And this is them saying it, not me

Trump: This is them? What do you mean by “them”. This is one or two people, and what
about the positive people.

If he makes names, then you can still hold to your frame saying something like:

You: I haven’t heard him say that

Or:

You: I should listen to it within the context within which he said it

Note, this is also a case of “power borrowing”.

Such as, when the journalist says there are several people who are saying this, he is
borrowing power from a group of people, which is more powerful than if he said it
himself, since he’s just one person.
See this thread for more on power borrowing.

#2. Show Me The Hand Technique

This technique is similar to surfacing, but higher-power and more assertive.

The attitude with this technique is: “if you wanna throw the stone, throw it, but at least
have the courage to show me the hand (rather than being a slimy c*nt and hiding)”.

You can start drawing them out with a sentence, but with the body language of expecting
an explanation:

12/25
 You: (turning towards and looking at them, to amp the social pressure) That sounds quite
mean (keep looking at them, expecting a justification)

If they pretend not to hear or if they do not reply, you keep insisting: “why did you say
that, it sounded mean”.

Or even more direct and higher power:

You: What did you just say?

Then make them repeat or paraphrase.

At this point, they can only do two things:

1. They deny and deny (remain under cover): in which case, you explain why it was
mean (“go meta”). You effectively showed their hand, you look high-power and superior,
they look like slimy c*nts.
2. They come out of the cover: now the criticism or nastiness is out in the open. You
can address it assertively, rather than passive-aggressively.

If they keep hiding their hand, the good old frame-dominance is also an option:

Him: I was just joking man

You: Well, maybe you were just joking, but it sounded mean
Him: Ah come on man, take it easy, don’t overreact
You: When I feel offended I want to know why. I’m a respectful guy, I can’t remember
having ever done anything wrong to you. Is there a reason why you wanted to be mean (by
now you framed them as being mean, it’s not covert anymore, you can drop it soon)

This is good if there are people around, where the status stakes are higher.
If it’s just the two of you, you can cut some steps and be more direct.
For example, by requesting more assertion:

You: Look, if you wanna tell me something, I appreciate straight talk. I’m here, I’m a honest
and respectful guy, there’s no need to hide behind a joke

Or with kindness:

You: Look man, if I’ve done something that offended you, please let me know. It’s not my
intention to offend anyone. So please tell me

If they deny, again, you can either insist or drop it.

By then, you’ve made it clear that it was slightly offensive, that you don’t appreciate, and
that you don’t let microaggressions slide:

Him: Nah man, it was just a joke, sorry if it came across the wrong way
You: Alright, cool

With the bar chart representation we used so far, this is how these two techniques look
like (when well-executed):

13/25
The next technique also leverages “thread expansion”:

#3. Give Them Rope

Giving them rope consists of giving them space to be mean.

Not counterattacking, but retreating.

Get more submissive, make yourself an easier target, encourage them to be even more
forward.

Why would you ever want to do that?

Strategically, if you got a bigger end in mind.
For example, in certain environments, over-aggression and nastiness could get them
kicked out. So you get rid of an enemy.

Example from the movie “Boiler Room”:

14/25
Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/JfIKzReNDF4

Guy 1: (makes a mistake)

Power Scalper: takes advantage of the mistake to push him down (“power-scalping”)
Guy 1: (does not defend, remains silent, allowing for a natural thread expansion)

By remaining silent and taking the full brunt of the aggression, Guy 1 allows the higher
power to step in, and get rid of the power scalper.

Giving them rope also works if they are micro-aggressing through bragging and social-
climbing using you as a “social peg”.
In that case, you lose little status, but they lose a lot.
For example:

Them: Lucio here didn’t know what to do. Unluckily, I wasn’t there
You: Yeah, what would you have done if you were there
Him: If I was there… (now they are bragging, and nobody likes braggarts)

Here is a real-life example to giving rope:

15/25
This technique can also work if they are far higher power than you are, since you lose little
status when a higher-powered person is attacking you, but the other team-members
might start disliking the nasty boss.

This technique is not always good if you’re around the same status though, since you don’t
want people to keep attacking you while you remain submissive and do not enforce your
boundaries.

16/25
But… It can work if you have a counter-attack ready:

#3.2. Scorched Earth Technique

Same as giving them rope.

But you do it with a plan of counter-attacking.

Once they are fully extended, you attack back.

#4. Shame Them With Vulnerability

I love this option.

Most people victims of microaggressions focus on attacking back.

But a great technique is to NOT attack back, but to use the power vulnerability (lesson on
vulnerability later on).

These are some examples of vulnerability:

You: (pause, look saddened after the microaggression) I feel it’s rude to make fun of me like
that

You: When you talk to me like I’m stupid or inferior, I feel hurt

You: I’m shocked you’d say that

And you can later add:

I treat you well. Or at least, that’s my goal. I don’t see why you should play these power
games with me

We will see more on vulnerability in the frame control lessons.

#4.2. Shame & Take The Judge Role

And of course, a favorite of mine.

You refuse to play the aggression game because it’s beneath you.
Remember the “enlightened collaborator”, expanding the scope for cooperation and
cutting out the value-takers?

Exactly, games of microaggressions don’t exactly make for the best friendships and
partnerships.

So, with this technique, you give them a chance to play at your higher level.
And you do so with “collaborative shaming”, plus a good old judge frame.

See an example here:

– Using shame against shit-tests

17/25
Note: this requires some pre-existing power
To execute this technique effectively, it’s best if you have some pre-existing “social capital”
and “social leverage”.
The more people look up to you and respect you, the better this will work.
If they look up to you, then I recommend and advise this technique, since it can really
help to pull up people to your level.

#5. Ignore With Neutral Statements (One-Crosses)

With this one, you just let the small-time games fly you past.

You don’t submit, but neither do you turn it into a war.

Example:

Him: Ahaha you really using a calculator for that? (micro one-upping)
Her: Yeah, why (<- pretends she doesn’t even understand they’re playing a micro one-
upping game)
Him: That’s such an easy calculation, it’s 73
Her: Eheh maybe but I don’t trust you (said without anger, maybe even with a smile), I’m
using a calculator (<- still takes him seriously, at face value, thus ignoring the game)
Him: See, it’s 73, it was so easy
Her: Yeah, so easy with the calculator, and I can fully trust it (<- notice the frame of “I don’t
trust you though”, which maintains her power)

Then you simply move on.

When they realize you never entertain their small-time games, chances are good they will
drop it.
If not, move on to the next technique on this list.

#5.2. Drop a quick, shaming comment, then move on

Similar as the above, but rather than being completely neutral, you drop a quick “that
wasn’t nice” comment, and then you move on.

Micro-Aggressor: Oh, you didn’t go back to his place? Wow (the intonation of the “wow”
frames you as an easy woman)
You: Oh, that really wasn’t very kind of you to say.
Anyway… (look at others in the group, so you send a non-verbal message that was stupid to
say and deserves momentary shunning)

That’s it. if they don’t answer, you drew your boundaries. If they answer, they only draw
more attention to their own nasty power move.

#6. Reframe It Into a Positive

Same example:

18/25
 Him: LOL, good to see Max tonight, it took a free dinner to make him come out (frames
you as stingy, a value-taking frame)
You: Yeah man, I am seeking to save indeed (accepts his initial frame, moves from covert to
open, the assertive and more leader-like approach). I think it’s important to save and invest
for your dreams (reframes into a positive)

Then, you can potentially one-up him back but it’s not necessary:

You: I’m not into throwing money down the drain with drinks and random girls

Now you frame him as someone throwing money away for short-term gratification while
you frame yourself as a man working on his dreams.

#7. Go Meta: Explain Their Game

“Going meta” means going to a higher, more general level, and explains what they were
doing.

Basically, you explain what you are learning here and, in the case of covert and
microaggressions, you explain how their power moves are nasty attempts at gaining
power and status.

For example:

Him: (walking uphill) Ahaha, you tired already? No more pizza for you (touches her belly)!
Her: You’re doing that so you can feel better about yourself
Him: ?
Her: Yeah, you know, these are all small power moves. You push me down, frame me as
“inferior” for having less strength, so you can be or feel superior
Him: No, it was just a joke
Her: Yeah, sure, it was a joke. But a one-upping type of joke.
Imagine if next time we’re doing something I’m good at, I come to you and say “ooh poor
you, you have no idea how to do this, do you?” How would you feel?
It’s the same

Then keep on going, and you can turn it into a “collaborative shaming”, such as: “I expect
better from you”, and then end up with collaborative framing “we can do better than this”.

More on this in the relationship module.

#7.2. Going meta on one-upping sarcasm

Going meta is also a good technique against one-upping sarcasm.
For example:

19/25
 You: (make a small mistake)
Him: You’re such a genius (they use sarcasm to actually say “you’re so stupid”)
You: When someone makes a mistake and you tell them they’re genius, it feels like you’re
attacking and making fun of them (note: add the “making fun” part because if you leave the
“attacking” part alone, he can go undercover with the usual “I was just joking”). Some
people (keep it impersonal, it leaves him less room to defend saying “not me, that wasn’t my
intention) do that as a way of feeling superior, but it’s actually just annoying

Optional, you can then add: “and not what a good friend / supportive spouse would do”.

This last part is positive shaming, you shame them while holding them up to higher
standards, and encouraging them to join you at that higher level of socialization.

For more:

Dealing with “you’re a genius” sarcasm.

#8. Dominance to Draw Boundaries

Yes, you can use dominance against covert-aggression.

There are two ways: one uses the same microaggression, and one escalates:

#8.2. Covert Aggression Back With “Affectionate Dominance”

With this one, you go both personally higher -ignoring the power move-, and higher
dominance -one-upping them at the same time-.

For example:

Micro-aggressor: LOL, good to see Max tonight, it took a free dinner to make him came
out (frames you as stingy)
You: Ahaha, Matt is being his usual friendly self tonight (pats Max on the back, or points at
him looking at the group)

Or a bit more obvious:

You: Ahaha, good to see that Matt is being his usual passive-aggressive self tonight

I personally wouldn’t go that far as it sounds like butt-hurt criticism, but if you are able to
quickly switch gear and sound truly entertained, it can work.

I talk about this technique in this example on how to handle covertly rude people:

20/25
Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/xsDLsbtFiU0

#8.3. Escalate Into a Showdown

You only use this one if it’s a major affront, a crucial issue, and/or when you must
seriously draw your boundaries.

Then, you can escalate it into a showdown.

First, make sure they are enough outside of their cover, then escalate it.

We have a specific lesson on showdowns but, in short, it means that you keep enforcing
your boundary and never budge (“broken record technique”) until the other party
backtracks, apologies, relents, or… Or until the relationship dissolves.
Sometimes, with certain people, you must be ready to end a relationship.

Like Harriet Braiker says:

If he/she (the manipulator) is going to come around to a healthier, happier

relationship, you will see it happen in response to your strength, not to your weakness.

With certain people, that’s exactly how it goes.

#9. Use Covert Sarcasm VS Covert Sarcasm

Much covert aggression is disguised as “joking”.

Of course, that is BS.

Anything value-taking is value-taking, it does not matter how it’s delivered.

Jokes are as value-taking as anything else.
But if they use the “joking excuse” to be value-taking, so can you.

21/25
Comedian Leno does it here:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/8Q_BVlVPdHY

Louis: I hope I can say this without insulting you (= he just set up his own cover! You know
already that a potential offensive dig is about to come!). You’re the weirdest looking person
on planet earth. I don’t mean it as a negative, I can’t even describe you… (he is going to get
more sarcastic now)
Leno: Just the fact that I got a full set of hair (let the joke rip) I don’t mean that to offend
you (plays the same game back on him)

Leno has made his point, he blew his cover and played the same game back on him. so he
stops after a couple of digs and kindly lets Louis have his gig.
By that point, it wasn’t a one-up anymore.

#10. Fight Fire With Fire (Mirror Technique)

Similar as above.

But rather than doing it with humor frames, you take their same approach and either
reply back the same, or one-up them.

I used this technique with the initial example of microaggression:

22/25
And of course, notice the typical covert-retreat: he was just joking. I did look a bit over-
extended after his retreat. I should have at least cut out the “bias” part to avoid over-
investment.

PRO Tip: Don’t fight the turkeys by becoming a turkey, fly higher!

You can be effective using these last 2 techniques. But you are adapting their style.
Somewhat, that makes you a follower.
But, most of all, you descend at the level of the game-player. That can also harm your
mindset at a deeper level, leading you to believe you must always be ready to play games.

In short:

You can’t soar with the eagles if you’re always scratching with the turkeys.

That’s why I recommend techniques that deal with covert-aggression without

becoming a covert-aggressor yourself.

Why Mastering Microaggressions

Mastering microaggressions is extremely important for your social success.

Taken individually, microaggressions are not as damaging as other types of power moves,
BUT… They are more frequent.

23/25
Think it this way:

– When was the last time someone yelled at your face, told you that you were an idiot, or
punched you?

And:

– When was the last time someone laughed at you, made a joke at your expense, or
slapped on your back to show “affectionate dominance”?

There you go: microaggressions remove less value, but they happen more commonly.
This is why succumbing to microaggressions is the social equivalent of death
by a thousand cuts.

Albeit one cut might not destroy your social status, several of them most certainly will.
But now, you are better equipped not to get scratched by the next micro-aggressor.

… But do enjoy some harmless teasing

Anon had a great feedback on this lesson.

He correctly pointed out that after going through it, some people might be too tense
towards any type of joke directed their way.
So I wanted to remind you that:

1. Not all jokes are value-taking: some are neutral, or even value-adding.
2. Some friendly teasing is good, and even a sign of a good relationship.
3. Learning how to laugh at oneself is a great skill. If it was a good joke, even if it
was a bit at your expense, it can still be a valid response to just join someone and have a
good laugh at yourself. It also shows a lot of emotional self-control and personal power.

When is a joke value taking?

As a rule of thumb, if you’re not sure, it’s probably a grey area, and laughing about it won’t
hurt too much.
That is, unless you’re at an extreme right now.
If you’re always getting angry at any joke, you’re probably overreacting. And if you always
smile at any joke, you’re probably being too passive and losing too much power and value.

See this great thread for more.

Summary
This lesson introduced all the little, “daily small-time power moves” we encounter so often
going through life.

We use “microaggressions” as an umbrella term.

24/25
To deal with microaggression, calibration is crucial. So this lesson also clarified the
concept of calibration.
Calibration helped us understand how being aggressive or too direct against lower-level
microaggressions can easily backfire and make you lose social status.

And then we reviewed some advanced techniques to deal with microaggressions,

including blowing off their cover to surface their meanness, using vulnerability, or
shaming them for their games.

25/25