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***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping
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***
 We’ve all dealt with it. The subtle manipulations. Always angling to get what they
want, but still looking like a little angel. Making you feel like you’re the problem or
like you’re crazy — but you can never quite prove it…

Then you read something about how to deal with passive-aggressiveness but it
Share doesn’t seem to help. What’s the deal?

You cannot solve a problem if you didn’t properly diagnose the problem. And
(https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?
u=https://bakadesuyo.com/2018/06/passive-
aggressive- we’ve all been misdiagnosing passive-aggressiveness for a long time…
people/)

The DSM-IV describes passive-aggression as a “pervasive pattern of negativistic

(https://twitter.com/share?
text=This Is How
attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social
To Deal With and occupational situations.”
Passive
Aggressive
So true passive-aggression usually takes the form of non-compliance. Does that
People&url=https://bakadesuyo.com/2018/06/passive-
aggressive-
people/) sound like “manipulation” to you? Does that sound like endless deliberate head
games? Nope. And that’s because what we usually call “passive-aggressive” isn’t
passive-aggressive at all…
(http://www.linkedin.com/shareArticle?
mini=true&url=https://bakadesuyo.com/2018/06/passive-
aggressive-
people/) The proper term is “covert aggression.”

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

(mailto:?

Subject=This Is
(http://geni.us/sheepsclothing):
How To Deal
With Passive
Aggressive
People | Covert and passive-aggression are both indirect ways to aggress but they’re
Bakadesuyo&Body=This
Is How To Deal most definitely not the same thing. Passive-aggression is, as the term
With Passive
Aggressive implies, aggressing though passivity. Examples of passive-aggression are
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playing the game of emotional “get-back” with someone by resisting
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cooperation with them, giving them the “silent treatment,” pouting or whining,
https://bakadesuyo.com/2018/06/passive-
aggressive-
people/ %0D) not so accidentally “forgetting” something they wanted you to do because
you’re angry and didn’t really feel like obliging them, etc. In contrast, covert
aggression is very active, albeit veiled, aggression. When someone is being
covertly aggressive, they’re using calculating, underhanded means to get
what they want or manipulate the response of others while keeping their
aggressive intentions under cover.

Simply put: covert aggressives want to be bad while looking good.

To all aggressives, life is a competition — and they despise losing. But the covert
aggressive is in some ways the most dangerous type because they don’t look
aggressive. The teddy bear has claws.

So what are their tricks — and what can you do to stop them?
Dr. George K. Simon was the supervising psychologist for the Arkansas
Department of Corrections. (Yeah, he’s dealt with the worst of the worst.) His
book is In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People.
(http://geni.us/sheepsclothing)

Time to get overt about the covert. So how do we know when someone is a
covert aggressive? And how can we identify their manipulations so we don’t fall
prey to them?

By reviewing their playbook, of course…

Covert Aggressive Tactics 101

First, a caveat: everybody does a few of these things now and then. Just because
someone lies once does not make them a pathological liar. Don’t run around
diagnosing people as pure evil because they occasionally dodge blame for
something. That’s just being human.

However, if you see a notable, clear pattern of manipulative behavior — a number

of these used frequently and consistently — your Spidey-Sense should be tingling.

1) Feigning innocence, ignorance or confusion

Playing dumb when something awful they did is called to their attention. When
someone who is very sharp suddenly acts oblivious. When someone with a great
memory becomes conveniently forgetful.

George Simon explains the motive behind it thusly: “The tactic is designed to
make you question your judgment and possibly your sanity.”

2) Diversion and evasion

Never giving a straight answer to a straight question. Always changing the

subject when cornered.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

(http://geni.us/sheepsclothing):

Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off
their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their
self-serving hidden agendas. Sometimes this can be very subtle. You may
confront your manipulator on a very important issue only to find yourself
minutes later wondering how you got on the topic you’re talking about then.
3) Lying

But it’s usually not black and white, straight-up lies. Those are too easy to catch.
They’ll lie by omission or distortion.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

(http://geni.us/sheepsclothing):

One of the most subtle forms of distortion is being deliberately vague. This
is a favorite tactic of manipulators. They will carefully craft their stories so
that you form the impression that you’ve been given information but leave
out essential details that would have otherwise made it possible for you to
know the larger truth.

4) Charm and Anger

Why respond to an accusation when you can just distract your way out of it with
flattery and humor? If cornered, they may turn to anger. Remember: anger is an
involuntary emotional response. If you see it suddenly switch on or off without
good reason (especially after a previous tactic failed), that’s not a sincere feeling
— it’s a gambit. They’re trying to intimidate and put you on the defensive.

5) Playing the victim

Covert aggressives don’t mind seeing people suffer. But you hate seeing people
suffer — and they know it. So they’ll make themselves out to be the one in
distress so your compassion becomes their ally.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

(http://geni.us/sheepsclothing):

This tactic involves portraying oneself as a victim of circumstance or

someone else’s behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and
thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-aggressive
personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and hostile
personalities usually can’t stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the
tactic is simple. Convince your victim you’re suffering in some way, and
they’ll try to relieve your distress.

They’ll often combine this with vilifying the actual victim for a one-two punch.

6) Rationalization and Minimization