Social Anxiety Cure

:: 1 ::
THE SOCIAL
ANXIETY CURE
How to Leave Your Home
without Fear and Talk to
Strangers with Confidence!
The Social Anxiety Cure

:: 2 ::
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Part 1: Introduction to Curing Your Shyness .................................. 3
Part 2: One Weird Trick to Cure Social Anxiety - And How to Do It22
Part 3: How to Change Your Brain and Stop Anxious Thinking ..... 40
Conclusion – Breaking Free From Shyness and Social Anxiety ...... 82

:: 3 ::
Part 1:
Introduction to
Curing Your
Shyness

:: 4 ::
What if you didn’t have to suffer from shyness anymore?

What if you could overcome your anxieties around others, feel
confident when talking to people, and build friendships and
relationships that are both fulfilling and fun?
Within this book are the secrets to overcoming shyness and

social anxiety. Our goal is to help change the way you see
others, build your social life, grow amazing relationships, and
feel better about yourself and your interaction to the world
around you.
What Makes Our Approach Different
Most experts in the field of psychology and sociology focus

solely on socializing more with others. While it’s true –
experience socializing can help you improve your ability to
handle most interactions, it doesn’t answer some of the most
important questions about overcoming shyness, such as:
How do you interact with others?
What do you do to control your anxiety in social situations?
Why are you so uncomfortable in the first place and what

can you do about it?
When someone with high levels of shyness goes out and

interacts with others without the proper tools or knowledge,
they risk becoming embarrassed or failing, and if that happens

:: 5 ::
it can become even harder for them to combat their shyness

again in the future.
Within this guide, you’ll learn some of the secrets to

understanding social skills and dynamics, and what you can do
to build the foundation for making great social progress.
What to Take From This Book
You will soon learn all of the important and effective

information that will help you build your social skills. But the
information is only useful when you use it. You have to be
ready to commit to what you’re learning, take it with you, write
down what you’ve found, and even talk about it with others.
Social skills are like muscles. When you use them often,
they get stronger, and your ability to handle tougher social
situations improves. When you don’t use them, they grow
weaker, and it takes more than picking up a weight once or
twice to bring them back.
Reading a book alone will not help you overcome your

shyness. You’ll need to make sure you’re taking the information
in this book and using it whenever it is appropriate. Only then
will you start to see the benefits that you hoped to see.
Overcoming Shyness is Possible: You Just Have to Be

Ready

:: 6 ::
By starting this book, you’ve already taken an important

first step in overcoming your social anxiety. Now it’s time for
you to beat it. Expect ups and downs. Expect successes and
expect setbacks. Expect to be committing to what you learn
here in the long term.
But as long as you stick with it – as long as you genuinely

want to overcome your social struggles – you can overcome it,
and you can start seeing the results you have always wanted.
Understanding Shyness and Social Anxiety is the Key

to Beating It
Shyness and social anxiety are the same issue with

different levels of severity. Those that are shy are generally
able to go about their lives but struggle to break out socially.
Those who have social anxiety tend to be overwhelmed in
social situations to such a degree that they feel they need to
avoid them altogether.
But both are generally the same issue with different levels
of severity, and solving it requires essentially the same
strategies. Since they are related, through the rest of the guide
we will group them by the term “SSA” (for Shyness/Social
Anxiety).

:: 7 ::
The science of SSA is complicated. They say that social

anxiety is linked to an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the
brain, but it’s not something you’re born with, nor is it
something you’re stuck with. Shyness and social anxiety are
caused by a combination of factors over the course of your life,
such as:
Interactions and experiences from youth to adulthood.
Tendency towards fear and anxiety.
Observations from parents and friends.
Social support and opportunities for long lasting friendships.
General feelings of self-confidence and self-esteem, and

more.
So while people sometimes refer to SSA as a disease, or an

illness, that’s not always accurate. Though some people do
struggle with such severe social anxiety that it may be best to
see a doctor, the vast majority of SSA is unrelated to any form
of disease, genetics, or anything that cannot be fixed.
SSA is far more of a learned behavior. It is a reaction to

some of the issues that go on around you. It is not who you
are, or something that defines you, but rather a habit that you
are looking to try to fight.
And that’s key.

:: 8 ::
The first step to defeating social anxiety is to remember

that it is not something you are or have to be. It is just
something you’re struggling with. It’s a reaction to something
that has happened in front of you. It’s like jumping when you
see a spider crawling on the floor. It’s just a spider. It won’t
hurt you. But you saw it and you reacted with anxiety.
SSA is simply a more complicated version of that. Unlike a

typical fear, SSA requires more interaction, and often has to do
with how you think, feel, and communicate with others. But it
is still a reaction. When faced with a social situation, those with
SSA experience trepidation, rapid thoughts, self-doubt, and
other responses.
Each one affects how you feel, which then affects how you
interact with others, which then affects how you feel about
future situations.
It is self-sustaining, certainly. But then again so are all

fears, worries, and habits.
The key is to identify each one of these issues, then

practice the tips and strategies that help you break the cycle.
SSA Often Comes From a Fear of Disapproval
Though it is not the only issue associated with SSA, the

biggest issue for most is that they are scared of someone

:: 9 ::
disapproving of them. They are worried that they will

experience:
Criticism
Rejection
Negative Judgments
They are worried that the other person is going to see them
as though there is something wrong with them in some way,
and then they feel as though that if that happens, it reflects
poorly on who they are and what will happen to them in the
future.
It is because of this fear that those struggling with SSA

react to social situations the same way they would react to
something dangerous. They then learn that it’s easier to say
and do nothing, and they become withdrawn or uncomfortable
with social situations in order to avoid feeling this way.
Even though many of those with SSA want to be able to

socialize, they are reacting to those fears. It clouds their
thoughts, affects how they communicate, and puts their guard
up when they talk to others.
You can tell that it’s there because it tends to not be quite
as strong when they’re around the few people they can
socialize with, like family. Those same reactions aren’t there,

:: 10 ::
because those are people that they know, instinctually, do not

disapprove of them.
SSA is Related to Survival
This inherent need to avoid situations that cause fear is

related specifically to two parts of human evolution. The first
relates to safety. In pre-historic times, there were very real
dangers and predators that could hurt or kill humans, and
prehistoric man didn’t have the complex thoughts that we do
now.
The only way for them to stay safe was to avoid places that
caused fear.
Social situations may not be dangerous, but our bodies are

reacting to SSA like it is. Our brains are telling us that it’s okay
to try to talk to others, which is why we still seek out social
situations, but our bodies are reacting like we are walking into
a dark cave in the jungle at night.
The second reason is because people are social animals. In

our history, we needed people to like us, otherwise they could
abandon us, kill us, or fight us for the limited food that existed
before modern agriculture. In some ways, avoiding disapproval
had the potential to keep us alive.
SSA and Social Learning

:: 11 ::
But while there are many reasons to believe that through

evolution people may be prone to SSA, SSA itself has to do
with social learning.
Even before you understood words as an infant, you

understood approval. You sought the approval of your parents
and from others the moment you were born, trying to learn
what to do and what not to do. You observed how they would
react to social situations themselves, and you saw how others
would respond in conversations.
That is why SSA is so strongly associated with social

learning. Even though the approval seeking and understanding
of the world was instinctual, what you learned from those
interactions was not.
Through every single interaction you had from the moment

you were born to where you are now, your mind took in what
you saw, learned, felt, and more, and then used that
information to try to determine how to react.
For some people, what they learned was to be confident,

outgoing, and personable.
But not everyone was so lucky, and some people developed

feelings of fear, discomfort, or other negative emotions that led
to the development of SSA.

:: 12 ::
Once You’ve Started Struggling with SSA, Combatting

it Becomes Harder
As we mentioned, SSA is also self-sustaining, and that is

because once we have developed SSA, some of the things we
try to do to stop it become more difficult.
For example, let’s say you avoid parties with your friends
because you feel fear. Then one day, you decide you’re going
to go a party because you want to start being more social. You
go, and of course as soon as you’re faced with social situations
you get nervous.
As soon as you get nervous, you automatically tell your

brain that it was right to be afraid in the first place. You
confirmed for your mind that social situations cause fear, learn
that you should expect fear, and become more likely to
experience it again in the future.
Not to mention that negative experiences can be literally

painful. A study from UCLA showed that those who experience
negative social reactions experience a reaction in the brain that
is identical to those caused by physical pain.
When you experience negative feedback – or believe that

someone is judging you – you can experience a pain so real it
is like stepping on a nail. Everyone worries about being judged,
and when they are (or when they simply think that they are), it
can have a huge effect on their future social experiences.

:: 13 ::
So Why Doesn’t Everyone Have SSA?
Now, we know that SSA is caused by social learning, we

know it’s natural to have a fear of disapproval, and we know
that it’s easy for it to be self-sustaining. So why don’t more
people have it?
It could be because you’re smart.
Studies have shown that those with anxiety are more

intelligent on average than those without anxiety. Remember
that SSA is caused by social learning – seeing negative
reactions from others, worrying about negative reactions from
others, etc. – it’s possible that those with more intelligence
notice more negative reactions than those with less
intelligence, who maybe ignore them or don’t think as hard
about what they’re experiencing.
It could also be that some people are simply more prone

genetically to SSA development.
It’s also likely that your social learning experiences, as well

as how you processed information you did see, was different
from others. Examples:
Maybe your parents have shyness, and you saw it often as

a child and learned the behavior.
Maybe when you were confident as a child, someone in your

life told you to stop.

:: 14 ::
Maybe you saw disapproval in the eyes of kids at school,

and retreated.
Some people also see disapproval when it is not really

there, especially if they are struggling with their self-esteem.
All of these issues can lead to people feeling uncomfortable
socially, and start them down a path to SSA.
Starting Your Shyness and Social Anxiety Recovery
As we mentioned earlier, SSA is linked to brain chemistry.

Contrary to popular belief, brain chemistry is not necessarily
something you’re born with. The way you feel and your
experiences can make an impact on how your brain reacts
chemically to the world around you.
So when you’ve developed SSA, your body sees social

situations as something that they should fear, which trains a
part of your brain known as the “Amygdala” to respond in a
way that makes it harder for you to be social.
What is the Amygdala and What Does it Do?
Your amygdala controls your “fight or flight” response. Your

fight or flight response is the combination of physical and
mental reactions that you experience when you feel fear. These
include physical symptoms, such as:
Shaking

:: 15 ::
Rapid Heartbeat
Fast Breathing
Sweating
It can also include mental symptoms:
Rapid Thoughts
Concerns Over Danger
Feelings Like Something Bad is About to Happen
These responses are biological. They are meant to help you

stay safe from fear – to fight, or to run. You shake because
your body is filled with energy if you need to escape. You sweat
to make sure your body is ready to be cooled down. Your
thoughts go a mile a minute so that you can quickly respond to
the threat.
The amygdala is crucial to your safety, and even now it

helps you in many ways with your life.
But it is also imperfect. The amygdala reacts to fears and

dangers, and you learn some of your fears and dangers from
social learning – like with SSA.
So when faced with a social situation, your amygdala

responds by releasing the very same chemicals, like adrenaline

:: 16 ::
and cortisone, that your body uses when faced with a true fight
or flight situation.
You Can’t Rationalize Your Way Out of This Anxiety
The amygdala is simply responding to what you’ve already

learned. You can’t simply control it by hoping it will stop, or
logically knowing that you aren’t in any danger.
You can only stop this response by retraining your body to

not see social situations as dangerous.
This is critical. You can’t simply try to tell yourself that it’s
not dangerous. You have to teach your amygdala and the
subconscious part of your brain that social situations are okay.
You have to unlearn everything you have learned since you
were a child and show it that nothing bad will happen.
This is the only truly effective long term method of

overcoming your SSA, and that is what you will learn
throughout this book.
Mistakes That Increase Shyness and Social Anxiety
Before we discuss the treatment, we have to discuss some

of the reasons that trying to stop your anxiety in the past may
have failed.
Your brain is both amazing and imperfect. Human beings

are born with the ability to perform complex, logical thought.

:: 17 ::
Yet that doesn’t mean your brain always responds to things the
way you want it to.
One of the reasons that many people with SSA struggle to

overcome it is because they accidentally perform certain
behaviors that make it harder for the brain to deal with that
social anxiety. If your goal is to cure your SSA, avoiding these
mistakes is almost as important as combatting the anxiety
directly, because some of these mistakes not only make it
harder to cure SSA – in some cases they can make it worse.
Mistake 1: Avoidance Behaviors
Here is where the brain is imperfect. Often someone with

SSA will leave a social situation that makes them
uncomfortable. Logically, you may think to yourself “that’s
okay, I’ll try again when I’m ready.” But your brain isn’t always
logical.
When you try to avoid or run away from an anxious social

situation, your brain goes through the following process:
“Since I am avoiding it, it must be very scary. Otherwise

why would I avoid it?”
“The next time I am in this situation, I should feel anxious.”
“Now I know that leaving this situation makes things better,

so I will try to leave.”

:: 18 ::
These thoughts are not conscious. They are simply

reactions to the situation. When you avoid social experiences
because they cause you anxiety, your mind responds by
learning it was the right thing to do, and a good strategy for
next time – even if that was not your original intention.
Once you’ve committed to being social, you have to stick

with it. As soon as you leave the situation, you increase the
chances it will be the same or worse next time.
Mistake 2: Limiting Your Risk
Most people with SSA have times where they’re feeling

brave. They gather up the courage to attend a party, or they
are able to go to an after work function that normally they
would avoid.
That’s great - these moments of bravery can help you start

fighting your anxiety.
But it’s not necessarily going to the party that’s important.

Going to the party is only one step. It’s what you do at the
party, bar, event, or social situation that is truly important.
And there we see another common mistake.
Yes, going to these social situation is important for stopping

your SSA. But too many people attend, and simply consider
that a victory:

:: 19 ::
They don’t challenge themselves to talk to anyone new.
They don’t look for ways to build conversation.
They don’t speak up or try to connect with others.
Remember, your end goal is to be someone that is able to

socialize – someone that is able to build friendships,
relationships, and great connections with others.
So yes, attending social events is important. But attending

without risk is essentially the same as not attending at all. You
are around people, but you are not socializing with people. You
may talk to someone that talks to you, but you are not
challenging yourself to do things that you used to be unable to
do.
Take risks. Because only with risks can you reap the
rewards.
Mistake 3: Numbing Anxiety With Alcohol or Drugs
Alcohol is known as a “social lubricant.” It loosens you up,

makes you feel less nervous, and makes it much easier to talk
to others without shame or fear of embarrassment.
It is also a crutch.
Remember how earlier we talked about how social skills are

like a muscle, and how like any muscle you have to exercise
them to make them stronger?

:: 20 ::
Alcohol – as well as both legal and prescription drugs –

doesn’t help you deal with your SSA. It only makes it so that
you don’t have to deal with it at all.
It numbers it.
Alcohol and drugs doesn’t make it easier to socialize. If

social skills are a muscle that needs to be exercised, alcohol
and drugs is like using a machine to help you lift a weight for
you – it may look like you are working out, but you are actually
not, and it could make you weaker.
If you depend on alcohol to socialize, then you’ll always

need alcohol to socialize, and without it you may become even
more anxious while your mind desires its drug of choice.
Mistake 4: Zoning Out
“Find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy

place!” ~Finding Nemo
Finally, when you do talk to someone, you have to be in the

moment. Listen to what they’re saying, respond, and try to
have a real conversation.
Many of those that struggle with SSA start to zone out.

They aren’t really listening, they’re just watching the mouth of
the person talking and thinking about their fears or what they
want to do. Sometimes they may even be thinking of

:: 21 ::
something else entirely in an effort to distract themselves from

their worries.
This is another form of avoidance behavior. You have to be

actively trying to be in the conversation and stay mentally
present, so that you learn social skills and fight your anxiety. If
you are not mentally there, then you are not learning what you
need to do to become more socially skilled in the future.
Mistakes Are Normal – But They Are Still Mistakes
Most of the issues above are very common in those with

SSA. It does take some time to get used to the idea of
challenging yourself, being present, and taking action in
fighting your shyness. Don’t feel bad if you’ve made those
mistakes before. Just learn from them now, and try your best
to perform the tricks that will help you overcome that anxiety
in the future.

:: 22 ::
Part 2: One Weird

Trick to Cure
Social Anxiety -
And How to Do It

:: 23 ::
Now is the time to take action against your shyness and

social anxiety. But what can you do? What will work when so
much has failed for you in the past?
The only surefire way to control your SSA, retrain your

brain, and start experiencing more confidence in social
situations is Exposure.
Exposure Therapy: Effective, If You Do It Right
If you’ve been trying to get rid of your SSA for years,

chances are you’ve heard the term “Exposure” before. You may
have even tried exposure methods and failed (more on that
later). But there is no way around it:
Exposure is the only proven effective way to start

addressing your shyness and social anxiety.
Exposure, or “Exposure Therapy,” is the act of exposing

yourself to the situations and stimuli that cause you fear, and
battling through it until your amygdala starts realizing that
there is nothing to be afraid of.
Essentially, with exposure, you put yourself in a situation

that causes you anxiety, and you wait it out until it no longer
causes anxiety. The process can take minutes or it can take
hours, but with exposure, you put yourself in an anxious
situation and you let yourself feel anxiety…

:: 24 ::
…But then you stay there. Over time, your mind and body
get bored. They start to realize nothing is happening and that
you are not in any danger. Slowly, they start to realize they
don’t have to react with anxiety anymore, and you start to
experience less anxiety in the future.
“But Haven’t I Done That Before?”
You may feel like this is something you’ve done for years.
After all, chances are you have tried to “face your fear” in the
past with anxiety, only to find that it did not work and you
remained anxious. Most people have tried to battle back
against SSA at least once, and some have actually tried
exposure therapy before after reading about it online or
hearing a recommendation from a friend.
But there are several reasons that it may not have worked
for you:
You may have made some of the mistakes from the

previous chapter.
You may have only done it once. It takes commitment and

multiple tries.
You may have tried it incorrectly. There is a very specific

way to perform exposure.
You may have tried to fight your anxiety the whole time.

:: 25 ::
Indeed, the more you try to fight your SSA, the more likely
it will come back. In order for exposure to work, you really
have to make sure that you are letting yourself feel and
allowing the anxiety to wash over you. The more you try to
fight it away, the more you are not truly allowing yourself to be
free emotionally.
Don’t worry about feeling afraid. Feeling afraid is a good

thing. You can’t talk your body out of fear. But you can change
how you react to it. If you don’t let yourself feel, then you are
not going to be able to control your emotions – you are only
going to be able to bottle them up and push them away. It’s
when you let yourself feel afraid, and let things happen that
you’ll learn how to calm down.
It’s a Process, But It Is Worth It
So whether you’ve tried exposure in the past or this is your

first time, trust that it’s going to work. You just have to stick
with it, keep trying, avoid mistakes, and work on it in a
systematic and scientific way. Once you learn how to perform
exposure the right way, and you do it in order exactly as
described, you’ll be amazed how well it works.
You just have to be ready.
Anxiety is Necessary to Beat It

:: 26 ::
Before you even begin to try Exposure, and before you

complete your first recommendations to combatting your SSA,
you have to be mentally ready for the anxiety you are about to
feel.
You have to be okay feeling anxious. You have to accept

that anxiety, and you have to be willing to feel anxious without
running away. Don’t even start the steps to exposure until you
have prepared yourself for this. If you are someone that
believes in affirmations, you should be saying to yourself long
before you begin:
“I am going to feel a lot of anxiety, and I am going to be

okay with it.”
Every single technique you try requires you to feel anxious,

and to continue to feel anxious until it goes away naturally. If
you are not ready for that anxiety to hit you, or you are only
willing to do it when the anxiety is weak and you are going to
get out of there the moment it gets too hard, you may only
make it worse.
So before you begin, prepare yourself for this process.

Make sure you have made a promise to yourself that no matter
how bad your anxiety gets in the situation, you are going to
stay there until you feel better, even if it takes what seems like
forever.
Start Small – Imagine The Situation First

:: 27 ::
You don’t have to jump right in to socializing at parties. For

many, exposure is often best when completed gradually and
incrementally. You start with situations that give you anxiety,
continue to work at it until the anxiety has been beaten, and
then move on to something more challenging.
So how do you start small?
If you are someone that struggles a great deal socially,

then the best way to start may be with a strategy known as
“Visualization.”
Like the word implies, visualization involves visualizing a

scenario that causes you anxiety. You close your eyes and let
all your senses take you to situations that resembled what used
to cause you fear. You imagine the sights, the smells, the
actions that you want to take, the reactions of others, and
more, transporting yourself there in your mind.
If you are like many people with SSA, this is actually going
to trigger a little bit of anxiety.
Sure, it may be a bit silly.
Sure, it may not be as anxiety producing as actually going

to talk to someone.
But if you really transport yourself there mentally, you are

going to feel some anxiety, and this is an opportunity to start

:: 28 ::
learning how to get used to that anxiety, accept it, and allow
yourself to calm down.
We’ll go over some specific anxiety reduction strategies in

the next chapter, but to give you an idea, you should be
dedicating yourself to spending a great deal of time sitting and
visualizing until you get bored.
You read that correctly: Bored.
The idea behind visualization – and all exposure, for that

matter – is to let yourself sit and experience the anxiety for so
long that you get bored of it. Once you get bored of it, you are
not going to find it as scary in the future.
Think about it like this: Anxiety based in fear, and fear is

anything but boring. If you were standing in front of a rabid
lion, the last thing you could ever be is bored. You are on edge,
watching, waiting, and making sure you are always ready for it
to attack.
Your SSA works the same way. Once of the reasons that
you are anxious is because your mind is reacting like you are
facing a danger. But if a lot of time passes and that “danger”
doesn’t actually seem to be that dangerous after all, your brain
realizes that it doesn’t need to waste resources on keeping you
anxious. It starts to realize that the “danger” may not be that
dangerous after all.

:: 29 ::
You start to “habituate” to it, which means you get used to

having it around and being comfortable around it. Have you
ever brought a dog home from the pet store and it was terrified
around you, but then after a while it started to calm down and
realized that you were not going to hurt it? That is habituating
– the dog got used to you, and its fear went away.
This is what you’ll do when you start your visualization. You

think about it, let yourself get anxious, continue to think about
it, and over time your mind and body start to realize that
nothing bad is happening. You get bored, then you get calm,
then you no longer experience the anxiety.
Exposure Over Time – The Next Steps in the Process
So now you have a little better of an understanding of both

the exposure process and how you can begin. Now it’s time to
determine what is next. As discussed, the best way to perform
exposure is to start small and work your way towards full on
socialization.
For that, the best thing to do is come up with a list of the

issues that cause you anxiety with socializing, and order them
from least to most anxiety. You can start with this type of list,
for example:
Being in a Crowded Space
Looking Someone in the Eye

:: 30 ::
Saying Hello
Engaging in a Conversation
Asking for a Phone Number
However, don’t just look at actions, but also the emotions

behind the actions. For example:
Fear of Embarrassing Myself
Fear of Speaking Loudly
Fear of Speaking Publicly
You’ll have your own unique order, but you should parcel
down your fears and issues into the specific problems that are
holding you back, both the action (talking to a stranger) or the
emotion (being rejected if you are more assertive). You’ll want
to address your SSA at its core, and the more specific you are,
the more you can address it.
Starting On Your Exposure Journey
Once you have that list, you can start the exposure process
gradually. Start with your least anxiety producing fear, and
then move forward, exposing yourself to it visually first, and
then in person. Once you are no longer anxious, move on to
the next part.

:: 31 ::
Let’s use one example. Let’s say you have a fear of being
embarrassed.
First, you visualize embarrassing yourself. Let it be a worse

case scenario. Have people laugh at you (in your imagination),
and continue to think about you doing something stupid or silly
in public. Do this for anything from minutes to hours – as long
as it takes to feel completely calm, as though nothing is wrong,
thinking about the scenario the entire time.
Once you’ve gotten used to it you can do it one or two more

times to make sure the anxiety has gone away. Then it’s time
to get used to embarrassing yourself in public. You can do that
by dressing up in something that looks ridiculous and letting
people look at you. You’ll feel embarrassed, maybe even
fearful, but over time when nothing happens the fear will go
away.
You can come up with your own creative ways to do this as

well. Have a fear of saying Hi to people? First, visualize. Then,
go stand outside of a door and say hi to everyone that comes
in.
Continue until you are bored – until you no longer

experience fear – and then move on to the next fear. If you
continue this process, your SSA will be a thing of the past in no
time.
Don’t Worry About What Happened: You Did It

:: 32 ::
It’s going to be challenging. When you go home, chances

are you are going to think about everything that happened. But
that’s just it – nothing really happened. You succeeded in
attempting to address a cause of your anxiety. Keep at it, keep
track of your progress, dedicate yourself to it, and you are
going to find that you are successful.
Tips to Calm You Down and Control Your Anxiety
As you continue along your exposure journey, you are

going to notice that the closer you get to your “main fears” the
more anxiety you feel. Setbacks do happen, but if you keep
moving forward anyway you are going to continue to see
progress.
Yet you can also help yourself along with the tips and
strategies you use to help you control that anxiety. These
anxiety reduction strategies are great for partnering with your
SSA exposure treatment in order to see even better progress.
Understanding These Strategies
Remember, you want to feel anxious. The more anxiety you

feel as you move forward, the more your amygdala is going to
calm down when it sees that nothing happens. Allowing
yourself to feel anxiety is good for you.
But at the same time, you want simple strategies to calm

yourself down as well. Even those who are great socially can

:: 33 ::
sometimes feel nervous and have their own little techniques to

calm themselves. These anxiety reduction strategies are very
useful for helping you remain calm as you continue through the
exposure process, and many can become a habit that you use
to stay calm when you start to branch out socially.
How to Control Anxiety the Right Way
Remember, alcohol is not the answer when it comes to

beating SSA. Yes, you may feel a bit more confident, but it is a
ruse. Your anxiety is simply numbed, and without the alcohol
your anxiety is just as likely to come back.
So you need strategies that will help you get over your
anxiety faster and more efficiently, and you need these
strategies to be possible even if you are in the middle of a
public place. The following are some very effective ways to
control anxiety.
Tip 1: Deep Breathing
If you’ve ever had severe SSA, then you’ve probably

experienced a time where you felt like you couldn’t get a deep
breath and that you were breathing too quickly. They feel like
they can’t get air.
Interestingly, the problem is the exact opposite. When we

have anxiety, we actually have too much OXYGEN and not
enough CARBON DIOXIDE.

:: 34 ::
Those with SSA have a tendency to take very shallow

breaths. When you breathe quickly, you end up expelling too
much CO2 before your body has a chance to create more of it.
That can speed up your heartbeat even further, restrict blood
vessels (causing you to feel like you can’t get air), and can
even make you light headed and promote rapid thoughts.
Slowing down your breathing so that you get a healthy level

of oxygen, create enough Co2, and give your heart all of the
right amount of air that it needs to flourish can be a big help.
In addition, the simple act of controlling your breathing can be
calming itself.
Deep breathing is also known as diaphragmatic breathing,

because in order to breathe successfully, you want to take in
more air in your stomach, rather than the way most people
breathe through their chests.
Deep breathing is a simple strategy that can help reduce

some of the symptoms of your anxiety and fears, helping you
calm down. In order to deep breathe:
Breathe In Through Your Nose and Fill Your Stomach First
It starts by breathing in slowly through your nose. It helps

to count as many as 5 seconds. Don’t rush air in there.
Instead, breathe in and count:
1…

:: 35 ::
2…
3...
4…
5…
By the 5th breath, you should have your stomach filled with
air, followed by your chest.
Hold
Don’t breathe out right away either. You want to be able to

slow down your breathing and regain some of your CO2 levels.
Hold for about 2 seconds. It doesn’t have to be too long, but
enough so that you don’t feel like you are breathing in and out
quickly.
Release Like a Whistle
Finally, you want to avoid just blowing all the air out at
once. Learn to release the air slowly and deliberately. The best
way to do this is by putting your lips together like you are
trying to whistle, and then allowing the air to come out in a
steady pace. This should also last around 6 to 7 seconds.
Repeat
Once you’ve expelled all of the air, repeat.

:: 36 ::
Even though this type of breathing sounds easy, it can be

harder when you are struggling with rapid breathing. It won’t
feel natural, and you may be tempted to breathe the air in too
fast, skip the hold, or rush the air out. In order to make sure
you can do this in times of stress, practice it often when you
are not experiencing anxiety so that you are ready to perform
it when you do experience anxiety.
It is recommended that you consider performing it in sets of

10 to 20. It can take several breaths to help calm you down,
and you want to prevent the temptation to quit when you don’t
feel it working after 1 or 2 breaths.
Tip 2: Tiring Muscles
Your mind and body interact in some incredible ways. When

you are nervous, your body tenses up. But it’s not just your
mind affecting your body. Your body can affect your mind as
well. One of the ways you may not expect is that when you are
relaxed physically, it can relax you mentally as well.
Ideally, you want to relax yourself physically all throughout

the day. If you know you are going to be socializing in the
evening, don’t be afraid to go for a run or do some exercises. If
your muscles are more relaxed, you’ll be more relaxed. In
addition, exercise can release endorphins that improve mood,
so you’ll get extra benefits.

:: 37 ::
But what about when you are in a social situation and you
are feeling nervous and uncomfortable?
When you have a free moment to yourself, find a bit of time

to do a progressive muscle relaxation technique that tires your
muscles so they have to be more relaxed.
This is something you will want to practice as well.

Progressive muscle relaxation involves squeezing and tensing a
muscle so hard that it becomes tired, and after it’s tired it will
be more relaxed. You’ll want to move one muscle group at a
time. For example:
Curl and squeeze the muscles in your right foot as hard as

you can. Continue squeezing and holding for about 10 seconds.
Release. Move to your left food. Squeeze and hold for about
10 seconds, then release.
Do the same thing with your calves, thighs, buttocks, abs,

arms, etc., until you have completed every muscle group.
Tensing each muscle squeeze out its energy. When you

release it, the muscle has less strength and relaxes. By the
time you’ve completed all of your muscles, your muscles will
feel less tense, you’ll feel fewer physical anxiety symptoms,
and your anxiety will be reduced as well.
Tip 3: Embracing Anxiety Like An Old Friend

:: 38 ::
Your brain is stubborn. It hates the idea of you not listening

to what it’s trying to tell you. Have you ever tried to get a song
out of your head, or tried to forget about something that
bothered you? Has that ever worked?
It hasn’t, and that’s because your conscious thoughts and

your unconscious thoughts do not always get along.
Sometimes, your mind wants you to remember something that
you do not want to remember, or feel something that you do
not want to feel. The more you try to fight it, the worse it gets
as your brain fights back – and usually wins.
When you have anxiety, you are often in a constant battle

trying to fight it away.
But if you really want to combat anxiety, you have to

embrace it. Be its frenemy. Keep your enemy closer. Show the
anxiety that you are waiting for it, and that you are going to
give it a big hug when it gets there.
Remember, when you fight anxiety your subconscious brain

makes it stronger. It’s like it’s yelling at you “HEY YOU! YOU
NEED TO BE ANXIOUS BECAUSE THIS SOCIAL SITUATION IS
DANGEROUS! STOP IGNORING ME!” and over time the anxiety
gets worse.
Instead, when you are in a social situation, wait for the

anxiety to come and use it as fuel to help you socialize more.

:: 39 ::
Greet it, accept it, and let it stay with you through the entire
time.
This won’t cure your anxiety. But what it will do is stop the
cycle that makes anxiety get worse and worse as you try to do
whatever you can to battle it away. In any social situation, wait
for the anxiety to come, and then bring it with you to the party.
Over time, your anxiety will realize that you are the alpha, and
that you are in control. It will stop trying to force you to bend
to its will.

:: 40 ::
Part 3: How to
Change Your Brain
and Stop Anxious
Thinking

:: 41 ::
While the behaviors in the previous chapter can help you

control the physical components of anxiety, you still need to
address the mental ones. At its core, anxiety is caused by
incorrect thoughts. The brain is interpreting information,
consciously and unconsciously, in a way that leads to anxiety
and more incorrect thinking.
If you want to fight your SSA once and for all, you have to
address those negative thoughts as well.
The following are some tools and strategies that can help
change the way you perceive the world, and improve your
thinking for the better.
Step 1: Realizing the Root of Your Expectations
Nearly everyone with SSA has at least tried to socialize with

others at some point, only to feel like it didn’t go well.
Examples include:
Talking to someone or a group of people that didn’t seem

interested in what you said.
Wanting to go up to someone and talk but feeling like

they’ll reject you.
Overhearing people’s conversations and wishing you were

like that.

:: 42 ::
Already we can see a lot of negative self-talk that comes up

in these types of scenarios. You believe that they aren’t
interested in you. You believe that they’ll reject you. You don’t
believe you have the same social skills as someone else. This
negative self-talk can hold you back.
But it also indicates something to you that you may not

realize. When you feel sad or upset that someone else isn’t
responding to you well, or that you are not communicating as
well as someone else, what you are also doing is giving those
people more value.
In a way, you are saying “these people are more important

than I am, and that’s why I’m sad I can’t connect with them.”
Think about it: If you thought those people were “beneath”

you and you thought you were better than them, you wouldn’t
care that you couldn’t talk to them. If you thought they were
equals, you wouldn’t be so intimidated. What you are doing,
whether intentionally or unintentionally, is putting everyone
else on a pedestal and putting yourself below it.
This will always hold you back. That is because we change

the way we interact with others based on how we compare
ourselves to the people we’re talking to. It’s why even the most
confident people will struggle to find the right words if they run
into a celebrity, and great socializers can stutter and stumble
when they talk to the love of their life.

:: 43 ::
On the flipside, when you feel like you are an equal to

someone or better than someone, you feel more relaxed. Their
judgments do not matter as much. You can talk to them like an
equal and not worry that they think they’re above you.
Some people with SSA do this naturally. Many people with

SSA have friends that are not necessarily good socially, either.
Why? Because it’s easier to talk to them, since you don’t feel
like they’re better than you.
That doesn’t mean you dislike them, or that you are a bad
person. It’s just something we do in life – we sometimes put
some people on pedestals for no reason, and these pedestals
affect how easy it is for you to talk to them.
Raising Your Self-Esteem to Lower the Pedestal
When you are giving other people such high value, and not
giving yourself the same value or respect, then it often means
you are struggling with self-esteem.
Low self-esteem makes it hard for you to feel like you are
good enough to talk to others, or that you shouldn’t care what
they think. When you value others so strongly, especially when
they don’t deserve it or haven’t earned it (like strangers), then
you are undoubtedly going to find yourself having a very hard
time connecting to new people.

:: 44 ::
The first step simply comes from awareness. The next time
you are worried about talking to someone, notice how you are
feeling:
Do you already feel like they’re better than you or judging

you?
Do you feel a lot of pressure, as though the outcome of the

situation can affect your life?
Are you gazing on them like they are a prize you don’t think
you can win?
All of those are examples of valuing them, and the more

you notice that you are giving others that kind of value and
power, the easier it will be to give that power right back to you.
But realizing this isn’t quite enough. You still need to be

able to start raising your self-esteem so that if you do see
them at this high level, you are right there with them.
This is where it can get tricky.
You have to start asking yourself a really challenging

question: What are you doing right now in your life that can
help you improve your “value” to those that you want to
connect with?
For those with low self esteem, the answer may be “not
much.” But that’s just the low self esteem talking. Everyone

:: 45 ::
has the potential to add value to friendships. However, it is

true that you may not be adding value right now.
Part of that is due to your shyness. It’s hard to add value to

friendships when it’s too hard for you to talk. But people can
add value in any number of different ways:
Humor
Positivity
Great Stories
Energetic Attitude
Smiling
Yes, even smiling can add value to a friendship. So those

that feel like they have nothing to add are incorrect. Everyone
has the potential to be value adders to friendships.
But right now, if you have low self-esteem, there is a

chance that you aren’t adding that value. So you need to
address this in two ways:
Figure out what value you can add.
Boost your own self-value.
Let’s start with the second one – boosting your own self
value. Addressing low self-esteem can be tricky. There are any

:: 46 ::
number of reasons that you may have developed low self-

esteem.
First, try to figure out why that is. One thing to remember
is that no one should have low self-esteem, because no one is
actually “better” than others. There are those who are richer.
There are those that volunteer and do good deeds. There are
those that have many amazing friendships or a gifted life. But
those people aren’t “better” than anyone else. They simply
have a history that makes you see them in a positive way.
And that’s okay. But you also can’t let your own self-esteem
struggle as a result, and if you are having issues with SSA,
chances are that you have. So you need to figure out why you
have this low self-esteem. Break it down into what you are
telling yourself about your own worth.
Did you have parents that didn’t make you feel good about
yourself?
Did you have a poor relationship with a partner, a poor

sexual encounter, or something related?
Did you go through a very hard time in your life at some

point that was your “own fault?”
Determining the cause of your struggles can help you

realize why you need to change it. For example, if you were
homeless at some point in your life because of drug problems,

:: 47 ::
then perhaps what you need to do is give back to the

community by volunteering for a drug rehab clinic. Show the
world, and yourself, that you are not defined by what happened
to you in the past.
You should also work on finding ways to boost your own

self-value in your own eyes. Figure out what you can do to be
more proud of yourself. Do you often feel self-conscious about
the way you look? Take the time to exercise, and maybe find
some clothes that you feel more confident in. Do you feel like
you never have anything interesting to say in conversations?
Go on a few vacations and have some experiences that are
unique to you.
There are so many ways to boost the way you evaluate

your own value.
It’s important to note that none of these things increase

your value, because you are already valuable. You are the one
that considers yourself not-valuable. But what these activities
and solutions do is they can help you regain that sense of value
that you have lost, and that can be very powerful for when you
are breaking into social situations.
Step 2: Figuring Out the Value You Can Add
Now that you have seen some of the ways that you can
increase your own self-value, the next question is what you can
do, right now, to add value into relationships or friendships.

:: 48 ::
Everyone that is looking for friendships or relationships with

you is looking for the value you can add to their lives. When
you meet someone for the first time, both you and them are
instantly trying to see if the person is going to make your life
better or worse.
That does NOT mean that if someone “rejects” you that

they don’t think you have any value. Indeed, most people have
to have many experiences with someone before they let them
in, even if they see that they are a valuable person. Making
new friendships is hard for everyone, not just those with SSA,
and many, many people decide often that they aren’t ready to
give that kind of energy to a stranger.
But for someone to accept you, they do have to see what

value you bring.
Those with low self-esteem often struggle to determine

what their value is, and that’s okay. Yet bringing value is
actually much easier than it sounds. There are plenty of ways
to bring value that you can do right now once you have the
confidence to deliver it, such as:
Smiling and Being Positive
Showing Someone Approval
Telling Your Own Unique Stories

:: 49 ::
This is only a partial list. Have you ever sat near two people
and listened to their conversation and all they did was complain
and say negative things? Well, the value they brought that
relationship was that they were both looking for someone to
complain with, and they bonded over that value. Bringing value
is something that anyone can do, and the more you can
improve your confidence the more value you will be able to
continue to bring.
Creating a New Self-Image
You also have to ask yourself an interesting question. What

value do THEY bring to YOU?
You’ll be surprised how often someone with SSA has no

answer. They simply look at the person and want to socialize
with them badly, but they haven’t taken the time to consider
whether or not they really want that particular person in their
life.
The origin of this is the inferiority that we discussed earlier.

When you feel inferior to others, you are giving them value
that they haven’t even deserved. We also talked about how
getting rejected doesn’t mean that you don’t have value. One
of the reasons that confident and social people are able to
reject others is because they want the other person to earn
them, not the other way around.

:: 50 ::
Those that have a lot of confidence are able to choose their

friends not because they are “better people” but because they
don’t see themselves as inferior, so they let friendships and
relationships arise however they may.
Stopping the Cycle of Inferiority
There is also a nasty little secret about all human beings.

No one wants to be with someone that thinks they are beneath
them.
You see this all the time with young, awkward men that try
to woo a woman by being a “nice guy” and buying her lots of
gifts hoping she’ll be willing to date him. But the truth is that
anyone can be a nice guy, and anyone can buy gifts. When
those young men do that, they inherently tell the young
woman “I do not think I am good enough for you, or I do not
think you will like me, so I will try to win you over with these
gestures.”
It never works.
Yet this situation isn’t limited to young men courting young

women. It is seen in all aspects of life. When you clearly feel
inferior to someone, you are going to give body language and
say things that imply that you feel like you are inferior. Then
the person that you are talking to is subconsciously going to
realize that you are doing that, and they are not going to

:: 51 ::
respond well, because no one wants to be close to someone

that is inferior to them.
Then, once you have been rejected, you start to feel more
inferior, and then the next situation you find yourself in the
same thing happens, and it becomes a cycle.
Indeed, this is a very common problem with many people

that have SSA. They have developed a “Cycle of Inferiority.”
Their feelings of inferiority are causing them to be rejected by
others, which in turn makes them feel more inferior.
But, and here is the truth – you are never inferior. Ever.
And this is not something that is said only to make you feel
better. This is not “new age” hippie stuff. This is a genuine
truth. There is no objective way to determine who is superior
or inferior to someone else. It is all subjective.
That means that it’s entirely within your control. You are
the one, intentionally or unintentionally, that determines if you
are inferior, equal, or superior to others.
There are countless people out there that are:
Dumber
Uglier
Meaner
Fatter

:: 52 ::
Poorer
That have all been able to create great social bonds and
overcome their flaws to start great friendships and
relationships. That’s because your “flaws” don’t hold you back.
You hold yourself back, by giving those flaws that power and
giving other people more social power over you.
Step 3: Stop Making Yourself Feel Inferior to Others
You need to overcome those feelings of inferiority, and

change your mindset so that you feel better about your place in
the social hierarchy. Consider the following:
Controlling the Comparisons
Since you were born, comparisons have been a blatant part

of your life. From a young age you are compared to your older
siblings, your parents (“When I was your age…”), your
classmates, and more. You see advertisements that show what
perfect children get to play with, you spend time with kids that
have better stuff than you. You are treated differently because
of the way you look, who you associate with, and so much
more.
It’s no wonder that you may have a tendency to

subconsciously compare yourself to others. But when you do,
you will always come up short. That is because:
There is Always Someone “Better”

:: 53 ::
When you compare yourself to others, you will almost

always only see the people and things that are better than you.
Everyone has things that they’re better at. Chances are you
have things you are better at too, and even if you don’t,
chances are the things the other person does better are not as
important as you are making it out to be.
You are Ignoring The Rest
When you compare yourself to others, you tend to only be

focused on what someone does or has that’s better than you.
Scientists are finding that access to social media is causing
depression. Why? Because people log in and they see all the
great status updates that their friends are posting, the pictures
in exotic locations, and more. Then they compare themselves
and believe that their lives are more messed up.
But all human beings live very complex lives. People only
post the things they want others to see. They don’t post about
the fights with their partner, their inadequacy issues, their
rough childhood, their debt, etc. They are only showing the
best parts of themselves.
When someone has SSA, they tend to do this in their real

life as well. They see what someone does great or what
someone does well and completely forget that there are 1,000
other parts of that person, and not all of them are as blessed.
Sure, some people have more money, better looks, and more.

:: 54 ::
But that only matters if you let it matter.
Beneath that is another complex person that also has their

own struggles, their ups and downs, and their challenges like
everyone else. People are not defined by their best selves. But
those with SSA have a tendency to do just that.
Beauty and Subjectivity
The clearest example of how comparing ourselves to others

is a recipe for disaster is seen with how we treat those that we
find attractive.
Beauty is 100% subjective. There are many people in life

that one person finds attractive and one person finds
unattractive, and no one is more right than the other. Our
attraction to beauty is based on biology, scent, upbringing,
experiences, age, and so much more. There are some people
that are widely recognized for their beauty, but only 300 years
ago beauty standards were completely different and those
same people would be looked at like they were strange or
deformed.
But we treat beauty like it is objective. And what’s worse,

we treat that beauty like it defines someone’s value. We look
up to those people only because they have genes that we find
subjectively attractive, and we doubt ourselves and our own
value because of it.

:: 55 ::
This makes very little sense, yet we do it anyway. There’s

nothing wrong with being attracted to someone. There is
something wrong with thinking that attractive person, who has
done nothing other than be attractive, is somehow worth more
than you are.
Superiority Syndrome: When Feeling Too Good Makes

You Feel Bad
Those that struggle with their self-esteem, however, don’t

always realize it. That’s because some people have developed a
defense mechanism to make themselves feel better:
Superiority Syndrome.
Superiority Syndrome is when you start to think you are

better than everyone, and the world is unfair and just doesn’t
appreciate you. Even though you are struggling socially and
intimidated easily during conversations with others, those who
have superiority syndrome look for ways to “put down” the
other person.
A popular slang term for this is a “hater.” It is someone that

tears down someone else because of their success.
Those with Superiority Syndrome point out flaws and think

about all the ways that they are better. For example:
I don’t know why he gets the girls, since he’s a jerk. I’m a
nicer person.

:: 56 ::
She only gets nice things because she’s spoiled and bratty.
He’s only rich because he’s good looking. He’s dumber than
me.
Each of these thoughts is a way to make the other person

look worse, and make you look better.
But each of these is a DEFENSE MECHANISM. It happens

because those who struggle with low self-esteem are trying to
bring themselves up by bringing others down.
It’s also not ACTUAL feelings of superiority. After all, if

those “popular” people tried to talk to you and socialize with
you when you are feeling this way, chances are you’d be
intimidated and have a hard time talking to them, which is a
sign of feelings of inferiority.
Instead, it is a defense mechanism to help protect you from

feeling even worse about yourself.
Not everyone that suffers from SSA has this, but those that
do often find that this type of superiority syndrome often leads
to increased feelings of defensiveness and, ironically, even
greater inferiority as they continue to have their “superior
skills” rejected.
Defining Yourself and Your Uniqueness

:: 57 ::
You are not someone that is better or worse than anyone,

because you are unique. You are you. You have had your own
thoughts, your own experiences, your own challenges and your
own future.
There’s no one to compare yourself against. Maybe –

MAYBE – if you have an identical twin you can have some sort
of competition. But otherwise, you can’t compare two distinct,
different things. You can’t compare chocolate to a chair, or
toasters to washing machines, or apples to luxury cars.
So then why are you trying to compare yourself to those

that had none of the same experiences you did? How can you
compare yourself to someone else, even though there is no one
like you in the world?
Being Worse Isn’t Being Inferior
Now, you might try to argue that there are ways to prove
that inferiority does exist. After all, you are probably not as
good at basketball as Lebron James. You are probably not as
technologically talented as Elon Musk. You are worse than them
at those specific things.
Yet just because someone else is good at something doesn’t

mean that you are an inferior person. You can be worse at
things than others and still be a valuable person, just as you
can be better at things than others and that doesn’t mean you
are valuable. You are just you.

:: 58 ::
Your experiences can be viewed in the same way. For

example, let’s say you are at an event, you see someone you
are attracted to, and you want to go talk to them. You walk up
to them and…
… you stutter, get scared, and run away.
Boy, that was embarrassing. You definitely failed. But

again, that doesn’t make you an inferior person. All you did
was fail at your specific task – your specific event. Every day
you have successes and failures, you just don’t always realize
what they are. That was a failure.
But you are not one. Why?
Because we aren’t defined by our failures.
Because we have a future where anything can happen.
Because failures do not make someone inferior.
The average person lives until about age 75. That’s

39,420,000 minutes that are different than anyone else’s,
contain thousands of successes and failures, and can continue
to be used any way that you want them to be until you are
done. Comparing yourself to others doesn’t make sense when
you see it in that context.
There is a great quote that goes: “Another woman’s beauty

isn’t the absence of your own beauty.” But this isn’t just true of

:: 59 ::
beauty. Another person’s talents and skills doesn’t mean that

you are not talented and skilled. Another person’s successes
does not mean that you are not a success. Another person’s
value doesn’t mean you don’t have value.
Step 4: Moving on From Requiring Approval
Since we know that those struggling with SSA often have

low self-esteem, and we know that feeling inferior affects your
ability to act in conversations, then we also know that these
two issues can combine to create additional problems.
One of those problems has to do with approval. Those that

struggle with their own feelings of self-worth look for others to
give them what they don’t have. Essentially, since they can’t
improve their own self-esteem, they look to others to improve
it for them. They seek their approval.
It’s the same reason you get nervous when you meet your
partner’s parents for the first time. You want them to like you,
and you want their approval, so you feel nervous when you
meet them and get worried every time you think you do
something wrong.
This happens all the time in everyday conversations as well.

Let’s say you are talking to someone and you make a joke. If
you are like most people with SSA, you are paying extra
attention to see if the person laughs. You are looking for that
sign that they find you funny and that they might like you.

:: 60 ::
You are looking to others for the approval that you are
unable to give yourself.
That is problematic for several reasons:
No One is Approved 100% of the Time – When you look to

others for approval, you want that approval 100% of the time.
The moment you don’t get it (a joke that doesn’t land or a
story that isn’t interesting or a reaction that isn’t what you
wanted), you are going to notice it, it will upset you, and you’ll
experience the stress that comes from it.
It Expects Too Much From the Person – If you require

someone to give you approval, you are putting a lot of the
pressure on them. You are making it so that they have to be
there for you, and that they have to make sure you feel good
about yourself. That is a lot of pressure. Meanwhile, chances
are you are not as focused on your end of the value bargain,
and may not be giving them what they need to want to keep
the conversation going.
It Makes You Sensitive to Disapproval that May Not Be

There – We look for approval in others in so many ways. We
look for eye contact, laughter, smiles, nods, questions, and
more. If any one of those is missing, we’ll have a tendency to
see it as disapproval even though it may have no meaning at
all.

:: 61 ::
Each of these can bring about significant problems in terms

of furthering your relationship. It also is going to make you
more anxious when you do talk to people, because you are
going into each conversation with your self-esteem and self-
value on the line.
If you are going to try to engage in conversations with

others, you have to break free of this need to get their
approval.
Combat it Early – Before you go into any situation, remind

yourself that the outcome has nothing to do with your self-
worth. Give yourself a pep-talk that reminds you that even
though you’ve been approval seeking before, you are not going
to be doing it this time. Simply reminding yourself that you are
not going to do that anymore can be very powerful for stopping
it.
Find Approval in Other Ways – It’s hard not to need some

sort of approval. But you can find that approval in other ways.
For example, instead of seeking out approval in those social
situations, find ways to approve of yourself. Find things that
you can do that will make you proud of yourself that have
nothing to do with others.
Distract From Overthinking – One of the reasons that we

seek approval from upcoming conversations is because we tend
to overthink the conversations we already had. We’ll talk to
someone for a while, and then when we leave the conversation

:: 62 ::
we think about all of the mistakes we made and the reasons

the person may not approve of us. Then the next time we go
into a conversation we have this in the back of our minds. After
any conversation, keep yourself busy mentally so that you
aren’t able to overthink.
In order to grow yourself socially, you have to be able to

stop this cycle of approval seeking, because you won’t be able
to find that approval that you need, and you’ll make it so that
others are the ones that are in control of your self-worth.
Step 5: Accepting Yourself and Your Flaws
Long before others will be able to accept you, you are going
to need to be able to accept yourself. You are going to need to
be okay with who you are, and make sure that you are allowing
yourself to live with all of your perceived flaws.
This is crucial. You can fix nearly anything you want about
yourself. You can wear nicer clothes, put on makeup, exercise
and work out, buy a nice car, but none of these are going to fix
every flaw you feel like you have. Fix one “flaw” and three
more will take its place. You can’t fix everything about yourself
that you feel is wrong with you just by buying something or
changing one thing about yourself.
Indeed, no one can, because no one is perfect. Everyone

has doubts. Even the richest, most confident, most attractive
people struggle with their flaws, and nothing they can buy is

:: 63 ::
going to fix them. The more you look for a quick solution to fix
the issues you have for yourself, the more you are going to
struggle with you realize that it didn’t work.
Coming to Terms With Yourself
Instead, what you need to start doing is learning to be okay

with yourself. You need to accept who you are, “flaws” and all.
As we spoke about earlier, most flaws are not even flaws.

They are simply the result of a comparison that you did
between yourself and someone else. The vast majority of the
time, a flaw that someone sees in themselves is nothing more
than a comparison that they made that they didn’t need to
make.
But you are also going to always find flaws with yourself.
Everyone does. Everyone has things about themselves that
they want to make better. In fact, having some of these may
be a good thing, as it keeps you motivated towards goals and
achievements for yourself. Someone that thinks they have no
flaws at all is probably not the most fun person.
You are always going to feel you have flaws. But you don’t
always have to feel like your flaws define you. Instead, you can
learn to accept yourself, flaws and all, and embrace who you
are and what you can accomplish.
How Do You Accept Yourself?

:: 64 ::
Of course, it’s one thing to say you should love yourself. It’s
another to make that a reality. If accepting yourself was easy,
chances are you would be doing it already.
There are many different tricks that you can use to try to
gain a better sense of self-acceptance. Consider the following
strategies:
Awareness
Just having awareness of how important it is to accept

yourself is a great first step. Any time you are focusing too
hard on your flaws or your fears and you feel like you may be
in some type of negative pattern, being aware that you do this
and that you need to start accepting yourself instead can break
you out of that thought pattern very quickly.
It reminds you that you need to be okay with who you are,
and that those thoughts you are having right now are a
symptom of a larger problem with self-esteem. They are not
the reality.
Make notes for yourself that you use to remind yourself to

be self-accepting, and make sure that you are always aware of
how important self-acceptance is.
Affirmations
Affirmations are a more concrete way to work on your

awareness. When you first start using affirmations it can feel

:: 65 ::
very silly. It also may not feel like it works. But if you commit
to it and promise yourself you are going to stick with it, it will
have a great deal more value.
An affirmation is a positive, uplifting phrase that you tell

yourself, out loud, often every day. Phrases such as:
“People out there will like me for me.”
“I have value that I bring to the table.”
“I am a good person, and I am not going to let little things

get to me.”
If you have never seen affirmations before, the idea of

using them may seem useless. But that’s because affirmations
are not just going to convince you to have confidence. They’re
not magic.
What affirmations do is the following:
Affirmations give you something positive to do every day.
Affirmations give you a routine that is focused on your

wellness.
Affirmations help improve your awareness, especially if the

affirmations relate to something you struggle with.
If you tell yourself something like “I am going to accept

myself for who I am” every day for a month, on that 30th day,

:: 66 ::
you are going to remember that you said that, and you are
going to take it to heart. It’s not that the affirmation has
magically changed you. It’s that you are driving those thoughts
into your mind and making it something you can’t forget or
ignore.
Affirmations are often genuinely silly, but when completed

regularly and often they can be very effective.
Focus on the Future
Another way to accept yourself is to focus less on what

you’ve done, and more one what you can do. For example, let’s
say you go to a job interview and you are sure that you
struggled (which sometimes happens when you have shyness
and social anxiety).
The moment you get home from the job interview, don’t
think back about what you did. Start working on what you can
do in the future. Accept that it happened, know that it doesn’t
represent you, and move on. That time you spend focusing on
that future allows you to move on from the past more quickly,
and accept it as something that simply happened in the past.
Self Acceptance Can Go Hand in Hand with Growth
Now, even though self-acceptance is crucial, that doesn’t

mean that you can’t grow or want to improve. You should

:: 67 ::
always want to improve. Improving yourself is one of the best

ways to live a fulfilling, great life.
Self-acceptance is not meant to be an excuse to avoid

working harder on yourself. Rather, it is meant to make sure
that you don’t let your “flaws” be something that holds you
back. Self-acceptance relates to the actions of the present and
the past, not the future.
If you received an 85% on a math test, you SHOULD be

motivated to get a higher grade on your next test. That’s a
good thing.
But you can also ACCEPT that just because you got a 65%
doesn’t reflect in any way on yourself or your future. It
happened, and you accept that. You still love yourself. You still
are going to try harder on the next test, and you are going to
do what you can to make sure that you are finding new ways to
improve, but you still love yourself and you are not going to let
that test score define you.
It’s the same thing socially. When you do socialize with

people and you make a mistake, you don’t have to pretend like
the mistake didn’t happen. You just have to accept that it
happened, make sure you don’t let it define you, and then
figure out what you can do better next time.
Working On Self-Acceptance

:: 68 ::
When you learn to accept yourself, you learn to embrace

the positives and know that the negatives are only temporary,
or something that doesn’t have to reflect poorly on you. You
can still grow. You can still learn from mistakes. But you can
also learn that it’s okay to make mistakes, have flaws, or
struggle. It’s just a part of the process of learning to be the
best possible you.
Step 6: Growing Your Story
Earlier we talked about the idea of boosting your own value,

and how this can help you socially. But it’s also something that
can help you personally.
The irony of living with SSA is that those with shyness and
social anxiety tend to be more focused on others than
themselves. In some cases, their entire life may revolve around
wishing they were with others more, or wishing that they could
do a better job talking to people.
In other words, often times those with SSA are living for
others, not living for themselves.
That’s why an important part of overcoming the anxiety you

have talking to other people is to focus on the things that make
you a better friend to yourself.
We call this “growing your own story” because when you

have experiences for yourself, you actually make yourself a

:: 69 ::
more interesting person to others. You give yourself a story.

When we discussed the idea of value, we talked about what
you can add to someone else’s life that they don’t already
have. That comes from starting a relationship with yourself.
Some examples include:
Vacations
Hobbies
Interests (Politics, War Movies, Plays, etc.)
Skills (Cooking, Sports, etc.)
These are all things that you can engage in right now with
minimal effort. They are something you can do with or without
other people, and they are – or should be – things that you do
for yourself.
Again, the key is to gain some independence. While some of

these activities can be completed alone in the comfort of your
own home, others may require that you do them with other
people.
But the purpose of this is to love yourself and not have that
depend on other people. That means you shouldn’t be joining
something hoping to make friends out of it. If you find that the
only reason you are doing it is because you are hoping that you

:: 70 ::
make friends or start a relationship, then you are not doing it

for the right reasons and it’s not going to work.
Make a list of the things you have always wanted to do for

yourself. Then go do them. Make it a rule that when you do
them, you are not going to make it about socializing. In fact,
you should be making an effort to promise yourself that you
are not going to use it as a way to try to make friends. If you
find that you meet someone that you think would be a potential
friend, you have to promise yourself that you are not going to
see that person.
Yes, that means you are going to have to be the one to

reject someone, and that’s okay.
This is about you. You’ll have many opportunities to meet

people in the future. But for now, you are on a date with
yourself, and you need to start building your story by exploring
those ideas and experiences that you always wanted to
explore.
Building your story gives you that value that you’ll

eventually need to make friends. It also gives you more
confidence in yourself, because you took the time to get to
know yourself better, which in turn will reduce your anxiety.
When you have these skills, accomplishments, hobbies, and
more, you have something that is bringing value to your life.
After you’ve developed more value to yourself, you’ll know that
you have that value when you talk to others as well.

:: 71 ::
Step 7: Learning to Be Stream of Conscious
Did you know that even your anxiety has friends? In fact,
your anxiety has a best friend, and that best friend is called
“thinking.”
The more you let your thoughts run wild, the more likely
they are to overthink and lead to more anxiety. You can
actually see this often in your conversations with others. How
often has something like this played out in your head?
Person: “Hi.”
You: “Hello.”
Person: “How are you?”
You:
You say nothing. Why? Because your mind is trying to

figure out what to say next.
Should I say “fine” or is fine too boring?
If I say “swell” will he think it’s funny?
Are they really asking or are they just being polite?
You were asked a simple question, and instead of just

answering, you let your mind wander to a bunch of different

:: 72 ::
thoughts. These thoughts cause your brain stress, and that

stress causes your anxiety to increase.
Those that struggle with SSA often find that they try too
hard to think of what to say, until eventually they say nothing
at all or the words sort of stumble out.
You have to teach yourself to just speak whatever you are

thinking and let yourself deal with the consequences later. Say
the first thing your brain wants to say. Yes, it may be
something silly or embarrassing, but that’s not something you
have to worry about yet. Instead, you need to start letting
yourself speak stream-of-conscious.
One of the strategies that works very well is to have a

positive answer to some common questions. For example, if
you are in a coffee shop, and the barista says “Hi! How are you
today?” You should respond with the same thing each time:
Something like: “Great! How are you?”
Side Note: You’ll be shocked how often this receives a

positive response. Most people in customer service don’t have
customers that ask them anything back.
Are you really “great?” Probably sometimes, but not always.

But this type of answer gives you something to say without
thinking too hard about it, and that can be very advantageous
for someone that is hoping to learn how to speak without
thinking.

:: 73 ::
Expect to stumble once in a while. Learning to speak

without thinking can be challenging. Often during the process
you are going to say things that make you sound weird to
someone else. That’s okay – you have never spoken stream of
conscious before, and chances are your “stream” isn’t ready for
conscious right away. When you are used to overthinking, your
mind expects you to overthink.
But over time you’ll start to learn how to speak well without
thinking too long about it. As long as you are ready to accept
some mistakes along the way, you’ll be able to have
conversations with people where you don’t have to figure out
what sentence you are going to say next. You’ll know on
instinct.
Step 8: Enjoy the Moment
When you have struggled with shyness and social anxiety

for a long time, it’s not uncommon to find that you are always
worried about what will happen from a situation and what will
come of it from the future. You spend time – sometimes
DURING THE CONVERSATION – where you can’t help but think
about whether or not you made a new friend, or if you are
going to say something that causes them to hate you, and
more.
When you are thinking that hard about the future, it means
that you are not there to enjoy the present. It can also lead to
a great deal of anxiety.

:: 74 ::
Instead, start to train yourself to enjoy the here and now.

Learn how to simply be okay with a conversation and just have
fun, rather than focus too much on what’s going to happen
next.
Let’s say you are a young man that is having trouble talking
to women. You want to go on dates, get their number, etc., but
every time you go up and talk to them you are worried about
what will happen. You are worried about the rejection, the
humiliation, the embarrassment, and the potential for disaster.
But what if you knew going into it that you would never be
able to see her again. That your conversation can’t lead
anywhere, and that all you can do is talk to her for 15 minutes
and then that’s it – she disappears, like Cinderella at midnight.
Wouldn’t that take a lot of the pressure off? Wouldn’t that

make it easier to not be so nervous about what happens,
knowing that you’ll never see her again anyway.
But even beyond that – don’t you think that would make
talking to her more fun for you, since you don’t have to worry
about anything coming from it?
Learning to Enjoy the Moment
That’s something you have to get used to doing when you

have anxiety. You have to be okay just enjoying yourself
without any intentions.

:: 75 ::
Ask yourself an honest question: when was the last time

you genuinely enjoyed a conversation with others? When was
the last time you just had fun?
Chances are it was a long, long time ago, if at all. Most of

those living with SSA struggle to have fun in nearly any social
situation, because they are unable to simply socialize and enjoy
themselves. When someone comes to talk to them, they
immediately worry about the consequences of the
conversation:
“Will this person like me?”
“Would I date this person?”
“What if this person rejects me?”
These thoughts shower your mind, leaving you soaking wet

with implications. But if you knew going into it that you could
never see that person again anyway, no matter the outcome,
you won’t have those same thoughts because it wouldn’t
matter. Nothing could happen anyway, good or bad.
In order to teach yourself to enjoy the moment, you have

to start talking to people with no outcome in mind. Talk to
members of the opposite sex and make it a goal never to see
them again. Say hi to people for no reason on the street and
keep walking without turning around. Go do things that are

:: 76 ::
very fun, and try to enjoy yourself regardless of who’s talking

around you or to you.
If you are able to focus less on the potential outcomes of

the conversation, and more on just having a good time, future
conversations will be a lot more enjoyable. When you are
having fun, you are going to be less anxious in future
conversations.
Step 9: Faking it to Make It
There is one thing that you can do that is very powerful; a

strategy that can be hard for some, but invaluable for others.
Here’s something you probably didn’t know about your

brain: It’s possible to trick it.
There is a strange phenomenon about the human brain.

Even though you struggle with anxiety, the brain actually hates
to be stressed. When it doesn’t understand something, it can
sometimes change the way it thinks and feels in order to
understand the world better and reduce the stress that it’s
experiencing.
You can use that to your advantage.
You Are the Star of a Play About Self-Confidence
You may not be feeling confident or social. You may not be

feeling very positive or upbeat about your social life. But the

:: 77 ::
question is – if someone asked you to be in a play about being

social, where you had to play the role of someone that is great
in social situations, do you think you’d be able to act like
someone that is social? Would you be able to mock and mimic
their mannerisms and conversational styles?
Considering how much time you have likely spent observing

others, chances are the answer is yes. You could probably fake
what it’s like to be a confident, socially skilled person. It
wouldn’t be real. It would be acting. But you could do it,
because you know how confident and socially skilled people act
in public.
One tool that you can use to try to combat anxiety is to do

just that – pretend to be someone that is upbeat and socially
skilled. Fake it completely. Mock it (in a nice way, of course).
Act as if you are in a play, playing the role of someone that is
great socially.
Why Faking it Works
This may seem like a crazy idea. But it is actually very

effective. That is because pretending to be someone you are
not does something very weird to the brain.
When you pretend to be a confident person, your mind

notices. It looks at how you are doing and how you are acting
and wonders why you are so confident, even though you are
someone that has struggled with confidence in the past. Your

:: 78 ::
brain, in many ways, gets confused. It doesn’t understand why

you are acting different from who you are.
Your brain doesn’t like being confused. So what it does is it

changes the way you feel so that you feel like the person
you are pretending to be.
This isn’t a new phenomenon either. Many deeply involved

actors have struggled with this. Several actors that have played
the part of someone that is depressed, or someone that is a
drug addict, have actually become depressed or drug addicts as
a result. They faked it so hard and so well that they tricked
their brains into thinking that was who they really were.
You would be using this to your advantage.
Now, you would have to commit to it. You can’t simply

pretend for one day and then expect yourself to feel better. It
has to be something you do for a very long time in a variety of
common situations. Remember that example above about
answering someone at the coffee shop with “Great! How are
you?”
You can respond similarly to other questions that they ask

in the way that someone with a lot of confidence would. You
basically pretend to be them.

:: 79 ::
Your brain will get confused and wonder why you are acting
that way. Then it will decide that that must be who you are and
it will adjust your personality to match.
Faking it also has several additional advantages:
It Practices Social Skills – When you are faking it, the way
you are acting isn’t real. But someday you are going to be a
socially skilled person. Then what? Faking social skills gives you
some experience with social skills, so that when you are less
anxious in the future and you are socializing for real, you find
that you have a bit more experience than you used to have.
It Can Help You Enjoy the Moment – Faking it isn’t exactly

your “real self.” That means that it’s not something you are
doing to make new friends or start a relationship. After all, it’s
not even the real you. Instead, it’s a fun little homework
assignment that allows you to stop worrying so much about
what can come from the social situation. It gives you that little
boost that can help you realize that socializing can be more
enjoyable than you thought.
It’s Positive – You should not be faking it in a cynical way,

of course. You have to be faking it like you are pretending to be
a genuinely social person. Once you’ve done that, you’ll find
that it’s a nice, positive experience. We all need more positive
experiences in our lives, and more opportunities to be positive
with others. Positivity helps combat anxiety, since negativity is
all too common when you live with SSA.

:: 80 ::
Indeed, if you really stick with it and have fun with it,
someday it will also make a great story about how you
eventually overcame your SSA. “I had a hard time talking to
people for a long time in my life, so one day I read a book that
said I should fake it. I faked it for 3 months and then somehow
got used to it and now I have no problems talking to people.”
That’s a cool, fun story that you can keep for yourself.
Faking it can be challenging, but those that stick with it

learn a lot about themselves and how to socialize in ways that
are invaluable, and may even trick their brain into making
them more social as well.
Step 10: Embrace What You Do Have
The final step to changing your mindset and reducing your

anxiety is one that takes a step backwards. If you have any
friends or family in your life, take the time to really get close to
them. If you have a friend, treat them like a best friend and
have a great time getting close to them. If you have family in
your life that you love, spend time with them, bond with them,
and make sure that you’re both giving it your all and letting
them give their love to you.
The reason for this is scientific and anecdotal. Scientifically,

studies have shown that those that have a lot of social support
in their lives are more confident. That makes a lot of sense as
well – if you have a best friend that loves you (and that you
love), or family that you’re really close to, then knowing that

:: 81 ::
they love you and care for you is a great way to always feel like
everything is going to be okay.
It also is simply something that is just nice to do. Those

with SSA spend so much time focusing on those that are not in
their lives that sometimes they have a hard time appreciating
those that are. If you want to have less anxiety in social
situations, don’t just focus on the people you want in your life.
Focus on those that are already there.
Chances are you’ll find that the more you bond and the
closer you get, the less you feel like you “need” anyone else in
your life. And once you stop feeling like you “need” others,
you’ll start to realize that there was never a need to feel
inferior at all.

:: 82 ::
Conclusion –
Breaking Free
From Shyness and
Social Anxiety

:: 83 ::
Congratulations. You have finished an important guide and

learned the tools and techniques necessary to make sure that
you’re able to overcome your shyness and social anxiety once
and for all. You’ve done what many others have been unable to
do. You’ve sought out help, and you’ve learned a variety of
valuable tools that are all there to improve your ability to
interact socially, change your mindset, and start combatting
the anxiety that you have in social situations.
The Next Step is You
Now that you know all about how to perform exposure

therapy on yourself correctly, and how to change your mindset
when it comes to your anxiety, the next step is up to you.
These are going to take commitment. They’re going to take

practice. They’re also going to have many ups and downs. If
socializing were easy, and something that could just happen
overnight, then no one would have social anxiety at all. They
would just wake up and suddenly it would be gone.
No, it takes commitment. It takes you being willing to take

the time to perform exposure therapy the right way, and to
read and re-read all of the strategies for changing your mindset
so that you can break free from some of the negative thoughts
and challenges that you were struggling with.
Incremental Changes Lead to Big Gains

:: 84 ::
Throughout the process, you’re going to find that you’re

starting to see little changes in your confidence levels and
socialization abilities. You’re going to find that you have an
easier time talking than you did before, or you feel less anxious
in some situations you had before.
Grow on those. Make note of those changes you’ve seen in

yourself and keep moving forward, taking more risk and
learning how to be comfortable with your own skin and your
own abilities.
Don’t Let Setbacks Hold You Back
Along the way, make sure you remember that setbacks are
just a part of the process. Many people that overcome their
SSA will still have a time when they go to a party or they go
out in public and suddenly, for no reason at all, it comes back.
It’s not clear why. It just happens. And that’s okay.

Setbacks happen. But don’t let them stop you from continuing
your journey forward. Remember that setbacks are just your
anxiety making sure that you’re really safe. Over time, the
setbacks will become fewer and far between. You’ll start to
notice that you’re not having them that often, or that they’re
less severe, and as you continue to move forward the benefits
will start to become more and more apparent, and the process
will continue to work.
Get Started On Your Social Journey

:: 85 ::
It’s time to take what you’ve learned and start addressing

your social anxiety today. Read through the book again, create
your action plan, and start on your social journey. We hope you
have a great time along the way.

Social Anxiety Cure

Uploaded by

Document Information

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Social Anxiety Cure

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

:: 1 ::

The Social Anxiety Cure

Part 1: Introduction to Curing Your Shyness .................................. 3

Conclusion – Breaking Free From Shyness and Social Anxiety ...... 82

The Social Anxiety Cure

The Social Anxiety Cure

What if you didn’t have to suffer from shyness anymore?

Within this book are the secrets to overcoming shyness and

What Makes Our Approach Different

Most experts in the field of psychology and sociology focus

How do you interact with others?

What do you do to control your anxiety in social situations?

Why are you so uncomfortable in the first place and what

When someone with high levels of shyness goes out and

The Social Anxiety Cure

it can become even harder for them to combat their shyness

Within this guide, you’ll learn some of the secrets to

What to Take From This Book

You will soon learn all of the important and effective

Reading a book alone will not help you overcome your

Overcoming Shyness is Possible: You Just Have to Be

The Social Anxiety Cure

By starting this book, you’ve already taken an important

But as long as you stick with it – as long as you genuinely

Understanding Shyness and Social Anxiety is the Key

Shyness and social anxiety are the same issue with

The Social Anxiety Cure

The science of SSA is complicated. They say that social

Interactions and experiences from youth to adulthood.

Tendency towards fear and anxiety.

Observations from parents and friends.

Social support and opportunities for long lasting friendships.

General feelings of self-confidence and self-esteem, and

So while people sometimes refer to SSA as a disease, or an

SSA is far more of a learned behavior. It is a reaction to

And that’s key.

The Social Anxiety Cure

The first step to defeating social anxiety is to remember

SSA is simply a more complicated version of that. Unlike a

It is self-sustaining, certainly. But then again so are all

The key is to identify each one of these issues, then

SSA Often Comes From a Fear of Disapproval

Though it is not the only issue associated with SSA, the

The Social Anxiety Cure

disapproving of them. They are worried that they will

It is because of this fear that those struggling with SSA

Even though many of those with SSA want to be able to

The Social Anxiety Cure

because those are people that they know, instinctually, do not

SSA is Related to Survival

This inherent need to avoid situations that cause fear is

Social situations may not be dangerous, but our bodies are

The second reason is because people are social animals. In

SSA and Social Learning

The Social Anxiety Cure

But while there are many reasons to believe that through

Even before you understood words as an infant, you

That is why SSA is so strongly associated with social

Through every single interaction you had from the moment

For some people, what they learned was to be confident,

But not everyone was so lucky, and some people developed

The Social Anxiety Cure

Once You’ve Started Struggling with SSA, Combatting

As we mentioned, SSA is also self-sustaining, and that is