Vayechi

Amanda Gorman, the presiden al inaugural poet who stunned the world with her
radiant brilliance in January 2021, is back. She has just released a new book of poetry,
Call Us What We Carry.1 It is raw tes mony, rendered in searing images and gorgeous
words. It is a call to ac on, beseeching us to “Always remember that/What happened to
us/Happened through us.”2 And it is prayer, beckoning us back to life.

The breakage is where we begin.

The rupture is for remembering.
That is to say,
Here is where we hold our hurt.
We inaugurate our dreams at the injury.
We consecrate at the cut.
Under a suture of sun,
We sense ourselves s r,
Slowly, sweetly,
As if for the rst me.
This nearly tore us apart.
Yes, indeed.
It tears us to start.3

What a s rring phrase. That which “nearly tore us apart…tears us to start.” How might
we begin again? How might we sit with the cuts and injuries of the past year and
consecrate them?

I cannot help but think of Joseph in this context, whose torn coat of many colors tore
apart his father. “‫”טָֹר֥ף טַֹר֖ף יֹוסֵֽף‬--Joseph was torn by a beast! (Genesis 37:33). And how
decades later, Jacob is faced with the possibility of star ng over. And indeed he does.

1 Amanda Gorman, Call Us What We Carry (New York: Viking, 2021).

2 From “Hephaestus,” p. 49.

3 From “Augury or The Birds,” p. 176.

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 ***

Toward the end of last week's por on, Vayigash, Jacob, a new arrival in the land of
Egypt, is brought before Pharaoh by Joseph. The exchange is cordial, if sad.

‫וַּיֹ֥אמֶר ּפְַרעֹ֖ה אֶֽל־יַעֲֹק֑ב ּכַּמָ֕ה יְמֵ֖י ׁשְנֵ֥י חַּיֶֽיָ׃ וַּיֹ֤אמֶר יַעֲֹקב֙ אֶל־ּפְַרעֹ֔ה יְמֵי֙ ׁשְנֵ֣י מְגּוַר֔י ׁשְֹלׁשִ֥ים‬
‫ּומְאַ֖ת ׁשָנָ֑ה מְעַ֣ט וְָרעִ֗ים הָיּו֙ יְמֵי֙ ׁשְנֵ֣י חַּיַ֔י וְֹל֣א הִּׂשִ֗יגּו אֶת־יְמֵי֙ ׁשְנֵי֙ חַּיֵ֣י אֲבֹתַ֔י ּבִימֵ֖י מְגּוֵריהֶֽם׃‬
(‫ט‬-‫ ח‬:‫)בראשית מז‬

And Pharaoh said to Jacob, "How many are the days of the years of your life?"
And Jacob said to Pharaoh, "The days of the years of my sojournings [megurai]
are one hundred thirty years. The days of the years of my life have been few
and miserable, and they have not reached the days of the years of the lives of
my forefathers in the days of their sojournings." (Genesis 47:8-9)

In response to a seeming formality, Jacob reveals a devasta ng and damning assessment

of his en re life. It's all been bad, he suggests, s ll reeling as he is from the trauma of
the Joseph saga.

Finding Home Out of Home

Rashi o ers a subtle insight into the nature of Jacob’s su ering. Focusing on the word
"megurai" (translated as 'sojournings'), he sees an in ma on of a perpetual state of
gerut. He writes:

:‫ יְמֵי גֵרּותִי; ּכָל יָמַי הָיִיתִי ּגֵר ּבָאֶָרץ‬.‫שני מגורי‬

The years of my sojourning–means the days of my being a stranger (ger). All my

days I have been a stranger in other peoples’ lands. (Rashi, ad loc)

Jacob's experience thus far--whether due to his exile from his ancestral home, his
maltreatment during his stay with Lavan, his loss of Rachel and then Joseph--was one of
being unse led, uncomfortable, not at ease. Like a stranger, a ger, he felt himself to be
on the margins of every environment that he inhabited, never fully at home, never fully
at rest.4

In this week's parsha, Vayechi, the stranger nally nds a way back from aliena on.

4See the essay in this series on the por on of Vayishlach for a fuller account of Jacob’s gerut, or stranger-
ness.

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 ‫וַיְחִ֤י יַעֲֹקב֙ ּבְאֶֶ֣רץ מִצְַר֔יִם ׁשְבַ֥ע עֶׂשְֵר֖ה ׁשָנָ֑ה וַיְהִ֤י יְמֵֽי־יַעֲֹקב֙ ׁשְנֵ֣י חַּיָ֔יו ׁשֶ֣בַע ׁשָנִ֔ים וְאְַרּבָעִ֥ים‬
(‫כט‬-‫כח‬:‫ )בראשית מז‬.…‫ּומְאַ֖ת ׁשָנָֽה׃ וַּיְִקְרבּ֣ו יְמֵֽי־יִׂשְָראֵל֮ לָמּות֒ וַּיְִקָר֣א ׀ לִבְנֹ֣ו לְיֹוסֵ֗ף‬

And Jacob lived [emphasis added] in the land of Egypt for seventeen years,
and Jacob's days, the years of his life, were a hundred and forty seven years.
When the me drew near for Israel to die, he called his son Joseph….(Genesis
47:28-29)

On the precipice of his death, we learn something about the la er parts of Jacob's life.
During that precious me period of seventeen years in Egypt--seventeen years of family
reuni ca on, seventeen years of roots and growth (see Genesis 47:27)--something
surprising happened. It seems that Jacob learned how to actually live, lichyot.

Commentators point out the unique use of the word "vayechi" here and see within it a
swell of life (chayim) that overtook those many years that sapped life. In the words of
Rebbe Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin (1823-1900):

,‫ )פרי צדיק‬.‫כי השבע עשרה שנה שהיה במצרים החיה גם אותם השנים שעברו עליו‬
(‫ויחי‬

The seventeen years that [Jacob] spent in Egypt enlivened even those years
already past. (Pri Tzadik, VaYechi)

In the company of his full family, in a land not his own that became his own, Jacob found
a way, or the will, to let go of his painful wanderings and to give life back to his life, so to
speak. He took hold of the years that were le and endowed them with a renewed
energy.

Aliena on as Integra on
The Sefat Emet o ers one interpreta on of how he did that.

'‫אא"ז מו"ר זצלה"ה הגיד ויחי יעקב בא"מ כי ע"י בחי' אמת יכולין לחיות גם בא"מ וכ‬
‫ ומשמע דעיקר הרבותא מה‬.‫ דהנה לא הל"ל רק ויהי יעקב בא"מ‬.‫תתן אמת ליעקב עכ"ד‬
‫שהי' בבחי' חיים גם בא"מ ופי' חיים הוא דביקות בשורש ומקור שמשם נמשך תמיד‬
‫ וכ' במדרש גרים אנחנו כו' כי כל בריאת‬. . . .‫ וכ"כ בזוה"ק ויגש ע"פ ותחי רוח יעקב‬.‫חיות‬
‫ רק להיפוך שע"י דביקות האדם בעיקר‬.‫אדם בעוה"ז לא הי' כדי להידבק ח"ו בעוה"ז‬
‫ שגם מה שנק' גר מי שמגייר‬.‫ וגר לשון מעלה גרה‬.‫החיות מתמשך גם עניני עוה"ז לה"י‬
‫ וכן ענין גלות מצרים‬.‫ שמוציא נקודה קדושה שהי' נטבע באומות‬.‫ ג"כ על שם זה‬. ‫עצמו‬
‫)שפת‬. . .‫שכ' גר יהיה זרעך כו' ג"כ הפי' להוציא נ"ק ]נקודות קדושות[ שנטבעו במצריים‬
(‫ פרשת ויחי תרל"א‬,‫אמת‬

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 My master, my grandfather, my teacher, my rabbi of blessed memory [R.
Yitzchak Meir Alter] said [on the verse] “And Jacob lived [seventeen years] in
the land of Egypt…” (Gen 47:28) that on account of truthfulness one can live
even in the land of Egypt, and [of Jacob] it is said, “You will give truth to Jacob”
(Micah 7:20). Behold the Torah could have said "And Jacob was in
Egypt..." [instead of what it does say, which is, "And Jacob lived in the land of
Egypt"]. It seems that the essence of this speci c addi on [of the word “lived”]
is the aspect of life that was possible [for Jacob] even in the land of Egypt. The
meaning of "life" is cleaving to the Root and Source from which one always
draws vitality (chiyut). So it says in the holy Zohar on the por on of Vayigash
on the verse, “the spirit of their father Jacob revived (‫( ”)ותחי‬Gen. 45.27)....

It says in the midrash on [the verse from I Chronicles 29:15] "We are
strangers" that the crea on of the human being in this world was not to cleave
to this world alone, God forbid. But rather, through cleaving to the essence of
vitality, this world will be drawn toward the Divine. The word ger is related to
"maaleh gera" [a term that refers to an animal that chews its cud, bringing up
its food more than once]. A person who is called a ger (a convert) is also one
who brings up, who elevates, him/herself. The ger nds a point of holiness
that was lodged among the na ons [and brings it to the Jewish people]. This
also relates to the exile in Egypt about which it is said, "For your children will
be strangers etc." [Genesis 15:13], for the meaning of this was to extract the
points of holiness that were lodged in Egypt. (Sefat Emet, Vayechi 1870)

Echoing Rashi's earlier understanding of the source of Jacob’s pain in his gerut, the Sefat
Emet roots his redemp on (and ours) there too. But he does so by reframing the core
meaning of gerut altogether, shi ing it away from aliena on toward holy integra on. To
him, the ger (alternately translated as sojourner, stranger, convert) is not the
quintessen al outsider, but is rather the paradigm of the learned insider. She or he is
one who ruminates and elevates; who traverses boundaries to bolster the strength of
the founda ons; who seeks to fully live in this world in order to uncover its holy rela on
to the next.

This is the chiyut, the "lifefullness," that Jacob found in Egypt. Inextricably a ached to
the Source of his being, he consciously became a ger, a stranger in a strange land and
rendered it strange no more. Egypt too could be a place for God and for ul mate
redemp on, as it had been the locus of his family's redemp on. And so he got to work
revealing just that, drawing out tastes of the world to come in and through his satura on
in the here and now. Instead of aliena ng him from life, this self-conscious gerut became
the tool he needed to nally learn how to truly live, lichyot.

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 As the book of Genesis ends and we head toward the book of Exodus, the book which
details Jewish cap vity in Egypt, we ought to consider the possibility that the curse
which brought us there--"ki ger yehiyeh zarecha..."5--also endowed us with a spiritual
charge in perpetuity: to learn how to be gerim so that we too might learn to live with
awareness and sacred vitality wherever we might nd ourselves. Even in Egypt
(mitzrayim). Even in narrow places (metzarim).

***

As 2021 winds down, I wonder how I might learn to live, lichyot, again. A er a year that
saw insurrec on and contested elec on, variants and vaccines, breakthrough infec ons
and breakthrough discoveries, loss of life, loss of stability, climate anxiety and so much
more, it is hard to “maaleh gerah,” to elevate the strangeness of it all. But Jacob o ers a
way back. Cleave to truth. Cleave to in ma ons of the sublime in the midst of the
disorien ng mess. Find the “nekudot kedushot,” the points of holiness within and
without, and amplify them. Li them up, so that they might li us up too.

This nearly tore us apart.

Yes, indeed.
It tears us to start

Bifnim/Personal Re ec ons
1. Jacob’s ini al answer to Pharaoh suggests that he is merely living, but not full of
life. Yet the commentators suggest that vayechi in mates that he found a deeper
sense of “lifefulness.” In your own experience, do you nd this dis nc on,
between merely “being alive” and being “full of life,” a meaningful one? If so,
why? If not, why not?
2. Can you think of a moment in your own life when you have experienced a deep
sense of vitality? If yes, what did it feel like? What contributed to your ability to
enter that state? If not, what do you imagine inhabi ng such a state might feel
like?
3. What, if anything, helps you to go beyond merely surviving to being animated by
chiyut, life-force--not just at peak moments, but in your day-to-day life? What, if
anything, do you nd impedes or blocks your capacity to do so?

B’Avodah/Prac ce-Rabbi Myriam Klotz

How do you know when you feel full of life, and when you don’t? What does it mean for
you to feel lled with life and connected to the Source of Life, owing through you like
“mayyim chayim”, living waters? This is a central ques on we re ect on this week as we

5Genesis 15:13: “And [the Lord] said to Abram, “Know well that your o spring shall be strangers in a land
not theirs, and they shall be enslaved and oppressed four hundred years.”
" ‫"וּיֹ֣אמֶר לְאַבְָר֗ם יָֹד֨עַ ּתֵַד֜ע ּכִי־גֵ֣ר ׀ יִהְיֶ֣ה זְַרעֲָ֗ ּבְאֶֶ֙רץ֙ ֹל֣א לָהֶ֔ם וַעֲבָדּ֖ום וְעִּנּ֣ו אֹתָ֑ם אְַרּבַ֥ע מֵאֹ֖ות ׁשָנָֽה׃‬

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 learn of Jacob’s return to a state of “living” a er years of numbed, trauma zed and
fractured existence. As Jacob is reunited with his son Joseph and, even in a foreign land
and even a er he has experienced deep splits within his family and his own self, he
demonstrates the capacity to heal, nd integra on, and to li up the vital aliveness that
brings fullness and ow where numbness and rupture had been before.

Our prac ce this week will engage the process of discernment, a way of orien ng to
one’s life that centers a en on upon the very quality of vital aliveness that our study
invites us to re ect upon this week. To prac ce discernment is to listen for what moves
you to touch and experience a kind of qualita ve aliveness that feels connected to the
root or source of your being. And by contrast, to pay a en on to when you feel farther
away from that aliveness. This could be experienced as less joy, less feeling, perhaps less
ease and more distance from what animates you to feel that you are engaging in your
life in your fullness.

To prac ce discernment you don’t have to be in the midst of making a big decision about
something in your life. Discernment some mes does look like deciding between one big
choice or another. For example, decisions involving employment, rela onships, or
where to live can be very concrete and with discrete edges. In last week’s Torah por on,
Jacob decides to go down to Egypt to see his son Joseph with his own eyes. What would
have happened had Jacob decided to not make that journey? This was a moment of
discernment that involved a big decision.

In deciding to go, he was paradoxically moving farther away from his physical home but
moving closer to where his deepest urges for life and rela onship lived. Discernment
some mes manifests in clear decisions in which we choose one thing instead of another,
and they can take us closer to our sense of aliveness, alignment and full engagement. In
the Sefat Emet’s language, we nd the “nekudot kedoshot”, the points of holiness within
and without, and li them up even amidst chao c and unlikely circumstances.

Discernment, however, is not always a prac ce that looks like discrete decision-making.
Discernment is an ongoing way of being in which we incline our ears to listen for what
s rs our hearts and souls to authen cally feel more joyful, alive, and in connec on with
the deep movements of our interior lives. In other words, it is not always about the
doing. It is a prac ce of living in rela onship with that life force, those “nekudot
kedoshot”, within. When we are able to discern more clearly how it feels within our
bodies, hearts, minds and souls when we are a uning to this aliveness, and how it feels
when we are not, we are then be er prepared when the moments arise when we need
to make a decision.

This week, then, we are invited to prac ce discernment in our daily lives. One way to
help strengthen the inner “muscle” of discernment—to be able to sense when you are
moving closer to that fullness of owing life energy, and when you are moving farther

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 away from it—is to journal. Set aside 20-30 minutes (or 5 minutes if that’s what you
have) several mes this week, for you and your journal.

If there is a situa on or rela onship in your life that you are unsure or con icted about,
or perhaps something that feels unse led or unknown, name that situa on as honestly
and concretely as you can as you write it down. Then, explore moving towards it in
some way, and what that movement s rs in you.

Do you feel inner shi s that are closer to, or father from, a felt sense of joy, or a kind of
inner YES? How does NO feel in your body? In your heart, in your mind? Get curious
about these movements as you journal about them. Get to know them as you explore
through wri ng.

The goal of this prac ce this week isn’t to make a concrete decision about the situa on
you are wri ng about (though if clarity about a decision comes to you, that’s ok!).
Rather, the inten on is to become more familiar with how you experience the various
interior movements that you recognize as the increased ow of vital aliveness, or the
diminished ow of that sense.

The manifesta on of our rela onship to this vital force and its movement pa erns
within us will be di erent for each of us. As unique as a “soul print” or a thumb print. If
you are able to journal a few mes this week, and bring a di erent circumstance or even
the same one to invite discernment with, you might no ce you have deepened a sense
of in macy or familiarity with these inner movements. On the one hand, this vitality
owing in fullness is already implanted within us, so there is nothing we need to do.
Yet, because we can all too o en feel ourselves to be at a distance from this underlying
life force, inten onal prac ce to return to alignment with this owing spring of
awareness and vitality can make all the di erence.

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