39 Roads of Death

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/45381532.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: Formula 1 RPF
Relationship: Lewis Hamilton/Max Verstappen
Character: Max Verstappen, Lewis Hamilton (Formula 1 RPF), Jos Verstappen
Additional Tags: Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, Verbal Abuse, Lewis needs a hug, Max
is hurt, Suicidal Thoughts, Storm - Freeform, english is not my first
language
Language: English
Series: Part 1 of abnormal gravity
Collections: Anonymous
Stats: Published: 2023-02-27 Words: 691 Chapters: 1/1

39 Roads of Death
by Anonymous

Summary

There is a moment when you see something that stays in your memory forever. Something
that is not important or stupid to any other person, but to you it is significant and stays
somewhere in the unconscious to come back to you in time when you least expect it.
That one memory is also the reason for any other. It is the reason why death came here in
39 different ways.

There is a moment when you see something that stays in your memory forever. Something that is
not important or stupid to any other person, but to you it is significant and stays somewhere in the
unconscious to come back to you in time when you least expect it. That one memory is also the
reason for any other. It is the reason why death came here in 39 different ways.

The storm, raging outside the window, was not as frightening as my own thoughts. Sitting on the
parapet of the hotel window, life seemed more dangerous than the violent weather that was
breaking the nearby trees. I only wished I could think about his beautiful eyes, but that vision was
interrupted by that of my own father. His indifferent expression, his clenched fist and his words of
contempt and maybe even of disappointment. I could still feel his fists all over me, I could still see
the marks they left behind. It didn't feel the same as the first time, though. Too many years had
passed by for it to make a real difference to me. I knew I deserved it. I was not the perfect son, I
was insignificant, and I owed all I achieved to him. Sometimes I feel that if I just disappeared then
no one would probably even notice. I was not worthy to be loved by my father or by anyone at all.
Yet people kept caring about me. Maybe they simply feel sorry for me. I was never worthy of
having those brown eyes looking at me in a way different from any other. And yet, I never saw
contempt in them, not even when we were both angry and aiming for one goal by hurting one
another in every possible way. His eyes were curious and had a sparkle inside that no one was
looking at me with.

"You don't deserve someone like that.... You are not "it"... You disappoint me on every step. Get
over yourself and stop imagining impossible things. I know you and I see the way you look at him -
quit it or I won't be the only one to start noticing. I didn't raise you to be such a pathetic person."

Apparently, his educational methods were not effective. The storm outside the window escalated,
and I hoped it would last for ages. I could have stayed alone in the hotel room, and he was on the
other side of the world, as he disappeared a few hours after the race without having even said
goodbye.

I began to imagine all being destroyed by the storms, and I would no longer have to watch the
world, nor the world would me. A quiet knock interrupted my thoughts. I did not want to open it, I
had no reason to. Most people had flown out before the rain could arrive. The only person who
stayed with me was my coach, but he too had gone to bed a few hours ago. Why would he come in
the middle of the night, as I told him that I was going to sleep.

“Max! It’s me” sounded a muffled voice that I did not expect. “Open the door…”

Why did he come? To laugh at my race? Did he hate me to the point that he wanted to point out my
mistakes right into my face? He came too late. My father explained everything to me, in the only
way I could understand. Why did I open it? I do not know. What I saw caught me off guard. He
was scared, his eyes red, and his whole body trembled whenever thunder was heard. He was
terrified. He was afraid of this beautiful destructive weather. And he came to me? He exposed his
fears to the enemy. I let him in. He rapidly cuddled his shaking body into mine. I was paralyzed, no
one had ever done it like this before. No one had ever shown me their true feelings before.

And maybe it was the first time in my entire life when I felt something other than pain, sadness or
anger.

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