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Ally McBeal S01E03 - The Affair
Ally McBeal S01E03 - The Affair
The Affair
Ally: It's a what?
Elaine: A face bra. Next to aging and sun exposure, jogging is one of the leading causes of
wrinkles. The up-and-down motion breaks down the skin's elasticity. This holds the face in place.
Ally: Elaine, you look like Hannibal Lecter.
Elaine: I may look silly, but this thing could be a gold mine. Ally, we could get a patent, and do an
infomercial. I'm telling this is my best invention yet.
Ally: Even if we do get rich off of this, don't you think it would be embarrassing to tell people
how we made our money?
Richard: There's no embarrassing way to make money. What's with the jockstrap? Somebody lay
a trap?
Elaine: It's a face bra. I invented it. I plan to get a patent.
Richard: Run. Don't walk. I need to talk to you in private, Ally.
Chapter 2
Ronny: So I thought we could drive up to Maine. The foliage is supposed to be peaking. And, uh,
this friend of mine has this great place in Camden.
Ally: That sounds great. Good.
Ally: Married?
Professor Dawson: Ally, you obviously knew this.
Ally: Well, I, uh, you said the marriage was over.
Ally: Of course I knew he was married. I just didn't wanna face it. I couldn't... I didn't... I couldn't
think of myself as a home-wrecker. And I couldn't bear to think of him being in the same bed as...
Billy: So then what?
Ally: I broke it off immediately, about five months later.
Billy: Ally... Did he have kids?
Ally: Of course not. He... Only two little ones. Wasn't that bad what I did. I was in a monogamous
relationship. I wasn't betraying anybody. You're just letting me talk because you know hearing
my words is punishment enough. I know what you're doing. Oh God. How am I gonna be a
pallbearer? They want me to carry his body which brings up my whole, you know, my death
phobia. And I'll have to deal with that, too. I gotta carry something dead in a box. It's like on the
same day I got to deal with two sure things in life: death and adultery. Stop letting me talk.
Chapter 3
Elaine: You see? When you jog, the face goes up and down.
Ronny: I don't really invest in infomercials. You think she's okay?
Elaine : Oh, sure she's fine. In fact, she's always a little tickled by drama. In time, she'll look back
at this day and want to relive it.
Georgia: Hey.
Ronny: Hi.
Georgia: Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, it's not a good time, Georgia. Ally's in there having an upset.
Georgia: What now?
Elaine: A dead professor.
Mrs Dawson: Excuse me. I'm looking for Ally McBeal.
Elaine: I see. And you would be?
Mrs Dawson: The dead professor's wife.
Elaine: Oh. Excuse my bluntness. It is a device that I use to cope. Let me go get her for you. And
I am very sorry for your loss.
Mrs Dawson: Thank you.
Billy's assistant: Doors closed.
Elaine: They have knobs.
Elaine: Billy, I have Georgia waiting for you. And, Ally, Professor Dawson's wife is here.
Ally: What?
Elaine: She'd like to meet with you.
Ally: Well, what, does she know I'm in here?
Elaine: Yes, I told her I would get you.
Ally: Okay. Tell her I'll be right there.
Elaine: Absolutely.
Chapter 4
Ally: Billy, I really have to think hard to even remember him as a professor.
Billy: You never mentioned him before.
Ally: Well, yeah, yeah, because I couldn't even admit it to myself. I haven't even told Renee yet. I
haven't told anybody and... Oh, God. Oh, God, please, you cannot tell a soul.
Billy: I won't.
Ally: Okay. I wouldn't even have told you except I really needed somebody to... Oh, God! How am
I going to do this? The guy is going to be lying there in a casket.
Billy: Just breathe deep, don't talk too fast and you'll get through it.
Ally: Okay.
Billy : Hey, uh, do you want me to come to this thing?
Ally : Would you?
Billy : I had him for Con Law. I guess I could pay my respects.
Ally: Oh...
Richard: All set for the big wake? Ah, Ally, come here. Tonight, try not to look at it as a negative.
Ally: Don't look at it as a negative.
Richard: A lot of his former students will be there. This will be like a class reunion. Instead of a
punchbowl, there is a coffin. But remember, reunions are meant to allow the more successful
graduates to inform the less successful that, that's what they are. Less than. You and I? We're
more than. Uh, especially me. I mean, I've got my own firm. I could possibly be the most. My, my
point is life is all about attitude and tonight is a night for you to feel good about yourself. Yeah.
That whole speech was a Fishism.
Ally: No doubt.
Richard: Hug to get started?
Chapter 5
Prof. Dawson: Do you... Do you know how long I've thought about doing that?
Chapter 6
Richard: I simply loved the man. The word is so overused these days but...
Mrs Dawson: Thank you for coming, Richard.
Richard: If not for him, I would not be where I'm right now.
Prof. Dawson: I have to stay with my family, Ally. I can't walk out on them.
Ally: Yeah, yeah. This is just a thing, James. It was a thing, I guess.
Prof. Dawson: No, Ally. You're the person I've always dreamed of all my life. I just didn't wait long
enough.
Chapter 7
Ally: You know, when you think about it, whoever I'll end up with, assuming I'm lucky enough to
end up with anybody, I cheated on him too.
Renee: How did you cheat on somebody you've never met?
Ally: Easy. Whoever I marry deserves somebody who puts a value on fidelity, obviously more than
I do.
Renee: If you didn't value it, you wouldn't beat yourself up about it.
Georgia: Hey.
Billy: That's too much sex, Georgia. I'm too old.
Georgia: Yeah, you felt old.
Billy: First, when we go to bed. Then you wake me up at 3 in the morning. And now again. What's
the matter?
Georgia: Statistically, most married couples make love 3.2 times a month. I just wanted to get
October over with.
Billy: No, really. What's the matter? Your libido sometimes goes lock-step with your insecurity. I
am not complaining. Part of me would like to keep you insecure forever. But only part of me.
Georgia: Maybe reading that Venus book again?
Billy: Maybe.
Chapter 8
Elaine: You have Katherine Dawson in your office. She wants to discuss the funeral.
Ally: Mine?
Elaine: She has been waiting since 8:30.
ALLY: (Okay. Lie. Just lie.)
Mrs Dawson: I've actually been hoping that I would meet you, for a long time.
Ally: Oh? Why?
Mrs Dawson: Because I never knew what happened. For me it was like this big black hole. And all
of a sudden, he wasn't there.
Prof. Dawson: It was a tragedy that I met you. I maybe had some chance of convincing myself
that I was happy with my wife. But meeting you, it's a tragedy.
Chapter 9
Ally: She knows.
Billy: She does?
Ally: She's waiting back there for me in my office.
Billy: Are you okay?
Ally: Yeah. Yeah. She's started to wonder whether she ever even really knew him. And I could tell
her that it was just sex because I think that would lessen the betrayal for her but...
Billy: But?
Ally: But I think she's looking to cling on to the idea that he was really a good man. Which he was.
And sex, I mean, is a cheap affair that cheapens him. I mean, I'm not sure she wouldn't rather
hear we were just in love because, as painful as it is, it doesn't destroy her idea of who she
thought he was. Does this make any sense?
Billy: What's the truth?
Ally: The truth? The truth is that he thinks the biggest tragedy of his life is not spending it with
me.
Billy: You can't tell her that, Ally. You cannot tell her that.
Elaine: And what it does is holds the skin in place. Next to aging and sun exposure, jogging...
Ally : Isn't this fabulous? You, you know, medical studies do show that jogging causes wrinkles
and, and, and, imagine, people run to preserve their youth, and it makes them look old. Terrible.
And, and, and, and if you treat this mask with a moisturizer, it, it could even be better.
Elaine : I never thought of that. Maybe Retin-A.
Mrs. Dawson : Elaine, will you excuse us for a minute?
Elaine : Um, certainly. Retin-A. I wonder if you could time-release that.
Prof. Dawson: I wish I could say it was just some midlife crisis.
Chapter 10
Vonda sings: Maybe I know that he's been cheating. Maybe I know that he's been untrue. But
what can I do
Georgia: Those things are so disgusting. They also can cause cancer. Why do you smoke them?
Richard: Because we look good doing it. They're expensive and people know it. Do you think
she'll plug the firm?
Billy : Sorry?
Richard : Ally, in the eulogy. Think she'll plug it?
Billy : Not right off.
Richard : Do you think she likes me? Not as a man but as a human being?
Billy : How could she not?
Richard : Well, sometimes I toss some jewel Fishisms her way. She just stares back with blanks.
Billy : Well, she gets thrown by profundity sometimes.
Richard: I'm gonna change my suit. Think we can all meet upstairs by half an hour? We all go
together?
BILLY: Good idea.
Vonda sings: Maybe I know that he's been cheating. Maybe I know that he's been untrue.
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Elaine : I stayed late on account of the funeral. I know how things can slip through the cracks
during times of wallow.
Ally : You're a godsend.
Elaine: Oh, Ally, I know how you hate to walk into your office and be surprised.
Ally: Who? The widow? Georgia?
Elaine: Cheanie.
Ally: You told him I was coming back?
Elaine: I did.
Ally: Ronny!
Ronny: Can we talk about it?
Ally: About what?
Ronny: Come on, Ally. Something's... You go behind closed doors with Billy, it may be innocent.
But all the ways for me to go into a relationship, being confused isn't my favorite. Are you two...?
Ally: No!
Ronny: Then what?
Ally: My third year of law school, I had an affair with the dead professor. And I was ??? conflicted
about the fact that I was the keynote speaker at his funeral. And the widow, she really needed
to know whether it was a sex thing or whether their love had completely dried up on the
marriage. And the truth seemed brutal, and I'm not a good liar. And so I've been going behind
closed doors with Billy to confess and get his advice.
Ronny: You had an affair with your professor?
Ally: I knew you were gonna get stuck on that. No, no, no, no. Did you not hear the rest of what
I said?
Ronny: Why didn't you come to me to confess or for advice?
Ally: I don't know. I just.. I just didn't think we were quite ready for that.
Ronny: Well... I think you're right.
ALLY: (I know that tone.)
Ronny: Look, I'm still interested. I still... I'm gonna change "overmatched" to just "over my head".
Ally: Ronny, the last few days have hardly been typical.
Ronny: Oh, but they have. The next high-wire act comes tomorrow. We just don't know what is
gonna be it. You know, even if I was mature enough to handle this Billy thing, I don't want to. I
don't want to be. I like being jealous, I like being possessive.
Ally: Ronny, just give me a couple more days. Can you at least do that?
Ronny: No. I realize it's probably my loss. But... There are just some victories I'm not equipped to
handle.
Chapter 13
Richard: Hey, Ronny! Hey, we're all going to a funeral. Join us. It will be fun.
Ronny: Rain check.
Richard: Is it Ally?
Elaine: He just dumped her.
Chapter 14
Minister: We tend to judge people by the last chapter. Like the defining part of a man's life is
where had he come to by the end. And it would be easy to do that here, wouldn't it? James
Dawson was a successful professor, a wonderfully loving father and husband. But don't do that.
Think of James yesterday as well as today. Think of what he might have been doing, say, 4 years
ago. There's a whole life there. He didn't just love his family. He loved others. It was once said to
me, "One true measure of a person is how much pain he or she causes others." Because it occurs
to me that one can cause pain, enormous pain, simply by leaving. We hurt because he's gone.
Before we continue on to our next hymn, we shall hear from one of James' former students. Ms.
Ally McBeal. Ms. McBeal?
Ally: What do I do?
Richard: Go.
Ally: How can I go?
Richard: Go.
Minsiter: Ms. McBeal? I'm terribly sorry, but Ms. McBeal has been canceled. They said she was
suddenly unavailable. Oh, it appears she is available. We'd be delighted.
Richard: Plug the firm.
Well, the thing about funerals... The guest of honor is always dead. And we hear people talk about
the deceased, and then we hear all these things that we never knew and we think, "Oh, I wish I
had known that." Or, "I wish I had known him better." Then we start to think, "Maybe that person
up there is just saying nice things because, of course, you have to. You can't be at a funeral and
say something not nice. You have to say something good no matter... You know, there's that
story about the terrible, awful man who died and nobody could think of anything nice to say
about him until finally somebody got up and said, "His brother was worse." That, that story
doesn't apply here, does it? And, but what my point is, is, is... (Lost.) this. You hear all the things
that we've heard about James Dawson and, um, they're all true. I mean, sometimes you think
you know a person, and then you're not sure, but with, with James, you, you really did know him.
And he, he, he is everything that the canned funeral book words say he is. Sorry. And he was all
the professor and the good soul and the charitable. He was everything that we're hearing, but
mostly, mostly he was a man hugely devoted to his family, his daughters, his wife. And I think in
the end that's how he would have liked it to be said. He, he loved his wife and kids more than life
itself. And that's something. A good father and a good husband, a good man and... We don't get
to say that very often about people these days, do we? And you thought you really knew him.
And you did.
Chapter 15
Mrs Dawson: Go with Granny and Grandpa. I'll meet you in the car.