Guidance

Discipline = Disciple
“Discipline comes from the
same root word as disciple
and implies patience and
teaching on our part.”

- Elder Lynn G. Robbins, What

Manner of Men and Women
Ought Ye to Be?, 2011
Disciple Discipline
Deuteronomy 6: • “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and
behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will
6 And these words, which I command
improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will
thee this day, shall be in thine heart:
improve behavior.”
7 And thou shalt teach them diligently
– President Boyd K. Packer, Little Children, 1986
unto thy children, and shalt talk of
them when thou sittest in thine
house, and when thou walkest by the • In Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn, the ultimate
way, and when thou liest down, and goal is to “work with” children rather than “do to” our
when thou risest up. children. Parenting is a co-collaborative work as

…Teach by the way you live. parents work with children in helping them discover
tools for emotional resilience.
Preparing for the Storm
- Relationships first (attachment)
Ex. Know each other’s warning signs

- Unmet Needs
Ex. Brother Allen’s recent BYU-I Devotional about
his child lab student who wanted to taker her
shoes off.

- Preventative measures
Ex. Patterns, routines, responsivity to children
When the (inevitable) storm comes...
Emotion Processing
Emotions are not labels like feelings. They’re
real, genuine, chemicals surging through our
bodies in the form of :
- Cortisol (stress)
- Adrenaline (‘fight or flight”)
- Serotonin (mood balancer, or “happy
hormone”)
- Dopamine (pleasure)
- Oxytocin (love; calm)
- Others
This cycle of emotional processing is hard to
put a stop on. It’s like trying to control a
storm.
What do we do?
1. Become aware of the child’s emotion;
2. Recognize the emotion as an
opportunity for intimacy and teaching;
3. Listen empathetically, validating the
child’s feelings;
4. Help the child find words to label the Guide them through emotions.
emotion they are experiencing; and As adults, we’ve learned to handle our

5. Set limits while exploring strategies to
solve the problem at hand.
emotions through practice and experience.
The key here is empathy. “The ability to see
and feel another person’s perspective”
(FLIP IT, 13).
Temper
Tantrums
Tantrums
Tantrumsare
are normal
normalunder
under44years
yearsold!
old!
When
Whenchildren
childrendon’t
don’thave
havethe
the language
languagetotoexpress
express
their
theirneeds
needsororwants,
wants,they
they literally
literallymelt
meltdown
downinin
frustration.
frustration.
“A
“Atantrum
tantrumis
isnot
notaateachable
teachablemoment.
moment. In
Inthe
the
moment,
moment, you
youjust
justwant
wanttotorecognize
recognize what’s
what’sgoing
going
on.
on.Acknowledge
Acknowledgehowhow they’re
they’refeeling,
feeling,and
andcalm
calm
things
thingsdown.”
down.”
--Dr.
Dr.Pederson,
Pederson,Physician
Physicianat
atPediatric
PediatricGroup
Groupof
ofMonterey
Montereywith
with
Stanford
StanfordMedicine
MedicineChildren’s
Children’sHealth
Health
Negative Discipline
Dismissive Disapproving
Disregard, ignore, or Critical of their children’s
trivialize children’s display of negative
negative emotions. emotions and may
• No response reprimand or punish them
• “That’s silly!.” for emotional expression.
• “There’s no reason…” • Scold
• Punitive Punishment
• “Should-ed upon”
Corporal/Physical Emotional/Psychological
Intentional injury or • Withdrawal of love
harm to body. • Abandonment
• Spanking • Intimidation
• Whipping • Fear
Laissez-Faire
Accept children’s
emotions and empathize
with them but fail to
offer guidance or set
limits on their behavior.
• Enticements
• “Tricks” for
compliance
• Temporary fix
Positive Discipline
How do we still set boundaries without being too
permissive or too strict?

“Empathy not only matters; it is the foundation of effective

parenting.”
– John Gottman, “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,” 35

• Explain
• Focus on the person rather than the problem
• Show appreciation by recognizing positive behavior
• Make it a game (“Let’s see how fast you can put your shoes on!”)
• Try to say “yes” when you can (Is saying “no,” really that bad?)
• Change how you see, not just how you act (put yourself in their
shoes)
• Assume the best!
• Reconsider your requests as real questions, (“Do you want to
clean up?” Vs. “It’s time to clean up in 5 minutes.”)
Empathy
“When we seek to understand our
children’s experience, they feel
supported. They know we’re on their
side. When we refrain from criticizing
(being “should-ed” upon), discounting
their feelings, or trying to distract
them from their goals…they let us
into their world. They tell us how they
feel. They offer their opinions.”

- John Gottman, Raising and

Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Five
Key Steps to Emotion Coaching, 75
Parenting Books
• John Gottman - Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

• Alfie Kohn - Unconditional Parenting

• Foster Cline and Jim Fay - Parenting with Love and Logic

• Lenore Skenazy - Free Range Kids

• Daniel J. Siegel and Tina P. Bryson - No-Drama Discipline,
or The Whole-Brain Child
• Church of Jesus Christ - Strengthening the Family,
Gospel Library > Books and Lessons > Family Resources

• Haim Ginott - Between Parent and Child or Teacher and

Child: A Book for Parents and Teachers
How YOU Handle the Storm

“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It

is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that
makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or
joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can
humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that
decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is
humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them
worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what
they are capable of becoming.”

― Haim G. Ginott, Teacher and Child: A Book for Parents and Teachers, 1972
References
Other than cited on specific slides:

“The Limbic System.” The University of Queensland Australia, https://qbi.uq.edu.au/brain/brain-

anatomy/limbic-system#:~:text=learning%20new%20things.-
,Amygdala,%2C%20fear%2C%20anxiety%20and%20anger.

“Doctor’s Tips for Taming Toddler Tantrum’s.” Stanford Medicine, 2022,

https://healthier.stanfordchildrens.org/en/doctors-tips-for-taming-toddler-tantrums/

“Understanding the Chemicals Controlling Your Mood.” CBHS Health, 2021,

https://www.cbhs.com.au/mind-and-body/blog/understanding-the-chemicals-controlling-your-
mood#:~:text=While%20there%20are%20many%20external,about%20how%20our%20brain%2
0works.

14