ENGL-1110

By: ZayShawn Diggs

Avoiding Failure

The thought of failing is one thing that always crosses my mind; it is one of the biggest

fears and obstacles that hinders my choices. Some questions you may be asking yourself, why do

I think like this or maybe? When did I start having these thoughts of failure? The fear of failure

is something that most people do not realize they have, until they understand themselves and

why they make certain decisions. But that does not mean I have all the answers myself; I am just

a simple man trying to live with his fears.

To start off, why do I think about failure? It is not like most actions that you think about,

but it is subconsciously on your mind. But for me it is always front and center because I cannot

disappoint myself or my family. Which leads me to only do activities I am good at and stray

away from new experiences. But that does not mean I don’t want to participate and have fun, but

when I choose not to it leaves me with the cold feeling of disappointment. Finally, the thought of

failure can be one that hinders or lifts you up to be better.

Time to time I have demonstrated not participating in activities due to the thought of

failure lingering in my mind. My junior year of high school I was overly excited to play football

but when the time came to go to practice and play. I was too nervous about the idea of teamwork,

but it was not just that it was the fear of having that feeling of another person knocking me to the

ground and tasting dirt. On the other hand, this fear of mine is not just particular to activities.

This includes people as well. I once wanted to become friends with someone so bad but in turn, I

was too fearful they wouldn’t like my character. Overall, the times I have demonstrated not

being able to do something due to fear have happened a handful of times, but it has not impacted

me drastically.

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ENGL-1110
By: ZayShawn Diggs

The Time in my life that these thoughts first crossed my mind had to have been the end of

my first year in high school. This was one of my worst years ever in school, to make it even

worse it was the most important year of my high school career. After final grades came in and

my mother seen, it left a disappointed and shocked expression across her face. She proceeded to

say, “these are the grades you were working so hard for", While she was saying this, I was able

to taste the salt from my tears. But during this time, it was 2021 which was around peak covid-19

she understood it took a toll on my grades. While I could Still see the water in my eyes, I

proclaimed, “that I would never fail like that ever again and I promise I would get a 4.0 my

sophomore year.” Which ended up manifesting this dread of failure and from that day onwards

this has trumped all other fears I had.

There are many ways that I deal with the thought of defeat from being stoic, carefree, and

hubris. They are come downsides with each way, but stoicism comes with little to none, the only

thing is that I am so used to not expressing my emotions that I just walk around with a blank

expression on my face, which people see and think “why is he so angry” or “why aren’t you

smiling.” Onto the one that gets people to dislike my character is my carefree attitude, whenever

someone says something rude or asks for my thoughts on a subject. I would answer with “I do

not care” most of the time or one-word responses such as cool, fine, and nice, which leads people

to think I do not want to interact with them. At last, we have gotten to hubris, which leaves

people either liking or disliking the always right attitude, but this usually leads me into

nonsensical arguments with others, but this attitude allows me to keep the thought of defeat at

bay.

This does not mean I cannot conquer my fears, but I would rather live with them, because

without that fear I would not have become the man I am today.

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ENGL-1110
By: ZayShawn Diggs