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Emily Sixtos
Professor Spieser
English 101
September 10, 2023
Feeling Lost
Growing up, my parents would speak both English and Spanish in my home. I grew up

mostly speaking English, but a lot of my family members spoke Spanish, so I understood most of

it. I would say I grew up involved with my Mexican side because of the food I would eat, the

music I would listen to and the traditions my family would follow. I was born and raised in

Oxnard where the percentage of Mexicans is about 73 percent. Although I grew up in a Mexican

American community, I felt like I struggled to fit in with my friends and family. I felt lost and

sometimes I still do.

Both of my parents were born in Mexico, but my siblings and I were all born and raised

here in Oxnard. Although my parents came to the U.S. at a young age, they still follow traditions

and have never changed their ways of living. They are proud of who they are and where they

come from. A very common culture artifact that is used in the Mexican community is the tortilla

press. The tortilla press is used to make handmade tortillas. There are two types of tortilla

presses, a metal and a wooden one. The metal tortilla press has a round top and bottom plate,

with a handle that is used to compress the tortilla dough when it presses both plates together. The

wooden tortilla press is made of wood, instead of the base being round, it is squared, and it also

has a handle. Before putting the dough between the plates, you should place parchment paper or

plastic wrap on both sides to prevent the tortilla dough from sticking. I have two tortilla presses

in my kitchen they my mom uses at least three times a month. I have a metal one and a wooden

one, both were brought by my grandma who lives in Mexico. Since the tortilla press originated in
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Mexico, it has a lot of value in Mexican culture. Everyone in my family has a tortilla press in

their house, even if they don’t use it often. For most people in the Mexican community, the

tortilla press stands as a symbol of tradition and craftsmanship. It has played a huge role for

many generations. The tortilla press is a very traditional tool that has become a treasured item in

kitchens worldwide.

A tradition my family follows is to celebrate Christmas on the 24th of December. There

are a few places that also celebrate Christmas on the 24th but in Mexico, Christmas is usually

celebrated the 24th instead of the 25th. Christmas Eve is the day almost every Mexican celebrates

Christmas. In my family, we have all my tias, tios and cousins come over to eat, play games and

just spend time together. The traditional foods that Mexicans eat on Christmas are tamales and

pozole. My parents and I usually make the tamales on the 23rd to have them prepared for the 24th.

Walking downstairs to the smell of the masa (dough) felt so heartwarming, knowing I was going

to spend time with all my loved ones and eating some of my favorite foods. Ever since I was

little, I would always help my mom prepare tamales, it was always one of my favorite things to

do. I don’t usually like to cook or help make food but when it’s Christmas and time to make

tamales, I get excited. Last year for Christmas, I remember my last day of school before break

was on the 23rd, I came home to my parents' making tamales and I was so excited to start helping

them. Besides the main dishes, there are also different drinks and desserts that are made. One

drink is ponche, which contains different fruits and fruit juice. Another drink is champurrado, it

is a thick drink that is made with masa, water, milk, vanilla and cinnamon. A dessert that my

mom always makes on Christmas is bunuelos, they are made from fried dough and are covered

in cinnamon sugar. Another thing my family does on Christmas Eve is, we stay up till midnight

and open presents. Instead of waiting till the morning on the 25th, we stay up and wait for the
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clock to hit 12 every year and we open our presents. Christmas has always been one of my

favorite holidays, not because of the physical gifts that I receive but because I get to spend time

with my family and eat my favorite foods from my culture.

Although I do eat some foods, listen to music and follow traditions from my culture and

community, I still struggle to fit in. Both of my parents first language was Spanish, they both

came to the U.S. before they were adults, my mom when she was about 7 years old and my dad

when he was 15. They learned English at a young age. Growing up, my brothers and I mostly

spoke English. We understood both languages but since our parents knew English, it was easy

for us just to speak it all the time. I have some family members that don’t speak English at all.

My grandparents from my mom and my dad's side only speak Spanish and all my dad's siblings

also only speak Spanish. I do understand mostly everything that is being said to me in Spanish,

but I have trouble speaking it. I can form sentences, but I must really process it in my head

before I speak. Sometimes my parents say that I don’t speak it is because I’m embarrassed, that’s

not the case at all. There was this one time when I went with my mom to get her eyebrows done,

the lady who was doing them was very nice and she was being talkative, she was also Mexican

American, my mom and her started talking and somehow the topic of me and my siblings not

speaking Spanish as often as we should came up. I remember her asking me, “why don’t you

speak Spanish when people talk to you in Spanish, are you embarrassed of who you are or are

you afraid of messing up and embarrassing yourself?” Something about that question made me

feel better, because the truth was, I was afraid. My response to her was, “yes, I am afraid of

messing up and saying things that don’t make sense, I don’t want to embarrass myself.” I have

always been afraid of messing up and saying things wrong. I felt that if I did mess up, people

would laugh and make fun of me. I’ve always struggled to hold a conversation in Spanish
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because in my mind I knew what to say but when it was time to say it out load I would always

freeze. I don’t feel like I fit in sometimes with my friends because I have some friends whose

first language was Spanish, and all my other friends speak it fluently because their parents don’t

speak English. I feel out of place, like I don’t belong. I feel like I’m not good enough to call

myself Mexican American because I struggle to speak Spanish. I’m not ashamed of who I am,

but I am ashamed of myself for not trying harder. I know that I can do better, I can try harder.

The worst that can happen is I mess up but if I do then I’ll just try again and learn from my

mistakes. It’s still a struggle I am working on, but I do want to get better and try harder.

There's so much beauty that comes with being part of the Mexican America community.

Throughout all my years of living, I have seen a difference from the way I do things and the way

other people who aren’t part of my community do things. There are traditions that I follow,

foods that I eat, music that I listen to, certain phrases that I say and a lot more that others don’t

do or say. I do have my struggles but who doesn’t? Overall, I’m very proud of who I am and how

my parents raised me to be. In the far future when I have kids and a family, I want them to grow

up with the same traditions. I want them to know why it’s important to be different from others

and why it’s important to be proud of who they are. I don’t want them to be embarrassed or

ashamed of who they are, I want them to be able to embrace themselves and feel like they

belong.