BROKEN

STRINGS

BY: Minenhle KHUMALO

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 All rights reserved.

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permission in writing by the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any
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similar condition including this condition being imposed on the
subsequent reader.

Copyright © Minenhle Khumalo 2019

The moral right of the author has been asserted

All characters and events in this book, either than those clearly in the public
domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, dead or alive, is
purely coincidental.

Please do excuse the errors that might be found as you read through

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 To my readers: For always riding with me and supporting the
brewery in my head, I THANK YOU! WHOLE HEARTEDLY!

ENJOY

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-This part of my life is called the beginning of the end

The loud ringing of the alarm clock snaps me out of my calm and peaceful dreamland trip.
As I swing my eyes open I catch my husband in all his glory walking into the bathroom
before I hear the water go off. When did he wake up? And how did I not hear him getting
out of bed.

Sigh.

I roll out of bed and get on my knees saying my morning prayers before making my way into
the bathroom. There was once a time when this steam filled bathroom would excite me but
now all it does is bring misery into this heart of mine.

I brush my teeth then wash my face before heading to the kitchen to get started on
breakfast. I settle on a chicken mayo and cheese sandwich for my husband’s lunch and some
oats for breakfast. Just as I am finishing up he walks in working on his tie. I quickly wipe my
hands then make my way to him to help him with it.

“Thank you.” He says once I am done.

I nod lightly then serve him his hot oats with a cup of strong black tea. He has settled on the
high chairs and as always is browsing through his morning newspaper. I set the tray in front
of him then rush back to our bedroom to take a shower. I always use this time to cleanse my
soul and by cleanse my soul I mean cry my eyeballs out. Once I am done cleansing my soul I
step out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body before heading into the closet
where I apply lotion all over my body then settle in my chair once I am done.

I have decided to look as natural as I can be with makeup on. Today is a very important day
for me and I need to look and feel the part. I finish up then go pick out something sexy for
underneath. RED is the colour that I am going for today. I put on my under garment then go
and get dressed. I have decided on my red power suit with my hair tied up in a bun.

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“Powerful.” I affirm looking at myself through the mirror.

My husband gives me a faint smile as I make my way into the kitchen. I am not expecting
him to roll out the red carpet for me or anything however a little ‘You look beautiful’ would
be lovely.

Nothing? Okay.

I pack his lunchbox then place it on the counter before grabbing my bag.

“Have a great day.” I say grabbing my keys.

“You too.” He responds.

My heart breaks slightly but I pick myself up and blast my feel good playlist the second I step
into the car.

Today is going to be a lovely day. I can feel it.

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-This part of my life is called slight joy

“Boss lady Mr Green is here for you.” Precious says walking into my office.

I raise my head from my laptop screen and give her a faint smile. She nods lightly and makes
her way out making sure to close the door behind her. I draw in a breath before getting up
from my seat and fixing myself. I take my laptop and place it in the safe before grabbing my
phone, file and office key. I lock up then make my way to the boardroom where I find Mr
Green snacking on the variety of finger foods provided.

This is why I prefer to have all of my meetings in the boardroom because we get to enjoy
these little delicacies without getting my office messy. I do not even eat in my own office so
there is no way that I am going to allow someone else to. He smiles when he sees me
walking towards him and quickly wipes his hands with a serviette before approaching me.
He puts out his hand for me and I do the same and we share a hand shake.

“Mrs Mazibuko looking stunning as always.”

I blush internally. A compliment from a man!

“Thank you Mr Green and I keep telling you to call me Makhosazana.” I say chuckling.

He breaks out into laughter and I can’t help but join him. It is always amusing to hear him
struggle with my name.

“Of course Zana.” He says with a broad smile on his face.

I shake my head as I pull a chair and settle on it. He does the same and we get started with
our meeting. Today is just a formality because we had already discussed everything and a
copy of the contract was sent to him for his perusal a few weeks back. He insisted on

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coming in and signing the contract personally instead of signing it at his offices then
emailing it to me because he enjoys these little snacks that we offer.

“So Mr Green.” I say.

“If I am going to call you Zana then you are going to have to call me Stephen.”

“Stephen.” I say with a light nod.

Again that wide smile! He reaches for something inside his suit jacket and he comes out
with a pen. I watch on as he signs and initials each page before sliding the contract towards
me. I do the same while he starts on the other copy. Once he is done he slides that one
towards me as well and I sign that one also. Once we’re done each of us takes our own
copies and puts them away.

“So Makhosazana how about we go and have lunch just to celebrate this deal?” He says.

“It is ten o’clock in the morning so lunch does not sound very practical Mr Green.” I lean
back against my chair.

He chuckles while shaking his head. The smirk plastered across his face is enough to have
me agree to have lunch with him. Mr Green is not your typical white guy as they call them;
he is what I can describe as a black guy trapped in a white man’s body.

He is average height but what he lacks in height he makes up for in looks and physique. Even
through his suits you can tell that the muscles underneath are the real deal. His biceps
under that jacket are enough to have any woman actually go crazy. His light blue eyes with a
hint of gold around the rim can have any woman speaking in tongues. I think the hoe in me
is just horny and yearning for male attention hence I am going on like this about this man. I
think this is the reason why I keep declining his lunch date requests because I know that
things might just get messy.

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“Then we can do breakfast but I insist that we celebrate Zana.”

I agree with the celebration, I mean this is a big deal for both our companies but this man is
quite flirtatious hence I say things might get messy.

“I have a meeting at eleven o’clock that I cannot miss.” I get up and gather my things.

“Lunch it is then. One o’clock at the restaurant down stairs.”

“Stephen.” I say sounding defeated.

“I will see you then and please do not be late.” He winks at me before grabbing his stuff off
of the table then walks out.

Such a persistent man! Sigh. I take my things and head back to my office. I actually do not
have any work to get through today, if anything I can just pack up and make my way home
but I am not in the mood to stare at my grey miserable walls. I decide to lock my office door
and catch up on my movies. I haven’t watched a movie in such a long time that I am certain
it is a finable crime.

I kick my shoes off and settle on my grey custom made couch. When I was working on this
office, I knew exactly what colour scheme I was going for and I knew exactly where I wanted
what. I knew that my table had to be facing the door and my couch had to be behind the
door. The entire floor is covered by a grey silk Persian rug that matches my couch. I have
hints of white and blacks throughout the entire space but the main colour is grey. I have a
love affair with the colour.

I end up catching up on Shameless – my favourite! I love Frank, I think underneath his

alcoholic nature lies a very broken and wounded man. I’ve seen a few of those and I have
come to learn that all they need is a little bit of love and care.

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Before I know it, it is time for my lunch date with Mr Green. Let us see what the flirt has in
store for us.

*****

When I arrive at the restaurant I find him seated with his glasses on while reading a book.
The saying ‘do not judge a book by its cover’ applies here because he is reading a book titled
Bad Girls’ Club and by the look of the cover it is PG21 stuff. I clear my throat and he
hesitantly raises his head then quickly breaks out into a broad smile when he realises that it
is me.

“Zana, I thought you weren’t coming.” He says closing the book and getting up.

He pulls my chair for me before settling back in his. The waiter comes and gives me a menu,
I ask for a glass of pineapple juice while I browse through to see what I will be having.

“So how are you?” He asks.

I chuckle lightly. It is funny how I do not ever recall him ever asking me how I am doing
before a meeting. I guess the casual setup allows for such.

“I am pretty good and you?”

“Same here, well apart from my daughter driving me crazy.” He says shaking his head.

“How old is she, if you do not mind me asking.”

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“She is fifteen. This puberty stage is driving her insane which in turn is driving me crazy. I
swear I do not know how to deal with her. One minute I am the world’s best dad the next I
am the evil ruler, like right up there like next to Hitler.” He huffs before breaking into a
chuckle.

The exaggeration in his voice and on his face as he says this has me in stitches. I can imagine
how difficult it must be for him.

“Don’t laugh Zana and the fact that she lives with her mother and I only get the chance to
see her on weekends means that I get served the entire weeks tantrums in two days, it is
horrible.”

I am in stitches. Why am I laughing at the poor man’s predicament? Argh stop

Makhosazana. I pull myself together and raise my head only to find him looking at me with a
warm smile plastered across his face.

“You have a very beautiful laugh and smile.” He compliments me.

My stomach is suddenly doing back flips and I do not think that I appreciate it right now.

“Thank you.” I respond shyly.

Stop it! This is not you Makhosazana! You are not shy and you do not feel giddy for business
associates.

“So do you have any kids?”

My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. That is a topic that I am not comfortable touching
on. I shake my head before taking a sip of my drink. Luckily for me the waiter comes with
our order and I immediately dig in after saying a short prayer.

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I think that Mr Green noticed how the baby question sucked some energy out of me
because he is also suddenly reserved.

“So what make you decide to get into the entertainment industry?” I ask him.

“I love everything about it especially when it comes to film and television. I remember one
day I was stuck in my office when I was still corporate and a wave of sadness hit me and I
knew right there and then that I was in the wrong industry so I quit my job much to my ex-
wife’s disapproval but I am grateful that I stuck to my guns and that I went for it.”

“Well the industry is blessed to have you I must admit.”

“Flattery Zana.”

I chuckle lightly. Flattery kuphi la? He is just trying to be cute. Lunch goes on beautifully with
general conversation taking place between the two of us. I am learning that Stephen has a
sense of humour that is just a welcomed breath of fresh air. Overall lunch was great and I
am glad that he bulldozed me into agreeing to it.

Now to go home and be miserable.

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-This part of my life was called the beginning of FOREVER

“How blessed am I to get to spend the rest of my life with you?” He paused and chuckled
lightly while I tried so hard to not let the tears spill out of my eyes.

Our wedding day, the one day that I thought would mean the most to me until the day I
departed this earth. It is funny how things can just change within a blink of an eye.

“Makhosazana, maSithole wami omuhle, sthandwa senhliziyo yami, luba lami. You are all
that I have been searching for and more. When you stepped into the elevator on that fateful
day two years ago, life as I knew it changed. I was never the same man again but only in a
positive light. You came into my life and you helped me grow into the man that I had always
wanted to be but never knew how I would get to that point.

You held my hand in the darkest of days and shone your light over me. When I felt like
quitting on myself you pushed me and you made me believe in myself and I will eternally be
grateful to you for that. I love you Makhosazana and I vow to protect your heart with
everything in me. I promise to love you when it gets tough and I promise to love you when
the world is kind to us. You are my light and without you I would be lost.

It is you and I from this day forth until the end of time baby.”

His vows still bring tears to my eyes especially on days like these, well specifically this day –
our wedding anniversary. I was only twenty five when I decided to give myself to him and I
do not think that I regret doing so. However I do wish things could have turned out
differently.

I am in bed indulging in a novel titled Mended. You know when you had been broken and
never thought that you would pick yourself up again? Well this is what this book touches on.
The fact that there are people that have seen the devils hand and made it out alive inspires
me. It makes me realise that nothing can ever be too big for me to handle when I work in
accordance with God and the strength that he has placed in me.

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My husband walks in and makes his way into the closet. He is very early. Today I decided to
spend my entire day in my pyjamas in bed reading. He emerges from the closet dressed in
his sweatpants and a vest with slippers on. He climbs onto the bed and places a kiss on my
forehead leaving my body stiff. This man has not placed his lips on any part of my body in
about a year so excuse the reaction.

“How are you maSithole?”

“I am as good as can be expected and you?”

“Ngiyaphila.” He says and we fall back into silence.

I shrug as I stick my nose back into my novel. Why he even attempted to start a
conversation with me, is beyond my comprehension.

“I would like for us to go out and have dinner tonight.”

When we first got married we used to have date night at least once a week and as the years
went along the date nights seized to exist. We blamed it on work and his occasional
travelling however I think we both know what went wrong. I have not been on a date with
my husband in over a year and I do not know how I feel about going out in public with him
especially on this day.

“I was planning on spending the night catching up on some reading.” I say without even
lifting my head.

“Come on maSithole, you can catch up on your reading tomorrow. Please have dinner with
me tonight.” He begs.

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Beg? Mazibuko and beg, in the same sentence? I am amazed! I honestly do not feel like
going out but I guess I have to suck it in and put my big girl panties on.

“Okay.” I mutter.

“Great. I was thinking maybe Rockwood Theatre? Catch a show while sharing a tray of pizza
and a platter.”

“Okay sounds good.” I get off the bed and drag myself across the room.

This is one of those, I would be jumping at this date and giggling if things were good
between us but hey. I jump into the shower and stand under the warm water with a million
thoughts running through my mind. Does he remember that today is our anniversary and if
so why hasn’t he said anything? Actually I do not care whether or not he remembers. A
whole bloody year of misery and he thinks some stupid dinner can solve it? Ngeke he must
forget.

I step out of the shower then wrap a towel around my body and head into the closet to get
dressed. A simple pair of jeans, a blouse and heels, that should do it. I finish up then head
into the bedroom where I find him on the phone.

“I told you to stop calling me when I’m at home. Look I’m going out for dinner with my wife
and you better not call me because I don’t want her to suspect anything… what of course I
still love you and I always will, now stop acting like this because you are beginning to get on
my nerves!.” He says through gritted teeth.

Everything happens in slow motion. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach as the room
begins to spin. My biggest fear confirmed – HE IS CHEATING ON ME. I turn back on my tracks
and make my way back into the bathroom then quickly lean against the basin and try to
calm myself before I pass out.

I knew it!

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I had always suspected!

From that day about a year ago when he walked in and he had a different spring to his step.
His smile was wider and his eyes sparkly. His skin had a different glow to it and I knew that it
was not all because of our new diet. I observed how he would roll out of bed and whistle his
way to the bathroom which would continue throughout his entire time in the shower. He
was happier to go to work now and when he came back his mood would still be at a
hundred.

My suspicions were raised even higher when he stopped touching me. See Mazibuko and I
were like rabbits, humping anywhere, everywhere and whenever. We enjoyed sex with each
other THAT much! I knew that I would get it in the shower, in the kitchen while making
breakfast, in the bedroom as I got ready for work, he literally could not keep his hand off of
me. So when I tried to initiate sex and he blew me off, I knew that something was up but
after a year of no sex I realised that I had lost him.

BUT hearing it! Hearing him on the phone with her telling her that he loves her puts a nail in
the coffin!

“Hey what’s talking so long?” He asks walking in.

I remain standing in my position still trying to calm myself down. It is taking everything in
me right now not to blow up and tell him to fuck off. How could he do this to me? Screw my
heart, what about my dignity? There is some woman out there who thinks that I am a
fucken idiot because of this man. Yes she is also at fault because clearly she knows that he
has a wife BUT HIM? He vowed to respect me and he promised never to turn me into a
laughing stock.

I remember when we had the conversation on cheating I told him straight out that I would
divorce him without even blinking should he put me in that situation. I remember how he
turned to pull me into his arms and promised never to look at anyone else in that manner.
He told me I was his everything and more but even so we promised that should you want to

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venture out you would let the next person know so that they could decide what they
wanted to do. I bloody well told him that the only route I would go is divorce. Why didn’t he
just divorce me instead of humiliating me like this?

Fucken pig!

“Makhosazana what’s wrong?”

He rests his hand on my lower back before rubbing it in circles. Disgusting!

“I just got this sharp pain in my chest but I’ll be okay.”

“No, let us go to the doctor just to check, what if you are having a heart attack?” He almost
sounds convincing.

I bet he would be pleased if I were to drop dead this instant!

“No Sandile I’m fine.”

“I’m not accepting that.”

In one swift move I am in his arms with him walking us out of the bedroom. Well in this
moment I would much rather the hospital than a date with him. He walks into the garage
then opens the front door to his G-Wagon and gently sets me on the seat. I bought him this
car for his birthday which was months before he started acting up. I wonder if she has been
in this car before. Argh what am I saying, of course she has. My dream car! He he MEN!

He gets into the driver seat and drives out. Unfortunately Zimbali has a 40km/h speed limit
so I have to endure the slow silence. The sun is setting on the horizon which looks

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magnificent and I am somewhat happy I caught it. I always say the seeing the sunset is one
of my favourite pastimes. I remember the one time we took the sunset tour in Cape Town
and in that moment I could not help but say what a master creator God is. I had never seen
anything as beautiful as that and I am yet to. Wow now I feel like going to sip on some wine
in the Cape wine lands. I should make a plan.

We are stopped by a couple of Kudus which are making their way to the other side of
nature. When we decided to build our house here it was because of all this greenery and
because of the magnificent hotel. Even though I live in this estate I book myself into the
hotel at least once every three months – it is that magnificent.

The Kudus have cleared and we can carry on with our journey. Sigh, this 40km/h is killing
me!

“How is the pain now?” He asks.

What pain konje?

“It is much better. Almost gone actually.” I lie.

“We’ll still go see doctor Masango anyway.”

I nod lightly as I sink back into my seat and take in the beauty of nature. I always say that
nature is God’s way of showing off really. When we drive out of the estate he steps on it and
before I know it we have arrived at Dr. Masango’s private practice. We make our way in and
settle on the couch while he speaks to the receptionist.

*****

“Should we just get some takeouts because I do not want you cooking?”

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“Hot wings please.”

Luckily there is a KFC in Ballito so we stop there to get some wings then head to the Nandos
for our meals before our last stop at what I call a knock off Food Lovers but it still get the job
done anyway, for some cake. Dr. Masango said I was probably experiencing a panic attack
seeing that she could not find anything wrong with me. I wanted to laugh so hard but I kept
it all in. She prescribed some medication which I will not drink and an asthma pump. She
said should I feel as if though I am running out of breath. We finish our shopping then head
home, again in complete silence.

“Before I forget, umama uthe uyeza Friday.”

“Oh okay.”

“Is something wrong?”

Is nyamthing wrong? How the hell is he asking me that? His mother is coming over for
probably for the entire week or more and he asks what is wrong? Now do not get me
wrong, I love his mother. In fact I am much closer to her than I am with my own mother, and
that is where the problem lies, she can read me like an open book. She obviously has not
been able to notice that something is wrong because we see each other at family gatherings
and in that space Sandile and I do not interact that much so you would not notice anything.

Now how are we going to hide the fact that our marriage is over from her?

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-This part of my life is called SHOWTIME

Ask me again why I always act like this woman has never been to our house before? As
always I am running around like a headless chicken trying to make sure that everything is
spotless. I changed the sheets, curtains along with the carpet that was in the guestroom.
Right now I am in the kitchen cooking her favourite – dumplings with a hearty oxtail stew. I
always ask her why she likes oxtail because that thing has no meat whatsoever and her
response is always the same “you will not understand unless you are a certain kind of
person.”

Well I guess I am not in the right league – the elite league. I hear the car doors closing from
the garage and suddenly I am nervous. Do I actually want to put on this show? Do I want to
help this man save face? Do I want to lie to the one person that I know will have my back no
matter what my decision is?

“Something smells delicious in here.” That is the first thing she says when she enters the
kitchen.

I squeal excitedly before walking into her embrace and we share a very warm hug. I sure
have missed her! Nomthandazo Mazibuko is one gracious woman who exudes nothing but
confidence. When she walks into a room every head turns to look her direction. You cannot
look at her and not think and see elegance.

“Mama.” I say softly.

“I love how your curves keep getting sexier and sexier each time I see you. You should stop
hiding behind those aprons man.” She cups my face and looks into my probably dull eyes.

I giggle sweetly as I shake my head. I love how playful she can get at times.

“Your sister in-law would lose it. You look gorgeous!” I compliment her.

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“Unamanga Makhosazana.” Her laughter fills the entire room.

She always does this. Apparently I always lie to her about how gorgeous she is. She is that
humble about her beauty. I doubt I would be. Laawd should I age as gracefully as she is I will
not be humble about it, not even a little bit!

“Mxm, how was your trip? You must be exhausted.”

“Yey wena ngani I live about an hour away so I do not understand that question.”

I roll my eyes earning me a pinch. In my defence, old people don’t like travelling so I just had
to make sure!

“Ouch!” I exclaim rubbing the area where the pinch landed.

That actually stung. A lot at that.

“Uyadelela angithi.”

We share a laugh as I go back to my pots. She’s been here for all of two minutes but already
I am beyond grateful for her presence. Sandile walks in wearing a jean and a t-shirt and has
the keys to his Porsche in his hands. Going out are we?

“Ladies I am heading out for a little bit but I’ll be back before dinner.” He announces

He is going to her! He is going to see his bitch leaving me in OUR house with HIS mother.
The disrespect! The audacity! The liver! Isibindi sokungishiya noMa while he goes
gallivanting with his mistress. I cannot believe this man!

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“Oh where are you going?” I ask.

“To see the boys.” His response comes quickly and is dismissive.

“But umama is here.” I

He gives me a look, I guess that should be enough for me to back down however I am not
having it. He can do his shit when his mother leaves. I am here putting on this happy fake
persona for his mother, the least he can do is meet me almost halfway.

“Mama do you mind?” He asks looking at his mother.

She chuckles lightly while shaking her head before looking between Sandile and me. I can
tell that she does not want to get involved in this almost argument but she knows that she
has to say something because he has involved her directly.

“Actually I do. When last did I see you two? When last was I here?” she asks.

Actually you know what? I do not care. He can do whatever the hell he wants. Makahambe!

“Hamba Sandile.” I say chuckling.

It is now between him and his mother. Angisazingeni mina. I switch the stove off then give
them space to talk. I make my way to our room and throw myself on the bed then reach for
my phone. A message from Mr Green, I mean Stephen. Why am I giggling?

“I came to see you at the office but I was told you did not come in today. I do hope that
everything is well. Please do get back to me when you get this.

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Stephen.” The message reads.

How thoughtful right?

“Hi Stephen

Everything is good thank you. I just needed some time off. Thank you for checking up on
me.”

I was not expecting this at all but I must admit that it has my stomach fluttering. My phone
pings, it’s him. That was quick!

“I am glad that you are good. Can we do breakfast on Monday?”

“Breakfast Monday sounds good, just send me the details and I will see you then.

Have a great weekend Mr Green.”

“Same to you Makhosazana”

Breakfast should be interesting!

Sandile walks in while clicking his tongue. I guess his mother gave him an earful. He throws
his keys on the bed then proceeds to the closet and comes out wearing a tracksuit a few
minutes later. I guess he will not be getting sex anywhere today. Oh well.

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“Makhosazana.” His voice is laced with anger that even a deaf person can hear.

“Yebo.” I respond without lifting my head from my phone.

He knows that he can’t exactly burst because he thinks that I know not of what his shady ass
has been doing kodwa haha!

“Why did you do that?”

“Haibo Sandile, your mother came here to see you and you want to go drink with the very
same boys that you can go and see tomorrow?” I still have my nose in my phone.

“Mxm.” He says before walking out.

“I guess tonight’s pussy session was going to be that extra special huh.” I mumble after him

Oh well! Makalambe! Nxaaa!

*****

The weekend with mama around has been a very interesting one and by that I mean Sandile
has been showering me with random forehead kisses. I guess he really is putting on a show
for his mother because he knows that she would probably shit on his head if she were to
find out about our situation. I honestly have reached a point where I feel like asking him for
a divorce. This weekend has shown me that even if I were to say okay let us work on things
and try to fix us, I would not be one hundred percent in.

Maybe in a perfect world Sandile and I live happily ever after however this is not that world.

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I get dressed then grab my bag and head down to the kitchen where I find Sandile and
mama already having breakfast.

“Good morning.” I greet.

“My baby how are you?” mama is s cheerful as always.

I appreciate the energy that she has bought into this space over the last few days.

“I’m fine thanks and you?”

“I’m good baby. Sit I’ll get you your plate.”

“Unfortunately I will have to pass, I have a breakfast meeting.” I say grabbing an apple.

“And I have a late dinner meeting so I will not be home for dinner.” My dear husband says.

“I guess you and me can go out for dinner then ma?”

“Depends.”

I chuckle softly. She hates going to the fine dining restaurants that I take her to – I’m trying
to spoil her but no. MaMazibuko is not about that life! Rolls eyes.

“Gateway, a movie and dinner at a restaurant of your choice.” I say.

“Perfect baby. See you later.” She says with a grin on her face.

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“Okay bye bye.” I say rushing out.

I know that the late dinner meeting is his time with his woman. I should probably be hurt
and crying and rolling on the floor but I am stronger than that. Besides, the year that we
spent as roommates has prepared me for whatever shit was going to pop up anyway. Sigh.

The drive through the estate has always been my favourite. I love seeing the monkey’s on
people’s rooftops, I enjoy seeing the early risers who are jogging their way through the
estate, the golf carts making their way around – which I’ve always wondered who wakes up
so early just to drive around the estate, okay maybe I would as well if I was some rich
housewife or something. The traffic going to Umhlanga side is always so hectic in the
morning. Luckily I don’t have to go all the way with it, without traffic it takes about thirty
minutes but with traffic I can spend two hours on this stretch.

I sigh happily as I make my turn and the traffic disappears out of sight. Now I can fly to my
breakfast destination. I spot him already sipping on something when I enter African Roots
Coffee. I’ve had their coffee once so when he suggested this place I agreed happily. I love
how comfortable this space feels. It is clean and minimalistic yet so catchy. It is homey man.

“Why am I always first to our meet ups Zana?” He teases.

I giggle sweetly as I shake my head. Why vele? He opens his arms for me and we share a
brief hug before he pulls the chair for me. I must admit, he looks good in his fitted suit.
Indoda! A man!

“Hi guys can I take your order?” The waiter asks.

I have not even looked at the menu. I browse through it quickly then settle on a smoked
salmon, avocado and cream cheese croissant with an affrogato while he has an Americano
with poached eggs Benedict style with smoked salmon. The waiter walks away after taking

25
our orders leaving me with a smiling Stephen. He sure does have a breathtaking smile.
Colgate advert worthy kind of smile.

“You look fantastic Zana.” His compliment rolls off of his tongue.

“Thank you, you look fantastic as well.” I respond.

“I had to look the part because you always look so breathtaking.”

I giggle sweetly. Stephen and his compliments will be the death of me I tell you. He has this
silly, goofy yet intense look plastered across his face.

“I don’t handle the accounts Mr Green.”

“Oh you wound me.” He says dramatically.

We share a laugh. I believe that this is going to be a great morning. My phone rings, it’s
mama. I do not want to answer this call because I know that it has something to do with
dinner.

“Are you not going to get that?” He asks with an eyebrow raised.

Now I am going to seem like a bitch if I don’t!

“Ma.” I answer hesitantly.

“My baby can you talk?”

26
“Of course.”

“Is there something going on between you and Sandile because I sensed some tension
between the two of you this morning.”

You see what I was saying? This woman can read me like a book. Now how do I answer this
in a convincing manner?

“Everything is fine mama.” I lie through my teeth.

Futhi I can’t really say anything because I am in public and I do not want anyone else to hear
of my problems.

“Your husband also said the same thing but I do not believe the two of you.”

“Ma can we do this during dinner because I am in the middle of a meeting right now.”

“Run Makhosazana.”

I break out into laughter. Oh the drama.

“Bye bye.” I say before hanging up.

Sigh. I am probably going to let her in on everything tonight, and you know what I actually
do need to offload. It sucks that it has to be on his mother but hey it is what it is.

27
“Sorry about that.”

“You and your mom must share a very special relationship because that smile on your face
is everything as my daughter would say.”

Oh Stephen! I’m a giggling mess right now. He just keeps these compliments coming and I
am here for them yazi.

“You could say so. She is a special character.” I say.

“As are you Zana. Anyway how was the weekend?”

There is so much warmth in his voice that you can’t help but feel fuzzy.

“Not bad, spent it with mama and you?”

“Had my daughter for the weekend and we went down to the Cape because she wanted to
go snorkelling.”

“Oh my goodness, she has you wrapped around her finger!” I say chuckling.

“No she does not!”

How cute!

“She does too!”

28
“Okay maybe a little but I mean come on, you should see her face. No one can say no to that
face.”

He reaches for his phone and I assume he is searching for his daughter’s pictures. He slides
me the phone and instructs me to scroll to the left. Okay you can’t say no that that face. She
has the most alluring marble eyes I have ever seen, hazel in colour. When she grows older
she is going to have these men falling at her feet. She is a goddess.

“She is stunning. My goodness, I’m going to assume that she looks like her mother because
well…”

“Ouch Zana, you wound me again.” He says shaking his head.

I cannot help the laugh the breaks out of me. The look on his face is one of a man who has a
teenage daughter and imitates her most of the time. Comical!

“But you do have to admit that she is a stunner.”

“She is and you are absolutely right she does look like her mother.” He says with a faint
smile on his face.

I get the feeling that the ex-wife is not a delightful subject.

“Would me asking what happened between you and her mother be overstepping?”

He chuckles lightly. Just then the waiter comes with our food and sets everything on the
table. We thank him and he walks away after telling us that we should give him a shout if we
need anything else.

29
“No you would not be overstepping however that is not breakfast conversation so we can
keep it for another day. Indoors, no interruption kind of conversations.”

I nod lightly before digging in. I do not know what to say about this so I will refrain from
saying anything. My stomach however did tumble a bit at him mentioning the indoor set up
and no interruption. This is me admitting that I am slightly taken by Mr Green. His gentle yet
playful character is something that I definitely need in this moment in my life.

I feel a pang of guilt but I quickly brush it off and focus on my conversation with Stephen
who is passionately going on about his next project which he has a huge vision for. He wants
to shoot some of the scenes in London. When I ask him why he doesn’t just got the green
screen route, he tells me that it is not authentic. Well then.

We get so caught up in our own world that we do not even realise that it is past midday
already. Well that was a very fruitful ‘meeting’, I enjoyed every second of my time spent
with him and I am actually looking forward to the next meeting.

*****

I drive into the garage and draw a huge breath before making my way into the house. I have
been dreading coming back home because of mama’s earlier phone call. Knowing her she is
going to drill the truth out of me but like I had said, I am ready to offload.

“Mama.” I place a kiss on her cheek before throwing myself on the bed next to her.

She turns to look at me before shaking her head slightly. I know that she has been watching
us and I and the fact that Sandile and I have not shared a kiss in her presence has alarmed
her.

“The truth Makhosazana. Nothing but the truth. What is happening between you and your
husband?”

30
Her gaze makes it so hard for me to even think about lying to her- she would see right
through me and I would not know how to defend my lie thereafter.

“Sandile and I have not been happy for a while now. In fact I think our marriage is practically
dead. We have not kissed or had sex in over a year even though we still share a bed, I don’t
know why though. My husband does not share my small or even large achievements with
me. We are literally roommates in this house.” I heave a sigh after saying that.

Never have I thought that I would be sharing this with anyone more especially my mother
in-law.

“So you have not been happy for a year? Makhosazana why have you not been saying
anything?”

“Because believe it or not I thought that things would change. I thought that my husband –
the man that I married would come back to me but I played myself I guess.”

“Is he cheating?” She asks.

I nod lightly as I heave a heavy sigh. This is harder than I thought it would be.

“Why are you still with him baby?”

Her voice is so low and gentle. It almost sounds as if though she wants to breakdown and
cry but she is holding it back.

“I’m comfortable. Sandile is all that I have known for years. Mama I have been with him
since I was twenty three and I do not think I know how to be without him even though izinto
sezikanje.” I say truthfully.

31
When Sandile and I got married I thought that was it. I thought that I had found my prince
charming and that I would live happily ever after with him. I did not prepare myself for the
possibility of being without him EVER. Hence it has been so difficult for me to even think of
getting out of this marriage.

“I love you as my own Khosi and all I want is for you to be happy in this life. Now you are the
best thing that has ever happened to my son and I love you for him but he is not the best
thing that has ever happened to you. You do not cheat on someone that you claim to love.
You do not make them question their worth which I can see you are doing.

How do I live with myself knowing that my son is breaking you apart? How do I sit back and
encourage you to hold onto something that is clearly not serving you anymore? I cannot be
a hypocrite. I cannot go out there and stand in front of women and encourage them to leave
situations where respect is no longer served only to come here and beg you to hold onto my
son.

You honestly have no reason to stay and if you are worried that I will leave with him then
you are mistaken. You are my daughter and I love you so believe that I am not going
anywhere.

Leave Sandile Khosi because even if you do try and work on things, I know that your mind
will always be on the fact that he once cheated.”

She is right about that. I will always be conscious of the fact that he did this and that he
might still be doing it.

“I don’t know how to mama.” I say faintly.

“You pack up and you leave. It is going to hurt as hell but in the end it will be worth it. You
are still young and you can find umuntu who will love you and respect you the way that you
need to be loved and respected.” She says.

32
She pulls me into her arms and I allow myself to get lost and to feel her warmth. I wish my
mother was this warm. Hell she is going to shit on my head for leaving a man that loves me
and blah blah blah.

Sigh.

I’m not ready.

33
-This part of my life is called letting loose

It has been two weeks since I let mama in on everything and strangely enough I feel lighter.
After our conversation we cried and laughed and cried some more before she decided that I
needed to go out and have fun. So we went out for dinner as we had initially planned but
we ended up going to Sibaya instead of Gateway and we caught a show. I remembered that
I was meant to catch one with my husband on our anniversary but that did not happen.

I had not had that much fun in a while and I admit that I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Mama
is a ball of energy and more shame. After dinner she encouraged me to drink which I did and
by the time we left I was beyond good. When we arrived at home we found my dear
husband watching his sports channel while sipping on his drink. It took everything in mama
to not burst and give him a warm klap when he expressed just how unsafe it was for the two
of us to wonder around town alone especially with me drunk and blah blah.

I was a giggling mess as he gave his dumb speech which in turn angered him. When we got
to bed he went off at me for laughing at him in his mother’s presence. I did not even catch
the rest of his rant because I was already half asleep and the second my head hit the pillow I
was gone. The morning that followed, mama and I went out on a spa date which I really
needed. I know that she was doing all those activities with me to make up for her son’s
bullshit but it was not her duty to do so but I do appreciate the gesture.

The day she went back home I cried because that meant our house would go back to being
cold and loveless.

Today I have a lunch date with Stephen and I cannot wait. We have been talking everyday
and I feel like a school girl who has a crush and the fact that he is entertaining me is fuelling
the fire. He asked us to meet at UShaka and I have not been to Durban in a while so I am
excited about being in that environment. The atmosphere in that part is carefree and fun
man unlike in these parts where everyone is just secretly competing with each other. My
neighbour once asked me how my husband and I are able to afford a house in Zimbali and
all these cars that we have. I knew right there and then that she was just a jealous Caucasian
lady.

34
The truth is there will always be people who will be jealous of your success and you know
what, you do not have to react to it which is exactly what I did. I throw on my bodysuit, then
pull up my jeans and put on my sneakers before throwing on my demin jacket. I have my
weave tied up in a ponytail which I think makes me look a few years younger than I actually
am.

Once I am done I grab my bag and make my way out.

“Uyaphi?” Sandile asks.

“Out. Do not wait up.” I shout as I step into my car.

I bet you that my response has him rattled and he is most probably seething right now but I
do not care. His mother told me to regain my freedom and that is exactly what I am doing.
The drive from home to Durban is short because of my playlist. I have the Beyonce
Homecoming album on blast and I am jamming my lungs out. I feel like she needs to re-
record all of her old hits just for me because that Me, Myself and I medley is everything. Her
voice control and the emotion she poured into it, is beyond exceptional.

I call Stephen to let him know that I have arrived and he tells me to find him inside. As I am
walking a group of kids, probably aged between five and eight years of age, run passed me
and my heart somewhat sinks but I quickly mask that pain before it ruins my day. I see
Stephen slowly making his way towards me and I get butterflies in my stomach. He looks so
damn good in his chinos and golf-t paired with a demin jacket. If I didn’t know him I would
definitely pass him by at the mall.

The smile that breaks out onto his smile when our eyes meet is one that will forever be
embedded in my heart. The fact that someone gets this happy to see me is something I do
not think I will ever get used to. Literally each time I am in his presence he makes me feel
wanted. I know he hasn’t said anything about wanting me or anything like that but his
actions just leave me feeling somewhat beautiful which is something that I had doubted for
a while.

35
“You look breathtaking Zana.” He says as he pulls me in for a hug.

“And you look absolutely handsome Mr Green.” I say softly.

His lazy chuckle sends chills throughout my entire body and I cannot handle it. We pull out
of the embrace and share a deep gaze. I could get lost in his eyes all day, every day at that.

“So what is the plan?” I ask breaking eye contact with him.

There he goes chuckling again!

“First let’s start here… how are you Zana?” He asks.

Oh that?

“I am alright thanks and you?”

“Awesome. Happy to be in your presence as always. So I was thinking that we could go see
some dangerous creatures you know.”

I shake my head repeatedly. Konje he is white and white people like these weird and funny
funny things. Argh! I have never thought about walking into that place and I do not want to.
The thought of being in that space with all those snakes and spiders and everything else is
just ergh. Look my skin is already reacting man.

“You can go, I’ll wait for you here.” I say.

36
He looks at me as if though I have lost my marbles. I should be looking at him like that, I
mean he is the one that wants to walk into that pit.

“Absolutely not! We are going in together.”

“Stephen no!”

“Makhosazana yes!”

“I hate snakes though.” I whine.

“But they are in glass cages besides I would never let anything happen to you.”

“Ai Stephen.”

“Please Zana.” He sulks.

Why does he have to look so cute in this moment? I really do not want to do this but damn
it that puppy dog look is really working on me.

“Fine!” I give in. “But should I get bitten by a snake or spider or any other shit, hmmmm
uzongazi wena.”

I say and lead the way. He chortles loudly as he follows closely behind. I do not understand
what he is even laughing at because this situation is not even funny. The second we step in I
am already pissing on myself. It does not help that it is pitch black in here and these snakes
keep hissing. I am already ready to run out but the way things are set up we have to keep
moving forward in order for us to get to the exit.

37
Sigh.

I have resorted to hugging Stephen’s arm and hiding behind him when I get too scared. He
seems to be enjoying my misery because he is just laughing away which is highly annoying
to me honestly. I get like that when I am in situations that have me scared or feeling weak.

When we step out I shake all the bad vibes out while he laughs at me. I am a thirty five year
old woman yet I am out here doing this in public, rhaaaa this white man and his thrill
seeking self!

“That wasn’t bad now was it?”

“You owe me ice cream that is all I am going to say about this.”

“You are such a big baby but come let’s go get your ice cream. Milky lane?”

“Please.” I say dramatically.

I do not know what it is about Stephen that has me behaving and feeling like a kid but I like
it. I also enjoy the fact that he allows me to be kidish – if there is such a word – without
making me feel like I have to behave like an adult all the damn time. We make our way to
milky lane and get me some ice cream before we head out to watch the dolphin show – my
fav!

“Thank you for agreeing to spend some time with me today.” He says so genuinely.

“Thank you for inviting me, I really needed the time out.” I respond.

38
Apart from my time out with mama, I have not been going out really. Since Sandile started
acting up the only time out I have had has been my meetings and I do not think ukuthi that
can even be considered as going out. Yes I occasionally take myself out but it is not the same
as having someone take you out you know.

“You are a pleasure to be around and I wish that I could get the opportunity to spend more
time with you.”

I can feel him looking at me but I dare not look up! I do not want to betray myself because I
know that I am going to say something stupid. So no Makhosazana!

We get to the dolphin show and my level of excitement is unmatched. I feel like a kid in a
candy store and I know that it is only just about to get better. I clap excitedly when they
make their way out. Gosh they are just too darn cute and I honestly wish that I could own
one!

“You like dolphins?” He whispers in my ear.

I nod repeatedly. That should tell him just how much. He shakes his head slightly before
taking out his phone and snapping a few pictures. By the time the show ends my spirit is
lifted and I feel ready to take on the week ahead – dolphins work wonders! We walk out of
there and casually stroll around the park. It is a chilled Saturday and seeing all these cute
families have me yearning for this kind of set up of my own but life.

“So…” He says.

I turn to look at him.

“I was thinking, that is if you don’t mind, that we go to my house and I cook for us or we
could just have lunch here before heading out.”

39
“I’d love to taste your food please.” I say without thinking.

*****

The drive to his home is filled with butterflies. He gave me his address but as he promised is
driving at a reasonable speed and I am following closely behind. Turns out he lives in
Umhlanga Rocks which is suited for him I guess. I remember we considered this location
when we wanted to build but the minute we drove through Zimbali I knew that I wanted to
create memories there.

We drive into the yard and I park behind him then step out of the car. From outside I can
see the spiralling staircase through the large window and I immediately know that I am
going to love the inside.

“Welcome home.” He says.

“You have a beautiful yard.”

“I feel like I need a bit more colour, it is too green, don’t you think?”

“I see what you mean. Yeah a splash of colour will not hurt.” I respond.

Some roses and sunflowers would do.

“Done. Now come, let’s go in.”

He takes my hand and leads me into the house. I am greeted by the most exquisite dining
room set that I have ever laid my eyes on. The table looks as if though is made out of oak
and the black chairs out of leather. It is simple but screams elegance. I think the all white

40
flooring and walls as well as curtain make it pop that much. To my left is the spiralling
staircase which is also white. I think he has a love affair with white. I slowly make my way
towards the sitting area. The rug! I am in love. It is a black Persian rug and I can already tell
that it is the most amazing feel on your feet. I do not want to take off my shoes because I
might just look psycho.

“You have an amazing home Stephen.”

“Thank you. You can put your bag down then come join me in the kitchen. It’s this way.”

I put my bag on the couch then follow him into the kitchen. As I suspected, he has a love
affair with white. The cabinets are all white with red handles to compliment the red stove.
The table in the centre is a wooden table with two red high chairs. His kettle is also red. This
is a deep love affair.

“You love white.” That comes out as more of a statement than a question.

He chuckles lowly revealing a single dimple that I had not really noticed.

“My interior designer suggested the white across the entire house because well I am a
bachelor.”

“Could have gone with grey you know.” I say chuckling.

“Maybe you can add your grey then.”

I laugh while shaking my head. I do not think so. I settle on one of the red high chairs and
watch on as he takes out a few ingredients from the fridge before moving to the pantry. I
have no idea what he is about to make but the manner in which he is manoeuvring around
the kitchen gives me confidence that he knows what he is doing.

41
“Want to help me chop?” He asks.

I nod lightly and jump off of my chair. I am chopping mushrooms while he slices the chicken
breast. We cook in silence and I swear this is some of the most fun that I have ever had. The
last time I cooked with my husband was way before he started cheating so this moment
means a lot to me.

We finish cooking and dish up then head to the living room.

*****

This is the greatest stir fry I have ever had! The use of spices and sauces in this dish is
beyond smart. I did say he looks like he can do the things in the kitchen. I think I am going to
love spending time with him in the kitchen.

“So you once asked about my ex-wife and why we divorced.”

I nod lightly.

“We had a really beautiful marriage in the beginning and as time went on I don’t know what
changed but she ended up cheating on me. I was devastated Zana I did not know how I
would go on but I took some time off and I looked at everything. I asked myself why it was
so easy for her to cheat on me when we had a child together then I asked myself what
would stop her from doing it again?

So I decided to choose myself and I think that was the best decision I had ever made for
myself.”

His words hit me hard. I wish I could as easily choose myself.

42
“Do you know the guy she cheated with?”

“I do and I do not blame him though.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes. I realised that he was not the one who made a vow to respect me and love me until
the end of time.”

“My husband is cheating on me.” I blurt out.

I guess I feel comfortable in this moment to share my story with him.

“Zana…” His voice is faint and filled with pity.

“He has not put his hands on my body in over a year. He has not told me that he loves me in
over year. Basically my marriage has been dead for over a year because he decided to go
out there and find someone who would fulfil what I was not. You know it would have been
better had he told me that he did not want me anymore but instead he is choosing to
embarrass me. He is choosing to make me a laughing stock Stephen. But you know what the
funny thing is?”

“What?”

“I do not know how to leave him. I have no idea how to walk away from thirteen years of
‘love’. Heck I am even questioning whether the love that we shared was even real or not.”

Stephen shakes his head lightly.

43
“Do not start doubting the love you shared before he started cheating. That meant
something to the both of you in the beginning.”

My tears trickle down my face and I do not even attempt to stop them. I need this moment.
I need to let my tears fall and hopefully I will get the strength to leave this man.

“I am so sorry that he is doing this to you. He is honestly letting go of the best thing that
could have ever happened to him. You deserve much more than a man who can so easily
disregard your feelings for over a year.”

I chuckle lightly as I wipe my tears. He thinks I deserve better.

“Anyway.” I say wiping my tears vigorously.

“You’re really beautiful Zana.” He says while gently caressing my face.

I have not felt beautiful in a while. I know for certain that I took what Sandile is doing as a
jab at me. I felt and still feel as if though I am at fault here because if I was still the
Makhosazana that he had met then maybe he would not have cheated right?

“People cheat because of their own reasons Zana, it had and still had nothing to do with
you.”

How did he?! Sigh. I wear my emotions on my face at times.

“I know but I cannot help but feel like it is my fault, like maybe had I done things differently
then we would still be together… You know?” I say.

44
“Yeah I know but the truth is nothing could have stopped him from cheating except for him.
So get those thoughts out of your mind.”

“Thank you for listening.”

“All that and more for you Zana.”

Looking into this man’s eyes is hypnotising me. I swear he is drawing me in and I do not
think that I want to fight it. As he leans closer butterflies dance in my stomach. He has my
face cupped in his hands and my one hand is rested on his thigh. When his cold lips comes in
contact with mine an energy that I have never felt before spreads throughout my entire
body.

This kiss!

This bloody kiss is the one!

The way he is gently sucking on my bottom lip is everything as these young people say. I feel
like I am being transported into an ultimate universe where only he and I reside. I find
myself lying on the carpet and with him on top of me. My hands are on his neck and I am
pulling him closer to my body because the feel of his weight on me is amazing.

45
-This part of my life is called peace… Almost

These days I do not spend my mornings in the shower crying my lungs out. I do not look at
my husband and wish that he could touch me or make love to me. These days I look at my
husband in all his glory and not feel anything. It has been two weeks since Stephen and I
spoke about my situation and I do feel better after talking about it – again.

I remember when I came back home after my date with Stephen I found a very angry
Sandile waiting up for me.

“Ubuyaphi Makhosazana?” His roar filled the entire house.

I just gave him one look before proceeding to our bedroom where he watched on as I
changed into my pyjamas with steam coming out of his ears but I had zero care.

“Uyafeba?” was his follow up question.

I remember laughing so hard that I even had tears coming out of my eyes. That was rich… so
rich coming from him.

“Makhosazana I am talking to you!”

“And can you not tell that I am trying to ignore you?” I asked.

“Dare I find out that you are cheating on me then I will-”

“THEN YOU WILL NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU CANNOT STEP AWAY FROM YOUR WHORE LONG
ENOUGH TO INVETIGATE WHAT YOU WIFE HAS BEEN UP TO!” I screamed at the top of my
lungs.

46
That seems to catch him off guard because he stuttered a little bit. His eyes wondered
around the room before he eventually looked back at me.

“Baby…”

“Please move Sandille I would like to get some shut eye.” I said.

I remember the horror on his face but he tried so hard to mask that look. I could tell that he
knew that I suspected something but he also knew that I would not confront him without
concrete evidence so he left it at that.

He has been somewhat trying to engage with me but I have honestly lost all interest in this
marriage and no, not because of Stephen but because of him.

Sigh.

I am at the office but my mind is not here. I have dinner with Stephen tonight and I cannot
wait! He has promised to whip up some pasta and shrimp and I for one cannot wait to dig
into it. Each time I see Stephen I swear I become a school kid who does not know how to
behave in front of her basketball playing crush but I do try to keep it together and I think I
do.

When the day finally comes to a close, I pack up and head out with a smile so wide plastered
across my face. I have not seen him in two days so I am definitely happy!

*****

He is standing at the door wearing an apron with his sleeves rolled up as I drive in. So bloody
delicious looking! I grab my bag and the bottle of wine and step out of the car. He whistles

47
loudly and I cannot help but blush profusely. He does a pretty good job at cheering me on.
He makes me feel like I am it man! Like I am beautiful and I deserve all the great things of
the world. When I get to him we share a hug before my lips find a home on his just for a few
seconds. As always the kiss is sensual and unhurried and filled with nothing but emotion as
well as passion. The way his hands are gently holding onto my waist pulling me closer
against his body has me feeling the goosies.

We eventually pull back and he cups my face then places a kiss on my forehead before
leading us into the house.

“How was your day?” He asks taking my bag from my hand.

“Tiring. Dealing with annoying investors and argh people with money are arrogant man.”

He chortles loudly even throwing his head back. He drops a pair of flops next to me before
winking at me and going to the stove. A thoughtful man! I kick my shoes off then slide my
feet into the flops before joining him in the kitchen. He instructs me to grab the plates and
glasses then pour the wine. Today we are going to cook together whether he likes it or not
shame.

“How was your day Mr Green?”

“Amazing! We shoot the best scene that I have ever seen and I think it is going to stun a lot
of people.”

The excitement on his face as he says this cannot be missed. He loves what he does and it
shows. Personally I think that passion looks very sexy on a man. PERIOD!

“I should come visit you on set one day.” I say chuckling.

48
“You should. Oh yes you definitely should.”

“Hmmm. You know I have been spending all this time with you and I have no idea how old
you are.” I say shyly.

Not that his age matters to me but I just feel like that is the first thing you ask a person
when you start getting to know each other, no?

“I guess I do not look my age which is a plus.” He is laughing.

“I know that you are older than me only because you have a fifteen year old daughter that
you had when you were already married.”

His laugh is infectious I have to give him that. He wipes his hands and walks over to me then
cups my face.

“I am a whole forty seven years old and you?”

I giggle sweetly.

“A whole thirty five.”

“A whole lot of fire is what you are baby.” He places a sweet kiss on my lips.

Stephen is very affectionate which is something that I love and appreciate highly. The fact
that he is not ashamed to show me what he is feeling or just how badly he wants to touch
me in the moment is everything and more.

49
“You are just too sweet Mr Green.” I say sweetly.

“So…”

I look up and I find him looking at me innocently. How he looks so cute!

“Yes?”

“I’m going to Canada in a few weeks and I would really like you to come with me.”

“Steph…”

“You can use this as a break from your life and all the over thinking. You deserve a break
Zana.”

“Yes but I am still a married woman.” I say softly.

“Do you think you would ever divorce him?” I might be wrong but I think he sounds a bit
low.

The truth is that I do not know whether or not I am going to go through with the divorce or
not. As much as Sandile is taking me for a poes I have this fear that I am going to leave the
marriage then what will become of me?

“Stephen.” I say faintly.

“I understand but just remember that you deserve way more than what he is giving you.”

50
He focuses on his pots while I take a sip of my wine. I know that I deserve a whole lot more
than what Sandile is dishing up but like I have said, I do not know how to move on from our
marriage. How do I choose myself and file for divorce? How do I pack up and leave thirteen
years? I am so scared. I am really scared.

“Hey hey hey, look at me.” Stephen says cupping my face.

I look up and I find his concerned face looking at me.

“I am sorry if what I asked made you feel uncomfortable.”

“No you didn’t, I just-”

“Still I am sorry. Can we just have our dinner over great flowing conversation?” He asks.

I nod lightly before placing a soft peck on his lips. Will I ever get used to the fact that I have
lips to kiss now. From having zero attention from a man to all this attention from Stephen, it
is all just, I do not even know how to feel about it but I am just going to flow with it.

*****

“Do I have to compliment your kitchen skills each time we share meal that has been
prepared by you?” I ask teasingly.

He chuckles lightly and rolls his eyes. He has these moments where you can see some of his
daughter’s influences like this eye roll he just gave me. I mean a whole forty seven year old
man rolling his eyes. Shocking!

51
“I do not mind hearing you tell me just how great of a chef I am so, yes you do have to
compliment my kitchen skills every time.”

Cocky much? That smirk on his face says it all. That time we made this meal together, mxm.
We are seated in the floor because I have expressed just how much I am in love with his
Persian rug. It just feels so amazing on my skin and I cannot help but rub up on it each time I
am here.

“Okay then chef cool.” I say with a giggle.

Just as we are enjoying our meal the intercom rings and he rushes to go and answer. I
wonder who it is because according to my knowledge the only person that comes to this
house is his daughter. He walks back in looking a tad livid.

“What’s wrong?” I ask as I get up from the floor.

He shakes his head and walks away going to open the door.

“What the hell Katie?!” He roars.

Oh his daughter… wait his daughter? What is she doing here during the week and does that
mean her mother is outside?

“I just needed to come here dad.” Her sweet voice comes through.

“With a fucken uber all on your own?” He continues roaring.

I do not know whether or not it would be appropriate for me to step in and attempt to save
the poor child from her father’s wrath. I have never heard him so angry before.

52
“I’m sorry.”

“Where is your mother?”

“At work.”

“Why couldn’t you wait for her?”

“I’m sorry daddy.”

“Argh.” He says before turning around and walking up the stairs.

Katie looks like she is about to burst into tears when she looks up and sees me. Her face
goes from shock to something else what I cannot quite explain before settling on ‘cool’.

“Hi.” She greets me.

“Hi, I’m Makhosazana. You must be Katie.”

“I am. Nice to meet you ma’am.” She says.

“No no no please call me Zana not ma’am.”

“Okay Zana.”

53
Just then Stephen comes down the stairs with his car keys in his hand. He has changed into
casual wear but he is still wearing that angry face.

“Grab your bag. Let’s go.” He says looking at his daughter.

“Daddy please not don’t please… I am begging you!” She cries out.

My heart breaks for her. I wonder what happened between her and her mother that has her
wanting to be here so badly. From what I know she has a great relationship with both
parents and she is not a troublesome kid.

“FUCK KATIE LET’S GO NOW!”

“STEPHEN STOP!” I yell.

I did not want to get involved but the use of vulgar language directly at his daughter is not
on. What he is supposed to do is to call her aside and have a conversation with her, not
whatever it is that he is doing right now. He turns to look at me and I can see the rage
burning in his eyes but I do not care. This is not how you address your children!

“Just go to your room Katie.” He says softly.

You do not need to tell her twice because she bolts up those stairs like Usain. I am left with
this man who looks so defeated in this moment.

“Talk to me. Why were you so hard on her?” I ask as I wrap my arms around his waist.

54
He heaves a sigh before reciprocating my hug. His heart is racing and his body is slightly
shaking. I can tell that he is having a hard time trying to calm himself down. I rub his back
gently hoping that that will help.

“Why didn’t she call me if she wanted to come? Why did she have to get into an uber all on
her own? I don’t know what I would have done had something happened to her Zana.” He
says the last part in a whisper.

A father’s love! He was worried about her safety. It is funny how you go crazy whilst the
exact same thing that you feared did not happen. I mean she is here in front of him, safe
and unscathed but the human brain says you have to go crazy. The psychology of it all. Quite
amusing.

“Hey, but she is here. She made it home safely.” I say.

“What she did was irresponsible.” He slightly raises his voice.

“I understand but she is here and that is all that should matter in this moment baby.” I keep
my voice calm.

He pulls me closer and tightens his grip around my body. I can feel his body relaxing a little
bit and his breathing and heart rate is finally regular. We stand in this position for a little
while before he pulls back and places a kiss on my forehead. In this moment I feel so much
at peace. Just being in his arms has this calming effect on me that I so greatly deserve. The
calm kind of life.

“You are amazing you know that.” He says looking me dead in the eye.

“Ditto.” I say to him.

55
The amount of warmth in his eyes cannot be mistaken for anything other than care. He truly
and unconditionally does care for me.

“Let me go check if she is okay.” I say.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I know. Which one is her room?”

He directs me and I make my way up with my heart in my stomach while my stomach is not
knots. What the hell am I even going to say to a fifteen year old? I am nothing but her
father’s friend or something. Actually I have no idea what Stephen and I are. Anyway what
do I say to a fully grown human? Well it is too late to think about it because I have knocked
and she has shouted for me to come in.

I walk in and find her hugging her pillow closely. She looks like she is crying, argh poor baby.

“Katie.” I say softly.

“Yeah.”

“Mind if I sit?”

“Sure.”

I settle on the bed next to her as I say a mini prayer to God asking him for strength and
wisdom for this talk.

56
“I am not here to make excuses for your father but I do want to just say that his outburst
was caused by the fact that he was worried about you. The fact that you got into an uber all
on your own when the uber stories we hear are so horrid petrified him.”

“I know that I should have been a bit more responsible. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay angel. All that matters is that you are safe. Now would you like to go and tell your
old man why you left your mother’s without notifying anyone?”

“Mom does not care, well not of late. She is always at the office so I doubt that she will even
notice that I am gone.”

Yhuuu what do I say? What is my response supposed to be? I do not have a response
bakithi! When I came here today I did not think that I would be comforting a fifteen year old
girl.

“Have you thought about speaking to your dad about how you feel?” I ask.

“I’m scared.” She responds softly.

“You shouldn’t be angel that man is your father and he loves you with everything in him.
Just have a chat with him okay. He might surprise you.”

She looks up at me with those beautiful marble eyes of hers and my heart melts. She really
is precious.

“Thank you Zana.”

She shifts closer to me and rests her head on my stomach completely shocking me.

57
“You are welcome my angel.” I say brushing her head.

*****

Rolling out of bed this morning I had a smile on my face as I have over the past weeks
however today’s smile was a tad different. My smile is wider and my heart lighter as I sing in
the shower. I do not remember when last I sang my lungs out and I must say it feels so darn
good! I finish up then wrap a towel around my body after stepping out of the shower. After
applying lotion all over my body I step into my white knee length bodycon dress then into
my pink louboutin’s. I complete my look with a pink lip before grabbing my bags and
heading down.

Hawu he’s still here? I grab my smoothie and muffin from the fridge and I can feel his eyes
on me as I do this. When I got home last night he was still up watching TV and I did not even
bother to greet or say anything to him. All I did was change into my pyjamas then slid into
bed and drifted off into lala land with Stephen on my mind.

“Makhosazana.”

“Sandile.”

“Do you have a meeting today?”

I turn around to face him. He has on his guilty face. It is almost comical.

“No why?”

“Just asking.”

58
“Hmm okay bye bye.” I do not even wait for his response as I dash out.

I must look that damn good if it has him feeling this way. Mxm who am I kidding I look like
fire! I am fire! As I am about to step into the car he walks into the garage asking me why I
am taking his car. Habe! I thought these were ours.

“Am I not allowed to drive it?” I ask.

“You are kodwa I’m going on site today and I need a car that can withstand the gravel. You
know these low cars are not made for gravel.”

Oh I bet it has everything to do with work. My gut tells me that it is his bitch’s favourite ride
and she is the site he is going on. I roll my eyes as I head back inside to grab the keys to MY
beamer. This I bought for myself, by myself, without him. I blast my playlist and drive out.
He will not kill my mood.

*****

Today has been a very hectic day, we are working on the budget for the new production and
I am getting calls and emails ngathi I run a drug den! I throw myself on the couch heaving a
sigh. I have a feeling that I am going to be here the entire night. Just as I am about to close
my eyes the door opens and my husband walks in. I thought he was going on site today. Also
Mazibuko has not been here in a while – I wonder what he wants.

“Mrs Mazibuko.”

“Hello.” He settles on the couch.

“I was in the area and I just thought maybe we could grab a quick bite.”

59
He is probably just trying to fish for how much I know about his little side activity. I knew
that he caught what I threw out.

“Yho you caught me at such a bad time, sibusy busy busy.” I say.

A knock comes through the door and I shout for the person to come in. A young gentleman
walks in with a basket in his hand.

“Mrs Mazibuko?” He asks.

I nod lightly as I get up. This husband of mine is throwing daggers with his eyes but I could
not care any less.

“Is that for me?” I ask.

“Yes ma’am, please sign here.” He says handing me the clipboard then places the basket on
the table.

I sign then hand him back his clipboard before thanking him.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” Sandile says.

Firstly what is he even doing here? Secondly how is my package any of his concern? Nxaaa!

“Angina skhath’sakho Mazibuko, so please leave.” I say with my annoyance clearly audible in
my voice.

60
Why am I still pretending? Why am I still holding on to this dead marriage? Why am I so
afraid to walk out of this marriage?

He chuckles lightly as he gets up. He walks over to me, places a kiss on my cheek before
stepping back.

“I’ll see you later.” He says before walking out.

Damn it Makhosazana!

I open the basket and the first thing I see are the strawberries then the letter. I reach for it
and the moment I see Stephen’s name my stomach begins to go crazy, summersaults and
all.

“Zana… No wait my beautiful Zana, yes that sounds about right.

Firstly thank you for dinner last night, I haven’t had such a mouth watering home cooked
meal in a while so I appreciate it. I also want to thank you for helping me out with Katie, I
almost killed her. Okay not literally but still.

And lastly I cannot wait to taste those sweet and sultry lips again.

I do not know what it is about you that has me feeling this way but I like it!

Have a great day Zana.

Love Stephen.”

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My cheeks are stiff from all this smiling. Gosh how can something so absolutely wrong feel
so damn good? Stephen sure does know how to make me giddy. Also last night he was
boasting about how he made that meal on his own and now it is all on me? Ei amadoda. I
reach for my phone and quickly dial his number.

“Makhosazana.” He answers cheerfully.

How he always gets so excited to speak to me is just amazing for my non-existent ego.

“Mr Green. I just received to delivery, thank you.” I say with a full blown smile on my face.

“I just wanted to give you a little something just to say thank you for last night. I really
appreciate it. The company and the talk that you had with Katie, it means a lot to me.”

“It was nothing man. As long as she let you in on what is happening. That is all that
matters.” I say.

I mean I could not just sit back and watch a young girl cry herself to sleep and not step in.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too Stephen.” I am sulking.

I know that this entire situation is messed up but I cannot help but feel the way that I do.

“I am still going to Canada.” He says sounding like he is sulking.

62
I would like nothing but to go to Canada with him but we unfortunately cannot. The way
things are between my husband and I, I cannot afford to go out there and fall head over
heels in love with Stephen before I deal with the Stephen issue.

“I know and I am still considering it.”

He chuckles lightly. I can imagine that dimple of his. He really is sexy.

“Maybe we could do a different trip and not a work trip?” He asks.

“Maybe that might work out better.” I respond.

Yes! I prefer that because with this trip he is going with his entire team. Imagine I am there
as an outsider ngeke.

“We will chat about it then.”

“Okay.”

“Later.”

“Later.” I say before hanging up.

Sigh!

This feels so bloody good! Damn it!

63
-This part of my life is called making decisions

As usual I use my time in the shower to reflect on everything that has been taking place in
my life as of late. The development of my relationship with Stephen, wait can we even call it
a relationship, I get that we are spending all this time together and whenever I am with him
I feel as light as a feather. All my problems disappear and I am just a giddy Makhosazana but
does that equate to a relationship? I don’t know.

Gosh, I do miss him though. He is out in Canada filming the pilot episode of his latest
offering and just like his other shows I know that it is going to be a hit. Stephen has this
interesting creative mind that gets me all the time. Before we started doing breakfast and
lunch dates I was never really that deep into the production side of the business, I stayed
where I was needed which was the financing of the our productions and that was it but
Stephen has reeled me in and now I actually enjoy going on set which is still a tad shocking
to most of my co-workers but hey anginandaba.

As I am lost in my thoughts I feel a breeze before I feel his hand around my waist which has
me so tensed up. I haven’t shared a shower with this man in so long that I do not even know
how to act in this moment.

“MaSithole.” He whispers gently in my ear.

That should have me crumbling in his arms but instead it is repelling me. Actually I just want
to be in Stephen’s arms. Yes I would much rather be in the shower with him than with my
husband of ten years – how sad right?

“Sandile.”

“I miss you.” He says.

64
He trails his hand from my stomach down to my thigh before gently cupping my vagina.
Now look at my bloody body betraying me. Heck I haven’t had sex in over a year and I am
thirsty. Fok! His thumb finds my clit and begins to circle it while I moan lowly as his other
hand paying attention to my left breast. This should be a very special moment between
husband and my wife but damn it my mind is not having any of it!

“I love you so much maSithole.” He says placing a wet kiss on my neck.

He loves me?

He loves me?

Ngeke sbali!

I push him back while shaking my head as I turn to face him. His hard rod is ready for action
with all its veins popped out and precum oozing. I could but I will not.

“I need to get ready.” I say stepping out of the shower.

Uyanginyela lo!

I walk into the closet and peruse through my wardrobe looking for something to wear. My
mind is still stuck on what transpired in the shower. I know that Sandile’s action has
everything to do with my late nights. Yes whenever I am out with Stephen I come home
late… very late. I know that he has questions about my whereabouts and the giggles when I
am staring at my screen but I do not care. I find it funny how he completely disregarded my
existence in his life for an entire year but the second I get a little bit of attention he behaves
like a little boy whose favourite toy has been snatched out of his hands. Rhaaaa!

65
I finally settle on a maxi dress with a blazer and sneakers – it is casual day for me today I
guess. He walks in just as I finish putting my shoes on. If I did not know better I would say
that my response to his attempted seduction put a damper on his mood but I know that is
size piece will comfort him later on.

“Please come home early tonight, I would like us to talk.” He says.

I turn to look at him and he is staring at me, him and his hard rod. Gosh I have not had some
in so long that my clit is twitching uncontrollably. If I do not get out f here this instant I
might just find myself under this man.

“Okay Mazibuko.” I say before grabbing my bag and rushing out.

I know that he did that on purpose. As much as I pushed him away, he saw that his actions
did have an effect on me. Damn him! I do wonder though what it is that he could possibly
want us to talk about. Sizobona khona. I slide into my car then drive out. I know that I do not
have a lot of work today so I can knock off early. I might just drive into Durban just to get
myself some spiced pineapple and a bunny chow.

My phone rings… I do not think that I want to answer this call. My mother is not someone
that I want to talk to right now. Just as I breathe a sigh of relief that she hung up, it rings
again. Argh.

“Ma.”

“Makhosazana kunjani?”

“Ngiyaphila unjani wena mama.”

“Angikho right.”

66
Sigh. Here we go!

“What seems to be the problem?” I ask.

“What is this that I hear about you going up and down, painting the town red and coming
home in the wee hours of the morning?”

Of course Sandile had to go running to my mother instead of addressing me. SMH. See the
thing is, Sandile knows that my mother is all for this marriage and she feels as if though
Sandile is the right man for me hence I have not even bothered to let her in on his activities.
I know that she will tell me about how much of a great man Sandile is and how he made a
mistake and how much I have to hold on and persevere because marriage is hard. She will
not care about what this has done to my confidence just as long as I stay married to that
man.

“Oh and where did you get all of that?” I ask calmly.

“From the horse’s mouth?”

“Did I call you and tell you all of that because looking at it, I am supposed to be the horse in
this situation. So when did I call you ma wami to tell you that I get home in the wee hours of
the morning?” I ask.

I can tell that she is breathing fire and that she wants to burst. Well I do not care! She can
burst all she wants yena no Sandile wakhe for that matter.

“Ukhuluma nami kanjalo?”

“Mother I am driving. Is there anything else?”

67
“When your husband leaves you-”

“I will be happy.” I cut her off.

“Makhosazana!” she shouts.

I know that she was not expecting that response. To be honest with you, I surprised myself
as well there. But it is the truth though, if Sandile left me I would be happy.

“You and Sandile seem to think that he is some kind of god, well he is not. So bye bye ma,
oh and please tell your son in-law to address things with me instead of running to you.” I say
before hanging up.

I am livid! How dare Mazibuko go off and tell my mother this? Is that why he wants us to
talk? Because he had a chat with my mother? Actually you know what? Maybe we need to
have this talk. Maybe we need to talk about how dead and buried our marriage is. Maybe
we need to let go of each other and start afresh because like mama said, I will be so
insecure if I were to give us another chance. I would always have the fact that he cheated on
me and might possibly be cheating on me at the back of my mind.

This might be it.

The end of my marriage.

*****

As expected the day is going slow, so slow that I have resorted to catching up on my series. I
have not spoken to Stephen since three days ago and I miss him terribly. Yes I know I should
not but I cannot help it, that man is slowly creeping into this lonely heart of mine. I have

68
been keeping in touch with Katie because she had asked if she could call me when things
were weighing heavily on her. Apparently I am easy to talk to, I just think that it has
everything to do with the fact that it is easier to talk to a stranger than it is to your parents.

Stephen obviously appreciates that I am somewhat building a relationship with his

daughter. I never thought that I would somewhat have to mother a child, let alone a grown
ass human being. I mean where do you even begin to form a bond with a teenager?

Anyway, I am trying to get into this whole Game Of Thrones thing that has everyone up in
arms. All I know is that it, oh hell I know nothing about this. I am on episode one and I can
tell that I will be wasting my time by going further than this because I have no idea what is
happening. It literally looks like one of those western, olden like Jesus days kind of series.
No thank you. I scroll down and settle on Grownish because who does not want to feel like a
freshman again?

A knock comes through the door and I spring to my feet to go open. My heart swells at the
sight of Stephen carrying a bunch of flowers and a takeaway bag in his hands. I thought he
was only coming back next week. I step aside and he walks in. I cannot contain my
excitement. The second I close the door, I jump on him and luckily none of us go down. I
have missed him so much.

“Could you please me put these on the table so that I can give you a proper greeting?” He
says laughing.

Oh right! I step out of his embrace and watch as he takes his time putting the food and
flowers on the table. He is doing this n purpose because he knows just how much I want to
embrace him right now.

“Stephen.” I whine.

He chortles while shaking his head.

69
“Seems like I was missed.”

Damn right he was! He gently pulls me into his arms and holds on to me tightly. Something
passes through me that I just do not quite get but I quickly push it aside and focus on this
moment. His embrace is filled with nothing but warmth.

“I thought you were only coming back next week.” I say.

“I wanted to surprise you.” He responds.

“Well it is a very pleasant surprise I must admit.”

“I thought you might say that. I bought us food.”

We pull apart from our embrace and settle on the couch. Food, in my office… I really do not
think so. I have mentioned that I do not eat in my office and I do not think that I am about to
start now.

“Let’s go to the boardroom.” I say.

He chuckles lightly while shaking his head.

“Why?”

“Because I do not eat in my office.” I say softly.

“Why?”

70
I shrug.

“I just don’t.”

“Well we are going to start today.” He says as he reaches for the food.

“Stephen no.” I yell.

The thought of staining my office is terrifying me. I just cannot.

“Makhosazana yes.”

“We are going to stain my carpet.” I say sulking.

“I will personally clean it should that happen. I promise you.”

I hesitantly slide down onto the ground. I don’t know why I think that the carpet will be
much safe if I am as close to it as possible. He joins me on the floor and sets out or food
before us. Chinese – yum! I reach for a wonton and I throw it in my mouth. I am in food
heaven right now.

“Look at you enjoying those wontons on the very carpet that you did not want us to sit on.”

He is mocking me this one and I see him!

“Leave me alone.”

71
“So you are a food monster. Why have I never seen this side of you?” He asks in laughter.

Food monster? What the hell is that? Argh I do not even care, as long as I get to enjoy my
meal, ngiright shame. I can feel his eyes on me and it is taking everything in me not to blush
right now. I do not think that anyone looks cute trying to look cute while their mouth is
stuffed with food.

“So Zana can we do dinner at my house tonight?” He asks.

I turn slowly to face him while shaking my head. He tilts his head and looks at me
expectantly with his eyebrow raised. How do I tell him that I have a meeting with my
husband without sounding a bit insensitive?

“I have a family meeting.” I finally say once I have swallowed.

“Oh you and your husband?” He asks.

I can see the hurt on his face. sigh.

“And my mother.” I lie.

I guess a part of me wants to protect him at all costs. He has been the eye of the storm over
the past couple of weeks and the last thing you want to do is disrupt that calm right?

“Oh?”

“Yeah, it turns out hubby dearest went crying to my mother about my late nights and so she
blew a gasket and well here we are.”

72
“Does she know about him going outside of your marriage?” He asks.

“No, she does not and I believe that when she finds out she will still convince me to stay so
it makes no difference really.” I say shrugging.

“My mother also had a problem when I decided to file for divorce. She tried so hard to
convince me that these things happen, and that people cheat sometimes. I had to put my
foot down and do what was best for me. Mother’s often think that they know best and
sometimes they do but other times, not so much. My mother tried to make me stay in a
marriage that would have ended up killing me emotionally and psychologically. As much as
she loved Jas, I just could not stay for her or Katie because in the end I would have been a
bitter parent to Katie.

So when it comes down to it, choose yourself, and I am not just saying this so that I can get
an opportunity to make an official move on you but I am saying this because you deserve
that much more. Even if you do not end up with anyone in the end, as long as you regain
your confidence back as well as your sense of worth.” He says while caressing my hand.

My sense of worth… I did not even realise that I was questioning it so hard. Yes I had
questions about what I did wrong and why it was so easy for him to do this to me but
hearing someone else touch on it makes me realise that I have somewhat been wearing it
on my sleeve. Sandile really has messed with me.

“Anyway, enough heavy talk… So have you thought about my offer?” He asks.

“And which offer is that Mr Green?”

“You… Me… Together… A holiday.”

I chortle. The way he said it just makes it that much extra. I have been thinking about it, yes
and I would actually like to go away just to clear my mind and enjoy myself a little. I need to
‘do me’

73
“I have and I would like that very much.”

Watching him go from nervous to a full on beam is so heart warming. That broad, Colgate
bright smile can lighten up anyone’s day I tell you. Stephen has that ability to just lighten up
the mood as well as the room. I would like to believe that he is an angel in human form
because wow!

“Great! I will sort everything out. Just let me know when you can take some time off so that
we can go out there and explore the world!”

I giggle sweetly. Oh Stephen!

*****

When I left the office, I was dreading going back home, so I decided to drive a tad slow and I
was so happy when I found myself waiting in traffic like everyone else which gave me time
to think about what I would say to Sandile. I know that he is going to twist things and play
the victim which he is not in all honesty but I doubt that he will see that because he is
selfish. He was not always this inconsiderate though, in fact he was the greatest man that I
have ever dated. I guess that is the biggest reason why I am struggling with this whole idea
of getting a divorce.

Sandile was the sweetest, most considerate and loving guy that had ever approached me.
When we started dating, I was doing my honours in finance and he was still pursuing his
degree in engineering. He was not a nerd but he was very focused on his books, so much so
that his friends would make fun of me for sticking with someone who did not know what fun
was, but I knew that in the end his focus and passion would pay off in the end.

On days when he was not studying we would cuddle in bed at his apartment which he
shared with a friend and we would just talk about our aspirations in life. He always knew
that he wanted to have his own construction company and he always said that he would be

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one of the biggest and largest contractors in Mzansi, and you know what? I believed him.
The amount of love he had and still has for it is out of this world and we know that if you
have passion for what you do then you can go very far.

I remember how he would take my hand in his then locks our fingers together before telling
me that he would marry me. He literally told me that every single day and each time I would
giggle and brush him off because I did not think that we would make it. The day he made
love to me for the first time, I swear I was transported to a different realm. His gentle slow
strokes had me moaning his name so softly and so passionately. In that moment I knew that
our souls were connected. With each stroke he looked me deep in my eyes and told me how
much he loved me and I would softly whisper it back with tears threatening my eyes.

After that first encounter, the rest that followed were filled with the same amount of
passion and need, if not more. Our connection was solidified and by the time we touched on
my condition I knew that he did indeed love me for me and not what I could give him. Even
when I insisted that he could be set free, he told me that he was going nowhere. He
reassured me for the love that he had for me and that he was all about me and only me.

The thought that the love that we shared is about to end like that is heartbreaking because I
really did believe that was going to spend the rest of my life with this man. I had believed
that we were going to conquer the universe side by side but unfortunately that is not the
case.

I arrive home and I spend a few minutes in the car gathering some strength before heading
in. When I step in, I am hit by the most mouth watering aroma. The living room has been
transformed into an indoor picnic scene. It looks so beautiful. Sandile walks in carrying a
casserole dish and gently places it on top of the placement mat. I am stunned. This man
never cooks, well let me say has not cooked in a very long time that I even forgot that he
actually has the ability to.

“Go get changed, dinner will be ready in a few.” He says then disappears back to the
kitchen.

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I am frozen. I do not know how to react to this scene that has been set before my eyes. Is
this the conversation he wanted to have? I do not know how I feel about this, I really do not.
I make my way up to our room to go and change. I settle on a maxi dress then head back
down to the living room for dinner where find him already seated and sipping on his
whiskey.

“I have always loved that dress.” He comments.

I chuckle lightly as I settle down on the cushion. My mind still cannot grasp what is going on.

“This looks beautiful. What is the occasion?” I ask.

“Nothing, I just wanted to treat my wife.”

“Oh…” I cannot hide the shock.

“I know that things have not been exactly great between us and I would like to apologise for
that. I would actually like us to work on things and go back to that place we were once in. I
want us to be happy again.” He says.

Oh I could just puke right now. The only reason this is being said at this point in time is
because he has noticed that I am glowing these days and all the late nights. He probably
knows what’s up!

“Yazi Sandile, I never thought that I, well, we would find ourselves in such a situation. I
never, not even in my wildest dreams, thought that you and I would be sitting here talking
about this one day. I never thought that I would be one of those women who cry themselves
to sleep because their husband’s are cheating on them.”

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He gives me a bewildered look. He really did think that I would never raise this issue. I mean
he really caught the hint that I threw at him a while back but I guess the fact that I did not
bring it up again made him believe that I was just grasping at straws.

“Makhosazana…” He utters softly.

“For an entire year I spent each and every night crying as mi watched my husband drift away
from me slowly. It hurt Sandile, so damn much at that. Each night you came home with a
smile on your face yet I was not the one that put it there. Our conversations ceased to exist
and so did our sex life. I watched as you fell out of love with me and more in love with her.
You forgot some of the most important dates in my life. My birthday, my very important
meetings, the deals that I have had the honour of closing, almost everything including our
anniversary.

Each and every morning for the past year I would step into the shower and cry my lungs out.
I would look myself in the mirror and wonder what it was that I was lacking that forced you
to go outside of our marriage for it. I thought that maybe you had finally gotten tired of not
having children so you were out there looking for someone who would bare you an heir.

You have hurt me so much and I do not think that you realise just how deep the damage you
have caused is. My confidence is almost non-existent and I question my worth and beauty at
every turn. Whenever a man approaches me I just think that all he wants is to smash and
run and that is all because of you. You broke me and I do not think that we can move past
that.

As much as I love you I cannot look past this betrayal. I would always feel so insecure about
your whereabouts and each time you smile or laugh when you are on your phone I would
always wonder whether or not you are cheating.”

I have said a mouthful and as I draw I deep breath my tears decide that it is time to cascade
down my cheeks. This has been weighing so heavily on my chest and now that I am saying it
out loud to his face it feels surreal.

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“MaSithole wami.” He also has tears falling down his face.

He slides closer to me then pulls me into his arms and rests my head on his chest. A
ferocious cry escapes my lips and I do not even attempt to stop it. I need to let this out and I
am glad that he is giving me my chance to. He has hurt me so badly…so so bad and it hurts.
It is a deep cut in my heart that I do not think will heal any time soon.

“I am so sorry love… Ngiyaxolisa.” He whispers in my ear.

I do not want his apology. I do not want anything from him. I eventually pull myself together
and pull out of his embrace. I can see the regret on his face however it is a little too late for
that.

“Why did you do it?” I ask faintly.

He heaves a sigh and rubs his face in frustration. I need to know.

“I have no real reason for it.”

“Okay then where did you meet?”

The look that he is giving me is saying ‘please don’t do this’ but he knows me well enough to
know that I will not back down. I want answers. Heck I deserve answer and it is answers that
he will give me!

“We met at a restaurant.” He says softly.

“Qhubeka and do not make me ask you to continue” I spit out.

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He heaves a sigh.

“We just started talking and at first it was business but then things progressed and it
became physical. When we started having sex initially I stopped having sex with you
because I felt guilty but I guess as time went on I just got so used to not touching you. Our
arrangement was strictly sex but somewhere along the line feelings developed but I swear
baby I cut that shit off. The thought of being with someone who was not you for the rest of
my life, I just could not so we took a break until we decided to end things.”

“Hmmm and when was that?”

“Before our anniversary.”

“Hmmm that is very funny because I recall you being on the phone with her just before we
had to leave for our dinner and you telling her that you loved her. In my fucken bedroom
you told your whore that you loved her while I was just a few meters away. The disrespect
Mazibuko. The fucken disrespect then you sit here and tell me that you ended things? What
a joke! What a fucken joke! Kushukuthi when you look at me you see a clown ne? your own
personal toy?”

Now I am livid! How the hell does he just lie to me like that? But then again he has been
lying to me for so long that it seems like second nature. You cannot expect the truth from a
man who has been living a lie for a year.

“Makhosazana.”

His voice is lower than it was a second ago and I know that he is trying to use his ‘soft’
approach to get me to calm down. It usually works but this is not like all those other times.

“You do not respect me Sandile and I doubt you ever will. So this is what is going to happen,
you can go and be with the love of your life because you and I are through.”

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He shakes his head repeatedly. His tears are flowing freely down his cheeks but if you look
closely you can see the anger flashing in his eyes.

“Sthandwa sami please I am begging you.”

“Like I said, it will never be the same again. I love you yes but I think I need to love myself a
bit more than I do you.” I say then get up.

My heart has just been thrown into tethers. Thirteen years of loving him and putting effort
into making us work, gone just like that. But like Stephen said, I should not doubt all the
years that we shared because of the events of the past year.

“Baby I am sorry. Please give me another chance.” He begs me.

He gets up and tries to take my hand in his but I pull it back. He has no right to touch me
right now.

“IT IS TOO LATE FOR THAT.” I find myself yelling.

I usually approach arguments in a softer tone but this one does not deserve me to be calm.

“IS IT BECAUSE OF HIM?” He yells back.

“Who?” I ask clearly puzzled.

“Him Makhosazana.” He says defeated.

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“Huh?”

“I see the effort you are putting in lately. Your glow is different and you are happier these
days. You go out more and you smile more often. You sing in the shower now and your
phone is always pinging. I know that you are getting attention from someone and I am
certain that it is from a man.”

“So what you are basically saying is that you now understand and feel what I have been
feeling for a year. Well for your information self-love, self-care is a thing. I do not need to
dress up to try and impress a man. I do what I do for myself because I want to. You never
noticed when I put in this amount of effort for you because something else was doing the
same thing angithi and that is where your attention was.

I will find a place for the time being. Hopefully we can get the divorce process started as
soon as possible.”

“Khosi…”

“We had a good run but we cannot play on broken strings, it just doesn’t work. You do not
feel the same anymore and it would not be fair on either of us to continue on a broken
surface.” I say sadly.

He nods lightly. The both of us are crying and we can’t even comfort each other.

“I do not want to let you go though.”

“Do you love me?” I ask.

“I do, damn it you know that I do!”

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“Then set me free. You do not love me as you should and that is toxic. Let me go.”

“Khosi.”

“Sandile.”

“I am sorry for everything. For making you feel less than you actually are. Please forgive
me.” He says sincerely.

I nod lightly before turning on my heels and making my way to our bedroom. The second I
close the door I slide to the floor and allow myself to freely sob. This knife in my heart will
take a while to pull out.

And just like that…

My marriage is OVER.

Sandile and Makhosazana Mazibuko are no more!

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-This part of my life is called discovering

It has been a few weeks since Sandile and I had that conversation and I must admit it has
been hard. I thought that because it was already over before we made it official that it
would not hurt as much but it does. I moved out of our home the following day and I have
since found myself a two bedroom apartment. We have also met up to have a conversation
about our divorce and I have made it clear that I do not want his money.

We got married in community of property but I honestly want nothing from Sandile. He is
checking with his team of lawyers and I hope and pray that that does not take an entire
year, although he did promise not to drag the divorce so I am hoping that he will keep his
word.

I am currently packing for my trip with Stephen. We eventually settled on London and I for
one cannot wait. I cannot wait to be away from everything and everyone more especially
my mother. So I have not exactly told her about the divorce but I know that Mazibuko will
do the honours on that front even if he does not she will find out in due time. I just do not
have the energy to deal with her drama and I definitely cannot stand for her shouting at me
and going on about how much of a good man Sandile is. Argh so I will deal with her when I
come back.

I am having such a hard time picking what to take and what to leave but I guess what I do
not have I will buy when I get to our destination. I eventually zip my large suitcase then drag
it all the way to the living room before making my way back to the bedroom. I am spending
the night at Stephen’s tonight because we board very early in the morning. I step into the
shower and stand under the water and allow it to wash away my anxiety. This is my first trip
with a man that is not my husband. I have no idea how this trip is going to go but I am
hoping and praying for the best.

I am however concerned, what if Stephen and I are not as compatible as we think we are.
What if we get there and the entire trip is a disaster? My goodness what if he realises that
this – whatever it is, was just a mistake. Double the heartbreak in such a short space of time,
I could never survive.

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Once I finish I step out of the shower and drape a towel around my body then make my way
back into my bedroom to get dressed. Stephen promised to be here after work so he should
be here any minute now.

Speak of the devil!

“Hey.” I answer my phone enthusiastically.

“Zana, buzz me in please.” He says sweetly.

I do as I am asked and quickly slide my feet into my slippers then rush out to go and open
the door for him. He has a bouquet of roses in his hands and my stomach does that stupid
thing that it does when it sees someone you like. Why does it do that vele? Why do we get
butterflies when we are in the presence of the ones that could potentially hold our hearts in
the future? It is ridiculous!

“Looking gorgeous as always.” He compliments me.

As expected I am blushing profusely. The effect that this man has on me is ridiculous.

“Thank you…” I say softly.

We make our way in after sharing a brief kiss at the door. As always he smells and looks
appetising. He is what I like to call an entire snack. I look on as he goes to the fridge to grab
a bottle of water and downs it. Even the manner in which he drinks his water is sexy. Okay
Makhosazana you are just thirsty nje, nothing else. I chastise myself before taking out a vase
for my flowers which are going to wilt whilst I am out there rediscovering myself. I put them
in water then rush to my room to make sure that I have everything that I need.

“Don’t forget your documentation.” He shouts after me.

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Shit, I almost forgot my passport. I grab that and toss it into my hand bag then make my way
out.

“Okay, I have everything.” I announce.

He strides towards me while holding eye contact and pulls me into his arms. He uses his left
hand to gently caress my face before lowering his head and gently placing his lips on mine. I
appreciate how his kisses always leave me feeling like I am somewhat part of him.

“We are going to have a great time. Juts you and I.” He murmurs against my lips.

I break out into a smile then nod like a kid. A good time is what I need.

*****

When the alarm snapped me out of my slumber this morning I wanted to attack my phone
but then I remembered that I am going on vacation with a handsome man! So I bolted out
of bed and rushed to the bathroom to make myself look and smell decent before heading
out. You know, there are some people who look like they never get tired and they just
always look good. Stephen is one of them! I swear he looked so fresh while I felt like I had
been hit by a bus because we spent the better part of the night and early hours of the
morning chatting. Whenever I said I was calling it a night he would say something along the
lines of “you will sleep on the flight” of course I agreed with him but morning came and I
regretted it.

“Are you sleeping?” He whispers in my ear.

Am I sleeping? Nope. I have been attempting to get some shut eye for the past four hours
but as soon as I think that I have got it he wakes me up. I guess I will get some rest when we
get to our destination.

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“No, what’s up?” I ask.

“Nothing, I was just asking.” He says sounding like a naughty school kid.

I want to tell him off but I must admit I like these little cute and annoying things that he is
doing. It feels like we are teenagers going on our first trip together, which we are except for
the teenager part of course. I honestly cannot wait to get to know Stephen on a much
deeper and personal level. I feel as if though we have not even scratched the surface as yet.
I find myself resting my head on his shoulder before closing my eyes.

*****

After eleven hours and fifteen minute of flight time we land at Heathrow Airport. This is my
first time in London and to say I am excited is an understatement. The fact that I am not
feeling the need to throw on my largest jacket as this breeze hits me proves my excitement.
Are there people who still get shocked when they see a Black woman and a Caucasian man
together? Some of the looks we are receiving as we make away out of the Airport are
laughable actually.

We get into the Mercedes S-class provided by the hotel and begin the sixteen mile journey
to Mayfair which should take around thirty minutes according to Stephen. Seeing all these
breathtaking buildings that I have only seen on TV feels so surreal. Tell me again why I’ve
never considered London as a holiday destination? After what feels like a short drive to me
because of my tourist mentality finally we arrive at the Claridge’s.

Luxury!

We are greeted by a concierge who gets someone to take our bags up as he leads us to our
rooms. I immediately fall in love with the chandelier in what we have been told to be the tea
room. I think I want to come here for some afternoon tea.

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“And here we are the Brook Penthouse.”

I look at Stephen with confusion written all over my face. I thought we were getting two
separate rooms.

“The penthouse is that much more spacious and it has two bedrooms. Don’t worry I will not
do anything that you do not want me to.” That statement is accompanied by a wink

I shake my head suppressing a smile as I push him to the side and walk into the room where
I am greeted by elegance. The French style furniture is minimalistic yet it screams class and
is has a beautiful balance between the old and new. The dining table for four in the corner
of my room has me imagining myself indulging in my English breakfast as I take in the
streets of London. I find myself walking towards the grand entrance doors where I find a
small bar behind them. It is filled with drinks and treats and I can tell that this is going to be
my favourite spot over the next couple of weeks.

“Zana pick a room before I beat you to it.” He shouts from the living space.

I giggle sweetly as I go on the hunt for the ‘prettier’ room which I highly doubt will be any
different from the next room. The room that I step into is decorated in a gentle lilac shade
with light oak flooring and the fluffiest rug I have ever placed my feet on. Yes, I had to kick
my shoes off for this! The fresh flowers on my dressing table just add certain elegance and
feel to the room that I absolutely fall in love with.

I am sold, this is the one.

Stephen walks in wearing that broad and contagious smile of his which I cannot help but
return.

“You have the better view.” He utters.

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“If you have the exact same rug as I do then you cannot complain about anything.”

“Your love affair with rugs still intrigues me.” He says chuckling.

He says this all the time!

“Come let us go see the terrace.”

I put my hand in his and we make our way out to the furnished terrace which has I think by
far the best view yet. From here we can see the Houses of Parliament amongst some of the
most breathtaking rooftops on offer here.

Stephen wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to his body. The feel of his
heart beating against my back has me feeling so relaxed. It almost feels like the forbidden
place for us called home.

“Thank you for agreeing to come with me.” His warm breathe hits my ear sending
sensations all the way down to my quim.

“Thank you for inviting me.”

We remain in this position taking in the breeze as well as the sights before us.

Okay London, let us see what you have in store for us but most importantly let us see what
the universe has in store for Stephen and I over the

*****

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I step out of the shower and drape a towel around my body before deciding to go take in
the breeze on the terrace. This is going to be y second favourite spot in this penthouse. The
magnificent view is what is calling my name. I settle on the couch and take in the scenery. It
is funny how you can always tell that you are not at home- and I home I mean you country,
when you are travelling. The air smells different, your heart beats a bit differently as well
and personally I feel at peace whenever I visit foreign land. I think the fact that I know that I
do not have to worry about work or anything concerning my life is what always has me at
peace.

As I am taking in my surroundings, Stephen walks out with a tray in his hands. He is in

sweatpants and t-shirt that is clinging onto his skin. It is as if though it is his second skin! He
looks good – relaxed and I like a relaxed Stephen.

“I thought you might appreciate a cup.” He says setting the tray on the table.

I was not thinking about tea but now that it is here, I would certainly appreciate a cup. I am
amazed at how he can keep eye contact as pours some tea for me. I look on as he pours a
teaspoon of sugar into the teacup before stirring it then handing it to me. Not that I am
comparing – which I totally am, but Mazibuko never liked making me tea. He used to say
something about him being a Zulu man and having paid lobola for me. I never understood
his reasoning but I did not care to ask.

The second the warm liquid hits my tongue, my entire body relaxes. The sun might be
setting and the breeze might be getting a bit aggressive but I will sit here and enjoy my view.
Okay maybe I can still check out my view tomorrow right? Yeah.

“Can we head inside?” I ask.

“I was actually about to ask how come you are not feeling cold.” He says chuckling lightly.

“I am enjoying this breeze but I do not want to catch a cold and ruin our trip so I will do this
again tomorrow.”

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I get up and make my way inside with him following closely behind. As expected I slide down
to the ground and feel the rug. Whoever created these soft Persian rugs needs to be kissed
and declared the president of the world. It is an unhealthy obsession according to some but
I believe that it is better than being addicted to drugs or even alcohol right? He settles next
to me and gives me a smile.

“So Zana.”

“So Stephen…”

“You are busy parading around this penthouse in nothing but a towel and you expect me
not to react to that?” He whispers in my ear.

“No… I… I...” I stutter.

That was not even my intention. Not that I forgot that he was here but, oh damn I think
subconsciously I just wanted him to see some of this. I am horny and I am not even going to
front. I mean, when last did I have sex? When last was I even touched by a man in a
seductive manner nje? Argh.

“I promised not to do anything you don’t want me to remember.”

Is that a smirk I see on his face? Stephen is full of it I see. But then I guess he has the right to
seeing that I am trying to seduce him – not! Actually I am just confused. Yep, that’s it!
Confusion.

“I swear that was not my intention. I just stepped out of the shower and I just could not wait
to feel the breeze on my skin.” I ramble.

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“You are so cute right now.” He says laughing. “Anyway, I was thinking that we could order
in and spend some time getting acquainted with these soft and smooth carpets that you
adore so much.”

He gently caresses my face with his right hand while gazing deep into my eyes. I find it funny
how I do not even flinch when he is looking me in my eyes, which is quite funny because I
am not a person that enjoys holding eye contact.

“I would like that very much actually.” I respond.

He nods his head before placing a kiss on my cheek then gets up and walks out of the room.
Sigh. What is this man doing to me! I decide to go put on something decent before I end up
the dinner – which I would so not mind!

*****

“So I climb up this tree without even thinking about the consequences of my actions right. I
am literally going monkey on this tree and just as I feel confident about that fact that I made
it up, I feel something snap. Now my subconscious is like ‘look down Stephen’ but I know
better than to move right. I don’t know why but stupid me looks down and I realise that a
branch has snapped and one wrong move I am going down! I hear my friends yell ‘Just stay
up Steph that dog looks hungry for blood.’

Now you can imagine just how shaken I am. I mean the branch has snapped and I am about
to go down but I cannot afford to go down because this blood thirsty bulldog is circling
around this bloody tree literally behaving like a predator. Suddenly I lose my balance
because remember I couldn’t go up or down. So there I am flying down and in my head I am
like my mother is going to kill me should I break a bone. I go flying down until I land on the
ground and I immediately feel something snap and I think, oh shit! But there’s no time for
pain and worrying right now because I am about to become dog meat.

So I spring up to my feet and I bolt! I believe that on that day I could have probably ran
against Usain Bolt or Akani Simbine and won. There I am running while this monster chases

91
me down the road. I know that I’m hurt. I know that something is broken and that thought
keeps popping into my mind as I fly down the street but I shrug it off because if I feed into it,
I am probably going give into the pain. I run until I see a car driving my direction and I think
if this one does not help me then I am dead meat for sure!

Thankfully the car did stop and the dog ran off. In that moment the adrenaline wore off and
the pain kicked in and boy was it fucked up! It turned out my knee was totally fucked up and
the running actually added more damage to it. So this lady takes me to the hospital and
deep down inside I know that my mother has to get called in. So there I am trying to think
up a story that will explain just why I was even outside to begin with because I was
supposed to be grounded but I managed to give our helper the slip.

So the doctors worked on me and my mother came in and signed the form in order for me
to get the surgery and once I was out of surgery and the anaesthetic wore off, ha ha boy did
I get it! She went off at me so hard that the doctor had to come to my defence. Even that
did not help because she started going off at the doctor for even repairing my damaged
knee. She told him that he should have left me to become a cripple instead of wasting her
money on a child that does not listen to instruction.

So from that day on I wasn’t allowed to leave the house. I literary only went to school and
back, nowhere else for the entire year. That was the hardest time of my life.”

By the time this story comes to an end I am rolling on the floor in laughter. My tears are
flowing freely down my cheeks. Stephen is one great story teller. I cannot recall how we got
to him telling me about this memory. Oh yes! I asked him about the scar right under his
knee and this is what I got! A whole damn core exercise. I have not laughed this much in
such a long while and I am definitely grateful for this moment.

After laughing my lungs out, I try and regain my composure. I draw a deep breath before
releasing it then turning to face him. His pale face is as red as a beetroot, which I find to be
quite cute.

“Are you done laughing at my pain?” he sulks.

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Just as I am about to respond I break out into laughter all over again. I find it too hilarious
man. I can just imagine a young Stephen being chased by a dog. I can see him climbing that
tree only for him to fall off. My goodness. That must have been something else.

“Okay I’m done.” I say in a whisper.

I finally manage to gather myself and turn to look at him. The man is scarlet still and I still
find it quite cute. He shakes his head vigorously before breaking out in a chuckle.

“I am sooo glad that I could make you laugh even though it was at my expense.”

“And I am still doing to laugh at you about this, I hope you know that.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you Zana.” He says with a smile on his face.

A man that does not get offended when you laugh at him. Stephen feels too good to be
true. I know that right now I am probably feeding off of the attention that he has been
giving me and I might not like him or be falling for him as I think I am. What happens when I
realise that my feelings are not as deep or better yet, what happens when he realises that I
am not exactly what he needs or wants in life. What if I am also a passing phase? What if to
him I am just a project, oh gosh!

“Hey, where did you just go?” he asks me.

I look at him and shake my head. I cannot tell him the thoughts that just passed through my
mind. He will probably think that I am a crazy woman.

“I was just thinking about the afternoon tea that the hotel offers. I for one cannot wait to
delve into the selection of petite fours that they have on offer.”

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When I saw that they serve afternoon tea every day I went crazy. I honestly cannot wait to
dig in.

“I think that we should get some rest. It has been a long day.” He says.

I agree with him. We share a sweet and short kiss before we each retire to our respective
bedrooms.

*****

“Makhosazana, how could you leave your husband and go gallivanting god knows where
and with whom? You are supposed to be here fighting for your marriage but you are out
there enjoying yourself forgetting the vow that you made before the lord, before both of
your families! I am so disappointed in you my child.”

That is the lovely message I woke up to from my mother. I guess she has caught wind of the
divorce issue and in true maSithole style, she is going bizerk! How my mother thinks that
what she is saying is absolutely baffling. How do you go off on your only daughter for
choosing to love herself and putting herself first? I do not get it. I do not get it one bit! I do
not have the time to be dealing with this right now.

If Mazibuko thought that he could deter me from proceeding with the divorce by involving
my mother. If anything he has fuelled my desire to be rid of him for good! As for my mother,
sometimes you have to cut off some family members if they keep revealing that they do not
have your best interests at heart. The fact that my mother keeps shoving Sandile Mazibuko
down my throat while I keep telling her that things are not all that great between us shows
me that she does not care about me.

Then again I have always known that my mother cares more about her image and status
than she does about me. It is quite a shame that I cannot disown her because at the end of

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the day, she is my mother. As mean and as unbothered as she might be, she still birthed me
and I cannot just throw her out to the wolves.

I decide to put my phone aside after responding to Katie’s text. We have graduated to daily
conversations and I must admit that I am enjoying them. From hearing about how school is
going, to the conversations about the boy that has taken an interest in her. It is all so cute
and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. I roll out of bed and drag myself to the bathroom to
take an extra long bath.

Today marks the fourth day that Stephen and I have been in London and I wish I could say
that we have been sightseeing and everything that tourists do when they are on vacations
but nope not us. In fact we have been cooped up in our penthouse stuffing our faces with
junk food and going in on the bar available in our little abode. Do not ask me why because
we also have no reason other than that we want to get to know each other and we most
feel comfortable in this space I guess.

As I am enjoying the soothing effects of the warm water against my skin, a knock comes
through the door. I have no doubt that it is Stephen. Do I shout for him to come in or do I
shout and let him know that I am bathing? Gosh I sound so dumb! Ever since I have been
running around with Stephen I have been feeling younger and behaving the exact same way.
Argh!

“Yes?” I shout.

“I’m ordering breakfast and I wanted to know if you wanted anything specific.”

“Just go wild!” I respond.

“Got it and good morning by the way.”

“Good morning Stephen. See you in a little bit”

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“See ya!”

See the things that this man does to me? Shucks man! It is totally not fair! I finish up then
get dressed in nothing but my gown then head out to go and join him for breakfast. I find
him sitting on the couch with his glasses on and his laptop on his thighs. He is so focused on
what he is doing that he does not even hear me walking into the room. I take a few seconds
to admire his looks. He really is a handsome man. Could I ever get so lucky as to bag myself
such a hunk? I do not know.

“I just need to get this done then I will be all yours.” He says without even lifting his head.

I thought that he did not hear me step into the room. I decide to pour some tea for myself
then settle on the floor. Listen, I am going to milk this rug until the last day. Stephen jokingly
said that he is going to ask where they got this and once he knows he will get the exact
same one. I jokingly responded by saying he should not do that but deep down I was like
‘actually find out and get one for me’

The thought of him going out of his way to make me happy in this manner has me feeling all
kinds of special. I swear I have an entire zoo in my stomach and I do not want it to go away.
The elephant stomping around in here has me feeling so week and man oh man in a weird
and confusing manner it feels so good.

I feel really appreciated and it is a damn good feeling. After being unappreciated for so long,
this is definitely everything!

“And I am done.” He says placing the laptop on the table.

As always he has on his signature dashing smile. I can’t help but return it.

“Hello Stephen.”

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“Hello Zana, how are you?”

He has settled next to me and in true Stephen “touchy feely” fashion, he has pulled me into
his arms and has rested his lips on my neck. I actually appreciate the fact that he is not
scared or ashamed to show affection. Yes it makes me a little shy because I am not used to
it as yet but as time goes on I will get used to it.

“I’m good.” I respond genuinely. “And how are you?”

“If you are good then you know I’m awesome. You smell good!” he says taking in my scent.

I sink into his touch and allow myself to feel his warmth. I find it so funny just how I am so
comfortable being in his arms and presence.

“And you feel good.” I respond.

He really does!

“So what is the plan for the day because as much as I enjoy spending all of my time with you
in my arms, we came here to sight see as well so what are we doing today?”

I want to sulk and probably throw at tantrum but I cannot because he is right! We came
here to enjoy the city as much as we came here to have our time to ourselves. When we
first walked into the hotel I did say that I wanted to have afternoon tea so maybe that!

“Afternoon tea maybe?”

“Do we have to dress up or can I just rock up in my jeans and t-shirt?”

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I think I just looked at him like he lost his marbles. Has he ever seen a person go to
afternoon tea in a jean, in LONDON? How ridiculous is his question? Also for a white man,
yes I know that I am generalising but still, as a white well travelled man, that question was
just off. ‘Do we have to dress up or can I just rock up in my jeans and t-shirt’ hehehe what
am entire joke!

“Geeeez if looks could kill I would be deep and buried and you would have been the first in
line to throw the sand.” He says laughing.

Well I am glad he finds my horror amusing – yes it is horror.

“I think a pair of chinos and a white shirt and loafers will suffice.” I respond calmly.

I immediately think about my outfit and I know what I am going to step out of here in.

“I would actually like to have a conversation with you about something.” He says suddenly
looking serious.

“Okay what is it?”

“It’s about us.”

“Oh.”

“I think that we have established that I have been attracted to you from the beginning.” He
says.

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I shake my head lightly. Stephen say whaaaat!? Makathi from the beginning uthini? Hayibo!
I am actually quite shocked!

“No we have not established that. I just always assumed that you were a very friendly
client.” I respond truthfully.

In the beginning Stephen was always the nice and friendly client that was always full of life
and always had an appetite for days. Sure when things got personal and saliva was
exchanged, I knew that there was something there but not from the get go.

His loud laughter fills the entire room creating calm space to continue the conversation. I
have come to realise that hearing his laugh calms my raging and wild thoughts.

“Well Makhosazana, I have always had my eye on you but the fact that you were married
deterred me from making a move. I know how it feels to be cheated on and I did not want
to be that man that makes another man to feel the way that I was made to feel at some
point. So I kept my distance until I noticed with each passing meeting that you just seemed
to be shadow of the person you were at our initial meeting.

Fast forward to the day when we had lunch for the first time outside of work and I think that
just put the nail in the coffin for me. Getting to know you on a personal level has been the
most amazing journey that I have embarked on. Not only are you beautiful but you are
intelligent, warm hearted, you are the embodiment of what a queen should represent.

I am strongly attracted to you and I do not want to fight this attraction. If anything, I want it
to grow and consume me. I want to get to know you and grow with you and in you as well as
for you. I want you to be one with you. Obviously I want you to heal and move on from your
ex-husband first but those are my intentions.

So now that it is out there, don’t feel as if though have to respond to what I have put out.”

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How can I not respond when my heart is jumping around like this? I swear the zoo has
turned into the entire Kruger National Park. A person might say that I am not ready to move
on and that might be true but in this moment it does not feel like it. Look as much as our
‘situation’ started off in a wrong way the end could be a beautiful ending right? I believe so.

“I did not know that you felt this way, well from the beginning that is. Look Stephen I have
developed feelings for you as well or else I wouldn’t have agreed to come on this trip with
you. I think subconsciously I have been holding out on you because I wanted my divorce to
be final before I can officially move on. I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I am
just stringing you along while you patiently wait for things to get finalised. I just-”

“You want me and I want you. That is all that matters.” He interjects. “Let’s just use this
time to solidify our bond and everything else we can deal with when we get back to South
Africa, how does that sound?”

He is looking at me with those beautiful pearly eyes which are hypnotising me and I can’t
help but get lost in them. It is like he can see all of my hurt, my pain, my humiliation, my
frustration, my anger and everything in between. But then he smiles and I can see that he
sees my beauty, the hidden sides to me that I don’t even see in myself. My quirkiness, my
awkward nature, my kind heart and every other good quality that I possess that I do not
even recognise.

While I am still lost in this man’s gaze, I feel his lips gently land on mine. Within seconds I am
laid down under with his right hand caressing my thigh. I must admit, it feels so damn good
and I do not want him to stop! When he drives his hand higher I involuntarily moan in his
mouth.

“We have breakfast to get through.” He murmurs against my lips before pulling back and
giving me a soft peck.

I want to complain but I don’t want to seem too desperate. I know that by the end of this
trip my virginity would have been dealt with. Yes, I am a virgin! You can’t tell me nothing.
Shake it off Makhosazana! Shake it off!

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We sit up and I watch on as he dishes up for me. I appreciate the fact that he knows just
how into food I am. My plate is overflowing with all kinds of deliciousness. I giggle sweetly
when I see him reaching for a side plate and filling it with nothing but bacon. We have
touched on my love for bacon and I am so happy that he is not depriving me of the nutrients
that come with the fat. If you lead a banting lifestyle you are told that bacon is one of your
best friends, although I am not banting I do believe that bacon is definitely my good friend.

“Do not despair there is still ample bacon left.” His voice is laced with sarcasm as he hands
me my plate of food.

He can laugh all he wants and you know what? I do not care! As long as I keep getting my
slices then I have no worries. We dig in whilst engaging in general conversation. I learn that
his favourite team of all time is Manchester United, even though he is not so much into
soccer, and they happen to be playing at Old Trafford in a few days time. Seeing his face
light up as it did when he mentioned that I could not be a spoil sport and whine about how
uninterested I am about watching grown men chasing a ball around hoping to get it through
the other teams net for an entire ninety minutes.

I end up agreeing to going with him. Excitedly he grabs his phone and starts searching for
tickets. Turns out Old Trafford is two and a half hours from London Euston Station. The
thought of spending five hours in a train just for a soccer match is ridiculous but the man is
dressing up for afternoon tea with me so tit for tat right? Argh.

By the time we finish with breakfast he has booked the tickets and called the reception for a
shuttle to the station. This is my life now? Watching soccer with old white men? Goodness
me!

“Want to go back to bed and cuddle before afternoon tea?” the grin on his face is priceless.

Will I ever get used to this? I am a complete blushing mess. We thank the melanin gods for
the extra sprinkling of colour because I foresee my life being filled with nothing but blushing
moments and stiff cheeks.

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“Your bed or mine?” I say trying to get the balance between sexy and playful right.

He winks at me sending diving into an ocean of butterflies before getting up then helping
me up. I feel like a teenager who is visiting her boyfriend for the first time and does not
know how to behave no matter how comfortable he tries to make her feel. With our fingers
intertwined he leads us to his room where we slip into the sheets and get comfortable in
each other’s arms. I have my head rested on his chest with our legs interlocked and his hand
comfortably travelling up and down my butt.

I’m not wearing any drawers and what he is doing is creating a puddle in dryland. Yes I have
renamed my sacred land to dryland – the Sahara because nothing ever happens there.

“I have never felt this way about a woman before Zana. You have this effect and hold on me
and I fear that as we get closer and closer it is going to grown and intensify.”

I open my mouth in an attempt to respond but it feels as if though there is something stuck
in my throat so I clear it a couple of times before trying again.

“And is that a bad thing?” I enquire curiously with my heart slowly sinking to my stomach.

I couldn’t decipher what the tone in which he said that meant hence the little bit of fear in
my stomach.

“Depending on both of our intentions then I don’t know. But I will not dwell on this instead I
will allow myself to enjoy this and if it is not meant to be then so be it.”

“And if it’s meant to be?” the speed in which that came out is almost comical.

“Then I will be the luckiest man on earth to have the opportunity to spend my life with you.”

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Sigh. Can somebody say swoon!

I sink deeper into his warmth. Dear Universe if this is it then please teach us they ways to
make it work.

*****

I feel like a kid in a candy store. We are having the champagne afternoon tea and Stephen
being ubhuti madlisa for the duration of the trip has insisted on us getting an entire bottle
instead of the recommended one glass. I want to complain about how much he is spending
on me but I will zip it!

The precision that has gone into each and every one of these items on the menu is beyond
what I expected. The crust has been cut off on all the bread. There is a consistent balance
between the thickness of the bread and the thickness of the filling. They are literally the
same size. The scones are all the exact same size. The raisin scones all have the same
amount of raisins by sight. The chocolate brownie with caramelised peanuts is everything. I
am indulging in those the most. Stephen seems to be going in hard on the almond biscuit
with orange gelee.

“Are you enjoying yourself honey?”

I nod excitedly as I go in for another bite of my brownie. I really am in heaven. Sigh. Father
God can I keep this man forever and forever along with this menu, I would probably be the
happiest person in the world.

“You look gorgeous by the way.” He compliments me once more.

I am draped in a black and gold bodycon knee length dress. It accentuates all my curves and
puts an emphasis on my fat but I love it.

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“You have been complimenting me since I stepped out of my room Stephen.” I say blushing.

There should be a limit on how much a person should blush on a daily because stiff cheeks
are not on!

“Well I will keep saying it. You are absolutely gorgeous Makhosazana.”

I still cannot get over how my name rolls off of his tongue. Our afternoon is spent indulging
in these delicacies. I appreciate this little moment that we are experiencing. Discovering
things about each other. Discovering new things together.

*****

Last night was the first night Stephen and I shared a bed and to say that I had one of the
most peaceful sleeps in a while would be selling it short honestly. His arms feel like home
and I have come to learn over my years on this earth that home is a secure place where you
feel appreciated, respected and I guess loved. Home is your happy place, a place where
laughter comes easily, a smile is an everyday accessory and memories are created. A home
is a place where hopes and dreams reside. I know that it is too early to say but I believe that
this will be my home away from home – and by that I mean his arms.

“Morning Zana.” He greets in his sleep laced voice.

The sound of his deep, sexy, sleepy voice against my ear shoots tingles straight down to my
quim. Okay now I am tired of pretending like I am not horny. Worse, I cannot even be busy
with BOB here because I have company.

“Hey, you slept well?” I enquire as I snuggle closer.

He places a warm, wet kiss on my neck and just like that I am gone!

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“Stephen.” I whimper.

“Yes…” His sexy voice sounds against my ear.

Does this man not realise the type of effect he is having on me right now?

“I want you.” I blurt out.

Well there it is folks! I tried holding it in but it just had to let it out. I can feel his ribs
vibrating, an indication that he is laughing. Well I am glad that he finds this amusing – NOT!

“I want you too and there is nothing more that I would like to do than to have you right here
and now but-”

“But what!?” I cut him off.

“But I would like it to be special. I want lazy morning sex yes but I think our first time
deserves to be better than that don’t you think?”

Does he think he is making sense right now? Argh white men! As much as I hate to admit it,
because I am horny, but it is rather sweet. He slides closer and his hard one presses against
my ass. I think that was just to assure me that he finds me attractive and that he wants to
tear my guts apart… well I hope that’s what it means.

“So what is on the table for the day?”

“I was hoping that we could literally do things that tourists do the entire day. So roll out of
bed, bath, get some grub then head out?”

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“Done! Let’s go take a shower then honey.”

We roll out of bed and head into the bathroom. I release my morning dose of pee while he
fills the bath tub for us. I watch on as he selects the bath salts and essentials oils and pours
them into the water. He takes off his boxers and his hard on springs free. Oh universe, have
mercy! He turns to look at me with an eyebrow raised and an expectant look across his face.
I get up and slid out of my nightie. How am I even this comfortable? When our eyes meet I
see the lust flashing across his. Have you ever seen that image of the lion taking a sip from
the river whilst directly looking at the camera? He is giving me those exact vibes right now.
Ngathi he’s thinking that if he could just get me in his hold then I am done for.

He clears his throat the stretches his hand out for me. I place mine in his and he helps me
step into the bath before he also gets in and we relax into each other’s arms. The last time I
shared such an intimate bath with a man was years ago. This moment right here is special
for me.

“Are you comfortable?” He asks.

“I am and you?”

“I am perfect!” he doesn’t even hesitate in answering.

We sit in silence listening to each other’s heartbeats. This is the second time I am hearing
his heart beating against my back and I swear it sounds as if though they are in sync with
each other.

“After my divorce I prayed. I prayed so much and I think that my prayers are finally being
answered.” He says randomly

“What did you pray for?” I enquire.

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“A gentle soul and a beautiful heart. I prayed for the opportunity to be happy and here I am
with you. I know it might not be the most ideal situation or set up but I am happy Zana,
being in your presence is refreshing and it food for the soul, exactly what the doctor
ordered. “

Just exactly what the doctor ordered! I echo the exact same sentiments. In this moment I
have zero regrets about filing for divorce. In fact I want everything to be settled by the time
that I get back home. It might be short lived but I can tell you that I will never have regrets
of whatever it that Stephen and I are experiencing.

We enjoy our soak before cleaning ourselves up then handing into our closets to prepare for
the day ahead which should be filled with nothing but fun and hopefully knowledge or
something along those lines. I enjoy educational trips more than anything.

*****

Our time is London has by far been the greatest that I have ever had in an incredibly long
time. From visiting Hyde Park which is possibly the most famous park in London, and it is
one of the largest. The park has historical significance, having hosted a number of
demonstrations and protests. While we were there we were able to catch a debate at the
park’s famous Speakers Corner. That was probably the highlight on that entire day, the
passion in which each speaker went at it left me with goosebumps.

We also found ourselves in Camden amongst Goths and punks alike and that was probably
the freest I have felt. When you are in the presence of ‘outcasts’ you will always find
yourself completely comfortable in your own skin because they know best what it feels like
to be frowned upon by society for their choice of lifestyle so they will always try by all
means to make the next person feel comfortable. Wouldn’t life be beautiful if we all tried to
make each other feel that way?

I am currently snuggled up in this man’s arms and I honestly don’t want to leave the, but
unfortunately for me or is it fortunately, he booked a spa session for me that I absolutely

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cannot miss because my joints and muscles need the TLC! Last night after a few hours spent
at the stadium watching Manchester, which won by the way, we found ourselves at a
common pub with other Man U supporters and boy did this one not go in on those drinks?
He was so out of it that it was a huge struggle for me to get him into the cab with the help of
the cab driver.

He sang or tried to sing the entire cab ride home. The cab driver was obviously amused by
all of this and as was I because I have never seen him with his hair let loose in this manner. I
loved how he took my hand in his and kept on kissing it repeatedly while going on and on
about how much he is so blessed to have met me. Even in his drunken state he still finds
ways to make me blush. The second his head hit the pillow it was lights out!

The time is two in the afternoon and he has been passed since. I have ordered lunch for us
and thankfully I have a few pain killers in my bag. I quickly jump in the shower and refresh
myself before attempting to take care of a grown ass baby. I know that men are big babies
when they’re sick. As usual I slide into a robe with nothing underneath. I get back into the
bedroom and attempt to wake him up. It takes a few attempts but eventually he flings his
gorgeous eyes open and I get lost in them for a second.

When he smiles lazily I swear I almost pee in my pants. How did I manage to get with such a
deliciously sexy man? Tjeeer!

“Why do I feel so horrible?” he asks lazily.

I chuckle quietly while shaking my head. You feel so horrible because you went on a drinking
spree buddy!

“Get up, brush your teeth then come and join me for lunch. I have my spa session in like an
hour or so, so chop chop.” I say before heading out.

This man better be following instruction or so help me God. Thankfully he struts his way into
the lounge with his eyes half opened and half closed. He looks devilish in just his boxers. I
could just pounce on him right here, right now kodwa I will pull myself towards myself.

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“I need grease. Lots and lots of grease. Some chillie would be good as well. Actually could I
just get a new head? Yes that is what I need. A new head!”

He carefully lowers himself onto the couch and groans loudly. I am sitting here ready to
laugh out loud but argh you don’t kick a man when he’s down angithi? I reach for the
hangover concoction that I ordered and hand it to him before dishing up for him. I make
sure that his plate is disgustingly greasy and packed with heat and by head I mean tobasco
sauce.

He mumbles something about how disgusting that drink is and how he will never get drunk
again. Apart from having to drag him to the penthouse, I enjoyed a drunk Stephen and I
definitely would not mind seeing him in that element again.

“I need more heat.” He says pointing to the tobasco.

Yhu! I hand it to him and watch as he covers his entire plate with it. I am looking on as this
man devours his food with an almost smile on his face. I do not even know what to say
about this scene playing out in front of me right now.

“This was divine!” he says heaving a sigh.

“Okay then school boy.” I tease him.

He chuckles lightly while shaking his head.

“Never gonna live it down are you?”

“Never.” I respond happily.

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We are going to laugh about this for years to come. I continue roasting him for a bit while he
takes it like a man – thankfully, before getting ready to go and enjoy my massage. I am
dressed in a basic maxi dress and flops. Here’s to hoping that the massage is goooood!

*****

As a person who usually enjoys massages on a regular basis I must complement the
masseuse on the impeccable work she did in reviving me. I did not realise that I needed that
massage until I actually got under her hands. She was so gentle and all my knots – gone! I
think I need another one before we actually leave. I am making my way back to the
penthouse with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I feel so much lighter, both in
spirit and body. I really did need that massage.

When I step into the penthouse I am met by the most beautiful set up that I have ever laid
my eyes on. The entire living space is covered in flowers. All kinds at that. I spot sunflowers,
my favourites, well my other favourites, first. The vibe I am getting is an indoor picnic vibe, I
see a trolley with dishes upon dishes and I know that everyone of those dishes will be
mouth watering.

“What’s this?” I ask softly as I make my way towards him.

He pulls me into his arms and plants a really deep one on my lips. I get lost in the magic
being created by our tongue transporting me into another realm. I never thought that a
mere kiss would leave me feeling flushed. Why does he have this effect on me? I ask again.
My body stiffens a little bit when he lifts me into his arms forcing me to lock my ankles
against his back but the kiss reassures me that he has got me and he will not let go.

He gently lays me on the couch then gets between my legs without taking his lips away from
mine. My erect nipples rubbing against the material of my dress has me going crazy and the
fact that he keeps moving his hand up and down my thigh is not helping the situation. My
senses are heightened and my desire even more so. All I can envision is myself being banged
from here to mars by this beautiful creation of a man.

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I’m forced to snap back to reality when he removes his warm mouth from mine. I almost
want to protest but I do not have the energy to throw my toys around. He rests his forehead
against mine. I can feel his mint scented breathe fanning against my face. I want to open my
eyes but I know that I am going to get lost in his mesmerising eyes. Do not ask me why I do
not want to get lost in his eyes because I do not have a solid response to that.

I eventually gather the strength to open my eyes after what feels like a lifetime and I am
met by the warmest gaze I have ever had the honour of looking into. I can tell that he was
somewhat worried but he should not be shame. I cup his face and pull him down for a soft
peck before breaking out into a giggle. I am thankful for the fact that he joins me. This is the
man that I can act a fool with and I really like it.

“Are you okay now?” he asks.

I chuckle lightly before bobbing my head. I’m good! He kisses my nose before getting off of
me and helping me sit up. Now I get to actually fully take in the beautiful set up. The fluffy
blanket on the floor with the champagne glasses as well as the actual champagne itself is
everything and more I tell you. I do not get the fuss around champagne however I will vouch
for Veuve Clicquot, hayi imnandi leyanto and I am so happy to see it chilling on ice. I spot
everything that I enjoyed munching on during the Afternoon tea, how thoughtful is this
man?

“I just wanted to put together something special for you, just to say thank you for agreeing
to come with me on this trip.”

“You didn’t have to thank me. If anything I have to thank you for this trip.”

He chuckles lowly. So sexy!

“Well then with the thank you cards out of the way, we can tuck into our snack.”

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I do not think that I want to tuck into these snacks. If anything he is the snack that I would
like to feast on at this moment. I don’t know how I managed to do this and so quickly but I
am lying on top of him and our lips are creating the most amazing magic. His hands are on
my ass giving it a tight squeeze and pulling me closer to him. My quim is directly against his
rod which is pulsating against his sweatpants. Yeses I am not letting this man go until I get
what I deserve – a good rod beating!

I sit up against his mate and run my waist in circles. This man groans so loudly and I for one
am proud of myself. Who would have thought that mina – little ol’ me would actually get it
on with Stephen. Hehehe.

He flips us around and continues to kiss the living day lights out of me transporting me into
another dimension. Imagine if his kiss is driving me this insane what more his entire shaft.
He abruptly stops causing me to fling my eyes open. I catch him just as he curses
underneath his breath before dipping back in to continue devouring my lips. I work my
hands underneath his t-shirt and in less than a second it goes flying and my hands get the
freedom to roam his core without any disruptions. I feel myself getting hotter and hotter
with each passing suck. I need him as much as his hard one says that he needs me.

My breath hitches when I feel his warm mouth on my nipple through the material. I have no
idea what it is he is doing with his tongue there but it has me speaking in foreign tongues. I
catch myself murmuring something in French there or was it Portuguese? Haai it was
definitely French. He continues his teasing assault on my breasts. I am soaking wet. My little
black lace number is beyond wet.

Relief washes through my body when somehow my dress is rested next to me and I am left
in nothing but my lace number. AGAIN I am shocked at just how comfortable I am under this
man. I have no worries about the stretch marks on my stomach. I have no worries about my
actual stomach itself. Or my thighs. I am comfortable.

He pulls back and looks at me for a minute or so before softly uttering the word “beautiful”

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I am a blushing and horny mess that is falling deeper for this man. Yes I like him that much
now and I have a feeling that he is going to be the best thing since sliced bread after I get a
taste of that machine which is knocking painfully against my thigh.

Stephen is such a tease! He’s tracing small, wet, sensual kisses down my stomach. A little bit
here and there adding on to the throbbing pain of my pum-pum. I honestly just want him to
get it in and rock my world. You see ladies this is what happens when you don’t have sex in
over a year – you become a horny monster who has no appreciation for foreplay, which
personally for me, has always been the best part about sex. Yeah, yeah, I get sticking your
hard shaft inside my warm and snugly vagina and stroking slowly then hard and fast, I get
it’s good and all but the whole build up to getting there? Yeses now that’s my tea!

Yes I get off on the actual sex but the foreplay is where I receive my first few orgasms. I am
brought back to earth when I feel his warm lips land on my inner thigh just right next to my
quim. An involuntary moan escapes my lips and I find myself grabbing his head and holding
it in place. I need him to move a little to the left, just a little but angithi he is a tease so I
know for sure that he is going to take his sweet sweet time with me.

I could curse and call him out on what he just did but I need the action. Mr Green here just
tore my knickers. He tore my LBN – little black number, which was my favourite. I swear I
could just lose it but hey it’s all part of the game I guess. He shuts me up and forces me to
forget all about what he just did by diving right in. The initial pulling on the clit has me
seeing stars and galaxies. I close him in with my thighs when he starts eating me out, he
needs to finish his meal! I appreciate the fact that not all his focus is on my clit ngoba hey
some men. Actually who told these men that all the pleasure lies in the clit because it does
not! Yes kumnandi khona kodwa geez do not! And I mean DO NOT, spend thirty minutes
yonke sucking and pulling on it because it eventually begins to hurt. It is just like when they
start rubbing on it like they are deejay’s turning a disk, my gosh!

His tongue is trying to find its way into my opening and in this moment that is all I need. He
slurps, licks, sucks, gently bites, fingers and repeats over and over and over until I feel a little
relief right on my core. Well that was amazing!

I want to return the favour but I don’t know whether or not he’d let me because this session
seems to be about me.

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“Look at me Zana.” He says in his strained voice.

Why does the voice change vele? That is something that I would love to know. I look at him
shyly before quickly shutting my eyes when I feel his member right at my entrance. When
the hell did he put the condom on? Ei umashesha yena! I feel a sting as he begins to push in.
The animalistic growls coming out of his mouth are turning me on so much that I cannot
help but open my eyes to look at him. He has his eyes closed shut and is biting his lower lips
in between his teeth.

He pulls out and pushes back in centimetre by centimetre while groaning and painfully
digging into my thighs. I have not felt this full in a while and I must say that it is a darn great
feeling! When he pulls out I almost want to protest but then he pushes back in filling e back
up immediately. He does that about four more times before he begins thrusting.

Do you know teleportation? Do you know what it is to see stars and galaxies? He is now full
on pounding me and it is in this moment that I am grateful for this expensive penthouse
because I do not think that cheap walls would have been able to keep my moans in. Now do
not get me wrong, I am not loud but damn it Stephen is just showing me something that I
had never seen before. He is hitting a certain spot that has me seeing and calling out to
Thanos! Heei the land of the galaxies!

I could reside here forever! I actually want to live here forever. I want this to be my daily
portion. I cry out when I reach that desired land. Before I can even gather my thoughts I
have been flipped around and I am being pounded hard and fast!

Can I let you in on a little secret? Come closer… I did not expect so much skill from this man.
I honestly thought that he would be three nyana strokes then finish. He must have jerked
off before this because usually the first round belongs to him but he is showing my flamesss!

His grip around my waist tightens and he goes a bit crazy before groaning like a wounded
animal before flopping on top of me taking me down with him. We try to catch our breath
before saying anything. I am stunned. I am ate. I am satisfied. And lastly I am about to cuff

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that dick! He rolls us over and pulls me into his embrace before placing a kiss on my
forehead.

“That was… wow.” He utters breathlessly.

I chuckle lazily and he joins me. I have no strength to comment. He made sure that he shuts
me up shame!

“That was amazing baby.” I eventually say.

“I think I’ve officially found my drug! That clunge is going to drive me crazy Zana.”

I giggle sweetly, or is it shyly. I have not had someone compliment my quim in that matter
before.

“Do you regret anything?”

I shake my head vigorously.

“Nothing.”

“I’m glad because I also don’t. If anything I feel so much closer to you body, spirit and soul.”

The joy in my heart right now!? The truth is like I have been saying I have been falling more
and more for him with each passing day and in this moment I feel that much closer to him. I
want to be with him.

“You won’t get tired of my nonsense?” I ask laughing.

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“Well I am I’ll have to think about it.” he says seriously.

I continue laughing and this time I hit him lightly across the chest. He fake cries fuelling my
laughter. We go back and forth taking jabs at each other and in this moment I feel so much
at peace.

*****

The past few weeks have been filled with nothing but discovering, so much learning,
exploring and above all fun. This has been the most fun that I have ever had in a million
years. I have had the opportunity to reconnect with the child in me and she is beyond happy
to have come out on this trip. I also hope that now that she has made an appearance she
will stay until the end of time. I enjoyed letting my hair loose and I realised that I need to do
it more often.

We have a few more days remaining of our trip and I plan to make the best of it although I
have a feeling that this man over here will want us to spend them indoors.

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-This part of my life is called reality

I never realised just how sad my life was until I returned back home from my trip. I realised
that my reality is not all that great, in fact if anything; I have honestly not been living and
enjoying life. I could use the fact that my husband, I mean ex-husband, was sneaking hence
the life that I was living but I realise that my happiness is my own damn priority and I cannot
expect the next person to fulfil that role.

When I came back from England I was summoned by my mother however I am yet to herd
to her calling because I was just in such a jovial place in my life that I did not want anyone to
bring me down and I knew for certain that she would.

It’s been a couple of days and right now I am on my way to meet with Mazibuko. The
divorce has been finalised and I could not be any happier. I have been looking for a house
because honestly that apartment is not working for me. Yes it is secure and safe and
spacious but the snob in me wants a house plus I am only renting the space and I could get
tossed out at anytime and do not tell me about contracts and leases please. Zimbali is big
enough for Sandile and I, plus I chose the location so if anyone should move out of the
estate it is him. I wanted the monkeys and the kudu’s. I wanted that forest feel. I wanted to
be that close to nature and that is what I will go back to.

I should start shopping around for a house there. I don’t want to build from scratch because
that will take a while and time is not what I have. I want something that I can get within a
month tops!

I get to Gateway then make my way to Mugg&Bean. I love their muffins and I am glad that
he actually chose this place. When I step in I immediately spot him and make my way
towards him. He looks good for a divorcee yazi. As always his suit is on point and today you
cannot miss that Rolex because it is in your face. I guess he is announcing his wealth in
hopes of attracting a sexy thaaaang, or maybe he just wanted to feel good, stop being petty
Makhosazana! I chastise myself.

“Hey.” He greets nervously.

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He gets up and we share a brief hug before sinking into our seats. I have known this man for
thirteen years and so I think I can do a pretty good job at telling how he is behaving. His eyes
are running around all over the place and he is playing with the pepper shaker. That screams
nervous.

“So how have you been?” I ask.

“Good, trying to be and you?”

“I have been alright.” I say nodding.

I am so glad that there was no drama with regards to our divorce. It was straight forward
and the division of assets was not a hassle. Plus I did not want the house so that made it
easier.

“You look gorgeous.”

“Ngiyabonga Mazibuko. So why did you want to meet?” I ask.

We have shared our pleasantries and now we get straight into it. We cannot be engaging in
small talk like we are friends hawu.

“Errrm I just wanted you to hear this from me first before you hear it elsewhere or
something you know.” He chuckles nervously.

The only thing that comes to mind when he says that is that he is getting married to his side
piece.

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“Okay…”

He heaves a sigh and rubs his face in frustration.

“I never meant for any of this to happen and I am so sorry yezwa.”

“Haai Sandile khuluma what’s wrong?”

“The lady I was erm seeing-”

“Cheating on me with.” I cut him off.

He must own up to his shit if he still wants to have muffins with me nxaaaa. He shifts
uncomfortably in his seat. Good let his sins burn him.

“Errm yes that… she is pregnant.”

My whole world comes to a halt. Should it even hurt me? But yeses my heart feels like it has
just been thrown into a shredder. My body suddenly feels heavier than it actually is. Hot
flashes, is that what they are called vele? Hot flashes? Yes I am experiencing those right
now.

“How far along is she?” I do not know why I am asking that but I guess I just need to know.

“Five months. I am so sorry Khosi.”

He reaches for my hand and caresses it. I feel numb. I am numb. But it should not matter
because we are divorced but the fact that she is five months says a lot. She fell pregnant

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while I was crying myself to sleep. While my husband was ignoring me and completely
disregarding my existence, she conceived through my tears. Wow.

I pull myself together and snap out of my daze. He does not deserve to see me like this. I
look at him and force a smile on to my face. Lord knows just how hard this smile is for me to
wear.

“Congratulations. I know how much you have always wanted children. I am so happy for
you.” I manage to say.

“Baby… I mean Makhosazana believe me I only found out this week.”

“Shhhh, it’s okay really. We are divorced and you are obviously more than allowed to have
children silly! I truly am happy for you and I hope that that child will bring you all the joy in
the world. You deserve the happiness. I know that mama will be happy.” I say genuinely.

We might be each other’s past but I do genuinely care for his happiness. We knew when we
got married that we could never have children together but we still kept the faith. We
prayed and fasted and prayed some more and when our finances became stable we
consulted specialists but still nothing. We made peace with our fate and we continued with
life but I knew that deep down each time we became intimate he hoped that some miracle
would find us. At some point we had agreed that we would maybe adopt once we were
ready but you see life has a funny way of working out.

“I’m truly sorry.”

“Have you told mama?” I ask trying to divert the conversation.

He shakes his head lightly.

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“And why is that?”

“Like I said we just found out and I wanted to tell you first.”

“Well I appreciate it but after this you do not have to tell me anything regarding your life. As
long as you are happy then I am good. Look, just don’t feel guilty about anything. Enjoy your
life and be happy.”

He nods lightly. I guess our business is done here. I actually need to get out of here. I grab
my bag, bid him goodbye and rush out of there like I am being chased out by wild dogs. The
second I get into my car I do not even think twice, I drive straight home. The office can miss
me for today. When I step into my apartment I kick my shoes off and throw my bag on the
couch before proceeding to my bedroom where I slide into the covers and allow my tears to
flow.

I am not crying because he is having a child but it does hurt to know that it happened while
he was still with me and that he is holding back on enjoying this new chapter in his life
because he is thinking about how I will feel about it. Sometimes I sit and I think back to that
fateful day where everything changed. If I was not at that place at the time then I would not
be in bed right now crying because of this. My mind drifts off to Stephen and the possibility
of him wanting children in the future should things actually work out between us. That
means I could possibly go through this again. My heart cannot take it.

Maybe we should just quit while we are still happy. Before things get too deep and we end
up wanting children because that is one gift that I cannot grant him. A loud sob escapes my
lips.

This is my reality and I hate it. I thought that I had made peace with it but I guess not. I
thought that I had pushed the feelings of desire into a cage that is inaccessible but again I
guess I played myself. When my cries subside I drag myself into the closet and slip into my
pyjamas before drinking a sleeping pill then sliding back into the blankets. I just need to drift
off just for a little bit. I need to forget about everything just for a little while. Hopefully I will
wake up feeling slightly better.

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*****

I am woken up by the annoying ringing of my phone. I ignore it in hopes that the person on
the other end of the line will give up. I smile internally when it eventually stops ringing but
that moment is short lived when the phone begins to ring again. I groan angrily before
reaching for it and answering it.

“What?”

“Makhosazana is that how you answer your phone?” she shouts.

Oh it’s my mother. What does she want? Oh konje I am yet to go see the queen. I have
neither the strength nor the energy to deal with her and her tantrums. If she wants to chat
to someone she should call Mazibuko and talk to him.

“How can I help you mama?”

“Uyadelela yazi. Uzofika nini uzongibona?”

Sigh. ‘Honour your mother and father’ angithi. I draw a deep breath and calm myself before
responding because the next words out of my mouth are not going to be the ‘nicest’ if I do
not get a grip on my mind.

“I will see mama. I have a heap of work that I need to catch up on at work. I also have a lot
that I need to work on for myself so I really do not have time however I will try to make
some time in the next coming week.”

“Makhosazana I am your mother not some business acquaintance or client who urgently
needs a meeting so you try and slot them into your busy schedule.”

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Whoooosaaaaaa God give me strength. Mother earth; calm my titties because lo mama is
testing me. I swear she is testing me.

“I know. Look I have another call coming through and it’s work so let me call you back.” I do
not even wait for her response before hanging up.

I check the time and it reads 6:17PM. I have missed calls from Stephen as well as mama –
Sandile’s mother. I decide to call her back before calling Stephen. It rings for a little while
before her warm soothing voice comes through on the other end of the line.

“Hello my baby.”

“Hi mama.”

I can feel myself getting a little emotional. I needed this kind of warmth.

“Oh my baby, Sandile told me about the pregnancy. How are you feeling?”

And right on cue my tears make an entrance. I never thought that this would hurt like this.
IT SHOULDN’T BUT IT DOES!

“It’s life mama and there is nothing that I can do but to accept the hand that God has dealt
me. You have said that there must be a reason why this had to happen to me so it is what it
is. It stings a little bit but I am a very big girl both literally and figuratively so I will be fine.”

“All will work out. Just have faith and trust the process and that God knows what he is
doing.”

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“I know ma, it’s just that the yearning gets a bit much sometimes but I will definitely be fine.
Thank you for checking up on me.”

“You are my baby I have to check up on you.”

“And I love you for that. Please tell Sandile to enjoy this pregnancy. He needs to be present
and connect with his child and stop thinking about what I feel. I am honestly fine and I just
want him to be happy. His child and its mother deserve him to be fully present and
engaged.”

“You are a very wonderful woman Makhosazana. You are phenomenal and any man will be
blessed to have you in their life as their other half. I for one am thankful that I get to call you
my daughter.”

See why this woman is my everything?

“I love you mama and thank you.”

“I love you too baby and come see me okay.”

“I will. Sharp.”

We bid each other goodbye before hanging up. I feel slightly better which is a good thing
because I do not want to cry during my conversation with Stephen. I press dial on his
number and wait anxiously as it rings. It rings to voicemail and I try again and again it rings
until it goes straight to voicemail. Oh well, he will call me back when he sees the missed calls
I guess.

I roll out of bed and head into the bathroom to rinse my mouth and relieve myself. Once I
am done I wash my hands then make my way to the kitchen to get started on dinner.

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Something quick nje, tuna and a salad. I really do not feel like standing at the stove and
cooking a hearty meal. Nope. I treat myself to a glass of wine while I prepare my meal.
Actually I need some music. I had my Bobby McFerrin vinyl going the other day and I decide
that he would be the perfect company right now. When we talk about great artistry, we talk
about this man. I have no idea how he does what he does but I appreciate it. When ‘Bang!
Zoom’ comes through I lose it.

Oh my gosh have I become one of those old people that dance to jazz or is it contemporary?
Well whatever it is called. I down my glass then refill it before searing my tuna. Once I finish
I dish up and go settle on couch. I say a short prayer before digging in. I remember a time in
my life where I was so picky when it came to what I ate but my then husband would not
hear any of it. He would literally force me to try new things every week and I am grateful
because I have a few favourites because of him.

My phone rings and my heart smiles at the name splashed across the screen.

“Mr Green.” I answer rather seductively.

I hear him groan loudly. Well aren’t I glad that I have that kind of effect on him.

“Zana. I’m sorry I missed your call earlier, I was on my way to fetch Katie from her mother’s
place.”

“Oh she’s spending the night?” I ask.

He heaves a sigh and that alarms me.

“She might just move in with me permanently because her and her mother are butting
heads but we will see how everything goes. Anyway we can talk about that later, how are
you?”

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I feel myself getting emotional all over again. I just want to be held and treated like a baby. I
want to be cuddled and kissed and dicked down, if that is even a word. I just want to sulk
and be fed ice cream and wine and those sweet and sour popcorn from Woolies. I want to
Netflix and chill!

“I’m okay and you?” I answer his question.

“I miss you and I feel bad right now because you don’t sound chirpy.”

“Argh I just had a rough day but I’m okay. I swear.”

“How about Katie and I come and pick you up then we can go out for some ice cream unless
you want dinner as well then we can do dinner and ice cream.”

A man after my own heart! Being out would probably make me feel better right? But then
again Katie has school tomorrow.

“It’s a school night Stephen.”

“And an hour out won’t hurt her. Now go get dressed, please be comfortable and I will see
you in a short bit.” Before I can even protest he has hung up.

This man though! But like I said I do need the fresh air so ice cream it is. I gobble down my
dinner before rushing to my bedroom to change into something comfortable as per
instruction. I settle on a jean, hoodie and a pair of sneakers. I think I look cute yazi. I decide
to take a quick shower. I smell of fish and tears and that is not a cute smell. Once I finish up I
put on one of my favourite Michael Kors scents. Look complete and now to wait in
anticipation for the man, and the daughter.

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Soon enough a knock comes through the door and I make my way over to open. Katie takes
me by surprise when she launches herself at me. Thankfully I do not lose my balance and I
manage to hold her and squeeze her tightly. I have not had the chance to see her since we
have been back and a part of me admits that it missed her. We have formed a relationship
through chat and I actually want to start spending more time with her because man this
teenage human brings a little bit of something new in my life.

“I am soooo happy to see you again Zana.” She says sweetly.

This I wasn’t expecting. I knew that we got along and liked each other but not to this extent.
I do appreciate the fuzzy feeling that she is giving me though.

“I’m happy to see you as well baby. Have you been good?” I cup her face.

She looks slightly sad but is masking it so well. I tilt my head and give her a faint smile.
Maybe we should do a spa date on Saturday hopefully she will let me in. She tells me that
she has been good then asks for the bathroom. I direct her to the guest bedroom and once
she disappears out of sight, Mr Green pulls me into his arms and kisses the living day lights
out of me. I get so lost in the kiss that I find myself moaning and pulling him closer to me. I
could just rip his clothes off and have my way with him, right here and right now.

We eventually pull apart and I guess our timing is great because Katie walks back into the
room in that exact moment.

“Okay are you love birds done? Can we go now?” She asks excitedly.

I love how cute she is. She is just precious. Stephen is already standing at the door, I guess
he does not want to get into trouble with the young missy. I grab my keys and phone then
walk out leaving Stephen to lock up. The ride down in the lift is filled with chatter coming
from Katie. She is telling us about her English teacher who complimented her essay.
According to her – the teacher – Katie has the ability to become the next J.K.Rowling should
she continue nursing her gift.

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I wish all teachers were like that. I appreciate the fact that she has identified Katie’s strength
and is encouraging her to work on it. The world would be such a better place if our young
ones were encouraged to work on and focus their strengths and talents instead of the
general set up of education that states that if you fail then you will not amount to anything.
I am grateful that I have always known that I would end up in finance even though I did not
think that it would be like this.

“I am so proud of you angel.” Stephen says pulling her in for a hug.

They share a cute father and daughter moment that makes my stomach churn. I love it
when father’s have a great relationship with their daughters. I also had a great relationship
with my dad and every day I wish that he hadn’t left me. I cried so much when I heard that
he had passed on and I still cry to this day whenever I think about him.

“Thanks daddy.”

“You go J.K! We should enjoy reading your work now before you start charging us for it.” I
say.

“Orrr you guys could start buying my work now you know, extra pocket money.”

We share a laugh.

“You are definitely your father’s daughter!” I say shaking my head.

She could probably close down a deal without blinking if she put her mind to it. When we
get outside the breeze hits us and I immediately feel a hundred times better. Y’all can keep
your Joburg and its buildings, just give me my Durban and its breeze and humid air and I am
good. Katie and I slide into the backseat much to Stephen’s annoyance. Apparently he does

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not like this budding relationship that we have going on because he can clearly see that he
will always be on the other side against us two. I find it too cute that he is sulking.

“Are you doing anything on Saturday?” I ask Katie.

She shakes her head lightly. Goodness me she really is a beautiful girl and the fact that she is
humble and respectful heightens her beauty that much more. Stephen and his ex wife are
really doing an excellent job in raising her.

“Would you like to have a girls’ day with me? Maybe go to the spa, get our nails done, pedi’s
as well then we can get our massages and probably throw in a facial. Afterwards we can go
get some lunch and maybe just maybe if grumpy in the front seat agrees we could go back
to my apartment and do movies all night while sipping on some hot chocolate with a whole
lot of marshmallows.”

Never in my life did I think I would be initiating a date with a sixteen year old who happens
to be the daughter of the man that has my stomach fluttering. It is funny how things work
out hey!

“Hot chocolate? I thought you’d say cocktails maybe.”

“Katie Green.” Stephen says sternly.

Katie and I burst into a fit laughter. No wonder Stephen is showing signs of getting grey hair,
his daughter stresses him out!

“Relax old man! You know that I don’t even drink… yet.”

“Katie!”

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“But it is inevitable dad. I am turning eighteen in two years time you know. You should be
glad that I haven’t started indulging in booze yet.”

“I swear you are not too old to get a hiding Katie.”

This back and forth between father and daughter is good for my spirit. I don’t even feel as
crappy as I was feeling a few hours ago.

“I doubt Zana would let you get that far, right Zana?” she says sweetly.

“Oh no! no! no! I am sooooo not getting involved!” I say in a giggle.

“And that is my woman.” Stephen says proudly.

Can somebody spell ‘a blushing mess’? Yeeey again we thank the melanin gods for the extra
sprinkling. He just called me his woman. Look as much as we are spending time together,
and kissing, and sexing, and have confessed that we have feeling for each, we have not
labelled our relationship because we were waiting for my divorce to be finalised and now
that is out of the way we are yet to have that conversation. I don’t want us to find ourselves
in a ‘situationship’ because of assumptions.

Imagine if I were to assume that we are together only for him to later say we were only
fucking or just passing time? I would die!

When we get to Gateway, Katie immediately drags us off to Action Bowling. Stephen follows
suit sullenly. See what I mean about Katie having Stephen wrapped around her little finger.
Did he not say nywe nywe we will not stay out late? Buka manje, we are going bowling, not
that I mind but like I said it’s a school night and I don’t want her feeling tired tomorrow.

“What shoe size?” he asks me.

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Oh no honey! I will not rent those stanky arse bowling shoes. No thank you ma’am! I would
much rather stay with my socks.

“Nah, I’ll bowl with my socks.”

“The shoes do stink, I agree.” He whispers in my ear.

I chuckle lowly. Thankfully we all decide to get through our pins in our socks. Imagine how
many people rent those shoes out every day? Do you think that they get washed every day?
Or maybe replaced? No they do not! Cabanga nje the last person to rent those shoes had
foot fungi, sies!! This is a health hazard. There should be some rule or regulation that forces
these bowling alleys to wash these shoes out every day man.

Watching Katie and Stephen interact has me feeling emotional all over again. I thought that
this would get my mind off of things but clearly it is also adding onto the issue that has been
reignited. My yearning has woken up from its slumber and it hurts. Katie’s giggles send me
straight into the land of wonder. I cannot help but wonder whether or not I would have
made a good mother or not. Would my offspring’s be happy to have me as their mother or
would we have had that love hate, mainly hate relationship? Would we have a close
relationship like Stephen and Katie? Would I even like them nje?

I force myself to snap back to reality before I ruin everyone’s evening. Katie forces me to
throw a few balls and we end up going at it for a while. By the time she is actually satisfied
the time is almost 9PM. We decide to go get some popcorn and drinks at the cinema then
head out to get some takeaways before heading home. I would have loved to sleep in my
bed tonight but I really want Katie to get her rest so we all decide to go to Stephen’s, which
makes him incredibly happy because ‘he misses me’

When we step inside the house Katie and I head into the kitchen while he head up to his
bedroom. We dish up and I get myself a glass of wine while she has juice. Stephen
uzozibona!

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“Thank you for tonight. I really needed it.” Katie says sweetly.

I give her my best smile before sipping on my beverage.

“You are most welcome baby. But next time we should do this on a weekend so that you
can get all your fun in and not regret it the next day.”

“I can’t wait for Saturday.”

I have never seen her this excited. I do hope that I get to see her like this often. Stephen
walks in just as we move to the living room. He hands me a pair of fluffy slippers before
handing Katie hers. He actually bought me slippers that I can use in his house. He is so
sweet. We have our very late supper while watching ‘Say yes to the dress’ apparently it is
one of Katie’s favourite shows. It’s also one of my favourites I admit. Stephen is beyond
bored and argh shame I feel so bad for him but he will just have to deal.

We finish up and I offer to clean up so that little missy can go to bed. We say our goodnights
and she rushes up leaving me with her dad. I enjoy silent moments shared with people
because I believe if you cannot sit in silence with a person then you are not completely
comfortable with them. Comfortable silence is the best!

“So…” he says hugging me from behind.

I relax back into his chest and let his heartbeat soothe me. I have come to realise that the
sound of his heart throbbing against his chest somewhat brings me peace and calm if I could
say so.

“So…”

“I have missed you.” he whispers softly into my ear.

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I feel myself surrendering to him. I feel like Stephen somehow has this dangerous power
over me and I hope that it does not kill me in the future.

“I have missed you right back.” I respond genuinely.

It’s so cute when the spark is still fresh and new and all you guys want to do is be in each
other’s presence all the time. At this point I could literally spend all my time with him and I
wouldn’t get tired of him because in this moment he is all I want all the damn time. He
begins to brush his hands up and down the sides of my arms gently and I feel electric
shockwaves move through my entire body. See what I meant when I said honeymoon phase
things? He could just touch me with his finger nje and I would be ready to spread myself like
a full chicken same time!

He begins to trace soft kisses down my neck and I tilt my head to the left just to give him
room to turn me on more. My breathing escalates when he slides his hands under my top
and cups my breast and begins to squeeze. This man knows how to play me like a cello I tell
you. Within the blink of an eye, I am set on top of the counter and we are engaged in a fiery
kiss. My chest pressed up against his. In this moment I only exist in his world. In this
moment he owns everything that I am.

When he tries to take my jersey off, I come to my senses and remember that Katie is here
and she could just walk into the room at any minute. I hesitantly pull out of the kiss because
that shit is too damn good and I want more of his soft lips.

“What’s wrong?” he asks softly.

“Katie could walk in here any minute. Let’s go up to your room.”

“Our room baby, ours… okay let’s go.”

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He pulls me back in for a kiss and continues to drink from my well as if it will be his last for a
while. Well to tell you the truth that is how I prefer to be kissed. I love it intense and deep,
full of passion and need. Stephen pick me up forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist.
My phat arse better not meet the ground or I will kick him! I heave a sigh and release a
breath when we make it to the bedroom in once peace.

Now for daddy to show me a good time.

*****

“Can we have a conversation?” I ask.

I am lying on his chest after a hectic session of sexing. I have no idea what Stephen was
doing to my vagina but I could not contain my screams, so much so that he ended up having
to put his hand over my mouth just to muffle them. Hei he took me to parallels that I never
knew existed. He gave me some of the best sex that I had ever had.

“Sure.”

I heave a sigh. I just need clarity on what this is. On what we are and where we see this
going.

“Now that my divorce has been finalised and I am officially on the market, are we
exclusive?”

Look I am old and I cannot be beating around the bush like I am a teenager. We call a spade
a spade. We cannot be having sex yet be afraid of having conversations about our emotions
and feelings. No!

“I thought that we had established that.”

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“No we had not. But now we are. Look I appreciate communication Stephen because I do
not want to be caught up in something that I interpreted as a relationship only for you to
turn around and point out the fact that we had never touched on it therefore it is not. You
understand what I’m saying?”

“I hear you baby. Okay, Makhosazana, will you do me the honour of being my woman? I
don’t promise to always be sweet and romantic but I do promise to always do my best to
show you just how much you mean to me. I do promise to always value you and your
feelings as well as your opinion for as long as I live. Yes I plan on cuffing you until I die. I truly
do want to be with you Zana, body, mind and spirit.”

Now how do I say no to that? Tell me how?

“I would be honoured to be yours Mr Green.” I say placing a kiss on his chest.

I do hope and pray that Stephen and I are able to make it through and grow together.
However even if we do not make it, the fact that we tried and gave it our all will make the
memories worthwhile.

*****

How does one leave their comfort and go visit the lion’s den. Rhaaaa! I am currently on my
way to my mother’s house and the drive there could not be any more dreadful. I really do
not want to see her but hey ngizothini. I park outside of the gate and draw a few deep
breaths before stepping out of the car. I bought groceries in hopes of shutting her up and I
hope that it works.

I’m greeted by Sipho doing the garden. Sipho lives a few houses away from my mother’s and
he is a bright young boy who is equally as hard working. He is doing his grade eleven and he
works odd jobs to save up for his varsity days. Our agreement is that I will pay for his fees
provided that he produces a smile worthy report. So far I have been impressed with his

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results and I have no doubt in my mind that he will get accepted into all the universities that
he applied for.

He has expressed how he would like to go to either Wits University or UCT. So he is saving
up just so that he does not have to bother anyone for things that are not school related. I
wish more of our young people had his kind of spirit. Imagine just how brightly the future
would burn! I can only hope and pray to meet more young people who are passionate about
education and bettering their lives. If the Lord permits and by that I mean blesses me
beyond comprehension then I will definitely be first in line to pay fees for as many of these
young people as the wallet agrees to.

“Unjani Sipho?” I ask him.

He gives me his beautiful heart warming smile that makes me forget that I am about to face
a dragon.

“Ngiyaphila unjani wena sistas?”

“Ngiyaphila. How is school going?”

“It’s going well sista. Eighty percent and above uyazi nawe.”

That is what I like to hear. Distinctions make me happy and I am so incredibly happy that he
is aiming for them all year round!

“That is good. I can’t wait to see your end of year results.”

“I promise not to let you down.”

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“No do it for yourself not for me. Anyway unjani lo namhlanje?” I ask.

Sipho chuckles lightly while shaking his head. He also knows that dragon lady breaths fire
because she has been on the receiving end of her flame.

“Ucalm today.” That’s all he says before focusing back on his gardening.

I draw a deep breath before grabbing the groceries then making my way in. I place the
plastics down on the table before making my way into the lounge. My mother still has a
portrait of my father hanging on the wall. The couches we sit on are the ones they bought
together before he passes away – we thank God for leather. Mother is sitting on the couch
reading the bible with a cup of tea on the side table.

“Hi ma.” I greet.

She looks up at me and I know for certain that she is not pleased with me because her face
doesn’t hide that fact. My mother has one of those faces that will let you know exactly how
she feels. I don’t know why but with my tail between my legs I find a seat on the three
setter. Now we wait for the queen to close her bible and give us some attention. Gosh I
could be in Stephen’s arms right now not sitting here and waiting for my mother to snap
and tell me about how great Sandile is and how much of an idiot I was for letting a man like
him go.

When she eventually does give me the time of day, I have already planned what I am going
to cook for dinner tonight and how I am going to approach Katie on Saturday. I do hope that
our day flows and even though there will be awkward moments I just hope that it’s not the
entire day.

“So you went ahead with the divorce?” she asks.

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Is that how we are starting this conversation? No how are you? How is work going?
Hmmkay then.

“Yes WE did. It was a COLLECTIVE decision between MY ex-husband and I.”

I emphasise those words because she needs to understand that only Mazibuko and I could
have taken that decision. Not her and definitely not the rest of the family. Sometimes our
culture is ridiculous in expecting us to sit down with all the elders and try to find ‘a way
forward’ like what way forward is there? The man cheated on me and got someone else
pregnant but I must “reconsider” my decision to leave him? It’s ridiculous!

“Why didn’t you come to us as elders and talk to us?”

“Because that would not have changed anything. Well for me that is.”

“When you got married we sat you down and we explained to you just how difficult
marriage is but you said that you were ready-”

“And I was.” I cut her off. “I was ready to fight for our love when it felt like it was not
burning enough. I was ready to fight through storms for our success in business and in life. I
was ready to fight for our happiness but I was not ready to fight off skanks because my
husband decided to grow a wondering eye. He wanted something that I clearly did not have
and I was not going to spend the rest of my life trying to figure out what that is. I had
already spent a year miserable as hell and I would have been damned if I were to spend
thirty more feeling that exact same way.”

I would be damned if I were to be one of those ‘ngiyabekezela’ women. Like I said I did it for
a year and I was miserable as fuck in the duration.

“So you just gave up?”

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“I don’t understand mama how you sit there and read the bible and still in the same seat sit
there and persecute me for choosing myself. For loving myself and putting myself first. For
being strong enough to walk away from a toxic situation that many others do not. I thought
you would be proud of me for loving myself enough to see that this situation was not
working for me and that it was killing me.”

“Makhosazana!”

“NO MAMA! I have had it with you putting Sandile before me. All these years whenever I
would come to you about problems we had you always sided with him even when he was at
fault. In your eyes he could never do wrong and I put that aside but in this moment I will not
even stand for it. Sandile broke me. He humiliated me but you still chose to stand with him.
His side piece is pregnant, do you know how much that hurts? Or you don’t care vele? Argh.
I don’t even know why I actually came me yazi.” I say getting up.

“Are you throwing a tantrum?”

Wow! I am done! I pick up my bag and slowly make my way out of the living room. I love
her, she is my mother but she is not on my side and I am okay with that I guess. I just need
to put myself first and do what is right for me. I matter! After saying goodbye to Sipho I get
into my car and drive off.

*****

I have been sitting here pondering what could have caused my mother to be this person,
especially when it comes to matters pertaining to my ex marriage. Come to think of it, my
mother and I never have never spoken about anything either than my marriage over the
past few years. No ‘how is work really going’ or anything regarding to my personal life. I
used to think that my father’s passing had something to do with it but now I am not so sure
anymore.

When she is ready to talk to me she will but for now I will be in the comfort of my own
palace relaxing. I’m currently cooking up a storm because Katie and Stephen are coming

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over for dinner. Our Saturday spa date is cancelled because her mom asked her to spend
some time with her and I did not want to come across as the evil girlfriend that is trying to
tear their family apart. Katie and I agreed to have our day soon and that is all that matters I
guess.

I have my mash boiling away on the stove along with my sweet corn – my fave! My meat is
in the oven grilling away and I am making the green salad right now. I should probably make
chakalaka as well ne? Yep! I finish off with the salad then get started on the chakalaka. I love
a bit of heat but shame Stephen and Katie might go pink so I ease up on the chillies. Once I
finish up I head to my room to freshen up. Shew my estate agent better come through for
me soon because I really am not having it with this apartment. I am so used to having an
incredibly spacious house that this apartment – although I am grateful for it – is not doing it
for me.

When a knock comes through the door I am just finish up fixing my hair. I think I look cute. I
rush to go open the door and on the other side of it stand my favourite people. He has two
bottles of wine in his hands and she has cake in hers. They are also wearing matching outfits
which I find so darn cute. Pink and demin is the theme for the evening I guess. Pleasantries
out of the way, we make our way inside and head into the kitchen.

“Daddy daughter duo, you guys look cute!” I compliment them.

They really do.

“Thank you Zana.” Katie says sweetly.

She asks if she can go and watch TV because there is something that she needs to catch up
on. I bet it’s the Kardashians! She has a deep obsession with Kendall. I think that has
everything to do with the fact that she wants to be in the modelling industry but shhh do
not tell her dad because he still has not clue futhi angizingeni mina. The minute she
disappears out of sight Stephen has me in his arms and loves on my lips tenderly. The slow
and passion filled kind of kiss. That kiss that makes you want to give your entire existence to
this person. You know that kiss that makes you feel all soft and mushy and sends chills down

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your spine? The kind that you never want to stop kissing on this person ever. The kind that
makes you realise that yeeeey these are the kind of kisses you deserve.

Not only is it physical but it is also emotional and filled with nothing but passion. My soul is
invested in this moment. I actually do not want it to end. I just want this exact moment for
life.

We eventually pull apart and the first thing he says to me while gazing deep into my eyes is
“You’re beautiful.” Stephen has a way of saying things that make you believe him
immediately and without question. The school girl in me blushes profusely even hiding my
face against his chest. I think he enjoys it when I get like this because he always chuckles.

“You are so cute.” He says laughing.

I cannot help but join in. I am cute when I am around him and I admit it. He just brings out
the little kid in me.

“Stooop teasing me.” I respond in a giggle.

He places a kiss on my forehead before making his way to the fridge where he reaches for
the juice. He pours a glass then walks out. Konje baby girl does not touch alcohol. I decide to
pour myself a glass of wine just to open up my taste buds. I’m kidding I just really like wine
and I do not need a reason to consume it. He walks back in and pours for himself then hops
onto the counter.

“How was your day?” I ask him.

“Long. I am working on something new so obviously that is going to stress me out and take
up most of my time but I will get it right. I always do.”

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“That is true. Well whatever it is that you are working on, I know it will be amazing. You are
amazing at what you do, never double that.” I give him a soft peck.

“You’re good for my confidence babe.”

Oh I bet I am!

We dish up over small conversation before moving to the living room to join Katie. My
people are gobbling down this meal like it is their last. They are particularly raving about the
chakalaka. According to them I should package it and sell it. kanti what do these people eat
when chakalaka is driving them so crazy? Yhuuu hayi.

“Could I please get a takeaway?” Katie asks.

Stephen agrees with her and I cannot help but laugh. Shame they will get their doggy bags
and more!

“You are an excellent cook Zana. In fact you should move in with Katie and I so that you can
give us lessons.”

“More like cook for you guys you mean! Because the three of us know that all you two will
be doing in those ‘lessons’ is just tasting and nothing more.” I say chuckling.

Stephen is a good cook yezwa and he could easily make all these things but he will not
because he wants me to cook for him. I know this man now! he is mine after all hehehe.

I spend my evening with the Green’s and it is nothing short of bliss. These two have a special
place in my heart and in this moment I would not trade them for anything.

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-This part of my life is called realisations

It has been a few months since Stephen and I started taking things serious and I have been
at my happiest since. This man, Stephen Green, loves me, Makhosazana, wholeheartedly
and I love him just as much. He makes me incredibly happy and that is all I could have ever
asked for. He considers my feelings in everything that he does. He consults me before taking
big decision. He sees me in his life for the rest of it and I feel the exact same way. He is the
gift that I have been waiting for from God. I thought that Sandile was everything that I
needed and he was for that season of my life but season required Stephen.

I have been performing at my maximum. I am even back at the gym because of this man.
And no, not because he wants me to lose weight but because he wants me to stay in shape
and healthy. He got his personal trainer to design a personal plan for me that would ensure
that I keep my body as thickems as it is. He knows that I love my chubby body.

The devil – my alarm clock, woke me up about ten minutes ago but I am too tired to even
move an inch. You would be too if you had gym then straight after gym you took part in
orgasmic cardio. Stephen sometimes believes that I can bend past my ability and that he is
young. My man had my back arched and legs in the air at the same bloody time. Please do
not ask me how. At some point he had my face on the ground and my ass on the chair and
his shaft poking at my stomach. To say that that was different would be putting it mildly. I
had never ever experienced such an orgasm.

I think that that position is now my favourite. I want him to take me like that at every turn. I
want him to make me beg and cry like that every time he touches me. Yeses look now I am
wet just thinking about his dick game rhaaaa! I reach for my mini vibrator and get to work.
Thoughts of Stephen pounding me against the wall flood my mind and within seconds I
reach my destination. It is quite funny how you get there in a matter of minutes when you
are playing with yourself yazi but I am so not complaining.

The day I have ahead of me is long so I should probably get up right now. I roll out of bed
and drag my body into the bathroom. I actually deserve a soak this morning, no lies! As I fill
the bathtub I take a look at myself through the mirror and boy do I look horrible? My eyes
are all puffy a testament to just how exhausted I am. I could use few more hours of sleep

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but a girl’s gots to eat so work is where I need to be. I step into the tub and allow the warm
water to soothe my aching muscles. I added the bath salts that baby got for me as well as
my essential oils.

Before I know it my water is running cold and I have to step out before I catch a cold and
before I am late for work. I feel uninspired so I just wrap a doek around my head and throw
on an uninspiring dress and a pair of heels then make my way out. Today I going to be long
but I am ready for it.

*****

I am comfortably sitting on my rug because I needed to be comfortable in order for me to

be actually able to go through these files. We are working on another large production so I
need to know my numbers and be able to crunch them down. By the time lunch tie hits my
brain does not want to be at the office anymore. Have I ever mentioned though that I have
always wanted to be a housewife? No jokes! I would love to own a boutique that has been
sponsored by my loving husband who does not expect a cent of the profits.

Maybe one day this dream of one mine will come true.

A knock comes through the door and before I can even respond Stephen walks in with food
in his hands. Does my heart not flutter? Does my stomach not dance? Does my entire being
not fall in love with him all over again? He knows that I love food and more so when the
food comes from him. Yes it tastes that much better.

“I see that you are quite comfortable.” He teases.

He knows the love affair that I have with rugs and he actually feeds it. When I bought my
new house he offered to rug-up every room that needed a rug. He honestly did not have to
but as my partner he wanted to gift me with something great and I am beyond grateful to
him for that.

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“Argh shut up!” I throw at him.

We share a chuckle while I get up from the floor before finding myself in his embrace. His
lips on mine still cause butterflies in my stomach.

“Hi.” I murmur I against his lips.

His response is a smile through the kiss that immediately has me feeling all giddy. Stephen
has this effect on me that no other man has ever had and he knows it. We eventually
manage to pull apart from each other and settle on the couch. I watch on as he sets the
food on the table. Even this mere action is sexy as hell, like I cannot deal!

“Dig in.” he instructs once he is done setting up.

I remember a time where I never used to eat in my office because I was always afraid that I
would get my sacred space dirty or messy – yes my office is my sacred space! This is where I
spend the most part of my day’s phela. Anyway I did not eat in here until Stephen came into
my life and now look at me excited to eat in here. See what I meant when I said he has me
by the tits?

I dig into this feast of wings, ribs and wedges. Baby really knows how to take care of me and
feed this foodish monster that resides in me!

“How is your day going?” I ask him with my mouthful.

Not lady like, I know but we are at a place where this is normal.

“Well. I am location scouting so I’m just up and down the city looking for the perfect place
to shoot this particular scene. We are actually thinking of shooting it in Johannesburg if we
cannot find a suitable location in here.”

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“The fact that you have already considered a plan b means that your heart knows exactly
where it wants to shoot this and it is not here. So take a flight out to Jozi and go scout
there.”

I have asked why he insists on location scouting himself whereas he can hire an actual
location scout but his response was something about authenticity and originality. I actually
did not understand it but hey!

“See why I need you in my life? You are amazing.”

“You would be lost without me, I know.” I say batting my eyelashes.

He chuckles lightly while shaking his head.

“So…”

“So?” I respond with an eyebrow raised.

Whenever he begins his sentences with ‘So’ it just means we are about to get deep into it.

“Would you ever consider getting married again?”

Oh this question, I understand why the ‘so’… would I ever consider getting married again?
The answer is yes. Look my marriage to Mazibuko was not bitter, it was sad in the end
however over the years he really did treat me good. Marriage is not a bad institution
however people do sometimes create a mess of it thus making it seem bad. It is like saying
that love hurts, love does not hurt, people hurt people. I had believed that love hurt I would
not be here with Stephen.

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“I would.” I give a short response.

He nods lightly before heaving a sigh. We are talking marriage vele?

“It is no secret that I see a lifetime with you Zana and I find it somewhat pointless that we
have to date for years before committing to each other. I already know that I love you and
that I want to spend the rest of my life with you so.”

Hold up! Is this him proposing? Is this little dry speech a proposal?

“Wait.” I cut in. “Where did all of this come from?” I ask curiously.

I know that he loves me and that he wants to spend an eternity with me but I honestly did
not expect this talk now. If he asked me to marry him now would I? I probably would. I
mean I love him. And this feels right. Right?

“I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I am growing older Zana. I am not twenty
anymore and I would love to spend the rest of my days with my woman. I want to create
memories with you that I will forever cherish. I want to travel and experience new things
with you. I want to create and build with you. I want to sustain with you. I just want to be
with you all the damn time! All I need is you. Nothing else. Nobody else. Just you.

The first time I laid my eyes on you I was mesmerised and when you spoke you spoke with
so much authority and assertiveness that just took my breath away. You are amazing for
lack of a better word.”

Okay how could I not feel emotional after that? The truth is I want to experience the same
things with him. I do believe that he is my happiness. I believe that he is my meant to be.
Yes we might have only been together for a couple of months but the happiness I have
experienced in this short while is beyond what I could have ever imagined. I have

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experienced a portion of the world that he so greatly laid down before me and I know that
with each passing day I will experience more and more of it.

“I love you Stephen.” That is all I manage to say.

“I love you too Zana and no this was not a proposal, when that happens you will know for
certain.”

I giggle like a school girl before finding his lips and loving on them. Stephen bloody Green! I
am in love. I am in bloody love and I do not care who says what.

*****

You know sometimes the universe will put you in awkward and uncomfortable situations
just to see whether or not you can handle the kitchen. This is one of those situations. So just
as I was leaving work Stephen calls and asks for a huge favour. Naturally I agree and I throw
in a casual ‘you know I would do anything for you’ because this is my man and we had just
had that conversation on marriage and how serious we are about each other. This man tells
me Katie needs to be fetched from her mother’s place and he cannot do it because he is on
set.

I never thought I would ever need to meet this woman because Katie is almost an adult so
there would be no need for me to communicate with her but the reality of things is that I
had to meet her because she is the mother of my love daughter, I just did not expect it to be
so abruptly and without Stephen being present.

I park my car outside of the gate and call Katie to let her know that I am here. She tells me
to come inside and loooort do I not say a prayer? I do not want to be panel beat at some
other woman’s house for being with the father of her child. I have played around with the
idea that she might still be in love with Stephen but that is just my mind taking things out of
proportion.

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The gate opens and I suck my breath in before walking in. This is a beautiful yard, spacious
and well-kept. I can just picture myself having a picnic here. Sipping on some cocktails with a
selection of finger foods offered. As I am about to knock at the door it opens and before me
stands a beautiful tall brunette. No wonder Katie is such a catch! Her parents are aliens!
Tjeeeer.

“Hi, you must be Zana. I’m Jasmine.” She offers a fake smile.

Yep I am definitely not welcomed in this house. I return the same energy that she is giving
off. I will not play nice nice with someone who looks and feels just about ready to jump me.

“Hi Jasmine.” I return the greeting.

‘Nice to meet you’ would be a lie and I was taught never to lie. She makes way for me and I
walk in then follow her into the living space. I am surprised to see a picture of Stephen on
the table but I shrug it off as something Katie did. She loves her father so that would not be
surprising.

“You know when Katie told me that her father had moved on I was not expecting someone
as yourself.”

Eerm excuse me? What does that even mean? Nginjani? Fat? Black? Beautiful? Which one?
Yhuu the world is filled with Judgemental Judy’s unfortunately. I tilt my head trying to think
up a response to what has just been said but my mind cannot even construct a simple
sentence so I just shake my head instead.

“How sure are you that he will not leave you the same way that he left me?” She asks
aggressively.

Her tone is highly aggressive. So I was correct in assuming that she might still be hung up on
him but then again I would be too I mean Stephen is a catch and a half. A drop of sexiness
and a sprinkling of kind-heartedness. A deadly combo!

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“If he leaves me then it was not meant to be. I walk away and wish him well. It is that
simple.” I respond in my best Miss SA composure and posture.

Can Katie just hurry up and come down so that we can get out of here.

“It won’t work out.” she spits out.

Oh Bitter Betty! How cute! I will not respond to her because that would mean me stooping
down to her level and that is not something that I am about to do. I cannot help but wonder
though after this little encounter how his mother is going to react to me because from what
I know she is a huge fan of Jasmine and she would probably do just about anything to have
them back together.

Sigh that is another huddle that we are going to have to jump over kodwa we will see as
time goes.

“Okay.”

“If I were you I would leave him before he breaks my heart.”

“Well then I guess that it is a good thing that you my darling are not me.” my tone is as
friendly as it can be.

“I cannot believe Stephen!” she spits angrily.

I know that the fact that we are an interracial couple is always going to get some flack
unfortunately. We live in a society where not everyone is accepting of certain relationships
or statuses because they do not understand them. As long as Stephen has got me then I am
sooooo good!

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“I’m done.” Katie walks in dragging a suitcase.

Thank God! I was about to lash out.

So she is not coming back here any time soon? Oh well. I get up and help her with her other
bag while her mother shoots daggers in my direction. Like I care.

“I will see you mom.” She says walking ahead of me.

I feel like this situation is deeper than Katie has let in. I mean she is in the middle of her
exams and the reason she wanted to be back at her mom’s was because she wanted to
focus and have her mother’s support and now we are dragging suitcases haai. I help her
load everything into the boat then get into the car while she says bye to her mother. They
don’t even share a hug to say bye? Yhuuu.

She slides into the car and we drive off. You can tell just looking at her that whatever is
happening is wearing her out.

“What’s wrong Katie? And please do not say it is nothing because I can see that it is
something.”

She heaves a sigh before turning her entire body to face me. I steal a glance at her; give her
a faint smile before focusing back on the road. Argh shame the poor baby.

“A few months back, like last year before you and dad were together things started to
change at home. Mom started working late more often and that affected our relationship.
Remember that day I took an uber to dad’s and I found you there?”

I nod lightly. That was the day Stephen lost his marbles.

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“I was tired of being alone. I tried to stick it out but I just could not. When I asked dad if I
could move in with him permanently I was exhausted of the tension between mom and I.
She just doesn’t care about me and my schooling lately and it hurts me because she is
supposed to be my mother. She is supposed to love me and be there for me but she is
hurting me. Plus since you and dad have gotten serious and you and I have gotten closer she
feels like I am also replacing her so she is lashing out.

I wish she could just talk to me instead of acting like a kid.”

Sigh. This is a tough situation. You know it is bad when your child thinks that you are acting
childish. Jasmine might be going through things that none of us know about and as a woman
I know just how difficult it is at times to call out and say that you are drowning. We are
expected to always have things on ‘lock’ and lord forbid you breakdown because you then
come across as a weak woman. Society has these ridiculous standards for women that make
it so difficult at times for us to be ourselves. And not the person that we “always” are but
the person that we need to be in that moment.

“I don’t know your mother therefore I cannot excuse her behaviour but I would suggest that
you sit down with your father and open up to him about this because as far as he knows,
you live with him because you wanted to get closer to him. So just have a chat with him and
then the two of you can take it from there.”

That is as much as I can say on this situation. As much as I do not like Jasmine she is the
mother of my love child and I do not want to say things that might have a hand in damaging
their relationship. Again as much as Katie has me, her more needs to be her first go to
person in any situation.

“Daddy is going to freak you know that.” she says softly.

“I will talk to him before, how does that sound? Hopefully that will butter him up before the
hard talk?”

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“You would do that?”

I glance at her and I find her beautiful face beaming. Oh sweet child.

“I would do anything for you.” I find myself saying.

I mean it. I love this child and as much as currently I feel like I do not have the right to be
protective over her, I would do anything to protect her. As a woman who does not have
children of her own I was not anticipating on meeting and falling in love with a man who has
a child and a child who would welcome me into her heart like Katie has done. I never
thought that I would get the opportunity to be a mother and I had actually made peace with
it but then came my love family.

It is true when they say God works in mysterious ways really.

Katie and I go through the drive-thru at KFC for some ice cream and that seems to cheer her
up a bit because our conversation is lighter and she is letting me in on her dilemma. She has
three guys who are after her and she does not know who to fully give her heart to. It is so
cute! Apparently Xolani makes her heart and her stomach dance so obviously I say go for it!
I cannot wait for her to go on a date and drive Stephen crazy! Ooooh so much fun! That man
is going to lose it!

*****

When Katie and I get home she decides that no one is cooking tonight and that I am
sleeping over. She is needy right now so I understand. We order four large boxes of pizza
because I am a woman with a big appetite who has a man and a love daughter who also
have large appetites that are just as large. While we are waiting for the food to get delivered
Katie goes up to her room to study a bit while I raid Stephen’s closet for something
comfortable to slip into. I settle on his sweatpants and a t-shirt. I should probably take his
offer of occupying some of his closet space. He has been nagging me to bring some of my
clothes here and I have been refusing simply because I feel like that would be me somewhat
moving in and that is not what I want.

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Once I am dressed I take my phone and head to the kitchen where I mix a drink for myself.
Gin and tonic because according to Mr Green I am addicted to wine. I do not think so but
hey I will indulge him. My mind drifts off to Katie’s strained relationship with her mother
and I cannot help but feel sad. I know what it feels like to have this kind of relationship with
your mother and honestly I wish they are able to work things out because every child
deserves to have a happy and healthy relationship with their mother.

I wish I had such with my mother but I see that it is far too gone to be repaired. We used to
have a close relationship. It was not tight tight but I could sit and chat to her about certain
things, that was until I got married and she sided with Sandile on everything. I felt betrayed
in some instances and when I would try to be vocal about those things she would
completely shut me down. So I just stopped trying. And well here we are. I do not want the
same thing to happen to Katie and Jasmine.

Mr Green walks in just as the pizza is being delivered and he offers to pay for everything
which I gladly allow. He set the pizza on the kitchen counter before finding comfort in each
other’s lips. My happy place!

“How was your day?” he asks after pulling back from the kiss.

“It was alright ended off with a bang.” I chuckle lightly. “And yours?” I ask.

He tilts his head and gives me that smile that says ‘go on’ of course he wants to know how
things went with Jasmine. So I let him in on what happened and how his ex is still in love
with him and thinks that I ma not his type basically. Stephen being Stephen laughs it off and
tells me that I am being dramatic. Of course he thinks that!

“Stephen I am serious!”

“Even if she still wants me, she knows that she cannot have me so relax baby.” He places a
soft peck on my lips.

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Very assuring!

“Seriously though, Jasmine and I were broken. It would not have worked even if we had
tried. Have you never heard that you cannot play on broke strings? You cannot make it work
if it is beyond damaged. She cheated on me, I would not have stayed for that. We have been
divorced for years now and if she is still holding onto the hope that we might possibly fix
things well then that is on her and not on me.

I have moved on with the most gorgeous, kind hearted, sexy, intelligent, peaceful, did I
mention beautiful, woman there is out there. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. I
would never do you like that. We have both been done dirty like Katie would say and I
would hate myself if I hurt you like that.”

Is my heart not smiling right now? I am on the verge of tears even. This man though! I
cannot.

“So where is Katie?” he asks.

“I’m here.” She shouts as she walks in.

He lets go of me and opens his arms for her which she gladly walks into his embrace. I leave
the father and daughter to share their moment. Hopefully she will open up to him about
what is happening between her and her mother.

I decide to make myself comfortable in front of the TV while they have their moment. Some
Black-ish maybe? I think yes!

*****

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“Katie is moving in here permanently and will only visit her mother when she feels like it I
guess. She told me how strained their relationship has been and as a father I feel horrible
for not noticing. I feel so terrible for only seeing her on weekends and thinking that her
tantrums were only because she is at that age you know. I should have known that that was
her way of crying out. Of reaching out to me.”

We are lying in bed cuddling. The little moment that they shred before dinner continued
right after dinner and of course I gave them space because I did not want to get involved
like that. When he slid into the covers he just pulled me into his arms and held onto me.

“I will not let you blame yourself Stephen. You could not have known. END OF! You and
Katie have a strong bond so you believed that if anything was wrong she would let you
know. She chose not to because of reasons known to her. Do not play the blame game. At
least you know now and you can now work through things and try to find out what exactly is
going on with Jasmine.”

I will honestly not allow him to blame himself for this. No!

“I just feel like I should have known Zana.”

“But you couldn’t so down beat yourself up. I will not stand here well in this case lie here
and allow you to!”

He chuckles lightly. I know that he is chuckling for.

“What did I do to deserve you?” he asks.

I lift my head up from his chest and look at him before smiling.

“Nothing! BUT God saw it fit to bring us together.” I say warmly.

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Is it safe to say that this is my greatest love? Or do I need to wait a couple of more years
before declaring that.

“I love you so much Makhosazana.”

“I love you too Stephen.”

We spend the night having conversations about nothing. I did not know that Stephen was a
nerd in school. Apparently he was the school’s number one dork. I chortled when he
showed me a picture of himself in high school with a huge arse bag on his back. I would say I
laughed at his glasses but I did not because they made him look cuter than he is. In fact I
prefer him with glasses on because he looks that much sexier!

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-This part of my life is called yearning and accepting

The past week has been emotionally taxing and draining so much so that I have taken the
next two weeks off of work. Today is the worst of them. I woke up with this ache in my
heart as well as this deep yearning. It has been a while since I have felt this way and it hurts
so so bad. I don’t even want to get out of bed. In fact I am not going to even attempt to. I
will just stay in here and be within myself.

I just need to cry until I have no tears left in me. It is ties like these when I miss Oratile, my
best friends, she moved to the states a couple of years ago but I miss her every day. Yes we
do talk but it is not enough man. I just need to be in someone’s arms and just let it all out.
My phone rings attempting to pull me out of my depressive state but it does not succeed
because I do not even attempt to reach for it. Like I said, I just want to stay in bed and
wallow.

I thought that I would never get into such a space again but I guess life had other plans. I
know exactly what triggered this episode, it was seeing pictures of Mazibuko gazing at his
newborn son with eyes filled with nothing but love. I saw the pictures on mama’s whatsapp
statuses. He looked so happy and the fact that I had never seen him that happy in our time
together just I guess left me a tad broken. Don’t get me wrong I am happy for him but I just
cannot help but feel sad, you know?

The pounding at the door forces me to get out of bed and drag myself all the way down to
go open. I know for a fact that Stephen is on the other side of the door and is responsible
for alarming the entire estate. I bet he threatened the security at the gate just so that he
can get in because this estate is super strict which is what I love about it. I feel safe here. I
get to the door and open it. As I had thought, it’s Stephen. I let him in and leave him to close
and lock the door while I drag myself to the kitchen.

I have not had any solids in about two days and even now I do not feel like food but I will
make a smoothie because despite feeling like trash and like the world is ending I do not
want to die. Yes it feels like death would be the only way to be rid of this yearning and pain
but it is not and I know that.

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He walks in and never mind the fact that I might smell like a morg, he pulls me into his arms
and holds me tightly. From the way that his body is shaking I can tell that he was worried
sick. I have not been answering his calls nor returning his texts and I know that that was
selfish of me but I just needed to be by myself.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper.

His hold on my body tightens and I allow him. He clearly needs this moment more than I do
so I let him. I did not mean to worry him but I also could not let him in on this because he
would have insisted on being here for me and I did not want that.

“I was just so worried Zana. Each time I could not get hold of you I lost a piece of myself and
when they told me that you had not been coming in I just lost it. I was so worried. With the
splurge of women and children going missing without a trace, I just thought that… I
thought…”

“Shhhhh. It’s okay. I am safe. You hear me? I am safe. I’m sorry that I had you worried. I just
needed some time to myself.”

“I understand.”

He pulls away from the hug and gives me a peck on my lips before gazing deep into my soul.
I cannot help but breakdown. I cry. I cry because I need to cleanse my heart. I cry because I
need this moment. And I cry because he seems to make me vulnerable. He makes me want
to release it all without shame. He should not have this kind of effect on me but he does. He
does and I will not fight it. Instead I will allow myself to feel everything and go through the
emotion that I need to.

I eventually calm down and untangle myself from his warm hold. He cups my face, wipes my
tears then kisses my nose. I guess I needed to be in his arm while letting it out because I feel
slightly better.

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“How are you go and bath while I make you something to eat?” he says.

All I can do is nod as I slowly drag myself all the way to my bedroom to run a bath for
myself. Once the tub is full I step in and close my eyes. The warm water is everything on my
skin right now. I try my hardest to clear my mind and have nothing buzzing while I attempt
to relax. That seems to work because I find myself even falling asleep a bit. I would have
slept but the water slowly turning cold is not allowing me to be great. I step out, dry myself
then apply lotion all over my body before throwing on a gown and heading back to the
kitchen.

When I get in I find him flipping pancakes like the pancake master that he is. Pancakes and
flapjacks by Mr Green are the best. I think his extra special ingredient might be his dash of
extra loving or saliva, whichever one works best. He tells me to take the milkshakes and
syrup to the living room and settle while he is finishing up. I make myself comfortable on the
rug while waiting for him and his incredible pancakes. Within minutes he walks in and my
stomach immediately growls.

I have been so in my ‘feeling’ that I had not actually realised just how hungry I have been.
We say grace and by the time he says amen I already have my hand in the cookie jar! I go at
these like a fat kid in a candy store. These are bloody amazing and I tell him just as much.
We eat in silence with moans of appreciation coming out of my mouth with each bite that I
take. The maple syrup on top is just making them that much more delicious.

I am grateful to him for coming through because tjeeer hunger had me where it wanted me.

“Thank you for this.”

“You’re my woman. It is my duty to take care of you and put a smile on your face.” he
responds with a warm smile across his face.

This man, like I always say is just incredibly amazing and I am blessed to have the chance to
call him my man. Who would have thought that I would be with this man? Such a man?
Yhuuuu!

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“So would you like to let me in on what is happening?”

The tone of his voice is soft yet firm and I know why. It is because we had a conversation
about being open and talking about everything no matter how uncomfortable it might be. I
know that I broke the promise that I made to him but that is because he does not have a
clue about this issue and I did not want to let him in on it.

How do I begin to tell him that I cannot bare or have the one thing that I yearn for most of
the time? It is so damn hard.

“I… it’s…” I heave a sigh.

“Whatever it is, we can go through it together. I told, I am here for you and I love you. Its
you and I baby, all the way.” He says assuring me.

He loves me and I trust him. Here goes nothing.

“I want a child Stephen…” I manage to say.

“Okay then let’s make one.” His response easily rolls off of his tongue.

“No you don’t understand. I want a child but I cannot have one.” I say in a low voice.

My heart shatters with each word I say. No matter how many times I say those words it
does NOT get easier.

“I don’t understand.” You can see the confusion clearly visible on his face.

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I draw a breath before opening my mouth to let him in.

“When I was sixteen I experienced chronic pelvic pains. I would get these sharp pains on my
rectum and prolonged periods. My abdomen always felt like it was on fire and until a certain
point I did not take it seriously. When I eventually did we found out that I had adenomyosis
which is basically the thickening of the uterus. I unfortunately had to undergo a
hysterectomy back then I did not need to know why, all I hear was that my life depended on
it so I did it. At sixteen I had the change of being a mother in the future taken away from
me.”

I remember back then I did not think much of it. I was young and I convinced myself that I
wouldn’t want kids in the future vele. So I took what was dealt to me and I carried on with
life. I didn’t think much of it until Sandile proposed to me. I obviously had to let him in on
everything and he understood, that I cannot take away from him. He really understood and
he helped me deal but obviously as the years went by I would have these moments of
yearning. Moments where I would see happy families at the park. Mother’s taking strolls
with their young ones and the pain of not being able to have one of my own would visit me.

Sandile was always there to help bring me out of the darkness and remind me that being a
mother did not make me more or less of a woman. He was great in that regard and he never
at any point pressured me to find surrogates or any of that. He was just great. But obviously
the yearning will always be there.

“I am achieving everything that I want in terms of my career but right now I want to be a
mother. I want to have sleepless nights due to my child not sleeping. I want to change
smelly nappies. I want to be on the verge of pulling my hair out because my baby is being a
dramatic little human being. I just want to be a mother. I want to breastfeed and form a
bond with my baby that no one can break. I want to be there for them when life gets tough.
I also want to be there for them when life is at its maximum. I just want to experience the
pure joy of being a mother.”

Without offering any words he pulls me into his arms and rests my head on his chest. He
feels my pain, I can feel it. He is not taking pity on me rather he is being sympathetic. I

162
appreciate him for this. He holds me in his arms while stroking my hair and placing random
kisses on my head. I feel safe here in his arms. I feel accepted. I just feel at home.

“I love you and thank you for opening up to me about this.” He says kissing my head.

“I’m sad.” I say truthfully.

I will not hide my emotions from him.

“And it is okay to feel that way. In fact you should never try to hold it in. Always know that in
my arms you will find no judgement. I will always give you my undivided attention and
affection. My arms should and will be your safe haven. Never doubt that. So cry and let it all
out. Scream, punch me whatever it is that you need to do to ease the pain a little bit, do it.
And do not hold back.”

Do I not sob? Not only because he just allowed me the opportunity to but for the fact that
he is this man and he genuinely cares about me. I sometimes wonder though if this is the
real Stephen. I mean yes he is amazingly incredible but I have this fear that he might switch
up on me. Or re we as women just always waiting for him to mess up because ‘all men mess
up’

Sigh.

But then again he is old and like he once said, he is not here to play games. He knows
exactly what it is that he wants and that is me!

I am so blessed to have him. No jokes!

I eventually manage to pull myself together and untangle myself from his hold to wipe my
face. I bet I look horrible with all this crying I have been doing over the past week. When I

163
look up I find him gazing back at me with eyes filled with nothing but love and warmth. I
return the smile before heaving a sigh and shaking my head. You know when you have that
crying session that makes you feel like a whole load has been lifted off of your shoulders?
That is how I feel in this moment. I feel like my heart has been opened slightly if that even
makes sense.

“God, you’re so beautiful. You are a phenomenal woman, an even better lover and a great
love mother to Katie. I wish I could offer some words that would take away some of your
pain and help you understand as to why you specifically had to go through that but as you
have often said to me, everything happens for a reason according to God’s purpose and will.
It might never make sense as to why you had to go through this but it does not make you
any less of a woman. If anything I commend you for the strength that you possess.

You my love are magnificent. You are the embodiment of strength and an example of what
carrying your cross and caring it means. You could have easily given up on life when the
yearning and realisation of everything hit but you chose to push through and here you are.

I know it is not the same but you have Katie now and she loves you like a mother and a
friend. Yes she might almost be the same age as you but she is yours to mother now. It will
not make up for the inability to have your own but as time goes maybe God will make a way
and you will be afforded the blessing that you so greatly yearn for but until then we accept
that this is the hand that God has dealt us.”

His words have me feeling extra emotional and the fact that he used the word ‘us’ makes it
even that much more touching.

“Thank you and I love you.” that is all I manage to say.

He smiles widely before he leans in and takes my lips in his. As always his kiss makes me
weak. The combination of the saltiness of my tears and his passion ignite a fire in me that
only he can turn out and in order for him to turn it out he needs to drink from my well. Yes
he creates a well whenever he touches me. He is that deadly I tell you! Before I can even say
anything he has me on my back and is hovering over me still devouring my lips.

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I hold onto his back and wrap my legs around his waist. I am taking this moment in! All of it.

My outfit is gone with the wind as he begins to love on my breast while his finger tenderly
works on my bean. Can he just take me already? Also can I call him Stevovo, so I can say
‘Take me now Stevovo?’ hehehe Makhosazana! I really do not want foreplay I just want him
in and as if though he can hear my thoughts he rubs his tips up my warm slick before slowly
making his way in.

That moment when the head blobs in. You know that feeling? The best I tell you and you
have to suck in your breath a bit.

His thrusts are slow, controlled and gentle like he is afraid to break me. I think this moment
does deserve to be a slow love making moment because of the vulnerability that I am
currently feeling.

“I love you.” he says as he continues to take me slowly.

“I love you too.” I say trying to keep it together.

I am trying but I am falling. With each thrust I feel my tears burning my eyes. With each
thrust my heart is saying ‘Cry Khosi.’

Before I know it my tears are falling freely. He likes the fact that he has this effect on me
because he is smiling. More like smirking actually. My tears make him happy and the fact
that his rod is knocking up against all the right places is driving me even crazier. Good dick
bafethu! Yhuuu.

Can I just give myself a high five for bagging this man and his dick? Like yesseees!

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*****

Last night was magical. He loved on my body the entire night and made me feel like the
most important person in the entire universe. I cannot recall how many ‘I love you’s’ I
uttered. He made sure that he had me exactly where he wanted me. He had control over
me like nobody’s business and I am not mad at that actually.

Mr Green walks in with a tray in his hands and places it on the night stand before kissing me.
Stephen and kisses are the best of friends. It does not matter where we are, he just smacks
one right on my lips.

“Well good morning Mr Green.”

“Good morning gorgeous. I made you something to eat.” He says with a broad smile
plastered across his face.

I return the smile before sitting up and reaching for the tray. A healthy bowl of oats as well
as bacon and eggs. I sometimes forget that I am dating a white man. Really in my world it is
either bacon and eggs oats. That is how I grew up and I carried this through in my married
life except for those days when I felt like going all out and even then I would not make oats
or porridge with bacon and eggs. Yhuuu hayi.

He made my oats the instagram way just the way that I like it. Blueberries, chia seeds,
strawberries and warm milk. Heaven!

“This is amazing baby, thank you.” I compliment.

“Enjoy.”

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He settles next to me and like a creep watches me as I eat. Apparently he does not trust that
I will finish the breakfast if he leaves me alone. He is so dramatic but caring and I find it
cute!

I finish up which earns me a sweet kiss from the man accompanied by a ‘good girl’ mxxm lo
thinks that I am his child ngyabona!

He has to leave for work but he is afraid of leaving me all by myself and unfortunately for
him I am still not in the mood for a crowd so I will not go to set with him. Ngeke! I assure
him that I will be fine and that I will call him every hour if need be. He takes that and again
steals a kiss before heading into the bathroom to bath.

Sigh.

Love is such a beautiful thing and I hope and pray that you never give up on it no matter
how much you had been hurt in the future. I swear with the right on it is just beautiful.

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-This part of my life is called the actual beginning

It has been a year and two months since Stephen and I started dating and a lot has
happened since then. Hmm let’s see, my mother reached out and we had a conversation. I
did not walk away from it wanting to reconcile but I am glad that we spoke and are civil
towards each other I guess. Stephen tried to get me to try again but hayi ngigrand. I can love
you from afar angithi? Yes!

Let’s see what else, oh yes Jasmine and I got into it and a friend came from the most unlikely
place – Stephen’s mother. Yes you read right! So what happened was that Katie, my sweet
love child, was asked out on a date and because she lives with her father and I spend most
of my time there, she spoke to me about it before talking to her parents. My job was to
butter daddy up which I did but I also told her to have a chat with her mother about it.
Obviously daddy lost it and threw a tantrum but in the end he let her go – not that he had a
choice.

So the problem came when I offered to chaperone the date because honestly I could not let
her go on her own. The plight of young women in this country is worrying and I would not
be able to live with myself if my baby were to go missing whereas I could have somewhat
tried to prevent it. If it was during the day I would have probably allowed it but it was in the
evening so I had to tag along.

Katie obviously told Jasmine and she came here hurling insults at me taking about how I was
trying to take her daughter away from her the same way I took Stephen. She accused me of
being the reason that her relationship with her daughter was shaky. Heeey I was insulted.
My weight was made fun of. My skin tone and finances as well. I was just about to respond
when Mrs Green walked into the room and put Jasmine in her place. She basically called her
loose.

Stephen witnessed the encounter and I think that that moment drew him closer to his
mother. To see her standing up for me in that manner tugged at his heartstrings. She is not
the friendliest person alive – Mrs Green that is – but once she saw just how happy Stephen
and I were she let up and welcomed me.

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Anyway Katie’s date went well but she does not like the guy as much as she thought she did
so she cut him loose. I was so proud of her for not choosing to stick around, that assured me
that she would not settle for mediocre in future.

Katie and I’s relationship is growing from strength to strength and I am loving each and
every moment. Each time she comes up to me and opens up about something I remember
Stephen’s words saying that she is mine just as she is his. She really does take me as her
second mother so much so that I have graduated to being called ‘ma’ which is why I am
balling my eyes out in Stephen’s arms.

He is obviously taking this lightly but to me it is such a huge deal because I did not think that
I would ever have anyone call me ‘ma’ even though she is as old as I am. It is heart-warming
to see that I have this effect on her. I love her and I love that she loves me s well.

“Are you done crying now?” he teases.

I punch his chest before breaking out in a laugh. I might have been a tad dramatic but it all
comes from a good place.

“You are so cute. But cute as you are you are a lousy packer so are you done?”

I roll my eyes before slowly turning way and walking into the closet. So we are going to the
Seychelles because apparently I deserve a trip! Dating rich men is life I tell you! Random
trips galore. And it helps that Stephen believes in spending your hard earned money
because you worked hard for it and you might just die before you spend it. So I am out here
living my best life with his hard earned cash.

We board later today and I am done packing much to his disappointment! I am ready for
this trip me!

*****

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This place is breathtaking. Each time I come here I find myself falling deeper in love. I think it
is because of the clear blue water. My mind is calm and my heart is at peace. I am at my
happiest right now and with this man beside me everything makes sense. Honestly getting t
this point was not difficult. Our road was not paved with rocky roads which were meant to
strengthen us. I think that the fact that we communicate about everything makes it easier to
grow and learn more about each other.

If I do something that he does not like or appreciate then he communicates and it is that
simple really. COMMUNICATION makes everything that much greater and easier.

We are having dinner on the beach with the sun setting before our eyes and it is a
magnificent set up.

“I love you.” he says softly.

Oh my heart!

“I love you too.”

“Words fail me at times and I never know how to express my love for you but I hope that my
actions show just how much I actually love you. You are the best thing that has ever
happened to me, just don’t tell Katie.”

I giggle at that. Such a silly silly man.

“Up until I had you in my life I never knew that you were the missing piece. I never knew
that you were what I needed in order for my life to feel complete. You walked in and
gracefully turned it around. You ignited a fire in me that I didn’t even know was dimmed.
You made me come alive again. With you by my side my smile is broader. My shoulders
lighter and my life where it should be in this moment.

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I love you Makhosazana. More than you will ever know and I want to spend the rest of my
life with you.”

He drops to his knee and my whole entire world comes to a standstill. He is proposing to
me? He wants to marry me?

“Would you do me the honour of spending the rest of your life with me? Will you marry
me?”

You do not need to tell me twice. I launch himself at him and kiss him all over his pink face.
Shame he was really nervous. I realise that I have not said yes so I shout it out and look on
as he slides the rock up my finger.

I am someone’s fiancé?

I am going to be Mrs Green?

Oh but God’s plans! He knows exactly when to pour the blessings upon your life. He knows
what it is that you need in each exact season of your life. I could have easily given up on live
and not even given Stephen the time of day but God knew that this man was destined for
me. He knew that Stephen was my future and that he would wipe all of the tears that I cried
in the final year of my marriage.

Never doubt the plans that God and the universe are putting together for you. Always
believe that all things will come together for your good. That the tears you have cried
cannot be compared to the joy that is coming your way.

WOW!

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Second chance at life.

Second chance at marriage!

I have a fiancé that loves me whole heartedly and a daughter who appreciates me I have it
all and I could not ask for more!

*****THE END*****

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