BE SLOW TO SPEAK

HOW TO EFFECTIVELY USE A TIME OUT

Come to a mutual understanding that time-outs are okay.

Do this early on, before you find yourselves in an escalating argument. For example, you could both
agree on: 1) when it is appropriate to use a time-out 2) the purpose of the time out, which is to
change your state of mind, to create space and time to self-soothe and reflect on what to do next,
and not to avoid or control the argument, and 3) how a time-out could be carried out, which leads us
to the next point.

Communicate that you need a time out.

When you are feeling too overwhelmed to talk, suggest up front in a forthright way that you need a
break to calm down and think. “I know we need to talk about this, but I’m too mad right now. I need
time to think.” Keep it short, but try to give the other person something to hold on to during the break
(i.e. reassurance that you are not giving up, that you intend to work it out.)

Indicate a time frame.

Try to come to some agreement on how long your time-outs should be. Generally, your body’s heart
rate and breathing should return to normal after about a half-hour, but you may feel you need more
time than this to think things through.

If so, try to agree on a time when you will come back to talk about it. An hour or so might be
reasonable (assuming neither of you have other time commitments), but longer may be necessary.
Generally, more than twenty-four hours is too long as after that length of time it begins to feel like
avoidance.

Soothe yourself and reflect on a new course of action.

Once you leave, use the time away to soothe yourself. Focus on relaxing as you take some deep
breaths. Let go of any angry, self-righteous thoughts you are thinking. Do something that
helps you soothe yourself in a healthy way. Perhaps take a walk, draw a bath, listen to some music,
or meditate. Do some stretching. Some people find that they think best and calm down more easily
while doing physical work such as washing dishes or working outside.

Once you are more calm, use the time to yourself to reflect. Ex. Do your ADCD’s.

Return and repair.

Remember that the crisis is not over. Once your heart rate has returned to normal and you have a
better sense of what triggered you and what else you were feeling besides just being angry, its time
to return and talk things through. Sometimes after this calming down period, partners realize that
what they were fighting about wasn’t important enough to fight about. Neither of you may want to stir
up the negative feelings again, so you may be tempted not to discuss it anymore. However, it is
really important to repair the damage that was done and to apologize for the hurts caused by the
things you said or did prior to the time-out.
In addition, it can be helpful to have a calm, objective discussion about why you both reacted the
way you did so that you have some understanding of what each of you were feeling and how you
can avoid such hostilities in the future. This is why it is so important to spend some time really
thinking about what you needed and what you were feeling when you responded to your spouse
initially with anger or withdrawal. You may also realize that what you were fighting about was not the
real issue, and shift the focus of your discussion to the more central issue.

THINGS TO TRY AND AVOID

Storming away.

Leaving angrily without an explanation, without saying where you are going, why you are leaving, or
when you will be back, will only give your partner cause to think you are avoiding the issue, and to
resent your withdrawal.

If possible, try to avoid saying in an angry tone of voice things like, “I can’t talk to you,” and walk off
in a huff. This is more fuel on the fire. You may eventually cool down, but because you made it
sound like it was your partner that was the problem, instead of explaining that you needed to change
your own state of mind, then your spouse is likely to feel abandoned and anxious, and to ruminate
and fume about your “avoidance” and about your last words instead of using the time for his or her
own self-soothing.

Staying angry.

Sometimes a time-out doesn't really work because we feel so hurt and angry that we use the time
away to nurse all the negative things we felt about our partner to begin with. Use your time instead
with the conscious motivation of improving the situation or, in some cases, diffusing your anger (i.e.
running, etc.) and not confronting (i.e. abusive relationship).

Staying away.

It is best not to let too much time pass before returning, apologizing, and acknowledging you’re the
other persons feelings. Even if you are unable to reconnect for a while due to time constraints, it can
still be a good idea to return quickly to apologize for the earlier hostilities and plan a definite time to
finish working out your differences later on.

When people merely avoid each other, there is no resolution. Avoidance can go on for days or
indefinitely, with no clear commitment to return, to clear the air or to resolve the issue. During the
“ceasefire,” people place little emphasis on taking personal responsibility. Chronic avoidance leads
to resentment and bitterness and a long list of unresolved issues.

Following the person who requested a time-out.

This one is really important, as following the person when he or she attempts to use a time-out, will
likely contribute to an escalation of the fighting and make both of you less inclined to think that a
time-out will work at all. If you can, try to let that person go and trust your their word that he or she
will calm down, think things through and come back.

Resolving problems when you are stressed, hungry or tired.

Another suggestion is to try not to resolve your differences when either of you are overtired, or under
excessive stress. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes the best thing we can do is to go to bed
angry (as long as we re-visit the issue in a timely manner, and not carry the grudge with us
throughout the next day). The next morning often brings with it a different perspective and a softened
heart.

Practice writing a time out contract:

TIME OUT CONTRACT

1) When will we use a time out?

2) What is the purpose of the time out?

3) How will we indicate that we need a time out?