Step 4 Pre Course Work

Hoffman Process
Pre-Course Work
Name: Process Date:
Please carefully read the following information

before beginning your Pre-Course Work
Why do I need to do the Pre-Course Work (PCW)?

 To provide you with a way of discovering and understanding more about
who you are and why you behave in the ways you do
 To prepare you for the important work you will do in the Hoffman Process
 To explore and make connections between your childhood and the challenges
you experience today
 While the main purpose of the PCW is for your own preparation and
learning, your facilitator will also read it, with the intention of understanding
your history, your life today, your challenges and how to best support you
during your time with us
How do I complete the PCW?

 Simply click the field you wish to fill in and then type away, the boxes will
expand as you type
 Save regularly as you work through the document
 Allow 8-10 hours to complete the PCW
 In preparation we recommend you read the Pre-Process Guide (The Guide)
and Bob Hoffman’s essay about the Hoffman Process (A Path to Personal
Freedom and Love). This provides help with understanding the concepts of
the Process (Hoffman’s Essay), completing this Pre-Course Work and advice
on preparing for the Process week (The Guide).
What reactions may I experience while completing the PCW?

 A variety of feelings ranging from anger to relief
 Negative patterns such as procrastination, perfectionism, self-doubt, cynicism,
blame, competitiveness, people pleasing, fear of hurting people’s feelings, etc.
will come up as you do this work. We invite you to be aware of these patterns
and continue with the work.
 If you need any support while completing the work, phone the Hoffman
office at +61 3 9826 2133 or Singapore +65 6735 3072
©2015 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 1 Rev. 03/17

Hoffman Process Pre-Course Work
What do I do with the completed PCW?

 Email the PCW to admin@hoffmanprocess.com.au
 Please ensure that Hoffman receive your PCW at least two weeks before your
Process start date
 If you have enrolled within this two weeks period to the start of your Process,
please call the Hoffman office to discuss by when you would need to send in
your PCW
 Print a copy of the completed PCW and bring it with you to the Process
About the Hoffman Process

The Hoffman Process is about understanding and freeing yourself from the patterns
you adopted, your compulsive ways of being, your behaviours, beliefs, roles and
compulsive feeling states that were learned in your childhood – so you can become
free to live with authenticity, love, forgiveness, connection and freedom.
We are looking through the lens of the Negative Love Syndrome. As humans, we all
adopt negative patterns from our parents and caregivers in order to secure love and
connection. While it is likely true that your parents loved you and did their best, you
still did what every child does for survival: you adapted and took on patterns, even
moods and believes. We do this to secure love, belong and feel safety and
connection. This creates a compulsive need to continue acting out these moods and
behaviours into adult life unless we understand our conditioning and work through
the underlying emotional issues.
You have now begun the journey from compulsivity to choice – from living out your
childhood roles and patterns, to deep aliveness and authenticity, taking with you all
the gifts of your learned ways of being.
Lastly, we recommend that between now and the start date of your Process, you take
especially good care of yourself by eating and sleeping well, and nurturing yourself
in healthy ways.

Hoffman Process Section 1: My History Pre-Course Work
Name:
Pre-Course Work
(1-1) List your Name, Age and Birthdate
(1-2) City and State or Province
(1-3) Process Date and Location
(1-4) Occupation/Job Title
(1-5) Level of Education
(1-6) How or from whom did you learn about the Hoffman Process?
(1-7)People attend the Hoffman Process when they are serious about changing their
life. What does this mean to you? What do you want to change in your life?
(1-8) What do you envision for your life as a result of the changes you want to make?
(1-9) What are your sources of strength or resilience during times of challenge?

Name:
Your Current Family
(1-10) Current relationship status
If you are in a relationship, First Name, Age and Profession of Spouse or Live-in
(1-11)
Partner
(1-12) Do you live together? List number of years together.
Have you been widowed, separated or divorced? List year of divorce, separation or
(1-13)
death.
(1-14) Do you have any other significant relationship(s)?
If you have children, list their name(s), gender and age in order of birth. If they had
(1-15)
a different parent than your current partner, please note.
(1-16) Have you had a child who died? If yes, what age were they?
(1-17) Have you lost children through miscarriage? How many and when?
(1-18) Have you or your partner ever terminated a pregnancy? How many and when?

Name:
Your Life Today

Describe the challenges and issues you are facing in these areas of your life today.
(1-19) Love life
(1-20) Children / Parenting
(1-21) Friendships
(1-22) Work / Career / Money
(1-23) Health and Body Image
(1-24) Sexuality / Sensuality
(1-25) Spirituality
(1-26) How I feel about myself? How I take care of myself?
(1-27) Connection to full range of emotions (such as anger, joy, sadness, spontaneity, guilt,
fear)
(1-28) Are there any emotions you are afraid to express?
When faced with a challenge or stress, what emotion do you usually feel first
(1-29)
(sad, angry, depressed)?
Please describe any events in your adult life that you consider traumatic or challenging.
(1-30)
Include how old you were.

Name:
Your Life Today (continued)
(1-31) Describe the impact this/these event(s) had on your life
List activities and/or substances you use to ‘distract’ or ‘numb’ yourself (e.g. food,
(1-32)
work, exercise, TV, drugs, alcohol, taking care of others)

Name:
Your Family of Origin
(1-33) Name, Age and Profession of Biological Mother
(1-34) Name, Age and Profession of Biological Father
(1-35) Is your Mother still alive? If not, when and how did she die?
(1-36) Is your Father still alive? If not, when and how did he die?
(1-37) If your parents divorced, what age were you?
(1-38) Were you adopted? If yes, what age were you?
(1-39) If you were adopted, have you met your biological parents? When was that?
(1-40) Name, Age and Profession of Adoptive Mother
(1-41) Name, Age and Profession of Adoptive Father
Surrogates – A surrogate parent is somebody who had a parental role, including

disciplining and raising you, before the age of 13. Type of surrogate could be a Stepparent,
Grandparent, Relative, Nanny, Boarding School, significantly older sibling, full-time Day
Care or live-in Partner of Parent.
(1-42) Name, Age, Profession of Surrogate Mother(s)
(1-43) Your age range when she was your Surrogate Mother
(1-44) Name, Age, Profession of Surrogate Father(s)

Name:
Your Family of Origin (continued)
(1-45) Your age range when he was your Surrogate Father
Did any of your parents (birth, adoptive or surrogate) suffer from an addiction
(1-46)
or a serious or debilitating illness when you were a child, before age 13? If yes, list
name and briefly describe the conditions, and how old you were.
If you have siblings, list their name(s); gender and age in order of birth (include
(1-47)
yourself). If they had a different parent, please note.
Did any of your siblings suffer from an addiction or a serious or debilitating

(1-48)
illness when you were a child, before age 13? If yes, list sibling’s name and briefly
describe the conditions, how old you were.

Name:
Your Childhood
(1-49) Childhood nickname (what you were called by your parents)
How would you describe your childhood? Write a few sentences describing your family,
(1-50)
how you felt, defining characteristics and challenges.
Were there any events or situations that were traumatic for you or your family? When
(1-51)
did this occur?
(1-52) What effect(s) did this trauma have on your life when it happened?
(1-53) What effect(s) does this trauma have on your life now?
(1-54) What were you like as a child?
How would you describe your role growing up in your family (i.e. hero,
(1-55)
scapegoat, lost child, clown, Daddy’s little girl, Mommy’s little boy, the helper)?
Did your family have any religious or spiritual practices or affiliations, and if so what
(1-56)
was this like for you?
Are you aware of any unusual or notable circumstances around your conception
(1-57)
or birth? Please describe.
(1-58) List the places you lived prior to age 13 and the years spent in each location

Name:
Your Birth Mother
Describe what it was like to live in your childhood home with your Birth
(1-59)
Mother. What was she like when you were a child (emotionally, intellectually,
physically; her personality, spirituality, behaviour, etc.)?
(1-60) How did your Mother behave:
 When she was angry
 When she was disciplining you
 When she was comforting you
(1-61) Describe a moment in time when you were angry with your Mother. What happened?
Describe a moment in time when you were hurt due to your Mother. What
(1-62)
happened?
What, if any, additional information about your relationship with your Birth Mother
(1-63)
would you like to communicate with us?
(1-64) If living, how is your relationship with her today?
(1-65) Name your Mother’s five (5) worst patterns:

Name:
Your Birth Father
Describe what it was like to live in your childhood home with your Birth Father.
(1-66)
What was he like when you were a child (emotionally, intellectually, physically; his
personality, spirituality, behaviour, etc.)?
(1-67) How did your Father behave:
 When he was angry
 When he was disciplining you
 When he was comforting you
(1-68) Describe a moment in time when you were angry with your Father. What happened?
Describe a moment in time when you were hurt due to your Father. What
(1-69)
happened?
What, if any, additional information about your relationship with your Birth Father
(1-70)
would you like to communicate with us?
(1-71) If living, how is your relationship with him today?
(1-72) Name your Father’s five (5) worst patterns:

Name:
Adoptive or Surrogate Parent

(Birth to Puberty)
Describe what it was like to live in your childhood home with your Adoptive or
(1-73)
Surrogate Parent. What was he/she like when you were a child (emotionally,
intellectually, physically; his/her personality, spirituality, behaviour, etc.)?
(1-74) How did your Adoptive or Surrogate Parent behave:
 When she/he was angry
 When she/he was disciplining you
 When she/he was comforting you
Describe a moment in time when you were angry at your Adoptive or Surrogate Parent.
(1-75)
What happened?
Describe a moment in time when you were hurt due to your Adoptive or Surrogate
(1-76)
Parent. What happened?
What, if any, additional information about your relationship with this Adoptive
(1-77)
Parent or Surrogate would you like to communicate to us?
(1-78) If living, how is your relationship with him/her today?
(1-79) Name your Surrogate’s five (5) worst patterns:

Name:
Adoptive or Surrogate Parent

(Birth to Puberty)
Describe what it was like to live in your childhood home with your Adoptive or
(1-80)
Surrogate Parent. What was he/she like when you were a child (emotionally,
intellectually, physically; his/her personality, spirituality, behaviour, etc.)?
(1-81) How did your Adoptive or Surrogate Parent behave:
 When she/he was angry
 When she/he was disciplining you
 When she/he was comforting you
Describe a moment in time when you were angry at your Adoptive or Surrogate
(1-82)
Describe a moment in time when you were hurt due to your Adoptive or Surrogate
(1-83)
What, if any, additional information about your relationship with this Adoptive Parent
(1-84)
or Surrogate would you like to communicate to us?
(1-85) If living, how is your relationship with him/her today?
(1-86) Name your Surrogate’s five (5) worst patterns:

Name:
Your Childhood Family
(1-87) How did your Mother and Father interact with one another?
(1-88) How did your Mother and Father deal with conflict?
(1-89) How did your Mother and Father feel about one another?
(1-90) What was the atmosphere like in your childhood home?
(1-91) If you had siblings, how did you interact with each other?
(1-92) What would you have changed if you could?

Name:
How Was Love Expressed in Your Family?
As children we need support, encouragement, warmth, affection, tenderness, as well

as boundaries, guidance, clarity around rules and structure. A child needs to hear,
“You are lovable just as you are. I love you.” A child also needs to hear the word
“no,” and to learn what the rules of behaviour are, communicated in ways that are
clear and loving. We need to hear and experience that we are loved as children, to
develop a healthy and positive self-love and self-regard.
In most families, parents have good intentions. They want to be loving. But all
parents were children once, too, and they are dealing with their history and
unresolved/unmet needs for love. As much as parents try to be kind and loving (or
don’t try, in some families), what most children get is a combination of real love and
‘pseudo-love’. How love was expressed in our childhoods is imprinted upon us as
‘what love is like’. We then often repeat these ways of being or attract these ways of
being later in life.
Take some time to consider, what was ‘love’ like in your family? Take a look at the
following types of ‘pseudo-love’, and mark any of the ones you experienced in your
family.
Conditional Love – ‘I’ll love you if you… (are pretty, smart, quiet, loving,
happy, get good grades, do what I tell you to do, etc)’.
Smothering Love – Child is smothered with attention and/or affection,
and often feels suffocated. The parent is sometimes meeting his or her
own need for love and affection through the child – ‘I need you to fill my
empty life’. This can also be triggered by a parent feeling guilty for not
bonding with the child authentically and overcompensating.
Chaotic Love – The love and attention comes and goes, and is
unpredictable, often based on the parent’s mood. Could also be related to
addiction, physical or mental illness, stress, parents’ intense self-focus,
parents inability to regulate their own emotional stress levels or a variety
of other issues.
Permissive Love – In this type of love, there are few or no boundaries.
The parent(s) has difficulties being present to the child’s frustration. Some
people who grow up with this type of love describe ultimately feeling
neglected and not being able to develop frustration tolerance.

For your own good Love – ‘I’m hurting you for your own good’ (either
physical or verbal). This is experienced by the child as a double message
and thus creates confusion and inner conflict. It sets up love being
associated with hurt and pain.
Rose-Coloured-Glasses Love – Parent lives in his/her own fantasy about
the world. They often are not taking care of the basic needs, or
comprehending when things are falling apart, which leads the child to feel
under resourced to deal with difficulties in the world.
Gifts or Food are Love – Rather than time, attention, listening and care, a
child receives food or gifts.
Vicarious Love – The parent consciously or unconsciously feels the child
is a reflection of themselves. Rather than seeing who the child is or
hearing what they want, the adult gives the child what they themselves
would have wanted or what they never had, meeting their own needs
through the child. Then the child’s successes and achievements can never
be owned by the child.
If you are a high achiever and have difficulties to celebrate your own
achievements, maybe even feel depressed, you may find that your parents
may have lived vicariously through you.
Martyr Love – ‘After all I’ve done for you, how could you…feel that
way/act that way/do that/treat me that way…’ The child often comes
away feeling guilty and/or indebted to the parent. It’s challenging to then
go live your own life freely, constantly feeling responsible for other
people’s happiness.
Surrogate Spouse Love (The Oedipus Winner) – With this type of love,
the child is elevated to a role of equality with one parent and feels more
important to that parent than the spouses are to each other. The child feels
‘special’ to the parent, often has special privileges, and sometimes feels
like a ‘little adult’, and in some cases becomes a replacement for the other
parent. (This can happen through death, divorce or unresolved marital
conflict.) It sets the child up to feel disloyal to the replaced parent and
furthermore to constantly compare and be competitive with others in
order to stay in the role of being ‘special’. However, the child and later the
adult person will always feel alone in their ‘specialness’.
Enmeshment Love – If a parent has high levels of ‘distress’ or ‘fragility’
then the child will try to take responsibility to sooth the parent’s stress
levels. The child however will feel overwhelmed by that task and is
doomed to feel inadequate. It also creates an inner conflict between the
need for love and the need for independence/freedom.

‘You Are Lovable, But I’m Not’ Love – The parent might shower the child
with love, but they don’t love themselves. What is being modelled is an
adult who does not love himself or herself or feel worthy. The child often
grows into an adult who feels unlovable modelling the parent’s
behaviour, but has to pretend that they are ok.
Dutiful Love – The parent meets the needs of the child through obligation
and duty, but there is a lack of connection, affection and warmth. The
child will often feel that they have been loved, but are disconnected from
experiencing the ‘flow of love’ (giving and receiving).
Trying to Love – ‘I’m trying to love you, but you make it so hard’. ‘Trying
to love’ is not loving. The child will feel disconnected from the ‘flow of
love’. Love withheld is love not given.
Good Guy / Bad Guy Love – One parent is so ‘bad’ (neglectful, addicted,
abusive, etc.) that the other parent looks ‘good’ in comparison. When
examined on their own, they may in fact be neglectful and/or not present
or protecting the child or overcompensating For the child it is confusing
and can evoke doubt and fear in regards to forming secure attachments to
others.
Ghost Love – A parent is not present or available, but you are ‘told’ how
much they love you. You don’t ever experience it directly. The child will
feel disconnected from the ‘flow of love’. Love withheld is love not given.
There-But-Not-There Love – The parent is checked out, numb, doesn’t
connect. You may or may not be told you are loved, but the experience is
of being alone.
Seesaw Love – Often experienced by children who had an alcoholic or
drug-using parent. The parent expresses their love when they are
intoxicated. When drinking they become expressive, affectionate and
effusive, and may or may not remember it the next day. The child can
experience this as ‘chaotic’ and is not able to trust the love connection
setting them up to mistrust other people’s expression of love.
(1-93) How are these forms of ‘pseudo love’ in your life today? Which of them do
you do? Which of them have you attracted? What connections can you make,
between what you experienced as a child and what you do or have now?

Hoffman Process Section 2: Pattern Checklist Pre-Course Work
Name:
Negative Love Syndrome and Patterns
The Hoffman Process is based on the concepts of the Negative Love Syndrome and
Patterns. In order to get our needs met for love, connection and belonging, we take
on patterns that become automatic and compulsive.
In this Pre-Process Work, the intention is for you to begin to identify your own
compulsive patterns. To do this, we look at ways of behaving, ways of believing,
roles, personality traits and compulsive feeling states. The following categories may
help to get you thinking about and understanding what is a pattern. Some patterns
might fit into more than one category.
Behaviours Beliefs
 Criticising  ‘Other people will let me down’.
 Being late  ‘I can’t have what I want’.
 Busyness  ‘I’m a fraud’.
Roles, Personality Traits Compulsive Moods / Feeling States
 Joker  Resentful
 Caretaker  Anxious
 Rebel  Cheerful / Grump
When exploring patterns, consider some of the ways patterns show up. For instance,
your mom may be critical of herself, but how it shows up for you is criticising others
or attracting others who are critical. Sometimes it’s not obvious, but once you get the
basic idea, it becomes pretty simple.
As you go through the Pre-Process Work, be mindful that what makes it a pattern is
that it was ‘learned’, not whether it looks ‘negative’. Patterns often have a payoff, but
they also have consequences. For example, the pattern of being ‘nice’ might have the
payoff of being liked by others, but it might also hold the consequence of not being able
to fully be yourself and be honest. This would impact many areas of your life –
relationships, sexuality, work life, etc.
The goal of the Process is to connect deeply to whom you really are, who and what is
your authentic self and to develop CHOICE about your behaviours – to no longer be
run by the compulsive need to be these ways. You get to keep the skills your
patterns may have taught you – but you also get to have choice over when and how
to use them.

Name:
Checklist Instructions
In the next section you will identify specific negative patterns that have limited your
life, and how you learned them.
Step 1: Go through the lists and check off under ME any pattern you have ever
experienced, currently or in the past. Check them off even if you think you
have already dealt with them, if you think they are relatively unimportant or
if you’ve only experienced them once or a few times. The more thorough you
are, the more you will benefit.
Step 2: Go through the lists for your Mother and Father (and surrogates, if you had
them), from the perspective of when you were a child. Check off any patterns
you ever experienced in them, even if only once.
Note: We are not saying that these patterns ‘define’ your parents or that they were bad
people. As human beings we all have patterns, taken on to survive and get love, which was
explained as the Negative Love Syndrome in the ‘Path to Personal Freedom and Love’ booklet
you read in preparation for doing this assignment.
Step 3: Now for each of your own check marks, make sure there is a check mark for
at least one of your parents, based on the 3 ways that we all learn our
patterns.
Consider that you may have:

1) ADOPTED the pattern from them, i.e. they did it
2) Learned it in REBELLION to them, i.e. made a decision that you were not
going to be like them
3) Learned it in REACTION to how they were
Step 4: After you complete the checklists, enter your totals on the page provided.
PLEASE CHECK AT LEAST 50 PATTERNS FOR YOURSELF, YOUR MOTHER

AND YOUR FATHER (and 20 for each SURROGATE)
Example of How Patterns Live in Us – Using the example of ‘being critical’

Adoption
 Do it to myself – I criticise myself
 Do it to others – I criticise others
 Attract others who do this – I seem to bring significant people into my life who are
critical
 Set up others to do it to me – I behave in ways that sets up others to criticise me

Reaction – Using the example of ‘being critical’

 I compensate or protect myself and create a reactive pattern – In order to
protect myself, I withdraw, become invisible, and don’t share my thoughts or feelings
Rebellion – Using the example of ‘being critical’

 I rebel to be different from parent – I become a pleaser, proud of always being nice
and never criticising others or hold back my voice
Checklist Key for Identifying Your Own Patterns

 For each pattern you check off for yourself (‘Me’) select one of the following
options:
o Adoption = √
o Rebellion = R
o Reaction = X (under the ‘Notes’ section, please list the reactive
behaviour, see example above)
o Both of the above = B

Name:
Abandoning
Pattern Me M F MS FS Notes
Abandoning, physically or
emotionally
 Through divorce
 Due to death
 Due to taking care

of other siblings or
spouse
 Due to mental
Illness
 Due to war
 Due to physical
Illness
 Due to addictions
 Due to prison
 Due to work
 Due to
stress/hardship
 Due to being
checked out
Given up for adoption
Neglect
Total: Abandoning Patterns
Addictions
Alcohol
Sex/pornography
Romance
Drug
Reading
TV/Internet/Video Game
Exercise

Gambling
Cigarette
Food
Workaholic
Shopping/Spending
Total: Addictions
Boundary Crossing – Body & Space

Hitting
Hair pulling
Pinching
Slapping
Pushing
Shaking
Spanking / Belting
Not allowing privacy
Not protecting child from hurt
Putting a child in unsafe

situations
Tickling to the point of trauma
Scratching
Total: Body & Space
Boundary Crossing – Emotional & Mental

Invasive
Reading journals, emails, texts
Invalidating others’ feelings
Telling people what they feel
Criticising/Putting others down
Disrespectful
Controlling others with yelling

Controlling others with fear
Nitpicking
Public shaming
Raging
Name calling
Eye rolling
Hiding information
Spreading rumours/Gossiping
Telling secrets
Airing dirty laundry
Airing grievances
inappropriately
Total: Emotional & Mental
Boundary Crossing – Sexual

Incest
Sexual touch from adult to

child
Not protecting a child from

inappropriate touch
Teasing about
puberty/sexuality
Leering
Rape
Lack sexuality boundaries
Denial of abuse
Leaving pornography around
Sexual jokes
Forcing any sexual activity
Sexual violence
Ignoring when someone says

no
Total: Sexual

Boundary Crossing – Spiritual

Using religious fear to control
Threatening with God’s

punishment
Using images of the ‘devil’ to

scare or intimidate
Forcing religious beliefs
Laughing at others’ spiritual

connection
Demonising / Scapegoating
Total: Spiritual
Caretaker / Martyr
Put others’ needs ahead of own
Attract needy or helpless

people
Crossing other people’s

boundaries
Ignore / Deny my own needs
Guilt tripping
Look at everything I’m doing

for you
Resentful others don’t take my

advice
Need to be needed by others
Martyr
Neglects self
Superior
‘I know what’s best for you’
Doing for others = I am lovable
False humility
Take on other people’s feelings
Pushy / Taking over

Rescue others from natural

consequences
Strings attached to what I do

for you
Caretaker
Denial
Closet addict
Addicted to an addict
Victim
Controlling
Resentful
Lie to cover up
Live in the delusion of person’s

potential
Self-righteous
Saviour/rescuer
Blame others for my pain
Co-dependent
Enabling
Total: Caretaker/Martyr
Domination / Aggressive
Aggressive
Controlling
Need to be right
Stubborn
Insensitive to others
Confrontational / Combative
Demanding
Bossy
Sore loser
Arrogant
Competitive

Have to be the authority
Vindictive
Lash out verbally or physically
Bullying
Righteousness
Acting out my anger on others
Mock, humiliate others
Boastful
Need to get the last word
Argumentative
Can’t back down
Overbearing
Pushy / Taking over
Lecture others
Defiant
Use anger to control or

dominate
Interrupt or cut people off
Harsh, mean
Minimise others’ success or

input
Intimidating / Threatening /
Bullying
Temper tantrums
Destructive
Total: Domination/Aggressive
Fear and Anxiety-Based

Align with others to stay safe
Feel unsafe in the world
The world / people are

dangerous
Paranoid / Feel persecuted

Worry / Anxious
Afraid to upset others
Connection = safety
Cautious
Indecisive
Panic attacks
Fear of conflict
Fear of death
Fear of life
Fear of expressing myself
Fear of the unknown
Fear of loss
Fear of abandonment
Focus on and talk about fears
Afraid to commit
Appease / Flatter authority
Catastrophise / ‘The sky is

falling’
Attach to others to feel safe
‘What-ifs’
First response to stress is fear
Hyper-vigilant
Dread
Phobias
Generalised fear or anxiety
Fear of…
Total: Fear & Anxiety-based
Keep the Peace

Avoid conflict
Take on others’ points of view
Self-forgetting / Self-neglecting

Wishy-washy
Don’t make waves
Oblivious to problems
Rose-coloured glasses
Complacent
Disconnected from own

desires
Deny anger
Need everything to be ‘nice’
Merge with others
Minimise problems
Say ‘no’ by avoiding or

forgetting
Go along with others’ opinions
Total: Keep the Peace
Manipulative
Indirect with my needs
Manipulate with emotions
Manipulate through illness
Lying
Game playing
Manipulate with flattery
Seductive to get what I want
Manipulate through money
Chameleon
Total: Manipulative
‘Nice’
Hold back what I really feel
Superficial
People-pleasing

Inauthentic
Smile when angry or hurting
Uncomfortable with honesty
Have to always look ‘good’
‘Good girl’ / ‘Good boy’
Apologetic
Don’t set or keep boundaries
Overwork to please others
Need to be liked
Don’t express anger
Compulsive smiling
Fear of hurting people’s

feelings
Lacking emotional depth
Total: ‘Nice’
Numb / Shut Down

Lifeless
There but not there
Don’t feel anything
Numb
Can’t connect
Joyless
Nothing gets to me
Total: Numb/Shut Down
Perfectionism
Judgmental
Black and white thinking
Need for order
Critical of self or others

Perfectionistic
Fear of making mistakes
Obsessive
Inflexible
Keep raising the bar
Overly rational
Unemotional
Dogmatic
Uncompromising
Lack of joy or spontaneity
Impatient
Can’t look foolish
Never good enough
Total: Perfectionism
Self-Centred
Oblivious to other people’s

needs
Only focused on what I need
I’m the most important
Don’t notice others’ needs
Self-centred
Narcissistic
Out for myself/Get what I can
My feelings matter the most
Total: Self-Centred
Status Seeking
Need to feel important
Externally focused
Need to be admired

Competitive
Extravagant
Keeping up with the Joneses
Lie or conceal to protect image
Exaggerate
Manufacture or build my own

image
Need status symbols
Vain
Desperate for approval
Opportunistic
Jealous of others’ success
Social climber
Performer
Achievement driven
Total: Status Seeking
Unreliable / Escapist
Ungrounded
Unreliable
Impulsive
Immature
Disconnected from
consequences
Uncommitted
Late
Don’t keep commitments
Compulsive lying
Forgetful
Don’t take things seriously
Run away
Low tolerance for frustration

All or nothing thinking
Living on the edge
Denial
Can’t deal with pain
Create chaos
Numb out / Escape
Risk taking
Kid in adult body
Total: Unreliable/Escapist
Unworthy / Not Good Enough / Shame-Based

Negative self-talk
Self-critical
Self-hatred
Beat myself up
Unworthy
Idealise others
Follower
Fear of being found out
Not good enough
Low self-esteem
Seek outside validation
Compare self negatively to

others
Nothing I do is ever enough
Reject those attracted to me
Self-doubt
Expect rejection
Incapacitated by shame or
embarrassment
I am flawed
Total: Unworthy, etc.

Victim
Nothing is ever enough
Needy / Clingy
Lost in my own world
Manipulate through neediness
Need to be fixed / rescued
Melodramatic
Oblivious to other people’s

needs
‘It’s your fault’
‘I am different’
Take everything personally
Hypersensitive
Fatigued
Complicated
Self-hatred
‘You hurt me’
Dominate through being

helpless
Jealous of others
‘I am the one with the worst

problems’
Total: Victim
Withdrawn / Withholding
Avoid or don’t deal with

conflict
Dodge connection / contact
Reclusive
Stay in my head
Happiest / safest when I’m

alone
Uncommunicative

Lost in books and ideas
Isolate from others
Overly intellectual
Cold
Go away, then I’ll be fine
Detached
Preoccupied
Disconnected from body
Observer
Withholding love /
appreciation
Evasive
Uncomfortable with emotions
Make others guilty for having

needs
Overwhelmed by others’
feelings
Total: Withdrawn/Withholding

Relationships and Work

All of our patterns have the potential to show up in the areas of work and relationships. In
addition to those patterns, you may find it useful to consider the following area-specific
patterns.
Relationship and Sexuality
Give sex to get love
Give affection to get sex
Addicted to romance
Addicted to sex
Create drama / Manipulate with

feelings
Can’t commit
Looking for ideal partner to make

me whole
Emotional closeness is too

complicated
Fear of being trapped
Fear of being alone / Can’t be alone
Reject before being rejected
Blame partner for my feelings
Value partner’s needs over my own
Self-esteem rides on how my partner

sees me
Affairs
Secrets
Can’t be myself with my partner
Sabotage relationships
Push partner away if they get too

close
Come here / Go away
Sexually passive
Sex is bad
Sex is only for procreation
Girls should not enjoy sex

Unappreciative of partner /
withholding
Masturbation is wrong
Addicted to fantasy
Hold on to past / Unforgiving with

my partner
Withhold sex or love for punishment
My partner should know what I

need / feel / think / like
Embarrassed about my partner
Sniping / pot shots
Pretend everything is ok but angry /

seething / disappointed inside
One foot out the door
Threaten to leave
Overly focus on my partner’s needs /

feelings
Use sex / seduction to get what I

want
Unrequited love
Non-orgasmic
Fear of sex or sexual performance
The grass is greener somewhere else
Cold shoulder / Stonewalling
Nag my partner
Shut down to my partner’s needs /

feelings
Dishonest / lying / not telling whole

truth
If I get away with it, it didn’t happen
Invasive – secretly checking partner’s

email, phone, texts
Prudish
Affairs / promiscuity
Domineering
Submissive

Keep the peace at any cost
Don’t use my voice
Total: Relationship &

Sexuality
Being married / partnered / single means…

Being married / partnered =

trapped / loss of freedom
Being married / partnered = no sex
Being married / partnered = I’ll be

happy
Being married / partnered = I’m safe
Being married / partnered = (fill in

your own)
Being single = I’m not good

enough/defective/failure/unattractive
Being single = I don’t fit in
Being single = I’ll be happy
Being single / alone = I’m safe
Being single = (fill in your own)
Total: Being Married…
Attract partners who…

Attract needy / wounded partners
Attract partners who can’t commit
Attract partners who criticise me
Attract remote / shut down partners
Attract partners who need too much

from me
Attract partners who reject me
Attract unavailable partners
Attract partners with addictions

Attract partners who… (fill in your

own)
Total: Attract partners who…
Work / Career / Money

Having enough money / the

right job = I’ll be happy

right job = I’ll be safe

right job = I’m valuable
Chronic unemployment
Perpetual student, don’t put

degrees to use
Underemployed
Money is everything
Money is bad/dirty/beneath me
Money = Security
Workaholic
Chronic debt
Cheap
Overspend/Live beyond my means
Magical thinking (all I have to

do is make a vision board)
Chronically unsatisfied with

my work
Staying in unhealthy/
destructive work situations
Unconscious/Unaware of
where my money goes
Different person at work than

in the rest of my life
Can’t be myself/show my
feelings/be authentic at work
Can’t speak up/use my voice at

work
Feel undervalued at work

Used money to manipulate/control
Driven – at the expense of

relationships/family/health
I don’t deserve to be financially

secure
No matter how much money I

have, it never feels like enough
Using money as power/a weapon
Fear of poverty
Fear of wealth
Don’t value my own

contribution at work
Work is drudgery/suffering
Lying/concealing/deception
with money
Total:
Work/Career/Money
Grand Totals
Me Mother Father Mother Father
Surrogate Surrogate

Hoffman Process Section 3: Pattern Exploration & Summary Pre-Course Work
Name:
Pattern Exploration
In these next pages, you will choose a few patterns to explore in greater depth.
Present-to-Past Worksheet (choose one)

Choose one of your own patterns that is causing damage in your life, and explore the
connection to your childhood using the ‘Present-to-Past Exploration’ worksheet.
Past-to-Present Worksheets (do two of these)

Choose one of your mother’s patterns and one of your father’s patterns; use the
‘Past-to-Present Exploration’ worksheet to explore what your parent did, and how it
is alive in your life today.
See examples on the following pages.

Name:
Present-to-Past Pattern Exploration – Example

As you reflect on the current challenges and issues you are facing in all areas of your life,
identify a present way of being that is a problem for you:
I procrastinate at work and with projects at home.
Name it as a pattern:
Procrastination
To whom do you do this? (Yourself, partner, colleagues, siblings, friends, others)

I do it to myself and with others in my life.
Where did you witness this way of being or behaviour in your childhood? Did a
parent do it? Did a parent allow it in a sibling? Did a parent do it to themselves,
you or someone else?
My parents didn’t really do this.
Or, did you learn this in REACTION / REBELLION to a parent? If so, what did
they do that created this behaviour in you?
Yes! My dad was always pushing me. What I did was never good enough.
What was it like for you, as a child, for your parent to be that way? What did you feel?
I felt scared of making a mistake. I never wanted to try something new
because I was afraid I would fail. I froze whenever there was pressure.
Name the ways you are acting out this in your life today. Do you do this to yourself? To
others? Do you set it up for others to do it to you?
I never get anything done. I’m scared when asked to take on new projects at
work and I beat myself up. I focus on all the little things and never get to the
important things. My partner is just like my dad and always pushing me,
and I feel the same way.
What are the consequences? What damage is it causing in you and in your life?
1. I never feel good enough.
2. I feel scared all the time.
3. I want to give up before even beginning anything new.
4. I never get anything done.
Name all the patterns you see as a result of this:

Procrastination, Beat myself up, Fear of failure, I’m not good enough, Freeze
under pressure

Name:
Present-to-Past Pattern Exploration

As you reflect on the current challenges and issues you are facing in all areas of your life,
(3-1)
identify a present way of being that is a problem for you:
(3-2) Name it as a pattern:
(3-3) To whom do you do this? (Yourself, partner, colleagues, siblings, friends, others)
Where did you witness this way of being or behaviour in your childhood? Did a
(3-4)
parent do it? Did a parent allow it in a sibling? Did a parent do it to themselves, you or
someone else?
Or, did you learn this in REACTION / REBELLION to a parent? If so, what did
(3-5)
they do that created this behaviour in you?
(3-6) What was it like for you, as a child, for your parent to be that way? What did you feel?
Name the ways you are acting out this in your life today. Do you do this to yourself? To
(3-7)
others? Do you set it up for others to do it to you?
(3-8) What are the consequences? What damage is it causing in you and in your life?
1.
2.
3.
4.
(3-9) Name all the patterns you see as a result of this:

Name:
Past-to-Present Pattern Exploration – Example

Mother or Father’s problem behaviour or way of being:
My mom didn’t show her emotions. She wouldn’t tell anyone what she was
feeling.
Name it as a pattern:
Shut down, isolated
To whom did they do this? (Themselves, other parent, you, one of your siblings,
others)
She did it to herself and she expected me to do it as well.
What was this like for you, as a child, for your parent to be this way? What did you feel?
I could tell she was angry, but she wouldn’t say it! It felt tense and like I had
to walk on eggshells.
How does this show up for you now? (How do you act it out? Who have you set up or
attracted to do this to you? What are you doing now in rebellion?)
I married someone who invalidates my feelings. I don’t share my feelings
with people I care about. I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells around
my husband. I don’t know how to handle it when others are expressing their
feelings.
To whom do you do this? (Yourself, partner, colleagues, siblings, friends, others)

I do it to myself, and now I do it to my kids.
What are the consequences? What damage is it causing in you and in your life?
1. My body hurts.
2. I’m nice but feel angry, so nobody really knows me and I feel totally
isolated.
3. I never feel good enough.
4. I feel scared all the time.
Name all the patterns you see as a result of this:

Shutdown, Invalidate other people’s feelings, Walk on eggshells, Isolation,
My feelings don’t matter

Name:
Past-to-Present Pattern Exploration

(3-10) Mother’s problem behaviour or way of being:
(3-12) To whom did she do this? (Herself, other parent, you, one of your siblings, others)
(3-13) What was this like for you, as a child, for your parent to be this way? What did you feel?
(3-14)
(3-16)What are the consequences? What damage is it causing in you and in your life?
1.
2.
3.
4.

Name:
Past-to-Present Pattern Exploration

(3-18) Father’s problem behaviour or way of being:
(3-20) To whom did he do this? (Himself, other parent, you, one of your siblings, others)
(3-21) What was this like for you, as a child, for your parent to be this way? What did you feel?
(3-22)
(3-24)What are the consequences? What damage is it causing in you and in your life?
1.
2.
3.
4.

Name:
Summary
As a result of these explorations, what have you seen about the impact of your childhood
(3-26)
on your adult life?
(3-27) Please describe an insight you learned about your childhood/family.
Is there anything more you can tell us about you, your current life or childhood
(3-28)
that we should know? If yes, please describe.
(3-29) Do you have any questions/concerns about participating in the Hoffman Process?
Your Goals & Vision

Write how you would like your life to be if you could have it just the way you wanted.
(3-30)
Be specific about the changes you want for yourself.
Answer the following questions, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the most

(3-31)
willing:
 How willing am I to listen to my Spiritual Self in order to find resolution to
my problems and guidance in achieving my vision?
 As long as it makes sense, how willing am I to do everything required of me
by the Process facilitators?

Step 4 Pre Course Work

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Hoffman Process

Name: Process Date:

Please carefully read the following information

Why do I need to do the Pre-Course Work (PCW)?

How do I complete the PCW?

What reactions may I experience while completing the PCW?

©2015 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 1 Rev. 03/17

What do I do with the completed PCW?

About the Hoffman Process

©2014 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 2 Rev. 01/17

(1-1) List your Name, Age and Birthdate

(1-2) City and State or Province

(1-3) Process Date and Location

(1-4) Occupation/Job Title

(1-5) Level of Education

©2015 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 3 Rev. 03/17

Your Current Family

(1-10) Current relationship status

(1-12) Do you live together? List number of years together.

(1-14) Do you have any other significant relationship(s)?

©2015 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 4 Rev. 03/17

Your Life Today

(1-19) Love life

(1-20) Children / Parenting

(1-22) Work / Career / Money

(1-23) Health and Body Image

(1-24) Sexuality / Sensuality

(1-26) How I feel about myself? How I take care of myself?

(1-28) Are there any emotions you are afraid to express?

(sad, angry, depressed)?

©2015 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 5 Rev. 03/17

Your Life Today (continued)

(1-31) Describe the impact this/these event(s) had on your life

work, exercise, TV, drugs, alcohol, taking care of others)

©2015 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 6 Rev. 03/17

Your Family of Origin

(1-33) Name, Age and Profession of Biological Mother

(1-34) Name, Age and Profession of Biological Father

(1-37) If your parents divorced, what age were you?

(1-38) Were you adopted? If yes, what age were you?

(1-40) Name, Age and Profession of Adoptive Mother

(1-41) Name, Age and Profession of Adoptive Father

Surrogates – A surrogate parent is somebody who had a parental role, including

(1-42) Name, Age, Profession of Surrogate Mother(s)

(1-44) Name, Age, Profession of Surrogate Father(s)

©2015 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 7 Rev. 03/17

Your Family of Origin (continued)

(1-45) Your age range when he was your Surrogate Father

Did any of your siblings suffer from an addiction or a serious or debilitating

©2015 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 8 Rev. 03/17

(1-49) Childhood nickname (what you were called by your parents)

(1-54) What were you like as a child?

or birth? Please describe.

©2015 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 9 Rev. 03/17

Your Birth Mother

(1-60) How did your Mother behave:

 When she was angry

 When she was disciplining you

 When she was comforting you

(1-64) If living, how is your relationship with her today?

(1-65) Name your Mother’s five (5) worst patterns:

©2015 Hoffman Centre Australia/Singapore 10 Rev. 03/17