I want to be alive

One tear on the right cheek, another tear on the left, despair in the dark brown eyes, and still a smile on
my face. All this time I could only see this in the mirror. A girl with curly hair who was looking for
something... Looking for someone... in her. I have traveled through madness just to find me. I searched,
constantly, until I realized that life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.

I have already faced a choice, but don't we all face this choice all the time? Who am I and what do I want
to do in life... Someday we will all choose one main path and dare not go any other way. Fear will not
allow us to do this. Fear of security, stability. The fear that has been killing ideas since the foundation of
the world, killing people and burying their dreams forever in the deepest parts of the heart. Life is like
an insatiable struggle to survive, you wake up, you survive, and you go to sleep, and so on and on. When
I look at the tired faces of people and imagine my soul in their bodies, I get tired too. Their gaze seems
to absorb my mind and scatter it into millions of tiny particles in the universe. Why can't I just live and
not fight to survive?

And I made a choice. I choose to be free. Today, I choose to stay away from the closed doors. I choose to
forgive myself. To embrace my Flaws. To accept my mistakes. I choose to move forward. I choose to
guard my soul. To be brave. I choose to be different because we all are. Different is unique and it’s
beautiful. So, I choose to be beautiful. Now I know that if I refuse this boring lifestyle that everyone
thinks is the only one and I will go on a different path, I won’t be lost, I just will be myself. Someone told
me to always live for the little things in life. Live for dancing in the rain, watching sunrises at 6 am, and
enjoying sunset on the rooftops. Live for running in the fields, hugging your mom, and saying, “I love
you”. Live for little things, because they will make you realize that this is what life is about, that is what it
means to be alive.

When I was a child, they asked me this question: who do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sometimes I wanted to be a singer, an actor, a doctor, and even a journalist. But most of the time, I
probably didn't know what I wanted. And then I felt useless, I realized that I never have the answer to
that question and never will. Society wants us to look for happiness in what we will never find. I was
probably born as a dreamer. Who do I want to be when I grow up? Maybe I don't want to grow up at
all...

By Kato tsuladze