Building good relationships

Good friendships and relationships require the investment of both energy and trust.
The depression habit spiral and depressed thinking can deplete the supply of both
of these.

Simple relationship skills

People who care about you may also find it very difficult to understand what you
are feeling and why – especially when it is difficult for you to understand it yourself!
A few simple, yet very effective, relationship skills can make all the difference in
protecting your friendships and relationships from some of the damage caused by
depression.

Listening
It can be difficult to listen properly to what is going on for others when you are
feeling low yourself. However, making the effort to hear the other person’s point of
view is vital to maintaining good relationships.

 Truly listening to what someone else has to say means suspending your own
views and opinions temporarily.

 Check out whether you have properly understood by paraphrasing: “So what
you’re saying is you’re worried about me and you want me to go and see
someone about it?”

 This also shows the person that you are really listening.

 Don’t copy word for word, but stick as closely as you can to their meaning as
you have understood it. This seems strange at first, but is a surprisingly
effective communication tool.
 Be aware of what is unspoken as well as what is spoken: “You’re saying that
you’re all right with supporting me, but you’re also looking quite tired and
stressed.”

 Ask open rather than closed (ie. yes/no or factual) questions: “What’s going on
for you?” rather than “Are you fed up with me?”

 Summarise what the other person has said before you respond. If the other
person feels like you have been open to hearing their point of view, they are
more likely to be open to hearing yours too.

Honest communication
Honest communication in relationships is an extension of assertive communication.
You need to be practised at knowing what you are feeling and what you need, in
order to communicate it clearly and effectively.

 Communicate using “I…” statements: “I feel worried that you”re getting fed up
with me being so miserable all the time.” rather than “You must be so fed up
with me!”

 I-statements are especially useful in tense situations, because they can’t be

disputed or debated, whereas you-statements often feel like accusations.

 State clearly what you would like from the other person: “I want you to tell me
when you are too busy, or are feeling overwhelmed with listening to me. I will
feel more able to call on you when I need to if I know you will set clear limits.”

 Be ready both to hear and to use the word “No”, and to negotiate and
compromise. Challenge any all-or-nothing thinking!

http://studentsagainstdepression.org