How start difficult conversations

Difficult conversations are those that involve sensitive topics, conflicting opinions, strong
emotions, or potential consequences. They can be challenging to initiate and navigate, especially
for people who do not like conflict or confrontation. However, avoiding or delaying difficult
conversations can lead to more problems, such as misunderstandings, resentment, or missed
opportunities. Therefore, it is important to learn how to start difficult conversations in a
constructive and respectful way.

One of the first steps to start a difficult conversation is to prepare yourself mentally and
emotionally. You need to clarify your purpose, goal, and expectations for the conversation. What
do you want to achieve? What do you want to communicate? What do you want to learn? You
also need to examine your own assumptions, biases, and emotions. How might they affect your
perspective and behavior? How can you manage them effectively?

Another step is to choose an appropriate time and place for the conversation. You want to avoid
interruptions, distractions, and external pressures. You also want to consider the other person’s
availability, readiness, and mood. You can ask for their permission and cooperation by saying
something like “I would like to talk to you about something that is important to me. Is this a
good time for you?” or “I have some feedback for you that I think will help us work better
together. Can we schedule a meeting to discuss it?”

A third step is to open the conversation with a positive and respectful tone. You want to establish
rapport, trust, and goodwill with the other person. You can do this by expressing appreciation,
empathy, or curiosity. For example, you can say “Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I
appreciate your willingness to listen and share your thoughts.” or “I can see that you are
passionate about this topic. I would like to understand your point of view better.” or “I have
noticed that you have been doing a great job on this project. I have some suggestions that I think
will make it even better.”

A fourth step is to state the main issue or concern clearly and concisely. You want to avoid vague,
ambiguous, or accusatory language. You also want to avoid blaming, judging, or criticizing the
other person. Instead, you want to use “I” statements that focus on your own observations,
feelings, needs, and requests. For example, you can say “I have noticed that you have been late
for our meetings several times. I feel frustrated and disrespected when that happens. I need you
to be on time and prepared for our meetings. Can you please do that from now on?” or “I have
received some complaints from our customers about your service. I feel concerned and
disappointed about this. I need you to improve your communication and problem-solving skills.
Can you please tell me how you plan to do that?”

A fifth step is to listen actively and empathically to the other person’s response. You want to
show that you are interested, attentive, and respectful. You can do this by using verbal and
nonverbal cues, such as nodding, smiling, or saying “Uh-huh” or “I see”. You also want to ask
open-ended questions, paraphrase, summarize, and reflect back what you hear. For example, you
can say “What do you think about what I just said?” or “So, what I hear you saying is that you
have been having some personal issues that have affected your performance. Is that correct?” or
“It sounds like you are feeling angry and hurt by my feedback. Is that how you feel?”

A sixth step is to explore the issue or concern further and seek a mutual understanding and
agreement. You want to avoid arguing, interrupting, or dismissing the other person’s perspective.
You also want to avoid jumping to conclusions, making assumptions, or imposing solutions.
Instead, you want to acknowledge, validate, and respect the other person’s feelings, needs, and
interests. You also want to share your own feelings, needs, and interests. For example, you can
say “I understand that you are going through a tough time. I am sorry to hear that. I hope things
get better for you soon.” or “I appreciate your honesty and openness. I respect your opinion and
experience. I hope you can respect mine too.” or “I feel strongly about this issue. It is important
to me because it affects my work and well-being. How do you feel about it? Why is it important
to you?”

A seventh step is to brainstorm and negotiate possible solutions and actions. You want to avoid
imposing, demanding, or compromising. You also want to avoid being rigid, defensive, or
passive-aggressive. Instead, you want to collaborate, cooperate, and create. You also want to be
flexible, creative, and positive. For example, you can say “What can we do to resolve this issue or
improve this situation? Do you have any ideas or suggestions?” or “How can we meet both of our
needs and interests? What are some options or alternatives that we can consider?” or “What are
the benefits and drawbacks of each option or alternative? How can we overcome the challenges
or risks?”

A final step is to summarize and confirm the outcome and follow-up of the conversation. You
want to avoid leaving the conversation unresolved, unclear, or unfinished. You also want to avoid
making promises, commitments, or expectations that you or the other person cannot keep.
Instead, you want to review, clarify, and document what you have discussed, agreed, and
decided. You also want to express appreciation, support, and optimism. For example, you can say
“Let’s recap what we have talked about and agreed on. We have decided to do X, Y, and Z by
next week. Is that correct?” or “Do you have any questions, concerns, or feedback for me? Is there
anything else that you want to say or share?” or “Thank you for having this conversation with me.
I appreciate your cooperation and contribution. I look forward to working with you on this issue
or project.”

Conclusion

Difficult conversations are inevitable and essential in any personal or professional relationship.
They can be challenging to start and navigate, but they can also be rewarding and beneficial. By
following the steps outlined above, you can start difficult conversations in a constructive and
respectful way, and achieve positive and productive outcomes.