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Contents
Preface xiv
About the Authors xxii

Become Other-Oriented 24
■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation
to Being a Competent interpersonal
Part 1 Communicator 26
Interpersonal STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 27
Communication
Foundation 1 2 Interpersonal Communication
and Self 29
1 Introduction to Interpersonal Self-Concept: Who You Think You Are 30
Communication 1 Attitudes, Beliefs, and Values Reflect Your Self-Concept 31
Mindfulness: Being Consciously Aware 32
Interpersonal Communication Defined 2
One or Many Selves? 34
Interpersonal Communication Is a Distinctive
Form of Communication 3 How Your Self-Concept Develops 35
Interpersonal Communication Involves Mutual Self-Esteem: Your Self-Worth 41
Influence Between Individuals 4 Facework: Presenting Your Self-Image to Others 43
Interpersonal Communication Helps Individuals Projecting Your Face 43
Manage Their Relationships 5 Protecting Others’ Face 44
Interpersonal Communication’s Importance How to Improve Your Self-Esteem 46
to Your Life 5 Engage in Self-Talk 46
Improved Relationships with Family 6 Visualize a Positive Image of Yourself 46
Improved Relationships with Friends and Avoid Comparing Yourself with Others 47
Romantic Partners 6
Reframe Appropriately 47
Improved Relationships with Colleagues 6
Develop Honest Relationships 47
Improved Physical and Emotional Health 6
Let Go of the Past 47
Interpersonal Communication and the Communication
Seek Support 48
Process 7
Self and Interpersonal Relationships 49
Elements of the Communication Process 7
Self and Interaction with Others 49
Models of the Communication Process 8
Self and Your Future 50
Interpersonal Communication Principles 10
Self and Interpretation of Messages 50
Interpersonal Communication Connects
Self and Interpersonal Needs 51
Us to Others 10
Self and Disclosure to Others 52
Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible 11
Self and Communication Social Style 54
Interpersonal Communication Is Complicated 12
Interpersonal Communication Is Governed ■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation
by Rules 13 to Self and interpersonal Communication 57
Interpersonal Communication Involves STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 57
Both Content and Relationship Dimensions 13
Interpersonal Communication and Social Media 15 3 Interpersonal Communication
Differences Between EMC and Face-to-Face and Perception 60
Communication 17
Understanding Interpersonal Perception 61
Understanding EMC 19
Stage 1: Selecting 62
Interpersonal Communication Competence 23
Stage 2: Organizing 63
Become Knowledgeable, Skilled, and Motivated 23
Stage 3: Interpreting 65

vii
viii Contents

Forming Impressions of Others 66 Power: Centralized and Decentralized 94

We Develop Our Own Theories About Others 66 Time: Short-Term and Long-Term 94
We Form Impressions of Others Online: Happiness: Indulgent and Restrained 94
The Social Media Effect 67 Barriers to Effective Intercultural Communication 95
We Emphasize What Comes First: Ethnocentrism 96
The Primacy Effect 67
Different Communication Codes 98
We Emphasize What Comes Last: The Recency Effect 68
Stereotyping and Prejudice 99
We Generalize Positive Qualities to Others:
Assuming Similarities 100
The Halo Effect 68
Assuming Differences 100
We Generalize Negative Qualities to Others:
The Horn Effect 68 Improving Intercultural Communication
Competence 101
Interpreting the Behavior of Others 69
Develop Knowledge 103
We Attribute Motives to Others’ Behavior:
Attribution Theory 69 Develop Motivation: Strategies to Accept
Others 105
We Use Our Own Point of Reference About Power:
Standpoint Theory 70 Develop Skill 106
We Draw on Our Own Cultural Background: ■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation
Intercultural Communication Theory 70 to diversity: the Platinum rule 112
Identifying Barriers to Accurate Interpersonal STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 113
Perception 72
We Stereotype 72
We Ignore Information 73
We Impose Consistency 74
We Focus on the Negative 75
We Blame Others, Assuming They Have Control 75
We Avoid Responsibility 76
Part 2
Improving Interpersonal Perception Skills 77 Interpersonal
Be Aware of Your Personal Perception Barriers 78 Communication
Be Mindful of the Behaviors That Create Meaning Skills 115
for You 78
Link Details with the Big Picture
Become Aware of Others’ Perceptions of You
78
79
5 Listening and Responding Skills 115
Check Your Perceptions 79 Listening Defined 117
Become Other-Oriented 79 Selecting 117
■ aPPLYing an Attending 117
othEr-oriEntation Understanding 118
to interpersonal Perception 80 Remembering 118
STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 81 Responding 119
Listening Styles 119

4
Relational Listening Style 119
Interpersonal Communication Analytical Listening Style 119
and Diversity: Adapting Critical Listening Style 120
to Others 83 Task-Oriented Listening Style 120
Understanding Diversity: Describing Our Differences 84 Understanding Your Listening Style 120
Sex and Gender 85 Listening Barriers 121
Sexual Orientation 87 Being Self-Absorbed 122
Race and Ethnicity 87 Unchecked Emotions 123
Age 88 Criticizing the Speaker 124
Social Class 90 Differing Speech Rate and Thought Rate 124
Understanding Culture: Dimensions of Our Information Overload 124
Mental Software 91 External Noise 124
Individualism: One and Many 92 Listener Apprehension 125
Context: High and Low 93 Improving Your Listening Skills 126
Gender: Masculine and Feminine 93 How to Improve Listening Comprehension
Uncertainty: High and Low Tolerance 93 Skills 126
 Contents ix

How to Improve Empathic Listening Skills 129 Be Silent 176

How to Improve Critical Listening Skills 134 Paraphrase 176
Improving Your Responding Skills 135 ■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation
How to Improve Accurate Responding Skills 135 to Enhancing Your Verbal Skills 176
How to Improve Empathic Responding Skills 138 STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 177
Improving Your Confirmation Skills 141
How to Provide Confirming Responses 141 7 Nonverbal Communication Skills 179
How to Avoid Disconfirming Responses 143
■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation Identifying the Importance of Nonverbal Communication 180
to Listening and responding Skills 144 Nonverbal Messages Are the Primary Way We
Communicate Our Feelings and Attitudes 180
STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 145
Nonverbal Messages Are Usually More Believable
Than Verbal Messages 181
6 Verbal Communication Skills 147 Nonverbal Messages Work with Verbal Messages
to Create Meaning 182
How Words Work 148 Nonverbal Messages Help People Respond
Words Are Symbols 148 and Adapt to Others 182
Many Words Are Arbitrary 151 Nonverbal Messages Play a Major Role in Interpersonal
Words Are Culture-Bound 151 Relationships 183
The Power of Words 152 Understanding Nonverbal Communication Codes 184
Words Create Perceptions 152 Body Movement and Posture 184
Words Influence Thoughts 153 Eye Contact 187
Words Influence Actions 153 Facial Expression 187
Words Affect and Reflect Culture 154 Vocal Cues 189
Words Make and Break Relationships 155 Our Vocal Cues Provide Clues about
Our Relationships 190
Clues to Our Relationships Are Found in Our
Word Choice 155 Space 191
Clues to Our Relationships Are Found in What Territory 193
We Don’t Say 156 Touch 193
Clues to Our Online Relationships Are Found Appearance 194
in Our Tweets, Texts, and Posts 156 Improving Your Skill in Interpreting Nonverbal
How to Manage Misunderstandings 157 Messages 197
Be Aware of Missed Meaning 157 Look for Dimensions of Meaning in Nonverbal
Be Clear 158 Messages 197
Be Specific 158 Use Effective Strategies for Interpreting Nonverbal
Be Aware of Changes in Meaning 160 Messages 199
Be Aware of Polarizing Either-Or Extremes 161 Be Aware of Limitations When Interpreting
Nonverbal Messages 203
Be Unbiased 161
Improving Your Skill in Expressing Nonverbal
How to Use Words of Support and Comfort 165
Messages 205
Describe Your Feelings, Rather Than Evaluate
Be Mindful of Your Nonverbal Behavior 205
Behavior 165
Observe Others’ Reactions to Your Nonverbal
Solve Problems Rather Than Control 167
Behavior 205
Be Genuine Rather Than Manipulative 167
Ask Others About Your Nonverbal Behavior 205
Empathize Rather Than Remain Detached 168
Practice Your Nonverbal Behavior 206
Be Flexible Rather Than Rigid 169
■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation
Present Yourself as Equal Rather
to nonverbal Communication 206
Than Superior 169
How to Have a Conversation 170 STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 206

8
Starting a Conversation 170
Sustaining a Conversation 171
Conflict Management Skills 209
How to Apologize 172 Conflict Defined 210
How to Be Assertive 173 Conflict Elements 210
Describe 173 Conflict Triggers 211
Disclose 175 Conflict as a Process 212
Identify Effects 175 Conflict Myths 215
x Contents

Myth 1: Conflict Is Always a Sign of a Poor Stages of Interpersonal Relationship Development 250
Interpersonal Relationship 216 Relational Escalation 250
Myth 2: Conflict Can Always Be Avoided 216 Relational De-Escalation 252
Myth 3: Conflict Always Occurs Because Principles Underlying Relational Stages 253
of Misunderstandings 216
Theories of Interpersonal Relationship Development 255
Myth 4: Conflict Can Always Be Resolved 216
Social Exchange Theory 255
Conflict Types 216 Relational Dialectics Theory 257
Pseudoconflict: Misunderstandings 217 Self-Disclosure and Social Penetration Theory 259
Simple Conflict: Different Stands on the Issues 217
■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation
Ego Conflict: Conflict Gets Personal 218 to Understanding interpersonal relationships 264
Conflict and Power 219
STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 265
Power Principles 220
Power Sources 221 10 Managing Relationship
Power to Persuade 221 Challenges 267
Power Negotiation 222
Conflict Management Styles 222 Relationship and Communication Challenges 268
Avoidance 223 Violating Expectations 268
Accommodation 224 Challenging Communication: Addressing Grief
and Delivering Bad News 273
Competition 225
Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships
Compromise 226
(LDRs) 274
Collaboration 226
Relationships That Challenge Social Norms 275
Conflict Management Skills 228
The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication and
Manage Your Emotions 229 Relationships 276
Manage Information 232 Deception 277
Manage Goals 234 Communication That Hurts Feelings 280
Manage the Problem 234 Jealousy 281
■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation Unwanted Attention 282
to Conflict Management 237 Relational Violence 283
STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 238 Relationship De-Escalation and Termination 285
Signs of Relationship Problems 286
Repair and Rejuvenation 287
The Decision to End a Relationship 287
How Relationships End 288
Reasons for De-Escalating and Terminating 289
Part 3 The Relational Dissolution Process 290
Strategies for Ending Relationships 292
Interpersonal
Recovery Strategies 293
Communication
■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation
in Relationships 241 to relationship Challenges 295

9 Understanding Interpersonal STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 296

Relationships 241
11 Interpersonal Relationships:
Interpersonal Relationships Defined 242
Friendship and Romance 297
Shared Perception 242
Ongoing Interdependent Connection 243 Friendship 298
Relational Expectations 243 Making Friends 300
Interpersonal Intimacy 244 Friendships at Different Stages in Life 300
Circumstance or Choice 244 Same-Sex Friendships 302
Power 245 Cross-Sex Friendships 303
Genesis of Interpersonal Relationships: Attraction 246 Diverse Friendships 304
Sources of Initial Attraction 247 Romantic Relationships 307
Sources of Both Initial and Long-Term Qualities of Romantic Relationships 309
Attraction 248 From Friendship to Romance 313
 Contents xi

Dating 313 Strategies for Improving Family

Unrequited Romantic Interest (URI) 316 Communication 337
Interpersonal Relationship Strategies 318 Specific Family Relationships 339
Strategies Used Primarily to Initiate a Relationship 318 Workplace Relationships 346
Strategies Used to Initiate and/or Escalate Workplace Friendships 346
Relationships 319 Workplace Romances 349
Strategies Used to Escalate and/or Maintain Formal Relationships and Communication
Relationships 322 Directions in the Workplace 351
■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation The Dark Side of Workplace Communication 356
to Friends and romantic Partners 326 ■ aPPLYing an othEr-oriEntation
STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 326 to Family and Workplace relationships 358
STUDY GUIDE: Review, Apply, and Assess 359
12 Interpersonal Relationships:
Family and Workplace 328 Notes 360
Family Relationships 329 Glossary 394
Family Defined 329
Index 402
Family Types 330
Two Models of Family Interaction 333 Credits 408
Special Features
RElATInG TO DIvERSE OThERS
The World Is Here 9
The “Golden Rule”: Is Being Other-Oriented a Universal Value? 35
The Power of Being Other-Oriented 71
A Diversity Almanac 85
Tao: A Universal Moral Code 107
Who Listens Better: Men or Women? 122
Do Men and Women Speak the Same Language? 163
Cultural and Gender Differences in Interpreting Nonverbal Messages 195
Gender and Conflict 218
Cultural Differences in Self-Disclosure 261
Women’s and Men’s Responses to Relationships Challenges 286
Empathy and Sexual Orientation 289
Female and Male Dating Roles 315
Male–Female Communication in the Workplace 351
Intercultural Bargaining and Deal-Making 355

COmmUnICATIOn AnD EmOTIOn

The Role of Emotions in Our Relationships with Others 16
Self and Emotion: How We Influence How We Feel 40
How to Perceive the Emotions of Others More Accurately 80
Are Human Emotions Universal? 102
What’s Your Emotional Intelligence Level and Why Does It Matter? 133
The Timing of Saying “I Love You”: After You. No, After You. 167
How to Accurately Interpret the Nonverbal Expression of Emotions 191
Do You Know What Your “Hot Buttons” Are? 213
Assessing Your Emotional Responses to Relationship Challenges 294
Emotions at Home 344

ImPROvInG YOUR COmmUnICATIOn SkIllS

Practice Being Other-Oriented 25
Who Are You? 30
What’s Your Communication Social Style? 55
Assuming the Best or the Worst About Others: Identifying
Alternative Explanations 77
Identifying and Adapting to Cultural Rules and Norms 111
How to Identify Both Major Ideas and Details to Enhance Listening 128
Practice Using “I” Language and Extended “I” Language 168
How to Express Your Emotions to Others 174
Practicing Nonverbal Perception Checking 201
Dealing with Prickly People 235
Graphing Your Relationship Changes 252
Self-Disclosure as a Dance 263
Trait Forgiveness 272
Friends with a Difference 276
Understanding Your Relational Expectations 306
Identifying Your Family System 335
Other-Orientation at Home and Work 346
xii
 Special Features xiii

#communicationandtechnology
Always On 22
Comparing Your “Cyber Self” and Your “Realspace Self” 38
The SIDE Model: Forming Stereotypes Online 74
Relating to Others Online in Intercultural Relationships 96
Being “Listened to” by Our Facebook Friends 130
Relating to Others Online 175
Saying It Without Saying It Online 196
Conflict Happens 227
Do Cell Phones Threaten Your Autonomy? 258
Cyberstalking, Cyberbullying, and Partner Surveillance 284
Friendship, Romance, and the Internet 317
Networked Families 342
Networked Workers 353
Preface
T
he world does not revolve around you. This
un-profound observation has profound implications
for the study of interpersonal communication: At the
heart of quality interpersonal relationships is an empha-
sis on others. A focus on others rather than on oneself has
been the hallmark of most volunteer, community, and faith
movements in the world for millennia. Yet this book is not
about religion or philosophy. It’s about how to enhance the
quality of your interpersonal communication with others.
The importance of being other-oriented was the foun-
dation of the first seven well-received editions of Interper-
sonal Communication: Relating to Others, and it continues to
be the central theme of the eighth edition.
What’s New in the Eighth Edition
REVEL™
Educational technology designed
for the way today’s students read,
think, and learn
When students are engaged deeply, they learn more
effectively and perform better in their courses. This simple
fact inspired the creation of REVEL: an immersive learn-
ing experience designed for the way today’s students read,
think, and learn. Built in collaboration with educators and
students nationwide, REVEL is the newest, fully digital
way to deliver respected Pearson content.
REVEL enlivens course content with media interac-
tives and assessments—integrated directly within the au-
thors’ narrative—that provide opportunities for students
to read about and practice course material in tandem. This
immersive educational technology boosts student engage-
ment, which leads to better understanding of concepts and
improved performance throughout the course.
Learn more about REVEL
http://www.pearsonhighered.com/revel/
SPECIAL FEAtuRES FoR CoMMunICAtIon StuDEntS
REVEL is a dynamic learning experience that offers students
a way to study the content and topics relevant to communi-
cation in a whole new way. Rather than simply offering op-
portunities to read about and study interpersonal commu-
nication, REVEL facilitates deep, engaging interactions with
xiv
the concepts that matter most. For example, in Chapter 5,
students are presented with a self-assessment that scores
their skill in empathizing with others, allowing them to
examine their level of empathy and consider how they
could improve on it. Interactive text and figures on top-
ics like “What You Do with Your Communication Time”
are designed to capture student’s attention and engage
them in the text. In addition, students are presented with
video examples throughout the book on topics like listen-
ing styles, social media, nonverbal communication, percep-
tion barriers, and personal space. A wealth of student and
instructor resources and interactive materials can be found
within REVEL. Some of our favorites include the following:
• Audio Excerpts
Students can listen to audio clips while they read,
bringing examples to life in a way that a printed text
cannot. Throughout the book, dialogue excerpts high-
light effective as well as ineffective ways to communi-
cate. These audio examples reinforce learning and add
dimension to the printed text.
• Self-Assessments
Self-assessment instruments allow students to analyze
their own communication styles, enabling them to
learn and grow over the duration of the course. A vari-
ety of self-assessments are offered, including ones on
topics such as testing your empathy and strategies for
improving intercultural competence.
• Videos and Video Self-Checks
Video clips appear throughout the narrative to boost
mastery, and many videos are bundled with cor-
relating self-checks, enabling students to test their
knowledge.
• Interactive Figures
Animated figures help students understand hard-to-
grasp concepts, such as the model of relational devel-
opment, through interactive visualizations.
• Integrated Writing opportunities
To help students connect chapter content with personal
meaning, each chapter offers two varieties of writing
prompts: the Journal prompt, which elicits free-form,
topic-specific responses addressing content at the mod-
ule level, and the Shared Writing prompt, which encour-
ages students to share and respond to each other’s brief
responses to high-interest topics in the chapter.`

For more information about all the tools and resources
in REVEL and access to your own REVEL account for
Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Eighth
Edition go to www.pearsonhighered.com/revel.
Chapter Updates
In addition to the abundance of in-chapter interactive and
media materials you’ll find in REVEL, we have worked
to retain the strengths of the text that readers seem to
value most—an easily accessible style, our other-oriented
approach, and a balance of theory and skills. This new edi-
tion adds fresh examples and new research throughout.
Here are some reasons to give this new edition a close look:
• Chapter 1, “Introduction to Interpersonal Commu-
nication,” includes additional discussion, research,
and examples about social media. In addition, newly
titled #communicationandtechnology boxes, which are
included in each chapter, discuss the influence of new
technology on interpersonal communication.
• Chapter 2, “Interpersonal Communication and Self,”
presents additional research on the material self,
attachment styles, and self-disclosure, among other
topics. More social media examples have also been
added to the chapter.
• Chapter 3, “Interpersonal Communication and Percep-
tion,” contains a new discussion on active and passive
perception. New research on stereotyping and fun-
damental attribution error has also been added to the
chapter.
• Chapter 4, “Interpersonal Communication and
Diversity: Adapting to Others,” includes an expanded
discussion on discrimination and new content on the
cultural dimensions of happiness.
• Chapter 5, “Listening and Responding Skills,” contains
new research on social media and listening goals. The
chapter features a new #communicationandtechnology
box about being “listened to” by our Facebook friends.
Preface xv
A Relating to Diverse others box also explores the
updated topic, “Who Listens Better: Men or Women?”
• Chapter 6, “Verbal Communication Skills,” features a
new section on how to have a conversation with others.
The chapter also includes a new discussion on online
relationships.
• Chapter 7, “ Nonverbal Communication Skills,”
includes new research on how our vocal cues provide
clues about our relationships and how physical appear-
ance can influence perception.
• Chapter 8, “Conflict Management Skills,” has been
reorganized so that the content on conflict triggers
appears before the discussion of conflict as a process.
A new Communication and Emotion box covering
“hot button” issues has also been added. The discussion
of power negotiation has been streamlined.
• Chapter 9, “Understanding Interpersonal Relationships,”
contains new research on how intimate relationships
enhance our self-esteem and confidence, and how our use
of Facebook changes as relationships escalate. Additional
examples about online dating and speed dating have also
been added to the chapter.
• Chapter 10, “Managing Relationship Challenges,”
features a new discussion on addressing grief and deliv-
ering bad news. Coverage of cyberbullying has been
increased, and Facebook surveillance has been added.
• Chapter 11, “Interpersonal Relationships: Friendship
and Romance,” includes more social media examples
and research. The discussion on romantic relationships,
including dating, has been expanded with new exam-
ples and research.
• Chapter 12, “Interpersonal Relationships: Family and
Workplace,” has additional coverage on the dark side
of workplace communication, nontraditional families,
and the adoption of communication technology in the
workplace. New studies, data, and examples have been
added throughout the chapter.
xvi Preface

Unique Features
An Other-Oriented Approach
Becoming other-oriented is a collection of skills and principles that are designed
to increase your sensitivity to and understanding of others. Being other-oriented
doesn’t mean you abandon your own thoughts, ignore your feelings, and change
your behavior only to please others; that would not only be unethical, it would also
be an ineffective approach to developing genuine, honest relationships with others.
An other-oriented person is self-aware in addition to being aware of others. True em-
BEING Other-ORIENTED pathy, emotional intelligence, and sensitivity are possible only when we feel secure
It’s important to know your own about our own identities.
preferred listening style, but it’s
also important to understand the Becoming other-oriented is a mindful process of considering the thoughts, needs,
listening style of your communi- feelings, and values of others, rather than focusing exclusively on oneself. This process
cation partner. How can you do
this? Look for clues that help you involves all the classic principles and skills typically taught in interpersonal communi-
identify your partner’s listening cation courses—listening, feedback, conflict management skills, and verbal and non-
style. Relational listeners want to
hear stories and anecdotes about
verbal skills—and places additional emphasis on the importance of the perceptions,
others. Analytical listeners will be thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, values, and emotions of others.
interested in facts. Critical listeners
will be more focused on errors,
inconsistencies, and discrepan- BEIng othER-oRIEntED Being other-oriented boxes appear throughout the
cies when listening. Task-oriented
listeners will be focused on verbs; book and connect the other-orientation theme to specific discussions, often present-
they want to know what to do with ing thought-provoking questions to get students thinking about how other-oriented
the information they hear.
their own communication is.

APPLyIng An othER-oRIEntAtIon At the

Applying an Other-Orientation
to Listening and Responding Skills
It’s impossible to be other-oriented without listening and observing
others. Listening to comprehend information, empathize, or criti-
cally evaluate what others say is the quintessential other-oriented
skill. The following poem by an anonymous author, simply called
“Listen,” nicely summarizes the reason listening is such an import-
ant interpersonal skill.
Listen
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you
have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I
shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problems, you have failed me,
end of each chapter, the summary section Applying an
And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged
other-orientation discusses essential applications and
specifically applies the other-orientation to the chapter
and faltering, but not helpless.
myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you content.
and can get about the business of understanding what’s
behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need
advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s
behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some
people—because God is mute, and doesn’t give advice or

A Balance of Principles and Skills

try to fix things,
strange as that may seem.
God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen. Not talk or do—just hear
So, please listen and just hear me, and, if you want to talk, wait
me.
a minute for your turn and I’ll listen to you

This book provides a clear overview of interpersonal

communication theory and principles to help students
understand how they communicate, balanced with strategies to help students im-
prove their interpersonal communication skill. Every chapter includes both clas-
sic and contemporary research conclusions that document essential interpersonal
communication principles. Theory that helps explain the interpersonal communi-
cation behavior of others also helps students predict how best to enhance their own
interpersonal communication. The research-based skills and practical suggestions
throughout will show students how to apply the principles and improve such skills
as listening, conflict management, and verbal and nonverbal communication.

An Emphasis on Diversity
Inherent in our other-oriented approach is the understanding that people differ in
significant ways, such as culture, age, gender, sexual orientation, religion, political
perspectives, and other points of view. It is because of these differences that we need
skills and principles that allow us to develop links to other people and encourage us
to establish meaningful interpersonal relationships with them.
Communication occurs when people find commonalities in meaning that transcend
their differences. Using a competency-based approach, this book presents practical,
 Preface xvii

research-based strategies for increasing understanding when interacting with those who
are different from us. Using examples, illustrations, and research conclusions woven
throughout each chapter, we identify ways to become other-oriented despite differences
we encounter in people of the other gender or of other cultures, ethnicities, or ideologies.

IntERPERSonAL CoMMunICAtIon AnD

DIVERSIty: ADAPtIng to othERS This Relating to Diverse Others
9JQ.KUVGPU$GVVGT/GPQT9QOGP!
in-depth chapter (Chapter 4) not only identifies barri- Research provides no clear-cut answer to
the question “Who listens better, men or
ers to competent intercultural communication but also women?” There is evidence, however, that
men and women may listen somewhat dif-
• enhance a relationship.
• reinforce the existing structure in a
message.
• understand multiple elements in a
and women listen, may simply be perpet-
uating stereotypes based on the way men
and women think they are supposed to
listen.32 Additionally, although there may

presents strategies to bridge the chasm of differences

ferently. The following general patterns have message. be some differences, the distinctions may
emerged from research, but are not neces- not be based on a person’s biological
These differences have been summarized
sarily applicable to all men and women:31 sex; they more likely reflect differences

that still too often divide rather than unite people.

Men tend to listen to
• solve a problem.
• accomplish a task.
• look for a new structure in a message.
• focus on one element in a message.
RELAtIng to DIVERSE othERS This feature, in- Women tend to listen to
• search for relationships among pieces
of information in the message.
cluded in every chapter, presents research findings as
well as communication strategies for understanding dif-
ferences.
with this statement: Men listen to report
in gender (socially constructed, cultural,
while women listen to establish rapport.
or co-cultural learned behavior).33 As we
Yet even this broad distinction between the
have stressed, an other-oriented approach
ways men and women may process infor-
to interpersonal communication focuses
mation is controversial. Communication
on the individual needs or perspectives
researchers Stephanie Sargent and
of the other person, rather than relying on
James Weaver suggest that pop psychol-
ogy, which alleges dramatic “Mars” and
“Venus” differences between the way men
stereotypes to make definitive judgments
about another person.

An Emphasis on Technology
The line between face-to-face and electronically mediated communication has become
increasingly blurred as we text, e-mail, and Skype with our friends and share the lat-
est news and views via Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and blogs. This text explores the
ever-increasing role of technology in interpersonal communication and the implica-
tions of technology for our daily communication and our relationships with others.
Throughout the book we have included the latest research findings about how our
electronic connections affect our face-to-face interactions.

#communicationandtechnology The #communica-

tionandtechnology feature box focuses on research #communicationandtechnology
Being “Listened to” by our Facebook Friends
conclusions about the ways in which technology is Listening to others is a way to show our support and express that if we are fearful of being judged by close friends or we

changing how we relate to and interact with others
and offers practical applications relating to the impact
our affection toward them, especially if the other person is
having a difficult time. When we have a difficult day or have
had a disappointment, research suggests that we expect our
friends to be there for us and support us.
There is evidence that we increasingly turn to Facebook
feel at risk disclosing something personal that would invite
a detailed response, we may turn to Facebook to seek sup-
port in the form of a quick “like”—enough for us to know
that someone “hears” us and that we don’t have to provide
lengthy explanations.59

of such technologies as Skype, Instagram, Facebook, and other social media to seek a “listening ear” when life gets
tough.58 Although we may have many close friends in whom
How do you enhance your empathic listening skills?
First, think about what the other person may be thinking

and Twitter on establishing and maintaining interper- we can confide, Facebook provides us with a broader audi-
ence of acquaintances as well as good, close friends who can
by socially decentering; second, focus on the feelings and
emotions of your partner, truly empathizing with the other
listen to our concerns and life challenges. Research suggests person.60
sonal relationships.

An Emphasis on Relationships
As the book’s subtitle Relating to Others suggests, we highlight the importance of enhanc-
ing interpersonal relationships by developing an increased awareness of and sensitivity
to how we relate to others. Relationship chapters focus first on fundamental interper-
sonal theory and skills directly related to relationships and on theories of the stages of
relationship development. While we emphasize the positive nature of relationships, we
also provide a glimpse into the challenging “dark side” of relating to others, including
such issues as deception, jealousy, and the influence
of technology on our interactions and communica- Communication and Emotion
tion. A wide range of relationship types is then ex- 9JCVoU;QWT'OQVKQPCN+PVGNNKIGPEG.GXGNCPF9J[&QGU+V/CVVGT!

plored in detail, including relationships with friends,
romantic partners, family members, and coworkers,
You’ve undoubtedly heard about emotional
intelligence, perhaps on TV or in the media.
Researchers have found it is an important
factor in how you relate to others.
voices and paying attention to facial expres- emotions, but also the emotions of others.
sions, posture, and other cues. A skilled public speaker, for example,
knows how to use motivational appeals to
EI Helps You Think and Work More
Effectively
persuade or motivate others. Of course,
using one’s emotional intelligence to

as well as strategies for managing these relationships. What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability
Emotional intelligence can help you with manipulate others is unethical, just as it is
other cognitive tasks. For example, if you unethical to use one’s cognitive intelligence
to be empathic and aware of your own know you are usually in a more productive, to be deceptive and trick others. Many
emotions as well as the emotions of others. positive mood in the morning than in the thieves and con artists are quite emotion-
Emotionally intelligent people are also able evening, you will use the morning hours for ally intelligent, but they focus this intelli-

CoMMunICAtIon AnD EMotIon Revised to manage their own emotions. It has been
almost twenty-five years since Daniel Gole-
Communication and Emotion boxes through- man’s book Emotional Intelligence: Why It
Can Matter More than IQ was published.
That book, along with a Time magazine
tasks (such as writing) that require focused
concentration.
EI Helps You Express Emotions
An emotionally intelligent person is able
gence on duping their victims. Emotional
intelligence, like cognitive intelligence, is a
gift that can be used for either good or bad
purposes.
Research has documented that peo-

out help students see how emotions affect their cover story about emotional intelligence
(sometimes referred to as EQ, for “emo-
to express his or her own emotions—to
use words accurately to describe feelings,
ple who are emotionally intelligent are bet-
ter listeners and are overall more socially

relationships with others. tion quotient”) helped to popularize the moods and emotions skilled than people who are not emotionally
xviii Preface

A Partnership with Students and Instructors

To use a music metaphor, we have provided the “notes,” but the instructor is the one
who makes the music, in concert with the student reader. We provide the melody
line, but the instructor adds harmony, texture, and color to make the instructional
message sing.
Built into the book is a vast array of pedagogical features:

• Learning objectives appear at the beginning of each

 .GCTPKPI1DLGEVKXGU %*#26'4176.+0'
chapter and are additionally highlighted in their re-
5.1 Define listening, and describe five elements of the listening process. Listening Defined
lated sections. Then, using the learning objectives as
5.2 Identify characteristics of four listening styles. Listening Styles an organizing framework, our Study guide feature
5.3 List and describe barriers to effective listening. Listening Barriers
5.4 Identify and use skills to enhance comprehension, empathy, and Improving Your Listening at the end of each chapter gives students the opportu-
critical listening. Skills
5.5 Identify and use skills to effectively and appropriately respond to Improving Your nity to review, apply, and assess key chapter concepts
others. Responding Skills
5.6 Identify and use skills to effectively and appropriately confirm Improving Your through critical thinking questions, and classroom
others Confirmation Skills
and group activities.
• Chapter-opening sections highlight the one-to-one
correspondence of the learning objectives and chap-
Recap
.KUVGPKPI$CTTKGTU ter outlines.
Listening Barrier
Self-Absorption
To Overcome the Barrier
Become conscious of the self-focus, and shift attention.
• Student-friendly Recap feature boxes periodically
summarize key concepts and terms.
Unchecked Emotions Use self-talk to manage emotions.
Criticism of the Speaker Focus on the message, not the messenger.
Differing Speech and Thought Rate Use the time difference between speech rate and thought rate to mentally summarize the message.

• Improving your Communication Skills boxes

Information Overload Realize when you or your partner is tired or distracted and not ready to listen.
External Noise Take charge of the listening environment by eliminating distractions.
Listener Apprehension Concentrate on the message as you mentally summarize what you hear.

throughout offer practical strategies for applying

Improving Your Communication Skills
*QYVQ+FGPVKH[$QVJ/CLQT+FGCUCPF&GVCKNUVQ'PJCPEG.KUVGPKPI
To become a skilled listener, you must know how to identify
both the major ideas and details of a message. How do you
do that?
chapter content.
• Key terms are defined in a full end-of-book glossary.
Key term definitions also appear in the margins.
Read each of the following statements. After you have read
each statement, cover it with your hand or a piece of paper.
In addition to the learning resources built into
First, list as many of the details as you can recall from the mes-

• First, ask yourself, “What is the key idea? What does

this person want or expect from me?” Or, “Is there one
main idea or are there several ideas jumbled together?”
Consider: Is your goal to remember the information, take
some action, empathize with the speaker, or just listen to
reflect and be a sounding board?
• Second, identify the overall emotional tone of the mes-
sage. Is the speaker calm, angry, happy, peaceful, or
upset? Assessing the emotion of the speaker can help
you identify the speaker’s purpose.
• Third, try to identify the overall organizational pattern.
Is the speaker telling a story in chronological order? Is
the message organized around general topics? Or is the
speaker elaborating on the reasons why something is
sage. Second, summarize your understanding of the major idea
or key point of the message. As a variation on this activity, rather
the book, we provide a wide array of instructional re-
than reading the statement, have someone read the statement
to you, and then identify the details and major idea. sources and student supplements.
Statement 1: “I’m very confused. I reserved our con-
ference room for 1 today for an important meeting. We
all know that conference space is tight. I reserved the room
last week with the administrative assistant. Now I learn that
you plan to use the conference room at noon for a two-hour
meeting. It’s now 11 . We need to solve this problem soon.
hold my meeting today, the boss is going to be upset.”
Statement 2: “Hello, Marcia? I’m calling on my cell
phone Where are you? I thought y ou were supposed to

Resources in Print and Online

Key instructor resources include an Instructor’s Manual (ISBN 0-13-420422-0), Test
Bank (ISBN 0-13-420419-0), and PowerPoint Presentation Package (ISBN 0-13-420420-
4). These supplements are available at www.pearsonhighered.com/irc (access code
required). MyTest online test generating software (ISBN 0-13-420417-4) is available at
www.pearsonmytest.com (access code required).
For a complete listing of the instructor and student resources available
with this text, please visit the Interpersonal Communication e-Catalog page at
www.pearsonhighered.com.

Pearson MediaShare
Pearson’s comprehensive media upload tool allows
students to post video, images, audio, or documents for
instructor and peer viewing, time-stamped comment-
ing, and assessment. MediaShare is an easy, mobile way
for students and professors to interact and engage with
speeches, presentation aids, group projects, and other
files. MediaShare gives professors the tools to provide
contextual feedback to demonstrate how students can
improve their skills.
Structured like a social networking site, MediaShare
helps promote a sense of community among students.
In face-to-face and online course settings, MediaShare
saves instructors valuable time and enriches the student
learning experience by providing contextual feedback.
• Use MediaShare to assign or view speeches, outlines,
presentation aids, video-based assignments, role-
plays, group projects, and more in a variety of formats
including video, Word, PowerPoint, and Excel.
Preface xix
• Assess students using customizable, Pearson-provided
rubrics or create your own around classroom goals,
learning outcomes, or department initiatives.
• Set up assignments for students with options for
full-class viewing and commenting, private com-
ments between you and the student, peer groups for
reviewing, or as collaborative group assignments.
• Record video directly from a tablet, phone, or
other webcam (including a batch upload option for
instructors) and tag submissions to a specific student
or assignment.
• Set up Learning Objectives tied to specific assignments,
rubrics, or quiz questions to track student progress.
• Embed video from YouTube to incorporate current
events into the classroom experience.
• Set up quiz questions on video assignments to ensure
students master concepts and interact and engage
with the media.
• Sync slides to media submissions for more robust
presentation options.
• Import grades into most learning management
systems.
• Ensure a secure learning environment for instructors
and students through robust privacy settings.
• Upload videos, comment on submissions, and grade
directly from our new MediaShare app, available
free from the iTunes store and GooglePlay; search
for Pearson MediaShare.
Pearson MediaShare is available as a standalone
product, as part of MyCommunicationLab, or in a
package with REVEL.
xx Preface
Acknowledgments
This book is not only a collaboration among the three of us,
but also a collaboration with a host of others. Without the
research conclusions of the talented, creative scholars who
have studied interpersonal communication and published
their results, a book of this scope would not be possible.
We also thank our students, who are a constant source of
questions, ideas, inspiration, and challenges that enrich our
teaching and writing.
We are especially thankful for the continuing outstand-
ing editorial support and leadership that kept our multi-
author team collaborating with aplomb. Publisher for
Communication, Karon Bowers, who has worked with us for
more than a decade, continues to be a source of inspiration
and unwavering support. Our talented development edi-
tor, Ellen Keohane, provided the perfect balance of atten-
tion to details while also helping us keep the larger issues
and goals in focus. We also appreciate the dozens of gifted
interpersonal communication instructors and scholars who
read the manuscript and offered suggestions that have
made this a better book. We thank the following people for
sharing their information, ideas, and ingenuity with us as
they reviewed this edition or previous editions of the book.
Eighth Edition Reviewers
Paula Casey, Colorado Mesa University; Linda Kalfayan,
SUNY Westchester Community College; Christa Tess Kalk,
Minneapolis Community and Technical College; Jeffrey
Lawrence, Ivy Tech Community College; Narissra Punya-
nunt-Carter, Texas Tech University; Elizabeth Ribarsky,
University of Illinois, Springfield; Dennis Sutton, Grand Rap-
ids Community College; Lindsay Timmerman, University of
Wisconsin–Milwaukee; Zuoming Wang, University of North
Texas; Michael Wittig, Waukesha County Technical College;
Denise Woolsey, Yavapai College.
Reviewers of Previous Editions
Rebecca Anderson, Johnson County Community College;
Leonard Barchak, McNeese University; Cameron Smith
Basquiat, Community College of Southern Nevada; Judyth Betz-
Gonzales, Delta College; Marion Boyer, Kalamazoo Community
College; Mark Bruner, University of Alaska–Anchorage;
Scott E. Caplan, University of Delaware; Carolyn Clark, Salt
Lake Community College; Norman Clark, Appalachian State
University; Carolyn P. DeLeCour, Palo Alto College; Carol
Z. Dolphin, University of Wisconsin–Waukesha; Terrence
Doyle, Northern Virginia Community College; Rebecca E.
Dunn, Westmoreland County Community College; Reginald
E. Ecarma, Campbellsville University; David L. Edwards,
South Central Technical College; Janie Harden Fritz, Duquesne
University; Neva Gronert, Arapahoe Community College;
Patricia M. Harris-Jenkinson, Sacramento City College; Sherry
J. Holmen, Albuquerque Technical Vocational Institute; Adna G.
Howell, Delta College; David D. Hudson, Golden West College;
Diana K. Ivy, Texas A&M University–Corpus Christi; Thomas
E. Jewell, Marymount College; Elizabeth R. Lamoureux,
Buena Vista University; Traci Letcher, University of Kentucky;
Heidi McGrew, Sinclair Community College; Charles R.
McMahan, Vincennes University; Timothy P. Mottet, Texas
State University–San Marcos; Lisa M. Orick, Albuquerque
Technical Vocational Institute; James R. Pauff, Bowling Green
State University; Nan Peck, Northern Virginia Community
College; Terry Perkins, Eastern Illinois University; Lori
Petite, Sacramento City College; Narissra Punyanunt-Carter,
Texas Tech University; Susan Richardson, Prince George’s
Community College; Michael Schliessman, South Dakota State
University; Xiaowei Shi, Middle Tennessee State University;
Cheri Simonds, Illinois State University; Anntarie Lanita
Sims, Trenton State College; Heather A. Smith, Santa Monica
College; Vincent Scott Smithson, Purdue University North
Central; Dickie Spurgeon, Southern Illinois University; Glen
H. Stamp, Ball State University; R. Weylin Sternglanz, Nova
Southeastern University; Douglas H. Stewart, Lake Washington
Technical College; Pamela Stovall, University of New Mexico–
Gallup; Claire Sullivan, University of Maine; Dennis Sutton,
Grand Rapids Community College; James J. Tolhuizen,
Indiana University Northwest; Sally Vogl-Bauer, University
of Wisconsin–Whitewater; Mary Walker, South Texas College;
Sheryl L. Williams, University of Wisconsin–Whitewater;
Bethany Winkler, Central Texas College; Lori Wisdom-Whitley,
Everett Community College; Richard L. Wiseman, California
State University–Fullerton.
We are blessed with the support and ideas of our many
colleagues and friends, as well as the ongoing love and
encouragement given to us by our families:
From Sue and Steve: We thank Thompson Biggers, a val-
ued friend and colleague who helped conceptualize this
book. Mary Jeanette Smythe, Tom Willett, Tim Mottet, and
Diana Ivy are long-time educators and friends who inspired
us with their knowledge and gift of friendship. Phil Salem,
Lee Williams, Cathy Fleuriet, and Maureen Keeley are friends
and colleagues at Texas State University who have positively
influenced our work. John Masterson, a valued friend and
colleague, also greatly influenced our teaching and writing
about interpersonal communication. Special thanks go to the
late Michael Argyle at Oxford University, Oxford, England,
who sponsored Steve as a Visiting Scholar at Oxford’s
Wolfson College and generously shared his research findings.
Thanks, too, to Peter and Jill Collett, friends and colleagues
from Oxford, for their assistance, support, and friendship.
Thane McCollough, now president of Gonzaga University,
also provided valuable support for this project.
We have outstanding support from many people. Sue
Hall, senior administrative assistant in the Department of

Communication Studies at Texas State, continues to be an
invaluable assistant and friend. Bob Hanna and Chelsea
Stockton are also valued colleagues and staff members who
provided skilled support. We thank our good friend Kosta
Tovstiadi for his skillful research assistance in helping us
secure the most contemporary research we could find about
interpersonal communication.
We want especially to thank our parents, Russell and
Muriel Beebe, who are beginning their seventy-fifth year of
marriage, and Jane and the late Herb Dye, who were mar-
ried for more than sixty years. These humble, loving, and
dedicated parental mentors were our first and finest teach-
ers of interpersonal communication. We also thank our son
Mark, who continues to teach us that the power of love can
overcome life’s challenges, and our son Matt, who teaches
us about the importance of finding music and beauty in
days filled with both sunshine and clouds.
From Mark: I have used the textbook for many years
in teaching the introduction to interpersonal communica-
tion course at Iowa State and I owe a debt to hundreds of
students, both for their feedback on the text and for teach-
ing me through their own interpersonal experiences. For
example, it was my students who first introduced me to
the term and meaning of “friends with benefits.” My
Preface xxi
Iowa State colleagues Denise Vrchota, Tina Coffelt, Stacy
Tye-Williams, Racheal Ruble, Todd Jenks, and David Vogel
continue to provide their support, encouragement, and
friendship. I would also like to acknowledge and thank a
group of colleagues I met years ago when we were all grad-
uate students at the University of Denver and with whom
I have developed lifelong treasured friendships: Rich
Arthur, John Masterson, Diane Ritzdorf, Marc Routhier, the
late Jim Tolhuizen, and especially Phil Backlund at Central
Washington University.
I am particularly thankful to my parents, the late
Jack and Alice Redmond; my brother, Jack; and my sis-
ters, Ruthann, Mary Lynn, and Tina, who helped shape a
family environment that planted the seeds for studying and
appreciating interpersonal communication. Those seeds
have been nurtured into a full-grown fascination with how
communication shapes our lives and personal development
by my wife, Peggy; my daughter, Beth; my son Nicholas
and his wife, Kimberlee; and my son Eric and his wife, Amy.
On a practical level, I owe a lot of my understanding of the
Internet and Facebook to my kids.
Steven A. Beebe
Susan J. Beebe
Mark V. Redmond
About the Authors
Steven A. Beebe is Regents’ and Uni-
versity Distinguished Professor in the
Department of Communication Studies
at Texas State University. He served as
Chair of his department at Texas State
for twenty-eight years and concur-
rently as Associate Dean for twenty-five
years. Steve is the author or co-author of
twelve widely used communication books, most of which
have been through multiple editions (including Russian
and Chinese editions), as well as numerous articles, book
chapters, and conference presentations. He has been a
Visiting Scholar at both Oxford University and Cambridge
University in England. He made international headlines
when conducting research at Oxford; he discovered a
manuscript that was the partial opening chapter of a book
that was to be co-authored with J. R. R. Tolkien and C. S.
Lewis called Language and Human Nature. Steve has traveled
widely in Europe and Asia, and has played a leadership role
in establishing new communication curricula in Russian
universities. He has received his university’s highest awards
for research and twice for service, has been recognized as
Honors Professor of the year, and was named Outstanding
Communication Professor by the National Speaker ’s
Association. In 2013 he served as President of the National
Communication Association, the largest professional com-
munication association in the world. His passions include
his family and a lifelong love of music; he is a pianist and
organist and a struggling cellist.
Susan J. Beebe’s professional interests
and expertise encompass both oral
and written communication. Sue has
co-authored three books and has pub-
lished a number of articles and teaching
materials in both English and com-
munication studies. She has received
the Texas State University Presidential
Awards for Excellence in Teaching and in Service and the
College of Liberal Arts Awards for Excellence in Scholarly/
Creative Activities, in Teaching, and in Service. After serv-
ing as Director of Lower-Division Studies in English for
xxii
eleven years, Sue retired in 2014 from the Department of
English at Texas State. An active volunteer in the commu-
nity of San Marcos, Texas, Sue was the founding coordina-
tor of the San Marcos Volunteers in Public Schools Program
and has served on the San Marcos School Board and the
Education Foundation Board. In 1993 she was named the
statewide Friend of Education by the Texas Classroom
Teachers’ Association; in 2000 the San Marcos school dis-
trict presented her with its Lifetime Achievement Award.
Sue enjoys reading, traveling, and caring for the Beebe
family cats, Luke and Bouncer. Sue and Steve have two
sons: Mark, a graduate of Rice University; and Matt, a
graduate of Southwestern University and a middle school
teacher in nearby Austin.
Mark V. Redmond is an Associate
Professor of Communication Studies
at Iowa State University. In 2012 he
received the College of Liberal Arts
and Sciences award for Outstanding
Achievement in Teaching. Besides this
book, Mark has authored an introduc-
tory text on communication theory and research, edited
an upper-level text in interpersonal communication, and
co-authored a public speaking text. His research focuses
on social decentering (taking into account another person’s
thoughts, feelings, perspectives, etc.), one of the themes
incorporated in this text. His research studies include
expectations associated with male–female relationships,
social decentering’s impact in marriage, initial interactions
between strangers, adaptation in interpersonal interac-
tions, and intercultural communication competence. He is a
Cyclone sports fan with an avocation for playing basketball
at least three times a week (despite an aging hook shot). An
unaccomplished piano and guitar player, he loves compos-
ing and writing songs and vows to someday complete the
musical he’s been working on for twenty years. Mark and
his wife Peggy have three children: Beth, a graduate of the
University of Iowa and Mount Mercy University; Nicholas,
a graduate of Iowa State University and McCormick
Theological Seminary; and Eric, a graduate of Iowa State
University and Northwest Missouri State University.
Part 1 Interpersonal Communication Foundation

Chapter 1
Introduction to Interpersonal
Communication

“Communication is to a relationship what breathing is to

maintaining life.”
Virginia Satir

Learning Objectives Chapter OutLine

1.1 Compare and contrast definitions of communication, human Interpersonal Communication

communication, and interpersonal communication. Defined

1.2 Explain why it is useful to study interpersonal Interpersonal Communication’s

communication. Importance to Your Life

1.3 Describe the key components of the communication process, including Interpersonal Communica-
communication as action, interaction, and transaction. tion and the Communication
Process
1.4 Discuss five principles of interpersonal communication. Interpersonal Communication
Principles
1.5 Discuss the role of electronically mediated communication in developing Interpersonal Communication
and maintaining interpersonal relationships. and Social Media
1.6 Identify strategies that can improve your communication competence. Interpersonal Communication
Competence
1
2 Chapter 1
other-oriented
To be aware of the thoughts,
needs, experiences, personality,
emotions, motives, desires, culture,
and goals of your communication
partners while still maintaining
your own integrity.
Interpersonal communication is like breathing; it is a requirement for life. And, like
breathing, interpersonal communication is inescapable. Unless you live in isolation,
you communicate interpersonally every day. Listening to your roommate, talking to
a teacher, texting a friend, and talking to your parents or your spouse in person or via
Skype are all examples of interpersonal communication. Like many people, you prob-
ably use a wide range of social media applications to develop, maintain, and redefine
social relationships with others. You may find yourself seamlessly toggling between
e-conversations and “realspace” interactions. Research suggests that online conver-
sations mirror the same kinds of topics and issues that occur during face-to-face (FtF)
interactions.1 You may well be one of a growing number of people who turn to online
dating sites to seek and develop relationships. More than 40 million Americans look
for love online, which is rapidly becoming a primary means of establishing relation-
ships with others.2
Whether on- or offline, it is impossible not to communicate with others.3 Even
before we are born, we respond to movement and sound, and we continue to commu-
nicate until we draw our last breath. Without interpersonal communication, a special
form of human communication that occurs as we manage our relationships, people
suffer and even die. Recluses, hermits, and people isolated in solitary confinement
dream and hallucinate about talking with others face to face.
Human communication is at the core of our existence. Most people spend
between 80 and 90 percent of their waking hours communicating with others.4 Think
of the number of times you communicated with someone today, as you worked, ate,
studied, shopped, or experienced your other daily activities. The younger you are,
the more likely you communicated via text message today. Young adults ages 18 to
24 send an average of 110 text messages a day—20 times more than someone 65 years
old.5 It is through these interactions with others, both on and offline, that we develop
interpersonal relationships.6
Because relationships are so important to our lives, later chapters will focus on the
communication skills and principles that explain and predict how we develop, sus-
tain, and sometimes end relationships. We’ll explore such questions as the following:
• Why do we like some people and not others?
• How can we interpret other people’s unspoken messages with greater accuracy?
• Why do some relationships blossom and others deteriorate?
• How can we better manage disagreements with others?
• How does social media influence making, maintaining, and ending relationships?
As we address essential questions about how you relate to others, we will empha-
size the importance of being other-oriented. Being other-oriented requires awareness
of the thoughts, needs, experiences, personality, emotions, motives, desires, culture,
and goals of your communication partners while still maintaining your own integrity.
Becoming other-oriented is not a single skill, but a collection of skills and principles
that are designed to increase your sensitivity to and understanding of others. In gen-
eral, research has found that we are becoming less empathic and other-oriented.7
This chapter charts the course ahead, addressing key questions about what inter-
personal communication is and why it is important. We will begin by seeing how our
understanding of the interpersonal communication process has evolved. And we will
conclude by examining how we initiate and sustain relationships through interper-
sonal communication.
Interpersonal Communication Defined
1.1 Compare and contrast definitions of communication, human communication,
and interpersonal communication.
To understand interpersonal communication, we must begin by understanding how
it relates to two broader categories: communication in general and human communi-
cation. Scholars have attempted to arrive at a general definition of communication for
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