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Interpersonal Communication, Fifth 5th

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Hinting 71
The Ethics of Evasion 72
Guidelines for Self-Disclosure 72
Is the Other Person Important to You? 72
Is the Risk of Disclosing Reasonable? 73
Is the Self-Disclosure Appropriate? 73
Is the Disclosure Reciprocated? 73
Will the Effect Be Constructive? 74
Summary 74
Multiple-choice Questions 75
Activities 76
Discussion Questions 77
Journal Ideas 77
Chapter 3 Perceiving Others 78
The Perception Process 80
Reality Is Constructed 80
Steps in the Perception Process 80
Influences on Perception 86
Access to Information 86
Physiological Influences 86
Psychological Influences 89
Social Influences 89
Cultural Influences 93
Common Tendencies in Perception
We Make Snap Judgments 96
We Cling to First Impressions 97
We Judge Ourselves More Charitably than
We Do Others 98
We Are Influenced by Our
Expectations 98
We Are Influenced by the Obvious 99
We Assume Others Are Similar
to Us 100
Perceiving Others More Accurately
Perception Checking 101
Building Empathy 102
Summary 106
Multiple-choice Questions 107
Activities 108
Discussion Questions 109
Journal Ideas 109
Contents vii
Chapter 4 Emotions 110
What Are Emotions? 113
Physiological Changes 113
Cognitive Interpretations 114
Outward Expression 115
Influences on Emotional Expression 116
Personality 116
Culture 116
Gender 120
Social Conventions and Roles 120
Social Media 121
Emotional Contagion 121
Expressing Emotions Effectively 122
Recognize Your Feelings 122
Choose the Best Language 123
Share Multiple Feelings 124
Recognize the Difference between
Feeling and Acting 124
Accept Responsibility for Your
Feelings 125
Choose the Best Time and Place to
Express Your Feelings 125
Managing Emotions 125
Facilitative and Debilitative
Emotions 126
96 Thoughts as a Cause of Feelings 126
Irrational Thinking and Debilitative
Emotions 128
Minimizing Debilitative Emotions 132
Maximizing Facilitative Emotions 134
Summary 136
Multiple-choice Questions 137
Activities 138
Discussion Questions 139
Journal Ideas 139
100
PART 2 | CREATING AND
RESPONDING TO MESSAGES
Chapter 5 Listening 142
The Nature of Listening 144
The Importance of Listening 144
Listening Defined 145
Listening Styles 147
viii Contents

The Challenge of Listening 148 Verbal Communication Styles 200

Recognizing Barriers to Listening 148 Code-Switching 200
Avoiding Poor Listening Habits 149 Gender and Language 201
Components of Listening 150 Extent of Gender Differences 201
Hearing 150 Online Language and Gender 202
Attending 151 Non-Gender Influences on Language
Understanding 151 Use 203
Remembering 154 Summary 204
Responding 155 Multiple-choice Questions 204
Types of Listening Responses 155 Activities 206
Discussion Questions 207
Silent Listening 156
Journal Ideas 207
Questioning 157
Paraphrasing 160
Chapter 7 Non-verbal
Empathizing 163
Communication 208
Supporting 164
Analyzing 165 Non-verbal Communication Defined 210
Evaluating 166 Characteristics of Non-verbal
Advising 166 Communication 211
Which Style to Use? 167 Non-verbal Communication Is Always
Summary 169 Occurring 211
Multiple-choice Questions 170 Non-verbal Communication Is Primarily
Activities 171 Relational 212
Discussion Questions 172 Non-verbal Communication Is
Journal Ideas 172 Ambiguous 212
Non-verbal Communication Occurs in
Chapter 6 Language 174 Mediated Messages 213
Non-verbal Communication Is Influenced
The Nature of Language 176
by Culture and Gender 215
Language Is Symbolic 176
Language Is Governed by Rules 176 Functions of Non-verbal Communication 218
Language Is Subjective 178 Creating and Maintaining
Language and Worldview 179 Relationships 218
Regulating Interaction 219
The Influence of Language 180
Influencing Others 219
Naming and Identity 180 Influencing Ourselves 220
Credibility and Status 183 Concealing/Deceiving 221
Affiliation 184
Power and Politeness 185 Types of Non-verbal Communication 222
Sexism 187 Body Movement 222
Sexual Orientation 188 Touch 224
Racism 189 Voice 225
Uses (and Abuses) of Language 190 Distance 227
Precision and Vagueness 190 Territoriality 229
The Language of Responsibility 195 Time 230
Physical Attractiveness 231
Culture and Language 198 Clothing 231
High- versus Low-context Cultures 198 Physical Environment 232

Summary 234
Multiple-choice Questions 235
Activities 236
Discussion Questions 237
Journal Ideas 238
PART 3 | DIMENSIONS OF
INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Chapter 8 Dynamics of Interpersonal
Relationships 240
Why We Form Relationships 242
Appearance 242
Similarity 243
Complementarity 244
Rewards 245
Competence 246
Proximity 247
Disclosure 247
Intimacy and Distance in Relationships
Forms of Intimacy 248
Forms of Distance 249
The Influence of Culture and Gender on
Intimacy 250
Models of Relational Dynamics 253
Stages of Relational Development 253
Dialectical Tensions in Relationships 259
Characteristics of Relational
Development 262
Communicating about Relationships 263
Content and Relational Messages 263
Maintaining and Supporting
Relationships 265
Repairing Damaged Relationships 268
Summary 270
Multiple-choice Questions 270
Activities 272
Discussion Questions 272
Journal Ideas 273
Chapter 9 Communication Climate
What Is Communication Climate? 276
How Communication Climates Develop 276
Levels of Message Confirmation 277
Contents ix
Causes and Effects of
Defensiveness 282
Climate Patterns 283
Creating Supportive Climates 283
Evaluation versus Description 285
Controlling Communication versus
Problem Orientation 287
Strategy versus Spontaneity 287
Neutrality versus Empathy 289
Superiority versus Equality 289
Certainty versus Provisionalism 291
Invitational Communication 292
The Language of Choice 293
Responding Non-defensively to
Criticism 294
Summary 299
Multiple-choice Questions 300
Activities 301
248 Discussion Questions 302
Journal Ideas 302
Chapter 10 Managing Conflict 304
What Is Conflict? 306
Expressed Struggle 307
Interdependence 307
Perceived Incompatible Goals 307
Perceived Scarce Resources 307
Inevitability 307
Conflict Styles 308
Avoidance (Lose–Lose) 309
Accommodation (Lose–Win) 310
Competition (Win–Lose) 311
Compromise 312
Collaboration (Win–Win) 313
Which Style to Use? 314
Conflict in Relational Systems 316
Complementary and Symmetrical
Conflict 316
Serial Arguments 317
Toxic Conflict: “The Four Horsemen” 318
274
Conflict Rituals 319
Variables in Conflict Styles 321
Gender 321
Culture 322
x Contents

Conflict Management in Practice 324 Discussion Questions 363

Steps for the Win–Win Approach 325 Journal Ideas 363

Summary 330 Chapter 12 Work, Group, and Team

Multiple-choice Questions 331 Communication 364
Activities 332
Communicating in Organizations 366
Discussion Questions 333
Journal Ideas 334 Formal Communication 366
Informal Communication 367
Relationships in Work Groups and
PART 4 | CONTEXTS OF
Teams 369
INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
Characteristics of Groups and
Chapter 11 Communication in Close Teams 369
Relationships: Friends, Family, and Personal Skills in Work Groups and
Romantic Partners 336 Teams 370
Communication in Friendships 338 Group Cultures 373
Face-to-Face and Mediated
Types of Friendships 338
Friendships, Gender, and Relationships 374
Communication 339 Leadership, Power, and Influence in Working
Friendship and Social Media 342 Groups 375
Communication in Successful Types of Leadership 376
Friendships 342 Types of Power 376
Communication in the Family 345 Leadership that Supports Diversity and
Inclusion 379
Creating the Family through
Communication 345 Advancing Your Career 381
Patterns of Family Communication 347 Networking 381
Interviewing 382
Families as Communication
Systems 348 Summary 388
Effective Communication in Families 350 Multiple-choice Questions 389
Activities 390
Communication in Romantic
Discussion Questions 391
Relationships 355
Journal Ideas 392
Characteristics of Romantic
Relationships 355
Effective Communication in Romantic
Relationships 358 Glossary 393
References 400
Summary 360 Name index 455
Multiple-choice Questions 361 Subject Index 457
Activities 362
Publisher’s Preface
The fifth edition of Interplay builds on the successful approach used in the previous Can-
adian editions that have served instructors and students well. It gives first-time students
a useful, compelling, and accurate introduction to the academic study of interpersonal
communication. Readers of Interplay come away with a new appreciation of how scholar-
ship about communication in interpersonal relationships can make a difference in their
everyday lives. To that end, this fifth edition presents new and expanded coverage of key
concepts while retaining the trusted qualities and features of the previous editions.

Key Features
• An accessible writing style based on the belief that even complicated ideas can be pre-
sented in a straightforward way.
• A commitment to showing how scholarship offers insights about the process of inter-
personal communication.
• Thought-provoking photos and cartoons that thoughtfully and compellingly illustrate
the text’s insights.

Increased Coverage of Contemporary

Issues Impacting Day-to-Day Life
• To help students better understand the issues and contexts they will face in their every-
day lives, this edition features expanded content on communication and the self, tech-
nology, culture, and work throughout. Some new
topics include:
42 PART ONE: Foundations of Interpersonal Communication

SELF-ASSESSMENT
HOW MUCH COMPASSION DO YOU SHOW 7. When something upsets me, I try to keep my
YOURSELF? emotions in balance.
8. When I fail at something that’s important to me,
Please read each statement carefully before
I tend to feel alone in my failure.
answering. To the left of each item, indicate how
9. When I’m feeling down I tend to obsess and fix-
often you behave in the stated manner, using the fol-
ate on everything that’s wrong.
lowing scale:
10. When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to
Almost Never Almost Always remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are
1 2 3 4 5 shared by most people.
1. When I fail at something important to me, I 11. I’m disapproving and judgmental about my own
become consumed by feelings of inadequacy. flaws and inadequacies.

Communication and the Self 2. I try to be understanding and patient towards 12. I’m intolerant and impatient towards those
those aspects of my personality I don’t like. aspects of my personality I don’t like.
3. When something painful happens, I try to take a Lower scores on items 1, 4, 8, 9, 11, and 12 and
balanced view of the situation. higher scores on the remaining items (2, 3, 5, 6, 7,

• Chapter 2 – Self-compassion
4. When I’m feeling down, I tend to feel like most and 10) indicate greater self-compassion.
other people are probably happier than I am.
SOURCE: Raes, F., Pommier, E., Neff, K.D., and Van
5. I try to see my failings as part of the human con-
Gucht, D. (2011). Construct and factorial validation
dition.

• Chapter 4 – Change your Self-Talk

of a short form of the self-compassion scale. Clinical
6. When I’m going through a very hard time, I give
Psychology and Psychotherapy, 18, 250–5.
myself the caring and tenderness I need.

• Chapter 4 – Combining Daily Mindfulness FOCUS ON RESEARCH

with Reappraisal SELF-CONTROL, SELF-COMPASSION, SOCIAL TEMPTATIONS, AND PROCRASTINATION
Most of us have been distracted or put something off
that we know we should be doing—maybe even read-
ing this chapter! Procrastination is the voluntary delay
of important, necessary, and intended action despite
knowing there will be negative consequences for this
delay (Sirois and Pychyl, 2013). Many colleges and uni-
versities have student success programs that focus on
improving our time management skills, but research
suggests a different approach will probably work better.
Procrastination researcher Tim Pychyl and his col-
leagues have identified many of the challenges that
make us vulnerable to putting things off and suffering
for it (Pychyl and Sirois, 2016; Sirois and Giguire,
2018). They know we delay boring or difficult tasks
that have long-term payoffs and are not much fun for
more pleasant activities that are immediately reward-
ing, less because we failed to manage our time effect-
ively than because we didn’t feel like doing the boring
or difficult thing. Socializing with others is something
that it is immediately rewarding for most people and
is very tempting when we’re working on a difficult,
boring, or frustrating task. We want to feel better so
we ditch the schoolwork and engage in social activ-
ities to improve our negative mood. We “give in to feel
good” (Pychyl and Sirois, 2016; Sirois and Giguire,
2018). The irony is we then feel bad about procrastin-
ating! Rather than thinking about procrastination as a
time management problem, we’re better off thinking
about it as a challenge in regulating our emotions and
coping. It’s more correctly conceptualized as a test of
our self-control and our self-compassion. So, how do
we say “no” to the immediate gratification of socializ-
ing either in person or online when those temptations
are available 24/7?
Research suggests we can learn to tolerate and
modify the negative emotions we experience during

adl33478_ch02_038-077.indd 42 01/25/20 02:44 PM

xii Publisher’s Preface

7 | Non-verbal Communication 213

could be a compliment or a criticism, and the

vague statement, “I’m almost done” could mean
you have to wait a few minutes or an hour.) Most
non-verbal behaviour has the potential to be even
more ambiguous than verbal statements like these.
To understand why, consider how you would inter-
pret silence from your companion during an even-
ing together. Think of all the possible meanings of
this non-verbal behaviour—affection, anger, pre-
occupation, boredom, nervousness, thoughtful-

Technology ness—the possibilities are many.

The ambiguity of non-verbal behaviour was
illustrated when a supermarket chain tried to
emphasize its customer-friendly approach by

• Chapter 4 – Social Media and Emotional Contagion

instructing employees to smile and make eye con-
tact with customers. Some customers mistook the
service-with-a-smile approach as sexual come-ons.

• Chapter 6 – Online Language and Gender

As this story suggests, non-verbal cues are much
more ambiguous than verbal statements when it
comes to expressing willingness to become phys-

• Chapter 7 – Emojis, Mediated Messages,

ically involved (La France, 2010).

Chris Wildt/Cartoonstock
Because non-verbal behaviour is so ambigu-
ous, caution is wise when you’re responding to
non-verbal cues. Rather than jumping to con-

and Nonverbal Communication clusions about the meaning of a sigh, smile,

slammed door, or yawn, it’s far better to use the
kind of perception-checking approach described
in Chapter 3. “When you yawned, I got the idea I
might be boring you. But maybe you’re just tired. described in Chapter 4, can help communicate
What’s going on?” The ability to consider more emotion and clarify a meaning that isn’t evident
than one possible interpretation for non-verbal from words alone (Derks et al., 2008; Lo, 2008;
behaviour illustrates the kind of cognitive com- Riordan, 2017; Riordan and Kreuz, 2010). For
plexity that we identified in Chapter 1 as an ele- example, see how each graphic below creates a dif-
ment of communication competence. Popular ferent meaning for the same statement:
advice on the subject notwithstanding, it’s usually
not possible to read a person like a book. • You’re driving me crazy
• You’re driving me crazy
Non-verbal Communication Occurs
• You’re driving me crazy
in Mediated Messages
Not all mediated communication is solely verbal. Yet the meaning of emoji can be ambiguous
Video calls/chat obviously provide non-verbal (Skovholt et al., 2014). A smiley face could have
information, as do photos on social networking a number of meanings, such as “I’m happy,” “I’m
apps and messaging platforms. Even text-based kidding,” or “I’m teasing you.” Other online com-
1 | Interpersonal Process 25
digital communication has non-verbal features. munication markers are also ambiguous (Vander-
The most obvious way to represent non-verbal griff, 2013). Exclamation marks (sometimes more
HIGH Parent and child Husband and wife from different
expressions in type is with emoji. Emoji, as we than one!!!) can be used at the end of sentences
discuss their changing cultural backgrounds develop
relationship. mutual understanding.
INTERPERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE

Over time, able-bodied and adl33478_ch07_208-238.indd 213 01/25/20 02:51 PM

disabled fellow employees
develop ways to work
effectively together.

English-speaking caller Traveller unintentionally

requests directory assistance violates customs of a culture

Culture
from English-speaking that he or she doesn’t understand.
telephone operator.

LOW INTERCULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE HIGH

FIGURE 1.2 Possible Interactions among Interpersonal and Intercultural Dimensions of Person-to-Person
Communication
far less difficult than that for the international trav-
eller. In between these extremes falls a whole range
of encounters in which culture plays varying roles.
What is the relationship between intercultural
communication and interpersonal relationships?
• Chapter 1 – Individuals’ and Collectivists’
business people from different backgrounds try to
wrap up a deal; Canadian-born and immigrant
Cultural Values
• Chapter 2 – Ableism and “Person First” Language
children learn to get along in school; health care
educators seek effective ways to serve patients from
around the world; neighbours from different racial

• Chapter 6 – Code Switching in Canada

William Gudykunst and Young Kim (2003) sum-
marize an approach that helps answer this question.
They suggest that interpersonal and intercultural
factors combine to form a two-by-two matrix in
which the importance of interpersonal communi-
TAKE TWO
cation forms one dimension and intercultural
significance forms the other (see Figure 1.2). This CONCEPTS IN INTERCULTURAL
model shows that some interpersonal transactions COMMUNICATION
(for example, a conversation between two siblings • Culture: the language, values, beliefs, trad-
who have been raised in the same household) have itions, and customs people share and learn.
virtually no intercultural elements. Other encoun- • In-groups: groups of people with whom we identify.
ters (such as a traveller from Senegal trying to get • Out-groups: groups of people whom we view as
different.
directions from an Iranian-Canadian taxi driver
• Co-culture: a subgroup that is part of an encom-
in Vancouver) are almost exclusively intercultural,
passing culture.
without the personal dimensions that we discuss • Intercultural communication: the process
throughout this book. by which members of two or more cultures
Still other exchanges—the most interesting ones exchange messages in a manner that is influ-
for our purposes—contain elements of both inter- enced by their different cultural perceptions and
cultural and interpersonal communication. This symbol systems. 11 | Communication in Close Relationships: Friends, Family, and Romantic Partners 343
range of encounters is broad in the global village:

FOCUS ON RESEARCH

adl33478_ch01_001-037.indd 25 01/25/20 02:42 PM SOCIAL MEDIA AND RELATIONSHIPS WITH CO-WORKERS

Search the phrase “social media and co-workers” and
you’ll find a host of articles about the pros and cons
of friending and following workmates online. This kind
of sharing involves both risks and rewards. On the
positive side, social media can help create bonds by
allowing colleagues to learn about each other’s lives
away from the job. It can help colleagues get to know
each other on a deeper level, which can positively
influence their productivity (Goodman, 2014).
Along with these benefits, however, online sharing
inner circle of friends might increase the likeability
of that individual; similarly, when one is kept out of
that circle they might feel rejected and their liking
of the co-worker might actually decrease. Additional
research has revealed that we are more likely to want
to integrate our co-workers into our inner social media
circles when we perceive them to be trustworthy and
sociable (van Prooijen et al., 2018).
As you know, our perceptions of others are not
always accurate (see Chapter 3) and filters do not
ensure privacy; people who have less restricted

Work
with co-workers has its risks. Some experts believe
the risks are so great that they categorically rec-
ommend against friending colleagues (Wu, 2017).
Others suggest proceeding with caution (Penning,
2016; Whittenberry, 2016). And while you might think
access to your posts can always share them with a
broader audience. We’ve suggested throughout this
book that it’s important to keep your online audience
in mind when you’re choosing what to share on social

• Chapter 5 – Multicommunicating at Work

that using filters to manage what content certain media. Although it may feel private and fleeting, it’s
audiences (family and friends versus professional not. Before you hit “post,” imagine how your manager,
colleagues) can see is a cautious strategy, recent your most reserved co-worker, and your grandmother

• Chapter 11 – Social Media and Relationships with

research suggests it might not achieve the results or another older relative would react if they saw your
you want. Anika Batenburg and Jos Bartels (2017) post. Self-monitoring is your friend. Although this sug-
found that integrating work and personal contacts on gestion seems obvious, everyone is aware of people
social media platforms produced higher levels of like- whose social media posts have cost them their jobs.

Co-workers ability among colleagues than a “segmenting” strat-

egy, which involved restricting or filtering professional
contacts’ access to personal information. These
Critical thinking: What’s your preference in terms of
including co-workers in your social media? What are

• Chapter 12 – Leadership that Supports Diversity and

investigators suggest that because liking is related the benefits of your approach? What are the potential
to self-disclosure, being included in a colleague’s costs?

Inclusion Share Joys and Sorrows Share Laughs and Memories

When you have bad news, you want to tell friends
who will offer you comfort and support (Vallade
et al., 2016). When a friend has good news, you
want to hear about it and celebrate. When sharing
sorrows and joys with friends, it’s often important
how quickly and in what order the news is deliv-
ered. The closer the friendship, the higher the
expectation is that you’ll share such things soon
after they happen. If a friend asks, “How come I’m
the last to find out about your new job?” you may
have committed an expectancy violation.
A hallmark of a healthy relationship is shared
laughter (Kurtz and Algoe, 2017). One study found
that close friends have a distinctive laugh, and that
people across cultures can pinpoint in seconds
how intimate friends are by listening to them chor-
tle together (Bryant et al., 2016). Another study
found that friends regularly prod and deepen each
other’s memory banks—so much so that “sharing
a brain” is an accurate description for the bond
between very close friends (Iannone et al., 2016). If
you get together with long-time pals and laugh as

adl33478_ch11_335-363.indd 343 01/25/20 02:57 PM


Engaging Pedagogy
This edition of Interplay builds on the pedagogical approach that has successfully
helped students appreciate how scholarship leads to a better understanding of
communication in the “real world.”
Known Not known
to self to self
Known 1 2
to others OPEN
Not known
to others
3
HIDDEN
UNKNOWN
FIGURE 2.3 Johari Window
Source: From Group process: An introduction to group dynamics. Copyright © 1963,
1970 by Joseph Luft. Used with the permission of Mayfield Publishing Company.
Part 1 represents the information that both
you and the other person already have. This part
is your open area. Part 2 represents the blind area:
information of which you are unaware, but that
the other person knows. You learn about infor-
mation in the blind area primarily through feed-
back from others. Part 3 of the Johari Window
represents your hidden area: information that
you know, but are not willing to reveal to others.
Items in this hidden area become public primarily
through self-disclosure. Part 4 of the Johari Win-
dow represents information that is unknown to
both you and to others. At first, the unknown area
seems impossible to verify. After all, if neither you
nor others know what it contains, how can you be
sure it exists at all? We can deduce its existence
because we are constantly discovering new things
about ourselves. For example, it is not unusual
to discover that you have an unrecognized tal-
ent, strength, or weakness. Items move from the
unknown area into the open area when you share
your insight, or into the hidden area when you
keep it secret.
The relative size of each area in our personal
Johari Window changes from time to time according
to our moods, the subject we’re discussing, and our
relationship with the other person. Despite these
changes, a single Johari Window could represent
most people’s overall style of disclosure.
adl33478_ch02_038-077.indd 65
• “Take Two” boxes recap core
concepts and terms to ensure students
understand their meaning and draw
linkages between them.
2 | Communication and the Self
CHECK IT!
Describe the four quadrants of the Johari Window
and the relationship of each to receptivity to feed-
BLIND back.
4
Benefits and Risks
of Self-Disclosure
By now, it should be clear that neither all-out dis-
closure nor complete privacy is desirable. On the
one hand, self-disclosure is a key factor in rela-
tionship development, and relationships suffer
when people keep important information from
each other (Porter and Chambless, 2014). On the
other hand, revealing deeply personal information
can threaten the stability, or even the survival, of a
relationship. Communication researchers use the
term privacy management to describe the choices
people make to reveal or conceal information about
themselves (Hammonds, 2015; Petronio, 2013). In
the following pages, we will outline both the risks
and benefits of opening yourself to others.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure
Although the amount of self-disclosure varies from
one person and relationship to another, all of us
share important information about ourselves at one
time or another. There are a variety of reasons we
disclose personal information (Duprez et al., 2015).
Catharsis Sometimes, you might disclose infor-
mation in an effort to “get it off your chest.” Cath-
arsis can indeed relieve the burden of pent-up
emotions (Pennebaker, 1997), whether face-to-face
or online (Vermeulen et al., 2018), but when it is
the only goal of disclosure, the results of opening
up may not be positive. Later in this chapter, we’ll
discuss guidelines for self-disclosure that improve
your chance of achieving catharsis in a way that
helps, instead of harms, relationships.
Self-Clarification It’s often possible to clarify your
beliefs, opinions, thoughts, attitudes, and feelings by
01/25/20 02:44 PM
• “Reflection” sidebars offer first-person
accounts of how principles covered in
the text apply to real life.
168 PART TWO: Creating and Responding to Messages
TAKE TWO
TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES
• Silent listening: staying attentive and non-
verbally responsive, without saying anything.
• Questioning: asking the speaker for additional
information.
• Open questions allow for a variety of
extended responses.
• Closed questions only allow a limited range
of answers.
• Sincere questions are aimed at understand-
ing others.
• Counterfeit questions are disguised attempts
to send a message, not receive one.
• Paraphrasing: restating, in your own words, the
message you thought the speaker sent.
• Empathizing: showing that you identify with a
speaker.
• Supporting: revealing your solidarity with the
speaker’s situation.
• Analyzing: offering an interpretation of a speak-
er’s message.
• Evaluating: appraising the speaker’s thoughts or
behaviour in some way.
• Advising: providing the speaker with your opin-
ion about what she should do.
BUILDING WORK SKILLS
WHICH LISTENING STYLE IS BEST?
Explore the various types of listening responses by completing the following steps:
65
1. Join with two partners to form a trio. Designate members as persons A, B, and C.
2. Person A begins by sharing an actual, current work- or school-related problem with B. The problem need
not be a major life crisis, but it should be a real one. Person B should respond in whatever way seems
most helpful. Person C’s job is to categorize each of B’s responses as either: silent listening, questioning,
paraphrasing, empathizing, supporting, analyzing, evaluating, or advising.
3. After a four- to five-minute discussion, C should summarize B’s response styles. Person A then describes
which of the styles were most helpful and which were not helpful.
4. Repeat the same process twice, switching roles so that each person has been in all of the positions.
5. Based on your findings, your threesome should draw conclusions about what combination of response
styles can be most helpful.
adl33478_ch05_141-173.indd 168
• “Check It!” questions give students a
great tool for study and review.
184 PART TWO: Creating and Responding to Messages
The remarkable thing was that Fox was a com-
plete fraud! He was a professional actor who had
been coached by researchers to deliver a lecture
of double-talk—a patchwork of information from
a Scientific American article mixed with jokes,
non-sequiturs, contradictory statements, and
meaningless references to unrelated topics. When
wrapped in a linguistic package of high-level,
sophisticated professional jargon, and delivered by
an engaging, humorous, and well-spoken person,
the meaningless gobbledygook was judged favour-
ably. In other words, Fox’s credibility came more
from his vocabulary and style of speaking than
from the ideas he expressed.
REFLECTION
ACCENTS AND SELF-FULFILLING
PROPHECIES
My mother-in-law came to Canada from Italy with
her husband and children about 50 years ago.
The family settled in an Italian-Canadian commun-
ity and she was able to continue to speak Italian
in order to manage the household and raise her
family. Her husband and kids all learned to speak
English but she did not. As the only non-Italian-
speaking in-law in this big, warm, tightknit family,
this posed some communication challenges. I
quickly figured out her receptive English vocabu-
lary was very good and when it was just the two of
us, she would speak a bit of English and I would
muddle along with my rudimentary Italian and we
could understand each other. I noticed she never
spoke English in front of her husband and chil-
dren. I was puzzled. I pushed my husband to tell
me why this was and discovered that in her early
days in Canada, she tried speaking English and
her young and much more fluent children teased
her about her pronunciation. She immediately lost
confidence and quit trying—believing that she
could never be as fluent as her children. I was
shocked that good-natured teasing could have
such a negative impact on a person’s beliefs
about themselves and I resolved to never make
fun of people’s accents or pronunciations.
adl33478_ch06_174-207.indd 184
Publisher’s Preface xiii
These skills comprise what pioneering therapist
Carl Rogers (2003) calls active listening (see
Weger et al., 2014). Rogers maintains that help-
ful interpersonal listening begins with reflective,
non-directive responses. Once you have gathered
the facts and demonstrated your interest and
concern, it’s likely that the speaker will be more
receptive to (and perhaps even ask for) your ana-
lyzing, evaluating, and advising responses (Mac-
George et al., 2017).
You can improve the odds of choosing the best
style in each situation by considering three factors.
1. Think about the situation, and match
your response to the nature of the prob-
lem. People sometimes need your advice.
In other cases, your encouragement and
support will be most helpful, and in still
other cases, your analysis or judgment may
be truly useful. And, as you have seen, there
are times when your questioning and para-
phrasing can help others find their own
answer.
2. Besides considering the situation, you also
should think about the other person when
deciding which approach to use. It’s import-
ant to be sure that the other person is open to
receiving any kind of help. Furthermore, you
01/25/20 02:48 PM
Affiliation
Accent and vocabulary are not the only ways in
which language reflects the status of relationships.
An impressive body of research has shown how
language can build and demonstrate solidarity
with others. Communicators adapt their speech
in a variety of ways to indicate affiliation and
accommodation, including through their choice of
vocabulary, rate of talking, number and placement
of pauses, and level of politeness (Giles, 2016). In
one study, the likelihood of mutual romantic inter-
est increased when conversation partners’ use of
pronouns, articles, conjunctions, prepositions,
and negations matched (Ireland et al., 2011). The
same study revealed that when couples use simi-
lar language styles while instant messaging, the
chances of their relationship continuing increased
by almost 50 per cent.
Close friends and lovers often develop a set of
special terms that serve as a way of signifying their
relationship (Dunleavy and Booth-Butterfield,
2009). Using the same vocabulary serves to set these
people apart from others. The same process works
among members of larger groups, ranging from
online communities to street gangs and military
units. Convergence is the process of adapting one’s
speech style to match that of others with whom the
communicator wants to identify (Dragojevic et al.,
2016). Language matching creates bonds not only
between friends but also between strangers online
(Rains, 2016; Riordan et al., 2013).
When two or more people feel equally positive
about one another, their linguistic convergence
will be mutual. But when one communicator wants
or needs approval, convergence is more one-sided
(Muir et al., 216). We see this process when employ-
ees seeking advancement start speaking more like
their superiors. One study even showed that adopt-
ing the swearing patterns of bosses and co-workers
in emails is a sign that an employee is fitting into
an organization’s culture (Lublin, 2017).
The principle of speech accommodation works
in reverse too. Communicators who want to set
themselves apart from others adopt the strategy of
divergence, that is, speaking in a way that empha-
sizes their differences (Gasiorek and Vincze, 2016).
01/25/20 02:49 PM
xiv Publisher’s Preface
Gorodenkoff/Shutterstock
• “Self-Assessment” quizzes allow readers
How often do you hear biases like sexist language, sexually prejudiced lan-
guage, and racist language in the language of people around you? How often
do you use them yourself?
to analyze their current communication SELF-ASSESSMENT
behaviour and its consequences. SEXIST LANGUAGE
Section I
For each of the following statements, rate your agree-
ment or disagreement on a scale ranging from 1 to 5,
where 1 = “strongly disagree” and 5 = “strongly agree.”
1. Women who think that being called a chair-
man is sexist are misinterpreting the word.
2. Worrying about sexist language is a trivial
activity.
3. If the original meaning of he was “person,”
we should continue to use he to refer to
both males and females today.
4. The elimination of sexist language is an
important goal.
5. Sexist language is related to the sexist
treatment of people in society.
6. When teachers talk about the history of
Canada, they should change expressions
such as our forefathers to expressions that
include women.
234 PART TWO: Creating and Responding to Messages 7. Teachers who require students to use
non-sexist language are unfairly forcing
their political views on their students.
Section II
BUILDING WORK SKILLS For each of the following statements, rate your willing-
ness on a scale ranging from 1 to 5, where 1 = “very
unwilling” and 5 = “very willing.”
CULTURAL VALUES AT WORK
An important beginning strategy to communicate more effectively at work is being aware of your workplace
values and behaviour, and how they’re influenced by your culture.
Take a moment to assess your workplace or your school environment in terms of some of the types of
non-verbal communication discussed in this chapter. Pay particular attention to touch, proxemics and territor-
iality, time, clothing, and physical environment. Describe your workplace in terms of these elements, and then adl33478_ch06_174-207.indd 189
identify the values communicated. Here are some questions to get your started:
• Who initiates touch? Who touches whom?
• Who gets the most territory? Who gets the least? Who gets the window?
• Do some people prefer greater or less social distance? Who? How do you know?
• How important is punctuality? Can some people keep others waiting with impunity?
• What do people wear? Are there differences?
• Is the physical environment clean? Are some places cleaner than others? Is the space well designed for
the work to be done? Are some places better than others?
report feeling closer to one another, having better in which you live, study, and work. Your physical
• “Building Work Skills” exercises help students
apply knowledge they have gained about
functioning relationships, and having higher levels environment—real or virtual—can affect your
of commitment (Arriaga et al., 2008). interpersonal communication.
Environmental influences can even shape per-
interpersonal communication to situations they
ceptions and communication in virtual space. For
example, people who meet online in a formal vir-
tual setting, such as a library, communicate more CHECK IT!
formally than those who meet in a casual virtual
cafe (Pena and Blackburn, 2013).
You might want to keep these concepts in mind
when you’re designing or decorating the spaces
List the 10 types of non-verbal communication
and provide an example of each. will likely encounter in the workplace.
SUMMARY
Non-verbal communication consists of messages non-verbally are usually more ambiguous than ver-
expressed by non-linguistic means. It is pervasive; bal communication. Contrary to what some might
in fact, non-verbal messages are always available think, non-verbal cues also play a role in mediated
as a source of information about others. Often what communication. Non-verbal communication is also
we do conveys more meaning than what we say, affected by culture and gender.
and non-verbal behaviour shapes perception. Most Non-verbal communication serves many func-
non-verbal behaviour conveys messages about tions. It can help create and maintain relation-
relational attitudes and feelings, in contrast to ver- ships. It also serves to regulate interactions,
bal statements, which are better suited to express- influence others and influence yourself. In addition, 284 PART THREE: Dimensions of Interpersonal Relationships
ing ideas. Messages that are communicated non-verbal communication can be used to conceal
FOCUS ON RESEARCH
adl33478_ch07_208-238.indd 234 01/25/20 02:51 PM
BEING SNUBBED BY A PHONE
You and your friends are having a meal and during the
conversation one or more members of the group con-
centrates on their phone for a while rather than con-
tributing to the conversation. Maybe that someone is
you? No big deal, right? How about when it’s just two
people having a conversation? Does it matter more?
Research suggests that spending time on your phone
during a social interaction negatively affects both
conversational and relational quality and although
it’s increasingly common, it contributes negatively to
a communication climate by sending a disconfirming
non-verbal message to the person who is being tem-
• “Focus on Research” profiles highlight
porarily ignored.
Studies conducted in a variety of countries, includ-
ing Canada, have all found that being snubbed by a
smartphone (called “phubbing”) has negative effects
scholarship that students will find interesting on people and relationships (Abeele and Postma-
Nilsenova, 2018; Chotpitayasunondh and Douglas,
2016, 2018; David and Roberts, 2017; Dwyer et al.,
and useful on topics ranging from digital life
2018; Wang et al., 2017). Researchers have found
that as phubbing increases in a social interaction
people experience greater threats to the fundamental
and social anxiety to the connection between
needs (see Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in Chapter
1) and they suggest that phubbing is a form of social
exclusion that threatens people’s needs for belonging,
self-esteem, and meaningful existence (Chotpitayasun-
interpersonal ability and socioeconomic status.
ondh and Douglas, 2018). Similarly, research examin-
ing the effects of phubbing in romantic relationships
has found phubbing to be associated with increases in
conflict over phone use, decreases in relational satis-
faction, and even increases in the risk of depression
(David and Roberts, 2017; Wang et al., 2018).
In fact, just gazing at your phone (not even touch-
ing it) during a social interaction negatively affects
the quality of the interaction. Researchers in the
Netherlands compared the effects of gazing at a
newspaper versus gazing at a phone during a face-to-
face conversation and found that phone gazing had a
unique ability to devalue the quality of the interaction
with the conversational partner (Abeele and Postma-
Nilsenova, 2018). People judged the phone gazing as
significantly more harmful than newspaper gazing. In
adl33478_ch09_274-303.indd 284
6 | Language 189
Racism
Whereas sexist language
usually defines the world as
made up of superior men and
inferior women, and sexually
prejudiced language usually
implies that heterosexuality is
superior to any other sexual
orientation, racist language
reflects a worldview that clas-
sifies members of one racial
group as superior and others
as inferior (Asante, 2002). Not
all language that might have
racist overtones is deliberate.
For example, the connotations
8. When you are referring to a married woman,
how willing are you to use the title “Ms
Smith” rather than “Mrs Smith”?
9. How willing are you to use the word
“server” rather than “waiter” or “waitress”?
10. How willing are you to use the expression
“husband and wife” rather than “man and
wife”?
11. How willing are you to use the term “flight
attendant” instead of “steward” or “stew-
ardess”?
Total = ______.
Add your responses to the 11 statements, mak-
ing sure to reverse-score (i.e., 5 = 1, 4 = 2, 3 = 3,
2 = 4, and 1 = 5) statements 1, 2, and 3. Scores can
range from 11 to 55, and scores that are 38 or higher
reflect a supportive attitude towards non-sexist lan-
guage; and scores between 28 and 37 reflect a neu-
tral attitude. Scholars note that women are typically
less tolerant of sexist language than are men, which
may have an impact on these scores (Douglas and
Sutton, 2014).
SOURCE: This “Self-Assessment” box contains 11 of
the 21 items on the Inventory of Attitudes toward Sex-
ist/Nonsexist Language-General, developed by Parks
and Robertson (2000).
01/25/20 02:49 PM
addition, these researchers found that phone gazing
while listening to a conversational partner disrupted
the connection between the two more than phone
gazing while speaking to the partner. In a similar Can-
adian study, Ryan J. Dwyer and his colleagues (2018)
had people go out to dinner in a restaurant with
family and friends and either have their phone in plain
sight on the table during the meal or have it hidden
away throughout the entire meal. People were ran-
domly assigned to either condition. These research-
ers found that people who had their phones in view
reported feeling distracted and reported enjoying the
time spent with family and friends less than those in
the “phone out of sight” group. These investigators
suggest that even though our phones can connect
us to others all over the world, they might very well
disconnect us from those sitting across the table.
The findings of these studies reveal that both the
person being ignored (the “phubee”) and the person
distracted by their phone (the “phubber”) suffer indi-
vidually when both parties are not fully present during
social interactions. Moreover, their relationship suf-
fers too. So what should we do? If you tend to be
the phubbee, it’s probably best to exercise patience
and compassion. Phubbing is highly correlated with
fear of missing out, lack of self-control, and internet
addiction (Chotpitayasunondh and Douglas, 2016).
The collaborative strategies for conflict resolution
described in Chapter 10 might help you work out a
solution in relationships that are important to you.
Similarly, if you tend to be the phubber, gaining
self-awareness about your potentially disrespectful
behaviour and using problem-solving strategies with
your communication partners might help you balance
your need to be included in your social network with
your need to be fully present with others and connect
with them in meaningful ways.
Critical thinking: Do you think there are times when
phubbing is more or less damaging to relationships?
If so, what factors influence the consequences of
phubbing?
01/25/20 02:54 PM
 Publisher’s Preface xv

Contemporary Design
We have created a design that reflects the vibrancy and excitement of interpersonal
communication today without sacrificing content or authoritativeness.

64 PART ONE: Foundations of Interpersonal Communication 198 PART TWO: Creating and Responding to Messages

TABLE 6.3 Pronoun Uses and Their Effects

My career
Pronoun Pros Cons Recommendations
ambitions Breadth

“I” Language Takes responsibility for Can be perceived as Use descriptive “I” messages in
personal thoughts, feelings, egotistical, narcissistic, conflicts when the other person
and wants. Less defence- and self-absorbed does not perceive a problem.
provoking than “you” Combine “I” with “we” language
Feelings about
my physical language in conversations.
Feelings about
appearance
our relationship
“We” Lan- Signals inclusion, Can speak improperly for Combine with “I” language,
guage immediacy, cohesiveness, others particularly in personal
and commitment conversations.
Depth Use in group settings to enhance
My opinions
My relationships a sense of unity.
about our
with members of Avoid when expressing personal
mutual friends
the opposite sex
thoughts, feelings, and wants.

“You” Lan- Signals other-orientation, Can sound evaluative Use “I” language during
My academic life My family background guage particularly when the topic is and judgmental, confrontations. Use “You”
and problems positive particularly during language when praising or
confrontations including others.

FIGURE 2.2 Sample Model of Social Penetration

beliefs or an analysis of another person), you are
giving others valuable information about yourself.
The fourth level of self-disclosure—and usually
the most revealing one—involves the expression
of feelings. At first glance, feelings might appear
to be the same as opinions, but there’s a big dif-
ference. “I don’t think you’re telling me what’s on
your mind” is an opinion. Notice how much more
we learn about the speaker by looking at three
different feelings that could accompany this state-
ment: “I don’t think you’re telling me what’s on
your mind . . .
. . . and I’m suspicious.”
. . . and I’m angry.”
. . . and I’m hurt.”
Awareness of Self-Disclosure:
The Johari Window Model
Another way to illustrate how self-disclosure oper-
ates in communication is a model called the Johari
Window, developed by Joseph Luft and Harry
Ingham (Janas, 2001; Luft, 1969).
Imagine a frame that contains everything there is
to know about you: your likes and dislikes, your goals,
your secrets, your needs—everything. This frame
could be divided into information you know about
yourself and things you don’t know. It could also be
split into things others know about you and things
they don’t know. Figure 2.3 illustrates these divisions.
TAKE TWO
• Social penetration model: two ways, measured
by breadth and depth, that communication can
be more or less disclosing.
• Breadth: the range of subjects discussed.
• Depth: the personal nature of information (sig-
nificant and private self-disclosures, clichés,
facts, opinions, and feelings).
Too much use of any pronoun comes across as
inappropriate, so combining pronouns is generally
a good idea, and it suggests you’re able to see things
from multiple perspectives (Pennebaker, 2011). If
your “I” language expresses your position without
being overly self-absorbed, your “you” language
shows concern for others without judging them,
and your “we” language includes others without
speaking for them, you’ll probably come as close as
possible to the ideal mix of pronouns.
Culture and Language
So far, we’ve described attributes that character-
ize most languages, with a particular emphasis on
English. Although there are some remarkable sim-
ilarities among the world’s many languages (Lewis
et al., 2013), they also differ in important respects
that affect communication within and between
CHECK IT!
Describe three harmful linguistic habits that
contribute to conflict.
language groups. In this section, we’ll outline some
of those factors.
High- versus Low-context Cultures
Anthropologist Edward Hall (1959) identified two
distinct ways that members of various cultures
deliver messages. A low-context culture uses
language primarily to express thoughts, feelings,
and ideas as directly and logically as possible. To
low-context communicators, the meaning of a
statement lies in the words spoken. By contrast,
a high-context culture relies heavily on subtle,
often non-verbal cues to maintain social har-
mony. High-context communicators pay close
attention to non-verbal behaviours, the history of
relationships, and social rules that govern inter-
action between people. In Table 6.4, we summarize
some key differences in how people from low- and
high-context cultures communicate.
Mainstream culture in Canada, the United
States, and northern Europe can be categorized
near the low-context end of the scale. In these
low-context cultures, communicators generally
value straight talk and grow impatient with indirect
behaviours such as hinting (Tili and Barker, 2015).

adl33478_ch02_038-077.indd 64 01/25/20 02:44 PM adl33478_ch06_174-207.indd 198 01/25/20 02:49 PM

Aids to Student Learning

Textbooks today must speak to the needs and interests of today’s students, providing them
with an accessible introduction to a body of knowledge. To accomplish this, the book
incorporates numerous features to promote and support student learning.

• Chapter Openers preview the contents of each chapter with chapter outlines, key terms,
and learning outcomes that provide a concise overview of the key concepts.

2 Communication and the Self

KEY TERMS
benevolent lie presenting self
breadth privacy management
cognitive conservatism reference groups
collectivistic culture reflected appraisal
depth self-compassion
distorted feedback self-concept
equivocation self-control
face self-disclosure
facework self-esteem
impression management self-fulfilling prophecy
individualistic culture significant other
Johari Window social comparison
obsolete information social expectations
perceived self social penetration model
lechatnoir/iStockphoto

LEARNING OUTCOMES
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO:
• Describe the characteristics and development of the self-concept
CHAPTER OUTLINE Models of Self-Disclosure
Benefits and Risks of Self-Disclosure
• Explain the influence of language, cultural values, and self-fulfilling prophecies in shaping the
self-concept
Communication and the Self-Concept
Alternatives to Self-Disclosure • Analyze how the self-concept affects communication with others
How the Self-Concept Develops
Silence and Secrecy • Describe how people manage impressions in person and online to enhance their presenting image
Self-Concept Development in Context
Lying • Explain the characteristics of and reasons for self-disclosure
Characteristics of the Self-Concept
Equivocation • Explain the risks of, benefits of, guidelines for, and alternatives to self-disclosure
The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy and Communication
Hinting
Presenting the Self: Communication as Impression The Ethics of Evasion
Management
Public and Private Selves
Guidelines for Self-Disclosure
Is the Other Person Important to You?
Characteristics of Impression Management
Is the Risk of Disclosing Reasonable?
Why Manage Impressions?
Is the Self-Disclosure Appropriate?
How Do We Manage Impressions?
Is the Disclosure Reciprocated?
Identity Management and Honesty
Will the Effect Be Constructive?
Disclosing the Self
Self-Disclosure Factors

adl33478_ch02_038-077.indd 38 01/25/20 02:44 PM adl33478_ch02_038-077.indd 39 01/25/20 02:44 PM

xvi Publisher’s Preface
End-of-Chapter Learning Tools
• Chapter Summaries ensure a thorough understanding of key concepts and aid in
reviewing for tests and exams.
• Multiple-Choice Quizzes provide students with a quick assessment tool to ensure com-
prehension of material discussed in the chapter.
270 PART THREE: Dimensions of Interpersonal Relationships
the past—in other words, to remember that you,
too, have wronged others and needed their for-
giveness (Exline et al., 2008). Given that it’s in our
own best interest to be forgiven, we would do well
to remember these words from Richard Walters
SUMMARY
Explanations for why we form relationships with
some people and not with others include appear-
ance (physical attractiveness), similarity, comple-
mentarity, rewards, competence, proximity, and
disclosure. Intimacy and distance are important
parts of our relationships with others and there are
several ways to establish both. Culture and gender
influence intimacy in relationships by informing the
social rules that govern intimate communication.
Also, each culture defines the extent to which any
relationship should be formal and distant or close
and intimate.
Some theorists argue that interpersonal rela-
tionships may go through as many as 10 stages
of growth and deterioration. They suggest that
communication may reflect more than one stage
at a given time, although one stage will be domin-
ant. Another way to analyze the dynamics of inter-
personal communication is in terms of dialectical
tensions, that is, mutually opposing, incompatible
desires that are part of our relationships and that
MULTIPLE-CHOICE QUESTIONS
1. Which of the following statements is true
regarding why we form relationships?
a. We are attracted to people who are similar
to us and dislike those who are different.
b. We are attracted to people who are dif-
ferent than ourselves rather than people
who are similar.
c. We are attracted to people who are simi-
lar to ourselves and we are also attracted
to those whose different characteristics
complement our own.
d. Neither similarities nor differences affect
our motivation to form relationships
adl33478_ch08_239-273.indd 270
• Student Activities reinforce concepts and ideas through practical, interactive exercises.
• Discussion Questions draw out key issues while encouraging readers to form their own
conclusions about interpersonal communication
• Journal Ideas encourage students to think in depth about concepts and strategies dis-
cussed in the chapter and how they relate to their personal goals.
272 PART THREE: Dimensions of Interpersonal Relationships
ACTIVITIES
1. Critical Thinking Probe
Some critics claim that Knapp’s model of relational
stages is better at describing romantic relation-
ships than other types. Use a variety of romantic
and non-romantic interpersonal relationships from
your experience to evaluate the breadth of his
model. If the model does not describe the develop-
mental path of all types of interpersonal relation-
ships, can you suggest alternative models?
2. Invitation to Insight
How do you manage the dialectical tensions in your
important relationships? Is there a pattern to what
you and the other person do, or does it depend on the
type of relationship you have? Identify at least two
dialectical tensions in two different relationships—
one relationship, perhaps, with a person with
whom you work closely, and the other with a roman-
tic partner. How is each tension managed? Which
approach do you and your partner tend to use
(denial, disorientation, alternation, segmentation,
balance, integration, recalibration, or reaffirma-
tion)? What seem to be the conditions that deter-
mine which method you and your partner use?
3. Ethical Challenge
Consider the notion that we often face conflicting
goals when we communicate in an attempt to meet
our own needs and those of others. Use the infor-
mation found on pages 259–62 to identify a situa-
tion in which your personal goals conflict with those
of another person. What obligation do you have to
communicate in a way that helps the other person
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Why do we form relationships with other
people?
2. Describe the four different types of intimacy
presented in this chapter and give an example
of each from your own relationships. Do you
adl33478_ch08_239-273.indd 272
(1984) who sees forgiveness as a choice requir-
ing courage and continuous acts of will: “When
we have been hurt we have two alternatives: be
destroyed by resentment, or forgive. Resentment is
death; forgiving leads to healing and life” (p. 366).
can never be completely resolved. These tensions
include integration–separation, stability–change,
and expression–privacy. Both views characterize
relationships as constantly changing, so that com-
munication is more of a process than a static thing.
Relational messages are sometimes expressed
overtly by verbal metacommunication; however, they
are more frequently conveyed non-verbally. Inter-
personal relationships require maintenance to stay
healthy. Relational maintenance requires partners to
use positive and open communication that includes
assurances and demonstrates commitment to the
relationship. It also entails sharing tasks, investing
in each other’s social networks and offering social
support through the exchange of emotional, informa-
tional and instrumental resources.
Some relationships become damaged over time
and others are hurt through relational transgres-
sions. Apologies and forgiveness are particularly
important strategies for repairing damaged rela-
tionships.
because our relationships are influenced
most by proximity.
2. In Elliot Aronson and colleagues’ study of how
competence and imperfection combine, their
subjects found which of the following quiz
show contestants most attractive?
a. the person with superior ability who did
not spill the coffee
b. the person with average ability who did
not spill the coffee
c. the person with superior ability who
spilled the coffee
01/25/20 02:52 PM
reach their goals? Is it possible to honour this obli-
gation and still try to satisfy your own needs?
4. Skill Builder
Describe three unexpressed relational messages
in one or more of your interpersonal relationships.
a. Explain how you could have used metacommuni-
cation to express each one. Consider skills you
learned in other chapters, such as perception
checking, “I” language, and paraphrasing.
b. Discuss the possible benefits and drawbacks
of this kind of metacommunication in each of
the situations you identified. On the basis of
your discussion here, what principles do you
believe should guide your decisions about
whether and when to focus explicitly on rela-
tional issues?
5. Role Play
Choose a partner. Pretend you don’t know each
other and you want to initiate contact with this
person in class. What strategies might you use?
(Review the strategies listed on pages 253–5.)
Role-play your attempts to initiate contact. Which
strategies worked well? Are there any you would
not try in this context? Now reverse roles and think
of another context or situation in which your part-
ner might want to initiate contact with you (e.g., at
work, at a party). Role-play initiating contact in this
new situation. Afterward, again analyze the strat-
egies that worked, those that didn’t, and the ones
that felt appropriate or inappropriate in this situa-
tion, and discuss why.
think an ideal intimate relationship would
include all four? Why or why not?
3. Do you think Knapp’s model of the stages of
relational development can be adapted to col-
lectivist cultures? Why or why not?
01/25/20 02:52 PM
d. the person with average ability who
spilled the coffee
3. Social exchange theory suggests
a. we seek relationships with people who
are competent in social exchange.
b. we seek relationships with people who
can give us rewards greater than the
costs we encounter dealing with them.
c. we terminate relationships with people
when our social exchanges with them are
stagnant.
d. we terminate relationships with people
who are low on the social exchange index.
4. The hallmark of the “experimenting” stage of
relational development is
a. handshakes and friendly facial expressions.
b. small talk and searching for common ground.
c. engagement and marriage.
d. avoidance and personal space.
5. Sal has reinterpreted Akeno’s unwillingness
to share some information about parts of his
past as an interesting and admirable quality
rather than feeling hurt and excluded by his
privacy. Which of the following strategies has
Sal used to manage this tension in her rela-
tionship with Akeno?
a. denial
b. compartmentalizing
c. accepting
d. reframing
6. The finding that frequent interaction during
the day via cellphone can be a source of con-
flict in relationships is evidence of which of
the following dialectical tensions?
a. integration–separation dialectic
b. stability–change dialectic
c. expression–privacy dialectic
d. dynamic–static dialectic
7. Grace and Zoe enjoy sharing their beliefs
about spirituality, politics, and the meaning
Answers: 1. c; 2. c; 3. b; 4. b; 5. d; 6. a; 7. c; 8. a; 9. c; 10. b
adl33478_ch08_239-273.indd 271
4. Describe the dialectical tensions that exist in
one of your relationships (e.g., with your par-
ents, a friend, or a romantic partner). How do
you manage these tensions in that relation-
ship?
5. Despite its importance, metacommunication
is not a common feature of most relation-
ships. Why do you think this is?
6. Review the strategies for relationship mainten-
ance and repair described on pages 265–70.
Which do you use in your most satisfying
JOURNAL IDEAS
1. You can get a sense of how your desires
for both intimacy and distance operate by
reflecting on a relationship with an import-
ant person you see regularly. For this jour-
nal exercise you might choose a friend,
family member, or romantic partner. For at
least a week, chart how your communica-
tion with this relational partner reflects your
desire for either intimacy or distance. Use
a 7-point scale, in which behaviour seeking
high intimacy receives a 7 and behaviour
designed to avoid physical, intellectual,
and/or emotional contact receives a 1. Use
ratings from 2 to 6 to represent intermedi-
ate stages. Record at least one rating per
day, making more detailed entries if your
desire for intimacy or distance changes
during that period. What tactics did you
use to establish or maintain distance?
After charting your communication, reflect
on what the results tell you about your
personal desire for intimacy and distance.
Consider the following questions:
• Was there a pattern of alternating
phases of intimacy and distance dur-
ing the time you observed?
adl33478_ch08_239-273.indd 273
8 | Dynamics of Interpersonal Relationships 271
of life with each other. They find these discus-
sions interesting and they feel secure know-
ing they can safely share their deeply held
beliefs with each other. Their relationship
involves which type of intimacy?
a. emotional
b. physical
c.
d.
intellectual
shared activities
8. Metacommunication is the term used to
describe
a. messages that refer to other messages
or communication about communication.
b. the aspects of communication that con-
vey how communication partners feel
about one another.
c. communication that helps maintain and
repair relationships.
d. communication that conveys emotional
support.
9. Fabiola helps her friend Gabrielle move to a
new place when her relationship with Alberto
ends. Fabiola is providing Gabrielle with which
type of social support?
a. emotional
b. informational
c. instrumental
d. all of the above
10. Which of the following apologies contains the
components people look for in an apology, in
order of importance?
a. Sorry you found that remark insensitive.
I will avoid that sort of straight talk with
you in the future.
b. I acted selfishly and didn’t consider your
perspective. I will make things right and I
am so sorry for being so thoughtless.
c. Oh, l didn’t realize you would be offended.
So sorry.
d. We obviously had a misunderstanding but
I will make things right. Sorry.
01/25/20 02:52 PM
8 | Dynamics of Interpersonal Relationships 273
relationships? Which, if any do you use in
your least satisfying relationships? Is there a
relationship between the number of mainten-
ance strategies you use and your satisfaction
with your relationships? Why or why not?
7. While forgiveness has tremendous benefits
it can be challenging. Are some transgres-
sions in relationships easier for you to forgive
than others? What factors might contribute
to individual differences in people’s ability to
forgive?
• Was this pattern typical of your com-
munication in this relationship over a
longer period of time?
• Does your communication in other
relationships contain a similar mixture
of intimacy and distance?
• Most importantly, are you satisfied
with the results you discovered in this
exercise?
• If you are not satisfied, how would you
like to change your communication
behaviour?
2. Choose one of the dialectal tensions
described in this chapter and describe
how it operates in one of your close rela-
tionships. Review this journal entry in a
couple of weeks and see if the tension
has changed. If so, how has it changed?
Why do you think it has changed? If no
change has occurred, why do you think it
has remained so stable? Are there environ-
mental factors that influence how these
competing needs affect this relationship?
If so, what are they?
01/25/20 02:52 PM
 Publisher’s Preface xvii

Resources for Instructors and Students

Interplay is part of a comprehensive package of learning and teaching tools that includes
resources for both students and instructors, all available on the book’s Ancillary Resource
Centre, at: www.oup.com/he/Adler-Interplay5Ce

For the Instructor

• An “Instructor’s Manual” includes lecture suggestions, additional questions for
encouraging class discussion, and lists of complementary web and video resources for
each chapter.
• A “Test Bank” offers a comprehensive set of multiple-choice, true-or-false, short-an-
swer, and essay questions for every chapter.
• PowerPoint slides, summarizing key points from each chapter and incorporating fig-
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For the Student

• A “Student Study Guide” offers self-testing study questions, chapter overviews, links to
useful resources, and case study exercises with sample scenarios.
 Preface
It has been a pleasure and a privilege to research and update this latest Canadian edition of Interplay.
Now, perhaps more than at any other time in my life, I believe in the importance of a collective, lifelong
commitment to developing and refining our interpersonal communication knowledge and skills. While
I have long believed effective interpersonal communication skills are the foundation of meaningful per-
sonal relationships, increasingly I see how much they support mutual respect, co-operation, and civility
generally.
Learning more about interpersonal communication is an investment that benefits us both personally
and collectively and I want to thank those of you who read this book for your commitment to this endeav-
our. I also want to express my gratitude to the many people who contributed to this fifth edition for their
involvement. To the reviewers, Michael Lee (University of Winnipeg), Bev Snell (Red River College), and
those who wished to remain anonymous, you gave me excellent advice, identified gaps, and helped me
better understand how you use this textbook; thank you.
To the remarkably talented team at Oxford University Press, Toronto—Phyllis Wilson, Stephen
Kotowych, Liz Ferguson, Emily Kring, Katherine Kawalerczak, and Michelle Welsh—your intelligence,
creativity, and expertise have made this edition even better than the last. I’m particularly grateful to Amy
Hick for her intelligent and careful editing, superb suggestions, and for being such a pleasure to work
with. It has been my tremendous good fortune to work with such an outstanding team.
I would also like to thank my friends and colleagues who never fail to make my life interesting and fun.
In particular, I would like to acknowledge Jonathan Lau for his research support, and Juanita Wattam-­
Simeon for making my working life so enjoyable. Bernice Cipparrone McLeod and Fidelia Torres gave me
valuable feedback and Susan Heximer and Jessica Paterson shared e­ xcellent resources that have made this
edition more inclusive and up-to-date. I would also like to thank Chris Sinclair for helping me make the
many decisions that are part of writing.
Finally, to my family, Gerlando, Owen, and Oliver, no matter what kind of day I have you make it a
better one, and I feel extraordinarily lucky to know and love you.

Connie Winder
George Brown College, Toronto
PART ONE

Foundations of Interpersonal
Communication

Sam Edwards/iStockphoto
 1 Interpersonal Process
Rawpixel/iStockphoto

CHAPTER OUTLINE Interpersonal Communication and Technology

Characteristics of Computer-Mediated Communication
Why We Communicate
Physical Needs Interpersonal Communication and Cultural Diversity
Identity Needs Culture
Social Needs Intercultural Communication
Practical Needs Interpersonal and Intercultural Communication

The Communication Process Comparison of Canadian and US Culture

A Model of Communication Attitudes toward Violence
Insights from the Transactional Communication Model Acceptance of Diversity
Communication Principles Relative Status of Men and Women

The Nature of Interpersonal Communication Communication Competence

Quantitative and Qualitative Definitions Communication Competence Defined and Described
Personal and Impersonal Communication: Characteristics of Competent Communication
A Matter of Balance
Communication Misconceptions
KEY TERMS
asynchronous mediated communication
channel multimodality
co-culture noise (external, physiological, psychological)
cognitive complexity out-groups
communication competence permanence
computer-mediated communication (CMC) prejudice
content dimension qualitative interpersonal communication
culture quantitative interpersonal communication
dyad relational culture
environment relational dimension
ethnocentrism self-monitoring
in-groups social media
intercultural communication stereotyping
interpersonal communication synchronous
media richness transactional communication

LEARNING OUTCOMES
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO:
• Identify examples of the physical, identity, social, and practical needs you attempt to satisfy by
­communicating
• Explain the interpersonal communication process: its transactional nature, governing principles, and
characteristics
• Describe the degrees to which your communication is qualitatively impersonal and interpersonal
• Explain the advantages and drawbacks of various types of computer-mediated communication com-
pared to face-to-face communication
• Define culture and co-culture, and explain the concept of degrees of intercultural communication
• Compare Canadian and American perceptions of violence, diversity, and the relative status of men and
women and explain how these differences affect our interpretation of American interpersonal communi-
cation research findings
• Identify principles of communication competence and characteristics of competent communicators
4 PART ONE: Foundations of Interpersonal Communication
Everyone communicates. Students and professors,
parents and children, employers and employees,
friends, strangers, and enemies—we all communi-
cate. We have been communicating with others
from the moment of our birth and will keep on
doing so until we die.
Why study an activity you’ve been doing your
entire life? You might be surprised just how much
there is to learn about one of our most fundamen-
tal activities. First, you will discover there is no
evidence to support some widely held assumptions
about communication. For example, more com-
munication is not always better, communication
will not solve all problems and effective communi-
cation is not a natural ability. You will also learn
about decades of research evidence confirming
the necessity of interpersonal communication
and meaningful relationships in maintaining our
health, well-being, and longevity. In this sense,
exploring human communication is rather like
studying anatomy or botany—everyday objects
and processes take on new meaning.
A second, more compelling reason for studying
interpersonal communication is that all of us could
learn to communicate more effectively. A survey
by the Business Council of Canada (2018) revealed
that once job candidates had met the threshold
for vocationally specific skills, ­ interpersonal/
© lechatnoir/iStockphoto
Interpersonal communication occurs when people treat one another as
unique individuals, regardless of the context or the number of people
involved. Why should we study something that happens every day?
t­ eamwork/relationship-building skills were ranked
first among the abilities employers were looking
for in both entry-level and mid-level hires. This
same study noted that new graduates were most
likely to lack “human skills,” which include inter-
personal communication and relationship skills.
More than four decades of research have identified
the lack of effective communication as central to
relational breakups, including divorce (Gottman,
2003). In addition, workplace communication
errors contribute to interpersonal conflict, loss of
productivity, and unnecessary waste, and in fields
such as aviation (Tiewtrakul and Fletcher, 2010)
and health care, even loss of life (Carter et al., 2009;
Vilensky and MacDonald, 2011). If you pause now
and make a mental list of communication prob-
lems you’ve encountered, you’ll see that, no mat-
ter how successful your relationships are at home,
with friends, at school, or at work, there is plenty
of room for improvement in your everyday life.
The information that follows will help you improve
the way you communicate with some of the people
who matter most to you.
Why We Communicate
Research demonstrating the importance of ­com-
munication has been around longer than you
might think. Frederick II, e­ mperor
of the Holy Roman E ­ mpire from
1220 to 1250, carried out ­language
deprivation experiments. A medi-
­
eval historian described one of his
dramatic, and inhumane, ­
­ experi-­
ments:
He bade foster mothers and
nurses to suckle the children, to
bathe and wash them, but in no
way to prattle with them, for he
wanted to learn whether they
would speak the Hebrew lan-
guage, which was the oldest, or
Greek, or Latin, or Arabic, or
perhaps the language of their
parents, of whom they had been
born. But he laboured in vain
because all the children died.

For they could not live without the petting and
joyful faces and loving words of their foster
mothers. (Ross and McLaughlin, 1949, p. 366)
Contemporary researchers have found less dras-
tic ways to illustrate the importance of communi-
cation, but have found similarly disturbing effects
of social isolation. During the 1950s as part of an
effort to understand “brainwashing,” Donald Hebb,
a psychologist at McGill University, conducted a
study in which student volunteers were paid to
spend days or weeks by themselves deprived of
stimulation including meaningful human contact.
Most volunteers only lasted a few hours, few lasted
more than two days, and none of them lasted a week
(Bond, 2014). Participants quickly became anxious,
acutely restless, and began to experience hallucin-
ations. Afterwards they suffered from prolonged
anxiety, high levels of emotionality, and had diffi-
culty completing cognitive tasks such as arithmetic
problems. The study was quickly cut short due to the
extreme distress participants experienced.
Accounts from prisoners of war held in soli-
tary confinement attest to the risks human beings
are willing to take to communicate with others.
Prisoners have described the unique torment of
prolonged solitary confinement as more unbear-
able than other tortures and deprivations. They
have described tapping on walls to spell out words
and risking torture and even death for doing so
because the need to communicate is so fundamen-
tal to human survival (McCain, 1999). Researchers
have identified solitary confinement, unlike other
captivity stressors such as physical abuse and dep-
rivation of food, as negatively affecting long-term
cellular aging (Stein et al., 2018). Prisoners have
reported preferring to be brutally interrogated
and physically tortured rather than spend time
in solitary confinement (Bachar and Aherenfeld,
2010). Indeed, courts in Ontario and British Col-
umbia have recognized the devastating psycho-
logical harm caused by solitary confinement, as
has the United Nations (Proctor, 2018). The United
Nations Standard Minimum Rules (the Nelson
Mandela Rules) define solitary as “the confine-
ment of prisoners for 22 hours or more a day with-
out meaningful human contact” (United Nations
1 | Interpersonal Process 5
Office on Drugs and Crime, 2016). The Mandela
Rules include indefinite or prolonged solitary con-
finement in the list of prohibited cruel, inhumane,
or degrading punishments or tortures. Meaning-
ful human contact is a necessity of life and many
would argue a basic human right.
Although it is true that all of us need some
solitude, often more than we get in this always-on
world, each of us has a point beyond which we do
not want to be alone. Beyond this point, solitude
changes from a pleasurable to a painful condition.
In other words, we all need people. We all need to
communicate.
Physical Needs
Communication is so important that its presence or
absence affects physical health. Studies confirm that
people who process a negative experience by talking
about it report improved life satisfaction, as well as
enhanced mental and physical health, compared to
those who only think about it (Lyubomirsky et al.,
2006; Sousa, 2002). A study conducted with police
officers found that being able to talk easily to col-
leagues and supervisors about ­work-related trauma
was connected to better physical and mental health
(Stephens and Long, 2000). Even when we have
not experienced anything particularly stressful or
traumatic, spending time engaged in conversations
with others has benefits. Ten minutes of talking a
day, face to face or on the phone, improves mem-
ory and improves people’s intellectual functioning
(Ybarra et al., 2008).
Without regular, meaningful social contact, we
suffer. Physicians have identified a higher preva-
lence of health problems among people who report
feeling socially isolated. Loneliness in childhood
and adolescence results in poorer sleep, symptoms
of depression, and poorer overall health. In older
adults, loneliness is associated high blood pressure,
cardiovascular disease, cognitive decline, demen-
tia, impaired immunity, and earlier mortality
(Hawkley and Capitanio, 2015; Luo et al., 2012).
Evidence gathered by numerous researchers over
many decades shows that satisfying relationships
can literally be a matter of life and death (e.g., Cohen
et al., 1997; Hall and Havens, 2002; Holt-Lunstad
6 PART ONE: Foundations of Interpersonal Communication
et al., 2015; Maté, 2003; Robles, 2010: Rosenquist
et al., 2011; Yang et al., 2016). For example:
• People who lack strong relationships run a
greater risk of early death than people who are
obese or exposed to air pollution.
• Divorced, separated, and widowed people are
5 to 10 times more likely to need p ­ sychiatric
hospitalization than their happily married
­counterparts.
• People with more supportive social networks
are less susceptible to depression and cognitive
decline.
• Pregnant women under stress and without sup-
portive relationships have three times as many
complications as pregnant women who suffer
from the same stress, but have strong social
support.
• Socially connected people’s wounds heal faster.
• Socially isolated people are four times as sus-
ceptible to the common cold as those who have
active social networks.
Research like this demonstrates the importance
of satisfying personal relationships, and it explains
the conclusion of social scientists that communica-
tion is essential for health. Not everyone needs the
same amount of contact, and the quality of com-
munication is almost certainly as important as the
quantity. Nonetheless, the point remains: personal
communication is essential for our well-being. As
distinguished psychologist John Cacioppo says,
“Social connection is to humans what water is to
fish: you don’t notice it until it’s missing and then
you realize it’s really important” (Bielski, 2018).
Identity Needs
Communication does more than enable us to
survive. It’s the way—indeed, the major way—we
learn who we are (Fogel et al., 2002; Khanna, 2004,
2010). As you’ll read in Chapter 2, our sense of
identity comes from the way we interact with other
people. Do we think of ourselves as clever or fool-
ish, skilful or inept, attractive or ugly? The answers
to these questions don’t come from looking in the
mirror. We decide who we are on the basis of how
others react to us.
Deprived of communication with others, we
would have no sense of identity. This is illustrated
by the famous Wild Boy of Aveyron, who spent
his early childhood without any apparent human
contact. The boy was discovered in January 1800
when he was digging for vegetables in a French vil-
lage garden. He showed no behaviour one would
expect in a social human. He could not speak, but
uttered only weird cries. More significant than this
absence of social skills was his lack of any identity
as a human being. As author Roger Shattuck (1980,
p. 37) put it, “The boy had no human sense of being
in the world. He had no sense of himself as a per-
son related to other persons.” Only through the
influence of a loving “mother” did the boy begin to
behave—and, we can imagine, think of himself—
as a human.
Modern stories support the essential role that
communication plays in shaping identity. In 1970,
the authorities discovered a 12-year-old girl (whom
they called Genie) who had spent virtually all her
life in an otherwise empty, darkened bedroom
with almost no human contact. The child could
not speak and had no sense of herself as a person
until she was removed from her family and “nour-
ished” by a team of caregivers (Rymer, 1993).
Like Genie and the Wild Boy of Aveyron, each
of us enters the world with little or no sense of
identity. We gain an idea of who we are from the
way others define us. As we explain in Chapter 2,
the messages children receive in their early years
are the strongest identity shapers, but the influence
of others continues throughout our lives.
Social Needs
Some social scientists have argued that besides
helping define who we are, communication is
the principal way relationships are created (Duck
and Pittman, 1994; Hubbard, 2001). For example,
Julie Yingling (1994) asserts that children “talk
friendships into existence.” Canadian teenagers
value friendships the most, ahead of a comfort-
able life, recognition, and excitement (Bibby, 2001),
and they spend a great deal of time developing
and maintaining these relationships through
communication. As we discuss in Chapter 8,
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