Satire NEED TO GET INTO COLLEGE?

Honors Here’s your (toxic) step-by-step guide

philip rotondo editor-in-chief
Activities 1. Prioritize breadth over depth
Are you a STEM or a humanities person? I’ve got news for you. That isn’t good enough. Make sure
you’re both, and you’re also taking an AP-level language class. And participating in an extracurricular
Schools that relates to your expected major. Don’t know your expected major? What are you, 17?

2. Pick a major
Writing When you’re filling out your applications, it’s important you know exactly what degrees and career
you’re going to pursue the moment you graduate from McLean. Ideally, you should already have
demonstrated proficiency in your preferred field: if you’ve never performed a surgery, for example,
avoid a pre-med track. You’re already behind.

3. Work out your extracurriculars

You should be involved in multiple clubs and organizations related to your interests. This is the best way
to quantify your passions: the more, the better. Start in freshman year to show progression! That said, if
you’re not chosen as president or vice-president, don’t bother continuing. Can’t find an extracurricular
to join? Consider starting a club. See the chart below for advice on naming your new initiative.

4. Choose what schools to apply to

Any student with any goals in life has a dream school selected before they graduate elementary school.
If you don’t, choose your favorites based on their rankings. When it comes to sending out applications,
prioritize quantity over quality. Apply to as many top 20 schools as you can. You miss every shot you
don’t take. Choose some realistic options too, though. If the acceptance rate is in the double digits, it’s
a safety.

5. Crank out a personal essay

Look, you’re overcomplicating this. Just be yourself. Write about struggles that you overcame and that
made you stronger in the process. Don’t trauma dump, though. Make it fun! Never really struggled?
Maybe you’ve done charity in a foreign country or gone on a mission trip. Saviorism sells.

6. Write your supplementals

You also have to write supplemental essays for many schools. It can definitely be tempting to treat them
like an afterthought. That’s because you totally should. You’re busy, so don’t waste your time writing
unique essays for each school. Just proofread all your “why us” essays to make sure you put the right
school name in each one.

Use your first initial, last inital and birth season to name your new club!

1st Initial Last Initial Birth Season

A-F / Winter McLean Health Association

G-L / Spring Student Voters Initiative

M-S / Summer Virginia Advocates Coalition

T-Z / Fall Future Education Project

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