Task 4: Revising a Paragraph (Group)

Task 4:
1. This is the second group task for you.
2. Check your previous group paragraph.
3. You will continue a chain-writing with the members of your group. Use the template
in the 2nd page.
4. Re-assign each member as Writer 1 and so on if necessary.
5. Before you start, make sure the topic and the controlling idea in your topic sentence
are clearly stated.
6. Make sure the main idea (controlling idea) help you organize your writing.
7. You can organize your cause-effect paragraph in two ways: (a) Start with the cause
and then talk about the effects; or (b) Start with the effect and then talk about the
causes. You must choose ONE.
8. Together, use the following outline to revise your 1st draft.

Topic System Analyst

Controlling idea Holds an important role in the development of companies in the
modern business era
Topic sentence A system analyst holds an important role in the development of
companies in the modern business era

Major supporting
Minor supporting
detail
detail
(cause/effect 1)

Major supporting
Main idea Minor supporting
detail
(controlling idea) detail
(cause/effect 2)

Major supporting
Minor supporting
detail
detail
(cause/effect 3)

9. Using the topic and the controlling idea, the 1st writer will revise the topic sentence.
Then, the 2nd writer until the 3rd or the 4th writer will write the supporting sentences
based on the simple outline.

Major supporting First, they are growing in popularity and demand as

detail 1 organizations need to maintain and improve their systems'
workflow and their clients' experience.
Minor supporting Because the competition between businesses growing fast day
detail by day.
Major supporting Consequently, they have the primary role of studying the
detail 2 problems and needs of an organization
Minor supporting then helping system users and other business managers define
detail their requirements for new or enhanced information services.
Major supporting Moreover, they must be analytical, technical, managerial, and
detail 3 interpersonal in order to carry out their duties well.
Minor supporting For instance, when business is developing, project failure is a
detail likely outcome without the input and specialized function of a
system analyst.

10. Remember to check and ensure all major and minor supporting sentences are relevant
and support the main idea.
11. Use sentence connectors to make each sentence in your paragraph flow smoothly.
12. Finally, the last writer will restate the topic sentence or use the other three functions to
create a concluding sentence. Remember, you cannot introduce new idea in your
concluding sentence.

Function
Concluding These are some of the important roles of a system analyst for
sentence companies.

13. Return the paragraph to the 1st writer to have the 1st check for unity.
14. Pass the paragraph along to the next writer until the last one.
15. Write your second draft in the space provided.

Notes:
a) Orange : Title
b) Purple : Topic sentence
c) Blue : Major Supporting sentence
d) Green : Minor Supporting sentence
e) Magenta : Concluding sentence
f) Gold : Unity

Our 2nd Draft

Title:
The Role of System Analyst in Modern Business
A system analyst holds an important role in the development of companies in the
modern business era. First, they are growing in popularity and demand as organizations
need to maintain and improve their systems' workflow and their clients' experience.
Because the competition between businesses growing fast day by day. Consequently, they
have the primary role of studying the problems and needs of an organization, then helping
system users and other business managers define their requirements for new or enhanced
information services. Moreover, they must be analytical, technical, managerial, and
interpersonal in order to carry out their duties well. For instance, when business is
developing, project failure is a likely outcome without the input and specialized function of
a system analyst. System analysts observe the overall use of technology in an organization
and work to keep up with evolving technological demands by replacing outdated
technologies with the latest ones. With systems analysts making sure that an organization
Is working with the latest technological systems, thus giving rise to high productivity and
output. Last but not least, System Analyst work for finance and banking companies to help
employees better sort their money management files. They may organize their client's
financial record so they can make a complete transactions more efficiently These are some
of the important roles of a system analyst for companies.

16. You paragraph should have 5-10 sentences with no more than 10 lines.
17. The word count of your paragraph should be 200-250 words.
18. The file name: Your Class_Your Group_Task (SI-44-01_Group 1_Task 5_Paragraph)
19. Submit your paragraph via the LMS or the Gdrive provided by your teacher.

Rubric for Informative Paragraph

Element 80 - 100 70 - 79 60-69 40-59 0-39

Ideas & Content Exceptionally clear, Clear, focused, Evident main idea Main idea may Purpose and main
focused, engaging engaging with with some support be cloudy idea maybe
with relevant strong appropriate which may be because unclear and
supporting details supporting details general or limited supporting contain some
detail is too irrelevant detail
general or even
off-topic

Organization Strong topic Appropriate topic Appropriate topic Weak topic Weak topic
sentence. All body sentences. All sentence. One of sentence. Two sentence. The
supporting sentences supporting the supporting of the supporting
closely relate to the sentences sentences does not supporting sentences do not
topic sentence. adequately relate relate to the topic sentences do relate to the topic
Conclusion clearly to the topic sentence. not relate to the sentence.
sum up the sentence. Conclusion topic sentence. Conclusion does
 discussions provided Conclusion adequately sum up Conclusion not adequately
in the supporting clearly sum up the discussions adequately sum sum up the
sentences. the discussions provided in up the discussions
provided in the supporting discussions provided in the
supporting sentences. provided in the supporting
sentences. supporting sentences
sentences

Linguistic Word choice is Word choice is Language is Monotonous Limited range of

Elements precise and carefully descriptive, use functional and often contain words. More than
chosen. 1-5 errors in broad range or appropriate. 11-15 repetition 20 errors in
spelling, grammar, or words. 6-10 errors in spelling, sometimes spelling,
the mechanics of errors in spelling, grammar, or the inappropriate grammar, or the
writing grammar, or the mechanics of words. 16-20 mechanics of
mechanics of writing errors in writing.
writing spelling,
grammar, or the
mechanics of
writing.

Total Max: 300/3 = 100