UNIVERSITY OF CAGAYAN VALLEY

Formerly (Cagayan Colleges Tuguegarao)

Tuguegarao City Cagayan

MASTER OF SCIENCE IN CRIMINOLOGY

Graduate School

PROFESSOR : CRISANTO M. SAIT, RCRIM, PH.D.

NAME : BACACAO, JACKSON B.
SUBJECT : DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
REPORTER : MR. JOMEL VILLANUEVA
GUIDE QUESTION : IS THERE A POSSIBILITY THAT AN ABUSER WILL CHANGE
HIS BEHAVIOR?

ANALYTICAL PAPER

INTRODUCTION:

People change.

That small, two-word sentence is actually a huge, significant statement that carries a lot of weight. We
grow up learning about change — the inevitability of it, the uncertainty it can bring. We change — our
opinions, personalities, careers, friends, and much more. But people often wonder: Is change possible in
an abuser?

Some changes feel like they happen overnight. Others are more conscious, and they have to be, like
overcoming an addiction or correcting a personality flaw that’s harmful to ourselves or others.

If you’re the one wanting a loved one to change, it can feel impossible — but we hold onto the hope that
they will change because we desperately want them to because we remember how they were different in
the past (and if they changed for the worse, can’t they change for the better?)

BODY:
Can an abusive partner really change?
While people do have the capacity to change, they need to deeply want to and be committed to all
aspects of change in order to begin to do so — and even then, it’s a lot easier said than done.
In discussing why abusers abuse , it’s clear that a lot of the causal factors behind these behaviors
are learned attitudes and feelings of entitlement and privilege — which can be extremely difficult
to truly change. Because of this, there’s a very low percentage of abusers who truly do change their
ways.
One part of changing may involve an abusive partner willingly attending a certified batterer
intervention program that focuses on behavior, reflection and accountability. At the Hotline we
don’t recommend couples counseling, anger management, substance abuse programs or mental
health treatments for abusers to learn about and deal with their abusive patterns (although
oftentimes these can helpfully supplement a batterer intervention program).
How can abusers change?
According to author Lundy Bancroft, the following are some changes in your partner that could
indicate they’re making progress in their recovery:

 Admitting fully to what they have done

 Stopping excuses and blaming
 Making amends
 Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice
 Identifying patterns of controlling behavior they use
 Identifying the attitudes that drive their abuse
 Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring
themselves “cured”
 Not demanding credit for improvements they’ve made
 Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I
haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not a big deal)
 Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
 Carrying their weight and sharing power
 Changing how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances
 Changing how they act in heated conflicts

Accepting the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the
consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them)

As Bancroft notes, truly overcoming abusiveness can be an ongoing, often lifelong process.

No one deserves abuse, and it’s never too late to seek help. While we hope abusive partners will
change, it’s not always realistic to expect that they can and will. Focus on changes you can control to
improve your own life, because you deserved to feel loved, happy and safe.
In the words of artist Andy Warhol, “When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before
then… You can’t make them change if they don’t want to.”

CONCLUSION:
Abusive behavior is learned over time, often having to do with past trauma or childhood role
models who were abusive. And especially for men, dominating and violent behaviors are
rewarded by society at large through toxic masculinity. Unlearning these behaviors is difficult,
and it only happens when the abusive person fully commits to giving up their abusive patterns
and learning new ones.

The first sign of a real commitment? Abusive partners stop centering themselves and start feeling
true empathy for their victims. They will genuinely recognize the harm they caused to another
living, breathing human being, will take responsibility for the abuse, and will participate in any
process the victim wishes to enact for accountability — or respect the victim’s desire for no
contact at all. Finally, the abuser definitely won’t expect any kind of reward or commendation
for “good behavior.” After all, not being abusive shouldn’t win you a medal — it’s basic human
decency.

But just wanting to change isn’t enough. The process of genuinely changing harmful behaviors is
long, slow, and difficult. It takes a lifetime to learn abusive behaviors, so unlearning those
behaviors — while totally possible — takes a heck of a lot of work.

This work can happen in intervention programs specifically designed to help abusive partners
recognize their abuse patterns and learn new, healthy patterns. Abusers who really want to
change will also address other problems — like depression or alcoholism — by seeking real,
long-term help.
RECOMMENDATION:
Steps to behavior change

See that there is a problem.

First, make a list of problem behaviors. This includes both abusive and unhealthy behaviors. The
difference between abuse and unhealthy behaviors is that abuse is about power and control, and
maintaining an unequal power dynamic that benefits one person more than the other. Unhealthy
behaviors are those that may not have reached the level of abuse, but are still nurturing mistrust,
dishonesty or inequality in the relationship. If you need help identifying things you’re doing that
may be abusive or unhealthy, you can read about types of abuse and/or reach out to our
advocates!
Identify which behaviors are the problem.
Next, identify the good behaviors that you’d like to start doing and the behaviors that will
replace any problematic ones. For ideas, you can read about what healthy relationships are
supposed to be like. You might also look into communication, conflict resolution, trust,
respecting boundaries, equality, dealing with anger, reaching a state of calm, showing respect,
taking a break, practicing self-care, ensuring true consent and letting your partner take steps to
make themselves emotionally and physically safe.

Set goals for behaviors you want to stop and start.

After that, you can create a plan for how to reach these goals and maintain your new behaviors.
One idea might be jotting down a bullet point list of healthy responses for every problem
behavior you identified. Not only does writing help commit things to memory, but having a hard
copy to refer to when you need it is a great way to redirect yourself.