Out of Hell

Ohio is where I was unfortunately born. Note that it was unfortunate that I was born IN
Ohio, not that I was born in general. I was able to save enough souls of the forsaken to escape the
corn fields. Losing my eye was worth it. I can finally breath non-ash filled air. And I can finally
eat anything that isn’t corn. After surviving the “Conversion”, I was able to move to Colorado.
Some people may feel sentimental about leaving their birthplace, but Ohio can burn in hell. Or
rather hell can burn in Ohio.

That was 5 years ago, and I’ve been living the good life. I get to eat my own breakfast,
instead of having corn spawn in front of me every 5 am. My mountainside house overlooks an
incredible view of the city below, in contrast to the constant black sky that engulfs Ohio. I have
incredible friends and great relations, while back in Ohio my friends were corn demons, and my
only dog. People can even leave and go as they please, while in back in my birthplace, good luck
getting out.

But a hilarious thing that both Colorado and Ohio have in common is Waffle House. In
both states, no matter the conditions, the Waffle House stays open. Colorado reaches cold snowy
seasons but even if an avalanche would crash into the establishment, that place would still be
serving all-day-every-day waffles for 4.99. Just as in Ohio, no amount of corn demons and
lightskins could ever close Waffle House.

I don’t ever miss what I’ve been through in Ohio. You can’t expect me to be sentimental
if I had to choose from the place that inspired the Underworld, and a great business haven that
has weed legalized. Understand that there really isn’t any competition here. Getting high in
Colorado means you roll up a blunt and hit that, while getting high in Ohio means you are
levitating in the air, about to be sacrificed to the demon lord Cornthulu.

Comparing the two is definitely not fair, but I don’t care. Escaping Ohio is still the best
thing to ever happen to me, and I have a spouse and 2 beautiful children. If you are reading this
from anywhere in the world, I hope you never have to go to Ohio. If you are reading this from
Ohio, I bless you forever in death.