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“It Was the Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back”: Exploring the Distancing
Processes Communicatively Constructed in Parent-Child Estrangement
Backstories

Article in Journal of Family Communication · October 2015

DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2015.1076422

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 Journal of Family Communication

ISSN: 1526-7431 (Print) 1532-7698 (Online) Journal homepage: http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/hjfc20

“It Was the Straw that Broke the Camel’s

Back”: Exploring the Distancing Processes
Communicatively Constructed in Parent-Child
Estrangement Backstories

Kristina M. Scharp, Lindsey J. Thomas & Christina G. Paxman

To cite this article: Kristina M. Scharp, Lindsey J. Thomas & Christina G. Paxman (2015) “It Was
the Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back”: Exploring the Distancing Processes Communicatively
Constructed in Parent-Child Estrangement Backstories, Journal of Family Communication, 15:4,
330-348, DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2015.1076422

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 Journal of Family Communication, 15: 330–348, 2015
Copyright © Taylor & Francis Group, LLC
ISSN: 1526-7431 print / 1532-7698 online
DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2015.1076422

“It Was the Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back”: Exploring
the Distancing Processes Communicatively Constructed
in Parent-Child Estrangement Backstories
Kristina M. Scharp
Downloaded by [University of Iowa Libraries] at 14:15 10 December 2015

Department of Languages, Philosophy, and Communication Studies, Utah State University

Lindsey J. Thomas
Department of Communication Studies, University of Puget Sound

Christina G. Paxman
Department of Communication Arts, Minot State University

Despite its severity and prevalence, hardly any research addresses parent-child estrangement. Thus, in
the present study we focus on the backstories of 52 adult children in the United States who engaged
in communicative practices to distance themselves from their parent(s). Six themes coalesced into
two backstory types: (1) continuous estrangement and (2) chaotic (dis)association. Regardless of
backstory type, narrative beginnings consisted of accounts detailing parental maltreatment, abuse, and
indifference. Continuous estrangement occurred when adult children were able to communicatively
accomplish and maintain distance with their parent(s) in spite of the network/cultural pressures to
reconcile. In other instances, adult children succumbed to pressures to reconcile and engaged in com-
municative behaviors to decrease the distance with their parents. These participants then entered
into an on-again/off-again relationship, which ultimately ended with them attempting to create dis-
tance with their parent(s) over and over until they finally were able to maintain it (i.e., chaotic
[dis]association).

Many scholars (e.g., Floyd & Morman, 2006; Hess, 2000) contend that family relationships are
nonvoluntary, yet some individuals report being estranged from members of their family. The per-
vasiveness of thinking about family as nonvoluntary might explain why parent-child estrangement
is rarely referenced in the research literature (Agllias, 2011a) and why statistical evidence of
parent-child estrangement is nonexistent (LeBey, 2001). Yet, parent-child estrangement is a com-
mon problem raised in clinical practice, and Dattilio and Nichols (2011) argue that, “For every
client who seeks help with estrangement, there may be three or four cases in which a rift isn’t
mentioned but nevertheless exerts a poisonous influence on the family in treatment” (p. 88).

Correspondence should be addressed to Kristina M. Scharp, Department of Languages, Philosophy, and

Communication Studies, Utah State University, 0720 Old Main Hill, Logan, UT 84322. E-mail: kristina.scharp@
gmail.com
 ESTRANGEMENT BACKSTORIES 331

In fact, extant research suggests that parent-child estrangement is a significant life rupture that
has severe personal ramifications for individuals’ well-being (Agllias, 2011b; Agllias, 2011a;
Dattilio & Nichols, 2011).
Despite the relevance of this family disruption, Carr, Holman, Stephenson-Abetz, Koenig
Kellas, and Vagnoni (2015) point out that much of what we know about parent-child estrangement
reflects previous researchers’ a priori assumptions about its possible causes. Yet, Agllias (2013)
contends that, “Estrangement does not result from one conflict, one type of interaction, one type
of relationship, one parenting style, or one significant event. It is a complex and socially situ-
ated phenomenon” (p. 2). As a discourse-dependent family form (see Galvin, 2014), estranged
parents and children bear an ongoing communicative burden to “socially situate” themselves and
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justify the dissolution of a relationship that typically endures a lifetime. Consequently, although
research on estrangement attributions (see Carr et al., 2015) provides important insight, why the
estrangement occurred is only one component of the larger estrangement backstory.
A backstory is a type of narrative that provides an account of the events that lead up to
an important turning point (see Baxter, Norwood, Asbury, & Scharp, 2014). For this study, a
backstory consists of the experiences that contributed to adult children’s ability to create and
maintain distance with their parents. In particular, sharing stories with others helps individu-
als make sense of their relational dissolution, which emphasizes the ways language constructs
family identity (Galvin, 2014) and is associated with psychological well-being (Koenig Kellas
2015). Similar to other family communication scholars who study backstories (e.g., Baxter et al.,
2014), we argue that backstories help illuminate the complexity of family relationships and reveal
individuals’ struggles with violating cultural expectations.
Specific to this study, the estrangement backstory might include multiple attributions for adult
children’s desires for distance from their parent(s) and accounts of distancing and reconciliation
attempts. We focus on adult children because results from a recent study conducted by Carr and
her colleagues (2015) suggests that, “parents were not as confident in the verity of their attribu-
tions for estrangement as were children, and their accounts were less developed” (p. 139). In other
words, we selected adult children because it is possible that they would be able to provide a more
holistic account of how they became estranged from their parents. Exploring their backstories
might provide scholars with a better understanding of what drives adult children to dissolve the
interdependent relationships with their parents. Furthermore, by positioning estrangement as a
communicative process and storytelling as constitutive of reality, we offer an alternative to psy-
chologically based approaches that often do not consider the important role communication plays
in both the dissolution and postdissolution process. Finally, understanding backstories might also
hold practical implications for individuals seeking to gain distance from a negative relationship
and the family members intrinsically involved in the estrangement process. Thus, taking an inter-
pretive narrative approach, we analyzed 52 parent-child estrangement backstories to understand
the events that led adult children to distance themselves from their parent(s).

CONCEPTIONS OF PARENT-CHILD ESTRANGEMENT

Historically, parent-child estrangement research stems from studies about postdivorce parent-
child alienation, although scholars do not agree on what parental alienation or estrangement
means (Drozd & Oleson, 2004). In the present study, parent-child estrangement is conceptualized
 332 SCHARP ET AL.

as a process of decreasing interdependence where at least one of the relational parties voluntarily
and intentionally distances themselves because of a negative relationship. In concert with Galvin
(2014), we suggest this distance is intended to dissolve the relationship and last for an extended
period of time, making it qualitatively different from everyday family conflict (e.g., a day of
“the silent treatment”). Although Carr et al. (2015) have characterized estrangement as a deci-
sion to discontinue communication, we emphasize that estrangement is a communicative process
because it results from communication (e.g., verbal abuse), is accomplished through communi-
cation (Scharp, 2014), is communicatively maintained (Scharp, 2014), and is communicatively
disclosed and justified to social network members (Scharp, 2015).
Consequently, this study’s definition privileges communication and acknowledges that indi-
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viduals might be more or less “physically distant” and might communicate with more or less
frequency yet still fall along the estrangement continuum. Movement along this continuum
is dependent upon communicative distancing behaviors such as reduced communication or
increased physical distance. Thus, a decision to discontinue communication does not fully capture
the complexity of the estrangement process. In turn, when studying parent-child estrangement,
it is important to consider the complexity of the process and the communicative labor (i.e.,
distancing practices) individuals must expend to dissolve a relationship typically considered
nonvoluntary.

WHY ADULT CHILDREN ESTRANGE THEMSELVES FROM THEIR PARENTS

Although we do not know much about the parent-child estrangement process, the recent study
by Carr et al. (2015) reveals three themes that explain why adult children seek distance from
their parents. First, the intrapersonal theme depicts an internal characteristic of one or more
members of the estranged relationship (e.g., mental illness and self-centeredness). Second, the
intrafamily theme describes a negative behavior involving the estranged family member(s) (e.g.,
abuse and toxicity). Finally, interfamily issues exist outside of the estranged family relationship
(e.g., objectional relationships and physical distance). Overall, their findings reveal that children
might distance themselves for various reasons at different times across the lifespan.
Although this research deepens our understanding of parent-child estrangement, what pre-
cedes family dissolution (i.e., the backstory) might be more complicated than a single attribution.
Of note, to classify the attributions, Carr and colleagues (2015) selected a single reason for the
estrangement based either on salience or the order in which the participants reported them. More
likely, multiple attributions interplay and coalesce to depict a complex picture of the predis-
solution parent-child relationship (Agllias, 2013). In addition to global attributions, exploring
backstories might also provide information about the specific events (i.e., last straw events) that
spurred adult children to distance themselves from their parents. For example, research suggests
that women stay in abusive relationships until undeniable events provoke them to take action
(Senter & Caldwell, 2002). Thus, this study contributes in a variety of ways.
First, we explore the complex interactions and events that lead to and constitute the dissolution
process between family members. Second, we illuminate a previously understudied phenomenon
that has psychological and physiological ramifications for those who experience it. Finally, this
study makes a contribution by giving voice to adult children who might be marginalized by
their desire for distance. Taken together, these contributions exemplify the benefits of conducting
 ESTRANGEMENT BACKSTORIES 333

interpretive family research, which aims to (1) provide an evocative account of a lived experi-
ence, (2) provide a rich description of a process, (3) examine the family within a context, and (4)
“provide individuals on the fringes of society a venue to express their unique stories” (Ganong &
Coleman, 2014, p. 455).

IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION AND NARRATIVE

Afifi, Olson, and Armstrong (2005) argue that, “Given the involuntary nature of family, fam-
ily members typically cannot exit their families and find alternative ones” (p. 567). As such,
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according to Blieszner, Adams, and Morris (1995), negative feelings and fights that often end
friendships and romantic relationships rarely terminate parent-child relationships. When negative
relationships do lead to estrangement, however, adult children must engage in extensive commu-
nicative work to legitimate themselves both internally to their family and externally to members of
their social network (Galvin, 2014). This might come as no surprise, considering Agllias (2011a)
reports that social stigma often accompanies estrangement disclosure. Yet, despite adult chil-
dren’s desires to keep their estrangements private or even secret, a study by Scharp (2015) reveals
that adult children are often forced to discuss their estranged relationship because social network
members were physically present to witness the ongoing negative relationship or because adult
children feel the need to explain their absence (e.g., why they no longer come home for the hol-
idays or visit their sick parent). Given the social pressure to maintain family ties, adult children
might feel particularly compelled to share the story of how they became estranged from their
parent (i.e., the estrangement backstory). According to Baxter et al. (2014), a “backstory is a kind
of prequel that serves as a backdrop to the main event” or, as defined in the introduction, is an
account of how the dissolution occurred (p. 253). This definition positions a backstory as a type
of narrative, which Herman (2009) contends is “a basic human strategy for coming to terms with
time, process, and change” (p. 2).

Narrative as Ontology (An Interpretive Approach)

In concert with Herman’s definition, we position backstories, and subsequently narrative, as

ontology. Koenig Kellas (2015) argues that narratives constitute our way of being in the world and
are contextually situated. Thus, narratives not only construct individual experiences but also illus-
trate cultural values and assumptions. Put differently, narratives are inseparable from the ways
we understand relationships (Koenig Kellas, 2015). Scholars who think of narrative as ontology
emphasize the way stories construct the reality within relationships (see Esin, 2011). This inter-
pretive narrative approach, or what Koenig Kellas (2015) refers to as an interpretive narrative
turn, is useful to exploring the ways adult children make sense of the events that preceded their
desire for relational distance. Storytelling assists individuals in making sense of family and rela-
tionship dissolution (Harvey, Weber, & Orbuch, 1990; Koenig Kellas & Horstman, 2015. Stories
enable individuals to make sense of their lives and create logic out of complex events (Becker,
1997; Koenig Kellas 2015). Furthermore, Ochs and Capps (2001) posit that stories function, “to
imbue life events with a temporal and logical order, to demystify them and establish coherence
across past, present, and as yet unrealized experience” (p. 21).
 334 SCHARP ET AL.

Given that many narrative scholars think of stories as constitutive of relational realities, we
appropriated this way of understanding the world given our paradigmatic alignment. Specifically,
we take an interpretive narrative approach (as opposed to a postpositive narrative coherence
approach or critical relational dialectics theory approach; see Baxter, Norwood, Asbury, Jannusch
& Scharp, 2012; Baxter et al., 2014) because we emphasize the way narrative stories construct
lived experience as opposed to predict outcomes or elucidate power disparities. With this in mind,
we pose the following research question:

RQ: What narrative paths do adult children construct in stories about creating distance with their
parent(s)?
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METHOD

Narrative as Epistemology

As alluded to above, Koenig Kellas (2015) argues that taking a narrative approach means differ-
ent things to different scholars. In viewing narrative as ontological, scholars should also relate
to narrative epistemologically. In other words, researchers might treat narrative as a form of data
analysis. For the purposes of this study, narrative interviews were a methodological tool that
enabled us to garner evocative detail about a negative parent-child relationship. Treating narrative
as epistemology, then, means that narratives served as a method to explore another communica-
tion phenomenon. Our treatment of narrative aligns with Holmberg, Orbuch, and Veroff (2004),
who used narrative interviews to explore how individuals and couples came to make sense of
their emerging romantic relationship.
Similar to different narrative paradigmatic approaches, narrative scholars must also align their
particular narrative method to their worldview. For example, coherence scholars analyze their
data based on Labov’s (1972) structural model, whereas those taking an interpretive narrative
approach use Riessman’s (2008) thematic model, or what she calls “thematic narrative analysis”
(see later). Regardless, narrative scholars often begin with narrative interviewing.

Data Collection

As part of a larger research project, with IRB (Institutional Review Board) approval and in cor-
respondence to our conceptualization of estrangement, the first of the three authors recruited
and interviewed participants who met the following criteria: were at least 18 years of age, had
a negative relationship with a parent or parents, and had voluntarily and intentionally distanced
themselves from the parent(s) as a result of that negative relationship. For the purpose of this
study, participants were able to determine for themselves what it meant to have a negative rela-
tionship, which is indicative of interpretive research (e.g., Frank et al., 2015). Thus, participants
could volunteer to participate in this study if they had an ongoing negative relationship or expe-
rienced a significant negative event that changed the valence of a generally positive or neutral
relationship (see results). A total of 52 in-depth, face-to-face narrative interviews (see Langellier,
1989) were collected after participants completed a demographic questionnaire.
 ESTRANGEMENT BACKSTORIES 335

Aligned with similar interpretive narrative approaches to data collection (see Holmberg et al.,
2004), participants were instructed to tell their story from the beginning and then step-by-step.
This encouraged participants to construct an account in light of their own experience and later in
response to the interviewer’s questions. Participants were instructed:

Today, I’m going to ask you to tell me the story of how you distanced yourself from the relationship
with your [mom and/or dad]. I’m going to ask that you think of yourself as the author of a novel.
There’s no right way to tell your story but I am interested in hearing about it from the beginning and
then step-by-step . . . or we can think of everything you did as a different chapter of the novel.
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In addition to the initial interview prompt, participants were instructed: “I’m also interested in
the cast of characters. In other words, who else was present or who else did you talk to about dis-
tancing yourself from your [mom and/or dad]?” By asking participants to think of who else was
involved and how they felt, participants often shared how their actions influenced and were influ-
enced by other members of their family. Semistructured and probe questions (see McCracken,
1998) were asked throughout the interview to attain additional information about participants’
interactions with other family and social network members. Finally, adult children were asked to
reflect on the chapters and were asked if they wanted to make any edits, delete any chapters, or
add anything else (see Lindlof & Taylor, 2002).
Interviews averaged 47 minutes, ranging from 15 to 112 minutes. All interviews were audio
recorded then uploaded and transcribed using ExpressScribe transcription software and Microsoft
Word, resulting in about 650 pages of single-spaced text. The first author transcribed the major-
ity of the narratives (n = 32 interviews); this process served as the first level of analysis (i.e.,
becoming familiar with the data, see Braun & Clarke, 2006). During the transcription process, all
identifying information (e.g., names, locations) was replaced with pseudonyms or deleted.

Participant Demographics

Participants (N = 52) included adult children residing in a Midwestern, U.S. state. Ages ranged
from 20–66 (M = 35.73; SD = 11.05), with 36 identifying as women (70.6%) and 15 identifying
as men (29.4%). The sample was largely White (n = 48, 94.1%), and educational background
varied. Of the 52 participants, 32 (61.5%) identified that they had a negative relationship with
one parent, 18 identified both their mother and father (34.6%), and two identified more than
two parents (i.e., both biological parents and a stepparent) (3.8%). 35 mothers, 36 fathers, two
stepmothers, and one stepfather were identified as the person(s) with whom participants had
a negative relationship. Two participants (3.8%) reported having regular contact, 17 (32.7%)
reported having some contact, 9 (17.3%) reported having hardly any contact, and 24 (46.2%)
reported having no contact. The majority of participants (n = 35, 79.5%) indicated their desire
for distance was unidirectional (i.e., they wanted distance and their parent did not), although
some participants were not sure if their parent(s) sought distance. On average, participants began
the distancing process at age 21. Participants who maintained distance reported doing so for an
average of 9 years, and participants who engaged in an on-again/off-again relationship reported
doing so for an average of 15 years.
 336 SCHARP ET AL.

Data Analysis

First, the second and third authors engaged in thematic analysis to better understand the com-
ponents of the backstories. Overall, the thematic analysis revealed that backstories present the
process of how one’s estrangement occurs. Next, in concert with other scholars who study
backstories (e.g., Baxter et al., 2014), the second and third authors employed thematic narrative
analysis (TNA) to answer the RQ. In alignment with our epistemological approach, we employed
a method specific to the study of narrative. TNA keeps whole stories intact “by theorizing from
the case rather than from component themes (categories) across cases” (Riessman, 2008, p. 53).
Put differently, instead of identifying individual themes within a story and then looking at com-
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monalities among themes across a story corpus, we instead looked at the way themes coalesced
within each narrative to form a type of story (see Riessman; Thomas, 2014).
In particular, the second and third authors identified and coded the backstory process, which
was read holistically then coded to best reflect its overall type. Thus, the unit of analysis for
coding was a whole narrative (interview). Riessman (2008) elaborates, “the narrative analyst does
not fracture the biographical account into thematic categories as grounded theory coding would
do, but interprets it as a whole” (p. 57). Of note, in instances where the adult child was estranged
from more than one parent, the authors first coded the narrative for one parent before turning to
the other. Thus, if adult children distanced themselves from one parent differently than the other,
they might have had two codes.
Specifically, the TNA, based on an adapted procedure developed by Braun and Clarke (2006),
consisted of five steps: (1) becoming familiar with the data; (2) identifying embedded themes;
(3) defining and naming the themes; (4) generating backstory process types based on the themes
that answered the guiding question, “What backstories do adult children narratively construct in
stories about creating distance with their parent(s)?”; and, (5) locating exemplars. This iterative
process follows data collection in qualitative research (Strauss & Corbin, 1998). Although satu-
ration, the point at which no new themes or relevant data emerges (Corbin & Strauss, 2008), was
reached at the eighth backstory, we analyzed all of the available 52 narrative interviews for the
purpose of conducting verification procedures.

Verification Procedures

To ascertain the TNA’s validity, five verification procedures (Lincoln & Guba, 1985) were con-
ducted. Referential adequacy was achieved by archiving half of the data, which allowed the
second half of the data to be analyzed in comparison with the first half; the authors found that the
second half of the backstories contained no new types. The second and third authors engaged in
peer-debriefing, in which they read every transcript and discussed the backstory types and themes.
Investigator triangulation was achieved when the first author independently read all of the tran-
scripts and identified the same emergent types and themes as the second and third authors. Only
minor disagreements in labels arose; these were resolved through negotiation among all three
authors. Because only two backstory processes emerged, we conducted a very high standard of
adequacy called negative case analysis (see Kidder, 1981). We used negative case analysis to ask
whether our analysis captured 100% of the data and to ensure no new findings emerged. Finally,
detailed notes were kept as an audit trail, which aided in selecting evocative exemplars, which
will now be discussed in the results.
 ESTRANGEMENT BACKSTORIES 337
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FIGURE 1 Backstory process. Flowchart of parent-child estrangement

backstory types/process.

RESULTS

Overall, multiple themes emerged from participants’ talk and coalesced to construct two
overarching types of estrangement backstories (i.e., continuous estrangement and chaotic
dis[association]). Here, we first present the themes and explain the backstory types constructed
by these themes. We then present these findings as not simply static reports but also as part of the
ongoing estrangement process (see Figure 1).
Six pervasive themes emerged from participants’ talk about their estrangement from their par-
ent(s): (1) parental maltreatment; (2) parental indifference; (3) internal realization; (4) external
events; (5) network pressures; and (6) cultural expectations.

Parental Maltreatment

Three experiences emerged to constitute the overarching theme of parental maltreatment: psy-
chological maltreatment, physical maltreatment, and sexual abuse. Although some participants
experienced one form of maltreatment/abuse, many participants explained that they were
subjected to multiple forms of maltreatment/abuse/indifference before ultimately distancing
themselves from their parent(s).
 338 SCHARP ET AL.

Psychological Maltreatment

Many participants reported psychological maltreatment. Consistent with current conceptions

of psychological abuse (e.g., Clemmons, Walsh, DiLillo, & Messman-Moore, 2007), participants
reported experiencing a great deal of emotional and psychological distress as a result of what
they described as aggressively charged and vindictive communication. Adult children reported
that they were the targets of yelling, verbal hostility, name calling, hurtful messages, criticism,
manipulation, guilt, blame, lying, threats, and unpredictable or erratic behavior. To describe her
father, Ilene shares:
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He was fun but erratic, unstable, childish, short-fused, um, inappropriate. Just in a lot of ways. Um,
needy. Um, angsty. You know, he was always kind of picking a fight or that kind of thing. . . . I
don’t remember what we did but he was coming after us with a belt and he was snapping it like, like
bravado, like he’s trying to scare us and he did . . .

Some participants explained that their parents’ erratic behavior was the result of drugs, alcohol,
or mental issues. Participants expressed that because of threat and uncertainty they lived in a state
of constant fear. Taken together, participants’ experiences of psychological maltreatment were
varied but were described as common and problematic events that had long-lasting psychological
and emotional repercussions.

Physical Maltreatment

Physical maltreatment was also commonly reported by participants. Although some partic-
ipants discussed strategies they used to avoid or escape physical violence (e.g., spending time
at the library), most participants described physical violence as something that was simply
inescapable. For example, Horace explained:
So I mentioned several times that I was often worried I wouldn’t see the next day. . . . I actually kept
a diary of when the beatings occurred. . . . Uh, but after a while I started carrying around knives and
then, during my senior year, uh he did attack me at one point and I had a knife and I pulled it out and
I used it against him.

Horace and others discussed becoming big and/or brave enough to fight back against their par-
ent(s), which often happened in late adolescence. However, not all participants were in a position
to fight back, and those who did were not necessarily successful, in which case they continued to
suffer violence at the hands of the parent(s).

Sexual Abuse

Childhood sexual abuse was also reported by some participants, all of whom were women who
had been abused by their father or stepfather. Gwen explained:
It was an incestuous relationship so, that’s the beginning. . . . We only discussed it once. . . . I can’t
even remember what he said, this was after it became public knowledge. . . . But I only remember
being alone with him once after that and he said he hadn’t really hurt me and I don’t recall responding
to that, just needing to get out of that situation . . .
 ESTRANGEMENT BACKSTORIES 339

Gwen later explained that she got married at the age of 16 to escape her situation, since living
with other families (e.g., from church) was not a permanent solution. Many participants discussed
doing whatever they could to get away from their abusive parents, which sometimes resulted in
distancing from the entire family. Furthermore, some adult children who were sexually abused by
their (step)father also sought distance from their mother if they perceived that she did not believe
them or blatantly ignored the abuse (i.e., parental indifference). Thus, sexual abuse often served
as the catalyst for adult children to create distance from both parents.

Parental Indifference
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Indifference emerged as the second overarching theme of family estrangement. Unlike

maltreatment and abuse, where adult children reported being actively targeted by their parents,
indifference occurred when children were ignored, overlooked, disregarded, or not believed (e.g.,
regarding sexual abuse). Participant experiences of indifference ranged from general apathy and
detachment to severe neglect. Allison explained that her parents “dumped” her:
The negative relationship really started when I was 15 . . . Um, when my mother left me with my
dad, so that she could go to [country] with her boyfriend. And then my dad left me with his girlfriend,
girlfriend number two, because he had a girlfriend that he was living with but he didn’t want me to
live with them so he gave me to another girlfriend. . . . Katie, who was the girlfriend, lost her car to
creditors, lost her house to creditors, and ended up staying with her ex-husband and their kids and
then Katie just basically left me because she was done with her relationship with my dad.

The theme of indifference encompasses a variety of experiences. On one end of the contin-
uum, children were ignored at home such that their parents didn’t ask or care how they were
doing in school, cook for them, and/or help with their homework. On the other end of the contin-
uum, parental indifference was so egregious that it manifested in severe neglect. Although some
participants experienced either abuse or indifference, many participants suffered both abuse and
indifference, ultimately driving the participant to seek further distance.

Internal Realizations

Many participants’ stories marked internal realizations as the impetus for “final” distancing (of
note, “final” indicates that, although participants reported being estranged from at least one parent
at the time of the interview, many participants posited that estrangement is always in flux). Some
participants came to a realization that a parent would never perform their parental role as the
participant would like, and thus would no longer be a part of their life. For example, after dealing
with years of online contact from her mother, June realized that her mother had never been, and
would never be, a good mother:
I sent her a message back a couple months back, it was kind of a final farewell. . . . I sent it on
Facebook . . . . and then I blocked her . . . [the message] was incredibly long. It was basically like
I hope you get help and thank you for doing what you could while raising me even though you
were never a good mother. The reason I distanced myself from my stepdad was because he was
very abusive and sexually abusive for 3 years and my mom never believed it so she was questioning
whether it happened, and I told her it did and she was never there for me so it was solidifying my side
 340 SCHARP ET AL.

of the story that she never really heard and that I hope she sees him for what he is and I hope that she
can get help for herself. That was basically it, so thanks for everything.

Although June attributes relational distancing to her mother’s inability to be a “good mother,”
other participants also discussed a realization that their lives are better without their par-
ent(s). Although a number of participants discussed similar internal processes, other participants
reported external events as the cause of their final distancing.

External Events
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External events emerged from participants’ stories as specific catalysts for the “final” distance
attempt and distance maintenance. External events are marked by a parent’s behavior or decision
that caused a participant to ultimately end the relationship (see Table 1 for all event types). For
example, after enduring years of abuse, Janey ultimately cut ties when her mother attempted to
work against her through her (i.e., Janey’s) ex-husband and child:
Um, my mother has called me many, many names which affect my self-esteem to this day. Um, it
wasn’t until I had my son that I didn’t want that kind of influence around him. Um, I still talked with
her a little bit and then I was going through, my husband left me, and we were still kind of chit-
chatting a little bit and he ended up showing me an email from my mother that said she would help
him get full custody and lie and say that I am a bad mother. So she could see my grandson. Cause
I don’t want her around him. So that’s pretty much the summary of how the conversations, we’ve
stopped talking.

Although Janey’s story included many events and maltreatments that might have led to
estrangement, ultimately it was Sarah’s potential influence on Janey’s relationship with her child
that lead to the distanced relationship. Taken together, the themes of internal processes and exter-
nal events illuminate the ways in which participants’ stories construct the “end” of participants’
relationships with their now-estranged parent(s).

Network Pressures

Network pressures manifested in participant stories when social network members (e.g., fam-
ily members, friends) strongly encouraged or pressured participants to maintain a parent-child
relationship. Sometimes these network pressures were closely tied to cultural expectations (pre-
sented next), when the advice provided by family members and friends directly reflected cultural
conceptions of family (e.g., it is an unbreakable bond). Eva explained:
My mom and I have had a couple serious conversations about it and she’s supportive, yet, it frustrated
her because she has the same problems that I do but she’s married to him so sometimes I get um, you’ll
be old someday too. Sometimes it’s an angry, “You shouldn’t talk to him that way” and sometimes it’s
uh, “I love you, I’m sorry” sort of way. So it depends on her mood. Sometimes she’s more accepting
and sometimes she’s like I don’t care how he’s treating you, he’s your father, suck it up.

Eva noted that her mother pressured her, albeit inconsistently, to maintain a relationship with
her father. By instructing her to “suck it up,” Eva’s mother spoke to the notion that families
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TABLE 1
Types of “Last Straw” Events Reported in Participants’ Stories

Event Type Details Exemplar

Private conflict
Public conflict
Ultimatum violation
Perceived parental incompetence
Threat to others/Escalating violence
Third party interference
Often verbal and attributed to participant (finally) confronting
parent about ongoing problem and/or standing up for self
Often marked by embarrassment or declaration of relationship
dissolution
Child makes a request with which the parent cannot or will
not comply
Parent is perceived as irrational, often attributed to mental
illness
Parent might hurt/harm others in participant’s life (e.g.,
children, friends, etc.)
Participant was physically removed/left parent at young age,
never (re)established relationship—often accompanied by
later “closure” contact (e.g., e-mail or Facebook message)
“I didn’t go home for Christmas and she was really pissed
about that, you know . . . she called and left a message on
my machine and you know we fought about the message
. . . and we have been having that argument ever since.”
(Ian)
“I was reading through the email and at the bottom of the
email, was something like . . . ‘Barb still doesn’t
communicate with me but I have had a little bit of
communication with Ilene.’ And I wrote him back and
I said, ‘Who are you sharing this with? And why are you
sharing it with them? You are making us, my sister and I,
out to be vindictive, hateful, like crazy!’” (Ilene)
“I said, ‘If you pick up that drink, I’m leaving.’ So she picked
up the drink and I went upstairs and got my suitcase and
walked out the door.” (Connie)
“When she started getting more irrational . . . Like college
funds, she never saved up college funds for me so I don’t, I
had to do what I had to do to get done. When I decided to
make those actions she wasn’t supportive of it.” (Andy)
“I felt like I needed to protect my, protect my daughter and
. . . I just said you need to pack up your things and you
know, if you want to head home that’s fine or get a hotel
room but you’re not welcome here.” (Mandy)
“[W]e were removed from his house from by the services of
human and child welfare. And then from then, I’ve never
spoken to him since.” (Sophie)

341
 342 SCHARP ET AL.

should maintain ties, even if it isn’t easy. Other participants provided similar accounts in which
their social network encouraged and/or pressured them to reconcile. Some participants reported
that it was the distanced parent(s) who pressured them to maintain the relationship. Sometimes
this network pressure was provided through threats or guilt. Cassidy explained:
My mom would completely fall apart and would tell me she was going to end her life if I left her
and that she couldn’t live without me, couldn’t breathe without me, all those things, which was really
difficult for me to deal with and in my perception, as like a 12- or 13-year-old . . .

Cassidy explained that her mother’s behavior made it difficult to sever relational ties, espe-
cially during adolescence. Other participants explained that their parents “reeled them back in”
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through affection or bribes. Participants were then forced to decide whether to maintain the
distance they accomplished or lessen the distance with their parents.

Cultural Expectations

Cultural expectations emerged when participants talked about assumptions regarding what
parent-child relationships should be like or how they are “normally” enacted. These expectations
provided justification for “going back” to the parent after the initial distancing, or they explained
why a child maintained some contact rather than being completely estranged. Some participants,
such as Braxton, discussed how familial relationships always persevere simply because they are
family, and families endure through family-related interaction:
He’s my dad, so he always has some link to me, there will always be some relationship there. You can
choose not to act on it or use it but . . . I think there would be eventually, so there’s always going to
be something that brings us back together, so if like, when his parents die, obviously I will be going
to the funeral and he will be there. So even if I cut him out completely, there will be something that
brings us back together.

Braxton’s perception that a family is nonvoluntary ensures that he can never completely
separate from his father, regardless of whether he is actively engaging his father.
Some participants called upon cultural expectations when explaining that, even after distanc-
ing, they still felt drawn to having a relationship with their parent. As Ian stated when explaining
how estrangement can be both good and bad, “I don’t feel good about it [the estrangement] either,
ya know. I mean, I mean, I would love to be able to be a dutiful son.” For participants like Ian,
estrangement stood in contrast with the “duties” that children are culturally expected to fulfill.
Even though these participants had decided to create distance from their parent(s), the distancing
decision and/or process was nonetheless difficult. In another example, Lucille distanced herself
from her parents, who she described as an intimidating, alcoholic father and enabling, unsup-
portive mother. Despite “feeling better” with minimal parental contact, she still discussed the
distancing process as being emotionally upsetting:
It was painful, I wanted to, but it was painful because I felt guilty because I thought that this wasn’t
the way I was supposed to behave and um, I wondered if I was a bad child or they were, I never
wondered if they were right and I was wrong, but I could see all the pain that was happening in our
family that I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t even understand the dynamics. All I wanted to do is
be away from them . . .
 ESTRANGEMENT BACKSTORIES 343

Although Lucille wanted to be away from her parents and their contentious dynamics, she still
felt the pull of distal expectations: culturally, “good” children maintain relationships with their
parents. Thus, Lucille wondered if she was “wrong” and a “bad child” for wanting to withdraw
from her parents, and the process created guilt and emotional pain.

Estrangement Narratives as Backstory Process Types

Overall, in direct answer to our research question, participants told two different types of
estrangement backstory processes: continuous estrangement or chaotic (dis)association (see
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Figure 1; detailed below). These processes illuminate the severity, complexity, and difficulty
associated with act(s) of communicatively distancing oneself from a parent. Both of these
types were constructed when the six themes presented before coalesced to construct a narra-
tive, or the estrangement backstory process that each participant told. Regardless of type, the
themes of parental maltreatment and/or parental indifference permeated backstory beginnings;
all 52 participants began with an account of parental maltreatment, abuse, and/or indifference.
These negative experiences served as initial catalysts for the distancing process. As partici-
pants continued their stories, they then detailed an immediate impetus for distancing that was
either an internal realization (e.g., decision to dissolve the relationship) or an external, “last straw”
event (see Table 1). Realizations and/or events, however, were not the end of the story. Despite
reporting an immediate impetus for estrangement, participants described encountering network
pressures (e.g., demands to reconcile) and/or cultural expectations (e.g., feeling they were not
a “good child”) (themes detailed above) that called the estrangement into question. Some par-
ticipants described their ability to continually resist relational expectations and demands, thus
constructing a continuous estrangement backstory process. For many other participants, however,
this process was narratively constructed as more complicated.
Participants who reported responding to relational and cultural pressures by lessening distance
told backstories of chaotic (dis)association, in which they would create distance, give their parent
another chance and lessen distance, then seek distance again due to newly experienced or remem-
bered past maltreatment and/or indifference. Thus, an “on-again/off-again” pattern developed,
largely in response to the themes of network pressures and cultural expectations. Of note, par-
ticipants who cited an internal process as a reason for seeking distance the first time through the
model (see Figure 1) either continued to cite that reason again as part of their on-again/off-again
cycle or changed their attribution for wanting distance. Put simply, the first attribution for wanting
distance sometimes changed depending on whether the participant was seeking distance for the
second, third, or subsequent time. Some participants reported eventually exiting this pattern when
they experienced an internal realization or external event that pushed them to resist relational and
cultural pressures and maintain distance.
Thus, backstories of continuous estrangement and chaotic (dis)association are not simply sto-
ries; they also construct two overarching estrangement processes. What separates the backstory
processes is not their content (i.e., they share all six themes) but rather the participants’ narrative
construction of the length of the process and the ease with which the distance was maintained.
Put differently, the stories adult children tell emphasize that the important difference lies in how
they were able to communicatively maintain (or not) the distance as opposed to what constituted
the process.
 344 SCHARP ET AL.

DISCUSSION

In this study we examined the estrangement backstory processes of 52 adult children who have
a negative relationship with their parent(s). Few studies have examined this distressing family
disruption (Agllias, 2013), and even less have done so in the field of family communication. Yet,
parent-child estrangement is an important type of relationship dissolution because it focuses on
the nonvoluntary form. Traditionally, relationship dissolution research focuses on relationships in
which the parties, at least initially, chose to establish the relationship. In addition, estrangement
is unique because, unlike a divorce or romantic break-up, individuals might find themselves on
an estrangement continuum. In other words, unlike divorce, estrangement is not a binary type of
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dissolution. Thus, to increase knowledge about this type of dissolution, we applied an interpretive
narrative approach to illuminate the complex events that characterize estrangement processes.
This is particularly important for both clinicians and social network members who seek to support
these adult children throughout this distressing process.
Specifically, narrative beginnings were characterized by stories of parental maltreatment
and/or indifference. Adult children then described either an internal realization that they needed
to dissolve the relationship or experienced a “last straw” event. These two components of the
process provide insight into an important narrative shift; at this point, adult children told a story
where they had a viable choice to end a relationship culturally considered to be nonvoluntary.
Future researchers might want to more closely examine this narrative shift, especially because it
might hold promise for helping individuals leave abusive relationships.
Next, findings suggest that after adult children were able to gain some distance, all of them
experienced relationship demands or cultural expectations to reconcile with their parent(s).
Some adult children were able to resist these pressures and maintain continuous estrangement.
An inability to communicatively maintain the estrangement, however, led to an “on-again/off-
again” pattern (i.e., chaotic [dis]association) often seen in romantic relationships (see Dailey,
Rossetto, Pfiester, & Surra, 2009b). This might be explained by cultural assumptions that fami-
lies have a duty to stick together, as evidenced by research that suggests “good mothers” should
love their children unconditionally (see Baxter, Scharp, Asbury, Jannusch, & Norwood, 2012;
Hays, 1996) or that children should obey their parents (Crittenden, 2013).
Thus, understanding estrangement as a process including on-again/off-again interactions
might be especially helpful in explaining its deleterious physiological (Friesen, 2003), emotional
(Agllias, 2011a), and relational (Agllias, 2011a; Allen, 2003) effects, especially considering that
on-again/off-again patterns lead to more negative outcomes (Dailey, Pfiester, Jin, Beck, & Clark,
2009a) than clean-break dissolutions. Practically, these two processes suggest that some adult
children might experience ongoing distress related to their dissolution and ultimately might
require different counseling approaches to manage their estrangement than those who are able
to continuously maintain the distance.

THEORETICAL IMPLICATIONS AND PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS

With these findings in mind, there are both theoretical implications and practical applications
pertaining to adult children who are estranged from their parent(s). For example, attribution
 ESTRANGEMENT BACKSTORIES 345

theory (Heider, 1958), which provides insight into explanations individuals make for others’
behavior, provides a foundation for the estrangement backstory. Participants’ descriptions of nar-
rative beginnings closely aligned with Carr and colleagues’ (2015) estrangement attribution study
that indicates abuse, toxicity, parents’ self-centeredness, and feeling unsupported or unloved were
primary attributions adult children identified for their estrangement. Yet, the present study reveals
that maltreatment and indifference are only two facets of what drives adult children to seek dis-
tance. Our findings suggest that what precedes parent-child estrangement is a complex process
that often includes multiple attributions, internal decisions, and external events that unfold over
the course of years. Thus, the initial reason for distancing might not be the same as the second,
third, or subsequent times the adult child attempts to create distance. This complexity illuminates
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the need for more process-centered approaches to understanding parent-child estrangement.

Given the deleterious outcomes associated with on-again/off-again relationships (Dailey et al.,
2009a), in addition to the multiple attributions for seeking distance, members of estranged indi-
viduals’ social networks might consider refraining from promoting reconciliation unless asked
to intervene. All participants expressed that they sought to distance themselves because of
maltreatment, abuse, and/or parental indifference. Thus, it is likely that encouraging reconcil-
iation is not in the best interest of the adult child, despite cultural ideals that suggest families
should always stick together. A forced reconciliation attempt might also lead to decreased rela-
tional satisfaction or decreased closeness between the adult child and the person attempting the
reconciliation. This might be particularly detrimental to the adult child considering they likely
need social support to cope with severe family disruption.

DIRECTIONS FOR FUTURE RESEARCH

In this study we offered a gestalt overview into estrangement backstory processes. Future research
should consider exploring the components that comprise these processes. For example, results
suggest that adult children engage in multiple distancing behaviors to accomplish distance with
their parent(s). Exploring these communicative behaviors is important for family communica-
tion scholars because we know that how, not simply that, people dissolve relationships impacts
psychological well-being and satisfaction (see Koenig Kellas, Bean, Cunningham, & Cheng,
2008).
In addition, given that many participants described being propelled into “on-again-off-again”
relationships with their parent(s), the present study suggests that maintaining distance might be
just as important as initiating it. Participants often discussed the communicative effort involved
in negotiating reconciliation attempts, physical proximity, and feelings of guilt. Research that
positions maintenance as a distancing mechanism might expand conceptualizations of relational
maintenance that currently emphasize interpersonal closeness.
Finally, in light of the pressure adult children reported receiving from social network mem-
bers to reconcile, future studies might address the ways individuals disclose and justify their
estrangement to others. It is likely that a cultural expectation violation such as dissolving a family
relationship might be difficult to discuss and manage. Exploring information management pro-
cesses surrounding this phenomenon has implications for the social support estranged individuals
are able to garner and what they perceive to be supportive.
 346 SCHARP ET AL.

STUDY LIMITATIONS AND CONCLUSION

This study sets a foundation for parent-child estrangement research and offers insight into the
experiences of estranged adult children, yet it has several limitations. A few limitations pertain
to the homogeneity of the participants. All participants were recruited through a Midwestern
University listserv. Although participants often indicated that they had lived in other areas of the
United States, culture always permeates our communication and experience. In addition, stories
were gathered only from adult children, and participants were specifically directed to verbal-
ize a step-by-step novel about their estrangement. This is an important step in understanding
estrangement as a communicative process. It is possible, however, that parents might feel even
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greater pressure to maintain relationships with their children and that other processes might arise
with different interview or storytelling prompts. Thus, researchers should consider also gathering
data from the perspective of estranged parents as a next step in understanding how estrangement
develops communicatively and relationally, between parents and children. In addition, using
other interview formats might help to illuminate communicative processes that are integral to
parent-child estrangement but have yet to emerge.
Given that some participants indicated they felt like bad children because of their religious
beliefs (e.g., breaking the commandment “honor thy father and mother”), another limitation of
this study is that we did not collect any religious demographic information. Those who believe
that dishonoring their parent is a sin might feel more pressure to reconcile. This might have
implications for length of time a participant engages in an on-again/off-again relationship. Future
research should address the role religion plays in parent-child estrangement.
Specifically, this study focuses on participants’ backstory processes as one aspect of the
estrangement experience. Scholars (e.g., Baxter et al., 2014) who focus on this genre of nar-
rative argue that backstories help temporally situate an experience and provide insight into how
individuals make meaning of a given phenomenon. Similarly, results suggest that adult children
face numerous obstacles in gaining distance from their parents, including violating cultural norms
that guide what it means to be a family. In fact, most often, adult children report experiencing a
combination of parental maltreatment and parental indifference.
As it happens, adult children had to negotiate both why the estrangement occurred as well as
how it was accomplished. By understanding the how process, we gain insight into what individ-
uals mean when they say they are estranged from a family member. The narrating of a backstory,
then, helps constitute the meaning of estrangement for both the individuals who experience it and
those who are privy to hearing it. Ultimately, sharing these narratives might help adult children
resist some of the pressures to reestablish or maintain relationships, at least at the proximal level.
In other words, providing context might discourage others from attempting to reconcile relation-
ships that might be better left dissolved. This could hold important implications for estranged
people’s well-being.

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