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INTRODUCTION
This metaphorical and introspective question is one that many scholars have
been asked during their dissertation defense. It’s a culminating and reflective
inquiry that encompasses one’s dissertation experience. The dissertation jour-
ney is a critical nexus juncture in a scholar’s experience owning their schol-
arship, research, and practice. I was asked this poignant question during my
dissertation defense. This question from my dissertation co-chairs led me to
discern the importance of introspectively seeking and disseminating knowl-
edge consumption and production. I began situating my ontological and
epistemological stance to answer this fundamental question that became the
impetus for this article. Reflecting on my Black and queer identities, I began
to explore what communal and kinship practices retained and sustained me
in a world that denies the humanity of Black queer life. Importantly, what
does this look and feel like?
Departures in Critical Qualitative Research, Vol. 12, Number 4, pp. 6–28. ISSN: 2333-9489, electronic
ISSN: 2333-9497 © 2023 by the Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. Request
permission to photocopy or reproduce article content at the University of California Press’s Reprints
and Permissions web page, https://online.ucpress.edu/journals/pages/reprintspermissions. DOI:
https://doi.org/10.1525/dcqr.2023.12.4.6
6
Black queer community and kinship are having brunch with my friends,
where our laughter is filled with joy and solace. It’s weekly dinners with my
best friend, where we discuss combating anti-Blackness and queerness in our
careers and other facets of our lives. It’s through my writing group sessions
with my mentors that our questioning and judgment of ideas nourished and
flourished. It’s attending and presenting our research and practice at profes-
sional conferences where we elevate each other’s scholarship and practice in
a thriving environment and space where academia attempts to corrode our
The multifaceted ways of Black queer life and culture are embedded within
Black narratives and storytelling. Black storytelling and life depictions center
Black life with critical qualitative approaches such as endarkened narrative
inquiry and story work (McClish-Boyd & Bhattacharya, 2021; Toliver,
2022). Endarkened narrative epistemology and inquiry are situated within
the past, present, and future of Black feminist thought. This methodological
and epistemology relationship is grounded in Black historical and contem-
porary homage is connected to kiki methodology and Black queer storytell-
ing. The Black queer narrative canon has expressed historical, social, political,
and identity formation in conversations from and with Black queer life
(Johnson, 2019; Thrasher, 2019). My fondest memories throughout my life
have been storytelling moments and events, learning about and from Black
people in my life. I vividly remember sitting at the dinner table where my
great-grandparents, grandparents, uncle, and mom shared what it meant to be
Black in this anti-Black world. These accounts of historical racism were
ingrained in my psyche. Still, through the pain and degradation were
moments of reclaiming joy, liberation, and clap backs rooted in laughter and
comedy, as my grandma and mom call them, Kodak moments. Black story-
telling is a rich cultural and historical tradition that interconnects the lived
experiences of Black people (Coles, 2020).
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Nevertheless, stories of Blackness and queerness were missing growing up.
While there were Black and queer people in my family, their stories were
viewed by family members as a supporting perspective, not a lead one. As
a Black queer kid in the ’90s, Blackness and queerness imagery through film,
television, and music were hyper-visible yet invisible. These images were
entrenched in caricatures and stereotypes of Black queer people centered in
negative portrayals, distorted realities, and often humor for the cis-hetero
gaze. Black queer images, stories, and messages were something as a young
Black queer vernacular (e.g., shade, read, werk, kiki) is omnipresent and
influential to the lived experiences of the Black lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans,
non-binary, and gender non-conforming (LGBTQþ) community. The
impact of Black queer vernacular and language has transcended into the
larger LGBTQþ and cisgender heterosexual communities through television,
film, media, and social media sectors (Davis, 2019). Scholars have explored
notions of Black queer language and communication, such as kiki culture or
kiki-ing, among Black queer youth and adults (Blackburn, 2005; Blockett,
2017; Davis, 2019, 2022; Johnson, 2011; Love, 2017). The inception of the
kiki scene and culture originated during the 2000s in New York, providing
holistic support (e.g., housing, food, shelter) and prevention services (e.g.,
HIV prevention) for Black queer youth and adult individuals (Harper
et al., 2022; Matthes & Salzman, 2019; Smeyne, 2014). The kiki scene and
culture cultivate a brave space where social connectivity is a subculture setting
within a ballroom, where individuals commune in non-competitive culture
within the ballroom scene (Harper et al., 2022).
Kiki culture derives from ballroom subculture that centers expression
of gender and sexuality among gender non-conforming individuals (Bai-
ley, 2013). Kiki-ing has roots in Black and Latinx gay and queer culture,
10 D E PA R T U R E S I N C R I T I C A L Q U A L I T AT I V E R E S E A R C H WINTER 2023
where this form of storytelling is seen as a communal social space for
communicating Black queer vernacular, arts, and culture (Bailey, 2013).
Kiki-ing has notions of Black and Brown queer literacy within a culture
owning and utilizing queer linguistic practices (Davis, 2019). As Harper
et al. (2022) noted, kiki environments help Black gay, bisexual, and trans
youth and emerging adults with an affirming space that aids them devel-
opmentally, socially, and emotionally. The following section discusses the
components of kiki methodology and their connections to Black queer
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McCready, 2013, 2019; Reid, 2022). Black queer people experience oppres-
sion due to race, gender, and sexuality (Blockett, 2017; Mobley & Johnson,
2019). QoCC uses a subversive approach to recognize Black culture’s other
realities from the dominant narrative while acknowledging the contexts of
the intersection of multiple identities in terms of race, gender, sexuality, and
class (Ferguson, 2004, 2018). QoCC acknowledges the realities of Black
culture within gender, race, and sexual diversity, which does not abide by
heteropatriarchy and heteronormative formations, and provides this commu-
Podcast cast
Episode notes
Sponsor message
Introduction
Musical jingle/sound effects
A longer explanation of what is in store
Topic 1
Main point
Supporting point
14 D E PA R T U R E S I N C R I T I C A L Q U A L I T AT I V E R E S E A R C H WINTER 2023
Supporting data
Supporting quote
Outro
Call to action
Sponsor message
Musical jingle/sound effects
F R O M T H E O U T S I D E LO O K I N G I N
Episode Notes
Femme-ing, living in a cishet masculine world, and centering Blackness are
just a few topics of From the Outside Looking In. This podcast centers on 11
narratives of Black, gay, bisexual, and queer men’s (BGBQM) experiences in
men of color (MoC) and Black male initiative (BMI) programs at higher
education institutions. Join Wayne, Germain, Isaiah, Tre, Gabriel, Jamal, Kai,
Brendan, Jay, Roger, Shawn, and Quortne as they spill tea, throw shade, and
read higher ed spaces dominated by heteronormativity and hyper-
masculinity.
Podcast Message
From the Outside Looking In is a written podcast that examines the experi-
ences of Black, gay, bisexual, and queer men within MoC and BMI programs
in higher education. The narrator’s voice is in italic font.
[This podcast episode was recorded in Zoom.]
Topic 1: Femme-ing and the “M-Word”
[As “ The Way” by Jill Scott before music begins to fade, Quortne begins to
speak.]
Quortne: That is my favorite part of that song, I just love Jill Scott. Well,
I want to welcome you all to From the Outside Looking In, a digital
podcast narrating the experiences of BGBQM within MoC and BMI
programs at colleges and universities. In each episode, you will hear
about these men’s lived experiences from their own words.
Furthermore, I’ll share my understanding of these men’s lived
experiences while interpreting their narrative experiences. I hope that
through each episode, you invite yourself into their lives. This invitation
16 D E PA R T U R E S I N C R I T I C A L Q U A L I T AT I V E R E S E A R C H WINTER 2023
centers on their stories. From the Outside Looking In allows readers to
center Blackness, femininity, and queerness through storytelling.
Today’s episode unpacks the societal constructs of Blackness, gender
identity and expression, and sexuality from your personal, professional,
and mentorship experiences in higher ed. Today, we will hear from
Wayne, Germain, Isaiah, Tre, Gabriel, Jamal, Kai, Brendan, Jay,
Roger, Shawn, and myself of From the Outside Looking In in hearing
more about how they define masculinity and queerness. First, I’m excited
to hear your thoughts on this question. Can you all share with me, “how
[As they all look at each other, deciding on which person should speak first.
Wayne thoughtfully shares how masculinity and queerness can be
complicated terms to operate and express within LGBTQ communities.]
Wayne: I think oftentimes, society tries to make those two separate
entities as if they can’t coexist at the same time. Interesting enough.
I was just having a conversation about this with a friend of mine last
night, about how even within the LGBTQ community where you would
think there’d be a little bit more flexibility in terms of queerness and
identity and expression of sexuality.
That there’s still this need to strive for ideal optimum masculinity
really been something that I’ve noticed over the years, especially moving
from [the Midwest] and purposely working in [the Midwest] to coming
out here and seeing how not only is that message very similar in those
three contexts, but I was very different in these three contexts.
So yeah, masculinity is a very toxic space to be in. And when you add
the level and layer of queerness on top of it, it becomes even more so
problematic. And something that I can’t separate out of it is then how
much racism then plays into it too. Because then it’s just layer on top of
layer on top of layer. So I often think of those three, and just how they’re
entangled but how they can also be problematic because they’re striving
for something that somebody else has identified for us to utilize and
therefore navigate the world, when in actuality it’s a social construct that
shouldn’t have been there in the first place.
[Roger gives an anecdote of how he refrains from using the word queerness
and how it does not fit how he identifies.]
Roger: My first thing, I’m queer, I guess I’m not saying that I’m totally
opposed to it. I just don’t. And that’s primarily because and this is gonna
Isaiah: I think when I hear masculine and queerness a lot comes to mind.
It’s very hard. I think that I would say, if we look on apps, you know, the
idea of certain gay individuals’ queerness. There’s a huge trying search for
masculinity, but I feel like if you’re searching for masculinity, it’s
a feminine trait. I think then, what I mean by that quote is that so
long we’ve been bullied for being feminine or being flamboyant, or
whatever or not, per not sticking to traditional hegemonic black
masculinity. That it’s hard to navigate some of those arenas sometimes.
And so sometimes masculinity is a double-edged sword you both we
both repress it, but we still want it. And we want to obtain it. And
sometimes when it comes down to queerness, it becomes it can become
pretty toxic that we’re trying to push this image like this is what
masculinity is, so nobody won’t pick on me anymore. And as a result,
that’s why we look to masculinity. That’s why a lot of I think a lot of
masculinity sometimes tries to a lot of images on the media tries to
downplay femininity. But at the end of the day, it’s usually always the
feminine guys that are the ones doing the work so the masculine guys
can reap the benefits that they need.
When we look at Marsha P. Johnson, we look at we look at the
individuals that are doing the work behind HIV are and pushing in
that are in the in their in that work aspect is the feminine gaze. It’s the
trans women, trans men, gender non-conforming, gender non-binary it’s
18 D E PA R T U R E S I N C R I T I C A L Q U A L I T AT I V E R E S E A R C H WINTER 2023
those individuals that we consider quote unquote feminine and not
transmits excuse me, but like trans women that we can necessarily
consider feminine are those individuals that are meant to work for
the quote unquote, masculine, stereotypical white muscle gays to do
their thing?
Jamal: Whew. If any, we did talk about this in my class, about masculinity
[Tre, looking over at Germain and Wayne, shaking his head in agreement,
shares how he doesn’t subscribe to masculinity (i.e., “ M word”) and how
men uphold masculinity practices.]
Kai: I just feel like not that I grew up in a toxic household when it comes
to toxic masculinity, it’s just that I see through my interactions like
through undergrad just through just enter like, like mills and all that
I’ve seen a lot of toxic traits that most Black males carry because of the
way they were raised up and stuff of that nature. Not to blame my
parents because you know, I tell people all the time, parents teach
what they know.
And so, they know that’s why they’re going to teach it. But it’s up to
us to change that toxic mentality. It’s up to us to really change, like, how
we go about handling males, and more specifically, how to speak about
Black males. So, handling Black males and then growing up in today’s
society.
[Isaiah furthers what Kai’s anecdote said how being both masculine and
feminine can be challenging and frustrating when he is in different spaces as
a butch queen.]
Isaiah: I’m in that. It’s hard. It’s frustrating. It’s annoying sometimes. But
it’s the role that I have to play, whether I acknowledge it today or
whether they acknowledge that tomorrow or you know, I don’t know
if you’re a religious person or two people doesn’t maybe watch it just, but
you know, God, whoever you believe in the Goddess, whatever. They are
the same book; they all talk about the same book. But when you look at
that full circle, you have to do the work that necessity needed to be
sometimes that scary being the first being the first is always terrible.
Why? Because you’re the rough draft, you’re gonna burn, you’re
gonna get the races you’re gonna get the scratches, you’re gonna get
the right the red mark like this and shit. But you have to continue to
push for so that the next generation can do better. And that goes down
20 D E PA R T U R E S I N C R I T I C A L Q U A L I T AT I V E R E S E A R C H WINTER 2023
the line. It goes down the line, and no, I’m not necessarily the first. I’m
one of many rough drafts, but I’m not there yet. I think that you make
your space, and you make your you make yourself full supported, and
you make yourself feel that you belong there.
I think it’s always a constant battle of gayness of Blackness of queer
identity of masculinity and femininity, that like for my identity, because
as a butch queen, I’m both masculine and feminine. I’m very gender
fluid. So, depending on which way I want to take it. My identity as when
I’m more flamboyant I have for you stay where you have to just stand
Isaiah: Because baby, butch queen all day, honey butch queen all day.
Now we’re getting to a topic I like, I think honestly, (laughing)
femininity. Searching for masculinity is a feminine trait. So, let’s start.
Let’s start there. And what I mean by that is that when you have this
when you search for a masculine me, Ah, that’s what it is. But I think
that femininity is it’s pure, it’s under it’s the Yin to the Yang of
masculinity, but it’s much more nurturing. It’s often seen as weak
when it’s actually I think more powerful than masculinity.
I think that masculinity is an outward looking that is powerful while
femininity is an inward looking that is powerful. Though you, I might
appear to be soft and supple on the forefront, I cut your throat, and you
wouldn’t even know. Um, so it’s a sense of false bravado. Um, but
I think that femininity comes into play with like, again, that’s with
the creative side that’s the that’s the I’m, I’m me, and I’m only gonna
be me, and I’m gonna force myself to have to express myself in the way
that I want. Where masculinity is a strict, rigid rules. Femininity to an
extent is more open and freeing.
[Gabriel adds to what Isaiah shares in how he often has to change his voice
tone as a nurse when working with specific patients.]
Gabriel: And you know, just trying to figure out when my femininity
comes out when my masculinity comes out, like I remember, I see
patients at a hospital. And so, this happened like two days ago. So,
I was approached by this patient and voices Hi, Hi, my name is
22 D E PA R T U R E S I N C R I T I C A L Q U A L I T AT I V E R E S E A R C H WINTER 2023
up a great point on how we can’t separate masculinity from its
construction from whiteness, specifically white men.
Tre, while you loathe the “m-word,” there is a standard that men
often have to emulate within a society that operates in masculine norms.
Kai, you shared that Black men often are socialized with specific
messaging about harmful masculinity practices within the home
environment. As you all express masculinity and femininity as Black
men, there are times when you experience some dissonance with other
cishet men.
Podcast Message
This topic explored the confines of masculinity and queerness for these men
in their MoC and BMI program spaces. From the Outside Looking In is
a written podcast that examines the experiences of Black, gay, bisexual, and
queer men within MoC and BMI programs in higher education. The narra-
tor’s voice is in italic font.
24 D E PA R T U R E S I N C R I T I C A L Q U A L I T AT I V E R E S E A R C H WINTER 2023
affirm, and validate their lived experiences without the white and hetero-
normative gaze. In offering a kiki methodological lens, this pays homage and
ode to the endless possibilities of Black queer storytelling and worldmaking
practices that honor the ways we as Black queer people exist and live fully in
our Blackness and queerness. n
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