Voices in Your Head

And how to take command of

your mind

Yvo and the Barefoot Doctor

Published by Wayward Publications Ltd © 2017
www.waywardpublications.com
Wayward Publications Ltd.,
4/3 Richmond Place,
Edinburgh.
EH8 9SS

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All Rights reserved. No part of this publication may

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Cover designs Spanky Pymm

Edited by Harry Althoff

British Library Cataloguing-in Publication Data

A catalogue record for this book is available on
request from the British Library

ISBN 978-1-912062-23-2
 To my co-author, Barefoot Doctor, to whom I will be
forever indebted and without whom I’m fairly sure I
wouldn’t be here now – thank you for your kindness, your
love, your empathy, your humor, your infinite patience,
your trust, your wonderful friendship and for being here
unerringly to help bring me out of the darkness and into
the light.

Thank you Stevo with all my heart

Love, Yvo
The Voices
The world is such a scary place
When you're trapped inside your head
It's very dark and very loud
Your mind is full of dread

The voices tell you what to do

And then tell you you can't
The noise won't stop, just won't let up
To give you just a chance

It feels like a maze of tunnels

With noise at every turn
The loudness so incessant
Your brain begins to burn

The arguments keep going

Endlessly through the night
You cannot stop the torment
You lose the will to fight

Then suddenly in front of you

You see a hand to hold
You take it and keep holding on
Terrified it'll let you go

Slowly you inch out of the dark

Towards a golden light
Yet still so scared in case you fall
You hold on very tight

The voices say you cannot win

You'll fall right down again
You mustn't listen, you must be strong
And trust right through the pain

The light gets brighter as you climb

Each little step you take
The noise goes quiet, the voices fade
Still you fear the magic you'll break

And then you find you're standing

You no longer fear you'll fall
The hand who helped and guided you?
A friend who heard your call
Your golden friend shows you the path
The way for you to go
Into the light and out of the dark
And the peace you'll come to know
What the book’s about
This book follows the amazing, and at times scary
journey I (Yvo) went on when I found the Barefoot
Doctor and he showed me how to quieten down the
extremely loud, destructive voices in my head and, as
a result, help me heal myself of the so-called OCD
that was controlling and ruining my life. It tells the
very personal story of all the stages I went through,
and all the battles and irrational fears I had along the
way.
To explain, we call it ‘so-called OCD’ because I (the
Barefoot Doctor) don’t believe in putting a label on
things. Everyone has compulsions to some extent;
usually they’re not really noticeable and don’t affect
someone’s ability to conduct their life ‘normally’. It’s
purely a matter of degrees before someone decides to
call it OCD, and then there are further degrees–mild,
debilitating, etc.
Everyone hears voices to a greater or lesser extent
too–the little nagging voice that says you should or
shouldn’t have done something, perhaps, or that you
didn’t do something ‘right’. However, for most people
this is the only voice they hear or notice, and it’s not
that loud, so it doesn’t penetrate into their daily life
or disrupt it too much, if at all. Some may not register
even hearing this voice until it’s pointed out to them.
It’s when this voice gets so loud, or worse, if there’s
more than one of them, so they argue with each other,
that they encroach so much into your life you can no
longer function properly, or even function at all. You
try to do what they tell you you must do all the time
to make sure everything stays alright. It’s utter
torment.
This is what had happened with me (Yvo). They’d got
so loud and destructive and the ocd had got so bad
that I no longer wanted to keep going.
The first part of the book comprises introductions by
us both. Next is the main body of the book, which
consists of a series of emails between us broken into
chapters. These largely constituted the ‘therapy’ and
the healing. We believe that by keeping the story in
this format, it will allow you to understand and
absorb the process better. Most importantly, our
intention is that following the journey will more
readily allow you to put all the techniques into
practice yourself as you go along.
There are exercises, affirmations and enlightened
guidance from myself, Stephen, all the way through,
plus critically, a failsafe method that, if practiced
consistently, will take you away from all the noise for
as long as you’re there. I’ll be explaining the Method
to you presently.
Some of the emails have commentaries from one or
both of us in between, explaining our thinking at the
time, to help with understanding what we each felt
was going on. Following this there is an epilogue with
some final thoughts.
Finally, we’ve included a couple of poems that I (Yvo)
wrote.
We hope you enjoy our book and that it helps quieten
down the noise.

Yvo and the Barefoot Doctor

Barefoot Doctor’s Method
What follows is a true story about a woman's
remarkable courage, a miraculous healing, and an
angel. Being privy to a myriad of stories gathered
over a million sessions helping people across a span
of five decades, this is one of the most remarkable of
all, if not the most remarkable.
I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or
psychotherapist. I even hesitate to say I'm a healer,
even though that's evidently what I do. I'm a person,
a brother to the greater human family, and I help
other people, privileged through training and
experience to have at hand the resources and skills to
do so fairly effectively.
Trained in a holistic model, the way I practice is to
eschew from my view all concept of disease or illness,
along with all their conventional descriptions, names
and acronyms, and instead see a person there. This
applies to all levels of human experience, the
physical, the psychological, the emotional, the
lifestyle setup, all of it. For according to the system
my healing skills are largely based on, (which I'll
explain presently), there is no real division between
these when seen holistically (as a whole). The
innermost self expresses its discomfort through any
or all of these, and the trick is to get to the root of
where that disharmony originates and address it
there. Then all symptoms, at whatever level of self,
start changing and gradually dissolving.
It will help us in our inquiry here (I say inquiry,
because on account of the unfathomable complex of
layers that comprises the human condition, there can
be no definitive conclusions, merely an ongoing
inquiry) if we start by acknowledging such terms as
schizophrenia, polyphrenia, bipolar syndrome,
autism, paranoia, depression, obsessive compulsive
disorder, and so on, have no a priori status, sanctity, or
ontological substantiveness, but are merely terms
that originated as someone's description of an
observed state and ones quite lazily deployed in
order to more conveniently shunt people in various
states of alienation and distress as quickly and
efficiently through the system and dispatch them into
the big wide world, medicated and fragile but no
longer presenting an acute problem for society. This
is not to deny the short-term benefit of such labeling
and treatment as an expedient, but to imagine
anything approaching a true cure or remedy will be
effected in the conventional way is in the main to
delude ourselves–we are merely mitigating rather
than solving the problem.
To assume some of us are sane while others are not is
also dangerously deceptive. Far more realistic if
anything to regard the whole world as an asylum and
all of us inmates. The majority of us are able to
conduct our affairs on a daily basis in a socially
acceptable enough way to establish and maintain
viable transactional relationships in most areas of our
lives, most of the time, but this in no way should
mislead us in believing people aren't suffering inside.
Take so-called schizophrenia, for instance – literally,
‘split-mindedness.’. We all have two sides–the devil
and the angel if you like–though in fact, though you
may not be aware of it yourself we all have many
sides, hence why my teacher R. D. Laing described
the human condition as ‘polyphrenic’. We all suffer
from paranoid delusions, we all have latent or actual
psychotic tendencies, we all swing from elated to
deflated, we all feel glum at times, we all tend to a
level of egoic, narcissistic focus at times that
precludes empathy with others, and we all see things
that aren't there, or don't see things that are. That's
the human condition, along of course with all the
positive attributes: the courage, the nobility, the
generosity of spirit and so on.
Whether you'd be considered insane or not just
depends on how loud the voices arising from these
aspects of self are – hence, how central they are in
your line of focus – and on whether you can establish
a solid root of identification with the source of that
‘still, small voice within,’ the witness-bearer who sits
behind all the internal and externally perceived
action. For that is the only aspect of self not subject to
the fluctuations of consciousness which otherwise
produce all the various states of distress.
So rather than assume, as the helper, that I'm sorted,
sane, and the other not–or indeed that some of us are
fine while others not – I assume we're all of us
without exception suffering to one degree or other, in
one form or another, with varying levels of intensity,
all the time. I've learned through experience that no
matter how shiny, tidy, healthy and successful
someone appears, within, hidden away from view
(often even their own), there is suffering.
So I help as one suffering human to another – as I say,
a brother on the path–rather than as a father-figure
with all the implicit pretense of perfection that comes
with that.
And I do so knowing that however far-out the other
seems to be in their mode and style respectively of
thinking and operating, whichever of these chronic
dysfunctional states they’re in, that I am capable of
exactly the same, even if it's totally at odds with how I
actually perceive myself to be.
And by identifying thus, I'm able to empathize and
meet them person-to-person, rather than sympathize
and merely handle them professionally. Empathy is
different from sympathy (as in the sense of ‘feeling
pity’). To the contrary, empathy implies treating the
other with utmost respect, to focus on the strength in
them and to take them as they are, rather than nurse
an agenda to change them. The other feels this
respect instinctively and, acknowledged rather than
judged, will invariably start relaxing.
By feeling more relaxed and with less need to prove
any points to justify themselves, the people I’m
helping tend to feel less need to act out (which is
merely a disguised, inefficient way of seeking
acknowledgment and approval, most likely originally
withheld by their parents), and are hence more
inclined to focus calmly. I’m then more easily able to
show them how to reposition themselves as the
witness-bearer so they command what they focus on
rather than it remain a randomized affair. Once
focused, even with the tumult of various voices
shouting in their head, they can then become mindful
of their intentions and intended outcomes. Once
mindful of intention, life starts acquiring a shape or
form they feel they can roll with more comfortably,
rather than feel like victims of an overwhelm of
information that triggered them off into a chronic
dysfunctional altered state in the first place.
This is radically different from the conventional
approach to what's termed mental healthcare. Even
delineating between mental healthcare and physical
healthcare is a fundamental anathema to my way of
working for the reasons above. It requires the helper
step out from behind the dehumanizing barricade of
so-called professionalism and become human
instead. And this takes courage, willingness to stop
pretending, then stop pretending in a professional
capacity, and overriding all of it, an innate capacity for
being human in the first place.
Which might seem a strange thing to say, as surely
being human would come naturally. But as you see,
the very fabric of our world, our human society, is
predicated on a thick web of lies, artifice and
pretense. This web insinuates itself into our
neurolinguistic circuitry at a young age, roughly
around the time we start kindergarten, though its
mechanisms are learned far earlier, in our
interactions with parents, carers and siblings. And
while this is apparently essential in order to take our
places as actors on the world's stage, it distracts and
divorces us from the soul level of being–the level of
being human that informs and permeates our first
two or three years. Hence the majority of people find
it hard just being themselves.
But having thankfully learned to be myself, myself,
all I have to do is be that in the presence of the other,
and without doing much more than that, the other
will spontaneously respond by mirroring my
humanness and be themselves too.
This is not just theoretical. I recently spent a year or
so as part of a team piloting an alternative mental
health scheme, funded by the NHS in England, aimed
at reducing return rates of people diagnosed with
various degrees of psychosis to ‘acute beds’ in mental
wards, as from the NHS's point of view it saves them
lots of money (it costs at the time of writing around
£350 a day to service and maintain each bed). We
achieved an 80% success rate over the year of no one
returning to the acute ward.
Working entirely with the approach and method Yvo
and I are about to demonstrate in this story, in a
space of just a few weeks I've helped people
transform from being fully withdrawn, seemingly
intractably institutionalized, hunched-over,
constantly downward gazing, permitting no eye
contact, only monosyllabically grunting by way of
communication, and looking extremely lost and
downcast, to standing there head held high, chest
expanded, shoulders broad, smiling, confident,
engaged, glad to be alive and able to communicate in
a fully transactional way.
But as I say, my approach is not of the psychiatrist.
My approach is as the respectful teacher and
compassionate (rather than judgmental) brother. I
also have technique to help me guide the other to a
point of resolution in the shortest time possible.
For whilst I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist or
psychotherapist, and though I'm reticent to label
myself a healer, as labels are necessarily descriptively
limiting, I was trained initially at the age of 11 by Tio
Honsai, my then Aikido master, who himself was a
great healer, having come to London to set up
practice in Harley Street to attend to the ills and woes
of the good and great of the time. He taught me how
to channel healing force (ki) through my hands, by
which I was soon able to help those around me dispel
all sorts of aches and pains, and also feel far calmer
and clearer-minded.
I subsequently trained in depth and hands-on with
one of the greatest of all the great healers of the
human soul who ever graced the earth, the late, great
R. D. Laing, with whom I gained not only acute
insight into the human condition and its
mechanisms, but also practical learning by being
with many people in states of extreme distress. This
lessened the fear of being in such company, and also
of course, the fear of the potential within me to find
myself similarly disposed.
Then in my early 20s I trained in acupuncture and all
aspects of Chinese medicine as an apprentice in the
clinic to one of the greatest Chinese medicine doctors
in the world, Daniel Santos in Santa Fe. I was in New
Mexico for four years for that, and while there also
learned intensively from Joe Suasso and Sonny
Spruce the shamanistic approach to helping people.
This style of medicine is the precursor to modern
psychotherapy and hypnotherapy.
I returned to London, town of my birth, in 1983 and
began a healing practice. These were early days for
the world of holistic medicine, and being one of the
very first and well-schooled, if not yet greatly
experienced, thus able to gain good results for
people, the practice rapidly grew, drawing to my door
celebrities, and inevitably in their footsteps,
journalists. The ensuing publicity then enabled me to
bring to the world what I'd been working on all the
while, a series of offerings by which people could
heal themselves – whether by reading a book, as
you're presumably doing now (I've lost count and am
not about to break my flow to verify it, but I think
this one’s the nineteenth book I’ve authored or co-
authored so far); through the electronic ‘medicine
music’ for meditation or to play on the dance floor,
which I compose and produce and occasionally
perform, deploying sonic frequencies in various
combinations to produce specific healing effects;
through online trainings and internet-based
gatherings; through other more conventional media;
giving talks; holding seminars; running retreats;
hosting alternative ‘conscious clubbing’ club nights;
and even at one point, in the true spirit of the
conceptual artist, through a range of fragrances and
body products I created for fun, but which
spontaneously grew into a relatively large commercial
concern for a while.
I eventually gave rather than sold the practice to a
good friend and excellent physician at the end of
1999, as I knew she’d take the best care of all the
people, to fully devote myself to this broader aspect
of the work, to reach as many people as possible with
the healing message and information. To contribute
this is instinctual to me as a brother to humanity.
This aspect of the work has always had a life and will
of its own that has led and continues to lead me on an
increasingly magnificent adventure along life’s ‘great
thoroughfare’.
Balancing the ensuing renown with helping people
has not always been easy, and has earned me both
great accolades and not a little opprobrium. Indeed,
I've had my share of unjust trolling in my time. This
just seems to go with the work – R. D. Laing often
used to say, ‘It's a fine life as long as you don't let the
bastards grind you down’.
Without doubt it's the bullying, abuse and violation
at the hands of such ‘bastards’ that is at the root of
most peoples’ distress, alienation and disassociation
–as it was with Yvonne – yet which root factor is
curiously underplayed and under-acknowledged in
the conventional mental health context.
Alongside all my training and practice in the healing
and other arts (performance, music production,
writing, and so on), has been an assiduously
disciplined daily practice and exploration of qigong,
meditation, and martial arts, which continues to this
day. One of the great benefits of this–specifically the
martial arts combat training–is gaining experience in
reading people as they actually are rather than as
they pretend to be because when in combat training,
all pretense, artifice, and front is dropped, and you're
left with the raw primal self, both yours and the
opponent's. This encourages a capacity for being
genuine with everyone, as firstly you have the
practice (and these natural human attributes do take
practice to develop), and secondly, because
psychologically you know you can defend yourself
against physical attack; you have the confidence to be
yourself, rather than feel you have to hide behind a
barrage of artifice lest you draw the other's fire, so to
speak. This primal fear of being physically damaged
by others incidentally, albeit unconscious for most, is
one of the main drivers for adopting and upholding
the dehumanizing, soul-fracturing pretentious mode
in the first place.
I tell you all this to set the context for this remarkable
story about this remarkable woman from my own
point of view, before I go on to describe a bit about
my actual method.
I believe getting to know her by hearing her story,
and the elements of the background healing
technique that helped her turn herself around so
spectacularly, could be equally profoundly helpful to
you too, no matter what sort of symptoms are
troubling you, but especially when the destructive
voices in your head are so loud, and your associated
daily rituals have become so numerous and loaded
with superstition you can no longer function.
Incidentally, we all have both destructive and
constructive voices in the head, and it's not about
getting rid of them. It's about negotiating with the
former and inducing them to simmer down, while
increasing the volume on the latter. I'll explain this
properly and in depth a little later, for though I say
incidentally, this is actually central to Yvonne’s story
of remarkable healing. The fascinating email dialogue
that follows, and by which the process was mostly
conducted, gives you a rare opportunity to watch the
method in action. This will naturally help you ingest
and digest it for your own use.
I'm about to describe the process I tend to use with
people and used with Yvonne, but wouldn’t wish to
give the impression of working from any kind of
script. When approached by Yvonne I didn't fall into
routine or rote, I merely responded as one human to
another and allowed the method to reveal itself
spontaneously, almost instinctively, even though it's
all entirely based on my training. Rather like how
driving a car seems automatic simply because you've
done it so often, and no longer have to actively go
through the steps of clutch in, shift gear, clutch out
and so on, you just do it–the car drives itself. So in a
way, this account more comprises me reverse
engineering what I did to discern the steps taken.
Breaking this process down into stages is a little
arbitrary and clunky because in real life the process is
more organic than that–we’re not machines after all.
But as a broad guideline it goes as follows.
By the way. all of this will be explained in full depth
during the book. We will also explain how you can
use the stages to heal yourself in a summary at the
end of the book, in case you haven’t figured it out for
yourself by then, which you probably will have.
Stage one is to help the other know they're
not alone, and not a freak of nature, that
everybody suffers similarly, which actually
means generating empathy and using
various human to human bonding devices
such as humor to establish genuine
rapport. Thinking you're the only one who's
ever experienced what you're going through
is dreadfully frightening–it literally fills you
with dread. Also, knowing that everyone
has rituals etc. and communicating human-
to-human stops you feeling inferior and
helps you get your self-worth back.
Knowing you’re among many is really
comforting.
Stage two is to recontextualize the
condition to show that it’s only a problem
within a certain cultural framework. And if
you remove it from that framework (by
looking at examples such as the Japanese
tea ceremony, which could be described as
highly obsessive) it feels less daunting.
Stage three is giving the power back to the
person you’re helping by debunking the
conventional traditional view of the
condition. For example, by using and
making fun of acronyms, and explaining
how they’re more for the sake of the people
working in the industry than for the people
they’re meant to be helping.
Stage four is, once having established a
human-to-human rapport, to ascertain the
person’s backstory.
Stage five is to strike up a direct dialogue
with the voices themselves by making use
of multi personality syndrome, as in talking
to various aspects of the psyche directly (or
what Hal Stone called voice dialoguing).
Stage six is putting the demonic voices in
command of the ship so to speak, i.e. the
total opposite of what would normally be
done. This is radical and counterintuitive,
and will be explained in due course.
Stage seven is teaching the person how to
take command of the body and mind
according to the fundamental principles of
meditation practice.
Stage eight is teaching the other person to
develop cognitive awareness of the various
internal processes that were previously
compulsive, thereby turning them into
options instead.
Stage nine is beginning the integration
process, so that the many become one, with
a view to there being only one voice, to
facilitate a united self.
Stage ten is introducing the person to the
concept and experience of the continuum,
or what the Chinese call the Tao, ‘the great
everything’.
Stage eleven is presenting life as living
theatre, whereby the person recognizes that
all their behavioral loops are acts that were
 developed in childhood, and that they’re at
liberty to develop fresher, more congruent
ones.
Stage twelve is to engender psycho-
emotional resilience and suppleness and
flexibility by playing with all sorts of
different sub-identities.
Stage thirteen is to help the person
understand their unique gift that they have
to give to the world, because making a
contribution gives you a sense of purpose,
and you need a sense of purpose to give you
a reason to heal yourself.
As I say, this is an arbitrary schema. The way it
happened was actually like this:
With Yvonne and her so-called OCD, I pointed out
that we all have rituals, many of them superstitious.
For instance, not stepping on the cracks between
paving stones, or applying your make-up in a certain
order, or eating your breakfast in a particular chair,
and so on. Most of these seem perfectly innocuous,
and are, but when we get paranoid if we don't
observe them, something needs adjusting. And that's
all there is to it (this is not by any means to dismiss it
in one sentence, but this is certainly the gist of it). I
cited the example of the Japanese tea ceremony as an
event held in the highest esteem as an illustration of
the practice of mindfulness and grace in action, and
pointed out that it's only its cultural context, the
attitude with which it's performed, and the intention
behind it, that differentiates it from what we'd term
OCD – it's an ostensibly pointless rigmarole (OPR).
I used this analogy to demonstrate that just because
convention might deem her way of conducting her
habitual daily rounds a disorder, doesn't mean she
has to treat it as such. To the contrary, by instead
assuming that though divergent to the supposed
norm, this is her way, and there's no rule to say her
way is wrong simply because it's not the apparent
norm, hence no real reason she couldn't consider it
perfectly right (for her), and it starts dissolving the
habitual resistance to what she's doing, whence arises
much of the unnecessary stress she'd been feeling all
the while.
Undoing this unnecessary stress is, in any case,
prerequisite for making any sort of intervention, no
matter the apparent syndrome or condition. It's all
but impossible to cognitively and effectively attend to
making adjustments to our inner realms when
undergoing the stress of being in a state of resistance
to what is. That fighting with the self has to simmer
down first. Attaining a greater degree of self-
acceptance, in other words, no matter that what
you're accepting seems to run counter to the accepted
norm, is the first goal.
One of the ‘tools’ I used with Yvonne and invariably
use in this respect is introducing playful, honest
humor. This obviously must be done sensitively so as
not to give the impression of trivializing the other's
suffering. To the contrary. As you'll see, I played on
the absurdity of the acronym society gave Yvonne’s
way of being, and the false sense of ontological
substantiveness it lends the supposed condition, by
creating acronyms for whatever we were discussing,
such as the above OPR for ‘ostensibly pointless
rigamarole’. (That was just an example for this book,
incidentally–it wasn't one I actually used with
Yvonne.)
After gently introducing humor into the process, I
was then able to ascertain the degree of her capacity
to gain psychological distance from her habitual
internal state, for this is the fundamental boon
adopting a sense of humor about ourselves grants.
Noting her willingness to laugh encouraged me that
she could be helped with my relatively radical
approach. Of course, humor doesn’t just help with
the healing, it makes the process fun. Contrary to
what you might expect, fun is essential for any
worthwhile healing process. People assume that
healing, and particularly healing mental states, needs
to be very serious and heavy, but in fact people learn
far more efficiently when they're enjoying
themselves, and certainly teachers teach far more
efficiently when they're enjoying themselves. We're
all children at heart, and indeed it's the pretense of
adulthood that calcifies the soul and inhibits the
spontaneous flow of nature within, the chi, or life-
force, the free flowing of which heals anything in its
path.
So we made it fun from the start.
I then ascertained as much of her backstory as I could
initially assimilate, to determine some if not all of the
key childhood trauma events she'd reacted to by
triggering the so-called OCD syndrome in the first
place. These generally related to moments as a
defenseless child when adults bullied her or treated
her unjustly, or moments when the security provided
by adults was retracted, thus leaving her with a sense
of chaos. For it's this sense of chaos that causes the
child to create rituals in a bid to make some order.
Next we looked at the voices themselves, which for
her were experienced as demonic and out to get her
at every turn, commanding her to enact this ritual or
that and then reprimanding her for enacting them
and so on, until she was in a permanent state of head-
spin.
As you'll see, I asked her if the voices were male or
female. She didn't know, so off the top of my head I
suggested we name them Roger-Susan, or RS for
short, again playing on the acronym gag, especially as
RS pronounced is arse. This in itself implied a
conspiracy between her and me against them. This
was actually an intentional device on my part.
Once I felt she knew I was on her side, I asked her to
put RS onto me directly – to get 'them' to send me the
next email, as it were. With which she complied. Then
as soon as I was talking to RS, I changed tack. I made
them understand that though Yvonne was
experiencing them as a demonic presence separate
from her, and though I was playing along with that, I
knew they weren't. To the contrary, I was fully aware
that RS, or indeed any demonic voices in the head,
are merely the split-off aspects of self demanding re-
inclusion.
Before I’d asked her to put them onto me directly, I’d
ascertained they ‘lived’ somewhere far over to the
right side of her brain. This gave me the hunch RS
represented the pre-kindergarten creative aspect she
split off on starting school, which she'd done during a
phase of intense family instability, her father being in
hospital apparently in danger of dying, her mother
behaving dysfunctionally, and her teacher being
insensitive and somewhat cruel to her. So she'd felt
instinctually obliged to force herself into left-brain
(rational) mode to fit in, but because of her generally
traumatized state did so with such vehemence she
managed to leave her infant creative self behind (way
over on the right side of the brain).
As soon as I was speaking directly to RS, I explained
there’d been a big mix-up, and that I knew they
weren't demons. To the contrary, I knew they were
actually her true self, and the reason they'd been
shouting at her with increasing nastiness over the
years was simply to get her attention. I explained the
reason they were nasty was because they were only
four years old at the time, and four-year-olds don't
know too much about communication skills, so they'd
instinctively been nasty, and because it worked to get
her to take notice they'd simply kept that act up, as a
four-year old would. I explained to them I was going
to get them to take command of the ship, so to speak,
to take over from Yvonne altogether.
Bear in mind, I was perfectly aware Yvonne was
reading the emails, and the fact that I was talking to
RS directly was a game and was aware she was aware
of it too, even though she was totally engrossed in the
dialogue as RS at the time. Yet though a game, it was
deadly serious, and it constituted a risk. Because if at
that fragile stage she'd lost faith in me or the process
and freaked out, stuck in RS-ness, this might have
triggered a far more serious psychopathy altogether.
However, through the earlier introduction of humor
I'd ascertained she had enough psycho-emotional
resilience to feel relatively sure we'd pull it off. And
note I say ‘we’, because this was at no time me ‘doing’
something to her, this was us doing something
together as a team. And now the team was expanding
to include RS, with the intention to reintegrate this
former split-off aspect. I'd also explained to both
Yvonne and RS that reintegration was the goal of this
particular phase, but that it would take time.
Once I had RS in dialogue directly, I guided them via
various techniques to take command. This was based
on teaching ‘them’ the underlying method contained
in the ancient Taoist system I base my work on, so let
me explain that to you, as it's the most important
thing I've ever learned myself and is the key to all the
successful interventions I've ever made. Get this and
everything in your life falls into place, no matter how
deranged you may consider yourself to be.
Incidentally, in respect of deploying humor as a
device, you'll notice in the dialogue that as soon as I
was addressing RS instead of Yvonne, rather than
signing off as Stephen, I signed off as BD, so as to
match her. This developed throughout the dialogue,
as you'll see, so much later on, once we'd turned the
corner in the process and I was calling her Flappy
(because she was getting in a flap), I'd sign off as
Happy.
But back to the grown-up stuff: I’m now going to
describe what I call ‘The Method’.
This is a radically different and probably unfamiliar
way of knowing yourself, but roll with it and it'll
make sense. It's important that it does, as it's really
the crux of the healing process.

The Method
Consider your body as the temple or arena of
moment-to-moment experience. This is different for a
start, because we normally tend to experience life in
our imagination instead.
Think of your body as comprising two sections: the
front and the rear, separated by the ‘side-seams’ (the
seams of a T-shirt, for instance), the skull likewise.
Let's take the front section first.
Your sense organs face forwards, so you perceive life
as going on in front of you. Life (as you perceive it) is
a fascinating business – not always pleasant, indeed
often unpleasant, but fascinating nonetheless: all the
color, light, sound, smells, sensations and so on, and
the interplay between these, all the people, their
comings and goings and so on – it's utterly riveting.
And because it's so compelling and is experienced as
going on in front of you, it draws you forwards inside
your body. This happens at an early age, somewhere
between three and four, but there are no rules, and
then becomes habitual to the extent you don't even
think about it. So there you are, in the front of your
body and the front of your skull. Now we tend to
acquire the qualities of our environment; hence if in
the front of the body you acquire the qualities of the
front. The front, relative to the back, is vulnerable
(e.g. the groin, belly, throat and face), relatively weak,
and it's noisy: there's the physical noise of peristaltic
motion, breathing, heartbeat and so on; there's the
emotional noise in the solar plexus region (all the
self-conflict, the anxiety, the nervousness and so on);
and there's the mental noise of that incessant internal
dialogue occurring in the prefrontal cortex, where you
discuss with yourself the validity of the way you're
describing life, and evaluate how well or otherwise
you're doing in relation to that complex of
descriptions. And it never stops, not even while
you're asleep.
I call this combined noise the drama of being you,
and when you're up there in the front with it you
acquire those qualities: you become vulnerable, weak
and noisy – you become the drama of being you.
However, the back is relatively invulnerable, strong,
and silent. By learning to shift yourself backwards so
you sit everywhere behind the ‘side-seams’, you
naturally acquire these qualities: you become
relatively invulnerable, strong, and silent within. The
back is also where the internal witness-bearer sits,
watching from behind as the front goes through its
drama.
It watches but it isn't affected; it remains silent and
still, its mode one of subtle delight merely for being
alive. I say ‘merely’, but in fact being alive is in itself
the greatest gift and boon there is–nothing else in the
world comes close.
From the back the drama in the front becomes less
personal, less noisy, and far less distressing, even
when in the midst of extreme distress. The issues
your mind is grappling with, the emotions that swirl
in the belly, all these become mere energetic
phenomena rather than entities requiring resolution.
Learn to remain in the back most of the time, and you
gain command over the drama of being you, rather
than vice versa, as is the case when situated in the
front. It’s the simplest thing in the world, yet the
most powerful self-regulatory tool you'll ever learn.
However, remembering to stay in the back self is the
challenging bit. Years of becoming habituated to the
front self – all the noise and all the drama–are not
easy to override in a jiffy. You'll find yourself
oscillating wildly between the two for quite a while.
But eventually, in the fullness of time, with patience
and application, just momentary visits to the back, if
enjoyed with sufficient frequency, will cause this to
become the default position. And once that happens
your whole experience of life and hence your whole
life will be transformed for the better by an
unimaginable quantum leap.
This shift to the back is what caused the people I was
working with in the mental health project to so
miraculously transform themselves in such a
relatively short time from the dysfunctional state to
the self-empowered state. And it's this that caused
Yvonne to do so likewise.
So I explained this to RS, suggested that the rear-
brain region was the bridge of the spaceship and that
they were to occupy the captain's seat bang in the
center, whence they could retake command of the
ship.
We did this slowly, gingerly, so they had time to grow
accustomed to being in command – quite a shock
after all those decades out in the cold – and agreed
that Yvonne would be renamed Y, and that Y, who was
evidently the real problem rather than them, was to
spend her time in a glass observatory positioned on
Yvonne's left shoulder, where she was to play like a
child the whole day long (as she'd never really ever
had a chance to play like a child during her actual
childhood). We also agreed that if she was feeling
nervous or upset, she was allowed to knock on the
door just once a day (positioned in the left ear) and
would be entitled to discuss her problem with RS.
Once this was established, the destructive voices
stopped.
This might have been the moment most would have
stopped the process, thinking job done, but I was
keenly aware that without ongoing support and
guidance, the old habits would swiftly overcome even
this hallowed state of newfound peace.
So the next stage was to gradually introduce the idea
that Yvonne was actually the guiding angel, so to
speak, who sat behind even RS, and that if RS wanted
guidance on anything they were to seek it from
Yvonne. This was to introduce the notion of self-
reliance at the most profound level.
Bear in mind that because the initial trauma occurred
in infancy, these games were entirely resonant–it was
as if we were talking to that infant.
Next phase was to start reintroducing the notion that
all these apparently different entities were in fact just
one entity, Yvonne, that reintegration was our
ultimate goal. She resisted this initially, and it took
some time. But eventually she came round to
agreeing.
Once reintegrated, we dropped the idea of RS and Y
and started looking at intention, as in gaining a view
of the future and what Yvonne might want from life.
This is something strangely overlooked in
conventional treatment. The patient is thought of as
merely that, a patient, and the thought they might
want to make something of their lives falls beyond
the remit of the therapist. However, having direction
is one of the most important factors in the healing
process. After all, if you've nothing to look forward to,
what's the point of healing yourself?
It was at this point I took the chance of suggesting
this book to her. In case you’re wondering, it’s not
something I suggest to everybody, as there’s not time
to publish that many books. This was particularly
related to Yvo because she has such great talent, and
because it was such a remarkable and unusual
process.
I also need to point out that once she’d found me and
was starting to trust my help, she naturally also
started growing anxious she might lose it, so was
asking for reassurance on quite a frequent basis.
Conventional OCD treatment insists on never giving
that reassurance, lest a codependent patient-therapist
relationship develop, which would obviously be
detrimental to the healing process in light of the fact
most therapists wouldn't wish to commit to long-
term treatment. I had no fear of that however,
because I wasn't coming at it as a therapist, but as a
brother on the path who had already committed to
seeing this through no matter how long it took.
Making that commitment is unusual but crucial, and
is what differentiates true healing from the
conventional professional patient-therapist dynamic.
So each time she asked for reassurance that I
wouldn’t leave her in the lurch, I gave it to her and
also reassured her she was free to ask for reassurance
as often as she wanted to. I knew that this would give
her the necessary sense of security to take command
of herself far faster than by withholding it, and it
proved to be so. I did so acknowledging the danger of
codependence first, however, so she was clear on the
score and status quo. I was depending on her
integrity, and though I've occasionally been wrong
with people in this respect, I had enough evidence by
then to feel comfortable assuming she did indeed
have that integrity. As it turned out, she has it in
spades.
She also had a habit of saying sorry all the time: sorry
for telling me this, sorry for telling me that. But
rather than telling her to stop saying sorry, I got her
to agree that each time she said sorry, she'd say, ‘sorry
for saying sorry’. That way, seeing as she seemed to
like saying it so much, she'd get to say it three times
instead of just the once. This also made both of us
laugh, which again made the process fun. And it soon
stopped her from saying sorry. In fact, I can't
remember the last time she said it to me.
She would also worry after sending an email that
something in the email might have offended me,
even though as you'll see, nothing she ever said was
ever in any way offensive. But instead of telling her
not to imagine what isn't there, I simply kept
assuring her nothing she could ever say could
possibly offend me–and I meant this no matter what.
Words are only words, after all. (Incidentally, she
never did say anything even vaguely approaching the
offensive. Indeed, she's one of the most respectful,
thoughtful, considerate persons I've ever known.)
In fact, this was something I pointed out to her with
respect to her loved ones growing impatient with her
ways – all her concern arose from being highly
considerate and sensitive to others, and is something
to be lauded (at least by her), not criticized. This will
be self-evident and more easily understood as you
read the dialogue.

In summary
Before I have the immense pleasure and pride to
introduce you to Yvonne, after which we share the
healing dialogue, here follows a summary of salient
points as a quick essential reference for your own
self-healing process.
Stop calling it OCD–that's an illusion. There is no
OCD, there is merely a series of rituals you subscribe
to – Japanese tea ceremonies are no different.
Everyone has their rituals, and once you understand
this you see you have options to go with the impulse
to ritualize or not at each turn, and that stops it being
compulsive. This requires mindfulness.
If you're hearing voices, likewise, everyone hears
voices–it's just the volume and intensity that requires
adjustment – and if these voices seem demonic you
can be sure these are the voice of your true self who
got split off at an early age and has been trying to
attract your attention ever since by saying horrible
things to get you to pay attention. Reincorporate
these as central to yourself and the negative noise
dies away. Again, this takes mindfulness – and
courage.
In a nutshell, desist from seeing it as a disease with a
name – that's merely an expedient subjective
description, a fabrication on the part of the
psychiatric profession.
And stop assuming you're a freak – everyone has
rituals.
Develop mindfulness to afford you the capacity to
exercise options rather than be compelled.
Invite the apparently destructive voices to be central
to operations and the nasty noise will start to
diminish.
Then you can begin to contemplate how you may be
of help and/or service to others, as this will start to
draw you towards a congruent dynamic with human
society. By reframing reality like this, by and by all the
original trauma that caused you to generate this
condition in the first place will reveal itself so you can
acknowledge, accept, and let it go.
But I wouldn’t wish to give you the impression that
this book, from my point of view, is to propound a
novel theory, to make a face or claim a space for
myself in the noise that calls itself the mental health
industry.
To the contrary. I find the whole business a bit rotten
at its core, and driven by people with agendas other
than being of true service to their fellows. Hence why
it's ironically competitive, and in the flurry and flux of
such competitiveness something extremely valuable
and potentially helpful to many may be lost.
In any case, I've far more interesting and appealing
worlds to play in than that. However, I do care deeply
for my fellows and for humanity at large, so will do
anything that can promote sanity, mutual tolerance,
and an end to the very sort of bullying that triggered
Yvonne's state in the first place.
So what I want is to be the servant or geisha girl in
this dynamic. For even though known as a writer and
expert on the human condition, my distinct feeling
here is merely to serve the cause of this incredible
woman. For I believe she will be able to help far more
people in similar states than I, as people will relate to
her story.
When I first heard from her, Yvonne was about to top
herself. But she typed in ‘angels help’ into the
computer and my site came up first. This is
inexplicable because I rarely if ever even mention the
word angel, let alone spent money on SEO for it.
It clearly behooved me to serve the will of that angel
in committing to helping. 450,000 words of email
dialogue later (now edited down to under 53,000 by
Yvonne herself, we not only have this wonderful book
to show for it, but she's made such leaps and bounds
in her recovery from 60 years of extreme torment, it's
nothing short of a miracle, and one of epic
proportions.
Naturally I'll let her tell her own story, as for me this
is what the book's all about. But before I pass you
over to her, I can assure you I wasn't looking for a
book to write, and the only reason you find me here
at all is because this woman is remarkable. She is
courageous, she is a genius, she is honorable, she is
strong, she is kind, and she is even starting to see the
truth in all this herself, having been told by almost all
people in her life so far that she was utterly useless.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
I'm not overblowing it. She has her fragility. It's
obvious. But we all have our fragility. It's just that
most are more easily able to mask it, even to
themselves. But as I've often said to her along the
way, the fact she's been given the opportunity to
examine her fragility, especially in connection with
interpersonal relationships – or rather that she's been
forced to examine it – is a blessing more than curse.
Because it's the insights gained from this that make
her the powerful healer she's going to be and actually
already is.
Suffice to say, I'm proud to be introducing you to
Yvonne, who incidentally became Yvo a while back
because it somehow inferred a newfound unshakable
strength, a bit like the glue we used to use as kids,
Evostick.
And now I hand you over to Yvo.
Yvo’s Story
Stephen started helping me when I was in the depths
of despair and I didn’t know where to turn. He is the
most loving, gentle, caring, kind, wise, empathic and
nurturing person I have ever known, not to mention
magical. I was in the grips of what is termed ‘severe
OCD’ by the mental health industry. Among other
things, it prevented me leaving the house for fear of
catching germs I might pass on to my family. I was
tormented with voices in my head. They wouldn’t
leave me alone. They kept making me doubt myself
over everything I did or said and told me I had to do
or not do things. They controlled my life. I tried
interminably to resolve issues that couldn’t be
resolved, because there was nothing to resolve. The
voices were so loud and confusing and it felt like it
was a maze of dark tunnels in my head. I didn’t know
which way to go to get out.
I’d been diagnosed with what is labeled ‘severe
contamination, responsibility and rumination OCD’.
I’d seen many therapists of different sorts to no avail
and was on the verge of giving in and taking the
drugs I’d been prescribed. I’d lost all faith in myself,
my judgment, and the ability to make correct
decisions. I felt I was a complete burden on my
family. I was coming to the conclusion they’d be much
better off without me. I knew I was making them very
unhappy, but didn’t know how to stop it. I couldn’t
see a way out of it at all, and the torment of the
rumination was literally driving me mad.
Then Stephen came along. It’s difficult to put into
words what he did. It was truly like magic. He has
unbelievable insight and patience. Through reading
my incessant emails, being there to listen anytime,
and always replying with such incredible wisdom,
gentleness, kindness, and understanding, he gently
guided me through it and out the other side.
Loving it, not changing it
He did the exact opposite of typical OCD therapy. He
got me to love everything, every feeling, every ritual,
and never censored anything I felt compelled to do.
He continuously reassured me whenever I needed it.
This was most of the time at the beginning. This is
something typical OCD therapy says you mustn’t do.
However, it was this reassurance that gave me
stability and a feeling of security. This in turn gave
me the space and ability to start trusting myself
again. It allowed me to regain my strength, knowing
he was there to support me unerringly and to help me
back up again if I fell. It therefore felt safe to do
whatever he said, and the more I did, the more my
confidence and trust in myself grew.
He treated me as ‘normal’ and helped me accept
myself for who I am. He taught me so very
importantly to believe in myself again and that I
could depend on myself. He taught me that I’m worth
something and importantly that it’s OK to be
different. It was this acceptance and belief and
realizing my self-worth that was a major factor in
overcoming my fears and the so-called ‘OCD’. He
also got me to see the destructive voices for what they
were, which were aspects of me that had been split
off as a child, and left behind as it were, and they
were now crying out for inclusion and telling me
horror stories to get my attention. And the part I’d
constructed as a ‘front’ and who’d been running the
show because I couldn’t cope with what was going on
when I was little, wasn’t the true me. So we
reorganized the voices in my head, so the true me
came to the fore. It’s very difficult to explain what it
felt like. But it turned out that the aspect that had
been in command was in fact the scared child who
needed constant reassurance by what had been the
demonic voices. And amazingly, as soon as the true
part of me was in command, a huge part of the OCD–
the ruminating horror story aspect–simply
disappeared altogether overnight. It was truly like
magic and incredible to believe if I hadn’t been the
person it actually happened to.
Inner strength
Since working with Stephen, I now go out and am not
worried about crowded places or catching germs, as
the responsibility aspect is now in perspective. I can
make decisions, as I trust my own judgment much
more. Stephen taught me that I have an inner
strength inside me that will never let me down.
Having someone else believe in you and, no matter
what you do or say, still say that you’re OK because
it’s OK to make mistakes and not be perfect–someone
who restores your faith in yourself and is there telling
you you’re worth something and also that you have
something to give, that you can contribute something
good and worthwhile–that makes all the difference in
the world. It’s crucial, especially if you’ve been told
and believed since before you can remember that
you’re useless and get everything wrong.

There’s so much more I could say, but you probably

get the gist. I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t be here now if it
weren’t for Stephen, let alone have the much more
fulfilling life that I have now, and I want to
acknowledge that. I truly will be forever in his debt.
The night I found the Barefoot Doctor
I’d received a text from my daughter who wanted me
to meet her and my grandson the next day. The OCD
grabbed me immediately. The battle of the voices in
my head said on the one hand that I couldn’t go
because something bad would happen if I did and it
would be my fault–it often wasn’t specific about what
that might be. The other side said if I didn’t go
something bad would happen. Usually the side that
said I mustn’t go won, but it caused such enormous
torment during the decision-making process prior to
the meeting. It would send me into the utmost panic
that I didn’t know what to do. I used to literally run
and jump around in an attempt to get away from the
voices. I would often scream at them to go away,
trying to escape the thoughts that incessantly
tortured me. And after the event came and went and
I hadn’t gone, the voices always tormented me by
saying that I should have gone for some reason. They
said that bad things would happen because I hadn’t.
So I knew this would happen.
My family tried hard to calm me down, as they often
did, with an attempt at rationalization. This consisted
largely of saying not to go if I didn’t want to. I knew
they meant well and were trying to help. I tried to
explain why I was upset and why I couldn’t decide.
But they couldn’t understand, as they weren’t inside
my head. The reason I was so upset was because the
voices told me that I would make my grandson ill if I
saw him. They said I might have some infectious
illness that I didn’t know I had, or that I’d hurt him
by being careless, or something similar. So I really
didn’t want to risk it, just in case. I felt he was safe as
long as I didn’t see him. This was what I was
constantly worried about: that I would somehow
cause my family to be hurt in some way and also I
wouldn’t be able to live with the responsibility of it.
My family understandably became tired of my saying
I didn’t know what to do and counteracting
everything they said to try and help, and they left me
to it. Then, as always, the real loneliness set in. It
feels lonely when they’re trying to help, as I know
they don’t understand and they admit they don’t.
They’re still concerned and trying to help, but when
they give up trying and go back to watch television or
talk amongst themselves, it’s so much lonelier. The
torment gets worse.
This particular evening, the voices were so incredibly
loud. They wouldn’t let up for a second. They were
tormenting me so much. I really didn’t want to be
alive anymore. I was becoming less able to manage
them and deal with them. I felt so isolated and alone
and out of it with the noise of the voices arguing
incessantly inside my head.
I was considering what to do. I felt that after years of
being this way and upsetting my family so much I
had to do something. That something was to end my
life. I’d got to the point where I knew I definitely no
longer wanted to be here. I’d got very close before,
but something had always stopped me. This time I
was convinced my family would be better off without
me. They might be sad for a while, but I decided it
would be the best thing in the long run. Also, I
couldn’t live with my mind and the voices and the so
very loud noise and pain of it any longer–and it did
feel like it hurt, somehow. And it was literally driving
me completely mad. Every day I woke up was utter
torment. I wished I were dead. I’d wished it many
times before that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.
But I always did, and I managed to summon up some
strength from somewhere to keep me going.
Help from angels
This evening, though, I felt I’d finally lost all hope. I
considered various options and went through how I
would do it. During all these thoughts going on I was
pleading with my angels–angels I didn’t know if I
believed in or not. I’m not a religious person
(although I used to be), and this is not in any way a
religious book. But I’d always felt there was
something there, some entity or energy or something,
I just wasn’t quite sure what it was. So I pleaded with
‘them’ to help me, to give me some sort of sign if they
were there to give me some hope and strength again,
to tell me what to do. I picked up my computer not
really knowing what I was doing. I was still beside
myself and through my tears googled ‘angels help’.
The next bit is vague. I suddenly found myself on
Barefoot Doctor ’s page. I truly have no idea now how
I got there–if it came up first, or what happened. It’s a
blank. I’d never heard of him before.
The magic
I was immediately taken in by what I read and in the
way it was written. Something about it gave me a
good feeling. Straight away I felt some sort of hope, a
glimmer, and somehow…something. I didn’t know
what. I didn’t have a clue if he’d be able to help me. I
found a contact email and emailed him. I asked
simply whether he could help someone with severe
OCD. I didn’t say how bad I was feeling at the time.
Doing this had calmed me down, and after sending it
I felt inexplicably a bit better. And I had something to
cling to, some hope, to keep going again, for a while
at least. And I decided I wasn’t going to meet my
daughter. Although I felt really bad still, the torment
had quietened down a bit. It would be back, but
knowing I had done something positive helped.
I received a reply from Stephen the next morning. I
was amazed. First, because I hadn’t really expected
one. And secondly and more importantly, because the
reply was so wonderful and loving. It was as if it had
come from an old friend the way it was written, and it
had even been signed ‘love’. This felt a bit strange, as
I didn’t know him at all, but somehow it was really
comforting and friendly and caring. He told me that
he could help. Something about the way he wrote was
immediately calming and gave me this feeling that
everything would be all right. I didn’t feel alone
anymore. It was an amazing feeling. It seemed as if
he understood, and I had hope again. The feeling of
just knowing there was someone out there who could
help me, and I felt he could, was incredible.
He told me that the key was something called
psychospatial repositioning (PR). It basically means
thinking from a different place inside your head. It’s a
Taoist principle and he calls it ‘The Method’ (as he’s
described above) and it’s the most amazing, powerful
technique, which instantly quietens all the noise and
voices when you do it. It’s also explained fully in the
email dialogue, so I won’t repeat it here.
On doing what he told me, I found myself in a
completely different place. I was suddenly able to
view the world in a new light. The very loud noise had
gone for a brief while. It was so wonderful. It felt like
I was someone else looking at the world and the
universe of which I was a part, and everything was
fine. This was the start of my amazing road to
recovery. It’s very difficult to put into words exactly
what happened in the months that followed.
I emailed Stephen regularly. Through the emails he
guided and reassured me and helped me put things
into perspective. He taught me gradually how to deal
with the voices and the so-called OCD. He taught me
to love and like myself again. Through the emails it
felt as if he was healing me and helping me heal
myself. For quite a while my emails were usually very
long. I found I wanted to tell him everything about
me. He was such a good listener. I couldn’t believe he
was here. I kept asking him for reassurance that he
wouldn’t go away. After literally my whole life of not
having anyone who understood what I was going
through and what I was feeling inside my head, to
have someone at last who did understand was
unbelievable and like a dream. I was terrified I’d wake
up and he’d be gone and I’d go back to how I was–at
the bottom of a very deep, dark chasm, it felt like,
with no way out. But he didn’t go, and I began to feel
more secure that he was staying there for me for
whenever I needed him. It felt like he was holding my
hand and helping me back up and out into the light
again from a very, very dark place. I was becoming
more confident that he wouldn’t suddenly let go. No
matter how insecure and irrational and needy my
emails were, he was still there. He was also very clear,
though, to make sure I stayed independent
throughout. In one email quite early on I apologized
for leaning on him so much. He told me I wasn’t
leaning, I was standing on my own two feet and he
was helping. This has been a theme throughout the
process. I didn’t know before, but sufferers of so-
called OCD tend to become dependent on others. He
was letting me know that he wouldn’t let that happen.
He’s so incredibly wise. It seemed as if he knew what
to say and what was needed before I did. I
remembered that always from then on and that it was
my strength, and he was helping me find it again.
The other thing is, because Stephen doesn’t like the
term OCD, and doesn’t believe in labels, after a little
while, as he said, we renamed it RS. We looked at it as
voices that were bits of my former self that had been
split off because they were in too much pain to carry
along the road. We also talked about things that had
happened to me to take away my self-worth and make
me not like myself.
Reassurance
Stephen gave me a different way of looking at things
and lots of exercises to help. He boosted me up. Every
time I said I felt like a nuisance, he reassured me I
wasn’t. From the beginning he made me feel
worthwhile and worth something. He told me I could
say anything and that nothing I said would be wrong.
This was so important. I’d been told throughout my
life that I said the wrong thing, or didn’t do things
right. So I was so frightened of saying the wrong
thing and him going away.
Most importantly and crucial to my healing, he kept
reassuring me. Sometimes I didn’t like to ask for
reassurance, even though I wanted to; I was really
frightened that if I did keep asking, one time he
might not reassure me. Sometimes emails took a long
time to write because I couldn’t decide whether to ask
again. But the voices made me think that when
moments had past, things would have changed and
that he might not have been there anymore. They
made me doubt so much, so I really wanted and
needed to ask again. He always did reassure me and
he understood this need. That helped so much–more
than I can say–and it gave me the courage to keep
taking little steps.
He also amazingly knew exactly the right words to
use. With me, if someone didn’t say something the
right way, I never found it convincing, or I thought
they didn’t mean it. But Stephen would say it in
exactly the right way that reassured me instantly. The
feeling that gave me was so wonderful. Until, that is,
the voices said, ‘Are you sure he’s still there?’ or ‘You
can’t trust yourself ’, or something similar, and then it
would start again. Stephen was and is so unbelievably
patient, and he understood this.
‘The Method’, or ‘dropping back’ as it’s otherwise
known, gave me a break from the voices, which was
so good, even for just a few seconds. When I was in
the middle of a big panic, however, I still wouldn’t let
myself go back there – to the back of my mind where
it was quiet, and where you also get the perspective,
the bigger picture. I felt that I had to stay up front to
deal with the situation. This didn’t achieve anything,
of course, except torment me further. But I was
unable to let go and trust that it would be OK when it
was really bad. However, whenever I did manage it,
even if only fleetingly, it helped to reset me, as it
were, and gradually I was able to let go and trust and
do it more and more. In this way the big panics
decreased quite rapidly and I’ve not had one for a
very long time.
The other thing Stephen did was to tell me I didn’t
need to change anything about myself. I just had to
enjoy everything about me, and if I wasn’t, to even
enjoy not enjoying it. Even if I was quirky, that was
OK. This takes away the guilty feeling of not
subscribing to the supposed norm. He taught me
very gently and lovingly and so patiently that I really
am actually OK exactly as I am.
He also taught me about the Tao. It’s the inner
presence we all have. It could perhaps be described
as the universal energy, but is actually ineffable; it
cannot be described. It’s the part of us that sits in the
back, observing. It doesn’t flap or worry at all. And
that’s where we go when we drop back. It’s the
witness-bearer and simply observes whatever ’s going
on impartially. It’s worth noting here that in the way
we work with it the term has no religious
connotations whatsoever. The knowledge of this inner
presence had a very powerful effect on me, although
it went in stages.
Trust
Gradually though, after not very long, quite
amazingly I found I was able to leave the house.
Stephen told me a way to deal with my fear of
catching germs and passing them on to my family.
This is to put a bright white light around myself and
those I love to protect them. I did this. It sounds
simplistic, but I trusted (and still trust) Stephen
completely, and I knew and believed that this would
work. And my self-worth was beginning to grow
alongside this, and with it trust in myself. So I began
slowly and gradually to trust what I did, or didn’t do,
knowing Stephen was there with me all the way. And
the more I went out the easier it became.
He also held the ‘safe spaces’ for me, so I didn’t have
to believe I’d ‘get better ’, or that the voices would
quieten down – he held those spaces for me. It just
makes you feel safe, knowing that someone is
‘holding them’ and what feels like looking after you
and looking out for you, knowing that it doesn’t
matter if you don’t think you can do it, they believe in
you and are patiently guarding and guiding you until
you can see it too. He importantly told me that I also
had to trust that everything happens for a reason.
And if someone did get ill, maybe it was because they
had to build up their immune system, and it wouldn’t
be my fault.
Everything he said made such sense. But there was
never any pressure whatsoever to do anything. This
was so important. He said that whatever I felt to do
was OK. He simply guided me and suggested. So
importantly, he said that if I wanted to do the rituals
or compulsions, then to do them–the opposite of
cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), with Exposure,
Response, Prevention (ERP) which as you may know
is an exposure type of treatment for OCD where you
have to do the thing that triggers the OCD and stay
with it, till you realize nothing bad happened because
you did, or didn’t do whatever it was. The idea being
that eventually your brain learns that whether you
wash your hands for the twentieth time, or stay in the
shower for three hours, or walk round the table
twenty times, or whatever else the voices say you
have to do or not do for it to be OK makes no
difference. I found it torture trying to do that and
never could stay with it. Stephen said it was
important to know that whatever I wanted to do, or
felt compelled to do was OK–to trust myself. It was so
good to be told that and had an amazing effect on
me.
Venturing out again
A few months after contacting Stephen I heard that
he was holding a healing day in London, and after
asking him about it, I decided to go. This was a very
big thing. Just traveling there on the train was
extremely stressful. I still saw bugs everywhere. But I
put the bright white light around me, and Stephen
emailed me telling me how well I was doing. So I
made it to London. The healing day was wonderful
and I felt completely relaxed in his presence. He has a
natural way of making you feel OK. And I was in a
room all day with other people. I couldn’t believe how
I could have moved on so quickly. This was only three
months after he had started helping me. Nothing else
had ever helped me like this. But there was no
pressure. And very importantly, no fear of failure if I
didn’t do it; Stephen had said it was perfectly fine if I
went or if I didn’t. I wouldn’t have let either myself or
him down if I changed my mind, even at the last
minute, or if I wanted to leave during the day. Not
feeling pressure to do something is also so important.
It stops the feeling of being trapped with no way out,
and the guilt if you don’t do it. But I was doing it. To
say it was amazing is an understatement, after being
virtually housebound not three months before.
As to what followed and everything that Stephen said
and taught me and showed me to quieten the voices
down and ‘cure’ me of the ‘OCD’, it’s all in the email
dialogue. And Stephen’s introduction, so I won’t go
into any more detail here, but let you read it for
yourselves.

The voices and when I realized my

world was very different from the world
of other people around me
The next bit is my story from when I was little. We
think it may be useful to show that no matter how
chronic or loud the voices are (and they dominated
and ran my life), this method works.
I’d had the loud voices for as long as I can remember.
I was about four years old the first time I can recall
hearing them. My father was very ill for most of my
childhood, so I relied on my mother totally. I felt very
insecure. I was terrified of being abandoned and
being left alone. But I was convinced as long as I did
what the voices told me, everything would be all
right: my father wouldn’t die and my mother
wouldn’t disappear.
To start, it consisted of doing things like walking
round certain things, touching things, opening and
closing cupboard doors and things a certain number
of times until the voices said it was OK. I also had an
invisible string attached to my mother so I would
never lose her–I used to worry about it getting
tangled up, if I didn’t go back the way I had come
round objects, or places, or anything, so I always had
to make sure I retraced my steps, which was quite
difficult sometimes. I was so terrified she’d disappear.
I recall she often used to say she would, or else kill
herself, if we (my brother and sister and I) weren’t
better behaved. I used to ask her to stay at the school
gates while I was in school, so I knew she was close
by. I knew she didn’t, as she was never there at
playtime, and it was a very unrealistic thing to ask, I
know. I remember realizing that then, and I don’t
think I even expected her to, but when I asked her
she used to say she was just around the corner. And
even just pretending she was helped somehow. It was
like a game.
When I was seven I was moved to a private convent
school. This is where the voices got really loud. It was
very strict and daunting. Being a Catholic I had to go
to mass every Friday and confession every week. For a
seven-year-old to be told she’d go to hell if she told a
lie, or worse, missed mass just once, was very scary.
And we were told in no uncertain terms what hell was
like. I was also bullied. Along with what the nuns
used to say, my time at this school was terrifying.
From then on the voices got louder still. At this time
my mother used to work during the day, and the
voices told me that I had to go and make sure she was
still there at lunchtime, and that if I didn’t she
wouldn’t be at home when I got back. So I used to
skip out of school at lunchtime and go to where she
worked. It was a walk and a bus ride away, and a rush
to get there and back in an hour. She used to
understandably get very angry with me.
Drugged up at seven
Eventually, because the voices were very loud and I
had so many rituals and was so unsettled and
wouldn’t stay at school, my mum took me to the
doctors. He prescribed Phenobarbitone and said I
had to see a psychiatrist. So from the age of seven I
took a pill daily and saw the psychiatrist once a week.
This went on for seven years.
I had a brother and still have a sister, but they were
five and seven years older than me. And it was always
them together, with my sister looking after my
brother when he was little and being a ‘mum’ to him,
as my mum didn’t take very much notice of them, and
then me and mum. She used to leave them alone a
lot. Often she went out and they were left to look
after me too, but I always felt they didn’t want to and
that they didn’t like me.
The other notable aspect of my childhood was having
to visit my father in various hospitals after school for
what I remember as being most days. I hated it. The
doctors and nurses scared me – they were very nice,
but I had the feeling they were going to keep me
there as well. And it never seemed to make my dad
better. He’d come home for a while and go to work
again, then get ill again, often in the night, and go
back to hospital.
When I was twelve I was put on Valium. I was still
doing the weekly excursions to the psychiatrist. Then
my father was told that he didn’t have long to live,
but that he’d live longer if we moved out of London to
cleaner air. So, when I was thirteen we moved away
down to Devon. My brother and sister stayed in
London.
In January 1967 I started at a new convent school.
Even though I was halfway through the second year
of secondary school when I left London, I was put up
into the third year because of my age. This affected
how I was treated at school, as I was the youngest and
also couldn’t do the work because I’d missed a whole
year. It was even more of a depressing and scary place
than the last one. I tried to make friends with the
other girls, but they didn’t want to know me and
ignored me, or they told me to go away or called me
names, told me I was thick or stupid, or did other
things that embarrassed or upset me. After one term
I was put down into the lower stream because I
couldn’t do the work, not to mention the fact that I
hadn’t been there much anyway - I often used to miss
the afternoon of school, or get back late. This
contributed to being called thick and not being worth
talking to, as I never had anything useful to say.
That’s what I was told, anyway. The nuns were very
frightening and demeaning. The voices told me I had
to go home every lunchtime again to check on my
mother and make sure she was still there. We weren’t
really allowed to go out, and once a nun jumped out
at me from some coats in the cloakroom I had to go
through. It was as if she’d been hiding, lying in wait
for me. She told me what a burden I was on my
mother. She frightened me so much, I ran off. But I
still had to go and check on my mother. The voices
told me to, and I always had to do what they said. I
couldn’t have coped with not doing it. I would get
into the most terrible panic if anyone ever tried to
stop me. I can remember my heart pounding as I ran
down the slope to reach the school gates. I usually
got back to school late and would be called up by the
teacher in front of the whole class, asking me where
I’d been and generally embarrassing me.
The voices were as loud as ever. They wouldn’t leave
me alone. They used to send me into uncontrollable
panics. I’d go hysterical over a particular random
thing. I would argue with them out loud, telling them
to go away, but they never did. The voices would tell
me something bad was going to happen because of
me and something I’d done or not done. I’d try
desperately to sort it out–to do whatever the voices
said, so the bad thing wouldn’t happen.
Going it alone
I was still taking the Valium daily and had transferred
to a new psychiatrist. I hated going to the
psychiatrist; none of them understood about the
voices at all. They never asked the right questions. I
had a lot I could have said if only they’d asked, but
they clearly didn’t understand about the voices.
Everything they said was simply irrelevant and didn’t
help at all. So I decided I didn’t want to see them
anymore. By this time, I was fourteen and a half, and
I decided I didn’t want to take the Valium anymore
either. It wasn’t giving I felt, but the opposite: I must
have suddenly found some strength inside me that
was taking over. My mother was very cross and it
must have been very worrying for her. I don’t think
she knew what to do with me.
During this time one of the things that got me
through was being with horses. I felt an affinity with
them. I used to spend whenever I could at the local
stables. My favorite pony was called Whirly – he was a
bit wild, but I loved the challenge; it was such a
wonderful freeing feeling just galloping on him
across the fields. The only thing was the other
children picked on me there too. I used to be called
‘Yvonne the plank’, as in thick, and other names.
Sometimes I took a long time to do things like
sweeping the yard because the voices would tell me I
had to make sure I swept up every bit of straw, and I
used to have to check things lots of times.
The term before I left school I finally made friends
with a girl who was unhappy as her parents were
away and we got chatting. So that felt quite good for a
short while. She used to run away from me if she saw
me coming and not talk to me, but suddenly she did.
At fifteen and a half, I left school. The bullying
carried on when I went to work. I’d try and join in
with the other girls in the office because I always
wanted to be friends, but they wouldn’t talk to me
and said ‘little girls should be seen and not heard’
and similar, so it felt very lonely and I wondered what
I did wrong all the time. I was sacked after only a few
months. The bullying happened in the following jobs
too.
Then things took a turn for the better for a while. My
friend from school and I got together again and
started going to the local youth club and met boys. I
was sixteen then. I didn’t know how to relate to them
at all, though, as I’d been to all-girls schools and was
very shy. Then a boy asked me out. He was very nice
and I liked him and could talk to him. But then he
told me his mother had died and the voices told me
that if I kept going out with him my mother would
die too, so I ended it. I was too frightened not to, just
in case. I always had to do what the voices said.
When I was eighteen I went out with a boy who after
only a few months asked me to marry him. He said
he’d been let down by a girl once before and he didn’t
want that to happen to him again. So after he said
that, even though I knew I didn’t love him, I agreed. I
didn’t like to make anyone unhappy, and I was
frightened of conflict and saying no and letting him
down. After we married, he used to go out and get
drunk frequently. He’d then seem to lose control of
his functions and he did very unpleasant things that I
found very difficult to deal with, especially as, when
we talked about it afterwards, he didn’t think there
was anything wrong with what he did. I managed to
leave after just six months.
Things got better for a while. The voices quietened
down and I’d met up with my old school friend.
Before long we’d met some boys and there was a little
group of us, and I think I can say that this was the
first time in my life where I felt I was me. I was
accepted – people seemed to want to be with me for
me, they liked me and I began to like myself. I had
fun. It was a very good time. It lasted about a year
before things changed again.
Change
At twenty-four I remarried and moved 600 miles away
from my home. And now the voices and fears had
also come back in a big way. After my first child was
born the OCD and voices became even worse. I saw
germs everywhere and nothing would stay clean. I
thought my baby would die because I’d been careless.
I would clean the sofa with disinfectant if anyone sat
on it. It took ages to wash her clothes. I didn’t trust
the washing machine to clean them properly, so I
washed them by hand. Then I’d pick them up and
often the voices would tell me my hands weren’t
clean enough and I had to wash them again–this
happened constantly. I would disinfect door handles
and light switches, worktops, etc., continuously. I
would avoid anywhere busy and barely went out at
all, which made me feel very isolated. It was
exhausting.
By the time my second child came along, the OCD
had eased off a little. The voices and OCD came and
went to varying degrees while my children were
growing up. However, I didn’t feel at all secure in
myself or trust myself to be able to do anything right.
I believed I always got things wrong, no matter how
hard I tried, and always had to ask if it was OK if I did
or didn’t do something.
During this time, I managed to qualify as a riding
instructor – it was wonderful to be around horses
again and always made me feel better. Not long after
my fourth child was born, however, I got what would
probably be called now by the medical profession ME
(post-viral fatigue syndrome) or something similar.
Suddenly I could hardly do anything at all. I was
constantly breathless and exhausted. Speaking was a
big effort and I was often unable to do so at all, and
could only walk a few feet at a time, sometimes not at
all. People weren’t very aware of this sort of illness
back then and there were no physical symptoms to
see – rather like the OCD in fact – and so I didn’t get
much at all by way of support and was called lazy and
told that I just needed to get fit, and that I was
imagining it all.
This contributed to feeling worse than worthless, and
along with the voices and ‘OCD’ day-to-day living
became very hard for me. I found it extremely
difficult to manage. I saw a doctor again, another one
who wanted me to take drugs and referred me to a
psychologist. I didn’t take the drugs and the
psychologist didn’t help at all. He only attempted to
treat the panic attacks I was having. He didn’t refer to
the voices or OCD at all. He simply showed me how a
panic attack went and said to go with it to the worst
point and once I saw that I didn’t die I would see that
there was nothing to be frightened of. Then the panic
attacks would dissipate. The problem was that I
wasn’t worried about the panic attacks, or myself
dying; I knew they wouldn’t kill me, anyway. I knew
I’d always come out the other side of them. I always
did. What scared me was life in general and all my
fears, taken out of all proportion by the voices, which
caused me to have the panic attacks, because of the
fear of hurting others. So I only went to a few
sessions. Things carried on much the same, with the
voices loud and less loud over the years. Sometimes
when the OCD grabbed me, I was able to distract
myself with something. Sometimes I could do this,
not always. This time the OCD wasn’t stopping me
from going out, but the voices were tormenting me in
many other ways. So it was very much a terrible
feeling, but a need to do something. So I managed to
get into university and got a law degree, and then
worked as a researcher and teacher at the university
for a bit. This helped my self-worth while I was there.
And gradually the ME eased off and I could lead a
more normal life at least physically again.
Once the children left home, the voices and OCD
came back much louder again. I felt this time I
needed to do something totally different to help cope
with it. I decided I wanted to train as a professional
actress. I’d had a feeling I wanted to be an actress on
and off for a long time. My eldest daughter was
already in London, so this made it much easier for me
to do, knowing she would also be there. While I was
at drama school the voices quietened down again and
the OCD faded again for a bit, and I felt OK again for
a while and that I might be worth something again.
The teachers were very encouraging and supportive.
Contamination, responsibility and rumination OCD
The good feeling didn’t last. After I left there nine
months later, the OCD came back in a very big way
and I felt worthless and useless again. The
destructive voices became so much louder. This time
they manifested in many different forms –
contamination, responsibility, and also severe
rumination OCD. Rumination OCD, as you may
know, is where the voices tell you that you’ve either
done or not done something bad, or something bad
has happened because of you (although there are
variations on the theme). You try and resolve it and
‘work it out’, but you can’t–you get into a loop in your
head that just goes round and round and drives you
mad. The torment is truly terrible.
I felt as if I was going completely mad during this
time. I couldn’t trust myself at all. I kept thinking I’d
done something bad, and I couldn’t convince myself I
hadn’t. It got so that I used to surreptitiously record
situations so that I could watch them back to see if I’d
done or hadn’t done things the voices kept telling me
I had – just to hear it, even if there was no picture. I
didn’t trust myself or my judgment at all. I would
have to go over and over it in my head, but it never
got resolved. I thought I was doing ‘bad’ things I
couldn’t remember doing even though I didn’t want
to. I would eventually convince myself that I hadn’t
done what they said. But that would only last about
ten minutes at most. Then the voices would come
back and it would start all over again and I had to try
and work it out again. And the panic at the thought
that I might have done something wrong was
extremely severe.
The rumination over a particular thing could go on
for weeks. It was so tiring and debilitating, and it
nearly drove me mad. There was no escape except
when I slept, which was broken because of it, and I
had nightmares in any case, so it felt like there was no
respite. I went to the doctor again for help. He
referred me to a psychiatrist again, who in turn
referred me to a psychologist. It was the same story in
that it didn’t help. I couldn’t tell them what would
help, of course, as I didn’t know myself. All I know is
that whatever they said didn’t help. The doctor also
prescribed drugs again, but I didn’t take them; I
promised myself at fourteen that I never would again
and I never have, despite being prescribed them
many times. I knew they would only mask the
symptoms and I never felt they really helped anyway.
Or maybe they did and I would have been even worse
as a child if I hadn’t taken them, I don’t know. I’ve
sometimes been very tempted since, though, and
almost have, to see if they would take away the pain
and torment of what I was feeling. It’s felt so
unbearable and I’ve almost not managed to stay with
it many times, the night I found Barefoot being the
worst.
I would continually keep asking my children for
reassurance that I had or hadn’t done something and
they’d often try and reassure me. But sometimes they
quite rightly got worried or annoyed by my saying
ridiculous things. And I knew really that most of the
time they wouldn’t know anyway, as they weren’t
there. I just wanted someone to tell me that I hadn’t
done the terrible things the voices said I had, or that
the thing the voices were telling me had happened
hadn’t. It sometimes helped it to ease off for a little
while if I did get some reassurance. But then it would
come back. And I used to annoy them by keeping on
asking. They persuaded me to go to the doctor again
to get help. He referred me to a psychiatrist again. I
only went once, and almost didn’t make that. It was in
a medical center, which was another problem: there
were more germs in places like that, so it was even
harder to go there. They also frightened me (and still
do) as places I might not come out of, that I’d get
trapped in there and they wouldn’t let me out.
There were several times through this period when I
felt I couldn’t go on. I remember about seven years
ago standing at the side of the canal. I felt I couldn’t
deal with the tormenting voices any longer. I just
wanted them to go away and I was so frightened of
what they said I’d done and I couldn’t deal with it. I
really didn’t want to have done it, but they said I had
and I couldn’t make them go away or convince myself
I hadn’t. I was on the verge of jumping in, and I kept
going over and over things in my head when my
phone rang. It was my daughter. She sounded happy
and wanted to tell me about what she’d been doing.
The moment passed. And her ringing made me
realize that my children were excited to tell me things
and that perhaps they did need me still and I wasn’t
such a nuisance that they would rather I wasn’t
around. The timing was quite remarkable too. I didn’t
tell her what I’d been about to do.
Just in case
I was managing to carry on with life, mostly. If you
didn’t know me, you might not think anything was
wrong. I tried to hide what I did in the way of OCD-
type behavior from people and not talk to the voices
out loud in public, doing my best to appear ‘normal’.
I used to get through about three bottles of
disinfectant and half a dozen packs of disinfectant
wipes every week. Door handles, light switches and
lots of things had to be wiped continuously, and I had
to wash my hands constantly and disinfect them–with
bleach for a while, but gradually I managed to go
down to a milder disinfectant. I almost drank bleach
once; my mouth felt dirty and I couldn’t get it clean. I
put the bottle to my mouth, but managed to stop
myself and just kept washing my mouth with soap for
ages instead. I never wanted to touch food anyone
would eat in case I made them ill.
The other thing I didn’t trust myself to do was look
after my grandchildren. If I had them alone for a
second the voices would tell me they’d swallowed
pills, or bumped their head, or eaten something they
shouldn’t have. A few times when I was left alone
with them I worried my children by saying I thought
they might have swallowed some paracetamol. The
voices said I had to tell them, just in case. It was
always just in case. I knew they couldn’t have, really.
But the voices wouldn’t leave me alone and
tormented me and panicked me so much, I had to
‘warn’ them. Then they’d understandably get annoyed
with me for worrying them unnecessarily, and I’d go
over and over the situation trying to work out that
they couldn’t have got them. It used to take ages and
was so exhausting, and I couldn’t do anything else
while I was trying to work it out.
I felt like I was a very bad mother. I didn’t want to see
my children or grandchildren, and I certainly didn’t
want to look after them in case I hurt them somehow.
I dreaded every day in case I got a phone call or text
asking me to meet them. I really didn’t want to. I
thought that as long as I didn’t see them they were
safe. I was terrified that something bad would
happen and it would be my fault for being careless. I
remember I worried about a particular situation, that
my grandson had swallowed a button off my bag, for
about six weeks relentlessly. It wouldn’t go away.
Every day as soon as I woke up the voices would
incessantly make me go over and over the scene in
my head, and I constantly tried to visualize whether
he had. I also dreamt about it. There was no respite.
It was utter torment.
Then, about three years ago, I began to not want to be
near people at all in case I caught germs and gave
them to my family. I would barely leave the house,
and if I did venture out to the local shop, I’d have to
change all my clothes and shower when I got back
before I sat down, or touched anything, or did
anything else. And I wouldn’t let people in at all if I
could avoid it. I lived with other members of my
family, so sometimes that was difficult.
My family was very concerned and kept trying to get
me to get help again, but I didn’t want to have to go
out and see someone, so eventually I found an online
trial program for ‘curing’ OCD. It was a CBT-based
one. It consisted of listing everything that triggered
my OCD and stating which particular ‘trigger ’ I was
going to tackle at a particular time. So I’d write ‘light
switches’ down, for example, and then have to touch
them and not wash my hands for up to an hour–a
typical CBT/ERP ‘treatment’. The idea was to keep
repeating this ‘trigger ’ until the anxiety over it
decreased because nothing bad had happened. I
would follow these steps, just sitting still without
touching anything, in case I contaminated it, until I
could wash my hands. So it didn’t do any good as I
never touched anything to ‘spread the germs’ to
gradually prove the idea that nothing bad would
happen when I had. And it was no good for my big
triggers like going out and catching germs, or letting
people in the house, or being alone with someone, or
thinking I’d run someone over if I did go out in the
car. So the online training program didn’t help.
Meanwhile, the OCD was increasing in its severity
and the voices were so incredibly loud. And I didn’t
trust myself at all. I never believed I’d done or not
done either something harmful to someone or
something ‘bad’ that I shouldn’t do. It was as if I was
starting to completely lose touch with reality, or my
perceived reality, anyway.
Drugs and Tea
On my family’s persistence I eventually went to see a
doctor again who prescribed drugs again and referred
me to yet another psychologist. I got the prescription
filled out this time and had the drugs in my hand, but
still didn’t take them. I did go to the psychologist,
though, as my family was saying I really had to and to
give it a try. It was very difficult and traumatic going
each week. I used to hold my breath as much as
possible and not touch anything. She attempted to
treat me with the CBT with ERP again. She wanted my
family to come along sometimes as well so she could
tell them how to behave with me at home. Once my
daughter came and she made me make a cup of tea
for her. I had to handle the teabag (she let me wash
my hands first). I can picture it now so vividly. It felt
like torture. I did what she told me and my daughter
started to drink it. But I was getting more and more
panicky over it. Eventually I couldn’t take it any
longer. I pleaded with her not to drink it anymore.
The psychologist was telling her to drink it still, and
smiling in what felt like a not very nice way. The
whole thing felt so horrible. Eventually I tried to take
the tea away from my daughter and she stopped
drinking it.
The psychologist also gave me ‘homework’: I had to
make tea for everyone without using something to
pick up the teabags and not wash my hands at certain
times; this was seen as a minor thing and so would be
the least anxiety-causing, and thus supposedly the
easiest to tackle before I went onto the bigger
triggers. I couldn’t do it, though. I saw her about four
or five times. The last time I saw her I felt she
ridiculed my situation with what I thought was a very
bad joke and I couldn’t do what she said during the
week anyway.
This was of course typical CBT/ERP therapy, which in
my view is very scary and exhausting. And when you
don’t do it, it makes you feel worse about yourself
that you’ve failed again. My family was annoyed with
me for stopping, but they were also still very
supportive and tried to be understanding. I know it
was very hard for them.
Things went on like this. I still went out occasionally
and tried to avoid people, but always felt awful for
days afterwards. Then I found someone online who
offered OCD help by phone. So I decided to give this
a go. I spoke to her several times. She’d actually
experienced OCD and so had more of an
understanding of it. It was good to talk about it, and
just being able to do that was quite a relief and
helpful for a while. But she also advocated CBT with
ERP as treatment, and after a few introductory phone
calls tried to get me to do this again. I was given
‘homework’ in the same way as before, and also she
wouldn’t reassure me at all. If I asked anything about
whether what I was doing was OK, she said I had to
take responsibility for it, and she couldn’t reassure
me. I couldn’t do the CBT, the voices wouldn’t let me
risk it. It was torment if I tried. And I did try. But if I
had managed to maybe touch something without
washing my hands, it never got better, only worse.
The voices would relentlessly say something bad
would happen because of it for a long time afterwards
and panic me terribly. I couldn’t do it, just in case. My
family was too important to me to risk it. After a
short while I stopped the phone calls.
By this time my family wanted me to go to a
residential clinic. But I didn’t want to, as that would
mean being with other people–I was terrified of that –
and also for what they might make me do, especially
the exposure thing. I began to be terrified that they
would just take me there against my will. They also
tried to talk me into taking drugs at this point again.
They said things couldn’t go on as they were and
something had to be done.
I nearly gave in. I knew they were right. I was almost
impossible to live with. My strength had gone
completely. I couldn’t fight anymore. And I really
didn’t want to live anymore. That was the night I
found Stephen.
Miracles and healing
That I’m here now writing this feels quite incredible.
They say that you should never give up hope, that at
the darkest hour the light is just around the corner,
and they’re right. Sometimes it feels as if it can’t get
any darker, then it does. But your Tao, and the angels,
or whatever you might perceive to be around–if you
listen to them, will intervene when they need to.
Stephen says there’s a saying that our souls will never
let us take more than we can bear. I’d never have
believed a year ago that I would have hope again and
have my life back.
Our intention in writing this is that you’ll be able to
extract all the ways of looking at things and yourself,
and along with all the process Stephen describes, by
applying these techniques, the controlling destructive
voices will quieten down, and along with that the
OCD will simply disappear and you too will get your
life back. The process isn’t always easy. The way of
healing is not easy. It takes courage and faith and
trust. You could call it trust in the Tao and the angels,
or whatever you might feel is around in the ether
guiding you. The reward of not giving in and trusting
and finding your inner strength and courage (and
most importantly, self-worth), which have been
depleted, and in so doing quietening the destructive
voices down–that reward is immeasurable.
I just want to add here that when Stephen or I talk
about angels we don’t mean in the ‘God’ sense angels
are usually described, but angels in the general sense
of some spirit, or being, or energy, i.e. ultimately it
could be said that it all comes back to the Tao itself.
But it doesn’t matter if you believe it or not. It’s the
belief and trust in yourself that counts, and in my
experience these qualities have been severely
depleted in those who have OCD.
There were periods that were very hard to get
through, when I had to build these qualities up. I had
to be extremely disciplined with myself at times and
it often felt like an extremely steep learning curve.
But it was all necessary, and I always came out of it
stronger and knowing I was progressing with my
healing and able to do more each time. And
everything I went through, even though very
challenging at times, was still so much easier to deal
with than the CBT therapy, and in my experience, this
way works.
And here I am now. I’m going out, looking after my
grandchildren, and dancing and singing again, both
of which I’ve always loved. The destructive voices
have quietened right down. I no longer have the
rumination where the thoughts keep going round
and round with no resolution, which for me was the
worst part. The way that just stopped was truly like
magic. As I’ve briefly mentioned already, I’ve realized
that along with integrating the aspect(s) of us that
have been left behind and dropping back from all the
noise, what makes the responsibility side of OCD go
away is belief and trust in yourself. Once you build
these factors up, the more you believe you’re OK, the
more the thoughts that what you do will cause
someone to be hurt go away–because you trust
yourself.
The last aspect, trusting yourself and self-belief, in
my experience takes the longest to build up–it will
depend of course on your life experiences and how
long you’ve felt useless, worthless, been bullied, put
down and so on (if indeed you do feel that way). It
cannot be rushed, but is also absolutely crucial to the
healing.
Self-belief
Having been dealing with the loud voices and OCD
for as long as I can remember, the above are all
reasons CBT with ERP doesn’t work for most people –
it certainly never worked for me, and was in fact
absolute torment being treated in that way, and it
undermined my self-worth even more when I
couldn’t do it. For me, the ability to trust myself was
tied in with the insecure, vulnerable child voice
within me. As my self-belief grew so this voice
quietened down, knowing it could trust me. It is
totally amazing and wonderful, and truly like magic
the way it all happens.
Alongside this, crucially, I also know it’s OK to be
scared and not to fight it, but to go with it and ride
the fear. This makes such a difference, not fighting it.
And gradually the fear loses its hold–as soon as
you’re not frightened of the fear and you face it, it
diminishes.
I’m still not totally healed, but then, I know that no
one is; it’s a life-long process we’re all going through.
I still have some quirks and I know I’m a bit different
from many people, but no one’s perfect, nor needs to
be. I still hear the voices, but they’re much quieter
now and not destructive like they used to be, and
they don’t scare me anymore. Any compulsions I still
have are negligible and not really noticeable in day-
to-day life and don’t prevent me from enjoying life to
the fullest now–both the good and bad aspects. I
know there will always be those and it’s about riding
the waves and going with the flow and not resisting.
And everyone has little rituals and things they do
anyway. And I’m accepting of me as I am now. This in
turn somehow encourages others to accept me more.
Some people just hear the noise a lot louder than
others for one reason or another and it gets a bit too
much to bear. And thanks to the amazing insight,
love, wisdom, kindness and magic of Stephen and all
the tools and the Taoist method he’s taught me,
including daily meditation, tai chi and qigong, I’m
healing more each day and it’s a lot quieter now. For
the first time, the voices and OCD don’t rule my life
anymore.
But you do have to have faith in the process and
simply follow it without judgment. You have to trust
it completely. And so importantly, it’s so very much
kinder than CBT with ERP and, as I say, nothing
before had ever worked for me, but this did and I
truly believe it will work for anyone.
My wish for you is very much that if you’ve lost hope
this book will help you find it again. You’re not alone
and you never will be, no matter how much you think
you are. First, there’s the Tao within all of us, which
ultimately, however you want to describe it, comes
down to our own inner strength, our core selves, and
that will help us if we tune into it.
And once we learn how to drop back and watch the
show, as it were, it becomes much easier. There are
times when this is extremely hard to do. But the more
we practice it, the easier it gets. And if you’re really
struggling and just can’t find that strength to do it,
there will always be someone out there to help you
get through if you ask hard and long enough. So
never give up. You’re special and unique and are here
for a purpose, even if you can’t see it right now. That’s
what I’ve learned, and just as importantly, it’s OK to
be different and not to be perfect.
As I write this I’m sitting in a café in New York. Less
than eight months ago, I would barely leave the
house.
The email dialogue in this book will take you on the
journey with us. It’s a very personal account of how I
felt at each stage, and our email exchange constituted
a sort of therapy procedure for me. Stephen and I
believe reporting it in this way, rather than
attempting to recount it in the past tense, will enable
you to relate better to what was happening at each
stage, and in so doing, allow you to use it yourself to
quieten the destructive voices and get your life back.
And it’s a question of finding that person within, the
person we truly are and have simply lost along the
way
 Help at Last
As soon as you start accepting what you've been
experiencing going on in you as ordinary and meant to be,
rather than questioning, fighting, and resisting it, the
condition starts spontaneously dissolving itself.
Chapter 1: The Beginning of the Journey
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, not sure if you can help. I’ve just become
a member [of the BD site] and the whole ethos of
what you do and advocate is amazing. My question is,
I suffer from severe OCD and have tried CBT with
ERP with and without therapists a number of times,
and am learning meditation. However, whatever I do,
I can't seem to get free of the prison and torment in
my mind, voices that keep telling me to do or not do
things, and it’s so very loud. I wondered if you had
any ideas or thoughts at all that could help me? It's
ruining my life. Thanks for any time and help you can
give in replying. I'm already trying to put into
practice everything you say on your website. Thanks,
Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, you're very kind to say, thank you. The key
to it consists in thinking from a different place inside
– psycho-spatial repositioning (PR) – I’ll show you
how. My hunch is six weeks practicing the method
will have you firmly on the road to having command
of your mind. Sound sound? Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, that sounds fantastic. It would be so
wonderful if it worked. I was losing hope as I keep
trying to get better and make a bit of progress, but
then fail and despair and it torments me so much and
is also ruining my relationships with my family. It’s so
hard and feels so lonely. When I found your website I
didn't know where to turn. I now have new hope.
Thank you again. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, don't fret, we'll get it to work however
long it takes – I use this method with the patients at
the mental health center diagnosed as dangerous
psychotics and it works fast enough and well enough
with them. Indeed, it even works for me and I've one
of the unruliest minds in history–so have faith. It cuts
through the internal noise no matter what's causing it
and brings you back to the magnificent being you
really are beneath all the interference – once you get
it you'll realize it's all so simple. I call it ‘The Method’.
The way is to let yourself sink into your back. It's
what martial artists do because it enables the full
bodyweight to be brought to bear on each punch or
kick and hence requires very little muscular strength
to be an effective fighter. It also changes the
experience of being under duress. The front part of
you is where all the drama goes on–all the noise
associated with the stories you tell yourself (in the
prefrontal lobes) and all the feelings these elicit (in
the solar plexus). With practice the drama in the front
is seen and felt as just that and no longer as ‘you’
while the ‘you’ now sits in the back bearing witness
impartially. In practice we oscillate between the two
but over time the back position becomes the default.
Once this starts happening you're able to remain in
command of the front-based drama rather than vice
versa–you become the dog wagging its tail rather
than the tail wagging the dog. Additionally, if you
picture the hurdle ahead of you, the initial
challenging stage of your healing process, as, say, a
mountain range, and frequently picture yourself
jumping right over it, it tends to do wonders in terms
of expediting the process. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, thank you for all that, it sounds
wonderful. I feel like I’ve got some hope again to get
through this now. And I don’t feel so alone. I’ll try
and do that and visualize the hurdle ahead as a
mountain range too. Thank you! Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
That's wonderful news. The big thing is that sinking
into the back–do you feel it? Love, Stephen
Yvonne
I’m actually finding it hard. Is there any kind of
technique I could use that would help me do it? Love,
Yvonne
Stephen
It’s one of those things that once you’ve got it you
realize you could do it all the time. It’s like if I said to
you can you feel your right elbow from the inside I’m
sure you probably could, and if I said keep feeling
your right elbow no matter what else you do today,
with a bit of practice you probably could do it most of
the time. Well, this is the same, but with your back.
You see, because your sense organs face forwards you
perceive life as occurring in front of you. And
because life is so riveting, fascinating and exacting
you unconsciously lean forwards inside to get a closer
handle on it, and this happens at an early age and we
tend to get stuck there. The disadvantage of this is
that the front of your body and brain, as
environments go, is relatively rather noisy with
conflicting emotions and thoughts, not to mention all
the physical sounds of the body that go on in the
front (peristaltic motion, heartbeat, lungs/breathing
sound). But it’s also relatively vulnerable and hence
insecure compared to the back, thus when you’re in
the front exclusively you acquire these qualities–
noise, tension, vulnerability, weakness–and moreover
you become enmeshed with, and hence identified
with, what I call ‘the drama of being you’. In your
case, at least until now, this drama comprises these
pernicious voices and your struggle to negotiate with
them. However, when you learn to sit in your back
instead this noise and drama is something you
witness from behind, as it were, and hence attain
psychological distance from it. And this very act of
observation and dis-identification reduces and
eventually removes the compelling quality of the
drama.
In many ways you could say this will provide the
basis of all the work we’re going to do together on
this. So saying, try the following as a technique–
imagine you could breathe in simultaneously through
all the pores of your skin throughout the front of your
torso, throat and face. This gives the impression of
breathing in a wall of air as it were from the front of
you into the back of you. You then let the imaginary
movement of this wall of air into the back remind you
to take occupancy of your back. Then when you
exhale you visualize that you’re breathing out
through all the pores in the front simultaneously and
allow the forward movement breath to thrust you
back further into your back, so to speak, just as when
taking off in a plane the accelerating forward motion
thrusts you back in your seat with g-force. Try that for
starters, say nine breath cycles three times today, and
then get back to me and let me know if it worked for
you. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, I’ve done all that and yes it did. I
managed it and was completely amazed at how it
settled me and quietened my mind, even though it
only lasted a second or two. It was wonderful. And I
had an overwhelming feeling of happiness and relief.
Love, Yvonne

[Yvo – it was quite an amazing feeling, even if it was only

very brief–the loud voices in my head quietened right
down. It felt so wonderful after so long with their being
relentless and constant every waking moment. It was only
momentary and didn’t last, but it showed the power of
‘The Method’ that it could do that, however briefly, when
they were so loud.]

Barefoot
That's brilliant, yes, as soon as we drop back, the
drama of being us (for you it's been characterized by
OCD) falls away, and we don't even have to go into it
and fix it anymore because we can see it was all just a
story we deftly constructed in the first place. The trick
is to keep doing it as frequently as possible, but by
and by it gets more natural, and as it does peace takes
over. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you. Yes, I’ll keep doing it. I wake up each
morning with a panicked feeling worrying about
what's going to happen today and if I'm going to
upset my family by not wanting to spend time with
them in case I'm ill and I don't want to make them ill.
I'm frightened that everything I do is wrong and I'll
hurt them because I'm not careful or thoughtful
enough. So getting away from the torment and the
voices telling me all that even for a split second is a
wonderful feeling. Although part of me feels a bit
worried to let go, as if this OCD is making sure I
don't do anything bad or make mistakes. I think I
need to trust myself, and I don't at all. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Well spotted, that feeling of being afraid to let go as if
we're obliged to suffer all the time (which we're not) –
and by and by, maybe, maybe, once the trust in that
process grows, perhaps you might go through what I
call a ‘so what’ process wherein you let your negative
imaginings run wild and picture the worst that could
possibly happen and keep saying ‘So what?’ until you
mean it, implying a trust in the Tao of Yvonne
(Yvonne's God, guardian angel, or destiny) to take
care of Yvonne regardless. But the key is to remember
to keep giving yourself wee breaks from the drama of
being Yvonne by dropping backwards within, as it's
deeply healing and allows things to resolve
themselves more easily than when we meddle. Love,
Stephen

[Yvo – I had a bit of trouble doing the ‘so what’ process as

I already imagined the worst that could happen
constantly: someone dying, usually someone close to me,
and that it would be my fault because I hadn’t been
careful enough. It’s what the voices always told me would
happen if I didn’t do what they said. So at this time I
couldn’t follow it to its conclusion, as that to me meant,
‘So what if someone close to me died if I didn’t listen and
do what the voices told me?’ I think the key word is trust
– Stephen says that once the trust in the Tao of me grows
I’ll be able to let go, and at this stage I didn’t trust any
single part of me at all. So I didn’t trust that the Tao of
me would take care of me and also that I wouldn’t harm
my family.]

Yvonne
Hi Stephen, I’m actually finding it quite difficult to
drop back again. I have trouble quietening my mind.
It’s so loud with the voices telling me bad things will
happen all the time if I don’t do what they say. I had a
big upset on Saturday because of what they told me
and it felt so horrible and I couldn’t get out of it. I
know I need to keep things in perspective and I want
to be able to bring in your teaching and techniques
whenever I feel like that so I can diffuse it before it
takes hold. I failed miserably so disappointed myself
terribly.
Thanks for listening and caring. It’s so good to know
I’m not alone anymore. Love, Yvonne

[Yvo – after being able to drop back for brief moments at a

time the first few times, I was now finding it difficult. The
voices wouldn’t let me, or more precisely, I wouldn’t let go
as I was frightened not to listen to them, and if I was in
the back I’d be worried I wouldn’t hear what they were
saying I had to do, or not do properly, and I was worried I
might miss something and my family might have been
hurt because of it.]
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, be easy on yourself. These so-called
failures are an essential aspect of the learning/healing
process–there can be no progress without them, so
welcome them when they happen as you know it's
leading you faster along the road. Being human we all
mess things up a bit–it's all a big game and the more
fun we allow ourselves playing it, the better we tend
to do. You're making great progress already by taking
the training on so responsibly, and the impetus to do
so derives from the pain of the family constellation,
so good to start mentally thanking that situation for
giving you the drive to seek liberation like this.
Loving the situation is the fastest way to transcend it.
It's a process that takes time and goes this way and
that. But by and by the natural state of peace and
integrity of being that is your birthright will be yours
(it is now, but it takes a bit of application for the old
habits to simmer down). Main thing though,
meanwhile, is the dropping back (again and again).
Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, thank you so much for all your
encouragement and everything you say. It’s helping
so much and I’m trying to treat it all as a big game.
And I’m definitely better than I was already, much
calmer. I’m still having trouble dropping back
though. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, I’m so delighted to hear it’s helping. With
the back, here’s another way of feeling it: start by
pushing back into your shoulder blades – get familiar
with feeling them a bit. Imagine a big pair of angel
wings attached to them perhaps. Spend a few days
with that. Just feel them, don't worry about getting
your presence back there for now. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you, I will. Yes, it’s helping so much. I haven’t
had a big panic for over a week now. It would be so
wonderful to be free of the OCD, which pretty much
ruins my life. I’d love to hold my grandson, which I
can’t do right now as the voices say I’ll either make
him ill, or inadvertently give him something he
shouldn’t have, or something. It makes me so sad,
guilty and stressed. I’m now visualizing holding him
and playing with him for a few seconds at a time. I
hope I can do that one day, and not feel the fear every
time my daughter wants to meet. I just feel they’re
safe as long as I don’t see them. I’m definitely better
than I was, though. With the dropping back, I’ve been
doing lots of pushing back into my shoulder blades
successfully. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne. I'm astonished you're a grandma – that's
wonderful–you have a youthful spirit. And wonderful
you're starting to feel the back now. Next is to focus
on your sacrum and rear pelvic bones for three days
or so.
With the visualization don’t waste energy convincing
yourself, just picture it. You’re doing brilliantly. Love,
Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, thank you. Yes, I’ll just picture it. I
actually went out and met all my family yesterday,
which was a very big thing for me to do and was very
scary. I wouldn’t have done that at all a couple of
weeks ago. Just having your support and
understanding and knowing I’m not alone and the
dropping back that I have been managing is helping
so much, it’s quite amazing. I still feel the fear when a
text or phone call comes in, in case they want to meet,
but so far it hasn’t extended to a panic again. All
you’re saying is helping so much. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, I’m so happy to hear that. Next thing is
with all that now happening, focus as well on
breathing slowly, especially when the fear comes on–
also remember every single person on earth has the
fear like you, so you’re not alone. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, yes I will. Thank you for the reassurance
and reminding me I’m not alone. It’s felt like that so
much and it means so much to have your support as
well. After doing quite well I suddenly feel as if I’m
halfway up the mountain and got stuck and am
having trouble holding on. I feel very scared that I’ll
go back to how I was and barely be able to leave the
house, or see anyone again. It was so good being a bit
normal again. I managed to visit my daughter
yesterday, but got very panicky and still didn’t want to
hold my grandson in case I hurt him, which makes
me very sad as well. I wish I could so much. I hope
I’m not being a nuisance. I’m always very conscious of
annoying people and that’s the last thing I want to do.
I just want to make people happy, which is partly why
this OCD is so bad as well, as I just annoy and upset
people instead. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, the cycle of yin and yang is inherent and
inevitable in all aspects of life. So when you reach a
state of relative peace as a result of working with new
information, it's inevitably followed by a contraction
during which you fear you've lost the ground you
made. And though it's natural to fear the worst and
imagine it all crumbling away to drop you back where
you were, you'll find it won't. So be brave and
visualize yourself looking and feeling relieved to have
enough inner strength to be resilient through the
phases from now on, relieved to know you're trusting
the process to work out–see yourself as her and that's
who you'll be, or are. Have faith in yourself and the
beautiful presence within you and within all of this
magnificent show. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you for the reassurance. I’ll try and do all you
say. It’s just very hard not to listen to the OCD, which
at times like now feels very powerful and also
undermining, and very loud, but I will be resilient.
I’m managing to drop back now and have been doing
it a lot for brief moments at a time, and it’s extremely
calming. Love, Yvonne

[Stephen – we've established rapport and the perception of

a safe 'space' in which Yvo can feel free to disclose her
story without fear of judgment (though this is a
progressive process in itself, as it would be between any
two people establishing a rapport). In this space as I point
out to her, it's not so much about being able to trust me,
but more crucially to be able to trust herself in the
situation sufficiently to be able to relay all relevant
information and feedback to facilitate me facilitating her
return. I use the term ‘return’ here rather than ‘healing,’
because healing might imply the healer is using special
powers not possessed by the person they're helping. My
method insists we all have limitless powers at the
subconscious level to heal ourselves and merely need
prompting in the right direction to activate them. Once
activated, the person starts returning to the state before
the pernicious effects of societal conditioning had made
any impact. In its purest form this is referred to as the
prenatal state, implying that second trimester in utero
when you're big enough to touch the sides of the womb and
so know you exist, but still small enough to swim about
freely in the lush warm bath your mother provided–before
people-pleasing sets in, before confusion at the
inconsistency of mood and output of others had impinged
on your sensibilities.
Once we reconnect to that innate wholeness at the core, the
rest of us starts spontaneously conforming, and in the
fullness of time, wholeness is the default state. This
describes the healing process – ‘healing’ derives from the
Old German for making whole.
But above all we've established a 'space', a context in
which Yvo feels safe enough to start trusting that same a
priori intelligence that facilitates the healing, that subtle
sense of invisible background presence informing the
journey through life. Re-establishing this trust is
paramount in the process, for us all.
Then by introducing the so-called Method, the Taoist
martial arts technique of occupying the rear sector of your
body with your mind retracted into the back-brain, rather
than remain cramped in the front, along with all the
drama and noise, we've also afforded Yvo new and greater
perspective. We've enabled her to re-contextualize her
moment-by-moment experience, to see it from farther back,
with a zoomed out view of it all, similarly to climbing to
the very top of the tallest tree in the redwood forest to both
put the hitherto all-engulfing forest in perspective and see
it in proportion to the greater picture, and to see where
you're going so you can eventually leave the forest behind
you and get home in time for tea.
Because adopting this habit of being in the back naturally
takes a while to acquire, having spent most of your life
doing the opposite, Yvo isn't finding it easy to remember.
But having the perspective gained from working with
millions of people, I see she's progressing relatively
rapidly and is evidently a talented, willing and able
student.
Acknowledging her evident skills in itself is crucial as
part of her rebuilding her shattered sense of self-worth.
The more I point out her virtues, the faster she'll start
being willing to acknowledge them herself, simply because
at the most fundamental level, we all learn by mimicry of
the other.
And the proof we're making progress by it is the relative
miracle that she's now able to detach from and hence
override her phobias of passing on germs enough to visit
and spend time with her children and grandchildren–and
in fact that she's able to go out at all now.
Chapter 2: Roger-Susan
Barefoot
I wonder, might it be time to give OCD a more
interesting name so you can negotiate with it more
freely? Roger, Susan or whatever? I say so as I don't
believe in all these Western definitions – I find them
too limited, limiting, and a bit like a curse–whereas
we could look at them merely as ‘voices’ deriving
from the aspects of your former self that were left
behind along the way (or split off) because they were
in too much pain to carry along the road, that are now
calling out for attention from way back there,
shouting, ‘reintegrate me’! Let me know if this has
any resonance and if so I’ll tell you a way to work
with it. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, your email has made me very emotional
and resonates with me in a big way. So, yes please!
And Roger, Susan sounds good. Love, Yvonne
[Yvo – knowing that Stephen was going to tell me how to
work with the voices that tormented me so much more
than I could ever describe, that they were just split-off
aspects of me, and he was going to help me reintegrate
them…that was the most wonderful feeling and was an
incredible relief. And the Yvonne aspect of me, whom I was
speaking as then, instinctively trusted him and just felt
that he would be able to really help quieten the voices
down after nothing ever having worked before.]

Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, when you're in the mood for it, think back
to when you remember a first experience of either
your mum or dad hurrying you out of your natural
tempo of doing things, or criticizing you unjustly, or
snapping you out of your innocent childhood reverie,
and thus disturbing your peace of mind and
undermining your confidence.
Once you've accessed a memory or nuance of one,
picture that little girl and stand her behind you and
to the left a little–about three feet away.
The reason she first formed the beginnings of the
Roger/Susan/etc. syndrome was to protect herself
(you) from further emotional pain – as if she
somehow busied herself making everything in order
even when it didn't need it, it would somehow create
a protective barrier. But even with that she knew it
wouldn't do anything about the low self-esteem
caused by having her confidence shaken. She didn't
know what to do about that at all, so she just
succumbed to agreeing that she wasn't good enough,
hoping that would somehow save her from more
interference. It was the best she could do at the time.
Thank her sincerely for doing that. Explain to her
you're an adult now and you've learned a whole new
way of doing things. Tell her she no longer needs to
protect you the way she's been doing. Tell her she
deserves her happy childhood back. Tell her you're
going to stop keeping her distant from you and are
now going to let her ride along within your adult self.
Tell her you're going to take care of protecting you
(and her) now, and that she can relax.
See her get past her mistrust. See her get it.
Move closer to her and embrace her as you would
your own child, feel her melt as she finally gets what
she's always wanted, but hadn't realized it till now.
Then scoop her up in your arms and sit her down
comfortably inside your heart and solar plexus
region, gazing outwards so she can see where you're
going.
And spend a few moments enjoying the feeling of
having reintegrated a long-lost part of you. You
probably remember the condition starting much later
in life, but it's safe to say that all the patterns we get
into start much earlier than we realized, from a time
when we hadn't a clue how to deal with trauma so did
what we could and then forgot to reset the
equipment, as it were.
You may have to have two or three attempts till you
feel it. Once you have, let me know and I’ll show you
the next bit of the process. That'll take you into being
the new you that you already are, but haven't quite
caught up with yet. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, there were two that came to mind, but
the one I can feel still had a big impact on me was
when I was eight. I was in a gym class at school and
we were told to run round kicking our legs up behind
us. I’d just been learning it in ballet and thought I
was doing it really well and the teacher might say well
done. But instead she told me off in front of the
whole class for showing off. I can still see the room
we were in. It hit me so hard and I felt myself shrivel
up. I was so embarrassed. The last thing I had wanted
was to show off. I was just pleased I could do
something well. But ever since that experience I
vowed I’d never do anything as well as I could again.
I’ve done the visualization. It was pretty full-on,
emotionally. I felt great happiness and relief that at
last part of me could come back together. To start
with I really sensed a pulling back or restraining
feeling. Then as I integrated her I had a very warm,
almost burning sensation in my heart area and it felt
very good, as if I was more complete. I can actually
think of the memory and it doesn’t hurt me anymore.
Speaking of the symptoms starting earlier than we
remember, I know I had OCD as a child, although it
wasn’t called that. Voices told me I had to do things
all the time to make sure everything stayed OK. My
dad was ill a lot and my mum was always worried. I
remember hiding behind a curtain once and asking
my mum why there had to be death in the world. I
couldn’t bear the thought of him dying. I was very
insecure and frightened they’d both disappear and I’d
be on my own. If my mother or father were to die, I
was convinced it would have been my fault. So it was
doubly bad, as I didn’t want to lose them and be left
alone, but I couldn’t live with the fact that I would
have somehow caused it to happen. I was living in
total fear and torment through my mind and the
voices.
I used to have an invisible string connecting me to
my mum all the time to make sure I didn’t lose her,
plus I also skipped school a lot and went to her work
to make sure she was still there. I still have the fear
that people I love will disappear. I can’t bear the
thought of losing someone, and even more, I couldn’t
bear it if I inadvertently caused it by being careless,
which is why I have to do all the hand washing and all
the other stuff Roger/Susan tell me to.
Also, loads more memories have started pounding in
my head, from nuns at my convent school telling me
what a burden I was on my mother and how bad I
was, to several things happening as an adult that I
can’t bear to think about as they’re so painful,
although of course I do as I can’t help it. I was also
raped when I was seventeen. I’ve wanted to have my
brain washed sometimes so I can forget they
happened completely. It feels like a release of
emotions right now that have been pent up for many
years and have been eating away at me. I just hate
myself so much as I’m so feeble. I don’t know how I
can ever like myself again.
I hope you don’t mind my saying all this. I’m a bit of
an emotional wreck right now. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, oh gosh, that's awful–no words for it. I've
logged it and will not overlook it (the rape) but might
we somehow look at that as a story in its own right
later (even though it's obviously crucial to the main
story)? First I suggest let's stay with the original plan
and get the overall set-up in place.
And your dad being ill when you were young
probably explains most of it right there.
Brilliant outcome from doing the exercise–we
couldn't have hoped for more.
Next, spend some time creating a visualization of
yourself a wee way down the road, having jumped
clean over Roger/Susan, now confident in yourself, no
longer superstitious about not being able to remain
feeling that way because you know exactly how you
did it and could do it again if you had to, but you
know you won't have to, because you've returned to
your true self before all the perturbation began.
I'm not in any way suggesting you try convincing
yourself about being able to attain to this state. To the
contrary, just imagine her, the same way you can
imagine a goldfish with a top hat on even though you
know it doesn't exist in reality. Simply create the
vision.
Notice her eyes and how bright and clear they look,
and notice the smile lines, the slope of the shoulders,
the rise of the confident, courageous chest, the
stance, the aura, the glow of personal power – don't
believe it, just see it. Tell me when you've done it.
I’m honored you feel safe enough to confide in me so
frankly. Takes great courage to do so. And remember,
your soul will never let you take more pain than you
can bear, hence why it's moving you out of the
Roger/Susan realm even as we speak – trust it. You’re
doing brilliantly. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, thank you for saying I have courage. I
don’t feel as if I do, but your saying that boosts me up
and helps me regain it, and it’s very comforting to
know that my soul will look after me. When I found
you I was feeling in total despair as I felt useless and
nothing but a burden on my whole family. So I’d been
seriously thinking that I had to not be around
anymore as I was just making them all unhappy
constantly. Then somehow you came along. My soul
must have found your website as I really didn’t know
where to turn. You’ve given me renewed hope and
I’m already much better than I was. I appreciate so
very much your taking so much time with me. You
truly are a wonderful person.
I’ve done the visualization. I found it quite hard. I
think my brain was trying to get me to inadvertently
believe it and I couldn’t and I couldn’t stop trying to
so I could just see it. Eventually I managed it. I
wanted to stay with the vision once I’d got it and not
come back. That person looked so happy.
I feel extremely odd at the moment. I feel a warmth in
my heart I haven’t had before and it feels nice. At the
same time, it feels like there’s a tumult of feelings
swirling around and they’re overflowing and I don’t
know what to do with them.
Sorry for being so emotional all the time. Love,
Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, courage or feebleness, we all have each –
it’s down to which we focus on (in self and others). I
choose to focus on the courage in you. It works better
that way. What you focus on grows.
And don’t be sorry – it’s a pleasure to be of help to
you. You’re really working with it and that makes it
so.
It’s hard visualizing the self in full potential –
sometimes you catch just a glimpse but that's
enough–just do it often, just think of the goldfish
with a top hat–don't believe it, just see it.
OK, next and penultimate bit of the process–see your
evolved self (YES) standing three feet or so in front of
you and a bit to the right, turned towards the future,
so you can see the back of her head (and body) and
the left side of her face. Note the smile lines, and
know she's the one who's jumped over this whole
Roger/Susan issue and is feeling fully empowered
(don't believe it, just see it).
I understand the oddness – it's a healthy sign things
are shifting at the root level, and encouraging you're
starting to have glimmers of the heart-
warming/opening. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
I’ve done the visualization. It wasn’t very strong, but I
did see it and I saw that she was in control again
having jumped over the Roger/Susan problem. Made
me smile to see her looking happy and calm and
empowered. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Good – let's stop calling Roger/Susan a problem and
start seeing them as a healthy challenge, or just as a
tricky friend, and let's substitute ‘command’ for
‘control’–being in command has a stronger, freer,
happier, lighter feel about it, and control feels a bit
self-punishing. This process will grant you command
of yourself rather than control – much more pleasant.
OK, remembering this is something to practice every
day till it feels like fun: relax, settle into your skin,
breathe slowly, tune into your former un-evolved self
(FUN) standing behind to the left, and your evolved
self (YES) standing in front to the right, forming a
diagonal line with you in the middle.
And with but a mild thrust of the will, and their tacit
agreement, bring them both into alignment with you,
so FUN is directly behind you and YES directly in
front.
And now, with another mild thrust of the will and
their further tacit agreement, absorb FUN in through
your back so she's sitting inside you (nestling in your
belly and heart region comfortably), and let the two
of you be absorbed in through the back of YES so that
you, with FUN inside, are now sitting in YES (in the
same region of belly and heart). Introduce them:
‘YES, this is FUN – FUN, this is YES’, and feel how it
feels to be inside YES. Feel the joy of the confidence,
the power of being free of all those former shackles
and outworn patterns that no longer suit you, feel the
strength of no longer needing to please people, the
delight of being friends with yourself again at last,
and the optimism that comes with knowing you've
still got a beautiful adventure ahead of you to enjoy
before you leave the planet, and the comfort of
knowing you've fully earned it. Feel that
expansiveness and let FUN feel it too. Let both of you
marvel at how good it feels being YES.
And then, knowing you can (and are advised to
return each day for a few days and thereafter
whenever you fancy a bit of extra fortification), use
yet another mild thrust of will to draw the three of
you back into the present moment, here and now,
with all that potential flowering in YES absorbed
(both in you and in FUN within).
And note that even Roger/Susan is smiling.
Let me know when you've had a go or two at it. Love,
Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, challenge and command sound much
better. I’ve had a couple of goes. I can see FUN easily,
but I’m having trouble seeing YES. I’ve visualized a
me in front of me, but I just see someone I don’t like.
But I’ll keep at it. Maybe I want it too much. I’m really
trying just to visualize it and not believe it. Love,
Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, don't despair. That's wonderful you've
made friends with FUN – meantime, you're the one
creating the intention and reading you. I'd imagine
YES is kind, gracious, compassionate, empathic,
sensitive, strong, firm, loving, confident, vulnerable,
admirable, adorable – everything you've always
wanted to be – lovable, approachable, caring, popular,
and totally over Roger/Susan. What are you seeing in
her you don't like?
If you have a hard time letting her/you be that
person, think of a woman you admire, or even a
theatrical or film role, played by say, Helen Mirren,
Lauren Bacall, or any of those great screen heroines,
and place her in front of you instead (then deftly
morph her into having your face) – remember, this is
just imagination so you can do what you like in there,
and it's obviously essential you like her, as she's who
you're in the process of growing into. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Hi Stephen. I really want to be all those things, but all
I see is someone weak and feeble. She never gets
anything right and tries to please people and make
them happy, but always fails. It just always turns out
wrong. And I hate myself for how I’ve let myself
down so much in the past. I can’t really explain how I
feel. It’s really an overall feeling of dislike for myself.
I have an awful lot of love in my heart that I just want
to give to people and I want to help and be there for
people, but it always gets misconstrued. I don’t know
why.
I love Angela Lansbury and would love to be like her.
She seems so confident and happy and kind. Love,
Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, that's good you see her – let's call her
NELLI (never evolving life like it) and stick her to the
side on your left where you can keep an eye on her
and admonish her to behave. We'll negotiate with her
later. We can put her in charge of Roger/Susan – it'll
give her something to do and free you up for
accommodating YES (at first as Angela, but once
you've understudied her in the role for a bit you can
take over). Is this getting too loony for you, all these
names and metaphors? Love, Stephen
Yvonne
That sounds very good, I like that idea very much.
No, it’s not getting too loony for me. I like making
things fun too, the sillier the better. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
I'm relieved to hear it, dear Yvonne, but won't take it
as permission to be gratuitously daft.
Subtext to all this is let's go steadily, slowly, not trying
to make spectacular transitions, just gently, gently,
building the confidence as that's far more reliable.
The main immediate expedient is to ensure you're
feeling enough in command of the process to at least
be enjoying the internal theater of it all going on
inside you for now – it might well be enough that
you've befriended FUN and vice versa–to reconnect
with the innocent beautiful child you were and rejoin
with her clarity and vitality is the most healing thing
there is. And it'll be good to establish even just a
vague sense of you as Angela (YAA!) to give the
subconscious an idea of what to aim for. Love,
Stephen
Yvonne
As soon as you gave the me I don’t like a name, and
especially when we put her to one side and told her to
behave and look after Roger/Susan, I felt better.
By the way I don’t mind if you’re gratuitously daft.
Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Thanks for the leeway – I’m happy you’re feeling safe
to do all this. You’re courageous and it will yield the
desired result – love, Stephen
Yvonne
Not that you need my permission. Thank you for
saying again I have courage – it boosts me up.
Starting to worry I’ve been too presumptuous and
bold now though. Sorry. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Don’t be sorry, don’t worry–I like you being open, it’s
better than being closed. It’s a wonderful privilege to
hold the space for you to be safe in, so really, don’t
worry about me being your judge – I’m not, I’m on
your team. Observe the tendency to open up, feel
good, and then feel bad–that’s yin and yang (or
actually yang and yin) operating: open, close – it’s the
way of nature, humanity included – it’s helpful to
notice it rather than being swept along compulsively
by it – observing the pattern without judgment is
enough to break the compulsions’ hold over time.
Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you so much. I’ll try not to worry and go with
the flow and just notice it. I’m sorry I’m taking up so
much of your time and I’m so very grateful. Love,
Yvonne
Barefoot
You're lovely. How about an agreement – each time
you say sorry, you have to say sorry for saying sorry
straight afterwards, as in, ‘I'm sorry…and I'm sorry
for saying sorry’. I've a hunch it'll cancel itself out
quickest that way. And then you can say sorry as
much as you like and you even get to do it thrice,
agree? Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Agree. I haven’t laughed so much for ages. I think it
will keep me going for hours. Thank you! Love,
Yvonne
Barefoot
That made me laugh, thinking of you laughing – this
is fun, isn't it? Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Yes it is, makes me keep smiling. It’s great having
fun. I’ve laughed and smiled more than I have for
ages, thank you. I’m so frightened you’ll go away,
though. It’s so wonderful not being alone with my
thoughts anymore and being able to talk to someone
who doesn’t judge me and totally understands. But I
also know I’m taking up loads of your time and I feel
bad for that. I never want to impose on anyone or be
in the way at all. My emotions are up and down like a
yoyo at the moment–I think it’s probably because
they’re all coming to the surface at once.
I’ve tried the visualization again. It feels really good
putting NELLI to the side and keeping an eye on her.
This time I was able to see YES, first as Angela and
then me as all the things we said she is, and all the
horrible bits I didn’t like weren’t there as they were at
the side. But it felt like me and FUN were in a
quandary. I tried to just gently visualize being
absorbed into YES, but couldn’t, so stopped, as I
know if I’m trying too hard then I won’t be doing it
right. I keep feeling a resistance. It feels great that I
can see and absorb FUN me every time though. Sorry
this is so long–sorry-sorry for saying sorry. Also sorry-
sorry for saying sorry if I’ve spoken out of turn or
what I’ve said is too much of an imposition. Love,
Yvonne
Chapter 3: Reassurance
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, you’re so lovely. And so bright and
incisive about what's going on within. You made me
laugh with the sorry about being sorry. Brilliant
you're making progress with the visualization.
I’m not going away, so don’t worry about that – that
fear is likely the one you had when your dad was ill,
hence why it feels intense. And it’s understandable–
as with me now you have someone to communicate
with freely without fear of being censured or
misunderstood–and we all need that so much, hence
the thought of losing it is scary. But you won’t, and if I
die unexpectedly the Tao (Big Yvonne) will send you
someone else to communicate with instead. And in
time as your confidence in yourself grows, you’ll find
you’ll be able to communicate with many people
authentically without being misunderstood. My
hunch is that by healing yourself (if we can call it that
without it sounding creepy), you’ll be so inspired
you’ll start helping others similarly. And in that
there’ll be authentic communication.
It’s damn hard being human–most are merely
pretending all the time–being real as we once were as
children, before the conditioning took proper effect,
is initially more challenging, but once we get the
hang of it, it’s far more fun.
Now, the main thing with Roger-Susan is to keep
remembering to sink into your back, into BIG
Yvonne, and bear witness compassionately as Little
Yvonne goes through her usual conniptions and inner
struggle–and keep blessing her, and remind her not
to punish herself for Roger-Susanning.
And each time you notice her having to say sorry to
anyone, at least in your mind, say sorry for saying
sorry–learning to laugh internally about what’s going
on within and around us is a major key to our overall
wellbeing and integrity.
We’ll get you fully sorted – I’m committed to it. Big
Barefoot assigned me the mission, evidently, and I
never argue with him or go against his wishes. (I’m
not to my knowledge afflicted with multiple
personality disorder, incidentally, in case you were
wondering – it’s just a manner of explaining things.)
Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Yes, I will. It’s so incredible and wonderful that you’re
here and not going away. The thought scared me so
much.
I’m glad I made you laugh. It feels really good to
make someone smile, even though it was your idea,
so I can’t take the credit for it.
No, I wasn’t wondering whether you might have
multiple personality disorder.
It’s so good to be able to communicate freely and tell
you my feelings and what’s going on in my head, and
you don’t judge or misunderstand me. I was in the
depths of such a very dark cave when I found you and
had just about lost all hope. I felt I’d come to the end.
I’d upset my family too much and no one could
understand what it was like and what was going on in
my head. It was so horribly tormenting. I used to
want to tear my head off to make the voices go away.
They wouldn’t stop and were so loud. That night I
was on my computer desperately looking for some
final someone/something that could help me, I had
typed ‘angels help’ into Google in desperation as,
having tried lots of methods and nothing having
worked, I simply didn't know where else to turn and
the torment had become unbearable. I really didn’t
want to be around anymore and was thinking about
how I could take my life. The angel that came was
you. (I hope you don't mind my calling you an angel?)
I emailed you, not really expecting a reply, but you
did. I was amazed and got hope again.
Thank you for being so amazing. You’re the most
wonderful person. I’ve never met anyone so kind,
generous and giving, and it’s great having fun again
as well. I keep finding myself smiling. Thank you
again with all my heart. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Ah, you lovely, lovely woman – what an honor it is to
be the one chosen to come and hold your hand and
lead you out of the dark of the cave back into the
fresh bright mountain air.
And I'm honored to be the one the angels sent you. I
think we're all actually angels – that's what the
presence is in the back of us.
It’s your good sense of humor in playing along that
makes me laugh.
I’m here. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
I can’t stop crying with happiness. And you saying it’s
an honor to help me – I don’t feel I deserve it at all.
Words aren’t sufficient to express how I feel. It feels
like Roger/Susan eats away at the brain, and I was
doubting every single thing I said or did. It’s so
debilitating and tormenting. I wasn’t even trusting
that I’d done little things right, and my family would
be harmed because I’d been careless or thoughtless,
even though I was trying to be so careful, and they
used to make me panic so much I didn’t know where
to turn. They used to torment me continuously until
it became unbearable and I used to run around
screaming trying to get away from them. You’ve made
the Roger/Susan issue get so much better already. I
know though I need to trust and like myself again
and I still really don’t right now. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
I think no matter what negative judgments we cast
upon ourselves we are somehow honor bound to
remind ourselves that if the Tao/God/Life/Presence,
or whatever we wish to call it, ‘saw fit’ to manifest
itself as us then we’re evidently good enough no
matter what we think.
And I do understand it's really hard for you when
Roger-Susan (I'm preferring the hyphen more lately)
rears up – I know it totally grabs you and I
empathize, and that's exactly why I'm committed to
staying with you through it all – it's because I know
it's really intense and you need support through it. So
I’m not going to abandon you, and I’ll keep holding
your hand.
These habits take time to train in–took me years to
get myself, so be patient – and see them a bit like a
child (FUN if you like), playing with new toys rather
than an adult taking some kind of scary test.
And I also know when you eventually land on the
other side of it, which you will, you'll be able to look
back and realize it was all something you had to go
through to get you to this point so it could teach you
what you're learning now and that it was all worth
every bit of the pain to get you to where you are. That
will happen. I see it clearly for you even though
you’re not quite ready to see it clearly yourself yet.
I’m holding the vision for you till you’re ready. Love,
Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you so much yet again. It makes me feel so
safe. When Roger-Susan take hold, reason goes out of
the window and I get so scared. I’m really sorry –
sorry for saying sorry – for needing so much
reassurance. The thought of you going away and
going back to how I was is extremely frightening.
The trouble is I can be in a panic for days, or weeks
sometimes, over something. Then I have to tell
whoever it concerns what I’m worried about. Usually
I’m told not to be so ridiculous, as what I’m worried
about or obsessing over can’t have happened (and I
know deep down it hasn’t–it’s always ‘just in case’
with Roger-Susan). It goes on like this. I listen to
Roger-Susan even though they put impossible
ridiculous notions into my head, and then I worry my
family unnecessarily. This is one reason why I’d rather
not see my family, as I can’t hurt them if I don’t, and
they’re better off when I’m not around. I just get
them annoyed with me and feel that I only cause
problems. It makes me so sad–I don’t want or mean
to worry them or annoy them. I often get into a catch-
22, that if I do what Roger-Susan says then that’s
wrong as well and something else bad will happen.
So I get stuck in the middle and I don’t know what to
do. I can’t do either, but I can’t not do one of them.
It’s so tormenting and horrible, not knowing what to
do and being stuck in the middle in a horrible place
is so frightening. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
The most important thing for now is you've already
developed a bit of psychological space between you
and the drama (of being you).
The Catholicism, the programming, the fear of
damnation (what we usually call guilt) etc., and the
strict convent education to drum it all in is, like the
rape, such a significant factor in amplifying and
accelerating the Roger-Susanism.
Remember (and remember and remember) the
option at any moment to drop back for a moment to
rest yourself, and each time you do your sense of
presence will grow a bit sturdier and the noise level
of Roger-Susan proportionately decrease.
We'll get you sorted and on top of the world – we will.
And you can have as much assurance as you need, so
no need to be sorry for wanting it or accepting it – it’s
my pleasure. Soon you’ll be able to reassure yourself
– I’m just holding the reassurance space for you till
you’re ready (and you will be).
As for being scared, that actually arises because the
kidney chi is low. The mind then deftly finds an
object for its fear, and does so so fast you don't even
realize it did it and so assume you're actually scared
about whatever it is, however irrational the fear. All
the while, though, it was actually just low kidney chi,
which once increased a bit reduces the fear levels
sufficiently to be able to rationalize them to your
satisfaction and thus regain equilibrium.
So I recommend once a day at least (better late
afternoons) rubbing your middle/lower back either
side of the spine at waist level with the backs of the
hands briskly up and down to generate a bit of
sudden heat, as the kidneys love this, and either
aloud or in your mind make the sound FUIIIIIIIIIIIII
(kidney healing sound), starting in falsetto for the FU
bit and then sliding down the scale to bass in the
IIIIIIIIII bit, picturing the sound carrying warmth
down into the kidneys. Over time as the kidneys relax
more you'll notice it's easier and faster to let the panic
go and rationalize the fears away. Of course,
breathing slowly when the panic comes on helps
enormously too. Remember, anxiety is merely a
habit–it releases cortisol from the adrenals and
though it's unpleasant and is produced internally, it's
an addictive chemical like cocaine. Once you start
seeing it as that you can start looking at options, one
of which is to stop holding your breath, breathe more
freely and slowly, relax your muscles a bit, sink back
and appreciate being alive for a moment instead. In
time that becomes addictive instead, which is better
for your health and peace of mind, but slowly, slowly
– and it's perfectly OK to keep feeling anxious too, as
long as you're finding it enjoyable at some level.
That's a good affirmation, incidentally – it tricks the
mind into stopping unhealthy habits: ‘It's perfectly
OK for me to generate this cortisol as long as I’m
finding it enjoyable’.
(And because you're not finding it enjoyable, if you
keep saying it, eventually the mind thinks, wait a
minute, maybe I don't need to do this as much or so
often.)
And it’s important you know that you don't have to
change anything, you just have to start enjoying
yourself as you are, however quirky you may appear
to yourself, however short of the mark you may feel
you're falling.
And as you're actually very good at repeating
thoughts to yourself (albeit they've been mostly self-
punishing ones till now), getting into the habit of
repeating positive affirmations will actually be a
doddle for you, and they're really helpful.
Like visualization, the key lies in not trying to believe
it, merely to repeat the affirmation (minimum 6 times
is best to get them to penetrate to the subconscious–
written down is best, and mentally repeating as well
as aloud). For instance, take the above example of
enjoying yourself as you are and turn it into an
affirmation:
‘I no longer need change anything about myself to
feel well and fulfilled in all ways, I merely need to be
willing to enjoy however I am from moment to
moment, no matter how far off an imagined ideal it
may seem at the time’.
The only difference between the master and the non-
master, in dealing with imagined disaster (with the
panic, etc., and adjusting the outlook and state of
being), is that the master gets off it (the drama)
faster. That's all we’re really looking to do–to be able
to readjust ourselves in flight as we go along with the
subtlest tilt of the wings just like a bird or airplane
does. Love, Stephen

[Stephen –this is the first time I've introduced the Taoist

premise that along with fulfilling physical functions, each
of your vital organs is responsible for various aspects of
your moods and psycho-emotional tone.

This is in common with the roots of our own Western

traditions. For instance, when you get angry it overheats
your liver chi, or vice versa, when the liver chi gets
overheated through stress or dietary factors you get angry,
hence the word livid. When your heart chi is strong you
feel courageous. Courageous derives from the French
coeur, heart. The spleen provides energy to support
intellectual and practical thinking. The French talk of
giving vent to your spleen, meaning speaking your mind.
Your lungs provide the energy for you to feel inspired.
When your lung energy is weak, you feel uninspired. We
use the word respiration, which literally means drawing
the spirit in again (after the out-breath), inspiration
means being with spirit inside you. Your kidney chi gives
you the will to keep flowing with the adventure of life.
Bear in mind the kidney region governs the whole lower
part of you. We talk about making our next move, as in
continuing to flow (like water) with the adventure,
because we feel it in our waters.
Knowing this helps us desist from erroneously ascribing
any particular state of mind more than transient status.]

Yvonne
Thank you for the kidney exercise and the
affirmation. I’ll do them every day. And thank you for
all you say and that I can have as much reassurance
as I need. That’s so good to know. I’ve been told by
people, family and therapists, that I mustn’t ask for it,
but it just eats away at me inside and is so
tormenting.
This condition is such a horrible thing, especially
when it’s really severe (I’ve been told mine is). There’s
an online CBT-based OCD trial program that I found
a while ago, using the ERP technique, and I applied to
join it. But they told me my OCD was too severe. They
gave me the program anyway, but it didn’t work,
which is probably why they didn’t want me on the
trial.
Saying I don’t have to change anything about me also
scares me as I don’t like myself, but it’s also kind of a
comforting and freeing thought that I can just be me
as I am and that’s OK. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
It's all more than OK, it’s wonderful. And yes, of
course you can ask for as much reassurance and as
often as you want–that's the whole point in a way.
Roger-Susan plays this game of making you worry
intensely after each communication, so of course
keep confirming with me it's all OK, and I'll keep
confirming back to you it is, and by and by even
Roger-Susan will start relaxing about it. I suspect the
reason people got fed up with you asking for
reassurance was because they thought they'd ‘talked
some sense into you’, and that you'd got it, which you
had at that moment, and so expected you to suddenly
snap out of it, as it were. But they simply didn't
understand and so grossly underestimated the power
of Roger-Susan, as if it was just a game you were
playing. Well we both know it's not, or if it is it's an
extremely rough game, and it's not a simple matter of
snapping out of it.
In fact, so saying, Roger-Susan is really just the
aspects of FUN you've not yet re-integrated, the
frightened child who only knew to create this
intensity to somehow make sense of everything back
then.
And so we honor Roger-Susan until it finally feels
heard (as in the pain of FUN is finally accepted and
forgiven and so healed), and slowly we make friends
with it, as once it's a friend it will start cooperating
with us.
You’ve been in deep suffering for all the self-
repression and all its external ramifications in the
way others have reacted to you.
At last you’re now free to stop repressing yourself,
and if at first that means feeling free to express the
fears, however ungrounded and however frequently,
then glory be, you finally have someone who won’t
tell you off or try and change you, or abandon you, or
judge you, or get sick of you, because they (I) know
how courageous you’re being, and how dedicated you
are to freeing yourself once and for all.
And I’ll reassure you and reassure you – I don’t care
how many times.
Because you will come through this. In fact, you’ve
already started to.
And it’s a blessing to be able to help a fellow traveler
like this.
We have to give the anxiety all the space it needs to
express itself and then give it/you all the reassurance
required for as long as it takes – and the less we try
and rush it, the more easily and therefore faster it will
all heal.
All of us have the same self-defeating internal
conundrum, but it was just being (extremely)
amplified in you–so slowly, slowly, gently, gently, we're
helping you turn the volume down. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
I can’t stop crying in amazement at your reply. For so
long I’ve had to try not to ask, and if I have people
have got so fed up and annoyed with me and I’ve just
wanted to hide away. Yes, it’s like Roger-Susan keeps
forgetting when it’s told something. And yes, people
assume when they’ve told me once that that should
be enough and I’m going on for the sake of it, but I’m
really not. The Roger-Susan feeling is so strong and
overpowering. Every time I get the reassurance and
everything feels fine for a bit, then Roger-Susan put
doubts into my head again. You understand so
completely. Thank you more than I can possibly say.
What you say about Roger-Susan and FUN makes
sense. And I can’t accept or forgive, or trust myself
for so many things. If something reminds me of
really bad things that have happened, Roger-Susan
tells me I have to throw it away and I certainly can’t
touch it. If I inadvertently do, Roger-Susan tells me
I’m contaminated and I can’t get my hands clean for
ages. Or if it’s a place where something bad
happened, I can’t even speak the name. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
You’re every bit as welcome, as you’re so wonderfully
grateful, dear Yvonne. And it’s a joy to be able to do it
for you.
And you can ask for reassurance as often as you want.
You describe the pattern, the ‘dance’, so succinctly,
that's brilliant–especially about the leaving things
behind or not uttering their name. This is precisely
what Freud described as the complex of ‘ego-
defenses’ we all have. It's just that, as I said, yours
has been up loud.
In fact, the mere act of being able to describe the
dance is already starting to undo the power of the
compulsion–the simple act of observation creates
space between the observer and the object being
observed, and as any quantum physicist will tell you,
this actually changes the way the object being
observed behaves, too.
The dance as you described it is one example or
version of what I loosely term the ‘conundrum’. Each
of us walks around managing the conundrum as best
we can.
And the beauty of this Taoist approach is that, no
matter the content of the conundrum, by shifting our
focus onto the context instead we're able to take
command of the conundrum far more effectively, far
faster, and I must say far more enjoyably, than when
engrossed in the content of the conundrum, as
happens with psychotherapy for instance.
In this case, it's a matter of noticing that when you
described Roger-Susan to me just now, the aspect of
you that was able to do so was the aspect of you that
bears witness. And on a psycho-spatial level, this
aspect resides in your back. Hence the value of
learning to keep dropping back, as the more often
you/we do, the more we're identifying with that
aspect. And the more we do that, the less you're/we're
identified with the conundrum. Then, no matter its
content, no matter how loud or severe, it starts slowly,
then faster and exponentially faster, to lose its power.
And the more it does, the more we reclaim that
power.
And I understand the internal atmosphere during a
Roger-Susanning is fraught. But it would be helpful
to think that it’d be a bit like Dorothy confronting the
scary monster Wizard of Oz in the movie, and just
needing the courage to do so, and then when she
finally unmasks him finding he’s no monster at all.
I also think it might be good to start a new game to
add to ‘sorry for saying sorry’, as in when you
mention asking for reassurance, each time say, ‘and I
really love asking for reassurance as much as I love
receiving it from you, it’s a blessing for us both, and
for Roger-Susan’.
You’re actually doing extraordinarily well, even if you
find it hard to see that just now. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
You understand so completely. I used to have courage
and could be quite strong sometimes. I just feel as if
it’s finally gone out of me. Your comparing it with the
Wizard of Oz gives me a good image to think of.
Yes, with the ERP, I was supposed to touch things I
didn’t want to, then not wash my hands, and the
exposure included not asking for reassurance, so I
was trying to do that and it felt like mental torture.
Then my family got more annoyed with me because I
couldn’t do it and then I felt like more of a failure
because I felt I was letting my family down more.
I’ve been through many different methods. I’ve seen
psychiatrists, psychologists, etc. and nothing’s
worked. Each time the doctor wanted to give me
drugs, but I didn’t want them as I didn’t want it
covered up. I wanted to be able to beat it on my own.
That makes me feel guilty as well, as if I’d taken them
I might have been better quicker for my family. But I
was prescribed drugs when I was a child,
Phenobarbitone when I was seven, then changed onto
Valium when I was twelve. Then when I was fourteen,
I remember I went to the bathroom cabinet to take
my Valium before going to school one morning and
suddenly decided that I didn’t want to take it
anymore. I wanted to fight whatever demons were
inside me on my own. So I didn’t, and I’ve never
taken anything since. I saw psychiatrists as well from
seven, then at the same time I stopped the drugs, I
decided I didn’t want to see the psychiatrist anymore
either and I never felt that they helped me in the
slightest anyway. I refused to go to my next
appointment, so my mum arranged for the
psychiatrist to come to me, as she said I had to see
her. So I went out and wouldn’t come home till she’d
gone. My mum was so annoyed with me. I can
remember it so clearly. She must have been very
concerned as well, though. I know she didn’t know
what to do with me. I was also bullied at school and,
with my dad being ill, I felt so insecure. I used to hear
the voices back then as well–for as long as I can
remember.
Knowing I can ask for reassurance whenever I want,
even if I have to repeat the phrase, is such a
wonderful safe feeling.
I still can’t believe you’re here, after all the years of
torment. You make me feel so much better and safer,
more than I ever have. I have to say it – I hope that’s
all OK? ‘And I really love asking for reassurance as
much as I love receiving it from you, it’s a blessing for
us both, and for Roger-Susan’.
Starting to feel bad, as I feel like I might chase you
away by being too outspoken. The thought is so
frightening. Sorry – and sorry for saying sorry. Love,
Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi dear Yvonne, you’re so lovely – it made me laugh,
the reassurance sentence, as did the sorry one,
especially the way you delivered them with such
perfect comedic timing at the end. You have a
wonderful sense of humor and your willingness to
laugh at the condition while in the midst is all the
sign of courage you need. For while your courage
levels have been understandably battered, they're
still there. And considering how horrible it's all been
for so long, they’re actually amazingly high.
And I'm happy to hear you resisted the drugs. For
though they work to numb the person taking them,
this mostly is for the benefit of those around them.
And yes, all the CBT and aversion technique is so
clearly the opposite of what you've needed. And the
bullying at school and so on–this is such a brutal
world, and you're evidently such a sensitive soul. But
the main thing is you’ve withstood it all, and here we
are. I do (more and more) fully appreciate the
delicacy and intensity and poignancy of the situation
and will remain steadfastly here for you throughout.
Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you so much. It’s such a wonderful feeling to
be understood. I’m glad you said it was good I didn’t
take the drugs. I almost did. I’m doing the kidney
rubbing and affirmation. Hopefully it will be okay.
Love, Yvonne
Chapter 4: Trust
Barefoot
Hi dear Yvonne, something that occurs for me to
suggest – substitute the word hope for intend. It's my
intention for it to be easier. And if Roger-Susan
complains or ridicules, thank them for their
contribution, bless them, and then say nonetheless
it’s my intention for it to be easier. This is to
contribute to you being able to trust yourself again,
and keep getting images of you actually finding it
easier (just see them, don't try and make them
happen).
As well as trust in yourself, this builds intentionality,
which is key to this whole enterprise. We have a
choice in each and every moment to see things work
out or to see them not. And whichever we focus on
grows.
And it's not one or the other in practice, it's about
ensuring a balance of at least 51% on seeing it
working out. So all these little interventions help and
accumulate power. Hence why repetition is
important. It's just a matter of switching from
repeating self-defeating thoughts and intentions, to
self-supporting, self-actualizing ones instead.
And it’s also good to say out loud for about an hour,
varying which syllable you emphasize and varying the
tone of voice (just to keep it amusing) and to keep
going with it, no matter what thoughts arise in
reaction, the following words: ‘I trust myself, I trust
myself, I trust myself…’
Remember, this isn't to make you believe it, merely to
repeat the words over and over–it bypasses Roger-
Susan and goes straight to the subconscious, so it can
start changing the patterns without you even having
to think about it.
Once Roger-Susan realizes it's more fun when they
stop interfering with you, they'll begin easing off–it'll
just take them a wee while to get used to the new
internal environment.
Am I right in thinking the frequency of panic attacks
is getting ever so slightly less? Similarly, the intensity
and duration?
The small constructed self who sits in the front feels
habitually obliged and driven to resolve this issue or
that. The background presence, witness-bearing, big
primordial self who sits in the back knows everything
is already resolved. Hence even (and especially) in the
throes of panic during which the small self is
frantically trying to resolve it, dropping back we
instantly know there's nothing to resolve and that the
panic, along with that which was panicking, is merely
a game–a strange, unsettling game we got into the
habit of playing when we were too young to know
better and by now had become so habituated to, we
didn't know how to stop playing it, let alone that
there was a choice or even that it was just a game in
the first place.
And now we know the trick of dropping back we're
starting to increasingly see glimmers of how there's
nothing to be resolved or repaired or perfected,
because everything (about ourselves and our
situation) is already resolved, repaired, and perfect as
it is.
Doing so, breathing slowly, softening the muscles, by
and by, panic as a force subsides and the incidence of
panic phases reduces as does the intensity until we're
able to maintain a clear mind, steady nerve and
joyful, open, trusting heart no matter what, even in
the face of a Roger-Susanning; we develop suppleness
and resilience, in other words. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
When I do go back I feel calm and so much better,
but at the moment, when I'm in the midst of a panic,
it feels like I still need to be up front to deal with the
situation. I can’t leave it. But yes, my panic attacks
have decreased a lot. Thank you again with all my
heart for being here for me and helping allay all my
fears and helping me to start believing in myself
again. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
I’m so glad to be able to offer you all this dear
Yvonne. Yes, that's exactly it–drop back and trust the
presence is healing you according to your intention to
be healed.
And yes, me too, always that temptation to stay up
front trying to sort it out. Then I remember to drop
back instead – and it works. In fact, it's the most
amazingly powerful ‘thing’ I've ever discovered. And
perhaps the first goal is for you to start liking
yourself. Start at least being willing to like yourself
regardless of any negative judgment you may have of
yourself.
I like you, so it's obvious you're likeable even not
having met you. That's the immediate goal, then–you
liking you. Remember, we're all messed up. It's the
human condition – no one is perfect. Even the Tao
messes things up – look at the untidiness of nature
for example – and it's OK, mess is just the flipside of
tidy. No big deal. We just do the best we can and as
far as I can see you're doing damn well, all things
considered. I'm looking forwards to the day you agree
with me on that. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Yes, it’s amazing. Roger-Susan has quietened down a
bit at the moment. Suddenly I'm doing things and
things are happening that I'm not minding. My
daughter and grandson came to visit unexpectedly
today, and not very long ago I would have been
panicking that the place wasn't clean enough, or I’d
hurt them accidently somehow or something and not
let her in, but today I just told her to come in. This
was a very big thing for me, and I'm not panicking
now afterwards that something bad might have
happened. It feels quite incredible. I do feel a little
bit healed, I think right now.
I think it might take a little while to like myself, but
the fact that you say you do is a lovely feeling and
does actually make me think that maybe I might be
okay and not such a horrible person. Love, Yvonne
Stephen
I'm so happy it's all starting to help, dear Yvonne.
And yes, I like you, and not despite all you've told me
but because of it – not so much the content, as that's
just the details of a story and we all have those (both
stories and details), but your courage in doing so.
And yes I fully appreciate how significant it is that
you let your daughter and grandchild in. Bit by bit
the transformation (back into your true self) is
happening. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you so very much. I still can’t believe you’re
here. There's so much I’ve wanted to do, but until
now I’ve mostly been too scared. I did an acting
course once, which was brilliant. I don’t act at all now,
but with Roger-Susan quietening down for the
moment at least, I feel I could maybe again.
Although I still have to do lots of things Roger-Susan
say. I sometimes have to disinfect my hands, as soap
isn’t enough. I tried not to do that today, but still had
to. But I’m now thinking, as I don’t have to do the
exposure thing anymore, if I’m still doing that for
now that’s OK…isn’t it? Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
That's fantastic about the acting – how exciting. We
can use some of that acting skill later as we go along
in terms of character formation and the mask thing.
I'm here, I'm here. It'll all be fine, you'll see.
As for using disinfectant, so what, that’s a sensible
thing to do with all the filth and germs around. It's a
ritual in any case. You could make it even more
effective by visualizing a hugely bright light around
your hands as well, protecting them from germs.
Eventually when that feels strong enough you might
naturally find yourself spontaneously experimenting
with just using the white light. But it doesn't matter.
It's only disinfectant, not hydrochloric acid or
anything damaging.
It may not fit into the so-called norm, but so what.
This is your life and you're free to live it as you wish
from moment to moment, and if that comprises
washing your hands frequently and using disinfectant
too, so be it.
It's only wrong if it's not feeling good to you.
So the first stage is making everything you do feel
good to you. The second stage is knowing you're free
to drop any parts of the repertoire you fancy
dropping. The third stage is knowing you're free to
adopt any new parts of the repertoire you fancy, and
the fourth part is you having a jolly good time
strolling in the garden of perpetual delight, helping
others reach their own gardens as you go along. Love,
Stephen

[Stephen – I'm aware some might be horrified at me

apparently encouraging the use of disinfectant here. In
fact, I'm not encouraging that at all. However, provided
Yvo only uses it in moderation, it's far more important to
encourage her to be united than conflicted. Hence if she
goes with the drive to disinfect, yet does so honoring
rather than judging and punishing herself for it, we've
started reducing self-conflict levels right there and then.
My underlying message all the while (to everyone) is to
assume your stratagems for life are correct, that the way
you roll is the way you roll, regardless of how different or
inferior it looks compared to the way others appear to be
doing it. This generates unity. And the remarkable thing
is you actually do start rolling in a more efficient way as
a result. Testament to this is that Yvo no longer uses
disinfectant to wash her hands.]

Yvonne
Thank you so much. And it’s so good that you say it’s
OK to use disinfectant. I have to try and do it so no
one sees, as they tell me not to. I really like the idea
of a huge bright light. And it’s a very freeing feeling
you’re saying it’s OK if we don’t conform and I’m free
to live my life how I wish. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Wonderful. In time as you grow more confident
others will get at you less anyway. Meantime as I
imagine disinfectant could be a bit drying for the skin
I'd recommend using a hand cream after every time
you use it, one you really love as a deserved treat, and
each time you apply it do so repeating to yourself, ‘I
do this because I love me (even if I don't always feel
it)’. That way the whole disinfectant ritual becomes
one of healing.
Provided we do or intend no harm, we each have the
right to live as we choose no matter how quirky we
may appear to the herd.
And paradoxically, the more we acknowledge that, the
less critical others become. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
I do have hand cream. I usually forget to use it,
though. I’ll have trouble saying that, as at the
moment I still don’t like myself, let alone love me,
but I’ll try. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Yes, perhaps change it to ‘like myself,’ and you don't
have to feel it, just say it each time. And one time
you'll be surprised to notice you actually mean it too.
And yes it's important to balance everything we do,
to honor yin and yang, so if disinfectant represents
yang (a bit acerbic and strong), hand cream
represents yin (soft, fragrant and soothing), and
because the disinfectant urge arises from a sense of
uncleanliness, i.e. unworthiness, it's mete to balance
that with a message of being worthy.
And take a bit of time to enjoy massaging it in–
purging-pampering–yang-yin.
Everything very gently – we have to keep R-S
reassured they're not going to vanish into oblivion,
otherwise they get scared and start making more
noise (I’m preferring the abbreviation now). They’re
actually providing a good service – they make sure
you stay alert and do things properly, it's just that
they got out of control and have been overdoing it–so
the aim is to keep their support but have it under
your command, not theirs, and the more they see you
managing OK the more they'll feel safe to relinquish
their grip a bit.
I've been thinking it could be good for you to search
YouTube for a Japanese tea ceremony clip and have a
look. Because all they're doing is formalizing a
sequence of weeny rituals, and in essence is no
different to what you've been doing with your own
sequences, except they make it into an art rather than
it be a problem. But it's no different. In England
they'd say they had OCD.
You're doing jolly well even if you can't see it yet–I'm
holding the space for you to see it in.
And I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you. Love,
Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you so much for saying you’re here for me. It
helps so much to know. I’ve watched the ceremony.
It’s incredible. In one I watched, even the guest who
drank the tea had to turn the bowl round and inspect
it afterwards.
And yes, I see about R-S and having their support
under my command, not theirs. They do still pretty
much control my day still. It’s as if they’re a type of
security for me, even though a terribly bad one, as I
don’t trust myself at all yet. I go up and down so
quickly. I'm actually feeling quite scared again at the
moment. I keep thinking I’ll do something wrong, or
say something wrong so that you won’t want to stay.
And that scares me so much.
You will stay as long as I need you, won’t you, and
you won’t think I don’t need you when I do? I’m
sorry–sorry for saying sorry, for asking again. I just
feel a bit insecure again at the moment…quite a bit,
actually, I don’t know why, and I really do know I
don’t need to. I think it’s a reflection of me that’s
worried you’ll go because I’ll have said something
wrong–not that I don’t believe you when you say you
will stay, but that it will be because of me you’ll go, if
you see what I mean? I won’t intend to, and hope I
don’t, ‘and I really love asking for reassurance, it’s a
blessing for us both and for Roger-Susan’, but I have
trouble trusting what I say, as you know, and I know
I’m very hard work. I’m sorry–sorry for saying sorry.
Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
I promise I'm not going to abandon you, and I
promise I'm staying with you as long as you need me
and that has no time limit – and nothing you can say
will change that unless you say, ‘That will be all now,
thank you’. It's natural to panic, but do know it's in
your imagination and I'm not going away, and know
you can email as often as you want and express your
fear as much as you want.
I always enjoy talking to you. You're clear and lucid
and authentic and lovely and it's a pleasure to help
you. I appreciate the severity and chronic nature of
what you've been going through and would never
dream of deserting you or anyone going through that
once I've vowed to help. It would be inhumane. Had I
suspected it might be too much I’d have not
committed to help you at the start. So feel safe to
start relaxing more about our connection. I wonder if
at some level you need to feel anxiety about it, as that
generates intensity which helps you value it more,
and if so that's fine as long as you remember I'm
avowed to remain at your service for as long as you
need me – no time limit. And your anxiety about it is
totally natural – of course you feel afraid I'll desert
you because you've not had much experience of
consistent help when it was needed. It takes time to
trust, but slowly, slowly, by and by, in the fullness of
time, your confidence will grow so strong you'll be
able to withstand any level of anxiety without losing
your center. And I'll be here all the way. So relax and
enjoy a few moments of relief – breathe slowly, soften
all the rigid areas of muscle, lengthen your spine,
drop your shoulders and remember, Big Y – the Tao
shares your desire for you to be fully healed, and
there's nothing or no one who could possibly get in
the way of that now–not even you, not even R-S. I'm
holding that knowledge in the space for you, so you
don't need to strain trying to believe it. It's happening
anyway.
I'm glad the tea ceremony struck a chord. And the
reason it’s so famous is because people everywhere
resonate with the respect given to each small gesture.
If, however, the YouTube clips were listed as loonies
suffering from obsession with details, that's how
people would see it. So it's all in how we frame it.
Although, behind all the fears lies a need to make
friends more with Big Y, the Tao, God or however you
wish to call it, and to start learning to be willing to
trust it a bit more – specifically in its capacity to
protect those you love, and that if they get ill it's
because they need to so their bodies' immune
systems can learn to ward off disease.
And this takes time. That sort of rapport and the
trust that ensues isn't something you can fake or
rush–it has to grow at its own speed. Love, Stephen

[Stephen – this was a significant juncture on many counts.

Firstly, to commit to being available to help someone for
the rest of my life if needs be, was a profound moment of
truth. I've been taken advantage of sorely many times in
similar circumstances, so I don't jump to such
declarations without looking at myself with a degree of
dispassion to examine if I'm really willing to go the whole
way with the healing process no matter how long it takes,
nor what level of intervention – as in it wouldn't likely
remain solely email-based and I had to be prepared for the
implications of such a promise…and bear in mind I'd not
even met Yvonne at this point.
Then from a healing-process point of view, introducing the
primary foundation for any reintegration of self to occur:
self-acceptance. In this instance, by demonstrating how the
criteria we use for our self-evaluations are entirely context
specific, and that by reframing the picture we have of our
lives and of how well we judge ourselves to be performing,
it opens a gap for the possibility of self-acceptance to occur.
And that's the best you can wish for to start with.
And then discerning – through various clues like her
sympathetic attitude to the notion that an angel had
orchestrated her connecting with me–that despite the
relative brutality of the nuns who educated her in the
religious idiom, Yvonne had metaphysical awareness (I
hesitate using the word ‘spiritual’ because it's a bit vague
and lazy). And though she may not still subscribe to any
traditional religious versions of the a priori consciousness
and life-force we each embodied as embryos, the same
cosmic force or presence that fuels and drives the
formation and transformation of all matter, if I could
engage her in a growing awareness of this as our collective
backdrop, we'd then be more easily able to attain and
maintain perspective and enjoy more of a sense of
proportion on her condition. So without discussing the
implicit paradigm switch in any depth, with just a simple
sentence we were able to establish an acceptance of
presence. This is the second prerequisite for any healing
process to succeed – or we might call it 1B: if 1 is accepting
yourself as you find yourself, 1B is accepting the presence
of presence, the awareness of what the Chinese call Tao –
that which generates, animates and informs this entire
moving picture show we call life.
But above all, and this is potentially the greatest risk of
all in terms of what therapists’ term transference – the
person projecting as a princess (or prince) in the tower
being rescued and succumbing to becoming infatuated with
the hero–is the need to establish I'm also a person and not
a dehumanized functionary, and that the other is
engaging with another person. Otherwise, you're both
merely doing the dance of artifice upon which most
conventional mental healthcare is predicated, wherein the
one helping assumes a false mantle of non-human
perfection and the one being helped is forced into the role
of the damaged, hence substandard, version. Contrary to
this, my role as helper is to be genuine, and to establish
myself as a brother on the path, rather than father or
rescuer. This is based on the notion we're all brothers and
sisters here, all of us walking along in the dark, holding
each other’s hands when necessary to help them when they
stumble. So though saying I was enjoying the dialogue
and acknowledging what I discerned as her lovely nature
may seem inconsequential, it was in fact momentous. It
also seemed appropriate to abbreviate Roger-Susan to R-S
at this point.]
[Yvo – it was such a wonderful and amazing feeling that
Stephen had said this, and even just reading his comments
now, it’s really only just sinking in that he did mean he’d
be here to help me for the rest of his life if need be. I know
he’d said in the email that there was no time limit, and it
was so wonderful to read that, but there was always this
feeling that when time passes things change, and I always
felt that that meant only then, when he wrote it, and I’d
do something to make him say he couldn’t help me
anymore after all (or the insecure child part of me thought
that, anyway). And I never like to assume, and also never
hold anyone to anything they say, and never like to take
advantage of anyone, which is why I had to keep checking
it was OK and that he was still staying. I would always
have understood if he didn’t want to help me anymore,
even though he said he would always be here. I’m just so
incredibly grateful and happy more than I can ever say
that he always did mean it and stayed.
With the hero thing (talking about transference), it was
very good for me that he showed me his human side.
Although I didn’t actually realize he was specifically
doing that for that reason. I just accepted what he said
and it felt normal and I liked that he talked to me in that
way. I never put him on a pedestal, nor assumed he was
perfect. It actually helped/helps me to know he struggles
with it all sometimes too–not in the sense that I’m glad
he’s suffering too, I wish completely the opposite for him
and the best for him always of course, he deserves it so
much if anyone does. But it means I know he understands
completely what it’s like, unlike medical practitioners,
who act as if they’re perfect and the one seeking help is
inferior and crazy and talked down to. Just because
someone has something mentally going on that is difficult
to deal with, doesn’t mean they can’t understand or
they’re stupid. So with Stephen it felt as if I was talking
to him on the level. He never talked down to me and
always treated me as an equal, no matter how silly I was
in what I said. And at the same time, we were able to have
fun along the way, which I always like.]

Yvonne
You’re right, there hasn’t been much consistent help
at all, which is why it is so difficult to trust you’re
staying. I really am gradually believing it, and it’s not
at all that I doubt your word, I trust you completely,
it’s just the silly insecurity I have. You’re helping me
so very much and are the first person to actually
understand and empathize completely with what I’m
going through. No one else, psychiatrists,
psychologists, or therapists, have ever been able to
understand. So I’m really frightened I’ll drive you
away with my insecurities and going on too much. I
just get so scared if I think I’m going to be left alone
in my head again.
I suppose it’s because I’ve got a mental illness as
well, and have had all my life, as long as I can
remember anyway, plus lots of other stuff seems to
have happened along the way to compound my fears
and insecurities. I still have to pretend if I can that
I’m not as bad as I am as well, or people will think me
mad and not want to be with me – another reason it’s
difficult to be myself when I’m with people, I think,
as I can’t let my guard down. And it’s another reason
I’m finding it very hard to talk to you so completely
frankly. I’m not pretending with you at all, and I’m
talking to you in the frankest, most open way I’ve
ever talked to anyone, which is very scary in itself as
you’re the one person I really want to stay and yet the
one I’m telling my innermost thoughts and fears to,
which makes me so scared you’ll go. But I know I
need to tell you and just trust that you’ll stay, as
you’ve said you will, regardless, which I am
beginning to do.
I think it's also because I still don't like myself very
much and I still have trouble believing you want to
help me. So the fact that you are and so amazingly is
still a bit unbelievable at some level. I'm starting to
believe it, though, I think. So yes, I'll try and start to
relax about our connection.
Thank you so very much again for all the wonderful
reassurances and being here and everything you’re
doing for me from the bottom of my heart.
And yes, I see all that and that it all comes down to
trusting the Tao. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Ah, dear Yvonne, bless your heart, you'll never drive
me away – that was such a heartfelt email.
You don't have a mental illness – what you have going
on is exactly the same as what everyone else has
going on–to varying degrees, at various times – but
we all have the same factors at play. Most people are
either in denial or simply not cognitive of their own
processes–you're merely honest about it and have
had to be because the noise of it was so loud for you.
Or if you'd prefer to identify yourself as someone
with a mental illness, it's only fair that you identify
every other person on the planet (without exception)
as suffering from a mental illness too.
And that's how I understand what's going on for you
and why the psychiatrists and assorted others didn't –
rather than vainly (and dishonestly) assuming I'm
sorted and the other is not, I acknowledge neither of
us is and that everything going on in the other,
however apparently extreme, is also going on in me,
either in occluded form or blatantly – hence it's easy
to get what the other's feeling. And yes, I’m here and
I'm staying. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Oh thank you so much, your emails are so reassuring.
I probably should try and drop back right now, it's
the not wanting to let go and trust thing again. I
really do just want all this pain to go away. I'll try and
turn down the volume. I know I go on as well, which
is part of the R-S thing and I should just let things go.
It's just so hard when it’s so loud. I’m sorry – sorry for
saying sorry. Thank you so very much for the
reassurance again. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Not at all, it's good you tell me, and you need to yoyo
at the moment – it's important to let yourself do so
freely and learn to trust the bounce a bit. When
something's happening and there's nothing
immediate we can do to stop it, we always have the
choice to let go and be willing to enjoy it a bit.
And don't try turning it down – it'll do that itself
whenever you do drop back a bit. And it's good you're
honoring, not trusting it – then it's a genuine
surrender to it when it does happen rather than just a
superficial flash in the pan thing. You're doing it all
fine as you are–truly – (and repeat, ‘I trust myself ’ 81x
if you're in the mood). Say hi to R-S from me if you
see them and tell them Barefoot says not to worry,
they'll be able to take a break soon. Love, Stephen

[Stephen – firstly, the apparently throwaway suggestion

to repeat ‘I trust myself’ was me introducing one of a
range of techniques, perfectly suited to email exchange, for
instituting a different sort of internal dialogue, one in
which you encourage rather than disparage yourself.
And if you repeat a statement like that – ‘I trust myself’,
or ‘I know what I'm doing’ 81 times, which is well enough
for it to penetrate your subconscious, a day or so later
you'll notice you've actually started trusting yourself
more.
Then I was starting to compound the idea that no matter
what you're feeling, no matter how unpleasant, the fastest
way to get it to change is to welcome it rather than resist
it. What you resist will persist. When you welcome a
state, you can work with it.
So imagine if your whole focus had been on turning down
the volume of the voices and had so far failed, imagine
someone who's committed to taking you on telling you not
to worry about turning down the volume. It's the total
opposite of what you'd expect, and if you went with it, it
would imply you were starting to agree with yourself to
make a change in your patterns. This is huge, because
until you're willing to make a change to your patterns,
nothing you can do will result in a genuine healing.
But the most significant aspect of this moment was me
instigating a relationship with RS as an entity. You'll see
why that was so significant shortly.]

Yvonne
You keep making me smile. I've said hello to R-S from
you. Thank you for saying I'm doing it all fine. I've
repeated ‘I trust myself ’ 81x. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Good. Next level of the process for you now.
All of that is drama and it all goes on in the front of
you. You try to sort it out in the front of you, and as
you confirm, it’s impossible–one bit gets sorted,
another gets unsorted.
It's a game for fools–and you're no fool. The only real
move to make is to learn to drop back instead.
For even though at first it's just for a moment at a
time, that opens the door, and if you keep sliding
back whenever you remember, the door stays open.
And by and by, it feels more natural and you
remember to do it more, and lo and behold the
subconscious has rebalanced all the bits and pieces
that need it and everything's feeling fine.
It’s the only way.
Intend and relax into it.
You merely have to conceive, believe, then receive.
Slowly, slowly.
Remember, no matter how clever you are, nor how
assiduous, you'll never sort out life–there's too much
of it, no one ever will. But when you sink backwards
life sorts itself out.
That's the magic trick of all magic tricks. And you
know how to do it. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you so much. I’ll do that. I’m still so amazed
by your incredible understanding and being here for
me and have trouble believing how fortunate I am
that you want to help me. Love, Yvonne
Chapter 5: Next Step
Barefoot
Hi dear Yvonne, I feel it's time to simplify.
Through all the RS waves we've always maintained a
clear conversational thread regardless. The aspect I'm
conversing with is Yvonne. The aspect we're
conversing about is RS.
Next time a wave occurs and you want to explain it,
perhaps do it as an actress quoting the lines from her
character.
We're honoring RS fully, but we're showing them
you're going to be in charge from now on–you the
adult, you the self-realized woman you already are
beneath all the drama and noise of RS. By formalizing
or shaping proceedings like this it I see it helping
keep the process moving and preclude us finding
ourselves going in circles.
So I see you the adult (YE) plus an S (for spirit
perhaps), making you the adult be YES. So when
we're conversing I know I'm talking to YES, but if I'm
talking to RS, which I'm always happy to do, just let
me know it's them you're representing/acting out in
that moment. Love, Stephen

[Stephen – in fact this was intended as a holding pattern.

I was becoming aware of another layer of complexity and
convolution and could see we could get tangled up here if I
couldn't find a way to slice through what seemed like
brambles. I wasn't clear how to proceed, so I needed to call
an emergency drawing-proceedings-to-order (to regroup
and assess where the process had got to) to see where it
took us before proceeding. And as with all such stalls,
breakthrough follows.]

[Yvo – the Yvonne aspect felt quite worried here as she

thought Stephen was getting fed up with her because she
wasn’t healing fast enough and kept repeating herself,
which she was. The insecure side came to the fore a bit
again.]

Yvonne
Yes I see. When I’m YES, I do feel so different than
when I’m talking as RS and I think it will be very
good to separate them. They control my life and what
I do. I’ve been telling them to go away, but they won’t.
Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
From now on don't tell RS to go away – you need
them with you – you just need to make them allies.
Get them to trust your leadership, not by banishing
them–you've been trying that for years and it doesn't
work–you have to honor them and welcome them
into the fold but with you in charge, because you are.
They don't ‘control’ your life at all – that's just a clever
illusion – you’re in charge–no one and nothing else.
Love, Stephen
Yvonne
I won’t tell them to go away anymore. I’m not feeling
so good today, though. I’m feeling really guilty
because I haven’t contacted my children all week. I
wanted to ring my daughter tonight, but RS got me
panicked by saying ‘If you do she’ll suggest meeting
and she’s bound to ask you to look after your
grandson and if you do you won’t do it properly’. So I
listened to them and didn’t phone her.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t say no when she asks,
but I hate it. I have to check lots that there’s nothing
on me, or on the floor where I might put him down,
or something that he could get hold of and eat or
choke on, even when it’s obvious nothing’s there, but
RS still tell me there might be and I can’t make my
mind believe there isn’t, so I have to keep checking.
Then RS get at me afterwards, telling me I probably
missed something, or held him too tightly, or
something.
And I feel guilty and ungrateful as well because any
other mother would be delighted to see her family. I
want to be. I just can’t stop RS in this type of situation
yet. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi dear Yvonne, in the process of simplification here,
the way I'd explain you not calling your daughter is
that you simply didn't feel like it. And you can come
up with a hundred reasons for punishing yourself
unnecessarily for not feeling like it, but the fact is you
didn't feel like it so you didn't, and the world is still
turning merrily away on its axis.
YES knows this. RS resists because you've been
habituated to cortisol and so needed your constant
fixes, and hence have punished yourself whenever
possible.
Which is clever in terms of getting your fixes, but you
no longer need to. You can do so whenever you want.
But you no longer have to.
So intend to handle it all easily, like a master. Repeat
it often to yourself as an affirmation: I choose to
handle it like a master–I handle it like a master.
And you will.
Tell RS that Barefoot says, ‘Stop flapping–we know
you're there–we know you're not happy yet–we're
working on it’.
Remember, wherever you are, whomever you're with,
whatever you're doing, however you're doing it,
you’re YES, this is your life, and you're no longer
obliged to waste another precious moment of this gift
of all gifts punishing yourself. You've had quite
enough punishment now for ten lives.
Agree?
No need to blow things out of proportion anymore.
That's only been happening because when you were
little and first learned to default to obsessing,
everything around you was relatively very big. But
you're an adult now, and none of it’s bigger than you.
Love, Stephen

[Stephen – we were still in the holding pattern here –

talking adult to adult, me knowing full well that no
matter how rational what I was saying may have seemed
to her, the patterns were so strong she'd not be able to
change anything through such rational reasoning.
Nonetheless, the rationale had to be presented as the
template for where we were headed.
I was also feeling her out and intuiting the extent of her
pathology, which naturally was revealing itself in layers.
So by communicating at one extreme– the rational – it
would elicit enough of a reaction to reveal the next layer
we'd need to explore.]

[Yvo – the Yvonne aspect felt very scared at this point, as

she didn’t think she could do what Stephen wanted and so
then he would stop helping her. And she really felt she
wanted to see her daughter and grandson, but RS told her
something bad would happen if she did. It really wasn’t
that she just didn’t want to and was finding an excuse. It
was a real, horrible battle with the voices tormenting her–
she couldn’t ignore them, as she’d never forgive herself if
she’d hurt her family somehow, no matter how much she
wanted to see them. But also if she was asked to meet,
there was the added torment that whatever she decided
would be wrong–almost always it was not seeing them, as
that was generally the least risky. But that’s why she
hated being asked as well, so didn’t want to get in touch
with them at all, not even to say hello, in case they did
ask, as then she’d have the decision and the added fear
that bad things would happen because of her not going.]

Yvonne
I’ll intend to handle it like a master and I really don’t
want to be defeatist, but I feel if it wasn’t for RS I
would have phoned her because the ‘normal’ me
really wanted to.
I don’t know how to ignore RS yet as they’re always so
loud and because of what they tell me might happen
if I do. I know I’m an adult now, but it would panic
me too much afterwards if I didn’t listen to them.
I really don’t want to be like it. I do see what you’re
saying and I’ve passed your message on. I’m very
sorry–sorry for saying sorry–if I’m missing what
you’re telling me.
I’m doing as much as I can to quieten them down. I
know I can’t take the voices out of my head, so I’ve
got to manage them.
I don’t know if I can handle it like a master yet
though. I want to, I really do. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Repeat the following statements. You don't have to
believe them – remember, it’s the goldfish with a top
hat’ trick.
‘I have the vision – I have the power – I know what I
want – and everyone and everything supports me
now.
‘All my internal voices support me too.
‘I'm in charge here.
‘And it's OK for me to fuck it up a little bit.
‘I'm happy to be alive – and that's enough’.
I want you to write these out by hand at least three
times – or even better, six times – at least three times
a day, as if the world depends on you doing it.
And when you email me from now on – precede
anything by RS with an RS. Precede everything by you
with a YES.
Acting out RS will cancel them out – like going up to
a homeless guy who's about to beg for money and
asking them for a pound before they have a chance to
– it throws the situation.
So before RS have the chance to say anything, you
have a go at them – the only way to overcome a bully
is to stand up to them. Tell them off roundly and
soundly, I say. Their behavior is no longer acceptable,
even to me, and I've only known them a short while –
they're being rude and stopping us adults from
having a sensible conversation, and they need to
learn some boundaries.
I'm upping the ante here – it's time – otherwise we
both end up pandering to RS's nonsense and find
ourselves going in circles. Do the affirmations. Love,
Stephen.
Yvonne
I will. The trouble is, I wouldn’t mind messing it up a
bit if it only affected me, but it’s the thought of
messing it up for and hurting those I love that I can’t
bear. That’s why I have to listen to RS, because they
say if I don’t something bad will happen to my family.
I’ve had them so very long and I would be tough on
them if I could. I’ve tried many times before, but I
still can’t risk it when they tell me it will hurt my
family. I’ll do the affirmations and then maybe I’ll be
thinking differently by then.
Also, I feel I have to say that obviously I don’t want
you to go and I know you said you’ll remain here
supporting me, which is so wonderful, but I’ll also
understand if you feel you can’t help me anymore
after what I’ve just said about not being able to take
charge yet. I know you’re very busy. Your support has
been so wonderful and amazing and I’ve not felt so
alone for a couple of months, which has been such a
truly wonderful feeling. Thank you with all my heart
for everything you’ve done for me. But I’ll completely
understand if you do feel that way. I want to beat RS
so much as they’re ruining my life, but maybe I’m
just not strong enough yet to take that next step. I
just wanted to say to let you know I’d quite
understand. Love, Yvonne

[Yvo – it sounded like Stephen was really cross and would

go away if the Yvonne aspect didn’t do what he said. She
was sure he would say he couldn’t help her anymore after
this email. She wanted him to stay and help her so much,
but she couldn’t say she could do something if she didn’t
think she could. She was so upset and writing through
tears. And she had to do what the voices said still, and if
they said not to see her daughter, then she had to not see
her, but she really felt the other part of her wanted to. She
was so frightened at this point. She didn’t want Stephen
to go. She didn’t want to be left alone again with the
voices. But she felt she had to say. She dreaded his reply.]

Barefoot
You're meant not to try and beat them but to make
them your allies – you might point out they're using
emotional manipulation of the worst kind on you.
And you already have the strength and are already
doing it.
And I'm here and staying here – and I appreciate you
being so considerate in checking. You're incredibly
kind.
In light of the RS blackmail situation, add the
following affirmation to the cycle – and don't do your
best to do the affirmations, as that's an avoidance
technique like trying–just let go and do them. They're
magic.
‘All my actions, no matter how seemingly
insignificant, have far-reaching benign effects now’.
Love, Stephen

[Stephen – this was me still feeling my way and checking

to see how responsive Yvonne might be to auto-suggestion.
I wasn't in any way expecting her to repeat the
affirmations and suddenly find herself fully healed. I was
also starting to push towards an antipathetical position in
relation to RS. I was sensing if I could instigate a
collusion with her against them, as it were, I would then
be justified as her protector-ally in requesting a direct
dialogue with them, and then have the element of surprise
up my sleeve when I finally spoke to them–as you'll see
shortly.]

[Yvo – the Yvonne aspect was so incredibly relieved that

Stephen didn’t give up on her. She was so scared of being
left alone with the voices again. The fear of being
abandoned by him lessened, and her trust in him and the
process grew stronger. She also felt her spirit had come
back a bit to fight it.]

Yvonne
YES: It’s such an enormous relief you’re staying.
Thank you for the firm, but gentle encouragement as
well. I probably needed it. It’s just so very hard
sometimes when RS get at me so much.
I’m writing the statements out.
Thank you so much for not giving up on me. I think I
gave up on myself for a bit, but I’m back now, ready
for the challenge again. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Brilliant bit of processing that – good teamwork. It's
good we've managed to distinguish the tendency of
circling and overcome it with spiraling instead–that's
why I say you have courage.
Your family getting hurt equates to what you most
love being taken away from you unless you keep up
the rituals. That's from when your dad got ill and you
made up the rituals telling yourself you doing them
would keep him alive. It's the same as the basis of
Western religion – keep up the rituals and God won't
take away whatever you love most.
Tell RS from me that I think they're a bit daft
subscribing to that kind of superstition, and that we
create what we focus on, and tell me what they say.
Love, Stephen
Yvonne
YES: You’re getting me to look at things differently
and start to get things into perspective. I hadn’t
connected that my doing the rituals is connected in
that way. The Catholics used to have to go to church
every Friday at school, which I hated as I found mass
very depressing anyway. So I asked my mum if it was
obligatory to go on a Friday and she said it wasn’t, so
once I decided not to go and sat in the classroom with
all the non-Catholics, who used to have a reading
hour then. I sat at an empty desk at the back instead
of my usual place and hoped the teacher wouldn’t see
me, but I was pretty terrified not to have gone. When
the teacher called out the register during that hour
and asked if I was in school the other children told
her I was there. I got into so much trouble. I was
made to feel I was a very bad person just because I
didn’t go to mass. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
The convent conditioning with the hellfire threat as
its lever depends on (cynically) instilling the (absurd)
belief you're not worthy, as if a god would manifest
second-rate produce, which is actually insulting to
that god–ergo God loves you and gives you life to
enjoy it.
And that starts with even enjoying the unenjoyable,
because at least you're alive–once we start enjoying it
regardless, it starts changing in actuality into a more
enjoyable life.
And that's possible when we learn to back into the
presence within (and behind). Love, Stephen
Yvonne
YES: I can see that we must enjoy life even when it’s
not enjoyable. I do feel guilty when I don’t, but it’s
sometimes very hard when RS get at me. I feel quite
bad at the prospect of writing as them, given that
you’re so annoyed with them. I haven’t said anything
from them yet, but I know they’d like to explain their
position a bit more. It’s very difficult at the moment
because they’re getting at me and I don’t feel I can
ignore them.
I’m sorry – sorry for saying sorry – for being feeble
again as YES as well. I know you’ve had enough of
RS, and I have too, but they’re still stronger than me
over some things at the moment. I really do want to
enjoy everything, even the not so good bits, and am
intending to. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
I fully understand, dear Yvonne. The main thing now
is that you know it's OK when you succumb to RS,
and not to feel guilty about it – RS use guilt as their
hook, so it's feeling guilty for feeling guilty. At least
just feel guilty – as long as inside you're watching
yourself doing it, and having compassion for yourself,
and being amused by yourself, rather than telling
yourself off for it and feeling guilty then feeling
guilty for feeling guilty and so on (remember, it's all
just theater)–or better still, realize guilt is merely a
disguised form of anxiety that God (or whoever you
project the power onto) will punish you.
But I would like to know what you originally felt you
needed punishing for when you were a little girl?
Second, drop trying – change ‘try’ to ‘intend’.
Third, I want you to feel free to tell me everything RS
said to you, but want you to put RS before and quote
them. And then the bit you say preface with YES.
With me you don't have to feel guilty or worried
about rejection or judgment – you don't have to tailor
your output for me, other than to preface what's
being said with the relevant ‘author name’.
To your list of affirmations add, ‘God is not a bastard
– God loves me now and always did and always will –
I’m now willing to see it too’. Love, Stephen

[Stephen – respecting the significance of a Catholic

upbringing, particularly a fully skewed one like Yvonne's,
I nonetheless felt it important to shortcut to a radically
transformed concept of divinity. As we know, the Catholic
model follows the Judaic in positing divinity as fairly
scary, capricious and occasionally incredibly cruel–what
you might call a bastard in the modern vernacular.
However, though using irreverence as my shock-tactic
unlocking device, by linking the words ‘God’ and
‘bastard’, the actual meaning can't be argued with even
(and especially) by the most religious person–God is not a
bastard.
I wanted to introduce a concept of God or Tao as the cosmic
presence that supports and sustains, loves and accepts,
and generates everything and everyone, so is in fact
essentially everything and everyone, rather than an
abstract phenomenon somewhere beyond the clouds who
judges and punishes or rewards people.
This is essential to the healing process – the person has to
know the background to their existence, as well as the
foreground in terms of destiny, or what hasn't yet occurred
in linear time–and they have to know that this is their
friend and beloved, not their nemesis. And that friendship
has to be encouraged and developed, with an
understanding that all people including them are
biophysical expressions of this cosmic presence, and so
unless the cosmic presence is into self-harming we're safe
to assume it'll support and provide for us. In Yvonne's
case this is particularly about being provided the help and
support she needs from others. So it was to introduce the
sense that the cosmic presence supports and provides for
her and hence other people are just its delivery service,
and so don't need reverence shown them any more than
the cosmic presence does.]
[Yvo – I was still feeling very unsure and nervous about
letting RS speak, as my perception was that they’d
annoyed Stephen so much before. And it scared me so
much when he seemed to get cross. But I trusted and went
with it. I had to. If I didn’t, I felt that he wouldn’t be able
to help me properly and I’d be back to where I started,
which was a very horrible place to be, and the thought
terrified me. I never wanted to go back there. I knew,
however scary it was, that I had to be completely open
with Stephen so he could help me heal properly. And
Stephen had reassured me that I didn’t need to worry
about what I (or RS) said. So I trusted. It was extremely
frightening, and I was always scared of his reply. It felt
like such a big risk, but I knew I always had to just say
everything as truthfully as I possibly could, speaking
from my heart and trusting it would be OK. And it
always was.]

Yvonne
YES: I’ll do that. I don’t know what I originally felt I
needed punishing for. There were lots of times I felt
scared and guilty for causing trouble, although not
meaning to at all. I hated people getting cross and
shouting at me – and still do, it really scares me.
School was a nightmare because of the bullying, and
also the fear that my mum wouldn’t be there when I
got back. There was many a night at home when the
doctor was called in the middle of the night because
my dad had been taken ill. I used to be really scared
and awake half the night, then have to go to school
the next day and was too tired and the teachers got
really cross with me for not paying attention.
I remember I got the ruler from that teacher once.
The thing was, I knew it was going to hurt so I pulled
my hand away the first time as I was scared. She
glared at me so much and then held my hand so I
couldn’t pull it away again. I have no idea what I’d
done wrong, but that’s probably the way most
children are, not remembering why they got into
trouble.
I used to get in trouble at school for not being there,
or not paying attention, and then my mum would tell
me off for having gone to find her. She used to work
in a department store and at lunchtime the voices
told me I had to go to make sure she was still there,
so I did. I used to hide behind a pillar so she couldn’t
see me, as I knew she’d be cross. I was always
discovered though. Even if she didn’t see me, other
people who worked there did always told her I was
there. Then I got into a lot of trouble and she tried to
make me go back to school, which I did sometimes,
but sometimes I’d get halfway back, then the voices
would tell me I had to go back to the store again and
then I’d get into more trouble. I usually used to go
back to school in the end most days anyway, but
always turned up late for the afternoon class, so got
into trouble for that. I can remember the terrified
feeling I had walking along the silent corridor in case
I was caught, as then I’d be in trouble twice–when I
was discovered, as well as with the teacher when I got
to the classroom. I remember feeling humiliated by
the needlework teacher once because I was late. I
couldn’t thread my needle and she asked me if I
would like her to thread it in a very loud, demeaning
voice so the whole class would hear and stop to look
at me.
As far as I can remember, this happened most days
from when I was seven and went to my first convent
school to when I was thirteen, the term before we
moved, when I’d finally made some friends and felt a
bit happy and secure for a while. I was still taking the
drugs and seeing the psychiatrist, but the voices
didn’t tell me I had to go and make sure my mum was
still there at lunchtime, as long as I did what they
told me, so I could stay in school like all the other
children and felt a bit normal for a while. Then it all
started again when we moved, only the convent and
nuns and children were loads worse. When we’d not
been there long, I must have really upset my mum
somehow because I can remember her screaming at
me and threatening to pull my hair out, so I ran away
as fast as I could and locked myself in the bathroom.
I don’t remember how long I stayed there before I
felt it was safe to come out. I don’t remember how I’d
upset her either. That wasn’t the only time that
happened.
RS: We feel rather nervous and apprehensive. We just
wanted to say that we didn’t mean to annoy you. We
were/are only trying to help and protect YES and our
family when we tell her what to do. She needs us
because she can’t trust her own judgment. She’s been
so wrong in the past and she’s very scared something
bad will happen to her family because of her, so we
have to protect her to make sure nothing does and as
long as she does what we tell her everything will be
alright.
YES: It’s really hard to tell you what RS are thinking
now. It makes me anxious because I’m frightened
they’ll annoy you like last time. I know they got a big
shock and really scared when you said you’d had
enough of their nonsense. They think they’re being
helpful and really didn’t mean to be annoying. It’s
very difficult to let go of what feels like their security.
I blame myself for so much of what’s happened in the
past, and it feels like that when bad things have
happened it’s because I wasn’t listening to them. I
regret so much of what I’ve done and what’s
happened that I’m frightened to trust my own
judgment.
I’ve had RS for so very long. I keep getting a bit
stronger and can feel so different, then I go right
back and it seems that I’m just as scared as RS. They
wouldn’t let me say the affirmations last night. As
soon as I started they butted in. When I got to the ‘I
know what I want…’ bit, they jumped in with
RS: ‘You want your family to be hurt’.
YES: So I had to stop, as every time I tried they came
in with that and I couldn’t stop them. I managed to
say it today. It’s very difficult to explain what they’re
like in my head–so relentless. I know I must make
them my allies, but sometimes, like today, I just want
them to go away as they panic me too much. My
daughter and grandson wanted to visit and I said OK,
which was quite something, but I had to make tea. I’d
been left alone to cook it, which I really didn’t like,
but was managing, just about. Then when I’d done it
RS said
RS: ‘Are you sure you haven’t put some of the dog
medicine in the food?’
YES: ‘Thank you for your concern, but no, I definitely
haven’t. I haven’t touched the box, I know that. I can
definitely remember‘.
RS: ‘But you might have. It’s too risky to give them
the food’.
YES: This conversation went back and forward for a
little while, but I was managing to keep my rational
side and trust myself. But RS were going on so much
and starting to make me doubt myself, so before they
could convince me I had to stop them this time as I
still really believed I hadn’t and I didn’t have the
ingredients to make the same thing again anyway,
and my daughter would have been extremely
annoyed with me if I’d thrown it away so I said
YES: ‘I definitely haven’t, go away’.
They were upsetting me, but I managed to carry on
and I’m still hoping now that it was OK and my
grandson won’t be ill. This probably sounds
extremely silly, but it’s very real when it’s happening
and feels very serious when it’s going on in my head.
I’ve thrown food away a lot before because they tell
me things like this. It was surprising I did actually
ignore them this time (which must show I’ve got a bit
better). During the meal RS said:
RS: ‘You really shouldn’t have let your grandson have
this food. It might make him ill’.
YES: They were starting to panic me so I told them to
go away again and said I definitely didn’t put
anything in it and told myself I would definitely have
remembered if I’d picked the dog medicine up. I
realized I should have video recorded it, then I would
know definitely–I do that sometimes. When they get
at me over everything it’s exhausting and really feels
like it will drive me mad. Sometimes I can hardly do
anything. I doubt everything I do. It’s incessant, all
day long.
Another time today I’d just filled the kettle and RS
said
RS: ‘Are you sure you filled it up from the cold tap?
You’d better throw the water away and do it again’.
YES: So I did, just in case. They often say this and
sometimes I have to throw the water away and refill
the kettle lots of times. I had to do it three times
today. Another time I’d just washed my hands and RS
said
RS: ‘Are you sure you washed your hands properly?
You’d better do it again’.
YES: Which I did. There are just so many times. I
know individually each little thing probably sounds
silly, but it’s just so incessant. Another thing today
was when my daughter asked me to wash my
grandson’s cup and with RS having a go again, it took
three washes and then I had to tell her that I wasn’t
sure I’d washed it properly and would she check it.
And then I had to give my dog her medicine, which I
hate doing as well, in case RS tells me I’ve put it
somewhere I shouldn’t. It took a while with another
conversation with RS to make sure it was back in the
packet and I hadn’t dripped it anywhere.
Sometimes there are much bigger things. RS are still
trying to worry me over the medicine in the food,
which isn’t looking after me at all as there’s nothing I
can do about it now. They said they’re just trying to
help me, but they often do that when there’s nothing
I can do about something and really panic me. That’s
not looking after me at all. They just try and make me
doubt myself all the time. So I think they think
they’re looking after me, but they’re not. I’ve actually
done well today, I realize, as I’ve cooked a meal that
my grandson ate and washed his mug up, which I
really didn’t like doing and I know I’ll avoid doing
again if I can, but I managed it. So today was quite a
good day.
I have no idea what you’re going to think about any of
what I’ve said, and I’m still not sure if I’ve done what
you’re wanting with the conversations, as writing all
the ones I have sound very silly, I know, but it really
isn’t when it’s going on in my head all the time. I just
want them to stop. They torment me constantly over
everything. And although each action they tell me to
do or not do can be very small sometimes, the result
of not doing what they say, such as my family getting
hurt as a result of the water being contaminated, or
my hands being dirty because I didn’t wash them
properly, or sitting in the wrong chair, or if I do go out
that I walked too close to someone, or didn’t go out of
the shop because someone sneezed and so I’ll catch a
cold or the flu or worse and give it to my family–the
consequences are so frightening. And I always have
to avoid marks on the pavement, especially if they’re
red in case it’s blood, and if I have seen any of my
family and given them a lift home, I often start to
drive away and then RS says I might have run them
over. So I have to move the car forward a bit, then get
out and look all around and underneath the car, and I
can’t convince myself they’re not there. Often I have
to drive round the block and go back and check again.
And sometimes I’ll get nearly home, then I have to
go back and check again. Even though I’ve seen them
go in the house RS still tell me I might have run them
over and so I have to keep looking. Or if I’ve just
washed my clothes RS tell me they might be dirty still
and I have to wash them again, or if they touch
something RS say is dirty sometimes I have to throw
them away just in case, or if it’s too late and I
shouldn’t have done what I did, which they often say,
then it’s worse as I can’t do anything about it, a bit
like the medicine in the food, which I’m keeping
under control this time. But often I can’t and I just
don’t know what to do. It’s so horrible. Whatever it is
is very real and serious to me, and sometimes things I
worry might have happened can torment me for
weeks, and then I have to tell the children what I’m
worried about if it concerns them, just in case, and
then they get annoyed with me. That’s why I have to
do everything the voices say. It’s the threat of what
will happen if I don’t. And sometimes RS say I might
have done things that I can’t tell anybody about and
the torment is so horrible, and I have to play and
replay the scene over and over in my head, but I can’t
work it out and convince myself it didn’t happen. The
voices keep saying it might have. They have such a
big hold over me and encroach into the whole of my
life and every waking moment.
I’m really sorry – sorry for saying sorry – this is so
long. I’ve told it as it is and as I’ve been thinking it.
It’s just so hard to write how things feel, especially
when there’s so many different thoughts and feelings
going on in my head. Love, Yvonne

[Stephen – this was the next level of reveal, allowing me

to appreciate far more the depth of suffering Yvonne had
experienced in childhood and hence the severity of what
she was going through now. But more crucially for me
(and obviously her), and this is fundamental to my mode
of helping: noticing, working with, and developing the
person's strengths rather than focusing on and thereby
amplifying their deficits, I was astonished at the courage
of the child Yvonne. Against all odds, in spite of enormous
fear of being caught and punished, knowing all the while
that her mother wouldn't back her up if she were caught
even though her whole motivation was to check her
mother was OK, she still went through with it. This is
truly remarkable, not just in how incongruous such
displays of courage are with a frightened child awash in
world of the pernicious voices of bullying adults and peers,
but more importantly in terms of being willing to risk
what must have felt like everything in order to follow her
intuition. And naturally it was this extraordinary
courage and strength of conviction I intended to encourage
and develop.]

Barefoot
Don't be sorry for that – it was brilliant, well done –
and if you were me reading that you'd also see so
clearly how the ‘OCD’ came about. I'd say it probably
was very much to do with your mum being angry and
letting it out on you, and you being extremely
unfairly treated by pretty much everyone, and not
having that facility for standing up for yourself
because you'd had it bullied out of you one way or
another – I can totally understand the voices
becoming louder at seven and then worse again at
fourteen – both of which ages are hormonally
turbulent as both are major growth stages, and the
kidneys weaken because they control the whole
growth process and so get strained at those times.
When the kidney energy is low anxiety occurs, and
that expresses itself as voices heard in the head–the
kidneys also control hearing in general, and if
particularly strained the hearing becomes acute
(including the inner hearing of voices), hence the
voices became very loud for you. Everyone has these
voices. Yours got louder than most because the
kidney energy was sorely battered – you had so much
to be afraid of, and what sounds like no one to allay
your fear or help you find your inner security. Had
they been able to do acupuncture or similar to boost
your kidney chi way back then, rather than take you
to a psychiatrist, you'd have not had to undergo all
this. But it was meant to be the way it was.
What you just did in separating RS and YES was
spectacular – I know how hard that was. And you can
see immediately how it unleashed a torrent of
awareness.
RS actually sound very nice – I like them. They
understand their role to protect you. They just need
to know it’s OK to relax a bit now and allow this new
way of being to develop a bit, then they'll benefit too.
And would it be brutish to point out RS is you as
much as YES is? Or would that blow the game of hide
and seek?
When you drop backwards within, do they simmer
down for as long as you're back?
Most important is to know it's all OK – it's OK to
wash and rewash, it's OK to keep repeating the
rituals, as long as inside you're watching yourself
doing it, and having compassion for yourself, and
being amused by yourself, rather than telling yourself
off for it and feeling guilty then feeling guilty for
feeling guilty and so on.
And I'm not going anywhere (tell RS–and tell them I
really like them). Love, Stephen

[Stephen – I had no real gauge to tell how far into the

game of make-believe characters Yvonne had gone at this
point and wasn't willing to risk confusing her. On the
other hand, I wanted to remind her (repeatedly) that these
sub-personalities were merely components of the whole
and that the goal was to arrive at an integrated enough
state to know herself as a unified being. Hence why I
prefaced asking the question by asking whether it was
brutal of me to ask. I was using it as a device to cut
through the dialogue between all the various sub-
personalities to the core. I was only hoping for it to create
the briefest of gaps in her habitual patterns. I'd decided it
would be best to do that in various ways fairly
consistently, with the idea that eventually, like drilling
small holes in a dam, the water pressure builds enough to
break the whole thing open in one go, and then the core of
her would be the whole of her, that she'd become
integrated. At the same time, it was my intention to
gradually help her build the strength of her core self so
that when the dam finally broke she'd not be knocked over
by the force of her own liberation.]

[Yvo – I was confused by Stephen’s question about whether

I knew they were part of me, and didn’t know how to
answer it. It was so difficult to describe. It threw me and
the RS aspect a little bit. I wasn’t sure what he was
thinking – in my head we were so clearly different. It was
very good and helped a lot when he said not to feel guilty
for doing the rituals. That made an enormous difference to
how I felt about myself.]

Yvonne
Thank you so much for saying you’re not going
anywhere. Yes, no one understood and I just kept
getting into trouble, whichever way I turned. There
are other things, one of which was that in London I
was in the second year of senior school and had just
finished the first term, then when I moved at
thirteen, I was put up into the third year (because of
when my birthday is I was the oldest in London, then
the youngest in the new school). I missed a whole
year of schooling, so all the lessons were way ahead of
anything I knew how to do. This didn’t help with the
bullying.
I’ve actually found your question difficult to answer.
Yes, I know they’re a part of me–at least, I know
they’re in my head, so they must be–but it feels like
they’re in a different part of my brain to the rest of
me and separate from the main me, which is why I
can have distinct conversations with them all the
time, but when I talk to them it feels like they’re
someone else. But I know they’re really not. They’ve
just been with me for so very long and I’m so used to
them, I think that’s why it’s difficult to answer.
Yes, when I drop back, RS quieten down too, which is
wonderful. When it’s really bad I feel I have to stay
up front, though, as I can’t leave the situation.
I didn’t realize how much worse it was making me
feel that I felt guilty for doing the rituals. It’s still
quite difficult not to, though, as if people are around
I try and do them so they won’t notice, so I can’t help
feeling guilty for doing them. It feels like I’m hiding
something, which of course I am, but if people notice
they tell me off, or if they stop me, it’s very stressful.
But if I’m allowed to quietly get on with them when
no one’s around, your saying that I don’t need to feel
guilty does make it much better.
I feel really confused and feel like I’m being
completely contrary, but I feel that I wouldn’t mind if
you didn’t like RS now as I don’t like them very much.
Most of the time it feels like they’re my enemy. I know
I have to get them onside so they can do their job
properly. But at the moment I just want them to get
out of my head. They’re still a part of me I’d much
rather not have on the one hand, but I feel I can’t do
without on the other. Love, Yvonne
 Barefoot collaborates with RS
The inner demons you perceive sabotaging you are merely
your own true self, who, having felt betrayed and
neglected by the aspect of you it perceived as having sold
out and having become a performing monkey in order to fit
in and get on, is shouting at you to get your attention.
Welcome them back into the fold, grant them a place of
honor, and not only does the self-sabotage cease, you start
to function as a unified force, and as such are unstoppable.
Chapter 6: RS Speak
Barefoot
Which part of your head are they in? Can you
describe it ‘geographically’, as it were?
I've been thinking it would be good for a brief while
if I only spoke directly to RS–would you be up for
that? And I'd like to go just one question at a time
and would like them to reply in six lines or under.
Ask them if they're up for that–tell them it will be
easy. Love, Stephen

[Stephen – this is me introducing what Hal Stone called

'Voice Dialoguing' – getting your various sub-
personalities to talk among themselves and to 'you,' the
integral you watching the whole show, the one we're
returning you to through the healing process.
Yvo has proven she has a sufficiently robust sense of
humor and sufficient existential suppleness for us to
experiment by making a game of what would be
conventionally termed multiple personality disorder.
With my method everything is used to the benefit of the
person I'm helping. Every tendency hitherto deemed
errant is deployed in a positive way.]

Yvonne
They’re somewhere on the right. And yes, OK,
although for some reason it makes me feel scared. I
think it’s because I don’t know what they’re going to
say and I don’t like what they say a lot of the time.
They’re OK with that, though, and happier than I am
actually. Love, Yvonne
PS: I think it’s really panicking me as well, because
even though RS think they’re helping, they usually
mess things up for me rather than look after me, and
I’m really worried they’re going to make me lose you.

[Yvo – this worried the Yvonne aspect a lot. She thought

RS only said bad things and the thought of what they
might say really scared her. They felt like a completely
different entity inside her head. It’s really difficult to
describe how it all was. But she knew that if she let them
speak they would have free rein and she wouldn’t be able
to control what they said. She had absolutely no idea what
that might be.]

Barefoot
They messed things up till now, perhaps, but that
doesn't mean they will from now on–it's important we
get them onside and I think I'm the man to do that.
Take it as an exercise in trust–trusting the internet
angels who guided you to me so randomly, trusting
me to have meant what I've said about being
committed to help you for the long haul no matter
what you say (or ‘they’ say), trusting yourself, believe
it or not, trusting RS, and above all trusting Big Y
(your Tao) to be guiding and protecting you. Trusts
challenged are always scary but are also the ones that
pay out the biggest dividends in terms of growth
breakthroughs.
Of course, you're always free to say no and we'll find a
different path through, but my hunch is it'll actually
be far easier than you imagine, and dare I say, fun.
And remember, you're always free to stop it at any
time. It's just my hunch this will be very helpful.
And be assured that RS can say anything they like, no
matter what – without exception – and I'll not judge
(who am I to judge anyway). You can be assured I'll
be here and be staying here for you no matter what.
Obviously the choice is yours, though.
And yes, I saw it right side temporal bone above the
ear, roughly. Love, Stephen

[Stephen – having this spatial coordinate, I was now able

to figure out what had happened, what mechanism had
occurred to split off the voices, which then became
inwardly hostile to attract her attention, and from that
determine what needed to occur for her to take charge of
her mental processes.]

[Yvo – suddenly it felt OK to let RS speak directly to

Stephen. His saying that they could say anything and he
was staying regardless reassured the Yvonne aspect
completely, and she realized that he’d be able to deal with
them much better than she ever had and that maybe she
might even really be free of them at last, or at least that
they’d not be so scary and controlling anymore.]

Yvonne
I trust you completely and am happy to do it now. It
was just quite a scary thought initially.
I’m also happy for you to talk to them for as long as
you’d like. I have complete faith in you and what
you’re doing. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Yes, I'll totally bear in mind how wonderful, balanced
and good-natured you are because I know you are –
that's established, and Yvonne the adult is secure in
that and in the dynamic of me helping and remaining
here to do so. It's RS who are afraid, so it’s them I
need to speak with most. I don't mind what they say –
I actually would rather they felt free to be authentic
with me no matter what. Just for a few days. It's risky,
but it's important to keep the dynamic changing
between us so we can make real healing happen
rather than get stuck in a rut. Love, Stephen

[Stephen – this was important because it was the first

time I introduced the notion that she the adult more or
less knows what's what and knows how to deal with life's
challenges, including those posed by internal conflict, and
that it was the unresolved traumatized child who felt the
irrational fears. To be able to distinguish between the two
is a crucial step in the healing process for anyone–we all
have residues of unresolved trauma and aspects we've
split off needing reintegration, no matter what fancy name
you give the condition. Again, I need to stress there was no
rush implicit. This in itself is unusual these days–
everyone's hugely busy and we're expected to recover in
the fastest time possible, so to be in a position to give it as
much time as required and be able to have a far more
sensible long-term approach was in a way a luxury for me
as the helper.]
Chapter 7: RS and BD
Barefoot
So this is my first question for you, RS – by the way,
I'm happy and honored you agreed to direct
communication with me – if you could relocate to Y's
left brain instead, would you be up for trying? It's
more of a logical, rational atmosphere in there, and I
suspect it might be helpful for our discussion. Let me
know and let me know your fear of doing so if there is
any. Thanks, send my love to Y, BD
Yvonne
Thank you for wanting to talk to us. We feel very
misunderstood and wanted to talk to you more, but
were scared to in case you got annoyed again. We
really don’t like people being cross with us as we’re
only trying to help. We’re a bit frightened to relocate
as we’re safe where we are and we don’t know what
it’s going to be like over there. But we’re willing to
have a go, as long as we can move back if we don’t
like it. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, I appreciate it must be scary – my respect to
you. I understand the fear of relocating too. My
concern is this: I know your primary goal is always to
protect Yvonne, and I also know that the way you're
doing it could be improved. I say this because she's
been extremely unhappy, and although you've grown
familiar with living in an unhappy environment and
so are scared to see any changes happen, she's now
finding the way to her happiness and you'll find if
you go along for the ride you'll also feel a lot better
living in a happy environment instead.
The left side has a more rational, practical
atmosphere, and I feel you'll find it refreshing–less
drama, less tension. I suggest just taking a short trip
over there so you can see what it feels like – like a
three-day vacation – and though it may feel a bit odd
at first I'm sure you'll feel enriched by it.
In any case it's not far to go and at least it may
provide an alternative. My suspicion is that even
though you're at home where you are, you'll actually
love the feeling of loosening the shackles a tad.
If you're agreeable, make the move and email me
from there. I'm not trying to trick you, nor am I trying
to get Yvonne to abandon you–to the contrary, I want
her to integrate you and have you do your job of
protecting her but in a more efficient way that works
better for her and you. Love, BD

[Stephen – this represented a startling degree of honesty

in dialogue between me and imaginary people, rather like
extreme method acting, by which, though you know you're
acting a character, you're simultaneously being
completely genuine in your sentiments and intention.]

[Yvo – it didn’t feel at all like they were imaginary to me.

And at the time I didn’t realize Stephen thought they were
imaginary either. I thought he thought they were real too.
They were so clearly separate in my head with completely
their own thoughts and feelings, and me as Yvonne had no
idea what me as RS would say. It really was like a
completely different person talking.]

Yvonne
Thank you. We know she’s very unhappy and we don’t
want her to be. She can’t trust herself so we have to
tell her what to do and, even though it makes her
unhappy to do what we say, it’s the only way to
protect her and stop anyone she loves being hurt
because of her. It’s better that she’s unhappy, as long
as her family is safe. She wouldn’t be able to cope if
anything happened to them because she’d been
careless or thoughtless. We also like that you’re here,
as we’re lonely and really want help to look after her
because we’re very tired.
We’ve relocated now. Not sure how long we can stay
here. It feels extremely strange and there’s a strong
pull trying to take us back again, but we’ll stay as
long as we can. Love, RS
Barefoot
That's good, and good it feels strange – strange at
least indicates it's doing something. My hunch is once
you get used to sitting there you'll notice yourselves
thinking more clearly, with less stress. And then once
that feels familiar I'm thinking the very best would be
for you to sit bang in the center of Yvonne's brain, as
that's the best place to keep watch over everything
that's happening. I'm happy you feel OK talking to
me, as I know we both want the same thing. And I
wouldn't want Yvonne to listen to me at your expense,
nor would I wish you to stop protecting her. I want
her to listen to you and be guided by you – I think
that's the only way. But I want you to open up to a
new way of seeing things so that when you guide her
it produces better results so she feels happier – then
you'll feel happier, too. The way you've been thinking
and therefore guiding her is a bit strict and
punishing. I think perhaps you learned it from
watching her mum and then the nuns–but I'd like you
to watch how I do it a bit. It's more of an encouraging
way – less judgmental, more accepting, less restrictive
– so rather than assume she doesn't know what she's
doing, assume she does and only protect her if she's
in actual danger. Otherwise, give her free rein a bit
more. Try telling her, ‘Well done, Yvonne, we're proud
of you, something good is going to happen now as a
result’, instead of the negative way you've been
dealing with her, threatening her with bad things
happening all the time. Try being the loving inner
guide rather than the punishing parent. You'll enjoy it
more, and it's less tiring for you. And I'm here to
help, so you're not alone anymore.
So in short, rather than usurp you I actually want you
to be even more in command – I'm going to show you
the optimal places to sit within her to be able to be
more fully in command and I'm going to show you
how being kind and encouraging to her will yield far
better results in every way.
Next question: as you sit there over on the left, you'll
notice in the corner a rope ladder leading down to her
heart area–when you get a moment would you mind
climbing down briefly and letting me know how it
feels in down there?
Bless you, RS, I feel for you and can tell you're
actually really lovely. Love, BD
Yvonne
It feels really sad, like her heart’s breaking. There’s an
overwhelming feeling of pain and longing. There’s
also so much love that’s bursting to get out, but can’t.
There’s a feeling of desperately wanting to be loved
and wanting so very much to give love. It feels tight
and restricted as well. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, I'm surpassed and impressed by your rather
startling lucidity and insightfulness. I wonder, are
you familiar with the notion of there being a presence
in the universe–a benign presence, totally invisible
yet everywhere at the same time, operating from the
subatomic level? And are you familiar with the
notion that when a person relaxes their heart area,
love flows from them naturally and love flows into
them naturally–love for and love from the presence?
In the religious idiom, Jesus, quoting the most sacred
Jewish prayer of all, was purported to advise everyone
primarily to love this presence with all their heart,
soul and mind (and to love others as you love
yourself). I suggest it because if Yvonne were to start
here she'd find that awful sadness from unrequited
longing would be instantaneously dissolved, to be
replaced by a profound joyfulness. And at a level
even closer to home (in a way), if she were able to
allow her love to envelop you too, your love would
also pour naturally back to her, and then neither you
nor her would ever feel lonely or isolated again.
Would you tell her that from me? Perhaps the most
important bit is the notion of her loving you and vice
versa. That would be a major shift for the better in
itself.
Also let me know how you're feeling sitting on the
left and whether you'd like to return to the right yet,
or whether perhaps you'd like to experience what it's
like in the middle, where you'll have a far more
balanced view of everything. Love, BD
Yvonne
It was just the strong immediate feelings we felt
when we got there.
Why do you say surpassed? Is it bad? Are you cross?
We’re feeling a bit insecure again.
Yes we are, and we’ll tell her. We’re feeling better on
the left already and she likes us there, so are happy to
move again if you’d like us to. We’re a bit frightened
you’re annoyed with us again now though. Love, RS
Barefoot
Pardon me, RS, that was my automatic spelling
getting it wrong and me not noticing – I meant to say
surprised (pleasantly so). But it's good it happened as
it gives me a clue how sensitive you are and how
afraid of being rejected. Firstly, let me reassure you
I'm not going to reject you – and you must
understand I don't stand in judgment as a father
figure–see me as a brother on the level–so I'm not
going to get angry with you because I totally
understand the pain you've been through and would
never add to it–I'm here to help take it away. Secondly,
I'm really glad you're willing to go along with what
we're doing here, because it'll all only work fully with
you behind it–and I realize how brave you’re having
to be to say it. I'm also glad you're feeling OK in there
on the left.
My next question: when you mistakenly felt I was
angry with you and the fear of rejection came up, can
you recall how it felt down in Yvonne's kidney area?
I suspect in the past people have lulled Yvonne into a
false state of trust and security and then bullied her,
and that you're rightly on the lookout for that, so I
can understand you feeling afraid, but you can be
sure I'll never do that. Love, BD
Yvonne
Yes, in the past Yvonne has been lulled into a false
sense of security and she’s trusted people, then
they’ve been horrible to her. It’s a really lovely feeling
that you’ll never do that. And we do trust you. It’s
quite difficult, though, doing all this.
We can’t completely remember, but think it was a sort
of an aching feeling, as that’s what she had later.
Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi, RS, yes, I'm here totally at your service and I'm
delighted you want the pain to go away too. When
you're ready I'll need you to go down into the region
of Yvonne's kidneys and turn on the heat valves as I'm
pretty sure they've become blocked and it's crucial we
get the heat flowing down there again, as that's what
will make the fear go away. After that there'll be
another mission to her heart area, as that's where the
pain's coming from and the not being sure of who
she, and hence where she stands in relation to others.
But first we need to get you comfortable to move
around inside her head. Would you tell me how it's
feeling over on the left? Are you more comfortable
there? What I don't think Yvonne understands yet
(but she will) is that she spent a long time trying to
make you go away, when in fact it's you she needs to
be in command of the whole enterprise–Yvonne. The
reason you took refuge in the right hemisphere was
that when she was first bullied as a child by
whomever it was, however mildly, she (like all small
children) was still mostly operating from the right
hemisphere (the creative, non-logical, artistic,
intuitive side), so she retrenched even further into it.
So when she was required to start operating from the
left brain when school began and intellectual
learning was required, you weren't able to go there so
had to control things by shouting from the right side
so she'd hear you–and because she was young she
wasn't always listening so you had to start saying
horrible things to get her attention. That's about
right, isn't it?
So now she's able to listen, it’s time to get you as
comfy on the left as the right and eventually to
occupy the center where you belong. Love, BD
[Stephen – this was partly a way of balancing the two
hemispheres of the brain before setting her in the middle
to take command of the ship. I recall it all feeling
incredibly delicate at this point, as if one wrong move and
she could tip over at any moment. And I feel it important
to say that just because this exchange was happening via
email and not in person didn't in any way detract from
the huge sense of responsibility to do a proper job for her.
To the contrary, it was even more important to be
responsible, because for all I knew her life depended on it.
And I took that seriously. At the same time, I wasn't
going to pander to her tendencies and intended to keep
addressing my attention to her strengths and skills, which
is what would technically differentiate this process from
the psychotherapeutic one, in that this comprised a
training at a radical level, a strengthening of her gifts
rather than attempting to fix something broken. My way
is to take no notice of what looks broken so I can
concentrate on what's working and allow that to grow
into the dominant aspect.]
[Yvo – this was very hard and confusing, and the RS part
of me was very scared that Stephen would get cross again
with them, as he had seemed to do before RS ‘came out’. It
felt like they were finding their way gradually, but it felt
very vulnerable.]

Yvonne
The funny thing is, just after we’d sent our last email
and before your reply, since we’ve been talking and
moved across into her left side, Yvonne was already
starting to think that she’s not the real one and we
are. The thought suddenly came into her head and
she was feeling extremely confused and couldn’t
understand why or what was happening. Then you
said in your email this morning that she would see
that we were supposed to be in command, not her.
It does feel pretty good on the left, much better than
we thought it would, and we do feel a bit in
command, but we’re also feeling a bit exposed and
not as safe. It feels suddenly like a big jump and a
very long way from a couple of days ago when Yvonne
thought she was the real one, but now we and she
knows it’s us. And we were only going to talk to you
for a little while, but now it seems that Yvonne may
never talk to you again as she seems to be fading a
bit. Should she fade? Everything’s changed and we
feel very scared and so does Yvonne. She’s very
confused. We’re feeling very confused as well.
Everything feels upside-down and in turmoil. Love,
RS

[Yvo – it felt like Yvonne was floating around in my head

somewhere. The feeling that she wasn’t the real one
happened suddenly and was a very surreal experience. It
felt like an enormous realization and was extremely
disconcerting.]

Yvonne
Sorry to email again, just wanted to say that today’s
actually a better day and Yvonne was out walking and
it was so beautiful, and then a really good feeling
came over us. For the first time we suddenly didn’t
feel alone because we have us (or Yvonne has us), and
we felt as if we or she could depend on us. It felt very
good for a second. Love, RS

[Yvo – suddenly RS felt better and Yvonne felt she was a

bit safer, that the RS part of me was on her side and would
look after her. It was a good feeling. It didn’t last, but it
helped a lot to get a glimpse of it, and to know that it was
possible to feel OK within myself.]

Barefoot
Do let me assure you this is really just the beginning
– you're only just getting back where you belong after
so many years in the cold and I'm here to help for as
long as you need me. Meantime, you've done
incredibly well in your first couple of days – I imagine
it must feel a bit overwhelming but in a rather
exciting way. Tomorrow do let me know if you feel
ready for a brief excursion, maybe an hour or so to sit
in the center of the brain and see how it feels.
As for how it should be or how you should feel, we
don't live in a world of shoulds – that world is the one
the bullies made you believe was real, but it isn't – it
doesn't exist except in people's imagination. The only
thing you need to bear in mind is how relaxed you're
feeling–that's the sign you're doing it right.
And as for whether I'll ever speak directly to Yvonne
again, yes of course – it will happen organically. The
more comfortable you become in your role of being
in command, the more she'll have integrated you, the
more you'll have integrated her, the more she'll
realize you and she are more connected in a healthier
way than she ever realized and she'll start feeling
much lighter, freer and able to communicate with
ease with anyone at any time – and so will you. She'll
finally start feeling childlike again and you'll enjoy it
when she plays. Eventually it'll be all but impossible
to see where one ends and the other begins, and
that's the idea: integration. All in good time though. I
imagine being over on the left it's a bit easier seeing
things more calmly, with less of a melodramatic tone
to it all.
Have a good night's sleep and let me know tomorrow
if you feel ready for a brief interlude in the command
position just to start getting a feel of it – it’s rather
lovely there. Love, BD
Yvonne
PS: We also wanted to say that we didn’t mean it was
the first time we hadn’t felt alone, as we haven’t felt
alone since you came – neither has Yvonne – but the
first time we had the feeling that, even if there was no
one, we wouldn’t be alone as there was us and
Yvonne, who would look after Yvonne and/or us. Still
a bit confused over all that, Yvonne’s very confused,
but we expect you know what we mean. Love, RS
Barefoot
Wow, that’s brilliant – I'd not read this before I sent
the other just now. Wow – RS, you're amazing – I
knew you would be somehow–and yes, Yvonne will be
confused, but that's because she's the one you had to
construct as a child to deal with school and all the
rest, but then the trauma came and the two of you got
separated so to speak and she took over, when it
should have been you in command all the while,
because you're her true self. So you shouted, and
when she didn't hear you started shouting scary
things to grab her attention, and then you had her
but you were still only a child yourself so you didn't
know what to do with her, so you felt obliged to carry
on being horrid to her even though you didn't want
to. And then it became such a pattern neither of you
knew how to break it.
But at last you're back, and gradually she'll realize she
doesn't really exist, only you do, and then she'll feel
amazing and in command of her own life–she, as in
you, if you know what I mean.
And then I guess you'll probably want to change your
name back to Yvonne (or actually reclaim it), but all
in good time.
I get confused myself with all this, don't worry, but
the gist of it is clear, and it’s working–you, the real
one, RS, is now where you belong: in command.
Hey, please do let me know when you're ready for a
brief excursion into the middle to have a feel of it,
won't you?
Well done, though, well done–that's amazing and
brilliant. Love, BD

[Stephen – this was the first time in the whole process I

felt we were starting to gain traction. I also knew not to
display too much enthusiasm because Yvonne would be
afraid if she suddenly got better I'd desert her and she'd
drop back into it again. In any case, I knew there was no
way this would be a fast recovery, but as long as I knew
progress was occurring and hence saving her from slipping
backwards and potentially being sectioned (committed) or
killing herself, it was good enough for me for now.]

[Yvo – that brief feeling felt really good. I was so close

still at times to what felt like falling apart, but gradually
the RS part was feeling stronger, although it came and
went.]

Yvonne
We’re so happy you’re pleased. Thank you, it’s all
because of you that we’re beginning to find the real
us/Yvonne. You’re amazing.
Yes, it is overwhelming and very strange. We feel
ready for an excursion now – a bit stronger than
yesterday.
Thank you for explaining everything. We also know
Yvonne prefers us to her now and doesn’t want to
come back anymore. Love, RS
Barefoot
That's lovely of you to say, dear RS – so are you
amazing. It's quite a different story with you back in
command–so much more positive and courageous.
Take a moment (when the time's right for you) to first
take stock of yourself sitting on the left – a moment
of appreciation just for being.
Then go across to the right and know that familiar
space you were in for all those years is still yours to
return to and occupy whenever you feel the need for
some non-linear, non-rational, creative time. Then
gaze into the middle of the brain – the hypothalamus
at the top of the upper brainstem – as that's the
governor's seat in the control tower, as it were.
Imagine a beautiful governor's-style chair there and
spend a moment contemplating it, that it's actually
waiting for you to come and sit in it and start taking
full command of the vessel.
Note the feelings you have considering the prospect
of having your first proper go at it as an adult – I'd
imagine a combination of mostly joyful anticipation
with a bit of nerves to give it edge.
Then gather yourself and slowly, purposefully,
proudly, confidently, humbly, gracefully, walk across
to the middle and sit in the command seat.
Lean right back in it. Notice how it tilts back for you,
yet remains fully supportive. Notice how comfortable
it feels–how solid, how steady.
Breathe in rhythm – relax the chest–enjoy the
moment – see the world out there before you – know
it's your oyster – know you have all the time in the
world – know there's no one to please, no one's
agenda to keep up with, no one to accommodate
except yourself. Know (with full compassion) that
everyone around is quite capable of pleasing and
looking after themselves.
Relax.
Spend an hour operating Yvonne from there, moving
her arms, her legs and so on. Simply enjoying the
physical sensation, as if driving a brand new supercar
you've just gone and collected from the showroom.
And while you're there you'll probably quite naturally
start contemplating the sort of story you'd like to
enjoy being in for the next while – where you'd like it
to go for Yvonne, where you'd like Yvonne to go, etc. –
and just picture it at your leisure. Yvonne may feel
anxious – there'll be a bit of tension in the solar
plexus from it–but that's just the residue of an old
habit. You won't feel anxious, I daresay–you'll likely
feel a bit exhilarated.
Incidentally, I suggest it's good to remind yourself of
the following with some regularity as part of learning
to operate the equipment: ‘It's actually OK for me to
feel wonderful and exhilarated all the time now’.
Love, BD
Yvonne
It was very easy to go over to the right again and we
felt nice and safe, then we looked at the middle of the
brain and imagined the chair and felt a lot of
anticipation and nervousness wondering what it
would feel like. It looked a bit daunting, but also very
inviting. Then we moved into it. It felt very
comfortable and supportive. But we also felt a pull
from the right. We kept trying to adjust our position,
but couldn’t get rid of the feeling. We relaxed and
breathed and settled into the chair. Apart from that,
there was a very big realization that we’re not
responsible for another ’s happiness as long as we
help people because we want to and care and have
compassion. We imagined how Yvonne wanted things
to be, which came very easily and was a really lovely
feeling. It did make us feel a bit apprehensive,
though.
After about an hour we went back over to the left,
which still felt better than the middle. We don’t know
why we didn’t enjoy it in the middle more, but we
couldn’t quite settle there. We have so many mixed-
up feelings at the moment. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, know that whatever you're feeling, it's OK – it's
just a feeling, and all feelings pass like clouds in the
sky. As long as you allow yourself to delight in the
experience of being alive from behind all that – so
you acknowledge the feeling
(fear/anger/frustration/doubt/whatever), and then
rather than try not to feel it, or try to push it away or
change it in any way, you remind yourself that this
feeling is just the Buddha in fancy dress (disguised as
a monster) come to play with you – and as soon as
you say, ‘Hi, Bud!’ it laughs and transforms into a
good feeling instead.
Secondly, well done with the internal moves – and I'm
glad you feel that pull to the right, because I want you
to feel even more at home on the right than you've
ever done before, because that's the creative, playful
side, and now I also want you to feel equally at home
on the left, because it's important to balance the
linear thinking with the lateral or vice versa. And
most importantly, I want you to be comfortable in the
command seat knowing you can draw equally from
linear or lateral thought and be able to operate the
equipment (Yvonne) more efficiently, economically
(in terms of stress etc.), excellently (so it meets your
admirably high standards), and enjoyably – because
ultimately that's the goal here, isn't it, for you (and
hence Yvonne) to enjoy being alive far, far, far more
all the time.
So, next step: choose an hour today and spend eight
or nine minutes as far over on the right as you can get
– really enjoy it, and remind yourself you can come
over here any time you choose. Then go as far over to
the left as you can and do the same – enjoy the
sensation of having taken command of a new realm
and let yourself start feeling more comfortable there
and remind yourself that whenever you need to think
something through in logical mode you can come
over here and it will provide clarity and focus.
Then move into the center and sit down. Note and
honor the stronger draw to the right, and at the same
time, using your will, draw energy from the left in
equal measure, so the two halves of you feel equal in
presence and strength.
And then I want you to drop down through the floor
into the chamber of the heart region (center chest,
back behind the breastbone) and stroke the interior
aspect of the front wall (the back of the breastbone)
caressingly, with your magic hands dispersing
accumulated tension there so the heart area feels
softer and more supple.
When you've had enough, come back up to the
command seat, sit for six or seven minutes and note
how you're feeling–and whatever you're feeling, say
hello to the Buddha hiding behind its folds, breathe
freely and decide the sort of feeling you'd like to feel
for the rest of the day.
Then let me know what you decided to feel.
Come back with just a simple one-word/line answer
describing that desired feeling. Love, BD
Yvonne
We decided to feel happy to be alive. Love, RS
Barefoot
And since you decided, have there been any outside
challenges to feeling such delight? Love, BD
Yvonne
No, there haven't. Love, RS
Barefoot
Well that's quite a result – do you recall any time
previously when delight held for that length of time?
And would you tell me how it felt when you went
down into the heart?
Are you beginning to trust the process of retaking
command a bit? Love, BD
Yvonne
No, we don’t.
It felt really nice in the heart today.
Yes, we are. It felt good in the center today as well.
We managed to balance it by drawing energy from
the left, as you said to. Love, RS
Barefoot
Wow, RS, I somehow knew that once you started
getting comfortable things would swiftly progress.
OK, here's the next mission.
When you're ready, drop down from the command
center all the way down behind the belly button area
into the power chamber where the chi is generated –
you'll find what looks like an ancient Chinese
cauldron. It needs reigniting. Flick the switch at the
side on the left marked ‘reignite’ and get a sense of
the heat/warmth increasing there. When it gets a bit
warm for you, come back up and sit in the command
seat for a short while to take stock, and then get back
to me and let me know how it's feeling with the heart
a bit more open and the power a bit more flowing
down below.
Let me know if you feel I need to talk directly to
Yvonne for an email or two at any point. Love, BD
Yvonne
We’ve done that. The first thought that came into our
heads was that we suddenly felt more energized.
There was a strange sensation, and we felt a warmth
in the heart. We also feel a bit more relaxed, but also,
after feeling so good yesterday afternoon, not so good
today.
Yvonne’s OK not talking again yet. She’s still feeling
very confused, and while she misses talking to you,
she’s not sure what she’d say. This whole thing is very
hard. But we also feel positive and know we’re going
in the right direction and are staying strong. Love, RS
Barefoot
Great progress RS in terms of regulating the inner
temperature.
Tell Yvonne I'm thinking of her and that we've got her
back covered, and tell her if at any time she needs to
say or ask anything just to tell you to tell me.
Tomorrow let me know what you meant specifically
by not feeling good today. Love, BD
Yvonne
We’ve told Yvonne and she’s very comforted by that.
OK, we will. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, good. Now we've/you've done this bit of a
miracle in switching the internal dynamic and got
you in command of the spaceship, which from what I
can tell has brought much more stability and
sturdiness within and now it's you doing the talking
from the central position rather than her, can you
give me a clue as to the sort of thing she's been
saying to you (now the dynamic has been reversed)?
Love, BD
Yvonne
Last night Yvonne was saying she’s very confused as
she thought she was afraid, not us, and she was the
one who always had to do what we tell her or bad
things will happen, and people are always annoyed
with her because she does what they think are silly
and unnecessary things –checking, rituals, washing,
etc. (which have decreased a lot since we moved from
the right, and so have the horror stories). She says
she likes us being in charge and she’d rather she
disappeared completely as she doesn’t like herself at
all and thinks she’s useless and it’s her in fact who’s
always ruined everything, not us. This is where things
get confused–she thinks we’re stronger and
everything she wants to be. But we’re confused as
well, as we still feel frightened to go out there and
face things and people.
We’re so muddled and it all sounds backwards now.
It’s so hard doing all this. As you say, it’s like a
miracle the way suddenly we’re in command, and
Yvonne is definitely happy about that. We’ve done the
best we can to explain things. There are so many
thoughts in ours and Yvonne’s head when we start
writing about them.
Also Yvonne would like to talk to you now directly
after all, just for an email, if that’s OK. Love, RS

[Yvo – the Yvonne aspect of me was feeling very strange

and also a bit left out and suddenly she really wanted to
talk to Stephen again.]

Barefoot
Hi RS, yes, I was wanting to talk to Yvonne directly
soon anyway. Meanwhile, we're definitely making
some progress, which is wonderful – the compelling
aspect of the rituals is starting to lessen. The
confusion is natural – even the most centered folk
feel confused when there's a lot of growth occurring
as there is with you.
What I've been thinking is that coming soon will
inevitably be the next stage of integration, where the
constructed self (for now let's call that aspect Yvonne)
is inducted into the realm that’s under your
command, which will mean RS and Yvonne become
one, so in a sense that Yvonne does vanish–the scared
one, the one who feels obliged to subject herself to
punishment from others, and so on–and that's OK.
You, RS, are actually the real Yvonne, that's why
things are getting better with you in command – the
Yvonne who was in command before wasn’t real,
hence why she was not really in command and why
you had to shout and be scary to get her attention, so
eventually all this would happen with me and the
healing-integration could finally occur.
And it’s happening and it's scary, I know, and it's
worth it, as you know.
So before I talk directly to the old Yvonne, might you
invite her to sit next to you in the center in the
command area – you'll find a lovely co-pilot seat over
at the side you can wheel next to you. I need her in
the center with you so the conversation doesn't
become disjointed for you or her.
We're making progress. It's extremely delicate, and
we’ll negotiate this next crucial step with aplomb so
relax and get ready for enjoying life exponentially
more now.
But she’s right, you're the ones that need to be
running the show all the time because as you see,
things work when you are and don't when you're not.
But before that can happen fully, you need to
integrate all aspects of Yvonne that are important for
your wellbeing – all the fine talents she's developed,
the skills, the ethos, the integrity, the kindness in
dealing with others and all the rest of it–she needs to
be able to share the command with you in that sense,
and in doing so the two of you will be partners and
somehow that will cause an alchemical fusing and
there'll just be the one of you with all important life-
affirming aspects of Yvonne and RS incorporated.
Does that dispel the confusion a tad and clarify the
path a bit more?
So once you've got her up on the bridge and done the
doors crosscheck to manual business (checking the
heart, checking the cauldron and being connected
down below), ask her to email me directly with you
sitting next to her, knowing exactly what’s being said.
Love, BD

[Stephen – this was a risk, because Yvonne was still

capable of tipping herself right over. But I was feeling
inhumane not giving warmth to the child, as it were. This
was a child who'd had more than her fair share of tough
love and it hadn't helped her, so it was important to let
her know she was welcome, but on the condition that she
started learning to take responsibility for her behavior.
The remarkable thing was how instantly RS stopped
shouting nasty things at her as soon as they were put in
command of the ship.]
[Yvo – it was incredible how the horror stories and the
rumination stopped when RS came out. But Yvonne was
feeling very left out and frightened and confused at this
point, and RS were finding it difficult to manage.]
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, it’s Yvonne here. I wanted to talk to you,
but now I don’t really know what to say. An enormous
wave of emotion came over me as soon as I sat next to
RS in the command area. It was like I was just
meeting them after so long talking to them. I’ve not
known where I’ve been really for the last week. I felt
a bit like I was floating around somewhere and have
felt not so real, and then come back a bit more
sometimes, but mainly I’ve been very happy to let RS
get on with everything as they’re doing it so much
better than I ever did. Yesterday I was really upset
and worried, but I feel better now, as I know you and
RS have it all under control. I feel so different from
when I spoke to you before. This is quite weird, as I
don’t know why I don’t feel like me – I feel very
strange. I can’t seem to remember what I wanted to
say to you when they told you I did. I think I was
panicking and worried and felt I just needed to talk
to you. I think it’s that I know I’m in safe hands with
you and RS and am happy to leave you both to it now.
Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi dear Yvonne, that's sounding a bit wonderful to
me – as if there's already significant integration
occurring.
What you're seeing is that when you let your true self
(formerly disguised as your antagonists) take
command of the ship, everything starts working
better in every sense, and I'd imagine the degree of
compulsiveness in respect of rituals and so on
declines proportionately. This then demonstrates the
distinction between the aspect of you that's
traditionally referenced itself to pleasing others and
being a ‘good girl’ (for the sake of convenience, we've
started calling that aspect Yvonne) and the true
nature of Yvonne, which for the sake of convenience
we've been calling RS. This is what the Buddhists
might refer to as shedding the ego and allowing the
true Buddha nature to be in central position – and
when people go the Buddhist route, comprising
mostly lots of meditation, the aspect of them they're
used to ‘being’ but which has only led them into
suffering starts falling away, and that same sense of
confusion and floundering you're alluding to
inevitably occurs for a brief while till the ‘Buddha
nature’ has fully taken over.
So it's not a freakish occurrence, this confusion and
bewilderment, and is a good sign.
Ultimately, as anyone who’s undergone the self-
realization process will tell you, the people-pleasing
aspect falls away almost entirely and all that remains
is the Buddha nature, by which time the person feels
perfectly in command of themselves and out of the
usual suffering that besets most people.
My feeling is to continue this path for the time being
and for you and RS to learn to trust each other–but I
think we need to find a place for you that will be
helpful to RS in their role of commanders of the ship,
and my hunch is a good place might be the heart
chamber.
So we'd have RS in the captain's seat in the midbrain
and you, as it were, down in the heart region, just for
a while. Mostly though I want you to become friends–
that's the first stage of the healing/integration
process. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
I’m very glad you say that all the confusion etc. is a
good sign. It’s extremely unsettling and the most
strange experience.
I wasn’t sure who you wanted to reply. I think RS are
probably a bit clearer than me, but it’s really nice
talking to you again as well. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi dear Yvonne, it's lovely to talk to you too–probably
best for me to talk to you and them alternately.
Probably best to let me talk to them next so we can
discuss what to do. Love, Stephen
Chapter 9: RS Wobble
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, it’s RS here. Since you’ve been talking to
Yvonne again we’ve not felt so strong. We feel very
fragile in the sense that, while we’re mostly in
command, at the moment, we don’t know if we can
stay. It feels right, but it’s all so new and strange as
well and we feel quite different ourselves since a
week ago when we first came out. Yvonne’s head is
very muddled and we feel very exposed at the
moment and we’re just a bit worried it’s all going to
go backwards again. Love, RS

[Yvo – Yvonne talking had brought her back a bit more.

She became more real again and RS felt as if she was
possibly going to take over again and they would be
sidelined back on the right again. They didn’t like this
feeling at all, as they felt so much better being out and in
command and being listened to, and they wanted to keep
going and run things. They could feel Yvonne’s fear and
didn’t want that to take over again. There was also this
fragile sort of feeling of not knowing what was going to
happen, and that everything might just fall apart.]

Barefoot
Hi RS, nice to see you again. Now are you sure it's you
who's worried about slipping backwards, or Yvonne?
It sounds like Yvonne more than you, and it might be
because she was up on the bridge with you. Yvonne
thrives on fear, so is always looking for things to
justify that while you thrive on confidence and clarity.
But either way it's normal to be afraid of slipping
backwards once finally having attained forward
momentum as you have. But unnecessary.
For a start, she'd not be able to usurp you now if she
tried–you're just too strong.
I’m sure that’s her talking rather than you.
Send her down to the heart chamber till tomorrow
and ask her just to sit and watch the world from
there–if she sits in the command seat down there
towards the rear of the chamber she'll have a clear
view out the vast window in the front. It'll make her
feel safe and she'll stop bugging you with her fears.
Interesting to note how it’s reversed, role-wise –
you're the clear ones and she's now the one throwing
up unnecessary fears. Love, BD
Yvonne
We’ve done that and she likes it there and we felt
really good again up here and much stronger and in
command again. It all went a bit wrong in the middle
of the night though. Suddenly we felt a big wobble.
Yvonne says she really doesn’t want to thrive on fear,
it’s such a horrible feeling. But she still has the family
telling her to stop being so silly, so still has no one
else but you and we know she’ll feel safe with us
soon, as we had a wonderful glimpse of that day, but
right now we can’t summon that feeling up again yet.
She would really like to know you’re here still and
staying, as you make her feel so safe.
We also know that it’s OK to have these feelings and
feel unsure, so will go with them and get strong
again. Even as we write, we can feel some strength
coming back. We’ve just said hello to the Buddha in
fancy dress. Love, RS
Barefoot
That's a remarkable email, What I can see is when
you (RS) are speaking, the emails are short, clear,
straightforward, succinct and easy to understand in
one, and when Yvonne is speaking the emails are
long, riddled with hooks (disguised pleas for
validation, etc.), and hard to understand.
Though as I say, you and her are the same, really.
It's wonderful she felt good in the heart – the danger
as you can see is that once she's inside with you, as
opposed to sitting outside over on the left
somewhere, she starts to run interference on the
peaceful, confident state within–not because she's
bad or anything like that – it's just a habit, and habits
are hard to dissolve.
So what I'd like to do is get her back outside to the
left, (where she's been since school first began so is
used to it), so she can feel herself there cognitively
and know her place as a construct of yours rather
than continue to indulge in deluding herself into
believing she exists in her own right.
Then I'd like to focus on you again, because that's
how we've been making real progress. When we've
focused on Yvonne we've just gone round in circles.
I'd like to ask you, RS, you talk of yourself as ‘we’ –
how many of you do you feel there are–how many are
you? Two, three, a hundred, more?
I ask because I talk to you as if you're just one person,
and have the impression you answer as one person,
so if that's true, I wonder why we talk of you plurally.
Meanwhile, lead Yvonne out and over to the left
outside the body – what I'd like eventually to happen
is the construct of Yvonne as someone with OCD,
whose family get irritated with etc., dissolves
completely so all there is is you (RS), because when
that happens everything will be as you (Yvonne
governed by RS) have always wanted it.
We'll get her back in again tomorrow for a bit if she
and you want, but as we can see it's risky–when she
was out you had no fear, when she came in you had
fear again.
So we have to play it by ear. What do you reckon?
Love, BD
Yvonne
Yes, we can see that too.
We’ve taken Yvonne out and over to the left outside,
which feels so much better again.
We feel that there’s only one of us, so don’t know why
we started answering in the plural. It felt as if we
were plural sort of, and saying ‘I’ feels odd, but we
can be ‘I’ now we think, if that would be good?
We’d like that the Yvonne with OCD dissolves
completely, too. She’s very confused and frightened
still and doesn’t do us any good at all. We can still feel
her and her emotions, but they’re not encroaching in
the same way again now and we feel much better and
in command again.
Yes, playing it by ear would be best we think, too. It
was very surprising and disturbing how it changed,
how we felt when she came in. Love, RS
Barefoot
You're brilliant, RS – strangely it feels more natural
addressing you in the plural, so let's continue like
that for now.
As you can tell my way is slightly crude, rough and
ready – and what I've been doing is moving ‘bits’
around so each could appreciate their own position
and that of the other, on the basis of if you make
something move around a bit you can see it more
clearly – but this really is wonderful that you've seen
how when Yvonne gets in the machinery the fear
spreads and when she's outside it there's no fear. So
what we have to do now is fortify your position so you
feel steady and unshakable in the command position
up on the bridge and in charge of the machinery
down below, so that no matter who says what to
Yvonne in the outer world, you'll remain perfectly
equipoised regardless.
Around that time I imagine is when Yvonne can be
somehow integrated, but under your command, and
you can then perhaps swap names as it were.
Does that make sense and feel about right?
This is remarkable – what we're doing here, I mean–
utterly remarkable. Once we give the presence its
rightful place everything comes back to balance –
now we've given RS your rightful place, everything is
coming back to balance, and we don't even much
have to talk about OCD or whatever – once the
presence is in command all the noise stops. Love, BD

[Stephen – this is what I'd call a precious jewel moment –

I'm talking to RS and I'm talking to Yvonne and
developing my conspiracy with the integrated person –
and doing it here by celebrating with her. I do want to
reiterate that though these comments make it seem as if
I'd contrived every move like the Magus, in fact this all
flowed intuitively, though I was, and am always,
completely cognitive of why my intuition is guiding me to
act the way it is.]

Yvonne
Carrying on as ‘we’ feels fine for us too. Yes, it is
remarkable. We can’t believe the difference we feel
when we move things around. This whole thing and
what we’re feeling is incredible and it’s quite amazing
how our thoughts and feelings can change so quickly,
as when we moved Yvonne back outside this
morning.
We’ve just been down to the heart chamber and
engine room and done the daily checks.
It feels so good stroking the heart area particularly.
Why is that, do you know? Have we neglected it
maybe? Love, RS
Barefoot
That's remarkable to hear, good – the heart is the key
to peace so it makes us feel good when we go down
there–the Buddhists practice ‘thinking from the
heart’ as an all-round panacea.
Next, I'd like to ask some questions about how life
was for you all those years you were shouting for
Yvonne's attention in vain–how it felt and so on. I've
heard a bit about how it was for her and now I'd like
to know how it was for you. I think it could be helpful
to look. Love, BD
Chapter 10: Recall
Yvonne
Thank you for explaining about the heart.
We don’t know how much we’ll be able to tell you
about how life was and how it felt all the years we
were shouting for Yvonne’s attention, as it’s never
been from our perspective till now, so we’ve not
thought about it consciously, but will wait and see
what your questions are and then we’ll know whether
we know the answers. Love, RS
Barefoot
The way you explained not recalling those years as
they weren't experienced from your perspective was
absolutely brilliant, and was as I suspected it would
be. And I'm sure that by stimulating your recall
about it so you start seeing your past from your
perspective rather than Yvonne's as it were, it'll play a
major role in the healing of Yvonne overall.
I'm not totally sure how to go about this other than
how I'd probably work with anyone who'd apparently
forgotten vast chunks of their childhood, and ask first
if you, RS, can recall any of the major incidents of
Yvonne's life, starting with the happy ones such as
the birth of her first child. Do you recall any
moments from that? Love, BD
Yvonne
Yes, we do recall that moment. We feel an
overwhelming sense of joy. There’s also another
feeling, but we can’t quite work out what it is. When
we first read what experience you wanted us to
remember, we thought we’d be able to easily and it
would be all wonderful. A word that’s come into our
head, along with complete joy, is ‘concern’, concern
for Yvonne for some reason. Yvonne was always very
anxious. This is totally not what we thought we’d
write when we read your question, although we didn’t
think about it at all really, as we prefer to write
spontaneously to you, but the immediate expectation
when we saw the question was that that would be
easy to remember and it would be all good. So we’re
feeling a bit confused at our own thoughts. A wanting
to help, but unable to, keeps coming into our mind.
We can’t get away from that feeling. This is the
strangest experience and a little bit disconcerting.
Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, the concern – that sense of being responsible
for Y (maybe better calling her Y, as it could be good
to save the name Yvonne for you in the global sense
once all aspects are integrated) – like being
responsible, hence concerned, for your own child – as
if you knew Y wasn't able to enjoy the full experience
because she couldn't let go of the anxiety, so you felt
concern for her. Am I getting that vaguely right? This
is excellent though – because as I suspected, even
though at the time from Y's perspective I'm sure
she'd have heard your voices as critical or scary, etc.,
in fact what you were feeling was loving concern. And
if I'm interpreting what you're saying correctly, this
proves/confirms how all along you’ve been the
benign being at the heart of Y, misinterpreted by Y as
the enemy. And hence now you're here in command –
and I understand there's much to learn and get used
to with this new responsibility – your benign
influence is being felt by Y.
There's great value in this insight I feel. You knowing
yourself as who you really are: the benign, wise,
caring, responsible, concerned presence now
governing the realm.
I'm inclined to start doing a little energy-focused
work now.
To wit, an ancient Taoist technique for establishing
mental and emotional stability – it’s called
harmonizing fire and water. The kidney area – as in
that lower ‘chamber ’ down behind the bellybutton
and all the way down to the pelvic floor and up to the
sides of the waist – is the chamber that governs
energy production and vitality-strength-stamina-
fortitude-resilience levels. The kidneys correspond to
the water element in Taoist cosmology.
The heart region – the ‘chamber ’ in the chest, governs
the caring, passionate, compassionate, feeling, nobler
human functions. The heart corresponds to the fire
element. The heart is also said to be the house of our
consciousness (the brain merely a servo unit).
If the fire burns too hot, the mind races and the
thoughts become unruly.
So it needs the cooling effect of the water to keep it
(and hence the mind) in balance.
By the same token the water needs the fire of the
heart to keep it warmed (like a boiler) and hence be
able to produce the body's energy efficiently.
This technique stimulates the flow of heat from the
heart down into the kidneys (from the middle
chamber to the lower chamber), and stimulates the
conduction of cooling agent from the kidneys up into
the heart (from lower chamber to middle chamber).
All the while the consciousness – RS – remains in the
upper chamber – the flight deck, sitting in the
command seat, overlooking the procedure.
It involves imagining the breath is moving so that
when you breathe in the breath seems to move in a
stream from behind the bellybutton up to the middle
of the chest area behind the breastbone. Then as you
breathe out, it's as if it streams down from there back
into the lower chamber again. And you repeat it nine
times slowly, all the while watching/feeling it happen
from up on the flight deck in the upper chamber –
fully in command of it all the time.
It's one of those things that in the early stages
sometimes you feel strongly, sometimes hardly or not
at all, but you do it anyway and pretend you do (that's
the traditional Taoist approach to practice in general–
it leads to feeling it in time). You may find you feel it
instantly, but it does tend to come and go, hence why
it's good to practice it three times today at least.
Then sit for a moment, and when ready let me know
what if anything you felt and are feeling?
After this I'd like to do a bit more recall with you,
because I believe if we can re-establish a conscious
connection to what you've been experiencing while
Y's been the one describing the experience and
instead get the perspective from your own angle, it'll
somehow help you take more and more command of
Y, so that relatively quickly it'll be impossible to
dislodge you–and once you're impossible to dislodge,
I suspect all the OCD-related symptoms will
spontaneously dissolve or at least subside to a
comfortable workable degree. Love, BD
Yvonne
We’ve practiced the technique six times as it felt
good. The first time it was easy to visualize the
stream going down from the heart being warm. We
also felt a burning sensation there. After the third
time, there was a warmth in the lower area and we
also sensed the coolness of the breath going up. We
also felt a tingling or buzz everywhere. We can feel
the energy strongly as we do it. When we finished
this last time our heart was really pounding.
We’re happy to do more recall. We do feel quite a bit
vulnerable still to Y. We can feel her still and she talks
to us, not in the really intrusive way she did when she
was in the command chamber with us, but she’s still
querying what we’re doing and asking if it’s alright
and trying to put doubts in our mind. We keep telling
her it’s OK. But we’re concerned she might get to us
still, so strengthening our position would be very
good. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, this is brilliant – you've had a much stronger
connection to it than I'd imagined you might.
However, to preclude an overload in the heart area at
the end, finish by breathing in and out nine times
slowly, as if through the ridges beneath all ten toes at
once. This will draw the chi down into the lower part
of the body where it needs to be (this is a good one
for whenever the head feels a bit crowded).
The warmth is the energy/chi, yes, and a good sign of
health and vitality flowing, and when that flows the
mind does too.
It's interesting how the positions have reversed –
with Y being the one contributing the fearful voice
rather than vice versa (though I imagine it was
actually really always thus under the surface). Love,
BD
Yvonne
Thank you, we’ll do that. We were thinking the same
thing about the reversal. It’s not horror stories
though at all, just anxiousness. Love, RS
Barefoot
I suspect the best thing for Y's low-grade chronic
anxiety is to focus more inner heat into the kidneys.
Today go down and inspect the engine room to
regulate the temperature etc. You'll see a small switch
in the middle on a machine like box in front of the
cauldron with ‘internal duct of the triple burner ’
written on it – flick the switch and it diverts heat
directly to the kidneys. If you've time, stay there and
enjoy feeling the sensation of the kidneys warming
up.
And if you speak to Y today, tell her it's OK to feel
anxious as long as she's enjoying it, but she's no
longer obligated to feel it.
Also, once you've done the engine room mission, do
some heart smoothing, and later when you get back
to the bridge spend time focusing on the actual
mechanics of breathing. The idea is to train it to flow
slowly and evenly all the time so that when Y starts
up the worry whir you remember to keep the breath
moving this way as that instantly antidotes the whir's
effect.
Next, the liver sits on the right – the Taoists call it the
home of the primal self – the unbridled, potentially
unruly, passion-fueled wild self, or id as Freud called
it – and as you know the rational mind's job (the ego
as Freud called it) is to temper the urges of the id (the
impulses arising from heat in the liver) so one can
live a socialized yet somehow fulfilling life.
The spleen sits on the left – the Taoists call it the
home of the rational mind.
And you can imagine there's generally a bit of a
tussle going on between them at all times – it's the
clichéd ‘fight between the devil and the angel within,’
but this is where the energy for it derives.
The Taoists reckoned that were we able to harmonize
these two energetically at the organ level, the two
warring factions would find a workable balance and
inner peace, and confidence would be increased
considerably thereby.
The way it’s done is as follows: the liver being the
ostensibly more powerful (primal power unbridled is
more powerful than compressed power channeled
into intellectual thought), it tends to grab the energy
of the spleen, leaving the spleen a bit cold and damp
(which makes the mind go in loops just as with so-
called OCD). But instead of taking that heat away, you
actually start by giving it even more. This lulls it into
a state of false security and it relaxes–that's when you
grab the energy back and move it into the spleen.
So you breathe in as if breathing into the spleen on
the left, filling it with life and love, then as you
breathe out, you stream that life and love into the
liver on the right. And you do so nine times slowly.
Then you do the same in reverse. You’ll likely find it
instantly and remarkably strengthening and
stabilizing emotionally. It also even helps the
digestion and so on immensely – it will help fortify
you and make you feel sturdy. The liver is also what
provides energy to support the personality, the aspect
of you that interacts with others.
Let me know when you've done that and if you feel
anything – stay up on the rear of the bridge while
you're doing it. Love, BD
Yvonne
We’ve done that. We felt a strong heat in the liver as
we breathed across into it from the spleen, then we
felt the heat go across the middle as we did the
reverse. We couldn’t feel the spleen heating up very
much, the heat seemed to not quite get there. But we
did visualize it all and are feeling pretty calm and
relaxed at the moment. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, yes, the liver is a greedy-guts and the spleen
meek by nature so it takes a while. However, the
effect will be far reaching psychologically too as it
will increase your capacity to receive (help, support,
respect and all the other important things) from
those around you, which will automatically cause
them to give you more of it.
Also, now you're in command the pressure to get
things perfect all the time is likely decreasing day by
day. Love, BD
Yvonne
Yes, it is. We just still have a fear of others getting
cross with us. We know we shouldn’t feel scared. And
thank you and yes, we think we’re getting stronger
with everything you’re getting us to do. Love, RS
Barefoot
It’s not that you shouldn't feel scared – scared is only
scared. What is worth looking at however is that
you're afraid of another getting cross with you, and
however irrational, a fear of being hit. Is that correct?
I imagine this is a fear dating back to childhood.
Love, BD
Yvonne
We hadn’t thought about it directly. We can still feel
the fear of what Y’s mother would have done to her if
she’d caught her that day. There was another time
when she had and was trying to pull her hair out and
Y was holding her head trying to stop her. We
remember she used to get annoyed with her a lot.
Talking about this has brought other thoughts up. As
well as Y being frightened her mother would
disappear, her mother was always telling her she
didn’t know what she’d do without her and
confirming that Y would always be there as well for
her, which Y didn’t want as she was only little herself.
And she used to sulk as well as be cross if Y said or
did something she didn’t like and Y had to keep
saying sorry and that she didn’t mean whatever it was
she’d said or done to try to get her mum to be OK
with her again. And it used to scare Y so much in case
her mum didn’t forgive her and stayed cross or not
talk to her, or went away, which she threatened to do
often. It all made Y feel more insecure. But yes, we’re
pretty sure it’s a fear of being hit. There was the
threat of it a lot we remember and being chased and a
feeling of not knowing what was going to happen and
being scared generally. Love, RS
Barefoot
Firstly, brilliant you’re recalling events as RS now, but
as the adult you can surely see the anger your mum
expressed at your expense was her own frustrations
vented rather than your deficit of decorum or good
behavior. That needs correcting in retrospect – you
need to go back through time and heal the young Y
by explaining to her it’s not her fault and is in fact the
responsibility of the parent to act in an equilibrated
manner towards the child, not vice versa – little Y
needs to forgive herself.
Underlying all this, though, is the fact that young Y
projected authority onto her mum, with whom,
incidentally, she was co-opted into a codependent
relationship. But as RS, I'm betting you can already
see now that the only person on the entire planet who
has any authority or power over you is you.
And by and by you will grow stronger.
The most important thing is that you, RS, are starting
to recall the past from your more balanced, grounded
perspective. Love, BD
Chapter 11: Confusion
Yvonne
Hi Stephen, it’s Y here. I hope you don’t mind me
emailing again, but I just wanted to talk to you again.
With everything going on it’s quite hard right now, it
feels really strange and I feel a bit different from the
original Y. Is that the integration? I’m very confused
and feel so emotional. But I also trust RS more now.
Love, Yvonne

[Yvo – Y was feeling more and more unsettled and scared.

Since speaking to Stephen again the first time, she’d
become more concrete again, instead of disappearing,
which it had felt very much like she was going to do at the
beginning when RS came out and took command. But she
also didn’t feel like she belonged anywhere. She felt very
confused and didn’t actually want to be around. She’d
been quite happy when she thought she was disappearing
for good.]

Barefoot
Hi dearest Yvonne, you’d have to have a pathological
ability to repress yourself not to feel confused at the
moment. What exactly are you confused about?
And yes, that's the integration.
Meanwhile, how utterly amazing you're starting to
trust RS now – a month ago, if that, you believed
them to be your arch-nemesis. This is profound in the
healing sense, more than you can presently imagine.
I’m here. Love, Stephen

[Stephen – pointing out the glaringly obvious (to the one

on the outside looking in) – that she's making immense
progress by comparing her present state to where she was
just a month ago – is imperative because from her own
point of view all she'll be thinking is how slow she is at
improving. However, my enthusiasm must be tempered,
otherwise she may suspect I'm getting ready to offload her.
I'd ascertained the only way Yvo would feel safe to
continue in the self-healing process was if she felt secure
in the knowledge I'd not desert her midway through as
everyone else had previously. She'd also revealed she was
reticent to let me know she was improving lest I thought
prematurely 'job done' and walked. So having ascertained
as best I could that she was genuinely respectful of my
time and input and would not take advantage of my
support, I felt on balance that though it would take time,
long-term it would take less time if I kept addressing and
assuaging her insecurities rather than insist she simply
hurry up and get it for herself, which is exactly what had
happened to her previously, and would have just left her
stranded again.

Most people in the helping position wouldn't go anywhere

near this approach and I'd not normally myself because it
could be construed as pandering to the person's
manipulative tendencies arising from fear of
abandonment. But I knew she wouldn't take advantage of
me. This is partially what makes this such a remarkable
story.]

[Yvo – it was so wonderful that Stephen saw this and

knew. Yes, it did feel as if I was moving very slowly and
even going backwards sometimes, and there was still a
great fear of doing that. It terrified me. It felt like I was on
the edge of the precipice and could fall back down at any
moment. So to know Stephen was there as a stable healing
platform helped me more than I can say, and without this,
I think I would have toppled over. Knowing he was there
to catch me helped me keep taking steps towards the light,
it felt, and take what felt like big risks. It felt like I had to
keep letting go and trusting it would be OK. I couldn’t
have done that if I’d thought he might not stay, or might
be going soon. But each time, from what he said and his
reassurance, I knew he was really with me. I can’t describe
the fear still going on in my mind at this point. But I
never assumed he would stay, and would never have
wanted to take advantage of him ever, so I had to keep
checking frequently that he was still staying.]

Yvonne
I think the main thing I’m confused about is that I
suddenly realized I’m not the real Yvonne. That was
such a shock to realize. Yet I can still think and feel.
Sometimes I feel more here, like today, and
sometimes I’m not really here at all, so that feels
really confusing. It’s as if everything I thought was
correct is backwards. And also I’ve been agreeing
with RS that it would be much better for Yvonne if I
didn’t exist at all. I still don’t like me, but I like RS
now. I used to think it was RS that messed everything
up, but it wasn’t, it was me. So it’s the confusion of
coming to terms with all this, I think, and all the
different feelings I’m feeling. And the fact that
sometimes I’m here more than other times. The
whole thing is so strange. Sometimes it feels like
there's a third person here now too. It’s like an overall
onlooker, but that’s not possible is it and it’s only a
vague feeling? But it’s making me feel a bit stranger.
Yes, I remember saying a few weeks ago that I didn’t
like RS at all because they got at me so much and I
felt as if they were ruining my life. Then suddenly
when you got them out of the right and into the
command seat it was incredible. The horror stories
stopped and then I realized they were the true
Yvonne, not me, and they seem to manage everything
so much better than I ever did. It feels like my days
are numbered, which isn’t a bad thing, I don’t think.
Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi dear Yvonne, yes, there is a third entity, or aspect –
the witness-bearer that’s the background presence –
the Tao or ‘superego’, as Freud called it–but for now
the important thing is the dynamic between you and
RS and how that’s healing so fast. That’s brilliant.
Yes, the confusion is completely understandable as
the old Y realizes things were the opposite to what
she'd believed and now has to find her place in the
scheme of things. This is what happens when anyone
engages with what we normally call the spiritual
process–the dissolution of the false ego–and it
inevitably makes the person feel disoriented–perhaps
that's the best word for it rather than confusion?
You're in fact doing so well it's hard to put in words.
I feel if we pass the talking stick back to RS again so
we can move through a couple more techniques with
the ‘internal alchemy’ aspect, then you and I chat
again after, it might be good. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you so much for saying I’m doing so well. Yes,
I’m happy for RS to talk to you again now, and, as
you’ve seen, they’ve already replied. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi dear Yvonne, just letting you know I've not
received an email from RS – you said they'd sent one
– so perhaps ask them to resend as I'd not want them
or you to imagine I was ignoring you/them. Love,
Stephen
Yvonne
Sorry – sorry for saying sorry. I didn’t mean for you to
think they’d sent another one yet. I was meaning the
earlier one you’d replied to.
I’m really sorry for not being clear and making you
look for one that wasn’t there. This sort of thing
makes me feel terrible, as I never want to mislead or
annoy anyone and I would never do that on purpose.
I really didn’t mean to. I feel so bad. I hope it’s OK
and I hope you’re not annoyed, ‘and I love asking for
reassurance as much as I love receiving it. It’s a
blessing for us both and for RS’. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Dear Yvonne, even if you told me you'd sent a
hundred emails you hadn't sent I wouldn't mind and
would never wish you to feel a moment's stress over
something so inconsequential. Everything’s fine. My
only concern is that you know I’m here and not
ignoring you. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you. I know you were only taking care of me. I
just have a big thing about people not believing me
when I really haven’t meant to do something. I know
everything’s fine now. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
You wonderful woman. You’ve managed to steer
yourself out of that one very quickly. Love, Stephen
Chapter 12: Negative Reactions
Yvonne
Hi BD, it’s RS again here. We’ve done all the
visualizations and the liver spleen exercise again, but
still didn’t really feel the heat go into the spleen.
Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, I'm relieved you're back. I can see Y’s been
running interference on you a bit. But that's OK–
we're not machines, and a bit of flux and flurry is
helpful as it’s how we build resilience.
It also gave me a clue how intensely the paranoia
grips her. But the fact is you're stable and you're the
real her, so the more we can focus on you the better
it'll be for Y too.
To start with today when sitting (without shoes on)
use the heel of the right foot to massage fairly firmly
the instep of the left foot, especially up near the
jutting out bit where the ball of the foot is, pushing
the heel into that groove just proximal to the jutting
out bit–and then using the left heel on the right
instep. This stimulates the spleen chi via the spleen
meridian.
The spleen is the source of maternal chi in the body,
and one way of describing what you're doing is
learning to be a wise, loving mother to your own
inner child.
When you've done that and gone through the fire and
water and are sat right back inside up in the bridge,
get back to me and we'll do the next bit. Love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you. Yes, Y just hates anyone thinking badly of
her, especially people she cares about.
We’ve done all that. The feelings were very powerful,
more than previously. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, well done – that's masterful.
Next, breathe in through the center of the forehead
backwards over the brain to the base of the back of
the skull, then breathe out from there back over the
brain to the center of the forehead–nine times – this
cleanses the mind of any residue of old negativity. Do
this after running through the routine we've/you've
been doing and finish by doing the toe breathing to
ground it.
All the while the prevailing thought: ‘I'm actually
starting to enjoy the theater of undergoing all this
transformation and feeling all this chippy-choppy,
whirly-swirly sensation–I must admit, it's kind of
fun’.
And this process over the last few emails has been
invaluable. Have you any idea who it was Y first got a
disproportionately negative reaction from for doing
nothing particularly wrong? Was it her mum? Love,
BD
Yvonne
There are a few times we can remember. Once was
when she’d failed her eleven plus. She got home and
her mother was at the kitchen sink. She told her
without turning round that she’d failed. Y was very
upset. Her mother said she knew Y would and was
very cross and sulky with her. She seemed to think
she’d failed on purpose. And Y really wanted to be
told it was OK and for her mother to believe she’d
done her best and was very upset too. She really
wanted a hug from her mother – hugs never
happened, but Y would have loved one. So many
times that’s all she’s wanted so much – just to be
hugged and told it’s OK.
Another time Y was seven and at the dentist. He was
drilling her tooth and kept telling her it didn’t hurt
when it did, and the nurse was holding her down
because she kept wriggling, and the dentist was
getting very cross with her, then suddenly he slapped
her hard across the face, then walked away really
annoyed. We can visualize it all still very clearly: the
room, the dentist, and the feeling. Y felt very bad
about it as he was very cross, but it had hurt a lot and
she couldn’t keep still. It was a big shock when he hit
her.
We have a strong feeling there are other times she
doesn’t recall yet. She was held by her aunt once
while her mother was cuddling another little girl. It
was quite strange – for some reason this aunt was
holding Y, who was struggling to get away and her
mother and aunt both thought it was very funny, but
Y didn’t. Love, RS
Barefoot
All very helpful – the 11+ vignette almost made me
cry. And that unjust restraining is a recurring pattern.
But more to the point, it's a sign of healing that you're
able to recall past trauma without it causing present
trauma. This is excellent progress.
I was in any case going to suggest the next stage is
doing that exercise Y did ages ago – looking back to
the left to FUN and giving FUN that reassurance and
hug of unconditional love and acceptance. Are you up
for that? That young Y (FUN) really needs it, I think.
Love, BD
Yvonne
We’ve looked back to FUN and given her a hug.
We’ve told her it’s OK and we’ll never let anyone
harm her ever again. She’s crying now, or we are – we
don’t know. We’ve also done all the exercises,
including the new forehead one. Love, RS
Barefoot
I'm delighted to hear you feeling so clear, strong and
resolute, RS. And I can relate to the crying – I feel the
emotion with you.
It would be good to do more healing of FUN by going
back to a couple of other traumatic moments, but
only if you’ve the stomach for it. I was thinking
perhaps the rape at seventeen, for instance.
The next energy-opening move: picture the two
hemispheres of the skull opening like a flower and a
huge shaft of super-bright light stream down from
the heavens in through the opening, and suffusing
your brain and your whole body – see it as the
cleansing light of absolution to purify you at last
from all the negative energy others have afflicted you
with since childhood.
Behind all this is a growing relationship with and
trust for the Tao – the ineffable presence – and
gradually learning to trust that it loves you fully and
always did and always will, and is increasingly
delighted to feel you coming back to it after so many
years out in the cold.
Meanwhile, slowly, slowly, steadily, without rushing,
huge progress is being made (by you) very quickly.
You're remarkable. Good teamwork in fact – I meant
between you and I but then recalled Y, YES, FUN, and
the angels and realize it really is a team, isn't it.
And I’m here with you all the way. Love, BD
Yvonne
Yes, it is good teamwork. And thank you for saying
you’re here with us all the way, it’s so comforting.
We’ve been thinking about all the horrible things that
have happened and the rape makes us feel so
horrible still. The thing is Y blames herself for being
so weak and feeble and getting into the situation and
not being able to stop it. She didn’t tell anyone. Love,
RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, it's a privilege to bear witness to your courage
and focus.
So the light streaming down is to cleanse you of all
the guilt of others you’ve been carrying for others –
the boy who raped you, your mum’s, and so on.
Repeat that exercise once more today, then go down
and check the engine room and smooth out the heart,
then turn to 17-year-old Y and forgive her and ease
her conscience and confusion–and hold her till she
gets it. Love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you for everything you say. We’ll do all that.
We went for a walk today – it was so peaceful. We held
17-year-old Y. She didn’t want to be let go of and we/Y
started crying and couldn’t stop. It all still hurts so
much. We do keep having positive thoughts and
intending, but sometimes it just feels as if we want to
give up. We don’t mean to be ungrateful and will be
strong. It’s just a bit difficult right now. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi dear RS, you’re the most genuinely appreciative
and grateful person, so don’t fret about that. The part
of you that was abused doesn’t exist anyway – it’s
merely a set of sensations that happened and the
memory of that set imprinted on the neural circuitry,
but there’s no actual entity – because what you are is
Tao and Tao cannot be besmirched or damaged. The
exercise now is just to stay with it and keep dropping
back out of the drama state to rest your system for a
moment. Love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you – everything you say helps so much. We’ll
drop back as often as we can and hold firm. Y’s been
pretty much here with us. We haven’t even tried to
put her out again today. We’ve reassured her we’ll
look after everything. Love, RS (and Y)
Barefoot
Yes, it’s natural for Y to be with you – in fact, it’s a
healthy sign that integration is happening. But you
do have to assert command – she’ll prefer that
anyway as she knows when she’s running the show
anxiety takes over, and she enjoys that as little as you
do.
And yes, hold firm within.
Underlying this is the Taoist notion of being able to
observe the local self (Y) going through its drama and
confusion but remain thrust back enough within not
to be identified with that drama and confusion – and
the more we do, the more the drama and confusion
tends to work itself out anyway.
Be strong and patient – very soon the light will have
started returning a bit, and it will grow and a short
while hence you’ll feel better and clearer and freer
than you’ve ever felt before.
That’s the only intention you need have for now – to
visualize yourself as that – this is a description of
remaining in a state of grace (or ‘virtue’, as the
Taoists put it) – ‘te.’
And I'd say the comparison of now to how you felt
three months ago stands up in clear view as quite a
shift for the better. Love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you, we will. Yes, there’s no comparison. We
were barely going out of the house and upsetting our
family so much with the OCD and intrusive thoughts.
The family was trying to get Y to go to an OCD
residential clinic and she really didn’t want to as that
would have meant being with other people and also
they would have tried to make her do the exposure
thing, which was so horrible. She was frightened they
would just book it and take her there. They told her it
couldn’t go on as it was. They also wanted her to take
the drugs.
So yes, when Y found you she didn’t know where to
turn. It felt like she had no one, no one who
understood anyway, and we really can’t describe how
it was. It’s so amazing how the OCD improved when
you brought us out and started talking to us. There’s
still things Y does, but she’s gradually getting better.
And your way is so incredibly kinder than any other
way and it works. And you’re also helping us deal
with all the underlying issues, which we know now
are crucial, and most importantly, helping us find our
true self. Everything you’ve done and all you’re doing
is absolutely incredible and amazing. You’ve given
and are giving us so very much–helping us find our
true self and true path and showing us the Tao – we
and Y can never thank you enough for all your
kindness and caring and everything you’re doing.
Love, RS
Chapter 14: The Angels
Barefoot
Oh, you’re so welcome, I can’t tell you how much. I’m
a bit speechless and humbled by what you’ve said –
it's such a privilege to be helping not just you but the
angels who are helping you (and helping me help
you) – and I never go on about angels, but this is
special.
But I must also say that were it not for your innate RS
strength that got you to refuse the drugs and so on,
we'd not be here doing this now, so let’s honor
them/you for your huge courage and strength and
tenacity too. Love, BD
Yvonne
Yes, it took a bit of asking, but the angels came when
they knew we absolutely couldn’t take it anymore.
We’d run out of options and if they hadn’t brought
you when they did, we probably wouldn’t be here. It
felt so very much as if all we were was nothing but an
annoyance and a burden on our family, and upset
them all the time and didn’t do any good at all, so it
would be better not to have existed anymore. So our
courage and strength had all but gone then. We felt
as if we really couldn’t fight anymore.
And thank you so much for what you say. When we
were fourteen and stopped taking the Valium, we
vowed we’d never take drugs again. There’s been a lot
of pressure though, and we almost gave in, as at least
if we were drugged up our family might not feel the
effects of the OCD so much. It was a terrible feeling
of guilt that we were upsetting them and wouldn’t do
what they wanted. We’d tried the psychiatrists,
psychologists, etc., but didn’t want to do these other
things, like the residential. So there’s the torment of it
all and the guilt and the loneliness. But we’re here
now, thanks totally to you. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, refresh my memory, when did you start taking
the Valium? I ask as knowing how personality-
changing Valium is over a protracted period,
especially when the personality (not to mention
kidneys etc.) is in the flux of the pubescent years, this
would probably have been a major contributory
factor in the anxiety, panic, lack of self-trust and so on
suffered by Y over the years.
And yes, thank goodness you had the strength and
wisdom to resist everyone wanting (obviously
benignly) you drugged up and out of the way. Well
done for that. That's huge. The angels needed to see
your commitment before they stepped in – and
rightly so, for had that been lacking can you imagine
how confusing what we're doing would have been?
Yvonne
Yes, we see that, that the angels had to know we were
ready. It just felt they let us get to the very edge
before they finally helped. We were begging them.
We can’t remember exactly when we started taking
Valium. We started off on Phenobarbitone at seven.
We’re fairly sure it was just a little while before we
moved, so about twelve. Love, RS
Barefoot
Yes, I imagine those drugs at such a formative age
played a major role in the confusion of Y and your
retreating further and further into the sanctuary of
the right brain. The angels were evidently with you all
the while, protecting you.
How long time-wise do you recall you were begging
the angels for help before you googled and it
connected you to me?
In tai chi self-defense, when the opponent throws a
punch at your face the idea is to wait and wait and
wait until you can feel the wind of the air displaced
on your cheek and then turning the head (from all the
way down at the waist) just enough for the punch to
slide by (by millimeters) – turn a moment sooner and
the punch-thrower merely follows and lands the
punch. So it takes huge courage as you need to wait
till the last millisecond before yielding – and it's the
same with life–we have to have the courage to let the
yin reach the extreme before it turns into the yang–
and that's what happened with you and the angels. I
get the sense this is quite rare and came from a
genuine plea from the soul that was heard in the
angelic realm clear as a bell rather than someone
reading a book about how angels can help you and
deciding to have a go. Love, BD
Yvonne
It was over the space of about six months or so we’d
been asking the angels. We’ve always felt there’s
another realm or something that we can’t see that’s all
around us. It’s a feeling we’ve always had and have
wanted to reach it for a long time–we hope this
doesn’t make us sound very odd. Now you’ve
introduced us to the Tao it’s starting to make sense,
and is wonderful. So we were asking the angels,
whatever they were. We didn’t have a preconception
of them, really, just something intangible with us and
around that we couldn’t see, but could help somehow.
We’d decided to give it one last try. It must have been
very clear we were asking for the last time. We told
them we couldn’t go on any longer and really wanted
not to exist anymore at all and wanted to end it. We
started calling out loud to the angels and begging
and begging them to help us. We then typed ‘angels
help’ into the computer. We think we probably were
going to see if anyone knew how to call them better
than we did. We were in a terrible state at the time
and could barely type, or see the computer keys for
the tears. We can’t describe what we were like and
can’t remember how we got to your page. We suppose
it must have come up and we clicked on it, but we
really don’t remember seeing it, or doing it. The next
thing we remember is your page being there. So we
emailed you and we calmed down. We had hope we
think is what we felt. It was a sort of last-ditch hope.
But it was enough to keep us going and you replied
quickly. And know you’re here with us now is such a
good feeling.
We’re starting to feel a bit better. We can feel a spark
of something, not sure what, but a feeling of
something inside us that’s good. Love, RS
Barefoot
What a delight to hear that. Yes, it's these small
subtle changes we can trust – the big melodramatic
ones tend to be flashes in the pan – but this
unexpected subtle increase of clarity despite feeling
the same unpleasant sensations is precisely how it
happens, the healing, and was how I'd imagined it
happening today when I predicted you'd start feeling
a bit better. You describe it so eloquently.
And yes I am here, and it’s good you know that – this
in itself is a sign of great progress. Something is
happening at the deep level – a strengthening of your
psychic (literally soul) anchors, so to speak–I can see
it. Soon it’ll be as clear to you too. Love, BD
Chapter 15: Fear of Falling Backwards
Yvonne
That’s so good to know, thank you. We’re actually
having a bit of trouble right now again. Y’s been
getting at us a bit, but we’re managing to tell her that
it’s OK. She’s feeling quite upset, but we know she
has absolutely no reason to, so are managing her and
staying strong. It’s quite hard, though. Love, RS
Barefoot
Yes, I understand. It’s important to know that
everyone has this same battle between their true and
conditioned selves. Most are not so fortunate in
having to look at it and so heal it–they spend their
whole lives deluded. You have been given this as an
opportunity, and as any hero will tell you,
opportunities have to be claimed and that doesn't
come without challenges along the way–and you're
doing brilliantly. Love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you. Y’s really panicking right now though,
thinking you’ll go away as we’re taking command and
it sounds like we’re better. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, you must now learn to hold steady in your
position of impartial observer of the internal theater,
so that when Y’s panicking you're observing without
succumbing to it yourself.
It takes time to learn. I’m here, I’m not going away.
Relax and allow yourself to progress – and part of that
is accepting the appraisal that you’re progressing.
The fear of abandonment is the childhood fear of the
father leaving. But you, RS, are not that child so you
don't need to fall prey to it. Even Y isn't that child and
there's no need for her to fall prey to it either. Love,
BD
Yvonne
We know we mustn’t let Y get to us, but the thought
of going back to how we were scares us and Y so
much. We think neither of us has ever grown up. We
just get so frightened still at the thought of being left
alone again. Love, RS/Y

[Yvo – the RS aspect was suddenly feeling very weak

again and had let Y come in, and they weren’t sure they
could stay in command. Y was so scared and they also felt
her fear so much. It felt like turmoil inside my head and
there was a lot of confusion. There was a terrible fear or
dread that I’d be left alone again and I didn’t know what
would happen if I was.]

Barefoot
Hi everyone – it's not that you mustn't let Y get to
you, RS, it's that you must stay up on the bridge and
in command of the ship, even and especially when
she's acting up.
And yes, I relate to that – we're all children – and
we've also clocked up a fair few orbits of the sun since
those original traumas and are a lot savvier as a
result. So the aspect of Y who panics is the four-year-
old, say, but you, RS, are not four, you've clocked up
many more orbits since and have learnt much. So
you’re able to stay up on the bridge and watch the
drama of Y without being it.
It’s early days yet, so be patient. In fact, you’re
making progress at a great rate and need to
acknowledge that–doing so will strengthen you. We
need you strong in your own right and confident of
standing on your own two feet. And it's happening.
So let it. Otherwise you remain stuck, and we’re not
going to let that happen. Agreed?
I suspect the next stage after this crisis has settled is
to experiment with melding RS and Y and seeing how
that feels. Imagine even just moments of
experiencing unity of self – how soothing it will be.
That’s what I want to go for next: moments of self-
unification. And you’re the woman to do it. Love,
BD/S
Yvonne
Thank you for making us smile. We thought we were
doing OK today, till it suddenly all went wrong. We
know we’re not four and have seen a bit of life, but it
still hurts and we still find it very hard to cope with it.
It’s the rate of progress that partly scares Y, as she’s
frightened it will all go horrible again and we’ll be
back where we were.
We do want to let it happen and stand on our own
two feet, but it scares us too. We’re just feeling in
quite a muddle, that’s all.
We’ll try harder to keep it together. We can’t stay
stuck, we know that. Love, RS/Y
Barefoot
That’s OK, dear Yvonne, it’s totally natural to be
feeling these things. And though the rate is great,
great is relative to where you were three months back
and relative to being fully in your power as a constant
we've a ways to go yet–but at least progress is
happening, as if it wasn’t, imagine how hard it would
be.
And all this confusion is par for the course.
I suggest for now sitting yourself down in your belly,
face out, and let RS take command of the ship from
up on the bridge. Just let go and give yourself a rest.
And above all, know all is well and all will be well
and everything's being taken care of. Trust that. Love,
Stephen

[Yvo – this made RS feel much better as Stephen could see

that it was mostly Y talking, not them. They had let her
in, but it had also become muddled and so they’d felt it
was their fear, but it wasn’t, it was Y’s. Knowing this
made them feel stronger again and know that if they could
get Y out again they’d start to feel better and would be
able to manage again. They were also very reassured by
Stephen saying to trust that all was well and would be
and everything was taken care of.]

Yvonne
Thank you so much. Everything you say is so
comforting. I’ll go down to the belly now and see if I
can stay there, at least for a bit anyway. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi dear Yvonne, I’m glad I was able to comfort you.
It’s also occurred to me to say that we don’t have to be
perfect, we don’t have to be brilliant, we don’t have to
be correct in all we do, we simply have to be (alive)
and to love being (alive)–it’s important to remind
yourself of this often. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you. I will. I’m feeling much better now. Love,
Yvonne
Barefoot
I’m happy to hear you’re settling again within – well
done. And I’m glad the notion of easing off on
ourselves strikes a chord – it helps, doesn’t it. Love,
Stephen
Yvonne
Yes, it does a lot, thank you. I’m going to leave it to RS
again now, knowing I can talk to you at any point if I
need to, can’t I? It’s still really good to know I can,
even if I’m not the real one. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
You’ve a great sense of humor on the existential level
(where it counts), dear Yvonne – none of us are the
real ones when it comes down to the nub. The only
real one is the Tao – we’re all just relative – but it’s fun
once we get the hang of it, and you’re getting it fast.
And yes, of course we’ll always be flexible about
who’s talking to whom. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
We hadn’t really thought properly about it, but yes,
we see that of course. Thank you. Love, Yvonne
Chapter 16: RS Finds the Power of the
Tao
Yvonne
Hi BD, it’s RS again here. We just wanted to let you
know we’re feeling better too. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, brilliant work on your part. Well recovered.
Now, breathe ‘mother ’ energy in through the rear
thorax and ‘father ’ energy in through the kidneys,
and breathe out through the center of the chest into
an ovate spheroid suspended a few inches in front of
your chest. As you breathe, the sphere starts to
slowly, then more and more quickly, spin on its
vertical axis before your very eyes, and the more it
spins the more your love and acceptance of self and
everyone else grows, regardless of residues or what-
have-you.
Do it nine times–nine is the most powerful number
for positive change, according to Taoist numerology.
Here's why:
1x9=09, 0+9=9
2x9=18, 1+8=9
3x9=27, 2+7=9
4x9=36, 3+6=9
5x9=45, 4+5=9
6x9=54, 5+4=9
7x9=63, 6+3=9
8x9=72, 7+2=9
9x9=81, 8+1=9
10x9=90, 9+0=9
and notice how when the 6x9 comes in, the digits
reverse so 45 becomes 54, 36 becomes 63 and so on–
this is because 6 is the yin number and 9 the yang and
the play of 6 on 9 reverses yang to yin – fascinating
sequence, and the only number this happens with.
Love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you for explaining. What an amazing number.
We’ve done the exercise. The sphere was slow to start,
but towards the end was spinning fast, as you said it
would, in fact. Love, RS
Barefoot
That's wonderful news – keep breathing light into it
like that and keep it spinning as often as you can, as
this builds up a force of protective love around you
and is incredibly powerful. Love, BD
Yvonne
We’ll do that, thank you. Also, we feel a calmness,
even in Y today, which is such an amazing feeling in
itself as Y used to feel anxious constantly, so any time
at all without anxiety is good. Love, RS
Barefoot
That makes me breathe a sigh of relief on your
behalf, dear RS (and Y) – truly.
Now for the next step. This is very powerful –
perhaps the most powerful technique in all of Taoism
in terms of protection and connection to all that's
beautiful.
Visualize a fiber optic-like stream of bright light
ascending from the coccyx to the crown of the head,
up the rear of the spine, then see it loop over the top
of the brain, down behind the forehead, behind the
throat, chest, belly, and pubic bone, hook back
between the legs, and re-join the ascending section to
form a loop of bright laser-thin light up the rear of
the spine and down along the front.
As you inhale see the rear ascending part's light
intensify, as you exhale see the descending aspect
intensify. Repeat nine times.
And repeat that at least three times today. Love, BD/S
Yvonne
We’ve visualized that three times so far and will do it
a couple more today, as we liked the feeling very
much. We also suddenly had the thought that what
we need to do is expect the good, not worry that
things will go wrong. We know the Tao has it all
sorted out and will look after us. So Y’s fine now and
we feel good too. Love, RS
Barefoot
How amazing is that – I couldn't have wished for
better for you at this stage dearest RS (and Y) – this
really is magnificent – even to have the thought
unbidden is a major breakthrough in my eyes. This is
why it's such a pleasure to reassure you – because you
do things with it – you do the work. I hope you're
starting to feel proud of yourself – I’m proud of you,
as one human to another.
OK, next bit – as you inhale and the light goes up the
rear aspect say to yourself, ‘The power of the Tao is
within me’, and as you exhale and it goes down the
front aspect tell yourself, ‘The grace of the Tao
surrounds me’.
As you repeat this you'll probably start getting a
sense of power and grace as you're saying it.
See the power like an iron rod going up your spine
and holding you steady through any possible
turbulence. See the grace as an effusion of golden
light all around you.
Then as the light goes up the back you say, ‘The
power of the Tao is protecting me and directing me to
the highest good’–as the light goes down the front
you say ‘The grace of the Tao protects me and
connects me to the highest good’. Love, BD
Yvonne
We’ve done all that. It feels really powerful and we
can feel the rod keeping us steady and also visualize
the glow surrounding us and the grace. I think as
we’re doing all the exercises every day we’re starting
to feel our own strength now. And we’re going out
again and being around people. Three months ago,
we would barely leave the house and it was getting
steadily worse. In the past Y’s improved a bit, then
relapsed, but it feels different this time. Love, RS
Chapter 17: Panic
Barefoot
Hi dear Yvonne, the reason it’s different now is
because at last you’ve started seeing it not as a
disease or not even as an ‘it’ at all but as a series or
pattern of moment-by-moment choices. That’s why
it’s not about getting better, then having relapses –
it’s just a flow of choices, and slowly, slowly training
your mind to spot the options as they arise and to be
able to choose freely rather than feel compelled as
often. And now you’re learning that you’re able to
take those choices sometimes, and it feels better than
the old choices you were making, and bit by bit as
you get more used to it, it becomes easier to do, as
with any skill, for that’s what it is – you learning a
new skill.
Meanwhile, it's brilliant you're learning to source the
power within, and I'm here with you holding the
space till you're fully confident to hold it yourself.
Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Yes, I think I see that about making different choices.
I felt like I didn’t have a choice before. I had to do or
not do what the ‘OCD’ told me or bad things would
happen to my family. Now the big torments and the
catch-22 situations, which were so horrible, have
gone. It’s just so amazing how I could be so much
better in such a short time. The big turning point was
when you started talking to RS. Love, Yvonne

[Yvo – Stephen replied to Yvonne as he saw some of her in

the email. She was feeling quite settled and happy that RS
were running things and was starting to trust them. But
she’d also got used to being around again now, which was
a bit disconcerting as she had been happy when she
thought she was going to disappear. Now she felt much
more concrete again.]

Barefoot
There are no words to express my joy in hearing that.
Yes, it was remarkable what happened when we
activated the RS connection – but that’s because
you’re remarkable. And don’t worry I’ll abandon you
because you’re making progress. I won’t – to the
contrary. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Wow, thank you so much. Yes, it was the most
amazing thing and feels like a miracle the way it
happened. And thank you so much for the
reassurance again. It’s starting to sink in that you’re
not, but still wonderful to hear. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Important to hear too, dear Yvonne – you need to
know there’s a stable healing platform here and not
something you rely on which then vanishes–it’s
important you feel safe now, as this process is
delicate and requires all the inner stability possible.
And yes, it’s a beautiful miracle and a privilege to be
part of and privy to. Love, Stephen

[Stephen – I recall noting myself, saying it was a

privilege, as this totally transforms the dynamic by
removing yet another of the layers we all use to distance
others, by including myself as a human with feelings
about the process, not just a service provider.]

Yvonne
Wow, thank you. You truly are the most kind, caring,
wonderful and amazing person. Love, Yvonne
Barefoot
Ah, bless you, dear Yvonne. And yes, the fear of
being rejected for being who you are started very
young so will naturally resurface every time a
connection with someone arises that’s important to
you. Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Hi dear Stephen, having said I’m feeling better, I
know I’ve got to go with the flow and be strong, but
I’m not feeling so good again today. I’m finding it
really hard right now and am getting into a bit of a
panic and don’t know what to do. It feels like I’m
going to go backwards again and I’m really scared.
You will stay, won’t you? Love, Yvonne

[Yvo – Y was feeling very scared again suddenly. She’d

become more concrete again and RS were concerned they
were losing command. They felt very weak and she felt
very vulnerable and anxious and frightened she was going
to be left alone again. The whole feeling was one of much
instability, generally.]

Barefoot
Anxiety is only anxiety, dear Yvonne. Breathe and let
RS pilot the ship for you. We have to have you
standing on your own two feet. You have to rely on
your inner self. You’ve nothing to fear with RS here.
Put them on now and I’ll give them the next exercise.
Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you, I will. Sorry – sorry for saying sorry – I
was feeling very weak and it just got to me again. I’m
so frightened of being left alone again and going
backwards, but I know it’s OK and I won’t. I’ll put RS
on now. Love, Yvonne

[Yvo – it was really hard here. Stephen was being firm

and that scared Y too. But she also knew he was right. She
had to get stronger and trust RS and that it would be OK,
even though it was so scary. So she managed to let go and
leave it to them again. It took so much courage to do, and
me as RS could feel that frightened, terrified child so
much. I can’t describe how hard it was. She was quite
beside herself with fear at this point and didn’t know if
she could do it.]
Chapter 19: Building Self-Belief
Yvonne
Hi BD, it’s RS here ready for the next exercise. Love,
RS
Barefoot
Good dear RS, important phase of the mission now.
Next stage is to build self-belief. It’s a mysterious
phenomenon and isn't to be understood intellectually
but built as an energetic or psycho-energetic force.
Picture a strong stream of light originating in the
pelvic floor and streaming upwards diagonally to
meet with an orb of energy suspended just in front of
the breastbone center. This is the (universal) love orb.
As you inhale gather the light at the pelvic level, then
as you exhale transit the light to the orb via the
stream–do it nine times and watch the orb grow
brighter and brighter as a result. As it grows brighter
it equates to self-belief growing stronger.
Repeat three times today, all the while repeating to
yourself, ‘I'm willing to believe in myself more now’.
Observe all of this from up on the bridge at the back
from the command seat.
Make sure the breathing is going on down below,
freely and smoothly.
Make sure the engine room fire is burning properly.
Make sure the heart area is relaxed.
Be compassionate with Y and at the same time be
clear and strong that you’re in command. It’s very
important that you stay firmly in command for a
while, until she’s through this next bit. This is the
next level of training–no more pandering to Y. Feed
back to me tomorrow any slight changes in terms of
levels of belief in yourself. Love, BD

[Stephen – this was us now surging ahead. I was aware it

was perhaps premature and was in any case early days for
discussions in self-belief, and didn't want to enter a
conversation with her at this stage on the nature of self-
belief, nor did I want to encourage her own inner dialogue
about it. I wanted to cut straight through to the part of
her that already has self-belief by suggesting it out of the
blue.]

Yvonne
Hi BD, yes, we’ll make sure we stay in command.
We’ve done all that and we do have more self-belief
today. We feel more able to stand up and face the
world, whatever it brings, and have told Y not to
worry, we’ll look after her. Love, RS

[Yvo – this was a very difficult time. Y was being

extremely vocal – this aspect desperately wanted to ask for
reassurance again and also apologize for being too needy
and was again frightened Stephen would go away because
she had been. She felt ashamed of her behavior. RS found
it extremely hard to deal with her, but had managed to
regain command and were feeling quite strong and
determined again not to let her back into the conversation.
They told her they’d look after her and she’d be OK. And
they knew they could trust Stephen. While it was
extremely hard, it was also very strength-building and
they realized necessary for Y to learn to trust RS too. They
were determined they would stay strong.]

Barefoot
Hi RS, brilliant.
Next–three refinements, which though very subtle
are equally very powerful: when gathering the light
for the self-belief exercise, on inhaling imbue it with
the qualities of integrity (as in all aspects of self being
integrated), and determination (as in willingness to
keep persevering towards a given aim).
Then on the loop when the light goes down the front,
you're releasing anyone and anything that needs
freeing from your orbit for the highest good, and on
the up-thrust you're drawing anyone and anything
that needs to be in your orbit for the highest good.
And last but most, when dropping back now start
seeing and feeling it as flowing back in a continuous
movement of presence backwards – the Taoists called
this ‘the backward flowing’ method–takes you to the
next level of personal power. Love, BD

[Stephen – this is the next stage in the Taoist practice of

self-healing. The normal tendency is to be constantly
rushing forwards inside, rushing towards the next task or
event, till before you know it you're dead and never really
got to enjoy the ride as it was going along.
Instead develop the habit of rushing or flowing backwards
inside, which is counterintuitive but actually propels you
faster, just as when taking off in a plane the g-force
thrusts you further back in your seat the more the plane
accelerates along the runway – conversely, by thrusting
backwards progressively more inside, the faster you propel
yourself in the healing process.
And as you're going against the flow of linear time, you
actually grow more youthful the older you get, till by and
by you reconnect with the inner child you left behind, but
which is in fact the source of all vitality and wellbeing.
To activate this rearwards inner rush, you might visualize
an industrial strength and size vacuum cleaner at your
back sucking you irresistibly and perpetually backwards
inside.]

Yvonne
We’ve done those exercises. We continued to flow out
of the back of us, was that right? We felt the energy
and being part of the one presence very strongly. We
also felt something in the lower chamber area and
also a tingling sensation in our body. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, the lower chamber activation is excellent, in
fact was the next stage, so brilliant you felt it already.
Next is to let that feeling spread up to the heart too.
And yes, it's that and it's a general ongoing flowing
backwards into the back, so not just a one-off
dropping-back motion but a continuous one.
Also, as you flow back get the sense of moving
against the forward flow of time, hence getting
younger and younger, and as you do undoing all
residue of pain and suffering so that you're purifying
yourself of all of it as you flow backwards.
Eventually feel yourself flowing so far back you back
into the bosom of the Tao herself and feel perfectly
held and safe. Love, BD
Yvonne
The continuous flowing back was incredible. We felt
all the pain going and being purified. And we felt so
safe. The feeling in the lower chamber went up to the
heart area too this time. It’s such an amazing,
powerful, and good feeling. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, that's brilliant work. I get the impression
things are fairly stable – is there any sense of being
deprived of drama or intensity, or does it feel good to
have the stability? Love, BD
Yvonne
It’s quite difficult actually. Y’s asking us if it will be
OK a lot, but we’re managing and reassuring her and
she is being a warrior, as are we. Love, RS

[Yvo – even though Stephen was being so encouraging and

positive, I had got myself into quite a state. It was
actually very, very hard here. While Y was beginning to
trust RS again and was receiving reassurance from them,
it wasn’t quite enough yet. She was so scared and being
very loud. She was convinced Stephen was going away and
that RS weren’t strong enough yet to look after her and
she thought she was going to be left alone and go
backwards again. They could feel her pain so much and
wanted to help, but she wouldn’t listen to them. She was
being very irrational. They were exhausted. It was taking
the most incredible amount of willpower for them to stay
strong and not ask for reassurance on her behalf. They
were being a warrior and were even telling Y to be one too.
They felt they couldn’t tell Stephen how hard it was, as
that would have let Y back in too. The whole of me felt
very shaky and insecure at this time. The RS aspect were
very concerned they were about to lose command and
retreat and Y would take over completely again. Finally
they felt they had run out of strength and in my next
email gave in to Y and asked Stephen for reassurance.
Barefoot
RS, you have no idea how well you (and she) are
doing. Relative to how you were a few months back
you've come on so much in such a short space of
time. I really do encourage you to take today as one of
discreet celebration.
I say this because what you describe – the locally
referenced constructed self (Y) asking for reassurance
from the higher self (RS) and the higher self (RS)
being obliged to keep offering the requisite
reassurance, is something every single person on the
planet is doing pretty much all the time, each in their
own way (most of them without even realizing they're
doing so). And the key as you're seeing is for the
higher self to remain in command all the time. Love,
BD
Yvonne
Yes, we see that and will take today as that, thank
you.
We’re staying in command, but Y’s still being very
vocal, so it’s really difficult. We’re doing our utmost to
prevent her from going backwards, but are having
great trouble right now. If you were able to offer any
reassurance again it would be really appreciated as
we’re struggling to stay in command. If you’re not
able to, we understand and know we have to manage.
We know there’s some of Y in this email and we know
you don’t want to talk to her anymore, but we hope
you’ll allow it this once. We’re having to reassure her
constantly. We nearly gave in last night as we felt
totally drained. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, it’s crucial that you don’t allow Y onto the
bridge at all – she’s not meant to be up there. I'm
wondering if we could try and protocolize her
entrance and exits, perhaps by having her sit in the
‘observation tower ’ on your left shoulder, and when
she wants to come up on the bridge she has to walk
up your left arm and press the entry phone by your
left ear and wait for you to open the door and has to
be willing to accept when you don't want her on the
bridge. Y’s a flapper – that's what she does, she flaps
about everything, which eventually will die down as
long as you don't let her up on the bridge even for a
moment, ever again. We'll never be able to stop her
doing it – that's what Y's role is – but we can quieten
down the noise so it no longer interferes with the
smooth running of the ship, and that's what you're
learning to do most admirably. Y must be contained –
listen to her, as her worrying may have various things
you need to take note of so you can make
adjustments where required, but don't ever again
allow her to take over–that's the key, RS, and has been
all along. Love, BD

[Stephen – I was feeling more confident in the RS-in-

command setup so felt safe encouraging RS to be stern
with her. The irony I was seeing was how difficult it was
for RS to be stern, let alone horrible to her now they'd
come out of hiding and had been given a responsible role
at last of actually being in charge of the ship.]
[Yvo –yes, it was ironic. From the moment RS came out
they had felt a softness towards Y and wanted to help her,
and felt her pain so much.]

Yvonne
Yes, we see totally. We let her get to us, but we’ll be
extra vigilant from now on and do our utmost to see it
doesn’t happen again, and we’ll never let her up on
the bridge again. Love, RS

[Yvo – Y didn’t get the reassurance she wanted, so it was

still extremely hard at this point. But RS managed to
summon up some strength again and strengthened their
position in command. They saw that she mustn’t be up on
the bridge ever again and that they needed to fortify their
position so she didn’t slip in. They saw that they had to be
firmer with her. They had a new resolve and felt much
stronger again.]
 Talking to the Tao of Yvonne
At some point in the healing process acknowledgement of
the background context of your life is essential, otherwise
the whole endeavor remains partially unanchored in
reality. Whether you call this context God, the Tao,
Buddha, Christ, the Big Self, or Christopher Robin, it
makes no difference – as soon as you acknowledge your
own transience within an eternal context it grants you a
vital and immediate sense of proportion about your own
plight.
Chapter 20: The Background Presence
Barefoot
Hi RS, good, I’m glad you feel clear about containing
Y. I’m not going to be able to email nearly as much for
a week or so, so because you are so firmly in
command I've decided to take the jump and suggest
the next big move. It'll be powerful.
As you sit back up there on the bridge with the heart
glow below and power of the engine room below that,
become aware that behind you all the while has been,
is, and always will be the Immortal Spirit-Body of
Yvonne.
This isn't Y. This is the divine presence of Yvonne,
who's been overseeing project RS from the start.
It's actually this presence that did the magic trick
with the angels and Google that led you to me for
help, and who's been guiding the whole process, and
who's kept you from true danger all these years.
In the same way primitives pray to men in the sky,
but with full self-esteem for your irreplaceable role as
the presence's thinking earth plane-related
consciousness, let yourself fall into an easy dialogue
with the Immortal Spirit-Body of Yvonne.
Tell it all that's on your mind and then listen as it tells
you what you need to know. Be relaxed about it and
don't expect instant connection–it may take a few
goes. When I did this today, for example, mine said,
‘Come on, buddy, let's have fun!’
Let me know what comes through. And I’ll be
remote, sending support chi all the while as usual.
Love, BD

[Stephen – this was another huge risk along the way –

reintroducing the God-conversation reframed and loading
it up a bit with the Taoist notion of immortality, in the
shape of ‘the immortal spirit body’. I knew this would tilt
the process for a while but felt sure it would rebalance in
our favor.]

[Yvo – This felt like an enormous step and also a sudden

jump. It made RS feel a bit more insecure in themselves
again, but they also felt an excitement at this prospect and
really wanted to be able to talk to this ‘Immortal Spirit
Body of Yvonne.’ They also felt that they didn’t quite
know what was going on, and Y became worried in case
they couldn’t do it. They knew about the Tao, and thought
it must be this they were going to talk to, but weren’t
quite sure at this stage if it was the same thing. And to
actually hear words to a question they asked was
something else and they had no idea if they’d hear
anything. But they were very keen and couldn’t wait to
try. And to know that there was this presence sitting in
the back of them/me was extremely reassuring. It made
them/me feel good.
But also RS were feeling very weak again at this stage
from dealing with Y. This whole journey was very hard,
but they knew if only they could keep going and trust
Stephen it would be OK. They didn’t want to go back, and
Y didn’t want to be in command again. She was so scared.
But they didn’t want to tell Stephen how they were
feeling. They knew he was doing everything he was doing
and being quite hard on Y for a reason, so they trusted
more than they ever had that everything would be OK.
And they were gradually becoming better at keeping Y at
bay, and when she was putting a doubt or worry in their
mind they were able to tell her that it was OK and were
staying steady mostly. They were also able to keep
dropping back to renew their strength, which was
invaluable and worked like magic till the next time Y
came in with her fears and insecurities. The whole
training of RS and staying in command needed an
enormous amount of strength, willpower, and being a
warrior. But Stephen was/is so incredibly wise and knew
exactly how to help RS to deal with Y and stay in
command. And they were gradually learning that they
could manage and be strong and reassure Y in their own
right, but it was harder than words can say during this
time.]

Yvonne
Wow, we don’t know why, but the thought scares us
(not in the fear sense–we think it might be more
anticipation at such an enormous step, a very strong
feeling of anticipation).
Y’s still throwing doubt and insecurity our way, but
we’ve been telling her it’s OK, being a bit firmer and
not letting her get to us, and then we keep dropping
back to regain our strength. We know it will be OK
and that we’re OK too as we’re being as strong and
brave as we can and we can’t do more than that right
now. It feels like all this and dealing with Y is taking
more strength than we’ve ever had to summon
before.
It feels a bit like a quantum leap we’ve taken recently
and now we’re taking an even bigger, enormous one.
But we know we can do it.
Thank you so much for all your help and the support
chi. Love, RS
Barefoot
And wow to you too, dear RS, you're remarkable. Yes,
it’s powerful, this next step, and I'm right here with
you. I know you can make this step now. Love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you so much for saying you’re right here with
us. That’s so good to know. Love, RS

[Yvo – a week followed with no contact with Stephen, but

RS were very reassured by him saying he was with them.
It helped so much to know. They did as he said and
practiced dropping back and connecting with the Immortal
Spirit Body every day. This helped them enormously. And
because I/RS was in my back a lot it was quiet, there
wasn’t all the upfront noise, which meant I could hear
any words that might come more clearly out of what I felt
at the time was nowhere. As the next email shows, I did
hear something. I asked a question, then emptied my mind
and waited, and suddenly words just came. It’s quite an
amazing experience.
But at the same time, Y was becoming very loud again at
times, and irrational, and it was as much as RS could do
not to let her take over completely again. Sometimes it
was touch and go, and some OCD-type behavior that had
gone was reappearing. They felt very weak and could feel
her pain. She was hurting so much it almost became
unbearable. It was a very strange feeling, a bit like a ghost
who wanted to move on and go away completely, but
couldn’t because it was troubled still. It wanted to know
everything was OK first–it was a very surreal experience.
In the last part of the week, RS regained some strength
and were also being compassionate with Y, and she was
listening to them more.
After a week RS emailed Stephen again. This was the
longest they had managed ‘on their own’.]
Chapter 21: The Flap
Yvonne
Hi BD, we hope you had a good trip. We’ve had a go
at talking to Big Y. We think we heard her the very
first time–some words came out of nowhere. Then we
had another couple of goes, but got no answer those
times. Then the next time we heard an answer that
we’re sure was it. The first time the reply we think it
gave us was ‘it’s time’, The second time when we sure
we heard it, it told us to ‘be as we are’. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hey RS, I woke up thinking of you today – must
admit there was a moment out there in Asia when I
worried if you were OK, as I'd not heard from you but
tuned in and felt you valiantly holding the fort and
holding back from emailing lest you disturb me – I
was both deeply respectful of that in terms of your
courage and progress to do so, and grateful for you
being so considerate as it was rather hectic there.
Mind you, I hope you knew it would have been OK to
email had you needed me urgently, and that stands
always.
Meanwhile those messages are about as profound as
could be – it's time – absolute confirmation we're not
kidding ourselves with all this (not that I thought we
were) but good to have that from her. (I have a sense
we could honor her better and preclude confusion Y-
wise were we to henceforth call her simply by the
fullness of her wonderful given name, Yvonne,
beyond such relativities as big or small–it feels more
respectful–would that sit with you?).
And be as you are – again, that's the very gist of
everything we've been doing – first with Y, to help her
realize her relationship with reality didn't have to be
viewed through the prism of her being wrong – and
then far more crucially with you (as the real her).
Because what you are is perfect, wonderful, and just
as the Tao created you. And the more you know that,
the more sound and sturdy the whole enterprise of
being Yvonne in her fullness becomes.
It's wonderful that Yvonne seems so huge and that
her messages have come through so succinctly. You
can see it's quite different from normal chat – no
chitchat at all – like a guru of few but ultimately
profound words. We can trust that–this is brilliant in
fact.
In time – and it does take time – the way is to full
integration of you and Yvonne – you as commander of
the vessel, Yvonne as High Admiral of the Fleet, if
you like – that integration (as I experience it in
myself) is utterly profound – it becomes fluent, and
life gets less jarring by the hour, and even Y will be a
helpful part of the team–she'll supply the amusement
and entertainment, in a manner of speaking. We all
have a Y, incidentally, the part that flaps and gets lost
in the drama – without a Y we'd have no one to
provide the necessary friction to keep the self-
realization process moving along.
Meanwhile, an exercise: stand feet together, relaxed,
raise your hands in the air. In your own way, slowly,
tai-chi style, describe a circle counter-clockwise
around your head 6 times to neutralize and prevent
any negative incoming or endogenous chi, then 9
times clockwise to build a positive, happy-chi,
protective force field around and within you. Then
stop and rest, allow the chi to settle, and say 6 times,
‘What I am is far larger, far more wonderful, far more
delightful and delighted than I presently realize, and
all the while I'm willing to see it and am seeing it
progressively more–and it's OK to feel wonderful and
exhilarated about it all the time now if I want’.
Then be quiet a moment, sink back, and ask Yvonne if
she has any message for you today. Love, BD

[Yvo – This was so reassuring to know that it would have

been OK if RS had emailed. At the same time RS were
very pleased that they’d managed so well, and it was
strength–building, however hard it was.]

Yvonne
Thank you so much for everything you say, and that
we can email whenever we want to. That is so good to
know. We’re always a bit concerned now though that
Y will come through, as she’s still being pretty loud,
so whenever we’ve had the doubt and insecurity and
all the other horrible feelings, we’ve done our best to
drop back and resist emailing, as we know it’s her. It’s
been so hard, though. We’ve had to deal with her
panics and she’s got to us in a big way a couple of
times. We’ve gone with the feelings though and got
through it. It’s very comforting to know that we all
have a Y. We’ve been wishing she’d disappear as she
doesn’t seem to do anything but cause problems. But
we know we just have to quieten her down more. The
thought of her being amusing instead is a good one.
And yes, we’re fine with calling her Yvonne now, and
yes, we can see how it’s different from normal
chitchat completely and it’s quite amazing.
We’ve done the exercise and said the affirmation.
Nothing came through from Yvonne this time. Love,
RS

[Yvo – Y was still being very loud, but RS had gained new
strength. They were determined to keep her on the left
shoulder and not let her get to them as much as she had
been.]
Chapter 22: Y Plays
Barefoot
Hi RS, you're very strong and doing damn well. What
occurs and occurred to me today is as follows. I get Y
as being around six years old – and six-year-olds need
to play – I doubt she ever really did that. Ask Y if she
was able to choose between panic and play, which
would it be, and if play what would it look like? Love,
BD
Yvonne
We’ve asked Y and she chose play. We then asked her
what it would look like, but she can’t describe it.
Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, I'm not surprised as she never had the
experience, but she definitely had secret thoughts of
playing and how she'd play. Ask her to describe it in
movement in the observation tower and see if you can
describe it to me for her. Love, BD
Yvonne
We asked her and this was quite different. She could
do this OK, but it was a bit more of an experience for
us than we expected. She jumped up and down,
skipped, ran around and played with a ball, and then
sat and made a daisy chain.
Once we started seeing her movements and pictures
it suddenly started to move us and we felt extremely
emotional and felt her happiness at just playing
without any worries that something bad would
happen, and no guilt either. It was an incredible
feeling we felt for her, a very freeing feeling as well. It
brought us to tears. There was a feeling we find
difficult to describe as if she’s been frightened to
simply be happy and play, as there’s always been an
undercurrent of something. Love, RS

[Yvo – this had an amazing effect. Suddenly Y really

quietened down. She also had a big feeling of relief that
she didn’t have to be responsible any more for others and
what might happen and really could enjoy herself and
play without feeling bad or guilty because she’d been
given permission to with no repercussions. She’d been
frightened to be happy for so long for fear of bad things
happening. So to know she could just play and enjoy being
alive without any worries or responsibilities was the most
wonderful feeling for her.]

Barefoot
Superb, RS, well done. Give Y permission to play like
this once a day.
Meanwhile, breathe in primal power from the earth
up the insides of the legs into the lower abdomen and
then breathe out down the outsides of the legs nine
times to get the power circulating and tell me how
you feel after. Love, BD
Yvonne
We will.
We felt an amazing feeling of energy in our lower
abdomen when we did this exercise that went up to
our heart area. It was a bit like a wave flowing
through us. We also felt really solid and firm, a bit
like a rock or tree, and as if nothing could have
knocked us over. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, this is wonderful – I imagine the overall
atmosphere within is lightening considerably.
Take time to merge back into Yvonne and see if she
tells you anything. Love, BD
Yvonne
Yes, it is. There was nothing the first time we had a
go, so we left it a few hours and then had another go
and she said to ‘be bold, embrace it all’. Love, RS
Barefoot
Wow, that's exactly the sort of thing I'd imagine
Yvonne would say – she's quite something, isn't she.
Good work, RS.
Has Y had a play today?
I’ve been thinking, when you’re ready, would you
mind me having a brief direct introductory chat with
Yvonne if we can figure out how to patch me
through? It just feels like it might help the
integration process along. Let me know. Love, BD
Yvonne
Yes, Y’s had a play. It was such an amazing feeling
again. She’s so happy that she can just play with
absolutely no repercussions and she felt free and glad
to be alive and overall just so happy.
No, we wouldn’t mind at all – no idea if she’ll say
anything when you talk to her though, but we’ll ask.
Love, RS

[Yvo – there was a great feeling of relief when Y played.

She was very happy playing and RS could feel her
happiness. And she was staying on the left shoulder now
and not trying to come up onto the bridge. And it was such
a strange but good experience talking to Yvonne.]

Barefoot
Ah RS, it may not be much in frequency but in terms
of import it’s as huge as it gets. Shall I send an email
to her now? I'm so happy to hear about Y. Is she
seeming less nervous in general as a result? Love, BD
Yvonne
Yes, OK, that’ll be fine. Y’s not as bad as she has been
in terms of loudness and we’re now fully in command
again. It felt like touch and go for a while. She’s still
quite anxious. But it’s such a difference now when she
plays and such a relief for us as well as we don’t have
her negative thoughts and feelings to contend with
for a while. We wouldn’t have believed she could feel
so different and happy. Love, RS
Barefoot
Yes, we're finding the magic buttons, aren't we.
OK, you hold the fort, RS, I'm going to send an email
to Yvonne. Love, BD
Chapter 23: Stephen Talks to Yvonne
Barefoot
Hi Yvonne, I'm Stephen/BD – I've been looking after
Commander RS and the crew and felt it was time to
introduce myself directly as I believe we're about to
make another quantum surge of progress and it's
going to involve you. What we've managed to do so
far is fairly successfully integrate left and right brain
hemispheres, as a result of which the prefrontal
cortex voice interference has calmed considerably.
The next phase is the big one – getting all aspects to
integrate within you, the mothership so to speak, so
that when someone speaks to you they get the whole
Yvonne entity responding as a self-contained, self-
possessed entity.
Firstly, I'd like to ask how you feel about that?
Secondly, if there’s anything you want to tell me?
Thirdly, are you enjoying this whole healing process?
Love, Stephen/BD
Yvonne
Hi BD, the email for Yvonne has come through, thank
you. There’s a little bit of unrest coming from Y again.
We think it’s because we don’t know if Yvonne will
answer and Y doesn’t like it if we’re not confident
about anything and there’s uncertainty. She gets
worried. But we know there are no expectations or
pressure. We’re telling her that. Love, RS
Barefoot
Y has nothing to do with this conversation – Y's role
is to play. You're the ones who decide what goes on –
you're in command of the ship – and if Y has any
doubts about your ability after the amazing job
you're doing, tell her from me she's just being silly –
this is way bigger than Y. But Y will be taken care of
fully and will be able to play to her heart's content so
has no need to fret.
You're doing a great job.
(Between you and me, but don't tell Y this, it's
perfectly understandable she's scared – big move,
this one – but she'll soon see that just as with the
other big moves so far, great good comes thusly).
Love, BD
Yvonne
Hi BD, thank you, and we’ll tell Y she’s just being
silly.
We wanted Yvonne to talk to you, but as you know we
haven’t heard much ourselves yet and it’s never been
conversational, so we didn’t know if she’d say
anything. Anyway, we’ve just gone with the flow and
merged back often and seen if anything came out of
the silence.
Yesterday we heard an answer to your first question,
which was pretty much the same as the first thing we
heard from her, and just now we think we heard
answers to the other two.
It seems a bit impolite that she doesn’t answer
properly and it makes us feel not so good that she
isn’t a stronger voice in our head yet so that she can
talk properly to you. Love, RS
[Yvo –there was a bit of a feeling of failure here from RS
because they didn’t hear Yvonne better. And Y was
becoming anxious again.]

Barefoot
Hi RS, I failed somewhat to convey that this
frequency of message throughput is exactly what to
expect–it was the conversational style that would
show it wasn’t real–so in fact you're doing perfectly
on that count. And you must understand that we're
feeling our way so there are no fixed expectations.
That said, you constantly surpass all expectations I
have of you at any time–so feel good all round is my
wish for you.
I just felt the need to start somehow getting you to
link to all aspects of yourself, so obviously
reconnecting with Yvonne would be hugely important
for you and you've begun that process, so all's well
whether Yvonne speaks to me directly at this stage or
not. Love, BD
Yvonne
OK thank you. You did really convey it–it was us
putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves. We
couldn’t help feeling that it was expected Yvonne
would reply conversationally because you’d emailed
her like that, so it was totally our own fault for
worrying about it and feeling that we wouldn’t be
able to do what you wanted.
We’ll send her answers next. Love, RS

[Yvo – this felt quite scary, even for RS to do. They really
wanted to hear something, but also were reassured that if
they didn’t, it was OK too. They knew that, but still they
hoped they would, as they liked talking to it. And they
did. And it is quite amazing how the words just come out
of the silence. I know (now anyway) that this voice could
be called my subconscious, or my intuition, or the
background presence, which is still a part of me – that
part of the presence is anyway, although it can’t really be
divided into parts either. But as I understand it right now,
it’s the ‘us’ in our wise, unaltered background state that
just sits there (somewhere) and knows everything. We just
filter it, as there’s too much information for us to grasp in
our everyday state.]

Yvonne
It's time
Go easy
Yes, very much
Barefoot
I hear you – thank you – yes I'll go easy – I'm happy
you're enjoying it – and glad to get confirmation that
it's time – you're powerful, Yvonne – good to make
your acquaintance.
Barefoot
Hi RS, yes, that's the sort of style we'd be expecting –
sparse and profound, with no people-pleasing
extraneous politeness. You've done well making this
much progress so quickly with it.
Let me know how Y is – is she playing – what sort of
thing is she saying when she comes up for her hourly
chat by your left ear? Love, BD
Yvonne
Hi BD, thank you. Y’s OK. It’s quite hard still, but
been much better since she’s been playing. She got to
us a bit last night though with her doubts and
insecurities. We’re telling her it’s OK. We also had a
bit of an ‘OCD’-type thing – our daughter wanted us
to babysit but we said no as we didn’t feel able to
still. We still don’t like the responsibility of it. But we
know we’re getting stronger. Each day we have times
when we just feel happy and appreciate everything
around us. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, you’re remarkable, this is remarkable – you’re
doing brilliantly. Meanwhile, I've been wondering
whether you thought it might be helpful to you for
me to have just one email or two to and fro with Y?
Or do you imagine it would just be loads of sorry,
sorry for saying sorry stuff, and perhaps better to let
her be so she can play and slowly heal? I defer to your
wisdom on it.
As for not wanting the responsibility – could it be you
actually don’t feel like being babysitter-granny and
the OCD is more of a cover than a reason not to?
Love, BD
P.S. For at least the next three emails between you
and me (RS and BD) refer to yourselves as ‘I’ rather
than ‘we’ and see how that feels for you.

[Stephen – this was pushing the boundaries again and I

knew it was still slightly premature, but as well as
wanting to keep compounding the message of self-
integration, however uncomfortably, I also instinctually
felt the need to prevent us getting into a rut by keeping it
fresh, and the easiest way to keep it fresh is to regularly
come at it from a new angle.]

[Yvo – RS were confused and concerned about not wanting

to babysit still. They couldn’t understand why the so-
called OCD over this was still happening, when so much
else had spontaneously disappeared when they took
command. They felt they would love to help with their
grandson, and really wanted to, and it definitely wasn’t
that they were using the OCD as a cover. They still felt
the fear that something bad might happen if they did. It
tormented them that they couldn’t just do it and made
them/me very sad. They also weren’t sure about being able
to speak as ‘I’.]

Yvonne
Yes, OK, it’s going to be very strange, but we can see
it’s a good idea to try.
And wow, thank you.
Re: an email or two with Y, my first reaction was best
not to as it will probably make her louder and more
intrusive, but I’m not totally sure. She might like one.
She just gets so insecure. She is slowly healing, but is
also quite fragile still and scared of the world
generally and being hurt, but I’m looking after her as
best I can.
With the babysitting, I really feel it’s not that I just
don’t want to and am using the OCD as an excuse. I
really would love to be able to do it, but can’t yet
without worrying something bad will happen to him.
But it’s still so much better than it was–I have to
remember that. There’s no rumination and horror
stories any more. I can already do so much more than
I’ve been able to for years.
Writing as ‘I’ has been quite difficult. Love, RS

[Yvo – this was a very strange experience again. The

clarity of RS became less and their voice became muddled
with Y – presumably this was the integration, but it felt
very uncomfortable. They were also concerned that if Y did
speak to Stephen again it would make her louder and
more intrusive again, so thought it best if she didn’t for
now. Although she wanted to very much. She’d been
feeling very left out and was also very sad and hurting.
And she’d started to become quite loud again with her
worrying, and really wanted Stephen to reassure her, but
RS wouldn’t ask him, as they knew they had to stay
strong themselves. But they also wanted to tell Stephen
all that Y was saying to them as they were having trouble
dealing with her on their own. It’s impossible to describe
how it was, but it was extremely hard at this time and
very loud in my head again with the conflict between RS
and Y.]

Barefoot
Hi RS, I felt the same about talking directly with Y
myself – sit with it, no rush. As you say, the progress
is still relatively miraculous. The most important
thing is that you can observe Y being nervous but no
longer be her–in fact, internally speaking that's
probably the most important thing to have attained
so far this lifetime: that's the basis of being able to
operate ‘Vehicle-Yvonne’ effectively (not just for you
but for everyone–and most never even get near being
able to do that, so well done again). And no rush with
I/we – in fact, I’d say go back to we again now.
Any more messages come through from Yvonne
meanwhile? Love, BD
Yvonne
Hi BD, yes, she’s got a bit louder with us only
thinking about whether she should talk to you
directly and we’ve felt a bit wobbly ourselves. Did Y
come through in yesterday’s email? We think we
might have listened to her a bit.
We asked Yvonne yesterday if she wanted to tell us
anything and we heard ‘Keep it up’. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi RS, yes I did think she was poking her face in,
hence why I was wondering if she wanted a bit of
direct contact with me. Brilliant you got that message
– imagine once we've got the trinity of Yvonne all
synched up and in harmony – you'll be an
unstoppable force. Love, BD
Chapter 24: Integration
Yvonne
Thank you so much. We’re actually struggling a bit
again right now. We know the feelings will pass and
we don’t want to be weak and are staying as strong as
we can. It’s hard though when the thoughts torment
us so much. We’re doing our best to go with the flow.
We’re also having a bit of a problem with
contamination and stuff still. We were sorting out
some things at home and had to wear gloves and
couldn’t touch any of it. And something touched our
jumper and we’re not sure if we can put it in the
washing machine as it might contaminate it, so might
have to throw it away. It’s funny, because it’s got so
much better in some respects and did so quite
markedly when we came out from the right, all the
rumination and horror stories disappeared, but like
this, there are still some things that get us. Love, RS
Barefoot
Hi Y. I think this is you, slightly more integrated with
RS – that’s good. OK, I want you to reframe all of that
based on the original notion that you’re right to be as
you are rather than wrong. You wore gloves because
you felt like wearing gloves. You want to throw the
stuff away because you feel like it. Honor your own
wisdom – stop questioning and punishing yourself
for doing things differently to those around you. You
are entitled to do things your way.
Exercise one: you’re now obliged to accept whatever
you do, however apparently unconventional or quirky,
as being the right way for you. This is your true
nature. It’s not only your entitlement to live by it, it’s
your obligation to Yvonne.
Exercise two: you’re no longer allowed to say things
like ‘I’m doing my best to’ or ‘I’ll try’. These are both
cop-out devices to preclude you from actually doing
whatever it is. You’re only allowed to intend things
from now on.
Your presence is now a gift. From learning to play
you’ve now been able to integrate with RS and by
extension Yvonne – the healing is happening, slowly
but surely (actually incredibly quickly) – well done.
The time will come when I’ll be able to address you
as Y, RS, or Yvonne at any moment and I’ll be
speaking with the same person. Love, BD
Yvonne
RS had a feeling I was, but couldn’t quite see where.
It’s so good you think I’ve integrated a bit with them
now.
It’s actually a big relief you say that it’s me even if I
am quirky. I’ve had to fight my whole life against
people telling me how odd I am and to behave
‘normally’. To know I’m allowed to be my true self
regardless of what people think or say is so liberating
and such an incredibly good feeling.
Also, when we do integrate we’ll still feel and hear
different parts of us, won’t we, but it will just be that
whenever we answer it will be a collective answer as
we’ll all be synced and working together? Love, Y/RS
[Yvo – RS had let Y in again. She’d been being so intrusive
and they’d become a bit weak and very tired with
managing her, so they’d let their guard down. She was
very anxious and loud again at this point.]

Barefoot
Yes, the whole idea is integration of all aspects and all
aspects being empowered and working in unison.
Love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you for explaining it. Can we also ask that
when you say empowered, does this mean that we’ll
still be able to hear Y, but only allow what she has to
say in if it’s relevant and not unnecessary worry? She’s
worrying about it. We don’t know why. And if you
want her to go away again because it’s just her
worrying and not useful, we’ll make sure she does
and not let her into the conversation again. We don’t
want her to take over again, and know that she
doesn’t want the responsibility of running things
again anyway. We just wouldn’t like not to know when
it’s the different parts of us either though. We’ve had
the main two of us (that we’ve known about at least)
for so long, and now we’re just getting used to talking
to Yvonne occasionally as well, which is wonderful.
It’s probably just doubt from Y because things have
moved on and anything new unsettles her a bit, even
though she’s excited and looking forward to it too. But
we know things will soon settle down and we’re ready
for it and it will be wonderful when we can talk to you
completely as one. Love, RS/Y

[Yvo – I’m still not sure exactly what the fear was here. I
think it was that when RS and Y became integrated and
merged there would be a loss of clarity of some sort. There
was also in a strange way a fear of loneliness, I think – to
RS and Y it was as if they were going to lose a part of
them that was comforting in a strange, uncomfortable
way, even though that part only ever worried RS and they
both would have preferred that she wasn’t around.]

Barefoot
Yes, integration means all parts working together in
unison rather than against each other (disintegration)
– and all being clearly delineated, as in yes, you’ll
know which is which.
It’s been good to observe your wonderful progress by
allowing Y into the chat for the last couple of emails –
and yes, as you surmise, it’s time to place her
respectfully back in her observation post on the left
shoulder to play.
Good you spotted how she gets anxious with change
even though she wants change–that's the same for
everyone's Y, incidentally.
So, where would you like to take it from here? What
effect do you want to achieve in your life next? What
would you like to happen next, RS? Love, BD

[Stephen – this was compounding the message of

mindfulness as the main self-liberating tool, in that as
long as you're cognitive of your mental processes you're
able to take command of them rather than vice versa, and
assailing yourself with nasty voices, for instance, is seen
as just an option and not a compulsion.
I was also reintroducing the notion of taking
responsibility by testing how she'd react to me apparently
not driving the action this next stage.]

[Yvo – fear arose here from Y. She felt very scared. RS felt
they were still in the middle of the process of taking
command properly and quietening Y down and
integrating, and they didn’t know how to continue. They
didn’t understand why Stephen suddenly asked this. The
first thought was that they’d asked too many questions
about integrating and it must have seemed like they were
resisting, which I see now they were – unintentionally,
though, since the RS part did also very much feel they
wanted to integrate. I think it was a fear of what it would
be like – a fear of abandonment and that Stephen was
going to stop helping arose again here for Y. It was also
very hard because it still felt that Y was such a different
part from RS, so even though Stephen was talking to the
RS part of me, the other part, Y, was hurting lots and
wanted to join in so much. But RS also knew it was OK
and they just had to keep doing what Stephen said and get
stronger again and keep reassuring Y themselves.]

Yvonne
Thank you so much for explaining it again. Y’s
stressing a lot right now though because she doesn’t
quite know what’s happening and she’s getting at us a
great deal.
We don’t really know how to answer your questions
as we’ve always been guided by you, or thought we
had.
We want to heal as quickly as possible so we can help
others. We often think of other people who may be
going through this torment and feel helpless and
wish we could know where they are and help them, so
they could feel there’s hope and know they’re not
alone.
The effect we’d like to achieve next is to stop thinking
of ourselves and help others–that is our instinctive
feeling, but we don’t know if we’re together enough
to do that yet, or even how to.
We don’t know what the next step is. Being able to
calm Y down more would be so good. Sometimes we
wish there was some way of blocking her out
completely, but we know she’s necessary at some level
now. We would really appreciate your guidance and
wisdom on what you think the way to go from here is.
We don’t know how the integration process continues
and what we need to focus on, and feel a bit lost, a bit
as if we’re in limbo with the process happening and
don’t know what to do next. Love, RS
Barefoot
Yes, I suspect Y needs reining in now – I always know
when she’s around because your replies are much
longer and meandering. Tell her she has no choice
but to simmer down, but is free to play to her heart’s
content, and if she behaves will have the opportunity
to join in the conversation again a month from now.
All good answers. Now draw up a diagram for
yourself of all the important steps I’ve taken you
through till now. You’re doing brilliantly, RS. It takes
time for new ways to become habitual, hence why I
said we’re in for the long haul, but your rate of
progress is world-class. Love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you so much. And we’ll tell her.
We’ve drawn up a diagram. It’s been so good to do –
it’s brought everything together and we can see a
theme running through it about loving every feeling,
good or bad, going with the flow and dropping back
frequently and trusting the Tao and simply enjoying
being alive. Love, RS

[Yvo – RS and Y felt a bit of relief here, as Stephen had

asked them to do something again. It still felt like they
were floundering. Y was still very unstable and unsure
and RS didn’t feel confident enough yet to deal with her
on their own, nor to direct the way things went. They
didn’t know what to do.]

Barefoot
Wow, that’s music to my eyes, dearest RS – what a
brilliant person you are and what top teamwork.
What I’m seeing now is to gently but steadily work on
building psycho-energetic suppleness and resilience
so you’re able to ride the yin-yang waves with
optimum ease and minimum stress no matter what.
Intend to find yourself doing this. Perhaps see
yourself as a master surfer riding the waves, smiling
with joy.
I’m reticent to propose exercises gratuitously, so think
the best way to proceed for now is for me to wait for
you to let me know when you need something more
or something to address a specific issue and to
update me on progress and/or on how you’re doing
whenever you’re feeling like it.
Does that seem right to you too?
As you know, I remain here as a constant, holding the
healing space for you. Love, BD

[Stephen – I instinctively felt she needed time now to

assimilate and integrate the huge amount of information
she'd been processing since the start of the process–some
time to explore the parameters of her suffering before we
could feasibly continue the process.]

[Yvo – Y became very loud again here, certain she was

being abandoned, so it was very hard. She thought he’d
got fed up with all the questioning about the reintegration
and resisting and thought he’d decided he couldn’t help
me anymore. RS knew they had to stay strong and
reassure Y, and they didn’t want to break the flow. They
knew that, however much they couldn’t understand it,
Stephen must be doing it for a reason, but did also think
he might be going and letting them down gently. They
also didn’t know if they could manage Y on their own, but
knew that they had to ride the waves as best they could
and go with the flow. They managed to regain some
strength and knew they had to be a warrior, and that’s
what they would be. They also managed to keep Y out and
didn’t let the fear show, nor did they ask for reassurance.
They had (as I still have) complete faith and trust in
Stephen and knew they had to simply do what he said,
however hard it was, and it would be OK.]

Yvonne
Wow, thank you so much.
We had a feeling you were going to say that, but must
admit we’ve had to put our breathing and everything
you’ve taught us into practice as Y immediately ran
up our arm and rang the bell in a panic. But yes, that
does seem right to us as well. And yes, we’ll intend to
enjoy the ride no matter what. And we know we can
email you whenever we need to and you’re here
holding the space for us.
We’re strong and can do this. We’ve calmed her down
already and it’s all good. Love, RS
Barefoot
You’re utterly splendid – always here for you, so Y has
no need to worry and you did well calming her–
brilliant, you are. Standing by at all times. Love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you so very much. Love, RS
Chapter 25: Ten Days Later
Barefoot
Hi RS, just checking all’s well your end? Love, BD
Yvonne
Hi BD, funnily enough we were going to email you
today – we’re struggling again right now. We weren’t
sure how long we needed to not email you to build up
our suppleness and resilience and told ourselves we
had to leave it two weeks, but it’s been really hard
and we’ve had some battles to stay upright. Y’s got
quite unruly again and won’t always play when we tell
her to. We also felt stuck, as we couldn’t get her out of
our head enough to email you without her being in it
as well.
We’ve been staying up and riding the waves most of
the time and we think we’ve built up some
suppleness and resilience as things have got quite
tough, but we’ve managed, so have been quite
pleased with ourselves. We think we might have
moved on from beginner to improver at least. Love,
RS

[Yvo – it was wonderful to get an email from Stephen

again. RS had found it extremely hard during this time. Y
had become almost impossible to keep command of and
had stopped playing, and was intruding a great deal. The
OCD-type thoughts were encroaching again, and it
seemed as if Y was about to take over command again and
RS would retreat. The noise was so loud and almost
unbearable at times. But RS had also kept dropping back
and asking Yvonne (the Tao, our inner presence) if she had
anything to say and they heard a couple of things that
helped them get their strength back. The first was simply
to ‘accept who we are.’ When they heard this it gave them
some resilience and strength again. And they knew they
had to love themselves for who they were, even the Y part,
who they really didn’t like right now, and the OCD-type
things.
Then they heard Yvonne tell them it was ‘time for us to
grow’ and then they realized that the only way they
would be able to build up psycho-energetic resilience was
for them to manage without Stephen for a while. So they
understood. So after these messages and after almost
falling off the surfboard, RS suddenly felt much stronger
and felt their resilience increase. And they were back in
command properly again.]

Barefoot
Bless your heart, dear RS – good we’re so in tune.
Overall, then, remarkable progress continues and of
course difficult passages occur (for us all). I’m here,
all ears, whenever you wish to talk more–just want
you to know you’re not alone in it. Love, BD
Yvonne
Just knowing we’re not alone in it helps so much,
thank you. We wish it could be that Y felt better all
round. But she still feels so much more relaxed than
she used to and very happy to play. Love, RS

[Yvo – the reassurance that Stephen was staying to help

was an enormous relief, as even though RS were
managing and had regained some strength, it was very,
very hard. To know he was still here and they weren’t
alone in it, after feeling they were for a while, was the
most wonderful feeling. And neither they nor Y were used
to people staying and really caring about them. And it
was really hard to believe still that Stephen wouldn’t go
away – they kept thinking he was, but he came back every
time.]

Barefoot
You’re absolutely brilliant, RS – helping you is a
privilege – it’s a bit like a huge piece of art you're
working on that’s not quite ready to unveil, and once
you do all will change for the better, love, BD
Yvonne
Thank you so much. We’ve actually been thinking we
might be starting to integrate and were going to ask
you if you thought we were. And we were just
wondering if we’re not doing something to heal that
you think we ought to be as well? Love, RS
[Yvo – the RS part still felt in limbo and confused and
were oscillating quite a bit. They still couldn’t understand
why Stephen had stopped talking about integration. They
were also worried and didn’t understand why he’d also
not mentioned talking to Yvonne anymore – it felt a bit
like they’d failed and hadn’t progressed fast enough, or
had resisted somehow unknowingly. So finally they
decided to ask without, they hoped, breaking the flow. But
the change was bothering them (and Y) so much.]

Barefoot
If you want to integrate more, try this: Y is illusory –
she's someone you made up in your head as a child
and then became. So each time you observe her on
your left shoulder, make her dissolve and become
invisible and then make her reappear. Love, BD
Yvonne
We’ll do that, thank you. We are meant to integrate
more, aren’t we? Or do we need to get more resilient
first before we take the next step? We’re so looking
forward to when we can talk to you as Yvonne as a
whole. We would love very much not to have Y
getting at us like she does still. She’s very much
better than she was and we don’t feel the fear in the
same way, but we really don’t want her to exist
anymore. Love, RS

[Yvo – RS still didn’t understand what was happening. It

didn’t seem as if being integrated mattered anymore to
Stephen. They were confused and actually worried he’d
given up on their doing so, and they felt bad for asking so
many questions about it before.]

Barefoot
Just keep coming into your back and repeating, ‘I'm
Yvonne and am delighted to be so’. Short, succinct,
and the key to the next level. You're doing brilliantly.
No need to dwell on the flap, just keep coming back
into the back. Love, Stephen (whom I'm also
delighted to be)
Yvonne
Are we? Thank you, we’ll do that. The next level
sounds good. As you signed yourself Stephen, where
does this mean we are in the integration process? Are
we still RS? Love, RS
Barefoot
Ultimately you're the Tao, and all these apparent sub-
identities merely illusory, including even Yvonne
herself, and this applies to all of us, not just you.
Meantime, keep doing what I said. For now, eschew
too many questions about it–eschew evaluating your
mastery levels as you go along, and simply do the
exercise as described and let me know what happens
over the next few days. Right now it feels gratuitous
calling you RS, but not sure either of us are ready to
call you Yvonne just yet, so in the interim I will sign
off as Ann. Love, Ann

[Stephen – this was me making light of the multiple

personality game by turning the joke on myself. I was
sensing if we didn't get her out of multiple personality
mode soon, it might become habitual, she might become
obsessive about the various sub-personalities, and that
would be counterproductive.]

[Yvo – this threw me a lot, and unsettled me. I felt I didn’t

know what was going on. Stephen didn’t seem interested
in my integrating anymore. It was not a good feeling. I
was so confused and RS wished he’d talk about it again.
However, they didn’t say. They did as they always did,
which was to simply do what he said and hoped it would
become clear in time. Y was particularly worried and
nervous about what was going on and really felt like a
failure, so RS had to keep reassuring her a lot. But as they
didn’t know what was going on either, it was very hard.
Trust played such a major part in this whole process, and
Y panicked a lot over it. But Stephen is so incredibly wise
and knew exactly what was needed at every turn. RS knew
this.]

Yvonne
We will. We’ll stop questioning and simply do the
exercise and let you know how it goes. No, we don’t
feel ready to be called Yvonne yet either. We weren’t
sure what to sign off as, so kept RS for now. Love, RS
 The Unity of RS
Finally, the goal, if it can be called so, is integration –
experiencing yourself as a unified field or force interacting
with the world around you, no longer riven by inner
schism, hence feeling at peace even in the midst of great
activity–no longer experiencing yourself as a multitude –
and in this unity comes wholeness, and wholeness is the
goal of healing. This doesn't preclude the occasional or
even frequent existential wobbles, but wobbles are only
wobbles, and just like a wobbly doll, once you've developed
enough internal ballast and balance, no matter how hard
you wobble, you'll always instantly spring back upright.
Chapter 26: RS Become One
Yvonne
Hi BD, we wanted to let you know that over the last
week or so we’ve finally started to feel that we’re
staying in command and can observe Y much more.
We feel that we’re much steadier and won’t let the Y
drama, which is much better anyway, overtake us like
before. That’s our intention anyway. Love, RS

[Yvo – emails had been quite sporadic for a few weeks. It

was still quite hard sometimes, but RS were growing
stronger and learning more all the time and trusting that
it was all as it was meant to be and would all work out.
And Y had now quietened down a lot and played again,
and they were managing her quite well.]

Barefoot
Good one. OK, RS, it's time for RS to take full
ownership now and become one–from now on, RS
speaks in the first person – unity is key now – it'll
empower you. Love, BD
[Stephen – boot-camp-style instruction, this – sometimes
it's necessary.]

[Yvo – RS had felt ready to speak in the first person for

some time, but were frightened just to try it without
Stephen saying it was time again and didn’t want to ask
him in case they didn’t manage it, or it broke the flow
somehow. So they were very pleased when he said this. It
felt like such a leap forward. The difference this time to
the previous time he’d asked RS to reply in the singular
was amazing. This time it came naturally. It felt so good.]

Yvonne
Wow, OK, understood. I’m ready to do that. It already
feels empowering now and really good in fact just
writing this email as ‘I.’ I’m ready to take full
ownership now and become one. Love, RS
Barefoot
And wow back, dearest RS, I was going on a strong
impulse and hunch you were ready. You are stellar in
your progress – I'm delighted. Well done is an
understatement. Love, BD
Yvonne
When I read your email a wave of something went
through me, which was basically a ‘Wow, do you think
I’m ready?’ and excitement. Then as I started writing
it felt right and I knew I was ready and it was time. It
feels really, really good. Love, RS
Barefoot
How utterly wonderful. Love, BD
Chapter 27: The Name Game
[Yvo – about seven months after meeting Stephen I found
out he was running a retreat on a little volcanic island
just off the Italian coast, called Stromboli. I asked him
whether he thought it would be good for me to go on it. I
wasn’t at all sure I’d be able to do it, and was even scared
to ask him. However, I summoned up the courage and did.
The Y part of me would never have gone, or even asked,
and was terrified, but the RS part of me was determined to
go and felt that a week with Stephen on retreat could only
help enormously with consolidating their position and the
healing. Stephen replied saying that it was a brilliant
idea and would help the healing process enormously. So I
went.
There were about ten other people there. As usual, I tried
to ‘fit in.’ I was terrified and found it extremely hard.
Everyone seemed very outgoing and ‘together,’ although I
know they were all suffering in some way, as we all are.
They were just quite good at hiding it. We talked every
day as a group. Stephen would ask each of us what was
going on with us and in my case, told the others about the
voices and RS. This helped enormously as I didn’t have to
try and explain everything myself. I always got tongue-
tied, and still do. And I always feel like I haven’t said, or
explained things properly. Stephen and I also had a lot of
conversations on a one to one basis, which was wonderful
and so helpful.
I found it very hard through the week as Y came to the
fore completely and I had terrible panics and got scared
again. But Stephen calmly helped me through it every
time. He was amazing and didn’t mind my irrationalness,
or insecurity, or keeping on about the same thing. He
understood completely. But I still felt different and knew
it was mostly because of my panics and my irrational
behavior. I must have seemed a bit like a loose cannon.
During this time, Stephen suggested a way of working
might be to use living theatre, so we devised a character I
could ‘become’ to help me get through the next part of the
process and where I was in my life. So ‘Rusty’ came into
being. Rusty wasn’t a voice in my head, but purely an
external character as it were that we made up, and one I
could play whenever I wanted, to help me through the
difficult bits. We made her strong and to know what she
wanted and not let others bully her, but able to stand up
for herself. Being an actor I could relate to this, and
Stephen was playing to my strengths. I took Rusty back
with me when the retreat ended and it helped enormously.
I played this strong person–not all the time. I couldn’t
keep it up always, but it certainly helped a lot. And after
this, funnily enough, Y stopped bothering me so much. She
wasn’t terrified anymore.
I didn’t stay as Rusty. In the end it felt as if she was
absorbed into RS, or the part of me that naturally
gradually became stronger. This was a turning point in
how the Y part of me disrupted me.]

[Stephen – I wasn't sure how effective this would be, but

drawing on Yvonne's former acting skills it seemed a
waste not to explore how these might be pressed into
service. I was also aware she needed to break out of her
self-imposed social confines and this could provide at least
an expedient superficial device to help her through the
transition.]

Yvonne
Hi BD, words will never describe the experience I've
just had with you in Stromboli. It was the most
wonderful and loving adventure of my entire life and
you are the most loving, gentle, understanding,
nurturing, kind, patient, insightful and wonderful
person I have ever known. And you’re always there
with an ear and understanding and helping people
feel OK with themselves. And I’ve come back even
better equipped to deal with everything, thanks to all
the tools you’ve given me to work with as well,
including Rusty. Thank you so much with all my
heart.
I had a bit of a Y episode yesterday though – all sorts
of thoughts suddenly started going round and getting
at me. But I managed to drop back for breaks and
also managed to stay strong through it. Love, RS
Barefoot
Ah dearest RS, do remember it’s all just theatre. You
only need to remember to keep flowing backwards
and observe the show with curiosity rather than, or as
well as, self-judgment. And thank you for the hugely
kind and caring things you've said – that feeds me
and I will continue to let it do so – finally, remember
Rusty prefers it and can only really appear as a
character from the back of you.
You're doing brilliantly – far more than you're willing
to acknowledge to yourself, so trust me on this one.
Love, Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you, I’ll remember. It’s very hard still at the
moment. But I trust you. Love, Rusty
Barefoot
That's because you're Trusty Rusty – and you like it
hard anyway – you thrive on the challenge even if it
freaks you out a bit – I'm the same – so embrace the
hardness of it rather than resist it and it'll soften up
on you. Love, Even Stephen
Yvonne
Thank you, Even Stephen, I’ll embrace it. Love, Trusty
Rusty
Barefoot
Well done, that woman. I'm holding the space of
strength and resilience for you meantime–all is well
and all will be well, love, Even
Yvonne
I’ll remember, and thank you for holding the space
for me. Love, Rusty

[Yvo – we’d gone into a sort of name game, and it was

great fun. Stephen was matching and rhyming with me. It
made the actual names seem less important. And his
reassurance and saying he was holding the space still, and
that all was well and would be well, helped me grow my
own strength so much, knowing he was there to catch me if
I fell. It gave me the confidence to keep taking risks and
all the while to learn that I was OK too. It felt so good
that he treated me and talked to me in this way, as one
human to another and making fun of it all.]

Barefoot
And remember, these are still early days yet and your
progress is actually relatively staggering – imagine
how resilient and unshakable you'll be a year from
now. Love, Trusty
Yvonne
Hey Trusty, yes I know – I saw one of my children
yesterday and they commented and reminded me
how I was not so long ago, when I wouldn’t go out
etc., and said the difference is amazing. So yes I must
remember the difference now from then – it’s so
incredibly good–I can’t imagine a year from now and
being like that. It would be so wonderful. Love, Rusty
Barefoot
The pleasure is all mine, dearest Rusty – I'm just
delighted to see you gaining traction like this. Take
courage and trust the process – it’s irreversible now.
Love, Trusty
(I had to borrow half your sobriquet as so far the only
other options I can think of would be Musty, Fusty, or
Gusty and they wouldn't do the trick at all…oh yes,
there's always Crusty, but that wouldn't do either).
Yvonne
Thank you for making me laugh. You’re very welcome
to borrow half my sobriquet. Yes, Crusty would be a
bit odd.
I’m generally feeling better and have centered myself.
I can feel my strength growing. And I’ve definitely
been managing Y better again the last few days. I also
feel more aware in some way, I don’t know of what –
it’s quite a strange but good feeling. Love, Rusty
Barefoot
Hey dearest Rusty – that is all fantastic news to say
the least – superb work on your part, superb
teamwork on ours. Stay with it now and enjoy the
strengthening–and yes, of course it feels odd – the
new always does. Letting go of restrictive parameters
or rather expanding the field inevitably causes an
unsettled sensation. I'm here and holding the space
for you and you're going to be fine–more than fine–
trust, trust, you must, Rust, love, Trust
Yvonne
I think it’s taking a lot of strength, and I’ve realized
I’m quite tired emotionally as well and reading your
email was quite an emotional thing in a good way – a
release and realization of what I’m doing. Yes, I’ll stay
with it and trust. Love, Rust
Barefoot
Hi Rusty, it's good you notice the tiredness – that
comes from straining inside – regularly scan the body
and release muscular rigidity and keep breathing
slowly and fluently. In the back keep reminding
yourself this is all just a wonderful
game/dance/theater/illusion–the more we let
ourselves enjoy each moment the better each
moment will treat us.
You’re doing remarkably well – and I know you're
allowing life to be the yin-yang affair it is more now
and that your inner resilience and suppleness and
strength is growing more and more to allow that.
And I know it's hard – being human is – I know, as I
am one – it's hard, but it's beautiful, too, so worth it.
Love, Trusty
Yvonne
Yes, and overall I’m keeping a bit more in balance I
think, although still having a few wobbles, but
righting myself quicker.
And yesterday in some way I felt I suddenly realized
who I was (if any of us know who we are), but in that
it really felt like I was me – difficult to explain, but I
think it was something like feeling at peace with
myself more and knowing that I’m OK as I am, just as
me and I don’t need to put any mask up, and it felt
good. Love, Rusty
Barefoot
My turn to say wow. This feeling of being you is the
integration – that's fantastic news. Love, Trust
Yvonne
Wow, is it? I hope I keep the feeling – it’s better than
before by a million times.
The healing’s gradually working through me, isn’t it?
I know I’m still having battles, but I feel like I’ve
moved on again these last few days. Love, Rust
Barefoot
By a quantum leap – feel fully relaxed about the
healing process – no rush – I'm here, love, Trust
Yvonne
Thank you so very much, I will, and thank you for the
reassurance. Love, Rust

[Yvo – it was still quite hard with Y getting at Rusty on

and off quite a bit. In my head it felt like RS had actually
now become Rusty, instead of just being a character we
devised–they’d evolved, or been absorbed into her, or I’d
just renamed RS Rusty as that’s who I still felt was
talking mostly, but they had become so much stronger.
Sometimes it’s really difficult to describe what went on in
my head with the different voices and thoughts. I can feel
it all so clearly, but then when I try and describe it, it gets
very muddled, as different voices chip in. Anyway,
RS/Rusty was learning and growing all the time with
everything Stephen was teaching her/me.]
Chapter 28: Freedom
Yvonne
Hey Trust, something’s happened to a member of my
family and I have to fly out to the US first thing in the
morning. Love, Rusty

[Yvo – suddenly someone very close to me was very ill and

a long way away. But I felt strong enough and able
enough now to go straight out there and try and help. It
was a very big step, but Rusty was determined not to let Y
stop me. She/I wanted to be there for this person.]

Barefoot
Hi Rusty. Good on you heading out there like a
warrior. I'll be thinking of you. And here holding the
safe space for you all the while. Love, Trust
Yvonne
Thank you so much. I’ve arrived and it’s just
suddenly dawned on me what I’ve done – the fact
that I've done this on my own and am trusting my
judgment and no one else’s. I still can't believe that
nine months ago I wouldn't leave the house and now
I've just flown to New York on my own. It's quite
incredible. Also knowing you're there, and that the
safety net is still there just in case, helps so very
much, if that's OK? Love, Rusty
Barefoot
I know Rusty, I was just thinking the same – how
amazing you've done that. You're reclaiming your
freedom to be you–you're rather incredible. And you
can have all the reassurance you want any time – I'm
here – and in any case it's a pleasure because you are
truly spectacular in your progress and it's a wonder to
watch – way better than watching the story on TV, for
example!
Well done meantime – this is brilliant – this'll be
hugely healing. Love, Trust
Yvonne
Wow, thank you so very much. Even though I’m doing
it, I’m still finding it pretty challenging. But it’s also
such an amazing feeling and it feels completely like
I’m reclaiming my freedom to be me and live. It’s so
incredibly better than before – learning I can do
things on my own and trusting myself. It feels like
the whole world’s opened up suddenly. I must make
sure I keep it, however scary it is, and don’t go back
to thinking I can’t do anything without getting it
wrong. And I also know now that if I get something
wrong it doesn’t mean I’m useless, whereas before I
let myself feel it all the time and then lost faith in
myself, and the more I lost faith the more I seemed to
get it wrong until I felt I couldn’t do anything. Love,
Rusty
Barefoot
Hey Flappy, good to hear from you. You're doing
brilliantly. The need you feel to doubt yourself and jar
the flow isn't really a need and certainly not an
obligation–it's actually OK now to trust the process
more. You're doing a most incredible job–stop
doubting it (unless you enjoy the feeling) - love,
Happy

[Yvo – Stephen had suddenly started calling a part of me

that seemed less scared and broken than the Y aspect of me
‘Flappy.’ And he’d matched it with Happy. It was so good
making a joke of it all and playing with the names. It
made it fun and not so serious, as if it was all a game,
which I know life is. But it really helped me to not get too
despondent when I found that the Flappy aspect was
chipping in.]

Yvonne
Hey Trusty, yes, it was Flappy, wasn’t it. Might be a bit
still now, but I think it’s Rusty back more or less. I’ve
found the last few days quite a thing.
So I let the doubt come back. I think I’ve not trusted
my judgment for so long, I’m finding it very difficult.
But today I feel better.
It was quite an amazing afternoon yesterday. I went to
a live concert in Central Park. I really couldn’t believe
I was there – and full of people. I can’t describe how I
felt. And although it was scary and I was physically
shaking, it was so unbelievably wonderful. Love,
Rusty
Barefoot
Hey Rusty, wow, that’s fantastic, well done, love,
Stephen
PS: I'm not going all asymmetric or anarchic on the
name routine–that combo just seems the one for this
and maybe it's good to let ourselves get flexible about
it–as in there's no rule saying that just because you
say Rusty, I have to say Trusty. Perhaps that flexibility
constitutes a significant step in the healing process
anyway–if we feel the ease in choosing a name as it
feels in the moment it encourages a natural
integrative effect where all aspects of self are
welcome and free to be themselves–does that feel
right to you too?

[Stephen – mix it up time, this – again, this was me

testing for improved resilience levels.]
[Yvo – I had no idea Stephen was testing me to see how I’d
react, but he knew all the time what to do and what to
introduce. And ironically, as my next email will show, I’d
just felt after sending the previous email that calling each
other by the name that in the moment felt right. So it was
amazing when he came back and said that. It’s like we
were in tune.]

Yvonne
Hey Stephen, it’s funny you should say that. Just as I
was sending the last email I had an urge to change it
from Trusty to Stephen, but it sent before I could. So
yes, being flexible about the names feels right and a
significant step to me too. Love, Rusty

[Yvo – this was such a good and freeing feeling. It meant

of course that RS didn’t have to stop Y, or even Flappy,
from joining in the conversation. It was also so very good
that Stephen didn’t mind if they did. This all helped my
healing process enormously, I know. However not real
these other aspects of me were, I still healed more by being
able to talk from whichever aspect of me felt it wanted to.
While I know it was necessary that Y was kept out for a
while so she could learn to trust RS and they learned they
could manage her on their own, it still helped and healed
that aspect more by being included again and not left out.]

Barefoot
What an utterly mutually blessed connection this is,
dearest Rusty – I actually perceive a new character
emerging in you (actually the original pure healed
character of Yvonne) – who though obviously not for
me to name I think of as Gloria (as in from the
original Latin). Love, Stephen
Chapter 29: Psychophobia
Yvonne
Yes, I feel that about the new character. I like Gloria,
but not sure I feel worthy enough to be called that…
Love, Rusty and maybe emerging new character,
which yes, I do think it's Yvonne.
Barefoot
I think I have a good one to throw in the voting pot
for an interim new name for the great woman behind
Rusty: Yves. What do you reckon? Yves is
sophisticated, a woman of the world, easy in saying
what she feels. Love, Trusty
Yvonne
I like the idea of Yves. Love, Rusty
Barefoot
Yes, Yves suits you. Yves is the fully rounded self as I
see her. Love, Trusty

[Yvo – this changing of names felt important. It was a

game, but also I felt different. I felt I’d moved on by leaps
and bounds. My confidence had increased enormously and
the OCD was really starting to fade into the background.
I felt a bit as if this new person I was becoming had
emerged from somewhere after being dormant for so long–
a bit like a butterfly coming out of its chrysalis.]

Yvonne
This choosing of names as it feels in the moment is so
good. It’s very freeing and a really good feeling that
all aspects are free to be themselves, and it’s so good
to say what I feel from whatever aspect of me feels it
wants to say something. It really feels like it’s another
step on the healing process. Love, Rusty/Yves
Barefoot
Yes, it's probably more significant than either of us
realize, this name-freedom and your appreciation of
it likewise. Thinking back, I knew the names were
intrinsic to the process – in my prosaic way I’d
imagined we'd get to the point where we'd call you
Yvonne and that would represent the full healing, but
aside from the fact I'm intrigued to find out who Yves
might be, what the overall ‘entity’ is called seems
somewhat irrelevant now. This freedom to express
from any aspect of the ‘entity’ or ‘unity’ is so much
more fun and so much more liberating than focusing
on drawing all aspects into one – that happens of
itself anyway over time, and after all, what is the
overall ‘entity’ anyway (in any of us)?
Also what's interesting is the way you've developed
the capacity to bear witness to each part expressing
itself and not identify with any of them, hence able to
forgive each and hence integrate all – which implies
there's a constant aspect that does the witness-
bearing, and the more that ‘emerges’ or makes its
presence known the more we realize that's who/what
we are, always have been, and always will be,
regardless of which ‘sub-personality’ is expressing
itself at the time. Love, hmmm…Stephen
Yvonne
Yes, I agree, I'm not at all concerned about an overall
name either. I like it like this. As you say, this
freedom is so much more fun and so liberating.
I'm not sure myself who Yves is yet either. It hadn't
really registered that I was bearing witness to these
different aspects of me, but yes, I see I am and it feels
good. I do feel I really am maybe just beginning to
see who I am, which is such an amazingly good
feeling. It's difficult to try and describe the feeling
and everything completely. But I think that's about
how I feel right now. Love, Rusty
Barefoot
Hey dearest Rusty, I must say that you describe it
most succinctly and it’s music to my eyes to read –
evidence of the integration and all so fluid and
organic. You’ve most gallantly and valiantly overcome
what R.D. Laing described as ‘psychophobia,’ the fear
of one’s own mind – well done. Love, Trusty

[Stephen – it felt important to introduce the idea of

psychophobia at this point, because often just being able to
name a process or glitch gives someone the psychological
distance from themselves to make the next spurt of
growth.]

[Yvo – this felt incredibly good, that Stephen said I’d done
this, but also scary. I’d been feeling more and more in
command, but it still felt like an enormous step, and the
fear that I might fall back again came over me. And I’d
had no idea before that it was described as ’psychophobia.’
He also mentioned integration again, which felt so good. I
suddenly did feel in command of all aspects of me.
It was also so incredibly good still to be able to talk to
Stephen from whichever aspect of me wanted to without
fear of him not wanting to talk to them. But it was also so
different. Y had quietened right down, and Flappy was
quite funny, in a silly way and not a threat at all to
taking over from RS.
It’s always so difficult to explain what it feels like in my
mind. Y was still sitting on my left shoulder and playing,
and I could still hear her and had conversations with her
all the time. But she’d become more trusting of RS, so was
less anxious. She still did get nervous and tried to put
doubts in RS’s mind, but she was much more easily dealt
with. She still needed a lot of reassurance and sometimes
she still took over. It threw RS and annoyed them when
she did, as they still felt she messed things up and they
got on fine without her, but they couldn’t always stop her.
Sometimes it happened so quickly. They had to learn to
look out for the signals so they could be aware of when it
was likely to happen and strengthen their position and
hold firm, a bit like a barricade, and not let her through
up onto the flight deck. The difference though now was
that there was no fear of her taking over permanently
again. They knew they would always regain command if
she did take over briefly. They also knew they had to be
compassionate and kind with her and tell her it was OK
and not get cross, as this would be the quickest way to
quieten her down and help her heal. She was still hurting
a lot. But the relief from how it used to feel in my head
was wonderful.]

Yvonne
Hey dearest Trusty, wow, I didn't really know what I
was doing. I have to say that quite a big flap was
initiated when I read that. Knowing I’ve done that
feels like a really big thing, which scares me for some
reason. I'm a bit frightened it might go away again,
but I also feel that now I can see it, it probably won't
will it (Rusty is chipping in). Love, Flappy
Barefoot
The main thing is to know this ‘it’ you’re afraid of
losing isn’t an ‘it’ at all – it’s just a mode of being
which you yourself choose and deploy at will. As to
whether you’ll lose the facility for doing so against
your own will, or that someone or something will
steal it from you in the night while you’re sleeping,
I’d say that’s highly improbable, dearest Flappy. So
yes, Rusty’s right to assume it’ll all work out fine and
continue to grow as a skill or mode. Love, Trust
Chapter 30: What OCD?
Yvonne
Yes, I can see that, thank you.
I just wanted to say as well that yesterday I realized
how much I don't worry about now OCD-wise that I
did before. I'd actually forgotten all the things I used
to do just in case and worry about germ-wise. It's so
amazing. I ate some food with my hands without
washing them because there wasn't anywhere to. I'd
never ever have done that before. I still do stuff and
avoid things, which I think might never go away, but
it bothers me so much less now, and you're teaching
me to accept me how I am, which feels so much
better. It does feel that I just know I don't need to
worry a lot of the time now. Love, Rusty

[Yvo – it’s strange, but this was a sudden realization. All

the while I’d been healing, behind the scenes as it were,
while no attention was paid to it at all, the OCD had
gradually been waning, and now it had for the most part
miraculously disappeared. It had never happened to me
like this ever before. It truly felt like a miracle. I know
when RS came out all the horror stories and thus the
rumination, stopped, as if like magic. But I’d still had
rituals I had to do, and hand-washing etc., and bugs still
bothered me. And I still wouldn’t hold my grandchildren,
and was still frightened of being left alone with them in
case I hurt them somehow inadvertently. But now, I was
just doing things. I was mixing with people all the time. I
wasn’t washing my hands constantly, or disinfecting my
phone and all the other things. It was truly amazing. It
had just simply gone away.]

Barefoot
Hi dearest Rusty, Flappy, wow, that’s incredible – not
that I think hygiene is a bad thing obviously – to the
contrary – but trusting our own protective energy is
hugely important and that’s what you’re doing now,
which is amazing progress. That you ate with your
hands without prior washing is huge.
I feel great joy witnessing you evidently being
progressively less self-conflicted meanwhile – it's
wonderful, love, Trusty/Stephen
Yvonne
Yes, it feels really, really good. And yes, the self-
conflict has quietened down a lot, which is so good
too. Love, Rusty
Barefoot
Also bear in mind that even with all the practice and
all the methods it's still challenging (for me, for
example) – it would be a boring game–but your
dexterity is increasing daily, so be patient and
compassionate with yourself. Love, Steves
Yvonne
Dear Trust, yes, I’ll bear that in mind. It helps a lot
remembering it's all a game. I reminded myself of
that this morning when I woke up. I had a bit of a
monkey brain. I’m intending to be compassionate
with the front-part as I feel that right now I'm
speaking from the back – at least in and out. I still
keep getting caught up in it. It’s particularly noisy at
the moment for some reason. I’ll keep flowing
backwards. Love, Rusty
Barefoot
Wonderful how you make the best use from all this,
dear Yvonne. You're doing well – this email marks a
significant moment of healing. The oscillation
between front and back is the best we can achieve, yet
the very fact we’re oscillating is enough, as gradually
back-self becomes the default and front-self the
excursion. And it's not that we need to be in the back,
it's just an option – easier to take it lightly like that –
it's just about being willing to remain in the back
more and allowing that to take over gradually. Love,
Trusty
Yvonne
Hi Trusty, I’m looking forward very much to when the
back-self becomes the default. I know it's like an
addiction, but it's weird when it's so much better in
the back. Love, Rusty
Barefoot
Glad you're getting the back idea more and more.
And overall, be kinder to yourself now, a little less
slave-drivery. The more we drop back and breathe
slowly, the more patient we become – patience is the
grace to allow the Tao its own tempo of revealing its
gifts. And it's not that you need to be that way, or
need to do anything, it's that you have the option to
be that way and do whatever – that's what I mean by
being kinder to yourself now, dear Yves. Love, Steves-
Happy
Yvonne
Yes, I do beat myself up all the time, I know. But I've
also been feeling the compassion for the front-part of
me now a bit–feels odd saying that and that I feel it,
but I have once or twice, just a little. It feels really
good when I do glimpse it. It's such a calm, quiet
feeling. But it’s also emotional, and it sweeps through
me.
It still feels selfish somehow and strange to be kind
to me. There's an underlying feeling of being
punished if I am. But I'm acknowledging the feelings,
and if I don't always manage it I won't tell myself off.
I realized I’d got caught up and was giving in to the
front-self again. But it’s so much better when I
remember to be in the back-self and observe the flap.
Love, Yves/Rusty
Barefoot
Hi dear Rusty, yes, it's these glimmers we initially
catch of it – the healed state, being compassionate
towards the constructed ‘front-self ’ – that are actually
major signs of the healing happening. And I
understand that reaction to being kind to ourselves,
that fear of being punished for it – if you jerk a child
out of its natural state of contentment enough over a
long enough period the pattern sets in–hence why we
must be patient and keep reminding ourselves of our
intention.
And remember, Rusty is a character. Yves is at the
core – it's a name for she who you mean when you say
‘I’, and as I perceive it, she'll never leave you – she is
you and vice versa. Confidence in this integration will
increase now. This is the next stage of the process.
First the fluidity between aspects of self was
established, now comes a sturdier, steadfast sense of
self at the core – a self you can trust and rely on. Love,
Steves

[Yvo – this is what I was starting to feel. While the Rusty

part could drop back and watch the flap (from Flappy, or
Y), sometimes Rusty was in the front too and there was
me, Yves, in the back, observing.]

Yvonne
Yes, I’ll remember. I’ve been feeling that steadfast
sense of self growing more and more now. I also feel
this morning a sort of really grounded, or rooted
feeling–it's quite strong and a very good feeling. Love,
Yves/Rusty
Barefoot
Hi dearest Yves, I'm delighted to hear of what can
only be described as a heartfelt declaration of having
arrived at a fresh level of self-realization and self-
confidence.
The important thing is that you recognize your
immense value in yourself, which is slowly happening
(it takes a long time for all of us, and especially so if
there's a long history of believing the opposite and
that having been compounded by the unjust and
bullying behavior of others over a long period). Love,
Steve (new variation)
Yvonne
Yes, I do have some self-worth now, albeit still a little
wobbly at times. Love, Yve (I’m copying you, hope
you don’t mind)
Chapter 31: Yin and Yang
Barefoot
Dearest Yve, I suspect we’ve finally arrived at the
rebrand. Interesting how we went from plural to
singular–I take this as a sign of increased integration.
Love, Steve
Yvonne
Wow, really. I like Yve. Yve feels good.
This self-realization and self-confidence feels quite
fragile still, and I'm still allowing Flappy to get to me,
but I can feel this strengthened core underneath and
the growing confidence. Love, Yve

[Yvo – now Rusty wasn’t talking so much now. This new

evolved part of me (Yve) had taken over and it felt very
good. RS and Flappy still said things and Y still worried
a lot, but it felt so much better. And it was much quieter
now.]

Barefoot
Naturally you’ll oscillate – the beating yourself up
about it derives merely from the neurosis (everyone
has) to be perfect. And the yin and yang will always
make us flip in and out of transcendence – that’s the
game–hence why I mention existential resilience and
flexibility suppleness – the capacity to withstand the
oscillation and remain sturdy. Love, Steve
PS: You’re at the start of a major new phase, where
there is always much flux.
Yvonne
Yes, I was remembering this morning that's it’s
perfectly fine not to be perfect and better. I think I
thought that once I found the steadfastness and
underlying trust it would stay–but it's such a big
thing, I'll remember it's going to take time. It felt like
a lot of turmoil last night suddenly. But it's another
practice at learning to remain sturdy through, it isn't
it, which is good, and when I don't it’s OK too? I'm
learning to still. Love, Yve
Barefoot
Ah dear Yve, the more in the back we are during such
panicky moments the more able we are to observe
amusedly as our front-self drama addicts throw
themselves into conniptions all over nothing.
You really are progressing magnificently – observe
how the fearful aspect of the mind immediately wants
to make you afraid you'll regress when I say that,
then thank it and assure it you're alert to the yin-yang
cycle and then dismiss it. I say so because I know that
happens with me and with everyone else too.
Meanwhile, you're doing brilliantly and I'm right here
with you all the way. Love, Steve
Yvonne
Yes, I felt the fear start to come straight away. I've
been remembering the yin-yang way of things more
just recently and telling myself that it's always going
to happen like that, and remembering to sit in the
back and watch the front-self compassionately much
more. I can just feel it now. Thank you so much for
the reassurance again too. Love, Yve
Barefoot
I'm so happy you're able to feel it now – it's so much
more about feeling it in the body than thinking it all
in the head, isn't it. We use the head to try and make
sense of the sensations and place them in context, but
the feeling is the actual experience and that’s
improving for you – the base level is slowly gradually
yet exponentially improving and that’s what we're
looking for, rather than focusing on the peaks. Love,
Steve
Yvonne
Yes, it is, so much more. It's a really good feeling and
difficult to define. I’ve also had a bit of a realization. I
feel much more relaxed about how I ‘should’ be with
other people and that it doesn’t matter what others
think of me and I’m not going to try and please
others all the time (I won’t go out of my way not to of
course, as I still really like making people happy if I
can). But I don’t feel as if I have to be what I think
other people might expect, or just because other
people can talk easily and everything doesn’t mean I
should be able to. Love, Yve
Barefoot
Wow, I’m so utterly delighted to hear you’re having
these realizations at such a rate and scale now. The
Taoist approach really is amazing, isn’t it, the way it
serves as a blueprint which then works its magic on
our circuit boards without us having to do anything
much about it except to accept it–and when for
instance you remark to yourself, ‘I’m noticing myself
being less of a people pleaser ’, tack on the end of it:
‘I accept it’. Love, Steve

[Yvo – it did feel amazing how things were just

happening. I was realizing more about myself and seeing
the world in a fresh light, while it felt as if I wasn’t really
doing anything. It was just happening–like the OCD was
simply disappearing. I realize now it must have been the
integration and Yvo coming to the fore more]

Yvonne
Yes, it is. That makes me feel a bit scared – because
it's happening so quickly I think, not that it's not
good, it’s very good. And I know I'll dip in and out of
it and no doubt still probably try and please people.
But I know to be patient with myself as well and it
takes time and it's really good to feel what I'm feeling
now. It also feels very freeing in that I don't have to
try and be somebody I know now I'm really not.
That's how I feel right now, anyway. I can just be
however I am. And that feels really good. Love, Yve
Barefoot
It's a pleasure and privilege to be of service to
someone as brilliant and courageous and willing to
heal as you, dear Yve. So now keep trusting the
process, your own subconscious and the power of
your intention and you'll find yourself behaving
spontaneously and powerfully progressively more
often and more effectively, until one day you'll wake
up and give thanks noticing your whole life has
changed for the better by a major quantum leap – it
will be so. Love, Steve
Yvonne
Thank you. I know I've said before that I have the
best teacher, but it’s true. It will be so wonderful and
that you say it will be so–feels like a fairy tale. There
is a bit of a scary feeling as well, but I feel excitement
too–there’s so much I feel that I didn’t before. And if
we do everything with an open heart it will be OK,
won’t it, and it doesn’t matter if we mess up a bit
anyway. Love, Yve
Barefoot
It is a fairy tale – it's just taking a bit of time for you
to emerge from the dust of the former nightmare into
the new paradigm you've been ordaining all the
while. Your subconscious will know this is true
instantly, but your conscious mind might still need to
cling to the old way as a more familiar reference for a
short while longer.
The fear is good, it means you’re alive (and on the
adventure now) – you’re doing brilliantly, dear Yve,
love, Steve
Yvonne
It’s very good to be on the adventure now. I want to
say that I hope I stay on it, but I’m just giving myself
something to worry about I know, and the Tao has it
all sorted anyway. And I finally feel I’m worth
something too. I do still make myself feel guilty so
much over everything though, and I still really hate it
if I think I’m making anyone unhappy in any way.
Love, Yve

[Yvo – things suddenly seemed to have moved quite fast in

my mind and how I felt. Stephen and I didn’t talk about
the OCD anymore, nor the noise as such. There was no
need to. The compulsions and everything to do with the
OCD was progressively getting less and less. I still had a
few quirks, but they didn’t intrude into my life the way
they used to. I no longer had the loud destructive voices. I
was going out, and meeting my family. Looking after the
grandchildren on my own was still a bit challenging, but
even that was lessening as my self-worth was growing
and I was learning to trust myself more. The Y aspect was
becoming gradually happier to trust the rest of me. She
was still sitting on my left shoulder and playing often,
and I was still letting her get to me sometimes and worry
me, and also letting her take over and panic sometimes–
then I’d get annoyed with myself that I let it happen and
would beat myself (as in that aspect) up a lot, when I
knew really I should be kind and compassionate towards
her. She was still healing and it was going to take time.
But my self-belief and self-worth were gradually
growing.]

Barefoot
Intend to remain on the adventure (leave hope as a
generalized undirected force without specific objects
of hoped-for-ness) – in fact, you’ve no choice about it
– the choice is merely whether to know you’re on it or
be unconscious of it. Intending to remain on the
adventure is akin to choosing to be cognitive of it.
Guilt is not a real emotion, it’s a disguise-emotion –
it's a cover for dread of the divine and specifically of
divine retribution for being human – it’s fear you'll be
punished for whatever you do.
We aren't here to make others happy, we're here to be
ourselves, and in so being live from our true innate
joyfulness for simply being alive, which we then
naturally spread to those around and infect them
with it like a contagion. If we try to make someone
happy we merely spread the suffering we feel at
sacrificing our joy. People make themselves feel
whatever they feel and it's entirely their
responsibility and no one or nothing else's, no matter
how close or entangled you are with them, nor what
vows you may have made in the past. Love, Steve
Yvonne
Yes, I see about the fear of punishment and about
how it’s each person’s own responsibility to feel what
they feel and how we’re spreading the suffering if we
do that. Love, Yve
Barefoot
You’re a rare soul of immense courage and personal
strength, dearest Yve – and the miracle is that one
year on you’re starting to know it and enjoy it – glory
be and bless that angel, love, Steve
Yvonne
Yes, it is a miracle – I’ve said it before, I know, but it’s
all your wonderful and truly amazing teaching and
being here and unwavering support and belief in me
that’s got me to believing in and liking myself again
and starting to find that inner me and that courage
and strength that was here all the time, but I didn't
know it. Love, Yve
Barefoot
Hi dearest Yve, thank heavens I was here to be of help
when the angel directed you to me. You are utterly
brilliant. Love, Steve
PS: And remember, perfection will never be achieved
other than by acknowledging that everything's
perfect in its imperfect way as it already is.

[Stephen – I was starting to pick up on Yvonne's need to be

perfect at all she does – this is a helpful quality when
directed properly, and to do that requires accepting that
it’s an impossible-to-fulfill drive and then having some
humor about it. It also felt significant using the obvious
conventional name combo – I'd been seeing it coming for
months and felt it could provide a symbol of her starting
to be part of the swim of humanity at large now.]

__________________________________________

It feels important for me to explain here that though

this is the end of the main body of the book, this is no
means the end of the healing process, and as I'd told
her from the start my commitment is to continue the
process until Yvo is strong enough in herself not to
need any further support in it. That said, now we
have this wonderful book and have started our own
publishing company together – proof that you can
use your foibles positively and to your advantage –
the assiduousness and fastidiousness associated with
so-called OCD are wonderful resources when applied
to an actual project.
But what you've read comprises the meat of the
healing process, and unless we make this a never-
ending, infinite book, this seems as mete a place as
any to put a pause on telling the tale. Naturally the
intention in us writing this is for you to benefit by it,
if only in opening your mind to the possibility of
exploring different ways to approach your own
condition. But as with all genuinely well-meant
enterprises it has many inbuilt side-benefits, one of
which has been Yvo having the opportunity to review
her own healing process, which though difficult has
visibly made her more resilient and was likely
something the angel ordained as a crucial part of the
process itself.
Another unexpected benefit has been finding myself
with a wonderful, talented, highly principled
business partner, and friend – a true sister on the
path.
All in all, a good example of the blessings you receive
when you sincerely extend yourself to help another
without thought of recompense. But the most
important blessing of all, bearing in mind the sense
each of us have had of an angel guiding it all, is
having the privilege of bearing witness at such close
quarters to such a profound miracle of healing.]
The Stages of Healing
Summary
1 – Remind and assure yourself you're not the only
one experiencing what you're experiencing and in fact
that everyone is to some extent. You're not a freak.
2 – Remind and assure yourself that so-called mental
diseases with names like OCD, paranoid
schizophrenia, and psychosis are merely shorthand
descriptions of complex internal processes and not
entities to identify yourself by.
3 – Remind and assure yourself that your condition is
not something like a virus you have to beat or get rid
of, but processes you yourself are unconsciously
generating, and that by becoming cognitive of the
processes or states you're generating, you realize
they're only optional and not compulsory, hence need
no longer be compulsive.
4 – Remind and assure yourself that the punishing
voices in your head are the voices of those who
mistreated or abused you as a child, which you
unconsciously mimicked (because children learn
primarily through mimicking) and internalized, and
are not the voices of any foreign entity, however much
they appear to be. And because these voices are
impressions of others, hence are in fact your own
inner voices, you're fully able over time to take
command of them.
5 – Remind yourself that the reason you developed
obsessive habitual rituals as a child was to try and
make order of what felt like chaos, and that you're not
alone in doing this. And that even though your habits
might be extreme in the sense they're getting in the
way of living your life, everyone without exception
has similar rituals–superstitions, protocols,
conventions and so on are what society is based on.
6 – Remember everything has its benefits. The
tendency to be obsessive deployed positively makes
you assiduous, diligent and responsible in everything
you do. This book is a perfect example of this in fact.
7 – Note then that the only way to find true order is
by adhering to certain immutable internal principles.
By withdrawing from the front of the body and brain
and situating your presence in your back you achieve
stillness. By allowing the weight of your thoughts to
sink down from your head and chest into your lower
belly your mind stops racing and you feel grounded.
By slowing down your breathing your mind operates
more effectively.
By relaxing your muscles, you stop feeling so frantic
about everything.
By lengthening your spine and lowering and
broadening your shoulders you feel lightness of
being.
By relaxing your chest, you become more
openhearted and more other-centered (altruistic)
rather than self-centered (narcissistic).
Remember your function here is to share the unique
gift of your beautiful, noble qualities in service of the
'whole' and specifically to ameliorate suffering in
others however you can. And the more you align with
this function the faster you'll heal. Plus is, it gives you
a sense of purpose and positive reason to heal
yourself.
Remember the goal of the healing process is self-
integration. This means fully accepting the
apparently darker sides of your nature. In terms of
your apparently demonic inner voices this is done by
acknowledging these voices represent the true you
trying to get the attention of the fake you developed
in early childhood as a people-pleasing ruse, and
which you've mistaken for the real you, and then
allowing them to captain the ship. This is done by
psycho-spatially placing them at the rear of the 'flight
deck' situated in the center of the back-brain.
As integration occurs and increases and sitting in
your back becomes more habitual you're able to bear
witness to the mental processes and associated
emotional states occurring in the front without
identifying with or investing in any of them.
Be aware of the underlying cycles of 'yin and yang,'
the contractive phase followed by the expansive
phase and vice versa. This means that every phase of
growth is inevitably followed by a phase of apparent
regression, and that this will inevitably be
superseded by a new phase of growth.
Remember there's no need to be superstitious about
the condition coming back to haunt you. The
condition is not an entity, merely a state you've been
generating and now you're able to bear witness to the
states you generate and to accommodate them as
they arise, rather than to be subsumed by them,
you're in command of what goes on within and so
have nothing to be superstitious about.
8 – Throughout, remember everything–including
your state, your very existence, and everyone and
everything there is–is all transient, and hence
everything and everyone passes. Therefore, be willing
to eschew self-pity in favor of feeling gratitude for
every moment, for every experience no matter how
challenging, and never to take yourself and your
predicament so seriously you lose your sense of
humor.
Yvo Post-Script
While RS gradually gained their strength and became
stronger in command, there was still oscillation and
uncertainty going on in my head, and battles with Y
often. She came to the fore frequently and it took
many months for RS to feel no longer afraid that she
would take over completely all the time again.
And I’m still reassuring her. She never went away
entirely, as it seemed she would when she first
realized she wasn’t the true me. And I realize now
she never will and isn’t meant to. She’s a part of me.
She’s come inside me now again and sits in my heart
area mostly. We have a relationship where I still have
to keep reassuring her, and she tries to put doubt in
my mind, and sometimes the RS part of me still gets
cross with her, and themselves, when they let her take
over. But I’m also being compassionate with her now.
She’s just a very insecure child still, one who needs
reassurance and love, lots of it, no matter what. She’s
still frightened of saying the wrong thing and others
getting annoyed with her and has the fear of rejection
still and being left out and if I’m not careful, she will
go into an insecure loop over something for a while.
But it doesn’t last long now. And I’m recognizing
more and more when her suddenly taking over is
likely to happen and so can strengthen my position
and tell her its OK before she does take over or gets
into a panic. Not always, but it’s getting progressively
easier to do. And I make sure I’m in the back and
keep her reassured. I also know my posture has a lot
to do with it, and notice now that I crumple when the
insecure Y starts to take over, and just by sitting, or
standing up straight I can take command again. This
of course also helps me go into the back. I also know
I won’t lose command permanently again now. I’ve
found that strength inside me. And I don’t have the
battles anymore that I used to have.
I also recognise the underlying fear of abandonment
triggering it, and the fear of the ocd type voices
getting loud and overwhelming once more and being
on my own with them again. Because it was so
horrible it's quite a strong feeling of fear of that still,
however irrational. And I also know it’s a habit, like
an addiction, which takes time to break. And that it's
the little girl's reception of the condition and that
there's nothing to fear. Again, the fear that sweeps
over me is so strong still, it can be quite hard to
counteract it, but I'm aware it's not the woman and
that I don't have to indulge in the little girl's
perspective any more. And with Stevo’s unfailing
help and reassurance she’s gradually healing and
discovering that she is really OK. It’s just the way it
was and, importantly, I had to go through all I have to
get me to where I am now, so I can help others. And
as her trust in me grows and my own self-worth
grows so does hers. And I realize, as Stephen keeps
telling me, it takes time to heal completely, and I
must be patient.
I wished that one day I could hold my grandson, and
I visualized it. Well now I can, and not only him, but
my four-month old granddaughter too. It’s so
incredibly amazing and wonderful. I actually never
thought I’d be able to. And I no longer dread the
phone call or text asking to meet up. I just had one in
fact. I can happily reply yes to it. It’s the most
wonderful feeling. There’s still a slight wobble and Y
gets a little nervous, but I know it’s OK – I trust
myself now, and I help. And I can even look after
them without someone else having to be there.
There’s no voice anymore telling me afterwards that
something bad happened. I can also cook for them
and even handle their food, say, toast or biscuits. I
can’t describe what a wonderful feeling it is. What
would be completely ordinary to most people is an
enormous achievement for me and the most
wonderful thing in the world to be able to do, and
something I’ll never ever take for granted.
I finally just want to acknowledge Stephen here in all
of this, without whom I’m quite sure I wouldn’t be
here now. Not only the kindest, most loving,
empathic, wise, intuitive, amazing and wonderful
person on the planet, but also extremely unassuming.
He will never allow me to say that he’s brought me
through this. He will always say that I’ve done it
myself and he’s helped, which I understand. But the
word ‘helped’ feels like somewhat of an
understatement, and totally inadequate to describe
what he’s done. Yes, I had to summon up my inner
strength and do what he told me. And, so very
importantly, I had to learn to trust again – both him
and myself. And this took an awful lot of strength
and courage at times. But he stayed, no matter how
insecure or irrational I became, especially when the
voices took over in a very big way. I was so frightened
of falling backwards into what I saw as the dark
chasm of my mind and getting lost there again, with
all the pain and fear it entailed. Bu I had no need to
fear. Stephen always very gently, lovingly, and non-
judgmentally helped me through it.
I’ll never find the words to thank him enough. I owe
my life to him, and I certainly owe him the much
more fruitful and rewarding life I have now. I
understand what a commitment it was for him to say
that he’d stick with me, and I feel more honored and
grateful than I can ever say. Words will never be
sufficient.
To conclude, I’m learning that I’m OK more each day
and I have as much right to be here as anybody else. I
don’t need to feel inferior. It’s a work in progress, as
we all are. And now I have self-worth, thanks to
Stephen, and I know I’m not going to go back to how
I was. Plus, I have all the tools he’s equipped me with,
most importantly the dropping back out of the noise
and drama of the front to the back to observe and
gather myself again.
Finally, if this book helps even one person in even a
small way, then it will have been worthwhile. We hope
so very much it will help you. Remember, you’re not
alone and, it may be a cliché, but remember it’s
always darkest just before the dawn.
Love, Yvo
Barefoot Post-Script
I've just noticed for the first time that post-script, the
PS, is disingenuous – after writing, it means, but I'm
still writing. Still-writing would be more honest,
actually.
And I could honestly keep writing about this story
and keep coming at it from a new angle and never or
rarely get bored by it. I'd like to think likewise for
you, our esteemed reader. I'd like to think we've
managed to adequately convey the attitude, the
method, the atmosphere, and the message that you
yourself generate every internal state imaginable, and
you yourself are completely capable of generating
inner states differently with the right attitude,
method, atmosphere, and perhaps the most
important ingredient of all, humor, so that you walk
away from this interaction, feeling mightily
encouraged that no matter how extreme or intense
the discomfort you've been experiencing, there is a
way to take command of it and transform it. It's my
sincere wish, and I know Yvo's too, that this will set
you on the path to healing yourself – making yourself
whole again – integrating all the formerly disparate
aspects of you into a phenomenon that moves as a
unified force through life henceforth–and of course
that you live long and prosper.
However, before I take my leave from this
conversation (at least as it's been occurring in this
particular arena), I want to leave you with an account
of one of the most astonishing moments of my entire
career let alone this particular process of Yvo's
healing.
(Incidentally, Yvo is her most recent incarnation – it
implies strength and focus – and of course, I'm
Stevo.)
I mention it at this stage not to imply a game of
multiple personality disorder for two, but because it
exemplifies what I mean by humor in the context of
the healing process. Because once given permission,
or more precisely encouraged by someone, she
instinctively felt safe enough with to experiment with
it, even in the depths of her despair she never took
herself so seriously she couldn't appreciate and enjoy
the humor in it all.
And I truly think that without it, had we not
managed to strike that humorous chord, the healing
process might never have occurred. I'd have certainly
felt less enthusiastic about it, which means the
dynamic wouldn't have achieved the prerequisite
depth. As it is, my full enthusiasm hasn't wavered
from the start.
In retrospect, making a commitment to someone I'd
never met, yet who was evidently in dire need of help,
that I'd remain at her service for as long as it took for
her to fully integrate herself, without limit, was
perhaps one of the biggest risks I've ever taken in the
helping capacity, because when I give my word to
help someone I keep it.
The payoff however has been and is immeasurable.
As I recently told Yvo, if all the training and all the
experience I've had helping people – and it runs into
millions over a 40+ year span – was all just to prepare
me for helping her, it would have been worth it.
That's how profound it's been. I have never been
party to and in observance of what can only be called
grace at work to this degree. And I have never
worked with anyone as capable, and indeed brilliant
on the uptake.
And the beauty is that now she sees it too. That would
have been inconceivable just two and a half years ago.
Which leads me to the astonishing moment I wanted
to relay to you.
A couple of days ago, I was talking to Yvo on the
phone – I think it might have been when I called her
on her birthday. To my eye, she's now clearly in the
time of her renaissance – after near six decades of
intense suffering, her karmic scales have finally
achieved equilibrium and are now tipping the other
way into the realm of intense joy of liberation from
suffering, and the exhilaration of now engaging
enthusiastically and freely with humanity in order to
bring her unique gift of help to all who may need it.
So I wished her ‘happy rebirth-day!’ and we chatted
about what she'd be doing to celebrate and about
being cognizant that she was celebrating her
existence with every thought, word or action the
whole day long, and she happened to mention almost
in passing, ‘I don't have the OCD anymore’.
She seemed to catch herself, as if she'd suddenly
realized the significance of what she'd just said, and
repeated it, ‘No, I don't have OCD anymore’.
The One
Only when you've been in the dark can you
appreciate the light
You have to go there completely to know what it's like
To lose hope and feel that everything has gone
Drawn down in a spiral so very strong

Down it takes you deeper and deeper

It drives you relentlessly into the dark
Into the depths where your demons wait
Relentless, incessant you give in to your fate

Yet even then your spirit is strong

It will not let you fail but you must trust the one
The inner you of whom you've been so afraid
Is waiting observing, the path you've strayed

So listen, allow the real you to shine

She won't let you down, she's calm and benign
She knows who you are and has always been there
So trust and have faith, this you will bear
You will come through, just ride through the fear
Knowing the light will always be there
It's obscured right now but as long as you trust
You'll find it, let go, don't resist, trust you must

And I’m here, your friend, to help and guide you all
the while
When doubt and fear take over and you struggle to
smile
You'll soon see the joy and complete wonder all
around
You'll find your peace and tranquility, then you're
home safe and sound
If you have any questions or comments, or would like
to talk about what you’re going through, I, Yvo, can
be contacted on
yvo@waywardpublications.com
It will be my pleasure and, if there’s any way at all I
can help, I will, even if it’s just to listen. Just to know
you’re not alone in it and to have someone who
understands can help enormously.
I know.
Thanks for reading.

Yvo and the Barefoot Doctor

www.waywardpublications.com
www.barefootdoctorglobal.com