could you give me feedback and score for my IELTS academic writing task 1 based on

the band descriptor?

topic :
The two pie charts below show the marital status of the populations of Canada and
Australia.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make
comparisons where relevant.

essay :
The given charts illustrate the proportion of populations in two different
countries based on the marital status.
Overall, it can be seen that in Canada it is dominated with marriage couples who
already separate but have not divorced yet, while in Australia married couples are
predominant amongst the others.
In Canada, more than half of the population living separately from their spouse but
have not officially divorce. It followed by married people, which takes 29% from
the total population there. Never married people and widowers share the same
portion, which is 7%. There is only 3% of Canada's resident who does homosexual
marriage and the remaining has already divorced.
Australia shows different trend with the former nation with 46% of people has
married and 41% of them have lived in different places from their spouses. The
remaining groups of Australians based on the marriage status is in the range of 6-
5%. Each percentage for widowed, single, and divorced individual is 6%, 5%, and 2%,
respectively.
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could you give me correction for my IELTS academic writing task 2 based on the band
descriptor?

topic :
Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are
beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more
accessible.

Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

essay :
The number of working-from-home employees is increased worldwide, as well as the
students who prefer to join class from home since the development of technology is
more convenient and affordable. Although this phenomenon might give greater
efficiency both for students and workers, it seems to me that the drawbacks, such
as health and social issues, outweigh the advantages.
Due to the enhancement of technology, it is possible for people to work in remote,
which means that they do not need to gather in a workplace and still could run
their duties. Furthermore, this system has adopted by school so student could
experience the learning process from home by using a computer and internet
connection. This trend is economically beneficial since people no longer need to go
outside their home to do their jobs. For instance, in Jakarta, the capital city of
Indonesia, the workers there are dominated with people who comes from the different
cities so they need to pay for the accommodation. If people could work from home,
they could save their salary that allocated for accommodation and transportation.
Underneath it all, there are health and social problems due to online work and
school.
First, since people do the work and course by the internet, they will spend most of
their time by sitting in front of the laptop. Due to the lack of physical
activities, they will burn no calories intake that could cause overweight. It cause
people more susceptible to diseases, such as diabetes and heart attack.
Furthermore, people would lose their social ability since they rarely interact to
each other in direct thus they do online meeting. It could give a negative impact,
mainly for children. For example, a child who never meet people besides their
family could struggle to communicate with others later in life. It is important for
kids to have a face-to-face interaction with other people so they could developed
their communication and social ability.
In conclusion, even though online work and school is economically advantageous, it
has a negative impact on people's health and social life since the lack of movement
and interaction.