Understanding The Self Lecture

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Understanding the Self ( Lecture)
BS Psychology (Polytechnic University of the Philippines)
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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

LECTURE NOTES/MODULE
COURSE DISCRIPTION
This course deals with the nature of identity, as well as the factors and forces that affect
the development and maintenance of personal identity. This course is intended to
facilitate the exploration of the issues and concerns regarding self and identity to arrive
at a better understanding of one self. It strives to meet this goal by stressing the
integration of the personal with the academic – contextualizing matters discussed in the
classroom and in the everyday experience of students – making for better learning,
generating a new appreciation for the learning process, and developing a more critical
reflective attitude while enabling them to manage and improve their selves to attain a
better quality of life.
MODULE 1: WHAT MAKES A WINNING PERSONALITY
Topic 1: What is Personality? Its Importance
Topic 2: Determinants of Personality
Topic 3: How Personality is Developed
Topic 4: Comparative Theories on Personality Development
Topic 5: The Development Process
Topic 6: What Makes a Winner
MODULE 2: BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM
Topic 1: The Self-Image and its Significance
Topic 2: Self-Concept Inventory
Topic 3: Indicators of a Positive Self-Image
Topic 4: Indicators of a Negative Self-Image
Topic 5: The Development of Self-Image and Self-Esteem
Topic 6: Self-Esteem and Maladjustment
Topic 7: Discovering one’s Emotion Bondages (Diagnostic Test)
Topic 8: Behavioral Manifestations of Wounded-ness
Topic 9: Therapy for Wholeness and Wholesome Self-Esteem

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MODULE 1: WHAT MAKES A WINNING PERSONALITY

Activity 2: TAKE A TV BREAK
Name: ______________________________ Date: ________________
Subject: _____________________________ Section: _____________
Instruction: Select a TV show or video for you to watch that you feel you might enjoy. Then,
answer the following questions. This activity will show how your life and free time is filled with
TV. At the end, create a list of all the things you can do during free time (when you are bored)
instead of watching TV.
TV Show Title: _______________________________________________
TV Show Survey
1. How did you feel when watching this show?
2. Did watching this show benefits you? If so, how?
3. Did this show have a negative effect on you, your family, or your relationship
with others?
4. Do you watch Tv just to be watching it or do you only watch the things that you
choose ahead of time?

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5. Do you ever feel like you waste your time when you watch TV?
6. Names as many activities as you can think of that you could do instead of
watching TV when you are bored
What is Personality?
Personality is the sum total of the biological, psychological, socio-cultural and
other traits of a person, manifested in the way he thinks, feels, acts and relates with
others.
For Conklin C, personality is a fairly stable configuration of feelings, attitudes, ideas and
behavior that characterize an individual, making him unique and different from others.
Gordon Allport defined personality as a collection of traits that determine a person’s
unique adjustment to his environment. Each person is made up of determining
tendencies that play an active role in his behavior. Personality is what lies behind the
specific acts of a person.
Alfred Adler in his Social Psychological Theory stressed the uniqueness of personality.
Each person, according to him, has a unique configuration of motives, traits, values and
interests. Every act performed by the person bears the stamp of his/her own distinctive
lifestyle.
Determinants of Personality
Behavioral experts agree that personality is a product of nature and nurture, an integration
of his biological and social heritage. What a person thinks, does and feels as a child, adolescent
or adult results from the inter-relationship that exists between biologically inherited factors and
environmental influences.

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1. Heredity
Genes transmitted by parents determine a person’s physical and biological
characteristics such as physical stature, color of the skin and hair. There are
controversial viewpoints as to whether intelligence (capacity for mental development)
and aptitude (capacity for developing mental and social skills) are also inherited.
However, some evidences show that some kids learn faster than others, and there are
those who are more reactive than others.
2. The Social Environment
The social environment consists of individuals, groups and institutions with whom the
person interacts from childhood to adulthood. It is from these individuals and groups that
a person learns and acquires a set of beliefs, ideas, values, attitudes and other socio-
cultural characteristics through a process known as socialization.
The socialization process starts with the child’s first contact, his family. From the parents,
siblings and relatives, the person learns his first lessons of love, honesty and other
fundamental virtues, as well as other qualities. Much of our behavior tendencies appear
to be a replica of our parents. Being the first agent of socialization, the family provides
the foundation for personality development.
How is Personality Developed?
The development of personality has various schools of thoughts that provide explanation to the
emergence of certain personality attributes and personality disorder, this is supported and
attempted to be explained by theories of personality.
Psychoanalytic Theory (Sigmund Freud) – This theory consists of three main ideas that make
up personality, the id, the ego, and the superego. The three traits control their own sections of
the psyche. Personality is developed by the three traits that make up the psychoanalytic theory
conflicting.
Three Major Components of Human Personality
 The id is the most primitive part of the personality that is the source of all our
most basic urges. This part of the personality is entirely unconscious and serves
as the source of all libidinal energy.
 The ego is the component of personality that is charged with dealing with reality
and helps ensure that the demands of the id are satisfied in ways that are
realistic, safe, and socially acceptable.
 The superego is the part of the personality that holds all of the internalized
morals and standards that we acquire from our parents, family, and society at
large.
Needs Theory (Abraham Maslow) – This theory attempt to identify internal factors that motivate
an individual’s behavior and are based on the premise that people are motivated by unfulfilled
needs. Needs are psychological or physiological insufficiencies that provoke some type of
behavior response. The needs a person has can range from weak to strong and can vary based
on environmental factors, time and place.

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Hierarchy of Needs Theory

Maslow proposed that motivation is the result of a person’s attempt at fulfilling
five basic needs: physiological, safety, social, esteem and self-actualization. According
to Maslow, these needs can create internal pressures that can influence a person’s
behavior.
 Physiological needs – are those needs required for human survival such as air, food,
water, shelter, clothing and sleep. As a manager, you can account for the
physiological needs of your employees by providing comfortable working conditions,
reasonable work hours and the necessary breaks to use the bathroom and eat
and/or drinks.
 Safety needs – includes those needs that provide a person with a sense of security
and well-being. Personal security, financial security, good health and protection from
accidents, harm and their adverse effects are all included in safety needs. As a
manager, you can account for the safety needs of your employees by providing safe
working conditions, secure compensation (such as a salary) and job security, which
is especially important in a bad economy.
 Social needs – also called love and belonging, refer to the need to feel a sense of
belonging and acceptance. Social needs are important to humans so that they do not
feel alone, isolated and depressed. Friendship, family and intimacy all work to fulfill
social needs. As a manager, you can account for the social needs of your employees
by making sure each of your employees know one another, encouraging cooperative
teamwork, being an accessible and kind supervisor and promoting a good work-life
balance.
 Esteem needs – refer to the need for self-esteem and respect, with self-respect
being slightly more important than gaining respect and admiration from others. As a
manager, you can account for the esteem needs of your employees by offering
praise and recognition when the employee does well, and offering promotions and
additional responsibility to reflect your belief that they are a valued employee.
 Self-actualization needs – describe a person’s need to reach his or her full potential.
The need to become what one is capable of is something that is highly personal.
While I might have the need to be a good parent, you might have the need to hold an
executive-level position within your organization. Because this need is individualized,
as a manager, you can account for this need by providing challenging work, inviting
employees to participate in decision-making and giving them flexibility and autonomy
in their jobs.
Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory:

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As the name of the theory indicates, Maslow believes that these needs exist in a
hierarchical order. This progression principle suggests that lower-level needs. The deficit
principle claims that once a need is satisfied, it is no longer a motivator because an
individual will take action only to satisfy unmet needs. Again, according to Maslow,
before a person can take action to satisfy a need at any level on this pyramid the needs
below it must already be satisfied.
Humanistic Theory (Viktor Frankl) – This theory refers to the personality recognizes the
significant influence of past experiences in the development of personality but it places a greater
emphasis on the “meaning” that people attribute to the experience or event in their life. This
“meaning” is influenced by the person’s perceptions or paradigms. For instance, the loss of a
loved one, a failure or disappointment can be viewed as a trauma where the person sees
himself as a miserable victim, thereby nurturing self-pity and hatred.
Personality is a product of the combined hereditary characteristics transmitted through the
genes (heredity) and acquired, learned characteristics through the socialization process.
Individuals with biological deficiencies can still grow up with a pleasing personality if they are
helped to discover and make good use of their hidden talents, provided with opportunities for
self-actualization and thus consequently develop self-confidence and self-esteem.
The Development Process
Out of biological and environmental influences, an individual develops distinct qualities – beliefs,
ideas, values, attitudes and lifestyle. Unfortunately, there are many people who unquestionably
adopt and internalize beliefs, values, morals and other traits that are fed to them by their
environment. They are unable to distinguish what is right from wrong, moral or immoral, proper
or improper. They blindly follow traditions. Their decisions and actions are dictated by some
significant people in their life and not made out of rational choices. Thus, they lose their own
self-identity and find themselves in an identity crisis. They allow social pressures to control them.
They depend on their social environment for their happiness and security.

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Stages of Development
The process of development takes place in 4 stages:
Stage 1 – Understanding an Ideal
At this stage, the person is exposed to learning situations where he discovers an
ideal- the ideal personality, qualities of a winning personality, the elements and
conditions for growth and development, etc. He is also able to differentiate functional vs
dysfunctional behavior and their damaging consequences. This knowledge provides the
framework for understanding one’s behavior and personality.
Stage 2 – Self-Awareness
After discovering the ideal, the person goes into self-mirroring. He objectively
looks into his personal qualities and behavior and compares them against the ideal.
Thus, he discovers his personal handicaps and realizes how these affect his success,
happiness and relationships. Feedback from colleagues during the learning sessions
also helps in expanding self-awareness and makes a person recognize his blind spots
(behavioral qualities that he is not conscious of but are obvious to others).
Stage 3 – Self-Realization
After a process of self-awareness, the individual is guided on how to understand himself
by bringing into his consciousness the things in the past and other realities that have
directly or indirectly conditioned his present behavior or maladjustment. Among these
are: the distorted beliefs, paradigms and values that he may have internalized as well as
the wrong influences for which he has yielded himself. He is also made to realize how
his behavior has hampered his growth and development as well as his happiness. All
these realizations are expected to pave the way for a paradigm shift, then to change in,
feelings, attitudes and behavior.
Stage 4 – Decision to Change
With self-realization, the individual makes a decision to change. If one is determined to
grow as a person, he has to decide to change. The decision to change will come
naturally and voluntarily as the individual realizes that he has more to gain than to lose if
he opts to change his ways.
Stage 5 – Actualizing the Change
In his decision to grow and develop, the individual now puts into action the necessary
changes in his life, including a change in attitudes, re- alignment of his value system,
change in coping mechanisms and other behavioral changes.
What Makes a Winner?
It is not easy to become a winner. There are many struggles and challenges. Life is not a
bed of roses. There are many thorns to live with. Being able to succeed and to live
happily in the midst of thorns is what makes the big difference. It is what makes a
winner.
A REAL WINNER is one who is able to:

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 Win over his/her battles and difficulties in life and turns them into a learning and
glorifying experience;
 Find meaning in pleasant and unpleasant events in his life;
 Live in peace with difficult people and difficult situations;
 Win the goodwill of others, their respect and admiration;
 Get what he wants using win-win strategies; never at the expense of others;
 Discover and use opportunities to his best advantage; and
 Develop and use his talents and abilities to the best advantage and in so doing,
make meaningful contribution in making this world a better place to live in.
Becoming a winner requires the development of winning qualities, winning attitudes and
winning skills.
The Winning Qualities
1. A Wholesome Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence
2. Positive Social Image
3. Unbiased perception of others
4. Win-win Attitude
5. Proactive Behavior
6. Self-Discipline and Self-Control
7. Well-aligned hierarchy of values
8. Sense of Direction, Meaning and Purpose
The Winning Skills
1. Interpersonal/Human Relations Skills
2. Communication Skills
3. Technical Skills for the career or profession one has chosen
4. Customer/Client Relations for those in contact with customers or clients
5. Managerial and leadership skills for leaders and company officers
6. Time Management

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Assessment: A Portrait of Yourself

Instruction: Answer the following questions.
 The best thing(s) I ever did was (were)

________________________________________
 I wish I could lose my fear of

________________________________________________
 I know I have the talent to

__________________________________________________
 I enjoy people
___________________________________________________________
 I admire _______________________________________________________________
 I feel most productive when ________________________________________________
 I am motivated by
________________________________________________________
 My idea of fun is _________________________________________________________
 Study is exciting when ____________________________________________________
 The best advice I ever got was

______________________________________________
 The thing I value most is

___________________________________________________
 It is easy for me to focus on ________________________________________________
 My idea of a perfect life is

__________________________________________________
 My best days are ________________________________________________________
 My dream is ____________________________________________________________
 I always wanted to _______________________________________________________
 I look forward to _________________________________________________________

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 I spent too much time

_____________________________________________________
 The things my friends like about me

__________________________________________
 When I try to change something

_____________________________________________
 In a group I like to
________________________________________________________
 If I ever win a prize it will be for

______________________________________________
MODULE 2: BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM

Activity 2: Self-Concept Inventory
Name: ______________________________ Date: ________________
Section: _____________________________ Subject: _____________
Instruction: Take a look at you own self-concept and answer the following self-concept
inventory. Give yourself a rating using the scale.
0-1 Very Weak, 1-2 Weak, 2-3 Somewhat Strong, 3-4 Very Strong
____ 1. I have a strong sex appeal.
____ 2. I am proud of my physical figure.
____ 3. I am physically attractive or beautiful.
____ 4. I exude with charm and poise.
____ 5. I am easy to get along with.
____ 6. I can adjust to different people and different situations.
____ 7. I am approachable; other people are at ease and comfortable with me.
____ 8. I am lovable and easy to love.
____ 9. I am a fast learner, can understand with one instruction.
____ 10. I am intelligent.
____ 11. I have special talents and abilities.
____ 12. I can easily analyze situations and make right judgements.
____ 13. I can be trusted in any transaction.
____ 14. I have a clean conscience and carry no guilty feeling

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____ 15. I have integrity and good reputation.

____ 16. My friends, colleagues, can look up to me as a model worth emulating.
____ 17. I can express my ideas without difficulty.
____ 18. I talk in a persuasive manner that I can easily get people to accept what I say.
____ 19. I can express my ideas in writing without difficulty.
____ 20. I am a good listener.
____ 21. I am emotionally stable and not easily rattled when faced with trouble.
____ 22. I am logical and rational in my outlook and decisions.
____ 23. I feel and act with confidence.
____ 24. I am a mature person.
Scoring: Write your score opposite each number and get the sub total.
Physical Appeal Human Relations Intelligence
1. __________ 5. _________ 9. _________
2. __________ 6. _________ 10. _________
3. __________ 7. _________ 11. _________
4. __________ 8. _________ 12. _________
Subtotal: ________ Subtotal: _______ Subtotal: _______
Character Communications Maturity

13. __________ 17. _________ 21. _________
14. __________ 18. _________ 22. _________
15. __________ 19. _________ 23. _________
16. __________ 20. _________ 24. _________
Subtotal: ________ Subtotal: _______ Subtotal: _______

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How do you perceive yourself? Write down your responses and

realizations.
Look at the results of your self-concept inventory and
answer the following questions.
1. In what areas do you consider yourself strong

(with score 14-16) somewhat weak (score of
10-13) and very weak (below 10).
2. Are there qualities you consider as your

weakness but other people consider as your
strength? What are these?
Example: A lady can say “I’m ugly” yet others

consider her very charming. Or conversely
one can have the illusion of saying “I am very
intelligent or competent” when most of his
ideas sound unreasonable or illogical to most
people.
There is indeed a big difference between

what you see in yourself (real self-image) and
what is projected in the eyes of others (your
social image).
The more important question is: How realistic

is your self-image?
To what extent does it reflect your real self?
BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM

People succeed in life because they are convinced, they can. They believe in themselves, in
their abilities and potentials and at the same time they honestly recognize their weaknesses or
limitations. As they saying goes
“What we think, we feel, what we feel, we act.”
Think that you are capable, and you will feel confident and act confident. Act confident and
people will start to have confidence in you.
This thing called “self-image” is a powerful force that influences people’s minds, feelings and
behavior. One’s self-concept is projected in his relationships. With a shattered self-image, he is
inclined to vibrate negative emotions and unpleasant behavior, affecting others in detrimental
ways, making him vulnerable to failure in his personal or career.

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The term self-image is what an individual refers to as the “I” and “ME”, a mirror of himself as
projected to him by his significant others.
When one speaks of negative self-image it can mean either:
 Self-depreciation where one belittles or looks down on oneself, losing one’s sense of
self-worth and value;
 The illusion of the self where there is an exaggerated or distorted view of one’s strengths
or positive qualities.
Both condition undesirable and dysfunctional behavior.
Our feelings, ambition and behavior are all conditioned by our self-image. The person with self-
depreciation thinks inferior and inadequate and therefore feels and acts inferior and inadequate.
He loses his self- esteem and self-respect, feels helpless, become dependent on others and
loses direction and ambition. He may also tend to dislike himself. The person with an illusion of
greatness thinks superior, feel and acts superior and has a tendency to overpower, dominate or
take advantage of others whom he perceives threatening to others, frowned upon and unable to
win others’ respect and goodwill.
The person’s self-image is projected in his behavior and attitudes. Out of what others perceive
in his behavior and attitudes. Out of what others perceive in his behavior, they form their image
or impressions about him. This is known as his social-image. This social image in turn
conditions others’ responses towards him. Frequently we find losers, passive people who are
oftentimes victim of abuse or exploitation because they are perceived to be weak and helpless.
An aggressive person oftentimes takes advantage of that weakness. There are also people who
are perceived to be too strong that they trigger an equally strong aggressive reaction from
others.
On the other hand, people who project a smart, secure personality with high self-esteem and
who vibrate poise and confidence are frequently respected and hardly taken for granted. They
usually exert strong influence on others.
Indicators of a Positive Self-Image

1. Realistic view of oneself – being able to acknowledge one’s positive qualities as well as
weaknesses and limitations.
This means not being too focused on one’s weaknesses to a point of losing sight of
one’s potentials and strengths. Neither does it focus only on one’s strength nor do
positive qualities that one fails to see his limitations and weaknesses.
2. Being true to oneself and accepting oneself in terms of a wholesome self-esteem.

The person accepts the realities about himself, including his weaknesses. Dysfunctional
behavior is usually manifested among people who refuse to accept themselves. In an
effort to prove their worth, they resort to a lot of covering up. An example is the case of a
guy with low education. He covers up for his deficiency by arguing or by monopolizing a
conversation.

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A marred man whose wife excels in her career may start to feel insecure and
comparatively inferior. In an attempt to prove his dominion and power as a man, he may
unconsciously behave in a very authoritarian manner, attempting to control and
monopolize decision making, often times unable to see and acknowledge the wife’s point
of view.
When one is secure with himself there is nothing to prove as he has already proven
himself.
Being true to oneself means being happy for what one is, being honest accepting one’s
limitations and weaknesses without resorting to facial or defense mechanisms in an
effort to gain social acceptance.
3. Positive affirmations – A person with positive self-esteem is a positive thinker. He

nurtures positive affirmations about himself and does not allow unpleasant events or
negative responses from others to ruin his sense of worth and value.
4. Warm and Happy Countenance – The person with a positive self-image projects a warm
and pleasant countenance both in his facial expressions and behavior.
5. Being at peace with Oneself – By not nurturing negative thoughts and affirmations and
by being true oneself, the person experiences inner peace and inner joy.
6. Belief in Oneself – the person with positive self-image believes in his capacities and in
their strengths. He exudes with self-confidence yet accepts and recognizes his
weaknesses and limitations.
7. Will and Determination to Get What One Wants – Self-confidence goes with will power-
the determination of a person to get what he wants and to live by what he believes in. it
also entails courage to take risks without fear or failure. A positive thinker is always
receptive learning form his own mistakes.
Indicators of a Negative Self-image

Physical signs
1. Tense and anxious
2. Gloomy and unhappy countenance
3. Hesitance to give an eye contact
4. Keeping physical distance
5. Weak and wilted handshake
6. Sloppy and shabby appearance
7. Weak, too soft and uncertain voice
Psychological signs
1. Psychosomatic tendencies (always sick)

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2. Timidity and shyness

3. Tendency to withdraw or isolate himself
4. Always seeking attention
5. Being to pleasing in an attempt to gain acceptance
6. Monopolizing z conversation, being a compulsive talker
7. Compulsive smoking or drinking, resorting to scapegoats
8. Impatience and irritability
9. Tendency to be judgmental or insulting
10. Indulgence in gossips or hearsays
11. Always complaining
12. Refusal to admit mistakes
13. All knowing attitude, pretending to know a lot of things
14. Tendency to inhibit or dominate others
15. Jealousy and envy
16. Suspiciousness or paranoid behavior
17. Remorse or guilt, feeling ashamed
18. Tendency to compare oneself with others
19. Idol worship – idolizing sports heroes, movie stars, etc.
20. Dislike of oneself
21. Resorting to various forms of defense mechanisms like rationalizations, etc.
Exercise 1: HOW DO YOU PROJECT YOUR SELF-IMAGE?

Description: What positive and negative qualities do you project in your behavior and
relationships? Find out by doing the following exercise. Indicate with a check the qualities that
apply to you. Score 2 if the statement is always true to you; 1 occasionally true and 0 if never
true.
____ 1. I image to be pleasant in my disposition even if things do not happy as I expect them.
____ 2. I am not ashamed of my weaknesses. I act the way I am and don’t bothered if others
will notice my limitations like my poor communications, etc.
____ 3. I am not obsessed with gaining attention and approval for what I do.
____ 4. I am at peace with myself. I can sleep easily without taking sleeping pills.

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____ 5. I am proud of being me, even with the weaknesses and limitations that I have.
____ 6. I have the courage and determination to get what I want and to take calculated risks. I
am not afraid of failure for I always learn from my mistakes.
____ 7. I am aware of and proud of my personal assets, capabilities and talents.
____ 8. I am always tense and nervous especially in a crowd or when asked to make a
presentation.
____ 9. I prefer to be alone than in a group or crowd.
____ 10. I hesitate to look at others straight in the eyes.
____ 11. I speak with a soft, uncertain voice especially when faced with people’s authority or
influence.
____ 12. I often have a sloppy and shabby appearance.
____ 13. I hesitate to extend my hand for a handshake.
____ 14. I am shy and inhibited.
____ 15. I easily give up when faced with challenges and difficult situations.
____ 16. I have a tendency to monopolize a conversation and I live to talk about myself all the
time.
____ 17. I am suspicious and tend to give meaning to what people do or say.
____ 18. When tense or upset I resort to drinking, drugs, smoking.
____ 19. I am prone to always agree or say “yes” even when not in agreement.
____ 20. I am jealous of some peers, brother/sister, others.
____ 21. I feel inferior to others.
____ 22. I always think I can do better than others.
____ 23. I nurture feelings or remorse, guilt or torture.
____ 24. I have a tendency to compare myself to others.
____ 25. I idolize sports hero, actor, or someone else.
____ 26. I dislike myself.
____ 27. I am impatient and easily irritated.
____ 28. I have a tendency to indulge in gossips.
____ 29. I easily pass judgment on others.
____ 30. I always feel sick.
Scoring:

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Get your score separately for items 1-7, and for items 8-3.
For items 1-7, 12-14 is a high score; 9-11, is average and below 9 is low
For items 8-30, score of 40-46 is high; 31-39 is moderate and below 31 is low
Your score
Items 1-7 __________ items 8-30 __________
Items 1-7 are behavioral manifestations of appositive self-image and items 8-30 indicate
negative self-image. A high score for items 1-7 indicates that you project more positive qualities
indicative of a positive self-image and high self-esteem. Items 8-30 are indicating of negative
self-image. A high score indicates that you possess a lot of negative qualities indicates of poor
or negative self-image.
What does your test results say about you? In what ways do you project positive or negative
self-image? (Refer to the test result)
Positive Self-image
Negative Self-image
WHO ARE YOU?
Look at me straight in the eye and tell me

Honestly who you are.
Is the person you are projecting to others the real you?
Do you want to make people believe how great, how powerful, how attractive you are?
Are you really one or just proving yourself to be one?
Why do you hide your real self behind those masks?

Are you afraid that others get to see the real you – afraid that you will be ridiculed or rejected?
It is this fear that drives you to wear those masks.
All the time you were obsessed with winning attention, love, acceptance or recognition.
Why? Did you not receive all these before so that you are continuously searching for them?
It is this obsession that makes you wear those masks.

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You have been trying to show and prove to others your wisdom by talking too much, monopolizing a conversation,
proving yourself right and others wrong.
At times you are too focused on pleasing others to become pleasing and lovable but always at the expense of
yourself.
Or you are probably a workaholic and a perfectionist in an attempt to received approval and acceptance.
Why boast about your power and position, wealth, prestige or achievements?
Do you really have to be noticed and affirmed to feel good?
Why be afraid, defensive or evasive when confronted about your mistakes or wrong doings?
Isn’t it human to err once in a while?
My friend, why do you deny yourself and put on those masks?

How can you find inner peace when you keep on hiding from your true self?
Can you not be bold enough to be yourself?
So, what if others do not accept or appreciate you as you are?
Will that reduce your worth and value as a person?
That will only happen if you will allow it. Will you?
It is only when you see and accept yourself and in acting the way you are that you come to form your real identity
– one that speaks of the real you, without masks or façade, unaffected by social pressure or social approval,
thinking and deciding for yourself and not be under the control and manipulation of others.
Wake up and see yourself before a mirror.

See and appreciate the real person within you and let go of those masks.
Sooner or later you will realize that you have more to gain than to lose…
These are the rewards of self-respect and the respect of others, integrity for being an authentic person,
inner peace and inner joy, and most of all, being great in God’s eyes.
A. Roldan
The Development of Self-image and Self-esteem
The significant Others
The development of self-image is influenced by the impressions that a person gets from his
significant others – meaning the persons significant to him like his parents, peers, teachers, etc.
James Cooley calles this the “look at the glass self”. The impact of the significant others is very
strong during formative years – 1- 6 years. That is why Sigmund Freud, the father of Psychology
contended that the foundation for the formation of the self and ego is the first 6 years of life.
As an infant, the child gradually recognizes the objects around him and when he grows, he
becomes more aware of himself and then he forms his self-image out of the treatment he gets
from his family, peers, and others significant people in his life. The innocent child tends to
believe and to re-affirm what others say at him.
Self-esteem and Maladjustment
The person’s self-esteem – his sense of worth and value is anchored in his need to be valued.
And he feels valued when his basic physical psychology needs are fully satisfied, particularly
during the formative years.in his life. When he has experienced deprivations, often rejected
rather than valued, he may feel unwanted that he loses his self-esteem. Deprived of love feels
unlovable, being an object of criticism, rejection or condemnation, he looks at himself as good
for nothing, inferior, unlovable or inadequate.

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Dr. eric Berne, the Father of Transactional Analysis mentioned that every person is a
subconscious recording. The words spoken for or against him, as well as experiences of
approval or rejection are all recorded as part of tapes that are embedded in his subconscious
mind. From said experiences, person usually forms his self-concept. When his mother calls him
“idiot” he tends to affirm he is really one. He is inclined to think that he is a nobody because
people around him make him feel like one by the kind of treatment they give. But if treated with
acceptance, affirmed and acknowledged, respected and condemned, he is inclined to see
himself as a valuable and capable person.
Only then will he develop a positive self-image and high self-esteem.
Studies made by Erik Erikson, Sigmund Freud and other well-known behavioral scientist
indicate a direct relationship between childhood experiences, self-concept and abnormal
behavior. Their theory states that as we go through life from infancy to adulthood, we have
some needs to be satisfied which are summed up as the 5 A’s for Healthy development. These
are:
ACCEPTANCE – is the experience of being unconditionally loved, being accepted for what we
are, without conditions, being at home with others. The absence of these results to self-rejection
or a deep sense of alienation or isolation. Because of this experience, may people become
passive.
APPRECIATION – the experience of being valued, given importance of having someone delight
in oneself; a feeling of being special to another person. The absence of these results to shame
and low self-worth or self-esteem. The extreme polarities maybe inferiority or superiority
complex. When one is not appreciated, he is inclined to lose his self-confidence. He may cover
up and prove his worth and power by showing superiority or excellence over others.
APPROVAL – the experience of being recognized or acknowledged for one’s success or
achievements. The absence of these results to self-doubt perfectionism and fear of failure.
Among the manifestations are: being a workaholic, being a perfectionist and absenteeism.
Extreme polarities are: insecurity or boastfulness.
AFFIRMATION – the experience of being valued foe one’s individuality or uniqueness and
giftedness. The absence of these results to extreme conformism, poor self-valuing, difficulty or
inhibition in expressing opinion and in discriminating. Extreme polarities are invalidation or
bragging.
AFFECTION – the experience of being touched caringly, stroked lovingly, and embraced
tenderly because one is worthy of being loved and cherished. The absence of this may result in
retarded physical and mental development, difficulty on relating with people, fear of intimacy
and insecurity. Extreme polarities are emotional neediness or emotional distance.
Deprivation of these basic needs usually lead to shattered self-esteem and various forms of
emotional bondages like self-pity, hurts, insecurities, fear, inhibitions, torture, feeling of
emptiness as well as obsessive need for ratification which are often expresses through anti-
social behavior.
In an effort to gratify unmet needs, the individual is inclined towards narcissistic tendencies like
obsessions and addictions. He can be so obsessing with getting approval and affection by being
too much of a people pleaser, but a workaholic or perfectionist, bragging about himself,

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exaggerating his power of authority, etc. the extreme opposite can be expected. The person
such as withdraws, isolates or alienates himself, keeps distance or becomes passing silent and
unresponsive.
An individual with unmeet needs finds it difficult to relate in harmony only others because he is
more obsessed with winning love rather than in giving love. He seeks to be understood than to
understand, to be noticed rather than to get attention to others’ needs. His self-worth and sense
of security is depending on social approval and he lends to be reactive to rejection and ridicule.
Unable to get the expected affection and approval, he starts to feel empty and unhappy.
The person with unpleasant childhood experiences may also grow up an adult with an angry
hurt inside him. That may contaminate his adult life and may cripple him from building happy
relationships.
In order to shield his threatened ego, the individual with a wounded childhood. To him often
resorts to defense mechanisms and facades. He manifests in outward behavior not his true self
but that which is called by Fr. Keating as false self, the force that makes man vulnerable to sin.
A lot of marital relationships and even working relationships have fall because the parties
involved are nurturing a wounded child within themselves.
Behavioral Manifestations of Maladjustments
One who is deprive of acceptance and approval in his formative years inclined to be:
 An attention seeker, demanding and unable to give love.

 Possessive and a user who takes advantages of other people.
 Easily hurt, nurtures hatred when offended
 Vindictive
 An escapist, escaping painful realities through drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc.
If pampered with too much attention and care, he is also inclined to be:
 Demanding of attention
 Selfish, inconsiderate and conceited
Diagnostic Test 1: DISCOVERING ONE’S PERSONAL BONDAGES

Instruction: Place a I if the statement applies to your life and X if it does not apply to you.
____ 1. Do you have the tendency to talk more about yourself rather than listening?
____ 2. Are you possessive in your love affair and afraid to let go of a loved ones’ even if the
situation so requires?
____ 3. Do you have a tendency to exaggerate your stories or speech to make a good
impression?
____ 4. Do you tend to envy friends or colleagues who are better off than you?
____ 5. Do you tend to flirt to win attention or to keep a love affair?
____ 6. Do you easily lose your temper when your younger brother/sister subordinates disobey
your orders or go against the policies that you want to enforce?

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____ 7. Do you have a tendency to try to please significant people to you all time by giving in to
their demands and expectations even if it meaning sacrificing your own comfort or happiness?
____ 8. Do you get upset or disillusioned when your spouse, lover, subordinate other significant
people do not live up to your expectations or behave of what they should?
____ 9. Assuming you are a person in authority (as in parent, leader, employee, etc.) do you
have a tendency to insist on what you want or believe in even if you meet resistance or
disagreement?
____ 10. Do you rebel or openly question people in authority when they impose you a certain
decisions, rules or policies?
____ 11. Do you always want to be in the limelight or the center of attention?
____ 12. Do you hesitate or feel uncomfortable in following orders from superior or parents,
teachers?
____ 13. Do you always seek to be understood and feel disillusioned when other people can not
understand or accept you?
____ 14. Do you strongly oppose or argue against others who question your ideas, decisions,
instructions, etc.?
____ 15. Do you have a tendency to prepare a rebuttal (response to a statement) when
someone is raising a point?
____ 16. Do you nurture self-pity or depression when you feel unwanted, unlove, neglected or
taken for granted especially by people close to you?
____ 17. Do you have a tendency to insist on your ideas even if they sound unacceptable to
others?
____ 18. Are you an onion-skinned, easily hurt or strongly affected when teased, criticized or
subjected to gossip?
____ 19. Do you feel inadequate in anyways?
____ 20. Do you have a strong aversion or reaction against rigid or very strict rules and
regulations?
____ 21. Do you usually expect people to notice, affirm and recognize your performance or
positive qualities?
____ 22. Do you sometimes resort to drugs, alcohol, and frequent night out when down-hearted,
lonely or depressed?
____ 23. Do you get very much irritated or affected by people who are not organized, or slow to
understand or not neat, etc.?
____ 24. Do you have the tendency to keep several love affairs?
____ 25. Do you easily lose interest in a love affair when things don’t happen as you want them?

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____ 26. Do you have an obsession to be too clean, too organized, and too neat with your
things and around the house or in the office?
____ 27. Do you easily flare up with little mistakes of others especially those people who are
close to you or significant to you?
Reflection Guide
1. From the result of your test, what surfaced as your bondages? Is it in the area of
acceptance, recognition, authority, etc.?
2. Among the cited behavioral manifestations of deprivations, which ones apply to you?
Write them down in tis box?
Behavioral Manifestations of Woundedness

Studies in psychologanalysis point to the following manifestations of broken-ness or wounded-
ness, emanating from traumatic childhood experiences.
1. IDENTITY CRISIS – a person makes choices and decisions not because it is what he
wants or what he believes in but because it is what significant people in his life want him
to do. His sense of security and happiness is focused on the outside world. Thus, he
does not enjoy a healthy inner life.
2. OFFENDER- BEHAVIOR – having been a victim of abuse in the past, he re-enacts hat
happened to him using others, usually his own child as a victim. Yet, he takes no
responsibility for his behavior. This is called Victim-victimizer syndrome. Ex. Having
been beaten up by his father, a man beats his child in like manner.
3. NARCISSISTIC DISORDER – deprived of love, attention or acceptance, the person
becomes obsessed with love or may experience an insatiable craving for attention and
affection. He is never satisfied, always looks for a perfect lover, gets addicted to sex,
money or power, may change partner frequently, etc. the person with this disorder is
hard to please.
4. ACTING OUT/ACTING IN BEHAVIOR – repressed hurts are acted out through an
abnormal behavior like temper tantrums, violent reactions, rebelliousness, over-reacting
to situations, etc.

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5. MAGICAL BELIEFS – magic is the belief that certain words, gestures or behavior can
change reality. An example is a case of a disappointed father who wants to cause toxic
guilt on his child and says “You’re killing me.”
6. INTIMACY DYSFUNCTION – this is an insatiable need for closeness or intimacy
sometimes to the extent of being over possessive or demanding. This is also known as
emotional dependence where one’s security and happiness revolve around the beloved.
The dysfunction may also manifest by fear of intimacy as when one intentionally keeps
distance from others, afraid to love, to be hurt.
7. NON-DISCIPLINED BEHAVIOR – the undisciplined child displays childish behavior like
procrastinating, easy going, stubbornness, rebellious-ness, impulsiveness,
defensiveness, etc.
The over-disciplined child is too rigid, obsessive, overly controlled over-confirming,

people pleasing, ravished with shame, has a lot of should.
8. ADDICTIVE/COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR – Every addiction is rooted in undiscovered or

unresolved grief or hurt or need. There maybe an addiction or compulsion for neatness,
for sex, for work, gambling, drugs, etc.
Ex: being too clean, too organized, slave driver
9. THOUGHT DISTIRTION – Expressed by way of distorted beliefs and ideas including

irrational thinking, jumping to conclusions, over generalizations.
10. EMPTINESS, DAPATHY, DEPRESSION – chronic depression, emptiness, loneliness

and expressed as a result of wounded-ness, traumatic experiences of need deprivation.
On the extreme the person may express apathy, coldness or indifference.

Therapies for Wholeness
From low self-esteem To high self-esteem

From false self To true self
From wounded child To a healed-wonder child
From a fallen child To a restored, resurrected child
One of the most disastrous things that can happen to a person is to lost his sense of worth and
value – self-esteem. When this happens, everything starts to collapse – his dreams and
aspirations, life’s meaning and happiness as well as the ability to establish relationships.
When a person is broken, it is impossible for him to experience inner self and inner peace.
Without this inner peace, he is psychologically handicap from forming healthy relationships and
in adjusting to various situations at home and at work. That is why there are a lot of employees,
front liners, and even ministers and leaders who are unable to adjust and perform effectively
despite their technical know-how simply because or personality handicaps.

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The loss of self-esteem is the start of becoming a loser. Not unless your broken self is restored
to wholesomeness with the shattered self-esteem healed from all its bondages, becoming a
winner will not be realized.
To become a winning personality requires a change of one’s self- concept and an attempt to
bring back the shattered pieces of one’s self-esteem.
The therapy for wholeness lies in our hands. Healing can take place off when one is willing to
confront his inner conflicts with an open heart and mind and is determined to let go. Here are
some therapies that can help in this healing process.
1. Mind Binders – these are the negative affirmation about ourselves that are formed out of
the impressions we get from the significant others in our life.
Example: “I’m good for nothing, I’m inferior, I’m stupid, etc.”
2. Emotional Bondages – Are you hurt? Are you deprived of your needs and expectations
that you are nurturing self-pity or hatred? And you are probably project these feelings in
your relationships with others. These are your emotional bondages. If you continue to
live with them, you will be crippled from being happy and you will never be at peace.
Confront your hurts and start to forgive. Forgive yourself too if you have done some
mistakes. God has already forgiven you. Why can’t you forgive yourself? The past is
past, if we keep on looking back, then wound will never get healed. Healing starts with
unloading the bondages of the past and living for the present.
3. Dependence on Social Approval – Our sense of worth and security is oftentimes

measured by the degree of social approval and acceptance from society. We feel ok to
the extent that others treat us as “ok”. All throughout life we bow to group pressure and
societal demands.in an attempt to be pleasing we need to exaggerate, manipulate, or
cover up. Sometimes we sacrifice our own self for the sake of social approval.
For the scoring guide

In the table below, cross out the numbers where you placed a check in the questionnaire (items
which you checked as applicable to you). Then add the numbers of crossed items.
A B C
2 1 6
4 3 8
5 7 9
16 11 10
18 13 12
19 14 20
22 15 23
24 17 26
25 21 27

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Those in column A are manifestations of bondages emanating from deprivation of acceptance

and affection, those in B relate to deprivations along the area of approval and appreciation while
column C have something to do with deprivations in the area of autonomy.
Your score can tell you how hurt you are and how you manifest it in undesirable behavior that
can be detrimental for you and others. Go back to your past and control your wounds. See how
your present behavior relates to your wounded child. This self-awareness is the begging of your
therapy.
Exercise 2: ARE YOU A SLAVE OF SOCIAL APPROVAL?

Instruction: Answer the following questions: Score 2 if the statement is always true; 1 if
sometimes true and 0 if never true.
___ 1. Do you get so upset and angry when rumors about you spread around?
___ 2. Do you feel very disappointed when your family or friends does not notice you or the
good thing you have done?
___ 3. Do you apologize often even when not at fault?
___ 4. Do you tend to play “martyr” sacrificing yourself or your happiness in an effort to win
others’ love and approval?
___ 5. Do you feel threatened or deeply hurt or affected when someone disagrees with you?
___ 6. Do you fret or get irritated easily when confronted or given negative feedback?
___ 7. Are you hesitant to say “no” to the demands of others for fear of hurting them?
___ 8. Are you extremely bothered when you hear demeaning or discouraging statements like
“It won’t work. There’s no more hope for you”.
___ 9. Are you afraid to express disagreement when not convinced of what others have to say?

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___ 10. Do you always dress and act in way that is pleasing to others more than what is
pleasing to you?
PROJECTING A POSITTIVE SOCIAL IMAGE

Social Image - represents the impressions people make about us as they judge us on the basis
of our looks, body language, communications, attitude and behavior. More often, people
respond to us based on the impressions that they have about us. There are salesmen who are
unable to close a sale or win a negotiation because they appear credible and convincing. There
are children who became a “pet” or a favorite of their parents because they have a special
charisma that is able to win their parents’ affection. A confident, conversant and assertive
individual makes an impression of being smart. If he is a contender for a front liner position or
for promotion, he will likely be preferred over a shy and inhibited person or over one who
appears to be too assuming or with an overblown confidence.
LOOKING GREAT AND ATTRACTIVE
Your Physical projection
First impressions are usually created during the first contact with a person and are often based
on his physical projection – appearance, grooming, posture, poise, body language and the aura
that he projects.
To make a positive physical impact, consider the following pointers:
1. Look clean and well groomed.

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Shabby appearance makes one look untidy a will certainly make a bad impression.
 Be free from body odor and bad breath. Use deodorants and mouthwash to avoid
this smell.
 Fingernails should be well manicured and clean.
 Nail polish, if worn by ladies must not be tattered.
 Gentlemen should keep their fingernails short. Nail polish is not advisable.
 Food handlers must have short nails. Bacteria can breed inside the nails and
contaminate the food.
 Keep hair neat and clean and free of dandruff. Those who work as food handlers
are required to keep their hair short. Ladies with long hair should have them
clipped on both sides or use a headband.
2. Dress appropriately. You are what you wear.
Clothing not only influences how others perceive you but also the way you regard
yourself.
 Always fit your dress to the occasion. If applying for a job, know the company’s
dress code so that you would know what to wear. In going to a party know the
motif or purpose of the event.
 Be restrained in your choice of clothes. Avoid using bright colors, alluring styles
like plunging neckline, mini skirt, backless, etc. unless applying for a job that
requires this kind of style. If you are applying for a decent job and you present
yourself with this style of dress, you can be misunderstood as a sexy, vain and
worldly person, fit for a bar or in the entertainment world and not as an office girl,
clerk or front liner.
 If requires to wear a uniform make sure it is clean and not wrinkled. Check
hemlines and see to it that they are not torn or damaged. Have all buttons in
place. Make sure clothes are comfortably fit to wear.
 If a uniform is not required, use office attire – no shorts, no slippers, shirts must
be with collar, no “maong” pants
 In choosing a dress, consider what impression you must make to get the benefits
you desire. For example, if coming for a date, how do you want to appear in your
dress such that you do not only look attractive but also respectable, not
misinterpreted as cheap or flirt? If coming for an interview, what dress will make
you look decent and smart? A ragged, too casual attire may give an impression
that you are not decent enough to be a front liner.
3. Ladies are advice to “make up” properly
There’s a saying that a woman is not confidently dressed until she is “made up”. The
word “made up” is not confined to facial make u. it covers the whole physical make up
including wardrobe, hairstyle, shoes, accessories, etc.

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4. Take good care of your hair and use appropriate hairstyle.
Use haircut appropriate to the contour of your face. Most hairdresser can tell you what
hairstyle fits you most.
5. Project an inner glow.
 Do not forget to smile – it is the disarming weapon. It gives an impression that

you are ok, happy, warm and approachable.
 Act with vitality. It means you are full of life!
 Leave your worries behind. You might unconsciously be projecting in your facial
expression and body language.
6. Maintain your Poise
Your poise is reflected in your posture and body language. An erect posture, relaxed
body language, appropriate eye contact and absence of unpleasant mannerism project
good poise and carries a message that you have self-confidence. It creates an
impression that you are sure of yourself. With that impression you can make a positive
impact and be more influential.
Maintaining Good Poise
Correct posture not only creates positive impression about you but also frees muscles
from needles tension. Here are some tips for developing good posture:
1. If you are in a standing position, stand upright with shoulders relaxed, arms hanging
on the side. Avoid drooping shoulders. Keep them at right angles to the ground,
neither drooping forward, nor pulled tensely back. Keep chin parallel to the floor.
Tighten your buttocks and flatten your abdomen as thought preparing for a blow.
This protects you from low back pains.
2. When walking, keep your weight slightly forward and move with a flowing stride,
swinging your legs from the hips.
3. When sitting down, make sure that your lower back is fully supported. If necessary,
place a small cushion between the bottom region of the spine – the lumbar area the
back of the chair.
Avoid staying in one position too long. Change position regularly and take a mini
break at least once each hour. During the break, roll your shoulder several times,
forward, then back to relax them.
Eye Contact
Your eye contact has much to say about you. Avoidance of eye contact can be
interpreted as shyness and inhibition, which in turn indicates your lack of self-confidence.

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In a conversation, your inability to look at someone’s eye can interpret to mean that you
are taking the person for granted or that you are interested in what he is saying.
A sneer – eyeball to eyeball contact with the pupils hardly blinking, can interpreted as
hostility and appears threatening to other people. A long, linger look can mean a desire
for intimacy as when a man lingers on a woman long period. This can make the other
party feel uncomfortable.
An ideal eye contact is focused on the eyes but there must be a blink with eyes cast
downward. In a spontaneous eye contact, you may blink the eye once in a while. Eye
contact must go with pleasant facial expression so that it will not be misunderstood as a
sneer.
Body Language and Mannerism
Even without spoken words, some people may be judged as hostile or threatening
because of some unconscious mannerisms.
Here are some examples of unconscious, unpleasant body language.
1. Hands on hips – can be interpreted as arrogance, provocation or dominance.
2. Folded arms – on the chest may reveal a defensive or negative attitude; uncertainty
or insecurity.
3. Biting nails and fingers – communicates inhibition, shyness or inferiority.
4. Frowning face – communicates irritation, anger, resentment.
5. Invading personal space – getting too close in an interaction – an aggressive,
threatening gesture.
6. Pointing fingers – interpreted as blaming, accusing, judging, being authoritarian.
Some non-verbal gesture manifest passiveness and low self-confidence. It lowers the
person’s degree of influence or even respect. Among them are:
Unpleasant Non-verbal Gestures What they communicate

1. Avoiding eye contact  Indifference, no interest, inferiority,
insecurity
2. Keeping physical distance  Fear, insecurity, uncertainty
3. Biting nails, ball pen, any objects, etc.  Insecurity, inferiority, uncertainty
fidgeting with buttons, scratching hair,
body parts while talking
4. Slouching in seat  Indifference, boredom
5. Divided attention  Not interested, taking some for

granted
6. Deep sights  Irritation, anxiety
7. Wrinkled brow  Doubt, suspicion, disagreement
8. Downcast eyes  Fear, anxiety, insecurity

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Activity 4: HOW DO YOU INTERPRET THE FOLLOWING BODY LANGUAGE?

1. Boy scratches his head after a teacher asks him to answer aa questions.
Answer:
2. Student looks at the wall while a teacher is explaining a lesson.

Answer:
3. A host looks at an incoming guest from head to toe.

Answer:
4. Desk clear makes occasional glances at a guest while pursuing her work.
Answer:

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5. Girl bites her fingernails while being interviewed for a job.

Answer:
6. Friend gives you a blank stare while you are explaining your point of view.
Answer:
7. Boss gives you a pat on the back.

Answer:
Improving your Body Language

The first step in improving your body language is to be more conscious of your own habits and
analyze them in the same objectives way in which you would interpret those of other people.
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Are your postures and gestures consistent with the image you want to projects?
2. Do you have mannerism that reveal your tension, shyness, and feeling of inadequacy as
you talk? Example: hands folded across the chest, fidgeting with buttons, etc.
If you have uncontrollable, unpleasant mannerisms and body language, here are some tip to
overcome them:
 Take conscious efforts to adopt a less- guarded posture and more self-confident
gestures as you change your personality style in far- reaching ways. The secret is to
develop new habits and this obviously requires some persistence.
When the urge come to fidget with your buttons or tie hide your face behind your hand, resist it.
When you find that your eyes are straying from people’s faces, force yourself to look back at
them. The more you practice, the more natural it will become.

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If you tend nervously to keep a distance from others, make it a habit to get closer to them. Even
if you feel an urge inside you, avoid sitting on the edge of the chair as well as scratching your
head when you talk.
Increasing your sensitivity to non-verbal signals, unlearn old habits and acquire a more
assertive and open personality.
Physical Fitness
A “must” for Staying Young and Healthy
“The secret of staying young is having a young

heart in outlook, feelings and perceptions”.
Some people look younger than their age. But more people look old than their age. It is not so
much the physiological age that makes people look old but more on their psychological
disposition and their inability to take care of the body. In short, it is the lack of physical and
psychological fitness that speeds the process of aging.
The fountain of youth offers the following tips for staying young:
1. Observe proper nutrition
 Eat well balanced meals – foods rich in carbohydrates, protein, vitamins and
minerals. Good diet improves the skin and prevents mature aging, gives energy
necessary for vitality.
 Observe proper eating habits – do not over eat or take less than the required
calories intake appropriate to your age. Malnutrition means overeating or eating
than what is needed by the body.
Required is 1,600 calories for most women and older adults

2,200 for kids, teen girls, active women
2,800 for teen boys and active men
 Do not eat fast or you may have a tendency to over-eat.

 Avoid eating at night unless you are on active duty.
Physical fitness experts recommend no intake after 6PM.
 Take plenty of natural fiber. This comes from vegetables, fresh fruits and root
crops.
 Take plenty of water. Ideal is at least 7 glasses a day.
 Cut down on alcohol, tea and soft drinks.
 Take fresh fruits rather than canned fruits.
If you are overweight, do something to lose weight. Here are some tips given by experts.
 Rather than go on a diet, eliminate bad eating habits like taking high fat- high
calories foods, eating too fast and taking more than what you need.

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 Watch out for between-meal snacks. Eat fruits rather than high calories foods like
ice cream and chocolates.
 Take plenty of water before meals. It often helps to reduce your obsession to eat
more as the stomach is almost full.
2. Practice proper sleeping habits – Lack of sleeping not only reduces energy but also
causes damage to the skin, causing pimples and other skin disease. Teenagers usually
require 8-14 hours of sleep, adults need 6-9 hours sleep and for the elderly, at least 6
hours.
3. Take regular exercise – exercise helps to improve blood circulation, brings more blood to
the periphery of the body and allows the skin, toes and fingers to derive more nutrients.
It also facilitates the pimping of oxygen into every living cell of the body giving it more life.
Through perspiration and increased inhalation during exercise, the excretory system is
stimulated as waste is eliminated from the body.
4. Take care of your skin – the quality of the skin can be damage by allergies, blemishes,
pigmentation, rashes, etc. these are usually caused by lack of sleep, improper diet,
direct exposure to the sun, dust and dirt penetrating the skin and stress.
PROJECTING A PROFESSIONAL IMAGE
“Clients and customers judge a company not only

by the quality of its products and services but also
by the kind of service personnel who serve them”.
If you are employed in a company or you represent a professional group or an organization, the
clients and customers whom you encounter on the job will perceive you as the company or the
organization you represent. You and the hotel, or the travel agency, etc. clients are not
particular as to who you are or what your name is. All that they see is you as the living image of
the company. Thus, the way you look, talk and act will reflect the corporate image. For instance,
bellboys who escort hotel quests in casual T-shirts and rubber shoes, create an impression that
the hotel is “low class”.
Being a “professional does not only require mastery of knowledge and skills. It is a character
that demonstrates certain qualities and attitudes and a commitment to professional ethics. One
must be professional in all respects – in one’s appearance or physical projection language and
communications as well as in attitudes and manners. We can find career practitioners who have
earned various degree, possessing professional licenses yet their ways are far from being a real
professional.

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The three Dimension of Professionalism

a. Physical projection – this includes:
 Proper grooming -clean cut, no body odor
 Clean fingernails, well pressed uniform, etc.
 Good posture – straight body, no hands in pockets, relaxed
 Natural smile
 Eye contact but not a sneering look
 Absence of unpleasant mannerisms like scratching hair, biting nails, etc. people
with mannerisms lose their poise and make an impression that they have no
confidence in themselves
 Pleasant disposition, no display of irritation
 Appropriate dress and wardrobes – one that fits the occasion and the place
 Oral hygiene, no bad breath
 Appropriate make up for women; not one that is too heavy
b. Verbal projection
 Being careful with tone, pitch and bod language. Tone must be warm and not
harsh to the ear.
 Well-modulated voice- too loud can be interpreted as aggression; too soft voice
projects weakness of character and inhibition
 Spontaneity in expression, not stammering. This indicates mastery of ideas,
making the person sound credible.
 Speaking with authority – ability to explain and justify ideas, readiness to answer
questions. This gives an impression that one knows what he is talking about.
 Tactfulness – saying the right things at the right time and at the right place.
 Assertiveness in expressing oneself – sensitivity to the feelings of others, always
conscious of one’s social impact.
c. Behavior and performance

 Adherence to professional/industry standards of service
 Compliance to standard operating procedures
 Assertive behavior
 Adherence to work ethics and respect for protocol
 Being discreet with confidential matters
 Practice of social graces – proper table manners, telephone courtesy appropriate
behavior in public, etc.
Diagnostic Test 1: DO I PROJECT APROFESSIONAL IMAGE?

Instruction: Here are some questions you can ask yourself to check how far you are from being
a professional:
3 2 1 0
(Always) (Almost (Rarely) (Never)
Always)
A. PHYSICAL PROJECTION
1. Do I wear a uniform that is clean and wrinkle

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free?
2. Do I ensure proper matching of colors in my
attire?
3. Is my hair neatly combed, clean and worn in
style that is becoming to me?
4. Do I use simple jewelries appropriate to my
job/school?
5. Do I always feel and look clean and tidy?
6. Are my shoes shiny?
7. Do I change my socks and underwear
everyday?
8. Are my nails clean?
9. Do I make it a habit to wear deodorants,
especially when I perspire heavily?
10. Do I wear light cologne during school days?
11. Do I brush my teeth after meal or refresh my
breath with oral antiseptic/mouthwash?
12. Am I free of body odor?
13. Am I free of any bad breath?
14. Do I wear simple and appropriate make-up?
(ladies only)
15. Do I retouch my make-up from time to time?
(ladies only)
16. Do I fix my hair from time to time?
17. Am I relaxed and not rattled by irritating or
uncomfortable situations in the school?
18. Do I maintain a good posture while in school
(straight body, not leaning on walls, chairs)
19. Am I free of unpleasant mannerisms?
B. VERBAL PROJECTION
1. Do I speak with a friendly tone and
modulated voice?
2. Do I use simple language in my
conversation with people?
3. Do I maintain eye contact while conversing
with others?
4. Do I play full attention when talking to them?
5. Do I express interest in what people say by
active listening, nodding of head or asking
questions, etc.?
6. Am I more listener than a talker?
7. Do I allow others to finish their statement
before I react?
8. Am I cautious of the words I speak to avoid
hurting or antagonizing others?
9. Do I know how to keep confidential matters?
10. Do I avoid spreading gossip or indulging in
gossips?
11. Do I generously use magic expressions like

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please, kindly, may I, do you mind, I’m

sorry?
12. Can I maintain my composure when talking
to unreasonable or irritating persons?
13. Am I honest and sincere in my
communications and avoid bluffing anyone?
14. Do I avoid unpleasant non-verbal signals like
a sour face, inattentiveness, sneering or
staring look, etc. when dealing with people?
C. ETHICS AND SOCIAL GRACES
1. Do I know and practice my table manners?
2. Do I avoid by passing people in the school?
3. Do I know how to respond when introduced
to someone?
4. Do I keep my appointments and come on
time?
5. Do I give ways to ladies (if man) or to the
elderly?
6. Do I keep my work/study area organized and
the tidy?
7. Do I practice basic courtesies in the use of
the telephone/cellphone?
8. Do I respect the privacy of others on their
personal space (i.e., not opening their
letters, not too close, not eaves dropping,
not meddling in their conversation)
9. Do I have the habit of greeting people I meet
like teachers, classmates, etc.)?
10. Do I avoid gossiping about my friends or
family to other people?
11. Do I refrain from unhygienic practices like
spitting in public areas, sneezing without
covering my mouth, etc.?
Add you score per category. The average is calculated as total score divided by the number of
items.
Calculating Score:
TOTAL SCORE BY ITEM
NOM. OF ITEMS
Total Score Average Remarks

Score
A. Physical Projection

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B. Verbal Projection
C. Ethics/Social Graces
Grand Total
Average Score of
2.8 – 3.00 – is high score

2.5 – 2.90 – is moderate or acceptable
below 2.5 – is not acceptable
From the results of the test, identify your weak points as a professional
Physical Projection Verbal Projection Manner and Ethics
Manners in Conversation
1. In a party, keep conversations with strangers short, maybe 5 or at most minutes for you
to be able to mix and mingle with others.
2. Approach strangers or guests gently and introduce yourself:
Example: I am ____Mr. _______from______
When the other party introduces himself/herself you can say:

“I am pleased to meet you.”

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3. Respect personal space. Do not stand closer than three feet to someone else unless the
room is very crowded. Everyone likes to maintain their bubble of personal space.
4. If you will have to greet celebrities or highly placed officers, do not linger too long with
them as their time is precious. Introduce yourself, say a few words, and then move on.
5. Circulate around and interacts with other guests.do not confine yourself to one person;
otherwise, you defeat the purpose of the event.
6. Be prepared to listen
 Be a good listener and act like one – physically and mentally.
 Focus on the person, concentrate on what he says. Look at the person eye to
eye. You may blink your pupils occasionally to avoid a sneering look.
 Nod to acknowledge or say words like “A ha, I see, I got your point,”
 Ask questions. “Could you elaborate? When was that?
 Smile when appropriate to show you interest.
 Do not interrupt while the other person is talking.
7. Use body language to signal your interest and use listening sounds. Send some signals
to make sure information is accurately communicated and to keep the conversation.
“Do you mean…?”

“Like you said before…”
“What do you mean by…?”
“Will you say that again please?”
“That’s an interesting idea, but what does it mean?”
8. Validate or confirm your understanding of the message. Make sure you got the
information right. This can be done by saying something like:
“If I got you right, you are saying that…”

“It appears to me that…”
“You said that…. Do you mean…”
9. Never monopolize conversations. Avoid bragging about yourself. Be more interested in
what the other party has to say about himself or his interest and concerns. In short, be
more of a listener than a talker.
10. Avoid asking too private or sensitive questions especially from strangers, avoid dwelling
on gossip. Talk about issues and events, common areas of interest.
11. Avoid green jokes. It is a sign of bad taste or poor breeding.
Learn to use handshakes appropriately
1. Make the handshake warm and firm (but not too tight). A slack, handshake may project a
low self-confidence. A firm handshake projects self-confidence, warmth and
graciousness.

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2. The lady should offer a handshake first. The gentleman should wait for the lady to
extend her hand before extending his and.
3. If you are being introduced to a person of higher authority, wait for him/her to offer a
handshake before extending your hand.
4. Ladies should not offer their hand with their palm down. This might be interpreted that
they expect a kiss of a hand rather than a handshake.
Projecting an Image of a “Real Lady”
Most young ladies are very conscious in projecting themselves to the opposite sex. During
parties and social gatherings, usually men pick up one or two among the ladies whom they are
attracted most. Some ladies may have more admirers, others hardly have one.
Interviews with men indicate the following qualities of a lady who attracts them most.
1. Projecting a feminine touch-

 Speaks in a soft voice and modulated tone
 Reserved and acts with dignity, does not flirt nor become showy; is not an
attention seeker
 Does not chase a man
 Not boisterous in the way she laughs and behaves
2. Simple, not extravagant in her looks and attire.
3. Not a gold digger does not demand for expensive dates or expensive gifts.
4. Does not show off superiority over men like:
 Arguing with them or proving them wrong,
 Using downgrading statements, being critical
 Bragging with her achievements or qualities to insinuate superiority or greatness
5. Not sarcastic; careful with her language.
6. Does not talk too much nor monopolize a conversation.
Many men prefer a woman with an image of a “clinging vine” (One who acknowledges
men’s superiority and as a source of strength and makes them feel like one). However,
there is an increasing number of men who would go for a modern woman, no longer the
“Maria Clara” type or clinging vine but one who projects confidence and charm but is not
dominant.
7. Charming although may not be very beautiful in looks.

8. Neither presumptuous nor domineering, does not initiate a date or demand or a place of
date.
Being a Real Gentleman- Basic Courtesies in Public
Most women admire men who are gentle, polite, thoughtful, considerate and always alert to
provide assistance when a situation so requires. Politeness requires respect for other’s rights.
Being considerate means unselfish display of kindness and consideration for people especially
for ladies and the elderly.
Courtesy and consideration are displayed in the following manner:

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1. A boy gives his seat to a lady; a younger person gives his seat to an elderly or
handicapped
2. When lining up in a bank, theatre, etc. the last one goes to the end of the line and does
not rob others of their space
3. As an escort, the man behaves as a gentleman if he:
 Opens the door of the vehicle for a lady
 Stays on the riskier side of the road when walking or crossing the street
 Assists the lady in getting seated, pulls the chair for her to seat
4. Not displaying unruly behavior especially when drunk
5. Always staying alert in extending a helping hand
6. Not monopolizing a dance with one lady
7. Not forcing a lady for a dance or a date
8. Not making advances like touching and hugging a lady
MODULE 3: BUILDING WIN-WIN ATTITUDES & RELATIONSHIPS

Diagnostic Test 3: WHAT’S YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL POSITION?
Name: ______________________________ Date: ________________
Subject: _____________________________ Section: _____________
Deadline of Submission: October 9, 2020
Instruction: Below is a group of statements that speaks of your psychological position and the
kind of script that programs your attitudes and behavior. Encircle the number in each grouping

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(one answer only) which you think applies to you. Make sure you choose only the one which
you honestly feel applies to your thoughts and feelings about yourself, not the one you think will
make an ideal situation. (1 Point each)
1. Everyone, including the good and the bad, deserves to be loved and respected.
2. Most people are so unbecoming and ill- mannered that they deserved to be treated
harshly.
3. I tend to give priority or more favor to others than myself.
4. This world is full of deceitful and bad people so I find it hard to trust and respect them.
5. I believe each person in our work/school group is exerting his best efforts.
6. In my class, I perform better than most of my classmates.
7. I really wish I had same talents and resources as my classmates, other people so that
I could perform as well as they do.
8. No one in the class can claim he is doing well. Each one has his own share of faults
and defects.
9. I see a very bright future for me and my classmates in our chosen course.
10. Compared to my classmates, I have more accomplishments to be proud of.
11. I feel so limited in my capacities that I do not aspire for higher goals.
12. With the present system in our school or country, there is little bright future to look
forward to.
13. I tend to focus on my positive than the negative qualities in myself as well as others.
14. I have a tendency to find fault in others than I often overlook their positive qualities.
15. I see myself inferior to most people or my classmates who are blessed with talents
and positive qualities.
16. More often, I tend to be critical and judgmental of other people.
17. I like myself as I am and I like others for what they are.
18. I dislike a lot of people especially those who disappoint me.
19. I wish I could be as nice and lovable as other people.
20. I dislike myself and also many, if not most people.
21. I am clear about my goals in life and I’m decisive in getting what I want.
22. I am inclined to be aggressive in getting what I want.
23. I tend to dilly dally or slowdown in making plans and decisions for fear of making
mistakes.
24. I refrain from making plans ahead and leave it to fate. (bahala na attitude)
25. In my communications with other people, I am careful with my words so as not to hurt
or antagonize them.
26. Most of the time, I express my negative feelings brutally and straight to the point
regardless of whoever gets hurt.
27. I am inclined to suppress my feelings, concerns or complains for fear of being rejected
or put down.
28. More often I hurt myself and others by the words and gestures I make.
29. I project a warm and cheerful disposition most of the time.
30. I can only be warm and friendly to the few people I like.
31. Very often, I feel lonely and project a gloomy and sad disposition.
32. I am always bored and lonely.

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33. I am open to criticisms and don’t keep a grudge against the one who gives me the
feedback.
34. I resent being told about my shortcoming for I know what I am doing.
35. I am easily hurt and resent criticisms.
36. I keep a strong grudge against anyone who criticizes me.
37. During class or group activities, I participate actively but don’t monopolize the
discussion.
38. I usually do most of the talking during meetings/class discussion.
39. I am more of a spectator and listener than a talker during class/meetings.
40. I am not interested in discussions and group activities and I tend to be critical and
uncooperative.
Follow up questions: (5 points each)
1. What does your score indicate about you?

Answer:
2. What is your dominant psychological position?

Answer:
Scoring key
Scoring Instructions: in the table below, cross out all the numbers that correspond to those
that you have encircled in the test. For example, if you encircled no. 2 in the test, then cross out
number 2 in the matrix below. This falls under column B. after you cross all your answers, get
the total number of crossed items per column.
A B C D
1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28
29 30 31 32
33 34 35 35
37 38 39 40
TOTAL: TOTAL: TOTAL: TOTAL:

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INTERPRETATION OF SCORES – The column in the test represent:
A – WIN-WIN – I’m ok, you are ok

B – WIN-LOSE – I’m ok, you are not ok
C – LOSE-WIN – I’m not ok, you are ok
D – LOSE-LOSE – I’m not ok, you are not ok
The column where you scored highest represents the dominant program or script that you
project in life and in your relationships.
Characteristics of the 5 Scripts
Becoming a winner requires a wholesome self- image and self-esteem. A person has to love
and value himself first before he can love and value others. Loving and valuing oneself and
others in mutually satisfying ways are the foundations of a happy, mature and stable personality
as well as healthy relationships.
People are programmed to use certain scripts in their relationship depending on their life
position and personality. Stephen Covey in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
classifies these scripts into five, namely:
Scripts Life Position Behavior
Win-Lose I’m Ok, you are not ok Aggressive
Lose-win You are ok, I’m not ok Passive
Lose-lose I’m not ok, you are not Ok Non-assertive
Win-win I’m ok, you are ok Assertive
Win I’m ok
The script a person uses in a relationship is conditioned by his state of mind. Richard Harris
speaks of this state of mind as life position. Each life position is a product of one’s paradigms, a
personal view of oneself (self-image) and one’s perception of the people around him, his work
and his social environment.
Win-Lose (Aggressive)
People with win-lose personality are:
1. Determined to win over others at all costs, no matter who gets hurt and no matter what
the consequences are;
2. They are inclined to prove themselves right and others wrong;
3. They often use their credentials, power, position, authority and even personality to get
their way and to exert influence over others.;

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4. They use aggressive or exaggerated behavior as a way of compensating for their

inadequacy;
5. They are easily threatened when their ideas are being attacked or when they meet
opposition or disagreement;
6. They perceived achievers or smart people as their competitors for power or attention
and they feel threatened. They cannot accept defeat and are determined to discredit
their opponent in an effort to prove themselves; and
7. In a desire to exert influence and to prove themselves, they unknowingly control or
manipulate other people’s lives.
A Win-Lose attitude wears many faces. The following are some of them:
 Using other people, emotionally or physically, for your own selfish purposes.
 Spreading rumors about someone else (as if putting someone else down builds you up).
 Always insisting on getting your way without concerning yourself with the feelings of
others.
 Becoming jealous and envious when something good happens to someone close to you.
Persons who carry a win-lose script in their relationships find it hard to win the goodwill and
respect of others. Their aggressive responses breed resentment and anger. Certainly, no one
will be comfortable with a person who dominates, controls, manipulates or puts down others in
an effort to prove himself.
Lose-Win (Passive)
Other individuals are programmed with an opposite script. People who are programmed to use
this script have the personality of;
1. Allow others to win over them.;

2. Feeling inadequate or insecure, they have a tendency to depend on others to run their
lives, even to a point of allowing themselves to be controlled, abused or manipulated.
Such individuals have lost their sense of identity;
3. They cannot think and make decisions for themselves;
4. They easily give up, do not stand up and cannot assert their ideas or express their
feelings;
5. They are too careful and too afraid to hurt others whom they perceive to be much bigger,
better and more powerful than themselves.;
6. Meek and enduring, they are known to many as the “nice guy”;
7. People who have this kind of behavior are too shy or inhibited, enduring and yielding;
8. They projecting an image of being weak and vulnerable, they are the favorite victims of
strong, aggressive, win-lose individuals who triumph in the conquest of others;
9. They are often under the control of win-lose individuals who unconsciously dominate or
manipulate them;
10. They have a shattered self-esteem and they carry a lot of emotional bondages - hatred,
envy, inhibitions, self-pity and depression.
People who have lose-win script may not outwardly express resentment but they manifest their
feelings and weak character through their body language and behavior such as a gloomy

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countenance, coldness and indifference, loss of energy and enthusiasm, weak voice,
psychosomatic illnesses and other related symptoms.
It is very possible that the permissiveness of a person with a lose-win script may come to its
limits. When his ego is frequently attacked, the suppressed feelings will accumulate and
possibly explode to a violent reaction.
Constantly repressing their ill feelings, lose- win people lose meaning in their life and are
crippled to climb the ladder of success. Even the quality of their relationships suffers. These
people are considered failure prone personalities.
Lose-Lose (Non-Assertive)
When two stubborn aggressive individuals are determined to destroy each other, the result is
lose-lose. Both will lose. This is the tendency of people to;
1. Want to “get even” or retaliate even when they know that in so doing, they have more to
lose than to gain;
2. They are focused on destroying an enemy, a rival or opponent.
3. People with this kind behavior are those who are shattered and miserable that they want
others to be as miserable as they are. For them, when nobody ever wins, losing isn’t too
bad after all.
With this script, people are simply obsessed with winning and in getting what they want without
necessarily having to make someone lose. They are only focused on their victory and never on
an enemy or opponent. Fir these people, their security is their only interest. They leave it to
others to secure theirs.
Win-Win (Assertive)
When a person has a positive regard for himself and for others, he is programmed for a win-win
script as a way of life. Win-win personalities may be very much concerned about their personal
interests but they do not lose sight of how others are affected by their decisions and actions.
Thus, the obsession of a win-win person is to maintain a mutually satisfying relationship with
others- peers, colleagues, subordinates, spouse, clients, etc.
A win-win person goes for win-win solutions during a negotiation. He always has in mind the
consequences of such decisions in terms of its effect on himself and on others. He believes in
and values others and treats his colleagues or teammates as collaborators or partners rather
than enemies, treats or competitors. He believes in participative problem solving and he
interdependence in getting things done. Win-win individuals who work together make a perfect,
healthy and productive team.
Assertion is the language of a win-win person. It is demonstrated by people who use a script of
“I’m ok, you are ok”. If we believe in others, we will encourage them to express themselves and

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to give their contributions. And we will listen to them and affirm them. Win- win people are highly
sensitive and responsive to others.
Being sensitive means:
 Being diplomatic and tactful in the use of words, careful so as not to attack other
people’s ego; not using insulting, demeaning or put down statement;
 Responsiveness to signals for help or assistance; being generous in extending a
helping hand whenever needed;
 Listening with empathy, being able to “place oneself in other’s shoes”; feel what they
feel.
 Always focused on ideas/issues than on personalities when faced with conflict
situations or problems.
Since win-win people are assertive, they are less vulnerable from being exploited or
manipulated. In getting what they want, they manage to maintain the respect and goodwill of
others. Consequently, they make more friends than enemies.
The Fruits of a win-win attitude
 Courage
 Openness to correction
 Honesty
 Fairness
 Love
 Patience and tolerance for people
 Consideration for others
 Empathy and compassion for others
 Tactfulness and diplomacy
 Responsiveness and generosity
 Trust in others
 Respect for feelings and human dignity
 Will power and determination
Key Points
1. Among the three personality types, assertive personalities are in a position to keep
healthy relationships, because they are authentic- no front or façade, no bondages or
biases, no fears or insecurities. They are at peace with themselves and others. It takes
one to like and respect himself before he can love and respect others. Our aura is
reflected in what we think and feel. Biases and emotional bondages surface in our aura,
in our non-verbal – tone, volume, body language.
2. Passive and aggressive individuals find it hard to establish healthy relationships.
The passive person carries with him a lot of suppressed emotions, hurts, hang-ups,
fears and insecurities that he loses his self-identity. He is afraid to tale risks and to make

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decisions. Feeling helpless, he becomes dependent on others to run his life. He often
allows himself to be controlled by others, making himself a loser.
Passive people usually lack the courage to verbalize their feelings or their stand on
issues. However, they express their disagreement or isolation, frowning face, show of
irritation and other unpleasant gestures.
3. Aggressive people or leaders are self-centered. Obsessed with recognition, they want to
be a star. They show off their power and domination by controlling others. They are
unable to work well with a team since they do not believe in interdependence and they
have a tendency to belittle and trample on the rights of others.
The aggressive person may get what he wants by force or fear, but he loses goodwill
and respect from others. He kills morale and triggers rebellious behavior instead of
compliance and cooperation.
Developing an I’m Ok, You Are Ok Program
There are two barriers in developing a win-win program with an I’m ok, you are ok script.
1. Mind Binders (consists of negative thoughts and distorted paradigm) which consist of:
 Negative affirmations about oneself and others as well as biased or distorted
perceptions of reality;
 From sad and traumatic experiences, a person’s forms generalized impressions
and judgments about people and events; and
 He is deceived and hurt by a loved one, he tends to think that many others are
the same.
2. Emotional Bondages (consists of negative emotions) like:
 Self-pity
 Depression
 Feeling of inferiority or superiority
 Anger and hatred towards other people
 Unforgiving attitude
 resentment
The Magic of positive Strokes
An important tool in making others feel ok is a positive stroke. This is manifested through
actions which boost the ego of another person, making him feel valued and important. This can
be expressed through:
 non-verbal language
 verbal expressions
 gestures
Non-verbal Language/Strokes Written
1. Smile 1. Written commendation

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2. Eye contact 2. Thank you notes

3. Nod 3. Hello notes
4. Signs of approval 4. Greetings in a card
5. OK sign using the finger 5. Love notes, love letters
6. Clap or applause 6. Congratulatory notes
7. Pat at the back used by some Filipino
managers
8. Moving forward in an attempt to listen
9. Shaking hands
10. Undivided attention
11. Immediate attention
Verbal Expressions/Strokes Examples:
1. Words of praise “That’s a fantastic idea.”

2. Words of gratitude “Thank you for the generosity.”
3. Words of appreciation “That was indeed very thoughtful of you.”
4. Words of affirmation “You can make it.”
5. Words of acknowledgement “I get what you mean”
6. Words of agreement “I agree that we really need to change our
7. Words of empathy – feeling for a system on…”
person as if you are in his place “It pains me to see you sad.”
8. Words of admiration “I salute you for that.”
9. Words of sympathy “Please accept my sincerest condolence.”
10. Expressions of love and concern “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
11. Use of magic words like “It’s nice to see you again.”
Gestures and Actions
1. Immediate attention
2. Consistent and undivided attention
3. Leaving the work behind to
concentrate one’s attention to
somebody
4. Extending a helping hand
5. Taking time to listen and to empathize
6. Any act of charity
7. Checking customer satisfaction by
soliciting feedback “Is everything
alright?”
8. Symbolic gestures of concern or
approval like a pat at the back, ok
sign using the finger

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Activity 5: POSITIVE STROKES APPLICATION

Name: ______________________________ Date: ________________
Subject: _____________________________ Section: _____________
Instruction: Which of the positive stokes mentioned do you do for others to make them feel ok?
Give one in every stroke. (1 point each)
Recipient of Non-verbal Strokes
Verbal Strokes Gestures
Positive Strokes Given
Parents
Grandparents/spouse
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Brothers/Sisters
Friends
Teacher/Boss
Classmates
The Magic of Affirmations
The words we speak to others work in hypnotic ways. What we think of others precondition our
feelings and attitudes towards them and these feelings condition their responses. Their
responses in turn magnify our biases and negative reactions.
Affirming people of their innate capacities is one step towards helping them to succeed.
Affirmations build confidence and confidence builds guts and determinations to succeed.
Re-programming the “You are not Ok” to “You are Ok” Script
Positive perception of others conditions positive feelings and favorable responses. Negative
perception results to negative feelings and biased attitude which are bound to trigger negative
responses.
A. Negative perception is influenced by:

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1. One’s expectations, based on our set of moral and values and standards
 Some people become disappointed or disillusioned when others fail to meet their
expectations. They have a tendency to expect others to be like them, to be as
intelligent as they are, work as fast as they work, etc.
2. Past experiences
 Experiences of hurt, persecutions or abuse during childhood and even at the later
stage of life create biases and prejudices and ever fears or paranoia. Traumatic
experiences can have devastating effect on man’s perceptions and paradigms as
well as in creating biases and prejudices.
 Biased people cannot see reality because they get too focused on the negative
side. From isolated experiences they make hasty generalizations of people and
events. They assign meanings that do not exist.
 Biased people see things with colored lenses. Using their traumatic past as a lens
or point of reference, they lose objectivity in perceiving and judging present
realities. People associated with their past usually serve as standard or reference
in judging others.
3. Stereotypes
 Isolated experiences with people and events tend to be generalized and isolated to
the whole tribe or ethnic groups. From these generalized impressions, stereotypes
are developed.
 People without a sense of objectivity accept stereotypes without question. They fail
to see realities. They also fail to understand that even if there are cultural
similarities in certain tribes or ethnic groups, each person is unique because he is
socialized differently and has acquired a different set of morals and values.
Exercise 4: RE-PROGRAMMING YOUR PERCEPTIONS

Name: ______________________________ Date: ________________
Subject: _____________________________ Section: _____________
Instruction: Answer the following question. Essay type. (5 point each)

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Read the paragraph before answering the Questions:

questions
1. How did you feel doing this exercise?
Close your eyes and think of a person/s Answer:
whom you have some resentments because
of a certain biases. This person can be your
parent, brother, sister, friend, relative or
teacher, lover. Perhaps this person has done
something painful or disappointing that
triggered your resentment and bias. 2. What is the effect of this exercise
However, if you want peace within yourself, regarding your feelings on the
you must decide to get rid of the resentment. person/s you have visualize?
This can only be healed if you choose to Answer:
change your perception, see the person
within, look for something positive and
understand the circumstances behind his
actions.
Bring back your thoughts on the person. Look

back on the beautiful moments you shared 3. Insights and realizations
together, the nice things he/she has done, Answer:
some positive qualities that he has
demonstrated. What do all these mean to
you? Have they lost their value and merit to
you just because of one offense or mistake?
How to Develop a “YOU ARE OK” Script?
1. Expand your perception – Look into the positive

 When you confine your sight to only one angle, chin or eyes only, you cannot see the
other side of the picture. You can see only a part, not the whole. This is the way most
people perceive and judge themselves, other and even situations. They see small pieces
of somebody’s character but not the person within. They see his faults and never his
virtue.
 It takes a more objective view of the person and the situation to overcome our biases.
We need to re-focus our attention on the whole person, giving more weight to his
positive qualities, the good things he has done, his sacrifices and valuable contribution.
2. Let go of the past and forgive

 A person who lives with the bondage of the past remains biased, bitter, unhappy and
never at peace.
 Forgiveness is letting go of the past that continue to haunt us or hurt us in the present.
Steps in the Process of Forgiveness and Inner Healing

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a. Bring out the things that have hurt you. This can be done by talking to a counselor, a
friend, a priest or even talking to God before an altar.
b. Feel the pain by identifying the hurt and identify who and whatever caused it.
c. Release the pain and let go. Cry it out if you must. Do not suppress. One best place to
release is before the Blessed Sacrament or before your altar at home. Light a candle
and concentrate on the Lord at the altar. Stay in solitude with God and release to Him
your pain.
d. Free yourself from the bondage of being a victim. If you consistently think of yourself as
a victim, you will continue to live with self-pity and depression.
e. Let go of the past. Forgive the person, the act, the experience. This can be done verbally
by outwardly expressing “I forgive” mentally as you visualize the person and mentally
expressing your forgiveness.
f. Visualize the blessing that you will receive when you forgive. Visualize hoe the person is
blessed and unburdened after being forgiven.
3. Maximize your people tolerance

 People tolerance does not mean tolerating an abuse or misbehavior that may have
undesirable consequences. Neither does it mean allowing oneself to be a victim of
aggression or not doing anything to correct a wrong doing. It is more of an attitude and
disposition whereby one comes to accept painful realities in life including the reality of
living, working and meeting difficult people. Once people learn to accept and live with
these realities, he is predisposed to become more pro-active than reactive. He is able to
maintain his emotional balance in the midst of irritating people and events.
Characteristics of People with Low Tolerance
1. They are easily irritated, prone to lose their temper, they tend to carry their anger and
bad mood all day long, affecting their disposition and relationship with others.
2. They are also reactive. They respond impulsively, oftentimes losing sight of the moral
values when faced with irritating people and situations.
3. They are highly biased and discriminating. They associate with only a few and void
people who fall short of their standards and expectations.
4. They are prone to stress because they are emotional and impatient.
5. They are easily scandalized by people who exhibit immoral or undesirable behavior or
any actuation that run counter to their moral standards.
6. They are critical and judgmental. They judge, criticize, put down others who fail to meet
their standards or expectations.
Diagnostic Test 4: WHAT IS YOUR LEVEL OF PEOPLE TOLERANCE?

Name: ______________________________ Date: ________________
Subject: _____________________________ Section: _____________

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Instruction: Assume that you are faced with the following situations. How are you inclined to
react? (Write you most probable reaction given your mood and temper, not one which you think
should be an ideal reaction). (1 point each)
Write HA (highly affected) – Which means you are most inclined to be irritated, scandalized or
to keep a grudge or to lose your temper
SA (slightly affected) – may be hurt or slightly irritated but not to a point of being
scandalized or keeping grudges or losing temper
NA (not affected) – Which means you are not affected at all or you don’t give a damn
____ 1. Learning that your friend is keeping a homosexual affair.

____ 2. Having a neighbor who is an alcoholic or addict.
____ 3. Seeing a woman in church with a low neckline, backless blouse and very short skirt.
____ 4. Lovers kissing in public.
____ 5. Your parent/s shouting at you and calling you an idiot.
____ 6. Learning that a priest or a nun is involved in a love affair.
____ 7. Your boyfriend/girlfriend confessing to you that he had a child with a boy/girl before you
or your boyfriend/girlfriend confessing that he/she had premarital sex with another
man/woman.
____ 8. You came to know your father has an illegitimate child from a woman other than your
mother.
____ 9. You have encountered a customer who is too demanding and complains of petty
matters.
____ 10. You have a classmate who cannot understand nor follow instructions.
____ 11. You encountered in a party an acquaintance who brags too much and tries to call
attention to himself.
____ 12. A colleague, friend, spouse, or classmate openly argues with you and disagree with
your ideas during your discussion.

Understanding The Self Lecture

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Understanding the Self ( Lecture)

BS Psychology (Polytechnic University of the Philippines)

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

MODULE 1: WHAT MAKES A WINNING PERSONALITY

1. How did you feel when watching this show?

2. Did watching this show benefits you? If so, how?

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

Hierarchy of Needs Theory

Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory:

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

Assessment: A Portrait of Yourself

 The best thing(s) I ever did was (were)

 I wish I could lose my fear of

 I know I have the talent to

 I feel most productive when ________________________________________________

 My idea of fun is _________________________________________________________

 Study is exciting when ____________________________________________________

 The best advice I ever got was

 The thing I value most is

 It is easy for me to focus on ________________________________________________

 My idea of a perfect life is

 My best days are ________________________________________________________

 I always wanted to _______________________________________________________

 I look forward to _________________________________________________________

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

 I spent too much time

 The things my friends like about me

 When I try to change something

 If I ever win a prize it will be for

MODULE 2: BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

____ 15. I have integrity and good reputation.

Character Communications Maturity

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GEC 1 – UNDERSTANDIN THE SELF

How do you perceive yourself? Write down your responses and

1. In what areas do you consider yourself strong

2. Are there qualities you consider as your

Example: A lady can say “I’m ugly” yet others

There is indeed a big difference between

The more important question is: How realistic

To what extent does it reflect your real self?

BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM

“What we think, we feel, what we feel, we act.”