2.

Power in Relationships: The Full Dynamics (Made Simple)

This lesson is a primer and an overview of power dynamics in intimate

relationships.

We have already seen part of it in the dating power dynamics, and this
lesson will add more information from a relationship perspective.

The Pattern of Power in Relationships

Power shifts in romantic relationships in a predictable, recurrent
pattern.

The obvious disclaimer here is that not all relationships are exactly the
same and that exceptions abound.

That being said, the following pattern applies most of the time to most
relationships.

Before Sex: She Has More Power

We have already seen that women are the choosers.
As the choosers, before sex women screen and assess men.

After Sex: He Has More Power -With A

Caveat-
After sex, he tends to have the upper hand.

A few caveats here.

First of all, contraception has changed the game. Sure, our nature
hasn’t changed since, but culturally everyone knows that sex with
protection won’t lead to childbirth.

Second, even in nature, only a minority of sexual intercourses lead to

pregnancy.

What does this all mean?

It means that sometimes it takes more than one intercourse for a
woman to switch from “he needs to get me” to “now I accept him as
my lover”.
And it might take even longer before she decides that she wants to
lock him down for a relationship.

How much power sex grants him also heavily depends on whether
she wants him as a stable partner or not.
If she considers it a roll in the hay, then it means little or nothing. If she
wants him as a partner, then he gets a big power boost and it’s up to
her now to chase him (also remember the previous lesson on speed to
sex).

After Several Sex Encounters: He Has More

Power
Once sex happens regularly without a relationship, power shifts on his
side.

If there is no relationship status fully in place yet, the tendency is for

her to pursue the official status.

Keep in mind that there is also a strong tendency for women to start
liking men with whom they have routine sex, even if at the beginning
they didn’t think very highly of them.
The instances in which the man has the most power is when sex
happens often, she likes him a lot and he is not making any overtures
about a committed relationship.

Here is an example from Bridesmaids:

https://youtu.be/g2iWVWVSb6Q

What women look for:

she is worried here whether he will commit to her or not. She looks for
signs that he cares and she tries to test for and secure his
commitment.

After Commitment: She Has More Power

Once she gets official relationship status with exclusivity, there is a
resurgence in power on her side.

We already mentioned why.

When a man gives commitment and exclusivity he is (officially) giving
up the possibility of random sexual encounters (mating opportunity
costs).
Yes, the woman does the same, but strictly from a genetic point of
view, the exclusivity for a woman is not nearly as costly: remember
that men have much to gain from random sex than women?

What does it mean?

It means that when the two give exclusivity to each other, the
woman takes and the man gives.
That’s a big win for her and it reflects in the power dynamics.

Furthermore, men lose more drive than women when they are in a
relationship and there is often a drop in testosterone -some
researchers hypothesized it’s to help men switch from a “hunting for
mate” to a “nurturing for the family” role-.
Men tend to become tamer, which further increases the risk he will
lose even more power as time goes by if he lets himself go -and most
men do let themselves go-.
But, of course, you don’t have to be like most men (and you’re not if
you’re reading here).

A drop in testosterone is not necessarily bad though: high level of

testosterone can be harmful to the immune system. Furthermore, it’s
not a permanent drop.
One study found that merely having a brief conversation with a young
woman increased men’s T levels, so don’t worry too much about it.

Note For Men: This is not an encouragement to avoid

commitment
This is not an encouragement for men not to “give” official relationship
status and/or exclusivity.
This analysis is from a biological and reproductive standpoint only
which reflects in power dynamics.
But a man also gains from commitment, including increased likelihood
of parternity, monopolization of her reproductive system, social status
increase, and higher quality children who grow up with a father figure.
And that’s without even considering the emotional point of view.

What she looks for:

She looks for confirmation that he is a good choice while she
(unconsciously) tries to shackle him and increase his investment (we’ll
see this later).

Early Relationship: Power Re-Negotiation

Partners enter the relationship with a certain power structure already
in place. That power structure depends on different factors:
– Who has higher SMV
– Who needs the other the most
– Who has more options
– Who insisted the most in being together
– Who sacrificed the most for being together (usually he sacrificed the
most)

However, no matter with which level of power partners entered into

the relationship, during the beginning there is a sort of “power
negotiation phase”.

Before the relationship was official there wasn’t nearly as much

decision making.
But now, with a serious relationship, things change.

The two of them will start deliberating and deciding on many more
topics. From where to go on holidays to personal boundaries to
potentially where to live, to household finances and family planning.

Usually what happens is a non-written division of power and

influences.

He might be the one deciding which car to buy, when to repair it and
how to manage and share its use. She might be the one with full
control over house decoration -I am picking very traditional roles here
but this is just an example-.

The partner with more overall power though tends to oversee things
and to have the biggest influence on major decisions that impact both
of them.
That partner is usually the leader of the relationship.

What she looks for:

Women look for confirmation of continued interest and attraction.
Most women, for example, will take note of how often he makes love
to her, and if it’s decreasing too abruptly, they can interpret it as a sign
of danger to the relationship.
And they have good reasons for it: some men, and especially men
with a short-term bias, tend to lose attraction over time.
PRO Tip: The danger of setting a precedent that is too sexual
That can create some issues, and this is why, contrary to many online
sources on seduction, I warn men on the dangers of initial sex being
too good, too frequent, or too “animal-looking”. The better and more
frequent it is, the stronger the contrast if he will lose that drive later on
in the relationship.

Long Term Relationship: She Accrues More

Power
The tendency of most relationships is that, over time, the woman
becomes more powerful and the man more subservient.
Many women put into practice innate tendencies of increasing
demands and requests that, little by little, eats away at his power.

There are several theories as to why this happens:

– Men in a relationship have less testosterone

– She seeks security and the more control she has, the safer it is
– She seeks confirmation of devotion, and control is the best
confirmation
– Men let themselves go
– He lost with commitment, it’s now a “slippery slope” effect
– Psychologically, he shifts from (possible) inseminator to provider at
her service
– She works hard to make him less an inseminator and more a
provider

There is evidence to show that relationships where she is in charge

last longer. We might speculate then that women try to
(unconsciously) control their men because that guarantees the safety
and length of the relationship.
But on this point here, I am still making my mind up on why women
tend to accrue more power.
It’s possible we will never have a final answer and that all factors
contribute. But at the end of the day, the reason why matters only up
to a certain point and the effects are the same.

And if men want to maintain power and independence, they must be

ready to defend their boundaries from encroachment.

SMV Fluctuations: Power of Improvement

Power changes also as life options and personal skills and resources
change.

The partner who improves the most is the one who is liable to field
demands of renegotiation on their current power structure.

It can happen in many different ways.

If they married when they were both young, they married while she
was at her sexual market value peak while he is still climbing.
And he will potentially keep climbing even as she goes past her peak.

Or he might start earning more, or gets promoted and now sees

secretaries lusting after him; or they married students and he flunked
while she now has a degree; or he was older and now that she’s
mature she doesn’t see him as a father figure anymore but more as an
equal.
Or one partner keeps reading and developing mentally while the other
only grows more conservative.

As you can see, there are many different ways one can grow and
“outgrow” his/her partner.
The changes in personal power and personal development can bring
about turbulent times in the relationship.
And the effects of changes are much bigger if partners are not fully
committed to the relationship.

It’s also possible that the partner who is growing less -or shrinking-
sees the partner’s improvement as a threat.

And it’s not just a question of self-esteem. They might be right in

worrying: partners who are not 100% committed to their
relationship might re-assess their market value and consider
whether they can get better.

This is when successful men find younger partners as they acquire

more resources, power, and experience.
And women become dissatisfied with men who have become
complacent and failed to advance and improve as much as they did.

Growing Old: Paper Power For Him, Real

Power For Her
Biologically, men retain more reproductive power over the years than
women.

That leads some to believe that men have more power and hence are
more likely to leave her for another woman.

That might be true for some attractive, high-resources men.

But it’s not true for the majority of couples. Indeed, the opposite is
true. Women initiate more than 65% of divorces after the age of 50.

The truth is that most men grow complacent in the belief their woman
will always be there while they lose all drive and confidence they can
find a new woman.
The woman might not have much interest in finding a new man, but
she might simply prefer being alone.
This is especially the case post-launching phase and once they don’t
need to be together anymore for the sake of the children (remember:
women are more practical).

I have met more than one older woman who complained to me about
their men “getting worse” over time (one American expat told me of
her husband, with a smirk of disgust on her face, that “he’s getting
more and more German”).
These are women who might not re-marry, but who still might be
tempted to go without him

Breakup Power: She Dominates

There is a big difference in relationships’ approach between men and
women.

Men are content with things staying as they are. They don’t need
marriage, a ring, or official status.
Women, on average, need all of them much more than he does.

On paper, that gives him more power.

And indeed women who are afraid of asking what they need -and
there are quite a few- end up being puppets on a string for a lifetime.

Women who are afraid of being dumped lose all their power.

However, those same needs can also make assertive women much
more powerful on the imaginary negotiation table.

Indeed, because of their needs, women also have more walk away
power.
Women Have Walk Away Power
Women need progression.

And going from dating to official to married is all part of a progression

that leads to children.

For women in reproductive age, time is an investment for which

they seek a return.

That makes women much more practical and pragmatic than men.
They have a bigger sense of urgency and, contrary to men, they are
on a mission.
That gives them much more strength and power in pushing through
their requests and demands and they are more prepared than men
are to jet if they don’t get what they want.

Science indeed shows that, on average, men are more romantic than
women, fall in love quicker and stay in love for longer after a breakup.
Women instead are eminently more practical.

Here is one example of a progression that many women are after:

1. Start dating
2. Sex
3. Serious relationship
4. Children-tests (“look how cute those babies”, “do you like babies”…
)
5. Engagement
6. Children talk
7. Marriage
8. Children

The more a man gets stuck in one level without getting to the next, the
more she gets antsy.
The antsier she gets, the more she’s ready to start threatening and,
eventually, preparing her exit plan.
This is why in the dating module we said that great sex gives him
initial leverage but it won’t last for long: because women still need to
see the progression.
And the more that progression delays, the more it becomes important
while all the rest becomes comparatively less important.

Once she’s gone, she will rarely take him if he doesn’t provide what he
failed to provide (a few women with fewer options do get him back on
verbal promises and then delude themselves, but the smart ones seek
practical proofs).

After Breakup: She Has More Power

Sometimes women will threaten and push to get what they want.

If men resist, women will sometimes cave in and drop their

demands… Initially. That leads men in the false belief that they’re
safe.

However, most women will eventually move on if they don’t get the
progression they need or be very unhappy in the relationship.

And once she finally goes, she’s gone. Men are left wondering what
the hell happened. They often romanticize about her and will try to get
her back.

Even men who were being total jerks and seemingly very indifferent to
the relationship often find themselves pining over their exes.

But women being more practical and on a stricter timeline than him,
they have a stronger resolve in going through the pain and moving on.
If they are talking about getting back together again, she can then
demand that it’s either on her terms, or it’s goodbye forever.

And that’s why many marriages quickly follow suit after a breakup.

She Has Power of Options

For most men dating is hard.

It’s up to them to make the move and make things happen.

Having a girlfriend is comfortable in comparison: they can finally stop

getting rejected, and having to go out looking for a mate while getting
their ego kicked in the sand.

Women instead receive bids and only need to screen them in or out.
Sure it can be tiring for women too as most men aren’t going to be
who they dream of and those whom they pine over aren’t going to be
easy to catch.

But overall, it’s easier being a single woman than an (average) single
man.

That, again, gives women an advantage both before getting serious

and after a breakup: the broader availability of options women
them less afraid of getting back out there.

Power Personalities
Power dynamics also change depending on the personalities of the
partners.
Some people need to have control over their women.
And some women tend to mistake the initial dominance of abusive
men for more positive expressions of power. And then they have
difficulties getting out of what become toxic relationships.

Higher quality women, having more options, tend to avoid and get out
of toxic relationships much more easily.

Here are some examples of power-addicts:

Power Hungry

Power hungry individuals need to win at everything.

Sometimes the traits of “unealthy” approaches to power can be seen

in seemingly unconnected quirks.
For example, lusting after virgins, the need to always “punish” bad
behavior, or always putting in the last word.

With truly power-hungry men it’s either she becomes a toy without an
opinion, or she will likely grow to resent him and act passive-
aggressive.

I suspect that the relationship Trump-Melania is of the latter category.

https://youtu.be/aHnSSZesoB0

Melania does not act like a woman who is either in love or who
admires her husband.
Abusive Men

There are several types of abusive men, and all of them entail the
need for some type of control over her. And there is a rather
pronounced overlap between power-hungry and abusive.

Insecure Men

They have a huge need to have their partner below them to feel good
about themselves.

Their self-esteem, contrary to what most people think, is often high.

It’s high, but also particularly fragile and to defend their ego they
engage in daily put-downs and sarcasm.
Since this is a rather common phenomenon we will analyze it later.

Changing Power Rules: The Game

Most of the dating advice focuses on shifting the most common
patterns of power described above.

Women dating advice tells women to get as much investment as

possible in the beginning to ensure he will stick around after sex.
Some go as far as telling women to get official relationship
status before sex.

During the relationship, some female dating authors recommend she

never makes him feel like he “has” her or he might lose interest.
Studies from Gottman back the common sense that this is bad advice
for the relationship (more on it later).

Dating advice for men is often centered on not over-investing early

and pretending he has lots of options to force her to drop her
demands.
Often these types of advice are a sort of game chicken.
They can help, but they must be applied with good emotional
intelligence depending on the situation. General rules of thumb can
help as easily as they can backfire. And they can also make both
genders lose out on an otherwise good relationship.

Women Love Power, Men Submission

Sometimes you hear women, sounding bitter and angry, complaining
that men only want stupid women.

And sometimes you see some nice guys, sounding bitter and angry,
saying that women only want “assholes”.

Are they right?

Of course, it’s more complex than that, but there is a backdrop of truth
for each.

As we’ve seen, people always prefer partners who are “better” and
“more” than they are. Especially women.
This includes dominance, and that’s one of the reasons why women
prefer an asshole over a submissive nice guy.

On the other hand, men, in fear of looking like wusses, say they like
women who are smarter than they are and that they are OK with very
independent women.

But albeit they seek more attractive women, they prefer women who
are slightly less than they are in all other realms.
Less in what, exactly?
In the traits that are most crucial for relationship control: less smart,
less dominant, less rich and, of course, less physically big.
So it’s not true that (most) men want stupid women, but it’s true that
they do like women who are less smart and less dominant than they
are.
So a super intelligent man is not likely to want a stupid woman: he
wants a smart woman. Just not as smart as he is.

As we mentioned previously, it’s not just an ego thing, but it might be

related to the fact that more dominant women are less likely to stay
with him and more likely to cheat.

Women’s Submission Depends On The Man

Finally, relationship dynamics influence personalities as well.

Strong and independent women become more feminine with a more

dominant man.
They might still keep a tough exterior if they are go-getters and high
flyers in their job, but they’ll (happily) turn more submissive at home.

While women who are partnered with more submissive men might act
more dominant at home than they do outside of the household.