Bonzi:

Hello everyone and welcome to another Bonzibuddy Reviews episode, and

today we will be reviewing the supposed followup and by that I mean the
ONLY followup to Cool Cat TGs the Kids, Cool Cat Saves the Kids. Oh
what a delightfully misleading title, I am so sure he is totally not going to
save anything, not even his own ass. Yeah, this author had a recurring gag
of using this character and even dedicated a whole story to him but is it
worth it? I don’t think so. I mean why bring back a character that was used
in an April Fools story for the purpose of another one? I don’t understand
why these fics are so popular, look I know what trollfics are and how they
are fics that you aren’t supposed to take seriously but I cannot find any
humor in these types of fics. I already have addressed the issues with this
author’s fics, way too many pop culture jokes that are just in there for no
reason…’Hey look it’s Robocop and Optimus Prime?’ yes, I see them.
‘They’re from franchises you should be reviewing instead of this fic!’ Ugh, I
cannot stand that kind of ‘Hey, remember Alf? He’s back in this story, he
has no purpose, he’s just there for no reason.’ Yes, I grew up with Married
With Children, Alf, V, Cheers, Seinfeld and the like, I know those shows but
references alone are NOT jokes. So let’s go ape as we review ‘Cool Cat
Saves The Kids’

‘Several female models sat defiantly on a bench with camera flashes off-
screen. The camera panned over the group while a narrator started to
speak. For the hottest look, you don't need to go to Paris, Milan or even
Seoul.” The shot shifted to showing the model hogging ALL of the attention
has an inkling-style makeup application. “Freshness is the key to beauty
and that never fades.” After a flash, the model has seemingly transformed
into Callie. “Introducing Calmar by Maybell-Ink New Haven for the squid in
all of us.’ Okay I am confused, what’s with the fake commercial before the
actual story? Is this to make us think this is a real television show in
universe? Also I don’t remember switching to the fashion channel. Even if
I did what on earth does this have to do with the story.

‘Enough with the shapeshifting sellouts!” A man spat in disgust in

response to the television ad in the local dive bar. “Why are they ALL
fictional characters tied to brands?” He took a swig from his no-name
domestic IPA. “I’ve never seen one of them ACTUALLY handle street-level
issues because they’re all too busy making MORE shifters or fighting
against aliens. Who’s with me?” The other bar patrons all moved over an
additional stool-length. “Whatever. The corporations will make your kids
into products.’ So we finally get a proper introduction to the story and it
begins with this guy ranting about that weird Inkling fashion commercial.
Okay, what does Splatoon have to do with this story? Apart from the fact
the author used to like putting in Splatoon elements in her fics.

You know what…the intro needs fixing, let me fix it! Here’s my much better
version…in a distant universe that isn’t too far from our own, there lived a
purple gorilla reviewer named Bonzi who had been summoned by the
almighty producers to tackle a story! But the story the producers hired
Bonzi to do was a terrible one and Bonzi did not want to do so but they
threatened that they would call the network and have the network cancel
the show, so he reluctantly complied. He dealt with an evil tyrant named
Daddy Derek and his bastard creation, Cool Cat and he had won, but
another Cool Cat fic had been spawned and he had been hired again to
slay that fic. And so, now he had to slay this fic and put that demonic feline
to justice forever. And that’s how I got here! The almighty producers gave
me this show as a redemption for my previous bad deeds and I have all
sorts of powers.

So we get our introduction and it’s rather lackluster and we get a bunch of
people telling the main character off for no reason, and it makes me sick.
‘Davis, haven’t we talked about your behavior before?” A female bartender
in a plaid button-up shirt approached the man from the business side of the
bar counter. “I already had to convince the owner to let you drink here.’
And hasn’t anyone told you not to tell others how to behave, miss
bartender? Do your own job, you idiot. ‘Sup, Mary-Jean.” Davis finished
the beer in a final chug. “How is it being one of the few people with an
honest job? I give you money, you give me beer and the cycle repeats.
There isn’t some octopus turning me into a Muppet for being TOO REAL.”
He slammed a $20 bill onto the counter. “Keep them coming like Guitar
Hero games from 2008 to 2010.’ Woah, a pop culture reference, how
totally unexpected. Aaaw come on, you knew that this would happen. Even
without any product placement, this author still shoe-horns in pop culture
jokes.

‘Mary-Jean checked the refrigerator to find no more of Davis’s specialty

beer. “We’re fresh out and can’t restock until two-days from now at the
earliest.” She tapped on a homebrewed Dash button to lock in the order.
“I’ll text you once we’re restocked, but leave if you plan to harass the other
employees.” She pushed Davis’s $20 bill back to him. “That ‘lingering sale’
obligation trick won’t work on me again.’ In other words: Sorry I cannot be
more useful in this scene but this is just the very start of a really bad
transformation fic and you probably will not be seeing me in the rest of this
story because I am a character who contributes nothing to the story in
general so I am just going to scold you for being a dickhead and never
been seen again after this!

‘You didn’t need to order from Amazon in front of me.” Davis pocketed the
money and turned to leave. “If the corporations can deliver anything to the
middle of nowhere in North Dakota, then they’ve already won. You’re all
sheep to the slaughter, man!” The people in the bar old enough to have
actually lived through the 1960’s laughed at the 30-something’s attempt to
act like a flower child. “Forget this, you’re all beneath me.” He stormed out
with his fists pointed towards the ground.’ So after this stupid conversation
ends, and thank goodness because we NEVER see this character
afterwards. So in case you're wondering if Mary Jean will be a recurring
character in the story, no she will not. ‘What’s his problem?’ A woman at the
far end of the bar asked. Mind your own business, you nosy bitch. Let the
man have his opinions!

‘Mary-Jean wiped the counter clean. “You’ve seen the person in the
various mascot outfits advertising things by the main road, right?” The other
woman nodded. “Davis is that guy. He was so ‘off the grid’ that no other gig
would hire him.’ So we get a bunch of exposition towards the character.
‘He’s not going to pull a Joker, right?’ Get it? Because he’s a failed
entertainer like Arthur Fleck from the 2019 Joker movie? Get it? He’s like
the Joker, you are supposed to get the joke and laugh at it! ‘That comment
says a lot about our society.” Mary-Jean pulled an AA-12 shotgun from
behind the counter. “He’s terrified of guns and everyone else is packing.”
She returned the weapon to its storage compartment. “We’ll be fine.’ Get
it? She referenced the ‘we live in a society’ meme! Get it? She said the
line, get it? Get it? Come on damn it, laugh! Laugh at this totally clever and
not all lazy joke!

‘All it can take is one bad day to ruin someone. I hope that today isn’t that
type of day.’ Yeah I was hoping to review something good yet my
producers insisted on me reviewing this instead. Werebelushi In Shades
owes me for this. So after Mary Jean sods off because she either has
realized she has no purpose in the story other than to provide exposition
and to just stand around and be a worthless character or she just read the
script and said ‘Screw this! I am not getting paid enough to be in a crappy
Cool Cat fanfic! Look, from this part of the story onward I am officially gone.
You can do it without me!’ and yes I would definitely say the same thing if I
was her. Because from the beginning I just knew this would be worse than
the last fic I reviewed.

‘Davis saw three cars on the road and gasped in horror at the realization he
was missing PEAK afternoon traffic. “Of course there is a 3:00 PM surge.”
He ran into an alley with a rental garage, pressed a button on a garage
door opener and tried to determine which local business he should
prioritize. “No one says I CAN’T use both hands.” Thinking quickly, Davis
pulled on a generic orange bodysuit from Gus’s Garage and Import
Servicing, the paws accessories for Fido’s Pet Store [with its SINGULAR
available pet at any given time] and the WILDCAT head from PSYCHO-
KAT’s MURDER BURGER and Salad Outlet. “Corporations get unfair
advantages, so I’ll bill ALL my clients for this.” He strapped one of the arrow
signs to his chest and took the others in his hands. “Time to shill to pay the
bills.” The hodgepodge mascot waddled towards the road.’ Okay so we get
this scene of Davis, our protagonist trying on an orange costume, spoiler
alert: It’s Cool Cat’s costume and he is going to be forcibly transformed into
him later on in this story. There, I just gave away what is going to happen.

‘Meanwhile, a Prius carrying three TEENAGER INFLUENCERS drove

down the road at a menacingly high speed of 35 miles per hour in a 25
zone. The driver caught a reflection of Davis in-costume in the rear view
mirror. “Woah, dudes and dudettes! I think we’ve found North Dakota’s only
furry!” The vehicle stopped suddenly because the vehicle was running from
the battery. “Let’s go record some Tiktoks for FIRE levels of cringe.’ This
paragraph has been brought to you by Tiktok. Author, do you mind if I
speak to you for a bit? Nobody likes ads, nobody is ever excited to see
ads. I don’t want to see what is essentially an advertisement for Tiktok in a
story

‘Isn’t that mean, Moonunit?” The girl in the passenger seat with a crop
circle-themed hairstyle quickly drew on eyebrows to demonstrate her
concern. “For all we know, that’s the mayor.” Everyone in the vehicle
laughed. “Totes, let’s throw some money at them and pretend they’re a real
animal. It will be HI-LAR-IOUS.’ Moonunit, seriously? You named the
female character after Moonunit Zappa? Is that the joke, like is that
seriously the joke? Seriously is there more to the joke or did you just name
her that for a pop culture joke. Also oh great, these idiots behave like
Disney adults. Also Davis is the mayor?

‘Davis saw a crowd of three people approaching him from the parked
car. If he confirmed referrals from ALL of them, that would cover his
advertising quota for the whole month! “I see that you are interested in auto
repair, pet supplies AND food. Would you at all be interested in bat
insurance?” The tallest of the visitors took a position next to Davis in prime
selfie pose. “Woah, I didn’t think that my tactics were that effective.” He
pulled a selection of fliers from an internal pouch. “You’re the most
interested people in years!’ So apparently after frolicking around like an
idiot, Davis very much is considered an icon and for some reason gets
photos taken with him. ‘Dude, this guy is amazing.” The tallest visitor
shared the photo he took. “I thought that opiods and meth killed all of you
off.’ Hey! People with jobs still exist, you moron, what kind of world is this
crazy made up universe from anyway? A world where people with paying
jobs don’t exist? ‘Davis could see the very insulting hashtags that had
been used. “You ACTUALLY think we want to buy your backwater
garbage?” The visitor punched Davis in the gut. “Hurry up and die, boomer!’
Listen here, scumbag, I was the star of 2000s era internet and I was an
icon, and I am glad that the modern generation recognizes me as an icon,
be respectful for other generations or else.

Oh good lord, anti-boomer bullshit. Look I know that people who act like
their generation was better than ours suck and tend to be all high and
mighty but come on, this type of negative attitude towards older people is
cliched and horrible, stop this. ‘Yeah, we’re the future now.” The female
visitor hit a vape. “Carbon neutral means no human trash like you or this
dumb town.” She did a long-drag on the electronic cigarette. “This place
would be great as an Amazon warehouse or a Whole Foods distribution
center.’ So we get a bunch of generation z lingo and anti-boomer bullshit
and I couldn’t care less. Look, I came from the early 2000s where things
like robot pets, virtual pets, flash games, and of course the debut of some
of the best modern game consoles ever and i’m offended by how boomers
are portrayed in this.

;Davis reeled back in shock at the words coming from these cultural
raiders. He wasn’t THAT removed from them in age, right? Out of
desperation, he removed the mascot head to look the visitors in the eyes.
“Woah, why are you acting like such sellouts? We gotta stay local to keep
the corporations out. If it is about college costs, just make sure to get the
loans in the name of an older relative OR declare bankruptcy as a
corporation. You don’t need their money.” The visitors only laughed even
harder at the speech. ‘Did you all take tainted kush?’ Oh how delightful, we
get an anti-corporation message. It feels like this whole fic is just an
excuse to preach about how evil people who make money supposedly are.
Because how dare someone earn money to make a living! ;Every
generation has its burnouts. You actually believed that whole spiel and took
it to heart? Pathetic.” Moonunit mocked Davis further. “You’re the last
generation that can remember the world pre-internet, but does that even
matter? Much like the best horse-drawn buggy maker after cars were
introduced, innovation has made you obsolete and pointless.’ Translation:
We are Gen Z stereotypes who only exist to move the plot along, we have
no purpose and are just here to talk like typical Gen Z teenagers and
influencers and we make fun of people who are older than us because that
is our sole characteristic! We get it, you hate people who make money and
earn it to make a living, you think that businesses are evil, you think that
boomers suck, so what…everyone else does too, that doesn’t make you
special.

Look I am a character who originally debuted in 1999 as ‘Peedy’ a talking

green parrot but after my image got a redo, I well became the Bonzi you
see before you. I was alive to see the early 2000’s and everyone
remembers me. And then several years later after the software I originally
was connected to got taken down due to spyware, I was brought back by
Vinesauce and made into a meme icon! And now I am here with my own
review show. Werebelushi In Shades hooked me up with his team of
producers and gave me this show and now I am a reviewer. And yet I get
offended when I see the whole anti-boomer movement.. ‘He pulled out an
Amazon Basics taser with what appeared to be a hoverboard battery
attached. “What happens next is up to fate.” Moonunit pulled the trigger,
prompting the probes to attach to Davis’s face. A single jolt was all it took to
bring Davis down to the ground.’ ‘What are we going to do with him now?”
The tallest visitor kicked Davis’s body. “There are no cameras around,
chief.’ How about fuck off and leave the poor man alone? You clearly have
no purpose in this fic other to be annoying. Just leave the man alone
because you have outlived your usefulness.

‘Do you remember that chemical dumping site we saw, Beefcord?”

Moonunit put the mascot head back over Davis’s head. “I read an article
claiming that some of the toxic shapeshifter waste was dumped in remote
locations and that place fits the bill. Throw this guy in the trunk so we can
go sustainably recycle him.” Beefcord lifted up Davis’s paralyzed body after
a bit of position adjustment. Moonunit backed the car up and let Beefcord
dump the body in the trunk. Moonunit turned the car around to drive back
the way they came.’ Oh, so they’re going to take this poor paralyzed man
and they are going to pull an FNAF on and stuff him in a mascot costume.
Ick, I hate suiting, I hate suiting as a transformation method, it is not even a
transformation. ‘Davis heard muttering and the sound of the trunk
reopening some time later. The mascot head had been put on backwards
to amplify disorientation. The sensation of being dragged caused Davis to
kick and scream in vain. Another zap from the taser put an end to his
resistance.’ I want to kill these people, I want them to die in a horrible
fashion. Even if it means I am going to have to do it myself, I hate these
zoomers, these zoomers are assholes.

‘Moonunit lifted a lid off of a barrel of waste covered in redacted

markings apart from a ‘NV’ marking. “This looks dangerous enough.” The
contents within the barrel were a mix of orange and purple oozing bubbling
without any indicator of a heating element. “Chuck the cat, Beefcord!”
Moonunit stepped back to a safe distance in the event of the waste
spraying out.’ Oh no..it’s Nickelodeon slime! Put your shoes on just in case
Dan Schneider shows up! Hey, it’s a relevant joke considering the
documentary came out last month

‘Davis fell face first into the barrel of molten chemical waste. The
bodysuit was ineffective at keeping the ooze from immediately hitting his
skin. His muffled screams echoed in vain against the chorus of teenager
laughter. It felt as though Davis’s very cells were in a state between melting
and burning. The orange material from the burnt costume formed a skin on
the top of the barrel to further obscure the horror within. Beefcord pushed
down Davis’s exposed legs into the barrel to ensure there was no evidence
left. A foul stench lingered reeking of burnt synthetic materials, skin and
hair. Despite all of this, Davis was still somehow aware once the pain
stopped. How?;

Excuse me…but how is a costume supposed to be easily destroyed by

ooze yet alone form a skin? Is the costume a symbiote? Are we ripping off
Marvel now? Oh boy, I cannot wait for….’Cool Cat Gets A Lawsuit From
Marvel’! ‘Rest in pesticide.” Moonunit crotch chopped towards Davis’s
apparent grave. “Let’s head back into town to make absolutely sure no one
saw us.’ Oh but I saw you, and I know what you all did and well let’s just
say I want you all dead. ‘Ahem.” The female did a ‘breast chop’ motion
before tossing a lit match into the barrel. The contents ignited instantly in a
brilliant blue flame. “Now we can go.” The teens left without remorse
because they knew there were dozens of additional waste barrels waiting
for possible ‘witnesses’. A figure cloaked in the shadows watched the
hennas act, yet knew to wait until the teens were gone to act.’ Good, hope
you assholes get arrested for your crimes, stupid zoomer characters not
doing anything useful.

So what did those guys contribute to this tale? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
And so we get our introduction to the main antagonist, Neil Breen. Yes, the
director of Twisted Pair, why? Hell if I know, the author probably just
wanted another bad pop culture joke in there and well since Cool Cat is a
bad character from a bad movie, having the director of another bad movie
surely must make for a funny gag, right? ‘I have seen the actions of the
youth and they far out-weigh the sins of the fathers.” Neil Breen stepped
into the light to make his presence fully known. “I was on a pass through,
but I am here now.’ He walked to the barrel containing Davis’s remains. “I
feel your spirit… your pain. You will have your revenge, I guarantee.” Neil
Breen adjusted his jean vest to signify that he was about to double down.’
There is no way you can make this idiot effective as a villain, not only does
he not make sense as a villain, ‘but Neil Breen directed bad movies, Cool
Cat Saves the Kids Is A Bad Movie, get it?’ What is there to get about this
scene exactly apart from the fact it’s a giant glorified cameo? It’s like if I
parodied nature gone wrong movies by having a cameo from the creator of
Godzilla in a scene that parodies Jurassic Park. ‘Because get it, this guy
created a scaly monster movie franchise and this is a movie that is
referencing a movie about scaly prehistoric creatures, get it? ‘This fateful
finding is deliberate, new friend.” Neil Breen placed a magical gem,
TOTALLY not a novelty item from a Spencer’s Gifts, onto the lid. “Be born
anew, fallen phoenix. Rise again to ensure our twisted pair can make our
own justice.’ Oh how I wish that the transformation we will be getting
would be into something badass and awesome like a powerful muscular
demon, an anthropomorphic unicorn warrior, a freaking cybernetic beast-
man with 4 arms, or heck even a gorilla like me, but be warned it’s going to
suck. ‘Davis felt something in him that had long since gone dormant:
passion. Could he really push himself to crawl back from being a pile of
sentient goo? Visualizing his old form proved to be impossible to him. What
he saw in his consciousness’s eye was some silly looking orange cat
mascot. Breen, sensing the confusion, spoke again.’ Eeeew, if I saw Cool
Cat as the first thing in my mind after waking up from being paralyzed
briefly i’d beg to be back to being paralyzed again, because who wants to
imagine THAT freak looking like that? Sarcastically because all it takes for
someone to learn compassion is to be paralyzed, stuffed in a mascot suit
and covered in mutagenic ooze, that’s how it totally works. ‘This world is
confused and needing a guardian for the fundamentals so easily
overlooked. The prior holder of this title needed to suffer to learn maturity
as someone else. You’ve suffered enough and we need that title to return.’
‘He pulled out a Polaroid photo of him giving Kenny Omega, Ana Amari,
Ruby Rose and Peridot their stands before the Battle for Area 51. “The
prior Cool Cat wasn’t ready for my full blessing.’ There was another Cool
Cat prior to this? But I killed off that one last time, you cannot act like I did
not do such a thing. Because as far as I know, I slayed him. He cannot
comeback. ‘Cool Cat?” Davis pulsated pure confusion. If he could become
anything, why was he going to be limited to an absurd children’s mascot?
Davis screamed in his mind to form a telekinetic link with Breen. “Why?
Can’t you make me Blue Beetle or Moon Knight?” Davis’s awareness
separated from the barrel to grant temporary astral projection. He looked
down at ‘himself’ to see nothing. “Who am I? What am I?” He asked Breen
in a state of shock.’ Yes, i’d rather be watching Moon Knight or Blue
Beetle instead of watching this shit. But hey, the producers like seeing me
suffer. ‘Hey look it’s other random characters!’, Yes I DO see Peridot and
Kenny Omega and Ruby Rose and Ana, what do they have to do with this
story though? Oh you are not going to include those in the story and are
just going to mention them as something that happened including a battle
which likely we will never find out about? Typical. Also hey, leave Jojo’s
Bizarre Adventure out of this! That is my personal favorite manga and
anime (ani-may) and if you dare ruin this I shall have your head on a stick,
Vlad the Impaler style!

I agree why on earth would he want to take on the form of that stupid
bastard cat when there are so many cool characters to morph into, why not
ask to be Robocop? Or Blade? Or Han Solo? As for what you are, you’re
an annoying mascot who is the creation of a hypocrite! Also all this
sequence makes me want to do is watch Terminator 2. And that movie is
one of the most awesome sequels ever made and one of the best sci fi
films ever! Can we please watch that instead of this fic? Please? Oh
please oh please can we please watch that movie? I beg you. ‘Such
emotion is what keeps humans from understanding true AI… Artificial
Intelligence.” Breen waved his hand to grant Davis’s astral projected form a
humanoid shape. ‘Reality is a construct that we only agree to. You can be
anyone or anything you want to be.’ Davis cycled through a few 1920’s
actors to test the limits. ‘That said, I must insist you take up the mantle of
Cool Cat in your flesh. A storm is coming that will need him and all of the
other threads.’ So if he can be anyone and anything why limit him to just
being that bastard known as Cool Cat? Look, the original Cool Cat as far
as I know is dead, I slayed him, he is gone, there is no need to find a
replacement, you can give him a better I’m not going to be a thread in your
dumb cinematic universe!’ Davis’s projection took the shape of Tom Cruise’.
Ha ha, get it? He turned into Tom Cruise because Tom Cruise made bad
movies and this is a fanfic about bad movies, get it? Yeah, he has made
some bad movies, but it’s still not a funny joke, lots of actors make bad
movies. Oh I get it, you’re making a joke about the Mummy 2017, I get it,
ha ha. Yeah we know, the Mummy 2017 was a stinker but Cruise was not
the reason it stank, oh no, the reason why it stank was that it was trying to
be Marvel! And once again this just proves why these fics suck, the jokes
are just references but and that’s it, like what does Tom Cruise have in
common with Neil Breen? Breen’s a bad director who makes bad movies,
Cruise is an actor who sometimes does bad movies but mostly makes good
movies, they have nothing in common.
‘See? I can use his merchandise portrayal contract to tank ALL
merchandise sales.” Breen seemed bemused at this tantrum. “What’s so
funny? I’m being serious!’ Oh puhlease if you really wanted to tank
merchandise sales you should have just turned into the 1998 version of
Godzilla or one of the Food Fight characters! Honestly the Tom Cruise joke
didn’t make sense, it was just as lazy as that Danny Devito as Pikachu
cameo in ‘Transformation Allstars to the Rescue’ yes…I love Danny Devito
and if there ever was a Bonzibuddy movie, he would definitely be the best
choice to voice yours truly! But come on, that story was already a lazy
parody of a bad tv special.

‘I convince you to go along with my plan regardless of what you say

otherwise.’ Breen opened a can of tuna. “I am inevitable while you are,
lacking a better term, like this tuna’ Are you going to caramelize into the
irrelevant waste that others see you as or will you stand and fight?’ In other
words: ‘You will do as I say because I am the boss of you now because I
am the villain of this story despite clearly acting like I have no ill intentions
and I plan to take over the world using the essence of the annoying cat
mascot that is in this story, because this story needs a villain and that villain
is me!’ Breen threw the lid from the tuna can onto the ground. “If you can’t
stop one piece of litter, how can you stop the company making the product?
Go on, bitch. Make me pick that up.’ In other words: ‘I am demonstrating
how evil I am as a villain by littering, see how evil I am, I am littering. Aren’t
you afraid of me? I’m evil damn it, fear me!’ ‘Davis found that it was
impossible for him to interact with physical objects in his projected form.’
Okay, please explain how a projected form works? Is it like a ghost? Is it a
hologram? Or online avatar? If projected forms can be any form you want,
why does Breen want him to be Cool Cat of all forms to morph into instead
of something that is you know, actually good? I have killed Cool Cat, I
defeated him, I slayed him and brought him to justice, you can’t just tell me
there was another because there was only one and I killed him, this doesn’t
make a lick of sense. ‘Breen’s words struck truer than Davis wanted to
admit. What good was Davis if he wasted this chance to potentially make a
difference? It wasn’t as though any of the X-Men got to choose their
powers… unless you get into the semantics of Weapon X.’ Technically, the
X-Men were born with their powers. Did the author not know about how
that works in the first place? Has she not read a single X-Men comic? ‘Still,
why did he need to be such a powerless character? ‘I can’t make you do
anything in this form.’ Yeah, I agree Cool Cat is a LAME character to turn
into for a transformation form it would be way cooler if he turned into
Betelgeuse, Jack Burton, Ash Williams, Blade or even into freaking Donkey
Kong! ‘You’re beginning to understand.” Breen knocked on the barrel. “The
pep talk is over. It’s time to make your choice.” He severed the connection
to force Davis to make a decision.’ In other words: I am done making a
pointless villain monologue which is something that is considered a big
mistake because the hero always kicks the villain’s ass every time and now
I am going to force you to comply or else, make your choice or I will kill you!
‘Davis knew what he had to do. Maybe accepting this responsibility now
would leave the door open for actual power later in the same vein as
Magikarp.’ Hey, Magikarp isn’t useless, he can become pretty powerful
once he turns into Gyrados! ‘He was going to be the Cool Cat that the
world needed instead of the one it deserved.’ Nobody asked for Cool Cat
to come back, I killed him, this is NOT making a lick of sense. ‘Davis
focused hard on willing his gelatinous form to have form once again.
Slowly, Davis gained control of the ooze with a crude nervous system.
Crude hands formed near the lid to give Davis a way to pull himself up. The
pulsating orange mass of ooze formed crude black eyes to see the physical
world once again. He rolled forward to tip the barrel over.’ So what kind of
creature is he exactly? A ghost? A slime-monster? A transdimensional
body-shifter? I need answers and I am not doing the ‘internet tough guy’
schtick.

‘Davis exerted all of his will to form a pair of legs and arms. On immediate
inspection, the new limbs lacked form beyond the most basic mascot-like
shapes. Davis stood up on uneasy legs to find that he now stood at nearly
the same height as Breen.’ Do we ever know how tall the actual Cool Cat
(as in the original not this version) was? All I know is that he is an
abomination from another world that appears to be an obnoxious bastard
cat mascot but is actually an alien that feeds on the souls of children. ‘Yes,
you’re evolving into a better self.” Breen walked around Davis to observe
the progress. “Keep pushing to bring out the tiger in you.’ Stock footage of
a tiger materialized behind Breen to motivate Davis. How is becoming Cool
Cat a better form? Surely turning into a mutant alien with 4 arms and
superstrength would be way cooler and less stupid. I mean if I could
transform into an ideal form I would be a character that is badass and cool
and you call that motivation? I wish Breen was dead.’Be without fear and
you will never need more courage than what you already have inside you.”
Breen held his hand up to the tiger stock footage. ‘A very important man
once said that and I’d know because it was me and I just said it.’ Breen
must be an egotistical son of a bitch if he thinks he said that. All the more
reason for me to hate him.

Oh how this makes me wish Davis was going to turn into a cool badass
werecat or cat-monster in general. This makes me wish I was watching the
original Thundercats instead of this ‘Davis locked eyes with the tiger stock
footage in order to TRULY see a tiger for the first time. Yes, it all made
sense now! Cool Cat could be whatever he willed it to be!” Davis’s hearing
returned thanks to the growth of feline ears atop his head.’ This whole
sequence sucks but it only sucks because it’s of someone turning into
Cool Cat, I mean it has an awesome cat tf sequence and its wasted
on a tf into freaking Cool Cat? Come on, can’t you not screw up a
transformation sequence just this once? Look, the Peridot tf was
awful enough because it was a needlessly painful sequence in an
awful fic, but at least it was into a character from a show I’d rather be
watching instead of this. ‘A slight snout extended out to enhance the
feline look while orange fringes along the side of his face completed
that part of the look. Excess ooze from the barrel consolidated into a
tail that positioned where the base of the spine would be.’ You do
know that the tail on a cat or on any animal extends from the rear end,
right? Author, may I talk to you? You clearly need lessons in anatomy
if you think a tail would grow from the base of the spine. ‘In a final
burst of raw energy, Davis willed a mouth into existence that, due to
limitations, remained open the whole time. A guttural scream erupted
changing from the noise of death itself to a higher-pitch children’s
character voice. “What the? Why is my voice like this now?’ Because
unfortunately Cool Cat has the worst voice in the history of voices
even more so than Fred Figglehorn. Yeah, I wish this character tf
wasn’t into Cool Cat, I mean if Cool Cat had the voice of Peter Cullen
or James Earl Jones and was actually a badass muscular tiger-man
instead of this wimpy mascot i’d totally like it a lot more. ‘You must
sound like Cool Cat to carry the mantle. What really matters is in here…” Breen’s
right index finger lit up to show that he was pointing to where a human heart
would be.’ Breen has no heart and neither does Cool Cat, Daddy Derek is a
bastard with no heart and no soul. ‘To truly be Cool Cat, you must FEEL it.’ The
only thing I am feeling right now is rage, disgust, agony and utter disdain of
someone who deserves it.

‘Why resurrect me at all if I have no abilities?” Davis now had felt eyebrows for
added emotion. “I’m just an overgrown kid!’ Yeah, it’s a sucky character to turn
into, it’s the most disgustingly cursed form imaginable. Couldn’t you have picked
a cooler form? You know if I wrote this story I would rather him animorphing into
a freaking badass armored samurai gorilla. Then I would kill Breen and have it so
all the events in this story and other stories never happened and that Davis was
mistaken for another person.

“Exactly! Through your struggles, the children will learn from your example.
We’ll make that first lesson be on the importance of dressing appropriately.”
Another wave of Breen’s hand summoned a black shirt with ‘COOL CAT’ lettered
on it in yellow onto Davis’s body along with jhorts to cover for the nonexistent
genitalia. Are you really surprised to know that Cool Cat is a eunuch?’ No, but
nobody asked if a children’s mascot who clearly does not have any visible male
private parts to begin with was circumcised or not, we did not need to know this,
show, don’t tell. Did anyone ask to see what Cool Cat’s privates looked like even
though he has none? Nope, nobody did.’ ‘Approachability is key to helping
children. Davis’s ooze-laden body was finalized in a form with fuzzy skin that
covered warm circulating ooze meant to replicate the human body temperature. ‘
There is nothing approachable about Cool Cat, if that freak ever approaches you,
run! “Are you ready, my friend?’ If by ready, you mean ready to kill you, yes I am!
 ‘Golly! How will I be able to help kids knowing that the people who bullied me
are still out there?” Davis’s actual rant was translated into more appropriate
language. “Will we be able to tell my parents and teachers about them?’ Okay,
so how did turning into Cool Cat alter his language to sound like he was an
overly kiddy friendly mascot? There probably isn’t going to be an answer to this
because spoiler alert…this fic is the ONLY time we will ever see Cool Cat again,
because in Effigy of Agony part 3, act 3…Cool Cat gets killed off. ‘Kids are cruel,
Cool Cat.” Breen presented Cool Cat with a metal baseball bat. “I will not deny
you revenge, friend.’

Davis took hold of the bat in his now massive hands. He did suppose that
having no fingerprints now would make getting revenge much easier. Letting a bit
of Cool Cat into his psyche flooded his mind with many twisted ideas. In that
moment he embodied the rage of a child, a housecat AND an eccentric wannabe
media conglomerate. Cool Cat wasn’t a weakness; it was a mask to let out
everything Davis was conditioned to hide. He was Cool Cat and it was time to
boogie woogie his way to revenge. “I think I get it now. Did you see where those
bullies went?” Cool Cat noticed the can lid on the ground. “You shouldn’t litter! It
hurts the planet!’ And you shouldn’t be a hypocritical mascot who was created by
a hypocrite but this is a crappy tf fic made by a crappy author so I guess it cannot
be helped. ‘They’re just down the road, Cool Cat. You can get them right now. Go
out and save the town.” Breen whisked away the can lid because the lesson had
been learned.’

And that’s where it ends…yeah, i’m sorry but I am not tackling the other parts of
the story because they’re all awful and I could not stand them, I could not stand
them and yeah…I don’t think they are worth reading, there are too many flaws in
these stories and the author in my opinion is overrated. I keep thinking this is an
April Fools joke even though it was released in March, because no one in there
right mind would want a tf of someone into Cool Cat, and that was Cool Cat
Saves The Town, but if you ask me the town definitely was not in need of saving
but rather my sanity was because this author’s awful fanfics drive me insane.
Look, dear author, if you are indeed reading this, this fic sucks! Why do people
like your crappy stories anyway even if they have no coherent plot or definitive
timeline? If there is a timeline why is it all over the place?
Oh well I guess I will never be able to find out, but how do I say this…this fic was
very awful and I hope the author regrets it. I am Bonzi and you have been
watching Bonzibuddy Reviews, I am Bonzi and I go ape for good quality material!