Emotional Intelligence

Mastery Bible

11 Books in 1

This Book Includes:

Overthinking – Change Your Brain
Declutter Your Mind – Master Your Emotions
Manipulation and Dark Psychology
How to Analyze People - Dark NLP
Dark Psychology Secrets – Persuasion
Empath - Empath Healing

By
William Mind & David Soul
 © Copyright 2020 William Mind & David Soul
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 Table of Contents
DARK PSYCHOLOGY SECRETS & PERSUASION
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 1: DARK PSYCHOLOGY SECRETS
CHAPTER 2: TECHNIQUES USED IN DARK PSYCHOLOGY
HOW IS DARK PSYCHOLOGY USED?
Persuasion
Manipulation
Deception
Hypnosis
BRAINWASHING AND OTHER CONDITIONING TECHNIQUES
Gaslighting
GENERAL APPLICATION OF DARK PSYCHOLOGY
CHAPTER 3: DARK PERSUASION & MANIPULATION
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PERSUASION AND MANIPULATION
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION TACTICS
DARK PERSUASION TACTICS
CHAPTER 4: DECEPTION
LIES!
WHEN DO LIES BECOME DECEPTION?
HOW LIES APPLY IN REAL LIFE
FAMOUS INSTANCES OF DECEPTION
THE ART OF CRAFTING A GOOD LIE
PANTS ON FIRE
CHAPTER 5: MIND CONTROL
THE HISTORY OF MIND CONTROL AND ITS EFFECTS TODAY
WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF MIND CONTROL?
ISOLATION
MOOD SWINGS AND ERRATIC BEHAVIOR
NO COMPROMISES
WHO USES MIND CONTROL? ORGANIZATIONS, HIGH CONTROL GROUPS, AND PEOPLE WE KNOW AND
ENCOUNTER IN EVERYDAY LIFE
CHAPTER 6: BODY LANGUAGE
HOW TO "READ" SOMEONE
COMPARE: HOW DOES THIS PERSON ACT NORMALLY?
CONCERNING THE HANDS: GESTURES MADE WITH THE PALMS DOWN INDICATE POWER AND THE OPPOSITE IS
SUBMISSION.
 BODY LANGUAGE AND NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION
TIPS TO IMPROVE YOUR NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION
WHO ARE THE BEST NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATORS?
THE 7 CHANNELS OF BODY LANGUAGE
CHAPTER 7: NLP
HOW NLP WORKS
THE IMPORTANCE OF NLP
CHAPTER 8: BRAINWASHING
THE DARK PSYCHOLOGY OF BRAINWASHING
THE CONSCIOUS LEVEL
THE UNCONSCIOUS OR BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOLOGY
BIOLOGICAL PSYCHOLOGY
CHAPTER 9: MIND GAMES
ACTIVITY
CHAPTER 10: HYPNOTISM
INDUCTION:
SUGGESTION:
SUSCEPTIBILITY:
APPLICATIONS OF HYPNOSIS
CHAPTER 11: DARK SEDUCTION
SEDUCTION IS TO CONVINCE, OR RATHER TO CORRUPT SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING ONE DESIRES.
SEDUCTION AND THE COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS THE ART OF SEDUCTION BY SOME SCHOLARS IS LOADED WITH
AMBIGUITIES AND OBVIOUS NEGATIONS
FACTORS TO BE CONSIDERED WHILE SEDUCING
INDEPENDENCE
SWITCH THE PHONE OFF
SPONTANEOUS
SENSE OF HUMOR
SEDUCING A MAN
POSTURE
CHAPTER 12: THE DARK PSYCHOLOGY TRIAD
INTRODUCTION TO THE INFAMOUS DARK TRIAD
MACHIAVELLIAN PHILOSOPHY
NARCISSISM
Narcissist Types:
UNDERSTANDING PSYCHOPATHS
CONCLUSION
MANIPULATION AND DARK PSYCHOLOGY
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 13: WHAT IS MANIPULATION IN DARK PSYCHOLOGY?
PERSUASION
MANIPULATION
CONSIDER THIS SITUATION.
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION TECHNIQUES
The Bait and Switch
The Blame Game
Guilt
The White Knight
THE DARK TRIAD
Narcissism
Machiavellianism
Psychopathy
CHAPTER 14: WHAT IS COVERT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION?
SITUATION AND MANIPULATIONS
SOME COMMON COVERT MANIPULATION METHODS
REINFORCEMENT: A CEM STACKED SEQUENCE
REALITY DENIAL
CHAPTER 15: WHAT IS DARK PERSUASION?
DARK PERSUASION TECHNIQUES
CREATE A NEED
APPEALING TO SOCIAL NEEDS
MAKING USE OF LOADED WORDS AND IMAGES
CHAPTER 16: CHARACTER TRAITS OF THE MANIPULATOR
WHY DO PEOPLE MANIPULATE?
DIFFERENT TYPES OF NEGATIVE MANIPULATION:
HOW TO AVOID BEING NEGATIVELY MANIPULATED BY OTHERS:
HOW TO CONFRONT A BULLY IN A SAFE WAY:
A GUIDE TO POSITIVE MANIPULATION (PERSUASION)
WHAT MAKES POSITIVE MANIPULATION ETHICAL?
CHAPTER 17: CHARACTERISTICS OF MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE
THE QUALITIES OF A MANIPULATIVE PERSON
THE BEHAVIORS OF MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE
Reinforcing
Rationalizing
Punishing
Minimizing
Explosiveness
Diverting Issues
 Lying
INTIMIDATION
LYING BY OMISSION
DENIAL
PLAYING THE VICTIM
EXAMPLES OF MANIPULATION
ADVERTISEMENT
AT WORK
IN RELATIONSHIPS
CULTS
CHAPTER 18: THE 4 DARK PSYCHOLOGY TRAITS
THE LONG CON
GRADUALIST
CHAPTER 19: PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION TECHNIQUES
GASLIGHTING
PROJECTION
ISOLATION
POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT
PUNISHMENT
NAGGING
YELLING
SILENT TREATMENT
CHAPTER 20: TYPES OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION?
TYPES OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION
CHARACTERISTICS OF A MANIPULATIVE RELATIONSHIP
SPECIFIC TYPES OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION
CHAPTER 21: PERSUASION WITH NLP METHOD
MODELS OF NEURO-LINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING
Strategies
Memory
Belief
Motivation
Decision
Learning
Sub modalities
ANCHORING
Visual anchors
Auditory anchors
 Kinesthetic anchors
TRANS-DERIVATIONAL SEARCH
LEADING STATEMENTS
TEXTUAL AMBIGUITY
CHAPTER 22: THE MIND CONTROL
BRAINWASHING
WHO USES MIND CONTROL
MEDIA PRODUCERS
LOVERS
SALES PEOPLE
WRITERS
IN EDUCATION
ADVERTISING AND PROPAGANDA
SPORTS, POLITICS, RELIGION
CHAPTER 23: PERSUASION WITH BRAINWASHING
THE FUNDAMENTALS OF BRAINWASHING
CULTS AND BRAINWASHING
CHAPTER 24: HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF
CAUSES OF MANIPULATION
DEALING WITH MANIPULATORS
BASIC FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS
MAINTAIN SOME DISTANCE
NO PERSONALIZATION
CHAPTER 25: BEHAVIORAL TRAITS OF FAVORITE VICTIMS OF MANIPULATORS
EMOTIONAL INSECURITY AND FRAGILITY
SENSITIVE PEOPLE
EMPHATIC PEOPLE
FEAR OF LONELINESS
FEAR OF DISAPPOINTING OTHERS
CONCLUSION
HOW TO ANALYZE PEOPLE
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 26: UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR
USE OF LANGUAGE
INTERPRETATION OF NON-VERBAL CUES
FACIAL EXPRESSION
Frown Lines
Clenched Teeth
BODY LANGUAGE
 Body Posture
Proximity
CHAPTER 27: THE DARK SIDE
1. MACHIAVELLIANISM
2. NARCISSISM
3. PSYCHOPATHY
1. TRUE SOCIOPATHS
2. TRUE NARCISSISTS
3. SELFISH PEOPLE
4. POLITICIANS
5. LAWYERS
6. SALESPEOPLE
7. LEADERS
8. PUBLIC SPEAKERS
1. HIDING INTENTIONS
2. ATTENTION SEEKING
3. GIVING OFF UNNECESSARY EMOTIONS
4. CRYING FOUL AND PLAYING THE VICTIM
5. CLAIMING UNDUE CREDIT
CHAPTER 28: WHY ANALYZE PEOPLE
STUDYING YOURSELF
IMPORTANCE OF UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE
ADVANTAGES OF ANALYZING PEOPLE
CHAPTER 29: BECOMING AN ANALYST
FREE YOUR JUDGMENT
DON’T JUST BASE IT OFF OF BEHAVIOR
CREATE A BASELINE
INFER THINGS FROM THE INITIAL REACTION
ASK POINTED QUESTIONS
CHAPTER 30: DETECTING LIES
HOW TO DETERMINE IF SOMEONE IS LYING
WHY LYING IS DIFFICULT
HOW TO DETECT DECEPTION
STUDY THE BODY LANGUAGE
CHAPTER 31: DANGER SIGNALS
GAME THEORY
THERE ARE MORE ENVIOUS PEOPLE
RECOGNIZING AND INTERACTING WITH EACH TYPE OF PERSONALITY
CHAPTER 32: DETECTING SPECIFIC PERSONALITY
 INTROVERSION VERSUS EXTROVERSION
SENSING VERSUS INTUITION
THINKING VERSUS FEELING
JUDGING VERSUS PERCEIVING
CHAPTER 33: INTERPRETING VERBAL COMMUNICATIONS
PRETEXT COMMUNICATION
CONTEXTUAL COMMUNICATION
SUB-TEXTUAL COMMUNICATION
INTER-TEXTUAL COMMUNICATION
TYPES OF COMMUNICATION BARRIERS
CHAPTER 34: HOW TO UNDERSTAND PERSONALITY TYPES
OPENNESS TO EXPERIENCE
AGREEABLENESS
CONSCIENTIOUSNESS
EXTROVERSION
CHAPTER 35: IMPORTANT OF UNDERSTANDING PERSONALITY TYPES
CHANGE IN SELF-PERCEPTION
LACK OF EMPATHY FOR ANOTHER PERSON
DEPRESSION
CHAPTER 36: MASTERING THE SECRETS OF NONVERBAL
DEFENSIVE ARMS DISPLAY
SELF-HUG
THE TERRITORIAL ARM DISPLAYS
HOW TO SPOT INSECURITY IN THE RICH AND FAMOUS
CHAPTER 37: OUR BODIES AND THE WAY THEY TALK
CROSSED LIMBS
FEET TURNED AWAY
CHAPTER 38: VERBAL VS. NONVERBAL
COMMUNICATION
THE SENDER
THE MESSAGE
ENCODING THE MESSAGE
CHANNELING THE MESSAGE
THE RECEIVER
DECODING THE MESSAGE
FEEDBACK
NOISE
VERBAL COMMUNICATION
NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
CHAPTER 39: TRUTH AND RELATIONSHIPS
THE BEHAVIORAL DELAY OR PAUSE
THE VERBAL OR NON-VERBAL DISCONNECT
HIDING THE EYES OR THE MOUTH
SWALLOWING OR THROAT CLEARING
THE HAND-TO-FACE ACTIONS
CHAPTER 40: VULNERABILITY CUES
THE FLINCH OR WINCE
THEY BACK AWAY FROM YOU
THEIR WORDS AND GESTURES GET FASTER
THEIR LAUGHTER IS NERVOUS
THE TONE OF THEIR VOICE CHANGES
THEY HAVE TROUBLE MAINTAINING THEIR EYE CONTACT
THE ANSWERS THEY GIVE ARE ONLY ONE OR TWO WORDS LONG
THEIR EARS GET RED, OR THEY SCRATCH THEIR NOSE
CONCLUSION
DARK NLP
CHAPTER 41: INTRODUCTION TO NLP MANIPULATION
THE ORIGINS OF DARK NLP
A WILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT
FIND YOUR REASONS
KILL THESE ILLUSIONS
CHAPTER 42: MIND CONTROL WITH NLP FOR LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS
CHOOSE THE RIGHT PERSON
SEND MIXED SIGNALS
CREATE A NEED
FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY
MAKE YOURSELF DESIRABLE
CREATE TEMPTATION
UTILIZE SUSPENSE
BE MYSTERIOUS
SUBTLY MAKE YOURSELF STAND OUT
UTILIZE SCENTS
BE MINDFUL OF YOUR ASSETS
CONFUSE THEM
BE BOLD
CHAPTER 43: FRAMING AND SOME COMMONLY USED FRAMES IN NLP
WHAT ARE FRAMES IN HYPNOSIS?
FOUR FRAMES YOU CAN MANIPULATE
 HOW TO MAINTAIN YOUR FRAME IN CONVERSATIONAL HYPNOSIS
HOW TO USE PREFRAMING IN CONVERSATIONAL HYPNOSIS
HOW TO USE REFRAMING IN CONVERSATIONAL HYPNOSIS
HOW TO USE DEFRAMING IN CONVERSATIONAL HYPNOSIS
CHAPTER 44: NLP APPLICATIONS
IT ENCOURAGES COMPREHENSION
HELPS YOU GET THROUGH THE BAD HABITS
HOW WELL DO YOU RECOGNIZE ABOUT YOUR DARK SIDE
CHAPTER 45: NLP EXERCISES
CHAPTER 46: NLP PRESUPPOSITIONS AND PRIMING
PRESUPPOSITIONS
PRIMING
What is priming, and how does it work you’re wondering?
CHAPTER 47: EMOTIONAL STATES AND PERSUASION
THE PRINCIPLE OF RECIPROCITY
THE PRINCIPLE OF LIKING
THE THEORY OF AUTHORITY
THE SCARCITY THEORY
THE PRINCIPLE OF CONSENSUS
PERSUASION TIPS FOR DAILY USE IF YOU’RE TRYING TO INFLUENCE PEOPLE
Tip # 1: Appearing confident
Tip # 2: Be subtle with your approach
Tip # 3: Be creative with your methods
Tip # 4: Timing is all
Tip # 5: Being Interesting is an added advantage
Tip # 6: Listen more than you're talking.
CHAPTER 48: TAKE CONTROL OF OTHERS
NLP, THE MIND, AND ULTIMATE CONTROL
NLP, MANIPULATION, AND MIND CONTROL
CHAPTER 49: MANIPULATING THE MIND THROUGH NLP
WELL, BUT WHAT IS MANIPULATION?
REQUIREMENTS TO SUCCESSFULLY MANIPULATE
SIMON SAYS THAT THE MANIPULATOR WILL REQUIRE TO:
THE MOTIVATING FEATURE IN MANIPULATIVE INTERACTION
MANIPULATION AS A MOTIVATING BEHAVIOR
CHAPTER 50: NLP TECHNIQUES
WHAT IS DARK NLP?
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
PLAY ON HOPE AND FEAR
 INSULT SOMEONE SUBTLY
INFLUENCE IF SOMEONE AGREES OR DISAGREES
CREATE FAKE BONDS
USE THE SAME SENSORY MODAL SYSTEM
MATCH BREATHING
MIRRORING
UNDERSTANDING
CONFESSING
TAKE CONTROL OF OTHERS
META MODELING
CHAPTER 51: THE POWER OF WORDS — LINGUISTIC FOUNDATIONS OF
MANIPULATION
SPINNING IDEAS
OVERSELLING AS A TACTIC
OVERSIMPLIFYING
OVERT HONESTY
DEFINE YOUR POSITION AS NEUTRAL
INTERSPERSE LONG AND SHORT
INTENSITY AND PASSION
SPILL YOURSELF
PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS
CHAPTER 52: RE-DISCOVERING NLP IN EVERY DAY LIFE
EMPATH
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 53: WHAT IS AN EMPATH?
CHAPTER 54: TYPES OF EMPATH
EMOTIONAL EMPATH
PHYSICAL EMPATH
PLANT EMPATH
ANIMAL EMPATH
ENVIRONMENTAL EMPATH
INTUITIVE EMPATH
CHAPTER 55: HOW EMPATHY WORKS?
CHAPTER 56: HOW TO EMBRACE YOUR GIFT?
CHAPTER 57: EMPATHS AND WORK
CHAPTER 58: HOW TO SUPPORT A YOUNG EMPATH?
HOW TO SPOT A YOUNG EMPATH?
UNCOVER THE REAL REASONS BEHIND TEMPER TANTRUMS
CREATE SOOTHING ENVIRONMENTS
 HELP THEM PREPARE FOR THE HARSHER REALITIES OF LIFE
GIVE THEM PRACTICAL TECHNIQUES THEY CAN USE
TEENAGE EMPATHS
CHAPTER 59: BEING EMPATHIC VS BEING AN EMPATH
CHAPTER 60: BEING AN EMPATH: GOOD OR BAD
CHAPTER 61: EMPATHIC LISTENING TECHNIQUES
EYE CONTACT AND LIP READING
HEARING THEIR WANTS VS. NEEDS
CHAPTER 62: EMPATH FRIENDS AND FAMILY
CHAPTER 63: THE EMPATH IN LOVE & SEX
IMAGE SOURCE: THEMINDSJOURNAL.COM
EMPATH IN SEX
EMPATH IN LOVE
CHAPTER 64: THE KEY TO CONTROLLING EMPATHY
CHAPTER 65: HOW TO CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS?
CHAPTER 66: LEARNING HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES
THE MOST EFFECTIVE METHOD TO SET BETTER BOUNDARIES
CHAPTER 67: THE DARK SIDE OF BEING AN EMPATH
CHAPTER 68: CHARACTERISTICS OF AN EMPATH
RANGE OF INDICATIONS
HYPOTHETICAL EMPATH
CHECK THE INDICATIONS
CHAPTER 69: UNDERSTANDING THE EMPATH
CHAPTER 70: EMPATHS AND OTHER PEOPLE
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE AN EMPATH?
STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTIONS TO HANDLE OTHER PEOPLE'S BAD MOODS LIKE A PRO
CHAPTER 71: DEVELOPING YOUR EMPATH SKILLS
LISTENING
EMPOWERING A PERSON WHILE EMPOWERING YOURSELF
GROUNDING, CLEARING AND REALIZING
DEVELOP YOUR EMOTIONS
OVERCOMING YOUR FEARS
CHAPTER 72: EMPATH AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
COMPONENTS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
IMPORTANCE OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
CHAPTER 73: HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
CHAPTER 74: HOW EMPATHY AFFECTS YOUR DAILY LIFE?
CONCLUSION
EMPATH HEALING
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 75: WHAT IS EMPATH HEALING?
CHAPTER 76: WHO ARE EMPATHY HEALERS?
REALIZATION
REMEMBER FEELING REFRESHED
MAKE CHOICES
SETTING CLEAR BOUNDARIES
IT’S A MIND GAME
VIBRATE HIGHER
REFRAMING
CHAPTER 77: STORY OF EMPATH HEALING
CHAPTER 78: EMPATH MEDICINE
ADRENAL GLAND FATIGUE
RECHARGING STRATEGIES
SLEEP –
SEA SALT BATH -
SMOOTHIES -
CHAPTER 79: EMPATH SELF CARE
CHAPTER 80: HEALING YOURSELF
CHAPTER 81: PROTECTION STRATEGIES
STEP 1
STEP 2
STEP 3
STEP 4
STEP 5
STEP 6
STEP 7
STEP 8
CHAPTER 82: GROUNDING FOR EMPATHS
GROUNDING METHODS FOR YOUR EMOTIONS
CHAPTER 83: HOW TO PROTECT PERSONAL ENERGY?
BAD PRACTICES TO GIVE UP
GOOD PRACTICES TO START
CHAPTER 84: HOW TO INCREASE POSITIVE ENERGY?
CHAPTER 85: HOW TO IMMUNIZE YOUR AURA FROM NEGATIVE ENERGIES?
NEGATIVE ENERGY AND THE AURA
HOW TO SEE AURAS
CHAPTER 86: UNDERSTANDING YOUR EMPATHIC NATURE
MEANING OF EMPATH
WHO IS AN EMPATH?
WHAT IS EMPATHY?
CHARACTERISTICS OF AN EMPATH
CHAPTER 87: IDENTIFY YOUR EMOTIONS
5 COMMON EMOTIONS EXPERIENCED BY HUMANS
CHAPTER 88: APPRECIATE YOUR EMOTIONS
CHAPTER 89: UNDERSTAND THE EMOTIONS
CHAPTER 90: PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM NARCISSIST
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF PSYCHOLOGICALLY FROM A NARCISSISTIC PERSON?
CHAPTER 91: EMPATHIC PROTECTION
SHIELDING VISUALIZATION
DEFINE AND EXPRESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDS
SET ENERGETIC BOUNDARIES AT WORK AND HOME
PREVENT EMPATHY OVERLOAD
THE JAGUAR PROTECTION MEDITATION
CHAPTER 92: HOW TO DEVELOP THE EMPATH GIFT?
TRAITS OF THE EMPATH
CHAPTER 93: SOCIAL ANXIETY AND EMPATH
CHAPTER 94: EMPATH AND RELATIONSHIP
MANAGING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS AND ENVIRONMENT AS AN EMPATH
CHAPTER 95: HOW TO RECOVER AND HEAL FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE?
RECOVERING FROM ANY NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
HOW TO BREAK FREE FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
CHAPTER 96: EMPATH AND ENERGY VAMPIRES
CHAPTER 97: EMPATH AND SPIRITUAL HYPERSENSITIVITY
CHAPTER 98: EMPATH HEALING METHODS
MEDITATION
LAUGHTER
DISCOVERING YOUR OUTLETS
NATURE
WATER
 SEA SALT
CHAPTER 99: PROTECT YOURSELF AS AN EMPATH
CHAPTER 100: EMPATHS AND THE SPIRITUAL AWAKENING PROCESS
CHAPTER 101: HEALING THE EMOTIONAL REALM
HOW TO START HEALING
THE PROCESS OF EMOTIONAL HEALING
TIPS FOR EMOTIONAL HEALING
CHAPTER 102: THE SPIRITUAL PURPOSE OF EMPATHS
CHAPTER 103: STRATEGIES TO OVERCOME FEAR AND ANXIETY
CHAPTER 104: MEDITATION FOR EMPATHS
CHAPTER 105: HOW TO BECOME A HEALER OF OTHERS?
SELF-TEST FOR BEING AN EMPATH:
CHAPTER 106: EMOTIONAL HEALING METHODS
MEDITATION
CEREMONIAL HEALING
ENERGY SHIELDS
CORD CUTTING CEREMONY
TALK THERAPY
INTUITIVE COUNSELING
CONCLUSION
OVERTHINKING
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 107: WHAT IS OVERTHINKING?
OVERTHINKING EXPLAINED
THE REASON BEHIND IT
TYPES OF OVERTHINKING
THE CAUSES
THE DANGEROUS EFFECTS OF OVERTHINKING
CHAPTER 108: SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS
HOW TO IDENTIFY IF YOU’RE AN OVERTHINKER
THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN OVERTHINKING AND ANXIETY
OVERTHINKING’S DESTRUCTIVE DRAWBACKS
CHAPTER 109: GOOD HABIT FORMATION
WHY GOOD HABITS HELP
MOTIVATING YOURSELF TO CHANGE YOUR HABITS
CHAPTER 110: THE EXTRAORDINARY POWER OF MINDFULNESS
 WHAT IS MINDFULNESS MEDITATION
HOW TO MEDITATE
WHY YOU NEED TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS
EMBRACING MINDFULNESS
OVERCOME ANXIETY WITH MINDFULNESS
MINDFULNESS IN EVERYDAY LIFE
CHAPTER 111: THE BEST KEPT SECRETS TO TAMING YOUR THOUGHTS
THE WANDERING MIND
TAMING STRATEGY #1: POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS
TAMING STRATEGY #2: LISTENING TO YOURSELF
TAMING STRATEGY #3: AVOID PROCRASTINATION
TAMING STRATEGY #4: GET A HOBBY
TAMING STRATEGY #5: BE LOVINGLY PATIENT WITH YOURSELF
CONCLUSION
CHANGE YOUR BRAIN
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 112: PRINCIPLES TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR LIFE
IS IT POSSIBLE TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN?
HOW TO CHANGE OUR MINDSET AND OURSELVES
HOW TO ILLUMINATE YOUR MIND
YOUR CHOICES CHANGE YOUR BRAIN
LOVE, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, FEAR AND THE BRAIN
YOU CANNOT CHANGE WHAT YOU DO NOT MEASURE
HOW POSITIVE THINKING WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
HOW CAN I TRAIN MY BRAIN TO BE POSITIVE?
CHAPTER 113: IMPROVING THE BRAIN
CAN THE BRAIN REWIRE ITSELF? HOW DO WE IMPROVE OUR BRAINS?
LEARNING CHANGES THE BRAIN
6 WAYS TO SHIFT YOUR MINDSET AND EMBRACE CHANGE
CHAPTER 114: 10 OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN
1: BELIEVE YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR BRAIN
2: REGULAR EXERCISE
3: MINIMIZE CAFFEINE INTAKE
4: BEING ONE WITH NATURE
5: THE POWER OF MEDITATION
6: GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP
7: REGULAR READING
8: MUSIC FOR THE SOUL
9: AVOID MULTITASKING
 10: A GRATEFUL HEART AND MIND
CHAPTER 115: HOW DO I GET SMARTER?
KEEPING YOUR BRAIN IN PEAK CONDITION
MENTAL STRATEGY 1: READ EVERY DAY
MENTAL STRATEGY 2: BRAIN GAMES
MENTAL STRATEGY 3: GET REGULAR EXERCISE
MENTAL STRATEGY 4: LEARNING A NEW LANGUAGE
MENTAL STRATEGY 5: MANAGE YOUR TIME WISELY
MENTAL STRATEGY 6: REVIEW LEARNED INFORMATION
CHAPTER 116: BREAKING FREE OF BAD HABITS
WHAT ARE BAD HABITS AND WHY DO THEY AFFECT US?
HOW HABITS ARE FORMED
IS IT POSSIBLE TO CHANGE THESE HABITS?
YOUR HABIT REPLACEMENT JOURNEY
SHIFT YOUR MINDSET TO BREAK YOUR HABITS
THOUGHT REPLACEMENT
DON’T BE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT IT
CONCLUSION
DECLUTTER YOUR MIND
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 117: THE PHILOSOPHY OF DECLUTTERING
UNDERSTANDING CLUTTER AND DECLUTTERING
HOW CLUTTER AFFECTS THE BRAIN
WHAT DECLUTTERING IS NOT
CAN DECLUTTERING CHANGE YOUR LIFE?
DOES DECLUTTERING HELP YOU BECOME A MORE EFFICIENT LEARNER?
HOW DO YOU START DECLUTTERING?
WHAT’S NEXT?
CHAPTER 118: BUILDING A DECLUTTERING MINDSET
RECOGNIZING MENTAL CLUTTER
WHY WE LIVE WITH CLUTTERED MINDS & WHAT CAUSES IT
THE EFFECT OF STRESS ON YOUR BODY
DECLUTTERING MENTALLY
FOCUS ON LIFE’S PRIORITIES
IDENTIFY YOUR CORE VALUES
CHAPTER 119: DECLUTTERING YOUR SPACE
YOUR HOUSE IS A CONTAINER
VALUING SPACE OVER STUFF
HOW DO I MAKE MY HOME CLUTTER-FREE? DECLUTTERING THE JUNK IN YOUR HOUSE
 DECLUTTERING YOUR HOME OFFICE
CHANGING YOUR SPACE TO CHANGE YOUR MINDSET
CHAPTER 120: DECLUTTERING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
THE COST OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
HOW TO DECLUTTER YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
DECLUTTERING YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
HOW DECLUTTERING YOUR HOME CAN IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
ORGANIZING YOUR PRIORITIES & TOSSING OUT BAD HABITS
MINDFULNESS AND BEING PRESENT WITH YOUR PARTNER
CHAPTER 121: DECLUTTERING YOUR THOUGHTS
IS INFORMATION OVERLOAD SERIOUS?
WHY DO WE EXPERIENCE INFORMATION OVERLOAD?
INFORMATION OVERLOAD IS NEVER GOOD
PUTTING A STOP TO IT
STOP THE SOCIAL MEDIA DISTRACTION TOO
FINAL THOUGHTS AND TIPS ON DIGITAL DECLUTTERING
CONCLUSION
MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 122: MY EMOTIONAL SELF
WHAT ARE EMOTIONS?
DO WE NEED EMOTIONS?
HOW EMOTIONS ARE CREATED
ARE THEY THE SAME AS FEELINGS?
HOW TO IDENTIFY THEM AND HOW THEY WORK
UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EI)
CHAPTER 123: THE MOST IMPORTANT EMOTIONS
THE REASONS WE LOSE CONTROL
OUR MOST IMPORTANT EMOTIONS
HOW TO CONTROL AND MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS
THE KEY TO CONTROLLING EMOTIONS
CHANGING YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE
CHAPTER 124: EMOTIONAL INFLUENCER
HOW YOU CAN INFLUENCE YOUR EMOTIONS
HOW YOUR THOUGHTS CAN INFLUENCE YOUR EMOTIONS
HOW THE BODY INFLUENCES YOUR EMOTIONS
HOW WORDS INFLUENCE YOUR EMOTIONS
CHAPTER 125: MASTERFUL CONTROL
 HOW TO MASTER AND CONTROL ANGER
HOW TO MASTER AND CONTROL DEPRESSION
HOW TO MASTER AND CONTROL ANXIETY
HOW SLEEP CAN CHANGE YOUR MOOD
CHAPTER 126: EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN AN ANGRY WORLD
UNDERSTANDING YOUR ANGER
ANGER MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES
DOES YOUR ENVIRONMENT AFFECT YOUR EMOTIONS?
WHY DOES MUSIC INFLUENCE EMOTIONS?
HOW TO APPLY EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN DAILY LIFE
CONCLUSION
Dark Psychology Secrets
&
Persuasion

By David Soul
 Introduction

NLP stands for neuro linguistic programming. It is a concept that has existed
for quite some time now, and has gained prominence in the last decade or so,
owing to a large number of people taking it up, and using it to their benefit.
The main aim of NLP is to help a person exploit their complete brainpower.
It is to push them to the brink of excellence and do things that they were not
aware of being capable.
Richard Brandler and John Grinder first described NLP in 1970. The former
was a self-help author and the latter, a linguistic expert and together, they
worked on previous concepts that were laid by experts in the field of
neurology and linguistics.
They laid heavy emphasis on human beings using both sides of their brains
and also uniting the conscious and the subconscious minds. As you know, all
of us have an active mind that is consciously awake and helping us think and
an unconscious or sub-conscious mind that is dormant.
From then on, the concept grew in leaps and bounds. More and more linguists
and neurologists started researching it and presented their individual views.
Although much progress has been made, NLP is not yet recognized as a bona
fide scientific concept. A lot more work needs to be done on it for the
scientific community to accept it with open arms. However, for those that
have used NLP, the results are apparent and there are several testimonials
available on the Internet that speaks of the concept’s actual uses.
Despite being dormant, it will constantly be thinking things and storing them
for the long haul. If a person successfully taps into this mindset then he can
make the most of
his brainpower.
One quality of NLP is that, it helps in drawing from a person’s existing
thinking and teaches the person to make the most of it. All human beings will
have a lot of mental potential that they will not be able to tap into fully. But
with the use of NLP, not only will it be easy to tap into the subconscious
mindset but also think out of the box.
It is a theory that teaches you to cut down on the wrongs that exist in your life
and promote the rights. This will ensure that you do right by yourself and
have the chance to focus on things that are important.
You can think of NLP as a framework that is provided to you to base your
mind power’s principles upon. It will assist in helping you think clearer and
in a better way.
Now it is standard for people to assume that NLP will only find its
application in the work field given its description of helping people increase
their brainpower. But that is not true. NLP is applicable in all walks of life
encompassing personal and social as well. You can make use of NLP to
increase your communication skills, attain more professionally etc. All of this
will allow you to do more in life and attain your goals.
But the primary focus of NLP will be to help you sharpen your mind and
make full use of your brain. So right from polishing your memory to easily
recalling something, NLP will help you do a plethora of things with equal
ease. In fact, NLP is a tool that many psychologists use to get over certain
mental conditions such as anxiety and Dementia.
The uses of NLP are hard to measure as research has shown how it can go
beyond mental impact and also has several physical benefits as well. It’s seen
that NLP helps certain people combat physical ailments as well as they will
have a great control over their mind. They can literally ask their bodies to
heal faster as the body responds to the mind’s calls.
NLP is designed to suit everybody. Anybody interested in increasing their
mind’s capacity and willing to put in the effort is welcome to take up NLP. It
is a person’s personal choice to do so and once they make up their mind, they
will not regret their decision. There is no age restriction as such and anybody
above the age of 15 can take it up. School children will find it useful, as it
will help them in their studies. It is also for old people who are trying to fend
off illnesses such as Alzheimer’s and Dementia.
Working professionals can take it up to do more in their work field. They can
use NLP to work faster, be more productive and be done with work early. All
of this will go a long way in helping them realize their life’s goals.
Apart from these, there are many other uses of NLP, which you will only
realize once you take it up. For you to take up NLP there are two choices.
One if to undergo training at a professional course and the other is to practice
the concepts of NLP by yourself.
Both can be equally useful, and it is up to you to choose either. For the
former, the place might charge you a certain amount for their services and the
latter will mostly be free of cost. But the firmer might teach you things that
will help you understand the concept better and faster as compared to the
latter.
This book will push you into the right direction and help you understand that
different concepts of NLP, which you can apply in your everyday life.
Once you learn the concept of NLP and successfully implement it in your
life, you will not want to go back and will constantly and consistently use it
to your advantage.
In fact, you can also have a relative; a friend or a colleague join in and the
two of you can reap joint benefits of taking up NLP.
 Chapter 1: Dark Psychology Secrets

The science of psychology is one that hasn’t existed for as long as many
other sciences. While geology, biology, and other hard sciences have existed
for hundreds or even thousands of years, psychology was born in 1874 when
German physiologist Wilhelm Wundt published a book outlining the
connections between the body’s reactions and the human mind titled
Principles of Physiological Psychology. This research path would become a
branch of science all its own, and that branch would be known as psychology.
Although there are now many different kinds of psychology based on
methods of treatment of perspectives of different researchers, it’s important
to make the distinction of the birth of the science generally in order to better
understand the idea of “dark” psychology.
 Wilhelm Wundt 16 August 1832 – 31 August 1920

The idea of dark psychology became popularized when the dark triad of
human traits became a widespread topic. This dark triad of personality traits
can be found in just about everybody, but the combination of the three traits
—psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism—makes up the most
complete idea of a bad person, in their rawest and simplest form. Research of
these dark three traits can be found especially in the fields of criminal or
deviant psychology. Everyone can show signs of at least one of these traits,
but they are a staple of manipulative and malevolent people. When the ideas
of these dark psychological qualities became associated with deviance or
criminal behavior, more research was done on the ideas behind what made
some people deviant, and what made some psychology “dark.” These ideas of
“dark psychology” ultimately stem from methods of manipulation in order to
convince people to lean your way, or to get what you want out of the people
around you.

Image Source: Illimitable Man

Unfortunately, there’s no way for you to magically get what you want out of
anyone you ask—although you can make your chances of success with
certain people better by using some of these tricks, there’s no guarantee or
100% success rate. There will always be some things you have to work for or
go “the long way” to get. If anything, these tips and tricks are not shortcuts to
get anything that you want, but they’re ways for you to check yourself to
make sure that, in addition to being able to manipulate others, you’re also
able to protect yourself from that same manipulation. There will be many
times where people try to use these tricks on you in order to get information
or a favor out of you will make those tricks less likely to work on you. And
by understanding more about the dark triad of personality traits, in particular,
you’ll be more able to spot people with these traits easily, and you’ll be able
to avoid potentially dangerous or toxic people before it’s too late.
There’s also a very important balance that has to be maintained when it
comes to dark psychology—it isn’t something that you should use whenever
you want something out of someone. Dark psychology is something you use
when the thing you’re trying to get from someone will ultimately help you to
have more opportunities—it should be something very important to you or to
someone else. If you use these tools simply for the purpose of getting
whatever you want, you won’t develop as a person for using them, and you’ll
likely only know how to rely on those tools when you need something in the
future. When you need something very important which you can’t get in
another way, these methods can work very well in a stressful situation or one
in which you need a quick solution. However, you shouldn’t rely on them if
you don’t absolutely need to. While mind control and dark psychology are
incredibly important parts of psychology and are relevant facets of the human
mind, they shouldn’t ever be taken lightly and they aren’t things to be messed
with when it comes to using them to your advantage. When you really need
something from someone, use dark psychology as a way to streamline your
goals and your intentions in a way that causes the least amount of damage to
other people as possible. While the goals of dark psychology are self-serving
and not to service others, you also shouldn’t go out of your way to hurt other
people or cause them trouble just for the sake of furthering a goal. There are
some things that can’t be avoided when you’re using manipulation tactics,
but you should always make it a priority to do as much positive work you can
for yourself while minimizing the negative work you do unto others in the
process.
That being said, you also shouldn’t expect dark psychology to work quickly.
When you manipulate someone, it should be a process instead of just a quick
fix to a problem. For example, if you’re trying to persuade someone to make
a certain decision in your favor, it isn’t a forceful thing, and persuasion is
something that takes more than one encounter to work to its fullest
capabilities. While trying to persuade someone, it’s ideal to bombard them
with subtle but effective ideas that are more likely to get them to understand
your side and be sympathetic to your ideas. After a long enough time of that
exposure to your ideas and your way of thinking, they’ll be much more open
to your options and receptive to what you have to say. If you were to just try
and force their opinion to change, you probably would’ve been met with
failure as that kind of forceful persuasion can backfire except for specific
situations. However, because you took your time in this situation and really
hammered in the ideas for sympathy to your cause over a longer period of
time, you ended up getting exactly what you wanted because you took the
longer and more patient approach to your problem. Dark psychology is
sometimes painted as a fast solution to all your problems and the kinks in
your relationships. However, just like any method of getting past an issue,
you see the best and more effective results when you take your time and
patiently observe the process. This applies to all the methods of persuasion
and control over others that you’ll see and learn — they all work best if you
can have the patience to wait them out and let persuasion run its course
slowly rather than forcing the process. When we let these things work
themselves out more slowly, we let the person we’re trying to persuade
believe that their decision to support you was ultimately their idea and that
they weren’t affected by your persuasion much or at all. This also makes
slower persuasion much more likely to work when it comes to people who
are more determined and independent—people who are less likely to agree
with you by force simply because they like to feel in control of their own
choices. When you persuade them subtly, you offer them the illusion of
choice while making the “choice” you want them to make seem much more
favorable by comparison.
This is just one of the many ways you can get people to side with you without
having to force their hand or use any kind of violence or intimidation. Ideally,
you wouldn’t have to use any kind of covert persuasion or manipulation in
order to achieve your goal, but it’s a part of modern life that has become
almost inseparable from business and many other spheres of work. In the
business world or in any world where communications happen often or
agreements have to be reached between different parties who might have
entirely different agendas, there’s usually some degree of persuasion or
manipulation—usually on all sides—in order to reach the most fruitful or
pleasant compromise. That doesn’t mean that the persuasion is malicious or
that the goal of the persuasion is simply to harm the other parties in order to
get what you want. Often, persuasion is a normal tool that all humans use as
an evolutionary trait that developed when bartering became a more
sophisticated action that required a lot of trade. When the way we spoke to
other parties became more important than the deal itself, humans developed
more of an understanding of what most humans see as most pleasurable, as
well as the ability to more accurately read the emotions of people in order to
reach the fullest understanding of what each group of people wanted.
Of course, there will always be some aspects of dark psychology which are
mainly used in order to bully people into submission or to force the hands of
others in order to get what you need out of them. This is never usually
preferable, but there are some situations where it’s best to go about it in a
more forceful way. Additionally, there are some situations where you can’t
wait for persuasion to be slow and subtle in order to be effective. For some
scenarios, you simply need to force what you need out have people. Although
it isn’t ideal to have to force things out of people this way, it’s usually
required if you want to reach your full potential in that situation. While you
might have ideally been in a situation where you could drop a lot of hints
toward someone that they should support you and wait for them to come to
that decision on their own terms, you might instead be on a time crunch.
Because you have less time, you might be forced to resort to fear tactics and
manipulating the person using that fear or intimidation in order to scare them
into submission and supporting you. This is one of many situations where
even if you would have liked to use more docile or subtle techniques; you’re
forced by circumstance to resort to potentially more harmful or hurtful tactics
of dark psychology. These tactics are simply sometimes needed if you want
to have the most effective results out of people. The point of dark psychology
is not to befriend the people you’re manipulating; after all—the point is to get
what you need out of them and little else. In some situations, you might keep
that person’s connection for future manipulations if they can be involved in
your long-term plans.
While the line can sometimes be thin, it’s especially important to understand
where the boundary falls for you as it pertains to the difference between
manipulating someone from a business perspective and being toxic toward
that person in a close or intimate way. Once the manipulation becomes
personal and the person you’re taking advantage of really becomes the victim
of your consistent manipulation, you may want to assess why you’re treating
them that way and if your ends are really justifying the means of that
manipulation. While the morals behind dark psychology in a broader sense
vary wildly from situation to situation, you shouldn’t let yourself become an
abuser of someone innocent just for the sake of your own professional or
personal gain. If it starts to feel as though you’re regularly taking advantage
of someone just for the sake of feeling control over them and you’ve stopped
getting anything of proportionate value out of that manipulation, you might
be a toxic person—manipulating others not for any real goal which is worth
that manipulation, but simply doing so out of the malice you have for them
and the desperation you have for social power and control.
You don’t have to use dark psychology as a way to have control over others
at all times. Usually, it’s a tool to fulfill desires of yours and a way for you to
potentially save people time and emotional energy. Although the morality of
making a decision with heavy consequences for someone before they can
make it themselves is questionable, sometimes you truly do know something
that others don’t, which allows you to streamline an emotional process or
decision which might have otherwise been much more emotionally
challenging for everyone involved. For example, if you knew someone who
wanted to attend a party or other function for the purpose of meeting
someone they already have in mind, you might be able to save them the
trouble by preventing them from attending if you know the person they have
in mind would be toxic or otherwise problematic for them. If you know this
person would be bad for them, you have many ways to use dark psychology
in order to prevent them from going to the function—you don’t have to use
fear or intimidation tactics in order to get them to stay. Simply persuading
them to do something with you or to try something new in a different way
instead can direct their energy into something more constructive and positive
which won’t hurt or damage them in the way that person might have. By
doing this, you’ve used dark psychology in order to save someone you know
emotional energy, time, and the commitment to a relationship or connection
which would have failed or ended roughly. Although you might not feel
comfortable making that kind of decision for someone, there are points at
which you have the ability to make choices for the sake of others which will
benefit them in the long run. This is a way you can use manipulation and
persuasion in a way that qualifies as dark psychology but is doing the people
you know better than harm for your own sake. There are also many other
scenarios in which you can use dark psychology skills you learn in order to
help not only yourself achieve the things you want for yourself, but also
others in achieving their own goals.
Of course, you first have to set a foundation of knowledge before you can
dive deeper into deep psychology as it pertains to the use of specific methods
or tactics of manipulating others.
 Chapter 2: Techniques Used In Dark Psychology

How Is Dark Psychology Used?

Because dark psychology can cover such a wide variety of mental techniques,
it’s important to understand that each one can be applied differently.
Although there is some overlap between methods, defining each one can be
helpful to comprehend the full spectrum of dark psychology.
Persuasion
To persuade someone is to convince them to act or think a certain way based
on reasoning or through argument. When we talk about persuasion in the
realm of dark psychology, it means to convince someone to act in a way that
is beneficial to the persuader but may not be beneficial to the person being
persuaded. This can come in the form of coercion or other means of forced
compliance.
Persuasion is an important skill when it comes to businesses like sales, but
can be used in personal relationships, as well. People who are the target of
persuasion are usually aware of what is going on, but find themselves
powerless to fight it. The art of persuasion as a standalone discipline has been
taught since the times of the Ancient Greeks when Aristotle himself
instructed his students in rhetoric and argumentative method.
 Image Source: Persuasion At Work

Manipulation
Manipulation has a negative connotation, even before it is put under the
spotlight of dark psychology. Manipulation means to bend something to your
will, to mold something to your specifications and desires, or to maneuver the
pieces of something until it all comes together. In dark psychology, this refers
to the technique of causing another person to change themselves, act in a
manner deviant from their personality, or to act on behalf of the person
manipulating them.
People who are being manipulated are often unaware that it is occurring
because skilled manipulators can seamlessly make their subjects feel at ease.
Even if there are the proverbial red flags, they are usually quickly ignored or
moved on from during the next stage of the manipulation. Psychologists are
still trying to pinpoint exactly what causes a person to manipulate another,
but some have identified what they believe to be the strongest characteristics
of the manipulator and the manipulated.

Example Of Manipulation - Image Source: Diagram Thoughts

Deception
Deception can be thought of as ranging anywhere from a small falsehood like
a little white lie all the way through a large fraudulent indiscretion.
Influencing how another person feels, thinks, or acts through means of
untruthfulness or lies of omission all fall under the category of deception.
People use deception when they’ve done something they do not want to have
been caught doing, when they want to falsely cause someone else to think or
act a certain way, or when they want to have something occur under false
pretenses.
Deception can be a very hurtful method of dark psychology because most
people react very negatively to being lied to. People who use deception as a
method in dark psychology should be aware that there may be an aftermath of
anger and grief should they are caught in their lives.

Hypnosis
Hypnosis is a technique which alters a person’s state of consciousness in
order to make them highly suggestible to behaviors which they would not
normally exhibit. It has been used historically in everything from parlor
shows to intense psychotherapy and is subject to a great deal of skepticism.
In the realm of dark psychology, hypnosis could be used to cause the subject
to act on another’s behalf or otherwise behave in a way abhorrent to their
normal state of being. Because people in a state of hypnosis are often hyper-
focused on the task they’ve been given, they are driven to complete that task
no matter the consequence.
Hypnosis was popularized by Austrian physician Franz Mesmer, whose name
is where we derive the word ‘mesmerize’. Mesmer’s method of hypnosis is
vastly different from what we think of it today, and Mesmer believed it was
truly a tool for healing. Mesmer’s theory held that the human body, like all
things, has an invisible magnetic field and that by finding a way to align that
magnetic field, his patients could be cured of what ailed them. These patients
were often said to go into a trance-like state during treatment, therefore
becoming ‘mesmerized’.
Trance states or subconscious actions during a trance are not only limited to
Mesmer’s healing technique. There are numerous examples throughout
history of people falling into a trance during spiritual and/or religious rituals.
Many of the precursors to Mesmer’s work also included magnets. It wasn’t
until later on, when Scottish doctor James Braid became interested in
Mesmer’s work, that the technique of inducing a medical trance became
known as first as neuro-hypnosis and later just hypnosis.
Braid believed that mesmerism or hypnotism had less to do with magnetic
fields and more to do with the process of ocular focus used to induce the
trance. Braid theorized that when patients were forced to keep their eyes on a
moving object, their brains were lulled into a sense of pseudo-sleep and
began functioning at a different level.

Image Source: James Braid Society

Brainwashing and Other Conditioning Techniques

Most people are familiar with conditioning, made famous by Pavlov and his
dogs. For those who need a refresher, Ivan Pavlov was a Russian
psychologist, physiologist, and researcher who became the father of classical
conditioning. His renowned experiment involving dogs can be summed up
briefly like this: Pavlov would ring a bell each day, and then immediately
feed his canine subjects. The dogs would begin to salivate because they knew
their food was coming after the bell. Eventually, the dogs began to salivate
when they heard the bell, whether they were fed immediately after or not.
The dogs had become conditioned to salivate when the bell rang.

In much the same way, humans can become conditioned to behave in a

specific way based on the criteria of stimuli. Brainwashing, as we often call
it, can apply to an individual or a group, as is often seen in cults. People
behave a certain way when prompted because they believe there will be a
reward in the end. In extreme cases, people do not want to be rescued from
their brainwashers, because they believe that they will be punished and not
receive their promised reward.
Another extreme form of conditioning is known as Stockholm syndrome.
This occurs when a captive forms a sympathetic connection with their captor.
The reverse of this is known as Lima Syndrome. Both psychological effects
are named for historical acts- the first, a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden
in which hostages refused to speak out against the bank robbers who held
them against their will, and the second occurred in Lima, Peru, where
militants took hundreds of people hostage at the Japanese embassy, but
released most of them due to sympathy for their plight.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a psychological technique which existed long before it was
given it modern moniker. The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from a play and later
film called Gaslight, where a man makes his wife believe she is losing her
sanity, when in truth, the husband is playing a series of subtle psychological
tricks on her, including changing the settings of the gas lamps within their
home.
In general, the term ‘gaslighting’ is now used to describe any number of
actions which cause a subject to question their own perceptions, their grasp
on reality and their sanity. Gaslighting is most frequently used by one
individual on another individual, but can also be perpetrated on a larger group
under certain circumstances.

General Application of Dark Psychology

As you can see, there is a multitude of techniques and methods of dark
psychology, which begets some questions. Why would someone use dark
psychology? How can it be used to my benefit? How do you know when dark
psychology is being used on you?
The first question is the easiest to answer. People use dark psychology to get
something that they want. Whether that desire is for something material or
something emotional, the primary use of dark psychology is to attain a goal.
That leads to another question- is dark psychology only beneficial to the
person using it? Conversely, does it always harm the subject?
The second question asked here was ‘how can I use dark psychology to my
benefit?’ The answer would be to determine the method that fits your needs.
To do that, you must first pinpoint your goal or desire. Once you’ve done
that, you can determine what dark psychology method is the best way to
achieve your goals. There may be times that a mixture of methods is the most
effective for your needs.
 Chapter 3: Dark Persuasion & Manipulation

Difference between Persuasion and Manipulation

Covert emotional manipulation is used by people who want to gain power or
control over you by deploying tactics that are both deceptive and
underhanded. Such people want to change the way you think and behave
without you ever realizing what it is they are doing. In other words, they use
techniques that can alter your perceptions in such a way that you think that
you are doing it out of your own free will. Covert emotional manipulation is
“covert” because it works without you being consciously aware of that fact.
People who are good at deploying such techniques can get you to do their
bidding without your knowledge; they can hold you “psychologically
captive."

When skilled manipulators set their sights on you, they can get you to grant
them power over your own emotional well-being and even your self-worth.
They will put you under their spell without you ever realizing it. They will
win your trust, and you will start attaching value to what they think of you.
Once you have let them into your life, they will then start chipping away at
your very identity in a methodical way, and as time goes by you will lose
your self-esteem and turn into whatever they want you to be.

Covert emotional manipulation is actually more common than you might

think. Since it's subtle, people are rarely aware that it’s happening to them,
and in some cases, they may never even notice. Only keen outside observers
may be able to tell when this form of manipulation is going on.

You might know someone who used to be fun and jovial, then she got into a
relationship with someone else, and a few years down the line, she seems to
have a completely different personality. If it’s an old friend, you might not
even recognize the person she has become. That is how powerful covert
emotional manipulation can be. It can completely overhaul someone’s
personality without them even realizing it. The manipulator will chip away at
you little by little, and you will accept minute changes that fly under the
radar, until the old you are replaced by a different version of you, build to be
subservient to the manipulator.

Covert emotional manipulation works like a slow-moving coup. It requires

you to make small progressive concessions to the person that is trying to
manipulate you. In other words, you let go of tiny aspects of your identity to
accommodate the manipulative person, so it never registers in your mind that
there is something bigger at play.

When the manipulative person pushes you to change in small ways, you will
comply because you don't want to "sweat the small stuff." However, there is a
domino effect that occurs as you start conceding to the manipulative person.
You will be more comfortable making subsequent concessions, and your
personality will be erased and replaced in a cumulative progression.

Covert emotional manipulation occurs to some extent in all social dynamics.

Let’s look at how it plays out in romantic relationships, in friendships, and at
work.

Emotional Manipulation Tactics

Lying is one of the very first techniques that manipulators use. It is a
technique that pathological liars or psychopaths use when they want to
confuse their victims. If they are constantly lying to them, their victims will
often be unaware of the truth. Those who use this tactic have no moral or
ethical apprehension about it.
Telling half-truths or only telling part of a story is another tactic that can be
used to manipulate someone. People like this will often keep things to
themselves because it puts the victim at a disadvantage. They can get what
they want by waiting to tell them the rest of the story until their needs are
met.
Being around someone who has frequent mood swings can often make a
person vulnerable to their manipulations. Not knowing what mood that
person will be in, whether they will be happy, sad, or angry can be a very
useful tactic for the manipulator. It keeps the victim off balance and easy to
manipulate because they will often do what the manipulator wants to keep
them in a good mood.
Another tactic that is often used by narcissists is known as love bombing.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be in a relationship but can be
used in a friendship as well. Those that use this tactic will charm the victim to
death and have them believe that this is the best relationship or friendship that
has ever happened to them. They will use the victim for what they want, and
then when they are done, they drop them and the victim has no idea what
happened.
A tactic that can be used in extreme cases by the manipulator is that of
punishment. This makes the victim feel guilty for something they did wrong,
even if they didn’t do anything at all. Some of the punishments that they can
inflict on their victims are consistent nagging, shouting, mental abuse, giving
them the silent treatment, and even as bad as physical violence.
Denial is often a tactic that is used when a manipulator feels pushed in a
corner, and they feel like they will be exposed for the fake that they are. In
this instance, they will manipulate the victim into believing that they are
doing the very thing the manipulator is being accused of.
Spinning the truth is a tactic often used by politicians. It is used to twist the
facts to suit their needs or wants. Sociopaths use this technique to disguise
their bad behavior and justify it to their victims.
Minimizing is when a manipulator will play down their behavior and/or
actions. They move the blame onto the victim for overreacting when their
actions are harmful, and the person has a valid reason for feeling the way
they do.
It is often interesting when the manipulator pretends to become the victim.
They do this to gain sympathy or compassion from their real victims. They
do this so that their victims feel a sense of responsibility to help and end their
suffering, especially if they feel that they are the cause of that person’s
suffering.
Another way that the manipulator can move the blame onto the victim is by
targeting the victim and accusing them of wrongdoing. The victim will then
start to defend themselves, while the manipulator hides their manipulation
away from the victim. This can be dangerous because the victim is so focused
on defending themselves that they forget to notice what is right in front of
them.
Using the positive reinforcement tactic tricks the victim into thinking that
they are getting something for helping the manipulator get what they want.
This can be through purchasing them expensive presents, praising them,
giving them money, constantly apologizing for their behavior, giving them
lots of attention and all-around buttering them up.
There are times when a person knows where they stand with someone.
However, in any type of relationship, the manipulator might keep moving the
goal just to confuse their victim because they thought that everyone was still
on the same page.
Another manipulation tactic that manipulators like to use is known as
diversion. This tactic is commonly used to divert a certain conversation away
from what the manipulator is doing. The new topic is created to get the victim
to lose focus on what the manipulator is doing or trying to do.
Sarcasm is a tactic that can be used to lower the self-esteem and confidence
of a victim through embarrassment. The manipulator will use sarcasm –
usually saying something about the victim- in front of other people. This
gives the manipulator power over the victim because they just made them feel
very small.
Guilt trips are another tactic that a manipulator will use against their victim.
In this instance, they will often tell their victims that they don’t care about
them or love them; they will indicate that they are selfish and that their life is
easy. It keeps the victim confused and anxious because they want to please
the manipulator by letting them know that they care about them and will do
anything for them.
Using flattery is the exact opposite of guilt-tripping. In this instance, the
manipulator will use charm, praise or other types of flattery to gain the
victim’s trust. They victim enjoys the compliments and lets their guard
down.
Another way that a manipulator will move the blame is to play the innocent
card when the victim accuses them of their tactics. They will act shocked or
show confusion at the accusation. The act of being surprised is convincing to
the victim, and it makes them question their judgment and if what they are
feeling is wrong.
A dangerous tactic that a manipulator can use is that of extreme aggression.
Rage and aggression are used to force the victim to submit. The anger and
rage are a tactic that scares the victim to stop talking about the conversation.
They pretty much want to help keep the manipulator’s anger in check.
Isolation is another dangerous tactic used by manipulators. It is a control
mechanism that is used by manipulators to keep their victims from their
family, friends, and loved ones who can expose the manipulator for who they
really are. The manipulator might know that their victim can be manipulated,
but their friends and family can see right through them, and they are not done
using their victim yet.
And, one of the last tactics that manipulators, such as psychopaths and
sociopaths use is that of fake love and empathy. These types of people do not
know how to love others besides themselves and have a hard time loving
others and showing empathy towards others. They use this tactic to entangle
themselves into their victims’ lives to extract what they want from them
(Learning Mind, 2012).
Remember that Dark Manipulation is a very dangerous thing and not
something that anyone would want to be caught up in if they can help it.
Therefore, it is important to read this chapter to protect yourself against
anyone who would try to take advantage of you and manipulate you to get
what they want. The more knowledge you have about these devious acts, the
easier it is to protect yourself from it.

Dark Persuasion Tactics

It is often used for a person’s own gain. Immanuel Kant argued that the only
moral way that we can even try to manipulate people or their behavior is
through rational persuasion. He makes it known that anything else is just
immoral and unethical. If this is the case, how can any form of persuasion be
anything but rational? How can any part of persuasion be dark if we are given
a choice on what to decide?
This is not the case with a dark persuader. Their intention is different, they
know exactly what they are doing, and they are fully aware of the bigger
picture.
One of the things about this type of persuader is that they understand who
they are trying to persuade, what their motivation is, and how far they need to
go to get what they want. The persuader doesn’t contemplate morality in this
case because it won’t get them what they want. They will find a way to get
what they want by any means necessary.
Subliminal messages have been known as the dark art of persuasion for years.
People often connect subliminal messages with conspiracy theories against
politicians or advertisers and state that the messages are used to manipulate
our minds and diminish or change our behaviors. One of the most important
things about subliminal messages is that we can never become consciously
aware of this type of stimulus, no matter how hard we try. The next thing we
need to know is that those who believe in subliminal messages believe that it
is a real result of communication that has been deliberately designed to
generate a response from people and get them to do things that they wouldn’t
normally do.
All of this happens on the subconscious level. However, we need to make a
distinction between subliminal and supraliminal. Supraliminal is the opposite
of subliminal because even though it also evokes responses that consequently
influence our behaviors, it can be viewed through the conscious mind.
Freud came up with the term subconscious, which refers to the part of our
mind that works on the lower level of our conscious awareness. It is a secret
place where we hide our desires, motives and past experiences that we no
longer share with our conscious mind. “Our conscious mind gives us
executive control of our mind. With our consciousness, we can think, judge,
feel and experience with awareness. This is not the case with our
subconscious.
Our subconscious is always on autopilot and is more powerful than our
regular consciousness when it comes to processing information. This can be
dangerous because if someone is using subliminal messages to change how
you are thinking or behaving, you are not conscious of what is happening and
that can be scary.
 Chapter 4: Deception

Everyone’s done it. Small children don’t know who made the mess or broke
the lamp. The check is in the mail. We’ll be ready in five minutes. Yes, you
look wonderful in that dress. The little white lie. It’s inherent in human
nature. Before we look at how we can use lies and deception, let’s look at
why we lie.

Lies!
If humans are hardwired to lie, why? Where does the instinct to tell an
untruth to come from? Is it biological or psychological, or both? The answer
is both! Humans lie because of what scientists call a ‘tend and defend'
response. This means that lies are used to tend to needs or to defend against
the threat, and there is a correlation between lying and the release of the brain
chemical oxytocin, one of our innate ‘feel good' hormones. When we have
elevated levels of oxytocin, we are more likely to lie to avoid losing that
feeling of a natural high.
There are several documented reasons for lying, which fall into either the
trend or defend category. They are as follows:
1- Defend oneself- these are lies made to avoid punishment or backlash for
action or perceived action;
2- Defend others- these are lies made to avoid others being punished or
attacked for their actions or perceived actions;
3- Tend to oneself- these are lies told to gain control of a situation or a
person, lies told to avoid embarrassment or awkward social situations, or lies
told to gain personal desires or win admiration; and
4- Tend to others- lies told to protect others’ secrets, to build other people up
into greater figures than they are, and to maintain social facades.
Lies don’t have to be earth-shattering, but when they become too big, it often
becomes extremely difficult to keep a story straight. They say the best lies
have an element of truth, and that seems to be the case. Lies often have harsh
consequences when they are discovered, so if you are going to be deceptive,
be sure to be emotionally prepared to deal with any fallout.
The fallout from Pinocchio’s lies manifested physically as a growing nose!

When Do Lies Become Deception?

If you stop to think about lies, you’ll realize that they almost have a scale. A
little white lie about not having a babysitter might get you out of going to a
party, so that’s pretty low on the scale. But if you lie about not having a
babysitter, but you don’t need one because you are lying about having a baby,
now that’s a bit of a whopper. So where is the line?
Small lies, or fibs, often don’t have many consequences. But larger lies,
especially those that become compounded by repetition or addition, lead to a
cycle of lying that eventually becomes destructive to self, others, or self. That
cycle is most likely the definitive line between a lie and a deception.
Deception comes in many forms- lying about work or life experience, lying
about the state of your relationships, lies of omission, and even lies which are
told so many times, the liar themselves believe them. If lies can cause so
much psychological damage, why do people still insist on using them?

How Lies Apply In Real Life

It goes back to that ‘tend or defend’ response. Let’s take a more in-depth look
at why people could use lies for those purposes. The first reason on the list
was to ‘defend oneself’. Self-preservation is a powerful thing. If you are in an
abusive relationship, you might lie about where you’ve been to avoid being
verbally or physically attacked, even if your location would be somewhere
perfectly harmless in a healthy relationship. If your abuser thinks you were at
the grocery store rather than having coffee with a friend, you’ve lied to
protect yourself from abuse.
The second reason was to defend others. This may follow closely a scenario
like above, but perhaps it’s a mother lying to protect her children from a
physically or emotionally abusive authority figure. Another scenario might be
an older sibling taking the blame for misbehaving when it was really the
younger sibling that caused a mess or broke something valuable. Friends or
coworkers may lie to stick up for each other in situations that they might
otherwise get in trouble for.
The next item on the list about why people lie is to tend to themselves. There
are many selfish reasons to lie, and it's probably the most common reason as
well. People lie to take care of their own needs and desires, to get what they
want from others. People lie because they want other people to like them, and
so they exaggerate personal accomplishments and achievements to make
themselves look better. We hear of this in cases of a transcript or resume
fraud.
Lies that people tell to tend to themselves also frequently are told, no
maliciously, but with the intent of covering up an embarrassing situation or
avoid an awkward social interaction. These lies might be to hide a slip-up or
to skip a party you don’t want to attend. While these are little white lies, you
may still face a little backlash when your husband’s annoying cousin finds
out you weren’t really too ill to attend her bridal shower two hours away.
The last category of lie is the one that people tell to tend to others. This can
mean being deceptive about liking someone’s new haircut or lying about how
good someone is at their job to help them get a good reference. Lies that we
tell to tend to others tend to be lies of a positive nature, but that doesn’t mean
that they won’t be susceptible to the same negative impacts as the other types
of lies.

Famous Instances of Deception

Deception is one of the most ubiquitous methods are dark psychology. We
see deception used in almost every era of human history. The Trojan horse is
a fabulous example of the power of trickery and deceit. A whole population
believed they were receiving a gift, and instead, ended up with a massacre.
In the modern age, one of the largest stories to come out of a basis of
deception is the rise and fall of Elizabeth Holmes and her health technology
business Theranos. Holmes claimed to have invented a blood testing machine
that could run full diagnoses with a minute amount of blood, primarily
through a finger-stick. Holmes had her investors and board of directors
completely fooled, and these weren’t some Joes off the street.
Billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch, the Walton family of Wal-Mart
fame, and the Davos family, founders of Amway, all fell prey to Holmes's
deceptions as investors in her biotech firm. She even fooled many well-
heeled and well-educated board members, including several former or future
United States Presidential Cabinet members. Holmes's house of cards came
tumbling down when it was revealed that her miraculous blood testing
equipment was deeply flawed and may have even risked the health of the
people who'd relied on it. Before her lies being discovered, Holmes had
managed to accumulate a net worth of $4.5 billion, all of which is gone
today.
Holmes somehow hoodwinked some of the biggest scientific and
entrepreneurial names in the country and all over the world. Now that's some
serious deception!

The Art of Crafting a Good Lie

Telling a lie and selling a lie are two completely different things. Everyone
knows when a preschooler is lying about who painted the living room wall.
But when it’s time to practice deception, how do you put together a story
that’s believable and watertight?
To tell an effective lie, it must be in part based on truth. It will be easier to
remember, and you'll have a defense that you only bent the truth, not outright
lied, should you get caught. You also should make your lie as simple as
possible; to have fewer details to potentially mess up. If you have time to
create your deception, practice telling it. It will come out much more
naturally when it's time to tell it.
You shouldn’t try to include anyone else in your lies-the more people who
know what’s happening, the greater chance of you getting caught. Lies and
secrets are best kept to yourself. You should keep things brief and talk in
your normal tone of voice when you deliver your lie. Make sure your body
language and eye contact match your words and be sure that you could
convince yourself of what you’re trying to say.
Once you’ve told your lie, destroy any evidence. If you made a social media
post, delete it. If you wrote something down, make sure you get rid of the
piece of paper. Most importantly, don’t compound your lie with another lie.
If you get caught, it’s probably best just to confess. Why? Because if you
come clean and are honest, you’re less likely to get caught the next time.

Pants on Fire
Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could catch someone in a lie because their
pants went up in flames? Unfortunately, liar, liar, pants on fire isn't a real
phenomenon. There are ways to tell if someone is lying, no flames involved.
Watch someone's eyes when they speak to you; if they seem unable to make
eye contact or are very fidgety, they may not be being truthful with you.
Being able to spot a lie goes beyond fidgeting and shifty eyes, though. If
someone has a delay in speech or a behavioral pause that they don’t normally
exhibit, they may be lying to you. Some experts say that a telltale sign of
lying is if someone who doesn’t normally touch their face or throat does so
while speaking; likewise for playing with or running their fingers through
their hair.
Speech signals could also denote when someone is lying to you. If someone
repeats very simple questions before answering you, they could be buying
time to craft a false response. You should also take note of any vagueness or
lack of details when asked a direct question. If you suspect you’re being lied
to, ask the person to tell you their story again, but in reverse. The cognitive
power it takes to remember a lie may make them slip up if they need to tell it
out of order.
While there is no foolproof way to determine if someone is lying to you, use
these tips and go with your gut, and you’ll find that you’ll improve your
chances of ratting out a liar. Don’t discount your instincts, they can tell you
more than body language or speech patterns ever will.
 Chapter 5: Mind Control

The History of Mind Control and Its Effects Today

When reflecting on the history of mind control, you may think of
brainwashing techniques used in prison camps and dangerous cults that have
such a detrimental effect on people’s minds to the point of permanent harm or
death.
Headlines of mass suicide or long-term psychological impairment, Stockholm
syndrome, or post-traumatic stress disorder may also come to mind. In
everyday life, mind control is just as prevalent as always, though we may not
always be aware of it or recognize the signs. The effects of mind control are
not always obvious, and often, they influence our decisions, thoughts, and
feelings in ways that we are not always aware of. Throughout history, mind
control has been used as a means to instill fear and produce obedience among
groups of people and can also be used within smaller groups or between
individuals to yield powerful control over someone. When this happens, the
power dynamic becomes severely imbalanced in favor of the manipulator(s).
In countries or regions where people have very little freedom or liberty,
certain regimes may have a stronghold over their citizens, by using the threat
of imprisonment, punishment and other withholding fundamental rights as a
result? Severe impoverishment and lack of proper food and water can often
keep people in fear of disobedience or speaking out, for fear they may lose
what little they have access to for their families and communities.
Today, mind control is widespread as it has always been. It occurs worldwide
within governments, organizations, and between smaller groups and
individuals.
In many ways, it’s more obvious and present than ever, though we often
ignore the signs. Commercial influence and the ability to convince people to
buy products they don’t need are powerful, especially when people are
willing to go into debt or sacrifice their hard-earned income for something
less important. Some forms of media and publications may often broadcast
or publish certain headlines and events more often than others to provoke a
sense of fear or urgency about home invasion or public safety. They may use
emotive words and phrases to evoke responses of fear or shock, which causes
people to live more cautiously and carefully, without deviating from the
“norm.”

What are the Signs of Mind Control?

Like manipulation, mind control aims to persuade and influence a person or
people’s ways of thinking, acting, and behaving to gain a benefit. When
people are easily influenced and manipulated, they become more susceptible
to practicing or doing things that would normally not consider as an option.
The effect or success of mind control can vary depending on the techniques
used, the target(s) and the environment. These factors, among others, play an
important role in how successful and powerful mind control can be and also
provide information on how to spot these signs before they develop further:

Isolation
This may seem like a severe case of solitary confinement, though isolation
can refer to simply keeping you from friends and family.
This tactic is often used by an abusive partner or spouse to keep their partner
away from the comfort and support of friends and family. Isolation can be
psychological, in that the manipulator will gradually convince you that one or
two family members are trying to control you when they are the one doing
the controlling. Over time, if they are successful in persuading you that your
family is deceptive or manipulative, they may continue to target friends and
co-workers or acquaintances as well, telling you there is something wrong
with them, or making you feel as though your friends are insincere, jealous or
not truly worthy of your friendship. After a while, friendships and family
members fade into the background, and you find yourself more emotionally
dependent on the person practicing these mind control techniques. Isolation
can effectively keep you from seeking help when you finally realize the
dangers of being left alone with someone who does not have your best
interest at heart.
Recognizing the early signs of someone or an organization to isolate you
from others, even subtly, is vital to avoiding a long-term disaster. Any type of
discredit or negativity towards good friends and family should be regarded as
a possible sign of control. This tactic will usually occur early in a
relationship, where the manipulator realizes a strong bond between you and
others.
They see this as a threat to their ability to control you and will do anything in
their power to break these relationships to keep you vulnerable to their will.
If a group or organization appear inclusive and friendly yet questions the
nature of your personal relationships and friendships, it’s a sure sign they are
seeking to gain more control of your life.

Mood Swings and Erratic Behavior

If your partner becomes easily agitated or angry when you disagree with
them or makes you feel unworthy of their affection for expressing an honest
opinion, they are grooming you to bend to their will. For the manipulator,
there is little or no room for any variance in opinion or thought. They will
only accept complete submission and agreement.
Anything less will result in erratic mood swings and unpredictable behaviors.
In extreme cases, some manipulative people become violent or aggressive.
The very threat of this possibility will convince their victims to remain
obedient simply out of fear. Recognizing severe changes in mood or emotion,
especially when there is no reason or event to trigger the change, is a good
reason to avoid someone. Over time, this behavior will escalate and become
worse, especially once you discover their tactic and need to escape their
manipulate grasp.

No Compromises
Mind control, when effective, requires complete and total obedience. There is
no room for other thoughts or compromising. In a healthy relationship, all
opinions expressed are regarded with respect, even if disagreements or
debates are surrounding certain topics. Not allowing another person to
express their thoughts without ridicule or judgment can convince them that
they are not worthy or compromise. It is also a form of psychological and
emotional abuse. This is an easier sign to recognize when even the smallest
of decisions or ideas are bent to the will of the manipulator. This can mean
anything from choosing a restaurant for dinner or film to watch, which later
affects more significant decisions, such as a mortgage or starting a family.
Knowing when to spot a lack of compromise can save you a lot of grief later
in life, especially where a long-term relationship may form.

Who Uses Mind Control? Organizations, High

Control Groups, and People We Know and
Encounter in Everyday Life
Who uses mind control, and for what purpose? Many people who are
susceptible to the influence of mind control don’t often realize they are.
There are different people (individuals) and groups that employ mind and
thought-control techniques for a variety of reasons.
Understanding their purpose also provides a good explanation for why certain
techniques are used and how to recognize them. When we encounter
everyday situations, from commuting to work or school, shopping in a
grocery store or running errands, we may experience a form of influence or
covert manipulation through a sales pitch or billboard ad, without realizing its
effect.
If we stopped every time, we noticed an ad, a promotion, a person or
representative attempting to “pitch” a sale or ask for a donation, we would
then realize how bombarded our mind is with persuasion. In reality, only
certain ads or people will catch our attention, while others will slip away.
 Chapter 6: Body Language

If you want to make sure you know what a person feels just by looking at her
face, maybe it's time to understand a little more about body reading, which is
nothing more than to realize that gestures and positions also have a lot to say
- much more than you can imagine.
To give you an idea, 55% of the information a person relays when
communicating comes from body language. This body reading thing is so
curious that it is interesting to highlight some of the many types of research
already done addressing the theme:
Did you know, for example, that psychopaths can detect vulnerability only by
analyzing the way a person walk?
Another study suggests that it is possible to understand what a politician
thinks about a particular subject solely based on his hands. Possible?

How to "Read" Someone

Typically, you are wondering how one person interprets the other through
body language. You must be aware of the unconscious signals issued by your
interlocutor, without them knowing that they are being analyzed. The three
key points of body language are:
Speech and Behavior: To tell if a person feels emotionally attuned to you,
notice if they use the same words as you; they speak in a tone and at a speed
similar to the ones you use to talk; if they are sitting in the same position as
you. If the conversation continues at a pace that makes it sound like a "follow
the master" game, the emotional connection between both of you is
adequately established;
Levels of agitation and activity: If the person does not move, he or she has
little interest in what you have to say however if they run out after the
meeting, it indicates that they are excited. Several surveys have already
confirmed that when a woman swings her feet while on a romantic date, she
probably likes the man she is with.
Emphasis and timing: The term "timing" means that the person is speaking or
doing the right thing at the right time. If in addition to having a schedule for
the relevant comments, the person emphasizes specific points, it means that
they are focused and controlled. On the other hand, a person that does not
show security in what he speaks, due to lack of timing and emphasis, is easily
manipulated.
Still, on the quest for excellence in body language, you need to pay close
attention to the interlocutor. In that sense, there are biases that you must
analyze to improve your ability to perceive:
Think of the context: Would people in this situation act in the same way that
the person who is talking to you is acting?
Look for joint, non-isolated actions: Do not focus on just one detail or
gesture. Always observe the entire body.

Compare: How Does This Person Act Normally?

Know that your prejudices can deceive you. To understand the other, you
need to understand yourself: see if you are not drawing conclusions because
you like or because you do not like the person.
The way the human body communicates is often the subject of research, and
scientists have come up with some rather curious specific conclusions about
body language:
Crossed legs are a bad sign during negotiations. It sounds bizarre, but
business meetings end better when no one is cross-legged. Just to give you an
idea, the analysis of 2,000 meetings showed that none of them ended well
when at least one person was cross-legged.
Want to know if someone is lying or betraying your trust? Notice that during
a conversation the person has these four attitudes: he leans on his hand, he
leans on his face, he crosses his arms and he maintains a posture that is tilted
somewhere, not erect. These isolated signs do not amount to much, but when
presented together, they probably indicate lies and/or betrayal;

On the other hand, research has already proven that trustworthy people are
emotionally expressive. Trust someone who is pleasing to all people, and not
just to a specific group.
Concerning the hands: Gestures made with the
palms down indicate power and the opposite is
submission.
Men and women use different body languages at the time of seduction.
Women start smiling, raising their eyebrows, lowering their eyelids quickly,
and then look away. Next, almost without exception, they place their hands
close to their mouths and smile or lick their lips.

Men, on the other hand, inflame the chest, jut their chin, arch their backs,
make gestures with their hands and arms and make movements that can
demonstrate confidence and call attention to their power.
The fact is that if you want to read the body language, you need to avoid
falling into some common traps; after all, crossed arms do not always mean
lack of interest. Here are a few common mistakes made by people trying to
gauge how others communicate by gesture:
You cannot ignore the context: The idea that someone is with crossed arms
does not mean that he or she is not interested. It could be that they are in an
icy environment or if the chair in which he or she is sitting does not have an
armrest.
Notice the entire picture: Some people become obsessed with the idea of
body reading and end up focusing only on one point of analysis, when, in
fact, the ideal scenario would be to observe the entire situation: if the person
is sweating, how is the breath, if they touch their face and so on;
Realize standard behaviors: If a person is always bouncing, you do not need
to analyze it. Now if the person is always bouncing and, from one moment to
another, the behavior changes, then you need to pay attention;
Stay tuned for these details: just know that if you already like or dislike a
person, it will affect the judgment you make of them. If the person
compliments you or if you find her attractive, maybe your judgments about
them are favorable, even if you do not realize it - things of the human
unconscious.
So, did you already know that body language may end up revealing some
information that we do not make clear through words?
Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication
Body language tells who we are, how we feel or what our tastes are. In the
interaction, the nonverbal behavior also informs our degree of understanding
and level of agreement, and can even deny what we are saying at that
moment.
Unfortunately, in real life it does not happen as on the screen of our browser:
no alert message reminds us that cookies will take advantage of any oversight
to deliver valuable information about us, something that will inevitably affect
the way we relate to others. And even if we were warned, we would probably
act as we do when surfing the web: we would ignore cookies and continue
looking for the next website. Big mistake!
Speaking is much more than gathering words in a more or less fortunate way;
listening is much more than hearing and communicating is much more than
sending and receiving data packets. To communicate is to share rational and
emotional information, agreeing with the other person on its meaning and
value. And that is not fully achieved without the intervention of nonverbal
behavior.
Speaking and body language accompanies us long before we become
humans, is strongly linked to the emotional, intuitive and instinctive part of
our brain, and develops mainly on the unconscious plane.
Perhaps our species is not more than 200,000 years old, but the origin of our
body language dates back to the appearance of the first mammals, about 300
million years ago. The age difference is abysmal. And although the arrogance
of our brand-new neo-cortex invites us to think that nonverbal behavior is the
most primitive part of communication, in reality, it is that which accumulates
the most evolutionary experience and, in all probability, the most influential
in our behavior.

Tips to Improve Your Non-Verbal Communication

These practical tips are the first step to become aware of your body language
and improve your way of communicating with others.
The instinct and emotions are faithful friends since long before the reason
was born. As intelligent and rational as we are, the truth is that nonverbal
behavior, emotions, and the unconscious handle our way of communicating
at will and go around telling everything about us.

Who Are the Best Non-Verbal Communicators?

Precisely for this reason, the best non-verbal communicators are those who
are aware of their body language, people capable of monitoring their behavior
and of calibrating the effect it produces on others. There is no exact profile
scientifically established, although they are usually observers, with a broad
perspective, and open to new experiences and realities. Traits such as
emotional stability and empathy also help.
It may be easier to recognize them in the world of art and communication, but
they are equally common in all professions. Some studies show that the most
influential and persuasive people have a great awareness of their own and
other people's body language, regardless of the professional field in which
they have triumphed. It is a fundamental condition for success.
Becoming a good nonverbal communicator requires, therefore, developing
self-awareness of body behavior, in the same way, that elite athletes perfect
the condition of their muscles. The good news is that both skills can be
developed with training. In addition, we can do it on our own, and at any time
and circumstance.
It's a matter of concentration and to focus attention on the main channels of
body language, seeking its congruence and synchronicity with words.

The 7 Channels of Body Language

Nonverbal behavior is expressed mainly through seven channels that,
together with verbal discourse, makeup communication.
Facial Expressions: Facial expressions are the most powerful emotional
indicator and the first thing we focus our attention to when interacting.
Within fractions of a second, our emotional brain decides at its own risk
whether a face is likable or not, a process in which reason does not intervene
initially, and in which there is no time to utter a single word. In the face, the
seven basic emotions are reflected in an innate and universal way: joy,
surprise, sadness, fear, anger, disgust, and contempt. Each one has its own
code. Learn to distinguish them, essential to master body language.
Gestures: The gestures have a high cultural component, although the latest
lines of research also investigate the genetic origin of some gestures, such as
expressions of pride, triumph, and power.
Posture: The body posture expresses a degree of interest and openness
towards people, reflected in the exposure and in the orientation of the torso.
Visually, the position also has a great impact on our personal image,
especially to convey confidence, stability, and security.
Appearance: Appearance continues to be one of the most influential
channels of communication, despite social advances and the normative effort
in the fight for equality. The appearance of a person tells us about their age,
sex, origin, culture, profession, or social and economic condition, among
many other data. As much as we try to avoid stereotypes, appearance is still
the main source of information when forming the first impression of
someone. And you know, there is not a second chance to make a good first
impression. Some studies also credit the influence of appearance on
persuasions, such as the uniform in the security forces or the white coat in the
case of doctors.
Haptic: Haptic defines the scientific study of touch and its influence on the
way we relate. Touch is essential when establishing intimacy, denotes
commitment, and reveals very sensitive information, such as the position of
the domain in the interaction. Recent research shows, even, the power of
touch when influencing the behavior of others, as occurs between doctors and
patients. Physical contact has a marked cultural component: in Latin and
Arab countries it is much greater, for example, than in North America or
Japan. A brief and light touch in "uncommitted" areas of the body (arms,
shoulders and upper back) can be definitive to establish a good relationship.
Proxemics: It is the most direct channel of body language at the time of
coming close or going distant. Proxemics has its origin in anthropology and
informs us of the use of space in interaction. Some authors divide the
distance between individuals in intimate (-45 cms), personal (between 45 cms
and 120 cms), social (+120 cms) and public (+360 cms), depending on the
type of relationship. The truth is that each person has their own space, and
can also vary according to their mood or environmental circumstances. The
important thing is two things:
1st - The simplest way to show us close is to physically approach our
interlocutor;

2nd - We must pay close attention to any sign of discomfort generated by

our approach.

Paralanguage: Voice can say much more than words. Paralanguage is the
most reliable emotional indicator, along with facial expressions. The volume,
tone or speed of our voice reveals important information, especially when we
try to hide our emotions. It often happens to us, for example, when talking on
the phone with very close people: it is enough to listen to their tone when
answering to know that something is not right. The voice also has a huge
influence on credibility and persuasion: nasal voices, high pitched tones, and
high volumes have less credit in public. And remember: silence also
communicates.
Other channels such as chronémica and oculésica specialize in the value that
time and eyes have in non-verbal communication, although both are
characterized by their transversal nature and are present in most of the seven
main channels.
 Chapter 7: NLP

Neuro-Linguistic Programming has to do with the study of thoughts (neuro)

and language (linguistic) in a systemic way and the scripts that run the life of
an individual (programming).
It deals with the understanding and the development of the mind and the
entire understanding of the language of the mind in relation to the way it is
designed to function and the ways in which it is molded by the personal
experiences of an individual. It is simply a study of a person's subjective
reality.
A proper understanding of the language of the mind influences every aspect
of a person’s life from his relationship with others to his communication
skills with friends and clients to the general outcome of a person’s life. It is a
holistic study that puts the spirit, body, past and present of an individual into
consideration.
As Homo sapiens who are gifted with the ability to think, it is presumed that
our most important function is the thought or the thinking function. NLP,
however, brings one to the understanding of the fact that no thought process
exists in a vacuum, as they are a product of a person's perspective. It has a
presupposition of perception as reality and it holds that the things, we think
are colored by the way we think.
For different individuals there are different ways of thinking and interpreting
reality. What NLP does is assist in the understanding of these various
representational systems to help each person narrow down his own system. It
helps in the understanding of the three different types of thinking patterns
which are:
● Visual: deals with both pictures and visual metaphors.
● Auditory: sound (hearing).
● Kinesthetic: deals with the five senses, as well as gut feelings.
In NLP, a person is thought to take absolute control of his mind and
ultimately his life. Unlike what is obtainable in psychoanalysis, which places
its focus on “why,” NLP presents a more practical approach with its focus on
the “how.”

How NLP Works

If you are just coming across this topic for the first time, NLP may appear or
seem like magic or hypnosis. When a person is undergoing therapy, this topic
digs deep into the unconscious mind of the patient and filters through
different layers of beliefs and the person's approach or perception of life to
deduce the early childhood experiences that are responsible for a behavioral
pattern.
In NLP, it is believed that everyone has the resources that are needed for
positive changes in their own lives. The technique adopted here is meant to
help in facilitating these changes.
Usually, when NLP is taught, it is done in a pyramidal structure. However,
the most advanced techniques are left for those multi-thousand-dollar
seminars. An attempt to explain this complicated subject is to state that the
NLPer (as those who use NLP will often call themselves) is always paying
keen attention to the person they are working on/with.
Usually, there is a large majority of NLPers that are therapists and they are
very likely to be well-meaning people. They achieve their aims by paying
attention to those subtle cues like the movement of the eyes, flushing of the
skin, dilation of the pupil and subtle nervous tics. It is easy for an NLP user
to quickly determine the following:

The side of the brain that the person uses predominantly.

The sense (smell, sight, etc.) that is more dominant in a person’s
brain.
The way the person’s brain stores and makes use of information
(the NLPer can deduce all this from the person’s eye movement).
When they are telling a lie or concocting information.
When the NLP user has successfully gathered all this information, they begin
to mimic the client in a slow and subtle manner by not only taking on their
body language, but also by imitating their speech and mannerisms, so that
they begin to talk with the language patterns that are aimed at targeting the
primary senses of the client. They will typically fake the social cues that will
easily make someone let their guard down so that they become very open and
suggestible.
For example, when a person’s sense of sight is their most dominant sense, the
NLPer will use a language that is very laden with visual metaphors to speak
with them. They will say things like: “do you see what I am talking about?”
or “why not look at it this way?” For a person that has a more dominant sense
of hearing, he will be approached with an auditory language like: “listen to
me” or “I can hear where you’re coming from.”
To create a rapport, the NLPer mirrors the body language and the linguistic
patterns of the other person. This rapport is a mental and physiological state
which a human being gets into when they lose guard of their social senses. It
is done when they begin to feel like the other person who they are conversing
with is just like them.
Once the NLPer have achieved this rapport, they will take charge of the
interaction by leading it in a mild and subtle manner. Thanks to the fact that
they have already mirrored the other person, they will now begin to make
some subtle changes in order to gain a certain influence on the behavior of
the person. This is also combined with some similar subtle language patterns
which lead to questions and a whole phase of some other techniques.
At this point, the NLPer will be able to tweak and twist the person to
whichever direction they so desire. This only happens if the other person
can’t deduce that there is something going on because they assume
everything that is occurring is happening organically or that they have given
consent to everything.
What this means is that it is quite hard to make use of NLP to get other
people to act out of character, but it can be used to get a person to give
responses within their normal range of character. This may come in the form
of getting them to donate to a charitable cause, or finally making the decision
they had been putting off or getting them to go home with you for the night if
they had considered it at some previous point.
At this point, what the NLP user seeks to do may be to either elicit or anchor.
When they are eliciting, they make use of both leading and language to get
the person to an emotional state of say, sadness. Once they can elicit this
state, they can then lead it on with a physical cue by touching the other
person's shoulder for example.
According to theory, whenever the NLP user touches the person's shoulder in
the same manner, the same emotional state will resurface if they do it again.
However, this is only made possible by the successful conditioning of the
other person.
When undergoing NLP therapy, it is very possible for the therapist to adopt a
content-free approach, which means the therapist can work effectively
without taking a critical look at the problem or without even knowing about
the problem at all. This means that there is room for privacy for the client as
the therapist does not really need to be told about whichever event took place
or whatever issue happened in the past.
Also, prior to the commencement of the therapy, there is an agreement which
ensures that the therapist cannot disclose any information; hence the
interaction between the therapist and the client remains confidential.
In NLP, there is the belief in the need for the perfection of the nature of
human creation, so every client is encouraged to recognize the sensitivity of
the senses and make use of them in responding to specific problems. As a
matter of fact, NLP also holds the belief that it is possible for the mind to find
cures to diseases and sicknesses.
The techniques employed by NLP have to do with a noninvasive, medicine-
free therapy that enables the client to find out new ways of handling
emotional issues such as low self-esteem, lack of confidence, anxiety and
destructive relationship patterns. It is also a successful tool in effective
bereavement counseling.
With its roots in the field of behavioral science, which was developed by
Skinner, Pavlov and Thorndike, NLP makes use of the combination
physiology and the unconscious mind to bring about change in the thought
process and ultimately the behavior of a person.

The Importance of NLP

Neuro-Linguistic Programming is not only necessary for the understanding of
a person's being, but it also helps in the understanding of the way an
individual is. It helps a person to get deep into the root cause of the problem,
as well as the foundation of their being.
Here are some other reasons why NLP is important:
● It helps people take responsibility for the things that they feel they may
not be able to control. With the help of NLP, it is possible for a person to
change the way they react to events of the past and have a certain level of
control over their future.
● It is very important for people to be aware of the body language of the
members of their inner circle, as well as those who they seek to do business
with. With NLP, it is possible to make use of language with both control and
purpose, and with this it is possible to have control over your life.
Remember, you cannot expect to make the same mistakes using the same
mindset and hope to get different results. During an NLP session, the focus is
placed entirely on the client as they are made the subject. This helps a lot
because at the point where a person can deal with his or herself as a person,
they gain more clarity into his or her dealings with other people.
● It helps to improve finance, sales performance, marriage, health issues,
parenting, customer service and every other aspect and phase of life. This is
because it helps in the holistic improvement of an individual and when a
person is whole, his interactions and relationship with himself and other
people become whole as well.
● It assists in targeting your beliefs, thoughts and values and helps with the
targeting of a person’s brain functions, as well as developing certain
behaviors. It also shapes the way these behaviors metamorphoses into habits
and how the habits change to actions which in turn comes as results.
NLP is applicable in different vocations and professions. This is a tool that is
very important in the mastery of sales, personal development experts and
self-help, teaching, communication, parenting and other facets of life.
 Chapter 8: Brainwashing

The Dark psychology of brainwashing

Today, we are bombarded with mind control techniques daily. There are
many different types and levels of mind control. We will go over an overview
of the types, and we'll talk about some examples of them. There are three
basic levels of mind control. Each level corresponds with a different type of
psychology. So far no technology can control what you choose to believe. So
We will talk about the methods to defend it, and we will also look at some of
the implications that it have on civilizations. Mind control skills are used
against for the obvious reason, whether it’s politically or scientifically
speaking. Simply by existing in a society, we are constantly subject to
manipulation sway or indoctrination.
The first-level appeals to consciousness. The second level corresponds to
unconsciousness, and the last level appeals to biological. Now in terms of
psychology, the first one consciousness has to do cognitive psychology.
Cognitive means being aware of what's going on. The second one is
unconsciousness, which corresponds with behavioral psychology and while
the last one is biological psychology, which talks about psychiatry. This is
where you can try to control the mind using physical things like drugs and
electrical shock. Every mind control technique fits into its own methods.
Some of the mind-control technique will fit into one of these levels while
some mind techniques will fit in between two of them. But every mind
control technique fits inside the sun part of the chart. Now let us talk about
the different levels of my control and what fits in between.
The conscious level
The first level is the Conscious level. The cognitive mind-control level; this
level is the level that deals with information. It does not talk about
punishment or physical pain. It appeals to your reason. The basic forms of
this are education and ideological indoctrination.
A good example of this is when you get your driver's license. You take to
decide to take fighting classes, and you learn the rules of the road, and the
intention is to make you behave a certain way when you are driving. Now,
most people don't have a problem with this because if you don't behave a
certain way when you drive, then you will have a problem.
So ideological indoctrination is the worldview and your philosophy, and what
you're educated in, in your worldview. So this includes your political choice,
your education, your religious education, and even your science education.
Now this means how do you view the World, and by what you were dictated
by. Now at this level, you have to mention the fact, which means information.
Now because propaganda has been abused in the past, people normally have
a negative view of it.
Now the basic idea is that somebody wants you to view the world in a certain
way, so they are educating you to do so. Propaganda is just information
control. Now information control isn't that bad. For instance, have you ever
seen a billboard that says that 50000 people die when driving and drinking?
Now that is propaganda, and it is not bad. Hitler used propaganda to educate
Germany into the idea that all Germany problem was because of the Jews.
Now that is bad propaganda.

The Unconscious or behavioral psychology

Now let's look at the next level of mind control, which is unconscious or
behavioral psychology. This does not appeal to the Conscious mind. It is an
attempt to control somebody without his or her conscious decision being
involved. The biggest school of psychology is behavioral psychology that
comes from Pablo psychology. A great example of that is the story of the
man that ring the bell for the dog to salivate that we talked about above. So
this deals with stimulus-response. Stimulus means when something happens
– in the man and the dog case, it’s ringing the bell. Response - in the man and
the dog case, is the dogs salivating. Now, this does not appear to be a
conscious mind. The dog did not decide to salivate; they just did it
automatically. Now unlike the Conscious level, this level often includes
physical pain, punishment, and torment.
For instance, you can implant a commanding chip in somebody so that when
they hear the command, which is the stimulus, they will go and do
something, which is the response. It is a stimulus-response. The person that is
programmed to do that thing doesn't decide to do it because it is an automatic
response, and in fact, he doesn't even know that he is being programmed
because that thing is in the subconscious. It is at this point that we have
hypnosis, and the reason why it’s so is that hypnosis is implanted commands
into the subconscious.
For instance, there is the operator that says when I say bubble gum bark like a
dog. So the stimulus is the bubblegum, whereas the response is the barking
like a dog. Or the operator says when I snap my fingers, you should act like a
stripper. So he snaps his fingers, which is the stimulus, and acting like a
stripper is the response. Creating a stimulus-response mechanism is called
conditioning. Part of the conditioning is programming somebody to associate
pain or pleasure with something. Now another part of this level is called
punishment. Punishment is an attempt to make somebody associate pain with
undesirable behavior.
Now let’s if you have a kid and the kid flicks the switch off. Now on the
Conscious level, you could sit your child down and explain to the child why
it is wrong, and hopefully, your child would make the decision not to do it
again. Now on the unconscious level, you can beat the hell out of the child
until the child tends to associate pain with switching the switch off and hope
and hope that doesn't do it again.
Now behaviorism is an attempt to control somebody's behavior like the way
you train a dog using the rewards and punishments. Now the cognitive
approach is the best, and this is the level where we have brainwashing, or
interrogation. And you will do this using physical pain to control someone.
Now another note about brainwashing is that it has the word washing, which
means to wipe something away and to wash it away. The word brainwashing
comes from a technique that was used in China, which is called political re-
education. The idea is that when you want to wash something away, you put
something else in its place.
In the MK-ultra program, the psychiatrist called it de-patterning. Now when
you take somebody from their religion and use mind control techniques, you
will be able to wipe out their religious beliefs and put another belief in his
place. This is called programming. So under brainwashing, we have political
re-education, we have the patterning, and we also have religious education or
de-programming.

Biological psychology
Now the last level is Biology, which equates to biological psychology or
psychiatrist. Now at this level, you are attempting to control someone’s
behavior through physical interventions. Physical interventions include brain
surgery, drugs, electrical shock, or implanting something into the brain. Now
for the child that flipped the switch off, the cognitive approach will be sitting
the child down and explain to him why is wrong now. The behavioral
approach will be to spank him, and the biological approach will be to give
him a psychotic drug. Or a remote control robot. Now those are the basic
levels. Many different types of mind control techniques that fit into these
levels, but we will not be going deep into them.
Now in between the Conscious and unconscious levels, there are different
levels to control somebody's behavior, and we are constantly subjected to this
daily. One of these techniques is public relations, and it is aimed to make you
feel a certain way about something. Now, this is not to just make you feel
good about something. It can make bad about a competitor, a group, or a
person. And it is called Black public relations. Now another mind control
technique is marketing and advertisement. There is a reason why half-naked
girls hold a can of beer. Another mind control technique that falls between
the Conscious and unconscious level of mind control is pandering, and the
word pandering means to fulfill a moral desire. A prostitute pandas to a
sexual desire. A drug dealer pandas to an addiction.
So what this means is that you're controlling someone by giving them what
they want. Now under pandering, future control by destruction is included,
and that includes television, pornography, and video games. And another
mind-control technique on the biological level is addiction. Manipulative
people keep their victims to them by making them addicted to drugs. And
beyond that, there is a reason why caffeine has been added to soft drinks, and
there is a reason why energy has been added to fast food, and there is a
reason why sugar is added to almost everything in the grocery store, it’s
because it is a type of mind control.
Now the last technique, which is at the very bottom and is when you give up
on trying to control the person's mind and you restrain them. An example is a
straightjacket, institutionalization, imprisonment, and heavy tranquilizer.
Now, if everything fails and you can't control the person's mind, there is still
something left, and that thing is to shoot the person. So that is basically what
dark psychology brainwashing is all about
 Chapter 9: Mind Games

First, having gone through in what constitutes body language, the role of
body language and how to read body language then it is important that one
learns on ways of benefitting from reading the body language of people. In
this context, the benefit realized from reading the body language of people is
not to torment or use people but rather to enhance your interests that are
acceptable such as increasing business deals.
Secondly, mind control refers to a context where one is taken advantage of
and appears not to have the mental willpower to understand or control what is
happening to him or others. Even though mind control may involve
hypnotizing, it mostly occurs without using hypnosis. One of the ways of
controlling the mind of another person is to mirror their body language and
create a communication rhythm making the person feel connected to you.
People that employ mind control are seeking short-term or instant gains,
especially by controlling your emotions and how you react to their emotions.
From an ethical viewpoint, mind control largely qualifies as unethical. The
moral question arises because one is tapping into the weaknesses of the target
person to accomplish your interests. For instance, one can mind control you
to make sell an insurance package that you do not need, but the seller needs
to be paid. A partner may mind control to enhance loyalty levels in the
relationship, which may not be what you are genuinely feeling. As such, with
mind control, the question of ethicality dominates the application of mind
control.
Fortunately, through understanding body language, one can detect an attempt
for controlling their minds and activate defensive measures. First, take note
of attempted body language reading to win over a difficult customer or
person. At one point, you have encountered a difficult person to understand
and get along with despite the best of your efforts. Armed with body
language reading competencies, you can correctly analyze their tone, posture,
touch, eye contact, and facial expressions to connect with the individual
correctly. Similarly, a person trying to control your mind will try to read all
these body language cues. For instance, they will employ paralinguistic
skills; try to strike a rapport with the person. Some customers are defensive,
but if you are armed with, body language reading skills, then you will easily
manage to manipulate them to your advantage. Similarly, the manipulating
individual will try to apply these tactics on you. For instance, the
manipulating person will try to read if you speak in high-pitched voice, then
probably the customer is angry or frustrated by workload or other life issues.
Using this knowledge, you can predict how the manipulating person will
react to your voice pitch.
Secondly, most manipulators target negative feedback and negative emotions
because this is where most people show weakness and create room for mind
control. A manipulator will exploit body language to create perceptions of
care, love, and sympathy as well as empathy that most people fall for during
their challenging moments. By realizing that you are most vulnerable to
manipulation when processing negative news and negative emotions, you
will be able to manifest high mental awareness levels.
Expectedly, most manipulators that want mind control will seek to precipitate
conflict and take advantage of the festering differences. However, by learning
and applying effective conflict resolution can be realized by reading the body
language of the target person. Assuming that you are an arbiter in a conflict,
you should read the body language of the feuding parties to discover any
shared ground and the emotive issues. Individuals will show panic,
uneasiness, and stiffness when emotive issues are raised such as grinning,
crossing arms, breathing fast, and showing cold stare. Individuals will nod if
something they agree to is mentioned. They may also stamp their feet, clap
hands, and shake hands to show a willingness to talk or strike a compromise.
An arbiter will use reading body language to identify hardliners and use body
language to thaw the hard stance of such people. The participants themselves
can also read the body language of the other party and appreciate their stance
and attempt to initiate meaningful conversation. All these combined efforts
will give one an edge in solving conflicts.
Furthermore, watch out for attempts to make conversations interesting. We
also would like to enliven conversations, but it is not always the case, and
manipulators understand this. One effective way that manipulators use is to
improve how other people perceive them is to understand their status and
adjust your words and body language. For instance, if a manipulator reads the
body language of the other person and realizes that, he or she is feeling
disinterested or exhausted; he or she can suggest a break or crack a joke.
Through eye contact, you can make the other person feel recognized and
wanted to join in the conversation. If the entire group or audience feels
disinterested in the conversation by yawning, slouching on their chairs,
crossing their legs, and losing eye contact, then the speaker should conduct a
quick self-feedback and adjust the communication. It is important to watch
out for deliberate attempts to make you attached to the conversation.
Relatedly, taking advantage of reading body language can help one to
recognize any dishonesty and pretense in a conversation and help you notice
the lack of honesty from the manipulator. Focusing on verbal communication
alone is not enough to accurately determine if one is pretending. For instance,
your child may say that he is comfortable going out to play while his body
language suggests otherwise. For instance, the child could be replying in a
high-pitched voice and laugh sarcastically that he or she is comfortable going
out to play. The parent will use this body language to address the true feeling
of the child. In an intimate relationship, determining the true emotional status
of your partner is critical for peaceful and constructive interaction. For
instance, if your partner states that she believes you, but her voice is high-
pitched, and she is throwing gestures randomly, then chances are that she
does not, and, in fact, she is angry with you.
Relatedly exploiting body language reading can make one make a good first
impression, and you should critically analyze the first impression. A good
first impression is critical when selling, during an interview, and when
seeking a life partner. Armed with reading body language one can
deliberately enhance positive body language such as nodding to a speech,
using gestures when necessary and speaking in a low-pitched voice to sound
professional. When one feels tired and wants to shuffle feet or lower eye
contact, one can compensate for that by interrupting the speaker to ask a
question or take notes. Expectedly, one will offer a firm handshake and
accompany it with a smile. Making a good first impression can improve and
open opportunities for you in the case of negotiation, interviews, making
sales, and seeking a marriage partner.
Furthermore, taking advantage of the body language can help one to correctly
identify issues in a relationship by analyzing body language. Apart from just
reading the body language and improving social and intimate relationships,
one can also use reading body language to determine the presence of issues in
relationships, which includes identifying attempts of mind control. For
instance, you might notice that when you talk on certain issues with your
partner, his or her body language suggests defensiveness and anger. For this
reason, reading the body language can help get to the underlying issue even
in cases where the partner is determined not to open up. Using body language
to identify issues can also help a parent to determine what is bothering a child
in cases where the child retreats to its world. The parent can try talking over
general issues as well as specific issues and watch the body language of the
child to guess the issues or challenges that the child is facing.
Equally important, effectively teaching or sharing ideas can be enhanced by
reading the body language of the target audience. A manipulator will seek to
adjust the experience to prioritize their needs rather than mutual needs. For
instance, a teacher can improve understanding of the students by taking note
of signs of lack of concentration such as yawning or staring at the ceiling.
However, if the teacher wants to attain mind control, then he or she will
manipulate the body language to prioritize only his or her needs over the
others. Just like verbal communication, body language can also contain noise
where the nonverbal cues of communication distort the intended message.
Outside the teaching context, one can improve on sharing ideas by reading
the body language of the audience and evoking the desired emotion and
reaction. For instance, one should ensure that the target audience is relaxed
and alert by evaluating the sitting posture, eye contact, and facial expressions
before starting a presentation. Sharing ideas effectively depends on accurate
timing and actors, orators, and politicians understand this well.
Finally, taking advantage of reading body language will lead to improved
emotional intelligence and social skills to make one more appealing and
understanding. Emotional intelligence involves being aware of how you feel
and acknowledging how others feel to enhance mutual understanding. For
this reason, body language is a critical avenue to read the emotional status of
the other person. Emotional intelligence requires correctly reading the
emotional status of an individual to enable you to empathize with how they
feel. Against this backdrop, reading the body language of a target audience
gives an added advantage to an individual to evoke and apply social skills as
well as understand self-deeper. Think of speaking to a colleague and
manifesting nonverbal cues that you are offended, but the person is not
registering what you are feeling. In this context, effective communication will
not only be hampered, but the social relationship will also be affected
negatively.
Activity
Watch the movie "The Wolfstreet" and observe how
manipulation works
Watch the movie "Get Hard" with lead actor Kevin Hart and
assess if the hand gestures align with verbal communication.
If possible, watch the entire movie and note the gestures and
facial expressions exhibited when one is angry.
 Chapter 10: Hypnotism

Although brainwashing is a very common mind control method that so many

people may already be aware of, there is also an important type of mind
control that many people may be aware of. This is known as hypnosis and
should be given as much importance as the others.
Generally, most of those that know a thing or two about hypnosis get their
knowledge from stage plays where the actors perform ridiculous acts. What is
seen in plays is also a type of hypnosis, but there is a lot more to it than what
is portrayed in these shows.
Hypnosis, according to experts, comes from a state of consciousness dealing
with focused attention and the reduction of awareness on the peripheral level,
which deals with the ability of the participant to give a response to the
suggestions that are given. What this entails is the participant transcending to
an entirely different state of mind, making them more susceptible to taking
and acting on all the suggestions that the hypnotist makes.
There are two different theories that attempt to explain what really goes on
during the period of hypnosis. The first is known as the altered-state theory.
Those that belong to this school of thought are of the opinion that hypnosis is
like a trance or a state of the mind where the target discovers that their state
of awareness is different from what they would ordinarily notice when they
are conscious. The second theory is the non-state theory, which is of the
opinion that people who are hypnotized do not necessarily have to go into
another state of consciousness. Those that belong to this school of thought
believe that the hypnotist works with the target to enact an imaginative role.
 Image Source: Hypnosis And Suggestion

When a person is hypnotized, he learns to gain more concentration and focus

that is combined with a newly learned ability to concentrate a great deal to a
certain memory or thought. When they are in this state, the participant will be
able to filter through and block any source of distraction. Those that are
hypnotized are thought to be able to exhibit a high ability to respond to all the
suggestions they receive, especially when the hypnotist is the source of that
suggestion.
The process used to get the target to enter the state of hypnosis is known as
hypnotic induction and usually has to do with several suggestions and
instructions that serve as a tool for warming up.
Different experts hold different opinions concerning what the definition of
hypnosis is. This wide range of definitions comes from the fact that there is
an avalanche of circumstances that following the state of hypnosis. Two
different people cannot possibly have the same experience when they are
being hypnotized.
Below are some of these different definitions of hypnosis:
● Michael Nash says it is a special case of psychological regression.
● Ernest and Janet Hilgard, who have written extensively on the topic of
hypnosis, say it is a way that the body detaches from itself into a different
plane of consciousness.
● Two well-known social psychologists, Sarbin and Coe, use role theory as a
term to describe hypnosis. In this definition, the participant is the one that
plays the role of being hypnotized. They believe that the participants are not
actually in a state of being hypnotized, rather, they are acting as though they
are hypnotized.
● Hypnosis is defined by T.X. Barber in non-hypnotic behavioral parameters.
In this definition, the participant is said to give a definition to the task
motivation and then tag the situation they find themselves in as hypnosis
since they do not have any other name for the state they are in.
● In some of Weitzenhoffer's writings on hypnosis, he described hypnosis as
a state where a person's suggestibility is enhanced. In some of his more recent
writings, he goes further to define hypnosis as an act where one person
influences the other by exerting his influence on the other person with a
suggestion as a medium or agency.
● In Brennan and Gill's definition, a psychoanalytic concept which is known
as "regression in an ego's service" is used in describing the whole essence of
hypnosis. In this definition, the target is very ready to submit himself to a
state of hypnosis because it helps to boost their ego and makes them feel
better.
● Edmonston is of the belief that when a person enters a state of hypnosis,
they are simply destressing in a state of relaxation.
● Spiegel and Spiegel also add their voice to the topic, stating that hypnosis
has nothing to do with the biological capacity of the participant, as it is just
something that happens.
● Erickson thinks that hypnosis is an altered, inner-directed and a special
state where people function. According to him, the participant in a state of
hypnosis will still can function and take note of things that are happening
around them, but this is not as it is in their normal state since it is an altered
state.
When it comes to hypnosis, different people hold different opinions and
views about the topic. There are those who think that hypnosis is a real
phenomenon and they are often paranoid about the possibility of the
government or other bodies trying to take control of their minds. Other
people think that there is no such thing as hypnosis, so they think that it is
merely slight of the hand. It is quite possible that hypnosis is a mind control
tool that falls between the two schools of thought.
Induction:
This is the first stage of hypnosis. It is the phase that happens before the
participant fully goes into hypnosis. They are always introduced to a
technique known as the hypnotic induction technique. Over many years,
psychologists thought this was a tactic used in making the subject to go into a
hypnotic trance. This definition has changed the view of some psychologists
in modern times. According to some of the non-state theorists, this state can
be viewed from a slightly different angle. According to them, this stage is one
that heightens the expectations of the participants concerning the things that
are going to happen. Here they try to give a definition to the role that they are
going to play and try to get themselves to focus their attention in the right
direction. This stage also puts the participant through any other step that will
help him go in the right direction for hypnosis.
There are many different induction techniques that are used during hypnosis
but the most recognized and influential is Braid's ‘eye fixation' technique,
otherwise known as Braidism. This approach has many different applications,
including the Stanford Hypnotic Susceptibility Scale (SHSS), which is the
most common tool when it comes to hypnosis.
To make use of SHSS, you are required to follow a couple of steps. The first
of these steps is to find an object that is bright, like a watch, then place it
between your middle finger and your thumb finger in your left hand. It is best
for you to hold this object about eight to fifteen inches away from the eyes of
the person that is to be hypnotized. It should be placed anywhere above the
person's forehead so that it can produce a lot of strain to their eyelids and
eyes during the process, and such that the participant will always be able to
fix their gaze on the object. Make sure you tell the participants that they must
stare at the object.
They also need to create an idea for that object then focus their mind
completely on that idea. They should not think of any other thing at this point
or let their mind's eye drift to the thought of whether the process is going to
be successful. If this is done properly, the eyes of the participants will begin
to dilate after a short time, and within a little more time they will begin to
move in a wavy motion.
At the point when the middle and the forefingers of the left hand are moved
away from the object, the participant is likely to close their eyes
involuntarily. If this happens, it means that the participant has entered a
trance. If they don’t, then the process will have to be repeated for the
participant and they should be made aware that they are expected to close
their eyes as soon as the fingers are moved in the same motion. This will then
allow them to enter the hypnotic state.
Although Braid stood firmly by this technique, he agreed that the use of the
induction technique of hypnosis may not be required for every case. As a
matter of fact, it was discovered recently that the induction technique does
not have any effect on the hypnotic suggestion as experts were made to
believe (Smith 2014). Over many years, there were some other variations
and alternatives of the initial version of the hypnotic induction technique
even though Braid's technique was regarded as the best.

Suggestion:
This is the second phase of hypnosis which is known as the suggestion stage.
It is worthy of note that at the point when Braid first talked about hypnosis,
he didn't make any mention of the term “suggestion.” Rather, he referred to
this second phase as the stage where the participant focuses their conscious
mind on a dominant idea.
Braid was able to do this by stimulating or reducing the function of the
person's psychological functioning in different parts of the body of the
participant. He later began to place even more emphasis on the possibility
some verbal and non-verbal forms of suggestion to be able to get the
participant's mind into a hypnotic state. This hypnotic state of the mind will
include making use of “waking suggestions” and self-hypnosis.
Hippolyte Bernheim, another popular hypnotist, also proceeded in making a
shift on the emphasis of the physical state of the hypnosis process to the
psychological process that has to do with verbal suggestions. According to
him, the art of hypnotism is the induction of a certain physical condition that
is spectacular and that will boost the susceptibility of any suggestion the
hypnotist makes to the participant. Many times, the hypnotic state that is
already induced is going to help in facilitating the suggestion the hypnotist
makes. In modern hypnotism, a lot of different forms of suggestions are used
to achieve success such as insinuations, metaphors, non-verbal or indirect
suggestions, direct verbal suggestions and other similar figures of speech and
suggestions that do not come in a verbal form. Some of these paralinguistic
suggestions may be used during the suggestion stage and all have to do with
manipulation, mental imagery and the voice tonality. One of the differences
in the types of suggestion that the participant will be offered includes the
suggestions that are given with permission or the ones that are given in a
more authoritarian manner.
One of the major things that should be considered when it comes to the topic
of hypnosis is the point of diversion between the conscious and the
unconscious mind. For many hypnotists, the suggestion stage is viewed as a
means of communication that is directed mostly towards the subject's
conscious mind. There are some others who hold an opposing view to this
though. According to these other hypnotists, there is a communication
between the agent and the subconscious or unconscious mind. However,
Bernheim, Braid and other hypnotists that existed in the Victorian age
believed that any suggestion at all is delivered straight up to the
consciousness of the participant's mind rather than the unconscious part of the
mind. Braid further defines the act of hypnotism as the focused attention on
either the suggestion or the idea that is more dominant.
Most people fear that the hypnotists will have access to their subconscious
state and will be able to influence them to do and think things that they will
not be able to control. This fear is quite baseless as according to those that go
with the train thought, it is simply not possible. When it comes to the
different conceptions about the suggestion, the nature of the mind is also a
determining factor. There are some people who hold the belief that the
responses given are from the unconscious mind, such was the case of Milton
Erickson. This brings up other cases of the use of indirect suggestions, like in
stories or metaphors. Many of these indirect suggestions usually hide their
intended meanings so that they can hide from the subject's conscious mind.
There is also a form of hypnosis known as a subliminal suggestion, which
relies totally on the theory of the unconscious mind. If it is possible for the
unconscious mind to be left out of hypnosis, it wouldn't be possible to have
this kind of suggestion. However, it is quite easy to point out the differences
between these two. For those that believe that the conscious mind is the
primary recipient of the suggestion, stories and metaphors that have hidden
meanings will be used. In any of the theories of thought, the subject will have
to be able to place his focus on one idea or an object. This will help them to
be moved in the direction that they need to go so that they will be able to
enter a hypnotic state.
As soon as the suggested state has been successfully entered, the participant
will now be able to proceed to the third stage which is the susceptibility
stage.

Susceptibility:
Over the years, it was noted that different people have different reactions to
hypnosis. There are people who find it easy to fall into the hypnotic trance
and do not have to try very hard to fall into it. For other people, even though
it may take a prolonged period, they will be able to get into hypnosis if they
put in some effort. There are also other people that will not be able to get into
the hypnotic trance, even with continued efforts.
The interesting thing that researchers have discovered about the susceptibility
of different subjects is that it remains a constant factor. A person that gets
into the hypnotic trance easily will likely remain that way for the rest of their
life. Similarly, A person that gets into the hypnotic trance with difficulty or
one that has never reached the hypnotic state at all will most likely never be
hypnotized. Over time, different models have been developed to determine
the participant’s susceptibility to hypnosis. Some older depth scales have
worked to make inferences on the level of the participant’s trance using the
available signs that were observed. These signs include such things as
amnesia. There are some more modern scales that will work for measuring
the degree of the self-evaluated or the responsiveness that will be observed to
the suggestion tests which are given like the direct suggestions of the rigidity
of the arm.
In her research, Deirdre Barrett came up with the idea that two types of
subjects exist that are highly susceptible to the effects of hypnosis. These two
groups are known as the dissociates and the fantasizers.
The fantasizers will score very high on the absorption scale and they will be
able to block out every stimulus of the outside world easily without making
use of hypnosis. This type of person typically spends a good amount of time
daydreaming. They will have had imaginary friends in their childhood and
are also very likely to have grown up in an environment where there was a lot
of encouragement for imaginary play.
On the other hand, those who are dissociated will often emerge from a
traumatic background or may have experienced abuse in their childhood.
However, they find it easy to get over those unpleasant events and can
transition into a state of numbness. Instead of creating fantasies, people in
this group would rather go blank when they daydream.
These two groups will score very high when they undergo the test of hypnotic
susceptibility and the test will include the difficulties that arises from Post-
traumatic Stress Disorder as well as Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Applications of Hypnosis
The concept or field of hypnosis has been in practice for a very long time and
as a result of there have been different emerging ways of application which
assist in making sure that the process of hypnosis is put to good use.
The application of hypnosis cuts across many fields of life, from
entertainment to military uses to self-improvement and even medicine. There
are some areas that have only recently begun the use of hypnosis like
physiotherapy, forensics, sports and education.
Even artists have begun to use hypnotism to reach some of their creative
goals. One of the most well-known examples of such artists is Andre Breton.
Breton makes use of hypnosis as well as other techniques to enable him to
reach his creative purposes in surrealism.
Hypnosis is also now used widely when it comes to self-improvement as so
many people have decided to employ self-hypnosis in order to reach their
weight loss goals, to reduce stress or quit smoking. Below are some of the
fields where hypnosis have proven to be effective and an explanation of the
way the process has been put to work in those fields.
 Chapter 11: Dark Seduction

As social creatures, human beings have a long history of applying a number

of nonverbal signals to demonstrate an interest in other people or to enquire if
other individuals are interested in them. In the present day, with the modern
behavior, this has to turn out to be more complicated, though the certain
prehistoric gesture is still there and may be used with unbelievable
consequences. Seduction is not restricted to attracting the differing sex or the
identical sex depending on an individual’s sexual orientation.
On the other hand, the art of seduction is regarding getting other people
attracted to other people so they have more power over their affiliation with
them. Additionally, Seduction is a control game, which in most cases is
played at all levels of social life.
There are varied reasons why different sets of people play this game. For
instance, a man might desire to seduce a lady to take her to bed. On the other
hand, a woman may crave to seduce a wealthy gentleman so she might have a
contented financial lifestyle. From a different perspective, a singer might
want to seduce the audience with their charm so they may sell their music.
Similarly, a politician might fancy seducing the supporters to get the required
votes to enable them to win an electoral seat.

Seduction is to convince, or rather to corrupt

someone to do something one desires.
Seduction may be regarded as both positive and negative. From a broader
point of view, positively might be about appealing to somebody, making
somebody feel excellent or reducing their needless fears. On the other hand,
negatively might be using the lure to mislead individuals and get them to do
something that they might not usually do.
In the current world, people tend to deploy a series of body language and
verbal skills to help them use the art of seduction in a constructive manner to
get them what they want.

Seduction and the commonly referred to as the Art

of Seduction by some scholars is loaded with
ambiguities and obvious negations
At a time, it is regarded as so much that it might almost be perceived as a
paradoxical occurrence. Comparable to rape, to which it is often compared, it
is unquestionably manipulative. However, while its different stratagems
might at times be related to those of rape, it is fundamentally about procedure
and persuasion versus intimidation, physical force, and aggression.
More significant still, the pretense and machinations distinguishing seduction
are not completely single sided. Its execution characteristically involves one
individual, customarily the male, in the part of subjugator and the other
person, usually the lady, reacting passively as the subdued. While in rape
there is obviously an executor and casualty. However, by its very description,
seduction means positive mutuality, encompassing at least a number of
degrees of approval. In most cases the seducer is considered gentleman or
lady, though for simplicity’s sake many usually will refer to the gentleman as
seducer as contrasting, that is, to the lady as a seductress.
Apart from in sexual fantasies produced by the libido or rather ego stimulated
wish to be charismatically preferred, it may carefully be asserted that nobody
ever prefers to be raped. On the other hand, there are a lot of persons who
secretly crave for the pleasure, the thrill, the peculiarly of being the desirable
object of other people’s lust. This implies that there are times when the
person being seduced, can essentially be viewed as illogically complicit with
the seducer. Additionally, also ironically, if the person being seduced is
considered a virgin, the incorruptibility, artless, uncontaminated and
ingenuous may carry its own influential seductive attraction. For instance,
few men would oppose that a youthful lady not yet deflowered can project a
greatly more tempting, and enticing, eroticism than any hardcore, provoking
dressed prostitute.
Furthermore, though at its nastiest, seduction may be seen as disgracefully
repressive, it really cannot be described as challenging, intimidating, or
coercive. Moderately, it is charming, luring, tempting. And whereas it never
begins as consensual, eventually it concludes in that manner. In common
sense, it is like a concession to a delicious piece of chocolate.
Basically, nobody aimed a gun at a person and forcefully bullied them to eat
it. However there it was right in front of them and just so tempting that
ultimately it purely overwhelmed their will to refuse to accept.
It might be supposed that seduction pleads not to the seducer’s higher, more
ethical self but to their more spontaneous, romantic, sumptuous self. And this
might be why the feeling following their seduction might be total regret. The
extra positive feature of their ambivalence now confirmed the negative
element might well recover prominence.
Generally, this might be likely if, following the encounter, the person
seduced comes to consider their surrender as reflecting individual fault as
their giving in caved to other people’s desire. In addition, people might come
to know that they are being ardently made love to not at all signify that they
were cherished or cared about.
However, the emotional result of being seduced might also contrast harshly
to a person being seduced knowledge of being taken advantage of. For
instance, for a number of women, mostly those whose virginity was still
unbroken during the occasion might essentially feel freer or sexually liberated
by this exceptionally touching experience of letting themselves be used by
other people.
On the other hand, perhaps the person being seduced had been distressed by
religious, communal, illogical or overblown worries of sexually yielding
themselves to other people. Nevertheless, what they encountered in their
submission, and in allowing themselves an extraordinary expression of their
sensuality, may have felt like a pleasant liberation, particularly if the seducer
confirmed genuine interest in their pleasure.
Additionally, they may have experienced a wonderful sense of influence in
their feminine seductiveness, one that possibly they could never before
realize or treasured.
Generally, all this indicates the curious paradoxes or coating of seemingly
contrary meaning that might typify an experience able to affect people in
several ways. People may claim that seduction is just seduction and
constantly comprehensible in terms of one individual exploiting another
person. However, given the various complexities of human nature, that
assumption appears oversimplified.
On the other hand, it should nowadays be clear that at some point the person
being seduced assented to be seduced, that they had a specific positive
venture in the incident or else, of course, it would be considered rape.
 All the fairly probably positive response to seduction makes every black and
white understanding of the mark. It is definitely significant that the
innovative, Latin fabricated meaning of seducing is regarded as to lead astray
as from responsibility, righteousness, or the like basically to corrupt. In
addition, this morally focused description helps account for the implications
of the term.
However conscious of it they might be, a lot of persons from both sexes
desire to be seduced. They appreciate the concentration it would give or its
delightful, appetizing plea to their senses or the fulfillment of perceiving
themselves as erotically tempting; or, particularly, the pleasure of the other
individual’s so much desiring, craving for physical intimacy with them.
Generally, this frequently repeated quote speaks volumes as recounts to the
inherent art of seduction of women as well as the influential seductive
propensities of testosterone-oriented men. Additionally, it is barely a
coincidence that flirtatious behaviors have been connected quite as much to
ladies as they have to gentlemen, and ingeniously joking behaviors even
more so.
In the huge list of human experiences, powerful sexual arousal is
unquestionably among the most thrilling, at times, even stimulating. This is
the motive that so many people seek it and also clarifies why online
pornography is so well-liked and might straightforwardly become addictive.
Depending on its fundamental motives and result, it may be definitely
negative and, at its tremendous, result in condensed self-esteem, body image
troubles, sexual nervousness, or despair. However, it may also be
outstandingly satisfying and not just for the seducer but also the person being
seduced. Generally, both sets of people might find it expressively, as well as
erotically satisfying and providing a high capacity of permanent significantly
beyond the real encounter.

Factors to Be Considered While Seducing

Never Manipulate
Ladies and gentlemen do not like to be influenced. From a larger perspective,
it usually signals that either associate is straightforwardly fooled. As a matter
of fact, genuine relationship occurs in a vacuum, and every partner brings
their past to the discussion table. As a consequence, manipulation might bring
an extremely charged emotion. It is therefore advisable to avoid any kind of
manipulation during the procedure of seduction.

Independence
Generally, nobody adores a needy or overlying person in a relationship.
Gentlemen, in particular, do not like to feel controlled or to some level, put
under immense pressure. If a lady is controlling, they might remind men of
their mother, and men do not desire to be in a sexual relationship with the
mother. Further, neediness, for many people communicates submissive
aggression. As a result, it is significant when meeting somebody and dating
them for the first time to sit back and locate an individual center or rather a
personal source. People should not stay by the phone; instead, they should get
hobbies and interests that they enjoy taking part in. These may offer them not
only valid subjects to speak about, but matters to do that are attractive. In
case they get a life; they may share that personal life discussion. As a result,
this simply serves to make them more appealing and thrilling.
Be Yourself
If people put on a fabricated behavior with the individual they are dating,
they will never understand if they care for the real person. Additionally,
mutuality is vital during seduction, so the person has to be in apposition to
count on the person they are meeting and their maturity. To be intimate
requires honesty and emotional accessibility. It is accurate that people who
are considered open are more susceptible; though, no danger, no reward.
Consequently, one should not play games and they should not literally play
hard to get. Incase people play games, their date shall play with somebody
else.

Switch the Phone Off

During the seduction process, both parties should make eye contact and pay
attention to enthusiastically. People normally, do not like when a date is
abstracted and neither focused on them or on the occasion. This act is usually
regarded as discounting and abusive. On the other hand, when on a date,
people should not scan the area searching for or literally flirting with other
people. A key component of seduction is to value and authenticate the person
people are with, and if they are not concentrating, they will miss the occasion
by giving the mistaken feeling.

Spontaneous
While on a seductive motive, be good-humored, enjoy the moment and have
excitement. This conduct opens an individual to their genuine and
indispensable self, which is the most eye-catching an individual will ever be.
Basically, the originality of an individual gives out all those good defenseless
vibes of magnetism. Further, liveliness indicates a flirty and teasing approach
that is non-violent.

Sense of Humor
A high-quality sense of humor shows good traits, and there is nothing sexier
in a gentleman or a lady. While on a seduction mission, people should not,
take things too seriously or individually, and they should not be reactive;
rather they should be an excellent sport, and prove that they can take joking
as well as disapproval.

Get Personal
People should find ways to be close that have extraordinary meaning for just
the two of them. For instance, consider writing letters, romantic notes, and
send amusing cards. This act adds to expectation, enjoyable and mystery.
Relax
In most cases, people tend to get fed up easily; as a result, Stress reduction is
so significant during seduction. Ideally, not only must the seducer be calm,
but they desire to have a friendly character that helps their partner calm
down. In case the seducer has problems in this region, they must learn to
contemplate; they should do progressive recreation exercises, take a stroll,
listen to their favorite music and most significantly, get adequate sleep. In
most cases, Children tend to get cranky when they do not have sufficient
sleep, and so are grown-ups. A well-rested and stress-free individual might
handle all types of complex situations.
Listen and Show Interest
While on the seduction mission, the seducer should ask about their potential
painter’s life story before they spill all the beans regarding their own life.
People like conversing with reference to them and like telling people who
they really are. If an individual is a good listener, they will pay attention to
everything. Keep in mind that trust is based on familiarity. As result, when it
is the seducers turn to speak, it is better to assess what they share, then they
would not feel upset or betrayed if their potential partner is not worthy of
their trust.
Good Hygiene
People should pay good attention to their look, their breath, and their body
cleanliness. Irrespective of how attractive people are, if their hygiene is
unpleasant, they will in no way get the next date. Additionally, regardless of
what the seducer have heard, if they do not take pride in their appearance,
they might be dealing with uncertainty or low self-respect.
Body Language
The seducers body language points out whether they are self-assured or not.
Consequently, the seducer should be positive, smiling and have an
affirmative attitude. On the other hand, the seducer should not exceed flirting.
In case the seducer flirts with everybody, no one shall feel exceptional,
valued or important.
Lastly, there is a fine line connecting tolerance and determination. The
seducer ought to give their potential partner a chance to be open and never
put too much pressure or hurry the person under pursuing. Seduction, in
many situations, is all in people’s head, so how they present themselves is
how other people will perceive them.

Seducing a Man
Seducing a gentleman might seem like an impossible obstacle, particularly if
a lady is not familiar with high-quality flirting and seduction skills.
Be real in the seduction procedure from a general perspective, most
gentleman would have the same opinion that aside from the external
qualities, character and confidence is paramount in seduction. In addition,
nothing is more appealing than a lady who conducts herself well and radiates
sex appeal. This implies somebody who is contented in her own skin and who
recognizes what she wants from a gentleman.

Posture
A lady perusing a gentleman can instantaneously appear more seductive by
purely keeping her shoulders backward, chin upwards and making the correct
eye contact. In case the seduction process falls deep into the night, do not
forget that the correct clothing might give the lady an advantage as well.
This does not imply that the entire body has to be on put on a show, but a
flattering outfit might go a long way in influencing a gentleman. For the
majority gentleman, it does not even matter if the lady is plus size or rather
too bigger than they fancy. If men are looking at a lady, the literary want
what the lady has.
 Chapter 12: The Dark Psychology Triad

Introduction to the infamous dark triad

The dark triad may sound like something out of a Hollywood movie, but it is
actually the cornerstone of dark psychology and, by extension. The dark triad
refers to the three personality types that inspired the inception of dark
psychology. In fact, these three personality types are where the techniques
found in dark psychology stems from. What are these big three that are the
basis for a field of study that may seem so bizarre then?
People associate Machiavellianism with a political type who took ‘The
Prince’ a little too seriously; Narcissism as someone who is enamored with
their own image; and a Psychopath as someone straight out of a slashed film.
The real-life examples of these traits are more sinister than that as they can
easily slip under the radar and operate under the veil of the general public’s
ignorance.
The dark triad is associated with personality traits that show a strong link to
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Most people may find that they
manifest at least some of the qualities represented on the dark triad, but
people who have very high concentrations of one part of the triad or even
some combination of the three can be terribly destructive forces in any given
aspect of everyday life.
 Image Source: The Unity Process

Machiavellian Philosophy
This specific character trait interests most people because it has its roots, at
least in part, in a work of political philosophy written by the diplomat and
political philosopher, Niccolo Machiavelli, in the Renaissance era. While
imprisoned, he wrote a book detailing all the principles he deemed necessary
for rulers and would be rulers to acquire and retain power. This was sent to
the ruler at the time in the hopes that it would buy him some favor in the eyes
of price Di Medici.
While most people have some of these Machiavellian traits, they will seldom
act on them too often. The true Machiavellian does not care about moderating
these behaviors. They will, in fact, live by them as if by some philosophical
code for their lives.
It is interesting to note that this is one of the easiest traits for most people to
adopt and benefit from, despite being a symptom of mental illness. People
can be born with this trait though, but the evidence that supports this is rare.
More often than not, people high in Machiavellianism (high Mach’s) are
more likely to have been made this way by having been subjected to a
childhood that involved a cold style of parenting and everything seemed
conditional at best.

Narcissism
Narcissism is one of those traits that are easy to miss since we are constantly
surrounded by it. This is not just a trait that makes people fall in love with
taking pictures of themselves. That is the watered-down, diet version that has
a low negative impact on most people. The darker type can lead to abuse,
bullying, sabotage, and a whole host of consequences for the narcissist and
anyone who might cross their path.
Although it can be classified as a mental disorder, or at least a part or
symptom of one, it can be very difficult to spot, even for professionals. It can
disguise itself in a number of ways and take many shapes and forms. These
different types of narcissism will be broken down so that the reader may
better filter out the everyday, run-of-the-mill narcissism from the potentially
toxic and dark kind.
Narcissist Types:
Grandiose narcissist- This type of narcissist is the classical image of what
one may expect to see when thinking about this leg of the dark triad. This is
someone who wears the finest clothes they possibly can, whether they can
afford it or not; they have massive egos; they are entitled to the point where it
borders on psychopathic; they are obsessed with how people see them, etc.
This kind of narcissist may seem like less of a danger because they are so
easy to spot, but do not be fooled. These people tend to be very charming and
charismatic. Their grandiose way of approaching things give them a false air
of confidence that draws people to them. It also doesn’t help much that they
seem can be pretty generous when the mood takes them.
This is not to be taken lightly. These people are expert manipulators with an
unbelievable lack of empathy, like everyone else in the dark triad. Moreover,
they are far more insecure than they seem and will fly into a rage the second
they feel they are being criticized. They will tear down your reputation or try
to destroy you if they feel this will restore their fragile egos.
Malignant narcissist- These are the kind of narcissist you will most likely
want to keep the closest eye on. They can have a streak that far exceeds all
the other types of narcissists and can easily be mistaken for psychopaths.
They will also have terribly grand ideas of themselves, like all narcissists,
even if there is no evidence of said grandiosity.
These are the kind of narcissist who get so obsessed with the constant dreams
of power and status all narcissists have that they will do whatever it takes to
attain them. They are far more likely to cross moral boundaries to get what
they want and expect everyone to see them as being justified in all they do
because they are simply getting what is owed to them. They are the most
likely to expect special treatment and favors from everyone.
When you combine these elements with the signature traits of having little to
no empathy, plus their insane ambition mixed in with their skills of
manipulation, and you have a walking powder keg just waiting to explode
and ruin countless lives to achieve what they believe they deserve. People
like this will do things most moral people with a conscious would not
consider doing while in their right mind, so crossing their path must be done
with extreme caution if it can’t be avoided altogether.
Covert narcissist- the narcissist can be the trickiest of the lot to spot since
they can often make people feel sorry for them in how they present their
narcissism. While caring for people just as little as other narcissists, they are
very good at making people see them as the victim of circumstances they
could not control.
They will speak a lot about how smart, talented, or generally superior they
are in some way. They will place the blame for their lack of success on
politics, geography, or even being born at the wrong time. They will come
across as someone who had everything going for them in a world that had
something against them.
These types of people will often be misdiagnosed as being depressed and
people will want to feel sorry for them. This would be a mistake as these
kinds of people are prone to being insanely passive aggressive. However,
being afraid of conflict is not their only reason for being this way. They
consider themselves superior and enjoy playing games with the people in
their lives. They can build themselves up by slowly breaking you down and
bringing you into their world where they can feed off your negativity. Of
course, the void they are trying to fill has no bottom, so people can get stuck
trying to save these people until they have nothing more to give, just to be
thrown away for someone who has something to give.
Communal narcissist- now communal narcissists are the kind of people who
love to do good things. They will feed the homeless, take care of abandoned
animals, shelter the needy, go for events that benefit others, etc. This doesn’t
sound too bad right? Think again. Do a lot of good things, but absolutely
have to be seen doing them or there simply isn’t any point for them to be
doing them.
They lack empathy just as much as the next narcissist, but they also need
praise just as much as any other narcissist. This is why they do the altruistic
things they do. They’re in it for the ego boost that comes with the praise they
receive for doing these things. Inwardly, they still have the same sense of
superiority that comes with this character trait and it will often show without
them knowing. They can be pompous, pretentious, haughty and arrogant,
even regarding the people or animals they dedicate themselves to helping.
These kinds of people see human beings as tools just as much as any other
narcissist and they will quickly eliminate anyone who tries to come between
them and the worship and adoration they feel they deserve.

Understanding Psychopaths
Psychopaths have three parts of the dark triad, they are easily at the top of the
list for whom to look out for, especially if you yourself are not one. However,
the first interesting thing to note is that while all psychopaths are narcissistic,
narcissists are not necessarily going to be psychopathic. Knowing this may be
one of the weaknesses that may allow you to spot a psychopath if you find
yourself crossing paths with one.
Psychopathy is identified as Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD). It has a
lot of characteristics that, similar to narcissism, tend to be misconstrued by
the public. This is often due to ignorance or misinformation, like that of the
psychotic serial killer one sees in Hollywood movies. While this image isn’t
entirely untrue, largely due to the fact that these people are the most likely
within the dark triad to become abusers and serial killers, many psychopaths
are actually very good at blending into society. In fact, psychopaths are often
well educated and intelligent.
 Conclusion
Since you’ve gotten to the last pages, you should feel quite confident in your
grasp of NLP and the tools with which it powers us to persuade and
manipulate. You have learned the methods that NLP practitioners use to mold
people in a variety of situations.
Not only can you tell what someone thinks, but you can shape their thoughts
as well. All that said, it doesn’t mean there is nothing left for you to learn.
NLP takes dedication to acquire veritable mastery — but with the skills you
have honed so far and with this book as your guide, NLP has put you on the
path to a new chapter in life.
You should start by practicing mind reading and mind control because they
are the easiest to practice. Another reason to practice this area of NLP
manipulation is that it encompasses all the other areas we have covered: it
involves some persuasion, dark psychology, body language, and more that we
talked about throughout the book, making it the perfect place to start.
Now that you are in the practicing phase, you can use this book as a tool to
help you along the way. It’s likely that you already forget some of the
techniques we went over, so we recommend going back through it and taking
notes. Your notes won’t be able to include all the tidbits we give you here
and there, but if you make them concise enough, you might be able to get the
most important parts into a few pages of notes. You can then refer back to
them whenever you like.
What you choose to do with the knowledge you have absorbed in these pages
is completely up to you. We know there is an overwhelming number of
things that are possible with these techniques, and it is ultimately up to you
how you apply them. The only one who can decide how to make use of the
material you have learned is you, so we hope you use these contents wisely.
In this arrangement, we have advanced the view that the NLP DARK
PSYCHOLOGY
may is a character mental play is a type of social effect that aims to change
behaviour or other ideas through techniques of abuse, lying or concealment.
By increasing manipulative interest, often at an additional cost, these
methods can be considered usable, offensive, confusing and misleading. NLP
means the programming of the neurological language. The term itself already
makes it possible to conclude that NLP has something to do with
communication with a person's mind.
We've indicated the Mind control technique that if you want to change your
thinking, start with your physiology. For example, if you are going to trust,
why not keep yourself a little taller and sit a little straighter? Smile with
confidence to people around you, even if you do not feel brave.
We have additionally examined how the ENNEAGRAM OF PROCESS uses
a 'Way of Transformation' approach, which underlines those procedures
whereby the character of the individual can be changed, and routine examples
rose above.
We've likewise investigated how can it work, notwithstanding these two ways
there is a propelled methodology - the 'Way of Realization' - which
accentuates the road where the Qualities that are looked for by specialists on
the mind control way can be said to pre-exist the pursuit. This methodology
additionally, ordinarily tries to clarify how Controlling individuals with your
psyche - like impressions of the moon in water or the re-introduction of a
supernatural 'hyper body' in a lower-level reality.
The 'Way of Long-term manipulation can have severe consequences in
intimate relationships, including relationships between friends, family, and
dating partners. Handling can aggravate the health of the relationship and
lead to the poor mental health of people in the link or even to the breakdown
of the relationship.
Psychological manipulation can be express as the exercise of inappropriate
influence through mental deformation and emotional exploitation, to take
power, control, benefits and privileges at the expense of the victim. It is
essential to distinguish the powerful social influence from psychological
manipulation.
Many times in life, we come across people who try all their best to get us to
do their bidding, even if it means that we have to neglect our own needs in
the process. The truth is that humans are naturally selfish beings, and that is
the reason why dark techniques are widespread with people in all works of
life. It is not wrong to want to achieve your goals. It only becomes an issue
when you are hurting others in the process.
Trust you have learned about the immense power of dark techniques and how
it can be used to influence others. Although hypnosis is perceived in the
minds of many people as an evil thing, you have now come to realize that it
may not be all that bad except when it is used as a dark technique to influence
a person to do things that he ordinarily wouldn't have subscribed to.

Although persuasion can be a regular aspect of our everyday lives, it can also
fall under the category of dark psychology as it can be used by an agent to get
a subject to act against his own will.
At this point, you should be aware of the types of dark techniques that can be
used to influence people and turn them into puppets in the hands of those
who use them. Amongst others, deception, brainwashing, and manipulation
are hazardous types of mind control because, unlike others, they are not
usually used for the benefit of the subject.
The next step is to now arm yourself with NLP techniques in your
relationship with others. Humans can be a bit too difficult to deal with, so
you have to learn how to make use of the things that are happening within
you to influence the way you relate with others. Note that everyone cannot be
like you always, so with NLP techniques, try to put yourself in other people's
shoes and watch yourself become better in your relationship with others.
It is a pleasure to have walked you through this exciting rollercoaster ride. I
trust you had a good time reading.
 Manipulation
And
Dark Psychology

By David Soul
 Introduction

We all experience malaise in different situations in our daily lives. And when
I say everyday life I mean today, yesterday, tomorrow, every day. Yes, every
day. Do you think it's an exaggeration?
You may think that you have never encountered dark psychological
techniques, but you would be surprised to find, or maybe you have always
suspected, that in our regular day-to-day lives, we encounter people in both
our personal and professional lives that use dark psychological techniques to
manipulate, control, persuade, or coerce others. We may have used some of
these techniques ourselves—intentionally or unknowingly. Some of these
procedures are imprinted during our formative years, whereas others are
learned later in life. Some psychological techniques are even used in training
for certain professions—a person’s ability to master these techniques helps
dictate their career trajectory and degree of success in their professional life.
In this day and age, not only do people practice dark psychology, but the
technology we use each and every day has been programmed to utilize these
techniques on us, unsuspecting users.
It is not uncommon for humans to make attempts at influencing others by
making use of psychological techniques such as manipulation, coercion,
persuasion, deception, hypnosis, mind games and brainwashing.
Psychology is the study of the mental process of humans. It seeks to
investigate the thought process of humans by looking critically at the reason
why people do what they do and the way they do it.
When it comes to dark psychology, the focus is on the human condition in
relation to the nature of the psyche of humans, which propels them to prey on
other people with the aim of influencing them. This is driven by criminal or
deviant tendencies which lack purpose, as well as other general assumptions
of both social science and instinctual drives.
All the members of humanity have the tendency to victimize other people, as
well as every living creature on Earth. For some people, these tendencies are
restrained and very minimal, while others easily fall for the instinct and act
upon these impulses.
According to dark psychology, every human has a bank of malevolent
intentions geared towards other people and these intentions range from
fleeting thoughts to minimally obtrusiveness to pure psychopathic deviant
characters that are devoid of any form of cohesive rationality. This is
described with a term known as the Dark Continuum.
Also, there is another term known as the Dark Factor, which refers to the
mitigating factors that act as accelerants or attractive factors to every form of
approaching Dark Singularity, which indicates the point where a person's
heinous actions fall in the radar of the Dark Continuum.
 Chapter 13: What Is Manipulation in Dark
Psychology?

Image Source: Psychologium

Thus far, we have talked about techniques that are used in dark psychology.
Indeed, we have only skimmed the surface as there is quite a bit to discuss
when it comes to manipulation tactics. You will find that some of the
techniques we will get into a very common and rather overt while others are
rather subtle and go unnoticed. In fact, some of these tactics are so subtle that
you don’t even know they are there; but they are. They will find a way to
make it into your mind.
We are going to center on some of the most common but effective techniques
out there. You will find that this discussion is rather detailed and aimed at
providing deep insight into the ways that these techniques are effective.
Now, the reason why dark psychology techniques are effective lies in the way
they interact with your psyche. The human psyche is structured in such a way
that it is capable of filtering out stimuli that somehow don’t conform to the
patterns, beliefs and values that permeate the psyche. For instance, if you
believe in peace, your mind will reject any notion of violence. By the same
token, if your mind is centered on greed and avarice, you may place very
little restrictions on schemes aimed at getting money.
However, the subconscious mind, the layer that exists beneath the conscious
mind, is unfiltered but equally able to process the stimuli that enter it. This is
why the manipulator’s true goal is to access your subconscious and implant
ideas at that level. When that happens, the chances of ideas and beliefs
sticking are very high.
This is why advertising is so repetitive. Think about it. If you only head an
advert once, the chance of you recalling it would be very slim. However, if
you hear adverts over and over, there will come a point where your conscious
mind will stop putting up a fight. When that occurs, the message can seep
through into your subconscious. This is the secret of brand positioning. So, if
you think advertising, at least good advertising anyway, is about selling stuff,
guess again. Good advertising is all about getting you to constantly think
about a brand or a product.

Persuasion
In order to for persuasion to work, your tactics need to somehow resonate
with your target audience. In order for that to work, your message needs to
reflect the values and beliefs of these folks.
So, your argument and reasoning could be so compelling that your logic
would be undeniable. But would that still be enough to get people to do what
you want? What if you are the best candidate for a job but the company
decides to hire someone else anyway?
These are the considerations that persuasion looks to deal with. Persuasion
works when you are able to resonate with the target audience in such a way
that you evoke feelings in them. A simple example may be a political
candidate going into a town that’s desperate for jobs to unveil a plan to create
more jobs. This would be a rather overt attempt at getting folks to vote for
them. And while folks may be skeptical about the candidate’s ability to
actually create jobs, they may feel compelled to vote for them out of
desperation and hope.
Another powerful emotion that you can trigger is fear. Any time fear is
evoked in people, their primal survival instincts kick in. This might compel
people to go along with you simply because they fear the outcome if they
don’t. While this may also be associated with coercion, the fact of the matter
is that your ability to trigger these feelings will allow you to get ahead.
Manipulation
However, persuasion doesn’t always work even when you are able to trigger
emotions. In such cases, you may have to take things up a notch. In this case,
manipulation becomes the most immediate means at your disposal.
Manipulation can be as blatant as you would like it to be. You can be quite
overt, that is, do very little to conceal your true intentions, or you can be
much more subtle. The fact is that it depends on the situation you are in.
There are times when you can be overt while other times you can be very
subtle.

Consider this situation.

A supervisor knows that many of the workers in their department are
desperate for jobs. They really need their income and will do just about
anything to keep their current job. Knowing this, the supervisor will coax
them into working overtime on a regular basis. Sure, they are paid for their
overtime, but the truth is that they are being exploited. However, the workers
will say very little because they need the job. And even when they know they
are being exploited, they have little choice but to go along until they can find
another job.
Another good example of manipulation can be seen in relationships. One
partner can manipulate the other by using statements such as, “no one else
can love you as I do.” This is rather overt manipulation. As such, the victim,
over time, will internalize the fact that there is no one else that will love them
in the same way. This can lead to creating a type of dependency among
partners, thereby limiting the will of the victim.

Emotional Manipulation Techniques

Emotional manipulation can happen at various levels. But that’s not the only
one. How about greed? That works just a good as fear. People who are driven
by ambition can be easily had with statements such as “think of all the money
you could make.” Such a statement would drive a greedy person over the
edge.
By the same token, if you’re dealing with someone who is overly frugal, a
statement such as “think of all the money you could save” would hit their
sweet spot. The point here is that you need to know the person you’re dealing
with in order to make your manipulation attempts ring true.
So, let’s take a look at some emotional manipulation tactics which you can
use in a given situation.

The Bait and Switch

This technique is predicated on a person pretending to be someone they are
not until they get what they want. For example, a person who is interested in
gaining something from another may pretend to be romantically interested in
this person. The victim, who is desperate for love and affection, will go along
with the hopes of entering a meaningful relationship. The manipulator then
gets close enough to their target until they extract the benefit they seek. Once
the manipulator gets what they want, they pull the bait and switch; that is,
they revert to their true self.
This type of technique is used to prey on the emotional needs of a person and
is not limited to romantic relationships. This can also occur when a
manipulator senses that someone is desperate to make money. The
manipulator then uses this need to manipulate the victim with the promise of
easy money or a steady income. The victim goes along only to be defrauded
at some point.
In a manner of speaking, the manipulation takes place every time the
manipulator is able to strike a chord with the victim. The victim falls prey for
the empty promises of the manipulator until either the manipulator reveals
their true self, or just moves on.

The Blame Game

This is very common in the workplace. There are folks who are experts at
pinning everything on someone else. For instance, when something goes
wrong, the manipulator will find a way to shift the blame to someone else.
The ablest manipulators are able to produce compelling evidence against
others thereby clearing their name of any responsibility. Then, there are folks
who are just full of excuses for the shortcomings. These folks tend to wear
out their welcome quickly and need to move on sooner rather than later.
The blame game can happen in relationships, business dealings, and politics.
Politicians who find someone else to blame for the problems happening in
their country often present themselves as saviors and heroes for their people.
They are the ones who have a solution for everything, yet when you drill
down on their track record, they really don’t achieve much of anything.

Guilt
Guilt is one of the most powerful manipulation techniques known to
humankind. Guilt can be used to manipulate people by making them feel
inferior for the help and support they have received at some point. Guilt can
also be used to get others to feel inadequate for a condition they possess.
Think of all those times you hear people say, “things would be different if
you weren’t sick.” That is one of the most rudimentary means of making
someone feel guilty, yet it is highly powerful. Also, you may hear others say
things like, “remember when you needed my help? Now, I need your help.”
This is a clear attempt at coaxing someone to go along with the manipulator’s
intentions.

The White Knight

This game is used by skilled manipulators. In this game, the manipulator
purposely creates a problem and then rushes to the rescue. The intention is to
create dependency among those around them as the manipulator is the only
one who can solve the problems they encounter. However, the victims may
not be aware that the problems are artificially fabricated by the “white
knight” to make themselves look good.
This is an expression of the problem-reaction-solution technique. In this
technique, manipulators create a problem or exacerbate an existing one, then
get people to react in a certain manner so that they can come to the rescue
with the miracle solution.
So, the next time you ask yourself where certain people get these miraculous
solutions in desperate times, don’t be surprised if you happen to find yourself
in the midst of a master manipulator.

The dark triad

This is a collection of character traits that are present in every person.
However, these traits are more prevalent in some than in others. When they
are predominant in an individual’s personality, they can lead to inappropriate
behavior, and in some cases, lead to criminal activity. These traits are the
hallmark of manipulators. While it is not entirely how they form, we do have
a good understanding of how they can be fostered.
That’s why we’re going to take a deep look into the dark triad as we look to
unravel the mystery that surrounds this type of behavior. Moreover, you will
find detailed descriptions and examples pertaining to these traits and their
corresponding behaviors.
When one of these traits is predominant in a person, you will find that they
are generally disruptive in many ways, but highly creative and energetic in
others. Moreover, people who exhibit dark triad traits in high order are
generally more skilled and intelligent individuals who have a keen sense of
the world around them. This is why they are able to make the most of their
desires and push their agenda along.
In some cases, you’ll see them as people who will stop at nothing to get what
they want. Other times, you will see them as people who don’t care much
about the feelings of others especially if that gets in the way of their
achieving something.
So, if you are dealing with someone who exhibits any of these traits, or
heaven forbid all three, then you really need to watch where you’re stepping.
Often, the best course of action is to get away from them. If you try to do
battle with people exhibiting dark triad characteristics, you need to be several
steps ahead of them. But, be warned that winning a war with these folks may
turn out to be winning a war of attrition more than based on skills and tactics.
Narcissism
The first dark triad trait is narcissism. Narcissism is typically associated with
feelings of entitlement and conceit. These are individuals who seek to be the
center of attention at all times while trying to get others to do their bidding.
The most rudimentary of narcissists don’t really care how they get others to
go along with them. All they care about is that others do what they want. End
of story.
More skilled narcissists are able to use many tactics at their disposal to get
others to go along. Often, these types of narcissists seem charming and very
pleasant.
Yet, it’s all a ploy. Their main objective is to get others to trust them and
admire them. As long as they are admired and shown constant displays of
affection, they are good with people. The problem occurs when they are not
fed the feedback they seek. Often, it is a question of having their ego stroked.
For example, a narcissist will become livid if they get no recognition for the
work they do. This is compounded if they feel that they have put their best
foot forward. As such, the lack of recognition will drive them up the wall like
no tomorrow. On the contrary, if they are showered with praise and
accolades, then all is good. They bask in their glory and seek to move on to
the next display of affection and appreciation.
The biggest issue with narcissists is that they are control freaks. Since they
feel that everyone must do their bidding, they need to control everything and
everyone around them. Consequently, if a narcissist feels that they have lost
control of their environment, there are liable to go to all means necessary to
ensure that they regain full control. If this means destroying people along the
way, they may not stop to ponder the effects of their actions on others.

Image Source: PsychCentral

Machiavellianism
This trait is often associated with deviousness and underhandedness.
Machiavellianism can best be seen in people who come up with clever
schemes to get what they want. In general, highly intelligent people are
pronto to developing Machiavellianism. The challenge lies in the limits they
are willing to respect in the pursuit of their aims.
In the worst of cases, Machiavellian folks tend to go as far as their personal
convictions will allow them. This means that a person who has a good set of
values will find clever ways of getting things done without resorting to
unethical or even unlawful means. However, if the individual does not have a
good set of ethics, they may engage in increasingly reprehensible activity in
the pursuit of their aims.
The limits to which Machiavellianism can go essentially depend on the
intelligence or support network of the person. There are cases, such as those
of master criminals, who may be unable to figure out schemes for themselves
but will employ those who can. This is a good example of how scruples and
morals may be quite loose on some folks.

Psychopathy
The third element to the dark triad is psychopathy. In general terms,
psychopathy is an absence of emotion. In particular, psychopaths are unable
to feel empathy. This means that they are unable to gauge who others feel.
This is why they are incapable of understanding that their actions hurt others.
When you look at serial killers and other types of criminals, they genuinely
believe they have done nothing wrong as they are unable to comprehend the
pain and anguish they have put others through. Think about white-collar
criminals who embezzle pensioners out of their savings. They have no
remorse over their actions as they could really care less about those affected.
In some instances, psychopathy is associated with physiological issues in the
brain. When this occurs, neurochemical reactions may not take place. As a
result, these individuals may be unable to process their emotions leading to a
condition of flat reactions to emotion.
 Chapter 14: What Is Covert Emotional
Manipulation?
Covert emotional manipulation is very important to the art of dark
psychology. Many of the tactics that are used with dark psychology are going
to use this type of emotional manipulation, whether in part or completely. As
you start to learn a bit more about the world of dark psychology and its
different manifestations, you will soon start to see the signs of CEM. This is
why it is so important to understand what CEM is exactly so that you can
watch out for it in your daily life.
Covert emotional manipulation, or CEM, is going to be an attempt by one
person to try and influence the feelings and the thoughts of the other person
in a way that is considered underhanded and that is undetected by the one
who is being manipulated. Being able to break down each of the words that
are in CEM is important to help you get a better idea on the foundations of
this topic.
Covert refers to the way that a manipulator is able to hide their intentions.
They want to be able to hide the true nature of all their actions. Remember
that not all types of influence and emotional manipulation will be categorized
as covert. The victims of the type that is covert though will typically not
realize they are being manipulated and will not be able to understand the way
the manipulation is carried out. In some cases, they are not even able to look
and figure out the motivation of their manipulator. This is why CEM is such a
stealth bomber in the world of dark psychology. Its point is to avoid detection
and defense until it is too late for the victim.
The emotional side of the manipulator is going to be the specific focus of that
manipulator. Other types of manipulation may include things like the
willpower, beliefs, and behaviors of the other person. Many manipulators will
focus on this area of influence as they are well aware that the emotions of the
other person are key to the other aspects of their personality.
Being able to manipulate the emotions of the other person is key. If a person
has emotional control over the other person, then they are going to have full
control over them.
Situation and Manipulations
There are four main scenarios in which CEM is able to take place. These
include the family, romantic, personal, and professional parts of your life.
One of the most common forms of CEM is romantic, and it can sometimes be
the most deadly. There are some less obvious forms of CEM that you are able
to find anywhere, and because they are less common, they can sometimes be
the most dangerous.
If the manipulator is successful, then their wife or their girlfriend will
continue to be a victim of emotional manipulation, and they may have a hard
time realizing that it is going on. This allows the manipulator to keep the
control that they want without any risk of being discovered and losing the
other person for good.
This can also happen with a friend who would use CEM in order to get the
outcomes they want when they have a relationship with another person. In
this group, one of the common types of manipulators is going to be someone
who covertly induced feelings of obligation, sympathy, and guilt in a friend.
The friend is being manipulated in this way without being aware that they are
being influenced. They may realize that they are behaving in a different way
to that friend, but they won’t be able to explain why and how.
You will find that the professional part of your life can be another place for
covert emotional manipulators. There are a lot of people who have worked
for a boss or another person who had authority, who seems to trigger some
unknown feelings of duty, fear, and guilt in them. People who are
manipulated this way may never be able to identify why these feelings exist
or where they come from.
And in the world of CEM, the family can be the most problematic. A skilled
manipulator is able to find a victim, even within their own family, and the
amount of influence that they exercise can be dangerous. This is because the
manipulator and the victim will have a very deep connection together because
they are related. When blood relations are added in, the amount of influence
and control can increase quite a bit.
The reason that these family situations are so suited to using CEM is that
most people already feel a level of social obligation in order to help their own
family. They are willing to go a little further to ensure the needs of their
family are attended to. Because of this predisposition, covert emotional
manipulative practices will give you a victim that is very malleable.

Some Common Covert Manipulation Methods

We have spent some time talking about what covert manipulation is all about
and how it can be used to benefit the manipulator. Now it is time to look at a
few of the different methods that can be used in covert manipulation. These
are meant to bring out feelings of guilt, sadness, or something else. The
manipulator also wants to make sure that they can do all of this without the
victim detecting them if at all possible. Let’s take a look at some of the
techniques that are used by people practicing CEM.

Reinforcement: A CEM Stacked Sequence

After the love bombing, a pattern of intermittent positive reinforcement is
going to show up. This is a way of controlling the victim without them really
knowing what is going on. The typical sequence of a CEM scenario is going
to involve love bombing, then positive reinforcement, and then intermittent
positive reinforcement. Let’s take a look at how this is done and how it
benefits the manipulator.
After love bombing has occurred early in the relationship, it is time for the
manipulator to move over to positive reinforcement. This is when the
manipulator is going to switch their behavior, and they will no longer show
unconditional positivity to the victim. Instead, the manipulator is going to
withhold any positivity until the victim is performing the behavior that they
desire.

Reality Denial
One of the most terrifying things that a human can endure is the feeling that
they are losing their own sanity. This is bad enough if it is explained by
something that the victim can understand, such as a byproduct of stress in
their lives. But this can be really unsettling if this insanity feeling is induced
by the emotional manipulator.
Reality denial is going to refer to a range of techniques used in CEM that
have the purpose of destroying the sanity of the victim in order to serve the
selfish aims. The ways that this takes place, and its impact, will vary based on
the method that works the best for the manipulator.
Instead of doing this, a skilled manipulator is going to take a slower but
steady approach. This means they are going to slowly erode at the sanity of
the other person until that victim isn’t able to trust their own faculties. But
how does the manipulator turn this reality denial process on? It is often going
to start with a small-scale undermining of the confidence of a victim in their
own memory. The manipulator will then be able to engineer various
situations where the victim will feel like they need to question their own
recollection of events. They won’t know what is true and what isn’t any
longer.
Of course, during this process, the manipulator is going to ensure that the
portrayal of what really happened is the one that seems the most credible to
their victim.
This process of slowly eroding the confidence of the victim is going to serve
two purposes to the manipulator. First, it is going to reduce the amount of
trust the victim has in their own powers of understanding and recall. Second,
this trust will then be moved over to the manipulator.
One thing to remember is that this transference of trust is never going to be
that big of a deal in the transaction, especially in the beginning. When the
manipulator gets started, it is simply going to look like they are the one who
has a slightly better memory than the victim. The victim may even be
thankful that they have someone around whose recollection they are actually
able to rely on, rather than seeing this as a form of manipulation that is being
used against them by the manipulator.
Of course, this is going to start increasing over time as well. The covert
emotional manipulator is going to start increasing the severity of the events
that they want the victim to question. What may seem like a harmless and
even insignificant situation, in the beginning, is going to amplify. It will
eventually reach the point where the victim seems to lose all their own
confidence in their cognitive powers and will question their own sanity.
The part of this process that seems the most insidious most of the time is the
fact that the victim is often going to start blaming their own mind for losing
these abilities. A skilled manipulator is not going to be seen as the one who is
pulling strings. Even though they are in charge of this slow demise in the
sanity, they will never let their victim know what is going on behind the
scenes.
These different methods can often be used together. But the key is that they
need to be done covertly. If the victim realizes what is going on, they will
walk away and refuse to be influenced by the manipulator. But skilled
manipulators are able to use the different techniques above in order to get the
victim to behave in a certain way, and the victim usually doesn’t realize what
is going on or why they feel a certain way.
 Chapter 15: What Is Dark Persuasion?
People typically attempt to give meaning to the concept of persuasion;
however, their answers always come in different forms. While some may set
their minds on the advertisements and commercials that are everywhere in
modern society, urging one to patronize a certain product or service over
another, others’ minds fall back to the politicians that try to change the minds
of voters just to get one more vote at the polls. Both examples are correct as
they are messages aimed at changing the perception of the subject.
The point of diversion between normal persuasion and dark persuasion is that
dark persuasion does not always have a moral justification.
While a normal persuader may try to persuade someone for that person's own
good, a dark persuader does so with motivations that aren't always good for
the other person. They try to get a full grasp of understanding of the person
they wish to persuade, and they take pains to do so because they know what
the biggest motivation is.
While persuasion always has moral implications, a dark persuader does not
concern themselves with these implications. In fact, they are aware of them
but choose to place their eyes on their objective(s) instead.
Persuasion is a psychological phenomenon in the everyday life of a human
being. It is either that you are the one trying to persuade someone else or you
are being persuaded.
What makes the difference between dark and normal is the motivation behind
it. In mass media, politics, advertising and legal decisions, persuasion comes
into play all the time. The outcome of practicing it in these fields is
determined by ways of persuasion which will influence the subject of
persuasion.
There are some obvious and very crucial differences between persuasion and
other types of mind control such as brainwashing and hypnosis. While these
two require that the subject should be isolated in order to change their minds
and identity, persuasion does not also require isolation.
In order to get to the goal, manipulation is used on one person. Although
persuasion can also be done on a single subject in order to get them to change
their minds, there is also a possibility of using it on a large scale to change
the minds of a whole group or even an entire society.
For this reason, persuasion be a more effective mind control technique and
perhaps more dangerous because it can change the minds of many people at
the same time instead of the mind of just one person at a time.
There are several people that make the mistake of thinking they have an
immunity to the effects of persuasion because they are of the opinion that
they will always be able to see every sales pitch that comes their way. They
believe they will always be able to use logic to get a grasp of what is going
on and then find a logical conclusion to it.
Thanks to the fact that people are not always going to fall for everything they
hear if they use logic, this may be true.
It is also possible to avoid persuasion because the argument does not augur
well with the person's beliefs no matter the strength of the argument.
However, there are people who know how to use persuasive messages to
encourage people to patronize the latest gadgets or products in the market.
This act of persuasion is very subtle so the subject will not always identify it,
so it is going to be quite hard for them to always be able to form an opinion
about the information they are going to get.
Every time persuasion is mentioned, it is very likely that one thinks of it in a
bad light. This is because they tend to automatically think of a conman or
salesman who is always trying to get them to change their perspective and
who will eventually push them until this change is achieved.
While dark persuasion is prominent in sales and conning practices, there are
also ways that persuasion can be used for good, like in diplomatic relations
between international bodies or in public service campaigns. The difference
only lies in the way the process of persuasion is brought to play.

Dark Persuasion Techniques

When a person is willing to change the mind of their subject by persuading
them to do something that is contrary to their initial state of mind, the
persuader is going to have some well laid out techniques to help them achieve
their goals.
Each day that passes, the target is going to face different types of persuasion.
For food makers, their goal will be to get their target to try out their new
recipes or have them stick to the old ones, while studios will flash their latest
blockbuster movies on the faces of their targets.
Whatever the case may be or whatever product they are selling, their main
aim is to make more sales and that is why they are trying to persuade you.
They really couldn’t care less about how this will impact you and this is the
reason why they must be very careful and skilled in the art of subtle
persuasion to ensure that they do not tip you off or get you agitated. Since
there are also many other brands trying to persuade you, they must find a
unique way to impress their views on you.
Due to the influence of persuasion on a wide range of people, the techniques
used in it have been a subject of study for many years, dating back to ancient
times.
This is because influence is a very useful tool in the hands of a wide range of
people.
Starting from the early 20th century, the formal study of these techniques
began to grow. Remember that the goal of trying to persuade people is to
push a persuasive argument on an audience and have them convinced. They
will then internalize this message and adopt it as their new attitude or even
way of life. For this reason, there is a great need to discover the most
successful persuasion techniques.
There are three dark persuasion techniques that have proven to be of great
value over the years.

Create a Need
This is one of the most fruitful ways of getting a person to change their point
of view or way of life. The person that is trying to persuade a target will
either create a need or capitalize on a need that the subject already has. If this
is done in a proper way, it has the potential of appealing a great deal to the
target.
What this means is that in order to be successful, the persuader must appeal
to the needs that are of more importance to the target. This may be their need
to fulfil their dreams or of boosting their self-esteem. It may also be their
want for love, shelter or food.
This method will always work out well because there is no way the subject is
not going to need any of these things, or in need of anything at all for that
matter. Since there is no way the target isn’t going to have dreams and
aspirations, the persuader will only have to find ways to make the victim
understand how they can easily help the victim achieve those dreams.
The persuader may also tell their target that the target will realize their
dreams if they make certain alterations to their beliefs or perspective. Doing
this, according to the persuader, will give the target a higher chance of
achieving success.
For example, a young man that wants to get intimate with a lady may tell her
that he will help her improve her grades and finally make her parents proud
by getting an A, but only if she becomes friends with him. While this lady
may think that she has finally found the redemption she needs, the truth is
that the young man isn’t very interested in how well she performs in school,
her academics are only a bait for getting access to sex.

Appealing to Social Needs

The other technique that the persuader can use is identifying the target's
social needs. While this may not yield as many results and the target's
primary needs will, it is still an important tool in the hands of the persuader.
There are people who are naturally drawn to crowds and desire to be wanted.
They always want to have certain items, not because they need them but
because it comes with certain prestige that makes them feel as though they
belong to a higher class.
The notion of appealing to the target's social needs is what is obtainable
through many TV commercials where viewers are encouraged to buy a
product so that they will not be “left behind.”
When they can identify and appeal to the social needs of the target, the result
is they are able to reach a new area of the target's interest.

Making Use of Loaded Words and Images

When a person is trying to persuade someone else, they must be careful with
their choice of words as words can make all the difference. While there are
many ways to say a thing, one way of saying it may be more potent than the
other.
When it has to do with persuasion, one of the most important things is
knowing how to say the right thing at the right time. Words are always the
most important tools in communication and knowing the right call-to-action
words.
Dark persuasion is one of the most powerful concepts of dark psychology,
but sadly it is always overlooked and underestimated. This may be because,
unlike the other methods of mind control, persuasion leaves the target with a
choice. In the other mind control methods, the target is forced into
submission and sometimes this is done by putting them in isolation so that at
the end, they do not have any say in the outcome of the process.
When it comes to persuasion, the chips are laid bare (although with an
ulterior motive in dark persuasion) so that the target is left to make the
decision that they think will suit them best.
 Chapter 16: Character Traits of the Manipulator
Now that we have gone over some of the methods and tactics people use to
negatively manipulate others, it’s time to talk about how to avoid these
methods. Negative manipulation can be defined as convincing others to do
whatever you desire, without offering something of value back to them. How
does this phenomenon work?
A Threat and no Value: If a person says, “Help me finish this project or I’m
going to be angry with you,” they are trying to negatively manipulate your
actions. They are not actually offering anything of value to you in return.
However, if a friend offers you something of value in return for a favor, that
isn’t negative manipulation, because you’re getting something back for the
effort you put in.
Making another Responsible for their Emotions - Another form of
manipulation is telling someone that they are responsible for how you feel
and that they should feel guilty for that. For example, telling them that if they
don’t come to your party, you will be highly disappointed. This implies that
it’s their fault how you feel. However, if you offer to introduce your friend to
someone they have wanted to meet at your party, you are offering a situation
that allows both of you to win.

Why do People Manipulate?

What are people’s reasons for manipulating others? These can be anything
from innocent and even friendly reasons to mean and selfish, we’re going to
focus on negative and selfish manipulation.
Misery Likes Company: They do it because they gain satisfaction, on an
emotional level, from seeing the frustrated or otherwise negative responses of
others. Certain people are so unhappy with their lives and themselves that
they try to bring others down by creating problems for them.
It makes them feel Powerful: Someone who is insecure and feels powerless
will often try to exert power in other areas to make up for it. Getting others to
do what they want gives them temporary satisfaction.
A Lack of Importance: Another reason why people negatively manipulate
others is because they don’t think that they are important. They believe that if
they simply request what they wish for, they won’t get it because they don’t
matter enough. So instead, they try to make us feel ashamed or guilty as a
consequence for not doing what they want, as a preemptive measure from
disappointment.
They are “too Good” for some Things: Other negative manipulators simply
think that they are too good for certain tasks. They might see other people as
below them, and therefore expect those people to do the tasks that they don’t
want to do. This could be due to laziness, or simply an inflated sense of self.
Not knowing how to get Things done: Some negative manipulators don’t
think that they are capable of gaining what they want, and instead operate
under the assumption that they must convince and pressure others to do their
bidding for them.
Selfishly “Helping” Others: Other negative manipulators actually convince
themselves that what they are doing will help people. This is a common idea
embraced by people who think that they know better than others what is best
for everyone. Due to their beliefs that they have a higher intelligence or
ability, they feel satisfied doing this, and convince themselves that the people
being manipulated are better off for it.
Actually, the majority of negative manipulators are not actually bad people;
they are simply misguided, inconsiderate, insensitive, selfish, and often
times, weak and insecure. Some of them believe that the people they are
manipulating are not as valuable as themselves, and that their desires and
needs are not as important. This mistaken belief is what allows them to
continue to act the way they do without considering the feelings of other
people.

Different types of Negative Manipulation:

Turning your Emotions against you - Techniques for manipulation vary
widely, but usually, negative manipulators will attempt to get the feelings of
others to work against them. They will try to do that by doing or saying
things that are intended to stir up fear, anger, shame, guilt, or any other
uncomfortable feeling. For example, they might insinuate that if we don’t
follow through on their suggestions or orders, something horrible will result.
Threats of Future Unpleasantness: They might also try to describe to you all
of the different types of unpleasant situations that could arise if you don’t do
what they want. They might imply or even overtly insist that something is our
fault, responsibility, or duty, using ethics and morality to pressure us to come
around to their ideas or demands. Some people will even throw every trick at
us, warning us of the consequences of disappointing or letting them down.
Common Phrases Used: They may imply to us that we will be so happy if we
do what they want us to do, or that we will make them very happy, and that
they will love us so much. They may also use phrases like “You need to…”
or “You must…” or “You should…” as a way to subtly pressure you into
following through on what they are asking of you. They will say those
phrases and others which insinuate great consequences if you don’t follow
the obligation they are giving to you.
What do each of the above methods and techniques share in common with
each other? The person doing the negative manipulation doesn’t offer
anything of value in return for fulfilling their wishes. Instead, the victim gets
exploited by a created power imbalance.

How to avoid being Negatively Manipulated by

Others:
Be Aware of your Rights: The absolute most important rule you can follow
when dealing with someone who wants to manipulate you in negative ways is
to know your own worth and rights. This way, you will always know when
someone is attempting to violate them. So long as others are not getting
harmed in the process, you should be defending yourself. Every human
should have the right to have differing opinions from others, to protect
yourself, to say “no” when you need to, and to decide what’s important to
you. You should also have the right of expressing your wants, opinions, and
feelings, and always be treated with respect.
Unfortunately, the world has plenty of people who won’t want to
acknowledge or respect your rights, especially negative manipulators. You
will also come into contact with others who generally wish to take advantage
at any opportunity. However, you can proudly defy this by letting them know
that you are the one who runs your life, no one else.
Maintain Healthy Distance: Another way to tell who is manipulative is to pay
attention to the way someone acts in varying situations and in front of various
individuals. Although everyone, to a degree, puts on different faces
depending on where they are, most people who are harmfully manipulative
are extreme about it. They might, for example, be extremely polite and
friendly to one person, and completely disrespect another, or act like a victim
one second, and then act controlling immediately after.
If you notice someone acting this way regularly, it’s a good sign to distance
yourself from them and not engage with them unless it’s an absolute
necessity. Usually, the reasons behind these types of behavior are
complicated, and it isn’t your duty or responsibility to help or change that
person. Trying to do so will often only lead to suffering on your part, so it’s
better not to expect much when you notice these signs.
Don’t blame yourself: A person who wishes to manipulate others in harmful
ways searches for weaknesses to exploit, so it makes sense that someone who
has been victimized by one might blame themselves or feel inadequate. But
in a situation like this, you should remember that it isn’t you that’s the issue
here; you are being pressured to feel bad by someone else who is very good
at making people feel bad.
This is how they get their way. Instead, think about the relationship you have
with this person and ask yourself if they are respecting you, demanding
reasonable things of you, and whether you are both benefiting, or only one of
you is. Ask yourself, also, if you feel good about yourself after spending time
with this person, or if you would feel better being around them less. The way
you answer these questions will lead to important answers about where the
issue lies in the situation.
Questioning them: Eventually, this type of person is going to demand or
request things from you. Many times, these requests or others will take their
needs into consideration, while completely ignoring yours. Next time you
receive a solicitation that is completely unreasonable, turn the focus back to
them by asking some questions. Ask them if their request is reasonable, or if
what they are asking from you is fair. You can also try asking if you get to
have an opinion in this matter, or ask what benefit you will be gaining from
the arrangement.
Each time you ask questions like this, you are holding a mirror up to them,
allowing them to see what they are truly asking of you. If they are self-aware,
they will likely retract their request or demand. But there may be some cases,
such as dealing with a narcissist, who will keep insisting without even
considering your questions. If that happens, follow these guidelines.
Don’t Answer Immediately: One way to combat manipulation is to use time
as a resource. Often, the manipulator will not only ask you to fulfill an
unreasonable demand, but they will want an answer immediately. When this
happens, rather than answering right away, use time and distance yourself
from their request and influence. This can be done by telling them that you
will think about it. Although these words are simple, they give your power
back to you, giving you the option to weigh the advantages and disadvantages
of the situation and let you work out something better, if need be.
Teach yourself to say “No” when needed: Saying “no” is difficult for many
people, since we are often taught and conditioned to be polite whenever
possible. Being able to confidently but politely say “no” comes with learning
communication skills. When this is articulated effectively, you can hold onto
your self-respect, and also continue a healthy relationship. Keep in mind that
your personal rights include deciding what matters to you, being able to turn
down a request free from guilt, and choosing health and happiness for
yourself. You are responsible for your life, not the person who is making
unreasonable demands of you.
Create a Consequence: Next time a negative manipulator tries to violate your
rights, and refuses to accept your answer, set a consequence for their
behavior. Knowing how to assert and identify appropriate consequences is a
crucial skill for standing down someone who is being very difficult or
disrespectful. If you can articulate this clearly and thoroughly, your
consequences will cause them to pause and stop violating you, shifting to a
position of respect.

How to Confront a Bully in a Safe Way:

Not all manipulators resort to bullying, but many of them do. Someone is
being a bully when they use intimidation or harm to get what they want from
you. Remember, always, that a bully chooses people they see as weak to pick
on, and compliance and passivity will only strengthen this. However, a lot of
bullies are afraid and insecure deep down, so when their victim starts to stand
up for themselves, this will often lead the bully to back off. Whether this
situation is occurring in a playground or at the office, it applies, most of the
time. Keep in mind that many bullies have actually withstood bullying and
violence. Although this doesn’t excuse their behaviors, it does help the victim
to understand.
A Guide to Positive Manipulation (Persuasion)
Leadership and manipulation go together, but there is a distinct difference
between the types of manipulation and ethical (or positive) manipulation.
Positive manipulation relies on using personal influence to gain a response or
outcome. To put it another way, it relies on convincing someone to do what
you are asking. This definition makes it easy to understand why the most
powerful leaders in the world are often very skilled at ethical manipulation.
Regardless of its negative connotations, manipulation is not always a bad
thing. Actually, countless leaders in business could enjoy advantages from
using some of these methods in their set of skills. One of these skills is using
manipulation in a responsible, ethical, and positive way.

What makes Positive Manipulation Ethical?

Positive, ethical manipulation methods have outcomes and goals that have
been thoroughly defined, and are always motivated by goal-seeking and
accomplishment. It’s not appropriate at all to try to manipulate people for
pleasure or your own personal achievement, while disregarding their rights or
desires. But it is necessary and appropriate to use this tactic as a way to help
people achieve shared visions and to further an organization or business.
Chapter 17: Characteristics of Manipulative People

The Qualities of a Manipulative Person

According to George Simon, a psychology writer, there are distinct qualities
that define a manipulative person. If someone possesses these traits, their
chances of being successful manipulators are extremely high. In the same
way, if one lacks these traits, they cannot use other people to get to their
selfish goals. I bet this is one of those qualifications we all do not want!
In Simon’s words, a successful manipulator must:
➢ Have the ability to hide their aggressive nature and intentions from
the public, and more so their potential targets.
➢ Have the ability to identify the vulnerable aspects of their potential
victims so as to decide which approaches to use for efficient
manipulation.
➢ Have an extraordinary level of ruthlessness in them to enable them to
overcome the qualms that might arise from the harm they cause on their
subjects. Ruthlessness can be emotional or physical.
As we can see, the first trait that a manipulator needs so they can successfully
influence other people is the ability to cover up their aggressive intentions
and behaviors. Imagine if they went around telling of their dark secrets and
plans, nobody would dare to befriend them for fear of being manipulated.
Due to this, the manipulator develops a camouflage that hides their thoughts
and plans from other people, so they end up appearing normal. Often, the
victim walks into the trap with the least suspicion and might not realize it in
the beginning. The oppressor will come off as a Good Samaritan, a best
friend or a random person acting sweet. By the time the target becomes
suspicious, the manipulator already has enough information to successfully
coerce them as they please.
Next, the controller must have the skill to observe and determine the
vulnerable traits of their victims. This is a typical application of the proverb
that if you must cut down a tree, you better take your time to sharpen your ax.
From the identified weak points, they can sit down and decide on the best
approach to use so as to effectively manipulate them and attain their goals. At
times, the manipulator will use observation to identify the vulnerabilities
while in others, they need to interact with their subjects for a certain period of
time.
The final trait is that ruthlessness must be applied. It would be pointless for
the manipulator to put in the work required in the above steps only to start
worrying about what their victims will feel or what will happen to them. If
they cared about anyone at all, they would not come up with these plans at
all. That said, the manipulator puts all the care behind them and plays blind to
any emotional or physical harm that may occur to the victim. To them, what
matters is that they achieve their end goals.
From these three traits, we can tell why manipulators succeed most of the
time. The amount of planning and trickery that they use is bound to catch
anyone off-guard. Due to this, the subject will not be quick to realize that
they are in the middle of a manipulative process until the effects begin to
show up. They might assume that the oppressor wishes them well, making
them drop all defenses. By the time they come to their senses and want to get
out, they are already stuck.

The Behaviors of Manipulative People

We already know the traits that define a manipulative person. These are the
requirements that one needs to possess before they can be potential
manipulators. There are also traits that define a manipulator during the
process of manipulation. In short, what are the behaviors that these people
portray and use to actualize the process of manipulation?
Let us discuss a couple of them.
Reinforcing
In psychology, reinforcement is a stimulus, positive or negative, that
increases or strengthens the probability of a certain outcome. When we talk
of positive reinforcement, it is a tactic that a manipulator will use in public so
as to pick their subjects. The manipulator will fake some moves such as loud
laughter, random smiles, giving gifts, crocodile tears, excess apologies,
exaggerated praise and temporary charm, to mention but a few. Positive
reinforcement places the manipulator above random strangers and draws
attention. The point of fake behavior is to make people want to befriend
them. To be honest, if a person offers us a gift or starts a friendly chat, our
minds immediately soften, and we want to return the favor. If we find an
innocent-looking lady crying by herself at the park, we genuinely want to
know how we can help. Unbeknownst to us, some of these people are out
there hunting.
In negative reinforcement, the manipulator will offer to “rescue” the victim
out of a negative situation if they agree to do something in return. For
example, a teacher might offer to grant a student pass grades after they have
failed if the student offers sex in return. This is a tricky situation because the
victim is usually in a fix and at times, the offer by the manipulator might be
their only way out.
There is also intermittent reinforcement. This is a behavior where the
manipulator creates a climate of doubt, hope, and fear. The victim, caught up
in a maze of hope and doubt or fear, falls into a dilemma. Take gambling at
the casino for an example. The odds at any game are set that in as much as
the gambler will be losing some money, they will have intermittent wins in
between the losses to blind them. If they take the bait, they continue playing
for extended periods of time and only realize they have been on a losing
streak when their pockets dry up. In the same way, a manipulator will throw
regular rewards at the victim while manipulating them so they can keep them
long enough until they have achieved their goals.
Rationalizing
Rationalization is the act of making up excuses to make one appear innocent.
Even if a manipulator were caught red-handed in the act of negatively
influencing others, they would not accept it. Instead, they would come up
with convincing reasons as to why they committed the act. In most cases,
they claim to have been trying to help the victims.
Punishing
Punishing, in this case, is not necessarily the use of a cane to flog someone. It
is a method of control where the manipulator will deploy a set of behaviors to
influence the psychology of a victim. Some of these punishment tactics
include silent treatment, playing the victim, nagging, yelling, crying,
threatening, and sulking, among others. The aim of the action is to make the
victim feel guilty of something they might not have done. If the victim plays
along, they start apologizing, throwing them deep into the manipulator’s
trap.
Minimizing
Minimization is a combination of denial and rationalization. If caught, they
defend themselves by stating that their behavior is not as negative as it
appears. We have all met people who throw bad-tasting jokes at us, only to
claim that they were mere jokes and should be taken lightly.
Explosiveness
Explosive behavior, also known as traumatic one-trial learning, is the act
where the manipulator will throw tantrums at the slightest provocation. The
sudden reactions, which might include verbal abuse and explosive anger, are
meant to discourage the subject from upsetting, confronting, or contradicting
the oppressor. Beneath the skin, the manipulator is playing a game of
dominance, intimidation, and superiority over the victim.
Diverting Issues
When a manipulator is asked a question, especially one that relates to their
conduct, they are excellent at diverting the questions. Instead of giving real or
straight-to-the-point answers, they give confusing responses. Their aim is to
try and distract the question, especially if it might expose their negative
behavior. In most cases, they will respond vaguely then come up with a
diversion tactic such as introducing another topic, asking a question of their
own or exploding.
Lying
Manipulators are masters at telling lies. Because their intentions and actions
are generally unpleasant, they know that by being honest, nobody would fall
for them. As such, they come up with lies. The lies that they fabricate are so
accurate that it is usually impossible to tell when they are false or not. While
the truth might ultimately come out, it will usually be too late for the victim
to respond. A manipulator will use any form of lies to convince their subjects
and get their way.

Intimidation
A manipulator likes to keep their victims on the defensive or in fear. They
pile threats and blames on the victim so that it appears like the victim is at
their mercy. Any time the victim tries to get away from them, they are
threatened, forcing them to obey the manipulator. You have heard of
relationships where either of the lovers threatens to leak indecent photos of
their partner if they tried to walk out or report them. This is a common form
of intimidation that is aided by the wide use of the internet.

Lying by Omission
Omission lying, or propaganda, is closely related to lying, only that in the
latter, everything the manipulator says is a lie. In omission lying, though, the
controller will tell a truthful subject but omit important issues that needed to
be highlighted. This is a form of manipulation that affects many parents
today. A good example is when a child requests for money to buy some treats
but end up buying drugs with the money. In this case, the child told the truth
about needing money to buy “treats” while in reality, the treats were drugs. In
short, if the parent knew the real intent of the child, they would not have
given them the money.

Denial
The whole life of a manipulator is lived in denial. They never see things for
what they are because if they did, it would have to start with the bitter fact
that their lives are messy. One of the reasons that a person will be okay with
invading others’ lives and destroying them is because they hate theirs.
Another behavior that is common with manipulators is that any time a
manipulator is accused of anything, they will refuse to take responsibility
regardless of whether there is evidence or not. In fact, they will reverse the
blame and place it on the subject.

Playing the victim

The final behavior we will discuss, which is common in manipulators is
playing the victim. No matter how ruthless these people can get, they always
make the world think they are oppressed, despite being the oppressors. This
method usually works in their favor because when they appear hurt, they
easily evoke feelings of pity, sympathy, and compassion. The majority of
people in the world are willing to help others who are suffering, and
manipulators are fond of exploiting such people and using them to further
their plans.
Examples of Manipulation
At this point in your reading, you are conversant with how manipulation
happens. You have probably realized that someone has been manipulating
you or you were once a victim. Manipulation occurs in all levels of life. You
might be manipulated by your sibling or spouse. On a much larger scale, one
country might manipulate another. That said, we are now going to look at
examples of manipulation. Some of the examples occur every day, while
others only arise during specific events. Primarily, we focus on personal-level
manipulation, you will find that there is no difference between grand-scale
manipulation and individual level manipulation. The principles are the same,
and what may differ are the methods applied.

Advertisement
Had you thought of advertising as a form of manipulation?
The aim of all advertisements is always to inform the audience. Obviously,
there are positive and negative advertisements. For example, we have
advertisements which call for charity to assist needy people. If we dissect
such an advert, we can see that in as much as it sways the audience into
contributing, the end goal is for the good of other people and not the
advertisers. Again, such adverts provide truthful information which a person
can verify before making their contributions.
On the darker side of adverts, and which we are constantly exposed to, the
aim is usually to persuade us to purchase products for the aim of profits for
the advertisers. The problem with some of these adverts is that they might
promise too much which they cannot deliver. Today, there are thousands of
forex trading brokers who splash websites with ads that promise lavish
lifestyles. Unsuspecting clients might get drawn in, only to later realize that
forex is equivalent to gambling, and most people who trade end up making
losses.
Similarly, some ads use public figures to endorse their products. They know
that by associating a product with a popular person, the consumers can trust
the products and feel a connection with the figure. Sexuality is also applied in
pushing products. Nude models are used to catch the attention of consumers,
even when sexuality and the product being marketed have no connection. All
of these are mind control techniques that are carefully scripted to convince
consumers to spend.

At Work
Employed people might not realize it, but most organizations use covert
manipulation to keep them motivated. The end goal of such organizations is
not to motivate them but increase output and make more profits or grow. We
all go to work and put in our best show because the management promises
bonuses and promotions. There are regular pieces of training that are used to
remind us of such rewards, which amount to manipulation. There are also
punishments in the event that one fails to meet set thresholds or if they break
certain rules. Punishments include demotions, penalties, suspensions, and
sacking. Since the employees are manipulated to perceive punishments as
justice for violating rules, they accept them and try hard not to break them.
On another level, harassment at work is a common occurrence today. Stories
are always emerging about hiring managers soliciting for bribes such as
money or sex so as to hire employees. The victims are blinded with the
reward of work and get torn between retaining professionalism and giving
into the manipulator’s demands. Even within organizations, employees are
sometimes threatened with punishment if they reject advances by their
superiors. Collectively these are all forms of manipulation.

In Relationships
This is one of the most notorious channels for manipulation, although, at
times, it may happen without both the victim and manipulator realizing it.
Manipulation in relationships might take a lot of forms. One of the common
manifestations is when one partner becomes the dominant lover. They make
all the decisions and expect their partner to obey them without objections.
This explains why people fight, quarrel, divorce, or kill each other, yet they
live together. There will be a partner who cries when arguments arise just to
attract sympathy. Others shout in rage or offer cold treatment to dominate
over the other.
Punishments and rewards are also common in romantic relationships. We can
take the case of “gold diggers,” that is, people who engage in romantic or
sexual relationships as long as they are rewarded with money. If the reward is
taken away, there are chances that the relationship will end. Similarly, some
relationships use sex as the reward, where one partner is persuaded to do
something in return for sex. In both of these situations, there is one party who
loses in order for the other to gain.

Cults
Cults are some of the most manipulative social organizations known today.
Since most of them deviate from normal or acceptable human acts and
beliefs, they need to control the minds of their followers to ensure control and
conformity. Cult leaders tend to portray themselves as superior leaders. To do
so, they relate themselves with supernatural beings or powers. It is typical to
hear them being addressed as closer to God than others while some refer to
themselves as gods. The aim is to demand submission from their members,
and so they can exercise mind control on them.
Another trait seen in cults is seclusion from the public. Some cults prohibit
their members from interacting with non-members citing pollution or purity.
The members are influenced to the extent of cutting ties with friends, family,
and even employment. While the reasons provided might be made to look
like the members are being protected, seclusion is actually meant to reduce
the chance of redemption. Cult leaders know that the more their members
interact with others, the likelier they are to see the truth. Cults are good
examples of mass manipulation.
 Chapter 18: The 4 Dark Psychology Traits
After taking a look at the different types of persuasion and what they all
mean, you may be able to see why dark persuasion is such a bad thing and
can be harmful for the victim. Being able to recognize the different
techniques that the manipulator may use can make it easier to understand
when it is being used on you.
So, how exactly is a dark persuader able to use this idea in order to carry out
their wishes? There are a few different types of tactics that a dark
manipulator is going to use, but some of the most common options include:

The Long Con

The first method that we are going to look at is the Long Con. This method is
kind of slow and drawn out, but it can be really effective because it takes so
long and is hard to recognize or even pinpoint when something went wrong.
Some of the main reasons that some people have the ability to resist
persuasion is because they feel that they are being pressured by the other
person, and this can make them back off. If they feel that there is a lack of
rapport or trust with the person who is trying to persuade them, they will steer
clear as well. The Long Con is so effective because they are able to overcome
these main problems and give the persuader exactly what they want.
The Long Con is going to involve the dark persuader to take their time,
working to earn the trust of their victim. They are going to take some time to
befriend the victim and make sure that their victim trusts and likes them. This
is going to be achieved by the persuader with artificial rapport building,
which sometimes seems excessive, and other techniques that will help to
increase the comfort levels between the persuader and their victim.
As soon as the persuader sees that the victim is properly readied
psychologically, the persuader is going to begin their attempts. They may
start out with some insincere positive persuasion. The persuader is going to
lead their victim into making a choice or doing some action that will actually
benefit the persuader. This is going to serve the persuader in two ways. First,
the victim starts to become used to persuasion by that persuader. The second
is that the victim is going to start making that mental association between a
positive outcome and the persuasion.
The Long Con is going to take a long period of time to complete because the
persuader doesn’t want to make it too obvious what they are doing. An
example of this is a victim who is a recently widowed lady who is vulnerable
because of their age and from their bereavement. After her loss, a man starts
to befriend her. This man may be someone she knows from church or even a
relative. He starts to spend more time with her, showing immense kindness
and patience, and it doesn’t take too long for her guard to drop when he
comes around.
Then this man starts to carry out some smaller acts of positive persuasion that
we talked about before. He may advise her of a better bank account to use or
a better way to reduce any monthly bills. The victim is going to appreciate
these efforts and the fact that the man is trying to help her and she takes the
advice.
Over some time, the man then tries to use some dark persuasion. He may try
to persuade her to let him invest some of her money. She obliges because of
the positive persuasion that was used in the past. Of course, the man is going
to work to take everything he can get from her. If the manipulator is skilled
enough, she may feel that he actually tried to help her, but the money is lost
because he just ran into some bad luck with the investment. This is how far
dark persuasion can go.

Gradualist
Often when we hear about acts of dark persuasion, it seems impossible and
unbelievable. What they fail to realize is that this dark persuasion isn’t ever
going to be a big or a sudden request that comes out of nowhere. Dark
persuasion is more like a staircase. The dark persuader is never going to ask
the victim to do something big and dramatic the first time they meet. Instead,
they will have the victim take one step at a time.
When the manipulator has the target only go one step at a time, the whole
process seems like less of a big deal. Before the victim knows it, they have
already gone a long way down, and the persuader isn’t likely to let them
leave or come back up again.
Let’s take an example of how this process is going to look in real life. Let’s
say that there is a criminal who wanted to make it so that someone else
committed the crimes for them. Gang bosses, cult leaders, and even Charles
Manson did this exact same thing.
This criminal wouldn’t dream of beginning the process by asking their victim
to murder for them. This would send out a red flag, and no one in their right
minds would willingly go out and kill for someone they barely know. Instead,
the criminal would start out by having the victim do something small, like a
petty crime, or simply hiding a weapon for them. Something that isn’t that
big of a deal for the victim, at least in comparison.
Over time, the acts that the manipulator is able to persuade their victim to do
will become more severe. And since they did the smaller crimes, the
persuader now has the unseen leverage of holding some of those smaller
misdeeds over the victim, kind of like for blackmail. Before the victim knows
it, they are going to feel like they are in too deep. They will then be
persuaded to carry out some of the most shocking crimes. And often, by this
point, they will do it because they feel like they have no other choice.
Dark persuaders are going to be experts at using this gradualist to help
increase the severity of their persuasion over time. They know that no victim
would be willing to jump the canyon or do the big crime or misdeed right
away. So, the persuader works to build them a bridge to get there. By the
time the victim sees how far in they are, it is too late to turn back.
 Chapter 19: Psychological Manipulation
Techniques

Gaslighting
Gas-lighting is one of the most lethal psychological manipulation techniques
out there. It’s where a manipulator tries to get their target to start questioning
their own reality. It involves getting someone to doubt their own memories
and perceptions, and instead, to start believing what the manipulator wants
them to believe.
The manipulator will sow seeds of doubt in the person so that they start
thinking that either they remember things wrong, or they are losing their
sanity. Gaslighting involves the persistent denial of things that obvious facts.
It also involves a lot of misdirection, contradictions, and blatant lying. When
a person is subjected to gaslighting for a long time, they start to become
unstable, and they start feeling as though their own beliefs are illegitimate.
One common example of gaslighting is where an abuser convinces the victim
that the abusive incident she recalls did not even occur. This phenomenon is
more common than you might imagine, and it happens in all sorts of
relationships. An abusive spouse might deny ever abusing you when
confronted later, by either blatantly denying that they abuse occurred, or
claiming that it didn’t happen as you remember and that your version of the
events is greatly exaggerated.
A manipulative boss or colleague might prey on a subordinate and later deny
that it happened that way. Someone who groped you might later claim that
they "accidentally brushed against you," and they may insist on it so much, to
the point that you start thinking that maybe you were mistaken.
You may wonder; “How does it even work? I mean, I have a firm grasp of
my own reality, and I doubt someone could be able to convince me that my
perceptions are wrong!”
It’s easy to assume that gaslighting won’t work on you because you are smart
or because you are strong-willed, but the truth is that when a manipulator is
good at what he is doing, you might not even see it coming. The way it works
is that it often starts with small lies on the manipulator's part and small
concessions on your part.
Say, for example, your boyfriend shows up a few minutes late to an
appointment when you had agreed to meet at a specific time, and he insists
that he is on time and that it’s you who came in and is mistaken about the
timing that you agreed upon. At that moment, you might think, "Well, a 10-
minute difference isn't such a big deal, and maybe we just got our lines
crossed". You could dismiss this small discrepancy because it seems
inconsequently, but that will just be the beginning. The next time, the lie will
get a little bigger, and you will feel obligated to excuse it as well, because
you already let something else slide, so it would seem inconsistent if you
made a big fuss at this point.
After that initial seed is sown, the lies will start to escalate, and you will
continue making concessions and agreeing with things that you know are lies,
until one day, you realize that you are so far gone. You might not even notice
when the small lies graduate into bigger lies. In every step of the way, you
will be letting go of your reality and accepting the other person's version of
things, and you will find yourself trusting their judgment over your own.
In a nutshell, gaslighting involves desensitizing you to your own reality, until
the truth becomes what the other person says it is.
Gaslighting is more likely to work in situations where there is a power
dynamic between two people, or between a person and a group of people. In
a relationship where the victim is financially or emotionally dependent on the
manipulator, the victim may accept to let go of her reality because its more
comfortable to do so than to stand up to the manipulator, only to end up
losing the relationship. In the workplace, a subordinate may go along with the
boss’s lies because he is afraid of losing his job. In a situation where a leader
gaslight his followers, it often works because deep within, the followers want
to believe whatever lies the leader is telling them.
There are several techniques that gas lighters use to get a stranglehold on
their victims. One such technique is withholding. This is where the
manipulator refuses to listen to what the victim says or pretends not to
understand what they are saying. You might bring up something important,
but the response you get is, "I don't even remember this thing you keep
talking about."
Another gaslighting technique is called countering. This is where the
manipulator questions the victim’s memory of the events in questions. They
say things like “Were you even sober? Because that is not how that
happened." The manipulator would then go on to offer an entirely different
version of the story, where he casts himself as the hero or even the "real
victim."
Gas lighters also use blocking and diverting as a manipulation technique.
This is where they change the story or question the way the victim is thinking
in order to avoid addressing whatever issue the victim is raising.
 Image Source: Career Contessa
Projection
Projection is a psychological manipulation technique where someone
transfers their emotions and mistakes onto you. Projection is a defense
mechanism that almost everyone uses to some extent. We all have a natural
tendency to project our negative emotions and undesirable feelings onto the
people around us, and this often happens when we feel like we have been put
on the spot. However, in as much as we all do it, narcissists and people with
other dark personality traits tend to do it excessively and to absurd extents.
Toxic people find it very difficult to admit even to themselves that the nasty
things around them could be a result of their own doing, and they always find
people to blame for every little thing that happens. Such people often go out
of their way to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. As a result,
they may assign their negative behavior and traits to you. For example, if you
have a boss who is always late to work, you might be surprised to find him
accusing you of tardiness even if you are consistently punctual. A
kleptomaniac is more likely to accuse you of stealing his/her personal items.
In relationships, a manipulator who cheats on your is more likely to accuse
you of cheating in him/her or to act in a way that suggests that he/she
suspects you of cheating. When a person is cheating on you, he may choose
to spy on you by checking your messages, phone calls, and emails, and he is
more likely to barrage you with questions every time you are a few minutes
late. Now, a good partner may get a little suspicious or insecure if you
suddenly become more secretive or absent, but if your partner starts treating
you with suspicion even if you acting completely normal, chances are they
are the ones who are cheating, and they are just projecting it onto you.
Isolation
We all have social support systems that help us cope with difficult situations
and keep us from making decisions that are bad for us. We have friends and
family members who take notice when our behavior changes, or when we
start hanging out with "bad people," and they always watch our backs.
Manipulators understand this, and one of the first things that they'll do when
trying to gain control over your life is to isolate you.
Isolation facilitates abuse because it takes away any recourse that you might
have when someone starts getting abusive. It closes a victim's avenues of
escape, and it increases their sense of helplessness. It ensures that when
things go south, there's no one there to rescue you. It increases the power that
the abuser or manipulator has over the victim because it makes the victim
more dependent on the abuser.
Isolating the victim from the outside world is widely used by all sort of
manipulators. When a cult leader tries to indoctrinate young recruits, he will
make sure that they are locked away so that he can have complete control
over the information that they receive. The same happens in abusive
relationships, workplace bullying, and many other areas.
When an abuser sets out to isolate you, he will start by driving a wedge
between you and the people that you depend on. He will learn everything
about the dynamics between you and your family and friends, and he will use
the weaknesses in your bonds to sow distrust and conflict. For example, if a
guy knows that you are close with your sister, but you have some unresolved
childhood conflicts with her, he may try to reignite those conflicts so that you
start drifting apart.
In the workplace, a manipulator may create animosity between you and your
colleagues so that they get mad at you and stop siding with you or watching
your back. If you join a cult or any sort of group and the leader is a
manipulator, he may insist that you cut ties with your family and friends, and
only depend on other people within that group.
Rivals in business, at work, or even in your personal life can isolate you by
smearing your name and discrediting you with other members of the
community. “Divide and conquer” is also a form of isolation that is used
especially by people with the Machiavellianism trait. In this instance, the
manipulator is using isolation as a double-edged sword to gain control over
both parties that are being pulled apart from each other.

Positive Reinforcement
We always think of positive reinforcement as a good thing, but malicious
people can also use it to manipulate their victims. The fact is that we all use
positive reinforcement in one form or another. Parents use it to get their kids
to behave properly, teachers use it to make their students more interested in
school, bosses use it to encourage productivity, and partners use it to modify
each other’s behavior in relationships. It is an integral part of our social
interactions, but it only becomes a problem when it’s detrimental of the
person it’s being used on.
Positive reinforcement happens when a good or desirable stimulus is
presented in such a way that it appears to be a consequence of certain
behavior. For example, a child who eats his vegetables gets a scoop of ice-
cream at the end of the meal, and it registers in his mind that those two things
are intricately linked. An employee who works hard and becomes more
productive gets a bonus at the end of the month, and her brain makes the
connection between the hard work and the extra disposable income. The next
time the person has to perform the same activity, he/she will recall the
positive feeling or the reward and will take a course of action that ensures
he/she gets a similar outcome.
When manipulators use positive reinforcements, they are always trying to get
you to do things that benefit them. For example, an abusive person in a
relationship may buy you a gift after a major abusive incident in order to
keep you from leaving or reporting him. You may have heard of people who
hit their spouses and then buy them flowers the next day. In such cases, the
abuser is trying to get you to accept the abuse as a norm that comes with a
reward. The message here is that "if you shut up, you get something nice."

Negative Reinforcement
Negative reinforcement is a form of psychological manipulation which is
used to make people feel obligated to act in certain ways in order to avoid
certain levels of mental or physical pain or discomfort. In positive
reinforcement, you get a reward for acting the way the manipulator wants you
to act, and the desire for that reward is what modifies your behavior in the
future. Negative reinforcement is, however, a bit more complicated than that.

To understand the concept of negative reinforcement, you first have to

understand how it’s different from punishment. Both of them are popular
manipulation techniques, but there is a subtle difference between them. Many
people assume that they are the same thing, but they are not. In punishment,
the manipulator adds something negative when you don't act a certain way. In
negative reinforcement, the manipulator subtracts something negative when
you act the way they want you to act.
Reinforcement is meant to strengthen voluntary responses, while punishment
is meant to weaken voluntary responses; the manipulator will choose one
method or the other based on the kind of outcome that they desire in that
particular situation.

Punishment
In psychological manipulation, punishment is a negative action that is taken
by the manipulator to weaken the victim’s voluntary responses. Punishment
works because it makes the victim fear the consequences of going against the
will of the manipulator. We have already looked at how punishment differs
from negative reinforcement, but we should point out that in some instances,
those two can overlap. In this segment, we will take a look at some of the
most common types of punishment that people with dark personality traits
use to manipulate their victims.

Nagging
Nagging, also known as pestering or hectoring, is a form of manipulation
where one person continuously urges another to do something, despite the
other person previously refusing to do it or to agree to do it at a later time.
One author famously described nagging as an interaction where one person
makes a repeated request while the other person repeatedly ignores that
request, and both people become annoyed as the battle of wills escalates.
Although it has negative connotations, nagging is actually an integral part of
interpersonal communication in many social dynamics. Parents nag their kids
to get them to do certain things. In fact, nagging is necessary when training
children to take up certain constructive habits. Nagging may also be used by
well-meaning people; friends or partners may nag you to do things that
benefit you. In fact, some amount of nagging is necessary even in healthy
relationships. However, people with dark personality traits may nag you to do
things that benefit them and impact you negatively.

Yelling
Yelling works as a manipulation technique for one simple reason; it makes
you feel uncomfortable or afraid to the point that you comply with whatever
the manipulator wants you to do. There are two main ways in which
manipulators use yelling to manipulate others. People either yell to dominate
over you, or to play the victim and to gain your sympathy.
Yelling can be used to intimidate someone. When a manipulative person yells
at you, he may be trying to intimidate you because you are more likely to do
what he wants if you are afraid of them. Manipulative people resort to yelling
partly because at that moment; they know that they are unable to make a
logical argument to get you to do what they want. They know that if you stick
to the facts of the matter, you might come out on top, so they yell because
they want to disorient you and make you lose the argument by default.

Silent treatment
The silent treatment works as a manipulation technique because it's a form of
love withdrawal. When a person gives you the silent treatment, they are
essentially saying, "I’m taking away the love unless you do what I want." It is
a form of punishment that is designed to control people, and it's a very
popular type of emotional abuse.
The silent treatment only works in cases where there is some level of
emotional dependency between the two parties (you don't really care if a total
stranger gave you the silent treatment). In certain dynamics, the silent
treatment can be used to make you feel powerless and invisible; as if you
don’t even exist.
As social beings, we need the approval and the affection of others to thrive.
Even people who are introverted need to have some sort of back and forth
with the people in their lives to feel whole. When someone gives you the
silent treatment, they deny you that affection, and it can mess with you
psychologically, and force you to make certain concessions that you aren't
ready to make.
 Chapter 20: Types of Emotional Manipulation

What is Emotional Manipulation?

Now that we have covered the basic foundations of dark psychology,
including the concept of seriously dangerous psychopathy and the irreversible
movement toward the Dark Singularity, you may feel a sense of relief that
these societal problems have been identified, and that a system for addressing
them has been established. In addition, you may also breathe a sigh of relief
knowing that the most serious offenders are somewhat rare, and that your
chances of encountering them on a daily basis are fairly low.
If you agree that knowledge of the traits of dark psychology is a good first
step toward protecting yourself from these dangers—that’s great! Knowledge
is power, more so in the information age than ever.
However, the truth of dark psychology is that lower levels of these deviant
personality traits are extremely common. Worse yet, they are often
legitimized by the very institutions and people we depend upon to address
such violations. Especially in the contemporary environment, in which
technology has fostered and encouraged the development of alienation and
anti-social lifestyles to the unprecedented degree that they now provide a
potentially viable and sustainable means of financial and social support,
understanding how dark psychology manifests itself can make the difference
between success and failure. As the following diagram illustrates, your ability
to establish a high level of emotional intelligence has a direct effect on your
job performance:
We will explore how people who exhibit deviant personality traits may use
dark psychology to manipulate and control others.

Types of Emotional Manipulation

Discussing manipulative behavior accurately requires that we examine this
problem from two perspectives: from the perspective of clinical psychology
and from the perspective of every-day relationships. We will begin by
discussing different types of emotional manipulation using clinical
terminology.
Many clinical psychologists have studied and classified manipulative
behavior according to well-established theories of behavior modification and
cognitive learning. We will look first at some of the techniques identified by
a few of these psychologists before looking at real-world examples and signs
that someone is trying to manipulate you.

Characteristics of a Manipulative Relationship

First, one theory states that emotional manipulation is essentially a one-sided
activity in which all of the effort to create, execute, and sustain a
manipulative relationship is made by the manipulator. Such relationships
generally have three defining characteristics:
Concealment: The true motivations of the manipulator—aggression and
control—are concealed by behavior that appears friendly and helpful.
It is more difficult to conceal problems with aggression and control in our
personal, intimate relationships, our friendships, and our relationships among
family members. As a result, these types of relationships are more likely to
develop in the workplace or in your community among business owners and
their staff or other professionals.
For example, you may encounter a co-worker who, on the surface, is always
friendly toward you at work. This person may always be willing to find a
place for you at the table during lunch break or may always appear at your
cubicle with a smile and offer lots of encouragement and advice. This type of
conduct in itself may be a good sign. However, if this relationship ultimately
leads to a friendship outside of the office, an emotional manipulator may
misinterpret your intent.
In the less-regulated world outside of the workplace, emotional predators
may exploit the trust they have established by making unreasonable demands
on your time, asking for favors, and putting pressure on you to agree by
suggesting there could be repercussions at work. A truly gifted manipulator
will know how to make this threatening behavior look and feel friendly and
perfectly reasonable until you have been too badly compromised to take any
action to reverse course.
Profiling: The manipulator will have studied the vulnerabilities of the victim,
so that he or she will be able to exploit them more effectively.
This type of predatory conduct has become much worse in the current
environment of surveillance and social networking sites. We will examine
some of the character traits that make people more attractive targets for
emotional manipulation.
Often in the work environment, this type of personality can manifest itself
without your awareness. Especially if you work for a large company, anyone
who has access to personnel records or other sources of information may feel
they have the luxury to profile you so that when they do finally approach,
they will appear quite calm and confident.
If someone with whom you have had little or no direct contact seems to know
a lot about you, you should be cautious. Often, being overly enthusiastic,
paying you a lot of compliments, and telling you that you have earned a great
reputation is a technique used to hide the true intentions of the manipulator.
Amorality: The manipulator will possess high degrees of amorality and a lack
of remorse, both of which enable behavior that is ruthless, cunning, and
treacherous.
Often, we expect that a simple, polite request to cease harmful, rude, or
disruptive behavior should be sufficient to end predatory or violative
misconduct. Although we may be right, Dark Triad personalities who lack
empathy find it easy to engage in amoral behavior. Even worse, far from
feeling any remorse as a result of committing abuses, they often feel a great
sense of joy, victory, and accomplishment. As the saying goes, such reactions
add insult to injury.
Further, in the competitive business environment, this type of dishonest and
illegal behavior may be rewarded. Meanwhile, the efforts of diligent, honest
employees may go unrewarded, and their complaints of abuse may result in
punishments levied against them rather than the perpetrators.
Categories of Emotionally Manipulative Behavior
Understanding the basic dynamics of manipulative and abusive relationships
is important. Each of these general types of relationships may be
characterized by specific types of behavior. Psychologists have identified
many specific techniques of behavior modification commonly employed by
emotional manipulators. Some of these techniques include:
Positive reinforcement: This technique was identified by the behavioral
psychologist B.F. Skinner, whose theory of operant conditioning resulted
from his experiments with small animals placed in cages. In his experiment to
prove the theory of positive reinforcement, he used cages equipped with two
levers—one lever did nothing, while the other produced a food pellet
whenever the small animal pushed it. Soon, the animals learned through
positive reinforcement which lever to push to get their reward.
Emotional manipulators employ positive reinforcement in their strategies by
using techniques such as praise, false and superficial demonstrations of
emotions such as charm and sympathy, excessive rewards including gifts,
money, approval, and attention, and other outward demonstrations of emotion
meant to make the victim feel good.
Negative reinforcement: The other part of Skinner’s experiment proved the
effectiveness of negative reinforcement. For this part of his experiment, small
animals were again placed in cages, which were again equipped with two
levers. This time, the cages were charged with a mild voltage of electricity
that caused slight discomfort to the animals that were placed in them. Once
inside the cages, the animals would press one of the two levers. One of the
levers did not produce any results, while the other stopped the electrical
current, relieving the discomfort. Soon, the animals learned to press the lever
that lessened their pain.
Emotional manipulators employ negative reinforcement in their strategies by
using techniques such as removing someone from a difficult situation or
relieving them of the responsibility to complete a previously agreed job or
task in exchange for some type of favor.
Intermittent reinforcement: Intermittent reinforcement can be either positive
or negative and is used to create doubt, fear, or uncertainty. An emotional
manipulator may “train” his or her victim by imposing inconsistent reward
and punishment mechanisms to lessen the victim’s sense of confidence,
control, and autonomy.
For example, in a romantic relationship, the predator may condition the
victim to wear certain clothing, listen to certain music, eat certain types of
food, and work at a certain type of job. As the victim in this relationship
gains confidence, the predator may begin to discourage their victim, who will
be caught off guard. As the victim scrambles to respond, the manipulator may
again change tactics.
Punishment: Punishment is a very basic form of emotional manipulation that
may involve an entire range of psychologically and emotionally negative and
damaging behavior, such as threats, yelling, nagging, complaining,
intimidation, insults, guilt, and other forms of emotional blackmail. Skilled
predators may find a way to incorporate this abusive and controlling behavior
into the relationship over time, so that the victim will develop a tolerance for
abuse.
Traumatic one-trial learning: This technique is related to the use of
punishments, but rather than a feature of a long-term relationship, these
techniques involve discrete episodes in which the manipulator uses verbal
abuse, demonstrations of anger, and other forms of dominance and
intimidation to discourage the victim from certain types of behavior.

Specific Types of Emotional Manipulation

Within these major categories of emotional manipulation techniques,
psychologists have also identified a wide range of more subtle variations that
we all likely encounter on a daily basis. These techniques include:
Lying: Dark Triad personalities, particularly psychopaths, are highly skilled
at lying and cheating, so often that we may not detect their intent until it is
too late. Beware of those who have demonstrated a pattern of dishonesty.
Lying by omission - In this case, lying by omission is considerably subtle.
The predator may not say anything that is untrue but may withhold
information that is necessary in an effort to cause you to fail.
Denial: Often the damage from emotional manipulation is inflicted after the
fact. When you confront someone with evidence of their dishonesty and
abuse, their refusal to admit wrongdoing can cause even greater
psychological harm.
Rationalization: The increase in popular news media has led to the growth of
public relations and marketing firms who produce “spin” to deflect criticism
in both political and corporate environments. Rationalization is a form of
spin, in which a manipulator explains away his or her abuse.
Minimization: Like rationalization, minimization is a form of denial in which
the predator understates the seriousness of his or her offense.
Selective attention and/or inattention: Manipulators will pick and choose
which parts of an argument or debate should be considered so that only their
views are represented.
Diversion: Manipulators often resist giving straight answers to questions,
particularly when they are confronted by their victim. Instead, they will divert
the conversation to some other topic or
Evasion: More serious than diversion, a manipulative person confronted with
his or her own guilt will often completely evade responsibility by using long
rambling responses filled with so-called “weasel words,” like “most people
would say,” “according to my sources,” or other phrases that falsely
legitimize their excuses.
Covert intimidation: Many manipulative people will make implied threats to
discourage further inquiries or resolution.
Guilt tripping: A true form of emotional manipulation, a manipulator will
exploit the integrity and conscientiousness of the victim by accusing them of
being too selfish, too irresponsible, or not caring enough.
Shaming: Although shaming can be used to bring about social change when
large corporations or governments advance abusive or discriminatory
policies, manipulators may attempt to intimidate their victims by using sharp
criticism, sarcastic comments, or insults to make them feel bad.
Blaming the victim - This tactic has become increasingly common. When a
victim accuses a predator of abuse, the predator will attempt to turn it around
by creating a scenario in which the victim alone is responsible for the harm
that came to him. The predator may also try to accuse the victim of being the
aggressor by complaining about the violation.
Playing the victim - Using the opposite tactic of blaming the victim, the
predator will lure a conscientious person into a trap by pretending to have
been grievously wounded and cultivating feelings of sympathy. The real plan,
however, is to take advantage of the caring nature of the conscientious person
by toying with their emotions.
Playing the servant: This tactic is common in environments marked by a
strict, well-established chain of command, like the military. Predators become
skilled at manipulating this system by creating a persona of suffering and
nobility, in which their bad actions are justified as duty, obedience, and
honor.
Seduction: This technique does not always have to involve sexual conquest or
intimacy. Emotional predators may use flattery and charm to convince people
to do their bidding, and they often look for people with low self-esteem.
Projection: This term is used in psychotherapy. Predators who use this
technique will look for victims to use as scapegoats. When the manipulator
does something wrong and is confronted, he or she will “project” his or guilt
onto the victim in an effort to make the victim look like the responsible party.
Feigning innocence: This technique can be used as part of a strategy of
denial. Under questioning, the manipulator will “play innocent” by
pretending that any violation was unintentional or that they were not the party
who committed the violation. A skilled manipulator who lacks morality and
empathy can be very successful at planting the seed of doubt.
Feigning confusion: This technique can also be used as part of a strategy of
denial. Under questioning, the manipulator will “play dumb” or pretend to be
confused about the central point of the conflict or dispute. By creating
confusion, the manipulator hopes to damage the confidence of his or victim.
Peer pressure: By using claims, whether true or not, that the victim’s friends,
associates, or “everyone else” is doing something, the manipulator will put
pressure on his victim to change his or her behavior or attitude.
 Chapter 21: Persuasion with NLP Method

Models of neuro-linguistic programming

Strategies
The neuro-linguistic programming theory states that every aspect of the
world that we live in is one or a blend of five key strategies. However, over
the past decade, psychologists have added two more.
Memory
We have talked about how we use our senses to gather data from the external
world. Well, our memories come into play when we are processing these
inputs. Notice how you tend to access certain experiences when you are
trying to determine whether or not an act is good, neutral, or evil. Moreover,
this is the same process utilized when you are learning from a mistake or
relishing in the memory of your past achievements. You may be unconscious
toward this process, but each and every one of us is always retrieving
information from our memory so that we can use it in our decision-making
and critical thinking.
Belief
As soon as you process these memories, you establish your own set of
interpretations and beliefs. By looking at your experiences, you begin to
allow yourself to believe in a higher state that is achievable. With this, you
try to aim for something higher. Moreover, you also allow yourself to believe
in concepts that will aid your journey in achieving something higher than
your current state.
Motivation
The strategical concept of motivation is a combination of memory, belief, and
decision. You see, memory is accessed by the individual so that reality is set.
Then, you start to compare this set reality to a higher state. You decide which
of the options available to you can lead you this higher state. With all of these
combined, you feel motivated to achieve your goals. Motivation is typically
different from each individual as it would depend on one’s belief and
experience.
Decision
As soon as you realize that there is a higher state that can be achieved, you
start to notice the options that are available to you, and you begin to evaluate
which of these can help you achieve your goals. You undergo an assessment
of what you have experienced in the past, your current situation, and your
possible future. After which, you identify how each option can lead you to
success. These will serve as your guide on the road to achieving your ideal
future. Keep in mind that this strategy is in relation to Test-Operation-Test-
Exit (TOTE), which is the strategical model that is traditionally used by
psychologists.
Learning
Finally, the strategy of learning incorporates memory, decision, and
motivation so that you are much more efficient in achieving your goals.
Memory is accessed so that you are much more knowledgeable as to how you
can handle the current tasks. Moreover, your past decisions allow you to
assess all of your successes and failures. As a result, you’ll be inclined to
make wiser decisions in the future. Motivation, on the other hand, will
prevent you from making the same mistakes. With these strategies, you’ll be
forced to acquire information on what you already know, what you have
experienced in the past, and what you plan on doing.
Sub modalities
We have already established that an individual will use their five basic
senses, which are gustatory or the sense of taste, visual or the sense of sight,
olfactory or the sense of smell, auditory or the sense of hearing, and of
course, kinesthetic or the sense of touch; these are referred to as modalities in
neuro-linguistic programming. Do note that these modalities are basically
systems of representations that are transmitted and sorted out by the brain.
These are the things that affect how we see the world. Furthermore, these
modalities can be broken down into submodalities or subjective divisions.
One fair example would be to look at a particular experience and determine
whether they are considered as a good or bad experience. Depending on what
you have experienced in the past, you would say that it is a good experience
or a bad one. One person as unimportant can view it, while another would see
it as life changing. Thus, these sub modalities play a crucial role in your
development as an individual. It affects you on a larger scale, and it
transforms your personality based on how you transform past experiences.
Moreover, there are certain techniques you can use to establish an entirely
different perspective on unpleasant experiences. This idea does not
necessarily mean you have to alter reality or completely ignore it. You are
only providing sub modalities to subjective experiences so that you are better
able to alter your attitude into a more useful one for success and learning.

Anchoring
When it comes to anchoring, you are actually connecting memories to a
stimulus. This stimulus, which is referred to by some as an anchor, becomes a
set off to the initial reaction. Do note that a particular anchor does not
necessarily have any rational connection to the initial reaction. However, the
utilization of these anchors will allow you to stimulate reactions that can
change your behavioral patterns toward a condition. The stimuli of sound,
sight, smell, taste, and touch are used in neuro-linguistic programming to
bring about a particular mindset. This situation can be a memory that you
wish to access so that you can change your perspective in life into something
more positive. As soon as the stimulus is initialized, it elicits a certain
mindset with specific emotions and thoughts. This is why hearing an old song
makes you feel nostalgic about your childhood.
In NLP, anchoring becomes useful because you are given a chance to
associate certain triggers that you wish to achieve. You are given the power
to establish an anchor, as well as create a stimulus and induce a state of mind
that is essential for you to achieve success. For example: when someone you
love gives you a memento, such as a locket, then this locket becomes the
trigger. Moreover, your memories with that person become a state of mind.
These two are closely tied together that at times when you look at the
particular object, you immediately think about the individual who handed it
to you, a resourceful state. These anchors can be either visual, kinesthetic, or
auditory. You can utilize these as tools to create a mental image that is easily
retrievable from your memory so that you are better able to facilitate a
response. This tactic improves an individual’s critical and subjective point of
view of the environment.
You may ask how all of these are essential to dark psychology and the power
of manipulation. You need to be able to read them first. If you want to read
people, then you would need to have a keen eye as to what their anchors are.
Aside from paying attention to how their body reacts to certain things,
knowledge of these anchors can actually facilitate in the gathering of
information on the one being manipulated.
Visual anchors
One common misconception about visual anchors is that these are only
external. However, visual anchors can be both external and internal. When
talking about external visual anchors, we are pertaining to what is literally
seen by the naked eye. An internal visual anchor, on the other hand, pertains
to the use of our imagination. Going back to our example of the locket, the
external anchor is the locket itself, whereas, the internal anchor could be a
mental image of the person who gave you the locket. Visual anchors can be
objects, people, places, or shapes. This is why some things in our life possess
sentimental value.
Auditory anchors
Similar to visual anchors, auditory anchors can also be internal or external.
The exact tune or sound that you hear is actually an auditory anchor that is
external, whereas, when you hear the voice in your head, this is more of an
internal auditory anchor. Listening to a particular song to help soothe you is
an excellent example of an external auditory anchor. Moreover, you can also
recall the voice of your big sister calming you and relate it with a fond
memory in your childhood so that you are better able to relax.
Kinesthetic anchors
When talking about internal kinesthetic anchors, we are pertaining to
imagined actions or gestures received because you did something great. It
could be a memory of a hug, handshake, or a pat on the back. Do note that
these are all imagined. These are usually associated with a feeling of success
or achievement. As for external kinesthetic anchors, these are the actual hugs
felt, handshakes made, and the literal pat on the back.

Trans-derivational search
This kind of search, which is also known as TDS, is a phrase utilized at times
when an individual attempts to search for the meaning of ambiguous
statements. It is a fundamental human tendency to look for the missing pieces
of data from our experiences and memory to provide significance to these
incomplete statements. There is a present state of confusion experienced by
the individual during the time when the search is being executed; this actually
allows you to experience a trance-like feeling. Neuro-linguistic programming
experts can easily put their patients into a trance-like condition or state of
hypnosis because of this. You have a better chance of manipulating another
person by taking advantage of the window at which they are experiencing
TDS. This is made possible by mentioning ambiguous and incomplete
statements.

Leading statements
If you want to utilize the concepts under TDS, then you should master how to
create leading statements. These statements must elicit the feeling of
uncertainty from the other person. It must be ambiguous enough to trigger the
imagination to try to complete the statement. Furthermore, your leading
statement should initiate a mood without providing its full explanation. As a
result, the brain will be tempted to process the information provided and to
find its missing pieces. Here are some great examples of what your leading
statements should be.
“What you said yesterday.” This particularly vague statement will allow the
mind to definitely wander and retrace everything that has happened within
the set parameters of the statement, which is yesterday. The individual that
you are trying to manipulate will then consider everything relevant to the
discussion. They will consider the period and the words you have said, and
then they will search internally for the idea that will make your initial
statement complete. Their mind will start to go through a certain process of
elimination until they are able to narrow down to the actual meaning of the
statement.
“The different shades of paint.” If you utter this statement to an individual,
that person’s mind will start to explore all of the possible shades of paint.
Your leading statement was able to set the parameters and scope, which are
the shades of paint, without fully divulging the exact answer as to which
shade. This will lead the other person to wonder which shade you are
referring to.
“You forgot.” This simple statement still presents a certain level of mystery
and wonder because it is present in the mind, yet it doesn’t give away all of
the needed information for the other person to fully comprehend what you’re
trying to say. As a result, the other person is forced to search for the meaning
internally through stored memory and information. They will attempt to
figure out the exact person, place, event, or object that may have already been
forgotten. These statements are very powerful if you want to manipulate
others.

Textual ambiguity
To successfully manipulate other people, you need to present some level of
ambiguity in what you say or do. The ambiguity comes from the inability of
an individual to fully comprehend a combination of words. They are not able
to understand the contextual meaning of the words and statements that you
have said.
“Has there been a box jumping up and down the street?” This is an
ambiguous statement as anyone who hears this would immediately try to
interpret it as a whole. At times, some would even try to interpret at least only
the terms that can be understood.
 Chapter 22: The Mind Control
Mind control involves using influence and persuasion to change the
behaviors and beliefs in someone. That someone might be the person
themselves or it might be someone else. Mind control has also been referred
to as brainwashing, thought reform, coercive persuasion, mental control, and
manipulation, just to name a few. Some people feel that everything is done by
manipulation. But if that is true or to be believed, then important points about
manipulation will be lost. Influence is much better thought of as a mental
continuum with two extremes. One side has influences that are respectful and
ethical and work to improve the individual while showing respect for them
and their basic human rights. The other side contains influences that are dark
and destructive that work to remove basic human rights from a person, such
as independence, the ability for rational thought, and sometimes their total
identity.
When thinking of mind control, it is better to see it as a way to use influence
on other people that will disrupt something in them, like their way of thinking
or living. Influence works on the very basis of what makes people human,
such as their behaviors, beliefs, and values. It can disrupt the very way they
chose personal preferences or make critical decisions. Mind control is
nothing more than using words and ideas to convince someone to say or do
something they might never have thought of saying or doing on their own.
Mind control uses the idea that someone’s decisions and emotions can be
controlled using psychological means. It is using powers of negotiation or
mental influence to ensure the outcome of the interaction is more favorable to
one person over the other. This is basically what marketing is: convincing
someone to do something particular or buy something in particular. Being
able to control someone else’s mind merely means understanding the power
of human emotion and being able to play upon those emotions. It is easier to
have a mental impact on people if there is a basic understanding of human
emotions.
A lot of the forms of mind control are considered to be rooted in dark
psychology because many believe that mind control is an impure strategy
used by those who cannot be bothered to do things themselves. They believe
that it is a form of evil hence why it is called “dark” psychology. While we
certainly do not want to alleviate the blame from true criminals, you should
understand that you are not a criminal for using mind control strategies.
Mind control in this day and age can be a powerful way to encourage people
to do the things you need or want them to do. Obviously, this type of
powerful strategy can not only be used to have people do bad things or to
create criminal results, but it can also be used to encourage positive results.
Mind control is a technique whereby you use various psychological
techniques to alter someone’s mind. In doing so, you can change the way
they think about various things so that their thought processes work in your
favor. This technique can enable you to achieve virtually anything you want
with the help of virtually anyone you want. It truly puts you in the driver’s
seat of reality and allows you to have an effortless ability to live your desired
life with your desired outcomes.

Brainwashing
Brainwashing is basically the procedure where somebody will be connived to
abandon ideas that they had in the past in order to take new perfects and also
worth’s. There is a great deal of manner ins which this can be done although
not every one of them will certainly be taken into consideration bad. For
example, if you are from an African nation and then relocate to America, you
will certainly usually be required to change your worth’s and ideals in order
to fit in with the new culture and environments that you remain in. On the
various other hand, those in prisoner-of-war camp or when a brand-new
totalitarian government is taking over, they will certainly commonly undergo
the process of indoctrination in order to persuade people to follow along in
harmony.
Lots of people have misunderstandings of what brainwashing is. Some
individuals have extra paranoid concepts concerning the technique consisting
of mind control devices that are funded by the federal government and that
are believed to be conveniently turned on like a push-button control. On the
other side of points, there are skeptics that do not think that indoctrination is
feasible in any way which any individual who asserts it has actually
happened is lying. Generally, the practice of brainwashing will certainly land
someplace in the center of these two concepts.
Throughout the practice of brainwashing, the subject will certainly be
persuaded to transform their beliefs concerning something with a mix of
different tactics. There is not just one method that can be utilized throughout
this process so it can be challenging to place the method right into a cool little
box. Essentially, the topic will be divided from every one of the important
things that they understand. From there, they will certainly be damaged down
into an emotional state that makes them vulnerable prior to the new principles
are presented. As the subject absorbs this brand-new details, they will
certainly be compensated for sharing ideas and ideas which support these
new ideas. The rewarding is what will certainly be utilized in order to
reinforce the brainwashing that is occurring.
This is one of the most famous large scale CEM tactics. We hear about it
happening in religions, cults, oppressive governments, and captive
kidnapping victims. It is an intense form of social influence that can change
someone’s behavior and thoughts without his or her consent, and often
against their will.
Brainwashing requires the manipulator’s total control over their victim,
which is why is often requires total isolation of the victim such that their
sleeping, eating, and basic needs are interrupted. The complete control
required to brainwash someone is exactly the reason it occurs in cults and
prison camps. In these settings, leaders have unfettered access to their
vulnerable victims and can carry out their brainwashing techniques. In
addition, those who join cults or are in prison camps are ideal candidates for
brainwashing—they are vulnerable and because of their circumstances, are
already prone to trying to find new ways of thinking. Due to the victim’s
circumstantial flexibility of thought, brainwashing can take effect.

Who uses mind control

Media Producers
Just as our five senses are our guides in life, they can also be our enemies and
traitors. Our sense of sight and the visual processing areas of the brain are
very powerful. We almost always dream visually, even if another sense is
missing, and we usually picture someone we are remembering rather than
associating some other sensory input with them. This makes imagery and
visual manipulation a particularly powerful technique of media mind control.
Traditionally, media production was in the hands of companies and
institutions. These manipulative entities were able to pioneer the use of
visual, subliminal mind control. Examples include split-second pictures of a
product or person inserted into a seemingly innocent movie. Such split-
second images, which the person perceives as nothing more than a flash of
light, are able to take powerful control of a person's emotions. They have
been used as recently as 21st century Presidential elections.
Sound is another way in which a person is vulnerable to undetected mind
control. Both experiments and personal experience will confirm this to you.
Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? How easy was it to get rid of?
The sound had a powerful influence over you, even though you knew it was
present. The power of audio manipulation is even greater when it is
undetected. Experiments have shown that if restaurant customers are exposed
to music from a particular region, they are more likely to order wine from
that country. When questioned, they had no idea that something as simple as
sound had steered their decision.

Lovers
People are often a product of their environment, whether they want to be or
not. The way people are raised directly affects the way they act in later life.
Someone who is raised by alcoholics has a greater chance of becoming
alcoholics in adult life, or they may choose never to drink at all. People who
are raised in a house where everything is forbidden may cut loose and go a bit
crazy when they are finally out on their own. People who are raised in total
disorganization may grow up to be totally obsessive about household
cleanliness.
Nurture affects people in other, less severe ways, too. Many people believe
that Mom’s meatloaf is the absolute best and no other recipe exists. People
come from different religious and economic backgrounds. People have
different beliefs about what is good and bad, what is acceptable and
unacceptable. The problem comes when two people are trying to have a
relationship, but neither wants to change their way of thinking. When that
happens there is no relationship. There are just two people living together
under the same roof.
Achieving success in love is just like achieving success in anything else. It is
mostly a function of developing good relationships with other people in order
to be better able to influence them. Those people who are successful in
creating and keeping good, mutually satisfactory relationships with others
usually enjoy much more success than people who do not do this. The ability
to grow and maintain satisfactory relationships is a trait that is easier for
some people. But even if the ability does not come naturally it is easy enough
to learn. And Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) makes this skill easier to
learn by offering tools and ideas to enable almost anyone to learn the ability
to develop great relationships.

Sales people
If a salesperson asks a regular customer to write a brief endorsement of the
product they buy, hopefully, they will say yes. If someone asks their
significant other to take some of the business cards to pass out at work,
hopefully, they will say yes. If you write any kind of blog and ask another
blogger to provide a link to yours on their blog, hopefully, they will say yes.
When enough people say yes, the business or blog will begin to grow. With
even more yesses, it will continue to grow and thrive. This is the very simple
basis of marketing. Marketing is nothing more than using mind control to get
other people to buy something or to do something beneficial for someone
else. And the techniques can easily be learned.

Writers
Think of writing a guest spot for someone else who has their own blog. By
sending in the entire manuscript first, there is a greater risk of rejection.
Begin small. Send them a paragraph or two discussing them the idea. Then
make an outline of the idea and send that in an email. Then write the
complete draft you would like them too use and send it along. When asking a
customer for a testimonial, start by asking for a few lines in an email. Then
ask the customer to expand those few lines into a testimonial that covers at
least half a typed page. Soon the customer will be ready for an hour-long
webcast extolling the virtues of the product and your great customer service
skills.
Everything must have a deadline that really exists. The important word here
is the word ‘real’. Everyone has heard the salesperson who said to decide
quickly because the deal might not be available later or another customer was
coming in and they might get it. That is a total fabrication and everyone
knows it to be true. There are no impending other customers and the deal is
not going to disappear. There is no real sense of urgency involved. But
everyone does it. There are too many situations where people are given a
totally fake deadline by someone who thinks it will instill a great sense of
urgency for completion of the task. It is not only totally not effective but
completely unneeded. It is a simple matter to create true urgency. Only leave
free things available for a finite amount of time. When asking customers for
testimonials be certain to mention the last possible day for it to be received to
be able to be used. Some people will be unable to assist, but having people
unable to participate is better than never being able to begin.

In Education
By educating impressionable children, society essentially teaches them to
become “ideal” members of society. They are taught and trained in certain
ways that fulfil the desires of the government and authorities, and most
people don’t even think twice about it.

Advertising and Propaganda

By putting advertising and propaganda everywhere, those in control are
capable of eliminating people’s feeling of self-worth and encourage them to
need what is being sold, as opposed to just wanting it. This is essentially a
subliminal strategy to make people feel poorly about themselves so that they
will purchase whatever is being advertised to increase their feelings of self-
worth.

Sports, Politics, Religion

The idea of these strategies is to “divide and conquer”. Ultimately, each one
has people placed into various categories, where they feel very strongly. As a
result, they don’t come together and support one another, but rather they are
against each other. This means that they are divided, and so the authority can
conquer.
 Chapter 23: Persuasion with Brainwashing
Brainwashing tends to be a little more “personal” and subtle. Brainwashing
often requires the victim to be isolated, and more dependent on the individual
or group of individuals who are brainwashing them. This is a favorite tactic
of cults, religious groups, and yes, evens your favorite sports teams.
Let’s focus on national, televised sports, the most seemingly innocent form of
cult worship. Billions of people all over the world tune into to watch football,
baseball, swimming, car racing, cricket, volleyball; curling… the list goes on.
Those same billions spend even more billions of dollars on tickets and travel
to live games, merchandise, and the access to watch their favorite teams on
their favorite channel in the comfort of their own home. What would happen
if the Super Bowl didn’t air in February? An honest, logical guess might be:
“The world would end as we know it.” Championship games of all kinds
draw larger audiences than political rallies, religious observations and even
the release of the latest iPhone.
But let’s see what happens: Does it really affect a fan’s life if the Patriots win
or lose the Super Bowl again? Not really, yet millions of television screens
turn to the game every February regardless of their team affiliation. What
kind of power is this?
A dangerous one, that’s it. Just how the politician or businessman has a wide
reach in order to emotionally manipulate an audience, large groups of
brainwashers can wipe your conscious down to the bare essentials. Then it
replaces that person’s “personhood” with an identity, set of ideals, beliefs,
likes and dislikes that aren’t their own.
How is the NFL or NHL capable of Advertising and affiliations? The NFL is
one of the largest and most prominent sponsors and advertisers of the United
States military. Commercials for different branches play during breaks,
certain games or national anthems are dedicated to veterans, POWs, or
current individuals serving. Players even don camouflage, military-inspired
gear as part of this relationship.
Then there was the debate over the national anthem when Colin Kaepernick
knelt in solidarity for all of his fellow people of color brutalized by police
violence. The NFL immediately launched a vociferous media campaign that
was picked up by NFL fans everywhere. Soon, stickers, hats and t-shirts
could be found everywhere saying “I stand for the anthem.”
The NFL took this opportunity to use their fan base’s interests, as well as the
hold on they already had on loyal fans. As television ratings were dropping,
the NFL created a problem that didn’t exist, turned it into a media tornado,
and unleashed their rhetoric on millions of viewers nationwide. It had a
discernible effect by creating a reason for people to watch other than for the
game itself.

The Fundamentals of Brainwashing

Many people tend to get hypnosis, CEM, NLP and brainwashing confused.
But brainwashing isn’t just a dark psychological technique, but one identified
by psychologists all over the world as well. It’s not only a tool of sports
teams, in fact, but it’s also been the go-to method of acquiring members for
cults for decades, if not centuries.
Brainwashing from here on out means that the process of forcing an
individual into accepting belief systems completely and utterly different than
their own, often under duress.
The simplest example to illustrate brainwashing are cults, or small groups of
individuals who practice either a form of religion or other belief that from the
outside looks a bit sketchy, questionable, and perhaps even evil. Some
examples of famous cults and their leaders include:
Jim Jones, leader of the People’s Temple Cult. Jones was a zealous religious
leader who convinced hundreds of his followers to participate in a mass
murder/suicide by drinking poisoned Kool-Aid.
Children of God/Family International, founded by David “Moses” Berg -
Founded in California in 1968, members were encouraged to have sex with
children to achieve “divinity.” This cult still exists today on multiple
continents and over 70 countries. This cult, in particular, was perpetuated by
founder David Berg’s master of propaganda writing and publishing, which
drew new members to his group and kept older members close by.
Branch Davidians – This was a splintered extremist group of Seventh Day
Adventists that had been in existence since the 1950s. It wasn’t until leader
David Koresh took over as leader that he began to claim that he was the
Messiah and claimed all women and female children for his own. The group
did believe that the end of the world was nigh, but many never got to see it.
The cult was disbanded in1993 after a standoff with FBI agents that resulted
in more than 80 deaths.
In realism, followers of this cult, founded in 1974, believe that all life on
Earth is scientifically created, thus, not organic, and challenging all prevalent
scientific theories of evolution. The Raël creator is named “Elohim” and that
leaders within the movement are former aliens that will teach the earth how
to carry on Raël traditions, including peace and mindfulness
Now that we have a few examples of cults, let’s dissect what makes up a cult.
Usually, this small, strange group will have one or two leaders with strong
personalities that lead their followers and often make decisions on their
behalf.
Cults also usually seem very accepting at first, but that’s because they’re
looking to increase their numbers. Don’t mistake friendliness for desperation
on their part.
Cults also make followers feel safe. The boisterous and charming leader is
also a comforter – those who end up lost or confused by traditional religion
are comforted and brought into the fold. Existential questions like “Why am I
here?” and “What is my purpose in life?” are easily answered by the cult’s
lore (usually a cult will have a few strong oral storytellers, too).
Acceptance; Purpose; and Belonging - The things people crave most of all
are the things cults are most willing to dish out.

Cults and Brainwashing

Cults and brainwashing go together like peanut butter and jelly. The latter
enables the former. In this context, brainwashing is a type of total “reboot” of
thought and framing of the mind. Again, unless the victim is perceptive, this
technique will likely go unnoticed.
Before we return to cults, it’s important to establish that this is not the only
way brainwashing is used. For example, a dress code at your job could be
brainwashing if you work there long enough for the brainwashing to work its
way in. After working there long enough, you might believe that a certain
length of the skirt is more appropriate than another or a style of shoes more
“business casual” than just “casual.” This can be harmful in the long run
because the victim has internalized the self-reproach the dress-code
encourages.
 Chapter 24: How to Protect Yourself

Causes of Manipulation
Exercising undue influence on others using mental distortion or emotional
exploitation with the sole intention of gaining power and control over the
victim and at the victim's expense is known as psychological manipulation.
Before learning about becoming a master manipulator, you must learn to
differentiate between positive social influence and psychological
manipulation. Strong social forces are not only crucial for a good and
constructive relationship but are also based on the concept of 'give and take. '
On the other hand, a psychological manipulator exploits his victims to get
what he wants. There exist elements of power imbalances in a relationship
when it comes to psychological manipulation. There are four common traits
of manipulative individuals.
➢ They are good at detecting others' weaknesses.
➢ Once they identify such weaknesses, they will use them against the
person.
➢ Manipulative individuals are quite intelligent and will influence others
to do what they want to meet their self-oriented goals.
➢ Once a manipulator gets hold of his victim, the manipulation will go
on until the victim stops him or until the manipulator loses interest.
The root cause of constant manipulation is often deep-seated and complex. It
is not easy to deal with an individual who is psychologically manipulative
irrespective of the reasons why he is the way he is. Being on the receiving
end of manipulative aggression is never pleasant. Learning to deal with
psychological manipulation is the best way to protect yourself from
emotional abuse. In this section, you will learn about the simple ways in
which you can handle manipulative people.

Dealing with Manipulators

You can come across manipulators in all aspects of your life, both
professional and personal. Whether you want to believe it or not, even those
you love the most and hold dear can be manipulators. You might have to deal
with manipulative partners, manipulative parents, or even manipulative
coworkers. Regardless of the manipulator, you are dealing with; you can use
the tips given in this section to deal with manipulation and manipulative
people. It isn't always easy, but you must learn to do so. After all, you are the
only one who is responsible for your overall wellbeing.

Basic Fundamental Rights

A fundamental right is inalienable, and no one can take it away from you.
This is one thing you must keep in mind whenever you come across any
person who is a psychological manipulator. You must not only recognize
your rights but must also prevent the violation of these rights. As long as you
don't harm others, you must stand up for yourself and protect your rights at
all costs. If you knowingly harm someone, you may lose some of these
fundamental rights. Here are a couple of basic human rights you must be
aware of.
➢ You have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
➢ You are free to express your opinions, feelings, desires, and wants.
➢ You are free to set your priorities, and no one can force you to do
something.
➢ You don't have to feel guilty when you say "no."
➢ You have the right to set specific boundaries for yourself.
➢ You have the right to have different opinions, and you don't have to
agree with everyone.
➢ You not only have a right, but an obligation to safeguard yourself
mentally, emotionally, and physically.
All these fundamental rights define your boundaries. You must not only
enforce your limitations on others but must also respect them yourself. Of
course, you'll come across people who don't respect your rights. Especially
those who resort to psychological manipulation, strive to deprive others of
their rights so that they can exert control over you. However, keep in mind,
you have the power to decide what you want to do, and you are the only one
in charge of your life.

Maintain Some Distance

A manipulator often puts up a façade for the world to see and doesn't let his
true intentions rise to the surface. A simple way to detect or spot a
manipulator is to see the way he acts in front of different people and various
situations. Most of us tend to exhibit social differentiation to a certain degree;
emotional predators and psychological manipulators tend to dwell on the
extreme ends of the spectrum. An emotional manipulator can be extremely
polite one instant and unnervingly hostile the next. If you notice this kind of
behavior from anyone in your circle, maintain your distance. If you cannot
get away from such a person or avoid social interactions, then limit your
interactions. Spend as little time dealing with such a person as possible. Even
being around them will hurt you in ways you cannot begin to comprehend.
You don't have to worry about being responsible for their feelings. If the
manipulator tries to make you feel guilty for maintaining your distance, it is a
part of his manipulative nature, and you're not obligated to fix them. So, stay
away.

No Personalization
A manipulator is continuously going to look for your weaknesses, and once
he understands them, he will exploit them. Therefore, he might try to make
you feel inadequate, doubt your sanity, and question your judgment. If you
experience any of these feelings, then it means the manipulator has a
stronghold over you. Don't ever blame yourself in such situations because it
only increases the power the manipulator has. In such instances, remind
yourself, you are not the problem, and there is nothing wrong with you. Take
a moment to think about the relationship you share with the manipulator and
answer the following questions.
● Does this person seem to have unreasonable demands and expectations
from me?
● Does he treat me with the respect I deserve?
● Is this relationship well-balanced, or does it only favor him?
● Does this relationship make me feel good about myself?
If your answer is in the affirmative, then there is nothing wrong with the
relationship. However, if it isn't, then you are in a relationship with a
manipulator. Your answers to these questions will give insight into the kind
of person you're dealing with. So, stop blaming yourself, and instead look at
the other person.
 Chapter 25: Behavioral Traits of Favorite Victims
of Manipulators
There are certain characteristics and behavioral traits that make people more
vulnerable to manipulation and people with dark psychology traits know this
full well. They tend to seek out victims who have those specific behavioral
traits because they are essentially easy targets. Let’s discuss 6 of the traits of
the favorite victims of manipulators.

Emotional insecurity and fragility

Manipulators like to target victims who are emotionally insecure or
emotionally fragile. Unfortunately for these victims, such traits are very easy
to identify even in total strangers, so it’s easy for experienced manipulators to
find them.
People who are emotionally insecure tend to be very defensive when they are
attacked or when they are under pressure and that makes them easy to spot in
social situations. Even after just a few interactions, a manipulator can gauge
with a certain degree of accuracy, how insecure a person is. They’ll try to
provoke their potential targets in a subtle way, and then wait to see how the
targets react. If they are overly defensive, manipulators will take it as a sign
of insecurity, and they will intensify their manipulative attacks.
Manipulators can also tell if a target is emotionally insecure if he/she
redirects accusations or negative comments. They will find a way to put you
on the spot, and if you try to throw it back at them, or to make excuses
instead of confronting the situation head-on, the manipulator could conclude
that you are insecure and therefore an easy target.
People who have social anxiety also tend to have emotional insecurity, and
manipulators are aware of this fact. In social gatherings, they can easily spot
individuals who have social anxiety, then target them for manipulation.
"Pickup artists" are able to identify the girls who seem uneasy in social
situations by the way they conduct themselves. Social anxiety is difficult to
conceal, especially to manipulators who are experienced at preying on
emotional vulnerability.
Emotional fragility is different from emotional insecurity. Emotionally
insecure people tend to show it all the time, while emotionally fragile people
appear to be normal, but they break down emotionally at the slightest
provocation. Manipulators like targeting emotionally fragile people because
it’s very easy to elicit a reaction from them. Once a manipulator finds out that
you are emotionally fragile, he is going to jump at the change to manipulate
you because he knows it would be fairly easy.
Emotional fragility can be temporary, so people with these traits are often
targeted by opportunistic manipulators. A person may be emotionally stable
most of the time, but he/she may experience emotional fragility when they
are going through a breakup, when they are grieving, or when they are
dealing with a situation that is emotionally draining. The more diabolical
manipulators can earn your trust, bid their time, and wait for you to be
emotionally fragile. Alternatively, they can use underhanded methods to
induce emotional fragility in a person they are targeting.

Sensitive people
Highly sensitive people are those individuals who process information at a
deeper level and are more aware of the subtleties in social dynamics. They
have lots of positive attributes because they tend to be very considerate of
others, and they watch their step to avoid causing people any harm, whether
directly or indirectly. Such people tend to dislike any form of violence or
cruelty, and they are easily upset by news reports about disastrous
occurrences, or even depictions of gory scenes in movies.
Sensitive people also tend to get emotionally exhausted from taking in other
people’s feelings. When they walk into a room, they have the immediate
ability to detect other people’s moods, because they are naturally skilled at
identifying and interpreting other people’s body language cues, facial
expressions, and tonal variations.
Manipulators like to target sensitive people because they are easy to
manipulate. If you are sensitive to certain things, manipulators can use them
against you. They will feign certain emotions to draw sensitive people in so
that they can exploit them.
Sensitive people also tend to scare easily. They have a heightened "startle
reflex," which means that they are more likely to show clear signs of fear or
nervousness in potentially threatening situations. For example, sensitive
people are more likely to jump up when someone sneaks up on them, even
before they determine whether they are in any real danger. If you are a
sensitive person, this trait can be very difficult to hide, and malicious people
will be able to see it from a mile away.
Sensitive people also tend to be withdrawn. They are mostly introverts, and
they like to keep to themselves because social stimulation can be emotionally
draining for them. Manipulators who are looking to control others are more
likely to target people who are introverted because that trait makes it easy to
isolate potential victims.
Manipulators can also identify sensitive people by listening to how they talk.
Sensitive people tend to be very proper; they never use vulgar language, and
they tend to be very politically correct because they are trying to avoid
offending anyone. They also tend to be polite, and they say please and thank
you more often than others. Manipulators go after such people because they
know that they are too polite to dismiss them right away; sensitive people
will indulge anyone because they don't want to be rude, and that gives
maliciously people a way in.

Emphatic people
Emphatic people are generally similar to highly sensitive people, except that
they are more attuned to the feelings of others and the energy of the world
around them. They tend to internalize other people's suffering to the point
that it becomes their own. In fact, for some of them, it can be difficult to
distinguish someone's discomfort from their own. Emphatic people make the
best partners because they feel everything you feel. However, this makes
them particularly easy to manipulate, which is why malicious people like to
target them.
Malicious people can feign certain emotions, and convey those emotions to
emphatic people, who will feel them as though they were real. That opens
them up for exploitation. Emphatic people are the favorite targets of
psychopathic conmen because they feel so deeply for others. A conman can
make up stories about financial difficulties and swindle lots of money from
emphatic people.
The problem with being emphatic is that because you have such strong
emotions, you easily dismiss your own doubts about people because you
would much rather offer help to a person who turns out to be a lair than deny
help to a person who turns out to be telling the truth.
Emphatic people have a big-hearts, and they tend to be extremely generous,
often to their own detriment. They are highly charitable, and they feel guilty
when others around them suffer, even if it’s not their fault and they can’t do
anything about it. Malicious people have a very easy time taking such people
on guilt trips. They are the kind of people who would willingly fork over
their life savings to help their friends get out of debt, even if it means they
would be ruined financially.
Malicious people like to get into relationships with emphatic people because
they are easy to take advantage of. Emphatic people try to avoid getting into
intimate relationships in the first place because they know that it’s easy for
them to get engulfed in such relationships and to lose their identities in the
process. However, manipulators will doggedly pursue them because they
know that once they get it, they can guilt the emphatic person into doing
anything they want.

Fear of loneliness
Many people are afraid of being alone, but this fear is more heightened in a
small percentage of the population. This kind of fear can be truly paralyzing
for those who experience it, and it can open them up to exploitation by
malicious people. For example, there are many people who stay in
dysfunctional relationships because they are afraid, they will never finds
someone else to love them if they break up with an abusive partner.
Manipulators can identify this fear in a victim, and they'll often do everything
they can to fuel it further to make sure that the person is crippled by it. People
who are afraid of being alone can tolerate or even rationalize any kind of
abuse.
The fear of being alone can be easy to spot in a potential victim. People with
this kind of fear tend to exude some level of desperation at the beginning of
relationships, and they can sometimes come across as clingy. While ordinary
people may think of being clingy as a red flag, manipulative people will see it
as an opportunity to exploit somebody. If you are attached to them, they’ll
use manipulative techniques to make you even more dependent on them.
They can withhold love and affection (e.g., by using the silent treatment) to
make the victim fear that he/she is about to get dumped so that they act out of
desperation and cede more control to the manipulator.
The fear of being alone is, for the most part, a social construct, and it
disproportionately affects women more than men. For generations, our
society has taught women that their goal in life is to get married and have
children, so, even the more progressive women who reject this social
construct are still plagued by social pressures to adhere to those old
standards. That being said, the fact is that men also tend to be afraid of being
alone.
People with abandonment issues stemming from childhood tend to
experience the fear of loneliness to a higher degree. There are also those
people who may not necessarily fear loneliness in general, but they are afraid
of being separated from the important people in their lives. For example, lots
of people end up staying in abusive or dysfunctional relationships because
they are afraid of being separated from their children.

Fear of disappointing others

We all feel a certain sense of obligation towards the people in our lives, but
there are some people who are extremely afraid of disappointing others. This
kind of fear is similar to the fear of embarrassment and the fear of rejection
because it means that the person puts a lot of stock into how others perceive
him or her. The fear of disappointing others can occur naturally, and it can
actually be useful in some situations; parents who are afraid of disappointing
their families will work harder to provide for them, and children who are
afraid of disappointing their parents will study harder at school. In this case,
the fear is actually constructive. However, it becomes unhealthy when it’s
directed at the wrong people, or when it forces you to compromise your own
comfort and happiness.
When manipulators find out that you have a fear of disappointing others,
they'll try to put you in a position where you feel like you owe them
something. They’ll do certain favors for you, and then they’ll manipulate you
into believing that you have a sense of obligation towards them. They will
then guilt you into complying with any request whenever they want
something from you.
 Conclusion
The field of dark psychology is vast, and the number of techniques of
strategies that exist innumerable. However, the reader of this book is more
aware of dark psychology than the vast majority of people out there. In a
way, this makes the reader have an advantage over them.
But this is also just the first step towards mastery. True dark psychology
mastery comes from experimentation, research, and application. A book like
this is a useful introduction to the field, but it takes the real-world experience
to apply these concepts. One doesn’t even have to take the role of an attacker
to use the knowledge learned here. Dark psychology is so prevalent in our
society that once you actively look for it, you will be able to recognize it
quickly.
There is still much to learn. Those interested in the effectiveness of
psychopathy may consider looking into the study of body language. The
amount of things that people express through their posture and gestures is a
treasure trove of information just waiting to be exploited. This information is
out in the open for those who know how to decipher it.
Body language directly lends itself to the perfection of superficial charm, as a
skilled practitioner can use it to convey feelings of friendliness and warmth.
Getting a good read on a person to judge their self-esteem is also a pivotal
goal in target selection. Learning how to read someone’s facial expression
and their posture increases the ability to select the right targets.
Discerning a compatible target involves getting a feel for their psychology.
Are they someone who has a cheerful demeanor, and if so, is it genuine, or is
it superficial? Are they willing to follow orders or perform favors for other
people? Do they like to give rather than deceive?
These questions can only be answered by getting to know them. People may
have certain tells about themselves that they can’t prevent from happening. It
is the job of the dark psychology practitioner to pick up on these tells and
relate them to that person’s personality.
There is also no shortage of additional techniques out there that aid in
manipulation. A worthy practitioner ought to seek them out at every
opportunity. Of course, a more formal understanding of psychology allows a
manipulator to think of better ways to entice their targets. Psychology is a
large field with many sub-fields but is very accessible. Hundreds of books
have been written for a general audience to enjoy.
When you learn how a spider operates, then, you can easily learn how a Dark
psychology predator works.
A spider weaves a trap in the form of a web. It weaves this web in such a way
that it not only traps its preys but also alerts it once they are trapped. The web
is also crafted in such a fashion that there is always a quick path on the web
to arrive at the trapped prey.
Once the prey is trapped and the spider is alerted, it rushes to inject the prey
with venom. Once injected, the spider goes back to rest as the venom subdues
and eventually kills the prey.
Dark psychology predators work in a similar fashion.
Knowing the nature of their web, and more importantly, the content of their
venom, you can be able to detox yourself from the effects of the venom.
Knowing that the spider cannot eat its prey while still alive, then, the best it
can do is to continue injecting more venom. If the venom can’t work, the
predator will eventually let you go... that is, if you have gathered enough
stamina to get off the trapping web.
Unlike houseflies and such other flying insects, humans have very
overwhelming brainpower... if properly deployed. Thus, the grandest secret is
how you deploy your brainpower against potential preys.
Like any other detox agent, you must first know what the venom is. By
knowing the critical ingredient of the venom, you can be able to formulate
your detox agent.
We have already considered some of the venoms (or toxins). These are;
• Dark persuasion
• Deception
• Dupery
• Indoctrination
• Brainwashing
• Dark seduction
• Hypnotization
• Psychological manipulation
Yet, when it comes to confronting venoms, the best example of how to do
this is how to detox snake venoms as they are medically much more elaborate
as the incidences of fatal and near-fatal snake poisoning are more prevalent
than those of spiders. There are very few spiders whose venom can kill
humans.
We have also seen the types of creatures (aka snakes) that possess these
venoms:
• Narcissists
• Machiavellians
• Psychopaths
There are many other sub-species of each.
Being able to positively identify a snake species make it easy to identify its
type of venom in case of a bite and emergency response. Similarly, being
able to identify the type of Dark psychology predator can help you tell which
kind of detox to rush for in case of attack.
However, generally, you must equip yourself with all potential detox agents
for you may not tell which of them will come attacking.
How to Analyze People
By David Soul
 Introduction
When we think about human behavior and some of the things that you need
to do to read these behaviors, it is vital to take a look at the animal element
that is found inside.
While this is something that a lot of people are going to forget about, humans
are from the same materials as trees, animals, fish, and everything else in the
world. We all came from the same source at the same time. Much of our
behavior is going to be attributed back to our evolution. As we changed over
the years, we started to develop what is known as cultural norms for the
behavior that we are going to show to others.
Over time, we had to develop systems of behavior and specific patterns to
help us survive. This means that in the beginning, we had to be able to hunt
and gather. And then, we had to form systems for farming, along with other
food systems. This continued to grow into the system that we have today. Just
like with any other animal, we are going to have different behaviors, ones
that are used to protect us, to eat, to sleep, to interact with others, and so
much more.
This is something that we need to keep in mind when we are learning more
about the behavior of humans. It isn’t enough to consider the conscious state
of the person when you want to understand the reasons they do things. We
also have to remember that animal sense, the part that helps us survive, as
well. We have to remember that this animal part is going to drive us towards
specific actions, especially when things like self-protection, pleasure, food,
shelter, and even sex drive the actions. This is where all of our basic drives
come from, even if they happen subconsciously.
The first area, the one that is the most accessible, is the conscious. This part
is going to be the most accessible and the things we know about and our
current thoughts, but it is also going to be known as the smallest of the three
parts of our psyche.
Then, we move on to the second part of our psyche, and this is going to be
the subconscious. This is going to be an area that is more repressed when
compared to the first part, but we can still access it, especially when it is the
most needed.
Then, we have the third part. This part can be called the id or the
unconscious. This is where all of those animal-like impulses are going to
come in. These help us to survive and get our most basic needs met regularly.
The id is not going to be something that we are in control of, or that we have
to focus on that much. But, it can still drive a lot of our regular actions.
This will tell us a lot about the behavior that we can observe in those around
us. There are going to be a lot of deep underlying factors that come with our
behaviors, and it can be challenging to determine the cause of those actions.
You can also guess what is causing the actions, and there are even some
experiments that you can use to pinpoint what is causing these actions.
One of the proponents who wanted to use science to help us understand the
human behavior that seemed hard to follow in the past is B.F. Skinner.
Skinner was one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century. He
was the one who developed the ideas of behaviorism along with the school of
psychology that is going to focus the most on measurable and observable
behavior.
Firstly, behaviorism is going to be one of the schools of psychology, one that
is going to be focused on science and will emphasize just looking at the
measurable data that we can explore about the behavior. When you use this
school of thought, you need to try to focus on not letting qualitative
judgments get in the way of the science that comes in here. Over the years, it
has proven to be one of the most influential schools of thought in all of
science history.
What these schools of thought are going to do is try to make some sense out
of our evolutionary history as a species. This means we are going to take a
look at why we are the way that we are. Going by an evolutionary approach
is going to be vital because it allows us to look at some of the best mysteries
of how the human mind works. In an evolutionary sense, we are going to be
driven to self-protection, a need for food and shelter, and so on. These are
often going to be an unconscious part of our lives now, but it is still a good
idea to explore this a bit and understand how some of these basic instincts are
going to come into play.
 Chapter 26: Understanding Human Behavior

Human beings are regarded to be among the most complex creatures on

earth.
The complexity of human beings extends to the nature of their behavior.
This implies that it is quite difficult to fully understand and analyze such
behavior, especially from a layman’s perspective.
Psychiatrists have the upper hand when it comes to their capacity to
understand and analyze human behavior.
Human behavior is complex

This is due to the fact that they have the pre-requisite training that equips
them with the capacity to analyze such behavior in a much more professional
manner.
However, you do not really have to be a psychiatrist in order to understand
human behavior.
Anyone with adequate information on some of the fundamental issues that
underlie human behavior can effectively and accurately analyze such
behavior.
Enhanced capacity to analyze human behavior will enable you to have a
greater understanding of the people around you.
Sometimes, people might not be willing to go out and actually say what is
on their minds.
However, when you know what to look for with respect both verbal and
non-verbal cues, you will be able to decipher the message that they are
trying to put across thus eliminating potential conflicts that can arise due to
miscommunication.
It is also equally important to maintain an open mind and avoid any pre-
established biases that can undermine your capacity to fully grasp and
analyze what the other
person is trying to put across.
This chapter will focus on the art of analyzing human behavior with a view
of making you a better person in terms of your capacity to interpret and
analyze the behavior of others.
Use of Language
One of the most distinguishing aspects when it comes to the manner in which
people behave is their preferred use of language.
Language is considered the most reliable universal tool for communication.
The language also plays a key role in fostering relations among people since
it enables them to communicate freely, exchange ideas, and express their
perspectives on different issues.
However, the manner in which different people use language is different, and
these differences usually reflect their behavior and attitudes towards various
things.
The preference for polite language is one thing that can enable you to analyze
the behavior of the person you are communicating with.
Heavy use of polite words and expressions such as please, may I, kindly and
other such words that are meant to convey a message of politeness can go a
long way in helping one analyze human behavior.
People who prefer to use such words and expressions tend to put a lot of
value and emphasis on positive human relations and would be more than
willing to take into account the perspectives of others.
Such individuals are usually polite and considerate towards others and are
more likely to make a compromise in order to accommodate the needs of the
other person.
On the other hand, the absence of polite words and expressions could be an
indicator that the person is likely to exhibit dictatorial tendencies towards
others.
This implies that such an individual is more likely to insist on having their
way at any cost and not consider the option of making any compromises.
When it comes to using language, another aspect that comes out strongly is
also the preference for unconventional, harsh or abusive language.
For instance, curse words are mainly considered to be an unconventional
language and are not used in mainstream communication.
However, there are people whose usage of such words is much more common
as compared to others.
Preference for curse words, abusive language, and harsh words can be helpful
in the analysis of human behavior since people who prefer such language are
usually more prone to violent behavior towards others.
Similarly, the preference for such words can also indicate that someone is
likely to pay little attention to the consequences of their actions.
A good example would be an employee who uses such words against the
employer.
In such a scenario, such an employee might end up adopting an overall
lackluster attitude towards their roles and responsibilities because they do
not care whether or not they will get fired.
Finally, such people can also adopt an overall resigned attitude towards
life, and this can undermine the relationships that they have with their
family members, friends, and other people who are significant in their
lives.

Interpretation of Non-Verbal Cues

People might not often say what is really on their minds.
In some cases, someone might say one thing while in essence, they mean the
opposite.
For instance, one might say that they are satisfied with a reward that they
have been offered, but in reality, they are highly unsatisfied with the same.
In such a situation, your capacity to identify non-verbal cues can go a long
way in facilitating accurate analysis of the behavior of the person that you are
communicating with.
This is due to the fact that such non-verbal cues offer a window into the exact
position and opinion that a person has towards something.
Facial Expression
There are several non-verbal cues that you can use in order to analyze human
behavior with one of them being reading of another person’s facial
expression.
It is very easy for someone to lie with their mouths, but quite difficult to do
the same with their face.
Facial expression can depict the actual feeling that has on a certain issue.
Facial expression can depict happiness, sadness, anger, disgust, and even
resentment.
When you know exactly what to look for in terms of facial expressions, you
will be in a better position to know what a person feels and how they will
behave when they are subjected to a certain situation.
For instance, a spouse might indicate that they are happy with you going
away on your own holiday for a while, however, their facial expression might
indicate that they are unhappy with your decision; your capacity to decipher
such an expression will enable you to know how they are likely to behave
while you are away, such as engaging in an activity that you might not
approve of.
Raised Eyebrows
Some of the most notable facial expressions that most people overlook
include rising of the eyebrows, which mainly shows that someone is
surprised by a suggestion or an opinion.
At times, a raised eyebrow might indicate that someone is in doubt regarding
the viability of the suggestion.
For instance, you might put forward a suggestion for a weekend activity, and
they accept but a raised eyebrow.
This implies that they are in doubt and are therefore not likely to embrace the
suggestion despite the fact that they have indicated their approval.
Such a friend will, therefore, exhibit behavior that contradicts their earlier
position, such as failing to pick up your calls even after repeated attempts.

Frown Lines
In addition to raised eyebrows, another facial expression that you can look
out for is the presence and nature of frown lines.
A high concentration of frown lines might be an indicator that the person is
deeply concerned about something.
Such an individual might not be willing to share their concerns with you, but
in case you notice such frown lines then you will be in a position to know
that they might be faced with some serious issue in their lives.

Clenched Teeth
Clinched teeth also fall within the category of facial expression that can be
used as a non-verbal cue.
Many people will clench their teeth if they are uneasy with a situation that
they are in.
Whenever you are interacting with someone with clenched teeth, then you
can look for ways of making them feel at ease, thus making the interaction
more productive.
Body language
Body Posture
In addition to facial expression, another non-verbal cue that can be quite
helpful in analyzing the behavior of others is body language.
Your body language says a lot about what you are thinking and how you are
likely to behave.
The body language refers to several things such as your posture, the use of
gestures, and even your proximity to the person you are communicating
with.
A posture can tell a lot about the character of a person and consequently, their
general behavior.
For instance, people who prefer to communicate while putting their arms
across their chest are more likely to keep things close to themselves.
Such people are least likely to lie about issues that affect them in their
personal lives or even volunteer information that might have a significant
impact on the people that they are communicating with.
On the contrary, people who are more open-minded will prefer more informal
postures such as putting their hands behind their heads in a relaxed fashion
while
communicating others.
Such individuals are more likely to embrace new ideas, focus on the issues
that the other person is highlighting, and even offer alternative perspectives
in order to encourage a more productive discussion.
Body language can, therefore, be used in analyzing the manner in which
someone else is likely to respond to other people and their ideas.
Proximity
Proximity is also another aspect of body language that is very important
when it comes to body language.
Proximity in this context refers to how close two people are when they are
physically interacting with one another.
People who are not willing to fully engage with the other person would prefer
to lean away while talking to them.
A good example would be a colleague leaning away from you when you are
discussing a business proposal with them.
In this scenario, the colleague might show approval of your proposal, but the
fact they were leaning away from you might result in contradictory behavior
on their part.
They are thus more likely to end rejecting the idea after all.
On the other hand, someone who is really interested in the idea is likely to
lean forward during your conversation, ask to follow up questions and nod
their heads in approval.
Such body language indicates genuine acceptance, and thus, the individual
will go out of their way and work for hand in hand with you in ensuring that
the proposal is indeed a success.
Image Source: Vixen Daily
 Chapter 27: The Dark Side

People usually do not know how to react when they hear about dark
psychology. It is fascinating to some people and scary to others. Dark
Psychology is just the study of manipulation and mind control. It is quite
different from psychology because the latter is concerned with studying
human behavior. Dark psychology deals with how people use a lot of tactics
to either motivate, persuade manipulate and force people into doing what
they want them to do.
The dark side of human behavior is sometimes referred to as the dark triad.
This is because it is basically comprised of three personality types that are all
different but still share a connection. They are Machiavellianism, narcissism,
and psychopathy.
You may wonder why these three traits are referred to as the Dark Triad.
These three terms define dark psychology. We have already stated that dark
psychology is concerned with the tactics of persuasion, manipulation, and
coercion that people use whenever they want something and wish to get it by
all means.
Usually, these three personalities, serve as the underlying cause of criminal
acts by people. We would observe these dark personality traits and throw
more light.

1. Machiavellianism
This term was coined after a 16th-century Italian famous diplomat and
politician, Machiavelli. He became well known after he published his book,
The Prince in 1513.
People said he was trying to use his book to support the deceptions and
cunning that occurs in diplomacy.
People are referred to as Machiavellians when they have the tendency to
occupy themselves with only things that benefit them. They are often
fraudulent and manipulative. Machiavellians do not have any morals and they
lack any form of emotion. If something is not for their own self-interest,
count them out because they will not be interested.
2. Narcissism
Narcissism was coined from the Greek mythology that tells about Narcissus.
He was a hunter who became smitten by the sight of his own reflection in a
pool that fell into the pool and drowned. He was so consumed by himself that
he had no interest in any other thing.
Narcissistic people are like that because they often show signs of selfishness,
arrogance, being boastful and have thoughts only of themselves.
People with a narcissistic personality are not empathetic and they are overly
sensitive and cannot handle criticism. Their hypersensitivity stems from the
fact that they cannot imagine themselves as being flawed or imperfect.

3. Psychopathy
The psychopathic personality is characterized by several traits including
antisocial behavior, hostility, lack of empathy or remorse, volatility, and
manipulation. There is a big difference between being a psychopath and
psychopathic. For you to be a psychopath, then you have been associated
with or connected directly to criminal violence.
Despite how awful the dark triad personalities sound, like something that
could only come out of psychology textbooks, the traits are very much
common.
There are covert manipulative tactics almost everywhere we go. We see it on
social media, on TV commercials and it is still part of the sales tactics that are
being thrown at our faces when we go to buy things in person.
Those who love us are not even left out even children use manipulative
tactics a lot of times while they are looking for ways to get more freedom.
Most of the manipulative tactics are used by those around us and those who
are close to us. Many of them study us to know which tactics would work on
us. Frightening right? Well, there are people who ordinarily use dark
psychology every day more than other people:

1. True Sociopaths
People who have been diagnosed clinically as sociopaths may have the looks
of angels because of their charming and intelligent nature but they have a
problem with their impulsiveness. Sociopaths are already known because
they do not feel remorse for anything. So they take up the dark personality
tactics and use it to form fake friendships that only exist on the surface. They
only enter relationships for their own benefit.

2. True Narcissists
People who have been clinically diagnosed with narcissism most often move
about having an inflated view of their self-worth. Because of this, they try to
validate what they feel by doing things that show that they are superior to
every other person around them. The dream of every narcissist is to be seen,
worshipped and revered by other people and when this reverence is not
coming easily, they can resort to every kind of manipulation and unethical
behavior just so they can get the worship that they crave.

3. Selfish People
Whenever someone has a sinister plan that works to benefit only them before
other people, they can use any means available to them including dark
manipulative tactics to get it as long as the outcome will be their gain.

4. Politicians
When a politician is campaigning for an election, they often use dark tactics
of persuasion to get the votes that will make them win and to get the populace
to vote the way they want.

5. Lawyers
A lot of attorneys go to great lengths just to win their case. Sometimes they
end up having to rely on dark tactics to win.

6. Salespeople
Salespeople behave similarly to politicians and lawyers. Many salespeople
can be so bent on making sales that they will see nothing wrong in using
manipulative tactics to make a buyer purchase their goods.

7. Leaders
Despite what they say about being there to motivate and inspire the people,
some leaders use manipulation tactics to make people do what they want.
8. Public Speakers
Public speakers are meant to have charisma. But then you cannot trust all of
them. Many public speakers can go the extra mile and use manipulation
tactics if that is what it will take to engage their audience.
How to Master the Basics of Psychology?
If everyone around you is using tactics to get what they want, you may be
tempted to want to do it at least once. But then, do you know how? Some of
the tactics are things we may do occasionally but doing it deliberately and
calculatedly can help us gain some amount of control over other people. Let
us look at some of the ways that manipulators can apply dark tactics:

1. Hiding intentions
One form of manipulation that has been around since the beginning of time is
lying. Manipulators usually use this tactic when they are faced with a
responsibility that they want to flee from or when they feel that saying the
truth will not benefit them. Many of them even go ahead to lie when they
have no reason at all to do so and it makes them feel good to know that they
are causing trouble and playing with others' feelings. When you come in
contact with a skilled manipulator, they could make you believe in a lie until
your neck-deep in it. They may do this because they want to take advantage
of someone else or they might just be using the lie as a smokescreen to cover
their true intentions. Or they may be using it to prevent you from seeing that
they want to keep being steps ahead of you.
For example, a friend who is looking for the same thing as you will hide any
information that will make you get it before them.

2. Attention Seeking
Drama queen. Drama King. We have probably had to use these words on
people who are always being dramatic. It is not bad for one to have drama
once in a while because life does not have to be too serious, but manipulators
thrive on frequent drama. They normally create it intentionally because they
want to be the center of attention and massage their ego.
For instance, in a group of three friends, one of them may try to cause
conflict between friends A and B by peddling stories of each of them to the
other party. This will make friends A and B to have misunderstandings and
normally they will turn to the manipulator to lay their grievances and seek
comfort. Because of this, the manipulator feels needed and important. One
partner in a relationship can keep bringing up fights so that their partner will
keep their attention on them.

3. Giving Off Unnecessary Emotions

Manipulators could be people who show emotions a lot, do dramatic stuff and
have loud outbursts when they want to get their way. They are often loud,
melodramatic and will go all emotional even at the slightest incitement and
usually, they display their attitude in appropriate environments.
For instance, one partner may resort to raising their voice and arguing loudly
in a restaurant because their partner is not giving in to their demands because
they feel that their partner will be embarrassed by the scene and give in to
what they want. This is a subtle and very effective manipulation tactic.

4. Crying Foul and Playing the Victim

There are people who love it when people feel sorry for them always. They
are always making people feel that they have the worst of luck. They are the
ones who will even make you feel guilty for complaining about your
problems because they always have worse problems than yours. Of course,
we all have bad moments, but a manipulator knows how to make themselves
look like the victim of all victims and draw lots of attention to themselves.
Tell them you have a fever and they will narrate to you how they have had to
deal with migraines every day for the past month. Say you forgot your coffee
cup and they will tell you how their expensive coffee maker got destroyed.
They just look for ways to solicit pity from people just so they can get
attention and people's concentration.

5. Claiming Undue Credit

Manipulators do not see anything wrong in getting someone else to make the
effort involved in something and then coming in, later on, to take credit for
the work as if they have done a major part of the job. This kind of
manipulation can be seen in a professional setting where people will be
delegated to do jobs as a group but end up prancing around, being busy
without actually doing anything and when the job is done, they come in to
take credit for it.
 Chapter 28: Why Analyze People

There is no formula to analyze people around or with you. Some people

understand on the basis of their gestures, body language, verbal
communication, nonverbal communication or the way he walks and dresses
up.

Studying yourself
- Understanding the nature of the person you are trying to analyze
- Scrutinizing his behavior
- Focusing on the words of another person
- Knowing body language
- Getting acquainted with cultural difference
- Concentrating on social skills
- Forming a general assumption on the nature of a person
- Interpretation of verbal communication and pattern
- Knowing the reason behind his type of personality
- Having an elementary overview of the personality of an individual

Importance of Understanding People

Why is it important to understand a personality? If you are ambitious, then
yes it is important to read the other person but if you do not want any
growth professionally and happy with 9 am to 5 pm job then it is not your
cup of tea. Likewise, if you value your relationships, analyzing folks is
important. Analyzing people is of immense importance from the perspective
of life more than any other realm like professionally.
More finely you understand yourself and other folks around, the more
booming you will be in dealing with the circumstances and people and
getting things on the right track. Understanding personalities is an
unexpectedly comprehensive and practical subject than psychology. It is an
extensive word comprising of psychology and implementing the analysis to
day to day advantage in everyday circumstances. It is vital to stay with family
and amongst friends as well as colleagues. Learn it, to be the best and
different of all members of a group. Get it to attract people, to help, to
support, to influence, to raise your voice and to express your point of view, to
understand better, to make right and fast decision, to encourage people, to
manage people, to direct folks, to solve the conflicts and most importantly to
portray the right personality of ourselves.

Advantages of Analyzing People

People are an open book needing little attention to understand their traits. On
closely observing what they do, what they say and how they listen to others
saying reveals a pretty good picture of their attitude and personality. It has
proven to be effective and true in most of the cases. It is best that you can do
as a friend, family member, colleague or a boss in the office. Analysis of
people, their behavior, body language, and gesture are a fascinating
phenomenon because of diverse learning experience based on traits or
behavior adopted by a person. It is therefore significant and essential to be
successful in distinct walks of life like a business arena, day to day life,
companionships, relationships, etc.
Let us have a quick look at the advantage that results due to the analysis of
people:
Analysis of people offers an individual the knowledge of skills required to
deal with people. It mostly throws light on tips to conduct with positivity.
It assists to recognize, realize and uphold human life and its standpoint,
thereby shun conflicts.
It helps an individual develop understanding and sympathy towards others
and results in a reduction of people from getting judgmental and restricts the
person from pointing the finger at others.
It fabricates a healthy society enabling people to evaluate themselves before
judging others.
Every individual to succeed in life requires important interpersonal and
communication skills to be able to stand at a pioneering position in the
corporate sector as well as in society which is always changing. In today’s
time when students and people are migrating out for jobs and studies, the
study of the analysis of people is quite handy to understand people abroad
and to minimize the possibility of deception.
Study of people is a type of preparation tool to cope up with the colleagues at
the office and work efficiently at work front as well as social life.
It aids in comprehending the presence of imperfection in their life which can
be improved by understanding the behavior of the other person and following
his good features.
We live in a society where people of different personalities, beliefs, attitudes,
perceptions, and behaviors are found. Their analysis helps to get aware of the
techniques to deal with them.
It can be immensely helpful for people at management level in picking up
the right employees by understanding the behavior of their employees.
Through analysis, you can project, direct, alter and control the distinct
behavior of an individual
Through analysis of people, you can get an idea of his reaction in a particular
situation in advance and get prepared for the situation.
Analysis of people is helpful for the successful conduct of society and
accomplishment of goals.
It is conceivable they have a legitimate concern, yet you will possibly
observe that when you can be quiet and target. So don't discard the good
along with the bad. In any case, ensure you ARE quiet and objective and
ARE taking a gander at all the conceivable outcomes you think about before
making any move.
You may jump at the chance to get a subsequent sentiment or do some
examination yourself. You might originate from a totally extraordinary
attitude. Maybe a more beneficial one.
One thing is sure; however, when you are made to feel remorseful or stressed
on account of your activities, you are not being treated with deference.
Perhaps it's an ideal opportunity to discover somebody who will.
 Chapter 29: Becoming an Analyst

Free Your Judgment

There are many things that can cloud your judgment when reading people.
Biases, intimidation, and sexual attraction are just some of the things that can
make you choose to ignore your gut and misread someone. You may think
that someone’s harsh actions are admirable if you admire the person, while
their actions would appear despicable if you did not admire them. Do not let
anything cloud your judgment.
Men are more likely to judge pretty young women less harshly. They let
pretty young women get away with disrespectful behavior in hopes of
winning their favor. If you are attracted to someone, you are more likely to
ignore red flags about the person. Try to look past sexual attraction.
Understand that there are plenty of attractive people in the world, so fixating
on one person’s attractiveness are not necessary. You just need to view an
attractive person more objectively. Try to focus on his or her character as a
separate thing from his or her looks.
Status or certain jobs can also make you admire someone. But understand
that someone is not perfect just because of his or her status. Do not let
someone’s status intimidate you or bamboozle you. In fact, they probably got
to where they are today by being cruel to others. Read their character
separately from their status or work.
Being in your own emotional funk can really distort your judgment, too.
When you are emotionally down, you may be harsher to judge others in your
state of bitterness. You may also be more vulnerable to kind actions from
others. Unfortunately, manipulators are great at spotting when you are upset
and offering a kind action in order to gain favor with you. Do not let your
emotional state make you vulnerable in judgment.
Emotional wounds can make it hard for you to trust people. This is especially
true after you been through a divorce or bad break-up. As a result, you might
judge the gender that you are attracted to unfairly. You may instantly dislike
all people of that gender. Do not be so quick to write off people that you do
not know. Use your scars as lessons to read people who remind you of those
that have hurt you in the past, but do not make the mistake of thinking that
the entire gender is bad. Give individuals a chance. Try to read them, for who
they are, not who your ex was.

Don’t Just Base it Off of Behavior

Sometimes behavior is inaccurate because it is fake. Many people are great at
creating a façade. They appear totally normal and upstanding, while hiding
their horrendous internal flaws. Think of most serial killers. Often they go to
work, keep nice houses, and look like totally normal people. The world is
shocked when they are finally caught with a basement full of hacked up
bodies and torture devices. Sexual deviants who get caught watching child
porn are often politicians and businessmen with great jobs and totally normal
outside appearances. While these examples are extreme, many people are
adept at hiding their bad personalities under totally normal behavior.
Therefore, you cannot base judgments off of the outward behavior of others,
as this behavior can be faked and misleading.

Create a Baseline
Try to gauge a baseline of someone’s normal behavior. Watch for unusual
mannerisms that a person often displays. Quirks and habits that you
frequently observe in someone over time form the person’s baseline. A
baseline does not take long to form once you become more adept at reading
people with practice. FBI profilers will usually gather this information within
the first fifteen seconds of meeting a person.
From this baseline, you are able to tell when someone is behaving
abnormally. When someone is behaving abnormally, you can determine that
something is going on.
Perhaps the person is lying or is upset about something.
It is difficult to start a baseline on someone if you do not have a chance to
observe him over a period of time and you are not yet adept at reading people
in just a few seconds. Therefore, it is a good idea to watch for really odd
behavior. Behavior that stands out as unusual may be a quirk or it may be a
sign of something more ominous, such as deception. You may want to ask
other people who know the person well if this behavior is normal for him. If
you can’t do that, then you simply must rely on your gut. But do not rely too
much on behavior to form judgments about people.
You can start a baseline just by asking someone how they are doing today.
Watch how the person reacts. From there, you can determine what his or her
normal mannerisms are. The more you talk, the more you can gather about
the person’s baseline. Does his eye tic often? Does he often gesticulate with
his hands? Does he stutter normally, or is he normally articulate? Also gauge
the speed with which he speaks in normal conversation and the tone and pitch
of his voice.
You must establish a baseline in order to tell when someone is behaving
inconsistently. In addition, a baseline lets you know how a person is in
normal settings. If a person is typically nervous, you can decide if you want
to be around someone who is frequently nervous and therefore probably
insecure with social anxiety. If a person is typically rude and blunt, you can
determine if you want to deal with that kind of behavior in the future.

Infer Things from the Initial Reaction

Of course, strangers tend to be tense in their initial behavior toward you
because they do not know you well. But a person’s initial reaction to you
indicates a lot of information about how he feels about himself and how he
feels about other people. This initial reaction shows the hang-ups he may
have and the guard that he puts up to protect himself or the façade that he
erects to charm people that he meets for the first time. As a result, this
reaction says a lot about who he is as a person and the things that you may
expect from him as you get to know him better.
If he is initially rude, for instance, he may thaw and become nicer toward
you, but you know that at heart he has his guard up against new people. You
can then wonder why he has his guard up. He is probably a sensitive and
insecure person with a lot of emotional baggage; he feels that he has to act
tough and careless in order to avoid getting hurt.
Particularly articulate and charming people usually have a lot to hide. They
are great at being around people and hiding who they really are. They have
designed behavior that is intended to hook people. Very charming behavior is
often indicative of manipulative and deceptive personalities.
A person who is overly nervous usually has social anxiety and is rife with
insecurities. This person will probably get more comfortable with you over
time. However, you may want to avoid trusting him too much. As a general
rule, people who are insecure are not reliable and will act in ways that are not
always appropriate. Insecure people tend to have trust issues and they will act
out in ways that are hurtful because they believe that they are not good
enough. You are not responsible for the insecurities of another person, so
don’t allow such a person to burden you with his problems and doubts.
A person who acts too calm is probably also a sufferer of social anxiety.
However, he is adept at projecting calmness to hide how nervous he is.
Become suspicious of people who are just “too chill.”
Also watch for people who only want to talk about themselves. People who
are obsessed with themselves and don’t even try to ask you questions about
yourself are typically very selfish. This behavior will not change with time.
Another behavior that will not change with time is someone who is negative,
even on your first meeting. People like this are very toxic and will simply try
to drag you down.
A person who talks about others shamelessly when he first meets you is also
probably a chronic gossip. It is not normal for someone to start gossiping
when he first meets you.
Positivity and enthusiasm are great signs in a person that you have just met.
However, if someone talks too much of a big game and brags overly much,
you can assume that this person is trying to impress you or even make up for
something that he feels that he is lacking. Mild positivity and enthusiasm are
a great sign, but being overly enthusiastic is not.
Confidence and assurance of one’s self is a good sign in a stranger. A person
who is willing to introduce himself to you, look you in the eye, and talk to
you is usually secure in himself. He has developed good social skills and
hence might be a more sensitive friend, lover, or work associate. While you
want to be wary of people who are too smooth and charming, someone who
acts normal yet confident is usually a good person to know.

Ask Pointed Questions

If you want to get to know someone, feel free to ask him questions about
himself. He will probably volunteer a lot of the information that you want to
know. You don’t even have to ask him things to find out a lot of information
about who he is as a person, what he likes, and what he is looking for from
his association with you.
But if he does not volunteer what you want to know, then ask. It is best to ask
pointed questions and to not be vague. If you are vague, you run the risk of
miscommunication. As an adult, there is no use or time for games anymore.
You know that you cannot be a mind reader and neither can anyone else. So
ask what you want to know without shame.
You do not want to appear like you are interrogating someone. Asking rapid-
fire questions can really put a person off. Asking overly personal questions
about someone’s life, family, or personality is also off-putting. But do not be
afraid to ask general, socially acceptable questions whenever there is a break
in the conversation.
Monitor a person in how he answers your questions. Since you have already
more or less established a good baseline, you can tell when there are
inconsistencies in his responses. If his gestures, tone, pitch, or eye contact
suddenly shifts away from his baseline, then you can tell that he is not being
truthful or that a question makes him uncomfortable for some reason. You
can change the subject or pursue it more, depending on your goal in
communication with him.
 Chapter 30: Detecting Lies

How to Determine if Someone Is Lying

Imagine a world where people say the first thing that comes to mind, a world
where you told the truth to everyone you talked with.
For example, let’s say you took one look at your boss early in the morning
only for you to tell him he looks like a weakling.
Or imagine yourself as a salesperson telling a customer how firm and perky
her breasts are or a woman telling her male neighbor how nice and tight his
butt is.
What do you think would be the result? Peace or chaos? Before I answer that,
here’s another scenario most people are quite familiar with: your spouse turns
around in front of the mirror and asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Even if the dress does make her look fat, I know most men will say
something along this line, “No, you don’t, it’s probably the mirror playing
tricks on you.”
So why do we opt to lie or gloss over some important fact? Well, it is to
avoid chaos. As we grow older, we have learned the art of deceit to grease
our interactions with others and help us maintain healthy social interactions.
We know how much the cold, hard truth hurts sometimes, and it’s no wonder
research supports the fact that social liars are more popular than those who
repeatedly say the truth.
This type of lie is referred to as a white lie since we often know the other
person is trying not to hurt our feelings.
Now, what about the malicious lies people tell in order to deliberately
deceive others for their personal gain? This is what we are going to focus our
attention on. In this chapter, we will take a look at the common cues
malicious liars give when they lie or withhold the truth. Before we explore
these common deceptions cues, I want you to understand why it’s so
important to study deception signals.
You and I deserve to know the truth. Society functions on the ability to trust
people’s words, that people will choose to abide by their words. If it didn’t,
society would descend into chaos, relationships would have a very short life,
there would be no commerce, and parents and children would not trust each
other.
In as much as we will sometimes use the white lie to avoid chaos, society
also depends on honesty because we would all suffer in the absence of the
truth.
Millions of people paid the price with their lives when Adolf Hitler lied to
Neville Chamberlain. When Bill Clinton lied, it destroyed the reputation he
had built over the years. When Richard Nixon lied, it nearly broke the
steadfast loyalty and confidence of the American citizens to their country.
Truth is, undoubtedly, essential in all relations, be it professional or personal.
We are lucky that people speak the truth most of the time and most of the lies
we come across are usually social or white lies. When it comes to crucial
matters, it is essential for us to assess the truth of what we are told.
It is not always easy finding the truth. For millennia, people had to rely on the
use of torture devices to get the truth from those suspected of deception.
Today, people have learned how to analyze handwriting and voice and use
the polygraph test to know the truth.
Still, even with our advanced techniques, there are a lot of concerns about the
accuracy of these methods. You may think you have little chance at
succeeding when these modern deception analysis techniques can still fail.
Don’t be discouraged. With practice, you will become better at reading these
deceptions cues.
After all, it is impossible to totally conceal deception.
 Image Source: ThinkPozitive.com

Why Lying Is Difficult

Practice makes perfect, and most people have spent a good amount of time
practicing and honing their lying skills. We have learned how to lie from an
early age, and we’ve done it so often that we have become good at it.
Despite our perceived skills of deception, we still give off nonverbal cues that
betray our innermost emotions to the astute observer.
For instance, people tend to smile less when they lie. This is contrary to the
popular misconception that we smile more when we lie.
The difficulty in deception is that the subconscious mind gives contrary
signals to our verbal statements. That is why it is so easy to catch someone
who’s not experienced in deception. On the other hand, actors, politicians,
and public figures have learned how to refine their body gestures to the level
where it’s difficult to catch them in a lie. They tend to restrict their gestures
in order not to reveal negative or positive gestures when they lie.
Researchers have discovered that it is easier to lie over the phone or an email.
It is also easy to lie when part of your body is obscured from the interviewer
or interrogator. It is no surprise that law enforcement agencies place their
suspect on a chair in the open in a bid to have an unrestricted view of their
body language.
How to Detect Deception
People give off different types of signals that reveal deception. Some of these
signals are so subtle that even veteran body language readers might miss out
on them if they don’t know where to look. Some signals are insignificant
unless you study them in clusters before you can get an accurate analysis.
In some cases, you will be looking for signals of lies of omission— looking
for the hidden piece of information. Other times, you will be searching for
signs of lies of commission—verbal statements or actions that are
inconsistent with the rest of the message.
Sometimes you won’t have access to these deception clues since you might
be communicating with the other person via an email or phone call.
Variables such as ethnicity, gender, and cultural background can also
influence how you detect nonverbal deception cues. Let’s examine the major
signs of deception in people.

Study the Body Language

Every part of the human body betrays our true feelings. By studying the arms,
legs, eyes, nose, and torso, you can effectively deduce if someone is lying.
Liars Will Try to Avoid Eye Contact
When lying, people often avert their eyes in order not to betray their true
emotions. They often do everything in their power to avoid looking at you
since they think their lies will be uncovered through their eyes.
Conversely, people often give you their full attention and concentration when
they tell the truth.
Restricted Body Movement
When someone is lying, they tend to be less expressive with their arms or
hands. This means they are conscious about exposing themselves.
Have you ever noticed your arm movements when you are passionate about
something? Your arms will wave all around as you try to emphasize your
point.
When you notice a person sitting with his legs and arms close to his body, it’s
a sign that he’s keeping something in. Watch out for unnatural hand and arm
gestures. People who lie often try to overcome their restricted body gestures
by using their gestures to convince us of the honesty of their verbal
statement.
Involuntary Cover-Up
When the person’s hand goes straight to the face when making a statement or
responding to a question, it is a clear sign of deceit. Liars often cover their
mouth while speaking as if they don’t believe what they are saying.
Watch Out for Contradictions and Consistencies
In this section, we will take an in-depth look at the correlations between
verbal statements and the accompanying body language.
From obvious contradictions, such as shaking your head from side to side
while saying yes, to a more subtle form of contradiction, such as a pursed lip,
you will learn how to accurately interpret these signals.
You will see that these signs occur both at the conscious and subconscious
level. You will notice when people make a conscious effort to embellish their
points through their forced gestures and off-timing.
You will also learn how to read people’s initial reaction expressions. This is
the initial expression you notice on people’s faces before they mask it with
other body language. Even if you can’t read the fleeting initial expression, it
is usually an indication that someone had something to hide.
Observe the Timing
Timing is everything when detecting deception. For example, if a person’s
head begins to shake in an affirmative direction before the words come out,
then there’s a high chance he’s telling the truth. But if the person’s head
shakes after the point is made, it is a sign that the person is trying to
demonstrate conviction.
Watch out for the arm and hand movements that demonstrate a point after it’s
been made. This gesture is an afterthought, and it’s the work of a shoddy liar.
These arms and hands movements won’t only start late but also seem
mechanical and in war with the “verbal” statement. Someone who is truly
convicted about his statement will nod or shake the head in tune with every
point he makes.
Be aware that a mechanical nodding when there’s no point to emphasize is a
sign of deception.
Sniff out the Contradictions
Timing is crucial, but we need to pay more attention to contradictions
between verbal and nonverbal cues. The woman who smiles while saying, “I
hate you” is sending a contradictory signal. There’s an obvious disharmony
between her facial expression and verbal statement. Another example is a
man telling his girlfriend or spouse he loves while clenching his fists.
Similarly, the gesture and the verbal statement are not in harmony.
Study the Timing of the Emotion
It is also difficult to fake the timing of emotions. For you to detect deception,
carefully observe the timing of the emotions, and you will never be fooled. A
fake emotion is not spontaneous; there’s usually a delay in the onset of the
emotion. The fake emotion lasts longer than normal and ends abruptly.
Let’s take the emotion of surprise to paint this point. The surprise emotion is
always fleeting, and it is a fake response if it lasts too long. So when people
feign surprise, they usually keep the surprised face longer than usual.
The Unhappy Smile
Here’s another contradiction you need to watch out for. I briefly touched this
aspect when I explained the concept of smiles. I elaborated on the difference
between fake and real smiles and how the former is limited to only the mouth
area. When you pay close attention, you will notice that most deception
signals are restricted to the mouth region.
 Chapter 31: Danger Signals

Scientists have concluded that personalities are generally divided into

envious, pessimistic, confident and optimistic. Teamwork can be conclusive
proof of your personality type. Every person is a world, or so they say.
Although people who have gone through several companies know that, for
one reason or another, it seems that certain patterns repeat themselves. If
people divided into groups, depending on how they react to different
situations, would you know how to recognize each of them?

Game Theory
To analyze these social behaviors, a study was based on the so-called "game
theory". A researcher in this study said, "game theory is a mathematical way
of approaching situations in which two or more people have to make
decisions that affect everyone". This idea is based on the idea that all people
know in advance the consequences of their decisions and therefore will act in
their own interest.
According to the study, which viewed the responses of over 500 volunteers to
various social dilemmas, game theory can be applied to identify different
patterns of personalities. One of the most well-known games of this theory is
called a "prisoner's dilemma," which shows that two people may not
cooperate, even if this goes against their interest.
The researcher explains that the best way to understand the game is through a
concrete example: "Suppose you and I have to do a job that must be
evaluated by a boss. Each of us has to make a choice between two options:
striving and helping one another, or not acting and letting the other do
everything." In this case, the options would be: to divide the efforts between
the two; that one strives and the other does not; or that, finally, nobody does
anything, considering that in this case neither would receive for the work.
Continuing with the example, there were four very different groups. On the
one hand, the envious, "who are those who, when interacting with another
person, prefer to earn less, if in this way make sure to earn more than the
other person," meaning that they could boycott work; the other group is that
of optimists, that is, "those who seek the maximum gain, supposing,
therefore, that the decision of the other will be the one that will allow them to
achieve", so that you can be seated because you will be the other who will do
all the work; the opposite of these would be the pessimists, "who think that
the other will come to annoy them, and therefore try to pass an image that is
the least bad possible," so they strive to do the work, thinking that the other
will not do; and finally, there would be the confident, that is, "the good
people who make the decision that would lead to a better outcome for all
(though not the best for them individually)." This was one of the examples,
although the idea was to offer volunteers different social games of this style,
recording what kinds of decisions they made in each of them.

Example of Prisoner’s Dilemma

There Are More Envious People

Analyzing the sample, the results revealed that 20% of the people
corresponded to an optimistic profile, another 20% to a pessimistic profile,
20% were in the trust group and 30% belonged to the envy block. Another
10%, however, did not meet the established standards, since they seemed to
choose by chance.
If it is possible to draw any conclusion from this study, then it would be true
that the envious are more. With the classification in groups we see (and we
would like other experiments to confirm), one might think that when we go
out on the street, we have a 30% chance to run into an envious person, 20%
find an optimist, and so on , and try to make decisions based on this
information.
Although the researchers make it clear that this is a very theoretical study and
that people do not work that way, because when we find an unknown, which
would be the closest to the experiment, we do not know which it's your type;
so it's not easy to take that into account to interact with it. The idea they
actually let air up is that "if for some reason we interact repeatedly with the
same person, we can begin to understand their personality and use that
information for our own decisions."

Recognizing and Interacting with Each Type of

Personality
The question to ask is how we recognize these personalities or what we
should focus on to classify them. Perhaps the most important thing is to
recognize the envious because they are dangerous people. We must not forget
that, after all, being willing to have fewer benefits to stay above the other is
highly destructive behavior, and worse, not only to the other but to the
envious one himself. To recognize them, he adds that "it is best to focus
precisely on the attention given to what others can attain when interacting
with them."
Regarding the optimists and pessimists, researchers report that "in our study,
we also see behaviors that are associated with very different perceptions of
risk: so, the optimists are very willing to risk, while the pessimists are
completely the opposite."
So "if we see that someone behaves in a crazy way, it's quite likely to be an
optimist"; on the contrary, people overly cautious and who tend to inactivity
and excuses could respond to a pessimistic profile. However, we should not
confuse ourselves with the positive character of the former and negative of
the seconds, since "with both, you have to be cautious, because depending on
the situation we share, decisions can be bad for us." So, going no further, in
the example given by game theory, "the optimist would not work, so we had
better do the work."
 Chapter 32: Detecting Specific Personality

We’ll begin our journey by learning the personality types – the basic
structure of your analysis. Think of this as the scaffolding; how close to
completing the building you get will depend on how much time and effort
you put into fleshing out the picture.
Of all the many personality systems that have been suggested over the years,
the one that has proved most reliable and accurate is the Myers Briggs. This
particular system looks at four bell curves and places a person somewhere on
the scale for each. This, in turn, provides 16 potential combinations that lead
to a personality description.
Though the traditional Myers Briggs test involves a questionnaire, it’s
entirely possible to calculate where a person falls on each of these bell curves
without asking them a single question.
To do so, you simply need to calculate where they fall on the scale of each of
these four dichotomies. A person cannot be both introverted and extroverted;
nor can they be thinking and feeling at the same time.
Let’s take a look at each of the four in turn:

Introversion versus Extroversion

An introvert only has so much energy to give at one time to social
interactions, while an extrovert actually derives their energy from such
occasions. In other words, an extrovert thrives on interaction and is likely to
be talkative, gregarious and comfortable in large social situations, taking
pleasure in any activity that involves other people.
An introvert, on the other hand, is more reserved and reflected and derives
their energy from reflection. This energy is then spent during social
interactions and eventually dwindles, requiring time alone for more reflection
to replenish.
It’s not that one of these two classes likes people and the other doesn’t: the
difference is in the source of energy. Think of it as spending as opposed to
earning; at a party, an extrovert is earning their energy, while an introvert is
spending it. When in their own company, an introvert is earning and an
extrovert is spending.
This can manifest in very different ways, as you might expect. An introvert is
likely to have hobbies such as reading, gaming and spending time in nature,
where an extrovert would balk at the idea of so much alone time and prefers
community events, gatherings and parties.
It’s easy to mistake shyness for introversion and vice versa and it’s not
uncommon for introverts to get a bad rap as “anti-social” – understandable
for a species that is hyper-social and finds it difficult to fully understand
someone who prefers their own company.
Both ends of this spectrum have their positive and negative sides. For an
extrovert, popularity and being the “life of the party” tends to be rewarding
for those around them as well as themselves and they are often found at the
heart of a community.
To find an extrovert, look for the person whose idea it was to host a chili
cook-off and who is making the rounds of the guests making small talk and
laughing. Look for the person who was first to arrive and has an almost
magnetic attraction for others, or the one who most readily signs up for
business initiatives and political groups. An extrovert thrives in such
conditions and is easy to spot right at the center of the action.
An introvert feels considerably less comfortable in these situations but, on the
other hand, thrives in the kinds of activity that require contemplation and
deep thought. Writers, artists, scientists – even leaders, in situations where
the goal is to change the world rather than personal gain.
This can be the easiest of the four dichotomies to spot. Take a look at the
person’s body language: if it is open and relaxed with signs of happiness and
contentment while at the center of a crowd or group of people, and their voice
is raised with little regard for who might overhear, you are likely dealing with
an extrovert. The more people attracted to that person’s innate charisma, the
more extroverted they are likely to be.
A person who prefers to be near the edges of the crowd and is showing the
body language signals of prey rather than predator (closed arms, lack of eye
contact, stiff limbs, positioned to avoid as much attention as possible, quiet
speaking voice) is your introvert. The more uncomfortable they seem, the
more introverted.
 Image Source: Business2Community

Sensing Versus Intuition

The second dichotomy is a little more complicated to understand, but equally
important to a person’s overall character. Intuition is the ability to know
about something even in the absence of tangible proof, which can allow a
person to sense what’s coming down the road. An intuitive person relies on
their gut feeling and looks more at the big picture than the details, preferring
to consider the possibility of the future than the reality of the present
moment.
Such a person tends to be innovative and likes to buck the trend, finding
creative solutions to problems and analyzing situations quickly and
productively. Logic is not the main driving force; rather, they rely on gut
instinct to drive their decisions.
Sensory people, on the other hand, are only interested in what their senses are
telling them. Their decisions are driven by what they can see, hear, feel,
touch and taste and a conscious analysis of these things. Data is more
important than subconscious feelings and decisions are rarely made in the
absence of proof. Logic is the driving force, as is practicality, and a sensory
person is more likely to stick to tried and tested methods than suggest new
ones.
How can you tell if the person you are speaking to is intuitive or sensory?
The two personality types will enjoy very different types of conversation.
Test this out by asking the person how their day has gone and listen hard to
the types of observations they make. A sensory person will focus on the
things they sensed – what they heard people say, what they saw and what
color it was, how loud the music was in the elevator. An intuitive person will
not give so many details and will likely give a shorter answer, as the minutiae
of the day was not what they were focusing on.
Now, ask that same person an abstract question – something about their
views on politics, social justice, and religion, anything that is more about
considering an issue than observing what is around them. An intuitive will
jump on this and begin a conversation that could easily last for hours,
exploring new ideas and tapping you for your own opinions, but a sensory
will grow tired of it after not too long at all.
In essence, a sensory is able to discuss pop culture, the latest social gathering,
their day at work or anything else where their strong powers of perception
come into play for hours on end, while an intuitive can explore the unknown
and intangible much more readily, finding “big ideas” more meaningful and
rewarding.

Thinking versus Feeling

This dichotomy concerns how a person makes their decisions. A thinker does
so based on facts and principles, looking at the logic of a situation and
weighing up the positive and negatives sides and searching for explanations.
In other words, the driving force behind their decisions is their brain and the
emotional impact is given second fiddle.
Thinkers are direct and straightforward, focused on fairness and telling the
truth, no matter how that affects the person they are talking to. The human
element of a scenario is not as important to a thinker as the logical facts in
front of them.
A feeling person is more driven by their emotions and how a decision will
make them feel, rather than the stark logic of the situation. The driving force
behind their decisions is their heart.
This does not just apply to their own emotions, either: a feeling person will
bear in mind the emotional impact that their decision could have on those
around them, too. They are compassionate and tactful, preferring to save
someone’s feelings rather than give them the cold, hard truth. These are the
idealists of the world, who prefer to create harmony and happiness wherever
they go.
When speaking to a thinker, you’ll notice that they are interested in facts and
figures. If you are selling to a thinker, for instance, you’ll find they want to
know about the price, the different options available and similarity to another
recent purchase. A feeler, on the other hand, wants to know more about how
their purchase wills look and feel, how it will fit into their lives and the lives
of their loved ones and what kind of person likes the different options.
In a more general conversation, a thinker is likely to gather facts from you –
what you do, where you live, who you are related to. They are brief and
concise and their words are straightforward. A feeler, on the other hand, will
want to know more about how you feel and what you are thinking as they
attempt to empathize with you more strongly. They will come across as
friendlier and warmer and will be more open about themselves – expecting
the same from you in return.

Judging Versus Perceiving

The final dichotomy concerns how a person interacts with the world around
them and how they deal with the stress and strain of life.
A judging person is organized and capable of planning ahead, preparing for
outcomes ahead of time and great at meeting deadlines. They focus well and
stick between the lines of the careful plans they make.
Those who fall into the judging category often make lists of things to do and
prefer to get their work finished before turning their attention to recreation.
They rarely procrastinate until the last minute, portioning out their workloads
evenly. On the other hand, they can tend to focus so much on a goal that they
ignore new information along the way to it.
A perceiving person, on the other hand, is entirely more flexible and can
adapt to changes along the way much more easily. They are more
comfortable making decisions without any specific facts and plans available
and enjoy experimenting.
Those who fall into this category stay open to new information and prefer not
to make plans wherever possible. They swap between work and play,
completing their work in bursts of energy rather than allocated blocks. On the
other hand, they can sometimes stay so open to new information that they
miss making decisions when decisions are needed.
The difference is mainly about structure. While a judging person likes
structure and concrete plans, a perceiving person prefers to be spontaneous
and adapt along the way.
When speaking with a judging person, you’ll notice that they have everything
figured out for their future plans. If you suggest an activity, their first impulse
will be to ask when, where and how long it will last. A perceiving person, on
the other hand, will ask if you feel like leaving right now and will be easy and
open to a different suggestion.
Judging people often come across as more rigid, while perceiving people
seem eager to just go with the flow. A judging person might actually appear
uncomfortable at a proposal that doesn’t come with detailed information,
though whether a person is judging or perceiving doesn’t actually affect their
eagerness to indulge in an activity. On the contrary: suggest a day of ice
skating to either type and they’re equally likely to love the idea. The judging
person is just going to want to know precisely what your plans are to make it
happen.
 Chapter 33: Interpreting Verbal Communications

No communication is completed until the message is received by the receiver.

And to make sure that the message has been reached to the specific person
properly, people strive to find better ways to reach their audience as the
message must have to be communicated in a proper manner. In
communication, a principle of sharing is evident. But this sharing needs
appropriate verbal communication techniques. A person's personality gets
doomed when they open their mouths, and insignificant words come out. It
needs proper work and time to enhance and improve an individual's verbal
communication skills. No one is born perfect. But people work hard to
achieve perfection. Experts believe that good verbal skills are important for
your carrier, relationships, and self-esteem.
Verbal communication plays a powerful role in the enhancement of one’s
personality, career development, and happy personal life. We all are bound
directly or indirectly with each other as we move along together in a society.
We need to communicate at every step of our lives. We need words to define
emotions, thoughts, objects, and behaviors. But these are not just words;
these are the verbal skills we learn by the passage of time and with people
from whom we interact. Similarly, the person you are going to analyze will
also be communicating using more or less the same skills and methods for the
same goals and purposes. Thus, understanding them becomes easier.

Pretext Communication
Pretext communication is dodging another person in a manner that he realizes
the real reason for some specific act later. It is about misinterpreting or hiding
information. For example, Anna called her friend on a sleepover without
giving her a hint that she wants to complete her homework with her.

Contextual communication
It is the form of communication in which both parties know about the
exchange of information on account of cultural, environmental, and relational
contexts. To explain it better, consider an example of Bluetooth or mobile
verification process. When we use mobiles, we have to go through biometrics
or personal information sharing, and both sides know the input and output of
the shared information. This is called contextual communication.

Sub-textual Communication
The subtext is an underlying emotion or intention. It lies behind the actual
communication acting like an unspoken dialogue amidst the spoken words.
As communication experts say that a person's voice is a vehicle carrying
several passengers such as emotions, intonations, and pretexts, and subtexts.
Suppose, you are hearing a person delivering a speech about flood victims in
a charity fundraiser. You hear him speak seemingly practical words, but his
voice carries an underlying sympathy and care for the cause. This behind the
curtain's emotion is a sub-textual part of an otherwise ordinary conversation.
Similarly, you often find yourself saying "Don't worry, I am fine" with an
angry tone, to a nagging friend who keeps on asking if you are okay. When in
reality, your voice suggests your anger and sadness and defies your actual
words. The art of analyzing people through their communication styles makes
you quickly realize these underlying intonations and understand the real
intention of a person regardless of what his words are. You may have heard,
actions speak louder than words, but here actually, the tone is far more
revealing than the word itself.

Inter-textual Communication
Even though, according to popular opinion, intertextuality means the
explanation of one text in terms of another text or exploring the
interrelationship of similar textual pieces. Here, in terms of communication,
intertext means to relate the saying or communicative expression of a person
to another one that he or she or some other person said or expressed. This
way, a person's thoughts, and uttered expressions can be defined and
explained through references in a relative manner. The metaphors, quotations,
or allusions are sometimes used as intertextual devices. People often
communicate in an intertextual manner when they attempt to cite another
author or person's sayings to relate to their opinions or statements.
The role of verbal skills is very significant and important as we cannot stay
mute for hours. We need to share. We need to communicate; we need to
interact for the reason of survival. Man cannot survive without letting out the
thoughts, feelings, and emotions. And this can only be possible with coherent
and concise verbal communications. There are some barriers also which
affect verbal communication such as distractions, lack of interest, emotional
barriers, the difference in point of view, physical disabilities like hearing
problems, speech difficulties, etc. These can be the cause of ineffective verbal
communication. The most important barrier is the linguistic barrier as will be
discussed below.

Types of Communication Barriers

An emotionally intelligent person strives to learn empathy by overcoming
barriers in communication. These individual tries to learn methods of
effective communication by analyzing another person's way of
communication; therefore, he must understand that sometimes, these barriers
are unavoidable. Obstacles such as distortion or disturbance during a
conversation, a disturbed state of mind, or moodiness may become the cause
of miscommunication among individuals. Due to these factors, the chances of
misunderstandings increase exponentially during communication, and these
results in a lack of successful comprehension of the transmitted message.
Communication barriers may vary in nature. Some of them are psychological,
linguistic, physical, cultural, emotional, etc. See the details of these barriers
below:
1. Linguistic Barriers

The main one is the language barrier that can affect effective communication.
Language is an essential communication tool. Every state has its specific
language and a thick dialect. If you are unaware of the language or dialect of
a region, it can make communication nearly impossible in some cases. Nor
can a person being unaware of the language of another individual be able to
analyze his voice intonation or verbal expressions.
2. Psychological Barriers

Several psychological and mental issues can disturb effective

communication. These issues may vary in people, such as speech disorders,
stage fear, depression, phobia, etc. Sometimes, it can be challenging to
manage these conditions.
3. Emotional Barriers

Your emotional IQ determines the comfort and ease of communication. An

emotionally mature person can communicate effectively. For effective
communication, you will need a perfect blend of facts and emotions.
Particular emotions like humor, sadness, fear, frustration, and anger may blur
your executive capacities.
4. Physical Barriers

Physical barriers are represented by closed doors or cabins, noise, faulty

equipment (used for communication), etc. You can remove these barriers
easily by using alternatives to facilitate effective communication. Sometimes,
physical separation between numerous employees and dependency on some
defective equipment for communication can decrease the effectiveness of the
mutual interface.
5. Cultural Barriers

The world is becoming globalized; therefore, a large office often contains

people from different regions of the world. Remember, the meaning of a
word can be different in every culture. Drinks, food, pets, and general
behavior may vary drastically in each culture.
For effective communication, you have to consider different cultures during a
conversation. Companies may offer specialized courses at their orientation
stages. The purpose of these courses is to teach tolerance and courtesy to
people from different cultures. In order to be efficient in reading people's
behavior and approaching them with the right attitude without causing an
offense intentionally or unintentionally, you have to identify and address
these communication barriers appropriately.
Technique 1: Note the Greeting & Farewell
The conversation your subject is having will have an opening and an end.
This technique lets you focus on the way he opens the conversation with
people by greeting them and the way he closes it by saying his farewell. You
would have to focus on his style of greeting his guests, host, or appointed
help in the office environment.
Note, does he say "Hi, what's up!" or "Hey/Hello" in a conversational, candid
manner or "Good Evening / Good day to you, etc." in a stiff tone? The former
will let you know his informal and friendly personality while the latter may
suggest a bit more formal and reserved attitude. The excitement, pent up
anticipation, and overwhelming joy can also be conveyed through the warmth
of the greeting, whereas the suppressed annoyance or displeasure on seeing
someone unexpected or unwelcomed can be revealed through the cold,
distant greeting message.
Similarly, notice how he quotes his farewell message. A person who is quite
reluctant to leave someone's precious company will often be regretful while
saying his farewell. His words would portray his eagerness to meet again,
such as "Can't wait to see you again soon." While a person finding another's
company boring or offensive will be impatient to take his leave. His parting
words may reveal how glad he is to finally have the chance to escape such as
"I think I should go now as I have something quite important to attend to,
excuse me."
Technique 2: Note the Conversation in between
The research shows how often people tend to overwhelm their audience by
wordy phrases and nonstop banter. It sometimes shows that with an
unfavorable audience, people fill their conversational address with
continuous verbal messages that are complicated to be processed quickly by
the brain. This way, the chances of any disapproval are lessened, and an
expected argument can be avoided. Diverting the conversation to a person's
favorite topic can also grab his interest. A person showing extra quietness or
responding with hmms and aahs can also be deemed uninterested or
preoccupied.
Technique 3: Read Between the Lines (Understand the Innuendos)
The popular “Inneundo Effect” suggests that people can be saying something
positive and another, less positive thing can be inferred from their words. The
fact is that you must learn this technique if you want to understand what
people say and what they really think or intend to do. An open mind and an
observing eye can notice numerous things. Try to read between the lines as
merely visible text interpretation might not be enough while analyzing people
and speed-reading their minds.
While your subject may seem quite disinterested in buying a particular book,
he may be fixated on some alternative approach such as listening to a
program on the same topic instead. He may say, "Interesting topic it is, but I
am not buying that book, you do that. I am not that much into reading
complex books. I prefer spending my time listening to radio programs."
Even if he has not clearly declared that he wants to know more about the
topic, he has expressed that he thinks it to be interesting. He has also stated
that he is more into listening to the radio than reading complex books. But he
hasn't declared the topic to be complex, just the format of its presentation.
This means that he may be finding alternative ways to search and know more
about the topic that he too has found interesting. Thus, as a person analyzing
him, you may understand him more if you read between the lines of this
conversation, not just the words that have clearly been said, but also the
words that were just insinuated or implied.
Technique 4: Understand the Language and Speech Devices
This technique focuses on learning the language of the person you are
analyzing and the popular literary devices used in that particular language.
Metaphors, similes, analogies, allusions, anagrams, amplification, anecdotes,
anthropomorphism, allegory, euphemism, etc.
 Chapter 34: How to Understand Personality Types

Personality is one of the easiest concepts to understand. It is what makes

people and comprises of all the characteristics that set a person apart from
others. This definition becomes more complex in the world of psychology
where it refers to the pattern of cognition, affection, and desires and the way
they influence human behavior.
Another definition of personality by APA is that it is the differences in
characteristic patterns of feeling, thinking and behaving among individuals.
APA stands for the American Psychological Association.
Personality is an important part of your existence. It has a great impact on
human life and contributes greatly to human satisfaction. There are many
reasons why you should understand your personality type. Here are some of
them
Gives you a better understanding of others – when you know your
personality scores, you will be able to understand why other people react the
way they do. People interact with the world around them differently and no
personality is superior to the other. Most conflicts arise when people assume
that others should always have the same attitudes, opinions, and views as
themselves. Understanding your preferences and traits can help open your
eyes about others and this will assist you to respect them more.
Helps you to understand your likes and dislikes – maybe there is a habit you
have but you do not understand how it arises. For instance, you may be a
person that does not like talking on the phone, or you always take time to
make even simple decisions. All these revolve around your personality. By
seeking to understand your personality, you will get to know how your
preferences come about. This will ensure that you stay on course, even in
making life decisions like choosing a career. When you understand what you
like/dislike, you will be able to live a happier, more fulfilling life.
Helps you to understand the best environment for your success – by getting
more information about your personality, you will easily come up with better
ways of solving problems. For instance, if you get to know that you are an
introverted individual, you will learn how to become comfortable when in a
crowd.
You will learn how to appreciate your strengths and weaknesses- knowing
what you are good or not good at are a great step towards improving your
performance and developing yourself. For each personality types, some traits
will act as strengths in some situations and weaknesses in others. It is
important to understand how you can balance your traits in every situation
that comes along. You can only achieve this when you understand your
personality type and what it entails.
There are several dimensions or frameworks use to define personality. The
most common is the five-factor personality model that is used all over the
world because of its reliability. This model focuses on the most common
personality traits. Every individual always has some knowledge about his or
her personality type. These traits that form part of the Big Five include:
Openness
Extroversion
Agreeableness
Conscientiousness
Neuroticism

The Big Five model was established in the 1970s. The research team
comprised of two groups that were under the leadership of Paul Costa and
Robert McCrae, as well as Lewis Goldberg from the University of Michigan.
These five traits are believed to consist of what makes up a person’s
personality. An individual can have one or more of these traits in dominance
and others as traces. Let us have a detailed look at each of them.

Openness to Experience
Openness is one trait that defines people who are adventurous. If you are a
person with this trait, you will have a high sense of curiosity and imagination.
Such people really value and appreciate art. They love to try out a variety of
new things.
Individuals with high levels of openness tend to have a wide range of
preferences and interests. They prefer adventure over routine. They always
realize their self-actualization through dynamic experiences. Sometimes
individuals that rate high in openness appear as unfocused and unpredictable.
Openness, in this case, refers to the complexity of a person’s experiences and
mental wellbeing. This trait is sometimes referred to as imagination or
intellect. Openness gives you the ability to think and operate outside the box.
Besides imagination, adventure and curiosity, other characteristics that are
related to this trait include:
✓ Originality or authenticity
✓ Creativity
✓ Daringness
✓ Varied interest
✓ Perceptiveness
✓ Depth
✓ Cleverness and insightfulness
Individuals whose personality fall in this category also love to learn and
enjoy meeting new individuals. Such people make good leaders since they
can easily embrace new ideas and they adjust quickly to any changes within
teams and the organization. Research associates the trait with diverse skills
and experiences. It also shows that a person’s openness increases naturally as
the person grows old. The trait is also directly connected with aspects such as
self-understanding, which help individuals to explore their inner self either on
their own or with the help of a therapist.
Besides correlating with several other traits mentioned above, openness has
also been linked with a high sense of stability that continues over time. It is
one of the traits that may remain unchanged over long periods. When
compared with the other four traits, openness somehow relates to
extroversion and neuroticism. However, there is no relation between it and
conscientiousness or agreeableness. Individuals who can link their behavior
with this trait can take advantage of it to build their lives as they explore
themselves, others and the world around them.
Individuals who scoreless in this trait often value routines. They always seek
to stick to the little they know and do not have a preference for art. Such
people tend to stick to habits and ignore new opportunities.

Agreeableness
This measures a person’s ability to remain kind and warm towards others. An
agreeable person is often trustworthy compassionate and willing to assist
others. People that lack this trait tend to be cold towards others. They are
always suspicious and do not love to cooperate with others.
Most people with this trait often make good dancers. They are always
committed to volunteer assignments and this is why other people see them as
naïve. They get along well with others and put the interests of other people
before their own interests. Such people also value tradition and always
conform to power and regulations. They always avoid placing too much
emphasis on achievements and power. Their motivation comes from the
desire to meet established norms and obligations. They are also driven by the
welfare of others and do not act in cruelty or selfishness.
Because of their warmth and friendliness, agreeable people always enjoy
good family and peer relationships. They are always guided by forgiveness
and gratitude and most of them live long. These people always play a vital
role in relationships where interaction is essential. The trait is therefore
associated with high social support and a healthy adjustment to midlife
processes. Because most friendly people always lack the motivation to go for
higher levels of success, these people always tend to concentrate on friends
and family most of the time. When compared with other traits, agreeableness
somewhat correlates positively with extroversion and conscientiousness. It
correlates negatively with neuroticism.
Like extroverts, agreeable people often have a wide circle of friends.
However, they sometimes encounter the challenge of putting others before
themselves. They, therefore, end up missing some important opportunities
related to learning, development, and success. Such individuals can take
advantage of their strengths through consulting their social networks when
help is required and positively engaging in volunteer activities. Below are
some of the traits that characterize individuals with this kind of personality.
✓ Trust
✓ Modesty
✓ Altruism
✓ Moderation
✓ Patience
✓ Kindness
✓ Unselfishness
✓ Willingness to assist others
✓ Cheerfulness
✓ Sensitivity
✓ Loyalty
Most of these individuals are highly loved and respected. They are always
sensitive to other people’s needs and always have very few enemies. They are
always sympathetic to every, including strangers. Individuals that are
disagreeable are less trusted. They are always rude, sarcastic and
antagonistic.

Conscientiousness
Individuals who possess this trait are always dutiful and highly organized.
They are very reliable and result-oriented. They plan their schedules well and
do not love unnecessary adventure. Such individuals always find satisfaction
in high achievements. They are self-sufficient and value good behavior.
One characteristic of conscientious people is that they always delay
gratification and ensure that others stick to the rules of an agreement. They
make good planners and are more likely to excel in their careers and life in
general. Just like openness, individuals who are conscientious always
perform well in leadership positions since they complete their assignments
with a lot of determination.
Conscientiousness is often linked to conformity and high performance.
People who measure highly on this trait do value order and routine, self-
discipline and increased levels of competency. It is also linked to
effectiveness in job performance and career success. The trait has also been
correlated to adjustment to the challenges of life. This means that those
individuals who rank high in conscientiousness are often prepared to handle
any obstacles that they encounter.
The trait also correlates negatively with things such as smoking, depression
and substance abuse. When compared with other traits, it relates negatively to
neuroticism and positively with agreeableness. However, it does not have any
correlation with openness and extraversion. Common traits associated with
conscientiousness include:
✓ Ambition
✓ Self-discipline
✓ Control
✓ Predictability
✓ Reliability
✓ Thoroughness
✓ Persistence
✓ Hard work, energy, and planning
From this, it is quite clear that individuals with low levels of
conscientiousness tend to be procrastinators. They are often spontaneous and
may appear as careless. Most of these views those with high
conscientiousness as obsessive and stubborn. People who rank high in this
trait can take advantage of their planning, organization and perseverance
skills to excel in their assignments.

Extroversion
This is one of the most popular traits of this personality model. Extraverted
individuals often display a high sense of sociability. They tend to draw their
energy from interacting with a large number of people. They are always
chatty and cheerful.
Individuals with high levels of extroversion always possess a lot of energy
for engaging in social activities. They are easy to get along with since they
easily mingle with people, including strangers. Sometimes they can be
mistaken for attention-seekers or bossy individuals. Some of the common
traits in extroverted individuals include:
Assertiveness
Energy
Talkativeness
Articulation
Love for affection
Social confidence
Sociability
Outgoing capability
Friendliness

These people always seek every possible opportunity to interact with

someone. They are always active and love environments that provide both
pleasure and excitement. They also make good influencers and leaders. They
can also contribute to the great success of departments that involve
interacting with people such as sales, marketing, and customer service. Such
people make effective trainers. They adjust easily to challenges and can
sustain social relationships for quite a long time.
Just like openness, this trait is also one of the most stable ones over the years.
This means that it is almost impossible for extroverts to shift into becoming
introverts and vice versa. Due to this stability, the trait has been effectively
used to determine the performance and wellbeing of individuals. It is also
used to instill positive emotions and assess the presence of overconfidence in
a person’s job performance.
In comparison with other traits, extroversion relates negatively to neuroticism
and positively with openness. In detail, extroverts do:
Focus their interests on the external world instead of internal reality
Carry out their tasks based on what others think about them
Make decisions based on others and not themselves
Their morals are governed by what goes on around them
Adapt to almost any environment
Are easy to influence and imitate others a lot
They always want to be given attention by others
One major weakness of extroverted individuals is that they are always prone
to making rash decisions and since they love attention, they may be
insensitive to the needs of others. The opposite of this trait is introversion.
Introverts enjoy spending time alone. They have less value for social
interactions and are somewhat confused with shy people.
 Chapter 35: Important Of Understanding
Personality Types

Every tragic event makes us think of our own security. We would all like to
know what misfortunes and fatalities await us in the future to be able to avoid
them in time. But, fortunately, or unfortunately, this knowledge is beyond our
reach. However, the years of experience of experts allowed identifying six
basic characteristics that are inherent to potential criminals. Thanks to these
signals, it is not difficult to realize if a person can represent a danger to
society.

Change in Self-Perception
The psycho-emotional portrait of most criminals contains a common detail: a
pronounced maximalist or minimalism in judgments, including self-
perception. A person can exaggerate his own meaning to be considered a
representation of the highest or, on the contrary, minimize their role in
society.
For example, one of the attackers wrote in his personal diary: "I am God."
This is a clearly expressed radical idea of his superiority over others.
Undoubtedly, even without special education, it is possible to notice this type
of deviations in human behavior, especially if they are atypical for the person
in question.
How it manifests:
Manic desire to express racial, gender, social and other types of superiority
over others;
Unconscious underestimation of their importance to the rest of the world,
relatives, and friends;
Categorical refusal to consider any other point of view that differs from their
own.
The tendency towards dangerous hobbies it is worth saying that interest in
cold or fire weapons is not a direct sign that a person is a potential criminal.
Legal hunting, the collection of rare knives or rifles, the love of computer
shooting games is nothing more than a hobby. It is important to see and
understand the line that separates a hobby from the manic tendency to deadly
dangers.
But if a person admires psychopaths and criminals, expresses approval and
respect for some radical ideas and goals, openly expresses extremism, it is a
good reason to stay away.

Lack of Empathy for another Person

As a general rule, a person with a tendency to self-destruction eradicates the
feeling of compassion and empathy for others. In general, these people lie
very well, are prone to violence, and enjoy the torture and humiliation of
other people.
The modern world is used to expressing their emotions and preferences in the
most simple and accessible way: through social networks. Videos of category
18+ with scenes of cruelty and violence, aggressive appeals and slogans,
membership in radical communities, are an important part of what should
cause concern. Just looking at the content that interests a person, you can
often understand what is more focused.
How it manifests itself:
✓ Inability to sincere repentance for the works performed
✓ The person does not express concern for the people around them
✓ The person does not care about their own physical and emotional health
✓ Great ability to manipulate other people to achieve their own goals.
✓ Clear Mental Disorders

In this case, we are talking about inappropriate behavior that differs from
established norms. It can be obvious aggressiveness or hatred towards other
people and animals, mood swings for no reason, attempts to withdraw and
abstract. In reality, the symptoms are many, but people who know their
problems can hide them well. After all, in criminal practice, there are many
cases of violent psychopaths that, in the family environment, were quite
common people.
How it manifests:
✓ Altered mental activity and behavioral reactions
✓ Irrational aggression and sudden mood swings
✓ Behavior that goes beyond the limits of existing moral and cultural norms
✓ The person may feel inexplicably happy or unhappily unimportant about the
 events that occurred
✓ Vague awareness of reality and inadequate perception of one's state
✓ Problems in Contacting the Outside World

The desire to abstain from the outside world can arise for a number of
reasons. It can be caused by a prolonged illness, a mental disorder, a long
vacation, or excessive use of modern technology.
The tendency to de-socialize in adolescents, school children, or university
students is often caused by bullying: psychological terror, persecution,
beatings, and humiliation of one person by another. Children and adolescents,
as a rule, try to hide this type of aggressive manifestations from others,
considering it shameful. If you notice that your friend, son, or relative is
under pressure, then in no way should you turn a blind eye.

Depression
Here we are talking about real depression, not stress, or a sad spell of bad
luck. It is very important to distinguish these concepts, since depression is a
mental disorder, while stress or a sad spell of bad luck is quite a natural
phenomenon in the life of a person.
The experts distinguish several types of this disease, but all are united by
these symptoms:
✓ Apathy and lethargy, indifference, lack of emotions and desires
✓ Sleep disorders, anxiety, fear, loss of concentration
✓ Low self-esteem, a desire to hide from society
✓ Thoughts about death, suicide, the afterlife, concentration on the negative
moments of life
✓ Alcohol abuse, refusal to eat or tendency to overeat, unwillingness to take care of
one's appearance
What Is the Conclusion?
We all sometimes want to be alone; we all have bad mood days and even
emotional overflows. So, before drawing conclusions, you must analyze all
the components of the person's behavior, because many of our actions depend
on the context of the situations in which we find ourselves.
And remember that most tragic events could have been avoided if someone
had asked for help from another person on time.
Human Behavior Is Predictable By 93%
A study reveals certain patterns in our mobility, such as the fact that we
always return to sites already visited. A team of researchers studied the
mobility of thousands of people through the signals of their mobile phones.
Thus, they have discovered that our displacements are always highly
predictable, regardless of whether we move large or short distances. Knowing
the patterns of human mobility, which are maintained in different social
groups and environments, could serve to optimize urban development and
public health policies.
What We Think About Our Future Determines Our Happiness
The electrical activity of the heart can already be simulated. Study shows that
body language expresses our socioeconomic status. Religion is an effective
regulator of human behavior. Some human behaviors have an evolutionary
background. Human behavior is predictable by 93%, says a group of
scientists.
The researcher came to this conclusion from an investigation in which the
displacement patterns of anonymous users of mobile telephony were studied.

Specifically, the journeys of a total of 50,000 people, chosen at random from

a set of 10 million individuals, were analyzed over three months.
This study has revealed that, although it is generally believed that most of the
actions that we take are unpredictable and random; however, humans follow
regular patterns most of the time.
Spontaneous People Are Scarce
Spontaneous individuals are scarce among the population. Thus, although
significant differences have been found in the travel patterns among the
individuals studied, the movements of each one of them, separately, are
equally predictable.
This predictability is, as has been said, of 93%, regardless of the distance that
people travel when traveling: whether they move far from their homes or stay
close to them, you can "guess" with the same exactitude they will find out in
the next hour.
Another researcher points out that people usually assume that it is easier to
predict people that travel very less as compared to people that travel over a
thousand kilometers.
Back to the Known
However, this study has shown that, despite the heterogeneity of
displacements, the movement of all individuals falls within what is expected.

Research has also shown another surprising aspect of population mobility:

patterns of individual movements do not vary significantly depending on
certain demographic categories, such as age, sex, population density or
whether the location studied is rural or urban
These users were also selected randomly from a list of more than six million
people.
In this case, the results were similar to those of the present investigation: the
scientists verified that, in spite of the diversity of the travel history of each of
the individuals analyzed, all followed reproducible mobility patterns.
What It Is For
As the scientists published, foreseeing the movements of people could serve
as a management resource for mobile communications.
On the other hand, it would also be useful to make models for the expansion
of epidemics, to carry out better urban planning or to design traffic more
efficiently.
In general, being able to know scientifically how the population is going to
move could have a positive impact on society, on public health policies, and
on urban development.
Be a Model of Behavior for a Teenager
When we talk about influencing behavior, one of the most powerful tools is
role modeling. Finding an appropriate model of behavior for a teenager or
being ourselves is one of the most effective methods to get him to change his
habits.
Keep in mind that modeling is one of the tools you can use to change your
child's behavior.
Psychology has traditionally studied imitation. Human beings are social
beings, and nature has endowed us with an innate capacity to learn from
others by repeating their behavior.
This is a fabulous way to maintain the culture at the level of society, but it is
also a way to achieve a specific change in behavior in those who need it.
The basic idea of this technique is simple. Your child can change his
behavior by watching other people do it and evaluating the consequences for
them.
Imagine possible scenarios:
Discover the best educational tools to connect with your adolescent child. A
course specially designed to improve communication at home and the
motivation of your child.
Learn or increase a behavior before a model that gets rewards: think of a
small child who sees another child get what he wants from adults when he
cries or howls.
I remember the story of a friend who, at three years old, recognized being the
class bully. He had a voice so unusually powerful for his age that when he
cried, he frightened the rest of his classmates. Only for the teacher to shut up
gave her any whim she had. Today, my friend admits having used this ability
to make a profit. Sadly, other children of that same class learned their tricks
from him, distributing not a few headaches among their families. In this
example, the key is that my friend was publicly rewarded for his screams.
Decrease or eliminate a behavior in front of a punished model. As intelligent
animals, we run away from situations in which we see others get into trouble.
Imagine that your child contemplates how his classmates laugh at a boy with
glasses. It is very likely that if one day he needs them, he will resist using
them or will ask you to wear contact lenses to avoid being discriminated
against.
In both examples, there is a model that obtains some consequences of its
social group for its behaviors. The people who surround this model learn
from these consequences and try to repeat or avoid their behavior depending
on whether they are rewarded or punished.
 Chapter 36: Mastering the Secrets of Nonverbal

Whereas the key to success when it comes to both professional and personal
relationships lies in the ability to communicate correctly, it is not necessarily
the words that one uses but the body language and nonverbal cues that speak
volumes.
Hiding behind a barrier is one of the typical responses that we learn at a
tender age. We usually do this as a way of offering protection to ourselves.
As kids, it was reasonable to hide behind particular solid objects like
furniture whenever we realized that we had gotten into hot soup or
threatening situations.
As we continue to advance in age, this behavior of hiding becomes
sophisticated, as just another behavior pops in. Since hiding behind an object
was one of the prohibited behaviors, folding the arms tightly across the chest
is also another behavior that came in during threatening situations. As
teenage checks in, kids will learn how to make the gesture of crossed arms
more evident by relaxing the hands and arms just a little bit. They would also
accompany the signals with legs that are crossed.

Defensive Arms Display

The gesture of folding the arm has been upgraded to the extent where now
people try to make it even less evident to others who are seeing them. When a
single or both the arms are folded, maybe across the chest, a barrier is then
created. This is one of the ways of blocking all that might be perceived as
threats or situations that are undesirable. When arms are neatly folded across
the regions of the lungs and heart, it is a sign of protecting these very vital
organs. That shows that the behavior of crossing the arms could be inborn.
One thing that is for sure is that when a person has a defensive or nervous
attitude, there are possible chances that he will have his hands tightly on the
chest as a sign of feeling threatened.

Self-Hug
Hugging is one habit that has evolved with time. As kids grow up, their
parents or caregivers will hug them when they are in tensed or distressed
situations. As adults, there is usually an attempt to recreate these very
comforting gestures each time we get to stressful circumstances.
Apart from taking a whole arm-cross sign that could reveal to all that we are
in a fearful circumstance, there is a subtler version that women usually
substitute. A Partial Arm-Cross is a situation where a person’s single arm is
made to swing across the body to or even make contact to the remaining arm
that forms a boundary and appear like she’s hugging herself. In places or
events where a person might appear stranger to the group or does not have
the self-confidence, the use of partial arm barriers is always very rampant.
Any female taking her full place in a stressful circumstance will usually make
claims that she is just okay, which could be so untrue.
Men, on the other hand, use a partial arm barrier that is known as Holding-
Hands-With-Yourself. Men who stand right in front of a crowd to give a
speech or receive an award commonly use this. The other name for this kind
of self-hug gesture is Broken Zipper Position. The gesture gives the man a
sense of security since he will be able to safeguard his expensive items and
can also bar the consequences of getting a very unwelcome frontal blow.
It is the exact place that men take in a line at a food court or to get social
security advantages and goes ahead to reveal their vulnerable and depressed
feelings. This brings on the feeling of having another person holds your own
hands. Adolf Hitler, for instance, used this gesture so frequently as a way of
masking the sexual inadequacy that he felt as someone who just had a single
testicle. He did this in public.
It is evident that the man’s hands were shortened by evolution to enable them
to take up some of these errands and reach some places without straining.
This is due to the fact that when chimpanzees, which are our closest primate
cousins, assume the very similar situation, their hands usually cross at their
knees.

The Territorial Arm Displays

Status can also influence one to use a given arm folding gesture. A superior
kind of person can make his superiority evident by failing to fold his hands,
saying that they are not afraid of anything.
For instance, if a general manager of a firm is introduced in a company
function, he will usually stand back from them, with his hands in his back or
by his side or in a superiority position. At times, he can also put one of his
hands in his pockets, which is a sign of non-involvement. In very rare cases
will such a person fold his arms across the chest as an indication of the
tinniest sign of being nervous?
Once they have shaken hands with the boss, the new employees might also
opt to cross their aims either fully or partially because of their main
apprehension of being in the company of the highest leader of the company.
Both the company’s GM and the new workers will feel very comfortable with
their respective gesture clusters as each one of them is signaling his status
that is relative to the other.
However, things might get a different twist when the GM meets a young and
upcoming male individual who might display some superiority and even
signal that he is as important as the general manager. What happens is that
after the two have given everyone a dominant handshake, the upcoming
young officials may be forced to fold their arms as a signal with both the
thumbs folding in the upward direction.
The gesture shows two arms that are crossed and all the thumbs facing up,
indicating that the individual is in control and feeling just okay. As he
continues to speak, he will gesture with his thumbs as a means of displaying
to others that he has a self-confident kind of attitude, and the arms that are
folded still provided a sense of security.
A person who is not only feeling submissive and also very defensive will sit
in symmetrically implying that the other part of their body is the best mirror
to the other side. They will show the tone of a stressed muscle and appear
like they are sensing an attack, while someone who is dominant and
defensive will just opt to sit in an asymmetrical way, where one part of the
body does not mirror the other.

How to Spot Insecurity in the Rich and Famous

People who are usually exposed to others, such as movie stars, TV
personalities, politicians, and royalties usually don’t intend their audience to
realize that they either nervous or unsure of what they are doing or saying
when they are on the limelight. When on display, these people usually prefer
to project a controlled, calm, and cool attitude each time they are on display.
However, their apprehension or anxiety normally comes out in not so good
forms such as the crossing of arms. Like it is the case with all arm-crossing
signals, a single arm swings across the body in the direction of the other arm,
but instead of the arms getting to cross each other, one hand touches or hold
on to a watch, or a handbag on or close to their other arm. For another time,
the boundary is created, and the feeling of security is attained.
Men who wear cufflinks are usually captured fixing and adjusting them when
they cross the dance floor or a room full of people. Adjusting the cuff-links
was one of the trademarks of Prince Charles, who applied it to feel secure
each moment he walked across an open place fully aware that there are other
people who are watching them.
One would be deceived to believe that after close to a whole century of being
confronted by large crowds and scrutinized in public, royals like Prince
Charles will try to resist some of the nervous feelings that are revealed by his
small arm-crossing.
A self-conscious and anxious man will usually find himself trying to adjust
the band on his wristwatch, rubbing his hands together or checking what are
contained in their wallets. At times, they can also be seen playing with the
buttons on their cuff or even using any gestures that enable his arms to cross
in front of their body.
One of the most favorite gestures for a businessman who is insecure is
making in ways to an official event holding a folder or briefcase in front of
their bodies. To someone who has some training, these signals are just
giveaways since they achieve no definite aim as opposed to a try to hide their
nervousness. If there is a better place of observing these body signals, then it
has to be at any place where individuals walk past a large group of
bystanders. A good example would be a man who moves to the dancing
podium to look for a female dancer who can join him on the dance floor or a
person who cross the stage to go and get an award.
The use of hidden arm barriers by women is not easily noticeable as that of
men. This is because women will be able to grasp into things such as purses
or handbags if they are unsure of themselves or become self-conscious.
Princess Anne and other loyalties would usually clutch some flowery items
each time they are making inroads in public. The flowers and handbag clutch
are the favorite for Queen Elizabeth. There are very limited chances that she
would be carrying lipstick, theatre tickets, and credit cards in the purse.
Instead of that, she applies this as a kind of safety blanket when necessary
and as a way of sending out a strong message. The royal watchers have
recorded a total of twelve signs that she sends to her minders whenever she
wants to leave, go, or be taken from a conversation she does not enjoy.
There is a very usual means of creating a strong barrier is to carry up a glass
of cup with two hands. Usually, one would only need one hand to hold the
cup, but two hands will enable the insecure person to create a nearly invisible
boundary. These kinds of signals are applied nearly by everyone, and there
are some of us who are fully aware that we are applying them.
 Chapter 37: Our Bodies and the Way They Talk

Body language is nonverbal communication that requires physical gestures as

opposed to words, to express or convey the information. Such gestures
include the facial expressions, the body posture, the eye movements,
gestures, touch and the use of spaces.
Body language should not be mistaken for sign language, as sign languages
are full languages like spoken languages with their own grammar rudiments,
Body language, on the other hand, does not have a grammar system and it has
to be understood broadly, instead of having a meaning already attached to it
like other languages. So, it cannot really be termed a language unlike the sign
language and is simply termed as a "language".
Body language helps with understanding people well; you'd know if the
person really enjoys your conversation, you'd know if someone is telling a
lie. Body language tells you what the person isn't really telling you.
Learning to read the nonverbal verbal signs people send is a very valuable
skill. From eye movements to the level of proximity, body language reveals
what a person is really thinking and not saying. Whether in an organization or
out with colleagues, the body language of the people around you speaks loud
volumes.
Body language can tell us a lot of unspoken information about the people we
encounter in our lives. It can tell us, for example, when they’re
uncomfortable, when they’re lying, or when they’re a dominant personality.
More than three-quarters of what we communicate to one another is non-
verbal and a lot of this has to do with the way we use our bodies while we’re
communicating. Observing the body language of other people may seem
demanding, but it’s a crucial component of understanding other people, their
motivations and their intentions. What people say may completely contradict
what their body language is saying and that’s a clue you need to be able to
read. If what’s coming out of someone’s mouth isn’t the whole truth, what
other measure do you have to get to the bottom of what they’re trying to say?
Your body language will need transformation if you wish to overcome your
anxiety. This will not come easily as you will have to practice regularly
through the small conversations you enter into. When talking to people, try to
make eye contact. Speak loudly for people to hear you clearly. If possible
give hugs and shake hands. Working on your body language will boost your
confidence in great ways.
Dealing with negative emotions is not as challenging as you might have
assumed. It all boils down to what you think about. As part of making sure
that you live a productive life, always ensure that you associate yourself with
the right people. The influence you get from them will have a huge impact on
your life. Similarly, you need to find a way out of stressful situations. Go to
the gym and workout. Give your body and opportunity of releasing
endorphins to help you feel good. Inviting positive vibes your way is an ideal
way of banishing negative feelings.
How to tell when someone is saying the truth
A longer and more detailed story
A liar would likely give a shorter version of the event, to avoids questions
they can't answer thrown at them. So, to know if the person is telling the
truth, the story will be detailed and longer.
They take the blame
While liars tend to make excuses and put the blame on people or external
forces, but a person telling the truth is less likely to do so. Listen to the
person you are talking to, is the constantly blaming someone or external
forces as a cause of his predicament?
If the person didn't touch their nose at all, take this as a good sign.
They are not sweating and out of breath when talking
Liars tend to sweat a lot when lying, and have troubles catching their breaths.
If a person isn't sweating and not trying hard to breathe (minus health issues)
the person might be telling the truth.
They are not trying to sound so convincing
If a person is lying, the person would try his or her best to sell the lie to you
and not have you find out that it is all a lie. So, words like "that are how it is
right?" or "you've witnessed it". Words that make it feel like the person is
pushing his or her story to you are a sure sign the person is telling a lie. They
do this to get affirmation that you bought the lie.
Positive Bodily Gestures: Open Palms, Leaning Forward, Speed and Tone of
Voice Leaning Forward
Proximity is the distance between you and a person. Pay close attention to
how close someone sits next to you to determine if they like you or are
enjoying your company. Sitting near someone is perhaps one of the best
indicators of a good relationship. You can tell a lot about the type of
relationship two people have just by observing the distance between them.
The tone, volume, pitch, and emphasis of a person's voice can help you
decode the hints that can help you tell what they are feeling. For example, if
you notice plenty of consistencies in the tone of their voice as they speak,
they are probably very happy and excited.
The tone in which an individual ends their sentence says a lot about what
they are trying to convey even with similar verbal clues. For example, if a
person completes their sentence on a raised note, they are doubtful of
something or are asking a question. Similarly, if they finish the sentence with
a flat tone, they are pronouncing a statement or judgment. Watch out for how
people end their sentences to get a clue about their inner feelings.
Again, the words people emphasize can help you uncover their true feelings.
For example, if a person says, “Have you borrowed the blazer?” while
emphasizing ‘borrowed,’ it indicates their doubt over whether you have
borrowed, stolen, or done something else to the blazer. However, if the
emphasis is on ‘you,’ they aren’t sure if it is you or someone else who has
borrowed the blazer.
I also like to look at pauses between phrases to know about the person's
attitude, emotions, and intentions. For example, if a person pauses after
saying something, it could be because what they just said is extremely
important to them, or they truly believe in it. Sometimes, a person pauses to
seek validation or feedback from others. The speaker wants to gauge your
reaction to what they said since it is important for them.

Crossed Limbs
Crossed limbs are signals of people creating a subconscious barrier. They are
emotionally closed, suspicious, or do not subscribe to your ideas. They aren’t
open to listening to your views or are disinterested in the topic of
conversation. You may have to emotionally open the person up a bit by
changing the topic and then get back to the original topic. The physical act of
uncrossing their limbs will make them more subconsciously receptive to your
ideas.

Feet Turned Away

The direction of a person’s feet can also determine what’s going on in their
mind. Since feet aren’t the first thing on anyone’s mind, it’s harder to
manipulate body language related to legs and feet. If a person’s feet are
pointing away from you, they are subconsciously signaling their need to
escape.
 Chapter 38: Verbal Vs. Nonverbal

Imagine that you are trying to send an important message to someone. How
should you go about delivering it? It is difficult to know how best to convey a
message to someone else, especially if you find that you will need to convey
some sort of bad news to the other party. When that happens, your best
interest is often in making sure that there is no miscommunication, meaning
that you want to be there in person.
Think about when the police are tasked with delivering the bad news of
informing someone that their loved one has been found dead—they go in
person. This is to make sure that the message is heard while also ensuring
that there is no miscommunication.
When you communicate in any other way than physically with someone else,
you run the risk of miscommunication simply because so much is conveyed
through nonverbal cues. This means that if you were to send an email with
just the words in front of you, the message may be taken drastically
differently than it would have been if you had chosen to say it in person.
As social creatures, you have to communicate regularly with other people,
and you do so, almost all of the time. Even not doing or saying anything is
communicating something to someone else. The problem is, most of the time,
we tend to ignore or disregard nonverbal communication, simply because so
much of it is interpreted unconsciously. You may not be aware of it, but you
are constantly cueing into how other people speak to you, approach you, or
even look at you.
Communication is so intrinsic to our ability to relate to other people, and yet
most people do not understand the effort that goes into it. People do not
realize or recognize how intricate the art of communication is, and they
simply take it for granted. That means, then, that they also have a tendency to
miss out on important cues that would otherwise help immensely when it
comes to understanding and interacting with others.
Within this chapter, you will be provided with a crash-course into
understanding communication. In particular, we will take a look at the
differences between verbal and nonverbal communication, allowing you to
begin to understand the difference between the two. You will see an overview
of each of the types of communication and what they entail. For example,
you will learn what is meant when someone refers to vocalics versus verbal
communication—there is a difference between the two.
As you read this, you will be given all of the pertinent information you will
need to proceed with learning to read and understand body language. This
will provide you with far more insight than you otherwise would have
developed if you had simply been given a list of which actions mean what.
This is imperative if you want to have a solid understanding of people and
how communication truly works.

Communication
Communication, when simplified, is the idea that two people or beings are
able to convey messages to one another in order to share thoughts or ideas.
However, there is so much more that goes into communication than simply
assuming that if you say one word, I understand it. There are seven stages to
communication with an eighth element interfering with the entire process.
Within this section, you will be guided through understanding the eight
elements of communication.
The sender
The sender is the individual that is conveying a message. This is the original
source of the communication that is being sent. The sender is the one who
decides what it is that they want to communicate to the other party. The
sender may feel the desire to communicate with the other party and needs to
figure out how best to go about the process.
For example, imagine that your friend has come to your house and has
brought a delicious cake. You took a bite and really enjoyed it. You now
have a desire to communicate with your friend. This makes you the sender.

The message
With the desire to send a message in mind, you now must figure out what the
message that you wish to convey is. Perhaps you have a deep-seated feeling
of joy after taking a bite of that cake, feeling entirely satisfied. You decide
that you wish to convey that satisfaction to your friend in order to make sure
that they know that you truly appreciated the deliciousness of the cake that
they provided for you.

Encoding the message

With your message in mind, you now must figure out how best to convey that
message. This is where encoding the message comes into play. You must
look at the situation and your receiver in order to figure out exactly how you
should be communicating. Can you communicate it in words? Will you be
able to use a verbal language? Which language is the most effective here? If
you speak English and Spanish, but your friend that made the cake only
speaks English, you likely would not choose Spanish as your language of
choice to convey that message. You want to ensure that your language is
encoded in a way that will be understood by the receiver, no matter how you
may choose to channel the message. Here, you decide that your message is,
“I really like this cake!”

Channeling the message

With your message chosen, you must now figure out how best to channel the
message. This is determining how you are sending the message. Is it told
face-to-face? Are you sending a text message? Perhaps you will write a note.
Are you saying it out loud, or handing a quick note? No matter how you
choose to convey it, what you are sending is the message of, “I really like this
cake!”

The receiver
With the message channeled, it should now be provided for your receiver.
This means that the other person has, in fact, received the message and will
now be responsible for the other half of the communication process.

Decoding the message

Upon receiving the message, the receiver must figure out how to decode it.
This means that the receiver must figure out what was meant to be conveyed.
They are able to understand the message so they can respond accordingly. At
this point, your friend hears your message and processes the channeled
message. This is the stage where your friend understands that you liked the
cake and is happy himself.

Feedback
After understanding the message, the receiver then responds to it somehow,
marking the beginning of the process all over again. This means that the
communication process functions largely as a cycle, in which people convey
messages, have them understood, and then have the messages responded to in
a constant back and forth exchange until the communication session is over.

Noise
Finally, noise refers to anything that will interfere with the communication
session. For example, you may have literal loud noises interfering, making
communication impossible between yourself and the other party. There may
be bad weather that is making your phone reception spotty, meaning the
phone call continuously drops on you. You may try to send a message via
text-to-speak technology on your phone and have it completely bungle the
message. You may have an incredibly thick accent that makes you difficult to
understand. All of these are examples of noise that would interfere with your
communication.
The example given above was an example of verbal communication.
However, the same order follows for nonverbal communication. Think about
a dog wagging its tail. The dog is the sender. It has a feeling of being happy
and then figures out how best to communicate that message. The dog then
wags its tail to communicate to others that it is happy, who then receives the
message, and acknowledge that the dog is, in fact, happy. Of course, when it
is nonverbal communication, it is not usually quite as intentional
consciously.

Verbal Communication
We will first address verbal communication. When you are using verbal
language, you are using the use of words or sounds in order to express a
message in some way. Perhaps the most notable feature of verbal
communication is that it is largely arbitrary and requires learning in order to
truly understand it. Verbal communication, then, is learned and specific to
certain groups. This is exemplified by the fact that humans have several
different languages that are rather clustered based on geography. People
within one geographic language tend to speak the same language as each
other, though there are always exceptions.
Verbal communication is any form of communication that relies on words—
arbitrary sounds meant to define or convey a very specific idea. For example,
in English, we may say that a cat is a cat. The process of making the word cat
tells anyone else that speaks English that you are referring to a small, fuzzy,
four-legged feline with whiskers and a tail that is commonly kept as a house
pet. If you were to say cat to someone who does not understand a word of
English, such as someone who speaks Spanish, they would not understand
what you meant by the word, “Cat.” However, if you pointed at a cat, they
would probably say the word, “Gato,” in response, while someone who spoke
French may say, “Chat,” and someone who spoke German would say,
“Katze.”
At the end of the day, cat, gato, chat, and Katze all refer to that quadrupedal,
fluffy feline with the long tail and whiskers. They all share that common
meaning, though they are all said entirely differently from one another. This
is because they are all speaking different languages.
Verbal communication is not limited solely to the words that you speak,
either—it also encompasses written communication, as you are still using
arbitrary symbols to represent a concept that you would not be able to clearly
define otherwise. Along with written language, you may also see sign
language. Though commonly lumped into nonverbal communication due to a
lack of using the voice and relying on gestures, sign language still classifies
as verbal simply because it is still making use of arbitrary signs and symbols
that are meant to represent a concept that would not be innately understood
by those around you if they did not have prior knowledge of the language.

Nonverbal Communication
Nonverbal communication, on the other hand, is far more innate. For the
most part, nonverbal communication is largely understood across borders.
There are always certain aspects of nonverbal communication that are
cultural, such as avoiding eye contact in the United States are deemed as rude
while other cultures would deem you rude for making eye contact in the first
place.
When you are communicating nonverbally, you are focusing on how to
interact with someone else without words. Think about a smile—no matter
the culture you are from, you should be able to understand that a smile is a
sign of kindness or happiness, no matter where you were from.
In particular, nonverbal communication is commonly broken down into five
categories that define different aspects: Kinesics, oculesics, haptics,
proxemics, and vocalics. All of these will convey a certain message without
the use of any words.
 Chapter 39: Truth and Relationships

Fact is that only 54% of the lies can be spotted in an accurate manner.
Research has also proved that extroverts tell more lies when compared to the
introverts and not less than 82% of the lies usually go without being
detected.
However, the good news is that people can also improve their abilities for lie
detection, maximizing to close to 90% accuracy. The big question here is
how to detect that someone is lying. One of the initial steps in this whole
process is getting with how someone typically acts, especially when they are
speaking.
Basically, this is the process of coming up with known as a baseline. A
baseline is essentially how a person acts when they are under non-threatening
and just normal conditions. According to the Science of People website, it is
basically how a person appears when they are saying the truth. To make it
clearer, it might be a bit difficult to tell when a person is not speaking the fact
if you are not sure of how they usually act when saying the truth, which, to a
wider extent, makes a lot of sense.
However, the techniques that are used to determine if someone is lying can
be very confusing. As a matter of fact, these strategies can even be very
conflicting. Due to that, it is important to think twice before making an
accusation, ensure that you feel more than once about doing it unless it is
important to go ahead and find out what happened.
Here are some of the telltale signs that someone is not telling the truth:

The Behavioral Delay or Pause

It begins when you ask someone a question, and you get no reply initially.
The person then begins to respond after some delay. There is one big
question that should be asked here; how long should the delay extend before
it becomes meaningful before it can be regarded as a deceptive sign? It,
however, depends on a few factors. You can try this particular exercise on a
friend, and ask a question like this, “What were you doing on a day like this
six years ago.
After asking that question, you will notice that the person will take an
invariable pause before answering the question. This is because it is not a
type of question that naturally evokes a fast and immediate answer. Even as
the person takes time to think about the question, he might still not be able to
give a meaningful response. The next question to ask would be this,” Did you
rob a cloth shop on this day six years ago?” if they make a pause before
giving you the answer you need, then it would be very important to pick the
kind of friends you have wisely.
In most cases, there will be no pause, and the person is likely to respond by
just saying no and letting the story die.
This is a simple test that tends to drive home the point that the delays should
usually be considered out of the church of God. In the context of whether; it
is appropriate for the question at hand.

The Verbal or non-verbal disconnect

The human brains have been wired in a manner that causes both the
nonverbal and the verbal behaviors to match up in a natural manner. So, each
time, there is a disconnect, it is usually regarded as a very important
deceptive indicator. A very common verbal or nonverbal disconnect that you
should look out for will occur when someone nods affirmatively while giving
a “No” answer. It might also occur when a person moves his head from one
end to the other when giving a “Yes” answer.
If you were to carry out that mismatch, as an example, to offer a response to a
question, then you will realize that you will have to force yourself through
the motion that you have. But despite all that, someone who is deceptive will
still do it without even giving it a second thought.
There are a number of caveats that have been connected to this type of
indicator. First of all, this type of indicator is not applicable in a short phrase
or one-word response. Instead, it is only suitable in a narrative response. For
instance, consider that a human head might make a quick nodding motion
when a person says “No.” That is just a simple emphasis and not a
disconnect. Second, it is also very important not to forget that a nodding
motion does not necessarily mean “Yes’ in certain cultures. In such cultures,
a side-to-side head motion also does not imply that the person is saying
“No.”
Hiding the Eyes or the Mouth
Deceptive people will always hide their eyes or mouth when they are not
saying the truth. There is a tendency to desire to cover over a given lie, so if
the hand of a person moves in front of their mouth while they are making a
response to a given question, which becomes significant.
In a similar instance, hiding the eyes can be an inclination to shield a person
from the outlast of those they could be lying to. If an individual shield or
covers their eyes when they are responding to a question, what they could
also be showing, on the level of subconscious, is that they can't bear to see
the reaction to the lie they are saying. In most cases, this kind of eye
shielding could be done using the hand, or the person could as well decide to
close the eyes. Blinking is not in the picture here, but when a person closes
their eyes while making a response to a question that doesn’t need reflection
to answer, which can be considered as a way of hiding the eyes, hence
becoming a possible deceptive indicator.

Swallowing or Throat Clearing

If a person loudly swallows saliva or clears the throat before answering a
given question, then there is a problem somewhere. However, if any of these
actions are performed after they have answered the question, then there is
nothing to worry about. But when it happens before answering a question,
then there are some things that should be analyzed.
The person could be doing the nonverbal equivalent of the following verbal
statements,” I swear to God…” This is one of the ways of dressing the lie in
the best attires before presenting it. Looking at it from the physiological point
of view, the question might have created a type of anxiety spike, which can
as well as cause dryness and discomfort in the throat and mouth.

The Hand-to-Face Actions

The other way of determining if someone is saying a lie is to check what they
do with their faces or in the head region each time they are asked a question.
Usually, this would take the form of licking or biting the lips or even pulling
the ears or lips together. The main reason behind this reflects one of the
simple science questions that are usually discussed in high school. When you
have someone a question, and you notice that it creates a kind of spike in
anxiety, what you should remember is that the right response will be
damaging. In return, that will activate the autonomic nervous system to get to
business and try to dissipate the anxiety, which might appear to drain a lot of
blood from the surface of the extremities, ears, and the face. The effects of
this could be a sensation of itchiness or cold. Without the person even
realizing it, his hands will be drawn to the mentioned areas, and there could
be rubbing or wringing of the hands. And just like that, you might have
spotted a deceptive indicator.
 Chapter 40: Vulnerability Cues

One thing that we need to take a look at when we are analyzing someone is
how comfortable they are with us. If they are comfortable, their stance is
going to be more relaxed. They will offer us more information about
themselves; have more open expressions, and so much more.
But when someone is feeling uncomfortable with you, then this is going to
spell out some trouble for you as well. This is going to make it harder for you
to talk with them. They may even inch away from you in the hopes of ending
the conversation before you have a chance to get to know them.
So, one of the first things you need to explore is whether or not someone is
comfortable or uncomfortable around you. As soon as you notice that
someone is uncomfortable with the situation or with you in particular, you
can start to take the proper steps to get them at ease and feeling better.
Now, how do you make sure that you can meet up with someone and ensure
that they are as comfortable with you as possible? Some of the signs that you
should watch out for to tell if someone is uncomfortable with you or in that
situation will include:

The Flinch or Wince

When we find ourselves in an awkward situation, it is never fun, and it is
going to cause people to wince literally. When someone is feeling
uncomfortable, but they don’t want to let others know, they may wince or
flinch a bit. This is going to be a quick contraction of the torso away from
you. And the wince is going to be like they stubbed their toe, or got a paper
cut. They often don’t realize they are doing it, or they don’t want you to
know about it because they are polite. But, if you do pick up on this with the
other person, take note of what is causing that reaction.

They Back Away From You

When someone feels uncomfortable, it is possible that they will take a step
back from you without realizing what they are doing. If they aren’t able to
move away from you or the situation, then they will see how much they can
close off of themselves. This can include turning away, crossing the arms and
legs, and retreating in the torso.
This process is known as blocking body language. This is something we can
do without thinking about it as a way to protect ourselves. If you are with
another person and notice that they are doing these actions, it may be a good
idea to respect their personal space (remember that each person has a
different idea of what their own space is and how large it is), consider taking
a step back, and allow them the space they need to get comfortable.

Their Words and Gestures Get Faster

Any time you are around another person who is not feeling that comfortable,
they may have a sense of fight or flight. And in this situation, they are going
to start moving their arms wildly. And in some cases, they are going to start
talking faster. This is because the person feels that their breath and the beat of
their heart go faster. When this happens, it is going to include their speech
and gestures accelerating because it allows them to get the conversation done
with.

Their Laughter is Nervous

Nervous laughter is another thing that we need to take a look for when we are
trying to figure out how comfortable someone is around us. We have all
heard the difference between real laughter and nervous laughter. This nervous
laughter is often going to erupt, and it is a way for us to release some of the
tension that is found inside. This is why they may giggle or laugh at things
that would seem odd to another person.

The Tone of Their Voice Changes

One of the first things that we are going to notice when we are talking to
someone nervous around us is the tone of their voice. We can notice this if
we know the person from before, and we know what the usual tone of their
voice is, but we can also see this with someone we have never talked to in the
past.
When someone is nervous, it is sometimes going to appear in a loud and
squeaky voice. This is because we have an increased amount of stress
because of that situation. The voice is often going to rise in pitch, and it is
going to sound more shrill than before. As the stress rises in the individual,
the tension will rise, and this causes some issues with the vocal cords.

They Have Trouble Maintaining Their Eye Contact

If someone is comfortable with you and doesn’t mind spending some time
talking with you, then they will have no problem talking to you and
maintaining good eye contact. But when someone keeps looking at their
watch, glancing over their shoulder, or seeming like they can look
everywhere besides at you, then this is a good sign that the person is not
enjoying the conversation.
This one often needs a few more signs to go along with it. It could mean that
they are not interested in the conversation. It could mean that you are
dominating the situation and the conversation, or it could mean that there is
something with you or the conversation or the situation around you that is
making the person feel uncomfortable.
When this does happen, it is an excellent time to pause for a moment and take
a break from the conversation. You can stop talking and then ask the other
person what they think or what views they hold on the subject. Then, give
them some time to talk to you without interrupting. The answer that they
provide will help you to know if this is a conversation that the person is
interested in continuing, or if it is something that you need to stop and move
on with.

The Answers They Give are Only One or Two

Words Long
If someone is comfortable with you and is enjoying the conversation, then
their words are just going to flow out of them. This is true even if you and the
other person have just met each other. But, if you get into a conversation with
someone and you find that they are only giving one-word answers, then this
is a sign that they aren’t interested in the conversation, that they are
distracted, or that they are shy and don’t know how to make the conversation
go more.
This may take a bit more work to get the person to open up and talk with you
a bit more. If the person is shy, then you need to change your tactics to get
them to be more comfortable and get them to open up a little bit more. For
example, make sure that you show interest in them, and see if it helps only to
ask questions that need a more detailed answer, rather than ones that can be
answered with yes or no.

Their Ears Get Red, or They Scratch Their Nose

These are signs that someone is not that comfortable in the situation, but they
are more subtle signs that are easy to miss out on or assume are not that
important at all. When these show up though, you know for sure that the
other person is not feeling at ease in the situation and that you need to
approach them differently.
If you are talking to someone who seems to blush when they feel
embarrassed or nervous, then you already have a good idea that having a red
face is a big sign of someone not being comfortable with the situation. But
some people are going to blush in a less obvious manner. This means that you
need to watch out for places other than the face that starts to get red. You
want to watch the ears in particular because this is an early sign that the other
person is feeling out of place.
In addition to watching the color of the ears of the other person you are
talking to, it is also a good idea to watch the other person and how often they
are scratching their nose. If they only do this once in the whole conversation,
then this is not a big deal. But if you see them doing this all of the time, then
this is a good sign that they are feeling nervous, and that you may need to
lighten up the conversation and help them feel more at ease.
One thing that a lot of people don’t realize is that an increased amount of
blood flow to the face is going to cause the nose to feel itchy. The nose is
going to have a ton of blood vessels in it. And when we are under stress,
which is something that can happen when we feel nervous or like we don’t
belong, it is possible for the flow of the blood to increase, and a lot of that is
going to end up in the blood vessels of the nose. This causes it to itch and can
be a sign that there is some uneasiness going on.
As you can see from this, along with some of the other topics that we will
explore in this guidebook, body language is going to do a lot to tell us on
what the other person thinks, and how they are feeling. It even helps us to
know if someone is feeling a bit uncomfortable around us or not.
If you find that you are the one who is the source, although sometimes, it
could be another person, the situation, or something else, then you may find
that giving someone a bit of space and offering up a quick apology for it can
help them to relax. Saying something like, “I’m sorry if I’m a bit much. I get
onto a topic and get so excited that I overdo it. I would love to hear your
opinion on XYZ!” This helps to let the other person know that you are not
trying to make them feel uncomfortable, and can get things back on track for
you.
 Conclusion

Analyzing people is very essential because people interact for different

reasons. They communicate and behave in certain ways for purposes that
may not be very apparent. Patterns of communication and behavior may also
either reveal or conceal deeper mental and perceptive mindsets that bear the
actual message of communication. For that reason, it is vital for people to
learn how to unveil the deeper mental patterns that are concealed and assign
them meaning. This is ordered to gain the best understanding of people,
phenomena, and actions of others towards.
Thanks for reading this book. A great deal of our emotions is expressed
through our arms and hands. The warm embrace of a touch indicates love
while a sharp slap translates to anger. Much of our productivity depends on
the accuracy of our arms and hands when completing tasks. The movements
of the arms and hands are quite obvious as they are used as a complement to
verbal expression. Let’s consider a few subliminal signals we receive from
analyzing the hands and arms.
As our arms expand, we typically appear larger than our normal demeanor.
This could be used as a descriptive means to explain how massive a person or
object is, or this could be a subtle sign of instigating aggression or
dominance. It also indicates spatial awareness. A person could expand the
arms to give the subtle signal that they prefer space. It could be likened to
“marking their territory.” On the contrary, when the arms expand but curve
towards the person, this is reminiscent of a hug. This embrace indicates
safety or protection. Many mother figures are seen welcoming their children
in this manner.
Since we primarily use our hands and arms to gesture, they are extremely
descriptive tools that express our emotions. When the arms are raised, this is
a sign of frustration and overwhelming doubt. We can almost envision an
overwhelmed person clenching their hands over their ears or on top of the
head as a means of protection.
We can picture a frustrated mother or father crossing their arms towards their
child when they do something naughty. However, when the arms are tightly
crossed with the hands either balled into fists or nestled in the armpits, this
signals combat. This occurs when an individual has been taunted. Their anger
is essentially holding their arms inward as a protective means. The hidden
fists could signal the person holding themselves back from doing something
they would regret.
Individuals who have been exposed to violence or who feel vulnerable may
have a strong dislike for people speaking to them with their hands in their
faces. Even a slight gesture could signal a fight or flight response. When the
arms are thrusting forward, this is a scare tactic usually intended to create
emphasis. We fight with our arms and hands, so the connection between the
two is threatening.
When the arms are positioned behind the backs and out of sight of the person
they are engaging with, this indicates hidden intent. The person may lack
confidence, or they are attempting to hide their fear through fiddling with
their hands behind their backs. This isn’t necessarily a sign of a liar. Rather,
the person may simply feel uncomfortable, or they are preventing themselves
from saying something.
The elbows, when facing out, could be a silent cry for space. A person may
want others to back away from them without having to actually verbally
express their disposition. This can easily be observed through the actions of
children. Toddlers, who cannot communicate verbally, will often extend
their elbows in a sharp motion in order to indicate space. As adults, we do
this subconsciously as a means of inner protection.
The hands are quite detailed in their means of communication. One move of
the hand can indicate an invitation while another movement could ignite
conflict. When the hands are crossed with the thumbs tucked under, this is a
signal of peace. East Indian gurus can be seen holding their hands in this way
to express giving, peaceful natures. They wish to extend this light to others
through their physical movements. When the hands are placed in front of the
belly button, with the fingers touching and open palms, this is a symbol of
dignity. The person is trying to show their partner that they are confident,
professional, and conscientious.
The hands are also key indicators of direction. We use our fingers to point
towards areas of interest. When the hands are placed delicately on the knees
with the palms down, this could indicate submission, especially when leaning
towards the opposite person. Women usually engage in this stance while
attempting to show interest in a flirtatious manner. Hand gestures can also
indicate movement. When the palm is facing a person, this translates to
dismissal and disapproval. The person is using their hands to physically block
the other person from their sight.
When the hands are touching parts of the face, this could translate to
brainstorming, boredom, or even decision making. When the palms are
essentially holding the face and cheeks upward, this is a clear indicator of a
person attempting to wake themselves up from a boring situation. It shows
disinterest in the most obvious of ways. However, when the index finger is
pointing towards certain areas of the face, a person could be deep in thought.
The positioning of the fingers as well as the firmness of their grasp is
telling.
Excessive shaking that permeates throughout the palms and into the fingers
occurs during high stress situations. A person may be so nervous; their hands
begin to shake uncontrollably. This also is a sign of intense hunger. The
hands and fingers begin to grow unsteady, thus displaying the body's lack of
food. Slight trembles can also occur when a person is being caught in a lie or
confronted for a mistake. They may be so angry that the shakes are their way
of expressing that anger.
We use our hands to describe the size and stature of certain things. Much like
the arms, they are used to accentuate the gravity of a story, describe the
weightiness of a subject, and even demonstrate movement. They are our
primary way of gesturing, and they can add great excitement to a story or a
conversation. When working together with the arms, the hands can be a great
indicator of a person’s confidence. Touching creates a sense of warmth and
community that connects people together. When analyzed carefully, the
movement of the hands and arms can tell us key clues about a person's
disposition.
Now you know how to read people like a book. Your life will become so
much easier now that you have finished this book and learned the critical life
skill of reading other people.
You can become a better person by knowing how to read people. Reading
people allows you to develop empathy. You can tell what others are feeling
and respond accordingly. Your sensitivity will make you a more responsive
and caring lover, parent, friend, and family member.
You can also protect yourself better from the harm of people with bad
intentions. When you are able to read people, you are consequently able to
spot people that will not benefit you. Before you get too far into a
relationship of any nature with someone harmful, you can see what the
person is about and prevent further harm from happening.
When it comes to choosing a good friend or lover, you are now better able to
pick people that are good for your life. You can spot those that actually care
for you and have the capability of treating you well. You can pick lovers and
friends that have good track records.
All of these benefits are now yours. Thanks for reading
DARK NLP
By David Soul
 Chapter 41: Introduction To NLP Manipulation

The Origins of Dark NLP

To understand Dark NLP on a theoretical level, it is first necessary to
understand the ideas of NLP upon which it is based. NLP began when two
individuals, Bandler and Grinder, developed a set of ideas into human
behavior and how it could be influenced that came to be known as neuro-
linguistic programming, more commonly known as NLP. At first, the
techniques were fairly unknown, but received wider exposure through the
years through the work of superstars such as Tony Robbins and Derren
Brown. Although more people than ever before have heard of NLP, very few
know how to actually apply it.

Bandler & Grinder

Image Source: ADC – Alessandro De Concini

The basic concepts of NLP came from the modeling of human behavior
combined with linguistic principles taken from academics such as Noam
Chomsky. These two central influences are combined into a set of formal
principles into the motivations of humans and how these can be influenced
and modeled. One of the founders of NLP has summarized its area of focus
as formalizing the concepts and principles which drive human behavior.

Image Source: NLP Academy

NLP has three main areas through which its ideas are filtered - subjectivity,
consciousness and learning. NLP teaches that there is no absolute, objective
understanding of the world around us, yet instead every individual forms
their own personal picture of the world which consists of the data taken in
through the five senses as well as the language the person learns to attach to
their sensory data. It is theorized that this combination of sensory input and
descriptive language eventually leads to behaviors that are either effective
according to our subjective map of the world, or maladaptive and harmful to
our own aims and pursuits.
One area in which NLP is relatively in agreement with mainstream
psychology is its understanding of the human mind as having both a
conscious and an unconscious dimension. Much of the teaching of NLP is
predicated upon the belief that a lot of influence occurs at the subconscious
level of human thought. People are vulnerable to being manipulated in ways
they are not able to perceive.
NLP sees people as behaving according to three key aspects - the ‘what’, the
‘how’ and the ‘why’. The ‘what’ focuses on the external behavior and
physiology a person exhibits in a given situation, the ‘how’ deals with the
internal thinking patterns the person has that govern their pattern of decision
making, and the ‘why’ deals with the supporting beliefs, assumptions and
values that point a person in one direction rather than another.
If you are able to understand the aforementioned three aspects then you are
able to effectively model the complete reality of someone else’s behavior. It
should be stressed that it is the internal process that is being copied which
leads to the external behavior, rather than just crudely mimicking the external
behavior alone. Without the accompanying internal dimensions, the behavior
is likely to come off as insincere and phony.
NLP advocates going beyond passively accepting the various factors that
compromise a person’s behavior. Instead, it advocates actively exploring and
manipulating the variables at hand in order to understand the relationship
between each, and which are essential to achieve the desired result. There is a
clear contrast between the NLP model of understanding behaviors and the
traditional view. Traditionally, people acquire a new behavior by acquiring
one piece of a skill at a time, until they add up to form the entire behavior.
NLP instead focuses on doing things the opposite way, meaning the person is
initially presented with all of the components of a behavior at once, and then
proceeds to subtract various parts until they are left with only the essential
aspects.
This process of simplifying behaviors and reducing them to only their crucial
aspects is similar to business processes which aim to map out a series of steps
and identify which are essential and which are not. In this sense, the process
of refining behaviors through the application of NLP can be seen as a means
of ensuring personal efficiency.
NLP also concerns itself with the question of finding the difference between
two types of people within any given field - those that succeed and those who
do not. Success modeling seeks to find exactly what previously successful
people did in contrast from someone who failed in the same area of life. Did
they think about the problem differently? Did they perceive decisions
differently? Was there some behavioral habit that helped to make the
difference to their results?
The main outlook of NLP can therefore be summarized as identifying and
simplifying the factors that lead to success in a given situation as a simple
process model. When this model has been identified and simplified it can be
applied to gain drastic results in a short period of time. This is because the
years of experience that have lead to successful people doing things a certain
way can be quickly and painlessly adopted by anyone willing.
This above understanding of NLP is essential to understanding Dark NLP but
it is only half of the equation. Equally important is the understanding of the
dark psychological principles through which the traditional NLP outlook on
human behavior is filtered. This unique system is able to combine the
unfiltered truth of dark psychological insight with the manipulative efficiency
of NLP to make a truly unique model of understanding. So what are the main
dark psychological concepts which bear influence upon NLP?
One of the key ideas informing Dark NLP is that human beings lack any
concrete identity and are therefore susceptible to the influence of others, for
better or for worse. Traditional NLP takes this understanding of identity as
being fluid and uses it as a basis for therapists to help people overcome the
major roadblocks that are holding them back in life. According to Dark NLP,
on the other hand, this fluidity of identity means that a person can be
manipulated into behaving according to the will of others. This potential for
malicious influence is evidenced by the people who fall under the spell of
dark forces such as cults or extreme ideologies.
Dark psychology also understands that human beings are less in control of
their own will than they tend to believe. When asked, the majority of people
will report being almost entirely in control of their own thought processes,
and state that they would not obey an instruction that goes against their own
free will. One classic experiment in psychology that has directly influenced
the concepts of dark psychology shatters this misconception. In the famous
Milgram experiment, volunteers were told to administer electric shocks who
gave a wrong answer during a learning test. The majority of those being told
to administer the shocks continued to do so even when they could hear the
supposed screams of the person being punished.
 Milgram Experiment

This experiment shows that people have an inherent obedience to authority

and less free will than they tend to assume. Similarly, the famous Zimbardo
experiment offers an insight into another aspect that underpins dark
psychology, which is the willingness of human beings to assume behaviors
based upon their role in any given situation. In Zimbardo’s experiment,
participants were divided at random into either prison guards or prisoners.
Those who received the role of prison guard became increasingly willing to
carry out acts of cruelty and abuses of power as the experiment went on.

Stanford Prison Experiment (Zimbardo Experiment)

When taken together, Milgram and Zimbardo’s experiments offer the

following concepts, which are core principles behind dark psychology -
people can be easily led and behaviors can be influenced in numerous ways.
This realization is too disturbing for most people so they choose not to
believe it, despite the evidence that shows it to be true. The minority of
people who are willing to exploit these ideas are therefore uniquely situated
to take advantage of the naive masses for their own ends.
Another key idea behind dark psychology is that of ‘priming’. Priming states
that people can be influenced by a variety of factors outside of their
perception into behaving in a certain way. For example, the choice of
language that is used when speaking to a person has been shown to influence
the speed at which they move afterwards. Furthermore, words that sound
similar to other words can be used to subliminally plant ideas into a person’s
mind without them being aware that any such thing has taken place. This is
one of the techniques used by hypnotists such as Derren Brown to make
people do things without understanding why.

Image Source: nfpSynergy

Dark psychology also exploits the tendency of human beings to be

susceptible to a majority opinion, even when this influence goes against their
own rationality and perception. This was evidenced by a series of
experiments by researcher Asch, who found that subjects changed their own
ideas about when influenced by a group majority. This concept of majority
influence is often used by groups with extremist ideologies to brainwash
those they wish to influence. When a person is surrounded by people
espousing certain views and opinions, they end up not only genuinely
believing what they have heard, but feeling as if they have done so under
their own free will.

A Willingness to Accept
As the best psychological researchers will tell you, a key part of successful
research is being able to accept what the evidence shows you, rather than
seeking to confirm preconceived theories. This concept applies to your
individual pursuit of Dark NLP as well, since you have to be willing to accept
that what works, works. It may not look the way you hoped and you may not
like what it tells you about people.
The willingness to accept also extends to the times you will be required to
look at yourself and the choices you have made. There is no point in shying
away from seeing things as brutally honestly as possible. This book will
repeatedly emphasize the need to move away from judging yourself and
instead always seeking to learn from yourself. The requirement to look
inward with total honesty and accept what you see is simultaneously the
hardest and most impactful aspect of your Dark NLP progress. It is an ability
which will allow you to move through life with a solid, unflinching
grounding in reality. When you learn to avoid fearing the truth, you come to
realize that nothing in life need faze you anymore.

Find Your Reasons

No one can tell you what the process of learning, implementing and
mastering the techniques of Dark NLP will mean for you. If you have the
willpower to pay attention to the teachings of this book and interpret what
they mean for your life, then you need to have a firm motivation for acting. It
is important to approach this personal motivation from two angles - the things
in life you are moving away from, and the things in life you are moving
toward.
Some examples of the things in life you may be moving away from by using
Dark NLP include feeling powerless in social situations, frustration and lack
of options in your romantic life, feelings directionless and meandering
through life, and doubts about your ability to achieve the life of your dreams.
Some of the things you may be seeking to move towards by studying Dark
NLP include a greater sense of power, a clearer sense of your values and
drives in life, a means of figuring out the people around you and the things
that cause them to behave the way they do, and a general sense of power and
control in any situation life puts you in.
It is important to have a clear sense of the most important aspects you are
moving away from and moving toward. Having just one or the other is not
enough. There are times when you will feel more motivated by the things you
are seeking to escape, and other times when you will be more encouraged to
pursue a desired future state of affairs. By having a firm sense of both
objectives, you are helping to ensure that your motivation remains present at
all times.
There is no such thing as a worthy or unworthy aim for using Dark NLP since
whatever matters to you is sufficient. Your aims and intentions don’t have to
meet any external standard - as long as they mean something to you, they will
be sufficiently motivational to boost your chances of taking action and
succeeding in this area of life.
There is no escaping the fact that there will be tests to your resolve as you
attempt to learn, implement and improve this new skill set. You will have
times where your instinct is to retreat into your old way of doing things as it
is comfortable and familiar to you. By learning to reframe times such as these
as an inevitable and important part of your development, you will come to
embrace rather than fear them.

Kill These Illusions

In order to take on board act upon the ideas of Dark NLP, it is first essential
to rid yourself of many misconceptions and limiting beliefs you may have. A
limiting belief, in this context, is any viewpoint you have which holds you
back from applying the ideas of Dark NLP to your own life. So what are
some of the most common misconceptions you may have and how do you
overcome them?
One of the most common problems holding people back from taking a greater
amount of influence over their life is the belief that it is somehow immoral or
wrong to do so. This often stems from the environment in which a person has
grown up. If you have grown up in a home where things are done very
passively, and being assertive is frowned upon, you may initially find it
difficult to begin taking a greater degree of control over your own life. You
can overcome this misconception by continually reminding yourself of both
the frustrations that you are currently experiencing in life as a result of not
being assertive, and the many benefits and good feelings you will experience
after taking control of the various parts of your life where you are currently
unsatisfied.
You may also have the mistaken understanding that a person’s behavior is
equivalent to their identity. For example, you might identify yourself as a shy
person, rather than a person who is currently exhibiting shy behaviors. This
may sound like an unimportant distinction, but in reality it is anything but.
When someone makes their behaviors equivalent to their identity, it makes
the behaviors far harder to either remove or change. This is because to do so,
such a person would feel as if they were betraying their core identity. If, on
the other hand, a person is able to recognize that their behaviors do not define
them, and that by changing their behaviors they are not betraying their sense
of self, then it is easier to make radical changes within such a person’s life.
Many people also have a misconception about the value of various resources
in life. For example, many people think that money is the ultimate objective
in life, whereas it should instead be viewed as a tool that can be used to gain
other things such as freedom and security. A key understanding that people
must attain in their pursuit of Dark NLP prowess is that the only truly finite
resource is time. We can always make more money but we can never recover
even a second of our lives. For this reason, those who understand the ideas of
Dark NLP are focused on being ruthless and efficient as they understand that
time is the only thing they will never get back.
Seeing the path of your life as fixed or immovable is another common
obstacle people have when attempting to learn and apply Dark NLP. This
often stems from a belief in fate or destiny. Dark NLP, on the other hand,
states that nothing is set in stone and everything is subject to a range of
influences in life. If you believe in destiny or fate, it is important to try to
shift your understanding in favor of the view that we can change and alter the
events of our life. Without this belief, your efforts to exert influence will be
empty and ineffectual. We are unable to influence ourselves, or those around
us, until we truly believe that we are able to.
 Chapter 42: Mind control with NLP for love and
relationships

The whole point of seduction is to make someone want you. The motive is
usually to cause someone to become sexually attracted to you. Seduction is
one of the most powerful persuasion techniques because you are persuading
someone to give their entire selves to you. There are multiple seduction tips
and techniques that you can use. No matter who you are or who the person is
who you are trying to seduce, these methods will work. What is ideal about
them is that they do not require much preparation, so you can really start
using them right now.

Image Source: www.nlppowertraining.com.au

Choose the Right Person

You can seduce anyone, but you will put in less effort when you choose
wisely. Look for a person who tends to be shy and reserved. They tend to be
more vulnerable and in need of a person’s attention. When you start giving
them attention, it is easy to seduce them to take it to the next level.

Send Mixed Signals

This is a seduction technique that is as old as time. People feel challenged
when they are getting mixed signals. A challenge automatically makes a
person more interested in winning the prize, which in this case is you.

Create a Need
Make it to where the person you are trying to seduce feels like they need you.
You can make this need purely sexual or make it deeper than that. When you
create a need, it creates feeling of discontent and anxiety, both of which are
more likely to make a person keep pursuing you.

False Sense of Security

When a person feels secure with you, this automatically creates a bond. This
makes it easier to persuade them to give you what you want. This security is
false, but by the time they figure this out, you will have what you have
wanted.

Make Yourself Desirable

People do not like to lose. They do not like seeing other people with a person
they are interested in. Once you hook someone, force them to see you with
other people who also are interested in you. This creates an uneasiness that
forces them to make their move because they will fear that they will lose you.

Create Temptation
No one likes to be tempted to something and then not be able to have it. This
is true for everything from food, to career to romantic relationships. When
you tempt the person, but then stop them once they are on the edge, this
essentially drives them crazy. When a person is in this frame of mind, you
can pretty much get whatever it is that you want.

Utilize Suspense
You want to give them some attention, but not your full attention. Just like
when you create temptation, this is going to put them into a hyper-
competitive state. You are going to be the only person that they think about.
Their thoughts of you are going to filter into all elements of their lives. This
is what you want, because at this stage, you have full control.

Be Mysterious
People love mystery. It draws them in and they want to do everything that
they can to solve it. When you create mystery, you will naturally seduce
those that become curious. The key is to give some information but hold back
the juiciest details. Now, the mystery can be about anything really. However,
avoid talking about an ex since this can have the opposite effect on someone
you are trying to seduce. Other ways to add mystery include good eye
contact, putting the attention back on them when they ask questions, smiling
a lot and always speaking in a neutral tone.

Subtly Make Yourself Stand Out

You do not want it to be obvious that you are trying to get their attention.
Instead, you want it to seem like you stand out just because of who you are.
For example, women can wear red lipstick because this is not uncommon, but
it still makes you stand out. Men can have the same effect with a bright or
patterned tie. The key is to choose one small element that will make you
stand out against the crowd that is relatively natural.

Utilize Scents
Did you know that the scent of a person can be all that it takes to attract
another person? Now, all people have their own preferred scents, so it is a
good idea to get to know a bit about the person and their preferences before
you use this technique. Scent has a subconscious type of influence. It gives
people information about another person without them even realizing it, so it
is one of the subtlest and effective ways to up your seduction progress.

Be Mindful of Your Assets

Physical attraction is obviously a major element when it comes to seduction.
However, you do not want to show off all of the goods because this can have
a negative effect. For example, men with strong arms might wear a short-
sleeved shirt. This way the person they are trying to seduce can see this asset
without it being too obvious that they are trying to show off. Women might
wear a form-fitting dress that hits below the knee and covers the chest well.
In this case, you are covered, but the person you are trying to seduce can still
see your full figure.

Confuse Them
One time you see them, give them all of your attention, but the next, and only
give them partial attention. This confusion ups their thinking of you and it
makes you more mysterious and desirable. Just make sure that there is a good
balance here or else you might actually turn the other person off.

Be Bold
Once you are ready to go in for the kill, you want to be bold. You have
already hooked them at this point and they are yours to do with as you please.
So, there is no reason to wait for them to make a move. Just grab the moment
and make it known what you want.

Image Source: www.nlppowertraining.com.au

 Chapter 43: Framing and Some Commonly Used
Frames in NLP

Conversational hypnosis is a way to consciously manipulate your subject

without all the theatrics and drama of traditional hypnosis. So yes, it is yet
another covert method of manipulation in which, if done correctly, the
subject will have no awareness of the manipulation taking place.
In order to successfully deploy conversational hypnosis and use it to your
advantage, you will need to learn about a concept called framing.

What are Frames in Hypnosis?

To put it in base terms, frames are context. Frames are used every day in
casual conversation but only the skilled manipulators and dark NLP
practitioners use them to any avail. When you are talking to anyone about
anything there is a frame around that conversation – a context.
Frames usually come from a person’s personal beliefs, how they view
themselves and how they view the world. To put it another way, frames are in
fact how we view the world or a certain topic.
In hypnosis, we use these contexts to shape the thoughts and opinions of our
subjects. Frames are a way to control the conversations and their outcomes.
For example: you are having a conversation with your friend about giving
change to the homeless. Your friend says something to the effect of “I don’t
do it because they just buy booze.” To which you reply and change the frame
of the conversation by stating, “Most homeless are veterans who fought for
our country.”
By painting an occurrence (giving change to the homeless) in another light
(homeless are veterans) you have changed the frame of the conversation and
cast doubt on a person’s beliefs - a simple yet powerful way to manipulate.

Four Frames you Can Manipulate

Now that you have an idea of what a conversational frame is you can learn
about the 4 different frames. These four frames can all be used to manipulate
your subject. They consist of the preframe, maintaining frame, reframe and
the deframe.
Maintaining your frame is all about being an immovable object. Maintaining
a frame means not letting anyone else change a given frame.
If you want to keep a frame or context in a conversation and not let it be
shifted you have to give no credit to anyone else’s frame. You can do this by
maintaining intent eye contact without reacting to the words or suggestions of
the subject. Say you are ordering food with your subject and they mention
that they feel like chicken. Without skipping a beat you look them dead in the
eye and say “The turkey here is marvelous.” By not acknowledging anything
they said about chicken and giving a direct and intent statement about the
turkey you have maintained the frame on turkey being favorable.
Preframing involves careful consideration of all outcomes. If you want a
person to walk out on their boyfriend you can preframe by first thinking what
it would take for a woman to walk out on their boyfriend. Maybe the
boyfriend cheated. Preframing will make it so the subject thinks there is no
other logical explanation for their boyfriend’s behavior other than he
cheated.
Reframing involves shifting a person’s frame on a given subject altogether.
This is done by presenting an alternate view of whatever the subject is.
Bringing up positive things (true or not) about something your subject views
negatively can be an effective way to reframe.
Deframing is used when someone is challenging a frame you are trying to
impose. In it, instead of defending your frame or stance, you will answer their
challenge with a challenge to their frame. This flips the table and pts the
subject back on the defense where they ought to be.
 Frames and their role in conflict development

Image Source: Beyond Intractability

Figure 1 illustrates the roles frames and framing play in the dynamics of
conflict development. It demonstrates how a frame change (or reframing)
may cause a shift in conflict development, towards conflict management
and/or resolution. Types of frame categories are numerous and coined
differently by researchers in various fields. The categories cited in this
diagram are: substance (reframing that affects how one views the world today
or potential future states of the world), process (reframing that affects how
one interacts with others in the dispute), values (reframing that allows parties
to clarify the relationship between values and interests for both themselves
and for other parties), and phrasing (the language used by disputants to
communicate with one other).

How to Maintain your Frame in Conversational

Hypnosis
Maintaining a frame can be difficult for some people because it can mean
exuding a lot of charisma and confidence. This is why eye-contact practice is
so important because steady and intent eye-contact is one of the most
effective ways to maintain frame. When someone is not breaking their gaze
with you while speaking, that act alone puts a heavier weight on their words.
In addition to eye-contact, a self-confidence that what you are saying is the
most important truth currently being discussed helps tremendously. You
don’t have to interrupt a person when they are speaking. Let them talk and
when they are done, simply keep going on your frame as if they never said
anything.
Let’s take a look at how one might maintain their frame. In the following
example, the manipulator is “A” and the subject is “B.”
A: Nothing in this world is better than making love
B: What about family and friends?
A: Making love is what connects us to truly being human and is therefore
indispensable
B: I’m not sure if that’s true
A: Making love is the only pure thing in the world. It’s grand, it’s holy, it’s
ancient it’s godly
B: I think helping others is all of those things
A: Nothing in this world is better than making love
You see how “A” never even considered B’s assertions and did not answer
B’s question. It was almost like A was having a conversation with his or
herself. A was preoccupied with his/her belief because they had supreme
confidence in it as the most important truth. Therefore, they could not be
veered away from it.
The goal of maintaining frame is to present your frame so confidently that the
subject has no choice but to question their own beliefs in the incessant light
of your own.

How to Use Preframing in Conversational Hypnosis

Preframing is like priming a subject to bend to your will. Reframing involves
carefully considering the potential doubts and objections that a subject will
have with your own frame or will. The idea is to get their minds set on
something other than their true objections.
Say you want to get a black refrigerator for your home but you know that
your roommate wants a silver one. You can preframe your roommate by
mentioning that the silver fridge they want doesn’t have enough storage space
even if you know it does.
Bombard them with all the things they won’t be able to store in the silver
one; watermelons, whole chickens, meal prep Tupperware, soda, beer, blocks
of cheese, gallons of milk. This gets their minds on the non-existent problem
of the silver fridge not having enough storage space. Then you can implant
the idea of the black fridge. The color of the fridge is not so much of a
problem anymore now that their mind is going off on a tangent of storage
capacity rather than color.
The key to preframing is knowing what your subject’s frame is. You will
need to know what they are concerned about, what their doubts are and what
they believe to be true. Then you have to counter these beliefs and worries by
replacing them with others. The original worry or concern needs to get lost
for a bit while you implant your will.

How to Use Reframing in Conversational Hypnosis

Reframing is essentially changing a person’s mind about something. It is all
about getting a subject to see something in a different light. We can do this
by attaching new meaning to something that already has a set meaning in a
person’s mind.
The first step in reframing someone is to know exactly how they feel about a
certain topic. The next step is to either cast doubt on that belief or to present
that belief in a new light. The final step in reframing is to reinforce this new
perspective.
Let’s say for instance that your subject hates the idea of going to the dentist.
You know that they hate the dentist which is essentially the first step in
reframing but it helps to know exactly why they hate the dentist. What is it
about the dentist that makes your subject cringe? Do they have any bad past
experiences with the dentist? These are questions you may want to have
answered as they will help you reframe.
Assume that you know that the drills dentists use are why your subject
doesn’t like going. So the conversation may go something like this:
“I hate the dentist”
“You know there are a lot of people in other countries who would kill to go
to the dentist”
“I know but I can’t stand the drills”
“Most dentists use modern drills that get the job done much more quickly and
quietly and with no pain”
“I just still don’t like going”
“You know dentists these days are trained specifically to ease the tensions of
their patients. Regular dental visits are the only thing that will help you keep
your teeth healthy and good-looking too”
“That seems good”
In this example you are shedding a new light and perspective on going to the
dentist. You mention underprivileged people and modern dental techniques to
shed a new light. Then you reinforce the idea by mentioning the health and
appearance of the subject’s teeth.
After running through all the steps of reframing (being familiar with the fears
of the subject, shedding a new light on that fear and driving the point home)
the subject relents and starts to shift their thinking. The stuff about the drills
and the training may not even be true!

How to Use Deframing in Conversational Hypnosis

Deframing is getting a person to do what you want by challenging their own
frame instead of just trying to change or alter it. Like frame maintaining it
involves instilling a seed of doubt in your subject’s head but unlike frame
maintaining you use challenges instead of sheer, unwavering confidence.
Deframing can be used in conversational hypnosis especially if someone is
questioning your own frame. The first step in deframing is to not answer the
call to defend your frame. Ignore the questioning like you did when you were
working on frame maintaining.
The second step is simply to question why it is that the subject believes what
they believe. It is important to not question the reason they are challenging
you because this would be an acknowledgement of that line of questioning.
We don’t want to do that. Remember the goal is to ignore the challenge
outright so don’t even acknowledge it. Instead, go back to their base frame of
belief and challenge that.
This tactic takes some gumption and fortitude. You will have to be persistent
because the more you question their core beliefs the more they will be on the
defensive and start to question them themselves.
Let’s say you don’t recycle and your friend does. The conversation would go:
“You don’t recycle because you don’t care about the earth”
“Why is it that you recycle?”
At this point you have disregarded the subject’s invitation to debate their
accusation that you don’t care about the earth and have successfully executed
the first step in deframing.
“Because unlike you, I care about our planet”
“Do you really care about the planet?”
Here you have executed step 2. You have successfully taken yourself out of
the hot seat and put your subject on the defensive. Now they are answering
your questions instead of the other way around. Then, by asking if they
really care about the planet, you have questioned their core beliefs.
“Of course I do”
“Do you really, or do you just recycle to make it seem like you care?”
Now you have your subject on the ropes. They are answering your questions
and have completely given up on interrogating you as to why you don’t
recycle. You can go on and on with this vein of questioning until your subject
begins to question themselves. You have successfully deframed them. You
have the upper hand. You are in the driver’s seat and you have taken control
of the conversation and possibly even changed what the subject believes.
 Chapter 44: NLP applications

Neurolinguistic Programming, or NLP, is a behavioral modification method

used by psychologists, doctors, hypnotherapists, and general counselors.
Neurolinguistic programming was invented and introduced in the 1970s and
remained a popular, complementary tool to initiate positive, personal change.
Neurolinguistic programming is a psychological approach to communication
and personal development that focuses on the relationship between mind and
language, and how this link affects our body and behavior. This includes the
use of directed visualizations along with specific language practices to
facilitate positive change from within. For years, NLP reports have been
various and included everything from improved memory and concentration,
weight loss, deception detecting, and reduced anxiety. A few experiments
have been effective in supporting these arguments, indicating that the NLP
may be a valuable complementary solution for some individuals.

Image Source: XENONSTACK

 It encourages comprehension
Training can be challenging, so getting frustrated will make it even harder.
One study found that NLP may help improve self-esteem in children with
dyslexia by helping to provide a deeper sense of calm and a lower level of
anxiety–possibly affecting learning capabilities. Experts conclude that further
analysis is required, particularly for those with ADD / ADHD.

Helps you get through the bad habits

One of the best ways to get rid of a bad habit is to replace it with a new, good
habit. The NLP was one of the most sought-after ways of helping people do
just that. Because NLP has no risk of side effects, it's a great tool that anyone
can have in their arsenal to fight bad behaviors like junk food or put off
exercise.
Throughout psychology, the name of the Shadow (based on Carl Jung's
theories) is granted to the dimension of our own existence. This Shadow is
our dark impulses, our so-called "dark side "-a hidden part of our self that we
usually do not want to show to ourselves. We may not be aware of this
aspect-we may even be afraid to confront it. But it's better to embrace our
dark side for the following benefits.
You can use your creativity and imagination to understand the disowned aspect of your
own personality — certain activities to explore the Shadow focus on drawing, mind
mapping, and the like. Creating connections with our artistic side will strengthen our link
to the hidden part within all of us.
You can heal any relationship with regard to having more honest self-examination and a
direct kind of communication. Since certain relationships are damaged by hidden
grudges, the more we see what we hide, the more we can understand those relationships
that are simply broken or ended without any apparent reason.
You should understand what you are "projecting" to others, which then influences some
of our views about other individuals. We all tend to see what we expect from ourselves
in others. So instead of actually understanding the other, we make "theories" about what
the other is like, based on what we know from us. Nearly immediately, one would tend to
think and say, "What am I supposed to do if I was him or her?" This is a really good
question if one is mindful that he or she is thinking, and does not use consideration to
evaluate someone's behavior or feelings rashly.
You will get to be released from the guilt and shame that comes from our negative
feelings and, of course, our bad actions. Indeed, we can see why there is a real
psychological benefit to the Catholic practice of confession. In all possible good aspects,
we need to discuss our battle with our evil urges to be safe from them.
You should defuse those negative emotions that come as shocking as you go about your
 daily routine. We need to be reconciled with negative events and circumstances that
suddenly hopeless us.
At the end of the day, you can achieve true self-acceptance, a complete kind of self-
knowledge-of who you are, and who you can be.

How Well Do You Recognize About Your Dark Side

We all have a dark side-a shadow in terms of Jungian psychology. This
aspect of self has the dark impulses, the hurtful inclination within us. It's a
good thing to know this hidden part of the self. So here are the symptoms, if
you really know your dark side well.
❖ You know how your criticisms, judgments, and anger towards others reflect your own
weaknesses. The psychological defense process called projection, in fact, affects how we speak
of others. Often we assign to them qualities that are, in reality, our own weaknesses.
❖ You realize that there is sorrow, misery, and suffering in the world. Recognizing the bad
around us will help us to understand that there is darkness inside us as well.
❖ You recognize that sometimes your words or actions can convey fear and anxiety. Fear and
anxiety are certain emotions that are conveyed either by the body or by terms such as when the
pulse is racing up.
❖ You recognize that sometimes your words or actions that convey jealousy and envy. Jealousy
and envy are rooted in selfishness, a selfishness that is hard to root out.
❖ You realize there are moments that the words or actions reflect arrogance and corruption.
Covetousness and greed stem from our attachment to the material and temporal things of this
world.
❖ You know that there are times when your words express contempt and disdain. Contempt and
hate for others are born out of rage and hatred-fruits of not being able to handle resentment in a
positive way.
❖ You are well conscious of your fears and anxieties.
❖ You know your feelings of jealousy and envy.
❖ You know your feelings of greed.
❖ You're aware of your feelings of anger. Being aware of this kind of feeling can make you
understand certain actions (including saying something) that you find involuntary. Often, we
don't intend hurting people, but deep down, these emotions are still there, and unintentionally,
we hurt people. It is best to be aware of these negative feelings and then treats them through
psychotherapy.
Understanding the dark side encourages and empowers you to make such
life-changing changes. You can now learn what sets you off, and you can
start adapting accordingly. You should steer clear of risk and other
attractions. Of note, pressure does not disappear completely, but you are no
longer unprepared to deal with certain circumstances.
 Chapter 45: NLP Exercises

There are many different ways that you can get people to follow your lead, to
submit to you, or simply to sympathize with your cause and your feelings.
Although there are many ways to force someone’s hand by using much more
direct tactics, there are numerous ways you can get someone on your side
simply by being a kind person or by persuading them. One of the best tools
that is always at your disposal is the understanding of social cues and body
language. If you’re neurotypical, meaning you don’t fall on the autism
spectrum in any capacity, you probably have at least some basic foundation
of what different social cues mean, and you have an understanding of
different forms of body language from the people you’ve seen over the years
of your life. For example, we know that we’re less likely to approach
someone who is curled up and has their arms crossed than someone who has
their arms loose at their sides and physically looks more open. Even though
we were never consciously taught this and never went out of our way to learn
it, we just know it because it’s a part of basic body language that we
understand as a human. Additionally, by watching the people around us make
these signals with their bodies and by being able to connect those signals to
the emotional state of those people, we’re able to quickly pick up on this
unwritten and unspoken language and we become part of that system. We
pick up specific body language from people around us in addition to the
wider understood bits of body language such as the position of the arms and
general posture. Where we generally understand that, as a whole, people who
hunch over and keep their head down are more likely to be shy or cut off
from socializing, we might pick up on more specific body language from our
friends and family, like certain nervous tendencies. These things aren’t
genetic and we don’t inherit them, but we pick them up from unconsciously
observing these tendencies in people that we spend childhood with or that we
spend a lot of our day with. If our mother twiddled her thumbs when she was
nervous throughout most of our childhood, we’re then much more likely to be
someone who does the same thing when we’re feeling anxious.
We can apply the understanding we have of the general public and the
understanding we have of our own body language when we want to better
understand other people who we want to read. When we can read people by
their body language, we have a much better chance of understanding the kind
of person they are, and we then have a better, clearer idea of what they want
out of an endeavor they’re going into. If you’re in a meeting with a person
and you’re about to enter a period of negotiation, pay close attention to the
general look of their posture before you look more closely at anything else.
Do they appear slouched? How straight are they sitting or standing up? Are
they making direct eye contact, and how consistent is that eye contact? Are
they looking down their nose at you, or are they looking up at you? These are
the main questions to ask before you ask anything else when it comes to
determining a person’s general disposition in a conversation. If the person is
generally slouchy, they might be apathetic or depressed over something.
They also might not be taking the conversation seriously. This depends on
other parts of the way they’re holding themselves, like their chin. If they hold
their chin up, they’re generally confident people who hold themselves in high
regard. If they hold their chin lower, they might be more prone to submit to
the ideas of others and are more likely to be peacemaking and cooperative.
Based on other hints about their posture and general body position, you can
make educated guesses as to whether they’re more submissive and dominant
when it comes to negotiation. If they look as though they’ll be more
submissive, it might be more of a safe bet to play hardball with them and use
harsher tactics in order to get what you want out of them. This works
especially well if you’re able to determine if the person is generally low in
experience. If they have a lot of experience, even more than you might, in the
field of discussion and negotiation, it’s a better idea to drop out of fear tactics
or intimidation because they might be able to turn the tables on you. If
they’re more experienced than you in a subject or they’re simply much more
confident, it’s a better idea to try and get their sympathy for your perspective
instead of trying to force them to see things your way. Instead of trying to
force your views onto them, try and connect to their sense of camaraderie by
finding common ground. The way we connect to people’s empathy is one of
the keys to the hearts of anyone who you need to connect with emotionally. If
you can find anything that you and the other person/people can bond over,
you can work at them from the angle of someone who has shared in their
experiences. When you’ve shared an experience with someone, or you feel
that you have, you’re extremely likely to listen to their point of view fairly
before someone who you feel you don’t have anything in common with.
Being able to find the smallest thing you have in common with someone else,
and build on top of it until it feels like you could be friends with that person,
is one of the quickest but most pleasant ways you can get someone on your
side of an argument quickly. If you’re able to quickly look at people and
make a general but accurate judgment of their person, you have a golden
ticket into making sure you win arguments that way, get the most out of
meetings that way, and maximize your benefits in negotiations or
compromises that way. This is known by many people as being able to
“speed-read” people, or get a very fast but very accurate idea of their
personality type, their current emotional state, and how approachable they
likely are given that information. When you want to speed-read someone this
way, give their chin and body as a whole a quick once-over. Reassess their
posture and how slouched they are. Remember that more slouched means
more casual or more anxious depending on other clues you might be in on,
and more straightened means more formal or more anxious, depending on the
rest of their body. In addition to their body and posture as a whole, pay close
attention to the way they hold their arms. If they hold their arms in front of
their body whenever possible, they’re probably going on the defensive for
whatever reason they have to do so. Someone who crosses their arms and
keeps them in that position is more likely to be defensive and more
aggressive when they feel cornered. The arms are a very physical direct
window from other people to the body, so the way that an individual holds
their arms can be very telling when it comes to their confidence and their
aggressiveness or passiveness. If someone tends to cross and uncross their
arms very often, or they can’t seem to keep their arms in one stable position,
they’re more prone to be very anxious people. Movement of the arms in a
nervous tendency in general, but moving the arms around, in particular, is
telling of someone who is anxious about others and aware that people might
be watching them or observing them. Someone who normally keeps their
arms to their side; however, it less likely to be aggressive and is much more
likely to be a more socially open or friendly person. This person is more
likely to trust others easily and confide in others about important topics.
Always be careful of intentional versus “fluke” body signals when trying to
quickly read someone. Someone crossing their arms can be intentional, or it
can be a sign of casual behavior or feeling comfortable in the space. Some
people fold their arms as a sign of feeling casual, and some don’t. Always be
mindful of other signals coming from other parts of the body when you look
at smaller parts like the arms. Similarly, there are reasons besides anxiety or
apathy that someone might slouch. When you read people for their body
language, make sure you’re paying attention to all parts of their body so that
you can put together their body language like a puzzle. Someone who has
their arms folded might be leaned back, legs apart, and speaking in a calm
and casual way. In this example, the signals don’t add up to build the
narrative that this person is anxious only based on one example of small body
language. The many smaller parts of the body all work together in order to
tell a story of an emotion or feeling that someone is participating in. The
many different parts can be broken down to tell a more specific story, but
always pay attention to the entirety of the form before you look at smaller
sections. After a bit of practice in this area, it becomes easier and easier to tell
the difference between different emotions and how they’re portrayed on
different people. By honing your skills in this area, you can prepare yourself
for many different kinds of reactions from people based on their emotions,
and you can prepare accordingly. You would need to prepare much
differently for someone who is more aggressive than someone who tends to
be more welcoming and open socially. Because you can perceive the
emotions of others, you can save everyone time and energy in the process.
This is just one of the many tools you have at your disposal which you can
quickly develop in order to manipulate and persuade people to your side of a
negotiation or argument.
The mindset that you have when you go into a potential conflict, or any
situation which requires social connection, can have a massive influence on
the turnout of that social connection. This mindset you have going into a
conflict, argument, negotiation, or other event, can ultimately determine the
outcome of that conflict or negotiation. If you go into an event with the
mindset of someone who isn’t looking to make positive connections or make
friends, this is the most likely result. Whether you become consciously aware
of it or not, your mindset and the way you think going into something will
directly and immediately influence your body language. People who interact
with you will pick up on those social cues and the body language that you’re
putting out without even meaning to, and they’ll be able to tell that you aren’t
looking for positive interaction at the time. Even if your goal is to make
connections, if you don’t approach people with the focused intention to do so,
you’ll probably fail in that endeavor. So, always be sure that you’re in the
right headspace to ensure that any of your plans which you have going into
an event or gathering can succeed to the fullest. One way you can do this is
by always trying to be aware of your body and its position on some level
when you’re around others. If you have a tendency to slouch, try to pick up
your body when you talk to people you want to think you’re confident. When
you want to appear more relaxed and casual instead of being professional,
which might be perceived as uptight in some situations, be mindful of your
shoulders and the stress you hold in your chest and stomach. In addition to
this general stress, be mindful of the stresses which you hold in your arms,
your chin or jaw area, and your neck. Doing a few minutes of light stretching
before you enter an area where you have to do a lot of talking or
communication can do a world of good as far as bettering your chances of
making connections goes. In general, keeping a positive mindset is the
ultimate goal when it comes to making those connections that will not only
start out strong but continue to be strong and grow stronger the more work
you put into them.
Of course, these relationships can hardly prosper on their own without you
putting the proper energy and time into them in order for them to see the
lightest. If you want your relationships to flourish in the way that’s most
profitable for you, be aware not only of yourself and the person who you’re
looking to go into that partnership or relationship with, but also have an
understanding of relationships and how you can nurture them the best. The
way you can nurture people and your relationships with them depend heavily
on the person they are, the nature of your first meeting, and the reason for
your relationship. If your connection with someone is entirely determined by
business, you have boundaries that you shouldn’t cross if you want to
maintain some sense of professionalism within that connection. However,
you should always look to attain some common ground between you and the
person you’re trying to cultivate a relationship with. If you can find a
common experience that you can bond over with the other person or even just
a common feeling about something you experience, you put yourself at the
same level as that person. This can be especially fruitful in the relationship if
there seems to be a harsh power imbalance, or the other person in the
connection seems to be afraid of you or skittish around you. You can’t have a
blossoming social endeavor if the person is afraid to have things in common
with you, so making the first move socially and doing more work initially to
establish some common ground will likely come back around to you in the
long run—for instance, if you’re able to do more of the initial work to get the
other person to feel the most comfortable around you, they’re then more
likely to return that favor at some point later on by giving you the benefit of
the doubt during a misunderstanding or taking your side when they might
otherwise not. This is the power of social bartering—an unwritten facet of the
human language where there remains some barbaric kind of trading, no
matter how complex or advanced trade becomes. Since bartering and trade
have been introduced into society, there have always been many different
ways to trade between mediums and different commodities. This is true even
now, and that commodity has changed to favors. Where we might trade in
more technical ways for actual items, we’ve never done much to change the
way that body language and social cues transfer into the feeling of owing
somebody something—whether it be a favor or “credit.”
Image Source: www.writerswrite.co.za
 Chapter 46: NLP Presuppositions and Priming

Presuppositions
A prosecutor sits at the table, ready to examine the witness. He stands up and
asks, “Did you beat your wife that night?” What did that question do? If a
person is locked into saying yes or no questions, how does a person answer
without interrogating themselves? Saying “No” suggests that they beat their
wife some other night. Say “Yes,” and they’re confessing. And in the jury’s
mind, they hear that this man has beaten his wife.
The presupposition is a powerful tool to implant thoughts into people’s mind
so that they are already thinking about or owning the decisions you’re going
to want them to make. A salesperson might ask someone, “When you buy
this, where are you planning to put it?” He’s always presupposed the sale.
He’s treating it as if the person’s already made up their mind to buy. And in
doing that, often times, the person comes along on the journey with you.
Presuppositions help to frame a conversation in a completely different way.
Instead of trying to find out if a person is going to take action, you use
presuppositions to let a person act as if they’ve already made up their mind,
letting them get comfortable with the idea, and to go along with what you’re
saying.
This pattern of language, like all the patterns I’m going to share with you,
flies under the radar of 95% of people. They listen, they hear it, they respond,
and often times, they’re now falling into your framing of things, which is
really the important thing to consider when we’re talking about
presuppositions. When you’re using presuppositions, you need to think about
what frame you’re setting for the person you’re talking to.
Presuppositions give you the power to put people exactly where you want
them. But you will occasionally run into resistance. The person, who at the
moment is really not looking to buy, and responds, “Well, I’m just looking
right now but…” These comments can feel like a death toll for a
presupposition, but, in fact, it just gives you the added opportunity to dig into
the person’s mindset more. You have the opportunity to actually take what
they’re saying and use it to dig deeper, to even double down on the
presupposition with a statement, “Well imagine anyways, you’re buying this
now, what are you hoping to do with it?” People need very little urging to put
themselves into the role of actually taking action. But, once they’re there, it’s
easy for them to stay there and even talk themselves into believing that they
need to do that.
But, is there any secret to presuppositions that you should know about?
Yes, actually quite a few. Though a lot of my examples have been used with
the word “when,” the first one that I mentioned was the lawyer questioning
someone, there are a host of words you can use to layer your presupposition.
“After” is one of the more powerful ones, though this one requires a little
more rapport building and set up. It’s a future pacing presupposition, met to
make them feel like the deal is done already, not just that they’re going to
take action, but they have, they just need to do it first.
Next, are questions like did you, could You, Would you… That Day (or
Today)? Like the question the lawyer laid out, asking if the person had
abused his wife on that day, it presupposes that it is something they’ve
always done. These types of questions are usually reserved to sway
audiences, to get other people on your side.
The presupposition is a great groundwork tool, but it’s not going to help you
get to home base. It will set up a conversation, let you develop a frame, and
be able to guide people to where you want them to be. Beyond everything,
that’s something I want to make sure that I drive home. As powerful and
unique a presupposition statement is, and how useful it can be (as you’ll see
as we dive deeper and deeper into hypnotic language) it is hardly a finisher,
and you’d be mistaken to use it as such.
This is something that a lot of courses and books fail to put out there. They
make the presupposition out to be something much bigger than it is and
ignore all the power it really has, for the word trickiness of it.

Priming
One of the most powerful tools you’ll ever have when it comes to hypnotic
techniques is called priming.
From the beginning, people have been affected by priming whether they
knew it or not, and they’re lives have been run by their fear of how others
have been primed to them. We call it a reputation. We worry about our
reputation. We are unsure how to manage our reputation sometimes,
especially when it comes to being an effective influencer. And some of us
don’t have the power to really get ourselves known by the people we want to
be known by before we arrive. So I’m going to show you how to prime your
ideas throughout any conversation. Meaning, I’m going to show you how to
make an offer or suggestion to someone so powerful they aren’t just
prepared, but they’re excited to take action.
What is priming, and how does it work you’re wondering?
Priming is the process of preparing someone to either experience a certain
state or have a certain opinion through a series of stimuli beforehand. To put
it even clearer, you influence a person before you attempt to influence them.
To give an example, there was a psychological experiment done by Bargh
and Pietromonaco. These two psychologists showed a group of people, either
neutral words or hostile words and then read them a neutral story where a
character’s behaviors could be interpreted any way the listener felt. The
people who heard the hostile words gave the character of the story hostile
intent. The people who heard neutral words gave the character of the story
neutral intent.
 Image Source: ocf Berkeley

All of this was a set-up, of course, for the main experiment, in which subjects
were asked to perform an impression-formation task. They read a story about
a fictional character, Donald, who is depicted as engaging in a number of
ambiguous behaviors, many of which could be interpreted as hostile. Then
they were asked to rate Donald's personality on a series of trait adjectives.
The trait ratings were then coded for negativity in general, and for hostility in
particular. The subjects in the 0% condition tended to rate Donald as
generally negative, but not particularly hostile. But in the 20% condition, and
especially in the 80% condition, they rated Donald as hostile as well as just
generally unpleasant.
Bargh's interpretation of this study is that the subjects perceived the hostile
trait adjectives preconsciously, and that this preconscious processing
automatically activated a negative, hostile schema which then guided the
interpretation of Donald's ambiguous behaviors.
But the test doesn’t stop there. Priming has been a huge point of research, and
one of the biggest studies ever done was helped along by Facebook. As they
tested on a major scale by curating the content people see, with some people
seeing more sad and depressive things and others seeing happier things, they
judged people’s moods. Yeah, people who experienced more negativity had
more negative moods. People who experienced happier posts had happier
moods.
It keeps going. Businesses bombard us with an advertisement in every format
they can afford, attempting to prime us with the material to associate their
products with the positive sensations hoping, in the end, to sway us to
thinking of their product in a positive light and to take action and actually
buy their product.
Now, all that might be well and good, but you’re probably trying to figure out
how the heck you’re going to use priming? You’re not Facebook, you
probably don’t have hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on advertising,
and you’re not a psychologist trying to come up with a new test to learn all
this stuff. So how does this apply to you?
The reason priming is in your hypnotic language is because you can use your
language to set people up and prepare them for what you’re going to show
them so that they’re not just ready to listen to you, but they’re excited for you
to get to the point. These few priming techniques that I’m going to share with
you should set you up to be able to take any influencing attempts and
enhance the likelihood of not just success but excitement on the part of
people.
The first of these priming language patterns is the anticipative statement.
These are the powerhouse tools for you to get people to commit to what
you’re going to say before you say them. What is an anticipative statement?
Think about you having a conversation with a person you’re interested in,
and you want to keep their interest. You’re sitting together, and you’re
talking. You’re both learning about each other, and finding out new and
interesting things. They say something that happened to them that you also
have a story for. Instead of playing back and forth, you telling your story, and
them telling their story, you say, “I have a great story, really interesting,
you’ll love it but first keep talking, I want to hear more.” This simple
statement unlocks a person’s mind to both understand your appreciation of
them but also to make them anxious to finish their story so they can hear
yours.
Maybe you’re not trying to have a love connection. With the anticipative
statement, instead of just solving the problems someone might have that your
product can solve; instead, you make them excited at the potential solution.
You could start by finding out what problems they have, using active
listening (which we talked about in the influence section) and find out what
they want and what problems they’re having.
Now, I know this isn’t revelatory. Most salespeople do this. The best is to do
it differently, though. They prime people as they go, alerting them along the
way as their prospect opens up to them, that they’ll show them exactly how
one problem after another would be solved by the product. Finally, when they
go through the product, they can focus in on the features that they previously
talked about and told them to anticipate finding the most helpful so that the
person they’re talking to can feel completely anticipating these showcases.
This, in turn, has them commit to the product.
Priming alters the way people are going to approach things, changing their
frame so that they are committed and excited for what you’re going to tell
them. Thus, preparing them to listen and be more receptive to what you’re
going to say.
Mastering priming turns everything you say into something important,
interesting, and intriguing that people want to hear and are waiting to hear.
 Chapter 47: Emotional States and persuasion

Persuasion can be defined as being capable of persuading, and persuading is

further characterized as moving through reasoning, justification, or
expostulation to an opinion, position, or course of action. In a few terms, to
persuade someone is to ask someone to do something. A persuasion is an art
form that must be practiced by anyone who wants people to do something.
It's an incredible tool to have, mainly if you're continually surrounded by
people who need a little bit of prodding now and then.
Deception, on the other hand, is described as an act that induces someone to
assume that something false or incorrect is, in fact, authentic and valid. A
deception is a form of manipulation on its own, and it is also a tool through
which you can achieve your goals of persuasion. This is probably where
things get as blurry as far as creed goes. Discussions have been going on for
the longest time on the thin line between manipulation and persuasion. Some
camps are wholly convinced of the malice of persuasion, while others believe
that belief is an entirely harmless way to get what you want from people. The
subject of manipulation itself is a gray area for a lot of people. Morality is
subjective based on the metrics of various societies and cultures. The
question of whether deception is correct or incorrect is one that should be
discussed independently.
That being said, there are some technical differences in convincing and
manipulation. Manipulation often has a strong self-interest, while
manipulation may be sought for the greater good of the entire community.
Consider the case of an activist who persuades people to plant trees for the
sake of the environment. They may have to press and poke before they get
the numbers to do a successful tree-planting exercise. Some people may see
this as manipulation, but at the end of the day, the outcome of their efforts
benefits the entire community.
Persuasion frequently provides a clear and coherent justification for a
particular case, while deception often includes the distortion of evidence
designed to alter a person's perception of truth. Manipulation and intimidation
always serve the same purpose, which is to persuade someone to do
something you want them to do. The critical difference is how the players
choose to deal with it: there are all the cards on the table method, which is
manipulation and the secret card method of intimidation.

The Principle of Reciprocity

Reciprocity is merely doing to others as you would have done to you. When
you indulge in your daily interactions, exchange calls for kindness and
generosity. Showing compassion to others is a positive thing that makes you
feel better about your relationship. Even more than that, it's your chance to
earn chips that you can cash in later. If you've been good and kind to
someone else, you have a better chance of them being type and kind to you.
If you are hoping to be able to convince a person, you have to behave
decently towards them. Speak a kind word, do them a favor, or buy them a
gift. Later, when you need to convince them to do something, they're going to
be more careful. After all, you have proven yourself to be a kind human
being who has a passion in his heart.

Image Source: JasonGeorge.net

The Principle of Liking
To make you look similar to the person you're hoping to convince, you need
to find common ground with them. For example, many foreigners have
learned that learning and speaking the local language is the easiest way to
become more likable. The other thing you need to be mindful of when you're
making yourself more likable is flattery. If you use it right, Flattery will open
many doors for you. We like people who pay attention to them. If you want
to persuade someone to do something for you, start by paying them a genuine
compliment. Just because it's called flattery doesn't mean you're going to
have to be effusive. Being too excessive in your praise is going to be counter-
productive to your need to be liked. Last but not least, be the kind of guy who
is generally kind and helpful towards reaching mutual goals, and you'll be
one step closer to being likable. If you always step on the other people's toes
to get what you want, you're going to have very few friends, and that won't
help your case when you need to convince someone in the future.
Also, being kind and friendly does not mean being a doormat. Sometimes, it
just means making a little effort to help a person achieve a goal that is
significant to them. For example, if a colleague is struggling with a proper
report, offer to help with printing and mailing. It's not a lot of work, but
you're going from a non-involved, non-descript colleague to a kind and
compassionate colleague. Afterward, you can cash this chip if you wish.
 Image Source: Jeremy Porter Communications

The Theory of Authority

A person who is an authority figure in a particular field will have an easier
time to control others when opposed to a total newbie. If you want to
convince more people to do something, you need to build your reputation by
making yourself look like you have experience in whatever area you play in.
This is a crucial reason why professionals show their diplomas in their
industry. Think about it—-when you're going to the therapist's office, for
example, you're likely to consciously lookout for the kind of credential
they've hung on their walls. If your therapist has a lot of evidence, you're
likely to feel a sense of comfort in their expertise and experience. As such,
any advice they send to you will be quickly accepted and followed by you. In
essence, the therapist has managed to influence you without even saying a
word.
It is a fact that your voice will not be taken very seriously if you are the only
one to think about it. As such, you must ensure that you hire others to beat
the drums on your behalf. There are subtle ways to do this. In the office, you
can identify a field that you're passionate about and become an office guru in
that field. This may be the field of Microsoft Excel or reporting for some
people. The man who's known as the Excel Guru Office will have an easier
time getting things from people because they already know what he's talking
about. He has also proven himself likable and helpful in solving all of his
Excel challenges, and his friends will want to pay him back anyway. You
don't need to learn Excel to make your mark on the world. There are many
other areas in which you can shine and view yourself as an authority figure.

The Scarcity Theory

In economics, the rules of demand and supply are simple and straightforward:
when the amount is low, and demand is high, prices rise. Scarcity creates
interest in explaining this. If you are a business person who wants to
convince people to buy your product or service, it helps to point out that the
product is only on offer for a limited amount of time. Besides, let your
customers know that they will lose significantly if they do not have timely
access to this product. When the marketing message is packed that way, more
people will rush to beat the time limit on your product.
It is necessary to become a scarce commodity yourself in the world of
business and personal relationships. If you're always available to everyone
every time they need you, you're going to lose your value quickly. You have
to learn the art of being inaccessible and unavailable if you want to retain the
air of mystery and influence around you. When you finally show up, your
word will be revered more than the concept of a person who is continuously
showing up and speaking out of any relevance and value.

The Principle of Consensus

In day-to-day interactions, people look to others who are similar to them for
advice on what to do or say. A person who is a right influencer understands
that it takes only one person to buy into their idea, and the whole crowd will.
There are several ways in which you can apply the principle of consensus to
your benefit. In an office setting, for example, you can get a section of staff
to agree to the cause and champion that causes their colleagues. These
coworkers are more likely to be persuaded that the reason is worthwhile if
their superiors have said so.
If you've ever bought anything from Amazon, you might have seen that it
includes a section that shows the other items purchased by customers who
ordered the product you just bought. Why do you think this is the case, and
what effect does that segment have on you as a buyer? More often than not,
you're likely to consider buying those other items because those customers,
who have similar tastes and needs, bought it from you. You may not have
originally planned to purchase additional products, but just the fact that
others did it will make you think you need to. This is, in effect, the principle
of consensus.

Persuasion Tips for Daily Use If You’re Trying to

Influence People
It’s not enough to understand the underlying concepts of persuasion. You
must also master the simple yet effective ways in which these principles can
be used in everyday life.
If you're a persuasive person, you're going to have a much easier time in life
and often achieve your intended results without having to jump through
hoops. Some tips to be more persuasive can be implemented instantly, while
others will require some practice.
Tip # 1: Appearing confident
Confidence does not naturally come to all of us. Many people seem to have
an easier time to be optimistic, while others fail a little. Whether or not you
are instinctively optimistic, you must ensure that you always look confident
to others. If you are unsure as to how you look or your abilities in a particular
subject, nobody else needs to know that. Don't give your insecurities a forum
to shine on. Instead, try faking it until you do it.
There are people in this world who don't know a lot of things yet have
managed to get scores of people to support them and their ideas. The reason,
huh? We are the epitome of faith. They walk into the rooms as if they were
their own. We act authoritatively even when they're unsure about what they're
talking about. Confidence suggests you know what you're talking about.
People are allowing themselves to believe the people who know what they're
talking about.
Tip # 2: Be subtle with your approach
Even when they allow themselves to be persuaded to do something, most
people like to think it was their idea to do something in the first place. One
wants to believe that they've allowed a single thought to be forced down their
throats. You must be discreet in your approach to performance in persuasion.
Instead of adding a single full-on subject, consider starting with an anecdote.
If you're looking to get someone to buy an investment, start by mentioning
how you and your friends went on a cruise last weekend after you received a
particular investment payout. Don't even try to sell that investment. Instead,
let the other person think about how they could have gone on a cruise if they
had invested in a particular investment vehicle. Entice people, in short,
without being too obvious about your temptation.
Tip # 3: Be creative with your methods
Efficient methods are not set in stone. Different people are responding to
different things. Also, the same person will react differently to different ways,
depending on time. You need to know when to switch gears accordingly.
Sometimes you will need to work on the theory of resemblance, and
sometimes you will need to focus your approach on the concept of authority.
Reading social cues should help you to decide which strategies you want to
use.
Tip # 4: Timing is all
If you want to persuade someone to buy a house, you’re going to have more
luck if you spot them when they're shopping for a property. This is true for
most things. If you want your crush to go from crush to partner, you'll have a
much easier time talking to them when they're looking for a relationship. To
master the art of persuasion, you must master the art of knowing when the
timing is right. If you don't, you're going to fall into the trap of harassing
people to agree to things they're not interested in. Nobody likes a person who
is continually harassing them about doing something, especially at the
strangest of times.
Tip # 5: Being Interesting is an added advantage
Most persuasive people are not dull. Nobody pays a lot of attention to
annoying people. Annoying people don't make it enjoyable to talk to. They're
not entertaining, and they're certainly not unforgettable. If you're going to win
persuasion, you have to be an exciting person. The good news is that there
are so many avenues to be fascinating. All you need to do is identify
something unique about yourself and amplify it for the world to see.
It could be a talent or a hobby you're very good at. It could also be your sense
of humor or the way you look. You might even want to share your insightful
view of the world with your viewers. Whatever it is that you pick, make sure
it helps people remember you well after the discussion is over.
Tip # 6: Listen more than you're talking.
You might think that being efficient means being talkative, but this can't be
any further from the truth. You have to train yourself to be an excellent
listener to influence people. There are two purposes to listening skills.
Firstly, as long as people speak and you listen, that means that you're
gathering crucial information that you can use to your benefit.
Secondly, people like to be a good listener. Why? Because people love to talk
about themselves. Keep your mouth shut and your ears open, and you'll be
well on the way to through your quotient.
 Chapter 48: Take control Of Others

NLP, the mind, and ultimate control

Have you ever wondered how some people are able to handle change
constructively and creatively? While some people are knocked off balance by
changes in their lives, others seem to fit right in perfectly. Why is it that some
people seem to be in the right place at the right time? How comes some
people have good relationships while others cannot get it together even for a
week? Is there some form of good luck or inborn traits, making some people
more successful than others?
One of the professors at the University of California called John Grinder, and
his student called Richard Bandler started to work on a behavioral study
project in the 1970s. They observed the behaviors of successful people and
were more interested in why some people so good at what they do when
compared to others. The findings helped them to develop the neurolinguistics
programming, which involved observing, codifying, and replicating the
behaviors and thought patterns of successful people. The programming
explores the relationship between our neuro (how we think) linguistic (how
we communicate) and programs (pour patterns of emotions and behaviors).
The background of Neuro-linguistic programming is that positive behaviors
that lead to success can be copied. The professor and the student were
interested in the difference between the thought patterns, behaviors, and
language use of successful and unsuccessful people. Their findings are the
basis of NLP today. Simply put, the researchers claimed that success has very
little to do with luck. You do not have to be lucky in order to succeed.
Changing your approaches to life can help you to become more successful in
relationships, career, social spec, and other situations. Though some people
develop natural ways of becoming successful, these ways of thinking, acting,
and speaking can be learned by anyone who is willing to give it a shot.
The Neurolinguistics programming was developed years ago, but a lot of
redefinition has taken place over the years. Currently, NLP has become a
commonly used technique in self-development and therapy. It is used in
education, business, military, and above all, for individuals. NLP can be
successfully applied in personal life, and a lot of big companies train their
staff on how to use NLP with clients.
Basically, NLP is about how we develop mental representations sounds,
images, and verbal descriptions of different situations. When we become
aware of the internal maps of reality within us, it becomes easier to
consciously change our inner landscape and consequently respond differently
to people and situations in the outside world.
One of the main benefits of using NLP is that results can be seen very
quickly. For instance, people with some kinds of phobias can be treated in a
matter of minutes using some of the techniques found in NLP. Further,
blockages and fears can be dealt with easily and quickly through the use of
NLP. Honestly speaking, NLP has shed a lot of light on how we interact with
our physical and social environments and other aspects of life.

NLP, manipulation, and mind control

Can NLP help you avoid negative manipulation and mind control? Yes, NLP
can help anyone to fight manipulators. Often, we move along life on
autopilot- responding to life in an extensively automatic way. This leaves us
vulnerable to manipulation because we hardly analyze situations critically
and make strong decisions. When living life on autopilot, we tend to follow
what other people are doing (social proof) and also allow other people to
influence our choices. Sometimes go through life drive by those subconscious
programs which we have learned and practiced for years – some of them we
practice since childhood.
Some self-development advocates and personal change ambassadors can fail
to explain to us how we can avoid the specific tools we should apply to
improve our lives. On the other hand, NLP lays out the tools you need to
implement that change. It informs you that you are responsible for your
actions, reactions, and responses to the situations in life. NLP allows you to
get behind the steering wheel and take charge of your life instead of having
another person drive you around.
NLP is practiced more because of its practicality – The tools are functional,
and a wide range of challenges can be addressed through NLP. Some of the
issues include;
Developing better relationships,
 Becoming more healthy
Overcoming phobias and fears such as fear of public speaking,
Improving communication
Being more successful and impactful in your career and family life.

Success in any field of life, be it career, sport, family, et cetera requires

excellence. Neuro-linguistic programming is a roadmap for this excellence.
Although other factors like luck and innate ability play a role in the success
of an individual, the majority of NLP tools must be applied. Success is a
predictable result of behaving and thinking in a certain way.
 Chapter 49: Manipulating the mind Through NLP

Manipulation is a broad phenomenon, available in almost all dimensions of

social life. It is a motivating action focused on interference in the decision-
making process of another person without his or her consent. This form of
intervention happens indirectly by involving morally questionable tactics,
such as misdirection, temptation, and distraction.
The quality of trickery applied in manipulation allows manipulation to
happen in all variations and under many different forms. In fact, social
scientists have highlighted that an effective change in the human decision-
making process and behavior cannot be attained without applying a specific
level of manipulation.
Manipulation does not exactly resemble persuasion and not similar to
deception. However, it is located somewhere between those motivating
actions, and this presents problems in defining manipulation and assessing its
effects.
Very little academic work has been done to learn more, and explain the
fundamental property of manipulation and its specialty relative to other
motivating actions. Most of the work that tries to deal with this problem
gathers and summarizes the concept into a single conclusive definition.
This will look into the unique properties of manipulation in an analytical
form and demonstrate unique features of manipulative interaction. For that
reason, it is sensible and useful to apply specific basic assumptions that are
usable in economic analysis. This type of move coincides with the
methodology of Economic Imperialism.
The basic assumptions focus on a simple common sense and are intended to
enable the discussion. Real-life scenarios are not carried out based on basic
assumptions. This is particularly true of manipulative interactions that
involve aspects that we consider irrational.
We shall describe manipulative scenarios as a form of interaction between
human beings. The analysis concentrates on agents that contain “standard”
human properties: preference, conscience, and so on. The discussion is
restricted to conscious actions.
As already stated, the book will explore the unique features of manipulation
and outline the ethical problems that the manipulation phenomenon raises.
The key thing to note about these mind control methods is that they are likely
to happen in a person’s daily life with the person’s they know and trust. Of
course, a person is not going to isolate their subject or force them to get into
an altered state of mind like brainwashing. But they will apply various
techniques to change the way the other person thinks. Manipulation,
deception, and persuasion are the three forms of mind control that suit this
category.
This section will study more about manipulation and how it can work to
change the way a person thinks. Although manipulation may not harm the
person who is applying the tactic right away, it is designed to work in a
deceptive and hidden manner to change the actions, behavior, opinion, and
perception that the intended person has about a specific topic or
circumstance.

Well, but what is manipulation?

Before we dive deep, it is vital that we define the meaning of manipulation.
When you consider manipulation based on psychology, you will interpret it
as a social influence that changes the actions, perceptions of others using
deceptive and hidden tactics.
The manipulator will work to improve their interests at the expense of others.
A lot of tactics used by manipulators are considered abusive, devious, and
deceptive. Although social influence isn’t negative, when a person or group is
being manipulated, it has the potential to harm them.
Social influence, such as a doctor trying to persuade a patient to start
practicing healthy habits is considered harmless. This is true of any social
influence that respects the rights of those required to decide and is not unduly
coercive. On the flip side, if a person is attempting to get their own way and
is taking advantage of people by going against their will, the social influence
can have a negative impact and is generally undermined.
Emotional or psychological manipulation is considered as a form of coercion
and persuasion. There are a lot of components that can be employed in this
type of mind control, such as brainwashing and bullying.
In most cases, people will consider this as abusive or deceptive. Those who
decide to manipulate will do so to try to control the actions of those around
them. The manipulator will have some targets in mind and will apply various
abuse forms to persuade those around them into assisting the manipulator to
achieve the target. For the most part, emotional blackmail will be used.
Those who manipulate other people use mind control, bullying and many
other methods to make others do what they want; the person being
manipulated may not want to do the task, but since they will feel like they
have no other alternative because of blackmail or the tactic employed. Many
people that are manipulative lack the right caring and sensitivity towards
others so they may not see a problem with their actions.
Some manipulators are only interested in achieving their end goal and don’t
care who has been hurt in the process. Additionally, manipulative people fear
to get into a healthy relationship because they are afraid that others will not
accept them. A person with a manipulative personality will always have the
weakness of taking responsibility for their own problems, life, and behavior.
Since they cannot take responsibility for issues that may arise, the
manipulator will apply manipulation tactics to get someone else to own their
responsibility.
Manipulators usually borrow tactics in other forms of mind control to attain
the influence they want in others. One of the most popular tactics is called
emotional blackmail. For this tactic, the manipulator will strive to motivate
guilt or sympathy in the person they are manipulating. These two emotions
are selected because they are the strongest of all human emotions and are the
most likely to trigger others to do what the manipulator wants. The
manipulator will then take complete advantage of the person, using the guilt
they have to persuade others into helping them attain their end goal.
Usually, the manipulator will not only build these emotions, but they will
also trigger some level of guilt that is out of proportion for the situation
taking place. This implies that they can take an instance like missing out on a
party appears like a person is missing out on funeral or something vital.
Emotional blackmail is just one of the strategies used by manipulators.
Another successful tactic is a type of abuse known as crazy-making. This
tactic is used with the hope of building self-doubt in the person being
manipulated. Typically, this self-doubt will become very strong that some
people may begin to feel like they are going crazy. Sometimes, the
manipulator will apply passive-aggressive behavior to generate crazy-
making. They may also decide to support or approve the subject verbally, but
again show non-verbal cues that contradict what they said. The manipulator
will usually try to undermine specific events while loudly supporting the
same behavior.
In case the manipulator is caught ready handed, they will deny, justify, or
deceive to get out of trouble. One of the biggest challenges with
psychological manipulators is that they are slow to learn the needs of people
around them. This does not support the behavior they are doing, but others
needs are not factored so they can manipulate others without feeling any
shame.
Also, the manipulator may find it hard to create long-lasting and meaningful
friendships because the people they are with will always feel used and have
issues trusting the manipulator.

Requirements to successfully manipulate

A successful manipulator must have tactics at hand that will help them
succeed at persuading people to achieve their own end goal. Although there
are extreme theories that describe what a successful manipulator should be,
this book will consider three requirements defined by Georg K. Simon, a
successful author in psychology.
Simon says that the manipulator will require to:
Hide their aggressive behaviors and intentions from the person or people they
want to manipulate.
Determine the weaknesses of their intended subject or victims to identify the
tactics that will be most ideal in achieving their goals.
Develop some degree of ruthlessness so that they will not handle any doubts
that arise because of harming the subjects if it arrives at that. This harm can
either be emotional or physical.
The first thing that the manipulator has to fulfill to manipulate others
successfully is to hide their aggressive behaviors and intentions. This means
that if the manipulator starts to tell people of their plans, no one is going to
stay for long to be manipulated. Instead, the manipulator requires
safeguarding their thoughts from others and behaving like everything is
usual. Usually, the subjects being manipulated will no know about it, at least
not at the start. The manipulator will be friendly, act like their best friend, and
probably help them out with some problem or another. By the time the people
become aware of the issue, the manipulator has sufficient information about
them to use it to coerce them into moving forward.
Next, it is crucial for the manipulator to have the ability to know the
weaknesses of their intended victims. This can assist them in figuring out the
kind of tactics that they can apply to attain their overall goal.
Sometimes the manipulator can manage to complete this step through a little
observation while other times, they will require to have some level of
interaction with the people before developing the complete plan.
The third requirement is that the manipulator has to be ruthless. Things will
not go well if the manipulator does his work and then starts to worry about
how the subject is going to fair in the end. If they care about the subject, the
chances are that they will not apply this plan. The manipulator has to stop
caring about the subject; they should not care if any harm, either physical or
emotional, occurs on the subject as long as the overall goal is realized.
One of the reasons why manipulators succeed is that the subject is not aware
that they are being manipulated until later on in the process. They may think
that everything is going on well; maybe they think that they have found a
new friend in the manipulator. By the time the subject discovers that they are
being taken advantage, they are stuck. The manipulator will manage to apply
all tactics, including emotional blackmail, to realize their end goal.

The motivating feature in manipulative interaction

Right now you are aware that a significant characteristic of manipulative
interaction is the realization that the “deliberate action” is the right choice for
him in a certain situation. The ability of the manipulator to change the critical
capacity to destroy the judgment may interfere with the awareness of the
target, but it doesn’t result in the change of direction.
This means that blurring and clouding affecting the critical capacity does not
stimulate the “desirable” track. A strong incentive is needed to ensure that
deliberate action is the first in the target’s scale of choice. To realize this
effect, the manipulator requires creating a link between the intentional action
and the achievement of a powerful wish.
For the most part, the manipulator awakens a strong force in the subject’s
mind. He builds the notion that fulfillment can be attained if the target sticks
to the instructions of the manipulator. The motivating factor in manipulative
interaction shows a gap between the manipulator and the target. The target is
trying to realize a powerful wish while the manipulator encourages him to do
it by using incentives that create a false impression.

Manipulation as a motivating behavior

Manipulation is a motivating action. It is an effort by a person to make his or
her colleague behave in a certain way, and for a certain purpose. The decision
to manipulate and not apply a direct technique shows that the participants in
the interaction have opposing stands. Robert Godin, in his book
Manipulatory Politics, lists and criticizes a neo-Marxist view that describes
the contradiction results from various interests. Manipulation basically works
against the interest of those being manipulated. From this perspective, it is
implicit that any encouraging action that is applied for the advantage of the
target could never be part of the manipulation. This means the neo-Marxist
view excludes the entire side of partially positive manipulations that are
concentrated to progress the target’s interests. Godin, who attempts to
suggest an enhanced approach to the study of manipulative behavior,
considers that the contradiction is facilitated by various wills and not
essentially by contradicting interests, that is “One person—causing the other
to act contrary to his putative will.”
Godin’s definition, which concentrates on contradictory wills, considers that
the target’s will, or at least his putative will, is always open to the
manipulator. Usually enough, but, human beings like to speak in a different
and contradictory voice simultaneously, which makes it difficult to
understand what they really want. Does that imply that they cannot be
manipulated?
Consider this, the rich housewife who keeps complaining that the
maintenance task causes her to feel miserable, frustrated and unhappy, but
she refuses to employ someone to help her. How could we forget to talk
about the miserable Don Juan, who wants to get married, but constantly has
love affairs only with married women? And perhaps there is the tragic
example of the excellent musician who dedicated most of her life to learning
the art of opera but keeps avoiding wonderful opportunities to audition in
front of popular conductors who could be able to assist her to expand her
professional career.
These three tragic heroes-the miserable housewives frustrated Don Juan, and
the desperate musician is great examples that ambiguity regarding a person’s
intention will originate from the fact that he himself is confused and cannot
make a decision. Ironically, manipulative interference can be useful in
assisting the struggler to understand his will and arrive at a decision. Indeed,
so many techniques in psychotherapy and education are designed to assist a
confused person to discover his purpose and choose what to do with it.
The definition of Godin also appears problematic in scenarios where the
manipulator and the target tend to share the same objectives. In those
particular associations, the motivation to apply a manipulative approach can
be pushed by different objectives on opportunities to complete the will, such
as in the case where the target is in need to satisfy his will and realize his
goals.
Now, we can look at Goodin’s definition like an indirect move that is
executed out of fear that a direct approach will face opposition.
But this preliminary broad definition demands a lot of care. In some cases,
the decision to change depends wholly on efficiency where the manipulator
tries to avoid long explanations, and save time and effort. An extreme case is
a leader who predicts a political crisis that demands a fast response. He
assumes that describing the situation to his friends is a waste of time and
decides to manipulate them instead.
 Chapter 50: NLP Techniques

NLP, neuro-linguistic programming, is a fascinating approach to persuasion

and communication that really works. Invented by Bandler and Grinder in the
1970’s, NLP has since developed into a multi-billion-dollar industry that
many people turn to for guidance. The methods taught by NLP help people
learn how to banish bad memories, improve their cognition and mood, and
learn to cope with mental issues, and even seduce or communicate better with
other people.
But Dark NLP takes everything a bit further, right? So you can only expect
that your average NLP has nothing on what we are about to explore here.
This takes typical NLP a few steps further and shows you how to use it to
gain power and control over others. The twisted, dirty art of Dark NLP will
unlock many doors for you. It’s one of the most potent dark psychology
methods.
The great thing about Dark NLP is that it is applicable to all areas of life. You
can use it for seduction, persuasion, deception, or even making yourself more
confident and powerful. You can use it in romance, friendship, career, or
family. You are invincible in all areas of your life when you start to use Dark
NLP.

What Is Dark NLP?

NLP is built on the premise that you create the world around you. The way
that the world appears to you is created through information filtered through
your five senses, your speech patterns, and thought patterns taught to you
when you were little. Some of your behavior is very unhelpful, but you can
use NLP techniques to change this behavior and develop healthier habits.
You can use visualization, meditation, and even hypnosis on yourself to
correct your maladaptive behavior habits. You can basically get into your
own head and change your basic thought habits. NLP allows you to
restructure your thinking and erase bad memories using your senses,
language, and self-talk.
But based on this logic, you can also use NLP to enter the minds of others
and restructure their thinking. And this is exactly what Dark NLP entails.
Dark NLP takes helpful NLP practices and flips them on other people. Dark
NLP can be used for good or evil. Either way, it gives you significant control
over others by allowing you to rewire their brains and affect their thinking.
Using Dark NLP, you break people’s behavior down into simple parts. Then
you affect change by showing people how to behave differently. You use
subtle influence to make people think about their actions and approach
situations differently. Dark NLP essentially provides a tunnel directly into
someone’s mind. You can access their mind with simple techniques like
sensory stimulus, gestures, and phrasing words in certain ways. Encouraging
people to envision things and to think in new ways also enables you to
change their thinking effectively.
And the best part about NLP? It is performed through simply nuances in
speech or sensory stimulus. Therefore, it is undetectable. You can gain
control over someone and he will never guess that you are the reason he is
changing.

Image Source: Summit Life Coaching

What You Need to Know
You need to know a few things about a person before you can make him
change. You need to learn what he likes about himself, what he hates about
himself, what he wants, what he fears, and what he has doubts about. These
are essentially the elements of his identity, but they are also weak points.
When you target them, you can change them. You can hurt someone through
his doubts, fears, and dislikes, or disable him by removing all of the things
that he likes about himself and hopes for. You can also persuade or seduce
him by playing on what he wants, or scare him into action by provoking his
fears. Do you understand now why these five things are so important to using
Dark NLP?
Take some time to get to know your victim before you employ Dark NLP.
Pay attention to what he does and says. The things that he talks about provide
dead giveaways into what he really feels and who he is. He will avoid what
he fears and get nervous about what he doubts. He will get excited and brag
about his hopes and his sources of pride. You will find plenty of clues into
his identity if you just open your ears and listen carefully.
You can also coax someone into sharing themselves with you by talking
about yourself. Share your own hopes, fears, doubts, and self likes and
dislikes. When you open up, you establish a trusting bond. You also make
him want to reciprocate. Listen to how he responds to you and pay attention
to what he chooses to share with you.
You can find out someone’s insecurities and pride by complimenting him. He
will preen himself if you mention something that he likes about himself. He
will get rather shy and even hesitant to thank you when you compliment
something that he is insecure about. This information is crucial to owning
your victim.

Play on Hope and Fear

Play on someone’s hopes and fears using your word choices. When you want
to influence someone to act a certain way, you want to show him how it
might be related to his hopes and how it will benefit him. On the other hand,
remind him of his fears in relation to an action that you want him to avoid.
Let’s say you want your co-worker to stay late for you. You can point out
that he is such a hard worker and he is about to get recognition. The boss will
appreciate seeing him staying late. You can also hint about his fear of failure
and termination by saying that you would hate for the boss to never see him
staying late. “The boss might think you’re lazy. We all stay late from time to
time, so you want the boss to see that from you, too. It will look favorably for
you.”
You can also frame his perspective based on his hopes and fears. Use
positive, upbeat language that relates to what he hopes for, or really wants.
For instance, if you want someone to date your sister, you want to paint a
visual of your sister that includes all of the things that this person hopes for in
a partner. “She’s kind and she loves to give love and compliments.” Then you
can flip this and hint that his worst fears will come true if he dates someone
else that you don’t want him to see. “She has a tendency to emasculate men.”
Play with someone’s hopes and fears by offering them what they really want
and then confronting them with what they fear. This emotional roller coaster
is confusing and also makes people insecure. They don’t know which way is
up when they are forced to experience so many different emotions. Fear and
hope are two very powerful emotions, so using them simultaneously will
have an impact on people emotionally.

Insult Someone Subtly

An obvious insult will make someone hate you. But subtle insults allow you
to shatter someone’s self-esteem, while appearing innocent. Find out what
someone hates about himself. Then mention that every now and then in a
subtle way. Don’t ever make a direct or obvious insult. Disguise your insults
as compliments, even.
For instance, maybe your co-worker thinks that she is fat and she is very
insecure about her weight. You have observed her glancing at herself in the
mirror disparagingly and looking guilty after consuming an extra slice of
birthday cake. So you can say subtle things to dig at her weight problem,
such as, “You have such cute cheeks” or “You wear the same size as Marilyn
Monroe!” These insults are disguised as compliments, but they tell her that
her weight is noticed by others. This just reaffirms what she hates about
herself.
You can also occasionally bring up what someone fears. If someone in your
office is afraid of the disapproval of others, pretend that you are just
spreading office gossip and let him know what everyone says about him. Or
pretend to be a concerned friend and warn him about what people really say
about him behind his back. Of course, you can make up the rumors if you
want. By doing this, you are letting him know that people disapprove of him.
That reaffirms one of his deepest fears and will drive him crazy.

Influence If Someone Agrees or Disagrees

Listen to how someone speaks. Does he say “I feel” a lot? Does he use
primarily visual terms, like “I see”? Or is he more of an auditory person,
saying “I hear you loud and clear”? How someone speaks can reveal a lot
about his primary sensory mode.
If you want to influence whether or not someone agrees with you, use his
primary sensory mode to your advantage. Use language that fits his preferred
sensory perception, or modal system, if you want him to understand and
agree pleasantly. He will take better to communication that follows his
sensory mode. But if you want him to disagree, use an opposite sensory
modal system in your speech. He won’t understand or agree as well.
You can also change how someone feels based on sensory perception. If
someone is a strong visual person, paint an appealing picture of something or
someone to get him to like that thing or person. Otherwise, paint a very ugly
picture. Speak in his language to influence him more strongly. He will
communicate better if you use his terms.
Say you want a friend to go to a restaurant of your choice but he is feeling a
different restaurant. You happen to know that he is a very olfactory guy, with
a very sensitive nose. So describe how great the food smells at the restaurant
that you want to go. Soon, you will make him salivate and appeal to him
more. You can also complain, “Haven’t you noticed that the bathroom always
stinks a lot at that place that you want to go to?” The olfactory sensation of
an unpleasant bathroom odor will fill his imagination and ruin his appetite for
that restaurant, even if he has never noticed a bad bathroom smell there in the
past.
Also listen to common phrases that people use. Words that they often repeat
will have special significance to them. Think of Barney from How I Met Your
Mother, always saying, “Legendary!” in funny and creative ways. The word
“legendary” holds significance to him. You want to use words that have
significance for people. This makes them feel a bond with you.

Image Source: Hypnosis Training Academy

Create Fake Bonds

It’s so easy to create a bond that feels deep to the other person, even if the
bond is totally fake and possesses no real depth at all. Dark NLP allows you
to make people feel close to you, even if you aren’t really close. You can use
this bond to gain trust. Then you can use and manipulate people as you see
fit.
Use the Same Sensory Modal System
Now you can use this to forge bonds and false closeness with people. So if
someone uses a lot of auditory terms and describes things in auditory terms,
he will like you better if you also use lots of auditory terms. You two will
have better communication and a sense of sharing something in common,
even if he doesn’t realize why he feels this way about you.

Match Breathing
Breathe at the same rate as the person that you are speaking to. Even though
he won’t notice, he will quickly feel closer to you. This may be because
people like to have things in common. He may sense that something is
similar between you two and as a result, he will trust you and like you more.

Mirroring
Much like the section above, mirroring involves copying the other person to
create a sense of similarity. Mirroring creates a fake bond very quickly.
People love spotting others with whom they have things in common.
Therefore, if you imitate someone’s gestures, posture, and facial expressions,
you will create a sort of bond that is will feel very strong to the other person.
During conversation, subtly mimic someone’s gestures. If he leans toward
you, wait a few seconds and then lean toward him. If he crosses his arms,
wait a brief moment, then cross your own arms. Smile at people when they
smile at you, and frown when they frown. You get the idea.
 Image: David Cameron – Barack Obama

Understanding
Expressing understanding is a form of reflection. It makes other people feel
heard, valued, and supported. They love when people understand them. So if
you act like you are sympathetic, empathetic, and understanding, then you
will create bonds with people. People will feel that they can talk to you, and
they will open up to you, giving you even more information that you can use
for manipulation. They will trust you and turn to you, never guessing that
you’re really the enemy.

Confessing
Confessing your own secrets can make others open up like clams. You can
reveal real or false secrets. Protect your own interests. Just make sure that
your confession seems realistic, genuine, and deeply personal. Your moment
of sharing will encourage others to confess things to you. Then you have all
sorts of information to use against them later on. You also get to forge a bond
that isn’t really there. You gain the person’s trust.
Take Control of Others
You can start to take control of people by leading and pacing. This method
allows you to subtly gain control over someone in small ways. The small
steps that you make at first with pacing and leading can lead to bigger and
bigger steps. Once you gain even a small amount of control over someone,
you have the potential to take way more control.
As you practice mirroring, you can start to test how deep your rapport with
the other person is by making some small movements of your own. For
instance, after a few minutes or even hours of mimicking the other person’s
gestures, flip over your right hand. Ideally, the other person will also flip over
his right hand. When someone starts to follow your lead, you know that you
have a bit of control. Start to use this control to begin planting ideas in
others’ minds and lead them into new ways of thinking. Just a small gesture
sets the mode for everything.
You should use lots of language to elicit the emotional response that you
want in someone. That way, you lead his thoughts in the direction that you
want. You can do this by playing on his hopes, doubts, fears, likes, and
dislikes. Bring up the things that will make him think positively or negatively
about something. This is how you can ruin someone’s mood. Or you can
uplift someone. Or you can get someone to make a decision by causing him
to feel a certain way about a choice.
Remember that people form strong memories and associations with their
emotions. This means that while you are talking about a person, you can
make someone form a negative association by also mentioning his fears in
relation to the person you are both discussing. Take this example. A guy you
know really likes this girl, but you don’t want them to date for whatever
reason. So you can make him form a negative association with her by
mentioning how much she loves men with money. You know that he doesn’t
have a lot of money and it is a deep insecurity that he holds. This can lead
him to think that this girl wouldn’t like him and to associate her with a sense
of inadequacy. He won’t be as likely to pursue her if he has this association.
Pacing lets you set the pace for what someone does. Leading means that you
lead someone to do what you want. The two combined create a powerful
approach that enable you too sneakily and clandestinely take over someone’s
mind.
Meta Modeling
Meta modeling is an NLP method that allows you to make people rethink
what they say. People often use broad and vague terms like “never,”
“always,” and “everyone.” They don’t really consider how general what they
are saying is. You can challenge someone when he says one of these words.
For instance, if he says, “Everyone likes me,” ask him, “Does everyone? You
can’t possibly know everyone in the world!” Doing this makes people
question the validity of their statements and causes them to doubt themselves.
It also allows you to distract someone from the real argument at hand, and
prevents him from making the point that he wanted to.

Image Source: Memecon

 Chapter 51: The Power of Words — Linguistic
Foundations of Manipulation

We're going to cover how you can manipulate people in a conversation itself
through the magic of neuro-linguistic programming. Specifically, we're going
to talk about several different strategies that you can address in dealing with
people to get what you want. The big goal here is the development of your
very own ‘reality distortion field.’

Spinning ideas
The first thing you need to bear in mind before anything else is that when you
present an idea to somebody, you ’ll find yourself pushing against the current
because of the very nature of the proposition. This is because most of the
time, you are not in the winning position in terms of influence. People don’t
really want to do something unless they have to, especially if it seems
unreasonable from their end for one reason or another.
Because of this, one skill that you really need to work on is the spinning of
different ideas so that they sound advantageous to the person you're trying to
influence. You don't have to do this directly. In fact, you should avoid doing
it as this will make your attempts obvious.
Rather, instead of presenting things in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I,’ present them as
‘we’ so that they see their inclusion in your plan. If you speak directly of
benefits, then do so in a way that makes it sound like you both benefit from
it, leaving out your potential benefits.

Overselling as a tactic
The reality is that if you want to influence people properly, you have to
dream big. While people are apprehensive about things which are big and
difficult, they are more likely to come around to things that are bigger than
reasonable, provided that you can sell them as reasonable. The key here is to
have passion in your presentation.
Realistically, you know internally that you aren’t going to hit the mark if you
go through with whatever you’re trying to do. However, falling just short of
the mark is completely acceptable. It also works reflexively, if the person
you’re influencing has enough respect for you and you don’t do the
overselling thing constantly, they may see themselves as the issue and be
more responsive to the idea of doing something else for you.
Overselling is a risky tactic because you must have the ability to inspire
people with your passion. However, through persistence, practice, and the
development of the right charisma, you can easily get away with overselling
to get what you want out of people.

Oversimplifying
The ‘sunk cost fallacy’ is a very real thing, and if somebody devotes
themselves completely to something, there's a very low chance that they will
want to get out of it. This is just the simple truth of the matter. You can easily
make people sympathetic to your idea by simply making it sound small, and
then you let them find out that it's bigger once they're already involved.
People very seldom want to be the weak link in something.
This can be seen as the exact opposite of overselling. Instead of making it
obvious how a project or something that you want will go, you can hide it
and mention it later.

Overt honesty
This is one of the easiest tactics here, but it will make people respect you
more and make them more partial to your influence. The simple fact is that a
lot of people aren’t used to honesty when they least expect it. More than that,
the way to influence people — to really and honestly influence people — is
to throw them off. If you want to influence people, you have to bewilder
them and overpower them in terms of willpower. Consider it like a boxing
match, you wait for your opponent to give you an opening before you throw a
punch. However, here, you can create your own openings. You can give
yourself an opening by doing things that people don’t ordinarily expect, and
this can earn their respect.
Being honest when people don't expect it is a huge part of successfully
implementing this technique. Of course, you need to have a good sense of
timing. Don't tell people that something is horrible or that their outfit looks
bad or anything else explicitly rude. Rather, if you feel like everybody else is
coddling them about something, be the opposition to the coddling. People
know when they're being fed manure, even if it's just manure to make them
feel better. Being somebody who sees through the manure will make them
feel like you really understand them.
It’s hard to define exactly what overt honesty means. It’s a bit of a tricky
definition in and of itself, after all. If you really want a definition of overt
honesty, consider a situation where somebody is confiding something in you.
They’re nervous about some big life decision that’s coming up. Overt
honesty is not directing them to take one path or another, even if that’s your
ultimate goal in the conversation. Overt honesty is like them saying, “I just
hope it will be okay,” and then saying something like “It might not. You
know that, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s awful. But...” and then
proceed to carry on the conversation, slowly trying to swing them to your
side through the use of other tactics.
The key here is letting them recognize that you understand them. Most people
on the other end of the conversation would tell them “It will absolutely be
okay,” but you don’t do that. You affirm their underlying fear (that it might
not be okay), validate that fear by expressing it back to them, and make them
feel like they should allow you to help them make a decision, even if it’s not
in a direct manner. This makes them subconsciously take your advice to heart
than they would the advice of others.

Define your position as neutral

This won’t always apply, but there are some times where the best course of
action is to explicitly define your position because it makes you seem like
you’re taken out of the situation; even if you have a position that you want to
push somebody towards.
Consider this; you and one of your friends have a mutual friend who you
don’t like to have around for one reason another. You and the mutual friend
are talking to one another at a party after everybody else goes to sleep, and
they start to confide in you that they have the opportunity to move eight
hours away. (This story is based on something which actually happened to
somebody close to me.)
Since they're only a mutual friend, you can say that you're in a unique
position. "Everybody else will push you to stay because they're your friends
and they'll miss you. I'm in a unique position because I know you, but it
doesn't really make a huge difference to me if you're here or there. See what
I'm saying? I like you, don't misunderstand. I want to be your friend. I
consider myself your friend. But I'm in a unique position because I can tell
you without bias what you should do. This is an incredible opportunity for
you, and I think you should go."
Because you defined your neutral position and you’ve hopefully done other
things in this list to put yourself in a position such that you can influence their
position, you have subconsciously gotten them to start thinking that your
opinion is the objective one and everybody else’s is simply subjective. You
are the beacon of rationality here. This one goes best with a little bit of
drinking because it eases their suspension of disbelief.

Intersperse long and short

This goes really well with the last lesson, but it’s a great tip in general. When
you’re talking to somebody, don’t absolutely dominate the conversation.
Allow them to talk and then ask relevant questions about what they’re saying,
tying it into your overarching point. This is more aimed at casual
conversation than selling an idea, but you can also use it to sell an idea.
(Keep your responses and questions short, but throw in an occasional
passionate and long explanation.)
By interspersing long statements and short statements, you accomplish two
things. The first is that you keep people on their toes in terms of what to
expect from you in the conversation, which keeps them engaged. Also, when
you respond to whatever they’re saying, make it seem as though you
genuinely care about whatever perspective they’re sharing.
This is a very key part of influence, so be sure to use it when you can.
Remember, you’re trying to keep people on their toes and keep them
interested, as well as to ultimately make a case for something whether
directly or indirectly.

Intensity and passion

You need to work to make yourself intense and passionate or at least give
other people the impression that you are. This is more geared towards
pitching ideas than in casual conversation. If you do this in a casual
conversation, you may actually stray off the path to successfully influencing
somebody because you might come off as creepy.
What you can do instead is to work at making your sentences ‘sharp.’ Avoid
saying filler words and practice saying exactly whatever it is that you want to
say. The more you stumble around things, the less confident that you will
seem.
Moreover, you can make yourself come off as more passionate if you just add
more enthusiasm. It doesn’t matter if you repeat the same information so long
as you phrase it a different way, or you can even just make it sound like it’s
there for emphasis. The point is to develop a rhythm for whatever you’re
doing and sound genuinely excited about it. Make it sound like not only do
you want it to happen, but you’re one hundred percent confident that it can
happen as long as you have the other person’s help.

Spill yourself
People often make themselves very vulnerable to other people. However,
most of the time, they’ll only do this as a reaction. If you’ll be the first to
make yourself ‘vulnerable,’ then you can often get them to open up as well.
This can be a great way to learn how to get under their skin, as well as to
learn what sort of tactics you need to use to influence them.
There are two different routes that you can take here. The first is people know
about you. This has a few consequences but also a few perks. The most
obvious consequence is that this opens you up to being emotionally
vulnerable to the other person. If you can’t shut your emotions off
completely, then you may find yourself growing attached to them. This isn't
good if you just want to use them for gaining something. On the other hand,
depending on the stories that you shared, this might mean that people may
corroborate with you if you ever need them. I would personally have a few
stories on reserve that don't particularly matter if they get out, because if
someone realizes that you’re using them, they may get angry and retaliate by
leaking your ‘secrets’ if they’re immature.
The second route is that you can make up stories. This one is best done over
the phone or in person rather than through email or text message. If you make
up stories, then you can rest easy that they have no actual attachment to you
in a real sense. You may even set up a reserve of fake stories for different
situations. An added benefit of this method is that if they decide to leak your
secrets, so long as you don’t leave a paper trail, you can accuse them of
making up things to defame you since nobody will be able to corroborate
what they’re saying about you. This also serves as the primary drawback,
though. If you need somebody to corroborate your own story, you either have
to go without it or let somebody know that you’re trying to use somebody
else, which can cause a bunch of problems in and of itself.
All in all, though, if you can make yourself vulnerable to another person, they
will begin to feel an attachment to you, and they will take everything that you
tell them more seriously.

Play to your strengths

In developing a personality that you can wear outwardly to influence people,
you need to start playing to your strengths. One of the reasons why Steve
Jobs was great at influencing people was not only because he knew how
people worked, but because he was both intelligent and passionate. Not to
mention, intense. All of these, when put together, create a very potent
mixture used to influence other people.
Unfortunately, chances are likely that you are not Steve Jobs nor can you
come close to being as good as he was. As a result, you really need to know
how to play to your own strengths and recognize what parts of your
personality have the most influencing power.
For example, if you’re a smart person, but you aren’t very well-spoken, focus
on saying more with less. You’re naturally good at working with abstract
concepts, so go ahead and figure out ways to orchestrate these concepts and
bring people over to your side. Use your intelligence as your foundation in
your influencing. Don’t, however, make the mistake of coming off as though
you’re trying to sound intelligent. Don’t, for example, abuse a thesaurus or
anything like that. This will ultimately lead to people not taking you
seriously, and they may even put you beneath them.
If you’re well-spoken but not very practically intelligent, stay away from the
finer details and focus on using your charisma to bring people over. If you
can’t connect dots, don’t try to. Don’t bring up the dots that don’t even exist,
so that the person on the other end of the conversation can’t connect them for
you and prove your plan wrong. If you absolutely must mention them, then
mention them in passing and quickly move forward to another topic.
Chapter 52: Re-discovering NLP in Every Day Life

Triggering Your Values

Values or beliefs are powerful but often overlooked triggering factors to your
behaviors. They have the potential to generate such positivity in your life that
you can reach the successes that you have always dreamed of. Your values
can propel you towards pushing you beyond your limits. This can help in
almost all aspects of your life, from your physical health and wellness, all the
way to your mental, professional, relational and personal arenas.
On the other hand, the same way that values and beliefs can create this well
of potential in your life, they can also create a deep crevice that you can sink
into and have difficulty overcoming. Misused, these can only stunt your
growth, prevent progress and lead you to nowhere in your journey through
life.
The dangers of these negative beliefs are not that they are only triggered from
within, but also from outside of you. So powerful are these values that even
when others have them, they have the tendency to affect even you. This
ripple effect is especially true if the person inhabiting these negative values is
someone you have an important relationship with, such as family, a close
friend, or someone of authority. When you have these negative beliefs,
whether they come from within you or impact you through others, you must
change them. Beliefs and values may be powerful and you are intelligent
enough to know that you are in complete control of them.
The first step in changing your values is to make an inventory first. You need
to make a list of what you currently have, keep those values that are
beneficial to you and remove or change those that are not. Searching for your
values can be done by identifying the major life aspects that are the common
areas where values are applied.
For example, your major life aspects could be your personal life, such as
family, friends and relationships. Another aspect can be your professional
life; this will be your colleagues, career path, and financial planning. You
will also have a leisure life, your sports, hobbies and advocacies. Your beliefs
about your personal life can be how you value your relationships, the time
you spend with them, romance and love and other similar beliefs. For
simplicity sake, work ethics, integrity at the office, and quality of work can
be your values in your professional life.

When you have listed down the values that you have, the next step is to
understand whether they are positive or negative values. Positive values are
those that move you towards success or achievements, these are the ones that
make you the best version of you. Negative values are the opposite, they take
you away from achievement and they hide your best version.
Examples of positive values are happiness, freedom, wealth, and love. The
opposite of these values are the negative pairs, anger, sadness, poverty, and
guilt. For example, if you are in a relationship, but the reason why you are in
it is because you feel sorry for your partner and cannot leave that person, then
that is not love but guilt.
Now that you know which ones to keep and which to remove or replace, it is
time to create the values that you want. While it is during the early years of
life that values are formed into solid aspects of your life, even during adult
life, values can still be changed.
Begin by selecting the major life aspects that you think you need to improve
upon most. Are you thriving at work, while your family life is being
sacrificed? Are you having the best adventures of your life, while your
financial health is being derailed by your expenses?
Now you need to list down the values or beliefs that come into mind when
you are thinking about these major life aspects. For example, in your
financial life, it can be your value for money, security, material objects and
similar beliefs. Now begin to prioritize, which value or life aspect is more
important than the other.
You can ask yourself questions such as: If I can only choose one out of two
values or life aspects, which would it be? If I have this value, then what other
value would naturally be linked with it?
When you have your priorities, the next step is to plot these priorities in your
journey of life. Are they all moving you forward or holding you back? Have
you placed too much emphasis on this one aspect? Are you missing certain
values to make that life aspect more robust? Are there values that are in
conflict with each other? Which do you choose?
Image Source: Wealthy Affiliate
EMPATH
By David Soul
 Introduction

Empath is the capacity to peruse and get individuals and be in line with or
impact others. In some cases, it is intentional and at different occasions it
tends to be automatic, particularly for somebody who is a characteristic
empath.
Empaths are overly sensitive individuals who experience a significant level of
sympathy, thought, and comprehension towards others. Their exceptional
sympathy makes a tuning fork impact, wherein the empath appears to really
"feel" the feelings of the individuals around them. Numerous empaths are
uninformed of how this function; they may have just acknowledged some
time in the past that they are delicate to other people. Regardless of whether
they understand it or not, empaths share numerous basic attributes with
different empaths.
Numerous individuals figure out how to conceal their bona fide sentiments
and put on a show for the outside world. An empath can regularly detect and
identify with an individual's actual feelings that run further than what they
anticipate superficially. Empaths have a major heart and will act
sympathetically to enable that individual to communicate.
There is a charming stranger with a disarming smile. Average people will
look at this individual in a superficial way, not reading beneath the surface.
They are taken at face value; a smile means happiness. This is not the case for
an empath, as they are able to detect negative energy that most of the
population would miss. They would find themselves growing uneasy around
this person whom everyone else is only able to see as normal.
People, by nature, are quite adept at concealing their feelings and thoughts.
Others wear masks to hide ill intentions or negative emotions. That is why
when someone commits suicide; it is common to hear friends and family state
that the person seemed happy, and they did not see it coming. It takes more
than sympathy to be able to go beyond putting yourself in the other person’s
shoes (empathy) to actually experiencing the emotions of the other person
psychologically and physically.
An empath recognizes and feels the emotions that people will not talk about.
Therefore, they have a much higher level of compassion and the ability to
connect with others. There are no emotional defenses or barriers to shield
them from absorbing the energy of the people they come into contact with
and their surroundings. This makes individuals with this sensitivity more
likely to be the “givers” in relationships.
A giver will not often say no, not because they do not want to, but because
they cannot. They are likely to have people, the “takers’, take advantage of
their compassion. Empathy is a normal human trait. When we see others’ in
pain or in distress, we feel sympathy and may even want to help them.
Empaths, however, experience the emotions of others on a much more
intense scale than a normal person does.
The average person can feel sympathy and then walk away from a situation.
Empaths cannot distance themselves in this way because they take in the
emotion, and it becomes part of their own experience; they are not just
spectating. These individuals absorb the suffering in others, making it their
own.
Empaths experience sympathy towards family, youngsters, companions,
close partners, total outsiders, pets, plants, and even lifeless things. Some are
normally progressively empathic towards creatures (e.g., The Horse
Whisperer), to nature, to the planetary framework, to mechanical gadgets, to
structures, or to any assortment of creatures or things. Others will have a mix
of a few or these.
Compassion is not held by time or space. Accordingly, an empath can feel the
feelings of individuals and things a good way off.
Your life is unknowingly affected by others' wants, wishes, contemplations,
states of mind, and even agony. Being an empath is substantially more than
being profoundly touchy and it's not simply restricted to feelings or physical
agony. Empaths can likewise see the inspirations and goals of individuals
around them. Being an empath, you are constantly open, in a manner of
speaking, to process other individuals' sentiments and vitality. This implies
you truly feel, and much of the time, assume the feelings of others, now and
again unwittingly.
Numerous empaths experience things like incessant weakness, ecological
sensitivities, or unexplained a throbbing painfulness day by day. These are
everything that are bound to be added to outside impacts and less yourself by
any means. Basically, you stroll around this world with the majority of the
collected karma, feelings, and vitality from others.
Empaths frequently have the capacity to detect others on various levels. From
their situation in seeing what another is stating, feeling, and thinking, they
come to comprehend that individual.
They can likewise turn out to be capable at perusing someone else's non-
verbal communication and may eagerly think about their eye developments.
While this in itself isn't sympathy, it is something that stems from being
attentive of others. As it were, empaths have a total correspondence bundle.
Empaths are not made. Compassion is the nature of every single cognizant
being toward the start, when they are made by God, The Supreme Being.
Empaths may wind up constantly attracted to nature as a type of discharge.
 Chapter 53: What Is an Empath?

Image Source: ConsciousReminder.com

Empaths are those with the innate ability to read and understand the emotions
of people around them. This ability may even extend to nature, including
plants and animals. Individuals with this sensitivity are able to read and
absorb the energy of others, without even being aware that it’s happening.
This unconscious immersion means that the empathic party experiences
feelings with the same depth and intensity as the person that bore the
sensations, originally.
Empaths have a higher level of natural intuition that stems from their ability
to sense undercurrents of energy, just below the surface. When interacting
with another person, they can discern the mental and emotional state of that
individual, because they are hypersensitive to the world around them. Have
you been in a situation where you had an intuitive feeling that something bad
was going to happen? Empaths tend to see beyond the obvious; feeling before
they think.
Sinduthai Sapkal’s Empath Experience
In a small village in India, a girl was born on a sweltering November day in
1948. Her parents would have rather had a boy since girls in their culture at
the time, were nothing more than a burden and an extra mouth to feed. Still,
Sinduthai was luckier than most in that she was spared the infanticide that
was commonplace when unwanted daughters were born into a family.
Her father, to his credit, tried to send her to school, but fate intervened, and
poverty put an end to her formal education after the fourth grade. With no use
for her, she was married off at the tender age of nine to a man who, in his
thirties, was more than two decades her senior. Knowing no other way of life,
Sinduthai, at nine, became a wife and a mother of three by the time she was
twenty years old.
Fate, however, was not done with Sinduthai, and after some village chatter,
her husband was incited into getting rid of his wife, who at the time happened
to be pregnant. She was battered by her husband and left for dead in the cow
pen, where the cows were expected to trample on her and in so doing,
provide a plausible explanation of her death. It is in this cow-pen that a barely
alive Sinduthai gave birth to her daughter and managed to escape to a nearby
cemetery that she called home for a while with nowhere else to go.
Begging on the streets to feed herself and her daughter, Sinduthai was
confronted by the sheer numbers of children abandoned and left to die in the
streets with no one to care for them. She resolved to make them her
responsibility. So, she begs for herself, her daughter, and the abandoned
children. She adopted these children of the streets, even though she could
barely feed herself or her daughter, and had nothing but love to offer them.
Eventually, after years of begging, a good Samaritan took notice of the
woman herding and taking care of numerous street children. This savior built
an orphanage so that Sinduthai and her adopted children would have a place
to call home. With time, Sinduthai found donors to fund the education of her
adopted children, and she managed to raise and nurture over a thousand street
children.
However, for this remarkable woman, her journey was not quite over. The
same husband who left her for dead showed up on her doorstep in tatters and
homeless. Unsurprisingly for her, Sinduthai took him in and offers him the
grace and compassion he was never able to give to her or her daughter.
Sinduthai Sapkal is now a renowned social activist, and is fondly referred to
as the “mother of orphans”. She has won numerous local and international
awards for her charity work. It baffles many, that a woman, who had nothing,
could be so compassionate towards others. They wonder how she found the
strength to not only save herself but for many others who, like her, had been
discarded and abandoned. Sinduthai is the embodiment of an empath who
cannot help but feel other people’s pain and is helpless in the face of people’s
distress and suffering, to the point of forgetting her own needs and only
thinking of others.
We may not all be driven to great acts of charity or life-changing paths by a
compassionate nature, however, as an empath, you will always be unable to
distance yourself or ignore the pain of others. An empath is highly sensitive
to other people’s needs, and in either small or big ways, they make an impact
on humanity since they are drawn to the service of others and are compelled
to cater to the needs of people in throes of misfortune.
Scientific Explanations of Empathy and Empaths
Research has shown that there are scientific factors that predispose people to
become empaths. These factors affect how emotions are processed and how
we react to the environment and the people around us. Some of these
biological factors include;
The Mirror Neuron System
The mirror neuron system is a group of specialized brain cells that are
responsible for our ability to mimic other people’s actions and behavior.
These specialized brain cells enable us to feel other people’s pain, joy,
happiness, or any other emotions. In empaths, this mirror neuron system is
more sensitive than in the average person. This means that once stimulated by
external factors, this system triggers a much stronger psychological reaction.
The mirror neuron system is triggered by our surroundings and the external
environment. Ever noticed how you tend to be happier when you are
surrounded by positive and upbeat people? This happens because we take on
the emotions of those around us. If you surround yourself with negative
people, you tend to feel more negative yourself. This is beyond a social
phenomenon. These specialized brain cells responsible for mirroring other
people will pick up on the mood of those around you, and soon, it becomes
your energy. Misery loves company may be a cliché, but science has proven
that we tend to model ourselves after our environment and the emotions of
the people in it.
While empaths have a highly active mirror neuron system that increases their
sensitivity to other people, the reverse is true in psychopaths and narcissists.
The same system in individuals with the aforementioned personality
disorders is almost nonfunctional, and this explains why these two groups of
people can inflict pain without feeling compassion or sympathy. When the
mirror neuron system is weak, we can only feel our own emotions, and thus,
it becomes difficult to be compassionate, understanding, or kind to people.
Electromagnetic Fields
The brain and heart produce electromagnetic fields as a form of energetic
communication. Typically, information about an individual’s emotions and
mental state is encoded in these electromagnetic fields that are generated by
the heart and brain. Research carried out on a person experiencing two
distinct and opposite emotions (appreciation and anger) showed a clear
distinction between the electromagnetic fields produced during the two
emotional states.
Communication between two people occurs on various levels apart from the
obvious verbal interaction. There is an electromagnetic exchange that occurs
below the conscious level, contributing to the scale of emotional connection
that we are able to establish with the other person.
Empaths are highly in tune with this subconscious communication, which is
why they can discern emotions even when they are not immediately visible or
verbally articulated. This higher level of sensitivity to electromagnetic
communication has also been credited for the gifts of nature empaths and
their ability to read the energy of plants and animals.
Emotional Contagion
When an individual’s thoughts and behavior precipitate others feeling and
acting in the same way, this phenomenon is referred to as emotional
contagion. This influence can be affected through conscious or subconscious
triggers, meaning that even when we are not aware of it, we can be deeply
altered through other people’s experiences. This is especially true for
empaths who naturally have a high sensitivity to other people’s emotional
states.
Emotional contagion has been found to exist in personal relationships, as well
as professional situations where people are required to work in teams. On a
personal level, it is common to find that even a young child can pick up on
feelings of distress in their mother, and these emotions can also cause the
child to become troubled. The youth are highly intuitive; they are ruled by
senses rather than cognitive aptitude and, as such, can pick up on emotional
signals that we think are beyond their understanding.
In group situations, the mood of one person (either positive or negative) has
the ability to affect the whole team. The atmosphere changes based upon the
energy being projected by any given person. Such emotional contagion can
be overwhelming for intensely empathetic people. An overload of sensory
stimuli and feelings from so many different sources can be exhausting and
may even act as a social deterrent. The daunting nature of these interactions is
enough to send empaths running. Scientific studies suggest that these
individuals are more likely to be introverted than extroverted, favoring
limited social contact.
Increased Dopamine Sensitivity
Dopamine is a chemical that is released by nerve cells in the brain to transmit
messages to other cells. It, therefore, functions as a neurotransmitter. This
substance is regarded as a “feel-good hormone” and is responsible for mood
elevation and a positive emotional state when released in the body.
Empaths have been found to have a higher sensitivity to dopamine. Even
trace amounts, when released into the body, may have a dramatic effect on
mood. This increased susceptibility to such hormones may explain why these
individuals are affected, to a larger degree, by emotions when compared to
the average person.
Synesthesia
Synesthesia is a neurological factor that connects two senses that are
normally not linked. For instance, a person with synesthesia can smell a
particular scent when listening to a song or associate a noise with a certain
color. In these cases, two senses are used to interpret external stimuli that
would typically be perceived using only one.
Ordinarily, when you hear a song, you do not associate it with a scent or
color because it is only processed in the brain, as sound. Synesthetes perceive
reality in a different way. They are able to make associations between
unrelated senses, such as sight (hue) and smell.
In empaths, mirror-touch synesthesia enables them to feel the emotional and
mental state of the other person as if it is happening in them as well.
 Chapter 54: Types of Empath

You could identify with just one of these types or you could identify with all
six. The types of Empath are how you relate to your gift and how it manifests
most strongly for you. For some, the energy comes through emotions and
feelings while for others, it emerges as having a strong sensitivity to plants
and animals instead of people.
Usually, if you are a gifted Empath in one way, then you will show gifts in
another. This will describe the different types so you can see their similarities
and their differences. What kind of an Empath are you?

Emotional Empath
An emotional Empath is just what it sounds like: someone who strongly
senses and feels the emotions of another. This is not an easy thing to have
present in your life, especially if you don’t know that you are an Empath and
you are dealing with a lot of other people’s baggage and not just your own.
This is a highly common form of empathy and will actually usually be linked
to several other types. It comes with the need to have a lot of alone time and
opportunities to recharge your batteries after the exhaustion of feeling so
many different people’s emotional energy.
You can determine if you are emotional Empath if you are always giving a
lot of your time to other people and working really hard to solve their
emotional problems to the point of exhaustion. People will often naturally
and unconsciously cling to an emotional Empath because of how good they
are at listening and how often they help make people feel better.
An emotional Empath is actually absorbing the negative feelings of another
like a sponge, lifting the worries, fears, doubts of the friend in need, but then
taking that energy away with them, like a garbage collector.
Emotional Empaths need a lot of focused energy clearing, grounding, and
personal honesty with their own feelings and emotions to live in a healthy
balance with their gifts. True emotional Empaths will also want to look for
friends and partnerships that allow them to have a more balanced emotional
life. Often times, emotional Empaths get involved in very toxic relationships
because they are always acting as a caregiver to their partner’s emotional
needs and are rarely or infrequently given the same in return leading to very
low energy and several negative and unhealthy side-effects.

Physical Empath
Physical Empaths are usually those who are emotional Empaths who also
have the ability to perceive physical pain coming from another person. This is
often a way for you to assess how someone is feeling on the physical level
and is not as common as emotional empathy. If you are a physical Empath,
you would know it. You would be feeling someone’s pain that you were
sitting next to, or take home someone’s raging headache.
Have you ever heard the term “sympathy pain”? It is a real thing that can
occur for any person and will often result in taking on someone’s physical
feelings in an empathic way. Some men have claimed to feel the labor pains
of childbirth while their partners are actually giving birth to their babies. This
is an example of what physical empathy might look like.
For the physical Empath, however, the experiences are much more frequent
and involve even the most subtle vibration of physical discomfort. It can also
relate to feelings of pleasure and joy, including sexual feelings, or orgasmic
moments that are felt or shared in partnership.
There are a variety of ways this “feeling” will manifest for the physical
Empath and it is important to make sure that whatever you are feeling
belongs to you and not to someone else, quite similar to emotional Empaths
requiring boundaries with people’s emotional feelings. Some hypochondriacs
might just be physical/emotional Empaths who haven’t identified their gifts
yet.

Plant Empath
People who are plant Empaths are those who are deeply connected to the
energy of living things that are not human. A plant Empath can often “hear”
what a plant or living organism might need even to the point of understanding
the language that they speak. Language is a strong term to describe energy.
Plant Empaths are excellent at perceiving the energy of plants and what they
are here for.
A green thumb is certainly a component of being empathic with plants and
many people who are naturally gifted gardeners will possess varying levels
and degrees of plant empathy. The best way to understand plant Empathy is
to consider how you feel when you are around them. Many plants are very
high in vibration, meaning they have very light and pure energy. Being
around them makes most people feel good and for someone with strong plant
Empath skills, it will be a much stronger sensation of joy and happiness.
To become a plant Empath all you need is to study how they want to be
communicated with. What about asking the plant what it “thinks”? For the
plant Empath, this wouldn’t be strange at all and if you consider that they are
living beings also you wouldn’t hesitate to inquire what their needs are on a
daily basis, just as you would a person or even an animal, which brings us to
the next type of Empath…

Animal Empath
As you may have guessed from the name, an animal Empath has an ability to
sense the feelings of animals. This doesn’t just mean pets or domesticated
animals; it can also mean a flock, a herd, or a colony. Being an animal
Empath will often coincide with being an emotional Empath and sensing the
feelings of people also, but for those who are especially sensitive to human
emotions, the feelings of cats and dogs can be a little bit easier to manage on
a day to day level.
Some animal Empaths spend their careers working with a variety of pets or
species of an animal through veterinary and rescue services, while others will
just live with a lot of pets and rescue animals at their homes, living in
harmony with all of the animals they meet.
You don’t have to be an animal Empath to appreciate animals, of course, but
it is an animal Empath who can perceive the needs, feelings, and pain of an
animal which comes in handy considering that animals cannot speak English
to describe what they are going through. Animal Empaths pick up on those
needs and can help animals through a higher sensitivity to “reading” the
energy of the animal in question.
Animal Empaths are a lot like people Empaths in the way they read the
energy of another and it can be through this gift that you are able to find your
most fulfilling career and living situation in close company with a variety of
special animal friends.

Environmental Empath
Environmental empathy has a much larger scale. For those who are
environmental Empaths, they will sense the “feelings” of an entire landscape.
Imagine a mountainside completely shorn of all of its trees destined for a
lumber yard. Think of all of the inhabitants of the forest that were uprooted
and killed so the trees could be cut.
This is what an environmental Empaths will sense: the pain of the land that
has experienced destruction. They can also feel the peacefulness and
harmony of the land as well and some Empaths will choose their home based
on the way the landscape and environment feel.
Environmental Empaths are also capable of sensing places, not just natural
landscapes. They might walk into an old building that has seen a long and
violent history, noticing the energy of how hundreds of years of religious
torment left many vibrations and feelings behind in the walls and floors.
When an environmental Empath walks into a building that was built on the
protected and sacred land of an indigenous people without permission, they
can feel the strong energy of deceit, deception, and wrongdoing. They can
also feel the vibration and frequency of goodness, compassion, and sympathy
in the walls of a particular structure, that could come from the way that it was
built, or the business that exists inside of it.
Environmental Empaths are often activists for the Earth and her resplendent
beauty, as well as for peoples and places that need a voice to celebrate them
or help them avoid destruction and disharmony. It is often the case of the
environmental Empath to help protect the natural world and create
consciousness around the way we live on Earth.

Intuitive Empath
Intuitive Empaths are a lot like a psychic. In a way, they are psychic and are
able to have a very strong sense of things to come. They are also gifted
emotional Empaths and may even have all of the other empathic gifts listed
above but the main gift is an ability to have Clair cognizance, clairvoyance,
and psychic perception.
This will open up for those that are given permission by their early life
programming, or by a personal spiritual journey that awakens the ability to
see the world in this way. When we are younger, we may or may not be told
that it is possible to see the world in this way and so if you are not given an
attitude at an early age that you are able to be psychic, then you are not likely
to grow up with that knowledge.
Many people find their psychic awareness on in life through their own
personal choices and ability to grow in that direction. Intuitive Empaths will
even begin their journeys as emotional Empaths and their intuitive abilities
broaden and widen over time and with experience.
Intuitive Empaths are good at predicting a moment or situation before it has
happened and are also able to assess or pinpoint deeper meanings behind the
emotional pain of another. Intuitive Empaths are often able to see the past
lives of another person and will even have prophetic dreams and visions that
shed light on important matters in their own lives and those of other people.
A psychic will not always describe themselves as an intuitive Empath, but
that is essentially what they are. They can read beyond the layer of emotion
and see the energy of all possibilities for someone or something in the world.
It takes a lot of practice and personal growth to achieve this type of empathy,
and it is possible for everyone to do it if they are inclined to walk that path.
All of these types of empathy illustrate the reality of what being a true
Empath means. Feeling empathic towards someone you know, or a situation
you are in is one thing; sensing, feeling, perceiving, and absorbing those
feelings is quite another. Consider what type or types of Empath you are and
begin to see the correlation to your life experiences as they are right now.
Finding your type is what will help you identify the best ways to take control
of your gift. You may be wondering to yourself right if it is even a good thing
to be an Empath. Wouldn’t life be better if it wasn’t so complicated and
sensitive?
 Chapter 55: How Empathy Works?

Empathy and being an Empath are different and it is what you need to
understand about being an Empath that will help you realize how empathy
works. We are all highly sensitive people and many people choose or are not
capable of, being aware of that. As a human being, you have a very
sophisticated internal technology that is very adept at sensing and feeling the
world around you. How do you think we survived extinction? Part of our
survival mechanisms is to look and listen to everything that could harbor
danger or offer us safe shelter, food, and an ability to make it to the next day.
Fortunately, we’re no longer living in the age where death by a wild animal is
as likely, but our instincts have remained intact in our brain stems, allowing
us all to sense and perceive what will likely cause some kind of effect in our
immediate environment.
In the case of empathy, as you are sitting next to someone or something, you
are sensing and perceiving their energy to determine whether they are
trustworthy, kind, good, etc. Much of this actually occurs on a subconscious
level and we are not always aware of the fact that we are naturally “reading”
the energy output of another person. It can be very strong when you are
sitting next to a grieving mother who has lost her son, or next to a person who
is angry and frustrated by everything you are saying. You feel all of the
energy with your own sensory receptors and not all people are as skilled or as
predisposed to having such a strong perception of this kind.
Empaths are incredibly sensitive to the energy of another person. Without an
awareness of this gift, an Empath will have a lot of emotional turmoil and
will often feel like something is wrong with them and that their emotional
state is just an unfortunate part of who they are, not realizing that their state
of depression, anxiety, or frustration is the result of perceiving someone
else’s unraveling energy and absorbing it.
Empathy is not as complicated. When you are sitting next to a coworker and
are an empathic listener, you might act as an available friend who will offer
support while they talk about their recent divorce. You will have a very
strong ability to connect with them and sense their pain, but you won’t
necessarily absorb those feelings and make them your own, as an Empath
would.
There are a lot of people in the world who are Empaths who have studied
their gifts and still struggle with maintaining a healthy balance and emotional
roundedness. It can be very challenging to always identify their feelings from
those of another. As an Empath myself, I have had times when I have walked
into a room and sensed the angry argument that happened between a married
couple just before I arrived for dinner. I worried the entire time I was eating
with them that they were unhappy with my presence there until I realized that
I was just sensing their feelings about each other and the fight they were
having before their dinner guest arrived.
If you are an Empath, you will feel everything a lot more than other people
do and it is not a bad thing. It can be a very good thing to help you
understand who you are and what the world has to offer from a sensory
perspective. The key is to know yourself well and to trust your instinct and
intuition so that you are not carried away with fear and doubt that doesn’t
actually belong to your true feelings and is coming from something else
outside of you.
Empathy is a powerful resource for all people and learning to develop your
general empathic skills will help you to connect to others in a more
impactful, personal, and meaningful way. The truth of being empathic is that
you are a supportive listener and that you are able to allow another person to
have their own emotional experience without making it about yourself. You
offer kindness and intentional offerings of understanding while another
person is given space to share their emotions with a person who might know
what it feels like to be going through something like what they are feeling.
An Empath will offer the same support but will actually sense and feel it
before words are even spoken about it. True Empaths are always perceiving
through the senses and will pick up on the slightest intensity of feeling from
the person standing just behind them at the grocery checkout. A true Empath
will notice when someone is putting on a façade to pretend that they are fine
but, under the surface, holding back tears of anguish and sorrow.
 Chapter 56: How to Embrace Your Gift?

As you have read, being an empath is physically and emotionally exhausting,

which can cause you to feel as if you don’t have a gift but a burden. Feeling
this burden is the first step towards embracing your gift. You will now need
to learn how to look after yourself so that you can embrace your gift without
feeling exhausted. This is an extremely important process and you should
invest time and effort into mastering the best techniques for effective coping
mechanisms. Once you learn how to cope and function as an empath, you can
use your gift to better yourself and your environment.

Due to the constant feelings of overwhelming emotions and stress, you must
go to great lengths to eliminate the negative energy that you can attract. The
techniques that you learn should become a part of your daily routine and will
open your eyes to the true value of the gift that you have been blessed with.
Even though being an empath is not a disease or a curse, it is controversial
and can cause you to feel so uncomfortable that you will try to suppress it. In
alcoholics or narcotics anonymous their slogan is the first step to cure is to
admit that you have a problem. The same applies to you as an empath; the
first step towards embracing your gift is admitting that you are indeed an
empath and that you are proud of it. Although this is a small step, it will
make a great difference, as you will eliminate a lot of the stress associated
with hiding your gift.
In order for you to feel relieved from the struggles of being an empath, it is
essential that you get enough rest. The most effective method of doing so is
to set a regular sleep-wake cycle and do what you can to ensure that you have
a restful sleep throughout the night. You should also take regular breaks
throughout the day for relaxation and deep breathing exercises to rid yourself
of some of the stress that has built up throughout the day. Such exercises will
provide you with immediate relief.
Take care that you do not place yourself in environments that are overly
stimulating on a regular basis. It can be difficult to avoid them completely;
however, you should endeavor to avoid them as much as you can. If you
know that you are going to be in an overly stimulating environment, make
sure that you prepare yourself emotionally and mentally beforehand. This
will enable you to quickly rid yourself of any of the stress that you feel as a
result of the energy that you are surrounded by.
Social media and the internet in general are extremely stimulating
environments. It is advised that you often take a break from the energy that is
emitted through the internet. You don’t have to be in the physical presence of
someone to absorb their energy.
It is also advised that you have a regular routine in place for stress relief.
What you do depends on what you find relaxing. You might enjoy reading
motivational books, getting a massage, going to a spa, using aromatherapy or
taking a warm bath.
Here Are Some Helpful Tips to Assist You in Fully Embracing Your Gift:
✓ Appreciate and Honor Your State of Consciousness
Empaths often feel pressure because they are different. Being different brings
many challenges because the world expects you to conform to its norms and
values. When you are misunderstood by others, it is easy to take their
disapproval personal and carry it as a burden. It is normal to be emphatic and
a gift to be in tune with yourself physically and spiritually. I would go as far
as saying that it is essential that you have this gift to survive because it puts
you on high alert when danger is surrounding you or your family.
✓ Identify the Difference Between Thought Consciousness and
Emphatic Consciousness
You can observe the difference between day and night because you can see it.
It is difficult to identify emphatic awareness because you can’t see it. It is
something that is felt and experienced on the inside. Once you can identify
this difference, you will begin to see your gift as a blessing instead of a curse.
You attain self-knowledge when you know when the mind and its thoughts
are dominating. Feelings and thoughts are different, and when you recognize
these differences, you will feel liberated. This knowledge will give you the
power to defend yourself against energetic tides instead of being pulled into
them.
TRUST IN YOUR INTUITION
This does not mean that you should fully understand or embrace the feeling.
You may not have complete knowledge of the situation, but the feeling is real
and you should embrace the deeper communication that is happening within.
 Chapter 57: Empaths and Work

As an empath, you will face particular challenges in the workplace. Everyone

deserves a job that fits their abilities and personality, but you need to take
extra care before accepting a position because a toxic work environment can
make you emotionally, spiritually, and physically sick – fast. So, as an
empath, how can you pick the right kind of job and thrive at work?
ALWAYS ASK FOR A WORKPLACE TOUR BEFORE ACCEPTING
A ROLE
When you go for an interview, ask whether you can take a tour if someone
hasn’t already offered to show you around. Pay attention to the employees’
facial expressions, their body language, and the way they talk to one another.
You’ll quickly surmise whether the organization is toxic. Unless you are in
desperate need of money, follow your gut instinct and avoid workplaces that
contain a significant amount of negative energy.
Pay close attention to the lighting, the noise levels, the amount of clutter, and
the layout of the desks. Ask yourself whether you could be comfortable
working in such an environment, from both a physical and emotional
perspective. A high salary might be enticing, but your health and sanity must
come first. Even if other people tell you that a job is too good an opportunity
to pass up, trust your intuition.
You have the power to make a positive difference in the workplace, but you
are under no obligation to sacrifice your mental and physical health if doing
so is beyond your comfort zone. Never feel bad about choosing the right job
for you.
USE YOUR GIFT AS A SELLING POINT
Empaths are not show-offs by nature, and the prospect of selling yourself in a
job interview might be enough to make you feel queasy. But think of it this
way – your empathic qualities are actually an increasingly valuable
commodity in the workplace. We tend to associate the business world, and
even the public sector, with a kind of cut-throat mentality where everyone is
trying to outdo one another and compete for the best positions and the most
money.
However, our society is increasingly aware that taking care of one another
and our planet is the only way forward. We still have a long way to go in
creating a more caring world but, in general, we are starting to understand the
benefit of a healthy work-life balance and the merit of cooperative working
practices rather than a dog-eat-dog mentality. If you feel up to the challenge,
you can use your gift to help drive this change!
You know that there is far more to life – and work – than status or salary.
Your gift makes you perfectly suited to roles that require listening, conflict
resolution, and mentoring skills. Psychiatrist, author, and empath Dr. Judith
Orloff maintains that empaths bring passion, excellent communication skills,
and leadership ability to their professional roles. When an interviewer asks
what you can bring to a job, don’t hesitate to give examples of times you
have demonstrated these gifts.
WORKING ALONE VERSUS WORKING WITH OTHERS
Although you have strong leadership potential, a role involving extensive
contact with colleagues and customers on a day-to-day basis may prove too
draining, especially if you are not yet confident in your ability to handle
negative energy and toxic individuals. Be honest with yourself when applying
for a position. If it entails working as part of a busy team with few
opportunities to recharge during the day, think carefully before making an
application.
Most empaths are well suited to working for themselves or taking on jobs
within small organizations. Working in a large office or noisy environment
may be too stimulating – and that’s fine! We all have different needs and
talents, so do not allow anyone to make you feel inferior for not being able to
handle a “normal” workplace. As an empath, you may quickly become
overwhelmed by the prospect of having to interact with coworkers, members
of the management team, and customers.
On the other hand, working alone can result in social isolation if you take it
to extremes. If you decide to run a small business from home, for example, be
sure to schedule some time with family and friends at least a couple of times
per week.
Not only do you need to nurture your relationships, but it is also helpful to
gain an outsider’s perspective on your work from time to time. Sometimes,
you may get so caught up in a project that relatively minor problems seem to
take on a life of their own. Talking to other people allows you to take a more
realistic view and help you come up with new solutions.
IF YOUR ENVIRONMENT DRAINS YOUR ENERGY, ASK FOR
REASONABLE ADJUSTMENTS
You can’t expect your boss to redecorate the office just to suit your
preferences or to fire an energy vampire, but you can ask them politely
whether they would mind making a few small adjustments. For example, if
there is a harsh strip light directly over your desk, you could ask whether it
would be possible to turn off the light and use softer, gentler lamps instead.
If you work in an environment in which people talk loudly, experiment with
white noise or other sound recordings designed to trigger feelings of calm
and emotional stability. Try sounds recorded in nature, as these are often
soothing for empaths. If possible, listen to natural or white noise via noise-
cancellation headphones for at least a portion of your workday.
There are also additions and adjustments you can make that do not require
permission from your boss. For instance, you can place crystals on your desk
as a means of countering negative energy and set aside a few minutes each
day – even if you are incredibly busy – to ensure your desk is clear of
unnecessary clutter. If you work with a computer, pick a calming scene or
color as your desktop wallpaper. Frame a photo or uplifting picture and keep
it on your desk. Look at it for a few seconds when you need a dose of
positive energy.
If you enjoy your job but would prefer to spend less time around other
people, consider asking your manager whether you can work from home a
couple of days each week. This can give you some respite from other
peoples’ energy and enables you to take a break at any time. Working from
home comes with the privilege of setting up an environment that suits you
perfectly. For example, you could install a water feature on your desk or play
natural background noise throughout the day without fear of eliciting
annoying questions from your coworkers.
WATCH OUT FOR ENERGY VAMPIRES
If you come across an energy vampire in your personal life, you usually have
the option of cutting contact with them, or at least limiting how much time
the two of you spend hanging out. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case when you
are forced to work alongside them.
This is where boundaries come into play. You need to politely but firmly
assert yourself from the outset of your professional relationship. Don’t be
drawn into petty workplace gossip, and don’t accept any invitations from
toxic people to socialize outside of work. Draw on your best energy self-
defense skills, and always put your wellbeing before professional
obligations.
Empaths who choose to work in the helping professions, whether with other
people or animals, need to remain aware of the effect of their work on their
energy levels. For example, if you work as a psychologist or therapist,
speaking to a client who is going through an especially sad or difficult time in
their life can leave you exhausted, depleted, and even depressed. Be sure to
allow a few minutes between clients or appointments in which to ground
yourself, and schedule plenty of time to relax and nurture yourself outside of
work.
DRAW A LINE BETWEEN YOUR WORKPLACE AND HOME
If you work outside the home, it’s a good idea to devise a routine that creates
a clear dividing line between your professional and personal life. As an
empath, you are susceptible to carrying the negative energy of others with
you. You may catch yourself worrying not only about the problems you are
facing at work, but also those of your colleagues, bosses, and customers.
Unless you learn how to “switch off,” you will soon become overwhelmed,
anxious, and depressed.
When it’s time to wrap up your work for the day, stay mindful of the
transition between work and home. Create a ritual that automatically
encourages you to switch your focus to personal interests and feelings rather
than those of colleagues and clients. For example, you may wish to spend the
final five minutes of your workday in meditation or tidying your desk whilst
listening to a particular soundtrack or piece of music. If you have a friend or
relative who always raises your energy levels, you could get into the habit of
texting them just before leaving work or on the way home.
FOCUS ON HOW YOUR WORK HELPS OTHERS
It isn’t always possible to change your job or work in the field of your
choosing. If you are stuck in a job that isn’t right for you and are in no
position to make a change any time soon, try approaching your work with a
new mindset.
As an empath, you have a talent for helping others. Not only do they benefit
from your support, but you also get to soak up their positive energy too. It’s
truly a win-win situation! Try to find opportunities to lend a hand to someone
else, and offer emotional support as long as it doesn’t leave you feeling too
drained.
For example, if one of your colleagues seems especially stressed, take the
initiative and ask them if they’d like to talk to you for five minutes about
anything that’s bothering them. Sometimes, just offering a listening ear can
turn someone’s day around! Or perhaps you could offer a more practical form
of help. For instance, you could offer to take everyone’s mail to the mailroom
on your coffee break. Acts of service and kindness allow you to find a sense
of meaning in your work, even if you are hoping to change careers in the near
future.
 Chapter 58: How to Support A Young Empath?

Image Source: divinesouljourney.net

You now know how to take care of yourself as an empath, and how to best
use your gift. However, if you have a young empath in your life, it’s
important that you also understand how to support them. Children with this
ability often face significant challenges, but your support can make all the
difference as they come to terms with the fact that they are different from
their peers.
Being an empathic child is tough, but young empaths have so much to offer
our world, and they should be appreciated! Psychologist and empathy expert
Dr. Michele Borba believe teenagers today are running low on empathy. It’s
clear that young empaths have a lot to teach their peers.

How to Spot A Young Empath?

Empathic gifts are present from birth, and young empaths have the same
abilities and needs as empathic adults. However, because children have less
experience in understanding and expressing their own emotions, their
empathic nature may manifest in a different way.
Empathic children usually prefer to play alone or in the company of just one
or two good friends. In general, they gain more enjoyment from talking and
playing with older children and adults than those their own age. It isn’t that
they believe themselves to be superior to their classmates. Rather, a young
empath’s unusual maturity means that they are on the same wavelength as
those older than themselves. They may report feeling distant or alienated
from people their own age.
An empathic child may surprise you with their uncanny ability to hone in on
what others are thinking and feeling. For example, you may be feeling
stressed about an incident at work while cooking dinner for the family one
evening. Your empath child might walk past the kitchen door and
immediately discern that you are upset about something that has happened
during the day. They may well give you a hug and ask you to tell them
exactly what or who has made you sad.
It is important that you strike a balance between honoring their gift and
overloading them with inappropriate information. If you are upset or angry,
denying it will teach your child that their intuition cannot be trusted, which
will instill self-doubt and confusion.
On the other hand, there is no need to share too many details, as this could
cause them unnecessary distress. For example, a young child does not need to
know absolutely everything about a serious illness or assault. A simple
acknowledgment of the situation and the feelings that go with it will be
sufficient in most cases. Do not lie to your child and keep discussions age-
appropriate.

Uncover the Real Reasons Behind Temper

Tantrums
Think carefully before chastising a young empath for bad behavior. Yes, they
might be disobeying you simply because they are a naughty child, but they
could also be acting out in response to overwhelming stimuli in their
environment.
Consider the situation from a toddler’s perspective. As an empathic adult,
you can usually make your excuses and leave if you find yourself bombarded
by too much noise or light. Unfortunately, a young child has less autonomy
and often has no choice but to endure it. In a bid to protect themselves, they
may either freeze up – which is why empathic children are often labeled
“shy” – or they can attempt to regain control over the situation by causing
their own noise and disturbance!
If you suspect that your child is an empath, do not be surprised if they
suddenly act out from time to time. If they are having meltdowns or tantrums
on a regular basis, it’s time to dig a little deeper. Think like a detective. Are
there any triggers that reliably predict “bad” behavior? Take your child’s
complaints seriously – if they tell you that they don’t like strong light or
smells, believe them!
Let anyone else who cares for your child know that they are an empath or, if
this concept is alien to the person in question, that your child is unusually
sensitive and requires a few minor adjustments. For example, if they attend a
daycare center, you should let the staff know that they are liable to become
overwhelmed during high-energy games and might require some time out to
calm themselves down.
Under no circumstances should you shout at a young empath, use harsh
punishments, or resort to abusive tactics such as name-calling. These
approaches are destructive anyway, but when the child in question is an
empath, they are likely to cause long-lasting damage. If you lose your temper,
apologize immediately. Take full responsibility for your own conduct.

Create Soothing Environments

Make sure that an empathic child has a safe space they can call their own, and
allow them to retreat when they need some alone time in which to relax and
recharge their batteries. If they need to spend ten or twenty minutes in their
room then let them, even if you have family or friends over.
Empathic children may require more time to wind down and get ready for
sleep at the end of a busy day. Their nervous systems are more easily
stimulated than those of typical children, and just telling them to get into bed
and close their eyes is unlikely to result in a good night’s rest!
It’s a good idea to schedule a bedtime routine to help them relax. For
example, you could prepare them a bath with calming essential oils, tell them
a familiar bedtime story, and encourage them to reflect on the best things that
happened that day.
Help Them Prepare for The Harsher Realities of
Life
Caring for an empathic child can be heartbreaking at times because their
gentle, kind hearts are easily bruised when they realize how much suffering
exists in the world. They are also more susceptible to hurt feelings if and
when an argument breaks out in their social circle. An empathic child might
struggle to understand why other children seem to hurt one another because
they could never behave in such a cruel manner.
It’s natural and normal, as a parent or caregiver, to try to shield a child from
pain. Unfortunately, although it may work in the short term, you will be
doing them a disservice in the long run. An empath who is not taught how to
work with their gift and handle their emotions early in life is at risk for
depression, anxiety, and confusion on when they come up against the harsh
realities of the world.
You cannot solve the world’s problems, but you can keep the lines of
communication open with your child. When they pick up on signs of tension
and emotional turmoil, whether it’s at home or school, give them the chance
to talk about it. Encourage them to express themselves fully – feelings are
there to be felt, after all. It’s far healthier to teach them coping strategies early
on. This empowers them because they know that they can handle almost
anything life throws their way.

Give Them Practical Techniques They Can Use

So how can you equip a young empath with the tools they need to thrive in a
harsh world?
First, teach them how to meditate, and the importance of taking at least a few
minutes each day to ground themselves. Children are more receptive to new
ideas than adults, and you probably won’t have to spend much time and
energy persuading them to try it out. Why not schedule joint meditation time
each day? This will not only help them develop a positive habit that will last
a lifetime, but it will also deepen your bond.
Second, help them learn to verbalize their emotions, to give them a name, and
understand how others’ feelings exert a direct effect on their moods.
Emphasize that it’s important to choose healthy friends who are usually
happy and to spend time with people who leave them feeling energized
instead of down.
Unfortunately, empaths of all ages are favorite targets for energy vampires
and abusers of all kinds. Teach your young empath how to build boundaries,
to set their own standards for relationships, and to walk away from people
who wish them harm. Make a point of telling them that they can always come
to you if they want or need advice on how to handle a toxic friend or bully.
Practice saying “No,” and use role play to rehearse how your child can
extricate themselves from difficult situations.
Model the kind of behavior you want to see in your child. Do not deny your
own feelings, make time for yourself when you get overwhelmed, and draw
firm boundaries when others try to take advantage of you. Children are keen
observers, and they look to their parents and caregivers for guidance.
If you are living in a home where two or more people frequently get into
fights, take steps to address the problem. Young empaths pick up on tension
in their living environment, and this can result in serious psychological and
physical illness. Family counseling may be necessary in some situations.

Teenage Empaths
The teen years are challenging for almost everyone, and they pose special
challenges for empaths. It is natural and normal for teens to seek acceptance
from their peers, to break away from their families, and create their own
identities. It is normal to experience heightened, turbulent emotions during
this period. However, normal teenage problems can spiral into long-lasting
psychological turmoil for an unsupported young empath.
Peer pressure is a real problem for teenagers. In their desire to gain their
peers’ approval, they may agree to take part in risky activities such as
drinking, smoking, underage sex, and reckless driving. Fear of peer rejection
can drive even mature empaths to put themselves in danger. For their own
protection, they must understand the importance of strong boundaries and
saying “No.” If they haven’t developed this ability by the time, they enter
adolescence, don’t worry. It’s never too late to learn.
Depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems often surface for the
first time in adolescence. This means that young empaths may have to deal
not only with their own mental health problems but also those of their
friends. As naturally caring individuals, they will feel inclined to offer a
listening ear or shoulder to cry on. This is an admirable response, but the
young empath can soon feel overwhelmed by the sheer strength of a friend’s
emotions.
A transparent, nonjudgmental approach is best. Educate your teen about the
difference between normal teenage emotions and adolescent mental health
problems. Teach them how to spot signs of mental illness in themselves and
others, and tell them where and how to get help. Bear in mind that they might
not feel comfortable talking to you, so tell them that you will not be offended
if they choose to seek guidance elsewhere.
If they are supporting a friend, praise their kindness but, at the same time,
emphasize the importance of setting personal boundaries. If their friend is
draining their own emotional reservoirs, it’s time to point them in the
direction of professional help. Reassure your teen that they cannot be
expected to “save” their friend and, sometimes, calling on the services of a
qualified adult is the best step to take.
In summary, the early years of an empath’s life are key to their wellbeing as
adults. Young empaths quickly realize that they hold special abilities. If they
are not supported by the adults around them, an empath can feel lonely or
even alienated from others. Fortunately, with gentle guidance and nurturing,
they will come to appreciate and enjoy their amazing gift.
 Chapter 59: Being Empathic Vs Being an Empath

The definition of empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings
of another. When you are an empathic person you have the capability of
acknowledging what someone else is going through and offer genuine
concern and compassion, perhaps even going through it emotionally yourself.
When someone else is expressing a feeling or an emotion as they talk about
their life circumstances or a current issue they may be having, your ability to
feel their pain is an act of empathy.
Empathy is an amazing skill and gift that we should all try to nurture. We are
all people living our lives looking for hope and happiness. When you share
your feelings with others you are sharing a part of yourself and your story.
What we all want is to feel that others will hear us and make us feel welcome,
secure, and part of a community. Being an empathic person allows you to
have that energy of affirmation that none of us is alone and we are all sharing
a life story together.
Being an Empath is different. When you are able to sense and feel another
person, place, or thing as if it were your own experience, emotion, or pain, it
is altogether another story. An Empath is a person who can viscerally feel,
either through the emotions, the physical body, or the intuitive sense, how
someone else is feeling. This can be a very challenging thing to experience,
especially if you are not fully aware of your gift and how it can affect you.
The Empath will struggle with determining which feelings and emotions
belong to them, and which belong to other people and the world around them.
It happens to be a very direct influence and even if you think that you are just
an emotional person, the Empath is actually someone who absorbs the energy
of emotions into their own senses and lives with that energy inside of them. If
you cannot determine the difference between someone else’s sorrow and your
own, you can have a very troubled and difficult life as an Empath.
Empaths are highly sensitive to more than just feelings and emotions. They
can also be heavily influenced by aromas and odors, loud noises and crowded
places, bright lights, and a variety of stimulants, like alcohol, drugs, caffeine,
and sugar. Whether it comes from an innate disposition from childhood and
early life programming or is gained as a skill over time as an adult, being and
becoming an Empath has its challenges as well as its gifts. If you answer yes
to any of the following questions, then you are probably an Empath and not
just empathic:
1. Do you often have emotional ups and downs, highs and lows?
2. Are you always taking care of other people’s needs and not your own?
3. Do you painfully feel greater world issues, like a crisis, disaster,
environmental damage, news in general?
4. Are you sensitive to certain odors, environments, or foods?
5. Do you react strongly to certain individuals in your life, feeling drained
or exhausted after an encounter with them?
6. Are you a regular customer of any medication that helps you feel
relaxed, calm, or less anxious?
7. Do you have anxiety and worry about a lot of people or situations, even
when it isn’t about your own life matters?
8. Are there times where you feel too tired to see people, knowing that
they will make you feel more tired and depressed?
9. When you get excited about something good in your life, does it
quickly change in attitude if someone close to you has another emotion to
express about it?
10. When you have a friend in your life who has a lot of
emotional drama and baggage, are you often the person that they turn to for
help, even at the expense of your own feelings and personal life highs and
lows?
11. When you are in pursuit of something important to you, is
it usually sidetracked by other people’s needs or feelings?
12. Are there times when you feel too overwhelmed to leave
the house?
13. Do large crowds of people make you feel uncomfortable,
anxious, or fearful?
14. When you are in a group situation with close friends, do
you have to leave after a certain period of time so that you don’t feel drained
emotionally or physically?
15. Do you tend to be more introverted than extroverted?
16. Is it hard for you to feel relaxed or productive at work in
large groups, or in under certain environmental conditions, like fluorescent
lighting, other people’s perfumes, and challenging employee dynamics?
17. Do you live alone because it feels more relaxing for you,
or do you keep to yourself in a situation with housemates?
18. Are there times when you feel headachy, or flu-like
symptoms after spending time with certain family members or friends?
19. Are certain relationship dynamics a challenge for you to
enjoy?
20. Do loud noises make you uncomfortable, to the point of
avoiding loud environments or situations?
You may not have answered yes to every question and you will have already
identified if you are a true Empath if several of these situations rang true for
you. Empaths are highly sensitive both emotionally and physically, as well as
intuitively and so there are certain experiences and relationship dynamics that
feel a little more challenging as a result of this.
The key to embracing the gift of being an Empath without hurting yourself in
the process is to understand how it works and develop your skill so that you
can live a happy and fulfilling life while being a very gifted and sensitive
person. It is a truly powerful thing to be able to sense another’s feelings, and
it is not without its challenges.
Understanding how empathy works for the Empath will allow you to better
understand your gift so that you can control it and use it wisely.
 Chapter 60: Being an Empath: Good or Bad

So, in the subject of good vs, bad, being an Empath is too complex to be one
or the other, and as with all things in life, it can swing both ways. You have
to be ready to live your life with truth, acknowledging your gifts and
embracing them, while also learning to control the negative side effects,
overcome fears, and create healthy boundaries with other people, places, and
things in your life that can keep you out of balance with your true self.
How well can you truly live your life if you are always connected to
everyone else’s baggage? The simple answer is, you can’t, no matter how
earnestly you think or believe you are doing something good for your family
and friends. Be careful of becoming a martyr; it isn’t a healthy place to exist
either. Empaths are often wanted for their listening skills and caregiving
abilities and the desire to feel wanted and needed in this way can prevent the
healthy reality all Empaths need; feelings of their own and self-esteem
without the energy of others feeding it.
Empaths are listeners. They can be all sorts of joy, being outgoing and
enthusiastic and generally bubbly. Let’s not forget the heyoka empath
literally known for being humorous when you least expect it. Their journey
can be one of emotional bliss, but it can also be one of emotional turmoil
since empaths can be weighed down with mood swings galore. This is
because their moods are not always their own. If empaths don’t fully
understand and differentiate their own thoughts and feelings from those of
others, they can have fluctuating mood swings that literally change with the
speed of flicking a switch on and off.
As with the good, being an empath can come with feelings of depression,
anxiety, panic, fear, and sorrow. Without having any control over these
feelings, you can be experiencing the suffering of others. It’s a very difficult
thing to have to handle and shouldn’t be done so alone.
This is where compassion comes in. An empath should have at least one
person they can turn to in the throes of these mood swings because being left
alone can be detrimental to mental and physical health. Find someone, be it a
friend or a partner or a family member, who you can turn to when things get
too overwhelming for you. Whoever you find, make sure to tell them that all
you really need from them is empathic love—the ability to show compassion
without judging you. This may help you in recovery from these
overwhelming moments.
Most empaths, unless they have gone on their own journeys of self-discovery
and self-acceptance, don’t actually know or understand what’s going on
within. They don’t know that they’re feeling another person’s emotions like
they are their own emotions. This can quite obviously lead to a myriad of
feelings such as confusion, particularly if things were grand in one moment
and terrible in the next. Understanding their empathic connection is a part of
the journey.
It’s easier for an empath to withhold their feelings and emotions than it is for
others. They want to do their best not to be barraged by the feelings and
emotions of others. In doing so, they often become reclusive and learn to
block out these feelings. The downside of this is that they can end up bottling
up their own emotions or building walls so high that they don’t ever let
anyone else in. This can definitely be bad for an empath—or anyone for that
matter—because the longer you allow these feelings and emotions to build up
inside yourself, the more power they build up. Eventually, they can explode
and leave behind a lot of damage to both the empath and those around the
empath. This can create an unstable environment, a mental/emotional
breakdown, and/or an actual disease.
Expressing yourself honestly is a choice, but it is a great form of healing.
Cons of Being an Empath
Some of these can count as pros depending on how you look at them. You’ll
notice how short this list is compared to the list of pros. This is because being
an empath is truly a positive blessing if you understand your gift properly.
• You are easily overwhelmed. Wherever there are lots of people, you
can be overwhelmed with the feelings and emotions emanating off of those
that surround you. Sometimes you can be in a room with one person and still
feel this way. This is why it is so important not to bottle things up.
• Addictive personalities. Empaths are prone to looking for ways to
escape or block out the emotions of others. This means that they sometimes
turn toward addictive substances such as sex, drugs, and alcohol. Learning to
protect yourself and your energy means that you won’t be struck with the
need to escape these things. Instead, you will know how to cope with them
properly.
• Media can be devastating. Some empaths turn away from media
altogether. They can feel the emotions of others so strongly that even reading
a newspaper is too much for them. It is a harsh world out there.
• Empaths can pick up both mental and physical ailments that others may
suffer from. This can happen even if you don’t come into contact with the
other person, depending on how strong your gift is. Needless to say, no one
wants to suffer this way.
• Intuition can be hurtful when you know that someone you care about is
lying to you or keeping secrets from you. The ability to know and feel these
things can be difficult, particularly if you can’t prove such things. Try to
surround yourself with people who are like minded to prevent feeling this
way on a regular basis.
• We don’t really have a home. Empaths are natural wanderers. After a
certain amount of time, we can often feel foreign in places we once
cherished. Our intuition implores with us to explore the great big world. Due
to this, we’re rarely ever satisfied with one place, but it does mean we make
brilliant travelers.
Pros of Being an Empath
Well, we covered the cons, which I admit were pretty bad. Now we get to
look at the reasons why being an empath truly is a gift. Bear with me here,
because it’s a pretty long list of reasons.
• Empaths are natural healers in many different forms: emotional,
physical, environmental, animal, you name it. They can use their touch, their
voice, and their creativity to do so. Most empaths end up on a path of healing
because they simply have that pull toward their profession.
• As tough as crowds may be for an empath, the small circle they often
end up building for themselves is a strong one. Once an empath makes a
connection with someone, they are incredibly loyal and loving. We hold onto
our loved ones tightly because we don’t want to let the good ones go.
• Okay, we already know this one, but empaths love an insane amount.
Their hearts are just bigger than most. Being so overloaded with all these
feelings makes faking them difficult.
• That gut instinct is extremely strong and if you listen to it, I’m pretty
sure you could conquer the world if you wanted to. Listen to that sixth sense
of yours because it could save you from potential dangers if it hasn’t already.
• Along with having an extremely strong sense of intuition, we also have
amazing senses. It isn’t only emotions and feelings that are heightened. If you
find yourself enjoying a myriad of sensations with a lot more intensity than
those around you, you can chalk that up to being an empath. We have
heightened senses that allow us to better enjoy our food, beverages, flowers,
essential oils, touch, and so forth. Admittedly, these can sometimes
overwhelm us, but they could also help save lives. How, you might ask?
Well, if you work on increasing a certain sense, such as smell, you could be
able to track down death or disease in animals, people, and/or nature.
• I know we said that the weight of other people’s emotions is a burden
and we’re really prone to lows, but we’ve also got the other end of the
spectrum. We have great highs, too. Most empaths actually have a deep
enthusiasm for life, and when we are enjoying it, we experience joy
intensely.
• Empaths have an abundance of creativity! We think and see things
differently. Our art is not the only creative aspect of our life, but so are our
experiences, situations, and prospects. Now, you’ve probably had the
misfortune of being told that the way you think about and/or do things is
wrong, but it’s a capacity all your own. Don’t let anyone take that unusual
creativity away from you, and let it shine brightly instead.
• This Is yet another con that also turns out to be a pro, but we can’t be
lied to. We are good at reading people’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
This means that we can tell when people are lying, we can tell when people
aren’t okay, and we can tell when people are bad news.
• Empaths can read emotional and nonverbal cues really well. It’s a talent
in numerous places. Due to our good senses, we can even sense the needs of
those who do not speak, such as animals and plants, but also the body and
babies.
• An empath generally has a craving to make the world a better place.
This isn’t a desire that you should ever feel ashamed of. We are capable of
bringing plenty of positive changes to this world, and when we can, we
should. There are already too many people turning blind eyes. Let’s work on
correcting the wrongs happening around us—together.
• It’s especially important for us to change the world considering our pull
to it. We are children of nature. It’s one of the best ways to de-stress, and it
can provide peace and comfort.
• To some, this might seem more like a con, but find that it’s pretty cool
to be able to recharge on our own. We require a certain level of alone time to
recuperate. It is because of this that we are self-aware, and think it’s great to
be self-aware.
Empaths are often looking for balance and structure when it comes to their
gifts. It isn’t easy to have such strong sensitivities and if you are doing little
to take care of yourself in these situations, you will become physically and
emotionally exhausted by taking on so much of the other energies around you
whether or not they are good.
The quality of life that you can live as an Empath will give you all of the
good reasons in the world to embrace the challenges of such a gift. The world
needs more Empaths, especially those that are confident and secure in their
skills and can provide deeper insight and wiser knowing to those who need
that kind of help and ability.
People who are Empaths can offer their gifts in a professional or a personal
setting and give others a helping hand when they need someone to be a good
listener and understand at a deep level what is really going on under the
surface. All people are looking for balance and happiness, and Empaths are
gifted at s showing others what they need to know to get there, as
long as the Empath is secure in their gifts, confident in their skills, and
unafraid to be such a sensitive being.
The bad news is that if you are not able to recognize the other person’s
feelings as being different from your own, you take on too much of another
and you blur the lines of reality for yourself and the person you are talking to.
Without boundaries, an Empath will suffer and it will be harder to represent
the self clearly, or at all.
An Empath can lose their identity by “fixing” other people’s problems. This
can extend to other types of Empathy as well, but the main concern is the
absorption of other people’s feelings, identities, and realities while you are
with them. It can be hard to see through the chaotic energies of many
individuals that you have carried around with you, gathering them up like a
cloud of debris and emotional pollution.
 Chapter 61: Empathic Listening Techniques

Of all of the talents an Empath possesses, listening may be one of the most
notable. Listening skills are effective in any situation and are what help us to
engage more fully with the world around us. When you can hear what is
going on, you can participate more closely and provide a keener sense of
understanding. You can also hear things on another level- things that are
unspoken but nevertheless still communicating to us through body language,
gestures, facial expressions, and energy.
For the Empath, listening comes naturally and so does absorbing energy from
the person you are talking to. This can mean that you end up taking on a lot
of negativity, anger, frustration, and other uncomfortable emotions. As you
start to feel the effects of these feelings, it can make it harder to listen well
and comfortably. The ability to listen can get upset by the emotional energy
of the people around you and can distort your emotional state as well.
Finding your tactics for listening from the heart can be helpful, and with a
little practice, you can learn how to compliment being a heartfelt listener
while still protecting and shielding your energy from being disrupted from
the negativity involved. All you have to do is practice these techniques. As an
Empath myself, I have tried a variety of techniques and models to help me
find the best approach to being a better empathic listener without feeling
drained by other people’s emotions.
You can use one or all of these methods to help you better explore the best
ways to provide you with grounding and centeredness while taking in, and
not taking on, the feelings of the people in your life. As you read, try to keep
in mind that some of these techniques will work better in some situations than
in others. Use your intuition and your best judgment to decide.

Eye Contact and Lip Reading

You would be surprised at how many people talk to each other and don’t
make eye contact. Often when someone is telling a story, they will look in a
variety of directions, looking for their thoughts, their memories, the
information they want to tell you, and so on. They might also be avoiding eye
contact because of insecurity or they are avoiding details to their story,
intentionally leaving out things they don’t want you to know.
You can tell a lot about a person based on the amount of eye contact they are
willing to make. Empaths may feel a need to protect themselves by making
less eye contact and just listening to words. The eyes are the window to the
soul and if you are already feeling intense emotions radiating off of the
person you are speaking to, then you are probably wanting to keep your
distance by limiting how deeply you are peering into their soul.
The amazing thing is that focusing on someone’s eyes can actually help you
stay grounded and centered so that you can be a better listener. When you are
only focusing on one point on someone’s face, you are that much more
capable of hearing all of the words they are speaking to you. You can
perceive more of their tender feelings and perhaps see more deeply beyond
the surface of what they are communicating. The eyes speak volumes and
carry a lot of information without the use of words.
If you are practicing listening from the heart, look into the eyes of another
because this is where your heart can connect to theirs. The eyes will show
you what they are communicating non-verbally so that you can listen on a
deeper level. Words are words, and they will explain a lot, but they might not
explain everything. The eyes register so many different thoughts and feelings;
they have their own “body language”.
With the eyes are representing the deeper emotional layers, the lips are
making the words form and have a voice. You can better and more clearly
hear what someone is saying if you can see what they want you to hear. Lip
reading is a skill that comes with a good deal of practice. Many deaf people
use lip reading to “hear” people when they are talking. You can also use lip
reading if you are not deaf to improve your listening skills.
You may be thinking, how can watching someone’s mouth make me a better,
more heartfelt listener? The answer is that when you are giving your time and
energy to focusing on everything someone is saying, then you can truly hear
their voice, their feelings, their emotions, without congesting the experience
with outside influences, other people, your own thoughts and feelings, and
more.
Lip reading grants you an opportunity to harness your focus and intentions.
You are there to listen and as an Empath, you may be more naturally drawn
to the other elements of the conversation, like how the person is feeling
energetically, or whether or not the waiter remembered your order because he
seemed so tense, or if your car was parked in no parking zone, because you
forgot to check.
Distractions make it harder to listen well and so when you are focusing on
meeting the eyes and reading the lips, then you are truly listening. Heartfelt
listening naturally occurs when you are able to focus and especially if you are
an empathic person when you use this technique.
The next question that usually comes up is, how can I make eye contact and
lip-read at the same time? It’s actually quite simple and comes with practice
as well. Fortunately, the eyes and the mouth are not too far apart from each
other and so you can take in most of the face all at once. While you are
maintaining eye contact you can use peripheral vision to absorb the
movement of the lips as they are talking. You may notice that it isn’t difficult
at all, to see both at once. Practice with a partner, friend, or loved one, or
even try it by watching yourself talk in the mirror.
The opening of the heart to another comes through the windows to the soul
and the voice of their truth. You can use this technique to help you gain clear
focus and attention as you are listening from the heart and keeping yourself
connected without absorbing unwanted emotional energy. Having something
to focus on can actually help keep you grounded, so remember to listen with
your eyes.

Hearing Their Wants vs. Needs

While you are practicing listening with your eyes, you can also practice
looking for keywords that help you understand the person on a deeper level.
Many of us will start to describe a situation and within our story describe
certain feelings or conditions of the situation. As we do so we start to paint a
picture of what it is we want vs. what it is we need.
So, what’s the difference anyway? A want is something that is desired, hoped
for, longed for, sometimes repressed and never spoken of. A want is that
which tells the truth of what we are feeling about how our lives should look
to us and not how they are represented under the current conditions. A need is
what has to happen in order for you to feel safe, secure, relaxed, alive,
surviving and thriving. Everyone has basic needs and when those needs are
not being met, it can be hard for us to have the wants we desire. The problem
is in the question: what do they want vs. what do they need?
Being able to discern these two variables helps you become not only a better
listener but more capable of helping someone resolve their issues without
getting too involved. Empaths tend to want to just feel the feelings because
they are naturally inclined to do so and when you are only just relating to the
emotions and not offering a good listening ear with possible solutions, both
of you will wallow in emotions for the rest of the conversation.
The key to heartfelt listening is to establish how to be present, how to hear
what someone is truly saying, and how to process the feelings without taking
them on as your own. Using this skill of hearing wants vs. needs can come in
handy for this very thing. So, how can you hear the difference between the
two? Let’s use a quick example:
Mary is down and out. She had a great job and just got fired. She hasn’t had a
good job like that in her life and is now worried she won’t find anything else
as good for her needs. She has to make enough for the mortgage and bills
plus taking care of her kids and what they want and need. Her husband hasn’t
worked in over a year because her job was paying so well and he got to have
more time to himself which she doesn’t get to have much of anymore since
she has been the breadwinner. She realizes her kids are growing up so fast
and he isn’t even spending that much time with them despite not working. All
she needs is for him to get a part-time job and she can find something else
and start working her way up again until he doesn’t have to work anymore
which is how he acts all of the time anyway. She just needs one good lead to
keep them afloat while Bob finds a little something to help them with their
mortgage and the kids.
Seeing this example offers several opportunities to understand Mary’s wants
vs. her needs. Let’s break it down, one sentence at a time:
1. Mary is down and out.
Mary wants to feel happy and good about life.
2. She had a great job and just got fired.
Mary wants to feel secure and supported by her career.
3. She hasn’t had a good job like that in her life and is now worried she
won’t find anything else as good for her needs.
Mary needs a certain amount of income to support herself and needs to find
something as good or better than the job she just lost.
4. She has to make enough for the rent and bills plus taking care of her
kids and what they want and need.
Mary needs to calculate her expenses to make sure there is enough to pay for
everything and find a job that will accommodate those needs.
5. Her husband hasn’t worked in over a year because her job was paying
so well and he got to have more time to himself which she doesn’t get to have
much of anymore since she has been the breadwinner.
Mary wants more time to herself, too, just as her husband has had for the past
year. Mary wants her husband to balance her needs.
6. She realizes her kids are growing up so fast and he isn’t even spending
that much time with them despite not working.
Mary wants to spend more time with her children and needs a job that can
allow for some of that time.
7. All she needs is for him to get a part-time job and she can find
something else and start working her way up again until he doesn’t have to
work anymore which is how he acts all of the time anyway.
Mary needs and wants her husband to start picking up the slack so that he can
also support their family and give her some more time with the kids.
8. She just needs one good lead to keep them afloat while Bob finds a
little something to help them with their mortgage and the kids.
Mary wants to find the right job and needs to find it soon to help them stay
secure while she resolves her husband’s unemployment issue.
Looking at this example, you can identify the difference between the wants
and the needs in Mary’s situation. In the actual conversation you may have
with her, she might not directly state that she wants Bob to find a job, but
when you are reading between the lines, listening for wants and needs, and
observing her eyes and use of language, you will quickly find out that what
Mary really wants is more support from her husband and more time with her
children and that she needs him to start being proactive about it with her so
that they don’t fall behind in their financial matters.
Once you get the hang of listening between the lines and looking for ways to
identify the wants and needs of a friend or even a stranger, you are better able
to help them from a place of compassion and empathy, without judgment or
taking on any of their deeper feelings.
Again, having a focus, as with looking at the eyes and lips, or searching for
specific words, can help the Empath remain balanced and grounded so that
they are not pulling in too much of the emotional feedback coming from
Mary and her scenario with work and family matters.
Wants and needs are similar but different and if you are better able to listen
attentively for these parts of a person, you can offer the more heartfelt
approach because you took the time to really listen to what they are truly
looking for in their life. Sometimes people need an outside perspective from a
good listener who can say, “what it sounds like your saying is that you want
and need your husband to help you out more right now. Have you talked to
him about how you feel, or has he offered to look for work to help you?”
Whatever the story is, helping someone see their own truth is a part of
listening to their wants and needs. It can sometimes take an empathic friend
for a person to realize what they are really wanting and needing, and you can
be the supportive and heartfelt listener to help them discover that truth.
 Chapter 62: Empath Friends and Family

People in our life are important. We need people to feel whole and happy.
Human connection is of such a strong value to an individual person that
without it we feel alone and depressed. We have a wide circle of what is
considered blood relatives and the family we make through our closest
friendships.
Family isn’t something that you choose; you are born to specific people and
you gain their genetic makeup. You form lasting bonds with your family,
whether they are loving and compassionate, or hurtful and challenging. Our
parents and siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents and elders and
everyone else in between, make up your blood relatives that you either know
or you don’t, but that you always have connected to you.
We build our friendships from a lot of our daily life experiences. Some
friends may be from childhood that we never let go of; others we encounter
magically on the street one day and happen to strike up a conversation that
never ends. Some of our friends come through friends of friends, of other
friends; others we find where we are least expecting it. Friendships come and
go and some last for a lifetime.
For the Empath, the close relationships they have can feel stronger than
others. You may be able to ignore the challenging coworker, or the stranger
in the grocery store who is yelling at the cashier in the line next to you, but
your friends and family are part of your circle of life and you have a
connection to them, sometimes whether you like it or not.
As an Empath you may feel the intensity of these relationships more as you
grow older and realize your gift. What seemed like frustration or discomfort
in early life with either of your parents and caregivers or any of your siblings,
could have been caused by your empathic ability. As you grow older and gain
more awareness about what it is to be an Empath, you may start to recognize
patterns in your life that you have carried into your friendships that cause you
some distress, discomfort or imbalance.
You may have some friends that you are not close to but who are a part of
your circle of close friends and every time you are around those people, you
may end up leaving strained or stressed and always wondering why you can
never hit it off with that particular person, or why they seem to not like you
as well as your other friends.
There are many ways these relationship dynamics can show up in the life of
an Empath. To understand how your family relationships and friendships
affect your energy, ask yourself some of these questions:
1. Are you avoiding your mother or father when they try to reach out to
you to catch up or talk about your life or their life?
2. Do you have a physical reaction, including breaking out in hives, or
having an allergic reaction, after being around any of your family members?
3. Does your mother or father look to you for advice on a regular basis
instead of handling their problems on their own?
4. When you are at a family gathering do you feel calm or overly anxious,
or have panic attacks?
5. Do you self-medicate when you are around family and not really
anywhere else, with alcohol, drugs, or prescription medication?
6. Do you often feel emotionally triggered when you spend time with your
family and then have memories of childhood that you had forgotten about?
7. When you are hanging out with your friends do you like to show up
early and leave early to give yourself the best chance of avoiding an energy
drain?
8. If you have a friend over to your house do you find yourself listening to
them talk endlessly about their problems or their life without asking you
anything in return?
9. Are you the “good listener” in your friend group, or the shoulder to cry
on?
10. Do you fight with any of your friends regularly and then make amends,
going back and forth between feeling good and feeling at odds?
11. Are there times in your life when a particular friend or family member
calls you or asks you to hang out and you repeatedly tell them that you are
busy?
12. Do you have to recuperate after hanging out with any of your friends
either solo, or from group activities?
13. Are there friendships that you question whether or not you should try to
maintain because of how you end up feeling after spending time together?
14. Is your history with your family dynamic still showing up in your adult
life without any healing or growth?
If you have answered yes to all of these questions then you are likely an
Empath. Many people experience ups and downs in all of their family and
friend relationships, but it is the Empath that takes on all the feelings of the
whole family and all of the feelings of the friend, or friends’ energy. This can
be very exhausting and put unnecessary strain on the friendship, especially if
you have not yet identified that you are an Empath. It might be like a light
switch turning on a big, bright light when you realize the cause of why
certain relationships in your life feel more toxic or challenging than others.
Often it isn’t you; it is that you are capable of hearing, feeling and sensing
what lies under the surface of most people and situations.
There are certainly wonderful people in our lives that may have more
difficulty processing their emotions and need more help and guidance from a
friend and creating a healthy energetic balance is the role of the Empath.
When you are engaging in good grounding and energy clearing you are better
able to help a friend in need as they process a life experience or emotional
upheaval. The same is true of your family members.
It is the dynamic of chronic energy vampires who you live with as children
and adults, who deplete your energy and then leave you feeling unhappy,
exhausted and like you can’t reach the surface for a breath of fresh air. We all
need people in our lives, whether they be family or friend, however in the
daily life of an Empath it is up to you to learn how to treat your own energy
well before you offer it to another for love and support.
 Chapter 63: The Empath in Love & Sex

Image Source: themindsjournal.com

Empath in Sex
Empath sex sounds like something out of a science fiction movie. Two
people, touching palms and having outlandish orgasms just through touching
each other’s hands. But in reality, it’s normal sex…with a twist. The Empath
in love has to be more careful about feeling their own feelings and realizing
when their partner is feeling something different.
When it comes to sex, we are all on edge because of how strong the sensation
is. Connection to another person through sexual acts is about the closest you
can possibly get to another person’s energy. Relationships are already rather
exciting and dramatic, but when you involve the sexual act, you are taking it
to a whole other level
Empaths are no different from other people; they just have a heightened sense
of reading and feeling energy. It can be emotional, physical, and so on, as
you learned about from the different types of being an Empath.
Take what you have learned about the Empath so far and apply it to sex.
There will be awkward feelings. There will be vulnerability and insecurity.
There will be passion, desire, and romance. There will be playfulness and
roughness. There will be tenderness and sweetness.
All of these emotions and sensations will be present in one way or another
during the sexual act and for an Empath, they will feel all of these emotions
as a higher vibration of excitement and pleasure. Even when it feels
awkward, it will be a lot better than the awkward conversation you have with
a total stranger who has no idea what to say to you at the holiday office
party.
Sex is pleasurable and sometimes it’s not, and just like anyone else, the
Empath will feel the intensity of it when things feel off and uncomfortable.
The key to understanding the Empath and sex is to recognize the quality of
how Empaths relate to all people’s energy. There will be a more serious
connection and bond and there will be a greater intensity of feeling and
emotions for an Empath. It can result in feeling more bonded to a person than
the other person feels, which can lead to issues of heartache and challenges in
letting go of someone who was only interested in a fling.
Empaths are naturally more emotional and more sensitive, and so sex feels
deeper and more connected, most of the time, but not always. There are
plenty of different ways for the Empath to enjoy sex, but the best way to feel
confident about your sexual partnerships is to remember to stay grounded and
centered in yourself and not forget that what you are feeling strongly is also
the aspects of orgasmic relief from yourself and the other person, and that
there will always be a stronger energy for you as a result of your physical and
emotional connection.
Being an Empath is a gift and can even bring more excitement, pleasure, and
joy into your sex life.
The Empath in love is a challenging feeling and energy and should be
carefully navigated so that you don’t end up living your life as a person who
doesn’t receive love as much as they give it.
You are so special and all of the ways that you learn how to support your
empathic gifts will help you thrive and enjoy life in a whole new way.

Empath in Love
There are certainly some very common romance patterns that can occur for
Empaths and other people. The best way to understand these patterns is to
describe them to you through some helpful examples.
The Narcissist and the Empath
This relationship is a highly common occurrence. Many people who are
Empaths end up linked to the narcissist because of how the relationship
begins. Narcissists are notorious for “love bombing” their partner and making
them feel incredibly special and loved, careful not to reveal any of their true
nature right away.
Narcissism is actually a clinical problem with varying degrees of intensity
and levels of neediness. Narcissists need someone to fawn over them at all
times. They want someone to compliment them endlessly, even if they have
done nothing to warrant that. They are egomaniacs with a complete lack of
empathy. The perfect person for them is the one who will always fulfill their
needs and give them whatever they want at all times. The perfect partner is
the one who will act as a caregiver to their every emotional need and will
foster their delusions of grandeur and magical thinking. The perfect romantic
partner is the Empath.
The Empath will be easily seduced by the Narcissist because they will be
made to feel so special and like all of their needs are being cared for. It is the
initial “love bombing” that bonds the pair together and secures the empathic
partner to the narcissist and their needs. After a short “honeymoon” period,
the narcissist begins to demand more from their partner and the Empath
delivers because it is in their nature to do so.
Narcissists are very coercive and manipulative and convince the Empath that
they are in the wrong should they ever suggest that their partner might be
mistaken or out of line. It can lead to several different types and levels of
emotional abuse and trauma for the Empath partner.
This type of relationship happens when you are not regularly taking good
care of your energy or are not fully aware of how other people affect your
energy and emotional state. It’s all rose-colored in the beginning, but the
Narcissist is manipulating you into being the perfect person to give them
what they want, and the Empath is naturally fond of attending to other
people’s needs.
It is a toxic match and occurs regularly. Be mindful of how you explore your
romantic partnerships in the beginning. Make sure you are sensing and
feeling your own emotions and aren’t falling into the trap of an egotistical
and narcissistic partner.
Empath + Empath = Good / Bad
The Empath with another Empath can one of two ways: amazing and
wonderful because you are both so gifted at sharing your feelings and
attending to each other’s needs, or awful and terrible because neither one of
you is aware of how powerful your ability to absorb emotions is.
Two Empaths together can be a beautiful and romantic experience. When you
are with a partner who understands what it is like to feel so intensely and to
perceive the feelings of their partner so clearly, you can grow and relate to
each other so much more effectively. There can be ease between you because
you are both so in tune with each other’s needs that you are rarely left
wanting or lacking emotional support.
The other side of this stick is that if you are involved when an Empath who
has no control over their gift and who is always in on an emotional
rollercoaster because of it, guess who gets to go on the ride in the seat next to
them? If your empathic partner is not able to handle their gift and rarely uses
any techniques or tools to stay in balance, they will struggle and suffer
regularly.
As an Empath yourself, you will understand this quality of dealing with other
people’s feelings and energy and may offer to support and help your partner
find ways to balance and feel grounded, and they may find swift results. If
they choose not to nurture their ability to feel and sense feelings and
emotions from other people, then they will be locked in a constant battle
between their own energy and needs, and everyone else’s. And you, their
Empath partner will feel the results of that.
It can be a very challenging experience when you can both feel each other so
strongly and no one will make a change and work to heal the issues that can
be a part of the Empath experience. I have lived with an Empath as a partner
for several years and know all too well what it can be like when things get
out of balance. It is a very intense and challenging reality and it requires a lot
of checking in, communicating, and taking care of each other’s energy just as
much as we take care of our own.
The gift of being with another Empath can be very special and unique and is
worth it to explore the gift of such a bond. The key is to use tools and
techniques to help you stay grounded, balanced, and listening from the heart.
The Loner with a Closed-Off Heart
Not every empath is gung-ho about being in a relationship. For some, the idea
of getting close to another person sounds too challenging and too hard of an
experience to explore. Empaths who have had a lot of hard relationship
experiences as a result of their gift will be careful not to get involved too
easily. It can feel a lot safer to just enjoy life alone with a few casual
relationships sporadically throughout life.
In most cases though, people want to find a loving partnership to enjoy and
this relationship pattern may feel like a good choice for the Empath to avoid
serious emotional upheaval in their lives, but it can also be very hard to
experience loneliness when you are closing off your heart out of protection.
My first 30 years of life as an Empath was like this. I was alone and didn’t
really date anyone at all. I would only occasionally have a partner that would
last for 6 months or less because of how challenging it was to always be
feeling their emotional energy. I didn’t realize at the time, at least not in the
early days, that I was empathically drawn to certain types of people who were
easier for me to reject, as a way to protect myself from getting too deeply
involved.
This is a sign of a closed-off heart love pattern. It is easier to choose people
who you know are not good for you so that it will prevent you from falling in
love and potentially becoming more vulnerable to their emotional energy
than you are wanting to be. It is a tactic used by many who are scared to get
too close to anyone because of deeper emotional wounds and as we get older
it can get harder to break these patterns.
The loner Empath can find the love they deserve and want to have by
embracing their gifts and understanding that they can choose the right partner
for them and open their heart by being clear with themselves about what their
empathy does for them and to them, while also sharing their sensitivities and
needs with their partners.
All Empath relationships vary and are different because all people are unique
and different. These common patterns for the Empath are to show you ways
to help yourself find the best romantic situations through your maintenance
and embrace of your gifts of feeling, empathy, and compassion. Many people
may be drawn to you because of your talent for loving, caring and nurturing,
but it doesn’t always make them a healthy choice.
Get grounded with your energy to explore a balanced and healthy bond with
another as an Empath.
Even once you are an adult, being in a family can take its toll. This is true
whether you live at home with a relative or have created a family of your
own. Empaths who decide to have children may be overwhelmed. Their
selfless nature can cause them to give everything they have to their children,
neglecting their own needs. This can become problematic. Empaths will
struggle with administering boundaries and punishment because they want to
make their children happy. Additionally, children do not have the mental
capacity to respect space. Teaching them young and making it a habit to have
alone time is critical to an empath maintaining their own health.
Familial relationships are different from friendships and romantic
relationships because people do not get to choose their family. Some empaths
flourish staying connected and close to their family as adults, while others
may choose to estrange their family or limit contact. It is not uncommon for
empaths to avoid familial gatherings, especially since most families have at
least one person that is especially unpleasant to be around during the
holidays. This might be the grandfather who is overly critical of what
everyone is doing in life or the aunt who never stop rambling about her
medical problems. If empaths do go to family gatherings, they often take
their own vehicle, so they are not obligated to stay if they become
overwhelmed. A family’s acceptance of the empath’s abilities may also
influence whether they choose to maintain a strong bond with their family as
an adult. Some families are naturally more accepting than others.
How Being an Empath Affects Relationships?
Navigating traditional relationships can prove overwhelming for some
empaths. The average relationship is built after spending time together,
having new experiences, and developing a familiarity with someone.
However, empaths may struggle with this togetherness in relationships, even
those that they have developed. As empaths are deeply in tune with the
emotional vibrations of the world around them, they may be over-sensitive in
relationships and become upset with the way their partner is feeling without
knowing why. Empaths may also be offended easily or quickly become
overwhelmed with the closeness.
A common obstacle that empaths experience in relationships, even healthy
ones, is finding the time to be alone and process feelings. This is especially
true as the relationship progress and the couple decides to live together.
Having a constant connection to someone else’s emotions, and processing
them as well as your own, can be overwhelming. This causes the average
empath in a relationship to withdraw and feel anxious or overloaded. These
feelings, accompanied by a lack of physical space, can quickly become
overwhelming. As the other person picks up on the empath distancing
themselves, they may question them about it or try to spend more time
together, when the reality is that the empath needs to be left alone to
recharge.
Even though relationships can be challenging for empaths, this does not mean
that you are doomed to be forever alone. Empaths can have successful
relationships when the traditional sense of a relationship, one where both
partners are constantly spending time together, is redefined. Empaths must
choose partners who understand their need for physical space to be happy in a
relationship. This is especially true during times of conflict, when two people
may nitpick and fight with each other instead of taking the time to be alone
and calm down before coming back together.
Some empaths have an innate need to heal others and they seek out
relationships with people who are damaged in some way, such as emotional
vampires. Seeking out these types of relationships is self-destructive,
especially when the empath chooses to turn a blind eye to their partner’s
behaviors. People who want to find happiness in a partner must choose
someone who is emotionally balanced and understanding. Even if the other
person is not an empath themselves, they should be in tune with their
empathic side and have compassion for others. The ability to compromise is
another critical skill that empaths should look for in a partner.
 Chapter 64: The Key to Controlling Empathy

The key to controlling empathy is to make sure that you are in full awareness
of yourself and your own emotions and energy. Every day, all over the world,
people are experiencing all kinds of different realities, dramas, partnerships,
professions, and family lives that are in flux with all of the other people going
through life right beside them.
It is our passion as people to understand ourselves and find solutions to our
problems and our needs. With your gift of being an Empath, you can truly
embrace and explore what it means to sense and feel these realities,
situations, and human bonds in a deeper more heartfelt way.
Being an Empath is a great responsibility and it isn’t hard to live this way if
you give yourself the tools to empower your ability instead of feeling
debilitated by it. There are so many different ways to help your energy stay
grounded and balanced and if you continue to practice using these tools and
techniques regularly, you will no longer have to think about or study what
you need to do to realize your power and gift and protect your energy; it will
just be something you know how to do and you will maintain your healthy
life balance and sense of self while you remain connected to others through
your strong empathic senses.
Grounding and Protection Meditation
The grounding and protection meditation will always come in handy. You
can use it anywhere you are in as little as five minutes. Whenever you are
feeling overwhelmed or like you are taking the brunt of someone’s energetic
pollution, you can step aside and find time to gift yourself some good
grounding.
The power of a simple visualization and meditation is enough to help you
regain balance and keep yourself in a healthier mental and emotional state.
There will be plenty of times when it is not convenient to use this meditation
and so you will have to resolve your imbalances with other tactics.
I find that the use of grounding and protective crystals and gemstones can be
a very beneficial and useful tool. Hematite, onyx, tourmaline, obsidian,
kyanite, and others are all very powerful grounding and protection stones that
can be worn as jewelry or as an amulet. You can find a variety of crystals and
stones at a local gem store or online and you can find a variety of other useful
stones and crystals that are particularly useful for blocking energy and
helping you restore your own energy and emotions to a higher and more
positive frequency.
Crystals and gemstones combined with the use of a grounding and protecting
meditation will help you rekindle the personal balance you need to keep your
Empathic abilities under control.
The Listening Bubble
Another method for grounding and protecting was mentioned as a useful tool
for empathic and heartfelt listening but it is also very powerful as energy to
help you feel safe and protected from unwanted energy and emotional
distress coming from other people.
Creative visualization is a powerful tool and has been scientifically proven to
help people achieve their goals. Even famous Olympic athletes use
visualization to win their gold medals. The more you practice, the easier it
gets and the more detailed the imagery can be.
The Listening Bubble can also just be called “The Bubble” and can be used
not only for practicing good listening but for using your energy in a better
way. All you have to do is imagine yourself surrounded by a bubble of light
that blocks out any unwanted energies. This can be most useful in one-on-one
and group conversations, but can also be helpful if you are on an airplane and
need energetic privacy, or if you are simply trying to feel protected and safe
wherever you are.
I have even used “The Bubble” visualization around my car while driving
down the highway because it made me feel safe and more protected from
other drivers. I was better able to pay attention to where I was going and
worried less about how other people were blasting down the highway.
It is a versatile tool and can be used in a variety of ways for a lot of different
reasons. If you feel uncomfortable anywhere you are, in a conversation or
even on the highway, build a bubble around yourself and allow it to protect
you.
The Energy Magnet
The Energy Magnet is another useful visualization tool that can help you
diffuse the emotional energy that is around you. Intense or extreme
personalities that are loud and too close to you, or the unwanted emotions and
distress of another, can all be sucked into the energy magnet.
You can picture it any way that feels easy for you. It could be a vacuum
cleaner or an elephant whose trunk is sucking up all of the awkward energy.
It could be an actual magnet that attracts the sensations you are feeling
coming from someone else’s person. Any way that you picture it, make sure
it is something you can see well with your eyes open through your third eye.
Again, visualization can take practice and it can also be very fun. It is a
unique way to help you redirect energy away from you and toward another
idea or space in the room. You can play around with different ideas and
images until you find the one that is your usual go-to image, and then keep it
that way while you are at the office, handling job interviews, talking to an
angry or upset customer, and more!
Affirmations of Empowerment
Affirmations are the key to a lot of people’s success. Many CEOs and
business elite use them as well as professional athletes and other successful
public figures. Affirmations are an excellent way for you to focus your own
energy and power in new and different ways. They come in all shapes and
sizes and are specific to your needs and desires.
It can be a creative process for you to have the affirmations of empowerment
that work best for you for whatever situation you find yourself in.
You can create affirmations to relate to your relationships, your work
environment, and coworker relationships, your friendships and family
dynamics, everything! The point is that you allow yourself the proper
language to help remain calm, balanced, and secure in your own energy so
that you are not taking on other people’s energy and toxicity.
Affirmations are declarative statements and should be kept as simple as
possible. Here are a few more examples to help you feel good about the
different areas of your life that might need affirmations the most:
Workplace Affirmations
• I am capable of letting go of my work relationships at the end of the
day.
• I am an empathic listener and I am also good at letting go of
conversations when I need them to end.
• My gifts are an important part of how I do my job and I will continue to
support them to the best of my ability.
• I can ground myself whenever I need to.
• I am good at protecting my energy around my coworkers.
Friendships Affirmations
• I am a good friend and a good listener and I expect the same from my
friends in return.
• I am understanding when the drama has to be done and I know when it
is a good time to change the conversation to something more positive.
• I am available to all my friends in need when I can be.
• I would like to support my friends when I know that I can support my
own energy too.
• I know it is okay for me to say no to my friends when I need to take
better care of myself today.
Family Affirmations
• I am connected and bonded to my family and I let them have their own
feelings and emotions that are different from mine.
• I am happiest when my family feels happy and sometimes, I have to let
them discover their happiness on their own terms.
• I am good at spending time with my family and also seeking time for
myself.
• I am connected to my relationships with my parents in new ways as
myself and it keeps feeling better for me.
• I am proud of my ability to be an Empath for my family’s needs and I
want them to honor who I am and what my gifts are.
Romantic Partnerships Affirmations
• I am capable of a healthy and balanced relationship and I want to see
someone who is looking for the same, no matter what it takes.
• I am able to express myself well in my partnership when I am grounded
and centered.
• I feel happiest when my relationships are able to let me be myself.
• I have to be supported by my partner as much as I support them.
• I will always take as good of care of myself as I do my romantic
partners.
Sex Affirmations
• I am a sexual being and I feel things stronger than others.
• I am able to have casual love affairs as long as I know that is what we
both are wanting.
• I am good at supporting my needs and the needs of others and can let go
of my sexual partners when the time is right.
• I feel bonded and connected easily and am able to cut cords and move
forward just as easily.
• Sexual communication is important to me and I value a communicative
sexual partner.
All of these affirmations can help you take control of your own energy and
power. You can live the life you have always wanted without getting drained
or exhausted by others when you use these simple and powerful tools
regularly. There are so many others you can come up with on your own. Get
creative and find the ones that will work best for you!
Energy Cleansing
Energy cleansing is a regular ritual. It can be done every day, multiple times a
day and depending on how strong your Empath abilities are, you may need to
try cleansing at least twice daily to start. Morning and night energy cleanses
are my favorite and there are so many different possibilities for how it can be
done.
You can use cleansing methods that you already know and trust, or try any of
these methods below:
• Yoga
• Acupuncture
• Reiki
• Massage
• Chakra therapies
• Crystal and gemstone therapies
• Smudging (incense herb bundles)
• Walks in nature
• Hot, salty baths
• Meditation
• Creative visualization
• Painting
• Reading
• Listening to Music
• Dancing
There are certainly other ways that you may already know from your own
personal life. Create the routine of using energy clearing methods every day
to help you stay in balance. The more you work to shift and release all of the
emotional energy you collect throughout the course of the day, the better and
healthier you will feel.
The Waterfall
And finally, my favorite technique to block and absorb unwanted energies,
the Waterfall visualization. Your eyes can see things without closing them.
You can picture the idea of a stream of water floating between you and
another person as you are speaking to them. Water is very calm and
nurturing. It is the element of emotion. It allows you to stay open-hearted and
loving, while you let other people’s feelings pass into the flowing calm
waters of your imagined waterfall.
This technique has worked for me so many times over the years and
continues to do its job well. You may find other useful creative imaginings
that are better suited to your personality. The point is not to avoid the other
person and what they have to say but to shield yourself from taking on too
much of what they are putting out.
The more you practice seeing a way to stop the flow of their energy into
yours, the easier it becomes for you to act as an intuitive and heartfelt
listener.
Each of these techniques and tools has come from years as a practicing
Empath. I say practicing because before I knew I had this gift I was all over
the map of emotions with no way to help myself stay grounded and
balanced.
Years of living as an Empath has taught me a great deal about how it works,
how it feels, and the best ways to handle it with these simple tools and
instructions. All you need is a little practice, some good quality time alone,
and acceptance that your gift requires love, maintenance, and attention.
The more you embrace your gift, the better you will feel. And the more you
practice these techniques, the easier it becomes for you to live a carefree,
healthy, and happy life. All you need to do is look for all of the areas of your
life that feel out of balance and off-center so you can examine what isn’t
working for you from an empathic standpoint. The best way for you to give
love to others is to first give love to yourself. When your cups are full, you
can use your gifts as an Empath to fill the cups of another and help support
their needs, feelings, wishes, and dreams. You are here for a purpose! Use
your gift!
 Chapter 65: How to Control Your Emotions?

Living as an empath is like being on a constant emotional roller coaster. One

minute you are fine, and the next your head is spinning in a whirlwind of
thoughts and feelings, and you are not quite sure where they came from. The
good news is that it is possible to control your emotions. You don’t need to
live in a state of constant turmoil. Here are a few tips to assist you.

DON’T EXPECT EVERYONE TO LIVE UP TO YOUR

EXPECTATIONS
As an empath, you’ve got strong feelings. You can tune in to what people are
thinking by reading their reaction, and this can sometimes send your mind
into overdrive. Have you ever spent time talking to someone only to find that
you can’t get the conversation out of your head after you get home? You
spend every waking moment going over the details of the topic and you end
up drawing conclusions about how the person feels about you. Nine times out
of ten, your brain will trick you into believing that they don’t really like you,
or that they didn’t really agree with what you were saying. You might also
feel disappointed that the person you were speaking to didn’t feel the same
level of compassion as you. But you have to remember that first, you are a
highly sensitive person, so things are going to affect you more than they are
going to affect others. And second, people are always going to have different
opinions—what overwhelms your heart may not overwhelm somebody
else’s.
We live in a fallen world; nothing is perfect here and it never will be. Ideally,
everyone should be kind and loving to one another, but as you know, that’s
simply not the case. The reality is that there are wicked, narcissistic, and evil
people walking the earth who can take a life without thinking twice about it.
You only have to turn on the TV or open a newspaper to see how much evil
takes place in the world every day. It would be magnificent for you if
everyone was an empath, if everyone had the emotional capacity to shoulder
the burdens of others, but this is simply not the case. You have no power over
the way other people think, and there is no point in wasting your energy
trying to change it. When you come to the conclusion that in general people
are not going to share the same level of compassion as you, it will make your
life a lot easier because you won’t spend so much time living in
disappointment. You will be able to brush things off and keep moving.
Not everyone is going to agree with you. In fact, some of your friends and
family are going to make decisions that are in direct conflict with yours. You
will decide to go one way, and they will decide to go another, and there is
absolutely nothing wrong with this. When it happens (because it will), let it
go. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and has their own life decisions
to make, whether you agree with them or not. You might feel in your spirit
that a friend is making the wrong choice, so unless they ask you to intervene,
leave them to it. Some people will have to learn the hard way and
consequence is the best teacher. When you try to convince others to do
something that is against their will, you waste a lot of energy. Situations like
this leave you feeling drained and exhausted.
Not forcing your expectations on others is one of the most important life
lessons I have learned. There is nothing more time consuming than trying to
get others to see things from your point of view. It’s a waste of time, parallel
to speaking Chinese to a man who only speaks English—they will never
understand! And that’s ok. When it comes to your expectations, the only
person you should be concerned about living up to them is you.
HAVE YOUR TOOL KIT WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES
There are plenty of tools available for empaths to use in everyday situations.
To make life easier for yourself, you should have them ready and available to
use at all times. If you are sensitive to temperature, light, or sound and you
know you have to leave the house, make sure you take what you need with
you. If you drive, I would advise that you keep a spare set of these items in
the car, so you don’t have to worry about packing them every time you leave
the house.
If you are sensitive to loud noise, carry noise-canceling headphones. If you
don’t have a pair already, you can buy small discreet earbuds that you can
wear in any environment. Carry a sweater, cardigan, or t-shirt in case the
temperature changes. Empaths can find it distressing when they are too hot or
too cold.
Preparation is your best defense against protecting your energy. You will
experience less anxiety when you know that you have everything you need
just in case of an emergency.
SET LIMITS WITH TECHNOLOGY USE
Empaths may love technology more than anyone else. Since they like to
isolate themselves, it allows them to communicate without being present in
social situations. But it also has its downsides. When you are constantly
available online, it gives energy vampires easy access to you, and that is
definitely something you want to avoid. Also, people can post the most
distressing and heartbreaking news on social media. In recent years, several
violent deaths and suicides have been posted online. Sometimes, energy
vampires are not people, but the platforms that you are constantly scrolling.
Do you ever feel drained after looking through your Instagram or Facebook
feed? It is possible for you to absorb negative energy when you spend too
much time online.
Setting limits or abstaining from social media for a period of time can
promote mental clarity and restore energy levels. Set yourself a technology
time limit of 30 minutes to one hour per day. This is just enough time to do
what you need to do without getting sucked into all the drama that takes place
online.
HOW TO RESTORE YOUR ENERGY
One of the negative effects of being an empath is a constant loss of energy.
You can avoid this when you need to. But a natural part of being an empath is
opening your energy fields for the greater good, which will leave you feeling
drained. The good news is that there are techniques you can incorporate into
your life to restore your energy levels. The healing process no longer solely
involves medicine and therapy; people seeking help now have a range of
options to choose from. Here are a few practical techniques that can assist
you in maintaining balance and restoring your energy levels.
Acupuncture: Empaths often suffer from digestive issues and lower back pain
because of the negative energy they carry in these areas. Acupuncture is an
ancient Chinese treatment, and one of the many ways in which it works is
through balancing vital energy. It involves inserting needles into certain parts
of the body to promote the free flow of energy. Acupuncture improves the
circulation of oxygen and blood throughout the body, which promotes energy
production at the cellular level. Additionally, acupuncture improves the
digestive function, which is vital to providing essential nutrients that support
energy production to the body.
You may have heard of the term “chi.” Ancient Chinese practitioners use it to
refer to a person’s energy or balance. Acupuncture treatment is deeply
relaxing. It brings the body’s system back into alignment creating a healthy
balance that enables energy levels to recover and rebuild themselves.
Your mantra: Empaths possess the unique ability to read people with
precision and accuracy. However, they find it difficult to understand their
own emotions. Mantras are short powerful statements that remind you of
your life’s direction. They are more than inspirational quotes that provoke
people to take action. They are powerful words that call what you want into
your reality. Some empaths will not engage in social activities or spend time
with people unless they have repeated their mantra. Here are some powerful
mantras that you might want to consider using:
• I control where my energy goes, and I will not allow others to take it
from me.
• I have the confidence to express what I need and defend myself when
necessary.
• I will disassociate myself from toxic situations without feeling
ashamed.
Once you have chosen your mantra(s), get into the habit of saying them every
day. You might feel a bit strange saying them at first because, in reality, you
don’t actually believe the words that are coming out of your mouth. But the
more you say them, the more you will start to believe them, and they will
eventually become a part of your core belief system.
I love mantras because you have full control over what you say. Spend some
time defining your own mantras. You will be surprised at how much fun you
have with them.
Palliative care: Palliative care is also known as “supportive care.” It is
treatment, support, and care for terminally ill patients. The aim is to improve
quality of life by being as active and healthy as possible in the time they have
left. It can involve:
• Managing painful physical symptoms
• Psychological, spiritual, and emotional support
• Support for family and friends
• Help with things such as eating, dressing, and washing
Ok, so you are probably thinking that being an empath is not a terminal
illness, so how is palliative care going to help me? Well, another aspect of
palliative care is palliative arts, which involves engaging in purposeful
activity to add meaning and enrich life. This type of therapy involves patients
dealing with their emotions through activities such as sculpting, painting,
writing poetry, and listening to music. This enables them to focus on their
negative emotions by expressing them in a positive light. Since empaths are
typically creative people, this is a great way to relieve some of the tension
associated with being a highly sensitive person. Empaths also find it difficult
to express negative emotions to others, so this is another way of releasing
energy that does not benefit you without the fear of being judged.
Change your thought process: Your thoughts dictate your actions, so if you
want to change the way you react to certain situations, you are going to have
to change the way you think. This is easier said than done because our
thought patterns stem from years of social conditioning. When people or
situations are overstimulating, it is easy to ignore it or justify it by accepting
that this is “just the way things are,” when in reality, you should have taken
some type of action. There are also going to be times when you are so used to
helping other people that compassion has become your crutch. For example, a
friend of yours is in an abusive relationship. Every other week she is calling
you crying about the latest fight she just had with her boyfriend. You keep
telling her to get out of the relationship, but she keeps going back. You keep
answering the phone even though speaking to her is draining because you
feel her pain and want to help her to overcome it. But the reality of the
situation is that there is nothing you can practically do to help her; she has to
make her own decisions.
By changing the way, you think about things, you change your reality. The
way you look at situations and your tolerance levels will also change. No
longer will you allow people to treat you as a dumping ground for their
problems. The bottom line is that your mind is not a trash can, and when
people are constantly offloading their issues onto you that’s what they are
indirectly saying. Remember, garbage in, garbage out. Whatever you allow
into your system consistently is what is going to come out. One of the main
reasons empaths always feel depleted is because they let too many people
dump their rubbish onto them. You will start recognizing your own self-
destructive behavioral patterns and adjust them before they start to have a
negative effect on your life.
 Chapter 66: Learning How to Set Boundaries

Everyone, highly sensitive or not, needs to draw up and maintain healthy

boundaries in their relationships. Boundaries let other people know what you
will and will not accept from them. For example, in a healthy relationship,
both people have boundaries they erect to keep them safe from abuse.
Specifically, they will both make it clear that they will not tolerate any form
of mistreatment, and anyone who breaks this rule will face consequences.
Whatever your boundaries may be, you need to enforce them. For instance,
you might have set a boundary regarding text messages and the time of day at
which you will and won’t reply. Your rule might be, “I don’t read or respond
to messages after dinner, which is around 8 p.m.” In deciding this rule, you
are setting a boundary—others cannot expect you to read or reply to their
messages late in the evening. This kind of boundary keeps you from getting
too involved in other people’s drama or problems, thereby safeguarding your
own emotional wellbeing.
Even if you are clear about your boundaries, there will still be those who
might try to violate them. To continue with the above example, one or two of
your friends might still expect a reply and be offended when you stick to your
boundaries. The good news is that if you are consistent and assertive (whilst
remaining polite), others will usually come to respect you for standing up for
your own needs.

The most effective method to Set Better Boundaries

Not all introverts and HSPs struggle with enmeshment. In any case, if you do,
it can assist with beginning by taking stock of your feelings. What are you
feeling? Would you be able to pinpoint the reason or the beginnings of these
feelings?
If you can't discover an impetus for your emotions, or they feel far off or
unbelievable, it might be a great opportunity to investigate which connections
are depleting you. Is it true that you are taking on worry from your friends? Is
your companion irate with somebody, and she vented to you about it? These
might be pieces of information that the feelings you're conveying aren't yours
in any way.
Pinpointing feelings and their foundations are the simple piece of this
condition. The subsequent stage, however troublesome, is the most
significant: defining limits. It implies realizing when to say "no," when to
take a break from a relationship, and how to let others deal with their own
emotions.
In case you're profoundly empathetic, this might be the most troublesome
part. It assists with recollecting that the kindest thing we can accomplish for
others isn't to attempt to remove their sentiments but to allow them to take in
and develop from them. That doesn't mean cutting off empathy or never
helping other people. It implies accomplishing the difficult work of being
there for them while dealing with ourselves, as well.
Probably the ideal way I've found to help reproduce limits is self-sympathy.
Since enmeshment and obscured limits can disintegrate self-esteem, self-
sympathy can take us back to how important we truly are.
Keep in mind; your necessities are just as significant as any other individual's
needs.
Take a Self-Empathy Break
One of the preferred self-sympathy practices is the Self-empathy Break. That
is a short yet ground-breaking activity to assist you with rehearsing self-
empathy in your everyday life.
To take a Self-empathy Break, first think about a troublesome circumstance
in your life at present and consider your sentiments about it.
• Recognize the trouble of the circumstance with a short expression:
"This is agonizing," or "I'm focused."
• Advise yourself that suffering happens to everybody: "I'm not by any
means the only one who feels along these lines," or "I'm not the only one."
• Give yourself some generosity (it's acceptable here to consider what
you have to hear or what you'd tell a companion in a similar circumstance):
"It's alright to be focused and to offer yourself a reprieve," or "I can
acknowledge myself as I am, disappointments included."
Fighting off enmeshment can be a heady task, yet with the correct assets and
the opportune individuals throughout your life, you can have sound limits
that permit you to be empathetic and mindful while staying balanced and
grounded. The empathy of an introvert or HSP is a valuable gift that ought to
be supported and prized. Yet, for empathy to be viable, you need to deal with
yourself initially.
6 Ways to Protect Yourself against Others' Negative Emotions
If I would endure another of those gatherings, I realized I would need to
come prepared. Here are six procedures I figured out how to shield myself
from negative feelings and wash them out once they're there.
1. Perceive what's affecting you.
I experienced four different gatherings throughout the years where I didn't
have the foggiest idea why my uneasiness soared the minute, I strolled in.
Presently, I do. I'm figuring out how to observe where my feelings end and
another person's start. Here and there, you can't miss it —sometimes, an
individual comes at you with unfathomably strong negative energy. Yet, now
and then, it's unpretentious. "Know thyself" has never been more genuine: If
you know where your feelings are toward the start of the day and check-in
normally with yourself, you'll have the option to distinguish when a feeling
doesn't agree with where it ought to be.
That is a good sign; it has a place with another person — investigate and
check whether you can distinguish where it is coming from.
2. Mentally prepare yourself.
If you realize you'll be placed in a circumstance with negative feelings (as I
probably am aware, I will be), plan time beforehand to unwind and adjust
yourself. I, for one, use journaling, contemplation, and perception to help
with this.
That is likewise a good time to…
3. Make a "white light" air bubble or boundary.
When you started working, you had a negative boss. Each time I saw her, all
I got was a grievance. It wore me out to the point that I did not like to go to
work.
I knew about shaping an air pocket of white light around you that nothing
else can enter. So, I would envision that defensive light — that was my space,
my feelings, and I was not going to permit my boss’s cynicism to impact me.
It might simply be a mental trick. However, it worked! I do need to be
purposeful about this one: It's difficult to think of it on the spot (for me at any
rate — right now), and some of the time, the air pocket is little, and I have to
grow it. Yet, it's alright to adjust it and perceive that in a few days you'll hit
your breaking point sooner than others and that it's alright if your air pocket
should be greater.
4. Escape when you can.
I instinctually realized I expected to remove parts from every other person at
that gathering. I additionally realized that I expected to leave when it was
sensibly permitted. In social circumstances, if negative emotions are flying
around, make it a point to leave when you can — or, at work, dismantle parts
from the gathering. Your vitality and limits are significant, and you have to
respect them.
5. In one-on-one circumstances, give yourself consent to set a
verbal/physical limit.
I've done it — somebody begins coming at me with the negative energy, and
I amenably, however immovably, clarify that I am not open to conversation
around then. I may avoid it, or distract them with something different, or let
them realize I should investigate whatever it is they requested.
I have ventured behind my work area and deliberately opened my PC to
clarify that I was preparing to deal with something. In any case, usually, just
words are sufficient. I'm showing signs of improvement inside and out,
telling somebody, "No, I don't have time at this moment."
Depending upon the individual, I do attempt to return sometime in the future
and talk with them — however, just once I've had the option to set myself up
for it. Here and there, I have to get that going quickly, particularly if it is in
the school setting and is with a parent or teacher.
6. Set aside the effort to recuperate — or schedule it’s in.
Truly. That is significant. Others' negative feelings will be out there and
won't generally be pre-determined. They will incur significant damage
regardless. I have shut out evenings on my schedule that state "Sit idle" or
"MAKE NO PLANS." I additionally shut out a half-hour consistently (if I
can) that says "breathe" on my day by day schedule. That is my time — that
is my "me" time to re-focus and re-center around what is me and not taken on
from another person.
At present, that next meeting is coming up, and on my calendar, there is a
half-hour paving the way to it that says "prepare," and a half-hour after that
says, "process and recover." The other 100 individuals might be miserable;
however, I'm going in prepared, and ideally it will be a superior encounter
than the last time.
 Chapter 67: The Dark Side of Being an Empath

Like with everything in this world, there is a dark side to being an empath
and this is the intense struggles you have overcoming dark times and how
you are a magnet to people who suck the energy from you.
Empaths, Narcissists, and Energy Vampires
An energy vampire, also known as a psychic vampire is a person who gets
their energy from your energy. They feed off of your emotional,
psychological, and physical energy and quickly make you feel drained.
Energy vampires share a lot of the same traits. They lack empathy, emotional
maturity, and drain empaths of their positive energy. Take a moment to think
about how rejuvenating positive energy is for people. For example, your
friend set you up on a blind date. You are anxious about meeting someone,
even though you will quickly know if this person is someone you want to get
to know better or not because of your empath abilities. You walk into the
restaurant and your date greets you are the door. He escorts you to the table
and even pulls out your chair so you can sit down. You get a sense of sincere
happiness, excitement, and a bit of nerves from him as well. However, the
strongest emotion you feel is welcoming. You can’t get over how positive
and uplifting he is toward everyone, even the baby sitting at the table next to
you who is throwing a fit. You notice how the goofy looks he gives the baby
makes them stop and smile.
Positivity radiates off of people and it is a light that energy vampires can see.
Once they see that you shine with positivity, they will attach themselves to
you. They will use a variety of strategies and manipulative techniques so you
start to like them as well. While energy vampires are attracted to empaths
because of their positivity, empaths are attracted because energy vampires are
wounded. They have dealt with personal trauma, depressed, have other
psychological disorders, and lonely. Energy vampires go through friends
quickly because they don’t know how to handle relationships.
Types of Energy Vampires
There are five types of energy vampires:
1. The victim vampire. One of the strongest ways the victim vampire will
reach out to an empath is for sympathy. Because you feel so strongly, you are
full of sympathy for other people. Furthermore, when you know someone is
hurting or has been hurt, you want to do what you can to make them feel
better. This means that you will give the victim vampire all of your attention
and do what you can to help them through their difficult situation. Victim
vampires have a lot of emotional and psychological pain from years of
feeling unloved and unworthy. They don’t have self-esteem. They will make
you feel guilty for their actions, even if you have nothing to do with their
behavior. The best step for you to take if you are in the presence of victim
vampire, is to notice their self-pity cues. When they start trying to make you
feel guilty, you need to realize what they are doing and not get involved.
2. Melodramatic vampire. The melodramatic vampire puts most of their
energy into creating problems with you. They want you to get a rise out of
you as this allows them to focus on your energy. Because you are naturally
highly emotions, you become more stressed when there are problems. Even
when you remain calm, your emotions are running high, which is when the
vampire can suck your emotions dry. Furthermore, highly stressful situations
cause you to feel more drained without an energy vampire. Melodramatic
vampires feel better when they know that you are feeling bad. Even though
they cause the problem, they will blame you as this gives them a sense of
self-importance. When you are in the presence of a melodramatic vampire,
you need to be cautious of what problems they are trying to cause. They want
you to become angry because this is an emotion that they are addicted to and
it gives them fuel for their fire. Don’t take any side when it comes to a
melodramatic vampire and do your best not to react, especially negatively.
3. Dominator vampire. Dominator vampires have a black and white view
of the world. They need to feel on top and like they are controlling everything
and everyone in their environment. This happens because of their fear of
losing control or feelings weak. The more control they can assert over you,
the stronger they will feel. As an empath, the best step you can take to protect
yourself from dominator vampires is to keep your distance. If you do find
yourself in their crossfire, you need to agree to disagree. Don’t react to their
tactics as this is how they start to take control of you.
4. Judgmental vampire. Judgmental vampires have extremely low self-
esteem and will focus on your flaws to make themselves feel better. They will
treat you how they see themselves as this makes them feel important.
Judgmental vampires will look for your weaknesses as this is the way they
break you down so you follow their ways. While it is hard for an empath, you
don’t want to take what the judgmental vampire says personally. You need to
realize that they are looking at themselves as they are talking to you.
5. Innocent vampire. Not all innocent vampires will try to cause you
emotional or psychological harm. They don’t want to control you or damage
your self-esteem. Sometimes they don’t realize what they are doing or they
are hurting so much that they need someone to rely on. It is important that
you take care of the people who need you, but if you feel someone is
becoming too clingy, you need to take a step back and assess the situation.
Make sure that you don’t take care of everything the innocent vampire asks
you to do. Help them when they truly need help but always remember the
best way to help an innocent vampire is to teach them how to take care of
themselves.
Empaths and Narcissists
Narcissists are often known as energy vampires, but they are different. When
you are talking about a narcissist, you are discussing someone who has a
psychological disorder that makes them react in a certain way. Energy
vampires do not always have a psychological disorder that causes them to
drain an empath’s energy. This difference is important to understand because
you need to understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a
psychological disorder, to know who a narcissist is.
Some of the distinguishing features of a narcissist include:
Narcissists Believe They Are the Most Important Person in the World
Narcissists will talk about themselves all the time. If you are talking about
your day, they will find a way to connect their day to your day. If they can’t
find a connection, they will become angry and accuse you of not caring about
their day because you didn’t ask them about it. Because they are the most
important person in the world, they are the only interesting person in the
world.
Narcissists feel that everyone adores them and you should want to be exactly
like them. They have a grandiose sense of self, meaning they have an
unrealistic sense of superiority. They believe they are special and were placed
on this earth to make your life better.
Narcissists believe that people should give them what they want. They
shouldn’t have to work for their achievements because of who they are.
Furthermore, narcissists will exaggerate their achievements because they
want other people to believe that they are the best. There is no one better than
a narcissist—at least in their mind.
The grandiose sense of self is one of the biggest characteristics of narcissism.
People will quickly spot someone who continuously talks about themselves
or speaks of themselves highly and know they are showing signs of
narcissism. However, you want to be careful with this assumption at the same
time. When you only pay attention to how much or highly someone talks
about themselves, you can confuse arrogance with narcissism.
They Use People for Their Advantage
Narcissists don’t get to know people because they want to be friends. They
get to know people because they need them for a reason. For example, a
narcissist wants someone in their corner who believes they are the most
important person in the world. They want someone who will do whatever
they can to make them happy, which is why they feel that empaths are a good
fit for them. They don’t become friends or a partner to an empath because
they believe that you can heal them, at least not at a conscious level. They
cling on to you because you give them the attention, they believe they
deserve. Narcissists also use empaths because you carry positive emotions
that give them energy. Unfortunately, as they take your positive emotions,
they replace them with negative emotions. Therefore, you will spend a lot of
time grounding yourself, recharging, and using other techniques to help
yourself stay focused so you can continue to heal.
Narcissists Lack Empathy
It isn’t that a narcissist doesn’t have the power of empathy within them, it is
they choose not to use it. Because everyone should worry about them, a
narcissist doesn’t understand why they should worry about other people. This
is not their job; it is the job of other people. The only thing a narcissist needs
to focus on, in their mind, is getting what they want and when they want it.
Having any true consideration for other people is a waste of time. It is
important to have the word “true” in this context because narcissists will act
like they care. They are strong manipulators and will use certain manipulation
tactics to get what they want.
How Energy Vampires and Narcissists Drain Empaths
Energy vampires and narcissists can drain you in many ways. They can make
you feel like you are always in their presence because they are always on
your mind. For example, you spent time with a friend’s spouse, who is also
an energy vampire, a couple of days ago. Even though they are not with you
in that moment, you continue to think about a conversation you had with your
friend and how the energy vampire continued to interrupt the conversation.
Every time you talked about the charity work you do, they told you what they
believed would truly help the people in your community. While the energy
vampire doesn’t understand your charity work, you can’t forget his words
and you start to wonder if you are really helping the people in your
community or if it is just something that you make yourself believe.
Energy vampires can cause anxiety because you think about what they said or
will say. You worry about needing to converse with them again. You know
that they take a lot of your energy because you feel drained after being in
their presence. Energy vampires can also cause depression for an empath
because they will take your self-esteem to make themselves feel better. You
start to believe what the energy vampire is telling you. For example, an
energy vampire told you that you don’t make a good parent because you are
too much of a push over. Even though your children are young, they will
grow up to be teenagers that don’t listen to you because you give them too
much control. While you don’t believe this is true, you start thinking about it
often. You start to wonder if the energy vampire is right about your parenting
skills and that you are doing more harm than good when it comes to treating
your parenting style. This makes you question all of your parenting decision
and worry that you aren’t doing enough for your children. Over time, your
worry and stress will grow into anxiety that you will struggle to control.
It takes a long time for an empath to recover from an energy vampire. You
might find yourself needing days, weeks, or even months to recover after you
leave the presence of the energy vampire. The amount of time you need to
recover will depend on how long you were with the energy vampire. For
instance, you worked in a local museum for 14 months with a co-worker who
was an energy vampire. You didn’t realize how much energy the co-worker
sucked from you, until you were thinking about leaving your job because you
never had the energy for your work. You loved your job, but after spending
time near your co-worker, you became tired and didn’t often feel well. After
a couple of months on the job, your work performance started to suffer, and
you began to lose interest. You realized your co-worker was an energy
vampire when they became frustrated over their work and started to react
negatively toward all the staff members, including the director. It seemed that
all staff members walked on eggshells when the co-worker became angry.
Other employees, including yourself, did what they could to make the co-
worker happy and “keep the peace” on the job site. After leaving the job four
months ago, you still find yourself needing extra time to heal from your daily
struggles because you haven’t gained all of your energy back from your
previous co-worker.
 Chapter 68: Characteristics of An Empath

Because there is no universally held definition for the word empath, full
agreement on a list of identifying characteristics is also lacking. There is a
wide range of indications, some of which may be considered diagnostic
according to one school of thought and not to others.
We will therefore talk about three sets of indications: one for high empathy,
one for hyper-empathy, and one for extra-normal empathy.

Range of Indications
● High Empathy (HSP)
• The ability to anticipate or read others’ feelings and emotions - this is
an indication of the cognitive aspect of empathy. It includes observation of
ordinary sensory cues and interpretation of those cues through the lens of
one’s own past experience.
• The capacity or quality of sharing others’ emotions - this is an
indication of the emotional aspect of empathy. In includes an instinctive
reaction to ordinary sensory cues, in which the observer actually “feels for”
the observed.
● Hyper-empathy (HSP +)
• The ability to sense others’ feelings and emotions directly in the
absence of ordinary sensory cues. This means that it is not necessary to see
tears or hear crying or to make observations of any kind at all in order to
know that another person is sad. By some unknown, extraordinary sensory
development, you just know.
• The inability to screen or separate from others’ emotions. Because of
the very low sensitivity threshold of a hyper-empathetic person, it can be
difficult for him or her to screen or separate from the feelings and emotions
of others. The empath may experience feelings (originating in another
person) that are completely inexplicable as related to her own circumstances.
• A sense of burden or responsibility regarding others’ emotions. The
above-mentioned inability to screen or separate from the feelings of others
may cause the empath to be overwhelmed because of so many different
feelings coming from so many different directions.
● Extra-normal (psychic) empathy (HSP++)
• The ability to sense emotions over great distances. In other words, the
empath may be separated even by many miles from another person and still
sense that person’s emotions. This is the most common in the case of very
close relationships, but it has been reported even in the case of strangers.
• The ability to sense the feelings and emotions of strangers.
• Foreboding or foreknowledge of an event yet to come. A small subset
of empaths report dreams, visions, or simple knowledge of an event which
has not yet occurred.
Experience of another's pain in one's own body. Finally, some experience
pain which is not their own, but which originates in another person.
Sometimes this pain is related to ordinary observation, but other times it
reportedly comes in the absence of any opportunity for observation.
These physical sensations of vicarious experience can be confusing and
painful; In the interest of the health of their recipient therefore, they need to
be controlled as much as possible.
Am I being Empath?
How can a person know, given the variation in reported experiences, the
range of indications, and all the different theories, whether or not he or she is
actually an empath? Before we go further, a more general point should be
made.
People are different from one another. Every single person is unique, in fact.
So, while most people can see, eyesight ranges from extraordinary to
nonexistent.
Athletic prowess ranges from the completely disabled to the weak or clumsy
to the virtually super-heroic. Intelligence ranges from tragically low levels to
unimaginably high levels.
And each of us has our own, unique areas of weakness as well as areas in
which we uniquely excel. Given these variations, in any ability or
characteristic if we arrange all people along a scale according to the quality
of that characteristic or ability, we will in every case find people who fall far
outside the norm.
They are unusual in the weakness or strength of that characteristic, possibly
in ways which have enormous practical effects on the way they function.
Sometimes such an eccentricity is due to a developmental problem or a
disease of some kind, sometimes due to environment, and sometimes due to
inheritance, but most often multiple factors are involved.
When people observe differences so significant as to affect the way a person
functions, they begin to ask questions.
What is causing the difference?
Can a limiting difference be resolved or compensated?
Should there be some accommodation made for the difference?
At this point a label is given, and some diagnosis may subsequently be made.
Sometimes this can be helpful.
Perhaps the affected person will be better able to understand himself. Perhaps
he can better adjust to his difference(s). He may receive some kind of helpful
accommodation.
On the other hand, sometimes the label takes on a life of its own and is more
detrimental than helpful. Such may be the case with labels like learning-
disabled, dyslexia, hyperactive, attention deficit, bipolar, and many, many
other labels.
Such labels have definitely served their purposes, but they can at times be
more burden than advantage to those to whom they are applied, a fact which
is clearly illustrated by the constant updating of well-intended labels in order
to escape the stereotypes which have naturally built up around them.
So, when we begin to investigate a significant personal difference, we always
need to go with our eyes wide open.
We should seek to obtain every credible information and helpful advice, but
not get too carried away with the label.
Why? Because a person is far more than what can be summarized by any
label. And while it might be helpful to see himself as a person with a small
label or labels attached, it is not healthy for his person (self) to be
overshadowed by a label or for her to be identified primarily by the label.
So, it is with the term “empath,” one whose specific meaning is not yet
settled, which can refer to anyone on a spectrum ranging from unusually
empathetic to highly sensitive to extrasensory to psychic.
A label can assist if it enables you to improve your human functionality. But
if it reduces your functionality as a human being it is a hindrance.
So, before you embark on any path of self-discovery, resolve to keep both
feet on the ground. You are a unique individual with specific tendencies,
preferences, sensitivities, gifts, strengths and weaknesses that make you who
you are.
Avail yourself of that which may be helpful, and leave the rest alone.

Hypothetical Empath
We’ve dwelt considerably upon the possible definitions and explanations of
empath, and we have planned ahead to use the investigation to our benefit --
and/or the benefit of others -- and not to our detriment.
Now let’s see what an empath looks like. Let’s learn a little about what it is to
be an empath.
The following paragraphs are hypothetical but representative statements from
hypothetical but representative empaths.
These are the kinds of statements that people who self-identify as empaths
make about themselves.
“Even as a child, it seems I always knew what people were feeling. I can't
really remember not knowing. I try to stay away from large crowds, because
it's just too much -- too stressful. So many feelings coming at me all at once
from all those people; it's exhausting. And people come to me. They tell me
about their problems. I try to help. I want to help, but sometimes it gets to be
too much.”
“I can't watch the news or scary or sad movies. Sometimes I just wish I could
turn it off. I need a lot of time alone just to be quiet and to myself.”
“I have dreams, too. I hate it when I have a bad dream, because there have
been times when I dreamed about something bad happening to somebody and
found out it actually happened. One time it happened to people I don't even
know, and then I saw it the next day on the news!”
“I can be going along through my day, doing just fine, and then suddenly I
feel sick or depressed or angry or fearful for no reason. I know that someone
close to me is experiencing that emotion. If I talk to my family and close
friends, I can usually figure out who it is -- and why it is! Still, it’s hard to
shake. It can set me back for a few hours. Or, if it’s something big, for days
or weeks.”
“Sometimes when I see somebody else get hurt, I actually feel their physical
pain. Like if somebody bangs her head on a cabinet door, my head actually
hurts, too!”
“I love being an empath. Sure, sometimes people think I’m crazy. And
sometimes it’s exhausting. But I can really help people. I understand what
they are feeling. I know what they are thinking. And I can actually help heal
them. I have a career in a healing profession, and so I have honed my
empathic skills for the purpose of healing. My empathic abilities make my
life fuller and more meaningful.”
“The worst part is, a lot of times I feel like people are just using me. They
like that I understand how they feel, so they always come and talk to me
when they won’t talk to anybody else. But they leave feeling better, and I am
drained. They’re never there when I need them.”
Did you see yourself in these statements? If you resonate with much of what
you read here, then it is possible you may have some significant empathetic
characteristics. You may be at the upper - or even extreme - end of the scale
of empathy. You might have cause to think that you, too, may be an empath.

Check the Indications

Determine whether you best fit into the category of Empathy, Hyper-
Empathy, or Extra-Normal Empathy.
If you fit into one of the first two categories, your empathetic perceptions and
abilities may fall within the range of normal.
You will find many people who best fit one of these categories, particularly
Hyper-Empathy, and identify as empaths.
But you will find others who would insist that, without some of the
indications from the Extra-Normal category, you are not really a true empath.
You may identify as you wish. But do recognize that there are others who
report experiencing more dramatic or exceptional indications of empathy.
How do I know if I’m a Highly Sensitive Person?
While a person with the extra-normal indications of empathy is almost
certainly an HSP (highly sensitive person), that attribute alone may be
enough to account for the less marked (more normal) levels of empathy.
Stated definition of the highly sensitive person as a person who more easily
detects stimuli, perceives stimuli more strongly, or is more reactive to stimuli
than other persons tells us that the HSP has a more sensitive “radar” than
does other people or is, at the very least, more responsive or reactive to
signals detected by his radar.
His or her sensitivity might be limited to stimuli of just a particular type, or
areas of sensitivity might be much broader.
Some HSPs are sensitive to everything, including the feelings of others.
Indications for a highly sensitive person includes much greater awareness of
sensory detail, detection of subtle nuances in meaning, increased self-
awareness as it relates to internal emotions, introversion, creativity, and
increased empathy.
OK, I’m HSP. Could I be considered an empath?
So, how does empath differ from HSP? You won’t be surprised at this point
to be told that answers will vary.
Often in reading it does seem to be a matter of degrees, and yet, not quite.
HSP represents 15 to 20 percent of the population and is considered to be
within the normal spectrum of human psychology.
While there seems to be no official unanimous, objective diagnostic standard
for empath, it seems safe to assume that it would be a much smaller
percentage of the population.
Though it is likely that anyone qualifying as an empath is, by definition, a
highly sensitive person, we have already noted that there are some who
would require, in order to qualify as empath, indications exceeding those
generally included for HSP.
Some self-described empaths would require you to exhibit extra-normal
indications in order to call yourself an empath, while others, even among
those who do exhibit the extra-normal indications, would probably be happy
to welcome you into to their fellowship without such.
In the absence of the extra-normal indications, could there be any difference
between HSP and empath? It seems in that case the difference would be only
a matter of degrees. Or, could there be some qualitative difference between
the two?
There is one distinction proposed that seems to be both reasonable (in line
with what we have already learned) and instructive. It relates to how the
empathetic feeling arises.
The line of thought seems to be that HSP empathy is the product of
projection (perhaps more cognitive?) The HSP “reads” or observes emotional
signals and responds out of his own emotional experience by means of
projection.
The empath, on the other hand, senses the emotions or feelings very directly,
involuntarily, in a way which cannot be entirely controlled.
She may become confused by them or not even aware in some cases where
they originated, because, as opposed to deriving them entirely through
observation, she is experiencing them as if they were her own.
She cannot distinguish her own feelings from the feelings she is intercepting
from others.
So, the HSP empathy is experienced through the lens of self, while the
empath perceives what is outside himself, as if there were no barrier or
separation between him and others around him.
It is proposed, in fact, that the HSP may in a high emotion situation become
so consumed by his own emotional response that he is unable to accurately
perceive or interpret another person's emotions.
 Chapter 69: Understanding the Empath

Empaths have a better understanding of energy than they do the words that
are coming out of a person’s mouth. This is one of the reasons you can’t lie to
an empath—they will sense it. Empaths can listen to someone speaking a
language they don’t understand but have full insight into what they are trying
to express based on their energy. Empaths listen to words, pay attention to
body language, and translate energetic vibrations. They are especially
vulnerable to negativity because it takes from their energy field. On the other
hand, when empaths are surrounded by positive energy, they become relaxed
and their aura expands in an outward direction as their feelings and emotions
flow freely without tension. Positive energy is like a charger—it boosts you
up and refills you. This is why empaths will avoid conflict at all costs, shut
down when confronted with it, and stay away from certain people and places.
The body goes into self-defense mode in an attempt to preserve energy so
that you don’t become tired and exhausted.
Whether you know it or not, empaths can choose who and what influences
their energy—they decide where it is sent and to whom. Our thoughts are so
powerful that as soon as they are released, anyone capable of tuning in to
your frequency will automatically pick them up. In other words, empaths
have the ability to read minds. A skilled empath knows how to protect
themselves by being fully aware of what is taking place around them and
being present so that no one is able to enter their energy field without their
permission.
Once you learn how energy works, it is important that you use it wisely.
Remember what goes around comes around, and whatever you put out into
the world will come right back to you. Energy is like a drug—the more you
experiment with it and enjoy the way it makes you feel, the easier it is to
become addicted to it. Your energy, if not protected, will abandon you,
become reckless, and attach itself to any other energy circulating in the
atmosphere. When empaths are alert and aware, they can quickly recognize
subtle changes that take place in their environment without needing to use
any of their five senses—smell, touch, taste, sight, or hearing.
Once energy has been released, it travels in an outward direction and never
dies. It remains in the air and clings to people or objects, and other energies
absorb it or connect with it. Our energy leaves a legacy wherever we go,
which is why you can step into an environment and immediately pick up on
the vibe of it. That vibe is dependent upon the people or the event that is
taking place there.
Once you realize that your energy is constantly interacting with other
people’s energy, regardless of space, time, or distance, it can become
overwhelming, and you will feel as though you need to get back to yourself.
But this is because society has conditioned us to believe that our mind and
body are two separate entities.
Empaths have a deep desire to discover who they are and what they were put
on this earth to do. The awakening process is an extremely traumatic and
painful one, parallel to the metamorphosis of the caterpillar into a butterfly. It
is a dark and lonely time, but once you discover your truth, you will emerge
like a beautiful butterfly and soar to new heights. It is during this time that
you come to the revelation that we are not separate or individual but a part of
something tremendous—energy and the universe.
You are not always going to be able to explain your gift because there are
some aspects of it that are illogical, and in a world that relies on logic,
mathematics, and scientific studies, this can be difficult to comprehend.
Empaths feel and sense their way through life. They do not need men in
white coats to explain what they inherently know about their natural
existence. People who don’t understand the gift will chalk it up to whatever
their imaginations can conjure up and refuse to believe that such a thing
exists. Such people are afraid to challenge the status quo and think outside
the box; they are afraid of the unknown. They are confined by what they can
see with their natural eyes, and if they can’t see it, they won’t believe it.
Once you have extensive knowledge of how energy works, you will
immediately discover limitless mind-blowing possibilities. You will realize
that your energy never dies and in whatever form it takes, it will continue to
exist. When your life is determined by time, you can become disillusioned,
especially if you have reached a certain age and not achieved all that you had
hoped. When you were 16, you had envisioned that you would be married
with kids by the age of 30. But by the age of 35, you still haven’t found your
soul mate and so you start worrying about how much time you have left to
fulfill your dreams. You realize that you have wasted your time slaving away
in a job that you don’t like, or that you have married the wrong person and
allowed your soulmate to slip through your fingers.
In reality, time doesn’t exist. The universe has no regard for it. Man created
time, and we have structured our lives around it. If time was abolished, there
would be mayhem because people wouldn’t know what to do with
themselves. When we get to a certain age and our bodies start to decay, we
assume that time is running out. But even when our bodies have returned to
dust, our energy will continue to travel throughout the universe—there is no
beginning and no end. We existed before we took residence on earth in a
human body, and we will continue to exist when this body disintegrates.
Physically and mentally, empaths are different. Our bodies are porous, so
they absorb energy into their muscles, organs, and tissues. This means that
you feel other people’s pain, distress, suffering, and depression. You can feel
every negative emotion even though they don’t belong to you, which can
have a detrimental effect on your health. On the other hand, you can quickly
get in tune with other people’s love, happiness, and vitality, which is a
fantastic feeling. Empaths feel exhausted when they are surrounded by toxic
people, witnessing arguments, violence, and hearing too much noise makes
empaths feel physically ill.
Empaths can also feel other people’s physical pain and pick up the same
symptoms as if they had the illness. This is one of the reasons they find it
difficult to work in hospitals. You might find that your mood changes when
you get on a bus and sit next to someone who is depressed or anxious. Or you
can walk into a store feeling happy or even neutral, but leave feeling tense
and exhausted, or even with aches and pains in your body because you have
been exposed to the whirlwind of chaos that usually takes place in a store
with the bright lights, loud speakers, and crowds of people. There are certain
environments that are simply not conducive for empaths.
To survive as an empath, it’s crucial to learn how to ground yourself in
overstimulating situations and protect yourself against other people’s
negative energy.
 Chapter 70: Empaths and Other People

An empath is a person who is able to connect with other people in a very

deep way, on an energetic level. Such a person is able to perceive the
negative or positive energies of other people even without interacting with
them physically. You cannot train or learn to be an empath. You’re either
born an empath or you’re not. So, if you have this gift there is no undoing it
and if you’re not born with it then you cannot acquire it with any artificial
means. However, you can glean a lot of valuable characteristics from
empaths in your close circles and learn to deal better with them should you
spot one.
Being an empath is natural; there is no way that you can escape it. You will
be able to echo other people’s feelings and energy even without knowing the
source of these energies. It is like having many emotional burdens dumped on
you and eventually, you will feel totally drained because you will have used a
lot of your energy to deal with these negative emotions emanating from other
people.
When you find yourself feeling quite intuitive and sensitive to the needs of
other people, you often feel fatigued at the end of the day. You feel this
natural urge to carry other people’s pain and burdens. As the saying goes,
“Heavy is the head that wears the crown.” Such people possess gifts like deep
connection and clear observation. When you are an empath, you learn to trust
your feelings 100%. You believe your feelings because they have never let
you down. If they tell you something is wrong, then it is wrong!
But … are you really an empath?
At some point in your life, you might be aware of your introvert traits but
also have this huge urge to create a big impact on thousands of people. You
always feel that you have this great message that you want to pass on. This
experience might not be clear to you because you do not know that you are an
empath. If you have a feeling, a great calling to change people’s lives, you
cannot resist this feeling because obviously, it is much bigger than you.
How can you know that you are an empath?
You daydream a lot – You know that you are an empath when you are strong
and courageous in areas like visions and prophecy. You feel great connection
to the feelings of others. Since such life experiences require safety, the only
refuge you find is in your dream world. For instance, you can dream fighting
for the rights of the vulnerable in your society, saving their lives and making
heroic speeches. Unlike other people’s dreams, yours will feel much more
real.
You experience strong visions - Your thinking capacity will always be big.
For instance, your focus will be on complex duties and you will be excited by
organized areas. You always think about the bigger picture, and you puzzle
about why things are the way they are. This means you are ready to overcome
all odds like suffering emotionally with the rest of the people in the world.
Due to these visions, most of which you will never achieve anyway, you
cannot stand any injustice people due to the ones who cannot fight for their
rights.
You detest being in public spaces – Public spaces make you feel strained,
give you migraines and endless fatigue. You would rather stay isolated and
enclosed at home. You have noticed that all the time when you go out in
public spaces you go back home strained, fatigued or overwhelmed. In fact,
you have started feeling that would like to avoid public spaces altogether.
Well, that is because you are an empath. As such, you have been absorbing
all of their negative emotions like a sponge would absorb water.
Because of the many negative energies reverberating from all the people in
the public spaces like malls, beaches etc., you absorb all of them and you feel
so overwhelmed. Thus, you tend to avoid public spaces because they make
you feel depressed.
You struggle with self-care - You know that you should take care of yourself
while at the same time taking care of others. You have been too busy fixing
other people and you have no time to fix yourself. It happens to empaths.
Every waking day is about other people and their pain. That leads to self-
negligence! And you think it is not right to care too much about other people.
This is a fight between the introvert inside and the extrovert outside.

What does it feel like to be an Empath?

If you happen to be an empath yourself, then it’s most likely that this is a
feeling that you have been living with since your childhood. However, if you
are not sure of your emotions or feelings then this will help you identify
whether you are an empath. Let’s understand the perspective of an empath
looking out into the world.
You step into other people’s shoes and stay there
In most cases, you find yourself getting into other people’s emotions without
any turbulence. Empathy means being very sensitive, understanding and
experiencing the thoughts and feelings of others. However, being an empath
means being sensitive to the feelings of other people even without them
telling you what they are experiencing themselves.
In simple words, being an empath is like stepping into another person’s shoes
involuntarily. Nevertheless, that does not mean that you have supernatural
powers to read people’s deeper feelings, experiences and their life situations.
It just means that you are an empath.
Insignificant things make you tear up
Let us say you are reading, watching news, or listening to a sad personal
story. This alone can make your tears start rolling easily. Your empath power
makes you connect with that emotion of sadness at a visceral level. When
you start searching for reasons as to why things are the way they are, you
seem to get emotional responses. You will normally end up with answers
about the origin of your own emotions. This can often help you move on and
concentrate on other aspects of life and relationships.
You are very passionate
Your strong passion makes it easy to feel very emotional. Have you ever seen
a person participate in an activity like helping people and wondered where
their energy comes from? You could be in a group or dealing with specific
individuals and, as an empath, you normally put your 100% effort into
everything you do for others. You believe that your effort will change
someone’s life for the better. Your feelings of service to others are always
deep.
You have very deep feelings
In response to a certain event, if you compare your emotions with those of
your peers, you will often find that yours are more heightened than theirs.
You have no idea whether it’s a curse or a blessing. Somehow you feel
you’re tapping into a different level of consciousness. However, people
realize the deep care that you have for them even without expressing it. At
times, apathy simplifies your life but is quite tiring in case you experience
strong feelings. For instance, your insomnia becomes worse and your mood
plunges but when you listen to sad music all of that loosens you up.
You feel the physical pain that other people go through
When you go near people that are ill or look at those with severe injuries, you
normally feel their physical pain. It is like feeling the tremors before an
earthquake. On the other hand, you keep having panic attacks simply because
a person close to you is anxious. You normally cry when you see someone
suffer and it is as if you are experiencing his or her pain firsthand. You have
always felt this way since childhood, only that you did not know the name for
it. The most amazing thing is that people do not have to tell you what they are
going through or what they have been through. Their energy simply reaches
out to you and you feel their pain and emotion automatically, as if you are
connected to them.
This is not abnormal or dysfunctional. What you possess is a very strong
intuition that enables you to connect deeply with and to people. Even if you
fly to another country, you will still experience the same. There is no
escaping this reality. Whether it’s a curse or blessing depends on how you
look at it. You have now learned how empaths feel and that will help you
know if you are one. If you’re getting indications that you are one, then don’t
worry about it. Just realize that being an empath has its own perks once you
learn how to handle your energies.

Step by step instructions to Handle Other People's

Bad Moods like a Pro
What follows are five explicit aptitudes I've discovered that help me to
adequately and consciously handle others' troublesome feelings.
If you can figure out how to develop them, these aptitudes will assist you
with keeping your cool in each relationship in your life, particularly the most
significant ones — like spouses, supervisors, guardians, partners, and
children.
1. Treat Strong Emotion as a Puzzle, Not a Problem
At the point when somebody near us is wracked with tension, overpowered
by sadness, or just staggeringly disappointed, it's normal to consider there to
be an issue — something to be dealt with and settled rapidly. That is the
reason we so regularly go to advice-giving when individuals we care about
are upset.
2. Attempt Some Reverse Empathy
Empathy is simply the demonstration of looking from someone else's point of
view and attempting to envision what it must be like to live in their skin —
with their considerations, sentiments, encounters, and conditions.
And keeping in mind that empathy is significant expertise to develop for a
wide range of reasons, there's a rendition of it that is particularly useful for
overseeing others' bad moods. I call it to inverted empathy.
Turn around empathy: as opposed to imagining another person's perspective,
attempt to recollect when you wore a similar shoe.
As it were, attempt to recall when you battled along these lines and with a
comparable arrangement of troublesome feelings and state of mind.
3. Be a Mirror, Not a Mechanic
Without a doubt, the main slip-up I see individuals (particularly couples)
make in their communication with one another is that they stall out in "Fix-it
Mode."
However, stop and think for a minute:
A great many people struggling emotionally doesn’t need somebody to fix
their agony; they went to feel understood.
Bake that into your brain, since it's one of the most unreasonable yet all
around obvious laws of human brain research I can consider. Also, when you
truly trust it and begin acting in like manner, everyone begins feeling much
improved.
Things being what they are, how would we escape a Fix-it mentality and
begin helping individuals feel heard? The ideal path is to practice a technique
called Reflective Listening.
4. Approve Your Own Emotions
Perhaps the hardest thing about others' terrible states of mind is the feelings
they will, in general, work up in us.
• Our spouse is miserable and melancholic, and we get disappointed.
• Our boss is anxious and oppressive, which causes us to feel on edge as
well.
• Our parent is angry and irritable, and we react with negativity and
sarcasm.
The difficulty is, when we're deep into our very own winding negative
feeling, it's difficult to have enough mental and emotional bandwidth transfer
capacity to explore our state of mind and that of another person. That is the
reason we frequently respond to others' awful states of mind in a manner that
isn't useful to them, us, or the relationship.
The arrangement is to improve at seeing and dealing with our own passionate
reactions early, so they don't expand wildly. Furthermore, the most ideal way
I am aware of to do that is through a procedure called validation.
5. Clarify Your Responsibility
A typical trap I see individuals make when attempting to manage others'
awful temperaments is to overextend their obligation to that individual to
incorporate how they feel.
Let me unload that a bit:
• We must be answerable for things that we can control.
• Feelings, by their very nature, are not straightforwardly heavily
influenced by us.
• Since we can't control feelings straightforwardly, we're not answerable
for them — either our own or those of others.
• In any case, we are answerable for our activities — for how we decide
to carry on and think.
• At the point when we accept accountability for things outside our
ability to control, we set ourselves up for superfluous dissatisfaction,
frustration, and disdain.
 Chapter 71: Developing Your Empath Skills

Listening
When it comes to communication, empaths are good at picking up on the true
emotions of people by reading their body language, using their intuition, and
sensing the feelings of the other person. By soaking up the energy and
thoughts of others, a sensitive individual is able to deduce energies that may
not be apparent to everyone else. This makes it easy for them to understand
the needs of others and their feelings.
Empaths have an innate need to try and make things better and fix problems
for other people. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, it may interfere
with the ability to listen to others because we become so focused on giving
advice and making suggestions, we forget to let the other person express
themselves. It can take effort to avoid jumping in with ideas and suggestions
when people are sharing their views with you. This tendency can hinder
effective communication, so empathic individuals need to learn to listen and
listen with boundaries.
Good listening with boundaries.
Strategies to improve your empathic listening skills include:
➢ The LSF technique.
The LSF technique refers to Listening, Summarizing, and Follow-up. Using
this formula will help you to really understand and internalize what the other
person is saying. The first step is listening, where you give the other person
the time and space to express themselves. Try not to interrupt, and just take in
what they are saying. The second step is summarizing in your mind the
information the person is giving you. The next part involves paraphrasing and
repeating what you have heard to the person so that they can recognize that
you have understood their point. Take note of the person’s body language
when they are communicating, as this will provide further insight into how
they are feeling.
➢ Use open-ended questions to prod and prompt.
We learn more when we are listening than when we are talking. Prompting
and prodding the other person with open-ended questions that go beyond a
yes or no answer are bound to get you more information than simply listening
without seeking clarification. Using questions such as “How did that make
you feel?” or “What do you suggest we do about that?” are examples of true
empathic listening.
➢ Refrain from making suggestions or offering advice.
As an empath, your natural instinct is to jump in with a solution and fix the
problem. Resist this urge and just listen to the other person while questioning
them for their ideas and suggestions. Do not feel the need to take on the
situation solely and give the other person time to come to a conclusion. If
they really need your help, they will ask for it.
➢ Be patient.
Empathic listening entails giving the other person sufficient time to express
their views. Doing so requires patience. When you rush or pressure the
person, they will become anxious and will lose the ability to express
themselves clearly. Patience puts the other person at ease and enables them to
open up to you without reservations. Even when you are tempted to interrupt
with your own opinion, hold on to your thoughts and let the other person
finish making their point. When you show people respect, they are bound to
reciprocate when it is your turn to express your view on the situation at hand.
➢ Understand the power of silence.
Silence in a conversation will allow the individuals involved time to reflect
and internalize what has been said. As much as quietness can be
uncomfortable or awkward, resist the urge to fill every pause with words.
Sometimes stillness can speak volumes.
Empathic listening is a useful skill in both professional and personal
communication. In the workplace, people have diverse views, and taking the
time to understand and listen to your colleagues’ points of view is not only a
sign of respect but also fosters good working relationships. Realize that
everybody’s perspective is important and, therefore, has a right to be heard.
In personal settings, empathic listening will help you understand where your
partner is coming from and what their needs are. Compassion may drive you
to try and fix everybody’s issues but learning to take in information will help
you in detaching and establishing a filter for other people’s problems. When
you practice active listening, you give the other person the chance to come to
their own conclusion and come up with a solution.

Empowering a Person While Empowering Yourself

As an empath, you are compassionate and giving. You want to make
everyone around you feel better. The one thing we forget is to take care of
ourselves as well. Your gifts should empower you just as often as you use
them to help others. It is impossible to pour from an empty cup as the cliché
goes, meaning that you must first be kind to yourself before you can offer
yourself to another person. Loving yourself is imperative and should be your
first priority, before trying to love another.
Strategies for Empowering yourself;
1. Self-awareness – take time to know your needs and feelings. It is easy
to get lost in other people’s desires. You have an internal drive to make
everyone else happy. Find out what your own passions are and what fulfills
you; find a way to pursue your own goals. The more satisfied you are as a
person, the better you will be in your work, relationships, and other roles.
2. Lean into your intuition – it might be tempting to suppress your
empathic sensitivities in order to conform to other people’s expectations or fit
in. Your keen Intuition and ability to sense things are gifts that you should
utilize for your own good and the betterment of others. Trust your gifts and
use them as a path to the inner wisdom you are capable of possessing through
your compassion.
3. Find the right job - Your career will play a big role in you achieving
your desires and emotional fulfillment. Empaths are born to nurture and heal.
Therefore, do not go against your natural abilities or passions. For instance, if
you are an animal empath, working in a profession that enables you to work
with wildlife will allow you to fully tap into your compassionate gifts and
provide you with so much more satisfaction than being stuck behind a desk
somewhere.
4. Surround yourself with positive things - Picture yourself as a sponge
that will soak up whatever is in its environment. Empaths are hypersensitive
to external emotions and energy and, therefore, whatever it is you expose
yourself to will impact your mental state. Positive people and environments
will have an uplifting effect on you. Avoid negative Nancy’s and keep your
feelings on the positive side to avoid picking up other people’s stress and
anxiety.
5. Rejuvenate and recharge - As an empath, we are bound to experience
emotional and sensory overload from time to time. De-stressing and taking
time away from emotional and sensory triggers will help you stay balanced
so that you can reduce overstimulation. There is no limit to the number of
things you can do to rest and refresh. For some, stillness and time alone work
to solve these issues. Yoga and meditation can be strong allies in the quest to
relax and unwind. Find what works for you and make it part of a routine that
will give you an outlet when energy becomes overwhelming.
Empowering other people comes naturally to the empath, we are inclined to
be compassionate and considerate of others. You can use your gifts to
empower other people by:
1) Compassion - Your ability to sense and understand other people’s
feelings and needs means that, as an empath, you are uniquely qualified to
help those who are in need. You have a talent when it comes to sensing
people’s distress even when other people cannot do so. You can use these
gifts to reach out and offer support to those who are hurting, in pain, or just
need someone to listen to them. Empathic individuals make the best friends
and companions because their natural intuition gives them insight into other
people’s emotions.
2) Intuition. - Your intuition is a tool that can help you foresee things that
might happen, and you can use this information to guide others. In the same
way, your sixth sense helps you to avoid trouble and detect possibly
dangerous situations, and you can use this to help those around you in
avoiding disaster and damaging decisions.
3) Creativity - Empaths are great at coming up with ideas that other people
may not be able to. This is because they are emotionally driven; they have a
unique way of looking at tasks and obstacles. Your creativity as an empathic
individual will be a great asset in the workplace and in coming up with
innovative solutions to people’s problems. The key is to trust yourself and to
not be afraid of speaking up and putting your ideas into action.

Grounding, Clearing and Realizing

Empaths need to maintain an emotional balance to enable them to avoid
getting overwhelmed by feelings and hypersensitivities. There are several
ways to achieve harmony in your mental state. Most of these techniques are
centered around limiting external energies and focusing inwards. Grounding
is one such method that can help an empathic individual feel evenly
distributed and in control of their emotions.
Grounding helps you feel connected to the earth. By touching the soil with
your feet, your release your pent-up emotions and stress and take in the
planet’s healing energy through your soles and this healing then travels up
your body. Scientifically, establishing contact with the earth has been proven
to have a calming effect on the nervous system.
The best way to experience grounding is by walking barefoot in a natural
environment. Your feet should be in direct contact with the earth, whether
you will be standing on a patch of grass or just walking barefoot in nature.
Many reflexology and acupuncture spots are found on our feet meaning that
they are an effective pathway for releasing stress. When you walk with no
shoes, you are inadvertently activating these reflexology points and allowing
the release of pent up emotions.
You can also achieve the balancing effect of grounding through
visualization.
When emotions become overwhelming or you are experiencing a sensory
overload, take time to recharge and shut down sensory input. Find a quiet and
isolated place, then just use a simple breathing technique as a way of
focusing your attention inward. Taking deep breaths and feeling the breath
enter and leave your body will help clear your mind.
Once you achieve tranquility, visualize yourself as anchored to the ground by
your feet. Picture negative energy leaving your body through your soles and
the healing energy of the earth imbuing your being. This visualization
technique will enable you to feel grounded regardless of where you are. It
comes in handy when you are not able to go out into nature.
When it comes to clearing, the following techniques will help in getting rid of
negative energy and cleansing yourself of negative emotions.
➢ Use journaling, music, or painting -express and process your emotions
through art.
➢ Sever the cord to the negative energy -avoid or get rid of the negative
energy by cutting the relationship off.
➢ Create a safe space for yourself where you can express your emotions
freely.
➢ Spend time in nature.
➢ Detox using water – baths are a great way to relax and destress
➢ Plan alone time to rejuvenate.

Develop Your Emotions

When it comes to your emotions, learning how to manage them will enable
you to maintain a sense of mental balance. As empaths, we tend to feel too
much and too long. This means that we may have a hard time letting go of
feelings and tend to have hangovers; where energy continues affecting you
long after the event that triggered it has passed. When it comes to harnessing
your power, your ability to manage your thoughts will play a big role in
learning to live within your strengths without succumbing to sensitivities.
These are the tools you should use in developing your emotions:
❖ Accept yourself
❖ Prioritize your needs above the needs of others.
❖ Feel your own emotions and tune-in to your intuition. Always take
time to assess and identify which feelings you are picking up from other
people.
❖ Have filters and barriers that will safeguard your emotions from
getting entangled with other people’s feelings.
❖ Do not let other people’s emotions or energies influence or change
how you are feeling.
❖ Acknowledging the feelings that are not yours and clearing the energy
away.

Overcoming Your Fears

It is not unusual for empaths to experience social anxiety. This anxiety arises
from the intense emotions that empaths experience when interacting with
other people. Imagine a scenario where you have been looking forward to
going to a party for a while. When D-day arrives, you are excited and
determined to have a good time. This all goes out the window as soon as you
walk into the room and see all those people. Suddenly you are like a deer in
headlights. You feel anxious and ill at ease and you start wondering what’s
wrong with you.
For many empaths, this kind of scenario is a common occurrence. To avoid
or limit your social anxiety, the following strategies will be useful:
➢ Use mantras and affirmations – affirmations can help you to boost
your confidence and avoid letting emotions get the better of you. If you are in
a situation where you start feeling anxious or afraid, use empowering mantras
such as "This stress and negativity are not mine, I release them and breathe in
love.”
➢ Self-awareness – when you are not aware of your own emotions you
are more likely to be reactive and susceptible to picking up other people’s
energies. Focus on your feelings and thoughts. For instance, in the scenario
above focus on having a good time and not what other people are
experiencing and thinking. When you are self-aware, you can consciously
shut down reactive emotions that cause you to feel anxious.
➢ Don’t take anything personally – being hypersensitive means that we
are deeply affected by other people’s thoughts and opinions. Social anxiety
partly stems from the fear of being judged by others. So, to overcome this
anxiety, do not take everything so personally and understand that people’s
opinions should not affect your reality. Have a strong sense of self-value that
is not deeply moved by negative emotions or the words of others.
 Chapter 72: Empath and Emotional Intelligence

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Emotional intelligence is the capacity to monitor your emotions as well as to

be able to handle the emotions of other people. For you to be emotionally
intelligent, you need to be able to distinguish between the different emotions
then label them the correct way. Once you do this, the next step is to use the
information that you have gathered to guide your behavior and to think as
well as to influence the behavior of other people.
Emotional intelligence is whatever we use when we put ourselves in the
shoes of other people, have deeper conversations with our spouses or manage
a child that is unruly. It allows us to understand ourselves better, connect well
with others, and live a happy life that is full of good decisions.

Components of Emotional Intelligence

Before we can look into anything else, it is vital that we understand the
components of emotional intelligence. As a person, I have gained a lot of
insight into emotional intelligence after I mastered the components of
emotional intelligence.
Let us look at these components because they also form the skills that will
allow you to interact better with one another.
Self-Awareness
Self-awareness has smaller components that make it one of the best
components of emotional intelligence. First, emotional awareness means you
get to recognize another person’s emotions and its impact on the
environment. Additionally, you need to have accurate self-assessment so that
you know your limits and strengths. You also need to have self-confidence,
which is the ability to be sure of one's capabilities and self-worth.
Self-Regulation
Self-regulation is all about being able to manage your emotions and how they
affect you. For you to manage your emotions the right way, you need to
maintain high levels of integrity and honesty, as well as take full
responsibility for your performance as a person. You also need to be flexible
in handling change that comes both professionally and personally.
You also need to be innovative, so that you are comfortable with and open to
new information and novel ideas that come your way.
Self-Motivation
As the name suggests, emotional intelligence requires you to have the drive
to meet standards. You have to try and improve so that you meet a certain
standard of excellence. You also need to be committed to what you do. We
are always committed to other things, and we leave what means a lot to us.
The commitment that you have needs to be aligned with the goals of the
organization and the group. You also need to be ready to grab any
opportunities that come your way.
Self-motivation needs a lot of optimism, as well. You need to be persistent
when pursuing goals despite the setbacks and obstacles.
Empathy
When you are empathetic, you have the ability to place yourself in another
person’s situation and understand it. You are able to sense what the other
person is going through, and you can see their perspective, and you take an
active concern in what they are going through.
As business owners, we are tasked with the responsibility of understanding
our customers the right way. When it comes to being empathetic, we are able
to recognize, anticipate, and meet our customers’ needs the right way.
Empathy doesn’t stop at knowing what other people are going through and
understanding them; rather, it also begs us to sense what other people need so
that we can develop and improve their abilities. To do this, we need to
understand what diversity is all about then cultivate the various opportunities
through the people that we meet.
Social Skills
Social skills beg us to have influence, which refers to the use of effective
tactics to be persuasive all the time. We also need to be able to communicate
clearly and in a convincing way. It also encompasses leadership, being agents
of change, and being able to manage conflict the right way. We also get to
build bonds and collaborate with other people.
The Dimensions of Emotional Intelligence
According to the theorists Mayer and Salovey, there are four unique branches
of emotional intelligence that guide us in knowing or emotional abilities and
skills. These include:
Perceiving Emotion
Perceiving emotions is all about being able to identify and label the emotions
that you come from other people. For instance, if I am in the office, and I call
someone that needs to get disciplined, I need to read their emotions so that I
understand what they are going through. At times you have to look beyond
the mistakes a read the emotions of someone before you get to know what to
do.
You also need to express your own emotions the right way. When you
express the emotions, you will be able to label them then distinguish between
the ones that are honest and dishonest.
Utilize the Emotions
Once you perceive the various emotions, the next step is for you to use them
in making decisions. Most of the times, we fail to utilize emotions because
we don’t know that they are vital to our survival. Instead, we experience
them; identify them, and that is that.
For you to utilize emotions, you need to prioritize your thoughts based on the
emotions that are associated with different thoughts. You have to learn about
and come up with thoughts that will allow you to make better judgments.
You also need to capitalize on the mood changes so that you appreciate the
different points of view, and then use the different emotional states so that
you can make better decisions when faced with problems.
Understanding Emotions
You also need to understand emotions the right way. To do this, you need to
make sure you identify the emotions the right way then sees the connection
between all the emotions. You also have to look at the various causes and
consequences of the emotions and then understand the complexity that
surrounds them. You also need to look at how the various emotions change
from one state to another.
Managing Emotions
This is the final dimension of emotional intelligence. Here, you have to
manage both the pleasant as well as the unpleasant emotions, as well as to
monitor them then reflecting on them. You need to understand how to
prolong your attachment or detach yourself from the emotional state and
learn to manage your emotions both within you and in other people.

Importance of Emotional Intelligence

One of the most enduring stories of life in the United States takes place in a
small town in Alabama, as penned by Harper Lee. To Kill A Mockingbird is
standard teaching in many schools across the United States because it deals
with issues that impacted Americans in the early 19th century but which still
affect us today. In to Kill A Mockingbird, one of the characters says (to
paraphrase) that a person can never be really understood until you walk a day
in their shoes. That adage has become a common phrase that people use in
parlance, but it illustrates how important empathy, and by extension,
emotional intelligence, can be in creating communities where individuals
understand one another and are able to work well together.
You do not have to live in Monroeville, Alabama to understand the
importance of emotional intelligence. It was Harper Lee’s experiences living
in this town in the 1930s that helped her create the images of the town of
Macomb that are stilled burned into the minds of people who read years ago.
Even in seemingly close-knit communities, members can suffer from
problems identifying or interacting with one another. But as Atticus Finch
says, we never really understand people until we view the world through their
eyes.
It goes without saying that relating to others can be difficult sometimes, that
is why empathy and emotional intelligence are such critical skills, especially
for leaders. Many of us come from different cultural backgrounds, have
different age demographics, different interests, or have a host of other things
about us that make us singular, but we still have to be able to relate to one
another on some functional level in order to live together. We do not have to
be as starkly different as some of the characters and groups in To Kill A
Mockingbird are in order to illustrate the point of the importance of empathy.
Even within close-knit groups of people who may seem similar, albeit on the
surface, people can still experience the seemingly insurmountable task of
relating to and experiencing another’s experiences.
This may lead some to think that life would be a lot easier if we were all the
same, and this is something that some people have suggested as ways that
human beings might progress in the future. Some scientists claim that they
can eliminate suffering by modifying genes to remove birth defects, allergies,
illnesses, dwarfism or other causes of short heights. What is next?
Eliminating genes that cause people to be too tall or bad at music? One could
argue that it is these differences among people that make life interesting and
exciting. If people were all the same, then artists and poets would have no
inspiration. It would be hard to pen a poem about a beautiful woman if all
women looked exactly the same. Every poet has their own idea of the sort of
person, or even the sort of object, that inspires them.
The point here is that differences should not be perceived as an obstacle that
needs to be overcome by emotional intelligence. Studies suggest that good
leaders use empathy to relate to people that have different skill backgrounds,
hail from different parts of the world, or otherwise distinguishable from
others the leaders typically work with. Does this mean that leaders should
only hire certain types of people? No. Studies also show that diverse
workforces lead to innovation and resilience as a diverse group is capable of
coming up with a diverse set of ideas that may prove beneficial to a company.
Therefore, if you are approaching the subject of emotional intelligence from
the standpoint of improving leadership capabilities or another workplace
skillset, keep in mind that being able to empathize with people makes you a
better leader and ultimately benefits your organization.
In fact, empathy is regarded as so important to company dynamics that some
organizations have begun to pen empathy manuals or guides to help their
employees learn to be more empathetic. As we have established, emotional
intelligence is not merely something that you are born with and that is it: the
end of the story. Emotional intelligence can be learned. Team leaders can
train for emotional intelligence and coach it with regular training initiatives.
Although this may seem like devoting time toward something that provides
minimal (albeit some) benefit to an organization, the potential benefits are
actually so great that it is difficult to accurately measure them.
Studies show that 50% of managers are rated poorly by their employees. It is
believed that much of this poor assessment of leadership by staff stems, at
least in part, from a lack of emotional intelligence shown by leadership.
There is a saying, People may not remember what you said to them, but they
will remember how you made them feel. Leaders who are able to show active
empathy engender the support, confidence, and respect of their employees
and peers alike. Remember, empathy is not merely just sympathy—that is,
demonstrating tolerance and compassion.
The key here is to have empathy: to truly feel what another is feeling. The
mother who is dealing with a sick child and is distressed. The father who is
working multiple jobs to make ends meet and still cannot keep his head
above water. Being a leader means truly jumping into another’s skin and
relating to them. You do not want to be the manager who fires that
aforementioned father for a minor infraction. This will not only adversely
impact the individual who is fired, but it also impacts how your employees
perceive you: as someone who lacks empathy for others.
We can drive the point home further by pointing out that others can generally
tell when someone is being genuine with them or not. You may demonstrate
being sympathetic for others through your words and gestures, which is
important, but if you do not actually have empathy within yourself, then it
will show. This exercise is not as difficult as it may seem to some people.
This is not about putting on a show. Having empathy is as simple as thinking
that just as you would want someone to relate to you when you are going
through a difficult time, by the same token you should learn to relate to others
when they are going through their own troubles.
Of course, part of the problem here is that life does not always dole out the
hard times equally. Some people may have difficulty feeling empathy
because they have not had many struggles in their own lives. People in the
United States often do not feel sympathy for the homeless because they make
assumptions about who homeless people are and why they are homeless. It
can be difficult for people to really walk in another’s shoes when they
actually have not walked in their shoes. But if you remember that life can
change in an instant and that your own circumstances may change, it may
help you to see that others going through hard times really are not that
different from you.
The adage goes that we should be compassionate to others because one day
we may need someone to be compassionate to us. By showing empathy, we
not only infuse our lives with positivity, but we help to encourage empathy in
others.
Going back to the point of empathy as a critical leadership skill, by
demonstrating empathic behaviors in their management capacity, a leader
also sets the stage for their own employees demonstrating empathy when they
go on to become managers. Some individuals reading this may be managers
in their organizations. You may be thinking that an organization where
everyone is super-sensitive and obsessed with emotions and feelings will be
an organization where work is not being performed. Studies suggest that
leaders showing empathy perform betters than leaders that do not. Workers
will be more motivated to work for an employer that perceives them as a
valued member of the team rather than just another warm body in the
assembly line.
It may help future and present leaders to use the analogy of the leader as a
king and his or her team as the subjects. Subjects that are dissatisfied with the
king or feel that the king is unconcerned with them rebel or they do not
support the king when the king turns to them for support. Louis XIV of
France famously said, “I am the state,” and he may have meant that power in
the kingdom was concentrated in his own person, but he also made the
statement that the king was somehow intrinsically connected with the
collective achievement of both the people and the kingdom.
This was illustrated all too well when, almost 80 years after the death of
Louis XIV, the people of Paris stormed the Bastille and began the French
Revolution, one of the most important events in world history. The French
Revolution set the stage for the political and social changes that have created
the world that we live in. If it were not for the French Revolution, men and
women in the Western world might still be paying feudal dues to their lords
and being excluded from any expression of political or personal power.
By failing to have empathy for their people, the kings of France became
alienated from them, which caused the people to see the kings as being
responsible for their sufferings (which they were, at least in part). There is a
film called Jefferson In Paris that demonstrated how little empathy the
wealthy elites of France had for the peasants that toiled the land and
generated the wealth that the peasants spent. In this scene, a noble couple had
a fancy dinner and it becomes warm in the dining room. They tell the
servants to smash the windows to let the air in because the windows were
designed to not be opened. The windows that were smashed would be
replaced. Whenever the couple entertained and the temperature grew to
warm, the windows were smashed only to be replaced the next day. All of
which was paid for by peasants who could not feed their children.
This is an extreme example of a society where there is no empathy, or at least
where a segment of the population feels no empathy for the other. It is
frightening to think that our own society moves in this similar direction,
especially in a country like the United States that was intended to represent a
set of rights designed to engender personal freedom and to resist tyrannical
institutions.
 Chapter 73: How to Improve Your Emotional
Intelligence

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In any competitive environment, you need to develop your emotional

intelligence so that you succeed at what you do. Let us look at the top ways
of increasing your emotional intelligence:
✓ Learn to Respond instead of Reacting
When faced with a situation that threatens to become conflicting, you need to
learn to respond rather than reacting to the conflict. When faced with a
conflict, feelings of anger, as well as high levels of emotions, are too
common. They push you to make impulsive decisions which will lead to
bigger problems as well.
You need to understand that when faced with conflict, the solution you are
looking for is a resolution to that conflict and nothing else.
You also ought to understand that conflict resolution is all about the two of
you – when you fail to see sense in the argument, you will not see an end to
the conflict.
✓ Learn to Listen
Many conversations go south because one of the people that are involved in
the conversation fails to listen to what the other person is saying.
Emotionally intelligent people have mastered the art of listening, and they
wait for their turn before they speak. They make sure that they listen and then
understand what is being said before they respond.
They also listen to the body language of the conversation, making sure that
they read the various facial expressions, the gestures and body movements of
the person before they make any assumptions.
When you learn to listen, you prevent any misunderstandings that might
come up, and you also learn to respond the right way and show respect to the
person you are speaking to.
✓ Maintain a Positive Attitude
Anytime you approach someone with a negative attitude; you will not listen
at all to what they have to say. This is because you have already made a
judgment in your mind that the person is wrong or that they aren’t up to par,
and this will become a stumbling block when it comes to an understanding of
them.
Emotionally intelligent people have learned how to be aware of those around
them, and they reserve their attitude so that they don’t let anything slip. They
know what they need to do so that they can have a good day and enjoy an
optimistic outlook toward other people.
✓ Take Criticisms Well
A vital part of increasing your emotional intelligence is to tale criticisms
well. Instead of always getting defensive or offended for small things, you
need to take some time to understand where the criticism is coming from and
then how it affects other people or their performance. They then take some
time to resolve any issues that come up in a constructive manner.
✓ They Empathize
People that are emotionally intelligent have the capacity to empathize with
others. They know that empathy shows that they are strong, not weak. When
you are empathetic, you get to relate to other people at a basic human level,
and it opens a lot of doors for mutual respect and understanding between
people that have differing opinions.
✓ Emotion Intelligence and Empathy
Many empaths suppress their gifted abilities, which can come across in a
number of physical, mental, and emotional symptoms. When an empath
suppresses or blocks their abilities, they often suffer from an increase in
aggression, addictive behaviors, poor health choices, negative self-talk,
weakness, chronic pain, and more. These symptoms are due to the blocked
energy you may be holding or due to the fact that you are going against what
is in your very nature. While it is understandable why an empath would want
to hide their ability, this is often because of a lack of understanding them.
When an empath can fully understand just what they are capable of, this gift
will no longer feel like a burden but something unique that they are willing to
use and share with the world.
One of the first steps in helping to develop your empath gift is to first
understand and accept that while you can feel other people’s emotions and
energies, they are not your responsibility. Yes, you may fully understand
what they are going through, and you can provide them with ways to heal or
overcome these things, but that is all you can do. It is up to the other person
to accept the guidance you provide, and it is their choice alone as to whether
or not they do. You may be feeling a great need to be persistent in helping
people, but they are the ones that have to take action. You can only do so
much, and once you become fully understanding of this, you will be more
willing to embrace your gift. You won’t be able to help everyone, but those
you do help will take it with grace and gratitude.
✓ Increase Emotional Intelligence
It may seem as though empaths would have a rather high emotional
intelligence naturally. Emotional intelligence refers to one’s ability not only
to understand their own emotions but also to understand the emotions of
others. It also refers to one’s ability to properly manage and emotions and
process emotional cues of others so as to react appropriately to them. While
empaths may be able to understand emotions on a deeper level, this does not
always translate to their ability to properly manage or separate their emotions
from others. In order for an empath to develop their abilities, they need to
first increase their emotional intelligence. This will allow them to distinguish
their own feelings from those of someone else, this will allow them to react
and manage these emotions in an effective way. To increase emotional
intelligence, one must focus on five key components of emotional
intelligence.
1. Self-awareness. Without first developing your self-awareness, you will not
be able to effectively develop the other components that will increase your
emotional intelligence. Self-awareness for an empath is especially important
as it relates to your ability to recognize your own emotions, how you handle
your emotions, what triggers them, and how their emotions can impact those
around them. Being able to fully understand your own emotions will make it
far easier to distinguish between your emotions and those you feel from
others.
2. Self-regulation. Self-regulation is a crucial factor for increasing emotional
intelligence. When you are able to self-regulate, you are able to respond
appropriately to the emotions you are feeling. For an empath, this is a
valuable skill to develop because it focuses on being able to regulate not only
the effects your own emotions have on you but also the effects of others’
emotions. One of the best techniques for self-regulation is to focus on your
breathing. When you become overwhelmed by emotions, yours or others, it is
best to turn your attention to your breath. Focus on keeping it steady and
calm. This will allow you to let the emotions run their course and keep a clear
mind. When the intensity of these emotions dissipates, you will be able to
better recognize which were your own and which ones are from others. As an
empath, this can be a helpful and quick way to remain calm when confronted
with intense emotions from multiple people. Remember to keep your focus
on your breath; when you notice you are putting too much attention to the
emotions you are feeling, remind yourself to return to your breath.
Self-regulation is what can make the increase of the other areas of your
emotional intelligence possible. It is through self-regulation that you can truly
begin to understand the control you have over your own emotions, and this
understanding as an empath will allow you to better control how you let other
people’s emotions affect you. If you do not develop your self-regulation, you
will constantly feel overwhelmed and bombarded by emotions and react in
unhealthy or unproductive ways.
3. Motivation. There are many factors that can motivate individuals; most
empaths are motivated by the desire to help and heal others. In order to
increase your motivational skills, you need to keep track of what you have
accomplished even if it didn’t turn out the way you anticipated. For an
empath, this can be a list of ways you were able to comfort others or how
many times you turned the negative energy you absorb into positive.
Motivation can come in many forms, but you have first to be able to
recognize and celebrate the things you accomplish. Empaths can be
challenged by this when they are confronted with an overwhelming amount
of negative energy. It is through this component that many empaths can learn
to see how they have been able to overcome these negative situations and
focus on the positive outcomes of the day.
4. Empathy. Empathy is a skill most empaths will not need to work on much
since they naturally are highly empathic individuals. This doesn’t mean there
might not be room for improvement. Having empathy allows you to step into
the other person’s shoes, but it is also about being there to help the other
person work through what they are feeling. This is the desire for all empaths,
but this is where things can get off-balance with the empathy component.
Most empaths take empathy to the extreme, which is what will cause their
energy levels to drop and is what causes empaths to shut off their gift
abilities. Finding a balance between fully understanding how another feels
and effective ways to help is a fine line. What can help an empath gain better
balance is to practice loving-kindness. This is a simple process that allows
you to send love and kindness to those who need it in your life or to those
you are grateful for. This can be an effective practice that will help empaths
release the negative energy they absorb from others and transform it into
loving and positive vibes.
5. Social skills. For an empath, developing healthy social skills can be
overwhelming, but in working on this key factor of emotional intelligence,
you will be able to put to use all the other skills you have been developing.
When you develop your social skills, you will find that using your empath
gift to help and heal others becomes much easier. Social skills refer to your
ability to manage and maintain not only relationships with others but also the
impact you have on them. How can you influence a more positive way and
move them in a direction that is beneficial for both of you?
Increasing your emotional intelligence as an empath can greatly help in
distinguishing your emotions from others, as well as give you a better idea of
how you can use your abilities in the most beneficial way. But increasing
your emotional intelligence, as with everything in life, requires having
balance. If you focus too much on improving one area of emotional
intelligence over another, you can lose sight of your goals, self, and
confidence in your abilities.
Aside from increasing your emotional intelligence, empaths can also develop
their gift through other practices and techniques.
 Chapter 74: How Empathy Affects Your Daily
Life?

If you are an Empath, then you are familiar with how much your gift can
impact your overall daily life and existence. Having sensitivities to a variety
of things can alter your ability to enjoy or function well in all of your daily
life circumstances. In general, empathy is not debilitating, and you are not
required to become a recluse in order to thrive as an Empath, however it can
benefit you to understand how being an Empath can have an impact on your
daily life.
Not all of these situations will apply to you, but as an Empath, you may know
other Empaths who apply to some or all of these situations and it is good for
all Empaths to have a regard and understanding for the various ways that
your sensitivities can affect your life experience overall.
Home
Your home is where you relax, sleep, cook meals, enjoy rest, spend time with
family, or spend time alone, have visitors or parties, explore yourself more
deeply and find sanctuary. Most people’s homes are a reflection of their souls
and how they feel about themselves as a person. We see so many places
around the world that have a different version of what “home” truly means,
but for this subject we are talking about the physical structure that you go to
for rest, comfort and personal pleasure.
Your home has a lot of energy to it and it comes and goes, just as the energy
of a person does. When your home feels relaxing, safe, cozy and comfortable,
the energy of your home is in harmony with who you are and how you are
feeling. When your home feels uncomfortable, tense, dark, or uncertain, it
can mean that another person’s energy has influenced your home and the
energy inside.
As an Empath you are familiar with how a person’s emotions can leave a
mark, imprint or residue on your own energy. It is important to realize that
your home can also receive that energy after a tense argument or
conversation, a difficult contact showing up unexpectedly, uncomfortable
news, or any other person’s emotional state that you happen to be sharing
your home space with, whether that is your partner, friend, children or pets.
Your house is an extension of yourself and if you share your house with more
than just you, a cat and a few houseplants, then you are going to be living in
the thick of other people’s emotions and that has a strong impact on your
ability to rest, recuperate and recover from other stimulating experiences
throughout your day.
There are a lot of different spaces throughout the house as well and some
may feel more intense than others. If you are sensitive to sounds and bright
lights, as well as other people’s energy, then it may be very difficult for you
to sit in the living room with everyone who wants to watch Friday night
football, or the latest sitcom.
The kitchen is a dynamic room that involves a lot of banging pots and pans,
fast movements in order to get the meal prepared in a certain time frame and
everyone looking for a plate for dinner at the same time. The kitchen is also a
room filled with many strong smells, noises and other components that can
feel very stimulating.
The bedroom is where sleep and rest are a must and can be considered the
heart of the home sanctuary. If you are dealing with unwelcome and
uncomfortable feelings in the bedroom from other people, or from
relationship concerns, you will not be able to properly rest until you have
cleared and cleansed that energy from your sleeping area. Many Empaths
have insomnia because of holding onto other people’s feelings and emotions
and carrying them into bed with them at night.
Your home is energetically a part of your existence and since you will spend
a lot of time there it is important for the Empath to make it a safe and
grounding space to refresh your energy and find peace and rest.
Work
The workplace is dynamic and takes many forms and involves many people.
If you are an Empath and living well in your life, then you may have already
selected the right profession for you to stay in balance with your energy and
your skills. So many Empaths, however, end up working in jobs or careers
that don’t support their gifts and leave them feeling the opposite of inspired.
There are a lot of dynamic forces in the workplace and depending on what
your job is, those may include:
• Hierarchy of staff positions
• Meetings
• Deadlines
• Reports
• Promotions
• Raise in income
• Team building
• Performance expectations
• Specific styles of organization
• Customer service
• Telephone calls, including telemarketing
• Time clocks
• Punishment for tardiness, or failure to meet company standards
• Long work hours or work weeks
• Co-worker relationships or friendships
Jobs vary from business to business and depending on what you are doing
currently for a living, some, none or all of these may relate to your present
career. The main thing to note about all of these work-related situations or
dynamics is that they all carry a certain kind of energy for the whole group
you are working with. You may not feel a need to compete for the big
promotion, or be best friends with everyone in the office, or argue with any
of the deadlines, but you will have to encounter the energy behind all of these
things.
People put a significant amount of pressure on themselves in the workplace.
If you are an Empath, you may be feeling all of this as if they are your own
feelings about your job. Many people feel competitive at work for raises and
bonuses which can feel like an excellent reward for a job well done, but you
are also absorbing all of the energy of your coworkers who may be clamoring
for the big bonus and it can overwhelm you and your energy.
There can be a lot of inner-office drama between coworkers and as the
Empath on staff, you may be getting the brunt of everyone’s issues with so-
and-so, even when you don’t agree with everything people are saying or
feeling about the new hire. Sometimes people complain a lot about their boss
or the system of staff hierarchy which can leave an off energy in the room
when the boss enters moment.
Most people can feel the tension in the room or in the office a lot of the time,
but the Empath feels it five times more and has to recover from these work-
related dramas in another way. If you are not grounding and balancing your
energy regularly, then you may start to act and feel like other people do
around the boss, even if you never had any issues with him/her in the first
place. The reason an Empath can feel so heavy or emotional is because of
how easy it is for them to pick up other people’s energy and start
experiencing it as though it belongs to them.
The workplace is full of many different kinds of individuals with a variety of
backgrounds, personal histories, difficult home lives and repressed emotions.
There are likely as many grounded, joyful, content, professional and
optimistic colleagues, but for the Empath, it is very easy to tell whose
negative energy you are most sensitive to.
You may not have even begun to develop an awareness yet about how you
relate your empathic abilities to your work life, and now is an excellent place
to start. Ask yourself some of the following questions as they apply to your
own work experience:
1. Do you dread going to work most of the time?
2. Do you eat alone on your lunch break intentionally?
3. Do you keep to yourself and then feel uncomfortable in group meetings
or team building activities?
4. Are you reluctant to attend company parties, picnics, or other bonding
events?
5. Do you find yourself partnering with certain individuals who have
strong opinions about the boss or other staff and then come to realize at home
that you wish you hadn’t said anything negative after all?
6. Do you feel exhausted after making telephone calls multiple times a
day for work?
7. Do you feel drained after working and collaborating with others in a
board room, office or conference call?
8. Do you procrastinate or deliberate about whether you need to look for
another job to find something that feels like a better fit for you?
9. Do you go home feeling angry, sad, upset, frustrated, annoyed, jealous
or dissatisfied?
10. Have you ever had a job in which you truly felt like yourself and if not,
do you try to figure out what that job or career might be for you?
Several of these questions may not apply to your current work or profession,
but they are a great jumping off point to get you to understand how, as an
Empath, your job life can have a deep impact on your level of contentment
and emotional balance. Many people leave the workplace at the end of the
day or week feeling exhausted, frustrated, inadequate, or unhappy, but not
everyone feels it the way an Empath does.
For an Empath, the workplace can be the greatest cause of low energy,
depression, sadness, fatigue, sickness, poor health, unhappiness and
discomfort. How you treat your empathic gift will help you thrive better in
your career so that you can function well and thrive, no matter what job you
decide is best for you.
 Conclusion
It might not get better overnight, and you may feel some things grow out of
you that you weren’t expecting, but that is the best part. As you embrace your
gift and face the challenge of making your life fit you and your Empath skills
better, you will begin to notice such a difference in your energy, your
relationships, your career, and your life.
You don’t have to study these techniques every day or use them in every
situation but I guarantee that as you do utilize these concepts and create more
space for yourself and your own feelings, it will change your life and you will
see your potential in a new way.
Continue to blossom and grow with your gifts by honoring what you need to
do to take care of your own energy first. Make it an important part of your
life experience and enjoy what being an Empath has to offer you in more
ways than one. Explore the possibilities of what you can do when you are
living well with your gift.
There will always be ups and downs in life and the decision to become better
acquainted with your abilities will help you navigate those times more fluidly
and effectively. You can always use these tools to help you support your path
and your energy so that it doesn’t get out of hand ever again.
Take time for yourself and follow your heart. The gift of being an Empath
will always guide you in the right direction. Let it show you the way by
following your instincts, intuition, and understanding of the world with your
heightened senses. Being an Empath is only difficult if you allow it to be.
Take control of your gifts and let the world see how wonderful you truly are.
EMPATH HEALING
By David Soul
 Introduction
Empath healers can often find themselves filling leadership roles in the lives
of others, whether they intend to or not. When an empath becomes
empowered, they emit an energetic glow that naturally attracts those who are
in need of guidance and healing themselves; these people tend to thrust
empowered empaths into roles like that of a guru, life coach, spiritual guide,
or teacher.
When this happens, it can be challenging on multiple fronts. Many empaths
aren’t used to being the center of attention, being looked up to, being given
space to speak without interruption or negation, or being seen as an authority
figure. This form of power can be unfamiliar to empaths, and thus, some fail
to mature into these roles gracefully. They may become overwhelmed by
their new sense of responsibility for the well-being of others; or,
alternatively, they may allow this power to go to their heads, in which case
they may start to see their followers less as students or patients, and more like
avatars in a video game, an extension of the empath’s identity that they can,
and should, control.
This becomes even more challenging when the empath’s followers are
engaged in risky behaviors or toxic relationships, and are not able, for
whatever reason, to alter the dangerous circumstances of their lives urgently.
If you are considering taking the plunge and offering your services as a
healer, therapist, or counselor of any kind, take a moment right now to pause
and evaluate your own ability to resist the temptation to control. Most of us
like to believe that we would never want to control other people—that such a
desire goes against our very nature—but realistically, when the going gets
rough, the impulse to exert control over those who rely on us for guidance
can switch on very suddenly, like a light switch. Just ask any parent of a
running toddler—when someone you care for is endangering themselves,
instinct takes over, and it generally chooses to use force rather than gentle
guidance. If a toddler were running towards a busy intersection, most of us
would, understandably, choose to scoop them up in our arms and take them
elsewhere, rather than gently urging them to stay mindful of their
surroundings.
In earlier times, the empaths were our shamans and healers and were trained
from puberty. This enabled the whole community to benefit from this gift.
The empaths avoided the negative consequences that arise today, where such
training, from an experienced empath, takes place only rarely. In addition,
such communities were closer to nature and less crowded than they are today.
This made the people less chaotic and contradictory.
Most people who have the gift of empathy don't see them at all as gifts and
would love to get rid of them. The modern world is a melting pot of distorted
and desperate energies: strong emotional projections, hidden intentions
(whether personal or global), WIFI, cell phone radiation, electromagnetic
emissions, multi-media marketing (specially designed to stimulate us)
processed foods, TV, the dull roar of consumption. Nowadays every empath
has to empathize with this chaos, at least until he has learned to consciously
shut himself off.
The consequences are, for example, various mental illnesses, which
essentially result from the fact that an empath cannot develop an "I-feeling".
The "I" and the "other" blur because he often feels foreign feelings much
more than his own and he can no longer distinguish them. There are also
contradictions from the environment when someone says it is okay and the
empath feels that it is not right or double messages from parents in childhood.
(The empath feels one message and hears and sees another, and now no
longer knows what to think is true).
This leads to great uncertainty. While normal people discover themselves in
puberty, an empath does not know who he is at all and often enough
considers everything he feels from others to be his "I". This conflict often
persists long after puberty.
Most empaths suffer unnecessarily because they cannot let go of their
personal emotional attachment to feelings. The most important key to
mastery is letting go of emotional attachment.
Inner contradictions and empathic old feeling patterns, which are repeated or
brought out again by current experiences, are particularly exhausting for
empaths. Natural problems of the present are also painful, but not so
confusing and have a completely different healing quality.
An insecure empath can typically match the vibration of the sad person, and
as a result of once more, the subconscious belief is that to be 'liked' by
somebody, they tend to should be like that somebody. From the attitude of
being perpetually swamped by others' feelings, at first, simply to induce off
from everybody, are precisely what empathy healers are. Through their
dedication to healing work, the Universe aligns them with such a lot of varied
healing techniques and practices since that point that changes them to
measure totally and mirthfully in power as an Empath.
In order to understand why empaths are so well suited to the healing arts, we
must first look at their most common characteristics, and examine the ways in
which the empath typically differs from the average individual. We will also
clarify the definition of empathy as a fluid, rather than fixed, trait, which can
be both good and bad, rather than the exemplary moral virtue it is often
believed to be.
Many of us fall into the habit of describing empathy as a personality trait that
people either have in spades or lack entirely. It does simplify things when we
look at the personalities of others as innate, fixed, and predictable, allowing
us to praise and embrace those we think of as warm and giving, while we can
write off those we see as callous or self-absorbed.
 Chapter 75: What Is Empath Healing?

Empathic healing is a steady, progressive process. So, start small, and before
you know it, you start to get the hang of it. All you have to do is practice
grounding and centering your energy. Learn to control it and learn to
transmute it or absorb it as needed.
There is no particular rule to empathic healing, but there are basics:
As an empath using your abilities, you can sense what a person is going
through, what problems they have mentally or emotionally. As you center
yourself and use your mind's eye to scan through someone's body internally,
if they are healthy, they should give off a steady pink or bright colored hue;
but when there is a problem somewhere, that area has a dull grey or black
hue.
With your connection to the person, you will be able to tell if the person is in
pain, sad, hurt, stressed, or angry. Negative emotions are always associated
with low and unbalanced energy levels, so your job as the empathic healer is
to send a wave of positive energy through this person to increase their energy
levels and balance it. This can usually be done by maintaining contact with
that person, maybe by holding hands, hugging or just by placing a hand on
the person. I should state that contact isn't necessary. Distance is nothing,
when healing.
You just have to concentrate and channel that healing power from the
ethereal plane. You have the ability to use this method to heal anything from
anxiety, stress, or depression, to fear, anger, physical and emotional pain.
This is a gift you must use for the benefit of all others!
Before you begin this process, it is important to prime your patient to expect
positive results. You can do this by playing soothing music or explaining to
them how energy and vibration work. You can also offer them research
which actually backs up the fact that your ability to heal them depends a lot
on their ability to accept the healing. Anything to help them believe is going
to do just great. It also helps to get them to relax, by whatever beneficial
means possible.
Belief in the process of empathic healing is a mutual requirement. You and
the person being healed have to accept the reality of this ability. The person
to be healed also has to be receptive to the positive energy coming through
them.
I am sure at some point or the other in your life, you must have been called to
speak in front of a set of people. We all know how it is. If you keep nurturing
that fear and doubt, you go there and you find your palms sweating and your
feet shaking. The moment you resign yourself to doing great, you will notice
that you become more at ease and in control of yourself. It's the same with
empathic healing. Once you believe you're going to achieve a positive
outcome, that's invariably what happens!
You have to be able to tune into that great source of power within you.
Accept who you are first and foremost, because only then will you be able to
make a change in anyone else’s life.
Being an empath is an eye-opening experience. It makes you see the world in
a different light. The air seems to crackle with energy. The soil under your
feet seems to be more than dirt to you. You feel completely in your element.
That's because you are in partnership with nature, and in touch with yourself!
You have the elements at your command. You are able to control all that is
around you. You have unimaginable power coursing through you, just
waiting to be unleashed for the good of all humanity!
That power is at the tip of your fingers waiting to be used. Healing is only
one of a few things you can really do. Imagine for a second, the immense
satisfaction you would feel at being able to do something that gives you
purpose. Something that makes your life feel brand new every day! That's
what it's like when you are able to positively affect a person's life as an
empath.
If someone comes to you in pain, why not do something about it as an
empath? Why not help them transmute that pain and let healing energy flow
through you to them?
Start Small
I do have to advise caution, because our subconscious naturally detests abrupt
changes.
They throw us off balance. So, if you are an introverted empath, trying to
dive head first into constant relationships and connections isn't going to work.
Your mind and spirit are going to rebel, and they're going to rebel hard. So,
ease into it, slow and steady. You could even start with yourself - in fact, you
should! Then you can progress toward healing others around you, and
gradually expand your circle.
You could start by easing your Nana's joint pain, or your mum's stress, or
your brother's emotional hurt. When you find yourself comfortable doing
this, you could try other
people.
Just remember that there is no pressure. You are in no competition with
anyone. Take your time!
You Are More Than Your Body
Your organs, your body, your thoughts, your feelings all have their particular
energy or vibration. Every organ vibrates at its own energy frequency. Every
feeling has its own unique vibration, and because of this, what we eat, what
we feel, even what we drink has a direct effect on our wellbeing.
The human physiology is a very complex thing. We are made of our physical
bodies, spiritual bodies, and our astral bodies. The thing is Western medicine
never acknowledges this. In fact, all Western medicine does is treat the
human body as though the brain and emotions do not have a direct impact on
our physical capacities. Other native cultures have known this for a very long
time and have used this knowledge to heal people effectively.
We have been conditioned to believe that our health only depends on
exercising regularly, eating good food, having enough sleep and the usual
advice you'd find in Reader's Digest or something. What we do not know is
that our bodies are stronger or weaker because of the other bodies found in
our being.
As an empathic healer you have to watch for inconsistent vibrations in your
patients because that is what nurtures sicknesses in the body. Your etheric
body is filled with energy that saturates your physical body, feeding it and
maintaining your health. Without it, the body can't survive. That is why in
some severe illnesses, people tend to say they feel the life draining out of
them.
This etheric energy fuels our physical bodies. It is what the Chinese call
"chi," as I've mentioned before. This energy passes through our organs and
every center of energy we have in the body.
All living things including plants and creatures have an etheric body.
Keeping these channels clean from negative energy is essential to
maintaining our spiritual balance. The use of tantric sex, pranayama, and
needle therapy helps to open up the progression of energy through the body.
To be able to use your actual healing power, you have to take charge of your
emotions. You need to get a handle on your triggers, and deal with them.
When our emotions are all
over the place, we become vulnerable.
I have found that people do not grow or progress because they spend precious
time wallowing in self-pity over situations they can't change. What you
should do is lift your head up and walk out of that situation like a boss. I
learnt through constant reflection that only few out of every odd thought I
have had is worth my stress and time, most especially if nothing I say or do
can change the results of that thought. So, I move on!
If you feel constantly bombarded by unwanted thoughts and emotions, just
imagine a ring of white light around you.
Easing the Way for Your Healing Power
Negative energy can really block your chakras and affect your energy
balance. Healing power is supposed to be pure and bright. As an empathic
healer, this should be one of your very main concerns. If you block your pure
energy, you will be unable to heal.
I have a few methods I use to unblock my energy and chakras that might
work for you too. It doesn't necessarily have to be your own energy blocked
all the time. You could have a patient with a blocked energy field. If this is
the case, you need to know what to do about it.
This might seem very silly, but I have found that laughter helps lighten and
unburden my
spirit. it elevates my mood all the time. So, you could watch a bit of comedy
and laugh until your sides start to hurt and tears of joy start to stream down
your cheeks, and you would feel your energy field clearing out!
Empathic healing is a soul deep process and sucks out the energy in you. You
might find yourself emotionally drained, and when you do, I would
recommend a good soak in a salt bath. This helps with every layer of your
being and removes impurities. Water itself is a conscious being that you can
manipulate and use as you wish. To has very deep, cleansing properties. It
also works with herbs, flower essences, and oils. These substances give it
more strength.
Salt is used to draw out all those stubborn negative energies that feed off you
like parasites. Also, vinegar can also be used to neutralize the effects of these
energies as well. I usually add a cup of Epsom salt, lavender, yarrow,
chamomile, eucalyptus oil, and rose petals to my salt baths.
I would be remiss if I didn't share one of my favorite cleansing techniques
with you. It involves using golden light during meditation. This is the same
process usually referred
to as ethereal conditioning.
Just close your eyes and withdraw into yourself. Tune out every noise around
you. Remind yourself that you are a spiritual being, and create a golden light
and watch it spread and illuminate every aspect of your being.
Empathic healing is not a widely common phenomenon at the moment. I
think this is mostly because science has been unable to explain it, but it sure
does work. You can even use it on yourself!
 Chapter 76: Who Are Empathy Healers?

To better describe what an empathy healer is and what makes them a healer
an empath below mentioned are some points to better describe them

Realization
The biggest shift occurs in life after they understand that they didn't have to
be compelled to sacrifice their happiness for anyone else’s. They understand
that their feelings matter; however, they feel, their emotions and thoughts
produce physical matters. They understand they’ve created several
prophecies by taking in negative feelings. A time in their life is when they
felt that caring for somebody meant virtually giving their last breath to them.
They usually would neglect their feelings or desires to indicate up the manner
that others required them to. At some purpose, they conjointly understand;
however, usually, individuals mistook their real kindness as a weakness.
They believe they will all escort the flow and follow the trail of effort.
They're aware that some relationships are inherently unequal. However,
they've to let go of carrying all the burden.

Remember feeling refreshed

When they are immersed in empath fatigue, dragging themselves through
each moment will be troublesome to recollect what it sounds like to be
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. However, everybody has had times in their life
once they have felt a better level of energy. They recall those times, despite,
however transient. Maybe it was a sense of pleasure over a forthcoming event
that offered a burst of energy.
Perhaps they recall a vacation at a peaceful location that allowed them some
emotional period. The decision to mind as again and again as once they felt
relief from the overwhelm. Dig deep into that memory and extremely feel;
however, it felt to be relaxed and reinvigorated. Recall, however, their body
felt. However, their breath relieved. They keep in mind the peaceful smile on
their face, the one that takes no effort and no muscles because it comes from
deep among and fills their face. As they are doing this, their body responds to
the memory as if it's occurring without delay. The escape in their mind
reminds them that it's attainable to feel refreshed, and also the easy nature of
memory doesn’t add to any extent further to their plate.

Make choices
They finally create choices once they are thus uninterested with all the
emotional weight, they’ve been carrying that vowed them to prevent. They
tell themselves, loudly and with pride, enough! Even as someone creating a
new year’s resolution, in this moment of clarity and call, they felt a burst of
energetic pride. Once they create this declaration, they use their thoughts to
grant themselves a burst of energy. Through their clarity, they are ready to
gain a better energetic state. Creating a choice, they take hold of the approach
they need to feel, offers a burst of energy they didn’t recognize was dormant
among them. Merely creating a choice, any call, despite however huge or
tiny, offers them clarity that brings with it this vital of energy.

Setting Clear Boundaries

They eventually learn to stay up for their betterment. They stop being a
doormat. If somebody isn’t treating them well, they are saying in an
exceedingly firm, neutral tone, “Let’s talk about this after you’re calmer” or
“It hurts my feelings once you say. I’d be glad if you stop.” Saying no is an
art. Empaths are usually afraid to frustrate and pain others; however, it’s vital
to induce within the act of claiming once things don’t feel good. So, they
simply merely learn to say no that seems to be a life-saving strategy from
them.

It’s a mind game

Feeling fatigued is all a state of mind. And the state of mind modifies
rapidly. By practicing completely different methods on an everyday basis,
they slowly shift their state of mind and their beliefs. They overcome their
fatigue by merely changing their thoughts concerning people and situations.
They recall once they have felt reinvigorated, gain clarity in their life, reach
for the next frequency feeling, and appreciate each moment they feel a touch
relief. By doing this stuff systematically, they notice a gradual shift in their
everyday level of energy and should even realize enjoying the road to a better
state of being. Instead of saying, I'm continually tired, or I want I may get a
clear stage, they start
these days by pivoting these thoughts to reality.

Vibrate higher
Fatigue comes from lower wave emotions. Higher frequency emotions seem
exhausting as they're viewing them from an area of no energy. They
acknowledge that with joy, happiness, and excitement comes action, which
sounds not possible after they are exhausted. The truth is that as they work
for the emotional scale, their energy increases exponentially. So that they
reach for higher frequency feelings even after they feel thus exhausted by
shifting their thoughts ever slightly to attain an emotion simply above their
current state.

Reframing
This allows them to look at the experiences they are having from the attitude
of the upper self instead of the ego or the temperament. It helps them to spot
their own psychological feature biases and, therefore, how they're connected
to the story. After they produce stories regarding their experiences supported
past encounters to limit their ability to be enlightened regarding the actual
nature of reality.
Empaths are healers solely to the complete extent that they perceive the flow
of energy. They have a tendency to be acknowledged that no emotional or
physical state is permanent. They tend to don't need to carry these sufferings
with them through life. Instead, empaths should permit themselves to unleash
these negative emotions. Holding onto them out of guilt, feeling accountable,
or unknowingness of their ability to unleash them solely blocks the flow of
energy through them. They'll perpetually absorb the emotions of others, and
however, once they are ready to acknowledge it and unleash it, they can
relieve suffering and, in turn, relieve the suffering of others who are willing.
They start experiencing life where they start feeling rejuvenated daily and
prepare to assist those in want. They let go of the energies that don't belong to
them and permit the free flow that they tend to experience.
This confidence is vital. To begin learning intention on to existence rather
riveting the lower vibrations of others are a lot of centered and definitive in
their belief, light, healing, and therefore the power of affection over-concern.
They're radically amative, positive, and compassionate.
It doesn’t mean responding to different people’s unhappiness or negativity
with a response that utterly dismisses the reality of their moment; that is that
they're feeling frightened or upset. It solely means rather than responding
with validation or encouragement of others' negative outlook, and they
respond with understanding, however conjointly complimentary support. In
essence, rather than lowering themselves to satisfy them wherever they're at,
they respond with the next vibration that forces them to rise to their
frequency.
The best part is coming back to an area wherever they start to heal and
unravel their own inhibited emotions, and they start to embody such a high
frequency that their mere presence is like a healing crystal for themselves.
They now no more feel the need to be everything to everybody. The globe
now not maybe a chilling and overwhelming place wherever they feel
unprotected from gripping the suffering and ill feelings of others. However, it
becomes their consciousness playground wherever they get to observe taking
the high road with others. Eventually, they begin to be happier, healthier, and
feel a lot of fulfilling interactions with others.
 Chapter 77: Story of Empath Healing

There are different kinds of perspectives of people, and everyone has their
own unique stories. To understand the meaning of an empath, there is a lady
who shared her story with us here name is ‘Catherine Liggett.’ She described
that most of her client's work practice and they try to identify whether a
person is intuitive or empathic to some extent. She has worked with a lot of
people and listened to many stories from an empathic people, she met a lot of
people who can pick up the emotions, who are intuitive, and who understands
the pain of others. After listening to many people's stories, she came up with
the pattern. She realized that there is an origin story like there is a traceable
patter for many people out there who are living their lives and facing
empaths. She claims that she is very passionate about bringing more into the
spiritual discourse that is out there is the fact that being an empathy yes it is a
gift from mother nature and this is considered to be a superpower of
humankind. Still, this empathic ability is sometimes counted as the disability
as well. Most of the people she worked with, she helped them cope with their
empathic nature because it prevents them from functioning in the world. The
way they want to, for example, a lot of them cannot tolerate groups.
They cannot tolerate parties or at least not for very long, or they feel so
drained in their lives by the end of the day, or they feel so drained with their
significant relationships, and of course, they don’t want to be, or for some of
them, it is so overwhelming the experience of the emotions of others is so
overwhelming that they have to clear themselves on a daily basis they have to
have these rituals and these processes of self-healing that they do simply to
get through the day and perhaps and yes most importantly being an empathy
can also, be a disability because it prevents us or it can prevent us from the
process of individuation which is what Carl Jung would call the meaning of
human life individuation means that we grow to our fullest potential as a
whole a unique human being in this body on this planet in this lifetime and as
an empath, we don’t have a solid of self-it’s very hard for us oftentimes to
delineate where we begin where our energy begins and where that of another
a person begins and ends and so if we cannot tell where we begin and end
how are we possibly going to tell what exactly we want from ourselves these
questions come in each and every human being they are very excited and
hopeful about their lives. How we can possible going to carve our own
unique path in the world so here is the origin story she heard and shared with
us, she heard this story over and over again from so many different clients
who identify as empaths, of course, we are often old souls so souls who have
been around the universe for a long time who are born who choose to be born
if you will into a family in which at least one of the parents and usually it is
the mother does not have the support that s/he needs to thrive & what we do
is because we are highly sensitive and attuned and wise we instinctively and
unconsciously move into the caretaker role for that parent and so what
happens oftentimes is that we never learn where our boundaries are in other
words we never become our own person because our identity is hitched to
being the caretaker for this parent what that effectively does is we never
accept that it is okay to have the emotions that contradict that of the parent
for whom were doing the caretaking so for example if my mom if I am
sensing that she needs my support but this could also happen that she never
asked for my help but it is my instincts that are ready to do anything for my
mom because I am his son and it is my job to take care of my family but
intuitively as this child become therefore her and how am I possibly going to
get angry because there are multiple things I want in my life and I really want
them to conquer but it seems sometimes that life is not going the way I want
to which is completely fine but the thing is why life is being so unfair to us.
Everyone has only one a life is given. We are not able to live them according
to ourselves, or how I am possibly going to say no to her or with any
frequency for that matter and because we never get to the test the limits if we
are the parents the primary child as often called the caretaker then we never
know our power and us never know we life could take us and how we are
going to end up in life because of we never go to the limits of our emotional
capacity our capacity for will power then we just don’t know where we are
and how our lives are going to end. We do not know what we are capable of.
Catherine Liggett claims that we have no connections to our power, and we
have no connections to our boundaries. In her work experience, she met a
client who was extremely empowering a reality and sense of self as a thing
that is clay type, she would just go around her reality and very unconsciously
just sensing what other people needed from her instead of being self-directed
or instead of priority being well what do I want here? Frequently something
very tricky is it as females in the society at this time we are socialized
anyway that our energy belongs to other people. Still, sometimes this
becomes a very selfish thing to make ourselves prior than other to some
extent. Still, what we want even though that is actually why we are here on
this planet we are living for us because we are here to grow to explore things,
we need to understand that life is not only about getting up in the morning,
then go to the office, then come back home and sleep life is more than that
life can be more beautiful if you guys understand the true meaning of your
life. We are here to grow as our unique individuals for ourselves.
She also said that there is another kind of open the dirty secret about the
spiritual community and communities of healers Empaths are the good
healers because it is their comfort zone it is just there, why these people are
so good at it because this superpower is built-in in them, it is their childhood
patterns they have been doing this over and over again of being therefor
others of having empathic energy be for others and so a lot of healers and
intuitive out there like you might if you ever learn about their personal lives
and sometimes they be a little surprised because perhaps they are really stuck
of themselves they are stagnant if you are not intimate with this kind of
community you might put them up on a pedestal but, in actual, it is because
they very well might be simply reliving and repeating their own, to be honest,
trauma history of giving without receiving you will know who these
practitioners are sometimes by the energy that they have if they seem
depleted when they are working their body language just intuitively you
might pick it up & it doesn’t mean they aren’t good at what they do because
of they probably are they have been doing it since they were just a little baby
so you might. Mow, you have the idea now, and you can find yourself that
you are an empath or not, and do you want to heal people who are in severe
pain. She explored more she talked with her a friend of hers who is also a
professional the initiative, and they were talking about this idea that being an
empathy is actually a disability and she was like I completely agree with that,
and she remarked that she noticed that the more that she healed herself, the
less empathic she became on other words, the more healing work she did
with herself, the more she was able to just go through the world without
picking up the feelings and pain of others and that is absolutely true.
Empathic is actually more to speak useful to the people we serve when we
draw back those empathic tentacles because what someone needs for help, so
someone has to be there for that person someone that has the capacity of
helping others, not just for taking advantage, empathic people have real
superpowers.
 Chapter 78: Empath Medicine

It may seem like there are not many options for helping protect and heal
yourself. You may wonder what methods you can use externally to help you
alleviate outside influences but stay connected to who you are. The goal is
not to avoid or numb what you are feeling, but rather to reveal and
understand it, so you can release things that are not yours and move forward.
The following list is some empath healing plans and medicines to consider:
1. Shield your energy field, or aura. When you are in meditation,
with an open heart, consider repeating the phrase, “A strong and impenetrable
shield protects my energy field. Outside forces that would harm my aura
cannot break or penetrate it. I will not be touched by harmful, negative, or
dark sources. The only things I allow past my shield is positivity and higher
vibrations. But I can lower my shield when I need.”
2. Go outside for a hike or a walk. Get into nature to reenter. Take
off your shoes and walk barefoot on the ground, if possible. Try to be alone
and quiet.
3. Take a few minutes to meditate. Visualization and mindful
meditation are good tools to help you center and ground yourself. Take the
time to let go of any negativity that does not support your well-being. Draw
in positivity, protection, and strength to help you recharge.
4. Use stones and crystals. Consider wearing protective and healing
stones on your body. You can have them in a pocket, in a bag, or on a
necklace. Lepidolite rose quartz, shungite, black tourmaline, blue lace agate,
and amethyst are all good stones to consider for helping you stay calm and
centered.
5. Herbal blends or drinks can be beneficial. Consider adding some
of the following herbs to your diet, or mix them together to create an herbal
tea that you can drink:
a. Rescue herbs: yarrow (to shield you from overstimulation), red
chestnut (supports healthy boundaries and protects from outside influence)
b. Adaptogen: Rhodiola, Ashwagandha, sacred basil, eleuthero,
reishi (to help you handle stressful situations)
c. Nervines: St. John’s wort, lemon balm, lavender, chamomile,
rose, skullcap, milky oat (to help you restore your nervous system and heal
your body)
This is made up of 5 different flower essences and is also known as a ‘Flower
Remedy’. Rescue remedy functions on the emotional level by helping restore
emotional imbalances which can help us cope with various types of sensitive
and stressful situations. It is great for helping with focus while reducing
anxiety and depression. It is emotionally soothing.

Adrenal Gland Fatigue

The adrenal glands are situated just above the kidneys. The outer part of these
glands, the adrenal cortex, is responsible for producing important hormones
such as cortisol and others, these vital hormones work to help the body
respond to stress while regulating our metabolism. Cortisol is most popularly
known as the stress hormone which is secreted in abundance in response to
any fearful situations, also known as the fight of flight response.
When an empath feels worn out and exhausted, they can often suffer from
adrenal fatigue. This occurs when the adrenal glands natural hormones
(which help keep us upbeat and energized), become depleted through stress,
anxiety, exhaustion and insomnia. All of these symptoms are very common in
empaths, therefore so is adrenal fatigue.
By learning to manage adrenal fatigue we can begin to reverse these
symptoms and gradually get a better handle on external stressors. Here are a
few things you can do to help –
- Stay away from refined sugars and stimulants - These kick an already
sensitive system into overdrive and causes the adrenals to work harder which
leads to burnout. Try some fruit instead.
- Exercise - Regular exercise will help to cleanse and clear out your body
and adrenals while also helping release any negative emotions you might
have picked up.
- Sunlight and fresh air - Try to get out of a stuffy house or office and
take in the fresh air and vitamin D from the sun. Both will help heal the
adrenals.

Recharging Strategies
Now we will look at some general strategies which will help keep your
energy clear and vibrant most of the time. By taking the time to work these
practices into your daily life, you’ll see a noticeable improvement in your
overall health and well-being.
We have a natural ability to positively impact the world but our energy needs
to vibrant and clear in order to be truly effective.

Sleep –
Probably the number one regenerative thing an empath can do is to get a
good night’s sleep, as often as possible. Due to their natural sensitivity, sleep
is something we can often struggle with. I personally have certain
requirements when it comes to sleeping well. First and foremost, the room
must be pitch black with no visible light, secondly, I require it to be deadly
silent so you cannot hear a pin drop and finally I need my own bed. Hotels or
friends’ houses are usually a struggle for me to sleep in. Pay attention to your
own sleeping habits and what prerequisites you require.
Empaths need regular deep sleep to help regenerate back to full health.
Through this they’re able to recharge their sensitive system. If you struggle
with sleep, try meditating just before going to bed. Stay away from any
medication and sleeping pills as they create long-term sleeping issues due to
reliance.

Sea Salt Bath -

When feeling overwhelmed or stressed, take the time to have a bath. Grab a
few handfuls of sea salt and add it to your bath. The added salt will work to
cleanse and revitalize your energy field by washing away any negative
energy. Before getting in send an intention to the bath water, to cleanse you
completely. Soak in the bath for at least half an hour.

Smoothies -
Eating and following a healthy lifestyle is very important for sensitives as we
react badly to the additives and artificial ingredients added to a lot of food
these days. A great healthy and tasty way to get more goodness into your diet
is through daily smoothies. Simply go and buy some green vegetables and
fruits, throw them all together into a juicer or blender to make a nutritious
delicious smoothie. The color of your smoothie can resonate with the body’s
chakras. The color green, for example, resonates with the heart chakra, which
is our central chakra. Empowering this chakra will create clarity into your
aura and energy field. You can effectively make smoothies of any color, to
help empower your body’s natural intelligence.
 Chapter 79: Empath Self Care

Making a point to take care of yourself is the absolute most important aspect
of existing as an empath in a world that sometimes wants to take advantage
of this. If you have been in an abusive relationship, had an abusive parent, or
even observed some form of abuse in your life, you know this firsthand. You
are not going to be able to live a fulfilling life where your powers are
harnessed if you do not make self-care a priority. This is very hard for people
who have been abused and have recently escaped that relationship or have a
responsibility such as an elderly parent or children that they have to take care
of. After a lifetime of thinking of others and trying to satisfy their needs, it is
going to be difficult to make thinking of yourself an automatic reaction as
opposed to one that you repress, as you have done in the past. But you must
do it; if you are a mother, a father, have a high-priority job, a demanding
family life, or simply do not think you can insert some of these habits for
yourself, it does not matter. Your nature demands it.
The following are more specific details and suggestions of habits that will
help you along your path of taking back your power of empathy.
Being Assertive
If you are a very sensitive person, you probably have grown up with the
belief that you must always be nice to others. And thus, more than likely have
adopted the false notion that if you are assertive and say no to someone, then
you are not kind. That could not be any further from the truth.
Assertiveness is a skill that many people cultivate in life due to necessities at
work, or because of their own natures that require it. Once you begin to
become more consistently assertive in your life, those around you are more
than likely going to act out initially, even become more aggressive toward
you, because they are not used to this side of you that is prioritizing your own
needs. Prepare for this, and when you doubt yourself, know that those who
truly care for you will understand and respect the clear line you are drawing.
If you are unsure about the difference between being assertive and being
angry/aggressive, read over the following points:
• Assertiveness is based on balance: It requires being straightforward
about your wants and needs, while still considering these wants and needs of
others. You are still applying empathy while firmly getting how you feel
across to another person.
• Aggressive behavior is based on winning: You focus solely on what is
in your best interest without thinking about the needs and desires of others.
The power you are applying while being aggressive is strictly selfish. You
will come across as being a bully or pushy.
Mind Tools identifies seven suggested steps that you can follow if you want
to develop your assertiveness skills. Applying these will help you to feel
more balanced:
1. Value Yourself and Your Rights: Before you try to become more
assertive, you should gain a better understanding of yourself. You should also
try to develop a strong belief in your natural value of self, as well as your
value within a team. Confidence is important when trying to be more
assertive but try not to allow it to turn into a sense of self-importance. Your
needs, desires, and rights are just as important as everyone else’s.
2. Voice Your Needs and Wants Confidently: If you want to perform at
your best level and feel happy in life, you need to make sure your needs and
wants are met. Try to identify the things that you want and need now. Set
goals so you can look forward to achieving them. Once you have done this, it
will be easier to express to those what it is exactly you need or want.
Remember to ask politely, stick to your point, and not to ask others to
sacrifice their own needs for yours.
3. Acknowledge That You Can’t Control Other People’s Behaviors: This
is an important fact for those with anger issues to realize. Oftentimes, we
become angry with people when they do things that do not line up with what
we want. But we cannot control what other people do, and it is important to
keep reminding yourself of that fact. You can only focus on your own
behavior. As long as you are respecting the needs of others, then you have the
right to say what you want.
4. Learn to Express Yourself in a Positive Way: Falling into negative
behaviors and expressions of anger is very easy. Try to focus on expressing
what you need positively, even if you are feeling angry. This will help you
not fall into the bad habit of name-calling, accusing, etc.
5. Be Open to Criticism and Compliments: Try to develop the skill of
accepting both positive and negative feedback. Sometimes, when you receive
negative feedback, it is easy to start feeling defensive and even hurt. If you
do not agree with the feedback you are receiving, then you need to prepare
yourself to say so. Again, this is meant to be expressed assertively, without
anger or aggressiveness.
6. Learn to Say No: People who suffer from issues when being assertive
often have difficulty saying no. Saying no is important when considering
your own wants and needs, as well as contracting boundaries that are healthy
and necessary. You are not able to please everyone, nor are you and endless
source of energy. Saying no to people in your relationships, job settings, and
friends show that you know what you want and need, and respect yourself
enough to follow through on them.
7. Using Assertive Communication Techniques: There are a number of
ways that you can apply certain assertive skills through the practice of some
of these techniques:
• Use “I” Statements: Using the word “I” conveys the basic assertion that
you want to get your point across firmly. It also avoids blaming and the
escalation of pointless arguments.
• Empathy: It is hard when you are angry to try to see the issues from
another person’s point of view. But if you practice empathy on a consistent
basis, the level in which your anger reaches will begin to lower each time you
feel you are going to overreact. If you see a situation from another person’s
point of view, it is easier to understand the reasoning behind their behavior.
You still don’t have to agree with the person, but it will help your anger and
guilt feel more constructive rather than destructive.
• Escalation: Trying to be assertive with another person isn’t always
going to work the first time you apply it. Maybe that person also has issues
with anger and expressing themselves. Some problems also require more time
and patience in order to be resolved, such as problems in the workplace. If
you feel you need to escalate your assertiveness, continue along the path of
being polite and respectful, but firm.
• Ask for More Time: If you can feel your anger rising and identify that
you are having trouble controlling it, feel enough confidence to ask for some
time so your anger can dissipate, and you can choose a reaction that is more
rational.
• Change Your Verbs: Try integrated verbs into your vocabulary that
clearly and firmly state what it is your asking for, or what it is that you need.
When you do this, there will be more room for misinterpretation. Begin using
words like “will” instead of “could/should,” and “want” instead of “need,”
“choose to” instead of “have to.”
• Don’t Be Afraid to Sound Like a Broken Record: Keep reiterating
yourself if a person is not taking what you are saying seriously. Continue you
using the strong and firm message until the person will realize that you are
drawing a line and are meaning what you’re saying. This is best to practice at
work if you are overwhelmed with tasks, and someone tries to throw more
onto, using guilt as a weapon. No matter what they say, stick with your
assertive statement that lets them know you cannot take on any more work.
Your needs are important.
• Try Scripting: Scripting is a technique that allows you to practice
making assertive statements before you may need to state them. It will help
you prepare what you are going to say, and give you enough confidence to
stick to it:
1. The Event: Tell the other person exactly how you see the issue.
2. Your Needs: Tell the person exactly what it is that you need from them
so that they do not have to guess.
3. The Consequences: Describe the positive effect that your request will
have for the other person if you need are actually met.
Applying assertiveness instead of allowing people to get into your energy
bubble will, in the long run, help you in your relationships, your work life,
and will help you live a more enjoyable and fulfilling life.
 Chapter 80: Healing Yourself

No one else can make you look in the mirror and dedicate yourself toward
healing—you must do that yourself. When it comes to departing from an
abusive relationship, there truly is no one worthier of doing that than an
empath. You may have recognized some of the behavior of your narcissistic
partner, parent, or friend but have since been able to break free from the toxic
relationship completely. If this has been your experience in the past, read
over these 7 ways that a narcissist can keep you trapped in a relationship.
Write down the ones that you most identify with—awareness and
mindfulness is the first step toward transformation.
1. Love Bombing: This is a term used to describe the overt expression of
love through compliments, gifts, and affection expressed by the narcissist that
makes it seem like they are truly in love. The intentions, though, of course,
are not untainted—they are using this behavior as reinforcement so that you
as the empath will continue giving them just what they want. They punish
their victim through a series of abusive behaviors, which then makes the
empath feel like the nice version of them is their true self, while the abusive
one is the one that they have brought out. This may make you bend over
backward to satisfy your partner and not get punished, with the goal of
encouraging this supposedly loving person you believe that they are.
2. Overuse of Gratitude: Some people stay in relationships with a
narcissist because they have convinced themselves of the notion that no one
is perfect. This is, of course, true, but not an accurate statement to apply with
a person who is abusing you. An empath will find any ‘good’ aspect of the
narcissist and choose to overly focus on that. This helps the narcissist as they
expect any positively perceived behavior to be applauded, while any mistake
they make to be ignored. They, of course, overreact to any perceived
wrongdoing of the empath, which makes the empath feel less and less
capable as a person.
3. Trauma Bonding: Victims of abusers have been known to form a
biological attachment to their abuser through their interactions, which reacts
in a very similar way as being addicted to a substance. You may feel hooked
to the confusion, as well as the emotional ups and downs of being with this
person, as you feel you require their approval in order to thrive and survive.
We are here to tell you that you do not, but this is one of the hardest blocks in
helping a person leave the individual who is abusing them.
4. Altruism: Many people stay in abusive relationships because they
believe that their partner is putting effort into the relationship—therefore,
they feel they must too. The abused are often plagued with the false notion
that they are ‘giving up.’ However, in reality, they have been the only ones
who are truly trying to make this a balanced and satisfying relationship with
the narcissist. The abused will look inside themselves for the problem since
the narcissist overinflates their positive attributes and downplays the
negative.
5. Downplaying the Abuse: Gaslighting is a tactic that many abusers use
that contorts the victim’s reality. They do this by telling them that what they
believe about their partner is wrong, that what they are relaying never
happened, and many other invalidations of their emotions and reality. Many
people will excuse abuse if their partner does not hit them, but emotion scars
are just as damaging. Manipulative tactics are harder to detect, especially for
a person who is highly sensitive and has the habit of turning inward to blame
themselves.
6. Repetition Compulsion: Within romantic relationships, some people
have the tendency to repeat the behaviors of previous relationships in order to
make up for past mistakes in previous relationships. This often has the
opposite effect than what the person is intending—instead of finding
someone who is going to treat you properly, you find someone who is like
your abusive caregiver, so afraid of losing the attachment, so you go along
with their deception and manipulation. This is usually a subconscious act that
people who have been severely damaged mentally go through without
noticing it. These are the kind of people that narcissist seeks out because they
are going to provide for them no matter what, always to fulfill this
subconscious need.
7. Financial Control: Financial abuse occurs in relationships where the
abuser constantly seeks to control where and when you spend your money.
The abuser could be the primary breadwinner, or, simply someone who
leeches off finances. It is also a way to falsely remind the abused ‘how good
they have it’ when the abused start voicing their needs and wants. The abused
will feel guilty and make it harder for them to voice what they are feeling the
next time.
 Chapter 81: Protection Strategies

When something does trigger your over-stimulation, you need to have a

strategy to protect yourself. The problem with this suggestion is that one
protection plan for one empath does not necessarily work for another. Each
person is unique and different. Your needs are different than other peoples.
Despite this, the steps outlined below are designed to help you come up with
your own strategy that you can tweak and define as time goes on. The idea is
for you to try the steps and listen to your body. Find out how often or how
long you need to do something and record it. When you find a balance that
grounds you and allows yourself to be connected you have developed your
protection strategy. But remember, as you develop and grow, your strategy
needs to do the same. Give yourself the flexibility and freedom to change
when it is time.

Step 1
Begin with identifying the over-stimulation. Notice if you are beginning to
feel this way or already are. If it is just beginning, can you remove yourself
from the situation and find a quiet retreat? If you can remove yourself, this is
best, but sometimes you need to stay. If you are “stuck,” say to yourself as
often as you need, “This is just temporary. This will pass. I am safe and
protected. Everything will slow down soon.”

Step 2
Find a place to be alone. Enter a room and shut the door. Turn off the lights
and stifle as much sound as possible. Lie on a bed or the floor and try to
sleep. If you cannot fall asleep, just close your eyes and rest, breathing
deeply. If your mind is whirling, practice your mindful meditation tool. You
can also use your protection visualization tool, putting up your shield around
your aura. Stay solitary for a day or more, depending on the person or
situation you are dealing with and your needs. Determine what is best for you
and honors your needs. Make adjustments to your length of time and practice
as you need. Keep in mind, extreme isolation is not good for you. It can end
up harming you if you let it go too far. Identify the balance that you need to
find to get balanced and not isolated.

Step 3
After you find your silence and quiet, try to get out into nature by yourself for
a while. Take off your shoes and socks and walk barefoot on the natural
ground, if possible. This is an excellent step for grounding yourself and
connecting with nature and your higher power. Make sure the walk is
pleasant and short. Do not push yourself and stress yourself out. The purpose
of the walk is to allow yourself to process the information, not to distract
yourself or stimulate your mind. If you get too physical, you risk preventing
yourself from being able to process. What you most likely need at this
moment is a short and easy hike or stroll. If you are close by, consider taking
your walk by a body of water. Or, instead, walk into the mountains or hills. If
you can, and it is safe, consider putting your feet into the water or get in
completely. The full immersion is best in this situation, if possible, but just a
dip can help cleanse your energy.

Step 4
After your time out and walk in nature, it is ok now to make contact with
others one at a time. Do not dive into a crowded situation if you can avoid it.
Keep your interactions with others short and only choose to engage with
people that will help you neutralize your energy. Stay away from people that
are toxic. Choose to engage only with those that are supportive. Add in more
people slowly and when you are ready to take on more. Trust your intuition
to guide you to who, how, and when you should engage with others.

Step 5
Consider making your bedtime a daily, small retreat time. When it is time to
go to sleep, pay attention to the shift in the energy in your house, and even in
your city. You will notice things become quiet and calm. This is the perfect
time to create a nighttime ritual for your protection and health. Use the
stillness to help you re-center and recharge. This can include a nightly
visualization, meditation, emotional release, etc.

Step 6
During the times when you cannot avoid overstimulation and stillness is not
an option, use your mental tools to bring up your shield. Things like toxic
people, emergency rooms, traffic jams, and busy airports are all challenging
situations. And they are often situations that you cannot get away from
quickly. To help you overcome the stimulation and protect yourself from
becoming overwhelmed, recite the shield visualization mantra, “My energy is
protected with a strong shield. It keeps out harmful influences with its
impenetrable forces and unbreakable strength. It does not allow anything
negative into my energy. It only allows positivity and high vibrations into my
energy. When I need to, I can lower my shield.”

Step 7
There are other daily rituals you can do to help protect yourself. These
include minimizing your daily stress levels and eating healthy. One of the
biggest things you can do for yourself is to reduce the amount of constant
stress in your life. As stress builds up, you begin to lower your shield to
divert your energy top dealing with the stress. This, in turn, opens you up to
overstimulation. Keep practicing activities that can help you reduce stress,
like meditation and exercising. The physical exertion at this point is helpful at
releasing pent up stress and energy. Just ensure that you are choosing to
engage in this activity for the best of your body. The other part of this
suggestion is to eat well. This positively supports your body. If you are filling
it with foods it needs to constantly fight and struggle with, you are moving
your energy to another place that could have been used for healing and
protecting yourself. Healthy fuel helps you keep up your shield.

Step 8
Make a promise to yourself that you will find a strategy and combination of
tools to help protect and heal yourself. It is a commitment to your protection
and self-care on a physical, mental, and emotional level. This commitment
needs to ring true and through in everyday life and in overstimulating
situations. Keep a journal about what you plan to do and what you do
implement. Reflect on what worked and was valuable, and what did not help
you at that moment. Write down what you would like to change up for the
next time. When you find a situation beyond your control, consider repeating
the following mantra silently to yourself, as often as you need it, “I will
honor my gifts and my needs. I will treat myself with love and be kind to
myself as I learn more about being an empath. Every day I will take the time
to appreciate who I am.”
 Chapter 82: Grounding for Empaths

Grounding is a common and frequently used technique by many empaths.

This technique helps you strengthen your connection to Mother Nature and
absorb the positive energy from the earth. Simply standing barefoot in the
grass and allowing your feet to dig into the earth is a great way to ward off
negative energies.
When you are feeling overwhelmed, or before an event you know will result
in sensory overload, practice grounding visualization. If you can do this
outside, it will be even more centering. Picture yourself as a tree. Beneath
you, roots are growing from your feet, deep into the earth, holding you
steady. Use your roots to absorb the positive energy of the earth into yourself,
causing you to grow and flourish. You are sprouting new, healthy, green
leaves. Perhaps, you are a flowering tree. The buds are slowly opening,
soaking in the sunshine. When you feel adrift in life, use this technique to
feel grounded.
Grounding Methods for Your Emotions
The best, and possibly only, a method for grounding your emotions is to find
a center. This is necessary in order for you to use your gifts to help others
around you and yourself. You need to be able to protect yourself from the
negativity and suffering of those around you. If you cannot do this you will
be enveloped in the pain, resulting in you constantly reacting to these
negative waves rather than mastering your gift and using it for good.
When you can learn to “master” your gift you can feel lifted from the weight
of being an emotional empath. This control allows you to switch “on” and
“off,” letting you choose when to feel the emotions of others when you
decide. You can learn to choose to “see,” or feel, what they are feeling and
when you rather not engage in it. You can also develop the ability to let
other’s emotions go so you can come back to your true center. This way you
can realign with your true self and use the knowledge you gained by tapping
into the other person to advise or guide them. But this mastery takes time and
attention to develop.
Since empaths are about energy – feeling, detecting, transmuting and
vibrating vivacious frequencies – the ether is somewhat an asylum for
delicate creatures. It tends to resemble washing in an ocean of light. It is
serene, quiet, and unlimited. Etheric vitality is a language that empaths get it.
It just bodes well. It feels like home. For you, being ethereal ought to
consistently be the simple part. Being encapsulated and grounded as a person,
in any case, while feeling and detecting the majority of the energies around
you, took much all the more becoming accustomed to!
Gliding Around and Crash Landing
Try not to be accustomed to being grounded by any means, frequently feeling
floaty without a stay. You can be imbued with a mind-blowing feeling of
softness, yet you could thump somebody over with a plume. This is the place
the issue may begin from. It can bring about ceaseless 'crash arrivals' – back
to earth! These unexpected, brutal shocks can even send you in turn. You
may feel overpowered and thoroughly washed through with disorderly
energies, an inclination that is so natural for empaths. Without being
grounded, it tends to be hard to release the strengths that you had accepted.
Without a firm ground to remain on, you cannot understand that feeling of
steady quiet that usually happens when anybody is earthed.
There may be a moment that it occurs to you that without imbuing your
experience of being an empath with an Earth association, you could be
merely drifting around like a tumble-weed in the breeze; which is all great.
However, it cannot generally fill a need. Your otherworldly encounters can
be astonishing, with the most dominant of acknowledging; yet you could be
floating. You may understand that your endeavors to acquire the heavenly
and genuinely fill your need can be pointless except if you give it a firm
ground to arrive upon. In this way, you ought to before long become familiar
with the imperative significance of being grounded.
For What Reason Is Establishing So Significant for Empaths?
One of the issues that empaths and exceptionally sensitives face is feeling
exhausted and fatigued because we take on an excessive amount of vitality
from outside of ourselves. Here is the reason establishing is significant.
• Grounding offers a moment approach to release undesirable energies
• Grounding bolsters you enthusiastically
• Grounding reestablishes and revives your vitality field
• Grounding advances a moment feeling of quiet
• Grounding improves mental, passionate and empathic clearness
• Grounding gives your life's motivation someplace to arrive
The Mother Earth Association
Even though you may feel the profundities of empathy for Mother Earth,
being grounded does not work out efficiently for some Empaths. It is
typically a procedure that must be educated. The brilliant incongruity for you
could be, that regardless of your tendency towards the etheric domains,
Mother Earth can be probably the best motivation. With the unlimited love of
a genuine Mother, she can continually be close by, controlling you through
this manifestation. You could not need to request a superior instructor. She
addresses each individual, managing individuals with her antiquated
shrewdness – all you have to do, is tune in.
Physical bodies are made of similar stuff that Mother Earth is. In this sense,
individuals are all likewise offspring of the Earth (regardless of were known
to humanity individuals feel they may have recently originated from). When
you go out into nature, your vivacious recurrence starts to sway a similar
recurrence as the Earth. This breathes life into you. It inhales everybody. It
reestablishes and revives your vitality field. The reappearance of Mother
Earth is amazingly mending. It is superbly designed for an ideal person.
 Chapter 83: How to Protect Personal Energy?

Protecting our personal energy is critical. I am always aware of that—mainly

emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual strength. And not only do I take
care of it through food or exercising, but daily through thoughts, emotions,
and interactions with people.
The author of "Bodies of women, the wisdom of women" comments that at
the moment when we connect our energy field with leaks, we will be able to
start closing cycles." When he talks about leaks, he means that many times
the energies of other people influence us.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR ENERGY!
This is my first recommendation to protect you. Don't let another person's
negative attitude infect you and make you feel fatigued. Do not take other
people's energies as personal, and this is also classified as a control action.
However, the way I like best to protect my energy is to keep my space.
Experts recommend that you periodically change the order of your home, so
that negative and positive energy can flow.
Most empaths are driven to give of themselves in order to help restore the
happiness and wellbeing of those around them. Unfortunately, this can lead to
an empath becoming emotionally, physically and spiritually drained as a
result. Even worse, empaths don’t always have someone in their close inner
circle that they can turn to for help in restoring their emotional energies.
Subsequently, it falls on the empath to take the time and effort to protect and
maintain their personal energy levels. Additionally, it will provide some
methods that will help you to stay emotionally grounded at all times. By
following these recommendations, you will not only be able to avoid
becoming run down and emotionally drained, you will be able to start
thriving as an empath.

Bad Practices to Give Up

As an empath the chances are you have developed a number of habits that
serve to undermine your happiness and wellbeing. These habits aren't
necessarily bad behaviors, rather they are good behaviors that have no
boundaries. This is because empaths usually lack the ability to say "no,"
meaning that good, noble traits such as being giving and selfless can become
all-consuming. Subsequently, it is important to recognize and eliminate these
practices in order to maintain your emotional balance, health and overall
wellbeing. Bad practices to give up include:
• Always trying to please others. Needless to say, trying to please others
isn't a bad thing unto itself, however, when left unchecked it can create a
situation where an empath over-commit themselves. By always saying "yes"
to others you allow yourself to be used continuously, never giving yourself
the time and space to restore your energy levels. The result is that you
become drained and spent, much like a cell phone that isn't charged regularly.
One of the most difficult yet important lessons to learn for any empath is to
put their needs first from time to time. After all, you can only help others
when you are strong enough to do so. Therefore, by looking after yourself
you are ensuring that you can be of service to others.
• Being an enabler. Another bad practice that needs to be eliminated from
your behavior is that of being an enabler. Unlike trying to please others,
however, this behavior truly is bad in nature. The reason why it’s easy to
enable others to behave badly is that, as an empath, you can relate to why
they need to behave badly. Unfortunately, not only does this not help the
other person, it also serves to harm you as well. After all, most of the bad
behaviors you enable involve how the other person treats you, meaning that
by enabling them you only allow more harm to come your way. Therefore, it
is essential that you recognize bad behavior when you see it, and rather than
enabling it you take a stand and protect yourself from it. You can forgive and
accept someone without actually encouraging their negative side.
• Carrying other people’s burdens. This is a behavior that affects almost
every empath at some point in time. Whenever you see someone else
suffering, as an empath you feel the need to alleviate that suffering. In the
event that you can’t find a solution to what is creating the suffering you take
on the burdens of others in order to make their lives better. While this seems
like a good idea at first it actually is quite the opposite. First, it results in you
taking on more burdens than you can handle. In the end, each person should
only ever have to carry their personal burdens and no more. The second
reason this is a bad behavior is because it enables the other person to continue
going in the wrong direction as they don’t have to carry the burden of their
consequences. Ultimately, you have to let others experience the pains and
burdens in their life to learn their lessons accordingly.
• Always taking the blame. One of the strongest traits of an empath is the
unwillingness to cause harm to others. Unfortunately, this trait can result in
an empath always taking the blame for when things go wrong, even when
they aren’t at fault. This can create several problems, both for the empath and
for the other person involved. By always taking the blame, you allow the
other person to avoid accountability for their actions, thus enabling them to
behave badly over and over again. Doing so robs them of learning valuable
life lessons. Additionally, by always taking the blame you carry the burden of
responsibility for other people’s actions and wellbeing. The weight of such
responsibility will eventually prove too heavy, leaving you crushed under its
weight.
• Feeling obligated to spend time with others. Another behavior that
appears positive but is harmful is feeling obligated to spend time with others.
This can significantly rob you of valuable alone time in which you recharge
your emotional batteries, thereby leaving you vulnerable to emotional fatigue
and even depression. Furthermore, you may wind up spending time with
people who are highly negative, resulting in your energies being drained and
damaged by their negative energy. In order to protect yourself you need to
avoid such obligatory behavior, making choices that benefit you instead.
• Being addicted to victimization. Sometimes when an empath allows
themselves to be victimized repeatedly, they begin to become defined by the
process. After a while they identify with always being drained, depressed and
taken advantage of. This can become so ingrained that when an empath
begins to feel strong and happy, they feel guilty, almost as though they aren’t
fulfilling their purpose. It is important to remember that your purpose is never
to be victimized. Therefore, such things as happiness and wellbeing should be
normal for you, not the exception to the rule.
• Giving energy to those who take it for granted. This is one of the main
ways in which an empath allows themselves to be victimized in the first
place. By giving your time, effort and emotional energy to those who take it
for granted you will only ever drain your resources with nothing to show for
it at the other end. It’s a bit like trying to fill a bucket with a huge hole in it.
No matter how much water you put in, the bucket will always demand more.
Eventually you need to learn to let go of those who take you for granted so
that you can give your energy to those who will appreciate it, and thus be
more effective as a result.
• Being codependent. When you remain in a relationship where the other
person takes and never gives you will spend all your energy and never get
anything in return. Needless to say, this will leave you in a constant state of
feeling drained and even depressed. It is critical for an empath to only
maintain relationships that are mutually beneficial. Only then will the time
you spend with others restore your energies. Any relationship that is one
sided needs to be ended for your happiness and peace of mind.

Good Practices to Start

Discovering and ending bad practices is only half the formula when it comes
to creating a life in which you can thrive as an empath. The other half of the
formula is to discover and practice those behaviors that benefit you. Again, as
an empath you have an increased responsibility to protect and maintain your
energies, therefore it is essential that you perform those practices that will
enable you to do so. The following list includes some of the more effective
practices that will help you to stay strong and happy under any
circumstances.
• One of the most difficult challenges any empath faces are accepting
their empathic abilities. Not only can these abilities be confusing, they can
also be distressing if you don’t know what they are. However, once you
realize the nature of your abilities it is vital that you accept them so that you
can align your mindset with them. Learn to hear your inner voice and to trust
what it tells you. Only then can you rid yourself of the inner conflict that so
many empaths face.
• Own your gift. Accepting your empathic ability is only the first step
toward creating a rich and fulfilling life. The second step is to own your gift.
This is where you take the time to nurture your abilities so that they serve to
improve your life. One thing many empaths fail to recognize is that their
empathic abilities are for their benefit as well. You shouldn’t feel as though
you are only meant to improve the lives of those around you. Instead, you
should constantly use your abilities for your benefit as well. Learn to discern
those you can trust from those you can’t, and protect yourself accordingly.
Furthermore, use your intuition to know which paths will lead to failure and
which paths will lead to the success you so richly deserve.
• Develop emotional detachment. Due to the sensitive nature of being an
empath, it is vital that you learn to develop emotional detachment. This is the
mindset where you can recognize the emotions of those around you without
being affected by them. Buddhism and other similar traditions promote
emotional detachment as a method of avoiding suffering. By engaging in
such practices as meditation and mindfulness techniques you can develop the
ability to detach yourself from even the most negative emotional
environment, thus protecting you from the harm such negativity would cause.
• Meditate on a regular basis. Meditation is probably the most proven
technique with regards to developing emotional detachment. Therefore, you
should take the time to find a form of meditation that best suits you. Not all
forms are the same, therefore if you don’t take to one simply let it go and try
another. The important thing is that you find one that works for you. Not only
will the right meditation help you to become detached, it will also help you to
balance your energies, thereby releasing any stress that has built up due to
exposure to negative people or circumstances.
• Practice shouting, running and other forms of catharsis. Another way to
release stress and anxiety due to being exposed to negative energies is to
expend it physically.
• Develop somatic mindfulness. Sometimes an empath can lose touch
with their personal emotions due to the constant flow of emotions from the
outside world. This results in them not attending to their own needs. One way
to overcome this is to develop somatic mindfulness. This is a technique
where you focus on different parts of your body to determine your emotional
state. A tense jaw, for example, is indicative of stress and anxiety. An
elevated heart rate can point to anxiety or even anger. Shallow breathing, stiff
shoulders and clenched fists can also point to anger, stress and other negative
emotions. By taking the time to assess your body you can determine your true
emotional state, and thus take steps to correct any imbalances you are
experiencing.
 Chapter 84: How to Increase Positive Energy?

Once an empath starts to embrace their gift and understand that they do not
have to carry other people’s energy around with them, a natural curiosity
about energy sets in. Through your symptoms and experiences, you are aware
of how powerful energy can affect you in a negative way. If this is the case, it
is also possible that energy can have a positive effect on you.
Once you have learned how to deal with the stress of carrying energy, it then
frees you to learn how you can use energy positively. Learning how energy
works is an exciting adventure, and it can take you to places in life that you
did not think existed. As you have read, many empaths become healers; these
are the people who have learned how to embrace their gift because they
understand how their energy can have a positive effect on others.
The first step in learning about energy is to understand how to ground
yourself from different energy. This will help you to avoid becoming
overwhelmed by the energy that you can feel. One of the most popular
grounding techniques is through visualization. This is where you consciously
imagine yourself being grounded; here are some steps to get you started:
Sit comfortably in a chair and position both of your feet firmly on the ground
with your palms facing upwards. Don’t force yourself into a certain position;
simply allow your body to relax into the chair. Imagine that a piercing white
light is radiating from the sun and through your crown chakra and leaving the
bottom of your spine and then into the earth’s center. Imagine that as your
body is being filled with the white light, negative black energy is being
released through your palms. When your entire body has been filled with the
white light you will naturally relax knowing that you are now filled with
positive and peaceful energy.
You should practice visualization on a regular basis as a strategy to keep you
grounded to the earth underneath you, to release the negative energy that has
attached itself to you and to enhance your empath gift.
Working confidently with energy will cause you to stop feeling as if you are
out of control. It will enable you to protect yourself and heal yourself and the
people who are placed in your path. Ultimately, it will give you the ability to
control the energy that is directly affecting you.
There are many things that you can excel in when you learn to effectively
handle energy, which is one of the reasons it is so attractive to many. It is
your divine right to learn how to navigate this powerful terrain of energy so
that you can use it in a way that benefits you and others.
Mediums are reliant upon the presence of a spiritual energy outside of
themselves to gain accurate information about the person they are reading. In
the work of mediumship, a connection is made with the dead to deliver
messages to those who are alive. Information is received directly from the
dead, angels and spirit guides. There are four main types of mediumship:
CLAIRSENTIENCE
You strongly sense the emotions and feelings of people, spirits, animals and
places. You feel these emotions both in your heart and in your body; you also
feel the presence of spirits. If you have clairsentient abilities:
• You are very sensitive to your surroundings; you easily sense the vibe
of a person or place.
• You have unexplainable physical or emotional reactions when you go
to places where there are large crowds.
• Your emotions change suddenly when you are around people or when
you arrive at a person’s home.
• You know what people are feeling without them telling you; you can
empathize with people easily.
• You can feel the presence of spirits.
• When people are in pain, you can feel it in your own body.
• You use the words “I feel” when you are having conversations with
others.
• You can taste and smell things from the spirit world.
CLAIRCOGNIZANCE
Information comes to you spontaneously; you don’t doubt it and believe in
your soul that it is 100 percent accurate. This information will either come in
the form of figures and facts, or you just know the truth of a situation, a
girlfriend/boyfriend or a career path. If you have claircognizant abilities:
• You receive the answers to things and don’t understand how or where it
came from.
• You have very inspirational, creative and beneficial ideas.
• Your mind is never still; you are always coming up with a new idea,
especially when you are working on a project.
• You automatically know when someone is telling the truth or not.
• You tend to use the words “I know” when having conversations with
others.
CLAIRVOYANCE
You see things as images in your mind or as a precognition in dreams before
they manifest. If you have clairvoyant abilities:
• You constantly have very vivid dreams.
• Are very imaginative and spend a lot of time daydreaming.
• Always speak in metaphors.
• You can see shapes, colors, pictures or objects when you close your
eyes to sleep or during meditation.
• You see flashes of light, sparkly lights, or movements through the
corners of your eyes.
• You often use the words “I see” when you are talking to others.
CLAIRAUDIENCE
You hear messages either inside your mind or audibly. For the majority of
people, these messages come in the form of telepathic communication,
meaning that the spirits will have a conversation with you through your
thoughts. You can have a conversation with the spirits, and they will reply. If
you have clairaudient traits:
• You listen more than you talk.
• You speak to plants and animals because you believe that they can
communicate with you.
• You often feel as if you are the recipient of telepathic information.
• When you provide really helpful advice, you forget what you said
straight away and wonder where you got such wise information.
• You often hear buzzing or ringing in your ears. You experience the
same sensation in your ears just before they pop on an airplane.
• You use the words “I hear” when speaking to people.
Focus on results. A path without purpose discourages anyone, so it is vital to
define your goal. When the goal is closer every day, your energy will
increase.
Focus on the "I can. "Even if you are afraid to risk making changes in your
life because you already have children and a thousand debts, remember that
the key is to think in the direction where we are going and not drown thinking
about where we are now.
Identify that it is not adding value to your life and that they are stealing
energy. Issues to pending conversations? Projects to do? Tolerance with
situations you don't share? Free! Loose! Negotiate! Act! Solve!
 Chapter 85: How to Immunize Your Aura from
Negative Energies?

Some people who have high sensitivity are able to see the aura, although it is
not normally visible to the physical eye. You can investigate your perception
of auras by practicing an exercise to see one's aura or that of others. To try to
see someone's aura for the first time, look at the person (attentively) for about
a minute, then close your eyes. See the outline of the person inside their
eyelids, as if they had a clear light behind. That line is the aura. You can do
that for yourself, glancing in the mirror or taking a gander at your own hand.
You may consider them to be as shading or seem to vibrate or beat.

Negative Energy and The Aura

When you are depressed, physical energy is also depressed. Negative
emotions such as fear and anxiety, create blockages to our physical energy, as
well as our emotional energy and the aura. When the aura cleanses itself of
negative energy, it releases itself from what is stagnating one.
Let's examine the three steps to protect the aura of negative energy:
1. Clean the Aura
Your energy field can get messy with an emotional charge or blocked energy.
Here are some options to clean the aura:
Sunlight: Go out and expose yourself to sunlight (as it heals) for a moment to
revitalize your energy.
Meditation: Sitting calmly and peacefully can help discharge negative
energies and emotions.
2. Cure the Aura
Like your mental health, the vital energy of your aura can be damaged due to
life-experienced trauma. To cure the aura, you may need the help of a
professional to work through the negative feelings you may have, free them,
and find peace.
If you require the help of a professional, you can seek an accredited therapist
to help you identify the energy blockage in your aura.
By yourself, you can try these techniques to clean up physical damage and
release negative energy.
Forgiveness: Not only letting go of the pain of the past but also forgiving the
person who caused it, can clear the negative energy of your aura.
Visualization: Imagine a white light filling your body and spreading through
your skin. When filling the space around, the white light pushes out any dark
or hazy part of your aura.
You may find it useful to continue reading the following articles: Knowing
Forgiveness and Treatment of Forgiveness and Release.
3. Protect the Aura
Once clean and healed, the aura must be protected from future damage. Since
we are talking about psychological pain, it is necessary to protect yourself
from being hurt by the negative emotional energy of others.
Being empathetic toward others means that they understand how they feel.
Sometimes we feel their pain along with them. Being empathetic is kind
management, but it should never be done at the expense of one's mental
health.
To protect yourself, try one of these techniques:
Be attentive: Recognize when the emotions you are feeling are from another
person. If your partner is angry, identify that emotion and realize that, but
remember that the anger is theirs and not yours.
Love yourself: Protect yourself from psychological attacks by loving and
respecting yourself more than the attacker. You do not deserve to be abused.
Care must be taken to be patient and not react violently in extreme cases.
Non-Reaction implies an act of love for oneself and for others. After the
storm comes, calm and solutions can be seen more clearly!
Visualize a shield: Visualize that your bright white aura expands, covering
your body in a protective zone that cannot be invaded by others. Imagine the
aura as a white bubble that can be folded but never explodes.
Sometimes, people develop psychic powers when they are not grounded and
stable enough to handle the doors they are opening. Instead of the
information being a blessing, life becomes overwhelming and confusing; Too
much information is not a good thing.
Others deliberately develop clairvoyance for selfish or harmful motives, and
psychic powers have a long history of being abused. Having psychic abilities
does not always correspond with spiritual development. Many psychics with
remarkable talents are not especially wise or advanced, and vice versa. Please
use discretion when developing your skills and sharing these techniques with
others.
Psychic abilities unfold naturally with spiritual practice as the self-expands
and the universe is discovered. The phenomenon can be magical or upsetting
(sometimes both), and if it is causing you distress, learning how to live with it
and controlling the ability is in your best interests. Researching the situation
can be of great help, and sometimes, all you need is to know is that you are
not crazy. Do not hesitate to contact a professional if you feel like you are in
over your head.
An important consideration is whether or not others allow their inner
processes to be perceived. Being able to see or sense the energy in any given
person, place, or object is an advanced skill. In general, other people must
give you access to their energy to be able to perceive it, and the other party
has the choice to block you, should they choose to do so.
Under these circumstances, you usually will not be able to see what you are
wanting to, and will not be able to do so without consent. The exception is
having a very good reason for obtaining the knowledge you seek or, in darker
circumstances, disregarding the other person’s requests and forcing your way
into their energy.
Let’s begin with sensing the aura:
• Begin by going to a place that makes you feel happy. Maybe it is a
park, zoo, restaurant, or a family member’s home.
• Sit in your favorite spot and enjoy the feeling you get while you are
there.
• See what you notice and what you feel. Try to go beyond what your
five senses perceive and feel the energy around you. You may want to close
your eyes.
• Try moving around the area, and see if you notice how the energy
changes — maybe one spot is more positive or intense than the other.
• Now walk away from your oasis and feel how the energy changes with
the environment. What do you perceive?

How to See Auras

Seeing energy is a much more developed and refined sense. Many have
caught a glimpse of it at some point, only to dismiss it as their mind playing
tricks on them. They may have seen light, color, or a fuzzy field around a
person’s outline.
When you first begin to practice seeing auras it usually begins by seeing what
looks like mist and waves. Honing in on colors and other details will take a
lot of time and practice for most. Those with a natural proclivity most likely
developed their skill in previous incarnations.
There are probably more individuals that can see auras than we realize.
People often keep such details about themselves secret, in the fear that they
will be labeled as “weird” or “unstable”, and will be rejected or judged by
their peers. Nonetheless, those who have this ability sometimes put it to good
use.
To practice seeing auras certain techniques can train the eyes to register
subtle information. One such technique involves using the peripheral vision:
• Go into a room with a plant and dim the lights. Ideally, the plant will be
against a solid, light, neutral wall.
• Look at the plant with your peripheral vision instead of viewing it
directly. With repeated practice, a misty outline will appear around the plant.
• After this, you can move onto animals and humans.
Chapter 86: Understanding Your Empathic Nature

Does being empathic means you are a natural empath? Being empathic
allows us to form meaningful connections with those around us, but for an
empath, this can actually make it more challenging for them to want to be
surrounded by people as you will learn.
Many are the times' people have told you that you are way sensitive or even
emotional. You must have felt drained being amongst these kinds of people.
If you have ever experienced anxiety especially when in crowds, a feeling of
either anger or happiness especially if your friend is feeling the same, or even
felt that people around you were telling lies, then this topic will tell you more
about that feeling! This answers these questions: the meaning of an empath,
who an empath is, characteristics of empaths, and the general types of
empaths. From all these explanations, you will be able to tell whether you are
an empath or not.

Meaning of Empath
An empath is a highly sensitive and emotional person with the ability to
detect the feelings and thoughts of those around them. An empath goes
through a bigger deal of empathy such that they can even take the pain or
happiness of others at their costs. It entails placing yourself in another
person's shoes and empathize with them.

Who Is an Empath?
An empath is a person who is quickly labeled as sensitive, quickly hurt,
emotionally exhausted by mobs, whose nerves get frayed by smells, sound or
even too many talks, or even overeats to help deal with stress.

What is Empathy?
Empathy refers to the capability of reading and understanding human beings
and being in-tune with and even resonating with other people. Insight can be
a voluntary or involuntary virtue, and it depends whether you are a natural
empath or not.

Characteristics of an Empath
Based on understanding the nature of empaths, you will find that many
people struggle a lot, especially when defining the characteristics of empaths.
You will also come to experience difficulties on whether you are an empath
or not, especially after getting to know the characteristics or traits of empaths.
If you are not confident whether you are an empath or not, the following
characteristics will help you get a concrete answer to your worry. Though a
more significant percentage of people in the world can empathize with others,
only a few of them can be considered as true empaths. A person can
understand fully or fail to understand at all thus considered as a narcissistic
individual. The following traits help you know whether you are an empath or
not:
Highly sensitive: Empaths are naturally empathic and tend to be highly
sensitive. An empath can pick up the slightest adjustments within their
environment or even from those around them. Empath's sensitivity involves
both the physical sensations as well as interpersonal issues. A highly
sensitive empath can feel what other people are feeling.
Highly instinctual: Empaths are more connected to both their feelings and
emotions most of the time and can understand themselves better more than
anyone else would do. They are aware of their gut intuitive and can take note
of the same. They tend to have strong instincts than anyone else, and this
helps them avoid any manipulators.
Introverts: In many cases, empaths are very withdrawn, but this does not
necessarily mean if you are highly withdrawn, you are an empath. Empaths
limit their interactions to the levels of close friends or family members or any
kind person they come along. When it comes to crowds, empaths are easily
overwhelmed and therefore prefer having their own time since interacting
socially makes their inner abilities amplified.
Selfless: Unlike the egotists who value themselves and tend to be selfish,
empaths are different as they value other people's needs while forgetting
about their wants or needs.
Easily connecting with others: Empathic people are easy to communicate
with, and at times, they do it quickly without even knowing it. Others might
find it hard to keep with an empath's pace of connecting levels, and they tend
to feel that the empaths bond fast, therefore making those around them feel
unnatural.
Too forgiving: Since they put themselves in other people's shoes, empaths are
too lenient. They always feel what others are experiencing when confronted,
and therefore, they forgive easily to avoid unnecessary disrespect, empaths
forgive others and ignore their rudeness and unacceptable habits.
Tend to put others before themselves: As said above, empaths are selfless
such that they put other people before themselves. Naturally, empaths
embrace that the needs of other people way more important than their desires.
Easily detect lies: An empath can quickly tell when one is lying or deceiving
and therefore, they easily avoid falling prey to manipulators and the
persuaders. Amongst a crowd, an empath can detect untruthful individuals
easily.
Desire to make the world a better place: Empaths embrace humanity and
most of their deeds are aimed at making the world a better place for everyone
to live and be happy in. Most of their works are charitable rather than their
own projects.
Inquisitive: Empaths are hard to convince with any pieces of evidence found
on the surfaces. They will always try to dig deep and find any hidden reality.
They will question any fact, not to get any answers but to come up with
thought-provoking queries that make them start philosophizing.
Absent-minded: It is funny that empaths are always inattentive. They forget
quickly and always absent-minded due to the overwhelming they experience
from the emotions and feelings around them. The emotions and feelings
around them sway them away till they lose focus on essential things. They
get fully immersed in feelings and emotions; a situation that makes them
forget easily.
Easily accept responsibilities: Many people get quickly confronted by the
aspect that they tend to blame other individuals for their faults, but empaths
are opposite of that. An empathic person will take full responsibility for their
mistakes instead of trying to accuse others or their environment. Though this
sets them free, it may also bring about acceptance of other people's mistakes
hence suffering for a burden which is not theirs.
Creative: Empathic people are very creative since they spend most of their
time doing what they are imagining. In most cases, empaths like painting,
making music, being designers, artists, take complicated courses such as
engineering, accounting, and law, while others are writers. These courses and
careers involve creativity and complex imaginations.
Tend to daydream: It has been said in the above points that empaths are
inattentive and get distracted easily.
Absorb other people's feelings: Empaths tend to tune so much into other
people's feelings and emotions and this makes them understand those around
them emotionally. This connection makes the empaths absorb what others are
experiencing or going through emotionally through interacting with them
emotionally.
Cannot relax in a crowd: An empath will always seek private time where they
get to recharge themselves since they can never relax or feel comfortable in
the presence of a crowd.
 Chapter 87: Identify Your Emotions

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If you are an emotional empath, it is kind of like being an emotional
“sponge.” Often you know what is going on and that it is happening, but you
may not understand why it is occurring to you and what you can do about it.
To start, you need to first accept that the world you live in is alive.
Everything around you respond to the influences on it. Sometimes the
influences are direct and sometimes they are more vibrational. The energy
pulsing in the world is a vibrational influence that can alter the response of
any living thing. It is like when the wind blows through the branches of a tree
and the leaves shake in the unseen influence.
This means that everything around you have its own energy and a “bubble”
around it of it influence on its environment. Every person and the living thing
have the ability to influence and feel the energy of another because our
“bubbles” are constantly connecting and bumping into others. You can
observe this if you take a walk outside. You encounter plants, animals, and
insects, all with their own “bubbles.” Have you ever walked past an animal
and known that it was nervous, scared, or angry? You can see it in their body,
but you can also hear it in their voice. It is like you can see the emotion
radiating out of them. Have you ever walked past a person and felt that there
was something disturbing them just by the way their body reacts to their
environment? Their mannerisms are just a little “off?” While this sense is not
just for emotional empaths, or empaths in general, it is a good way to
recognize how you respond to the emotions of others by “reading” their
cues.
For you to use your emotions the right way, you need first to identify the
emotions the right way. Let us look at the best way to identify the emotions:
✓ Understand the Trigger
The first step towards identifying the emotion is first to know what caused it.
This will help you to describe the events that led to the emotional event. In
this step, try to stick to facts alone.
You can write down the event that led to the emotion so that you have it clear
in your mind.
✓ Why Do You Think It Happened?
The next step is to identify the possible causes that led to the emotional event.
This is crucial because it determines the meaning that you give to the
situation that happened. The type of emotional event that led to the issue will
determine the way you react to the event in question.
✓ How the Situation Made You Feel?
The next step is to determine how the emotional event made you feel both
physically and emotionally. This will help you see whether the emotion
resulted in a positive or negative reaction.
You need to notice both the positive as well as the negative emotional and
physical reactions that you felt when it happened. Notice any physical
feelings that you experience, such as tightness in the body.
✓ What Was Your Reaction
You need to ask yourself this question so that you understand your urges.
However, for the process to be effective, you need to make sure you are
completely honest. It might be painful to admit some of the urges that you
felt when the event happened. When we face some situations, we at times get
strange urges to react differently.
You need to compare your reaction at the moment that things happened and
how you usually react normally. This will tell you whether you managed to
control the urge, or you failed to do so.
✓ What Did You Do and Say?
The next step would be to understand what you actually said or did due to the
emotions. Even though you didn’t manage to respond the right way, you need
to be honest with yourself about how you handled the situation. You also
need to understand how the decision you made impacted on the situation.
This can be a good learning experience for you.
Once you evaluate your reaction, you can then use the situation to learn how
to handle another situation that might arise.
✓ How Did the Reaction Affect You Later on?
The final step in identifying the emotions is to understand the consequences
of the actions that you took. If you said some words during the event, how
did they affect you? On the other hand, if you acted in a certain way, how did
it affect you later on?
So, if you find yourself being overly attached to your emotions next time, you
need to ask yourself what happened and take the time to observe how you
react when it happens. Go through these steps so that you can recognize your
emotions. Once you practice and get used to these steps, you will be able to
identify your emotions the right way and then choose the best way to respond
to situations.

5 Common Emotions Experienced by Humans

Jealousy
Jealousy is a combination of different emotional reactions against the success
of another person. The responses include; anger, fear, and anxiety brought
about not being the primary owner of the privilege. Research has it that both
women and men tend to be jealous because of various reasons. For example,
when a woman believes her rival is more beautiful than her, it is likely to
spark some jealousy. However, it is normal for practically everyone to
experience some level of resentment. When caring about someone or
something important, you may become anxious with the thought of losing the
person or that something to somebody else.
What is Depression?
Being depressed involves your body, moods, and thoughts you will be having
from time to time. When one is affected by depression, the way they deal
with life becomes different. The way you eat, how you feel, and interact with
people becomes different. Depression is a disorder, and it is tough to deal
with it all by yourself.
If you notice you have depression or someone is affected by it, advise them to
seek medical help. When you get the right support, everything will be fine.
Being depressed means, you will experience feelings of sadness that will last
for an extended period. You will eventually lose interest in things that shape
your life. Remember that people who are depressed do not acknowledge who
they are. When one is depressed, it does not mean you have a weakness, or
you are experiencing inadequacy. It is an illness that requires professional
medical help.
What is Anger?
Renown investigators like Berkowitz, who spend most of their time dealing
with psychology, defines anger as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure,
or hostility. It is also considered as a normal, healthy feeling that allows one
to convey a message of reaction to a given situation. As much as it is
reasonable to feel angry, the same attitude can be harmful if you express it in
a way that upset you or the people around you. Everyone has had a feeling of
anger, and everybody has a way of dealing with the sentiment.
The bible has covered the topic of anger comprehensively. The verses that
talk about anger are numerous, but we will only mention a few. We should
avoid responding to people with a negative attitude since it stimulates anger.
Another famous verse about anger is proverbs 22:24 that strongly condemn
us not to befriend hot-tempered people.
What is Fear
Fear is a natural feeling that everyone experiences frequently. It is something
that you cannot avoid because it is a way of responding to severe sensations.
It is easy to confuse fear with worry, anxiety, doubt, panic, and apprehension.
The feeling of being afraid is the worst feeling that anybody would want to
feel. It is uncomfortable, unpleasant, distressing, and at that point, you
consistently try to come out of that situation. Everyone experiences fear in
different ways; everyone is afraid of different things. This makes it
challenging to come up with the right definition of fear.
Stress and Worry
Stress is a natural human response when faced with challenging situations.
Same as fear, the fight or flight action is triggered by the mind when stress is
experienced. Stress might be positive or negative. It is positive when one’s
objectives are to be met; hence, more adrenaline is produced. For negative
stress, depression is always experienced, and one might go to the extent of
killing himself or herself.
 Chapter 88: Appreciate Your Emotions

Both negative and positive emotions are a natural occurrence. We cannot

fully appreciate the positive emotions if we never experience the negative.
The main issue we have with negative emotions is that we think of them as
negative occurrences. When you have a better understanding of these
negative emotions and can learn to accept and feel them as they are meant to
be felt, you can reduce your likelihood of suffering because of them.
Emotions carry their own energy. Positive emotions make us feel good and
therefore provide us with a sense of expansion. Since positive emotions allow
us to relax our body, the energy they carry complements this state of
relaxation. Negative energy, on the other hand, makes us feel constricted.
This can cause us to tense our bodies and puts us in a fight-or-flight mode
which increases our levels of stress. After experiencing negative emotions,
we often feel worn out and deflated. How emotional energy affects is based
on our perception of these emotions. Many view fear, anger, and other
negative emotions as a bad thing.
Emotions can be complex, because it can be difficult to understand just why
they arise. Though many individuals look at the situation they are
experiencing in the present moment to determine why they react emotionally,
there are several other factors that can impact your emotions. Emotion can be
the result of internal and external factors and the mind tends to use them as a
defense mechanism to protect you from further uncomfortable feelings.
The difference between emotions and mood
Many thinks that emotions and mood are the same, or are at least commonly
interchanged to express the same thing. Emotions and your mood do,
however, have distinct differences. Emotions tend to be experienced over a
short time. They can be intense, and there is always an identifiable trigger
that causes these emotions to occur. Your mood, on the other hand, often
describes a longer lasting state of mind or feeling. Moods may not be as
intense, but it can be equally difficult to identify the cause. It can take days or
longer to pinpoint the trigger for what is causing your mood, especially when
it comes to more negative moods. Often, these are circumstances.
Moods and emotions can, however, be experienced at the same time. Even
when you are in a negative mood, you can experience bouts of joy and
happiness. Typically, your mood and emotions will reflect one another. So, if
you are in a sad or depressed mood, you may feel emotions that are more
anxious, sad, and even angry. Understanding this difference between mood
and emotion will help you better identify what you are feeling, as well as
better understand what triggers can cause these emotions to arise.
How the brain processes emotions
Through a great deal of neurological testing and research, we’ve found that
many areas of the brain can have an impact on emotions. When some of these
areas are damaged or not function properly, it can be more difficult to control
our emotions or interpret them correctly.
1. The cerebrum part of the brain is where emotional control takes places
and identifies how we relate to specific emotions
2. The right hemisphere of the brain is where we process emotional
expressions
3. The frontal lobe of the brain allows us to process the complexities of
emotions
4. In the temporal lobes, we process the audio and visual perceptions from
emotional responses
5. The limbic system is where we access our survival emotions.
Additional sections of the brain may affect specific emotions such as fear and
love, or also affect the emotional response in other areas of the brain.
The hypothalamus affects the limbic system and can impact emotional
response as it regulates hormones.
The hippocampus is the section of the brain that is responsible for storing and
retrieving memories. These memories can have an effect on how you respond
to certain situations, and results in a repeat of emotional response when
confronted with similar situations.
The amygdala is the main area of the brain that is said to process emotions.
When you confront an external stimulus, this area of the brain helps decide
the most appropriate way to respond to that factor. The amygdala also allows
you to process the emotional response of others. Many suggest that this
section of the brain is directly linked to our flight-or-fight response, when we
feel fear or that we are in danger.
The limbic cortex is located in the prefrontal cortex, where we analyze
abstract and cognitive perceptions in order to make sound judgments or
decisions.
Additionally, certain areas of the brain directly control some of our basic
emotions, such as fear, anger, happiness, and love.
Fear
Fear is often controlled by the amygdala. This is believed to be because the
amygdala controls our fight-or-flight response. When we experience fear, a
number of signals are sent off in the body. The amygdala signals the
hypothalamus to release stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol. When these
hormones are released, they cause your heart rate to increase, your breathing
to become more labored, and your blood sugars to spike. This is done to
prepare the body to either flee the situation or to defend itself against the
threat.
Anger
Anger tends to begin in the amygdala, but is also affected by the prefrontal
cortex. Since anger tends to arise out of the fight option of the flight-or-fight
response controlled by the amygdala. But anger can be caused by more than
just encountering a dangerous situation. Anger can also be triggered when
you fail to meet a goal or when something does not turn out the way you
intended. The prefrontal cortex is where anger is regulated. This is where
your brain can determine which type of situation is causing the anger and
trigger the appropriate responses.
Happiness
When you are feeling overall satisfied in life, you tend to have more positive
thoughts. Happiness begins to form in the limbic cortex, and the precuneus is
involved in tracking the happy memories you create. The precuneus is also
what helps you maintain a positive and happy self-image, and helps you
focus on the more positive experiences in your surroundings.
Love
Love is actually first developed in the same areas of the brain where stress
comes from. While love can make you feel happy, the underlying emotions
of nervousness and anxiety also play a vital role in where this emotion
originates. The emotional experience of love triggers the hypothalamus to
release dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Like how fear triggers the
release of stress hormones, love triggers the release of feel-good hormones.
In the brain, dopamine is responsible for triggering the reward system.
Therefore, when you experience love, your brain is associating it as a highly
beneficial reward, encouraging you to seek more of it. Additionally, oxytocin
can have an impact on your behavior as it signals you to be more affectionate
with others.
 Chapter 89: Understand the Emotions

It is hard for an empath to know the difference between emotions. We know

we feel them in the people around us, but we do not always know their
meanings. You might have thought: “I just don’t understand how to define
what I feel in other people.” Alternatively, “I can feel strong sensations, but I
don’t understand what they are signifying.” Not being able to understand
what another person’s sentiments mean is a lot more common than you might
think in an empath’s world.
Every empath quickly discovered their ability to sense emotional energy in
other people, but some will struggle to differentiate between these emotions
and those of your own. Not being able to understand what other people’s
emotions represent is a lot more common than you might think.
When you were younger in your teens and twenties, you might not have been
able to differentiate what emotion you were sensing in other people. You
might not have even realized you were feeling other people’s energy and
emotions. You might have thought that it was your own insecurity that made
you uneasy when you were around specific people. If somebody had any
anger issues, negative energy, hidden pain, or in authenticity, it all might
have seemed very uncomfortable. You might have felt the sensation of their
emotions around your solar plexus area and the vibration was similar to what
bad decisions feel like or a sense of dread. This energy would have a
knockout effect on your mind and body that might have affected your
thoughts and the way you operate.
Before you heard the word empath, you might have been working on
yourself, your spirit, body, and mind. Once you began to develop a spiritual
practice and trying to find balance, you might have been feeling other
people’s emotions or energy very intensely. This might have felt consuming
and very unpleasant. You had not realized that you were sensing energy from
the people around you. When you develop a spiritual practice, it can purify
the empath and will speed up their vibration. This just means that anything in
a lower vibration will feel awful.
The energy that vibrates lower will feel dense, sticky, and heavy. This energy
will bring an empath down and quickly. Because of this many places where
they go frequently like coffee shops, bars, malls, or even the grocery store
was difficult to be in and drained your energy. Even if you were not in this
place for a long time, you felt exhausted. The more balanced you are in being
an empath, the less these energies will affect you.
When you go into a public place, you immediately become aware of a rush of
emotional energy. You might have thought these emotions are yours because
they feel so familiar. When you have felt people’s emotions for your entire
life, but did not realize it, it is common to shape them, so they fit in with your
emotional responses and fears.
If you take some time to look back at your childhood, you might see that you
would convert what you felt from others into fear. Fear is an emotion that
everyone knows as a child and this is how you unknowingly translate all the
energy you pick up from others.
When you finally discovered you are an empath, it might have been a light
bulb moment. Everything that you had not understood how you were feeling
completely made sense to you now. The journey into understanding the
different energy begins.
The more you can develop your life and intuition skills, the more you will
understand what you feel in other people. You will recognize the energy of
grief, angst, insecurity, or untruth. Even though you are getting better at
finding the differences between emotional energies, you are not going to
enjoy the way they make you feel.
Other people’s energy will leave you feeling deflated. Even though you know
the energy does not belong to you, it will still cause very unpleasant
sensations.
If you notice the emotional energy of other people, you will be able to
interpret it as an emotion you do not enjoy or one that is related to an
unresolved problem. It is normal for energy to cause irritation or anger even
if you are not experiencing this emotion.
If you do not like people inside your “personal bubble,” you are not going to
welcome their emotional energy. When another person’s energy suddenly
shows up without being invited inside your energy field could feel
claustrophobic and invasive. The energy that you experience does not have to
stir up negativity or be negative just being invasive can set fires to unpleasant
feelings.
The main reason why anger is a normal response is that humans will have
experienced this emotion at some point in their life. It is all consuming and
normally suffered. If you sense dark energy in other people, your brain might
interpret it as anger since this is a familiar reaction. You did not consciously
choose this response but the part of your brain that is responsible for
triggering that emotion chose it for you.
Everyone reacts to anger in different ways. Some might have a flare-up that
will quickly come and go while others might sit and stew for some time. It
does not matter if other people have brought it on or not, how long this
emotion lasts depends on your activity and nature.
It sometimes takes a while for empaths to learn how to keep themselves from
being affected by other people’s negative energy. Just because you are an
empath does not mean you will automatically understand that energy you are
feeling or to be able to keep it from bothering you.
The first step to being able to define these emotions is how well developed
your self-development is. Striving for balance, quieting your mind using
meditative practices, and developing your intuition can all help with this.
Building your inner power can protect you from taking in the energy of the
people around you. If you have tried these techniques but are still getting
overwhelmed by the emotional energy of other people, or just by life, you
have to think about your energy field and your chakras. They might be out of
balance. Getting everything back into balance is not going to happen
overnight. You have to work at it if you want to understand everything you
are feeling.
Because you are an empath, you are always going to feel other people’s
energy and emotions on some level. It all depends on where you are at in
your empath journey will help determine how your brain or you interpret this
energy. You have to make sure that you do not punish yourself or even feel
ashamed if someone’s energy sparks any type of negative reaction.
You have to work on yourself to build your awareness and take steps to
rebalance the way people’s energy can affect you. It does not matter how far
you have journeyed in creating your self-development, you are only human.
It also does not matter how evolved you have become; you are going to have
days when other people’s energy can frazzle your circuits and could bring
you down.
 Chapter 90: Protecting Yourself from Narcissist

People with a marked narcissism not only stand out for that feeling of
omnipotence and that highly swollen and unrealistic self-image. In addition,
another aspect that most attracts attention to their personality is the way in
which they relate to others, and how easily and spontaneously they generate
discomfort in those around them.
And it is the belief strongly rooted in the narcissist that stands out above the
rest of human beings is not something that is limited to remain isolated in his
mind, without real consequences, but that predisposes him to act in a manner
consistent with that vision of the world. That is why it is very common for
narcissists to try to make others feel insecure, hesitant, and eclipsed by their
real or imagined presence.

How to protect yourself psychologically from a

narcissistic person?
These simple strategies can serve to mitigate the discomfort generated by
certain frequent comments in people with high narcissism. However, keep in
mind that these should be done so that a balance is maintained between your
well-being and that of the other person.
You must keep in mind that partly being narcissistic is not an option; It is not,
of course, for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, nor for those
who, without reaching such clear extremes, have become accustomed to
behaving in this way due to their past experiences and their socialization.
1. Cut the conversation
This is the most radical option, but also the simplest. There are situations that
become so violent that withdrawal is a logical reaction. If you have the
option, do it, and in many cases, this will have the effect of a kind of passive
punishment such as the “time out” technique, in which the person who has
behaved badly stops having access to something that was stimulating or
entertaining.
2. Learn to recognize your feelings
In the face of offensive or contemptuous comments, it is useful to have good
Emotional Intelligence. Experiencing a treatment characterized by the typical
disdain of narcissistic people is not the same as going through that
experience, considering that this situation is explained by the extreme
personality trait of the person who pronounces those words. Thus, the
possible harmful thoughts of self-esteem caused by the behavior of the other
are relativized by the situation. What is happening does not talk about what
the person is, but about the highly skewed thinking of the other person.
3. Remember that every human being has dignity
By default, every person has all the same rights, and all people are worthy.
Whoever questions this principle is simply acting unilaterally, something that
in fact, has no merit since, in any case, it shows an inability to socialize.
Disdain and teasing do not make one worthless, and they are a simple excuse
to maintain that behavior and do not rely on the truth about what one is:
anyone can be mocked, but not everyone sees the need to articulate your
social life through a feeling of superiority that must be fed artificially.
4. Don't reply in the same tone
Replicating in a similar way as the narcissistic person does when trying to be
hurtful will only make the situation worse and longer. It is much better to
contradict his speech (which usually consists of portraying the other person
as immature or incapable) through fortitude, calm, and generally ignoring the
presence of that person.
Once again, the key here is to eliminate the "reward" that would mean giving
importance to the words of the narcissist and, by extension, to him/her as
well.
5. Turn criticism around
If you reflect out loud on the criticisms of the other person showing that you
had already reflected on them long ago and found a way to "deactivate" them,
you will show unwavering security in you, and that will deter the other
person from continuing. It is not necessary to explain why you think they are
misguided (that would give them too much importance), just react in a way
that shows that you are not shocked to hear those things.
Signs That You Are Raising a Narcissistic Child
Parents cannot neglect their children's self-esteem because healthy emotional
development depends on it. However, so much importance has now been
given to self-esteem that parents go beyond what is healthy and end up
raising a narcissistic child.
A recent study of childhood egolatry revealed that parents who believe their
children are better than other children do not help them develop a good self-
esteem. On the contrary, they harm them and increase their risk of becoming
narcissistic. This study concluded that in order to increase children’s self-
esteem, it is important that children feel loved, not feel better than others.
According to the researchers, when children are viewed by their parents as
special and better children than others, they can internalize the view that they
are superior, one that is centered on narcissism. But when children are treated
with love and care by their parents, they internalize the idea that they are
valuable people, a view that is the basis of self-esteem.
However, the overvaluation of parents is not the only factor determining
narcissism.
How to realize if you are raising a narcissistic child
The following are clear signs that your educational practices are favoring the
emergence of a narcissistic attitude in your child.
• Make your child believe he is infallible
Some children have difficulty believing in themselves; although they have
sufficient skills to perform the tasks, they are paralyzed for fear of making
mistakes. Increasing their self-esteem requires parents to support, praise,
cheer, and convey confidence. Then they will realize that they are capable,
which is worth a try.
It is one thing to praise, to acknowledge your successes, to let them trust your
ability to solve problems, and quite another to make them believe that they
will never go wrong.
Children need to learn to live with error; this is the best "medicine" for a
narcissistic child. Error is part of life and learning. Not so when we learn to
walk? Falling and getting up is part of learning. The one who makes mistakes
is the one who lets himself try, who has the opportunity to succeed.
• Compare your child with other children to show that he is superior
From 7 or 8 years of age, children begin to compare with each other.
Sometimes this interest in comparisons begins rather than being encouraged
by parents, who are eager to show how good their children are or the qualities
they believe they possess.
These comparisons create a lot of pressure on children who don't want to be
left behind with their friends.
Being good or better at something doesn't mean being superior, but kids don't
see it that way. Child’s personality is in formation, and it is up to the adults to
guide them correctly.
• Offer the child a model unable to hear criticism
Listening to criticism from others is very unpleasant for many adults, imagine
for a narcissistic child. But we need to provide a model for children to accept
constructive criticism. It is not a matter of bowing your head and saying yes
to everything, but of accepting criticism, thinking about it, talking about the
problem and committing to change, if appropriate.
Children learn by example. If they realize that their parents do not accept
criticism that they are unable to change, that they act as if they are always
right, they will do the same.
In addition, some parents do not accept their criticism of their children, react
irrationally, and place their children on a pedestal of perfection and
superiority.
• Boast and excuse your shortcomings
It is one thing to be proud of a child, and quite another to overvalue and
excuse defects to prove that he is the best. Some children react by rebelling
against their parents and others by feeding their narcissism. Neither option is
an easy and healthy way for them.
From time to time, children "get their feet in their hands," but they don't have
to be ashamed. Say sorry for your misbehavior and show that we are not
always perfect. The important thing is to learn from mistakes.
• Speaking of different or “inferior” children
A different or less capable child is not an inferior child. But if your child
hears you criticizing such child for any reason, be it for an intellectual or
physical disability or because he/she is dressed differently, the child believes
he/she is superior to the child.
Often this negative way of talking about others is one way that one finds to
be better than the other.
You don't have to show the worst of others for your best to appear. If a parent
insists on bad-mouthing other children to make their child feel more
important, all they can do is lose their true perspective about themselves, and
they're worth it.
 Chapter 91: Empathic Protection

The way to Empathic protection is to rapidly perceive the primary indications

of encountering tactile over-burden or when you begin engrossing pessimism
or worry from others. The sooner you can act to lessen incitement and focus
yourself, the more adjusted and ensured you will be. At whatever point you
begin to feel depleted or overpowered, practice the accompanying five
security tips.

Shielding Visualization
Protecting is a snappy method to secure yourself. Many empaths and touchy
individuals depend on it to shut out lethal vitality while permitting the free
progression of inspiration. Approach it consistently. The moment you are
awkward with an individual, spot, or circumstance, set up your shield. Use it
in a train station, at a gathering on the off chance that you are conversing
with a vitality vampire, or in a pressed specialist's lounge area. Start by taking
a couple of, deep, long breaths. At that point, imagine an excellent shield of
white or pink light encompassing your body and expanding a couple of
crawls past it. This shield shields you from anything negative, distressing,
harmful, or nosy. Inside the security of this shield, feel focused, glad, and
invigorated. This shield squares out cynicism, and yet, you can, in any case,
feel what is absolute and cherishing.

Define and Express Your Relationship Needs

Knowing your needs and having the option to affirm them is a reliable type
of self-security for empaths. At that point, you can be in your full power in a
relationship. If something does not feel right, raise the issue with your
accomplice instead of enduring quietly. Discovering your voice is
proportional to creating your capacity else you may end up depleted, restless,
or feel like a doormat seeing someone where all your fundamental needs are
neglected. Your accomplice is not a mind peruse. Talk up to shield your
prosperity.
Ask yourself, "What do I need in a relationship that I have been hesitant to
request? Okay, incline toward all the more alone or calm time? Okay, prefer
to rest without anyone else's input at times? Would you like to play more or
talk more or engage in sexual relations more? Or on the other hand, might
you want to move under the full moon together? Give your instinct a chance
to stream without judgment. Reveal your actual emotions — no motivation to
be embarrassed or to keep down.

Set Energetic Boundaries at Work and Home

Empaths frequently endure in their condition when they ingest the worry in
their environment. The work environment mainly can be loud and over-
invigorating. To ensure your vitality level in a sincerely requesting or
swarmed condition encompass the external edge of your space with plants or
family or pet photographs to make a little mental obstruction. Sacrosanct
articles, for example, a statue of Quan Yin (the goddess of empathy), the
Buddha, hallowed dabs, precious stones, or defensive stones can define an
enthusiastic limit.

Prevent Empathy Overload

When you are retaining the pressure or side effects of others, and you have to
discharge the negative vitality breathe in lavender essential oil or put a couple
of drops halfway between your eyebrows (on your third eye) to quiet
yourself. When you capable invest energy in nature. Offset your alone time
with individuals time. For you, time the executives are vital to your mental
stability. You should make an effort not to plan patients consecutively. In
your own life, you do not design such a large number of things in a single
day. You ought to have likewise figured out how to drop plans when you get
over-burden. This is expertise all empaths must adapt, so you do not feel
obliged to go out if you are worn out and need rest. Set clear cutoff points
with vitality vampires and dangerous individuals. Keep in mind, "No" is a
complete sentence. You do not need to continue accounting for yourself. You
are brave about abstaining from depleting individuals, especially when you
are over-burden at long last practice self-empathy. Be sweet to yourself at
whatever point conceivable—refrain from pummeling yourself. In the wake
of a monotonous day, let yourself know, "I did as well as could be expected.
It is alright nectar."

The Jaguar Protection Meditation

When you need additional security studies to prescribe this reflection to
approach the intensity of the puma to ensure you, you should utilize it when
there is an excessive amount of antagonism coming at you excessively quick.
The panther is a savage and patient gatekeeper who can ward off dangerous
vitality and individuals. In a quiet, thoughtful state, from your most profound
heart, approach the soul of the puma to secure you. Feel her essence enter. At
that point, envision this flawless, incredible animal watching your vitality
field, encompassing it, ensuring you, keeping out interlopers or any negative
powers that need to get past. Picture what the puma resembles: his or her
lovely, wild, adoring eyes; smooth body; the agile, intentional way the
panther moves. Have a sense of safety in the hover of this present puma's
security. Give inward gratitude to the panther. Realize that you can approach
her at whatever point there is a need. Feel the intensity of that. As a touchy
person, you should learn the way to manage tangible over-burden when an
excess is coming at you too rapidly. This can leave you depleted, on edge,
discouraged, or debilitated. In the same way as other of us, you may feel
there is no on or off switch for your compassion. This is not valid. When you
think ensured and safe, you can assume responsibility for your sensitivities as
opposed to feeling defrauded by them. To pick up a feeling of security,
perceive some regular factors that add to sympathy over-burden. Start to
recognize your triggers. At that point, you can rapidly act to cure a
circumstance.
 Chapter 92: How to Develop the Empath Gift?

The most vital gift of an empath is what makes them an empath. Their ability
to feel and understand what another person is experiencing can serve a
number of positive purposes. This gift, however, is looked at both as a
blessing and a terrible burden for an empath. Not only is it the emotions that
an empath takes on, but they also absorb the energy attached to these
emotions. They also absorb the energy from their environment. This ability to
absorb energy is where many empaths fail to understand how to protect
themselves or what to do with this energy they absorb.
For many empaths, the energy they absorb tends to stay bundled up inside of
them. When an untrained empath absorbs this energy, it can cause a block in
the flow of their own natural energy. When this energy is positive, it does not
cause much of a concern, but when this energy is negative, it can cause a
number of disturbances for the empath as well as for those around them.
When an empath absorbs negative emotional energy, their own energy will
be drained. This becomes an increasing concern if the empath is unable to let
go or let this negative energy flow from them. When negative energy
empaths tend to be trapped by it. They ruminate over it, and this can lead to
anxiety and depression rather quickly for the empath.
But when an empath understands how to manipulate and read this energy
properly, they can turn it from negative to positive and release this positive
energy back into the world around them. This ability to feel others’ emotional
energy gives the empath the gift of being able to transform negative energy
into positive energy. When an empath is able to train themselves and develop
their gift, not only can they transform negative energy into positive energy,
but they can also help heal others and project more positive emotions into
their environment.
An empath’s gift can vary in degrees. This is dependent on the empath. One’s
ability to utilize their empath gift lies in their willingness to embrace it. Many
empaths block out a lot of energy so as not to suffer through the pain of
others or to go through to confusion of trying to sort out the mess. This
diminishes their gift. On the other hand, those that look at their gift as an
actual gift are able to understand how to utilize it in a proactive way. Instead
of letting their gift diminish them, they use it to empower them and lift up
those around them. They use their gift to heal others and to bring more light
into the work.

Traits of the Empath

Would you know it if you met an empath? Maybe you are still wondering if
you are one yourself, or if you are one and already know that you are, you
may find that many of these traits that are going to be listed resonate deeply
with you. You see exactly how they are related to your ability to interact with
the world around you, and that insight can sometimes be incredibly
informative. With that insight, you can ensure that you are actively working
with your gifts rather than allowing them to hinder you.
The Empath is Incredibly Sensitive
Perhaps one of the most easily-noted traits by others and one that is
repeatedly thrown in the empath’s face is the sensitivity that they tend to
possess. Yes, the empath is sensitive—but that is not a bad thing. The
empath’s sensitivity means that he or she will naturally be a more
compassionate person—when you are sensitive to others and their needs, you
want to help them because it can be hurtful for you not to. The empath’s
sensitivity lends itself well to the empath being a nurturer, even if they are
commonly put off or respond sensitively to many situations.
The Empath Has Very Sensitive Senses
Along with that, emotional sensitivity comes with physical sensitivity as
well. Do not be surprised if you see the empath avoiding certain smells or
textures that are simply unbearable. Similarly, you may find that the empaths
around you struggle to deal or cope with loud noises or other discomforts.
This is often also clumped with being too picky or sensitive, but the empath
cannot help it—their bodies are simply more sensitive.
The Empath Is Incredibly Intuitive
Intuition can be incredibly compelling—it is that gut feeling that tells us to do
something even when we cannot necessarily rationalize it. It is usually a
sense of being run by your emotions rather than by any sort of thinking
process. Empaths are particularly intuitive—they just seem to know things.
They make snap judgments of people and places with shocking accuracy that
should not be disregarded.
The Empath Often Puts Others’ Needs Before Their Own
One of the greatest assets of the empath is their compassion. Being able to
empathize and relate to others frequently leads to a desire to put other people
before them. However, this can frequently lead to burnout as the empath
spends too much time dedicating their energy to others and not enough time
focusing on themselves.
The Empath Reflects the Emotions of Those Around Them
Because of the emotional empathy that empaths everywhere possess, they are
often seen as reflecting the emotions of those around them. They may get
angry, but that could be because others around them are angry. They could
see someone on the street, begging with a sign that says that they are hungry,
and the empath suddenly feels horrible for that person. It is difficult,
however, for the empath to separate out those empathetic feelings and those
that are legitimately his or hers.
Relationships Can Overwhelm the Empath
All too often, empaths can feel overwhelmed in their relationships. The need
to spend time together can be overwhelming sometimes for the empath, and
they are oftentimes frightened off by the notion of having to give up who
they are and what they want or need for someone else. They are willing to
give and are incredibly generous, but the idea of giving themselves up,
allowing an entire relationship to engulf them, can be entirely terrifying. This
frequently leads to them struggling with the idea of relationships, and some
may even choose to forego them altogether.
Empaths Are Targeted Regularly by Energy Vampires
Despite that fear of relationships, however, empaths are frequently targeted
by energy vampires. These are people that are particularly draining to be
around, such as narcissists. They drain the energy of the empath, reflecting
their own negativity inward for the empath tot then absorb in return. This can
be draining all around. These energy vampires tend to have effects on
empaths that lead them to conclude that they are worthless or unlovable,
despite the fact that it is entirely untrue.
The Empath is Most Often an Introvert
Most of the time, you will find that empaths are introverted. The natural wear
of constantly absorbing the emotions of everyone else can be exhausting, so
that tendency of needing to break away for a while to recharge often gets the
empath labeled as an introvert. This is typically an accurate assessment, but
keep in mind that some empaths are genuine extroverts as well. You cannot
decide that someone is not an empath due to their extroversion or assume that
someone is one because they are introverted.
The Empath Needs to Be Alone to Recharge
As already briefly touched upon, empaths need to be alone sometimes to
recharge. This is just how they function. They get overwhelmed and drained
by the emotions of those around them, even if they already know how to
handle emotions that are difficult or heavy. Even if they are prepared to deal
with the emotions of others, it is still prudent that they get time apart
sometimes to let those feelings out.
The Empath Can Recharge Best in Nature, Away from Civilization
When it is time for the empath to release all of that pent-up energy and
negativity, one of the best places to do so is through taking time to release it
into nature. This involves actively spending time out and about away from
human influence. You may choose to go hiking, through a forest, or even into
a field away from others. The point is to get away from the hustle and bustle
of human life and find respite in the energy of nature. In particular, many
empaths tend to have an affinity for the water.
 Chapter 93: Social Anxiety and Empath

Anxiety robs us of vital life energy. This unwanted psychological thought

pattern consumes a significant part of our minds energy which we could use
more productively to enhance our lives.
Without consciously taking control over themselves, empaths are open to
everything. They have no protection. Research has proven that people who
suffer from social anxiety are much more exposed to other people’s
emotional states. This sensitivity causes physical sensations within the body
which is referred to as anxiety.
A 2011 study proved people who suffer from social phobias were
hypersensitive to other people’s mind states and thoughts. The anxiety ridden
participants were able to accurately perceive the feelings and thoughts of
others in their close vicinity. This essentially proved that empathy is a gift as
the volunteers were able to determine others emotional states just from being
in their presence.
However, the downside of this psychic gift was that others emotions and
energies was so distressing for the participants, that their brains would create
anxiety feelings in the body in order to protect itself from what the
researchers referred to as 'emotional pollution'. If your anxiety leads to panic
attacks this can cause empaths to take on other states in an attempt to keep
the panic attacks at bay. These include OCD, not leaving the house and
depression, to name but a few.
Other sources of evidence have proven that empathy is impaired or even
reduced in people who suffer from depression. This could mean that empaths
may unconsciously retreat into depression in an attempt to block their natural
empathic abilities. They may see this as the only real solution to stop
themselves from being overwhelmed by others and their environment.
Depression is effectively a cognitive dissonance, where the suffer denies or
represses their own feelings, whether negative or positive.
Anxiety – The empaths ability to effortlessly pick up subtle energies and
emotions of their environment leaves them overwhelmed by too much
extrasensory input. This overload causes people to panic when it becomes too
much. The whole system feels like it is being bombarded with information
and energy. This creates feelings of inadequacy within us because when we
look around and see everyone else functioning fine, it makes us feel like
we’re the only ones who are so distressed. By seeing others functioning
‘normally’, we make the assumption that they either feel like we do and are
still able to be effective or that they feel different from us, either way this
enforces the belief that we must be either weird or strange. This type of
thinking sends the message to ourselves that something is inherently wrong
with us. Years of this type of programming, is incredibly harmful to an
empaths self-esteem.
Empaths will look to the future if they are often left distressed with anxiety
which creates more dis-ease since they are being pulled out of the present
moment. It is not uncommon to suffer from intense anxiety, with a belief that
something bad is going to happen at any moment. Whether they are going out
with friends, out shopping, out riding in a car, or wherever it is, they are often
accompanied by high levels of fear. Feeling like this essentially takes any
pleasure out of living.
An evolved way to begin to look at this problem is first recognizing that these
thoughts are not giving us what we need. We must find another healthier way
to live. The anxious feelings are coming from our environment and from our
unresolved emotional issues which are being expressed through dysfunctional
thought patterns. The non-stop over anxious feelings are one big
manifestation of all our fears which need to be purged. All anxiety and
negative feelings need to be processed. When there is so much ego energy
and self-loathing in others, like with the general unconscious population, this
is easily picked up and transferred to sensitives.
I used to trick myself into believing that my anxious feelings were keeping
me safe and without them I would end up in fearful circumstances. I would
make logical arguments to myself to justify feeling worried all of the time. In
the end, what I discovered was that I lacked belief in myself. If I had a
healthy sense of self-esteem then no matter what life presented me with, I
would be able to handle it because I was competent and capable. These
positive beliefs can only come from a healthy sense of self-esteem and
confidence. That is why self-love crushes any type of anxiety, if gives us the
belief we can handle life.
For empaths who are familiar with the law of attraction, it is important to
understand that when we are full of fear and anxious, then vibrationally we
are unable to attract the things we want into our lives. We only bring in what
matches our vibration. It is of no surprising then if it sometimes feels like we
are struggling to move forward. We must change ourselves first before our
world can reflect this back to us. Living in fear, anxiety and worry will only
bring more of this into our lives. The hard truth is that empaths will find it
more challenging to change since they must deal with not only their own
issues, but the compounded burden of over stimulation. Of course, this makes
it more difficult, but at the same time, much more worthwhile. The high
empaths can feel once they have conquered themselves is unparalleled.
 Chapter 94: Empath and Relationship

Relationships are not just the connections and interactions we have with other
people. A relationship with yourself must be maintained for overall
happiness.
Some empaths struggle to maintain certain relationships. Whether they cycle
through romantic partners or do not have great relationships with their
family, there might be some tension there. Alternatively, empaths can make
some of the greatest partners of all. They have so much love and passion that
it can make the other person feel complete. Not everybody responds to this
love abundance in the same way, so it can be the very thing that pushes a
couple apart.
An empath makes a great partner because they always know what you're
going through. They'll always be there with you every step of the way.
An empath has a massive heart, and they will always give that to other
people. In the same instance, the more an empath loves, the more they hurt.
An empath won’t actively try to hurt other people because that in itself hurts
them.
An empath also wants to please other people, so this means when they do
need to stand up for themselves, they might struggle to do so. The hate can
end up turning towards themselves, where resentment can fester. Like we
mentioned before, an empath can only keep their emotions bottled up for so
long. Eventually that can cause a big fight or huge explosion if the empath
isn't properly managing their emotions.
When navigating as an empath in a relationship, or as the non-empath with
the other empath, there are a few things you should know about what you're
getting yourself into, and how to manage these relationships in a healthy and
productive way.
The two most important things you will know about managing an empath
relationship is that:
1. It's going to be very intense.
2. Know what their needs are.
An empath is able to fulfill their own emotional meter, but they'll get more
fulfillment from the relationship when you can provide that back.
As the empath in the relationship, you want to be able to recognize what your
own needs are. Sometimes you won't have any idea what they are, and it can
strain your relationship. You might feel upset or uncomfortable with your
partner but not be quite sure why.
You might react poorly to something they do to you, and it doesn't really
make any sense why you would respond that way. When you can get in tune
with yourself and recognize your own needs, it will improve your
relationships and keep all parties involved in a happier, healthier place.
Being an empath in a friendship can be a good and bad thing. You may twist
it to empaths having a difficult time finding friends due to manipulative
people taking advantage of them, and that is true at times. However, here are
some reasons why empaths make the best friends:
• Empaths know what you are thinking before you say it.
• Empaths have the ability to feel others’ emotions as if they were theirs.
• They recognize toxic people, such as narcissists, right away.
• Empaths avoid egotistical people and will want you to as well.
Empaths know what you are thinking before you say it. If you are telling an
empath a story, they will be able to tell if it is true or not. Most of the time,
they will tell by looking at you. However, if you have been friends for many
years and are talking on the phone, they will be able to tell any
embellishments that you may make.
Managing Your Relationships and Environment as
an Empath
Empaths desire relationships with other human beings just like everyone
else.
However, they differ from non-empaths on how they cultivate and nurture
these relationships. More importantly, their level of sacrifice and
commensurate benefit differs significantly from that of non-empaths. This
makes it extremely important for empaths to manage their relationships in
such a manner that matches sacrifices with benefits.
In this Part, we are going look at the workplace relationship as one of the
most important relationships where empaths are likely going to be more
disadvantaged on the cost-benefit scale.
More often than not, empaths find themselves more drained and draught in
relationships and environments with strenuous social interactions. As we
have seen before, while non-empaths are likely going to be charged up by
vibrant social interactions, empaths are more likely to be discharged. Thus, it
is important for empaths to learn how to survive in such socially strenuous
environments… be it at work, social events, or intimate relationships.
Empaths, like other human beings, are greatly shaped up during their
childhood. It is at this malleable stage that certain enduring characters are
molded. However, it can become a big challenge when it comes to raising a
child empath. There are likely going to be a lot of misunderstandings. And
with these misunderstandings, there are likely going to be a lot of reactions
from parents that may hurt, hinder, or inhibit the growth potential of an
empath child and thus constrain the child’s development. Many empaths
suffer childhood trauma due to having been poorly mishandled by caregivers
(especially parents) who did not understand their unique needs and treated
them in a harsher or more hostile way in the belief that they were being
‘abnormal’ or ‘too demanding of attention’.
Thus, managing relationships and environments is extremely important to the
health and wellbeing of an empath – right from childhood to adulthood.
 Chapter 95: How to Recover and Heal from
Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic exploitation or abuse denotes all kinds of damage from a
narcissistic person. It is more of emotional abuse despite the level, child,
adult, or even a parent. A narcissistic parent is the one who wants their child
to give out all they have to the parents so that their feelings and wants to get
satisfied. Generally, narcissistic abuse can be seen through your relationships
with a narcissist.

Recovering from Any Narcissistic Abuse

Finding yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of the link
should be a worrying situation. The best you can do about this is quitting
such a relationship and starting your own life, even if it means you stay
lonely. If it is an intimate relationship, the best you can do is divorcing your
partner since you will be reasoning with your emotions all through the link,
and this is wasting your own life. A narcissistic partner will always abuse
you, and you will be unsafe from such a link. You should never let yourself
be convinced by a narcissist's apologies, and they will never be empathic or
sorry for their actions. Even if they say sorry or ask for forgiveness, they will
never change. They will still repeat the same mistakes. The following are the
various ways that you can use to recover from narcissistic abuse. They may
sound more of the means of freeing from narcissistic behavior, but they are
more of the ways to your recovery. This is more of what you do if a
narcissistic person follows you back, wanting a new relationship with you.
The steps may contain some of the responses you should give to these
narcissists.
Start focusing on what you can control, and that is your behavior. Many are
the times that people have told you that all that matters in the world is your
happiness. So, focus on making yourself happy instead of focusing on
someone else's happiness while your own identity is suffering. Since you
already detached yourself from them, never mind about what they do or say
about you. The narcissist may come back persuading you to get into a
relationship but remember you are recovering from their previous abuse and
so you should not be convinced by their persuasions. When they approach
you, refer to them as ‘madam' or ‘Mr.' with this, they will fear continuous
persistence and keep off.
Just like in avoiding a narcissistic person, you need to set boundaries after
you have broken up from a narcissistic person to avoid their abuse. Setting
boundaries have minimal or no contact with the narcissist. You can try and
write a script that you will be using any time you are talking to such a person.
Sticking to the script is the most important thing. This may work well when a
narcissist wants to be accepted back, where you write responses like, ‘I really
tried as much as I could to see us have a good relationship but nothing
changed, and it is never healthy being in a relationship with you. I wish you
the best of luck in your life.' This will realize that you are fed up with their
bad behaviors and all you want is your own peace. Keeping these responses
is important and you should not feel guilty of speaking up your mind.
After the breakup, do not show any genuine emotions to your previous friend
of the narcissist. Do not even apologize to them over anything. Narcissists are
bad people who will twist your apology and use it against you to show how
incompetent you were or how guilty you are and what you should allow them
back. Ignore everything that they say to have you apologize or feel sorry for
them.
Do not give room for any abusive behaviors once you break up with a
narcissist. Of course, they will abuse you through texts, emails, or calls.
Make sure you save everything they say over the phone or in their texts. Once
meeting them up, make sure you are safe. You may pick one of your best
friends or family members to accompany you for your safety.
Finally, make therapists your best friends. Being around a therapist most of
the time helps forget about any narcissistic abuse faster and easier. Therapists
know how to make use of ‘Cognitive Behavior Therapy' when dealing with
those who have survived narcissistic abuse. Therapists will show you how to
value your happiness and how or why you should put your needs at the
forefront.

How to Break Free from Narcissistic Abuse

Unless you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, you may never know how
disgusting it is living or being in a relationship with a narcissistic person.
Narcissist's main aims are seeing the target person break into tears, become
angry, feel hopeless, and less critical in this world, while the narcissists think
on top of the world. Breaking free from narcissistic abuse means your first
break up with a narcissist. You should note that though the two might seem
or sound similar, there is a significant difference between the two. The
following are the tested ways that you can use when breaking free from
narcissistic abuse.
Hiring an attorney: This is one of the easiest ways to overcome a narcissist
since it helps take away their power. An experienced attorney is an ultimate
deal because instead of the games played by the narcissists affecting their
prey, the attorney will be the one to deal with them and they will not be
affected by the mind games. The emotional aspects of a narcissistic abuse
case are always targeted to the empathic person and hiring an attorney makes
things more comfortable as the attorneys know how to deal with a narcissistic
person.
Assembling a supportive team: The best way to deal with a narcissist has a
supportive team that acts as a backup plan. The supportive team might be
your parents, your kids, or some of your friends. Your support team must
have the same views as you do, that is going against a narcissistic person.
Turning the tables: Narcissist's main aim is fulfilling their interests. Now
since you are aware of this, all you need to do is turning tables. By this, it
means that if you are requesting anything from the narcissist since you know
that they can never give it to you, you have to turn the table such that your
request matches with their interests. By that, the narcissist will find it better
giving in to your request.
Practicing self-care: You are supposed to care more about yourself, and
everyone else can come second. You should know that your identity matters
more than that of the narcissist and so detaching yourself from a narcissistic
person is the best step you can ever take in your life. Engage in exercises to
cool yourself down from the abuse you have been through. You may take
walks, practice yoga, or go to a shopping mall and appreciate yourself for
making such a brave step or leaving a causal relationship.
 Chapter 96: Empath and Energy Vampires

By this point, you should have a good understanding of what an empath is.
Now let us look at some new words. If someone says you are a vampire, they
are not talking about the blood-sucking type, although, these people do suck
in their own way.
First, there is an energy vampire. This is used to describe the type of person
who can drain another emotionally either empathically, meaning they dry up
their auric life force, or metaphorically, meaning someone who takes
emotionally but does not give anything back. Psychic vampires are people
who are born with either an active or a latent need, a physical need for life
energy, which they are not able to give to themselves. These people will have
a psychological dependency on this panic energy.
Then there is the energy vampire. This is a person who feeds off the energy
or life force of other living creatures, mainly other people. They have been
called emotional vampires, psy-vamp, energy parasites, empathic vampire,
energy predator, or pranic vampire.
Emotional vampirism refers to the act of manipulating another person into a
desired intense emotional position, like passion, anger, or love so that they
can absorb the emotional energy. This vampirism included practices like
learning what a person needs in a partner and accentuating those types of
traits in order to trick others into thinking that they love them.
Emotional energy comes from an intense emotional state, usually anger, love,
or passion.
Pranic energy is life energy, and it is the energy that we need to live.
Prana refers to the vitality of life force energy, which permeates throughout
the body, and is more concentrated through the midline in the chakras. This is
the life sustaining the energy that is centered in the human brain that governs
the conscious intellect and inspiration.
Now that we have talked about some definition, we can see how we can stay
away from these situations and be able to pick out these energy vampires.
I would like every empath out there to know that it is fine to get out of any
relationship when you realize your partner is an energy vampire. You cannot
change them, and it will be a constant parasitic relationship. You are going to
give them everything you have in order to make them happy and they are just
going to suck the life out of you. You are going to constantly feel fatigued,
drained, and just crappy. They will get everything in the relationship. They
are going to take and take and take, but they will never give anything back.
These people are very tricky, so you have to be careful. They are going to
make you think they are helping you or love you when in reality they do not.
They are only using you. Never be afraid of cutting ties with them. If you
cannot completely cut ties, figure out how to set up boundaries that they
cannot cross.
Now, back to what energy vampires do. These people are known to make
threats, manipulate people, are notorious guilt-trippers, flip out at random
times, are deceptive, pick fights, feed off negative attention, and cause
unnecessary problems.
Psychic vampires are not evil or ill-intentioned. If their minds, they are the
victims. They think they are helpless, paranoid, powerless, strive for
perfection that can never be achieved, engage in the extremes, self-medicate,
and are preoccupied with always having to be right.
These people do not realize that they can create their own reality. They lack
mentality. They always focus on the things that they do not have. They do not
think it is possible to attain the love they desire. They do not think that they
can fulfill their own needs. This means that they believe the only way to get
their needs fulfilled is by taking them from others.
Highly sensitive people and empaths are more susceptible to these types of
people because the emotional vampire is drawn to our warmth, bright energy,
and compassion. The emotional vampire will feast on those qualities to
satiate their needs until you are feeling sick and much drained.
Empaths can be drawn to these people because they think they are in need.
The important thing to remember is that energy vampires do not want to be
healed. They are not looking for someone to save them. All they want is the
attention you give them when all they have is an unnecessary and self-created
problem that they crave.
These people are survivalists. As long as they can find a food source, which
you are, they do not have any need to be healed or take care of themselves.
The more you try to fix them, the more problems they have that begin
popping up.
Here are some facts. About 20 percent of all people both female and male
have characteristics of an emotional vampire, or they are full-blown
vampires. That comes out to about one in five people. Every single one of
them affects five people. That is almost 60 million people indirectly or
directly affected by these people. That means that it is likely that you are in a
relationship with or you know a person who is an emotional vampire.
The energy vampire might be a person you think of as a friend, a colleague,
or even a parent. Chances are, though, unless they have threatened you, you
probably do not realize that you are dealing with one since they are very
charming, until they decide to come after you.
Suddenly you are blindsided by insults, being shamed for all different things
like how you talk, your income level, where you come from, body size, age,
or they can even abuse even social statue, and you. Energy vampires often
become distant and moody, which causes you to walk on eggshells. This only
causes you to expend more energy while admiring and praising them to try to
keep the peace. This can affect your self-esteem so much that you believe
something is truly wrong with you.
Chapter 97: Empath and Spiritual Hypersensitivity

Empathy is believed to be more than an emotional state. It is considered

spiritual. There are different types of empaths. This is because different
empaths have stronger abilities in a certain area. They feel empathy in
varying intensity. Here are the types of empaths according to what they feel
more empathic to:
• Emotional empaths
They connect with people emotionally. They are able to tell when one is
stressed or depressed. They are able to feel the same intensity of what the
other person is feeling without being told. They see through the defense
mechanisms one puts up to look okay. They show empathy without much
struggle since they feel what the other person is feeling.
• Physical empaths
They are able to tell when someone is hurting physically when in their
presence. They may be able to feel the physical pain of the other person.
Physical empaths are able to feel this by feeling the symptoms someone else
has or by using their intuitive awareness. They are also able to sense what the
other person needs in order to heal.
• Intellectual empaths
They don’t mean to mirror someone else when communicating; it just
happens. They communicate at the same level as the person they are talking
to. Their talking styles or language changes according to who they are talking
to. They don’t plan the whole thing or even have preparation.
• Intuitive empaths
They have a strong sense of what is about to happen. These things may come
to pass. They are extremely perceptive of people’s actions. They can easily
tell someone is telling lies without much investigation into it.
• Animal empathy
They connect with animals in ways normal people can’t. They are able to tell
the needs of animals. Animals are drawn to them naturally. They share a
connection with animals that is rare.
• Plant empaths
They can tell what plants need, their uses, and if it’s edible or not. They will
know how to care for different plants. Plants blossom in their presence.
They’re able to tell what an environment needs in order for it to attain
ecological balance.
• Environmental empaths
They are able to sense what could have possibly happened before. They can
hold things and be able to tell something about the owner.
• Spiritual empaths
People who are believed to be spiritual empaths are connected to the higher
spiritual world; this includes feeling connected to the dead and people from
the same belief system. It has the same similarities as those of an emotional
empath.
Empathy is something you are and not something you do. You are inclined to
do something due to the empathic feelings in you. You have the ability to
connect spiritually with other people or things. It’s a spiritual gift.
Empaths are therefore expected to clean their energy as often as possible. As
an empath, you have to clean your energy from the negative energies that you
pick outside to avoid overburdening or sometimes getting physical pain. One
of the things you can’t change is being an empath. It’s who you are. The best
you can do is learn to make the best out of it and learn to still take care of
yourself.
Here are some of the energy cleaning techniques;
• Etheric Cords
You have to learn to cut the cords when need be. People around you suck the
energy out of you. they love you and can’t seem to get enough of your
energy. It's healing, loving and feels good for them. They do with or without
you being aware of it. This creates etheric codes with people around you.
they allow you to tap into their energies as well as them tapping into your
energy. You start getting energy information from these people. As time goes
by, if you don’t cut the etheric codes, they grow stronger and stronger. The
purpose of cutting them is to remove negative cords to create room to nurture
and strengthen healthy cords. Every day before you go to bed, think of the
negative etheric codes and distance yourself from them. Make a conscious
decision to let them go.
• Negative thoughts
On a daily basis, you pick energies, both positive and negative. They happen
to stain your aura. You, as an empath, may create negative thoughts that are
not the best for you. these thoughts can be caused by traumatic experiences
even from long ago. They can also originate from other people’s opinions.
These thoughts may linger in your mind for long without taking notice of
them. You have to aware of your thought process at all times. Carrying a
diary and writing them down can be a good way to keep track of your
thoughts. Here are some of the thoughts you have to take note of:
1. Negative thoughts
2. Redundant thoughts
3. Repetitive thoughts
4. Automatic thoughts
Negative thoughts affect you in different ways. Thoughts created through
fear, blame, anger, and grief remain connected to your circle of energy. They
make you vibrate on the same level of negative energy. You might end up
attracting these specific experiences in your life anytime in the future. Such
though can be passed to your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. They
act like magnets and attract people of such energies and situations and even
experiences.
 Chapter 98: Empath Healing Methods

Empath healing can be done in two ways: prevention of further infliction and
taking measures to heal yourself. The first way is to let time alone heal it.
You need to, however, protect the core wound from getting worse by
preventing the hindrances that may hurt your chances of getting spiritually
healed. The second way on the other hand, is done by healing the wound by
yourself, using the following healing methods:

Meditation
Meditation is the key to peace of mind and peace of mind is one of the keys
to your healing. Meditation helps you clear all the chaotic and toxic thoughts
that are poisoning your mental energy. It aligns the thoughts in your mind
that are in complete disarray, as these are the reason you cannot come up with
proper decisions in life.
Meditation comes in many types like the "mindfulness" meditation,
originating from the Buddhist tradition, which is done by closing your eyes
while sitting on crossed legs, with your back straight. The relaxation comes
from breathing in and out and is meant to release depression. You can also try
the visualization method of meditation that is a more modern technique. It is
a guided meditation done by watching a sequence of scenes or images, along
with a voice guiding you throughout the process. There are actually a lot of
methods to perform meditation. You just need to choose which among them
suits your needs.

Laughter
You release all the negative vibrations inside you when you laugh. Laughter
serves as your personal vibe converter because it can transform negative
energies inside you into positive ones. Laughing is the simplest method of
healing yourself and the best thing about it is that, it does not cost anything.
Brighten up your life by laughing every day as it accelerates your healing
process.

Discovering Your Outlets

Discover your hidden talents or in case you have already discovered them,
nourish them. You may choose to paint, draw, write, sing, dance, compose,
cook, or anything that could distract you, whenever you feel like you are
starting to get covered by an unwelcoming atmosphere of varied energies.
Use your talents to serve as your outlets for unreleased emotions like joy,
gloom, hatred, or love. What's better than having an instant outlet to vent
your feelings is the fact that you can also improve your talents through it.

Nature
An empath's spiritual energy is naturally linked to nature. This is the reason
why some empaths possess the talent of geomancy in their subconscious.
Provide yourself at least a weekly dose of nature interaction. Stay under a
tree, swim in the fresh waters, or go into nature adventures. Your sensitivity
allows you to absorb more of the positivity of nature so avail yourself of this
healing method if you need a deeper contact to serenity.

Water
Dehydration does not only happen when you literally lack water in your
body. It also happens to your soul. Fortunately, water doesn't just relieve
physical dehydration but also the body's spiritual thirst. Water is your
ultimate ally. It has a lot more function and importance to you than you think.
According to Dr. Masaru Emoto, a Japanese researcher, author and the
photographer behind the volume "Messages from Water," emotional
vibrations and emotional energies could change the water's physical structure.
The conclusion was based on Doctor Emoto's water crystal experiment.
Different water from different sources like river, lake, and water facilities,
were frozen into crystals. The structures of crystals were observed to be
different from each other. Frozen crystals from water that came from sources
that are near industrialized areas didn't show beautiful crystals. On the other
hand, crystals from fresh, virgin lakes and rivers developed beautiful crystal
formations.
The experiment was further developed when Doctor Emoto started
experimenting the effects of different actions to water as they are being
frozen. Doctor Emoto tried playing music to water, showing letters and
pictures to water, and praying to water. It was then found out that beautiful
crystals are formed after offering prayer, giving good words, and playing
good music to water while opposite actions resulted into disfigured crystals.
Based on Doctor Emoto's experiment, water can be considered as an element
that absorbs energies that come from its environment. Let the water release
the negative energy in you through cleansing and urination. And let clarity
and positivity flow into your spirit through rehydration and refreshment.

Sea Salt
Seawater has a potent wound-healing factor. Sea salt, which is basically the
solidified version of sea water and its minerals—can actually be an empath's
healer. Since it is easily transferred into the bloodstream, it immediately helps
clear out unwanted energy and dissolves negativity from your body.
Among the thousands of choices, the best one for an empath is the Himalayan
sea salt. If the usual table salt has only four trace minerals and elements, the
Himalayan sea salt contains 84 of them. You can pair your water intake with
this salt to accelerate healing. Just dissolve a small amount on your tongue
before drinking a glass of water.
Oils
Essential oils particularly target the skin, as well as the olfactory senses, to
relax and balance emotional energy within your body. You can also inhale
the vapors from essential oils. The limbic system is the part of the brain that
is known to have a significant impact on one's emotions. Also, the oil's
therapeutic benefits can be easily absorbed by the skin once the oil is applied
on it. Oils are more into balancing the hormones and uplifting the spirit with
its smooth texture and relaxing fragrance.
Lavender oil is the most versatile oil for an empath; it has tonic effects, and
relaxing aroma. Plus, it has antibacterial and antiseptic agents. Basil and
jasmine oils are perfect mood enhancers. Geranium and chamomile oils, on
the other hand, are best for relaxing your mind state. Don't hesitate using oils
as there will always be at least one that can address your current needs.
 Chapter 99: Protect Yourself as An Empath

As an empath, you need to make sure you protect yourself. It is like the
analogy of the airplane. Before a plane takes off, the flight attendant will
usually tell you if the air masks drop down, put yours on first before helping
other people.
If you help others first while ignoring your own oxygen mask, by the time
you are done, you will be dead, so you will not be able to put your own mask
on. This is what empaths need to remember. They want to prioritize other
people first, but they need to prioritize themselves. If not, they'll overlook
their basic needs, and then they won't be able to even help others to the best
of their ability. You want to take your powers and use them in the way they
are intended, and that will be by being compassionate to yourself and caring
about the things you're sharing.
The first thing to do to better protect of yourself is consider who you're
talking to in a medical or professional way.
Can you seek out a therapist? Even if you don't feel like you're depressed or
even struggle with anxiety, it's always good to talk to a professional. They
can help validate some of your views and make sure that you aren't thinking
in any negative patterns.
They'll help you work through issues that you might not fully recognize, and
they can point out things in your life that you are turning a blind eye to.
After this, remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to do pretty much
anything at all.
Of course, that might be part of your purpose. You might think since you are
given these abilities, now you have to use them for good. That could be true,
but we also have to know that we have no evidence that tells us either way.
There is no rule for being an empath that says we have to use our abilities to
care for others. We have no evidence that tells us that we have some moral
obligation or duty in this life. That doesn't mean you should never care about
anybody at all. But you shouldn't be putting as much pressure on yourself to
do things for others, especially if you are struggling on your own as it is.
Standing Up for Yourself and Setting Boundaries
When taking care of yourself, it's important to know how to stand up to
others and set proper boundaries. Standing up to others will include learning
how to effectively say no. This is something that empaths really struggle
with. They don't know how to turn other people down and they feel guilty
when they have to say no.
Remind yourself that you are completely valid in cutting people off. It is
totally within your powers to set these boundaries and make sure others know
you're not available. Sometimes we fear saying no because what if everybody
leaves? What if people don't like us anymore? Well if that's the case, then
maybe we should say, “Good riddance!”
Maybe it's better that they're not around anymore because you don't deserve
to have people in your life who just use you for the things you provide.
Make sure that you also set boundaries. This means not allowing behavior
that makes you uncomfortable or forcing yourself to be around triggering
aspects of life. This could be a situation, or it could be a person. For example,
let's say, at work you have adopted the role as the mediator. Nobody else was
willing to do it so you had to step up and take the lead, because it's hard for
you to say no. Every time there's an issue between two of your coworkers,
they always ask you for your advice. You're always the one who is asked to
run to them and make sure that they are perfectly fine and able to resolve
their issues. This is where you might want to set a boundary. You can tell
other people, “I'm not helping you anymore. I can't take care of you; I have
my own issues and I can't be a part of this responsibility.”
It is entirely fair for you to set that kind of boundary and to create that
conversation with the other person. Let them know that you are not willing to
take on these roles any longer because they are mentally draining. They are
taking a part of you away and not ever fulfilling that hole. You're becoming
exhausted. Boundaries should also be set with individuals, and the behavior
that you might not like with them. For example, let's say that your husband is
always slamming things when he comes home every day. He's angry. He
simply hates his job and he take that out on everybody else around him. He
comes home, he stomps around, and he sighs loudly. He's always making
small remarks like shit or dammit when he drops things, and it's just getting
to be too much. This type of aggressive behavior needs to be stopped, not just
for your health but for his health. If he's not willing to change himself that's
fine, but you need to let him know he can't behave that way in front of you
anymore. If he's going to act like that he needs to go into the other room. You
deserve to set this boundary. You're not shaming him or making him feel bad
for his actions, even though they might need improved. You're focusing
instead on yourself. You're letting him know that these make you feel
uncomfortable. That is completely within your rights and you have every
right to go through with that.
Your Needs and Comfort Zone
As an empath it's very important that you recognize what your needs are.
This might be uncomfortable for you and you might have no idea where to
even start because you have ignored your needs for so long.
However, it is completely within your rights to recognize the things that are
required for fulfillment. This begins first by looking at your basic needs.
What is being fulfilled and what is being ignored? This might include
anything like emotional fulfillment, romantic fulfillment, and so on. Look at
these needs and recognize how to grow them in that aspect.
After this, you want to pay attention to your comfort zone. What makes you
feel comfortable and what puts you outside into a place that you don't enjoy?
Recognize this comfort and be prepared to share that with other people. At
the same time, you want to still experiment with going outside of your
comfort zone.
Empaths can easily get trapped in their own mind, which can keep them
physically trapped in their own apartment or home. Step outside and get to
know the earth, get to know yourself and become closer with your own
thoughts and opinions. You are deserving of this factor at the very least.
Knowing When to Fix Things or Leave
At this point, you've likely recognized some toxic relationships from the past.
Maybe it was another partner or a family member that you have had a
tumultuous relationship with. Regardless of that aspect, you need to question
within yourself whether or not you should stay with this person or if it's time
to leave. Let's take a look at some of the basic signs for both of these aspects.
Your relationship can be saved, and improvement is possible if:
● you are both willing to admit you’re wrong
● there’s equal effort put into making repairs
● love and connection is the main aspect keeping you together – not a
factor like money or children
It’s probably best to end, or at least spend less time with the other person if:
● only one person is putting effort in
● abuse of any kind is involved
● your beliefs contrast one another to the point that it is impeding on daily
life
● regret, shame, and past experiences still linger and get brought
 Chapter 100: Empaths and The Spiritual
Awakening Process

Your ability as an empath is often a key to the door of your spiritual

“awakening.” The more you become aware of your own emotions and true
self, the more you recognize in others, the more you will feel “alive” or aware
of the world around you. It is the “ah ha” moment. This can occur over time
and very slowly, or it can happen in a fierce surge. No matter how it appears
to you, it can feel overwhelming.
The more you recognize that you are not alone or “crazy,” the more you can
feel at ease. You are not the only one generating all those emotions and
physical responses you are feeling. This takes time, effort, and guidance to
realize this, but when you do, it is possible to feel faith and clarity.
It may come as a surprise to learn that there are cultures in this present day
that consider being an empath as a normal state of being. It is contrary to the
perspective of the Western culture, but it exists, this belief that all people
should be able to understand the energy in the world around you and you can
respond appropriately. But because of this counter-view, and years of
alternative conditioning, many people have simply lost or never developed
their empath abilities. And what happens now, when someone does possess
this amazing gift, is that they feel different, strange, and alone.
It is likely that there are far more empaths and people who are highly
sensitive to energy than you realize. It is likely that they are hiding their gift
or are simply not aware of why they are the way they are. It is possible for
just about any human to be an empath. And a person’s empathic ability can
develop at any age and in any place. It does not matter your age, race,
nationality, gender, etc.; you can become an empath. It is also possible to
“lose” your abilities, or never recognize them, mainly because you disconnect
from your own emotions or from your own sense of self and therefore cannot
discover this side.
Connecting, sharing, and leading with your emotions is often frowned upon
in contemporary, Western culture. Instead, you often see encouragement for
more critical communication and negative messaging. Even the ideas
perpetuated behind diets, exercise, and personal belief systems encourage
singularity and disconnection instead of influence and connection. These are
messages that are received constantly by a person living in such a culture and
leads to the conditioning that is contrary to the nature of an empath.
The repetitive, negative conditioning is what leads to people being labeled as
“alexithymia.” This describes a person that is incapable of understanding or
describing their emotions. It is this inability to understand your true self that
brings on many of the problems you see today; anxiety, depression, physical
numbing, obsessions with electronics, addictions, and eating disorders.
When you are not able to identify who you truly are and are not connected to
your personal truth all of these problems, and many more, are heightened.
Many people turn to this state of being to avoid things. They look to avoid
feelings, emotions or situations for one reason or another. Often it has to do
with discomfort. They do not need to deal with the uncomfortable feelings,
and therefore “numb” themselves to who they really are. While reading this
you may think this is an extreme example. You may feel that this applies only
to a small percentage of the population. The unfortunate truth is that it is a
reality for many situations. There are millions of people that are so far out of
touch with who they are their center and the feelings that they experience
throughout the day, that they are most likely living in the same house with
you, are your friends and family, or coworkers at work. Now that you know
about this conditioning and reality, as you move throughout your day,
consider tuning into the people around you and see if you can discover the
people that are out of touch with their center. The more you practice your
empath gift, the better you will get at identifying these types of people.
There are more alexithymia people now than ever before. This is leading to a
crisis of faith. While all people have the ability to be an empath, it is simply
not being supported. Since the 1980’s there has been a decline in empaths,
and empathy in general, in the United States, according to author,
philosopher, and great thinker, Roman Krzanich. Over the last decade, it is
only getting worse. This is partly due to more people than ever living by
themselves, and fewer people engaging in community and social activities.
These types of situations tear people away from the opportunity to connect
and practice empath abilities, let alone empathy in general. For example,
Krzanich theorizes that the level of general empathy has dropped by 50
percent in the last 40 years.
In an effort to help you identify those that are no longer connected to their
center, to other people, and to a spiritual belief, below is a list of common
actions for alexithymia people:
● Impulsive or compulsive behavior.
● Challenges in personal relationships. Their connections are not
healthy but rather are with a dominant, dependent, or distant partner.
● They are incapable of honestly putting their feelings into
words, especially when asked directly. This inability is termed as “poor
emotional intelligence.”
● Emotional outbursts occur without notice, like uncontrollable
crying or unbridled rage.
● Stifled creativity and imagination. Decisions based on logic and
reason are viewed as more important.
● There is minimal or missing intuition. Their “gut” instinct is
malfunctioning. They tend to think more from their “head,” than their “gut”
or “heart.”
● Cannot connect deeply with other people and cannot identify
with others. It is common to find these people isolated.
● psychological disorders and medical issues include;
○ fibromyalgia or migraines
○ depression, personality disorders, or anxiety
○ obesity, binge eating, overeating, anorexia, or bulimia
The more you become aware of your empathic gift, the more your spiritual
journey becomes illuminated. This journey can be relieving and exciting, but
it can also bring with its new challenges;
● New anxiety or social phobias can arise as you become more
aware and understanding of other people’s emotions.
● Self-realization and recognition of how others perceive you can
cause a self-conscious response.
● You are no longer hiding or numbing challenges, but facing
and dealing with them. It is a ride that can be tumultuous at times. As an
empath, not all these emotions are yours, but you still need to experience
them just the same.
● Even though you are learning and practicing separating your
emotions from the emotions of others, there are times that they intertwine,
and it can be confusing. Sometimes the flood of emotion is another person’s,
but sometimes it is your own. When you are first beginning to unravel your
ability, this can get very frustrating.
● Even as you awaken spiritually, you can experience low self-
esteem and doubt. You can feel like you were not given a life raft in the
middle of a wild storm. You can feel like this is an impossible gift, and why
any higher power would “curse” you with this ability. You can doubt your
ability to control your power and feel incompetent. This is where you will
notice a lot of negative self-talk occurring. Old beliefs and views can stall
your spiritual journey in this situation.
● The more you connect to your higher power, the more you
connect with yourself as well. During this spiritual awakening, it is common
to find people taking better care of their physical body, as well. It is normal to
see someone seeking help for addictive or harmful behaviors, taking better
care of their hygiene, making healthier choices with their food and drink, and
watching their general health more closely.
● It is also common to see “new” things that you did not notice
before because you are more connected to the world around you. While some
of these “new” observations are great and wonderful, some things can be
scary. Some of these new things can make you feel unhappy and sad, while at
other times they can make you almost euphoric.
● There is a marked increase in your creativity. While you are
inspired and eager to create something, you may still struggle with where to
start or channel this energy, but the desire is strong. You want to express
yourself creatively.
For those that are just learning how to identify and feel their emotions for the
first time, developing and tapping into empathic abilities can be an arduous
and tedious journey. Some days it can feel like you are a disjointed mess,
while other days you feel whole and rooted. The thing to remember, no
matter how you are experiencing your spiritual journey and connection, is
that you need to continue to practice. You need to hone your ability and
protection. The more you do this, the less you will feel the dramatic waves of
happy and sad, connected and removed, spiritually alive and singularly
disconnected.
 Chapter 101: Healing the Emotional Realm

When it comes to healing, many empaths know they need to focus on their
emotional well-being. While your psychological and physical well-being is
just as important.

How to Start Healing

The basis of how to start healing is realizing that you cannot continue to go
the way you are going. For example, you are constantly drained, and this
makes you feel that you cannot focus on helping people. Because of this, you
find yourself struggling to ground yourself, meditate, and give people the best
advice to help them through a difficult situation. Parts of your life that used to
come easy seem impossible. You are feeling physically sick often and you
don’t understand why but believe it might have something to do with your
constant fatigue. As time goes on, you start to worry that something might be
seriously wrong with you.
While you should always get yourself, check is you truly feel something is
wrong, you could feel this way because you are emotionally drained. If you
have helped people heal, but you haven’t focused on yourself or spent time
releasing the negative energies from your soul, then you need to start
focusing on your healing.
The first step to take when you will start healing emotionally is to understand
what this means. People often know what it means to heal physically or
psychologically, but they don’t understand the meaning of emotional healing.
When you heal emotionally, you are focusing on your feelings. Because of
your high sensitivity, your feelings are often hurt by yourself and other
people. Most people don’t mean to hurt your feelings. In their mind, they are
trying to help you, but they don’t understand how your sensitivity affects how
you process what they say and handle it emotionally. You often hurt your
own feelings because of the harsh words you tell yourself.

The Process of Emotional Healing

Emotional healing is a process that can take days to years, depending on the
situation and how much it affected you. For example, if you are trying to heal
emotionally from an abusive childhood you will spend years focusing on
healing these wounds. If you are trying to heal from the words your co-
worker said, you might find yourself going through the healing process
within a couple of days.
No matter what happens to place yourself in the emotional healing process,
the first step is to accept it. You want to accept the situation and accept the
emotions you felt and continue to feel. For instance, if you are angry at your
parents and don’t understand why they hurt you, it is important you accept
this. If you are sad about your co-working feeling that you are not a hard-
enough worker, you need to focus on accepting their words.
Once you accept the feelings, you need to work through your feelings. For
example, you need to understand why you feel anger toward your parents.
Working through your emotions are one of the hardest parts of the emotional
healing process because you ask yourself questions to get to the bottom of
your emotions. You will ask yourself all the questions you can think about.
For instance, you might question why your parents treated you in a certain
way. You might ask yourself if you did anything to deserve the treatment,
even if you know the abuse was not your fault. You might ask why they felt it
was okay to treat you in such as manner. Asking yourself questions will help
you work through your emotions because it will allow you to open the door
to your unconscious emotions.
Realizing your unconscious emotions is a powerful step in the healing
process. These are the emotions that you felt, but you didn’t acknowledge
because you didn’t realize they were there. You will often find these
emotions when you are reflecting on your questions as you will think, “This
situation made me feel so angry” when you thought your true emotion was
sadness. Unconscious emotions are difficult to understand from time to time
because they are your secondary emotions. They are a combination of other
emotions and you don’t always know how to name them. This is when your
emotional vocabulary will come into use. You can put a name on your
conscious emotion and continue your healing process.
Understanding is the final stage of emotional healing. You are no longer
avoiding your feelings and you have given each emotion a name. You are
now on your way to focusing on why you feel the way you do about the
situation and coming to terms with what happened. You might start to feel
grateful for the situation as you can now see your emotional growth.

Tips for Emotional Healing

Emotional healing is not easy. You will become frustrated and often feel
drained. There will be days where getting out of bed is difficult because you
feel so drained. It is important that you continue to focus on your routine as
this will help you throughout your healing journey. Other than remaining in
routine, there are a lot of other tips that can help you thrive throughout this
process.
✓ Do Your Best to Flip the Anxiety Switch to Off
✓ Imagine Your Best Self
✓ Forget the Past
✓ Be Yourself
✓ Be Aware of Your Emotions
✓ Learn Your Triggers
 Chapter 102: The Spiritual Purpose of Empaths

Even though each person has a different reason, there is one common theme
within the experience of the empath that lends spiritual meaning to it and that
is its direct contact with humanity and consciousness.
Empaths can go nearly their whole lives without realizing that they are an
empath. They may assume that all people feel the world in the same way that
they do. Only when they get older do they realize that they are different.
They will seek out solutions and answers, for many years sometimes, without
finding what they are looking for.
It can be a great relief to learn about the term “empath” and it usually occurs
accidentally.
Regardless of how one discovers their true nature, self-awareness will always
be a challenge for the empath since their personality type is still such a
mystery.
• Feeling Ashamed: Different empaths will experience their gift in
different ways, which can make defining the empath even harder.
Even when an empath recognizes that someone else might share their trait,
they may have a hard time knowing how to bring it up in conversation.
Since the word itself is associated with science fiction and fantasy, it makes it
even harder for people to admit what they are experiencing.
They feel a sense of shame or fear of judgment for who they are.
• Turning Points or Triggers: Some empath types say that a specific
situation or event is what caused their abilities to awaken, like a pregnancy,
sudden sickness, or car accident.
Some of these occurrences could be traumatic, while others seem neutral or
even positive. However, each of these events appeared to be a new level for
them that led them to stop denying their innate abilities.
Oftentimes, the triggering event first leads to a denial phase or difficulty
accepting what is happening.
• Being Born with the Ability: There is also the other case of people who
felt as though they were born with their skill. One major difference between
these types is an understanding relative who may have brought it up to them
at a young age.
When an empath has someone like this around, it appears to have a dramatic
impact on how much the empath will accept their skill and develop their
abilities.
They will also be more likely to have a strong state of mind.
Empaths tend to thrive when they have a positive attitude about their
personality. This proves that even for those who have struggled with
accepting themselves, changes can be made for the better.
• A Trait without Choice: Regardless of how the skill comes to be
known, most empaths don’t feel like they chose what they have. Most
empaths feel like they were forced to be this way and see it as something
undesirable or inevitable.
This personality type does not happen by choice.
Seeking Purpose as an Empath:
One common question asked by empaths is “What is the reason for this?”
• A Natural Need: From childhood on, humans seek out connection to
their fellow humans. As much as some of us might like to be, the human race
is not solitary, but highly social.
From friends to parents, we dedicate a huge portion of our lives to pursuing
connected and meaningful relations with others. But forming these valuable
connections is a challenge.
Just a quick Google search on the topic will show you how hard it is to
authentically communicate with others.
• A Lack of Authenticity: This trouble connecting is especially common
in the modern world where many of the accepted social conventions
discourage genuine interaction.
For instance, pretending to like someone in order to appear polite or hiding
your anger because it isn’t nice or feminine.
There are plenty of reasons why individuals keep their feelings hidden, which
has given us the difficult situation of wanting to relate to others but not being
able to tell how they are really feeling.
Authenticity seems to have been weeded from our nature.
Disconnecting from our emotions is not natural and leads us to suffer as we
suppress them out of fear. We get pushed ever farther away from genuine
connection and pushed closer to social obligation or fakeness.
As social beings, not having this need to connect deeply leaves us feeling
malnourished emotionally. And most of us have even forgotten how to go
beyond this problem.
• The Necessity for Empaths: Looking at this situation, perhaps it’s not
very surprising that empaths have evolved within our society. They bring
something that many others have lost; the ability to read others’ emotions in a
true and genuine way.
They can read another person’s emotions, even without nonverbal or verbal
cues. They are able to connect with what is most genuine inside of another
person.
Most humans are disconnected from nature these days, but regardless of that,
nature impacts them and strives to keep them balanced.
Life strives to find balance regardless of how much humans disregard it. The
empath is a manifestation of something drastically different than the norm of
being emotionally disconnected.
It could be nature’s attempt to redistribute itself in a way that makes more
sense. The average modern human struggles deeply with talking about their
emotions.
They might feel drawn to the empath inexplicably because they can sense that
the empath can feel what they feel.
 Chapter 103: Strategies to Overcome Fear and
Anxiety

One of the most known anxieties disorders are fears, among which we can
highlight social fear. But what is social fear? What can we do to overcome it?
When it comes to fear there is only one true option. Face it. As stated in the
anecdote about S, courage is not an absence of fear but the ability to
overcome it. You cannot gain courage if you are not actively exercising it.
Facing your fears can start as simply as eating a food you know you do not
like. It seems like it does not make much sense. How is eating food you hate
facing your fears? If you have avoided a certain food long enough, the fear of
having to taste that food again builds up in your mind. If you ever see that
food again you will be filled with dread. Face that dread and you will be one
tiny step closer in the right direction. Try facing your other fears. You have a
fear of heights? Ride a ski lift. Are you afraid of dogs? Go to an animal
shelter and get close to a few (don’t get bitten). If you’re afraid of water, go
swimming. An Empath is supposed to help reconcile the fear of others, which
cannot be done if they cannot even face their own fears.
Self-doubt and insecurities are our individual fears manifested into action but
oppose to general fear they usually stem from your perceived worth or the
worth of our capabilities. Some of these insecurities are inflicted on us by our
parents, or people around us, and doubts stem from our belief in these
insecurities. In order to truly absolve yourself of insecurities you must find
the root. This may take hours of meditation, or years of spiritual exploration,
depending on how deep the root of the insecurity goes. If the root of your
insecurity does run deep with you, you can always do a little exercise that
helps. Look into a mirror and stare yourself down. Give yourself the most
dominant expression you can. This will start to rewire your mind to see itself
as a dominant force. The say the following “I will conquer my insecurities”.
Repeat this loudly, as many times as you have to until you believe it. You
must try your best to do this exercise every day. You will have boosted
courage to not only act in your true manner despite your insecurities, but to
continue working on yourself. For doubts it is much of the same. Mediation
on the reason for doubts can often lead to dispelling the doubt, if you find a
solution in your mediation, but more often than not the doubts in your mind
are placed on you by your own lack of confidence. Confidence can only
come with experience and experience only comes through trial and error. If
you doubt your decision on something do it anyway. If you are right, you will
start gaining confidence to defeat your doubts. If you are wrong, be happier.
You have still gained valuable experience that is needed to progress as a
person, if not more. As former high school basketball Coach Morgan Wooten
said “You learn more from losing than winning. You learn how to keep
going.”
Once you have had practiced conquering your own fears you can begin to
understand the fears of others, which is important to the Empath. Having just
conquered or started to conquer their own fears, Empaths understand the
negative effects these emotions can have on people. However, even if one has
conquered their own fears, dealing with the fears of others can be dreadful.
This is something that comes with practice. You must learn and feel the fear
of others before you understand it. There is no shortcut or easy way. Learning
to experience someone else’s fear and trying to share that experience is one
of the most difficult things you will face as an Empath.
When I was in high school, I went to a party out in the hills. My hometown
has vast amounts of land where there is nothing but hill and trees for miles,
the places for underage kids to drink without supervision. It was nearing the
end of senior year and everyone was excited to have one last hurrah. I
remember showing up to the bonfire, having a lot of drinks and a damn good
time. Suddenly, someone yelled “Police!” from over the ridge, and anyone
who has ever been to a high school party knows exactly what happened next.
Kids were running all over the place. People were tripping on each other to
escape, terrified at the prospect of being busted for drinking right before the
biggest moment of their unexperienced lives. I too was scared. The last thing
I needed was to sit in juvenile hall for the night. My friends were rushing me
to go, and I was just about to leave with them when I saw kid laying down by
the bonfire. He was completely unconscious, and his breathing was slowed.
“Look, someone left him” I said pointing the boy out to my friends. “His
friends will come for him, let’s go!” I just sat there staring, almost everyone
had gone. No one was coming back for him. “We can’t just leave him here.” I
protested. “The cops are coming; they will get him and us if we don’t go
now!” It was then I had to make a choice. I could either leave with my friends
or leave the kid. I took a deep breath and calmed down. If the cops were
coming, then why aren’t they here by now? It had occurred to me that it was
just some prank pulled by the upperclassmen, and if that was the case, we
were all about to leave a drunk boy in the middle of almost nowhere. “We
have to take him” I walked over to the boy and tried to grab him. My friend
was reluctant but came to help me carry the kid back to my car where he
drove him to the hospital and dropped him off (not the most admirable act,
but I was still pretty young). The kid never did thank me (I’m not sure he
even remembers). However, ever since that day I became aware of how
powerful the ability to take a deep breath, work through my fear and reassess
my situation can really be. It is an essential skill for the Empath.
How to Overcome Anxiety?
Anxiety is described as the act of having persistent and excessive worry.
However, the issue with anxiety goes far beyond a single worry. If an
individual were to only be dealing with one worry, then it probably would not
seem like as big of a deal. Unfortunately, people who have anxiety disorders,
more specifically generalized anxiety disorder, tend to be swarmed by one
worry that then leads into another worry, then another, and so on. This
explains why anxiety is actually a cycle.
Worries are also what keeps that cycle going around and around. Even
though a person might be experiencing a worry that could actually be solved,
the worry continues on for multiple reasons. The first reason for why is that
there are some of a person’s worries that can fall under the category of biased
thinking. This could mean an individual is giving too much weight to a
likelihood that a negative outcome will take place. Biased thinking can also
mean a person is exaggerating how bad the negative outcome will end up
being.
Some types of worries are actually strengthened by the negative thoughts that
a person has about themselves like the person is not capable of coping with
any type of negative outcome that could possibly occur.
The second reason why a person might find their worries continuing to take
up most of their thoughts is due to the fact that some worries persist because
of how certain information in an environment goes about being processed.
Someone who suffers from generalized anxiety disorder will sometimes
selectively choose to look into the information that will support their worries
while ignoring any information that refutes their worrying thoughts.
Memories can also be selective just like a person’s worries. In some
instances, people who have issues with anxiety have a difficult time
remembering any data that portrays a contradiction to the particular worry
they are currently dealing with.
The third possible reason for why an individual’s worries might be persistent
is based on how the person is responding to those worries. Someone who has
an untreated anxiety disorder might respond to their fears by trying one of
three things. They might attempt to suppress their worries, seek reassurance
that nothing negative will actually happen, or they could end up avoiding a
situation the triggers their fear.
The greatest downfall to choosing any of those responses is that any of those
strategies will make a person feel horrible, which will lead to their worries
being reinforced. This all ends up making the person’s cycle of anxiety
extremely difficult to break later down the line.
 Chapter 104: Meditation for Empaths

Meditation should be the corner stone of building a healthy and happier life
for an empath. It works to reset the mind and body. Sensitives can meditate
while imaging themselves engulfed in a white bubble of light which is made
of love and protection. Envision this bubble as something which keeps all
negativity out. Similar to the grounding technique, meditate with the aim to
keep yourself guarded from unwanted things. The benefits of meditation are
incredible if you are not meditating at the moment. Here is another good
reason to start.
Trained Empaths are considered gifted individuals with psychic or
supernatural abilities. Thus, it’s imperative that they should spend some quiet
time by themselves through meditation.
If you’re harnessing your Empath powers, you have to learn how to meditate
properly. This is because meditation has been proven to work more
effectively than psychiatric drugs in treating anxiety and depression caused
by being an Empath.
Over the course of history outstanding personalities had always been known
to meditate and even fast. Jesus of Nazareth isolated himself in the forest for
40 days and 40 nights.
Mahatma Gandhi, one of the greatest men of India, had been reported to have
used Sahaja Yoga meditation. In this generation, Oprah Winfrey, Ellen
DeGeneres, Angelina Jolie, Richard Gere, Hugh Jackman and countless more
are into meditation.
It can be difficult at first, but as you perform meditation regularly, you will
eventually get the hang of it.
Here are the benefits Empaths can get from Meditation:
1. Renewal of spirit
If you’re an Empath, you are constantly stressed out because of the myriad of
emotions that often assail you. Through meditation in tranquil and secure
surroundings you can ease the stress and renew your spirit.
The energy of the Universe can freely flow into you if you allow your spirit
to open up. Nature heals the human spirit because you are part of the
Universe.
A breath of fresh air, amid the silence of Mother Nature can do wonders to
your spirit. That’s why the sound and feel of nature have been used to calm
nerves and ease anxiety (sound of waterfalls, sound of soft winds, sound of
rain and similar sounds).
It’s best to meditate in a secluded place near Mother Nature, but in cases
when it’s not possible to do so, you can always modify your surroundings to
mimic nature. There are taped nature sounds that you can buy in stores.
If you’re not near any natural places, your room at home can be the best place
to meditate. Listen to a tape of natural sounds and meditate.
2. Rejuvenation of the body
Not only will your spirit be renewed but your body will be rejuvenated, as
well. Meditation relaxes your muscles and recharges them. Scientific studies
proved that meditation is one of the best methods to rejuvenate your body.
3. Time for grounding and rest
Meditation also allows your entire body to rest and to ground yourself back to
your inner self. Your mental, emotional and physical aspects become rested
and more grounded after a proper meditation.
4. Self-examination
Likewise, it’s a superb time to do some self-examination. Evaluating your
past actions and determining what you have done wrong will allow you to re-
direct your goals.
5. Re-focusing
After the self-examination, you can now re-focus on your next plans.
Redirecting your goals to more fruitful endeavors would be a significant
milestone in your life. You can now focus on eradicating your weaknesses.
An Empath should meditate regularly to lead his life to the right direction.
Without meditation, the Empath can drift aimlessly in the ocean of life like a
rudderless ship without a captain.
Meditation has shown to be an effective way of resolving issues with
depression, stress, anxiety and insomnia, allowing you to relax and embrace
calmness while letting go of all that’s negative. As we have already
mentioned, we will show you how to meditate step-by-step, which should
help you relieve stress and embrace positivity. Alongside other techniques we
have listed for emotional, spiritual and psychological healing, meditation
should become one of the most reliable ways of healing your body and mind.
Let’s start with our very first step.
Step #1: Find a Suitable Place for Meditation
One of the most important things before you start meditating is to find a
suitable place for your meditation. In order to be able to relax and focus on
your meditation techniques, you want to find a quiet place. Although this task
might sound as easier said than done, especially if you live in a busy part of
town, finding a peaceful and quiet spot in your house should make a crucial
step towards finding your inner peace. However, as you are still learning how
to meditate, finding a quiet place with minimum distractions is
recommended. At the very beginning, you might find it difficult to oversee
distractions in form of noise, but this case should become less than a problem
as you are progressing with your meditation technique.
Step #2: Find a Comfortable Position
Meditation doesn’t have to be done in the well-known cross-legged position
familiar as the traditional pose for meditation, while many beginners find it
uncomfortable to begin with. Instead, what is important when starting to
practice meditation is to use the position you find the most comfortable. That
means that you can choose practically any position you find suitable; sitting,
lying down, half-seated, backed against the wall – any position that feels
good and sets you up in the state of relaxation is a good position for
meditation.
Step #3: Breathing
Breathing is the job half done when performed correctly in meditation. When
meditating, you will be placing a great focus on your breathing technique,
relying on taking deep breaths so that you would be able to relax and calm
yourself. Taking deep breaths works by setting your body to a state of
relaxation, which is why you should pay great attention to the way you are
breathing during meditation. Breathing by taking deep breaths is set to relax
your muscles and your upper body, while you can use your diaphragm
muscles to improve the quality of breathing by taking more oxygen while
expanding your lungs. When practicing your breathing technique for
meditation, try taking deep breaths, breathing in and out at a moderate pace.
Breathe in and out through your nose while trying to keep your lips and your
face relaxed while you are doing so.
Step #4: Settling Your Mind
You need to find a center of focus when meditating as it is not an uncommon
case to have your mind floating to different thoughts and images during the
state of meditation. When meditating, you are not only freeing your body, but
also freeing your mind, which means that your mind might decide to wander
off, which leads to losing a focus. Focus doesn’t have to be a particular thing
or mantra – it can be nothingness - tabula rasa if you will, as even thinking of
nothing is still thinking of something. You need your focus either way. Once
you diminish all distractions, find a perfect position and establish a steady
pace of breathing, you should try settling your mind by finding a strong
focus.
Step #5: Meditation Should Become a Practice
Once you manage to settle your mind and put your breathing technique in
order, you should be able to free your body and mind on a daily basis. We
recommend turning meditation time into a healthy routine that should help
you deal with negativity and emotions in the long run. What you also need to
note is the fact that there are lots of different types of meditation techniques,
while you should try and find the one most suitable for your needs.
Step #6: Take it Easy if You Encounter Resistance
One of the most important indicators that meditation is working is enjoying
your meditation time. In case you have been tensed for quite a while and are
probably used to stress and tension due to frequent involvement of other
people’s emotions and energies. It may be sometimes hard to make a quick
transition from being tensed and under stress to achieving the state of peace
and serenity. The fact is that this kind of transitions take time and should be
viewed as something that requires your patience and devotion. In case you
have been living with stress and tension for some time, you might find
meditation difficult at first and even agitating as you might not be able to let
go of negativity and focus on your breathing technique. If this is the case with
you, don’t be discouraged as you can always get back to trying to let go of
stress through meditation once you feel ready and more prepared.
 Chapter 105: How to Become A Healer of Others?

Empaths are natural healers. It is very difficult for us to pass up on a person

we feel needs help. We want to help everyone we can. And yes, we do have
the power to heal them. However, someone with a constant low vibrational
energy will suck the life out of us if we spend too much time with them.
You may have found that you have had many an unsuccessful relationship,
both romantically and platonic. You can sense the small cracks in a person,
but that is no big deal to us. “We’ll fix it”. But we seldom realize that helping
someone repair their energies is different than repairing their mind and
thought process. We are not psychologists. Our work may be effective for a
short period while they are with us. But usually, our friend or loved one has a
trauma or negative thought process that brings their energy to the almost
constant negative state it’s in. Over time, this will become totally exhausting
to you to have to “lift” this person up, over and over.
Attracting people that are “broken” can be explained quite simply. While you
can project energy, you can also absorb it. Picture yourself as a jar, and the
energy coming in is water. The space inside the jar represents all your life
experiences. The empty space left inside the jar is the negative or traumatic
events in your life where you are unfulfilled or have vulnerability. The empty
spaces get “filled” with the energy coming in from the people around you
with similar trauma. That is why you feel a connection with people who are
“broken”. Addressing traumas and healing those spaces will aid in connecting
you with more healthy people in your life, hence successful relationships.
It is in our best interest to make a conscious decision to choose partners and
friends that are stable and happy, with a good strong higher-level vibration
(we feel as happiness and comfort). Everyone has a bad day, yes. But not
every day. People that are in a constant tailspin are exhausting for anyone, let
alone to an empath.
Empaths are “givers”. It would be wise to set very clear boundaries with
those that are takers if they are going to be a constant in your life. The takers
can strip you and deplete you of your wonderful energy and leave you feeling
tired and worthless. Again, this is something you need to be conscious about.
You can avoid being sucked in to trying to give them all that they require.
Think about it this way: you do not want to experience the empathetic
emotions of a breakup. Basically, you will be feeling your own emotions and
the emotions of the other person. This could be a friendship splitting or an
intimate relationship. By being aware and proactive about the company you
keep and how much of it, you can avoid a painful emotional experience down
the road.

Self-Test for being an Empath:

See if you answer yes to the following questions. If you answer yes to most
of them, it’s likely that you’re an empath.
Do you have finely tuned senses?
It isn’t only energy and emotions that empaths pick up on easily. They are
also sensitive to noises, smells, and visual stimuli.
Are you a giver with a huge heart?
Empaths will do anything to help another feel okay when they’re suffering.
This can be a hurt friend, a lonely child, or a poor homeless person.
Whenever you see someone in need, you can’t turn away or stop thinking
about it.
Are you highly sensitive?
Empaths are typically great at listening, open minded spiritually, and caring
toward those around them.
They are good at nurturing people due to their big hearts and get hurt easily.
They are told throughout life that they are sensitive and need to stop taking
things so personally.
Do you feel others’ emotions as your own?
Empaths can tell instantly how other people are feeling, whether it’s positive
or negative.
To say that they feel everything is not just an exaggeration; they truly do.
Another person’s mood will instantly become theirs.
If a negative emotion like fear or anger is prominent in another person, they
soak this up, which gets exhausting.
Being around positive influences on the other hand can allow them to
flourish.
Are you extremely intuitive?
For people who feel the outside world using their own intuition, making sure
it’s developed is extremely crucial.
Paying attention to your gut feelings will allow you to navigate relationships,
seeking out positive influences and avoiding the bad.
Do you require time alone to feel okay?
Soaking up everyone’s emotions all the time is exhausting.
Due to this, most empaths require plenty of time alone to center themselves
and recharge their batteries. Even a few minutes is enough, at times.
Do you seem to attract energy vampires?
Energy vampires are people who lie through prominently negative feelings,
such as rage or fear, and end up sapping the peace and life from those around
them.
As an empath, you would be an attractive target for such a person because of
your sensitivity.
Empaths give and give…
and the energy vampire will never hesitate to take full advantage of that. And
it isn’t only physical energy that energy vampires can drain from you.
The dangerous ones, like narcissists, can manipulate you into thinking you’re
unworthy.
Energy vampires take many forms such as drama queens, perpetual victims,
and in extreme cases, psychopaths.
Do you feel more whole when you’re outside?
When the chaos of the world becomes a bit much for you, you look for
comfort and nourishment from the outdoors.
Being around gardens, beaches, and trees restores you, allowing you to
release stress and feel whole again.
If you resonated with the items on this list, you are likely an empath.
If this is true, you must start considering some strategies for protecting
yourself from the outside world.
Some of the most beneficial practices to instill are managing your time
effectively, setting boundaries, and spending a lot of time outside.
 Chapter 106: Emotional Healing Methods

Now that you have done the work to heal yourself, it may be time to start
exploring the different types of healing to which empaths are best suited. This
will introduce you healing methods that are likely to work best for emotional
empaths, but there are no reason why other empath types should not
experiment with these methods if they feel drawn to them.

Meditation
Of all the empathic healing methods available, meditation is perhaps the most
easily accessible for those with limitations, be they financial, logistical,
temporal, or otherwise. Anyone can learn to meditate, at any age, in any
place, at any time, for as short or long of a session as they can manage.
Meditation requires at least a few minutes of quiet and stillness. It can be
practiced standing, sitting, lying down, or in a challenging yoga pose. The
goal is to close your eyes, breathe mindfully, and allow yourself to recognize
your own thought patterns without being consumed or overpowered by them.
It is a common misconception that you can only successfully meditate with a
clear mind. It’s not about not thinking; it’s thinking about your thoughts,
recognizing that they are only thoughts (not reality) and that you have the
power to embrace them or to let them go. Some people prefer to use
meditation guides—classes or audio recordings that provide ideas or concepts
to meditate upon. Others find it more productive to simply let their mind
wander and ride the wave of thoughts, while still staying healthily detached
from them. This would allow you to encounter a thought that causes you
anxiety—say, for instance, that in the midst of a meditation session, you
suddenly remember an overdue bill that you’ve forgotten to pay—but rather
than spinning into a panic or buying into negative beliefs about yourself, your
detached mind might instead think: “I wonder why this thought came up at
this particular moment. Normally, I’d fly into a panic over this. What other
reactions could I choose that might serve me better?”

Ceremonial Healing
There are many different kinds of ceremonial healing rituals; some are
attached to spiritual faiths and derived from ancient traditions, such as Native
American, Wiccan or Pagan healing ceremonies, while other New Age
traditions aim to incorporate knowledge from multiple cultures and schools
of thought, making rituals accessible to experienced practitioners and novices
alike.
Ceremonial healing rituals can also be focused on physical ailments, but here,
we’ll touch on two of the most popular emotional healing methods. You may
find many other ritual services are available to you if you contact
lightworkers and healers in your area.

Energy Shields
Creating an energy shield is something you can do for yourself, even with
very little experience. It is largely a mental visualization exercise, in which
you imagine a shield of energy drawn around yourself and define very clearly
what you want to let inside, what must be kept out, and what type of energy
the shield is made of. Energy shields can be protective or deflective; they can
be solid and rigid or woven like a grid to allow certain elements in while
guarding against others. They may be drawn to help us accomplish our goals,
or they may be created to help us ward off toxic, destructive energies.
If you are struggling to make your own energy shield effective, it may be
wise to seek out an energy healer to help with a ceremonial shield creation.
This may involve a consultation, meditation, crystal healing work, a sonic
healing element, and maybe the repetition of mantras or affirmations.
Logistics will vary, depending on the healer you choose to work with.
Whatever the process, an energy shield created by two empaths will be
exponentially stronger and more tangible than any shield created by a lone
individual.
In a ceremony like this, it’s important to be as honest and transparent as
possible with your healer and to stay open-minded. Their rituals may seem
odd to you, but at the end of the day, your energy shield will only ever be as
strong as your belief in it.

Cord Cutting Ceremony

Often, when we deal with the process of ending toxic relationships, be they
romantic, platonic, professional or familial, we assume that proximity or
physical exposure to the other party is the primary source of our problem. We
behave as though naming the end of the relationship should be enough to
foster healing and jumpstart the process of moving on, or as though putting
physical distance between ourselves and the other party should be enough to
get them out of our heads and hearts.
In reality, relationships are far more complex than we give them credit for,
and healing from a toxic relationship can be just as intense as healing from a
major physical injury or illness. Relationships aren’t just about spending time
together; they are about a constant exchange of energy. Even after a
relationship is “ended,” it is still entirely possible for one or both parties to
continue pouring energy into it. Initially, this is unavoidable—any
relationship that is deeply important to you will need to be adequately
mourned before you’ll be able to move on from it. But at a certain point,
continuing to dwell on the ending of a toxic relationship, or continuing to
hold on to the habits, values, and ideas that were central to it, can be
detrimental to your emotional health and well-being. In these instances, a
Cord Cutting Ceremony can be just the right thing to help a person move on
from a relationship, not simply in a physical sense, but on an energetic,
emotional, and metaphysical level.

Talk Therapy
There are a few different schools of established and respected thought within
the world of talk therapy, but generally speaking, it is a process in which an
individual (or group of individuals in a relationship or family unit) can work
on self-reflection and self-improvement with the assistance of an objective
third party.
Empaths can be particularly well-suited to the therapy profession because we
are often able to put people at ease, communicate even with the most guarded
individuals, and read subtle, non-verbal cues that can provide enormous
insight into the internal workings of others’ minds. Patients in talk therapy
are generally hoping to receive some compassionate understanding from the
professional sitting opposite them, along with constructive recommendations
for growth and change. Unfortunately, there are plenty of people who have
chosen to become therapists who lack the ability to make their clients
emotionally comfortable or to be sensitive to their clients’ sore spots and
triggers. Empaths can be a much-needed counterbalance to these types,
creating safe spaces that are emotionally welcoming, nurturing, and
validating.
The empathic therapist may struggle, though, with restraint. An important
part of therapy work is self-reflection, self-revelation, and the development of
self-awareness; none of these things can be accomplished when a therapist
does too much of the work, or emotional processing, on their patient's behalf.
If someone is simply told: "The root of all your relationship problems is your
fractured relationship with your own mother," the chances are that they will
react with skepticism or even hostility, as it makes most people very
uncomfortable to be seen by others in a way that they cannot see themselves.
However, if they are able to come to this realization on their own terms, they
will be better able to incorporate this idea into their healing journey, and
better motivated to work on personal growth, feeling empowered rather than
vulnerable and ashamed. This can be difficult for empaths, which can often
read people very quickly and detect the root of their frustrations ages before
the person in question develops enough self-awareness to catch wise.

Intuitive Counseling
Intuitive counseling is very similar to talk therapy but incorporates the
therapist’s empathic sensitivities to a far greater extent. An intuitive
counselor will look beyond the framework of traditional psychotherapy and
use their empathic instincts to help patients to uncover repressed or buried
truths about themselves. Intuitive counselors may also make more specific
recommendations to their patients, providing actionable advice where most
traditional therapists would only be able to generalize.
Intuitive counselors should still aim to respect the same patient-therapist
boundaries that a therapist would. The primary difference lies in the fact that
they are honest with their clients about their ability to pick up on unspoken
cues, and that they may use intuitive information to inform their work in
sessions. As an example, an intuitive counselor might handle work with a
client in an abusive marriage very differently than a traditional therapist
would; the traditional therapist would not be at liberty to push their client to
examine the realities of their marriage unless the client expressed concerns
themselves. The intuitive counselor, by contrast, would be able to say: “I’ve
picked up on some negative energies surrounding your marriage, and I
wonder if we can begin addressing that in our session today. Am I reading
this energy accurately?”
Many intuitive counselors also hold degrees in social work or psychology, as
well as licenses to practice traditional therapy. Some, however, do not. If you
are a patient, it’s important to do some research to understand what degrees,
licenses and accolades your counselor has acquired, and what they all mean.
Finding the right therapist or counselor may be a lengthy process, but it can
be made worlds easier when you know what you are looking for before you
begin. Reserve the right to be picky; your therapist or counselor should be an
individual that you feel comfortable with, who respects you and works to
earn your respect in turn. No amount of degrees or licenses should override
your sense that someone isn’t right for you, nor should a lack of appropriate
credentials stop you from working with someone who seems like a good fit.
 Conclusion

Going on a journey of self-exploration is one of the kindest things you can

ever do for yourself.
You've provided an important quality of life that not everybody will be able
to emulate. You've given yourself the opportunity to seek out greater
fulfillment. There are many empaths that will go throughout their entire lives
without recognizing their abilities. They will be confused by these constant
thoughts and emotions they have.
Others will call them sensitive and they won't make any sense of their
surroundings. They will feel isolated, confused, sad, and lonely. This is one
of the most tragic things that could ever happen to an empath. There are
others that would love to be able to seek this gift. They are missing
something important in their life and will seek out answers in all avenues.
Feeling confused about what to do in your life is one thing, but not having
intention or purpose can be even worse.
It feels like you can’t fully go on when you don’t know what your purpose is
next. It can make you feel like an outcast and as though your life has no
meaning. We might have everything we could ever need: money, family,
fortune, friends, status, beauty, health, and everything else.
If we still don’t know what our emotional purpose is, we can feel rather
empty inside.
Don't allow yourself to fall into this kind of pattern. Instead, focus on how
you can nourish and flourish your overall powers. Put yourself first and
prioritize your own emotions. You can’t give to others when your own bowl
is empty.
You don’t let certain things become empty in your life such as your bank
account, phone battery, refrigerator, and so on. Sometimes these things do get
empty, but usually unintentionally. If you prioritize fulfilling these as much
as possible, why are you not making sure your emotional meter is just as
full?
Being an empath has given you a unique perspective that others will never be
able to achieve, even if they actively seek that out. The experiences that we
have are not something that can be taught. You can tell others of the things
that you went through, but very few will be able to fully grasp the severity of
the situation.
Even the most skilled empaths won’t be able to understand your perspective
100%. They will have a greater sense of what you’ve gone through compared
to others, but they won’t be able to entirely view things from the same eyes
that you have. Walking a mile in someone else’s shoes can provide clarity,
but they were still the ones to wear them first.
Every experience that you have gone through has created the person that you
are now.
That might not be something that you're entirely satisfied with in this
moment, but one day, you will be able to look back on your biggest struggles
and recognize they've created the incredible person that you are.
Even if one minor change had occurred, who knows what the other outcomes
would be. Perhaps you did make a wrong decision in the past that led you
away from something good.
Maybe you could have been a wealthy successful doctor if only you had
switched your major like you wanted to in your first semester of college.
Perhaps you went on to live your fantasy life and meet the girl of your
dreams, having a happily ever after.
At the same time, maybe something tragic could have occurred. Maybe on
your final day of classes during your medical studies, you get in a car
accident. Perhaps you end up becoming a doctor, spending all this time and
money on it, and once you get an actual job, you realize that you hate the
hospital you’ve moved closer to work at.
Maybe you become a doctor, and it changes how people treat you. Perhaps
you meet somebody different than who you are with now, and you have
children with them. This could mean that children you currently have don’t
exist and instead others do. You would likely love them just as much, but the
idea of anyone we love in our life being different from who they are now is
terrifying.
It’s not always about physical situations either. Perhaps you simply would
have had a different perspective if you weren’t here now.
You have gone through experiences in your life that evoked the desire to dig
deeper within yourself. There is something missing, and now you are going
to seek fulfillment.
This is the start of your journey, so who knows what’s awaiting you! This
could be the catalyst that helps drive you to your destiny.
We can never know what could have happened, just like we can never know
what will happen.
We will never know what we should have done. We will never know all that
we could have done. We will never know how it might have affected us.
And we have to learn how to accept that.
All we can do is make the most of our surroundings now. That can lead us on
a path towards greater fulfillment.
As an empath, embrace everything in your life, even the negative. You will
always be able to find value from things, even if they are seemingly terrible.
Always seek out a greater truth and allow yourself the opportunity to explore
every facet of your mind. It is only when you give yourself the freedom to do
this that you will be able to embrace life to the fullest and discover
fulfillment.
OVERTHINKING
By William Mind
 Introduction
If we weren’t able to consciously process thoughts, we could not have
accomplished all the economic, technological, political, and social
advancements we have today. Thinking provides a lot of advantages in
modern society. It would be easy to assume or believe that overthinking
would yield even more benefits if we go by that logic.

Oh, how wrong we are! Overthinking is a negative habit that has the potential
to cause a lot of problems rather than offer effective solutions. Whether
you’re overthinking events that happened in the past, situations you’re
currently encountering (or about to encounter), people’s opinions, reactions
or decisions, overthinking can cloud your judgment and prevent you from
taking the realistic approach that you should be. The problem with
overthinking is that it invades your mind with doubt and fills it with
confusion, negativity, obstacles that don’t exist and deteriorates the happiness
in your life bit by bit.

Thankfully, there are some active steps you can take to quit your
overthinking habit for good. That’s the reason you picked up this book. You
know that something needs to be done. You know this habit is holding you
back from living your life, and you want to take back control. Overthinking
will put you in a state of stagnation, and to overcome it, you need to get to the
root of the problem once and for all.

That’s where this book comes in handy. You’re going to learn how to
recognize unhelpful thoughts, rewire your brain, and build the mental
toughness you need to keep these negative thought patterns at bay.
Overthinking is the complete and all essential guide you need to improve
your self-esteem and minimize the anxiety brought about by these destructive
mental habits. You’re going to learn how to redirect your thoughts for the
better. If your overthinking tendencies have become a habit, it might take a
while to break out of this pattern. The good news? You’re on the right track
already. Let’s get to work then, shall we?
There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for
choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much
useful information as possible; please enjoy!
 Chapter 107: What is Overthinking?

I don’t know what’s going on. What if this decision is the wrong one? What if
I’m making a huge mistake? Why is this happening? Is it me? Am I the one to
blame?

The mind is our more precious tool. But what happens when our thoughts
start to get out of control? Humans are gifted with a superior thinking
capacity that sets us apart from other living beings on this planet. The human
brain can create great things like buildings, literature, movies, novels, and
thousands of other inventions that have enhanced our way of life throughout
history. It is remarkable what we can do when we put our minds to it.

Thinking allows us to excel in school, go to college, plan for the future, get a
job. No doubt, our mind is our biggest asset, but what happens when the mind
stops being your ally and starts becoming your enemy? What if your mind
starts to get out of control and starts eating away at your happiness? What
would happen if your mind started producing destructive thoughts that
threaten to hold you back in life and ruin the relationships you’ve worked so
hard to build?

Overthinking Explained
Thinking too much. That is exactly what it means to overthink. When you
spend too much time thinking instead of taking action, when you analyze and
repeat the same thoughts in your mind but do very little about it, you’re
overthinking.

Overthinking happens when you take a relatively simple or small situation

and blowing the problem up far bigger than it needs to be. For example,
should I wear my new shirt for work today? But what if everyone teases me?
What if I’m too overdressed for casual Friday? They’ll think I’m silly or
trying to be far too fancy. Maybe it’s not such a good idea to wear my new
shirt after all. I should save it for another occasion. But what if that occasion
never comes up?

Or how about another, more relatable example of overthinking happening in

a relationship. You send a text to your crush whom you’ve recently started
dating. You wait eagerly for their reply, but an hour passes. Two hours. Three
hours. Still nothing from them. Your mind starts to go into overdrive. Why
aren’t they texting me back? Are they busy? Have they lost interest in me?
Was it something I said? Maybe they’re annoyed that I’m texting them first.
Maybe they want to break up with me. Could they be ghosting me? Is it me?
Why does this always happen to me?
The Reason Behind It
To be trapped by the thoughts in your mind is torture. Being locked in and
unable to escape the negativity is mental torture. The brain is tricky in that
way. Telling it not think about something rarely ever works. We naturally
want certainty. We want control. We want to know what’s happening. We
want concrete answers to the questions we have. When we don’t get what we
need to satisfy that urge, the brain goes into overdrive, coming up with
scenarios of its own.

Why does overthinking happen? Well, along with the ability to think, humans
have another special ability called intuition. Intuition is defined as the ability
to immediately understand something without any need for conscious
reasoning. Have you ever been told to “go with your gut” when you were
stuck on a decision that had to be made? “Gut” in this context refers to your
intuition, and it does highlight the fact that your intuitive thoughts are not
coming from your conscious mind. Instead, they stem from your
subconscious mind. If you’ve ever experienced those moments when it feels
like your brain is arguing with itself, this is the reason why.

Your subconscious mind sometimes tries to give you answers to the problems
you’re facing. You need to make decisions every day. What makes it scary
for a lot of people is how those decisions determine the direction your life is
going and what you’re going to experience next. This can be an
overwhelming notion for many and why overthinking is such a problem.
We’re afraid of regret, and since time continues to move forward instead of
backward, it feels like every decision that is going to impact our life matters.
Once a decision has been made, you cannot go back in time and change the
moment. You can’t alter the choice you’ve made most of the time, and you
must live with the consequences of your decisions. The last thing we want is
to make a decision that we come to regret. We don’t want to live with the
possibility that we could have experienced something better if only we had
made a different decision. See why overthinking is a big problem?
Ask anyone you meet, and they’ll tell you that they don’t want to look back
on their life with regret when they’re old one day, wishing they had done
certain things differently. To complicate matters more, we never know what
the guaranteed outcome is going to be for most of the decisions we make.
Overthinking happens because the mind is constantly wrestling with the
many possibilities it is faced with. The uncertainty of not knowing which
decision is going to be the best decision only makes it harder to figure out the
right choices to make.

Ultimately, the root cause of overthinking is fear. The seeds that it sows in
your mind will prey upon your thoughts to the point they become out of
control. None of us came into this world being afraid. The fear we experience
today is what we’ve developed out of trauma or life experiences. Even when
the traumatic experience has passed, remnants of that fear remain, and we
continue to carry that fear around with us for the rest of our lives. Fear is the
poison that latches unto our mind and, if left unchecked, triggers a lot of the
overthinking that happens. These destructive thought patterns become an
inescapable habit once it starts. The more we overthink, the more fear we
invite in. The more fear we invite in, the more unsettled our thoughts are. It
takes considerable effort to break out of this cycle and without the right
support and tools to do it, it can feel nearly impossible to do.
Image Source: The Franklin Institute

Types of Overthinking
Overthinking comes in many different forms. We’ve all been a victim of
overthinking at some point. When you’re taking a test and change your
answers several times during the last few minutes. When you want to
message an old friend but haven’t done it yet because you’re spending far too
much time trying to craft the perfect text message. When you want to go up
and introduce yourself to a new group of colleagues on your first day, but you
hold back because you’re worried they may not like you, or you wouldn’t
make a good first impression. When you can’t decide what to eat despite
spending several minutes looking at the food menu while the waitress stands
by your table waiting. Those are examples of the many moments in life
where we’re guilty of overthinking more than we should have.

Some common examples of thinking patterns that might indicate you’re

prone to thinking too much include the following:

Neglecting Intuition - You’re ignoring your instincts. On some

level, you already know what the right decision should be, but you
continue thinking about it anyway and hesitate to take any real
action. If your instincts are telling you to go for it, but you still
hesitate anyway, that’s a clear indicator you’re guilty of
overthinking.

Complex Thinking - You spend too much time thinking about the
many complex factors involved in a decision without weighing in
on the importance of each factor. You’re unable to filter and
narrow down these factors because everything feels important the
more time you spend thinking about it.

Premature Thinking - Overthinking also takes the form of

premature thinking. This happens when you exert unnecessary
time and energy thinking about decisions that do not need to be
made yet.
Irrelevant Thinking - On the other hand, you could also be guilty
of overthinking when you spend too much time and energy,
making decisions that are unnecessary.

Avoidance Thinking - Perhaps you subconsciously want to avoid

doing something, and you resort to overthinking to convince
yourself why you shouldn’t go through with it. You try to avoid
making decisions altogether if you can help it. Excuses will be
aplenty if you want it to be. You’re trying to avoid making
decisions because you know you’re not the best at it, but avoiding
decisions altogether is not the healthiest approach to take either.

Problem Creation - A common habit overthinkers tend to indulge

in is seeing problems that don’t exist. A solution could be
straightforward, but the more time they spend thinking about it,
the more problems seem to manifest that might not have been
there before.

Overlooking the Bigger Picture - Overthinkers are so focused on

the many problems at hand and so consumed by them that they fail
to see the bigger picture. In doing so, they fail to make effective
decisions when their mind is already biased toward the negative.

Overdoing the Solutions - Presenting a big, bold solution might

sound like the right thing to do, but the truth is, overthinking could
put you at risk of overdoing it. Instead of a small, simple solution
that would have been effective enough, your solution becomes so
over the top that you might end up missing the point entirely.
Indecisiveness - If you struggle with making simple decisions,
such as what to eat at a restaurant or what to wear to the office
today, you’re overthinking it.

Ruminating - Repeating scenarios in your mind over and over

again is what overthinkers tend to do. Those who suffer from
anxiety tend to do the same thing too. When you spend a lot of
time going over the same thing in your mind, you’re ruminating. It
could either be about past conversations you’ve had or events that
happened to you, or it could be something you need to do in the
future. Either way, if you’re thinking about it more than you
should, there’s a good chance you’re overthinking it. This happens
to be an extremely exhausting habit too that can leave you feeling
emotionally and physically drained.

Repetition - Overthinkers have a tendency to repeat themselves.

That’s because you’re spending a lot of time going over the same
things in your mind, so when you’re talking to family or friends,
you’re prone to repeating yourself. If anyone you know has
mentioned on more than one occasion, “You’ve told me this
before,” that could be a clue that signals you might be thinking
too much.

Refusing to Act - Overthinkers sometimes might refuse to act at

all until they have all the information they need on hand. Even
then, it might not be enough to convince them to decide in a timely
manner. Even when there are occasions when you don’t
necessarily need all the information on hand before deciding,
overthinkers will find it nearly impossible to act anyway. They
will seek out every single detail and ask multiple people the same
question repeatedly in an attempt to clarify the details that they
 need.

Distractedness - Overthinkers rarely ever live in the present

because they’re too busy worrying about their problems or
pondering multiple scenarios in their minds. They spend so much
time caught up in their head; they’re not focused on what is
happening around them at that moment. When they carry out their
daily tasks, they’re not present. When they’re having a
conversation with someone, they’re not present.

The Causes
There is always a reason or a cause behind everything that happens. This
includes the thoughts you have. Very rarely do thoughts randomly spring to
mind for no apparent reason. When you catch yourself overthinking, there is
always going to be a reason behind it. Something that sparked that train of
thought. It is now up to you to identify what those triggers are. Now, this
may be something you’re reluctant or hesitant to do at first, but it needs to be
done nonetheless. It is important to identify your causes. Only when you
know the root cause of any problem can you then begin to fix it.

You’re not alone. Excessive thoughts are something a lot of people struggle
with each day. We’ve all had those moments where the brain seems to go a
mile a minute, and it seems impossible to quiet all that noise that it’s making.
Telling your brain to slow down and stop is not easy, especially when the
brain seems to come up with more problems faster than it can produce the
solution. Let’s look at some of the common excessive thinking triggers:

Trigger #1: Social Media

Social media usage has skyrocketed within the last decade. We spend more
time on platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and SnapChat more
than we do on any other online space. What do you do when you find
yourself idle or with some free time on your hands? You pick up your phone
and start scrolling through your newsfeed. Whether we like to admit it or not,
social media is changing why and how we do certain things. It is even
changing the way we think and has become one of the many triggers for the
tendency to overthink. Why? Because when we’re on social media, we start
comparing.

We compare the life we have to the ones we see on social media. We

compare our lives to that of our family and friends who seem to be having it
all. Someone just got engaged. Someone’s celebrating an anniversary.
Someone else is about to jet off on a holiday you’ve been dying to go on.
Someone just got promoted. When you look at all these, it becomes almost
impossible not to compare. You look at all the smiling faces and enthusiastic
announcements and start to think: Why not me? Why do they seem to have it
all? Why can’t I get that lucky? Why does my life have to be this way? It’s no
wonder social media usage has been linked to higher levels of depression on
loneliness. An entire generation is growing up with lower self-esteem levels
than the previous generation. As if that wasn’t worrying enough, they’re
growing up with higher levels of anxiety and a penchant for excessive
thinking. They don’t want to be obsessed with their thoughts, but they can’t
seem to help it.

Amid all that comparison and overthinking, we forget that not everything we
see on social media is as it seems. The grass will always seem greener than it
is on the other side. As excessive negative thoughts start swimming through
our mind, we forget to remember that social media is where people come to
share the positive aspects of their lives. Most people don’t share the struggles
they go through because they don’t want anyone else to know they’re
struggling. Would you share your struggles on social media? Regardless,
since social media is a big part of our lives today, it has unfortunately become
one of the biggest contributors to negative excessive thinking, poor self-
esteem, self-doubt, and dissatisfaction.
Whenever there is an imbalance between two cognitive-behavioral systems in
the human brain, there is a higher rate of problematic use of social
networking sites. (Credit: YouTube)

Trigger #2: Relationship Anxiety

Excessive thinking is a regular occurrence among those who struggle with
anxiety and who also happen to be in relationships. Specifically, romantic
relationships. Now, relationship anxiety may not be a common diagnosis
under the list of all the other anxiety disorders, but it is common, and the
effects can be as devastating as all the other forms of anxiety. Overthinkers
and anxiety sufferers struggle when they are in a relationship. They
constantly seek reassurance or approval from their partner, looking for
validation that they are still loved. When they don’t get the desired response
they were hoping for, their mind starts going into a tailspin, churning out all
sorts of possible scenarios about why their partner is not responding the way
that they hoped.
There could be several reasons why relationships might become a trigger for
your excessive thoughts and anxiety. It could be a bad dating experience you
had in the past that left you scarred to this day. Perhaps you struggle with
insecurity and low self-esteem. Maybe you’re afraid to open yourself up to
your partner and expose the vulnerable side of yourself out of fear of getting
hurt. Even the fear of getting hurt could send your thoughts and emotions
hurtling out of control. Here’s the interesting bit: People who struggle with
relationship anxiety would STILL rather be in a relationship than be alone.
Yet, when they become intimately involved with someone, the anxiety rears
its ugly head and sabotages the relationship, thanks to all the overthinking
and doubt, insecurities, and fears that are present. Without any way of
controlling your thoughts or emotions, they can quickly get out of control,
and it won’t be long before you end up pushing your partner away.

Your excessive negative thoughts will always be at the back of your mind,
whispering ideas that the relationship is either doomed to fail or will
eventually fail anyway. For that matter, how do you be sure that you
genuinely love the person you’re with? Where’s the guarantee that the
relationship is going to last a lifetime? How do we know if our partners love
us the same way we love them? Could it be that we love them more than they
love us? Overthinkers need constant validation, guarantees, and the need for
control. They crave certainty and the security of knowing exactly how
everything is going to turn out. Unfortunately, that’s not possible.

Trigger #3: Living Up to Expectations

People pleasers and overthinkers could be the same person. It is possible that
you’re both if you worry too much about what other people think. Or if you
find it difficult to say no, even though deep down, that’s the answer you want
to give. People pleasers rarely put their happiness first before someone else’s.
They go out of their way and bend over backward just to try and make others
happy. They worry about what others might think, they worry about how they
are perceived, and they worry about whether they’re liked. All these worries
lead to excessive thinking, which eventually leads to them saying yes when
what they should be saying is no.

The fear of not living up to other people’s expectations is a fear that haunts
many anxiety-ridden overthinkers. When you spend too much time caring
about what other people might do, say or think about you, you’re not
spending enough time caring about your happiness. Trying to live up to
someone else’s expectations prevents you from being fully present in your
life. Why? Because the things you do are not done for you. You’re not
making decisions based on what’s going to move you forward in life. You’re
not making decisions based on what’s best for you. You’re not investing time
in tasks that are going to contribute to your future success.

There’s a big problem when you’re worrying too much about what other
people think. Worrying about what others think about you can leave you so
consumed by your thoughts that it leaves you in a state of paralysis. You start
hesitating when it comes to doing anything for yourself because you’re
concerned about what your neighbors might think, what your family thinks,
or what your friends might make of it. You’re so worried that it stops you
from taking any action at all. Paralysis. It literally stops you from achieving
any progress.

Image Source: Scott H. Young

Trigger #4: Worrying About Life in General
You worry about work, money, your family, the future, being stuck with an
illness, school, your job, and the list could go on. Worrying about life, in
general, is a big cause of overthinking, and it’s no surprise either since there
seems to be so much to worry about in the first place. We’re worried all the
time despite trying to paste a smile on our faces and present a calm,
composed facade to the rest of the world. Overthinking in this category can
feel pretty unbearable at times.

Your anxious excessive thoughts are often about specific or particular things,
and most of the time, these excessive thoughts roam free in your mind when
self-awareness is not present. Without self-awareness, it becomes difficult to
see just how little control you have over the contents of your mind if you
continue to allow overthinking to be the dominant force. The biggest trigger
of anxious and excessive thoughts in this category is the fear of what we
cannot control and the fear of what the future holds. Every facet of your life
is going to bring with it some form of worry or another, and if you gave in to
each of these thoughts, it could spell emotional disaster. Given the sheer
amount of things that could go wrong, indulging your overthinking mind is
going to skyrocket your anxiety faster than you can keep up.

The human brain hates uncertainty. It doesn’t take kindly to unknown

variables and any element that is out of its control. That’s why worrying
about life, in general, is a major cause of overthinking. This is why anxiety
sufferers and overthinkers find the prospect of the future so alarming. The
fear of the unknown happens to be all the fuel their brain needs to start
working overtime, churning out one negative thought after another.

The Dangerous Effects of Overthinking

Overthinking is a dangerous and unhealthy habit that needs to be broken. It
will do nothing for you except to consume your energy and suck the
happiness from your life. It puts a halt in your ability to make effective
decisions, and you end up wasting a lot of time and energy being stuck in
your head instead of taking proactive measures to create the outcomes you
want. It’s a habit that will leave you stagnant, sort of like tying a rope around
your leg, and at the other end of the rope is a pole. Instead of moving
forward, you find yourself running in circles around the pole, going nowhere
fast.

Overthinking is the root of several problems, one of which is that it leads to

an increased risk of developing mental illness. According to a study
conducted in 2013 that was published in the Journal of Abnormal
Psychology, and overthinking can lead to an increased risk of developing
mental health problems. Ruminating traps you in a vicious negative cycle that
can be extremely difficult to break out of if you don’t have the right support
and tools at your disposal. The unhappier you feel, the more your mental
health declines, which eventually leads to some of the mental health
problems talked about below. Some of these problems include:
It Causes Mental Illness - According to a study conducted in
2013, that was published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology,
overthinking can lead to an increased risk of developing mental
health problems (if you weren’t dealing with these already).
Ruminating traps you in a vicious negative cycle that can be
extremely difficult to break out of if you don’t have the right
support and tools at your disposal. The unhappier you feel, the
more your mental health declines, which eventually leads to some
of the mental health problems talked about below.

It Causes Anxiety - Your thoughts create emotions. It could be

anything from grief, anger, sadness, happiness, joy, jubilation,
eagerness, nervousness, and more. These are the sensations
produced by thought. Anxious people are known to be
overthinkers. They create so many possible scenarios in their
minds about all the bad things that could possibly happen that they
find themselves constantly plagued by anxiety. They worry about
the future, and that stops them from living freely in the present.
Living with so much anxiety each day makes them miserable,
exhausted, and in more dire circumstances, it could lead to
depression and suicidal thoughts. Yes, it is quite possible to
literally think yourself to death.

It Causes Depression - Anxiety comes from worrying about the

future, while depression is a consequence of holding on to the past.
Your thoughts keep you trapped in the events that have already
happened, even though there’s nothing you can do to change it
now. However, overthinking is just one of the many possible
causes of depression, and it is not solely responsible for this
condition alone. Thinking about past events repeatedly wishing
you could go back in time or change it will only make you
miserable. Because there’s no way to go back in time. Yet, some
people continue to allow thoughts of the past to be a heavy burden
that they carry with them every waking moment, leading to their
feelings of unhappiness so strong it becomes depression. They
waste precious time almost every day thinking about the “what
if’s” and wondering what would have happened if things had gone
differently. “What if” is a question that weighs heavily on their
mind and each time they think about it, they only become more
miserable. The past cannot be changed, and the best you can do is
to take the lessons from experience and use them for the benefit of
your future to make better decisions. Like anxiety, depression can
eventually lead to suicidal thoughts if your thoughts get the better
of you.

It Causes Insomnia - Does your worrying brain keep you awake

all night long? Tossing and turning, you try to go to sleep, but the
minute you close your eyes, your mind goes right back to
whatever it is you were worrying about. Overthinking causes
insomnia and even when your body may be tired, your mind
remains active enough to keep you awake because your worried
thoughts just won’t leave you alone. Forcing yourself to go to
sleep is not going to work either. Falling asleep is a mechanism
that your mind cannot control and if your mind is too busy
overthinking to shut down properly for the night, you’ll be left to
deal with insomnia. Trouble falling asleep is not something to be
taken lightly. Sleep is essential for our overall well-being. To
function at our best each day, we need to get enough sleep every
night. To get the proper sleep, our bodies need each night; the
mind needs to be fully relaxed, which you can’t do if your mind is
consumed by an unending stream of thoughts.

It Causes Inaction - Overthinking can result in the inability to

make decisions. You could be running through a thousand ideas of
scenarios in your mind, yet find yourself unable to reach any
decision. Why? Because you’re too worried about making the
wrong decision. Along with the ideas you’re thinking about,
you’re also considering the possible ways every decision could go
wrong or backfire. Your brain will always give you a reason not to
do something or not to act. The possibility of rejection or failure
will always be there with every choice you’re faced with. Whether
it’s starting a business, pitching a proposal to a new client, asking
someone out on a date. The possibility of rejection is always there,
but if you don’t go for it, you’ll never know what might have been.
Yet, overthinkers would rather take “no” for an answer than take
the risks and go for it. They would rather choose to go with
uncertainty and let the opportunity pass them by because they lack
the confidence to move forward, too paralyzed by their worried
thoughts to act decisively. In short, overthinking leads to a lot of
wasted opportunities.
Your thoughts are powerful. They create the experiences that you have, and
each time you overthink, you’re sabotaging your happiness and wellbeing. If
you’ve tried to forcibly control your thoughts before this, you probably
haven’t had much luck. This is why you’re reading this book. The more you
try to forcibly control your mind, the more resistance it seems to give. That’s
why overcoming negativity feels like such a struggle. Your mind is resisting
because it is biassed toward the negative, and it wants to stay in that zone
where it feels comfortable. But when you observe your thoughts rather than
try to control them, they’ll automatically start to slow down as they pass in
and out of your mind. Overcoming the habit of overthinking is not about
forcing control; it is about understanding and acknowledgment. To
understand what you’re up against, acknowledge its presence and try to find a
workable solution without trying to force control, that’s when you’re one step
closer to becoming the master of your mind.
 Chapter 108: Signs and Symptoms

A mind that won’t seem to shut off can be one of the most difficult and
challenging ordeals to live with. Could you imagine never having a break
from your relentless negative thoughts? Well, if you’re an overthinker (or
suspect you might be), you probably have an inkling about what that feels
like already. In your darkest and most negative moments, it can feel like
you’re all alone in this world, but it is important to remember that you’re not.

You might ask yourself: Why is overthinking such a bad thing if I’m spending
extra time trying to come up with a master plan? At some point, we’ve all
experienced those moments where we think: If only I had done what I was
supposed to do in the first place. That’s one of the many problems with this
bad habit. It leads to the false sense of security and belief that you’re making
progress when in reality, you’re spending too much time planning and
thinking about the actions that should be taken you end up missing the
opportunity to act altogether. Let’s explore this in greater detail.

How to Identify If You’re an Overthinker

If given a choice, no one would want to live with a broken record in their
head. No one wants to think the same negative thought repeatedly until they
feel like they’re possibly going mad. Since the mind is where it all begins, if
you don’t have peace in your thoughts, you don’t have peace of mind. How
do you tell if your mind is holding back? Well, the first thing to do is to
identify if you’re an overthinker. Getting to the root of the problem means
having the ability to acknowledge that there is a problem to begin with. Once
you accept it, you can begin to fix it, just like what was discussed in Chapter
1.

You might be an overthinker if you relate to any of the signs below that
indicate your thoughts are the ones running the show:

Confusion - If you find you’re struggling to maintain a clear head,

you’re likely thinking too much, and that’s causing the confusion
that you feel. You repeat things that you’ve said multiple times
before; you exhibit certain obsessive-compulsive tendencies like
regularly repeating steps or routines because you can’t recall if
you’ve done them already. You seek reassurance about the same
thing several times but still experience a feeling of unsettling
uncertainty. Without the ability to regulate your emotions and your
thoughts, your mind can quickly get carried away, and when it
does, confusion quickly follows.

Consistent Negative Perception - You always see the negative in

everything that happens. A mind that is overrun with thoughts
constantly struggles to see the silver lining, even if it’s right there
in front of you. Overthinkers tend to immediately jump toward the
negative, and the mind latches on to that, refusing to let go.

Self-Doubt - Overthinkers don’t trust their judgment. That’s partly

because they struggle with perfectionism that is unrealistic. When
they fall short, they feel incompetent and lose confidence in their
abilities. Self-doubt can be a crippling burden to bear, and as soon
it gets a foothold in your mind, it can be a very tough habit to
break out of. We know that we shouldn’t focus on the negative.
We know we should believe in ourselves.

Frequent Tiredness - Negative thoughts drain your energy.

Combine that with overthinking where your mind may be running
a mile a minute; it’s no wonder you still feel exhausted and
drained of energy despite getting the rest you need. You feel
exhausted, even when you haven’t done much. You become
lethargic, slow-moving, and everything begins to feel like it
requires a monumental effort to get it done. That’s probably
because thinking too much means your mind never fully shuts off,
although you’re technically supposed to be resting.

Your Life Is Ruled by Fear - Now that it’s been pinpointed that
fear is the underlying cause for a lot of the overthinking that
happens, another sign to watch out for that indicates you’re an
overthinker is when your life is ruled by fear. You feel trapped and
unable to enjoy life anymore. There always seems to be something
to be worried about even before you’ve left the house each day.
Fear is a normal human emotion. For overthinkers, fear has
become a constant part of their life. When your fear has grown so
strong, it inhibits you from living your life and pursuing your
dreams; you might be an overthinker yourself.

Afraid of Failure - To become good at anything, you need to be

comfortable with the idea of failing. But this is something an
overthinker cannot do because they’re afraid of failure. When you
were a child, you weren’t afraid of learning to walk. It didn’t
matter how many times you fell over or what happened with each
attempt. You kept trying until finally, you learned to walk. Giving
up never crossed your mind at this stage. Clearly, avoiding failure
is something we learned to develop later in life. Most of us
become afraid of failing and embarrassing ourselves, and for an
overthinker, this fear is magnified. As a result, they stagnate in
life, and if you find this is happening to you, your thoughts might
be more powerful than you realized.
Overanalyzing - Thinking too much can lead to anxiety, but so
can overanalyzing. Overthinkers are prone to this sort of behavior
since they easily get caught up in their thoughts and try to achieve
unrealistic notions of perfection. They try to make everything as
perfect as possible before deciding to take any sort of action.
Since perfection is not an entirely attainable concept all the time,
overthinkers find themselves in the paralysis by analysis state that
was discussed in Chapter 1. Overthinkers mistake all that
“planning and analyzing” as a way of taking action, but they don’t
realize that most of the time, nothing effective is getting done.
They plan, plan, and plan, but that’s about as far as they go.

Unrealistic Deadlines - Overthinkers could either be working for

a boss that sets unrealistic deadlines, or they set these unrealistic
deadlines themselves. Unrealistic deadlines are the cause of a great
deal of stress, and when you try to push yourself to do too much
too soon, you start feeling overwhelmed and succumb to the power
of your negative thoughts. Because of that fear of failure they
carry around with them, overthinkers can sometimes take on more
than they can handle out of fear of being perceived negatively.
They don’t want to be thought of as incompetent or that they’re
not good enough. But demanding too much from yourself if you
happen to be an overthinker who sets unrealistic demands is not
doing you any favors in terms of helping you break the cycle of
stress and unhealthy thinking habits.

You’re Not Present - Overthinking means your thoughts are

seldom in sync with the outward events happening around you.
That makes it difficult to be fully present in the moment. When
you’re supposed to be spending time with family and friends,
you’re busy overthinking something that happened at work
yesterday or ruminating about a comment that was said to you in
passing. When you’re supposed to be in a meeting listening for
 crucial key points, you’re caught up in your thoughts, wondering if
you’re living up to expectations or what your boss thinks of you.
Overthinking makes it difficult for us to feel what we’re meant to
feel when we should be feeling it. When you’re meant to be
feeling happy at your best friend’s birthday celebration, you’re
instead feeling anxious over that big presentation you have to give
at work in a couple of days. It stops you from living in the present,
and you’re in danger of watching a lot of crucial moments just
pass you by.

The Relationship Between Overthinking and

Anxiety
The two terms are often used interchangeably, and since many of the
symptoms tend to overlap, it’s understandable to see why. While they share
many similar traits, anxiety is a completely different matter altogether. From
the symptoms we experience to the way we experience, one of the few
common similarities overthinking and anxiety shares are the havoc they
wreak on our psychological and emotional health. What are these subtle yet
important distinctions between the two? Let’s find out.
Anxiety is identified by the following characteristics:

Originally, anxiety is a survival mechanism present in all of us. Its

primary function is to alert us to the presence of danger, and it is
not meant to be an emotion that lingers for long. Once the danger
has passed, anxiety should dissipate, but that’s not the case if you
happen to be dealing with an anxiety disorder.
Activates the body’s fight or flight response.
With an anxiety disorder, the body remains in an unnatural
heightened state of alertness. Everything feels like a cause for
alarm, and it triggers a constant flow of cortisol throughout the
body.
Diagnosed as a psychiatric or mental health disorder that is
capable of derailing your daily life because of the persistent fear
and worry that seems to follow you everywhere you go.
It does not necessarily originate from a logical source, making it
difficult to pinpoint what the underlying cause may be. It can be
difficult to talk yourself out of an anxious episode.
It has a stigma associated with it because it is classified as a
mental health issue. It is not uncommon for those struggling with
anxiety to be misunderstood, even by those who are closest to
them.
It can feel like a lonely and isolating burden to bear when you feel
disconnected to the people closest to you. Many who struggle with
anxiety are often embarrassed to admit what they’re going through
out of fear of being rejected.
The anxious thoughts manifest differently from one person to the
next.
Anxiety tends to make you feel like you’re running in a hamster
wheel, going round and round in circles with no productive
solution or end in sight.
The emotions, fear, panic, and distress felt can make it feel
impossible to function normally in your routine. Some people
experience anxiety to such an extreme level they’re too afraid to
leave the house, let alone do anything else that requires venturing
outside their comfortable or “safe” zone.
Relentless and persistent worries that won’t seem to go away, no
matter how hard the person may try to reason with themselves.
The fear felt can sometimes be so great that it leads to a panic
attack episode.
Insomnia and difficulty are trying to stay calm in a lot of
situations.
Irritable, frustrated, tired, and feeling like they are always on edge
are some of the common emotions felt by those dealing with this
disorder.
 The physical symptoms that are associated with this condition
include shortness of breath, difficulty breathing, rapid heartbeat,
sweaty palms, upset stomach, difficulty concentrating, and muscle
aches and pains.
A persistent sense of foreboding or dread, like something bad, is
going to happen at any time.
Some instances of severe anxiety may require medical intervention
or treatment to help resolve the situation.

Overthinking, on the other hand, is associated with the following traits:

Originally meant to be used as a method to resolve. When

experienced in excess, overthinking disrupts our ability to think
rationally and logically.
Part of the usual thought process cycle for many people.
Situations, events, or thoughts can cause immense stress and a lot
of unnecessary worries. However, the concerns tend to be a lot
more realistic than those of anxiety.
A source or trigger is almost always immediately identifiable.
Since the worrying thought stems from something specific, you
may be able to talk yourself out of it and calm your thoughts.
Overthinking is mostly a mental experience, unlike anxiety, where
the symptoms are severe enough to manifest physically. With
overthinking, we tend to be caught up in our thoughts more so than
anything else.
Less likely to produce a strong cardiovascular response the way
anxiety does.
In some cases, overthinking could trigger problem-solving and
acts as a strong enough motivator that gets you actively thinking
about the solutions, so you don’t have to deal with the problem
any longer.
 The emotional distress felt is a lot milder than what you would
experience with anxiety. Aside from impeding your ability to
focus, overthinking is less likely to cause any real problems to
your ability to function in your daily routine.
Overthinking is a condition that is a lot more manageable than its
anxious counterpart. Since overthinking has the potential to lead to
problem-solving, every solution you come up with means your
worry diminishes your worries a little bit more.
The worries experience here can either be temporary, or they can
linger longer than they should. Generally, once a problem has been
resolved, the mind should be put at ease and move on to something
else to focus on.
Less likely to impact our professional and personal lives the way
anxiety would. Overthinking does not have the same stigma
associated with it the way anxiety does.
Worrying and the tendency to overthink is still considered a
normal psychological state, unlike anxiety. However, overthinking
excessively is not healthy either.
It does not require medication to treat the condition.

Almost similar yet subtly different. Anxiety and overthinking are neither
healthy nor helpful. The anxious brain is not an easy entity to deal with. It’s
hypervigilant and always on alert for anything that might be perceived as
dangerous or a threat. The fight or flight response is the body’s primal
mechanism for protecting itself against danger. It is what the earliest humans
used to help them survive and thrive when the living conditions were a lot
more dangerous than what they are today. This response is also referred to as
acute stress response, and it shares the same reactions or feelings, such as
shaking anxiety and fear that occurs when our body is preparing for a
possible emergency. The term fight or flight first started going around
sometime in the 1920s as the first part of involuntary general adaptation
syndrome.
Our fight-or-flight response is a reaction to stress, and this is a reaction that
most likely evolved out of the survival needs from our early ancestors who
lived in dangerous times. For example, prehistoric cavemen were in constant
danger of animals. One minute they might be lighting a fire, and the next
minute, there’s a stampede coming their way, and they need to evacuate as
soon as possible. The human body’s natural survival design then kicks in and
we have a full surge of energy and strength to quickly respond to the threat
by removing ourselves from danger and increasing our chances of
survival. Numerous physiological changes have been identified by
researchers that happen when the flight-or-fight response takes place. It is
believed that these changes are triggered by the sympathetic nervous system
that is released through stress hormones into our bodies. When this happens,
it causes a quick and instant physical reaction in preparation of the muscular
activity that is required to fight or flee the danger. However, the body is not
meant to remain in this state of alertness for long. All that cortisol pumping
through your body will eventually take its toll on your mental, physical and
emotional health.

The anxious brain is prone to overthinking too, which only seems to make
things worse. Besides the racing stream of negative thoughts that seem to
flood your mind at every possible opportunity, anxiety triggers overthinking
by:

Triggering your fear of having a panic attack in public.

Aggravating your worries about anything that can go wrong and
will go wrong.
Distress over the things we said, didn’t say, should have said, or
wished we had said.
Worries about how we measure up or whether we’re doing enough
to live up to expectations. The fear of being perceived negatively
can cause tremendous worry, and our thoughts could easily swing
out of control.
When anxiety is thrown into the mix, our brains are churning out an endless
stream of worried thoughts that never seem to end. Day and night, and even
when we’re trying to go to sleep at night, these thoughts won’t leave us
alone. We never seem to have a moment’s rest, and we can’t remember what
it was like to feel relaxed anymore. Since these thoughts seem to be relentless
and go on for a prolonged period, we eventually run the risk of believing
what the mind is trying to tell us. That’s dangerous territory to venture into.
After all, if your thoughts have the power to shape your reality, then
everything you allow yourself to believe is going to manifest one way or
another. The good news is, neither of these conditions needs to be part of our
permanent existence for long.

Overthinking’s Destructive Drawbacks

Despite the bad rep that it has, stress is not always a bad thing. When tapped
into the right way, stress can be immensely helpful for that extra burst of
energy and focus; you need to get things done. When you’re racing to meet
the deadline of a project or assignment, for example. Or when you’re playing
competitive sports or speaking in public. The adrenalin you feel keeps you
focused, alert, and attentive to what is going on. However, when stress is
continuous, the kind that a lot of us feel day in and day out, this type of
chronic stress begins to change the structure of your brain.

Overthinking leads to chronic stress, and the persistent stress you feel could
end up changing the size and structure of your brain. Stress begins with what
is called the hypothalamus pituitary adrenal (HPA) axis, which is a series of
interactions between the endocrine gland in the brain and the kidney. The
kidney is the organ responsible for controlling how your body reacts to the
stress it feels. The minute your brain detects a stressful situation, the HPA
axis is immediately activated. The cortisol hormone is released into the
bloodstream, which then works to prime your body to react instantly to the
perceived danger. High levels of cortisol over prolonged periods can cause
significant problems for your brain. Chronic stress, for example, increases the
level of activity and number of neural connections in an area of the brain
called the amygdala, which happens to be where the fear center is located in
your brain.

Image Source: Strong Medicine

As the levels of cortisol in your body rise, it sends signals to another area of
the brain called the hippocampus. This part of the brain is associated with
memories, learning, and stress control. When plagued by too much stress, this
area of the brain begins to deteriorate, and when that happens, the activity in
your HPA axis is inhibited. Once it weakens, your ability to control stress
starts to weaken alongside it, making it easier for negative thoughts to take
control of your mind when you’re overthinking. Cortisol can quite literally
cause your brain to shrink, and too much of it will cause the synaptic
connections between the neurons to lose their connection. Your prefrontal
cortex is also affected by all this. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain
that regulates certain behaviors like concentration, judgment, decision-
making and social interaction. Once this area of the brain begins to shrink
too, it results in fewer brain cells being made in the hippocampus region. This
means chronic stress is going to make it harder for you to remember and
learn things while setting the stage for more major mental health problems
like depression or Alzheimer’s disease when you’re older.

The negative effects of stress could even be felt as far as your brain’s DNA.
An experiment involving rats showed that the amount of nurturing the
newborn rats received from their mother has a role to play in determining
how that baby responds to stress later in life. Baby rats with more nurturing
mothers were less sensitive to stress because the brain had a chance to
develop more cortisol receptors as a result of their mother’s nurturing. The
babies with more negligent rat mothers, however, grew to become more
sensitive to stress as they matured. These are called Epigenetic Changes, and
they affect which genes are expressed without altering the genetic code. In
the experiment, the changes could be reversed in the babies if the rat mothers
were swapped out. However, there was an interesting result that researchers
took note of in the experiment. Epigenetic changes that were caused by a
single mother rat were passed down to several other rat generations after her.
The results of her actions were inheritable.

Clearly, overthinking has some pretty destructive drawbacks where your

brain is concerned. Far more alarming than the fact that you’re dealing with
bad thoughts that are making you unhappy. The fact that your brain’s very
structure is changing for the worse means something serious needs to be done
to tackle the overthinking habit. Still, it’s not all bad news since there are
many ways to reverse what cortisol does to your stressed-out brain. It is
possible to take control of your stress and overthinking habit before it takes
control of you.

Aside from the stress brought on by anxiety, overthinking has some other
destructive drawbacks that create even more reasons why we need to ditch
this habit as soon as we can. Negative habits are never productive, and
overthinking could be holding you back from more than you realize. Among
the negative side effects of prolonging this bad habit include the following:

Frequent Headaches - Headaches and migraines are a common

symptom among those who struggle with excessive thoughts that
also happen to trigger their anxiety. The tension and the pressure
brought on by staying in a period of prolonged negativity is like
putting a tight rubber band around your head, constricting it. This
can cause a lot of pressure and discomfort, and you might feel like
your head is about to explode at times when you’re so
overwhelmed by your thoughts.

Unrealistic Perfectionism - Overthinkers worry so much about

everything that could go wrong, and they overcompensate by
trying to control nearly everything around them to the point of
perfectionism. While perfectionism may sound like a good thing, it
isn’t because it is simply not possible to be perfect all the time.
Since overthinking is rooted in fear and a lack of control (like
anxiety is), overthinkers will try to force the situation or outcome
when they feel like they have a lack of control. When they fail to
gain the control they want, it only makes the negative emotions
they’re already feeling seem much worse. Trying to be perfect and
trying to give the appearance that you have it all together will only
increase your stress levels.

Attempted Multitasking - Again, this is not a good thing. We’ve

been conditioned to believe that multitasking means we're
efficient, that the ability to juggle multiple things at once means
you’re in control and have it all together. Unfortunately, nothing
could be further from the truth. Multitasking is not a sign of
productivity at all, and in doing so, you’re creating even more
ways for your brain to be overwhelmed with stress. Overthinkers
sometimes seem like the busiest people in the world, always taking
on a million things and running from one task to the next. If they
look frazzled, stressed and overwhelmed, it’s because they are.
Multitasking and being frantically busy is not going to appease
your overworked mind. In fact, you could probably make it a lot
worse. When you’re not focused enough on a task, doubts start
gnawing at the corners of your mind and you begin obsessing
about whether you’ve done a good enough job or whether you
missed something important.

Procrastination - All that worry and indecisiveness that stems

from overthinking could lead to another side effect we might not
see coming. Procrastination. Since you find it hard to decide on a
course of action to take, you end up putting things off or finding
excuses to avoid the things you know you should be doing. On
some level, you want to get it done, yet you can’t seem to get
yourself to start. Procrastination is linked to anxiety too, and with
so much to think about and the worry about the many things that
could go wrong, we end up not starting anything at all.

Unfinished Business - On the other end of procrastination lies

unfinished business. Maybe you have no problems starting
something, but then you struggle to see the task through to the end.
Overthinking gets in the way the further you progress, and as you
keep going, more and more possible “what if” situations start to
come up, and your mind starts to focus on everything that could go
wrong. You could be great at starting things, but as soon as you
reach a certain point, you abandon the tasks completely. It’s not
because you don’t feel like doing it or you don’t want to do it, but
it has more to do with being so caught up in your thoughts that the
fear of messing up paralyzes you. You want to do it, but you just
can’t. If you find that you have a lot of unfinished business,
unfinished projects, and unfinished tasks that feel like they’re
hanging over your head, it could be a side effect of overthinking.

Social Withdrawal - Overthinkers who worry too much about

making the wrong impression or what others think about them
could eventually find themselves withdrawing from social
situations altogether. This side effect has close links with Social
Anxiety Disorder whereby the fear of social situations is enough to
make them take a step back. This doesn’t necessarily mean that
they don’t want to be part of the social situation. Perhaps they do,
but the very thought of being put in a situation where they could
potentially embarrass or humiliate themselves is enough to make
them avoid it. They end up isolated and spending a lot of time
alone with nothing but their negative thoughts as their only
companion, which, of course, is not a good thing. Sometimes,
overthinkers are not withdrawing socially out of choice, but out of
anxiety instead.

Easily Irritable - Being in a stressed-out state all the time will

leave anyone feeling on edge, and this happens a lot with
overthinkers. They become easily irritable, snapping at the
slightest provocation because they’re already a big bundle of tense
nerves, to begin with. If you find yourself easily irritable, angry, or
emotional at the drop of a hat, the chances are you’re
overwhelmed by your emotions and probably feeling anxious
thanks to all the excessive thinking you’ve been engaging in for a
while now. Disproportionate or unhelpful emotional reasons are a
common sign of overthinking and its equally negative influential
partner, anxiety.

Hyper-Vigilance - Being diligent, prepared, and careful is one

thing. Being hyper-vigilant is something else altogether. Being
overly vigilant, overly nervous, and overly careful to the point you
need to check things several times, being over prepared for certain
situations for the simplest of tasks is not a very productive habit.
Certainly not something you would normally do unless, of course,
you’re overthinking it. It’s not possible to plan for every single
thing that could or may happen, and trying to do so is only going
to create even more unnecessary stress and chronic worry that you
don’t need. If you find yourself paralyzed by indecision even in
the early stages of the planning, you’re overthinking and it needs
to stop.

Struggling with Loneliness - Being alone makes an overthinker’s

brain go into overdrive because there’s nothing else distracting
them from their harmful thoughts. Overthinkers become
uncomfortable and nervous when they find themselves alone, and
with nothing to distract them or keep them occupied, they become
even more anxious the longer they entertain the thoughts that go
on in their minds.

Need for Reassurance - Overthinkers and anxiety sufferers don’t

seek out praise and recognition. They seek out reassurance to the
 point they’re obsessed with it. They constantly seek validation and
approval, wondering if what they did was good enough. Did I do
this, okay? Was this good? Did I mess up? Did I say or do
something that might have offended someone? Was it okay to do
that? Was it okay to say that? Overthinkers are always double-
checking and wondering, seeking reassurance that they’re okay.
They get stuck in their heads over it, unable to move onto the next
task until they get the recognition they need to feel better about
themselves.

If you’re experiencing any or many of these signs, there’s no doubt you’re an

overthinker.
 Chapter 109: Good Habit Formation

Who do you want to be? What do you want to do with your life?

Those are the two fundamental questions you need to answer as you start to
form the basis of good habits. It’s no secret that humans are creatures of
habit. Research shows that about 40-50% of our daily behavior is based on
habit. That’s a big percentage. That means nearly half of everything you do
each day is a habit. For example, if you wake up at the same time each day,
that’s a habit. Brushing your teeth in the morning when you wake up and at
the end of the day before going to bed, that’s a habit. Coming home from
work each day and spending an hour on the couch unwinding with a snack
and your favorite Netflix show, that’s a habit. Spending 10-minutes a day
meditating, that’s a habit too. Driving a car, checking our phones several
times a day, responding to emails, grabbing a cup of coffee from your regular
barista on the way to work, the list of habits could stretch forever.

By definition, habits are automated behaviors that we repeatedly carry out

and always within the same context or environment. We’re so used to going
through the motions that these habits run in our subconscious mind. This
means even though you might not be consciously aware of what you’re doing
it anymore, it doesn’t matter because you’ve done it so many times that you
don’t have to pay attention to the behavior anymore. There are bad habits,
and there are good ones. Overthinking is one example of a bad habit that
you’re trying to break out of right now. When our thoughts run on autopilot
through the subconscious mind, that’s when we tend to engage in
overthinking. Our minds are wandering, we’re thinking about the past, what’s
going to happen a few hours from now, what’s going to happen next week
perhaps. You may be going through all the right steps of your habit, but
you’re not really “present.”

Let’s go back to the example of driving a car. Have you ever experienced
those moments when you’re driving the way you always do, but once you get
to your destination and switch your mind back to the present, you can’t really
recall how you got there? Driving and following the commands of the GPS
have become so habitual you don’t think about what you’re doing at all. The
habits we perform are usually triggered by a cue in an environment you’re
always in. Brushing your teeth, for example, is a habit that gets triggered the
moment you get out of bed in the morning and make your way to the
bathroom. At night, it’s triggered by the knowledge that you’re going to bed,
and this is what needs to happen before you do. A habit becomes easier to
stick to when there’s a reward at the end. When you spend 30-minutes a day
on the treadmill, you’re motived by the fresh fruit smoothie that’s waiting for
you at the end of your workout session. Or when you’re hard at work all day
and look forward to coming back home, knowing that you’ll be rewarded by
the comfy pajamas you get to put on as you flick through your latest Netflix
selection.

It doesn’t matter what the reward waiting at the end of the habit is as long as
dopamine is present. When dopamine is released in the brain, you feel good,
and that feeling makes you want to stick to that habit. When the brain gets hit
with dopamine, it thinks, “I like this, this feels good,” and it wants to keep
doing it again. Your mobile phones are the easiest example to illustrate this
point. Every time your phone beeps or lights up with a new notification, you
get a small hit of dopamine in the brain. Social media companies have
cleverly made their platforms so addictive, so it keeps you coming back for
more. It feels good to get those notifications coming in. it feels good to see
other people reacting and commenting on the content you’ve shared. Most of
us couldn’t last a day without our mobile phones on our side. These devices
have become so habitual to spend a day without it would feel as though we
were missing a limb. It just wouldn’t feel complete.

In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg talks about an interesting
concept called “The Habit Loop.”
Image Source: Medium.com

The cue triggers the routine, the routine triggers the reward, and the reward
triggers the cue. Because the brain likes the reward that it gets, it keeps
repeating the same behavior when the cue comes up just to feel that burst of
pleasure again. That’s essentially what the habit loop is, and we repeat these
behaviors many times on several occasions. The question is, how do we
effectively break the bad habits and start replacing them with better ones
instead?

The human brain is complex. When you repeat a certain behavior for a
prolonged period, a set of neurons in your brain start connecting together. In
the beginning, this connection is weak since the habit is still new. After
several weeks of repeating the same behavior, the connections begin to get
thicker and stronger. This is probably around the time when you find you’re
not struggling as much as you were, in the beginning, to carry out this new
habit. The more you repeat this new behavior, the stronger the connections
become. Going back to the example of exercise. Yes, it feels like a massive
struggle in the beginning. You’ve probably had to literally drag yourself to
the gym or force yourself to go through a workout. It feels hard; it feels
unfamiliar; it even feels almost painful to be wrestling against yourself like
this. But after several weeks and months of repeatedly exercising three or
four times a week, it doesn’t feel so hard anymore. You begin to look
forward to going to the gym and getting a good workout in for the day. After
several months or a year of doing this, it starts to feel strange, not exercising
because you’ve become so used to it.

The brain is an energy consumer. It needs to be fed with the right kind of
energy to be efficient. It processes a lot of info each day from the stimuli
we’re exposed to, and to make its function as efficient as possible, the brain
needs to choose the most important behaviors that cost the least amount of
energy. The thicker the neuron connections in your brain are, the less energy
it needs to carry out a behavior. In the exercise example, it starts to feel easier
after several months because your brain recognizes this as an important
activity to you, given that you made an effort to stick to it and see it through.
It doesn’t need to invest quite as much energy as it did in the beginning to
ensure this habit sticks. The brain has almost 100 billion neurons, each
connected by trillions of connections. It is complex, but despite the
complexity, if you repeat a behavior often enough that it becomes a habit,
your brain starts recognizing this as important behavior, and you’ll be met
with a lot less resistance.

The repeated behaviors you go through daily, no matter what they may be, is
training your brain to decide what’s important. It doesn’t matter if the
behavior is good or bad for you, or even if it’s necessary, whenever repetition
and dopamine are present, the brain will decide that the habit you’re carrying
out is important enough to stick around.

Why Good Habits Help

Psychologist William James once famously said: Make an ally out of your
nervous system instead of making it an enemy. Nearly all good habits will
start off difficult in the beginning if you’re not used to it. Regardless of
whether it’s good for you or not, your mind and body will probably reject it
in the initial stages because it feels unfamiliar. In the beginning, you might
think, “I really hate this. I don’t want to do this anymore,” but if you persist,
after a while, that becomes “This isn’t so bad. I can do this again today”.
The brain cannot differentiate what’s good for you and what’s bad. It is up to
us to make that decision, and this means we need to start actively building
and reinforcing good habits that cancel out or replace the bad.

With all good habits, take small steps. Make tiny changes in the beginning if
you need to. That tiny change will turn into a bigger change. Real change is
always going to take time; this includes breaking away from the habit of
overthinking. What you need to be is consistent and patient. These two
keywords are going to be your secrets to succeeding at this new habit
formation. Your habits play a big part in who you are today. You need to
cultivate good habits, the ones that lead you one step closer to your goal and
one step closer to the person you want to be. Changing your habits could
completely change the course of your life.

Greek philosopher Aristotle left us with a few wise words: “We are what we
repeatedly do. Therefore, excellence is not an act. It’s a habit.” Chinese
philosopher had some wise words about habits too when he said: “Men’s
natures are alike. What separates them is their habits.” The people who live
the most fulfilling lives know what matters to them. They know what’s
important, and they prioritize that above everything else, including trying to
please others and live up to someone else’s expectations. They live happy
lives because they’ve crafted their life around what matters to them, thereby
ensuring that their priorities are always at the center of everything they do.
They have made it their purpose in life to live in a way where they can
develop into the best version of themselves. How do we emulate what they
do?

By crafting our lives around good habits. A good habit routine is one of the
most powerful tools you can access to live a meaningful life. Routines help to
bridge the gap between strategy and action, turning your goals into reality.
Routines and good habits offer several benefits, including constraining our
choices, so the number of choices we see at any given time is limited. Which
is great news for what you’re attempting to do right now as you work on
trying to get rid of your overthinking habit. Constrained choices help keep
you progressing on the right path, leading to the second benefit they offer:
Enable action. Good habits and a routine give us the momentum we need to
keep moving forward. When you know where you’re heading and what
you’re doing, things start to make sense, and that diminishes the likelihood of
overthinking based on uncertainty and fear. Good habits and routines give
your life meaning and a purpose. It gives you stability, which is something
overthinkers are in dire need of to help quiet that noisy mind.

Good habits matter because most people find it difficult to sustain

motivation. When good habits are present, you don’t need to rely on
motivation as much when you’re so accustomed to carrying out the behavior
anyway. Going back once again to the example of exercising. Those who
have made exercising a regular habit no longer need to force themselves to
find the motivation and the willpower to get to the gym or do a quick
workout from wherever they are. They simply do it. Compare that to
someone who is just getting started trying to incorporate regular exercise into
their routine. The struggle is very real, and they often find themselves in a
battle of wills between forcing themselves to workout and wanting to skip it
altogether. Good habits make the difficult parts feel easier, and that’s one of
the many reasons why they matter. If you cultivated the good habit of
thinking positive and training your mind to focus on the positives, it’s easier
to start cutting back on the excessive thoughts that run rampant in your mind.

You can train your mind to do anything, even the things that initially feel
impossible. You can train your mind to wake up early. You can train yourself
to go on that six-mile hike. You can train your mind to keep the negativity at
bay. The initial stages of starting a good habit are the most important. You
can’t rely on motivation alone to get you through the tough first few weeks
since motivation comes and goes. If a habit is fun, it’s easier to stick to, but if
it’s a challenging habit like trying to shift your thinking from negative to
positive, that’s significantly harder to do.

Motivating Yourself to Change Your Habits

Everyone has some behavior that they would like to change about
themselves. In this case, overthinking. Maybe someone you love is struggling
with negative thoughts and overthinking, and you’d like to help them
overcome it. So what do we need to get us to change our behavior? When
you look at health campaigns that come with bold warning labels like
Smoking Kills, Motorists Beware!, Don’t Be Ignorant! Drinking Is Not a
Joke, what do these campaign taglines have in common? They’re all trying to
scare you into changing your behavior. Warning messages are a common
theme in policies too. Why do they employ this tactic? It’s because there is a
belief that if you “threaten” people enough and play on their fears, they’ll be
motivated to act in the way that you want them to. It seems like a logical
strategy, but if you're honest with yourself, do you heed the warnings that you
see? Probably not. They probably have very little impact on you, and you
forget about them as soon as you walk past those campaign posters. If the
graphic images on smoke packets are not enough to deter smokers from
smoking anyway, that’s saying something about this attempted scare tactic.
It’s not effective enough.

Why do warnings have such little impact? Let’s look at this from another
perspective. When you induce fear in someone, two things are going to
happen. They’re either going to flee, or they’re going to fight (the fight or
flight response). Another response that gets triggered in the face of fear is that
the person freezes. When we’re confronted with something that we fear, our
body and mind can shut down to limit the impact of the negative emotions
that are generated. That’s why some people are frozen in fear, rooted on the
spot, unable to run or fight. Do we change our habits in the face of fear? No,
we don’t. That’s probably the last thing on our minds at the time. Any
negative emotion makes us feel bad so we try to avoid it altogether rather
than face it head-on. In the many facets of our lives, there are warning signs
that indicate the presence of bad behavior.

People tend to change their beliefs if they know they are moving toward a
more desirable option. The human mind is a fickle thing too. We tend to
easily take in information that we want to hear and struggle to accept the
news that we don’t want to hear. It doesn’t matter what age group you belong
to either. Whether you’re in your 20s, 30,s 40s, 50s, 60s and all the way up to
as many years as you want to include in there, people will always easily take
in the information they want to hear and reject the bad news they don’t want
to deal with. Therefore, instead of focusing or emphasizing the warnings
about all the bad stuff that could happen in the future, you need to focus on
the principles that will drive your mind and your behavior toward positive
change. Let’s make a list of what these principles are:
Principle #1: Staying Positive
Overthinking and negative thoughts can leave you feeling at your lowest,
more often than you should. Positive thinking is not the right way of
thinking; it is a useful way of thinking. In this case, it’s going to be used to
help you overcome your overthinking. The Glass Half Empty or Half Full
scenario is a classic example of what it means to have a positive mindset.
You’re not wrong by thinking of the glass as half full, but if you look at the
glass as half empty and that makes you miserable, that’s a negative thought
that is working against you.

Positive thinking is about cultivating thoughts that make you feel better and
happier about yourself. Going back to the dopamine example and how your
brain craves for what makes it feel good. It’s not enough to say I want to be a
positive thinker. If you don’t understand why you need to become a positive
thinker, it won’t be long before you go ricocheting back to your old ways.
But if you have a concrete reason why you need to cultivate this habit, there’s
a firm foundation for you to latch on to.

Why do you need to become a positive thinker? Because you deserve to be

happy. Why do you need to encourage positive thoughts? Because they
remind you that you can do anything you set your mind to. Why does
positivity matter? Because it allows you to see the situations you’re faced
within a new light. What’s your reason why?

Principle #2: Doing Your Best

No matter what you take on in life, if you always make it a point to give it
your best, you will always get much better results. That’s a promise you can
hold on to. Giving 100% in all that you do will eventually lead to greater
things in life, even if you fail several times along the way. When you fall
down, the only way you stay down is if you don’t make an effort to stand up
again. The ones who go above and beyond are the ones who almost always
become successful. Those who work hard, study hard, and train hard will
always get more out of their life than those who take it easy, and that’s the
motivation you need to start making “do your best” a habit you carry with
you all day and every day.

Do your best, and give it all that you got. That way, if it still doesn’t work
out, at least you can take pride in knowing that you tried. Even in failure, you
still reap the benefits in the form of life lessons that you can take with you to
the next challenge so that when you try again, this time, you get one step
further than you did the last time. Overthinking will make you doubt yourself
and try to squash you down, but you need to push back against that. When it
feels hard to give it your best effort, that’s when you need to push even
harder. The pain will always be temporary, but the results will live with you
forever.

Principle #3: Learning to Be Aware and Knowing What You Want

Decision-making is the force that will shape your destiny. But before you can
reach the point of making decisions without overthinking, you need to be
aware and know what you want out of life. Every decision you have made
has led you to this moment where you are now. If you had made a different
decision back, then your life might have turned out completely different.

When you know what you want out of life, making decisions becomes easier.
When you’re aware of where you are in life and where you want to be, the
right decisions become that much clearer. That sense of purpose and a goal
lifts the cloud of uncertainty that overthinking causes because you can say, “I
know what I want, and this is what I need to do.” It’s like driving a car. You
rarely ever start driving without a specific destination in mind. In this case,
your destination is to overcome your excessive thoughts. Where are you right
now? Still struggling to overcome your excessive thoughts. How do you get
from where you are now to where you want to be? By forming good habits
and using all the strategies, you’ll learn as you progress through the rest of
this book.

Principle #4: Ensuring You’re In the Right State of Mind

Think about all the most challenging and difficult times in your life. Back
then, you probably thought of these as your most “unfortunate” moments.
Yet, now, if you traced back the ripple effects that came out of those
moments, a lot of these moments turn out to be the best thing that could have
happened to you at the time. These moments gave you your greatest strength
and growth. So perhaps we shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss challenges as
negative moments from now on.

Ensuring you’re in the right state of mind means thinking with clarity, away
from the noise and the distractions your overthinking tendencies try to plow
you with. Being in the right state of mind and thinking clearly allows you to
see that most of the time, emotional reactions are unnecessary. That a lot of
your worry could easily be handled if you thought with a clear head. To
change your habits, start training your mind to see these challenges as
opportunities. See them as a chance to grow, to increase your resilience, to
test what you’re capable of and how far you can go. See every challenge you
have as an opportunity, and your entire perspective will shift.

Principle #5: Quitting Perfectionism

Novelist and writer Anne Lamott eloquently put it when she said:
Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, and it is the enemy of people.
Now, perfectionism is not all bad, but if you’re an over thinker, this is one
habit you need to rid yourself of because of the constant pressure you face to
meet unrealistic standards. Tasks seem a lot more monumental when
perfectionism is a factor, and what you get in return is stress and anxiety from
overthinking every little detail.

This habit becomes easier to break once you come to terms with the fact that
you’re not perfect, and neither is anyone else. This statement might be hard
to accept at first, especially when the internet constantly presents us with
ideals of perfectionism. People who show off their success on social media
are proud to show you the finished product, but they never show you the
hours of hard work and failed attempts that went into the process before they
reached that point. Success is never possible without mistakes along the way,
and that’s a fact you can hold true to as you work on freeing yourself from
the pressure to be perfect.

Principle #6: Creating A To-Do List

Creating a to-do list reminds you that you’re capable of getting a lot done in a
day, which is a problem overthinkers struggle with. They invest a lot of time
in fretting and worrying about how to get things done or what they should get
started. Every task feels urgent when there’s no structure to it, and that’s
where to-do lists come in handy. When you look at your to-do list and see all
the tasks you’ve crossed off for the day, there’s a sense of accomplishment
that comes from it. You were probably so busy during the day that you don’t
pay attention to how much you’re actually getting done until you look back at
your list and say, “Wow! I did all that!”.

A to-do list gives you a sense of direction and gives your day a purpose.
When you’ve got a list on hand, you know exactly what must be done. Even
better if you allocate time blocks next to the tasks you’ve written on your list.
It tells your overthinking brain, “Okay, I need to get this done within an
hour,” and that self-imposed deadline pushes you to forget everything else
for a while to focus on what needs to get done. Distractions are another
common problem faced by overthinkers, and it’s easy to get distracted when
you’ve got nothing to guide you. Your to-do list then becomes your daily
guiding compass, and once you make it a habit to stick to the lists you create,
your confidence increases along with your efficiency. This also happens to be
great for cultivating the positive mindset you need because of the sense of
accomplishment that goes along with each completed task.
Principle #7: Social Incentives
We’re social creatures by nature, and we care about what other people are
doing. In some instances, you might want to do the same thing they do, but
you want to do it better. The opinions of others are strong enough to make
you conform or submit to peer pressure because you want to fit in, and you
want to be accepted. The fear of social rejection sends a shockwave through
your brain that is strong enough to kick start its overthinking drive. In
overcoming excessive thoughts, this principle could be used to your
advantage.

Highlighting what other people are doing can act as a strong social incentive
to create new good habits. For example, if you knew that 9 out of 10 people
in your office were thinking positive, which group would you want to be in?
Naturally, you’ll want to be part of the group of 9. No one wants to feel
singled out, and that incentive could be the push you need to start adopting
positive thought habits. Who do you know within your immediate social
circle that is practicing great habits you admire? Maybe they always see the
bright side even though they’ve gone through some of the toughest situations
you know. Maybe they’ve always got a smile on their faces even on the
hardest days when everything feels like a struggle. Maybe you’re in awe of
how they manage to stay so calm under stressful situations that would cause
your brain to go into overdrive. Whoever they may be, what they should be is
your role model. Create that desire within you to want to be like them.

Principle #8: Instant Gratification

Immediate rewards are satisfying. Indulging in your bad habits feels good;
that’s why you want to keep doing them. The “reward” or effect that you see
from these bad habits is almost instantaneous at times, which makes it the
more appealing option. We place more value rewards that we can get now as
opposed to rewards that you might get in the future. The future is so far away,
after all, who has the patience to wait that long? The overthinking “here-and-
now” version of yourself would rather choose tangible results they can enjoy
right away instead of waiting for the uncertainty you’re bound to face in the
future if you waited.

You could now use this approach to your advantage when you’re trying to get
yourself to adopt more positive mental habits. Creating little rewards to look
forward to will make it more likely that you’re going to stick to this new
habit of yours. Associating positive thinking with a reward you look forward
to will make it less likely you’re going to allow negative thinking to run
rampant in your mind any longer.

Principle #9: Monitoring Your Progress

You need to be held accountable for your actions. The problem is we don’t
do this often enough, that’s why we let a lot of negative habits slide under the
radar. This includes the tendency to overthink nearly everything. But if you
held yourself responsible for all the times overthinking landed you in trouble,
you’d be motivated enough to start tracking your progress. With challenge
comes the best kind of change, but you won’t know which areas you’re
struggling in unless you identify what they are.

Tracking how well you’re doing might sound like a tedious task, but it is one
of the most effective ways to highlight your progress rather than your decline.
Tracking your progress also enables you to see which areas hold even more
opportunities for better change to take place. After all, if you want to live the
best version of yourself, you need to know how well you’re doing so you
understand what areas need to be fixed. Moreover, keeping tabs on your
progress gives you one extra benefit that all overthinkers crave. It gives you a
sense of control. When you’re in charge of your progress or decline, which
way do you want to see yourself swinging?
 Chapter 110: The Extraordinary Power of
Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a way of connecting with your life. It requires that you

cultivate your attention in a certain way so that you’re paying attention on
purpose in the present in a non-judgmental way. Instead of going through the
motions on autopilot like what you normally would, especially in your habits
and routine, you’ve become so accustomed to; you’re intentionally paying
attention to everything that is happening while you perform certain actions.
Through this focus, you feel every emotion, every sensation, and every
thought that happens at that moment.

Attention is the element that allows us to navigate our lives in one way or
another and to know what is happening while it is happening. When you’re
paying attention, you’re not at the mercy of your thoughts or emotions. This
means the likelihood of an emotional outburst, for example, is significantly
minimized when you begin actively practicing mindfulness and making it a
part of who you are. It doesn’t matter what you’re paying attention to; it is
the act of paying attention that matters most. Overthinking happens because
your thoughts are not within your control, and when you start paying
attention, that’s when you notice your mind is all over the place. That’s when
you experience that lightbulb moment of “Ah, so this is why I’m
overthinking!”. The mind is restless and never sits still. It’s always got
several ideas or opinions all jumbled together in that space up there. We
spend so much time planning or worrying about the future and an equal
amount of time (sometimes more) reminiscing about the past too.

The present moment is the only time that matters. This is the time when
we’re alive and living, and the only time where the most learning we
experience takes place. This is the moment we express the love we feel, the
thoughts we have, the passion we want to share. The present is the only time
we can be connected to our mind and our body to make every experience we
encounter that much richer. Taste, sight, smell, touch, sound, every sensation
is heightened the minute you start paying attention and connecting to it. This
is something that can only be achieved through mindfulness. The present is
precious, yet it gets completely squeezed out by all the overthinking and
worrying that takes place. We’re so preoccupied with the past or the future
we completely forget about what’s going on around us. Mindfulness helps
you reclaim your life by simply encouraging you to pay attention.

There are several ways to cultivate mindfulness, but mindfulness in itself is

not a technique. It is a way of being. It is a way of being embodied, a way of
being in equilibrium with the coming and goings of your external
environment. We have this capacity for awareness, so why not develop it if
it’s going to help put a stop to overthinking? Thinking can be a wonderful
thing. It is very powerful, and some of the greatest achievements in humanity
have been the result of thought and imagination. Mindfulness and awareness
are equally as powerful as thought, and we have the capacity for this too.

We’re capable of doing both, but the trouble is, we’re not taught from a
young age to give attention to awareness. Because we get no training in
awareness and learning how to pay attention, a lot of the time, we struggle
with the thoughts we have. Hence, overthinking. By the time we crawl into
bed at the end of a long day, we can’t deal with the thoughts we have in a
healthy manner. This explains why overthinking tends to keep you up and
night. You’re tossing and turning, unable to process everything that’s going
on in your mind because you weren’t equipped with the skills to do so.
Instead, these thoughts perseverate repeatedly in our minds. You want to shut
them out, but the more you try to do it, the more they seem to flood your
mind and before you know it, you wind up with chronic anxiety or depressive
rumination which can quickly spiral and lead to depression. The sadness and
stress you feel might then trigger even more perseverating and there seems to
be no end to the vicious cycle you’re trapped in. What’s wrong with me? Why
is my life like this? Why don’t people like me? Why doesn’t he ask me out?
Why won’t she look at me? I’m no good; I’m too old, I’m not strong enough,
this is too hard. These are examples of what happens when we don’t practice
awareness of our thoughts. They start to overpower us and feel stronger than
we are.

Yet, these are only thoughts, but the trouble is, most of the time we think of
them as the truth. What mindfulness does in a way is to encourage you to
embrace the actuality of the mind, body, and soul and the relationship we
have with our external world. This gives us a new degree of freedom to
navigate the ups and downs of the relationships you have with life, other
people, and our fears. We believe that so much of our negative thoughts are
true. We wind up in a very narrow tunnel of what we’re capable of.
Image Source: Scientific American article

What Is Mindfulness Meditation

You’re familiar with meditation, but what you’re going to learn here is how
to overcome your excessive thoughts is mindfulness meditation. This form of
meditation encourages us to remain aware and present by focusing on nothing
except awareness of your existing surroundings. Meditation is actually an
ancient technique that trains the brain to strengthen its powers of
concentration. Sort of like a gym workout, except for your brain this time.
Some archeologists believe that meditation could be as old as 5,000 years,
although scientists only really began studying the brains of those who
meditated regularly approximately 60 or so years ago. Still, the fact that this
practice has managed to survive for this long means there’s something
extraordinarily powerful and effective about it.

What researchers have discovered throughout their studies is that meditation

changes the structure of your brain, thereby making it a lot more powerful.
Long-term meditators have been known to develop almost superhuman-like
abilities. For example, their ability to stay calm even in the most stressful
situations that would have non-meditators at their wit’s end. They could also
produce more creative and original ideas, not to mention the better memory
they had compared to those who didn’t meditate regularly. One experiment
revealed how meditating monks were able to dry icy wet sheets in cold
temperatures by raising and controlling their body temperature through the
power of meditation.

To understand the way meditation affects us, we need to look at the recent
discoveries about how the human brain operates. In the last 10 years alone,
what scientists have come to discover is that each time we learn, feel or think
something, a new connection appears in the brain. What we repeat the most,
like habits, make these connections increase in strength. Simultaneously, the
connections that we don’t use grow weaker over time until they finally
disappear from the mind altogether. This is why habits are automatic and
require very little thought to carry them out. For instance, the way you
practice brushing your teeth each day makes the task seem a lot more
effortless than trying something new like going for a jog in the morning
before work. However, if you were to stop brushing your teeth for a few
days, surprisingly, it will begin to feel like it requires slightly more effort to
execute than it did before.

Some researchers have gone so far as to suggest that we don’t choose our
behavior. Instead, our behavior is programmed by the neural connections in
the brain. The brain is like an iceberg, where the tip of the iceberg (the
smallest part) represents the conscious mind. Here are all the things we can
choose consciously, like eating or solving a complicated math problem. The
larger part of the iceberg, the one that is submerged and hidden below the
surface, is where the unconscious mind resides. The unconscious mind is the
one responsible for most of our behaviors since this also happens to be where
our thoughts and feelings reside. The unconscious mind, therefore, causes
behavior like reacting to arguments in the same way or reacting emotionally
more than once, even when we know it’s the wrong approach to take. This
happens because we’re not aware that we’re being controlled by the
unconscious part of the brain.
Image Source: Marisa Peer

The neural connections in the unconscious part of the mind are strong. This
leads to a lot of people to believe that they “cannot change” the way they
react or act in certain situations. This automatic response is what we call
personality, but in actual fact, they are the unconscious mind, emotions, and
habits that we keep repeating because it’s all we know how to do.

Research has found out that mindfulness meditation can improve focus,
memory as well as reduce fixation on negative emotions and lessen
impulsive, emotional reactions. This can be changed. Everything we know
and learn can always be developed through practice. You can train your brain
to do what you want it to. To initiate the changes you want to see, you need
to first change your brain by creating new connections and then practicing
these connections until they become strong enough to be automatic. The
things that you find hard to do now will become easier with practice.

Think about how you struggled to exercise in the beginning. Or even when
you were a child learning how to read. Those first few attempts felt like an
immense struggle back then, but since you kept practicing and persisting, the
behavior became automatic. Now, you can quickly breeze through a sentence
with ease, and it doesn’t take much persuasion for you to put on your
workout clothes and start working up a sweat. This is where the meditation
practice comes in. It helps us change the structure of the brain by creating
new connections in several areas of the brain.

Overthinking leads to continuous stress, and continuous stress leads to mental

health issues. Depression and anxiety are very clear examples of what can
happen to you if you continue to let your thoughts be the one in control.
Meditation decreases the size of the amygdala; the brains fear center, and
where all our negative thoughts and emotions come from. Meditation also
decreases the levels of cortisol, which leads to an enhanced ability to deal
with stressful situations a lot better. During meditation, you’ll learn the very
crucial skill of learning how to watch your thoughts and emotions without
reacting to them, which is required for mindfulness. With frequent
meditation, there’s a possibility of significantly changing your behavior and
personality.

How to Meditate
Meditation is one of the simplest forms of mental training you can do. All
that is needed is for you to concentrate on your breathing as you allow your
thoughts and feelings to come and go. With continuous practice, your skills
of concentration, awareness, and attention significantly increase. It does
sound easy (and it will be with practice), but in the beginning, you might find
that concentrating on your breath is not as easy as it sounds after all.

Where Should I Meditate?

Technically, meditation can be done anywhere you like since it is an exercise
for the mind. You could meditate while sitting in a chair or on the floor, even
while you’re lying down in bed. However, it is recommended that you avoid
meditating in bed where possible since you might fall asleep and find it
difficult to concentrate.

Sitting down on the floor with your back and spine straight is considered the
optimal and beneficial way to meditate. This position keeps you wide awake
and allows you to sit for a prolonged period while you carry out your
concentration session.

What Do I Do When I Meditate?

What should you do with your body while you meditate? Well, the first thing
to do is to be aware of the way your feet are positioned. Many regular and
seasoned meditators will advise that your feet should be on top of each other.
This is not always necessary, though, and you don’t have to do it if it doesn’t
feel comfortable. Beginners might prefer to have their feet crisscrossed on top
of each other, sort of like a pretzel while your arms are resting on your thighs.
Your hands should be resting on top of each other and form the shape of a
cup. If you want to touch your thumbs together while you do this, it’s
perfectly okay. What matters is that your arms feel relaxed as you keep your
back straight and your head level.

Your head should not be tilted upwards or downwards. Relax and look
forward naturally. As for your eyes, you have the option of meditating with
them open or closed, depending on your preference. Most seasoned
meditators prefer to do it with their eyes closed for greater concentration, but
again do what feels comfortable and what works for you. If you do choose to
meditate with your eyes open, avoid focusing on an object in front of you.
Instead, try to look into the distance.
Image Source: Kwan Um School of Zen
How Long Do I Need to Meditate?
As a beginner, you’ll want to set an alarm before you begin your meditation
session. When you first start meditating, time tends to feel a lot slower
because your body and mind are trying to get used to this new habit. By
setting an alarm, you eliminate the constant need to wonder how much time
you have left or how long you’ve been doing it already. Beginners can aim to
set about 5-minutes on the clock to start with as you acclimatize yourself to
this practice. Once meditation becomes a daily practice and you get used to
sitting in this position, you can gradually increase your time blocks,
meditating for as long as you want. The recommended time for meditation is
approximately 10 to 20 minutes a day.

What Do I Do While I Meditate?

This is the tricky part. There are several forms of meditation that can be
carried out. Certain forms of meditation encourage you to focus on your
breathing (mindfulness) and loving-kindness, while others may involve
chanting a mantra (affirmation). Mindfulness breathing meditation is one of
the most commonly taught forms of meditation, and given that you’re trying
to overcome your overthinking habit, this is the meditation you want to start
with.

Mindfulness meditation is easy to learn, and it is considered just as insightful

and powerful as any other form. With this form of meditation, you want to
start by making sure that you’re breathing through your nose. Once you’ve
established a rhythm, focus all your attention on your breath and observe the
way the air flows in and out of your body. Pay attention to the air flowing in
and out of your nostrils; observe the way your breath makes the transition
from inhale to exhale. Even pay attention to the little pauses that happen
between the moment you inhale and exhale. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize. Just
stay calm and observe; that’s all you need to do.

You’ll quickly notice that thoughts begin to appear in your mind and will try
to distract you from this simple task you’re supposed to be concentrating on.
If you notice your mind wandering, don’t worry. Simply pull your thoughts
back toward your breathing and focus on your breath. This is how you start
training your mindfulness muscle. Many beginners often find it extremely
hard to focus on nothing but the breath, so you’re not alone if you feel this is
a struggle. If this happens, don’t be too hard on yourself or too critical, this is
perfectly normal. All you need to do is bring your attention right back to your
breathing whenever the mind wanders.

How Often Should I Do It?

Ideally, you want to aim to make mindfulness meditation a daily habit. The
more you do it, the easier it will become to focus on nothing but your breath
as your mindfulness muscle grows stronger. Meditating every day gives you
the best chance of seeing the benefits quickly. You could do it once a day,
twice a day, or even three times a day if you have the time. You can do it as
many times a day as you like, but what matters most is that you do it every
day.

How Soon Can I Expect to See the Benefits?

Well, you need to be doing it every day to see the benefits a lot sooner. The
length of time you spend meditating daily will also play a factor in how
quickly you start experiencing the benefits. Ultimately, it is difficult to fix an
exact time frame since the experience is going to differ from one person to
the next. Some people happen to be less mindful in general because of the
lifestyle they lead and the way they grew up, so they might need more time
before they begin seeing any real change. The best thing you can do is to just
keep practicing and don’t compare your journey to someone else’s. It doesn’t
matter how fast or slow the benefits start to happen. What matters is that if
you keep at it, they will happen.

Why You Need to Practice Mindfulness

Overthinking is a distraction, and that is just one of the many reasons why
you need mindfulness to live in the present. As painful as some of the
difficult parts of life is, that’s what living is, and we need to embrace it
wholeheartedly, both good and bad. Mindfulness teaches us that it is still
possible to find happiness even in the darkest times. It’s not always possible
to be mindful 100% of the time, but the following reasons will remind you
why you need to make an effort to live mindfully every day:

It’s the Only Real Time to Live Properly - We spend more time
than we should when we continue living in our heads worrying
about the past or the future. We worry about what we cannot
change and what we have no control over. Mindfulness is the only
tool that is effective enough to get you to break the habit bit by bit.
The past only exists in our memory, and the future is yet to come.
This means that the only real living that takes place is your
present. The here and now.

Your Thoughts Are Less Likely to Sweep You Away - It’s

impossible to get carried away when you know exactly what’s
going on with your thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Instead of
getting swept away by your excessive thoughts this time,
mindfulness will turn you into an observer. Think of your thoughts
like a flowing river. You cannot forcefully stop the water from
flowing. When you enter the river, you will get swept away, so
instead, the better thing to do would be to practice sitting by the
river, watching it flow by. By becoming an observer, your
thoughts and emotions loosen the hold they have over you. You no
longer feel powerless, and like you’re drowning. You become
calm, composed, and this time you’re the one in control. Like the
flowing river, the thoughts won’t stay forever unless you choose to
let them. You’re not trying to fight your thoughts, judge it or
forcefully change it. You’re just there to observe.
It Builds Stronger Relationships - Among the more common
worrying thoughts that tend to plague the mind of an overthinker is
the anxiety they feel about what others think of them. It’s hard to
form great connections when you’re not really listening to what is
being said to you. Sure, you’re there in front of the speaker, but
when you’re preoccupied with your thoughts, you’re not actively
listening, and you miss out on important information that could
have been used to strengthen your relationship. Mindfulness can
change the type of conversations you have with people by
encouraging you to pay attention and be open to their needs. To
put aside everything else for those few minutes and pay attention
to what is being said to you. Once you start actively listening,
conversations seem richer and more meaningful. The other person
begins to engage more when they notice you’re actively paying
attention to them too. It makes them feel like what they have to
say matters, and that, in turn, encourages them to be more open
and share more of their life with you.

It Makes You Aware You Have Everything You Need to Be

Happy - We keep searching for happiness and then getting
frustrated when it’s seemingly hard to attain. Through
mindfulness, however, you realize you already have everything
you need to be happy. You couldn’t see it because you were too
distracted by your thoughts. When you start living in the present,
the realization begins to dawn on you that there is no real need to
hold on to the things that make you unhappy. You don’t need to
hold on to grievances about your past or worry about your future.
Your eyes begin to open to the fact that perhaps a lot of the
problems you have today were created in your mind, and if you
break those problems down bit by bit, there might not be anything
much to worry about after all. Feeling grateful for the life you
have is your biggest defense against negativity. You don’t need to
rely on external or material things to make you happy when you
feel good from within.
 It Reminds You to Take Care of Yourself - You can’t take care
of anyone else if you’re not taking care of yourself first. Self-care
can be a tough lesson for overthinkers since they tend to cross
their boundaries. Their excessive thinking could lead them to push
too hard until they eventually get burned out. Mindfulness makes
you more aware of your strengths and your boundaries. You’re
less likely to push yourself too far when you’re aware of the way
that your mind and your body feel. You begin respecting your
body more, and you slowly lose the urge to keep up with society’s
fast-paced expectations if it is going to make you unhappy doing
it. It’s perfectly okay to do what makes you happy without having
to feel guilty about it.

Embracing Mindfulness
Once you embrace the art of being mindful, you get to see into the nature of
what it is that is causing you worries grief, anger, or any other negative
emotion. Embrace mindfulness because it takes those little moments in life
as they are happening and reminds you to value them before the moment has
passed. Overthinkers know all too well that once a moment has gone, it can
never come back again, and if you don’t cherish the moment when it’s
happening, what you’ll be left with instead is regret. The simple, everyday
moments are the ones that turn out to be your greatest source of joy and
comfort. The moments you spend with your loved ones. The memories you
build with family and friends. The happiness you feel when you’re doing
what you love.

These moments might not seem significant at first glance, but when you look
back at all the moments you took for granted that you wish you hadn’t, that’s
where we are reminded of the true value of mindfulness. When we lose a
loved one, a friendship we cherish, we wish we had valued the moments we
had when we had them. Think about something that you’re grateful for each
day. Something that makes you smile. When you have a reason to smile, you
find fewer reasons to worry.
Overcome Anxiety with Mindfulness
Paying attention to your negative thoughts can sound like a scary idea. After
all, these are the same thoughts that cause so much fear they make you
anxious. The last thing you want to do is to be focused on them. But you need
to, and the reason why is mindfulness will help you overcome the anxiety
brought on by excessive thoughts. Mindfulness is not a new thing. Like
meditation, it’s been around for a while, but only recently it’s becoming more
mainstream as more people start to realize its incredible benefits.

How does mindfulness help with anxiety? By slowing down your brain long
enough for you to calm down. Instead of having your thoughts running a
marathon up in your mind, by shifting your focus to what is happening at the
moment, your brain is forced to slow down and take in all the current stimuli
around it. A slower mind is a less anxious mind.

Mindfulness in Everyday Life

Ask the happiest people out there what’s the secret to their happiness, and
they’ll probably tell you it’s no big secret at all. It’s mindfulness. Meditation
is one way to ease the worries of your life away, but there are other things
you can do to be more mindful every day:

Enjoy Nature - It’s sad that we’ve become so busy chasing

careers that we don’t spend enough time outdoors anymore.
Mother Nature is incredible and wondrous. There’s nothing quite
like being in her presence. Spend time outdoors, feel the warmth
of the sun on your skin, notice how a little gust of wind feels as it
careers your face. Paying attention to the tiny little details around
you, like the color of the trees and the details of the flowers, it
reminds you how beautiful life is.
Enjoying A Walk - When was the last time you took a long walk
to clear your head? You can go for a walk anywhere, whether it’s
in the city or in nature, and while you’re on that walk, tune in to
your senses. Be mindful and aware of how each step feels and how
incredible it is that you’re able to walk. Not everyone is lucky
enough to experience that, and it is an incredible blessing we often
take for granted.

While You’re In The Shower - There’s nothing like having a

nice hot bath at the end of a long day. Paying attention to the way
it feels to have that bath, enjoying those few minutes of alone time
can be a great opportunity to slow your thoughts down as you feel
the warmth of the water beating down on you. Notice how it feels
as you lather the soap all over your skin, the way it smells, and
how refreshing it feels to wash away the tiredness of the day.

While You’re Eating - Put away the screens, turn off the TV and
take the time instead to enjoy a delicious, nourishing meal. It’s a
great exercise in mindfulness. Take the time to appreciate the taste
and smell of your food as you chew slowly; bring your awareness
to the different flavors and textures. Take your time enjoying your
food instead of rushing through it and spend a couple of minutes
being grateful as you think about how lucky you are to have food
on your plate to fill your belly.

Scanning Your Body During Meditation - Toward the end of

your meditation session, strengthen the mindfulness you’ve been
practicing by bringing the session to a close with a quick body
scan. As your eyes remain closed, start focusing on the physical
sensations of your body. Start from the very top of your head and
work your way downward, or you could start at your feet and work
your way up if that’s your preference. Remember that meditation
is about what works for you, so don’t feel pressured about having
to follow any hard and fast rules. It’s the experience you get out of
it that matters most at the end of the day.

Listening to Music - Listen to music that you love because it

makes you feel good. That’s why you love it, right? You listen to
music anyway, but this time, really listen and turn it into a mindful
experience. Listen to the lyrics, notice the beats, the melodies, the
instruments, the tempo. There’s so much you could be observing
and paying attention to once you tune in. How do you respond to
that music you’re listening to? What’s happening in your body?
Your mind? Is your body moving to the rhythm? Music has the
added benefit of soothing your noisy mind, especially calming
instrumental music that is specifically to help you relax. There are
a lot of ways you can experience music mindfully, and just
changing the way we pay attention to the things we normally do
anyway can turn it into an entirely new experience altogether.
Mindfulness is incredible that way.
 Chapter 111: The Best Kept Secrets to Taming
Your Thoughts

In this final chapter, begin by asking yourself this question: How many of
your thoughts have helped you get to where you are today? How many
thoughts have hindered your progress?

Your answer will tell you how in control of your thoughts you are.
Overthinking makes you realize how little control you have over your mind
and why there is a need to change that. A wandering, distracted mind will
never give you the kind of life you long for. The kind of life you hope you.
The kind of life you deserve. Our mind is overstimulated these days, and it
has a lot to do with the lifestyle we lead. Take a good look at your life (and
the lives of many others), and you’ll see many factors that have become the
reasons for your unsettled mind. With so much going on every day, your
mind is not given the space it needs to observe the way it functions. For years
you’ve probably lived with a wandering mind, unable to recognize how this
negative habit is impacting your life. Until now, that is.

Everything you’ve read in this book so far has culminated in one theme: You
are free to choose your thoughts. In doing so, you become the architect of
your life. You construct your life the way you want it by your design.
Meditation practitioners are already familiar with this concept since it lies at
the core of most meditation techniques. You need to embrace this new
version of yourself with an open mind if you want to leave the old
overthinking version of yourself behind. All of us, to some degree, are being
unwillingly controlled by our thoughts. Whether we’re young, old, a
billionaire, a teacher, an entrepreneur, a student, it doesn’t matter. Our
thoughts are powerful, and American philosopher and psychologist William
James said this: Our thoughts become perception, and then perception
becomes reality. The minute you alter your thoughts, you alter your reality,
and that’s a very powerful tool each of us possesses. All that’s left to do now
is to harness that power and start implementing it on our lives so we can start
seeing the positive changes we want.

The reality you live in now is nothing more than a reflection of your
thoughts. The only way to influence the world around you to push it in the
direction you want it to go is to learn how to influence your mind. To stop
your thoughts from controlling you, you need to tame your mind and,
thereby, your reality. The human brain is a highly efficient organ that
demands energy. Despite being such a powerful organ, the brain is still
susceptible to information overload, thereby leading to overthinking and a
noisy, cluttered mind that makes it difficult to think with clarity. There’s far
too much going on in our environment these days, more than the brain can
learn to process. To solve this problem of information overload, evolution
came up with a solution for the brain in the form of its attention capacity.

The Wandering Mind

Attention and self-awareness have been covered in the previous chapters, but
it’s worth mentioning again here because of its importance. The brain needs
awareness and attention because it allows us to notice, direct, and select the
brain’s computational capabilities and resources. Attention and self-
awareness are like the leader of your brain. Wherever your attention goes, the
brain will follow shortly. This happens every time without fail. Whatever
becomes the object of your attention and awareness, that’s where your brain
is going to be. Think of attention as the boss of your brain.

For some people, attention is a matter of life and death. People who work in
professions like doctors, firefighters, soldiers. They all depend on attention
and awareness of what’s going on to excel at what they do, and quite literally,
their lives and the lives of many others depend on their ability to focus the
mind. Attention and awareness are very powerful, but they also happen to be
very vulnerable. Stress, overthinking, and mind-wandering are factors that
diminish the brain’s attentive powers. Imagine if the doctors, surgeons,
soldiers or firefighters allowed their minds to wander during a crucial
operation. The consequences could be dire in those cases.

Why does the mind wander so much? Because it’s a time traveler. We may
not be able to travel backward or forward in time, but the mind can. The mind
is the only part of our being that can time travel easily without any major
effort required at all. It can travel back to the past to reflect on events that
have already happened, and it can also fast forward into the future to plan for
the things that have yet to happen. It’s incredible when you think about it.
The mind time travels very frequently; for some people, it does this almost
daily, and that’s why many struggle focus. Each time your mind wanders, it
increases its risks of getting riled up instead of remaining calm, depending on
what you’re thinking about. You want to pay attention, but there are times
when the mind happens to time travel without you realizing it unless you
consciously draw awareness to it through mindfulness.

When the mind wanders without our awareness, there are consequences. We
end up making mistakes. We miss crucial information when we’re not paying
attention. We could be reading an important document or book, get all the
way to the end of the page and realize we have to do it all over again because
we have no idea what the words said or meant since we weren’t paying
attention completely. Possibly the worst consequence is the stress that
follows. The minute your brain feels overwhelmed, the stress starts to
snowball.

Everything that you’ve read up to this point only emphasizes how important
it is to tame the wandering mind if you’re going to eliminate the overthinking
habit for good. Mindfulness is one effective approach to taming the
wandering mind, but if you’re wondering whether there are other taming
strategies that can be enforced, the answer is yes. By combining everything
that you’ve learned so far together with mindfulness and the additional
taming strategies below, you’re guaranteed success in your mission to stop
overthinking for good as long as you persist and don’t give up. You need to
build a personal commitment to change. Commitment is all about being
dedicated to doing something, to take action in order to bring out the desired
result. It is the dedication to take action. You need to be willing to take action
because you care about the results. For successful and sustainable change,
you need this level of commitment. This is what fuels a person’s desire to
take the next step, to keep things on going and to always look for solutions
whenever there’s a problem.

Taming Strategy #1: Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations can help shape your life in an incredible way. For the
overthinking, anxious, and wandering mind, this is exactly what you need in
your life. Your ability to stay positive and maintain positive thoughts will
determine the tone of your emotional life. The specific words you use to
describe what is happening to you and the words you use to discuss the way
you feel about external events will trigger the kind of emotions you feel.
Whether these emotions are happy or unhappy is entirely up to you.

When you choose to see things positively and constructively, when you
choose to look for the good in every situation and person, you’re
strengthening your mind’s natural tendency to gravitate toward a more
cheerful disposition. People who are optimistic and positive weren’t born that
way. They trained themselves to be the way they are. They’ve gone through
tough moments in life too. No one in this world is sheltered from the
curveballs and ups and downs that life will toss your way. The reason why
they manage to still keep a smile on their face while you struggle even trying
to get your thoughts together is that they’ve trained their mind to gravitate
toward positivity.

Your overall quality of life is determined by how you feel from one moment
to the next. An overthinker’s goal should now be to use positive affirmations
as a training tool to keep yourself thinking about what you want out of life
instead of focusing on all the things you don’t want that are fuelling your
overthinking tendencies. You need to talk positively to yourself all the time.
If you can do this with negative talk, then you’re capable of turning that
language around and making it positive too. It’s going to require more effort,
but it can be done. You need to keep repeating positive states so many times
until your brain is finally convinced, and your fears disappear. This is not
going to happen overnight, so you need to keep persisting until change starts
to happen, no matter how long that takes.

Affirmations have the power to work because it can program a person’s mind
into believing a concept. It helps you visualize and believe in their goals,
dreams, and abilities. In other words, you are affirming to yourself and
helping yourself make positive changes to your life goals. According to
Heinz Kohut, the pioneer of the psychology of the self said that the fear of
failure is often directly connected to a childhood fear of being abandoned
either emotionally or physically. When we face failure, we tend to over-
calculate the risks we are taking and work out the worst possible scenario,
which is usually the emotional equivalent of our parents or guardian deserting
us. We imagine an entirely dreadful scenario in our minds that we convince
ourselves that trying to change isn’t a good thing at all. Thus, it makes us lose
out on opportunities for success and then when we actually do fail (because
our mind is already convinced we’ll fail anyway) the whole experience of
affirmation that we give ourselves is that we are not cut out for success, or it
is not in our karma to succeed, and then, we settle.

Your new habit is going to be to start each day on a positive note. Wake up
every morning and say, “I love my life, and I love myself as I am. I love that I
have a job to go to. I love that I have a way to earn a living to put a roof over
my head and food in my belly. I love the challenges that the day brings
because it is an opportunity for growth”. There are so many positive
statements we could draw on once we start focusing on it. Once positive
affirmations become a habit, your life starts improving. Your productivity
rises, your motivation increases, and you start getting better at paying
attention to whatever it is you’re doing.
To start putting positive affirmations into practice, there are several steps that
need to be done:

Number #1 - Begin by making a list of all your negative qualities.

Include any criticism that others have made of you and those that
you have been holding onto. Remember that we all have flaws, so
avoid being too judgmental or harsh on yourself. By
acknowledging your mistakes, you can then move forward and
work on your flaws, and you can make a shift in your life. When
you write these down, take note to see if you are holding any
grudges along the way or holding on to it.

Number #2 - Now, start writing out an affirmation on the positive

aspect of your self-assessment. Use powerful statement words to
beef up this assessment. Instead of saying, “I am worthy’ say ‘I am
extremely cherished and remarkable.”

Number #3 - Practice every day reading this affirmation loudly

for five minutes at least three times a day in the morning,
afternoon, and at night before going to sleep. You can do this
while shaving or putting your make up on, or when you are fixing
yourself a cup of tea or if you are in the shower. Look in the
mirror and look yourself in the eye. Repeat these positive
statements. Write these affirmations in your notebook at any time
you feel like it. To enhance the impactful power of these positive
affirmations, include body movements such as placing your hand
on your heart when you felt uncomfortable writing out negative
criticism of yourself.

Number #4 - As you work on reprogramming your mind to alter it

from the concept of affirmation to a real and definite
personification of the quality that you see, what would help would
be to get a friend, partner or family member to repeat For example,
 if they tell you that you’re cherished and remarkable, and then
connect with these statements by reminding yourself this is how
someone you care about perceives you. If you are not comfortable
with doing this with someone, then look at your reflection in the
mirror and reinforce your positive message.

Taming Strategy #2: Listening to Yourself

All the criticism and the failure you’ve experienced up to this point has
probably taken a toll on your self-esteem and confidence. It’s hard not to
doubt yourself when you seem to experience one setback after another.
You’ll be criticized and judged by others, and you’ll probably criticize and
judge yourself. That’s the way life is, you can’t please everyone. Some
people will be happy with you, and some won’t. Negative voices and
whisperings will be all around you. They’ll be in your mind, and they’ll be in
the voices of the people who tell you that you can’t do something. It’s too
risky. You’re not experienced enough. You’ll fail. It can’t be done, and you’d
be foolish to try. Negativity will try to shake your belief in yourself. But
when you’re being drowned out by all those voices telling you “you can’t” do
something, remember this: No one can see the vision that you have.

Other people don’t know your heart. They don’t know what’s on your mind.
They don’t know your goals, your ambitions, your hopes, your dreams. They
don’t know what’s going on beneath the surface. For example, no one will
understand how much it means to you to overcome your excessive thoughts
unless they’ve gone through something similar themselves. So why allow
your decisions to be based on their opinions? Why hold yourself back from
something you want in life because other people told you that it’s impossible
to achieve? Their opinions and their judgments are only scrambling the
thoughts in your mind, distracting you from the bigger picture. If you’re
going to tame your mind, you need to find the courage to trust yourself again
so you can block out anything else that’s trying to drown you.

Other people and even your mind will try to nudge you in all sorts of
directions, which may lead you away from your goal. But the choice is
always yours whether you want to listen to these voices or not. You can
choose to follow what they try to dictate, or you can choose the more
powerful path: Listen to yourself. Feeling like you have to stand up and do
what’s right alone can feel scary. But if you don’t learn to trust in yourself
again, you’ll always be at the mercy of other people’s opinions and their
agenda, and that is much scarier prospect to be faced with.

Despite all the noise and all the overwhelming thoughts in your mind, there is
some part of you that always knows what the right thing to do is. Call it your
inner voice or intuition. Your gut instinct has always been there, but you’ve
forgotten to listen to it because you’ve been overthinking. Sometimes the
right thing to do may be the hardest thing to do, and you’re going to need that
courage and faith in yourself if you’re going to pull it off. How do we learn to
trust ourselves? By aligning every decision that we make with our core
values. When core values lie at the heart of every decision, every goal, and
every relationship you encounter, you can trust in the fact that you’re not
going to choose anything that is going to result in a disastrous outcome for
you. No one will know what you need or what’s best for you more than you
will. Therefore, the only voice you should be listening to is yourself.

Train your mind to be comfortable with uncertainty. Things are not always
going to work out the way you want it to. There will be things that you will
know and can know, and there are things that you may never know or come
across. When it comes to overthinking, people who do this have somehow
trained their brains to focus on the unknown instead of the known. They look
into uncertainties and try to solve something they do not know. Some
questions can be answered, but for overthinkers, they tend to dwell on those
that they cannot answer. You need to now train your brain to either seek
answers from the source of the questions that you are overthinking or keep
telling your brain that it is okay not to know the answer at all. Either way,
trust that the decision you make is going to be with your best interest in mind
if you listen to what your mind and your heart are telling you.
Taming Strategy #3: Avoid Procrastination
Sometimes the urge to put off something unpleasant can be too strong to
resist. But putting it off doesn’t mean your mind is going to be at peace about
it or you’re going to feel happy about it. In fact, you’re only delaying the
inevitable, and when that moment catches up to you again, you feel stressed,
overwhelmed, and anxious as you scramble to do what you should have
started on long ago. That’s procrastination. You know you’re going to have
to do it eventually. You can feel the pressure building as your mind starts
getting restless. Yet, you do it anyway, and you’re not the only one either.

Procrastination affects everyone in one way or another. It’s a lot more

complex than bad time management or laziness. A few subsets of psychology
have a different way of looking at procrastination. Neuropsychologists refer
to this as: “ A failure of executive function” or “the way you prioritize and
plan ahead.” Social psychologists refer to procrastination as: “A problem
that relates to emotional regulation” or “An attempt to avoid negative
emotions like stress.” Evolutionary psychologists, on the other hand, believe
that procrastination: “Could be partly due to genetics.” Despite the different
perspectives on procrastination, the one thing all researchers can agree on is
that this is a habit that is not good for anyone.

This is a habit that has been around for a while. In 700BC, Greek poet Hesiod
wrote about procrastination when he said: “Do not put off your work until
tomorrow or even the day after tomorrow. A sluggish worker will not fill his
barn, nor one who puts off his work. Industry makes work go well. But a man
who keeps putting off his work will always be at hand-grips with ruin”. A
study conducted in 2014 by the researchers at the University of Colorado,
Boulder, it seems that procrastination could be part of our evolutionary
makeup. To figure out the genetic link, what researchers resorted to was to
study pairs of twins and their work habits. Fraternal twins who only shared
certain DNA were compared against identical twins who share all their DNA.
Since each set of twins grew up together exposed to the same external
environmental factors, their responses were compared to determine if their
genetics corresponded to their procrastination habits. A mathematical model
was developed by the researchers to calculate whether procrastination was
inherited. What they discovered was that half the time, the difference in the
twins’ procrastination habits could be attributed to the differences in genetics.
What the researchers also found out was that putting things off and reacting
impulsively were behaviors that could be inherited together too.

Still, procrastination can’t be blamed entirely on genetics. Self-regulation, the

way you manage your goals, your values, beliefs, and perception play a role
in your tendency to procrastinate too. Canadian psychology professor
Timothy Pychyl says when you procrastinate, you’re giving in to what feels
good. In other words, when we’re faced with negativity as overthinkers so
often are, procrastination is a way to cash in on that short-term good feeling.
It is an attempt to run away from and avoid bad feelings like stress, for
example, if the task you’re faced with is unpleasant. Pychyl and other
researchers believe that the trouble comes when you tend to use excuses
habitually to put off the things you need to do.

It is useful to recognize the typical words we use when we are

procrastinating: “Not yet…”, “I don’t feel like it…”, “Wait...”, “You can do
it later…”, with the emotions that accompany them. You need to activate an
internal "radar" that recognizes when you start entertaining thoughts of
procrastination. Observing your thoughts, you will learn to recognize the
words you use to procrastinate. While everyone tends to put off things once
in a while, doing so chronically will only lead to higher stress levels and a
mind that is restless and finds it difficult to focus.

To tame your mind and avoid the temptation to give in to these negative
thoughts that tempt you to procrastinate, it helps to break down the things
you need to do into smaller, manageable chunks. That way, you train your
mind to feel accomplished each time you complete one of these chunks and
prepare to move on to the next one. Accomplishments lead to feelings of
positivity, and tasks seem less intimidating when they’re smaller and
seemingly easier to handle. Keep your mind calm by reminding yourself
there’s no need to pile on the pressure to get everything done at once. It’s
okay to work in small steps if it helps you focus better. Find a workflow
rhythm that works best for you based on your schedule, not someone else’s
expectations.

Taming Strategy #4: Get a Hobby

Negativity, overthinking, anxiety, and any other mental health issue you may
be dealing with can rob you of your happiness. When you lose that happiness,
one of the things you lose in the interest in what you used to love to do. You
start to neglect the things that once put a smile on your face, the ones that
ignited your passion because you’re so consumed by negativity. But when
you’re overthinking or dealing with anxiety is precisely the time you need to
fall back on your hobbies. Having a hobby gives you comfort. It gives you
something to focus your mind on at a time when you need it most. It takes
away the focus from the lonely, isolating feeling that often accompanies
those who battle with overthinking and anxiety daily.

Hobbies are important because they remind of your drive. They remind you
that there are still things you love, even when you feel alone and miserable.
When you immerse yourself in the hobby you love, the rest of the world
seems to fade away. You’re not thinking about what happened yesterday, last
week, last month, last year or even several years ago. You’re not worried
about what’s going to happen tomorrow or a week from now. When you
throw yourself completely into your hobby, you’re actually more present than
you’ve ever been. You forget about everything else that may be going on in
your world, and for that moment, it’s just you and the hobby you love.

If you don’t have a hobby that you particularly love, there’s no better time to
start one than now. If you can’t quite think of a hobby just yet or need more
time to find one, a hobby you can consider to tame your anxious mind is
reading. There’s a quote by C.S. Lewis who said: We read to know that we
are not alone. That quote couldn’t be more apt for this moment because those
who deal with negativity and anxiety often do feel alone, and like the rest of
the world doesn’t understand them. That disconnect from their relationships
can take a toll mentally and reading is an escape. A chance to get lost in
another world, to lose yourself in someone else’s inspiring stories.

The concept of reading to feel better is called Bibliotherapy, and what makes
this form of therapy different is how it uses an individual’s relationship or
issues and connects it with the content of the books. It’s interesting to know
that you can overcome the challenges you may be facing by reading about
how the characters in the book overcame their challenges. It’s a way for
overthinkers to take their anxiety, stress, and depression and channel it or
relate it to the contents of books. Reading about how the characters or
inspiring individuals in those books overcame their toughest adversities is
telling your mind if they can do it, why not you? If they could find the
strength to keep fighting, why not you?

Overthinking, anxiety, and depression can be like a ball and chain that
weighs you down, stopping you from going where you want to go. Reading is
a fantastic hobby for taming the mind. It’s something we can all do, and
reading is something a lot of people actually enjoy doing already. If you’re
one of those people, picking up this hobby is probably going to be one of the
easiest strategies in this entire book. It’s remarkable that a simple hobby like
reading can bring about such monumental change. This is just one example of
what a hobby can do for you. Never give up on what you’re passionate about
because that drive will be the one that takes you out of any obstacle you will
ever face in your life.

Taming Strategy #5: Be Lovingly Patient with

Yourself
It’s going to take time to retrain your mind. Along the way, you’re bound to
feel frustrated and defeated when it feels like you’re not progressing fast
enough. But it is important that you do your best to be lovingly kind to
yourself. Allow yourself time to absorb all the changes you’re trying to carry
out. Every time you successfully carry out a strategy, it’s important to pause,
slow down, and take a couple of minutes to celebrate what you just did. This
reminds your mind that you are progressing, and change is happening. With
every strategy you overcome, you’re getting better one step at a time.

When you’re lovingly kind to yourself, you’re less impatient and more
compassionate and understanding. Your perception starts to change bit by bit,
and you start viewing situations and the way you react to them in a more
objective manner. You become more rational, and finally, you’ll reach a point
where you experience your emotion without allowing your thoughts to spiral
out of control when you do. Self-compassion is what so many of us are
lacking today. To survive in this high-pressure digital world, we’ve been
forced to become adept at being self-critical when we fail to meet the
unrealistic standards set by society. We’ve become so good at telling
ourselves off for our failures that we forget to show ourselves compassion.
But that self-compassion is what your overanxious mind needs right now
more than ever.

To tame your overthinking mind, you need to carve out time to be self-
compassionate. Since depression, negativity, and anxiety are the three
enemies of a happy life, there is a need to appreciate the role of what self-
love and being kind to yourself can do for you. If you can show compassion,
love, and care for the people in your life that mean the most to you, then you
certainly can do this for yourself too. The Loving Kindness Meditation is
going to be helpful in this context. Also known as the Metta meditation, the
goal of this meditation is to cultivate an attitude of kindness and love towards
everything around you, even your own enemies and also to the sources of
stress. This meditation involves breathing deeply to open your minds to be
more loving to their loved ones and to the people in this world. The key to
this meditation is to repeat the message as often as possible until you feel an
attitude of loving-kindness. This meditation is created to promote the feelings
of compassion and love to oneself and the people around them. It can help in
anger, resentment, and frustration as well as interpersonal conflict. You can
look forward to reducing anxiety, depression as well as PTSD.
 Conclusion

Thank you for making it through to the end of Overthinking, let’s hope it was
informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you need to achieve
your goals whatever they may be.

It is important to learn everything you can about yourself and the reasons
you’re prone to overthinking. The next time you catch yourself overthinking,
ask yourself, “Why?” and think about all the steps you’ve gone through in
this book. Remember that most of the time, the root cause of overthinking is
fear. The fear of what you can’t control, fear of the unknown, and fear of
making the wrong decisions you will come to regret.

In time, you can train yourself to learn to view the situations that happen to
you as a learning opportunity. Despite what overthinking may be trying to
convince you of, it’s not an impossibly hopeless situation if you do make the
wrong decision every now and then. It happens, and the only thing we can do
with every situation we face is to do our best with the information we have.
It’s wonderful when you do make the right decisions, but when you don’t, it’s
okay. Take the lessons that come with the experience for the next time you
find yourself having to make a similar decision.

Once you learn to stop giving significance to the small problems, you’re one
step closer to overcoming the overthinking habit. Remember that you’ve got
the strongest power on your side, and that’s the power of choice. Nothing is
more powerful than what you decide to do, not anxiety, not overthinking, nor
negativity. This is going to be your strongest ally as you journey toward
breaking out of the bad habits that have held you back for so long. There are
so many people who have already overcome their challenges through the
power of choice. That means you can too. Good luck!
CHANGE YOUR BRAIN
By William Mind
 Introduction
The fear of the unknown. That’s one of the biggest fears we all harbor in
secret, but very few would like to admit. Being in a transitional phase of life
is never easy and that fear can make your brain go haywire. When your
thoughts begin to feel like they’re overpowering you, your sense of control
begins to slip away which only causes you to feel even more frustrated and
miserable at the way things are going. Embarking on a new journey with no
guarantee of success is hard, and even harder to do when you don’t have the
right mindset to do it.

Our brain has to deal with a constant stream of negative thoughts. What if we
fail? What if we make a decision we regret for the rest of our lives? What if
we make the wrong choices? What if, despite trying, we still don’t succeed? If
we let it, our brains can go into overdrive, magnifying these thoughts to a
point where they become almost unbearable. We’re so used to being
programmed to worry about what’s going to happen next because of that fear
of the unknown. We worry so much we forget to stop and be present because
we’re no longer the ones in control anymore. By the time we get to this stage,
we’ve surrendered control to our overworked, stressed-out brain.

But what would happen if we made one small change? What if we changed
our brains to stop it from focusing on the “what ifs” and the “what next?” to
focus on the “what now?”. The minute we do that, our entire lives begin to
shift. The bad habits we once carried around with us begin to fade away and
make room for newer, better transformation. By simply changing our brains,
we could overcome addiction, face our fears, resolve conflict, and most
importantly, be present in that moment and remain in control all the way.

Every piece of advice and strategy you’re about to unravel throughout the
next few chapters are going to change your perspective. It’s going to open
your eyes to the fact that you have the power to initiate the change in your
life that you want to see. You had that power all along, but what was holding
you back from realizing that power was the negativity that was weighing
down your brain. By changing your perspective, the fear of the unknown
doesn’t seem as powerful as it once did. You may not have the power to
control everything that happens to you, but you do have the power to change
your brain, change your perspective, and, ultimately, change your
life.

There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for
choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much
useful information as possible; please enjoy!
Chapter 112: Principles to Change Your Brain and
Your Life

Your brain is the organ of judgment, personality, character, and probably the
characteristic that is responsible for how far we’ve come and all the modern-
day conveniences we see around us today: Innovation. Innovation is a brain
function. It depends on the physical health of your brain. Now, we know that
our brain is involved in everything that we do. How we think, how we feel,
how we act, how we make decisions, how we get along with others. When
your brain works, you work. When your brain is troubled, you are a lot more
likely to have trouble in your life too. When your brain is healthy, you’re
happier, healthier, wiser; you’re more creative. When the brain is not healthy,
that’s when negativity becomes the dominant force in your life. So, we then
ask ourselves: Is it possible to change the brain? If so, what can we do?

Is It Possible to Change Your Brain?

Absolutely. If science has taught us anything, it is that we’re not hardwired to
be a certain way for the rest of our lives, and we’re not doomed by genetics.
Humans are capable of some of the most incredible changes. We can literally
do anything that we set our minds too, even the things that seem impossible.
Our minds are our most powerful tool. It can either drive us to great heights
or hold us back from ever living our dreams. Like every other muscle in the
body, the mind needs to be exercised. Mental preparation is the key to
boosting your motivation levels. Some of the most successful people in the
world start their day every morning by mentally preparing themselves for the
day ahead. They meditate, use positive affirmations, recite their goals to
themselves, or even listen to motivational podcasts on their phones or
tablets.
Negativity is a survival mechanism. It is the way the human mind uses it to
identify what might be wrong in certain situations so we can protect
ourselves from danger. For example, when we see a dangerous animal in the
wild. Our brain understands that this is a negative situation where we could
potentially end up getting hurt, and the survival mechanism warns us not to
get involved, so we don’t risk getting hurt. Negativity used as a survival
mechanism is alright but allowing this mechanism to become the primary
way to live is not alright. We were not meant to live in a constant state of
negativity, or use it to develop connections and relationships with others.
Negativity shouldn’t be allowed to grow strong enough that it starts to control
and take over. When you live a life where focusing on weaknesses instead of
strengths becomes your default mode, you’re a pessimist who will always
struggle to find happiness and fulfillment in life.
Adopting new behavioral patterns and thoughts as well as recruit neutral
networks that encourage new connections as well as communication
pathways that can change the brain’s thinking prowess over time. Repeated
behavior allows the neurons of the brain to branch out and ease the
information flow. When you complain repeatedly, for example, it makes it
easier for the brain to keep doing the same thing next time. Repetitive
complaining soon becomes habitual, and it rewires your brain, so
complaining becomes even easier as you continuously indulge in this habit.
In doing so, you’re strengthening your brain’s negative bias, making it easier
to see everything that is wrong with the world around you, regardless of how
many good things may be happening too.

In short, changing the brain is possible, but it needs to be trained to think

positively if you’re going to override all the negativity your brain has been
accustomed to all this time.

How to Change Our Mindset and Ourselves

Your mind is your most powerful weapon of change to achieve success in
everything that you do in life. If you want your life to change, to think better,
do better, and achieve more, then you need to begin taking ownership of your
thoughts and change the way you think. Nothing is going to change unless
you make the choice to do it. To be accountable and take ownership of your
mind and your thoughts. To be a problem solver instead of a downer and
changing your mindset is what you need for change is going to get you there.
Reframing your point of view is essentially changing your mindset. A mind
over matter exercise. If you put your mind to it, you can do it.

When you change your mindset, the rest of your life will follow. You’ll
become an entirely new person, someone who can “step outside yourself”
and observe your actions like you would if you were a third-party observer.
Imagine that you were on the outside looking in, looking at the kind of person
you are and the way you handle things right now. Do you like what you see?
From an outsider’s perspective, how would you say things could be handled
better? Taking time to reflect upon yourself will bring you to a greater level
of self-awareness. Only when you are able to accept and embrace what is
happening and not live in denial can true change start to happen.

How do we start changing our mindsets and ourselves in the process? By not
making excuses. Excuses do nothing for you except to distract and deter from
focusing on what’s important. They don’t do you any good, and it is time that
you dropped them. Using excuses to rationalize your decisions and reactions,
to explain away behavior which you know deep down is not acceptable is not
the mark of someone who is in control of their brain. Excuses will always
keep you in your comfort zone and stop you from achieving success. Excuses
will prevent you from ever learning how to regulate your emotions and
develop empathy. Excuses, in short, are neither positive nor productive.
How to Illuminate Your Mind
The power of choice is something that resonates the most with our souls. The
power of decision-making is one of the greatest gifts you hold. You’re not the
product of your genes, your family background, or your education. You are
the result of your decisions. Dwight D. Eisenhower once said: “The history of
free men is never written by chance, but by choice. Their choice.” Life is
about making decisions, and your success is the result of several decisions
you’ve had to make to get to where you are.

Making decisions is not easy. Brain researcher Ernst Pöppel says that each
day, we make about 20,000 decisions. Most of these decisions are done at
lightning speed and unconsciously. Some decisions we adjourn to a later time
(sometimes this is called procrastination). Now, your brain is a toolbox, but
the problem is, most people don’t really know how to use this toolbox. Your
choices change your brain. When it comes to making decisions, whether its
personal, professional or for business, the brain accesses parts of itself that
we have no conscious access to. This is called the cognitive unconscious.
This part of the brain contains the circuitry that stores data and the decisions
we’ve made throughout our entire lives.

Your Choices Change Your Brain

We need to take responsibility for our brains. Some people are terrified of
making decisions because they don’t want to make the wrong one. However,
make no mistake that not making a decision is still making a decision. When
you don’t make the decision, you’re allowing someone else to do it for you.
Today, we've got a lot of choices. You might even say we’ve got too many
options. In the consumerist society, a simple trip to the grocery store could
see you standing in line at the cashier with more items than you originally
intended to buy. At least one or two products that weren’t on your initial
shopping list, to begin with. It happens to everyone, and this phenomenon is
called irrational buying decisions. This happens when the brain experiences a
stimulus overflow and far too many options. It paralyzes the brain, and you
struggle with the decision-making process.

Each time you make a decision, why do you choose that particular decision?
That’s we key question we don’t always stop to ask. One study observed
what happened in the human brain when people had to make decisions and
compared those findings to animals who had to make similar types of
decisions. One of the most fascinating takeaway from this research was how
people and animals tend to make very similar choices when they find
themselves in similar contexts. Moreover, the study found that the brain was
the one responsible for making these decisions for them using a similar set of
mechanisms. This means we can infer that the choices we make, even in a
complex situation, are driven by forces that have learned long ago to solve
the kinds of problems animals needed to solve like finding food, finding a
mate, making friends and allies to work together with.

Image Source: Braze.com

Love, Depression, Anxiety, Fear and the Brain
For phenomena like depression, anxiety, and fear (which are three mental
health conditions with close ties to each other), two key areas of the brain
need to be looked at. The front part of the brain and the second part of the
brain called the limbic system, which is where the fight or flight response
resides. The front part of the brain is responsible for:

Motivation
Drive
Attention
Concentration
Pleasure
Mental fatigue

These functions are different from the ones affected by the limbic system.
The limbic system contains an important part of the brain called the
amygdala, which is the “threat” area of the brain. When involved, it triggers
emotional responses like fear and aggression. It is responsible for controlling
certain behaviors that are essential to not only humans but all mammals on
this planet. We need our limbic system for self-preservation purposes, among
other things like sourcing food. What’s interesting about the limbic system of
the human brain is that certain structures can be found in the brain structure
of certain evolutionary animals too. In alligators, for example, the limbic
system is there to play an important role in helping it defend its territory, eat
and hunt for prey. In the human brain, the limbic system is involved in our
emotional and motivational behaviors.

Emotions like depression, anxiety, and fear are complicated and could be due
to several factors. Chemical imbalances in the brain, traumatic life events,
genetics, or medical factors. Brain imaging studies show that depression and
anxiety are connected to changes in several parts of the brain, particularly in
three core areas:

Amygdala (where emotional regulation takes place)

Hippocampus (processes memory and regulates stress hormone)
Thalamus (links sensory information to good and bad feelings)

Image Source: Revelpreview

For some people, depression, anxiety, and fear are emotions they can
overcome on their own. In some cases, they go back to feeling normal once
the triggering event has passed. But some people struggle for years and are
unable to overcome these conditions without proper treatment or medication.
One major contributor to why we become consumed with our fears is because
we’re terrified of the “worst-case” scenario happening to us. We think about
all the bad things that could possibly go wrong, and these scenarios get so
built up in our heads the worry starts to grow bigger and bigger. As it does,
our emotions slowly start spiraling out of control, fueling our worries even
more.

As for love, well, people all over the world fall in love. They would do
anything for love. They go to the ends of the earth for true love. They write
poems, stories, and make movies about love and finding love. They long for
love. The fight for love. They even kill in the name of love. That’s how
powerful this emotion is. There is no society in this world that exists without
love. Love it’s a primal emotion that connects us all. Whether its platonic,
romantic, or familial, love is not always perfect. When love it’s great, it’s
wonderful. But, as we all know, love is not always a happy emotion. So, what
happens to the brain when we experience love? Why, despite being
sometimes a painful emotion, do we still long for it so badly?

Love is something we feel in our hearts, but science shows that love actually
begins in the brain. When we experience love, our brain is hijacked by a
concoction of hormones, including serotonin, dopamine, and vasopressin,
that induce a sense of euphoria. Dopamine, the hormone that makes you feel
good, is also responsible for storing long-term memory. But when love goes
wrong, it can trigger anxiety and depression for the broken heart. Falling in
love and investing all your emotions in another person can be a scary
prospect for anyone. But for someone who is already dealing with anxiety, it
can be downright frightening. No matter how old we may be or at what stage
of life we are at, giving your heart to someone is a frightening prospect
because you are opening yourself to the possibility of being hurt. For
someone who is living with anxiety, that fear is magnified tenfold.

There’s a lot of things that could impact our perception of love. If that
perception is negative, it’s likely as a result of failed relationships you
experienced before, maybe something traumatic happened while you were in
a relationship. Even seeing your loved ones and friends go through a negative
love experience can cause your perception to sway toward the negative.
When you’re dealing with anxiety, that fear of having the relationship fail can
haunt your every waking moment. It isn’t easy living a life in which you are
constantly worried and afraid that something bad is going to happen. When it
involves someone that you care about, it can be almost unbearable because
the very thought of losing the one that you love is too painful to bear.
Sometimes, after the breakdown of a relationship, anxiety can make it
difficult for you to move on and deal with it. This only further emphasizes the
need to change your brain, change your mindset, and develop a positive
outlook.

You Cannot Change What You Do Not Measure

Before you undertake the journey to change your brain and change your
mindset and your life, there’s something else you need to do, too: Be
accountable. You’ll hear this term thrown around a lot in the workplace a lot,
yet very few people understand what it truly means. Accountability is often
associated with our professional life, but it needs to spill over into your
personal life now too, especially when you’re trying to initiate a change for
the better. Why? Because you cannot change what you do not measure. If
there’s no measurement or some type of gauge as to how well you’re doing
and what kind of progress you’ve made, how will you know what needs to be
changed? Or what areas need to be improved on?

If you think about it, all of us change all the time. It’s not just people that
change too. Everything in the world goes through change. It is the very nature
of existence. Some people undergo more positive change than others because
they are accountable. An example of what happens when you’re not
accountable for your life and your actions is when you notice that your life is
changing for the worst. It’s filled with more negativity, unhappiness, despair,
depression, anxiety, more bad episodes than you’d like to go through,
relationships that get lost along the way. When it feels like your life has
spiraled out of control, that’s because you’re not accountable for what’s
going on. When you’re not accountable, you’re not in control. If you don’t
start doing something to change your life, what is going to become of it?

Being accountable and taking responsibility for the changes that happen in
your life is one of the first few steps needed to push for the positive change
you need to so. It’s not difficult to begin either. When you start your day,
start by picking one virtue that you want to work on for the day and go with
that. For example, today, you’re going to work on forgiveness. Or you could
choose to work on happiness, mindfulness, patience, gratitude; the list goes
on. You would then go about your day as you ordinarily would, and at the
end of the day and reflect on how your day went. Hold yourself accountable
for the actions that happened. Did your intention to work on forgiveness go
as well as you hoped? If not, why not? What can you do tomorrow that would
make it better? What can you do to improve? If it helps, enlist the help of
someone you trust to hold you accountable for your actions of the day. Tell
them in the morning what virtue you intend to focus on, and have them check
in with you to see how well you’re doing. Let’s say a colleague annoyed you
at work today and you’re still mad at him for it. Your friend, partner, or
family member could then point out, “But you said you were going to
practice forgiveness today? Why aren’t you forgiving your colleague?”.
They’ll be there to remind of the moments when you need to be accountable
but you’re not doing it.

The thing about change is, you don’t see it happening. When you start
exercising for the first time, it doesn’t seem like you’re getting fitter or
stronger from one day to the next. When you’re saving money and set a target
amount you would like to see in your bank account, you don’t see that
happening in a week, a month, or a year. That’s one of the reasons why
change is so hard. We don’t see it happening, so it doesn’t feel like anything
is changing. That’s even more reason why you need to be accountable. It’s
about being responsible for your choices and your decisions instead of letting
your brain and your emotions decide for you. If you measure every single
thing you do each day to change toward your goal, and when you look back
on that progress 3 months from now or 6 months from now, that’s when you
see how far you’ve come. So, start by picking one habit each time that you
want to work on overcoming. One habit that you want to change for the
better. Or you could pick one good habit that you want to start. Go with one
first and let your brain focus on just one thing at a time to minimize
distraction.

How Positive Thinking Will Change Your Life

What do you think the happiest and most successful people think about all
day long? The answer is simple: Most of the time, healthy and happy people
think about what they want and what they can do to get it. They don’t think
about this all the time because there are other responsibilities to attend to, but
most of the time, these are the dominant thoughts that will occupy their mind.
What they want. How to get it. They do this because they understand the
power of positive thinking and how important it is to develop that positive
mindset.

Your positive attitude and thinking are the two most important qualities you
can have if you want to change your life. When you keep thinking and talking
about all the things you want and how to get it, you feel like you’re in control
of your life. Subsequently, you feel happier because your brain is releasing
endorphins each time you think about the things you want. The word
“thinking” can mean an extensive number of things. The way that we think
shapes the world around us. A person who thinks positively tends to attract
opportunities and success because of their optimistic outlook and ability to
see the silver lining where others would be tempted to give up. A person who
thinks negatively tends to experience a higher degree of failure. The way we
think influences our outlook on life and to bring about great change for the
better requires a shift in the way that we think from this point onwards.

When something happens bad or unexpected happens to you, there are two
ways you can handle the situation. You can choose to put a positive spin on
what might be a very difficult situation, or you could be defeated by it,
complain, and end up making yourself and everyone else around you
miserable in the process. Choosing positivity is not something you do as a
one-off. It is something that you need to practice every single day. There’s a
quote by Wayne Dyer, who says: “If you change the way you look at things,
the things you look at will change.”

Here’s an example of a scenario. Think about a time when the water went off
in your house. You had no water to boil, take a shower with, wash your
clothes or do any of the stuff you normally would. You know the water is
going to come back on at some point, and there will be plenty of it. But for
those couple of hours, you’re inconvenienced. Some people might look at this
negatively and complain about how difficult it is and how their routine has
been disrupted. They could be so bothered by it that it spoils their mood for
an entire day. Then there are others, who might think that’s okay, it’s a minor
setback and the water is going to come back on later. Now, we’re so used to
having running water in our homes every day that we don’t stop to realize
how fortunate we are. There are so many in less fortunate countries who have
to survive on less. In Africa, some people have to survive on less than 5 liters
of water per day for everything, and that includes drinking, cooking,
cleaning, washing their clothes, taking a bath. What most of us use in one
shower session is what others rely on for an entire day to survive. If you think
about it from that perspective, we are incredibly fortunate, so a couple of
hours without water is nothing to complain about when we know there are
people out there who don’t even know where their next source of fresh water
supply is coming from. That’s what a change in perspective can do. Your
thinking sets the stage for your life. When you change your outlook, you
change your entire life. That’s how powerful a tool the mind can be. When
your mind focuses on nothing but misery and the problems that you’re
plagued with, your life and outlook are going to mirror that train of thought.
If you were to focus on the positives, however, and focus on the solutions
instead of the problem, you become the type of person who can still smile in
the face of adversity.
How Can I Train My Brain to Be Positive?
When you change your perception from positive to negative, you don’t just
change yourself. You could possibly change the people around you too.
Becoming more resilient against negativity is like a snowball effect because
once you are more resilient, you find that you feel less tense, your blood
pressure is lowered because your levels of stress have decreased, your body
feels a lot more relaxed and aches less, and you don’t fall ill as often anymore
because you feel good about yourself. That’s the power of positivity already
at work

Saying Thank You: Make saying “Thank you” the first activity
of the day as soon as you open your eyes in the morning. You’re
alive, and you’ve got a whole day ahead of you to make something
good out of it. Being alive is a blessing that we take for granted the
most and the simple act of saying thank you each morning will
train your brain to appreciate your life that much more. The act of
saying thank you gives value to your life and it changes your
perception.
Using Humor: One component that makes positivity easier if you
learn to use humor. Learn to laugh at yourself and laugh with
others. Even the most miserable situations can be helped with a
little humor. It is the medicine that keeps despair at bay. You’re
not denying the misery you feel, but simply cultivating a different
relationship with it. Instead of letting that unhappy moment define
you, you’re making the choice to put a positive spin on it and use
that humor to develop inner strength. Laughter, real genuine
laughter, is one of the best remedies you could feed your body
because laughter releases dopamine, a chemical that invokes
feelings of pleasure and happiness in our bodies. When you are
laughing, it is impossible to feel any kind of stress or tension
during the process, and it is impossible to feel negative when
you’re having a good, honest laugh.

Keeping a Gratitude Journal - Writing down a list of all that

you’re grateful for can be a helpful exercise in training your brain
to be more positive. Practicing gratitude is easy and something that
you can do every single day. A good way to start is by keeping a
gratitude journal, and you can start with something simple by
writing down every day one or more things that happened to you
today that you are very grateful for. With so much happening
around you each day, it’s easy to overlook the good things you
encountered during the day. Aim to write down one thing you’re
grateful for at the very least, and five if you can manage it. Writing
it down helps you to actively remember that you do have reasons
to be grateful for, and each time you feel negativity threatening to
take over, open your journal and read the list of all the things you
have to be grateful for.

Smile: Another facet of positivity is to smile. Get up in the

morning and smile at yourself in the mirror. Smile as you head out
the door and off to work. Smile at the people you meet along the
way. Smile because it’s a powerful thing. Mother Theresa once
said: “Peace begins with a smile.” She also said: “We shall never
know all the good a simple smile can do.”

Positive Affirmations: Positive affirmations were underestimated

for a long time, that is until research suggested that they are
powerful tools that could significantly decrease stress and enhance
problem-solving abilities. It’s easier to do this when we learn to
pay attention and be grateful for the small things. We’re all guilty
of only focusing on big acts of gratitude and forget about the little
things we have to be thankful for. For example, getting a cup of
coffee at work when you’re on your break or when you have your
lunch at the local cafe. You see this as part of your daily routine,
but think about how many people around the world are either
starving or not as fortunate as you are to enjoy a nice, warm cup of
coffee and a warm meal to fill their bellies.

Embrace Diversity: No matter who they are or where they come

from, everyone is important. Regardless of the country of origin,
race, religion, age, sexual preference, gender, everyone matters.
Defining people by what they are rather than who they are is how
you form judgments and negative biases toward each other.
Instead, if we took the time to know people that are different from
our usual experiences and respect them for their unique
individuality, that cultivates an open mind and, with it, a more
positive attitude. At the end of the day, we all want the same
things. We want love, happiness, safety, security, being with
family, raising children well. As humans, we agree on these same
basic principles. It’s okay that we all have different opinions.
What is not okay is when we insist that others should go along
with what we think is best. We need to be open to the opinions of
others, to see what it is that makes them passionate or excited. You
may not agree or prefer their opinions, but you learn to appreciate
 the fact that they do. In doing so, we can learn a lot from people
who are so different from us and it is these experiences that all
come together to help shape a positive perception of the world.

It’s not always possible to be positive because life is not perfect. There will
be moments in your life that are downright negative. In your darkest days, it
might require a lot more work to find your way back to the positive place
again. You’ll need to be willing to do what it takes to get back to that. This
world is an amazing place, and if you’re reading this, you’ve got a lot in your
life to be grateful for. You simply need to find your way back to that happy
place, and that’s what you’ll learn to do throughout the course of the next few
chapters.
 Chapter 113: Improving the Brain

Changing your mindset is entirely up to you. It is not only possible, but it’s
also necessary to revolutionize your life and witness visible change
happening at last. Your progress begins now. Not tomorrow, not next week,
not next month, not a year from now. But right now.

Right now, it’s probably hard to imagine any kind of positive change
happening in your life if you’ve been struggling with negativity for a while.
It’s going to take a lot of inner strength to pick yourself up and try to put your
life back together. Change never comes easy, and trying to change something
as strong and powerful as a brain that has been trapped in old habits is even
harder. But that’s exactly why you should do it. Learning to change your
brain is going to one of the best decisions you decide to make today. By
learning to conquer your mind, you can change your life because that goal
that you’ve given yourself is the laser-sharp focus that you need. Having that
goal to focus on puts things in perspective and eliminates distractions once
you realize that they serve no purpose.

Can the Brain Rewire Itself? How Do We Improve

Our Brains?
Neuroplasticity is an idea that is widely accepted today, and scientists have
proven many times over that our brains are dynamic and adaptable. The
human brain is so powerful that can alter its structure, even in those who
experienced severe neurological afflictions. It is absolutely incredible to think
that those who were dealing with recovery from mental illness, stroke, and
cerebral palsy could train other areas of their brain through consistent and
repetitive physical and mental activities.

Norman Doidge M.D., author of The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of
Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science, adamantly stated that
the brain is more than capable of rewiring itself and forming new neural
pathways of needed. However, you need to be the one that initiates this
change. It requires repetition and consistent effort over a prolonged period to
reinforce this. By repeatedly engaging in positive activities and thinking
positive thoughts, you can rewire the way your brain thinks and start
strengthening the areas of the brain that stimulate positive emotions. Think of
it the way you would with exercise. To see any kind of physical change in
your body, you need to keep going at it for a sustained period. Change
doesn’t happen overnight. Your brain is a muscle that you’re not about to
exercise and if you keep going, it is only going to get stronger with time.

Image Source: Neurogym

Learning Changes the Brain

Every time you engage in a new behavior or activity, your brain generates
new neural pathways and form new connections with other neurons. Imagine
your brain is like a highway, and the neurons are the many alternative routes
you can take to arrive at your destination. This means that if one neural
pathway is blocked, it’s not the end of the road. There’s always another
avenue. Your brain takes in all the positive new experiences it encounters,
and as you work on strengthening the neural pathways, the synapses start to
grow close together. Whenever a new electrical signal activates the synapses,
it bridges the gap between them, and they grow even closer together. The
closer your synapses are, the faster the information transmits. Therefore, as
the brain’s positive thought synapses start to grow closer, positive thoughts
begin to win in the face against negative thoughts because they travel much
faster. So yes, it is absolutely possible to rewire the brain and improve it the
way we want, but it requires action on our part to get it done. Change is not
going to happen by itself unless we do something about it.

6 Ways to Shift Your Mindset and Embrace Change

The working relationship you have between you and your mind is the most
important relationship you could have. When you collaborate and work
together with your mind instead of against it, when you tell it what you want,
you get the results you want. If you can make this relationship work, there’s
no limit to the things you can achieve. If you change your brain is this simple
way by shifting your mindset, you can easily achieve success at every level
across the board. No question about it.

To shift your mindset, you need to first understand four important things
about the way the mind works:

1: Your mind does exactly what it thinks you want it to do. The
mind is programmed to help you survive and therefore, it is always
acting in what it thinks is your best interest.
 2: The way you feel every day comes down to two things. One, the
words that you say to yourself. Two, the scenarios you visualize in
your head. If the words you use are negative and the scenarios you
envision are negative, then you’re always going to be feeling
miserable until you do something to turn that around.

3: Your mind is hardwired for pleasure. It is designed to move

toward the greatest source of pleasure and simultaneously move
away from pain.

4: The mind loves familiarity and routine. It is programmed to

repeatedly go back to the same behavior and the same habits it has
grown comfortable with.

Your mind is constantly listening to the language you tell it. If you say, “I’m
so stressed and this workload is more than I can manage, I can’t handle all
this pressure” you are telling your mind you don’t want to do this. As soon
as your mind thinks you don’t want to do something, it’s going to encourage
you to procrastinate, to find excuses, to slack off, and perhaps even refuse to
do the task at all. Your mind is so tuned in to the words you use that even the
slightest hint of negativity immediately puts it on the path to doing
everything it can to avoid difficulty. It’s not just our thoughts we need to be
aware of, but the words that we say too. The words and the language that you
use to describe yourself, your life, and the people around you shape the
reality that you live in. The words you speak hold immense power in them.
With a few simple words, you can either lift yourself up or bring yourself
crashing down, defeated and demotivated. A few spoken words are all it
takes to either give someone hope or destroy their self- esteem. If you believe
that you are surrounded by loving, supportive people, that life is good and
full of possibilities and you vocalize that, you’re cultivating such an
environment for yourself using the power of your words.
Take a good look at where your life is right now. The habits and the
behaviors you engage in. If you’re not getting the results you want, then it’s
clear you’re not working together with your mind, and that needs to change.
You’re not communicating or training your mind in the direction you want it
to go. You need to start talking to your mind in a positive way, even if you
don’t believe what you’re saying at first. Imagine you’re running five miles
and by the second mile, you’re already tired and you feel like stopping. If
you’re telling yourself, “This is boring. I want to stop. I hate running why am
I doing this”, you’re not going to finish that run. But if you tell yourself,
“This is good. I love running. I can feel myself getting stronger. Two miles
down, only three more to go this is easy I’ve got this,” you’re collaborating
with your mind, telling it what you want it to do and it’s going to carry you
all the way to the end of your run.

Remember, your mind is hardwired to stay away from pain, and it will do
anything to avoid anything it perceives as difficult. To shift your mindset and
embrace change, you need to be very specific about the words you say and
the things you do. To become the better version of yourself and tap into all
that potential buried underneath a mindset that has been holding you back for
far too long. You’ve yearned for too long to be like those successful
individuals you look up to, and this is where you take your very first step in
that direction.

The mindset you choose to adopt is entirely up to you, but it is extremely

important that you choose the right mindset to chart the course for the rest of
your life. There’s no shortage of research and evidence that clearly shows
how the mindset you choose to adopt can radically alter the way you learn,
how resilient you are, how you handle stress, and the way you create the
success you achieve in your life. To shift your mindset, there are six specific
steps that need to be carried out, all six of which are designed to open your
mind and train to embrace the necessary change needed, no matter how
difficult that change may be.
Step 1: Learning to Meditate
Now that we know the mind determines the experiences in life, what can we
do about it? Often, we’re just focused on taking care of the physical part of
ourselves that we neglect to remember our minds need just as much attention
and care because we don’t realize the extent of what being weighed down by
stress, worry, and anxiety can do to us. These negative emotions are so
powerful that in extreme cases, they can even manifest themselves physically.
The art of meditation has a long history to it. The act of sustaining that
prolonged period of inward focus where it’s just you and your mind can be an
incredible experience. However, a calm mind does not necessarily mean that
your brain is on a break. Surprisingly enough, the act of meditation has a
measurable effect on our brain’s activity.

Consistent meditation disables the distractions we face by filtering it before it

starts to bottleneck. Think of it as a river dam that ensures the right amount of
water gets flowed down to households, industries, and agriculture.
Meditation, in the same way, filters the less important data that we are
exposed to and sends only the necessary and important info into our brain. In
other words, it helps us determine what information should we focus on and
what we do not need to focus on that may cause chronic anxiety. Researches
from Rutgers University and the University of California also conducted
research relating to mindfulness meditation and the effects on cortisol. The
study shows that consistent meditation reduced cortisol dramatically, with
some results showing at least a 50% drop. Daily meditation for even 3
minutes is effective for the brain. Meditation is like the firefighters you call to
extinguish this hormone that brings in so many diseases that can protect your
health and happiness.

Sometime in the 1970s, Harvard physician Herbert Benson looked at the

behaviors of the patients visiting him due to stress-related disorders such as
anxiety. His observation led him to look at ways that he could counteract this
association, simultaneously revolutionizing the mental care industry and
helping people. Dr. Benson’s discovery was the connection between the mind
and body through meditation. It slowed metabolism, reduced the heart rate,
resulted in measured breathing and quieter brainwave activity. All of this
combined brought out the right foundations for healing. Another study
conducted by Dr. Sara Lazar in 2005 was a landmark study that showed the
brains of those who meditated were much thicker and had more folds and
surface area in their prefrontal cortexes. This study is used now by various
neuroscientific and psychological researches as the go-to foundational study
for other mental health issues such as depression. Those who meditate, even
for 10 to 15 minutes a day, are usually anxiety-free, happy, and healthy.

Our thoughts come and go, and through meditation, we can at least focus on
the various emotions with a more structured mind without needing to chase
the rabbit down its never-ending hole. Through meditation, we can build our
mental muscles and allow us to understand the deepest levels of our mind and
connect to our thoughts, emotions, and mind. If you are new to meditation,
you might begin by clearing your mind and focusing your attention on your
breathing. As you do this, your brain’s natural rhythm, which is called brain
waves, begin to shift. Beta Waves, which is the choppy rhythm that is
triggered when there’s active thought happening, steps aside and makes way
for slower Alpha Waves. These Alpha Waves are more prevalent during the
moments when you feel most relaxed. When relaxed, the brain then begins to
produce stronger waves known as Gamma Waves. These waves are
associated with deep concentration.

When scientists compared the brains of Buddhist monks with new meditators,
they discovered that the region of the brain associated with empathy was a lot
more pronounced in the monks who had been regularly meditating for years.
The higher Alpha waves in the minds of these meditators reduced the number
of negative emotions experienced. Studies conducted have discovered that
after 8-weeks of meditation, gray matter in the brain was denser in areas
associated with learning, emotional regulation, and memory processing. The
amygdala, however, which deals with blood pressure and stress, experienced
a decrease in brain matter.
Meditation is probably the single most important skill you can learn in a
world today where stressful stimuli come at you from all angles. Human
beings are the species with the most highly developed brain on the planet,
and because of that, we’re given the gift of being able to create things. We
create technology. We create inventions that make our lives a little bit easier.
We’ve helped to shape the planet into what it is today. Our brain has so much
power; we can even reshape our reality by simply learning how to quiet the
mind and change our brains. When you no longer overthink things or you do
not have to worry or have the feeling of constant fear, or when you stop
worrying endlessly about what the future holds, you get to experience a
silence that is intoxicating. Meditation allows your mind to explore this side
of your natural state, the stillness that is true and pure.

Image Source: Hingori Sutras

Step 2: Make Personal Development a Priority for Yourself

Life is always changing, and if you don’t change along with it, you’re going
to find yourself stuck in one place while everyone else around you seems to
be moving forwards and upwards. Personal development is the way we
upgrade ourselves. It is the way we learn, the way we develop new skills, the
way we learn to understand how our minds work. In short, personal
development ensures that you’re not left behind while life passes you by,
taking the opportunities you missed out on along with it. Think of it as a
training technique for your brain, where each new personal development is a
new way of teaching your brain how to perform better. All the new skills you
learn will help you get from Point A to Point B in a lot less time so you can
then make the most out of your time.

It’s easy to see who are the ones out there that make personal development a
priority. They are the ones who have achieved monumental success in their
lives. The ones that we look up to and aspire to be, the ones who are
successes in the industries that they command. More importantly, they are the
ones who did not let any obstacle stand in their way and hold them back. This
is the one thing that sets them apart, and it was having the right mindset.
That’s all it took for them to stand out.

Now, personal development can only be achieved if self-awareness exists.

Before you can even begin comprehending and relating to your internal self
and external environment, you must first understand yourself. Self-awareness
is the ability to clearly see all the different aspects that contribute to the
personality that you have. It means paying attention to the way that your
body responds to certain triggers, how it feels and reacts when it experiences
certain emotions, and generally how you respond to the stimuli of your
surroundings. Being someone who’s self-aware means you’re less likely to be
caught off guard or unprepared when something doesn’t go your way.
Developing an acute level of self-awareness is how you stop yourself from
repeating the mistakes of the past, and how you prevent yourself from
reacting inappropriately when you feel overwhelmed or under pressure.
Personal development is also about what you choose to fill your mind with.
Just because you left school a long time ago, it does not mean your education
has come to an end. The number one problem that many people struggle with
when it comes to shifting their mindset is that they think they are done with
education. As a result, they no longer try as hard to learn, not realizing that
learning is a lifelong process that never stops. Therefore, we continue having
a lot of problems. We have problems with relationships, our finances, our
career, our social skills, we have trouble with forgiveness. We have problems
because we don’t make personal development a priority.

There’s a lot of different areas of personal development that you could look
into. Love, people, time, money, education, friendships, career, the list goes
on. But the most important areas of personal development you could focus on
yourself first. To focus on creating the best version of yourself and working
on the areas of your life which may not be so great just yet and figuring out
what you can do to make it better. Focus on growing as a person, expanding
your reach and capabilities, pushing past the boundaries that once made you
uncomfortable to see just how far you can go. Your personal development is
an investment. A quote by Jim Rohn tells us that we need to work on
ourselves harder than we work at our jobs, and that quote holds the absolute
truth. By working on yourself, you’re giving yourself the tools and skills you
need to make you a more capable and valuable individual. This is the kind of
mindset that takes you from where you are to where you want to be.

Step 3: Retraining Your Brain by Noticing 3 Positive Changes Per Day

Whether this change turns out positive or otherwise, comes down to the way
you handle yourself, your emotions, and the way that you relate to others in a
high-pressured or challenging situation. Our brain is a gift. If we don’t
cherish our brains and take care of it the way it deserves, it won’t be long
before we start to break down emotionally and mentally. You won’t feel it at
first or realize that it is happening until it’s too late to do anything about it.
Your mind is the vehicle that you are going to journey through life with, and
you must take care of it both on the inside and out for better health
physically, emotionally, and of course, mentally.

We possess a natural ability to be aware, yet it is one of the most overlooked

tools we have readily available to help us cope with the everyday stressors we
encounter with our daily routine. To begin training the brain to recognize
positivity, we need to tap into our senses, thoughts, and current emotions,
training our minds to pay attention to our surroundings. Can you name three
positive things that happened to you today? That’s all you need to start with.
If you can name more than three, that’s wonderful! Name as many as you’d
like. As you go about your day, use awareness and mindfulness to notice
everything that’s happening around you. The minute something good
happens, tell your brain, “Oh, look! That’s something positive that
happened!” and keep doing this repeatedly until you’ve trained your brain to
easily recognize the signs of positivity.

This daily habit won’t just rewire your brain and train it to focus on the good
rather than it bad, but it also creates a sense of gratitude and peace. It’s
impossible not to feel happy when you see something good happening.
Remember how the brain likes pleasure over pain? This is how you train it to
actively seek out positive experiences.

Step 4: Focusing on Your Short, Medium and Long-Term Vision

Your vision is the better life that you see for yourself. The life that you want
to help create. For example, you could say, “I envision a life where I am the
one in control of my mind and my brain.” A vision is about the “big picture.”
That’s what separates it from a goal, which is more tangible, measurable, and
quantifiable. Goals are the steps that help you accomplish your vision. We all
have different dreams, different visions of what our golden years would look
like. But for this mindset shift to work, you need to focus on the vision that
works for you.
“Your vision will only start to become clearer when you start looking into
your own heart.” Those wise words were spoken by Carl Jung. When you
look into your heart, what kind of life do you see for yourself? What would it
be like to live a life where you’re the one in charge of your destiny, not your
thoughts? You need to make a list of what your short, medium and long-term
vision are for this journey you’re about to begin and to stay focused on your
vision; you need to make visualization a regular habit. Visualization is a
mental exercise, which means you are going to start working at it before you
can begin grasping the benefits of this method.

The act of visualization is more than just being able to paint a pretty picture
in your mind that brings a smile to your face. It’s about connecting your
present self now to the person in that not too distant future, which will then
lead you to start thinking about how and what you can do to make that vision
come true. By knowing what you want in the future, you can start thinking
about the action steps which need to be taken right now to get you one step
closer. The more details you can put into this visualized image, the better
you’ll be able to think about how you’re going to make it happen.

Even better, if you really want to hone in on your vision and stay as focused
as possible, consider creating a vision board of your dream life and put it
somewhere in your home where you could look at it every day. A vision
board serves as a reminder that this is what you’re working towards. On this
board could be a collection of everything that motivates and inspires you to
keep going, and you’ll know you have created the perfect vision board when
you feel moved to take some action each time that you look at it.
Image Source: from Kain Ramsay’s “Dynamic Life Planning Workbook”

Step 5: Do the Dirty Work Yourself

If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself, but if you
don’t know how to do it. The next smartest thing to do is to work with
someone who does. The new mindset you need to adopt now is this: No
matter what you want to accomplish in life, if you want to succeed, you need
to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. In other words, you’re going to
have to learn to be okay doing things you don’t want to do. Bringing about
positive changes in life is going to be hard work. You might have to do things
your brain does not necessarily like (since it favors ease). Anything that is
worth having in life will require that you do things you don’t want to do. That
sounds hard right from the start, but the thing is, it doesn’t have to be.

You don’t need to take your thoughts seriously. You don’t need to pay
attention or engage with every thought that pops into your head, especially if
the negative ones. You don’t need to perceive every thought you have as the
truth. You are not your thoughts. Treat your mind like a suggestion box, and
you get to choose which thoughts are going to benefit you most while
discarding the rest. When your mind tries to suggest a negative thought,
simply thank it for the suggestion, and then move on. When most people
reject discomfort, what they are actually rejecting is their perception of
discomfort. Since your beliefs determine your response, what you choose to
believe is within your control. Your brain is no doubt going to try and talk
you out of doing any hard work because it does not want to venture out of its
comfort zone. But anytime you feel discomfort, it means you’re doing
something right. When you feel discomfort, it’s a signal that you should keep
going because you’re training your brain to get stronger with every challenge
you force it to overcome.

Overcoming your brain is something you’re going to have to work hard on,
and you’re going to have to do the “dirty work” on your own. No one else
can do it for you.

Step 6: Listen to Trusted Outside Perspectives

Not all problems can be solved alone. Sometimes, you need to know when to
ask for help or when to seek the counsel of others. It’s important to learn how
to talk about your struggles because you can’t avoid problems and issues
forever. There is no “wishing it would go away” or sweeping it under the rug
and pretending like it doesn’t exist. The more you ignore your problems, the
harder they will be to fix. The more you try to run away from your troubles,
the harder it will be for your brain to try and shift its mindset. Having
someone you trust to talk about your feelings with can feel good. Open the
door to all those feelings you’ve been holding inside and let it burst forth.
Talking about it out loud is a way of channeling the stress externally, so the
tension is not built-up inside you. It is difficult to change a mind that is too
consumed and focused on nothing else but stress, so that problem needs to be
fixed first before you work on anything else.

Talking things out and learning to trust the perspectives of others can be a
helpful exercise in reducing the stressful thoughts you have since talking
things over helps you see things in a different light. Sometimes the person
you’re talking too could put things into perspective and give you the clarity
you need to find a workable solution to your problem. There’s nothing that
reminds you of how much you have to be grateful for quite like connecting
with the people you love. The people who love you in return. The ones who
make you feel safe, secure, and understood. Connecting with your loved ones
is a natural stress reliever for both the mind and body. They may not be able
to fix your stress entirely, but being in their company, talking about
something else other than your worries, maybe even laughing and having a
good time, can wash away all the unpleasant thoughts you were struggling to
shake.

When things start to feel too much, seek comfort in connecting with loved
ones. Find someone you can trust and talk to them about how you feel.
Sometimes it helps to just get it off your chest. Learning to trust others, their
advice, judgment, and perspective have the additional benefit of encouraging
the use of positive speech. Which is especially beneficial in a romantic
relationship. Learning to talk about the difficult things can be much easier if
both you adopt the approach to only use positive language during the
conversation. Being mindful of how damaging and powerful the wrong
choice of words can be, let’s think carefully before you speak instead of just
blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. Phrases like “I hear what
you’re saying and I value what you have to say” or “I know this is difficult to
talk about, but I’m here to support you let’s work through this together” are
examples of some great positive language that can be used to help control the
conversation and steer it in the right direction. It minimizes the chances of
things escalating and getting out of hand. You’re also less likely to
experience those moments when you wish you could take back what you
said.
 Chapter 114: 10 Other Things You Can Do to
Change Your Brain

What would life be like if you could overcome your anxieties? Your fears?
Your depression? Pretty incredible, most likely. The human brain is an
extraordinary thing. What would your life be like if you were the one in
control of your brain again, instead of the other way around? You’ve
probably tried several times before this to overcome your brain but had very
little success. That’s because, like most people, you probably focused on
addressing the problem rather than tackle the underlying issue that causes the
problem in the first place. In this case, it is our thoughts and our perceptions
that are creating trouble.

We think we’ve discovered all there is to know about it, yet scientists
continue to learn new and fascinating facts about the way our mind works.

1: Believe You Can Change Your Brain

It’s time to start believing in the power of your thoughts. Your thoughts can
be a powerful driver, one that – if harnessed correctly – will drive you all the
way to your goals and the life that you want. The power of believing in
yourself can give you the determination and the ability to do things you
would never have thought you could before. Believing that your brain can
change will bring you so much desire to succeed that you become willing to
do whatever it takes to make it happen. More importantly, you will no longer
feel tempted to give in to that desire to quit because you’re now fueled by
positive thoughts and energy which feeds into your soul. By believing you
have the power to change your mind because you’re stronger than you give
yourself credit for, it turns out you can indeed change your brain.

Carol Dweck talks about the incredible power of believing in yourself by

highlighting how children who were taught that they didn’t know how to pass
a test or solve a problem yet were the ones who were more willing to learn.
By simply using the words “not yet,” the children display greater levels of
confidence and showed a willingness to persist. In short, the words yet and
not yet changed the perception and the mindsets of the students. Each time
you push beyond your comfort zone and show a willingness to try something
new, you’re forming stronger new connections in the brain. As you
repeatedly engage in this kind of behavior, those connections only grow
stronger with time, thus changing the structure of the brain. All through the
incredible power of self-belief.

Image Source: I Love Ugly

2: Regular Exercise
We all know that exercise makes us feel better. But if you asked us why most
people would be stumped for an accurate answer. We assume it's because
we're burning off stress or boosting endorphins. But the real reason we feel so
good when we exercise is that exercising makes the brain function at its best.
In today's technology-driven plasma screen the world, it's easy to forget that
we were born to move. Nowadays, we spend most of our time sitting behind
the desk or lying on the couch, and we have basically removed a lot of
movement from our lives. This has become a norm in the past century, but
we must remember that we didn't evolve for this type of sedentary lifestyle,
we evolved as hunter-gatherers.

Exercise has always been associated with losing weight more so than
anything else, but that only touches the tip of the iceberg. There’s so much to
be gained from physical activity, yet most of the incredible benefits are
overlooked because most of us are only focused on one thing: Weight loss.
That is it. But dig deeper, and you’ll realize exercise is one of the few
activities that have an immediate, positive benefit for the brain. This includes
an immediate improvement in your focus and your mood. What happens to
your brain when you exercise can protect it from different mental health
conditions like depression, dementia, or Alzheimer’s disease. That is how
powerful physical activity can be. By simply moving your body, that one act
has immediate, long-lasting and protective benefits for your brain which last
for the rest of your life. That’s incredible. But why is exercise the most
transformative thing that we can do for our brains?

By now, we’ve established that the brain is both a powerful and the most
complex structure known to mankind. In a book called Spark by Jordan Ratey
published in 2008, he proved that exercises and more effects on your brain
than any other parts of your body. Exercise tends to be a secret recipe to
boost your motivation, focus, and memory. Almost as though it were a magic
pill that instantly boosts your brain capabilities. The human brain is not a
fixed organ that cannot be changed. Quite the contrary, it is a highly
adaptable organ that changed exactly like any other muscle on your body.
When you lift weights, for example, you strengthen your arms, and the more
you use it, the stronger and more flexible your arms muscles become.

Our brain is the most important organ in your body. Everything we do, think,
and feel is governed by how our brain cells or neurons are connected to each
other. They connect to each other through neurotransmitters, specifically the
following three:

Dopamine - This neurotransmitter that's responsible for your

motivation, and it keeps your brain looking for rewards, so you
stay motivated. If you ever been hit by a burst of inspiration to do
anything, it’s because of the dopamine in your brain. On the other
hand, when you feel a lack of desire to do anything, your
dopamine levels are running low. Research reveals that exercise
has proven highly effective as a natural booster for your dopamine
levels.

Serotonin - Think of this neurotransmitter as your brain’s

policeman. It influences your mood, anger, and aggressiveness,
and helps to keep your brain activity under control. In other words,
if you feel anxious and depressed or stressed out, that’s probably
because your serotonin level is low. Exercise, as research shows, is
a natural way of boosting the levels of serotonin in your brain
without having to rely on any drugs to do it.

Norepinephrine - This neurotransmitter is responsible for your

attention and focus. When you struggle to do either, it’s like your
norepinephrine levels are low.

If your first response is “I’m so busy where do I find the time to exercise?”,
you’ll be happy to learn that there is a way to maximize your exercise
benefits in the least amount of time possible. High-intensity aerobic exercise
is the best way to go. This involves running jump rope, anything to get your
heart rate up all the way up to 80% of its maximum rate. It's even better if the
activity involves some complex motor movements. The optimal daily dose of
exercise would be approximately 20 to 40 minutes in the morning.

3: Minimize Caffeine Intake

Coffee drinkers everywhere are probably recoiling in horror at the very idea,
but if you’re serious about your efforts to change your brain for good,
caffeine is something that is going to have to go. Or, at the very least,
minimize the consumption you take in a day. This is because caffeine intake,
especially if it is done in excess, can mimic the symptoms of anxiety which
include an increased or accelerated heart rate, feelings of panic and
anxiousness, and even feeling jittery. Caffeine can also impact your sleep
cycle, and if you do not get enough sleep, your anxiety levels are going to
remain on high alert which is going to make it much harder for you to
overcome. After all, there’s a reason why it’s classified as a “drug.”

It’s easy to understand why we’ve become addicted to our morning cup of
coffee. Next to oil, caffeine is the second most traded substance in the world.
Most of us can’t imagine starting the day without our regular Cup of Joe. it
keeps us active, awake, and gives us that boost of energy we need to be on
the go. But how exactly does coffee affect the brain? When we’re awake, a
chemical called adenosine accumulates slowing in the brain. This chemical
is responsible for binding the receptors in the brain, slowing down its
activity. As the day goes on, more adenosine is accumulated, and that’s why
we feel progressively tired as the day progresses. The more adenosine you
have in the brain, the more tired you’re going to feel. When we’re asleep, our
adenosine levels gradually decline, eventually leading to wakefulness once
the mind and body have had enough rest.

Caffeine’s structure is similar to that of adenosine, meaning when you

consume caffeine, it competes and binds with the waiting adenosine
receptors. However, since caffeine is not adenosine, you don’t feel the effects
of the sleepiness, thereby explaining why we feel alert and awake after those
first few sips of warm liquid. But the downside is because you don’t feel the
effects of the sleepiness created by adenosine, the calming properties that are
supposed to be brought on by sleepiness are not there either. With long-term
use, your brain tries to compensate for this by creating more adenosine
receptors, which in turn leads to more caffeine consumption to try and “stay
awake.” Caffeine is addictive and trying to quit is almost as hard as it is to try
and quit smoking. Because caffeine impacts your brain’s dopamine levels by
stopping the reabsorption process, it makes you feel happy. The effects you
get are similar to that of cocaine, except you’re experiencing it to a lesser
degree.

4: Being One with Nature

American biologist Edward O. Wilson in 1984 wrote about our deep primal
need to affiliate with nature and the natural world and coined the term
biophilia hypothesis. It is the idea that all of us have an innate tendency to
seek out the connection we have with nature and other life forms. Wilson
described it as a “passionate love of life and everything that is alive,” and he
proposed that this affiliation we have with nature is part of our genetics. As
we’ve become an even more urban species, biophilia is now more important
than ever. More people today are living in cities than outside of it and the
trend only continues to accelerate as people keep moving to big cities “where
the jobs are.” We have become an “indoor generation,” and the average
American today spends approximately 90% of their time indoors.

This radical shift in lifestyle has taken a toll on our minds and bodies. The
physical side effects are easier to spot than the mental ones. Myopia, for
example, which happens you don't get enough sunlight on your eyeballs, and
they grow longer. Obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular diseases have all been
linked to spending far too much time being sedentary indoors. To change our
brains, we need to go back to nature and immerse ourselves in this
multisensory therapy. Nature is full of wonders, from incredible sounds,
tastes, textures, colors, shapes, and sizes. Being immersed in nature can be
completely exhilarating and rejuvenating, and it is exactly what your
overworked mind needs if you’ve been struggling to overcome negativity for
a while now.

Rachel and Steven Kaplan from the University of Michigan put forth a
prevailing theory about how spending time in nature can help us restore
ourselves. Their theory is called the Attention Restoration Theory. They
believe that by spending some time outdoors, like when watching the
beautiful colors across the sky as the sun sets or gaze out at the serenity of the
ocean, sitting at the park listening to the birds sing or going for a walk in the
countryside is the much-needed therapy our brains need to reflect, rest, and
restore ourselves. Even if you spent a few minutes every day looking out the
window at the trees or a park, your mind is restoring itself, and that’s the
incredible power of what nature can do. As we go through life, our brain
actually undergoes extraordinary development. It's the most adaptive organ in
our body and it can change both positively and negatively by our thoughts,
actions, and experiences. If you want to change your brain, feed it with
positive experiences and spend more time outdoors disconnecting from the
digital world.

5: The Power of Meditation

The incredible benefits of meditation are common knowledge. We’ve known
for decades now that meditation can improve someone's physical and mental
health, relieve stress, elevate mood, and even lower blood pressure levels. As
more people are starting to realize its benefits on the brain, neuroscientists
continue to study how meditation creates changes in brain structure and
rewires our neural circuits by eliminating the connections we don’t use that
often while simultaneously strengthening the ones we do. By now, there’s
enough evidence to confidently suggest that the claims about the many
benefits of meditation are no longer just flukes.

Studies that have been done suggest that meditation plays a role in
contributing to the density of the hippocampus. This area of the brain is
crucial for memory retention and tends to shrink as we age, but it turns out
meditation can counteract those effects. Meditating for just 10 to 20 minutes
a day is all you need to start restructuring and changing your brain. After
several weeks of consistent meditation, you’ll notice that you start to feel a
lot calmer. You’re more focused and calm under pressure, able to handle
situations that would have ordinarily stressed you out. Both yoga and
meditation are extremely effective for decreasing stress. They're particularly
effective at reducing symptoms associated with numerous diseases, including
depression, anxiety, pain, insomnia. With consistent practice, it can actually
improve your ability to pay attention, and there’s no shortage of studies that
show people are happier and a lot more satisfied with their life when they
regularly meditated.

Meditation is transformational. It doesn’t just calm the mind; it changes who

you are. Research participants who were put through an eight-week
meditation-based Stress Reduction Program and told to meditate every day
for 30 to 40 minutes experienced an enlargement in several areas of the brain;
the hippocampus is one of them. What was even more interesting was how
the change in gray matter was correlated with the change in stress. To
experience the full benefits of all that meditation has to offer, you need to
stick to it. It’s not a one-off practice you only turn to when you need it. It’s a
lifelong practice.

When your body is overwhelmed by stress and anxiety, your brain begins
flooding it with chemicals. These chemicals then activate the fight or flight
response in your system, and those who struggle with anxiety remained in
this heightened state of alertness and stress for a prolonged period. Our
bodies are not meant to endure this, and it can quickly wear you down
mentally and emotionally. Meditation has the opposite effect by inducing the
relaxation response. The human mind has been referred to as the “monkey
mind,” with endless chattering and thoughts that are jumping around similar
to a room full of monkeys. Meditation is the only way to learn how to
manage them because the practice itself encourages mindfulness and
awareness of every thought that takes place in the brain. Once you become
the master of your thoughts, your brain becomes submissive and peaceful.

6: Getting Enough Sleep

It cannot be emphasized enough how important it is to get enough sleep at
night. It’s not just because you’ll feel tired in the morning or grumpy
throughout the day if you don’t. A lack of sleep actually stops the brain from
being able to initially make new memories. Imagine your brain was like an
inbox. Without sleep, the memory in that inbox begins to shut down, making
it impossible to remember anything, focus, or commit new experiences to
memory. This means any new, incoming information is going to get bounced
back because your brain can’t absorb it anymore. It’ll leave you feeling like
an amnesic when you can't essentially make and create those new memories.

This is what happens to the sleep-deprived brain:

 You become emotional and on edge. When you’re operating in a
tired, burned-out mode running on little to no sleep, it doesn’t take
much for something to set you off. Difficulty sleeping can be
attributed to worrying too much, and sleep deprivation can cause
you to feel a lot more irritable than you normally would.

When the brain doesn’t get the sleep it needs, a toxic protein called
the beta-amyloid is developed. This protein is associated with
Alzheimer's disease, and without the proper deep sleep needed at
night, the brain can’t wash away the toxin and repair itself. The
protein begins to build up and increase your risk of dementia in
later life.

Your reproductive system is affected. Men who only get 5-6 hours
of sleep at night have the testosterone levels equivalent to
someone who is 10 years older than they are.

A lack of sleep could also act as a potential trigger for a short fuse.
Have you ever noticed how things seem much harder or require
more effort when you’re feeling tired and fatigued from lack of
sleep? You feel cranky, irritable, and even the smallest of things
seem like a big deal. That is because your body is tired, your
nerves are frayed, and a lack of sleep makes you less efficient than
what you normally would be. It doesn’t take much to set your
temper off when you’re sleep-deprived.

Without proper sleep, you’ll age a lot faster, and your immune
system grows weaker, making it easier for you to fall prey to
bacteria and viruses. There’s a strong link between poor quality
sleep and cancer that the World Health Organization is now
classifying working the night shift as potential carcinogens.

Your body and your brain need sleep to restore itself at night. Overcoming
your brain and changing the way you think is not an easy task. It takes a lot
of brainpower and energy, so it is important to give yourself a break
whenever you need it.

7: Regular Reading
Reading is almost like a lost art these days. After all, why read when you
could easily watch a quick video summary of the book that highlights enough
of the important key points you need. You get to save time this way, isn’t that
just as effective? Not exactly. The brain is like every other muscle and other
than music, it needs reading to keep it stimulated. This is what happens to
your brain when you read:

Your focus improves

 You concentrate better
Your mind absorbs the finer details of the story
You forget your worries when you lose yourself in the story

Concentration is a big problem for a lot of people these days. Try spending
half an hour away from your phone. Would you be able to do it? How long
into that half an hour period will it be before your mind starts to think about
how many notifications you’ve got or whether anyone tried to call you? On
average, most people divide their time between their tasks. They check their
emails while browsing social media. They chat with their colleagues while
trying to finish an email. The biggest distraction of all? Our mobile phones.

When you read, you’re transported to a different world. Even with a mind
that is overworked and anxious. A 2009 study showed reading was the most
effective way to overcome stress, beating out old favorites such as listening
to music, enjoying a cup of tea or coffee, or even taking a walk, measured by
evaluating heart rate and muscle tension. Participants in the study only took
six minutes before their minds started to slow down and relax as soon as they
began turning the pages of the book. Plus, everything you read is filling your
head with new knowledge and information. The more well-read you are, the
better equipped you will be to handle any challenges that come your way.

Reading is extremely beneficial for your brain, and it costs you nothing to do
it. You already know this skill; all you need to do now is put it to good use
and use it to change your brain and your perception. In 2013 there was a
series of experiments. As done by two New York psychologists and David
Kidd and Emmanuel Capstone. What they did was take people and ask them
to requite short passages from various types of books. Some of them are
nonfiction books explanatory or learning books. Some of them are sort of
thrillers plots, where you really bad events happening in the story, but not
very much about the people you weren't inside their heads. The third source
was the sort of fiction which involves reading things from the perspective of
the characters. As the researchers studied their brain activity, what they found
was that those who struggled with relationships and social skills were the
ones who were limited by their imagination. They simply did not have the
ability to step outside themselves and had a difficult time imagining anything.
Therefore, to create a shift in your mindset, you need to focus on reading
material that encourages you to think outside the box.

8: Music for the Soul

Previously, it was thought that music was processed on the right side of the
brain’s hemisphere, but more recent research shows that music has the ability
to affect all parts of our brain. It’s interesting to see how some patients with
brain damage couldn’t retain their ability to read the contents of a newspaper
but somehow remember how to read music. Or the way certain people lack
the fine motor skills needed to do up the buttons of their sweater yet could
play the piano with ease. Music has an almost healing, therapeutic effect on
the brain, capable of altering our moods and our feelings. Music, in fact,
stimulates the formation of certain chemicals in the brain. A perfect example
to illustrate this point would be to observe the choice of music in movies. If
you notice, it’s not the scene that tells us how to feel; it’s the music. With the
right music in certain scenes, particularly the ones where the actors are not
talking, the audience might be unclear about how they should feel or even
understand what’s going on. In a typical action or fight scene, it is the music
that makes the scene epic, not so much the scene itself.

We tend to respond differently to happy and sad melodies. In one study that
was conducted, it revealed that participants were more likely to interpret
neutral expressions as sad expressions if the music they heard was sad. On
the other hand, if it was happy music they heard, then they were more likely
to perceive neutral expressions as happy instead. Dopamine is released in the
brain when music is played, which is responsible for the satisfying feeling we
get after listening to our favorite songs. Here’s something interesting. When a
person feels sad, they often find themselves listening to sad music, and
surprisingly, that actually helps them feel better. Why? Because most of the
time, when we feel sad or miserable, it’s because we feel alone or
misunderstood. Like no one understands us and we’re all alone in the world.
Listening to happy music, in this case, could end up making you feel worse
because there’s no attachment or anything that you can relate to. However,
when you listen to sad music, your brain believes that the musician
understands how you feel and being able to relate to the music helps to
elevate your mood.

Listening to music, as it turns out, is similar to a full-body workout routine

for your brain. However, given that our brains are as unique as our
personalities, music does not affect everyone’s brain in the same way. What
one person enjoys might be someone else’s idea of noise. Music that relaxes
you and makes you feel happy could simultaneously make someone else feel
bored. The best remedy for your brain would be to listen to the kind of music
that works for you, particularly the ones that make you feel good. When
you’re stressed, overworked, anxious, depressed, or struggling with
negativity, turning to your favorite playlist could be the shift in mindset that
you need.
Image Source: Polyclinique de l’Oreille

9: Avoid Multitasking
Trying to do two (or several) things at once is the quickest way to ensure
you’re not doing anything well at all. Multitasking is not for everyone, and
just because someone you know may be doing it, it doesn’t necessarily mean
it may be as effective for you as it is for them. Despite what society is trying
to tell you, the human brain was not made for multitasking. When you try to
handle more than a single task at a time, you either can’t or won’t do either
task well. You think you’re trying to save time, but really all you’re doing is
hampering your productivity.

Today, the expectation is you need to multi-task if you want to get several
things done at once, but your poor, overworked brain needs enough time to
focus on what it’s doing, or you’re going to feel mentally stuck.
Unfortunately, the pressure of juggling multiple responsibilities has turned
multitasking into an acceptable thing these days. There are numerous articles
on the Internet that will try to convince you multitasking is a prized skill.
Some employers even list it as part of the job requirements when
interviewing new candidates. This false perception that multitasking is
acceptable has only increased the amount of pressure and stress that is felt,
keeping your brain in a prolonged fight or flight state of mind.

Truth be told, multitasking is ineffective in the long-run, and rather than

promote better concentration; it promotes anxiety instead. When you’re
chasing the clock instead of focusing on what you’re supposed to be doing,
you get nervous, flustered and anxious when you notice you’re running out of
time. In the haste to meet the self- imposed time deadline you’ve set for
yourself, your focus dissipates. Mistakes get made, crucial information gets
overlooked, and you’re feeling emotional from the pressure of rushing to
meet your time goal so you can move onto your next task.

Our brains have a deliberate system, and while we may think we’re handling
tasks and completing them in a parallel manner, what the brain is actually
doing is switching your attention back and forth between each activity. When
you move from one task to the next, you can’t pick up exactly where you left
off. There’s a reason for this. In 2009, a professor from the University of
Minnesota, Sophie Leroy, introduced the concept of attention residue. When
you move from A to B, your attention does not immediately do the same
thing. While you’re already getting started on B, your mind is still lingering
on A, meaning that your attention is divided, and you’re not as focused as
you think you are.

Build a better mindset by knowing what works for you. If multitasking is just
going to make you feel more overwhelmed than ever, then what you’re doing
is going to be counterproductive, instead of productive. Don’t try to handle
several things at once if this style of working isn’t a good fit for you, focus on
one thing at a time and get it done before moving onto the next if it’s going to
make you more productive.

10: A Grateful Heart and Mind

Oprah Winfrey once said: “When you stop to look at what you have in your
life, that is when you’ll have more. If you only look at what you don’t have,
then you will never have enough.” Tony Robbins quoted something similar
when he said: “When you’re grateful, that’s when your fear disappears and
abundance happens.” Gratitude is the attitude that brings success. day.
Gratitude is one of the healthiest positive emotions that we can feel as a
person. If you observed how those who are always grateful every day
somehow seem like they are more resilient to stress, that’s an example of
how powerful a grateful heart and mind can be.

Out of all the 10 steps talked about in this chapter, this is by far the easiest to
begin implementing immediately. The effects are instantaneous too. Not only
does gratitude actively remind you of the things you have to be grateful for,
but when you actively remind yourself of all the good experiences you have
in your life, it eventually helps to magnify positive thoughts and soon, the
positive thoughts will eventually be strong enough to overpower the negative
and toxic emotions. Studies have been done on the subject of gratitude, and it
has proven that this is an immensely powerful tool in developing a sense of
happiness and wellbeing. It’s hard to remain pessimistic when you think
about all the blessings you have in your life. If you woke up this morning and
you can think about more than one thing that you are grateful for, then you
are a very blessed person and it’s time to remind yourself of that every day.
 Chapter 115: How Do I Get Smarter?

Is it possible that we could get smarter? Does knowledge itself make you a
smarter person? What about all those brain-teasing puzzles and games? Do
they actually do anything to improve your cognitive abilities? Let’s explore
the idea of intelligence and the way that it is defined and measured. How
much do we know about makes one brain intelligent if compared to another?
No structure of biochemistry exists that can pinpoint exactly and say for
certain this is what makes someone smart. The brain is made up of billions of
cells, and as we know, different areas of the brain are responsible for
different functions. A lot going on inside your brain.

Keeping Your Brain in Peak Condition

Increasing your focus, mental clarity, concentration, memory power. We
want to do all of this, but the question is how? How do we keep our brains in
peak condition, so we become strategic, logical, analytical thinkers who are
primed for success in both our personal and professional lives? A strategic
mindset helps you stay on the path to success, a skill that is going to be
particularly useful when you’re working in a demanding and volatile career.
One minute you may have to make decisions on-the-fly, and other times you
need to maintain a rational and level head. Strategic thinking is how you keep
yourself prepared and ready to respond the way that you need to. Even if
you’re not a successful entrepreneur or business person, strategic thinking is
a skill set that is going to serve you well in your job and perhaps other facets
of your life where you might need it.

Strategic, logical thinkers have an advantage over everyone else. Not only are
they smarter and more analytical, they know how to maximize their strengths
and efficiency, using them as leverage to help them get one step ahead of
everyone else. Training their brains to think like a strategist has allowed them
to plan what the next logical steps are and figure out what the most direct
route to success is going to be. The added benefit of training your brain to
think smarter is you learn to develop problem-solving skills. These skills
make you think about approaching one problem from multiple avenues with
the goal of applying the most productive, effective, and logical approach to
resolve the problem. You’ll learn how to comprehend the problem at stake
and this, in turn, gives you a deeper understanding of their personal and
professional goals.

Smart thinkers don’t take anything for granted. They consider every option,
every possibility, and every avenue carefully before making a move. They
question, they analyze, they evaluate, and they don’t limit themselves to a
rigid way of responding to maximize their effectiveness. They think outside
the box and come up with solutions no one else might have even considered,
thanks to this skill. By learning how to think smarter, the ideas that you are
going to bring to the table are going to be innovative and fresh, and often
yield better results than what the traditional approach might have brought.
Developing this skill will allow you to focus on developing and sourcing new
and better opportunities while challenging the normal assumptions, and the
solutions you come up with will hold greater value, thanks to your ability to
think creatively outside the box.

Now, there are six mental strategies that can put you on the path to thinking
smarter, but before you can do that, you need to understand something about
the human brain. To become smart thinking strategist we want to be, we need
to learn how to engage the entire brain in the process. The brain is all about
making connections, and to think smarter, there are two types of thinking you
need to tap into:

Divergent Thinking - Observing the bigger picture and then work

on generating ideas.
 Convergent Thinking - Examining and rearranging these ideas in
a rational manner.

Both of these types of thinking can be cultivated through regular brain

training exercises and the mental strategies which will be covered below.
Studies claim the most innovative type of thinkers is the ones who can
quickly switch between these two thinking styles. To make that quick
transition, you need to use your entire brain and make conscious decisions to
alternate from one style of thinking to the next. The Six Thinking Hats
technique was pioneered by Edward De Bono, and it is a technique that
capitalizes on this ability. De Bono’s approach was to confront the problem
using “six different hats” and reflect using the divergent and convergent
thinking. In other words, you need to be an active participant in the thinking
process to use your entire brain.
 Image Source: We are IVE

Mental Strategy 1: Read Every Day

American entrepreneur Jim Rohn once said: “You are the average of the five
people that you surround yourself with.” There is a lot of truth to this
statement. If you look at the five people you’re closest to right now, how
would you describe them? Are they successful? Do they prefer to take it easy
and sail through life hoping for the best? Are they ambitious or complacent?
Committed or unreliable? If they happen to be people who don’t exactly have
specific goals, dreams or a purpose they are working toward, chances are
you’re probably on the same level as they are. But if your closest companions
are ambitious, driven, and motivated, there’s a good chance you’re just like
them too. There are a lot of factors that influence who we are as human
beings. Our environment is one of them. We copy each other and we excel at
this trait, which is how slangs, accents, traditions, and cultures came about.
People who spend enough time together start adopting each other’s habits and
mindsets.

It comes as no surprise then that a lot of successful individuals have

attributed a lot of their success to their mentors. People whom they learned
from and emulated. Mark Zuckerberg looked up to Steve Jobs. Martin Luther
King found a wonderful mentor in Gandhi. Bill Gates learned a lot from his
time with Warren Buffet. One of the few things successful people have in
common is that they always have at least one person in their social sphere
who is already a success. These are the people they learned from, whose
habits and mindsets they adopted. Now, you might be thinking, “I don’t have
anyone successful in my life. I can spend a lot of time with and learn from,”
but you would be wrong about that. You have books.

A book is your gateway into the mindsets of the successful and the wealthy.
It is packed with ideas, strategies, tips, suggestions, advice based on firsthand
experience. Successful people have taken all their knowledge and packaged it
into a convenient, easy to carry a book that you can bring with you anywhere
you go. Any time you need a burst of inspiration, pick up the book and
immerse yourself in their world. It is as good as having the person there
speaking directly to you. At least 75% of self-made millionaires reportedly
make it a point to read at least two books a month.

Reading books is the most obvious way to enrich your vocabulary and,
simultaneously, your intelligence. It is the easiest way you get to pick and
choose who you want to learn from and whose ideas and words of wisdom
are going to influence you the most. Every bit of information you read is
going to shape your mindset and perception. This is the easiest self-
development tool that you can use to your benefit.

Mental Strategy 2: Brain Games

Brain games are a popular way of challenging your mind. From Sudoku,
scrabble, crossword puzzles, math’s problems, and more, nothing fills you
with a sense of triumph, quite like solving a particularly hard crossword or
Sudoku puzzle with no help. These complex puzzles are brain food that fuels
your ability to think logically as you scan your brain trying to figure out the
answers with the small set of clues you’ve been given in the crossword
puzzle. Sudoku puzzles encourage you to harness your analytical and
mathematical thinking abilities. Combine these skills together and you’re
well on your way to becoming a logical master. These activities stimulate
thinking and activities like these are an enjoyable way to improve your
brainpower.

One game has managed to withstand the test of time. This same game has
survived for so long because it has been shown to stimulate more cognitive
improvement than any other. That game is chess, and it’s been around for
nearly 1500 years. People around the world have, at one time or another, tried
their hand at this complex mind game. For a long time, this game was
exclusively played only by royalty or other members of high society. A game
where two opponents manipulate a set of 16 pieces to try and outthink and
outmaneuver their opponent. The game grew in popularity because of its
strategic diversity and intricacy. It keeps the brain sharp by forcing you to
think several steps ahead and plan your moves if you’re going to win. To
checkmate your opponent, you’ll have to apply creative thinking to
seemingly complex problems.

Here’s how chess affects your brain. You’ll need to rely on your short-term
memory to quickly process the moves your opponent makes. You’ll then
need to tap into your long-term memory regurgitate any effective strategies
already stored in your memory bank to plan your counter-attack. Next, you
rely on your spacial and visual abilities to recognize openings to make your
move. Therefore, you’re engaging several areas of the brain through one
seemingly simple game. Both planning and creative thinking are needed for
strategic adaptation, and chess clearly requires quite a bit of mental
gymnastics on your part. When you’re playing in a professional capacity, all
of that thinking above needs to be done within a certain time limit, which
means your brain needs to be constantly on top of its game, consistently
focused and alert. If it doesn’t, you won’t be thinking as clearly and that
might give your opponent the upper hand when you’re not performing at your
best. The cognitive intensity that is demanded from this game can put quite a
bit of stress on the brain, but like physical exercise, a little stress can be good
for you. You might say it is even necessary since it is important to
occasionally challenge the brain and push it beyond its comfort zone, just like
you would with any other physical muscle in your body. A fit brain continues
performing at its best even as we grow older.

One study discovered that students who were immersed in a chess program
experienced a dramatic improvement in their reading abilities. Another study
revealed that when chess was immersed in a high school math’s curriculum,
students experienced an increase in their problem-solving abilities and raised
test scores too. Intelligence may be a broad concept, but it is evident that this
particular mind game is going to benefit you cognitively across the board.
Mental Strategy 3: Get Regular Exercise
The typical stereotype scenario pits brains against brawn. However, this
stereotype couldn’t be further from the truth. Athleticism and intelligence are
partners, not opponents. When you’re good at one, you naturally begin
improving at the other. The mind is not the only thing that needs exercise.
The Harvard Health Letter is one study that believes exercises can do you a
world of good in terms of improving your thinking and memory power.
Exercise, according to this study, helps to stimulate the release of growth
factors and chemicals in the brain that impacts the growth of new blood
vessels and how healthy our brain cells are. The healthier your brain cells, the
better you become at logical thinking and reasoning.

Your body is controlled and motivated by your mind. Exercise is the

healthiest and most natural way to give your brain the energy boost it needs.
All it takes is a 15-minute workout to increase your motivation and keep your
mind sharp enough to think clearly throughout the rest of your day. With that
added boost of concentration, you’re able to learn and digest information a lot
more easily. Since exercise releases endorphins that make you feel happy and
healthy, this burst of enthusiasm makes it easier for your brain to retain
information. Have you ever tried taking a test or solving a problem while you
were in a bad mood? How did it go? Not very well, obviously. That’s
because strong emotions like sadness and anger can cloud your judgment and
hinder your critical thinking abilities.

Exercise also stimulates the neurogenesis process. During this process, your
brain grows new neurons. As we age, the population of neurons in the brain
begins to decrease, but exercise can counter the aging process by helping the
brain regenerate neurons. The new growth lowers the risks of anxiety and
depression, commonly associated with neural atrophy.

Mental Strategy 4: Learning A New Language

Language happens to be one of the most sophisticated things that your brain
can do. Each time you speak, several areas of the brain begin working in
tandem to formulate words, structure sentences, and construct meaning. What
a lot of us don’t realize is exactly how big of a role the brain plays in our
linguistics development. Since we can’t see or feel our brains working when
we’re speaking, it doesn’t seem like the brain is doing a lot. Although it
seems like the larynx is hard at work creating the sounds and our tongue and
lips work just as hard to manipulate those sounds and turn them into words, it
is the brain that controls them all. Without the brain, the larynx, throat, and
tongue would be pretty useless. Without instructions coming from the brain,
no one would be able to understand what you’re trying to say.

There are two neurological deficiencies that happen in the brain in relation to
language, called Broca’s Aphasia and Wernicke’s Aphasia. The word
aphasia, in general, happens when your language production is impaired due
to damage inflicted on the brain.
:
Broca’s Aphasia - Affects the Broca’s area, a major region of
language production. This area of the brain is mainly responsible
for creating complex speech. Deficiencies in this area could lead to
difficulties forming sentences and difficult grammar. Speech often
sounds simple and slow because this part of the brain can’t
function the way that it should. Those who struggle with Broca’s
Aphasia often experience frustration as they struggle to
communicate. They know in their minds what they want to say,
but their brain still struggles to translate that fluid message into
words.

Wernicke’s Aphasia - This area of the brain is responsible for

helping you create meaningful speech, which means damage
inflicted to this area could cause your words to lose meaning
entirely. Those who struggle with this condition can get the words
out of their mouths, but they struggle to connect those words in an
 organized way. Their sentences could end up sounding like a
jumble of unrelated ideas. Unlike those dealing with Broca’s
Aphasia, Wernicke’s Aphasia individuals sometimes don’t realize
that something is wrong. To them, the words are coming out just
like they are supposed to, not realizing that they are nearly
impossible to understand.

Image Source: Lumen Learning

As you can see, even if your voice, mouth, and tongue are working perfectly,
language is still a process that is deeply neurological. This means each time
you practice language, you’re exercising your brain more than you think.
When you listen, write, read, or speak, your brain is making several new
connections and overcoming challenges and creating new ideas all at once. A
study conducted in 2012 in Sweden examined a group of young adults who
started studying a foreign language. Each student participant in this study
only spoke one language when they first began. Over the course of three
months, these students were given daily courses in either Russian, Arabic, or
Dari. Each student’s brain was scanned before and after the study to detect if
learning a new language would cause the brain to grow. The researchers also
wanted to determine that any brain growth experienced during this
experiment was a product of learning a new language, and not just learning in
general.

At the end of the three-month stint, the brain scans of these students were
compared to the scans of regular cognitive science students. Both groups of
students had to spend the same amount of time in class and an equal amount
of time studying. The only difference is the group of cognitive science
students was not focused on learning a new language alone. Interesting
enough, by the end of the experiment, it was the group learning a new
language that showed an expansion in their brains. This development
correlated with their language proficiency. In other words, the linguistics
students showed the most neurological growth out of the two groups tested.
When the results were compared against the cognitive group, the difference
was even more obvious. The students who learned a second language were
the ones who showed significant development over the other group.

General learning improves intelligence, but learning a second language (or

even a third or fourth) engages several diverse areas, and being multilingual
is among the best ways to keep the brain in peak condition. It’s a good thing
that learning a new language these days is easier than ever, thanks to
technology.

Mental Strategy 5: Manage Your Time Wisely

Time is all that we have. Ancient philosophers were intrigued by this one,
simple question: How do we use our time in a way that makes our lives a lot
more meaningful? That’s a very good question. Are you spending your time
as efficiently as you should be? How do you manage, organize, and plan your
time in a day so you can get all the tasks that you need to do done? If you are
given 8 hours a day at work, it is up to you to divide your time and allocate
your tasks accordingly to everything gets done within those 8 hours, and you
do this by allocating the right amount of time to the tasks at hand based on
priority. If time is such a limited resource, how do we know if we’re making
the smartest use of our time? How do we make sure that every minute we
invest in something is a minute that is well spent? Because once that minute
is gone, it’s gone forever. Nothing you can do is going to bring it back.

The modern-day concept of time management is about tips and tricks on how
to get more done. How to be more productive, how to do things faster, how to
work better, and how to be more efficient. Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca
said this: “If we value our time as money, then we are valuing our time very
cheaply.” Why do we do this? Because we think we’ve got a lot of time.
Changing your brain and improving yourself involves learning how to
manage your time better so you are living your most productive life. Time is
a precious commodity, one that we don’t have a lot of. If you use the time
you have been given wisely, you are going to succeed in all the different
facets of your life. A productive person can accomplish several things in a
day. An average person accomplishes the bare minimum at best in a day.
These two people are given the exact same 24-hours in a day, yet the
difference between the one who succeeds and the one who is just getting by
is how well they manage their time.

Neuroplasticity tells us that it is possible to rewire the brain for success. What
happens in our brain is based on what activities we spend the most time on.
Every time you practice something, like the piano or playing a sport, you
know that you get better with each practice. That’s because the area of the
brain that is involved is expanding, and when it does, you get better at what
you’re doing. The thing is, your brain’s capacity is not an unlimited resource.
There is only so much capacity in the brain allocated for activities, so it is up
to you to decide which activities should be prioritized. You must decide
which activities are important to you and that’s where time management
comes in. Effective time management is going to involve several different
aspects of your day, among which could include setting goals, planning tasks
and preparing a to-do list to keep you organized, delegating responsibilities,
setting your priorities and determining how much time to allocate to the tasks
you have based on importance. If your routine prior to this was to just wake
up in the morning and go with the flow or a general idea of what needs to be
done which you made a mental note of, this is about to change. All it requires
is a small tweak in your routine to bring about big changes in your
productivity.

Most of us have lost the ability to concentrate thanks to social media, and the
average attention span now spans between 7-minutes. It has become so easy
to get distracted these days it’s hard to recall the last time you were able to
walk into your office and devote an entire day to focusing on your tasks
without interruptions or distractions. Imagine how much more you could get
done in a day if you weren’t distracted at all? Time management comes down
to attention. The difference between success and failure is sometimes down
to how well you can train your brain to pay attention. Often, the ones who
achieve the most are those who have mastered the art of time management,
using it to their advantage, and focusing on the task without allowing
themselves to get distracted. It’s not about how much time you have, but
rather how well you use the time you have been given. With proper time
management, you will notice a world of difference in the way that your life is
run.

For every action, there is a consequence. This adage is especially true with
time management. Each time you procrastinate and put a task off, it is going
to have consequences. Often, you’ll end up falling behind; you might miss an
opportunity, you might get swamped with even more tasks later on and find it
even more difficult to manage time. That’s not smart. Time is its own master,
and while you may not be able to manage or control it, you can certainly
control what you do with your own time. That’s the smart thing to do. If you
want to be a different person tomorrow than you are today, you have to be
attentive to the things you want to focus on. If you say you want to get better
at giving speeches, then you need to practice it day after day until the
synapses and connections in your brain are reinforced. Right now, the smart
thing for you to do would be to choose the synapses and connections in your
brain you want to reinforce. Persist and keep practicing until there is visible
change happening in your life because your brain has changed. Author
Winifred Gallager said: “You are the sum total of what you are focusing on.”
This quote points out how our reality is dictated by what we pay attention to
and it is dictated by how you are spending your time. If you want your life to
matter, you need to start focusing on the things that matter and dedicate more
time to those areas because these are the areas that make you the happiest.

Mental Strategy 6: Review Learned Information

Here’s another problem that comes with living in a distracted world. The
inability to focus means we have difficulty retaining the information we
absorb sometimes. Memory can be a fickle thing, even more so with the
distractions we face that threaten to disrupt our concentration. Distractions
are everywhere, and sometimes it can be hard to remember something you’ve
just read even if you only read it 5-minutes ago. Other times, when you’re not
even trying, you’ll come across and odd random fact or two that you’ll
remember forever. It’s funny how our memory works. Unless something
resonates with you so strongly that it leaves a memorable impression right
away, chances are you don’t retain a lot of the information that you’re
exposed to every day. But if we don’t retain the information long enough to
review what we’ve learned, how do we get smarter then?

Studies about human memory date back as far as 2,000 years, and even
today, new discoveries about how memory works continue to get made. The
downside to living in the information age is that there’s too much
information. It is literally information overload, and it becomes hard to
distinguish fact from fiction, especially on the internet. Information overload
is not doing your brain or your memory any favors. As we’ve just learned
from the point above, our brain has a finite capacity. There’s only so much it
can take it at any given time and when the brain is overloaded, it eventually
leads to mental blocks and sometimes a complete shutdown altogether. We
only become acutely aware of our memories when we realize we’ve forgotten
something. This presents a huge problem when you’re trying to recall
information that you’ve read. Reading for comprehension becomes a
challenge when you struggle to retain the text. In 2016, three British
scientists were winners of the largest neuroscience prize in the world worth a
staggering 1 million Euros for the work they did related to human memory.
What Bliss, Morris, and Collingridge discovered was that in both memory
loss and memory formation, there was a protein in the brain that holds the
key, but there’s still a lot to be understood and discovered.

To understand how we’re going to improve our memory power enough to

retain the information we have learned, we first need to understand how the
brain works in this capacity. Essentially, the brain process memory in three
staged:

The encoding stage

The storage stage
The recall stage

The encoding stage happens each time your brain is presented with a new
piece of information or notices something new. It starts to consciously
perceive the images, sound, and all the other sensory details. For example,
when you take a holiday to a new destination. Your memory of that place is
formed by your visual, auditory system, and other senses. Visuals, as you
take in the beauty and wonder of your surroundings. Auditory, as you notice
the hum of traffic out on the busy street. Other senses like smell when you
get a whiff of the wonderful street food scents that come your way. Every
time you think about this location even long after you’ve left your holiday
behind, the memory is still as strong.

The storage stage is when all this new information that you gathered is
moved to the storage part of your brain. Your memories are stored in several
areas of the brain, not just in a single area alone. The brain’s neurons then
“talk” to each other by passing signals across. When this happens, the
neurons are building either long-lasting or temporary connections, and the
strength of those connections helps you retain your memories. Short-term
memory stores information in your brain temporarily, before either
dismissing it or transferring the information into long-term memory storage.
Do you remember what you had for lunch two weeks ago? Probably not,
since once the meal has been devoured, the brain can finally let go of that
information. Long-term memories, on the other hand, are what you can hold
onto for months, weeks, and a lifetime. Like the first time, you rode your
bike. Both long and short-term memories do get weaker with age because of
how our brain cells lose the connections that happen between the neurons
over time. Exercising your memory enough, though, can prevent this from
happening.

The recall stage is the final stage of the brain’s entire memory processing
system. When you need to replay or retrieve a piece of memory from your
brain, that’s the recall process at work. To do this, the brain needs to revisit
the old nerve pathways responsible for creating that memory in the first
place. When you repeatedly recall those memories, the brain’s connection
strengthens, and one example of this is when students repeatedly go through
their notes before a big exam, so the information stays “fresh” in their minds.
Recalling memories are not always accurate, though. Sometimes certain
memories can get mixed up with another, which explains the false memory
phenomenon.

So, how do we change our brain and boost our memory and powers of
concentration to become smarter? By keeping the mind and body healthy.
Enhancing your memory prowess goes beyond just techniques and strategies
alone. It comes down to the way you live and the quality of your health that
also plays a vital role in your overall mental and brain health too. The
healthier you are, the healthier your brain is. Better sleep, better nutrition,
regular exercise, and healthier lifestyle choices make a difference. If you
needed any proof of this, all you would need to do is go out and have a big,
fast food meal and then try to concentrate after you’re done eating. Not an
easy thing to do when you’re feeling sluggish and tired from excess sodium
and all sorts of other unhealthy ingredients you know are not good for your
body.
 Chapter 116: Breaking Free of Bad Habits

We know procrastination is not good. We know eating fast food is not good.
We know spending hours aimlessly browsing social media is a waste of
precious time. We know smoking is terrible for our health. We know these
and several other bad habits are not doing us any favors. So why is it so hard
to resist temptation? Why do we keep doing them, even though we know
we’re going to regret it later? No good can come of it, but somehow, we can’t
seem to stop ourselves from continually committing these bad habits. The
temptation to give in has an immense pull, and it’s not easy training your
mind to stay on task for a sustained period. What makes it even harder is we
were never taught the proper methods to maintain focus. When it comes to
focusing your mind, most of us are left to our own devices to try and figure it
out on our own. Add these bad habits into the mix and it is no wonder we
struggle to stay on track and stay productive.

What Are Bad Habits and Why Do They Affect Us?

Logically, we should be avoiding bad habits if they don’t align with our goals
and keep hampering the results we want to get. There’s a simple explanation
for this, and it goes back to the way we were evolved. Humans did not evolve
with a preference for delayed gratification. We evolved to prioritize
immediate gratification. We want actions that are going to yield the most
benefit in the current moment. That’s because our ancestors relied on this
mechanism to survive when they had to hunt for food and secure shelter.
Since our very survival depended on it, at the time, it made sense to place a
higher value on the actions that were going to bring immediate benefit. For
our ancestors, the possibility of what might happen in the future was not such
a pressing concern. When our ancestors found food, they ate it immediately
instead of waiting until tomorrow, since tomorrow was not a guarantee.

Fast forward to today’s modern society, where we no longer have to spend

our days hunting for food for running away from predators. The environment
we live in now is all about delayed gratification. Save money now and enjoy
it when you retire. Diet and exercise now and reap the rewards in the future.
Plan your finances wisely now and buy the house you want several years
down the road. Do a good job today and you’ll receive your paycheck in a
few weeks. We work for years and invest the necessary time and effort
needed before we start to see any results for the hard work, we put in. Yes,
the rewards in the modern world are all about delayed gratification. But our
human nature remains the same, and that’s the problem. Our brains are still
wired to prioritize instant gratification, which makes the allure of bad habits
hard to resist.

How Habits Are Formed

Our brain is a powerful organ that learns your habits-whether or not you are
trying to teach it. You might have noticed that the mind has a tendency to
easily absorb the negative influences and bad habits faster than it does with
positive, nurturing habits that require substantially more work. The formation
of habit begins with two traits you must adopt if this is going to work:

Self-discipline
Willpower.

To most people, self-discipline feels constricting, but in reality, when you

practice it, you began to that your life before you were disciplined was
constricting. You realize that how you spend your time, the bad habits you
had, and the addictions were controlling your life all this while. But when
you are self- disciplined, you are more in control and you have more say of
how you live your life. Your words will become actions and your actions will
become habits. Your habits shape your characters and your character
becomes your destiny. Practicing self-discipline is a short-term pain that
comes with numerous benefits in the long run.

With bad habits, the rewards you get are immediate, but the consequences
come later. Smoking will kill you in the future, but in the current moment, it
feels good. Procrastinating work in favor of binge-watching your favorite
shows makes you feel happy now, but the stress of rushing to meet deadlines
at the last minute will eventually catch up to you. To the human brain, any
reward we get right away seems more valuable than a future reward which is
not a guarantee. an ingrained pattern of behavior. Once a habit has become so
deeply rooted and ingrained in you, it becomes even more difficult to break
out of.

Bad habits may seem destructive, but that’s not how they were meant to be.
We indulge in these bad habits because we get a sudden urge or craving for
them. Our brains did not evolve with a strong desire to check social media
every 10 minutes. It didn’t evolve with the urge to keep eating fast food every
day or smoke several cigarettes throughout the day. We certainly did not
involve to want to spend hours on the couch watching one episode after
another. All those cravings came about because of an underlying motive. On
a deeper level, people might smoke or drink as a way of self-medicating to
relieve themselves from anxiety or depression. Maybe they turn to social
media because they want to feel accepted or feel a connection to someone
else. Maybe watching one episode after another and spending hours in front
of Netflix helps them feel relaxed after a long and stressful day. In other
words, the habits we have today are nothing more than modern-day solutions
that we have come up with to help us cope with the pressure and expectations
that we may be faced with. We give in to them because they make us feel
good or serve some benefit.

Since the delayed consequences of many of these bad habits are so far in the
future, the realization doesn’t hit us about how bad these habits are until it’s
actually happening. A bad habit is defined as any habit that stands in the way
of you achieving your long-term goals. These bad habits tend to stick around
for two reasons. The first is because they are ingrained in us, and the second
is because they almost always lead to short-term goals. Logically, you know
your long-term goals are more important. But it’s difficult to remind your
brain of that. To break out of these mental bad habits, you need a reason that
is well-defined, clear and compelling enough. There’s another problem
though. Some of these bad habits are satisfying a need that we have, and
cutting out these bad habits completely means that we are going to be left
with certain needs that are unmet. Simplistic advice about just quitting bad
habits is never going to work effectively in the long-term. Maybe you’ll stop
them for a while, but once the craving or need for it gets too much, you’ll
find yourself slipping back into your old ways in no time.

Image Source: The Mindful Company

Is It Possible to Change These Habits?

Bad habits will cost you your happiness, so why indulge in them any longer
than you have to? Once you understand why these bad habits happen, yes, it
is possible to change these bad habits. In one of his many private journals,
renowned martial artist Bruce Lee once said: “I realize that my mind’s
dominating thoughts will eventually reproduce in outwards, physical action
that will gradually transform and become my physical reality. Therefore, I
will choose to concentrate my thoughts daily for 30 minutes. I will think
about the person I intend to become and create a clear mental picture in my
mind.” What we can learn from Lee is we need a reason that is compelling
enough to change the way we think when it comes to bad habits, and it begins
with the realization that your current bad habits may not be the best way to
solve the underlying issues you face.

Bad habits are nothing more than a method you picked up along the way to
cope with certain issues, and the good news is, there is always more than one
solution to every problem. One person learns to cope with the stress they feel
by smoking, while another may learn to cope by exercising. The same
problem, but the latter solution is a much better option. Breaking out of bad
habits is tough because of the constant craving to give in to temptation.
Therefore, what you need to do is find a similar replacement that is going to
give you that same kind of reward. This will encourage the shift toward a
habit that is more productive, eventually getting rid of the bad habit you’ve
been carrying around gradually. It’s going to require some digging into your
thoughts to find what the actual reward is that you crave. If you’re repeatedly
engaging in a habit knowing that it is bad for you anyway, there must be a
reason why. Once you find that reason, think about something similar (but
better) that could give you the same benefits.

Your Habit Replacement Journey

Eliminate your bad habits by sticking to a new way of thinking. It starts with
a three-step process:

Step 1 - First, you need to make a list of all the bad habits that are
holding you back.

Step 2 - Once you’ve done that, identify the triggers that are
causing your habitual bad behavior.

Step 3 - Find healthier, better replacements for those habits that

give you the same good feeling.
For example, if you list one of your bad habits as spending too much time
aimlessly browsing through social media and you’ve identified the trigger as
boredom, the next step is to think about a suitable replacement. When you’re
bored, why not try reading instead? You still have the same cravings you did
before, except now you’re trying to replace it with a better solution that is
more aligned with your goals.

Now, this three-step process may sound simple enough, but there’s more to it
than that. Because these habits have been going on for a while now, you
might still find yourself unconsciously performing these bad habits even
when you know there’s an alternative solution. When you catch yourself
doing this, that means you need to take it one step further by optimizing your
environment to minimize the temptation you feel. The environment we’re in
has a big impact on our behavior. If the things that encourage your bad habits
are always easily accessible and in a visible place, you’re going to find
yourself reaching for them without thinking about it. In the example above,
you would optimize your environment by keeping a book next to you while
putting your phone in a drawer or tucked away somewhere else where you’re
not tempted to pick it up every few minutes. You could also opt to delete
your social media apps from your phone and install them with apps that
motivate you to read instead. You’ll still be able to access social media from
your laptop, but the temptation won’t be as strong because it’s not as easily
accessible as your phone. The aim is to add as many “hurdles” as possible
that make it harder to reach your bad habits, so you’re less likely to do them.
By manipulating your surroundings so it works in your favor, you can
dramatically increase your chances of successfully changing your habits.

To boost your chances of success, even more, you need to motivate yourself.
Your new replacement habits might not feel as satisfying as the old ones. Not
yet at least. To motivate yourself, you need a reward system in place that
gives you something to look forward to. For example, if you make it through
an entire day reaching for your book instead of your phone each time you
were bored, you can reward yourself with 30-minutes of social media time at
the end of the day once all your tasks have been completed. This positive
reinforcement trains you to be disciplined enough to stick to the commitment
you’ve made so the reward at the end of the day feels even more satisfying
because you know that you’ve earned it. Another way to go the extra mile
making sure you succeed at your attempts to change your habits is by making
yourself accountable. Tracking your progress is the best way to do this. Each
time you successfully stick to your new habits, mark the day on your
calendar. Add an extra layer of challenge by trying to stick to your new habit
each day so you’re consistently checking off days on your calendar. The
visual progress you see happening on your calendar will motivate you to keep
going and not break the success streak you see.

Tracking your progress is the best way to feel motivated. When you can see
yourself moving forward, you’re motivated to keep going down the right path
when you see how far you’ve come already. Breaking bad habits requires
perseverance. The longer you’ve been living with the bad habit you’re trying
to change, the longer it’s going to take to break out of that cycle, and you
need that perseverance to keep you going. The only way you can really fail is
by giving up.

Shift Your Mindset to Break Your Habits

It’s okay to make mistakes along the way when you’re trying to get better.
When we make a mistake, we immediately start to feel defeated and be too
hard on ourselves. That’s not how things are supposed to be. You’re
supposed to make mistakes because it’s part of the learning process. When
you start seeing your mistakes as part of the learning process, you open your
mind to undergoing that learning process. You stop being too hard on
yourself, and you feel significantly less stressed when you take away the
pressure of trying to get it perfect right away. A shift in your mindset requires
focus. To focus on why you’re working this hard to change your break and
break free of your old ways.

These guidelines might help you get started:

Think About Your Loved Ones - Loved ones can be an

immensely powerful and motivating factor to bring about the
change you need. What do you want your legacy to be? What do
you want to leave behind for your family? Do you want them to
remember you as someone who was stressed all the time?
Someone who had difficulty coping? Would you want your
children or other members of your family picking up on the
negative habits you have? What better reason to change for the
better than to do it for the people you love?

Don’t Disregard Your Feelings - Some bad habits are triggered

by our emotions. When we’re uncomfortable with the emotions we
feel, we try to find an escape route of some sort. For example,
you’re uncomfortable feeling alone and isolated, so you turn to
social media for some kind of solace or comfort. The negative,
self-deprecating thoughts you have about yourself happen when
you’re uncomfortable with the emotions you feel. When you feel
terrible about yourself, you start binging on unhealthy food, and
you lose all desire to accomplish anything because you think,
“What’s the point?”. Emotions are uncomfortable, and you
wouldn’t be the first person who finds themselves going to great
lengths to try and avoid that discomfort. You probably even try to
escape those feelings by indulging in bad mental habits like
feeling sorry for yourself or adopting the victim mentality. The
only way to deal with your uncomfortable emotions is to go
through them. To be comfortable enough to let them in, experience
them, and then move forward.

Saying “NO” Is Not Wrong - You might not like it, but you have
to do it. You owe it to yourself to manage your stress levels, so
you don’t keep turning back to your bad habits as a way to make
yourself feel better. The cycle needs to be broken and one way to
do it is by learning to say no when you need to. There will be
some moments in life when you need to say no. Even if you feel
guilty doing it. When you know it’s the right thing to do in the
long run, then you must be willing to do what needs to be done. If
you’ve already got too many things to focus on your plate right
now, know when it is time to decline a request and you don’t have
to feel guilty about it. The tasks that you have on hand right now
should be given attention and priority until they have been
completed. Remember the human brain is not designed for
multitasking. If you want to excel at anything, you must learn to
focus on one thing at a time. Unless something is extremely
urgent, if you already have your hands full, then learn to say no.

Scheduling “Think Time” - It is always better to be well-

prepared than to just wing it or go with the flow. If you find that
leaving things to chance tends to elevate your stress levels, plan
ahead as much as you can, and take comfort in the knowledge that
you’re as prepared as you can be. The more organized you are, the
less likely you’re going to be to get easily distracted by your bad
habits. You don’t even have to go too far, by planning a week
ahead of a month, maybe even a year ahead. Keep it simple by
keeping it focused on planning for the next day. Scheduling “think
time” is a crucial way to prepare yourself and to stay on track
because you have a goal that you’re working toward. When you’ve
got a lot of your task list to get through, planning your time wisely
is an effective stress management approach. The less stressed you
are, the less need there will be to go searching for your old bad
habits make yourself feel better. It’s a good idea to ensure you
give yourself some “buffer time” in between tasks too. Handling
one task after another in a row with no break time is a one-way
destination to burning out quickly. As much as you would quickly
like to go through your task list and get everything done and over
with as soon as possible, it is still important to give yourself time
to recharge between each task by taking the needed breaks. When
scheduling your tasks for the day, it is important that you leave
some buffer time in between to allow yourself to recharge your
mental energy. Buffer time also gives you some time to think
about how you’re doing and if there’s anything that could be done
better.
Thought Replacement
One bad habit that needs to be broken is allowing negative thoughts to stop
us in our tracks. Instead of using mistakes as a lesson and a motivation to
propel us forward to keep getting better, the habit of thinking negative uses
mistakes as a weapon to beat us down even more. A lot of thoughts happen
without us being aware of it, and these thoughts either inspire or reprimand
us. Negative thoughts, unfortunately, happen to be the stronger force, and
unless you practice thought replacement, they can quickly overpower any
attempt at staying positive. Overcoming negativity for good is probably going
to be one of the hardest challenges you might have faced in a while. Breaking
out of old habits that have been around for years is never an easy or
straightforward process. It takes weeks of exercising positive thought
replacement, which is where you replace your bad thoughts with good ones.
It will take a while before you begin to feel the visible shift from a heavy,
cluttered, disorganized and chaotic mind to a mind that if happier, lighter, and
feeling free.

Rehashing negative thoughts is only going to set you up for failure. It’s
important to start being mindful and recognize the kind of messages your
brain is sending to itself. You might be taken aback to realize just how
harmful a lot of the messages you send yourself are. Negativity is like a
disease. Once it gets a hold of you, it will do its best to keep hanging around,
refusing to let go. These thoughts are going to steadily ruin your success a
little bit at a time if you don’t do something to stop it. Thought replacement is
the only effective technique needed to squash that inner critic inside you. The
mind is a very powerful thing, and we can easily become a prisoner of our
thoughts without even realizing that it is happening until it is too late. But
that means that our minds are just as capable, just as strong enough to turn
things around if we wanted it to. It’s important to start acknowledging what
you say to yourself. You’re doing it all the time anyway, except we’re not
mindful of these thoughts. Listen to the way you talk to yourself. Once you
begin noticing the messages you send, it’s time to replace the less than
desirable ones.
Every negative thought that is created in your mind can be transformed into
something positive and constructive ones. To break the negativity loop,
here’s what you need to do:

Identify Them - Pinpoint exactly what your unhelpful thoughts

and separate them from the negative ones. Yes, there is a
difference between the two. Not all negative thoughts are
necessarily bad. An example of a negative thought is, “I’m
stressed and frustrated, but I know it will get easier,” while an
unhelp thought would be, “I hate my current job and I never want
to go back to that office again!”. The unhelpful thoughts are the
ones you want to focus on getting rid of.

Push Back Against Them - Once you’ve identified what your

unhelpful thoughts are, it’s time to work on challenging them.
Facts are going to be your greatest defense in this step. If they’re
not valid and based on facts, push back against these thoughts by
focusing on the information that you know. Always go back to the
facts that you know and cross-reference that with your thoughts.
Ask yourself, “Am I basing this on fact? Or speculation?”.
Replace these unhelpful thoughts with concrete facts to support
your argument and make it believable. The facts never lie and
focusing on this is one way of reigning in your thoughts to keep
them from spiraling out of control.

Be Mindful of Them - Watch the ongoing monologue that runs

through your mind. Self-awareness about the nature of your self-
talk is where you start making the necessary changes needed to
change the way you think. When we’re not mindful of the changes
in our thoughts, the negativity makes us feel worse, and it becomes
even more difficult to focus. By being mindful of the thoughts that
creep into your head, you’re instantly more attuned to what those
thoughts are and how they make you feel. It if is bad for you or
going to affect your confidence levels, you need to remove these
 thoughts from your life. For good.

Trade Them - It can be hard to remain positive all the time,

especially when you’ve experienced a setback or things are not
going according to plan. However, try to trade your negative
thoughts in for positive ones whenever you can. For example,
instead of seeing setbacks as the end of the road, acknowledge that
they can sometimes be opportunities in disguise. Instead of seeing
failure as an indication that you’re not good enough, see failure as
a teacher you learn from. It all depends on how you look at it.
Train your mind to look at this from a positive point of view. See
the bright side and the good of every situation, and you will find
that often things may not be as bleak as it initially seems.

Don’t Be Afraid to Talk About It

As social creatures by nature, one of the unspoken things we yearn for is a
deep connection to others. But in order to develop that deep connection, we
must be able to openly share ourselves with others. We need to build enough
trust to let others in, or we will always feel alone. Yet a lot of people hold
back out of fear. They fear rejection, or they worry about how the other
person might respond. They’re afraid of being hurt and maybe they’ve had
their heart broken in the past and they’re scared to open up again.

As adults, the way we learn to perceive, handle and regulate emotions and
feelings starts going downhill. Instead of learning how to deal with emotions
in a healthy way, talk about our feelings, and express ourselves openly
without fear of rejection, what we’re being told instead is suppress them or.
Phrases like “You’ll be fine, don’t think about it,” “get over it,” “put on a
brave face,” “don’t show emotion you’ll be perceived as weak,” “you’re
making too big a deal out of this,” are all too common and they lead to one
outcome: The inability to properly manage your emotions let alone master
them, which then leads to difficulty talking about it. We’ve become so
conditioned to think showing emotion a sign of weakness. People are
uncomfortable talking about feelings and they’re even uncomfortable
listening to someone else talk about their feelings.

Everything you’ve learned in this book so far is meant to help you rewire
your brain and change it, so you start living a happier, better, and more
meaningful life the way you deserve. So, what can you do to learn to talk
about your feelings more? Use the following guideline and take it one step at
a time:

Unlock That Bottle - Don’t keep your emotions bottled up inside.

Learn to be okay with expressing yourself and letting it all out.
Your emotions are not your enemy, so start embracing them
instead of resisting them. Don’t forget that the brain has a limited
storage space capacity. All those thoughts need to go somewhere,
or they’re going to get bigger and bigger, making it feel like your
head is about to explode at the next trigger. Even if those emotions
are uncomfortable or something you would prefer not to deal with,
do it anyway because it is still a part of who you are.

Do What the Motivational Speakers Do - At every opportunity,

preach positivity. Imagine you’re like a motivational speaker, and
it’s now your mission to spread positivity at every chance you get.
Especially when you’re interacting with someone who needs it and
who may be struggling to overcome negativity too. You may not
be a motivational speaker in a professional capacity, but that
doesn’t mean you can’t take a leaf out of their book and preach
and teach too. If your mind is capable of complaining and being
negative without even thinking about it, you can certainly change
your brain and your thoughts, so it goes in the opposite direction
too.

Tell Them What You Want Them to Do - Sometimes, all you

need is someone to listen to you talk about your feelings or what’s
on your mind. without any judgment, criticism, or opinion. You
just want them to listen, and that’s okay. Let them know what you
need from them right up front so they’re on the same page. Tell
them exactly how you would like them to respond by saying this:
“I want to share something with you, I hope that’s okay, but I just
want you to listen because I’m not ready to solve this problem yet.
I need to get it off my chest but that’s all I feel ready for right
now”. Tell them right from the beginning and you’ll find that your
loved ones will be more than happy to meet your request. It takes
away some of the fear of talking about it once you see that people
are more than happy to meet you where you need them to. All you
have to do sometimes is ask.
 Conclusion

Changing your brain for a better life, no doubt takes a lot of work. Even
harder to break out of these unhelpful thought patterns and bad habits when
you’re dealing with anxiety too. But you’ve already made great progress by
learning how the brain works and why we’re wired to do or think in a certain
way. Understanding is the first step toward overcoming any obstacle,
including trying to change years of bad habits that have done nothing so far
but keep you from achieving your goals.

Now that you’re equipped with the tools you need to make the
transformation, it’s important that you start slow. Trying to do too much too
soon is how a lot of people crash and burn. You need to start small, and this
can’t be emphasized enough. Yes, it seems like slow progress in the
beginning, but that’s okay. Slow and steady wins the race. It’s about keeping
your eye on the big picture and being patient with yourself along the way.
Any change that is worth it is going to require that you work for it.

The brain you have is not the brain you’re meant to have for the rest of your
life. The human brain is an incredibly powerful organ. With consistent
practice, it can change. You know what you need to do. The rest, as they say,
as up to you.
DECLUTTER YOUR MIND
By William Mind
 Introduction
The human mind is an incredible thing and our greatest asset, yet it is the one
we often neglect the most. During the day, we’re so consumed by the external
events going on around us we fail to notice the thoughts that go on in the
mind. We wake up in the morning, go about our day as we normally do, yet
by the end of it we feel so exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally
drained. Most of the time we don’t understand why this happens. Little do we
realize a lot of it has to do with the mental clutter that goes on in our heads.

Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius once said: “You have power and control
over your mind, not outside events. Once you realize this, you will find your
strength”. That simple quote perfectly sums up the vast potential of what the
human mind is capable of. Learn to control it and you can achieve greatness.
Let it control you, however, and you live a life of stress, unhappiness, and
frustration. Mental clutter. The “junk” or “trash” that you harbor in your
mind is keeping you stuck, feeling like you’re in an endless cycle of stress
and frustration, filled with self-sabotaging thoughts that make you feel worse
the more you think about them. That’s exactly the problem.

We spend far too much time thinking about these thoughts and we don’t even
know it. The repetitive, unhelpful, negative thoughts that replay on a loop,
the same thoughts we have once, twice, maybe several times a day. Those are
the thoughts that clutter the mind and make life harder than it needs to be.
Mental clutter complicates the simple stuff and it makes you feel like you’re
at odds with life every step of the way. It’s exhausting to feel like you have
no control over your emotions or your reaction to your circumstances.

It’s time to turn the mental stories in our minds around and refuse to be
crippled by the mental fog and lack of clarity any longer. It’s time to be rid of
the lies and the limitations that these negative thoughts try to feed us with.
It’s time to go through the tips, techniques, and strategies that have been
carefully laid out in this book to effectively begin decluttering and getting rid
of the excess junk and pave the way for a calmer, clearer frame of
mind.

There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for
choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much
useful information as possible, please enjoy!
 Chapter 117: The Philosophy of Decluttering

What’s going on inside your mind? How does it make you feel? Could it be
that maybe - just maybe - the way you feel has a lot to do with the physical
stuff that you’re surrounded with? Physical possessions are more than just the
stuff that surrounds your external environment? They are a manifestation of
what is going on inside your mind. Your phone bills. Your laundry. Your
cabinets and shelves full of unused items, stuff you may have even forgotten
that you own. The couches and chairs piled with old papers, books, and
magazines in the corner gathering dust. The unnecessary, non-essential items
in your life that take up so much room and space that they start to feel like a
burden that is weighing down.

Experts believe that the average human mind is full of what they call mental
clutter. They call it an “unbearable burden” that we all carry yet don’t realize
the direct link it has with our external surroundings. We’ve become so
accustomed to the noisy “chatter” in our minds that we start to think of them
as normal. It’s now “normal” to feel stressed out. It’s “normal” to think more
than a dozen worrying, stressful thoughts at a time. Our inability to organize
our thoughts in our head is manifesting external, and if you stop to look -
really look - at what your immediate environment looks like, ask yourself this
one question: How much of these items do you need?

A lot of the items that we own are, truth be told, not essential. You don’t
need the same shirt in multiple colors. You don’t need 10 pairs of jeans when
you keep wearing the only two because you like those best. You don’t need
several books lined up on the bookshelves if you have no interest in ever
reading them again. Most people are drowning in their own clutter and they
don’t even know it. The average American has 300,000 items in their home.
Piles of letters, mail, and magazines in one corner, papers, documents
Expired food in the fridge, closets bursting full of clothes, some of which you
may not have worn in over a year or even forgotten about. Old shoes,
souvenirs, and mementos you’ve had since your childhood, gifts you’ve
received over the years but never used. Come on, now, be honest. Do you
need this much stuff?

Image Source: makinglemonadeblog.com

Understanding Clutter and Decluttering
Your home is not the only thing that is susceptible to clutter. In fact, a
cluttered mind and a cluttered home are one and the same. For example,
holding onto clutter is the same as holding onto the past. You have it hard to
let go of some items, even when you know you should, because of the
sentimental value and the memories which are attached to it. Sometimes you
don’t even want to get rid of it because it was a gift and you’re worried about
hurting the other person’s feelings. You know you’re never going to use it,
but you hold onto it anyway. Holding onto items that are no longer of any use
to you will stop you from moving forward because you can’t look ahead
when you’re constantly looking back. It’s the same thing when your mind is
cluttered. You hold onto the past because you can’t bring yourself to let go,
you keep having the same thoughts over and over again, and you have a hard
time letting go of certain memories that hurt, even when you know that you
should.

Understanding physical clutter is a lot easier than understanding mental

clutter. With physical clutter, we can see it. We know clutter is referring to
the piles and stacks of unnecessary items we have around the home. Mental
clutter is a little harder to define. Have you ever had days when you feel so
frazzled? Like your mind is being pulled in a million different directions and
you feel exhausted from the sheer energy you’ve had to expand thinking and
processing the thoughts you have? On any given day, the average person has
about 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts running through our minds. That’s
approximately 2,500 to 3,300 thought that you’re churning out in an hour.
Other experts believe that number may be slightly smaller, an average of
50,000 thoughts a day perhaps. That’s still a big number, and what’s worse,
more than half of the thoughts you have are not beneficial. Most of the
thought are either useless, or they are unimportant, which means they are
taking up all that space in your mind of nothing.

Our brain is active and constantly on the move, like a butterfly flitting from
one beautiful flower to the next, never stopping to stand still long enough.
Thinking is such an automatic process that we don’t realize the thoughts that
we’re having unless it is something significant that grabs our attention. We’re
completely oblivious to how these thoughts are taking up too much space in
our mind, making it difficult to focus and concentrate, nothing but a
distraction, taking your attention away from what you should be focusing on
in your life instead. The time and the hours that you spend thinking
unnecessary thoughts could be put to better use doing something productive,
something that is going to bring you one step closer to your goals. A cluttered
mind distracts you from what’s important in life, taking up more of your
attention and time than it should.

What is a cluttered mind? It is a mind that:

Has a confusing thought process

Can’t operate in a calm, productive, and focused manner
That struggles to stay positive
That struggles to hold on to happiness
That is full of thoughts that don’t contribute in a positive way to
your life or wellbeing
Is lacking direction
Ruminates too much
Obsesses about what is beyond your control
Has a hard time letting go of negativity, resentment, and anger
Can be easily swayed by circumstances, opinions, and criticism
Easily distracted by external circumstances

In short, a cluttered mind results in a negative mindset. The most dangerous

thing about a cluttered mindset is that you’re relinquishing control. You’re
giving up control of your life by letting your thoughts dictate what you
should think and how you should feel. You forget that you are the one with
the power to control your life, not your mind and certainly not your thoughts.
When you give up and leave it to your thoughts to decide your fate, when you
no longer take responsibility for your thoughts and actions, that’s a clear sign
that something needs to change if you want to initiate any kind of change in
your life for the better.
Image Source: happybodyformula

How Clutter Affects the Brain

If your brain were a computer, clutter would represent having too many tabs
open in the brain at one time. It’s messy, disorganized, and makes it hard to
focus on anything.

Image Source: Not Buying Anything

Because there are so many thoughts that are taking place in our mind at any
given time, when these thoughts are negative or contradict each other, they
start to cause problems. These thoughts are partially responsible for the
stress, anxiety, and depression that so many people are battling with today,
not realizing how mental clutter has a part to play in it. When your thoughts
begin affecting you in a very negative way, it’s a real problem. Harboring
negative emotions is a sign that your mind is cluttered. It starts with one
thought, one feeling and before you know it, you’re sliding down a very
slippery slope of unhappy emotions and you don’t know how to slow down
anymore. Negativity puts your mind in a bad place you never want it to be in,
and it can quickly strip you of any possibility of happiness.

Your brain is not designed to have its attention pulled in so many different
directions. Your brain needs to be organized. At peace. Focused on one thing
at a time, preferably something positive and uplifting that makes you feel
good. The trouble is, negativity is not entirely avoidable. There will be some
moments in life that are less than pleasant. It’s even worse when we lack the
ability to properly organize and filter the information that we receive. Like
your email inbox. If you don’t delete or filter the important emails from the
junk mail, everything is just going to pile together in one big mess, making
your inbox too stressful to look at or even deal with. To say we’re never
going to feel the stressful effects of negativity would be a lie. We can’t
always avoid them, but what you can do is learn how to process these those,
assess them, and deal with them in better, healthier ways so they don’t linger
and clutter your mind.

Your mental habits are the reason you’re not reaching your full potential.
Your “busy” mind is the reason you feel “stuck”, stressed, anxious and
overwhelmed so easily. Clutter is bad for your brain and the negativity it
causes is one of the most debilitating hindrances you can have, taking up
more than its fair share of space in your mind that there is no room for
anything else. Don’t forget about the physical clutter that is secretly affecting
you in the background too without you knowing it. There’s a saying that
goes: “Mess equals stress” and there’s a very good reason why. Being
surrounded by disorganization makes it hard for anyone to concentrate. We
are so conditioned to a life of materialism that we genuinely believe the
decisions about the purchases we make are based on careful thought and
sound logic. We make excuses and give reasons as to why we need to
purchase more stuff. We make purchases in the hopes that we will finally
become a happier version of ourselves, but when that doesn’t happen, we
become unhappy and the emotions we feel only aggravate the mental clutter
that is already there.

What Decluttering Is NOT

Decluttering is not just necessary, it’s satisfying. To feel like an immense
weight has been lifted off your mind is liberating. Your mind is not an
abandoned attic. It’s not a place you can come and dump your thoughts,
hoping they will either go away on their own or that you’ll forget about them.
The emotions, dreams, goals, unfulfilled desires, past memories are all still
going to be there, and they’ll continue to be there until you find a way to
properly process and organize the thoughts you have. When you spring clean
your home, doesn’t it make you feel good to toss out all that unnecessary
junk? That’s the same thing you need to do with your mind. Toss out all the
unnecessary and organize what remains.

Mental Decluttering Is: Confronting Your Feelings

Sweeping them under the rug is not going to work. That strategy has never
worked, and it never will. Avoidance and denial are two coping mechanisms
you need to leave behind because trying to conceal your emotions is only
going to lead to emotional and mental fatigue. The thought of confronting
your unpleasant emotions sounds dreadful, but it is a necessary part of the
decluttering process. Suppressing your emotions prevents your brain from
doing a good job of thinking clearly.
Mental Decluttering Is Not: Avoiding Worry
Altogether
Like negativity, worry is not something you can avoid entirely. There will be
moments where you are bound to worry, it’s an inevitable part of life. Mental
decluttering is not about running away or trying to deny and block out worry
altogether, but to try and be more proactive about it. Instead of letting the
worry take over your entire day, keep your mind organized by allowing
yourself time to worry before you return to your other tasks. In between
tasks, pick a time that works best, and schedule 5 to 10 minutes specifically
for your worries.

There is always going to be something to worry about. You can’t avoid worry
forever, so what you’re doing to do instead is to be more proactive about it.
Instead of letting the worry take over your entire day, keep your mind
organized by allowing yourself time to worry before you return to your other
tasks. Rehash your concerns, but think about solutions instead of distorting
those thoughts and making yourself feel worse. Train your brain to be
solution-oriented instead of circling over the same worry repeatedly. This
keeps the worries from spinning out of control and distracting you throughout
the day so you can still stay on top of everything you need to do and process
your worries without neglecting them.

Mental Decluttering Is: Tidying Up Your

Environment
The environment you spend the most time in is going to have the biggest
influence on your psyche. It’s not a good thing that we have that become so
used to our environment being noisy, hectic, stressful, and messy that we
don’t even notice it anymore. There’s a good chance at least one area (if not
several) of your home that is cluttered with far too much stuff.

How did it get to such an extent? Well, for one thing, most of us are far too
busy these days, rushing from one appointment to the next. We spend long
days at the office and by the time we get home, we’re too exhausted to do
anything else. Another thing is that cleaning is not exactly an activity many
look forward to, and when you procrastinate and keep putting off cleaning the
mess around your home, that’s how clutter starts to build. The bigger the
mess, the longer it is going to take you to clean. A 5-minute cleanup is now
going to take 2-3 hours to get done when the mess has grown far too big.
Both your home and your mind are like a boat on the ocean. Keep pilling
clutter in that boat it will eventually sink to the bottom under the weight of it
all.

Mental Decluttering Is Not: Limited to Materialistic

Possessions
Decluttering is not limited to removing the excess physical items around your
home. In fact, mental decluttering encompasses all aspects of your life.
Everything that we’re exposed to, everything we do, everything we say or
think affects the brain in one way or another. Mental decluttering is also
about eliminating toxic relationships, old ideas, and bad habits. Anything in
your environment that is negative needs to be eliminated. This includes any
toxic individuals who happen to be in your life.
Image Source: Time.com

Can Decluttering Change Your Life?

It’s hard to make a fresh start when your old worries still maintain their hold
on you. Every new year, most people begin with a list of new year resolutions
enthusiastically prepared. Motivations run high and we all intend to keep see
these resolutions through in the end. But as the year goes on, the initial
excitement slowly wanes and we find ourselves slipping back into old habits.
Slowly, the lack of motivation begins creeping into the other areas of your
life. You find it hard to get anything done, productivity is running low,
you’re easily distracted, you feel tired all the time, you’ve lost your sense of
purpose and thoughts of the past still haunt you. Without decluttering your
mind, you’ll be trapped in this toxic cycle of thought forever, wasting several
good years of your life feeling unhappy.
Decluttering mentally (and physically) is going to change your life. Clutter is
unnecessary work, and unnecessary work only leads to stress. It’s a burden to
take on more than you can handle, and when the mess gets so bad you feel
overwhelmed, there’s only one thing left to do. Free yourself. Clutter is
distracting and annoying, causing far too much negativity that we don’t need.
Instead of agonizing, it’s time to start organizing. Besides the obvious benefit
of having a cleaner environment and a happier mind, decluttering is the
solution you’ve been looking for and this is why it’s going to benefit your
life:

More Room for What Matters - Purging the unnecessary out of

your life, both physical and mental, you’re creating space. That
space makes you feel like you can breathe again. Accumulating
physical items makes it even harder for us to let go and we hold on
to things sometimes not because of the memory attached to it but
because we always think “What if I need this tomorrow or next
week or next year?”. Be honest though, how many times have you
actually needed the items you’re holding on to “just in case”? You
already have everything you need to survive and be happy, and
those are the items you use daily. If you’re not using it regularly,
you don’t need it.
A Greater Sense of Happiness - With a better focus on what’s
important in life, mental and physical decluttering also brings you
joy because you have a better focus on things that matter. You’re
more efficient, concentrate better, and you know what your
priorities are. You find yourself enjoying life because you’re now
free from what was making you unhappy in the past.
Peace of Mind - A noisy mind is one that can never be at peace.
How could you be when your thoughts are either making you
anxious or worried or both. We create a lot of stress for ourselves
and the attachment to materialism certainly doesn’t help matters
either. Buying more stuff doesn’t make us happy. Maybe it does at
the time of purchase, but that feeling soon fades away.
Materialism is nothing more than trying to fill an empty void we
don’t want to deal with, and once you start embracing this reality,
it’s easier to let go of everything that weighs you down.

It Changes the Way You Think – It’s hard to ever truly feel
happy if you continue to anchor your happiness to external
possessions. Decluttering your mind changes the way that you
think, and you begin to find happiness from within instead of
relying on materialism and frivolous world possessions that never
last for long. When there are fewer distractions in your life, you
will be able to shift your focus on what truly matters in your life.
For example, your health, your well-being, your family, your
friends, your partner, your spouse, your pets, your hobbies, your
passion, and all the other things will start to take precedence once
again in your life and these are the things that you should be
valuing more than how many shiny new object or clothes you were
able to purchase.

Greater Efficiency - Suddenly, with a lot less stuff in your life

you find yourself becoming a lot more efficient than what you
were before. You can concentrate better, your priorities more in
focus, you find yourself feeling lighter, happier, and able to work a
lot more efficiently and make more productive use of your time
because you have less things around you that distract you. You
will find yourself managing your time more efficiently with less
distractions, and you won’t feel as pressure as you once did before
because of this. You will be able to accomplish more, feel more
 productive, and you won’t feel as pressed for time as you once did
because there is nothing that is distracting you from what you
should be doing.

Setting an Example for Future Generations - Whether you have

kids right now or in the future, you’ll be setting a good example
when you live a simple, clutter-free, uncomplicated life. You’ll be
teaching them valuable life lessons, to see that material
possessions are not responsible for bringing you happiness, and to
be happy and grateful for the things which they already possess in
their lives. It helps them to value what they have more, and learn
to distinguish between needs and wants.

Does Decluttering Help You Become a More

Efficient Learner?
Yes, it does. The biggest productivity killer we’re faced with today is
distractions. Even more so because we’re carrying the primary source of
distraction with us all day and every day. Our mobile phones. They also
happen to be the cause of a lot of the mental clutter we deal with. Social
media is one of the many culprits that make it difficult to focus long enough
to learn any new skill. So, it makes sense that to enhance productivity and our
capacity for learning, we need to eliminate the distractions that are making it
hard to do so.

Learning becomes easier with a clear purpose in your life and without the
unnecessary distractions stealing your focus. With less mental clutter
weighing on your mind, it paves the way for neuroplasticity to take place.
Neuroplasticity is the foundation of all learning and it also creates an
amazingly resilient brain in the process. Neuroplasticity is your brain’s ability
to change its physical structure and function based on life experiences,
thoughts, emotions as well as repetitive behaviors. What we do on a daily
basis whether good or bad gets wired into our system and the structure of our
brain because of this ability. Learning to control our minds is one of the most
difficult things we can do. It’s easy to let our thoughts get the best of us,
which is why it is so easy to be consumed by negativity and external
circumstances can affect us to such an extent. Want to create a happier life?
Start by getting rid of anything that is unhelpful for your brain.

How Do You Start Decluttering?

When you’ve got so many things going on inside your head that you feel you
can’t think straight anymore, it’s a clear sign to declutter. Think about the last
time you cleared your home or your workspace and the way that it made you
feel. How it felt so much easier to think somehow, just by changing your
external environment. Without a lot of stimuli going on, it became easier to
feel a lot calmer, more focused and thus, more productive. Now, it is just as
important to do the same for your mental state. As a society, we are more
distracted today than we have ever been. It’s becoming increasingly harder to
focus, and we’re not finding the fulfillment or happiness that we seek.
Minimalism has become a growing trend to fill this need. Joshua Fields
Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus, the people behind “The Minimalists”, define
this concept as: “A tool to rid yourself of life’s excess for focusing on what’s
important—so you can find happiness, fulfillment, and freedom.” But what a
lot of people don’t foresee is that is easier to get rid of the physical clutter
than it is to get rid of your mental clutter. Nobody ever wakes up in the
morning wanting to be overwhelmed mentally. Nobody wants to deal with
self-doubt or fear or negativity. Nobody jumps out of bed in the morning
thinking I want to feel stress or I want to overthink today. The thoughts
responsible for these negative emotions come and go, but they do cause
excess clutter in the mind when they’re present. The thing is, you can never
stop your thoughts from coming. Not 100% at least. A brain is an active
machine and it is going to keep thinking as long as we live. Thoughts will
come and go as long as we have the ability to think, so the question becomes
what can we do to free some space in our mind? How do we stop a lot of
excess waste in our thinking?

There’s a three-step approach to this:

Step 1: Edit the Story - Whenever you feel anxious, stressed or

overwhelmed, that’s an indication that you’re not thinking
minimally at that moment. Most of the stress we feel does not stem
from reality, but rather the stories we allow to formulate in our
mind. It’s the stories that we believe about our reality that get us
worked up, so the next time you feel this way, pause and write
down all the thoughts you’re having. Every single one of them.
Write down why you’re frustrated or worried, what triggered those
emotions, who or what caused you to feel this way, what are you
worried about, why do you think the outcome is going to be
negative. Write down everything you’re thinking, capturing all
your thoughts on paper so you can see very clearly the kind of
story that is playing out in your mind. Don’t filter it, just write it,
no matter how bad you think it sounds. Once you’re done and you
can’t think of what else to write, go back over the whole narrative
 you wrote and with a red pen, start crossing out everything that is
not based on facts. Ask yourself “What do I know to be true?” and
anything that is not based on facts, cross it out.

Here’s an example of what this would look like. You’re at work and
you’re stressed because your boss just called to check on how you’re
coming along with a project you’re rushing to complete. Thoughts
begin to flood your mind: “My boss is a micromanager. He’s calling to
check on me. He’s not happy with my work, that’s why he’s doing this.
He’s going to kick me off the project for running behind on the
deadline.” Once you start crossing out anything that is not based on
fact, what you might be left with looks something like this: “My boss
called to check on the project. I’m running behind on my deadline”.
See how the excess thoughts are removed and you’re only left with two
that are based on facts? The facts will be based on truth and shouldn’t
cause any excess fear or anxiety. Once you start focusing on the facts,
the decision about what to do next becomes clear. In this scenario, it
would be you’re running behind on your project, so what can you do to
catch up again.

Avoid Jumping to Conclusions - When something happens to

you, avoid jumping to conclusions and predictions about what the
future might bring. If something happens and your first reaction is
to start thinking about what a disaster it is and envisioning
scenarios about how it could all go badly, that’s an indication
you’re not thinking clearly. When you start piling on the
assumptions, that’s when the stress starts to come in and your
mind becomes increasingly cloudy. Once again, to declutter your
mind get your piece of paper and draw two columns on it. In one
column, write down what happened. For instance, a co-worker
who walked right past you without saying hello to you. That
happens all the time, they could be busy or preoccupied, so that
incident shouldn’t cause any undue stress since there’s a perfectly
good explanation for it.
 Now, in your second column, write down the assumptions or
conclusions your mind went to as a result of that encounter. Write
down any thought you have, such as: “That coworker was rude. That
person might be angry with me. Was it something I did or said? Why
didn’t they say hello to me? Don’t they like me anymore? I feel
annoyed that they didn’t stop to say hello. That coworker is so stuck up
ever since they got that promotion”. If you believe all the assumptions
that you just wrote down, you’re going to quickly start to feel
overwhelmed. Your mind is going to convince you that the coworker
doesn’t like you, even if that is not true at all. Again, you’re going to
have to go back to focusing on what is based on fact. If a thought has
no factual proof to it, you need to toss it out before it causes
unnecessary clutter in your brain.

Conscious Journaling - You could use a pen or notebook for this

exercise, and what you want to do is write without filtering all the
thoughts that are running through your mind at the time. This
process is called conscious journaling. It’s like a brain dumping
exercise, where you open the floodgates of your mind and let a
stream of thoughts pour out on paper. The act of putting your
thoughts into words causes your brain to slow down enough so
you can write them down. Once they’re out of your mind, it’s
easier to move on and forget about them. Almost like you have
given them an external outlet and your brain is now free to move
on to something else, leaving those thoughts behind on paper.
You don’t need to reread these thoughts immediately either. Close
your notebook or gather your papers and put them aside, going on
with the rest of your routine.

What’s Next?
Understanding the reason why it’s so important to keep your mind and your
environment free of clutter is the only way to motivate yourself to stick to
this process for the long-haul. Decluttering both physically and mentally is a
repetitive process, one that you need to repeat as regularly as possible so the
clutter never gets a chance to accumulate to a point where it starts becoming
problematic. The anxiety caused by a messy environment could eventually
lead to more serious mental health issues down the road, and it is simply not
worth it. It’s not something that is worth sacrificing your happiness for.

Set a goal for yourself to work on decluttering your mind one step at a time.
A little bit each day. Create a routine for yourself until decluttering regularly
starts to become a habit. Be willing to adapt and adjust as you go, be flexible
with the changes you need to make. Most importantly, be committed to the
decluttering process:

Don’t Store It, Toss It - If you have not used it for the past six
months to 1 year, time to say goodbye. Less is more in this case. If
there’s a need to get something for a one-time occasion- borrow it.
Stop the clutter from piling up in your home again by only sticking
to the essentials you need to survive and be happy with.

Regular Purging - Regularly check-in and do an evaluation of

your environment. Sometimes, things may pile up without you
even realizing it, especially your items of clothing, so regularly
purging, perhaps twice a year, is a good thing. As for the mental
decluttering process, this can be done a lot more frequently by
simply checking in with yourself at least once a week and writing
down all your thoughts. Remember, keeping your emotions bottled
up inside is never a good thing.

Being Grateful - Most of us are blessed in more ways than we

can’t count. Unfortunately, the physical and mental clutter we’re
surrounded with has made us lose sight of that face. As you work
on decluttering your mind and your life a little bit at a time, you
will soon come to remember what matters the most to you, and
part of that process will be to remember to be grateful for
everything that you have in your life. When you learn to
appreciate everything that you already have, you’ll fewer reasons
cling to what does not bring you joy.
 Chapter 118: Building a Decluttering Mindset

Fixing a problem requires understanding. Identifying the root cause of the

problem is the only way to deal with the issue once and for all. It’s not
enough to limit yourself to addressing the obvious causes. There’s an
underlying core problem behind every issue we deal with, and the only way
to effectively solve the problem long-term is to tackle the issue at its core.

In the case of a cluttered mind, we need to stop and ask ourselves why this is
happening? What is the root cause of this thought that is taking up so much
space in our minds? Is this thought justifiable or based on truth? Take a
moment to question if your worry is viable, or if it is an unfounded worry. If
you observe this thought (or several thoughts) keeps repeating itself, ask why
and what is the underlying trigger? Suppressing your emotions and thoughts
is only going to make things much worse for you because you are not really
treating the root cause of the problem, you are just trying to avoid it for as
long as you possibly can and the anxiety and worry, in the end, never really
goes away.

Recognizing Mental Clutter

What is mental clutter exactly? It is more than just feeling like your head is
packed to the brim with thoughts and ideas that have no place to go. It’s more
than a brain that is constantly overthinking, churning out one thought after
another with seemingly no break in between. Mental clutter is:

The constant worries you have about what may or may not
happen.
The regrets you harbor about the past or the missed opportunities
you wished you had taken when you had the chance.
The ending list of things to do that you’re dreading or not looking
 forward to.
The unfinished business that keeps weighing on your mind, like
the email you forgot to send or the bills you forgot to pay.
Being critical, complaining, and indulging in other bad habits that
encourage negative energy.
The need to strive for perfectionism and set unrealistic standards,
and then being hard on ourselves when we fail to live up to those
expectations.

Why We Live with Cluttered Minds & What

Causes It
A cluttered mind is one that can never truly be at peace. It feels like a
constant battle to remain present and enjoy the moment when your thoughts
are fighting for your attention. All it takes is one, two, or several thoughts to
immediately pull you back into the past, or have you ruminating about the
future, neither of which is helpful when both scenarios are out of your
control. The only thing this state of mind is doing is distracting you from
living in the present and being fully committed to what you’re supposed to be
doing now. We have the power to control our thoughts, not the other way
around. Before we do, we need to understand why we live with a cluttered
mindset to begin with.

The self-awareness that is gained from identifying the core problem behind
many of your unhelpful thoughts is the only way to fully gain control of your
mind for good. Mental and emotional clutter can be just as unhealthy and
damaging, perhaps even more so, than the physical clutter that surrounds us.
So, where does our mental clutter come from?

Excessive Stress - These days, it’s the primary reason why so

many deals with anxiety. Anxiety is a common disorder prevalent
in the United States, and the stress created by all that information
overload, too many choices and physical clutter can trigger a range
of mental health problems like overthinking panic attacks and
depression, thanks to the build-up of mental clutter in the mind.

Feeling Overwhelmed - Feeling overwhelmed by everything

you’ve got on your plate can serve to escalate your anxiety and
worries, thus spewing all sorts of thoughts that start piling up in
your mind if there is no healthy way to channel them. When it
feels like you’ve got a lot to think or worry about, knowing where
to begin can feel like a huge hurdle on its own. Even more so
when you feel pressured to try and handle it all at once by
yourself. Waking up every day feeling like there’s so much to do
and not enough time to get it done can be stressful.

You’ve Got Too Many Commitments - It’s a common problem

among those who have a hard time learning to say “no”. You feel
like the “bad guy” when you do, and you start worrying about
what people are going to think about you when you say no. If
you’re don’t learn to stand your ground, you’re going to easily be
pushed around by those with stronger personalities and you’re
always going to be at the mercy of someone else’s agenda. You
cannot please everyone. It is simply not possible.

You’re Afraid - You’re afraid to face what you cannot control,

and you’re not alone in this fear either. That’s why so many people
worry about what the future holds and why not everyone is willing
to make the necessary changes that are needed. Not everyone has
the mental strength and the willpower needed to face their fears
and not let their worries consume them to the point where they are
paralyzed by it. Your mind is always going to be afraid of what it
cannot control or what it does not know, and if you don’t learn to
rid your mind of the unhelpful clutter that fear causes, your
thoughts are always going to get the best of you in every situation.

You’re Overloaded - Doing too much and even thinking too

much can cause emotional and mental burnout. It takes a lot of
energy to be processing thoughts almost constantly from the time
you wake up. We’re awake for several hours a day, that’s a lot of
work that the brain has to do, and a cluttered mind uses a lot more
energy than a mind that is calm, focused and peaceful.
Unfortunately, most of us are stretched too thin these days,
juggling the pressures of both our professional and personal lives,
and if you don’t give yourself enough time or space to think and
properly process your thoughts, it can quickly start to feel like
your head is going to explode.

Poor Time Management - Poor time management is almost

always linked to bad procrastination habits. If you’re guilty of
leaving things to the last minute more often than you’d like to
admit, this is probably one of the many reasons why you feel
stressed and mentally “blocked” at times. Because of all that
clutter in your mind, you spend far too much time trying to plan
your solutions instead of taking any action. Your thoughts have
caused you enough worry that you’re afraid of making mistakes,
and that fear is starting to hold you back. Mistakes are not always
avoidable, sometimes you need to do your best and hope that your
best is going to be good enough. Perfectionists in particular
struggle with this a lot. If we use all of our time to make a perfect
plan, then there is no time left to execute it. Perfectionists can set
unreachable goals for themselves sometimes, and then it hits them
hard if they fail to accomplish those goals because of that high
level of expectation they set for themselves. In doing so, they open
the door and invite unhelpful thoughts into their minds until it
 slowly starts to feel cramped up there.

Past Negative Experiences - Making mistakes is how we learn.

Everyone makes mistakes. The problem is, some people deal with
it better than others do. The ones who deal with it well can learn
from their mistakes, analyze what went wrong and where they
need to do better, and then move on from there to focus on the
next task at hand. The ones who don’t feel with mistakes as well
entertain thoughts that diminish their confidence and self-esteem.
The kind of thoughts that take up residence in your mind and
refuse to leave unless you actively push them out through the
decluttering process. Being haunted by past mistakes is something
you need to work on overcoming. Any thoughts of the past that
continue to haunt you must be let go of.

Changes in Life - Not everyone adapts to change well and handles

it easily. Significant life changes can cause a lot of mental clutter
when you’re not equipped with the right mental and emotional
tools you need to process and deal with this change in a healthy
way. Some people find it hard to address the changes that have
taken place in their life and they begin to resist these changes
instead of embracing them. They stick to old habits that no longer
work and let the frustration build up when they realize their old
ways are no longer working.

The Effect of Stress on Your Body

Chronic and excessive stress. The other consequence of mental clutter we
don’t pay enough attention too. As normal as stress is, it isn’t good for the
body. There’s a reason they call it the silent killer. It seems like a strong term,
but it is apt in describing what stress can do to you. It is a silent killer because
you don’t see it coming until it’s too late. Stress can come from several
sources. It can emotional, job-related, or even physical. It is the way the
human body responds to demands or threats. Some stress can be a good thing,
but being constantly under stress for long periods of time could lead to
several negative effects on the body. When you’re faced with any emotional,
mental, or physical stress, your sympathetic nervous system sends a signal to
your brain’s hypothalamus, which is is the part of the brain that controls our
emotional responses and the release of hormones in the body. These same
hormones are responsible for triggering the fight or flight response. While
this response was initially designed as a way of protecting and preparing our
bodies to react quickly in the case of an emergency, staying in this state for
prolonged periods could put you at risk of some major health concerns.

Some examples of what stress does to the body include:

Increased anger
Abuse of substances like tobacco, drugs or alcohol, often as
crutches to deal with stress
Overeating or undereating
Less and less social interactions
More arguments
Less exercise
Isolating yourself from others
Sleeping too little or too much
Demotivated
Loss of sense of humor
Depression
Moodiness
Irritability
 Catastrophic thinking
Panic
Cynicism
Anxiety
Feeling overwhelmed
Frustration
Memory problems
Poor judgment
Inability to concentrate
‘Brain Fog’
Indecision
Starting many tasks but achieving little
Self-doubt

Chronic stress, when manifested physically, can lead to the following

physical problems:

Headaches
Heartburn
Rapid breathing
Increased risk of heart attacks
Increased depression
Insomnia
Rapid heart rate
Fertility problems
Erectile dysfunction
Missed periods
Weaker immune system
High blood pressure and high blood sugar
Stomach aches
Lower sex drive
Tension in the muscles
Image Source: Healthline

Stress is more than just an emotion you feel when you’re under pressure or
feeling overwhelmed. This hardwired physical response travels through the
entire body. Our bodies were not meant to endure this primitive fight or flight
response for too long because of the damage that it does to the internal
organs. The stress hormones that are released by the adrenal gland are
cortisol, adrenalin (epinephrine), and norepinephrine. As the hormones travel
through your bloodstream, they reach the heart and blood vessels. The
adrenaline causes your heart to pump faster and raises your blood pressure,
which in turn causes hypertension over time. Cortisol also causes the
endothelium (inner lining of the blood vessels) to function abnormally.
Clearly, prolonged chronic stress does not bode well for the body.

Decluttering Mentally
Decluttering is not an easy process for everyone. Even after cleaning and
clearing your physical space, life can still feel chaotic if your mental space is
a mess. We don’t spend enough time looking internally and don’t spend
enough time flushing out the negativity to make room for positivity. There
are always going to be a lot of things coming in and out of your headspace,
and it is important to create a habit of decluttering mentally and taking out
what you don’t need to make room for the things that do - in the words of
Marie Kondo - “spark joy”. Harboring so much negativity and unnecessary is
going to continue to make you miserable, and most of the time we don’t even
realize these thoughts are festering in our minds until we actively practice
mindfulness.

Decluttering mentally is going to be emotional, maybe even painful, and it is

going to be difficult. Decluttering the mind would take on the same approach
you would use if you were decluttering any physical space around you. You
need to dump everything out to create free space.
 Image Source: Healers Of The Light

Controlling the Information You Receive - When you’re on a

diet, you think about what you’re consuming and what you’re
putting into your body. You make sure that you’re only putting
nutritious food in your body. This is exactly what you need to do
for your mind. To be aware of the information you consume and
avoid information that is nothing more than useless junk. For
example, the things you find on social media. That information is
not exactly beneficial, and it won’t drastically improve your life in
any significant way, yet we spend hours on these social media
platforms, and we allow ourselves to be affected by what we see
on it. Staying away from the drama and anything that you don’t
have control over is one way of controlling the clutter that
accumulates in your mind. It’s nothing more than junk food for the
brain, and if the news is not benefitting you, then it’s not worth
paying attention to.

Bring Balance Back into Your Life - The reason why so many
people feel as burned out as they do is that they keep sprinting.
They sprint from one place to the next, they sprint from one
appointment to the next, spring from one task to the next with no
time in between to settle down and take a moment to let
themselves breathe and recharge. You’re making far too many
sacrifices and it’s starting to take its toll on you mentally.
Understandably, there are times when you need to make these
sacrifices and these sprints to get ahead in life or bring you one
step closer to your goal. But the key to bringing balance back in
your life is knowing when you need to sprint and when you need to
step back and learn to take care of yourself first.

Re-Establish Your Routine - It’s easy for a routine to fall by the

wayside when you’re distracted by your thoughts and the mental
distractions going on in your head. Not having a routine might not
seem like a big deal, but it actually makes you less effective in the
long run. Our brains need organization, and it needs a working
system it can depend on. Having a routine ensures that you’re
maximizing your hours and when you get things done efficiently,
you’re less stressed and you don’t feel like you’re constantly
chasing the clock or running out of time. Design a morning routine
and a daily routine. This way, even if you have a lot to do, you’ve
got a working system that lets you get things done in the most
efficient way possible.
Have A Trusted System - Have a trusted system for how you take
in information, process it, store it. This system needs to be
something that works for you. Everyone has a specific way of
doing things, so what works for you might not work for someone
else. The reason you find it difficult to let go of your unhelpful
thoughts is that you haven’t quite latched onto a system that works
for you. Or the current system you have for regulating your
thoughts is not working well. An example of a trusted system is to
have a weekly review. If you can find the time to do this every
day, that’s great but if you don’t, doing it once a week is good
enough. Even something as simple as 5 to 10-minutes a day for
reflecting is good enough to start. Often, our internal conflict,
thoughts, and worries can seem magnified - possibly worse - when
they’re bottled up inside our minds with no escape outlet. A
regular review or reflection process is a process you’re going to
find helpful in this case.

Say No When You Need To - Your feelings and your emotions

matter just as much as anyone else’s and they should never take a
back seat. If saying yes is going to cause you more stress than
you’re willing to deal with, then say no and don’t feel guilty about
it. Respect your emotions enough to stand firm on your boundaries
and say no to anything that is not going to make you happy. You
owe it to yourself to prioritize your happiness now, and it’s time to
take control of the stressful clutter your mind has been dealing
with for far too long. Make yourself happy first before working on
making others happy.

The Pomodoro Technique - In 1955, Cyril Northcote Parkinson

coined a phrase known as the “Parkinson Law” in one of the
essays he wrote. He wrote: “Work expands so as to fill the time
available for its completion”. What this means is that the more
time we allocate for completing a task or project, we end up taking
 more time to complete it. Hence, many at times we feel that we
can’t complete a task even if we thought we have given ourselves
ample time to work on it. In the end, the only way we can negate
this is to put stricter deadlines and really push yourself to complete
them. That’s where the “Pomodoro Technique” comes in to play.
This system was introduced in the late 1980s by a man called
Francesco Cirillo. This technique is a time management technique
that focuses on grouping tasks into 25-minute time blocks. For
each 25-minute block, you will be allocated a 5-minute break.
Once you complete four 25 minute windows in succession, you are
allowed a longer break which is usually between 15 to 30 minutes.
During these breaks, take the time to recharge and give yourself
some space to re-center and find your focus again. Use this time to
relax and clear your mind of anything that might be bothering you,
so you come back fresh and ready to focus again.

Focus on Life’s Priorities

Who would have thought that having more options could be a problem? The
“Paradox of Choice” is a term that was coined by psychologist Barry
Schwartz, a term he used to summarize his findings on how having too many
choices leads to greater levels of dissatisfaction, anxiety, indecision, and
paralysis. Almost as if the freedom of choice is a double-edged sword. As
much as we revere our ability to choose the path, we believe is best, having
too many options to deal with can be a burden. Having a lot more choice is
great and might objectively yield better results, but it is not a guarantee that
you’re going to be happy. There’s always going to be the worry about
whether you made the right choice, which triggers another round of stressful
emotions.

Which makes identifying your priorities an important skill you need to learn
to organize your mind and your time. As much as we would like to give equal
weight to all the tasks we need to take on, the reality is we can’t. There’s only
so much that we can fulfill in a day, and to make the most out of your day,
you need to overcome the paradox of choice by focusing on what your
priorities are. You need to accept that you can’t do it all, and that’s okay. If
you use your time wisely, you still have the ability to accomplish anything
that you set your mind to. Your life consists of several categories:

The Important Things - Family, friendships, relationships.

The Second Most Important Things - Your career, the house
you live in, the car that gets you from one place to the next.
The Small Stuff - Everything else that you’ve got going on in
your life that you need to do to survive and make it through the
day. For example, the errands you run and the appointments you
need to fulfill.

If you spend too much time on the small stuff that doesn’t matter as much,
you’re not going to have time for the important things that make you happy.
A happier life and a clearer mind begin when you start paying attention to the
things that are critical to your happiness. Taking care of the important things
first by setting your priorities and everything else will fall into place. You
know what you’re supposed to do, and the reason you still find yourself
struggling is that you’re not focusing on your priorities. You’re getting
distracted by all the noise and mental clutter that’s going on. People don’t do
what they know they should be doing. No wonder we spend so much of our
time feeling frustrated and overwhelmed.

Today, more than ever, we need to have these priorities to help us spend our
time in the best and most productive way. With a lot to do, the last thing you
want is to be wasting too much time on projects or tasks that don’t add value
to your life. Time and energy are your most valuable resource, and every
moment you spend worrying is another moment you’re wasting these
precious resources that you can never get back. The simplest way to begin
decluttering your mind from the worries that weigh you down is to make your
life more fulfilling and this is how you start focusing on your priorities daily:
 Define What Is Urgent - These are the tasks that require your
immediate attention and have immediate consequences.

Define What Is Important - These are the tasks that help you
achieve your long-term goals and values. The important tasks are
the ones that will have a big impact on your life, but since these
tasks sometimes have no clear deadline and the consequences are
not immediate, it’s easier to procrastinate on them.

Each day, you need to make a to-do list. The items on that to-do list must be
placed into one of the four categories on a matrix known as the Eisenhower
Matrix. You might have come across this term if you read Stephen Covey’s
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Covey talks about the Eisenhower
Matrix helps you quickly identify the activities that you need to focus on
when you’re pressed for time.
 Image Source: Luxafor

Important/Urgent - The first box of the matrix is for your

important and urgent tasks with immediate consequences. For
example, medical emergencies or project deadlines. The strategy
to tackle these tasks is to do it first and do it immediately.

Important/Not Urgent - Health, relationships, goals, ambitions,

and dreams are examples of what falls under the next box in the
matrix. The important, but not pressingly urgent tasks. The action
step in this box is to schedule and decide when you execute the
steps you need to take. Since they are still classified as important,
you still need to act as soon as possible, but you don’t need to do it
immediately.

Urgent/Not Important - Items in this category could include

random phone calls, unplanned interruptions to your workflow,
and the emails that you get. To identify the items that fall under
this category is easy. They usually involve other people’s
priorities. To tackle the tasks in this box, either delegate or
reschedule them to a later time if they don’t directly result in a
consequence for you.

Not Urgent/Not Important - The fourth and final box is where

everything else in your life would come in. Checking social media,
watching TV, and other unimportant things that take up time, but
don’t contribute anything significant to your goals. Items in this
box are usually tempting and hard to resist since they require a lot
less effort. You have the choice of deciding to either do it later or
avoid it entirely.
There’s something else you need to do too: Decide if you act or react. To act,
you need to know with certainty what is important to you and what results
you’re aiming for. Without that, it’s easy to get into a reactive mode and let
the unimportant things direct your thoughts and actions. Once you know what
your priorities are, organize your life around them. That gives your mind
something to focus on and it is less likely to entertain the unhelpful thoughts
that come and go through your mind. Focusing on your priorities is about
respecting your time and defining your priorities is the way to do it.

Identify Your Core Values

Do you know who you are? If you had to think about three to five words that
defined who you are, what would they be? We think we know who we are,
but it suddenly becomes hard to find the words to define it when your mind is
cluttered by confusion, doesn’t it? What has been controlling your life?
What’s the invisible force that has been behind most of the decisions you
make? What is this force that helps you decide what the right thing to do is?
Core values.

Core values are defined as the principles that guide and dictate human
behavior and action. They help you identify the difference between right and
wrong, serving as a moral compass that helps you make better decisions
when you need to. Your core values are the foundation your life is built on
and if you imagined what your core values looked like; you would imagine
yourself as a tree with the core values acting as the roots that keep you stable.
Without these roots, it would be easy to feel confused, dislodge, unsure of
what to do, worried, anxious and overthinking. When you’ve got clear values,
it’s easier to stand up for what you believe in, effectively pushing back
against the negative and unhelpful thoughts that threaten to destroy your self-
confidence. It’s easier to identify the reason why you reach a certain decision,
or why you choose to act the way that you do.

Having a guiding philosophy gives you a sense of purpose, and it’s easier to
remember what your priorities are too. They keep you focused and on track
to becoming the person that you want to be. To live the life you’ve been
wishing for. When you live in alignment with your core values and live by a
set of goals and priorities, you’re creating a mental environment for peace,
calm, clarity, and most of all, happiness. To know when something feels
wrong, you need a firm grasp of what is best for you. The core values, the
sacred truths that define who you are no matter what happens or what
situation you find yourself in, will never change.

A happier and clutter-free mind is born when you are living in alignment with
your core values. That is, your values need to be supporting and pushing you
to be the person you want to be. Core values need to exist. They need to be
distinctive, and they need to be meaningful. They need to benefit every facet
of your life, from the personal to the professional. If you haven’t determined
what yours are yet, that’s okay. Without core values, there’s always going to
be resistance. Life is always going to feel like it requires a lot more push and
effort and willpower just to get anything done and that can be exhausting.

This is what happens to your life when you know what your values are:

You’re less likely to succumb to pressure or make impulsive

decisions.
You make better decisions and avoid the ones that conflict with
core values and lead to unhappiness and a sense of frustration.
It reminds you to put your expectations and needs first.
It makes the decision process a lot easier. process. If a decision or
action aligns with your values, then go ahead and do it. If it
doesn’t, you don’t do it. Simple.

Creating the life you want is not as impossible as it seems. Find your core
values and identify what your priorities are because these are the elements
that hold strong in your life and keep you grounded. Particularly in times of
stress when you need them the most. Your core values and priorities draw a
line in the sand and make it clear what you’re willing to accept in your life.
Anything that doesn’t align with these elements must be eliminated,
including the unhelpful thoughts that serve no real benefit.
 Chapter 119: Decluttering Your Space

Sometimes, we forget that living in an environment that is messy, cluttered,

filthy and disorganized, can take its toll. There is no one out there who will
tell you they like feeling overwhelmed. The word alone invokes feelings of
unpleasantness, isolation, and failure. Almost like you feel disappointed with
yourself for being unable to cope. That’s the word you’re going to be using a
lot, though, if you live in the kind of environment that is described above.
Walking into your garage, you can’t find anything that you’re looking for and
it’s a struggle to maneuver past the boxes and piles of stuff that are scattered
all over the place. You open your drawers and there’s a pile of items scattered
in there you don’t even use anymore. Doing a quick inventory of your home
might surprise you with several items you don’t recall buying. That’s the
thing about stuff. It tends to pile up and if you’re like so many others out
there, it’s hard to let go.

Feeling “overwhelmed” by the clutter that surrounds our lives has become a
common dirty little secret. Most of us go through it, but nobody likes to talk
about it because talking about it means you’ve got to admit you have a clutter
problem. A lot of us have this obsessive need to fill everything we have. We
fill our houses, our cars, our offices, our workstations, our mobile phones,
tablets, laptops, storage units, cupboards, shelves, and we fill both our minds
and our hearts with unnecessary clutter. It’s more than we can manage, and
it’s no wonder we feel as overwhelmed as we do. Why do we continuously
keep taking more? Because we believe “more” will lead to happiness. We
believe if we buy the latest mobile phone, we’re going to be happy. If we buy
the newest car on the market, we’re going to be happy. A new watch, a new
pair of jeans, shoes, items for the home. Advertisements and commercials
often portray a feeling of happiness when we purchase their product or
engage in their services. Does retail therapy really make us happy? On some
level, it does, but it’s not the kind of happiness that lasts for long.

We keep buying and collecting believing with each new purchase that it’s
going to finally make us happy. In reality, all it does is perpetuate the
overwhelming feeling we already have. The words “clutter”, “decluttering”
and “minimalism” has exploded in today’s society because this is a very real
problem. We know by now that clutter is not limited to the physical
belongings that clog up our space, it could be digital, mental, spiritual, and
emotional. The physical clutter is the one our minds automatically go to when
we hear the term “clutter”. To tackle the other aspects of a cluttered life, you
need to work on the physical and the rest will gradually fall into place. When
your life is simpler, your brain automatically becomes less cluttered. Coming
home to a space that is neat, organized, and with plenty of room to move
around is a breath of fresh air after the noisy outside world you left behind
when you walked in the front door.

Your House Is a Container

We certainly treat it that way. Yes, we need to accept that our homes are a
container. It’s where we keep everything that we own. What we need to learn
how to do now is to stop the overabundance. Messiness, even the minor ones,
eventually takes its toll. It may not seem like a small pile of stuff here and
there scattered haphazardly around your home is going to cause any real
damage, but every type of clutter demands your attention. It might not be
conscious or mindful attention, but your brain is still processing these stimuli
whether you’re paying attention or not.

Your house is a container, and if you’re not careful, it’s going to become a
container that gets full to the brim pretty quickly. How do tell that you’re
dealing with a serious clutter problem in your home? By following this
general rule of thumb: If you need to move one thing to get to another, you
have a clutter problem. You shouldn’t have to be shifting things around to
access what you need. Everything should be accessible easily and quickly,
every item should have a “home”, so to speak with everything in its place.
There’s nothing wrong with owning stuff, and decluttering doesn’t mean you
have to toss out more than half of your belongings either. Decluttering means
choosing to keep what you need to be happy and nothing more. That’s it.
You’re still going to own stuff, you’re just going to have less stuff, that’s the
difference.

Your home is a container, and it happens to be one container you spend a lot
of time in when you’re not at work. If this environment is constantly going to
overwhelm your brain, you’ll find it increasingly difficult to focus, make
decisions, and the mental fatigue is going to leave you feeling exhausted and
drained of energy all the time. In the pursuit of keeping up with this constant,
on-the-go and hectic lifestyle, we have forgotten that there are other aspects
of our life that need looking after. Our health, relationships, personal growth,
and mental health have taken a backseat as we race for what else we can buy,
who has what new item and finding reasons to constantly make new and
unnecessary purchases we don’t need. We have become far too consumeristic
and materialistic, and it is time to change all of that.

A home should be a space you look forward to coming back to each day. A
space that makes you happy, lifts your mood and elevates your spirits. It
should be your sanctuary, not a place that fills you with even more stress. To
create such an environment, you need to accomplish two goals:

Simplicity for Greater Clarity - Get rid of anything that is

unnecessary, that’s the rule of thumb for simplicity. If you don’t
need it, then toss it (or donate it). One study done by Princeton
University reveals that cleaning up the environment within your
immediate field of vision can help prevent your brain from
overloading. Without the brain fog, it becomes a lot easier to think
clearly.

Break Away from Boredom - As much as we need routine, after

a while it can become boring. When it does, you lose motivation
and any desire to get things done. The American Psychological
Association believes that the reason you feel bored could be
because what you’re doing now lacks purpose. Meaning there are
steps in your daily routine or environment that don’t make you feel
happy or fulfilled. Research done on this subject indicates that a
change in your environment, even if it is a slight shift, might be
what you need to change your outlook and get a different
perspective on life. If your work desk is cluttered and makes you
feel uninspired, clearing it out and leaving nothing more than your
laptop and a notepad on it can leave you feeling rejuvenated. Your
brain is processing this as something new, and that sparks
excitement. It’s been a while since it saw a desk this empty and
simplistic, and that change wakes the brain up, renewing your
sense of purpose while it’s at it.
Valuing Space Over Stuff
Space is an asset that is underrated. We put so much value on our material
belongings that we forget the space we have is limited. There’s only so much
your home, car, desk, garage, closet, and drawers can handle before it’s
packed to the brim. Yet, we can’t seem to bring ourselves to stop buying.
Space is no longer considered “space” when there’s no room to move around
anymore. Have you ever felt that there was no room to breathe?
Claustrophobic? Trapped? Confined, perhaps? That’s your brain trying to
signal to you that there is too much going on. Now, compare those feelings to
the way you feel after you’ve done a little spring cleaning. Do you breathe a
sigh of relief? Immediately feel lighter? Better? If we learn how to place
value on the precious space we have, then perhaps we wouldn’t be so quick
to fill it up again as soon as we’ve made some room.

The benefits of valuing your space and decluttering go beyond trying to make
your home look like something out of a Pinterest board. It’s the mental,
physical, emotional and even financial benefits that you gain which makes
this process worthwhile. Understandably, the thought of getting rid of most of
what you have accumulated over the years can be daunting. Some people
have a very strong emotional attachment to certain possessions that they own,
even if they may not have used or touched those items in years. The question
of “What if I need this?” is always going to linger at the back of your mind.
But ask yourself this: Is the mess worth your stress?

Picture what it is going to be like to live in a home that is completely free of

stress. To always know exactly where to find the stuff you need. No more
feeling frustrated about misplacing items. No more hours spent searching
high and low for what you need (ironically this always happens when you’re
in a hurry). These are changes that you experience are going to be felt from
within, and those are the changes that are more powerful than anything that
takes place in your external surroundings. Decluttering brings you right back
to what matters the most by reminding you that you don’t need to constantly
rely on materialistic belongings to feel like a fulfilled and happy individual.
Stress is the kryptonite of a productive lifestyle. Interesting enough, one 2011
study by the Princeton Neuroscience Institute discovered that clutter was the
culprit if you found it difficult to focus on something without getting
distracted easily. Basically, the more stress and stimuli overload you subject
your brain to, the harder it’s going to be concentrate.

We all have different battles we’re fighting with clutter. Some are more
physical, while others could be more emotional or mental. But once you start
valuing your space, you’re going to see the following changes unfold:

You Feel a Greater Sense of Relief - Clearing away the clutter in

your life is going to feel like a big weight has been lifted off your
shoulders. Suddenly, you have room to breathe again once more.
We often don’t realize just how much we are affected by the
clutter and accumulation of possessions around us until we get rid
of it and feel much better when we’ve tossed out a few items.

You’re Clearer About What You Don’t Want - As you

methodically work through your items, you’ll start to realize
which are the ones you value the most. Gaining clarity of what you
don’t want simultaneously creates clarity about the things you do
want. Decluttering seems like a simple enough exercise in clarity,
but the ability to separate what you want from the things you don’t
want will carry over into other areas of your life too.

You Feel Motivated Again - There’s an added benefit to being

able to clearly identify what you want and what you don’t. Your
motivation is reawakened, thanks to the newfound, clearer purpose
in your life. Without the unnecessary distractions taking away
your focus, you are once again able to see your purpose, remember
what your goals are and what you want to accomplish.

You’re A Lot More Efficient - You are able to concentrate better,

 your priorities more in focus, you find yourself feeling lighter,
happier, and able to work a lot more efficiently and make more
productive use of your time because you have fewer things around
you that distract you.

Less Stress Means Better Mental Health - Greater focus and

clarity reminds you of what you have been neglecting all along.
That you matter more than any material possessions you could
possibly buy. The moment you start focusing on yourself again,
your mental and physical health starts to shine because you’re
working on becoming a better you. If you continued to live with
stress, none of this would be possible.

How Do I Make My Home Clutter-Free?

Decluttering the Junk in Your House
Let’s get one thing clear right now. The odds that you’re ever going to need
your “just in case” items are never or very, very unlikely. Be honest and ask
yourself how many times has that actually happened? Where you needed to
whip out your “just in case” items and thought to yourself “Wow! I’m really
glad I held on to that all these years!”. You’re holding onto these items
because of the sentimental or emotional value attached to it. To you, these
items are memories, not clutter, and that’s understandable. Kick starting the
process of getting rid of all that is unnecessary in your home is not going to
be easy and it’s not going to be quick. Most people are going to run into three
distinctive problems when they attempt to declutter for the first time:

They underestimate how much space the items take up.

They ignore how much it costs to store them.
They exaggerate or over-emphasize the possibility of needing it in
the future.
To overcome these obstacles, you need a formula. A very distinctive formula,
in fact. The formula is broken down into five steps:

Frequency - When you last used the item

Regularity - How often you use the item
Cost of Acquisition - How expensive or difficult it is to replace
Cost of Storage - The maintenance or storage costs linked to the
item
Cost of Retrieval - If it needs to be stored, what would it cost to
retrieve the item when you need it? Is this item at risk of becoming
obsolete or outdated?

Your formula, therefore, is the FR3C Formula above. To calculate if the item
is worth keeping around, here’s what you need to do:

LOW (Frequency, Regularity, Acquisition) + HIGH (Storage and Retrieval)

= Not Worth Keeping Around

Here’s an example of the formula at work:

Frequency: The last time you wore those shoes was 2 years ago
(Low)
Regularity: You only wore it once or twice (Low)
Acquisition - These are easily replaced and not expensive (Low)
Storage - It’s taking up unnecessary space in my closet that could
be put to better use (High)
Retrieve - Two-year-old shoes are probably outdated by now
 (High)

It’s a little harder to do this with items that hold sentimental value. For
example, the gifts that you receive from the people you care about. But think
of it this way, if the item was given to you as a gift, it has already achieved
what it was meant to do. Make you happy. Two years later, that gift is an
item that is taking up space in your home because you never use it and you
probably never will. That’s not going to change how you feel or the bond you
have with the person who gave it to you. You still appreciate the thought.
However, if the item is only adding to the clutter in your home, you might be
better of donating it to someone else if you never plan to use it.

There are also three other rules you could follow to help you with the
decluttering process. It’s a rule that minimalist advocates abide by to help
them downsize their belongings and live a simpler, happier life:

The Rule of 10/10

The Rule of 20/20
The Rule of 90/90

The Rule of 10/10

Take a good look at every item you own. Give it some careful thought and
then ask: How important is this item to me? Those material possessions
which you worked so hard for, spent your hard-earned money on, scrimped
and saved to finally purchase, how much value does it really add to your life?
Would you be surprised to find out that it matters less than you think? You
might be with the 10/10 materialism rule.
Here’s how it works, take a pen and paper and write down the 10 most
expensive items that you own within the last decade (10 years). Examples of
this would be your car, laptop, mobile phone, any jewelry that was
purchased, your home. List the 10 most expensive big-ticket purchases you
made in the last 10 years. On another sheet of paper, make a new list, this
time with the 10 things which add the most value and meaning into your life.
For example, experiences like spending time with your loved ones on a
vacation, or watching your kid’s dance recital, maybe even having a lovely
meal and catch up session with your parents. Look at the two lists you’ve
written down. They probably have absolutely nothing in common. Which list
makes you happier? If it’s the latter, perhaps it’s clear that you might not
need as much as you thought.

The Rule of 20/20

The first rule is going to eliminate the need for you to hold onto things under
the “just in case I might need them” train of thought. The idea that you might
need to hold onto your stuff in case there is ever a need in the far-off,
hypothetical future where you may need it is how you end up with too much
clutter. It’s time to do away with these items, and the 20/20 rule is where you
begin. Start by getting rid of all the “just in case” items which are under $20
dollars that you could easily replace in under 20 minutes. That way, if you
ever find yourself in a predicament where you need one of these “just in
case” items, you can easily replace them for under $20 dollars in under $20
minutes. Odds are that you won’t miss or ever need all the “just in case”
items you have been holding onto, and you won’t need to replace them at all.

The Rule of 90/90

When we find ourselves face to face with all your possessions, suddenly
determining which items are valuable and which are not becomes almost
impossible. Simplifying your life might not be as straightforward as it
sounds. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself stuck even before you’ve had
a chance to properly start, particularly when you’re being faced with a whole
pile of your belongings which you need to start sorting through. Letting go
then, becomes a nearly impossible task, because how do you decide what you
should get rid of and what you should keep?

Using the 90/90 rule. Pick a couple of items to start with and arrange them in
front of you. Now, pick something. Anything you like, it doesn’t matter what
it is, as long as you pick something. Once you’ve done that, think about the
last time you used this. Was it within the last 90 days? If the answer is no, ask
yourself if you are going to use it within the next 90 days. If the answer is still
no, then let it go. The 90/90-day rule is just there to serve as a guideline, and
you don’t necessarily have to follow those numbers if they don’t work for
you. It could be a 60/60-day rule, maybe even a 120/120-day rule.

Decluttering Your Home Office

A desk that is neat, organized and tidy is not necessarily a prerequisite for
great work or brilliant ideas, but it does help to have a workspace that free of
distraction and with everything that you need within arm’s reach. When
you’re rushing to meet a deadline and chasing the clock, a neat and organized
desk can be a blessing and less of a stress factor. We don’t realize how much
time gets wasted looking for items. How much time do you spend arranging
and rearranging stuff around your home or your office workspace whenever
you feel things are getting too messy? The more you own, the more time you
end up wasting on doing unnecessary cleaning and clearing. The time that
could be spent working on whatever it is you need to. Stuff demands more of
our time than we realize. Want to increase productivity? Decluttering your
workspace is a good place to start:

Decide What You Want from Your Desk - What do you

envision when you think about the perfect work desk? Is it
efficient? Clean? Everything within easy reach? An empty desk
that follows a minimalist concept with nothing more than a phone,
your computer and a notepad and pen? Your perfect desk probably
doesn’t look like the mess it does now and once you know you
want, it’s easier to work toward that goal and remove everything
else that doesn’t contribute to that vision.

Return What You Borrow - Occasionally, you might need to

borrow a thing or two from your colleague in the next cubicle.
When you do, return it as soon as your done instead of leaving it
on your desk and saying “I’ll get to it later”. Later might be full of
distractions and other things to do that you forget about returning
that item altogether and guess what? That’s clutter you don’t need
on your desk. Your new habit needs to be returning everything that
does not belong to you as soon as you’re done with it if there are
no immediate plans to use it anytime soon.

Tossing Out Your Trash - Bits and pieces of crumpled paper,

brochures, sticky notes, maybe food wrappers from the lunch you
had earlier but had no time to throw away just yet. Anything that is
trash and not what you need for work, toss it out right away.
Recycle anything that can be recycled, and make it a habit to now
immediately toss out everything that you don’t need. This does
seem like an obvious step, but until you actually declutter your
desk, you’re not completely aware of how much your habits have
desensitized you to the little bits and pieces of useless items that
accumulate on your tabletop.

Group Similar Items Together - Follow the same concept that

you do at home and assign everything on your desk a “home of its
own”. Everything should have a home and if it doesn’t, reevaluate
if you need it and whether it belongs on your desk. For example,
stack your pens together in one holder, group similar file folders
together, chuck your paper clips in another container just for them
and put your other office supplies in another container. The same
rule applies when you’re sorting out your desk drawers. Drawer
dividers and separators are great at keeping things neat, tidy, and
organized.

Set Up an Efficient Filing System - Think before you file and

think before you pile is a good rule to follow when you’re working
on setting up an efficient filing system. A lot of what we end up
filing probably never gets used again, and if during your
decluttering process you come across files you forgot about,
there’s a good chance you’re not going to need it anytime soon. If
you think you still might but you don’t want to keep the hardcopy
anymore, store in the cloud and shred the rest to minimize the
clutter on your desk. What remains in your desk drawers should
only be items that you’re going to reference frequently many times
over.

Daily Use Items - Only keep on your desk what to plan to use
every day. These are the only items that you need anyway to get
your work done. Once you’re finished with the item, make it a
habit of putting it away immediately before you move on to the
next task at hand.

Keep Personal Items to A Minimum - Minimize the personal

items so you can maximize productivity. Personal items may look
good on your desk, but they are a distraction whether you realize it
or not. Remember the brain takes in and absorbs more than we
realize, and it is constantly working in the background, even when
we’re not paying attention. If you must have something personal
on your desk, limit it to one.
 Tidy the Cables - A lot of cables going all over the place is not
pleasant to look at. Where possible, go wireless, but if you can’t
then try grouping your cables together using rubber bands or
binding clips so they form a neat pile instead of being strewn all
over the place. At least they won’t be in the way or run the risk of
getting snagged on something else when you’re in a rush.

Ditching Doubles - If you’ve got duplicates of multiple items,

ditch the duplicates because you don’t need them. You don’t need
multiples of the same pen or stapler. You don’t need duplicates of
notes or paperwork that is already in digital copy.

Clean Before You Leave - Before you pick up your bag and head
out the door, clear out your desk and check your drawers for any
leftover trash you might have missed when you were in a hurry
during the day. There’s nothing worse than coming into the office
the next day and already feeling stressed by the workload you see
in front of you left over from yesterday. Spend a short 5 to 10-
minutes at the end of the day just clearing everything away, you’ll
feel a lot better when you do.

Changing Your Space to Change Your Mindset

There’s enough research and science out there to prove there is definitely a
link between the physical clutter we accumulate and the side effects that stem
as a direct result from that clutter. Like an increase in anxiety levels, elevated
stress levels, procrastination and general feelings of unhappiness and
dissatisfaction. But realizing what clutter does to you is a good first step. It is
this self-awareness that is going to encourage and remind you why you
should put a stop to it and no longer allow your immediate environment to be
surrounded by materialistic chaos.
Changing your environment changes your perspective. Think about this
scenario. You’re sitting behind your desk, trying to brainstorm ideas. You’ve
been trying to get it done for the last 30-minutes but you’re coming up short
and feeling stuck. No matter how hard you try to concentrate your think, the
mental block is stopping the ideas from pouring out, so you decide to get up,
stretch your legs for a bit, maybe go for a walk outside to clear your head.
Perhaps you decide to take your laptop with you and head to the nearby
coffee shop to try and get some work done there. When you arrive, the smell
of coffee wafting past your nose instantly makes you feel relaxed, and after
ordering your drink, you sit down feeling energized and get right to work.
The ideas seem to flow easier and before you know it, you’re nearly halfway
done.

In everything that you do, your mindset makes a difference. No matter what
situation you may be facing, what challenges you may be going through in
life, the minute your mindset shifts is the moment when things will change.
How you perceive situations will ultimately shape the reality around you.
Sometimes, the inability to strategize, come up with ideas or problem solve is
not because you’re lacking ideas. Sometimes, it’s your immediate
environment that is the problem. That’s why a change of scenery makes it
feel easier to get work done and get the creative juices flowing again.
Changing your environment makes you see things from a new perspective. It
clears your head and opens your mind to creative solutions that you might
have struggled to think of before. You thrive in a setting that promotes
productivity, and besides the relief of not having to look at clutter, here’s
what changing your environment does to your mind:

You Know Your Resources - It’s hard to see what you have to
work with when you’re distracted by the mess. A messy
environment makes it hard to think and even harder to come up
with solutions when you’re not quite sure of the resources you
have. At least with a clutter-free space, you can take a quick look
around you and say “These are the resources I have” and you can
start working on your solutions based on those resources.
You Values Begin to Shift - Material possessions once mattered
so much no longer seem so important when your mindset starts to
shift. As you begin to commit to a life where you learn to live with
less, you start placing more value on life experiences instead of
worldly possessions. For example, you value the time that you
spend with your family, husband, children or friends more than
ever, because it has become clear that this is what fills your life. A
desk or environment that is full of stuff no longer matters, what
matters is that you’re productive and you get your job done to the
best of your ability. As “stuff” takes less precedence in your life,
your mindset will gradually change to where owning less now
becomes your priority instead.

You Manage Your Time Better - Fewer distractions equals less

time wasted. You may not have given much thought to how you
were spending your time before you began decluttering, which
made it easy for the minutes and hours to just slip by. The more
you declutter and start seeing the benefits that this process brings
the more importance you are going to place on doing things that
benefit you instead.
 Chapter 120: Decluttering Your Relationships

Decluttering is not without its challenges, and if you thought downsizing

your belongings and clearing out your workspace was hard, wait until you try
decluttering your relationships. The hardest part is probably going to be that
period when you’re adjusting to not having that relationship in your life
anymore. Maybe you have to cut ties with someone you’ve known for years
because you’ve come to realize that their behavior is toxic and adding to the
existing stress you already feel. It’s still not going to be an easy decision to
make. You’ve become accustomed to having their presence around and
there’s bound to be an emptiness that is felt once they’re no longer around.
It’s the same with every relationship you have. When you’re so used to
always being around or regularly seeing that person, their absence is not
going to go unnoticed. It can sometimes feel like you’re all alone, even
though you know your decision was for the best.

The Cost of Toxic Relationships

A toxic relationship can happen to anyone, even the most intelligent and
confident people whom you thought would be too smart to make such poor
decisions. There’s no telling when and how you might find yourself in a
destructive relationship because it often does not start out that way in the
beginning. Toxic relationships will lie to you, hurt you, manipulate you,
hence the need for social decluttering. Decluttering relationships and social
minimalism are not something we give a lot of thought to since the focus
usually tends to center around the physical aspect, the things that we can see
in front of us. We’re visual creatures, and it’s only when we can see
something that it starts to feel “real”. Mental clutter, emotional, and even
social clutter are an afterthought most of the time because we can’t physically
see the damage that it’s doing and how it’s taking a toll on us.

Buddha once said: “Holding on to a toxic relationship is like drinking poison,

but expecting the other person to die”. When you lose yourself in a toxic
relationship, your judgment becomes clouded and it is harder to see what is
best for yourself anymore. You forget who you are and what you want, and
your happiness no longer becomes a priority. You start to get comfortable
with it and make excuses for being in that toxic relationship because it feels
better than having to deal with the pain of letting go of the person that you
love (or think you love). Social decluttering is a very complicated issue. It is
easy to get consumed in a toxic relationship because they tend to be
overbearing.

Toxic relationships cause you to lose touch with your own goals, passions,
desires, ambitions, and purpose. They make you feel hopeless and powerless,
unsure of what to do next. They add to your stress, feed your worries and
trigger your anxiety. Their problems begin to affect you and start to become
your problems. Eventually, you become resentful after a prolonged period of
attending to everyone else’s needs except your own. In short, the cost of toxic
relationships is simply not worth it.
 Image Source: The Wonder Cottage

How to Declutter Your Relationships

Having negative people in your life or people that are causing you pain is
pointless. That’s not adding value to your life and it’s certainly not sparking
any joy to keep them around. Negative and toxic individuals will only drag
you down and trap you at their level, so you become just as unhappy and as
miserable as they are. You don’t need to completely disconnect or disband
yourself from them entirely (although in some cases that might be better)
since it’s not always a possibility. The toxic relationships could be within
your family or the people you work with, making it hard to avoid them
entirely. You don’t need to ignore them entirely, but instead, aim to spend
less time with them and direct energy and focus towards valuable people
instead.
Keeping relationships around because you’ve known them forever or because
you shared a few amazing memories together is not a good enough reason to
hold onto them if they’re weighing you down more than they uplift you.
People change, grow, and develop in different ways. The relationships you
have with people change because you change, and decluttering your social
life might mean you have to learn to let go and be okay with that. It’s going
to hurt, but holding on because you feel bad is doing a disservice to yourself.

Going Through All Your Social Media Accounts - This is

probably going to be the easiest step in the entire decluttering
process. Start with your social media channels and begin removing
the people that you don’t know all that well or no longer interact
with, and the people that you feel no longer add value to your life.
It’s going to feel awkward at first, but as you begin deleting these
“friends” one at a time, it starts to get easier. Don’t worry about
what they are going to think. If those “friends” barely put any
effort (or none at all) into interacting with you on these social
media platforms before, there’s a good chance they’re not going to
care whether you’re still connected in the digital space. Streamline
your push notifications by turning off the unnecessary ones and
only keeping the important notifications turned on. You don’t need
notifications from your social media apps, they’re only distracting
you. Notifications should only come from text messages, and your
important reminders.

Go Cold Turkey - This one is going to be a little challenging, but

it’s the most effective way to identify who are the people in your
life that truly value your presence and your friendship. Go cold
turkey and stop interacting with everyone. Now, “everyone” in this
context is going to be subjective to how many people you know,
so there’s no fixed number and no specific quota of people you
need to top communicating with. Avoid texting first, avoid
reaching out first, avoid being the first one to call or make plans.
 Go cold turkey, stop, sit back, watch and wait. Observe who are
the ones who notice your “sudden silence” and reach out to ask if
everything is okay. Who are the ones who value your friendship
enough to maintain the interaction? Sharing or liking your latest
Facebook status or Instagram post doesn’t count. The friendships
of value are the ones who check up on you randomly for no reason
just to see how you’re doing. Or the people who are there for you
during your lowest and darkest moments in life. The ones you can
truly count on in the case of an emergency. You might be
surprised to find that the ones who value you enough are a lot
fewer than you thought. But at least this way, you’re decluttering
the unnecessary relationships and keeping the ones that add true
value and happiness to your life.

Knowing Your Relationship Values - What type of relationships

do you value? What type of relationship do you think adds value
to your life? That is worth investing in? More importantly, what
makes you happy? Those are the key indicators you need to think
about when downsizing your social connections. Always go back
to one, simple benchmark. Is this relationship making you happy?
Or is it adding stress?

Decluttering Your Romantic Relationships

Relationships that last a lifetime. Something we all want, yet not everyone is
lucky enough to hold on to. Divorce rates in today’s world are higher than
they have ever been that holding on to a relationship that is strong enough to
last you through the years has become a rare commodity. That’s because love
alone is not enough to sustain these relationships. There needs to be security,
a deep connection on an emotional, mental, physical and spiritual level. Love
takes work and if you’re going to make your job easier, you need to remove
the clutter from your relationship. Remove the physical clutter, remove the
mental, emotional, spiritual clutter. Any element that is negative and causing
a strain on your relationship needs to be evaluated.
When we feel disconnected from our partners, we don’t realize that the
clutter (physical and non-physical) could be the reason for it. We don’t know
how to process these emotions of disconnect, and as a coping mechanism,
some people resort to shutting down or shutting themselves off from their
partners instead of working together to find a solution. Negative patterns and
coping mechanisms remain prevalent, and until we start actively decluttering
our relationships, it’s going to get worse, not better.

Declutter the negative patterns in your relationship by doing the following:

Recognizing the Patterns - This is an obvious first step and it

requires an exercise in self-awareness. Observe the way you
handle things in your relationship right now. Do you shut down
when you feel overcome with emotions? Or lash out? Do you
work together or work against each other? Conduct a careful
assessment of the way you and your partner currently handle
stressful or emotional situations and take note of the negative,
unhealthy patterns of behavior that need to be changed. Or
decluttered, in this case.

Unite Against Negativity - Nothing brings people together quite

like uniting against a common enemy. In this case, the common
enemy in your relationship is anything that is stopping you from
functioning well together as a couple. Like negative behavior, for
example. Think of decluttering as a bonding project you can work
on with your partner. If it’s been a while since you worked
together as a team, this could be one exercise that starts bringing
you closer again. Instead of working against each other, make this
your goal to work on together.

Let Resentment Go - A major source of clutter in any relationship

 is anger, resentment, jealousy, and ego. Everyone has some level
of ego and pride within them. How clearly these traits get
displayed depends on how well we can control them. Ego left
unchecked can often cause tremendous havoc, especially in the
relationships which are closest to them. Ego is a negative emotion
which causes feelings of resentment, anger, fear, and jealousy.
Bringing up past arguments, misdemeanors, and mistakes only
clutter the relationship that you have with nothing but toxicity. So,
let it go and let the past stay in the past.

Learning to Ask - One unhealthy habit that causes a lot of clutter

in relationships is when couples don’t ask for what they want or
need. If you’re not having your needs met, you need to ask. Your
partner is not a mind reader and assuming they can pick up on the
little hints, or read your mind or anticipate your thoughts is how
fights, unhappiness, and arguments tend to happen. Assumptions
are where a lot of communication breakdown tends to happen, and
you’ll be doing your relationship a favor if you learn to
communicate and ask for what you want.

Expectations Are Clutter - Expectations are yet another form of

clutter that add no value to your relationship. Imagine if you
started every conversation with your partner with the expectation
that this is going to go badly. You’ll probably sabotage the
conversation and make it worse without even realizing it because
the clutter is subconsciously weighing on your mind. Why?
Because you expected it to go badly. Learning to communicate
with an open mind takes practice, but first, declutter expectations
and let them go.

How Decluttering Your Home Can Improve Your

Relationships
If you live with a family, a partner or a roommate and there’s friction in your
home, the problems might not be entirely external. It could the clutter in your
home that triggers frequent fights and easy irritation with your spouse,
partner or kids’ clutter. Clutter creates discord, and we know that by now. In
a study that was done in 2016 on recently divorced participants, 30% of the
participants replied one of the main reasons they separated was the constant
butting of heads over the household chores. This response ranked in third
place after drifting apart, which scored 35%, and infidelity, which scored
40%.

In a study conducted by the Pew Research Center in that same year, more
than 56% of the married participants surveyed stated that they thought a
happy married had a lot to do with how the household chores were shared.
You don’t need to venture far for proof that clutter creates disharmony either.
The popular Netflix series Tidying Up with Marie Kondo showcases exactly
how a messy, disorganized home and wreak havoc on a couple’s
relationship.
Image Source: Pew Research

Understandably, it’s hard for families and couples to keep an immaculate,

clutter-free home these days without stretching themselves too thin trying to
juggle it all. Work, family life, household chores, cooking, cleaning, grocery
shopping, laundry, spending time with kids, staying on top of paying the
bills. It’s a lot for anyone to take on, and stressful if they’re trying to do it all
by themselves. Decluttering and keeping the house tidy might seem low on
the list of priorities of things that need to get done, but something needs to be
done about it before the cumulative effects of clutter start to take its toll on
your physical and mental health. Your home should never be a place of
stress, anxiety, guilt or overwhelmed. You should never have to feel ashamed
or embarrassed that someone might see the state of your home.
Besides increasing your stress levels and being an eyesore, here is what
clutter does to your relationships:

It’s Hurting Your Love Life - Arguing and sniping at each other
all the time is not the sign of a healthy relationship. A spouse or
partner who is bothered by the clutter in the house is going to
express their discomfort, feel unhappy, possibly resort to negative
comments or even name-calling, be easily irritated and angry.

It’s Hurting Your Kids - Assuming you have kids, clutter is

going to have a negative impact on them by elevating their level of
distress, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
Stressed out children find it a lot harder to make friends and it
leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

It Makes You Feel Isolated - The embarrassment you feel over

your cluttered home is going to squash any desire you have to
invite family or friends over. Russell Research conducted a
Rubbermaid survey in which they discovered that people were not
likely to invite anyone over if their home was messy. If your
partner, spouse or kids are affected by this and frustrated that they
can’t have anyone over because of your hoarding tendencies, it’s
going to cause a problem.

Its Makes You Feel Exhausted All the Time - Clutter can be
emotionally draining. Have you ever felt so completely drained of
energy at the end of the day and you’re not sure why? You feel
like you haven’t done much, yet you’re exhausted by the end of
the day. That’s what clutter does to you. It subconsciously drains
you of energy because the external stimuli are still affecting your
 brain, even when you think it isn’t, just like we talked about in the
earlier chapters.

Your relationships matter as much as any other aspect of your life. You need
to take care of these relationships, invest in them, and work to keep the
relationship going. Happy relationships don’t magically happen, especially
not when there’s more neglect than nurture taking place. If you want better
relationships, not just in your home life but with every relationship you have,
you need to cultivate it. Cut down the time you spent on materialism and
you’ll have more time to invest that energy into decluttering your
environment. When you declutter your home, this is what happens to your
relationships:

You’re Happier When Stuff Doesn’t Get in the Way - At the

end of the day, they are just stuff, and the last thing you want is for
it to let it come in between your relationship. It’s not worth
expanding negative energy arguing and bickering over clutter.
Compared to a lot of other problems you might have to deal with,
clutter is one argument that can easily be avoided if there was less
importance placed on the things you own. The relationships that
you have with the people you love will always win over any
amount of stuff, any day.

Your Communication Starts to Improve - Talking to your

partner or spouse about your decluttering progress at regular
intervals can improve the bond between you. Communicating
about what you want and what you expect, being honest
demonstrates respect for each other. With fewer items around to
distract you, it’s easier to spend time quality time together,
strengthening the bond you have even more. The stronger you are
as a team, the easier it becomes to talk about everything.
Your Values Are Revealed - Decluttering is going to reveal your
values, a side of you your partner or spouse might not have had the
opportunity to see before with all the stuff getting in the way. You
make it clear what your priorities are by choosing to keep the
things that matter, and the act of decluttering shows your partner
or spouse that you care about what they need to. That you valued
your relationship with them enough to prioritize that over hoarding
material belongings that no longer add any value or real benefit.

Fewer Expectations - By adopting the mindset of a minimalist,

your expectations are going to shift. You’re no longer going to
prioritize wanting to receive gifts, and you’re no longer going to
keep up with the desire to buy, buy, buy. You’re not going to
expect your partner or spouse to keep getting stuff for you either,
because you’re now more intentional about the things you allow
into your space. Going back to Chapter 3 where we discussed
valuing space more than anything else. With fewer expectations
placed on your partner to fulfill these unspoken needs or
expectations you have about giving and receiving items, your
relationship becomes a lot happier with disappointment out of the
way. No more feeling let down when your partner forgets to come
home with an anniversary gift. No more feeling miserable and
thinking your partner doesn’t care because it’s been a while since
they came home and surprised you with a present. Stuff doesn’t
matter so much anymore.

You Become More Grateful - Once decluttering opens your eyes

to the fact that stuff will never bring you the kind of lasting
happiness you will get from your loved ones, your mindset begins
to shift to one of gratitude. You’re grateful to have a partner or
spouse who is there for you. You’re grateful that you can count on
them to have your back when you need it most. You’re grateful to
have someone to love, to share your ups and downs with, to build
 memories with. You learn how to appreciate the little things that
people do for you. You feel so grateful for their presence in your
life that you’re happier when they’re around and you express how
grateful you are to have them in your life, and this isn’t limited to
your spouse alone either. This positivity rubs off on them and soon
you’re bouncing off each other’s shared happiness, strengthening
the bond you have even more. It makes you kinder, more
supportive, and it makes the people in your life happy when they
know you recognize and appreciate what they do for you.

You Start Respecting Each Other More- It is important to

respect everyone’s decision in this scenario, even if their decision
may not be something you agree with or what you hoped for.
Trying to force everyone to go along with your clutter lifestyle
when they are not prepared for it (or want to do it) is going to
create a lot of tension and arguments in the relationship. Healthy,
happy relationships are built on mutual respect, understanding, and
compromise. When you no longer let the little things like
unnecessary clutter get in the way, it’s easier to respect each when
there’s less arguing getting in the way.

Organizing Your Priorities & Tossing Out Bad

Habits
Good habits keep your home and your life clutter-free. Bad habits and a lack
of priorities will keep your home and your relationships stuck in the clutter
zone. Getting into the habit of creating new habits is not going to be easy, but
it’s going to be well worth the effort. Wouldn’t you like to walk through the
door at the end of a long day to a home you’re happy to be back in and a
family, spouse, or partner you’re happy to come home to. Now that you’ve
established your priority is to create less clutter in your relationships, here are
some good habits to start incorporating:
Adopt the Habit of Forgiveness - Forgiveness is one of the most
powerful tools you could possess to make letting go of unhealthy
habits a lot easier. Not only will you eventually gain the ability to
forgive others over time when you let go of your ego, but you’ll
also learn to forgive yourself too, reducing the emotional clutter
that you carry around with you. You’ll learn acceptance, and
you’ll learn how to be much happier when you let go of all the
anger that resides within you. Gandhi once said that “forgiveness
is something that is attributed to the strong”. He was right.

Schedule Time to Breath and Meditate - Declutter your mind by

encouraging simplicity and calm. Free your mind from the burden
of negativity by making it a habit to schedule regular meditation
and breathing time. Mindfulness is particularly useful in this case
as it helps you form the habit of living in the moment and
minimize the overthinking that causes a lot of brain fog and
clutter. Living in the moment is about enjoying the little things
that happen to you as they are happening. The little things that we
take for granted for too long.

Expressing Gratitude and Appreciation More - There’s no limit

to the gratitude and appreciation you can express. Do it all day and
every day because it infuses your mind with feelings of positivity
and happiness. It is always better to let the people in your life feel
the extra love and appreciation, rather than feel underappreciated.
Simple little gestures, thank you notes, even text messages sent
throughout the day letting them know how much you appreciate
them can make a huge difference in someone’s day.

Only Invest in Valuable Relationships - Your time is precious

and it’s time to make it a habit to make sure your time is invested
in the right relationships moving forward. Family, friends,
partners, spouses, and coworkers, no relationship should drain you
of energy and clutter your energy. Your relationships are going to
evolve over time because you are evolving as a person. You’re
growing and changing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Every relationship in your life should be one that lifts you up and
makes you a better person. If it doesn’t then it’s clutter.

The Empathy Habit - It takes two people to make a relationship

work, and someone else’s feelings and emotions matter just as
much as yours do. Start developing the ability to empathize, to be
able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see things from
their perspective. Being able to understand where they’re coming
from, feeling what they feel, is going to give you a greater ability
to connect with them on a much deeper level than you previously
could. That is going to do wonders for improving the
communication that occurs in your relationship because you’re
finally able to see things another person’s perspective.

It’s Okay to Walk Away - It’s okay to make walking away from
a negative situation a habit when you need to. Especially if by not
walking away, you’re only going to make the situation worse.
Take a time out and come back to the situation with a better
solution. It is easy to let your feelings overwhelm you if you’re not
careful. As much as you want to resolve conflicts there and then,
sometimes the best decision is to just walk away from the situation
to clear your head whenever your emotions are starting to get the
best of you. If it’s going to preserve your relationship, declutter the
negativity from your life by learning to walk away when you need
to.
Mindfulness and Being Present with Your Partner
As for your romantic relationships, it could stand to benefit from making
mindfulness more of a habit. Being mindful and present tunes you in and
increases awareness about what is going on in the relationship. Like you,
your partner is doing their best in the relationship. They’re doing the best that
they know how to do, based on their experiences and what they’ve been
through in life so far. Nobody would purposely be on their worst behavior.
This is what you need to be mindful of because it can be easy to forget when
you’re feeling frustrated and your mind is clouded by clutter. It doesn’t help
that the human brain is wired to immediately focus on the negative aspects
first before considering the brighter side. That explains why faults and flaws
often seem more prominent and stand out in our minds a lot more than the
good deeds that your partner does.

Mindfulness and being present makes you flexible, and learning to be flexible
is an important step towards building a healthier, more positive way of
thinking because if you don’t you will find it difficult and frustrating to
overcome bumps in the road when things may not be going your way. You
can’t control everything, especially when it comes to relationships, and
learning to be flexible is how you cope with the ups and downs and
challenges that come your way. Being flexible is how you learn to work
better together with your partner as a team, the way that it should be.

You and your partner and two people trying to come together to make a
relationship work. Two unique individuals with very different personalities
trying to get along with each other, support and love one another. Being
mindful of these differences and the little things that you do for each other
makes it easier to not let emotions get in the way and cloud your judgment.
Be mindful, judge less, and listen more. When we judge our partners, we’re
not actively listening enough. Judgment already mentally blocks you off from
being empathetic towards them. This especially happens during an argument,
when you disagree with what your partner is saying, and you judge them for
it. As part of your decluttering process, learn to take a step back and actively
listen to what they are telling you and see the truth in what they say.
Practicing mindfulness about the language that you use and the tone in which
you’re saying it can save you from a lot of hurtful words and conversations
being thrown about, and it opens the door for more constructive
communication to take place. Your relationship will be a lot happier for it.
 Chapter 121: Decluttering Your Thoughts

If you had to answer what your most scarce resource is, what would the
answer be? Would time be your answer? Time certainly feels like it’s never
enough, yet time itself is constant and does not change. You don’t have more
or less of it on any given day. 24-hours is all we have and that is it. Nothing
more, nothing less. Living in the information age we do today, it’s not time
that’s the scarcest resource, it’s our attention span. Ever since the internet
came about, the amount of information that we receive has increased
dramatically. The problem is, the amount of information we can process at
any given time remains the same. As a result, we’re faced with information
overload, a problem that has been growing ever since the internet starting
booming. The bigger the internet becomes and the more reliant we are on it,
the more overloaded our brains become.

Information is addictive and we can’t quite seem to stay away from it even
when we’re already taking on more than we can handle. Just look at the
number of hours we spend scrolling aimlessly through social media taking in
the updates, the status shares, the likes, the pictures, the videos. It’s a lot to
process for a brain that doesn’t do well under multitasking pressure.
Processing and absorbing information is becoming increasingly more
difficult, evident in today’s corporate environments in particular. One study
by the Pew Research Center discovered that in an already oversaturated
world, 20% of the American respondents surveyed say they overloaded by
the amount of information they receive. Yet, 77% of those respondents stated
that they liked having a lot of information easily available, while 67% say
having a lot of information helps to simplify their lives. It turns out
Americans are pretty comfortable and confident in their ability to cope with
the everyday flow of information they receive.
Image Source: Pew Research Center

Being able to cope, though, does not mean that this is good for the brain.
Clutter exists for a reason, and if we continue to ignore the subtle signs of its
presence (anxiety, stress, overthinking, negativity, depression) it’s not going
to stop until you put a stop to it. Not everyone processes information in the
same way and if you’re one of those that often feel stressed by how much you
have to take it, it’s an indicator that you’re taking on more than you can
handle and it’s time to slow down and declutter.

Is Information Overload Serious?

Information overload is what happens to the brain when it starts taking in
more information can it can keep up with and process. In 2010, Google
decided to count what they believed to be every available book in the world.
The number they arrived at was a staggering 129,864,880 number of books.
That was in 2010. A decade later, it’s more than likely that number has
tripled today. We’re receiving more information in a single day than let’s say,
someone several decades ago in the 1600s, 1700 or 1800s did in one lifetime.
Google’s current estimates of existing web pages are in the trillions. Trillions.
Blogging statistics reveal that approximately 70 million new content on
average is being published on WordPress in a month. Is it any wonder then
that information overload has become a prevalent problem?

Having a lot of information published online is not a problem. The fact that
people keep adding information online is not a problem. The problem is we
become so overwhelmed by everything that we’re reading, watching,
listening and processing that it starts getting increasingly more difficult to
single out quality information from the crowd. The information that adds
value to your life and benefits you. Half-baked articles and posts are a dime a
dozen online, and most of the time when something doesn’t hold our interest
long enough, we skip over it or don’t bother reading it at all. It is only when
something catches your eye that you want to stop and consume it out of
curiosity. More than that, you feel like you have to consume it. That’s the
problem.

No matter what the topic of interest may be, there are hundreds of other
websites or blogs out there publishing the same thing. That’s excluding the
social media content, forums and other platforms that might be talking about
the topic you’re keen on too. The amount of information on one single
subject of interest can be epic, that’s the problem. When you feel like you
want to consume it all and get to know everything that you can about the
subject, but you don’t have enough time to do it, you become overworked.
Overloaded. Overwhelmed by all the clutter that is gathering in your brain
because you can’t process it quickly enough.

Information overload is not just a problem. It’s a plague and given how
reliant our lives have become on it, there is no cure. The only possible cure to
curb the impact that it has on us is through self-control and a few good
measures to declutter your thoughts whenever you feel there’s too much
information coming in at once.

Why Do We Experience Information Overload?

For one thing, we have widespread access to the internet to thank for the
significant increase in the amount of accessible information. With everything
being a quick Google search away, it’s hard not to get swept up in the sea of
information as soon as you log in to any device. Since information can be
easily duplicated for free, anyone with access to the internet the right skills
can disseminate information online, adding even more information. We need
to remember that all of this online information is only a small part of the
information we’re absorbing on a daily basis. The sights, smells, sound,
tastes, the emotions we feel, the words we read, the body language signals
we’re picking up from others, even the conversations we have. All of this is
still information that is being processed and picked up by the brain.

Information overload is not doing your brain or your memory any favors.
Overload, as we have learned, leads to mental blocks and sometimes a
complete shutdown altogether. Especially when the brain is faced with more
complex information that requires more processing time. When the brain is
under pressure, sometimes it freezes and panics, stopping dead in its tracks.
When that happens, we lose our ability to think clearly, the mind often goes
“blank” (something you would have no doubt experienced on more than one
occasion) and that’s when it starts to feel like it’s all too much. Obviously,
information overload is a lot more serious than we thought.

Other factors that could lead to this undesirable overload include:

Too Many Choices - Remember the “Paradox of Choice” that we

talked about in Chapter 3? Choices are great, but too much of a
good thing, as it turns out, can backfire. With so many options and
no idea which one to choose, it can feel like you’re being pulled in
a million different directions, making it even harder to concentrate
and pay attention.

Emails - An overlooked contributor to the clutter we feel brought

 on by information, the emails that keep flooding our inbox every
day are a massive contributor to the mental clutter we feel. It
doesn’t help matters that probably more than half the email
content you receive is either spam or not important enough to
invest any time in. Phil Chambers, author of Brilliant Speed
Reading indicated that research estimated approximately 247
billion emails get sent on average worldwide per day, 81% of
which is spam. That is a considerable amount of information that
gets channeled through email.

Social Media - Let’s face it. We’ve got more social media
platforms than we need. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snap Chat,
Pinterest and more take up far too much of our time as we spend
scrolling and searching without any real purpose or intention. You
tell yourself you’re only going to check these social media apps
for a couple of minutes, but the next thing you know half an hour
has gone by and you’ve fallen behind on a task you should have
started. Not to mention the pointless clutter you’ve now filled your
mind with. Very rarely does social media provide any useful
content.

News - Today’s media dissemination is relentless. Yet, we can’t

help ourselves. The thirst for knowing what’s going on is a pull
that is too hard to resist. With attention spans becoming shorter by
the day, the constant need for the “new” and “latest” information,
news channels are only feeding into this need with their short news
cycle and almost 24/7 content publication.

Information Overload Is Never Good

We spend so much time worrying, overthinking, and overanalyzing that we
don’t have time to step back and assess the way we’re impacted by
information overload and the way it aggravates our worries. We react at what
life happens to throw our way instead of evaluating what’s best for us.
Several years ago, we didn’t have the time-saving apps and technology to
make it a little easier to navigate everyday life, yet people back then were
probably less stressed than we are today. The one advantage they did have
back then was not being faced with a deluge of options and a constant flow of
information nearly every minute of every day.

Information overload is a problem when it stops you from taking action. The
stream of information that comes pouring in is endless, and you’ll never be
able to keep up fast enough to take it all in and the stress that is gained
indirectly from trying to keep up with everything is only going to wear you
down. Even wore, when you’re overloaded, the tendency to procrastinate is
higher than ever when it’s hard to think clearly or stay focused on what you
need to do. Procrastination is one path that leads directly to laziness. Some
other negative side effects you’re like to experience when your brain is
overworked and so cluttered it can’t think straight include:

Diminishing Motivation - Motivation is the push that gets us

through the activities we ordinarily would not want to do. When
there is a lack of motivation or inspiration to do anything, that
opens the door for procrastination to slowly start creeping in. As
your motivation starts to dwindle, the tendency to waste even more
precious time aimless scrolling through the information that
doesn’t benefit you (like the content you get on social media)
increases.

You Remain Trapped in a Negative Mindset- An overloaded

brain will find it hard to escape the cycle of negativity. That’s
because being negative is always the easier option, being positive
requires a lot more effort put into it. The danger with a lot of the
information we’re consuming is that there is more negative content
out there, making it easy for our brains to latch on to it quickly.
Negative content will always be the first thing that grabs your
attention because the brain is hardwired toward the negativity bias,
meaning that it seeks out negative information first before
anything else.

Your Credibility Is at Risk - Another potential problem

presented to us by information overload is the possibility that our
credibility could be at risk when we don’t know how to discern
factual and useful information from pointless gibberish. The
danger of relying on the wrong information could have a serious
impact on your credibility and your reputation among your peers
and the people with whom you have to work with. Your reputation
is one of the most valuable traits you could have, and the minute
people don’t have any faith in you is the minute your chances of
success fade further away. A bad impression is one that is hard to
erase.

You Become a Liability - Having your credibility affected is

going to lead to the second consequence of information overload.
There is no employer that is going to look at someone who might
possibly disseminate false or misleading information as someone
who is of value to the company. If the information you’re
spreading is not reliable, you become a liability.

Your Perception Becomes Negative - When you’re consuming

more bad news than good, it’s hard not to let your perception be
slanted toward the negative. Our brain believes what we
repeatedly reinforce and unfortunately, there’s very little “clutter”
in the brain that is going to be positive. If it were positive, it
wouldn’t be called clutter in the first place.
 Your Focus Is Impaired - Daydreaming and a lack of focus is
another common problem faced by information overload, even
more so when the pings and beeps of our mobile devices easily
shift our attention away and threaten to distract us.

Putting A Stop to It
The only viable way to stop information overload is to limit the content that
you’re taking in. Content-control. With so much information coming at us
every day, it is inevitable that mistakes are going to be made along the way.
Griffiths and Costi (2011) believe that 53% of people believe that less than
half of the information that is received holds any real value, while 42%
accidentally use the wrong information at least once a week. Evidently, we
need to learn what to skip when we’re faced with new content.

Focus on Quality - Focus on quality information rather than

quantity. For example, sending a short and concise email that gets
straight to the point is better than a long-winded email filled with
unnecessary fillers and a roundabout way of getting to the point. If
you need to subscribe to newsletters, choose to subscribe only to
trusted sources. The ones with credible information that you need
to better your life, help you with the decision-making process, and
actively contribute towards your goals. The same thing applies to
the news sources you read. Only choose one or two credible news
channels and filter out the rest. Quality over quantity and your
brain will thank you for it.

Not Everyone’s Advice Is Your Advice - Your friends, family,

and coworkers might recommend and tell you what you “should”
read or “should” listen to. They found that content useful and
they’re letting you know because they think it might help you too.
It’s great that they’re trying to help, but what you need to
remember is that everyone’s advice is not necessarily your advice.
This means that just because it was the right kind of content for
them, it doesn’t mean that content is going to benefit or enlighten
you in the same way. If you try to consume everything that anyone
you know recommends, you’re heading straight for a mental
burnout as you drive yourself crazy trying to keep up with it all.
Limit your information by filtering your content and focusing on
sources that you know are credible or reliable.

Be Very Selective - Knowing what to skip will come with practice

when you make it a habit of being very selective about the content
you allow your mind to consume. This is one way of limiting your
information overload. The content you consume should be for a
purpose. That purpose could be aligned with a goal, strategy, or
task that you have. If the information you’re taking in has nothing
to do with either of these, then there’s a good chance you don’t
need it. If it is not information that you’re going to implement or
act on immediately, you don’t need it. If it’s not going to change
your decisions or actions, you don’t need it. If it’s not helping you
reinforce or point or resolve a problem, then you don’t need it.
Consume only what you can use immediately and let everything
else become an afterthought.

The Magic Number of 3 - If you’re regularly searching for

information for a specific purpose, for example, if you’re a
business owner who is starting out and you’re looking for as many
resources as possible to kick start your business, you want to limit
your number of sources to THREE. It can be tempting to want to
consume and grab onto as much free content as you can, but that
might not be the best idea. You have to remember all these
different sources might have conflicting information. That can be
confusing and create clutter in your mind when you don’t know
which advice to go with. The best advice? Limit your go-to,
reliable, credible source to just three and focus on those. If you’ve
got extra time to spare and you don’t feel overworked, then
entertain the idea of looking around and seeing what other
information is out there. Find a source who is your cup of tea and
take their advice.

Don’t Multitask - It’s not efficient trying to do two things at once.

In fact, you’re aggravating the information overload problem by
doing so. Multitasking “forces” your brain into confusion. Should
you reply to the text that just popped up on your phone now, or
respond to the email you were halfway typing? Should you finish
writing your proposal first or start on a new task your boss just
sent along? Multitasking is not for everyone, and just because
someone you know may be doing it, it doesn’t necessarily mean it
may be as effective for you as it is for them. If multitasking is just
going to make you feel more overwhelmed than ever, then what
you’re doing is going to be counterproductive, instead of
productive. Don’t try to handle several things at once if this style
of working isn’t a good fit for you, focus on one thing at a time
and get it done before moving onto the next if it’s going to make
you more productive.

Take A Break - We all need a break throughout the day to

recharge our batteries before we burn out completely. The internet
has a way of keeping you hooked and wanting more. Channels like
Netflix and YouTube have you binge-watching for hours,
consuming more than you can handle. The internet is not going to
remind you to take a break. You need to decide when to do that.
You’ll know when your brain needs a time out from all that
information it’s been processing all day when you start finding it
difficult to focus or pay attention. It’s okay to take breaks without
feeling guilty about it. If you need a break, take it, and come back
refreshed and ready to be more productive for the next couple of
 hours.

Stop the Social Media Distraction Too

How often during the day do you pause or leave a task halfway because you
got distracted? Maybe a colleague came to chat for a bit, or a couple of
friends sent you texts that you couldn’t wait to reply. Or maybe you just
couldn’t resist the urge to check what’s happening on social media or browse
a YouTube video or two. Distractions are everywhere, and social media is the
biggest culprit when it comes to daily distractions. Social media amplifies the
clutter in your brain by amplifying the emotions that we feel. Watching or
reading certain content has the power to do that, but since we’re not
mindfully aware of it, it’s easy not to connect the dots and realize social
media could be contributing to the clutter in our mind directly.

Social media works in subtle ways. The pictures, memes, shared content,
occasional funny videos may seem lighthearted and fun and therein lies the
danger. It’s distracting us from the mindless clutter we’re taking in. Social
media is addictive, and asking anyone to try going an entire day without
checking their social media accounts is like asking an addict to quit cold
turkey on the spot. It’s not without its challenges. Not impossible, but
extremely difficult. But this massive clutter source needs to be flushed out.

Streamlining - Streamline your push notifications by turning off

the unnecessary ones and only keeping the important notifications
turned on. You don’t need notifications from your social media
apps, they’re only distracting you. Notifications should only come
from text messages and important reminders. You don’t need your
phone lighting up every 5 minutes telling you who liked your
photo or status, or who recently shared your content. These are
unnecessary, and they’re not important. Go back to the
Eisenhower Matrix in Chapter 2. If they are not urgent and not
important, then they can wait until the end of the day when you’re
done with everything else.

Decluttering the Apps on Your Phone - Would it amaze you to

find out that having just one page for all your apps is completely
possible? Begin by going through your current apps and removing
anything that you no longer need, want to use. Your home screen
should only contain the apps which are of utmost importance to
you, and the ones that you frequently use every single day. Some
might find this challenging, having to delete the apps on their
phone, and it might seem odd at first to have your phone screen
looking surprisingly empty and vacant. Once you get used to the
simplicity of it all though, you’ll wonder why you didn’t get on
this sooner because of how much easier it has made going through
your mobile phone. Consider purging your contact list too,
deleting any numbers that you no longer have any use for. The
most important numbers are going to be those of your family and
friends anyway and really, that’s all you need when you get right
down to it.

Decluttering Your Social Groups - Unfollow groups and pages

on Facebook that you are no longer interested in, especially if it’s
not relevant to you anymore. Remember, social media should be
kept for only keeping in touch with people, and perhaps some
companies or groups that you genuinely have an interest in or care
about.

Only Connect with People You Know - If you don’t know

someone on social media immediately, consider rejecting their
friend request. You don’t need to have 500 people on your friend’s
list of those people are not people who matter to you. Quality over
quantity is something that can be extended towards your social
 circle too. Having only 10 quality contacts on your social media is
much better than having 100 that are of little significance to you.

Image Source: Pew Research Center

Final Thoughts and Tips on Digital Decluttering
It is amazing how much of your life can be simplified if you think about it.
You may be asking yourself why there is a need for digital decluttering. Why
would you need, for example, to declutter your computer when it seems to be
working just fine right now? Computers need to be decluttered just as much
as the rest of our lives because having too many things stored on it is only
going to slow it down gradually. Not to mention how too much clutter is
going to leave you with very little space to store your files if you don’t clean
out your system every now and then. Having a digital cleanup routine can be
just as beneficial as having a physical cleanup routine. The clutter on your
digital devices may not be as evident or visible as the ones directly in your
environment, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The clutter will still be
there, building up file after file, document after document, and we don’t even
realize it until we start to wonder one day why our devices don’t seem to be
performing as optimally as they should.

Digital decluttering can lead to greater productivity, and since we rely so

heavily on our multiple devices and gadgets in this modern world, it’s
important to ensure that they work to our benefit, not against it. Computers,
laptops, mobile phones, tablets, even smartwatches are supposedly here to
simplify our lives and make things easier, so we spend less time on our
workload, but it has become quite the opposite. All the extra “hours” you
supposedly would have gained from quicker and faster internet processes
have now been lost wading through mountains of emails that need to be
sorted out, searching for documents online, and of course, countless hours
spent aimlessly browsing through social media apps.

It is time to unplug and deactivate all those online accounts you no longer
use. You’ve probably signed up for dozens of services and accounts online,
some which you have long forgotten about but keep receiving emails from. If
you can’t even remember your login details and password to those accounts,
why keep them around? Streamline your online life by ridding yourself of
anything and everything that is unnecessary. Simplify your mind and your
digital life by:
Clearing Out Your Inbox - Consider downsizing to only one
email account. Or perhaps two, if you want to keep your office
email address and personal email separate. How many email
accounts do you currently own besides the one you need to use at
the office? You don’t need to have Gmail, Yahoo Mail or Hotmail
simultaneously, there is no real need for multiple email accounts.
Pick just one email account to work with and eliminate the rest.

Unsubscribing from Annoying and Irrelevant Emails - Assess

your email content and unsubscribe to emails which you no longer
have any interest in. Emails that are not relevant, beneficial or
impacting your life in any major way do not need to stick around.
All those subscription emails reminding you about the latest
promotions and sales are unnecessary distractions and they make
your inbox look messy.

Checking It (Personal Emails) Twice - Once in the morning and

once at night. Unless you’re expecting something important to
come in during the day. Aim to spend no more than an hour
responding and catching up on emails. Work emails should be kept
during work hours only, and anything else that takes place after
hours can be left until tomorrow unless extremely and absolutely
of utter importance. We’re talking urgency like your career is on
the line. If it isn’t then emails are not a priority and they can wait.

Turn Off Your Email Notifications - Turn off your personal

email notifications, you don’t need them to be turned on all day.
Controlling how many emails you receive in a day will
significantly cut down your screen time. You only need to check
your personal emails twice a day (once in the morning and once at
night), and once you remove and unsubscribe from the
unnecessary newsletters and “spam” content, there’ll be no need to
check your inbox so frequently anymore (unless, again, you’re
expecting something urgent). Work emails are a slightly different
matter. Still, it is possible to declutter by turning off your email
notification pop-ups when you need to concentrate on a task at
hand. Once you’re finished with what you’re doing, go ahead and
do a quick email check to see if anything else has come in. Having
those pop-up notifications can be extremely distracting when
you’re trying to type out an important document and something.
At the same time, it’s not entirely possible to avoid work emails
during work hours altogether. Therefore, the best middle ground
approach is to disable the pop-up alerts and only check once
you’re finished with what you need to do.
 Conclusion
Thank you for making it through to the end of Declutter Your Mind, let’s
hope it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you need
to achieve your goals whatever they may be.

The mental decluttering process is almost like peeling an onion. You need to
peel away the layers to get to the inner bulb of the onion you need. That’s
what decluttering does to the mind too. You’re slowly working through (with
the help of the steps in this book) the process of peeling back every unhelpful
thought you have until all you’re left with are the truths that you need. If only
we exercised the same care and concentration we did with our minds as we
do to our bodies, life would look a lot different. We spend a lot of time
thinking about how we look, the clothes we wear, the food we put in our
bodies. What if we started doing that for our minds too?

Decluttering the mind. It makes room for a lot more self-love and a lot more
gratitude when you can see what matters most. Your loved ones. Family.
Friends. Relationships. Health. Happiness. All those things are already right
there in front of you, and it’s only once you’ve cleared away the junk that
you finally see it again. With mental clarity comes peace. With mental clarity
comes freedom from the unnecessary drama, opinions, and burdens that are
not worth wasting energy on. Like a car that can go full speed ahead when
the road is clear, you can reach your full potential when there are no
distractions in the way slowing you down. So, rid yourself of the negative
thoughts and limiting beliefs. You’re capable of more than you know.
 MASTER YOUR
EMOTIONS
By William Mind
 Introduction
Emotions. They are the very essence of life. It dictates our actions, and
despite the ups and downs they bring, life wouldn’t be the same without
them. To master your emotions is to master every action that you take, and
the one who learns to master their actions becomes the master of their future
reality. That is the power of emotional mastery and the very reason you’re
here today.

The one who masters their emotions is the one with the ability to alter their
reality. Without the necessary emotional mastery, life can feel like a roller
coaster, with moments of intense highs and extreme lows. A person who is
not as strong-willed or determined might become emotionally unstable,
which highlights the very real need to learn to master your emotions. Think
about this for a moment: Would you feel comfortable dealing with or working
with someone who is emotionally unstable? Chances are your answer is going
to be no, and that’s the answer most people would give.

Shakespeare once wrote: “Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
That’s from Hamlet. The idea is that you create the emotions you feel based
on the way you perceive the world around you. Your emotions are NOT
dictated by external circumstances. That’s a common misconception. The
way you view the world has a lot to do with your perceptions, and your
perceptions are responsible for shaping your emotions. It’s not your
environment that creates your emotions. It’s you. It’s the way you think about
your environment or external circumstances that create the emotions you feel.
Even when the world is against you, you still have the ability to remain calm,
and in control, if you change the way you perceive it.

Change your perception, and you learn to master your emotions, and this is a
very powerful thing. If you’re struggling in your life and not getting the
results you want, the emotional difficulties you’re dealing with could be one
of the reasons why. Emotions will keep you blocked and keep you from
creating success. That’s why you’re going to learn what to do to change
that.

There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for
choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much
useful information as possible; please enjoy!
 Chapter 122: My Emotional Self

What springs to mind when you hear the word emotions? Love? Hate?
Happiness? Anger? Sadness? Fear? Usually, it’s the strongest feelings you
experience that will be the first thing that comes to mind. These emotions are
the driving force behind a lot of the behaviors we display, both helpful and
otherwise. So, where do these emotions come from?

What Are Emotions?

Emotion is defined as the mind and the body’s way of integrating response to
the stimulus that it encounters. They involve three main components:

Physiological arousal
Expressive behavior
Conscious experience

These components could be experienced in short, brief flashes, or they could

long, lingering responses. They could be clear, or they could be confusing.
An example of physiological arousal is when you’re walking home at night.
It’s dark, you’re already nervous, and then you hear footsteps behind you.
Physiologically, your heart begins pounding in your chest. This is then
followed by expressive behavior, where you pick up speed and start to
quicken your pace. The conscious experiences are the thoughts that begin
racing through your mind, like “Am I going to get mugged? Is this person
following me? Fear and panic start to set in, and it takes these three
components together to create the emotional response that we feel.

The human brain is wired to look for two things: Threats or rewards. When
one of these elements is detected, the area of the brain where feelings are
generated, trigger the release of chemical messages. This is called the
amygdala, the area of the brain responsible for generating emotions.
Although small, the amygdala is comprised of thousands of cell circuits that
are dedicated to different purposes. The amygdala’s role is to attach any
emotional significance to objects or situations and form an emotional
memory to it. The amygdala also helps us coordinate the way we respond to
what is happening in our environment. In one study conducted, a group of
researchers studied emotions by observing a group of monkeys. They found
that when the amygdala was removed from monkeys in the experiment, they
exhibited bizarre behavior patterns. The findings of the study showed that
without their amygdala, the monkeys either became devoid of all emotion,
fearless, irrationally aggressive, or hypersexual.

Image Source: Bulletin

Emotions are the end result of these chemical messages that travel from the
brain throughout the rest of the body. When the brain detects potential
threats, the brain releases stress chemicals, commonly known as cortisol and
adrenalin. When the brain detects a rewarding or happy experience, the brain
releases oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. In other words, the chemicals
that make you feel good.

In moments like the examples mentioned above, the amygdala kicks in long
before the thinking part of the brain does. In some cases, the reaction of the
emotional part of the brain can be so strong that it dominates and overpowers
the thinking region of the brain completely. This is called an emotional
hijacking, and when that happens, the brain’s higher cortex is disabled. The
amygdala has the power to “hijack” your brain and take over when it goes
into overdrive. In this hijacked state, the only thing that your brain can focus
on is what is causing you distress. You can’t focus on your job; you can’t
focus on a conversation; you can’t focus on anything except the perceived
threat that the amygdala has zoned in on. When you can’t focus and think
clearly, that’s when mistakes happen.
Image Source: TTI Success Insights

Understanding and regulating our emotions through behavior and thought is

the key to taking greater control of the brain.

Do We Need Emotions?
Emotions are responsible for some of the best and worst moments in our
lives. Emotions are the reason why love feels so incredible, yet they are also
the reason why breakups feel so terrible. They are the reason why getting a
promotion at work makes you feel jubilant, and at the same time, they are
responsible for the misery and unhappiness you feel if you lose your job.
When we’re not thinking clearly, that’s the moment we relinquish the
driver’s seat and hand control over to our emotions. In doing so, we open the
door for some of our worst behaviors and bad judgment, allowing them to
take control.

There have been times when we wished we could have learned to control our
emotions better. There have also been times when we’ve told someone else to
control their emotions. People who are too emotional get a bad rep, while
those who can remain cool and calm under pressure are applauded. That
raises some questions about the importance of emotions. Do our emotions
hold is back? If so, why do we need them? Would we be better off without our
emotions? Would we be less impulsive? Make better decisions, perhaps?

As unpleasant as they can sometimes be, we still need them. We need our
emotions. In his book, Descartes’ Error, author and neuroscientist Antonio
Damasio talks about a patient that he had. His patient’s name was Elliot. One
day, Elliot had a brain tumor removed, along with the damaged part of the
frontal lobe of Elliot’s brain that was affected by the tumor. After the surgery,
Elliot experienced a shift in his decision-making abilities. His ability to plan
for the future and make decisions seemed to have weakened. Several tests
were performed, which revealed that Elliot was mentally superior or average
in many ways. Damasio wrote in his words: “Elliot appears to be a man with
normal intellect who was unable to decide properly, especially when the
decisions involved personal or social matters.”

As far as memory, attention, language, and learning went, Elliot seemed

perfectly fine. The one thing that struck Damasio as strange was how he
never noticed a single emotion rise out of Elliot despite all the time he spent
with him. He questioned whether this could be one of the reasons behind his
impaired decision-making capabilities. Elliot agreed that he was not as
emotional as he used to be. The things that once bothered him and would
have been likely to trigger an emotional reaction, no longer do. Elliot could
reason perfectly; the only problem he had was his inability to make decisions.
He either could not or would not come to a firm decision at the end. Damasio
(in his words) wrote: “The cold-bloodedness of Elliot’s reasoning prevented
him from assigning different values to different options, thereby making his
decision-making landscape hopelessly flat.”
That was a brilliant way in which Damasio described it. Hopelessly flat
landscape. That sentence alone tells us that we need emotions in our lives,
despite the roller coaster ride they bring us on. Without emotions, it would be
hard to act. Like Elliot, we wouldn’t be able to arrive at a conclusive
decision, and we could spend hours and hours reasoning to no avail.
Emotions are the deciding factor that makes some decisions more favorable
or salient than others. Without them, we would waste time going around in
circles over the same point, yet nothing gets done in the end.

We need them because:

Emotions help us decide which action is going to be the most

useful and meaningful at that time. Without them, you could be
weighing the pros and cons for weeks, maybe months, even a year
without ever reaching a conclusive decision. Anger tells us to act
aggressively. Sadness tells us to seek comfort.

Emotions make thinking goal-directed. Goals need values attached

to them to make the effort worthwhile. Some goals must be more
important than others, and it is the emotions we feel that help us
decide which ones we should focus on.

Emotions shed light on what you value or need. You act based on
your best interest or in the best interest of your loved ones.

Emotions are not a separate entity from thinking. In the Elliot

example, there is a clear link or connection between the two
processes, and one cannot exist without the other.
Emotions help others understand the way that we feel. Based on
the way we express ourselves through facial expression and body
language, it clues someone else in as to how you may be feeling. It
is through the emotions we express that others might get important
clues or indicators as to how they should act next.

Emotions help us understand others too. The emotional cues and

signals we decipher can lead to a wealth of information, and since
social communication is a big part of how we develop meaningful
relationships, understanding emotional cues allows us to react and
respond appropriately.

Emotions give us the drive and the desire that we need to meet our
expectations and goals (when they’re not getting the best of us,
that is).
Image Source: Medium.com

One of the earliest researchers who believed that emotions had a vital role in
play in our survival and safety was Charles Darwin. The fear that arises when
we encounter dangerous situations triggers the primal fight or flight response,
making it easy to reach the decision to flee if it is in your best interest to do
so.

How Emotions Are Created

Our emotions construct a big part of who we are. Without them, we would be
nothing more than empty tin cans walking around going through the motions
in an almost zombie-like state. The world would be incredibly dull if there
was no joy, no heartbreak, or fear. Without emotions, what would motivate
us to be cautious or bold? To reach for the starts and push beyond our
boundaries to see what we’re capable of? There’s no doubt that we need our
emotions, so how do they work exactly? There are a few different theories on
this subject.

In the late 1800s, American psychologist William James suggested that

emotions follow bodily reactions to external situations. For example, if
you’re feeling sad because you’re crying. Or you’re scared because you can’t
stop shaking. A similar theory was proposed by Danish psychologist Carl
Lange, and together, the James-Lange Theory was born. Both scientists were
committed to studying emotions and the kind of physical changes they evoke
in the body, and what the relationship between these two factors was.
Sometime in 1885, both men proposed their own independent viewpoints,
that emotions were based on two things. The first was the changes we
experienced physically, and the second was how well we understood these
changes. Both James and Lange were of the belief that we experienced these
physical symptoms first, after which we would interpret its meaning. This
created emotion.
Image Source: verywellmind.com

Walter Cannon, however, disagreed. Cannon believed that there were too
many bodily reactions that were similar, like a racing heart or sweaty palms.
These symptoms could be attributed to several similar emotions, like fear,
excitement, or anger, all of which exhibit racing heart and sweaty palm
symptoms too. Phillip Bard agreed, and together they formulated the
Cannon-Bard Theory of Emotion. This theory is based on how the human
nervous system works to express the emotions that go on within us, and what
they discovered was that we were capable of experiencing emotions without
necessarily getting any kind of physical response or feedback from the
chemical messengers. Cannon and Bard then experimented on the theory, and
it was discovered that messages get sent to two different places in the human
brain simultaneously. The first message gets sent to the part of the brain
known as the cortex, which is where emotions are formulated, while the
second message gets sent to the hypothalamus, which is the part of the brain
that controls our body’s automatic responses. The hypothalamus is the one
that tells our bodies how to react by sending chemical messengers, which is
why some emotions cause physical symptoms that include rapid breathing,
sweating, crying, and shaking with fear or anger. In other words, Cannon and
Bard believed that emotions could happen separately but simultaneously. A
racing heart does not cause fear, and fear does not necessarily cause the heart
to race. Rather, both things happen together.

Most psychologists today believe that our emotions happen to be tangled up

with our emotions too. Whether you’re afraid of a dog that’s barking at you
from the sidewalk depends on the way you’re interpreting the animal’s
behavior. It also probably has a little bit to do with what your personal history
with dogs happens to be. American psychologists Stanley Schacter and
Jerome Singer in the 1960s interpreted the idea that cognition defines
emotions. They called this idea the Two-Factor Theory, and they believed
that to experience emotion, you must feel both physical arousal and
cognitively label that arousal. In other words, arousal spurs emotion, but
cognition directs the action you take. The dog barking on the sidewalk may
trigger an arousal response, but if your cognition tells you there’s nothing to
be afraid of, then you’re not going to be afraid.

Still, Polish-born American psychologist Robert Zajonc claims all emotions

are the result of what happens when you put a name to your arousal. He
suggested that a lot of the emotional reactions we feel occur separately, or
even before our cognition kicks in. Hearing a sudden crash outside your
window, for example, will lead to an automatic reaction where jolt and feel
started even before your brain has had a chance to process what that noise
was.

The body’s autonomic nervous system has a role to play too. The autonomic
nervous system is the one that controls our involuntary responses, while the
sympathetic nervous system controls our inbuilt fight or flight response. Any
emotion that you experience is going to affect your body and your mind, and
it is your brain that is responsible for creating these emotions. Specifically,
the limbic brain. When someone cuts in front of you as you’re waiting in
line, the messages that get sent to the limbic structure tell your brain that you
should feel annoyed or angry about this.

Are They the Same as Feelings?

If you’re like most people, you’ve probably gone through most of your life
up to this point, believing that emotions and feelings are essentially the same
things. But that’s not uncommon. The similarity that exists between the two
traits is the reason for the confusion. Emotions are feelings are like opposite
sides of the same coin. Similar, yet there’s a clear distinction between the
two. Let’s discuss the differences between the two.

They’re not the same as moods either. Although we do say “I feel….” to try
and explain the emotion that we’re experiencing, emotions and feelings are
two very different concepts. Interrelated, yes. But different. Emotions take
time to happen because they rely on the chemicals produced in response to
certain triggers, and it takes about ¼ seconds before our brains can correctly
identify first the trigger, and then another ¼ second to produce the necessary
chemicals which result in emotions. Feelings, on the other hand, are the
product of what happens when we start to think about these emotions and let
it sink in. They last much longer than emotions do, and they can sometimes
be fueled by a combination of several feelings at once.

Emotions:

Universal. Most of us experience emotions in the same way.

Happiness is experienced the same way around the world, no
matter the gender, age, race, country, or religion. So is anger, joy,
sadness, frustration, fear.
Happen in our bodies.
Are neutral. It is neither good nor bad. It is our past conditioning,
the way we’ve been raised, socialized, and the way we perceive
what happens that puts a label on it.

Feelings:

They are personal and more psychological.

Are the way we interpret emotions. Remember that emotions are
neither good nor bad, but rather the way we perceive them that
creates this interpreted feeling. For example, when something
good happens, and we feel warm and fuzzy inside, we interpret
that as a positive feeling. Likewise, when something bad happens,
it is the cognitive reasoning that interprets the unhappy emotions
we feel as something negative.
Image Source: pediaa.com
How to Identify Them and How They Work
Fascinating things, aren’t they? This complex mix of emotions that we have.
They can drive us to do all sorts of brilliant, or weird stuff. Understanding
them and being able to identify these emotions in yourself and others if you
want to learn to control and eventually master your emotions. Misreading
your emotions (or someone else’s for that matter) can lead to a lot of
misunderstanding and confusion, creating complicated, confusing, and
sometimes dangerous situations.

The mind works in quirky ways. Not every emotion that happens is
acknowledged, identified, understood, or truly felt. It is only when we start
consciously paying attention that we begin observing how much emotions go
unprocessed in a day. The many worries that our mind formulates during the
day may remain un-interpreted or disavowed, later manifesting themselves as
directionless anxiety. Under the sway of emotions, we may feel a compulsive
need to do several things. Remain busy, perhaps, clinging to mindless
activities to avoid confronting the thoughts or emotions that scare us. There is
a price to pay for unprocessed emotions that are kept bottled up inside. When
the “bottle” reaches the point it can hold no more, everything comes bursting
forth. We lash out, act out, behave irrationally and impulsively, experience an
emotional breakdown, and many other undesirable consequences might
happen along the way. The one thing all of these scenarios lead to is regret.
We regret the way that we behaved or acted, but by then, it’s usually too late
to take it back. Or, we could become depressed because we never learned
how to properly identify and process raw emotion.

Identifying emotions and the way they work has been the subject of many
research topics over the years. In Discovering Psychology, a book published
by authors Don and Sandra Hockenbury, they point out that the emotions we
feel are a rather complex, psychological state which involves some very
distinctive components. Three of them, to be exact, which are:

The expressive response

 The experience we undergo subjectively
The physiological response that gets invoked.

In 1972, psychologist Paul Eckman put forth this idea that universally, we all
experience six basic types of emotions that goes across cultures. No matter
who you are or where you may come from, the six emotions that are
universally experienced by everyone in the world are:

Happiness
Anger
Fear
Sadness
Disgust
Surprise.
 A visual depiction of the six basic emotions and their corresponding facial
expressions.

Image Source: Medium

Looking closer at some of the common basic emotions every human goes
through, it is intriguing to observe the various ways in which these emotions
are expressed, depending on the situation on the context.

Emotion 1: Happiness - This most basic human emotion also

happens to be the most sought after emotion universally. Ask
anyone what they want, and they’ll tell you they want to be happy.
Almost everything we do is based on the hope that it is going to
make us happier. Why we strive to achieve this is because
happiness is one of the most pleasant states of emotions that we
experienced. Words that are generally used to identify this
emotion include joy, contentment, satisfaction, and gratification.
The way this emotion is expressed is through body language, tone
of voice, and facial expression. Happiness, on its own, is an
emotion that is universally experienced in the same way. The
aspect that differs is what we think is going to make us happy, and
this is subject to a lot of different influences. The reasons for our
happiness are subjective. What makes one person happy might be
different for someone else. Some people are happy chasing their
careers to feel a sense of fulfillment, while others are happier
concentrating on forging meaningful relationships instead.

Emotion 2: Sadness - Characterized as an emotion that is

transient, words used to identify this emotion include grief,
disappointment, disheartened, disinterested, or a sense of despair.
Sadness, however, is an emotion that can be damaging to our
physical and mental health. Prolonged and chronic levels of
sadness can lead to mental health issues like depression and
anxiety, which then leads to social isolation, withdrawal, and a
feeling of disconnect. Depending on what degree you’re
experiencing it, prolonged sadness can lead to dangerous coping
habits to attempt to deal with the strong feelings you have within
you.

Emotion 3: Anger - This is probably the most powerful out of all

the basic emotions we experience. It also happens to be the most
destructive. Anger is often accompanied by several words used to
identify the varying degrees of anger which we feel. This includes
hostile, annoyed, frustrated, furious, and feeling antagonistic
towards someone. This is by far the easiest emotion to identify in
terms of body language, especially through the powerful facial
expressions that show through. Frowning, glaring, clenching of the
fists, tightening of the jaw, snarling, or pursing their lips into a thin
line are all the visible signs of anger. This emotion is even strong
enough to trigger a physiological response, such as an increased
heart rate, sweating or even turning red in the face with anger.
Anger is another dangerous emotion, especially physically when it
leads to aggressive behaviors which include hitting, kicking,
punching and even throwing objects at another which could cause
them physical harm. When out of control, anger puts you, and
everyone else around you in danger.

Emotion 4: Fear - Just as powerful as anger, but not as

destructive. Fear drives us to act when we believe we’re under
threat. Fear is the primary trigger for the fight or flight response, a
mechanism that is built within us all, even though we no longer
have to rely on it so heavily for survival. When we experience
this emotion, the general symptoms that accompany it include
rapid heart rate, tense muscles, and a mind that snaps to attention
and becomes more alert. Our bodies in this state are primed to
either flee or stand our ground and face the perceived threat head-
on. This emotion triggers the most visible physiological responses,
although it is not experienced in the same way by everyone.
However, the unique thing about this emotion is that fear is one
emotion that we can condition ourselves to overcome. Exposing
ourselves repeatedly to the things that we’re afraid of over a period
of time helps to build a tolerance or resilience towards that trigger
until we no longer feel so afraid anymore.

Emotion 5: Surprise - Out of all 6 emotions, surprise is the

briefest. It is fleeting and usually lasts no more than a few
minutes, sometimes even seconds. This emotion is experienced
when we’re faced with something unexpected, and the
physiological response that often follows is the startled response.
 Unlike the other emotions, surprise can either be pleasant, neutral,
or negative. An unpleasant surprise, for example, usually doesn’t
feel good. Like when someone jumps out at you from behind. A
pleasant surprise would be when your family and friends surprise
you with a birthday party.

Emotion 6: Disgust - The sense of disgust that we feel could be

triggered by several factors, among which include smell, taste, or
sight. Disgust can also be experienced on a moral level, when we
disapprove of another’s behavior or think that the type of
activities, they might be engaged in are what we believe to be evil,
distasteful or immoral. Everyone has, at one point, turned away
from or felt disgusted by something or someone. Disgust, like fear,
is another emotion that can invoke a strong physiological response
within us. Depending on how disgusted we feel, physical
symptoms could include gagging, retching, wrinkling our noses in
disgust accompanied by the curl of the upper lip, and even
verbally expressing how disgusted we feel.

Understanding Emotional Intelligence (EI)

Another key aspect of learning to identify and accurately process emotions is
through emotional intelligence. A term which was coined back in 1997 by
two American psychologists John Mayer and Peter Salovey, they identified
emotional intelligence based on four abilities:

The way you identify emotions

The way you use these emotions
The way you understand emotions
The way you regulate emotions
Simply put, emotional intelligence is the ability to manage the emotions we
feel. Through EI, we can ignore, dismiss, or even choose to regulate our
emotions, including the unproductive ones when they are not going to serve
any benefit. EI teaches us how to empathize with others, to observe how
another person may feel and try to understand where they’re coming from.
The ability to empathize plays a role in strengthening the relationships we
have and shaping the way we connect with other people. A prized skill, EI is
now believed to be one of the many skills that contribute significantly to the
overall success that is achieved by a person. EI is not your average
intelligence because it focuses on your ability to identify and manage not
only your own emotions, but the emotions of others too. This is vastly
different from the academic kind of intelligence we have grown so
accustomed to thinking of when we mention the word “intelligence.” EI is
not
a subject they are going to teach you in the books that you memorize in
school. It is a skill that you need to develop and nurture through practice and
experience.

Salovey and Mayer designed a very helpful method of visualizing the four
important skills needed in EI. They called this the Four Branch Model, and it
is based on the premise that EI is divided into four distinctive categories.
Image Source: Anne Silvers

Identifying Emotions - This is focused on being able to

accurately recognize and identify emotions yourself and others.
This can be done by learning to decode, understand, and detect the
emotional signals that we all emit, whether we realize it or not.
Like body language, for example, which is a powerful indicator
and dead giveaway as to how a person might be feeling, despite
what they say verbally. When someone tells you they’re fine, for
example, but their facial expression is telling a different story,
that’s a very obvious indicator that they’re not okay.

Using Emotions/Facilitating Thought - Once you have identified

and perceived these emotions, that’s when the second phase comes
in: Understanding emotions. The category focuses on processing
the information you have received, and then relying on your
 cognitive functions to help you rationalize, decide, problem solve,
and even consider the perspective of others.

Understanding Emotions - This step underpins the importance of

understanding the way different emotions relate to each other.
Emotions can change based on the situations you may face, the
people you encounter, and how your own feelings might change
with time. To effectively manage your emotions and that of others,
you need to accurately decode the body language signals you see,
understand what they mean, and decide on a course of action from
there.

Regulating Emotions - This is the Emotional Intelligence skill

that relates to handling your own and others’ emotions effectively.
Typically, emotional management and understanding are
considered higher-level skills, as they rely heavily on your ability
to identify and use emotions to work effectively.

Salovey and Mayer’s work laid the foundation for author Daniel Goleman to
expand on this subject that he discusses in his bestselling book Emotional
Intelligence. his 1995 EI model is based on an extension of Salovey and
Mayer’s. In his model, Goleman states that EI comprises of five main
components, or what he refers to as “pillars of emotional intelligence,”
where Salovey and Mayer’s model only had four components. According to
Goleman, EI comes down to five key characteristics:

Self-Awareness: Which was a person’s ability to be aware of their

emotions and be acutely aware of how these emotions affected
them.

Self-Regulation: How well you could manage your emotions and

predict the effects they would have was what Goleman classified
 as self- regulation.

Motivation: A big part of emotional intelligence and why it is

responsible for success is because it keeps your motivation going.
Without motivation, it would be very easy to give in to your desire
to quit or run away when things become difficult.

Empathy: In everything that you do, people will be involved in

your life. Work, family, social settings, everything involves
coming into contact with other people, which is why it is crucial
that you go the extra mile to understand the people around you to
build meaningful connections.

Social Skills: People skills are the reason a person can become
successful. Through social skills, you learn to become a
communicator, someone who makes a difference in the lives of
others. Someone who can manage conflicts and effectively resolve
them. You’ll learn how to effectively manage your interpersonal
relationships so you can elicit the response you need from the
people around you.

Everyone has the capacity to understand and process our emotions. The only
thing is, we don’t seem to use it as often as we should. If we have the ability
to process, understand, and decipher ideas, we can certainly do the same with
our emotions, once we know the right way to do it.
 Chapter 123: The Most Important Emotions

If we were to visualize what losing control of our emotions looks like, it

would probably be a pot that was boiling and bubbling over, with the lid no
longer able to contain the contents within. Having emotional and explosive
reactions very rarely results in a positive outcome at the end of it. If anything,
we’re mostly filled with regret, embarrassment, shame, or humiliation as we
realize things could have been handled a lot differently if only we had learned
to control our emotions. Losing control is something that can happen to
anyone. The question is, why is it so hard to keep our emotions under
control?

The Reasons We Lose Control

The environment we live in today is tough. There’s so much going on at
home, school, work, after work, even during the weekends as we do our best
to try and juggle the responsibilities we have. Family commitments, career
obligations, social appointments, all the while trying to find some time in
between to attend to everything else that needs to get done. It’s a lot to
handle, and it’s hard to stay calm at times when you feel like you’re under
pressure or strain to get things done.

To complicate matters further, there are several situations that we could

encounter on any given day that could cause your emotions to bubble and
boil beneath the surface. Maybe you felt frustrated as you were trying to
resolve a problem at work but couldn’t seem to get it right no matter what
you tried. Perhaps you had a brush with a rude customer as you were waiting
patiently in line to get your morning cup of coffee on the way to work.
Maybe something embarrassing happened to you in public, and you’re still
feeling the sting of that humiliating incident. There are so many factors that
could trigger an emotional outburst; it’s hard to keep up with them all.

The reason we lose control or find it difficult to keep our emotions in check
has a lot to do with the brain once again. Imagine your brain has two sections,
one upstairs and one downstairs. In between the upstairs and downstairs is the
middle ground or the “midbrain.” The midbrain is where memories are
created and stored and below that (the downstairs part area) is the brain stem.
The brain stem controls the things our bodies do on autopilot. Like breathing
or blinking our eyes.

Image Source: Neurosceintifically Challenged

The brainstem is also responsible for controlling automatic reactions to

certain situations. For example, when you touch a cup of tea that is too hot,
your hand immediately recoils without thinking because your brain is telling
it to do so to stop you from getting your hand burned. The reaction is
automatic, and it requires no thinking at all. You know what to do in the blink
of an eye. Because of the way the brain reacts in these situations, it is also
referred to as the emotional brain. It is always ready to react in any situation
without thinking it through to help you “survive.” So, what’s happening in
the upstairs portion of the brain? Well, that area is also known as the cerebral
cortex. This is the logical and problem-solving area of the brain. You could
say this area is the thinking brain.

These two different sections of the brain don’t work alone. Messages get sent
from one area to the next all the time, communicating what our bodies need.
When there’s a problem, it’s the thinking brain that springs into action and
tries to come up with solutions. Usually, it does a great job of this until the
emotional brain stops communicating well. When these two sections of the
brain stop communicating with each other, it’s usually because your emotions
become too overwhelming, and your brain decides that you’re in a potentially
“dangerous” situation (even if it’s not true). Emotions slowly start to gain
momentum, and before you know it, you’ve lost control of the situation
entirely. Your emotions have become too strong that they’re now
overpowering everything else, including your ability to think logically and
rationally.

Of course, there are other factors that are likely to cause us to lose control of
our emotions too. These include:

Your Temperament - Some people are a lot more temperamental

than others. Which would explain why they get emotional a lot
quicker and more frequently. Our personalities and our
temperaments are different. Not all of us are wired the same way.
Some act quicker, while others need more time to process their
next move. Some people just happen to be a lot more emotional
than others because that’s their temperament.

You’re Stressed - Stress could act as a potential trigger for your

emotions too, leading to abrupt outbursts, temper tantrums, and
irrational behavior. It is your body’s way of reacting to the stress
that you already feel, and it’s unfortunate that it causes you to lose
 control over the situation while you do it.

You Had Emotional Role Models - The role models you had
growing up have an impact on shaping you to become the person
you are today. If you were surrounded by emotional people,
chances are this has influenced you to some degree. When this is
all that you knew growing up, you’re not going to see anything
wrong with it until it’s been pointed out to you.

You Can’t Express Yourself Well - When you have a hard time
making yourself understood, or expressing yourself, it can often
lead to a lot of feelings of frustration. The inability to express
yourself effectively can be frustrating. Poor communication skills
can often lead to a lot of misunderstanding, which could lead to
arguments which cause you to feel emotional.

You’ve Been A Pessimist All This Time - You have a rather

cynical, hostile view of the world around you. The glass is always
half empty, and there is not a silver lining in sight. When things
don’t work out the way that you expect them to, it sets off your
emotions, and you start to feel like you’re spiraling out of control.

Our Most Important Emotions

Our most important emotions are defined as any emotion that is going to
create a negative impact on our lives. These are the emotions you want to
effectively learn to deal with and master, and most of the time, these
emotions are likely to be negative. It’s always the negative emotions that get
out of hand easily, isn’t it? Like anger for example. One minute you’re
alright, and the next, you could be in a shouting match with a friend, co-
worker, or random stranger when something triggered your emotions the
wrong way. Negative emotions are the ones that come with the strongest
repercussions, which is why it is imperative you learn how to effectively
manage them if you want to exact any kind of positive change in your life.

How to Control and Master Your Emotions

Learning to master your emotions is essential if you want to live a life where
you are completely in control of the way you respond to what happens around
you. Maybe you can’t change the external circumstances or situations, but
you can change the way you react and whether you allow it to affect you or
not. Knowing that you have control over your emotions and feelings is one of
the best skillsets you can master (other than emotional intelligence). What we
need to realize is, no matter what emotion we feel, we’re not feeling it
because we HAVE to. We’re feeling it because we CHOOSE to allow
ourselves to do so. You are the source of your emotions; that is what you
always need to keep in mind. You don’t need a reason to feel good. You can
choose to feel good whenever you want.

The road to mastering your emotions can be a long, sometimes difficult

process. Learning how to deal with your emotions will impact how you are
perceived by others. No one thinks favorably of someone who is highly
emotional and prone to temper tantrums or frequent outbursts. These are not
pleasant to deal with, and it’s not a good feeling to always have to tiptoe
around someone because you’re worried about setting them off. You never
know when you can let your guard down, and that can be an exhausting
experience.

In Chapter 1, identifying emotions was discussed, and that’s something you

need to do again. It’s one of the major steps needed toward emotional
mastery, and you cannot achieve control without first identifying the
emotions you’re dealing with. Uncertainty about what emotions you’re
experiencing will leave you struggling to find the appropriate ways to
respond. The more clarity you have, the more you work on identifying your
emotions, the more information you will have to work with moving forward
in the process.

Be Kind to Yourself - Being emotional brings out the worst in

you and opens the door for your inner critic to rise to the surface.
If you’re ever going to learn to master your emotions, you’ll need
to put a stop to being critical and hard on yourself. Continue
indulging in this bad habit, and it will only serve to make your
emotions more difficult to regulate because you’re constantly
critical, and that makes your emotions fluctuate. One minute
you’re up, next you’re down, it’s like riding a roller coaster, only
this one is less enjoyable.

Fixate On Your Strengths - Avoid fixating on the things that

you’re not good at. If you do, then that’s all you’ll ever be able to
see. If you were to observe individuals with emotional
intelligence, you’ll notice that the one thing they do is fixate on
their strengths. Of course, they do acknowledge that they have
weaknesses too, everyone does, but the difference is that they
don’t focus on dwell on it because they know it does not bring
them any benefit. They’re always problem-solving and trying to
find solutions to the obstacles put in their path. The words “I
can’t” rarely ever comes out of their mouths, and this is how they
stay in control of their emotions even during the most trying
times.

Showing Appreciation for Your Emotions - Resisting your

emotions are not healthy, and it’s going to cause a lot more
problems than it resolves. Resisting emotions can cause
uncertainty, and it’s going to hold you back from using your
emotions to your advantage. But when you choose to appreciate
your emotions, you turn the experience into a lesson you can learn
from in the future. Therefore, openly accepting your emotions and
trying to identify its potential significance or meaning is
important. For example, when something unexpected happens and
it leaves you feeling frustrated or stressed. Instead of trying to
fight the frustration you feel, acknowledge the way you feel and
the circumstances that made you feel this way. It’s easier to get a
handle on things when it feels like there is less resistance in the
way.

Assessing Your Emotions - Be curious about the emotions you

feel. Curiosity will open the door to different opportunities,
perspectives, and unique insight into your emotions and the
circumstances that surround it. Being curious about your emotions
leads to questions like, “What is this emotion offering me? How
does this benefit me? What is the true value of this emotion? Does
it serve me or hinder me? What steps can I take to make this
better? How do I get the outcome I want? There’s a reason you
feel the emotions that you do, but without asking the right
questions, you won’t be able to successfully identify the
underlying causes. If we learn to listen and observe, emotions have
the potential to teach us some valuable life lessons we can learn
about ourselves. We need to be open to finding these answers by
encouraging curiosity to help you insightfully overcome the
emotional roadblocks you’re working through.

Create A Support System - Find a healthy outlet that works for

you to channel your emotions. This outlet should be something
that makes you feel good about yourself again and feel better after
an emotional time. For example, creating an emotional support
system. Talking to someone you can trust who won’t judge you in
return can be the antidote to an emotional, troubled soul. Not
everyone may be lucky enough to form these close relationships,
so it is okay to seek professional help if you feel you might benefit
 from having someone to talk to.

Forgiving Your Triggers - Your triggers can be people, places,

situations, or things that cause you to feel a certain way. Learning
how to forgive your triggers and learning to forgive yourself will
help you learn to detach yourself from the problems that
accompanied that emotion. The negative emotions that continue to
linger inside you will ultimately disappear with forgiveness.

See the Bigger Picture - Everything that happens to you happens

for a reason. Regardless of whether its good or bad. The ability to
analyze past situations and discern the meaning behind it will
come with practice and time. It’s an insightful kind of wisdom that
takes practice. It’s often hard to see the reasons why something
may have happened, especially when it’s unpleasant, but you’ll
eventually learn to see the bigger picture even in the middle of an
emotional situation.

The Key to Controlling Emotions

Those who struggle to control their emotions are often guilty of the same bad
habit: You’re grouping your emotions. You experience dozes of emotions
daily, and each emotion is a unique combination of personality, experience,
and context. This combination creates a unique mental state that becomes
unique to you as an individual. Despite the range of emotional diversity, most
people group their emotions into a few, simpler categories. For example, you
would say I feel miserable to describe a wide range of negative emotions.
You could have everything from frustration, sadness, guilt, or apathy mixed
in to describe the word “miserable.” Grouping your emotions together
cancels out the fact that each emotion is different. Yes, they make you feel
unhappy, but they create that feeling in different ways. Frustration is not the
same as sadness. Guilt is not the same as apathy. Not to mention the fact that
these emotions could be triggered by different events and, therefore, need to
be resolved separately on its own.

Complicating matters further is the way each word can be broken down into
even more meanings. For instance, when you feel sad, it could easily be
because you’re lonely, or it could be because you missed an opportunity at
work today that you wish you had acted on sooner. Why is grouping your
emotions together considered a bad habit? Because you’re neglecting the
problem. It’s impossible to figure out the root cause of the problem when
you’re not sure how you feel about it, to begin with. Separating your
emotions sounds like an easy exercise, but it can be surprisingly challenging.
To learn to master your emotions, you must take the time to identify the
emotion beyond its trigger. You need to identify the root cause of the
problem.

Stepping away from the problem can sometimes help to put things into
perspective and give you the time you need to calm down. Often, our
negative emotions can seem magnified and worse than they should when we
continue to be entangled with what’s triggering it. Give yourself the time and
space you need by taking a step back when things start to feel out of control,
and when you’re ready, begin this 6 step approach is the key to controlling
your emotions, and here’s what you need to do:

Step 1: Reflection - The first step requires careful observation of

your emotions and reflecting on them. It is easy to fall out of
touch with ourselves in this hectic world that we live in. With
multiple responsibilities to juggle and trying to manage one thing
after another, taking care of ourselves often falls by the wayside,
and we lose that connection to our innermost feelings. Instead of
learning to focus on our emotions when they arise, we choose to
do the easier path. We brush it aside, ignore them, or deny them
completely. Maybe even distract ourselves from those feelings by
doing something else. The more you deny your feelings though,
the harder it becomes to manage them later on. Bottling up your
emotions and hoping they will just go away on its own has never
proven to be an effective strategy. From this point forward,
whenever you experience an emotion (any kind of emotion),
observe it, acknowledge it, reflect on how it is making you feel.

Step 2: Observation - The way to identify your emotional triggers

and what sets you off is through careful observation. How often do
you notice the triggers that cause you to become emotional?
Probably hardly ever, but these are some questions you need to
start thinking about. You need to know what you’re dealing with
before you can start making moves to remedy it because you can’t
manage something that you don’t know. Why do you get worked
up? Why do you feel stressed? What’s responsible for creating this
feeling of happiness you now feel? Following Step 1, whenever
you make a note of every emotion you experience, write down,
and make a list of the things that triggered it. Examine that list
several times a week. Watch for patterns and recurring themes.
What do you see? Learning how to identify the triggers which
cause extreme emotional reactions are the key to learning how to
manage your emotions.

Step 3: Break - If you don’t give yourself a break when you need
it, your emotions are always going to get the best of you. You
cannot remain cool, calm, and collected and respond appropriately
when your emotions are as volatile as the waves of the sea in a
storm. We would all love to get conflict and problems out of the
way as soon as possible, but sometimes you need to take a time-
out or a five-minute breather to just clear your head whenever your
emotions are starting to get the best of you. That is the intelligent
thing to do.
Step 4: Respond - Your new approach is going to be learning how
to respond first instead of reacting. You need to now make
response your first default mode, and you do that with two of the
emotional intelligence pillars discussed in Chapter 1, which are
self-awareness and self-regulation. By paying attention to your
emotions, especially the ones that tend to trigger an extreme
reaction in the past, you can then learn how to regulate yourself.
You can make a conscious effort to choose the next move you are
going to make instead of letting your emotions decide for you.
You need to lead with your head, not your heart.

Step 5: Humility - Be humble, live simple. An attitude of

superiority is only going to exacerbate the negative emotions that
are already out of control. Superiority will make it very difficult to
achieve self-awareness because you will be blinded to your own
faults. It’s no problem for you to immediately point out the flaws
in others, but you won’t be able to see the things that you are
doing wrong. See everyone as an equal, not a subordinate,
regardless of what background they come from. Everyone
deserves to be treated respectfully. That’s the emotionally
intelligent thing to do.

Step 6: Write - It is often the simplest, tried, and true methods

that can prove to be the most effective. Put things into perspective
by writing down the emotions that you’re feeling. Everything that
you’re feeling. Pour your heart out, open the floodgates of
emotion, and just let it flow until you’re done. When you’ve
finished, read what you’ve just written down. If you’re not
comfortable enough talking to someone else about the way that
you’re feeling, talk to yourself. Write yourself a letter, put down
everything that you’re feeling onto that paper. Assess your
thoughts, observe the way that you’re feeling and reflect upon why
and what triggered such emotion within you. Once you’ve finished
 tear up or shred the paper. The point of this exercise is to provide
you with an outlet for your emotions to give you something that
helps you regulate the way that you’re feeling instead of just
letting the emotion fester within you.

Changing Your Emotional State

You have the power to make a positive difference or a negative one. You can
choose to go in either direction. When emotional intelligence is combined
with the strategies above, it brings several other benefits in addition to
controlling your emotions:

Your health improves because you will effectively learn how to

manage your stress levels.
You effectively learn how to manage conflicts and resolve them in
a beneficial or amicable manner without losing control or resorting
to an emotional outburst at the end.
You learn how to put a stop to conflicts before they even have a
chance to gain momentum when you know how to regulate your
emotions and that of others. Your relationships improve as you
learn how to forge and develop deep and meaningful bonds.
Your mental wellbeing improves as you develop a more optimistic
and positive outlook towards life when you’re no longer ruled by
volatile negative emotions.

Our emotions can cause us to become so wrapped up in our own thoughts and
lives that we tend to neglect everything else. A change in perspective is
needed to shift your emotional state and move away from the negativity that
drains you and depletes your energy levels. Especially when you feel like
you’ve hit a dead end.
To move from a negative attitude to a positive one requires a shift in your
mindset and certain habits that you practice each day. But before you get to
work on any of the measures below, there’s something else you need to do
first. Get rid of the victim mentality. You are NOT a victim, and feeling sorry
for yourself and moping about how you wish life could be better are all
qualities that you need to get rid of. Negativity will one serve to make your
emotions spiral even more out of control than they already are. Emotions are
powerful things. They have the ability to completely consume you, and take
over your every movement and thought. Everything easily seems much worse
when you’re feeling down in the dumps. It is time to rid yourself of this habit,
and take the necessary measures you need to infuse more positivity in your
life.

Getting over the victim mentality was the first phase. The second phase
involves embracing your emotions for what they are. Yes, even the less than
pleasant negative ones. It may seem like a strange request to ask you to
embrace your negative emotions along with the positive ones, but it’s the
only way you’re going to learn to effectively manage your emotions. By
accepting both the good along with the bad. A conscious effort to embrace
the negative emotions is the key to developing the skills and techniques
needed to regulate yourself because you’re acknowledging that there is an
issue that needs to be fixed.

After phase one and two, then move onto the other measures below to begin
creating that much-needed shift in your emotional state:

Starting Strong - Start your morning off on the right foot and
start it strong. That’s your new habit moving forward. Every day is
a brand-new day, a new chance, and a new opportunity to seize the
moment and make it the best that you can. Create a morning
routine that energizes you and gives you a reason to jump out of
bed, excited to begin the day. Have something to look forward to
each day and make that the first thing you focus on as soon as the
alarm rings. Take deep breaths and feel grateful for each one,
make a list of the things you need to do today, set mini goals, and
start your morning strong.

Routine Change - You’ve probably been in this emotional state

for a while and now realized it’s not doing you any favors. Doing
things repetitively gets a little mundane after a while, no matter
how much you love what you’re doing. Variety keeps us on our
toes and keeps things interesting. A change in routine could be
exactly what you need to change your emotional state. Break the
monotony, try something new, experience something you haven’t
before, and come back refocused and recharged back on track once
more.

Positive Repetition - When you’re constantly exposed to

something repetitively, it becomes difficult to ignore. Like
negative thoughts, for example, that keep weighing on your mind
day in and day out. Because it’s always there and on your mind,
they become difficult to ignore, and eventually, the self-
deprecating messages they project eventually seeps into your
subconscious, and you believe what these messages are telling
you. Well, that’s the approach you need to take again this time,
except now you’re going to do it with positive affirmations.
Affirmations are the motivational drivers that remind you of what
you set out to do and what you need to accomplish, and if they are
everywhere all the time, it becomes difficult to ignore. Write down
your goals, reminders, motivational quotes or anecdotes on post-it
notes, and stick them everywhere. Write down other positive
affirmations, words that inspire you quotes by successful leaders
that motivate you. Around your home, your office, your car, your
mirrors, all the places that you frequent on a daily basis. Stick it,
read it, remember it.
Establish Priorities - The ability to prioritize provides a clear
sense of direction, and it always ensures that the most important
things of all don’t slip through the rungs. Instead of allowing your
mind to focus on the negative emotions that keep trying to push
their way in, give it something else to focus on instead. Like your
priorities, for example. Without priorities and the goals to match,
it’s easy to let your emotions distract you and lead you off the
path. Set priorities and make a commitment to seeing it through.
Train your mind to believe that quitting will not be an option until
that priority has been accomplished for the day. Sometimes what
the mind needs is a shift in what it is focusing on to create a shift
in your emotional state.

It’s Okay to Make Mistakes - Unfortunately, some people have a

need to always be right. It’s wired in their personality. The
inability to accept that mistakes, however, is like walking around
with an Achilles’ Heel. This habit only makes you an even more
emotional person, because you’ll always be argumentative,
stubborn, and difficult to be around. Not everything is always
going to go according to plan, and that’s okay. Sometimes
mistakes get made even when you’ve tried your best, and that’s
okay too. Take a deep breath, calm down and tell yourself that’s
the way life is at times. It’s unpredictable and the only thing you
can do is try your best. To control your emotions, you must learn
to be adaptable and flexible, or you’ll always find yourself getting
worked up over even the smallest of things. Your ability to be
adaptable is going to be the deciding factor in how happy you are
in your pursuit of managing your emotions.

Changing Your Patterns - It can be surprisingly difficult to gain

the perspective you need to overcome your emotional challenges.
If you’re reading this, like most people, you’re probably stuck in
the same patterns and routines because of the safety and
 familiarity it offers. Being reluctant to change and step out of your
comfort zone is going to deprive you of the experience you need to
gain an emotional perspective. You’ll always try to avoid facing
anything that you’re not comfortable with. Emotional mastery
comes when you learn to change your patterns and be willing to
step out of your comfort zone. A good starting point would be to
confront uncomfortable emotions you ordinarily would have run
away from. Commit to facing your fears and finding new ways of
dealing with emotionally challenging situations. This exercise
enhances your emotional intelligence capacity by giving you a
better understanding of who you are and what you’re capable of.

Your mental toughness is also a very powerful asset that you possess.
Essentially, these goals, routines, and priorities are giving you a sense of
purpose. Even if the goal or the task at hand may be something small, it
doesn’t matter. The point is, your mind needs something else to focus on, and
if you don’t give it what it needs, you’re looking at an uphill battle of trying
to control your emotions with no end in sight.
 Chapter 124: Emotional Influencer

It’s a power that you’re probably unaware of up until this point. The secret
power that you have to control and influence your emotions. How do we
influence our emotions? With a method known is conditioned responses.
Here’s how it works:

“You’re at a public speaking event, waiting for it to start. As soon as the

speaker walks out on stage, you and the rest of the audience members begin
applauding. The speaker thanks the crowd and proceeds to give their speech.
When they’re done, they exit the stage, and a couple of minutes later, the next
speaker walks out on stage. Once again, you and the rest of the audience
members begin applauding, and once again, the speaker kindly thanks the
crowd.”

This scenario is common and happens so frequently we don’t notice it

anymore. Public speaking events, seminars, events, concerts, when the
presenter walks out on stage, the audience claps, and the speaker says thank
you after the applause. We do this without anyone explicitly telling us that
we need to do it. We automatically clap, and the speaker or presenter in turn,
automatically says thank you to the crowd. That’s what a conditioned
response looks like. It is a response to a certain trigger or stimulus. In the
case of the example above, the trigger or stimulus would be the speaker
walking out on stage and indicates it’s your cue to clap.

These conditioned responses are everywhere we go. Someone cuts you off in
traffic, you instantly feel annoyed. You arrive at work and see the mountain
of paperwork you need to go through; you feel stressed. You see your loved
one or family member, your face immediately lights up with a smile, and you
feel happy. You walk down the street past a row of shops and cafes, a certain
smell wafts by and hits your nose and you’re immediately taken right to your
childhood. It’s a cue response system, but what you probably didn’t realize is
that you can make these cue response systems work for you.
How You Can Influence Your Emotions
A predictable response is a response that tends to repeat itself. Let’s say a
friend came by and asked you to go and grab a cup of coffee with them. You
might say yes, or depending on what’s going on at the moment, you might
say no. If that friend were to ask you the same question 10-minutes later,
your response then might be different too. Earlier you might have said no, but
10-minutes later, the answer could be yes. That’s not a conditioned response
because it’s not predictable or repetitive. Now, someone who is terrified of
spiders, on the other hand, demonstrates a predictable response. As soon as
they see a spider (the cue or stimulus), they go into panic mode or start to
freak out every single time. That’s a predictable response; in this case, the
spider triggers the predictable fear response.

Any cue that elicits a predictable response is like an anchor. Anchoring is a

very significant and commonly used technique known as Neuro-Linguistic
Programming (NLP). Anchoring is best described as a neurological
association between a sound, scenario, or situation and the behavior we have
when we come face-to-face with that situation, just like a conditioned
response. Anchoring helps us to associate a desired positive emotional
response when we face a certain sensation. Maybe you’re wearing a piece of
clothing that you call “your lucky jacket,” or a charm bracelet for good luck,
maybe a lucky pair of socks, even. These things are all cues that trigger a
specific response or emotion within you. You see, on some level, you already
know you can trigger these responses. Case in point, wearing lucky items of
clothing. This means if you know the correct trigger, you can elicit any
response in yourself or someone else that you want. We learn through both
emotions and physical occurrences. Therefore, both these elements determine
how we behave. While not always predictable, some behavior can be
learned.

Ivan Pavlov coined the term Classical Conditioning in 1927, and his
experiment is still used as a reference point to this day because of how clearly
it demonstrates conditioned behavior at work. Pavlov believed that behavior
could be learned through conditioning where a stimulus is administered, and
a response follows. His most famous experiment of this theory was when he
conditioned dogs to start salivating at the sound of the bell in anticipation of
food. The food acted as a conditioned stimulus, and salivation is the response.
Today, classical conditioning is a widely known basic learning process.

Image Source: Conbeh

Operant Conditioning is another type of conditioning that is sometimes

referred to as instrumental conditioning. This method was explored by B.F.
Skinner, who maintained that it was unnecessary to look into internal desires
to interpret or control behavior. Here, the behavior is determined by the
consequences of an action, which can be in the form of reward or
punishment. Skinner believed that actions that produce desirable outcomes
tend to be repeated, and those that lead to punishments are not likely to be
repeated. In this sense, positive reinforcement will encourage the behavior to
be repeated in the future. Behavior is controlled by stimuli that are present
when a behavior is incentivized or penalized.

Image Source: Very Well Mind

What these tell us is that you can create and establish new triggers and
responses. You have the power to do it, and there are two reasons why this
works:

Pattern Recognition - This means that your brain can learn from
past experiences and apply this learned behavior to new and
similar situations. Basically, pattern recognition keeps you from
making the same mistake twice. There’s an evolutionary reason
why the brain is designed to work based on pattern recognition.
When our early ancestors encountered a ferocious predator and
barely escaped with their lives, the brain begins to recognize that
the next time they encounter something similar, they apply that
learned knowledge and realize they should flee before the predator
 attacks. This also happens to be how anchoring and conditioning
work. You enter into a specific situation, and that situation triggers
a specific cue, which then elicits a specific response. Depending
on whether that situation plays out well (positive or negative
experience).

Action Energy - Research on this subject was conducted by Dr.

David Hamilton, who had a group of people over the course of
several weeks practice a simple song on the piano. Once he was
sure that the song was cemented in the participants’ minds, he took
a brain scan while they were playing the song. He then took
another brain scan, this time asking the participants to only
imagine themselves playing the song. Examining the results of
both brain scans side by side, there was no way of telling which
brain scan was which. This means that to our brain, there is no
difference between having the actual experience or vividly
imagine it. This point emphasizes that it is very possible indeed to
create anchors for ourselves.

How Your Thoughts Can Influence Your Emotions

To understand how our thoughts can influence our emotions, we need to go
back to NLP. The term “NLP” refers to the language of the mind. Neuro is
the brain part of the reference, while linguistic represents the language
portion. Simply put, NLP is about learning the language of your brain (mind).
When we don’t understand the language our mind speaks, it’s hard to forge a
connection. That’s why it often feels like you have no control over your
thoughts or your emotions. Because that vital connection is missing. It’s like
being on holiday in a foreign country. You’re in unfamiliar territory where
nobody spoke your language, you can’t understand them, and they couldn’t
understand you. What does that feel like? Frustrating, most of the time,
because you’re constantly struggling to make yourself understood.
NLP has a lot to do with emotional intelligence. It teaches you how to
connect with the language of your mind, understanding your mind as well as
how someone else’s mind could think. It helps you connect mindfully with
your subconscious mind to better understand what you want out of life. Your
subconscious mind is a powerful thing, and when you can tap into that power,
to harness it to improve your life for the better, there’s no telling what kind of
success you can accomplish. NLP teaches you how to become in tune with
your mind, to be able to understand it in a way you’ve never had before. In
doing so, it helps you become more emotionally intelligent, and thus, learn to
be in control of and influence your emotions.

By using NLP and emotional intelligence, you develop the ability to

recognize, use, and manage emotions in constructive and positive ways. It
makes you better equipped at recognizing the emotional state of other people
and engaging with them effectively in a way that is mutually beneficial, safe,
and trustworthy for all. By understanding the language of the mind and
combining it with emotional intelligence, you can facilitate improvement in
relationships, build authentic partnerships and create meaningful connections
especially with the groups of people we find the hardest to connect with such
as colleagues, bosses, team members, clients, and more.
Image Source: Eiq-2

Mastering your emotions and allowing your thoughts to influence the way
you want to feel requires the following steps:

Reframe Your Content - This technique is extremely useful

whenever we feel helpless or when negative thoughts and
emotions come weighing down on us. Reframing involves taking a
negative situation and empowering yourself by changing the
meaning that you associate the experience with, subsequently
turning it into a positive experience.
It starts with identifying the negative scenario, like divorce, for
example. Divorces are never easy, but let’s reframe it. What are
 the positive outcomes of being divorced? You can now look at
other relationships. You can also look forward to forming a better
relationship with the next person since you have learned valuable
lessons. You have the freedom to do the things you couldn’t do
while being in the previous relationship. You have taken a
negative scenario and reframed it to give yourself an entirely
different experience. Shifting your focus to more positive aspects
just helps you have better clarity, thus enabling you to make better
decisions.

Creating Submodalities- Submodalities in NLP are classified as

visual, auditory, kinesthetic, and olfactory/gustatory. Each
submodality represents the way we encode and attach meaning to
our experiences. NLP believes that the brain codes emotional
significance differently. This means everyone’s brain is going to
code differently based on their own mental “image” or
representation. Submodalities are among the NLP techniques,
which can help you minimize your stress, either indirectly or
directly. Using submodalities will help you learn to disassociate
yourself from stress, so it doesn’t reflect in your behavior.
Learning to listen to the way that you feel is your first step towards
altering your submodalities. When you’re feeling a particularly
strong or tense emotion, do something else that takes your mind
away from focusing on the negative.

You need NLP to help you connect with your mind and understand your
thoughts in a way you have never could before. What you think and feel, and
what you want to say, will be two different things. NLP is meant to bridge the
gap between your conscious and subconscious mind. It is about
understanding what your brain is trying to tell you. Without this
understanding, it would be challenging to connect yourself to your thoughts,
which would then make it more difficult for you to regulate your behavior
and body language. To learn to regulate your emotions, you must be able to
identify your current limitations and to break through them. NLP’s focus is
about learning how to tap into the subconscious mind and become more adept
at managing your emotions.

How the Body Influences Your Emotions

A burst of laughter when something hilarious happens. Tears streaming down
the cheeks in times of sadness. A frown that creases the forehead. The wave
of nausea in response to the nervous butterflies in your stomach. A jolt of
excitement when opening a present. One thing’s for sure; our emotions very
clearly cause a physical response. The quick flashes of emotion that we feel
in our bodies in the spur of the moment are only a tiny example of the way
emotions impact us physically. So, just how deep is the connection between
the mind and body? Does one affect the other? If so, how much?

The human body responds to our emotional health in several ways. Let’s look
at an example of what might happen when our mental health is not doing so
well. When you’re anxious, nervous, worried, or sad, the body’s pH levels
begin fluctuating. This is responsible for the corresponding stomach aches,
constipation, insomnia, or high blood pressure that is experienced. When
you’re constantly unhappy or stressed, your immune system is compromised.
When we experience anxiety, for example, our body’s pulse rate and
breathing rate go into overdrive to enable our brains to get more oxygen. This
helps us to respond effectively to any intensive situation. When this happens,
our immune system gets a quick boost, and then when the stress passes, our
body functions normally again at the right rate. However, repeatedly feeling
anxious and stressed means that the body is on overdrive constantly and it
never gets the chance to return to normal functioning. As a result, our
immune system starts eroding, making us more vulnerable to viral infections,
diseases and we get ill very often too. If you’re wondering why you happen
to fall sick during a lot easier during particularly stressful times, this is why.
When you’re feeling moody or nervous, you’re a lot more likely to overlook
your physical health too because it’s going to be the last thing on your mind.
Instead, you’re going to succumb to the pesky temptations that slowly begin
to feel harder to resist and you find yourself reaching for the unhealthy
snacks or that glass of wine you know you shouldn’t.
Other ways our emotions influence our body include:

Affecting the Cardiovascular System - When we experience an

anxiety attack, our heart rate begins to quicken, beating rapidly
against the chest. This increases the heart rate, which is why those
who suffer from anxiety or panic attacks often report experience
heart palpitations and chest pain, sometimes mistaking it for a
heart attack episode. If you already have heart disease, having
anxiety, or being extremely emotional complicates this problem
and further increases the risk of coronary problems.

Affecting the Respiratory System - The shallow breathing

experienced when anxiety sets in makes it difficult to breathe, and
if you already have chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, then
you are at a greater risk of anxiety-related complications. For those
dealing with asthma, anxiety, and being in a chronic state of
heightened stressful emotions may worsen the asthma symptoms
you have.

Affecting the Body’s Central Nervous System: Long term stress

and anxiety cause our brains to release stress hormones regularly
as a coping mechanism. While this happens, the body then starts
getting headaches and experiences dizziness often. Eventually, this
perpetual chronic state leads to depression. When a person starts
feeling stressed and anxious, their nervous system is flooded with
chemicals and hormones, namely adrenaline and cortisol, that are
designed to respond to this threat. While this is helpful when you
are actually going through a highly stressful event, long term
exposure to stress hormones can be very harmful. Long term
exposure to cortisol could also lead to weight gain.

Affecting the Digestive System - Experiencing strong waves of

emotion could potentially affect your digestive system too,
 especially if what you’re dealing with is anxiety. Emotions can
cause stomach aches, diarrhea, nausea, and a loss of appetite.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and bowel infections due to the
constant or lack thereof of bowel movements could be another
potential side effect, depending on how much you’re affected by
your emotions. IBS also causes diarrhea, vomiting, and
constipation. Not very pleasant symptoms to experience.

Trying to keep a handle on your emotions takes a lot of determination and

energy. When it feels like you’re exerting every ounce of willpower you have
left to control your emotions, it can leave you feeling drained, tired, fatigued,
aching, and sore physically. While emotions are a part of who we are, our
bodies were not designed to handle adrenalin and cortisol for extended
periods. Adrenaline leaves you sweaty, jumpy, and unable to relax,
sometimes so frozen with fear that you can’t react anymore. To make matters
worse, dealing with insomnia that follows these stressful periods make it
difficult to get the necessary restful sleep that you need at night. Being sleep-
deprived only makes it harder to feel in control. But possibly the worst side-
effect of all is the danger that you put your heart in when you struggle to
control and regulate your emotions.

It’s not all bad news, though. As much as emotions can impact you
negatively, they are also very capable of doing the opposite. When you’re
feeling happy, for example, your breathing and heart rate improves. The brain
releases more endorphins and dopamine, the happiness chemical that our
bodies need to feel good. Feeling relaxed and content has also been thought
to boost the growth of new brain cells, which, in turn, helps to improve our
cognitive abilities and memory.

Emotions play a big role in our physical health. Learning to pay attention to
these signs can be helpful in signaling that something may not be quite right
with our emotional health. By listening to your body, you can begin taking
the necessary action to influence the body in a positive way, improving your
emotional and mental well-being in the process. The reason we end up
becoming stressed and anxious and find it difficult to break out of this
unhealthy cycle is that we do not place enough importance on mind, body,
and soul health. Taking care of our bodies not only means just the physical
aspects of it, but the mental and emotional aspects too. Too often, we’re so
focused on the physical aspect that we neglect and forget there’s a whole
other aspect that needs attention and care too. We don’t realize the extent of
what being weight down by stress, worry, and anxiety can do to us.

The best way to learn to control your emotions and use them to positively
influence the body? Meditation. Consistent meditation disables the
distractions we face by filtering it before it starts to bottleneck. It’s like a
river dam that ensures the right amount of water flows and gets to where it
needs to go. Meditation, in the same way, filters the less important data that
we are exposed to and sends only the necessary and important info into our
brain. In other words, it helps us determine what information should we focus
on and what we do not need to focus on that may cause chronic anxiety. A
study conducted by Dr. Sara Lazar in 2005 was a landmark study that showed
the brains of those who meditated were much thicker and had more folds and
surface area in their prefrontal cortexes. This study is used now by various
neuroscientific and psychological researches as the go-to foundational study
for other mental health issues such as depression. Those who meditate, even
for 10 to 15 minutes a day, are usually anxiety-free, happy, and healthy.

Sometime in the 1970s, Harvard physician Herbert Benson looked at the

behaviors of the patients who visited him because of their stress-related
disorders. His observation led him to look at ways that he can counteract this
association, simultaneously revolutionizing the mental care industry in the
process. Dr. Benson’s discovery was the connection between the mind and
body through meditation. It slowed metabolism, reduced the heart rate,
resulted in measured breathing and quieter brainwave activity. All of this
combined brought out the right foundations for healing. When meditating,
our body activates the parasympathetic nervous system and simultaneously
deactivates the body’s stress mode. When this happens, the body reverses
several health issues, primarily anxiety, supporting Dr. Benson’s research.
The mind-body connection puts the body the meditative state it needs to
relieve anxiety, manage stress, and control the strong, overwhelming
emotions we all battle at some stage.
Image Source: citygirlsavings.com

How Words Influence Your Emotions

Being overly emotional can cause a difference in behavior. You become
prone to behaving and talking in a way you normally wouldn’t. Once
something has been said and done, that’s all there is to it. It can never be
undone, and the words that have been spoken can never be forgotten. This is
why you constantly need to work hard at maintaining control over one of the
most powerful forces going on within you. The ability to know, understand,
and appropriately respond to emotions, overcoming stress, and being aware
of our words and actions and how they affect others is how we can become
effective at learning to master our emotions too.

The language that we use most often determines our brain’s fundamental
capacities and the automatic physiological we are subjected to because of that
language. Therefore, awareness of the way we use our words is one of the
most crucial factors that will determine the state of our emotional wellness. In
other words, if you want to be happy, you need to be using the right words
and language. We rely on language to interpret the different sensations,
events, and experiences we undergo. We use language to put a name to the
emotion that we’re feeling at the time. The different words that we use create
different physiological responses. For example, two people could be going
through the same situation. Person A says, “That’s alright, it could have been
worse,” while Person B says, “This is the worst thing that could have ever
happened to me.” Person A is going to be the one with a better, slightly
happier emotional well being by simply phrasing the same situation using
different words.

Words can be a powerful force of good when used for the right reasons, but
on the other end of the spectrum, it can be used to inflict great harm and pain.
The pen is mightier than the sword stems from the very real fact that words
can cause a great deal of pain and leave scars so deep they might never fully
recover. English philosopher and writer Aldous Huxley once said words are
like an X-ray. When words are used in negative ways, these words can pierce
through almost everything. Dignity, self-esteem, even the identity of another
can be threatened with the right kind of words.

To start using words in a way that creates a more positive influence on our
emotional wellbeing, we need to start adjusting our words to reflect respect.
Respect for our emotions and respect for the situations that are challenging us
to become a better person through those experiences. We need to rephrase the
language we use so that we’re embracing our emotions for what they are
instead of trying to deny their presence. We need to use our words to
understand our negative emotions instead of treating them like an enemy. In
this case, metaphors can be powerful tools. They are often used in books,
movies, and commercials to help convey and emphasize messages. They
have the same powerful effect that positive affirmations do. To create a
positive shift in mindset requires using only positive metaphors and
descriptions, and finding the ones that work best for you.

To begin cultivating a new mindset, you need to start using words that inspire
positivity when you speak them. Words like positive, optimistic, full of
potential, love, joy, happiness, and success. Eventually, these words will
reflect your life. The mind hears exactly what you say, and it believes what
you tell it as long as you don’t doubt yourself. Avoid trying to copy someone
else’s metaphors because it has to be something that resonates deeply with
you. It must be something you feel connected to, something which stirs up
powerful emotions and fuels your desire to be better. Someone else’s
metaphors may work well for them, but it may not necessarily work as well
for you, because your priorities would be different. Hearing yourself use the
right words is crucial. For instance, think about how you’ve been describing
your life so far. What sort of words do you use? Are terms like mundane,
stressed, miserable, or worried the first thing that spring to mind? These
negative words can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Picture your ideal self. Visualize it as though it has already happened, and
you are the person that you want to be. What do you see? If you were to look
at yourself through another person’s eyes, would you be happy with the
character traits that you see? Be crystal clear about the vision, and it will help
you decide the words that you need to use to describe this ideal version of
yourself. Be determined never to be associated with such negative descriptive
words anymore. Now that you’re aware that words are more powerful than
you might have initially given them credit for, here’s what you can do to
ensure you’re using the right kind of words that influence your emotions in a
positive way:
Focus on Making Positivity Your Motto - Focus on making
positivity your default mode and teach others to do the same. If
your mind is capable of complaining and being negative without
even thinking about it, you can certainly start controlling your
thoughts to accomplish the opposite. To become a more
disciplined individual with an optimistic outlook in life, you need
to imagine you are a motivational speaker and do what they do -
preach and teach. At every appropriate opportunity, talk about
positivity. It’s a contagious quality. So, you’ll not only encourage
yourself, but you’ll also encourage others to be more positive.
Plus, the practice of using positive dialogue is going to reaffirm
the words in your mind the most you use them.

Take A Cue From Books - Successful people read a lot. Thus,

they are in perpetual control of their thoughts, projecting only
what they want into their reality. You are now entering the early
stages of learning to be in the driver’s seat to be the one in control
of your mind instead of giving it this same power. These early
phases are the most crucial. It’s when your mind is beginning to
relearn, regrow. A rebirth, so to speak. To help it grow, you need
to feed it with the nourishment that comes in the form of
inspirational books. Devour regularly and consistently. Observe
the language that is used in these books, make a note of it and try
to use the same kind of language in your everyday life. The more
inspirational they are, the better. Any book that will drive your
determination, self-discipline, and willpower. Stock up on books
that equip and empower you to realize your dreams. Fill your
library with them.

Be an Edison - Thomas Edison, that is. Thomas Edison could not

have said it better when he said, am I’m paraphrasing, I did not
fail, I simply found 1000 ways not to make a lightbulb. After all, if
Edison had let it stop him, we wouldn’t be benefiting from his
incredible accomplishments today. Do you see how the words he
used changed his perception? What everyone else saw as a failure,
he simply perceived as a learning opportunity. Similarly, our
mistakes can provide great teaching moments. This simple way of
controlling your thoughts and the words you use can make a big
difference.

Creating A Motivational Environment - Create a conducive

environment that induces positivity with images of motivational
quotes, sayings, mantras, or goals around the space. Anything that
will drive you is a welcome addition. Print out vibrant, colorful
posters and imagery of words or pictures that inspire you. Choose
images that motivate you to focus and follow through with your
current task. If you work in a cubicle, write motivational quotes on
post-it notes and stick it around your space.
 Chapter 125: Masterful Control

People have specific ways of processing and dealing with the negative
emotions they feel. Some choose to avoid them; others choose to deny them.
Some people choose to play the victim card by trying to make their misery
seem bigger than anyone else’s. It’s not uncommon for the latter group to
say something like this: “You think your life is miserable? You don’t even
know half of what I’ve been through.” There is, however, one group of
individuals who succeed. They are the ones who choose to learn from their
emotions and find better-coping strategies. They are the ones who
successfully overcome their unhappiness because they choose to learn from
their emotions. They have realized that only they have the power to change
the way they feel.

No emotion is going to be stronger than your desire for change. The moment
you decide to change is the moment change happens. You start to bring about
a shift in your emotions when you decide you want to turn things around.
Let’s go back to emotional intelligence again real quick and see how the core
pillars are going to help you as you learn to masterfully control your anger,
depression, and anxiety. To recap, the five core pillars of emotional
intelligence are:

Self-awareness
Self-regulation
Empathy
Motivation
Social skills.
Image Source: Let’s Prosper

Each pillar now plays a specific role that is essential in changing your
perception and the way you view and handle things that happen in your life.
Masterful control through emotional intelligence happens when:

You Develop a Greater Sense of Self-Awareness - By far the

most important pillar out of the entire five, self-awareness is the
foundation that sets the standard for the other four pillars.
Particularly when it comes to conquering your emotions. To be so
aware of your emotions and the way that it affects you as well as
the people around you is a skill that not a lot of people have
mastered because it’s not as easy as it sounds. On paper, it does
but put it into practice, and you’ll see what a challenge it can be to
shift your emotions if you don’t understand what it is that you’re
feeling.

You Learn to Be Assertive - Anxiety and depression, for

example, can cause many people to be wary of or afraid of their
emotions. As such, they have difficulty expressing and asserting
the way they feel. Emotional intelligence encourages awareness
about the way you feel, and to regulate your emotions enough, so
they don’t have to feel more powerful than you are. You are
stronger than any emotion that you feel.

You Respond More Than You React - Responding negatively

results in subsequent negative reactions, leading to anxiety,
negativity, chronic worry, and of course, depression. Emotional
intelligence is the necessary skill needed to stay calm in any
stressful situation. By being aware of your emotions and
regulating them in the way that is needed, you’re able to mitigate
your reactions by refraining from impulsive decisions. Before you
respond to anything that you go through with immediate anxiety
and negativity as your default reaction, think about the situation
rationally. Is it really as bad as it seems? 90% of the time, things
feel a lot worse than they really are because of the way we choose
to respond. By learning to respond without reacting, you’re
assessing the situation internally and acknowledging the way you
feel, but on the outside, you try to maintain and calm and cool
composure without giving away how you feel. This gets easier to
do with emotional intelligence, which gives you the capacity to
(even in your highly emotional state) to understand the
 consequences of your actions.

How to Master and Control Anger

You can hold a grudge for years because of your anger. You know people
whom you have not spoken to for a very long time because you still feel
anger towards them. You find yourself having dangerous suicidal thoughts,
perhaps even have tendencies of violence. You are unable to express your
anger appropriately, choosing instead to keep it buried inside. Your anger is
preventing you from living a meaningful, happy life. You constantly find
yourself feeling disgruntled, irritated, and frustrated more than you are happy,
and even the smallest of instances could set you off because of it. You’re
verbally, emotionally (sometimes even physically) abusive towards others
around you. You find that it spills over not just into your personal life, but
professional life as well. Any of these scenarios sound familiar to you? If yes,
then it’s entirely possible you’ve got an anger problem that you need to now
learn how to control.

If you think anger is only a problem when it’s violent temper tantrums and
shouting matches, think again. Repressed anger can be just as much of a
problem. This unexpressed anger works the same way as a volcano does. It
bubbles and boils under the surface until one day when something sets you
off, all that repressed anger just comes shooting out with catastrophic
consequences. Anger, which is not expressed or shown, is just as bad as
anger, which is blatantly displayed. Either way you spin it, anger is a very
real problem that can’t be ignored any longer. Not if you want to become a
true master of your emotions, at least.

Controlling your anger is not about suppression. Suppression is not the goal.
The goal here is to learn how to control that anger, to understand why you
are reacting the way that you are. To learn how to respond better without
jumping to anger as your first immediate reaction. To be able to effectively
handle situations that would have normally aggravated you without losing
control. That is the goal of learning how to control your anger. Denying your
anger issues is one of the WORST things you could do. More importantly, it
will not help you learn to control it. Facing your less than desirable qualities
may not be something that you want to do, but living in denial and ignoring it
never solved anything either. The more you deny your emotions and anger
issues, the worst it will be for you when it comes to managing it. A more
likely scenario is you find yourself feeling angrier and losing your temper
even more because you feel helpless and unable to control the situation.

Mastering your angry emotions, like everything else, comes down to the right
coping techniques and skills to get the situation (your emotions) under
control. To effectively do that, you need to:

Look At The Root Reason - Anger always stems from something.

There is always a cause and a trigger. Your childhood, a previous
traumatic experience, your role models growing up, your stress
levels. All these things add up and could build towards anger
problems. To begin learning how to control your anger, you must
first explore and connect with the core reason anger is your first
line of response is how you to control it. Did you know that your
anger is very often a response that is meant to cover-up other
feelings that you may have? That is why exploring the root reason
is the only way to treat the problem at its core. What are those
feelings? Jealousy? Embarrassment? Hurt? Shame? Insecurity?
These are some of the reason you need to think about. When was
the last time you asked yourself: “Why am I REALLY angry?”

Distract, Don’t React - Anger is such a disruptive emotion. It

causes a lot of hurt, pain, trauma, and worse, physical hurt at
times. All common sense just seems to go out the window in the
heat of the moment. Distract instead of reacting is not always easy,
but it does get better with practice. Instead of choosing to act on
your emotions, deflect your attention elsewhere until you’ve
forgotten about what it was that was threatening your temper. You
need to distance yourself from your emotions for as long as it
takes until you are properly distracted enough to forget what it was
you were about to feel angry about.

Think Happy Thoughts, Do Happy Things - Peter Pan may have

got it right when he said: “Think happy thoughts.” People who
struggle with anger issues have a lot of misery and unhappiness
inside them. How can you learn to control your anger if you’re still
harboring all that negativity inside you? There’s nothing better at
getting rid of all those unhappy, miserable feelings than to very
simply think about and do something that makes you happy.
Indulge in a passion or a hobby, throw yourself into an activity
that you love. A happier state of mind makes it easy to think with a
clearer head, you don’t get as worked up so easily anymore, and it
becomes much easier to learn how to control your anger issues.

Emotional Journaling - It may not be for everyone, but when it

comes to controlling your anger issues, it can be very therapeutic.
One of the challenges when it comes to anger is that you’re so
overwhelmed with all sorts of emotion (anger, frustration,
irritation) that it all comes out all at once. A lot of people tend to
strike out or lash out in anger because they don’t have proper
channels or outlets to release that anger unto. This is where a
journal comes in handy. It gives you a safe and private place
where you can express every feeling and emotion you have
without the fear of being ridiculed or judged. Even better, it is
possible the safest outlet for you to release your feelings of anger
with repercussions, without hurting anyone or yourself in the
process.
 Image Source: American Psychological Association

How to Master and Control Depression

Negative experiences affect our brains in a much bigger way. When someone
hurls hurtful words in your direction, it’s not always easy to brush it off and
even harder to forget about it. Even if 10 good things happened to you today,
all it takes is one bad event to make you forget about the other 10 completely.
It’s all you’ll focus on for the rest of the day, and your mood takes a
significant turn for the worst when it does. You could remember those
encounters for days, weeks, years, maybe even throughout your lifetime. It’s
the same reason why those suffering from depression have a hard time
pulling themselves out of that negative emotional cycle. Feeling down or
miserable occasionally is not uncommon. It’s the way we respond and cope
with the events or situations that take place in our lives. Our emotions need
an outlet.

Clinical depression is the one you need to worry about. There is a very big
difference between feeling blue occasionally and being depressed. Feeling
unhappy or sad every now and then are emotions that pass or get better with
time. Depression does not. It is an intense emotion lasts a lot longer. It
impacts your ability to function in your daily routine, and it is important that
you take this seriously. The problem is that it’s not always easy to tell when
someone is going through depression. The changes in their mood and
behavior could happen so gradually that it is barely noticeable, and therefore,
the signs are easy to miss. Even harder if the person going through the
emotion does not want to talk about the way they feel. It is a condition that
comes in several forms, some of which may require treatment or medication
to treat the problem.
Image Source: Health Matters

Depression can be a difficult condition to overcome, but the important thing

to remember here is that it can be done. Yes, it may take a considerably long
time and a lot of effort and help to overcome that hill, but when you do,
things eventually start to feel like they are getting much better. The key to
overcoming depression is to be patient and give yourself time to heal.

Taking Each Day as It Comes - Give yourself a break and

remember that some things take time. There’s no magic cure, no
formula that is going to take your depression away overnight. The
best recovery technique you can start with is to take things one day
at a time. Don’t try to do too much too soon. Take it one day at a
time, and remember, if you don’t succeed today, there is always
tomorrow.

Find Your Reason When You Feel Like Quitting - Depression

is a dangerous emotion because of the suicidal thoughts it can
cause when it leads you down that dark path. As hard as it is, you
need to find a reason to keep on putting one foot in front of the
other. Even more so on the days where you feel like quitting and
giving up entirely. Keep going because all we can do is take one
step forward. Having a goal or something to fight for will help you
with this stage. It can be one reason, two, or several. Depression
can make it seem like life is not worth living, but even in our
darkest hours, there is always something to be grateful for. Always.
It’s only the overwhelming feelings you’re experiencing that make
it difficult to count your blessings. Let that be your reason.

All You Need Is One - Tying in with the point above, all you need
is one reason to be grateful each day to start taking steps toward
conquering your depression once and for all. Use this reason as an
anchor that leads you through the rest of the day. Repeat your
reason throughout the day as a reminder that even in your darkest
moments, there is at least one thing in your life you are still
grateful for. Family, for example. Or the love of a supportive
partner. Anything that gives you a reason to keep going. Focus on
one to start and gradually work your way up as you start to feel
better. Each time you feel your thoughts starting to get the best of
you, return to your reason to be grateful today and concentrate on
that until you feel better.

This Is Not Forever - There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It

might not seem like it, but there is. The unhappiness and misery
will not last forever unless you allow it to. Sad times will come
and go. Each time you feel overwhelmed with depression, remind
yourself that this storm will pass. This darkness is not going to last
forever, not when you keep fighting each day to see the light
again. It’s going to take a lot of courage and willpower on your
part, but if the will to be happy once more and master your
emotions is strong enough, it can be done.

Exhibit Kindness - Especially to yourself. Depression has a way

of making you feel like the lowest person in the world. That you’re
unworthy and unlovable. If you’re going to feel happy again, you
need kindness as a start, especially toward yourself. Accept the
way that you feel because your emotions are part of who you are.
It’s not wrong to feel the way you do, and you shouldn’t beat
yourself up over it. Judging yourself too harshly is a bad habit that
must be broken for the sake of your mental and emotional
wellbeing as well as happiness. Good or bad, emotions are part of
who you are. Own them. Every single one, even the ones that
make you anxious.
 Do Good for Others - Since depression can leave you with a lot
of bad feelings and unhappy emotions, it’s time to balance that
out. One way to counter the negative emotions is to do something
good that lifts your spirits. Empower yourself by doing something
good for someone else without expecting anything in return. If you
can do something good for someone, do it. If it makes their day
better and puts a smile on their face. Knowing that you’ve made a
difference in someone’s life will remind you that you’re not as
“useless” or “hopeless” as depression would have you believe.
Focusing on doing good takes your mind away from the worries
for a moment.

How to Master and Control Anxiety

Anxiety is an emotion that can easily be confused with and mistaken as fear.
An easy way to distinguish between the two emotions would be to remember
this rule of thumb: Anxiety is less intense, but the effects are more prolonged,
and a response related to anxiety-causing triggers. Fear, on the other hand, is
more of an immediate reaction to events or stimuli that are especially
threatening. For many, anxiety is an all too familiar state of mind. Everyone
experiences this to some degree throughout the various stages of our life.
Most of the time, it is uncomfortable but still manageable. Others may deal
with it more frequently, and when they do, anxiety becomes a nuisance, a
hindrance, and sometimes feels like mental torture disrupting their daily
routine when it culminates in a panic attack.

There are two parts to looking at the brain. One is the emotional part, while
the other is the cognitive domain. The frontal lobe is where all our thoughts
and the different sensations we experience come together. This also happens
to be the cognitive part of the brain. The emotional part of the brain is where
the amygdala lies. When we feel anxious, the emotional part of the brain
starts to go into overdrive, overpowering the cognitive part, and that seeps
into our consciousness. Anxiety has a way of creeping up on you, and you
can’t explain why. At times, excessive anxiety can even lead to a full-blown
panic attack. For those who deal with anxiety and frequent panic attacks, their
way of responding to anything the brain perceives as overwhelming can
block their ability to function normally. When anxiety becomes a problem,
our brain functions differently, such as failing to function or setting off
irrational behaviors.

Anxiety is normal. Fear and panic attacks are normal. Feeling like these
emotions are stronger than you are is normal. But that doesn’t mean you’re
doomed to live with this condition forever. You’re not the only one who is
struggling to get a handle on their emotions. Everyone who has ever dealt
with chronic anxiety feels the same way you do. The only difference is some
people have learned to control their anxious feelings better than others.
Ignoring your problems won’t make it go away, and neither will it help to
agonize over them. Masking the issues with medication is only a short term
solution. You need something a lot more powerful and stronger than that.
You’re not alone in your struggles to overcome anxiety. There are millions of
people out there going through the same thing you are. The decision to
reclaim power over your life includes mastering and controlling anxiety using
the following techniques:

Step Away from the Problem - Stepping away from the problem
can sometimes help to put things into perspective and give you the
time you need to calm down. Often, our anxious thoughts and
worries can seem magnified and worse than they should when we
continue to be entangled with what’s triggering it. Give yourself
the time and space you need by taking a step back when things
start to feel out of control.

The Game of 5 - The Game of 5 is more of a distraction

technique, whereby you try to get your mind off whatever it is that
is triggering your anxiety by forcing it to focus on something else
instead. Anxiety can leave you feeling trapped in your negative
thoughts, and what you need to do to get a handle on your
emotions now is to distract your mind and force it to think about
something else. Look around you and say out loud the five things
you can see the five sounds you can hear, and the five areas of
your body you’re trying to be mindfully aware of.

Re-labeling Your Thoughts - It’s easy to get carried away by

your emotions when you feel a surge of anxiety happening. The
racing heartbeat, difficulty breathing, chest tightness, and inability
to think clearly can make it seem like the world is caving in
around you. But if you allow your thoughts to focus on that, it’s
only going to make the situation much worse. Instead of thinking,
“This is horrible, I can’t do this,” re-label those thoughts. Say
“This is a panic attack, I’m anxious, but I’m alright because I’ve
dealt with this before. I need to try and stay calm and figure things
out one step at a time” while practicing deep, controlled,
measured breaths all the while. Remember, panic and anxiety
attacks never last for long; you’ve been through them, so you
know that’s true. It’s now a matter of learning how to ride out the
storm and discover the right coping skills.

Seek Help - Don’t be afraid to ask for help when something seems
too overwhelming; going through a challenge always feels more
manageable when you’ve got someone you can trust to help you
through it. Your emotions matter, no matter what you may feel,
and there’s no need to be ashamed of them. When you need a
shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, seek help. You’ll be a lot
better off than trying to deal with it alone.

Don’t Fight Your Feelings - The more you try to resist

something, the worse it becomes. What you need to do instead is
to accept that you are feeling anxiety and panic. acknowledge that
you do have thoughts which cause you to panic, and then question
them by using the challenge your thoughts technique.

Focus On The Facts - When you start having an anxious thought,

stop, and ask yourself why this is happening? What is the root
cause of that worry, and is it justifiable to worry this much about
it? Take a moment to question if your worry is viable, or if it is an
unfounded worry. Challenge your thoughts by focusing on the
facts first, rather than the immediate overwhelming emotion.

Continuously Learn - Not knowing exactly what you’re dealing

with can make a bad situation seem worse. Learning about your
anxiety is the only way to overcome it. Assessing each trigger
should now become a norm as you educate yourself on why you
feel the way you do. The more information you have to go on, the
easier it will become to see that your fears can be easily overcome
once you know the right coping mechanisms to do it. Maybe your
triggers are not as bad as they initially seemed, now that you’re
armed with knowledge.

Standing Tall - Turns out that the whole “shoulders back and
chest forward” is not just an exercise in confidence alone. Anxiety
causes an indirect hunching of the upper body, a subconscious way
of trying to protect ourselves. By standing straight up, pushing
your shoulders back, thrusting your chest forward, and with your
feet planted firmly apart opens the pathway around your chest
area. This makes regulating your breaths a lot easier, especially the
deep breathing that is needed to relax your anxious mind.

Use Humor to Diffuse the Situation - One of the best natural

 remedies for stress and anxiety that does not cost you a dime.
Real, genuine laughter is one of the best remedies you could feed
your mind and your body because laughter releases dopamine, a
chemical that invokes feelings of pleasure and happiness in our
bodies. When you are laughing, it is impossible to feel any kind of
stress or tension during the process, and it is impossible to feel
anxiety when you’re having a good, honest laugh.

Sound Therapy - There is scientific proof that music and sound

therapy has been a proven and effective method of relaxing our
stressed and frazzled nerves. Indigenous cultures have been
relying on sound therapy and music for centuries as a way of
improving their health, although they probably didn’t know
exactly what is about music that had such a positive effect on their
minds and bodies. Thanks to neuroscientists in the UK, there is
one specific tune that is the most effective at helping you manage
your anxiety. Participants involved in the study were given several
puzzles which they attempted to solve quickly. The puzzles given
to them were designed to induce and trigger stress. While they
were attempting to solve these puzzles, the participants were given
several songs to listen to at the same time. The researchers began
measuring their brain activity and psychological states during this
time, including tracking their heart rate, breathing, and blood
pressure levels during this entire process. It was this song in
particular that produced the best results, with an astounding 65%
reduction in the overall levels of anxiety these participants felt.
The name of the song? Weightless by Marconi Union.

How Sleep Can Change Your Mood

Could sleep problems and sleep deprivation be linked to anxiety and
depression? As it turns out, they just might. A 2017 study even revealed the
possible link between depression and its effect on our immune system, and
that habits which were associated with depression. This included a lack of
sleep and physical activity that could potentially increase your chances of
contracting more illnesses. Moreover, researchers have already done a study
into the subject of suppressing your emotions and the impact that it has on
sleep quality, and what they discovered is what we’ve known deep down all
along. The participants involved in the study who kept their emotions buried
inside experience more anxiety, sadness, anger, and fear in their dreams than
those who didn’t. They also had more difficulty sleeping and struggled with
tiredness during the day. When they did sleep, their sleep was often
interrupted. In their everyday lives, these participants also experienced more
stress, unhappiness, anxiety, and depression than the participants who
expressed their emotions regularly.

Chronic sleep loss and sleep problems are particularly more prominent in
those with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and even ADHD. It could
potentially lead to chronic insomnia, which then leads to even higher chances
of developing these emotional and mental disorders. Harvard Medical
School’s Dr. Lawrence Epstein talks about the relationship between
psychiatric and psychological problems and sleep. People who are already
anxious and depressed tend to have difficulty sleeping because of those
disorders. Trouble getting a good night’s sleep at night could be the first
symptom of depression.

Circadian rhythms are what govern our sleep cycles. They determine what
time we rise in the morning and what time we go to bed at night. When we
listen to our circadian rhythms, our body is in harmony. Think of your body
functioning like an orchestra. When we listen to the circadian rhythm of our
bodies, every note is perfectly and beautifully executed, creating wonderful,
melodious music. But when you start ignoring the biological rhythm, your
body was meant to follow, what you end up with is a cacophony of noises
instead of beautiful music. Why does this happen? Because it is the circadian
rhythm that governs our hormones and body temperature, along with other
physiological changes that tell us when we should be relaxed and when we
should be alert. Getting enough sleep helps with your emotions. Whenever
you’re feeling distressed, it could be aggravated even further if you lack
sleep. During the REM (Rapid Eye Movement) stage of our sleep cycle is
when the stress-related hormones we produced are reduced significantly. It is
during this stage that our brains start to mellow down, and lessen the pain that
we feel from the emotions that caused us distressed in the first place since the
chemicals responsible for these emotions are not being produced while we
sleep.

Sleep is a very personal thing. Not everyone needs the same amount of sleep
to function at their optimum level. But the one thing we all share in common
is that sleep is important. You need to get enough sleep at night, and it’s not
only because your emotions become so much harder to control when you’re
sleep deprived, either. One study published in 2010 took a group of
participants and randomized them into placebo or codeine. The study then
measured the quality of their sleep and discovered that those in the sleepier
group were the ones who turned out to be more sensitive to pain. The quality
of the participants’ sleep was also measured in the study, and what the
researchers found out was that codeine did not work as well with the sleepy
group. Another 2012 study confirmed these findings. This time, the
participants in the second study were randomized based on normal sleep
habits or extended sleep habits. Pain sensitivity in both groups was then
measured and found out that extended sleep was associated with reduced
levels of pain sensitivity.

Of course, with sleep deprivation, your emotional empathy is at risk too. In a

2014 study, another group of participants was randomized into three groups
this time. Group 1 was not allowed to sleep, while Group 2 was allowed to
sleep normally. Both these groups were examined both in the morning and at
night. Group 3 served as a control, and they were examined during the day.
Participants from all three groups were given to measure direct and indirect
empathy. Direct empathy is described as the way you feel about someone
else, for example, when you feel angry about what happened to someone else.
Indirect empathy is the way that it affects you, for example, when you feel
nauseous, or your heart rate rises. Group 1, which is the sleep-deprived
group, had significantly less direct empathy and indirect emotional empathy.
The participants were measured twice in the study just to confirm the
findings. Over the years, several other cohort studies have also confirmed that
sleep deprivation is linked to obesity and diabetes too.

So, if you’re feeling particularly emotional, try to get enough sleep and notice
what a difference it makes in the way that you think and feel when you wake
up the next morning. Especially in terms of your ability to remain calm and
control your emotions.
 Chapter 126: Emotional Intelligence in an Angry
World

It’s a feeling you’re all too familiar with. Your heart starts beating fast. Your
breathing becomes quick and shallow. All sorts of angry thoughts are running
through your mind, and you’re getting angrier by the minute. Anger.

Something that we all feel from time to time. But as a society, we’re
generally not very good at handling our anger. One reason why this happens
is that we tend to think of anger as a negative emotion. The thing is, anger is
actually a neutral emotion. It’s what we do with it that makes it either positive
or negative. Some people have done great things when faced with anger,
righting the wrongs that they see, marched for good causes, and advocated
for better things that they have been angry about. Other people, though, have
done some pretty terrible things in a fit of rage. They’ve become aggressive,
destructive, even violent, all examples of how anger can become negative
when used for the wrong reasons. Anger is one of our core emotions as a
human being, used to describe the way that we feel, and it helps us identify
and connect with what is happening around us. What you do with anger is
entirely up to you. It can be used to propel you in a positive way, or propel
you in the opposite direction too.

On its own, though, anger is neutral, but like most people, you’ve probably
thought of anger in a negative context. Most people are either afraid of this
emotion or try to deny the emotion altogether. It’s easy to see why anger has
developed an unpleasant reputation. In moments of anger, we make poor
decisions. We lose all sense of rationale, and our emotional intelligence
ceases to exist. All we feel is pure rage (in extreme cases), the blood
pounding in our veins, and our muscles become tense and angry. Anger is a
raw emotion that can lead you to do things you ordinarily would not do.
Anger seems to hijack all our common sense and makes it impossible to
make good decisions when we are consumed by this emotion. All we end up
doing is either hurting ourselves, the people around us, and feel full of regret
with how badly the situation was handled.

Understanding Your Anger

Different people would have different emotional triggers that set off this
reaction, and there could be several factors that cause you to feel angry. Some
examples of these triggers include:

You feel powerless.

You don’t feel accomplished.
You experience an unfair treatment against you or someone else.
You’ve been lied to.
You are ignored or mistreated.
You think you’re being neglected.
You experience verbal or physical assault.
You think your colleagues are not pulling their weight.
You secretly resent having to take on more responsibility.
You witness an injustice.
You’re disappointed.
Promises are broken.
Things don’t go your way.

There is also the fact that some people generally have a shorter fuse than
others do. Other possible reasons behind why you find yourself losing your
temper more often than you should include:
Your Personality and Temperament- Competitive personalities
tend to have shorter fuses because those with this personality type
generally insist or demand that things go their way. We’re not
wired the same way. Some act quicker, while others need more
time to process their next move. Some jump to action without
thinking twice, while others need more time to ponder the
consequences. Some people are more outgoing and adventurous;
some are more laid back and introverted.

Your Role Models - Did you have parents or other family

members who were quick to anger? Sometimes the cause of our
short fuses is because the role models we had are what we can
identify with. We don’t know any other way because this is how
we were raised. If one or both of your parents had a tendency to be
quick to anger, chances are you’re likely to have that same
tendency too. If that’s the kind of environment you grew up in,
you’re probably not going to see anything wrong with it until it’s
pointed out to you.

Mood Disorders - An undiagnosed personality disorder could be

the trigger for your short fuse without even realizing it. Bipolar
disorder, depression, anxiety are all potential triggers because it
won’t take much to make you angry. If you do suspect you may
have any of these mood disorders, it is best that you seek
professional help and don’t leave it undiagnosed.

Higher Stress Levels - No surprises here that stress could be a

cause for your short fuse. Being under a lot of pressure could lead
to abrupt outbursts, temper tantrums, and irrational behavior. It is
your body’s way of reacting to the stress that you already feel.
 Inability to Communicate Expressively - When you have a hard
time making yourself understood or expressing yourself, it can
often lead to a lot of feelings of frustration. Poor communication
skills can lead to a lot of misunderstanding, which could lead to
arguments which cause your temper to rise because you feel like
your point is not getting across. Poor communication skills are yet
another potential trigger for why you may have a shorter fuse than
others.

Sleep Deprivation - A lack of sleep could also act as a potential

trigger for a short fuse. Have you ever noticed how things seem
much harder or require more effort when you’re feeling tired and
fatigued from lack of sleep? You feel cranky, irritable, and even
the smallest of things seem like a big deal. Your body is tired, your
nerves are frayed, and a lack of sleep makes you less efficient than
what you normally would be. Therefore, it doesn’t take much to
trigger your temper when you’re sleep-deprived.

There could be so many possible scenarios and situations that could cause a
person to get angry or upset about it. One of the things that you would need
to do towards learning how to manage your anger would be to identify the
triggers that set you off, so you can then learn to recognize them. We can
break down our anger-response to hormonal levels. The amygdala triggers a
response to irritating information or frightening situations. Our “fight or
flight” response to annoyances is related to the hormones the brain releases,
primarily epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine (noradrenaline). These
hormones result in emotional and physical responses to make us alert and
energized. We sometimes call the ensuing sensation an “adrenaline rush.”

Typically, there are four responses that occur when anger is triggered:
 Assertiveness - You’re appropriately managing and working
through your anger. You’re in control and retain your ability to
communicate the way you feel towards the person who might have
triggered these emotions inside you.

Aggression - This happens when your anger is being unleashed.

Passive-Aggressiveness - On the outside, you’re agreeable. On

the inside, you’re seething and angry but doing your best not to let
it show.

Passive - On the surface, you appear calm, and that’s because

you’re storing all your anger and stockpiling it.

Left unchecked, anger could, directly and indirectly, affect your health. It is
causing your health problems without you even realizing it. Some examples
of how anger is indirectly affecting your health, including increasing your
risks of a heart attack because of the constant stress that you feel. It also
increases your blood pressure and cholesterol levels, making you prone to
having health-related problems because of that stress. It could cause obesity.
The way it directly affects your health is by hampering your decision-making
process. You can’t make rational, appropriate decisions when you’re blinded
by anger all the time. It drives you to physical injuries too. For example, you
could punch something in anger, which ends up hurting you. Or worse, you
could punch someone else, which causes physical injury to another person.
Neither of which is good, of course. Anger could drive some towards
alcoholic tendencies, lead to road rage, make it difficult to concentrate, and
more.

Besides, constant, chronic anger is only going to increase your chances of

contracting heart-related diseases like high blood pressure or heart attacks.
Anger is connected to the heart because epinephrine and norepinephrine
constrict your blood vessels, which then makes your heart pump much
harder. These two hormones also happen to be responsible for increasing
glucose and fatty acids in the blood, which only leads to damaged arteries
and speeds up the process of atherosclerosis. Luckily, there are healthy ways
of learning how to control that anger.

Anger Management Techniques

Anger is completely normal, and it’s important to start using the right
language around this emotion. When you’re angry, acknowledge that this is
how you feel right now. To learn how to manage and control your anger,
you’ll need to rely on your prefrontal cortex, which is the area that controls
your judgment. Without the prefrontal cortex, you could act aggressively
toward others. In 1848, Phinneas Gage was at work when a large iron rod
shot through his left cheek and exited through the top of his head.
Miraculously, he survived the accident, but his frontal lobe was severely
damaged as a result. After the accident, Gage was reportedly fitful, irreverent,
and “had the animal passions of a strong man.” Evidently, the damage to his
frontal lobe destroyed his ability to control his behavior. He became a man
who was incapable of self-constraint.

No matter what form your anger may take. However, there is one thing that
they all have in common - they are bad for your health and emotional state of
being. Not only that, but harboring so much anger within you all the time can
lead to risky, violent, and dangerous behavior patterns.

Practicing Forgiveness - Forgiving someone who wronged you is

never an easy process. Getting angry is easy. In just a snap of your
fingers, you can immediately get angry. But forgiveness? That’s
going to take a lot more work. In fact, for those with severe anger
issues that are capable of holding a grudge for years, this is like
asking them to do the impossible. It is much easier to hold onto a
grudge than it is to forgive. That’s why they call forgiveness the
act of being the bigger person. It takes great inner strength to truly
forgive wholeheartedly without expecting anything in return. It is
a skill which you must learn. Very rarely are people born with the
ability to forgive as quickly as they can get angry.

Being Mindful Of Your Tone - To effectively communicate in a

heated argument, you will need to exercise a lot of self-control on
your part. Self-control is going to come into play with the way that
you manage your tone of voice, to make sure that your volume is
not escalating with every sentence that you speak. A challenging
exercise to master in the beginning, but it can be done with
patience and a lot of practice. This will allow you to remain
assertive, yet calm enough not to start yelling and be blinded by
anger.

Choosing to Stay Silent - If you can’t say something nice, then

it’s best to say nothing at all. When you’re in an angry
confrontation, the more you say, the worse things become. Once
something has been said, it can never be undone, and in some
cases, no amount of apologizing will be enough to remedy the
situation. Why not try the opposite approach and choose to just be
quiet instead? Understandably, it is going to take a lot of
willpower on your part, but it is much, much better than digging
yourself into an even deeper hole just to satisfy the urge to say
something. Go off into a quiet corner or space where you can be
by yourself until you have relaxed enough to come back to the
situation again. It will save you a lot of regrettable behavior in the
long run. Whenever you’re angry, put up a good fight with
yourself and choose to remain quiet instead.
Stay Away from Angry People - If you’ve got a short fuse and
you’re trying your best to learn to control your anger, do yourself a
favor and stay away from angry people. The same way you would
stay away from negative or toxic people if you want to achieve
success in your life. If you want to learn how to become a better,
less angry person, you need to stay far away from other angry
people. Even if they are your friends, this is something that must
be done. If you don’t keep a distance from them, they could
significantly set you back in your efforts to control your anger.
We’d like to think we are strong, but negative behavior patterns
have a way of rubbing off on us, despite our best efforts.

Indulge in Laughter - Laughter truly is the best remedy for just

about any situation. Whenever you feel that you need to calm
down and manage your anger, find something, or do something
that makes you laugh. Listen to a funny story, read a joke, watch
something that makes you burst with laughter, and lighten your
mood. Nothing cures anger faster than just having a good, hearty
laugh.

Use Emotional Intelligence for Resilience - Having a better

mindset will involve you working on building up your resilience.
This means that you will have to become a more determined
individual to no longer let challenges and setbacks affect you
mentally and emotionally. To keep persisting even when things are
difficult. Building up your resilience until you are a stronger
person mentally and emotionally will help you control your anger
in a way that you were never able to before.

Active Listening and Empathy - If you’re in an argument with

someone, learn to listen actively to what it is they’re saying.
 Listening actively means being mindful of everything the other
person is saying. You’re making a conscious effort to actively
receive and process the information that is being given to you, and
you’re able to connect with what’s being said, reflect on the
information, and finally be able to provide constructive,
thoughtful, and proactive responses because of it. Listening and
listening actively are two different things. The latter will help you
to empathize more with the person you’re in an argument with and
see where they are coming from. This, in turn, will help to
minimize the possibility of the argument escalating to a point that
you will both regret later on. By listening actively, you will see
that every problem can be resolved amicably, and there is no real
reason to bring anger into the mix at all.

Resist the Urge For The Last Word - The constant need to be
right, to always have the last word just to quench your satisfaction
and ego is exactly how anger makes problems and arguments a lot
worse. Resist the urge to always have the final say. It is not always
about you. If you want to resolve problems without having to
resort to anger, learn to swallow your pride, and resist the urge to
fight back. Resist the urge to always counter what someone else is
saying with another defensive argument of your own. That does
nothing to help the situation.

Does Your Environment Affect Your Emotions?

To a certain extent, yes, it does. Your environment has a big impact on the
way that you feel. The place you spend most of your time is going to weigh
on your mind subconsciously. Like the role models example above. If you
surround yourself in that kind of environment constantly, it’s all you’re going
to know and all that you can identify with. You may not be actively thinking
about your surroundings, but it’s there in the back of your mind.
If you find it hard to remain positive throughout the day, do a quick scan of
your surroundings, and observe what the sources of negativity may be. Your
cluttered workstation? The toxic colleague who is constantly complaining
and talking negatively about other colleagues behind their back? Maybe that
pile of paperwork you’ve been postponing for a while now and haven’t
gotten around to doing yet. Once you’ve identified a potential source, ask
yourself what you can do to rectify the problem. Can the source be removed
entirely? If it can’t what else could you do to spend less time around this
negative source in a week? Cultivate a positive environment for yourself, one
that is going to make it easier to nurture these positive emotions and help you
grow. Change your environment, and you change your emotions.

Why Does Music Influence Emotions?

Music can affect both our physiology as well as our emotions. It is a
ubiquitous phenomenon. We make music, and almost everyone listens to
music daily. Music sets the right mood, bonds you with others, and it even
creates shared experiences. Listening to the music that you and a friend
associate the memory with can bring you right back to that moment as
though you were reliving it all over again. So, why does music have the
power to influence our emotions?

Music has the power to instantly change your mood. Try a little experiment
on your own. Pick two pieces of music, one happy and upbeat, and the other
more ominous and gloomy. Close your eyes and play excerpts from those
two pieces and observe the way you feel as you immerse yourself in the
melody. Did you notice how you automatically started bobbing your head a
little to the upbeat, happy music? Maybe even smiled or did a little jig on
the spot? Whereas the more ominous music probably made you feel a little
sad, and you couldn’t wait to switch back to the upbeat music again because
listening to that felt so much better. Why does music influence the brain in
this way and more importantly, how do we use this to our advantage to feel
happier?

Some research suggests that we spend approximately 40% of our waking

hours listening to music. As humans, we have the ability to create, respond,
and move to the beat of the music. We grow up surrounded by sound and
music. It is in our environment everywhere we go and a part of who we are.
Children clap their hands when they hear music even before they learn how
to talk. We play music to get over a breakup. We dance and have a good
time when we’re singing along to our favorite tunes. Music in the movies
can send chills down your spine, create excitement, even give you
goosebumps when it’s time with the scene perfectly. This has a lot to do
with the connection between music and the brain

When you’re listening to a song you find pleasurable, it activates the reward
area system in your brain the same way drugs and alcohol do. The right
hemisphere of the brain is given preferential treatment when it is activated
as we listen to a song we find particularly emotional. Interestingly enough,
this area of the brain is still activated even if you’re just imagining the tune
in your mind. Music is renowned for its therapeutic properties too, proving
successful in the treatment of clinical depression and seizures. If you want
to deliberately regulate your emotions, it turns out music might be the way
to go.

Music influences our emotions because of the expressive emotional

movement it creates. Every emotion we express has an accompanying
movement or expression. When we’re happy, our tone of voice is higher, we
sound jubilant, and we probably walk with a spring in our step. Someone
who is unhappy, on the other hand, is going to sound less than enthused and
probably drag their feet when they walk. Just by listening or visualizing the
way the footsteps sound, you can gauge the emotion the person might be
feeling. Music affects our emotions because of the expressive movement
they create. Like the way you feel like bobbing your head and dancing
automatically as soon as you hear something upbeat and lively.

Not everyone responds to music in the same way. Classical music that you
might find soothing someone else could find annoying. Either way, music
ultimately has such a profound impact on us because of the reward region of
the brain it triggers. No matter what genre of music you may find
preferential, to reap its full benefits and regulate your emotions, you need to
pick a genre that works for you.
How to Apply Emotional Intelligence in Daily Life
If you were to carefully observe anyone that exhibits the qualities of someone
who is emotionally intelligent, you’ll notice they share the following
similarities:

They are thankful for what they have.

They always do their best to exhibit an optimistic and positive

attitude, regardless of the circumstances they may be under.

They never look at a situation from the glass-half-empty

perspective.

They always manage to see the silver lining where others can’t.

They understand how important it is to take care of yourself, even

when you’re putting your 100% effort into something that you’re
doing.

They know that doing too much too soon could lead to burning out
quickly, and they always take it one step at a time.

They never rush their decisions and take their time (but not too
much time) carefully weighing the pros and cons.

Where others might be hesitant to step out of their comfort zone in

the face of a challenging situation, emotionally intelligent people
see challenges as a learning opportunity, and a chance for personal
development and improvement.
 They make better leaders because they can understand the people
around them. They can often be found in the top management
positions.

They possess the necessary social and empathy skills that are
necessary for good leadership.

They individuals continually work at developing their own

awareness and emotions so that they are able to better understand
the emotions of others around them and interact appropriately.

Emotional intelligence is all about practice. It’s not a skill you’re born with;
it’s a skill that you develop over time. Putting emotional intelligence into
practice each day is something anyone can start doing right away, and it’s
even easier when you know what you’re doing:

Understand the Breadth and Depth of Your Emotions - A

useful thing to do would be to print out a Wheel of Emotions. This
concept was introduced by Professor Robert Plutchick sometime
around the 1980s; a system used to classify emotions. Plutchik’s
model showed how the various emotions we experienced could
sometimes be combined together. According to Plutchik, these
emotions could be combined, and when they were, they could
create a whole host of new other emotions to be experienced.
Happiness, for example, could be combined with anticipation, and
the resulting emotion could be excitement. The wheel serves as a
point of reference that indicates what deeper emotion could be
underlying the emotion on the surface.
Image Source: Defend Innocence

Regular Reflection - Not just on your current circumstance, but

also your progress. It’s easy to get consumed by everything that is
going on around you, which makes it easy to stop and remember
the little accomplishments and small victories you made along the
way. Challenges can take a lot out of you, and when you forget, it
becomes easier to give up. Make time for frequent reflection to
continuously improve your motivation. Don’t hesitate to
congratulate yourself on a job well done.
Learning to Manage Your Emotions - In the previous chapter,
we talked about how meditation is one of the best techniques for
managing your emotions. However, in the 1950s, there was a
study done by a group of researchers called the Marshmallow
Stanford Experiment. The researchers observed what happened
when several children had to sit down at a table with a
marshmallow in front of them. The researchers told the children
that if they did not eat that single marshmallow by the time the
researcher came back in 10-15 minutes, they could have a second
piece of marshmallow. The children who waited patiently went on
to ivy league schools and had better incomes, and generally had
higher levels of emotional intelligence overall. The key to success
was patience and resiliency, and the latter is something that can be
developed daily through discipline. How do you train yourself to
become more disciplined? By enforcing a daily habit of avoiding
the things that bring you instant gratification.

Live with Purpose - Find a reason to get out of bed each day with
a purpose. Even if the goal or the task at hand may be something
small, training yourself to wake up each day with a purpose and
the intention to get things done is what helps train you to get into
the habit of paying attention to your emotions.

Understanding Incongruency - It seems odd that pointing out

incongruency could lead to higher emotional intelligence, but this
is how it works. The way to practice this daily is to carefully
observe whether what their saying verbally matches their body
language. For example, when someone is talking to you and telling
you a story, watch their body language and facial expression. If
they’re telling you they’re fine, but you notice a slight crease
between their brows, the downward curve of their mouth, the
hunched shoulders, and any other indicators that might signal
they’re not okay, that’s spotting incongruency. The ability to do
this shows that you can read other people well (empathy and social
skills).

Create Outlets to Channel Your Stress - Negative emotions

have to go somewhere. They need to be released, and this is
probably the one-time multitasking can turn out to be a good thing.
Find an outlet to channel your stress while doing something that
makes you feel good, something you enjoy. Go for a walk, join a
workout class you enjoy, go for a hike or a bike ride, find another
outlet to relieve your stress instead of just letting your emotions
boil and bubble underneath the surface, pretending they don’t
exist. If you’re prone to being emotionally overwhelmed because
you’re stressed, adopt relaxation techniques that make you feel
good. Watch a comedy, indulge in your favorite TV shows,
meditate or get together with a good friend so you can have a
laugh.

Increasing Your Empathy - The ability to put yourself in

someone else’s shoes and to do it without judgment is not as easy
as it sounds. But empathy is a proven way of increasing emotional
intelligence because when you’re not focused on what’s going on
in your head so much and putting yourself into other people’s
perspective, you’re not thinking about yourself as much. You’re
thinking less about your worries, and when you’re focused on
someone else, you’re happier. The next time you interact with
someone, try to understand and see things from their perspective.
Actively listen to what they are saying and forget about your
troubles for the next couple of minutes. Listen with an open mind
and without judgment. Instantly, the connection between you is
going to become so much better. Not everyone, especially in
today’s technology-driven world, has the ability to do this.
Authentic empathy is like a magnet that will draw people toward
you for one simple reason: You’re showing that you genuinely
care.
Give Up Focusing on the Negative - If you continue to allow
yourself to remain in that negative frame of mind, you’re never
going to get very far. Not successfully, at least. Being negative
could be something that you’re so used to, you don’t even realize
that is your default reaction anymore. Some indicators that you are
more negative than you might think include difficulty accepting
compliments, making excuses, when you react instead of
responding appropriately, and when you constantly find yourself
making negative inferences. Negativity is going to act like an
anchor that drags you down, and the more you dwell on it, the
further into despair you find yourself sinking. It will be impossible
to accomplish emotional intelligence in this way.

Give Up the Blame Game - This toxic behavior shows poor

character. It may be easier for you to always blame someone else
rather than accept responsibility for your part in the process, but
that does not make it right. It takes real courage to own up to your
mistakes, to take responsibility, and be accountable for your
actions. This is why emotionally intelligent people fare so much
better than those who lack that trait.
 Conclusion
Thank you for making it through to the end of Master Your Emotions, let’s
hope it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you need
to achieve your goals whatever they may be.

Don’t be afraid of your emotions. In fact, embrace them when you notice
their presence, even the negative ones you would rather ignore. In Robert
Greene’s book, The Laws of Human Nature, there’s an analogy about a rider
and a horse. The horse is the emotion, and the rider represents our ability to
think. Being a very powerful animal, the horse needs a strong rider to provide
it with the guidance it needs. The rider needs to be the one who navigates the
horse in the right direction. Both rider and horse need each other and need to
work together.

Without the rider, there is no direction and no purpose, whereas, without the
horse, there is no energy or power. The horse is a very powerful animal, and
without a strong rider, it is going to move impulsively, sometimes without
thinking, and that’s the moment it starts getting into trouble. It’s the same
with our emotions. Without emotions, there would be no energy and without
mastery, there would be no direction.

Hopefully, you’ve learned what you need to start becoming more of a rider in
your life. This book has helped you understand where your emotions come
from and why you feel the way that you do. Remember, it’s not the
circumstances that are keeping you stuck in life. It’s the emotions. Good
luck!