If you can't be patient and allow me to do what is right, not simply for me, but us, then I will

not stop
you. You believe that my silence and me being uncommunicative is shutting you out and it is putting
space between us and that I am tearing us down.....well, it isn't. It isn't doing anymore than what has
already been established between us regarding seperation. I am doing it because I know you and I know
us. I know myself in that this....what we are doing right now.....is not right.....we weren't designed to be
apart, but we are, and it hurts even more having you on here and talking with me and being so close,
but so far away... And it is hurting me more and more...it is creating a very unhealthy longing for you.

....further..... After all the stuff you have "felt" and spoken of regarding us and the state we are
in....clearly this is the same for you as well....I mean, look at how quickly your "feelings" changed just by
seeing me over the phone.....you have been mad at me and upset, and one look and all of sudden, you
aren't, aaaaaaand.....you want me to take my shirt off.........come on....really....you don't think that shit
hurts......I am over here struggling with being in the absence of those I have believed I love and going
through all this mental anguish only to have you speak to me the way you are, and on top of that, when
you see me ....suggest I take my shirt off.....you're hurting.....and I am sorry for that.....I am hurting
too.....but unlike you, I am not going to just voice it as easy because it isn't easy for me to talk about.
Especially the hard stuff with you....or anyone really....hell....I am surrounded by people who don't care,
so why try....all they are are examples of what not to be....but regardless....your hurting and I know....I
am too....but this....this....isnt making it any better....its making it worse.....whether you like to believe it
or not...you do have expectations of me....look at how you are responding......how extreme....why,
because I am not talking to you....because I'm hurting? And what? How can you fix my pain? Talking to
me? What? Hugging me? As much as I would love that....you can't....and see? That only makes it
worse......your heartbroken, and calling me a heartbreaker .....really..... Janine... I am in prison....
seriously.... I am in prison because of poor decisions I made with you in mind.... You don't deserve to be
treated like this? That's a lie....because you accepted all these things that have led us to where I
am....where we are.......for what? A weekend with me?.....a week there......a couple of months
elsewhere.....? And you said it was worth it....

So how much more of me can I give? How much? In the short amount of time we have spent together,
aside from the direct time, I have laid out for you a plan of what I have set out to accomplish as far as
your dreams, giving you even a time table and how much it lines up with everything I am going to face
when I get out......I have shared my past concerns, and you have consoled me, I have shown you what
life with me presently would look like, and you love me, and I have planned a future as far as I can
possibly be allowed to see with you.....froooooooommmm prison!!!!!!!!

You said lets just start over....I agree....lets.....but starting over isn't possible right now....I am as good as
dead right now with where I am.....I can't be who I want to be, or at least build it....so if you won't wait,
then I won't worry, but I will not accept this from you.....you have seen how we are together, and in this
time of seperation, if you decide on something else, then so be it.....just tell me is all I will ask of you....

Me not talking to you from prison should not be hurting you like this, and for you to expect me to is
worse...wrong even. I love you and you know it....I have shown you as best as I can, and it still isn't
enough, and after all the things we have been through, for you to act like you are now, over me not
talking to you is very extreme.....

You want to talk about worth? How much you value yourself? Let's do that then... why have
contraception? It makes you nothing more than a cum bucket. A fruitless tree.....how's that for worth?
Pleasure with no purpose? All the work I put in with you, for us, for what? Lmao.....what, you want a test
ride to see if you like the car first? You want value, but you won't accept it......you can't even see why I
do most of the things I do. You see it..but can't see its value.... You don't see how much hurt and pain all
of this has caused...because I believe in us. Yeah, it has made me want to end it because of the things I
have sacrificed....things I have to leave behind, because in my mind, there are things that aren't meant
to be left behind....but you have to realize for people like you and I, we use other people to help show us
our value....as a gauge, until the differences start showing up, and they may be small at first, but they
eventually grow if not maintained, and with your capacity to enable... and mine....that isn't healthy if we
can't maintain what is kept and valued in the things we value in ourselves .....and in this keeping of
values, we ultimately seek to keep the person... You seriously need to consider what it is that you are
keeping with me....what you have left behind of "values" with Milton.....because I am sure he never
made you feel insecure about your body....that is you. It is value that you struggle with, and that is why
we are apart...you can't accept how much value you have with those that have given it to you.....so, as a
result....you are receiving exactly what you deserve...as am I, being placed in and around people who
either flat out have not lived or are not living by their proper value. Until you dont just see how much
value you have....but live by it.....then you shall remain as you are....as do I......so yes...I have and will be
silent, because I do not wish to share values that do not line up with who I wish to be or can't properly
convey....and one of those main values is being present....completely present......not partially.... Because
as I have said before....one of he greatest things you can offer someone is your presence....to be
there...and this I know you can attest to because of how often you have reminded me of my
absence.....to show those people present a strong heart and mind in action.... Which you remind me of
how I am not showing you right now because I am breaking your heart and allowing my mind to run all
over the place because I am in no position to fulfill this value at the capacity that I accept. You dont even
take time to consider other people like Roger who has suffered far greater than you... I can't even tell
you the last time I have talked to him, and he is on my parole address sheet! Think he is a bit hurt? I
know he is, but his life moves on in my absence...as does yours. And if you believe that in moving on, it
means finding someone else to provide that comfort, then again, I will not stop you. I just ask that you
tell me, so I can have some closure. I believe in you, and I believe you have been faithful, but I
understand how difficult things are. I don't question you, period, but I will never question opportunity.
And I have no doubts about how plentious opportunity is. Either way. Values are values, and you will live
by them, love by them, and die by them. So whatever values you have live by them...hence why I have
said do as you do.

Funny thing with words is they are always a two edged sword so know it swings both ways....

I am going to go to bed now...take care.....I have been reluctant to say it because one day the hope is
you will see both.....presently....