DOING BUSINESS BACTERIA CANISTERS

Once a dead body has safely risen again as Colony,

it will scrape together a humble camp—perhaps a
crate to sit on, a lantern to see by, and an oil drum SYMPTOM (D66)
to contain a bonfire. Once situated, the host will
flag down FIST with broad, cadaverous gestures 11. Acidic 41. Indestructible
and carnivalistic flair, offering wares sold at “the 12. Adhesive 42. Itching
13. Burning 43. Painful A parasitic intelligence puppeteers the dead.
lowest legal prices this side of the Perseus Arm!”
14. Color-changing 44. Petrifying The hivemind is awake, and it wants to make a
15. Corrupted 45. Purified deal with FIST.
Although Colony has fully absorbed the capitalist
spirit, theory still escapes it, and the pathogen is 16. Disintegrating 46. Magnetic
uninterested in paper money. Because Colony “does
21. Dripping 51. Melting
not know how to exchange money for gold” and
22. Electric 52. Missing
“does not like the taste of gold anyway,” it prefers
23. Ethereal 53. Radioactive
to directly accept rare chemical substances in
24. Expanding 54. Regenerating
exchange for its products. This exchange is quite
25. Fortified 55. Stretchy
logical—once converted to a Colony host, the post-
26. Fragile 56. Sensitive
necrotic body requires a radically different selection
of nutrient substances, namely noble gases and
31. Frictionless 61. Silent
rare Earth metals. If the players give an instance of
32. Freezing 62. Spasmodic
Colony these materials, the freshly-fed body can
33. Glowing 63. Toxic
extrude and secrete a “bacteria canister,” a fleshy, 34. Loud 64. Uncontrollable
translucent pod which dances with mesmerizing 35. Heavy 65. Wailing
light. These pods are a waste product to Colony, 36. Humming 66. Writhing
but it knows to market trash as treasure—each
canister contains mutant DNA fragments discarded
from the whole, and can be crushed in one’s palm AREA (D66)
(near the radial artery or an equivalent structure)
to trigger an infection with symptoms that may 11. Antlers 41. Muscles
be tactically useful. Thrown as grenades, they can 12. Arms 42. Nails
infect enemies through exposed orifices. 13. Aura 43. Nerves
14. Brain 44. Nose
15. Breath 45. Palms
16. Blood 46. Saliva
ADJUDICATING BACTERIAL ABILITIES
The physiological effects of each bacteria 21. Ears 51. Skin
canister are both oddly and vaguely defined 22. Eyes 52. Skull
by Colony. Roll 1D6 to determine how many 23. Heart 53. Slime
unique DNA strains are on offer, then roll 24. Feet 54. Stomach
them up on the tables to the right. Each pod 25. Fingertips 55. Swarm
should do what the table agrees it sounds 26. Knuckles 56. Sweat
like it should do—feel free to interpret very
loosely. “Frictionless voice” could grant +1 31. Legs 61. Tears
CREATIVE when attempting to smooth-talk; 32. Lungs 62. Teeth
“sensitive stomach” might just induce IBS. 33. Intestines 63. Tendrils
Effects should harm or heal HP no more than 34. Joints 64. Throat CREDITS
Created by B. Everett Dutton. Edited by T. H. Cochlin &
1D6, and should only change other stats by 1. 35. Hair 65. Tongue Back-Alley Coalition. Based upon the magic system from
Ben Milton’s Maze Rats. Fonts used: Michroma, Space
36. Marrow 66. Voice Grotesk, and Yellow Submarine. Public domain images
from Flickr.

INCOMING TRANSMISSION
[GURGLING, BONES SHIFTING] Felicitations,
sentient Earthlings—allow me to introduce
myself. My people come from far beyond
your icy “Oort Cloud.” We are sociological
empaths; each of the delegation-cultures
which has fanned out from Orion to touch
other worlds are diplomats of the mind
and wanderers stochastic. I am one such
delegation-culture, and my million-million
bodies are not unlike your Earth bacteria
(though my degree of intelligence is, of
course, far higher). My name, transliterated
so that you may pronounce it, is Colony.
For decades now I have lain dormant in the
bodies of your people; I have spread and
multiplied to become a global pathogen
which knows no national borders, no divisions
of culture or class. My integration, which
has been deep and thorough to the level
atomic, has reflected a relationship of
exchange—with each body that I convert
to my purposes, I begin to understand the
human mind, the human heart, that much
more, for you see this is my people’s way—
we come bearing no particular message; we
merely listen until we have learned to speak
your language. Now, after ten Solar years of
total immersion, I am pleased to announce
my newfound purpose, and it is this: to sell
you one-of-a-kind extraterrestrial defense
solutions at low, low prices! [AUDIO ENDS]
COLONY CATALOG THE CALL FROM COLONY
Twelve hours ago, FIST intercepted a transmission
EXCHANGE RATES from a previously unknown alien lifeform, broadcast
“I am... eager to take that off your hands.” simultaneously in multiple languages and clearly
Colony does not use any form of currency for intended for listeners across the globe, but
transactions; arms of Colony will accept any suppressed by CYCLOPS shortly after the initial
items FIST has collected which contain either radio burst. The authoritarian organization’s agents
noble gases or rare Earth metals. The referee scrambled to memory-wipe or assassinate most
is encouraged (but not required) to research individuals, government or civilian, who received
the gas/metal content of items presented to this transmission. Decoded CYCLOPS internal
Colony during play—you can roleplay this as communications suggest they intend to exploit
the alien “appraising” the offer. Some common Colony’s miraculous biological makeup for the
items which Colony may accept include: production of next-generation bioweapons.
ƬƬ Anesthetic ƬƬ MRI magnets
ƬƬ Balloons ƬƬ Neon signs Colony landed on Earth ten years ago, encased in a
ƬƬ Circuit boards ƬƬ Nuclear control rods geode meteorite which touched down somewhere
ƬƬ Fire extinguishers ƬƬ Spaceship parts in Afghanistan. Since then, the explosion of travel
ƬƬ Glow paint ƬƬ Spray cans and civil unrest caused by East-West proxy wars in
ƬƬ Hard drives ƬƬ Street lamps the region have turned the sentient alien pathogen
ƬƬ Lab equipment ƬƬ Tooth fillings into a covert global pandemic. Colony carriers do
ƬƬ Laser weapons ƬƬ Welding equipment not show symptoms until after death; Colony itself
ƬƬ Industrial fridges ƬƬ Vacuum tubes has little impact on a living body save for strain on
the immune system and a latent sense of anxiety.
Shortly after death, however, Colony microbes
STANDARD INVENTORY (Worth two items each)
become active in the host’s body, and the greater
hivemind may signal the corpse to rise. Scattered
BACTERIA CANISTER (consumable)
reports of “the walking dead” in past years have
“Ah, the house special...”
not given way to some grand apocalypse; instead,
Grotesque biomechanical pods which vary in
eyewitness descriptions of “hunched, shambling,
usefulness (D6 strains are available). Lasts 5-10
pustule-covered zombies” were in fact a handful
minutes. Applied to self or throwable as grenade.
of newly-vacated bodies becoming arms of Colony.
BIO-SUMMONER (consumable)
“The customer is king.”
An alien syringe. Turns any corpse into Colony. SPAWNING COLONY
When the players enter a new location, the
referee should secretly roll a six-sided die. If
DELUXE INVENTORY (Worth five items each) the result is an odd number, Colony is in this
region, and the referee should note the area
ULTRA BACTERIA CANISTER (consumable) as “infected.” The first human to die in an
“My biomass to your biomass...” infected area will explode in a cacophony of
Any standard canister on offer can also be sold wet convulsions as their biological makeup
in this form following a short ritual. Permanent. rearranges. Once the corpse may safely rise,
Colony will make camp and gaily beckon FIST.
BIO-ROUNDS (D6 uses, consumable) If Colony would spawn from a corpse in a new
“Look at you—such a discerning customer!” area but it has already appeared somewhere
Use to infect ammo before attacking. Hit targets else, it moves its camp to the new location.
take a random Bacteria Canister table effect.