Needs of a child

1. Attachment and safety 2. Freedom to express needs

3. Develop competence and independence 4. Play 5. Realistic boundaries

Modes : three types - Child, parent, coping

 Child modes
A. Vulnerable Child Mode is associated with depressed or anxious feelings such as shame, loneliness,
anxiety, sadness, or threat.

1. Abandonment & instability 2. Social isolation

2. Trust 4. Emotional deprivation 5. Defectiveness & Shame

B. Angry or impulsive Child Mode In this Mode one usually feels rage, anger, impulsivity, or defiance.
Impulsive behaviors appear when someone acts out of the moment without considering the possible
negative consequences of his or her actions

1. Angry child – sharp words - 2. Rage – intense and out of control

3. Defiance – when autonomy is not respected 4. Impulsivity 5. Spoilt behavior & lack of discipline

C Happy Child Mode. a healthy Mode: one feels curious and playful, and takes easygoing pleasure in
games and activities
1. Curiousity 2. playfulness

Feelings associated with each mode

Vulnerable Child Angry or Impulsive Happy Child Mode

Mode Child Mode

Anxiety Irritated Playfulness

•• Sadness •• Rage •• Easiness
•• Loneliness •• Anger •• Curiosity
•• Despair •• Impulsivity •• Fun
•• Helplessness •• Defiance •• Lightheartedness
•• Shame •• Stubbornness •• Safety
•• Abandonment •• Lack of discipline •• Confident
•• Dependence •• Spoilt
•• Abused
•• Humiliated
 Parent Modes

1. Demanding parent
2. Guilt inducing
 Parentification
 Vicarious learning
3. Punitive parent mode

Coping modes

Surrender

Avoidant

Typical Avoidant Behavior

Patterns
1. •• Avoidance in a narrow sense. Staying away from difficult situations, avoiding particular tasks.
2. •• Distraction. Computer games, excessive Internet use, watching movies, loud music, non-stop
working, excessive participation in sports.
3. •• Stimulation. Overeating, watching porn, gambling, risky sports.
4. •• Weakening perception. Unpleasant feelings are avoided by drinking alcohol or using drugs.
5. •• Moaning and grumbling. Monotonous, stereotyped
6. moaning, grumbling, complaining; blaming others for everything. Frequently these people do not really
seem to suffer or to be really angry. It’s more that their usual habit is to grumble and complain.
7. •• Low expectations. It’s another form of avoidance not to set yourself any goals – then you don’t feel
disappointed by encountering problems reaching them…

Over compensate

 Narcissistic arrogance. These people present themselves as brilliant and superior

 Paranoid control. very suspicious of others. They believe that they are being taken advantage
of, so they seek to protect themselves against attacks.
 Obsessive control. Sometimes people who actually feel insecure insist on telling others what to do.
They take strong control of a situation to arrange things “in the right way.”
 Attention-seeking. Attention-seeking behavior was formerly called “hysterical.” These people force
everyone to treat them as the center of attention.
Box 5.1: Features of the Healthy
Adult Mode
•• “Healthy ego functioning”
•• Realistic judgment of situations, conflicts, relationships,
yourself, and other people
•• Little problems do not trigger overwhelming negative
emotions
•• You sense both your own feelings and needs and those
of other people
•• You can balance your needs with the needs of others
•• You can make commitments, take responsibilities, and
comply to your duties
•• You find constructive solutions for problems
•• You enjoy adult pleasures and interests (sports, culture,
sex, etc.)